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“Why did you do it Felix?”
“Why did I do what?”
“Why did you jump in front of the sea?”
“I didn’t jump.”
Felix boarded the express bus already knowing how his day would unravel. When he arrived at their meeting place he waited patiently, playing in his head what he would do while here, the last things he would say to his friends. He watched the traffic on the long bridge across the river, his head surprisingly calm. Today his brain didn’t decide to bombard him with anxiety, with questions like do you have your house keys? when he had checked at least six times already that yes he had brought the house keys with him and no they didn’t mysteriously disappear from the pouch inside his bag in the last thirty seconds. He also had his wallet and his pen and his water bottle and his lunch and like always, they were still there.
Seungmin was the first to arrive. It was a bit awkward, at least that is what his head always told him. He didn’t feel comfortable being alone with a single person even if they were close friends because there would always be some awkward pauses of silence that Felix didn’t know how to fill without feeling like he was oversharing. They made some small talk and then Seungmin focused on his book while he focused on the horizon, his foot jumping up and down because of his lack of ability to sit still. He groaned inside his head when Seungmin told him that Jisung and Hyunjin would be late because they missed the train.
Felix sighed in relief when he saw Seungmin wave at the pair in the distance after a suffocating hour of silence. Some things would never change, he guesses he will never feel comfortable being with someone in total silence no matter their relationship or how much in every other occasion he usually loved silence.
Jeongin arrived not long after and for the first time in quite a while Felix felt like he could breathe. The last time he felt so alive was long ago when they all got together after months of not seeing each other. They had all met in university and it had been them that saved him unknowingly. His friends were his lifeline, the only thing that made him truly feel like a person and not simply a puppet to be used at one’s discretion.
When the day was coming closer to an end and the hour to get on his bus back approached he gave them each a hug and thanked them. They had been a bit weirded out by it since it was somewhat out of character for Felix to do such a thing but he brushed it off as being because it had been almost a year since the last time they all got together.
He waved at them with a smile on his face for the last time as he caught the suburban train to get to the bus station. The PSA’s robotic voice announced which lines were which buses that would take them to their desired destinations. Felix ignored it, choosing to focus on the monitor with the exact same information since he knew his brain would struggle to follow the automated voice that spoke too fast yet too slow at the same time.
He boarded the bus that would take him on a familiar route however a different destination from his usual one.
“Let me rephrase the question. Why did you stand in front of the sea Felix?”
“So I could drown. But there was only one problem.”
“What was it?”
“I know how to swim.”
The moment he put one foot out of the bus he could immediately smell the ocean, feel the turbulent wind on his hair. He walked about five minutes following the sound of waves crashing in the air until the view in front of him opened, morphed from tall buildings to smooth sands and endless water.
Felix hates the beach but he loves the sea, loves the way it is so calm but ruthless, of how serene and full of life, of how deadly it can be. He doesn’t exactly hate the beach, he just hates how he feels trapped when his parents force him to come with them to spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing. They can easily fall asleep and just enjoy laying down but for Felix those days were torture, the thoughts in his head never stop racing, he is cold but hot at the same time, he is bored out of his mind and he can’t focus on books or even games, he can’t stand still but his legs and head won’t let him move.
After turning off his phone he sat down on the sand, trying to push those thoughts to the side when he knew it would be a futile task. He imagined when one was about to kill himself that there would be some semblance of peace inside his mind, of relief. However all he felt was remorse, anger, sadness.
He sat there for some time breathing in the humid air the wind brought from the rippling waves and the smell of dried fish from the racks far to his right. There were still a lot of people walking behind his back on the sidewalk enjoying the beautiful sunset while the sand was almost empty if not for the gulls and the occasional passerby. It was quite a crowded place usually, the beach famous for its giant waves perfect for surfers and how wild these waters can be.
Felix was absolutely enamored with the place no matter how many times he has come here before. He only swam on these waters once and felt their strength, felt the tides luring him in. It had scared him at the time when he came here with his brother Chan and Chan’s childhood friend Minho who doted on him like Felix was his own younger brother. He smiled at those memories as he took off his sneakers.
There is a little sealed white envelope that could have stayed in his bag but that for some reason Felix decided to put inside his shoe along with his cellphone. He doesn’t check for his keys, nor for his wallet or water bottle, he knows it’s all there and even if it isn't it doesn’t matter anymore.
Felix gets up and dusts off his clothes, trying to get the sand out of his black pants and white button down shirt. His friends had complimented him when they saw him and when they asked for the occasion Felix just said nothing. It’s not like he could have just told the truth.
One, two, three steps. A pause.
A seagull screeched above his head but Felix didn’t hear it, he put his hands in his pockets and took a deep breath. Ah, now he feels it, the peace of mind, the relief. Now he feels so alive and he lets the tears run down his cheeks as he closes his eyes that get blinded by the last warm rays of the sunset.
One, two, three steps. A stop.
The ocean swayed at his feet, wetting the bottom of his trousers. He opened his eyes and waited for the one he could see in the horizon, hiding the light of the sun as it grew larger and more formidable.
Felix extended his arms and smiled as his awaited death welcomed him.
“So, you fought to live?”
“No. I just let my body go limp but I floated right back up and before I could die from hypothermia the fishermen found me.”
“Do you still wish to die Felix?”
Felix did not answer that question but it was not needed, the lack of light in his eyes spoke for itself.