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"Remember when you had your Vocaloid phase and you spent all the money I got from my birthday on their merch?"
Dazai stops reading when he hears the question and looks at his best friend with a confused look on their face.
"What do you need?"
"Nothing," Chuuya says without turning around to look at them. "I was just thinking about it."
"You were thinking about my Vocaloid phase - which was not a phase, thank you - while doing homework? How much do you not understand chemistry?"
Chuuya rolls his eyes. "I perfectly understand chemistry, shut up."
"Then why did you just open your laptop? If you want to search the answers online just admit it." They close their book and get up to sit on the other chair, next to Chuuya. "Look, you were just searching up the name of the book! If you're that desperate just ask for help, dummy."
Chuuya blushes a little and closes his laptop immediately. He looks at Dazai with an annoyed expression, rubbing his forehead.
"To who? Are you gonna help me understand this shit?"
"Oh no, I want to finish this book first-"
"You already read it like three times! Heathcliff fucking dies at the end and-"
"-but Atsushi is the best of his class, he could help you if I asked him."
"No."
"Why?"
"Because" Chuuya gets up to pick a cigarette from the pack on his bed, just next Dazai's copy of Wuthering Heights. "studying with Atsushi means staying at his house for a few hours, which means having Akutagawa around. So, no, thank you very much." He moves closer to the window and lights his cigarette.
"Aren't you two best friends?" Dazai says with an it-irritates-me-so-much-but-I-try-to-look-like-I-don't-care voice.
"We're friends, yes, but when he's with Atsushi he's kind of... annoying. They both are really."
Dazai moves his chair closer to Chuuya and takes a drag from the cigarette. They don't really smoke, but when he's with Chuuya and he smokes they like to do it too. And Chuuya smokes a lot. And Dazai is pretty much always with him. And sometimes they crave a cigarette so much that they want to scream but they're not a smoker, obviously. "How so?"
"They just keep staring at each other smiling and giggling and when they come close they give each other kisses on the cheeks and it's fucking annoying okay?"
"Sounds like you're jealous."
Chuuya stays silent for a moment and just stares at them. How do they always figure shit out so quickly? "How am I supposed to not be jealous? Sorry if it annoys me that they are in a happy relationship even after Akutagawa came out while I had to break up with my boyfriend of two years because of... that."
Dazai sighs. Chuuya is the type of person who wears his feelings on his sleeve, Dazai is used to it by now. He's used to Chuuya being straightforward, talking about what he feels without any shame and saying exactly what he thinks. But the thing is that Chuuya also never cries, never. Not because he doesn't want to look weak, he just isn't a crier. So when he sobbed for almost an hour straight when he came to their house after breaking up with his (now) ex Dazai was shocked, because he wasn't used to that. The thing is that Chuuya is proud of himself and his identity, but when you come out as a trans guy and your straight boyfriend decides to not break up with you it's normal to think "Oh, cool, guess he isn't as straight as he thought", not that said boyfriend thinks it's just a phase and keeps seeing you as a girl.
(Actually, Dazai has always known he was a dick and when Chuuya told them that his boyfriend just faked respecting his identity they weren't surprised.)
(Actually, Dazai always hated the guy just because he was jealous but he was right about him being an asshole so who cares?)
"You did the right thing and you know it. Also. it's better to be alone than with a cis man anyway." Chuuya laughs a bit at that and throws the cigarette out of the window.
"I know, it's just so... unfair. A major factor of me realizing everything was that I liked dudes but it was weird to be with them as a girl. But I liked them, I couldn't imagine myself being with a girl."
"Plus you were a little too emotional when Yuri and Victor kissed when we watched it the first like." Dazai teases him with a grin.
"That was a very emotional moment! You are the one who has a black hole instead of the heart, not me, okay?" Chuuya sounds angry and a bit embarrassed, but he is also giggling. It’s true though, no straight girl almost cries while watching you guys kissing. Also, he was a bit too obsessed with Happy Together (Dazai swears that Chuuya made them watch it every day in middle school).
"I just wonder if I fucked up every chance to be in a relationship, you know?"
"I know." Obviously Dazai knows. He is scared of that too, even if he's not the type to crave romantic relationships. Well, he craves one with a specific person but he knows they will just be rejected.
They stay silent for a bit and eventually Dazai moves back on the bed while Chuuya goes back to study (at least he tries).
Until Chuuya speaks again.
"Remember when we were 13 and you were obsessed with Naruto and I wrote a fanfiction about you and Sasuke fucking?"
"What is with you and thinking about my middle school phases instead of studying?"
Chuuya stays silent for a moment. "Or when you were obsessed with creepypastas and you wanted us to dress up like Jeff and Jane for Halloween?"
"Why are you doing this to me?" Dazai sighs dramatically.
"And I had to be Jane."
"Dressing as Jeff was a big part of me realizing I'm not a girl, okay? Why do you sound so upset? Do you not want trans people to figure themselves out? Are you transphobic?"
"Being an anemic killer for Halloween was your trans awakening? Are you serious?"
"That and when I had to cut my hair because someone put a chewing-gum in it so I had to cut it and the lady on the bus decided to call me young man ."
"It was an accident!"
"Sure it was."
Silence again.
"Remember when you started to listen to My Chemical Romance and wanted people to call you Gerard?"
"Oh my God, what do you want?" Dazai is going to die from embarrassment if Chuuya doesn’t stop immediately.
Chuuya thinks about it for a second, until "I'm so gonna regret this, but I need your help." He looks at his hands and keeps talking. "I need to use your dad's Amazon account."
Oh. That was it? "Sure, he won't mind" but Dazai now is curious. "And what do you need it for?"
"Nothing!" Chuuya answers a bit too quickly and his voice is a bit too high.
"Chuuya. Tell me."
"No."
"I won't tell anyone."
"No."
"Please." Dazai is literally begging him right now.
"No."
"C'mon!"
"No."
"If you don't tell me I won't let you use my dad's account, you know?"
Chuuya sighs. "I hate this, I hate you, I hate my life-"
"Yeah I don't care. Tell me."
"Asshole!" Chuuya looks at the window, not being able to watch his best friend in the eyes. "Iwanttobuyabodypillow."
"What?"
"I want to buy... abodypillow."
"Can you speak or are you actually an idiot?"
"Shut up! God, I want to buy a damn body pillow!" He is basically screaming at this point and his face is burning.
Dazai stares at Chuuya for a few moments without saying anything. The boy in front of him is getting even redder and still refuses to look at him. But then he does, and that's when Dazai starts laughing so much that his stomach hurts.
"I can't believe this oh my God," they say while wiping away some tears, "for all this time I was called a nerd and then you come to me asking for a body pillow? Of who?" They keep laughing while Chuuya is seriously considering killing himself.
"Shut up! I knew you would've laughed, this is why I didn't want to tell you! God"
"No, no," says Dazai after recollecting himself a little. "I'm not laughing because you want a body pillow- oh my God you want a fucking body pillow-" and he starts laughing again.
"Shut the fuck up!"
"Wait, let me speak" he says after actually collecting himself. "I'm not laughing because you want one, I'm laughing because you are the one who made fun of me all these years for having one, and now! Here we are!" They giggle again, "God, this is the most beautiful moment of my life. I will never be happy again."
"I made fun of you because it's embarrassing! Who's the weirdo who would buy that shit?"
Dazai gets up from the bed and points at his friend. "You! You are the weirdo!" And they keep laughing and make that face. A face that Chuuya knows a bit too well.
Chuuya gulps, "Please don't" but Dazai is moving closer. "Please, Dazai, seriously. I still have some-"
"No, you won't be able to escape this time."
"I never- fucking hell! That hurt! Keep those fingers away from me!" and he starts running in the room with Dazai chasing him, because the thing that Dazai loves the most in the world is pinching Chuuya's hips and thighs. And Chuuya fucking hates it and Dazai has long fucking fingers and they hurt. They started doing it when they became friends and it's a habit that never went away because it's just too much fun (for Dazai).
"Chuuya! You can't run forever you know!" They're going outside of the room now, but Chuuya is fast and arrives in the bathroom and locks himself in. "C'mon! Are you a coward? It's just a little pinch!"
Chuuya sighs, finally resting. "Go to hell."
"C'mon."
"Go fuck yourself."
"Why are you so mad? It's fun!"
"Keep talking and I will put your tongue up your ass."
"Why don't you put your tongue up my ass?"
And here Dazai freezes. The thing is, Chuuya doesn't need to know about their crush on him and yes, they always made jokes about the two of them being a couple or fucking but now that he does actually want to do these things it's weird. Fucking awkward actually. Why did they even say that?
But Chuuya starts laughing and Dazai sighs in relief because every time he loses five years of their life when this happens. But Chuuya hasn't realized anything (yet), so he can breathe again.
"You're a terrible person."
"You love this terrible person." Shit, they've done it again.
"Yeah, I don't even know why." Chuuya smiles and finally goes out.
"Finally, I need to pee," says Dazai while passing by Chuuya to enter the room and- pinch.
"Fuck!" But Chuuya doesn't even have the time to realize what happened that Dazai is locked in the bathroom. "I really hate you."
"Yeah, yeah. I need to go home by the way."
Chuuya leans against the door of the bathroom. "Oh okay, I'll see you tomorrow at school?"
"No, I have a thing out of the city. I'll leave the book here."
"Okay, you know where's the door." And with that Chuuya goes back into his room.
Dazai exits a few minutes after that and then goes straight home without even saying anything to his friend before leaving. He'll be there tomorrow anyway.
But before going to bed that night, Chuuya checks his phone and suddenly wants to disappear again.
jeff: so? which body pillow do you want?
Fucking hell.
jane: levi. not the one where he's half naked, i’m not a total weirdo.
jeff: sure you're not