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Chapter Text

SCENE: HARRY and RON 's apartment in Diagon Alley. HARRY is being depressed sitting in his same old chair. RON enters.

("CHEER UP #1" to the tune of "TUNE UP #1)


RON:
It's August 17th, eight p.m.
In the wizard world
Five years ago we left from Hogwarts school
Not too much has happened since it
Just the same old shit
Here is Harry!
Sitting the way he has been
And hasn't moved for ten days!

HARRY:
That's not true!

RON:
So you say
He fought the Dark Lord
Who isn't dead like we thought

HARRY:
Are you reminding again?

RON:
Of course not
Don't be so blue
Think of what you can do
Tell the Quidditch fans what you're doing, Harry!

HARRY:
I'm being so emo

(An OWL SCREECH is heard outside the window)

RON:
An owl!

HARRY:
Yes!

RON:
Here comes...
It looks like a letter from my mum...

("OWL #1" filked to "VOICE MAIL #1")

PIGWIDGEON:
SCREEEEEEEEEECH!

MRS. WEASLEY:
This owl is such a spaz
I don't even know if this will make it
Ron, Ron, are you there?
If you're reading this now
It's mum

I wanted to let you know- I love you!
And I miss you like always
Bill, Charlie, and twins are here, why not you?
Well, I hope you liked the sweater
Yes, it is maroon, dear
It matches your eyes

Oh, and Ron
I'm sorry to hear Hermi'ne dumped you
I say, let it be
That smart ass, bookworm, lesbian!
She'll learn this mistake was so loony!
Love, Mum

(RON puts the letter down and looks away, disgusted. He tries to distract himself by cheering Harry up once again)
("CHEER UP #2" to the tune of "TUNE UP #2")

RON:
Tell the Quidditch fans what you're doing, Harry!

HARRY:
I'm being so emo--!

(The phone rings)

RON:
The Phone rings

HARRY:
Yes!

RON:
Same thing

(RON goes to answer the fellytone, but is too late. It goes to the answering machine. Incidentally, because Harry was never allowed to use the Dursley's phone and Ron calls it a fellytone, they didn't know how to record an answering machine message, so their message is...)

HARRY and RON'S VOICEMAIL MESSAGE:
Uhhhh....

LUPIN:
Moonlight shining...

(Ron snatches up the phone from voicemail immediately)

RON and HARRY:
Lupin!

LUPIN:
I'm outside

RON:
Hey!

LUPIN: (smirking) 
You worked your fellytone?

RON: (smugly)
Yes I did!

LUPIN:
What a big kid

RON: (to Harry)
A visit from him brings a smile

(LUPIN'S laughter suddenly stops.)

LUPIN:
I may be a while...

(LUPIN abruptly hangs up the phone)


RON:
What does he mean?

(the Phone rings again. RON picks it up quickly and assumes it's LUPIN calling back)

RON:
What do you mean 'a while'?

(It's not Lupin. It's a person who foiled yet another aspect of Ron's perfect life because they had not burned in hell like planned. It's Draco Malfoy!)

DRACO:
Weasel-bee!

RON and HARRY:
Malfoy! Shit!

DRACO:
Look, I'm coming there

RON and HARRY:
Here? Fuck!

DRACO:
I want your soul

RON:
Who's soul?

DRACO:
It's Potty's soul that's still left whole

RON:
Left whole?
Who knew, since he saved you?

HARRY:
When I fought Voldemort

RON:
And back at Hogwarts

HARRY:
Remember? I saved you!

DRACO:
How could I forget?
You, me, and Hermione
How is that MudBloody?

RON:
She'll be protesting soon

DRACO:
I know
Still polishing the wand with her?

RON:
Hey Malfoy, you've got me stumped

DRACO:
You still dating her?

RON:
No, I just got dumped

HARRY:
She found love

DRACO:
Oh, a new fella?

RON:
Um, no

DRACO:
What's his name?

RON:
Luna

DRACO:
We have to talk tomorrow
So make sure you're there, and don't go
Or you'll pay, you know

(MALFOY hangs up. HARRY and RON are enraged from this demanding conversation. RON realizes exactly what he can do to cheer both Harry and himself-- curse Malfoy up! Unfortunately, he cannot remember where he last placed his wand. HARRY and RON start to search the apartment for Ron's wand.)

('"WAND" to the tune of "RENT")

RON:
How do you live a magic life
When magic's getting so
More tragic each day?
Classes, asses
It's not right
Anyone catch sight
What I lost today:
Wand!

HARRY:
How do you cast a spell
When you go through hell
Cause you don't have your magic stick
When you have no power
Your life goes sour-
What? No, Ron, I don't mean-- you're sick!

RON:
But it's great innuendo

HARRY:
Hey, you've got a point, so

HARRY and RON:
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
Where's my wand?

RON: (spoken)
We'll light it up!

HARRY:
How do you kill a dark lord
If you've nothing to use
And it feels like I am stuck in the blues?

RON:
How can you think about him
When my girlfriend is dim!

HARRY and RON:
Why's our life so grim?

RON:
Where's my relationship?

HARRY:
Must kill him!

RON:
Let's pun quip

HARRY and RON:
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
Where's my wand?

(The SCENE cuts to LUNA meeting up with HERMIONE at their apartment. The place is covered in parchment and textbooks, as HERMIONE is preparing another huge protest on behalf of S.P.E.W., which she has taken on as a career)

LUNA:
Don't turn, my Herm
It's me, Luna!
Your S.P.E.W. assistant!
Hey, hey, hey! (Are they freed?)
Don't quote the textbook, I'll churn
Now darling, how 'bout some Snorkack suffrage?
But Snorkacks live!
But Snorkacks live!
Your new house-elf footage?
Isn't all gone exactly...
It was just eaten by my Pogrebon...
Why would you get Ron?!

(The SCENE cuts to LUPIN on the streets outside HARRY and RON'S apartment. LUPIN has foolishly forgotten that it is a full moon tonight)

LUPIN:
How do you live like a man
When a wolf side can control your mind
And tonight it runs
How could I forget?
Oh, no, I should sit
I'm such a git!
And uh-oh here it comes!

RON: (looking out the window for Lupin as he takes a break from his search)
Where is he?

LUPIN: (beginning to transform)
Getting wolfy

HARRY and RON:
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
Where's my wand?

(The SCENE cuts to Malfoy Manor where DRACO lives with his wife PANSY PARKINSON. Furious at himself for even using a Muggle device, he wanders the halls and runs into PANSY)

DRACO:
Pansy, my baby you look mad
I can't believe those jerks after all those years at school
Ever since I met them, we fought
They'll see I can make them all learn who makes the rules! 

(The following lines occurs simultaneously)

DRACO:
Dementors gathering
Dementors gathering
Can't hide away
Dementors gathering.

LUPIN:
Uggh! Arrrgh! Uggh! Arrgh! Uggh! Arrgh! Ugghh!
Can't restrain!
Uggh! Arrgh! Ugghh! Arggh! 

RON:
The wizard is not the one to choose his own wand

LUNA:
But Herms, I'm not a normal person!

HARRY:
The wizard just has to wait until they feel instant bond

LUNA:
Could never be a normal person!

RON:
Now watch the wizard polishing his wand

HARRY:
If it was long and it wasn't gone!

LUNA:
Hermy!

(All simultaneous singing now ends)

RON: (receiving the owl Hermione has just sent him)
What's this? Hermy?
Luna's pet ate your stuff?
Okay, I'll go, enough!

ALL:
How can you fly a broom when it
Just wants to make sure that you will miss the snitch?
These jinxes, mishaps, wins and loss
Will spill you round and fall off the pitch!
Wand! 

How can you survive when the wand, the wizard's extension of
His own soul goes away?
What keeps the magic together when a raging, crazy, dark wizard
Brings evil to stay?

DRACO:
Draw a spell with the stick and then swish and flick

HARRY:
With your chess you'll go far

RON:
You've got a scar

ALL:
When times get dark
You make your mark 
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
How we gonna charm
With no wand
Light my wand
Find my wand
Wand, wand, wand, wand, wand
Where the hell is my wand?
Cause everything is wand!

Chapter Text

SCENE: A deserted alley by HARRY and RON'S apartment, nighttime. LUPIN, transformed into a wolf, is hiding in a corner, sore and listening to sounds of the night. A WIZARD passes by.

("YOU OKAY, WOLFY?"  to the tune of "YOU OKAY, HONEY?")

WIZARD:
Everything is changing
Everything is changing
Everything is changing
Nothing stays the same

(A LARGE BLACK DOG comes out of the alley shadows and approaches LUPIN. It's SIRIUS, although LUPIN has no idea, because SIRIUS was supposed to have died beyond the veil. VOLDEMORT brutally killed TONKS during HARRY'S last fight with him, and so LUPIN has spent the years coming to terms with the fact that everyone he loves dies. Even so, LUPIN feels something awfully familiar about this dog).

SIRIUS:
You okay, wolfy?

LUPIN:
I'm pretty sure

SIRIUS:
You're not hurting badly?

LUPIN:
No, not anymore
I've done this all for years
Yet it never goes

(Concerned, SIRIUS comes closer to LUPIN and curls up against him)

LUPIN:
Thanks

SIRIUS:
Well, one day, who knows?
I'm Padfoot

(LUPIN'S eyes widen at this new information, and starts to wonder if this transformation has made him delusional)

LUPIN:
Padfoot... indeed?
The dog star, wonder where you are...
I'm Remus Lupin
Or "Moony"
Nice tail...

SIRIUS:
Let's get some healing for your ails
I'll change
There's a Life Just Sucks meeting where I'll soon be
Yes, this doggy is a real human outside
But every hour and day I am forced to hide

LUPIN:
As am I

SIRIUS:
Wow, we'll get along sly
Get you some food
End the roam at my home
And rest

LUPIN:
But there's friends I'm meeting

SIRIUS:
How cute, your protest
Come spend a little time with me
And you'll like what you see

(SIRIUS winks at LUPIN and urges him to follow. LUPIN slowly rises to his feet, and the dog and wolf walk out into the night)

(SCENE: HARRY and RON'S apartment. HARRY is back to being miserable in his favorite chair.)

RON: (spoken)
I don't suppose you'd like to go to Quality Quidditch Supplies? Or maybe the Leaky Cauldron?

HARRY: (spoken)
I told you. No. And besides, why would you go to Quality Quidditch Supplies at this time of night? Wouldn't they be closed?

RON: (spoken)
Er... yeah. But it might've made you feel better. Look, I'm just going out for a few things. You should change your mind and get out.

("CHEER UP #3" to the tune of "TUNE UP #3")

Close on Harry
His Dark Lord rival
Came to fight and killed more people
Before disappearing into darkness

(RON understands why HARRY is miserable, but it's been five years. Time to move on. RON exits. HARRY reflects in his chair. He can't just move on when the entire Wizarding World had been depending on him. Some people didn't blame him and still supported him. But some people were definitely upset he didn't destroy VOLDEMORT once and for all. Why didn't the plan work? He was so close, everything used to always work out for him, ever since he was a baby...)

("ONE SCAR GLORY" to the tune of "ONE SONG GLORY")

HARRY:
One scar glory
One scar that changed the world
Glory
One scar that started all

Use this scar
Find where you are
Voldy
Kill the evil dark wizard
Who always triumphs over me

One night
The night when it all began
Voldy
Set his eyes on a young girl
My mother

My parents
They tried their best to defend
But then they both met their end
That's when
Everything came down to me

Scar thrills
Scar kills
Glory
This scar's my story
This scar's my story
Story

Find Horcrux
And I thought I could win
Win like the Headmaster said
Make mortal again

Kill Voldy
This defeat will bring
Glory
You'll be known as the hero
The hero

But
Now I know
Nothing is easy as that
Story
Lives forever
I can't
Just redeem our tortured lives

Scar thrills
And then the night you can't put up the fight
Scar kills

(There is a knock at the door. HARRY assumes it's RON coming back)

HARRY: (spoken)
The door.
And here I go, getting out of the chair, walking to the door, and opening it, just for you!

(HARRY goes to open the door and discovers it's not RON at all, but his younger sister GINNY, smirking at him. HARRY deliberately hasn't seen GINNY in ages because he has been trying to protect her, and keep GINNY safe from suffering the same fate that TONKS had. All this time away made HARRY forget just how pretty she is and how much he still misses her)

("LIGHT MY WAND UP" to the tune of "LIGHT MY CANDLE")


HARRY:
What'd you forget?

GINNY:
Got a wand?

HARRY:
I know you, you're-- 
You're Ron's sister

GINNY:
It's been years, Harry, and I've grown
You should call me by the name that's my own
Would you light my wand up?

(She pulls her wand out of her pocket and holds it up to HARRY, then notices his eyes are trailing down as he stares at her)

What are you staring at?

HARRY:
Nothing!
Your hair in the moonlight
It's very fiery
Like it's burning

GINNY:
Something might burn up, if you care
But it'll only burn up once we're there
What?

HARRY: 
Nothing
It's just you're making me think of--

GINNY:
I always get people to think--
Of who then?

HARRY: (embarrassed)
My ex
You know, Miss Cho Chang

GINNY:
That skanky bitch!
I mean, what a witch
Would you light my wand up?

HARRY:
Well...

GINNY:
Yeah? Mmm

HARRY:
Oh, this wand
It's-- 

GINNY:
--Waiting
I really think you should--

HARRY:
Look up! The spell now
Uh huh. That's right

(Feeling stupid and extremely distracted by GINNY, to the point where he can't remember the Lumos spell, HARRY takes GINNY's wand and quickly turns away from her. He looks at the wand and desperately thinks, "light up, please!" and shakes it. To his surprise, it works and the wand lights up. He turns back to GINNY.)

HARRY:
Is this any good?

GINNY: (smirking)
Yeah. I think there's a better way

HARRY: 
I know, I've heard things can be easy
But they aren't for me
The wand dimmed, see?

(HARRY hands the wand back to GINNY)

GINNY:
I knew it
There must be something else we can do
This can work
If I work with you

HARRY:
With you?

(GINNY deliberately drops her wand on the floor, and bends down in an extremely suggestive way to pick it back up again)

GINNY:
They say that I have the best ass
Ever at Hogwarts
Is it true?

HARRY:
What?

GINNY:
You're staring again

HARRY: (embarrassed)
I'm not
Although, you do--
Have a nice-- 
I mean!
You make me crazy!

GINNY:
Just like Miss Cho Chang

HARRY:
Well she always cried
But you know you've got me mystified

GINNY:
Have you been to the Hog's Head Pub?
Lately it's quite the place
Find a spell!

(HARRY thinks of the Hog's Head and remembers the place it used to be. But with ABERFORTH dead, he recalls it's not just a bar anymore. There are still drinks, yes, but also a lot of naughtily dancing witches. Last time he went with RON, he remembers there was someone familiar...)

HARRY:
Yes!
I saw you swish and flick

GINNY:
It's a living

HARRY:
I didn't recognize you
In all that black lace

GINNY:
We should light my wand up
It's dark, so light my wand up

(HARRY realizes that even though he's going along with her game, GINNY is definitely not going to stop trying to flirt with him)

HARRY: 
Why don't you forget this stuff?
It was so long ago

GINNY:
Not that long!
And we've been through this, so
Why not skip to the yes?

HARRY:
Once t'was easy to say yes
But now I'm trapped in this mess

GINNY:
I'll make it good, you know it

HARRY:
You couldn't guess

GINNY:
Let me at it!

HARRY:
Oh yeah?
You know what, my life just sucks

GINNY:
It sure won't if we suck some--

HARRY:
Oh no

GINNY:
--thing else

HARRY: (remembering the spell suddenly) 
Oh here! It's--

GINNY:
What's that?

HARRY:
It's the Lumos spell.

(HARRY takes GINNY'S wand, lights it up with the spell, and hands it back to her)

GINNY:
Now you've lit my wand up
Oh, why don't you light your wand up?

HARRY:
I can't believe this

GINNY:
Believe it, it's true
Let me stay with you

HARRY:
Maybe, I would, but it won't do
Listen, I know I can't be with you

GINNY:
Oh, Harry
Oh, Harry

HARRY:
We're done

GINNY:
We'll start
Please
Open your heart
You wanna kiss?

HARRY: 
No, none

GINNY:
Oh,
Well that's no fun!

HARRY:
Maybe one

GINNY:
Wait and see
You'll want me
Ginny

(GINNY kisses HARRY briefly on the lips, and then slowly backs away to leave, staring at him all the way out the door)

HARRY: (spoken)
Maybe I really should get out of the house some