Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"The Sun was eclipsed, a thing of very evil omen. Then the Moon became small, and now the Sun became small. . . . For the Moon to be eclipsed is but an ordinary matter. Now that the Sun has been eclipsed - how bad it is!"
–Shih-ching ("Book of Odes") (China, 8th century BC)

---

They say your dreams are in black and white, but I’ve never been aware of that.

However, in this particular nightmare, I’m only too conscious of it.

The white rain splashes onto the shiny black pavement. And there are thousands and thousands of blood and bone thirsty creatures that surround me and I am helpless, so helpless, and I have always been a small and vulnerable thing, but I’ve never had to look it in the eye until that very moment and I know beyond any doubt just how easy it would be to peel skin off muscle and sinew off of bone and I am nothing but blood and organs and fleshy things that are meant to be broken and consumed.

And there are only two men who protect me from the darkness. And somehow, they stand side by side, no longer hating each other, because they have something that they must protect.

And then, I wake up, and the world is no longer so black and white.

—

“But what does it mean???”

“What the heck do I look like to you, a deck of Tarot cards?”

I missed the days when JT didn’t treat me like an annoying little sister, but alas, it was bound to happen at some point. I threw a french fry at him in irritation.

“Ow. Do not fling your unhealthy ketchup carrying sticks at me.”

“That weird metaphor took you like fifteen minutes to say and it wasn’t even funny.”

“Zip it, meatbag, or I’m heading straight back to Italy. Gelato is calling my name.”

“I can’t even be mad at you about that. Gelato is delicious. I mean, I’m assuming. The last time I was in Italy I was too busy dodging vampires to go sample the local cuisine.”

JT snorted, amused. He sipped his coffee, which he drank completely and totally black possibly because he didn’t have any tastebuds. I didn’t really understand how the whole “fallen angel anatomy” thing worked.

“But back to me and my dream,” I persisted, “I should have probably worded my question better.”

“Ya don’t say,” JT drawled.

“Alright, hold your horses there, Sassy Susan,” I grouched. “I was just trying to figure out if… they had anything to do with the dream. I know that they have major influence on me, so I wasn’t sure if they could like… infest my dreams. Or get in them or something. Cuz I feel like Edward has done that before.”

“He probably has,” JT said super casually, apparently not aware of how that revelation felt like a stake directly in my heart.

It was still really hard to come to terms with the fact that Edward hadn’t really given a crap about me. I mean, I probably should have figured that out based on all the red flags and low key emotional abuse, but I was kind of being brainwashed so hopefully you can forgive a sister for ignoring some problematic elements of his broody personality.

Still. Imagine how much it would hurt to realize that the super hot guy who you thought were pining on you based on your incredible good looks and devastatingly charming personality were only into you because of yum blood or I protect you because I am alpha male reasons.

So dumb. And so universal, amirite? Every woman knows that feeling.

Hahahaha omg im sooooo quirky.

Anyways.

“Look, Bella, if there’s one thing you’re gonna wanna work on, it’s not taking this personally,” JT huffed, shaking his head. Some of his dark hair fell into his face and he pushed it back. I could practically feel out hovering waitress melt. Poor woman had no idea what she’d be getting into with the eye-roll inducing character that was JT. “Granted it’s not okay what Edward did to you, but he wasn’t doing it intentionally.”

“Oh, nice, that actually helps a lot,” I said brightly. “I mean, honestly, if you think about it, Napoleon wasn’t trying to behead all those people, they just accidentally tripped and then their heads popped off. Totally not intentional.”

“Nice,” JT huffed. “Dark. And I’ll have you know, Napoleon wasn’t a bad guy. In fact, me and him were pretty tight back in the day.”

I squinted. “Are you being serious?”

“You’ll never know,” he grinned, bouncing his eyebrows.

I groaned. “You’re the most annoying person who’s ever lived.”

“Well, I’m technically not alive, so joke’s on you,” he bantered, picking up his knife and fork to cut his pancakes (seriously, what was JT’s deal with pancakes? The guy was constantly eating them, and he didn’t even eat them with maple syrup like a normal person, he got like weird blueberry syrup and it made the entire table smell like fruity diabetes). “I’m being serious though, Bella. While it really sucks that it had such a negative effect on you, vampires and werewolves can’t help these kinds of things. And unfortunately, there just isn’t a lot of training out there on how to be a supernatural creature. I mean, we’re working on it, but it’s kind of slow going.” JT shrugged a shoulder. “You’d think since they’d be around for centuries, they would have figured out how they worked, but… well, the secrecy part makes it hard. They can’t exactly write peer reviewed articles or whatever. And the whole supernatural element means that a lot of the history is shrouded in myths and legends. It makes it hard to tell what’s real and what isn’t.”

I stared at my cheeseburger as it was the cause of this enormous mess I was currently in the middle of.

“That sounds… hard,” I allowed.

“There’s that empathy we love humans for,” JT grinned, popping a bite of pancakes in his mouth. “All that being said–this isn’t an excuse to go see Jacob.”

I felt my face turn red. Stupid pale complexion wouldn’t stop betraying me.

“I wasn’t gonna–”

“Liar, liar, pants fully engulfed in flames,” JT said immediately. “Even if I didn’t have all these crazy abilities, I’d know. The secrecy, the blushing, the not-so-secret pining. The fact that you close Instagram really fast every time I walk up on you.”

“I could be looking at Edward,” I sassed.

“You never loved Edward.”

“Yes, I did, I–”

“No, you didn’t.” He shook his head, eating another bite of pancakes. “But you seriously, seriously loved Jacob. Don’t deny it, you lovestruck little dweeb, it’s painfully obvious.”

Caught. Ugh.

That great feeling when you weren’t even sure about something yourself and then someone just loudly points it out in front of everyone (not that anyone in this diner gave a crap about my embarrassing supernatural love triangle that would have put Katniss Everdeen to shame. What, girl, you have two super hot guys pining for you because of your rockin’ personality and your skill with a bow and arrow? Well, I don’t wanna brag, but one of my boyfriends thinks I’m a juicebox and the other thinks I’m a scratching post so who really wins here).

“It’s not just that, you know,” JT murmured.

“Uh, climb out of my head, you mutant peeping Tom,” I muttered.

“You need to know that,” he persisted. “It’s not just their nature that’s drawn you to them. Edward should have killed you by now, and once the threat of Edward disappears, Jacob should have left.”

“Yeah, well, guys always want what they can’t have, so thanks for helping me become a delicious forbidden fruit. I hope I can be like a watermelon or something. Or like–dragonfruit. And besides–why do I even like–need to know that.”

I was embarrassed to feel tears sting in my stupid eyes, but I continued,

“It’s not like it–changes anything. I can’t be with them. It’s not safe for me–or good or whatever. And if I’m like… whatever, I’ll probably just end up dead.”

“Fair point, and trust me, I’m not necessarily recommending the relationship–but I just think you should know that, okay? Cuz… it’s pretty obvious you’re not doing well.”

“Maybe that has more to do with the whole oh my word so you’re telling me that vampires werewolves and fallen angels exist apparently just to mess with me??? thing. Ya know, that inconsequential little traumatizing experience.”

“Alright, alright, you don’t want to talk about this, okay,” JT said with a huff, shrugging before eating another bite of pancakes. “All I’m gonna say is if you do decide to see him, don’t try to be secretive about it. I need to know.”

“Couldn’t you just–get in my head and figure it out?” I grunted.

“I’m not your babysitter,” JT sighed.

“Um, well, you kind of are–”

“No, listen to me,” JT said seriously, and as always, when he gave a directive, I felt compelled to listen. Seafoam green eyes. Frickin’ JT.

Whenever I saw that color, I thought of that day in front of the Volturi when I had decided that I wanted to be free–that I wanted to choose myself. And I still wanted that. It wasn’t like I wanted to bolt off and go french Edward behind a tree like my name was Juliet and I had a literal death wish.

But he was right. Of course he was right. Jacob.

Jacob.

Jacob who had hurt me, I tried to remind myself. Jacob wasn’t even Jacob any more. And maybe I’d never even known him at all.

And maybe by this point, he had fully become a monster.

No, not Jacob. Not my Jacob.

But he’s not yours, Bella. He’s not yours. He doesn’t even belong to himself any more.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I wanted to talk to him. Just to hear his voice or to text him or whatever. And I didn’t know if it was just the stupid compulsion or what, but lately I had just been so–

“Are you listening or are you getting lost in that vast open expanse of your mind?” JT accused.

“C, none of the above, because my brain is a beautiful forest of creativity and merriment,” I scowled, but I focused my eyes back on him.

“I want you to remain safe, but you have to want the same thing,” JT murmured. “I’m not going to be here forever, so you need to make the tools right now to keep yourself safe. And that means if you see him again, I need to be there.”

“But what if–?”

Wow, had I really almost asked that? I felt my face burn.

His gaze softened because he understood.

“If it’s not there, at least you’ll know,” he said very, very gently and I was literally so embarrassed I was pretty sure I was going to melt off the earth 8D

But still. Food for thought (and the food was a heck of a lot better than blueberry syrup plagued pancakes).

“You asked me what I thought your dream meant,” JT said quietly, still watching me even though I had looked away a long time before so I could stare at the floor like it was my job (wonder if there’s a trade school for that).

“Yeah, just how badly do I want to bang Charlie?” I drawled.

“Seriously,” he murmured. “I’m not expert, but I think it means you hope for reconciliation.”

“Stupid,” I mumbled.

“Maybe,” JT said lightly. “Or maybe just human.”

“I don’t know if there’s a difference.”

He smiled and ate a bite of pancakes. “Honestly? Neither do I.”

Frickin’ JT, man.

Chapter Text

“The new security guard is so hot.”

“Don’t you have a boyfriend, you perv?”

“Yes, but I’m not dead. Plus Riley and I have discussed it. The new security guard is objectively hot. We are in agreement and–Bella, please do not make that noise.”

I stopped making the loud retching noise I’d been currently engaged in.

“You can’t tell me to stop having a physical reaction when you say something disgusting,” I replied logically.

“Oh my word, I sat around and listened to you rant and rave about Edward nonstop, but I can’t say one tiny little thing about the absolutely gorgeous security guard,” Jessica grouched. “Angela, back me up. He’s hot, right?”

Angela glanced down the hallway at the new security guard. I’ll give you two guess to figure out who it was. No, it wasn’t George Washington, that was a random and bad guess.

Yes, it was JT. Because of course it was JT. Because…

Well. My day wasn’t going great, let’s just put it that way. More details to come.

“If you’re into that kind of thing,” Angela huffed–and next to her, Eric looked utterly triumphant.

“Yes! You’re not into him because you’re weak in the underwear for me, right?” Eric said eagerly.

“Weak in the underwear!?!?” Angela repeated in horror. “That’s it. I’m taking away your talking privileges.”

“What!! Because I pointed out a fact? You’ve got it bad for me, Angela. Everyone knows it. Your heart sings Barry Mannilow songs every time it sees me. Your heart has a gorgeous husky baritone voice,” Eric was saying somewhere in the background, but I was staring into my locker like I’d been doing before Jessica had disgustingly mentioned how hot JT was (ew).

“Are you okay, Bella?”

Look, Jessica was annoying and inappropriate and demanding, but she also happened to be the realest friend that I had. Except for maybe Mike, but Mike was probably off somewhere romancing Leah Clearwater with carefully worded texts that he forced us to proofread (which is more romantic? Your mouth tastes like butter, or your hair flows like the Gamgee? It’s a river! YES IT IS! The Gamgee–oh, whatever Ganges, Gamgee, same difference, stop laughing!)

And the issue was that Jessica could read me like a book. Like I was a classic love triangle adventure story that gained popularity in the early 2010s. Like I was The Hunger Games (what other class love triangle adventure story were you thinking of??)

“Uh. Well,” I said into my locker. “Not really, but… it’s whatever. I haven’t seen him yet, so… it doesn’t really matter. We’ll just do our thing and avoid each other whatever.”

“You’re going to see him eventually,” Jessica said gently.

“Yeah, thanks for the newsflash, Anderson Cooper, that’s some hard hitting journalism right there.”

“I just think you should start preparing yourself. Or maybe think if there’s anything you want to say,” Jessica said, and I was amazed that this girl could seem like she didn’t have a social skill in her body, and then she’d turn around and be so unbelievably and frustratingly perceptive.

“There’s really nothing to say,” I mumbled, grabbing a few random books from my locker and stuffing them into my backpack because it gave me something to do that didn’t involve looking into Jessica’s annoyingly concerned eyes. “Thanks for breaking my heart, pal, welcome back to Forks. Hope you enjoy Biology or whatever.”

“Bella, seriously. I know you tried to move on, but I can just tell that…”

I didn’t stand up right away because I had a good feeling I knew what she was going to say, and it was really bothering me that as much as I tried, I couldn’t hide it.

And I was even more frustrated that she was right. And JT was right and Charlie’s concerned eyes following me every morning were right and Mike texting me every day to ask me how I was was right and literally everyone knew more about me and my sad sack mental state than I did.

Truthfully, I just wanted to be over it.

Or better yet, maybe I could find a plane of existence where none of this had ever happened and I’d never met Edward or Jacob and I’d never taken a weird trip to Italy and my school didn’t have to have a “hot” security guard and I could just be normal.

But there was no going back. I was in it now.

And ever since JT had brought up Jacob–

But Jacob wasn’t the one who was back in school. In fact, I had no idea where Jacob was or what he was doing or if he was even okay. I was dying to ask Mike for any information he might have gotten secondhand through Leah, but I wasn’t that desperate.

Not yet.

And if I was being totally and completely honest with myself, Jacob wasn’t the only one that I missed. But then again, Edward was the one who had been trying to kill me or string me along or whatever the heck he’d been doing.

And maybe that was the reason I didn’t want to talk to either of the supernatural boys ever again. Because it was really easy to just shove them into two categories.

He hurt me, even if he didn’t mean to. He was controlling, possessive, and terrifying. He would have killed me.

And what hurt maybe more than anything is that that declaration could have worked for either of them.

“... we’re just worried about you, Bella,” Jessica finished gently. “I just want you to do whatever is best for yourself.”

“Maybe what I’m doing right now is best for me,” I said, zipping my backpack closed and hoisting it onto my shoulder. “Maybe I’m just trying to… be okay. Any way that I can.”

“And maybe talking to him would help that,” Jessica suggested.

I had to forcibly remind myself of what Jessica knew. Seriously, all she knew was that Edward had ground my heart into a pulp, I’d tried to rebound with Jacob, and both relationships had failed spectacularly. Which was true, but there was a lot more supernatural nonsense sprinkled in there.

“Yeah, well, I’ll see him when I see him,” I grumbled. “I’m gonna head to chem. I’ll see you at lunch.”

Jessica tried to say something, but I was already moving down the hallway. I knew she’d lecture me about that later, but I couldn’t find it in myself to care. I approached JT and knelt down to tie my shoe in front of him.

“My friend thinks you’re hot,” I said to my shoe.

“Ew,” was JT’s response. “By the way, he’s in chem.”

I froze with my fingers on my shoelaces. And then I started tying them again.

“You can do this,” he said quietly.

“Oh my word, are you a security guard or the school counselor?” I groused, trying to ignore the nervous fish aquarium that had apparently opened its doors in my gut.

“Why not both?” JT huffed. “I’ll be outside the door so he won’t have any influence.”

I’d known I’d have to face Edward at some point, but I hadn’t known it would be so soon. I wasn’t ready. But, I reflected, I would probably never be ready.

The worst part about all this was reflecting on what I’d been like when I’d been tethered to him. So needy, so brainless, so willing to do anything he wanted. And he claimed to love me–me. But that hadn’t been me.

Nah, this would be easy. He would meet the real me and then he’d be like lol ew. Problem solved.

“Good luck,” he said quietly.

“That’s gotta be a surefire way to give me bad luck,” I grunted as I stood up. “Tell me to break an artery.”

He snorted quietly and I forced myself into the classroom. In moments like this, it was best if I just moved first and thought later. Because if I stood there outside the door trying to summon up what it might feel like when I walked through that door and my eyes landed on–

The minute I entered, he was looking at me.

It was so odd, to be looked at by him, but for there to be no influence. It was like seeing someone and going, has anyone ever told you that you sort of look like Chris Hemsworth?

There were plenty of open seats in the classroom, but, well. Full send, yolo, no cap, last night was a movie, idk insert random trendy cringe saying here.

I sat next to him, just like I’d done that day in biology. Science was really out to get me, wasn’t it?

He wasn’t looking at me. I could see that in my peripheral. His eyes were on his hands. He really did have beautiful hands–that hadn’t changed. Pale, long fingers, neatly trimmed fingernails. I knew how cold those hands were.

“You don’t have to sit by me,” he said quietly, and while the sound of his voice made my heart pound, it wasn’t with that enamored rush of desire. Instead, it was nervous–anxiety, worry, and half of the things I was concerned about were so unbearably stupid.

“I know,” I huffed. “But I figure we should just… get it out of the way. Or whatever.”

Somehow, I could tell that that hurt him. I didn’t care. Or I told myself that I didn’t care. He didn’t know me. He just wanted me to act like a suicidal simp again. Ha, joke’s on you, Edward, I only act like that for Harry Styles (slap me, Harry, I love you).

“Plus, being lab partners is sort of our thing. And–extra bonus, you can do all our homework since you’ve probably done the same assignments eight million times in a row because you love going to high school over and over again,” I drawled.

“I am not doing your homework, Bella,” he huffed–and he sounded slightly amused.

“Uh, why not,” I replied flatly. “What’s the point of having all of that science knowledge in your grandpa brain if you’re not going to use it for my success?”

“What is the point of me if I’m not helping you get ahead,” he repeated slowly. “Great question, Bella.”

“And a very easy one. There is no point,” I answered–and finally, I forced myself to glance at him.

He looked back at me. His eyes were amber. The corner of his mouth hitched up, and there was that warmth there. And it didn’t make my nerve endings sing, but it did–

Whatever.

“I missed you,” he said quietly–and I immediately looked away from him and dug out my textbook.

“Bet you did,” I said equally quietly. Because he always said stupid stuff like that–and what was even more obnoxious was that he always sounded like he meant it. And once upon a time, I had believed him. And I had believed Jacob too.

But it was all a game. I had to believe that it was a game. I couldn’t even entertain the idea of it being anything else. Just a stupid chemical response in our stupid brains. I slapped my notebook and textbook on my desk.

“And I’m guessing telling you I meant it won’t change anything,” Edward added.

“You have to guess that?” I replied, and I tried to keep the bite out of my voice, and remind myself that it wasn’t his fault. He was a victim. Jacob was a victim. We were all victims and this all sucked a lot. Arguably it sucked worst of all for me, but it didn’t really matter how it ranked in terms of sucking.

“We really don’t have to be lab partners, Bella.”

“Yeah, well, I already sat down, so suck it up–or is that a bad choice of words?”

The corner of his mouth tugged up again. Stupid, stupid Edward.

My gaze turned towards the front of the classroom and I tried to pretend like a gave a rip about the periodic table.

I forced myself to think about the episode of Spongebob I’d seen the night before. You know, the one with the Jellyfishing club. Justice for Kevin.

Man, my life was stupid.

Chapter Text

Unfortunately, Biology wasn’t actually that bad. Woe is me, right?

Honestly though it would have helped a lot if it had sucked so hard that I felt my brain turning into an unstable Dairy Queen blizzard. You know, the kind when they try to turn it upside down and SPLAT. Bad fortune. Dairy Queen? More like Dairy Peasant.

Anyways.

Edward was a good partner in that he didn’t just take over and do all the work which was simultaneously appreciated but also annoying. I actually enjoyed science and I always had, and as much as I told him that I wanted him to do all the assignments, I actually wanted to learn. Because I was a nerd. So literally fight me–or rather, don’t, because as I previously said I’m a nerd and the last time I tried out for volleyball the coach looked at me and said well not everyone can do everything in a way that was supposed to be comforting but really just made me fill my pillow with snot and tears later.

Who needs supernatural trauma when you have HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS. Kill me.

“You should play basketball,” I said randomly, except it wasn’t random because my brain has a very specific thought process where somehow everything is interconnected without being connected at all. Seriously, it’s like an Encyclopedia Brown mystery up in there on a good day.

We were leaving Biology and as much as I had told myself that I was NOT going to talk to him after class because that was like sitting in an electric chair and asking when the chair massage was supposed to start, but, well. The truth was that I’d been enjoying talking to him. And I’d forgotten how much fun we had once had.

Our easy little banter of me saying something stupid on purpose and him acting annoyed but both of us knowing that he actually found me charming. Or maybe he didn’t any more because JT was around and I no longer compelled him any more. Or whatever.

But he’d seemed interested in talking to me. Though maybe he was just trying to prove a point to both of us. See? I told you it wasn’t just your blood. Now let’s get married and have creepy babies.

Yeah. I really didn’t want to think about that. So I wouldn’t! I’m so good at solving problems.

He stared at me, following me towards my locker (which actually didn’t bother me for whatever reason). “Uh. No thanks?”

“Why not? You’d be good at it. You’re super fast. Nobody could call a travel on you because nobody would know what happened. Listen, it’s a scientific fact that basketball is sexier than baseball. The only thing that baseball has over basketball is the uniforms.”

“So you’re saying that if I’m on the basketball team you’d come to my games?” he asked, raising his eyebrows skeptically.

“Oh absolutely not. Nope, no way on God’s green earth, thanks, I’d rather jump into a pit of needles or get a haircut from a bear trap or any other Saw film related torture. Seriously, that sounds like a fate worse than death and I’m kind of offended that you even suggested it. I value the integrity of my butt way too much to sit on bleachers.”

“So why should I join the basketball team?” he asked, leaning against the locker next to mine as I started gathering my stuff and putting it in my backpack.

“Because Brock looks so sad all the time. Look at him!”

I pointed at the jock lingering by the drinking fountain who was staring forlornly at a poster about the importance of hand washing. Edward stared at him–and then at me.

“Okay, first of all, that guy’s name is Brian.”

“Debatable.”

“Bella, that is not debatable–and second of all, that’s just the way his face looks.”

“Eh. I don’t think so. You should give him a W to turn his life around. Look at him, my guy is seconds away from living his life bagging groceries at a CVS, and I don’t even think they have baggers. He’s going to develop a whole new career all because our team can’t win a game to save their lives. Don’t you need to go get your stuff?”

I was heading towards the doors (I caught sight of JT out of the corner of my eye who was clearly watching us, which was a good thing even though I resented his lowkey stalking). Edward didn’t have anything with him. Just his annoyingly good looking self.

“Why?” he drawled. “So I can read the same textbook I’ve read fifteen times over?”

“What an annoying flex,” I reported. “Wow, Edward, you’re sooooooo smart. Seriously though, is there any class that you are bad at?”

“Home ec,” he said without missing a beat. “I only took it once and I crushed my egg baby. It fell onto Emmett’s chair which was fine until he sat on it.”

“Beautiful,” I grinned, and he smiled back.

“I thought so too. And Emmett didn’t talk to me for a week because Rosalie laughed at him.”

“So mature,” I huffed. “Kids these days can’t take a joke. So typical of the generation of a hundred years ago, and quite frankly, it’s very–”

“Hang on.”

I stopped in front of the door leading out of the school. JT had a hand on my arm. He was looking at the door for a moment and then he sighed and shook his head.

“Great,” he said quietly. “Alright, let’s just… do this. Come on.”

I stared at JT. “Do what?”

“You’ll see. You’d better come too,” JT said to Edward, who looked equally confused. It was weird to see him with green eyes, and maybe it was just my imagination, but his skin didn’t look so pallid when JT was near. He looked oddly human. It was unsettling.

But I didn’t really have much more time to think about Edward’s appearance, because the moment I stepped outside I knew what JT had been referring to.

And it was the strangest thing, to see an ocean of people streaming past him without a moment’s pause. So many people who didn’t seem to understand just how important he was, and why should they think of him as important? He wasn’t. Not to them.

And even though I had chosen myself in Italy and I stood by it, there was no point in pretending that he wasn’t important to me. My friend. Someone who had always seemed to understand me and look out for me, even when things had gotten challenging.

And the last few times I’d seen him, he’d been so out of control, so it was only natural that I felt my stomach twist uncomfortably in my gut, wondering how likely it would be that he would lose control again, especially upon seeing me with Edward.

“Relax,” JT murmured as if he could read my mind (could he???). “This is what I’m here for.”

Yes. Lest I forget, he was here for me, Edward, and Jacob Black.

Jacob wasn’t looking at me. Maybe I should have felt offended, but I didn’t. He was looking at the ground–and next to him was Leah Clearwater, standing with her chin high and proud like she always was. I got the feeling that she was the big sister of the entire pack and they were all probably (rightfully) scared of her.

“Hey,” she said. “He wanted to make sure that this JT guy was here before–”

“I’m here,” JT said quickly. “But let’s not talk her. Edward, maybe you should–”

“No.” Jacob’s voice. It was weird to hear his voice after everything, and I felt myself oddly not able to look at him. It wasn’t out of any weird lingering desire, but there was a strange embarrassment to it now. He had seen me at my absolute lowest, and I had seen him at his. Every interaction we’d had had been wound around this whole weird supernatural crap and I was coming to the realization that none of it had been real. Not a second of it. And there had been a period of time where I’d been so convinced that I was–

But this was different than Edward. It felt so different, and quite frankly, I really didn’t like the way it felt. But we’d all known that this was going to have to happen at some point. Heaven knows I’d dreamed about it enough, because it seems like the harder you try to convince your brain not to think about something, the more likely it is to jump scare the crap out of you with the unmentionable when you’re unconscious.

“No, sorry, but–we actually need to talk to Edward too. We need to talk to all of you. It’s about something that you might know about already, Edward,” Jacob said, and he finally looked up, but he wasn’t looking at me. And again, I oddly didn’t take offense to it. It felt strangely respectful.

Or maybe he was just as scared and embarrassed as I was. After all, he had hurt me one of the last times we’d been together. He’d lost control, and as much as it had scared me, I now realized it had probably scared him too. That hadn’t been Jacob and we’d both known it. Heck, Charlie had told me so many stories about Jacob wandering away from camping trips with him and Billy so he could go pick flowers. Literally pick flowers. And now he was–

Becoming a werewolf had taken something from him maybe. Anyways, this was a lot of assumptions when I didn’t know anything for sure.

“You know the rules,” JT said simply. “Public places only. Bella’s choice.”

“Ah, jeez,” I mumbled. “I don’t care. We can just go to that Waffle House or whatever.”

Because of course there was a Waffle House right next to our crap high school. Nobody went to it because it was literally disgusting, but it would get the job done. Plus was it a bad thing that I sort of wanted to see what the regal Edward Cullen would look like in Waffle House?

Not that that was really on my mind at the moment.

Jacob looked serious, focused, and a little concerned. He also looked significantly older. I had thought he’d been tall before, but he was somehow even impossibly taller and now, and fully filled out. He was probably–jeez, 6’4” or 6’5”? Leah was very tall herself, probably a solid 5’11”, but she looked small compared to him.

He looked like a man, not the sweet boy that I’d known. It was easier to look at him like this and imagine that he was still a stranger.

I was suddenly aware of the way that Edward was watching me. Jacob and Leah had turned away to walk towards the glorious House of Waffles. JT had started to follow, casting a curious look over his shoulder.

Edward and I stayed. I didn’t know what to do.

“You okay?” he asked quietly, and I had this sudden flash of anger and gratitude that scared the crap out of me only because I had no idea where it came from.

Or maybe I did.

“Yeah, just… I really don’t want to be involved in your crap,” I said quietly. “You know, all the… supernatural junk. Didn’t end super great for me last time. Or the time before that. I’d appreciate the opportunity to like… not almost die. If that’d be okay with everybody.”

“Bella, I’ll–”

“Yeah, just–stop talking. I don’t want that and I think you know that.”

I knew he’d protect me. Jacob would too. And they’d make a stupid game out of it.

I didn’t want to play. I didn’t even know the rules, but it looked like I might have to.

Well. As the kids say, dang it all to heck.

Chapter Text

“Um, please tell me you are not going to actually order anything from the Waffle House.”

JT had to be the judgiest fallen angel I’d ever met in my life! Definitely judgier than all those other fallen angels I’d been rubbing elbows with all my life. Okay two questions about this paragraph: Is JUDGIER a word? It looks weird. Second of all, where did the saying RUB ELBOWS come from? Not to yuck someone’s yum, but it sounds both inappropriate and uncomfortable.

Anyway. As usual, I digress.

“So what if I do?” I grumped. “Can’t I have one nice thing?”

“I can assure you you will not be finding anything nice at the Waffle House,” JT said flatly, taking the menu away from me. “All you’re gonna get is salmonella.”

“Maybe I want that,” I sassed. “Maybe it would make the entire supernatural zoo leave me alone for five seconds.”

“Real mature, Bella,” JT snorted.

“Can’t really blame her,” Leah commented. “And besides, what’s wrong with wanting to eat a little bit of trash food every now and then? It’s good for your constitution.”

“She’s just doing it to run away from her problems,” JT said like the worst person who had ever lived. I truly did NOT appreciate the way that JT had the tendency to call out all of my completely healthy coping mechanisms. I mean, who the frick did he think he was, Dr. Phil or some crap? He’d have to be a lot balder and uglier to be him.

Sorry, Phil.

“I’d rather not spend our time ordering waffles and instead hear what this is all about,” JT said flatly. “I’d also like to know why this wasn’t an email.”

“Our internet is down,” Jacob finally piped up. He still wasn’t looking at me–and just the sound of his voice made my stomach tie itself into some epic boy-scout style knots. “My dad won’t get it fixed.”

“Billy still scared of technology?” I said without even thinking because it felt natural, it felt like the most normal thing to do, to slip into an easy banter with Jacob–to let it just carry us from point A to point B, and we could just forget everything that had happened and we could go back to normal and never talk about it again.

For a moment, that was all that I wanted. But I knew I’d regret it later. I could forgive, but forgetting? Now that would be just plain stupid.

“I don’t think that’s going to change any time soon,” Jacob said quietly, and his voice was lower than the last time I’d heard it–and rougher. I imagined for a moment that maybe it was from howling at the moon. Was that offensive? It kind of seemed like it might be. I almost opened my mouth to ask, but I forced myself not to.

He wasn’t allowed to pretend like nothing had happened. That wasn’t fair to me nor was it fair to him. Someday, hopefully in the extremely distant future, we’d have to talk through everything that went down between us, though hopefully I’d die before that day because honestly I’d rather eat an entire pine tree than talk through my extremely confusing feelings with Jacob Black.

“And email is too slow anyway,” Leah quickly piped in, throwing a glance at Jacob. A bombastic side eye. Pretty clear that they’d had a chat before all of this, and Jacob was going against what he’d told her he’d do. Number one was probably I will not talk to Bella nor will I engage in any of her obviously deflective humor designed to get us off track.

“So the issue that we are facing is Victoria,” Leah said simply. “It would seem that she’s not finished trying to exact her revenge.”

“Dang, what is this woman, The Terminator? Didn’t somebody like... you know.” I made a very inappropriate throat cutting gesture, which was apparently more appropriate than saying the word kill.

“No,” Leah said with a shake of her head. “She absolutely invaded our territory and we were prepared to do so, but she escaped before we could take care of her. Besides, killing a vampire so near Cullen territory... we did not fully understand the situation. We were concerned that we might break the treaty.”

Leah’s voice sounded remarkably bitter.

“You can take care of her, we do not care what happens to her,” Edward said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“She is not only our problem to solve,” Leah said sharply, her gaze turning onto Edward. It was so intense when vampires and werewolves would brawl like this–it felt so ancient, like they were destined to be fighting forever. Even with JT’s influence and nullifying power, it was still there, bubbling beneath the surface. And I could tell that JT was working overtime. He was shifting in his seat. Being around this much supernatural activity was likely rather draining for him, especially when things were so... fraught. “You were the one who brought her into our lands. And it is not only Bella she is after,” she said coldly. “There is another life at stake here, not that you would care. But it is a life that is very, very important to me.”

Of course. I felt so stupid for forgetting.

“Mike,” I said quietly. Leah’s eyes found mine–and I realized that her anger was not only directed towards Edward. She was angry at me too, and she should be. If I hadn’t existed, then Victoria likely never would have met Mike–and the brutal tethering never would have revealed itself. I blew their chance at happily ever after or whatever.

No. Not or whatever. Honestly, the person who I really cared about in this situation was Mike. He was one of the few people who hadn’t tried to mess with me and manipulate me, and I’d nearly thrown him to a vampire on accident.

I’d set this right. I’d do whatever I could.

“Yes,” she said quietly. “But Mike is not her end goal. She also wants Bella dead–or at least she wants her in her possession. We aren’t quite sure what she truly wants, but I don’t want to risk finding out. I don’t think any of us want that. And the issue is that it’s not just her any more.”

Edward frowned. “Not just–”

“Have you heard about the disappearances around Forks lately?” Leah said a bit shortly (again, she had no patience with Edward, and even though she was kind of mean, I had to admit that girlboss was girlbossing). “She’s making a newborn army.”

A moment of silence fell around the table. As usual, I was left out–but I was starting to learn that I didn’t just have to ask what what what what’s going on over and over again like a parrot with ADHD.

Newborns. Edward had talked about new vampires before–how they were hard to control and hard to predict. There was a lot of training and patience that was required for someone who had been turned into a vampire. Just turning someone without their consent honestly seemed downright evil, which would be right up Victoria’s ally.

A force like that could be incredibly dangerous. Especially because I knew that the Cullens would take no joy in murdering hundreds of innocent people who had been changed against their wills and turned into nothing more than feeding machines. They were the monsters that the Cullens tried so hard not to be.

“She is training them to fight,” Leah said quietly. “She’s basically their cult leader. She’s worked them into an enormous frenzy–and it seems very likely that when she has enough vampires, she will attempt to attack. We’re not sure if she’s going to try to get Mike first or Bella, but our guess is she will target Mike. If she...”

Leah trailed off. Her voice had grown weak. It was as if the thought of losing Mike was so unbearable to her that she couldn’t continue, and I imagined it was. I watched Jacob reach to her and gently settle his hand over hers.

Jacob knew what that was like, I suddenly realized with a jolt to my stomach. He knew because there had been a time that I–

“If she is able to get to Mike and harm him, it will make her incredibly powerful,” Jacob said quietly, almost as if he didn’t want Leah to overhear. She was silent, staring at the table and swallowing. I felt for her–more than I thought I would, and I longed to reach over and place my hand over hers (but I imagined that she’d rip my arm out of its socket, so I resisted the urge).

“That is what tends to happen when a vampire can drink from his or her tethered,” JT murmured. “This is quite the pickle we’ve gotten ourselves into.”

“We are coming to both the Cullens and you for help,” Leah said earnestly, looking to JT. “If you are able to join us in battle, then the newborns will be greatly weakened and–”

“No.”

I had anticipated JT would say it before he did. He shook his head with a sigh.

“I don’t know how to explain it to you wolves and vampires,” he said with a sigh. “It’s not that I don’t want to help. It’s that I truly cannot interfere. Especially in interspecies violence. I cannot take a side.”

“Even when lives of innocent humans are in danger?” Leah snarled.

“Humans are not the only ones who are innocent,” JT said smoothly, but there was an edge to his voice and his eyes hardened. “We are all a slave to our own instincts. If I understand correctly, James was acting out of pure instinct and he was murdered for it. What was his crime, exactly? Trying to feed? Not to sound cruel, but what exactly makes James’ life more important than Bella’s? Or Mike’s?”

“He invaded our territory and–” Edward tried.

“Territories are not official, Cullen, and you know that. They are broken constantly. Power shifts. I cannot be seen to favor sides. The only person that I am here to protect is Bella–and even then, I can only protect her from Edward and Jacob.”

“So you’d let Victoria kill her?” Edward snapped.

“Did I say that?” JT replied just as sharply. “All I am saying is that I am not here to be used as a pawn in your internal squabbling. Or do you not know who I am and what I can do? You do not give me commands and you do not tell me what I can or cannot do.”

Edward had been trying to glare JT down, but I knew better than anyone in this booth that there was no way to intimidate JT, not when he was forced to claim who he was. Or rather, what he was.

As much as I claimed that I despised JT and found him annoying, the truth was that he was incomparably powerful. If he wanted to level this entire Waffle House, he could do it before you could say “one short stack please.”

Leah looked disappointed–and frustrated. Her hands tightened into fists, and that muscle in Jacob’s jaw was flaring dangerous. This was definitely not going how they thought it would.

“Hey, listen, we don’t have JT, but if you guys are... I don’t know, willing to work together, surely we can figure something out,” I tried weakly, not sure why I was trying to get involved again. This was how this whole mess had started, but...

I mean, I didn’t really want to die, but more than anything, I didn’t want anything to happen to Mike. And I didn’t want him to go through what I’d gone through.

I’d messed around and found out. Mike had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

“We’ve got to figure something out,” I decided. “For Mike.”

Yes. This would be for Mike.

Chapter Text

“Well, this is a fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into,” JT drawled.

He was driving me home as he always did. I had to applaud the guy on the way he’d worked himself into my life without appearing creepy–he had immediately bonded with Charlie to an annoying extent, and after all the trouble I’d gotten myself into, Charlie had wanted someone to keep an eye on me, and he trusted JT. With good reason. JT was unfailingly loyal and frustratingly neutral. Which was exactly the kind of person you needed when you were trying to find yourself and strike out on your own and ra ra ra feminism and all that.

It would have been easier, of course, if JT had told me exactly what I needed to do and how I should do it, I would have honestly appreciated it at this point. After sort of figuring myself out, I felt hopelessly adrift again.

“I didn’t get myself into anything,” I grumped. “As usual, I’ve gotten dragged into this.”

“As much as I want to tell you you’re wrong, in this case, you’re not.”

I glared at a tree murderously as if it was to blame for all of my issues.

“The problem is that–I can’t just like... talk anything out. It’s impossible. There’s no way to just be–normal about any of this. And I feel like if I’m trying to talk to Edward, Jacob is going to get mad, and vice versa, and it’s all just so irritating because–I mean I guess I was dating Edward, but I was never like–officially dating Jacob. And all of this is so stupid because–like–I’m in high school so this should all feel stupid and petty and silly, but it doesn’t. It all just feels so... big. Like–more than I should be expected to handle. And it’s like... I don’t even know where to start with all of this.”

“It can feel impossible to start over,” JT murmured. “But in this case, it might be your only option. I mean, you did talk to Edward today–how did that go?”

“It went annoyingly well, thank you so much for asking,” I drawled.

“So then... maybe it might be time to talk to him.”

I stared at JT.

“Are you actually encouraging me to talk to the guy who literally tried to control me so hard that he hurt me?” I said blankly because thinking about it that way was the only thing I could even remotely keep things in perspective for myself, by constantly forcing myself to remember when he’d hurt me, all of the forceful and controlling things that he’d said.

I desperately didn’t want to believe that that was Jacob. I didn’t want to accept that he could be dark and cruel and angry and mean. I wanted to trust that it was just his instinct taking over and that he’d be able to control it better as he learned how to interact with his wolf, but...

Was that a risk I was willing to take? Was that a risk worth taking?

At one point, I would have said yes. Unequivocally. There wouldn’t have been another option in my mind, but now...

Well. Complicated, remember?

“Well, you’re going to need to make that choice sooner rather than later,” JT said, pulling into Charlie’s driveway. “Hate to break it to you, kid.”

“What are you–”

I noticed it. Jacob’s motorcycle parked in my driveway. Man, I loved that bike. I remembered riding–the wind ripping through my hair, how reckless it all felt, and how I’d finally felt free–and that with him looking out for me, I could finally be myself and there was no danger, there was only excitement and an actual future stretching out before me and–

Yeah. I wasn’t gonna get caught up in that again. Good grief, thinking about all this supernatural stuff was like trying to roll through a thorny bush in a wool sweater. You weren’t ever getting out of that crap.

But he was in the house. Jacob. And there was nowhere for me to hide, and I finally decided that I was done hiding, and I was done worrying about the same problems over and over again. I couldn’t stay tangled up in this. If I chose that, then I was forcing myself to stay in the same place over and over again, and I had promised myself that I would grow and I would learn and I would get better.

JT had helped me learn that the most important promises are the ones you make to yourself, and I wasn’t about to break this one.

“Well, I guess you’re coming in for a beer then, my guy,” I said to JT with a sigh. “Hope you like Bud Lite.”

“Does anyone?” JT groaned, pulling a face. “Would it kill your dad to pick up some IPAs?”

“Possibly,” I theorized. I got out of JT’s Tesla (I know, right? Riding in his sci-fi car felt beyond weird, and he got stares all over down, but he didn’t seem to care because he repeatedly told me about the dangers of “carbon emissions” which I told him made him sound like a super big weirdo, but at least a moralistic weirdo).

I wasn’t going to let myself be scared. This was my own home. And besides, in his heart, I knew that he was still Jacob. He might be a werewolf now, but in his heart, I knew that he was still Jacob. He had to be.

And if he was, I knew somehow that would make things all the more complex–but I held onto that regardless.

I forced myself through the front door like nothing was wrong. “Hey Charlie, JT’s here–he’s wondering if you wanna have a beer with him?” I barreled into the kitchen, noticing Jacob sitting at my kitchen table out of the corner of my eye and doing my best not to let it mean as much as it did.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Charlie said, grinning at me from where he sat at the table. He looked so happy–and some part of me knew why. He had always liked Jacob, even after everything had happened, there was no doubt in my mind that Charlie had vastly preferred Jacob to Edward, and I couldn’t really blame him for that.

“Hey Jacob,” I forced myself to say and even made myself look at him, right in the eyes. I ignored the fact that my heart felt like it was going to absolutely explode in the most uncomfortable, inconvenient manner. “You wanna talk in the living room?”

“Make sure we can still see you,” Charlie scolded, as if Edward and I hadn’t been alone eight thousand times without him knowing. I suddenly felt embarrassed. What the heck had I been doing, sneaking around with my boyfriend like that? Stupid.

Well. No. Not stupid. I had to give myself some credit. I hadn’t been myself. And I still wasn’t myself, I still felt like I didn’t have a single idea who I was.

I led Jacob into the living room and sat down on Charlie’s fat, overstuffed leather armchair. Jacob perched on the couch, looking way too big to be in the room. I tried not to notice that it seemed like he had grown another foot and gained probably fifty pounds since the last time we’d been alone together. Pure muscle, of course. Because God hated me.

“So... here we are,” I said in the most boring voice known to man, trying to be as neutral as I could–trying to see if I could act like JT. You know, cool, in control, like nothing bothered me. “Back together again.”

Jacob stared at me. My face flooded with color.

“Not like–uh. Not like–that. Just like... you know, going to be working together again. Side by side. Mano a mano, or–you know. You and me. The dream team,” I blathered, immediately becoming so vastly uncool I wanted to shoot out of my body and find another host as quickly as possible.

“Right,” Jacob said quickly, seeming just as eager as me to smooth over the awkward moment. “I just... I mean, we haven’t really had a chance to talk since everything... happened.”

“Yeah, but–there was a lot going on. You know, there was a bunch of like–almost murders and lowkey kidnappings and weird angel bros showing up, so we were pretty booked,” I said, finding myself in one of those moments where try as you might, you just can’t shut your big ol’ piehole.

“Right, all those pesky little things,” Jacob murmured–and when I looked up, he was smiling. Just a little bit. My heart stupidly clenched. It wasn’t even an attraction thing, it was just that... seeing him happy felt good. I felt like ever since I’d come into his life, I’d made it ten times more miserable. I mean, if I hadn’t come along, he would probably just be frolicking in a meadow somewhere in a parade of wolfy happiness, but now he was tethered to me. And he couldn’t even do what he was supposed to do.

“Hey Jacob,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

He blinked at me–and then, he almost looked angry. Offended.

“Don’t apologize,” he said quickly–and for a moment, there was a roughness in his voice that made me flinch. He immediately softened. “No, I–sorry, Bella, it’s just... you really don’t have anything to apologize for. In fact, I’m the one who wanted to say sorry. Everything just... it’s not an excuse. I don’t care how much or how little control I had, I hurt you. I didn’t want to do that–and nobody ever has the right to hurt you, no matter what. Not because of instinct or weird–magical crap. It should never happen. And it did–and I did it.”

I saw that muscle flicker in Jacob’s jaw. Everything in me wanted to rush forward and tell him it was okay and that I wasn’t upset and I wanted to make it right so bad, but something in me knew that he had to say this. It was important for him–and for me.

“It was wrong,” he said quietly. “Everything that happened to you was wrong and it’s changed your life. And I’m sorry for that. That’s the last thing I wanted. I didn’t even know that any of this would happen, and then...”

“I get it,” I said in a similarly quiet voice. “It’s all so confusing–even now, I don’t know what any of it means. If it even meant... anything. Or if it was all just... you know. I don’t know the right word for it. Destiny, I guess?”

He huffed and shook his head. “I know, I think about that all the time too. It all felt so real–but I’m guessing that it felt the same with Edward too, didn’t it?”

I expected him to lash out, to be angry and wild and jealous, but he said it so simply, so plainly. There was so much maturity and poise in the way he spoke. Despite everything, I felt a sense of admiration in me. He was trying so hard–and it was clear that work had been done in him. I knew from experience that that was the hardest thing to do–to admit that there was a problem and to try to work it out.

“Yeah, it did,” I admitted. “Sorry, I’m sure that sucks to hear.”

Jacob sighed and pushed a hand over his face. “I mean, it’s not... fun. But it’s good to know in a weird way. Ever since everything happened, all I’ve wanted is to just... understand. What happened. And if there’s any way to like... go back. Not even so we can be together or anything, but...”

I felt a tightness in my throat.

“I just miss you,” he said quietly, the same thing that I’d thought so many times–about both him and Edward, but especially him. “I just wish we could be friends again. But I know that if JT isn’t around, it’ll go all crazy again.”

Even with JT in the next room, it felt crazy. It felt so crazy.

“I want to be friends too,” I murmured. “I think we should try to find a way.”

He looked up at me–and he smiled. Not that confident grin, but something slower, more tentative. The smile of a boy who’d been hurt.

The new Jacob Black.

It was nice to meet him.

Chapter Text

A lot was changing, and it was changing so fast that even my aggressively ADHD brain couldn’t keep up with it.

Seriously, I had gone from I can’t talk to Edward or Jacob any more cuz they’ll lose control and then I’ll probably try to kiss their faces or maybe they’ll try to kiss me at the same time and they’ll kiss each other which tbh I support it because maybe they are actually in love with each other but they just pretend to be in love with me just so they can have tension with each other to Well, I guess Victoria is trying to kill me AGAIN cuz she can’t find any new hobbies so I guess I’d better have my two ex boyfriends team up with all their supernatural killing machine friends and family so we can keep me alive or whatever.

You know. Again. Very relatable things. Gosh, who would have known that I was just so gosh darn normal and easy to connect with? Teehee, I’m just a regular girl who is at the center of several murder plots.

Anyway.

Can I just say really quick–this whole PEOPLE WANNA MURDER ME thing is really embarrassing. Cuz then everybody is all like protective of you and you’re like ughhhh why can’t you have like multiple goals beyond just murder??? Because literally, if you give me long enough, I might trip over a spec of dust and kill myself and take care of that for you. Like, come on, Victoria, dream big, have huge plans for your life. Get your PhD or something. Cuz James was hot in a really scary super heavy muscled way (haha look how casual as I am as if thinking about him doesn’t make me almost go into a panic attack because that was the closest I’ve ever been to dying), but there are plenty of super heavy muscled scary fish in the sea, babe. You’re hot. GET IT, GIRL.

Yes, this is me encouraging my would-be murderer. Because life is complicated and it’s easy right now to pretend like everything is okay by being as stupid and annoying as possible 🙂

But the truth was that things were going to have to change–and the biggest thing that was going to have to change was that the people that I had been avoiding like the plague were now people I’d have to be spending a lot of time with. The Cullens, the pack. And part of me was like ughhhh NOOO they ruined my life, but the other part...

Well. I had found home with both groups.

It had been a long time since I’d seen all the Cullens. I’d only seen Edward and Alice (and Jasper, forever lurking in the background). I couldn’t exactly say that I missed Rosalie (cuz while I loved her and thought she was straight up gorg, she absolutely hated me), but I definitely missed Carlise, Esme, and Emmett. And okay, I missed my regular interactions with Edward and Alice too. They had been such a big part of my life for so long.

And I missed the shapeshifters too. I missed Sam and Paul and Embry and Jared. I missed the way I’d felt with them–and of course I missed Jacob. I hadn’t exactly ever been able to stop missing him, which was annoying.

The whole thing had got me wondering–was there a way for them all to be a part of my life while I still somehow clung onto my identity? Or was that just some big pipe dream? Also, what is a pipe dream? Is that like the dream of a plumber? Okay, this paragraph started great and then turned into stupid word soup.

“I can’t believe you’re going over there. This is a big deal,” Jessica said very unhelpfully after school, loading books into her backpack. Seriously, Jessica took home every book she owned every night just so she could get ahead on her school work. Imagine being super model pretty and also having the best grades in the class and also being a nice person. I HATED HER. Just kidding, she was perfect.

“Don’t say it’s a big deal,” I said in a very loud voice that embarrassed even me. “I don’t want it to be a big deal. It’s a normal deal. In fact, it’s a small deal. It’s like–barely even a sale. You know, because like–you get deals at a sale.”

“You’re babbling,” Angela observed.

“Yeah, well, your mom is babbling. All the time. I wish Cindy would shut up for once.”

“First of all, do not talk about my mom that way, Cindy is a national treasure, and second of all, why do you always go for the your mom jokes when you’re panicking? Why do you fall into 2008 when things get bad?”

“It was a better time,” I whined. “Take me back to the oughts.”

“Ugh. You’re so embarrassing when you’re nervous, Bella,” Jessica said with an eyeroll. “I’m just saying–don’t pretend like this isn’t a big deal. That’s just silly. This is really important–and it might be awkward, so just be prepared for anything.”

“I am prepared for anything and everything. Like for example–what if I slammed my head in the locker and then my head fell off? What would I do without my head? Would people still like me? Would I still win prom queen and if I won prom queen, would my body win or just my head?”

“Please promise you’re not going to talk like this when you go to the Cullens house,” Jessica sighed. “If you do, I’ll have no choice but to disown you forever.”

“Pfft. Yeah right, you could never. You’d miss my neurotic ramblings. Your life would be a dull landscape of boring crap until the day you died,” I rattled off.

“Okay, that’s true enough,” Jessica allowed, and then her gaze softened. “I know you’ve had a lot of changes in your life, Bella, but just don’t forget to–prioritize yourself. You’ve been doing a really good job of that lately, and I don’t want it to all go to crap just because Edward looked at you with his googly kinda creepy amber eyes.”

“Seriously,” Angela agreed before I could neurotically ramble something about Edward’s googly eyes (which okay, fine, I admit it, he’s kinda creepy looking, but for a long time, he was MY kinda creepy looking guy so back off). “And if you need anything, just call us. We can pretend to have an emergency.”

“Like your head fell off?” I said sympathetically. Neither Angela or Jessica laughed, they just looked tired, which fine, I guess it’s exhausting to be around someone who’s so radically funny all the time. I have to sympathize with their plight.

“Yes, whatever you want,” Angela said drolly. “Now go hang out with your babysitter.”

“And tell him I said hi,” Jessica said desperately. “And let him know that I’m graduating in a few weeks.”

“What happened to Riley?” Angela asked, annoyed. “I thought he was supposed to be your one true.”

“He ghosted me,” Jessica practically wailed. “Do this for me, Bella, please, I need to feel happiness again.”

“You need help,” I heard Angela say as I finally headed out the front door, unable to stop from smiling. No matter what, Jessica and Angela always cheered me up and kept me grounded. They were home to me–the kind of home that didn’t want to break my arm or suck my blood. Huzzah or whatever.

“You good?” JT asked as I got into his robot car. Why the man supported Elon Musk, I’d never know, but I had to admit that the car was pretty dope.

“I mean, I’m here, right?” I said with a huff, putting my backpack at my feet. “And you’ll be there with me, so hopefully it won’t be too weird.”

“Oh, knowing you, B, it’ll be plenty weird,” JT huffed, shaking his head. I scowled at him–and he scowled back. Dang, I loved it when I could bring him to my level of immaturity.

“Also, I need to talk to you about something–and I need to get your input on this because honestly, I’m not sure what to do,” JT said–and my mouth literally dropped like I was a fishing honing in on bait and a hook. “Uhh, please close your mouth before you eat flies, you weirdo.”

“You’re asking for MY opinion??” I sputtered. “When have you ever valued what I thought before??? You’re always calling me Neurotic Nancy.”

“And you are Neurotic Nancy, and will always BE Neurotic Nancy, but I’m in a bit of a tough spot here. So don’t make me regret asking for your opinion, okay, because based on your weird reaction, I’m already heading for that territory.”

“Alright, you may approach the oracle,” I said wisely–but then he gave me a look and I realized that this was actually serious.

And then, my nervousness went from like a 15 to like a 15 million. Thanks for the multiplication factor, frickin’ JT.

“So–it’s important that I’m around when you’re near Edward,” he said evenly, keeping his eyes on the road. “Same goes for Jacob. But the issue is that if Victoria comes to attack, I will neutralize everyone’s powers. When things flare up like that, it’s impossible to stop myself. After all, the reason that I exist is to keep peace. But I know that won’t stop Victoria. As soon as she figures out what I do, I have a feeling that she’ll find a way to get to you anyway. The best solution is that the Cullens and the shapeshifters can be at full power when Victoria arrives, which means...”

“Which means you can’t be there,” I said.

“I really can’t interfere,” JT sighed. “The fact that I’m even going so far as to be with you is already raising some eyebrows in my community. It’s a very small job for someone with as much influence as me, and if I get too heavily involved in this battle between vampires and wolves, I risk creating even more unrest. And my concern is that, like I said, you’ll end up... you know.”

“Getting killed anyway,” I provided quietly.

“Look, I’m not gonna leave you totally alone in this–and I’ll be with you today,” JT said, glancing at me. “But I know that you don’t want me to be around forever. I heard your conversation with Jacob last night–and I know how much you care about him. You two were able to get along that well, even with my neutralization of your connection. The same thing happened with you and Edward. That means that there is a connection there–one that goes beyond just the supernatural.”

I really didn’t know how to feel about that. I stared out the window as if it might provide me an answer.

“I think it’s time that you start trying to figure out how you can do this without me,” he murmured. “I believe now more than ever that those two don’t want you dead. Obviously you’re in danger, and you always will be, even if I’m there. But... I’ve seen it happen before that things don’t have to end badly with the tethered.”

I looked at him, surprised.

“It doesn’t happen often,” he said quickly. “But–it does happen. If everyone is aware and consenting. It requires being really, really self aware.”

“Well, crap.”

“Give yourself a little credit, Bella,” JT said with a shake of his head. “God knows you’re not perfect in that regard, but you might be in a better place than you think. Just something to think about.”

It gave me a lot of hope, but it was also extremely terrifying. I could see myself being friends with them, but I could also see myself just as easily falling into what I’d had before–and losing myself again.

“There are some things that are powerful than these supernatural demands,” he murmured. “So don’t write yourself off. And again, it’s just something to think about.”

Oh, JT didn’t have to worry about that. I was great at thinking and spiraling and making myself excited and full of dread all at the same time.

And to think, I’d be seeing all the Cullens feeling like this. Joy of freaking joys.

Ah life. LIFE. Life. Anyway. Haha.

Yeah.

Chapter Text

I was extremely, extremely nervous. Which could only mean one thing.

“Have you ever thought about turtles?” I said to JT when he pulled his spaceship car into park. “Here’s a question–is a turtle’s shell part of his body or is it his shirt?”

“Bella,” JT said tiredly. “You have been rambling nonsensically about reptiles for the past ten minutes. I know that you’re nervous about seeing the Cullens again, but for once in your life, could you just be–”

“BECAUSE. If it’s his shirt, then what if all turtles are RIPPED? What if they take off their shells and they’re just jacked. Are we all attracted to turtles now? I think I might be. Raphael is by far the hottest ninja turtle because of his anger issues. Which one do you like? You look like you’d be a Leonardo girly.”

“I’m getting out of the car now,” JT drawled–and he followed through on his promise (rude) and he didn’t even open the car door for me (double rude) so by the time I caught up with him (which I had to achieve through actually RUNNING, which made him triple rude for making me work out on my cheat day, AKA every day of my life) he was practically all the way up to the house and was just OPENING THE DOOR WITHOUT KNOCKING (how many times can I call this guy rude before the word doesn’t sound like a word any more? Rude. Rude. Rude. Rude. ROOD? Root? Anyway. Rude. One more time for the road. For the rude).

“You can’t just walk into their house!” I squawked, out of breath from running ten steps (I can’t help that I am not on top of my cardiovascular health, or rather, I could help it, but I am absolutely not going to).

“Why not,” JT said flatly. “They know that we’re coming, and it means I can make an early escape from your absolutely absurd neuroses. Hey Esme.”

The door was already open, and there was a woman that I hadn’t seen for a year.

It shouldn't have surprised me that Esme was as beautiful as she always had been. That just kind of came with the territory of being a vampire (and it hit me suddenly like a pile of terrifying bricks that there had been a time not all that long ago that I had almost become a vampire, that it had been my only goal in life, that if Edward hadn’t left and JT hadn’t come into my life, I’d probably be lying in a field of flowers with Edward, begging him to marry me, and then to turn me, forever throwing away whatever I could have done with my mortal life).

There had once been a time, after all, where I had thought that his world was the only place I would belong. A time when Esme had felt more like a mother to me than Renee ever had. I felt guilty for those thoughts–and for almost dying right under the nose of my friends, and, worst of all, Charlie.

It still hurt to think about what I’d almost done to my dad.

But Esme. It wasn’t that she was beautiful, it was that I had forgotten just how beautiful she was. I had forgotten about the spectacular warmth that radiated from her, the eternal gentleness in her eyes, the feeling that accompanied her wherever she went that you could be anyone or anything and she would accept you. Yes, she would cherish you at both your best and your worst.

Esme had been a vampire for less years than Edward had, but I still had seen him lean on her. She was a mother to him–and she was a mother to all of them. The little I knew about her–I knew that Carlisle had rescued her from an agonizing life, and had helped her create one that could be one of her own. Truly.

It was beautiful, but also so strange. And something about it made my stomach twist itself up into a knotted fist in my belly.

“Bella,” she said gently–and she reached forward to take my hands. Her own were soft, but so cold. The coolness of vampires. I’d loved it as much as I’d loved the warmth of the shapeshifters.

Everything really was just one big mess, wasn’t it? I had the sudden urge to start rambling wildly about turtles again.

“It is so good to see you again, it’s been so long. Please come in. And–JT.” She gave JT a kind smile that he returned tersely.

He was on the clock, and there was a lot for him to keep track of in this big house. A lot of unpredictable personalities.

Speaking of which–

“BELLA!” Emmett appeared in front of me with a huge smile plastered across his face. The guy had always reminded me of a giant, excited puppy. I could tell that he wanted to tackle me or hug me and squeeze the life out of me, and he didn’t. It was then that I realized that Esme hadn’t hugged me either, which she had done often when I was with Edward.

I realized with a sour drop in my stomach (which was already overcluttered, thanks to all of my anxiety dwelling directly in my gut, wonderful location) that they had likely talked to each other and made a plan for how they would interact with me. No hugging seemed to be a main rule.

I should have been grateful for it, and some part of me was. I knew that hugging would be a bad idea–that even being close to them could be dangerous. But...

I didn’t want them to feel like they had to be different around me. I wanted things to go back to the way they were, I realized suddenly, sharply. But I had been wishing that a lot lately. Wishing things could go back to how they were before I met Edward, when it was just me and Charlie. Wishing I could go back to when I’d first been with Edward.

Wishing I could go back to when I’d been with Jacob. And things had been so good.

There had always been a brief gap of time where everything had seemed like it would all work out, and then it hadn’t. I knew that was a dramatic thing to think, but, well, I was only eighteen so I think I should be forgiven for a few “woe is me” type thoughts, just as long as I don’t go write tear-streaked poetry or anything.

“It’s been forever,” Emmett moaned sadly. “I’ve missed you. What have you been up to? Still never doing anything fun? When are you gonna do a sport so I can actually have something to do? I wanna go to a place with a bunch of people and CHEER. Life is so boring around here.”

“You wanna cheer?” I said with my nose scrunched up. “That is an oddly specific desire. Can’t you cheer for me and support me when I’m doing things like light gardening and reading trashy romance novels?”

“Ugh, why did I ever think that you made my life more exciting? I forgot that you were nothing but a dark, boring splotch,” Emmett sighed, shaking his head–but he was smiling, and so was I. I had missed him–badly. He was the only person I knew who could match my energy and weird rambling. We used to go back and forth for hours. Both Rosalie and Edward had looked murderous by the time we finally wrapped up our conversation.

Speaking of Rosalie–

She had appeared by Emmett’s side, looking at me. Or rather, looking into me in the way that she always had.

Even before I’d walked into this house again today, I’d always thought that Rosalie hated me. I never really understood why. In my worst moments, I had attributed it to some Rosalie’s not a girl’s girl thing, and in my more rational moments, I had thought that maybe she didn’t like that I was drawing her brother away from their family. Or maybe she didn’t want to see me throw my life away.

Now I was much more clear-headed, and while I couldn’t read her mind (I’d leave that up to Edward), this look that she was giving me...

She was assessing. Seeing where I was mentally. Seeing if I was still...

Then she saw JT–and I saw the tension melt from her face. She looked ten times more beautiful than I’d ever seen her before, and she had always been heartbreakingly so. There was something so tragic about Rosalie–there always had been. I would sometimes see her looking out the window, almost like she wanted to run away–as far as she could. Not only from the Cullens, but from herself.

What I had seen before as jealousy I now saw so much more clearly. She had been worried that I was being manipulated, and I had been. She could tell that I was about to lose my life, and I wouldn’t even know what was happening to me.

In a flash, I hated and resented Edward for all that had happened–but I also felt tremendous pity. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t any of our faults. You’d never arrest a lion for slaughtering a lamb. It was in it’s nature.

In its blood, as it were.

“Bella,” Rosalie said quietly, and her eyes were warmer than I had ever seen them. “It is good to see you.”

I understood her emphasis on the word. Before, they hadn’t known me. I had still been my silly rambling self, but I had followed Edward around like he was my salvation. Every word that I had said had been carefully cultivated to make him happy.

I hadn’t been myself. Not really. I felt a sense of gratitude towards Rosalie. If I was being honest with myself (which I didn’t make a habit of doing), she had been looking out for me more than Alice had been.

Well. That thought stung.

“It’s good to see you too, Rosalie,” I murmured, surprised at just how quiet and sincere my voice was (who even knew I could sound like that, I sounded like a whole adult. Weird).

“Bella!” My name was now said by Alice, who was hurrying down the stairs (seriously, how many times was my name going to be said in different tones of voice tonight? The Cullens were weird like that. They repeated your name over and over again in conversation like you might forget who you were. And with how hot all of them were, that was a distinct possibility). “You’re here! Finally!”

Alice barely resisted throwing her arms around my neck, and was instead standing in front of me, bouncing from foot to foot with that charming Alice-enthusiasm of hers.

I saw Jasper disappear into the kitchen. As much as I knew it wasn’t his fault for what had happened, I was grateful to not have to face him–and hear him try to enthuse my name when he probably didn’t want me around.

“Come in, both of you, Carlisle just put some tea on,” Esme said warmly, gesturing towards their expansive kitchen. As we moved in that direction, Edward finally came down the stairs. Almost like he had intentionally tried to make himself an afterthought.

I paused in my progress. We looked at each other quietly. And then, he smiled.

Gentle. Free of expectation. Not possessive and cold.

I smiled back. And the whole thing felt incredibly...

For the girl who has nothing but an excess of words, I found that I didn’t have any. I gave him a little wave, even though it felt derpy (and probably looked it too). He waved back.

As much as I hated to admit it, it was really, really good to be back.

And yes. I felt like I belonged. Which was scary and dangerous, but. Well.

Oh well. I wouldn’t be Bella Swan if my life wasn’t in danger.