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Chapter Text

Remus John Lupin was a smart guy. No, really, he knew he was quite bright and his need to prove his value through perfect grades only helped to confirm that idea to the rest of his classmates. But if he had to point to the one very thing he excelled at, the one true talent of his, it would be his ability to get away with everything. And one would think that with that it would come a big troublemaker, or a prank master (which he definitely was), but the sad truth was that he used his power to be the teacher’s pet. The secret teacher’s pet, that is. 

So when his most prolific project, his most successful victim to the date, had to take a maternity leave because she got pregnant, he felt the world crumble around him. Sadly, Mrs. Bennet, his last English teacher, a really nice American lady with a very sweet tooth, had left the high school without informing the substitute teacher about their arrangement. So now it was Remus’ job to explain to the new victim - a woman called Professor McGonagall - why he had some special necessities. The work of four months gone in a blink. 

Luckily, he had a break after English, so he could solve the problem rather quickly. When the bell rang after his class and all the posh students who attended his private school left to chill in the common room, he made his way to the teacher’s desk.

Professor McGonagall had a sharp look in her eyes that told you not to mess with her, but Remus was an expert on his game. He took in the strong movements and confident posture and realized that this might be a bit more difficult than winning Mrs. Bennet over with butter biscuits. Remus sighed, put on a smile and opened the mouth to begin with his persuasion techniques.

“Close your mouth, Mr Lupin, you look like a fish” Professor McGonagall threw him a: I’m not here to be manipulated by seventeen-year-olds look, “I actually have to speak with you about your grading from the last teacher”.

Remus was thrown off but followed her lead nonetheless, “I’m not sure what you mean, Professor.”

“I reckon you do” She smiled and Remus suddenly felt a shiver down his spine, “I’m not sure what you agreed with Mrs Bennet, but I’m not letting you skip your oral presentations just as easily.”

“But did no such thing, Professor. I didn’t skip it, I just changed the format a bit.”

“Handing in a written paper doesn’t equal doing a presentation, Mr Lupin, and you won’t be getting that immunity from now on.”

Remus felt the frustration rise up in his throat,

“I’m sorry, Professor, but you see: due to my condition, I-”

“Your condition doesn’t affect your mouth, Lupin, that is very clear.”

Remus could recognize a lost battle when he saw one, but he still got one last shot: telling a version of the truth. At the end of the day, the best lies are the ones veiled in candour. Remus breathed deep and bit his lip: he was quite good at acting.

“I’m going to be honest, McGonagall, I-” he held back some fake tears. He was so getting out of this. “It’s about the scars.”

“The scars?”

“Yes, the scars.”

“What about them?”

“Well, people used to make fun of them. There were some rumours: that I was in a gang, that I had been in a madhouse, that I was, ehem, a werewolf…”

McGonagall raised an eyebrow, sceptical.

“And well,” he shrugged, “it didn’t make my life any easier when I moved into a rich private school at the beginning of the year. So staying out of the radar is my best shot to survive here, since I’m, you know, a scholarship student. A scarred scholarship student.”

Remus began to understand McGonagall’s true power when he saw that she was looking at him with an indifferent expression. For God’s sake, didn’t this woman have any empathy?

“Very emotive, Mr Lupin” she said, to Remus dismay, “since you have such an inclination - and a true talent, if I may add - for the interpretation, I will agree not to force you to do any oral presentations.”

And just like that, Remus knew he had lost the battle.

“But you’ll have to compensate for your lack of grade in the oral aspect of the subject by doing an extracurricular. And I suspect that you already know what I’m going to say.”

“No, please, Professor, no. I’ll do the oral, I will-”

“Mr Lupin, you are to participate in this year's theatre program. I believe you’ll fit perfectly well with all the other... drama enjoyers.”

***

To say that Remus Lupin was angry was an understatement. He was absolutely furious. He had just been played by a bloody substitute, and she had absolutely destroyed him. And that wasn’t even the worst. Now he had to attend drama classes, bye bye to his free time after lunch. And to general quiet, because he knew very damn well who went to drama class. The bloody Marauders, who made something in him just bubble with irritation. It had been like that since the first day, and the whole Black Incident didn’t help to smooth things over.

Of course, the one who had wanted to sign up for musical theatre had been Sirius Black, and because they were morons without brain function his two best friends - Pettigrew and Potter - had followed him right into it. Remus usually didn’t care for high school hierarchy, he was used to keeping a low head, trying to prove to everyone that he deserved to be there, and once they all understood, just try to keep going from there, but with the Marauders it was different. It was impossible not to notice them.

He attended the rest of his classes silently, and when he finished his lunch - alone, like always - he made his way into the auditorium, where the lesson took place. On the stage there was a circle of chairs and a couple of people were seated there waiting. Remus tried to ignore the confused looks he was getting while he climbed onto the stage, sitting in the chair farther away from the other students. The others had stopped talking and now were looking at him. Remus made eye contact with them, because he was not a coward, and one of the girls - Mary, he recalled - smiled at him. Remus threw an unsure smile back. 

The door opened again, and the students restarted their chat, but Remus was paying more attention to the redhead that eyed the chairs warily, finally deciding to sit next to him. What a weird choice.

“Is the teacher late again?” she asked out loud, and it took Remus a few seconds to understand that she was talking to him.

“Eh, not sure” he answered, “I’m new to the class.”

Now that caught her attention. She inspected him and after a light of recognition shined in her eyes, she let out a crackle.

“Well, isn’t this convenient,” she murmured, and smiled at him. “Remus Lupin, right? I’m Lily Evans, I think we have a few classes together.”

Remus nodded. He knew her - well, everybody in the school did. Apparently last year there had been some sort of fight between the famous James Potter and Lily’s best friend, which ended in Lily asking Hogwarts golden boy to stop trying to date her. From what Remus had heard, Potter had accepted it, but he wasn’t sure if that would make things in the drama class awkward. 

“Yes, I reckon we do.” he answered, to keep the conversation going. Lily seemed nice enough, and he thought that he’d need some sort of ally in a room full of Black’s obnoxious attitude. “So, drama?”

Lily laughed, and it was a pretty sound. “Yes, well, my sister, Tuna, and I, used to write and perform plays all the time when we were kids. I just thought it would be nice to do something that reminded me of home, you know?”

“Of home?”

“Yes, I am from Ireland. I got the scholarship, so an aunt agreed to house me while I studied here. It still makes one homesick, though” Lily formed a sad smile.

“Oh, I'm from Wales, but my grandad was Irish, '' Remus offered, “my dad had a brother who lived in London, so we moved here. So, you a scholarship student as well, huh?"

"Yeah, you should've seen my mum's face when I got the admission letter to “England's more prestigious school, Lily!" she laughed, putting on a higher tone, but her eyes became sadder as she mumbled "Petunia didn't get in, though."

Remus wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, but seeing Lily sad made him sad. Slowly, he grabbed her hand and squished it, with an empathetic grin. Maybe it was that gesture, or that she had really needed someone to talk to, but Lily let out in a shaky voice.

"I think Petunia hates me now."

Remus thought about what to say next, and realized that maybe he had also needed someone to talk to much more than he had believed.

"But that's not your fault, is it? She will come around. And if she doesn't, well, that's on her."

"Thanks Remus" Lily smiled, "what about you? Was your mum proud?"

"Oh."

"Oh shit, was that a tabú topic? You don't have to answer if you-"

"No, it's fine. My mum” he hesitated, but, surprisingly, he trusted Lily, “well, she passed away last year.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Lily said, horrified. She jumped up and hugged Remus, and he thought that this was the safest he had felt since his mum died: in the arms of an almost stranger. Ironic, isn’t it? After a moment, he hugged her as well, and realized he had needed this so much, a lot more than he had realized. And he didn’t want to let go, but then Lily was backing up, and he came back to his senses. 

He had just hugged a random girl in his new drama class. And he had just told said girl about his dead mum. This was absolutely bollocks. But the thing only got crazier when he heard a too familiar voice from behind say in a shaky tone:

“Uh, hi?”

***

No, it couldn't be. Was the universe really that petty? Sirius Black entered the auditorium to see none other than Remus Lupin hugging Lily Evans. Lily Lupin sounds stupid, he thought with a bitter taste.

"Uh, hi?" He mumbled, absolutely shitting himself because why on Earth had he said anything that made those stunning amber eyes give him their full intensity? Now Remus was rolling his eyes and all Sirius wanted was to curl up in a ball and ask whoever was in power up there to erase the bump he was getting in his throat just by being in the same room as Remus. Then Lily was frowning at him, and he couldn't stand this any more, because the prettiest guy ever absolutely hated him and that was too much to handle.

"You are not going anywhere Pads" James murmured in his ear, using the childhood nickname they had sworn they wouldn't use in public any more, "It's time for you to make things up with Lupin and stop being an absolute disaster. It's a guy, not a bear, act like a bloody Gryffindor for God's sake!"

"But he is here, James!" Sirius cried, and he hated how hysterical he sounded.

"Yes, and this is the perfect excuse to talk to him. '' James sighed, "look, you're a lovely dude, but he doesn't know that. Show it to him and pray for him to be a forgetful fella."

"But what will I do if he hates the dude in me even more? I can't survive that, James!"

"He won't", James assured him, but didn't say anything else because Peter was gesturing at them to come.

"Come on guys, there are only a few seats left, and we should try to sit together!"

"You are absolutely right, Peter" James moved past Sirius and into the chair circle. Now everyone's attention was on them and, despite Sirius being an attention loving lad in general, he knew that everything he did and said would irritate Remus, and he was feeling very uncool and unfunny and overall just dumb right now. It all felt really embarrassing.

"Let's just sit, James. Don't need to announce it, " he said, and made an attempt to sit on the chair next to Marlene McKinnon,  which was a comfortable amount of distance away from Remus Lupin.

"Sirius! Are you really not going to sit next to your brother?" James shouted. Sirius gestured at the empty seats next to him.

"Just come here?" he said. Remus scoffed and Sirius felt really small. 

"No, I can't do that," James continued.

"Why." Sirius was getting annoyed and just wanted to be ordinary for once.

"Just choose a bloody chair!" Lily complained. 

“Well, Lily, to your information I’m deeply injured” James replied, crossing his arms in mock indignation.

“And why is that,” Lily asked, raising her eyebrows. Remus wasn’t looking at them any more. He was inspecting his nails and biting his lip, focused. Sirius thought he would die.

“I fell on Footy practise the other day and I need Sirius’ help to function properly,” James said, “now, Sirius, if you would be so kind-” James gestured to the empty chair between his’ and Remus’. Remus looked up, sensing the movement close to him, and gave James a puzzled look. James smiled at him and Remus let out an annoyed sight, moving his eyes to Sirius’. And maybe it was the challenge in those amber eyes or Sirius had finally lost it, but he walked firmly to the chair and seated rather abruptly. The two boys had maintained eye contact the whole time, and now they were sitting very close, so close that Sirius could see Remus’ freckles and his light eyebags. He could see those faint scars that haunted his every thought, a need to feel them possessing his fingers. He wanted to ask Remus if he was okay, to hug him like Lily had done minutes ago. But then Remus decided that Sirius wasn’t interesting enough or that he could do better, because Sirius couldn't see that beautiful ghost of a dimple any more.

“You are so whipped, mate,” Peter laughed quietly from James’ other side. 

“Shut up.”

Chapter Text

Sirius Black was probably the worst seat neighbour ever, or at least that was Remus’ conclusion half an hour in of their first drama class together. He was constantly moving, fidgeting with the end of his blue sweater or stomping his foot lightly at the rhythm of some random song. He didn’t let Remus concentrate with his multiple witty comments about whatever the teacher, Mr Graham, was talking about. The worst part was that Remus actually found them funny, but he didn’t let Black have the satisfaction of knowing that.

Mr Graham, the drama professor, hadn’t even apologised about his ten minutes delay and had started the class by telling them about some conspiracy theory involving Shakespeare and the last act of Mean Girls. Remus had completely tuned him out and was staring at the schoolbag thrown between his and Sirius’ chair.

It was a cool bag. Leather. It had various pins and a rainbow lace on one zipper. He wondered how could someone so insufferable as Sirius have such a cool bag. He then thought about being in drama, and about how that could affect the development of the year. If given a choice, Remus would rather do an oral presentation in front of twenty-five students than in a full auditorium. McGonagall hadn’t given him that choice, though, and now he just had to try to survive and keep those memories deep buried in his mind, especially when he was on the stage. He hoped the director had already given the parts for the school play away, and his job mostly consisted of opening and closing the curtains.

“So… wanna be my partner?” he heard a voice say. Remus looked up to find an unsure grin on Sirius’ face. Oh, he despised how beautiful that grin was. Good looking people were usually arseholes and that was really unfair. All the other students were talking in little groups now, and the atmosphere seemed much more lively than before.

“Um… sorry, I’ve already partnered with Lily” Remus answered, looking at Lily for confirmation. The redheaded nodded, smiling, and Remus pretended he didn’t notice the sad shadow on Sirius’ stormy grey eyes.

“Oh, no, no it’s fine, I just-” Sirius mumbled, finally giving up at Remus' blank expression. Remus rolled his eyes and moved to face Lily.

“What was that about?” she asked, frowning. Remus shrugged, looking away.

“You absolutely destroyed him. A bullet in his heart would’ve been more merciful” she said, an incredulous grin on her pink lips. Lily was very pretty, Remus thought, not a wonder Potter had been heads over heels for her not so much time ago.

When she saw that Remus wasn’t planning to answer, she continued, “So, did you pay attention to what we were supposed to do?”

Remus blushed, “No, sorry, I totally spaced out.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll eventually get used to dealing with Mr Graham and learn to tune in the important bits,” she assured him. “Now we have to create a short scene presenting ourselves, just a couple of lines. I think it’s to introduce everyone to you. Which is ironic considering you weren’t even paying attention.”

“Is this a drama version of ice-breaking games? Ugh, I hate those,” Remus whined, “ I never know what to say.”

But what made Remus’ stomach flip wasn’t the lack of answers. It was everyone’s attention on him. That feeling of insecurity, constant panic of doing one thing wrong. If you fucked up, the sharks were merciless. He knew that very damn well. He really, really hoped he could stay in the production team. 

“Well, don’t worry, we have to present them next lesson, now we just have to come up with some funny duet,” Lily explained.

“Easier said than done,” Remus sighed. Lily laughed, moving her hair out of her face. Then, she opened her eyes wide, realizing something.

“I don’t think I have your number, Remus,” she said, “you should give it to me, so we can plan to meet up and finish this atrocity of a task.”

“Oh, sure,” Remus replied, surprising himself. No one in this fancy school had his number, he had sworn he wouldn’t get that close to anyone. But he actually liked Lily, and maybe they could both use a friend right now. 

***

Sirius eyed Remus from time to time the rest of the class, but the other boy didn’t look in his direction a single time. When the bell finally rang, and his peers stood up, prepared to leave, a cold shiver went down his spine. He couldn’t go home, not yet. He felt bad and he wasn’t even sure - or at least, ready to admit - the reason why. And a troubled Sirius meant an impertinent Sirius. And everyone close to him knew how dangerous an impertinent Sirius was to his own safety. Especially at home. So Sirius, for once, did the right thing and asked Peter: 

“Hey, Pete, want to go to your house this evening and play that new game you got?”

“The cooking one?” Peter asked, confused. 

“Yes.”

“But you hate cooking, why would you-?” 

“Please, Pete” Sirius said, in a pleading tone. And because it wasn’t the first time Peter had seen Sirius troubled, he knew instantly why his friend was suddenly so interested in his cooking game. So he drew a sweet smile and replied: 

“Sure, mate. James, want to come too?”

The darked haired guy nodded, before grunting. “Nah, sorry, today I have the new kurta photo session.”

“Oh, yeah, it sucks to be the new hot sensation in the traditional Indian fashion industry” Sirius laughed.

“Hey, it’s not my fault that I have a symmetrical rogue face and a natural charisma!” 

“Believe me,” Peter added, while Sirius crackled “It’s just your face.”

“You are just jealous you are not as pretty as me,” James scoffed.

“Please, James, Sirius is literally one of the handsomest people ever ” Peter declared.

“And Peter has that cuteness that everyone can’t help but to faint over,” Sirius completed, “Like, have you seen that overbite? Even Taylor can’t pull it off as flawlessly.”

“Woah there, now you are just exaggerating.” James said.

“Yeah, definitely Taylor Swift does it better. Too much mate,” Peter agreed.

And as they left the auditorium, laughing breathlessly, Sirius’ eyes weren’t so dark. After all, Remus’ hatred was now in a foggy past and what was waiting for him at home wasn’t that scary. Sirius thanked whoever was up there for his friends, because he knew he would’ve already given up if it wasn’t for them.

***

Remus was ready to leave when he saw a forgotten notebook under a chair. 

“Remus, are you coming?” Lily shouted from across the auditorium.

“Wait, I think someone left their notebook. I’m just going to grab it and take it to Lost and Found. You can get going.”

“Oh, okay. I’m actually in a bit of a hurry,” she excused herself, “See you tomorrow!”

Remus smiled to himself and went to grab the notebook. It was all black and the pages seemed used. He thought that it’s owner probably had their name written somewhere in it, so he opened it looking for an identity. The pages were full of a fancy, looped handwriting, almost calligraphy, written in black ink. There were scribbles and doodles covering up every inch.

-so maybe I’m the problem. I’m very confused, and I try to write, but my pen can move fast enough, it can catch up to the hurricane in my mind. I’m scared. I think I actually like him. I know it’s too late, all this confusion for nothing. I feel different though. I don’t know if I want to cry or laugh

I’m gay.

Not sure if I should have written that. Not going to cross it though. Too late for that, too.

Remus closed the notebook. Holy shit. This wasn’t just a random notebook. This was a diary of some sorts. He definitely couldn’t leave this in Lost and Found, for anyone to find it. It was too personal. It hit too close to home. Whoever this was, they were going through the same exact thing he did not so many years ago. The fear, the confusion, the bittersweet taste of realizing you couldn’t deny the truth any more. That you just had to try to accept it. Remus had to give the notebook back directly to his owner. He ignored the voice that said “Are you sure, don’t you just want to meet another one like you?” Another queer. What would it be like to meet someone who understood parts of him he wasn’t sure to understand himself? Relieving. It would be relieving.

So, ignoring the rational part of his brain telling him to stop this morally dubious action, he opened the notebook again, searching for a name again. This person needed him, he told the voice, they needed help, and he knew how to do that. “Didn’t you swear that you wouldn’t get close to anyone?” the voice replied. This is different, and you know why, he answered. 

And he has THOSE eyes. And that smileee. Oh, diary, I blush just thinking about it. And that’s not my only reaction, if you know what I mean ;))

Oh, holy mother, this guy was horny. He was gay, he liked a guy. There’s a gay guy in my class, Remus thought, and he hated his brain for thinking about the only person he knew for sure that was one hundred percent straight. He hated that his brain always ended up thinking about him against his will.

And he is really smart too, top grades, or so tell me my friends. I don't have many classes with him. Pity. And he’s kind, I know it, he has a good person aura. I’m worried about him though, lately he always looks tired and has those awful eyebags and doesn’t smile often. I think I like him too much. Anyway.

Talk to you later xoxo

Padfoot <33

Padfoot? He used a nickname? Well, that would only complicate things. Remus looked at the first pages.

Don’t read this!!!!! Please :(

If you found this (for the record, it’s all fictional, i’m writing a novel, don’t believe anything you read) please return it to me!!!

My mail is: [email protected] thanks!! :)

No really don't read it, be a good person. 

Oh, an email, Remus thought, he could have started from there. And for some reason, Remus, for the first time in a year, couldn't wait to get home. He needed his computer to write an email to Padfoot, and he was getting excited just thinking about it.

Hi Padfoot!

Don’t worry, I’ve found your notebook, but I’m queer too, want to be friends?

[email not sent]

Hi Padfoot,

Boys, am I right?? 

[email not sent]

***

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Hello Padfoot,

Do not worry, I have found your notebook, but I don’t mean any harm. I assume you want to get it back so if you want we can meet up whenever you are free so I can return it to you. I thought that Lost and Found wasn’t a safe enough place to put it, due to it’s personal content (I swear I just read a couple of lines before I realized what it meant, I’m so so sorry).

Moony

PD: I don’t know how you’ll take this, but, if you need to talk to someone, I am here. I don’t know who you are so don’t worry about me snitching you out. I would never do that. I swear on David Bowie’s soul. :))

PD2: You’ve got a friend in me…. 

PD3: I apologize.

[email sent]

***

[ Unknown number ] 

hi Remus! it’s Lily from class! nice to be able to talk to you :)

hi lily! nice to talk to you too

:)) 

***

Sirius opened the front door slowly, and closed it behind him as quietly as possible. The virtual cooking had lasted longer than expected and now Sirius was a couple of minutes late to the family dinner. He smoothed his white shirt - part of his uniform - and combed his dark shoulder-length hair with his fingers, only achieving to make it look more rebellious. 

“For fuck’s sake-” he whispered, as the family servant, Kreacher, gave him a dirty look from the other side of the long dark corridor, the first dish of the dinner in his hands.

“Welcome home, Young Master Black,” he said his name with disgust. “You are late for dinner. Again.”

“Sorry, Kreacher” Sirius replied, climbing the stairs to his room on the second floor, “You know I’d never do that on purpose,” he snickered, “be right back, going to put the backpack in my room!”

“Your parents are waiting-”

Kreacher's voice was cut out by the door closing. Sirius didn’t bother with hiding it, his parents already knew he had just arrived thanks to dear old Kreacher. 

“Ugh, I hate him so much,” Sirius said to his Jobriath poster. Kreacher was from a line of servants that had been with his family since medieval times. And a XV century mindset was the only explanation to have the world views his family had, Sirius thought. They were all just a bunch of old mommies who dreamed about the golden past of the British Empire, still thinking that the way things have always been is the right way to go. A bunch of old homophobic, sexist, racist, dumb mommies. 

Sirius knew he should go down, because if he didn’t the consequences would be even worse, but he just couldn’t. He didn’t want to be there at all. So he pulled out his phone to check for any new messages, only to find that he had received an email to his old Padfoot account. That still exist?, he laughed to himself. James, Peter and him used to communicate during the summers spent apart thanks to emails, using their old nicknames from when they were younger. Oh, nostalgia. 

[New email]

[Friday, January 21th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Hello Padfoot,

Do not worry, I have found your notebook, but I don’t mean any harm. I assume you want to get it back so if you want we can meet up whenever you are free so I can return it to you. I thought that Lost and Found wasn’t a safe enough place to put it, due to it’s personal content (I swear I just read a couple of lines before I realized what it meant, I’m so so sorry).

Moony

PD: I don’t know how you’ll take this, but, if you need to talk to someone, I am here. I don’t know who you are so don’t worry about me snitching you out. I would never do that. I swear on David Bowie’s soul. :))

PD2: You’ve got a friend in me…. 

PD3: I apologize.

A panicked sort of frenezy went through his mind while Sirius reached to grab his backpack, only to find out that his diary was definitely not there. Holy Crap. No, it couldn’t be. Someone in school had access to all of his secrets. He could say goodbye to any hope of living past 20 he ever had. Once they told his parents, Sirius could start getting ready to write a will. And everyone in school would find out about his homelife, about the beatings, about him being-

Him being gay.

It was an absolute nightmare and Sirius’ life was on some random kid’s hands who used Moony as a fucking nickname. He was absolutely and utterly fucked. And now he realized he hadn’t been breathing for a while, and he suddenly needed air, he needed to fill his lungs. But the air didn’t come fast enough, it wasn’t doing anything. 

And because of his panic attack Sirius didn’t hear the soft knocks on his door, or the voice saying “Sirius, dad and mum are getting impatient!” Finally, the door opened, and Sirius suddenly had someone’s fingers grabbing his hands, getting them away from his face. And there was Regulus’ face, his mouth telling him to breathe, to follow his lead. When Sirius could focus again and his heart had returned to a normal speed, he was very confused.

“Where did you learn to do that?” he asked, in a too harsh tone, but it was too late to take it back.

Regulus shrugged, “I used to have them all the time when I was a kid.”

“No you didn’t,” Sirius said, frowning.

“Yes, I did,” Regulus insisted, getting annoyed. “Mum always said it was a weakness, so she told Kreacher to find a way to make them stop. He teached me how to deal with them.”

“Yes, that sounds something like Mother would do,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. Maybe Regulus saw that as an invitation, because he asked:

“So, what was that about?”

“None of your business,” Sirius said, sharply. “If I tell you, you’ll run to “Mummy”’s side to tell her everything.”

“No, I won’t” Regulus said, and Sirius was surprised to see him actually offended. “Look, I know that when we were young-”

“Literally two years ago.”

“I might have taken advantage of your disagreements to stay in a good light with them. But I don’t think like them anymore.”

“What? You realized that maybe women should be able to vote? Wow, great job Reggie!” 

Regulus cringed at the use of the nickname, which he was used to hearing in a warm tone, and not in such anger. “No, I realized that their views are sick and vile,” he continued. Regulus breathed in, and said, in a strained tone, “I’m so sorry. For everything. For letting our relationship die. For killing it, might be a more appropriate term. For being such an immature prat. For not being there when you needed it.”

Regulus looked up to see Sirius with a hurt expression, which quickly disappeared when the later realized Regulus was looking at him. A tense silence grew between them, and Sirius istill wasn’t making eye contact. His mind was a hurricane of thoughts, the need to forgive, the resentment, the sadness. He finally ispected his brother, who was on his knees, in front of him. And, to his surprise, Regulus did look diferent. He had grown a couple inches since the begging of the school year, his face seemed more confident, his posture more relaxed. His gaze clearer.

“And thank you. For staying here, for not giving up,” Regulus continued, “but I want you to know that you shouldn’t risk your safety to stay with me.”

Sirius still didn’t say anything, but a weak smile appeared on his face. He belived him. After years, Sirius could say he kind of trusted his brother. Regulus smiled back.

“Now, tell me what’s going on.”

Sirius opened his mouth to talk, but Regulus cut him. “Wait, maybe we should go to dinner first. Our parents were really annoyed and I think it’s best if we talk about this later before they send Kreacher to exterminate us.”

“Oh, please” Sirius said, in a small voice, “Kreacher loves you with all his putrid heart. He’d never hurt you.”

Regulus laughed, and it was an attempt: a fragile one, but an attempt nonetheless.

Chapter Text

For the first time since he had entered his new school, four months ago, Remus Lupin was eating lunch with someone. Lily Evans sat in front of him, telling him about what they had been doing in their drama class since the beginning of the year. Remus actually liked Lily: she was funny, smart and an amazing listener. 

Seated at a table to their right, Sirius Black was eating with his friends and some girls. Remus vaguely recalled that they also attended their drama class; Marlene, Dorcas and Mary, if he wasn’t wrong. He was wearing his hair tied in a bun and a leather jacket, which definitely went against the school’s dressing policy, but one of Black’s most detestable traits was that he didn’t give a fuck about anything. He didn’t care, because there weren’t any consequences for it. Remus wanted to go over there and rip the jacket in half. 

“Oh, no, not again,”  Lily sighed.

“Hello, Lily,” a nasal voice said from behind Remus. He looked back and saw a lanky guy with black hair a bit shorter than Sirius’. Sirius’ hair is so much prettier, Remus’ brain thought, against his will. The guy grimaced at Remus, a look of disgust in his eyes.

“What do you want, Severus?” Lily said in an annoyed tone.

“Just passing by, taking care of my friend,” Severus replied.

“You aren’t my friend any more, Severus-

“Is this… indigent bothering you, Lily?” Severus asked, with a nasty smile.

“Shut up, Snape, and go away,” Lily replied, “You do realize I’m a scholarship student as well, don’t you?”

“But have you seen him? Hey, Lupin, how did you get those scars? Street fights?” Severus replied with a mock, and Remus was feeding up.

“Who even are you?” Remus asked genuinely, and a light laugh sounded from the table next to theirs. Sirius was looking at them, a smile playing in his lips, and Remus hated how proud he felt for making Sirius laugh. Snape didn’t look that happy.

“Stay out of this, Black,” he grunted. Now all the other table had stopped eating and were looking at them. Remus made eye contact with James, who had a questioning look on his face. 

“ You stay out of this,” Lily said to Severus, “Go away, Snape, or I’ll tell a Professor you’re bothering us.”

“I’m just trying to help you, Lily,” Snape said.

“Hey, Snape guy,” Remus said, snapping his fingers to get Snape’s attention, “Maybe I’m terribly mistaken, and please correct me if that’s the case, but you don’t have any issue with your auditory system, do you?”

“What? What are you trying to imply-”

“If you don’t, then you must be terribly thick,” Remus continued, “Because Lily has told you multiple times to go away.”

Snape clenched his fist before spitting, “I’m not taking advice from Black’s bitch.”

“Oi, shut up you filthy piece of shit,” Sirius jumped, “Leave now, or I’ll-”

“Black, stay out of this,” Remus grunted, and Sirius looked like he had been slapped, before looking down at his plate and sitting again.

“Is there any problem here?” a cold voice asked, and Professor McGonagall appeared with a severe frown on her face.

“It’s Snape, Professor,” James declared, surprising everyone. He had been awfully quiet the whole time. “He’s bothering Lily and is making all of us very uncomfortable.”

“With that terrible smell, that is,” Sirius mumbled.

“What was that, Mr Black?”

“Nothing Professor!” 

McGonagall seemed very tired. She looked at Lily and Remus.

“Is that true, Miss Evans?” she asked.

“Yes, he won’t leave when I ask him to.” Lily confirmed, and McGonagall nodded, understanding.

“He’s also insulted Remus, Minnie!” Sirius added, and McGonagall frowned. Snape had been awfully quiet until then, and that made Remus uneasy.

“Anything to say about these accusations, Mr Snape?” McGonagall asked, displeased.

“I'd like to discuss them in your office, if that’s an option, Professor,” he said, calmly.

McGonagall agreed and they left, leaving the eight other students alone. An agitated silence remained. 

“Are you okay, Lily?” James finally asked, with a sorrowful tone. 

“Yeah, that was kind of harsh,” Marlene said with an awkward smile. Mary and Dorcas nodded in agreement, and Lily looked baffled.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she answered, and looked away. So I guess that thing with Potter didn’t just affect her relationship with the Marauders, Remus thought, did Lily also have a history with Dorcas, Marlene and Mary? Gosh, this school was full of constant drama. Still better than the last one, the voice in his head said bitterly, and Remus couldn’t help it but agree. 

“You okay too, Remus?” Peter asked, and Remus nodded, looking at Lily.

“Want to get going?” he asked her, and Lily gave him a grateful smile, getting up and grabbing her stuff. Remus followed her out of the lunch room, leaving the Marauders and the girls behind. 

“If you need to talk about Snape, I’m here,” he said, because he was still very new to this whole friendship situation and wasn’t sure how to act. Lily hugged him from behind and put her head on Remus' shoulder, letting go a sigh.

“Not yet. But thanks.”

***

[Monday, January 24th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]  

Hello Moony,

Thanks for emailing me about the notebook. I appreciate that you were so thoughtful and your discrecy about the whole issue. Thanks for not blackmailing me or anything hsghhgh

Now, if you want to, you can leave it in the school’s male changing room and I’ll grab it as soon as I can. Please tell me the date you’ll do that so I can prepare. And thanks also for respecting my privacy. I absolutely freaked out when I received the email but my idiot - but kinda smart - brother helped me understand that you were alright and didn’t plan to publish my diary or something.

Anyway. Now I’ll be anxiously waiting for your answer. (I have to show this to my brother first so he can approve it tho)

Thanks, again,

Padfoot

PD: That’s very kind, but I don’t know much about you yet. I find this secret confident a great idea, but I’m scared that you’ll discover who I am and tell everyone or something idk someone to talk would be great tho

PD2: I’m taking that last thing back.

PD3: you suck ur apology isn't accepted

***

[Monday, January 24th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Hey Padfoot,

I suggest I leave it in the auditorium dress room, it’d probably be less crowded. I’ll leave it there next Friday after lunch, and I’ll leave as fast as I can so we don’t collapse. 

About the whole gratitude phenomenon: it’s not necessary. It’s what every sane person would do, that someone tells all your secrets, specially the darkest and most vulnerable ones, to other people is absolutely horrible. 

If that’ll make you trust me more, though, I can maybe share one with you: I tell people that my favourite film is Schindler's List (which I do like), but my actual favourite film is Mamma Mia. And the best character is Harry, obviously. 

You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, though.

Moony

PD: :)

PD2: ok then

PD3: fuck u too. By the way, your brother seems very nice, he’s obviously the brilliant one of you two. 

***

[Monday, January 24th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

Hi Moony,

Ok, nice plan, thanks! (and no I won't stop saying thanks bc u have been so nice and we both know not everyone would have done that.)

You sneaky bastard, I bet you are a bloody movie snob. I've never seen Mamma Mia but now I really want to, and yes, it is absolutely because you said it was your favourite and you are definitely a movie snob. I don't have a favourite movie, I'm not used to watching them, so I guess I can't answer your question.

I'll also tell you a secret, tho, because I like this game. A fun fact about me is that I would love to own a motorbike. But not just owning it, like building it from scratch. Imagine it, Moony, driving on an empty road, sunset on your back, hair flailing in the wind, Queen blasting on the radio.

Do you like Queen?

Padfoot 

PD3: He isn't.

***

[Tuesday, January 25th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Hi Padfoot,

I am not a movie snob. And you should watch Mamma Mia.

Moony 

PD: Friday in the auditorium after lunch it is then.

*** 

After knowing Sirius Black for so long, James knew every little tick, every clue of a mood change. Every emotion Sirius experienced was as easy to read as Peter's recipes. (Because, to everyone's surprise, Peter had a very neat and legible handwriting.) And James took pride in that, but, when the little prat in question showed up Tuesday morning with a huge grin on his face and bouncing around the corridors you didn't need James' gift of deduction to realize that Sirius was in a very good mood.

It was 8 o’clock and the corridors were full of sleepy students walking to their classes with a lost look in their eyes. Maybe that was why Sirius’ peppy walk made him stand out, or the fact that he was probably the only student who refused to wear the mandatory old-school uniform - “It’s rooted in cis heteronormativity and pure misogyny, James! Ask Mary if she wants to wear that bloody skirt all the time! - but the thing was that today, Sirius was attracting more attention than usual. 

"Calm down, Black, or the floor will collapse from all your bloody joy jumps," said Marlene McKinnon, who wasn't a full person before ten a.m., especially around hyperactive people.

"She is kind of right, you know?" Mary added, "what has got you in puppy mode?"

The girls had joined them that morning on the way to their classes. The three of them had been in a shaky mood since their conversation with Lily Evans the day before, guilt possessing their faces.

"Do you think we were too harsh with her?" James had heard Dorcas say after Lily and Remus left; "We couldn't keep being near that asshole, Cas" Marlene had said, "I'm sorry for her, but if she wants to be friends with an intolerant piece of shit that doesn't mean we should."

"It seemed like they weren't friends any more, though," Mary had added, and neither of them said anything else.

Now the girls were hanging with them, as in to remind themselves that they had made the right choice. James wasn't that sure they had, though, and they knew damn well his thoughts on the whole issue.

"It's nothing," Sirius answered Mary's question, "I just think there are good people out there. Humanity isn't doomed!"

"That's just a lie," Mary said.

"Mood," added Peter.

"We're all going to die anyway," concluded Dorcas.

"And I want to watch Mamma Mia!" Sirius declared, with a sappy grin.

"Why?" Marlene asked, "You don't even like movies. I don't think you can remain seated for more than an hour straight."

The rest of them nodded, in agreement.

"I just think it would be nice," Sirius shrugged, "I've heard Harry is very relatable."

"The gay one? Sure, you'd relate, for sure." Marlene joked, and Sirius gave her a sweet grin. Sirius had come out to them less than a month ago, after he had returned from Christmas holidays with dark eyebags and a paranoid attitude. Everyone was still waking on eggshells around Sirius and the topic, because they knew that his family homophobic views didn't make the whole "accepting my sexuality" very easy for him. Marlene, on the other hand, who had declared herself “a raging lesbian” since Year 8 had quickly thrown him under her wing, telling him she’ll teach him about the queer way.

"So, who wants to join me in James' house for a film afternoon?" Sirius smiled, excited.

"Yeah, count me in, I'm always in the mood for some ABBA," Peter said.

"Yeah, it's been so long since I saw it! I'm in too," Dorcas added, and Peter high-fived her.

And because Dorcas was coming, Marlene was going too, and Mary also wanted an excuse to eat popcorn. 

"Do I even get a say in all this?" James protested, "since, you know, you are all coming to my house?"

"Shut up, James," Sirius said, and that was it. 

***

[Paddy and Prongsy]

sirius were tf are you 

you are the one who wanted to do this

cominggg

***

[Tuesday, January 25th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

Hi Moonyyy

I've done it! I've watched Mamma Mia! Yep, definitely Harry was the best father possible for Sophie. He was the one who really wanted a daughter after all. James Bond was just horny. 

I really liked the songs, apparently ABBA is as iconic as everyone said. Speaking of music, you didn't answer my Queen question :( Really, look me in the eye and tell me you do not want to feel the wind in your hair as Don't Stop Me Now sounds at full volume. 

How is your hair?

Padfoot :)

***

[Tuesday, January 25th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Hi Padfoot,

Wow, that was fast. I'm glad you enjoyed it, ABBA is iconic, even though I'm more of a Bowie type of guy. Queen is great too.

I didn't really answer your motorbike bit because it was six a.m. and I could barely see the keyboard, but I think you'd look very punk rock riding a motorbike, sun, road, etc. And I, in fact, have light short brown hair, so I can't completely relate. 

What are your pronouns, Padfoot? I just realized I've been calling you a guy in my mind but I don't know for sure. 

My pronouns are he/him

Moony 

***

[Tuesday, January 25th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

Moonyyy

I think you calling me punk rock is the nicest compliment I've ever received. And yes, obviously you are also a music snob, why didn't I realize before. 

Your hair seems nice, I like it. 

My pronouns are he/him as well, thanks for asking, but I would also be cool with he/them I guess. Ahh this is all so confusing.

Anyways. I want to tell you another secret: I have a bit of a problem Moony, and I think you might be able to help me since you are the smartest person I know.

There is this person. I kinda like this person. They absolutely despise me (for good reason). Do you know any way I could show them how sorry I am? I'm not trying to seduce them or anything, I don't even know if they like guys, but seeing everyday how much they dislike me is slowly killing me. 

Anyways. What is your favourite colour?

Padfoot :)

***

"So, are you ready?" Lily asked, as she grabbed the glitter brush and slowly glittered Remus' cheek.

"Eh, sure," the guy being glittered answered, "I just don't understand why you have to glitter me if we aren't performing today."

"Is to see which colour works better on you, duh,” she answered.

They were seated in Lily’s purple carpet, on her bedroom’s floor. Outside, the rain was pouring against the windows, creating a chilly atmosphere. Remus was buried in a warm jumper, facing a white bedside lamp that stood dangerously on Lily’s bed corners and Lily was grabbing Remus’ chin with strong fingers, focused. 

“Hm, yep, definitely green” Lily declared, standing up and starting to pick up her make-up supplies, scattered on her bed and white desk. “Black’s going to hate it, though.”

“What? Why?” Remus asked, confused. At first, he thought he had imagined it, since lately his mind had been making him think about Sirius more than usual, but after hearing Lily’s soft laugh he knew he had heard right. 

“Well, you know, he hates green because of the whole Slytherin-Gryffindor rivalry.” Lily explained, but those words didn’t mean anything to Remus.

“The what of whom ?” He asked. It wasn’t the first time he had heard those terms at Hogwarts, but no one had bothered to explain them to him.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot you just joined Hogwarts this year,” Lily realized. “It’s stupid,” she declared, rolling her eyes, “but Hogwarts used to be separated by houses until very recently. Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. It created stupid rivalries and fights between the students, though, and it was mostly dumb. That’s why like, two years ago or something, they removed them. Maybe a couple of years more and we’ll get rid of these bloody uniforms too,” she laughed, sitting on the floor next to Remus once again, their backs reclined on the bed’s side. 

“That’s crazy,” Remus said, “and I’m assuming that Black didn’t like the green ones?”

“Thinking about Sirius again, huh?” Lily joked, and Remus looked away, confused. “Oi, I’m just kidding! But yes, Sirius’ family had always belonged to Slytherin, and well…he’s not exactly on good terms with them.”

“What do you mean?” Remus said, in a detached voice, looking out of the window. 

“It's not really my place to tell,” Lily looked uncomfortable, “Let’s just say it’s enough to make him hate the colour green for the rest of his life.”

Remus didn’t answer, although he was clenching the hem of his jumper tightly. 

“I can change the colour of your glitter, if you want,” Lily offered. 

“No, it’s okay,” Remus replied, “I don’t care about what Black thinks.”

Lily nodded, pretending she believed him.

“So, what about you?” she asked, putting her arm around his shoulders. “If we are going to be best friends, I need to know a bit more about you.”

“Best friends?” Remus laughed, showing his dimples.

“Sure!” Lily smiled, “I’ll go first: Hi, my name is Lily, I have a tendency to get into toxic relationships, and I’m a bisexual disaster.”

“Wait, you are bi?” Remus almost shouted, pulling away abruptly, confusion overtaking his features.

“Yes, will that be a problem, Mr Lupin?” Lily asked, a you-better-not-fuck-this-up look on her face.  

“Oh, no, no, not at all,” Remus quickly cleared. He looked down, and breathed in and out, biting his lip. “I’m, I’m bi too,” he said, softly.

“Wait, seriously?” Lily shrieked with excitement, pulling Remus into a crushing embrace and hopping lightly, “I can believe this, we are going to absolutely make everyone fall in love with us while looking fabulous!”

Remus smiled wildly, returning the embrace and trying to match her energy. Lily Evans was bisexual. Just like him. There were other people like him. He could barely contain his excitement. 

“And we’ll get matching flags, and go to parades, and do hot stuff together - if you are into all that of course - and ahh, we could rate each other’s crushes!”

“All of this sounds awesome, Lils-”

“Ah! You just called me Lils!”

“But I’m not really out to anyone, so if we could keep this between us-”

“Of course, Remus, “she said, her tone becoming serious. She grabbed his face into her hands, sincerity shining in her bright green eyes. “I don’t really mind if you tell people about me, but I swear that’ll respect your decisions. And if I make you uncomfortable in any way, just tell me, okay?”

Remus smiled. He couldn’t believe his luck. “Thanks, Lils”

“Your welcome, love.”

“By the way, which colours were the other houses, apart from Slytherin?”

***

[Tuesday, January 25th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Hello Padfoot,

I’m glad you like my hair. 

I don’t know what to say about your issue, though, it seems pretty tough. I think you should be honest with this person; tell them why you are sorry and make them understand how guilty you feel. If they still don’t forgive you, then you should accept their decision and try to move on. I hope I could help you in any way, although it was mostly general advice since I don’t know much about the situation. 

My favourite colour has got to be green, but not emerald green like the Slytherin used to wear or whatever: I like deep forest green, the one that makes you think of endless raw forests and wild freedom. The one that just by looking at it makes you smell of pine trees and fresh rain. 

I realized you say Anyways. Anytime you don’t know what to say because you just confessed something deep about yourself. It’s cute, but you don’t need to feel awkward.

What’s your favourite book?

Moony

***

[bi bitchesss]

lily what is that name

shut up you know you love i t <3

no i don’t 

get out of my mind witch

just one of my multiple superpowers

oh yeah? what are the others?

always looking hot and chemistry 

fair enough

***

The lights were off when Remus exited his room, where he had been locked doing homework all afternoon. His dad was seated on the couch watching TV, eyes lost, an open bag of chips half-eaten on his lap. Remus sighed, switching on the lights, and went to sweep the chips that had fallen on the floor. 

“Dad, wake up,” he muttered, “let’s get you to bed, shall we?”

Lyall blinked slowly, frowning, searching for someone in his surroundings that wasn’t there any more. He stretched as he yawned, curling his lanky limbs in a ball again. Remus grabbed the glasses that threatened to fall on the floor; they couldn’t really afford some new ones. His dad had always been thin, but now he was even more scrawny than Remus; his sadness had taken away a bit of life every day until he didn’t care about eating any day. His only son wasn’t enough of a reason to stay, Remus thought bitterly, but he knew he wasn’t being fair. 

Remus gave up and threw a blanket on him, which Lyall grabbed thightly. He hadn’t even bothered to acknowledge Remus. The front door creaked open and a copy of Lyall but fuller and younger came in, carrying a suitcase and a day of work on his shoulders. And the future of this family, at this rate. 

“Will he sleep on the couch again?” Tobey asked, getting rid of his thick coat and entering the kitchen to prepare himself a quick dinner.

“I suppose so,” Remus replied, cringing. Tobey had not only let them stay with him, showing infinite sympathy, but he had made it a home for them. And they repaid by being terrible guests.

“It’s also your home, now,” he had assured him, when Remus moved in with guilt boiling in his stomach. Remus bet Tobey regretted immensely having two more mouths to feed, but was too nice to ask them to leave. They didn’t have anywhere to go anyway.

“So, how was the test?” Tobey shouted from the kitchen, “Physics, innit?” 

Remus chuckled at Tobey’s English accent after living so many years in London. He wondered if he would lose his Welsh one, like Tobey had. “Yep, reckon I’ll get an eight,” he answered, and smiled at Tobey’s warm laugh.

“You’ll get a top grade, I can tell,” Tobey came out of the kitchen and handed Remus a sandwich, “brilliant kid, fantastic brain you got in there, huh?”

Remus shrugged, satisfied to have pleased his uncle. Lyall grunted from his side on the couch. “I’m just good at memorizing” he rubbed off the complement, digging in the tuna sandwich. 

“Ah, just as modest as your dad,” Tobey smiled, “speaking of which,” he sighed, “I’ve booked an appointment with a therapist for Friday. I’ll cover all costs, don’t worry,” Tobey interrupted, as Remus already had a complaint in his mouth, “but you’ll have to get him there, I’ll be working.”

Tobey gave him a you-can-argue-everything-you-want-but-I’ve-already-made-my-mind look, and Remus could recognize that look because it was the one Lyall used to wear all the time. And so did he. 

“Sure, I can do that,” he finally said, because he couldn’t really express his gratitude without crying, and he was still wary when it came to Tobey’s and his relationship. “Where is it?”

“Kensington, I’ll text you the address,” Tobey said.

“Thank you so much,” Remus said, and he didn’t know what else to add because this was a lot and he probably wouldn’t be able to repay it. He’d try, though.

“Should have done it a lot sooner,” Tobey sighed, letting the weight of the day crush on him, “maybe then he wouldn’t be this bad.” He said, gesturing to Lyall.

“It’s not our fault that he’s like this,” Remus murmured, and Tobey smiled sweetly, because those were the first words he had ever said to his nephew. Remus smiled back, and the only thing interrupting the silence was the light buzz of the TV.

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

MOONBOY

I’ve been wondering, how did you get this name? 

Thanks for your advice, I’ll keep it in mind. I’ve wanted to apologize to them in a while, but you know, it’s scary. I’ll definitely do it though, I’m a Gryffindor after all. 

Your type of green seems nice, it somehow suits you a lot. I think I like it too. My favourite colour has to be red: fire, elmo, Knuckles the Echidna. Do I have to say more? 

Oh. I didn’t realize about my anyway but now I'll be hyper aware of it hshjshs. Did you just call me cute? Moony, you flirt! ;)

My favourite book is Howl’s Moving Castle. I’m just fascinated by the world and Sophie’s arc is just fantastic. Is this enough of a sophisticated critique for you, mister snob? What’s your favourite book?

Paddy <3

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Paddy <3?

Of course your favourite colour is the devil’s one. 

Howl’s Moving Castle is a great book, I’m honestly surprised you’ve read it! I don’t have a favourite book, that’d be unfair. My favourite author is Federico García Lorca, though.

Moony

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

MOONBOY

Aww moony that was such a short answer! You didn’t reply to my nickname questionn

And you didn’t comment on calling me cute, you sneaky bastard. Bet that made you blush huh ;) 

Why the surprise on me reading Howl? Do you think I’m illiterate or something? I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if you did tbh. And you read Lorca?? The spanish gay republican poet from de XX century??? (i def didn’t look it up just now). That’s cool. Lorca seems cool. You seem cool.

Now please write an actual answer, I’m beginning to feel a bit left out over here ngl

Always yours,

Padfoot <33333

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Hello, Padfoot.

Maybe if I didn’t answer the question it was because you still believe I’m cool and I have dignity to maintain. So please, help me keep that illusion on. 

And, no, I didn’t blush, you’re going to need something more than a few winky faces to do that, asshole. 

Moony 

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

MOONBOY

PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE

If you tell me about moonboy i’ll tell you about padfoot

Please :((

Paddy 

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

*in a disappointed face*

Okay then.

So, when I was a kid my mum used to tell me stories about space every night. She was an astronomer. She told me about the moon, and the stars, and especially their mythological origin; she was obsessed with Greek and Roman myths. (lol) And because of the myth-space mix, I had a huge crush on Artemis (which is ironic, considering she was, well, an asexual lesbian probably) it was everything: the moon, the wolves, the archery… So, one night, my mum and I argued about some star-nerd shit (I used to read about astronomy a lot so I thought I knew more than her, who had a fucking degree. I was a dick) and I was so angry that during the night I escaped to get to the moon and be with Artemisa and the wolves. I run through the woods chasing the moon for like a whole night (again, not the genius I believed myself to be). In the morning, my mum found me, crying in a pond in the middle of the forest. I had finally realized what I was doing and thought I would never find my home again. I thought I would be alone forever. She was absolutely hysterical, she thought something had happened to me. I told her I wanted to go to the moon. “You want to be an astronaut?” she asked. “No, I wanted to live there with the wolves,” I replied, and because I was a sappy lil bitch, I added, “But now I just want to be with you.” She called moon boy after that, a way to piss me off. I ended up warming to it and we would laugh about it all the time. 

And that’s it. Please don’t make fun of me.

Moony 

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

omg moony

I’M ABSOLUTLY SOBBING THAT IS CUTEST, MOST ADORABLE, FUNNIEST THING I’VE EVER READ. YOU WENT CHASING AFTER THE MOON AND YOU AND YOUR MUM WERE SO CLOSE I COULD NEVER

No, really, never be ashamed of that story again, it’s so pure and so you. 

Padfoot 

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

I reckon you promised an explanation for padfoot, young lad.

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

Nah, not yet. You have to earn it.

Sleep well, Moony <3

PD: no, really, go to bed you dummy it’s 3 am and tomorrow we have class. 

PD2: I actually always assumed you were a student because you found my notebook. Can you confirm you aren’t a creepy 40-year-old teacher taking advantage of an innocent student. Please I don’t think I could recover if you turned out to be Janitor Filch.

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

You little shit. I better get that story at one point. 

I’m actually Professor Dumbledore, surprise! Now send those feet pics bitch uwu

Sleep well. I’ll be watching.

From, Albus ;))

***

[Wednesday, January 26th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

…. 

You absolutely terrify me

good night, moonboy

***

Remus couldn’t exactly pinpoint the exact time his life had started to crumble around him. Maybe it was when the smoke had filled the car, her hand tightly gripping his arm; maybe it was when his father told him between liquor glasses that she wasn’t there any more; maybe it was when the pile of letters filled with inaccessible numbers had grown too tall that they had to let go of her last true home. 

Maybe it was when his supposed fresh start had been an illusion, because he was being stared at by a room filled of English students and the infamous Sirius Black had mocked him with blatant homophobia. 

But the memory that haunted him when the moon reigned in the sky, and he was covered in sweaty sheets was the one where cursed words travelled like gunpowder around his old school, hate burning in his friends’ eyes. 

Remus had attended an all-boys Welsh parochial school, his father’s parents not trusting the quality of the education a public school could bring him. That’s why, although he definitely was not, Remus had been surrounded by posh students his whole life. When he was younger, he failed to understand why all of his play pals always wore shiny new shoes and always owned the last toy everyone was talking about. When he finally grew up, he understood why sometimes he had to ask the kind nun in charge of lunch for an extra slice of bread.

Back then, he considered that he could only trust five people. In the first position, there was his mum, who loved him and understood him more than anyone ever could. Second it was Joseph, who had been best friends with him since Year 7 (they had bonded at drama club, sharing a passion for musical theatre). Third, it was his father, who only wanted the best for him, or at least that was what mum always said. And fourth and five there were the Bartley brothers, Christian and Jonathan; Jonathan had been Joseph’s former best friend, and Chris was two years older than Joseph, with shiny black hair and baby blue eyes.

Joseph, Remus, and Jonathan - Jonathan was always mentioned as the last, he always complained - had been a close group until Year 12, which Remus pinpointed as the “Worst Year Ever”. Year 10, though, was when Remus’ doom had begun, he now realized.  

Joseph and Remus had become friends at drama club, but he had obtained the title of “Joseph’s best friend” some time after, since they both had a lot in common and loved to debate smart stuff, as Jonathan said. Jonathan wasn’t interested in politics, history or literature, so he didn’t participate much in the conversations. Remus knew Jonathan didn’t like him much, but he was just getting used to seeing his mum’s face light up with pride when he mentioned his friends, and he wasn’t going to give up on that.

Remus met Christian, Jonathan’s older brother, when he was fourteen. Christian, - or Chris, as he insisted - was sixteen and was the coolest kid Remus had ever seen. He had silky black shoulder-length hair and a heart-braking smile, which made Remus feel funny. All the girls in the town wanted to kiss him, and Remus secretly did too. But Remus was a boy and Chris was a boy, so that was a thing he shouldn’t be thinking about.

One night, though, the three boys did a sleepover at Jonathan’s house. The J’s had spent the night playing some war video game and Remus was feeling alienated, so, homesick, he went outside, to see the moon. Christian Bartley was there, seated on the front door staircase with a cigarette between his fingers. He invited Remus to sit with him, and the two boys laughed for a while, until Joseph found them, claiming he hadn’t seen Remus for four hours. The next day at school, Chris Bartley smiled at Remus when they crossed paths in the corridors.

When Chris kissed Remus for the first time, hidden under the shadows, he tasted like tobacco. Christian still went out with girls - Remus didn’t expect him to stop, he was a popular guy after all - but it still made him feel ugly. “We are just messing around,” he claimed, “we are not gay, after all,” and Remus simply nodded, because even if he couldn’t have him fully, lazy kisses in the broom closet during lunchtime were better than no kisses at all. 

Remus stopped hanging out with the J’s as often, he could barely look Jonathan in the eye without confessing that he was being snogged by his brother. It was wrong, but it felt so right. Jonathan didn’t seem very sad, though; he slowly was getting the “Joseph’s best friend” title back. Joseph still managed to find time with Remus thanks to school projects and being a very insisting friend. Remus was secretly grateful. 

Year 10 slowly turned into Year 11. Remus was still Joseph’s best friend - to Jonathan’s dismay- , his mother had just gotten a new job that helped them a lot with their debts, and it was Chris’ last year at the school. Maybe that was what Christian had become more insistent, his kisses more passionate, his boundaries foggier. He asked for something Remus couldn’t give him, not yet, and that turned Year 11 into a rollercoaster of breakups and rushed reconciliations. Although they weren’t breakeups, not really, because what they had wasn’t a relationship. “Purely physical, babe,” Chris laughed, biting his lip, and Remus sometimes thought that maybe the kisses weren’t enough any more.

Joseph got a girlfriend, a nice black girl who he met at the cinema, and it was the talk of the whole school. Remus met the girl, Brenda, and he understood why Joseph was enchanted by her. Brenda once caught him with a love bite on his neck, but she just gave him a mischievous smile. Remus didn’t think she would have reacted the same if she knew who gave it to him.

And then it was Year 12, and Chris had stopped answering his texts. He had left for University, and Remus didn’t get to say goodbye. Joseph left the drama club, but Remus stayed; they were doing The Importance of Being Earnest that year, which Remus found ironic. It was the peak of his day. Brenda and Joseph were now exclusive, and Jonathan had started messing around with girls as well, mocking Remus for being such a stuck-up. Only if you knew, Remus used to think, but he would die before telling him about Chris. 

Until the day he almost did die. After spending a month at the hospital, he came back with a set of fresh scars destroying his face and the title of “orphan” being whispered around him. Jonathan couldn’t look him in the eye and Brenda and Joseph had stopped hanging out with them as often, since they had just discovered sex, and, well. Remus, who had been at the peak of happiness a couple of years ago, was feeling lonelier than ever. And his mum, the only person he would have talked about this to, was gone. He didn’t get to tell her about his bisexuality. 

And then it happened: Christian came back to ruin his life. Or rather, destroy it from a distance. Apparently he had met a guy at University, and in a sudden attack of gay pride, he came out to his family. Broken by the hate and the rejection he had received in response, he had done what not even the lowest of cowers would have: he blamed Remus. “He turned me, forcing himself on me as the sick fuck he is.·”

Jonathan blocked him on every social media and refused to talk to him, disgust shining in his eyes, covering his tears. "You've destroyed my family."

Joseph, his two best friends turned apart, decided to remain neutral.

Remus was alone.

Completely alone. 

The words circulated around the school. Remus lost track of all the bruises in his arms. To match the weird scars, they shouted. His drama club friends had stopped talking to him. “He was fruity after all, huh?”

And, well, boys will be boys, right?

Until the day of the school play, when the situation became too much to handle. The school expelled him the next day, and Remus, hopeless, called Tobey, because he couldn’t be alone for one more day. And with a depressed father, the deleted numbers of his former best friends, his arms filled with bruises, his scars in plain sight and the ghost of a dead mother, Remus moved to London, because what else could he do?

He didn't have anyone left there. Jonathan and Joseph were now two strangers in his past.

***

[Thursday, January 27th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

Hi Moony!!!

Tomorrow is the day! I’ll get my notebook back! Hooray :D

On another note, what are your thoughts on murder?

Padfoot

***

[Thursday, January 27th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

If they hurt others because they enjoy it, they deserve to die.

***

[Thursday, January 27th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

Wow wasn’t expecting such a raw answer at all. Who hurt you moony lmao

Anyways, it was because my best friend (actually one of my best friends, I’m forgetting prongs) is a dumb rat who woke me up at 4 a.m. because he had seen a cat and was scared. A cat. In his own house. He doesn’t own a cat. He couldn’t sleep after and neither could I because that’s just bff solidarity i guess.

Now I’m tired and irritable.

And have huge eye bags, which ruin my outfit for today. I need my beauty moony. I’m nothing without my beauty.

paddy

***

[Thursday, January 27th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Hi Pads, 

I’m sorry for your friend. Being afraid of such a common animal must be a nightmare, poor guy. I’m also sorry for you, must be sad to not have a persoanlity and needing to rely solely on physical appearance. 

moony

PD: Do we need to keep greeting and signing the emails? It is getting old.

***

[Thursday, January 27th]

From: [email protected]  

To: [email protected]

Fck u

Also, you make a good point. So, imma propose something and its totally ok if you don’t want to, like no pressure or anything but would you like to, idk, give each others numbers and like, chat. Again, if you don’t feel comfortable I totally understand it.

paddy

***

[Thursday, January 27th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Oh, ok. Seems like a good idea. My number is: ***********

***

[Unknown number]

hi moony! 

it’s me, padfoot

well, yeah, i figured

i don’t let a lot of people call me moony

wait does that mean im special? 

am i special to you, moonykins?

no

ouch

an unriquired love, i see. what shall i do to win ur heart?

You could start by telling me about the origins of padfoot

oh

ok

well, you see, when a two people love each other very much they, well, how old were you again? Doesn’t matter, the thing is that although my parents don’t love each other very much they had sex. 

not you, the nickname

shush moony, now comes the good part

In my mother’s belly i slowly grew until i was too much too handle and she called the doctor and i was extracted from her belly

that’s called labour

and you can stop now

i officially give you the “very funny” title

pop off troll king

ha. ha

i am too beautiful to be called troll

you keep referring to your beauty and i’m not sure what you want me to say

i want you to tell me im handsome

i have no idea what you look like

that doesn’t matter

ok then. you are very pretty 

AW MOONY YOU FLIRT

making me flustered and everything

i’m assuming not a lot of people tell you that, judging by this reaction

shut up ur just jealous

i am indeed

glad we made things clear

you are impossible

but you still love me <3333

i only love two people: taylor and that girl who gave me free chocolate once

TAYLOR? TS? The QUEEN?

if by that you mean taylor swift yes

she’s the only mainstream artist i’ll ever cry to

she makes me feel things uknow

SHUT UP me and my friends are obsessed with her

SHE MAKES ALL OF US FEEL THINGS

she is indeed a talented songwriter

why you no love me

shut up

im literally listening to all too well rn

so casually cruel in the name of being honest

hey padfoot i have to go 

my uncle is home

i’ll leave the notebook at the auditorium as we said

sleep well

good night moonykins :)

Chapter Text

It was Friday again, and Remus had a long day ahead of him: first, attend his classes. Then, he would be locked in a drama class with Sirius Black for a couple of hours. Afterwards, he would leave the notebook for Padfoot to find and run off to accompany his father to the therapist Tobey had booked for him. Only when the sky was already dark, he would return home, and it would finally be the weekend.

The auditorium was already full when he arrived, but they weren’t seated in the chair circle like the last time, they were occupying the theatre seats on the front row, facing the stage. Lily smiled and eagerly tapped the seat she was saving for him, next to hers. It was also next to Black’s, but Remus figured that he could deal with it as long as they didn’t interact at all. Mr Graham did a long introduction before they actually got to present their homework, which consisted of the little act introducing themselves.

After seeing a bunch of pretty bad ones, Remus felt more confident about his own acting skills. Marlene did have a very dramatic aura, which really matched Sirius’, whom she had partnered with. And obviously during the whole set Remus had looked intensely at Marlene, he definitely hadn’t seen Sirius’ comic expressions as Marlene monologued, or hadn’t laughed at his silly little puns. 

They had pretended they were a couple of lawyers fighting for an old woman’s case, who swore she hadn’t killed the neighbour’s dog. Remus marvelled at how they had managed to fill in a full “funny-things-about-me” monologue in a court scene. The lawyers, who didn’t even know what they were doing there, had thought it was sort of a job interview. It maybe didn’t make a lot of sense, but it was hilarious and - and Remus should stop thinking about Sirius’ act. Lily grabbed his hand when they were called up to stage, a way to calm him - both of them - down, and Remus tried to ignore the confused look on Black’s face.  

“Don’t be nervous, we’ll do fantastic,” she assured him - herself.

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m not,” and it was surprisingly true. He had never felt nervous under the spotlights; the tingly feeling in his belly was something else.

She gave him a last smile, breathed in, and, suddenly, next to him, there wasn’t Lily anymore: it was Lola, the popstar, who was very angry with her co-star, Remy.

“You better be kidding, Remy,” she shouted, and pointed an accusatory finger at him, “What do you mean you slept with Susanna?”

“What? I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to, Lola!”

“It’s our manager’s mum, Remy, of fucking course you aren’t allowed to!”

“Will he be angry at us?”

But Lola couldn’t answer, because the intern was telling them it was their time to go to the set. Tonight they had a big interview in national TV, one that would launch their career to the stars. If their manager didn’t find out about Susanna and Remy’s little adventure, that is.

“I can’t help it if she’s such a milf,” Remy complained.

They walked to the two lonely chairs in the middle of the stage, but judging by the way they sat, the chairs could’ve perfectly been two comfortable sofas. Lily - No, Lola - grabbed a microphone from under the chair.

“To describe my real me, you ask?” she said, “Well, dear interviewer, although pop star Lola may seem careless and strong; in reality I’m pretty sensitive, and I like being in control. I own a cat, Doe, and no, I do not experience abysmal sadness due to me being plus size.”

Remy laughed lightly and took the microphone, his smile growing unsure when he heard the cheers from the public; his classmates. When it was only him and Lily on the stage, he could pretend there wasn’t anyone else listening, waiting to humiliate him. Waiting for him to fuck up. Lily grabbed the microphone again quickly, giving Remus some time to recollect himself and shouting into the auditorium: “Also, I think our manager’s mum is a milf and I won’t try to hide the truth any longer!”

Remus laughed, turning into Remy once again, and gasped. “Lola! How could you say such things! We could lose our jobs!”

“That is hypocrite coming from Susanna’s lover!”

“I would never!”

Remy grabbed the mic, and pushed Lola out of the sofa, directed to the interviewer. “I can assure you, Mr Interviewer, that these accusations are wrong. Now, going back to your question; no, I do not put on contacts, these are my actual eyes.”

Lily, riled up by the improv, stood up and seated on Remus, grabbing his face in her hands. “Remy, I must confess something!”, she turned to the pretend camera and whispered to the invisible camera guy, “Make sure to record this.”

“The real reason I was angry about Sussy, is because: I love you. I love your weird mannerisms, and your need to correct everyone’s grammar, and your obsession with Bowie. I love you,” there was a dramatic pause, “despite you being a werewolf.”

Remus nodded, serious, pulled his head back and howled. His voice echoed around the auditorium, mixing with the rising laughs from his classmates. Lily fell to the floor, which only made them laugh more.

“Okay, that’s enough.” Mr Graham interrupted, clapping his hands to get everyone’s attention. “That was, well, something. I can tell that you improvised most parts, which must be appreciated, but didn’t make the play good. At all.”

Remus and Lily tried to hold their laughter with their hands, failing miserably, and ran off the stairs. Once they were seated again, tears in their eyes and failing to breath, they smiled, happy to call each other friends

“That was the best play ever” Sirius whispered next to him. And, for once, Remus just smiled, because he was too happy to waste time being mean to Black. He ignored the growing beat of his heart when Black gave him back the brightest grin he had ever seen, even shinier than the red and green glitter on Remus’ cheeks.

In the drama class there weren't many students: Remus, Lily, Black, Potter, Pettigrew, Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, Alice, Frank and the Prewett brothers, so they finished pretty quickly. Lily told him that during the school play, the tech students usually helped them with the production area. When the introductory acts were done, Mr Graham began to explain the details of the school play, but Remus was only half-way listening. His mind was with Padfoot and the dark notebook full of secrets shoved in his backpack. 

He and Padfoot would be in the same space in two different moments of time. Padfoot would grab the notebook, he would touch it in the same places Remus had. It was so crazy to think about. Padfoot was a creature that lived in his email inbox, not in real life. Not in his school.

When the bell finally rang at 5 o’clock, Remus didn’t leave with Lily, instead he found the way to the dress room. Luckily, the heavy iron door was open; if it had been closed, Remus wouldn’t have been able to open it; he didn’t have the key. The white light barely did any job at illuminating the room, the dirty floor covered with row after row of metallic coat racks, filled with costumes. The white walls were filled with little drawings and notes, the legacy of generations of actors that had known glory on the same stage Remus had stepped on less than 10 minutes ago. 

He wasn’t sure where to leave the notebook, so he ended up leaving it on the small wooden desk at a corner, and texted Padfoot.

[padfoot]

hey

i left the notebook on the desk at the dress room

i’ll leave now 

thank you so much!!

Remus tried to smile, but something in his chest didn’t let him. Would this be the end to his and Padfoot’s friendship? Although he didn’t know who he was, Remus had ended up really enjoying his and Padfoot’s talks. He didn’t want to give up on that. Would their story end up covered in dust like the costumes in the dress room? He kneeled in front of a writing in the wall, leaving his backpack on the floor.

it’s time to shine bitches!

GENERATION OF THE 95’!!

if you read this, you are straight

M+D <3  

Lisa, it’s going to be okay. You’ll do fantastic, don’t be afraid to use your voice. - Harley

He stood up startled, because people who had loved, who had been loved, had been here and for him; who didn’t have any of that, to be in the same place felt wrong. He left the dress room and entered the auditorium. There wasn’t anyone there, and he shushed the selfish voice in him, who had secretly hoped to run into the Padfoot. To know who the other queer person was. But that wouldn’t be respectful to his friend, so he hurried up and exited the auditorium, walking quickly through the empty corridors. 

He already had a foot out the school building when he remembered the forgotten backpack on the floor of the dress room. Shit. Should he go back and risk finding out who Padfoot was, or wait here? He checked his watch. It was 5.40, his father had the therapy session at 8 o’clock. He still had time, but it would take a while to travel with the Tube to Tobey’s flat and then to Kensington. He decided to wait for a bit, but when the clock hit 5.45 he couldn’t stay still any longer, so he went back to the auditorium. Furthermore, he figured Padfoot would have already left by then. 

He crossed the whole school once again, the whole auditorium, and when he finally made it to the dress room, the notebook wasn’t there. “Padfoot has already been here,” the voice, the selfish one, said, with a sad tone. He grabbed his backpack, hidden next to a voluptuous queen costume. He was ready to leave the damn  place when then the lights switched off, and a scream escaped from his mouth, way louder than he had intended. Some light came through the open door, so he hurried to the exit. He didn’t like the dark, it brought back to life too many painful memories.

When he had almost reached for the exit, a heavy body collided into him, knocking him into the floor. The other person fell onto him, with a loud thump. Soft black hair blocked his vision, and Remus pushed them aside, desperate to go outside. To reach for the light. Nothing good happened in the dark, he knew that. He collided once again, but this time, not against something soft and warm. It was cold and hard. It was an iron door. They were locked.

“Hey, are you okay? I heard you screaming.” said the other person, standing up. And, oh. he knew that voice very well. Very damn well. Remus had to ignore the warning alarm in his brain, because those eyes, which were filled with worry, were grey, not baby blue. Sirius wasn’t Christian. But he wasn’t much better. 

“Black,” he spat, poison in his voice.

“Remus?” Sirius asked, quietly, something like fragile hope in his voice, “what are you doing here? Why did you shout?”

“Mr Graham asked me to check on the costumes, to do an inventory,” he lied. “I had to go grab some paper, and when I came back the lights switched off.”

Sirius seemed confused, “Oh okay. I was leaving detention when I heard someone shout. I wanted to help.”

“Well, you didn’t help much, did you?” Remus said coolly, and at Sirius’ growing confusion, he explained, “We are locked.”

***

Sirius Black was happy. He and his brother were friends, family, again. Remus Lupin had smiled at him at drama class. Now, he was retrieving his notebook, and Moony had never felt so real. The dress room hoarded fond memories, most of them written in the covered walls. Sirius had been a theatre lover since he was very young, to his parents’ dismay, so he had spent countless hours waiting in this room for his grand entrance on the stage. 

He caressed the black cover of his notebook, resting on the desk's wooden surface as Moony had promised, and was ready to store it in his bag when he saw a forgotten beige backpack on the floor. He’d recognize it anywhere: it belonged to Remus Lupin. What was it doing here?, he wondered. Why would Remus be in the dress room? The tiny bit of naïveness left in his heart asked itself if it was possible, if Remus could be Moony. It was too much of a coincidence for them to be in the same place around the same time. But the rational part of him, the smart one, cut it out. Despite the multiple fantasies he could have about being Remus' friend, that's all they were: fantasies. 

He was already leaving the auditorium, diary safe in his backpack, when the sound of loud steps reached him. Was it a teacher? He wasn't sure if he was allowed to be there after class, and he didn't fancy more detention, so he hurried to hide between the theatre chair rows. Spying through the little space between the recliners, he saw Remus Lupin enter, unsettled. 

He put the hope voice on a cage and threw it in an endless pit. It was none of his business, and he should get going. Then, the lights switched off, and a panic scream came from the dress room.

Sirius ran.

Now he was locked in a dark room with Remus Lupin, who happened to hate him, and there was nothing he could do about it. He had the first day of school burned on the back of his eyelids, how a stupid mistake from the person who had set the microphones had led to Sirius making a stupid comment that all the school had heard. His classmates had looked taken aback, deeply confused as to why Sirius Black could say such a thing, when he was known to have dated multiple girls over the past. 

Sirius had only just begun to question his sexuality back then, and James was the only one who knew about it, so, doing the only thing that could lead to survival, he dismissed it, and maybe in the panicking state of vulnerability, he had taken it too far. Remus, who had been in front of him, seated in the soft green grass of the football pitch, which matched with his jumper, had turned white, and Sirius wasn’t sure if it was from fear or from anger. His amber eyes, which had captivated him since they had made the first eye contact seemed deeply terrified, hate burning in the core. 

And that’s how Sirius destroyed every chance to be friends with the new kid, who had the softest hair and the cutest freckles ever; who was kind to those who didn’t understand something, even though he always spoke with a wary shield and entered every room with a cautious walk. Sirius had seen him interact with the students who, four months later, still shouted nasty things to him, Remus wasting no time and barking back witty comebacks which left the bullies dumbfounded. 

And now he was locked in a dark room with him, and this might be the last chance he ever got. He remembered Moony’s advice; he was going to make this right.

"Hey, are you okay?" Sirius asked in the dark silence. After the initial exchange of words, Remus had curled up in a corner and refused to talk, which worried Sirius to no end. There was no response, so Sirius tried again.

"I know I'm the last thing you'd want to be stuck with, but I am truly sorry. Although I know there's no excuse, in my defence I'll say that I really could let rumours that I was gay get to my parents," Sirius explained, quietly. He glanced at Remus, and under the dim light coming from under the door, he saw that Remus had turned his head to face him, waiting. 

Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hair, pondering if he should continue. At least he owed Remus an explanation, he figured.

"I don't know if you heard, but I don't have what you would call a "warm and close" relationship with Walburga and Orion," he said, "They are- they are the worst. I hate them," he whispered, "And I think they hate me." 

Remus seemed taken aback for a moment, unsure about what to do. Fantastic, Sirius thought, I'm scaring him off. And what was that confession about? To an almost stranger, when he hadn't even told that to James. 

"I think I know what you mean," a hushed voice replied, "My dad, well, he would never hurt me, but sometimes it seems like he just- doesn't care.

Sirius simply nodded, because in his case his father would hurt him. 

"And if they hate you, then that's their mistake. It's not your fault," Remus said, with a disembodied voice, like his mind was very far away from the dark dress room. 

"But whatever my relationship with my parents is, it doesn't make up for the nasty desperate things I said," Sirius coughed, forcing his voice to sound put together. " You don't have to forgive me, but I wanted to try one last time before I stop bothering you forever."

There was a pause.

"I do forgive you. I think I did a long time ago."

"Oh. That's nice," Sirius managed to respond, but nice didn't accurately translate the euphoric feeling blooming in his chest. 

Remus peered up to find out that Sirius was already staring at him, and they both looked away, their inexplicable brush hidden by the shadows. 

"We should really do something about the "being locked in the dress room situation"," Remus commented. He was a bit embarrassed, the darkness had completely paralysed him for the last ten minutes, and he had done nothing to find a way out. It wasn't like him to act like this, he had to be better than some past trauma.

"Oh, I messaged the group chat," Sirius said, proud, "James will come when he finishes his football practise."

"And when is that?" Remus asked, very aware that he should be at Kensington at 8 o'clock.

"Around half past six," Sirius supplied, "Why? Do you have to be somewhere?

"Hm," Remus replied. He could make it. He had time. "I should do my homework now, though, not sure if I'll be able after." 

"Oi, sure, here," said Sirius, switching off his phone flashlight. 

Remus stared at the ethereal white light that illuminated a portion of the floor, like he was contemplating his whole life.

"I'm the dumbest human ever," he concluded, and grabbed his backpack to pull out his history homework.

"Hey, what are you going to do about Mr Graham's assignment?" said Sirius.

"What," Remus replied.

"About checking the costumes for the school play?"

"Oh! Sure, that," he left his history book on the floor, "I'll tell him I'll do it another time. Can't check them if the power is out."

Sirius nodded, eyeing the focused expression on Remus' face. It made him feel funny.

"History? Bummer," he said, trying to keep the conversation flowing. He wanted to hear Remus' voice again.

"I actually really like history," Remus replied.

"Wait, really?" Sirius said with a mocking smile, shining his teeth. Remus finally looked up, and something in Sirius’ face made him look away. 

"Yeah, I find it fascinating," he coughed to clear his voice," The politics, the changing mentality and different thought currents, the literature, the art…" he paused for a moment, and Sirius nodded, encouraging him to continue. “How everyone makes the same mistakes.”

Remus shrugged, as if ashamed.

“That actually is a good point. Can’t say I’ve ever had the patience to memorize or study the lives of thousands of dead people, but you make it sound fascinating,” Sirius said with a small smile, which Remus returned.

“Well, it’s all about finding what you are passionate about,” he looked down to the notebook on his lap, “what about you?”

“Me?” Sirius let out. Remus Lupin was asking about him.

“Yeah.”

“I like drama,” he said, blushing, “And art, I really like art. But it’s not a useful pursuit, so I was never able to learn it properly.”

“You seem like the actor type,” Remus commented, “With the hair and the right attitude, you could go places.”

“And with my musical abilities I guess Hollywood doesn’t stand a chance,” he joked, and to Remus’ raised eyebrows, although he still had the eyes fixed in the notebook, Sirius added, “I play piano and violin. Very useful pursuits, if I may add.”

“The piano and the violin?” Remus scoffed, “Can you get poshier?”

“Oi! It wasn’t because I wanted to, I’d rather play the drums. Or the bass!” he said, offended. 

“Very punk rock of you,” Remus said with a lopsided smile, and Sirius was reminded of Moony.

“So what about you, Mister I-Like-History-Because-It-Makes-Me-Look-Smart-And-Cool?” he mocked.

“So you think I seem smart and cool?” Remus laughed.

“You try,” Sirius replied. “I can tell you are probably a snob.”

Remus just laughed, “You remind me of someone,” he said. 

Sirius was going to reply, but was interrupted by some light knocks on the door.

“Hey! Is anyone there?” a loud voice asked, “Sirius, I came to get your sorry ass out of here!”

“JAMES! Oh! Thank God!” Sirius shouted, jumping up and running to the door.

“Do you have the keys?” Remus asked.

“Remus? What keys?” James replied.

“The keys to open the door, you idiot!” Sirius shouted, and Remus raised his eyebrows, humoured.

“Fuck.” James’ voice seemed distant, “Be right back!”

Sirius let out a frustrated sigh and bit his lip. “He’s such a himbo,” he explained, and was delighted when Remus laughed wholeheartedly. 

“I figured.”

Sirius thought about Moony, and secretly thanked him. Remus forgave him. He had done it. They could be friends.

“Oi, Remus,” he called him. Lupin directed his amber eyes at him, scars shining under the flashlight, “What would you say to a party this Saturday? After the football game, James is having it in his house, if you would like to come. Of course if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to-”

“I would love to,” Remus smiled, “Can I bring Lily?

Sirius’ grin faded away. “Oh. Sure.”

There was a crack and the iron door opened, revealing a smiling James with a victory stance. 

“I’ve freed you!” he proclaimed, proud smile illuminating the room.

***

[bi bitchesss]

hi remus <3

how did the therapist go?

fine

it was more expensive than i thought

i feel bad

you shouldn’t remus

he needs it

just make sure to cook a nice dinner for your uncle next sunday

thanks lily

you’re right

at least he’s getting help 

and what about black? is it true you were locked with him?

wtf how did you find out about that??

i have my ways

james told you

he did

so you are talking to him? are you friends with him again?

we were never exactly friends. it's hard to explain

but no, he invited me to a party

oh yeah

don’t think i haven’t noticed how you changed the subject

so you on good terms with sirius?

yeah

yeah, i think so

you sure you completely forgive him?

well idk but i wanted to give him one opportunity

someone i know was feeling really bad bc of a similar situation, i guess it made me think

that’s good

living with spite sucks

unless you are a swifty and that spite is directed to john mayer

truer words have not been spoken

SO ARE WE GOING TO A PARTY??

unless we get uninvited yes

ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I WENT PARTYING 

AND IT’LL BE OUR FIRST PARTY TOGETHER 

OH REMUS I’M SO EXCITED

i can tell

BITCH

okay yes i’m excited too

WE’LL DRESS HOT AND EVERYONE WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH US

MY DREAMS ARE BECOMING TRUE

want to impress someone in specific?

shut up mr i wanted to give him an opportunity 

i’ll have to ask my uncle first

we could do a sleepover after

oh remus YES

it’ll be the best saturday EVER

do you want to go the game before?

it’d be kinda rude not to, wouldn’t it?

yes 

ugh okay fine

lets go watch fit sweaty men run in tiny shorts for a couple of hours

i guess i can make the effort

we are so sacrificing, so selfless

everyone should pray to us

***

[padfoot]

mooooonyyy i did it!

i apologized to them and they forgave me :))

kind of

oh thats nice!

im very happy for you

thanks moony

you are the bestest advice giver i’ve ever met

prongs and wormtail lowkey suck

and those are?

my bffs

of course they have weird names

well i'm not going to give you their real name or you’d guess who i am

you literary confessed that you were albus and that you wanted my feet pics

no i didn’t

yes you did

[screenshot]

i have all of our emails screenshotted you can’t gaslight me

wait you have?? why?

idk

?

just in case

in case of what? your email account self destructs? 

idk

maybe you get bored of me and we stop talking

and email erases them

and i have nothing to remember you by

idk

oh padfoot

that’s lovely

but you don’t have to worry about that

i’m not going anywhere

thanks moony

you’re a great friend

same goes to you

despite refusing to tell me about the origin of your name

don’t be impatient, dear moony

petit a petit, l’oiseau fait son nid

oh the google translator is charming

ha. ha. ha.

you think you’re so funny

i do, what can i say

i actually speak french bitch

wait what?

you do?

es-tu impressionné, ma chérie?

that’s actually really cool

i know

***

The auditorium was in utter silence when Remus came out to the stage. All the students from St Edmund All-Boys School shushed each other, demanding silence. Remus, dressed as Hermes, the warm spotlights blinding him, tried to ease himself. The snickering of laughs from the first row didn’t do much to help him stop the echo of his agitated heart rising in his ears. 

That year they had done Hadestown, and to Remus' surprise he had been given the role of Hermes. They had begun to prepare the Spring School Play in autumn, and that way to early planning might be the only reason Remus had been able to perform: by February he could already sing perfectly all the bits he had been assigned. They were doing a shorter version, but he still had most of the stage time. The drama teacher, Madam Pomfrey, was delighted with him and his “natural talent accompanied by an enormous will to work hard”, as she used to say. 

The car accident that killed Hope Lupin and left Remus broken for life had threatened Remus’ tenacity to keep living, but Madam Pomfrey’s warm, sweet words, and endless care had helped him breathe again. And if Remus could now stand at the sound of the reprise from Road To Hell, having just given the performance of his life, was thanks to her. 

His father was broken, his friends hated him, the boy he had almost loved had made his life hell; but he still had one person who cared about him, and for now he would make her proud. As the sweet chords faded away, and he prepared for the audience to clap and Brenda, Joseph’s girlfriend, to come up next to him dressed as Persephone to sing We Raise Our Cups, the lights abruptly switched off. 

The same darkness that had surrounded him two months ago, laid down covered in pain and smoke, came back. His knees couldn’t keep him up any more, and the impact against the floor almost made him dizzy. He curled up in a ball, covering his face, tears siding down to his mouth. No, it couldn’t be. All the work he had accomplished in two months, all the expensive help he had got, all for nothing. A bit of darkness and he completely crumbled. His father had had to sell the car, not that they’d had been able to be in it anyway. He could feel the warm blood on him, covering his face. The pale hand covered by broken glass at his right, frozen in the cold aura of death. And then a light shined, a spotlight keeping the memories away.

But it wasn’t directed at him; the circle of cold light was illuminating the decor behind him. There, written in cruel edges, was a phrase that Remus had heard very often around school for the past weeks: Loony Lupin is a F*GGOT.  The auditorium erupted in mean laughs, some boys were clapping, others were whistling. All the lights switched on and now everyone could see Remus, curled up in the middle of the stage, eyes red and horror tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Mates, that pussy is crying!” someone shouted, and Remus tried to cover his face, tried to cover all of himself, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t stand up, he couldn’t fight back. All he could do was stare at the black words, a handwriting he recognized, the screech of the brakes and the mocking of his life-long classmates rumble in his mind. Some people had started chanting something, but all he could understand was gay and Remus. Everything else was foggy, the lights were shining brighter, the pain was growing, the laughs were louder. 

And Remus couldn’t hold the beast in him any longer, so the anger, the pain, the acceptance that life would always suck came out in blind rage. 

“You think you are so funny, don’t you’” he shouted to the mass of laughing students, “Well I hate you. I hate all the pathetic, homophobic assholes that thought this would be funny. I hate this fucking school! Guess what?” he started cracking, a maniac sound that caused everyone to stop, “I don’t even believe fucking God exists, because if he did, he would send all of you straight to hell right now. He’d punish you for being fucking cowards!”

When he stopped his deliriant rant to breath, he saw a familiar face in the audience. 

“Well, look who is here! Bloody Joseph!” he cried, “My best friend! I bet you are having the time of your life, huh?” Joseph didn’t seem happy, but all Remus could see was hate, “And Jonathan! Guess what, Johnny! I didn’t make your brother gay, he just liked sucking dick more than beeing in a happy family with you! Not only was Joseph who preferred me, after all!”

But then the rage was fading out, the poison in his words had made him feel good for a moment, but now all he could feel was an endless void. Not anger, not pain. Nothing. Remus let out a last lunatic crackle.

Then, the curtains closed, and he felt arms around him, holding him tight. He could only see darkness

“I’m so sorry, Remus,” a warm voice murmured, caressing his hair, “I’m going to make sure everything works out fine.”

And she did, because somehow a guardian angel had been assigned to Remus in the form of a drama teacher. The next day, after receiving the notification about his expulsion, Madam Pomfrey contacted Tobey and a teacher she knew at a London posh school. Not even some months later, Remus moved to London, ready to fight the darkness. 

***

[Paddy and Prongsy]

is everything ready?

yep, gideon just bought the drinks

now all we have to do is win the game and get drunk

nicee

did lily confirm to you that they were coming?

yes!

you’ll see your beloved again tonight 

he’s not my beloved

and you better behave, he just forgave me

if you make him uncomfortable i’ll

you’ll what?

you don’t want to find out

wow so scary

but don’t worry pads, i don’t want to angry him either

poor guy

poor guy what?

well what you said 1rst day was rough but i dont think its the only reason he has held a grudge for 4 months

wait really?

well its only speculation but yes i think he’s had bad experiences

oh

it makes sense

do you think he’d be mad if i hug him?

i really need to hug him

omg paddy you are so whipped

wait im gonna tell wormy

what

[MARAUDERS RULE]

wormtail our lil paddy is in love

no shit

no im not

like ok i wont deny i find remus very attractive

but that’s all

HAHAHAHAHHA

no yeah you love him

no really james have you seen sirius stare at remus during drama classes?

it’s absolutely hilarious its my new hobby

like the heart eyes they are too much

i dont do that

yes you do even i have noticed

the other day lily kept staring at you to see if you reacted but you just didn’t

it was very funny

speaking about lily

do you think she and remus…?

are dating? nah

prongs?

i'm not sure

can't say it hasn't crossed my mind

if they are, well, im happy for them

they deserve to be happy

yeah they do

i bet you both are holding back your tears rn

SHUT UP

lies.

I mean they ARE going to the party together

and so are we but i’d rather eat a bag of snails than snog you

yeah but they aren't lifelong friends or anything

and they are both hot young people

yeah i wouldn’t blame lily for wanting to kiss remus

that you dream about kissing remus doesn’t mean lily has to

everyone dreams about kissing remus wormy dont lie

i mean he does have stunning eyes

and those freckles

the dimples.

He’s also pretty tall

and very smart

and an amazing actor, THAT voice

omg yess

hey wasn’t supposed to be me who had a crush on remus?

not you gatekeeping remus

god the audacity

okay boys i have to go

we have to be at the field a bit earlier

wish me luck

we’ll come soon

good luck!

have fun

***

The stars danced in the sky, led by the full moon, when the players from the Hogwarts team came out to the field. But Sirius wasn’t looking at James, who was high fiving his teammates with a hopeful smile; or at Peter, who was asking if he wanted to share the popcorn with an unsure grin, more from social  etiquette than actual desire. Sirius had his gaze focused on Remus Lupin, tall clingy limbs and fluffy har, who was seated two rows in front of them. He was wearing a red sweater, Sirius’ favourite colour, and was laughing at something Lily had said. An ugly feeling grew in his stomach when he noticed how close they were seated. 

The whistle that warned the beginning of the game was blown, and for a second Remus looked back, as if he was searching for someone in the public. Sirius’ grey eyes met warm amber ones, and a small smile appeared on Remus’ pink lips, matching the blush from Sirius’ cheeks. The ugly feeling molt away, replaced by lovesick butterflies. Sirius couldn’t wait for the party to begin, to find a smooth way to slyther next to Remus and talk with him for the whole night, the match long forgotten. 

***

[moony]

mooonyyy WE WON

you were at the game?

well duh it’s the only way i’ll ever show some school pride

also my mate plays with the team

so you’re a supportive friend

that’s nice

were you also at the game?

yes, i went with a friend

what was your favourite part?

probably when black shouted so loud after a goal that everyone stopped in their tracks thinking he had been injured or something

hahaha

yeah sirius is really funny isn’t he?

i guess so

he has some brilliant moments, not very often tho

but overall he is a nice lad, very energetic

and very handsome wouldn’t you agree?

do you have a crush on him or something?

ew no

I’m very confused about this whole conversation

anyway i have to go, someone is coming and i have to go somewhere 

have a good night!

yes, i have to go too, i’m going to meet a friend

talk to you later?

of course

<3

Chapter Text

The music was blasting through fancy speakers, a sea of drunk warm bodies taking control of the large first floor. Every corner was taken, couples were making out on the old salmon sofa covered with embroidered cushions. How James’ parents had allowed a wild high school party to take place in their home was a mystery to Remus, especially with the expensive furniture around the house. 

Remus and Lily were in a corner, drinks in hand, observing the show. They were wearing matching dark green nail polish, which was what Sirius had first noticed when they had met at the match, judging by his confused expression. Luckily for him, he hadn’t made a comment, just looked away.

Remus wasn’t completely comfortable around large crowds, something that Lily had picked up quickly, leading them to a quiet corner next to the drinks table. However, Remus could see how she eyed the dancing floor, longing shining in her green orbs. 

“You can go, if you want,” he smiled, “don’t worry about me.”

“Are you sure?,” she asked, trying to veil her hopeful glance, “you don’t have any other friend.”

Remus pretended to be hurt, but nodded, encouraging her to go flash some incredible dance moves in her flowy green dress. Lily hugged him tightly, promised to be back soon, and walked grateful to the middle of the living room, next to where James Potter, accompanied by Sirius Black, was dancing. He stopped for a moment, smiling when he saw how Lily was moving to the beat, like she was born to dance, and seemed to forget about his surroundings. He was woken up by a laughing Sirius, and James, sadness taking up his deep brown eyes, gestured to the drinks tables and moved away quickly. When he was far enough from Lily, he let out a hopeless sight. Noticing Remus, he recomposed himself, a too tight smile plastered on his face.

“Remus!” he greeted, “Are you having fun?”

“Sure,” the other replied, ignoring the way James hugged himself protectively, “Can’t say I’m much of a dancer, though.”

James laughed, a bit more honestly now. “Neither am I,” he admitted, “but at least I got the spirit. Sirius, on the other hand… Seems to have a natural talent. It’s not a surprise you can’t take your eyes off him.”

“What?” Remus choked with his drink, his face becoming red. He had thought he had been more subtle. “I’ve been more of an objective observer, watching all the dancers equally.”

His squeaky voice didn’t do wonders to prove him right. James just laughed it off.

“Just kidding,” he said, a mischevious shine in his eyes, “I mean, Sirius does look very hot tonight. Mary finally convinced him to wear eyeliner. Have you noticed?”

Of course, he had noticed.

“Oh, no, I guess I’ll have to pay more attention next time we talk.”

“You want to talk to him?”

“Eh, what? I mean not want want but if we happen to be in the same conversation, I guess-”

“Nice!” James interrupted him, leaving. “I’m going to tell him! Remember to look closely at the eyeliner, it matches his stunning grey eyes!”

Remus hadn’t had time to ask him if he was okay. 

***

Sirius was giving the best of him to the playlist Peter had selected, knowing he was attracting appreciative glances from the whole room. The appreciative glance he was dancing for, though, was busy talking to bloody James and had just missed an incredibly swift movement. Damn, he would have to repeat it. 

Suddenly, James was next to him, all energy and bright eyes. Something was wrong.

“Mate, are you alright?” he asked, stopping.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he dismissed, “But you, mister, have a date to attend to.”

“What?” Sirius asked, his eyes betraying him and looking over Remus. Remus was staring at them. 

“Remus wants to-” James began, Sirius’ heart skipped a beat, “-talk to you.”

“Talk to me?”

“Yep.”

“So not like in a date way?”

“Um, not yet I think.”

“Why did you phrase it like that?”

“Just preparing for when I have to say it in the future,” he laughed, “now, go!"

James pushed him in Remus’ direction, ignoring Sirius’ last attempt to ask if he was really okay, and disappeared into the crowd. Do you know when in some films there is that scene where the two main characters stare at each other from the ends of a room full of people, only noticing each other? Well, to Sirius only Remus existed as he walked up to him; his red jumper, his fluffy curls, his light freckles. And the best part was that Remus was staring back. 

A small smile grew in Sirius’ lips, and Remus seemed puzzled for a moment. And when Remus, finally, was going to return the smile-

“Careful, Black!” a shout, screams, and a painful sensation on the side of his head. Sirius’ cranium hurt as he saw the bouncing football roll to Remus’ feet. 

“Bloody hell,” a warm voice muttered, as strong hands grabbed his face. “Are you alright, Black?”

Sirius tried not to gulp, because Remus’ face was really close, and he could see the way his brown eyelashes curled up above amber eyes, spotted with green. The pain in his head was long forgotten.

He managed to let out an intelligible sound that made Remus’ eyebrow curl in worry. He looked at someone behind him. “Hey Peter, do you know anywhere quiet? I think he might have a concussion.”

Peter seemed to think about it for a moment. “Yeah, at the greenhouse, they also have ice there.” He gave Remus some confusing directions and promised to go find help.

“Can you walk?” Remus asked. Sirius wanted to clear up that what was keeping him paralysed wasn’t a dumb football, it was Remus, but Remus was already carrying him in his arms, so he stayed quiet. He put his head on Remus’ shoulder, smiling at how the jumper turned out to be as soft as he had been wondering all night. The curious looks that had been directed at the pair returned to their business, worried glances fading into sceptical frowns. However, a boy next to the stairs who hadn’t been invited snickered at the found opportunity.

“Well, isn’t this convenient,” Severus muttered, revenge gleaming in his black eyes.

Lily, from the other side of the room, made a gesture to follow Remus, but a hand filled with silver rings stopped her.

“He’s perfectly fine,” Dorcas assured her, “he’s just a moron.”

Marlene laughed, moving her short blonde hair out of her beautiful face. “Also, he’s survived way worse hits than that, I bet he’s just dumbfounded by Remus’ beauty.”

Peter came up to them, and at the raised eyebrows the girls directed at him, he just rolled his eyes. “After all, Remus isn’t as smart as I thought,” he sighed, “Sirius owes me one, setting him an alone time date in the greenhouse and everything.”

“So they don’t need our help?” Lily asked, and Marlene and Dorcas shared a mocking smile.

“Please, of course they do,” Mary laughed, “Sirius has been simping for Remus since day one.”

“But then why did he-” Lily went to ask, frowning, but was interrupted by James, who was suddenly next to her. She tried to ignore the rising beat of her heart. It wasn’t fair for it to react that way, not after so much time had passed. She wanted to punch him.

“Because he was scared, and panicking, and needed time. Now, he has been able to process everything and is much more aware of himself and his actions,” James explained.

“I figured,” Lily muttered, unconvinced. There was a silence, the Marauders shared an awkward glance, waiting for Lily to continue. By her annoyed expression, it wouldn’t be pretty.

“If he hurts Remus,” she declared, crossing her arms, challenging her former friend group, “Even if he doesn’t want to, I’ll make your life hell. Remus doesn’t need an insecure, scared child playing with him.” 

They looked taken aback for a moment, surprised by the raw threat in her tone. The same protective stance she would’ve taken for them less than a year ago. Now they had been replaced.

“Same goes to Remus,” Marlene finally spat, frustration rising in her voice.

Lily nodded, proud, and moved to get away from them.

“Wait, Lily,” Mary pleaded, “What if you join us? You don’t have to dance on your own.”

“I don’t want your pity any more, Mary,” she sighed, “look, I don’t know what will happen with Remus and Sirius -they might not even want to be together- but for Remus’ sake I’ll be polite to you. That doesn’t mean that I also want to go back to playing besties. You made your decision long ago, you chose sides when there wasn’t any; now please just-"

She seemed lost for words, green eyes refusing to address anyone. 

"I'm sorry Lily," James whispered, "I promise nothing bad will happen to Remus, I'll make sure of it. 

Lily just nodded, and there was something more than just anger and resentment in the long glance she and James shared. Finally, she made a final bye gesture and left, leaving a sad mood behind. James smiled miserably at the girls. 

"I appreciate what you did, I truly do,” he said,  “But I told you back then, and I'll tell you now: don't lose an amazing caring friend because of a misunderstanding."

Marlene nodded, blinking fast, and Dorcas threw a protective arm around her. Mary just smiled, sadly.

“I think it’s too late, Potter.”

***

The greenhouse was one of the prettiest places Remus had ever seen. The crystal ceiling allowed the plants to grow under the stars, bloom covered by the moonlight. Remus observed the full moon, but he didn't feel the excruciating pain that it used to recall. Now it just filled him with nostalgia, the ghost of past love. He tried to set aside the fond memories and focus on Sirius, curled in his arms.

It was a mystery how he had been able to find the large greenhouse, full of colourful exotic plants and deep leaves. The flowers, some of them local, some he had never seen before, gave the room a perfumed shade. The building itself was long and with clean bright glass, letting powerful rays of light get to the plants. Under the watch of the moon, the leaves were illuminated with an espectral blue. Remus saw an old sofa on one side of the greenhouse, which shocked completely with the decoration of the rest of the house. It was patched up with memories and years, the red lint making it the coziest option in the glasshouse. 

“I’m going to let you on the couch,” he informed Sirius, who jumped and removed his head from Remus’ shoulders, red tintering his reds, like he had been doing something wrong. Remus squared himself. No, it wouldn’t happen again. He didn’t fancy Sirius, it would be utterly foolish and masochist of him. He would not fall for Sirius. He would not fall for an unattainable guy again. It hurt too much.

“Yeah, thanks,” Sirius mumbled, taking half of the small red couch, hugging himself as he was trying to maintain the warmth he had received.

There was a silence between them. Remus stood awkwardly in front of him, towering over the sofa, Sirius avoiding eye contact.

“So, do you feel better?” Remus asked, finally, seating next to him but maintaining distance.

“Yes, it was just a hit,” Sirius admitted, “Although thanks for getting me out of there. I couldn’t handle everyone buzzing over me pretending to be worried, just wanting to find out about some gossip.”

“Hm, it must suck to be so popular,” Remus reflected, dead serious, and Sirius wasn’t sure if he should laugh or not.

“I guess?” he tried, and by Remus chuckle he figured he was being mocked. Offended, he jumped, “Hey! It’s not my fault, my best friend is the captain of the football team! He’s nature is to be loved!”

“Oh, is that right, Mr-Star-Of-The-Drama-Club?” Remus replied, raising his eyebrows.

“I’m a bitch for attention, yes, so what? It’s not breaking news,” he complained, “Also, you are no better. Always glancing mysteriously out of the window, brooding.”

“I don’t brood!”

“Yes, you do!” Sirius laughed, his grey eyes glistening, “Walking around, all tormented. A dark past, a passion for history… What are you hiding, Lupin?”

Remus showed him the middle finger, suppressing an amused smile. 

“What I said: dramatic,” he said, “And I doubt your popularity is solely due to James' high hierarchy in the football team.”

“What is your hypothesis, Mr Lupin?” Sirius asked, scoffing.

“You really like my surname, don’t you?” Remus said, ignoring how cute Sirius’ looked while sticking his tongue out, “And I think you have that sort of charisma, you know, it attracts people. Peter is also a major factor, he gives off dependable vibes; but there is something else. You - the Marauders - are a pretty closed group, and although you are friends with other people, you mostly keep to yourselves; you aren’t known because you socialize with the other popular people. So, there is only one option: you were already popular when you entered high school, and you maintained your position thanks to the previously said factors. My question is: Why were you already popular?”

Sirius was speechless, and Remus feared to have scared him; his rant had been a bit creepy. 

“God, you are good!” he finally said, laughing sterically. “And yes, my cousins were also well-known so that helped me stick in. But I don’t like to associate myself with them. Let's just say they are pretty shitty people. They are also huge snitches, they tell everything I do to my parents.”

“Oh, they suck.”

“They do! They suck a lot!” Sirius let out a frustrated sigh, “Sometimes I wish I had James’ luck. His mum, Euphemia, is everything a mother should be.”

Sirius eyed Remus warily, as if he wasn’t sure if this was okay. Remus smiled, hesitant, but willing to let Sirius know that there wasn’t judgement from his part. It was weird, after four months of despising him, to talk about that level of personal baggage. It didn't feel wrong, though, Remus wanted Sirius to tell him more. To tell him everything. He just hoped he would be whatever Sirius needed.

“I’m sorry you don’t have the family you deserve,” he said, sincerely.

“Me too.” Sirius smiled weakly. “At least I have the Potters. And Peter. And Marlene. I don’t know how far I’d have made it without James’ support.”

“Maybe- maybe you should try to leave,” Remus said, not daring to cross the line. Where was that line exactly, he didn’t know. It had gone from being an impenetrable wall to an undrawn concept.

“It’s not that easy,” Sirius replied, a hint of hopelessness tinting his tone, “I can’t leave Reg alone. Especially not now, that we are on good terms again.”

Remus wasn’t good at this, at comforting. It used to be his mother’s especially, and he now regretted not having asked her to teach him her ways. His dad was in no form to teach him, needless to say, he had inherited his father’s lack of emotional communication. So, in the absence of a better way to show Sirius his sympathy, he carefully grabbed his hand and squeezed it. It was what Hope used to do, but she usually smiled at him while looking him in the eye. Remus, because he was a coward and didn’t want Sirius to get any wrong ideas, avoided eye contact at all costs. It was because of that, that he missed the gaze of utter adoration Sirius gave him, as he squeezed back. 

The comfort of the silence spread out around them, the fuzz of the automatic watering in the background, accompanied by the chill atmosphere of the night. Sirius observed Remus’ hands, wondering if the moment had passed, and they should let go. Neither of them did. Remus’ deep green nail polish had made Sirius feel all bothered at the football pitch, and now it seemed to have the same effect. He wanted to caress it, to kiss Remus’ long fingers one by one; to be touched by them. Of course that would be weird and by Remus’ stiff posture there was a huge #nohomo barrier between them, which was entirely Sirius’ fault. Now he had to deal with it and keep his nail polish kink to himself. 

“Do you want me to show you something?” he asked, letting go, because it was less hurtful.

“What?” Remus asked, trying to sound less affected by the hand holding. Key word: trying.

“Well, you might have noticed that we’re in a greenhouse,” Sirius said, sitting straight, smiling in excitement. 

“Yes, I think I have,” Remus wasn’t sure where this was going.

“It mostly belongs to Euphemia, she’s the one that takes care of the plants like they are her babies. I guess she just likes to protect every stray she encounters,” he smiled fondly, “Most of the species, though, are flowers or bushes native to India, her homeland. I guess it’s a way to remind herself of her land while she lives here and can’t visit her family over there. Fleamont, James’ dad, also loves to come read in here, or spend the afternoon keeping her company while she works on the garden.”

The sweet smile in Sirius’ lips made Remus’ heart melt, wishing to meet the people that made Sirius look so hopeful and loved. 

“The thing is,” he continued, “Some time ago, when the Potters found out about my, er,” he hesitated, but something in Remus’ face convinced him to continue,” -about my home life, they offered me to come live with them. I refused - I couldn’t abandon Reg."

He got up and walked to the stone path that surrounded the greenhouse. A bright smile grew on his face, as he walked into the deep, and gestured Remus to follow him. Remus did, because what else could he do, suppressing the smile on his lips. The way Sirius moved around the greenhouse was a lot more free, a lot more assured, than Remus had ever seen in him. It was way different from the Sirius he had encountered the day they met, like he finally saw the real person and not just a projected shadow. He was more vibrant, more alive. More like at home. It was obvious that Sirius loved the place as much as he claimed Euphemia and Fleamont did.

Remus could remember a time when he could picture a place to call home, he remembered that feeling of belonging, and he was sure that's how Sirius felt in here. He used to think of that small cottage in the beginning of the woods, near the beach, as a place to come back to. The scent of fresh grass and warm bread that you could smell in every room, the way the spotted curtains moved to the calm breeze. His mom and he could hear his father's truck coming back from work in the afternoon, as they shared a cup of tea on the kitchen counter. Hope Lupin's laugh as he told her about his day, the last dumb thing he and his friends had done. Friends, what a weird concept. 

Now Sirius was leading him to a small clear pond in the middle of the interior garden - jungle, more like it, judging by the amount of plants in there, growing wildly - stopping by the edge. He turned to Remus, dark flowy hair shining under the moonlight, and gestured to the flowers of Indian lotus spread on the crystalline water. 

"Aren't they beautiful?" He smiled, and Remus couldn't help but to think there were way more beautiful things in there. He simply nodded in agreement.

"One time, - around two years ago - after I had a pretty bad fight with Orion and Walburga," Sirius said, "I called James, erm, crying. It wasn't pretty. Fleamont came to pick me up, and when he drove me home - to James' house - Ephie asked me to follow her. She led me here and gave me a handful of makhana, Lotus seeds. She told me I was like them, even though I had grown away from the direct sunlight, the water - my parents - drowning me, I still managed to get to the surface. I still managed to bloom in a beautiful flower," he flushed, his eyes flickering to Remus for a second, only to return to the Lotus once again, "It took a month for them to grow, but they didn't bloom until this year. The warmth of the greenhouse has helped them maintain the flowers.

“That's- that’s so sweet,” he said, marvelled by the strength of the boy standing next to him. He had been getting glimpses of Sirius’ home life for a couple of weeks now, but it didn’t keep him from being horrified every single time. And the fact he had people who loved him was a relief. He could picture Sirius nurturing the young plants, focused on his beloved lotus. 

"So, you actually took care of them?" Remus raised an eyebrow, pretending, but nothing in Sirius' proud demeanour hinted to the contrary. 

"Of course I did!" He sounded almost offended, "I mean, Ephie helped, but look how gorgeous they are!"

"Like father like flowers," Remus joked, and he wasn't sure why he had said it, but suddenly Sirius refused to look him in the eye. The music from the party wasn't as loud any more, just barely a far buzz. He wanted to get rid of the dense silence between them, so he opted for the safe choice: ignore his last comment. 

"How's your head?" He asked, hiding his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Oh,” Sirius said, “Hm, yeah, better. I almost forgot, it was just a light hit. I’ve survived worse.”

“I’m glad,” Remus answered, and for god’s sake, why was he being so awkward. “So, … want to go back to the party?”

“Sure!” Sirius replied, with a tight smile, grey eyes unclear. Grey, not baby blue. Now that they were close, he could appreciate the eyeliner. 

Remus followed him out of there, letting Sirius lead because that house was a fucking maze. He wondered if it had been his imagination or Sirius had been reluctant to leave the quiet greenhouse, where they had been completely alone. Probably he was tired of the crowds, although he had always seemed a very outgoing person. The marauders were nice, approachable, loved by everyone due to their fun antics and dumb pranks. He had heard rumours that Sirius had been quite a player last year, but when he asked Lily, she just laughed and said that Sirius simply liked being with people and going on dates for the sole purpose of spending time with humans. “He wasn’t interested in a relationship, I doubt they even kissed,” she had said, “But that’s how Sirius is; pretty, accessible, carefree.”

Now Remus wondered what adjectives would they use to describe him; he wasn’t pretty, he wasn’t accessible, and he definitely wasn’t carefree. He was the opposite of Sirius, so why would he want to hang out with Remus was an unsolvable mystery. Although he hadn’t exactly gone to hang out with him, Remus had mostly kidnapped Sirius out of the party like some fucking creep. He usually didn’t care what others thought, but he didn’t want to ruin Sirius’ reputation, he didn’t deserve it. 

And despite his best intentions, he couldn’t help but think of the person that had ruined his’, who had shared Sirius’ vitality, Sirius’ popularity. Christian and Sirius looked insanely alike, same out of this world beauty, same flowy black hair. Christian had ended up breaking him, and he wouldn't have Sirius do the same, since history had almost repeated itself. He had fallen in love with a black-haired nightmare before, so the best he could do was keep the other one at arm length. No more alone time in the greenhouse, no more one-sided light flirting, no more intimate confessions. It was decided; Sirius wouldn’t have the opportunity to destroy him, Remus would make sure of it. He would fight for his brand-new opportunity with bared teeth, for his father and for himself. Sirius had almost ruined it once, he wouldn’t give him the chance to do it again.

As they re-entered the main room of the party, the ambient had calmed down and there were fewer people in there. Remus took his phone out, but there weren’t any messages from Padfoot. He’d text him later, he needed to vent to someone. There were very few people in the room, most of them had left to continue the party somewhere else. Now, standing in the living room there were only the Marauders, the girls, some people from drama class and...

A swift red form came crushing to him and hugged him, smiling. Lily looked at him with a mix of angry, amused and knowing glance, suppressing a light laugh when Sirius walked up next to him, way closer, like they were maintaining some kind of territorial battle. It wasn’t possible, was it? Could Sirius like Lily? Did he see Remus as an obstacle?

“Where have you been, loca?” Lily ignored Sirius and took Remus’ hand, pulling him to the salmon couch on one side of the room. 

“Just needed some fresh air, this is very crowded,” he replied. Sirius was standing at the entrance, like he was debating whether to follow them or go find his friends. Remus wanted to invite him to sit with them, but remembered; arm length distance. Especially if he happened to have a crush on Lily and was just using Remus to get close to her. 

“Took some company, though, didn’t you?” Lily said, teasing.

“What?” He played dumb.

“You went with Sirius, and took your time to come back. What were you doing?” Lily interrogated. Why did all of this need for answers come from? Did Lily also have a crush on Sirius? Was she jealous?

Remus shrugged, unsure. He considered himself an observant person, his instincts used to be right. He really didn’t want to be in the middle of some messy love triangle, which was what this seemed to be. It didn’t sit well with him.

“We just talked a bit, nothing more,” he said.

“Huh, sure…” she smiled, mocking. 

“Yes! I swear!” He almost shouted, and Lily simply laughed. Lily was a good friend, she would never put her own feelings before Remus’, so if she suspected that Remus liked Sirius she would never act on them. But Remus was also a good friend.

“There is nothing between us, Lily,” he assured her, dead serious (lmao).

“Oh, okay,” it was obvious she didn’t believe him, but let it go for now. 

To understand this scene better, we have to keep in mind that neither Remus nor Sirius are as brilliant when it comes to reading people as they think they are. While Sirius is on one side of the living room, next to James, both of them convinced that Remus and Lily are a couple, Remus is seated on the couch next to Lily, completely sure she and Sirius like each other. Lily, on the other hand, probably knows how both of them feel and would murder them is she found out about their nonsensical assumptions. Lily is the true victim of this, surrounded by so much stupidity.

The catastrophical train of thought of the boys was interrupted when a red-cheeked Wormtail with a wobbly grin entered the room, an acoustic guitar in hand. 

“Guys! I have one!” he shouted, everyone’s attention on him.

“We don’t own an acoustic guitar,” James said, deeply confused as to where Peter had found that.

“Let’s play something!” Mary screamed, excited, and analysed the room,“ Does anyone here know how to play the guitar?” she asked.

Remus became very self-conscious then, because he did, in fact, know how to play the guitar. His father and he didn’t have much to bond over, but both of them loved music. Some of the first memories Remus had of Lyall were lazy mornings seated on the beach, his tiny fingers reaching to get to the strings, his father patiently teaching him some chords to his favourite songs. Lily, in fact, knew of this information. 

No one said anything, maybe due to shyness, like Remus’ case, or maybe because no one in there had a bit of musical talent. Thank god, he thought, let’s just return that guitar to where it came from. 

“Remus can play!” Lily said, interrupting the excited silence, because of course she had. She winked at him, and Remus cursed the day he decided to befriend that red-haired demon.

“Really? That’s awesome!” James said, coming to sit on the floor, the front in front of him. Sirius followed his friend without saying anything, looking at Remus with a stare he decided not to dissect right now, grey eyes filled with expectation. 

“Do you want to play something, Remus?” Peter said.

“If you don’t, that’s cool,” James added, giving Sirius an amused glance. 

“Er, I,” Remus muttered, in need of words, “I haven’t played in a while.”

“Oh, it’s cool,” Dorcas said with a reassuring smile, “It’s just the drama crew in here anyway, we have already seen you act.”

Peter passed the guitar to Remus, and he caressed it’s side, remembering when was the last time he had played one. Joseph played the piano, so when they were young and delusional, they dreamed of starting a band. Joseph, Jonathan and him would hang out every afternoon for months to plan their big debut in the music industry. They couldn’t even come up with a name, and they eventually got bored.

The Marauders, the girls, Alice, Frank, the Prewett brothers and their sister, and a couple of more people went to sit in front of Remus, creating a small crowd in front of the couch. Lily stayed next to him, slightly guilty to have pulled him to that mess, but it was quickly replaced with mischief when she saw how eager Sirius was to hear him play.

“So, do you want to hear anything in particular?” Remus asked, playing a couple chords to get used to the strings. His calluses had faded long ago, but he figured he could manage to survive an easy song. His tipsy state had also faded long ago, so he grabbed a bear and gulped down half of it. Ah, liquid courage.

“Whatever song you see fit,” James said, giving him a thumbs up. Lily smiled fondly.

“Oh, okay then,” Remus thought about it for a while, “Do you know State of Grace?”

“Taylor Swift?” Sirius said, awestruck,

“Yeah, I know the chords to the acoustic version. It might sound good on this,” he managed to put on a nervous smile, “Erm, it’s been a while since I played, so…"

He breathed in, leaving the sentence unfinished. His fingers moved on their own, relying on muscle memory, and the chords of the acoustic version of State of Grace echoed in the quiet room.

I'm walking fast through the traffic lights

Busy streets and busy lives

And all we know is touch and go

Remus hadn’t decided that he was going to sing, but it felt wrong not to, so he accompanied the notes on the rusty guitar with his rough voice, beautiful in a twisted way.

We are alone with our changing minds

We fall in love 'til it hurts or bleeds, or fades in time

He prepared to sing more airy this time, having listened to this song thousands of times. All  the notes were on point, and soon he got lost in the music.

And I never saw you coming

And I'll never be the same

You come around and the armor falls

Pierce the room like a cannonball

Now all we know is don't let go

We are alone, just you and me

Up in your room and our slates are clean

Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes

He tried not to think about the beautiful boy in front of him, whose eyes contained a storm, but it was hard, because these lyrics screamed Sirius Black. Arm length distance, he repeated himself.

So you were never a saint

And I've loved in shades of wrong

We learn to live with the pain

Mosaic broken hearts

But this love is brave and wild

A clear, and bit out of tune but beautiful nonetheless, voice joined him in the next verse. He didn’t look up, but Remus knew who was singing with him. If it wasn’t for the warmth of Lily next to him, he would have thought Sirius and him were alone in the room.

And I never (never) saw you coming

And I'll never (never) be the same

This is a state of grace

This is the worthwhile fight

Love is a ruthless game

Unless you play it good and right

These are the hands of fate

You're my Achilles heel

This is the golden age of something good

And right and real

Another voice joined them, and James was singing the refrain, Peter belting the echoes. Soon, the whole room was singing in a tuneless harmony, and Remus couldn’t help the smile that crept in his face. His heart was racing any more, he was feeling comfortable. Happy.

And I never (never) saw you coming

And I'll never be the same

And I never (never) saw you coming

And I'll never

(So you were never a saint

And I've loved in shades of wrong)

Be the same

(We learn to live with the pain

Mosaic broken hearts

But this love is brave and wild)

This is a state of grace

This is the worthwhile fight

Love is a ruthless game

Unless you play it good and right

His fingers grew still on the strings, and he looked up to find everyone laughing and joking, excited by their musical talent. Remus had to admit that it had sounded way better than he had expected.  Two stormy eyes were fixed on him, though, and Remus smiled back at Sirius, whose cheeks were tinted with a light shadow of pink, probably from the alcohol. 

"That was so good!" Lily smiled next to him, "We have to play songs more often."

Remus nodded, and Mary was already asking for another one, soon the room was chanting. And Remus obliged, reluctant, secretly proud, and the night grew darker as they messed around with music and booze. James and Lily sang a duet, to James' infinite astonishment, and the songs turned into mindless strumming as the energy faded off. Remus could feel Sirius' eyes on him more and more often as he kept playing, but refused to look back. Arm length distance, he repeated, but it was becoming harder to keep because he felt warm, and happy, and Sirius could have easily been a magical faerie under the lamp's dim light, luring him into his dark magical kingdom with promises of love. But it wasn't love, it was just an optical illusion, because Sirius maybe fancied Lily and Remus had given up on that sneaky temptation called love long ago.

He could feel his fingers becoming heavy, keeping with the party was more tiresome by the minute. Lily had her head on his shoulder, already in the dream realm, and Frank and Alice had left a while ago. The Prewett brothers and Peter had also disappeared, shouting something about candy, and just Lily, him, James and Sirius had been there for the last twenty minutes, passing each other an almost empty glass bottle with a burning liquid inside. No clue about Marlene and Dorcas' location, though the light laughs filled with burning longing coming from the garden were a sure guess. Lily moved slightly, blinking as she opened her eyes

“James, can we stay here?” she asked in a sleepy voice. “I don’t think I can go to my auntie’s in this state.”

“Eh, sure,” James replied, “You can use my parent's room, they won't mind.”

“Where are they, by the way?” she asked, getting up.

“India,” James muttered, gesturing to her to follow him upstairs.

“Do you want me to text your aunt?” Remus asked, pulling his phone out.

“If you would be so kind, please,” she said, “I don’t think I’ll be able to even find the bed right now.”

Remus did as she told him, messaging Lydia. Lily’s aunt had given him her number when they met, for occasions like this. She was a cool wine aunt, and Remus had loved since minute one. He had told Tobey he would stay at Lily’s, but his uncle wouldn’t mind the change of plans.

“What about us?” Sirius asked James, but they were already gone, and the question was left unanswered.

“I can sleep on the couch,” Remus said. He didn’t want to sleep on the couch.

“Of course not!” Sirius yelled, “You have to sleep in a bed!”

And to their buzzing brains, that made a lot of sense; why would Remus sleep on an ugly blue couch when they had a big bed in Sirius' room? So, without asking himself any more questions, Remus climbed the stairs after Sirius. Some functioning part of his brain was freaking out about something related to arms, but he didn’t care in the slightest. Sirius’ smooth skin was an unattainable delicacy.

Sirius’ room was covered in red, weirdly tidy; everything was in its belonging place, old records painting the walls. Why did Sirius have a whole room in James’ house didn’t even cross Remus’ mind, but if he had been more sober that would have made him taste bittersweet. 

“I have to use the bathroom,” Remus announced, and Sirius signed to the closed door next to his bed as he collapsed on the fluffy bed.

Once Remus was alone he closed the door and pulled his phone out. He hadn’t talked with Padfoot the whole night, a feeling like something was missing taking over his eager hands. Sitting on the floor in front of the toilet, he smiled slightly.

[padfoot]

hiya paddy

MOONY

i’m so happy to see you

you aren’t seeing me

dumb

i’m not dumb

shut up you are dumb

omg are you drunk

no

oh 

i think i am 

that’s so funny

drunky moony

i think i’m a cactus padfoot

my friend is a watery flower but im a cactus

explain

sometimes i want to hurt people

i have to protect myself

people are horrible, mean

so so mean

that’s a way of surviving

you have to protect yourself from mean people

but cactus are also nice and important

they are filled with water, medicine and nutrients. they help the animals in the desert, the animals eat them to survive

i don’t want animals to eat me

dumb

cactus also have beautiful flowers

and it's on the people if they touch carelessly a cactus, the cactus has already warned them with their spines

that’s so smart

thanks padfoot, really

maybe i like being a cactus

you are so smart

:)

i like you being a cactus

what are you, padfoot?

someone told me im a dog

no i mean plant

oh, a lotus

omg no way my friend is also a lotus

wow really?? so many lotuses!

i’ve never met a lotus before

they are cool

i like lotus

do you like me moony?

yeah a lot

i also like you

you are smart and fun and nice 

despite being a cactus

you are like the perfect friend

ah friend haha

you are also a great friend

we could create a band: the plants

the plants?

well we can work on the title

but i play the piano and the violin

hey i play the guitar!

it’s settled then

we’ll be a plant

i mean a band

maybe i am a bit tipsy

the tipsy plants

OMG MOONY YOU ARE A GENIUS

THAT’S THE BEST NAME EVER

hshahahsh it is pretty good isn’t it

YES WE ARE THE TISPY PLANTS

it does have a ring to it  

IT DOES IT DOES MOONY

GOD I LOVE YOU YOU ARE MAKING MY CAREER TAKE OF

you want to be a musician?

idk i did dream to be a rock star but that was time ago

i like painting

i bet you are very good at it

i want to study history

we could unite and make songs about art history

that’s actually a great idea

i bet we’d look super hot in matching glittery rock star suits

haha well

you’d do for sure

and you too moony

i bet you are that kind of people that are gorgeous but they think they arent and like everyone is pinning over but are oblivious

haha

i’m sleepy moony

and i’m waiting for my friend but he’s taking SO long

what is he doing?

idk locked in the bathroom

omg im also in a bathroom

that’s so funny

i think i really like my friend moony

i’m scared

oh

you love him?

maybe 

haha

i bet he loves you too

how do you know?

how could he not

i have to go

talk to you on the morning

byeee moony <3

sleep well padfoot 

***

v

After getting out from the bathroom with a thigh not on his heart, Remus joined Sirius in his bed. Sirius gave him a big sleepy smile, and Remus wished he could see that smile every night. His brain yelled something about arms once again, so Remus listened and wrapped his hands around Sirius’ waist. Sirius went still for a moment, his body tensed and confused, but Remus was already closing his eyes. Sirius relaxed slightly, the panicked beating of his heart was a melody of halfway happiness. He wasn’t sure what this meant, but Remus was almost hugging him, a warm body sleeping next to him. In his bed. It was a fever dream.

Sirius softly kissed Remus’ cheek and rested his head on Remus’ chest. Remus moved slightly and Sirius froze. This delicate, fragile thing between them, which came from nowhere, a mix of support and proximity, was too valuable to lose. To break. To destroy.  A lot had been taken from Sirius his whole life. As he closed his eyes in a dark room, cuddled with Remus Lupin, Sirius Balck promised himself that the boy in his arms wouldn’t be one of those.

Maybe it was because they were so focused on each other that they didn’t notice the intruder shadow at the other side of the door.

***

There was a stiff atmosphere around the kitchen table, and it wasn’t solely because of the hangover they were experiencing. The only one who was humming around as she prepared breakfast was Mary, who had always handled alcohol way better than her friends. No one knew where she had slept, and she refused to address the issue, but that morning at ten o’clock a smell of fried eggs had taken over the Potter’s house. 

The first to come down had been Lily and James. She had sat on a chair with a lost stare, like she was contemplating something unthinkable, her green dress completely wrinkled. James went straight to talk to Mary without interacting with Lily, an anxious glimpse in his dark eyes. His head, which used to be a mess, was even worse as he kept running his hands through it. 

Next it was Sirius followed by Remus, who was keeping a very weirdly obvious arm length distance with the first. They refused to make eye contact, and every time one of them caught the other staring their faces turned red, unspoken words hanging. Sirius had a sad, infinitely confused expression, almost like a rejected puppy. Remus seemed deeply ashamed, regret only making his head ache worse. 

The last ones to come back were Dorcas and Marlene, holding hands in an unmeasurable degree of happiness. Dorcas had some suspicious dark marks on her neck, and Marlene was missing her bra. 

“They finally fucked!” Mary celebrated, and despite the miserable state the others found themselves, they cheered, happy for their friends. 

“Where is Peter?” Dorcas asked, a huge smile on her face which just wouldn’t go away. Everyone shrugged, and after giving an affectionate kiss to her dear girlfriend, as she had called Marlene, she helped Mary cook the bacon.

“Thank god it’s Sunday,” Remus grunted. 

“Want me to ride you home?” Sirius asked, and Remus hesitated.

“What about Lily?” He said. Lily and him shared a glance, in which they agreed they would have to talk later about what had happened last night. They both looked like shit.

“I can drive her,” James said, “I’m not really hungover, I didn’t drink that much.” Lily seemed like she wanted to object, but after taking a look at Remus and Sirius’ distance, she nodded.

“Well then, I guess you can drive us both?” Remus said. 

“Sorry mate, but I promised Marlene, Mary and Dorcas I would ride them home,” James replied.

“Oh, okay,” Remus seemed almost upset, “Are you hungover?”

“Nope, I barely drank last night,” Sirius replied sincerely. Remus didn’t seem convinced.

After a silent breakfast they parted ways; Remus and Sirius went outside the house while the other went to the garage, where James’ car was. After taking a couple of steps in silence on the entrance path, Sirius couldn’t take it any longer. 

“If you don’t want me to ride you over, you can walk,” Sirius said, in a tense, hurt voice.

“It was to take advantage if he had to go anyway,” Remus said, “it has nothing to do with you.”

“I- We both know that isn’t true,” Sirius said, frustrated. “What’s your deal, Remus? Why are you acting all weird now? All I said was “Hey, good morning!” and you moved away like I was some kind of disease you might catch.”

“I just wanted to keep things clear,” Remus replied, “We were drunk, we slept in the same bed; nothing more. You already made very clear what you thought of being related with, well, homosexuality.”

“I was a fucking prat, you know that,” Sirius said. “I won’t freak out for sharing a bed with a dude.”

“How can I be sure? It’s not the first time I’ve encountered it,” Remus argued, “I don’t know what you want from me, Sirius. You yell at the whole school you’ll never kiss a boy, then you tell me some fucking sob story in the greenhouse only to look at me like that for the rest of the night-”

“Like what?” Sirius asked, “How do you want me to look at you?”

“I don’t want you to look at me!” Remus almost shouted. “I know your type, alright? I just want to spend the rest of the school year safe and calm.”

Sirius didn’t say anything for a while, deep in thought. He was being unfair to Remus, keeping things blurry, that much was true. But Remus had also played a part, smiling at him and cuddling with him at dawn, stars on their touching skin. Singing with him because, god, that voice. Sirius had been convinced he was going to die right there. But maybe the best was to stay as friends for now, build a solid friendship, way better than that feathery tip toeing around each other. Then, time would tell.

 “Yep, you’re right. I overstepped. Just bros being bros,” he laughed it off, even if it was killing him to do so, because Remus deserved it and more, “I guess the alcohol did affect me more than I thought.”

Remus looked into his eyes, like he was searching for something - the undying truth, maybe - but whatever he wanted to find, it wasn’t there. A flicker of disappointment shined in his amber eyes, but it was gone before Sirius could recognize it.  

“Yeah, right” he said, “Glad we cleared it up. We don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.”

“Yep, exactly,” Sirius smiled, but even to himself it felt weak and fake. Remus bought it, nonetheless. 

A horn caught their attention, and a big white car exited the garage with James and the girls inside. They waved at them, and some moments later they were already on the other side of the street, leaving them alone once again.

“So, where is your car?” Remus asked, looking around, but what he really wanted was to get his eyes off Sirius.

“Car? What car?” Sirius suppressed a laugh.

“You don’t own a car?” Remus asked, his eyebrows knitting together.

“Do you?” Sirius replied.

“I mean - no, but you are supposed to get me home, my uncle and my dad are waiting for-, “he said, but was interrupted by Sirius' loud shameless laugh.

“I’ll get you there, don’t worry, but not with a car,” he said, “we’ll go on my bike.”

Remus was stunned for a moment. Sirius owned a motorcycle? The image that appeared in his head was way too attractive for his own health, but - no, he should really stop with this. Just bros being bros. Arm length distance, he had decided. 

“You have a motorcycle?” he said, maybe a bit too loudly.

At that, Sirius completely broke in laughter, grabbing his belly from the intensity of it.

“HA! I wish! “He said, longing in his eyes, “No, it is a bike. Like, literally.”

He gestured to a black bike parked at the other side of the street, like he had wanted to protect it from the crazy party teens from last night. It had little white dots painted at hand, which Remus assumed were stars. There was a whole universe between those two wheels. They looked old, like they had been coloured a long time ago, but on one side there was a new addition which seemed to be painted more recently: a big bright moon. There were also some antlers and a sneaky rat painted in the front, followed by a running big black dog in the back. 

“A bike?” Remus said. Because even if it was the coolest bike he had seen, it was still a bike. That had to take them across London.

“Yep, isn’t it pretty?” Sirius smiled, “I call her Pigwidgeon, Widgy for short. I’m practising for when I own a real motorcycle."

“How will a bike take us across London?” Remus asked, baffled, trying to decide if it was an elaborated joke or not.

“Widgy has taken me around London since I entered high school, she can do that and more!” Sirius promised, crossing the street. There weren’t any cars circling, the neighbourhood shouted privileged class. “It even has gears!”

And in lack of a better and safest way of transport, Remus followed Sirius and seated on a surface in the back, which was where he would be riding, although it seemed more of a place for luggage. 

“Oi, the helmets!” Sirius realized, with an apology glance he walked back to the house. “Be right back!”

Remus stayed seated alone on the decorated bike, hoping Sirius knew what he was doing. His head was killing him and he just wanted to get home and sleep. Slow footsteps at his right made him turn in that direction, where a barely familiar girl was walking towards him.

“Hey, you!,” she said. A blonde man with long hair came after him, with an expression that made it very clear he would rather be anywhere else than accompanying the curly haired woman.

“What?” Remus muttered.

“What do you mean with what?” the girl said.

“You just called me, I figured you wanted to tell me something,” Remus replied. He really didn’t want to do this right now.

“No, it was threateningly,” she clarified, a disgusted grim taking on her face, “Don’t mess with us, lad.”

“What do you want?” Remus looked up to the door, but Sirius still wasn’t coming. “Who even are you?”

“I’m Lucius, and she’s Bellatrix, Sirius’ cousin,” the blond one said, “Sirius invited us this morning. He mentioned something about a prank, didn’t he, Bella?”

“Yes, something about a, you know,” Bella said, her grin warning craziness, “a f*g, that spent the night here. He wanted to trick him or whatever. He still has to tell us the details.”

To say Remus was confused was an understatement. Sirius had told he wasn’t on good terms with his cousins, but these people claimed the contrary. And maybe it wasn’t all his cousins, at the end of the day he did have a good relationship with his brother. Still, he found it hard to believe that Sirius would associate himself with people who used homophobic slang, not after his big speech about self wroth. 

“I don’t know who you are,” he said, getting off the bike, “but I think you have misunderstood what Sirius told you. If he even told you anything.”

“Oh, no, I’m absolutely certain he mentioned someone called, eh, Rudolph, Remy?” Bella looked at Lucius, who shrugged. “Whatever, he was waiting for the others to leave.”

“Yeah, Sirius plays the nice card with everyone, but in the end he’s just as sneaky as his family,” Lucius laughed, “I wouldn’t want to be in Raymond’s shoes right now.”

Remus analysed Bella and Lucius’ faces, and they didn’t look like they were lying, but he knew Sirius would never play him dirty like that. Maybe he had been over affectionate last night, but it had been a misunderstanding that they had already solved. It had been because of the alcohol, nothing more. That they knew of him didn’t mean anything.

“I wonder what he told the poor guy,” Bella commented, innocent, “That he was very sorry about what he had said the first day? Please, Sirius hasn’t been sorry a day in his life.”

“Imagine if he pretended he was gay too to get close to the guy,” Lucius said, “And then, break his heart.”

“That would be genius,” Bella said, way too excited by the idea of messing with someone’s feelings.

Sirius had cuddled with him last night, drunk my ass, Remus thought. He had said he wasn’t hungover because he barely drank, so why had he blamed the alcohol on the kiss on the cheek he gave him when he thought Remus was asleep? And he was taking way too long to come out of the house. But even if Sirius had lied, that didn’t mean these guys were telling the truth. 

“What do you want?” Remus asked, again, because he was tired, and confused, and his head was trying to murder him.

“Just chatting,” Lucius said, “What are you doing?”

“Waiting for Sirius to ride me home,” he said, eyeing the front door once again.

“Wait, no way!” Bella almost shouted, “Are you that guy who is in love with Sirius?"

Remus kept quiet. No he wasn’t. Was he? He had just forgiven him a couple of days ago, he lied to himself, he couldn’t like someone that quick. 

“Holy Shit, did you really believe he would get you home on a bike ?” Bella crackled. Remus hated that sound. 

“He knows how to drive Widgy around London,” he defended, but that only made them laugh even more.

“Widgy? Like Walburga? His mother ?” Lucius said, hysterical.

“No! Like Pigwidgeon!” Remus cried, but even to him, it sounded desperate.

“Oh God, you are actually dumber than we thought!” Bella said, and all Remus could hear were crazy laughter and burning pain in his head. He couldn’t think right now. He just wanted to leave.

“I have to admit Sirius is more clever than we give him credit for,” Lucius crackled, “God, how did he manage to create such a pathetic adorer?”

But no, Remus couldn't believe them, because he knew Sirius (for what, three days?). And he trusted him, Sirius had been sweet, nice, open. There was no way he made up that whole lotus story; his despise for his family was true, he was truly home amongst the Potters. These people who claimed to be his cousins had the maniac smile of a liar.  Before he made any assumptions, before he trusted some extrangers, he had to talk to Sirius.

"Have you questioned, Lupin," Lucius said, slowly, like Remus was stupid, "why a popular, loved, straight guy as Sirius would want to hang out with a weird lone wolf like you?"

And to that Remus didn't have an answer, because he had been wondering the exact same thing since he had been invited to the party. What was really Sirius' agenda with all this? He knew very well not to trust people who claimed to be his friends. But despite everything, he trusted Sirius.

“I’ll rather ask Sirius directly,” he said. At that moment, someone opened the front door, and Remus, heart filled with uncertain hope, hurried to check if it was finally Sirius with the helmets in hand. Instead of flowy black hair, it was black greasy, which was somehow familiar. Severus Snape walked up to them with a cocky strut, phone in hand. 

“Remus Lupin,” he said, “so you are still here, you must be down bad.”

And Remus felt sick, because why had Snape - the same Snape who had called him indigent, who had been bothering Lily - come out of the Potter’s house like he owned the place.

“What are you doing here?” he spat, moving away from Sirius’ bike. Why the hell had he not come out of the house yet? Was this some mean prank after all?

“Well, let’s just say Sirius has made his decision, and it’s definitely not you,” he said, gesturing at his phone, “we were waiting how long it’d take you to finally understand you have been used, Lupin. Sirius is a bad person, the sooner you understand it, the better.”

"He's a much better person than you'll ever be," Remus said with gritted teeth.

"Ha! That Sirius is a good person?" Snape said, bitterly, "the same guy that bullied me for years, that humilliated me in front of the whole school? The same guy that destroyed Potter's and Lily's frienship, who made all her friends turn against her?"

“All I see is a lot of talking and very little evidence,” Remus said in an assured tone he wasn’t feeling at all. The events of last night seemed like a far delusional dream, all he saw was how he was losing a battle he didn’t even know he was participating in. He prefered not to think about Snape's last comment. “Where is Sirius?”

He hated how desperate he sounded. Lucius and Snape shared a complicity look, and Bella slowly smiled. Severus came up to him and showed him his phone screen. A video of him and Sirius cuddling in bed was being played in there, Remus hugging Sirius. Something tender and honest that couldn't be faked. Or could it? Remus wasn't sure about anything any more. Hundreds of pictures of evidence about something that should have stayed hidden between silk sheets. 

“Where did you get this from?” Remus said, trying to keep it cool. Snape just snickered.

“You have been used, Lupin,” he said, like he pitied him, “Sirius is just a straight guy trying to experience new things. And show those things to the whole school after he’s done. I guess he just wanted to make it clear to everyone that he wasn’t the gay one.

And what could Remus say to this? Friday, Sirius apologized on Friday. They had pretended to be lifelong friends for two days, what had he expected? Sirius, who had smiled at him and then blamed it on his drunkenness. Sirius, who was a popular prick and as horrible as he said his family was. Sirius, who had just proved to him that grey eyes are as evil as baby blue ones. 

And Remus didn’t cry, because he had already poured out enough tears for the past couple of years. His mother was fucking dead, his lover had betrayed him, his friends had turned their backs when he most needed them. His fresh start had been nothing more than pain and now that he had wondered if he could give that sneaky bitch called love another try, it punched him in the face. It didn't matter if it gave him another scar, he already had thousands of them. Remus kicked the bike, bloody Sirius and his love for that bloody thing. It fell to the floor, and Remus felt inclined to follow it. But no, because the snakes, Sirius’ family and friends, were watching his reaction, amused. He wouldn’t give them that satisfaction, he still had a flicker of pride in him.

But Remus ran, because fuck pride and fuck Sirius and fuck this bloody city. Fuck Christian and fuck his father, for being a coward.

Fuck Joanathan. Fuck bloody Joseph and their fucking shattered friendship.

Remus ran so fast that he missed when Sirius sprinted out of the Potter’s house, screaming his name like it was the last thing keeping him on foot.  He missed how Sirius, wretched fury taking over him, punched Snape so hard in the nose he started bleeding. He missed how Bellatrix and Lucius laughed at this, because they were playing in the devil’s team and didn’t care about Snape in the slightest. He missed how Sirius wasn’t able to contain back his tears, cursing himself in pure and complete devastation.

***

Remus had been in a state of hesitant hope his first day of school. The grey uniform didn’t exactly fit him, the shoes he had to wear were way too uncomfortable. The football field, where the students had been summoned, was full of rich English teens, too similar to his last schoolmates for Remus to feel completely safe. 

In the middle of the field, there were some teachers and a couple of students seated, listening to the long bearded director speak. Remus had already got his eye on a beautiful white black-haired guy, who was seated in the middle of a boy with round glasses and an elderly man who was watching them with a disapproving stare. The guy had beautiful stormy grey eyes, which had met Remus’ at least twenty times by now, and the introduction to the new school year had just started. A girl from the techno team placed a microphone in front of the young lads, and they were out of Remus’ eyesight for a moment.

“He’s so hot, James, like his eyes are the prettiest-” a clear voice resonated in the football field, interrupting the director. There was a shocked silence for a moment, and even Dumbledore - the beard guy - stopped talking. Something dangerous was hanging in the air, and the black-haired guy dropped his jaw open.

“Black is gay!” a shout came from the bleachers, where the whole student body was seated. That seemed to be the sparkle that started the fire.

Black - the guy - a terrified look on his face, jumped up and threw himself onto the microphone, desperate to stop the accusations.

“No, I’m not! Who said that? You are gay!” he shouted, way too defensive, and a new wave of laughter came from the students. Ugh, like being called gay is the worst you can be accused of, Remus thought, annoyed. He had just moved to a new school, and it seemed like history repeated itself. A bunch of spoiled homophobes who would hate him if they knew who he was. A cold, panicked shiver went down his spine. This couldn’t be happening again. A curly haired girl stood up near Remus and shouted for everyone to hear. 

“Sirius, are you a dick-sucker?” she laughed, and gestured to Remus, “he’s being making heart eyes to this other queer all morning ! I bet they wanted to meet after this to eat each others'-”

“Bellatrix, that is enough,” a solemn voice said, Dumbledore seeming disturbed by the scene.

“Shut up, fucking twat,” Sirius said to Bellatrix, “he might have been eyeing me, but I was just trying to get him to leave me alone!” 

Remus wanted to disappear, wanted to punch Sirius, wanted to laugh hysterically. But he stayed in place, just like he had done in the auditorium, not daring to move, so it wouldn’t upset the predators. Although it was different this time, because after hours and hours of therapy and help, he now knew that the problem wasn’t him. 

“You are saying the new kid has the hots for you?” a blond guy with long hair said, amused, “he does look a bit fruity.”

The people next to Remus moved further away, everyone’s eyes were on him. Remus wanted to puke.

“That’s enough.” Dumbledore said, “Mr Lupin, I’m sorry you had to see this. We’ll punish the students involved accordingly.”

“Lupin is a queer!” someone shouted, “We have a gay kid at Hogwarts!”

“There are plenty of gay kids at Hogwarts,” a blonde girl shouted, fury filling her blue eyes, “you just can’t see past your homophobic ass to see them.”

“Black for example,” Bellatrix said, “isn’t he, McKinnon?”

The girl called McKinnon looked at Sirius Black, taking a moment to answer.

“Oh my God! How many times do I have to say it? It was Lupin who was bothering me, it’s not my fault that even, erm, queer guys want me. If even, I’m the one who should be protected from him!”

The boy behind Sirius, with the glasses, grabbed him and pulled him back, a disapproving frown in his face. Black had a nuance of shame in his grey eyes, but the harm had already been done. The word “f*g” circulated around the school for at least two months before Dumbledore managed to put an end to it, following Remus around accompanied by “scarred” or “indigent”.

When Sirius and his friends had come to apologize to Remus a week later, Remus had spat on his face. He had yelled at them to stay away from him, and now it seemed like he should have followed his own advice. Because now Sirius had managed to humiliate him once again, and Remus was so fucking sick of homophobia following him around. He was so fucking sick of rich kids who played with his feelings like they were another luxury they could afford. 

Remus didn't know how many hours it took him to reach Tobey’s flat, hours he spent wandering around London, trying to find his nonexistent home. A shattered heart he didn’t even have the chance to give away crushed inside his shaking body, Sirius’ grey, cruel eyes following him around.

The iron keys jingled when he pulled the front door open. The ghosts of voices came from the kitchen; Tobey had a guest. Lyall was nowhere to be found, and Remus felt inclined to go straight to his room and fall apart between the shelter of his walls, but that wouldn’t be fair to Tobey. He crawled to the kitchen and the conversation ended abruptly, making Remus feel even more like an outsider. He didn’t think he would survive any more rejections today.

A black middle-aged man was sitting next to Tobey, a warm cup of tea in front of him. Tobey smiled slightly at him, showing the wrinkles under his eyes. He had a warmer face than Lyall did, who always seemed like a wolf ready to bite.

“Oh, Remus, I’m glad you are finally home!” he said, standing up, “I think it’s time for you to meet Matthew.”

Chapter Text

Sirius could barely hide the huge grin on his face. A few moments from now, he would be riding Widgy across London, with Remus grabbing tightly his waist. All he had to do was find the bloody helmets and sprint back to Remus, who was waiting for him outside. He could still feel the softness of Remus’ jumper against him as they had hugged the night away, and although he had sworn to himself he would stay friends with Remus and respect his decision, he couldn’t change how much their proximity affected him. 

It was funny how much Remus reminded him of Moony. That kind of unlimited kindness hidden behind dry sarcastic humour. It also occurred to him how much of a casualty it was that they both were history nerds, played the guitar and liked Taylor Swift (he was lucky so many of his close friends had good taste). They both also were huge snobs in all ways. In a brief moment of lunacy, he allowed himself to imagine what it would be like if Remus Lupin was his dear Moonboy. It was not the first time he dreamed about it, the foolish idea had grown in his delusional brain for quite some time now, his logic refusing to deny how similar were the feelings he had about them.

He hummed lightly as he searched through the Potter’s messy garage; the helmets had to be here somewhere, he and James had used them less than a couple of days ago when they went skateboarding. Euphemia had forced them to wear the whole safety set, and thank god because if she hadn’t, they’d be at the hospital right now. And probably it was because Sirius was so focused on his search that he didn’t hear when something joined him in the room. A familiar voice coughed behind him, and Sirius couldn’t hide his annoyed confusion when he saw Snape - of all people - standing in the Potter’s garage

“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, unable to conceal his irritation, “you do realize this is private property, don’t you? Like, you can’t enter other people’s houses without explicit permission.”

“I’m not the only one who isn’t supposed to be here, Black,” Snape snickered, unbothered by Sirius’ rejection.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sirius forgot about the helmets and straightened up, walking up to Snape. 

“A little bird told me your parents forbid you from, ehem, associating yourself with the Potters,” Snape said. Sirius didn’t know who that bloody bird or where had Snape heard that - horrifyingly true - information, but he didn’t have a good feeling about this.

“That’s none of your business,” he finally said, “and that doesn’t answer my question. What the fuck are you doing here?”

Snape put on a nasty smile that didn’t mean good news. 

“Let’s say I have some,” he paused for a moment, pretending to think, “pictures that aren’t in your best interest for them to reach your parents. Or the rest of the school, for that matter.”

“What pictures?” Sirius didn’t want to sound too eager, “is this a threat?”

“No, of course not,” Snape clarified, “it is just, let’s call it, an agreement that will benefit us both.”

“I still haven’t seen any pictures-” Sirius began to say, but a ding coming from his pocket interrupted him. He pulled his phone out from his black jeans, only to see that someone he didn’t know had sent him an email. He opened it and almost dropped the mobile when he saw the pictures, it was filled with them: Remus and him in their warm bubble, cuddling, naively believing themselves to be safe under the cover of the night. Sirius’ hands began shaking, a cold panic he had experienced before taking over his body like a prophecy for his doom. He didn't waste his breath on unnecessary questions: Snape wanted something from him, and he had probably been spying on them last night under the cover of the party. 

“What agreement are we talking about?” he said with a calm voice, so different from the deafening thunderstorm inside him. 

“I want you to stop hanging out with Potter and Pettigrew; say you have always hated them, that you want to meet new people; I don’t care,” Snape said. Something putrid was growing inside his heart; he viewed Sirius as responsible for all his pain. He had turned his dear Lily against him, after all, and that was unforgivable, “Lupin is tired of dealing with you, leave him alone or he’ll publish your photos together. His reputation is already ruined, how long will it take for these pictures to ruin yours?”

“I know you are lying, Snape,” Sirius said, not a flicker of doubt in his eyes, which were the only thing exteriorizing the terrified storm inside of him, “I know Remus would never plan such a dirty move. This is all you, Snivellus.

“Why? Because he was nice to you for a couple of days?” Snape said, and for the first time he seemed actually honest, “I don’t think you are completely aware of how bad it got for him the first months, Black. He was relentlessly mocked, and that affects a part of you, something nasty grows from that resentment. He’s not going to forgive you just because “oh no I was scared!” He went through hell, Black, he’s not going to come out of there as an angel.”

And to that Sirius was speechless because it was brutally true and completely his fault. He could have understood if Remus hadn’t forgiven him, but there wasn’t the smallest doubt in his shaky voice when he answered.

“Remus isn’t you, Snape,” he said, “you might want to ruin me, but don’t forget why I ruined you first.”

Snape shrugged, unmoved, like he was a mother dealing with a stubborn child. The cruel smile that grew halfway through his face wasn’t motherly at all, as he said the next words.

“Okay, Black, your call,” he announced, “I warned you about your real enemies, now the only thing I can do is go through with your unfulfilled part of the deal.”

Snape looked down at his phone and pressed a button. Send. He pressed send. Sirius, the storm returning stronger than ever, hurried to take Snape’s phone away from him, but it had been turned off. He tapped desperately at the black screen, but it wouldn’t open. I wouldn’t tell him who the fuck the receiver was. All he could see was the reflection of his frightened eyes and the smudged eyeliner above them.

“Who did you send the pictures to?” he cried, panic coursing wildly over him. 

“I think you already know it,” Snape said, and he was right after all. Something truly nasty grows from resentment, because Snape stopped by the door before leaving and purred, “Say hi to your father from me when you get home. I bet he’ll be delighted to see you.”

Sirius’ knees crumbled under him, his vision growing blurry with broken tears. And just like that, in a couple of minutes, Snape had managed to ruin Sirius’ life. He could have given in, but why would he bother living in a world where his friends thought he hated them, where he couldn’t speak to James or Peter or Remus? Now, instead, his chance of surviving in his house had banished, and he could only shiver at the punishment that awaited him at home. Home, huh. Grimmauld Place had never been home, just a dark, painful place to come back to. Still, what would he do now with Reg, with his life, really? He was a dead man, his parents wouldn’t contain themselves this time. Blood would run free, inerasable marks all over him. At least he would match with Remus, he thought. Oh, Remus. He hadn’t believed for a moment that Remus was the mastermind behind this, but Snape had said some truths. Remus had suffered immensely because of him, maybe it was only fair for Sirius to go through the same now. Every hope of a bright future with the boy he liked was now nothing more than a delusional dream, last night seeming ages away. Could Remus ever truly forgive him, or would that nasty resentment grow until he was nothing more than Snape’s shadow?

Sirius wasn’t sure how long he was curled up on the dirty garage floor, out of place items -like himself - surrounding him. He watched as salty drops wet his shaking hands, unable to do anything more than spiral in “what ifs”. He tried not to show, to rub it off, but the truth was that he was utterly and absolutely terrified of his father. Terrified of the brutal harm, of the savage words, of his uncertain future. Some fierce shouts coming from outside woke him out of his misery, and he remembered who was waiting out there, victim of Snape’s lies and tricks to doubt even yourself. He would never forgive himself if Remus got even more hurt. And just like that: a purpose. A way to keep his mind off the consequences he would be facing: Remus. To say Sirius sprinted out of the house didn’t really match how desperately fast he ran, but once he was outside, surrounded by the last people he wanted to see, Remus was already too far to reach. That would be a feeling he’d have to get used to. His purpose was a purpose no more, and he didn't know what Snape had told Remus, what filthy lie had made him run away from Sirius, but it certainly deserved a hard punch. The blood on Sirius’ hands did barely affect him; soon, he would be surrounded by much more. 

***

The three men were seated around the round wood table, each with an already cold cup of tea in front of them. After Tobey had greeted Remus, he hurried to put the teapot to boil. Now he hadn’t said anything else, and although Remus maintained his focus firmly on his own hands, he could sense the meaningful glances Matthew and Tobey were sharing. This was the last place Remus wanted to be; even if his walk around London had helped him move past the distressed temper he had been feeling when he left the Potter’s house, he wasn’t in a stable mental state either. Finally, Tobey coughed, asking for Remus’ attention and breaking the frail silence. 

“So, Remus,” he said, eyeing Matthew nervously again, “you now live in London.”

“Yep, I think I’ve gathered that,” Remus answered, although he was feeling anything but sassy. 

“And, well, we’ve been living together for at least five months now, and you’ve grown to be a person I really care about,” Tobey continued, “so, I’ve thought it was time for me to introduce to you an equally important person for me.”

He just hoped this wasn’t another joke.

“Remus, dear, this is Matthew Fernsby, my,” he looked up to the man next to him, smiling in something that just couldn’t be faked, “my partner.”

The words echoed in Remus’ empty mind. He wasn’t sure if this was for real or not. He had always thought Tobey knew about his sexuality, but had assumed he didn’t have a problem with it. He guessed another cruel prank wouldn’t make much of a difference.

“You’re gay ?” he said, in a harsher tone than he had intended. Tobey seemed taken aback.

“Yes, well, yes, I am,” he mumbled with a shaken frown, “I didn’t think- Do you have a problem with it?”

Tobey seemed a bit bothered, and grabbed Matthew’s hand tightly. Matthew had a sad, reluctant smile on. A smile of someone who had heard those words one too many times. Remus was a complete idiot.

“No! No, god, no,” Remus hurried to clarify. If there was one thing that would crumble the dam that was keeping tears at bay, it would be for Tobey to look at him with heartbroken disappointment. “That came out wrong. Of course, I don’t have a problem with it. Actually,” he gave his uncle a smile he had never expected to wear again, “It actually makes me very, very happy. I’m glad you’ve found someone, Tobey.”

“See, I told you he was the sweetest lad!” Tobey beamed, and Matthew responded to it with pure adoration.

“Yes, he is,” Matthew said, and featured to shake Remus’ hand, “I’m glad to finally meet you. Tobey here talks relentlessly about you. “ He’s such a smart kid, Matt, you should see the grades he gets, and don’t get me started on how much he helps at home- ”

“He’s just jealous because he doesn’t get to spend as much time here as he used to,” Tobey said, with a playful smile Remus had never seen before.

“Oh right,” Remus said, guilty, “have I been bothering you by staying in here? I’m so sorry I didn’t give you the sensation you could trust me.”

“It’s not your fault, Remus, honestly,” Tobey said, “I didn’t have a great experience when I came out to my parents - hence why I moved to London - Lyall himself is also a bit old-school. I just wanted to get completely comfortable, and Matt also helped me get rid of my fear. I’m glad I told you.”

Remus remembered the Catholic All-Boys School his grandparents had forced him to go, and could understand Tobey perfectly. He had never been close - or had any relationship, really - with his grandparents. He wasn’t even sure if they knew about the accident. He couldn’t put to words how immensely happy he felt, because Tobey, his amazingly generous uncle, was just like him. Almost. He felt brave, for once.

“I’m bisexual,” Remus said in a rush, and he wasn’t sure if they had understood him at all, “I like boys. And girls. And pretty much everything.”

Tobey seemed stunned for a moment, but Matthew let out a loud, shameless laugh.

“Thanks for telling me, Remus,” Tobey managed to say, trying to get Matthew to shut up.

“I can’t believe you spent months stressing over whether to tell the boy or not, calling me in the middle of the night in random panic attacks,” Matthew wheezed, “only for the boy to be a friend of Dorothy as well!”

“Oi, shut up Matt,” Tobey said, doing nothing to suppress his wide smile, “I love you Remus, I’m so happy to have you in my life. Hope was right when she said you were a wonderful boy.”

Remus wondered what it’d be like to not only be rejected by all your friends, but by your family as well. To be thrown out, barely any better than rubbish, and had to move to a completely foreign city by yourself, fearing for your own safety. For your family to give up completely on you, only to be reunited with your equally queer nephew years later.

“You knew my mum?” Remus asked.

“Before being Lyall’s wife, she was my best friend. After I left, she used to update me with every little detail about your life. Always told me I had a home next to her. She was an amazing woman.” Tobey had that sweet smile he sometimes put on when looking at Remus. 

“She really was,” Remus agreed. He loved the idea of his mother and his uncle being close friends despite the kilometres of distance. 

Although his headache and Sirius’ heartless betrayal were still very present, he now exiled them to a small part of his mind, determined to celebrate with his uncles and forget about the darkness, the pain, for at least a couple of hours.

***

[ Paddy and Prongsy ]

it’s over james

Sirius? why, what happened?

i don’t know why i did, i guess i just hoped snivellus hadn’t dared

what did snivellus do, Sirius?

please tell me, what can i do to help?

he told my parents, james

and i, like a moron, went back

they didn’t even explain why, just threw my things out

I don’t have a home any more, james

of course, you do, you’ve had one for years

i’m going to call dad, send me your location, and we’ll come get you

i have to tell reg something first

text him. don’t go back in there

no, james, it’s my notebook

i have to get it back, i need it. it’s in my room

regulus will get it for you, just-

just get out of there, we’re coming

***

[rat]

Those shites kicked Sirius out

my parents are out of town, i called them and they’ll fly back as soon as possible. he’ll stay at my place

fuck

how is he?

I’m not sure

he says they just threw him out, but i doubt it was only this

he also says fucking snivellus is who told them

fucking hell

i’m coming over

***

have you picked him up already?

bloody hell wormtail

he’s not okay, at all

blood all over him, only a nasty punch, he says

Orion must have had a blast

I can bring mum, she’s a nurse

yes please

He also says something about lupin

They were supposed to be together and i don't know where the fuck he is

you reckon Snape did something to him too?

why would he? Lupin hasn’t messed with him

to get to sirius maybe

we’re coming over, make sure he drinks water and don’t force him

we’ll see what we can do

 ***

[moony <3]

moony

padfoot

what's up?

i feel like i’m dying

but it cannot be, because they say death is merciful

this isn’t merciful at all

has anything happened, pads?

can i help in any way?

nah just talking is enough

he’s gone, moony

who is gone?

him! and he’ll never come back, why would he

did someone close to you die, pads?

if it’s the case what you are feeling is normal

lol no

he left because he was fed up with me

he’s so kind, moony, why would he want to be with the bastard of the snakes?

you aren’t a bastard.

idk who put that thought in your head but you better erase it 

please don’t leave me, i don’t think i could handle it

you are also kind, moony

i’m not going anywhere

but you’ve gotta promise me you’ll get help, to get rid of those horrible thought that are going through your head

i don’t know what you mean

i think you do, pads

i’ve been there, truly. It actually gets better

i can recommend you a therapist, it’s the one my dad goes to

okay 

yeah, i trust you, you are one of my best friends, moony

oh

you are also one of my best friends, padfoot

i’m so glad i found your notebook

yeah me too

did you know why they hate me, moony?

i’m gay

please answer

moony please don’t do this to me

holy shit sorry pads, it took me a minute

I’m so happy you told me, it’s completely okay

they - those who hate you - are the worst scum out there and i’d gladly hunt them down

werewolf style? hot

i- 

does it turn you on to be ripped apart once a month?

GJGAJGHJA omg

yeah, especially if you are the one covered by fur ;)

horny bastard

but you love anyways

haha yes, that i do

thanks moony, honestly

anything for you, padfoot

***

[James Potter]

hey remus

has something happened to you and sirius? 

are you in on the joke too?

what joke? I don’t understand what happened, and sirius won’t tell me anything. 

i’d prefer to stop associating myself with black from now on

you and peter seem nice, same for the girls, but i don’t think you are completely aware of what kind of person black is

he’s not angel, but he would never mess with you, not you, from all people

I don’t know what you want from me, james

please tell me what happened

or at least talk to him

ask him, he’ll eventually want to brag about his prank

and for the latter, not a chance

bye james

***

[rat]

i swear if never seen two people with a bigger lack of communication skills

did you discover what happened?

i’ll eventually

can you buy some chocolate on your way to the pharmacy? Sirius wants some

He says it reminds him of someone

okay so plasters and candy, got it

***

He was back to school on an unwelcome Monday, and Remus had done everything on his hands to not encounter Sirius Black all day. It was quite easy - they didn’t share many classes and sat on opposite sides of the cafeteria - but the real reason Remus hadn’t seen Black was simply because he hadn’t showed up. He might be ashamed - Remus thought, but even to his delusional side it sounded impossible. Black must have enjoyed every bit of the prank, despite the desperate messages Potter had sent him, probably because he didn't want to mess up his possibilities with Lily.

Lily had also been weird since Sunday morning, and as they walked back home Remus realized he hadn’t been the only one to endure an unwanted experience; she had had to share a car with her former friends. As soon as they reached the privacy of Lily’s house, he was determined to ask her about it. 

And, apparently, Sunday had been an awful day for everyone, judging by Padfoot’s texts from last night. There was a weighty feeling on his chest, despite not even knowing what Pads’ situation was about. It was driving him crazy. Despite only knowing him for a bit more than a week, Moony had grown to care for Padfoot way more than he should have. He would be lying if he said that learning that Padfoot liked boys hadn’t made his heart skip a bit in shaky hope. Padfoot was unbelievably funny, smart, wholesome… and way too similar to Sirius. Every time he thought about the mysterious lovable dork he was messaging with, Black’s unfairly charming face materialized in his wrecked mind. And it was completely unjust, because while Padfoot was everything nice and good about this world, Sirius was a heartless demon.

Lily and Remus greeted Monica, Lily's aunt, and hurried upstairs to allegedly "do their homework". They sat on Lily’s bed, Remus grabbed a pink glitter pillow to have something to hug.

"So, are you going to tell me what's up?" Lily said, at the same time Remus asked if she was okay. They shared a daring stare, inviting the other to answer their question first. Unsurprisingly, Remus gave in first. He thought for a while about how he was going to address it, Lily patiently waiting.

“I slept with Sirius Black last Saturday,” he said. Lily’s eyes widened.

“You mean you - you had sex with him?”

“What? No!” Remus squealed, “I mean, I slept with him - next to him! For the whole night. Cuddling.”

“Remus, dear, are you telling me you’ve been in a distressed mood all day because you shared a bed, while drunk, with another boy?” Lily said, confused.

“It’s not only that! We talked, we went to the greenhouse,” Remus breathed in, “but it wasn’t true. None of it.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was all part of some kind of elaborate plan. Sirius would make me fall in love with him and Snape would record us together,” Remus continued,

“Why would they do that?” Lily asked, but her worried expression turned into understanding.

“To torment me. To mess with my feelings,” Remus mumbled, clenching his fists. “But that’s not the worst part.”

“What is it?” Lily’s worried face returned.

“The worst part - the worst part is that they succeeded.” Remus bit his lip harshly, but it didn’t compare to the pain he was feeling inside his chest.

“Do you like Sirius, Remus?” Lily asked, although she already knew the answer.

“Not any more,” said Remus. They both pretended it was the truth.

“It honestly surprises me, though, that Snape and Sirius would work on something together,” Lily said, “they have quite a past.”

“They solved their differences, I guess,” Remus replied, because the last thing he needed was to obsess over another pipe dream.

“I don’t think it’s that easy,” Lily said, and prepared to tell Remus the whole truth, “Have you ever wondered why I’m not friends with Marlene, Mary and Dorcas any more?”

“Can’t say I haven’t, but it’s none of my business,” Remus said.

“Okay, here it goes”. Lily laughed lightly, although it seemed strained, “I haven’t talked about this in over a year. As I told you, I’m from Ireland. There, I lived in a small town, and there weren't many little kids to bond with. The Snapes were the neighbours next door and, needless to say, I befriended their only son, Severus.”

“You and Snape were friends?” Remus had suspected something on the matter, but not this level of closeness.

“Key word: were,” Lily continued, “When I applied to study in Hogwarts with a scholarship, Snape did the same. I got in, but he didn’t; he didn’t pass the entrance exam. I entered Hogwarts in Year 10 and was forced to make new friends. That's when I met Dorcas, Marlene and Mary; we became very close, and I felt somehow free. The next summer I returned for a few weeks to Ireland, to visit my family, and the first thing Severus said to me was how much he had missed me. He said his new high school sucked, and assured me he’d find a way to come to Hogwarts next school year with me. I know it sounds selfish, but I didn’t want him to. Although I loved him, I had felt so free meeting new people, I had a feeling it wouldn’t end well.”

“That sounds wise, considering the results,” Remus said, and Lily gave him a mock smirk.

“Somehow, he managed to convince a rich relative to pay for his tuition, so the first day of school he entered by my side,” she continued, “It was horrible. He stayed at his cousin’s house, and soon made friends with Lucius and his gang; really nasty people. He didn’t want me to hang out with the girls and followed me like a shadow, always trailing behind whenever I was with my new friends, waiting to lurk me into a corner so we could be alone “like the old times”. That year, Marlene also became close to the Marauders, who really couldn’t stand Severus. Snape, due to his friendship with Lucius, was well-informed on Sirius’ complicated relationship with his parents, and had no filters. It was an uncomfortable situation to be in.

“Your closest friends hated each other,” Remus realized.

“Exactly” Lily sighed, and continued. “This lasted in a precarious balance for a year. In year 12, though, things got worse. James used to be somewhat of a cocky flirt and constantly asked me out, to mess with Snape. Severus also happened to, erm, like me, so he was - he was a bit jealous. I used to cut James out at the instant, but I couldn’t say I didn’t find his antics cute. Severus picked up on that” Remus decided not to comment on Lily’s light blush. “One day, Sirius found James passed out on the football field, apparently someone had hit him in the head on purpose. It wasn’t deadly, only a concussion, but he remained in the hospital for a few days. Sirius was furious; he insisted it was Snape’s fault, that he had wanted to kill Potter. I didn’t learn about Severus’ guilt until some months later, so I just thought he wanted an excuse to destroy his rival. He also blamed me, because I hadn’t been able to control my best friend.”

“That’s absurd,” Remus declared, “Snape is responsible for his own actions.”

“If only I had had you back then,” Lily smiled. “I felt so guilty, but Sirius’ accusations made me defensive. Marlene even stopped talking to me. If they were going to hate me, it would go both ways. Some days later, Sirius managed to find some poems - erotic poems - Snape had written about,” Lily had trouble to continue, “about me. Snape assured me they weren’t real. Sirius printed for the whole school to see, and even managed to find some old case about how Snape’s dad had abandoned his pregnant mother, who was engaged to another man. Words like bastard were written on Severus’ locker. Severus had been destroyed, and I fell with him in the process.”

Remus grabbed Lily’s hand and squeezed it. Lily kissed his knuckles.

“I was so angry and humiliated. I went to see James in the hospital, I was frustrated, and he was an easy target. I told him I hated him, since day one; that he was an arrogant bully and that I’d never ever go out with him. Mary and Dorcas, who had remained neutral, told me that I had gone too far and that it wasn’t James’ fault. I asked them how it was my fault, and they said that Snape was my friend, after all, and that I should have stopped it sooner. No one bothered to blame Sirius, because he got enough punishment from Dumbledore and his parents. I told them it was over and went back to Severus, the only friend who still wanted me by his side. It took me four months to find out about his guilt in regard to James' injury, and that the poems that had circulated had been real.”

“He actually wrote them?”

“Yep, he did,” Lily said, “I told him I didn’t want to be his friend any more. He yelled at me with thousands of slurs; that I was being manipulated, that my bisexuality was not real, just a phase; that I was a dirty whore who had been leading him on.”

“Snape sucks,” Remus declared.

“Yes, he does,” Lily agreed. “And that’s why, although I agree Sirius isn’t the best, he would never befriend Snape just to mess with the new kid. It’s not like him at all.”

“It seemed pretty real two days ago.”

“Did Sirius actually confirm it to you? Or did you only listen to Snape?” Lily questioned. She had seen how Sirius looked at Remus, and she would’ve sworn Sirius would rather die than harm Remus in any way.

“Only Snape,” he admitted, “but he was right about something. Why would a popular, straight guy like Sirius want to befriend me, Lily?”

“Maybe he likes you too,” she said, ignoring how Remus had already clarified he didn’t like Sirius any more.

“He basically hugged me for a whole night and then said he had just been drunk. He doesn’t want anyone to think he’s gay, Lily, why would he risk that? Even if he wasn’t in the prank with Snape, I still think the best decision we can do is to remain apart.”

“I’ll support you in whatever decision you take,” Lily said, after a moment, “just keep in mind that, sometimes, happiness is worth the risk.”

“I’ve already taken enough risks for a life-time,” Remus laughed, keeping Lily’s advice in heart. It was the only fragment of hope he would let himself keep. “What about you, Lily? Do you regret it all?”

“I’m not sure,” she answered, “I do regret giving up on my friends so fast; I should have fought more for them. But, in the end, Marlene, Mary and Dorcas were the ones who decided to leave, and that’s not on me. I also should have cut it out with Severus a lot sooner, it wasn’t breaking news that he was a homophobic asshole, I just didn’t want to face it.”

“It’s hard to accept that your life-long friend isn’t as perfect as you wanted him to be,” Remus said, “I think one of the reasons I hated Sirius so much in the beginning was because he reminded me of someone who hurt me. A lot. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes over again.”

“That’s understandable,” Lily agreed. She listened as Remus told her about his life in Wales; about Joseph, Jonathan, Brenda, and, obviously, Christian. She listened as he told her about the events from two years ago, and, when he was done, she gave Remus the warmest hug he had ever received. He deserved the moon and more.

“What about James?” Remus asked, letting go. “Something happened to you both on Sunday.”

“Yeah… I’m a bit embarrassed,” Lily said, “I- I kissed him.”

“You did what? ” Remus laughed.

“I was a bit drunk, so when he showed me my room for the night, I just grabbed his face and kissed him. I forced myself into him, Remus! I basically assaulted him!” Lily was hysterical. “He pulled off immediately and told me I was drunk and that I would regret this. And you know what I did, then, Remus? Do you?”

“No, I don’t.” Remus was having a hard time not laughing at Lily’s distressed expression.

“I kissed him again! He was absolutely mortified! Yelled “sleep well” and completely ran off!”

“I thought you didn’t like him,” Remus smiled, mischievous.

“I mean, he is pretty funny. And very friendly, always helping others. And, fuck it, Remus, he’s fine as hell! What am I supposed to do now?” Lily cried, “I told him I’d never go out with him, it’s so embarrassing. He must be furious.”

“He didn’t seem furious to me,” Remus laughed, because Lily’s severe blush was the best thing ever.

“That’s because he’s too nice to say anything. He must think I’m a creep! God, Remus, after everything we’ve been through, he won’t even consider going out with me. And, after the show I pulled off in the hospital, I don’t think I could either!”

“Are you listening to yourself right now, Lily?” Remus chuckled, “Like, yes, you should really apologize for that kiss without consent, but the bloke would probably cry of happiness if he heard you now. I didn’t even know he had fancied you, but it’s obvious he’s been trying to move on, unsuccessfully.”

“I never really believed he fancied me,” Lily explained, “I just thought it was a joke to mess with Snape. But you should have seen him in that hospital bed, Remus. The broken look on his face. It made me realize he wasn’t the only one falling.”

“Didn’t tell me you were a poet, Lils!” Remus received a cushion to his face. “Wow, James would be impressed by that aim!” Needless to say, the action was repeated. 

“Now, seriously,” Lily said, “do you think I have a chance? Should I tell him?”

“Yes, I think you always had one. Just, keep in mind that James is in very deep, don’t do this if you are not completely sure,” Remus warned her. He might have thought lower of James while he messaged him, hurt by the lies, but Remus now realized how undeniably pure his silent pining was. “The Snape Issue wasn’t your fault. You deserve to be happy, Lils.”

Lily smiled at him.

“You too, Remus, you too.”

***

[padfoot]

moony im boredd

you shouldn't be texting in school

sure in school lmao

why don't you ask prongs to entertain you?

prongs is *actually* at class

so am i

ehem: "anything for you, padfoot"

were those words in vain dear moonpie?

those words are applicable when you aren't being an annoying prat

how will I know what level of pratness invalidates your statement?

you won't 

your best option is to be a nice and well-behaved dog most of the time

dog?

your name is padfoot. 

alright moony, what would you do if i don't behave ;)

stop it dumbass

tell me what things are you gonna do with me moony ;)

pads i’m i class

i’ve been bad, moony, you’ll have to punish me ;))

stop it with the winky faces, mc gonagall is looking at me

cmon moony im feeling naughty

i WILL block you

if you weren't enjoying it you’d have already done it ;)

I’m yours daddy

hello?

dammit moony

answer meee

i'm still bored

you are no fun

i’m plenty of fun you are just overstepping

oh 

moony i’m so so sorry i didn’t want to make you uncomfortable

no, it’s okay pads, it’s just-

i am a teen alright, a teen with a pretty wild ranged imagination

and you saying those types of things-

oh 

well i can't fully control my reactions

OH

yep

wow okay 

i'm so sorry

it’s fine i'm very embarrassed

im sorry

god moony no don't apologize

fuck

please don’t think i'm some kind of a pervert i-

i guess i really enjoy messing with you and sometimes i take it a bit too far

i guess i’ll have to compensate it one of these days ;)

moony? 

MOONY

omg 

okay yeah that would be fair

***

[padfoot]

happy wednesday moony

is it a special day?

nope just feeling like talking to you

haha

so… was it a good day?

yes it was okay i’d say

today my dad went back to that therapist i told you about

do you still want me to give you the therapist’s contacts? she’s good

alright yeah thanks

I’ll email them to you. i am proud of you pads

aw moony thanks <333 i’m proud of me too

dumbass

how was your day?

calm, i would say

my friends parents finally came back, i missed them so much

where were they?

visiting some family

are you close to them?

they’ve loved me more than my parents ever did

then i’m glad you’ve found them then

can i tell you something pads?

sure ;)

This might be awkward and you can’t completely refuse

there is no pressure

spill it out, moonboy

i was thinking that maybe we should… meet, at some point

doesn’t have to be tomorrow or next week or anything

just some day

yes! yesyesyesyes i would love too

but maybe not now, i’m not exactly on my best moment

sure! i just would really like to meet you

as long as you are not some old pervert

we’ve already been over this, moony

or should i say albus

lmao admit it was funny

for you maybe, i barely could sleep!

drama queen

well YES that’s my most distingible characteristic

oh yeah and what’s mine?

cmon moony don't make me say it

are you saying i don’t have one? rude

get out

no, no, i see

i’m just boring ol moony

you are completely aware of how funny you are, asshole. 

you’ll need to elaborate on that i’m not quite catching you

your sarcasm is just top tier and don’t get me started on your BRAIN. not to mention how incredibly supportive you are, you’ve quickly become one of my most trusted friends. I care a lot about you moony, you are the best bloke i’ve ever met. 

And i just KNOW you are the hottest man out there, when i’ll see you i’ll bet i will fall in love at first sight lol

unless it isn’t at first sight ‘cause the best things is that i already got to know you and learn about you

oh 

thanks

haha lol

i also think i’ll fall in love with you at first sight, pads

wait what

moony? do you really mean it?

hahaha just joking around

told you i’d get revenge

this isn’t funny moony

you can’t do this

do what?

you know

mess with someone’s feelings like that

it’s mean

what feelings?

Padfoot, what feelings?

doesn’t matter 

i’m going to sleep, see you tomorrow :)

***

[Thursday, February 4th]

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]  

Good morning Padfoot,

I don’t know if this comes from the delusional imagination of a lunatic wishing for the unlikely, or this was your real intention when you typed those dooming words. The truth is, my mind has been playing a race with my heart all night and, when I looked at the night clock on my bed table and found out it still would take several hours for the sun to rise, I realized there was only one way to obliterate the uncertainty. 

First, I’d like to clarify that you don’t have to - in any way - reciprocate it. You don’t own me anything and if it makes you uncomfortable feel free to block me and never talk to me again. I would only ask for you to communicate your rejection first, since living with a for-ever hopeful heart beating towards an unattainable goal is the worst of punishments.

Hence, the reason for this email: I happen to have a crush on you. In a romantic way. In a “I wish I could get to know you in a conventional way, having a coffee in a bar, although there isn’t anything conventional about us” way. In a “I might have fantasized about what it would be like to learn to kiss you, although I don’t have the slightest clue about how is the shape of your lips” way. I might sound crazy (I’m certain I do) and I’m not sure where this poetic flair came from, but please, just: consider it. Whatever you are willing to give, I’m willing to take.

From, 

Moony 

PD: I can learn to get rid of my spikes, Padfoot, I’d do that for you. 

[email send]

***

It had already been a week and Sirius hadn’t made an appearance. Remus, moved by his talk with Lily, had agreed to give him a chance to explain himself, since the deception Snape had thrown down his throat seemed to fall apart the more he thought about it. Sirius might not be completely candid, but he was certain he hadn’t been working with Snape. 

On the other hand, this didn’t mean Remus wanted to talk to him, the decision he had made long ago was still on foot; Sirius had to remain at arms length. That’s why he had planned his course of action; he would have a brief truthful conversation with Black and then he would forget the black-haired nightmare existed. Sadly, his plan had been sabotaged by Black’s refusal to get an education.

On top of all this, he had confessed to Padfoot. He had confessed his fucking feelings to a random guy on his message app. The feelings he didn’t even know he harboured until they became too obvious for his fingers to remain still. Remus preferred not to think about the consequences that would carry, and how Padfoot hadn’t answered his confession because some sort of emotional stability was needed to carry on with his day. It had been more than 24 hours and Padfoot hadn’t answered; it seemed to be very much intentional, since Padfoot would always answer to his messages instantly. Maybe he thought Remus was weird and didn’t want to associate himself with him any more. Maybe the message had been too corny,  Padfoot was getting second-hand embarrassment and any chance of reciprocation had been destroyed. Maybe the wisest decision was to pretend that sincerity outburst about his desire hadn’t happened; like he had done with the wood problem in the middle of English Class due to that same bastard.

In the email, he had said that it would be cool if Padfoot didn’t talk to him again, but of course it wasn’t. Of course, it wasn’t, because Moony needed Padfoot’s little good morning messages more than a lotus needed sunlight. 

It was Friday, he only shared a class with Lily, and he would have to stay after lunch to assist in mandatory rehearsal. It wasn’t ideal, but he could work with it. 

The sky had already turned dark when he left the school, Lily offering to drive him home. Remus refused, he wanted to feel the chilly wind of the night on his face after such a tough week. Sirius hadn’t showed up to rehearsal either, and it was bugging him to no end, especially since Sirius had never missed a drama class, as Lily had told him. He tried to ease his concern, but between Padfoot’s lack of answer and Sirius’ disappearance he was near yelling “fuck it” and refuse to talk to a boy ever again. 

Two silhouettes stood near the end of the parking, wrapped up in warm jackets Remus wished to be wearing at the moment. One of them turned, hearing Remus’ footsteps, and a kind black face watched him with an unsure smile. He knew that smile, he had learnt to get used to it after seeing it daily. Brenda lightly touched the other person's arms, gesturing them to look up, and Remus faced someone who he had wished never to see again. Someone who had claimed to be his best friend. Someone who was looking at him with a mix of consternation and embarrassment.

“Joseph?”

Chapter Text

The ticking clock in front of the soft couch wasn’t doing wonders to calm Sirius’ nerves. His legs, having given up on remaining still long ago, were constantly dancing in a never-ending up-and-down samba, earning annoyed looks from the tired-looking man by his side.

It was Friday, the fifth day Sirius hadn’t been allowed to go back to school, Euphemia claiming he needed time to adapt. “Adapt to what?” Sirius had thought, “I already live here 24/7, and that my parents hate me is old news”. But Ephie had been final, and, since the Potter’s return, Sirius and her had spent the days immersed in self-care activities, to James’ infinite jealousy. The first time Fleamont had called him “son”, Sirius had sobbed. 

Now, after Moony’s therapist recommendation, they had booked an appointment, so he could “get some shit out”, as James had said. How they had managed to do it in less than a day would forever impress Sirius. Oh, Moony. Sweet, smart, witty Moony. He had confessed to a coward, a coward who had memorized the whole email, and now was repeating it in his head, a wobbly smile accompanying his nervous legs. How a creature as infinitely essential as Moony had thought he could love Padfoot was even a bigger mystery than Euphemia’s speed to book therapy sessions. It was such an unexpected rapture that Sirius had needed time to process it, taking him all morning to grasp the concept of “Moony likes Padfoot”. 

Because, that was the main issue: Moony liked Padfoot, but would Moony like Sirius? He wasn’t sure how he was perceived through messages, but Sirius could be too much, sometimes. Everyone agreed on that; Sirius was a funny, flamboyant, loud bloke, but everything taken to an extreme was annoying, and Sirius just didn’t know when - or rather,  how - to stop. He didn't know when he had to shut up about his new kindergarten friend because he was irritating Walburga, he didn’t know when to remain quiet about how handsome the new teacher was because Peter just didn’t care. He didn’t know when to leave Remus alone, because he just didn’t like him.

And that was the other main issue: Remus. Padfoot was certain he really liked Moony. But, and this hadn’t changed, Sirius was very much smitten for Remus. He didn’t know what Snape had told him, but Sirius just wouldn’t give up on Remus as easily. Remus was everything, the boy Sirius had crushed on since the beginning of the year. Although before the misunderstanding they had agreed to remain friends, there was still a candle of hope inside him. What the hell, not a candle, more like a whole lighthouse.  

So now Sirius had to choose, decide if he wanted to give Moony, the boy he had never met, a chance to build something, or he would rather keep pursuing Remus, who he had already fallen for. The thing that Remus and Moony had in common - apart from a hilarious dry sense of humour -, what made this decision so hard, was that they both made him feel so safe. Growing in a house where being on ward was a necessity, the feeling of trust was utterly precious. The thought of losing them was nightmare material. “But you have already lost, Remus, though, haven’t you?” And Sirius to that answered no, because he had never given up in his goddamn life, and he for sure wasn’t starting now. And neither would he lose Moony, so he had to recollect his scattered reasoning before he would answer his email.

It had been ten minutes, and he still hadn’t been called in, the man next to him seeming irritated by Sirius’ refusal to be still. It wasn’t in his nature, Sirius was a spiralling tornado filled with unstoppable energy. That would be his doom one day, but for now he was just an annoying seatmate. The man was tall and lanky, although it was slightly concealed by his seated posture, and the mop of brownish-greyish hair had a somehow familiar flair. His face structure - the cheekbones - were a far-away memory he couldn’t quite place. His clothes were used and torn, contrasting the white and neat atmosphere of the waiting room.  

“Could you please stop it with the fidgeting for a moment, boy?” he finally said, words tilting with a heavy mix of a Welsh and Irish accent. 

“Sorry, sir,” Sirius replied. He didn’t want to cause a scene, even though they were alone in the white room.

“Is it your first visit?” The man asked, his sad frown never leaving his face.

“Yes, it is,” Sirius said, “I’m a bit nervous.”

It was the first time he went to visit a therapist at all, Walburga and Orion always claiming it was utter nonsense. Regulus, with whom he still talked via messages, had encouraged him to give it a try. He tried not to think about Regulus being all alone in the dark Grimmauld Place, now the responsibility of honouring the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black falling on his shoulders. 

“It’s my second visit,” the man said, “my son and my brother forced me to come. I’m not sure if it'll be of much help.”

“I don’t have much experience,” Sirius replied, “but I’m sure it will help somehow. Talking always helps. You can’t keep everything in, you know, you would explode.”

“That’s what my wife would say.” The man smiled with infinite sadness. 

“Your wife is a wise woman, then.”

“Was,” the man sighed, “she died last… Actually, it’s been over a year now. Hence, the reason my son thinks I’m a mess.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t,” Sirius said. This conversation was almost a challenge, he was in need of the right words. “He just wants to help, but maybe doesn't know how.”

“I’m losing him,” the man admitted, “I wasn’t there for him when he needed it, and now I’m losing him. I know he prefers Tobey, but I just can’t do more.”

“Then you might want to consider giving therapy a serious try.” Sirius felt wrong giving advice without understanding the situation completely, but remaining in silence didn’t seem like an option. “You know, so you can feel better and fight for him or whatever. You shouldn’t give up.”

“Yeah, you might be right.” The man eyed the blank wall as it was filled with the right answers. Finding nothing, he returned his attention to Sirius. “What about you? Your parents also think you are a lost cause?”

“My biological parents threw me out,” Sirius said, unashamed, “now, a very dear friend recommended this place and I do trust their judgement completely, so here I am.”

“A very dear friend, huh?” The man laughed, ignoring the child abandonment part. “Do you happen to like this friend of yours?”

“I’m not sure,” Sirius said, trying to hide his blush, “he is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, but-”

“It’s a he?” The man grew still, like he was trying to make sense of something unthinkable. Suddenly, he turned to Sirius, but there wasn’t anger or hate in his face, just confusion. “Are you gay?”

Sirius gaped, unsure about what to answer. He didn’t want to get hate crimed in his first therapy session.

“Gosh, sorry, that’s wrong of me to ask, isn’t it?” The man brushed his tired face with hands, a defeated posture taking over him. “My kid is also like that, you know? He was given some shit about it last year, but I… I have trouble understanding it.”

“What is it to understand? Your son likes to kiss blokes, there isn’t much else,” Sirius said, forgetting politeness. 

“I know, I know… But he also likes girls, so he’s just halfway gay.”

“You mean he’s bisexual?” Sirius guessed. “Or maybe pan, or-”

“Yes! That, bisexual,” the man confirmed. “I- well, my parents were very conservative and I never… ” He paused for a moment, rethinking his words. “My brother is gay as well. I know he has somewhat of a boyfriend, but he’s scared to tell me. I don’t want to make the people I love afraid, kid. I know I’ve made mistakes, but I don’t know how to make it right.”

“Maybe you could start by telling them that,” Sirius suggested. 

“Hope would know what to do, she was always the smart one.” He laughed dryly.

Sirius nodded, unsure about what to reply.

"My kid is just like her, sometimes it hurts to even talk to him. They speak the same, he got his sophisticated culture from her. And what if I make things worse?” he said. 

“You won’t make things worse, trust me. The best option is always to come clear. I’m sure he wants to get you back as much as you want him.” Sirius wondered how he would react if Walburga decided to apologize some day. It’s too late for her, he thought, but maybe it wasn’t too late for the man next to him.

“You’re right,” he admitted, “it’s just very new to me.”

“Maybe you should stop focusing so much on how it affects you and start realizing how it affects your son,” Sirius said. The frustration wasn’t directed to the man, it wasn’t fair of him. “I’m sorry, I guess I also need to come here.” He said, gesturing to the waiting room.

“No, again, you’re absolutely right,” the man declared, a shine of determination appearing in his dark brown eyes. “I will be better, for- for Moony.” 

A small smile appeared in the man’s lips, infused with past longing. Sirius, on the other hand, was sure he had heard that wrong.

“Moony? Did you just say Moony?” he rushed, his nervous energy returning with full force. There was no way this random man knew Moony. Moony was his, Moony lived in his inbox. He had no right to say his name.

“Well, yeah,” the man said, taken aback. “My wife used to call my son Moony, a private joke they had. I never dared to use their nickname, but maybe it’s about time.”

“What?” Sirius shrieked, in a too high voice. This was Moony’s dad. Moony, who had a whole life outside his texting with Padfoot, who had a story, and a family, and a dead mum. Moony, who had sent his father to therapy and in the same fucking day Sirius had an appointment. It was difficult to grasp.

“His real name isn’t Moony, obviously,” the man - Moony’s dad - continued. Before Sirius had a chance to answer, the man explained: “he’s called Remus, but they had this whole joke about a midnight scape-”

Remus. Moony was called Remus. He knew another Remus. Remus wasn’t a common name. There weren’t many Remuses in London. Could it be his Remus? 

There was no way Moony, Mamma Mia obsessed Moony, was the same person that had despised Sirius since the first day. The person that had forgiven him, that had slept next to him, only to run away the next morning. Remus just couldn’t be Moony, because Moony liked Padfoot while Remus now hated him. Of course, because he was a love-sick puppy, Sirius had entertained the idea of Remus Lupin and Moony being the same person, dreaming about what it would be like for the two boys he loved the most to happen to be one. He had imagined Moony confessing he was Remus, had imagined Remus telling him about his secret nickname. But, in real life, it just wasn’t possible.

The unkempt man by his side had to be lying, messing with him. Maybe Snape had paid him, determined to make Sirius’ life a living hell. But there wasn’t any malevolence in the worried look the man - Moony’s dad - was giving him. The look Remus’ dad was giving him.

“Lupin?” Sirius said, in a fragile voice.

“Yes? I’m Lyall, Lyall Lupin,” the man replied with never-ending confusion.

For the hundredth time, Sirius tried to find flaws in his most stretched theory. The feeling of safety wasn’t the only thing Moony and Remus had in common: they played the guitar, they liked Taylor Swift, they were insufferable snobs. Moony had talked about lotus, just like the moonlight confession Sirius had told Remus. Moony had talked about studying history, similar to the pitch-black revelation Remus had said surrounded by old costumes. They were students in the same school, with access to the dressing room and with the chance to find his notebook, due to their assistance in drama class.

Why Sirius hadn’t wanted to realize the truth before was simply because the disillusion if it turned out to be wrong would be too crushing to survive. He didn't have to choose between Moony or Remus any more; the only vital decision was whether he’d be brave enough to jump.

Sirius was fucked. He managed a concerned smile, filled with possibilities. 

***

Remus Lupin was also fucked, but for different reasons. Brenda and Joseph, his former friends, were standing in front of him under the dim glowing of the street lights. There were barely any cars in the car park and the other drama students had already left; the three of them were essentially alone. 

“Joseph?” Remus muttered. He had no right being here.

“Hi, Remus,” Joseph answered in that deep voice of his. When they were younger, they believed that earth-shattering voice would get their songs to world-wide success. Remus hated that voice now.

“What are you doing here?” In my brand-new start, Remus wanted to say. 

“We need to talk to you, Remus,” Brenda whispered, with unknowing selfishness. 

“Have you considered that maybe I don’t want to?” Remus replied. He didn’t care about his childish attitude, they had no fucking right, for god’s sake. Brenda and Joseph shared a look; they used to do that a lot when Remus and Jonathan hung around them. Remus had had enough, he turned to the sidewalk and began to walk to the nearest Tube station.

“We deserve everything you yell at us, but please… ” Joseph said, trailing behind, “let us explain-”

“There is nothing to explain, Joseph”. Remus cut him off. “You could have helped me; you didn’t! I don’t know what part of “I block you on all social media” you didn’t grasp, but you aren’t my friend any more.”

“And we’ll forever live with that burden,” Brenda said. “But we want to help you now, Remus, we’d love to be there for you in any way we can-”

“Why did you come here?” Remus said, without slowing down. He didn’t believe any of this bullshit.

“To apologize-”

“To get rid of your guilt,” Remus said. “You feel bad for being terrible friends, and you want to ease your consciousness. Well, don’t count me in on that.”

“Yes, we made a mistake,” Joseph agreed, “And we absolutely deserve your rage. But we also want to make it up to you.”

“How did you find me?” Remus asked.

“Madame Pomfrey told us,” Brenda explained. That shocked Remus. Madame Pomfrey was an agent of good, she would never do anything to hurt him. And this - seeing Brenda and Joseph again, in the flesh - was hurting. Not in a raw open way, more like the reminding of an old wound, but hurting nonetheless. The last time he had seen them was in an auditorium echoing with hate. When you had trusted someone so much, their lack of aid was a punch you never saw coming. Joseph could have been his life vest, instead, he became the blow that overthrew him.

“Please, Remus,” Joseph continued, “just- listen to us, to what we have to say. If you still want to cut us out, we’ll respect that decision.”

Remus didn’t answer, but decreased his speed. Brenda and Joseph took that opportunity to walk by his side.

“We were cowards, deeply uneducated cowards, and we weren’t able to see how horrible the situation had become. After the, erm, auditorium incident, we were too embarrassed to address you-”

“Too embarrassed? You know how much I’d have appreciated if you had-”

“Yes! We know! But back then we thought the best was to not get involved,” Joseph hurried to clarify, “it was a bad decision and the fault falls completely on us. You were never in the wrong, Remus.”

“After the school year ended and you didn’t show up any more, we realized the gravity of the situation,” Brenda said, real regret on her face, “we were absolute morons.”

Remus nodded, unconvinced. 

“The damage is already done, though. And I’m still not sure what you want from me,” he said. Remus was surprisingly proud of how calmly he was handling the situation. Truthfully, after the therapy treatment he had got, he had left Wales almost feeling like the incident had happened to someone else, and he had only been a simple observer. Now, that detached sensation was fading. Brenda and Joseph shared another look. There was a fragile hesitation in their eyes, but was overthrown by a sudden determination.

“Actually, there is a reason - apart from the obvious - to why we’re here,” Joseph admitted. Obviously. Remus rolled his eyes. “Jonathan-”

Joseph paused for a moment, waiting to see how Remus would react to hearing that name, one of the orchestrators of Remus’ pain. Remus kept his eyes ahead, refusing to acknowledge it. Of course, Joseph had only cared about Jonathan all this time.

“Well, Jonathan had a hard time dealing with Christian’s statement, but after you moved out, and he talked deeply with his brother, that stubborn ass realized his mistake.” Joseph took a deep breath. “He’s suing the school.”

“What?”

“Jonathan and Madame Pomfrey are filing a case against the St Edmund All-Boys School for harassment, bullying and homophobia.

“He cannot do that.”

“He for sure can try, that’s what he’s doing.”

Remus stopped dead in his tracks. This was all surreal: little old demon Jonathan was suing an education institution because he felt guilty for being a bad friend. Remus had been convinced he had left all that drama behind.

“Is this a prank?” he mumbled, but there wasn’t a flicker of mockery in Brenda and Jonathan’s eyes.

“You know it isn’t, Remus,” she said, “they have plenty of evidence, and Jonathan isn't afraid of a potential punishment.”

“Why didn’t he come himself, then?” Remus wondered, frustrated. 

“He’s embarrassed, didn’t want to face you,” Joseph admitted, “also, they are pretty busy with paper work, finding willing lawyers and queer-suportive organizations who can fund it. There are a couple of them who are willing to help. Madame Pomfrey has also been of great help.”

“But, why?” Remus was overwhelmed. 

 “Justice is needed,” Joseph shrugged, “and they could really use your testimony.”

“That’s why you came? To convince me to go back and testify for your bollocks petition?” Remus said, incredulous. 

“Partly, yes,” Joseph said, “if you don’t want to get involved that’s completely fine.” He finally met Remus’ stare, with a devilish spark. “But don’t you want revenge?”

“Justice,” Brenda interrupted, “we’re looking for justice, not revenge.”

“But maybe you could even get a sum from it,” Joseph said, excited, “some extra money, if it works out well.”

Extra money, Remus could really use that. But, could he trust Brenda and Joseph? Jonathan hadn’t shown up, all the information he was getting was from the same people who had done nothing to help him when they had the chance. Why go out of their way now?

“After the harassment you received, you were the one expelled, Remus,” Joseph reminded him, “there are some videos of the Spring School Play and none of the teachers - apart from Madame Pomfrey - did nothing. The people we’ve talked with are very optimistic, and they would love to meet you.”

“Again, why? Why would you do this?”

“It’s what’s fair. And, maybe, after, you could consider giving us another chance.” Joseph smiled weakly at him. Remus knew that smile like the back of his hand. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t missed it deeply. 

“Alright,” he said, after a pause, “do you want to come back to my place, so we can discuss, well, everything.”

There was nothing fake or evil in the hopeful nods Brenda and Jonathan gave in return.

***

[Potter]

hey james

wait, lily?

do you need anything? 

i mean yes, kind of

i want to talk

oh sure!

what do you want to talk about?

i honestly don’t know how to say this. I guess i just want to apologize

for what?

i was very rude in the hospital and said things i shouldn’t’ve

i’m sorry, i blamed you for things that weren’t your fault and it took me too long to address it

oh wow it’s alright, lily

it’s been over a year now, and i did have some part to blame

i should’ve stopped messing with Snape and controlled Sirius. i also shouldn't have let the girls take sides 

you were the one that suffered the most, lily

shut up dumbass, you literally went to the hospital

and the girls had the right to be angry, snape was very gross to them and i didn’t stop it when i had the chance. Just wanted to make clear i don’t support his actions at all, and i’m sorry you got hurt

It’s fine, honestly

thanks for saying this lily

how is remus btw?

he’s fine, needed time to think

he told me something about a misunderstanding with sirius, but i’m sure he’ll sort it out

really? Sirius didn’t say a word, just kept hanging in the greenhouse by himself moping for the whole week. “Self-care” my ass

i swear he’s a complete mess

omg remus is the same!

he’s been looking for sirius all week, you could see the disappointment when he didn’t find him

wait, so remus likes sirius?

i mean, it’s complicated

i think he doesn’t want to, but he does. He was so eager to jump on an alternative explanation that didn’t paint sirius like the bad guy

don’t tell anything to anyone or i'll kill you

I swear i won’t, if you don’t tell anyone sirius has been head over heels for remus since he saw him

lol yeah i noticed

he really isn’t subtle is he?

nah, you have to pay attention to him to notice, really

so, you’ve been paying attention to sirius?

no

not at him, exactly :)

haha

so who is the lucky one?

i swear to god

you don’t have to tell me, it’s okay, i don’t know why i asked

holy shit

is it remus lily? It’s fine if it’s remus, i get it, he’s dreamy

you gotta be kidding me

I’m sorry, none of my business, i get it haha

you are the most clueless person i know bloody hell

haha

it’s you dumbass

i’ve been paying attention to you

oh, why?

i can’t tell if you’re messing with me or not

lily i swear i haven’t bothered snape at all, i don’t do that anymore

you don't have to worry or keep watch or whatever

james, do you find me pretty?

what

do you think i’m pretty?

yes

yes, i do, i find you very pretty

why?

c’mon evans what do you want from me

i find you very pretty as well

oh

really?

yes, and i don’t

you said i would regret it, but i don’t

regret what?

you know what

the kiss

yes, the kiss

you don’t?

i don’t

what does this mean, lily?

it means i was lying when i said that i had hated you since day one

i didn’t, i really didn’t

would you like to go out with me, lily evans?

yes, i would love too, james potter

lily i’m literally sobbing omg you’re so precious and smart and perfect

shut up you’re literally hogwarts’ golden boy

we could repeat that kissing part, since you liked it so much

sure, if you can handle it

bloody hell evans

;)

please why are you acting like sirius, it’s scary

HGSJGDAGHJGDKHSADJ

i don’t think remus would agree with you on that one, i’m sure he doesn’t find it scary at all

lmaoo yes do you want to play matchmakers?

i don’t think it’s morally correct, james

they should solve things out on their own, it might just be worse if we interfere

yes, you might be right

what? no! wtf yes let’s absolutely do that

god i love you

i know you do ;)

please stop

***

Sirius was done waiting, and so he shouted as he exited the white room, leaving Lyall Lupin behind, looking for the man’ offspring. It was late already, Remus must have got home by now, and the realization that he didn’t know where Remus lived hit him as hard as the ball at the party. Sirius would have to do a bit more waiting, apparently, so he tried to catch his breath once again and created a plan of action. He sat on an occupied bench in front of the therapist's office.

“If bloody Snape hadn’t stood in the way, I would know where Moony lived, since I would have accompanied him home with Widgy!” Sirius complained, tragically loudly, to the uncomfort of his bench neighbour. It was a short black man in the middle of devouring an early-night chocolate croissant. 

“Are you okay?” the man asked, hesitant between continuing with his prior task or comforting a random stranger.

“Ugh! No, I’m not!” Sirius cried, “my crush happens to be my other crush, and they both hate me now! And I don’t know where they live!”

“That sucks,” the man agreed, “if it makes you feel better, my crush sent me to pick up his probably homophobic brother because he has to deal with an amateur suing from some former Welsh bullies.”

“What?”

“I don’t understand it either, but I’m pretty sure they just invited themselves overnight. It was supposed to be our couple alone-time.” The man sighed, defeated.

“At least you have a partner, I’m sure I’ll be alone forever ,” Sirius replied, taking a bite of the man’s croissant without asking for permission. The man frowned at him.

“Okay, enough, why am I talking to a prepubertal over-energized thief?” Sirius couldn’t retain his smile.

“C’mon! You know I’m a grown, over-energized thief! And, says the old man cockbloked by junior lawyers, waiting to get hate-crimed on a bench!” He replied, to the man’s delight.

“You are one talkative bastard,” he laughed. “I have faith in you, I bet you’ll win your crushes’ heart. And, if you don’t, no is no pal.”

“Thanks, random oldie,” Sirius said, “I have faith you’ll survive your chauffeur experience.”

“Matthew, by the way,” the man said, hesitantly smiling.

“Sirius Black,” the other replied.

“Hm, sounds familiar.”

“Maybe because of Orion Black, the politician?”

“No, I don’t think so,” Matthew replied. “Anyway, you should go to sleep now, it’s past nine. Go tomorrow and pursue your true love or whatever.”

“That actually seems wise,” Sirius agreed. At the end of the day, he had no way to immediately find out where Remus lived, absolutely none. It was a shame. The best option was to go to the Potter’s house for now, he would reach out to Remus - Moony! - in the morning. Sirius stood up, shaking Matt’s hands.

“Nice meeting you, croissant man.”

“Same to you, Star-Lord.”

“Haha, funny. I don’t really like Marvel.”

“Me neither.”

Sirius began to walk away, gesturing his goodbye. He had liked Matt, he hoped they would cross paths again. It seemed unlikely. He blew a kiss at the man and the bench and continued his running, now headed towards home. He could text Moony, of course, but something in him - probably his sappy romantic side - wanted to tell Remus the truth in person. The rejection would also hurt more, for sure, but for the first time in the past week Sirius was feeling optimistic. 

***

Although Remus was usually a tea drinker, that morning he swallowed down a heavy cup of coffee without second thoughts. After being up until late clarifying the plan his former friends had come up with, he needed all the energy he could get. Especially, after receiving a message from Lily urgently saying they had been invited to some other party in the Potter’s mansion. He had almost ignored it, remembering how awful the last one turned out to be, but the thought of seeing Sirius again outpowered his angsty mood. He cursed himself for feeling this way, because Sirius was definitely out of the table, and even he had trouble believing he only wanted to clarify things over and ignore the bloke for the rest of the night. The fact that Padfoot had decided to pretend Remus didn’t exist wasn’t doing wonders to help his masochist mood. 

Brenda and Joseph had stayed over but had left early to catch some train back to Wales. He tried not to overthink it, but the fact they had spent a big deal of money on travelling to come and apologize in person was rather sweet. Not that they could have texted, he had them blocked, but still. 

He replied to Lily, saying he would go but leave early, and moved over to his desk: it was homework time! Remus had managed to finish his literary commentary about some Romantic poem claiming death was the only way out when he heard some light knocks on his door. Lyall appeared behind it, wearing clean clothes and a hesitant frown. It was the most sober Remus had seen him since Hope’s death.

“Hey kid,” he said, indecisive whether to come in or stay at the door frame. Remus gave him a light nod, and the man entered, standing slowly in the middle of the small bedroom. 

“Hi,” he said again. Remus realized he was supposed to answer, this was a conversation. 

“Hello.” Good one, Lupin. Lupin Junior? Lyall seemed to be regretting everything. “So, how was therapy yesterday? Tobey told me you met Matt.”

“Yes,” Lyall replied. “Nice fella.”

“Yes, he’s nice,” Remus agreed. “So, any comments on it?”

“No! Of course not!” Lyall almost shouted. This was weird, they never talked. Usually it was just Remus just telling him some ordinary updates on his day, without waiting for a willing answer. 

“Alright? He’s a close friend to Tobey, so don’t be rude to him.” Remus was surprised to see a flicker of genuine hurt on his father’s eyes.

“That’s- That’s what you think of me, isn’t it?” He clenched his fists. “I’m not a moron, kid, I know they are, you know-”

“Gay?”

“Yes. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay with you being-”

Remus tried to suppress his astonishment. He knew his father wouldn’t say anything directly homophobic to him, but hadn’t expected for him to say this words either.

“Gay?” he asked, accepting the olive branch.

“No, bisexual,” Lyall grunted in response. “You are bisexual. Stop it with the hanging mouth, Remus, I wasn’t born in the 19th Century.”

“Oh, alright,” Remus mumbled, “I just- I never got the feeling you would-”. There was a tight pause, Remus leaving the sentence unfinished because the rest would only hurt his father. Or more probably himself. 

“I’m sorry,” Lyall said, unclenching his fists. He was still tense.

“I- You don’t have to apologize, I-”. Remus was in desperate need of words.

“Yes, I have,” Lyall finally said, sitting in Remus’ bed, “I’m sorry I haven’t done my job right. You deserve better. I’m glad you found Tobey.”

The right words got stuck in his throat, and Remus found himself without the ability to reply. He looked down at his scarred hands, searching for the answer in his bitten nails. The green nail polish had faded, leaving his fingers as naked as his heart. He had learnt long ago never to rely on his father, but now that tough defence was fading as well. A lot of them were, lately. First, Sirius, then Joseph and now this. Maybe Lyall wanted an assuring answer, telling him he had done his best - and maybe he had - but Remus couldn’t deny Tobey had been the real pillar in this nightmare, as much as Madam Pomfrey. 

“I don’t blame you,” he finally said. Lyall looked up; he had been staring at his shaking hands as well. “I do wish you had been there, but I don’t blame you. You were fighting your own monsters. I’m glad you’ve restarted that fight again.”

Lyall nodded, focused. “I’ll fight. I promise.” He looked down again, bracing to prove he wasn’t a cowardly lost cause to his disenchanted son. “I love you, Remus,” he whispered. It might be the first time Remus had heard those words. They sounded like the sweetest honey, coming from his father’s frowning lips. 

“I love you, too,” Remus replied. It was a delightful surprise to find out he truly meant it. 

Lyall Lupin smiled back at his son, thanking one and a million uncountable times that dark-haired fidgety angel he had met at the dreaded waiting room, the one who had encouraged him to get his boy back. And maybe his brother, while he was at it.

***

The responsibility of organizing the Getting-Remus-Back party had fallen on James’ shoulders, and he wasn’t messing it up. He had only needed to see Sirius’ hopeful grin when he returned from therapy on Friday to realize not everything was lost. As he had done on the first one, James sent DM’s to the people he wanted to be there, and he trusted wouldn’t break all of his possessions. He had also asked the Prewett brothers to keep an eye on the door, making sure not a single snake managed to slither in this time. Lily had been more than willing to help, and they had spent their first alone-time going to the grocery store to buy supplies. Monty and Ephie had insisted on paying for everything, willing to make their new son smile once more. The party was on Sunday night, like last time, and the senior Potters had booked a room in a fancy hotel, not wanting to be there as the feeling ran high potentiated by the mild alcohol. No hard drinks had been the only condition, as well as to keep the greenhouse safe and not destroying the property.

Now James and Lily were laughing as they prepared the food table and chose a playlist, the unmentioned kissing dilemma hanging avidly between them. Although they were a couple of Year 13 students, they were acting like blushing 11-year-olds. The first guests surprised Lily and James while smiling stupidly at each other sharing a blue couch, the kissing issue still unresolved, to their dismay. All the bravery over texts had dissolved as soon as they shared a physical space. 

Sirius walked down the stairs not a while after, dressed in tight dark jeans and his favourite leather jacket. His white t-shirt had a bright full moon printed on it. He awkwardly moved to speak with James and Lily, but after a while left, sensing the third-wheeling. Mary, Marlene and Dorcas eyed astonished at the couple, baffled by the surprising turn of events. 

Remus still hadn’t arrived, supposedly having been given a ride by his uncle. Lyall would have wanted to do it, but they agreed it was better to wait for a while before he rode a car around London on his own. Recovery was not so far away, though, and that mixed with Jonathan’s suing had given the Lupin’s household a pervading cheerfulness. Maybe that was why Remus Lupin entered the dreaded Potter’s house with a sly grin, head up and ready to challenge anyone who stepped over the line. 

Sirius gulped down his anxious fondness, but didn’t dare to move over. Remus Lupin, his mostly beloved Moony, the person he absolutely and utterly adored, was standing barely a few yards away, impossible to grasp. He had truly believed he had understood the futility of the situation, but his inability to face Remus without being able to repress the raw need of kissing him stupid was too much to handle. He was getting a head-ache. Moony, because Remus was Moony, eyed him across the familiar living room, and Sirius lost all sense of self. Remus, because Moony was Remus, began to walk over, and Sirius wanted to scream, hide, touch his ever-beautiful face, but did neither of those. Instead, he remained still, hiding his longing hands in his jacket pockets and wishing for this unrequited love to go away. Because although Moony might have believed he fancied Padfoot, Remus certainly didn’t, and that just hurt . So damn much.

Remus, with all his tallness and graceful, stunning eyes, stood in front of him, letting Sirius run his needy eyes on all those features he would never be allowed to run his fingers over. To run his mouth over, in light, fleeting kisses, that kind you shared with someone you were certain was entirely yours.

“Hi,” Remus said. His face didn’t give anything away. This was cruelly unfair.

“Hi,” Sirius breathed, in a defeated tone. 

“I think we have to discuss some things over,” Remus mumbled, without meeting his eyes. “Maybe we should go somewhere quieter, this is starting to fill up.”

Sirius hadn’t even realized there was movement around, music blasting at full volume, dancing bodies surrounding them. The thought of being alone with Remus was infinitely more dangerous, but what was a new wave of pain compared with sharing a space with Moony?

“Sure,” he answered. He couldn’t manage to say anything else, so instead he gestured to the door and trusted Remus to follow him, walking through empty, immaculate corridors. They could’ve stayed there, but Sirius wasn’t ready to face Remus again so soon. Instead, he walked him up to the glorified greenhouse, bearer of cheered memories. Padfoot hadn’t prepared in the slightest to face Moony once they walked in, but at least he could pretend to stare at the plants instead of Remus’ confused and regretted face once he told him the truth. Because Sirius would tell him everything, even at the risk of losing his beloved friend, for the simple reason that Remus deserved that and more. There wouldn’t be any more hiding, any more lies.

Sirius sat on the red sofa they had occupied last time, Remus sitting next to him.

“This couch belonged to the Gryffindor Common Room when Hogwarts still had houses,” Sirius said, willing to break the heavy silence that had settled, “it was where Ephie and Monty shared their first kiss. They requested to take it when the houses were suppressed.”

“That’s sweet,” Remus whispered in return. He hugged himself and turned to face Sirius, focus taking control of his light frown. It was adorable, lovely, and worrying. “So, last week.”

“Yep, last week.” Sirius braced himself as well, prepared. (He really wasn’t).

“I don’t know if you- well, Snape, I-” Remus mumbled, “the thing is, I was kind of, let’s put it that I was tricked into believing you had been messing with me…”

“Oh God! Remus, I swear I wasn’t! I don’t know what Snape told you but I-”

“It’s fine, Sirius, just let me-”

“Yes! Yes, I’m sorry, I’ll let you talk.”

“Thanks.” Remus breathed in. “He told me you had been trying to seduce me, to play with my feelings, only to record us and mock me after. It sounds ridiculous, looking back, but since you lied about being drunk, I didn’t know what to think. Lily also told me about you and Snape’ history and how it was unlikely for you to be working together.”

Sirius nodded, eager, waiting for Remus to resume. He didn’t.

“I swear I wasn’t!” Sirius cried, “I would never hurt you like that, Remus. I know I messed up at first, but I wouldn’t risk you hating me again. And Snape can go fuck himself for all I care.”

Remus seemed taken aback. Something truly unreadable was clicking behind his calculating eyes, but Sirius wouldn’t dare to ask him what. 

“I believe you.” He stared intensely at his beautifully scarred hands, nail polish repainted. “I just don’t get it .”

“Get what?”

“ You .”

Sirius’ breath stuck in his throat, unable to process. Remus had finally looked up, and there was something remotely like painful longing in his breathtaking eyes. Sirius would tell him everything, nothing, whatever... He just wanted to get rid of that uncertain look, he could - wanted to - help Remus get him .

“What do you need to know?” Sirius breathed.

“Your deal, your goal - what do you want from me, Sirius?”

Everything, his heart whispered like a breaking symphony. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” he replied.

“I- I want to be on good terms with you, Sirius, I truly do. The smartest thing would be to become acquaintances and just nod at each other in the corridors. But, do you want that?”

“I-”

“Because you claim to be sorry, then tell me your deepest secrets only to pretend to have been drunk. We sang together, but the next morning I-”

“ You were the one who wanted us to be bros!”

“Because I thought you fancied Lily!”

“Lily? Why would I fancy Lily?” 

“I don’t know!” Remus hid his face behind his hands. Sirius tried to calm his pondering heart. He couldn’t be sure if it was due to their yells or because of how close Remus was bent. Sirius could clearly see the glistening ghost of Remus’ striking scars under the feeble golden artificial lights above them.

“I know I’ve also been secretive,” Remus whispered, “you just remind me so much of someone, and at the same time you’re nothing alike. And that’s the deal. I cannot read you, I cannot predict how you will act… I cannot get why you are so invested in me not hating you.”

Sirius wanted to laugh, to get rid of that inescapable feeling that this was important . That this was precious, and vital, and that he really shouldn’t break it. And maybe that was Sirius’ deal; he broke things, he was never careful enough.

“I cannot get why I’m so invested in finding never-ending ways to forgive you.” Remus murmured weakly.

But Sirius wouldn’t break this; because this was indeed important and vital, way more precious than anything he had ever deserved.

“I want you,” he said. Remus looked up, stricken by lightning. “I want anything you are willing to give me. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you.” Sirius failed to smile. 

“You- you like-?”

“Blokes? Yes. I’m gay.” Sirius admitted. It felt so good to say it out loud, to say it freely.

“I meant: you like me ?”

Remus seemed completely confused, not quite a rejection but worded as one. Sirius felt his cheeks turn an embarrassing shade of red, incapable of maintaining eye contact. He stood up, unable to take the mortifying proximity any more, and trailed far away from the couch. He just wanted to get away, to forget Remus even existed. Congrats, asshole, you’ve definitely broken it now! Maybe it was unfair, but it was all he could manage to do. Not only had Remus rejected him, but Moony, his deeply beloved Moony, had done it as well; it was a double blow. Sirius refused to tell Remus about Padfoot now; if he didn’t like Sirius, it would likely be a disillusion for him to find out about Padfoot’s identity.

Remus stopped his fleeting state by standing on his path. Not that Sirius would’ve gone any further away; the pond where the lotus sunk in the nearly gone sunset’s dim light was barely a yard down. He gestured to grab his shoulders but decided not to, taking a step back. 

“But Sirius, I thought you- I don’t get how-”

“It’s alright,” Sirius managed to get out. He was keeping the tears at bay for now, but the slightest strike would let the river free. 

“No, it’s not alright, I-”

“Let it go, Remus! Enough! You made it clear, you want to remain friends, I’m okay!” He definitely wasn’t okay. “I’m sorry I misread the signs.”

Remus finally grabbed his hand, in a hurried rush of courage.

“You didn’t.” 

“What?” It came out as a mix of a purely hysterical whisper and a lunatic laugh.

“You didn’t read the signs wrong. I do find you… attractive.” Remus put on a ghost of a smile. Sirius was fucked.

“Does that mean that you, maybe, slightly like me?”

“Maybe.” Remus admitted, suddenly shy. “I’ve got a lot of things on my plate right now. I’ll be honest, I do like you, I find you completely mesmerizing. But there is also someone else.”

Someone else? Could he be talking about Padfoot? Sirius wondered how unlikely it was for Remus to have fallen for even another bloke. Moony, Remus, this wonderful human in front of him, liked Sirius, both in text and in person. It was unbelievingly impossible but tragically beautiful nonetheless. It was an inexplicable miracle.

“Remus, I have to be honest with you as well,” Sirius managed to laugh, less painful this time. He couldn’t help but to smile wildly and truly, his heart roaring with affection. He took a step forward.

“Remus, I’m-”

Remus, like an instinct, took a step back at Sirius' approach. However, there wasn’t anything to step on, because behind them there was solely a glistening pond full of lotus flowers, the water painted with a blend of the fading sunset and the realm of the stars. Remus plummeted backwards, and, as a reaction, so did Sirius, because their hands were clasped tightly together, and they didn’t have time to retract. In the end, they had already fallen once, one more time it wouldn’t hurt.

Their bodies hit the water, creating an enormous wave of liquid to rise over the other end of the pond, coming back at them due to its force. It wasn’t deep, but profound enough so that they didn’t get hurt. The new wave brushed their faces, sinking them once more, since they were still laid down, hugging each other tightly. 

“Holy Shit!” Sirius laughed, smiling up at Remus, “Thank god the water isn’t cold!”

Remus let out a bark in response, it was utterly bewitching. 

“I thought you were less clumsy, Remus!” Sirius said again, wishing for Remus to keep smiling. “And less traitorous as well, you’d have drowned me with you!”

“I’m sorry!” Remus said, crinkling his amber eyes and showing those precious dimples. “I didn’t have time to react!”

“Yeah, sure, you sneaky bastard!” Sirius did an act of rising up, doing so by sinking Remus lower as a way to stand up. “Now we are even.”

Sirius eyed at Remus smugly, who had just emerged from underwater, a fake offended grim on his face. Sirius laughed wholeheartedly, but was soon interrupted by Remus grabbing his legs and pulling Sirius down, taking away his support, Sirius falling on his butt once more. When he was seated, his face only managed to pull over the surface. Remus sat by his side, sitting straight to be able to breath, lotus flowers and leaves, slightly ruined, floating around them. Sirius smiled stupidly, and Remus answered by splashing water at his face.

“Now we are even,” he mocked, and Sirius was a goner. 

“We are so not even,” Sirius frowned, but his wobbly smile wasn’t very intimidating.

“Is there any way I can make it up to you?” Remus whispered, evil, knowing damn well what he was doing. Sirius wanted to protest, to agree, to kiss him right there, but he had sworn to do this right and proper. To not break it.

“I’ve got a couple of things in mind,” Sirius purred, winking shamelessly, and slowly caressed Remus’ chest under the water. Remus grew still, and barely managed to gulp down his witty reply.

“Yeah?” he managed to say, and Sirius laughed once more. He moved to kneel in front of Remus, keeping his head over the water level, and moved his wet hair out of his face with a swift move, helped by his naked neck, that Remus really appreciated. He positioned his wet lips near Remus’, taking in the dark, eager expression in Remus’ alluring orbs. He smiled, as much as his mouth half-filled with water allowed him to, and directed the clear liquid in its full force to Remus’ face. 

“You’re the worst!” Remus cried, standing up and frowning at Sirius, who was dying under there due to his ugly snorts and giggles, his whole body taking part of the joy in uneven convulsions. 

“Your face!” He howled, “I’m sorry, but you were so turned on!”

“I was not !” Remus protested, walking out of the pond - with difficulties - and draining the water off his soaked clothes. Sirius followed him out and shook his head like a dog, drying the water from his hair with poor results. The pond was murky now, Ephie would be furious.

“Before we do anything, we have to go upstairs and get changed,” Sirius announced, taking Remus’ cold hand, “and I have to show you something, it’s of notable urgency.”

“What is it?” Remus trailed behind, copying his cheerful expression.

“Ah! You’ll see, but I promise you might probably like it.”

“That isn’t reassuring, at all.”

“La patience est une vertu!” Sirius replied, in a spot on French accent.

“That was very nice, do that again.”

Sirius just laughed in response, secretly proud, and guided Moony up the stairs to his bedroom. It now officially belonged to him, his private place, decorated with posters and photographs undeniably his. He hadn’t been able to get everything he amassed in his old Grimmauld’s Place room back, but Regulus had managed to rescue a few of his possessions. The moon shirt stuck to his skin, and Sirius took off the wet leather jacket, wondering if the water would damage the material. He threw a bunch of clean clothes at Remus; they would probably be too tight, but he wasn’t complaining. 

“Get changed, you’ll get a cold in those,” he instructed. Sirius, being used to getting changed in front of his friends, took off his shirt without a second thought. When he looked up, Remus was staring at him with a stunned face, breath hitching, looking at him in a way that sent shivers down Sirius’ spine. For a second, he was convinced Remus would cross the small space between them and kiss him deeply, in a dreamful passion; but he didn’t. Hell, Sirius almost jumped at Remus himself, but a sight of his own naked chest made him think about it twice. He had to take care of some issues beforehand. 

Once he did his little show at stripping and clothing himself once again, making sure Remus noticed his strong legs and smooth chest, he realized the other boy was still standing with the dry clothes in hand, unmoving.

“Are you going to put those one? I want to see you strip as well,” he joked. It wasn’t really a joke, though. He did want that. 

“Erm…” Remus looked around the room, not meeting Sirius’ eye, and bit his lip in deep thought. “Is there any way- Could I get changed in the bathroom?”

“Oh, sure,” Sirius replied, replacing his selfish disappointment with a sweet smile. “I’ll wait here, take all the time you need.” 

“Thanks. I mean- see you later, now?” he hurried to the bathroom door and locked the door, hiding his blush. “Be right back!”

Sirius smirked, satisfied. Remus liked him. Those words sounded as beautifully beyond belief as he had imagined. However, in an unthinkable turn of events,  they were true. The music from the music downstairs sounded muffled, and he sat up at his desk, preparing for when Remus came out.

[padfoot]

hi pads

You haven’t answered my email, so I'm assuming this is a definite rejection.

I don’t blame you, and I promise I'll move on, but I wouldn't want to lose our friendship. I f you want to keep this as casual friends, I'll be more than delighted, and if you want to stop talking it’s fine. Just, please don’t ignore me like this.

Ugh it sucks, you know? Cause i’ve got the most beautiful, kind, wild, funny boy ever out there and i can't concentrate because your presence is taking up most of the space in my mind. 

But, at the same time, there is nothing I'd like more than to just- kiss him. To just love him, give him a chance to be the one.

I’m sorry. I don’t know why I'm telling you this. I guess I just need to vent. You are my most prized confident, and I don't like the idea of losing this, whatever it is. Again, I’m sorry.

Can I at least tell you who I am? You don’t have to answer, I just need to give myself some closure? 

This sucks.

Come outside, Remus

Remus Lupin, sat in the same position as he was last time he had entered Sirius’ bathroom, almost dropped his phone at the text. Come outside? From where? Was this a veiled reference to grow up, to touch some grass? Was Padfoot saying he was delusional?

Come outside, Remus. How did Padfoot know his name? His heart was beating very fast, not solely from his excitement; was this fear? The horror that somehow Snape had managed to trick him once more through a secret text pal was almost too frightening to react. Panicking, he heard some light knocks on the wooden door. Remus eased his shaking hand, rotating his shoulders to adjust to the tight clothes Sirius had given him, and slowly moved to open the door. He’d keep that unsettling text in a pit of his mind for a while, ready to focus on Sirius Black once more. 

The boy in question was looking up at him with a blinding beam. Ugh, he loved how beautiful that grin was, all soft lips and warm curves. He’d think about that smile frequently these days, probably it was the first thing he had fallen for. Sirius caressed his face in an almost awestruck move, wonderstruck tenderness filling his grey storm eyes. Remus wondered how he could have thought those eyes were ever cold and calculating.

“Oh, Remus,” he whispered, and Remus couldn’t help but to blush at the adoration in his tone. Sirius Black actually liked him, Remus Lupin, which was something still difficult to comprehend. He had been aware that Sirius wanted to be his friend, and valued his opinion, but never on a romantic level. Although he didn’t know how to respond, he was certain he did fancy the bloke back, had for a while. It was a shocking revelation.

“Come here, I have to show it to you,” Sirius said, taking his hand, which he had done at least twice now and Remus happened to enjoy deeply. “I don’t know how I’ve waited so long, but I guess I wanted to do it in a very specific way. Sit down,” he instructed, and moved up to his desk. 

Remus eyed his own hands, still warm from Sirius’ touch, immersed in a tingling sensation. He was happy. Soon, the empty space was occupied by a dark notebook, worn and loved. How funny, Remus thought, Padfoot had the exact same. 

The exact same. Padfoot had the exact same. In rushed realization, Remus looked up to find Sirius staring at him in apprehensive agitation, waiting for it to sink in. Then, it did. With trembling hands, he opened it, to reveal the first page.

Don’t read this!!!!! Please :(

If you found this (for the record, it’s all fictional, i’m writing a novel, don’t believe anything you read) please return it to me!!!

My mail is: [email protected] thanks!! :)

No really don't read it, be a good person. 

Then, in a corner:

Padfoot happens to have a crush on Remus. In a romantic way. 

“How?” Remus pleaded, “Why do you have this?”

Sirius seemed immensely sad. He put on an insecure smile, and bit his lip, refusing to look at him. The necessity to meet those stormy eyes again was wilder than the miser need of air. Why would he focus on such a mundane thing as breathing, when his whole world was sinking in feral confusion?

Come outside, Remus

Of course. Of course. Was this a fever dream or could Sirius be- 

No, there was simply no way… A mosaic of shared memories went through his mind, theories twirling like a kaleidoscope, neglected casualties and interconnections being enlightened with a magnificent combination of colours.

But what did this certitude even convey? Where did Sirius and Remus, Padfoot and Moony stand in the middle of this erratic madness?

“I really, really, really do fancy you, Moony,” Sirius answered, taking his panicking face between his lovely hands, “I don't know what philanthropic grand gesture I’ve done to deserve this, but I’ll be forever thankful to whoever was kind enough to make my miracle reality.”

“But- Why didn’t you just say so? Answer to my email?”

“I was scared, didn’t know how to.” Sirius finally met Remus’ pleading stare. “I was scared you would hate the real me.”

“How could I hate you, Sirius?” 

“You once did.” Remus almost sobbed.

“I didn’t. I wanted to, so much. But I didn’t. You were so enchanting, I couldn’t even convince myself I did.”

“But you had reasons to. And I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you, I’ll give you everything .”

“Oh, Sirius, you could just start by kissing me-” 

Remus didn’t finish his own sentence, because Sirius jumped on his lap, grabbing him by the collar of his neck and pulling him close, so close his mouths were almost touching in an expectant jittery way. 

“God, tu es ma lune, Moony.” Sirius closed his eyes, smiling absurdly.

“I meant what I said, I can learn to get rid of my spikes for you, Padfoot,” Remus whispered back, and the name sounded oh so wonderful between his lips, the sweetest sound. Sirius lightly licked Remus’ bottom lip, smiling mischievously, and bit it tenderly.

“I still think you seem cool.”

“Yeah?”

“You can’t even imagine. It was you all along, Remus.”

Remus collided their lips together, without missing a beat, and everything came crashing at once. The frightened boy who hated his parents, who screenshotted their emails, who dreamed of building a motorcycle and used “anyway” when he was doubting himself was kissing him on his lap, lips as soft as he had dreamed, with the face of someone who he had fancied since the moment he saw. The hottest guy in school, popular, and loved, and dramatic; Sirius Black, who was the life of the party, had grown a pond of lotus flowers (almost) by himself, who rode a painted bike called Widgy.

Who was sweet, and smart, and talented, and, for some odd turn of fate, fancied him back. The boy who wrote intimate confessions in an old notebook.

And was a great kisser, holy shit. Sirius had managed to insert his eager tongue in Remus’ mouth and was doing wonders in there, Remus quickly reciprocating. It was a cataclysm of sensations, extremely pleasant ones, for the matter, and it all ended way too soon. Sirius pulled back, containing the brightest star in the sky trapped in his eyes.

“So, do you fancy me back, then?” he said, beaming.

“You dumbass, of course I do.” Remus eyed the forgotten notebook next to him, since his hands had quickly travelled to Sirius’ waist. “When did you find out it was me?”

“I encountered your dad at the therapist you, Moony, recommended,” he replied, marvelled to even say those words.

“Oh. Did you like him?” Remus asked, wishing his dad hadn’t said anything embarrassing.

“I mean, he was fine, not as hot as you. Although he did have that mature dilf vibe going on,” he replied, dead serious (lol). “I could probably pull him off.”

“Asshole, you know what I meant” Remus said, and Sirius lightly kissed his forehead in response. “Did he… behave himself?” 

“Don’t worry, he was fine. I think I helped him understand some important values.” Remus nodded, calmer. A sombre realization struck him. “How about you? You missed school all week!”

“You were looking for me? Moony, I didn’t know you cared that much!”

“Of course I was looking for you!” Remus couldn’t hide his blush now, Sirius’ face mere inches away. “I was worried.”

“I was kicked out.”

Remus grabbed his face tightly, pulling closer, a terrified look on his wide opened eyes. 

“God, Sirius, are you okay? Do you live here now?”

“Yep, at Jamie’s house. I think it’s for the best.” He tried to smile.

“I’m so glad you got out of there.” Remus hugged him hard, their chest bumping into each other, and Sirius felt utterly safe. “Why didn't you tell me sooner? I want to know every bad thing that happens to that sorry ass of yours from now on.”

“It isn’t your fault, Moony.” They both smiled at the nickname.

“I should’ve been there.”

“You are here now.” Moony nodded, assuring.

“And I’m not going anywhere any time soon,” he declared. He paused, looking for something in Sirius’ stare. He probably found it, because he smiled sweetly. “What do you want to do with… this?”

“This?”

“I’d like to give us a chance, Padfoot. I want to learn to take care of you.” He didn’t mention it, deep down he was talking about learning to love him. Nevertheless, the word was ancient and powerful, and they were too young to use it yet.

“That would be a daydream, Remus.” He kissed him, barely a peck, but it was altogether meaningful. The bedroom was silent for a moment, both of them too focused on each other to realize that the song currently playing was Begin Again . Then, a smirk. “So when did you find out you were heads over heels for me, mister?”

Remus pretended to consider it for a moment. It was an act, but he had recently found out he still had quite a gift for performing. All the same, he didn’t have to pretend in front of Sirius.

“Well, when I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful human being I had ever laid my bare mortal eyes onto. Then, you opened your damn mouth and ruined it.” Sirius smashed his shoulder lightly, playfully, suppressing a pleased smile. “Four months later, after the party, I started realizing how much I’d enjoyed sharing a bed with you. Then, Snape opened his damn mouth and ruined it.” Sirius snorted rather loudly.

“How about Padfoot?” he asked, smiling bright.

“I’m not sure. Always enjoyed his company, and at some point I started wishing I could be his companion.” Remus smirked back. “How about you?”

“Ugh, since forever. Remus, since the first day. Moony, since like the third email.”

“Can’t help to have such an irresistible personality.”

“Your looks also help,” Sirius purred, creating a line of feather-like kisses over Remus’ scars.

“Alright, enough,” Remus laughed, standing up and letting Sirius fall into his bed. “I’d love to resume this snogging session as soon as possible, but first I think I should tell Lily. She’ll be livid if I suddenly disappear and don’t warn her I’ll spend the night here.”

“You will?” Sirius seemed like a kid on Christmas Day.

“If that’s okay with you, yes.”

“If it’s okay- It’s absolutely wonderful Moony, that is!” Sirius jumped off the bed and followed him out, ready to be his shadow and remind him constantly of the “wonderful” destiny that awaited them upstairs. 

“I think she might be quite busy, though,” Sirius started, as they trailed down the stairs. “You should have seen her and James all afternoon, god, they were acting like horny-”

Sirius was cut off because there, on the stair’s feet, hidden behind a distastefully huge houseplant, were Lily and James, making out like a couple of horny teens. His hands in her fiery hair, his glasses forgotten on the floor, and-

“Bloody Hell, Prongs, is that my silk shirt?” 

So that was Prongs. Lily jumped back, startled, cheeks deep red that matched James’ own blushing. Sirius stomped down, unfazed, pointing at his best friend with an accusing finger.

“You know it’s my favourite fancy shirt, and you are wearing it while snogging a girl .”

“Lily isn’t just a girl!”

“I would barely call it snogging…”

“Lily, please, don’t further embarrass yourself,” Sirius continued. “I’ll let it pass, only because I’m glad you solved the evident sexual tension and because I’ve got some snogging to do myself, but let it be the last time! Lily, Remus is staying over, I assume you’ll do the same.”

And with that, he trailed up the stairs once again and grabbed Remus’ hand, who was eyeing at them deeply amused. Lily and him shared an accusing stare, accompanied by an approving look and finally a satisfied smirk. Lily winked at him and returned her attention to James Freakin’ Potter who seemed to be in an eternal bliss. 

Remus, on the other hand, followed his lover upstairs, his heart heavy with euphoria. Sirius, Padfoot, the boy he had completely fallen for, and who was still plummeting in a perpetual free-fall for, smiled at him with those delightful eyes of his. Remus embraced fully his étoile , smiling at his new beginning, his new chance at love. And, although he wouldn’t dare to call it love , yet, he utterly adored Sirius Black, his own ethereal dark-haired nightmare, and got lost in his lotus fragrance without looking back. 

***

[padfoot <3]

wait you never told me about your nickname

lol noob

sirius.

alright. peter, prongs and i used to pretend we were superheroes. padfoot was my superhero name because i was a giant black dog. i still have the costume and some drawings. no, i absolutely wont show them to you. I’ll not further explain.

oh my godness

you’ll absolutely do

you don’t think it’s cringey?

i think it’s absolutely adorable

oh, then wait until you find about about wormtail’s betrayal and my villain origin story ;)

what have i done

you love me, tho ;)

i do. i really do

***

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

SIRIUS

We won Pads! WE WON

We're coming back tomorrow, can you tell Tobey we're staying the night? Dad and I'll catch a train tomorrow, we're staying at Jonathan's, since the hotel is already all booked.

Also, Poppy owns the coolest motorcycle, and she's willing to sell it to us! It's a total bargain, when I get back we can talk about it. You'd have to get a helmet, though, you can forget about all those hair-flying-on-the-wind fantasies.

I miss you so much, can't wait to see your stupid face again.

Moony

PD: Poppy tells me to tell you she says hello. She's been bugging about meeting you since I showed her your picture.

PD2: I love you.

PD3: We won!!