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A fight between Double Black is nothing new.
In fact, they’ve been bickering so much ever since they met at 15, that Yokohama is already used to the occasional series of earthquakes, the screaming matches that usually results in a body (the taller one) getting flung onto a brick wall, the traffic lights flickering between red and green for over half an hour because that cute redhead with the pink motorcycle was among them (said redhead also usually talked, if screaming counted, at the lights so they could guess whoever hacked into the system was only using it as a means to communicate with the guy), the flying body (either tossed or actually flying) travelling at mach speed over the Yokohama Bay, more screaming matches, and a lot of street fights that always ends with their tongues down each other’s throats.
Even the Police got tired of the complaints they received about the dysfunctional duo. It got to the point that there was an actual squad unit made specifically to handle those two. And if said squad unit became the standard punishment for police officers who were doing below average, and if their performance increased in efficiency after that was implemented, then that was the law enforcers’ secret.
Anyways, back to the point. Soukoku is a relationship that thrives on dysfunction. It is the prime example of contradicament. Because for all their public theatrics and traumatized audiences, for all their death threats and knives, for all their shouting matches and blows, they possessed a bond even lovers longed to achieve.
A bond strong enough to push past insecurities and trust someone enough with your back, with your life. A bond so dangerous to meddle with that it borders on insanity, so stubborn that any attempts to break it proved useless, so unconditional that it doesn’t break after all the lies and betrayal.
It was a bond built in alleyways and safehouses.
It was a bond built on danger and trust.
On the brink of collapse.
“ I’m not a charity case, Chuuya. I’m not a weak little kid, I don’t need you here. ”
The moment Dazai had said it, he knew he made a mistake.
He knew it before he even saw the way Chuuya’s posture stiffened, before a flash of fear escaped his cerulean blue eyes as it turned dull, and before he closed his mouth and swallowed.
Dazai knew he made a mistake before it all, but it didn’t prepare him for the sickening void that ambushed his chest and burned his battered heart off its place, letting it pummel to the floor.
“Chuuya-” He whispered and mentally strangled himself when he saw the other flinch away, backing up a step as he let his walls rise just as Dazai’s own crumbled to pieces.
“Okay,” Chuuya nodded his head stiffly, staring up at Dazai’s eyes with exhaustion. A beat passed between them before Chuuya nodded his head again, and the hesitant smile he gave Dazai was torture. Dazai stopped himself from wincing at the chains that locked on his throat.
“I’ll be at Ane-san’s then,” I’ll be there if you need me
And just like that, Chuuya left their apartment, leaving him to stand alone in their living room.
He waited for the door to close, for the footsteps to fade, and for the elevator doors to close,
And then he screamed.
“ Let me help you. Please. Dazai, just look at me ”
“Dazai-san, I thought I’d find you here,” came a voice from his left.
Atsushi.
Turning around from his chair, Dazai plastered on his smile as he beckoned his kouhai over. “Atsushi-kun, wonderful timing! Come, come, I’ll treat you to some ice cream.”
Shaking his head, he quietly denied his mentor’s offer which made the other raise a curious brow, assessing him subtly for a reason for his denial. Feeling Dazai’s questioning stare, Atsushi quickly stuttered out an excuse as he took the seat next to him, “No need, Dazai-san. Kyouka-chan and I grabbed some crepes before I headed here.” It wasn’t a total lie, Atsushi defended. They did buy some crepes, but that’s not all they did nor why he was here in the first place.
Atsushi was aware his mentor didn’t believe him for a second, Dazai was a bloodhound for deceit but he uttered nothing, humming over his cup of coffee. “Well then, was there a reason you were looking for me?”
“Y-yes!” He blurted out quickly, way too quickly that it got him an odd look from the older.
Dazai only hummed again before taking a sip of his coffee, “Will you tell me what?”
He knows, Atsushi thought. He already knows why I’m here.
Swallowing down his nerves, he fidgeted in his seat before turning his body to face his mentor. “Dazai-san, did something happen between you and Nakahara-san?” He asked.
It was a simple question born from worry, for both him and Chuuya. When they went to Kyouka’s favorite shop, it was only pure coincidence that there were already two mafia executives there, namely Kouyou and Chuuya. Now, Atsushi wasn’t the best with emotions or with reading the executive, but even he can sense the utter defeat emanating from the gravity user. It was so unlike the other times Atsushi had the privilege of seeing the mafioso.
It worried him how sad Chuuya looked, staring down at his own snack, an effort to cheer him up probably, if he had to guess.
Apparently, Kyouka also sensed that there was something wrong with the redhead since she didn’t even wait for Atsushi to keep up when she basically marched, in her own assassin way, inside the shop and towards the table where the mafiosos were.
Reaching the table, the first words Kyouka uttered were a quick “Chuuya-san?”
Something about Kyouka’s tone scared Atsushi a little bit. Kyouka preferred to talk in short phrases, and the quiet tone she uses usually makes it difficult to assess what she was feeling. But even if her facial expression looked blank, there was a tinge of danger in her eyes that reminded him of the mafia. It also didn’t help at all when the older woman narrowed her eyes, covering the lower half of her face with her kimono.
Anger. Atsushi was familiar with the expression of anger.
Chuuya had only raised his head at them, flashing Kyouka an obviously forced smile before asking in an equally forced cheerful tone, “Kyouka-chan, how have you been?”
“Atsushi?” Shaking his head, he glanced at Dazai who looked at him patiently. Ah, right. He was asking a question.
“I’m sorry, Dazai-san. What did you say?”
“I said, ‘Why did you think so?’” Ah, so there is something going on. Atsushi may not know Dazai for long but he knows what some of his habits are. Like how he fires a question back when he doesn’t want to answer.
Dazai was looking at him with that gentle, almost fond expression. And Atsushi was almost tempted to just drop the subject and go back to the Agency, but then he remembered the murderous look Kyouka had when they walked back outside the shop, crepes forgotten.
“Chuuya-san was-” He tried, gesturing helplessly with his hands. “He didn’t look great when we saw him, a-and I was just wondering if something happened.”
“Why did you think it had something to do with me?”
He swallowed, sneaking a glance at Dazai. The male was still holding that gentle look but Atsushi noticed that it was a bit more of a mask now, there was a stiffness in Dazai’s shoulders and his cup of coffee was frozen just a few centimeters off the table. He swallowed again before answering, “Kyouka-chan wondered where you were… I just thought it had something to do with you because Kyouka-chan wouldn’t ask without reason.”
Dazai only nodded. And that was that.
It took 3 whole minutes of awkward silence before “Love is a troublesome thing.”
Huh? “Sorry?” Confused, Atsushi watched as his mentor draped himself over the table, burying his face on the table mat.
“It sucks,” He continued on as if he didn’t hear the young boy. “It’s nothing but a liability, a pesky emotion humans cursed themselves to have. I don’t get it at all, people preach about love being this wondrous thing, this once-in-a-lifetime fairytale fantasy- but all of that is a lie.”
Oh. This is why they fought. Atsushi could only lean back on his chair as Dazai rattled off his thoughts against the table mat.
“Why do humans even want to experience love? Why do they want to condemn themselves to a life spent on suffering? Wouldn’t it be better to not love at all than to suffer through heartbreak and fear? It’ll definitely hurt less to lose something you don’t care about than to willingly sign your heart to the potential of eternal dread.”
Then, Dazai raised his head and scoffed at the window. “Temporal happiness is not worth the lifetime of pain, Atsushi-kun.”
“What makes you say that?”
“It’s simple. Anything I would never want to lose is always lost.”
“Make no mistake, try as you might, you will never deserve that boy”
It’s been 7 days, 13 hours and 29 minutes since Chuuya last kissed him ‘Good morning’
1 days, 16 hours and 5 minutes since Atsushi told him to talk to Chuuya
And 2 seconds since he last missed the chibi
It’s lonely inside the apartment. He never really paid attention to space in those 4 years he spent hiding, or even when he worked in the Agency. And he never really felt it when he and Chuuya moved in together all those months ago. Or, when he moved in with Chuuya, because technically, the apartment was still Chuuya’s.
It was Dazai who selfishly carved a place for himself. It was he who constantly left his clothes in Chuuya’s home until his whole wardrobe had migrated to the left side of their walk-in closet. It was him.
He never cared for the loneliness, but now he did, and he couldn't ignore it, and it was suffocating.
Sighing, Dazai mumbled, “I’m home, chibi,” as he stepped out of his shoes and walked in the embrace of the cold empty apartment.
Only, it wasn’t empty.
Lost in thought, he hadn’t noticed that there was an extra pair of shoes by the door. Hadn’t noticed the door was unlocked when he walked through it. Hadn’t noticed the sound of Chuuya’s favorite romcom movie greeting him back.
Chuuya.
Rushing out his coat, he almost tripped over the trash bin as he advanced to the living room.
There, sitting at the right side of their couch, was Chuuya.
Chuuya, who was staring right back at him.
Chuuya, who was giving him a hesitant smile.
Chuuya, who was saying something, but he couldn’t understand what.
What was he saying? Does it matter? Chuuya? Chuuya, I missed you. When did you come back? Stupid dog, making me worry so much. Can you come here please. Chuuya, come here. Chuuya. Chuuya? Chuuya!
Chuuya paused midway his half-assed explanation for his sudden reappearance when he realized Dazai was still standing on the same spot he had been for over 5 minutes.
Sighing, Chuuya stood up, relaxing slightly when he noticed Dazai’s eyes followed him.
“Shitty bastard, you’re not going to make it easy for us, are you?”
Dazai only blinked at him, causing Chuuya to shake his head. Reaching up with a gloved hand, the redhead gently caressed Dazai’s right cheek. Smiling slightly when the male tilted his head automatically, pushing into the warm hand.
“Chuuya-” And Chuuya punched him.
Staggering back a few steps, Dazai held his left cheek, staring scandalously at the shorter. “What kind of sheep dog would greet his master with violence!?” He exclaimed.
“Me, goddamnit. Now, you have some apologizing to do,” Chuuya growled, all softness from moments ago were gone as he crossed his arms.
Whining further, Dazai rubbed at his assaulted cheek, pouting down at his love. “Chibi, aren’t I the one who got punched? Is your brain so small now that you don’t know the difference between the bully and the bullied?”
Chuuya bristled at that, “Excuse you!?”
The mafioso raised his hand again, ready to deliver another blow to the bastard’s face, but before his fist could make contact with the other cheek, Dazai had already moved. He grabbed at the wrist and pulled Chuuya close to him, enveloping the shorter in a hug.
“Chibi wasn’t able to resist me after all, I feel so loved.” I’m sorry, please. Don’t leave me again.
“You’re one to talk. You’ve been loitering near the brothel for days. Ane-san was ready to bash your head into the curb if you came back one more day.” I’m here now. Don’t be scared.
A comfortable silence rained down on them, and if Dazai hugged Chuuya a little tighter, that was only for them to know.
“Chuuya really is a loyal dog,” He poked. I need you.
Chuuya responded with a slap to the head. Idiot.