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Chapter Text

Vince pushed his dirty blond fringe out of his eyes, but there was no point.  His hair only had two stages.  It was either so greasy it clung to his face (multiplying his spots) or so dry and wispy it did nothing but hang straight into his eyes.  He'd washed his hair an hour earlier, so he probably had a good two hours until he was a greasy mess again.

There was no way he could be any age but fifteen.  At no other point was the human body such a disgusting disaster.  Vincent Norton's voice had finally stopped cracking, and he was growing hair where a man was supposed to grow hair.  Thin, light blond hair that looked more like dandelion fluff than proper hair.  It added to the general disgusting quality of his short and chubby frame.  Everyone promised it would get better, but Vince was feeling less than confident.  That was one of the many reasons why he alternated between crying and throwing things.

No one could look at Vincent Norton and think he was an adult.  He was a poster child for the ravages of puberty.

"So, Vincey," Bob Fossil leered.  "I see you're eighteen.  You know, that's an adult where I come from."

Vince didn't ask if Mr. Fossil meant America or Vietnam.  He mentioned both places frequently.

"Well, sixteen is an adult here," Vince pointed out.  He never knew where Mr. Fossil was going with any of his statements.  The man just seemed to say whatever popped into his head.

"I see," Fossil said with a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows.  "You'll be working under Howard Moon.  He's a dick!  He's an ugly, disgusting fox bummer, and he smells like foot cheese sandwiches!  I think the two of you will get along.  He's one of our best keepers, but if you tell him I said that, I will have to kill someone."

"Me or Howard?  Or just some random person?" Vince asked out of curiosity.

"What are you talking about?" Fossil roared.

"Nothing."

Fossil grabbed an intercom and bellowed, "Howard Moon, get your filthy, fox-bumming ass to my office!  There's a sweet piece of... new employee you need to whip into shape."

Vince's hands were sweating and he felt self-conscious about the way his zoo uniform was clinging to his belly, but he was excited to have a job.  And mildly flattered that someone, even if it was Bob Fossil, thought he was attractive.

xxx

"Is this a joke?"

Vince fell in love with the voice before he even saw Howard.  It was a rich and masculine voice.  He had just enough of a Northern accent to sound exotic to a boy who had never left Shoreditch.

When Vince turned to look at Howard, his mouth fell open.  His new supervisor was tall, dark, and handsome.  He was a bit of a shambles, with his shirttails hanging out and his stubbled cheeks, but his eyes were dark and kind, and his hair was roguishly curly and disheveled.  Vince hadn't quite worked out if he liked girls or boys or both, but he knew he liked Howard.  He could feel himself blushing and breaking out in hives.  Vince stared at his trainers and willed Howard to look at him and see something desirable.

"Are we running a preschool?" Howard asked.  "This kid does not have a degree.  I'm guessing he doesn't have his GCSEs, either."

Vince gave a guilty start, but stayed quiet.

"His paperwork is in order, Moon!  I'm in charge here, not you.  I don't care about your fancy degrees or your fancy dungarees.  You are a piece of shit, Moon!"

Vince cringed at the verbal assault, but Howard looked bored.  It seemed to be typical of their exchanges.

"Come on, then," Howard sighed.  "I'll have you shoveling animal dung like a pro in no time."

xxx

Vince's parents should have been right.  He shouldn't have been able to get a job or live on his own without finishing school.  When he had dropped out (not that he'd done anything official; he'd just stopped going), he had fully expected to go crawling back to his parents as soon as Leroy got sick of putting him up in his flat.  Instead, he answered an ad in the paper.

Zoo Keeper needed.  No experience necessary.  Know-it-all dickheads who get a boner for jazz fusion need not apply.

Vince did not know what jazz fusion was, so he applied.  He was interviewed by a tall and strikingly handsome Black man, with a disconcertingly reddish-blond mane of hair and a tremendous mustache, who introduced himself as Dixon Bainbridge.  He only asked Vince a handful of questions, none of them about animals, and gave him a job and a uniform.  He was told to report to Bob Fossil and instructed, "Whatever you do, do not let him dance."

Bainbridge had asked a lot of questions about Vince's parents and if anyone cared where he was or what he was doing.  Vince was mildly concerned that he was about to be murdered, but anything was better than going back to school.

xxx

Vince followed Howard closely (repeatedly stepping on the back of his shoes).  Even when he was yelling at Vince and calling him a berk, Howard looked quite handsome.  He had a mustache, which should have been creepy, but Vince liked it on Howard.  It made him look like an old-fashioned movie star.

"This is Bollo.  No one knows how old he is or where he came from.  No paperwork at all.  It's like he came for a visit one day and got locked in a cage," Howard explained.  He had one foot up on the edge of Bollo's cage and spoke in a grand manner, like he was an actor in a fancy play.

"Bollo not like to reveal age.  Good to keep some things to self."

Vince looked around to see who had spoken.

"Am I boring you, Little Man?" Howard asked testily.  Vince snapped to attention, his cheeks pinking at the nickname.  He'd always wanted a nickname that wasn't horrible and offensive.

Vince tried to focus, but someone kept speaking over Howard is a deep and raspy voice.  Vince tried to tune the voice out, but he was getting a serious craving for a banana.

"Can spotty, chubby boy understand Bollo?"

Vince looked at the gorilla and then tried to suck in his stomach.

"What's going on, Vince?" Howard asked, no longer looking irritated.  His face was so close to Vince's, Vince could smell the unsweetened tea on Howard's breath.

"I thought I heard someone say..."

"Hey, doughy boy.  You hear what Bollo say?"

"I'm not doughy!" Vince yelled.  "I been trying to lose weight..."

"Are you talking to Bollo?" Howard asked.

Vince tried to think of something to say, something not crazy and that might make Howard fall madly in love with Vince and want to kiss him and...  Vince wasn't sure what he thought about what would come after snogging.  That could get a bit scary, even if he was wrapped in Howard's strong arms and feeling safe and wanted.

Howard snapped his fingers in front of Vince's face.

"Wake up, Little Man.  What is going on?"

"I don't know," Vince answered honestly.

"Bollo give you good tips to get rid of spots if you bring banana."

Vince turned to the talking gorilla and yelled, "Quit making me self-conscious!  It's me first day, I'm nervous enough."

Howard looked from Vince to Bollo and back to Vince.

"Can you understand what he's saying?"

Vince kicked at the ground and mumbled, "S'pose so."

"Ask him what Jack Cooper has been saying about me."

xxx

"This is the keeper hut.  The keeper hut is a very special place," Howard explained as he gestured toward the modest space.  "This is where we come to unwind and share tales of..."

"Shoveling dung?" Vince supplied.

"Shoveling dung is an essential task, Little Man.  Nothing is more important than the health and well-being of our animals.  We are their keepers, and no job should be too big or too small for us," Howard explained in a grand manner.  Vince was 100% sure he would be stuck with all the dung shoveling from that day forward. Howard had done a little of the work to demonstrate proper technique, but clearly fancied himself an important person in need of an underling to whom he could delegate.

Vince would happily shovel dung for Howard.  His love for Howard was the kind of love that could only come from a chubby, spotty, fifteen-year-old loser.  Vince's plan to win Howard's heart (or at least his libido) was to simper and grovel.  When he wasn't looking at Howard, his feelings seemed pathetic, but when Howard tried to widen his little eyes and spoke in his grand way, Vince only had enough dignity to not actually swoon.

Vince sat on a lumpy sofa while Howard made tea.  Vince hadn't packed a lunch because he was desperately trying to lose weight, and he was starving.  When Howard brought out a very boring-looking sandwich and a tin of biscuits, Vince was afraid he'd start drooling.

Their hands barely touched as Howard handed him half of his own sandwich, but Vince was grateful his jacket was a bit long and was hopefully covering his sudden erection.

"You'll be needing to pack a lunch, Little Man.  You're a growing boy."

And with his kind and paternal words, Howard had jabbed an ice pick into Vince's fragile heart.  Howard saw him as a child.

"I'll be sixteen in a couple weeks," Vince retorted.  It was more like seventeen weeks, but he certainly wasn't a little kid.

"I was eighteen when I started working here," Howard replied calmly.  "And I was 5'11".  I've grown three inches since then.  You've got growing to do.  You'll change."

Vince was staring intently into Howard's eyes and nearly jumped when another keeper entered the hut.  It was Judy from the Spider Villa.  Howard had pointed her out from a distance, and Vince had thought she was very pretty and looked like a nice girl.  Then he saw the way she looked at Howard and the way Howard shyly ducked in her presence, and Vince found he hated Judy and everything she stood for.

While Howard and Judy exchanged awkward pleasantries, Vince did his best to be friendly as he imagined Judy getting a nasty spider bite that made her face swell up and her lovely blond hair fall out.  He wouldn't wish any real harm on her—just a period of being really, really gross.

He didn't want Howard eyeing up girls.  He didn't want Howard's little eyes on anyone but Vince.  When Judy left, Howard glanced at Vince and turned red.

"No way, Howard!" Vince teased.  "She is well out of your league."

Howard frowned. "Sometimes I think Judy and I are soul mates.  Perhaps we met in another life..."

"If you did, they you must have borrowed a bunch of money off her and not paid it back, 'cause she has got some major hostility towards you!" Vince lied off the top of his head.  He felt a little bad when Howard seemed to be taking him seriously, but Vince couldn't help himself any more than he could stop eating Jelly Tots.  He was a slave to his urges.  His mother said it was all part of growing up, but Vince was fairly certain he was pure liquid evil.  And fat.

Howard returned to chattering about the zoo, and Vince half-listened as he tried to stare at Howard in a casual way.  The Northerner was attractive, but Vince wasn't sure what was drawing him so strongly.  Vince normally fancied more androgynous people, like Bowie and Joan, and Howard was pretty masculine.  Vince also liked cool people, and Howard was the very definition of square.

But there was something larger than life about Howard.  He was like the Doctor from Doctor Who; Howard was in a specific time and space, but he was not of it.  He was clearly too good for the zoo, and yet he was treated like dirt by the people and even the animals.  Only Judy seemed to see what Vince saw.

He asked Howard what kind of spider would make a person's face swell up like the Elephant Man.  Of course, Howard had an answer.

xxx

"Quit trembling, you'll change its sex," Howard ordered.  Vince wondered if anything Howard said was really true.  He seemed to have a lot of strange knowledge at his fingertips.  They'd already sung to an enraged llama and Howard had demonstrated how to ride a porpoise.  No one seemed to notice the animals were talking, and Howard kept insisting that Vince had a very special gift because he understood them.  Occasionally, he'd catch Howard looking in the direction of one of the speaking animals, clearly sensing it was communicating, but since he hadn't gone after Jack Cooper with a cattle prod, Vince assumed Howard really didn't understand a word being said.

Vince had never heard an animal speak before, but he'd always wanted to.  He'd used to stare at animals in the zoo and try to send them psychic messages.

"Motherfuck!  How do I get out of here?"

Vince searched for the source of the tiny voice.

"I'm in the lion's den, you spotty git!  Get me out of here before he wakes up!"

Vince looked into the lion's 'den,' an inhumanely small cage with bars.  The lion was sleeping.  In the corner, a field mouse was trying to scrabble his way up towards the bars, but the sleek metal gave him no purchase.

"Howard, there's a mouse stuck in the lion's den.  What should we do?" Vince asked.

"Save him, you dumb fuck!" screamed the mouse.

Howard jumped into action.  He sent Vince to the other side of the cage to act as a distraction, in case the lion woke up as he snatched the mouse up by his tail.

"Thanks, mate," the mouse sighed, happily climbing into Howard's pocket.  "What a fucking day I've had.  Your partner is useless."

"Hey!" Vince protested.  "I'm the one who heard you yelling."

"What?  You wanna medal?" the mouse sneered, poking his adorable face out of Howard's pocket.

Howard headed to the Petite Animal Boutique and placed the mouse into a hutch.
"What are you doing?" the mouse squealed.  "You can't lock me up!  I've got 178 kids at home...  So, there's just food and water in here all the time?  And exercise equipment?"

Vince watched the mouse jump on the exercise wheel and then turned to Howard.

"Why do we need a field mouse display?  Ain't they just running around?"

Howard shrugged. "We need all the animals we can get.   This zoo is falling apart."

"Can I get some music in here?" squealed the mouse.  "You know, something to keep my energy up, so I can really go for the burn."

Howard looked at him strangely as Vince placed his walkman and headphones on top of the hutch and blasted some Moby.

"Fuck yeah!" the mouse squeaked as he picked up his pace.  "I am going to be ripped!"

Howard shook his head. "You have a real gift, Little Man."

Vince wasn't sure if Howard was being serious or sarcastic, but he blushed anyway.

xxx

That night, Vince took Mr. Bollo's advice.  He mixed two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar with water and honey and drank it and then dabbed the vinegar onto his spots.  Bollo swore it would help his skin and his waistline.

Vince went to bed imagining himself clear-faced and slim, and how Howard would see him in a different light.

Maybe Howard would make a move.  Maybe they could snog in the keeper's hut.  Vince fell asleep fantasizing about life with his new boyfriend and their future vague sexual activities.

Chapter Text

Howard's eyes widened to nearly the size of regular eyes when he saw Vince. Vince tried to be casual, as though it were normal for a growing boy to lose all of his spots and half a stone over night.

"Looks like you're getting a handle on things here," was Howard's cryptic response.

"Bollo give me some tips..."

"Of course he did. Enough chit chat, we have a big day. We need to get the Spider Villa sorted out."

"I thought Judy was in charge of Spider Villa," Vince sneered. "I guess Judy can't handle a few creepy crawlies."

"Actually, she's in hospital," Howard said in a somber tone.

"What happened?" Vince squawked, suddenly filled with guilt for wishing her ill. It wasn't her fault that Howard went all adorably red-faced and shy around her. She had seemed no more certain of how to get a leg over with Howard than Vince.

"A spider bit her on the face," Howard explained matter-of-factly. "Her face swelled up and her hair fell out. Don't worry, Little Man. She'll be fine. She'll just be a bit... grotesque for a while, and I offered to cover her department."

When Vince's knees buckled, Howard gently guided him to the lumpy chair and made him a cup of tea. He insisted Vince eat a few biscuits, citing Vince's miraculous overnight weight loss as the cause of his shakiness.

xxx

"Howard Moon, get your ugly, hairy, stupid face out of your own ass and please report to my office."

It was only Vince's fourth day on the job and he had already become accustomed to Fossil's eccentric announcements. The concept of professionalism seemed to have no place in Bob Fossil's Zooniverse. Howard heaved a heavy sigh and complained about never being able to get "anything done". The fact that Howard had been sitting on a bench eating a packet of crisps clearly did not lessen his annoyance at being disturbed.

"You get to sweeping while I find out what Fossil wants," Howard sighed. "And remember to put your back into it."

Being in love with Howard Moon was not an easy thing, but Vince was happier than he'd ever been. He needed to be happy, lest an irritable thought put someone in hospital.

"All right?" he called to the small man in a turban manning a camel-shaped kiosk. "I'm called Vince. Are you like a genie or something?"

"I'm Naboo, that's who," the man answered with a dignity and seriousness that was undermined by his thick South London accent and lisp.

"Cool. I like your robes, they're genius. These uniforms are deadly dull."

Naboo looked Vince up and down. "I could sell you some badges, add a bit of flair."

"I thought you only sold magic stuff," Vince observed. "You know, that and weed."

Naboo laughed. "You can't sell magic items to non-magic people. It's a paperwork nightmare."

Vince nodded and did his best to look sympathetic. Just standing near Naboo's kiosk was making him dizzy.

"Too bad. You could sell me an enchanted broom, so I wouldn't have to sweep all the time," Vince observed, more to make conversation than anything.

Naboo looked very serious.

"No enchanted brooms, Vince. Bad juju, that. You ever see the movie Fantasia?"

Vince laughed. "That was well cautionary. Them brooms went mental."

"Based on a true story," Naboo continued. "Happened to my mate's brother. He was stripped of his powers and had to go work in a Dixon's."

"Wow, that's pretty sad."

"Not really, he gets a good discount."

"Well, it was nice talking to you and all, but I better finish sweeping before Howard gets back. You know how he is after he's met with Fossil," Vince explained, slowly backing away.

"I know all about Howard and Bob Fossil," Naboo said enigmatically.

For a moment, Vince thought Naboo was implying there was something sexual between Howard and Fossil. He had a visual that nearly made him throw up before he dismissed the idea as ridiculous.

He wavered between getting back to work and gossiping with a stoned man in a turban, but not for long.

"So, what's the deal with Fossil? Why does he hate Howard so much?" Vince asked after looking around for eavesdroppers. "I know Howard can be a bit bossy, but he's a good egg. Well smart, and he knows all about animals, and his eyes crinkle up when he smiles, and his hair..."

"Yeah," Naboo smirked. "Howard is one hot piece of ass."

Vince blushed and stared at his trainers.

"Listen, Vince. Real soon, you're going to have to make a decision. Are you going to stay in the Zooniverse, or do you want to be part of the real world? You can't have both."

"Whaddja mean?" Vince asked, feeling a panic rise in the pit of his stomach.

"Do animals talk to you when you're outside of the Zooniverse?"

"No."

"Good, so there's still time for you to decide. Most people don't get absorbed as quickly as you. Not even Howard, and he nearly took this place over."

"Wot? You mean from Fossil?" Vince had wondered why Fossil was in charge when he didn't seem to know anything about animals. It had taken Vince fifteen minutes to work out that a 'rat-bear with Thriller eyes and a tube sock on his tail' was a Ring-tailed Lemur.

Naboo shook his head. "More complicated than that, Vince. Just choose carefully, okay? It's a big decision you're making."

"I ain't makin' any decisions!" Vince squawked. "I'm just doin' whatever Howard tells me to."

"Did Howard tell you to grow two inches taller and get rid of your spots? And get rid of Judy?"

Vince wanted to say he was a growing boy, but he knew there was no point in lying to Naboo.

"Don't tell Fossil we talked," Naboo whispered when they spotted Howard returning. "He thinks I'm a mute and it's working in my favor, if you know what I mean."

Vince did not know what anyone meant. "Why does he think you're a mute?"

"Cause he's an idiot."

xxx

Howard pined for Judy. As far as Vince could work out, Howard had never gotten any further than the awkward greetings stage, but he seemed sure Judy was the love of his life. Vince was careful not to wish anything unkind on Judy; he just really hoped she wouldn't come back.

Judy didn't come back.

When a female visitor to the zoo started chatting Howard up, Vince wished it would rain and she would go away. The skies opened with a downpour that sent everyone running for shelter.

When Howard took a shine to the lady that delivered their mail, Vince was not surprised to find that the next week, there was a new mail carrier. Vince didn't know how to bring Howard closer, but he knew how to make the girls go away.

He could make them all go away.

Naboo gave him disapproving looks, but Vince wasn't going to be taken in by Naboo's mumbo jumbo. According to Howard, Naboo was just a nutter in a kiosk.

xxx

"Bainbridge wants to talk to you."

Howard's serious expression and tone did not seem to match the banal information.

"Wot? Am I getting sacked?" Vince asked. If they tried to fire him, he would go all Carrie on their asses. He finally had a place he belonged, and he wouldn't give it up without a fight. Especially not before he at least got a snog from Howard.

Howard struck a dramatic pose by a window. "No, Little Man. He's going to ask you some questions, and your answers are going to be important."

"What kind of questions?"

"I have no idea."

"Then how will I know the right way to answer?" Vince asked, feeling panicky.

Howard shrugged. "You'll know. Or you won't."

"That ain't helpful at all!"

Howard gave Vince an enigmatic smile. "Little Man, there are some things you have to do on your own."

"Like cleaning cages and sweeping?" It was the first time he'd really gotten sassy with Howard, but the older man gave him an indulgent smile.

"Manual labor builds character."

xxx

Bainbridge asked a lot of questions. Vince tried to sort out what the man was getting at, but everything seemed random. Howard said he would know how to answer or he wouldn't. He didn't, and he was very afraid of being kicked out of the Zooniverse. He was afraid of being kicked out of the one place he had ever belonged, and he really, really didn't want to lose Howard. He didn't really think his plan of eliminating every female in sight until Howard was forced to turn gay would work, but he liked being with Howard. He liked the way they talked about nothing and fed into each other's silliness. Howard called it banter and said it was an important part of a double act. Vince had always assumed double acts were meant for the stage or TV, not zoos, but Howard assured him that, like Jell-o, there was always room for a double act.

"What's your opinion on red squirrels?"

"How much cheese would you say is too much cheese for a man to eat?"

"Do you reckon you could outrun a rhinoceros?"

"What's going on here?" Vince asked, feeling overwhelmed by the endless questions. "Why am I here?"

"That, my boy, is precisely what I am trying to figure out," was Bainbridge's utterly useless response.

"I just want to take care of the animals and help out Howard."

Bainbridge smirked. "Now it makes sense. You can go."

"What makes sense?" Vince asked, completely lost.

"You."

Vince was so confused, he bumped into the door when trying to leave. As he stumbled out of the room, still unsure if he had passed whatever test, he noticed Bainbridge looked different than before. His hair was still inexplicably reddish brown, but it was getting a bit curly in a way that reminded Vince of his dad.

xxx

Vince was a growing boy. He'd grown four inches in five months, and he'd lost over a stone. His skin was clear and his hair was amazing. The formerly fine and greasy mess could now be formed into a helmet of hair that could be seen by passing airplanes. Vince also found he was a natural at sewing and he'd made his zoo jacket look awesome with badges he'd bought from Naboo. For some reason, Bainbridge (who had shrunk about five inches since his first interview with Vince and was looking rather pale) allowed Vince to redesign the Zooniverse symbol. Vince called it a monkey head, but Howard said it looked more like a Mexican wrestler. Either way, Vince was delighted to see his work all over the zoo, even on Howard. Sometimes Vince would stare at Howard's shoulder, seeing his stamp on the Northerner's body, until Howard yelled at him to get to work.

Vince was still living with Leroy (only now he was paying rent), and he finally had something of a social life, but he hated to leave work at the end of the day. Nothing in the real world was as good as the Zooniverse. Howard teased Vince about how much he enjoyed even the most menial tasks, and Vince made up silly excuses, like that he'd drawn happy faces on his trainers, so he was incapable of being sad. In reality, being with Howard made him feel giddy, like he'd had too much fizzy pop.

Howard was starting to look at him in a new way. He was more attentive to what Vince had to say and asked him questions where he had only delivered monologues before. Sometimes Vince lost his train of thought under the weight of Howard's amused attention, but he kept talking, desperate to keep Howard's eyes on him.

Once, when they were in the keeper's lodge, Vince had been teasing Howard about his scruffy beard and he touched Howard's face. Howard had jumped back like he'd been burned. Nothing had come of it and they never spoke of it, but something had changed. Howard wasn't showing any particular interest, but he was no longer treating Vince like a sexless child. Sometimes he would point out a teenage girl to Vince, as though to say, "That's what you're supposed to want. Go chase after that."

Vince wasn't indifferent to girls. In fact, he'd nearly got off with a girl at a party, but he'd been too drunk and had ended up puking on her shoes. Up until then, the snogging had been nice. In the real world, Vince could appreciate the female form, but nothing in the real world compared to the Zooniverse, and no one compared to Howard.

Vince tried to spend time with Howard outside of the zoo, but Howard would have none of it.

"I'm a man of the world," he would say, "and you're too young to drink in pubs."

Vince had a fake ID that said otherwise, and along with his height and weight loss, he was looking older as well. People were guessing him to be in his early twenties, when six months ago they had been guessing he was twelve.

Vince's fake ID said Vince Noir. Howard never spoke directly of the strange happenings in the Zooniverse, but when Vince had been preparing to stitch Norton onto his jacket, Howard had asked, "Are you sure about that?"

He hadn't elaborated; he'd just looked at Vince until it became clear. He could call himself Mick Jagger at the zoo, and no one would question it. He was giving his look a makeover, but Vince realized he was still thinking small.

He changed his name to Noir, and no one batted an eyelash. They were paid in cash weekly (in Euros), so there was no paperwork to worry about.

He chose Noir because it was French and fancy sounding. He kept the name Vince, because he liked the way Howard said his name. He couldn't imagine any other name sounding as good.

xxx

Vince had no idea how long he'd been working at the zoo when Mrs. Gideon arrived. He didn't need Naboo's meaningful looks to tell him he was hitting a critical stage. The real world was getting blurrier. Sometimes he came home from a day at work to be told by Leroy that he'd been gone for a week. The zoo was getting bigger, and the real world was getting smaller. Vince wasn't sure how long he had to jump ship, but the idea of leaving the Zooniverse was unbearable. He bantered with Howard, played table tennis with Mr. Bollo, and partied with Techno Mouse. Sometimes Fossil tried to get Vince to sit in his lap, but otherwise, the zoo was a near paradise.

When Mrs. Gideon arrived, she was in her early seventies. Her husband had only recently died, and she was leaving the world of academia to work in a zoo because she was lonely. She treated her snakes like children. She was such a sad case, Vince could barely look at her. Her pain was palpable.

Howard, on the other hand, was entranced. Howard loved sad and dreary things. Howard said it was beautiful that Mrs. Gideon had loved her husband so much that his death left her a sorry shell of her former self. Vince was pretty sure that if he lost Howard, he would crumble into dust and be blown away by the wind. Too bad it would be impossible for Howard to see Vince mourning for him, because Howard would definitely think Vince was beautiful while he was wasting away with grief.

Sometimes Vince considered making his chin a bit smaller and his nose a bit less odd, but he loved it when Howard made jokes about his strange features. He couldn't imagine Howard having as much to say about a cute little ski jump nose. Vince had learned a lot of things at the zoo, and one of those things was that pretty and perfect were boring. The handsome men he had once envied now seemed bland and generic. It was the same with pretty girls and pretty songs. Weird was where it was at.

"Why do you think she's here?" Vince asked as he cleaned Bollo's cage. Howard was sitting on a bench, eating a packet of crisps and watching.

"Who?"

"Gideon."

"Because she works here, you berk," Howard snorted. "You've been spending too much time with Techno Mouse. It's softening your brain."

"No." Vince took a deep breath. "Why is Gideon at the Zooniverse? Most of the people who come here are really young and don't know how to do anything, but she's been trouncing about in the Amazon looking at snakes. Why is she here?"

He watched Howard and willed him to be honest. Howard stared at his crisps.

"Howard?"

"People are drawn here for all kinds of reasons, Vince."

Vince climbed out of the cage and sat next to Howard on the bench. He sat too close, but Howard was used to it and didn't bother moving. The Northerner looked pale.

"What drew you here?" Vince asked in a wavering voice. He had never dared to ask Howard such a direct question about the zoo before.

"Tommy," Howard whispered. "He needed someone because Fossil... He needed a protégé to keep the zoo on track."

"And you showed up..."

"And now Tommy is gone, and the zoo is falling apart."

Howard looked heartbroken and Vince had no idea what to do. He'd never met Tommy, but Howard talked about him entirely too often. Vince was perpetually jealous of Howard's attention and was not above hating a dead man for taking up too much of Howard's brain. It wasn't like Vince could hurt Tommy with his angry thoughts. He could be as petty as he liked.

"You do a great job, Howard, and..."

"I can't do anything properly," Howard said in a dull and flat voice. "I'm rubbish on my own. If it weren't for you being able to talk to the animals, I don't know what I would do."

Vince wanted to hug Howard, but had already been lectured about personal space on several occasions.

"Do you think that's why I'm here?" Vince asked hopefully. "Do you think I'm here to help you with the zoo, 'cause you needed someone to help you? 'Cause it was only you trying to take care of things properly, and that's too much for one person?"

Howard's smile didn't reach his eyes, but there was warmth in his voice when he said, "I did used to think I needed one of those kids raised by wolves..."

"And then I showed up, like Mowgli in flares."

Howard laughed with his whole body. Nothing made Vince happier than making Howard really laugh. His mentor was prone to being dramatic and overly serious, but when he laughed, he was like a big kid. He'd asked Howard's age a few times and had been given nonsense and bluster instead of answers. He was pretty sure Howard had no idea anymore.

"I'm glad you did, Vince," Howard said as he wiped tears from his eyes. "Flares and all."

Chapter Text

Mrs. Gideon's transformation was subtle at first.  Vince could hardly blame her for wanting to get rid of a few grey hairs or have a little extra spring in her step.  He found it somewhat alarming to watch the grandmotherly figure become younger and more attractive, but although he had the occasional sex nightmare about her, Vince supported her transformation.

Until he caught Howard checking her out.

He wondered if it was Howard that was speeding along her transformation.  The idea sent him into a jealous rage, but he found he couldn't so much as make Gideon spill a cup of lukewarm tea on herself.  It shouldn't have been a surprise that someone so brainy could work the mysteries of the zoo to her advantage, but Vince was still at a loss.  Howard barely bothered to look at girls anymore, and even though Vince felt the occasional twinge of guilt, he wouldn't voluntarily give up a moment of Howard's attention.  All Gideon cared about were her books and snakes, and yet she had Howard's full attention, leaving Vince to dance like a monkey just for a distracted smile.

Maybe that was what had happened to Bob Fossil.  The thought made him shudder.

Vince asked Leroy for advice, but all his flatmate wanted to talk about was the fact Vince had only been away for three minutes and seemed to have aged a year.  Leroy was a bit of a pill at times, and Vince loved him for it.  He had a feeling Leroy and Howard would get along, but Leroy refused to step foot in the Zooniverse, and Vince was still a persona non grata to Howard outside of work.

So he turned to Naboo, the wisest man he knew.

"Listen, Vince.  You won't get anywhere with Howard by trying to get in the way of him and Gideon," Naboo warned.  "Howard's a glutton for punishment.  Whatever you do will only make him more determined to chase after her.  Just let it go, and things will work out."

It was sage advice that Vince completely ignored.  It wasn't long before Mrs. Gideon was a weird combination of sexy and matronly that had the entire zoo confused.  There weren't many women at the Zooniverse, and those who were around were quiet, frumpy types that kept to themselves.  Vince couldn't blame them; he was frequently mistaken for an ugly woman, and he got hit on a lot.  Howard no longer bothered to correct those who thought Vince was his girlfriend or wife.  It was an act of kindness on Howard's part, shielding Vince from a lot of unwanted attention.

Judy had been pretty, and she hadn't lasted more than a day in Vince's presence.  Maybe the women of the Zooniverse were wise to slouch and blend into the background.

When Howard talked to Gideon, Vince pushed with all his might.  He did his best to freeze Howard's tongue, make him drop things, or stumble over his own feet.  He coaxed animals to act up and make it impossible for Howard to be heard (and sometimes they threw poo, but that was never Vince's idea).  Vince once got Mr. Bollo to hit Howard in the head with a banana.  Mr. Bollo was oddly eager to help out.  The animals really weren't fond of Howard, and Vince had no idea why.  Howard could be grumpy, but he cared about the animals and did his best by them.

Howard tried again and again to gain Mrs. Gideon's attention, but she remained utterly indifferent.  Vince at least knew he wasn't to blame for that.  Being uninterested in Howard wasn't something he could even imagine.  Howard kept plugging along, chasing Gideon, awkward and off-putting even before Vince's interference.

When Howard finally worked up the nerve to ask Gideon on a date (while squirrels snapped as his ankles, under Vince's malicious eye), she said no.  She didn't even offer an excuse.  She just said no.

Vince felt bad for Howard.  Gideon might have been looking foxy and forty, but she was still seventy in her mind, and she couldn't be buggered with Howard's insecurity.  She clearly knew life was too short.

Vince had been in a tree, shamelessly spying on Howard and Gideon, but after the rejection, he had to lay low until they moved out of sight and he could climb down.

Vince considered and rejected dozens of ideas for what he would say to Howard.  He could pretend not to have seen and heard everything, but Vince was a crap liar, as was Howard.  It was only a matter of time until both of them spilled their guts.  Vince would just come up a silly excuse for being in the tree to make Howard laugh, then he'd say Howard was too good for Gideon.

Vince was practicing his excuse for being in the tree right up until he found Howard, crying in the keeper hut.

Vince had seen Howard cry before.  Howard was proud of his deep feelings.  He wept copiously over his own poetry or when Vince messed up their takeaway orders.  Howard would gaze despairingly into the air with big, fat tears rolling down his face.

He was never curled up in a corner next to the sink.  He didn't cry silently into his hands, so no one would see him cry.  Howard wanted to be seen when he was being dramatic.

It took Howard a few tries to get himself composed, too caught up in his sadness to notice Vince peering around the corner.  Vince watched as he wiped his eyes and whispered, "Better off on your own," to himself over and over again before slowly rising to his feet.

Vince ducked back around the corner, then opened and closed the door behind him and yelled, "Howard?  You here?"

The sound of Howard clearing his throat tugged at Vince's heart.

"I'm here, Little Man."

Vince waited for Howard for a few moments before moving towards the kitchenette.  Howard was staring out the window, nervously fidgeting with his hair and mustache.

"All right, Howard?"

"Who said anything about Gideon?" Howard snapped.  "Have you cleaned the monkey cages yet?  I suppose not. I guess I'll have to do it myself."

Vince watched as Howard stormed out of the keeper hut, his little eyes still red from crying.

Howard often described himself as a man of great feeling, but Vince had never seen Howard actually express a strong emotion.  He was usually just mildly annoyed or mildly amused. That, or he was swooning or weeping in the melodramatic style of a pantomime.  Vince was immobilized by Howard's genuine despair.  He'd rather assumed Howard knew exactly why he had no luck with women at the zoo, and that was why he kept Vince out of his personal life.  It had never occurred to Vince that he might be hurting his friend.

Vince wanted to cry and feel guilty; that felt like the right response.  He even tried to squeeze out a few tears before giving up and chasing after Howard.

xxx

As soon as Vince stepped out of the keeper hut, he nearly jumped back in.  The sky was overcast, filled with dark and ominous clouds.

The colors of the zoo seemed muted and muddied.  Even Vince's uniform seemed to turn a duller shade of green.

Mr. Parkins, the peacock other peacocks blamed for their stereotype of being showy and vain, was lying facedown in the dirt.

"Mr. Parkins," Vince called.  "Are you all right?"

Mr. Parkins sighed. "I'm fine.  I was just exhibiting my astonishing plumage and thought, 'What for?'  I mean, what's the point in all this?"

"The point in exhibiting your plumage?"

"What's the point in life?"

"Well, I'll go ask Howard about getting you an antidepressant or something," Vince offered, feeling at a loss.

The peacock heaved another sigh. "I don't think Howard can help me."

xxx

Vince found Howard at the monkey hut.  Normally the small primates relentlessly tormented Howard, but today they were all just lying about.  Vince saw one reading Dostoevsky.

"What going on, Howard?" Vince asked, forgetting his original purpose in tracking down his mentor.  "All the animals are depressed!  I just walked by Techno Mouse and he's listening to Joy Division.  The lemurs are wearing more black eyeliner than usual.  Olga the octopus is writing eight sad poems at one time.  The zoo has gone mental."

Howard looked around at the dark and dreary zoo, but did not seem to register anything out of the ordinary.

"Life is sadness Vince, and so are zoos.  We're all caged, and ain't nobody got a keyring big enough to set us free."

In a nearby cage, a marmoset fell off a branch and landed on her face.

"You okay in there, Sugar Pie?" Vince asked when the marmoset didn't move.

Sugar Pie raised her head just long enough to tell Vince to get stuffed.

Vince quickly let himself into the monkey cage.

"Howard, this is getting well scary.  What's going on?"

"A zoo is an inherently sad place," Howard pointed out, and he indifferently poked at a pile of monkey poo with his shovel.  "All these beautiful animals in cages, too tainted by man to ever return to the wild.  If you did set them free, they'd just be poached for their fur or have their severed heads turned into wall decorations."

Two more marmosets fell to the ground.

"But we take care of the animals!" Vince cried.  "We feed them and sing to them and organize zoo olympics...  Sugar Pie and Rainbows had a huge success with their light opera!  This place isn't sad, it's magical and wonderful.  I love this place.  Everything was rubbish before I came here and met you."

Vince hadn't meant to say the last part, but Howard was giving him a kindly look.  Vince blinked back tears as Howard pulled him into an awkward, one-armed hug.

"There, there, Little Man," Howard murmured, his chest rumbling beneath Vince's ear.  "It's not as bad as all that.  Look, the marmosets are cheering up."

Vince looked around and saw that not only were the marmosets picking themselves up off the ground, but the sky was beginning to clear.

"Let's get you a nice cup of tea," Howard suggested, moving his hand from Vince's back to his shoulder.  "It will make you feel better."

Vince was cheerfully basking in the glow of Howard's attention as they walked past Mr. Parkins.

Vince called out a cheerful greeting and was rewarded with a rather audacious example of posterior brilliance.

Howard chuckled. "That peacock is flashier than you.  I'm surprised the two of you get along."

"Mr. Parkins is going to give me some of his offcuts!  Imagine, his plumage and mine, comin' together?  Genius."

"Well done, Vince," yelled Mr. Parkins.  "Keep him happy... or I'll peck your eyes out."

Vince was confused, not by the threat (Mr. Parkins was a well-established diva), but by Mr. Parkins's interest in Howard's happiness.

In the keeper hut, Vince tried to be subtle, but ended up simply telling Howard what he'd overheard.  He was looking out the window as he made the tea, with his back to Howard, prepared to be scolded.  Howard remained silent as the skies suddenly darkened.

"What's going on here?" Vince asked, unable to hide the panic in his voice.  "Something's wrong, Howard.  I'm scared."

Howard took Vince's shaking hands in his.  Howard's hands were huge and warm; it was like wearing hand slippers.

"It always blows over, Vince.  Don't be frightened."

Vince pulled his eyes away from his and Howard's joined hands and saw the sky was brightening again.

Vince had never claimed to be the sharpest pair of scissors in the salon, but he could have kicked himself for being so slow.  This was why the animals and Bob Fossil hated Howard.  Howard couldn't make anything work out for himself in the Zooniverse, but he could spread his unhappiness like the Bubonic plague.  His sorrow contaminated everything in his wake.

Vince had been living with Leroy for a year and a half, but he was pretty sure he'd been at the zoo for at least four.  In that time, he'd come to believe Howard lacked the ability to control the zoo the way others could.  The urge to kick himself returned.

"Hey there, Little Man!  Calm down.  It's just a few clouds.  You're enough sunshine for this place.  I'm getting a tan just working with you," Howard teased, his eyes warm and kind.

"Gideon is an idiot, Howard.  We... They're all idiots if they can't see what you are.  You're special and smart and..."

Vince's speech was muffled by Howard's chest before it could get any more embarrassing.   Howard held him until Vince felt drowsy, and then he tucked Vince under a blanket on the couch like a little kid.

"Take a nap, and you'll feel better.  These kinds of days leave everyone knackered."

xxx

Vince woke up feeling refreshed, and when he went home, Leroy informed him he'd been gone for a month.  Vince decided not to worry about reality and to just focus on Howard.

He was determined to make things right.  He was going to help Howard get Gideon's attention and then make sure they never, ever spent any time alone.  Vince wanted to cheer up Howard and build his self-esteem, not lose him to a sexy pensioner.  .

Although it made Vince very sad to think of Howard being in pain and feeling unloved or unlovable, he liked being the one to offer comfort.  He was fairly certain that he truly was the one.  He somehow played an important role in Howard not drowning them all in a flood of tears. For the first time since meeting Howard, Vince felt like an equal instead of an underling.  He was eager to dive in and make something happen.

Vince had already given up on dating in the real world.  The real world was dull and lifeless compared to the zoo.  He felt like Dorothy, waking up in black and white every morning before heading to the Technicolor wonder of the Zooniverse.  Snogging a girl was nowhere near as exciting as a comforting hug from Howard.

Howard was like a little kid when it came to women.  He was clueless.  He reckoned girls were really into trumpets and bookmarks, because those were the boring things that made Howard happy. Vince didn't know much about pulling girls, so when Fossil suggested Howard fight a kangaroo, it sounded like the perfect opportunity for Vince to build Howard up and to prove himself as a good mate.

Howard was working hard to make sure he didn't have a chance with Gideon, and it was making Vince's wingman job a lot harder. If Howard would just let himself be a bit cool, Vince could have had him set up as a hero, but Howard was a self-defeating disaster.  Even the beautiful tracksuit Vince conjured became ill-fitting when Howard put it on.  Vince knew that Howard was unintentionally making the suit too tight and unflattering, and it made him sad to see how automatic it was for Howard to make things go wrong.  It also made him horny to see literally every inch of Howard obscenely outlined in the thin material.  As Vince was wearing a matching suit, he had to be very careful about letting his thoughts stray.  Whenever he found himself looking at Howard's crotch, he tried to imagine Howard's bits being covered by a picture of Bob Fossil wearing pasties and a grass skirt.

It had worked for the nude photos of Howard.  Sort of.  He couldn't quite get the image of Howard, beautiful and naked in the keeper hut shower, out of his mind.  He had a feeling that if he really wanted to take a good look, he could arrange for Howard to leave the pictures lying about, but Vince also had a feeling that was Wrong.  He wasn't sure why, since Howard hadn't seemed overly bothered, but Vince knew there was some kind of etiquette to perving on your best mate in a world of magic.  He just hadn't quite worked it out yet, so he was relying on his instincts.

Chapter Text

Creating a trainer uncle and putting Howard through a training montage did next to nothing.  Howard was just as uncoordinated as ever, and was getting weaker by the moment.  Howard could easily boost Vince into a tree to chase down a monkey, or physically throw him into the porpoise pool, but he suddenly lacked upper body strength in the ring.

Vince was out of his depth.  His sunshine was no match for Howard's dark clouds.  Vince's only hope was to work his magic directly on Howard by being sweet and loving... even if it creeped Howard out a bit.  Under Vince's adoration, Howard would soften and allow himself moments of happiness.

Vince was feeling pretty chuffed with himself until Howard called Gideon a bitch.  Just when Vince thought he had a handle on the extent to which Howard was self-defeating, his friend would up the ante.

Vince knew better than to try and push Gideon to act or feel a certain way—she was an impenetrable fortress—but he tried some good old-fashioned charm.  He tried to talk Howard up to Gideon, but Gideon said she didn't care for fighting.  She liked trumpets and bookmarks.

Trumpets and bookmarks.

xxx

It was Howard's idea for them to sleep at the Zooniverse.  Vince was nervous about spending the night, remembering what had happened when he took a nap, but there was no way he was turning down a chance to sleep with Howard.  Even if it was in separate sleeping bags.

He thought about trumpets and bookmarks as he got ready for bed.  Howard was feeling confident; he was believing that he could beat a kangaroo in a boxing match.  If Howard could turn the skies black with his sadness, surely he could also punch a kangaroo.

The logic didn't quite make sense, not even to Vince, but such was the Zooniverse.

It was possible that Gideon was just really into trumpets and bookmarks.  Maybe Howard and Gideon really were soul mates.  That, or Howard had put those thoughts in Gideon's head.  Maybe Howard could push Gideon's thoughts, and rather than inspire any positive emotions, Howard was constantly pushing Gideon to be cold and indifferent.

Vince wasn't strong enough to protect Howard from Howard.  If Howard decided a kangaroo was going to bite his face off, there was a good chance Howard was going to lose his actual face during the fight.

Vince had weird, mystical sex dreams all night.  He couldn't remember them clearly, but he remembered everything looking like a pair of testicles.

xxx

Howard asked Vince to dress down for the fight, so he wore jeans, a t-shirt and a blazer.  He put on a hat because he thought it made him look more professional.

He didn't remember putting on the sunglasses or the feather boa.  Vince wondered what had pushed him into being so ostentatious: Howard, or Vince's own ego?  There was little comfort to be found in either possibility.

Vince had always dismissed Fossil as a useless nutter, but the Killeroo was a work of art.  He wasn't the realistically dangerous kangaroo of Howard's nightmares.  He was a crazy, mangy, vengeful beast  (not unlike Bob Fossil).

Vince felt hopeful when Gideon showed up.  Maybe Howard would actually allow things to turn out well.

He felt more hopeful when Howard knocked the crazed kangaroo out cold (with a little help from Vince).

He felt less hopeful when Howard ripped off his shirt and the crowd looked at his perfectly handsome bare chest and turned away in disgust.

When Vince made his way back to Leroy's, exhausted by his strange day and his strange friend, he was greeted with a rib-crushing hug.

"Vince!" Leroy yelled.  "You're okay!  I'd given up hope."

Vince didn't have to ask.  He could see from the newspaper lying on the counter that he'd been gone for over a year.

xxx

They developed a system.  Howard kept finding new ways to imperil himself, and Vince came to the rescue.   Sometimes it was a bit worrisome, but most of the time it was fun.  Howard had a surprisingly good imagination.  Howard couldn't imagine himself a happy story, but he could come up with genius ways to be in danger.

Vince wasn't prepared for Howard's death., but he wasn't overly concerned.  As long as he could find Howard, he would follow him.  If Howard were in some kind of heaven, sitting on a cloud playing the harp, Vince would imagine himself a nice cloud bench to sit on and a pair of celestial headphones so he could listen to decent music.  He and Howard were a team.

It was hard to sort out the limits of the zoo.  When Howard finally made an appearance, after being gone for a week, it was as a ghost.  Howard as a "ghost" was just Howard looking a bit frosty.  He wasn't even transparent.  Vince wondered if it was impossible to become a proper ghost, or if Howard was just being Howard and limiting himself.  Vince was finding that the more he learned about the Zooniverse, the harder it was to make things happen.  When he'd just stumbled along, the world had formed around him and it had usually worked out well.  Now that he was thinking about it, things would go a bit wonky, or he'd hit a roadblock.  Maybe Vince could have made himself a transparent ghost when he came to the Zooniverse, but realizing it might be impossible made it virtually impossible.

Vince handled Howard's death better than anyone.  Howard's death finally brought him the attention of Mrs. Gideon, who tried valiantly to revive him.  Vince had never given much thought to the late Mr. Gideon, but seeing how desperately Mrs. Gideon tried to save Howard made the hairs stand up on the back of his neck.  He had all but forgotten about his life before the Zooniverse.  His friendship with Leroy was the only thing that remained from his old life.  He wrote to his parents, who thought he was living in America, but kept things superficial.  They had grieved for him once, and he really didn't know how to handle them.  He didn't want to hurt them, but he wasn't going back to the real world.

Unless Howard went back to the real world.  Sometimes Leroy tried to make Vince articulate why he was so attached to his mentor, but it wasn't something he could explain.  It wasn't just about a crush or friendship; there was something in Vince that had known from day one that they belonged together.  They were like raspberries and bootlaces: only mildly interesting on their own, but amazing when they were combined.

Seeing the zoo dealing with Howard's 'death' reminded Vince that the people around him had had lives before the Zooniverse.  They had parents and friends who must have been as confused and worried as Leroy.

Mrs. Gideon had loved someone and lost him.  Not even the Zooniverse could change that.  Apparently.  Howard was not popular at the zoo, but he was important.  The other keepers wandered around, looking dazed.  Mortality had come to the Zooniverse.

Vince wasn't sure what to make of Mr. Susan and the Mirror World.  It was hard to say if that was Howard (Mr. Susan had rather small eyes) throwing up a roadblock, or Vince creating an ideal rescue situation (climbing through a mirror), or maybe it was Naboo or even Fossil.  There were too many cooks in the Zooniverse kitchen.  The simplicity of the 'world' had the stamp of Howard's limited imagination, but the mirrors had been awfully well arranged.

And Monkey Hell had been hot.  It seemed to be a real place, a world within their world.  Vince didn't know they could do that.

Once he was in Monkey Hell, Vince was quickly captured, his luck failing him completely.  It wasn't until Vince was tied up and in danger that Howard eased up on his personal nightmare and let Vince work his magic.  Vince freed them and wondered where they would go next.

The Tundra was cold, and it seemed to go on forever.  As Vince was dragged off by a polar bear, he wasn't so much scared as he was concerned.  Bainbridge had all but morphed into Vince's father, so Vince knew his influence was strong, but he couldn't make the polar bear budge until Howard's tent was out of sight.  On his own, it was nothing to get the polar bear to lighten up and have a bit of fun.  Vince hated to leave him—playing with a polar bear had been one of his dreams since he was four—but he knew a friendly polar bear could not exist in Howard's reality.

Vince left the Tundra with a great pair of new boots and the words, "I love you, Vince" echoing in his ears.  He was sorry he'd laughed, but it still tickled him.  It was ridiculous, but somehow flattering, that Howard would go through so much effort just to have an excuse to say that he loved Vince.

xxx

It was never easy to shred your hero to death, not even a skeevy nutter with a cheese head like Tommy.  Howard was putting on a brave face, but the zoo was getting dark.  The excitement of saving the zoo and being a hero had kept Howard happy for a few days, but then the sadness came.  Vince went to Naboo for advice.

"How do you cheer someone up when they've been forced to kill their hero and feed him to a ballbag?  What do you say?"

Naboo shrugged, "Waste not, want not?"

"That's not very helpful, Naboo."

After he found the pandas trying to dye their white patches of fur black while listening to Marilyn Manson, Vince decided it was time to take a stab at cheering Howard up, even if it went badly.  He had to try something.

He found Howard sitting on a bench outside of the Jungle Room.

"All right, Howard?"

Howard startled, but quickly composed himself and went back to slumping.  Howard was such a perpetual sloucher, he often had to look up at Vince when they sat side by side.

"You did the right thing, Howard.  You saved the zoo.  You did what Tommy wanted."

Howard stared ahead and seemed to be choosing his words carefully.

"When I started at the zoo, Tommy was my hero," Howard explained quietly.  "I hung on his every word.  He was so full of wisdom, and he was handsome and worldly..."

"But he ended up being a creepy cheesehead," Vince finished for his friend.  "Sometimes life is like that."

"Don't you see, Vince?  Tommy didn't change, I changed.  He's still... was still a great man.  He died for the zoo."

Vince moved closer to Howard on the bench and covered his friend's hand with his own.

"Tommy was never handsome, Howard.  You just thought he was perfect 'cause you looked up to him.  Course he's gonna look different when you're a grown up and know a little about the world."

Howard's eyes tended to dart about, but they were suddenly locked onto Vince's.  Vince tried to maintain eye contact, but found himself looking away and blushing.  It wasn't often that he was allowed to touch Howard, much less hold his hand.  It was all a bit overwhelming.

"And what will happen to your hero?" Howard asked in a gently teasing tone.

Vince glanced at Howard—charmingly scruffy, with the warmest eyes he'd ever seen.

"I'll always love him."

Howard laughed and said, "Mick Jagger is a lucky man."

xxx

After the night Vince spent at the Zooniverse (apparently a year in the real world), Leroy agreed to start visiting the zoo.  Vince had always imagined that Howard and Leroy would get along, but he was now starting to worry that Howard and Leroy got along too well.  Leroy was only two years older than Vince, but he'd always treated Vince like a younger brother.  Even though Vince now looked older than his longtime friend, it was clear that Leroy and Howard were men with manly interests, while Vince was the kid of the group.  They tousled his hair and laughed at Vince's perpetual optimism.  It was annoying, but Vince still liked to see the two of them together.  They were his favorite people, and Vince rather hoped that Leroy would come work at the Zooniverse.

If Howard and Leroy were left alone for any period of time, Vince would inevitably find them with their heads together and whispering intently.  Howard always said they were talking about jazz and had even lent Leroy a few Weather Report CDs to drive the point home.  Vince wasn't overly bright, but he wasn't an idiot.  He knew they were talking about him; he just didn't know why.

There was no point in asking Howard, but Leroy was surprisingly tight-lipped.  Vince tried charm, whinging, and begging, but was ultimately successful with booze.  It took a full bottle of red wine before Leroy agreed to a game of Truth or Dare.

After Vince had walked to the chemist wearing nothing but a poncho, cowboy boots, and a smile, Leroy chose truth.

"Is Howard trying to get rid of me?" Vince asked, not letting Leroy break eye contact for a moment.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I answered the question.  Now: truth or dare?"

xxx

There was still a sack full of Tommy in the Keeper Hut.  Howard wanted to bury it and have a tasteful ceremony.

But he still hadn't gotten around to it.  Vince could only handle so much of Howard's lazy temptation before he grabbed a handful of Tommyzola for his own purposes.  He'd done a little research on American cuisine and was prepared to make a cunning move.

Bob Fossil yelled, "Cheese fries!" and shoved his face into the plate before Vince had even offered him a bite.  It wasn't long before Bob Fossil was pontificating in a familiar and very boring way.

"All Americans love cheese fries... but do they really love cheese fries?"

"Tommy?  Is it really you?" Vince asked, waving his hand in front of Bob Fossil's face.

"Yes, it is I, Tommy.  How can I help you, little girl?"

"I'm Howard's apprentice, Vince.  I have some questions."

"You have questions, but do you really have questions?"  Bob Fossil asked between bites of cheese-covered chips.

Vince tried not to roll his eyes. "Yes, I do.  How did Howard end up at the Zooniverse?"

"I was in need of an underling and an ally, and along came Howard Moon." Tommy's voice was boisterous and joyful.  "He was straight out of school, weedy and as ugly as a Bob Fossil's balls."

"That sounds pretty ugly," Vince said with a shudder.  He couldn't imagine Howard not being handsome.

"Do you want to see?" Tommy offered, one cheese-covered hand hovering at Fossil's waistband.

"No!" Vince yelled before regaining his composure.  "So, did he come to the Zooniverse 'cause of you?"

Tommy slapped a cheesy hand on Vince's shoulder.

"No one truly understands the Zooniverse, my pretty little poppet.  I doubt that even the creatures who created it truly understand how it works.  If they did, Howard would never have been hired."

"Who created the zoo?  Why shouldn't they have let Howard in?  Why is Howard so sad?  Why can I..."

"I can only inhabit this body for a short period of time," Tommy warned.  "If you want to know who created the Zooniverse, you should speak to Naboo, for he would know better than I.  As for Howard, he's an anomaly in this world.  When he began, he seemed like everyone else and certainly no threat to Fossil or Bainbridge. But then he had one of his little spells..."

"Where he turns the sky black with his sadness?"

"Yes, one of those.  Bainbridge and Fossil were furious!  They thought it was something I had planned, that I had recruited an especially powerful mind in order to increase my control over the Zooniverse."

"But I thought you were in charge of the Zooniverse already."

If Tommy said, "I was in charge... but was I really in charge?", Vince was going to go at him with a cheese grater.

Instead, Tommy smiled with Bob Fossil's face.

"There is no man of woman born who controls the Zooniverse.  We are all but pawns... but some of us know how to be used to the best advantage.  The strength of the pawn is in his sacrifice."

"Is Howard going to have to sacrifice himself for the zoo?" Vince asked in a tremulous voice.  That would explain why Howard always seemed to be pushing Vince away.

"Perhaps," Tommy agreed.  "Or perhaps not.  No one knows the ways of the zoo.  The Zooniverse is like a beautiful woman: unknowable, but a tempting tease.  Yes, little girl, if the Zooniverse gives you her number, you can be sure that it is either short one number, or it's the number of her friend with the dead tooth right up in front.  Why doesn't she just have it pulled?  I mean..."

Vince slapped Bob Fossil hard across the face.

"Sorry, I went off on a tangent there!" Tommy chuckled.  "All I know is that the zoo will bring you what you need, but there is always a price.  In Howard, I had the finest and most loyal apprentice a man could ask for."

"But he was too good," Vince said, thinking out loud.  "He was a threat and the reason you got locked up in the Jungle Room.  And Howard brought me here, I'm sure of it.  Do you think I'm putting him in danger?"

Tommy scratched the air where his huge cheese head would have been if he were in his own body.

"I have no doubt Howard brought you to the zoo—he always had an eye for the pretty girls!—but the biggest threat to Howard will always be Howard.  I mean, the man has a serious mental illness. I don't know why there isn't some kind of screening process..."

"How can I help Howard?"

"I'd suggest a combination of antidepressants and intense therapy.  And he should stop listening to that dreary jazz music..."

"I meant, how do I help him against Bainbridge and Fossil?"

Tommy ate the final cheesy chip and stared into the distance for a few moments.

"Bainbridge is weak.  He's nothing without Fossil.  It was Fossil that made Bainbridge look like one of the Creators, but I see you've given him a makeover!  Well done.  Fossil is powerful, but unfocused.  The wisest move would be to avoid him as much as possible, but you will never contain his influence on the zoo.  You can only protect yourselves."

Tommy only had time to ask Vince for his number before Fossil was back.

And asking for Vince's number.

Chapter Text

The Charlie incident was frightening.  Howard seemed keen to throw any number of monsters at Vince, but Charlie was Vince's own doing.  His friendly (if morally ambiguous) creation was terrifying in reality.  Vince promised himself he'd never be angry again.  He'd wear a poncho and sombrero every day if he had to; he never wanted to see another Charlie.  He hadn't seen Bainbridge since Charlie's chewy justice had been served.  Vince had unwittingly given Bainbridge his father's face, making him familiar and less scary.  It was upsetting to think Vince might have harmed Bainbridge.  He was a bit of a dick, sure, what with the way he would kill people and animals and all, but Bainbridge was a person with feelings... unless he wasn't.  There was always the possibility he'd been created by Fossil.  Tommy said Fossil had made Bainbridge look like one of the "creators," before Vince had given him a makeover.

He'd teased Howard with Charlie, threatening to bring his pink blobbiness to life, but even Vince was surprised when it actually happened.  They had been on a fairly innocuous adventure, with Howard trying to be a writer to impress Gideon and Vince dating a panda, when things had taken a turn.

Vince had a feeling it wasn't all his doing.  Howard had stapled a picture of kittens to his forehead to control his feelings of anger and jealousy, and it made Vince love him even more.  He preferred not think about what would happen if Howard actually turned his anger on Vince, preferring to focus on the fact that Howard was carefully shielding him from those negative feelings.  Howard loved Vince and was protecting him from the most dangerous thing in the zoo: Howard.

Vince gave Howard a poncho and a sombrero.  The big man didn't put up much of a fight, and soon enough, they were holding one another and dancing.  There was a moment when Howard was doubled over with laughter while Vince supported him, and their faces were so close and Howard had an unfamiliar look in his eye...

But nothing came of it.  Vince didn't dare make a move, and Howard went back onto his pedestal, unreachable as ever.  No matter how many people referred to Vince as Howard's wife or girlfriend, the truth remained that Vince was a boy and Howard wanted a lady.

Gideon was out of the picture, at least.  She hadn't been the same since Howard's quasi-death.  Once again, Gideon had suffered beautifully with her unspoken pain, while Vince had totally missed his opportunity to impress Howard.  He should have been lying in the dirt like a depressed marmoset when Howard had come to haunt him.  He had tried to grieve for Howard properly, listening to jazz records and all, but grieving was not Vince's strong suit.  He couldn't simultaneously believe with his whole heart that Howard was fine and weep for his death.  That was way too many emotions to feel at one time.  Vince wasn't a jazz poet like Howard.  He didn't even know what a jazz poet was; it was just a term he'd heard Howard throw around.  Vince was a simple man.

Howard punched Gideon in the face, ensuring he would probably never get a date with her, and then Gideon ran off with Vince's panda.  Vince couldn't help but think it was a strange twist, Gideon getting off with a female panda.  A thought tickled at the back of his brain that Gideon had simply disappeared and Howard and Vince had created a reason for her absence.  It was the kind of thing he thought about while alone in his bed in the real world.  It was one of the many reasons why he didn't much care for the real world.

Maybe she'd run off with Bainbridge.

Having Gideon out of the picture didn't change much.  Howard had no particular woman to pine for, so he just sort of generally pined for love.  Vince tried to look extra nice at work, but he didn't dare change his face.  There was something there that Howard liked, and it scared Vince to think a less pointy chin would lead to a less interested Howard.  The more he thought about things, the more complicated they seemed.  It was no wonder Howard couldn't do anything nice for himself; he was always thinking about things.

Vince was pretty sure the Electro girls were just regular girls.  They hadn't come from Vince's head, they weren't really Howard's type, and Fossil hadn't been chasing them around.  They were tough as nails and scary, but pretty, and they turned Howard's head.  Vince literally felt rusty as he chatted the girls up.  He could hear the creaks in the conversation and the strain in his chatter.  He had only ever pulled girls in the real world by being in the right place at the right time, and he wasn't making any progress with Howard (the only person he pursued in the Zooniverse).  Vince did not know how to pull.  He was somewhere between sixteen and twenty-two years old, and it seemed like he should know how to chat someone up properly.  Howard couldn't pull either, but it was cute when Howard didn't know how to do things.  He was like an overgrown puppy with huge paws and a tiny bladder, always on the verge of creating chaos (and needing someone to clean up after him).  Vince wanted to be cool.

So he joined a band.  He got beat up and threatened, but he also got to see Howard rocking a fierce eighties look and an earring.

Howard had allowed himself to be brave and risk being possessed by the Spirit of Jazz to help Vince.  Even though Howard had created the threat to his dignity, that didn't make it any easier for him to face it down.  As Vince had learned from Charlie, there was nothing quite as scary as bringing your personally tailored demons to life.  Charlie was Vince and Howard's ally, and yet Vince still had nightmares about him.

Vince had seen Howard in a seriously small pair of pants (though his vision had been a little blurry after being knocked off the stage).  All in all, it had been a good adventure…

"Whoa there!  What's wrong, Little Man?"

Vince wiped the tears from his face. "Allergies.  I'm allergic to... pinecones."

He would have made a pinecone appear, but he couldn't quite picture one in his mind.

Howard sat next to Vince on the bench and put his hand on Vince's shoulder.

"Are you upset about the girls?  Don't be so worried.  There will be other girls.  Nicer girls.  Girls who won't pull a knife on you."

Vince tried to stifle a sob, but broke down when Howard pulled him into an awkward hug.

"Hey there, Vince.  Tell old Howard what's wrong.  I have one of the finest minds to ever come out of Yorkshire.  My advice-giving abilities are legendary.  They call me Johnny Wisdom, you know."

Vince couldn't stop crying long enough to make a joke about Yorkshire or Howard's lousy advice.  He just wanted to curl up in Howard's strong arms and hide.

"Vince...  Maybe it's time to consider a career change, yeah?" Howard said quietly.  "Maybe you've outgrown the zoo."

Vince cried harder and clung to Howard tighter.  When Howard had dressed Vince as a panda, he'd put him in a form-fitting, one piece suit with a little headband with ears.  He'd looked more like a girl dressed in a "sexy panda" costume than anything to be found in the wild.  It had been exciting to dress like a furry Emma Peel.  It had been even more exciting to dress as a half-man/half-woman while performing with Kraftwerk Orange.  Vince had made himself more attractive since coming to the zoo, but he'd never really felt sexy before.  Vince wanted Howard to see him as sexy and alluring, not as a child.  He was well aware that covering Howard's shoulders in tears and snot was not helping his case.

"I know what will cheer you up," Howard suggested.  "We'll go see Leroy at his new job at the kiosk, yeah?  I'm sure they sell some kind of disgusting sugary drink that you'll like.  Leroy always cheers you up."

Vince let Howard scrub his face with a handkerchief.  He'd start acting like an adult some other time; he needed to be taken care of for a bit longer.  Howard and Leroy would fuss over him and make him feel safe and grounded until he got his bearings again.

"Leroy's genius," Vince sniffed, as Howard pulled him off the bench.  He leaned on his friend, mentally ordering everyone out of their way.  If someone saw them, Howard would start his "Don't touch me" nonsense, and Vince really needed to be held.

xxx

Vince couldn't explain why he was feeling so down, but he did note the Zooniverse was not affected by his sadness.  If anything, the animals were being extra friendly.  Vince wondered if Howard's concern was as contagious as his despair.

Vince wasn't sure where Leroy was working; he only knew that Howard had helped him find the job.  Leroy was getting more and more interested in the Zooniverse, but not willing to commit himself to "fucking Brigadoon."  Still, a job nearby seemed like a good start.  Leroy was the only thing in the real world Vince still cared about.  Everyone else, even his parents, were becoming faint memories.

Howard was gentle as he questioned Vince, trying to get at why his "Little Man" was so unhappy.  Vince was tempted to make up a reason, just to make Howard happy, but he didn't have the energy.  He felt drained and weak.  There was no way he was leaving Howard, but he knew something had to change.

Vince wasn't paying much attention as he and Howard left the zoo, but he didn't recognize anything.

As they walked past endless rows of bookshops, jazz clubs, and musical instrument shops, the hairs on the back of Vince's neck stood up.

"Howard... we've left the zoo, right?"

Howard gave him a puzzled look. "Does this look like the zoo?  What's gotten into you?"

"But this... this isn't the real world," Vince said, looking around for something to prove him wrong.  "That shop sells trumpets and bookmarks, Howard.  This isn't real."

Howard stopped in his tracks and looked around.

"There's Leroy's kiosk," Howard said softly.

Vince saw Leroy in the distance, smiling and waving.  He reached out for Howard, half-expecting to be batted away now that they had an audience.  Instead, Howard took Vince's hand in his own.

xxx

Vince didn't tell Leroy he was working in an imaginary kiosk.  Leroy was being paid in cash, euros like Vince and Howard, and he liked his job.  Vince wasn't sure if it really mattered if the kiosk only existed in their shared imagination.  Leroy seemed to be keeping on a normal schedule and wasn't experiencing the crazy time slips of the Zooniverse.  Maybe the time slips only happened in the zoo.  Maybe Howard was too orderly to allow time slips in his world.

xxx

Vince liked the idea of being in a band with Howard, so they started playing for the animals.  They alternated between fun electro music and godawful slap bass jazz.  When they played Howard's music, Vince tried to block out the sound and just focus on Howard's joy.  Sometimes he imagined Howard having a huge thumb, so he could really get a good percussive sound.

When Fossil sent them on a road trip, Vince was not surprised to find himself riding down an isolated and wooded road (in London).  Vince had never been to the country before, and it was fun to see it through Howard's eyes.  Howard even asked to hear about Vince's childhood, growing up with Bryan Ferry.  He didn't remember how the stories had begun, but they had always elicited eye rolls and sighs from Howard, who tried to hide his amusement.  Having Howard ask him for a story was brilliant.  Having Howard plead for more of the story was amazing.

Vince had been in a great mood, so he wasn't sure why he'd got into a fight with Howard or why he was feeling so angry.  As he wandered alone through the Howardy-named Forest of Death, he wondered if he'd been so upset because Howard had gone from treating him like a mate to yelling at him like a child, or if he'd just let Howard push him into storming off.  He was usually good at sensing Howard's influence—it was a tingling sensation that was tempting but had to be quashed, or Howard would make Vince into just one more person who treated him like garbage.  Maybe the excitement of Howard's attention had put Vince off his guard.  He'd certainly been tingling...

Finding a strange hybrid of Bryan Ferry and Howard led to more tingles, but it wasn't long before he knew he had to get back to the real Howard.  If Vince's Bryan Ferry was mocking his clothes and his singing, he could only imagine what fresh hell Howard had created.

xxx

Howard kept yelling at him to wake up, but Vince was exhausted.  Their adventures were getting more and more difficult.

"I need you to help me stay awake!" Howard barked.  "I know you need your beauty sleep, but I'd think you'd prefer not to die in a crash."

"Let's just be home!" Vince whined.  "Why do we have to drive like this is all real?"

Howard slammed on the brakes, and Vince's head smacked off the dashboard.  He was seeing stars and considering letting his head spray blood all over Howard until he was weeping with guilt...

But Howard was already there.  He was crying and holding Vince, pleading with him to be okay.  Vince panicked, wondering if he could actually die, but his head was already feeling better.  He felt a tickle in his stomach that told him he was being tampered with, and a tingle in his head where his skin was stitching itself shut.

"I'm okay," he mumbled into Howard's jacket, unable to get his mouth free.  "I'm not hurt."

When Howard finally loosened his crushing embrace, Vince showed Howard his uninjured face.

The Northerner sighed with relief and, still shaking, he kissed Vince's forehead.  And then he kissed Vince's nose.

Vince felt the world shift, and they were in the keeper's hut, sitting on the lumpy couch.  Howard was holding Vince's face still as he kissed his eyes and chin.  Vince tried to get his lips on some part of Howard's face, but he couldn't without pulling free of Howard's hand, and he never wanted to break free of the grip on his chin.  Instead, he closed his eyes and waited.  And waited.

When Howard ran off, Vince didn't have to wonder where he'd gone.  Vince headed to Naboo's kiosk.

xxx

Naboo didn't have answers.

"I don't even think I'm supposed to be on this planet.  I was sent here to... well, that's a secret, but I'm pretty sure they sent the wrong guy," Naboo explained.

"But you came anyway?" Howard asked, looking puzzled.

Naboo shrugged. "I didn't have anything on.  It was something to do."

Vince couldn't hold it in any longer.

"You're from another planet?  That is genius!  What's it like?  Does everyone on your planet have such healthy hair?  Do you use product from your planet?  Can you use it on human hair?"

"Do you mind, Vince?" Howard asked testily.  "I'm trying to work out the meaning of the our existence."

"My hair is the reason for my existence.  You're living in orbit of this barnet."

Naboo ignored their bickering. "I don't know what's going on here any more than you guys.  The Council of Shamans deals with that.  I'm only a junior member, so I mainly deal with the refreshments.  Dennis is in charge, but I think Saboo did a lot of the actual work.  He always has to have things his way."

"The Shamans from your world are called Dennis and Saboo?" Howard asked, looking dubious.

Naboo shrugged. "There are only so many names in the universe."

"When Vince and I left the zoo... we didn't really leave the zoo." Howard was clearly struggling to put his thoughts into words.  "What does it mean?"

Naboo looked Howard in the eyes—not an easy task, but Howard looked hypnotized.

"You haven't left the zoo in thirty years, Howard."

Vince was tempted to just run away.  He would just run and run and...

Maybe he'd still be in the zoo.

Howard was pale and shaking, but he was shaking his head as though he could knock the words out of it.

"I've only been here maybe ten years.  I go home every night..."

"To a flat where the rent never changes and you never see your neighbors and your ninety-year-old landlady is always ninety..."

Howard covered his ears. "I'm not listening to this nonsense!"

"What year were you born, Howard?" Naboo asked in a quiet voice.

Howard looked ready to crush his own skull, so Vince pulled his hands away.  Howard didn't put up a fight. He looked ready to faint.

"When were you born?" Vince asked.

"I don't remember," Howard whispered, as though it wouldn't be true if he said it really quietly.  "1952?  Something like that..."

Vince had thought he'd fallen down the rabbit hole long ago, but now he could feel the ground crumbling beneath him.

"Do... do I still leave the zoo?"

Naboo nodded. "You and Leroy still have a foot in the real world.  I thought you would be sucked in by now, but you've held on.  Maybe it's because you were so young when you came, and you hung on to the security of your old life.  Maybe it's just because you're a bit dim."

Vince was not offended.  He knew there was no malice in Naboo's words, and if Vince were smart, he would have given up on Howard a long time ago.  He had no interest in being "smart."

Howard turned to Vince and looked terribly serious.

"Don't say it, Howard."

"Vince..."

"I'm not leaving!  I'm staying here with you!"

"You might not be able to leave if you stay any longer," Naboo added, sounding disinterested but not unkind.

Vince asked Naboo if he could be alone with Howard for a few minutes, and when the tiny shaman moved into one of the many rooms of his apparently tiny kiosk, Vince took Howard's hand.

"It's like the Tardis in here.  It's huge," Vince began.

"You couldn't have said that in front of Naboo?" Howard teased.  It was a kneejerk response.  There was no laughter in Howard's eyes.

"We can just stay here.  No more Fossil, no more animal dung..." Vince's mouth was dry, but he willed his voice to stay strong.  "We can just be here and have whatever we want.  A choose-your-own-adventure eternity."

Howard shook his head, but a door was forming behind him, and Vince already knew that if he opened those doors, he would see stairs, and those stairs would lead to a moderately-sized flat that was plenty big enough for the two of them to share.

Chapter Text

Vince could walk down the street and find Leroy at his kiosk.  His former flatmate was still keeping at least a foot and a couple toes in the real world.  He didn't ask why Vince was moving; in fact, he dodged the subject as though he were afraid of knowing too much.  He was probably right to be concerned.

Vince knew where the zoo was located, and he still went to visit, but he'd moved it a healthy distance from his flat... which was technically inside Naboo's kiosk inside the Zooniverse.  He got a headache if he thought about it too hard.

Howard had been getting frequent headaches since their "move."  Creating the flat and their surroundings was a battle.  Howard was better at details, but he inevitably made things uniform and rather boring.  He also spent most of his time looking down, so he was rubbish at skylines.

The world shifted as they duked it out, and it was a strain on them both.  Howard was still in shock about his absorption into the zoo and was a bit fragile.  Naboo suggested they go on an adventure.  That sounded like too much work, so Vince decided they'd take a holiday instead.  They could go to EuroDisney and never have to wait in line.  Genius.

Howard wanted to do something simple, so Vince handed him the reigns.  He half expected to end up in a tiny, creepy hut in the woods, but the point of the trip was to get Howard to relax.

And to get their chemistry back.

They were sharing a room, with separate beds, and the tension was palpable.  Vince dyed his hair black and tried more and more daring clothes.  He'd dressed flashy in the real world, but now he could literally wear anything.  Or nothing.

His closets overflowed, and everything was in style.  It was genius.

Naboo came along on their "holiday," saying, "I wouldn't miss this disaster for the world."  He also brought Mr. Bollo (alive and suddenly blue-eyed), whom he was now calling his familiar.  According to Naboo, a familiar was an animal that you bestowed with mystical powers, in exchange for that animal doing your washing up and making you tea.

Vince knew things were off to a shaky start when Howard spent the drive out into the woods in a pair of tiny pants.  Vince hadn't tried to do anything to Howard's zipper, but he couldn't be sure it wasn't his fault.  Things got worse when Fossil came storming into their world in the guise of Kodiak Jack.  Vince figured fending off a horny (but strangely romantic) Bob Fossil was as bad as things could get, but soon he was trying to save a brainwashed Howard from being ravished by equally horny Yetis.  Vince quickly realized he wasn't that great at saving Howard in their new world.  There was simply too much going on.  It had always been his own libido that Vince had worried about.  He'd tried not to let his, as Howard called them, "baser feelings" enter too much into the mix, so as to keep their world fairly innocent.

Maybe it was because he and Howard had kissed. Not properly, of course, but Vince couldn't go more than a few minutes without thinking about the feeling of Howard's mouth.  He could close his eyes and feel the scratch of Howard's mustache in stark contrast to the softness of his lips.

Maybe that was why things had gone a bit sexual.

When it was time to be strong and stand his ground against the Yeti magic to protect Howard, he lasted for nearly half a minute.  By the time he woke up with his hair in bunches, on a bed with Howard (with Naboo and Bollo tucked between them like old-fashioned chaperones), Vince realized he was off his game.  He couldn't concentrate with Howard looking all dewy-eyed and singing his farewell to the Zooniverse.  Or was it the real world?

Hey, ho, it's easy letting go, when nothing before was real.

It was easy.  He could barely remember his parents, and everyone else was gone completely.  He'd rewritten his life, and the new version was much better.  He still had Leroy (his chosen big brother), Mr. Bollo (his protector), Naboo (his parental figure) and Howard (his Howard).  He had everything he needed (with the unfortunate addition of Bob Fossil), and he was happy.

When he was getting ready to be manhandled by horny lady Yetis, Howard had been happy as well.  Vince thought of Tommy's suggestion that Howard go through some intense therapy.  If Vince could get a good picture of Sigmund Freud in his mind, he would have made him appear.

Despite all Howard was throwing at them, they came through their "holiday" relatively unscathed.

xxx

After the disaster in the woods, Howard moped and didn't want to leave the house.  Vince decided they should form a band.  They named it after Leroy, or more specifically, after Leroy's "Mighty Boosh" of hair.  Leroy still remembered the story of how they'd coined the term, but it might as well have happened before Vince was born.  He barely remembered the pre-zoo days and could not trust the memories that remained.  He had vivid memories of going to school with Howard, memories that felt far more real than anything Leroy could recall.

The Mighty Boosh played around Camden, and depending on their respective moods, they were either a huge success or were booed off the stage.  For the first time, Vince was aware of how Naboo played into their shared world.  He didn't hear Naboo tell the story of Rudi and Spider, Vince lived it.  He was confident and sexy as Spider, and he knew how to pull girls.

And Rudi loved Spider.  He couldn't help himself.

Howard, on the other hand, was forming a dreary jazz club.  He'd only conjured one other member, but Vince hadn't given up everything he knew to sit around waiting for Howard to finish up spending time with other people.  He tried to imagine a couple of beautiful girls and found his mind tank was empty.  He ended up giving the scary Electro girls a makeover and new names.  They actually looked quite good as goths.  Vince's head might have been turned if Howard hadn't been poured into undersized clothing and wearing eyeliner.  Naturally, Howard did not allow them to get off with the girls.  When Vince summoned a sweet old nana demon, either Howard or Naboo turned her into a terrifying she-beast.  It was typical of his flatmates.

Then came the incident with the Fountain of Youth.  Vince didn't connect Naboo's access to the Fountain of Youth to his presence on earth.  If he had, he would have been more cautious.  Vince knew he never had to grow old, but Howard had been struggling with an age crisis since realizing he was something like fifty years old in the real world.  It didn't matter that he looked, felt, and acted like a man in his thirties; Howard liked to focus on unimportant details.

Vince wanted to help Howard and make him feel better.

Once Howard was wearing nothing but a loincloth, chains, and a look of disappointment, Vince knew things had gone wrong.

Lying like a sultan on a pile of pillows, admiring Howard's body without restraint, Vince became aware of a whole new aspect of their situation.  He could use their co-created world to seduce Howard.  He could set the scene any way he liked.  He could even make himself a beautiful woman... if he knew a bit more about the female anatomy.  He'd never seen a naked woman in real life; he certainly hadn't done any serious investigating.  However long it had been since Howard had been with a woman, he was still likely to notice any glaring errors.

Vince contemplated the different ways he could approach Howard, the scenes he could set.  The sultan and the slave was maybe a bit too much for their first time, but maybe down the line...

Why shouldn't Vince be the Chosen One?  He surely had been chosen by Howard, and maybe by the zoo itself.  Vince was special, and if he wanted to, he could be anyone's fantasy.

He realized the downside of such thinking while a monster made of sandpaper (with Howard's eyes) was jerking off in front of him.  He decided to tone things down a bit in future.

Naboo warned him against playing his hand too heavily against Howard.

"Remember, Vince, Howard is a disaster waiting to happen.  You push him too hard, he'll push back, and it won't be pretty."

"Is Howard stronger than me, or has he just been doing it longer?" Vince asked, knowing he needed to heed Naboo's warning, but sorely tempted to ignore it.

Naboo shrugged. "Hard to tell.  Tommy was meant to be in charge, but Fossil came stumbling in one day and unleashed his crazy.  Even now, he can break into this world.  Tommy brought in Howard to get an advantage, but then Bainbridge appeared and it was back to a stalemate.   Hard to say who does what, but when Howard's in a state, everyone suffers."

That was certainly true, but Vince couldn't imagine the harm in trying to catch Howard's attention, maybe shake him up a bit.  Maybe it was time for Vince Noir to grow up.

xxx

Vince did not say, "Help, Naboo.  Howard is being held prisoner by some kind of personification of my desperate desire to possess him."

He didn't need to hear, "I told you so."  None of it needed to be said, because Vince and Naboo already knew the truth.  Vince promised that once Howard was back, safe and unharmed and untouched (Vince thought the last bit extra hard), he would never again try to move things along with Howard.  He would just sit on his hands and wait for Howard to come around.  The big man was responding to Vince's increasingly daring wardrobe and makeup.  Vince would let nature take its course.  It wasn't like Howard had a lot of options.  Eventually, he would have to admit there was something between he and Vince.

xxx

"Are you sure you're not coming on to me?" Vince asked, trying to sort his way through Howard's insanity.  They hadn't been on the island for more than two hours, and Howard already had the long hair and beard of a castaway.  It had been Vince's idea to go to America and become famous.  It had been Howard's idea to dump them on a deserted island instead.

Howard sent away Breakfast Bob almost as fast as Vince could conjure him.  Howard would not allow any of his needs to be met.  He was irritable with Vince and filled the air with his dissatisfaction.  By the time Vince was drawing a lovely face on a coconut, he was well aware things had gone terribly wrong, but he was angry.  He was so tired of being deflected and infantilized and being put on a shelf.  Howard was still treating him like he was fifteen, when he was...  certainly older than fifteen.  For all he knew, he was fifty.  There was no way of knowing how much time had passed in the real world, or even in the Zooniverse.  They were flying blind, but Howard was still trying to find a map to cling to, some sense of order.

When Howard started being abused by his coconut girlfriend, the most Howardy thing Howard had ever done, he wouldn't let Vince step in and help.  Vince was surprised that Howard asked him for help after he'd accidentally murdered "Precious."  It was almost flattering.  It was like the old days, when Howard would get into a mess and Vince would rescue him.  He wanted to believe Howard had come to some kind of revelation about their friendship and his need for Vince in his life.  It was hard to say, when Howard was clearly batshit insane.

When Bob Fossil (of all people) came to their rescue, Vince was grateful.  He could never have imagined that being stranded on a desert island with Howard could go so badly.  What should have been a romantic paradise had turned into a mental nightmare.  Even when it was over, it wasn't over.  They couldn't turn on the telly without seeing their coconut tormentors.

As always, Vince turned to Naboo for advice.  Naboo said, "Try getting a job or something."

Chapter Text

Bollo had suggested Naboo Boutique, and Vince walked around for a week saying, "Nah-boo-boo-tique."

But Howard was not as amused.  He suggested the even more genius name, Nabootique.  It didn't matter that it was a made-up job; Howard took it seriously.  He scolded Vince daily for being "late" to walk down the stairs to the shop.  Howard could control time, and yet he continued to opt for always being under the gun.  Vince was getting tired of it.

On the island, Vince had created exciting and glamorous friends and a rock star lifestyle.  He continued to sculpt his life when the adventure was over.  Rather than depending on Howard for all his companionship and stimulation, Vince could actually pal around with rock stars who out-rock-starred anyone in reality.

Meanwhile, Howard continued to be tormented by green monsters and also possibly had sex with Bob Fossil in drag.  Vince didn't bother to save him.  Howard needed to work things out of his own.  He could remain a martyr, start giving himself some good luck, or he could damn well ask Vince for help.

xxx

Howard made himself a new friend, a blind old creepy guy named Lester Corncrake, so Vince made himself some new friends, too.  He made himself a punk band, so that he could be the lead singer.  Once brought to life, they were a bit hard to wrangle.  They were far too rebellious for Vince to handle.  They fiddled with things, sometimes until they broke.  Sometimes they used really bad language, even if there were old ladies around.  Vince wanted to make them disappear, but not before he'd shown them off to Howard.  Howard would be shaking in his boots at their anarchy.

xxx

Vince learned the hard way that he was not suited to being miserable.  In the aftermath of his punk phase, Vince felt ashamed of what he had done to Howard.  Even though it was easy enough to replace a one-of-a-kind record in their world, he knew what his betrayal meant to Howard: it reaffirmed that Howard was not meant to have anything nice.  Not a jazz record, and not a good friend.

He had planned to give himself a proper disease and let Howard heal him, but he couldn't go through with it when he saw the worry in Howard's face.  When he went with plan B and said that Lance Dior was stealing his look, he got a hot cup of coffee thrown in his face.  Of course, it wasn't hot when it hit him; it was lukewarm.  He felt Howard's power shielding him, even as his friend barked and griped.  Vince hadn't gotten so much as a paper cut since Howard had accidentally split his head open with the Zooniverse van.  It went without saying that Howard did not realize what he was doing.  Howard couldn't do anything right on purpose.

Vince considered a new way for Howard to save him.  It would be far worse than some little fatal illness.  He would get a briefcase. And a haircut.

xxx

Vince was ill at ease around the Shamans.  They weren't like Naboo.  There was Dennis, who was startlingly handsome but a bit daft.  There was Saboo, with his Bainbridge face and Hendrix hair.

There was the terrifying Tony Harrison, with his tentacles and amazing bone structure.

There were alien (literally), but vaguely familiar.  They were apparently woven into the very fabric of the Zooniverse.

It took all of Vince's courage to ask them why the Zooniverse existed.  What was its purpose?

Dennis cleared his throat. "That's a complicated question, and we were just about to do a lot of drugs..."

Kirk snorted. "As if you could handle poppers.  You had a freak-out when I gave you a regular Coca-Cola instead of Diet."

"It is beyond the ken of mortals to understand the way of the Shaman," explained a lovely green woman.

"Especially a couple of ballbags like you and Squinty Eyes McGinty.  This is a sacred world."

"But what's it for?" Vince asked, undeterred.  If he'd given up every time someone called him names and treated him like an idiot, he'd have stopped leaving his bed when he was twelve.

"We're on an important mission for the king," said an elderly man who reminded Vince vaguely of Howard.  And Ian McKellen.

"Yeah, we're filming a reality show," Tony interjected.  "It is going to be massive!"

Saboo rolled his eyes. "Yes, Tony.  We've gone through all this trouble for a telly show.  Pull the other one, it's got bells on."

"Then why are we here?" Tony asked, looking genuinely confused.  "I thought we were creating quality television."

Saboo hesitated before answering. "It's beyond the ken of mortals and pink octopi."

It didn't bother Vince that the creators of the Zooniverse were as in the dark as he and Howard, but he decided not to mention the conversation to Howard.  He might find it upsetting.

But he did ask one more question.

"Was Howard really as ugly as Bob Fossil's balls when he came to the zoo?"

Tony Harrison looked baffled. "What are you on about?  He still is!"

xxx

Vince didn't get out of bed for days, or maybe it was weeks.  It hardly mattered.  Howard had gone off to make a film with Jurgen Haabermaaster, and Vince had no idea if he was ever coming back.  Vince had done everything he could to sabotage Howard, to bring him back, or to follow him.  Nothing had worked.  Howard was gone, and Vince was alone.

Except for Naboo and Bollo, who pulled him off his bed and made him brush his hair.

"Howard come back to Vince," Bollo assured him.

"Do you really think so?" Vince asked, desperate for reassurance.

"Probably not," Bollo admitted as he helped Vince into his clothes.

xxx

When Naboo and Bollo left him alone, Vince laid facedown on his bed and cried.  He cried for Howard, for parents whose faces he could no longer picture, for Leroy (who was all tied up in his imaginary wife and children), and most of all, he cried for all his missed opportunities.  When he'd been possessed by the Spirit of Jazz, Howard had come to his rescue.  After all their years together, Howard was the hero and Vince the damsel in distress.  He'd tested Howard so many times, but his friend always remained loyal.  He just refused to love Vince the way Vince loved him.

Vince was becoming Old Gregg, but he couldn't help himself.  He needed to know that Howard was his and that he wasn't going anywhere, so he kept pushing Howard away.

Now he was gone, and Vince was lost.

He tried to conjure Howard in his mind, but he just ended up with a poor replica that they called Adam.

He had one kiss to replay in his head.  He'd tried to use a game of Spin the Bottle for a bit of cheeky fun, but Howard had pushed that bottle toward Chris de Burgh every time.  Vince had wondered if Howard really didn't want to kiss him, or if the Northerner just really wanted to kiss Chris de Burgh.  Either way, he hadn't been happy with how the party was going.

Until he'd had the perfect excuse to give Howard a proper kiss.  He'd expected Howard to pull back, or to merely tolerate the intimacy, but Howard had more than kissed back.  He'd been on Vince like a hot flannel and ready to make a full commitment.  Then they'd fallen off the roof, and it had been over.  They'd never talked about it, but Vince thought about it just about every waking moment.

Vince was losing himself.  Howard had always been his lodestone.  From his first day at the Zooniverse, he had known Howard was the one.  He just wasn't sure what finding "the one" meant.  Trying to seduce Howard had gotten him nowhere.  He hadn't been able to tie Howard any closer to his side with a band or a new job.  Now Howard was out in their shared universe, wandering free, while Vince collapsed like a soufflé.

Chapter Text

Howard was shuffling around their bedroom, griping about the mess.

"Why did you cover my bed in your clothes?" Howard snapped.  "You have your own side of the room."

Vince had covered Howard's bed so he wouldn't have to see it.  It hadn't helped.

"I see you haven't done a lick of work since I've been gone," Howard continued in his disappointed tone.  "I suppose you were too busy painting the town fuchsia."

Vince had been sullen and cold to Howard since his return.  He couldn't deal with his feelings of anger and betrayal, competing with his desire to wrap himself around Howard and never let go.

"Have you even been to the Nabootique since I left?  It's probably a mess..."

"Fuck the Nabootique!"

Howard was speechless.

"And fuck you, too," Vince added, watching Howard's face fall.  It felt good to know he could still at least have some effect on Howard.

Howard sat on his bed and hung his head.

Vince watched Howard look sad and hurt for nearly a minute before he jumped onto his bed and hugged him.

"I missed you so much, Howard!" Vince cried.  "All I did was cry!  You would have loved it.  I thought you were really gone, and I was like a sick hamster.  Bollo had to drag me out of bed and make me shower."

Howard should have been laughing, but instead he was stroking Vince's hair and soothing him as he would a zoo animal.

"Whoa there, Little Man.  Calm yourself.  Howard Moon is here, there's no need to panic.  I can solve any problem, they call me..."

"Johnny Problem-Solver?" Vince sniffed, smiling in spite of himself.

"They call me Howard Moon.  That I'm a problem solver is a given," Howard said in solemn voice before adding, "Heeeey!  You see what I did there?"

Vince buried his head in Howard's shoulder and cried.  He didn't try to hold back.  Howard liked suffering, and Vince wanted Howard to like him again.

If he could speak, he would have apologized for biting Howard's record, for getting Howard fired, for letting him be accosted by "Eleanor," for ruining the day they had picked out to be his birthday, for putting him in little pants, for wanting Howard more than Howard wanted Vince.

He settled for crying his heart out and trusting Howard to understand that the apologies were implied.

"Oh, Vince," was all Howard had to say.

xxx

Howard was tense as Vince climbed into his bed, but he didn't protest.

"I'm not going to try anything, Howard.  I know you like girls.  I just want to be near you."

"I tried to leave."

"I know you did," Vince sighed.  "You were gone for weeks."

"I tried to leave the zoo," Howard continued in a flat voice.  "I tried and I tried, and I don't remember how to get back to the Zooniverse, much less how to get back to Leeds."

"Why'da want to go back to Leeds?" Vince whined.  "Can't you just be a movie star or something?"

"No, Vince," Howard sighed.  "I can't.  I can't make this world work the way you can."

"I don't do anything.  I just think about what I want until it happens."

"Precisely!  You just focus on what you want, while I can't stop thinking about what I don't want.  I can't help myself, Vince.  It's who I am.  I can't hope for success without thinking about what could go wrong.  When I want fame, I become an infamous laughingstock.  When I want to perform my music in front of an adoring crowd, they all yell that I'm too old for my dreams.  When I wanted to save Tommy, I ended up shredding him to death with a cheese grater, and when I wanted love..."

"You got Gideon?"

Howard chuckled "Hardly.  I asked the zoo for someone to love, so I wouldn't be alone, and I got an underaged boy."

Vince couldn't quite process that last bit of information.

"I did bring you to the Zooniverse, Little Man," Howard continued.  "Not to be my protégée, but to love me.  That's it.  That's why you feel the way you feel.  I've tried to stop it, but I can't make things happen on purpose.  As long as you're here, you're going to love me.  You need to leave."

"Why would I leave?" Vince asked, curling into Howard's side.  "I do love you. I love you more than anything."

"But you won't if you leave," Howard gently explained.  "Once you're back in the real world, the zoo will start to loose its pull.  You'll realize I'm just a boring, middle-aged man who destroys everything he cares about.  I killed Tommy, I ruined the zoo, and I've stolen your life from you.  I want to make things better for you, but I can only make them worse.  If you stay with me, all I can offer is a wasted youth and maybe a wasted life, and never getting what you really want, and never finding real love because you'll always think you love me."

"Are you mental?"  It was a rhetorical question.  Howard did know he was mental; he just couldn't differentiate between normal and crazy because he was totally mental.

Howard pushed Vince's fringe from his forehead.

"You have such big eyes," Howard said, apparently trying to make Vince's head explode.  "I never understood how people even noticed when you had spots.  All I ever saw were your big eyes, calling out to me."

"And what were my big eyes saying?"

"Don't hurt me."

Vince had a feeling Howard was right on that one.  Vince had come to the zoo a terrified mess, desperate for kindness.  He had turned Bainbridge from some kind of Roger Moore/Saboo hybrid into his father, and then tried to stay out of his way.  Vince had been sad little creature before Howard had taken him under his Northern wing.

"What are my eyes saying now?" Vince asked in what he hoped was a sexy, husky voice.

Howard looked deep in Vince's eyes and answered, "Same thing."

Howard might have been right about that as well.

"If there's one thing I know about the zoo, it's that you can't make someone love you.  You said yourself I know how to work the zoo better than you," Vince reminded him, "and if I could make you love me?  We would have been married within a week!  You may have called the loneliest person in London to your side, but you made me love you the old-fashioned way.  You made me feel special, and like I belonged somewhere."

"You loved me before you knew anything about me."

"No," Vince corrected.  "I had a massive crush on you, because you're well handsome and have a voice that sounds like single malt scotch and dark chocolate.  I fell in love with you because you made me happy.  I like myself better when you're around."

"With a moon in your orbit?" Howard's tone was teasing, but there was pain in his eyes.  "Sometimes I wonder if that's the real reason I chose that name."

"Nah, more like I need the moon to reflect light and illuminate the darkness, so people can see me.  So I can see myself.  Pretty sure that's why I chose my name," Vince explained before giving in and yelling, "See what I did there?  I twisted it around on you!  They call me Johnny Metaphor.  Chicka-chicka!"

"Enough of that, sir," Howard chided.  "There's only room for one maverick jazz poet in this universe."

"That's for sure," Vince agreed without reticence.  "That's why Harold Boon has gone grunge punk."

"Is that true?"

"Is now."

Vince rested his head on Howard's chest, soothed by his even breathing and immensely grateful to be exactly where he was.  He considered bringing in Bryan Ferry to sing "More Than This," but it would have been overkill.  The moment was already perfect.  There was no way for it to be improved upon.

Howard immediately proved him wrong by kissing him.  Vince was frozen as Howard pressed gentle kisses to his closed mouth.  It wasn't until Howard stopped that Vince remembered he was supposed to respond.

He awkwardly lurched at Howard and planted a chaste kiss on his mouth before asking, "So, Howard, just curious, but... I kind of got the impression you only liked girls.  I mean, that's just based on everything you've ever said and done."

Howard raked his fingers through his hair, making it stand up at all angles.  Vince quickly began smoothing it down until he was back to being handsomely disheveled instead of looking like he'd been electrocuted.

"Being straight or gay or 'swinging both ways'..." Howard trailed off.

"What about it, Howard?"  Vince wanted to get back to snogging, but not until he knew where it was going.  If he was just going to share a few kisses before Vince hopped into a cold shower, he wanted to be prepared.

If Howard was up for more than a few kisses...  Vince's experience was mainly in cold showers.

"I don't suppose it means anything here, does it?"

He had a point.  There was no reason to limit themselves in their own world.

"Why now?" Vince asked, itching to get back to kissing, but trying very hard to think beyond the next handful of minutes.  He was learning from Howard.

"I can't think of a reason not to.  You won't leave, and you won't listen to a word I say, so there's no sense in wasting time trying to protect you.  We may as well..." Howard coughed and looked uncomfortable, "enjoy ourselves."

Vince jumped on top of Howard, knocking them both off of the bed.  He slammed his head off the night stand, but the pain barely had time to register before the tingling began.  He wouldn't tell Howard about the tingle yet.  If Howard realized he played a big part in Vince being made of Teflon, he'd panic and it would go wrong.

Howard laughed as he helped Vince back onto the bed.

"Maybe you can teach me how to be more like you," Howard said, shyly.  "Help me to control what I do instead of just wreaking havoc."

Vince bounced on the bed, thrilled to finally have a chance to be the mentor.

"First of all, think about what you really want to happen in this bed," Vince suggested.  Howard looked interested and then guilty.  Whatever he was thinking, Vince was sure he liked his train of thought.

"Cause if you end up in a latex nurse's outfit, licking my boots, I'm just going to assume that's what you're into."

Howard tugged at the collar of his pajamas. "Erm..."

Vince felt like he was falling off of a cliff when Howard grinned. "Hey, see what I did there?  Don't worry, Little Man, we'll save the costumes for our wedding night."

Then Howard started kissing him again, and Vince decided it didn't really matter if Howard was joking or being serious.

Not in their world.