Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

High school felt like an eternity ago. The memories are hazy – only bits and pieces able to crawl their way through the depth of the subconscious. To try and remember the memories was a draining task. Rue rarely tried to remember any of the nightmare she lived through. Today, out of all days, the memories tried to claw at her mind and consume every thought. Three years sober and the pain of the past still eats at her.

“One…two…three,” Rue muttered, counting the tiles on the ceiling out loud, hoping to drain out the thoughts screaming in her mind. She feared that if she stopped counting all of the harsh memories would come crashing in and soon, she’d be back in the place where she swore, she’d never go back to.

Rue never considered herself a particularly moral or good person, but the day after the dramatic blowout with her mother, Gia, Jules, and Elliot, her life started down a different path. Glimpses of that night often play in her mind when she lays in her bed at night. Sometimes it’s the fight in her house, but more often than not, it is flashes of the time she spent with Laurie. That would experience was horrifying and whether Rue would admit it or not, there was unresolved PTSD from it.

“Twenty…Twenty-One…Twenty-Two.” She took a deep breath in between numbers and ran her finger up her forearm, stopping in the notch of her elbow. The skin had since healed, but faint scars of track marks remained. Between the 10k worth of drugs that were flushed down the toilet and her escape from the hotel, Rue thought Laurie was going to kill her – it would have been the kinder of options than what Rue experienced. Sometimes Rue swears she can still hear the woman’s monotone voice in her head – not a drop of empathy behind any word.

She will never really know how she got out of that situation. After jumping from the hotel window, Rue just kept running and before she knew it, she was on her knees and banging on Ali’s door. Much of that interaction was fuzzy, but she remembers telling the older man about the events and remembers how his face paled. There are bits and pieces that sometimes come together in her mind like when Ali asked if she knew anyone connected to the woman and she replied that Fezco knew her. After that, Ali left and was gone for hours.

When he came back, they never spoke about what happened. All she knows is that Ali and Fezco took care of the evil. Fez mentioned that they paid Laurie off and let it go, but some part of Rue felt like they were all forever indebted to the evil woman.

The events that followed that night changed Rue’s life for the better. Once Ali arrived back at his place, he took Rue back to her home – back to her mother. That is a painful memory Rue remembers. The drive home was short and when she got to her front door, she fell to her knees and wrapped her arms around her mother’s waist. Her addiction almost made her run again, but it was finally time for her to take care of herself.

“Fifty… Fifty-One…Fifty-two.” This time, three years ago, Rue was spending the spring in a rehab center five hours away from her home. It was tough and she would be lying if she said she never stumbled. The withdrawal was hell – most nights she was found curled up in the fetal position on the cold, tiled bathroom floor. She even begged the staff to let her die. Rue made sure to make no friends in rehab; this part of her life was about focusing on herself and she didn’t want to get attached to anyone. Before her mother took her to rehab, Rue asked if she could get a new phone with a new phone number, which her mother agreed to. The only contacts she kept were: Lexi, Gia, Maddy, Fez, her mother, and Ali.

Jules faced flickered in Rue’s mind as she continued counting the tiles. Her stomach churned and she started counting louder, “Eighty-Three…Eighty-Four…Eight-Five.” Her mind wandered to the woman she once loved – scratch that, still loves. She entertained the idea that, even after all this time, Jules might still be texting her old number even though not a single response has ever been sent.

Jules isn’t the only person who doesn’t know what happened or where Rue went after that. That made the anxiety in Rue’s chest ease slightly. Once her rehab stint was finished, she couldn’t bring herself to return back home. Ali had moved a state away, but he continued to be her mentor and talk to her regularly. Rue joked, and secretly hoped, that she should move with Ali to escape the madness. Ali did not consider in a joke; he took it seriously and agreed without a second thought. Leslie was less eager about the idea, but for once her daughter wanted to put herself first instead of drugs, so she let her go. So, that is where Rue went and finished out high school.

Though it felt like a lifetime ago, it was only three years. Sobriety and therapy did Rue a blessing. She was finally diagnosed with a mood disorder and was now properly coping with it rather than burying it deep down. All of these memories were brought up because of the phone call she received from her mother yesterday. Leslie asked if she would come visit because both her and Gia missed Rue. The first word to escape her mouth was “no;” Rue wouldn’t admit it, but part of her was terrified of going back to that town. Leslie asked her daughter to reconsider and Rue hesitantly agreed. Suddenly, the weight of her past came crashing down on her.

“One hundred… One hundred and one… One hundred and two.”

“When are you going to stop counting those tiles,” A voice asked startling Rue. She paused briefly and peered at the doorway. Ali stood tall, leaning his hand against the frame.

“Technically, I stopped counting the tiles when I ran out of them, now I am just counting up,” Rue mused with a smile. Ali raised an eyebrow and Rue sighed. “I’ll stop counting when I stop thinking.”

“Is this about your mother asking you to visit.”

The two briefly spoke about it last night, but Rue made sure not to spend too much time on the subject. “You know it is.”

“I think you should,” Ali started, “it’s about time you finally make some amends.”

Ah, amends, Rue thought. That was a part of rehab and NA she skipped, or mostly skipped. Thus far, she has only made amends with Ali and Lexi. That interaction with Lexi will forever be etched in her brain. After Rue left rehab, before she left for her new home, she requested a pit stop at Lexi’s hone. The walk up to Lexi’s front door felt like an eternity and when she finally reached it, the door opened before Rue had a chance to lightly knock. It was Lexi – as if she had some sort of Rue senses. Rue pulled her into a tight embrace and sobbed. Lexi was good – she deserved good friends, something Rue hadn’t been in a long time. They stood in that moment for a long time, both girls softly crying. When they finally pulled apart, Rue smiled at her oldest, most loyal friend and for the first time, she whispered "I’m sorry." The worlds barely made it out before Lexi said "I know, I forgive you."

“Ali,” Rue said as the memory faded in her mind. The older man’s full attention was now on her. “What if I am not strong enough?”

“Rue, you’ve had to be strong every day to remain sober – this will not break you. You can and you will survive this step, too.”

Rue let out a deep exhale through her nostrils. Ali considered the conversation over and he pushed himself from the door frame and exited Rue’s space. She felt around her bed until she found the object she was looking for. She lifted her phone and texted her mother without a second thought – knowing that if she put too much thought into it, she would back out. “I’ll be home tomorrow.”

***
That night, Rue barely slept. She tossed and turned in her sheets. For the first time in a long time, she dreamed of Jules and the vile words she last said to the blonde. The words came from a place of hate and, though Rue still loved and desire the other woman, she hated that Jules cheated with Elliot. It was never outright admitted, but Rue wasn’t an idiot. It burned her to the core that Jules picked him, another addict, over her simply because he was high function…maybe that is what she needed.

When she finally did fall asleep, it was only briefly. Soon, her phone’s alarm was pulling her from her sleep and she begrudgingly exited her bed. Luckily Rue made sure to pack during the time she couldn’t sleep. She brushed her teeth, her hair, and changed – it wasn’t that she was eager to go back home, it was more so that she wanted to just get it over with.

Rue looked at herself in the mirror. Her style didn’t change – black, plaid pants clung to her long legs and an old, beat-up long sleeve shirt covered her top half. She sighed and pulled on her converse. She tossed her packed bookbag over her shoulder and slid out of her bedroom. Ali sat in the kitchen, watching her while she made her way to the front door. They didn’t exchange any words, he just smiled – she knew if she needed him, he would be there..

An old, beat up chevy malibu sat in the driveway and Rue tossed her bag in it. It wasn’t anything special, but it was hers. When she moved in with Ali, he told her that she would need to get a job because it was just another part of taking care of yourself. At first, Rue argued the idea, but slowly realized he was right. It was good for her to channel herself into something else, so that is what she did. Rue spent days applying to various jobs and eventually landed a position at a local car wash. It was a shit starting rate and she wasn’t fond of the hours, but eventually she saved enough and bought herself this beat-up chevy malibu and it made her proud.

Though her and Ali moved nearly 6 hours away, the drive felt as if it flew by. Her thoughts were consumed with how her family reunion would go. Sure, she kept in touch with her mother and Gia, but it was different seeing each other in person again. The last time Rue saw Gia was when she exited her mother’s car and ran into oncoming traffic. It was surely traumatizing for the younger girl.

The chevy malibu came to a screeching halt in front of the Bennett residence. Rue took a deep breath and gripped the steering wheel tight, her knuckles turning white. Ali’s voice played in her head ‘you can and you will survive this step, too.’ Rue straightened up and exited the vehicle, her bookbag slung over her shoulder. She walked slowly to the front door and raised her hand in a fist, knocking ever so lightly on the wooden door. She didn’t hear any movement behind the door and a slight panic built in her stomach. What if this was a mistake?

Just as she was about to turn on her heel and make a break for it, the sound of the lock turning stopped her. The front door opened to reveal Gia. She was a little taller and more filled out – she looked more like a woman than a little girl. Tears welled in Rue’s eyes. This was her baby sister that she did so wrong. A smile stretched on the younger woman’s face and she pulled Rue in for a tight hug. Rue raised her shaky hands and pulled her baby sister into a hug.

“I’m so sorry,” Rue said between sobs.

“I know,” Gia whispered, her grip tightening.

Chapter Text

The first night back at home felt foreign. The house clearly went through some renovations over the past three years. The kitchen was remodeled with new cabinets and granite counter top. It made the environment cozier – homier. Rue took a moment to tour the house she grew up in, silently hoping that the changes wouldn’t erase the memory of her father. She peered down the hallway and at the pictures on the wall. There sat the portrait of her family, the last family photo they had before dad got sick.

Rue smiled softly and turned on her heel to walk towards her bedroom. When Rue walked through the threshold, her heart started beating faster and for a moment, she thought she was going to have a panic attack. The room that was once hers was changed dramatically. She wasn’t surprised that once she left that her mother ripped everything out of the room – Leslie probably uncovered all of her hidden drug notches.

The bed was no longer positioned in the middle of the room, instead it was pushed neatly against the wall. The walls were painted a pale gray and all of the shelves that were once in the room were gone. Rue peered at the door with curiosity – even the door frame was removed. She wondered if her mother felt around the edges and found the baggies that were once full of cocaine.

Memories came flooding back suddenly, but they did not last long because when the front door opened, Rue was snapped from her trance. Her mother’s voice called out from the living room and Rue smiled. She stepped out from her old room and walked to the living room. Within seconds her mother wrapped her in the tightest hug. It was a little suffocating, but, for the first time in a long time, it was a genuine hug that wasn’t only happening to calm Rue down.

“Hey mom,” Rue said as they broke from their hug.

“Oh, my Rue,” Leslie whispered and pushed some fly aways out of Rue’s eyes.

Gia joined the women in the living room and took the take-out bags from her mother’s hands. They all sat around the dining room table, eating take-out Chinese and chatting about everything. Both Gia and Leslie avoid any type of talk about drugs and what happened last time Rue was there, but Rue didn’t shy away from the topics of drugs.

“Yesterday marked my third year of sobriety,” Rue said. She pulled the NA chip from her pocket and twirled it between her fingers. “It was also the third anniversary of my melt down.”

Gia tensed and Rue noticed she gripped her fork tighter. Rue couldn’t imagine the trauma that young woman went through witnessing everything – she knew her little sister started going to therapy once she left. “Well, Rue, there isn’t any reason to talk about that,” Leslie said waving her hand in the air as if she was trying to rid the house of the topic.

“There is a huge reason to talk about it.”

“Rue,” Gia started.

“No, I am serious,” Rue said. Both her mother and sister watched her intently. “The last time I was in this house, aside from cleaning out my drawers to pack, I disrespected both of you. I disrespected dad’s memory. I disrespected the house I was raised in.”

Leslie nodded. Rue could see the tears welling up in her eyes. She paused briefly to see if the either two women wanted to interject, but when they didn’t, she continued. “I am not perfect. I will still stumble in my life, but I am doing better. I hated myself then. I wanted to be dead then. But you both make life worth living. What I am about to say isn’t me fishing for forgiveness or anything, it is just so I can have it out there. Gia…mom…I am truly and genuinely sorry for everything.”

The atmosphere felt lighter for the first time since Rue stepped foot in the house. She was sure her mother was still concerned – not surprising, Rue was known to lie, but it was clear that Gia and her mom believed her. Neither said they forgave Rue and that was okay, she had a lot of making up to do. Naturally the conversation fell into a steady pace. They talked about jobs, about the car out front, about Leslie’s love life, Gia’s love life. It felt good to feel like a family.

When night fell, each woman separated and disappeared to their respective rooms. Rue laid in the bed and stared at the ceiling. She was flooded with memories of Jules tapping on her window, begging to stay the night. Rue raised her hand and grazed her lips lightly – they still tingle from the first time Jules kissed her. So many memories and Rue can’t really consider any of them good simply because of the life she was living.

Rue peered at the time on her phone. It was nearly midnight. She wasn’t sure what compelled her to click on Lexi’s contact, but whatever it was she couldn’t stop it. Soon she was tapping away at letters and sent a quick ‘you up?’ It took a few minutes, but Lexi responded ‘yes, what’s up?’ Rue chewed on her bottom lip, her fingers hovering over the keyboard.

‘You in town?’ Rue sent it and let out a deep breath.

‘Yes… I am on summer break from college…why?’ She could imagine the inquisitive look on Lexi’s face.

‘Because I am, too… Lily’s diner in the a.m.?’

Rue wasn’t sure why but her heart was racing and her palms were sweating. Well, maybe she did know why. If Lexi agrees, this is the first time she will be seeing her childhood best friend since everything blew up. Sure, they had spoken on the phone often and kept up through texts, but in person meeting always causes anxiety. The ring of the phone’s text notification tore Rue from her thoughts. She picked it up and looked at the answer.

‘Can’t wait – better be there 9 a.m. sharp.’

A smile stretched on Rue’s face. ‘Yes ma’am.’

That night, Rue fell asleep with a smile on her face.

***

Morning approached faster than expected. Rue felt like she was just starting to fall asleep and getting comfy when the loud, obnoxious alarm went off on her phone. She set the alarm for 7 a.m. in hopes that it would be enough time to make herself presentable. Lexi wasn’t the type to judge based off looks, but Rue wanted to look good and to make a good first impression…again.

Yes, the two were well acquainted with one another. Hell, they have known each other since they were still being potty trained, but this morning felt like they were meeting for the first time all over again. No one really talks about it, but you have to reinvent yourself in rehab and therapy. You’re supposed to unlearn all of the toxic, damaging behavior. Rue felt like she almost had to re-develop a personality. It’s not that she isn’t the same person, she is just a healthier one with a healthier mindset and lifestyle. She was desperate for Lexi to see that and to accept her for who she now is.

Rue scrambled from the bed and hurried in the bathroom. After a quick shower, she dried her hair and went back to her room. She laid a few outfit choices out – the only thing that made it difficult was that they were all basically the same variation of the same outfit. Rue stood there with her arms crossed, chewing on her lip. “MOM,” she yelled.

Leslie came rushing into the room, a look of worry on her face. “What? Are you okay? Did something happen?’

Rue laughed and pointed at the clothes. “The only thing that happened is I can’t decide what to wear.”

The panicked look dropped from Leslie’s face and she shook her head, a smile playing on her lips. Her mother stood there for a minute with her hands on her hips. She gestured to the outfit on the left. “That one, it is a little more colorful than the rest.”

Rue let out a laugh again and her mother squeezed her shoulder before leaving the bedroom. The “color” her mother referenced was the blue writing on the black shirt. It was an old band tee she thrifted and, to go along with it, was a favorite pair of black and gray plaid pants.
By the time Rue was finished getting dressed and brushing her hair out, the clock on her phone read 8:30. “Shit,” Rue muttered to herself. She hurriedly pulled a pair of black vans on and rushed out her house. She threw her hand up, an attempt at a wave as she passed her mother and Gia. She climbed into her malibu and started it.

Lily’s diner wasn’t packed, but Rue was anxious so she went in early and grabbed a booth. When the waitress brought her a glass of water, she nervously tapped on it. She was sure she looked like she was tweaking even now. Anxiety has always been Rue’s enemy.

“Rue.” The sudden calling of her name pulled Rue from her mind and she looked up to see Lexi. Rue stood immediately and pulled the shorter girl into a hug.

Everything fell right into place. It felt like old times again – before all of the bullshit and the drugs and drinking and sex. It felt like they were kids again and nothing dangerous could touch them.

“Me and Fez are getting pretty serious,” Lexi said as she took a sip from her cup.

“You…and Fezco?” Rue tilted her head. “Like drug dealing, gun slinging Fezco? The big brother of Ashtray?”

Lexi giggled. A blush crept across her cheeks. “The one and only.”

“Girl, when did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We’ve been dating a little over a year. I guess, I was just afraid to tell you. I know me and him are really different, but I really like him.”

“I am so incredibly happy for you.” And Rue meant it. She was happy for Lexi. That girl deserved nothing but the best.

Things were going great… until Lexi excused herself to the restroom. Rue took the time to look around the diner. When she was satisfied with her people watching, she turned to peer out the window. Her eyes scanned the parking lot and immediately she froze. Luckily, she wasn’t drinking anything or she would have spat it all over the window.

She knew that person riding the bike from anywhere. The way they leaned back, the wind blowing in their hair and smile stretched on their face.

It was Jules.

Chapter Text

Restless – the word perfectly summed up how Rue felt. The concrete walls of her rehab room were closing in fast. The rooms smelled too clean – as if disinfected every hour on the hour. The bleach fumes gave her a headache. Rue expected this feeling when she first arrived at the facility, but it never came. Perhaps it was shock or maybe just acceptance, but whatever it was it wore off. Three months in and the panic attack was creeping slowly up her body. She tossed and turned in her bed, getting caught up in the sheets. Her head was spinning.

It felt like withdrawal all over again, but this time not from drugs. Jules was heavy on her mind. The other day, Rue caught a flash of blonde hair out the corner of her eye and since then, Jules was all she could think of. Each time Rue shut her eyes to sleep, the same flashes of blonde hair and beauty danced in her mind. The dreams did not bring her comfort. Though Rue was happy to have images of the other woman in her mind again, all she could think of was their last interaction. 'I have a lot of regrets in life and, I’ve got to admit, meeting you is at the top of that list' - the words replayed in her head often.

Rue tossed the blankets off the bed and stood in a hurry. She stormed out of her dorm, on a mission to reach the common room. Everyone in this facility was allowed to have a personal cellphone, but a lonely payphone hung in the common room for those who didn’t for whatever reason. Rue fished around in her pocket before pulling out a handful of quarters. She held a coin between her shaky fingers and inserted it into the coin slot. With a heavy sigh, she typed in the number she memorized a million times.

With each ring, Rue’s heart beat faster. She was afraid it the beat would get so loud that she would miss it if someone picked up on the other end.

“Hello?” The voice was deep. Rue immediately recognized it and she felt her world come crashing down. After everything that happened, Jules was still seeing Elliot and for him to be the one who picked up her phone was gut wrenching. She couldn’t find her voice and the room started spinning.

There was a muffled exchange on the other line and another voice came through. “Hello? Is someone there?” It was her. It was Jules.

Rue cleared her throat, trying to find her voice. “Uh, no – s-sorry, wrong number.”

“Wait, Ru—”

Rue dropped the phone before Jules could get her whole sentence out. The phone dangled from its cable and she could still hear the pleading voice on the other end. The desperate pleads were cut off by an automated message. It asked for 25 cents to continue the call. Rue clenched the change in her hand and shoved it back in her pocket. She let the call go dead.

Rage. Anger. Betrayal. Those feeling coursed through Rue’s veins just as drugs once did. She screamed and banged her hands on the wall.

Just another loss in her life.

***

“Rue,” Lexi’s voice brought Rue out of her thoughts. “Are you okay? You look like you saw a ghost.”

“I think I did,” Rue muttered. Her eyes darted out the window again, silently hoping to catch a flash of the other woman again. Jules was long gone.

“What do you mean?”

“Jules,” Rue breathed, gesturing to the window where the other woman was just a few moments ago. Lexi’s face tightened, anger flickering in her eyes. Rue was painfully aware that her melt down all of those years ago was wrong of her – she was going through withdrawal and she wanted to bring everyone down with her, it was no excuse, but there was no excuse for Jules either. She willingly cheated on Rue, with another addict, ripping Rue’s heart right from her chest. Rue knew Lexi had feelings towards the other woman.

Lexi’s fist clenched on the table and her jaw visibly tightened. Rue tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. “You okay, Lexi? Maybe you’re the one who saw the ghost.”

“You know,” Lexi started, “you weren’t the only one who exchanged words with Jules that week.”

Rue’s eyebrow stayed raised. There was no way Lexi was referring to herself. This was the same girl who chickened out telling Fez about Nate’s father; the same girl who acknowledged she was nothing but a mere observer. “Do tell.”

Lexi rubbed the side of her face and sighed. “It was almost like an out of body experience,” she said with a laugh. “About a week after you left, after a school day, I ran into Jules outside of the building. All I really remember is her opening her mouth to say something and I just flew off the handle. However, I do remember the one and only Maddy Perez pulling me from Jules face."

“Are you telling me the Lexi Howard stood up for little Rue Bennett?” Rue smiled.

“You were both in the wrong and I couldn’t stand the fact that she was still standing tall as if she wasn’t wrong, too.”

A comfortable silence fell between the pair. Rue never understood what redeeming qualities Lexi saw in her, but she was glad there was someone on her side. She was happy that her drug use didn’t ruin everything good in her life. After a few moments, the conversation went in a different direction and before she knew it, Lexi was excusing herself as she had to go.

“Rue, I have to go – I promised Fez we would meet at noon and I am already late,” Lexi said. Rue could tell the other woman was torn. Stay or go.

Rue smiled and motioned towards the front of the diner, “Go, I’ve got this.”

Lexi smiled and let out a rushed “I’ll see you later” as she exited the diner. Rue left a 20 on the table and exited the diner just a few moments later. At first, she walked towards her car, ready to go home and just sit in the living room. However, Rue changed her mind when she looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful day out. Not a cloud in the sky and the birds sat perched on the electrical lines. She looked down at her beat up converse, they already had more than enough miles on them, so why not add a few more?

With no real direction or purpose in her walk, Rue turned right and just walked. She didn’t know how far she would go or when she would stop, but she figured her heart would tell her when. The light breeze blew her hair back and forth and the sun beating on her arms brought a sense of comfort. Ever since getting sober, Rue swore she felt every feeling at a more intense rate. Her lows were extremely low, but her highs were extremely high. It was most likely due to the fact that her senses were no longer dulled.

After about a mile, Rue decided it was probably her best bet to head back to the diner and retrieve her car. She was pensive on her walk back. Her thoughts were consumed with questions. Questioning what everyone in this town thought of her – not that she really cared. Whether or not her high school friends would admit it or not, they all struggled with their own forms of addiction. Sure, most of them were less destructive than Rue’s, but they were addictions nonetheless.

Before Rue knew it, she was back at her malibu. In one swift motion, she unlocked the door and slid into the front seat. She lowered the window a couple inches and backed out of the parking lot. She took off in the direction of home. Music played lightly through the radio and Rue felt at peace. She came to a crawling stop at a stop sign. It was then she wished she had blown through it.

“Rue?”

Rue’s grip on the steering wheel tightened and her knuckles whitened. She didn’t have to turn her head to know who was peering into her car. Rue doesn’t remember seeing a bike rider when she was driving down the street, but it is not unlikely for her to have just missed it. Rue clenched her jaw and turned her head.

Jules stood there, just staring at Rue with a slightly agape mouth. “Jules,” Rue said. Before another exchange of words could happen, Rue put her foot to the pedal and sped home. When she pulled into her driveway, she practically ran into the house and to her room. Thankfully, Leslie was at work and Gia was out with friends. Rue was in desperate need of some alone time so she could calm herself down. Without a second thought, Rue jumped into her bed and under the covers.

Her body was shaky and her mind was racing. Why did her run into Jules have to happen so early in her visit home? Rue took an indefinite time off from work for this, figuring she would stick around for a while just to help her mother and Gia out. She figured that if, for some divine reason, she ran into Jules it would be at the tail end of her visit not the second day.

Rue wasn’t sure how long she laid in her bed, but when she heard a tapping at her window, the panic started all over again. She refused to peak her head out from under the comforter. There was only one person who ever snuck up to her window and this wasn’t something she wouldn’t deal with right now.

“Rue, I know you’re in there,” she heard Jules call out. “Please just open your window.”