Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

gaylordgogy69 has been added to the server.

# General

Sapnap (it/they/he)
hey George! welcome to the server!
can everyone do intros?
I'll start
Sapnap it/they/he
@Dream introduce urself asshole

Dream
it's in ur username idiot
Dream, he/they
@Karl do ur intro now

Karl
helooo!
I'm Karl, my pronouns are they/he!
@Wilbur Introooo

Wilbur
hey guys.
did you know anteaters don't have any teeth? 
they're edentate

Sapnap (it/they/he)
no! that's cool.
Introduce urself wilb.

Wilbur
fine
wilbur he/him
@BIGMAN

BIG MAN
HEY BIG MAN TOMMY IS HERE
MY PRONOUNS ARE HE/HIM YOU GET IT WRONG WE PUT YOU INFRONT OF THE HIGH COURT BITCH
@toob GET IN HERE TOOB

toob
hello!
my names tubbo, and I use they/he prounouns 
*pronouns 
@ranboo hello my beloved.

Ranboo
??
hi, I'm Ranboo, it/they
@eret big sis please help

Eret
who hurt ran???
I'm eret, any pronouns


Gaylordgogy69
Hi!
I'm george, he/him

Techno
wtf

Sapnap (it/they/he)
this is George, I met him in bio today, he’s an ND too.

Gaylordgogy69
I’m a what?

Sapnap (it/they/he)
hol up.

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

Sapnap (it/they/he)
welcome! Here we are all neurodivergent!

Gaylordgogy69
huh?

Wilbur
oh bestie you didn’t know?

Gaylordgogy69
know what?
What the fuck is going on?

Badboyhalo
language!

BIG MAN
fuck
shit
piss
wank
balls

Dream
dude, didn’t you meet Sapnap because u were both vocal stimming though?

Gaylordgogy69
doing WHAT?

Techno
he doesn’t knowww
wait
prns?

Gaylordgogy69
he/him

Techno
nice pronouns dude

Sapnap (it/they/he)
NO

Gaylordgogy69
???

Sapnap (it/they/he)
techno is a pronoun pit, it takes your pronouns and it eats them to fill its pronoun void.
be back foul demon!

Techno
heh?

Gaylordgogy69
heh?

Techno
and this bitch doesn’t know he's ND?

Gaylordgogy69
what the fuck is an ND

Badboyhalo
Language

BIG MAN
wait bad
what pronouns are u using today

Badboyhalo
Xe/ xem
thank you for asking muffin!


BIG MAN
BADBOYHALO IS A PISS MUFFIN XE IS THE BIGGEST BITCH AND THE BIGGEST PUSSY AND I DON’T LIKE XEM PUSSY BITCH ASS FUCK
(is bitch too gender specific because I don’t want to make any1 dysphoric?)

Badboyhalo
TOMMY!
(I don’t like that word but it doesn’t make me feel dysphoric, thanks for asking little guy)

BIG MAN
no problem!

Gaylordgogy69
what the FUCK does ND mean????

Badboyhalo
language
it’s someone who is not neurotypical, meaning someone who is autistic, dyslexic, has ADHD, anxiety etc.

Gaylordgogy69
oh yeah no I’m defo ND.

Sapnap (it/they/he)
I hate to ask dude, but are you like trans/nonbinary?

Gaylordgogy69
yup
bigender/genderfluid lol

Sapnap (it/they/he)
not heard of that before?
Explain pls

Gaylordgogy69
the bigender bit means I feel different pronouns and gender expression work for me in different situations, and some situations I feel genderfluid in

Sapnap (it/they/he)
swag!
Is this one of them?

Gaylordgogy69
not sure but I think so.

Sapnap (it/they/he)
hol up one second

# genderbenders

Sapnap (it/they/he)
everyone say hi to George, they use he/him prns!

Ranboo
helooo George!

Sapnap (it/they/he)
wanna do pronouns?

George
didn't we already?

Sapnap (it/they/he)
naw, we showed our cissie pronouns
mine are it/they

George
oh 
swag?

Karl
mine are he/they/time

Ranboo
mine are it/they/ender

Dream
mine are still he/they :)

Badboyhalo
xe/xem today!
^_^

Sapnap (it/they/he)
it/they
hbu George?

George
he/blue

Techno
nice pronouns

Sapnap
NOT AGAIN

# my genderfluids are all over the floor!

Badboyhalo
hello! I added you to this one because Sapnap isn't genderfluid so it can’t come in this channel
:(
can everyone who George hasn’t already met yet introduce themselves w/ pronouns/ todays pronouns please?/gen

Niki
Hi! I’m nihachu bet everyone calls me Niki :)
my pronouns are she/they today!

Eret
we already met, but hi again :)
Eret, any pronouns atm

Dream
hi again!!
he/they rn thanks

Badboyhalo
I hate to keep forcing you into different channels George, but what's your sexuality?

Gaylordgogy69
gay/sort of ace

Badboyhalo
cool!!!
(when you say sort of you mean..?)

gaylordgogy69
im greysexual and gay

badboyhalo
allright! See you later!

# queerasaclockworkorange

Sapnap (it/they/he)
this is the general queer space!
Anyone who isn’t straight is in this channel, and boy, oh boy are there a lot of us :)
quickfire round!
everyone with sexualities, GO!
I'm pansexual

Dream
Bi

Wilbur
Bi

Eret
Bi

Niki
Bi!

Sapnap (it/they/he)
the bisexuals are taking over

BIG MAN
aroace
fuck sexuality

Toob
greyaro-ace!!

Ranboo
aroace

Karl
heteromantic lol :(

Gaylordgogy69
why are you sad about that?

Karl
BECAUSE I'M ONE OF THEM!

Techno
aromantic

George
gay-ace spectrum

Karl
nice sexuality

# FUCKallosexuals

Dream
I thought you should be in this one too, but its the final one :)

Toob
hey gang!!!!!

BIG MAN
ayYy
its u Gaylordgogy69

Gaylordgogy69
hold on
I’m changing my username now

George
better?

Karl
hello!!
we’re all non-allos here btw

George
thanks!
Do the allos have a channel too?
Where they like talk about having sex with each other?

Karl
I don’t think so?
I can only see the channels I’m in and I’m sex repulsed so…

BIG MAN
Ha imagine being sex repulsed
I fuck all of the women
ALL OF THEM

Karl
Tommy, I once saw you singing this is home to a pile of spoons because you took your brothers melatonin tabs you thought were wine gums
shush

BIG MAN
…
the song hits different though.
Often I am upset that I cannot fall In love
BECAUSE I HAVE ALL THE WOMEN!
I FELL IN LOVE WITH THEM ALL ALREADY CHECKMATE

George
I’m already getting an idea of tommy’s character

Toob
yup!
:)

Ranboo
ayo
\0/

Toob
RANBOO

Ranboo
tooob!!!!

BIG MAN
D:

Ranboo
toms!!!

BIG MAN
thank you!

Karl
children are so sweet.

BIG MAN
fuck u
fuck u
fuck u

George
how old are u Karl?

Karl
16
y?

George
are you in y11 or a levels?

Karl
y11

George
me too
y have we never met?

Karl
because I usually skive loll

George
solid.

BIG MAN
fuck this man
I’m literally 14 what????

Turbo
And I’m 15
child.

BIG MAN
fuck u
fuck u
fuck u

Chapter Text

#FUCK allosexuals

Dream
hello fellow hot people

BIG MAN
Dream I am a minor
you cannot call me hot
fucking pedophile

Toob
DREAM we are children

Dream
OKAY OKAY
I APOLOGISE

BIG MAN
DREAMS A NONCE

Ranboo
Dream you are a pedophile.

Karl
Wait WHAT is happening?????

Dream
I said hello fellow hot people and now they're calling me a nonce
tommy you're literally born in the same year as me.
shut the fuck up

BIG MAN
THIS IS NOT TRUE I WAS NOT BORN IN 2006 THAT IS A SHIT YEAR

Dream
then when the fuck were you born?

BIG MAN
I DO NOT GIVE OUT MY BIRTHDAY FOR PERSONAL REASONS

Toob
we cannot tell you

Ranboo
it involves gasoline and several restraining orders

Karl
*cough* Gemini

BIG MAN
WHAT THE FUCK KARL

George
...what?

Karl
hey George!

BIG MAN
GOGY

Toob
hello Gaylordgogy69

George
THAT WAS ONE TIME

Karl
what school are you at George?

George
...
why?

Karl
I wanna know if we have the same classes

George
I go to the same one as Sapnap that's where I met it

Karl
ohh yeah

Dream
George I'm not gay but I would totally take you out to a hot dinner and then like... kiss you on the doorstep of your house while fireworks went off.
no homo with socks on

George
...wtf

Karl
Dream what.

Dream
I'm just sayin...

BIG MAN
GO BE HORNY SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE ASEXUAL GROUPCHAT KNOBFACE

Dream
...did you just call me knobface?

BIG MAN
YES YES I DID YOU LITTLE NONCE

Dream
Imma bout to go emotionally abuse a child

Toob
nooooo
Dream you can't

Dream
why not?

Toob
I LOVE HIM

Dream
??

Toob
/p

BIG MAN
I DON'T NEED LOVE I HAVE WOMEN
I love you too tubbo ಥ_ಥ

Ranboo
???

Toob
we love you too ranboo

BIG MAN
yeah Ranboob.

Karl
this is so SWEET

George
purest form of love

Dream
George I love you

George
WTF DREAM

# gaslightgatekeepgirlboss

Wilbur
GUYSSSSSS

Techno
wilb.

Sapnap(it/they/he) 
whats up Wilbur?

Wilbur
can u add me to the gender channel pls?

Sapnap (it/they/he)
YAY!
First off we’re so proud of u

#genderbenders

Sapnap (it/they/he)
second what pronoun?

Wilbur
they/them?

Sapnap (it/they/he)
okie :)
Wilbur is my friend, they really are super supportive of everyone and they really like anteaters, they have brown hair and I really like their guitar skills, they are always there if you want to know something about geography, and they are just an incredible friend.
Opinions?

Wilbur
oh.
Yup.
New pronouns he/they

Techno
I am slowly robbing you of gender.

Wilbur
noooo technoooo I need that :(

Techno
well I need it for my Gender pit 

#16+

Karl
I made this for all of the people who are not minors
because a certain SOMEONE made Nsfw jokes in front of the minors /nm

Dream
.. sorry Karl :(

Karl
Don't worry about it
we all do it at times it's not like they don't make the jokes themselves tbf

Sapnap (it/they/he)
oooh whaddya say???

Dream
I told George I wasn't gay but I'd suck him

Wilbur
HAHAHA
vibe

Techno
why am I here?

Karl
because we thought you were 16+??

Techno
I'm mentally 40

Karl
good point

techno was kicked from 16+

Sapnap
I can't believe you said that to George

Dream
look he gives off the hot vibe okay

#THINGSARETOUCHINME 

Dream
anyone else wanna go to the skatepark tonight?

Wilbur
why are you asking that on the ND chat??

Dream
because I'm fucking sick of neurotypicals today lol /hj

Wilbur
fair fair but we only have like three NTs on this entire server??

Dream
wilbur. please /nm

Techno
I can't do anything tonight, my father has grounded me

Dream
what the fuck?
why?

Techno
because my asshat of a brother decided to tell him I was buying a sword off of amazon.

George
why were you buying a sword???

Techno
because they're sharp.

George
heh?

Techno
heh?

Sapnap (it/they/he)
you fucking tossers /pos
you fit in perfectly Gogy

Techno
don't call me a tosser mx. 'lets go set shit on fire' and then doesn't show.
SMH

Sapnap (it/they/he)
THAT WAS A YEAR AGO.

Techno 
and I still got arrested for setting that bush on fire.
how was I to know it was 'private property'
I'm an anarchist.
still hurts /lh

Sapnap (it/they/he)
ye I'm down to hang out at the park :)

George
me 2

Sapnap (it/they/he)
yay! 
dream u can meet George

Dream
ooh George my beloved

George
fuck off

Dream
I'm hurt /j

George
good /j

Dream
Georgie, we all know you love me really

George
ugh you infuriate me

Dream
you beguile me

BIG MAN
STOP FLIRTING ON THE TIMELINE
sorry Dream, as much as you really want me to come, my father has grounded me.

Dream
???

BIG MAN
well, you see my sibling decided to tell my father about my pet racoon, because I told our father it was buying a sword off of amazon.

George
you guys are siblings????

Techno
what?
no me and tommy have no relation.

Wilbur
and I am definitely not also their brother.

George
WHAT?
who else is related????

toob
me and Dream :D

Dream
love you little bro <3

BIG MAN
what why the fuck is he being nice??
something must be wrong.

Dream
?

BIG MAN
what the fuck did you do?

toob
yeah Dream what the fuck did you do?

Dream
fine just don't tell any1 I'm going to the skate park tonight

toob
what skate park?
(I will excpect the same back from you)
*expect

Dream
we got what you meant, you don't need to correct yourself dude /nm

toob
Ik, I just feel bad when I get it wrong

Techno
dude, do not worry about it.

George
yeah, It's fine

BIG MAN
I make more spelling mistakes than you tubs, and I'm not even dyzlexic!

Toob
thanks toms.

Dream
I'll see those of us going to the skate park in 20 minutes?


The air was cool on his bare skin. Something in his mind had told him that he needed to dress up for this, look his absolute best. If he were to truly meet people from this server, he might hope they would see him as some level of not ugly.
So, he spent fifteen minutes fretting over his outfit, and decorating himself with fishnets and eyeliner.
the ending look was...
He wore a pair of ripped Jeans, with fishnet tights underneath, to add to the effect of the outfit, and a cropped, blue, Supreme jacket on his top.

His eyeliner wings were finally on point, after practicing them since year nine. 
He lived less than a minute walk from the skate park, and it was barely dark yet, the autumnal air making trees golden, but not yet pulling clocks back.

He sat for a few moments on the ridge of one of the ramps, fiddling with the wheels of his board, watching the strangers play about, tracing the graffiti on the walls.
After a few moments, a young looking person showed up, with a green board and a hoodie with a smile on it.
he would be lying if he said they weren't attractive.

He watched them intently as they dropped the board, and skated for a few moments.
They moved with such gracefulness, flipping, and not once falling. the wind rushing through their short, blonde hair making them look like some kind of god.
The sunset was fading, and leaving there to be a sort of darkness in the air

#16+

George
why the fuck are skateboarders so hot :(

Sapnap (it/they/he)
oh ye I'll be there in like 20 mins
wait who's hot??

George
some masc person whos skating on the ramps

Sapnap (it/they/he)
huh.

George
whoever it is, they're very very pretty.
I want to tell them, but that's too scary

Sapnap (it/they/he)
Idk, you should DEFO tell them

George
I-

Sapnap (it/they/he)
trust me, if they don't see you like that, you'll probs never speak to them again.

He took a deep breath, and lowered himself off of the skateboard ramp, walking calmly over to the stranger.
it wasn't worth thinking too hard about it

"Can I help you?" They offered, one eyebrow raised and a smile painted on their face.
George was surprised by the lilt to their words- American.
It wasn't uncommon in Esempi, due to their sister town in America doing the student transfer program around this time.

He let his brain be taken over by flirtatious confidence
"You can, actually." He smirked.
"I was waiting for you to come up and speak to me."
He was clearly cocky.

"Good to know I'm already leaving you in suspense." The stranger raised his eyebrows, and let out a warm laugh.
It made him look very pretty.
"Oh?"
They had stepped closer.

"I couldn't help but notice your cute little skateboard trick, I wondered if you could show me?"

"Well, anything for random cute boys I meet at skateparks"

"You think I'm cute?" He retorted
"Did I say that?"
"Yes"
"Hm, well I must think it then." He flashed a grin, chewing on the bubblegum in his mouth, turning back around.


The stranger held him in place on his board, laughing when he wobbled
"You a beginner?" He asked, no fire behind the teasing
"No, I just don't tend to have hot people wrapped around my back when I skate." He licked his lips, whispering the words to the stranger who was gathered at his shoulder.

The boy laughed, a loud thing that still sounded so dainty.
"You think I'm hot?" Copied the skater.

"Well, did I say that?" He spoke low, flirtatious tendencies in his words.
This sent the other roaring with honeysuckle laughter.

"Put your front in the middle of the board." Everything seemed soft around the edges as he guided George into position with their hands.
"Okay, I think I know how to ride a skateboard." He scoffed, falling as he tried to put his foot correctly.

It wobbled underneath him, making an alarming crunch noise, but the skater didn't seem alarmed.

"Now your back foot goes on the back of the board." He stood up, wobbling slightly again.

"Come on now, you should be getting used to having a hot boy wrapped around your back while skating already, what's your excuse now, pretty boy?"
Their conversation flowed so easily, flirtatious retorts, and laughs.

"Bend your knees, try to keep steady, pretty boy." He licked his lips. suddenly, George felt slightly light headed.

"Then, you just." He tipped him backwards. he gasped as his body was lifted off of the floor, and they both laughed.

After a few tries, George finally nailed the stupid ollie, and they cheered in happiness together, leaning close.
Suddenly, the grin was wiped off of his face, and they were close enough to kiss.

"Can I let you into a secret?" George whispered, a smile on his face as he wet his lips.
"Of course, pretty boy." 
"I already knew how to do an ollie." he grinned.
He burst out in sweet little chuckles.
"But hey, you're a great teacher."
He smiled he held at George's waist, pulling him in closer again.

"Well, cute boy I Met at the skate park, can I have your number before I kiss you? I don't tend to Kiss before a First date." He flashed that award winning smile.
"Okay then, hot skater who I also met at the skate park." He licked his lips, batting his eyelids in the way he knew made people's stomach's churn.

He took the phone handed to him, typing in his number
"Can I have a name?"
"I don't tend to give out my name before a first date." He retorted playfully.
He watched as the boy looked around the park, eyes setting on something

"Shit, pretty boy, the person I was meeting tonight is here. you can come chill with us, I'm sure they will be fine with that. One of them might throw a bitch fit though."

He spoke fondly of his friends. 
For a moment, he wondered where his people were. 
Maybe he had gone to the wrong skate park. Oh well.

The way they were standing against each other was more than friendly, and he heard as someone strutted up behind him.

"Fucking trust you to pull at a skatepark asshole."
Laughed the friend. He turned to the voice. He chuckled along, stepping slightly away from George.

"So, it seems he didn't show- George?" his face was stricken with terror as he saw Sapnap's face.
It took him a moment to connect the dots, and look up to see the others face of confusion

"So If I'm- then that makes you..."
"It seems I didn't have to introduce you two!" smirked Sapnap
"Dream, this is George." He paused, raking his eyes over George with a sly grin.
"George, this is Dream."

Chapter Text

#genderbenders

Wilbur
hey non-gendered bros
I need some advice

BBH
go ahead muffin!

Wilbur
I want a fun thing to call my non-binary sibling, but I think sibling is way too formal.

BIG MAN
oh
thats easy
*roughly gestures to them* that

Dream
assistant to the regional manager

Eret
previous tenant

Sapnap (it/they/he)
runt of the family.

Ranboo
Idk, sib? its vibey and can be made into funnier names too 

Karl
rough draft

Technoblade
understudy

George
spare parts

Eret
just shout COME CHILD in a regal voice whenever you want them

Tubbo
sibling shortened to sibby, then- hear me out
pronounce it like GIBBAYYYYYY

Wilbur
oh my god.

#general

Sapnap (it/they/he)
wtf

George
??

Sapnap (it/they/he)
me and Dream are at the theatre, and there's this old person behind us, we nicknamed them crack santa

Wilbur
LMAO

Sapnap (it/they/he)
and Dream decides its the perfect time to make us take a fucking SELFIE
so Dream takes the camera, and angles it between us, almost hitting the person in front of us, and managing to get the filter on crack santa, who FUCKING STARES INTO THE CAMERA

Toob
AHAHAHAHA

Dream
In my defence
IN MY DEFENCE
I thought It would be funny.

Sapnap (it/they/he)
SMH

Ranboo
aren't you guys sat next to each other?

Sapnap (it/they/he)
yep

Ranboo
then why are you texting us?

Dream
because Sapnap is boring /j SMH

Sapnap (it/they/he)
DREAM
what are your pronouns today?

Dream
oh 
shit
um

Ranboo
could you not have asked them since you were looking right at them?

Dream
none?
yeah.
pronouns are icky.

Ranboo
IM SO SORRY

Dream
don't worry about it /nm

Ranboo
go watch your play dumbasses

#16+

George
GUYS

Karl
what?

George
CAN YOU TELL DREAM TO STOP CALLING ME SUBMISSIVE AND BREEDABLE PLEASE

Karl
LMFAO

Dream
I'm not fucking wrong tho
blue has that air about him

George
woah
gender

Niki
glad you are getting the gender you deserve homie

Sapnap (it/they/he)
its so much better being Submersive and birdable.
join the gang sis

George
WTF

#queerasaclockworkorange

Sapnap (it/they/he)
can I just say
Dream's mom is really hot.

Dream
WTF SAPNAP

Toob
MY MOTHER????

Karl
sorry
but that woman is a MILF

Sapnap (it/they/he)
KARL YOU ARE ASEXUAL

Karl
okay
maybe she's a MOLF

Toob
WTF IS A MOLF

Karl
mother OTHERS would like to fuck :)

Dream
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT MY MOTHER

George
pic?

Sapnap (it/they/he)
img.png

George
shes fit.

Dream
YOU'RE GAY????

George
sorry Dream
your mother transcends sexuality

BIG MAN
SHE IS A VERY SEXY LADY

Toob
NO TOMMY

BIG MAN
WHAT DOES TRNASCNENGENDER MEAN

Dream
HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MANAGE TO GET THE WHOLE WORD GENDER IN THAT MISPELLING

BBH
LANGUAGE

BIG MAN
pronouns bad?:)

BBH
... I feel as though this is a trap.


BIG MAN
NO 
NO
NO
I JUST DON'T WISH TO MISGENDER MY GOOD FRIEND BADBOYHALO
MISGENDERING IS NOT OKAY PISSMUFFIN
BADBOYHALO IS A TRANSPHOBE

BBH
OH MY LANGUAGE
my pronouns are axe/xe/hum

BIG MAN
oh thank you :)

Dream
tommy being a decent human being?

BIG MAN
OKAY FUCK YOU DREAM YOU MASSIVE PUSSY

BBH
LANGUAGE (┬┬﹏┬┬)

BIG MAN
FUCK SHIT PUSSY ASS BALLS

George
how American of you.

BIG MAN
DO NOT CALL ME AMERICAN YOU TWATBAG
I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE CHEZBORGER CRETINS
BOLLOCKS TO ALL OF YOU

Dream
??

George
anyway
back to how gorgeous Dream's mum is

Dream
NO

Toob
NO

Sapnap (it/they/he)
you can't deny it

Karl
seriously
how many skittles for your mum's phone number??

Dream
100 pounds.

Karl
Hey Dream what's your address? :)

Dream
oh no.

#General

Toob
tell me why we just got a shipping delivery of 50 1kilo bags of skittles?

Karl
:))))

Dream
FUCK

#16+

Karl
hey guyssss

George
hey Karl :)

Dream
hey George ;)
fuck you Karl

Karl
;-;

Sapnap (it/they/he)
NO MY KARL IF YOU HURT TIME I'LL FUCK YOU UP YOU LITTLE GREMLIN BITCH

Karl
what did I do wrong? :(

Dream
are we just ignoring you spent over like... 300 dollars on skittles for my moms phone number?

Karl
oh yeah
I did do that.

George
never challenge the rich Dream

Karl
when we eat the rich, please spare me?

Wilbur
of course

#mygenderfluidsarealloverthefloor!

Dream
hey hoes

BBH
language

Eret
hola bitch

Niki
hello fellow genderfluids!

George
what are ppl's pronouns today?

Dream
um
gay?

BBH
Ae/Aer

Eret
no hablos anglais?

Niki
she/they :DD

George
swag pronouns gang
tell me how you use gay pronouns, Dream?

Dream
um
eat/my/dick?

George
very funny
actual pronouns

Dream
he/fei
I've never had neos before
it's swag.

George
proud of you bro

Dream
really? *pulls fuckboy face*

George
I'm not participating in /rp with you rn

Dream
okay *looks down at the ground*

George
and no hablos anglais pronouns, eret?

Eret
ummmmm
si?

George
okay

Dream
what are your pronouns Gogster?

George
um
Any
Call me what you want

Dream
swag
can I call you mine?

George
...
I'll have to think about that one

Dream
SCORE

Chapter Text

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

BUG MAN
HEY GUYSSS

Technoblade
what tommy?

BUG MAN
YOUR TONE HAS MADE ME SAD
I'M GOING TO START RAGE SOBBING

Technoblade
I apologise.

BUG MAN
I WILL NOT BEGIN RAGE SOBBING

Dream
what's going on?

BUG MAN
I HAVE JUST DISCOVERED INTERESTING INFORMATION ABOUT MYSELF

Tubbo
I'm scared

BUG MAN
TUBBO
BEE BOY
HE HAS ARRIVED

Tubbo
hey toms :D

BUG MAN
AS I WAS SAYING
I HAVE IMPORTANT NEWS

Dream
kid, you're really milking this, tell us the news /nm

BUG MAN
I AM GLAD YOU INCLUDED THE TONE INDICATOR BECAUSE I WAS ABOUT TO START SOBBING /GEN

Dream
that's alright kid 

BUG MAN
ALSO FUCK U I AM NOT A CHILD I AM A BIG BIG MAN

Badboyhalo
Language!!

BUG MAN
I AM VERY SORRY MX. HALO I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE A SWEARY BOY I DO APOLOGISE

Technoblade
Tommy being respectful?? /j

BUG MAN
YOU PEOPLE KEEP SAYING MEAN THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE ME CRY BUT THERE IS A TONE INDICATOR THERE SO I AM NOT GOING TO CRY

Technoblade
sorry kid.

BUG MAN
IT IS FINE BUT I NEED TO TELL YOU MY BIG NEWS

Technoblade
okay, go on.

BUG MAN
THEY HAVE GIVEN ME ALL OF THE DIAGNOSES

Dream
well done!

BUG MAN
BUT SOME WERE UNEXPECTED AND MADE ME CONFUSED

George
care to share?

BUG MAN
OKAY WELL I HAVE ADHD WHICH IS NOT UNEXPECTED I MEAN HAVE YOU MET ME???

Technoblade
yeah toms, we've met you

Wilbur
well yeah /lh

BUG MAN
BUT I ALSO HAVE TOURETTES???

Wilbur
oh yeah I saw that coming

BUG MAN
I THOUGHT EVERYONE HAD THE MASCULINE URGE TO SCREAM 'SHE PISSES WHEN SHE FARTS, SOMETIMES SHE SHARTS' IN THE MIDDLE OF PUBLIC SPACES

George
o h

Tubbo
lmao
yeah no I did wonder why you did that.

BUG MAN
ME TOO TOOB

Sapnap
so you have tourettes?

BUG MAN
I DO 
BUT THATS NOT ALL BESTIES

Sapnap
did you just say besties?
Tommy has never said that before

BUG MAN
THATS WHAT IM ABOUT TO TELL YOU
I HAVE BPD????
LIKE WHO THE FUCK WAS GOING TO TEll ME I HAVE SPICY BRAIN MOMENTS

Dream
...
wtf tommy

Sapnap
well. okay

Technoblade
so I know the real tommy, and he is just playing an act of the whole 'annoying little shit' thing

BUG MAN
YES I PLAY AN ANNOYING LITTLE SHIT BECAUSE IT MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO ME AND MAKES ME EXCITING

Sapnap
HOLD ON
YOU WERE JUST PLAYING A CHARACTER THIS WHOLE TIME?

Technoblade
it really shows who was the funny kid in highschool

Sapnap
wHat

Wilbur
tommy isn't actually annoying.
its just a façade he puts up because as he said 'it makes people want to talk to me and makes me exciting'

Sapnap
so
hold on my brain cannot cope
so I don't know the real tommy?

Technoblade
hes actually a pretty chill dude when you get to know him.

BUG MAN
THANK YOU TECHNOBLADE I WILL WRITE THAT IN THE BUCK

Technoblade
the wHat

BUG MAN
BIG MAN THERAPIST TOLD US TO WRITE DOWN THINGS WHEN PEOPLE ARE NICE TO ME SO I CAN KNOW THEM

George
so can you actually be tommy? 

BUG MAN
yeh sure

Sapnap
YOU TURNED OFF THE CAPS LOCK???

BUG MAN
yeah
I'm actually really chill
a little fucked-up in the head, but aren't we all?

Wilbur
WELL SAID TOMMY

George
you didn't speak this whole time will
did you already know?

Wilbur
ye
Tommy told me in the car 

Technoblade
you told Will and not me
I thought I was your favorite?

BUG MAN
YOU ARE NOT I FUCKIN 'ATE YOU TECHNOBALD /j

#FUCK allosexuals

Ranboo
hi guys :D

Toob
Hello ranman

Ranboo
...g e n d e r

Toob
happy to be of service

Karl
whos giving out gender and where can I get it?

Toob
can't force the gender king
it just flows out naturally
like piss
can't force piss

Karl
I thought that was the whole point of piss??

Dream
I just arrived and I am so confused

Karl
Tubbo is educating us on how he can give out gender

Toob
SEE
AND JUST LIKE THAT YOU GAVE ME GENDER

George
... we've been trying to reach you about your gender's extended warranty

Toob
WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM YOU LITTLE SHADOW GREMLIN

George
thank you for affirming my gender

BUG MAN
Helooo
ooh who's giving out gender?

Karl
HI!

Ranboo
tommy not typing in capitals??

Karl
so gender flows like piss?

Toob
it does indeed

Karl
oh
okay
what about cis ppl? how do they get their gender

Toob
their gender comes out in piss packages
pre-packaged-piss

Karl
wha-

Toob
Pre-packaged-piss
simple/lh

#16+

Dream
hello fellow sex-havers

Karl
Dream we're ace

Dream
I know
just the best

Karl
as in ASEXUAL

Dream
ohhhh
yeah no that does not stop me from fucking ALL OF THE PEOPLE

George
as another Asexual person and also Dream's boyfriend this is true

Karl
HOL UP

Sapnap
WAIT ONE FUCKING MOMENT

Wilbur
WAIT

Niki
YOU TWO GOT TOGETHER??

Eret
couple goals

George
Dream I thought you told them?

Dream
I forgor

George
how tf did you 'FORGOR' 
YOU SQUEALED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL WHEN I KISSED YOU?

Karl
Always knew you were a squealer

Dream
YOU PROMISED NOT TO TELL ANYONE THAT

George
YOU FORGOT WE STARTED DATING

Wilbur
I feel like I'm watching coronation street right now

Eret
pop the kettle on margerie, we're avin' a brew and watching hollyoaks with the girls

George
could never pass up a cuppa and hollyoaks

Dream
THE BRITISH ARE COMING THE BRITISH ARE COMING

Karl
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SAYING

Dream
I DONT KNOW BUT WE'RE OUTNUMBERED BY THE EUROPEANS

Niki
I'm German and I caught that.

Sapnap
THE BRITISH ARE HERE

Wilbur
eyup cocker
how do?

Dream
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN-

#General

Jack manifold
Hello there

Dream
OH MY GOD HEY JACK

Jack manifold
this server is dead XD

Karl
I legit am on this thing like three hours a day.

Jack manifold
Oh I forgot I was the token cishet

Wilbur
no!! 
you're also the token neurotypical

Jack manifold
;-;

Wilbur 
HOLD ON

#BRITBOX

Jack manifold
LMAO

BUG MAN
WE HAVE BEEN BANISHED TO THE LAND OF THE BRITISH

Wilbur
NO! THIS IS A PLACE FOR US TO STRAY FROM THE JANKY AMERICANS

Toob
Hi :D

Eret
hello tubster

George
oh 
Hello british people

BUG MAN
ELLO GOGY

George
am I ever gonna live that down?

BUG MAN
FUCK NO

Technoblade
why tf am I here

Wilbur
EVERY FRIENDSHIP GROUP NEEDS A TOKEN AMERICAN

Technoblade
wh-

Wilbur
TECHNO YOU ARE BASICALLY BRITISH YOUR FATHER IS BRITISH AND SO ARE YOUR BROTHERS

Technoblade
will
that doesn't change the fact that I was adopted

BUG MAN
YOU WERE ADOPTED?????????????????????????

Technoblade
tommy.
did you seriously not know that?

BUG MAN
I THOUGHT YOU JUST SHOWED UP OUT OF THE W O M B WHEN I WAS TWELVE

Technoblade
you didn't

BUG MAN
AHAHAHA BUT THATS WHERE YOU'RE WRONG TECHNOBITCH

Technoblade
no, I think you didn't

BUG MAN
TECHNO PLEASE ITS FOR THE BIT

Wilbur
yeah its for the bit techno

Technoblade
alright, I'll bite

BUG MAN
YOU ARE NOT MAKING THIS BIT VERY EASY ON ME TECH

Technoblade
I don't do this kind of bit
so I am confused as to what to say

BUG MAN
JUST ACT SURPRISED OR SOMETHING
BUT NOW THE FOURHT WALL HAS BROKEN SO THE BIT IS RUINED
ITS OKAY TECH WE'LL GET IT NEXT TIME

Chapter Text

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

BUG MAN
HEY GUYSSS

Technoblade
tommy.
did you kill someone again?

BUG MAN
NOT THIS TIME TECH

Dream
AGAIN????

Tubbo
what did you do, tommy?

BUG MAN
YOU KNOW THOSE NOODLES IN THE BACK OF THE CUPBOARD?

Wilbur
yeah?


BUG MAN
DID YOU KNOW THEY WENT OUT OF DATE IN 2019?

Technoblade
no I didn't 
please tell me you threw them away.

BUG MAN
THEY TASTED LIKE B R O W N

Wilbur
WHO TAUGHT HIM HOW TO USE THE STOVE

BUG MAN
I TAUGHT MYSELF YOU LITTLE PRICK
I'M BUILT SO DIFFERED

Dream
WHAT THE FUCK DOES BROWN TASTE LIKE

BUG MAN
YOU KNOW THE INSIDE OF CACTI THAT LOOKS LIKE MILK BUT JUST ISN'T?

George
oh god...

BUG MAN
THAT AND GLOWSTICK FLUID MIXED TOGETHER IN A SPICY COCKTAIL IN THE DEVIL'S ANUS
SOLID 6/10 ON THE SHIT SCALE

Wilbur
Tommy, Dad told you you can't do the shit scale after what happened with the whole 'broken glass' thing

BUG MAN
AHAHA BUT I AM A BIG MAN WHO DOES WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS
SIDE NOTE THE BROKEN GLASS GETS A 9/10 ON THE SHIT SCALE BECAUSE IT TASTED SPIKY

Technoblade
ah, finally a chance to get revenge on my annoying kid brother

Dream 
HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD?

BUG MAN
AHAHA I AM SIMPLY BUILT DIFFERENT

Wilbur
Tommy
no more shit scale

BUG MAN
BUT I NEED IT KING
HOW ELSE WILL I TRACK THE FUN FLAVORS OF OUR NATURAL SURROUNDINGS EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO TRY?
I HAVE MADE A COMMITMENT TO THE WORLD
TO THE WOMEN
I WILL NOT LET THE WOMEN DOWN WILBY

Karl
oh my GOD
tommy are you okay?
do you feel ill?

BUG MAN
I DO NOT FEEL ILL I JUST SIMPLY AM BETTER
MY BODY IS MY BITCH
IT DOES WHAT I SAY WHEN I SAY IT OR ELSE I FUCKING SMACK IT

George
Tommy...

BUG MAN
GOGY
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

George
can we get some more items from off of the shit scale?

BUG MAN
SURE KING
I WOULD RATE THE SUSPICIOUS GOO THAT YOU FIND ON THE SIDE OF BINS A SOLID 9/10 IT TASTED SO BAD GOGY SO BAD

George
oh my GOD

BUG MAN
AND HAND SANITISER WOULD PROBABLY BE A 6/10 BECAUSE IT DIDN'T TASTE THAT BAD
LIKE SAGGY CUCUMBERS

Wilbur
why don't you tell them about the yellow and black incident?

BUG MAN
OH YEAH
BEES ARE A SOLID 7/10
CRUNCHY, STILL BUZZ AND A LITTLE BIT STINGY

Dream
YOU DIDN'T

BUG MAN
AHAHA BUT I DID

Technoblade
I told dad you added to the shit scale

BUG MAN
TECHNO YOU LITTLE SNITCH
MY FATHER IS SHOUTING
F A R E W E L L

Tubbo
bye tommy!

Technoblade
my father seemed substantially annoyed, it is likely Tommy will be losing his phone.

Wilbur
IS THIS BECAUSE OF THE SWORD???

Technoblade
absolutely

Ranboo
I just showed up and ohmygod

#16+

Dream
does any1 know a good place to take some1 on a date? :)

Karl
Take them down to the park on west side late at night, then skim rocks over the lake. it's mad fun

Eret
take them to the movies then for pizza or some shit after idfk

Wilbur
go to a music gig with them

George
I know
ask them where they wanna go instead of texting on a gc they're on
idiot

Dream
how do you know the date is for you George?

George
because we were private Dm-ing two second ago about going on a brilliant date and how you had planned the whole thing so perfectly and then I get a notif asking where to take someone on a date
I'm not a bimbo 

Dream
oops

George
yeah, oops

Dream
can I get a tone indicator pls?
sorry to be that guy

George
sure, sorry /lh/s/nm

Dream
oh thank god *exhales a breath of relief*

George
you didn't think I was gonna break up with you for that, did you?

Dream
Ngl, a little bit.

Sapnap
you guys are idiots

Dream
says you mx. arson

Sapnap
okay, okay
I got ID'd trying to buy a lighter today

Karl
well yeah

Sapnap
I just wanted to get fire and a monster energy

Dream
and they let you buy the monster just fine??

Sapnap
yuh
I had my ID that proves I'm over 16
just not over 18

Dream
you're an idiot

Sapnap
prick

Dream
cockwomble

Sapnap
creative

Dream
I know

Chapter Text

#General

BUG MAN
HELLO LADIES GENTLEMEN AND OMENS OF GOD
I NEED SOME ASSISTANCE

Technoblade
what did you do

Jack manifold
Eyup 
what did you do cocker?

BUG MAN
EYUP MANIFOLD MAN HOW DO?

Jack manifold
not too bad sunny

BUG MAN
JACK YOU ARE ONE YEAR ABOVE ME

Wilbur
HOLD ON

George
Jack's a year 10????

Jack manifold
Yep

Eret
I genuinely thought you were in eleven or twelve

Jack manifold
I get that a lot
with my rugged good looks and chiseled jawline many people mistake me for an adult
works in my favor when getting Id'd

BUG MAN
Speaking of Id's

Tubbo
TOMMY 
DID THEY LET YOU OUT YET???

Wilbur
WhAT

BUG MAN
THIS IS WHAT IM TELLING THE PEOPLE BEE BOY

Technoblade
tommy what in the hell did you do?

BUG MAN
Well
you know how me Tubbo and ran-man went on a platonic date gallivanting around the town?

Wilbur
yes...

BUG MAN
WELL, ME BEING THE BRILLIANT MAN THAT I AM SUGGESTED WE GO INTO MY FAVORITE SHOP 
B&M
IT IS NOT MY FAVORITE SHOP ANYMORE
FUCK B&M

Tubbo
YEAH!
FUCK B&M

Wilbur
lets stay on track here toms

BUG MAN
WELL WE WENT TO BUY HARIBO RINGS SO WE COULD GET ENGAGED PLATONICALLY
BUT I HAD A BRILLIANT IDEA
THAT WE SHOULD START SOME FIRE

Tubbo
FUCK YEAH
FIRE

BUG MAN
BUT 
WHEN WE GOT TO THE TILL TO PAY
THE BASTARD AT THE COUNTER SAID YOU HAD TO BE EIGHTEEN TO BUY A LIGHTER.
SO I
BEING THE FUCKING GENIUS THAT I AM
GAVE RANBOO THE LIGHTER BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A TWENTY YEAR OLD ADULT WITH ITS SIX FOOT SIX ASS
I AM OFFENDED THAT THEY THOUGHT I WAS UNDER EIGHTEEN
ME
BIG MAN TOMMYINNIT

Wilbur
okay
keep telling the story toms

BUG MAN
SO THE BASTARD AT THE TILL
IMMA CALL THEM TILL-BITCH
TILL-BITCH LOOKED AT US AND HAD THE A U D A C I T Y TO ASK RANBOO FOR ID
SO OF COURSE WE LAUGHED AND RANBOO SAID THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY
AND TILL-BITCH LOOKED US OVER, AND SAID WE HAD TO PUT IT BACK
SO I HUFFED AND ALL AND THEN WE WERE LEAVING WITH OUR RINGS AND TILL-BITCH SAID
'BYE LADIES'

Wilbur
oh no

BUG MAN
I WAS WEARING MY MASSIVE HE/HIM PIN AND RAN WAS WEARING THEIR PRONOUNS TOO
TUBBO HAD A MASSIVE BADGE THAT SAID 'ASK ME MY PRONOUNS'
AND TILL-BITCH STILL HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT

Tubbo
yeah it was shit

Technoblade
I'm so sorry guys

Wilbur
^^

BUG MAN
ITS OKAY I GUESS

Wilbur
so...
where does the story go from here?

BUG MAN
OKAY, SO YOU KNOW I'M NOT A VERY VIOLENT PERSON
SURE I'LL THREATEN TO FUCK UP YOUR ANKLES AND SHIT BUT I'M NOT ACTUALLY GONNA FUCK UP YOUR ANKLES BECAUSE I'M SCARED OF CONFRONTATION

Wilbur
toms what happened??

BUG MAN
I CALMLY TURNED TO TILL-BITCH AND SAID
actually, none of us are women. 
AND THEY LITERALLY SAID 
well, I see three young ladies.
AND THEN TURNED THEIR BACK ON US
SO I GOT PISSED AND SAID
look, thats really rude. how do we make a complaint to supervisors?
AND THEY FUCKING SCOFFED AND SAID 'I don't see that as necessary.'
AND TRIED TO SELL US THE LIGHTER

Wilbur
oh god...

BUG MAN
SO WE BOUGHT IT AND ALL, GOT THREE STEPS FORWARD, BEFORE SECURITY GOT US FOR 'UNDERAGE BUYING OF PRODUCTS AND THREATENING OF STAFF'
now I'm sat in the backroom because I told the staff tubs and Ranboo didn't have anything to do with it, and I need a guardian to come get me

Technoblade
on my way
and I will fuck up anyone who tries to get between me and my little brother.

BUG MAN
thanks tech
but they need to be eighteen

Technoblade
I have fake ID's
I'm now your parent.

BUG MAN
THANK YOU PARENT

Wilbur
hold on I'm coming too

BUG MAN
WILL YOU DON'T HAVE TO

Wilbur
I want to see the bitch who had the audacity to misgender my little brother.


Dream
I'm coming too
Idc if you don't need another person
that bastard misgendered my sibling too

Niki
I'm coming too
I have someone's lights to smash out

Karl
Just read back
I'm coming

Jack manifold
I'm coming
my dad used to work at B&M

Eret
someone hurt you three, and broke the law
I'm coming

Quackity
I'm training to be a lawyer, and that's the best you can get for now, plus, I'm the only one coming whos actually over eighteen

Badboyhalo
I'm gonna be there too
is this the B&M opposite the shopping center?

BUG MAN
YEAH
I FEEL LIKE I'M IN ONE OF THOSE AVENGERS MOVIES

#General

George
oh my god
I just came back from sleeping
how did it go?

BUG MAN
OH MY GOD WE DESTROYED THOSE SONS OF BITCHES

Tubbo
YEAH IT WAS SO COOL 

BUG MAN
QUACKITY WAS ALL
HYAAA
AND WAPOOOW

George
those...
those are just noises

Quackity
I think he means I went full lawyer on their asses

BUG MAN
YEAHHH
AND TECHNO BROUGHT A FUCKING SWORD

Technoblade
you make it sound cooler than it was
I was told I had to wait outside because I had a weapon on me

BUG MAN
AND NIKI IS SO FUCKING SCARY WHEN SHE'S PISSED

Niki
thank you :D

BUG MAN
WE GOT TILL-BITCH FIRED
AND NOW SHE HAS TO GO TO A HUMAN RESOURCES MEETING
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wilbur
yeah
we got tommy, tubbo and ranboo the justice they deserved

BUG MAN
BIG MAN SECURITY GUARD LOOKED FUCKING TERRIFIED WHEN NINE TEENAGES STORMED IN THE BUILDING LOOKING BEYOND PISSED

Eret
yeah he did look a little red.

George
oh wow
didn't one of you have to pretend to be tommy's guardian though?

Quackity
no
because he didn't do shit wrong
and emprisoning a minor is an offence if not done through legal action
its basically kid-napping
especially when the kid didn't do anything illegal.

BUG MAN
LAWYER MAN D-D-D-ROPS IT

George
oh cool
also
who are you Quackity?
I've never seen you on here before

Quackity
who am I??
I should be asking who are you?

Dream
George is my boyfriend Quackity

Quackity
HOL UP
WHEN-

George
like a month ago lol

Quackity
OH MY GOD I MUTED THIS CHAT
I'm Quackity I guess

George
what are your pronouns?

Quackity
He/they
you?

George
um
rn
He/him

Quackity
cool
I'm 19 btw
jus thought you might wanna know

George
thx
I'm 16

Quackity
awesome

BUG MAN
BACK TO MY INCREDIBLE ESCAPADES OF THE DAY-

Chapter Text

#queerasaclockworkorange

BUG MAN
HELLO

Karl
hey tommy :D

BUG MAN
I GOT IN TROUBLE AT SCHOOL TODAY

George
why?

BUG MAN
BECAUSE I SCREAMED PEDOPHILE AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS IN THE MIDDLE OF LUNCH

George
hold on
are you like... really fucking scrawny, blonde?

BUG MAN
YES 
I RESENT THE SCRAWNY COMMENT

George
I was the one who told you off

BUG MAN
BIG MAN GAYLORDGOGY IS A PREFECT?????

George
yup

BUG MAN
HOLY SHIT 
I CAN USE YOU FOR MY NEFAIROIUOS PLANS

Dream
how did you misspell nefarious so fucking badly?

George
I'm still in awe that tommy looks like that.

BUG MAN
I KNOW I AM SO ATTRACTIVE

George
no I just expected you to look different, I guess?

BUG MAN
THE FUCK DID YOU EXCPECT ME TO LOOK

George
I don't know

BUG MAN
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW?

George
I have like... right buckle in
many diagnoses are coming at you rn
mild Prosopagnosia which means I can't see people's faces/ recognize them.
I have partial aphantasia which means my 'mind's eye' is fucked
and I also have moderate synesthesia, so theres that. 

BUG MAN
HOLD ON
THATS FUCKING COOL
SO YOU SAW ME AS...

George
like a ball of sunray energy.
everything about you is yellow
bright yellow

BUG MAN
OOOH

George
you have sort of harsh corners too.
except near the back of the ball, thats sharp, but soft around the edges.
you look a little pink at the bottom too.
its loud. hitty.

Wilbur
WAIT DO ME DO ME!

George
you're beige
theres a lilt at the end of you that curves up into maroon red.
you're smooth.
everything about you is smooth.
except a little bit of gravel in the center, but even that is polished.

Wilbur
poetic

Technoblade
I'm curious now.
do me

George
gravel
spiky 
vibrates near the end
pulsey
pink.

Technoblade
aw
I feel represented

George
you sound to the right
does that make any sense?

Technoblade
no
but also yes

George
wilbur you sound dead center
tommy, you're sort of elevated but to the left.

BUG MAN
THIS IS SWAG

George
yeah its cool but its shit when I can't link faces to people I've spoken to without them

BUG MAN
OOF
ANYWAY
AREN'T YOU THE PREFECT THAT TOLD ME OFF LAST MONTH?

George
depends
I tell off a lot of people
I most likely would have remembered your tallness, though.

BUG MAN
YOU TOLD ME OFF BECAUSE I TOLD SOME YEAR SEVENS MY NAME WAS MICHEAL JACKSON

George
OH MY GOD
YOU'RE THE KID WHO CHASED DOWN A POOR YEAR SEVEN SCREAMING 'HEHE' LIKE A DERANGED LUNATIC
that kid was traumatized.

BUG MAN
NO HE WASN'T
HE'S TUBBO'S BROTHER

George
wHat

BUG MAN
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT AT THE TIME

Tubbo
OH MY GOD I REMEMBER HEHE

Ranboo
HEHE I FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT THAT

George
please enlighten me, what is HEHE?

Ranboo
when we passed through a door held open by a year seven, tommy said 'Thank you, I'm Michael Jackson.'
the kid looked at him weird, and I brought in sweets for my English presentation, and I told tommy he could have some if he just followed me to the form room, so he started box running while he kicked up his legs shouting 'HEHE'
and then he spotted my brother and sprinted at him, screaming 'HEHE' that's when,
I'm guessing you?
arrived on the scene.

George
oh my GOD

Dream
oh you telling George the HEHE story?
also George, I'm a prefect too!

George
you are???

Dream
yup

George
WHAT HOUSE?

Dream
pickley

George
no way!!!!! 
me too!!!!!

Dream
I thought you looked familiar!

George
cool!!!

Technoblade
does anyone know where to buy an ostrich

Sapnap
dm me I know a guy

Karl
WHAT

Sapnap
what?

Karl
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE AN OSTRICH GUY???

Sapnap
he's not JUST an ostrich guy
he also sells snakes
if you pay him enough he even does small iguanas

Karl
HOW

Sapnap
a gentlemen never reveals his secrets, Karl

Technoblade
thanks for hooking me up 

Sapnap
no problem

Technoblade
final thing
anyone know where to buy a sword?
totally unrelated

Dream
weren't you buying one off of amazon?

Technoblade
father dearest cancelled the order. 

Dream
FUCK
how are we gonna have our duel tomorrow if you don't have a sword?

Sapnap
DM me I have a sword guy

Karl
SAPNAP

Chapter Text

#General

BUG MAN
HELLO BITCHES

Tubbo
Hi :D

Wilbur
hello gremlin child

Technoblade
why have we gathered here today?

BUG MAN
WE HAVE GATHERED BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHARE WITH YOU

Dream
and what is this thing?

BUG MAN
A NEW RELIGION
A NEW PHILOSOPHICAL IDEAL
I HAVE SOLVED FEAR

George
oh?

BUG MAN
YES
IT IS VERY SIMPLE

Ranboo
do tell

BUG MAN
I'M BUILDING UP THE SUSPENSE RANMAN

Ranboo
okay

Wilbur
tell us tommy
as long as it isn't illegal

Badboyhalo
it better not be illegal T_T

BUG MAN
GOD YOU HAVE SO LILTTLE FAIRTH IN ME
PLEASE

Technoblade
it's illegal, isn't it?

BUG MAN
SHUT THE FUCK UP TECHNOBLADE
I MEAN WHAT A SHIT NAME
WHO GETS THE CHOICE TO NAME THEMSELVES AND GOES HMMM YES I'LL NAME MYSELF LIKE A FUCKING EDM POP SONG

Badboyhalo
language!!!!!!!!!!!

BUG MAN
OH YEAH BADBOYBITCHLO
YOU'RE SO SHIT
YOU'RE A TWATERANG

Badboyhalo
D':

BUG MAN
I DID NOT INTEND TO MAKE YOU CRY HALO 

Badboyhalo
It's okay kid

Ranboo
Tommy can you please tell us your philosophy now?????

BUG MAN
SORRY RANBOOB
I GOT SIDETRACKED
ITS SO SIMPLE
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT

Wilbur
say it already!/lh

BUG MAN
I HAVE SOLVED FEAR
BECAUSE
STRAP IN COCKER BECAUSE THIS ONES A CHUFFER

Dream
I don't know what any of those words mean

BUG MAN
OH FUCK YOU AMERICAN WANKER
DREAM YOU FUCKING WANKER

George
hey.
they're my boyfriend, that makes them like an ~honourary~ brit

BUG MAN
PLEASE KEEP YOUR AMERICAN ON A LEASH GOGY

Dream
OH SHUT UP THE BOSTON FISH ARE STILL TASTING EARL GREY

BUG MAN
YOU KNOW WE LEARNT ABOUT THAT FOR THREE LESSONS IN YEAR EIGHT HISTORY AND NO ONE ACTUALLY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT IT RIGHT??????
I SPENT ALL OF THOSE LESSONS THROWING SHIT AT TUBBO

Tubbo
HE DID I WAS THERE
I HAVE THE SCAR ON MY FACE FROM WHEN YOU THREW THE SCISSORS

BUG MAN
I THINK IF YOU ASKED 100 BRITISH PEOPLE WHAT THE 'TEA THING THAT AMERICANS ALWAYS TALK ABOUT' IS NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM WOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT
I ONLY KNOW ABOUT IT BECAUSE OF MY SHIT SIBLING

Technoblade
ahem

BUG MAN
I AM SORRY TECHNOBLADE YOU ARE NOT SHIT

Technoblade
I think our father just might get an anonymous tip about who wrote that trip advisor review on the police station.

BUG MAN
NO TECHNOBLADE YOU WOULDN'T DARE

Technoblade
hmm but I would

George
TRIP ADVISOR REVIEW?

BUG MAN
I JUST WROTE THAT THEY WERE PRICKS AND ACAB AND MAYBE ALSO THAT I THOUGHT THAT THEY SHOULD ALL SUCK THEIR MOTHERS

George
wHat?

BUG MAN
I'LL TELL HIM ABOUT THE ARSON

Technoblade
hm
you have tied my hands you small child.

Dream
AHAHA YOU WERE BESTED BY A CHILD

Technoblade
did I or did I not beat you 7-3 in the sword fight?

Dream
4-7 you disrespect my honor

George
WHEN WAS THE SWORD FIGHT?

Sapnap
on saturday
I invited you, but you didn't answer my text because you were ASLEEP

BUG MAN
YEAH IT WAS SO COOL THOUGH
TECHNOBLADE WAS RIDING THE OSTRICH BUT THEN IT TURNED ON ME SO I HIT IT IN THE LEGS
LUCKILY ME AND SLIMECICLE READ THE WIKI-HOW

George
HOLY SHIT YOU ACTUALLY GOT THE OSTRICH?

Ranboo
I really want to know this theory now

BUG MAN
I FEEL AS THOUGH I MAY HAVE HYPED IT UP TOO MUCH NOW

Wilbur
tell uss

BUG MAN
OK
YOU CAN'T BE SCARED OF SOMETHING IF YOU CAN CHIN IT, OR SCRAN IT

Tubbo
ok... in practice?

BUG MAN
I AM NOT SCARED OF DREAM BECAUSE I CAN
hold on what are ur pronouns today Dream??????

Dream
They/he :)

BUG MAN
I AM NOT SCARED OF DREAM BECAUSE I COULD EASILY CHIN THEM
ONE HIT AND HE'S ON THE FUCKING FLOOR
OUT LIKE A LIGHT
THEY'RE FUCKING LIGHTER THAN A GREGG'S VANILLA SLICE

Dream
HOLD ON
I LITERALLY GO TO THE GYM EVERY DAY
AND I'M 6'3

BUG MAN
WELL FUCKING DONE BITCH I'M ALSO 6'3 AND I DON'T NEED TO GO TO THE GYM BECAUSE I'M NATURALLY HENCH

Wilbur
Tommy.
you're 6' at best.
and you're the lankiest fucker I've ever met

BUG MAN
FUCK OFF WILBUR
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I GET ALL THE BITCHES

Wilbur
tommy
you're aro/ace

BUG MAN
YES I KNOW
ALL OF THE WOMEN FLOOD AROUND ME AND THEY ALL GO
'OHOHO TOMMY YOU ARE A SEXY MAN' AND I GO NONO L A D I E S
NOT TODAY I AM FOLLOWING GOD
AND YOU GET NO WOMEN AND THEN YOU WRITE SHIT SONGS ABOUT HOW YOU DON'T GET WOMEN

Wilbur
hm.
I'm sure dad would love to know about how you stole his whole coriander plant so you could roll it up and pretend it was cush?

BUG MAN
HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT

Wilbur
I know all

BUG MAN
I'M SURE DAD WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHO MADE THE SAND CASTLE ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE AND WHO'S FAULT IT IS THAT THE WHOLE KITCHEN IS COVERED IN SAND HM???????

Wilbur
shit

BUG MAN
ANYWAY BACK TO MY INCREDIBLE THEORY
I AM NOT SCARED OF WILBUR BECAUSE I COULD CLART HIM
I AM SCARED OF FEET BECAUSE YOU CAN NEITHER CHIN NOR SCRAN THEM
I AM NOT SCARED OF GOD BECAUSE I COULD CHIN HIM
I AM SCARED OF THE CONCEPT OF DECAY BECAUSE I CAN NEITHER CHIN NOR SCRAN IT.
I AM NOT SCARED OF CHICKEN BECAUSE I COULD SCRAN IT

Wilbur
fair enough
what about rain?

BUG MAN
OHOHO
I AM NOT SCARED OF RAIN BECAUSE IF I FROZE IT I COULD EASILY SCRAN IT

Dream
what about America?

BUG MAN
THATS ALL YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT ISN'T IT MX. CHEESEBORGUR
I AM NOT SCARED OF AMERICA BECAUSE I COULD EASILY CHIN IT.
I CANNOT SCRAN IT, HOWEVER, BECUASE I WOULD DIE OF DIABETES

Ranboo
what about the sea? I know you're scared of that and you could 'scran' it if you froze it?

BUG MAN
DONT BE RIDICULOUS RANBOOB YOU COULD NOT SCRAN THE SEA IT IS SIMPLY TOO SALTY

Karl
oh my god what did I arrive to??

BUG MAN
SIMPLE WE ARE PLAYING CHIN OR SCRAN

Karl
oh okay

Sapnap
jesus fucking christ why did I go on a fucking exchange programme?

Chapter Text

#Queerasaclockworkorange

Karl
Oh my GOD I am sick of fucking GCSE German.

BUG MAN
WHO THE FUCK WOULD TAKE GERMAN
WHAT A TWAT YOU ARE KARL JACOBS

Karl
...how do you know my second name?

BUG MAN
I KNOW FUCKING ALL

George
Ye Germans shit
you got death by grammar yet?

Karl
course
at the end of every fucking topic
like when am I gonna need to describe die environmentweltfreundlich??

George
in der zukunft, Sie wirst.

Dream
you formed that so fucking wrong babe

George
HUH 
I JUST DIDN'T THO

Dream
Its 'werden Sie' numbnuts. xx
plus why the fuck are you calling Karl Sie??? mans is clearly a Du.
ratio +L +get a job +Still be my boyfriend I love you 

George
Well I'M SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW IF I'D KNOWN TIME LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BECOME A DU

Karl
Na Gogy We're on Du terms

George
o h 
swag

BUG MAN
WTF ARE YOU SAYING??

Wilbur
in German, you can form the word 'you' in three ways that I know of 'ihr, Sie (with a capital, otherwise means she) and Du'
ihr and Sie are polite, but Ihr is for more than one person, and Du is informal, used to speak to friends
like how you'd say hello to a stranger, but eyup to closer people.

BUG MAN
YOU DON'T DO GERMAN THOUGH WILM

Wilbur
doesn't mean I don't find the dialect fascinating

BUG MAN
STFU

Wilbur
scheisse Sie

George
DID YOU JUST FUCKIN-

BUG MAN
WHAT DID YOU SAY??

Dream
burn

Karl
AND WITH THE SIE-

George
LMAO

BUG MAN
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME-

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

George
Does anyone know a good place to eat that isn't the cAfEteRiA?

that place is giving me brain achies today 

Dream
oh sure
meet me outside locker 156

Karl
u takin him to the tree?

Dream
yup

BUG MAN
couple goals

Wilbur
aren't you doing a test Rn?

BUG MAN
I SENSED THE COUPLE GOALS SO I SAID THE COUPLE GOALS

Wilbur
TOMMY GET BACK TO THE PAPER

BUG MAN
Na I finished it anyways

Wilbur
oh good
did you do good?

BUG MAN
Eh
I think I've got all the marks
I'll start stabbing if I don't

Sapnap
HOL UP
ALL THE MARKS??
YOU GET A NINE IF YOU GET HALF?????

BUG MAN
oh yeah
gifted kid burnout shit means that I can't aim for reasonable things
all or fucking nothing man
I know I could probs get it without revision but I'm not taking any chances
I want all of the marks so the teacher can't say she's disappointed in me again
though she'll probably find SOMETHING to drag 
'ThE wAy yOu FoRm yOuR x's ArEnT uP tO cAmBrIdGE lEvEl'

Sapnap
huh

BUG MAN
well yeah
last time I aimed for a nine
got it
and the teacher told me 'I made some silly mistakes and she was dissapointed in me'
lol

Wilbur
tommy gets a lot of pressure put on him by teachers

BUG MAN
yeah
my year three teacher told me I had to go to cambridge

Sapnap
oh man

BUG MAN
Yup
its ~Stressful~
I'm aware I sound like a twat now though

Sapnap
u don't king.

BUG MAN
thanks
but I feel like a twat.

Dream
no hold on you might be onto something there Tommy
so you just aim for all of the marks?

BUG MAN
Yep
you gotta not speedrun the paper too
even tho that's the most fun part
read every question to make sure you get all of the marks

Dream
Oh my god you just made my mind have a breakthrough
holy shit
I haven't felt this smart since the stupid reading age tests in the third grade

BUG MAN
oh fuck yeah those things were brilliant
age fifteen at nine? fuck yeah never felt smarter
now I can't do 8-3
is it six? is it five? I'll never fuckin know

Dream
oh my god yeah
134 iq at twelve? my parents making me apply for mensa? fucking awesome.
now I'm sixteen and I can't spell the word peice. is it peice? it sounds like it should be?
piece looks so wrong

BUG MAN
IT DOES THOUGH

Wilbur
hold on I have an idea

#giftedkidburnoutvibes

Wilbur
we are those who peaked in primary
we are those who can do quadraticicals like a breeze, but can't remember what letter the word cheesecake begins with
we are those who's childhoods were stolen by pushy teachers and sad faces on 99/100
this is gifted kid burnout paradise.

BUG MAN
I feel... at home

Dream
god yeah
add techno

Technoblade
I have arrived
I feel as though I am with my people

Ranboo
... you have judged me aptly
anyone else remember conscientious being like the only adjective teachers used on you

Dream
and bright
don't forget bright

BUG MAN
FUCK YEAH god we are... mildly traumatized. 

Technoblade
*scoffs* yeah, mildly

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

Karl
how did y'alls date go?

George
Hm
it was shit

Dream
He's lying
he thinks I'm incredibly attractive

Sapnap
Gogy you know bios starting in about five mins right?

George
ugh fuck bio

Sapnap
true
it's like a seizure waiting to happen

George
and the teacher thinks you can 'catch gay'
like if a gay person coughs on her she'll come down with a case of homosexuality??????

Sapnap
shes a prick

George 
tru

Dream
I'll get him back for bio, Mrs George

Sapnap
uhh

Dream
I'll get him back for bio, Mx. George

Sapnap
thanks

Dream
np 
should've checked first my bad on that one
message was deleted by Dream

Sapnap
is alr
ppl at this school don't seem to really get the whole trans thing.
if all of the student body keeps she/her-ing me I'll she/Hurl myself of a bridge
they seem to think that because they use Lean instead of Leanne like I started trialing with my parents A FUCKING YEAR AGO that they don't need to use my pronouns, which sucks literal ASS
plus my parents are dead set that wanting my pronouns to change is about control.
like what the fuck does that even mean??
I use Sapnap here because it makes me comfortable, but I want to change everywhere else, but I know my parents won't budge if I bring it up until I've been using Sapnap here for at least a year
I just wish I'd come to them with Sapnap in the first place.
sorry for the rant

Dream
no
it's fine
I'm really sorry about all of that shit Sap

Sapnap
yeah it's fine
at least they didn't kick me out lol
gaslight gatekeep girlboss am I right?

George
meet me at the tree Sap
we're skiving off bio and getting monster

Sapnap
I've never tried monster before
protective parent checkkk

George
it tastes like ass

Wilbur
wHat 
no it doesn't

George
is this a bad time to mention my tastebuds are fucked too?

Wilbur
so are mine!!!

George
ayy lick bros

Wilbur
never utter, type or even think the color of those words again GaylordGogy69.

George
on it

Chapter Text

#Queerasaclockworkorange

BUG MAN
HELLO YOU SILLY FUCKS

Toob
Hello :D

BUG MAN
I'M IN THE MOOD TO GASLIGHT

Dream
o h

George
Wtf

Toob
guys I'm at the park theres a guy shouting at clouds
I want to give them a hug

Dream
NO TUBBO
HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE HOUSE?????????
YOU'RE GROUNDED

Toob
they seem so nice tho D:

Karl
Tubbo they are not nice. 
I repeat NOT NICE

George
tubbo how old are you?

Toob
15!

George
*sigh* 
Tubbo lets play the run away game

Toob
oOoOh

BUG MAN
NO TUBBO ASSERT YOUR DOMINANCE AND SHOUT AT THE CLOUDS LOUDER THAN HIM

George
okay
to play the run away game
you just gotta ~sprint~ home and, the first four people you come into contact with, you gotta avoid eye contact, and run AWAY from them
I'll time you kay?

Toob
OKAY!!!

Dream ---> George

Dream
holy shit thank you he's home


George
np my siblings are shitheads too

Dream
how many u got?

George
9

Dream
HOLY FuCk

George
I'm the middle child

Dream
I feel for u bb

George
ew

Dream
GEORGE I'M UR PARTNER

George
you sound like one of those 'couple goals' bitches
if you do that again we're breaking up /j

Dream
OH 
alright homie

George
...
better

#Genderbenders

Ranboo
guys

Wilbur
ye?

Ranboo
does anyone have a spare binder? :/

BUG MAN
I CAN GET YOU ONE IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING WHY??

Ranboo
my mom burned mine

BUG MAN
OH SHIT YEAH ONE SEC

Wilbur
holy shit are you ok????

Ranboo
yeah I'm fine she just went a little manic and I can't afford a new one rn

BUG MAN
what size do you need quing?

Ranboo
Medium thank you so much I'll pay u back

BUG MAN
np
ordered now :)

Technoblade
who do I need to kill for you?

Ranboo
no one
really I'm fine
she's alr
she's gone back to the physc ward 

Dream
who's taking care of you??

Ranboo
Myself
cuz Eret and Niki are at my Dad's
it's no fuss tho
really

Wilbur
we have a spare room
you're welcome any time
plus if u need one while that ones on order my dad probs has some in the back of his closet

Sapnap
holy shit Ranboo do Eret and Niki know?

Eret
now we do

Fam-chat!!! participants (literal queen, Baker brilliance, I forgor)

literal Queen
she still got her phone?

I forgor
no.

literal Queen
you use correct punctuation when U lyin

I forgor
no, I do not.

literal Queen
u know I need to call her right?

I forgor
yeah

literal Queen
I can't get you to dad's 

I forgor
figured
he's in switzerland

Baker Brilliance
I'm so sorry ran
I thought she would be fine

I forgor
so did I

Literal queen
I'll talk to the minecrafts

The syndicate+ crime boys (WE HACKED IT) participants- (Bird man, pig person, mud boi, sand boi, king, Niki :))

King
Phil we need a favour

Bird man
tommy already told me
Ranboo is welcome at ours whenever end needs it

Sand boi
yeah Ranboo can come whenever

King
thank you
but we need you to pick it up
end doesn't seem to think they need to go.

Niki :)
theres like a 50% chance they'll refuse to leave.

Pig person
I can convince it

Mud boi
I'm very good at convincing

King
thank you so much

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

Dream
YOOOOO
how are y'all?

George
good

BUG MAN
EAUGHAWUGH STOP FLIRTING ON MAIN

George
what

BUG MAN
I MEAN COUPLE GOALS BUT GOD GOGY KEEP IT TO YOURSELF

Dream
ae literally just said good

BUG MAN
BUT IT WAS THE W A Y AE SAID IT
AE WAS ALL LIKE eflweugh g o O d yueahgr

Dream
those- those are just letters

BUG MAN
BLOODY AMERICAN TOSSER
WITH YOUR F A N N Y PACKS

Dream
whats wrong with fanny packs?

Karl
british people have them too
they're just called bUm bAgS

George
uh... guys?
shhh

BUG MAN
AHAHA SAY FANNY PACK AGAIN DREAM

Dream
Fanny pack?

BUG MAN
AHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAH

Toob
LMAO

Wilbur
lol

Dream
what is wrong with a fanny pack?

BUG MAN
A FANNY IS A WOMAN'S V I G I N U G H

Karl
I'm dyslexic what the fuck does that say

Dream
fanny is not a vagina!
its like
your ass

BUG MAN
IN THE QUEENSLAND WHERE YOU CAME FROM YOU REMEMBER THAT YOU CHEESEBORGOR PRICKS WE CALL A PUSSY A FANNY SOMETIMES

Wilbur
It's also the name of really old ladies

George
^^

Karl
I've been scarred for life
what are english people

George
I'm not english
ACTUALLY 

Dream
wait George what??

George
I'm welsh
how did you not know this?
I literally call you Annywl all the fucking time

Dream
I thought that was british

George
it IS
It's welsh
wales is in Britain.

Dream
huh

George
so is england
and scotland
and northern ireland

Dream
so what the fuck is happening with the rest of ireland?

Wilbur
OH NO
lets not get into that right now

Toob
yeah STEER AWAY

Dream
hold on what

Dream was muted for 300 seconds

Wilbur
*breathes sigh of relief*

George
you did good wilbur
so good

Karl
...wh-

Karl was muted for 400 seconds

Chapter Text

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

BUG MAN
HELLO ALL OF YOU BITCHETTES BITCHBOYS AND BITCH G E N D E R V O I D S

Karl
hello tommy!

Wilbur
ayup cocker

BUG MAN
AYUP ME DUCK! HOW DO?

Wilbur
not too bad
I'm alraight
yourself?

BUG MAN
NOT TOO BAD NOT TOO BAD
HOW'S THE WIFE?

Wilbur
oh, she's Wifing

BUG MAN
REALLY?
SHE BETTER NOT GET HER WIFE ALL OVER ME

Wilbur
I have managed to contain the wife
fancy goin down t' pub?

BUG MAN
I'D LOVE A PINT WITH YOU COCKER

Wilbur
then off t' pub we pop

George
hm

Karl
I feel as if I just had a fever dream.

Dream
did you say... Dream?

George
piss off

Dream
love you too

BUG MAN
COUPLE GOALS

George
piss off

BUG MAN
I WOULD IF I COULD BUT I'M TRAPPED HERE

George
trapped where?

BUG MAN
IN THIS SUB-PAR CHATFIC

Karl
is... that another British thing?

Wilbur
... y e s

#16+

Karl
PENIS

George
...yes?

Dream
did you just

George
I did.
bitch.

Dream
this is an abusive relationship

#16+

George
I'm thinking about fazballs

Karl
you're
what??

George
thinking about f a z b a l l s

Wilbur
you confuse me, Gogy

George
IT WAS ONE TIME

#General

Wilbur
I'm going to the shops
anyone want anything?

George
Avocado

Dream
they taste like soap tho

George
I know.
I know

Wilbur
that was so ominous
anyone else want anything else

Karl
serotonin. 

Ranboo
a sleep schedule

Technoblade
can you return my crippling need to see every minute issue through the myopic lens of my own self actualization?

BUG MAN
BEER

Karl
did techno the blade just quote our lord and savior Robert Burnham?????

Technoblade
yes.
I hate myself for the fact that man is my special interest.

Wilbur 
at least urs is cool
mine is the guitar and anteaters

BUG MAN
yeah bo burhnam has content
mine is small bugs and shit specifically spiders I have this one named shroud
AND ALSO WOMEN I LOVE WOMEN

George
mine is avocadoes.

Dream
WTF IS WITH YOU AND AVOCADOES

George
only god knows.

Karl
mine is survivor and I'm not even upset about that tbh

Dream
lol
mine is watching minecraft speedruns

Ranboo
oh swag
whats a special interest??

Dream
its like a hyperfixation kinda.

Ranboo
oh 
mines Dungeons and Dragons

Toob
NO SHIT!!!
i FUCKIN LOVE D AND D

Ranboo
oh my god
holy shit
my brain just malfunctioned
does this mean
I can talk about it?????

Toob
YES!!!!! TELL ME ALL ABOUR UR CHARACTER KING

Ranboo
my character's name is alexa jeff bezos and I'm an aasimar rogue I'm level 8 and I am dangerously stupid (7 with a -2 modifier +3 on proficiencies.)
my backstory is that I'm fighting to be 
I'm chaotic neutral and my DM hates me because I keep asking random NPC's what their names are and then going 'no shit! thats my name too' even though I'm famous for creating the shopping website amazonia and they all know my name but I have +5 on deception and +4 on performance so I keep gaslighting all of them 

Toob
Tell more!!!!

Ranboo
holy shit this is so swag
like you actually care?

Toob
YES

Ranboo
well I kept spinning while I was in his homebrew campaign because my character is chaotic neutral and I also threatened to stab the dragon born in our party so he stabbed me and I had to do two death saving rolls and I was so scared I was gonna lose my character.
and when we did the hoarde of the dragon queen (praise tiamat)  my party chose to fight the dragonborn creature in the keep in greennest (more specifically the half-orc, I know, they lost) and I told it to fuck off so it slaughtered one of the family XD

Dream
I know what most of those words mean separately but no clue what the whole thing means together

Ranboo
sorry I'll be quiet

Toob
NO FUCKING WAY YOU FOUGHT THE DRAGONBORN????
MY PARTY PAID IT OFF

Ranboo
:D
whats ur character??

Toob
I DM

Ranboo
WHEN

Toob
ON A THURSDAY NIGHT
WE NEED A NEW PARTY MEMBER IF YOU'RE UP FOR IT

Ranboo
HOLY SHIT
YES

Chapter Text

#General

Technoblade
hello

BUG MAN
WHAT DO YOU WANT
BITCH

Technoblade
nice to speak to you too, Tommy.

Niki
Hey techno :)

Dream
Hello pig person.

Technoblade
I need someone with money, scissors, an old t-shirt, access to the local savers, ten packets of corn chips, and a prosthetic leg

Niki
I have scissors, and old tees

Eret
I have disposable income

Sapnap
I know a prosthetic leg guy

Karl
HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYONE????

Dream
I have corn chips
why?

Technoblade
it is three am.

Dream
that 
that is not an explanation

Technoblade
I feel as if brown hair does not strike fear into my enemies hearts; I wish for my hair to be as red as the blood I spill.

Karl
MOTHERFUCKER JUST USED A SEMICOLON

Niki
I'll be round at ur house with red hair dye + bleach 

Technoblade
my house is no go

Dream
y?

Wilbur
our bitchass brother escaped again

Technoblade
^^

Karl
Tommy did WHAT

Technoblade
not Tommy

Wilbur
tuther' one

BUG MAN
I ROAM FREELY 
THE WIND TAKES ME WHERE I WANT TO GO

Technoblade
he's like a cat

BUG MAN
FUCK U FUCK U FUCK U

Wilbur
It's true
I've seen him napping on windowsills more times than I can count on my hands

Toob
yeah, I'm pretty sure he purrs

Niki
he definetly purrs

BUG MAN
THATS NOT THE POINT
OUR BROTHER ESCAPED

Sapnap
SINCE WHEN WERE THERE FOUR OF YOU???????

Wilbur
oh theres five
if you count jim

Technoblade
we don't talk about jim.

BUG MAN
we don't talk about jim.

Karl
WHAT

Toob
so where's he gotten off to this time?

Ranboo
oh shit I see vi

BUG MAN
HOLY SHIT

Wilbur
okay where is vi?

Ranboo
he's on the swing in the local park.
its really eerie istg

Technoblade
describe vir

Ranboo
okay
he has short, black hair
is vi throwing bottles that are ON FIRE???
this kid has the fucking raspiest voice y'all will ever hear

Wilbur
sounds like him.
I'll be there in fifteen, tell me if he moves.

Niki
Tech you can come over to mine for the dye

Technoblade
thank god
this house has gone manic while the kid has been missing.

Dream
ayo can I come
I'm sick of getting called a dumb blonde

George
Dream. babe. yesterday you asked me how they got all the ice through the small hole in the water bottle.

Sapnap
remember when you asked me what letter the word YES began with?????

Dream
this is abuse.

Niki
ye sure
you're bringing the dye tho

Dream
WHY ARE U BUYING TECHNO'S AND NOT MINE??

Niki
because it won the sword fight

Technoblade
NERRRRD

Dream
D:

George
<3

Dream
D;

when the doorbell to Niki's apartment rung, she got up from typing on her phone, casting it down on the ring-marked coffee table, casting a cursory glance at the pile of dyes on their counter as she walked to the intercom.
everything was quiet throughout the four rooms her, her sibling, and (on occasion) their mother all shared.
Ran had disappeared earlier in the night, and, after frantic texting, end promised it was safe, sending a selfie of them and some black-haired kid on a swing.
only a little nerve spread through her bones, at the reflection of fire in the sunglasses Ran usually wore.
though, she kept herself to herself with it, and left them to it.
end was smart... enough. they wouldn't get into a situation they couldn't get out of... right?

she shook her head, as if to dislodge the thought, pressing down the button. "hello?" she said, voice cracking only slightly.
she was still getting used to her new voice trainers methods, however... obscure they may be.
the feeling of leaving an ice cube on her Adam's apple was incredibly unpleasant, and most sessions she left feeling as if they were useless.
the channel buzzed with static for a moment.
"it's me." Niki chuckled, recognising the low, monotone, voice.
"you've gotta be more specific than that, I'm afraid."
she heard it huff through the phone. "its Techno." it's voice sounded bored, and strained. most of the time it did. it had a habit of putting on a sort of tone that made it impervious to other people.
it was what made it so endearing.
she smiled fondly, buzzing it in.

a few moments later, she heard a soft tap on her door.
she groaned slightly as she stood up from the sofa, pulling herself away from whatever mess the groupchat was.
the door swung open quickly, and she registered the tall brunette, stood awkwardly in the middle of the door.
it shuffled from one foot to another, restlessly fiddling with a fidget in-between it's fingers.
"come on in." she offered, voice light, and friendly.
"hullo." it said, walking at a slow pace.
Niki frowned. she didn't like how much it towered over her, but she would learn to accept the fact.
"I uh- bought a few different ones, I didn't know what kind of-"
she was cut off by techno chuckling "mauve kiss?"
She scoffed, running a hand through her hair. "yeah, they call them really stupid shit."
Techno paused for a moment, deliberating between the four different pinks that sat in-front of it.
"I uh- I like this one." it said, picking up a pastel-pink, and showing it to Niki.
Niki smiled.
"alright-" she paused for a moment, looking at her own, bleach blonde hair with light disdain, and picking up her own, cotton candy pink from the table too.
Techno shuffled awkwardly again, before it ripped open the packet, fiddling with the tube of color cream before picking up the other bottle, and attempting to pour them into one another.
"No" chuckled Niki, stepping forward, and giving it a questioning look as she held out her hands for the bottle.
it's cheeks turned lightly pink from embarrassment, before it handed over the items, like a scolded child.
Niki smiled, pressing her hand to it's as they exchanged the dyes.
Techno stiffened for a moment, before relaxing entirely to the touch, nodding in a thanks, before stepping back.
Niki smiled, before going into hairdresser mode.

"right- you have brown hair, right?"
Technoblade's brow furrowed "...yes?"
she grinned softly "colorblind."
its eyebrow's raised in surprise.

"so... to be a Pinkett, you're gonna need to bleach it first." it frowned.
"why can't I just put on the pink?"
Niki paused for a moment, thinking of how to explain it. "right... the color can't bond to something darker."
Technoblade though for a second. "like displacement?"
she smiled, clapping her hands together, "yes!" Techno flinched, and she put her arms down. "...sorry."
it put on a fake smile "s' fine."

when they had gotten settled in Niki's bathroom, Techno began fiddling with the bath's taps as Niki ran gentle, practiced hands along it's scalp.
Techno frowned down at the water, turning on and off with a violent groan from the inner workings of the building.
from it's perch on the toilet, it could just see itself in the large, circular mirror.
it liked the look of it's long hair, scalp coated in purple cream.
Niki moved quickly, and the sound of lathering hair filled the bathroom.
Niki looked down at techno, to see how it was doing, and found it with it's eyes closed, a contented smile on it's face.

she smiled softly, covering the ends of it's hair.

"Right tech... that's gonna take... an hour and a half-" she was cut off by the buzzing of the intercom again.
she furrowed her brows, setting a quick timer on her phone, and dashing off to the box.

"who is it?" she asked, politely. it might be her mother's social worker.
"the loser of the sword fight." grumbled Dream through the mic.
she laughed softly, buzzing him up.

"Dream's here!" she shouted through to techno, who responded with an annoyed grunt.

when Dream got to the door, he stood with a grin, and two blue plastic bags, one in either hand.
Niki smiled, letting them in with a gesture.

Dream stood, looking oddly out of place in the homely house, sheathed in a huge green anorak, his hair covering his eyes, all sodden from the rain.
"I uh- brought- I don't know shit about hair dye, so I bought like three different greens and like three bleaches because one of them says I need bleach but my mom said that my hair is already like bleach so I called her, but there was no network connection, and the worker looked pissed-"
Niki calmed them with a hand on their shoulder.
"hey. you did great."
Dream smiled, eyes drooping slightly in content at the comment.

a few moments later, Dream was sat in the bath, scrolling on his phone as Niki applied Green to the tips of his hair.
"god, this is gonna look so fuckin sick-" he said, shaking slightly. 
Niki smiled, nodding, before looking back over at Techno.

"you alright?" she said, gently.
it seemed to be staring off into space, biting on it's lip.
it nodded, almost frantically, before signing something, that Niki didn't catch.
she furrowed her brow. "Um- I'm sorry- I don't know sign-"
Dream looked up from his phone, quirking a brow.
Techno sat back, looking glum.
Dream put his phone down. making a clattering sound against the bath, before signing rapidly.

whats up?

It's eyes lit up, smiling gently.
Dream nodded, looking completely focused as to what it was signing.

"It wants to know if the bleach is supposed to burn."
Niki laughed gently, turning to techno.
"yeah, sometimes it does. if... if it gets too bad, tell me, and I'll take it off."
It nodded, signing something again, the movements too fast for Niki to catch a single letter.

Dream smiled gently. 
"yeah, no, Tubbo sometimes goes non-verbal, so me and him learnt it together, so they would be able to communicate. It's a bitch trying to learn BSL after ASl.
Technoblade grinned, signing again.
Dream nodded. "No shit."

Niki relaxed, masaaging green into the tips of Dream's hair, watching the conversation, though she knew not a word of one of the languages spoken.

by the time Dream's hair was finished, Niki was washing off Techno's.
Techno frowned at the pure white hair, signing something.

Dream laughed out loud, turning back to his phone.
Niki raised an eyebrow, looking at Dream.
when Dream noticed her looking, he sprung into action. "oh, It said I look like if Santa had a child with Mark Zuckerberg."
Niki chuckled.
"lets get the pink on." Techno nodded, sitting itself back on the closed toilet lid.

when Niki had finished washing Dream's new frosted Green tips, the door buzzed yet again.

she walked up to it, huffing.
"who is it?"
silence filled her ears, anticipation coursing through her.
"Hey Niki!" said Ranboo through the mic.
Niki jumped. "Ranboo! Du darfst mich nicht erschrecken!" she said, breathing heavily
you must not scare me!
there was silence again. "Entshuldigung Schwester."
sorry, sister
Niki sighed. "es ist okay." she  said, buzzing them in.

Ranboo and Niki spoke in German to each other most times, mostly drilled into them by their mother.
"sei stolz auf deine Geschichte!" 

roughly translating to "Be proud of your story!"
Ranboo was the second biological child of Niki's mother, though Eret mostly lived with them too.

Niki's mother and father had met on a photography trip, to paris.
her brash, German mother, and her equally harsh swiss father, had met in the middle.
when their parents had gotten together, their father already had a six-month old son- Eret.
but, as soon as Niki was born, a year later, the two became inseparable. 

when Niki was six, her parents divorced.
she remembered her mother screaming in angry German, and then whisking the three children away.
Niki remembered the blotched mascara and the premiere inn, and packing up her whole life.

Niki remembered her mother telling her a little secret.
"the baby?"
Niki nodded slowly, looking at a little Ranboo, swaddled in blankets, oblivious to the damp stains on the walls, and smell of mold in the air
"it's not your fathers." the grin on her mother's face was as if she had received a gift.

over the next few years, her mother became more restless. more... angry.
she went to court with her (ex) husband, vying for custody.
after a biology test, it was proved that Ranboo was, in fact, not their fathers.

Eret was given back to their father, and had no access to seeing their step-mother.
Niki's mother was given full custody of Ranboo, and she...
well she travels on a plane every month to see her father.

she sighed, opening the door for Ran, who nodded at her.
"Guten abend." it said, smiling. 
Good evening
Niki rolled her eyes. "Ich denke du meinst guten morgen, sheissekopf."
I think you mean good morning, shithead

Ranboo laughed. "ah, aber schwester, es ist vier uhr! das ist abend!"
Ah, sister, It's four o'clock! that is evening
Niki glowered at them. 
"vier uhr morgens, Ranboo." it paled.
Four in the morning, Ranboo

Dream watched the two conversing in German with a lightly puzzled look on his face. he grinned.
"Ich mochte drei kartoffeln, bitte?" he spoke up.
Niki turned to him, a confused look on her face, before she burst out laughing.
"Did you just ask me for four potatoes?" Dream went bright pink, his hair still wet from washing off the dye.

the two kept conversing in fast German, Dream absolutely lost.
"uhh... Niki?"
she spat something in German he didn't catch, before turning to him again.
"there are three kids in your doorway."
Niki jumped, turning to face, indeed, three teenagers, shuffling awkwardly.
"we are so sneaky!" shouted the tall, blonde one
then, a short brunette jumped out, giggling, followed by a gangly black haired kid. the third seemed out of place, their hood up.
Niki recognized them, or, rather, the small slither of eye she could see between the mask and the hood from the picture Ranboo had sent.

"Tubbo! why aren't you in bed?" said Dream, surging forward to deal with his little brother, who stood up straight, putting their chin in the air
"I could say the same to you!" Dream frowned. 
"I have been at Niki's apartement all night, and I text Dad!"
Tubbo paused, looking scuppered. "uh- well- you dyed your hair!"
Dream rolled his eyes. "I called mom for advice on what color to get."
Tubbo's jaw dropped, as if his whole plan had fallen through.
"you, young man, have been wandering the streets of fucking L'manberg at Four am-" Dream could hear the same conversation next to him, just in German.
It was nice that older sibling sterness was international.
"we weren't wandering-"
"oh, so you didn't just happen to pick up this lanky fucker behind you? hm?" Dream said, almost towering over Tubbo, who shook.

"actually, I'm Tommy's brother." said the person, their voice deeper and croakier than expected.
Dream's eyesbrow's rose in surprise.
"It's true, He's a bitch." Said Tommy, laying on Niki's couch, can of coke between his hands.
"where did you get that from? I don't even have coke in-"
"I have my ways." he said, rubbing his thieving little hands together.
Techno walked out of the bathroom, coughing.
Both Tommy and the husky-voiced boy stood up straighter. "oh heyy techno..." Said Tommy, earning him a glare.
"Hello Technoblade." Said the hooded one.
Techno rolled his eyes, signing fast.
Tommy's eyes furrowed for a moment, before continuing to watch the movements.
"what's- what's he doing?" Said the noirette
Technoblade stiffened.
Tommy rolled his eyes, turning to face the boy
"Techno's pronouns are it/its." Techno smiled, nodding in gratitude, before his face steeled again.
"yeah- yeah I know tech- He ran away- ok- well- that's not Fair!" he said, whining.
"what's it saying?" Tommy huffed.
"It's saying that Phil's not gonna be happy I took the new foster kid for a nightride. and, that it is going to tell Phil as soon as we get home."
the kid's face dropped. "M' I getting sent back?" said the kid, their usually happy voice breaking ever so slightly.
Tommy's face fell into one of empathy. "Fuck no! Phil doesn't send kids back unless they kill someone! even then..."
Techno signed quickly. Tommy nodded. "we don't talk about jim."
the kid sighed. "I'm just gonna get grounded for a month or some shit." 
he nodded, biting his lip.

they stood, staring at each other for a while.
"well... I can't really take Tubbo home, since we live across town, and I walked." Niki nodded. 
"you- you can sleep on my sofa!" Dream smiled gratefully.
Techno signed
"oh and- Technoblade says that was should stay too. and that you should give me drugs."
techno rolled his eyes, signing more violently now.
"No! don't steal my racoon! Technoblade said that if it's not too much trouble if we could stay here for another few hours till Wilbur comes."
Niki nodded, watching as the hooded kid's fingers traced over a hair dye.
"Um- I can dye your hair, if you like?"
the kid looked up, eyes wide. "will- will Mr. Phil allow it?"
Tommy scoffed "Phil doesn't give a shit what color your hair is."
"can- can you split dye it?"
Niki smiled
"sure!"

Chapter Text

#GENERAL

BUG MAN
ESCUSE ME MR @Quackity CAN YOU COME DOWN TO THE PUBLIC LIBRARY PLS :))))))

Ranboo
yeah mr @Quackity please can you come

Toob
yeah like right now

Ranboo
right now would be preffered

BUG MAN
RIGHT NOW WOULD BE BEST

Wilbur
what the fuck did you guys do

BUG MAN
NOTHING

Toob
tommy got arrested again

BUG MAN
TUBBO
BEE BOY
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???

Wilbur
Tommy did WHAT

BUG MAN
I HATHENT BEEN 'ARRESTED' PERSE...

Ranboo
did you just use the word 'hathent' in a sentence?

BUG MAN
SHUT THE FUCK UP RANBOOB 
I HAVE BEEN...
momentarily detained before my legal guardian can arrive

Wilbur
Tommy what the fuck did you do

BUG MAN
IT WASN'T JUST ME
RANBOO AND TUBBO WERE DOING IT TOO

Quackity
hold on
on my way

Ranboo
thank you mr Quackity lawyer man

Toob
THREE CHEERS FOR MR QUACKITY LAWYER MAN

Ranboo
HIP HIP

Toob
HOORAY!

Ranboo
HIP HIP

Toob
HOORAY

Ranboo
HIP HIP

BUG MAN
SHUT THE FUCK UP

Toob
(hooray)

Wilbur
SO WHAT IN THE FUCK'S NAME HAPPENED??

BUG MAN
okay well so we were in the library being rascals

Toob
tommy we were reading

BUG MAN
WE WERE EMINATING RASCAL VIBES

Toob
tommy the woman at the till literally said we were incredibly polite

BUG MAN
SHE SAID THAT BECAUSE SHE WAS UNDER THE POWER OF THE RASCALS

Wilbur
GET TO THE POINT

Ranboo
benchtrio penis game

Wilbur
OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU DID NOT

BUG MAN
...would you prefer if I said we didn't?

Quackity 
what the fuck is a penis game? 
that shit sounds dodgy as fuck

BUG MAN
HOW DARE YOU

Toob
PENIS IS A SACRED GAME TO BRITISH YOUTH

BUG MAN
we will now explain the rules.

Ranboo
to begin the game, player one must say the word 'penis' at any chosen volume.

Toob
then, player two, must then say it also at any chosen volume, but, that volume must be louder than the aforementioned player's 'Penis'

BUG MAN
if you so choose, then player three must say it louder than player two.

Ranboo
this can go on for as many players as you like

Toob
and once the last player has said 'penis' it goes back to player one.

Ranboo
the game ends when the player's whose turn it is refuses to say 'penis'

BUG MAN
the game can last for hours, with breaks between play lasting as long as players decide.

Toob
(mostly considered that over half an hour between penises the player loses by default)

Ranboo
the one rule is, you must say it louder than the last person.

Toob
the difficulty of 'penis' can be changed, simply by changing the word.

BUG MAN
other words include 
'KNOB'

Ranboo
or, for more tamer games

Toob
'bum'

BUG MAN
my personal favorite is 
'WANKER'

Toob
optimum places to play this game include

BUG MAN
Public spaces such as:
shopping malls

Ranboo
school classrooms

Toob
school assemblies

BUG MAN
beaches

Ranboo
or

Toob
public libraries

Quackity
how the fuck were you guys in such sync

BUG MAN
built different

Toob
Innit

Ranboo
Based

Wilbur
you fucking idiots.
how did you get ARRESTED??

BUG MAN
well
the library attendant may have told us to be quiet

Toob
and we kept going

Ranboo
then they got security

BUG MAN
and the guy said if we did it again, he'd kick us out

Toob
but it was tommy's turn

Ranboo
so as soon as the guy turned their back

BUG MAN
I screamed penis so loud I made the person  on the third floor have a LITTLE heart attack. 

Wilbur
fucking hell tommy

BUG MAN
IN MY DEFENCE
IN MY DEFENCE
I thought it would be funny
it was also a tic if that helps

Quackity
yeah that'll help to get you out king
I'm here
who am I?

BUG MAN
my older brother

Quackity
tommy.
we look nothing alike.

BUG MAN
I'M ADOPTED BITCH

Ranboo
sorry Mr. lawyer man

Toob
he doesn't mean that Mr. lawyer man.

Ranboo
its not him Mr. lawyer man

Toob
he's not himself when he's hungry Mr. lawyer man

Ranboo
like the snickers advert
please still help him Mr. lawyer man

Quackity
fine

Wilbur
thank you Quackity
I owe you one for this.

#Genderbenders

BUG MAN
GUESS WHAT FUCKERS
I'VE HAD OFFICIAL JAILTIME 
I'M ON PAROLE PUSSIES

Quackity
Tommy, you just have to work at the library for a few hours at the weekend

BUG MAN
I'VE DONE MY NICKEL I DON'T GIVE A FUCK

Quackity
tommy
they didn't even have a cell
you were sat in the break room.

BUG MAN
BECAUSE THEY KNEW I'D STAB ALL OF THE PEOPLE IN THAT ACTUAL JAIL
BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING BRILLIANT AND ALPHA MALE
THEY'D SEE THEM AND THEIR PRISON BRAINS WOULD JUST IMPLODE
AND THE LIBRARY PUSSIES DON'T WANT THEY BRAIN GOO ON THEIR PRISON WALLS

Quackity
when I got there they'd given you a juice box

BUG MAN
MANS GETS THIRSTY SOMETIMES
IT WAS ALL THEY HAD

Ranboo
Me and Tubbo got coffees

BUG MAN
THEY DON'T GIVE COFFEE TO HARDENED CRIMINALS LIKE ME
THEY KNOW I COULD PUT IT IN THEY EYES
FILL THEY EYES WITH LIQUID CAT SHIT

Toob
Tommy they offered you coffee.
you specifically asked for a juice box.

BUG MAN
THATS NOT TRUE
I specifically asked for choccy milk.
hardened criminals can also enjoy Yazoo from time to time.

Wilbur
how are you fourteen??

BUG MAN
THATS HOW AGE WORKS WILBUR
OH I'M WILBUR AND I CAN LEGALLY BUY RED BULL
FUCK YOU
PRICK

Badboyhalo
Language D:

BUG MAN
YOU DON'T LANGUAGE A HARDENED CRIMINAL PUSSBOY

Badboyhalo
-.-

Wilbur
Tommy when you got home you began crying

BUG MAN
ARE YOU TRYING TO OPRESS ME BITCHBUR BITCH
HARDENED CRIMINALS KNOW THAT THE REAL OFFENDER IS TOXIC MASCULINITY PRICKFACE
EVEN THE BEST CRIMINALS CRY
I MYSELF HAVE SEEN PABLO ESCOBAR IN THE PRISON I WAS IN HAVING A GOOD SOB
AND I WENT UP TO HIM I SAID PABLO, PABLO MY BOY IT IS OKAY TO CRY
AND HE WIPED HIS EYES AND HE STOOD UP AND HE SAID
YES TOMMY
OH TOMMY
TOMMYINNIT THE BIGGEST MAN EVER
YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING ALPHA MALE I LOOK AT YOU AND I JUST FUCKING MELT BECAUSE YOU ARE SUCH AN ALPHA.
I STILL HAVE BIG P'S PHONE NUMBER TO THIS DAY.

Wilbur
thats nice tom

BUG MAN
FUCK YOU

#Queerasaclockworkorange

Georgenotfound
it's my six month anniversary of me being added to this chat :D

Karl
YOOOOO

Sapnap
and we love having you here, king

Dream
so its our five month anniversary??

Georgenotfound
ye

Karl
oooh

Sapnap 
swag

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

Georgenotfound
I had a brilliant day today with you lot :)

Dream
yeah it was fun

BUG MAN
I HAD A GREAT TIME

Dream
where the fuck did you go?

BUG MAN
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SILLY FUCK?

Georgenotfound
Dream means that we only saw you once

BUG MAN
NO NO
I WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME

Dream
no, me and George were kissing, you popped up from a bush, said couple goals, then threw a piece of cheese at me.

BUG MAN
BUT I STAYED AFTERWARDS

Georgenotfound
no, you Wakanda-forevered back into the bush, and we watched you get up and sprint away box running.

BUG MAN
YOU MUST HAVE DEMENTIA YOU SILLY SILLY FUCKS

Dream
you confuse me.

BUG MAN
I CONFUSE MYSELF BIG D

Chapter Text

#BRITBOX

BUG MAN
ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THE FACT THAT MOST OLD BRITISH TV SHOWS ARE WRITTEN AS BEING ON BRITBOX BUT THEN THEY'RE JUST FUCKING NOT??

George
Yeah, I noticed that!!!!

Jack Manifold
Ayup Cocker! How do?

BUG MAN
Not Too bad me sen, Can't complain Babey

Jack Manifold
Ah! Good to 'ear matey

Technoblade
what is happening

Jack manifold
't FANCIES 'it's OWN BARRA it DO

BUG MAN
Fookin ten men over 'ere

Technoblade
what.

BUG MAN
I've got me' snap cocker! 

Jack Manifold
Take a Bob down t' shop and buy me some spice.

BUG MAN
HMM I'LL NEED MORE THAN A BOB IN THESE TIMES

Jack Manifold
WELL I CAN'T SPARE A FIVER PET

BUG MAN 
YOU'LL AVE TO FOR A MIX IN THIS CLIMATE

Jack Manifold
I miss when freddos cost 15p

BUG MAN?
Me too cocker
Me too.

Jack Manifold
Terra

BUG MAN
Terrah to you too our Jack

Technoblade
Is this what taking Drugs feels like?

George
yes.

#Queerasaclockworkorange

Sapnap
I'm feeling particularly pro-Anarchism today.

Dream
I'm a communist.

Sapnap
ew

George
of course you are

Sapnap
what are you gogy?

George
what the fuck do you mean 'what am I?'

Sapnap
are you an Anarchist, communist, capitalist????

Dream
I Disdain you for only properly capitalizing anarchism

Sapnap
what can I say?
I'm a rascal.

George
uhh
nothing I guess?

Dream
good, they're ripe and ready to be radicalized.

Technoblade
did I just hear ready to be radacalized?

Sapnap
did you just get summoned???

Technoblade
yes.

Sapnap
we're talking about communism

Technoblade
ew

Sapnap
THATS WHAT I SAID

Technoblade
Its a reasonable enough concept on paper, but in practice...

Sapnap
I bought the art of war

Technoblade
pls tell thoughts
I loved that book

Dream
I did not like it

Sapnap
*spritzes with water from cat bottle*
BAD COMMUNIST

Dream 
-.-

Technoblade
I agree.

#Genderbenders

BUG MAN
AYO PUSSIES

Wilbur
hello tomathy

BUG MAN
FUCK U
FUCK U
FUCK U

George
what did they do??

BUG MAN
when I first came out to wilm, I told them I wanted to be called Tomathy, because I was twelve, and thats what twelve year olds think is a cool name 
but he burst into my room and then said "Really? tomathy? you could have picked a cooler name, like ~S T E V E~"

George
LMFAO

Wilbur
I also liked the pronouns
very gender

BUG MAN
NO PROBLEM BIG DIET-MAN

Wilbur
hm.

BUG MAN
MATERIAL GWORLN'T

George
you are a very strange boy

BUG MAN
MAN
I'M A MAN
ITS IN MY USERNAME
BITCH

Wilbur
you're right....

Wilbur has changed BUG MAN'S name to Smol boy

Smol boy
I'LL FOOKIN STAB YOU

Chapter Text

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

smol boy
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Tubbo
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

smol boy
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Tubbo
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ranboo
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

smol boy
Thailand

Tubbo
I agree

#General

Sapnap
I Can't believe they're sending me back to America )':

Wilbur
WHAT 

Sapnap
yeah
the exchange years up
but hey
I can still text, right?

Dream
yeah
me and Tubbo are being sent back too

Tubbo
I'LL MISS YOU HOMECOUNTRY

BUG MAN
YOU'VE STILL GOT A FEW DAYS

#16+

Wilbur
okay
shit
um
I need some help

Quackity
Lawyer help?

Wilbur
Tommy's gone.
this is the only channel tommy isn't in

Dream
oh shit
what happened??

Wilbur
I woke up this morning and he was gone
like 
he'd just fucked off
he left a note on the side
but

Dream
okay well um
I'll check with Tubbo.

Karl
doesn't tommy come and go like all you three do?

Wilbur
there's technically five of us
if you count jim

Technoblade added Technoblade to #16+

Technoblade
we don't talk about jim

Technoblade removed Technoblade from #16+

Niki
oh what the fuck?
He's round at Dream's with Tubbo I think

Wilbur
thank you so so much Niki

Niki
don't think it's your job to take care of them, though will
just because you're the oldest doesn't mean you're supposed to be their parent.

Karl
god this channel was created for sex jokes 

Wilbur
thank you Niki
me and the others will be round soon

Wilbur -> BUG MAN

Wilbur
Tommy where the fuck are you

smol boy
Chill wilby
I'm with the crew

Wilbur
So are you at Tubbo or Ranboo's house?

smol boy
Tubbo's


------TW- UNDERAGE DRINKING-----

Tommy held the bottle of Kopparberg in his left hand, pressing it to his lips at regular intervals.
from his place, perched on-top of Tubbo's desk, he felt like he was the king of the world.
maybe it was to do with the growing pile of empty bottles in the middle of Tubbo's carpet, or perhaps the violently strong smell of clean towels, to cover up the scent of Tubbo's un-washed sheets that he could taste in his sinuses.

but this was their final goodbye.
Tubbo lay on their bed, staring at the roof, while Ranboo sat zoned out on a bean bag, a bottle of half-drunk Smirnoff ice clutched between it's fingers, as if someone wanted to take it from end.
"I can't believe you're leaving" slurred Tommy.
Ranboo grunted in agreement, eyes transfixed on the slopping movement of the clear liquid in it's bottle.
Tubbo sat up, looking at Tommy, who's head had lolled back against the wall behind their desk.
"I won't be gone for long-" he said, sounding almost clear as day- he had drunk the other two under the table by a mile.
"you'll be gone forever!" whined out Tommy, taking a swig from his bottle, and choking slightly from the angle.
"fuck, that shit tastes like an alco-pop." Tubbo exhaled a loud breath through their nose, and laughed lightly.
"won't you miss the delicious taste of strawberry and lime Kopparberg, Bee boy? they don't have that shit in AmErIcA." he pitched his voice higher on the last word, burping slightly before getting down from his seat, and stealing Ranboo's bottle.

they made a noise of displeasure, making grabby hands towards the bottle, before end just decided to sit back on the beanbag, and sleep.
Tommy directed a lopsided grin towards Tubbo, and drank from the bottle.
he tried to keep his top lip clear from the rubber seal on the top, letting the liquid flow feely into his mouth, swallowing nearly a whole mouthful.
"Tommy!" Tubbo shouted in disapproval.
"what?" he mimicked Tubbo, cruelness intended lost by the violent slurring.
"that is unhygienic."
tommy waved his hand "pshhhhhhhhhh" he continued, pressing a single finger over Tubbo's lips as if to shush him and moving it around aggressively.
"I love you." 
Tubbo swatted at his hand, and Tommy grinned lazily, trying to stand up again.
------TW OVER- END OF DRINKING-----------

------TW, little bit of discosciaotion (dunno how the fuck to spell that) tryna keep as much for ppl triggered to read so there will be a few little chunks)-------

he closed his eyes, and opened them again.
it was like his ears were filled with cotton.
maybe this was what dying felt like.
he fell down. 
not physically.
but he fell.
suddenly, his body was gone.
and he wasn't breathing.
he wasn't breathing.

a ringing sound blasted in his ears as his mouth fell open slightly, maybe to speak.
he wasn't breathing.
he needed to do that.
to breathe.
he knew he did.

this was like the swizzler with Ranboo and Tubbo.
the way it spun so fast, taking them high up into the air.
Call me Al by Paul Simon blasting at full volume, the three of them singing along as the world flew by.
and he felt infinite.
the grin on his face, for once, wasn't fake.
He was happy.
He wasn't acting. no, he was alive.

He touched the air in front of them, watching Ranboo's hair fly about, and Tubbo's shit-eating grin, It was all he needed.
all he needed was to feel the air on his skin, but it sucked out his breathing on the fast bits.
His anxiety peaked when the cart flew just a little too fast at the ticket booth, but he knew they would be okay.
because he had Ranboo, holding one hand, and Tubbo on the other.

But now Tubbo was leaving.
And he was nothing.

-----(TW- EMETOPHOBIA)-------
call me Al blasted in his ears once more as he ran to the bathroom.
and puked up his guts.

-------(TW- ALL OVER I THINK)----
-------(TW- UNDERAGE DRINKING in this scene they are typing drunk, this is not my portrayal of dyslexia. I have put what it is supposed to say for anyone struggling to read it)--

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

Tubbo
DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARM?

Dream?

Dream
yes?

Tubbo
perchachne whee be tge mop?

Perchance, where be the mop?


Ranboo
eyah wqhere do you hid ethe secrents ?

yeah, where do you hide the secrets?

Dream
how drunk are you?

Tubbo
there keopperbegrges and sven ytqueclquilea shots

three Kopparberg's and seven tequila shots

Dream
fuckin hell

Ranboo
tomy yafrerd

Tommy yarfed

Dream
is that why you need the mop?

Tubbo 
mabteye..,./.,
Maybe...

smol boy
yeagh and pehrchnce whre is tyour frie exhaituinguishrererer

yeah, and perchance, where is your fire extinguisher?

Dream
WHERE IS THE FIRE

smol boy
threre be no frie
olny the rifre in my heert
my bned for spenfded
you cqn stop my need for apeed big D

there be no fire
only the fire in my heart
my need for speed
you cant stop my need for speed big d


Tubbo
cant eb enxtifueishshed

Cannot be extinguished

Smol boy
besided

based

Dream
I hear shouting
I'm coming upstairs

----(TW-empty drink bottles, underage drinking, fire (contained in the end))---

when Dream opened the door, he was confused to say that the pile of twenty beer bottles in the middle of the room was the least concerning thing in the room.

the chaos was melting his brain.
so, he took a step back, and made a list, least to most.

10. a legless mannequin

9. a face paint set, out on Tubbo's desk

8. feathers, which were indeed covered in said face paint

7.the left leg of the mannequin, with the big toe in a bottle of Smirnoff ice

6. the bird flying around Tubbo's room, which looked suspiciously like a collared dove, covered in half-done 'Ronald McDonald' style face paint.

5. Tubbo's desk chair, with a fire extinguisher, seemingly stuck on by blue tack, glitter glue, and crafting tape.

4. a tall, split dye haired teenager, face also covered in Ronald McDonald makeup with one leg out of the top of Tubbo's window, screaming 'I'm mc-evacuating'

3. a tall, blonde teenager, hanging like a cat from Tubbo's ceiling fan, brandishing the right leg of the mannequin

2. Tubbo himself, spinning in a circle, screaming 'I TORNADO MAN WILL WAFT THE FIRE'

1. the massive fire, originating from the fire extinguisher itself.

screaming came from every which direction, as the opening few lines of we didn't start the fire blasted so loud it hurt his eardrums.
he took a deep breath, and ran out of the room to get the other extinguisher

Panmunjom, Brando 'the king and I' and 'the Catcher in the Rye'

it took him a moment to race down the stairs, body, bashing his ankles a few times

Eisenhower, Vaccine, England's got a new queen

when he reentered the room, the pandemonium was getting louder, mixing with maniacal laughter

Marciano, Liberace, Santayana, Goodbye

he amined the fire extinguisher, putting his whole weight into pressing the button
and it set on fire too.

We didn't start the fire

Chapter Text

#General

smol boy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEE BOY

Tubbo
THank you :D

Wilbur
happy birthday

Dream
what are you getting with the cash our parent's sent through to you?

Tubbo
a pair of heavy duty boots

Ranboo
Any reason?

Tubbo
I'M FUCKIN SIXTEEN

Sapnap
what does that have to do with it

Tubbo
now I'm legally allowed to stomp on people

Dream
sorry?

Tubbo
everyone knows thats the rule

Wilbur
WHO TOLD YOU THAT??????

Tubbo
God did.

#GENDERBENDERS

Dream
Perchance may I try out some Pronouns?

Sapnap
*opens cubicle**puts on british accent* Welcome to the pronoun dressing room me'(genderless)Lord
what Pronouns do you wish to try on?

Dream
fei/fei/feis/feis/feiself

Sapnap
alr
this is dream
fei has been my friend for about years, and fei keeps ditching me for hot boys fei meets at the skate park but I didn't say that because fei  will kill me if I tell George that there have been other hot boys at the skate park. I think Fei really needs to remember to meet up with feis best friend more than fei does. not like feis friend is upset at fei because of this. fei should definetly ask feis freind feiself though.

Dream
hngh
good
I am prepared to step out of the pronoun closet!!

Wilbur
I though u were genderfluid Dream?

Dream
yeah yeah I am but I've been trying Neos recently and Fei/feis has been like... my main pronoun recently (besides he/him obvi)

Wilbur 
Kk :)
so what are your bronouns today?
*pronouns

Dream
my Bronouns are ae/fei/he

Sapnap
I love those bronouns

smol Boy
those are some great bronouns
also I'm stuck in a child's swing

Wilbur
*sigh* what?

smol boy
IT LOOKED COMFY
and now I can't get out

#General

Tubbo
[Img of Tommy being pulled out of a baby swing by a fireman]

Wilbur
LMAOOOOOOOOO

Technoblade
this is peak comedy. /gen

Tubbo
I know

Smol Boy
TUBBO YOU BITCH YOU BETRAYED ME

Ranboo
I-dfskjqe;riohfAAAAAAAAAAAA

Smol boy
fuck you ranbitch

Ranboo renamed smol boy to King of swing

King of swing
FUCK U FUCK U SO MUCH I HATE YOU
WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON GETTING RENAMEd???????????

Ranboo
because the author cannot remember usernames?

King of swing
O H

Chapter Text

#General

King of Swing
Good morrow

Tubbo
Ello

Wilbur
O/

King of Swing
ur just like dad u know that Wilby

Wilbur
just because I did that emoticon like ONCE does not make me Phil 

King of Swing
...Kinda does NGL

Technoblade
I have to agree with the child this time, apologies Wilbur.

King of Swing
OH FUCK YOU I'M NEARLY FIFTEEN
I'M GOING TO PUT YOU IN A FUCKING RETIREMENT HOME 
BITCH

Technoblade
Try me.

King of Swing
I WILL
BITCH

#BRITBOX

King of Swing
THEY GAVE ME A LIGHTER AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Tubbo
and you needed to put that in the British chat because...?

King of Swing
BECAUSE ONLY BASED PEOPLE ARE BRITISH
NOT LIKE THOSE JaYwAlKinG PRICKS
REAL MEN CROSS THE ROAD AND THE CARS STOP FOR THEM
I COULD WALK OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD AND THE TRUCK WOULD STOP FOR ME BECAUSE I AM AN ALPHA MALE

Wilbur
Why did they give you a lighter???

King of Swing
BECAUSE I AM SO BRILLIANT THEY SAW ME AND WENT MMMM TOMMY THE BIGGEST OF MEN GIVE HIM THE LIGHTER

Wilbur
and they had the lighter to give to you because...?

King of Swing
BECAUSE THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE IN THE BATHROOM SMOKING MArijuANa AND I ASKED FOR SOME

Wilbur
TOMMY

King of Swing
WILBUR
see I can capitalize your name too
bitch

Tubbo
I have three questions
1)why did you want weed?
2) did you get the weed?
3) can I have some weed?

King of Swing
TUBBO NO YOU CANNOT HAVE MY WEED MY WEED IS MINE AND YES THEY GACE ME SOME

George
who sold you the weed?

King of Swing
UH UH
I AINT SAYIN
I AINT NO SNITCH
PREFECT LOOKIN ASS BITCH

George
since when tf do you think I care about my duties?
I just wanna know who sold it to you
I keep a profile on most of the dealers in school

King of Swing
OKAY
well I'm keeping my sources name a secret.
because he let me sky some of his red bull with his mates
now my bones feel like they're vibrating.

George
U have ADHD right Tommy?

King of Swing
WHO'S ASKING

George
me

King of Swing
OH
YEAH

George 
and you thought it would be a good idea to drink red bull?

Wilbur
yeah Tommy why do you think we don't let you drink coffee?

King of Swing
BECAUSE I'M TOO ALPHA FOR COFFEE

Wilbur
how much red bull did you drink?

King of Swing
Uhh
Half a can?

Jack Manifold
My man's skying game is ON POINT

King of Swing
INNIT
Yeah I feel funny
I thought it wo' supposed to make you feel energized??????

George
yeah red bulls bad but lets get back to the weed man.
who'd you buy from?

King of Swing
THEY GAVE IT TO ME FOR FREE TO PISS OFF

George
Wtf did you do?

King of Swing
well I was being alpha and shit and I went to go piss and then there were six boys all stood around vaping the drug MaRijUanA.
and they told me to do look out for them
so I did
then they said I could join their gang because I was sound
so they let me sky the rest of their red bull because I was thirsty as FUCK
and then I asked where I could buy
but Wilbur did you know how expensive weed is??????
its so expensive

George
I know who you bought off now
brb

King of Swing
NO GOGY DON'T TELL ON THEM

George
what the fuck makes you think I'm telling on them????
I have connections in high up places

King of Swing
GOGY MAFIA BOSS ARC?????

George
lets just say those boys won't be bothering you anymore 
:)

#FUCKallosexuals

King of Swing
DREAAAAAAAAM
YOUR BOYFRIENDS FUCKING TERRIFYING

Dream
they are, aren't they :)

George
Ɛ>

Dream
you cursed Mf

George
you love me really?

King of Swing
STOP BEING GAY ON THE TIMELINE
BITCH

Dream
shush child

King of Swing
I'LL SOB/threat

Dream
what????

King of swing
I'LL BECOME LACTOSE INTOLERANT IN RAGE/threat

George
hol up
what the fuck

King of Swing
I'LL THREATEN YOU/THREAT

Ranboo
HUH

King of Swing
I'LL THREATEN TO THREATEN YOU/THREAT

Karl
*Sobs in confushion*

George
I am... Confushion

King of Swing
I'LL THREATEN TO THREATEN TO THREATEN YOU/THREAT

Chapter Text

#16+

George
I'm dumping Dream /j
anyone wanna start a relationship with me?/lh

Karl
FUCK YEAH/lh

Sapnap
I CALL DIBS ON GOGY/j

Wilbur
FUCK OFF GOGY'S MINE/j

Quackity
What did Dream do?/gen

Karl
I'LL BATTLE YOU FOR HIM/lh

Sapnap
I KNEW AE FIRST THEREFORE HE IS MINE/lh

Wilbur
WHAT THE FUCK HE ISN'T A TWO P YOU FOUND ON THE FLOOR AT THE ARCADE THIS ISN'T FUCKING FINDERS KEEPERS/lh

Sapnap
YES IT IS AND LOSERS FUCKING WEEPERS/lh
GOGY IS MINE/j

George
guys...
*channels inner bella swan*
don't fight for me/lh

Karl
I'D CROSS THE EARTH AND THE SEA BY FUCKING FOOT TO BE WITH YOU GEORGE/lh

Sapnap
WELL I'D DO THAT TOO BUT I HAVE A DRIVERS LISCENCE BECAUSE I'M NOT A PUSSY SO I'D DRIVE OVER THE EARTH AND THE SEA AND PICK YOU UP IN MY SEXY CORSA/lh

Karl
HAW DARE YOU INSULT MY LACK OF A DRIVERS LISCENCE/lh

Wilbur
You see George you don't want to be with an imbecile like those two I'd treat you like a gentleman/lh

Sapnap
FUCK YOU WILBUR/j

Wilbur
WELL FUCK YOU TOO SAPNAP/lh

Karl
PICK ONE

George
can I pick all?

Sapnap
OH I SEE WHERE WE'RE GOING WITH THIS
A PANDEMIC RELATIONSHIP

Karl
A panzitwhatznow?

Sapnap
YOU KNOW
A FUCKING PANACOTTA RELATIONSHIP
A POLYGON RELATIONSHIP
A PARTITION RELATIONSHIP

Wilbur
are you trying to say POLYAMOROUS?????

Sapnap
YES

Karl
OH yeah I'm in for the throuple

George
who we kicking out?

Karl
Wilbur

Wilbur
HEY/lh

Sapnap
na I agree/lh

Wilbur
WHYYYY/lh

George
I am not having fucking tommy as a brother in law

Karl
THE COUNCIL HAS DECIDED YOUR FATE

Wilbur
Honestly
fair enough

Sapnap
THE THROUPLE/ pos

Karl
THE THROUPLE/ pos

George
THE THROUPLE/pos

Dream
hold on

Sapnap
DREAM
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS OURS NOW/j

Karl
YEAH/j

Dream
WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG/lh

George
YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY CALL/lh

Dream
I WAS ASLEEP/gen

George
HOW
IT WAS 1PM/lh

Dream
I HAVE A FUCKED UP SLEEP SCHEDULE/gen

Sapnap
GOGY WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO STEP IN/LH

Karl
YEAH WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO OUR THROUPLEY DUTIES AND TAKE YOU OUT OF THIS ~toxic situation~/lh
I learned That one in PSHE

Sapnap
Yeah Dream that is a ~red flag~/j

George
Yeah Dream stop being ~unsupportive of my dreams~/lh

Dream
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

#Queerasaclockworkorange

King of Swing
anyone wanna buy my vape?

Wilbur
TOMMY
WHERE DID YOU GET A VAPE?

King of Swing
mysexyvape.png

Wilbur
oh

King of Swing
WHAT

Technoblade
Tommy, that is an inhaler

King of Swing
WHAAAAAAAT
NOO

Technoblade
Tommy it literally says inhaler on the side

King of Swing
its salbutamol sulfate flavor

Ranboo
are you still trying to flog your inhaler?

King of Swing
ITS CLEARLY MY VAPE

Ranboo
I'm pretty sure Ms. Mitchell gave you a detention for that

King of Swing
SHE COULDN'T STAND MY ALPHA MALE-NESS

George
Tommy why are you still trying to sell your inhaler

King of Swing
SHUT UP GOGY YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

Karl
I'm here to do my throupley duties and take George out of this ~toxic environment~/lh

Sapnap
yeah
*places hand on George's shoulder*
lets go babe/lh

King of Swing
...
I feel as though I may have missed something

#THINGSARETOUCHINME

Dream
my stummy hurt

Sapnap
YEAH NO SHIT/lh

Dream
HEY

Karl
What be happening?

Niki
^^

Dream
Sapnap seems to have this ludicrous theory that my special juice is 'bad for my health'

Karl
let us be the judges of that

George
Imma regret asking this but
what is your special juice

Dream 
hehe

Sapnap
buckle up

Dream
one part cola squeez-it
one part red bull
one part apple lucozade
one part sanpellengrino
a teaspoon of cough syrup
one shot of vodka
a gummy worm
and a lozenge

George
jesus fucking christ
how are you still alive???

Dream
Built different

King of Swing
GOSH DREAM YOU ARE MY ROLE MODEL

Dream
NO 

#General

King of Swing
meinthewoods.png
ME AND THE BOYS LOST IN THE WOODS
WHAT WILL WE DO?
PROBABLY DRUGS

Wilbur
WHAT THE FUCK TOMMY

Quackity
IS THAT SLENDERMAN?

King of Swing
NAAA
THATS DAVE
HE'S A G

Karl
TOMMY WHERE ARE YOU
THERE ARE NO FUCKING WOODS NEAR HERE FOR FUCKING MILES

King of Swing
DEFINETLY NOT ICELAND

Sapnap
HOLY SHIT

Wilbur
HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU IN ICELAND

King of Swing
I just told you I wasn't in Iceland
dumb fuck

George
like Iceland the place or Iceland the shop

King of Swing
I'M IN NOWHERE CALLED ICELAND

Ranboo
TOMMY

Wilbur
HOLD ON
ARE YOU ACTUALLY IN ICELAND?????

King of Swing
NO I AM NOT WHY WOULD I BE IN FUCKING ICELAND I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU I'M DEFINETLY NOT THERE

Tubbo
hey Tommy why does your snapmap say you're in Greenland?

King of Swing
FUCK

Chapter Text

#General

King of Swing
I'm feeling Gunkular right now
anyone else feeling right Gunkular

Wilbur
I'm so confused

Tubbo
What's there to be confused about diet king?
Tommy's clearly just having a Gunkular day.
It happens to the best of us

Karl
Huh?

Ranboo
Why is everyone so ? I'm feeling a little Gunkular too man.

King of Swing
Hey.
Hey.
We all get Gunkular on occasion.

Tubbo
It's what makes us human.
the way we all get Gunkular.

Technoblade
Minors/neg

King of Swing
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT
SO YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU REALLY WANT DAD TO KNOW ABOUT HOW YOU TOOK ME HUNTING?

Technoblade
Minors/pos

King of Swing
HMMM
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT
BITCH

Dream
Techno!

Technoblade
What my homeless arch nemesis?

Dream
Okay okay do you want me to tell Tommy what happened in the Taco bell parking lot?

Technoblade
What my homeless wholesome friend that I really am best friends with
my urchin bestie Dream what in the fuck do you want from me <3?

Dream
Hm.
I wanted to know if you were still up for this Saturday and if you were can you host the afterparty?

King of Swing
HOLD ON
I WANT TO GO TO A PARTY
THAT'S WHERE THE GIRLS ARE
AND YOU KNOW I'M FEELING GUNKULAR RIGHT NOW

Tubbo
TO ATTACK HIM WHEN HE'S FEELING GUNKULAR THATS A LOW BLOW

Ranboo
LOW BLOW

Dream
you are not invited <3

Wilbur
DREAM YOU ARE IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW

Dream
Okay... and?

Wilbur
HOW TF ARE YOU HOSTING A PARTY WITH MY TWIN?

Technoblade
Who says I'm in England?

Wilbur
I DO
I LITERALLY SAW YOU COME OUT OF YOUR ROOM TO GET A PACKET OF PRINGLES LIKE HALF AN HOUR AGO???

Technoblade
maybe I have an evil twin

Wilbur
YOU ARE MY FUCKING EVIL TWIN ALREADY DUMBASS

Technoblade
I am not evil
I resent that

Wilbur
Techno
Techno
Did I, or did I not see you climb in through my room window a week ago absolutely soaked in blood??

Technoblade
that was not blood
that was grape juice

Dream
Ah yes, taco bell.

Technoblade
you say something I tell tubbo what REALLY happened to the bee stuffy

Tubbo
My bee stuffy? 
From last year??
You told me that it got put in the rubbish disposal???
and then eaten by racoon????
and then run over by a bus?????

George
Hey
I have a question
I thought Techno was adopted?

Wilbur
Let me tell you a story
aHEM
^Sits down and opens book^
Once upon a time, there were two people, who lived across the globe from each other.
neither knew the other existed.
One lived with their father, and the other bounced around foster parents.
Then
THEN
The one bouncing around foster homes was informed that his mother was alive and well. 
and then It came over to the UK to live with the mother.

King of Swing
WILBUR YOU TELL STORIES SHIT
TECHNO WAS ALL LIKE
'I'M AN AMERICAN TWAT
AND MY FATHER
was put in prison we don't joke about that shit
AND MY MOTHER WAS INFORMED THAT I WAS PUT UP FOR ADOPTION BECAUSE SHE BELIEVED SHE WAS TOO YOUNG FOR A CHILD AND SOME SHIT LIKE THAT
SO THEN THE CUSTODY WAS REVOKED FROM THE DAD AND I LIVED IN CARE HOMES FOR A FEW YEARS AND THEN
MY MUM FOUND OUT AND SHIPPED ME OVER TO THE UK FOR MANDATORY ~fAMILY tIME~
NOW I HAVE AN EXCELLENT BROTHER AND ALSO A DIET BROTHER PRICK WHO LIKES TO CALL US TWINS BECAUSE THEY JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE BORN ON THE SAME DAY FROM THE SIDE OF THE HUSBAND OF MY MOTHER WHO STILL CLAIMS THAT HIS FIRST WIFE WAS A SAMSUNG SMART FRIDGE.

George
I understand even less now.

Technoblade
Wilbur and Tommy are my step-brothers, I'm from my mother's side, and they're from Phil's side.
they call me adopted because I didn't know my mom until I was fourteen, But I'm not really. 

George
Alr

Technoblade
Wilbur calls me his twin because it makes them feel less alone on this barren plane.

Ranboo
BASED

Technoblade
are you good kid?

Ranboo
Physically or emotionally

Technoblade
Emotionally?

Ranboo
NOPE

Technoblade
Physically

Ranboo
ALSO NOPE

Technoblade
hm.
I may have to adopt a child

Ranboo
uhhhh *sweats profusely*

Technoblade
shhhh
don't fight it

George
Techno really just said 'come get in my van there's sweets' then just revealed adoption papers

Technoblade
accurate

Wilbur
HEY
IF YOU'RE ADOPTING END I WANT THE SHORT ONE

Ranboo
the WHAT

Wilbur
You know the one I'm talkin bout
you know
the
the one with the bees
and the
and the words
and the *mumbles* 'you spin me'

Tubbo
SAY MY NAME THREE TIMES AND I'M SUMMONED

Ranboo
no one said ur name
like
not once/lh

Tubbo
DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER YOUR NAME/j

Ranboo
LOW BLOW/lh

Tubbo
AT LEAST I CAN FIT THROUGH FUCKING CAR PARKS WITHOUT DUCKING/lh

Ranboo
SPELL ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM/j

Tubbo
SPELL PEICE/lh

RANBOO
YOU KNOW THAT WORDS HARD FOR ME/lh

Wilbur
Techno
Techno our kids our fighting
what do we do?

Tubbo
YEAH I DO/lh

Ranboo
PICK A PRONOUN/j

Tubbo
DO 8-5/lh

Technoblade
alright everybody stay calm
I know exactly what to do
I'M TAKING BETS ON WHO'LL WIN

Ranboo
WEILD FIRE WITHOUT CRYING/j

Tubbo
IF WE'RE TALKING TRAUMA
LISTEN TO FALLEN DOWN WITHOUT SOBBING/j


Wilbur
I DON'T LIKE FATHERHOOD ANYMORE
*Begins to sob*

Technoblade
*Pats shoulder* it's not for all of us.

George
NOT THE /RP

Wilbur
I'LL /RP WHEREVER I WANT GOGY

#BRITBOX

King of Swing
hey guyssss

Quackity
What felony have you committed this time?

King of Swing
I don't like this offensive stereotype you've plastered onto me king.
just because I've commited like ONE CRIME doesn't make me a delinquent.
It's people like you that put people like me in LITTLE BOXES.
Look down on us for our past actions.
you know your comment could have had a serious affect on a juvenile offender
taught them that that is all they are
taught them that they can be nothing else
What if I want to be a PAINTER Q?
or perform in the globe theatre?
my mistakes don't shape me as a person.
But you're right I got tackled nicking a wario display from a gamestop can you do the lawyer thing and get me the fuck out of here?

Quackity
You're fucking ridiculous.

King of Swing
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT 
I don't need this type of CRITICISM from you Quackity.
the absolute CLASSISM you radiate right now is an INVALIDATING ENVIRONMENT for a YOUNG IMPRESSIONABLE MIND such as myself
I'll give you a fiver if you can get me out by the time Hollyoaks is on?

Quackity
Make it ten

King of swing 
Seven and you get me the Wario display

Quackity
...Deal

Chapter Text

#Genderbenders

Tubbo
Hello hoes, whores and tarts
It's me
your favorite lil guy

King of Swing
TUBBO

Tubbo
Hello Thomas

King of Swing
PLEASE STATE MY FULL TITLE

Tubbo
Hello Thomas danger-careful-Business-swipey soot-Innit.

King of Swing
Thank you tubso

Tubbo
Boss man
cmon.
you know my full name.
Cmon

King of Swing
Sorry tuberculosis underscore bee Wastaken.

Tubbo
its alright king.

King of Swing
Oh I love you Tubbo,
Tubbo
My comfort Tubbo

Wilbur
Keep it in the DMs

King of Swing
FUCK OFF WILBUR I-CAN-BUY A RELENTLESS SOOT

Wilbur
No <3

King of Swing
I'll kill you

Wilbur
And I'll release the video of you lip-synching to Britney spears 'Toxic'

King of Swing
OH GOD
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Tubbo
REALLY?
YOU HAVE THAT?

Dream
Theoretically where is that video perchance stored and how much would I need to pay you for it?

Wilbur
I'll never tell :)

Dream
FUCK

#General

King of Swing
GUYS
GUYS
GUYS
GUYS

Technoblade
Yes Tommy?

King of Swing
HAVE YOU SEEN HIM
IN ALL HIS BEAUTIFUL GLORY

Dream
What?
Who?

George
??

King of swing
THE NEW DINNER LADY
WELL
NO
THAT TERM IS ~O U T D AT E D~
HIS NAME IS
DINNER STEVE

Tubbo
ARE WE TALKING ABOUT DINNER STEVE
OH MY GOD HE'S SO SEXY AND BEAUTIFUL
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

George
Oh my god is that who that guy is?

King of Swing
YES GOGY KEEP UP

George
ALRIGHT

Ranboo
DINNER STEVE IS SO INCREDIBLE 
I WISH HE WAS MY DAD

King of Swing
I just think to myself when I commit crimes
'WWDSD?"
Yk?
ILHSMBIDKHTTH

Tubbo
IMODSDLY

King of Swing
IKBYKTFWYDKR?

George
WHAT

Tubbo
Simple acronyms gogs

King of Swing
GOGY IS JUST OLD
HE IS SO SENILE FEI CAN'T EVEN FUCKING READ THE LETTERS
GRANPA GOGY IS GOING IN A HOME

Ranboo
Cmon gog how do you not understand 
ILHSMBIDKHTTH?
That's like saying you don't know how to say
TFGPTIAMSACTTGPHAICTTIUTMASACAPOTFGA
Like what???

King of Swing
I AGREE RANBOO

Technoblade
Did-
Did you just turn the FITNESS GRAM PACER TEST into an acronym??

George
WHAT