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Chapter Text

Lan crept through the White Tower in the dark of night, entering at the precise moment he knew it would be emptiest. Breaking into his home of 20 years was easy, yet navigating long, winding corridors unseen was nerve-wracking. At that moment, The Tower didn’t feel like home at all. It felt like the suffocating cage Moiraine always seemed to believe it was. He listened to every noise and every breeze, paranoid each one was a footstep fast approaching. 

He had prepared an excuse should anyone catch him - Alanna borrowed a necklace from Moiraine that she never returned. A woman as wealthy as Moiraine would have jewelry worth sending her warder to retrieve, and Alanna genuinely had one of Moiraine’s necklaces hidden away somewhere. Lan had no knowledge of its value, but a true story gave him an unassailable alibi. Still, the entire Tower would know of his presence within hours if even a single person saw him, so when he arrived at Siuan’s room undetected, he let out a sigh of relief. 

A warder breaking into the Amyrlin’s bedroom was a punishable crime. If anyone saw him at this door, he would have no excuse. He couldn’t risk the sound of a knock ringing through the halls, so he cautiously entered, cringing with every movement. Lan knew Siuan would understand as long as she didn’t kill him before seeing his face.

And that’s nearly what happened. Siuan must have heard the door opening because she was kneeling in her bed, reaching for anything to use as a weapon before he even finished closing the door behind him.

“Wait.” Lan held up his hands. “It’s me.”

“Lan?” Siuan’s voice was tired and disoriented from sleep, her breathing rapid from the shock of an intruder, but when she registered what was happening, she slumped back into her bed. “Dear Light.” She deflated, fear in her eyes that Lan had arrived to deliver the worst news of her life.

“She’s alive.” Lan rushed to reassure Siuan that Moiraine wasn’t dead, but they both knew he wouldn’t be here unless something had gone horribly wrong. “But…” Lan took a breath. “When she went into the Blight, she was cut off from the Source, and she’s struggling. She needs to see you.” 

“She’s been stilled?” Siuan whispered the question, horrified in a way only another Aes Sedai could be. Knowing Moiraine, she had probably prepared Siuan for her death, but not for this. “How?” Siuan continued. “Why?” Questions flowed from Siuan’s lips, but Lan had no answers. 

Lan opened his mouth to speak, but words refused to come. With a sigh, he sat on the edge of Siuan’s bed, his back facing her. In the presence of the only person who shared the depth of his concern for Moiraine, the exhaustion of the past few weeks bubbled to the surface. Siuan loved Moiraine as much as he did. Knowing she would share every bit of his pain allowed him to acknowledge it.

“We think it’s just a shield, but we don’t know how to remove it,” he admitted. “I have to believe there’s a way, for her sake, but I don’t know… I just don’t know.” He turned his head to look her in the eyes. “She masked the bond before entering the Blight, and now…” His voice wavered. “She is at my side every day and every night, yet in the absence of the bond, I miss her in the core of my soul.” Lan turned to face the wall. “But that’s not the worst of it. There are times I’m grateful I can’t feel the depth of her despair because, without the bond, I can convince myself she’s still the same Moiraine.”

Siuan crawled across the bed until she was seated beside him. She placed a hand on his knee and said, “She’s strong.” Siuan spoke with force, every word piercing the air. “Moiraine, a stubborn Cairhienin Aes Sedai, would never allow anything to destroy her resolve.”

“You haven’t seen her.” Lan looked down at his hands as he wrung his fingers together. A nervous habit. “And I’m not sure she wants you to see her like this, but she needs you.”

“I’m the Amyrlin Seat-” Siuan began, but Lan wouldn’t allow her to derail his plea with excuses.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t broken the rules before,” Lan interrupted, “simply to see her.”

Siuan raised an eyebrow, approving Lan to continue.

“Whoever she encountered in the Blight undoubtedly wanted to torture her, and he succeeded. He could have killed her, but he didn’t. He wanted her to slowly fade away, and I refuse to allow it. Moiraine needs a reminder that her life holds importance beyond her value to the Dragon. I have tried my hardest, but after 20 years of sharing each other’s every emotion, arguing with each other is like arguing with yourself. She needs someone to reignite the fire within her. She needs you .” 

“Where is she?” Siuan furrowed her brow. “Not in the tower.”

“A little inn. It’s the closest I could bring her without breaking the oath, but also discreet enough that I wouldn’t expect any trouble”

Siuan nodded, visibility conflicted by her desire to help Moiraine and her duty to the Tower. “I can’t exit these walls unnoticed.”

“If I found a way in, you can find a way out.”

“And when the sun rises? When my absence is noticed?”

“It’s covered,” he stated firmly.

“It’s covered?” Siuan looked incredulous. “What do you mean ‘it’s covered.’”

Lan gave Siuan a mischievous glance. “I’m gifting you a day with the woman you love, a woman who needs you. Take it.”  

“Did you light a fire as a distraction?” Siuan asked with a grimace. “Or contrive an accident that I must miraculously be found to have survived in two days’ time?” 

Lan carefully considered his words. “Not precisely, but no one will expect to see you until I return you, and given your inability to lie, I think it’s best you don’t know the details.”

Siuan stared at him with a combination of horror and awe before bursting out laughing. “I’m starting to understand why she’s so fond of you.”

“And to think it only took you 20 years.” Lan gave a genuine smile of relief. Despite the seriousness of the situation, he was one step closer to helping Moiraine recover herself.

Chapter Text

Lan urged Siuan to dress in her most utilitarian clothing, nothing the Amrlyn would dare wear in public, the kind of clothing she would wear if she could actually live in her little cabin by the river. Draped in insignificance, they would disappear into the night. Then she’d whisk Moiraine off her feet and breathe life back into her. Lan made it sound so easy, so romantic.

And maybe it was. Lan had risked everything to break into her room in the dead of night. A single action that upended 20 years of caution, of a meticulously crafted feud between former friends. 

When Siuan had banished Moiraine from the tower, she feared the last words they spoke would be a part of their cruel farce, and now she had the chance to set it right, to speak all the loving words Moiriane deserved to hear. It only seemed right. Afterall, Moiraine’s unwavering love kept Siuan from ever truly experiencing the crippling loneliness required of the Amyrln Seat.

So, with romantic fantasies in her head, Siuan swiftly prepared to leave, her heart swelling with exhilaration. Then she took a single step into the corridor, and her heart began racing. Reality crashed into her like an avalanche. She would be stilled if caught. Their lives would be over. Everything she, Moiraine, and Lan dedicated themseves to gone in an instant. 

Why take the risk?

Of course, the answer was obvious. 

For Moiraine. 

For Moiraine, Siuan could do anything. She was the Amyrln Seat. She commanded power, strength, confidence. She had never permitted fear to control her, and she would not begin now, not even as she broke through 20 years of discretion on an impulse. With firm resolve, she took a breath, lifted her chin, and pushed forward. 

She took another step. Then another and another.

And another.

Her racing heart steadied. Her confidence grew.

Then, the faintest noise echoed through the halls, loud as thunder to Siuan’s paranoid ears. Her head whipped to the side. Her eyes scanned every corner, anticipating imminent downfall. 

But nothing happened.

Lan did not react, his expression unbreakable as stone.

“Have you done this before?” Siuan whispered as Lan expertly navigated through the tower, following a path she never would have considered. A path she never knew possible. 

“Yes.” The single word was all he divulged before urging her to be quiet.

His answer was both a comfort and a concern, but she had no time for questions. She had surrendered her life to him, yet when she heard the unmistakable sound of footsteps approaching, her heart began to race again. 

No amount of reminding herself she was the Amrlyn Seat could kill every drop of human emotion within her. She turned around, her first instinct to run back the way they came, to separate herself from Lan. With distance between them, Siuan could feign ignorance to Lan’s presence if caught, but before she could move, he grabbed her hand, pulling her down a side hall and into a corner behind a stone statue. They were in this together.

“Quiet,” he mouthed, their bodies huddled in a corner, pressed against the wall. “Just breathe.” 

Siuan nodded. She watched the steady rise and fall of his chest, timing her breaths with his. There was no sense in worry. This man had kept Moiraine alive for 20 years. A little kidnapping was nothing.

As they waited for the corridors to clear, Siuan let her mind wander, remembering the nights she and Moiraine explored this tower with the freedom of novices. Two young women falling in love, their futures ripe with endless potential, their concerns inconsequential in comparison to what awaited them.

She smiled faintly as the memory calmed her nerves. Then the footsteps passed, and once again, they continued their journey in silence. The whole experience began to pass in a blur, and in the blink of an eye, she was mounting Moiraine’s horse, the escape a rousing success. 

As she rode beside Lan, they talked like old friends, laughing at memories of people she hadn’t seen in years, reminiscing about Moiraine when she was young, sharing opinions about the most beautiful places to travel. Lan was full of anecdotes about life on the road that Moiraine never thought significant enough to share. Siuan felt her soul coming alive with every casual yet refreshingly honest word that passed between them. Although they had spent such limited time together, their lives had been intimately entwined for 20 years. She could have spoken to him for days. No pretenses. Nothing to prove. It had been years since she had been so relaxed around anyone other than Moiraine.

It wasn’t that Siuan was alone in her life. She was consistently surrounded by people, even people she cared about, but there was an inescapable formality to her life. Too many secrets she could not share. She had sacrificed her deepest friendships to both become the Amyrlin Seat and keep the secret of the Dragon Reborn. Yet Lan was unbothered by her status. Never, in all the years she had known him, had he seemed to care she held power over him. She supposed his behavior was only logical. He was both a king and Moiraine’s warder, already aware of Siuan’s deepest secret. Few things could intimidate such a man. He spoke so freely to her that she quickly found herself feeling a twinge of jealousy, not over his relationship with Moiraine, but over Moiraine’s relationship with him. It was a precious gift. 

Siuan easily imagined another life where the three of them lived and loved openly, their lives not bound by secrets, but she could not imagine this life ever affording her such a luxury. In this life, she existed for a purpose far more important than her own happiness. Her desires belonged to another life.

“I think I understand why Moiraine never complains about excessive travel,” Siuan said. “Out here, you’re not bound by the tower, by politics, by anything.”

Lan gave her a knowing smile. “You’ve clearly forgotten the experience of traveling with Moiraine two hours from the nearest village as rain begins to pour.” Lan passed a quick glance in Siuan’s direction. “She only stops for the horses.”

“It’s excitement.”

“It’s exhaustion,” Lan corrected.

“That’s Moiraine.” Siuan smiled proudly, but the smile quickly faded as she remembered the purpose of their travels. This was different from their previous visits. She wasn’t on her way to whisper secrets in her head-strong lover’s ear. She was riding towards a Moiraine she had never seen before, a Moiraine who had lost her sense of self. 

Siuan watched the scenery a moment, taking in the beauty of nature to distract herself before asking, “Is she still traveling with that same vigor?” Her voice was embarrassingly soft, weak, entirely too human in a way only Moiraine could do to her.

Lan took an excruciatingly long time to answer, and with every second he hesitated, Siuan’s hands tightened around the reins. Finally, he said, “she thinks of nothing but prophecies. It prevents her from thinking of her losses, but she cannot escape them at night. She still reaches for the source in her sleep.”

Siuan nodded, haunted by images of Logain calling for death. She couldn’t bear to picture Moiraine in such a desperate state, forever shattered by her loss. Months, even years, passed between their meetings, but no matter how exhausted or stressed Moiraine felt, she was always the same Moiraine at heart. Astute, strong yet soft, unwaveringly stubborn. The only woman who could melt Siuan with a single glance. Moiraine was her only indulgence, the only thing in this world she could not sacrifice.

“We’ll be arriving soon,” Lan said. 

Siuan nodded. She could not speak.

Chapter Text

Lan and Siuan arrived at the inn in silence, shared camaraderie lost to a shared fear that they wouldn’t be able to save Moiraine. Neither would dare vocalize such a dire thought, but the air around them buzzed with nervous energy as Lan sheltered their horses, and Siuan lifted her hood to cover her hair and obscure her face.

Siuan linked her arm around Lan’s, snuggling against his side to disguise themselves as lovers dashing off to their room for the night, not to be disturbed. She tried to relax her body, to play the role of his lovesick paramour as Lan led her through the inn, but her fingers clung so tightly to his arm that he began rubbing it the instant she finally released him. As they stood side by side in front of their room, she hesitated at the closed door, only for a moment, a slight pause. 

Anticipation and worry tightened in Siuan’s chest, a physical ache. She knew the pain would only subside when she faced the truth, when she saw Moiraine, so she grabbed the door handle and forcefully entered the room. Lan squeezed her arm reassuringly before closing the door to leave her alone with Moiraine, but Siuan did not look back. Nothing could tear her eyes away from Moiraine, not even if the inn began collapsing around them.

She half expected to find a pale ghost in place of her lover, mumbling nonsense, awaiting death. Instead, she found Moiraine sitting at a small desk positioned beside a humble bed, her nose buried in a musty old book. A small fire blazed in the fireplace, filling the room with a welcoming warmth, soothing after riding in the cool air. A hazy-edged mirror hung in the corner.

Siuan smiled softly, the pain in her chest lifting. “And here I thought I was visiting your death bed.” Siuan let a soft chuckle escape her lips when Moiraine stopped reading at the sound of her voice. “You should know your warder is quite the worrier.” 

She began to question the validity of Lan’s claims about Moiraine’s condition. He was disoriented and scarred by their broken bond. Such a crushing loss would explain an overreaction, but then Moiraine looked up from her book, and Siuan’s breath hitched in her throat. Moiraine met her gaze with a hollow glance, absent of emotion, absent of life. To a stranger, Moiraine may have looked perfectly healthy, but she was a shell of herself, shattered to the core.

“Siuan.” Moiraine stood from her desk, a smile fighting to break through her mind’s haze. “What are you doing here?” 

Siuan reached for Moiraine’s hand, her warm skin stinging like ice against Siuan’s. Their fingers intertwined, but Siuan couldn’t feel Moiraine’s presence any more than Lan could. She should have expected it, should have known the Source controlled the connection between them all, but her connection with Moiraine wasn’t like the bond between an Aes Sedai and a warder. It was innate, as if nature always intended them to be together. They could sense each other more deeply than any other Aes Sedai could sense another. It wasn’t like the bond. It was something unique, something all their own. She had never considered it could be broken, never considered Moiraine could be broken.

Siuan pulled Moiraine into a tight embrace, clinging to her the way she clung to the puppy she found alone on a cold night when she was young. She wanted to wrap Moiraine in a blanket and vow to protect her from harm just as she had protected that poor, innocent creature from the cold. 

“Lan told me you needed me,” Siuan whispered into Moiraine’s hair.

“He shouldn’t have done that.” 

“In 20 years, neither one of you has ever asked for my help. How could I not come when one of you finally asked?” She stepped back, gently placing a hand under Moiraine’s chin, lifting her face and bringing them eye to eye. “I never should have sent you to The Eye of the World.” 

“Don’t,” Moiraine said with a subtle shake of her head. “We both knew the risk.” 

“But we didn’t know the facts.” Siuan brushed Moiraine’s hair away from her face, resting her hand below her jaw. “We should have waited.”

“We can’t wait forever.”

Siuan stroked Moiraine’s cheek with her thumb, the weight of that sentence hanging in the air between them. They were eternally waiting. For the Dragon to reappear, for the dark one to attack, for the next life to save them. Siuan accepted her fate long ago, but as she looked into Moiraine’s lifeless eyes, she could not think of anything other than this moment, this woman. 

“I’ve been reading,” Moiraine said, turning slightly in the direction of her book.

“I see that,” Siuan stated cautiously.

“There are things we didn’t consider. Prophecies, ideas that were dismissed because the Aes Sedai thought they knew better. What if they didn’t?”

“Stop,” Siuan said.

“Just listen,” Moiraine insisted. 

“No,” Siuan said, the voice of the Amrlyn. 

Moiraine paused, studying Siuan’s face. “I’m fine,” she said, reading Siuan like a book. An Aes Sedai lie. Physically, there wasn’t a mark left on her. Emotionally, she was a gaping wound.

“You’re not,” Siuan said. “You will have plenty of time for this later, but before I return to the Tower, I need to know you’re not wasting away. You’re too important to the world to get lost inside your head.” 

“You came here simply to check on me...” Moiraine said, a dawning realization. Her mind rarely thought of anything other than her cause. Through decades of clandestine meetings, Moiraine allowed herself mere moments of unconstrained happiness before once again turning serious. Even now, she visibly struggled to grasp that Siuan hadn’t come here to discuss their failed mission.

“Yes,” Siuan affirmed.

Moiraine turned to the side, muttering, “I’m going to kill Lan. He shouldn’t have brought you here, not for this, not for me.” 

“He’s trying to save your life.” 

“Lan is too sentimental, too emotional.” 

Siuan faintly laughed. “You forget I have met your warder.” 

“Yes, and I have lived with him for 20 years, experienced his every emotion. Trust me, he’s far more sensitive than he lets on.” She gave a hint of a smile, her fondness for Lan nearly breaking through the haze. The smile was fleeting, barely visible, but every moment of clarity Moiraine showed, no matter how small, gave Siuan hope.

“In truth,” Moiraine continued, “he’s a true romantic.” 

“And maybe that’s all the more reason to listen to him.” Siuan took Moiraine’s hands in her own, gently squeezing her fingertips. With a deep breath, she chose her next words carefully. “He and I have both seen what happens to Sisters after they’ve been stilled, and it is happening to you.”

“No.” She shook her head forcefully with denial, stumbling over her speech, attempting to form an argument, but she could only repeat the word, “No.” 

Siuan turned Moiraine towards the mirror, urging her forward. “Look at yourself.” She stood behind Moiraine, wrapping her arms around her waist.

“If this is about my hair. We both know it has looked worse,” Moiraine joked, but she showed no joy, no humor. “Remember 10 years ago, we-

“Look at yourself,” Siuan interrupted, insisted. She waited until Moiraine did as commanded before continuing. “If you carry on like this, letting yourself slip away, you will be putting both Lan and those young people from the Two Rivers in danger, and I know you don’t want to do that.” If she could not get Moiraine to help herself for her own sake, she would appeal to her care for others.

“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know I’ve outlived my purpose?”

“No, Moiraine, no.” A string of fowl words ran through Siuan’s brain as she scrambled to get her foot out of her mouth. “That’s not what I meant. You know I’d never suggest that.”

“But it’s the truth. I can’t protect them anymore,” Moiraine said, her voice small. “And I can’t feel him anymore.” Moiraine paused, her breath unsteady, her eyes red with the first sign of tears that would not fall. “He should leave me.” 

“He doesn’t want that,” Siuan said. As disastrous as the conversation felt, Siuan was greatful Moiraine had admitted her feelings. She couldn’t help her if she wouldn’t talk to her. “You’ll survive your current pain, and you’ll see.” Siuan knew Lan wouldn’t leave Moiraine’s side in this state, so if their broken bond worried her most, she’d discover the truth in time. 

“I don’t know if I will.” Moiraine stared blankly at her own reflection. “In my nightmares, I survive the Dark One’s attack. I’m alone, calling for relief that never comes, and when I wake, it’s real. I’m still alive, wishing I weren’t.”

Moiraine’s confession nearly sent the room spinning, but Siuan held on to her senses by a thread. She pushed down her own anguish as she stared at their reflection in the mirror. She tightened her arms around Moiraine but gave no other sign of how deeply Moiraine’s words hurt her. In truth, she wanted to drop to her knees, to beg Moiraine not to do something rash, to unbanish her and never let her out of her sight. But she could not do any of those things. She needed to be rational because Moiraine was incapable of it. 

“When I entered this room,” Siuan finally managed to say, “and I couldn’t feel your presence in the way I’m accustomed, it hurt, not nearly as much as it hurts you, I know, but it hurt. The Source is a truly wonderful thing. It gives us astonishing power. It connects us, but it doesn’t give our lives meaning. We do that. Moiraine, I love you. I don’t need the Source to tell me that. And Lan, he bonded himself to you because he believed in your mission. He didn’t trust Aes Sedai, but he trusted you, and he still does. None of that has changed. Our love, our loyalty, it’s all for you, Moiraine, not the power you draw from the Source. Life will be harder for you now. You know I cannot lie about that or about anything else, so believe me when I tell you that you are alive and you are loved, which matters so much more than your ability to touch the Source.”

Moiraine relaxed against Siuan’s chest, meeting her gaze through the mirror, but she did not speak.

“Let me help you,” Siuan said. “I will do anything. Simply tell me what you need.”

“Tell me if this can be undone.” 

“Moiraine…” Siuan said, fearing her speech had done nothing.

“Tell me,” Moiraine insisted.

Siuan nodded despite a terrifying feeling that the answer might destroy Moiraine. Still, she persisted. She could not deny Moiraine the truth about herself, so she closed her eyes, weaves flowing around them as she delved into Moiraine. She shivered as she explored the vast emptiness within Moiraine, but she kept searching, longer than she would have for anyone else. A hopeless feeling was rapidly twisting her stomach into knots when then she found the slightest glimmer of a power she could hardly sense, a power that wasn’t Moiraine’s, a power that didn’t belong. She channeled all her energy into seeing it clearly, but she could not. Her head began pounding as she tried to focus on it. Only when she felt like she might collapse, when she felt completely depleted, did she open her eyes and gasp for air.

“What is it?” Moiraine asked.

“It’s a shield,” Siuan said, still catching her “breath. “It’s definitely a shield.” Despite her wide smile, Siuan began crying as she finally allowed herself an emotional release. The anguish she felt when she feared Moiraine might kill herself transformed into the all-consuming relief of knowing Moiraine would never try. 

“I can’t undo it myself. It’s not like most I’ve seen,” Siuan said. “But it’s there.” She shook her head as she regained her composure, her smile growing wider as she controlled her tears. “And you’re going to find a way to undo it. I know you will.” 

Siuan rested her head against Moiraine’s, expecting an answer, but she remained silent. “Did you hear me?” 

Moiraine spun around, unanswering. Siuan furrowed her brow, a question forming on her lips, a question she never got the chance to ask. Moiraine leaned forward and kissed her. Softly at first. A tentative kiss, as if Moiraine was acting on a memory she didn’t quite understand. But then the kiss grew deeper as Moiraine grew more confident. Something had awakened within her, and they tumbled onto the bed together.