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Even after everything, Vi is still learning to appreciate the quiet. Although she feels the weight of the past bear down on her, for the first time in years she feels truly safe.
Those initial days weren’t easy. She remembers when Caitlyn tried to hug her for the first time and the look on Caitlyn’s face when Vi had physically pushed her away. She remembers the feeling of concrete and sweat as she rocked herself back and forth trying to calm down. She remembers Caitlyn slowly whispering to her, not touching her, but allowing her voice to ground Vi in reality. Most importantly, she remembers the warmth she felt while curled in Caitlyn’s arms.
Through everything, Caitlyn never left. No matter how much Vi pulled into herself or pushed her away, Caitlyn never left. It took some time, but Vi has slowly learned to accept Caitlyn’s hugs. For all the growth Vi has done, there are still those moments when she returns to the dark recesses of her mind. What began as Vi jolting awake, not realizing where she is and breaking out in a cold sweat, has slowly grown to something else. On those nights where her nightmares become too heavy, it’s like even when sleeping Caitlyn can feel her anxiety and her arms wrap around Vi just a bit tighter.
Vi glances up from where she is currently seasoning chicken and just watches Caitlyn. The slow methodical way she cuts the vegetables to be all the same size, that one piece of unruly hair she must continuously push out of her face. Cooking is cooking. There is nothing particularly special about this and honestly, this is about the most basic form of domesticity, but for Vi, this is perfect.
“Vi, you’re staring.”
Vi quickly regains her composure and notices Caitlyn looking directly at her. A look punctuated by a barely-there gap visible in a sly smile.
“Since I have your attention,” Caitlyn puts down her knife and fully turns towards Vi with one hand on her hip, “we have enough ingredients for the original recipe, but we’ll now need to double everything to account for Jayce, Viktor, Ekko, Mel, and Jayce’s appetite.”
“Right.”
Caitlyn continues looking at Vi, waiting for some type of response.
“Is this code that you need me to go to the store?”
Caitlyn’s face slowly brightens into a full smile. The smile that is permanently engraved in Vi’s mind and is just another piece of comfort Caitlyn has unknowingly given her.
“I knew you’d help.” Caitlyn tears off a piece of notepaper. It doesn’t get past Vi the note is already full of Caitlyn’s scratchy writing. “We already have enough vegetables and I’m about to cut the onions. I think if you buy more spices, rice, and chicken, we can make this work.”
Vi takes the piece of paper trying to memorize everything Caitlyn said. As much calm as being with Caitlyn brings to her life, Caitlyn’s handwriting is the one source of anxiety she must live through.
“In the time you’re gone I’ll have everything else done. We can just add it all to a sheet pan and throw it in the oven. If we time it correctly, things will be done right when everyone starts arriving.”
Vi makes a grunt of agreement and heads out of the kitchen. As she’s walking away, she can hear the soft sounds of Caitlyn beginning to chop the onions.
The walk from the kitchen to the garage takes less than 60 seconds. A minute is nothing, a miniscule unit of time. Vi doesn’t even think in 60 second increments. The sound of Caitlyn’s knife hitting the cutting board every second is the only measure of time. It’s once the sound of chopping stops and she hears a scream from the kitchen that Vi is right back in the place she fights so hard to keep hidden.
“Vi… Violet! Please…. Please come back… Don’t leave… Violet!”
Caitlyn’s voice is strained.
Caitlyn’s voice is never strained.
Vi’s mind is moving back to the kitchen.
Vi never left the kitchen.
Caitlyn’s perfectly fine.
Caitlyn’s still chopping onions.
Caitlyn’s still pushing that one piece of hair out of her face.
Nothing bad has happened.
Caitlyn’s still smiling her slightly-there gap tooth smile.
Caitlyn’s only crying because of the onions.
That must be it.
It’s only because of the onions.
Vi never left Caitlyn.
Without knowing she had closed her eyes, Vi blinks and finds herself back in the kitchen. The vegetables Caitlyn had so perfectly sliced are now spread all over the kitchen counter. There is a long trail of what Vi thinks is blood going from the chopping board down the side of the center kitchen island. There are pieces of onion scattered all over the floor.
Vi follows the onions on the ground and finds Caitlyn leaning against one of the back cabinets. Caitlyn is curled into herself on the floor, breathing heavily, and shaking.
“Violet?”
Caitlyn finally raises her face to Vi’s with tears rolling down her cheeks. Her eyes are bloodshot and darting across Vi’s face.
“Cait… Cait!” Vi grabs Caitlyn’s face in her hands. “Look at me.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Caitlyn’s breathing slows down, but she is still not meeting Vi’s eyes. “Can you, can you get me a towel?”
Vi quickly reaches up and grabs an entire roll of paper towels. Ripping off sheet after sheet and passing to Caitlyn.
“Vi, I only need two.”
Vi watches as Caitlyn wipes her eyes with a paper towel while using a second one to blow her nose. She finally looks up directly into Vi’s eyes. They are still bloodshot and teary, but Caitlyn is at least holding eye contact now.
“Vi, Violet. I’m okay. It’s okay.”
Caitlyn grabs one of Vi’s hands and squeezes it. Vi is shaking, her own eyes beginning to well up with tears.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. It was just an accident.”
“But,” Vi looks down at Caitlyn’s wrist, “you’re bleeding.”
“Oh!” Caitlyn follows Vi’s eyes down to her wrist, where there is a long slash mark dripping blood down her arm. “I… I didn’t realize.”
Caitlyn uses a paper towel as a temporary tourniquet to stop the bleeding. Neither Caitlyn or Vi say anything for a long time. Caitlyn eventually gets up and helps Vi to the living room. Vi lays down on the couch, as she can hear Caitlyn in the background cleaning up the kitchen. The last sounds Vi heard was Caitlyn speaking in a quiet voice as Vi drifted off to sleep.
---
Vi doesn’t know how long she is asleep, but by the time she opens her eyes it’s dark outside. She’s still on the couch, but Caitlyn is curled up next to her now. Vi tries to re-orient herself as carefully as possible, but it doesn’t take long for Caitlyn to begin stirring next to her.
“You’re awake.” Caitlyn sleepily sits up leaning on her left elbow, looking over at Vi. “I’m sorry for scaring you.”
“What happened?”
If Vi hadn’t known Caitlyn so well she wouldn’t have noticed, but a slight tint of pink briefly flashes over her cheeks before quickly going away. Before speaking, Caitlyn begins caressing Vi’s face, still holding eye contact the entire time.
“I… got scared. When you had walked out the kitchen. I thought I saw flashing lights near the window. I don’t know, maybe a police or medical vehicle. But between the lights and the shadows of the trees, I thought I was back in the tunnel when your sister…” Caitlyn shakes her head, bringing herself back to the present. “It made me jump and I brought the knife down a bit too hard on the onion.”
“Your eyes were bloodshot. You were shaking and looking all over the place. You seemed to not even be truly here anymore. I thought something had happened to you. I thought-”
“When I cut the onion too hard, onion juice started squirting everywhere.”
“Huh?”
“Onion juice got in my eye. My eyes were burning. I couldn’t see and dropped the knife.”
Vi just stares at Caitlyn when the flush of pink passes over her cheeks again, not fading away this time. She stares at Caitlyn’s left wrist holding up her head, which Caitlyn has now properly covered with some of Vi’s training hand wraps. A slight shiver runs through Vi as she realizes just how much of her arm Caitlyn had to cover.
“Onion juice got in your eye…”
“Yes.”
“Which caused you to drop the knife…”
“Yes.”
“The probably onion juice covered knife that ended up slashing your wrist.”
A sad smile forms on Caitlyn’s face and she looks down, not speaking.
“Between getting onion juice in your eye, cutting yourself, and getting onion juice in the wound,” Vi stares up at Caitlyn, “that is why you were yelling for me to come back. For me not to leave.”
“I guess I didn’t think through how it may have sounded.”
Vi leans back and closes her eyes. Caitlyn continues caressing the right side of her face, not saying anything.
“What happened to Jayce and the others?”
“I told them I had accidentally burnt the chicken and we would have to reschedule. Luckily, the chance of me burning food is so high they all believed me. I offered to pay for their replacement dinner.”
They both remain quiet. Vi can feel her heartbeat become steady again. It was calm, it was quiet.
Vi’s not in her past anymore.
Vi’s here.
Vi’s safe.
Caitlyn’s safe.
Yes.
Most importantly, Caitlyn’s safe.
“Can we make an agreement?”
“Hmm?” Vi opens her eyes as Caitlyn’s still looking at her, hand resting on Vi’s cheek.
“Moving forward,” Vi reaches for Caitlyn’s arm and pulls her back down to the couch, wrapping her arm around her waist. “No more onions. Also, you’re not allowed to hold any more knives. Not even a butter knife. Just spoons. Spoons are safe. Maybe a spork on certain occasions.”
“Deal and honestly,” the smile Vi loves so much spreads across Caitlyn’s face again as she curls into Vi’s arms. “I don’t even like onions.”