Chapter Text
Years of Zhongli’s life had gone by with various occasions of accidental misgendering. They didn’t even know at the time it was until they realized years later. However this was the present and after leaving their job and how many people most likely called them such back then, it was their boyfriend who pushed them off the edge. The straw that broke the camel’s back, you could say.
He showed them off as his boyfriend, called them masculine things, everything just felt… off. Some days, they didn’t feel that at all, but others the pain in their brain was so horrific that they had to hide themselves away from the world. They didn’t tell anyone of these feelings, as they thought it’d only be an annoyance to others, why must others change the way they speak for them? It’ll be annoying, a process. The accidental misgendering would return, and maybe even some purposeful ones. They did not wish to bother the ones they loved with things that “didn’t matter” even if their daughter and other children also had pronoun and gender changes over the years. Hell! Most of their kids with nonbinary as well, so why not blend in?
A lot of these thoughts stirred in their brain as Kaeya talked to Childe on the other side of the room, why the fuck are they so far away from each other.
Kaeya quickly noticed his partner being quiet, as usually they had lots to say. The history of whatever they were talking about maybe? It didn’t really matter. He tapped them on the shoulder and their head perked up, “what’s wrong, sunshine? It always starts like this, doesn’t it?” he chuckled. His eyes were so pretty, Zhongli couldn’t help but stare and start to feel a bit better.
“Oh, I was just thinking, that’s all,” they responded as they always have. Quick and simple. They hoped Kaeya wouldn’t dig in more, but usually he did.
They noticed he pondered for a second before his response, “I won’t push, but if you want to tell me anything, I’ll always be here to listen.”
They nodded, “it’s all good,” they wanted to tell him like… they really wanted to tell him. They knew he’d be okay with it. Diluc, his sibling, was nobinary as well. They had fear in their heart but they weren’t sure why. Maybe Kaeya was only into guys? What if he wasn’t into whatever they were. They weren’t even sure what they were.
It didn’t matter because Zhongli had to go anyways, they had to go back to their place and make sure the house wasn’t on fire. “Thanks for the company, but I must go. Childe, you can stay here if you like. I know how much you enjoy your stay here.”
“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow night. You’re not getting take out two days in a row lol,” he teased.
They brushed him off, “alright, alright. You know me so well. Bye for now,” by then they had the door half open and was ready to leave, now actually leaving.
The car ride was lonely without anyone else in the car. No children arguing, Childe loudly (and badly) singing to some metal song or Kaeya gossiping about his coworkers. Just silence. Not even the radio, as they thought that’d ruin their mood… even if they were already in a shitty mood.
They went through the door to see Hu Tao making dinner, they assumed they’re not getting take out then. Zhongli sat down on one of the chairs nearby, but not too close as to ruin their focus, “what’s for dinner tonight, sweetheart?”
“Hmm… just some rice and beans, that’s all. So, Mr. Zhongli… how was your stay at the Ragnvindr household?”
They thought for a minute. They didn’t like the idea of venting to their daughter, however Hu Tao had always been exceptional at helping Zhongli with their problems, whether it be grocery prices or romantic feelings. They were always unsure about their romantic orientation and their suggestions helped them out more than they’d like to admit… maybe they could help with their looming thoughts of gender as well?
“I’m not sure… my brain was too busy. Even now it’s still too much. I’m not sure what to think of it.”
Suddenly it clicked in their head, whenever Zhongli has something to say, whatever it might be, they always try to drag it out, not popping whatever question or comment they have until much MUCH later. This happened with their sexuality talk, and when they weren’t sure which butter was more environmentally friendly. At that point they knew what they were in for.
“Well Mr. Zhongli, if you have anything you want to say, I’ll help you with any weird things you got inside your head,” they chuckled, then quickly realizing they’d kept the food on for too long, took the pot off the stove and onto the counter.
Zhongli somehow hadn’t realized it earlier, how had they not? Mister, why mister? They knew this was just what Hu Tao did but why must prefixes be so gendered? They’re not a doctor or a professor so they didn’t have much to choose from, and they never really liked the weird gender neutral option. Since when is the letter x gender neutral?
Either way, Zhongli had realized this only made them feel worse in their endeavors. They again knew that if they told Hu Tao of their feelings that they would be fine with it, they bet they wouldn’t even mess up once. That’s less than they messed up their pronouns when they first came out to them. Zhongli was never the best at remembering newly introduced things, but tried their damn best. But they still felt awkward. They didn’t want anyone’s perception of them to change just because of a new set of pronouns and a constantly changing gender identity.
They must have been thinking for a while because by the time they looked up, Hu Tao was serving them dinner, “here ya go, Mr. Zhongli! Hope you enjoy it! It took me quite a while to get the recipe right…” They continued on their rant about how annoying cooking was but Zhongli’s mind was somewhere else. Again with that gendered shit, ugh.
They wished they lived in a world without gender, however they were practically living in one already with most of their children. Ganyu, Xiao and Hu Tao are nonbinary, and Qiqi is too young to know, but Hu Tao swears they know she’s not on the gender spectrum.
Hu Tao quickly noticed their mind wandering elsewhere, as usually they would chirp in with their own personal knowledge on the subject, “I don’t wanna say “Mr. Zhongli, what’s wrong?” but Mr. Zhongliiii…” they whined, tilting their head so they could get a better glimpse of their face.
“I know this is brash but… please stop calling me that,” they realized until way too late that Hu Tao might take this in a different way than intended.
“Oh, that’s all alright. I just find it weird to just call you by just your name, ya know? Also maybe it reminds you of when you were working? A bad way or a good way, either way… would you rather me just call you dad?” They watched their face furrow for a minute before digging into dinner.
They took a deep breath… this isn’t what they meant. Dad would be even worse! No name, just the masculine term? Awful.
After a while of not getting a response, they spoke up again, “you’re not feeling that either? Just tell me what you wanna be called and I’ll say it. Please.”
They had realized way too late that at this point they hadn’t touched their food, they had actually pushed it away. Their head was between their hands, not far from falling onto the table itself. They looked up at their daughter, only to see a bittersweet smile on their face, then looked back down. They bit their lip, they didn’t know what they wanted to be called. They knew what they didn’t want but what did they want!?
“Zhongli-?”
“Nothing. I want to be called nothing."
Chapter 2
Notes:
Welcome to part 2, comments and kudos are very appreciated and very sexy.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
They hadn’t realized until then that their hands were full of tears, the feelings that had swelled up over those many years. The misters, the boyfriends, and every other masculine term known to man, was swelling between their hands. The tightly sealed dam had finally snapped under the pressure.
They brought their hands up to the other’s tear filled face, “did- did I say something wrong?”
Zhongli shook their head, peeling the other’s hands off of them, “you didn’t do anything, I was just holding too much in. You know how confused I was before about who I was interested in? That… but more.”
They put their hands on their chin, thinking, “hmm… is it related? I thought you were sure about your asexuality-”
“No, no. It’s not about that. It’s about… me? No… I don’t know how to explain it.”
They thought about what he had said in the sentences before, maybe what they’d say would help put their puzzle together, “you want to be nothing?”
“No... I just… I don’t know,” they frowned in a somewhat cartoony way. That spark they once saw before was now no more than a blurry star in the distance. Was this their brain playing tricks on them or something more?
“Well, sometimes I feel like nothing. Just a genderless blob living in this world. Hm… maybe you feel similarly?” they asked, slightly smirking.
They furrowed their brow, “sometimes I think I do, but sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I couldn’t care less and other times… I feel terrible.”
They continued to think about what might be going on in Zhongli’s brain, “would you say it… fluctuates?”
“I guess that could be a word to describe it… what are you thinking, Hu Tao?”
“Well... maybe you’re genderfluid?”
“Gender… fluid?” they put a hand on their chin. They’d never heard that label before. Was it even a label?
They sat down next to them, “yeah! Genderfluid! I’m not genderfluid myself so I can’t help you as much as I want to, but it basically is when your gender fluxuates. Like one day you realize you want tiddies and another you wanna cut them off.”
They pondered this for a minute, while they didn’t have “tiddies” they did sometimes want them when they felt more… feminine? Was that even the right term for it? However they did have days when they wished all their masculine features would suddenly disappear.
“Maybe that wasn’t the best example-”
“No, I think that example was good enough,” they cut them off, nodding, “I hadn’t really thought about it like that before… I just thought I was hyperfixating on an aesthetic for a day or two and then it’d go away. Maybe I’d thought it was for attention, however I never really wanted people to look at me.”
They quietly tapped on the table, “aesthetic? Can you elaborate on that?”
They glanced between Hu Tao and a random painting on the wall before speaking, “well now that I look back, the “aesthetics” were just hyperfemininity and androgynous fashion… how did I not realize that?”
They nodded, “that makes a lot more sense, you and your fancy talk! So um… Zhongli? What are you feeling right now?”
Zhongli wasn’t used to being asked that, or anything like that, honestly. Maybe they were too used to being pushed into things by other people, their parents, their friends, their partners even, but it did make that spark that had once disappeared, come back to them, “I’m feeling androgynous currently, however feminine labels don’t look so bad… just don’t call me mister… please,” they shuttered even having to say it in regards to themself.
“Understood. So is it okay if I call you Ms. Zhongli instead? Or would you rather me just-”
“Miss is fine, but thank you for asking. I apologize for burdening you with all of this… gender drama. It’s really nothing you should have to hear, however I didn’t know what else to do…”
They shook their head, “it’s fine! My friends come to me for stuff like that all the time! You know Yanfei’s a demigirl, right?”
Demigirl? A term they’ve never heard before… well I guess they’d never heard of genderfluid until now, so demigirl wasn’t such a stretch to not know of, “no, I hadn’t heard about that. What… is a demigirl?”
“It’s basically when you’re nonbinary but you lean more towards being female, but not quite. If you really wanna know, you should ask her, but that’s what I got from asking her.”
They nodded, deciding now was a good time to enjoy the food that Hu Tao had prepared for them. It was cold by then, however they always knew Zhongli preferred it that way.
This whole talk had really helped them figure out what was going on inside their brain, but it also raised more questions than it answered. And most important of all, how the fuck were they supposed to tell their partners about this!?
Notes:
My hyperfixation allowed me to finish this! Huzzah! Also if ya'll want another part where I have Zhongli coming out to their boyfriends please let me know however I feel like it'd be very boring to write.
borbsbirbs on Chapter 1 Thu 30 Sep 2021 07:32PM UTC
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