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Cartman was just walking down the Elementary School halls, having a good time! Clyde AllegedHottestBoyInSchool Donovan did not have to have his jacket wide open like that, what if some gaywad... ran his finger down those pecs... Clyde's pretty soft, does he even have pecs? It wouldn't be hard to find out... Would he be able to feel them? Cartman shook his head, scowled, and pushed him down in an effort to beat the bell. He was already on thin ice avoiding redoing the entire 6th grade, and Clyde was not going to get to class before him.

Science is boring as shit so Cartman's mind darts back and forth between all the guys in school. Click, click, click! the pieces fell in place in a really obvious way. Guys are hot as balls... literally, he supposes. And if guys are hot as balls, who even needs girls, huh? It's that simple! Cartman spent the rest of the class in planning.

Lunch. Cartman packed a lunch today because cafeteria food sucks ever since Chef died way back. He slid into the bench uncomfortably far into Kenny's personal space and flung his arms out wildly. "Girls! Who needs 'em, amirite?"

Kyle frowned and replied "You're not over Heidi yet? Who even cares, lardwad."

"I'm not a lardwad! That's so homophobic! I'm gay, Kyle." Cartman leaned across the table and flashed his most disconcerting smile. Kyle was in fact disconcerted, but for reasons he connected all by himself.

Kyle had got himself thinking about Heidi since he said her name, and Cartman... had... pretended to be gay with him. Or, not pretended. When Cartman slid up to him, Kyle leaned back. He lost his balance and fell on the floor. "Sick!" he shouted for the whole cafeteria to hear. No one batted an eyelash- they're all used to this 'banter'. "No guy will date you ever, and now you're a lardwad and a gaywad, dickwad." he prattled as Stan offered him a hand back up.

"Teehee!" a voice came from behind Cartman. Cupid Me continued, "There is a middle ground, you don't hafta like only guys or girls!"

This sentiment only earned the cherub a death glare from Cartman. Cartman had learned better than to loudly debate him during school, and he had to yell at Kyle some more. "You think I'd date a dirty Jew just cause I'm totally super gay? That's so narrow-minded, Kyle! I'm disappointed!"

Stan stared deeply into his absolutely fascinating sandwich as some teacher approached and slapped both his hands on their table. "Care to explain why you're shouting so loudly I can hear you in the teacher's lounge?"

Perfect. Cartman looked mournfully into the teacher's eyes and whimpered "Kyle here is being homophobic to me... I'm super gay, see, and he's calling me slurs!" His eyes watered convincingly as Kyle stammered helplessly.

Kyle got coherent words out of his mouth eventually, "He's not gay! He's a gaywad and totally faking!"

Stan's eyes bored holes into the whole wheat crust of his turkey sandwich with mustard but no mayo, but managed to say "You're digging your own grave." No one could tell Kenny's opinion of the situation.

Yes, Kyle did get detention. He got detention for a whole week, and his parents were very disappointed in him for making his dear friend's coming out unpleasant. They made him apologize to Cartman (because they never do learn) and Cartman ate it all up. He came out to his mom as soon as he got home and convinced her to buy him a rainbow flag, which he wore like a cape to school the next day.

He sat next to Butters in homeroom, and Butters recognized the flag. "Eric! I didn't know you were gay! You know, I'm bicurious myself." he looked really proud of himself for a minute.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Just admit you're gay like me, Butters. Only goddamn pussies like girls!"

Butters blinked a couple of times, processing this new information. "So, only girls should like other girls?"

Click, click, click, Cartman realized that was perfect. "Exactly Butters! People should stick to their own kind. This disgusting cross-gender dating is leading to the downfall of America!" He flicked his rainbow cape gayly.

Butters nodded enthusiastically, eating Cartman's ridiculous sentiment right up. When Stan walked in with Wendy in hand, Butters turned to face them. The two had been dating each other for the past 3 months, almost a record for the two of them. Cartman tutted, and Butters joined in like the follower he is. "You two are so straight, it's sick!" Butters accused, to the delight of Cartman. It's always nice when Butters acts so predictably.

Wendy looked shocked, and Stan stared daggers into Cartman's soul. "What the hell did you tell him, fat bastard."

Before Cartman could reply, however, Kyle walked in and immediately took a seat at the opposite side of the room. When he caught sight of the flamboyant cape, he groaned and planted his face on his desk. "You're not stopping, huh."

Everyone else walked in right before the bell, and a couple of background kids no one cares about acknowledged the flag positively. Craig and Tweek knew better than to ever interact with Cartman, especially while he's doing something intentionally divisive. Cartman spent the rest of the day considering what to do with his newfound deeply-held beliefs and taking every opportunity to call the "hets" a menace to society, much to the confusion of everyone except Butters. After school, he knew he had to talk to the only lesbian he knew.

Stan opened the door when Cartman knocked and looked testy when he demanded a reason for his presence. "I'm here for your sister, actually. Is Shelly home?"

Stan rolled his eyes and would have closed the door if Cartman hadn't taken the opportunity to lean against the doorframe. "Fine. Come in." Stan replied, apparently answering a different question than Cartman asked. Cartman did come in and went straight to Shelly's bedroom.

Shelly opened her door and looked down at the younger boy. "What's up, turd?" she greeted in good spirits.

Cartman got straight to the point. "You're a raging lesbian, right? I need advice."

"Uh... I have a girlfriend, but I'm bisexual." the Sophomore countered, expression souring. "Stan mentioned you're gay, I think, is that why you're here?"

"Yep!" he replied jovially, ignoring the entire pansexual comment. "Straight people are a menace. Can you help me think of ways to get rid of them?"

"Ahh, you're a Heterophobic and Proud type, eh? Well, my turd brother's straight, so I don't think getting rid of them is quite the solution. Sorry, turd."

"So, you're thinking conversion, not crucifixion. I think I agree. Thanks!" Cartman spun around and walked away before Shelly could respond. Hopefully she hadn't just been signed up for some Cartman Nonsense™.

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Cartman was quiet for the rest of the week, barring his rainbow cape, which only served to agitate those who knew he was up to something.

He finally made a move that Monday. All the students in the lunchroom watched him stand up on his seat, and all immediately tried to distract themselves and pretend they were not feeding his ego. He stepped up onto the table, and Stan and Kyle exchanged looks.

"Good morning everyone! The first Gay Alliance club meeting is tomorrow after school!" (The teacher had told him to pick a more inclusive name, but he ignored her- obviously) "If you don't go, you're a terrible, homophobic monster and should be prepared to say so to Tweek's beautiful face." Tweek started vibrating at unprecedented frequencies at his mention. Anger? Anxiety? Confusion? Too much coffee? Cartman didn't know or care. 

All Tuesday, Cartman advertised his club. The meeting was that afternoon, and he wanted as large a crowd as possible for such a short amount of time. (Yes, it had to be that afternoon, because Kyle had a basketball game so he couldn't crash it) By the time he sat down at his table, the other three had been discussing something. Stan eyed him as he sat next to Kenny.

Stan rested his cheek on his knuckles and spoke. "Cartman, Wendy's going to your club. Be civil!"

Well, as large a crowd as possible includes that heifer, unfortunately. "You're not? I thought you cared about your girlfriend. Maybe you should break up and"

"Careful, Cartman!" Stan interrupted, "You never know who might be trans, which would change the nature of their relationship."

Kyle looked at him with concern and cut in. "Stan's going to my Basketball game. I'm sure the conflict's not lost on you?"

Ha ha! Does he even realize how gay that sounded? No actually, there is no heterosexual explanation for that outburst. Even Cupid Me fluttered down between the two and winked. "Well, Wendy's some beard. You don't have to pretend Kyle's a chick to kiss him! Of course, if one of you is gonna be the chick,"

"Shut up, Cartman!" Kyle slammed his hands on the table.

Stan's head fell off his knuckles and he faceplanted on the table. "That's not what I meant at all!" he groaned. "I'm trying to come out as genderfluid, asshole. Sometimes I'm a girl, which makes Wendy and me lesbians sometimes."

Cartman scoffed. "You can't just pretend to be a girl to pretend that your relationship is gay. Wendy's uninvited until you two can stop disrespecting us real gay people!"

Kenny and Kyle sighed and gave Stan a pair of "I-told-you-so" looks. Stan just rolled their eyes and ate their sandwich.

Cartman had been hoping for some big show of support! The attendance at this club was so sparse! The crowd was both Annies, Red, Corey Lanskin, Clyde, Ike (interesting...), Wendy (annoyingly), that tiny goth kid, and, absolutely out of nowhere, Tweek Goddamn Tweak. Not even Craig, just the blond weirdo sitting with his hands in his lap and a stern gaze occasionally interrupted by an eye twitch or a tiny noise.

A little disconcerted but not dissuaded, Cartman strode to the front of the room and swished his cape. "Okay! You all are here, hopefully, because you recognize that gay people are the superior race! Or... whatever." as he started, he kinda realized that didn't make sense, but shook it off and continued. "I am open to ideas to show support and positivity to the gay community, but the big thing is in a few weeks, I want to arrange a hearing with our Governor to get a law passed."

He was vague enough that he hopes the idea didn't scare anyone off, and it's true that no one got up just yet, but Red raised her hand and spoke up before anyone acknowledged her. "What's your deal with monosexuality, huh? Me and Annie Bananie," she slung an arm around the curly blonde Annie, "are pan. We're welcome here, right?"

Her voice had an edge to it, so Cartman knew he had to tread lightly to maintain them without giving in to their nonsense. He answered, "Cross-gender dating is a plague. I don't care how you 'identify' or whatever, just stop dating the other gender!" which didn't seem to satisfy them, but they didn't get up to leave.

Wendy and Corey did, but after some deliberation, Corey sat back down. He liked Cartman as much as anyone (not a whole bunch), but respected Cartman's hustling abilities and wanted to see where he takes this.

Wendy was right out. Bitch!

Cartman glared her out of the room before pulling out the wheelie whiteboard and testing all the markers by drawing a rainbow in the corner. Then he wrote some bullet points, and filled the bottom one with 'government thing'. He turned to the crowd and pointed to them. "Let's spitball things we could do! We can do small things too, like posters!" Ah, outsourcing the details of his plans. He's a genius.

Before anyone answered, Craig poked his head in and raised an eyebrow at Tweek, who broke concentration to look back at him. Cartman paused and glanced between them as Craig knelt beside Tweek and whispered something that Tweek didn't like.

The fidgety kid, not one to whisper, tried his best and responded in a loud whisper "I know what I'm doing! I'll be okay, love, I (nng) I promise." Craig looked thoroughly unconvinced, so he took a chair up to sit beside him. y'know, like a helicopter. Idk, pretty toxic. Time to place bets, when'll they break up?

Oh actually, bets off, Cartman needs them! Perfect idyllic gay relationship looks nice next to strong argument. "Welcome to the club, Craig, wanna help us make posters?"

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