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Chapter Text

“9-1-1 what is your emergency?”

“I need help! My daddy fell over and he isn’t waking up!” 

The 118 had gone tearing through the streets to the address dispatch had given them, eventually pulling up outside the suburban home. It was a medical call, that’s what they had been told, but the whole team had been requested. Eddie jumped down from the truck at the same time as Bobby and Bosko, Hen and Chim appeared too from the ambulance. At the other end of the garden, the front door opened. A little girl appeared, with tear-stained cheeks and red puffy eyes, a mobile phone still in her hand. 

“He’s in here!” The girl cried, leaving the door open as she disappeared into the house. Eddie stepped aside to let Hen and Chim take the lead, instead choosing to focus on the little girl. As the paramedics disappeared into the kitchen where their victim lay unconscious, Eddie stayed in the hallway and knelt next to the little girl, putting on the same voice he used with Chris to keep her calm whilst his teammates worked. The little girl’s tears soon stopped, especially when she saw her dad sit up, and within twenty-minutes of being on the scene, they were preparing to pack up and go back to the station. 

Watching Hen and Chim load the man and his daughter into the back of the ambulance, Eddie reached a hand up to his radio and it came to life. “You’re missing out on all the fun, Buckley.”

On the other end of the line, at the dispatch centre on the other side of the city, Buck smiled brightly and pushed his glasses back up his nose. He had his head propped up on one hand, pen twirling between his fingers on the other, headset on. His LAFD uniform had been switched up for a maroon dispatch shirt, his work station was littered with little trinkets gathered over the months.

“Aww, do you miss me already?” he teased. He could practically hear the eyeroll. 

“Nah, just telling you what you’re missing all cooped up in your safe office.” 

Buck leaned back on the chair, fiddling with the pen he was holding. “Oh Diaz, you wound me! Chris says he misses me every day.”

“That’s because you let him play video games and eat candy whilst I make him do his homework.”

“One of us has to be the good cop, babe, but don’t worry you’re still my second favourite.”

“I feel attacked! Don’t make me come down there.”

“What are you gonna do, handsome, spank me?”

“ We can all hear you, Buck ,” came Bobby’s voice down the line. Buck laughed.

“Miss you too, Cap!” he replied, “have a fun rest of your shift, guys!” and with hellos and goodbyes from the 118, and a little bit more flirting to Eddie, the line went dead. Still smiling, Buck took off the headset and hopped up, ignoring the way Maddie glared exasperatedly at him and Josh wiggled his eyebrows, instead just going straight to the break room where he poured himself a cup of coffee. 

“Do we need to have another talk about appropriate behaviour in the workplace?” Buck nearly choked on his drink as Sue magically appeared, brow raised. 

“Just some harmless fun,” Buck assured her, picking up the coffee pot again to pour some into the mug Sue was holding, “Eddie always starts it, anyways.”

“I bet you can’t wait to get back out there in the field,” Sue said, pointedly looking at Buck over her coffee with that all-knowing look in her eyes. 

When Buck had been told that he couldn’t go back to work because of the embolism, he had honestly thought his life was over. Firefighting was his life, and then all of a sudden he couldn’t be a firefighter anymore. Then the tsunami happened, he lost Christopher in the disaster, and Buck had wanted to give up. He had wanted to give up right there and then. 

But he didn’t. People were counting on him. 

No, instead, Buck kept swimming. Christopher was reunited with Eddie and Buck finally let himself relax, only to fall unconscious from blood loss. When he woke up in the hospital he had an armful of Diaz, Chris burrowed into his side, and before he even realised it he was being snogged senseless by Eddie. 

It was safe to say that Buck found his reason to keep swimming. 

Being with his favourite boys helped, in more ways than Buck could have ever hoped for. He would have spent his days wallowing in his apartment but he didn’t, though he did spend a lot of time curled up under the covers on Eddie’s bed praying that the day would hurry up and end. Sure, it wasn’t an instant fix, but Chris and Eddie pulled Buck up when he hit rock bottom and they helped him to keep going. Instead of just sitting around, Buck decided to look into other careers in the fire department, if only until he could return to field work. There had been a position as a fire marshal available and Buck nearly took it. 

But then Maddie had mentioned off-hand that they were short-staffed at the dispatch and the tsunami hadn’t helped at all. She was struggling with the back to back double shifts. As soon as she had hung up, Buck gave Sue a call and asked if she wanted an extra set of hands around the place. Sue had been happy to bring him in. And Buck was good at the job. Josh showed him the ropes, told him everything he needed to know, and within a week Buck was on his own answering calls and sending help where it needed to go. He knew better than anyone what the callers needed; from minimal details he was able to assess situations as if he was on the scene himself. More often than not he was typing rapid notes for the firefighters telling them what equipment they’d need. Sitting there in his maroon shirt, glasses on, pen in hand, he helped people even if he wasn’t there to actually help him. 

Six months later, and there Buck was, drinking coffee with Sue in the breakroom. She kept giving him that stare and Buck just sighed, putting his mug down on the counter. This was a conversation he had hoped he would be able to avoid. 

“I’m not ready yet,” he told her. Sue put her mug down. 

“Buck, you’ve been allowed to go back to firefighting for over a month and yet still haven’t gone back,” she began in that strange tone he only ever heard with Athena. It was almost… motherly.

“I just-... I need more time,” Buck tried to brush her off, turning away to grab his glasses where he had rested them on the counter for a minute, giving his eyes a break. 

“Have you spoken to Maddie or Eddie about this? Or, anyone?” Sue asked him. She had walked closer, close enough that she could rest a hand on his upper arm in a way that felt so comforting. 

“... Eddie knows a little- n-not everything.”

“Well, if you need me, you have my number. I’m not just your supervisor, okay?” Buck nodded, giving Sue a dim smile that she returned. “You’re welcome here as long as you need, but sooner or later you know that you’re gonna have to jump back into the saddle.”

Buck sighed again. She was right, and Buck did not want to admit it. The longer and longer he stayed at dispatch the less and less he wanted to leave, to go back to fighting fires and saving civilians. He put his glasses back on, scooped up his coffee and walked back out onto the floor, retaking his seat. He could dwell on things later, at home, because he had a job to do. 

“Later at home”, to Buck, had actually meant “shove it down until I have no choice but to face it”. It meant “ignore my problems so I can instead spend time with my amazing new boyfriend and his wonderful son”. It meant asking Eddie about his day whilst he did chores and Eddie rested on the couch because he had been at the scene of a pile-up for hours and got home late, and Buck wasn’t about to let him help with laundry when all Buck did all day was sit on his ass and talk down a microphone. 

He did, however, pause folding t-shirts when Eddie snuck up behind him and wrapped his arms around Buck’s waist, kissing his neck. Christopher had gone to play in his room already and that left the two adults alone. To say things had developed in the past six months was an understatement. Eddie hadn’t left his side after the tsunami, and Buck’s anxiety was through the roof whenever he couldn’t see Chris, so Eddie had taken them both home and there Buck had stayed. He loved living with the Diazes, loved spending time curled up on the couch with his boys. Loved taking Chris to school and then going back home remembering Eddie had the day off too. 

The sex was hot, but that wasn’t the point. 

It was honestly like a dream come true; Buck never thought he’d get a chance, that Eddie would always be out of his reach, but all it took was another natural disaster to get the two of them together. Something had finally gone right in Buck’s life and he was clinging to it with both hands. 

“I really missed you today,” Eddie whispered, burying his face in Buck’s neck, “Bosko is good and all but I really can’t wait for you to come back to work.”

Buck lost his smile. He put down the final t-shirt, pulled out of Eddie’s arms and grabbed the folded pile of laundry. Eddie began protesting, began asking what was wrong but Buck, walking away from Eddie, turned around and said “I really don’t want to talk about it right now” and then continued to the bedroom, where he opened the closet door and began putting the clothes away. 

He immediately felt guilty, but kept putting the clothes away. There was no specific place where the clothes went, no matter whose they were, they just went on the shelves neatly folded or hung up on the hangars. Most of the clothes were Buck’s anyways, since Eddie lived in henleys and jeans and only had about half a shelfs worth of clothes. It was amazing how much laundry three people could make in a week because-

Out of the corner of his eye, Buck saw Eddie appear in the doorway. He had a neutral expression but leaned his shoulder against the wall and folded his arms over his chest. Buck sighed, shoulders slumping. “I know you want me to come back to work but I’m not ready yet.”

“Okay,” Eddie said softly. He kicked off the wall and walked over, taking the pile of clothes from Buck’s arms. He placed them on the bed then turned back around and wrapped his arms around Buck’s shoulders, staring intently into Buck’s eyes with nothing but love. Buck nearly had to avert his gaze. Even six months into their relationship and Buck still found it unbelievable sometimes when Eddie looked at him like that. “If you’re not ready then you’re not ready. Bobby said your position is still there whenever you’re ready to come back,” his smile turned sad, “I just really wish you would tell me why.”

“I’m sorry-”

“No, baby, no,” Eddie interrupted with a shake of his head, “you have nothing to be sorry for. Sure, there’s no one else I’d rather be working with but you have to do this in your own time, I get that,” he moved one of his hands so it came to cup Buck’s cheek, “I just want to make sure you know that I love you and I am here for you, okay?” 

“Okay.” Eddie grinned, that loopy, sincere grin that Buck adored, then leaned in and kissed Buck so gently yet so passionately. The kind of kisses they sneak when the others aren’t around on shift. Then he pulled back and nodded to the pile of laundry. 

“Let’s get this finished. I want to hear all about your day.” Eddie told him, the two of them reaching for the rest of the clothes. 

Later, much later when the world was dead and there was nothing but the moon to keep Buck company, Buck couldn’t sleep. Eddie was peacefully snoring, arm wrapped around Buck’s chest protectively, whereas Buck just stared at the ceiling, guilt swirling in his heart. He shouldn’t have snapped at Eddie, he shouldn’t have been rude like that especially when all Eddie had ever tried to do was help him. 

But how do you tell your boyfriend, your work partner, that you can’t come back to work because you don’t trust yourself anymore? How do you tell someone who looks at you like you hung the freaking moon and stars that you can’t go back to saving lives, because you lost his son? How do you recover from that? From losing one of the most important people in your life and nearly losing him forever? How? Buck couldn’t. He was trying to but he just couldn’t. He works Dispatch so Eddie doesn’t ask him to babysit anymore, because he doesn’t trust himself to take care of Chris, to not lose him again. 

He works dispatch because if he lost the most important little boy in the world, how can he be trusted to save the lives of civilians? How can he trust himself to do the job, to be focused on helping people, to save people? His confidence hadn’t just been shot, it had been shattered and all those little pieces had been swept away in the receding waters of the tsunami. If he didn’t have confidence in himself, then how could others? If he didn’t trust himself, then how could others?

No, Evan Buckley was not ready to be a firefighter again. 

And he feared he never would be.

Chapter Text

The weeks that followed passed in much the same fashion they had since the tsunami. Buck woke up, got Chris ready and took him to school, went to work at Dispatch, picked up Chris from school and then cooked/did chores until Eddie got home. Or, if Buck was working nights, he got everything ready for Carla, went to work, came home as the sun was rising and got Chris to school before he slept the rest of the day away. His LAFD uniform remained in the closet, his duffel bag remained by the door. 

And Buck only got worse. He hid it well, working at Dispatch kept him busy and he helped a lot of people on his shift, and at home Buck was always so focused on Christopher and Eddie and spending time with them. Any time it was brought up, no matter who by, Buck just kept telling people he wasn’t ready. 

He never mentioned the nightmares. He never mentioned the panic attacks. He never mentioned the crushing fear every time he took Christopher to school. He buried everything, kept his head down, because he didn’t know how else to cope with it. He didn’t want to admit that he couldn’t do his job anymore. 

Eddie was wonderful. He was so understanding and never pushed. Maddie had tried to get him to open up a few times but she stopped, seemingly understanding that her brother needed time. The team were always there, sending texts every now and again or joking with him over the radio. They were all concerned, but they were letting Buck take the reins on it. Athena dragged him out for lunch whenever she could, the team came over for movie nights, they did everything to make sure Buck was still a part of the team. 

But they all had their own lives. Sometimes his texts went unanswered, sometimes plans had to be cancelled. It was slow, especially since Buck’s time was mostly spent working or with the Diazes anyway, but they all started to disappear. Buck couldn’t blame them; they all had more important things to do than text him when he was bored. Their jobs were dangerous and chaotic and it was easy to forget about those who weren’t in the field anymore. It’s not like they saw each other fifty hours a week anymore. 

So, Buck threw himself deeper into his work. Dispatch was always crazy, calls coming in every second. It was enough to let Buck switch his brain off for a while, focus on helping other people instead of wallowing in his self pity. That could wait for the nights when Eddie was on a 24. No, his wallowing could wait because he had a job to do. If he couldn’t save people on the scenes, then he would save people from behind them and so he tapped on the keyboard and accepted the next call, throwing everything else out of his brain so he could help the person calling him 

“Miss, I need you to tell me what happened.” Buck said to the woman on the other end of the phone. He said woman, but he really meant girl because the caller didn’t sound any older than May. 

“... i-it hurts…” a voice whispered down the line. Buck bit his lip. 

“I’ve dispatched an ambulance to your location, just hang on for me, okay?” He told her, “What’s your name?”

“...C-Charlie…”

“Okay, stay with me, Charlie.” Units were on their way, they were just a few minutes out. “Can you tell me where you’re hurt?”

“M’tired…”

“No, no, Charlie, stay awake for me!” Buck instructed, trying to keep his voice level. Help was nearly on the scene. 

“M’sorry…” Charlie mumbled, and the line went quiet. 

“Charlie? Charlie, are you there? Say something, please! Charlie? Charlie!” Sounds began to echo in the background. Sirens. Voices from first responders. Paramedics calling out words and phrases Buck had heard hundreds of times, but hearing them say “Victims is DOA” shattered something. 

A hand fell onto his shoulder. Buck jumped a mile and turned, only to find Sue there, soft and understanding smile on her lips. She nodded to the break room, gently took the headset from him and ushered Buck up out of the chair. Buck turned and walked away from his work station. 

It wasn’t until he walked into the silence of the break room that he realised he was hyperventilating. He collapsed into the nearest chair and pressed a hand down firmly on his chest, willing himself to calm down. His vision went blurry so he scrubbed at his eyes. 

It wasn’t the first time Buck had lost someone on a call: as a firefighter you lose people all the time if their injuries are too severe. Working dispatch, sometimes people on the other end of the line called 9-1-1 with their last ounces of strength. It’s a part of the job, you have to leave it at that. Some people were beyond saving, you just had to comfort them and make their passing as painless as possible. Buck could remember the names of everyone he had lost over the years, had gone out of his way to learn the names of those who hadn’t been able to tell him. They were all a part of a list he kept with him, a tiny black notebook he kept at the bottom of his work bag, because no one deserved to be forgotten and Buck wasn’t about to forget them. 

Charlie would be the next name on that list. 

But for some reason, this felt different. Gasping, Buck blinked back tears. The first rule of the dispatch was no crying on the job, not that anyone actually listened to that. He tried to calm himself down but nothing seemed to work because his brain just kept repeating over and over again that he lost her. He lost her. Help was on the way and he lost her. He lost Charlie. He was right there, talking to her and he lost her. He lost her. He lost her. He lost him. He lost him. He lost Christopher. Where was Christopher? Christopher!

“It’s okay, Evan,” someone said, a hand carding through his hair. “It’s okay, copy my breathing.”

But Christopher-

“Chris is fine. He’s at school. He’s safe. You need to calm your breathing.” His breaths were ragged and harsh but whoever was with him, whoever he was leaning against was gently coaching him through familiar breathing exercises. Buck wasn’t sure how long he sat there for but eventually, his chest felt lighter and it was easier to breathe, no longer gasping to get oxygen into his lungs. The tears began to clear from his eyes and Buck saw it was Maddie he was leaning into, whispering soothing words softly into his ear. 

Josh appeared from nowhere, phone in his hands. He said something Buck didn’t catch and before he even realised it, the phone was being pressed up against his ear, a familiar and oh so welcomed voice saying his name. “Chris! Hey, buddy!”

“Hi Daddy, are you okay? Uncle Josh said you were upset.”

“Uh, I-I’m fine, Superman. Daddy’s just having a bad day. Needed to hear your voice.” Buck cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter, taking the phone from Josh and silently thanking him. Josh just winked and walked out of the break room. “You excited for your sleepover with Harry tonight?”

“Yup! Dad said Michael’s gonna pick me up after school.” A bell rang in the background of the call. “I have to go back to class.”

“You go, buddy, I-I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon, okay?” 

“Okay. I love you, Daddy.”

“I-I love you too, Chris,” and the line went dead. Chris must have either hung up the phone or handed it to the teacher who hung up. Buck placed the phone down on the nearby table and slumped over, head in his hands. 

“How are you feeling?” Maddie asked. Buck didn’t have a good answer. No, instead he just brushed Maddie’s concerns off and smiled as best as he could. Maddie saw right through it. She stood up and went to grab him a glass of water, helping Buck to drink it when he found his hands were still shaking. 

The door to the break room opened. In walked Sue. Something went unsaid between her and Maddie but soon Maddie was pressing a kiss to Buck’s cheek and leaving, Sue taking her place on the chair next to Buck. She looked concerned. Buck had to look away. 

“Sorry,” he said, “I didn’t mean to lose it like that.”

“It was a difficult call,” Sue replied, “I would be more concerned if you hadn’t reacted like that. It means you’re human.” Buck gave her an uneasy smile, wringing his fingers together. 

“I-I can get back to work in a bit, just gimme a-”

“Buck,” Sue said firmly, looking him in the eyes with worry, “I think there is something else going on. I’m not going to pry because that’s not my place but I really think you need to talk to someone about this. You need help.” Buck let his head fall, gaze firmly on his shoes. “I don’t know if it is safe for you to be alone right now, so how about this. Either you can stay here and come and help me with some paperwork in the office, or you have someone drive you to the firehouse and stay there for the rest of the day. What would you like to do?” 

“... I want to go home.” Buck admitted. Sue nodded. 

“Why don’t you go and get your things and I’ll see if someone can come and pick you up,” she instructed gently, the two of them standing at the same time. A comforting hand on his shoulder, Sue guided Buck out of the break room. No one looked up from their work as Buck hurried from the dispatch floor and practically ran down the hall to the cloakroom. 

Buck didn’t let himself break down until the cloakroom door had fully closed and he was certain he was alone. He let himself fall on his ass and lean back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling as fresh tears fell freely from his eyes. 

He needed help. He needed help and he didn’t know how to get it because he couldn’t explain what was wrong with him. How could anything be wrong with him? He had a good job where he helped people, he had an amazing boyfriend and a wonderful son, he had a good network of friends. The tsunami was seven months ago, why did it still affect him so much? Why was it dragging him down still? Why? He should be over this! He should have gone back to work a month ago and be back to saving lives with Eddie. Yet he was still hiding behind the screens at dispatch. He still had nightmares. He still panicked every time Chris was out of his sight. He still kept his head down and powered through it because he should have been over it by now. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t. 

It was bad enough that he didn’t trust himself in the field. He couldn’t save people, he didn’t have it in him anymore. That had been swept away with the tsunami, swept away like Chris had been when he fell off the ladder truck. But dispatch, dispatch he could still do. He could help people and get them the help they needed. Now he couldn’t even save people from dispatch. He could have saved Charlie if he had just been quicker, if he had kept her talking longer. He could have saved her. He could have saved him! He should have saved him. 

He couldn’t save people anymore. What was he worth if he couldn’t save people anymore? Everything about who he was as a person was focused around being a firefighter. If he couldn’t be a firefighter anymore then who was he? What was he? What was the point of existing if-

And, in a split second, he froze. A shiver ran up his spine and Buck felt terrified of his own mind. Sue was right. He needed help. Desperately. 

Though he lacked any sort of energy, Buck forced himself onto his feet. He sluggishly reached for his jacket and shrugged it on, slinging his bag onto his shoulder. Taking a few deep breaths, Buck wiped his face with his sleeve and left the cloakroom, whatever remaining confidence he had being put into his steps as he walked back to the dispatch floor. It was a good thing he was going to the firehouse, he needed to talk to Eddie and soon, and he desperately wanted to see the team. Maybe Bobby could give him the number of a department therapist? There was no harm in asking, right? Bobby would understand, so would Eddie. They had to talk about it, and as soon as possible. Not just for Buck’s sake, but for Eddie and Cristopher’s as well. He wasn’t on his own anymore, he had his family and they-

To say the dispatch floor had become busy was an understatement. Buck looked up from where he had been staring at his feet as he walked at the controlled chaos, calls flying in at a mile a minute as Sue, Josh and the other supervisors ran around the floor. On the televisions lining the walls, different news channels had been switched on and from all angles the stations showed a high-rise building ablaze, fire engines arriving on scene. 

“What happened?” Buck asked as Josh passed. 

“Three-alarm fire downtown. It’s all hands on deck. If you don’t mind hanging back I’ll give you a lift once things have calmed down,” Josh replied and hurried off to continue working before Buck could respond. Everyone was at their stations, whiteboards were being dragged out onto the floor, it looked how like Maddie had described the dispatch on the day of the tsunami with everyone running around trying to keep up with the calls incoming. 

On the televisions, the news reporters were doing a pretty good job of catching all the action. For a three-alarm fire, Buck knew who would be responding: twelve engine companies, seven ladder companies, six battalion chief units, one rescue squad, and multiple other teams, and that was the bare minimum. A gazebo had been set up in the parking lot outside; that was the on site command centre. The Incident Command would be working out of there. Most of the companies responding Buck recognised, and he wasn’t surprised then he saw the 118 pull up to the scene, but it did tug on something in his heart when he realised his team were going into a dangerous call and he wasn’t there to help them. It felt weird, watching from across the city as his team - his family - geared up and went running into the burning building. 

Protocol dictated that during such an emergency, when the “All Hands” call was sent out, it meant “everyone get to work”, but as Buck looked around the dispatch floor he saw that all the stations were occupied. Linda had taken over Priority One, Sue and Josh were manning the floor and everyone was working hard. Feeling a little awkward just standing there, Buck turned around and hurried to the break room, hefted his bag off of his shoulder and onto the counter. He was meant to be going home, but with such an emergency, the least he could do was stick around and help. The television in the break room was playing News Eight, Taylor Kelly’s voice filtering through the speakers clearly despite the low volume. Though the camera was far from the scene, the police line had been set up quite a distance back, Buck could see the firefighters running into the building, hoselines set up and dousing the flames. 

From the dispatch floor Buck heard a shout, something about getting the gas main shut off, but before he had the chance to turn to see what the commotion was about, he froze. 

The volume on the televisions was always kept low, so the dispatchers could concentrate on their calls, but you didn’t have to have the news on full volume to be able to feel the way the explosion echoed throughout the room. On the televisions, where the Incident Command gazebo had once been, was an eruption of fire that reached up four floors. 

His feet acted before his brain caught up. Buck ran back out into the dispatch floor and found everyone frozen, looking around at one another with gaping mouths and wide eyes. On the news, on every monitor they had, the news cameras caught it all. 

The street outside the highrise had exploded. The gazebo was gone. Fire trucks were on their sides. Bodies in reflective turnout gear littered the street. 

Linda ripped off her headset and tapped a key on the keyboard. A young voice, one Buck didn’t know, came through the speakers. Others did the same. More voices joined. 

“We’ve lost Incident Command!”

“Firefighters are down!” 

“Trucks have been damaged!”

“I’ve lost contact with my team!” 

“Dispatch, we need assistance!”

No one moved. No one said a word. Buck looked around wordlessly. Sue looked lost, Josh much the same. There were no protocols for this! Dispatch needed orders from Incident Command before they could do anything, but Incident Command was gone. The voices that came through the speakers were panicked, afraid, as they had every right to be. 

“Dispatch, what are our orders?”

“I've got multiple casualties! We need back up!”

“We need an IC on scene!”

“We need help!”

“What do we do?” Linda asked. All eyes turned to Sue but she was gaping, head shaking. They were dispatchers; they needed to wait for orders, needed to wait for the signal to send for reinforcements. 

Help wasn’t coming. 

They needed orders. 

They needed an Incident Commander. 

They needed a firefighter. 

And, Buck realised, they had one. 

Buck stormed forwards. He ignored everyone’s eyes, grabbed the nearest headset and politely yet urgently ushered Linda out of the chair of Priority One. “What are you doing?” someone asked him. 

“My job,” Buck replied. As soon as he was sitting, he tapped on the keyboard. 

“This is Incident Command. Help is here.”

Chapter Text

Buck was out of his depth, but to be fair to him, he was the most qualified to lead the situation at hand so he didn’t allow himself to panic as he spoke to the firefighter his line had connected him to. 

It hadn’t taken long to get a read on the situation: the fire had originated on the twenty-second floor on the west side, where construction had been going on. Though that floor was empty, the floors above it from twenty-three to thirty-five had offices which were being evacuated through the east stairwell. By the time the 118 had arrived, the floors below were all empty but the ones above were still occupied. Unfortunately, the gas company hadn’t been able to shut off the gas quick enough. Leaking gas ignited, which travelled back down the gas line all the way to the main pipe under the street, which hadn’t been mapped off correctly on the city planning. If it had been, Incident Command never would have set up their tent directly above it. All the windows on the highrise had been shattered, the fire was spreading more and more with every passing second, and the panic was only getting worse. 

The first thing Buck had done was order and emergency regrouping at the trucks that survived the explosion. A quick headcount told him that they were missing over half of their responding officers, and there was no way to tell who was missing, injured or dead, aside from everyone who had been inside Incident Command. 

The only thing Buck knew for certain was that no one from the 118 reported in. 

Immediately, Buck threw out commands. He told Sue to send for reinforcements and had Linda request LAPD assistance. They were down four engines and two ladder trucks. The Squad truck had survived and so had the ambulances since they had been on the other side of the scene. With this information, they could make a plan. The injured were being tended to and moved for triage, the dead black-tagged. With the street being cleared and the fire only getting worse, Buck got the engines going and had the hoses running once again. They couldn’t do anything until that fire was under control because he couldn’t send the firefighters back in with the exits blocked off.

“What’s your name, firefighter?” Buck asked. 

“M-Mirabel. Guzman, sir. Station 145.”

“And how long you been with the LAFD for, Guzman?”

“F-four months, sir.”

“Okay, Guzman, here’s the deal. I do not have eyes or feet on the scene so I’m going to need you to be them, can you do that?” Buck kept his voice as steady as he could talking to Guzman of the 145. She barely sounded out of high school, and to know she was a probie made the situation even worse. “As soon as the fire is under control, we can send in the rescue teams. Back up is coming but it’s still a little way out. I need you to keep an eye on the scene and tell me immediately if anything changes.”

“H-How will I know-?”

“Trust your training,” Buck soothed, “you know exactly what you are looking for. You’ve done these drills before. Once help arrives, you wave them through and relay the exact orders I give to them. Understood?”

“Yes, sir!”

The relief teams were stuck trying to get through the mess that had formed on the streets around the scene. They had no choice but to hold off until support arrived but that was looking more and more difficult. However, a quick report reached Buck that the east stairwell had remained clear and the teams who had been in the stairwell during the explosion were able to get out before the fire blocked their path, bringing civilians with them. They also brought news of the situation. Four different teams were stuck above floor twenty-two and were going to need an evac. 

The 118 was one of those teams. 

It took a long time but the fire was soon reported to be under control. Once half the building was out, Buck ordered the rescue teams inside. “You go in together, you come out together, that’s an order!” and wasn’t that ironic coming from Buck of all people. Anyone who knew him knew that he would never listen to that order. 

But, Buck realised as he worked why he knew the companies responding. He had helped Bobby with admin work last time he visited the firehouse and had seen in the piles of paperwork that most of the companies on scene just had a rotation of probies come in after the tsunami. Most of the people on the scene hadn’t even been firefighters for half a year yet. Like Guzman, this was probably their first Multiple-Alarm fire and quite possibly their first really serious call. 

So, he gave orders. It was probably not his place to do so but someone had to. All of the chiefs in the Incident Command tent had died on scene or were seriously injured, the captains either in the building or in a similar shape. Until help arrived, all Buck had to work with were probies. They were doing well; there hadn’t been any more casualties and the injured were already on their way to hospital. 

“Sue, how’s my backup coming?” Buck asked, not looking up from his monitors. 

“We’ve got four companies responding so far, they’ll be on scene in moments,” Sue reported. 

“And the battalion chiefs?”

“On their way but the traffic downtown is causing delays,” another dispatcher told him. 

“I’ve got LAPD responding to the traffic,” Linda called out, “they’re doing their best but it’s gonna take a while.”

“Then we’ll have to make do with what we’ve got in the meantime. Good job everyone!” 

What Buck missed, so focused on the monitors before him, was how Josh walked past Maddie where she was writing out names and company numbers on whiteboards and whispered “your brother is awesome!” All Maddie could do in response was whisper back “I know.” She spared Buck a quick glance, not seeing anything but the back of his head, but she felt nothing but pride. Pride and panic, because the situation was terrifying, but mostly pride because as she watched him for those few brief moments, Maddie knew that that was her brother. That was Evan Buckley, the best firefighter the LAFD ever had. 

Support finally arrived. Companies were pulling up to the scene and with them they brought more and more hope. Buck gave Guzman orders and she relayed them to the new arrivals, and within moments more hoselines were active, most rescue teams were going into the building. More and more civilians were being brought out to safety. Teams switched out, makeshift squads replaced with whole firehouses, and as the firefighters took much-needed breathers the battle against the fire continued. The names on the whiteboards were being noted down and soon crossed off as people left the scene for hospitals or went back to their firehouses as the next shift took over. Risking a glance at the television screens, gave Buck a better picture of what they were dealing with, a helicopter giving them an aerial view of the scene. The fire was smaller. The streets busier. 

It took forever for the fire to go out. Forever . As soon as the fire was completely out, the engine companies cleared up and cleared off the scene with Buck’s approval. Rescue squads were still going in and out, though all living civilians were now accounted for and slowly the sweeps of the building were turning up with less and less. Ambulances arrived and were gone again in seconds, police officers were working their way on site to begin identifying the deceased, and soon the chaos was calming. 

The final checks came in. All floors cleared, all survivors out of the building. Buck ordered an evacuation for one final regroup. “I want a roll call! Regroup with your companies and call in with your headcounts!” he said, his voice growing hoarse from the hours he had been barking orders out. Down the radio he heard the commotion and for the first time in hours, he spun around and looked at the rest of the dispatch. One by one, dispatchers called out company numbers and headcounts, and on the whiteboards names were being crossed off. One at a time, companies were accounted for and as the units were counted, Buck felt his heart drop more and more. 

The 118 were still unaccounted for. 

“Incident Command to Captain 118, report,” Buck called into the headset. No response. “Captain 118, call in.” Nothing. “Captain Nash?” The dispatch was silent, everyone holding their breaths. “Captain Nash? Firefighter Han? Firefighter Wilson!” Buck sucked in a sharp breath. “Firefighter Diaz, respond!” Nothing. “Firefighter Diaz!” Then-

“This is Firefighter Diaz. All heads accounted for,” Buck nearly sobbed. Around him people were gasping in relief. “We’ve got two headed for medical, rest of us accompanying.”

For the first time since the explosion, Buck let himself breathe. “Copy that, Firefighter Diaz,” he said, spinning around on his chair to face the monitors again. It was as if a weight had been lifted from his chest, not just that his team were all okay, but that every one of the original first responders were accounted for. The chaos was under control, not only at the scene but around it too as police units reported in saying the traffic in the surrounding streets was finally moving. 

Heading Eddie’s voice made him want to cry. But he didn’t, instead, Buck got back to work. Guzman reported that the structure was stable enough to send rescue teams into the destroyed floors, even if it was only for black tag retrieval. Though there was still a lot of work to do, the immediate danger was gone and all that remained was to secure the scene. 

It wasn’t too long before a voice Buck had been hoping for came through his headset. “Incident Command, this is Commissioner Rhea. Backup has arrived on scene, we can take it from here.”

“Ten-four, Commissioner. Passing over command.” Buck relayed the information he had and let the line disconnect. He stayed at his station and flipped over his radio frequency. “727-L-30 this is Dispatch, report,” he called. 

“This is 727-L-30, what can I do for you, Dispatch?” came Athena’s voice down the headset. 

“Thought you’d want to know, Station 118 is on their way to First Presbyterian. Two are in for injuries.”

“Ten-Four, Dispatch. I’ll meet you there.”

“Ten-four.” 

For the first time in hours, Buck removed the headset, placed it on the table next to him, and slumped down in his chair, letting out a sigh. His heart was racing, his head spinning, blood rushing in his ears. Buck rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms - the headache that was forming suddenly made sense as he realised he forgot to wear his glasses, and staring at screens for hours without them caused migraines - but he shook his head, pushed his chair back and stood up. 

Someone started clapping. Others joined in. Before he even registered it Buck had an arm full of his sister. He looked around the dispatch floor and found everyone looking at him, with blinding smiles and loud cheers. Maddie squeezed him tightly and whispered in his ear,” I am so proud of you!” before she pulled back, tears in her eyes. Josh appeared out of nowhere and punched his shoulder affectionately, Buck couldn’t help himself, his cheeks turned red and he ducked his head just the slightest, meekly grinning at everyone. 

Buck looked up at Sue. “I-”

“Go, both of you,” she said, “let us know how everyone is.” Buck nodded. With Maddie following close behind Buck all but ran from the dispatch floor, stopping briefly in the break room to grab his bag before he ran to meet Maddie at the elevator. In moments the doors were closing and down they were going. 

And down Buck nearly went, if not for the fact that Maddie caught him before he fell to his knees.  It was like all his wires had been cut, adrenaline completely dissipating from his body. Maddie asked if he was okay and all Buck could do was nod mutely. A wave of exhaustion washed over him and with it came worry, panic, fear, everything he refused to let himself feel whilst working. It was a crushing weight, one that nearly took Buck out, but he shuddered a breath and steadied himself, brushing off Maddie’s concern. 

They had a hospital to get to. 

Getting to First Presbyterian was a nightmare. The traffic downtown may have been clearing up but it was slow, and so the drive took them nearly an hour longer than planned. The whole drive both Buckleys had been on edge, barely saying a word, but Maddie had one hand linked with Buck’s between them. 

They hadn’t heard anything from the team since Eddie radioed in saying they were going to medical, but Athena had sent a single text to Buck saying to hurry and it had sent Buck’s mind racing. He had been told that two were going in for treatment, but he hadn’t been told which two. 

When they finally arrived and pulled into the hospital parking lot, Maddie was shoo-ing Buck out of her car, telling him to go and find their family whilst she found a parking spot. Buck was out of the car before he even finished saying thank you, tearing across the tarmac and around the hospital until he reached the Emergency Room doors. 

The ER was crazy, even more than an ER was supposed to be. Buck knew the doctors of First Presbyterian well because he had been a patient in the hospital more times than he would have liked. It was weird, being on a first name basis with the doctors and nurses who were running past him without a second glance. He owed the people in this hospital his life because they were the only reason he could walk after the ladder truck bombing, and Buck had hoped that nearly two months ago when his doctor told him he was cleared for field work again would be the last time he ever saw them. 

Instead, he was standing in the middle of the waiting room looking around aimlessly, lost as to where to go and what to do. There was a line of people leading up to the desk, the doors into the ER were closed, and around the room no one paid him any mind. There were lots of firefighters - off duty but still in uniform - sitting around with solemn faces, most likely waiting for news on friends and teammates. He couldn’t see his team anywhere, the sea of faces began blurring into one as he scanned the crowds and-

“Buck!” came Athena’s voice and Buck spun around, finding Athena, Hen and Chim sitting in the corner of the waiting room. He ran over just as the three of them stood. 

“Are you okay?” He asked his teammates, neither putting up a fight as he subjected them to a careful inspection, taking a note of every cut, scrape and bruise. Everything looked superficial for both of them; Hen had a nasty gash on her forehead that had been stitched up and Chim had one arm wrapped around his chest, but they were awake, alert and on their feet which was a good sign. 

“We’re fine. Nothing major or worth being admitted for,” Hen told him. Sighing, Buck pulled her in for a gentle hug, doing the same for Chim moments later before he ushered them both to sit down again. Without even needing to be asked Hen began to explain, “the explosion knocked us all off our feet. The fire took out the floor above and nearly trapped us but we got out just in time.” 

“Where are Bobby and Eddie?” 

Hen and Chim’s faces fell, but Athena placed a hand on his shoulder. She was still in her uniform, looking tired with pained eyes. “Bobby was admitted for a Grade 3 concussion. He was unconscious when they brought him in but his MRI came back clear and he’s getting settled now. The doctors are certain he’ll be fine.” 

“And Eddie?”

Athena’s gaze softened. Her hand on Buck’s shoulder tightened and Buck felt a lump form in his throat. 

“What happened to Eddie?” He asked them, looking between the three first responders. It was Chimney who answered. 

“Eddie collapsed after he finished radioing you. Adrenaline and shock must have kept him going because he had been… impaled by a shard of glass.” Buck’s knees nearly gave out. “He had signs of internal bleeding in his abdomen. Possible concussion. He’s currently in surgery.”

If not for Athena, Buck would have ended up on the floor. She helped him to sit down in the unoccupied seat next to Chimney, wrapping her arms around Buck’s shoulders and pulling him in close. Buck put up no fight. He didn’t have the energy to. He just leaned into Athena’s embrace, gaze falling out of focus as he stared at some nondescript spot on the ER floor as someone whispered words into his ear that he barely registered. Sitting there, no fight left in his body, Buck did the only thing he could. 

He sobbed. 

Chapter Text

The surgery had ended hours ago. Splenectomy, Dr. Rhodes had said. Eddie’s spleen had ruptured from the glass that had impaled his abdomen. Left lumbar region, to be precise. He hadn’t needed the ventilator after the surgery, so as he lay there tucked under the itchy blankets on the hospital bed, Eddie just looked as if he was sleeping. Wires stuck out from his body all over, there was an IV inserted in the crook of his elbow, and underneath the blankets and the hospital gown Buck knew there were twelve stitches and a lot of gauze. 

It was very late. Buck hadn’t even realised how dark the world had been when he and Maddie left the dispatch, but outside the window the world was black and Los Angeles looked like it had come to a halt. Inside the room, the only sound came from the beeping monitors and the occasional noise from the hallway. Not for the first time that night Buck had thanked whoever was listening that Christopher was at Michael’s for a sleepover with Harry and Denny. The longer Chris was kept oblivious to the fact that his dad was in the hospital, the better, because Buck honestly wasn’t sure he would be able to tell the boy what happened without bursting into tears. 

Maddie had taken Chim home not too long ago. Hen had been picked up by Karen. Athena was sitting vigil by Bobby’s bedside waiting for him to wake up. Buck hadn’t moved from the chair next to Eddie since the doctor came to find him, one hand holding Eddie’s - careful of the O2 monitor clipped to his boyfriend’s finger - and the other gently stroking Eddie’s hair. He looked oddly peaceful, as if he was at home sleeping in late on a day off instead of recovering from major surgery.  

“Normally I’d be begging you to wake up about now,” Buck said quietly, “but I really want you to get better quickly so if you need to keep sleeping for a bit longer then that’s okay, mi encanto , you keep sleeping. I’m gonna stay here until you’re ready to wake up.” Eddie didn’t react, he didn’t move, he just kept sleeping. 

The doctors said he should wake up by the morning, the anaesthesia would wear off soon but he would probably sleep through the night. That was a good thing, because it meant Eddie would be away by the time Michael brought Christopher to the hospital tomorrow morning. Buck hadn’t even asked; Athena had called him and Michael offered, even offering to have Christopher for a few more nights if needed. What Buck did to deserve such an amazing family, he didn’t know. Half of the time it all felt like a dream, or a dream of a dream. 

A knock sounded on the door and when Buck turned his head, he found Athena standing in the doorway. “Hey Buckaroo, how is he?” she asked, walking into the room until she was close enough to rest her hands on Buck’s shoulders. 

“Still sleeping,” Buck said, “he doesn’t seem to be in any pain though, so that’s good.”

Athena smiled softly. “Well, good news,” Buck looked up at her, “Bobby’s awake, and he’d really like to see you.” Wordlessly Buck glanced back at Eddie and Athena squeezed his shoulder, “I can stay here with Eddie, if you’d like?” Buck nodded. He stood up and leaned over to press a lingering kiss to Eddie’s forehead, mindful of the bandage wrapped there, before he reluctantly pulled away. As much as he wanted to stay, he also really needed to see Bobby with his own eyes and make sure he was alright. Athena pulled Buck in for a quick hug before letting him go, taking the seat he had just vacated. 

Bobby’s room was only a few doors down. Since Eddie’s surgery had gone well the doctors felt comfortable moving him to a regular recovery room, and thanks to a bit of insistence from Athena, they were able to get Eddie and Bobby placed in rooms close to one another. So, it only took Buck a few strides to arrive at the hospital room door. Pausing, Buck inhaled a deep breath and let it out shakily, then knocked thrice on the door and slowly opened it without waiting for an answer. 

Bobby looked like shit, and that was being nice. His head was wrapped up in bandages, his eyes were tired and Buck knew for a fact that the painkillers they were feeding him weren’t doing anything as they were non-narcotic. However, when Bobby noticed Buck, he visibly brightened. “Hey!” He grinned, waving Buck over before slowly pushing himself upright. Buck hurried to the bedside, ready to scold Bobby for moving around so much so soon after a hit to the head - Athena certainly wouldn’t be pleased if she found out - but before he could say anything, Bobby wrapped his arms around Buck and pulled him in close, so much so that Buck had to sit down on the edge of the bed to stop himself from toppling over as he hugged his captain as tightly as he dared. 

For a moment they just stayed there like that, Buck’s face burrowed in Bobby’s collar, and it was nearly enough to bring Buck to tears but he had cried them all away hours ago, back when he first arrived at the hospital. That didn’t mean it wasn’t a relief to have the man Buck saw as his father hugging him. All the fears that had built up from the moment he saw the 118 go running into the burning building flooded out of him, and suddenly he felt lighter. 

“Thank you,” Bobby said after a few minutes of silence. Buck’s brow furrowed. 

“Uh, what for?” He asked. 

“I heard you,” Bobby pulled away just the slightest until he was able to look Buck in the eyes, “before I passed out, I heard you on the radio.” Buck grinned sheepishly and gave a shrug. 

“I was just… doing my job,” he tried, but Bobby shook his head. Then winced. 

“You were doing more than just your job, Buck. Athena told me everything. We never would have made it out of there without you.”

“Please don’t say that,” Buck tried to pull away but Bobby didn’t let him, hand finding its way to Buck’s neck. 

“Hey,” the captain said, using two fingers to lift Buck’s head up where he had turned away, “I’m proud of you.” The words made Buck want to leave, to deny it, because that joke has never been funny and it still wasn’t, but Bobby was looking at him with such sincerity that Buck felt more tears forming and his words got caught in his throat. Bobby must have noticed, because he just pulled Buck back into his embrace and held him tightly. 

 There didn’t seem to be a good moment for Buck to tell Bobby that he didn’t believe him. There didn’t seem to be a good moment for Buck to say how he didn’t deserve it. How everything that happened had been Buck’s fault. He didn’t know how to say it, mostly because he didn’t want to see Bobby’s eyes go sad like they always did when Buck did or said something that disappointed him. So he didn’t say anything, he just hugged Bobby and squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears to go away. 

Sleep came difficultly to Buck. He wasn’t sure if it was the overpowering scent of antiseptic, or the uncomfortable hospital chair that was too small for his large frame to sit properly in, or if it was just knowing that the love of his life was recovering from major surgery having been impaled, but no matter how exhausted Buck felt he struggled to fall asleep. The events of the day, from the panic attack to the fire to the waiting at the hospital for news, it was all so much, and soon regardless of how uncomfortable he had felt, Buck passed out at Eddie’s bedside. 

His dreams were restless, scary even. Millions of what-if scenarios spun around in his mind until they all blurred into the most common possibility, one where Buck wasn’t quick enough. Sometimes it was Christopher and the tsunami, sometimes it was Eddie and the Three-Alarm fire, but no matter who it was, Buck was never fast enough. He could never save them. It was always his fault. 

How Buck wished to be back at home, curled up with his boyfriend and the boy he loved like his own son on the couch as a movie played on tv. Christopher squished up between the both of them, a bowl of popcorn in his lap. Happy, healthy, giggling away at whatever Disney masterpiece he had chosen that time. Or maybe it would be another Star Wars marathon, where Buck would watch as Christopher stared in awe at Luke Skywalker like he did every single time they re-watched the movies. It never got old. Eddie would always end up more focused on Buck and Chris than the movie, one arm laying across the back of the couch where he would play with Buck’s hair. He could almost feel it, Eddie’s fingers carding through Buck’s curls, messing them up and smoothing them out over and over again so gently, so softly, so-

Buck jerked awake. He bolted upright, back protesting where he had been hunched over leaning on the edge of the hospital bed, using his folded arms as pillows. A hand was still in his hair. He looked and-

Eddie smiled at him, weak and tired with lidded eyes, but there all the same. 

“Hi,” he breathed out, so quiet, barely audible, but Buck heard it. He heard it and in an instant, he was on his feet, chair scraping against the floor behind him. He leaned in, hesitating just inches away for a brief moment, before Buck gently took Eddie’s face in his hands and kissed him with everything he had, passionate yet soft. Eddie responded, pushing into the kiss as much as he could.

Buck broke the kiss only when Eddie made a small hiss of pain. “What’s wrong?” He asked, “are you in pain? Do you need me to get a doctor or-” his worried words got cut off because Eddie’s hand fell from Buck’s hair to his neck and he pulled Buck back in for another kiss. 

“I just need you,” Eddie whispered, voice rough and quiet but it made Buck whine. He peppered kisses all around Eddie’s face - on his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, everywhere! - and tried his best to bite back the sob threatening to come to the surface but he couldn’t, he couldn’t. He tried but couldn’t. As sobs began to wrack his body, Buck borrowed his face into Eddie’s hospital gown and felt strong arms wrap their arms around his frame, quiet murmurs of “it’s okay” and “I’m here” reaching his ears. Mindful of the wires Eddie was still attached to, Buck sat down on the side of the bed and curled up as best as he could. 

“Eddie-” Buck choked out, face still buried in Eddie’s chest, the itchy texture of the hospital gown scratching his puffy cheeks. “I’m so sorry,”

“What?” Eddie said, nudging Buck until he pulled away and Eddie could look at him properly, but Buck didn’t meet his eyes. “Why are you sorry?”

“It’s all my fault! I should have been there,” Buck cried, scrubbing angrily at the tears falling down his cheeks. He didn’t dare look up, too afraid of what he would find. “I should have been there on the call with you, I-I should have had your back but I wasn’t there! I wasn’t there-” he bit his lip and turned away. Would Eddie try and convince him otherwise, try and shove the blame elsewhere when it was Buck’s to carry? Or would he be in agreement? Would he too blame Buck for getting trapped inside that burning building because Buck should have been on shift. He should have been there. Would Eddie be understanding, try and comfort Buck for making such a monumental mess of everything?

Or would Eddie hate him too?

A hand took a hold of Buck’s own, squeezing tightly, and it made Buck look up. Through the blur of tears he saw nothing but heartbreak in Eddie’s expression and that only made Buck sob more. “Evan, no ,” Eddie said, “no, baby, you saved us, you saved me.” Buck shook his head, over and over and over. He was lying, he was lying to him, it was all Buck’s fault. There was no one to blame but him. 

“I should have had your back, Eddie. I should have been on shift with you.” He should have been in his turn out gear inside that building, not wallowing in his self-loathing whilst hiding behind a dispatch screen. If he had gotten over himself sooner he would have been back at work already, he would have had Eddie’s back. His team wouldn’t have gone into the highrise without him. He was so worried about whether or not he could do his job that he didn’t stop to think that maybe people needed him to do his job. Maybe they needed him on shift, confidence or no confidence. He had a job, he had responsibilities to his team and he wasn’t there . He-

“I gave up in there.” 

Eddie’s words took Buck off guard, so much so that Buck actually did a double take and audibly gasped. Eddie’s expression had turned sad. He had looked away, head bowed in what Buk didn’t want to believe was shame. Buck squeezed the hand he was still holding and in return was met with an iron grip so tight that Buck felt something pop, but he didn’t care. 

“The explosion threw me back, there was this horrible pain in my side and I couldn't get up. I couldn’t move. The fire was getting worse. There was chaos over the radio. We were trapped inside, I couldn’t get up and I couldn’t find you and I just…” Eddie shook his head, “I just thought that was it. That was how I died. I wasn’t gonna get to see Chris again, or Abuela or Pepa or my parents. That was the end.”

Buck let out a guttural sob, one he couldn’t choke back. Was Eddie trying to make him feel worse? Was he trying to make Buck blame himself more? Well, it was working. Buck felt terrible. He wanted nothing more than to run, to leave the hospital and lock himself in his apartment, but he dared not move because Eddie’s hand in his own was his only tether and if he pulled away, Buck was certain he was going to collapse and there was already enough of his loved ones in the hospital he didn’t need-

“Then I heard you.” Buck looked up. Eddie was looking at him. He reached out and cupped Buck’s cheek and Buck couldn’t help but nuzzle into it. “I heard your voice on the radio. You took charge of everyone, got the fire under control. It was like an angel was speaking to me.” Eddie smiled. There were tears in his eyes. Buck reached up and brushed them away as they fell. “I heard your voice, and I got up. I got up because I realised you were there, and I needed to get up because I needed to get home, to you and Chris, because I had a reason to fight and get out of there.” Eddie’s hand fell from Buck’s cheek to his neck, firm and welcoming and just so right . “You saved me, Evan. You. Saved. Me.”

Buck kissed Eddie. It was filled with want and need and desperation but it was the only thing that stopped Buck from sobbing again. He didn’t believe a word of what Eddie had said but he was alive, he was alive and that was all that mattered. 

A knock on the door alerted the two of them to another presence and Buck jumped. It was just Dr. Rhodes, who apologised for disrupting them but came and did her check up on Eddie. Buck moved from the bed to the chair again, hand still in Eddie’s. He didn’t listen to anything the doctor said - Eddie seemed to be paying enough attention for the both of them - but the doctor looked happy with whatever Eddie was telling her. She leaned over to fiddle with the IV and checked on the stitches on Eddie’s side, but aside from that she left with a smile and a nod. 

Once Dr. Rhodes was gone, a silence came over the two of them. It wasn’t uncomfortable by any means, not awkward or hesitant. It was nice, calm. Eddie squeezed Buck’s hand again and when Buck looked at him, he was smiling sweetly. It was that smile that made Buck’s heart flutter every time he saw it, the one that made him smile back in exactly the same way.

“So, ‘ mi encanto ’?” Edie asked with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. Buck rolled his eyes. 

“I still don’t believe that you loving me isn’t the result of a spell or something. This still all feels like a dream to me,” he admitted, only half joking, as he reached to the side table next to the bed and grabbed his phone. 

“Marry me.” 

Buck froze. His phone slipped from his hand and he cursed and swiped it back up. It wasn’t broken, thankfully. He snapped his head around to look at Eddie again and saw him sheepishly grinning, 

“You don’t have to answer that. Not now. Not ever, actually. But Ev, baby, I want you to know,” Eddie leaned over and stroked Buck’s hair from his face. His touch was warm, comforting, welcome, “you’re it for me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Today, it… it put some things into perspective and I realised that we don’t have a promised tomorrow.” Shuffling on the bed, Eddie moved just the slightest bit closer to Buck and pulled until their foreheads came together. “I love you, more than I could possibly say. I want to marry you.”

“Eddie,” Buck’s tongue suddenly felt heavy. Words escaped him. It was honestly a dream come true, everything Buck had ever wanted but… “Eddie, I-I’m not… I do I-... I just- I need help.” His voice broke, the words he said were painful. 

“And that’s okay,” Eddie told him, not a single ounce of love or dedication disappearing from his eyes, “we can get you some help. It’s gonna be okay. I still love you.”

Eddie patted the bed next to him. Shuffling back the other way he made as much room as possible on the side without his stitches. Buck toed off his shoes and climbed onto the bed, the two of them squished up together as hospital beds really weren’t made for two six-foot tall men. They made it work, however, even if it meant that Eddie was almost laying on top of Buck, Buck’s arms wrapped around him protectively, his head buried in the crook of Buck’s neck. 

They had a lot they needed to talk about. There was a lot that needed to be done, for both of their sakes, but it could all wait until the morning.

Chapter Text

Things got worse before they got better. 

There were a lot of tears, a lot of rough patches, and a lot of times where Buck felt like it was all pointless, but he expected that. He knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, but he did it anyway, because he was doing it for himself. Going into therapy, he had been doing it for Eddie and Chris, but very quickly his therapist - Dr. Copeland, she was the most wonderful woman - had said very honestly that if he wasn’t doing it for him, then there was no point because Buck would only end up in the same place. And she was right, there had been a few setbacks before Buck got that in his head. Including a hostage situation at the dispatch on his day off. 

Eddie never left his side. Well, literally he did, but figuratively he was always there. Whether it be kissing him good morning, sending him a few texts throughout the day checking in with news from everyone, or facetiming on his twenty-four hour shifts, Eddie was a rock throughout everything. When Buck woke up feeling good, it made Eddie brighten like the sun. When he woke up feeling down, Eddie was there with a blanket and a distraction or just simply with a cuddle. When his new medication made Buck grumpy, or gave him headaches, or made Buck feel so much worse that he took out his frustration on Eddie, not once did the man complain. He just brushed it off and asked if there was anything he could do to help. 

Eddie Diaz was a saint, and Buck never would have gotten through the worst of it without him. 

The rest of the team were amazing. They tried not to hover too much because Buck had gotten annoyed after the first week and lashed out, and while he had regretted his words the moment they left his mouth, the others apologised and backed down. All except Maddie, but that was to be expected. Not much changed; the team sent texts all the time checking in on him, asking if he wanted to hang out after work or go and get lunch. They never questioned why sometimes he turned up at the firehouse looking like he had just crawled out of bed, eyes red and puffy, they just made him a cup of tea and a plate of food and asked if he wanted to play some Mario Kart. 

Work continued as it had been. The dispatch was still there and there were still calls to be answered. If Josh and Sue checked in on him a bit more than often, they didn’t make a fuss about it. Josh dragged him out for lunch often or sat in the break room with him gossiping about the latest. Sue even stopped scolding him for flirting with Eddie over the radio. (Though, to be fair, he had stopped flirting for a while in his depression. If anything, he saw relief fill Sue’s face when he asked Eddie what he was wearing on the radio in the middle of his shift). 

Buck hated calling it depression. That is what it was, what it is, it’s a depression and whether it’s temporary or permanent, Buck honestly didn’t know. He didn’t know if it was a disorder or just a rough patch but Dr. Copeland helped him to see that regardless, it was valid and important. She helped him to see a lot of things, and whilst they were going to go back to his childhood trauma another day, they were addressing the things that mattered the most. Such as Buck’s self-esteem issues, how he feels that he is only worthy of being loved if he gave and gave first, like he had to prove he was worth loving, worth keeping around. 

There wasn’t some instant fix. There was no bandaid that Buck could slap on and have all his issues disappear. No, it took time and a lot of work. It took time for Buck to feel comfortable turning to others about what he was going through, but when Buck asked Athena and Bobby to come to a therapy session with him, it was a step. It took time for him to realise he didn’t have to keep remembering because sometimes letting go was the better option, so when Buck gathered his family and together they burned his little black book of names, it was a step. It took time for Buck to build up his confidence to re-take his certifications again, but when he passed with flying colours like everyone had told him he would, it was a step. Some days those steps were backwards. Some days those steps were leaps forward. Some days those steps were off a cliff into an abyss of darkness. But they were steps. 

And no matter the step he took, Buck went home at the end of the day to the open arms of the kid he loved more than life itself. And when he hugged Christopher, when he cooked his dinner or helped with his homework or tucked him into bed, Buck used his sessions with Dr. Copeland to remember that he saved Christopher. He saved Christopher by being Buck. Not Firefighter Buckley, Buck. 

And that’s who Buck wanted to continue to be. 

“I’m looking for Evan Buckley,” came a voice across the dispatch floor. The person who said it hadn’t intended to get everyone's attention, but everyone working looked up. So did Buck. He had just finished a call and was about to accept the next one when he looked up from the monitors and all but scrambled to his feet, almost tearing the headset off. 

“Commissioner Rhea!” He practically exclaimed, standing to attention. His glasses slipped down his nose a little but he ignored them as the Commissioner of the Los Angeles Fire Department, along with her two officers, walked over to him from where she had been speaking with Sue. Commissioner Rhea was a tall woman with an imposing presence about her, made even more impressive with her perfect uniform and her hat under her arm, and whilst Buck’s height still made it so he had to look down at her to make eye contact, he still felt small underneath her gaze. 

“At ease, Buckley,” she said, and Buck relaxed just the slightest. “I’ve been looking for you for a while now.”

“Uh, y-you have, ma’am?”

“Yes. I came to thank you in person after the three-alarm fire downtown, but imagine my surprise when your captain told me you were no longer a firefighter.” Commissioner Rhea said with a raised eyebrow. Buck ducked his gaze a bit, “not that working Dispatch isn’t a very honourable job, I started off here before I joined the LAFD.”

“You did?” Her admission genuinely caught Buck off guard. 

“Yes. I was over in the north call centre, not this one here, but I started off in these offices back at eight-four.” Commissioner Rhea looked around with a pensive expression, nodding to herself. With a quiet kiss of her teeth, she grinned and looked back to Buck, who felt worry rising in his chest. Dr. Copeland had helped him to learn some techniques for managing his anxiety in situations where he couldn’t excuse himself, and one of those was rhythmically tapping his finger in a distinctive pattern. Buck’s pattern was the Fibonacci sequence up to twenty-one and back down again, not that he realised until he had gotten so used to doing it that anything else felt wrong. 

“But I’m not here to reminisce about the past,” Commissioner Rhea continued, and one of the officers with her handed her a small black box. “I am here to present you with this.”

Buck carefully accepted the box. It was a rectangle, no bigger than his palm, but on the top was the official LAFD logo embellished into the material. He slowly opened the box, the hinges clicking to hold the lid open as Buck’s eyes went wide and he gawked. 

A badge. An LAFD badge, along with two circular red pins that had single golden bugles on them. Buck ran his fingers along the shiny surfaces and glanced up at the Commissioner, who just nodded, smiling. 

“I know you are not an official firefighter anymore,” she said, “and as much as I want to see you back out there in the field sometime soon, this is in no way me trying to bribe you to come back to the LAFD. You earned this, not just for what you did during the three-alarm fire, but for your actions on and off duty since you joined us four years ago.” 

“I-I really don’t think I can accept this,” Buck tried, but Commissioner Rhea was having none of it. 

“Buckley, over the past few weeks I have received more recommendations for medals and promotions for one firefighter than I have in my entire career. I have four letters written to me by a nine-year-old who insists that his dad is a hero who saved multiple lives during the tsunami last year,” Buck chuckled lightly, “and hundreds of official requests that you be given not only the Distinguished Service medal, but also the Medal of Courage. Which the LAFD will be awarding you.”

Buck spluttered. He went to shake his head but the way Commissioner Rhea was looking at him, it was something he had only ever seen in Bobby’s eyes. Pride. 

“There will be an official ceremony for the medals at a later date. For now, I wanted to be the first person to officially thank you for everything you have done for the City of Los Angeles and its inhabitants.” The Commissioner stuck out her hand. Buck accepted it and shook it, thankful his palms hadn’t been sweating. 

“Thank you, Commissioner.” He said thickly, biting back as much emotion as he could to try and remain professional. The Commissioner nodded and pulled back her hand. 

“I hope to see you on duty soon,” she said, “ Lieutenant Buckley.” She spun on her heel and left with her officers before Buck could even stand to attention and salute her. Boot heels clacked on the linoleum floor and disappeared around the corner towards the elevators, and before Buck could even begin to process things, the world around him came flooding back to reality as the entire dispatch centre erupted into cheer. Maddie pulled him into a hug, Linda and Josh were clinging to his arms gushing over the new badge. 

Buck went straight to the firehouse after his shift, knowing that the team were on a twenty-four. When he told them, he didn’t expect to be given knowing looks and get a “who do you think kept recommending you?” from Bobby. 

It took Buck a little while longer to go back to work as a firefighter. It wasn’t just because he struggled with his confidence still, but because he had grown to love his job at the dispatch centre and wasn’t ready to let it go. Following Dr. Copeland’s advice, he talked to Bobby and Sue, and a plan came into motion between the three of them. Since Buck was going to be on light duty for his first few weeks back, just so he could get back into the swing of things at his own pace, they worked out a rota for both jobs which let Buck rejoin the 118 but continue to be a dispatcher. 

It was a testament as to how much Buck had grown, as Buck 1.0 wouldn’t have bothered to even try and ask. 

On the day of his first shift back, Buck woke up in a bundle of nerves and he nearly backed out, but the way Christopher and Eddie had been so proud of him, how Carla had come over early just to make Buck his favourite breakfast before work, how Eddie had kissed his cheek as the washed up before work and promised to be there with him it made him want to go through with it. They bid Christopher and Carla goodbye, climbed into the truck and drove to work, hands clasped the whole ride. 

That was how Buck found himself in the locker room, adjusting the collar of his new uniform, smoothing down the little embroidered bugles that sat there. He looked odd, but he liked it, and the vinyl lieutenant's badge that sat on his left breast was just as shiny as the actual thing. 

Buck moved his hands to remove a ring - his engagement ring - off of his left ring finger. That had become official only recently; Eddie had been so proud of him for deciding to come back to work that he asked again, and Buck knew he had been about to reassure him that it was okay to say no if he still wasn’t ready when Buck had interrupted and said yes. The ring went on a chain, a simple gold chain with a tiny circular pendant that had his initials on one side and the phrase “just keep swimming” on the other. Christopher’s idea. As if Buck couldn’t love him any more.

Two hands snaked around his waist and a face burrowed itself into the back of Buck’s shoulder. “Are you ready, querido?” his fiancé asked. Buck nodded. He clipped his chain on and tucked it under his shirt for safe keeping, then turned around and pressed a sweet kiss to Eddie’s lips. 

“Everyone upstairs?” 

“Yup!”

“Is there a surprise party?”

“Duh.” Buck chuckled. Eddie smiled, kissed Buck again, then closed Buck’s locker for him before they walked out of the locker room, arms still wrapped around each other. With Eddie pressed up against his side, it felt easier to walk up the stairs to the loft. 

He tried to act surprised when the entire firehouse yelled out “SURPRISE!” and threw confetti in the air, a big banner that read “WELCOME BACK LIEUTENANT!” hung up above them. Maddie was there too, so was Athena and Karen, and on the phone Maddie was holding was a video call from dispatch. Hugs were shared and well wishes given, Athena kissed his cheek, and dispatch gave their love before they all went back to work and ended the call. There was a cake and plates of food, and Buck found he couldn’t walk two steps without someone coming up to congratulate him and welcome him back. Bobby had stolen him away from a few moments to shake his hand and formally congratulate him on his promotion and on the medals, before he hugged Buck so tightly he could have sworn he felt his back pop.

It was as if he had never left. It felt strange, how Buck had spent months panicking over coming back to work, over how things would have changed between them all, only to find out that nothing had changed at all, that they still all welcomed him with open arms and a pat on the back. 

And, Buck thought to himself, he was very happy it was that way. 

As time passed Maddie had to get to her shift and Athena had to get back to patrol. Karen left at the same time and though the others all stuck around since the chores at the house were all done, the little party wound down until it was just the A-shift sitting around eating and sharing all Buck had missed. Apparently Chim had to help a man who superglued his hands to his penis last week. “He claimed he mistook it for lube but I don’t know how you mess that up,” Chim told him as Buck laughed more than he had in months. 

Footsteps echoed on the stairs and it drew everyone’s attention. Up a woman came running, short with tanned skin and dark hair pulled back in two tight french braids. She was wearing an LAFD uniform and waved to everyone. “Sorry I’m late!” she announced and Buck paused. He recognised that voice, “Command said I had to fill out some paperwork this morning.”

“You’re good, Mira,” Bobby told her, waving the firefighter over before he turned to Buck. “Buck, meet-”

“Mirabel Guzman with the 145,” Buck finished, blinking and gaping like a goldfish before he got up from the couch and held out a hand for Guzman to shake. 

“I… didn’t think you’d recognise me, sir,” she said as she shook Buck’s hand, “and that’s formerly of the 145,” she smiled proudly, “I am the new firefighter on B-shift here at the 118, though for the next few weeks I will be standing in for A-shift whilst their new lieutenant is on light duty.”

“I see Command got my recommendations,” Buck remarked, letting go of Guzman’s hand. 

“Yes they did, sir, and I wanted to thank you. Not just for that, but for everything you did that day,” Buck’s brow furrowed and he went to brush off her thanks as it was really nothing, but Guzman continued. “My sister Isabel is a firefighter over at the 96. We’re twins. We’ve done everything together our whole lives. Being firefighters at different firehouses is the first thing we’ve ever done apart, and I nearly lost her inside that highrise.” There were tears forming in the corner of Guzman’s eyes at her words, and Buck had to swallow the lump that formed in his throat. “Thank you, for saving my sister. For saving everyone.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you, Guzman,” Buck said. He reached out and bumped her shoulder with his fist, “welcome to the 118.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant Buckley.” 

“Call me Buck.”

Above them, the alarms blared to life. Everyone was on their feet in seconds, running to the stairs and down to get their gear on as dispatch rattled off the details of the call. Eddie stopped to bump his shoulder before he sped off. A hand came to land on Buck’s shoulder and when he looked up, Bobby was there. 

“You ready?” He asked. Buck nodded. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” he replied. Buck followed Bobby down the stairs, grabbed on his turnout gear and climbed into the truck, throwing on the headset as the truck began to roll out. Next to him, Eddie slipped his hand into Buck’s and squeezed. Hen and Chim gave him glances, just making sure he was doing okay. 

Buck was okay. He could do this. 

He was ready.