Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“So, karaoke after school?” I asked, walking to class with my arm casually draped around Mei’s shoulders.

She smiled up at me. “I’ll let my mom know.” We walked into pre-algebra and took our seats together. I kept my arm where it was, and Mei leaned her head into the bend of my shoulder. I sighed, content. Dating her just felt right and comfortable in a way I didn’t really care I couldn’t explain.

I woke up, groggy and foggy like I’d spent the night actively dreaming. Wait, that was a dream, wasn’t it? I had a dream I was dating Mei?

It was like a realization tiptoed into me, slow and even but still surprising: I liked Mei. “I think I maybe like her a lot.” My eyes were wide, and I brought a hand up to the side of my face. What the heck?

Being around Mei was weird that day at school. And for the rest of that week. Well, the whole month, actually. It sucked. I expected the weirdness to go away and the memory of the dream to fade, but by the time it was the end of June and we were starting summer break, the dream was as clear in my head as it was the morning after I’d had it.

It was like, now that I knew that feeling was there, I couldn’t ignore it. If Mei dropped a pencil, I’d rush to pick it up for her. If one of her shoelaces came untied, I’d kneel down to tie it. If her bangs came loose, I’d fix the clip that held them in place. And I always felt the way my eyes softened around her—like physically felt it. I was such a freak.

I’d never been subtle about anything. Mei probably knew by now that I liked her. Everyone probably knew I liked her. It was so frustrating. I wanted to keep this little part of me to myself until I could figure it out, but I was so scared someone would notice and take it away from me. I was afraid of being … exposed.

But I guess it didn’t really matter. It’s not like she’d ever go for me. She’d never talked about any girls the way we talked about 4*town, or even Devon before the Daisy Mart incident. And I’d never seen her look at a girl the way she looked at Carter Murphy-Mayhew sometimes. Bottom line, I knew she liked boys and was pretty sure she didn’t like girls. At least, not the way I did.

I guess that’s me. Come to think of it, that’s always been me. I didn’t have any famous girl crushes, but real-life girls … I’d noticed them before. So what did that mean? Was I a lesbian? … No, that didn’t feel right. I liked boys, too. Maybe I should do some research.

“Miriam?” Mei asked, pulling me away from my stormcloud of thoughts.

“Oh sorry, what?” I pulled on one of my braids.

“You wanna go over to Mei’s house for dinner?” Priya asked. She, Abby, and Mei all looked at me.

“Yeah, of course! I love your dad’s cooking.” I gave two thumbs up to Mei. Guess research could wait for another day.

Chapter Text

Grade 12. Last first day of high school. Aimee Mann played through the headphones plugged into my MP3 player, followed by Avril Lavigne, then The Fray. I had my license but no car, so skateboarding it was. Not that I minded—I loved skating to school. The wind in my face, my flannel flying out behind me like a cape, I loved all of it. Plus, when I got to school early enough, I got a chance to see my favorite redhead before the rest of our friends arrived.

I smirked, catching sight of her. She turned around, no doubt hearing me coming. “Miriam, don’t—“ I wooshed by her before she could finish, kickflipped, then dismounted and flicked the top up into my waiting hand. It was like I’d done it thousands of times, because I had. Mei laughed, shoving my shoulders so hard I stumbled backwards. I smiled, holding back a giggle. “Very funny, Mir.” Her tone was sardonic, but her expression was light, letting me know she wasn’t actually mad.

“Had to start the school year off right,” I said, taking my headphones and putting them plus my MP3 player in my backpack.

“Right.” She rolled her eyes as she grinned, picking up her walking pace again.

I fell into step beside her. “So, ready for our last year?”

“So ready,” she responded. Of course she was. As we walked, her fingers brushed mine. Heat pricked my skin, and my hand froze where it was even when hers brushed away. “How about you?”

“Um yeah,” my voice broke with my answer.

Mei laughed. “Don’t sound so sure,” she warned.

I chuckled, shaking my head. “Shut up, I’m ready.”

“Hey,” she said, pulling on my arm before we reached the front double doors. “Promise me something?”

“Anything, girl,” I replied without really thinking.

“Promise me we’ll stay friends, no matter what.”

Mei always had been sentimental. It made sense she was feeling uneasy about our close circle of friends, facing the uncertain future after graduation yet to come.

“Yeah,” I answered without meeting her gaze. “We’ll stay friends. Like always.” My eyes drifted down, and my chest felt heavy.

“Mir?” she questioned. “What’s wr—“

“MEI!” Abby screamed, launching onto her target’s back.

“Oof!” Mei sprouted a tail for a split second, the surprise overcoming her this time. “Abby!” When Abby let go, Mei faced her to give her a proper hug. As she let go, I noticed Priya walking up to us hand-in-hand with Bela.*

“Hey girls,” she said, smiling faintly at all of us. “Where’s Tyler?”

“Dunno,” I answered for everyone. “We just got here.” I looked over at Priya’s girlfriend. “Hey Bela.” She hummed in response.

“C’mon, we can find him later,” Mei urged, leading us through the doors.

Mei and I had second period history together. We took seats next to each other, pulling out notebooks and making small talk about school supplies and how much our peers had changed over the short summer break.

When our teacher started the class, I glanced over at Mei. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. God, I wish I could do that for her. My cheeks heated up with a light blush, and I looked away. Yeah, nothing had changed. I still had strong feelings for her. Well, maybe one thing had changed.

I was probably in love with her now.

Chapter Text

A few years after that initial dream and the ensuing gay panic, and I felt like I’d figured out my sexuality to a point of decent comfort. I was bisexual, and it felt really good to have a word for my experience—like I was less alone. Sure, Priya was a lesbian, but it was still different. And I wasn’t out to her or any of my friends. So it felt isolating sometimes, especially when Abby and Mei talked about guys they liked.

It’s not that I thought Mei would have a problem with me liking girls. She’d been excited for Priya when she finally asked Bela out to a movie in grade 11. It’s just that … I wasn’t sure I could handle knowing she didn’t feel for me the way I felt for her. It would be too much. Plus we were about to graduate … Why make our last year together awkward by confessing?

“Aaaand there,” Priya commented, taking her hands away from my hair. “What do you think?” She handed me a compact mirror so I could look at the French braid she’d just finished putting my hair into.

“I love it! I wish I could do this by myself. Thanks, Priya.” I fingered the braid, turning my head to look at different angles.

She smiled subtly. “It’s not hard. You could probably do it.”

“Yeah, but I feel like it’d be hard to practice on my own head, y’know?” I handed the compact back to her and leaned back in my chair at our table in the library, teetering on only the back legs.

“You could practice on me,” Mei chimed in, and I had to throw my hands out to grab the edge of the table so I wouldn’t fall backwards.

“Really?” I asked. I knew my eyes were wide, and I could feel a blush burning up to the tips of my ears.

She shrugged. “Yeah, totally.” She looked down at the tabletop. “I mean, my hair’s not really long enough to do one big braid like that. But you could try a few smaller ones.”

“Suuuure,” I said mindlessly. I got up to stand behind her, looking down longingly at her bright red hair. I took a strand in my fingers. So pretty. “Um Priya? Could you show me how to do it?”

Priya moved to stand next to me, taking three small pieces of hair in her hands. “So you have three sections, then you take a part from one side and add it to one section, braid once, then repeat on the other side, and that’s it.” As she explained, she demonstrated with the strands she held.

“Ohhh, okay. I think I got it.” I ran my hands through Mei’s hair for a moment, stalling, wanting this to last as long as possible.

She sighed underneath my hands. “Don’t you love it when people play with your hair?” she asked Priya. “I could fall asleep right now.” Priya hummed in response, then returned her attention to her math homework. Mei picked up the book she was reading for English, and I started to actually braid.

After several minutes of intricate work, I had a few braids messily done. “There,” I announced, getting Priya’s attention so she could inspect my work. “Not perfect, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.”

She gave me a thumbs up. “They look okay.”

I undid the small French braids, running my hands through Mei’s hair one last time before— “Um, you can keep going,” Mei piped up. She looked up at me. “If you want.”

I stared at her for a second too long. “Yeah?” I asked.

“Mhm,” she said and smiled sweetly.

I grinned back down at her. “Okay. Thanks Mei.”

And I spent the rest of study hall carefully braiding and rebraiding her hair.

Chapter Text

I tucked red hair behind an ear, only to watch it transform into a fuzzy panda ear. I giggled. “Nervous, Mei?”

“Stop,” she cried softly, hiding her face from me with an adorable smile and blush to match.

I gently pulled her hands away from her face, moving closer to her so I could whisper, “Don’t be.” She sighed, and I closed the distance between us.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

“Jesus Christ!” I yelled, yanking my pillow over my head to knock my alarm clock off my bedside table. “Man, ruin a perfect dream, why don’t you?!”

“Miriam, what’s going on up there?!” my mom yelled from downstairs.

“Nothing, mom!” I yelled back. “Just getting ready for school!”

I hopped out of bed, stopping in front of my full-length mirror to try to French braid my hair. After a few tries, it was good enough. As I inspected my reflection, it reminded me of Mei. Thinking back on the way her hair had felt in my hands made my palms sweat. I wiped them on my pajama pants, moving to my closet to get ready for the day.

The dream I’d had put a spring in my step. I was pretty superstitious, and having a dream about me and Mei like that … it felt like a good sign.

“You what?” I asked, a half-chewed bite of my sandwich falling out of my mouth as my jaw hit the tabletop.

“I have a date!” Mei squealed, her excitement conjuring red panda ears. She left them, and my heart sank.

“That’s awesome, girl!” Abby cried, hugging her from her spot next to her at our lunch table.

“Who with?” Priya asked, and waited for Abby to stop squeezing the life out of Mei to get her response.

“Jacob Erikson,” she finally answered, panting to get her breath back.

“The guy with the creepy pencil mustache?” I asked incredulously.

“Only a real man can grow facial hair!” she shot back immediately. The flash of anger I felt in my face came from a place of defensiveness so raw it escalated the situation fast. Dammit. Why couldn’t I be a real man? Why couldn’t I be her man?

“Blech!” I spat, getting up from our table. “You could do so much better.” I took my food and threw it in the trash on my way out of the cafeteria.

I stormed into the nearest girl’s washroom, my furious energy emanating from me in whirls and chasing away the few girls chatting by the sinks. Once I was alone, I went to look in a mirror, white knuckling the porcelain basin of a sink. I stared at my reflection for I don’t know how long—my face red, my brows furrowed with rage—before the frown I wore deepened. The redness faded as a tear slipped from my eye.

“I don’t want to be a guy,” I said. I’d had this argument with myself before countless times, but it always ended with this conclusion: I didn’t want to be a guy, I just wished Mei liked me the way I was.

“Everything okay?” I heard a voice from the other side of the washroom ask. I turned to see Priya looking at me with concern. “You freaked a little back there.” She walked over to me, seeing my tears and putting a hand on my shoulder.

I sniffed. “She could do so much better than him,” I said as I wiped my nose on my flannel sleeve.

She hugged me. “You would be so much better for her.”

I choked on a sob, my arms trapped by my sides with the force of the embrace. “You knew?”

“Girl, you’re very queer-coded,” she said, chuckling into my shoulder. I laughed a little, too, feeling a little lighter. Priya let go and just smiled at me. “I’ve seen the way you look at her. It’s really sweet.”

I blushed. “Heh. Thanks. I wish she thought that, too.” I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly.

Priya shook her head. “She doesn’t have a clue. She’s too dense to notice.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” I reasoned. “I’m not subtle, am I?”

“You are not,” she agreed with a smile. “But I won’t say anything to anyone.”

“Thanks, girl.”

“For what it’s worth, though,” she continued, leading the way out of the washroom. “I think, if you ever did make a move, she might feel the same way.”

“Nah, she’s straight as they come,” I responded reflexively.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” she said. “I think she might just be so deep in the closet she doesn’t realize it even exists.”

I stopped by my locker, waving as Priya walked to her next class. “Huh.”

Chapter Text

The summer after Pandapocalypse 2002, Mei and I hung out a lot. When it wasn’t too busy with tourists, I’d skate to the temple and just chat with her in between tours. Then her dad would make dinner, and we’d go up to her room to play video games and listen to music. Some days, when she needed a break from work, she’d ask for the day off and we’d go swimming with Priya, Abby, and Tyler—who turned out to be a pretty cool guy when he wasn’t harassing any of us.

A lot of nights, we would both sneak out and meet at the park. We’d swing, take turns spinning each other on the merry-go-round, or climb on top of the jungle gym and look at the stars. On really clear nights, we could make out constellations. It was easy to find well-known ones—Orion, ursa major and minor, and some of the astrological signs. Those were my favorite nights. We’d hold hands and whisper about what high school would be like, as if we had to be quiet in the dark.

For my birthday in September after that summer, Mei gave me a telescope keychain, since neither of us could ever afford a real one. I put it on the loop at the top of my backpack and never took it off.

“Happy birthday, dear Miriam! Happy birthday to you!” my friends sang when I got to school that day.

“Girls, it is 7 in the morning.” I smiled, wide awake despite my protests. I loved my birthday. They always made it so fun.

“7 in the morning ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!” Abby insisted, raising two fists in the air.

“Yeah!” Mei cheered. “Birthday, birthday, birthday,” she started to chant, and by the third “birthday” Priya, Abby, and Tyler had joined her.

I laughed, chanting too until the bell rang for first period. We started walking into the building. “You’re the first one of us to turn 18,” Mei marveled.

“Yeah.” I looked away, rubbing the back of my neck.

“How does it feel?” Priya asked with a smile.

“It feels … weird,” I answered honestly. “I know I’m not any different, but still.” I chuckled. “I always forget I’m older than you guys.”

“Only by a few months.” Mei smirked, looping her arm in mine. Her birthday was in April, but time meant nothing to her. I grinned and rolled my eyes, subtly leaning into her as we walked. I’d always been taller than her, but the difference was more pronounced now: I stood a head above her. I bet, if I held her, her head would fit perfectly in the crook of my neck. I could lay my chin in her hair …

Priya caught my eye, smirking conspiratorially. I cleared my throat and tried to force down my blush. “See you girls tonight,” she said, splitting off from the group to walk into her class.

“Tonight at 7!” Tyler called, pointing finger guns at me as he walked away.

“Bye!” Abby yelled, leaving only me and Mei.

She walked me to my locker, where she’d tied balloons onto the latch. “Aww, Mei.” I smiled at her sweetly.

“Happy birthday,” she responded, giving me a hug.

“Thanks,” I said, hugging her back as tightly as I dared. I could smell her shampoo. “I can’t wait for tonight.”

“Me neither, it feels like forever since we’ve all had a sleepover.”

“Mei, it was only like a few weeks ago.”

She let go of me to look me in the eyes, and I tried not to let my disappointment show. “Too long!” We both laughed. Then the second bell rang. “Crap, I’m late.” She started jogging away, but looked over her shoulder to add, “See you tonight, birthday girl!” before running into another student. I laughed adoringly as I watched her apologize, then turned to my locker to get out my book for calculus. I was late, too.

It had been a good day. After getting to calc late, I’d aced the pop quiz my teacher had handed down. My mom had made my favorite fried chicken for dinner the night before so I could take the cold leftovers for lunch—which I refused to heat up, much to my besties’ disgust. And now it was Friday afternoon, school was out, and I was about to skate home to prep for the party.

I saw my friends in the yard in front of the school building, so I started walking up to them. Priya, Abby, and Tyler all looked at Mei with almost angry expressions. Mei looked guilty. When I caught her eyes, she looked down at the ground. I cocked my head, furrowing my brows with confusion.

“Hey, what’s going on?” I asked when I reached them. No one spoke for a moment.

Then Priya broke the silence. “Tell her, Mei.”

I looked to the redhead. “Mei?” I knew my voice was laced with concern.

“I … I just found out that Jacob mixed up his schedule.” I frowned, waiting for her to continue. “He … thought our date was tonight. And he has plans the rest of the weekend, so …” she trailed off, still not meeting my gaze.

It dawned on me like a lead weight on my chest. “You’re going out with him tonight instead of hanging with us.” Instead of hanging with me.

She nodded. “I’m so sorry, Mir! It was a total accident! I swear, I’d never miss your birthday on purpose. I just …”

She looked crushed, the way I felt, and I sighed. “No, it—it’s okay.” She finally looked up at me, and I gave her a half-smile—the most I could manage. “Go on your date. You’ve been really excited about it. We can … hang out another time.” I was the one to look away this time. “It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, taking one of my hands in hers. I looked at her fingers wrapped around mine, like a kid hanging onto their mom, not like a … lover.

I pulled my hand away and looked back at her, willing my emotions to numb out. “Honestly yeah, don’t worry about it.”

Chapter Text

“Honestly, girl, I don’t even really want to have the party anymore,” I said into my flip phone, which had rung on my way home. I dragged my skateboard behind me as I walked.

“That’s dumb,” Priya responded flatly. “We’re still coming over.”

“Pri—“ I started.

“Mei’s being a dick,” she interrupted me. “That shouldn’t stop us from celebrating you.”

I hung my head as tears pricked my eyes. “No, it’s not her fault.”

“Yes it is. She could have told him no.”

“But—“

“Stop. You like her. That doesn’t excuse her from treating you badly. You’re one of her best friends.” A tear fell.

“Yeah,” I said weakly into the phone, wiping the tear track from my cheek. “You’re right. That wasn’t cool of her.”

“The understatement of the year,” Priya replied, and I could hear the smirk in her voice. “So, 7?”

I smiled. “Yeah, 7.”

We did all the normal sleepover stuff. We ate too much cake, we watched a horror movie, we played board games, and we fell asleep on my living room floor. I slept restlessly, though. I kept waking up. Once, when I opened one eye and looked at the blinking clock on the DVD/VCR. It read 3:00AM.

I sat up in my sleeping bag, casting my eyes over the room. It was mostly dark, but the glow from a little plug-in nightlight my mom put in for my dad’s early mornings let me see my friends all passed out around me. Priya slept cuddling a stuffed fox. Abby snored, sprawled on her back. And Tyler occasionally mumbled, obviously dreaming about something. I was glad they’d come over. I needed the distraction.

But now, in the dead of night, all I could think about was Mei’s stupid date. How had it gone? Did they go somewhere nice? Maybe a fancy restaurant? Or a romantic picnic? Did they hold hands? Did they kiss goodnight? I got up to get a glass of water from the kitchen, hoping to distract myself. When I’d gulped it down and still couldn’t stop running through scenarios in my head of Mei and creepy-pencil-mustache Jacob Erikson, I walked upstairs to get my MP3 player and headphones. Maybe music could drown what water couldn’t.

I opened the door to my room and could hear a faint thunk noise from my window. Weird. I picked my headphones up from my desk, and the noise came again. I waited for a moment, turning to face the window, but the sound was gone.

Until I heard a crash through branches and leaves, followed by a soft groan.

“Mei?” I said when I’d gotten my window open, staring down at the panda on my front lawn.

“H-hey, Mir.” She waved up at me, then poofed back into a human.

Chapter Text

I rushed downstairs and out the front door as quietly as I could. “What are you doing here?” I asked in a hushed voice before I’d even shut the door behind me.

“I felt bad for missing your party.” I reached a hand down to help her up. “I wanted to see you.”

“You didn’t have to.” I frowned, looking down at the grass.

“I wanted to,” she repeated, but I still didn’t meet her eyes. If she wanted to be here, she could’ve been.

“No, I mean, you didn’t have to come to my window at 3 in the morning,” I said bitterly. “You could’ve waited until school on Monday.”

“Right.” She sounded hurt. “Sorry.”

We were silent for an awkward moment. “So, um … how was your date?” I asked finally.

“It was … good.”

I looked at her, my brows furrowed. “Are you lying?”

“Yeah …” she smiled sadly.

“Oh, Mei Mei.” Her smile turned into a deep frown, and I could tell she was about to cry, so I took her in my arms. “What happened?” I asked as I stroked her hair comfortingly.

“Nothing,” she answered. “We just … didn’t … have any spark?”

“Mhm?” I added, waiting for her to elaborate.

“And I just feel so bad because I was sitting there at the movie like ‘I’m missing Miriam’s birthday for this?’ And I realized how stupid and mean it was to bail on you.” She looked up at me, teary. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said, all my bitterness melting away like ice. I pulled back from her. “Do you wanna come inside?”

“No.” She shook her head. “My mom would kill me if she woke up in the morning and I was gone.” I nodded in understanding. “Could we just … sit out here for a minute?”

“Yeah of course, girl.” We sat underneath the tree she’d climbed to my window, leaning up against the broad trunk.

“How was the party?” She asked, settling cross-legged and turning towards me.

“It was good,” I said, my tone light. “It was fun, it just … would’ve been more fun with you.”

She blushed under my gaze, and I wanted to kiss her so bad.  She moved to lay on the ground and put her head in my lap. My hand went back to stroking her hair. “You’re sweet, Mir.” She sounded sleepy.

“Yeah,” I said without thinking. “You, too.”

“And you’re funny. And smart. And cool.” My hand stopped, and her voice started to drift off. “… and beautiful.” I looked down to see her eyes were closed.

“Fuck,” I whispered.

“I have to tell Mei how I feel.”

“Jesus, girl, you can’t wake me up like that.” It was 4:15am, and I was kneeling down right in front of Priya’s face where she lay on the floor.

“Sorry,” I said reflexively, then repeated, “I have to tell her.”

Priya rubbed her face with both hands, then felt around next to her for her glasses. “Why now?” she asked, sliding the frames onto her face.

“I can’t take it anymore.” I was talking too fast, I knew it. I shook my head.

“Okay, calm down.” She sat up to face me more directly. “What happened?”

I told her about Mei dropping by for a middle-of-the-night apology. She hummed when I finished the story. “I just can’t keep it to myself anymore. I just … it feels too big. And it’s like I’ve been hiding this secret from her for years, and … I don’t like lying to her. I feel like it’s not fair.”

“I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong,” she reassured me, putting her hand on my arm. “But if you feel like you’ve got to tell her, then I say go for it.”

“Yeah?” I questioned, smiling nervously.

“Yeah.” She nodded. “Like I said, I think she might feel the same.”

“I dunno. I don’t wanna get my hopes up.”

“You’re best friends, girl,” she told me with a smile. “Whether she likes you romantically or not, I don’t think anything would get in the way of that.”

“Ugh, but it’d be so awkwaaaaard,” I groaned as quietly as possible, bringing my hands to scrub down my face.

“It would be for a while, but you’d work though it. And wouldn’t it be worth the awkwardness to get your feelings off your chest?”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “You’re right. I’ll tell her.” But how do I tell her?

Chapter Text

In my early teens, I’d developed an anxious habit—well, a few habits, actually. I’d pull on my braids until my scalp was sore. I’d bite my nails until they were jagged down to the beds. I’d pick at my lips until they bled. I’d scratch the skin on my arms until it was raw. I felt ashamed for hurting myself, and the shame made me anxious. It was a vicious cycle. Each time I caught myself doing something destructive, I told myself it’d be the last time. But then I’d inevitably just wind up doing it again. For a while, though, I’d somehow willed my anxiety under control.

Thinking about telling Mei I loved her brought it right back.

I chewed on my thumbnail, staring blankly at a bookshelf in the library. “Wow,” I heard a voice beside me say. I turned to see Mei standing next to me, looking concerned. “I haven’t seen you this worried in a while.”

I took my thumb away from my mouth to ask, “What do you mean?”

“Well, you only bite your nails if it’s serious,” she answered.

“Heh,” I laughed nervously. “You sound like you’re obsessed with me.”

She looked away from me. “I’m serious, Mir.” I dropped my smile. “What’s wrong?” When she turned back to face me, I could see she was worried, too.

“Ah, it’s nothing,” I tried to deflect. Make it seem like it was no big deal. “Honestly, just a little stressed.”

She frowned. “Okay … If you say so.”

“I can’t do this.”

“Girl, it’s been a month. Just tell her.”

I paced around the girls’ washroom in between classes, Priya watching me while she leaned against the door. “I caaaaan’t.”

“Why?” she questioned, to the point as always.

“Because it has to be perfeeeect.”

“It truly does not.” She shook her head, smiling at my dramatics. I groaned, and we both laughed.

“Then what do I say?” I asked. “I don’t know where to start.”

“You do know,” she answered. “I think you’re just putting too much pressure on the moment. Don’t do that. Don’t think you have to prove yourself. You’re just being honest.”

“Priya,” I marveled. “When did you get so smart?”

She smirked.

“But also, that’s like so much easier said than done.”

Her expression softened. “Yeah. I know it is.”

“Hey Mei.” I caught her walking out of her last class of the day.

“Hey Mir,” she greeted me cheerfully. “You look like you're feeling better.”

“Yeah.” I chuckled nervously. “Hey listen, I know you have temple duties today. But do you mind if I walk you to the bus station? There’s something I’d like to talk with you about…”

“Sure. Is anything wrong?”

“No, not really,” I answered, wanting to reassure her. “It’s nothing bad.” At least, I hope it isn’t.

She gathered her things from her locker, and we walked out the front doors. I carried my skateboard under my arm and pulled at one of my braids.

“So what’s up?” she finally asked after a moment of silence had passed between us.

“Um, well …” I thought about where we could find some easily understood ground, for a starting place. “You know Priya and Bela?”

“Yeah?”

“You know how they’re like …?”

“Gay?”

“Well, I was gonna say ‘together,’ but yeah.” We both laughed, easing the tension. “But anyway, how do you feel about that?”

“About them being gay?” I nodded. “I mean, I don’t have a problem with it, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Yeah, I guess I knew that.” I searched for my next words. “Like, could you ever … see yourself doing that? Dating a … girl?”

She was quiet for a moment. She had on her thinking face. I smiled despite my nerves. “Not really, I guess. I’ve never really thought about it.”

“Oh.” I felt like my soul had left my body.

“Why?” she asked. “Can you?”

“I, um—I—yeah,” I heard myself say.

“Wait, are you saying you’re interested in girls? Is that what you wanted to tell me?” She looked at me seriously. “That’s awesome, Mir! I support you one hundred percent!”

“Mei.” I stopped walking. She took another step forward before turning back to face me, cocking her head in a question. “I have feelings for you.”

Her eyes went wide. “What.” It was more a statement than a question.

“I think I probably love you.”

“I … Miriam …” I was frozen, waiting for her response. “I don’t know what to say. What am I supposed to say to that?”

I shrugged, my expression pleading. “I don’t know, Mei,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.” I shook my head.

“No.” Her voice was heavy. “Don’t be sorry, just …” She took my hand. “Come back to the temple with me?”

I looked at our joined hands, afraid to feel anything at all. “Yeah.”

Chapter Text

I watched Mei give a couple of tours. The crowd in late October was thinner than it would be over the winter holidays, but the panda was always popular. As the last tour of the evening wrapped up, I saw Mei give a high-five to a little girl wearing a pair of red panda mittens. I stopped scratching my arms for a moment, smiling at the scene as I remembered why I loved this girl.

Mei saw me staring and waved shyly. I waved back, my nerves returning. Her mom caught sight of me and gave a slight sneer. She’d really never been a fan of me. “Hi, Mrs. Lee!” I called.

Her expression was unamused. “Hello, Miriam.”

“What?!” I pretended I couldn’t hear her. She rolled her eyes, walking into the temple.

Mei giggled as she made her way to the bench I sat on. She poofed back into her human form. “You shouldn’t tease her like that.”

“Tease her?” I feigned offense. “I would never.” Mei laughed louder, and I grinned.

Then the laughter died out and we were left with unbearable silence. “So …” she started to say. “We’re done for today.”

“O-oh,” I responded like I didn’t already know. “So, do you wanna …”

“We could go to my room to talk?” she suggested.

I nodded, no longer trusting my voice, and got up to follow her.

Sitting on Mei’s bed had never been more awkward. My back was ramrod straight, and I couldn’t even face her. Meanwhile, I could see her scrutinizing me out of the corner of my eye. “Oh my god, Mei—please say something.”

“Sorry!” she cried. “I just don’t know what to do … I’m so confused.”

My brows knit together in sympathy, and I turned my face towards her. “What’s confusing?”

“I just … How do you know?” She looked entirely lost.

“How do I know I like you?” She nodded. “I guess, just … I think about you all the time. I dream about you. My heart races like crazy when I get close to you. I want to spend all my time with you … I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”

She had stars in her eyes. “Wow.” I smiled, looking down at her bedspread as a blush formed on my cheeks. “And you like me like you like boys?” I nodded. “Like … you want to kiss me?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “All the time.”

“… Can we try?”

My head snapped up to hers, my eyes wide. She was blushing, too. “You want to?”

“Mhm.” Her eyes darted down to my lips for a split second.

“Are you sure?”

“Miriam.” She took one of my hands in hers. I licked my lips, stalling. I’d never done this before. Mei closed her eyes. I leaned closer to her, putting my free hand on her jaw so I wouldn’t miss her mouth.

I felt electricity shoot through my face from where our lips touched. I barely had a moment to think about what was happening before I heard a gasp from the crack in the doorway.

I pulled away from Mei, staring up in horror as Mrs. Lee stormed into the room. “Meilin Lee! What is going on here?” she demanded.

“I—nothing, mom!” Mei was pure panic beside me.

“It sure doesn’t look like nothing!” She turned to face me, and I thought I’d die from the glare she shot at me. “And you. I always knew you were a bad influence. Get out of here! Now!”

I looked to Mei. She wouldn’t meet my gaze. My chin trembled as I moved to get off her bed. I hung my head and walked out of her room, out of her house, onto the street.

Chapter Text

The tears didn’t come right away. I skated home, my head spinning.

When I got home, my parents were gone. I went upstairs to my room and tried to listen to some music. Anything to get rid of the thoughts threatening to break through the floodgate in my brain. It didn’t work. I pulled out my Gameboy, hoping to catch some Pokémon to distract myself. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Mei—about how her lips had felt on mine and about similarly I felt to the time years ago when her mother had accused us of manipulating her and she’d turned her back on us. “Ugh!” I groaned, tossing my game onto my bed.

This wasn’t working. I needed to get out of my head.

I grabbed my skateboard and walked out the door. I dropped the deck and hopped on, gaining momentum as I pushed off with one foot and rolled down my driveway. I let myself get lost in the scenery of Toronto as I skated through it. It helped. The movement didn’t exactly get rid of my thoughts like I’d hoped, but it did calm the storm enough for me to sort of make sense of them.

I loved her, but Mei drove me crazy sometimes. She was so strong. Why couldn’t she just stand up to her mom when it really counted? I sighed. I knew she’d eventually come around and figure out for herself what she needed to do, just like she always did. I just felt … insecure. This mattered to me so much. I wanted to be with Mei. And I wanted the chance to see if she could want to be with me, too.

Tears stung my eyes. I sniffed, trying to will them from my vision. This was stupid. It’s not like Mei owed me anything just because I had strong feelings for her. Ugh, but we’d be so fucking good for each other. I felt at war with myself. And skating wasn’t helping anymore.

I went back to my house. I sat down by the tree in the front yard, leaning the side of my head against the trunk. I let myself cry, and I felt a little better afterwards. Exhausted physically and emotionally, I walked back upstairs to my room and fell into my bed.

Chapter Text

When I woke up, I had about 20 missed calls from Mei. Panicking, I pressed the number for her speed dial.

She picked up on the second ring.

“Miriam!” she cried so loud I pulled the phone away from my ear reflexively. “I’m so, so sorry! I didn’t mean to leave you hanging like that! I promise I told my mom it was my idea! I just freaked out when she saw us like that! I’m so sorry!” She was speaking at the speed of light.

“Mei Mei,” I said, shocked and trying to placate her. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I understand, it was … a lot.” I brought a hand up to the back of my neck. “I’m not mad at you or anything.”

“You’re not?” She sounded like she’d been crying, too. “Then why didn’t you answer my calls? I was scared out of my mind.”

“I’m sorry, Mei. I was asleep.”

I heard laughter from the other end of the line. “Miriam, what the hell?”

“Sorry.” I laughed, too. “I’ve been really stressed the past few weeks. I guess it caught up with me.” It felt good to laugh with her.

“Were you … stressed because of me?” she asked in a small voice.

“Um … yeah, I guess I was,” I answered honestly. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this for a while.”

“Oh.”

“Hey, would you … want to come over?” I asked nervously. “We can talk some more.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Sooo,” I said when we’d settled, this time on my bed. I felt significantly more comfortable with the home field advantage.

“Soooo,” she mimicked. I smirked.

“That was my first kiss,” I said the thing that’d been consuming my thoughts since we’d hung up the phone.

“It was?!” Her head snapped to face me. I nodded with a self-deprecating laugh. “Wow, Mir. How did I not know that?”

“I guess I sort of stopped talking to you about that stuff when … I started to like you.” I smiled a sad smile. “Sorry about that.”

She shook her head. “Don’t be, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.” She paused for a moment, looking down at her hands folded in her lap. “I can’t believe I never noticed.”

“Yeah, you’re pretty dense.”

“Shut up,” she said, giggling again.

I grinned. “If I could, I’d make you laugh like that all the time.”

She blushed. “You do make me laugh all the time.” She laid back on my bed. “Besides,” she continued, looking up at my ceiling. “If I was always laughing, we couldn’t kiss again.”

Heat shot through me like lightning. “W-we don’t have to do that.”

“I, um … I sort of wanted to,” she said, meeting my eyes.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she answered.

I moved to her side of the bed, not exactly sure how to close the distance between us when she was laying down on her back. “Um,” I said, crawling over her so my knees were on either side of her waist. I hovered over her, my hands by her ears. “Is this okay?”

She blushed down to her collarbone. So cute. “Yeah, it’s okay.”

As I lowered my face down to hers, her eyes fluttered closed. Our lips met, and I let mine close, too. We stayed like that for a few, precious seconds before she softly opened her mouth. I followed her lead, and she slanted her lips against mine. Heat rushed through me, and I gasped a little. We moved together, her then me, and it was way better than any fantasy I’d ever had.

“Whoa,” Mei whispered as we separated. I rolled to lay beside her, and she twisted to face me, breathing heavily. “You okay?” she asked.

“Yeah.” I smiled dazedly. “You?”

She hummed affirmatively, then reached her hand over to brush a stray strand of hair out of my face. “I feel … a spark.”

Chapter Text

“Mir?” the girl in my arms called so softly I barely heard it. We lay in my bed, our lips swollen from kissing, looking up at my ceiling and the glow-in-the-dark stars I’d glued to it years ago.

“Yeah, baby girl?” I asked just as softly, not wanting to break the magic of the moment.

“Am I … your girlfriend?”

I thought for a moment. No matter how many times I’d imagined kissing Mei, my fantasies had never taken me this far—to this conversation. “Do you want to be?”

She squirmed her way out of my arms, rolling over onto her other side so she was facing me. I pushed a lock of hair out of her face. “I … I don’t know.” She frowned.

I frowned back, my brows knitting together in concern. “Oh Mei Mei, I’m so sorry.” My mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenario. “I shouldn’t have pushed you, I—“

“No!” she stopped me, covering my mouth with her hand. “It’s not that. You didn’t push me.” She moved her hand from my face to my shoulder. “I’m just … confused. Scared. I’ve never felt like this before.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I get it. I’m scared, too.” We were quiet for a moment, the magic pierced by fear bigger than both of us.

They never rebuilt the skydome after pandapocalypse. Well, they tried, but the people in charge wanted to do it debt-free. So they built it piece by piece over painstaking years, waiting till they had the funds before moving to the next step. The site was always in a state of abandoned disrepair—no one ever seemed to be working on it, but it made slow progress all the same. I went down there to skate sometimes when I needed a place to myself.

Today, I took Mei.

“I don’t get why you like it here,” she said, wheeling beside me on her rollerblades. “It creeps me out.”

“I dunno,” I answered, reaching out to take her hand. “No one’s ever here. And there’s a ton of cool stuff to practice tricks on, y’know?”

“Skater nerd.” She smirked.

I laughed. “Shut up.”

We skated a few laps around what I guessed would eventually be the front lobby. After a bit, Mei rolled over to a wall and sat on the floor, tucking her skate-clad feet to one side. I took the opportunity to show off. I always did like having an audience.

I did a series of my most impressive looking tricks, using the debris and unfinished landscape to my advantage. For my finish, I took off from my side of the large room, full speed toward Mei.

She gasped, yanking her arms up to shield her face and wincing. I ground to a halt right in front of her at the last second, a shit-eating grin on my face. She glared up at me, but I could see the corners of her mouth inching upwards. I leaned down to kiss her forehead, then took a seat on the concrete floor next to her.

“Asshole,” she muttered, blushing a stupid pretty shade of red. I winked at her, and she blushed harder.

“So …” I started, trying to shift the atmosphere to a more serious one. “We should probably talk?”

“Yeah,” Mei agreed. “We should.”

“Um …” My thoughts slowed to a stop.

“Mir,” she subbed in for me. “What do … you want? From me?”

I cleared my throat, gearing myself up. “I, uh, I love you, Mei. As a person, as a best friend. And I really like you, y’know … romantically.” I looked over at her, and she nodded vigorously, nervously. “And it would be awesome if you felt the same way about me.” I put a hand on one of her legs. “But I will be totally okay if you don’t. I want you to be comfortable and do whatever you need to do—for you. Please don’t think you have to do anything for me.”

“Yeah,” she responded. “Yeah, okay.” She met my gaze. “I … this is new for me.”

“I know.”

“I mean, I know how to freak out over boys, but I so don’t know how to freak out over … you.”

“Do you?” I asked. “Freak out over me?”

Her eyes flashed down to my lips before meeting mine again. “I mean, yeah I do.”

I smiled despite myself. “Well then, why don’t we just start there?”

“Hmm?” she questioned, frowning in confusion.

“Like, we can meet each other where we are, right?” I answered. “If I know I have feelings for you, and you know you have feelings for me, we can just do what we’re comfortable with—act however makes us comfortable. And as long as we keep talking to each other about it openly, we should be okay, right? We don’t even have to tell anyone else.”

Mei looked at me for a moment before she nodded. “That makes sense, yeah. So … we’re not girlfriends.” She raised an eyebrow.

I shook my head. “We’re not girlfriends.”

“We’re friends who like each other.”

“Exactly.”

“And who kiss?” she questioned coyly.

I giggled. “Yeah, totally.” And I leaned in to kiss her, sighing because I could never get tired of this.

Chapter Text

We didn’t hold hands in the hallways, but we did scoot together so our knees could touch underneath our desks. I didn’t carry her books to class, but I did write her little notes and push them through the vent slats on her locker door. She didn’t kiss me goodbye when we went our separate ways after school, but she did come to my house most nights after temple duties to steal kisses while doing homework. It was perfect, our own version of perfect. And we had a little bubble all to ourselves.

“What’s going on between you and Mei?” Priya asked, apparating behind me in the washroom as I rinsed my hands at a sink.

“Ahh!” I jumped, splashing water onto the mirror I could see her in. “What?”

“What’s going on between you and Mei?” she repeated her question, arms crossed over her chest.

I turned off the tap, reaching for a paper towel. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” My voice came out more animated and singsong than I’d meant for it to.

“Girl, you are the worst liar.”

“I knooooow,” I groaned. She smirked, staring me down until I continued with a sigh. “I … told her how I feel about her.”

Priya’s eyes widened. “You did? Congratulations, that took a lot of guts.” My heart swelled. I felt really brave. “What’d she say?”

“She … she like doesn’t not feel the same way?” I rubbed the back of my neck.

“What.” Her brows furrowed in obvious confusion.

“Like, she’s never thought of me that way. Or any girl. But she said she wanted to try and sort of see where things went, y’know?”

Priya hummed. “Okay, that’s not nothing.”

“Yeah,” I smiled. “We talked about it really openly and honestly, and we’re going to keep doing that—like checking in with each other.”

“Aw,” she cooed. “That’s so mature.”

I laughed. “Fuck off.” She laughed with me. “We also … kissed.” My voice was small as I gazed at the tiles on the floor.

When I looked up, she was smiling genuinely at me. “That’s awesome. I’m happy for you, Mir.”

“Thanks, girl.” It felt good to tell someone everything I’d been keeping in my heart over the last couple of weeks. “But we’re kind of keeping it quiet for now, while we figure things out.”

“No worries,” she said. “My lips are sealed.”

“Do you wanna come over after school?” Mei asked during last period study hall.

“To … your house?” I questioned, one brow raised.

“Mhm,” she hummed sweetly.

“But doesn’t your mom hate me?” I asked, trying to will down my blush at her cute expression.

“Eh.” She waved me off. “She’ll be fine. No big deal.”

“ Okaaaay, ” I drawled uncertainly. “If you say so.”

I walked with Mei back to her house. It was Friday, she had the day off of temple duties, and she wanted to play Zelda. She was way better than me at most video games, but I liked just watching her play.

I gulped as she opened the door. Her mom was out giving tours, but I still felt anxious in the house. We set our school stuff down by the entryway.“Come on, Mir. It’s fine.” Mei grabbed my hand and led me to her bedroom, saying hi to her dad as we passed his office.

We settled on the floor in her room. I straddled my legs out in front of me and leaned back against her bed frame. She sat in between my legs, controller in hand, resting against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her waist and laid my head on her shoulder to watch the screen with her. It was cozy. Mei and I had always been touchy feely with each other, but now I felt more free to be physically affectionate without worrying I was crossing a line. Now I knew if I crossed a line, she’d tell me.

A couple of hours later, we were curled up in her bed watching Love and Basketball when we heard a knock at the door. Before we could disentangle from each other, her mom opened the door. “Mei—“ she started, but stopped suddenly at the sight of us. “Miriam.” She gave me a stern look, and my face went pale.

“Mom.” Mei’s tone was equally cold as she paused the movie.

Her mom cleared her throat, then straightened and looked to Mei. “Your dad has dinner ready.” She turned back to me. “Miriam, would you like to eat with us?”

“Um, s-sure.” My voice came out shakier than I’d hoped. “I would love to, Mrs. Lee.”

Dinner was tense. It seemed like Mei and her mom were having a battle of wills the entire time. They stared intensely at each other from across the table. Mrs. Lee would ask a calculated question, and Mei would answer quickly and sharply. She’d make a loaded comment, and Mei would reply with a borderline sassy remark. Once, Mr. Lee tried to ask me how my parents were, but his wife sent him a glare after I answered, as if daring him to break the thick atmosphere again.

“So, Miriam,” Mrs. Lee finally addressed me after what felt like forever. “Do you have a boyfriend at school?”

I tensed, embarrassed and angry. “No, I don’t,” I answered honestly, if not icily. I felt my cheeks heat up.

“ Mom .” Mei’s tone screamed without actually raising her voice.

“Excuse me,” I heard myself say, pushing my chair back from the table and getting up to head for the front door. I stooped down to grab my skateboard and backpack.

“Mir!” Mei called. I was already outside before she caught up to me. “Mir, I’m so sorry. I really didn’t think she’d be like that, I—“

“It’s fine, Mei.” I gave her a weak smile. “Really.” I didn’t even sound convincing to myself.

“It’s not fine,” she insisted. “I thought we were over this. She’s acting like such a bitch.”

“Mei.” I put my hand on her shoulder, and she looked up to meet my eyes. “I get it. It’s new for her, too. She needs time to adjust, maybe.”

She scoffed. “You give her too much credit.”

I grinned. “Hey, we can always hope.”

“Yeah,” she agreed reluctantly, rolling her eyes.

“I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“Promise?” The anger left her eyes as she looked back into mine.

I kissed her cheek. “Promise.”

Chapter Text

“How’s your mom?” I asked over the phone Saturday morning. I couldn’t sleep the night before, tossing and turning with too many feelings. I’d wanted to check on Mei first thing in the morning.

“She’s … okay.” Her voice sounded strange. I frowned, hearing her heave a sigh. “I dunno, Mir. This sucks.”

“Yeah, it does,” I commiserated.

“It’s not about you, you know.”

“Yeah?” I was unconvinced.

“No, it’s totally about her. She’s so afraid of being like her mom, and she projects that fear onto me!” I could hear Mei pacing around her room, not caring how loud she was ranting. We’d had this conversation before. “It’s so unfair! Like just because she doesn’t want to feel things and explore and enjoy life doesn’t mean I don’t! Ugh. She’s treating you the same way my grandma treated my dad.”

That was new. “She is?”

“Bleh, yes. My grandma hated my dad. She still hates my dad. But I have no idea why! My dad is the sweetest, most supportive person. And so are you!” I heard her collapse onto her bed. “Why can’t she see that?”

“Mei,” I breathed, awed by her compliment. “I … do you mean that?”

“Of course I do, she’s being so childish.”

“No, Mei—I mean … do you really think of me that way?” I asked hopefully.

“Oh!” She seemed surprised. “Like supportive and sweet?”

I nodded, then remembered she wasn’t here to see me. “Yeah.”

“Well, yeah,” she answered. My heart soared.

“I think you’re really sweet, too,” I responded, unable to stop myself. “And passionate. And brave. And really pretty.”

“Mir,” she said, and I could hear the stars in her eyes.

We decided to get the gang together and do something fun to lift our spirits. We couldn’t come to an agreement on whether to go to a movie or an arcade, so we settled on—

“Mini golf! Mini golf! Mini golf!” We chanted through the parking lot, getting annoyed looks from bystanders. My arm was looped through Mei’s, and we smiled at each other.

It’d been a long time since I’d played mini golf, so I was psyched. When we walked into the building that housed the course, it was a glow-in-the-dark wonderland. “Whoa,” I stopped to admire.

Mei grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Let’s go!”

We played a couple of rounds. I was okay, but Mei was killer. She came in first both rounds, Priya and I trading second and third, Tyler just beating out Abby for fourth. On the seventh hole of the second round, Tyler knocked his ball into a nearby river of eerily blue water. “No!” he protested.

We all collapsed into a full-on laughing fit. “Who’s the loser now, Tyler?!” Abby screamed.

“I had to give my driver’s license for collateral at the front desk!” We all laughed harder at his reminder, then ended up daisy-chaining our hands together while he reached into the unnatural water feature to retrieve his ball.

“That was awesome,” I said as we walked back out to the parking lot.

“I was, wasn’t I?” Mei asked, a cocky smirk on her face.

“Screw you.” Abby punched her in the arm good-naturedly, and Mei winced.

“Aw, poor baby,” I cooed and kissed her shoulder. She gave me wide eyes, and I wondered if I’d taken it too far. Fuck.

Tyler drove us all home, and the mood in the car was lighthearted. I sat shotgun, but turned around in my seat so I could talk to the girls, and I kept glancing back at Mei. She was quiet. Tyler dropped off Priya first, then drove to my house. “Bye guys,” I called as I got out of the car.

“I’m getting out here, too,” I heard Mei say behind me. “See you guys later.”

Tyler and Abby said their goodbyes, then drove off, leaving me feeling anxious next to Mei. “What’s up?” I asked, reaching up to tug on a braid. When she took a beat too long to respond, I crashed into an apology. “I’m sorry about earlier, when Abby hit you. I shouldn’t have done that. Sorry.”

She looked up from the ground. “What? Oh no, I wasn’t worried about that. That’s fine …” she trailed off.

“So then what?” I cocked my head to one side.

“Can, um … can I stay here tonight?”

Chapter Text

“Are you allowed to?” I asked. We were almost adults, but I still felt like we were kids. My first instinct was still that we couldn’t do anything without our parents’ permission.

“Mm-mm.” Mei shook her head, smiling up at me. “I told my dad I would stay at Abby’s.”

“But you don’t have your stuff with you?” I grinned, not wanting to get my hopes up but still definitely getting my hopes up.

“Can I borrow yours?” She batted her eyelashes at me. I gulped, my eyes unfocusing for a second.

“Um, y-yeah of course you can.”

Mei was wearing my clothes. Mei was brushing her teeth next to me in my bathroom, using my extra toothbrush and my toothpaste. And she was wearing my clothes. My old band tee and gym shorts that were too big for her.

It’s not like we’d never had sleepovers before, but … they weren’t like this. This was new territory. She caught me staring in the mirror and grinned around her toothbrush. I smiled back. She bumped my hip with hers, and I giggled and almost choked on toothpaste.

We stayed up playing Dream Life, laughing and arguing amicably over what choices to make for our digital girl. It was nice, but now it was late, and we were both tired.

“Here,” I said, handing her the old pillow and comforter I’d retrieved from the linen closet. I’d picked out her favorite one—pink with rainbows and “sweet dreams” printed all over. When I looked down to where she sat on my floor, my brows furrowed in concern. She had her panda ears, and she was worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. “What’s wrong?”

“I-um … Mir, could I … ?” I stooped down to sit next to her. “Try sleeping with you?”

My eyes widened like crazy, my face flushed, and my heart pounded in my ears. “You what?”

“Like-like in your bed with you?” she continued, seemingly oblivious to my thoughts. “Like instead of on the floor. Just for tonight.”

“I … you really want to?”

She met my eyes and gave me a soft smile. “Yeah.”

“You’re sure?” I questioned, already leaning into her.

“I’m sure,” she said, and our lips met. We kissed softly for a long moment before I brought my hand up to her check and deepened it, pouring more passion into my movements. She gasped just a little, and I smiled into the kiss.

When we broke away, we breathed together heavily. “Wow,” she breathed. “Where’d you learn to kiss like that?”

I laughed. “I dunno. Guess I’m just gifted.”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes with a wide smile and reaching out to push my shoulder lightly.

“Maybe she’s born with it.” I grinned and waggled my eyebrows at her.

“Maybe it’s delusion,” she answered with a sweet laugh of her own.

Curled up in my bed, the playful energy had dissipated. Mei’s panda ears had stuck around. “Are you comfy?” I asked quietly, nervous.

“Not really,” she whispered. She was laying in the fetal position, her head resting on my chest and my arm around her waist.

“Me neither,” I responded. “Let’s move?”

“Yeah.” We tried a few different angles: face-to-face with our legs tangled, me spooning her with her head on my arm and my circulation cutting off, side-by-side holding hands. Nothing felt right.

“Why don’t we just … “ Mei said after a while, trailing off and pushing me to one side of the bed. She curled up, getting comfortable, then bent her arm at a right angle and placed it on my pillow. I turned to face away from her, resting my head on her arm. She draped her other arm loosely over my shoulders. I finally felt cozy—safe and secure in her light embrace. “How’s this?”

I sighed. “Perfect. You?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” She brushed her fingers along my collarbone, soothing me into sleep. “Goodnight, Mir,” she whispered before I drifted off.

I didn’t move all night. When I woke up, Mei was still cuddled lightly around me. She was already awake, running her fingers through my hair. “Hey,” she said quietly, her voice still thick with sleep.

“Hey, baby,” I answered, turning around to face her.

“You have morning breath.” She smiled at me.

“So do you.” I smiled back.

“You know … “ she started.

“Hmm?” I hummed.

“I’ve been thinking … “ She brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “You’ve been so patient with me. You’re so sweet, and gentle, and earnest.”

“Keep going,” I teased, getting a sweet giggle out of her.

She reached for my hand under the covers. “And I want this.”

“This?”

“I want to be your girlfriend.” Her eyes shone. “If you want to be mine.”

I crept closer and nuzzled my nose into the crook of her neck. She squealed, then fell into laughter. “I would love to be your girlfriend,” I murmured against her skin.

Chapter Text

Mei and I spent most of the weekend drunk on a cocktail of kisses, cuddles, and longing looks. She stayed over at my house Saturday night, and we got to sleep together again. When I woke up on Sunday, though, she wasn’t next to me. I sat up in bed, looking around for a flash of red. Before I saw one, I heard a muffled voice from my closet.

I threw the covers back and stepped towards the door. As my hand went for the doorknob, it swung open.

“Agh, Miriam!” If Mei hadn’t been mostly panda, she probably would’ve transformed.

“Sorry!” I said reflexively. “Why are you literally in the closet?”

She hung her head, and I noticed the cell phone in her hand. “My mom wants me home.”

“Aw dang, babe.” I stroked one of her ears until she was calm enough to transform fully human. “Want me to drive you?”

I borrowed my mom’s car. She and my dad were at church. When I was a kid, I used to go with them. I hated it. But once, as a ten year old, I threw a crayon at my Sunday school teacher, and my parents never made me go again. That’s when they really started taking a more hands-off approach with me.

I tried to cheer Mei up on the drive, play some upbeat songs, sing in silly voices—but nothing worked. Maybe sometimes you can’t be cheered up. Maybe sometimes you just have to be scared. I took her hand at a stoplight, and we drove silently the rest of the way.

A block away from her place, she piped up. “Could you drop me here?” Her face was pale, and she didn’t meet my eyes. “I don’t want my mom to yell at you.”

I pulled the car over and put it in park, then I leaned across the console to hug her as tight as the space would let me. “Do you want me to come with you?” I asked when we let go.

“No.” She shook her head. “I need to deal with her myself.”

I frowned. She didn’t need to do anything all alone. But I wasn’t about to insert myself where she didn’t want me, so I nodded. “Good luck, girl.”

She nodded once, resolutely, then unbuckled her seat belt and stepped out of the car. “Call me later?” she asked before she shut the door.

“Try and stop me.” I grinned. She smiled small.

“Mei?” The dial tone had stopped, but there was no voice on the other end of the line. “Mei, are you there?”

A sniffle. Then, “I couldn’t do it.”

“Couldn’t do what?”

“I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell her about … us.”

“Oh … Mei that’s … not important.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, tears stinging my eyes. “What’s important is that you’re safe in your own house, okay?”

“But I wanted to tell her, Mir, I—“

“Girl, it’s okay—“

“Don’t call me that.” Her tone was sharp.

“What?” I didn’t understand.

“Don’t call me that like we’re still just friends. I don’t want that. I want to be more than friends. We’re girlfriends. If I’m here, if I’m away from you, I want to make sure this is what’s real—that we’re what’s real. So say something girlfriends say.”

Tears fell from my eyes, running down my cheeks. I wish I were there with her, to hold her hand, to kiss her cheek and prove we were real. But that’s not what she was asking for. I could give her what she was asking for. “You got it, baby.”

At school Monday, Mei was like a wilted flower—underwatered, far from the sun. I slung my arm around her shoulder, but she shrugged out of the hold. I frowned, but nodded despite my disappointment. She couldn’t let anyone know about us. Not yet.

When I got to my locker, I pulled out a scrap of paper to write on. I ran by Mei’s locker on my way to class, slipping it through the vent.

Baby,

We’re strong, and we’re in this together.

—M

Chapter Text

Mei was at war with herself, and it was taking a toll on her. At school on Thursday, she looked rougher than I’d ever seen her. I slipped a note into her locker to meet me at the basketball bleachers for lunch. I needed to check on her.

“Hey, Mir.” She looked exhausted, bags under her eyes like she hadn’t slept in days.

“Aw, babe.” I brought my hand to cup her cheek, and she leaned her head into the touch.

She hummed. “Missed you.”

I chuckled bittersweetly. “You saw me this morning.”

“Too long.” She pushed my arm away, then spilled her torso onto my lap, resting her head on my crossed legs.

“Careful,” I said with a grin. “If we’re all cuddled up like this, someone might suspect something.”

“Everyone already suspects everything,” she mumbled. I raised an eyebrow in silent question, and she continued even though she couldn’t see it. “In French yesterday, Stacy asked how long we’d been dating. Tyler était furieux I didn’t tell him.”

I smiled despite my shock. Mei sometimes lapsed into French without realizing. “I’m sorry. I should’ve been more subtle.” I didn’t care if everyone in the world knew we were dating, but Mei hadn’t had as much time as me to come to terms with her sexuality. I didn’t blame her for not wanting to be out and proud.

“ Please ,” she drawled. “I’m about as subtle as a firework. Don’t apologize, it isn’t your fault. Besides, I don’t think I care anymore.”

I leaned over her so I could see her face. “Yeah?”

She smiled. “Yeah.”

“What changed your mind?”

“Even just hiding it the past month has taken sooo much energy. I’m dying , Mir.” I snorted, and she feigned offense. “Go on and laugh, you coldhearted brute.” She brought the back of her hand to her forehead for dramatic effect, and I thought she’d topple off of my lap with my laughter.

“But seriously,” she said, and the playful pause faded. “I’m not good at hiding my emotions. Every time I see you in the hallway, I come this close to going full panda. I feel like I’m 13 again, like I have no control over it.” I rubbed her shoulder in commiseration. “I want to stop worrying about what people will think or say. Let them think. Let them talk. I don’t care. I just want to be with you the way I want to be with you, without hiding.”

“I understand … I’m comfortable being out as long as you are. I’d shout it from the rooftops. Also Priya already knows. I didn’t tell her, she figured it out herself.”

Mei scoffed good-naturedly. “Of course she did.” She looked up at me, covering my hand on her shoulder with her own. “Let’s just be us. Let everyone figure it out, if they care.”

God, I loved her. “If anyone gives you shit, I’ll beat them up.”

“You wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

I grinned. “Yeah, but I can pretend I would.”

Holding hands while we walked down the halls was … weird. I wanted to not care that people took double takes when they saw us. I wanted to enjoy the feeling of closeness without worrying over the occasional side-eye thrown at us. Mei didn’t think I could hurt anyone, but I would maul those jerks for her. It’s not like I wasn’t expecting this. Most people didn’t care that Priya and Bela were together, but some really did. And it always came as a surprise—no one assumed you were queer except queer people and hateful people. But yeah … it was one thing to expect it and totally different to experience it.

I learned this word in my grade 10 English class: immediacy. It means “perceived closeness.” I always really liked that word. The way Mei squeezed my hand as we walked, turning up her nose at anyone who stared, made me feel really close to her. Funny how I’d wanted to protect her, and now she was the one protecting me. I didn’t mind.

After school, our crew assembled. “When we’re you going to tell us you guys were dating?!” Abby yelled.

I winced, rubbing the back of my neck and pulling at the baby hairs that stuck out of my braids. “Actually, I already knew,” Tyler bragged in a haughty voice, gesturing to himself.

“What?!” Abby demanded.

“So did I,” Priya deadpanned.

”What?!” Tyler echoed Abby, and Priya and I shared a knowing smirk.

“Sorry Abby, we didn’t mean to leave you out,” I tried to console her.

Mei shook her head. “I needed some time to process.” She put her hand on Abby’s shoulder comfortingly.

“But you’re good now?” Abby asked with a smile.

Mei looked to me, the sweetest look on her face, and I blushed. “Yeah. I’m good now.”

Chapter Text

School was a lot less of a burden now that Mei and I had been out for a while. It felt good not having to hide. And the truth was, we had lots of people on our side. The people who mattered, anyway. The people we wanted to know.

I liked kissing her hello when I saw her first thing in the mornings. And holding her hand in the halls. And carrying her books to our shared classes. We were disgusting, really, and I was head over heels.

“So, lovebirds,” Tyler asked us one day at lunch. “What are your plans for winter break?”

“My grandma’s coming in to visit while I’m off school,” Mei answered, taking the orange off my lunch tray. She loved them, and she knew I didn’t like them.

“I’m going to Michigan,” I said. “To see my cousins.”

“Aw, that’s right.” Mei frowned. “I forgot you were leaving.”

I frowned. “Going stateside.” I squeezed her hand under the table.

“Well don’t get all gross about it.” Tyler smirked through his jab.

I smiled and kissed Mei’s cheek. He pulled a face. “Stop teasing him,” Priya interrupted before he could say anything. “His poor, single heart can’t take it.” Bela smirked beside her.

“We should do something when you get back,” Abby chimed in. “A party! Before the next semester starts!”

“When are you coming back?” Mei asked me.

“The 30th.”

“We’ll do it the next night,” Priya decided for us.

“A New Year’s party,” Bela said. “Sounds so … boring.” Then she looked to Priya and smiled as wide as I’d ever seen her smile. “I’m in.”

When I got back home from the States, I couldn’t wait a minute to see Mei—let alone a whole day. I had barely set my suitcase in my room before I was out the front door, skating over to Mei’s.

When I got to her house, I looked through her window. She was sitting at her desk, kicking her legs back and forth and reading. She had her headphones on, so I had to knock a few times before she noticed me. I startled her, if the sudden appearance of panda ears was anything to go by, but she smiled when she saw me.

“Miriam!” she quietly exclaimed as she pushed the window open. “You’re back!”

“I couldn’t wait to see you!” I grinned as she gave me a hand up into her room. She shut the window behind me, then threw her arms around my neck.

“I missed you like crazy,” she murmured into my chest.

“Me too, baby girl.” I rubbed her back.

“So,” I said when we pulled apart, stepping back to sit on her bed. “What’re you listening to?”

“It’s new,” she answered, moving to her desk to pick up her CD player. “Wanna listen?”

“Play it out loud.” I smiled.

“My parents will hear,” she cautioned but smiled back all the same.

I hummed, standing up again to cross the room to her. “Let them hear.” She unplugged the headphones, and the music lilted onto the air around us. It was quiet, but loud enough. I doubted it’d actually call attention from her parents. I placed my hands carefully on her waist, holding her gently to give her opportunity to pull away. She didn’t. Instead, she circled her arms around my neck like she had when we hugged. We started to sway to the soft melody emanating from her desk.

We’d danced together so many times. But this was another thing that was different now. Nicer. Softer. Warmer. I hoped it’d stay this way forever.

Chapter Text

“Mir, we have to go,” Mei wailed from her spot on my bed. We’re going to be a year late if we don’t leave now.”

I smirked and rolled my eyes. Classic Mei. She was always one to make that ‘See you next year,’ joke at the end of every fall term at school. What a dork.

“I can’t decide what to wear.” I extended my hand to her, pleading for help.

She heaved a sigh as she got up to cross the room to my closet. “Oh, what a tough choice.” Her voice dripped with sarcasm. “The green flannel or the green flannel.”

I narrowed my eyes at her before snaking my arms around her waist and hoisting her over my shoulder. She shrieked, then laughed as I let her go back over my bed and tickled her sides. “Yeah, laugh at my fashion sense now , Lee.” I giggled, then let up as she cried for me to stop through her fit.

She pushed me playfully, and we wrestled for a minute before she insisted we’d actually be late if we didn’t leave already. “ Fine .” I feigned exasperation, taking her hand with a grin. “Let’s go.”

“So tell us how you two started dating!” Abby cried towards the end of the last hour of the year. We were all at Tyler’s house, playing some card game and drinking contraband boxed wine. We were all too tired to really pay attention. Or at least I was, after traveling so much over the short break. It reminded me of my birthday, when Mei came over and sort of confessed to liking me in her exhaustion.

I told them the story of that night. “After that, I couldn’t hold back anymore.” I wrapped an arm around Mei, pulling her into my side.

She nuzzled the side of her head against my shoulder. “The rest was history.”

“Awww,” Priya cooed. “You finish each other’s stories.” Bela sneered beside her, but laced her fingers through Priya’s at the sight of our embrace.

“I guess I’m the token straight friend of the group now,” Abby mused, playing her turn in the game.

“You still have me, Abs,” Tyler commented. We all turned to look at him quizzically. “What?” he questioned.

“You’re … saying you’re straight?” Priya asked gently.

“Uh yeah?”

“Oh,” I added. “We didn’t mean to assume …”

“We just thought …“ Priya turned her head to look at me and Mei.

“Thought what?”

“I always thought you were gay,” Abby said point-blank.

Tyler’s face went pale. We all stared at each other for an awkward moment, before he hung his head. “Am I that obvious?”

“Oh, Ty,” Mei soothed, placing a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not a bad thing.”

“We’re all some flavor of queer, here,” Priya added.

“Ally!” Abby offered with a peace sign.

“Yeah …” Tyler said weakly. He had tears in his eyes, but we all smiled encouragingly. “For the record, I’m pan. And I guess I’m out of the cupboard now.” That broke the reverence of the moment, and we all laughed, forgetting the card game.

“Pan,” Mei whispered to me as the laughter subsided and everyone started chatting normally. “What does that mean?”

“It’s like … you like people regardless of gender.” I had done some research into pansexuality when I first suspected I was bi. “Hearts, not parts.”

“Hearts, not parts,” she repeated. “Huh.”

“It’s time!” Abby cried, looking down at her watch. “Start the countdown!”

“10, 9–“ We all counted down to one, ringing in the new year together. I smiled at Mei, and we kissed chastely. Priya and Bela shared a peck, and Tyler kissed Abby on the cheek.

Priya raised her cup of wine. “To the new year,” she said, and we all toasted.

Chapter Text

“I can’t figure it out,” Mei said one day in January, flopping onto my bed with exasperation.

“Hello to you, too,” I responded. I laid the book I was reading for English down on my side of the bed, open and pages-down so I wouldn’t lose my place.

She mumbled something angrily into my pillow before her head rose. “It’s not funny.”

“I didn’t laugh,” I protested, though my grin gave me away. I flopped down next to her with more force than necessary, and she yelped as she bounced from the impact. “What’s wrong, babe? What can’t you figure out?”

“Uuuugh what am I?” she questioned. I frowned. She seemed actually upset.

“What do you mean?”

“We’ve been together for what, three months now?”

“Give or take.”

“I like you. I really like you. Not like I’ve ever liked anyone.”

“Aw, Mei.” I took her hand. I wanted to kiss her, but I sensed she wasn’t finished.

“So am I gay?”

I waited for her to continue, but she just looked at me pleadingly. “A-are you wanting me to answer that?” She nodded. “Mei, I don’t know. Only you can know that.”

“But I don’t know!” She threw her head back in frustration. My brows furrowed.

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to think about it. You don’t have to try so hard.” Mei was always trying to be the best she could be, trying to figure everything out. One day, she’d rule the world. But she could be so hard on herself.

“It’s all I can think about, Mir,” she said, and her eyes welled with tears. “It’s so frustrating. I wish I just knew. But it feels like, the more research I do, the more confusing it gets.”

“Yeah, I remember feeling like that.”

“Really?” A tear fell and ran down her cheek. I brushed it away with my thumb.

“Yeah. I didn’t always know I was bi. I did a lot of research at the beginning, too. All I knew was that I liked you.” I smiled gently at the memory. “It took time. It’s okay to be confused.”

I walked Mei home after we finished our homework at my place. She still seemed down, and I wanted to be around to support her as much as I could. When we got to her house, though, I started to pick nervously at the skin on my lips.

Mei pulled my hand away from my mouth, covering it with her own and sealing the wound I’d pried open with a kiss. “Ew,” I commented when she pulled away, too touched by the gesture to react seriously. She giggled and squeezed my hand. That’s right, we were supporting each other now. Neither of us had to be strong all the time.

“Ah, hello Miriam,” Mei’s dad greeted me when we walked inside hand-in-hand. “Good to see you.”

“Good to see you, too, Mr. Lee,” I echoed.

“We’re going up to my room,” Mei said, then greeted her dad with a hug.

“Have fun,” he said to us, offering a little wave as we left. We looked to each other and blushed in unison.

Mei wanted to take a nap, so we crawled under her covers and dozed off. Emotions could take a lot out of you, it seemed. When we woke, it was nearing dinner time. We heard two voices coming from down the hall. I tugged one of my braids. Mei noticed and kissed my cheek sweetly. “It’s okay,” she said, her words speaking volumes.

“Girls!” Mr. Lee called from the kitchen. “Dinner’s ready!” I bit my lip. Time to face the music.

Chapter Text

“M-Mrs. Lee —“ my voice cracked embarrassingly. Not a promising start. Mei’s fingers gave mine a little brush of encouragement, but she didn’t take my hand. Probably for the best. I focused on not tugging my hair, not picking at my lips, not chewing the inside of my cheek, not—

“Miriam.” Her smile was skittish. “Please. Take a seat.” I did, sitting in the chair Mei pulled out for me. I would’ve given her a dopey smile if I wasn’t so nervous.

We passed the food around, and made idle conversation while we ate. I could do this. I could deflect. I could play dumb and pretend there was nothing to skirt awkwardly around. Until …

There was no food left.

We looked at each other, and tried not to look at the elephant in the room. This is stupid, I decided after a few grueling moments. I’d bring it up casually, the fact that Mei and I were dating, like toeing my feet into cold water.

“Mom, Miriam and I are dating and I don’t care what you think about it!”

SPLASH. So much for that idea.

Mrs. Lee cleared her throat. “I was waiting for one of you to bring it up,” she started. “So we could discuss this on your terms.”

“These are my terms: you don’t have to like it, but you have to respect our relationship.” Mei was on fire tonight. Her tail popped out of the opening in the back of her chair.

I put my hand on top of hers on the tabletop. “Maybe we should hear what your mom has to say,” I said to her quietly.

I looked at Mr. Lee, and he put a hand on his wife’s arm. “Go on, sweetie.”

“I want to apologize for what I said to you the last time you were here, Miriam.” Mrs. Lee’s direct gaze pierced my heart. “I was out of line. It was a … surprise—to see you two were together. And I let fear and my protectiveness over my daughter to cloud my judgment. I was trying to control a situation that was way out of my control. You owe me nothing, but I hope you can forgive me.”

I looked at Mei. Her tail was gone, but a couple of stray tears ran down her cheeks. I turned back to her parents. “I … I forgive you, Mrs. Lee. And please know I mean the best for Mei. I want her to be happy.”

“I know,” she answered, looking to her daughter. “That’s all we want, too.”

“That went so well!” I cried to Mei when we walked out onto her front stoop to say goodnight.

“I know!” She put her hands on my shoulders. “I was ready to fight so much harder!”

“Me too!” My arms circled her waist, and I pulled her in tight for a hug. “I’m so glad,” I said into her hair.

“Me too,” I heard her muffled voice reply. I pulled away enough to look her in the eyes, and they were glassy with tears again.

“Aww, baby.” I put my hands on her cheeks and smooshed them, giving her a peck on the lips. She giggled.

“I was really worried,” she said sincerely.

“I know. So was I. But we have one less thing to worry about now, right?”

“Right,” she said, and she kissed me.

Chapter Text

Somewhere in the middle of April, we started doing more than kissing.

It was nice, just little brushes of something more here and there. My passion for Mei played out in my hands. It made her nervous, though, so we always stopped quickly. “I get it,” I’d tell her. “It’s a lot. We don’t have to do anything.”

“We’ve been dating for months, Mir,” she said once. “This is weird that I don’t want to do this. I mean—I do want to do this, with you. I just … I’m not ready.”

“Then you’re not ready. That’s fine, Mei.”

“But what if I’m never ready?”

“Then we’ll never do it. That’s fine, too.”

Mei got frustrated. She was hard on herself.

“Bye, see you after class.” I kissed Mei’s cheek and headed into my French class with Priya.

“You guys are cute,” she said to me when we sat down, setting down our textbooks.

“Aw, shucks.” She rolled her eyes, and I grinned. “How’re you and Bela?”

She shrugged. “I’m thinking we might break up.”

“Whoa, what? Why?” I was so surprised. Priya and Bela were this established thing. They were gonna get married after high school, maybe adopt a couple kids, live in a house with a picket fence, that kinda thing.

“We’re about to graduate,” she said like that was the only answer needed.

“So?” I questioned.

“So we’re going to different colleges. I’ll be in New York, she’ll be at Central Florida.”

“Florida?”

She shrugged again. “New York is big and scary to her. She’s got family down in Florida. We’ve talked about it a lot. This is pretty much a mutual thing.”

“Dang,” I said, because what else could I say? “I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. For Priya, three shrugs was basically breaking down in sobs. The lesson started, and we had to stop talking, but I grabbed her hand and squeezed.

At the skate park after school, I did a few tricks, showing off for Mei like usual. She cheered me on sweetly, telling everyone who’d listen, “That’s my girlfriend!” It was adorable.

I skated up to her, offering out a hand. “Come skate with me?” I asked.

“I don’t know how.”

“Come on, I’ll help you.” She took my hand, and I helped her to her feet. I stepped down from the board and led her onto it.

“Don’t let go,” she pled.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” I grinned, taking her other hand as she wobbled. Slowly, I started to tug her forward. I directed her on how to distribute her weight, and she tried her best. She was doing well for her first time. “I’m so proud of you.” She beamed under the ray of praise.

“Priya told me she’s breaking up with Bela,” I said suddenly after I’d been pulling her a while.

“What?!” I gripped her waist so she wouldn’t fall in her shock. “For real?”

“Yeah.” I nodded.

“But they’re so good together.” Mei’s expression took on a far-off look. I almost regretted telling her.

“That’s what I said. But she says it’s because they’re going to different colleges.”

“Couldn’t they just date long-distance?”

“We didn’t get to talk much about it, but she said they’d already talked about it. I guess they don’t think long-distance would work for them.”

“That’s tragic. They were made for each other.”

“I guess maybe they weren’t.” I shook my head. “Or, you know—if you love someone, set them free or whatever.”

“But I love you and I wouldn’t break up with you for that!”

“Mei, what?” My eyes went wide, and I almost let her go.

“I would never break up with you for going to a different college. I’d try everything I could to stay together.”

“No, Mei,” I moved my hands from her waist to her shoulders. “You love me?”

“I—” she blushed, and panda ears poofed onto her head, replacing her human ones.

“Mei.” I reached to pet one of the fuzzy, red ears. “I love you, too. So much.”

Chapter Text

May. Senior prom. I picked Mei up in a borrowed car, and we walked side by side in our dresses into the decorated “ballroom” our outdoor gym had turned into for the night. It was beautiful, the last rays of sun glinting off the glasses set up on tables around the dance floor. It made the space look like it was glowing with sun flares.

“You guys look incredible,” Priya said, appearing beside us the way she always seemed to. She was wearing an understated midi dress in mustard yellow with off-the-shoulder sleeves. Her hair was swept up into a bun, leaving her neck exposed but for the few pieces framing her face. Platform wedges in brown satin with a matching choker finished the look.

“You too,” I greeted, pulling her in for a hug. My own emerald dress swept the floor. I’d wanted to wear the floral sneakers Mei had gotten me for Christmas, so my mom had hemmed my dress for me. My hair was down with a daisy crown to match.

Mei hugged Priya next. She really was gorgeous in her short red cocktail dress. She’d worn it to a cousin’s wedding last summer, and I loved it to death. It was so her. She had on strappy heels and rhinestone clips in her fiery hair. We looked like Christmas together, and it made me smile.

“Abby!” I called, waving her and Tyler over as they entered through the arch covered in greenery. She was wearing a lilac satin bodycon dress with a matching headband and white ballet flats.

“Where’s Bela?” Ty asked when they made it over to us. He had on a deep blue tux with a baby blue cummerbund and loafers.

Priya’s face fell a micrometer. “She couldn’t make it.” I tried not to frown. If Priya wasn’t ready to talk about it with everyone, I wouldn’t give her secret away. Except to Mei, obviously.

We ate chicken for dinner and felt like adults. We had sparkling cider and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. Then I led Mei out on the moonlit floor.

We swayed and danced, and I felt so lucky. Lucky to be here, with her, on this magical night of our childhoods. Lucky to have met her so early in my life. I looked down at her, and she met my gaze. “Kiss me,” she whispered, and, despite the anxiety that everyone’s eyes were on us, I did.

I went into the school to use the washroom. Outside the door, I heard a familiar voice. It was Priya, and I figured she must be on the phone. I bit my bottom lip, wondering if I should wait out here and let her finish the call or burst in to announce my presence and avoid eavesdropping. Before I could decide, I heard someone walking down the hall. Fuck. Now I’d look like a weirdo, standing outside the door. Bursting in it was, I guess.

Chapter Text

Priya stared at me with wide eyes. She was hovering by the open window, no doubt so she could blow the smoke from her cigarette out into the night.

“‘Sup?” I asked, my back pressed against the door.

“Hey, I have to go,” she said into the phone. “Love you.”

I furrowed my brows—always the open book as opposed to her—crossing the room. “I thought you guys … broke up?”

“We did.” She took a slow drag from her cigarette, blew the smoke away. ‘That doesn’t mean I don’t still love her,’ I could almost hear her continue. She looked down at the cigarette for a moment before offering it to me. ‘Damn,’ I thought and brought it to my lips to inhale. I positioned myself across from her and exhaled out the window like I’d done this a few times. We passed the cigarette back and forth a few times.

“It wasn’t perfect, you know,” she broke the silence.

“Who said it was?”

She chuckled out smoke. “I know the way people saw us … We were the perfect gay couple. We beat all the odds, you know? My parents didn’t like it at first, but they came around. Then happily ever after …”

“Except no?”

“Except no.” She shook her head.

“What went wrong?” I wanted to be there for Priya, but I wasn’t sure how. She was hard to read, hard to understand. But I would try.

She shrugged, pulled her arms tighter around her middle like she was trying to hold herself together. “It doesn’t really matter anymore.”

“Priya, yeah it does.” I frowned at her.

“It doesn’t really, like, feel like it.” Her eyes were glassy, but no tears fell. “It’s a failed relationship, you know?”

“No it’s not.” My voice was firm. She smiled and shook her head, but I didn’t want to let this go. “It’s not. Priya, it’s not. You guys were together. That matters, it does. It’s … Of course it wasn’t perfect—no relationship is—“ I kept starting points and not finishing them. I had so many things I wanted to tell her, reassurances I wanted to make. “She mattered to you, she matters. So it matters.”

Priya hung her head, stamping out the cigarette on the windowsill. “Thanks Mir.” I wasn’t sure I’d said anything worth thanks, but she hugged me anyway.

“Hey, welcome back,” Mei greeted when I got back to the dance floor. I pulled her tight to me, felt her gasp.

“Hey.”

“You smell like smoke.” Her voice was vaguely disapproving. Mei had never cared for smoking.

“Sorry.” I held her. “Hey Mei?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”