Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He didn’t really have a choice.  

Okay that was a lie. Technically there was always a choice.  Especially when it came to who you bonded your soul to.  Who you were willing to share your life, and your life force, with.  Sousuke couldn’t believe that he was even considering sharing his with Nanase of all people.  The one person he’d ever met who could set him on edge just by being in the same room as him.  He frustrated Sousuke to no end with his cool indifference to everything, even his own fate and future, and the way Rin often went right along with him drove Sousuke to the end of his patience more often than not.  

But, he reminds himself as he stares at the ceiling of his bedroom, Nanase’s importance to Rin - to all of their friends really, but especially Rin - was the exact reason he was considering this.  He knew first hand how much their falling out had hurt Rin and as Rin’s best friend he was bound and determined to never see his friend that devastated, that lost, ever again if he could help it.

Which is why he’s considering the idea of offering a soulbond to Nanase.

He’s been weighing the pros and cons for weeks now.  He wasn’t a romantic like Rin.  He wasn’t waiting for that perfect person to spend the rest of his life with and even if he did somehow find them he wasn’t really sure he’d want a soulbond with them anyway.  So there wasn’t necessarily a huge loss there.

A downside would be the fact that for at least a year, maybe longer depending on how well Nanase’s body responded to the bond, they would most likely have to live together.  Which he figures he can see working, barely.  But there’s also a chance they will just kill each other in the first six months and be done with it all.  So a bit of a loss with that one.

Rin would be happy.  So would all their other friends who, for some reason he still didn’t completely understand, actually seemed rather enamored with Nanase.  That was a huge plus.

Even if Nanase’s body responded well and they could live apart after awhile he and Nanase would be linked together in some way or another for the rest of their lives.  There would always literally be a part of each of them with the other.  But it would also allow him to be able to not lie and avoid the always awkward conversations with family and well-meaning classmates about if he’s found his “soulmate” yet.  So he supposes those kind of cancel each other out.

Sousuke flops onto his side and stares out the window.  This whole thing might be a little less confusing and daunting if he had someone to discuss it with.  But he knows if he brings it up to Rin he’ll freak out and try to talk him out of it.  He’ll bring up stuff about romance and dates and finding your one true love to spend the rest of your life with and happily ever after.  Plus he just knows that, whether he tells him now or later, Rin will feel a mountain of guilt knowing that part of Sousuke’s decision, part of what gave him the idea in the first place, was Rin’s own happiness.

His parents, well, he loves them but who he does or doesn’t soulbond with and potentially spend his life with isn’t really something he feels like discussing with them.  Especially since their advice will most likely just be “do what you feel is right” anyway.  They were very much of the “it’s your life, your mistakes to make, your decisions to make” parenting philosophy.  He was always welcome if he needed help but he had also been raised to understand that his choices were his own to make.

There weren’t really many others he was close enough to and who knew the details of Nanase’s condition to understand the severity of the situation that he could go to.  Kou was always an option but there was a good chance it would get straight back to Rin far too quickly.  He figures he could go to Tachibana.  But he had even more at stake than Rin did, being Nanase’s best friend and all, and Sousuke isn’t sure he’d be able to be able to be as objective as he would like.  Plus he still isn’t entirely sure why Nanase won’t soulbond with Tachibana, not that it really matters in the end, but he doesn’t want to bring up a sore topic or cross any boundaries with Tachibana considering he’s the one in Rin’s group of friends that he gets along with the most.

So, like so many other choices in his life so far, he’s stuck figuring this one out on his own.

Which is why he finds himself standing outside Nanase’s apartment at just after three in the morning.  In all honesty it’s not until the door swings open and he sees narrowed blue eyes peering out at him that he even fully registers that it’s technically a pretty dick move and that it didn’t really earn him any points towards getting Nanase to agree with his offer.

“What?”  Nanase’s voice sounds more irritated than tired and Sousuke wonders if he has even been to sleep yet.  Judging by the even paler look of his already pale complexion and the bags under his eyes he obviously hasn’t been sleeping well for awhile now.

“I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Nanase gives him a look that even Sousuke, as not fluent in Nanase-speak as he is, can interpret as a scathing “at 3AM, really?” before simply turning around and wandering away, leaving the door open behind him.

“Look,” he says as he settles down on the floor across the low table from Nanase, “I’ll get straight to the point.”  Nanase blinks at Sousuke a couple times and pulls his sketchbook towards himself, eyes dropping to the page as he shrugs.  Sousuke figures it’s as close to a “go ahead” as he’ll get and he takes a deep breath as Nanase balances the sketchbook on the edge of the table, tilted up so Sousuke can’t see what he’s doing, and starts sketching something.  “I know you have your reasons for choosing not to go through with it with Tachibana and that’s fine.  They’re your reasons.  Your choice.  But if you want a soulbond I’d be willing to do it with you.”

The pencil doesn’t stop moving, tip never even skittering or hesitating the slightest bit, as they sit there in silence.  It’s not quite the uncomfortable I loathe your very existence silence they used to have.  But it’s not exactly comfortable either.  Sousuke almost feels as if Nanase is reaching out feelers somehow, as if the very air in the room is observing him and sending all sorts of feedback straight to Nanase.  After a few minutes the scratch of pencil on paper slows, but doesn’t stop.  

“Why?”

“Why not?”  Sousuke leans back on his hands and glances out the tiny window above the kitchen sink.  Nanase still doesn’t look up at him and somehow he manages to telegraph his lack of amusement at Sousuke’s answer, at Sousuke’s entire presence in his apartment, through nothing but the rasp of pencil lead on paper and the not quite relaxed set of his shoulders.  “Honestly?  I’m not entirely sure why I’m offering.  It’s not like we’re great friends and I don’t exactly have a personal investment in your well being or anything.  I mean if you never woke up tomorrow I can’t say as I would mourn you too long.”  Nanase huffs out a breath that almost sounds amused.  “I know the feeling is pretty mutual too.”

“Is it because of Rin?”

“Part of it, yeah.”

“Wouldn’t soulbonding with me put a damper on getting into his pants?”

Sousuke snorts.  “Getting into Rin’s pants may have motivated me once upon a time years ago, when I was like sixteen.  Now it’s more like I know you’re an important friend to him, and apparently a few other people, and if I have a chance to keep Rin from losing a close friend I’ll take it.  Or offer it in this case.”  Nanase continues sketching for a few minutes, slow and steady, eyes focused on his drawing, before he suddenly stops and meets Sousuke’s gaze.

“What’s in it for you?”

“Look,” Sousuke sighs, “I’m not exactly the ‘soulmates finding each other and living happily ever after’ sort of person.  We do this, I help save your life.  I save myself plenty of grief in regards to soulmate crap.  Yay for both of us.”

“What if Rin needs you?”

“Rin will find his soulmate.  But it’s not gonna be me.  Not in the way he wants or needs a soulmate anyway.  I’m his best friend and I always will be.  But we’ll never be more than that.

Nanase holds his gaze for a moment longer, weighing Sousuke’s words against whatever is going on in his own mind, and then sets his sketchbook and pencil on the table.  “I’m going to bed,” he says as he stands and pads away down the short hallway to what Sousuke assumes is his bedroom.

A few minutes later Sousuke stands and glances down at the sketchbook.  An impressively detailed sketch of two sharks swimming away from each other covers the page and he looks down the hallway at Nanase’s door in surprise before shrugging and showing himself out.

He had put the offer on the table and, as far as he was concerned, it could stay there until Nanase made up his mind one way or the other.

Chapter Text

“So how’s it done exactly?”

Sousuke blinks a few times at the shadow covering his textbooks before glancing up to see Nanase hovering over him, blue eyes locked onto Sousuke’s book as if that’s what he was talking to.

“Excuse me?”

“Soulbonding.  What’s the process?”

It’s been five weeks since he had shown up at Nanase’s apartment and honestly Sousuke had kind of forgotten about it.  He remembered going and talking and wondering if Nanase was even paying attention to him.  But when Rin had drug Sousuke along to some Iwatobi gang get together a few days after that visit and Nanase had given him the usual, I don’t despise you but I don’t really want to be in the same room as you either, routine he had assumed that Nanase had decided to pass on his offer.

Apparently he had been wrong.

“The actual process is different for everyone,” Sousuke says as he stretches and works the crick out of his neck, gesturing for Nanase to sit down across from him.  When he doesn’t immediately comply Sousuke shrugs.  “But the general idea is once two people decide to go ahead with a bond they find a Soul Counselor and then the counselor walks them through the process.  It’s generally not as simple as, say, getting married.  You can’t just sign a paper in front of a few witnesses and be bound.  There’s usually a lot of touching each other’s hands to start the connection and then working from there to reach out to the other person with your mind and soul.  It can take a while and both people have to be willing to make the effort towards a bond so you can’t force it on someone and it makes it hard to bond with someone you don’t trust.”

Nanase’s eyes drift up from the books spread out in front of Sousuke, the slightest frown evident in his features.  “You know a lot about it.”  It’s a statement with just the barest hint of a question swimming in the depths of it.

“I’m going to school for Physical Therapy.”  He gestures to the books and notes he has spread out over the library table.  “Soulbonding was one of the electives I took.  Seemed interesting enough at the time and if it works between a pair it can be a huge benefit to someone who needs PT.”

“Healing each other’s bodies.”  Again, there’s a breath of a question to his statement and Sousuke finds himself wondering what was actually going on behind those eyes of Nanase’s.

“Yes.  But the emotional support between a pair can also help some people.  The knowledge that no matter what you’re not alone, that it’s basically impossible to have to face something alone once you’ve bonded, can be a very important factor in the recovery process for certain patients.”

“You sound like a textbook.”  

Sousuke huffs a soft laugh and raises an eyebrow at Nanase’s almost sullen expression.  “Probably because I read that in my textbook a couple weeks ago when I was studying for exams.”  He props his chin on his hand and studies Nanase; he’s just as pale and tired looking as he was weeks ago, his hands are crammed into the pocket of the hoody he’s wearing, and his normally blank face has a sheer veil of uncertainty across it that Sousuke isn’t entirely sure he’s actually seeing because it’s there and gone in the blink of an eye.  “Are you considering it with me?”

“I don’t know,” Nanase answers hesitantly.

“Here,” Sousuke says after a minute of silence.  He shuffles through the bookbag at his feet and pulls out a textbook.  Nanase takes it cautiously as if it will bite him or Sousuke will yank it back from him at the last moment.  “It’s my Soulbonding textbook.  My class is over so you can look through it.  Maybe it will help.”  He goes back to the notes he was studying before Nanase popped up and focuses on checking and rechecking everything.

He’s so engrossed in his studying that he’s surprised when his phone alarm goes off an hour later and he glances up from his notes and books and sees Nanase curled up in the chair across from him eyes scanning the pages of the book open across his knees.  He hadn’t even realized Nanase had sat down.

It takes until he’s gathered all his things and stuffed them back in his bag for Nanase to look up at him, finger marking his place in the book, head tilted ever so slightly.

“I have a shift at my job,” Sousuke explains as he shrugs his bag onto his shoulder.  “Keep the book for now.”

Nanase simply blinks a couple times and drops his gaze back to the textbook, nodding once as if it had been a given that he was keeping it.  Sousuke shakes his head, reminds Nanase that the library closes at nine, and leaves.

He doesn’t really think much of about it while he’s at work - the mind numbing repetitiveness of checking people into the athletic center while skimming through his textbooks and making notes doesn’t leave much room for outside thoughts - but once he’s back to his apartment and getting ready for bed he realizes that the time spent in the library may have been the longest amount of time he and Nanase have spent alone in the same room since sometime just after high school graduation.  And surprisingly neither of them had been ready to strangle each other before the end of it.

“Will wonders never cease?”  He mutters to the empty room, getting no answer from the small plant on his dresser, not that he expected one, as he pulls his blankets up and buries his head into his pillow.

He repeats that very question when he groggily answers his door just after six the next morning and sees Nanase standing on the other side looking vaguely irritated at being there.  Almost as if he’s not even sure why he’s there or how he got there but is regretting the whole thing.  Sousuke takes in the shadows under his eyes, the way his fingers clasp tightly at the strap of the bag slung over his shoulder, how he looks paler than ever and sighs.

“I can’t deal with,” he gestures towards Nanase and ignores the slight narrowing of his eyes, “whatever right now.  I’m going back to sleep for at least two more hours,” he announces as he turns around and lets Nanase show himself in.  “Do whatever you want just don’t wake me up until at least eight.”

“At least it’s not three AM,” Nanase grumbles as he toes off his shoes.

“You had no intention of going to sleep at that point anyway.”

“Says you.”

“And I’m right, aren’t I?”  Nanase’s silence is answer enough.  “Like I said.  I need a couple more hours of sleep.  Try not to break anything of mine.”

Nanase huffs and Sousuke wonders if he would break something just because Sousuke told him not to.  He wouldn’t put it past him.  But he’s back to his bed now and it’s calling out to him so he shoves thoughts of Nanase knocking his picture frames off of shelves just to be a shit to the back of his mind and promptly, happily, goes back to sleep.

The next time he opens his eyes he’s groggy and confused and feels like his limbs all weigh a couple tons each.  A look at his clock confirms what he already suspects: it’s way past eight.  In fact it’s almost noon.  He’s surprised Nanase hadn’t woken him up and as he stumbles to the bathroom, eyelids threatening to glue themselves shut again against the harsh light over the sink, he wonders if maybe Nanase had just left after he went back to sleep.  He probably did.  After all he hadn’t even looked like he wanted to be there in the first place so why would he hang around by himself while Sousuke blissfully slept in his room?

He’s so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn’t register what he sees until he’s in his small kitchen, digging in the fridge.  Then his brain catches up with what he saw and he pulls his head back out of the fridge and slowly approaches the couch.

Nanase is curled up on one end, sketchbook upside down on the floor where it obviously slipped off his lap, fast asleep.  His breathing is even and deep and Sousuke takes a moment to just watch him.  The few times he’s seen him in the past few months he’s looked tired, which is to be expected given what he’s going through.  But like this, with his guard dropped, he just looks downright exhausted.  Sousuke picks up the sketchbook so the pages won’t crease anymore than they have and sets it on the end table near Nanase’s end of the couch.  Then he grabs the blanket from his bed and carefully drapes it over Nanase before heading back into his kitchen.

He’s so silent in the way he sleeps that Sousuke actually pauses what he’s doing from time to time to glance over and make sure he is actually just sleeping.  It reminds him of the time he and Rin kept an eye on Kou when they were kids and she had been sick.  Rin’s mom had to run to the store to get more medicine and they had insisted they would be fine watching her.  Sousuke remembers spending half the time just watching Kou sleep, his breath catching in his throat every time he’d glance over and catch her on a steady slow exhale, small body barely shifting the blankets, sure that she wasn’t going to wake up.  

That moment of pure panic jolts through him one time he glances up from his textbooks and he swears he watches Nanase for a good thirty seconds before he takes a deep breath in and slowly lets it back out, shifting slightly towards the back of the couch.

A few minutes later he hears the blanket rustling as Nanase wakes up and he can tell the instant where he is and who is with him registers because he stills so completely that Sousuke has to resist the urge to look up, once again, and check that he’s still breathing.

“It’s about two,” he says from his spot on the floor at the other end of the couch.  He jots a reminder to himself in his notebook to talk to his professor about some of the other chapters he’s not quite understanding.  “There’s food in the fridge if you’re hungry.”

“I fell asleep.”

“Obviously.  I’ve been out here for almost two hours now.”  Sousuke glances up in time to see a contemplative look flash through Nanase’s eyes before he untangles himself from the blanket and pads into Sousuke’s kitchen to poke through the fridge.  He turns back to his notes, intent on finishing the current chapter’s study guide questions today so he at least has the rest of his Saturday and all of his Sunday to not think about classes.

“I don’t sleep in places I don’t feel comfortable.”  Nanase stares at his sketchbook, still on the end table where Sousuke left it, as he slowly picks at the sandwich he brought back with him.

“Okay,” Sousuke prompts slowly when Nanase doesn’t seem inclined to continue his thoughts, “and?  You’re comfortable here?”

Nanase hesitates, taking a bite and slowly chewing as he gathers his thoughts.  “I’m not uncomfortable here,” he finally says.  “You, and the book, said you have to relax and trust each other.  I don’t know if I necessarily trust you but I don’t feel as uncomfortable as I expected.”

“Oh. Thanks?”  Sousuke writes the answer to another question and then pauses.  “Wait how much of that book did you read yesterday?”

Nanase stares at the last few bites left of his sandwich before setting it aside on a paper towel he had grabbed with a tiny shrug.  “I don’t sleep much lately,” he says quietly before reaching for his sketchbook.  “Do you know where my pencil is?”

That, Sousuke finds out, is that.  Nanase basically ignores any other questions he tries to ask, digging around in the couch cushions before finding the mechanical pencil he had been using and focusing on his sketchbook once again.  A slight eye twitch or miniscule furrow of his brow are the only signs he is even hearing anything Sousuke tries to say to him so Sousuke simply goes back to his homework.  He was never really one for idle chit-chat anyway.

Minutes before the clock hits four Sousuke pushes his books onto the floor and drops his head backward onto the couch with a groan.

“That’s it.  I’m done.  I don’t even want to think about homework until Monday,” he grumbles, shoving his pile of textbooks and notes towards the small bookcase he has his bag sitting in front of.  He tosses his pen in that general direction and closes his eyes.  Nanase is, apparently, still sketching away up on the couch though Sousuke thinks he’s heard him turn to at least one new page in the hour and a half or so of silence they’ve had.  “I’m ordering a pizza,” he announces as he stands and stretches before heading to use the bathroom.

When he comes back out Nanase is gone without a word which doesn’t really surprise him.  Or bother him.  He prefers not to share his pizza if possible.

The next few weeks pass in a similar fashion.  Nanase will occasionally just show up at the library or at Sousuke’s apartment, ask a few questions, and then hang around for a couple hours before up and leaving.  Sometimes Nanase falls asleep and Sousuke drags out a blanket to cover him up with.  Sometimes he just sits and sketches the whole time.  Sometimes he reads some of Sousuke’s textbooks.

“Do you know any?”  Nanase asks one afternoon.  It’s been almost three months since Sousuke made his offer and they’re once again in his apartment, Nanase curled up on one end of the couch with his sketchbook and Sousuke sitting on the floor in front of the other end with a textbook open in his lap.

“Know any what?”

“Soul Counselors.”

“Ah.”  They’re picking up the conversation they started last week.  Sousuke’s noticed that Nanase does that sometimes; he’ll stop talking and then hours or even days later pick up like they never left off.  It’s not the most annoying thing in the world but it does make keeping up with Nanase’s already mysterious thought patterns difficult sometimes.  “I don’t know any personally but it wouldn’t be hard to ask around and find a decent one.”

“Okay.”

“Okay as in you want me to ask around or…?”

“I think I want to try,” Nanase murmurs almost defensively, eyes sliding up to meet Sousuke’s for a brief moment before returning to his sketchbook.  He’s been staring at the page for the last half hour and hasn’t made a single mark on it.  Sousuke shuts his book and leans his head back against the couch cushion.

“There will be a lot of questions.  From the counselor.  From Rin and Tachibana.”

“Yeah.”

“They’ll want some information and most likely end up repeating a bunch of mundane things and you can’t just up and walk away if you get uncomfortable.”

“Are you talking about the counselors or our friends?”

Sousuke snorts.  “Both.”

Chapter Text

Naturally they’re fifteen minutes late to their first appointment.  Nanase doesn’t offer an explanation when he finally walks up to Sousuke outside the office building so Sousuke just rolls his eyes and heads inside where the counselor is waiting.  She simply introduces herself as Nao, smiles, and asks them to follow her into a small room down the hallway.  It’s clean and neat with pale walls and soft chairs and Sousuke supposes it’s meant to feel cozy and comfortable.

The only thing it really does is remind him of all the specialist’s offices he visited in high school after the second time he wrecked himself and he rolls his shoulder out of habit as they sit down.

“So,” Nao says after they’re all seated, “you’re interested in a soulbond.”  She’s looking between them expectantly.  Nanase, the ever skillful conversationalist, is staring at the carpet, face blanker than the walls of the room they’re in.

“Yes,” Sousuke answers.  “That’s right.”  Her eyes flicker between them for a moment, smile never falling from her face but Sousuke can see her brain filing away every detail from the way Nanase’s hands are still stuffed in the pockets of his jacket to the stiff set of Sousuke’s shoulders.

“Okay.  First I’ll explain a few basic things about soulbonds and then if you like we can discuss a bit more about how I can help you.  Sound good?”  Sousuke nods and, after a moment, he sees Nanase give a small nod as well.  “Good.  First of all soulbonds are a very special thing.  Once you bond with a person it’s for life.  No going back.  No breaking it.  No deciding in a month that it’s not working and returning it.  Once you bond with someone you can’t bond with anyone else ever again, even if your partner is no longer in this world.”  Sousuke nods again, this is all stuff that he had covered in his classes.  He notices Nanase shifting out of the corner of his eye and wonders if he’s already regretting coming.  “A soulbond is not a cure-all.  Some people only want to bond to magically heal themselves but it’s not that simple.  Yes a bond can help heal a partner’s body, can help save a partner’s life.  But there is no guarantee that it will allow partners to do so.  Still with me?”  They both nod and Nao smiles again.

She keeps listing off facts about soulbonds and explaining certain myths about them - including things about how many bonded partners will be able to sense each others emotions and that some even share pain to a degree - but Sousuke is only half listening.  Partially because he’s already heard most of this in his classes and partially because what she’s said is sticking in his mind.  Mostly the things about never having another soulbond again and it not being a guarantee.  He already knew both of these but his eyes drift over and meet Nanase’s for a moment and suddenly he gets it.

“Okay, so, now that we’ve covered some basics I am going to leave you two be for a bit so you can talk.  Then when I get back we’ll go over some starting techniques and if you’re still interested in continuing we’ll set up a time for you to come in again.”  Nao smiles once again and slips out the door.  They’re both silent, lost in their own thoughts, until Sousuke sighs.

“The reason you won’t do it with Tachibana,” he says quietly.  

Nanase tenses, eyes flicking to Sousuke before returning to the floor.  “Don’t.”

“Fine.”

Nao comes back ten minutes later, ten minutes they spent in silence, each staring at a different spot in the room refusing to even look at each other, and settles back in her chair.

“So, we still interested?”

“Yes,” Nanase says softly.  Sousuke glances over to him and then meets Nao’s eyes and nods.

“Wonderful.  Okay.  As you know every bond is different.  Even two partners can feel the bond in a slightly different way.  Which can make it a bit difficult to begin things, which is why I’m here.  It’s important to remember that it can take time so do your best not to get frustrated if you have trouble connecting.  Also you both have to reach for each other for this to work.  You can’t just hole up and expect the other person to do all the work.”

She gestures for them to face each other and instructs them to hold each other’s hands.

“Interlocking fingers, palms together, one person resting their hand in the other’s.  Whatever works best for you.  This helps you center yourselves and makes it easier to reach out to the other person.  Later you can move on to more casual touches but to start you want a firm grounding point.”  She chatters on about how to relax yourself and how connecting to each other is kind of like tying a rope between two souls and a dozen other tiny things that Sousuke hears but doesn’t really focus on.

He rests his wrists on his knees, palms up, and raises an eyebrow at Nanase, wiggling his fingers when he doesn’t immediately move.  He’s sure Nanase can read the meaning behind his smirk - chickening out already? - because his eyes narrow almost imperceptibly and he drops his hands onto Sousuke’s, palms up as well, and for a moment Sousuke can feel that familiar twinge of competitiveness slinking through his body.  Those charged moments from high school crowding under his skin at the flash of defiance in Nanase’s gaze when Sousuke shifts his hands enough to lightly wraps his fingers around Nanase’s wrists.

Then it’s gone as Nao’s voice filters back through.  “Good.  Now it will probably take a bit before it even happens but I want to assure you that you’ll both know the moment you bond.  It will feel different for both of you.  Some people say it feels like something snapping into place.  Others say they feel a tug.  Yet others feel like someone ties a knot in them.  But when the connection is made I promise you’ll feel it.  But like I said.  It will take some time.  So don’t feel guilty if you don’t get it to work right away.”

“I get it now,” Sousuke says as the head towards the train station.

“Don’t,” Nanase warns.  “Just… don’t.”  Sousuke opens his mouth to push just a little further when a familiar voice calls out.

“Haru!  Sousuke!”  Nanase’s entire body tenses before he takes a breath and turns to glance over his shoulder, face a well practiced mask of indifference.

“Rin,” Sousuke turns around and smiles, laughing when his friend gives him a quick hug and then lightly punches Nanase’s shoulder.  “What are you doing around here?  I thought you weren’t back in town for another week?”

“My coach and half the team are out with the flu or something so it was decided that we all start break a little earlier than planned to let them recover and hopefully avoid the rest of us getting whatever they have.”  Rin grimaces at the thought and then settles himself between them as they continue towards the station.  “Why are you two here?  Together?”

“Together?” Sousuke asks and Nanase scoffs.  As if the very idea of being somewhere with Sousuke is beneath him.  “No.  I was picking up some info for some extra credit for my Soulbonding class.  No idea what he’s doing here.”

“The fountain is nice to draw beside.”  Nanase gestures backwards towards a small park.

Rin nods, accepting the answers with a hum.  “Hey since I’m back early we should get together this weekend!”

“Maybe.” Sousuke shrugs at the pout on Rin’s face.  “I still have some studying before final exams in a couple weeks.”

Rin nods and chats, filling up the silence between Sousuke and Nanase with ease, until they reach the station and part ways.

“I am definitely getting ahold of Makoto and we’ll do something.  Even just movies or whatever.  I don’t care what I just want to hang with you guys.”  His words are directed to both of them but Sousuke can see the way his gaze lingers on Nanase, probably noting the tiredness in his eyes and the way his jacket nearly swallows him.  He waves as Rin hurries towards his train before following Nanase onto their train.  It’s nearly empty and he takes a seat across the aisle from Nanase, leaving him to his thoughts.

True to his word Rin calls that night to set something up the next day and he goes but Nanase isn’t there.  Tachibana explains that Nanase doesn’t feel well and that he and Rin were going to stop by after their movie with Sousuke and Sousuke was welcome to come with if he wanted.  He just laughs and says that if Nanase doesn’t feel well he’s sure that Sousuke is the last person he wants to see.  The worst part of the whole day is listening to Rin and Tachibana worrying over Nanase.

“I just wonder sometimes if Haru’s worried at all,” Rin says and Makoto gives him a sad smile.

“You know Haru.  He doesn’t really talk about these sort of things.”

“It’s just.  He’s dying Makoto.  Our friend is dying and I don’t even know what’s going on with him.  I don’t know if he’s in pain.  It’s obvious he isn’t sleeping.  I don’t know what he’s tried to do.  He refuses to even discuss anything to do with soulbonding.”

“I’ve tried to talk to him about doing it with me but he says he wants me to be able to bond with my real soulmate someday when I fall in love.”

“I’m sure it’s true.  It just feels like a cheap answer.”

He’s wondering how exactly to explain to their counselor at their next session that he has no idea where his soulbond partner is because he hasn’t spoken to them in almost two weeks when he turns the corner and sees Nanase leaning against the building, staring up at the sky.  Sousuke is too frustrated at the sight of him to let the tiny bubble of relief make it’s way to the surface.

This session is a lot like the last.  They sit across from each other, Nanase’s hands resting on top of his, while Nao gives them suggestions on relaxation and reaching out for each other.  She goes more in depth about the process, explaining some of the research that has been done about soulmates and the bonding process.  When they leave she tells them that as long as they understand what they need to do and can find a relaxing place to work together they don’t necessarily have to return unless they want more help or need a quiet place.

“Many people only need me for a few sessions and then choose to finish on their own.  If I were in this for the money I’d insist that everyone return until they manage to bond.  But I just want to see people sharing the bond.  You two seem like you understand the ideas well enough and I get the feeling you would be more comfortable doing the rest alone.  You have my card if you need anything and I’m more than happy to help if you want me to.”

Sousuke isn’t surprised that they don’t talk at all on their way to the station or the ride back.  He is, however, mildly surprised when he gets off at his stop and Nanase follows him home.

“Am I suddenly worthy of your presence now?”  Sousuke toes off his shoes with a sneer and flops onto his couch leaving Nanase to shut the door and slip off his own shoes.  

Yes it doesn’t necessarily make sense.  Yes he’s being kind of an asshole.  He figures it’s only fair since it is his natural state and Nanase has always been the best at bringing it out of him.  Plus most of the day he spent hanging out with Rin and Tachibana two weeks ago consisted of him listening to them worrying themselves sick over Nanase.  Then there was the fact that this past week has been nothing but an onslaught of texts from Rin working himself into a tizzy over Nanase and the fact that he basically refuses to talk to Rin at all on top of studying for and taking his finals for the year.

So yes.  He’s being an asshole and taking it out on the closest person.

Nanase settles on the floor beside the couch and draws his knees against his chest, eyes fluttering shut when he tips his head back to rest on the cushion.  Before long the silence starts to feel stifling and Sousuke turns onto his side; he wants to see Nanase for this discussion.

“The reason you refused to do the bond with Tachibana,” Nanase turns his head and glares at Sousuke.  Sousuke glares back.  Unless he actually gets up and leaves Sousuke refuses to be deterred this time.  “It’s because you don’t want to risk it not working right?  You don’t want him to wind up not being able to bond when he does find someone someday if it doesn’t work for you.”  

Nanase’s eyes drift shut again and he takes a shaky breath.

“If it doesn’t work I don’t want him to be upset that his best friend is dead and feel guilty over the bond not helping.”  His voice is quiet enough that if Sousuke hadn’t been waiting for an answer he might not have heard him.  “Makoto would think that it was all his fault he couldn’t save me and on top of that he wouldn’t be able to bond with anyone ever again.  I can’t let him go through that.  It wouldn’t be fair to let him experience something he wants so much for such a short time.  And not even experience it properly.  He means a lot to me but I’m not in love with Makoto.”

“Tachibana’s pretty into soulmates and romance and happily ever after like Rin isn’t he?”  Nanase nods.  Then the rest of what he said sinks in and Sousuke pushes himself up onto his elbow.  “Wait.  How long do you have?”

“Why?  Wondering how long you’ll be stuck with me if it doesn’t work?”  

“Nanase,” Sousuke growls.  “Just answer me.”

“Don’t worry.  You’ll only be stuck with me three?  Maybe four months.”

Something cold and slimy settles in Sousuke’s gut.  “Fuck.”  He can’t even fully wrap his head around the sudden knowledge that Nanase’s life expectancy is only a few more months.  “You, uh.”  Nanase sighs lets go of his knees, legs slowly sinking to the floor as Sousuke processes the news.  “Do they know?”

“They know it’s getting closer but not how close.”

“And until I made my offer you, what?  Were just going to let yourself be dead within the year?”  Nanase shrugs and the slimy stone in Sousuke’s gut starts to churn, memories of high school dreams and frustration and rage bubbling under his skin.  “Don’t just shrug.  Answer me.”  He knows he’s just backing Nanase into a corner.  He knows and he still can’t help it.  He may be the only person to have ever had the will to do this to Nanase and it’s obvious he needs the push.  He needs to snap at someone before he breaks himself.  Sousuke understands.  “You were content to just lay there and die?”

Nanase lets out a bitter laugh as he stands.  “Are we high schoolers again?  What’s next?  A lecture about all my wasted potential?  Telling me not to hold my friends back?  Well guess what, Yamazaki.  It’s hard to care about much when your family barely knows you exist anymore, your friends treat you like glass, and you find out when you’re nineteen that you’re going to be dead before you’re twenty-one.  All I wanted was to be ordinary again not dead!  So excuse me for not wanting to get out of bed most mornings.”

Wide eyes stare down at Sousuke as Nanase finishes with flushed cheeks and a shuddering inhale of breath.  He knows this is the longest conversation they’ve ever had and this is the most he’s heard Nanase talk at one time regardless of who he’s talking to.  This is also the most emotion he’s seen on Nanase’s face.  Nanase looks surprised at his outburst, also angry and almost a little vulnerable.  Sousuke can tell he realizes all of this too because he blinks rapidly, jaw clenching, and Sousuke can see the barriers starting to fly back up.

“Are you done?”

“What if I’m not?”  Nanase snaps back at him obviously struggling between withdrawing into himself and lashing out at Sousuke again.

Sousuke sits up slowly.  “Then keep yelling at me.”

Chapter Text

There’s something numbly comforting about yelling at someone when you reach your breaking point.  Getting right up in their face so you know they can’t help but listen to you, to focus on you.  On your problems and your anger.  Sousuke knows this well.  Knows how it feels to box someone in and let loose.  Knows how to sit back and let someone else’s anger wash over him.  He can deal with it.  Has dealt with the give and take of it for years as Rin’s best friend.  The biggest difference, from what he’s seen so far, between Rin’s reactions and Nanase’s is that Rin gets here so much faster.  He’s quick to flare up and lash out, fire spreading and fingers digging into Sousuke’s clothes as he blinks tears out of his eyes, voice rough and ragged and exhausted by the weight the world drops on him.

Nanase’s anger, on the other hand, is tightly woven.  A compact thing; steadily building pressure, filling up every ounce of space before finally, finally bursting.  Sousuke has no idea why Nanase keeps it in, has apparently always kept it in, but he can tell he does.  It’s evident in the sharp way he speaks, voice tight and wound and every word laced with that touch of unsure sarcasm.  As if he’s simultaneously daring Sousuke to make fun of him and begging him to take this seriously.

He notes another difference as Nanase’s shoulders tense and he glares down at him, words coming faster now but just as clear and precise as before.  Rin’s anger bites at Sousuke, sinking in and dragging him along, leaving ragged wounds; Nanase’s cuts him, slashes deep and withdraws, whipcrack fast in a way that leaves Sousuke feeling drained and sluggish.  

He wonders as he hears Nanase’s breath start to hitch a little at the end of each sentence, sees his shoulders nearly vibrating with tension, if the way they express their anger is similar to the way they feel.  If Rin lashes out, snarling and biting, because his emotions thrash and struggle and nip at his bones, begging to be let loose.  If Nanase slashes like this because everything inside him is tight and precise and coiled like a snake ready to strike, venomous feelings oozing and bubbling under his skin.

He wonders because he knows that his feelings and his way of getting them out is like that.  His anger will weigh and weigh and weigh on him, dragging him down until he finally unloads it, dropping it onto the lap of whoever is there to receive it.  It’s heavy and dense and he lets his words sink into realization with a slow surety that this time it will be too much for anyone to bear.

But this isn’t about him.  Not really.  Not even the words Nanase is pelting him with, words that try to drip poison into wounds, are really about him.  So he weathers the storm that is Nanase’s unused feelings, his anger at the cruelness of the world, his weariness at living the last two years of his life with his impending death looming over his head as everyone around him slowly distances themselves without meaning to.  Nanase is winding down, spiraling back towards the ground, and Sousuke can see the crash coming.  His voice finally cracks, words hitching and hiccuping along with his breaths, and Sousuke stands.  

He walks away without a word, leaves Nanase to gather the shattered pieces of his composure with heavy breaths and shaking hands, and comes back a few minutes later with the quilt he had drug out of his closet the last time Nanase had crashed on his couch.  It’s old and faded, nearly worn through in a couple places, but it’s comfortable.  To Sousuke it had always been a reminder of the warm safety of childhood.  He doesn’t really know what it is to Nanase but he takes it from Sousuke, eyes nearly closed as he sinks onto the couch and falls onto his side without another word, curling into himself.

Nanase doesn’t speak to him for the next three days.  He doesn’t leave Sousuke’s apartment either.  

Sousuke wakes up the day after Nanase’s episode (breakdown, outburst, whatever you wanted to call it) and finds the black haired boy - he looks so young right now that Sousuke barely believes they’re the same age - passed out on his couch still.  He doesn’t even look like he’s moved since he curled up and Sousuke lets him be.  He makes himself breakfast, glances through some notes he made to keep what he learned in his classes fresh during break, and heads out for the day.

“I’ll be gone most of the day.  There’s food around if you’re hungry.  I don’t plan on being back until after my shift tonight.”

He doesn’t know if Nanase is even awake to hear him but, just like when he talks to the plant on his dresser sometimes, he’s not expecting a response so the silence doesn’t bother him.

His day consists of some research at the library and a long walk through the nearby park before heading to work.  He could have done the research at home technically, since it was mostly just some internet searches about soulbonding side effects and browsing the job boards and his course information to see if he could get an idea of where exactly the hell he was going with this whole physical therapy education thing of his, but he wants to give Nanase a little space.  Some time alone to not have to worry about schooling his emotions or expressions or, if need be, keeping his voice down.  Plus he wants some time to himself after last night.  He doesn’t know how Nanase works.  How he comes away from an ordeal like that.  If he’ll be angry or sullen or back to his normal vaguely emotionless looking self.

When work is finally over and he can lock up the athletic center and go home he lets himself think about things.  He realizes that there’s a chance that Nanase doesn’t even know how to come back after something like last night.  He remembers that Rin talked to him one time about what went down in high school.  Man they were all kind of a mess then, some of them still are, he thinks with a humorless laugh.  But he remembers Rin explaining that Nanase and Tachibana had a pretty big fight, big for them anyway, and Nanase had simply shut down for days.  Until Rin had basically drug him across part of an ocean and somehow knocked some sense into him.

He and Nanase certainly weren’t the kind of friends Nanase and Tachibana were, but he has the feeling that Nanase’s current state is probably pretty similar to that time.  Locked up tight inside his own mind, unsure of how to muck his way forward, or if he even wants to.  

Sousuke’s apartment building looms in front of him and he glances up to his floor, not surprised to see his lights off, and sighs.  The walk home through the cool night had been refreshing but he still doesn’t have the slightest clue what to do about Nanase.

He’s starting to think that there’s a chance he never will.

The empty glass on his counter is the only indication that Nanase even moved at all today.  Sosuke takes a moment to wash it and put it away before shuffling off to get ready for bed.

The next day is basically a repeat of the previous except he replaces the library with the store since he needs groceries and he stops by his apartment before work to put the stuff away.  Nanase is still on the couch but he opens his eyes when Sousuke comes in this time and makes a noise when Sousuke says he’ll be back later.  It might have been an acknowledgement of Sousuke’s words or Nanase might have simply been clearing his throat.

The biggest difference of the day is that he gets a slew of texts from Rin, panicking because Nanase isn’t home and isn’t answering his phone.

How do you know hes not home? Aren’t you back with the team?

I know bc Makoto told me.  Im worried about him.

Worried about Nanase or Tachibana?  

Didn’t you tell me Nanase never answers his phone?

Both and he doesnt unless its Makoto and he hasnt for like 4 days.

And he wont answer my texts or calls.

and Makoto hasnt seen him for like a week.

Sousuke is lucky that his job doesn’t take a lot of concentration and no one at the center cares if he’s texting or playing games on his phone as long as everyone gets checked in properly and he answers the phone when it rings because it takes him most of the night to calm Rin down.

He’s probably just playing hermit or something.  

Or he ate too much mackerel and finally became one and is flopping in a fountain.

Or he’s asleep on my couch because he finally broke down and freaked out because he’s somehow supposed to come to terms with the fact he’s supposed to be dead in a few months, Sousuke thinks as he drops his phone onto the desk and buries his face in arms.  He had known that offering a soulbond to Nanase would eventually come with various difficulties he hadn’t been able to think of at the time.  He just never imagined they would come before the soulbond even happened in the form of trying to calm his best friend down while the guy he’s freaking out about is holed up in Sousuke’s apartment after spending the better part of an hour yelling at him two days ago.

Ten minutes to close he does his final sweep of the center, locking the doors with a sigh and sending Rin one final set of texts.

I’m sure the whole dying thing is a lot to handle. He’s probably just taking some time to get things sorted out in that weird head of his.  

If you don’t hear from him by the end of the week I’ll help you and Tachibana set up search parties or something ok?  

Just send Nanase some support, tell him you’re there if he wants to talk but understand if he doesn’t and let him do his freaky dolphin-boy thing.

Day three of Nanase’s radio silence consists mostly of Sousuke cleaning his small apartment and doing laundry he should have finished a week ago while Nanase continues to veg out on the couch, eyes open but distant.  Sousuke makes supper for himself and checks his phone, surprised by what’s waiting for him.

“Rin I can understand.  But since when does Tachibana text me?”  He asks out loud.  He might as well be talking to the kitchen sink since it’s the only thing that acknowledges his question, water dripping loudly from the faucet.  He really needs to get someone from maintenance around to work on that, he thinks idly as he opens the new messages from Tachibana.

Thank you for talking to Rin.  Sorry my worry stirred him up.

Also thank you for your offer to help look for Haru if we don’t hear from him.

As his best friend talking Rin down is my duty.  No big deal.

It is a big deal.  As Haru’s best friend I understand how hard it can be to talk sense into someone once they get their mind settled on something.  

Though I wonder if he still thinks of me that way lately.

Well shit.  How the hell is he supposed to answer that?  Tachibana is not quite as much of an enigma to him as Nanase but it’s not like he’s really Sousuke’s friend either.  His phone buzzes softly in his hand and he reads the new message.

Sorry!  I’m not trying to make you talk about this with me or anything.

It’s ok.  I’m sure Nanase still thinks of you as his best friend.

I just wish he’d let me help him somehow.

My advice?  Just treat him like normal.  Don’t treat him like he’s fragile or broken.  

It’s not fair to compare but when my shoulder was wrecked that’s what I hated the most.  Everyone babying me and treating me different.

Don’t baby him or treat him w/ kid gloves.  I know if I was in his spot I’d hate everyone constantly reminding me I’m dying.  

His phone goes silent again and he wonders if he went a little too far.  This, he reminds himself, is why he doesn’t try to comfort people.  His bluntness has lost him more friends that it has ever gained him.  But it kind of comes naturally as part of his general asshole-ness so he’s learned to accept it.

“I wonder if I accidentally offended Tachibana,” Sousuke mutters as he cleans up the kitchen.  “Is it even possible to actually offend him?”  He muses as he rinses the dishes and sets them on the dish rack.

“I don’t think it is.”  The quiet reply makes him pause.  He glances over his shoulder to see Nanase sitting up, quilt wrapped around his shoulders.  Sousuke’s phone buzzes on the table.  “See?”

I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way.  I was so worried about him.  About hurting him.  I wouldn’t like people treating me like glass either I suppose.

Thank you again.

“He should probably be offended and instead he thanks me.  Is Tachibana a saint?”  Nanase doesn’t reply this time, just shakes his head and starts to lay back down on the couch, freezing when his stomach lets out a growl that Sousuke can hear from the kitchen.  “You can eat some of my food,” Sousuke laughs, “but I am not cooking for you.”

“I wouldn’t trust you to anyway.”

Nanase wearily cooks himself something and eats standing at the counter while Sousuke straightens up the couch before flopping onto it.  When he comes back to the couch and pauses beside it Sousuke points at him.

“If you want back on this couch you need to bathe.  I know it’s been almost three days since you last met more than a glass of water unless you’ve been sneaking back to your apartment when I’ve been out.”  Nanase’s eyes narrow as he contemplates Sousuke’s words.  For a moment Sousuke thinks Nanase will just flop down on top of him, if for no other reason than because Sousuke told him he wasn’t allowed to, then Nanase shrugs.

“Fine.  I’ll leave.”

The barriers are back up in an instant and Sousuke shrugs too.  “Your call.  I’m not kicking you out.  For some stupid reason,” he adds under his breath as he stretches out across the couch.  “I’m just saying you should bathe.  You’ll feel better and stop fermenting on my couch.”

“My phone is at my apartment,” Nanase replies, like that answers everything Sousuke didn’t ask, and heads for the door.

In a way it does.

Because that night he gets a text from Rin.

No need for search parties you were right.  Haru texted Makoto and me.  Said he needed some time to relax and think.  Also told us to stop babying him and acting like he was a child lost at the mall.

Of course I was right.

Chapter Text

When Sousuke wakes up to the sound of knocking the first thing he does is stretch and roll over.  Right off the couch.  The second thing he does is groan into the carpet because his shoulder is throbbing from sleeping on the couch all night and now his nose is throbbing from it’s sudden meeting with the floor.

“I swear,” he grumbles as he slowly pushes to his feet and stumbles to the door, “if you’re not selling something good or telling me I won some lottery I’m gonna throttle you.”

“With your shoulder?”  Nanase asks with a raised eyebrow.  “I’m so threatened.”

“Haru!”  Sousuke’s eyes widen as he takes in the sight of Tachibana frantically trying to hush Nanase and apologize to Sousuke at the same time.  “You can’t just- Yamazaki-kun I am so sorry- I just- Haru!”

“Nanase,” Sousuke states cooly.

“Yamazaki,” he replies.  

Sousuke stares at him a beat longer before waving them in and turning around.  “To what do I owe this wake up call?”  He changes clothes and brushes his teeth while he waits for an answer.  When he returns and digs a bottle of water out of the fridge Nanase is seated on his couch like it’s his own, feet tucked under him while he flips through a magazine Sousuke had left on the end table, and Tachibana is scolding him.

“Haru you can’t just walk into people’s homes and act like it’s yours.”

“I do with you.”

“That’s with me, Haru.  Not everyone understands like I do.”

“Rin never cares when he’s back.”

“Yamazaki-kun is not Rin.”

“Yeah I’m taller and I cry a hell of a lot less.”  Nanase makes a mildly amused sound and Tachibana lets out a squeak that sounds a lot like an aborted laugh.

“Yamazaki-kun,” Tachibana scolds.  Sousuke just shrugs and finishes off his water.

“Rin knows he’s a crybaby Tachibana.  It’s okay.  So why are you guys here?”

“Ah, well Haru and I were going to spend the day at the aquarium and I wanted to stop by and thank you for talking with me yesterday.”

“And Rin was worried about you.”

“Haru!  You are just-” Tachibana sighs and smiles softly at Nanase, shaking his head as he looks to Sousuke apologetically.  “Rin wanted to thank you too but he can’t come back again for at least two or three weeks so he asked if I would stop by and see if you wanted to hang out.”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” he says automatically.  Tachibana watches him with that gentle patient smile while Nanase continues to flip through Sousuke’s magazine.  He rolls his eyes and sighs.  “But I’m sure Rin will be upset if I don’t go.  Fine let’s go to the aquarium.  But if Nanase starts stripping to hop into a tank I no longer know either of you.”

They’ve been at the aquarium two hours when Tachibana settles onto the bench beside Sousuke with a sigh.  Sousuke sends his latest text to Rin Just because you feel guilty for never seeing me doesn’t mean I need you to set up playdates for me before looking over.

“I just wanted to say thank you again.”  Tachibana scratches the back of his neck and glances over to where Nanase is sitting near a tank filled with tropical fish with his sketchbook on his lap.  “I thought about what you said and when I went over to his place this morning I let myself in like always and found him in the tub.  I just treated him like I always used to, scolding him for soaking too long, and asked if he wanted to go to the aquarium.”  Tachibana’s quiet laugh catches something in Sousuke’s chest.  “He actually smiled at me.  You know how long it’s been since he’s smiled?”

“To be honest I didn’t even know he could smile.”  Tachibana gives him a look which he pointedly ignores to check the text on his phone.

I didnt set anything up I just asked Makoto to say thanks in person for me since he was already planning on seeing you.

But it is nice to know youre not being a total recluse.

I am not a recluse.  I just like my privacy and quiet.

“Though I am surprised.”  Sousuke glances up with a questioning hum after he sends his reply to Rin.  “You and Haru seem at ease around each other today.  You two used to be so, I don’t know, indifferent?  Like the two of you didn’t hate each other anymore but you didn’t really like each other either.  You tolerated each other at best.”

You just suck at making friends cause youre an ass.  Be glad my friends are awesome.

I know I’m awesome but thanks for the reminder.

He can practically hear Rin groan and see him toss his phone across the room, muttering about Sousuke being impossible, and he smiles.

Tachibana rolls his eyes and stands.  “Sometimes I feel like talking to you is a lot like talking to Haru, Yamazaki-kun.  You hear me but I’m not sure if you’re actually listening.”

“Sorry, what?”  Sousuke manages to hold a blank expression for a few seconds as Tachibana stares at him in disbelief.  Then he’s laughing and it doesn’t take long for Tachibana to join in.  “Sorry you’re just too easy to mess with sometimes, Tachibana.  Let’s go back to Nanase before he gets bored of drawing and decides he needs another bath.”

This is the eighth time Nanase has stopped by his apartment in the three weeks since the aquarium.  It’s more or less the same routine each time: Nanase comes in, they sit on the couch for a bit and do the whole hands together centering thing that Nao showed them, then after about an hour they both grow impatient and fidgety.  Not long after that Nanase will space out and sometimes sketch for a while before leaving.  Occasionally he rummages through Sousuke’s kitchen for food or Sousuke leaves Nanase on his couch and heads to work.

Tonight Nanase is on one end of the couch with his sketchbook open on his lap.  Sousuke’s come to think of it as Nanase’s end of the couch because even when Sousuke is home alone he sits on the other end, as if Nanase has put up some sort of invisible barrier that automatically repels Sousuke.

“You know we don’t always have to do this here.”  Nanase glances up at him with what he’s come to interpret as his “what are you talking about” look.  “If you’d rather try the bonding thing at your place we can.”

“It’s fine here.  I don’t really like it at my apartment much these days.  It just doesn’t feel right there.”  His tone is the one Sousuke knows means he’s done talking about the subject.

“Okay.  Suit yourself.”  Sousuke yawns and flops onto his side, picking up the remote and turning the tv on to a random action movie.  “Just thought you might be more at ease there or something.”  

Haru’s silence manages to convey exactly what he thinks of Sousuke’s thoughts: not much.

Featureless faces lean over him, blank and cold in the dim light, and he feels the familiar weight of water against his back.  He’s adrift, rising and falling with each swell, and he tries to look past the faces and focus on the sky beyond.  But the starry night turns black, ink seeping down to the horizon and spreading along the water to his outstretched limbs.  His shoulder throbs as he reaches out for a hand that never comes.  

He hates this dream.  Hates it with a passion born from countless repetitions of the same scenes.  Knowing it’s a dream doesn’t stop the cold tendrils from creeping around him and dragging him under, doesn’t change the way the inky blackness seeps across his vision and turns his mind blurry.  It doesn’t keep his heart from beating wildly out of his chest as he tries to learn how to breathe through the murky depths of his nightmare.

Bright light blinds him, like camera flashes in the dark, and he stands, blinking away tears, in a locker room that he recognizes as Iwatobi’s though he’s never actually been inside it.  Voices blare at him from every side and he brings shaky hands up to block out the noise.  It’s too much.  A million puppets with blank eyes chattering around him.  Eyes watching him, judging, demanding, waiting for the moment he drops his guard again so they can swoop in and yank him inside out.

This nightmare is new yet intimately familiar at the same time.

Pillars of stone rise up around him and he watches, frozen, as his friends sit atop them and are raised further and further from his grasp.  They have no faces but he can feel the pull of familiarity and comfort stretching thin as the pillars climb higher and higher.  Motion out of the corner of his eye catches his attention and he and turns to gaze blearily at his reflection.  Blue eyes stare back at him and he stumbles backwards, fingers scrabbling to grip the air and coming up empty.

Nanase’s voice comes from above him, nothing but rough and unintelligible mumbles, as the ceiling slowly comes into focus.  Sousuke groans; he really needs to stop falling asleep on the couch and waking up on the floor.  

It feels like the nightmare is still seeping through into his waking mind, he can feel his body bobbing up and down like a buoy in the ocean even while the floor is solid against his back.

“What time is it?”  Sousuke grumbles. He’s trying to break away from the feeling of water surrounding him but it’s difficult and unsettling.  His nightmares have never followed him this far into the land of the waking.  

Nanase shifts slightly, probably trying to get a look at the clock over the tv with as little effort as possible.  “It’s three-thirty something.”

“In the morning?”

“Unless we slept for over eighteen hours and it gets dark at three in the afternoon now, yes.”

He lets out a grunt of pain when Nanase suddenly pushes up from the couch to stumble away; he assumes to the bathroom.  It’s only when he starts rubbing at his chest where Nanase shoved off from that he registers that his arm had been resting there, fingers dug into Sousuke’s sweatshirt.  Judging by the warmth lingering in his sweatshirt they had been laying like that for awhile.

The sound of water rushing by fills his ears and his breath catches, a wave of near panic threatening to sweep him away as he gets to his feet.  Water surrounds him, spins him, breaks against his skin.  His senses are overloaded, everything feels doubled.  Tripled.  Quadrupled.

The tightness in his chest, the crawling pain itching under his skin, the rising bile in his throat as he pads to the bathroom.

None of it is actually his.

“Nanase?”

The sensations stop as suddenly as they started.  Still and glassy like the surface of a pond on a clear day but he can feel them simmering and churning just below that surface.  He pushes open the door and catches sight of blue eyes looking at him in the mirror.

He doesn’t stumble away in surprise this time.  He stands there and stares as Nanase’s eyes widen slowly, face turning ashen before he turns and - somehow he’s graceful even as he slips to his knees and loses whatever’s in his stomach.

Sousuke isn’t sure what to do.  Nanase’s entire body practically radiates his displeasure at Sousuke’s presence but at the same time Sousuke can feel himself being pulled in, an undercurrent that slips around his ankles and tries to sweep him off his feet.  After a minute he gives in and kneels beside Nanase as he clutches the toilet like it’s a lifeline and rests his head miserably against the cool surface of the seat.

Relief and irritation pour from Nanase in equal measures as Sousuke hands him some tissues.  He can feel the churning in his own stomach settling when he helps Nanase stand, one arm settled cautiously around his waist, and Nanase scowls at him.

“Well, Sunshine,” Sousuke says, “looks like we’re soulmates now.”

Nanase tugs away from him and sinks to his knees again, arms bracing his head above the toilet.

Sousuke does his best not to be offended by the reaction.

Chapter Text

It really doesn’t surprise him that their bond feels like being surrounded by water.  When he stops and thinks about it he realizes he probably would have been more surprised if it had worked and not been water.  The fact that it happened on accident while they were both in the middle of a nightmare also just seems so fitting for them.  Sousuke almost wishes that Rin knew they had been trying because it’s just the sort of conclusion that Rin would find hilariously appropriate and generally anticlimactic.

What does surprise him is the lingering throb of pain throughout his body.  It wasn’t just a general ache as if he had overexerted himself the day before.  It was a bone deep pain that was powerful enough to feel almost numbing at times.

“How long has it been this bad?”  

They’re on the couch, Nanase curled up on his end with his sketchbook and Sousuke stretched out along the rest of it half watching whatever is on the tv.  It’s been two days since their 3:30 AM bonding session and he’s glad that he had already planned on taking the week before his classes started up again off from work because honestly, right now he’s not sure he could focus enough on his job to be of any use.  Which is kind of sad since the most trying thing in general at his job is answering routine questions about hours and membership rates.

Nanase shrugs, barely even glancing up from his sketchbook.  “I don’t really know.”

He knows that he’s just getting a washed out version of the pain through the bond.  It’s been filtered and watered down and he can’t even begin to imagine living with this every day.  Forget living with the level he’s guessing Nanase has been living with.  No wonder he didn’t feel like dragging himself out of bed some days.

“The nausea?”

“A few months.”

“Everyday?”

“More or less.”

“The nightmares?”

He can feel the tension flooding from Nanase, vibrating through their bond.  But it’s not just tension.  There’s a touch of insecurity.  An underline of wariness.  All wrapped up in a weariness that contradicts the cool indifference in the look Nanase gives him.  

Sousuke decides against pointing out the obvious fact that there’s no point in putting on airs like this since he can honest to god feel the emotions churning between them and simply stares back.  He’s not really expecting an answer, he can already feel Nanase curling into himself, and he pushes himself up to go find something to eat.

He stops and sinks back down, surprised, when Nanase answers him.

“I had a few back in high school.”  He doesn’t have to explain when.  Sousuke knows exactly when Nanase hit his rough patch.  They had all hit a rough patch at about the same time. In hindsight that could have turned out a hell of a lot worse in the long run than it had.  “Maybe one or two right after I found out.”  Nanase’s eyes are glued to his sketchbook, pencil still gliding over it with a steady sureness that their bond tells Sousuke is not reflected in his mind.  “Then they started again five or six months ago.  Almost every night now.”

No wonder he always seemed so exhausted and unwilling to go to sleep.

He watches Nanase for a few minutes even though he knows for sure that he’s done talking about it this time.  Sousuke can read it in the set of his shoulders as easily as he can feel it through the bond.

When Nanase finally sighs irritably and raises his eyes to glare at Sousuke - the what the hell do you want now in that look would be obvious even to someone who just met Nanase - he grins and shakes his head - nothing - before getting up and heading into the kitchen.

“What about you?”  Nanase asks quietly when he settles back onto the couch with a tired sigh.

“What about me, what?”

Nanase tucks his pencil behind his ear and flips his sketchbook around.  Sousuke’s breath catches in his chest when he takes in the scene.  

“What about your nightmares?”

Featureless figures rise out of inky water and hover over a pale figure stretching their arm up to where the starry sky turns black and seeps into the horizon.

The water swells and surges between them and he shudders.

Rubbing at his shoulder he finally tears his eye up from the sketchbook and glares at the shuttered blue eyes behind it.  “Fuck you, Nanase.”

“No thank you.”

Nanase stands and tucks his sketchbook in his bag, leaving without another word.

Staring at the closed door he wonders if getting the will back to be a snarky asshole is a sign of recovery.

Classes start up again.  He goes back to work.  Life resumes its normal routine and everything’s pretty much the same.

Except for the constant pulse of water just at the edge of his mind no matter where he is and the surprising calmness he feels when he and Nanase are near each other.  Calmness around Nanase - calmness because of his presence - seems so far off from normal that it somehow comes full circle right back to normal.

A month passes.  Then two.  

Nanase isn’t getting any better really.  But he isn’t getting any worse either.  Sousuke thinks it might be because of the fact that while they certainly see a hell of a lot more of each other than he ever imagined possible they still really don’t spend much time together.  A couple nights a week at Sousuke’s apartment, maybe.  A brief encounter at the library.  The rare times that Sousuke will drop by Nanase’s place.  

Their bond is enough to keep Nanase alive for now but it’s not strong enough to heal him.

Three months pass and then four and then they’re well past the deadline that Nanase had been given.  If the bond wasn’t going to work at all he’d be attending Nanase’s funeral instead of attending classes.

It happens one night at work when he’s locking up, having spent the last hour doing nothing but flipping idly through his textbook and pretending to study even though there’s no one there to see him.  One moment he’s flicking the lock and rattling the door to make sure it locked properly and the next he’s sitting on the ground, heart pounding in his chest with the sound of water rushing through his ears.

He’s not sure exactly what emotions are churning and swirling and swelling out from Nanase, not with how far apart they are, and he moves on instinct.  He wavers for a moment at the train station - when the hell did he even get to the train station the last thing he remembers is being at work - trying to decide between his apartment and Nanase’s.

He takes a breath, feeling like his head is being constantly dunked underwater, and hops onto the train towards his place at the last moment.  He ignores the wary looks from the few other passengers at his ruffled appearance.  He’s used to the looks for the most part thanks to his size and natural sullen expression.

The closer he gets to his apartment the more he feels.  The swirling emotions are still darting towards him, past him, through him but they’re separating, spreading out and becoming clearer with each step.

Fear.  Anger.  Frustration.  Confusion.  Worry.  Pain.

Flashing past him like the flitting tails of fish seen out of the corner of his eye, distorted and blurred behind curved glass.

His apartment is dark and the door is unlocked, both of which don’t surprise him at all.

What surprises him is the sudden blow to his chest the moment he shuts the door behind him.

Nanase’s eyes are wide in the semi-darkness of Sousuke’s apartment, the only light is what’s coming from the streetlight just outside his window, but he can see the wildness in them.  Like there’s so much going on in Nanase’s mind that he can’t even stand it, can’t contain it.  Nanase’s fingers dig into his shirt and Sousuke swallows down the fear and anger that’s trying to crawl it’s way up his throat.  It’s not his but with Nanase so close, breathing heavily like he’s just done a hundred laps in the pool without stopping and practically vibrating with emotions, it’s hard to keep himself grounded.  Hard to keep his emotions from mirroring and joining up with Nanase’s and sending them both over the edge in a panic.

“You could at least let me take my shoes off before assaulting me.”  

There’s a sharp inhale and then Nananse’s fingers loosen, his emotions level off; they still whip about and batter at Sousuke but they don’t grow in intensity as Nanase steps back to watch him slip out of his shoes and hang his jacket up.  He heads to the couch with Nanase just a step or two behind.

He tosses his wallet and phone onto the end table nearest him, the one that always seems to have Nanase’s sketchbook on it, and drops onto the couch.  Before either of them can think about it, can make it awkward, he reaches up to snag Nanase’s wrist and pull him down on top of him.

It’s the most they’ve touched since the night their bond happened.  He expects Nanase to protest, to push away and grump to the other end of the couch like the fussy cat he seems to be some days.  But after a moment of tension Nanase lets out a breath and practically melts against Sousuke, head tucked against his neck, fingers of one hand finding their way up to tangle in his shirt again as Sousuke settles his arms around Nanase’s waist.  It’s warm and it’s been a long time since Sousuke’s curled up like this with someone but it’s comfortable.  Nanase’s breath is hot and damp against his neck but it’s slowing down, evening out like his emotions and Sousuke feels a little less like he’s at sea in a storm.

“So,” Sousuke keeps his voice quiet, “who peed your pool?”  That earns him a huff that sounds mildly offended but their bond calms even more and Sousuke lets himself relax into the couch.

Nanase’s voice doesn’t waver, but it’s low, his words slow and uncertain as he talks.  “I don’t know.”

“Know?”  Sousuke prompts after a few minutes of silence.

“What to do.  I...  I never planned to be alive now.”

Something cold and hard wrenches in Sousuke’s gut and he reminds himself that although he and Nanase have shared a lot of emotions and pain through their bond in the last months he still can’t even begin to fully understand the things Nanase’s gone through.  The things his mind has put him through.  Such as the fact that he’s been living the last few years with the expectation that he’d be dead right now.  His arms tighten around Nanase but he doesn’t protest, just takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out.

“And now I’m alive.  And we have this bond.  And I don’t,” Nanase huffs in frustration, “I don’t do people well and you’re right here under my skin.”  There’s more Nanase wants to say, needs to say, but if nothing else these days Sousuke is patient.  He lets Nanase sort his thoughts.  It’s obvious he isn’t used to explaining things to other people.  Especially things like what he’s feeling or thinking.  “And my brain gets stuck on that.  It’s hard to tell where my feelings are and where yours bleed into them.  Then I get stuck again.  Because now I have choices to make.  It’s like high school all over.  I have a future again and I just don’t know what to do with any of it.”

There’s still more.  He can feel it lingering in the blurred edges of their bond but he’s not sure if he should push for it or not.  This is the most Nanase has really talked to him about anything close to personal since that night he blew up at him all those months ago and even with their bond he’s not entirely sure just how far he can push before Nanase snaps shut again.

“Okay,” he murmurs and shifts, sliding Nanase a little more towards the back of the couch.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.  Okay.  You have all that again and it’s understandable to be freaked out.”  Nanase relaxes even more, somehow, and Sousuke takes a deep breath.  “What’s the rest of it?”  He never knew where the boundaries were until he pushed them.

Nanase is quiet long enough that Sousuke thinks that maybe he did cross the boundary even though their bond doesn’t feel strained at all.  “Makoto and Rin.”  The names are breathed across his skin and he shivers.  “They’re going to be upset.”

Sousuke stares up at the ceiling.  To be honest he hasn’t really thought much about it since that first night he went over to Nanase’s apartment and offered the bond.  In the back of his mind he, like Nanase, hadn’t even expected this to work so he had basically just shoved it to the back burner to be dealt with later.  He’s doesn’t know Tachibana that well but he’s pretty sure he will be more relieved that his best friend isn’t dead than anything else.  Maybe a little upset that they kept it from him but that’s probably it.  

But Rin...

“Rin will explode for a bit.  But he’ll be more pissed at me than you.  I’m sure of it.”  Nanase hums a tentative agreement and suddenly Sousuke feels exhaustion washing over him.  “That all?”

“For now,” Nanase mutters around a yawn obviously not intending to move from his spot.

Apparently, Sousuke thinks as he yawns too, their bond amplifies all sorts of emotions and feelings - exhaustion included.  He shuffles around a little and snags the blanket near their feet, noting the blinking light on his phone indicating he has texts to read.  Another yawn hits him, one deep enough that his jaw cracks a little, and he decides whatever it is can wait until morning.

Sou.  Im back in town for a few days.

Makotos worried abt Haru again.  I kinda am too & I wanna talk to you abt it.

Im gonna stop by in the morning.  We can do breakfast.  My treat for waking you up early.

Chapter Text

“What.  The actual.  Fuck?”

It’s been a long time since Sousuke has woken up to the sound of Rin’s voice raised in surprise.  The last time he can remember was at Samezuka when Rin came back after a long weekend away with his family and found Momo and Aiichirou both asleep in his bed with Sousuke asleep on the top bunk and popcorn and candy strewn everywhere.  There’s something mildly comforting about the confused tone and the seldom heard cursing.

Or maybe the comforting feeling is from the heavy warmth tucked against his side, the steady breath warm across his neck, the fingers gripping his shirt.

“Seriously,” Rin’s voice dives in to reel his mind to the surface and he blinks his eyes open blearily just as Nanase wakes and tenses against him.  “What.  The.  Fuck.”  A wave of nausea churns through him when he meets Rin’s gaze and he’s not completely sure that it’s simply from the bond with Nanase because there is a fire in Rin’s eyes that reminds Sousuke of some of their more intense fights.  The ones that were often just a hair shy of knock down drag out matches.

Nanase doesn’t scramble off of him but he does make a quick retreat down the hallway to the bathroom, blanket wrapped around his shoulders, the moment he’s fairly steady on his feet, never once looking at Rin.  

Sousuke sits up and rolls his shoulders.  He’s perfectly aware of Rin’s eyes on him, gaze heavy with unasked questions that he already knows Rin will demand answers to once he’s snapped out of his initial surprise.

He can probably guess what the messages on his phone from last night are or at least who they’re from.

“What time is it?”  He eyes his clock suspiciously, as if it’s lying to him, and checks his phone as well, sparing a quick glance at Rin’s messages.  “Six-thirty in the morning?  Seriously?  On a day I don’t have classes?”

Rin is still apparently stuck because he simply blinks a few times and nods when Sousuke asks if he was telling the truth about buying breakfast.  He leaves Rin standing by the couch and pads down the hallway to the bathroom.

“Hey, Nanase,” he says quietly as knocks on the door.  “Rin and I are gonna do breakfast.  You interested in joining?”

The door cracks open and he meets Nanase’s irritated eyes.  He can feel the worry floating under the frustration and nausea.

“No.”

“Alright.  Do you want me to tell him the truth?”  Nanase considers his offer, eyes growing distant before he nods once and then shuts the door again.  “Good,” Sousuke mutters to himself as he heads to his room and pulls on a change of clothes, “because I don’t think he’ll give up until he gets it.”

He splashes some water on his face in the kitchen and then grabs Rin and heads out.

“I didn’t even think you two got along.  When the hell did you start dating and why didn’t you tell me?”  

Sousuke nearly chokes on his coffee at Rin’s questions even though he’d been expecting them.  They had made it through breakfast without talking about what Rin walked in on.  Sticking with Rin’s classes and swimming and Sousuke’s worrying about what exactly he’s going to be doing when he’s finished at school.  

“We’re not.”

“Come on.  I just walked in on you two asleep on the couch.  Haru draped across you.  Your arms wrapped around him.”

“Rin.  We’re not dating.”

Rin glares down at his empty plate and then up at Sousuke.  “I’m not stupid.”

“I never said you were.”

“Is this why Haru’s been acting weird lately and worrying Makoto again?  Because the two of you have some little thing going on?”

“Rin,” Sousuke tries to butt in but Rin is on a roll right now so he sits back and lets him go.  Rin’s anger is quick, he reminds himself, and he’ll burn himself out nearly as fast as he got himself worked up so long as Sousuke lets him.

“No.  Is this some shitty thing because he doesn’t have long left anyway so it’s not like you have to put a ton of effort into it?  Are you just amusing yourself until he’s gone?  The two of you just playing around, passing time until he dies?  Seriously.  What the hell?  The last time I saw the two of you together you guys looked like you barely tolerated each other.  Makoto said at the aquarium that day you two were more at ease with each other but that was it.  There was still a distance between the two of you.  And now.  Now I walk into your apartment expecting to poke some fun at my best friend for being an idiot and forgetting to lock his door and wind up walking in on him and one of my other best friends asleep and practically spooning on the couch.”

Rin practically hisses out the last sentence and Sousuke raises his eyebrow with a sigh.  “Are you done?”  He asks as he leans forward and props his chin on his hand.

“Maybe.  Depends on what you have to say.”

“First of all.  We’re not dating.”

“You were asleep in each other’s arms, Sousuke.  Your phone and wallet were tossed on top of Haru’s sketchbook.  One of his precious sketchbooks that he doesn’t let anyone touch or see inside of and never leaves just laying around anywhere.  His shoes were jumbled in with yours.  That’s all pretty damn domestic for a couple of people who aren’t dating.  What other explanation is there?  Neither of you get that comfortable around people that quickly.”

That makes Sousuke pause because he never knew that Nanase normally kept his sketchbooks so private.  He’s always leaving them on Sousuke’s couch or end table, often opened to whatever he’s working on.  Sometimes flashing it in his face when Sousuke is being too personal or too irritating.  In fact the very first night he was at Nanase’s apartment to offer the bond he remembers that Nanase left him at his small table with his sketchbook wide open when he walked off to bed.

Rin is looking at him expectantly.  There’s no easy way to do this since he’s pretty sure that no matter how he approaches it Rin is going to get even more upset.  So he meets Rin’s eyes and says, “We’re bonded.”

Rin blinks a few times like he’s waiting for a punchline.  When Soususke doesn’t provide one he leans forward.  “Excuse me?”

“Nanase and I did a soulbond.”

“And you two didn’t bother telling either of your best friends because…?”

“One, soulbonds can be pretty personal.  Two, we weren’t sure it was going to work.  Three, neither of you would have approved.”

“Why wouldn’t we have approved?  I mean I’m surprised that the two of you, of all people, were in enough of a relationship to want to do a bond but if you’re happy I’m happy and I’m sure Makoto would feel the same.”

“There is no relationship.  We did it to try and keep Nanase alive.  No more no less.  No romance.  No happily ever after walking into the sunset.  And we didn’t want to tell anyone even after we managed to bond in case it didn’t work.”

Rin mulls this over and Sousuke is surprised that he hasn’t snapped at him again.  It’s probably just because this is such a jar to his system that his anger hasn’t caught up with his confusion yet.

“If you’re not in a relationship and don’t even like Haru.  Why would you bond with him?”

“Nanase is important to other people.  Some of whom are important to me.”

Rin’s breath catches and he turns pale.  Here it is.  The part that Sousuke’s known would be the part to push him over the edge.

“You… you… you did a soulbond with Haru because, what, because he’s one of my friends?  You wasted your soulbond on a whim.  On a chance that it might help Haru?  On someone who is definitely not your soulmate and you’re definitely not in love with?  And you didn’t tell either Makoto or I anything?  What the-  I, I can’t even-”  Rin stands and shakes his head but before he can storm off Sousuke snags his wrist.

“Three things,” he says quietly as he holds Rin’s gaze.  “He agreed with me.  He would have been dead a month ago if we didn’t do it.  You and I have always felt differently about soulbonds.”  

Rin yanks his hand away and leaves.

On his way home Sousuke pulls out his phone and texts Rin.

I know your pissed at me.  At both of us.  But don’t tell Tachibana.

He should hear about it from Nanase.  Not either of us.

Please.

Makoto should hear about it from Haru.  And he better hear about it soon.

I’m sure he will.  Thank you.

He doesn’t bother trying to apologize to Rin - not that he feels like he has anything to apologize for other than maybe for not telling him and Tachibana - because he knows Rin isn’t in a place to accept it right now.  He might not be for awhile.  It hurts.  It sucks.  But it’s the truth.  If Sousuke’s honest with himself he’s not sure Rin will ever fully forgive him for going about things they way he did.  He rolls his shoulder with a glare when he spots his apartment building, lost in memories.

There are a lot of things between them that they’ll never fully be able to forgive the other for.

Nanase is sitting on the couch when he gets back.  He can feel the insecurity and worry clearly before he even opens the door and when he settles onto the couch he wonders what emotions Nanase can feel radiating from him.  If his frustration at Rin’s refusal to never consider seeing soulbonds his way reaches him.  It’s not a new frustration.  He and Rin have never seen soulbonds and soulmates and love the same way and it’s always been a sore point between the two of them for nearly as long as he can remember.  He wonders if the niggling doubt that they actually made the right choice creeps through their bond.  The fear that maybe they just screwed things up for the both of them.  The bone deep aching worry that maybe they can’t fix anything.

Nanase sighs in irritation and sets his sketchbook and pencil on the end table behind him before shifting and sprawling into Sousuke’s lap, cheek pressed against his stomach and arms slipping around him.  Sousuke runs his fingers through Nanase’s hair and shuts his eyes.

“I’m meeting Makoto at my apartment for supper,” Nanase says after a few minutes.  He turns his head and presses against Sousuke’s hand when it stops moving.  Just like a cat, Sousuke thinks as his fingers comb through his hair again and Nanase continues talking.  “He knows something is up.  I just don’t know how to tell him.”

“You’ll figure it out.  You guys are best friends after all.  He’s fluent in your freaky Nanase-non-speech telepathy thing you guys have.”

“You and Rin are best friends.”

“Rin and I aren’t you and Tachibana.”

They stay on the couch most of the afternoon just watching crappy daytime tv shows and dozing, Nanase sprawled on top of Sousuke.

He doesn’t offer to join Nanase when he leaves.

He makes sure the volume is turned to max on his phone when he plugs it in and starts getting ready for bed not that he’s expecting Nanase to text him since he’s still not entirely sure Nanase even remembers he has a phone ninety percent of the time.  But just in case.

He gets one text just as he’s about to crawl into bed.

We need to talk Yamazaki-kun.  I’ll stop by after my classes tomorrow around 3.

Well shit.

Chapter Text

He can handle Rin’s fiery gaze, eyes ablaze with anger or excitement, with no problem.  Nanase’s hard to decipher near blank gaze isn’t an issue these days; he can’t read the minute differences between mildly irritated and flat out pissed off yet but their bond makes it easier.  He’s stared down teachers, classmates, thugs, punks, upperclassmen, underclassmen.

But he’s never had to actually face Tachibana’s scrutiny this close up before and to be honest it’s a little terrifying.

There’s something about the way those normally soft green eyes glint as Tachibana steps inside his apartment and slips off his shoes that sets Sousuke on edge.  Maybe he had been wrong when he assumed that Tachibana wouldn’t be as upset as Rin, that he’d be the more reasonable of the two.  Now that he stops and really thinks about it, Tachibana’s solid body taking up just as much space in the entryway as his own, he realizes that he really knows very little about Tachibana and his temperament.  

Tachibana follows him and settles down on the couch, refusing the offer of something to drink, and when he sits on the other end Tachibana lets out a sigh.

“Why?”

The single question is filled with so many other questions.  Why you?  Why not me?  Why didn’t I know?  Why was it a secret?

Sousuke shrugs and slumps back against the couch.

“I’m not looking for a happily ever after.  I never really ever have been.  I don’t see bonding and soulmates the way Rin does, the way I’m pretty sure you do.  To me bonding is more like donating blood.  Or something more permanent like donating an organ.”

“You and Haru-”

“Yeah I know.”  Sousuke tries not to snap at Tachibana but Rin’s anger from the day before was still simmering just under the surface and yeah, it still stung to know his best friend walked away from him like that.  “We never got along.  We’re enemies.  I’ve never cared about him.  Whatever.  He’s important to you guys, to Rin, and if me bonding with him and maybe living in the same apartment as him for a year gives you guys another twenty years to be friends then it’s worth it.”

Tachibana watches him, those green eyes sharp and observant and Sousuke has tries his best not to squirm under that gaze, and finally nods.  

“You know Haru isn’t as cold as people think he is.”

“Neither am I,” Sousuke mutters.  It would be easier if he was. If he was the cold-hearted bastard most people seemed to initially think he was he never would have gotten involved with all of this and wouldn’t be slumped on his couch like a child waiting for his parents to finish scolding him.  

All because he decided to help Nanase.

“Fair enough.”  Tachibana folds his hands in his lap and studies them as he continues slowly, like he’s thinking through each sentence as he says it.  “I think I get where you two are coming from.  I can’t say I completely understand or approve.  But I do understand the desire to help and protect if nothing else.”  He scrunches his nose like he’s trying to decide how to phrase everything just right.  “It’s never been easy to understand where Haru is coming from, how he figures things out in his mind, even with as long as we’ve been friends.”  He sighs and glances back up to Sousuke.  “Has he told you why he agreed to do it?”

Sousuke shakes his head.  “No.  But if I had to guess I’d go with he didn’t expect it to work but it was still one final chance so why not.”  Tachibana looks pleasantly surprised.

“That’s actually pretty close to what told me was his reason.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes collecting their thoughts and Sousuke thinks that all the stoic blankness of Nanase’s face somehow doesn’t even compare to Tachibana.  Sure Tachibana’s neutral expression looks open and friendly but it simply helped to draw notice away from his observant gaze and the way his head tilted a certain way when he started getting frustrated or worried.

“Rin’s pissed off,” Sousuke states conversationally as he traces patterns on his jeans.  Tachibana makes a noise of acknowledgment but doesn’t say anything.  “At Nanase but mostly at me.  Which I can handle.”  His short laugh sounds strained even to him.  “If a year goes by that the two of us don’t have some sort of huge fight it feels wrong somehow.  This might take a little longer for us to work out but we’ll manage.”  He takes a deep breath and meets Tachibana’s eyes.  He can’t believe he’s saying this.  This stupid bond is obviously screwing him up.  Making him cuddly and emotional and… protective.  “If you have to be pissed off at someone.  Make it me.  Not Nanase.  He.  Well he doesn’t need his best friend pissed off at him.  Not right now.  He’s worried enough now that he suddenly has a wide open future again and he doesn’t need the stress of his best friend mad at him on top of the rest of it.”

Tachibana inhales sharply and tenses for a moment.  He breathes out, voice soft, a moment later.  “I’m, I’m not mad at him.  Not really.  Haru knows that.  I mean, how can I really be mad at my best friend for wanting to live a little longer?”

“He knows but does he know?  As in he actually believes it?”

Tachibana watches him closely as he stands and then heads for the door, Sousuke following a moment later.  “I’ll keep that in mind.  For the record, Yamazaki-kun,” he says casually as he slips into his shoes and bends to tie the laces, “while I am not mad at Haru per se, I am pissed about the way this all happened.”  He straightens and meets Sousuke’s eyes and something in them makes him remember the nickname that Rin had said they gave Makoto at one point: Killer Whale.  The strength despite his gentle appearance, the will the do whatever it takes in the end even if it got messy, the glint of pure fire in his eyes.  They all screamed predator.  “But right now that isn’t important.  Haru is what’s important.  Please don’t forget that.”

The last sentence feels more like a threat than a request, even with the small smile Tachibana gives him as he shuts the door, and Sousuke runs his hand through his hair.  He wonders if Tachibana will remember to heed his own words.

Chapter Text

Not quite a year after that first 3 AM visit to Nanase’s apartment - somewhere around ten or eleven months he thinks - he’s there at 3 AM yet again.  This time he follows Nanase through the door wearily, already dreading the unpacking and organizing that will fill the rest of his week off as he toes off his shoes and shuffles behind the shorter man.  The tiredness and the aches are as much his own as they are Nanase’s.  When he turns to glance back when Sousuke nearly trips over his own feet he can see the weariness in Nanase’s eyes.

“I hate you so much,” Sousuke grumbles.  “So, so much.  I could be in my own bed right now.  Asleep.”  Nanase hands him a bottle of water and gestures for him to follow him to the bathroom where he digs out a bottle of pain relievers.  Sousuke swallows a couple and sticks the bottle back on the empty shelf.  He follows Nanase to his bedroom and flops down face first on the bed.  Not even caring that he’s fully clothed and taking up the entire mattress.

“That is my bed you know.”  Nanase doesn’t even pause in gathering pajamas and wandering back out of the room, obviously not waiting for an answer.  Sousuke yawns and stretches, dozing lightly until Nanase comes back in so he doesn’t have to raise his voice.

“If I’m helping you move all your shit into the new apartment tomorrow, uh, today, whatever.  I want a decent night’s sleep.  You insisted on dragging me here tonight.  I’m sleeping on a bed.”

“Don’t steal my blankets.”

“I’m sleeping on top of them.  I doubt I’ll steal them.”

It doesn’t take much time at all for both of them to fall asleep.  They had spent the afternoon moving most of Sousuke’s stuff out of his apartment into the one their new one.  

It had taken the better part of a month for them to finally decide to go ahead and rent something together; Sousuke’s lease was ending and Nanase rarely wanted to go home to his own apartment anyway so it made sense.  Plus if Nanase was going to get any healthier from their bond - which was kind of the whole point of it - they needed to be together as much as possible.  Which, with their respective best friends taking some time away from them to sort out their feelings about their decisions, was turning out easier than expected.

Sousuke blinks awake slowly as the sounds of a generic ringtone fill the air.

“Nanase,” he grumbles, poking at the lump under the blankets.  “Nanase make your phone shut up.”

“You do it.”  

The ringing stops and he almost sighs in relief until it starts back up again.  He rolls onto his back to reach over and grab the phone and almost yelps in surprise when he starts to fall off the bed.  Apparently in the few hours they’ve been asleep Nanase has been tossing and turning enough that he’s pushed Sousuke almost all the way to the edge of the bed.  The few times they’ve fallen asleep sprawled together on his couch he’s always wound up falling onto the floor, or nearly falling, but he just figured that was mostly because of his large frame and his not so large couch.  He had never figured Nanase to be such a restless sleeper.

“Share the freaking bed would you?”  Sousuke carefully reaches out for the phone and pushes Nanase away from him at the same time.

“‘s my bed.”

“And it’s your phone.  But I don’t see you doing anything about that.”  He gives up trying to move Nanase and just rolls over him to the empty side of the bed, ignoring the indignant huff when he flops onto Nanase for a moment before finishing his roll.  The phone stops ringing for a second time and then starts up again moments later.  “Who the hell needs to talk to you this badly at stupid o’clock in the morning?”

“Answer it and find out.”  The caller id shows Ryugazaki which, Sousuke supposes, could be worse.

“Hello?”

“You ignored me twice Haru-chan.”  Speaking of worse.  “But you answered Rei-chan’s number in like two rings.  So unfair!”

“It’s Hazuki,” Sousuke hisses.  He’s trying to uncover Nanase’s head so he can shove the phone into his face and accidentally switches it to speaker.

“Haru-chan?  Did you just answer the call and put the phone on the table again?  That’s rude you know.”  What Sousuke thinks is Ryugazaki’s voice is in the background, probably trying to get his phone out of Hazuki’s sugary clutches.

“Nanase take your damn phone.”

“No.”

“Haru-chan?  Who is that?”  Hazuki’s voice drops from cheery to something sly.  “Did you have a sleepover Haru-chan?”

“Nanase.”  He finally gets his fingers around the top of the blanket and yanks it down to reveal that familiar scowl.

“Yamazaki.  Give me back my blanket.”  He hasn’t heard that particular icy tone to Nanase’s voice in awhile.  “Now.”

“Sorry,” Sousuke smirks, “Hazuki’s on the phone for you.  It seems urgent.”

Dropping the phone on Nanase’s face may have been a slightly childish move, along with dragging the blanket off the bed when he stands to go to the bathroom.  But he’s sure Nanase deserves it.

“Haru-chan?  Was that Sou-chan?”  Hazuki’s voice follows him out of the room and he smiles even wider at the tendril of fondness for the blond he can feel through their bond when Nanase responds.

“Is this payback for dropping the phone on your face?  Because this feels a bit extreme.”

“You made me talk to him.”  He wouldn’t even have to be bonded to the asshole to feel the smugness radiating off of him right now.

Sousuke watches as Hazuki zips past them up the stairs to their new apartment with far too many boxes stacked in his arms as Ryugazaki hurries after him.  The only comfort is that they’re Nanase’s belongings and not his so if the blond winds up taking a tumble and using them to break his fall it’s not like it’s anything precious to him.  

Part of him had been surprised when Nanase came out of his room that morning smiling softly.  Most of him had been suspicious.  Even more so when there was a knock at the door just as he was finishing his breakfast and rinsing off the plate.  Before either of them could even move to answer it the door had been flung open and the whirlwind that was Hazuki Nagisa had burst into Nanase’s apartment.

Hazuki and Ryugazaki had seemed surprised to see him there and were quite obviously surprised when they told them they were bonded now.  Hazuki’s eyes had narrowed and he had studied the both of them, Ryugazaki behind him nodding slowly as they told them the basics - actual details would surely be forced out later - and then he declared that since they had come to help Haru-chan move they might as well get started.

“You were tired enough after moving your stuff yesterday.  Nagisa and Rei like helping.  With them we can be done moving just about everything today.”  Nanase shrugs and then narrows his eyes when the wave of surprise rolls through Sousuke.  “What?”

“Nothing.  That was thoughtful of you.”

“I just don’t want to listen to you whining all day.”

“And there goes the thoughtfulness.”

They share almost matching smirks for a moment until Hazuki leans over the landing and shouts down at them.

“Haru-chan!  Sou-chan!  Where do you want all these boxes?  Can I open some of them?”

By the time they’ve moved basically everything from Nanase’s old apartment into their new shared one the sun is low in the sky.  Nanase and Ryugazaki are in the kitchen organizing and unpacking and cooking something and Hazuki is flopped across the cushions, head dangerously close to using Sousuke’s thigh as a pillow.  Sousuke isn’t one to wax poetic about things but sitting on his couch right now- which Hazuki and Ryugazaki had been generous enough to help move over - feels so much like a new start that he can’t help the sigh of contentment that slips from him as the sunset paints the wall behind the tv shades of gold.

“Hey, Sou-chan?”

“No matter how much I tell you not to call me that it’s not going to change anything is it?”

“Nope,” Hazuki huffs quietly and inches over to bump his head into Sousuke’s knee.

“You’re going to be using my leg for a pillow in the next five minutes aren’t you?”

“Yep.”

He wonders when he had reached the point where he just simply accepted this sort of thing.  This closeness.  Then he remembers his childhood with Rin and the year at Samezuka with Momo and acknowledges that he’s always kind of accepted this kind of physical closeness.  

“What did you want to ask me?”

“How close did we come to losing Haru-chan?”

Something catches in his throat and he swallows hard.  Hazuki shifts and drops his head onto Sousuke’s thigh, fingers of one hand wedging under Sousuke’s leg in the process.  Like he was trying to get as close as Sousuke would let him in preparation for the response.  Like Sousuke’s nearness would help soften the reality of how close he had been to attending his friend’s funeral instead of being here helping him move into a new apartment.  

Looking down at the blond hair fluffed out against his leg he can suddenly start to understand the affection that always seemed to tinge Rin’s voice when he talked about Hazuki.  All this energy and exuberance and sunshine packed into a tiny body that hides a core of steel.  Easily cutting straight to the question that no one else seemed willing to even tiptoe around and ripping it out into the light of day.  There was something about Hazuki that made Sousuke want to be completely honest, want to share the details of what they did and why.  Something that made him feel like, if anyone, Hazuki would understand.

He hadn’t realized he had been wanting someone to hear what they decided and tell them they made the right choice, that he’d been waiting for someone to acknowledge their decision until he was sitting there debating patting Hazuki’s head and hoping for exactly that.

Sousuke could easily spout out something truthful but still kind of airy and safe like “too close” or “closer than you know” and he opens his mouth to say just that.

What comes out is a hard truthful, “A couple months.  Maybe less.”  Hazuki takes a shuddering breath and he feels warm tears soaking into his jeans.  Something clatters in the kitchen and he gives in and drops his hand onto Hazuki’s head.

“Nagisa?”  Ryugazaki kneels in front of the couch a moment later and Sousuke glances up, meeting Nanase’s eyes where he’s hovering in the doorway.  He reads the worry and uncertainty in his eyes almost as easily as he feels it through the bond.  But there’s something else hiding at the edges.  Something he can tell that Nanase is trying to shove away and keep from him as he glances away.  Sousuke concentrates, reaches through their connection tentatively, and finds… guilt?  Nanase’s gaze snaps to him and then he retreats into the kitchen.

“Rei.”  Hazuki’s voice is watery and wavering but it’s the dropping of the honorific that makes Sousuke uncomfortable.  Like he’s intruding on something more private than he should be.  He ruffles Hazuki’s hair and then nudges him off his leg so he can stand.

“Come get us when you’re ready,” he says softly and Ryugazaki gives him a grateful smile and nod.  Sousuke joins Nanase in the kitchen but mostly just stays out of his way.  Only stepping in to help when Ryugazaki eventually calls out to them and Nanase prepares their plates.

It’s a quiet meal.  Hazuki and Ryugazaki keep sneaking glances at Nanase who ignores them, eyes on his plate as he picks at the food.  Sousuke ushers them away from the table when they’re done and he sees Hazuki drag Nanase to the couch and climb into his lap almost before his butt even hits the cushions.  He clears the table to give them some time to talk or hug or cry or whatever it was that they needed right now.  He’s not catching anything too uncomfortable or unhappy through their bond so he focuses on cleaning up the dishes and wiping down the kitchen.

“Thank you.”

Sousuke freezes and grips the dish towel in his hand so tight his knuckles whiten, unable to even turn around and face the doorway.  Ryugazaki’s voice is rough with emotion and he can feel his own chest tightening in response.

“Yamzaki-san.  Thank you so much.  None of this could have been easy for you.  Not the decision, not the bonding itself, the after effects, the fallout.  So.  Thank you for bringing Haruka-senpai back to us.”

Until he was standing there blinking surprised tears away as he stared down at the empty sink he hadn’t realized he had been almost desperately waiting for those words from someone.

After Ryugazaki goes back to the living room it takes Sousuke a good ten minutes to compose himself enough to feel comfortable joining them.  Not like they all didn’t know already how much what Ryugazaki said affected him but he just isn’t comfortable showing that level of emotion to other people and thankfully no one seems to be bothered by that.  No one else comes in to talk to him or check on him.

When he finally joins them Nanase is on his end of the couch with his back against the armrest and Hazuki settled in his lap.  They’re both turned to face the middle of the couch where Ryugazaki is and the three of them are talking quietly.  He hesitates in the doorway for a moment before Nanase’s eyes catch his and then drop to the empty spot at the other end of the couch.  

Sousuke’s end of the couch.  

It’s almost a little strange that something like having one end of the couch designated as “his” is comforting.  But as he settles onto his end a feeling of rightness sweeps through him.  Like this is where he belongs right now.  In this room with these people around him.  He can’t fill the void where Rin is supposed to be, though he can practically picture him sitting on the floor in front of the couch whining that everyone else is on the couch and they should get a bigger one so they can all sit somewhere comfortable.  He can also almost see Tachibana shaking his head and telling Rin that it’s Nanase and Sousuke’s place not his so they can have whatever furniture they liked.

A wave of loneliness sweeps over him and Nanase shifts a little.

“So why aren’t Mako-chan and Rin-chan helping you move?”

There Hazuki goes with dragging the hard questions right out into the open again.

“Nagisa-kun!”  Ryugazaki chides, eyes darting over to Sousuke and then to Nanase.

“It’s a fair question, Rei-chan!”

“It is a fair question,” Nanase says quietly and then shrugs.  “Makoto knew we were moving.”

“Rin is still pissed at me.”  Sousuke offers when they glance at him.  “I shot him a text letting him know we were looking at places but I never heard anything out of him.”

Hazuki frowns and tilts his head.  The image he presents is so much like a puppy that Sousuke actually finds himself wanting to scoop him up for a hug.  Nanase responds to the feelings and drops his chin onto Hazuki’s shoulder and settles an arm around his waist for him.  “Why are they so mad?”

“If I may?”  Ryugazaki glances between them before continuing.  “Makoto-senpai and Rin-san have very different feelings about soulbonds than Yamazaki-san and Haruka-senpai do.  They all feel strongly about their various opinions but where Makoto-senpai and Rin-san view bonds as very romantic and special Yamazaki-san and Haruka-senpai view them from a more practical standing.  Correct?”

“That sounds about right.”  Sousuke raises his eyebrows at Nanase who drops his chin in a slight nod of agreement.

“Okay.”  Hazuki frowns again.  “So what?  They’re mad just because they have different opinions?  Rei-chan and I have different opinions about our bond but that doesn’t change anything about it.”

“That’s a small part of it,” Sousuke says, “but I’m not one hundred percent sure about what the rest of it is.”

“Not telling them about the bond perhaps?  They would take it a bit more personally if you kept it a secret from them than Nagisa-kun and I did.”

Hazuki nods sagely.  “Oh, yeah.  Secrets are bad Sou-chan.”  

His hand drifts towards his shoulder and he can’t quite keep the scowl off his face.  Especially when Ryugazaki gets a thoughtful shine to his eyes.

“Makoto,” Nanase starts, drawing their attention, and then frowns a little.  “He doesn’t seem really mad anymore.  But he’s keeping me at a distance.”

“Mako-chan doesn’t like confrontation,” Hazuki says thoughtfully.  “Maybe he’s just afraid to talk to you ‘cause he thinks you guys will be mad at him for getting mad at you.”

“Maybe,” Nanase mumbles and huffs out a sigh.

“But enough of that.  How are you feeling Haru-chan?  Better?  Have you been swimming lately?  Can I see what you’ve been drawing?”

Hazuki bounces in Nanase’s lap expectantly and after a minute Nanase sighs and pushes him out of his lap.  Sousuke sees the tiny smile on his lips as he leaves and gestures for Hazuki to follow him.  A similar fond smile lingers on Ryugazaki’s lips as he watches them disappear down the hallway towards Nanase’s bedroom.  They sit in silence for a few minutes just listening to the muffled sounds of Hazuki chattering away down the hall.

Ryugazaki turns towards him and studies him for a moment.  “Would you be upset if I tried talking to Rin-san about this?”

“Why would I be upset?”

“Well he is your best friend and this is a rather personal matter.”

“From what I’ve heard about what you did back in high school you would talk to him anyway.”  Ryugazaki looks a little uneasy until Sousuke laughs.  “And you’d probably knock a hell of a lot more sense into him than I could right now.  I don’t expect him to be one hundred percent okay with what we did.  I know his feelings on bonds.  And I know that not telling him was very much a dick move.  But it was the choice Nanase and I made and I refuse to feel guilty about it.”

“If you don’t mind hearing my opinion,” Ryugazaki waits for Sousuke to nod before continuing, “I think that Rin-san is probably worried that this will have some sort of fall out.  To be blunt keeping secrets from each other has hurt the two of you a lot and honestly no one would have blamed either of you for not wanting to repair your friendship back in high school.  Rin-san hurt you when he moved and cut off contact.  You hurt him when you didn’t tell him about your shoulder.  Deep down he’s most likely worried that that this will have similar unpleasant consequences somehow.”

“The only unpleasant consequence I can see out of this is being stuck living with Nanase for the foreseeable future.”

“If you truly found Haruka-senpai to be such unpleasant company you never would have made the offer Yamazaki-san.”

Had anyone told his high school self that he’d one day be soulbound to Nanase sitting in their shared apartment next to Ryugazaki actually enjoying himself and feeling almost content he would have laughed so hard he burst something.

Then he would have asked why Rin wasn’t in that picture.

“When was the last time you went swimming?” He asks after Nagisa and Rei leave that night.  

He knew that once Nanase had started getting sicker he hadn’t wanted to swim around anyone else, preferring the company of the water alone.  Which was fine.  He was apparently such a promising art student that once he got to the point where he stopped regularly attending classes they had allowed him to work from home at his own pace and even though he was no longer on the team he was given special permission to use the pool when he liked.  

But once he had gotten too sick he wasn’t allowed to use the school’s facilities without supervision for fear that he’d get too weak and potentially hurt himself.

So unless he’s been sneaking into the pool - which honestly wouldn’t surprise Sousuke any - or finding somewhere else to swim Sousuke figures it’s probably been close to seven months since Nanase had last been swimming.  Which just felt wrong to imagine even to him.

Nanase shrugs and wanders down the hallway to his room.  Well, Sousuke thinks as Nanase’s door shuts with a solid thunk, that’s the end of that discussion.  But it does give him an idea.

The next day they get the rest of their things moved and continue unpacking and organizing their stuff.  It’s quiet and easy and neither of them mention the darkness of the lack of their respective best friends that hangs over them.  

Sousuke makes a few phone calls throughout the day and the next night he drags a reluctant Nanase with him when he leaves.

“Where are we going?”

“I have to finish some paperwork at work for my change of address and stuff.”

“And I have to come because…?”

“Fresh air will do you good.  Other than moving you’ve been cooped up in one apartment or the other for weeks now.  You’re going to start fermenting in there soon or something.”

Nanase balks and pouts but lets Sousuke pull him along once he promises they can stop by the shop on the way home that specializes in high quality fish and other meats.

Sousuke nods to the girl behind the counter and heads to the office where his boss had left the forms on his desk for him to finish.  Nanase’s eyes wander the room as Sousuke drops into the chair and starts filling everything out.  Nanase tenses a little when the girl pokes her head in a half hour later.

“You gonna be much longer?  I got everything else all locked up already.”

“Uh probably another half hour or so.  There’s more here than I thought.” Sousuke barely glances up.  “If you need to head home I can lock up the office when I’m done and let myself out.  I have my keys on me.”

“That would be awesome!  I have two huge tests coming up that I still need to cram a bit for.”

“Yeah.  Go.”  Sousuke waves her away, ignoring the questioning vibes drifting along the bond from Nanase.

“Thanks, Sousuke-kun!”

Nanase stares at him suspiciously as he continues filling out forms.  “What’s really going on?”

“You’re going swimming and I’m finishing the handful of forms that I’ve been putting off for months that my boss is ready to kill me for not finishing sooner.”

“I’m what?”

Sousuke swivels the chair around to reach into the filing cabinet and dig out a small gym bag that he tosses to Nanase.

“You’re going swimming.  Boss gave me permission so long as I lock up when you’re done and he won’t be held responsible if anything happens to you.”

Nanase opens the bag cautiously as if it’s some trick and there’s some rabid dog inside it ready to snap his fingers off the moment he unzips the bag.  The sight of his jammers and a towel makes him go completely still.

Sousuke has never seen Nanase’s eyes so clear and blue and full of emotion, not even when he had been inches away from him yelling at him all those months ago, and for a moment he can almost grasp that unwavering loyalty Nanase’s friends have in him, the admiration, the pure adoration.  Those eyes shine and Sousuke feels like he’s done something far kinder and greater than simply letting someone swim while he finishes some paperwork.

Nanase’s eyes shutter ever so slightly and his eyes dart from the bag in his hand to the pile of papers in front of Sousuke, a silent what about you darting between them.

“Go.  I’m sure the water misses you.  I’ll finish this and come make sure you haven’t drowned in a bit.”

“The water wouldn’t drown me,” Nanase states matter-of-factly as he turns and leaves.  Sousuke doesn’t think he runs down the hallway towards the pool but he’s pretty sure he power walks if nothing else.

Chapter Text

How do i get him out of the pool?

Tachibana?  Please help me with this.

“Nanase I’m not joking.  Get out.”

“You told me to swim,” is the immediate response echoing around the room, practically mocking Sousuke.  He had been really sure he had properly thought this through when he came up with the idea a month ago.  There hadn’t been any problems the first couple weeks.  Nanase would swim for an hour or two after closing, sometimes starting before closing if no one else was around, and then come out with no problem.  

But now… now Nanase refused to come out.  Last time it had taken forty-five minutes and the creative - and lucky - use of the pool life hook to drag him out.  Tonight Nanase is staying far enough away from the edges that Sousuke can’t reach him.

Smugness surrounds Sousuke and bats at him playfully while a sense of belonging and calm soothe at his frayed nerves.

“Seriously Nanase.  I am exhausted.  I want to go home.”

“Then go.”

“I can’t leave you here alone.  That was part of the deal.”

He’s answered with a quiet splash as Nanase dives under in a perfect turn and pushes off the opposite end of the pool.  Nanase is able to stay underwater after the turn far longer than he had been able to be when they started this, Sousuke notes as he debates whether or not he can snag Nanase when he goes for the turn on this end, and Sousuke lets the inkling of relief seep into him and plant roots because Nanase is finally getting better.  He did something - they did something - right and it was working out.

His phone buzzes in his hand as he watches Nanase’s turn.  Not quite as perfect and smooth and effortless as he had been in high school but it still had a natural grace and talent that set him on edge a bit.  That slight twinge in his stomach and fluttering in his veins like he was in the presence of something far more precious than he could grasp.

You got him into a pool?  Without a retrieval plan?

All my plans have been used up in the last 2 weeks

He’s been swimming again that long?

Yes & I’m paying for it w/ my sanity & sleep

Where did you get him swimming at?

At the athletic center I work at. boss said as long as he doesn’t get hurt & i lock up we’re free to use it.

But staying 4+ hrs after work 4 nights/week for the last 2 weeks is getting exhausting even for me

Each time Nanase comes close to him his phone buzzes and draws his attention away and if Sousuke didn’t know any better he’d say somehow he was planning it that way.

I can be there in about 40 minutes if you’d like.

Thank you. come around to the back the emergency door is propped open.

I’ll let you know if i get him out & you can come to the apt instead?

Sousuke can feel eyes on him and he glances up from his messages.  Nanase is at the other end of the pool watching him.  It’s hard to tell for sure since they only have the minimal lights required on and the room is swimming in shadows but Nanase looks like he wants to ask something.

“When was the last time you went swimming?”

“Why?”  Nanase stares at him a moment longer and then shrugs, glancing out of the windows.  There’s no malice behind the words.  He can read that on Nanase even without the bond.  It’s just simple curiosity.  Which, coming from Nanase, makes the question a little easier to answer without that usual twinge of regret and frustration ripping through him.  He groans and rubs his face with one hand as he tosses his phone towards their bags.  “Not since I finished my last physical therapy sessions.”

“That would have been -”

“About a year after graduation, yeah.”

“Then the nightmares?”

“About that long,” Sousuke bites out, defensive as Nanase’s eyes drift back to him.  “Why does it matter?  You need to get out of the pool so we can go home.”

“You should swim.”

“I’m not swimming.  Just get your ass out of the pool.”

“The water will forgive you for being gone so long.”  Nanase bobs slightly at the other end of the pool, like he’s growing impatient to start more laps or float around again.  “Swim.”

“Oh did the water tell you that,” Sousuke snaps sarcastically earning a raised eyebrow from Nanase.  Then Nanase, surprisingly, swims down to his end of the pool.  A smooth surge of easy strokes and then he’s shaking the water from his hair and blinking up at Sousuke.

“No.”  His voice is hushed like he’s sharing a secret.  “But you don’t have to be afraid of the water.  It’s not going to hurt you.”  He sticks his hand up in a gesture that Sousuke remembers seeing a lot in high school and he reaches down to grab him in Tachibana’s place.  “Especially not when I’m here.”  There’s a flash of something mischievous and playful in Nanase’s eyes that sparks through their bond the instant their skin meets and Sousuke has time to gulp in a breath of air before he’s falling.

He panics as he sinks down - lungs burning in his chest and vision turning dark - until Nanase wraps a hand around his wrist and tugs him back up.  He’s sputtering and coughing as he breaches the surface, water dripping off his hair and into his eyes, running off the tip of his nose.  He blinks away water as his eyes dart around, catching sight of the stars shining outside as he tries to find the source of his current frustrations.  His clothes feel like seaweed clinging to his skin as he tries to shake off the fragments of nightmares slithering across him.

“Haru I am going to drown you in the water you love so much.”

Warmth drenches him, washing away the slippery eels of fear, as Nanase laughs softly before calling out.  “You have to catch me first, Sousuke.”  A body darts past him and nudges his legs, throwing him off balance and he nearly goes back under.  Sousuke spins around, trying to figure out where he went and scowls when he pops up a few feet away, just out of arm’s reach.

“You are going to get it.”

“Not really feeling too threatened here.”

Sousuke surges forward and feels warm skin slip past his fingertips and winds up with a handful of water and a splash across his face which he knows wasn’t necessary.  He’s seen Haru’s form after all.  He knows how he can glide through the water.  He tracks the motion forward and to his left but is hit with a splash of water to the back of his head before he can turn.

“Haruka,” he grits out.  The blue eyed fish in question pops up just outside his reach again and tilts his head, tiny smile settled across his lips.  Sousuke opens his mouth to tell Haru to get his ass out of the pool and gets splashed in the face.  He sputters and coughs, eyes narrowing as Haru’s smile grows a touch.  Sousuke launches himself forward as Haru’s eyes widen and he moves to slip to the side.  He manages to just hook his arm around Haru’s waist and lets out a triumphant shout when he does.  A grouchy whine slips from Haru and his body goes limp, face barely above the water as he flops forward over Sousuke’s arm.

“I thought you were planning on getting him out of the pool not joining him in it, Yamazkai-kun.”

Haru stiffens at Tachibana’s voice.  Sousuke can feel the tentative joy creeping through him at the sound of his friend’s voice teasing and playful.  The worry of whether or not he and Tachibana were going to be okay again.  The curiosity of why Tachibana is here.

“Well I was trying to.  But he had other plans and I should have known it was too easy when he willingly swam up to me and stuck his hand out.”

Tachibana laughs, full and pure and knowing, and Haru relaxes again and lets Sousuke drag him towards the edge of the pool where Tachibana is waiting with his hand held out and a fond smile on his face.  Sousuke blinks in surprise when the hand is back after Haru is out and he looks up at Tachibana’s smile and sees the same fondness for Haru in it when he looks at Sousuke.  He takes the offered hand and lets Tachibana help him out of the pool.

A towel smacks him in the face a moment later.

“Haru!”  Tachibana scolds and Sousuke laughs at the normality of the whole thing.

Luckily he has a change of clothes shoved in one of the lockers, minus underwear but he’d rather go commando than be stuck in wet clothes the entire trip back to the apartment, and he changes while Haru dries off and pulls his clothes on over his suit.  The train ride back is mostly spent listening to Tachibana scolding Haru about keeping Sousuke out so late so often and not overdoing it in the pool.

They’re stepping out of the station - having decided that Tachibana was staying the night with them before they even left the athletic center - when Sousuke’s phone buzzes.

Sou-chan!!! Rei-chan is coming over with Rin-chan right now!!!

I’m heading back from the station. finally got the dolphin out of the pool

Did Mako-chan help like I told him to??  Ive been talking to him for weeeeeks about just going and talking to Haru-chan.  Told him you two werent mad at him or anything.

I might have gotten him out myself but Tachibana did show up to help

Thank you Nagisa.

Dont thank me or Rei-chan til you get through with Rin-chan too!!

And no need to thank us even then.  Youre all our friends Sou-chan and we all need to stick together!!

“Good news?” Tachibana asks as they round the corner to their apartment.  When Sousuke glances over in confusion he adds on, “You were smiling.”

“Ah.  Apparently Rin is being brought over tonight as well.”  He laughs and rubs his neck.  “Looks like I won’t be getting any sleep tonight after all.”  His phone buzzes yet again.

Oh and dont keep Rei-chan too long.  I cant hold myself back from eating all this dessert by myself forever after all!!

We’ll send him back asap i promise. try not to make yourself sick on sugar

SOU-CHAN YOU DO CARE!!! :D :D :D

“Rei might not be getting much sleep either,” Haru mutters as he bumps Sousuke’s elbow leaning over to read his messages.

“Excuse you my messages not yours.”  Sousuke holds the phone above Haru’s head and types out a quick reply to Nagisa and a message to Rei that they were almost back to the apartment.

Good.  We will be there in about five minutes.

Please be prepared because Rin-san is not very pleased with me right now.

Sousuke sighs as he unlocks the door and they all slip out of their shoes.  He leaves the other two so he can change out of his old gym clothes and into some clean stuff.  They’re in the kitchen when he comes back out to a knock at the door.

“You two are more than welcome to make yourselves scarce for the initial blow up,” he says and takes a deep breath.

He opens the door and grunts as Rin is pushed forward straight into his chest.

“I apologize Sousuke-san but Rin-san and I have had enough discussion for today and I need to leave him in your care before either of us say anything further that we may regret.”  Rei gives him a terse nod and turns around without another word.

“Get back here,” Rin growls and spins around to go after him but Sousuke catches his elbow and reaches past him to shut the door.  “Let me go Sousuke I’m not done yet.”

“It sounded like he was done.  Besides he’s probably already outside and a block away already.  At least.”  Rin struggles for a little longer and then lets out a long breath and calmly pulls himself out of Sousuke’s grip.  Sousuke steps back into the kitchen doorway and asks if one of them would let Nagisa know Rei was on his way back and probably tense from his conversation with Rin.

“Sure thing,” Tachibana says and then peeks out of the kitchen.  “Hi Rin.”  Rin freezes for a moment and the gives a half wave.

“Hey Makoto.”

Sousuke gestures for Rin to follow him and heads past the kitchen to his room.

Rin has his fingers tangled in Sousuke’s shirt as soon as the door shuts and he shoves him into it.  “You are such an asshole.”

“I know,” Sousuke says quietly.  Tears gather in Rin’s eyes and Sousuke wraps his fingers around Rin’s wrist.

“Why didn’t you tell me?  Either of you?  Why do you always keep secrets from me?”

“Be honest, Rin.  If I had told you I had offered Haru a soulbond simply to possibly keep him alive what would you have said?”

“Not that.”  Sousuke stares down at him in confusion.  “I’m pissed you guys didn’t tell me but I get why now that Rei and I talked.”  Rin takes a shuddering breath.  “Why didn’t you guys tell me how close we were to losing him?”

“Fuck,” Sousuke mutters and leans his head back against the door, eyes closing for a moment.  “I didn’t even find out until those days just before that visit to the aquarium with Tachibana and Nanase.  He said at one point that it was bad enough that everyone was treating him like glass that would shatter at a moment’s notice and that if he gave a time frame the closer it got the more everyone would change around him.”  He looks down at Rin and raises his shoulder in a half shrug.  “And if he didn’t want anyone to know then it wasn’t my place to tell.”  He watches Rin’s eyes go wide and then focus in on Sousuke’s t-shirt as he processes it.  Probably going back through his interactions and realizing how he and the others had changed even without meaning to.  “I tried to convince him to tell you two at least but you know how Nanase is once he decides something.”

Rin swallows hard and leans his head against Sousuke’s chest.

“We didn’t intentionally keep it from you.  I promise.  I already know how well secrets go for you and me.  I guess once things got going we just never really thought about it that much either.”

“You guys were focused on doing what you needed to do.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe if I had been a little less distant the last couple years-”

“Don’t.”  Sousuke snaps and then wraps Rin in a tight hug.  “Don’t blame yourself.  We were all just doing what we thought was the best at the time.”  Rin sighs and returns the hug.  They stay like that long enough for Sousuke’s breathing to slowly even out and his eyes to drift shut.

He feels water rushing over him, threatening to pull him under, a moment before he hears Tachibana’s voice and he unintentionally squeezes Rin harder when his eyes snap open.

“You had how long left?”  Tachibana’s voice is clear even through the closed door and Sousuke tenses as he lets go of Rin.

Haru’s worry and fears that he and Sousuke had been slowly managing to break apart and get rid of week by week are back full force and Sousuke can feel him teetering on the edge of a very dangerous downward spiral.  The dark emptiness is nipping at his toes and threatening to latch onto his feet as he steps out of his room and across the hall to Haru’s.

Haru’s eyes are blown wide as he stares up at Tachibana and Sousuke is nearly bowled over by the sudden wave of emotions churning through him.  Worry, fear, guilt, frustration, confusion mixing with his own weariness and irritation are cycling back and forth between the two of them.  He takes a deep breath trying to slow things down before they both get sucked into the whirlpool forming between them.

“Tachibana?”  Green eyes snap to him and a slice of fear spikes through him at the intensity of his gaze.

“Two months or less?”  Tachibana’s voice is clipped, barely controlled emotion dripping from each word.  “I potentially had less than two months left with my best friend and no one thought to tell me?  Did you know Rin?”  His eyes slip past Sousuke and onto Rin and Sousuke takes the moment to take a deep breath and take another step into the room to stand next to Haru.

“I just found out today.”

“Why?”  Makoto’s gaze is flicking between Haru and Sousuke now.  Accusing and hurt in a way that makes Sousuke feel about an inch tall.  He’s reminded of the day after Tachibana found out and his feelings are still about the same.  He’d willingly handle Rin’s anger and Haru’s nearly impossible to decipher minefield of emotions any day if it meant he didn’t have to face Tachibana’s anger and frustration head on.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Quiet settles in the room, heavy and suffocating like dark water slowly rising to lap at his neck and the only comfort is the fact that he knows he’s not the only one being dragged under.

Rin fidgets in the doorway and the rustling of his clothes crashes through the room like thunder.  Tachibana is silent in front of them, a massive storm cloud hovering above them, ready to rip open and drown them in a moment.

“Because everyone already treated me like I was broken!”  Haru finally snaps, voice filling the room lightning fast cracking the sky open.  “You think I wanted them to act like I was completely hopeless and unfixable?”

“‘Just treat him like normal,’” Makoto murmurs and glances over to Sousuke, eyes sliding over where his and Haru’s arms are nearly touching, noting the way Haru’s weight is on the foot closer to Sousuke like he’s trying to get as close to him as possible without actually touching him.  “‘Don’t treat him like he’s fragile or broken.’  You told me.  You told me and I fixed it for a few days and then turned around and did it all over again.”

The storm clouds are gone but they’ve left behind that unpleasant heaviness.  A damp blanket draped across their shoulders and Sousuke just wants to be done with it all.

“Like I just told Rin.  Don’t blame yourself.  We all have our own lives, our own things going on that we’re focused on.  We can’t always pick up the right things from each other no matter how long we’ve known each other and unfortunately none of us have really gotten much better at communicating sometimes.”  He shifts that last inch to bring Haru’s arm against his.  “Look.  We made our choice.  Was it a dick move not to tell anyone?  Technically yes.  But it was our choice.  It’s done.  We did it.  And you can be mad at us if you want to be.  But I’m just tired of all of this,” he gestures between the four of them.  “If you two can’t accept the choices we made, I’m sorry.  But they’re already in the past.  If you really want to do something about it then just give us a little support.”

He presses his arm against Haru’s and then heads back to his own room.

Do you need Rei-chan and I to come over tomorrow Sou-chan??

idk Nagisa. right now all i need is sleep

Sleep comes quickly but it’s restless.  Bits and pieces of voices chase him through his dreams and he drifts on mumbles and mutters, half formed waves of frustration and guilt batter at him and send him bobbing and floating out to sea.  The voices eventually settle down and leave him adrift in silence, watching twinkling stars shining against an inky black sky.

His dream doesn’t let go of him until a body curls into his side and a warm wave washes his mind clear.

Chapter Text

The apartment door slamming open doesn’t fully wake him.  But it does let wakefulness sink it’s cruel hooks into him and start reeling him to the surface.  He registers Haru curled up beside him, the comforter he doesn’t really remember crawling under tucked up around his shoulders, and Haru’s somehow still cool toes pressed into his ankle before his bedroom door flies open and his bed suddenly has a third person in it.

Nagisa manages to cover the distance from the door to the bed in a single flying leap that Sousuke might have been impressed by had he not been mostly asleep and had it not been accompanied by Nagisa’s elbow connecting with his stomach and a loud, cheery “Sou-chan!” battering at his ears.

He mumbles something and buries his face in his blanket.

“Haru-chan!”  Haru grumbles and curls closer to Sousuke, face smushing into his side.  “Come on!  Wake up!  It’s time for breakfast and stuff!  I’m starving.”

Sousuke cracks an eye open just enough to see Nagisa’s gleeful face blurred by sleep and grit.  “No.”

“Don’t be that way Sou-chan.”  Haru shakes his head under the blanket.  Or he’s rubbing his nose on Sousuke’s shirt.  He’s not entirely sure which but he better not be getting snot on his shirt.

“Haru agrees with me.”  

Nagisa’s smile turns into something that had he been more awake would have sent alarms bells ringing in his mind.  Devious.  Sly.  Conniving.  His sleepy brain tosses out the words as Nagisa pokes at the Haru bump under the blanket.

“Rei-chan already had a bath going.  Guess I’ll tell him to just drain the tub.”

The warmth beside Sousuke is gone in an instant and Nagisa is rolling into the empty space beside him with a giggle as Haru throws his shirt in Nagisa’s face.  Nagisa props himself up on Sousuke’s chest and looks down at him.

“Hey Sou-chan.”

“Hi Nagisa.”  The warm weight against his chest and content waves around him from Haru are almost enough to send him back to sleep as his eyes drift closed.  “Are Rin and Tachibana still here?”  He asks around a yawn.

“Rin-chan was all tucked up in Haru-chan’s bed when I peeked in and I think I made Mako-chan fall off the couch when I came in the apartment.”

“You mean when you slammed the door open.”  He’s trying really hard not to just fall back asleep.  Not that anyone could really blame him if he did.  It’s his day off from classes and work both and he had a long night and his blankets are cozy and warm.

Nagisa’s stomach grumbles and Sousuke’s eyes blink open just in time to see his face turn pink before he buries it in Sousuke’s chest.  “Sorry,” he murmurs.  “Rei-chan and I sort of skipped breakfast.”

Sousuke lets out a sigh and rolls over, trapping a squawking Nagisa in his blanket on the way, and sits on the edge of his bed as Nagisa struggles to untangle himself.  He was going to just go back to sleep.  But honestly.  How was he supposed to just ignore the fact that Nagisa, the bottomless pit himself, and Rei, a stickler for balanced meals eaten at proper times, skipped eating breakfast to come and check on them?  He was an asshole but he wasn’t heartless.

“I think we have stuff to make pancakes.  And I know we have some omelette stuff too.”  

The wiggling stills.  “Do you have strawberries?”

“I’m not sure but even if we don’t I can make the pancakes extra sweet.”  Nagisa’s head pops out of the blanket, eyes wide.

“But Rei-chan says I shouldn’t have too much sugar at breakfast.”

Sousuke glances over his shoulder and gives Nagisa a wink.  “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

“Deal!”

Rei is at the table with Tachibana, watching in amusement as Nagisa helps Sousuke prepare breakfast.  Which largely consists of Sousuke plucking things out of Nagisa’s hands and placing them back on the counter with increasing frequency and surprisingly little frustration.  Rei misses the subtle head tilt and and eyebrow raise that Sousuke gives Nagisa which sends Nagisa straight into Rei’s lap with a happy shout, effectively distracting him as Nagisa chatters away and Rei struggles to keep him from falling to the floor in his excitement.

Tachibana stands and leans against the counter in Nagisa’s absence.  Sousuke is a little confused until he sees the knowing smile on Tachibana’s face as he eyes the measuring cups of sugar sitting next to the bowl of diced strawberries.

“You’re spoiling him.”

Sousuke shrugs.  “What?  I like sweet pancakes.”

“Neither Rin nor Haru do.”

“Firstly you’re assuming I’m sharing anything with anyone.”  When Tachibana laughs softly he relaxes a little and goes back to mixing his ingredients together.  “Secondly Rin can have an omelette and Haru has his mackerel.”  Sousuke nods his head towards the other end of the counter where another stack of ingredients is waiting.

“Sousuke?”  He pauses as he’s about to pour batter into the pan and looks back at Tachibana’s quiet voice.

“Yeah?”

“I still don’t approve of the way you guys went about it and I might never fully approve.  But you’re right.  Despite whatever problems any of us end up having with each other the important thing is that we’re friends.  And friends support each other.  So I wanted to say I’m sorry for the way I reacted and treated you both.  And thank you for being strong enough to do all of this.”

He really sucks at this kind of thing with anyone who isn’t Rin, he thinks as he drops his gaze to the pan and flips the pancake.  “Tachi-” He pauses and clears his throat.  “Uh.  Makoto?”  

“Yes?”

“Pancakes or omelette?”  Makoto’s soft laugh was enough to let him know that he understood that he had Sousuke’s forgiveness.

Sousuke has the first batch of pancakes made and on the table when Rin stumbles in and blinks stupidly at the full kitchen.

“Mornin’ Rin-chan!” Nagisa calls out before shoving a huge bite of pancake into his mouth and whimpering.

“Good morning, Rin-san,” Rei says politely as he reaches past Nagisa for a pancake.

“Oh my god Sou-chan you’re perfect.”  Nagisa is bouncing in his seat, eyes wide as he scarfs down his pancakes.  “You’re like, wow.”

Rin blinks when Makoto pulls out the chair next to where he was seated at the table and gestures towards it.  “I don’t like pancakes,” is all he can say as Nagisa continues to praise Sousuke and his cooking skills.

“That’s why you’re getting an omelette,” Sousuke states as he drops another pancake onto the stack and switches over to mixing up an omelette.  “Did you want one too, Rei?”

There’s something relaxing about cooking for more people than just himself; he’s not counting the occasional times Haru lets him cook for him because they are rare and Haru is usually always there staring him down as he works.  But right now listening to Nagisa praising his pancakes and Rin and Rei arguing over the best ingredients for a perfect omelette while Makoto tries to keep the peace he feels… happy.  Happy in a way he hasn’t for a long time.

Haru shuffles in while Makoto is trying to convince Rin that Rei is perfectly welcome to appreciate the way an omelette looks instead of simply it’s taste if he wants to and Sousuke gives him a nod.  He finishes rinsing off the cutting board for Haru and hands it over without a word, leaving Haru to the other end of the counter with his mackerel while Sousuke finishes up the omelettes.  Haru reaches around him for whichever spices he feels like using this morning and Sousuke hands him a knife.

Rin and Rei both startle when Sousuke slides them each an omelette and Makoto thanks him when he sets a third one in front of him.  He’s finishing making his own stack of pancakes when he realizes the kitchen has gone silent save for the sound of his pancakes cooking and Haru’s mackerel sizzling.  Everyone is staring at him and it takes him a moment to figure out why.

Haru had slipped in front of him to use the other front burner for his mackerel and in a practiced move - because Haru refuses to understand things like “give me five minutes to finish and the stove is all yours” when he wants to make his mackerel - Sousuke had simply reached around him to flip his pancake and propped his chin on Haru’s head.

“Can I have more pancakes, Sou-chan?”

Nagisa’s voice breaks whatever awkward spell that had been cast on them and the room comes back to life as Rei chides him and suggests a few bites of his omelette if he’s still hungry and Rin and Makoto laugh quietly as Nagisa pouts.

“This feels right,” Haru mutters just loud enough for Sousuke to hear and he pulls to the side enough to see Haru watching their friends at the table.

“Yeah.  It does.”