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We all take a swig from the vial, passing it around the circle and prepping for the game. Veritaserum or dare had been a marauder tradition, for most a spectators sport, every Thursday night in Gryffindor tower. You had to be a close friend of theirs to be able to stay and watch, which was entertaining.
The first time Id been invited to stick around, we found out Peter has an incredibly impressive elephant impression, and Sirius was forced to do a handstand for 3 rounds (to most of the spectators enjoyment, his shirt being removed so it didn't hang in his face and his jeans riding a bit low on his hips), and Marlene was discovered to have kissed 2 boys and 6 girls. To be invited to play a round was considered a huge honor, one my friend Dorcas was granted two weeks ago. Tonight, James Potter reached out with a personal invitation for the game after years of being his friend. He claimed that veritaserum and dare could be dangerous, and he needed to prove that i "wouldn't rat or run off like a baby". Apparently, hexing one Severus Snape was enough to justify my spot in the circle.
Like every Thursday, Lily and Mary as well as James and Sirius go head to head with a coin toss, the winner of each going for the last toss to see who gets the first spin. Lily is triumphant for the 3rd time this month, eloquently spinning the bottle so it lands on Remus, my first friend of the group. He safely chooses dare, being asked to flirt with one of the communal pillows for the next 5 rounds. He does so with a smile, holding the cushion tenderly and stroking his fingers down the side of it, using his best pick up lines. It was incredibly hilarious, all of us appreciating how good of a sport Remus always was during these things. He spins the bottle to land on James (only after "whispering" a sexual innuendo to his pillow lover), who chooses veritaserum.
"Have you ever walked in on a shag? And who was it?"
"Ugh, too many times. Last time was Regulus and Cephas Burke." He says, the group shouting about the coupling.
Round after round go by, my very first dare being to smell everyone's feet and rank them in order of freshness (Surprisingly, Peter Pettigrew is killer at pedi-hygiene, and I pity anyone who goes near James Potters). It was odd to say the least, but after watching Lily have to eat a piece of treacle tart found under a couch cushion, I was thankful for the milder punishment on my nose.
It's Mary's turn, and she spins the old butterbeer bottle to see who her victim will be. The shining green edge begins to settle, sitting between myself and Sirius Black, eventually getting the last pop and choosing me as the next to reveal a secret.
"Awesome! Y/n, where do you keep your diary?" She laughs, the others oohing at us. As the clock struck 6pm, the group all together had to answer the same truth question pulled from Lily's paperboy cap in the middle-this weeks being if we had a diary of any kind (Marlene is the only one who didn't).
"Bottom drawer of my dresser, under a fake bottom." I blurt out, regretting accepting the invitation to the game as Dorcas pushes her way up the stairs, begging to bring it down.
In seconds, she's come back, holding the tan leather bound journal in hand. I regretted not putting a locking spell on it, though they could just ask for the password anyways. She holds it out in front of the group, taunting me by barely pulling at the string wrapped around it. After she's gained sufficient laughter, she opens it and begins to read a random entry.
"I love all of your little things. I think about joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks." She reads, laughing and passing the journal onto Marlene next to her.
"I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile," passes it to James.
"or your stomach, or your thighs." Then to Peter.
"You can't go to bed without a cup of tea. Maybe that's the reason that you talk in your sleep." He gushes, laughing along with the group. Sirius grabs it, standing up so I can't pull it from his hands.
"I know you never loved the sound of your voice on tape, and you never want to know how much you weigh." Lily snatches it from the other side of the circle after Sirius reads.
"And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep. Oooh!" She laughs, passing the journal onto Remus. My cheeks are fiery hot with blush, tears are brimming as his calloused fingers take the book from her, laughing along.
"But I love them endlessly, because they all add up to you." He says in a joking tone, sing-songy to mock the love poured out on the page as he leans in close to my face. He continues. "Every freckle, vein, and..." he lowers his voice to a whisper, looking up to me. "...and scar."
I rip the book from his hands, tying the band around it sloppily through the anger and fear. Remus's eyes are stuck to me like glue, and if I were brave enough to face him, I might find out some kind of expression.
"Uh oh. What did Mr.Moony find! Who’s it about, y/n?" Sirius taunts.
"Its ab-"
Remus holds his hand over my mouth, yelling a string of loud curse words to cover my voice. This is either very protective or he's too embarrassed to let everyone else figure it out. He keeps his hand steady in spot after i've finished speaking, everyone else staring in silence a bit after his outburst.
"That's a bit private, don't you think, Pads? She's already had to sit here and let us all read it." His tone has calmed as he becomes explanatory, slowly peeling his arm from my face and replacing it with his fierce gaze once again.
"We didn't get to hear the last of it. Do you remember what it says, y/n?" Sirius leans in close to my face, breathing the question right onto my skin, knowing my lips will fall open with my answer.
"Yes."
"What does it say!" Mary laughs, Marlene and Dorcas holding onto her as they too indulge in the humor of the situation once again.
"You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you, and you'll never treat yourself right darling, but I want you to." I stand with the journal. "I'm going to my room."
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I read over the entry again, now tainted with my friends taunting voices, tainted with everyone's knowledge. Especially Remus. Of all the lines he could have gotten the book for, it was that one. Of course it was that one. A knock comes at the door that I was propped against, startling me.
"Y/n? It's Lily."
I don't say anything to her through the wood, choosing to stand and crack it open just enough to get a peek. The other girls are behind her, too, and they join together to force the door open more. Fighting back is useless, I just curl up on the bed, pulling my journal with me and keeping a firm grasp on it. They crowd around my four poster, no one quite knowing where to start. Marlene kicks Mary (in an effort to be subtle about it, she goes low, towards her ankles, but ends up hitting one of the bed posts a bit), and it's decided she's to start.
"We're really sorry, y/n. Im-Im really sorry. I didn't know it was going to be that, I thought it would be some embarrassing secret or adventure or something."
Again, I stay silent, wrapping and unwrapping the journal continuously. I refuse to meet their eyes, even when Lily sits on the bed with a hand on my knee.
"It was poor judgment, we shouldn't have read it outloud or passed it around like that."
"Can you ever forgive us?" Dorcas asks, walking around to join Lily.
"It's not like it even said who it was about!" Mary blurted out, receiving another hit from Marlene.
"That doesn't matter, Macdonald! It was private."
They all end up crowding around me, putting a comforting hand on my shoulders or legs or hair. Trying their best, but I'm still extremely hurt by their actions. After sitting in silence for 10 minutes or so, the girls give a final apology and explain they are heading to dinner. I close the curtains around me and listen for them to leave before hiding the diary in a new spot, heading down quietly to the common room to gather my things I'd left behind.
It doesn't take long, just a few textbooks and my sweater. I chose to sit on the couch a minute while the others ate their meal, still not really wanting to surround myself with the group right now. The fire was especially warm, relaxing me till I end up closing my eyes in the quiet, listening to the quiet breeze of the tower without students talking around me. This only lasts a moment as the cushion next to me sinks down, my curiosity piquing.
Remus.
Of course.
He crosses his hands in his lap as he sits next to me, looking from me to the floor and back. I pick up my items from the ground and try to head back to my dorm, not wanting to face this rejection at the moment, not wanting this awkwardness to carry.
"Dont go. Not yet, please." He says quietly, reaching out so his fingers just barely graze against my skin. I freeze, but don't dare look at him or join him again. "Come on, y/n. Sit back down."
It's like his voice is the embodiment of the imperious curse, like I had no choice but to follow his request. I sit my things in my lap, back straight up and tensed, trying to sit as far away from him as the small amount of room on the sofa would allow. He scoots a bit closer anyways. I can feel him thinking hard about what to say.
"Sorry you read that." I mumble, starting the conversation for him. He sighs, or maybe just lets out a single laugh.
"Why are you apologizing to me? It should be the other way around."
Silence again. I can feel him looking at me, studying my face like I'd done his many times. Now he knows I've done it many times. Heat rises to my cheeks again at the realization, and Remus lightly snickers.
"Please don't laugh at me."
My voice is incredibly soft, verging on tears again through the whisper. Remus immediately stops any noise, inching just a bit closer to me again. I tense up even more, as if it were possible, and feel the first tear of probably many to come slide down my face. I try to keep my breathing even, though, not wanting to let on too much about how silly I was being. I'm sure everyone else thought I was overreacting. Mary surely did, she didn't realize that just a couple words made it so obvious who I wrote about. Remus reaches over, swiping the drop off of my cheek. My eyes take it as an invitation to let out more, though these don't get cleared. His hands have drifted to my neck, tapping some spots and slowly dragging over to another, tapping it again and dragging to a new spot, and again.
"What are you doing?" I ask, wiping my own face so I could see.
"Connecting your freckles." He whispers back, not letting his movement waver.
"Dont." He pulls his hand from my skin and I shudder again. "Don't do that. Just forget you ever read or heard anything, okay?"
"Y/n." He says, holding onto my arm before I get the chance to leave again. "It's charming, you know. I never realized how much you kept notice of."
"Remus, please don't do this."
"No, no. Really, it's sweet. I think I told you one time that I have tea every night before bed. And the thing about my voice, and smile, and everything."
"I really don't feel like doing this right now."
"Not to mention how nice the writing itself was. Its like po-"
"Damnit, Remus. Can't you just let it go? I'm sorry if it made you feel embarrassed or if all of this is too awkward for you. You don't have to talk about it, though, okay? Its stupid, it shouldnt have happened."
I fight through the spilling tears, my voice still fairly quiet but more angry than anything. His hand is still on my arm, keeping me in my spot, though I suppose I could overpower a single hand if I really needed to go. I just turn my head over my shoulder, keeping myself as distanced as possible. His hand reaches up to my chin, turning me back to face him. I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to look at him, unable to stop the fucking crying.
"Youre so stupid, do you know that?"
"That's really bloody helpful."
"Fucking hell, y/n. You have dimples at the bottom of your spine that you hate. One of your teeth? Just a bit crooked, and you try to hide it when you smile in pictures. You talk really fast and loud when you're excited and you can't sleep without that creepy bear with the freaky eyes." He wipes more of the falling droplets off of my face. "And no matter how...terrifying...that animal is, its adorable. All of you, every little thing, i'm in love with it all, y/n. Now would you please look at me?"
I shake my head no, keeping my eyes shut and sitting still. Remus sighs, pulling his hands off of me, but I can feel his gaze still there. I'm frozen in place, even if I wanted to, to run or to look at him or something, I'm stuck. I feel him move closer to me, leaving probably a centimeter between our legs. His arm creeps back up again, around the back of my head, pulling me to lay on his shoulder. I want to leave, I can't stand this.
"I know the veritaserum has worn off by now, but I'm not lying to you. There's no reason for you to be ashamed."
I sniffle, my tears finally coming to an end while he rubs up and down my arm. As much as I don't want to take comfort in it, especially from him, especially after today, it's like he's a miracle worker. He laughs lightly at me again, resting his head on top of mine and assures me some more.
"Don't be embarrassed. You cant help it that you have bad taste in men." Remus jokes, laughing at his own comment more than I ever could. "Come on, please dont feel weird about it? I don't think the others have figured it out anyways, I got lucky with my line."
"Lucky isn't the word I would choose."
"There's that pretty voice. So much nicer when you're not yelling at me, in case you were curious." I laugh just a little bit, feeling Remus laugh with me. He shakes my head off of his shoulder, wiping any remnants of my tears and smiling at me. "Much better. Are you mad at me?"
"...a bit."
"If anyone bothers you about it, let me know, okay?" He says, smiling at my nod before standing up. "Dinner, yeah? I hear you'd like me to start taking better care of myself."
"You're never going to let me live this down, are you?"
"Wouldn't dream of it, darling. And i'm sort of hoping this won't be the last time you let me accompany you to dinner, maybe a more private one some time."
I don't understand how he can be so okay with making a move on me in this state. Not that it's bad, just a poor image of me I think. I'm too busy cleaning dripping snot from my face on my sweater, who would look at that and think it's a good time to ask them out? Anyways, we walk side by side to dinner, Remus making fun of me more on the walk.
"You know, maybe you should give me your dinner tonight, too. With my stomach, and all. Shit, dunno what I'd do if there were a scale."
"Will you please shut up? I'm begging you."
"Oh, I bet you think about begging me a lot, don't you?"
"Oh my god!" I yell, slapping his arm hard as he cackles. "You're disgusting."
"You didn't deny it." He leans in to whisper in my ear, lips practically on the lobe. "I can be much more disgusting than that, just say the word." He pulls back up with a wink and I once again return to physical violence, kicking his shin hard. "Ouch! Hey- for someone that looooves me, you sure do like inflicting pain. But, just between us, so do I.'' Remus murmurs the last bit in my ear again, making me flustered.
"Merlin, save it for your pillow."
We reach the great hall, thankfully, and he opens the door for me like a perfect gentleman, as if he weren't whispering raunchy things to me just seconds prior. We sit next to each other and James takes on his mother hen role, ensuring both of us have a plate full from edge to edge, apologizing to me on behalf of the group as he spoons mash onto the porcelain. I assure him it's fine, which Sirius takes as an invitation to dig for more clues of the "mystery" man. Remus can't help himself but to chuckle at my vague responses and refusals.
"Come on! A hint! How tall is he?"
"Mmm, somewhere between 4'11 and 11'4."
"What house is he in?"
"Well, I'm not sure exactly, but I'd guess it has a bed, and a kitchen. Bathroom probably."
"HOGWARTS HOUSE YOU CABBAGE!"
"Oh! Hint: it has 3 syllables."
"Hufflepuff! Wait, ravenclaw has 3 too. And slytherin. And gry- HEY!" After Sirius was sufficiently pissed at me, the rest of the group finished dinner and headed back to the common room together, no hard feelings left to be had.
"Hey, listen-" Remus stops me, over in the corner of the common room while the rest of our friends are distracted by an intense Marlene-Peter-Chess match, "- I know i was messing with you in the hall earlier, but I meant it about taking you out sometime. Maybe I'll even let you connect my freckles."
"See, you go and sound so sweet, and in an instant ruin such a beautiful moment by making fun of me all over again." I say back, shaking my head at him. "Honestly, Lupin. Have you ever considered being kind and gentle occasionally?"
"Nah, I'd rather like it quite rough." He winks again, laughing at his own joke once more and trying to get me to. "I'm sorry, but you have to stop opening the door for it. I'm a man with little self control."
"Too bad, I rather like a man to take control." I hit back, seeing him smirk at me. I was a bit smug about it, perfect timing and all, playing his own game.
"That’s how it's going to be?" I nod, biting my lip so slightly. "You make it really hard not to snog you right here in front of everybody. Teach you something about taking control..."
"What's stopping you?"
My heart is racing now, I'd wondered if he noticed. I looked over to the rest of our friends, still enthralled with the shrapnel of Peter's win to worry about us in the corner. Remus looks too, turning back to me around the same time I do him. He leans against the wall with a sigh, lazily letting gravity take hold so that he drifts from his shoulder settled against the stone to his back, gliding down the wall till he's sitting. He motions for me to join him on the floor.
"Good girl, I like 'em obedient." He jokes again, noting my rolling eyes and turning back to my actual question. "Mm, I don't kiss on the first date, much less before. And I figured you'd want to keep it secret for a while and string Pads along some more, I'd want you to be the one to open up about it if we go out." He turns his head to look at mine with a smile, his genuineness dropping some with his toothy smile. "You'll have to wait a bit longer to find out what a good kisser I am, princess. Im sure your diary would love to hear all about your expectations though."
"I can't stand you." I giggle a little, the noise fading so it's just us looking at each other in silence for a moment. "Hogsmeade weekend coming up...."
"Sure is."
"Something you want to ask me?"
"Something you want to ask me?" He mocks, an open grin following. "Dress nice, I hear there's a guy just dying to take you on a date. You can tell that diary of yours how sweet and caring he is afterwards. Maybe in another poem, yeah?”