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There was only one more day; only one more until Alastair and Hawke left Skyhold to get a head start to scout the Western Approach. With the grey wardens hunting Alistair, and Hawke not exactly being subtle, it was imperative that they waited as long as possible to leave. They couldn’t wait long there for the inquisition to arrive, so timing was imperative.
The inquisitor had just arrived back from Halamshiral, and from what he heard, he couldn’t decide whether it was a win or a loss. The empress had been assassinated, but talks between the Orlesians and the inquisition suggested an alliance.
Alistair didn’t understand all of the politics. It made him happy that he wasn’t on the throne.
The waiting wasn’t easy. Skyhold was beautiful, and Alistair was protected and hidden while there. But the Calling was always with him. The song, its music...he couldn’t decide whether it was beautiful or haunting. Being extroverted, he didn’t prefer to be alone in the first place, but without company in the empty stone halls of Skyhold, uncomfortable became an understatement. He then couldn’t ignore the song’s hum. When there was no distraction, he could no longer hear his breathing, and the air almost felt suffocating and confining. Memories of the deep roads invaded his senses; paranoia would sneak up on him, and he would be lying if he had said he hadn’t pulled his blade on the non-existent darkspawn, or yelled to drown out the sound. When others were around it wasn’t as bad. With others near, if the sound was too loud, he could start a conversation, or make a joke. Yeah, he might bother the strangers he tells a bad joke to, but at least the Calling would quiet. Skyhold wasn’t his favorite place.
As miserable as he could be at times though, he could never stop thinking about how much worse it could be for Kallian. She was the strongest woman he had ever met, yet, she had started to hear the Calling before him.
That day, that experience, was one of the most terrifying moments of his life. As grey wardens, the knowledge that one day they would experience the Calling and have to march to their deaths was a given, though easy to forget. Especially when it was supposed to be so far away. But changes happen, and their inevitable death couldn’t be acceptable anymore. Not when he finally had everything he had ever wanted. They had started to look for a cure together.
Then he had started hearing it too. He, Carver, and Hawke had stayed in communication, and it turned out that Carver had been hearing the calling as well. They found out the calling wasn’t coincidental, and these series of events had pulled Alistair and Kallian away from each other. Alistair was to understand why they all were hearing the calling by visiting the grey wardens and Kallian staying far away and safe.
Yes, she was researching a cure, but staying safe was a priority. He didn’t take well to separating, and she didn’t take well to taking the “safe route,” but it was necessary. Then, just in his usual form, he had to go and turn the grey wardens against him.
It would be nice to NOT have large amounts of people or creatures trying to kill him. Just for once.
Now he couldn’t see her until the situation was taken care of. Even writing could be dangerous for her if the wardens are desperate enough. However, Leliana had convinced him that her ravens and scouts could secure communication while he was there. And there were very few people he trusted in this world more than Leliana.
“No Alistair, I have not received any communication from her.” His trips up to the tower where Leliana frequented were routine.
Feigning hurt, Alistair said, “I’m hurt Leliana. You don’t think I would come here to visit a friend? You’ve been gone to Halamshiral, and I missed you dearly.”
Her lips tipped up slightly, “As nice as it is to see a good friend, we both know why you’re here.”
He sighed. “It’s been a while though. Are you sure your scouts have made contact? It’s actually her, right? We know she’s fine?”
“Last I heard she is,” she sighed, “As much as I do love your company, I do have a lot that needs done. As you know, I’ve been gone a while.”
“Ok, but even the sneaky bard needs food.” Hoping that she would join him to the dining area, he added, “Join me?”
“I have to respectfully decline. You’re leaving soon? How about tomorrow then?” Looking at his downcast look she added, “You’re lonely, aren’t you?”
“I miss her. So much.” Pushing away from the wall he was leaning from (before she was able to respond), he flashed a small smile and said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“You will be the first to know if I hear from her.”
“Thanks.” He turned and walked through the door to the outside. It might be the long way to food, but he wouldn’t be confined to the stone walls. He put his hands to his face and sighed.
He was so worried about her. She was safe, and being so far ensured that, but it didn’t make the separation any easier. And with the situation he was in now, there was a chance that he wouldn’t make it back to her. He would fight tooth and nail to do so, but in the end, it might not be up to him.
He heard footsteps behind him. “Can you not leave a man to brood?”
“I know you’re hurting.” Alistair didn’t recognize the voice. He turned around to face a young man with sunken eyes under a large hat. An unusually large hat.
“Um....not creepy at all...”
“You’re sad, hurt. You miss her, you miss...them. Scared that you wont see her, that you’ll never get to meet him...”
Alistair just stared at the young man, for once at a loss for words. Had he met him before? Leliana and Hawke might know his feelings for Kallian, but this boy he was nearly sure he had never seen him. He would remember that hat for sure. He knew he wore his heart on his shoulder, but was it this obvious he missed Kallian?
The man paused and looked at Alistair. With a tilt of his head, he added, “You should go see her. She doesn’t hate you anymore.”
Now he was lost. As far as he was aware Kallian, though she had grown to be a bit stoic, had openly loved him. He had no clue who “didn’t hate him anymore.” He cleared his throat, “Ahem. Well, I don’t really understand what you’re telling me, but let’s start with a name. I’m...”
“Alistair Therin. I know.”
He was pretty sure that the shock showed on his face. He had very rarely even said his last name, yet this man knew it. “Well. Yes. It seems I’m more popular than I’m comfortable with. Um, what’s your name?”
“I’m Cole.” Turning, Cole pointed to a path, “You can find some food this way. I know a path that stays outside.”
And he started walking. One might question following this enigma, but Alistair, he didn’t sense any malice in him and started following. Not that he thought anyone should trust his judgement in that area, but nonetheless.
Cole brought them to the ground level through different pathways and a couple set of stairs. Alistair tried to initiate conversation, but Cole didn’t respond other than a glance in a different direction.
Finally, Cole stopped them at a door. Pointing at it, he said, “Go that way for food. You wont be alone long. The singing wont get loud.”
Alistair blinked, and Cole was gone.
Wait, who? He looked around expecting someone to be there. Wasn’t he just with someone? Alistair glanced around one more time, looking for something he wasn’t sure of, then stepped up to the door he was pretty sure he had to go in.
Food. That’s where he was going. “Don’t ask me how I know the way,” he says to himself, and walks in.
“...It’s a dark room.” He looked around and saw a door on the other side. Why did he think to go this way to the kitchen again? He decided to try the door and see if it led to the kitchen. If not, he was abandoning this odd path.
He found the kitchen. There was a little food out, and he wasn’t above taking a little for himself (especially because his love was a bit of a kleptomaniac; he had adapted some of her habits). He looked over the small selection, and was happy to see some cheese and fruit along with a small selection of bread.
Before he could grab some, the door on the opposite side cracked open. A boy stepped in and stopped when he spotted Alistair. For a moment, they froze and stared at each other. Alistair felt a little strange being caught stealing food by a young boy, but then realized that this was the first child he had seen in Skyhold. Luckily, he considered himself good with children.
“Hello, there.” He didn’t step towards the boy, but just smiled at him and waved. “Are you here to get some food too?”
The boy squinted at him before he spoke. Alistair couldn’t help but feel like this boy saw through him. There was something...different about him.
“Mother is really tired. I wanted to bring her something.”
Alistair smiled. Sweet boy to think of his mother. “Luckily I consider myself a food expert. What kind of food does your mother like?”
The boy continued to look at him (through him?). Finally, he spoke up. “Your blood is very familiar. Who are you?”
He knew it; there was something different about the boy. A young mage? Can’t say he’s ever known a mage who could “see” blood, but there is a first for everything. He was shocked to hear that statement from this boy (and for some reason that he could not pinpoint felt a bit of deja vu), but didn’t feel any malice from this child. Not that he thought anyone should trust his judgement in that area, but nonetheless.
And for some strange inexplicable reason, saw something familiar in the boy. He didn’t know what was eliciting that feeling, but it was there. Perhaps he had met the boy before?
“My name is Alistair.” Sensing the unease in the child, he added “Don’t worry, I wont hurt you.”
“I know.”
“What’s your name?”
“I’m Kieran.” Nope, never met a Kieran.
“Ok, Kieran. What does your mother like?”
Finally Kieran looked away from Alistair to the food on the counter “Well, she really loves fruit.”
Alistair put some fruit on a small plate, and didn’t miss how Kieran’s eyes moved to the nearby cheese wheel. “You wouldn’t happen to like cheese would you young man?” Kieran looked at him and did a small nod. Alistair winked at him, and moved to cut two small chunks off the wheel. “You have good tastes. One for you and one for me. I wont tell.” Kieran smiled and took a bite.
“This is really good,” Kieran popped the rest of it in his mouth.
“Well, since you like it so much,” Alistair cut off another hunk and put it on the plate. Handing the plate to Kieran, he asked, “where is your mother?”
“She told me to meet her in the garden.”
“Do you know how to get to the garden?”
He broke off eye contact with Alistair, “I thought I did, but I got lost coming here. This place is really big...”
“This place is large. I must have taken many wrong turns here. The empty halls can get a little scary too.” Alistair opened the door Kieran came from and allowed Kieran to go first.
“Why are you scared?”
“Well, not so much scared. But being an old grey warden, I hear some things in the empty halls.” He joked about it, but the thought of the deep roads calling to him, beckoning him to go to his death was much more terrifying than the paranoia that empty halls brought.
Especially because it meant his love was experiencing the same thing.
******
Together they walked the hallways in an attempt to find the garden. Alistair had been there before, and though they made a couple of wrong turns, they were able to locate the it. The Calling was there, as it always was, but conversation with the boy diminished the effect of the song.
The boy was wise, and knew things far beyond what he knew at that age. Granted, at the boy’s age, Alistair was running around the chantry behaving like a blasphemous devil, so he probably wasn’t a good comparison. Though Kieran said things that sounded like an old enchanter was speaking, he still acted like a boy. The child talked about how he could see people through their blood, yet was excited over cheese. The contradiction was very fascinating.
When they stepped into the garden, Kieran looked around and spotted the person he was looking for. Turning to Alistair, he said “Thank you. You’re really nice.” Alistair handed the plate to him and smiled. “Mother is over there. And don’t be afraid of the halls. There was nothing to hurt you there.” Kieran walked off towards his mother. Alistair felt a little embarrassment at a child telling him not to be afraid. However, he found it more adorable than embarrassing.
A fascinating contradiction indeed.
He followed the boy’s path, and saw him reach the woman he presumed was the boy’s mother. She was reading a book, but as soon as he approached her, she lowered the book and welcomed him with a large smile.
She was scantily dressed, and quite frankly Alistair had no idea how she wasn’t freezing. He squinted at her; now the woman looked familiar. Today was a very odd day indeed...
Taking a few steps forward, the woman became clearer. Her odd outfit, the black hair, the....yellow...eyes...
He knew the woman. And it made his stomach sink. It was Morrigan. MORRIGAN. The witch that had held as much dislike for him as he had for her; a relationship that was as friendly as a cat and dog’s. The woman that had given him many of his worst memories. And she was in front of him.
The last thing he had said to her was that if he had ever seen her again it would be too soon. At the moment he felt that sentiment was true; at the moment he wanted to be anywhere but here. What were the chances that Morrigan, of all people, was at the inquisition? The memories of the last time they were together flooded his brain, and he nearly turned around and left before she could see him.
The last time they were together....was to create a child.
Kieran was a child who claimed Morrigan was his mother.
And he couldn’t be more than 10.
As the pieces arranged themselves in his mind, he looked over at Morrigan and Kieran again. He was sitting next to her, eating the cheese while she nibbled at a fruit. She was looking at him like he was the most important thing in the world...and she had a kind smile on her face.
The Morrigan he knew wouldn’t care about a child; she would only care about how she could use him. That’s why they had that child in the first place. He had spent numerous nights awake, wondering and worrying about the fate of the child, possibly the only child, he fathered. Had the child been miserable? Isolated? Used?
Even human?
Yet, they looked...happy...sharing that plate of food.
The boy wasn’t an odd mage. He had the soul of a god.
As the two were talking, Kieran pointed to Alistair, and Morrigan looked over at him. Alistair’s eyes met hers. She was further away, but he could tell she was staring at him, trying to figure out if it was him. He could probably leave right now and she wouldn’t talk to him, wouldn’t follow him.
She broke the gaze and said some words to Kieran. Alistair watched him walk over to the plants and the boy was occupied. Then he saw Morrigan walking towards him.
He couldn’t get away now.
She stopped a couple of yards from him, and looked at him closer, “...Alistair?”
“....Morrigan.”
He couldn’t help but remember the last experience he had with her, and felt like an idiot for not being able to let it go. Ten years and he still got incredibly nervous around her. What kind of man was he?
“Breathe Alistair. I shan’t hurt you.”
So he breathed. It really wasn’t that hard after all.
“Kieran said you helped him. I did not know if it was you.”
“So...that’s...him?” He asked quickly. He was smart enough to know, and it only made sense. But he needed to know for sure. He needed to hear it from her.
“Yes.”
He never knew how he would feel to meet the child he fathered. He had...never thought he would meet him. But knowing it now, knowing that Kieran was actually his son, he felt incredibly happy. A small smile lifted a side of his mouth. Even though the connection was nothing more than blood, he felt so immensely proud of that boy.
...He shouldn’t be ridiculous. Morrigan had ensured that there was no connection. He didn’t need to falsify something in his mind. Having a child had seemed so unobtainable for the longest time, and at the same time had been a dream. Now it was right in front of him, in more ways than one.
Honestly, he was relieved that Kieran was a normal, happy boy. Well, as normal as a boy with a god in him. He smiled, conversed with him, looked healthy.
He let out a small, quiet laugh, “I...I thought he’d look...I don’t know. More demonic. Tentacles and fiery breath.” Just like him to break the tension with a stupid joke.
Morrigan rolled her eyes. Exasperated, she spoke slowly, “He is a normal boy, Alistair.”
There was the Morrigan he knew.
Silence between them grew. Morrigan’s eyes looked over at Kieran, carefully inspecting one of the garden’s plants, and Alistair’s followed her gaze. Was it elfroot he was looking at? Alistair didn’t know; if it weren’t for Kallian, he probably would have poisoned himself eating the wrong herb.
Did Kieran know anything about him? Or maybe about a father in general? Any child would be curious about their parents; Alistair was when he was younger. He wanted to ask, but knowing Morrigan, she probably didn’t have anything good to say about him. They had left on very negative terms ten years ago, and he couldn’t have imagined anything that could have changed between now and then. Alistair broke the silence, “And what does he know of...” He paused, trying to find the best way of phrasing his question. He didn’t want to say something wrong, not when Morrigan was treating him civil. Slowly, cautiously (awkwardly as well) he continued “of how he was made?”
She continued to look at Kieran, and her voice was soft as she responded, “He knows his father was a good man.”
Alistair looked at her, and was....confused. Did he hear correctly? Morrigan called him...a good man?
“I...” She must have sensed his gaze, and slowly returned it, “I thought you deserved that much.”
And there was the Morrigan he never expected. Was this really still her? The woman, who ten years prior, would take any opportunity to hurt him, to break him down, said he was a good man? If his mouth were comically hanging open, he wouldn’t doubt it.
Morrigan had looked happy with her son. Legitimately happy; he had never seen such a smile on her face. And when she looked at Kieran, he saw that pride and happiness in her eyes that he had a taste of a moment ago.
Then he did something he thought he never would do; he smiled at Morrigan. It was a small, cautious smile, but it was there. She responded by looking back at Kieran. He softly spoke to her, “He changed you.”
He then saw a flash of the familiar Morrigan in her scowl, “Don’t be absurd.”
Alistair laughed. Though she didn’t smile or laugh with him, the scowl melted away.
She shifted on her feet and looked away. “I...” She started. Her voice was quiet. Alistair glanced in her direction. She looked very uncomfortable, but as if she was trying to find the right words.
This new Morrigan was something she wasn’t used to as well.
She continued, “Kieran...he might have began as a means to an end. But,” and she spoke the next words slow and quiet, as if she didn’t know if it was safe or right to say to him, “he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, Alistair. And twas you who gave him to me.” She couldn’t look at him, and the discomfort with the vulnerability she was expressing was visible in her crossed arms and downward glance. “You are a good man.”
Alistair was speechless. He looked at her but she refused to glance his way. He felt his throat tighten. He was very used to people degrading him, teasing him, making fun of him (self depreciating humor was his thing after all). But someone telling him that he changed their life? It was the same reason he didn’t like to be recognized for his role in stopping the blight. He didn’t know how to deal with the praise. He had no idea what to say to Morrigan.
She was the one to break the silence. Her gaze returned to him and the unease he felt from her was gone, “Are you still with Kallian?”
Alistair nodded, “She is the most important thing in Thedas to me.”
“How is she?”
Now it was his turn to be uncomfortable. This time, it wasn’t from the woman standing by him; it was the same feeling he had on the battlements. It was the worry, the fear that he wouldn’t see her again....He rubbed his eyes and moved his hand across his face.
“Kallian is pregnant.”
He was terrified that he wouldn’t get to meet his own child. He had wanted a child for so long, and until recently, he had thought it would just be a dream. Now, the calling, Corypheus, and the wardens threatened to take it all away.
“I see.” She didn’t look surprised. She didn’t really show any emotion at all.
“We’re hearing the calling. And it appears most of the grey wardens in Orlais want me dead. It seems irony wants to slap me in the face with that one. She wasn’t feeling well when I left, and she is safe, but I don’t want her to be in danger because everyone wants me dead.” He had no idea why he was choosing to confide in a woman that he was sure hated him until ten minutes ago. “I haven’t heard from her in so long.”
“I have no means of aiding with the grey wardens I fear. But I am here to lend my knowledge to stopping Corypheus. I do not know if I completely trust this inquisitor, but I believe she has the power to end him.”
They weren’t really words of comfort, but at least she was trying. Alistair smirked. “If I make it out of this we want to find a cure for the calling and disappear. The appeal of the wardens has diminished for some strange reason that I can’t quite pinpoint. You can keep in your ‘I told you so’s. We were getting close to something before everything, but here we are.”
“If you think she will see me, I have knowledge that might help. Once Corypheus is dead that is.”
“I’m not quite sure you will know where we will be, Morrigan.”
“Oh I have means of finding you Alistair, trust me.”
“Thanks for that. It’s really reassuring.”
“Do you wish for my help or not?”
“...Yes. I suppose we would,” he paused and looked right at her, “thank you.” He actually thought that Kallian would like to see her.
“Here you go mother!” Alistair nearly jumped when Kieran came up to them, his hands full of different kinds of herbs, “These ones were ready for you. The younger ones didn’t want to go yet.”
Once the shock wore off, Alistair smiled at the boy. He can even sense the plants. Of course it would be his son that held conversations with plants.
His son...Kieran may never know that Alistair was his father, but it made him proud anyway. He wished that there was something he could do for the boy, or something he could give him...
“Thank you Kieran,” Morrigan smiled at him, “This is just what I...”
Alistair had an idea. “Morrigan?” he interrupted.
She sighed an exasperated sigh, “yes Alistair?”
“May I give Kieran something?”
Kieran tilted his head in curiosity. Morrigan narrowed her eyes, “What is it?” She asked quietly.
“Just....something small. I promise.”
“Fine.”
He dug through his pocket and pulled out something small. Kneeling down to Kieran he opened his hand to show Kieran the worry token he always carried around. “So, I found this token way before you were born.” He flipped it over to the worn side, “I use it...Kind of like a good luck token.”
A look of guilt came upon Kieran’s face, “I’m sorry, but luck isn’t real.”
Alistair laughed, “Oh trust me, I know that. Any luck I would have would be rotten so it’s probably for the best. Ahem. So...just a token then. Whenever I get worried, or something just doesn’t feel right, I rub it right here. It’s always helped me feel better. Do you...do you want it?”
Kieran looked at the coin. Slowly, he took it out of Alistair’s hand and turned it around a few times. “You know it helps keep you strong, right? I can have it?”
Alistair smiled and gave a nod. Kieran looked it over, and he too smiled, “It’s really pretty. Thank you Alistair.” He walked away, looking at the coin.
“Is that the same one you’ve always carried?” Morrigan asked.
“Yes.” He looked at her. He didn’t want to impose. There was only so much time he could spend with Morrigan before they were at each other’s throats again. He wanted to spend more time with the child, but now he was occupied with his coin, and...It would get harder to leave if he started to know Kieran. “I...I better leave. Morrigan...thank you.” He laughed, “Never thought I would say that.”
“Thank you Alistair. You will be hearing from me.”
Alistair smiled at her. Then he stole one more glance at the child.
He still missed Kallian. He didn’t think that would go away, not until he could see and hold her again. But seeing Morrigan and meeting Kieran had been incredibly reassuring. The boy he helped bring into this world wasn’t hurting or suffering. Morrigan actually loved him, and he was a happy, mostly normal little boy. It felt like a large weight, one that he didn’t even know he had, had been taken off his shoulders.
He couldn’t wait to tell Kallian about Kieran.
****
On their way back from the fade, Kieran didn’t say a word. His mother didn’t way a word either. He hoped that she wasn’t mad at him. At the time he felt he needed to go to the fade, he needed to meet his grandmother. The compulsion to follow her and leave with her, stay with her was so strong. And Flemeth...she was so nice to him. He didn’t know why mother was so upset with her.
But now...he was so confused. He shouldn’t have ran off. That need to follow was gone. Mother didn’t say much; he knew not to run off with strangers, but he did anyway. Maybe he was stupid.
Then grandmother, she took away what made him special. Would mother still love him? He really hoped so.
They stepped out of the eluvian, and the world looked different. The colors were...different. The energies more subtle. The inquisitor in front of him, he felt like he couldn’t see her. He saw her white hair, her light marks on her face. But he no longer saw her blood, who she was, what made her special.
And something was gone. He didn’t know how to describe what he didn’t know was there, but it was gone. It was like a hole was in his chest. He felt so alone.
He reached into his pocket, and was surprised when he felt the token in his pocket. He had forgotten all about it. He pulled it out and looked at it. The token looked the same. He was happy it did. It was really smooth. He rubbed it. Maybe it would help him feel better.
“Are you all right Kieran?” Mother said to him. He looked to her. He was used to looking at her familiar blood, her familiar energy. He couldn’t see that anymore. He knew her face, but he would have to start recognizing her by it. Her...face looked sad, or concerned? He didn’t think she looked mad, but he couldn’t tell for sure. “You are not hurt?”
“I feel lonely.”
She crouched down so they were eye to eye. Her eyes were a different shade. No, not shade. He really didn’t know. But the yellow was radiant. “Kieran, you will never be alone.”
“Are you upset that I don’t have what makes me special?”
Her eyes widened. She didn’t say anything. Instead she brought him closer and wrapped her arms around his body. He didn’t feel the energy moving, but for the first time, he felt her warmth.
He liked it.
She came close to his ear, and he felt her breath. She whispered, “Kieran. You are my boy. I would never be upset because of that.” She released him (the warmth went away), and looked at him directly in the eye, “Nothing you say or do would ever stop me from loving you.”
Kieran smiled, and she smiled back at him. She looked down and saw him rubbing the token Alistair gave him. She paused for a moment, then reached for his hand. She took the token, put it in his palm and closed his fingers around it. Looking at him again, she said, “take this and wait outside for me. I need to have a word with the inquisitor. Don’t go far, I’ll be right there.”
He nodded and walked towards the door. Once outside he looked at the world. The world was bright, and the colors looked so different. He wanted to go look at them. He would wait for mother though.
He sat down and opened up his hand. He felt like this token was the only thing that looked the same. And he supposed it must have worked. He didn’t feel worried anymore. A little lonely, but he always had his mother. Maybe he was wrong; maybe there was such a thing as good luck.