Chapter Text
I have to do it. I have to go confront Nevaj. It's been stressing me beyond belief lately. Things have settled enough, right?
Fuck it.
Thank the gods he invited me over for dinner tonight. That should make this easier. Now I can confront him in the privacy of his own home.
I rap my knuckles on the door. His mom answers.
"Hello Prince Daah!" She curtsies. "Welcome to our home." Always so formal. I always thought of them as family, but they always treat me like I'm not.
"Nice to see you again," I say, smiling politely.
I pause after I enter to remove my sandals. The plush carpet soothes my aching feet. Ms. Arunin walks ahead to the dining room. I follow a respectful distance behind.
I sit down in my usual seat, next to Nevaj and across from his brother. We all exchange greetings, as per usual. The servants bring out the first course and we start dining.
"So, your highness-" I try not to wince at the sincere use of the formal title -"how is your father doing?"
"He's doing better than he was." The night goes on and the conversation ebbs and flows, but nothing too serious is discussed.
After dinner Me and Nevaj retreat to the den while the others sort themselves out.
The silence surrounded us. Ruining any chance I had of starting the conversation I wanted—no—needed to have. So many words floating just out of reach. I choked on even the most meaningless small talk phrases.
I jumped, sharp pain jolting in my arm. I'm sure I had been scratching up and down my arm again. Probably ripped open a scab. My mother would kill me if she saw me do it. "It is not proper for royalty to fidget, Rarz." Her voice echoed through my head. My fingers laced together, I planted my feet firmly flat on the floor.
Sitting up straighter, I stretched out my back. Looking forward, my eyes will not meet his, no matter how much my Mother's voice screamed in my head.
Pathetic. That's what I am. I can't even sit still and look my best friend in the eyes. I'm next in line for the throne for Allceater's sake.
Please say something. Anything. Just speak. Break the silence. I am not sure if I am pleading with myself or Nevaj, but nonetheless I hope.
As if he could hear my unspoken wish, Nevaj chose then to speak. "This is awkward."
I nodded, still at a loss of what to say.
"Perhaps we should head to my bedroom, it is a less formal space. It could help the conversation, make it less pressuring?"
"I suppose we could." Words finally decided to grace me with their presence it seems, even if they feel forced. Involuntarily shaking my head, I continue, "But would your parents accept it? I know they prefer me to only see the formal spaces. Good impressions and whatnot."
"I knew you'd say that," he chuckles, finally relaxing a bit, "my parents gave me their seal of approval, not that I would listen anyway. You saw the state the study is in."
"That's true, should we head back now, then?" the words finding their way out with ease now. "Or would you prefer to remain in an awkward silence? Your choice." It had been too long since I last truly smiled.
"Oh no, it's your choice, your highness." He rolled his eyes, voice laced with sarcasm, grinning like an idiot. "Let's go."
Walking down the hollow hall, each footstep sounded a dozen times with nothing to stop the sound.
Entering the familiar room, it was clearly more disheveled than his parents would allow. He must have planned this if he cleaned his room then ruined it. All the better.
A soft sigh caught my attention. He'd immediately propped himself up on the bed, and surrounded himself with blankets. I've no idea how he can get so comfortable so quickly. I chose to lay down on the floor. Is there a perfectly fine sofa? Yes. Could I have joined him on the bed if I wanted to? Probably. But the floor always had a certain appeal. I've yet to find a problem that laying on the floor has not helped, at the very least.
"So, anything you want to talk about?"
I suppose it's as good a time as any, I have to go through with it now, I can do it, "I-I was wondering... I was wondering why you started-why you started acting a lot more formal and stiff around me...when everything went wrong?" Stuttering. How graceful of me.
He went oddly silent, crossing his arms and curling up a little bit. I knew I shouldn't have brought it up. Just as we were reaching some semblance of normal. Did he take it as criticism? "I apologize for any partial judgm—"
He cut me off, "My mom had lectured me on how I should exploit our friendship to benefit my family. On how if I called you by your first name it would come off as disrespectful and I might lose your friendship. I didn't believe her at first. Well, I suppose it's more correct to say it was a negligible amount of belief. But she kept telling me the same things. She started pointing out ways that your demeanor towards me had shifted to a less friendly one. She would casually mention things you started doing that could be signs you did not care for me nearly as much as you used to. The more semi-logical arguments she presented, the more I believed her.
"She became more and more insistent with her viewpoints. Even if I really believed what she was saying now, I still called you by your first name. I did not wish to startle you with a sudden change like I did the day everything fell apart. I could not stand to believe our relationship was not true friendship, it hurt to think that way. So I kept waiting and waiting to look for the deterioration of the kindness we exchanged. I did notice an increase in the alleged signals she had mentioned over time. Though I just was not capable of transitioning from very casual to very formal. There was no time where it seemed I could make the transition without you questioning it. You're too observant for that.
"I hated that I was not bold enough to do it if there was a possibility of conflict. That I could not take the actions necessary to do what would seemingly save our friendship out of fear of destroying it. I could not lose you. There was no good choice in my mind. Not one I would feel good about anyway.
"With all the chaos from that sudden inferno, I thought it might go unnoticed. Subconsciously you would be used to it when the hysteria calmed down and everyone resumed rational thought. Despite the pandemonium you still picked up on it.
"Anyway, I didn't mean to unload on you. Sorry." I need to say something before he moves on.
Why can't I? I can address the entirety of the survivors in the kingdom after the greatest tragedy to befall the land since the Ashen Air, yet I can't say something after my best friend, my favourite person, confesses his fears about our friendship to me.
"I ruined it, didn't I? I'm sorry. I knew I made the wrong choice as soon as I spoke. I understand if you take this opportunity to sever our friendly relationship. I don't blame you..."
He was rambling on and on. My brain refused to process what he was saying. The thrum of my heartbeat throughout my body drowned out his voice. My head is spinning just as much as the room around me.
In and out. In and out. Breathing would surely help me think.
In and out. In and out.
In and out.
In and out…
With my breathing returned to regular and my heartbeat slowing a bit, I realized he was still rambling incoherent apologies.
He means so much to me. How can he not know that? What would ever make him think I disliked him even slightly? "What were these 'alleged signs' that your mother pointed out?"
My mouth finally catches up to my mind and that's what I say. Brilliant.
"Umm, you started answering me with exceptionally brief answers and starting less conversations than you used to. More and more frequently you would fidget like you do at those meetings that go on and on and on when we conversed. You would hardly meet my gaze. There's more but I think you get the point; you generally seemed less interested in spending time and talking with me."
He makes a good point. It makes perfect sense for him to take that as me becoming more distant. Of course, I know it's just because my mind decides it will not function properly when I'm around him but he would have no way to know that.
"Nevaj, I—I care about you so, so deeply. You never need to worry about losing my friendship. You mean so much to me, maybe more than anyone else right now. I cannot believe I let you think for a second that you weren't worth my time."
He's lost the battle against his tears now, and I am fairly close to losing it myself.
Before I realize I'm even moving I'm sitting beside him on the bed. "Please don't cry," I gently wipe the tears from his cheeks, not fully aware of what I'm doing, "I never wanted to hurt you."
"I-I'm so-I'm so sor-sorry." His arms wrap around me. I hug him back, barely even process it. "I'm so sorry," he mutters into my tunic.
"It's okay, you don't need to apologize." He tensed for a second before relaxing again.
"Can-can we maybe lay down? This position can't-can't be good for my spine." A bullshit excuse, but he's probably light-headed and I doubt it would be good if he fainted right now.
Rather than respond verbally, I release him so he can lay down comfortably. For a moment, he looks horrified, and his crying increased once more. He seems to realise what I was trying to indicate, though, and lays down. I lay down as well, and pull the blanket he had been wearing earlier over us before putting my arms around him again.
We lay together for a while. His tears slowing, me absent-mindedly running my fingers through his hair and up and down his back. He murmurs "Thank you," under his breath.
"Anytime," is the only response I can even think to say.
The moment was peaceful while it lasted, just spending time together, not truly aware of the outside world. Until, of course, we are. "My parents would kill us." The bed rattles as he scrambles to get into a more decent position. I take the hint and get up to sit on the sofa. I wish that, just for a day, we could ignore our social lives and just have a good time. Instead we're stuck constantly losing out on any free time to do as we please.
As if right on cue, his father opens the door. "Prince Daah, it is rather late, should I prepare the guest suite."
"That would be lovely, Mr. Arunin, thank you sir." For a split second I thought that perhaps that was too formal, before remembering who I was talking to.
"Of course, your highness. The room will be ready soon." Finally he leaves, and me and Nevaj can talk once more.
"Thank you for always being here for me, Rarz." Hearing my first name from his mouth after not hearing it for so long is refreshing.
"You've helped me through so much, of course I would be there for you. You really do mean the world to me."
"I'll try my best to remember that in the future. It was just difficult with how much my mom told me you were drifting away. You mean a lot to me, too."
"I know. I'm sorry I came off as distant. When I spend time with you, my brain stops working right. Everything is overwhelming and I cannot remember a single word I have ever learned. Perhaps it's just because I can be casual with you, and since I'm so used to being formal, I just can't think of what to do. I don't know. I'm sorry I'm rambling."
"We both ramble all the time, you have nothing to apologize for."