Work Text:
DAVE: kanaya
KANAYA: I Am Kanaya Maryam
DAVE: you are kanaya maryam
KANAYA: I Am
DAVE: great work kanaya
KANAYA: I Am Doing A Wonderful Job
DAVE: hell yeah
KANAYA: Hell Yeah
KANAYA: Have You Been Eating Strawberry Flavored Pop-tarts Dave
DAVE: yeah kanaya ive eaten several boxes of strawberry flavored pop-tarts today how can you tell
KANAYA: I Smell It In Your Blood
DAVE: please do not consume my blood
KANAYA: I Will Wait Until You Are Sleeping
DAVE: i need my blood kanaya
DAVE: what about osmisis jones
DAVE: osmosis jones you cant eat my osmosis jones hes going on detective adventures in my veins
DAVE: you have to consume someone elses blood
KANAYA: Im Sorry Dave Im Afraid I Cant Do That
KANAYA: You Shouldnt Have Eaten All Of Those Succulent Strawberry Flavored Pop-tarts
KANAYA: I Love Blood That Tastes Like Strawberry Flavored Pop-tarts This Is Why I Attached That Spout To Karkat
DAVE: i was wondering why karkat had a spout that just constantly dripped blood like embedded in his body like some kind of horrible gory maple tree
KANAYA: I Had Considered Just Stabbing Him With A Bendy Straw But I Decided This Was A Better Long-Term Solution
KANAYA: He Doesn't Mind The Spout Actually He Loves It
DAVE: yeah youre probably right he loves spouts
KANAYA: Anyway Give Me Your Blood Little Man
DAVE: ahhh i am running away ahhh im dave
KANAYA: Bleh-Bleh Bleh-Bleh
Karkat shows up and the studio audience start clapping really hard and screaming and crying and someone in the front row starts having a heart attack and nobody even notices because they're too busy losing their shit over Karkat.
KARKAT: HI GUYS I'M KARKAT VANTAS OH SHIT KANAYA WHY ARE YOU CHASING DAVE!!!!!!
KANAYA: His Blood Karakt
KARKAT: FAIR POINT. IF I WAS A RAINBOW DRINKER, I WOULD KILL HIM.
DAVE: what does that mean karkat what
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU SAUCY SON OF A BITCH!!
KANAYA: Yeah You Know What Hes Talking About
KANAYA: You Saucy Saucy Son of a Bitch
Dave ends up slipping and falling in a puddle of blood that has formed on the floor from Karkat's spout.
DAVE: OIEEEE!!!!! ZOINKS!!!!!!!! AHH
KARKAT: THIS IS MY PURPOSE
KARKAT: THIS IS WHY I AM THE KNIGHT.
KARKAT: OF BLOOD.
KARKAT: BOW BEFORE ME AND WEEP. I AM GETTING UP ON A TABLE NOW AND STANDING ON IT.
KARKAT: WEEP BEFORE YOUR NEW GOD.
KARKAT: I AM NOT A KIND GOD.
KARKAT: NOT A CARING GOD.
KARKAT: I AM THE GOD OF BLOOD. AND OF PEOPLE SLIPPING IN PUDDLES OF BLOOD.
KARKAT: JUST FORMING LAKES OF HORRIFIC SCARLET SLUDGE AT MY FEET. DARING FOOLISH MORTALS TO TRY AND TRAVERSE THEM. YOU CAN'T. YOU'LL SLIP. YOU PIECE OF SHIT
KARKAT: I HOLD
KARKAT: WITHIN THIS SPOUT JUST SORT OF CRAMMED INTO AN OPEN WOUND IN THE SIDE OF MY TORSO.
KARKAT: THE POWER
KARKAT: THE POWER OF LIFE AND DEATH
KARKAT: I'M GETTING KIND OF LIGHT-HEADED ACTUALLY WOW.
KARKAT: I WILL RULE THE METEOR WITH AN IRON FIST.
KARKAT: ANY WHO OPPOSE ME WILL COMICALLY SLIP IN A PUDDLE OF MY BLOOD AND DO A LITTLE SPIN IN THE AIR AND FALL ON THEIR ASS AND CRY AND SHIT AND PUKE AND DIE AND IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT. THEIR FAULT FOR HAVING THE HURBIS THE HURBSI THE BURBIS THE HUBRIS. THE HUBRIS TO THINK THAT THEY CAN OPPOSE ME. AND MY UNFATHOMABLE POWER.
KARKAT: THIS IS MY DESTINY.
KARKAT: THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE KARKAT VANTAS.
KARKAT: KANAYA STOP LICKING THE
KARKAT: STOP LICKING UP THE PUDDLE
KARKAT: YOU KISS ROSE WITH THAT MOUTH????
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: HEY DAVE ARE YOU OKAY?
KARKAT: DAVE?
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: SHIT. WAS THAT JUST? THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY THAT WAS HEROIC. HOW WAS THAT JUST? HE JUST SLIPPED IN A PUDDLE. WHAT THE HELL? WAS THAT JUST SUCH A COMICALLY PATHETIC WAY TO DIE THAT PARADOX SPACE DECIDED IT WAS JUST OUT OF SHEER EMBARRASSMENT THAT HE'D LET THAT HAPPEN TO HIM, OR MORE THAT HE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO BECOME A GOD WHILE BEING THE KIND OF PERSON WHO JUST SLIPS IN A PUDDLE AND DIES LIKE AN IDIOT?
KARKAT: HM.
KARKAT: THIS IS A DOOMED TIMELINE, ISN'T IT.