Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

June, 2019

“What are we doing here, Ben?” Anthony asked dryly as they picked their way through the lot outside the startlingly rusted, warehouse, looking warily at it. “I’m going to need a tetanus booster when we leave.”

Benedict rolled his eyes, walking backwards, shaking a Hermès scarf at him. “Daph needs this, I told you.”

Anthony raised a skeptical eyebrow at his brother, “Daph needs that specific scarf? When we both know damn well she always has three in her bag?”

Benedict grinned, shrugging, “she said she did.” He seemed to think it best to ignore Anthony’s grumble, turning towards the security guard with a bright smile.

“Sorry boys, closed set today.”

“Our sister, Daphne Bridgerton asked us to come, said we were on the list? Anthony and Benedict.”

The security guard repeated the names through his radio, before grunting as he slid the heavy door open.

Anthony could see Daphne already, perched on the edge of a rusted car, more piled up behind her, posed as the camera flashed.

“Looks good! I think we’ve got it!” A rich, female voice called from behind the camera just as Daphne caught sight of them, waving them over.

“Daph, I’ve brought your scarf.” Benedict said, tossing it to her.

Daphne’s face slipped for just a moment, just long enough to confirm what Anthony had known all along: Daphne did not need another fucking scarf. “Oh! Oh right! Yeah, thanks for that.”

“Are you going to tell me why I’m really here?” Anthony said, looking around a little dryly, anxious to get whatever the hell this was over with.

“I needed my scarf.” She said quickly, her eyes over Anthony’s shoulder.

“And you couldn’t ask Simon to bring it? Had to be me and Ben.”

Daphne, again, seemed to think it was best to ignore him. Calling out “Kate! Come over here!” 

Anthony turned to see whoever he’d called to, and for a split second he wished he hadn’t, because it felt like the world had fallen out from under him. 

Kate was leaning forward, her hands on a desk where a monitor was perched, already running through the proofs, her long dark hair like a waterfall over her shoulder as she turned back towards Daphne, her dark eyes behind wire rimmed glasses flicking over him curiously, set above the most startlingly beautiful face he’d ever seen. 

“Kate’s why you’re here.” Daphne said primly as Kate straightened, her long legs carrying her confidently across the warehouse, eyes raking over him. “Just say thank you Daphne.”

Kate had stopped a few feet in front of him, her eyes still locked on Anthony, her full lips ticking upwards in a smirk, growing when Daphne cleared her throat.

“Kate, this is my brother Anthony. He just dropped by to bring me my scarf, isn’t that sweet? Anthony, this is Kate Sharma.”

Kate’s eyebrow quirked, holding her hand out for him to take. “What do you do Anthony? Besides courier scarves across London.”

Anthony forced his hand to swing wildly forward from his body, though her eyes had pinned him in place, clearing his throat trying to ignore the feeling of her hand in his. “I’m a solicitor, but if you ever need anything: Scarf, Chinese food, someone to make you scream at 3am, I’d be more than happy to assist.”

Daphne let out a choked noise beside him, Ben a guffaw, but Kate’s hand didn’t shift in his, her eyebrow raised only slightly as she chuckled. “Am I screaming because you’re on your knees for me, or frustration because you’re a cocky little boy who can’t follow through on his promises?”

Something burned in Anthony’s chest, his hand tightening in hers. “Something tells me it’d be a fucking gift to get on my knees for you.”

Her chuckle tugged at something deep in his stomach, her eyes flashing brightly, “Ooo we are a cocky little boy. Too bad they cause the most trouble.”

“What if I promise not to cause you any trouble?” He couldn’t help himself. Something deep in his chest was forcing him forward, towards her, thriving at the challenge, tension rippling and rolling around them, their eyes locked together, her hand in his.

“Do you think he’s remembered we’re here?” Ben muttered beside him a little curiously.

Daphne hummed, “It’s hard to tell, but I’m deeply uncomfortable.”

Ben cleared his throat, nudging Anthony out of the way, and the tension was gone as Kate’s eyes slid from his, her hand snatched back. “Hi, Kate. Sorry to interrupt what looked like a fantastic eye fuck, but I’m Ben.”

Kate’s eyes flicked back to Anthony’s for a millisecond, something almost embarrassed crossing her face before they slid back to Ben, smirking. “Well, I’m not sure about fantastic. He’ll have to put in a little more effort than that.”

Anthony felt his face twitch, his mouth falling open to respond as Ben guffawed again, but Daphne beat them both to the punch. “Well, I’ll see you both later.”

Anthony wheeled around, looking at his sister in surprise at the dismissal. “But I-”

“Pop along-Anthony? Was it?” Kate was smirking at him again, her lower lip caught between her teeth, arms crossed over her chest, the toned midriff she had on display making his mouth water a little.

Benedict lets out a sigh, grabbing Anthony by the back of the sweater with a chuckled Down Boy dragging him backwards from the warehouse, Daphne’s sigh just reaching him.

“Sorry about him, he can be a little… Intense.”

And Kate’s eyes were still burning at him when she said, “I don’t mind me something a little intense.”

And two hours later when he stared down at his phone, the message from the unknown number blinking back at him

Still want to make me scream at 3am? Fair warning, you have to buy me dinner first though.

Anthony nearly fell over himself to respond

I’ll pick you up at 7. Knee pads in jacket pocket.

Before he left a message for his sister that only said-

“Thank you, Daphne.”

February, 2022

Kate groaned as she sat up in bed, Newton shifting beside her, her mind slow as she came back to herself, the ringing from her bedside table not quite making sense. She glanced quickly at the clock, chest still aching from the dream she’d been having, infrequent now, but still just as painful. A dream with dark hair slipping past her fingertips, and lips on hers while stubble scraped against her cheek, fingers intertwined with hers, a voice in her ear I’m gonna love you forever Kate Sharma. They’ll have to take me away in a coffin.

Two in the morning. An Unknown number calling. Panic settled in her chest, fumbling for her phone, breathless as she answered.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this a Kate Sharma?” It was a soothing, female voice, perfectly calm, and still panic gripped her. The last time she’d heard a voice like that was-

“This is she.” It was playing out again. Again and again. History doomed to repeat over and over.

“Miss Sharma, I’m Jennifer, I’m one of the team at St. Thomas’ Hospital.” The voice was drowning, fading, panic clawing at Kate’s chest, terrified to hear what came next. “I’m afraid I’m calling because Anthony Bridgerton was brought in some time ago.”

Kate’s heart stopped. 

No. It hadn’t stopped. Someone had reached into her chest and tugged it out, leaving her bleeding all over the bedsheets. Just as she had been that night when he couldn’t even look at her when he’d said it. Please don’t beg me Kate. I’m serious. This is done.

The woman, Jennifer, was still talking, Kate realised, and she couldn’t- “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

“Anthony Bridgerton had you listed as his next of kin. I’m afraid he’s been in a rather serious car accident, he’s in surgery.”

Kate couldn’t breathe, the entire room was spinning, the only thing keeping her eyes from rolling back in her head was Newton’s nose pressed tight against her neck. 

She remembered when they’d set their next of kin, her nose bumping his as they lay in the bed that was now officially theirs his lips light on hers when he’d said,

“I’m gonna marry you some day. But until then, you’re my wife in everything but name.”

And at the time she’d loved him so much it had hurt. And the problem was, she still did, it just hurt even more now.

“I’m not- um-”Her breath was coming in sharp gasps, her shoulders heaving, the entire room spinning. “His-His Mum-um You should call his Mum.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone for a long moment before Jennifer said very quietly, “I understand this is very difficult, do you have a number for his mother.”

And as much as she’d tried not to think about the other Bridgertons, even while Daphne had sat on her sofa just weeks ago, the thought of Violet, who’d been nothing but so kind to her, being woken with the same news, in the same way, churned her stomach. Her spine straightening, breath coming easier than it had in nearly a year.

“I’m on my way. I’ll contact his mother myself.”

But even so, when she sat in the back of the taxi, staring down at the shirt of his she still wore so shamefully, when her body ached and all she wanted was to feel him one more time, she could barely hold back the tears when the phone connected.

“Violet, it’s Kate. Anthony’s- Anthony’s Kate. Violet I’m so sorry.” 

______________________________________________

The first thing Anthony noticed when he woke was the beeping. Rhythmic and steady. Like it was timing something, tracking something. There was noise, lots of it, in the background. People shuffling around, names being called, a million in distinct noises overlapping. There was a weight on the bed beside him, just like there always was, breaths steady beside him.

His head was pounding as he opened his eyes, staring up at the bright light, confusion swirling all around him as his eyes flicked around, panic rising in his chest, desperate to get away, to get out of this place, no memory of how he got here.

“Anthony, calm down.” She’d lifted her head, and immediately he felt himself relax and the rich sound of Kate’s voice. The soft velvet of it wrapping him in a warm embrace, his eyes searching for hers.

“Kate.” He nearly sighed in relief. If Kate was here everything must be okay. Even if there was something tugging in the back of his mind, telling him things didn’t feel right.

She’d stood now, her arms crossed over her chest as she pressed the call button on the wall, shifting awkwardly, her eyes no longer holding his, the oddest expression.

“Babe was I in an accident?”

She flinched back from him, her shoulders shifting her voice suddenly small. “Anthony, please don’t call me that.”

Nothing fit, nothing felt right, and he didn’t know why. He couldn’t- she was his girlfriend, there was a ring in his sock drawer at home, in the house they shared.

“You were in an accident last night. They called me because I’m your emergency contact.” She still couldn’t even look at him.

He reached out for her, his hand closing around her wrist, “Well, yeah, we talked about that right? I’m yours, you’re mine.”

He’d said it so many times, I’m so many different settings, and it had brought tears to her eyes before but not like this.

“Well, I changed mine.”

His brow furrowed, his hand tugging her forwards. And in his current state he couldn’t think to hide it. “But we’re… we’re gonna get married, why would you-?”

“Anthony, please. This is hard enough.” Her voice was a desperate plea, cracking at the end. “I called your Mum, she’s on her way.”

But he couldn’t focus on that, only on her dismissal, “I don’t under- I have a ring.did you say no?”

Kate froze, a desperate look in her eyes, “Anthony, I- we aren’t together anymore, and we both need to start accepting that.”

Panic was rising in his chest, he couldn’t- and his head was pounding, it was spinning his stomach churning.

“Kate, please, I don’t under- please, I can’t, how long-? I- I love you.” His hands were gripping at her arms now, dragging her back towards him.

“Anthony, please it’s been a year- Can we get a doctor in here please?!”

And everything went black

______________________________________________

He looked smaller than Kate remembered. Thinner, more tired, his skin paler under the fluorescent glow of the overhead lights than she’d ever seen it. But maybe it wasn’t that at all. Maybe she just wanted to know that he’d been irrevocably marked by their relationship the same way she had. Maimed with a wound that would never truly heal. Even if he didn’t remember.

And truly, that was the worst part.

Kate had imagined, again and again in the year since he’d stood at their door, the one she’d painted with her own hands, a mural of lilies colouring the black, and watched her leave while the rain poured around them, what it would be like to see him again. How it would feel. And the awful truth was, when he’d opened his eyes and his entire body had relaxed when he’d said her name, she’d wanted to drop to her knees and beg him to still love her. Only apparently he still did. Apparently he’d forgotten he had stopped. 

“No one would judge you, Kate, if you left. Least of all me.” Violet’s voice was soft from beside her, her hand holding her sons.

Violet had swept into the room just seconds after Anthony’s eyes had rolled back in his head, doctors scurrying around, trying to extricate Kate’s shirt from Anthony’s surprisingly strong grip.

“Kate?” Her voice had been confused, even as she’d wrapped her arms tightly around her. “Kate, sweetheart I’m so sorry, I got here as fast as I could from the airport. Of all times for him to have an accident I- Well I suppose it doesn’t matter. What happened?”

“He-He woke up. He thought we were still-That I- He thought we were getting married.” Kate had barely been able to hear her own voice, her head still spinning, stomach churning, but she’d seen Violet’s stricken face.

“He what?” She’d turned on the doctor, her voice incredulous “He’s missing a year of his life. How can that be?!”

Kate had barely heard, barely taken it in as the doctor has sat them both down, Violet’s hands clutching hers for support while the doctor tried his best to explain. Anthony had nine fractured ribs. A plate in his left leg, holding the bone together. A brain bleed they hoped would resolve itself. Amnesia. 

The doctor, whose name Kate hadn’t listened to through the blurry noise, through the jumble of words an emotions that had come bursting out of her the moment he’d said-

“I think it would be best, for now, if we didn’t startle him too much. It’s a year later than he thought, we saw what happened when he woke, for now I think that’s enough information.”

Kate had flinched visibly back. “We aren’t- he doesn’t- no.”

Violet herself had looked startled. “Surely you aren’t suggesting that.”

“Mrs Bridgerton, I’m not suggesting anything.” Dr Williams. That was his name, Dr Williams. Kate could remember now. “I’m merely stating that your son needs to remain as calm as possible in the next months, and he can’t be alone. His memory may come back, it may not. How you plan to handle that is not my concern.”

Kate’s chest had ached. Ached. When at that very moment, Anthony had stirred on the bed behind them.

“Katie?” He’d sounded so small, so young, his voice thick and confused, just as it always had been when he’d woken in the morning.

Violet had whirled around, her hand reaching for his bandaged head, her voice soothing while Kate had stayed frozen. “Lay still, darling, you need to lay still, everything’s fine.”

“No, no. Kate was here, I saw her!” His voice was rising again, the panic in it clawing at her. “Katie! Kate! Mum, Where’s Kate?! She was right-”

“I’m here, Anthony.” She hadn’t even realised she’d risen from the seat. Let alone made her way over to him, her heart shredding itself every second that passed, as she took his hand, pressing it against her cheek.

Anthony had relaxed instantly, a soft smile on his face. “There’s my girl.”

It tore at her, the way he was looking at her. The way he always had. And she’d known in that second, though it was pathetic and tiny, and self destructive, she could never leave him. Though every second of this would stab at her, shredding what little of her remained until there was nothing left for him to destroy: He would have to kill her all over again. 

“I need you to lay back and go to sleep, Anthony. Just rest, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

And the way Violet had looked at her, even then, had broken her heart.

“I can’t leave him, Violet. That’s the fucking problem. Even when he left me, and he’ll remember one day very soon that he did, and I’ll have to do it all over again. I can’t leave him.” It hurt her to say it now, as the sun sunk lower in the sky by the second, afternoon creeping into early evening, tears stinging at her eyes with the bitter truth of what she’d always known.

Violet looked at her so sadly. Tears streaking down her own face as she looked at what a pathetic scene she must be, clinging to the man who didn’t want her anymore, and could remember that any second. “Kate, I know how difficult this must be, how difficult it must have been since you split up but-”

“This isn’t difficult, Violet. It’s not. The man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, turned to me one day, after we’d made dinner together, and told me we were over, that he didn’t love me anymore. No warning, nothing. He was just done. And now, they want me to pretend it never happened, and I still can’t fucking leave him, because I still love him. Difficult is vector calculus, or conjugating verbs. This isn’t difficult. This is impossible.”

And Violet said nothing. Because what was there to say?

Chapter Text

June, 2019

“So um, that was really fun.” Anthony’s voice was still breathless as he lay against his pillows, sweat cooling on his body, the warm weight of the woman on his chest still tugging at his stomach. 

Kate’s breathless laugh, tingled along his spine, her inky curls bouncing as she lifted her head, even in their current disarray, tickling at his chest, her lips meeting his word for word. “Mmmm. Really. Fun.”

Her tongue slipped over his for a long moment, a groan rising in his chest as her fingernails scratched against his scalp, his dick twitching helplessly.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Kate laughed, pulling back, her eyes shining at him, even as her hips started grinding against his thigh gently. “Did you take something before you picked me up tonight?!”

It was the fourth time they’d done this, the fourth time in two weeks. Gone to dinner then gone back to his apartment and fallen apart together, losing themselves in the heady crush of bodies and hands and lips nipping at skin, and honestly, these days Anthony couldn’t think about anything else. 

He sat in his office all day with his fingers drumming on his desk, his pen bouncing off the screen of his tablet, staring at his phone, waiting for her name to flash on the screen. He could still taste her skin for days after he’d seen her, still smell her on his fucking clothes, that clean floral smell that seemed to seep out of her pores and made him want to never wash his bedsheets again when she’d been in them, never wash himself. 

He didn’t even feel bad about leaving the collar of his shirt unbuttoned at work, a little indecently low, so everyone could see the bruises on his skin left by her teeth when she’d writhed underneath him and screamed his name into his skin. 

The first night he wasn’t sure what to expect, dinner and a quick fuck in the back of his car probably, but by the time they’d left the restaurant, her laughter ringing in his ear as she wrapped her arms around his waist to steady herself, something had settled in his chest, warm and a little terrifying in a way nothing had been for years. A smile stuck on his face as she told a story about her sister, who she loved desperately he could tell, and a boy named Ryan getting caught by their mother when they were teenagers. 

“Is you sister still with Ryan? You like him?” He was desperately curious to know everything about her. No idea why.

Kate’s eyes narrowed a little her head tilted as she pulled back from him, arms crossed over her chest, her voice nearly a challenge. “No. And Ryan was a girl actually.”

Anthony hadn’t even paused, waving to the driver who’d pulled to the curb behind her. “Oh, right, shit I shouldn’t have assumed, you just don’t hear many female Ryan’s.”

Her eyes had flickered over his face for a long moment, and she’d looked so beautiful, in the ambient street lights. The black and white of her dress landing mid thigh, her long legs stretching endlessly, her hair fluttering around her in the summer breeze, her finger’s drumming on her arm. “You actually mean that don’t you?”

He’d been a little perplexed, “That I… don’t have a problem with your sister being queer? I’d have to be a bit more of an arsehole than I am, I think. That’s truly gutter behaviour.”

A look had crossed her face that had told him, perhaps her challenge hadn’t been unplanned before she’d cleared her throat. “So, your place or mine?”

Her eyebrows had been raised, waiting for him to respond, stepping back towards the car, and all he’d been able to do was stare. “Kate, I’m not expecting sex because I bought you dinner, you get that right?”

Her head had tilted to the side, leaning against the car, her hand reaching out to tug him against her.

“Like sure, I came on really strong but if you’re not feeling this, that’s cool. I do just wanna say I had a great time though, and I’d love to see you again.”

Her chuckle had rumbled through his own chest as well. “Anthony, I’m a big girl, I can decide I want you to fuck me all on my own. You’re smart, and kind of weirdly charming in a slightly arseholish way that I’m really fucking into, and you’re hot as fuck so just take me home.” 

And really. He wasn’t a complete idiot after all.

Anthony groaned, tugging her lips back to his, swallowing her gasp as her rolled her swiftly, her legs falling open for him, her hands tugging him more firmly into the cradle of her hips, his pulse already pounding in his ears. “No. I can assure you, babe, I don’t need any help where you’re concerned.”

She’d hummed, her tongue tracing the marks her teeth had left on his chest earlier. “Catch me I’m swooning.”

“I’ve thought about you all week.” He couldn’t help himself from saying it, the speech he’d practiced in the mirror a million times before he’d left falling from his lips completely bungled as his eyes found hers. “I actually- I wanted to talk to you tonight Kate.”

She froze under him, her hands tightening on his arms, her face quickly schooled into something neutral. “Shoot.”

“I’m not a good boyfriend. I probably wouldn’t be for you. I don’t know how to be honest about how I feel and I say the wrong thing most of the time.” 

Kate let out a sort of huff, her eyes rolling back for a moment. “Right, sorry, can you get off me?”

Anthony rolled to the side to let her out up properly, but his hand tilted her chin to keep his gaze. “Kate I really like you and I’m just trying to be upfront but I’m fucking selfish enough that I don’t want to see other people. I want- I want to be your boyfriend”

Kate froze again, her mouth falling open their eyes caught together for a long moment and then she did the very last thing he expected: She laughed. A beautiful, delighted sound, leaning forward and brushing her lips against his, pushing him back against him mattress, knees landing on either side of him. “Your sales pitch could do with a bit of work.”

He didn’t even care. There was nothing but his heart pounding in his chest, the feel of her under his fingertips, warm and smooth and safe. “That a yes?”

Her smile was the most beautiful thing he’d seen. Now or ever. “That’s a fuck yes.”

Anthony had bit back a delighted whoop, rolling her under him, a lazy grin on his face as he hummed “Good. Now quiet please, Kate, I need to eat my girlfriend out.”

And the gasps and moans she made in the moments after would sit with him forever. He was sure of it.

______________________________________________

February, 2022

Kate had been staring at the front door of the house where she used to live for a very long time. They were mocking her, the lilies she’d painted on this door, she was sure of it. Their very presence fucking tearing her heart into tiny pieces. Well. Whatever was left of it now. 

Anthony’s keys were biting into her hand, the sharp edges of the keyring that had once matched hers marking the skin, her name etched onto a tiny silver puzzle piece. His name had been on the corresponding piece, hanging from her own keys the day after she’d moved in, her smile bright when she’d slid it across the bench, even though she’d rolled her eyes.

“Because this… I don’t know, it feels like the perfect fit.”

Anthony had stared at her for a long moment, his hand resting gently on the puzzle before he’d grinned, hauling her onto the kitchen counter. “I’ll fucking show you a perfect fit, Kate.”

She’d thrown her own keyring in the Thames that night. The night when he’d made her the person she was now. Cold, unfeeling. The person most people thought she’d been all along. 

And these fucking lilies were still on his door. As if she really could just walk through the door and return to the life they’d had together. 

She’d gone to the hospital every day since his accident. Even when Edwina had looked at her with more pity than she’d ever seen on another person’s face as she’d tried to explain, Mary’s own face not far off. 

“Kate, are you still in love with him?”

“No.” She’d jutted out her chin, and squared her shoulders and Edwina had seen right through her, even Josie had, her fingers intertwined with Edwina’s.

Edwina had sighed, her head falling to her free hand. “Katie this is so fucking self destructive.”

It had stung at her, the truth in her sister’s words, even as Mary had wrapped her arms so tightly around her, and tears had stung at her eyes. “Well, what am I supposed to do, Eddie? He’s hurt and he needs me and I don’t know what else to do.”

“Is Violet making you do this?” Mary’s voice had been sharp in her ear, even as she’d rocked her soothingly. And Kate could still remember the way Mary had spat through the phone in that first day in the after. Even though she’d been staring unblinkingly at the wall, Newton on her lap, Kate had heard every word. Of course she’s with me! I’m her mother!…Violet, don’t you fucking dare ask me if she’s alright… If Anthony comes here, I’ll be calling the police to have him removed. And I’ll get a restraining order.

“No. Violet told me to go, that I didn’t- but the way he looked at me. He was so scared, and I couldn’t leave him like that.” Shameful tears had run down her cheeks, and her fingernails had dug into the palm of her hands when Edwina had sighed. “He doesn’t fucking deserve you.”

But How could she blame Anthony? Truly? Hadn’t she known the first time she met him what he would be like? Cocky and arrogant and all the things that drew her to a person, a million red flags rolled into one. And she’d ignored every one of them, because of the way he looked at her. Because when Anthony smiled at her, truly smiled, when his eyes lit up like a delighted little boys and he pressed his lips to hers she forget what a broken fucking mess of a person she really was. 

She’d been so desperate for his love, that she’d taken and taken until he had nothing left to give her. And hadn’t he warned her himself? Hadn’t he said he wasn’t a good boyfriend? But after two years together she’d thought that was in the past.

Kate sighed, nudging her suitcase forward with the toe of her sneakers, Newton’s leash wrapped tightly in her right hand, pretending her left wasn’t shaking as she reached for the doorknob. The weight of Anthony’s keys felt strange in her hand, off balance. Just as she felt when she sat on the edge of his bed, a pack of playing cards between them and his eyes shining, while she shredded herself into a million tiny little pieces all over again. 

“You’re so fucking pretty.” He’d said just last night, his hand catching hers, burning it as she’d turned to leave. She’d pulled it back in surprise, her body reacting painfully, like an animal. Once bitten, twice shy. Maimed. 

Kate had ignored the hurt look that had crossed his face, flexing her fingers to stop them returning to the touch she’d ached for for the last ten months, clearing her throat. “And you have a head injury.”

Anthony had rolled his eyes, “Nope. That’s not it. My wifey’s the best.”

He’d called her that jokingly for months before they’d separated and she’d loved it at the time, seen to as a symbol that he wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. That they belonged together. Now it seemed like a cruel slap across the face. Her entire life seemed to be made of a thousand casual cruelties sewn together into a tapestry. And the worst part was: This Anthony hadn’t broken her heart. This was the Anthony who had kept tampons in his car for her and had held her during storms while she'd tried to fight him off her; This was the Anthony who had always bought her more hair ties and bobby pins before she even noticed they were missing. This was the Anthony that had loved her, even though he’d refused to name it for what it was at the end. So she had choked out the same response she’d always given him when he said that-

“And my boyfie’s a cutie.”

Gone back to her own flat, picked up the dog they’d bought together, and moved back into his home. Another make believe.

She slowly nudged the door open, her heart pounding in her chest. Terrified of what she’d see when she did, and for a moment, she froze, because everything looked almost exactly as it had on the night she’d left. On the night when Anthony had sighed, Katie, please you can go in the morning, you don’t have to go right now. And she’d whirled around, her fists landing squarely on his chest I’m not spending another fucking second with you. I knew you would do this! I fucking knew it, Anthony! And it had felt like she was bleeding all over the entrance hall when she’d thrown open the door for the waiting taxi, snatching Newton’s leash out of his hands and turned her back on him forever. Or so she’d thought.

But it wasn’t the same. 

The sofa was exactly the same, the curtains, the dining room table, that cuckoo clock his aunt had bought him as a cruel joke still hung in the wall. But there was an air of… neglect about everything. Not that it wasn’t meticulously tidy, it always had been, but it was just- As though now, no-one lived here at all.

Like when a person died, and you couldn’t bring yourself to touch their things so you closed the door and never went in again. The way you tread carefully across the carpet, afraid you dislodge their footprints on it, or you tucked their sweater into a plastic bag, terrified it wouldn’t be theirs if you touched it. The way her life was now. The way it had been in the before, and now the after. Anthony Bridgerton. The seismic flashpoint of her life. 

Kate made her way slowly upstairs, into the bedroom, and her stomach churned. The sheets were exactly the same as the day she’d left. Exactly the same as they had been the night before, when they’d come home from her birthday party and he’d seemed a little distant but they’d fallen apart together anyway, his hands clutching at hers tightly, forehead pressed against hers just as it always was when he needed to feel. Another red flag ignored.

Kate turned away, towards the cupboard, sighing as she swung the door open and she stopped again, her brow furrowing. 

It was almost exactly as it had been when she’d lived here. Anthony’s clothes still occupying the exact same space. The left hand side empty, his voice ringing in her ears, you’re a lefty I’m a righty, this way our elbows won’t bump when we pick out clothes.

And for a moment she wanted to scream. To march to the hospital and demand to know why he’d done this. Why he’d ruined her when she’d been so ruined already. But she couldn’t. Because this Anthony wouldn’t have the answers anyway. 

So instead, she fell back into her old life.

Chapter Text

August, 2019

“Okay, okay!” Anthony’s voice echoed through her chest as they lay together on his sofa, his arm around her shoulders, her fingers intertwined with his. Happy, content, and perfect. “So you’re telling me, that your dream. The only thing that you want, in this entire world, your greatest dream for the future… is to own a corgi?”

Kate felt the laughter in her chest, echoed in his own, her lips brushing against his in the kind of kiss that wasn’t supposed to go anywhere. Lazy and slow, like the way honey slid from a spoon, her tongue sliding against his, his heart beating against hers, his lips chasing hers as she pulled back. “Yeah, I like the way their bums wobble. And their legs are so little, it’s adorable.”

Anthony growled playfully in her ear, snapping his teeth together. “So, you don’t want to shoot a vanity fair cover, or get married, or have kids: you just want to get a dog?”

This was a new game they’d started playing, while they fell into the pattern of spending all their time together, bunkering down for entire weekends, her body covered in his clothes, in his kisses, hearts beating together. His voice soft while their fingers linked together, legs tangled, and recently it had been getting harder and harder to choke down the feelings that rose in her chest. To fight the fact that this thing growing between them felt like so much more than fondness. 

“Well, yeah, I want all of those things.” Kate rolled her eyes, her lips nipping at his chin. “I’m pretty young still, but… my career is taking off working with Daphne. But sure, I wanna fall in love and get married, and have kids, that sounds great.” Something swirled in her stomach. Want to fall in love, as though she hadn’t already. “And I’ll do it… with a precious little loaf dog.”

Anthony rolled his eyes, “So what’s holding you back from this completely unattainable dream? It’s not as if you could just call up a breeder, get yourself on a list and go out and pick up a puppy. Couldn’t possibly be that easy.”

It was sweet, the way he poked at her ribs, teasing her lightly, sending her heart fluttering. Even though he'd warned her, told her, that he wouldn’t be a good boyfriend: She hadn’t seen any evidence of that. Of the imaginary, cold, callous person he had told her he was. This was the man who had sat in her mother’s kitchen just a few weeks ago grinning delightedly while he listened to a story about her sister’s disastrous tinder hook up with a woman who had no less than 47 different parrots, eating his pancakes with one hand while his other was intertwined with hers, resting on the table.

The man who’d been so kind when he’d looked at the fridge leaning awkwardly to one side, let out a huff as he bent and quickly adjusted the legs, clapping his hands as he stood, “All done!”

The man that had had Mary chattering away on the phone. “Katie, Anthony’s very sweet! The way he smiled at you made my knees weak!”

Which was a fairly big achievement given the way Mary’s eyes had narrowed sharply when she’d gone to brunch that first day after she’d met him. 

Kate hadn’t been able to keep the smile off her face, staring down at her phone when she thought about the way his lips had met hers when he'd pressed her against his front door, his hands on her legs tugging then up around his waist while she'd groaned No, Anthony, I have to go. And he’d shaken his head, his voice growling in her ear I can’t wait to see you again.

“Kate, something you’d like to share with us?” Mary had asked with her eyebrows raised. 

Edwina had tutted, “Katie met a boy. They went out last night, it went well given the fact she got home a few hours ago.”

Kate had felt heat rushing into her cheeks, nudging her sister, “Shut Up! And he’s not a boy! He’s a grown man!”

Mary had hummed sharply. “How grown?”

“He’s- He’s only 30.”

“Ooo Sugar Daddy.” Edwina hummed unhelpfully. 

“He’s five years older than me.” Kate had rolled her eyes, though something had welled in her chest, “I- he’s nice, I like him. I really like him, um- his sister is one of the models I work with and I like him. He said maybe he'd text me later, We might hang out again.”

Mary had stared right through her for a long moment, fingers drumming on the table before she’d nodded. “We’ll see if he’s the one for you.”

And even so soon, it was starting to seem like the signs were all pointing to yes.

Kate shrugged, “I don’t know, it just never seemed like the right time. I’ve been working on my… art, and I live in a tiny flat and… it just doesn’t it’s just not right, right now.”

Silence swelled between them as Anthony nodded his chin nudging her cheek. “So, you said you want to fall in love: Have you ever been in love before?”

The question made her freeze for half a second, her mind racing while her eyes searched his, desperately trying to search for the answer he wanted to hear, whether the question was leading anywhere, or if it was just a question like all the others.

“I don’t… I don’t think I have.” It sounded so sad when she said it, her fingers twisting in his shirt. “I just… I don’t know. It never feels right. And maybe- maybe some people just don’t meet someone.”

Anthony sat up, tugging her with him to rest on her lap, his eyes serious. “Do you really think that? You think you’re never going to meet anyone?”

She could barely look at him, the words pushing at the back of her throat fighting their way through until they burst out of her uncontrollably. “I used to think that, but I think I’m falling in love with you.” 

Anthony’s mouth fell open, his eyes wide, panicked she realised. “You’re falling in love with me? You think?”

Kate could feel tears pricking at her eyes, something desperate and terrified wanting to snatch it back from the air, swallow it down, repress it like she had every other feeling since the day she’d stood in front of her father’s coffin while the rain poured around her and she’d fought against Mary trying to tug her under the umbrella until the white of her dress had been plastered against her skin and she’d wanted to drown in the water that pooled at her feet. But she couldn’t.

“Yeah. I- I think I love you.”

It hung in the air between them, almost a tangible thing, nearly shameful as Anthony slowly nodded, mulling over it, tasting it on his tongue before he sighed, running his hand down his face. “Well, that kind of sucks. I-”

Kate reeled backwards, standing from his sofa, suddenly desperate to get away from him, while her heart shattered in her chest, pushing her hair back from her face. “Um-fuck-This is really awkward, I’m just gonna go-fucking drown myself actually um-”

Anthony’s hand grabbed her arm roughly, his other tilting her chin up so she was forced to look him in the eyes,. “Kate, I love you too. I was just trying to be cute about it. Like, really sucks because I know I love you.”

Kate’s mouth fell open, something hopefully and tiny welling in her chest, “You love me too?”

Anthony nodded, his nose brushing against hers. “Yeah.”

Kate’s breath left her in a shuddering breath, collapsing against his chest, her arms wrapping tightly around him. “Don’t be cute about it next time. You stupid dork.”

Anthony hummed, stooping quickly, tossing her over his shoulder. “I’m always fucking cute, and you know it, babe.”He marched her up the stairs, forcing the door open with a kick, tossing her on the mattress. “Right, now, I’ve never had We’re crazy fucking cute and in love sex and I kind of want to see what it's like. Thoughts?”

“Get on your fucking knees Anthony.”

March, 2022

This had definitely been the strangest two weeks of Anthony’s life. His head was pounding with every heartbeat, the light stinging his eyes, his entire body aching. Just like it had that night as well. When he’d been eighteen and he’d sat, hanging upside down in a car, his legs trapped while he’d held his father’s hand and watched his eyes close forever while his voice had ached in his chest Dad, please, please don’t go, just wait a little while longer, someone’s coming. They’re coming, Dad, please. Mum still needs you: I still need you. Please come back. Dad! JUST OPEN YOUR EYES! DAD! But he hadn’t. And Anthony had. Twice apparently.

Panic had filled his chest when he’d opened his eyes for the second time and his mother had filled his vision, climbing higher and higher until his eyes had fallen on her on Kate. Her touch soothing his fear, his heart rate slowing on the monitor as she pressed his palm against her cheek, sighing as she pressed a kiss there. She’d soothed him back to sleep again, her gentle voice humming softly, the song she’d always claimed was a lullaby, the one that had sung him to sleep nearly every night of their relationship. Even when he’d laughed at her.

“Watermelon Sugar is not a lullaby.”

Kate had always hummed, “Not with that attitude. Plus I like it, reminds me of you.”

He’d laughed incredulously, “I’m… like 97% sure that song’s about eating pussy, babe.”

“Exactly.” She’d hummed, and apparently it had been set. Their song. 

And his eyes had drifted shut just as she’d hummed the chorus, her fingers brushing his hair back from his forehead.

Kate had still been there when she’d woken, her chin resting on the mattress of his uncomfortable hospital bed, her fingers playing with his, lower lip caught between her teeth, brow furrowed. 

“You look serious.” His voice had still been gruff, his throat scratching while his head had pounded.

Kate’s head had shot up at the sound of his voice, dropping his hand. “Your Mum will be back soon, she just went to check on Greg and Hy.”

Anthony had tried to smile, though it had come off as more of a grimace when a stab of pain shot through his ribs. “Ahh good, we can probably get a quickie in if you hurry.”

A choked noise burst free from her chest as she flinched backwards oddly, standing from her seat, her arms crossed over her chest. 

“Kate, is everything-?”

“Anthony, we… need to have a bit of a talk.” Her voice was so even, measured. Far too even.

The monitor beside him leapt, his heart rate spiking as panic rose in his chest. He forced his voice to stay light. “You’re not gonna break up with me, right wifey?”

Her entire body twitched at the nickname, the one he’d been using for months now. Ever since he’d bought her that necklace that had it written in gold for Valentine’s Day, the one she hadn’t taken off since. Until today apparently, because she wasn’t wearing it now.

Kate’s voice had been a hollow, tiny little thing, tears swimming in her eyes. “Nope. Not breaking up. I just- Anthony, what’s-?”

“Wait!” He’d remembered suddenly, as his mind had puzzled over her odd reactions, the distance she was keeping between them. “It’s your birthday today, we were supposed to be having a party at… Whistledown’s right?”

Kate’s face fell, though she tried to cover it quickly, clearing her throat, her left hand covering her mouth as she spoke. “We- we had my birthday party, Anthony. That was… that was nearly a year ago.”

His heart stopped, he would have been sure it had had it not been for that fucking beeping echoing through the room, racing, his head spinning, his stomach churning, panic swirling all around him.

“I don’t- Kate- I can’t- I can’t breathe!”

She’d swooped forward, her hand tilting his chin up to meet her eyes, her voice steady. “Hey, hey. Everything’s okay. You’re okay, deep breaths in and out.” She’d snatched his hand from his forehead where he’d been trying to press against the pounding, pressing it over her heartbeat, just as she always did. “Deep breaths, sync with mine, remember. Just like always.”

And slowly the room had stopped spinning, her soft smile returning. “We’ll figure this out okay?”

She’d barely left his side since.

And finally, it was time to go home.

“How’s Newton? I’ve kinda missed the little guy.” Anthony asked, as Kate pushed his wheelchair towards the exit, the steady click of the her heels against the linoleum. 

“In two weeks? You’ve missed him in two weeks?” Kate hummed skeptically, giving him this odd new look she had. One that reminded him a little of Mary actually, that astute look she always had. The one that she’d worn just weeks ago when Anthony had slid an engagement ring across the table to her, while he stuttered and stumbled over his words, trying desperately to tell her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Kate. Well, not weeks ago. A year ago, apparently. And Kate wasn’t wearing the ring. And he couldn’t even ask why.

“Yeah, love that little guy. And I just wanna get home to our bed, and the kitchen, we can make pasta together again, that was fun, when we did that last week.” His brow furrowed, “Sorry, probably wasn’t last week for you right? Or maybe we did make pasta last week. I don’t fucking know.”

Frustration flickered in his chest for the millionth time, his head pounding with that vague fuzzy feeling that swept over him when he tried to think about the time he was missing, an odd lonely ache rising in his chest, his stomach churning. 

“Sorry, I’m fucking useless.” He grunted as the sun warmed his skin for the first time in weeks, a orderly helping him from the chair a little stiffly.

“You’ll remember soon enough.” Kate said awkwardly, stepping towards a car he didn’t recognise. A dark blue Porsche SUV. 

“That’s not our car.” He said bluntly, his brow furrowed.

Kate swayed a little awkwardly, as the boot opened itself. “You got a new car, I guess.” She filled with the boot for a second, cursing under her breath before it started closing, his bags inside.

“Right. I guess, I could have- What happened to the range rover?”

Kate shrugged, opening the car door, her fingers clenching awkwardly for a second before she slid her arm around his waist, her keys jingling around her finger as she helped him inside. Oblivious to the way the feeling on incompetence swelled in his chest as she closed the door on him.

Anthony watched carefully as Kate made her way to the driver’s seat, mumbling something to herself as she swung open the door, her brow furrowed, her keys still- They were his keys, actually. He could see the keyring, see her name etched on the silver puzzle piece. Her keys had his names on it.

“You lose your keys?”

Kate fumbled with them for a second, pressing random buttons a little desperately. “Just lost the keyring. You gave me yours.” She sighed in frustration, trying to turn the key, muttering under her breath, “God, of course you have a fucking spaceship car!”

Anthony chuckled at the way she whistled in triumph when the engine purred to life. “Guess it’s a really new car.”

“Yep! Still getting used to things.”

And even though the pieces didn’t quite fit, nothing did these days, so he let it slide. And besides, Why would Kate lie?

April, 2021

Kate couldn’t breathe. 

Maybe she didn’t even want to anymore. She didn’t really know. Because if Anthony didn’t love her, if he never really had, maybe she didn’t know anything anymore. 

She hadn’t really moved. Not since she’d arrived at Mary’s last night, stumbling from the taxi as the rain poured around her, her fingertips numb on Newton’s leash as she’d pounded on the door. Mary’s face had looked horrified as Kate’s legs had given out, her arms darting out to catch her, 

“Katie, where’s Anthony? What happened? Is he-?”

“He doesn’t love me, Mum. He doesn’t want me.” Tears had blurred her vision as she’d been ushered inside, and her entire body had been numb as Mary had sat her on the edge of the bed that had once been hers. When Mary had desperately tried to get her to move, to say something, to do anything but stare at the wall while her body shivered in her wet clothes. 

“Katie, honey, you have to get out of these clothes, you’ll get sick.” And finally, Mary had sighed and slowly started peeling the clothes from her, replacing them with warm pyjamas, tucking the blankets around her. “We’ll talk in the morning, sweetheart.” 

Kate had lain awake all night, staring up at the ceiling while tears ran down her face, Mary’s hand linked with hers while she slept on the floor. And three days later she still couldn’t move. 

“Katie, please can you just eat something?” Edwina’s voice begged from beside her, tears in her eyes, aching in Kate’s chest. “You’re really scaring me.”

Tears stung at her eyes as Newton nosed at her face, a sad whine escaping him. 

“Kate, I really need you to just say something. Anything.” Mary whispered I. Her ear and finally something broke through.

“Do you think, things would be different I wasn’t so fucking broken?” Her voice cracked in her chest, crumbled like the rest of her from disuse. The thousand pieces of herself that she’d glued back together with Anthony’s help started falling one by one. “If I could sit through the rain without crying, or if I hadn’t shut down when Dad died, and I didn’t still fall apart every year, or if I was prettier or smarter or just… different that it would matter? That Anthony would love me?”

“No.” Mary’s voice was firm in her ear, her arms like a vice around her chest. “You aren’t broken. He is. And one day you’ll forget you felt this way, I promise.”

And even then, it hadn’t felt even a little bit true.

Chapter Text

January, 2020

Anthony Bee 🍉👅 : Hey, I’m getting fixing to make nachos you need anything else from Sainsbury’s babe?

Kate smiled down at the message that lit her phone, her thumbs tapping quickly over the screen, the tiny secret swelling in her chest.

Yeah I actually need some tampons, I’m due this week. That cool?

She hadn’t meant it as a test, not really, not a test of the question he’d asked her just last night, but she wasn’t surprised when he passed it anyway. 

Anthony Bee 🍉👅 : Course! I’ll get you some ice cream as well then. Love you! See you at home!

See you at home , Buzz.

“What are we smiling at today?” Mary hummed, kissing the top of her head as she walked past Kate, lounging on the sofa in the house where she’d grown up, smiling softly as she sat in the armchair beside her. 

Kate forced herself to shrug, anxiety bubbling in her stomach already, her fingers twisting in the fabric of the sofa, her legs slung over the arm. “I’m just… kinda happy at the moment?”

“I’ve noticed.” Mary’s eyes narrowed at her, her eyes sharp, the same astute gaze that had always given Kate the uncomfortable feeling she was being X-rayed.

Kate shrugged again, “I um- I just booked a campaign with McQueen. Kind of huge.”

Mary gasped a little excitedly, her smile warm and motherly “I’m proud of you.”

It settled in Kate’s chest, the pride of it, and for just a moment: it startled her. Ever since her father dropped dead in the kitchen, barely 10 feet from where she was sitting now, she’d found herself curling in on herself. Becoming smaller. Less of the person she should have been. More and More she’d felt like broken pieces ion a person, held together by her own arms wrapped tightly around her torso. Until she’d met Anthony. 

There’d been something in his smile, warmth, though she knew he trotted it out to charm women into bed. The way it reached his eyes when he looked at her, it wasn’t the smile of a thirty year old man: it was boyish and delighted and his laugh was like a warm breeze against her skin. Each knew tiny fact she learned about Anthony made her heart beat faster, made him even more beautiful. The way he loved his family, the way his eyes lit up when he saw Star Wars was playing on the TV, the way he’d pull her back against his chest when they lay together on his sofa and his voice would hum in her ear I love that you’re the perfect height for me to tuck under my chin when we sit like this. And Kate couldn’t resist it. Couldn’t bring herself to push him away while the thunder clapped overhead. And it seemed like the pieces she’d held together were being held by another set of arms now.

“I’m just… things are going really well for me at the moment, and I’m… happy.” Kate finished awkwardly, sitting up, resting her chin on her knees.

“I’m glad you’re happy, you deserve it.” Mary was still looking at her too astutely. As though she understood far too much “And Anthony is lovely.”

She’d introduced them months ago now, tugging Anthony nervously through the front door, his fingers twitching against hers. 

“Just relax.” She’d hummed, “They’re going to love you.”

Anthony had nodded, stiffly, sweat beading on his forehead as he adjusted the enormous bouquet of flowers he’d insisted on bringing. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good.” 

Mary’s lips had parted in surprised when they’d ducked into the kitchen, Edwina’s voice a guffaw Oh my god, he’s actually wearing a cable knit sweater and boat shoes! 

Kate had shot her a rude hand gesture covertly before she’d cleared her throat, “Mary, this is my- my boyfriend Anthony.” The titled had felt awkward on her tongue, even though it had tugged her lips upwards helplessly, the idea if them together. “Anthony, my Mum and Sister.”

Mary had stared a little shrewdly at him eyeing him carefully before she’d held out her hand, “Anthony, lovely to meet you, we’ve heard wonderful things.”

Anthony had practically leapt forward, thrusting the bouquet unceremoniously towards her. “Mrs Sharma, of course. It’s so good to meet you, Kate’s told me so much about you guys. I got you flowers! And Edwina!” He’d whirled wildly towards her, tugging something from his pocket. “I brought you some mango chutney that I- I made it.”

Kate had hidden her smile in his back, her arms wrapped around his waist as Edwina stepped forward a little startled. 

“Thank you, Anthony, That was very… thoughtful.”

Anthony had let out a shuddering breath, his hands raking through his hair as her family had stared at him a little bemusedly, Edwina ducking round him to mouth at Kate This is the sex god?! He’s wearing a polo shirt AND a sweater. 

“I’m so sorry! I’m just really nervous, I’ve never, met anyone’s family before and I want you guys to like me, because I really like Kate!” Anthony had seemed caught off guard by his own words, almost as much as Mary was, but Kate saw the moment they softened her. Anthony relaxing a little against Kate’s touch, against the kiss she pressed to his back. 

“You’re doing great, Babe.”

Mary’s lips parted to respond but Edwina got there first, sighing dramatically as she took her seat again, eyeing her chutney with an impressed air. “Mum, this must be so shit for you.”

Mary’s attention had snapped to her youngest, as had Anthony’s shifting nervously. “Why’s that, darling?”

“Well, I’m gay as fuck, and Kate likes men but apparently only Ken dolls. Tragic to imagine where you went so wrong.” Edwina was smirking at her own joke, feet propped up on the table as stunned silence echoed through the room for a long moment. Panic rose steadily in Kate’s chest as she took in Anthony’s stunned expression. Mary looked at her daughter as though she’d never seen her before, whipping her head back to Anthony.

“I’m not-”

Anthony’s laughter boomed through the kitchen, spinning quickly, tucking his arm around Kate’s waist, dropping a quick kiss on her lips as his eyes shined. “Fuck, That was a good one! I have to applaud.” He reached out his hand to Edwina who high-fived him a little bemusedly, a grin spreading over her face as Anthony turned back to Kate. “Your sister’s great!”

“She’s certainly something.” Kate had hissed.

But it had broken the ice, and when Mary had hugged her good night her voice had been gentle in her ear. “Ken doll or not, he might be for you.”

Kate sighed, looking at Mary now, her fingers twisting in her jeans. “You know how I wasn’t… okay? After Dad?” She waited for Mary to nod a little encouragingly, sensing the gravity of the moment enough to stay silent as Kate continued. “Well, sometimes I’m still not really okay but Anthony… males me feel like I could be again. Like maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe I can still be something.”

Mary hummed quietly, reaching out for her hand to hold tightly, her eyes serious. “Well, if Anthony does that for you, then I love him even more.”

It seemed to pound in Kate’s chest with every heartbeat, even as she took a deep breath. “Anthony actually… he asked me to move in with him last night. And I- I said I wanted to. I’m moving in with him next week.”

It was close enough to what Anthony had done, which was in actual fact nudged her overnight back with his foot, looking at it like it offended the universe by existing. 

“I’m fed up of this, can you just live with me already?”

Kate had frozen where she’d been editing photos on her iPad, her eyes darting to his. “Are you seriously asking me? Or are you just annoyed that I left my bag in the middle of the corridor.”

He’d knelt in front of her, his chin resting on her legs, letting her fingers twine through his hair, his voice huffing out of him. “I want us to wake up together, and I want your makeup to clutter the bathroom counter, and I want you to leave your bag fucking wherever you want, and I want your shoes to sit next to mine and… yeah. I wanna live together. With you.” 

She’d barely been able to hear him over the pounding of her pulse in her ears. “You think that’s what living together’s like. Just our shoes sitting together?”

“Well, I’ve never lived with anyone before!” Anthony huffed indignantly, his eyes pleading with her.

And Kate had sighed, ducking down and pressing on his chest until he fell to the floor on his back, her lips brushing his has they spoke. “Then let’s live together.”

“I’m really happy for you, Katie. It’s nice to see how happy he’s made you.”

Kate could feel her bottom lip trapped between her teeth as she bit back a smile. “I think… I think Anthony’s it for me.”

“I think you’re it for him as well.”

And an hour later when she burst back through the door Kate couldn’t help herself from calling out dramatically, “Honey, I’m Home!”

“Thank fuck! Take off your knickers and get into bed!”

March, 2022

Something very strange was going on with Kate. Anthony might not know very much about anything these days: But he did know that. 

Her eyes seemed to follow him everywhere, which he supposed wasn’t unusual given the fact that he’d almost died a month ago he supposed, and to be fair, her eyes had done a fair amount of following before anyway. But- and he felt stupid for even thinking this- this felt different. Where there’d once been something hot and dark in the way she stalked him around the room, there was now something distant, very nearly cold. And it stung at him, as much as he tried not to let it, it did.

Then there was the fact that every time he touched her, her body went rigid, and an ache rose in his chest that felt so much like longing and for what he didn’t know but everything about their interactions set him off kilter, these days. Every morning before his accident, he’d woken up to his arms and legs wrapped tightly around Kate, her entire body cocooned in him and she’d always sigh as she awoke, nestling closer, lips searching for his before her eyes had even fluttered open. She’d groaned when he’d tried to get up for work, wrapping her legs around him, sleepy voice beckoning him back to her no, baby, stay in bed with me. Let’s have a lazy day. He couldn’t even count the number of times he’d fallen back onto the mattress, into the cradle of her hips until they’d fallen apart together like a wave slowly crashing on the shore, their lips sliding together lazily. But no longer. He still woke with Kate wrapped up in him (As best she could be given his injuries), but immediately her eyes fluttered open, a sharp intake of breath and her arms on his chest firmly pushing him away until she shot out of bed. I need to walk Newton, I’ll be back soon. Call if you need me back sooner. 

In fact, she flinched away every time he touched her, even casually, her voice wobbling after the barest brush of his lips against hers. “The doctor hasn’t cleared you for that.”

He’d tried to wriggle his eyebrows flirtatiously, grinning at her, “I could… watch you though.”

“No! You couldn’t.” Kate snapped, slamming the fridge door, rushing from the room, leaving him behind, his chest aching, his head pounding.

There were a million tiny things that felt odd. The way he kept catching his mum and Kate huddled together in the kitchen, whispering furiously. The way Daphne had greeted him coldly, her fingers drumming on her arm, an engagement ring on her finger he was sure he’d never seen before in his life.

“Anthony. You had an accident.”

He’d flinched back from the coldness in her voice even as her eyes had slid to Kate’s, achingly soft before they’d snapped back to him.

“You got engaged? Daph that’s amazing, Simon’s so great.” He’d said, desperately trying to balance the surge of happiness with the irritation that kept clawing at his chest when he couldn’t put the pieces together. 

“Yep, I got engaged.” Almost entirely a brush off “Kate can we talk for a second?”

Kate had swayed on the spot for a second before she’d shaken her head, “Um- We’ll- We’ll talk after the shoot on Wednesday.”

And he hated that to. Because everyone was walking on eggshells around him. Terrified to upset him, or distress him, and it only made everything worse.

He understood it, of course he did: The distance Kate, everyone really, was placing between them. But it didn’t mean it hurt any less.

For more than a decade he’d been terrified to die, terrified to leave his loved ones and now he almost had, the very last thing he wanted to do was waste time. But now, everyone was terrified for him. 

There were so many thing about his life that didn’t make sense anymore. The necklace that Kate had never taken off before now sitting on the bathroom cabinet with a broken clasp, the wary way Newton had eyed him when he’d come home before he’d said Newton, Buddy, it’s papa. The way Kate left every week for brunch with her family, where he’d always been welcome, now apparently no longer. And all he wanted was three seconds of normalcy. One day where he didn’t feel completely fucking useless. And maybe that’s why he asked her. 

“Babe, Am I… not invited to Mary’s anymore?”

Kate froze in the act of putting her boots on, her shoulders stiffening as she pulled the laces tight, her face twitching oddly, at what he couldn’t tell. “Why would you ask me that?”

Anthony shrugged from his place propped up on the sofa, the breakfast Kate had left him, abandoned on the coffee table being eyed with intent by Newton. “You haven’t… offered to take me since I’ve been home. It’s been a few weeks I just wondered.”

Silence swelled between them for a second, something Anthony couldn’t place warring away behind Kate’s eyes as her fingers twisted in the laces for a long moment before she tied them tightly, standing awkwardly. “I just thought it might be difficult with your injuries is all.”

Anthony nodded, feeling increasingly more stupid than he already did these days. “Right. No, it’d just be nice t get out of the house is all. To feel normal.”

He hadn’t meant to make her feel guilty, he really hadn’t, but he watched the way her face fell, and his heart did as well. “Kate I’m not-” 

“Let’s go then. Come with me to Mary’s house.” She cut him off, a blazing look appearing in her eyes for just a moment as she snatched the car keys from the dish on the table in the hallway, the keyring jingling the entire way.

“I wasn’t trying to make you, Kate.”

“Ant, buzz, I want you to come with me. Of course I do.” It was the first time she’d called him that since he woke up. The cute little nickname she’d giggled when she’d said for the first time after she explained why she’d put his name in her phone as Bee instead of just the initial. You’re cute, they’re cute. They sting, you also at good with the pointy part of your anatomy. At the time he’d found it ridiculous, of course, but he’d loved everything about belonging to her so much he’d never cared. And it was that more than anything that got him off the sofa, and into the car.

He’d realised he’d made a mistake almost as soon as he shuffled into Mary Sharma’s kitchen, and every one in it stopped talking. 

Mary looked nothing short of horrified. And the change was startling. She’d always been so kind to him, so gentle in her smile, in her words, even when she’d been assessing his worthiness. But all of that was gone now, replace with something distant, hard.

Edwina was sitting at the kitchen table, her face thunderous as she took him in, her mouth snapping shut into a hard line, her nose curled almost in disgust, her knuckles white as they gripped her Girlfriend’s hand. At least Anthony remember that much. He may not recognise Ben’s new girlfriend Sophie, or the fact that Daphne was getting married in three months, but he knew Edwina’s girlfriend: Josie Bagwell. And out of the three women carefully watching him be settled in a chair by Kate who seemed to be glancing around very nervously, only she had a sad smile on her face. 

“Anthony.” Mary’s voice was as cold as her eyes had been as she turned back to the stove pressing her spatula against the pancake in the pan a little viciously. “I didn’t realise you’d been joining us today.” 

There was something else in the statement that Anthony couldn’t place, just like he couldn’t place anything these days, and his head started to pound as he fought through the fog. “I um- I thought it’d be nice to get out and about. And I love spending time with you guys.”

A harsh noise seemed to escape Edwina’s throat, her eyes fixed on the other side of the kitchen, straight ahead of her. “Right.”

“Eddie, please.” Kate’s voice was tiny, her eyes fixed on the table in front of her, as Mary dropped a plate of pancakes in front of her, just like the ones already in front of Edwina and Josie. 

Edwina’s eyes flicked quickly to Kate, a look passing between them for a long moment but Anthony missed whatever Edwina opened her lips to mouth when Mary’s harsh voice cut through.

“Scrambled Eggs, Anthony?”

“Yes, please, Mary.” 

He had no idea what was going on. The tension was thick around the table, Kate’s hand gripped tightly in his as she stared down at her plate for a long moment, perfectly cooked pancakes staring back at her. The silence was deafening, nothing but the sound of the eggs on the stove, and Anthony’s heart pounding in his chest. 

Josie cleared her throat, “I was sorry to hear about your accident, Anthony, how have you been?”

Anthony nodded, grateful, to have something to talk about, something to calm him form this odd atmosphere swirling around him as Kate finally started eating. “Um- my recovery has been a little slow, but I- I start physio in a few weeks so. That’s great. Just wish I could remember.”

Edwina scoffed again, stabbing viciously at her plate. 

Josie shot her an odd look, her braids swinging in the air with the movement of her head shaking. “It must be difficult, to have lost a year of your life.”

Anthony was grateful again for the distraction Mary dropped infront of him, even if it pulled him up short. Every one of the three pancakes on his plate were charred black. There was a tight smile on her face as she dropped into the seat across from him.

Kate stilled beside him, her eyes flicking to her mother helplessly. “Mary-”

“Looks great! Thanks Mary!” Anthony cleared his throat, taking a bite of his eggs, stalling a little as he crunches through a bit of eggshell. An accident, surely. He chewed slowly, his pulse pounding in his temple starting his headache pounding just like every time he pushed too hard to remember. “Ah- it’s been hard, Josie, yeah. But I’m trying to focus on the positives.”

“And what would they be?” Mary’s voice wavered just slightly, her eyes pinning him in place.

Anthony had to fight to stand his ground, his mind screaming at him that something was wrong, everything was. “I- I get to spend a lot of time with Kate, and I’m never upset about that.”

Edwina’s chair flew backwards as she stood from the table, her voice like an arctic breeze. “Sorry, I’ve lost my appetite.”

The look she gave him was nothing short of disgusted as she turned away and even though his head was pounding, Anthony couldn’t help himself.

“Eddie, if I’ve done anything to offend you I’m really sorry, we were always good friends.”

Kate twitched beside him, her eyes filling with tears as her sister laughed, “Really Anthony. Fucking wow-”

“Eddie, please, he’s not well. Please don’t. Just. Leave it Please.”

Anthony had never heard Kate beg like that, her eyes finally lifting from the table, pleading with her sister. For him, and evidently, Edwina hadn’t either.

She sighed, a long, shaky thing, as though steeling herself for what came next, but she didn’t sit back down, and when she spoke, her voice was still furious. “You don’t fucking deserve her, Anthony.”

The kitchen door slammed shut behind her silence following in her wake for a long moment before Josie stood quietly, her dark skin paler than Anthony had ever seen it. “I’m really sorry, she’s just upset, I’ll have her call you later, Kate. Anthony, I hope you get well.” 

And both of them were gone before he could respond to Edwina with the truth he’d always known. 

I know.

Chapter Text

April 2021

Anthony’s ears were still ringing with it, with Kate’s voice as she’d snatched Newton’s leash from his hand while the taxi idled on the curb outside the rain thundering down around her, his voice aching.

“You should take Newton, I got him for you.” He’d barely heard himself over the shredding of his own heart, bleeding out onto the front steps where it would stay forever, painted on the concrete, just like she would stay painted on his door, on him forever.

“I hate you, Anthony. I fucking hate you!” Her keys had been tossed at him as she’d bundled Newton up while the cab driver had tucked her suitcase in the boot of the car trying not to look too interested in the destruction of Anthony’s life.

He’d sat in the rain for hours, right there on the front step watching the car fade into the distance, watching it turn into the bleak landscape it was meant to be, should be. Alone. Alone so he’d never have to hurt anyone the way he hurt. 

But still his ears rang with it. Our Children.

The pounding on the front door startled him, his entire body aching as he pulled himself from the sofa, yesterday’s clothes thick with the rain and his tears that had dried into them as he forced himself off the sofa, swinging the door open as his heart hammered in his chest, a sad, pathetic part of him knowing if it was Kate, if it was her, he’d fall at her feet and beg for her to take him back. That he’d made a mistake, that the thought of being without her felt like holding his head under the water while his lungs ached. But it wasn’t her.

Edwina was standing on the other side of the door, her arms crossed over her chest in cold fury, Josie behind her with the most pitying smile Anthony had ever seen on another person’s face, two men behind both of them unloading packing boxes from a truck.

“Edwina, I-”

“We’re just here for Kate’s things, get out of the way, Anthony.” He’d never heard her voice be anything close to this, in the two years he’d known her. Edwina was the kindest person he’d ever met, and apparently even she hated him now. Good.

She pushed roughly past him into the house, Josie following with another pitying smile, her hand on his shoulder. “Hi Anthony.” 

He nodded, tears stinging at his eyes as he watched Edwina gesture the removalists through, “If you start upstairs in the bedroom, We’ll start marking things through here.”

“Is she at Mary’s?” He knew what he’d done, of course he did, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want Kate to be safe. Wasn't that why he’d done it in the first place?

“She is.” Josie said quietly, turning towards a nearby bookshelf with a sigh. The one that he and Kate had giggled over, his voice in her ear heart fluttering in his chest I like seeing our things together.

He swallowed against the bile that rose in the back of his throat.”Can you just tell me if she's okay?”

Edwina’s palm struck him across the face in a breathtaking sting, sending him reeling backwards, the first feeling he’d had in nearly a day. Josie’s gasp startling them both.

"Why the fuck should you care, Anthony?” It was full of venom, Edwina’s voice was. The woman who’d teased him, who’d introduced him as her brother in law just a few weeks ago. She hated him now. As she should. As he hated himself.

"Edwina..." Josie warned, but Edwina shook her head.

“You knew what it took for her to let herself love you like that.” Edwina spat at him, her eyes shining with fury settling the shame even further into the pit of his stomach. 

And he didn’t say anything. Couldn’t. Because she was right. He’d sat with Kate so many nights and held her against his chest while the rain fell heavily on this very roof. He’d held her against his chest, keeping her upright as they’d stood in front of the grave marked for Tharman Sharma (30th November 1966- January 23rd 2017) and her voice had ached in his ear I wish I’d died with him. It would have been better for everyone. But after all, wasn’t that why he’d done this? Kate grieved so deeply, and she’d grieved enough for a lifetime. At least now, she’d never grieve him. 

“She’ll be better. She’ll find someone better.” He forced himself to say the words he’d repeated to himself again and again. 

“Well, you’re fucking right about that, at least.”

He sat on his sofa and watched them take Kate away, watched the home they’d shared together disappear into nothingness with a blank expression on his face as the bile rose in his throat again and again and again. Edwina occasionally thrusting something in his direction with a Is this Kate’s or yours?! His heart barely beating anymore, surely there must be nothing left of him now anyway.

“Take whatever you want. I don’t care.”

Edwina had scoffed at that shaking her head as she walked away, “Do you care about anything?”

“I cared about Kate.” He said it more to himself, than Edwina, who was already halfway back upstairs, watching box after box of his life leave the house. 

Josie hummed from the other side of the room, wrapping a picture of Kate, smiling with her father at her university graduation gently in bubble wrap. “She’s not okay, Anthony.” It was like a knife, the things he hadn’t wanted to hear, what he’d done to her, what he’d done to them both, bath he forced himself to listen. “Mary can’t get her to eat anything. She hasn’t moved since she got there.”

His chest felt tight, revulsion churning his stomach at the thought, his pulse pounding in his ears, “I- she’ll get better. She’ll thank me for this eventually. She’ll find someone else and she’ll love him, and she’ll be better off.”

“She didn’t want someone else, Anthony.” Josie had always been far too gentle, it was one of the things that made her so perfect for Edwina. Softly spoken, unless something needed to be said, and even then. “She wanted you. And I hope you know, you’re responsible for the way she is now. Well intentioned or not.”

And finally, the last box was done. Packed into the truck as Edwina cast a cursory eye around, and Anthony couldn’t help himself from saying it.

“Can you just tell Kate I’m sorry?"

Edwina rounded on him, her anger that had seemed to dissipate to bitter disappointment returning in a flash. “No. You’ve done enough. Stay the fuck away from her Anthony, and if I hear you've so much as sent her a text, or liked one of her pictures on Instagram, I'll come back here and kill you myself. Do you understand?"

"I just want to make sure she's safe." Anthony could feel himself practically begging her, his knees buckling as Edwina’s hands planted firmly on his chest shoving him backwards.

"Do you understand me, Anthony?"

“Eddie, that’s enough. He understands.” Josie said gently, tugging her away and finally Anthony can choke it out. He’d known last night would be the last time he’d ever see Kate, and yet he hadn’t believed it until that moment. His last memory of her would be of a necklace ripped from her neck and a house key hitting his chest and her vehement scream of hatred.

“Yes. I understand.”

"Fucking pathetic.” Edwina spat it at him as the front door slammed, the words echoing in his chest the rightness of them, and for the first time since Kate left, he did something. He went to the kitchen, took down a bottle of scotch, and drowned himself in it.

Everything was still fuzzy, when Daphne walked through the door the next day, her voice stinging at him as she called out.

“Kate? You and Anthony had better not be fucking- you promised we’d do lunch and-” Her voice broke off as she rounded the corner into the living room her eyes widening as she took in Anthony, slumped on the sofa, an empty bottle in front of him, another halfway there, a lit cigarette smoking in an ashtray. He could see her eyes flicking around the room, taking in everything missing, taking in Kate missing from the room. Holes left everywhere, just like the one he’d punched through his own chest. 

"Anthony, did something happen? Where's Kate is she-?"

Anthony laughed, a cold, cruel, hollow sound that made Daphne flinch backwards, as he dragged his eyes to meet hers. "Kate's not here anymore."

Daphne's mouth fell open, in surprise, her brow furrowing "She- Anthony Kate left you?"

Anthony knew why she was confused, they’d all seen it, just a few nights ago as they’d celebrated Kate’s birthday, his arms wrapped tightly around her, the smile that had been on his face when Kate had laughed.

God I hope our children don't inherit your single braincell. Then you'd be without completely.

And Anthony had laughed as well, pressing their lips together, his tongue sliding over hers in a way that had had both their families groaning in complaint. Oh you'd love my idiot children Sharma.

He clenched his jaw against the memory, against the churning in his stomach that threatened to overwhelm in completely. ”Nope. I told her to leave. Told her we were done."

"She's- Anthony- what?” Daphne was gaping at him, staring around in disbelief. “Anthony what the fuck are you talking about. I’ll call Kate, I’ll sort all of this out.”

"I told her that I don't love her anymore." Daphne had flinched backwards but he’d ignored it, kept going with a shrug. ”And a little while ago now, Edwina and Josie brought a removalist to take all her things.” He gestured whimsically around the room, the alcohol burning at his throat as he took a swig. “I live in this tomb now. Left me with a pretty hefty slap, actually.”

He could do this, put on one last show, push one more person from his life, the rest of them as well if this didn’t do. Grief compounded grief, he knew that better than anyone, and this would be the last time he caused anyone to feel it.

"Anthony why would you do that? I know you love her."

"No, I don't. I thought I did, but I just wanted a regular fuck I guess." Bile rose in his throat at the words, the last thing he wanted to say, but he had to make it stop, and he couldn’t tell her the truth

"No, You didn't. You've not been as happy as you were since Dad-“

The dam broke.

"DON'T FUCKING BRING HIM INTO THIS!" His voice roaring through the empty house startled both of them, but still, Daphne didn’t shrink away. Still she stayed with that fucking look of understanding on her face; needling at him.

"Anthony, this is ridiculous. You got scared, you could just talk to her, she'd under-"

His laughter chilled even him, sent a shiver down him spine. A warning. "You think you can fix everything Daph. If you just want it enough everyone can have your stupid fucking perfect life, but I don't want it! I don't want kids, and a wife. I know you fucking hate me so why do you care?!"

"Oh shut the fuck up Anthony!" Daphne's patience had snapped, he saw the exact second it did, her hands curling into fists at her sides, her eyes furious. "You think you have a monopoly on pain but people hurt all the fucking time Anthony. You know what it meant for Kate to let herself want those things with you, as much as it did for you to want them and I don't know why you want to keep torturing yourself like this again and again, but I can't watch it. You think I hate you? You think that's what this is? I love you, Anthony, you're my brother, and you love us even in the most ridiculous ways and that's why I can't watch this anymore."

Tears were rolling down his cheeks as he let out a roar of frustration, his fists banging against the heavy wood of the coffee table in front of him. “Get. OUT!”

Daphne just stared at him, pity etched on her features, her arms crossed over her chest as she tossed it at him over her shoulder. ”Call me when you're ready to admit you were wrong."

And even then, he’d known he’d just seen another person for the last time. And when his mother called ten minutes later, he threw his phone at the picture Edwina had left there. Kate on his shoulders, smiling brightly in a field of flowers. 

“Fucking pathetic.” He spat at himself this time, and he let it settle in his chest.

March 2022

The minute Edwina had slammed the door shut, Kate had taken one look around the room, at Mary’s stony expression, at Anthony, squeezing his temples like he did when he was fighting one of the headaches that plagued him when he thought too hard: And promptly burst into tears. 

Of course she’d known, even as she stood in front of him and told him the aching truth that she wanted him to come with her: the welcome he could expect in Mary’s home, but just for one morning, she’d wanted to let herself feel it again: feel the way he’d loved her. And it was so easy here, in this tomb he called his home now, to fall back into being there person Anthony had loved: because almost nothing had changed, and Anthony was still just that. Anthony.

There was something so unsettling, in the way she seemed so eager to slide right back into the patterns she’d created three years ago. The way her body relaxed against him when he walked past her, pressing his hand to the base of her spine just like he always did. She’d thought it was so nice, when they’d been together, the way he reminded her of his presence; and she hated that she still longed for it. 

She still loved the way he smiled at her, first thing in the morning, rolling over until he lay on top of her, kissing the end of her nose. “You look so fucking beautiful this morning. How’d I get so lucky?”

It settled in her chest, brought tears to her eyes even as she rolled them, muscle memory kicking in as he settled in the cradle of her hips. “You say that every morning.” He had, and he was again. 

His grin was so handsome as his lips brushed hers, her heart fluttering stupidly in her chest before she could force herself to pull away. “And I mean it, every morning. My Wifey’s the prettiest.”

There were signs all around the house even, of the way he’d loved her. The pictures she’d taken still lined the walls, the necklace with the word Wifey scrawled in gold that he’d given her for Valentine’s day and she’d never taken off sat on the bathroom counter, the clasp repaired. And it hurt that he still told her he loved her, every time she left the house. 

“What are you shooting today?” He’d ask, his head tilted as she dragged her equipment into his car, Newton back to sitting on his chest on the sofa. Happy to be back with Anthony, with the person he’d lived the first nine months of his life with. 

“It’s an Adidas thing, actually. A player from… Chelsea I think.” 

He nodded quietly, “Want me to come with you, I’ll hold your coffee and that little-” He wiggled his hands as though he were playing a wobble board. “-Thing for lighting.”

It had stung at Kate’s chest, the memories of how he’d made himself a nuisance on her set in the past, hovering over Daphne hissing Look good for Kate’s pictures! Like an angry goose while Daphne swatted his hands away. Kate! Your idiot is attacking me!

“What would it look like if I forced my injured boyfie to carry my bags for me?” Her lips had ticked upwards in a small smirk, “Have fun boys.”

It was so normal, that for whole stretches of time she could forget that Anthony didn’t want her anymore. That he’d been closer to her than anyone outside of her family ever had, and he’d found her wanting. And the worst part was, she wanted to get carried away with the fantasy but people kept reminding her of the sad farce her life had become. 

Daphne’s voice on the other end of the phone, “Kate, you really don’t have to do this. If my Mum’s making you just-”

“Violet’s not making me do this.” She’d said gently, staring at Anthony asleep on the sofa, her fingers running through his hair. “I can’t just leave him, Daph. I still… I’m still in love with him.”

She’d heard the silence on the other end, the bitterness in his sister’s voice when she’d said, “Kate, I- I love both of you, and I loved you together, but maybe you need to learn to love what’s good for you.”

And it wasn’t as though she hadn’t tried. Wasn’t as though four months ago she hadn’t squeezed herself into a dress Edwina had helped her buy when the thought of anything she’d worn for Anthony had made her stomach churn, and sat in a restaurant across from Tom Dorset. 

He was Josie’s brother’s roommate, she’d met him ages before at a party Edwina had forced her to, and now she’d met him again at another and he’d smiled and gotten her a drink and it hadn’t even occurred to her that he might be interested until he’d been standing with his hand ruffling his hair, smiling. “Hey, um- I might be way off base here, and I know last time we met you were kind of seeing someone pretty seriously so-”

Her stomach had jolted, “I’m not with him anymore. We aren’t together.”

Tom had grinned at her. “His loss.” She’d tried to believe it but she couldn’t. “Any chance you want to get dinner some time?”

She hadn’t wanted to, but she’d promised she would try. She’d promised Mary, she’d promised Edwina. And most of all, she’d promised herself she wasn’t this ugly broken thing that Anthony hadn’t wanted. So she’d said yes. She’d bought the dress and ignored Josie’s surprised face when she’d said she had a date with Tom. And she’d met him at the restaurant, sitting beside one another in a booth. And it had been fine. It had been just fine, they’d gotten along well, right up until the moment he’d made the natural move of resting his hand on her thigh.

Kate had stared down at it, his hand burning through her dress, before she looked back at him. She’d imagined his lips brushing against hers, his hand travelling over her body and something terrified had settled in the pit of her stomach as she’d jolted from her seat.

She’d said she was going to the bathroom and left through the front door instead, ignored all of Tom’s calls and prayed to god she never had to see him again, because the crushingly, heartbreakingly awful thing was: it mostly felt like the only person she’d ever want: Would never want her again.

Except now he did. And he could stop again just as suddenly. 

“Katie, I’m so sorry.” Mary’s voice was worried as she wrapped her arms tightly around Kate, as Anthony looked on confusedly. “I didn’t- we were caught off guard, that’s all.”

“Kate, I don’t understand.” Anthony’s voice was so confused, his fingers pressing into his eyes desperately as he tried to block out the light, and he looked so helpless, the hold he still had over her tightened. 

“I think we should go, Buzz.” Kate cleared her throat, standing to help him from his chair, her arms around his waist. “You’ve- this was too much, I’m sorry.”

“Mary, I’ll talk to you later.”

Anthony was clinging to her as they left the kitchen but Mary’s voice caught them. “Anthony, I’m sorry about before that was- uncalled for. No matter our relationship, you’re convalescing and it was wrong of me to treat you like that.”

Anthony opened his eyes, his fingers twisted in the back of Kate’s shirt. “It’s okay, Mary. Maybe another time.”

Mary took a shuddering breath, “I really am glad that you’re recovering, I’d never- well. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you. No matter what.”

Tears stung at Kate’s eyes as she turned to lead him out, her fingers shaking on the doorknob as Mary caught her again. “I love you, Katie. Be safe.” 

She’d barely managed to get the home, get Anthony settled in bed, his eyelids fluttering closed from his painkillers before she’d stumbled to the sofa and tears had slid down her face again. 

Every day it seemed that she slipped further into her denial, even when Edwina called her to apologise, she was laying on the sofa, tucked against Anthony’s chest as he slept soundly.

“I’m sorry, about brunch. I was just surprised, and I’m worried about you, but it’s been brought to my attention that I was rude, and my reaction was very immature.”

Kate had hummed, “Josie wrote that all down for you huh?”

“She did.” Edwina sighed, "But that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry I upset you. Mum said I’m not allowed to be mean to Anthony until he remembers.”

“Very kind of you.” 

Silence swelled between them for a long moment before Edwina sighed “I just- I’m scared for you, Kate. I would pick you up and put you back on your feet however many times you needed it but If this falls apart again I’m worried there’s not going to be anything left to pick up.”

“Maybe it’ll be different.” It sounded stupid and tiny, childlike even to her own ears. “Maybe he could love me again.”

The silence was deafening, the loudest noise Kate had ever heard. “Yeah. Maybe, Katie.” 

And she knew it was a lie, she just wished that she couldn’t still feel his love as though she’d never lost it. 

But really, the worst part about the entire situation wasn’t the tiny chunks that got torn off her every day, or it was. But not in the way she expected. It was the look on his face when she pulled away from his touch that took the most from her. The sad smile of understanding that rose on his face when she pulled away from his kiss, tugging his hands off her gently, as they lay in bed together, the nod when she said-

“Not tonight, Buzz.” 

He nodded, his hands held in the air, “Yeah, right, I- I get it. Um- Yeah. I just- I’m not gonna break, Kate.”

Tears stung at her eyes, “Your fractured ribs that are barely healed, might say otherwise.” 

His brow furrowed, as his finger twisted one of his curls around it. “If you… Kate, if you don’t want me anymore, or if this scared you I totally-”

“Of course I still want you.” It was the horrifying truth after all? Why not let it be that? Something for him to remember when he remembered everything else as well. “But if you could remember, Anthony you wouldn’t-”

Anthony leaned over, his eyes blazing, his forehead pressed against hers pressing the words into her skin. “Kate there is nothing in this world that could stop me from loving you. But if you need time, then I’ll give you that.”

She leaned up, kissing him once more, their lips moving roughly together in the kind of kiss that had marked their Sunday mornings. Lazy and filled with emotions, a quiet promise to one another. 

And she desperately wished it was true. Desperately wanted to feel his touch just once more. To remember what she’d felt like when she’d been Anthony’s. So three mornings later, when he growls playfully, and rolls to rest on top of her, she lets her legs widen, lets him settle into the cradle of her hips under the sheets that were theirs once again. She leaned up, claiming his lips, letting them move together, letting the heat simmer and build between them, Anthony’s bare chest panting against hers as he pulled back, a whine in the back of his throat.

“Kate, are you sure? I don’t need this from you.”

And she’d never been more sure in her life as she’d pressed his forehead to hers, his beautiful face cradled in her hands. “I’m sure.” 

“Come back to me, just come back to me.” His words were aching, as their hips started moving together, a year’s worth of buried emotions coming to the surface as he moved above her, his fingers intertwined tightly in his, her name falling from his lips. 

I love you. Kate, I love you so much Babe.

And it felt good, to let herself spiral down like this, finally. To be Anthony’s again, even if he’d hate her again so soon. At least she’d have one more emory of how it felt to be loved by him. 

Even if she cried in the bathroom the second she slipped out of his arms.

Until it didn’t.

Until she was sitting in the bathroom a month later, Anthony at the physio with his Mum for the afternoon tears streaming down her face as her shoulders heaved in time with the dial tone.

“Kate? I’m kind of busy can I call you-?”

“Eddie, I think I’m pregnant.” 

Edwina’s silence was deafening for a very long moment, Kate heard the second her sister’s breath left her in a shuddered Fuck. “You’re sleeping with him.”

If wasn’t a judgement, it wasn’t a question, it wasn’t anything but sad.

“He said he loved me, that he’d never stop, and I just wanted it to be true. I still love him.” It was the first time she’d admitted it outlaid, at least to Edwina, though she knew they both knew it. 

Edwina’s breath shuddered from her chest. “Kate this is so self destructive, and I know you know that but I love you and I’ll be there soon with some tests. We’ll figure this out.”

And she’s still staring down at the pregnancy test when Anthony walked through the door. And that was when her heart broke for good.

Chapter Text

April 2022

“Do we need to talk about this?” Edwina sighed as soon as Kate opened the front door, her chest already tight. 

Kate shook her head, tears already swimming in her eyes, tugging Edwina against her chest, burying her face in her sister’s neck. “Please don’t. I know this whole thing was wrong, and it’s just dragged me right back, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.”

Edwina’s eyes were the saddest Kate had ever seen them, even sadder than the day Edwina had come back to Mary”s with Kate’s life in boxes. Even sadder than the day they’d laid their father to rest. “Take a deep breath. That’s the first thing okay?”

Kate forced herself to breathe, to stumble backwards until she pressed against the hallways, her legs barely supporting her. 

“Kate, this is going to be okay.” Edwina’s hands were tight on her forearms, “Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you have to have a baby. And this is… honestly this is a fucking mess Kate, but I just bought more pregnancy tests than any lesbian should have to, and you need to take them okay? You need to find out for sure.”

She’d been worrying over it for weeks. Ever since she had Anthony had fallen apart together really, and the magnitude of what she’d done had settled on her shoulders. Anthony had looked at her, so hurt when she’d emerged from the bathroom, pretending she hadn’t burst into tears the second the bathroom door had closed behind her. His voice had shaken when she’d kissed his cheek as he handed her a plate of pancakes.

“I really love you Kate. And I know this last little while has been shitty, but I’m… I’m working, babe. And I’m trying to get better, so things can go back to the way they were before the accident.”

Kate had had to fight against the tears all over again as she’d sat at the table, bringing Newton onto her knee to steady herself as she cleared her throat, fighting against the hysterical scream that was building in her throat. That’s the problem. You’ll remember so soon. And You’ll resent me all over again. 

“Anthony, the way I’ve been recently- I’m sorry if I made you think it was because of your accident. I’ve been through a lot in the last year, and I’m just- I’m still trying to come out the other side.”

Hadn’t that been what this had all been about? The fact that she’d tried and tried to move on. She’d moved out of Mary’s house, she’d gotten a flat, she’d gone on that date, she focused on her work, and she took Newton for walks, and she tried and tried to remember the person her father had wanted her to be. The person she’d been before any of this started. But she’d never gotten closure for any of it. She still didn’t know why the life she’d planned with Anthony had been abandoned. Didn’t she deserve even that? Even if he didn’t love her now, hadn’t he loved her at one point? Or had he never loved her at all? Which was she? Abandoned or unloveable? She might never know.

“Can I-? Can we talk about what’s happened?” His brow was furrowed, fingers drumming gently on the table in front of him, his face open and understanding and still she couldn’t bring herself to say it Anthony, you broke me. Because what good would it do to ask this man? This man who still thought he loved her.

So she’d shaken her head instead. “We’ll talk about it all when you get your memory back. Can we just…? Can we just enjoy today?”

Anthony had stared back at her for a very long moment before he’d nodded, a small smile on his face. “What do you wanna do today? Let’s do something we haven’t done all year.”

And when they’d sat on a picnic blanket in Hyde Park, Newton happily darting about after a ball, despite everything: She hadn’t been so happy in a year. 

Kate took a shuddering breath, nodding as she took Edwina’s outstretched hand, her shoulders heaving. “I’m- I’m on - I have an IUD. I’m probably not pregnant.” 

Edwina nodded, “And you’ve been under a lot of stress, bodies react weirdly.”

Kate nodded, her feet still numb as she made her way upstairs, Edwina right behind her. “Yeah. Yeah right.” 

Edwina clicked her tongue, “And if it makes you feel better, I’ll take one.”

Her words had the desired effect. Kate felt her eyes roll, a scoff of disbelief, “If that test comes back positive, we’ll need to find out why the fuck Catholics love collection plates so much.”

“This definitely isn’t a great time for this conversation-” Edwina hummed as they sat huddled beside the toilet the cool tile almost calming against Kate’s back, their fingers intertwined just like they used to when they were small, waiting for Mary to read them a bedtime story.

“In my ex boyfriend’s bathroom, with eleven pregnancy tests sitting in a cup of my urine?” Kate hummed, “What makes you say that? The ambience is incredible.”

Edwina threw her head back, the laughter that had echoed through Kate’s entire childhood, through her life nearly constantly. “Anthony might have turned into a total dickhead but fuck me, this house is still great isn’t it?”

Kate hummed, “The floor tiles are heated if you flick the switch under the sink. We fucked right here once.”

And for the first time in a long time, it nearly didn’t hurt. 

“Fuck you two were foul. I forgot that.”

Silence echoed off the tiles for a long moment before Kate rested her chin on Edwina’s shoulder, “What’s your news, Ducky?”

Edwin’s teeth sunk into her lower lips for a long moment, until the skin blanched, her fingers tightening on Kate’s before her breath left her in a whoosh, “I’m going to ask Josie to marry me.”

Kate’s mouth fell open, tears springing to her eyes, “Eddie! That’s amazing!”

“Not soon just- I love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I’m sorry for telling you now with everything going on but I just- You’re still my favourite person, No matter what. And I wanted you to be the first person to know.”

Six months ago, as selfish as it was, Kate wouldn’t have been able to sit through this conversation, she wouldn’t. She would have smiled for Edwina, then locked herself in her flat for days and cried and cried until her head ached and it felt like her tears had dried up forever. But time moved on, kept ticking, whether the person you loved loved you back or not. And now she couldn’t do anything but smile.

“I’m really happy for you.” Kate kissed her sister’s temple, wrapping her arms tightly around her sister, “Josie’s amazing, and I’m glad you found each other.”

“I really am sorry you know.” Edwina said quietly after several long moments, just as the alarm blared in the background bringing with it a new wave of dread just like her words did. “I thought you and Anthony were beautiful together, and no matter what happens, no matter what this test says, what you decide, if you decide to stay with him: I’ll be right here.”

“I need to tell him, I need to- I can’t keep doing this. It’s not…healthy and I think I thought I’d get some kind of closure but I didn’t, I couldn’t.”

Edwina smiled sadly, “Because he’s not that Anthony right now.”

Kate nodded slowly, kneeling forward while her stomach churned and her heart beat a tattoo against her chest, her hand shaking as she reached out. 

“It’s negative. They’re all negative.” 

And still, Kate didn’t know how she felt.

Which was probably why she was still holding one of the tests when Anthony hobbled through the door in his moon boot, his hair damp from the rain pattering lightly against the windows.

“Hey! Babe! Physio went super fucking well! I thought maybe we could order-Oh!”

Kate had dropped the test in surprise at the sound of his voice, panic clawing in her chest as her eyes widened desperately looking towards him.

Anthony was standing in the doorway, his eyes wide, hand in his hair as he stared at her hands where the test had been seconds before, something horrible and incredulous in his face. Something hopeful as Kate desperately shook her head.

“Kate.” His voice was shaking as he shuffled forwards, his hands reaching for her as tears welled in her eyes at the panic in her chest. Welling and welling and welling, desperation clawing at her. “Was that-?” His shoulders heaved, “Kate, are you-?”

Tears were running down her cheeks now as she gasped her answer, her head still shaking desperately, “I’m not. I’m not. I just- I was late so I took a test but I’m not pregnant.”

Anthony’s face fell a little as he sat beside her on the sofa, his fingers wiping tears from her eyes, “That’s okay, That’s okay. We can- We can try if that’s what you want, Kate.”

Kate’s heart stopped, flinching backwards from him involuntarily, her breathing coming in short sharp gasps.

How many times had they lain together, so late in the night, trading their dreams for the future in the darkness? How many times had they talked about their children? If they’d have his eyes, or her hair. If they’d want a girl first, or a boy. Whose smile would they have? There’d been a deep ache in her chest, when she’d thought about the children she’d never have with him. But not anymore. Or maybe there was an ache, but it was different. Because now it felt like dread.

“Anthony.” She snatched her hand back from his, standing from the sofa, clutching at her hair as she turned back towards him, “Anthony, I don’t want to have a baby.”

His brow furrowed, his voice slow, “Kate I’m-I’m getting better, and if I’ve learned fucking anything these last few months it’s that life is short. Life is short and I love you. And we want children, we talked about it all the time, We want Neddy, and Charlotte why are you-?”

It was the names they’d picked for their imaginary children that did it. Broke what was left of her heart into two, her blood spilled all over the carpet for the second time in a year. Or maybe she’d never really stopped bleeding, it had just slowed. “Anthony, please stop!”

But he didn’t, standing awkwardly to rummage in the pocket of his jeans, his eyes wide and earnest, “Is it because we aren’t married? Because I’ll ask you to marry me right now.” 

He was holding a ring box. She knew he was even before his hand was out of his pocket. Another stab, tears clouding her vision, her pulse pounding in her ears, Newton whining at her feet. “Anthony, please just-”

“I’ve had this ring since last February, and I don’t know why I haven’t asked you yet, but I love you, and I’m asking now.” He still looked so earnest, his hands reaching out for her, the box open between them, the ring he’d meant for her once upon a time gleaming at her in the light as thunder cracked overhead. “I love you, Kate. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please. Marry me?”

A year ago it had been all Kate had wanted. For Anthony to propose. And apparently he’d considered it too. Once Upon a time Kate had felt the bitterness of disappointment when Anthony had stood in front of her on Valentines Day and the velvet box had held a necklace, not a ring. Once upon a time she would have said yes, even under circumstances like this. Maybe even now, just to pretend to be his for a moment longer. And until she saw it, her old life offered back to her like this: She hadn’t realised how much she’d changed. How different she was from the woman Anthony had called the love of his life. The Kate who’d been his. 

Kate took a step backwards, gasping for breath with tears in her eyes, shaking her head. “I can’t. Anthony, I’m so sorry, I can’t do this anymore.”

His face fell, his fingers tightening around the box, his voice aching with hurt, and she knew she should do the brave thing and stay. Stay for once, but she couldn’t. Couldn’t break his heart the way he’d broken hers.

“Kate- What-?”

“I’m so- I’m sorry.” Tears were still running down her cheeks, sinking onto the floor as she snatched up Newton for the second time and hurried into the hall. His footsteps followed her, like a bewildered puppy, no idea what to do, and she couldn’t bear to look at him, she couldn’t. “I’ll bring your car back tomorrow, I’ll get Daphne to stay here tonight I just- I can’t.”

And it wasn’t until she stepped into the freezing rain the she let herself fall apart, shaking behind the wheel of his car as she sat across the street from the house that had once held her entire life. Sob after sob wracking her body as she called Daphne, her voice hurried, Jesus fucking- I’ll be there soon.

And when she saw her friend’s car pull up to the curb, Kate finally mustered the energy, and drove away.

April, 2021

“So I’ve been thinking,” Kate hummed as the knife she was using snapped against the wooden shopping board again and again, in time with the pounding of Anthony’s heart. The pounding that hadn’t settled since last night. 

It had been the most incredible day. He’d taken the day off his hands covering Kate’s eyes as he took her to the spots she’d told him about again and again, the places she’d been happiest with her father. The museum, that tiny ice cream shop, a shop that sold bicycles. Every happy memory repeated and replayed with him in her father’s place. For her. For her birthday. And he’d been so glad to do it. Her smile had been warm on his skin, like sunshine lighting a field of flowers as they started to bloom in early spring. Her hands holding the broken pieces of him together so tightly he almost couldn’t feel the cracks anymore. Almost like he wasn’t the man who had gone into the bathroom of his workplace and shoved his tie in his mouth so no-one could hear him scream. And she didn’t even know, maybe she’d never have to. Maybe if he could have just kept her, right their in that moment when their boots and kissed a moment before their lips did, he could have fixed himself. 

But because he was Anthony, because he ruined almost everything he touched: of course he couldn’t. And he couldn’t ruin her anymore. 

They’d been on their way to her birthday party, their entire families likely already waiting for him, owning the fact he’d spied Kate slipping into her dress he’d had to fall to his knees in front of her, one of her legs thrown carelessly over his shoulder as his tongue had moved over her and her fingers in his hair had been the only thing to steady her. They’d been driving through the city, his left hand in her right, tugged over to her lap, he’d been laughing with her as she sung along to the radio, a Taylor Swift song, it had been. Gold Rush. And he remembered every second, every millisecond of what happened next. He’d gone to pull off as the light turned green, creeping into the intersection, and the car had come out of nowhere, careering towards them, their tyres skidding across the slippery road, wildly trying to correct. And he’d been right back there again. That teenage boy watching the headlights bathe his father’s face in a terrified glow, his voice hoarse as he’d felt the impact force him backwards as the car had rolled wildly across the pavement, spinning and spinning and spinning, his father’s arm forcing him back against the seat.

DAD! 

ANTHONY!

They’d sat there together, in the car, trapped upside down as the smell of petrol had filled the air, his father’s voice weakening. I love you so much, son. Until his eyes had shut forever just as the blue and red lights had bathed him in a glow again.

DAD PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES, SOMEONE’S COMING, SOMEONE’S COMING FOR US, I KNOW THEY ARE! PLEASE DAD! I STILL NEED YOU! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT YOU?!

The noise of the horn had blared, Kate’s furious voice filling the night as the car sped off in the other direction, “Hey! Arsehole! Watch where you’re going you fucking tosspot!” 

But Anthony had been frozen. 

“Can you fucking believe that?!” She’d turned towards him, unaware of the sirens still blaring in his ears. Because she didn’t know. He’d never want her to know. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” Anthony had cleared his throat, shaking his head to try and stave off his own screams in his ears, and it had almost worked.

Until he’d lain awake, with Kate’s head cushioned against his chest, her hair forming little spirals on his skin, and he’d remembered every moment. 

He remembered the way his mother had stared out the window for days, for weeks, for months. He’d remembered how he’d had panic attack after panic attack as his Aunt Bille sat patiently beside him, trying to get him to drive again. And worst of all: He remembered Kate’s words.

He remembered the words she’d said before, so many times they had names picked out for the collective she’d used earlier that night. Our children. 

The tiny versions of her that would be his as well, that would be created with love and raised just the same. 

The tiny people he knew now, then, right there in that moment, could never exist at all. Because one day, whether in three years or fifty-three, wouldn’t he leave her alone as well? Everyone died eventually, and he couldn’t turn Kate into his mother, staring out the window, refusing to eat, refusing to sleep, refusing to do anything. And even worse, how could he condemn a child to his own fate? And so, as the sun had risen, it had brought with it Anthony’s resolve. It was time to finally stop stealing Kate Sharma’s life from her. Even if it meant ruining his own. Because who else’s could he ruin?

“Are you even listening?” Kate sighed, rolling her eyes exasperatedly as they sat together on the sofa, dinner barely over, Newton sleeping on the rug at their feet. Newton. The dog he’d bundled under his shirt just months ago, sneaking up to Kate while she edited her pictures, waiting for his tiny nose to pop out the top. Dream achieved, Wifey.

And he knew, it was time. It had to be, he had to be done with this so that she could move on. Because he lived her enough to know she’d been through enough heartache in her life. He knew she grieved her father still, he held her while she cried, and as strong as she was, as strong as she would always be: She couldn’t mourn that way for him. 

Hey cleared his throat.m”I actually think we need to have a talk, Kate.”

Kate froze, shooting up from where she’d been resting against his chest, her brow furrowed, even as she tried to laugh it off. “Do you… want to talk about where we want to go on holiday for summer?”

His heart was already aching, and he hadn’t even started. “No, Kate.” He could barely even look at her as he forced the words from his chest, the words he’d repeated to himself again and again through the day. “Kate, I’m so sorry, I can’t do this anymore.”

She froze, froze completely, with her lips parted, her beautiful face stunned, “Anthony, that’s not funny.”

Anthony forced himself to look her in the eyes, swallowing desperately, “I’m being serious Kate. I can’t be with you anymore.”

She flinched backwards, her entire body cringing away from his one the sofa. “I don’t- I don’t understand.”

Anthony sighed, “You have our entire lives planned out Kate, It’s too much, it’s too soon. You want to get married, and have children and I- I don’t want that.”

“You said that you did. You were the one who said you wanted to marry me, you said you wanted children. Anthony I don’t- Where is this coming from?” There were tears in her eyes now, stinging at his chest as she repeated the things he wanted more than anything, as she weirded them like a sword against him. But he’d made up his mind. It was better this way. He still couldn’t even get his hands to stop shaking? How could he do anything else.

“Kate, please just-”

“I love you!” She reached for him now, cupping his face with her hands, pressing her forehead against his, branding the words into his skin where they’d sit forever now. “Please Anthony. I love you, and I know you love me, I know you do. Whatever happened, we can fix this, we can. I’m sorry I’m the way I am but I can fix it, I can, please just don’t do this. I love you, Anthony. And you loved me, you said you did.”

“I don’t though, Kate. Not anymore.” The words were like acid on his tongue. He’d prayed he wouldn’t have to say them, but at the same time: he’d known he would have to. It was who Kate was. She felt everything so beautifully, so deeply, and he’d have to say the only thing that he knew could break the loyalty, the love she felt for him, and he’d never hated himself more.

Kate cringed backwards as though he’d struck her, tears rolling down her cheeks as she wiped at them furiously, her voice a tiny broken thing as she wrapped her arms tightly around her chest, as though she were holding herself together, “Anthony. Please. If you need time, we don’t- We don’t have to get married. We won’t have any children, I’ll just- You’ll be enough for me, I promise.”

Anthony could hardly breathe, his fingernails digging into his hands as he tugged them away from her, his voice wavering. “Please don’t beg me Kate. I’m serious. This is done.”

He saw it. And he’d remember it forever: The moment she believed him. 

Kate’s face crumpled, still so beautiful, even now that he’d taken a dagger and shoved it into her chest. It’s better this way. It’s better. She’s be a thousand times better off without you. She’ll see that. Everyone will.

He kept repeating that as she stumbled backwards off the sofa, as her hands beat against his chest her voice hammering at him, I trusted you! You told me it was okay to love you! That you’d never leave me! You fucking LIAR!

He kept repeating it as she stumbled upstairs, throwing things into a bag at random.

He kept repeating it as she tore downstairs, her voice furious, I hate you! As her necklace hot his chest.

He kept repeating it as the taxi carrying her drove away.

He kept repeating it as he sat in the rain. 

And he prayed that he’d drown before the sun would rise again. Because Anthony knew there’d be no resolve with it tomorrow.

Chapter Text

April 2022

“I’m going to propose to Kate.” Anthony had said it so calmly, as he sat in the passenger seat of his mother’s car, staring out the window, and in hindsight, the way his mother froze completely should have been a red flag. 

“Anthony, don’t. Please don’t ask Kate to marry you.” Her voice had been a sharp little thing, a barb pressing into his skin.

His brow had furrowed, “I have the ring, and I’m not sure why I haven’t done it already but I know she’s the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, she’s the only person I’d ever even want to try this with.”

His mother’s breath had rattled in her chest, “Anthony, I know that. I know better than almost anyone after this year, but Kate’s been through so much. Just wait until you get your memory back.”

“I’m tired of waiting for things!” He’d snapped, his emotions spinning wildly out of control, “I always thought I’d feel differently if something like this happened again, but all I can think about now is how much time I’ve fucking wasted.”

“Anthony, trust me, when you’re better, you’ll understand why this is a bad idea.” She’d been biting her lip so hard, her teeth had left an indent in the skin, blanching it.

“Do you not like Kate?”

“Anthony, I love Kate.” She’d sighed, “She was- is so perfect, but she’s not- neither of you, are ready for this now. You need to be focusing on getting better.”

“Kate said something happened last year. Her family fucking hates me, I don’t understand any of it.” He’d hated the way he’d sounded. Like the boy who’d lain in a hospital bed begging his mum to tell him he’d imagined it all, that he hadn’t sat next to his father’s body hour after hour as they’d cut him from the wreckage. 

His mother had sighed, as she’d pulled up to the curb, turning towards him, her lips pressing against his forehead, “I know, Darling. I know this all must be so confusing to you, and we’ll talk about this, I promise we will, tomorrow if you like. Just, please don’t ask Kate anything tonight okay?”

He’d nodded slowly, though the ring in his pocket had been burning against his leg. But then he’d gotten home, and he’d seen the pregnancy test in Kate’s hand: and all hell had broken loose.

She’d looked so terrified, when she’d seen him. When he’d started talking about the life they’d planned together, the life they’d imagined when they lay nestled under the bedsheets, using them as a fort, just them against the world. He’d wanted a girl, a little girl who’d be just as Kate was. Beautiful and bold and obstinate. Kate had been adamant they’d have a boy, a boy to stamp his little foot and stress over the fact the condiments in the fridge weren’t alphabetised. He’d nuzzled against her cheek with his heart pounding in his chest You can have as many as you want. Whatever makes you happy. Kate had smiled so softly, when he’d said it, their legs intertwined when she’d hummed, Three. I want three kids. 

Except now she didn’t want any.

His head had pounded as she’d shaken her head desperately, her skin pale, trying to scramble away from him as he held his heart out to her, and then she’d said it.

I can’t do this anymore.

It had echoed through his head, like a hammer striking a bell, the noise changing and evolving, pounding in his head until he couldn’t hear her voice anymore: Just his own.

“Kate, I’m so sorry, I can’t do this anymore.”

And as the door shut behind her, one last devastated look tossed over her shoulder, everything came rushing back.

Day after day he’d followed the same routine. He’d gone to work, he’d gone through the motions of his life, forcing himself to pretend he cared, then he’d gone home. He’d gone home and twined the necklace she’d left him with around his fingers while he sat at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, nothing in front of him and stared into space. Sometimes he’d take out his phone, scrolling through the posts on his instagram page that had been dedicated to her. He’d watch the video he’d posted when they’d been together just six months, Kate blindfolded as he’d tugged her up to the entrance to Heathrow, pulling it off with a flourish.

“You’re taking me… to the airport for our anniversary?”

“Yeah I thought we’d get an overpriced sandwich and pop on home.”

Kate had giggled, her eyes flashing brightly, hands fisting in his shirt “Where are we going?”

“We’re going the the Maldives.”

The pictures were all still there on his page, Kate on his back as they lay in the white sand, pictures of their legs intertwined and her lips brushing his. Every one of them a twist of the knife lodged in his chest. 

He’d barely eaten, barely slept, letting himself slowly waste away, fading into the background, white hot tears rolling down his face when he came home and found his cleaning lady had dragged all of his clothes back into the centre of the wardrobe. His fingernails breaking against the walls as he scraped his clothes back into place. The way his mother’s voice ached when she’d stood in front of him, telling him she didn’t want Gregory and Hyacinth to see him like this, just weeks before his second accident.

“It’s hurting them, it’s hurting me Anthony to see you like this.” She’d said, pushing his hair, getting longer by the day, back from his eyes, “Do you understand that? You’re going to kill yourself like this, Anthony, and it’s too painful. You have to try, you made a choice and you have to try to move on now, Anthony.”

“Stop watching then!” He’d practically screamed at her but still she’d stood her ground, her voice more furious than he’d ever heard it. 

“No! You and your brother’s and sister’s are all I have left of your father, and the life we wanted to live together. How dare you tell me to leave you? How fucking dare you Anthony? You’re my son and no matter what you do, I’ll be here and I’ll love you.”

“Just STOP!”

Three hundred and thirteen days. That’s how long it had been since he’d seen Kate. Since her instagram disappeared, since Edwina’s did as well, since the little snatches he saw of her on Josie  Bagwell’s instagram were all he got. 

He’d have given anything to see her again. But the thought of what she’d done for him, these last few months, how he knew now what that look in her eyes had meant, how much he must have hurt her again and again as though he hadn’t done that already: It made his stomach churn. 

And that was where Daphne found him, hunkered over the kitchen sink, with his stomach heaving, cold sweat sticking to his skin, his hair matted against his forehead. 

“Anthony.” His sister’s voice was a sad sigh, her cool hand pressed against his forehead just the way their mother used to do when he was small, tucking him back against her chest. 

“Is Kate okay?” 

Daphne shook her head, “No, Anthony. Kate hasn’t been okay in a long time.”

He could feel the tears stinging at his eyes, his chest heaving, “I never meant for any of this to happen.”

He felt Daphne nod against him swaying gently, “You remember, don’t you?”

Anthony’s entire body was shaking with his sobs as he forced himself to nod his head, every second of the last few months replaying again and again in his head, of the last year, really. The ache in his chest and the way he’d lived in the tomb he’d created, forcing himself to carry on in the life he’d created, waiting to die, waiting for the life that no one would mourn to be over. Only now it felt so pointless. 

Everything had crystallised, as he’d hung upside down waiting for someone to find him, while the driver stumbled from the car. He’d been so terrified that night a year ago, images flashing through his mind, helpless again as he watched the light fade from Kate’s eyes, panic clawing at his chest until he lashed out wildly, and there had been none of that, when he’d actually been back in that moment. His body wracked with pain, blood leaking into his eyes and he’d thought, so desperately as sirens filled the air and his eyes flickered closed:

I’m not ready. I’m so sorry Dad I’m not ready. I’ll be better if I can just stay.

“I’m so sorry, Daph. I’m so sorry.” 

He felt his sister’s arms tighten around him before her hands slowly turned him to face her, the first time she’d really met his eyes in a year, her voice so gentle. “Why did you do it?”

She deserved to know, they all deserved closure, he could see how deeply this question had been wondered, echoing back in her eyes. “I haven’t been okay in a long time either.”

There were so many things he’d never let anyone see, so many time he’d disappeared and fallen apart in the bathroom, or the bedroom where he’d grown up, his fist shoved into his mouth to muffle his sobs while his body shook. 

Daphne nodded, “What happened to you and Dad, Anthony, it was unimaginable, and we’re all so sorry, but you never let us help you.”

“I didn’t know how.” The only time he’d ever felt steady or anything close to since he’d been eighteen had been when Kate had held him against her chest as they’d fell asleep. The way she’d loved him, trusted him had truly made him forget, for a little while how broken he really was. She’d held the pieces of him together with her hands, but she’d never known. So she hadn’t been able to catch the pieces as they’d started slipping through their fingers. “I didn’t know how, and Kate’s already… dealt with so much and I started spiralling again and I just wanted to save her.”

He could still remember, that very first night when the rain had thundered down on his roof and he’d woken to Kate, scrabbling around the floor for her clothes while her chest heaved.

“Sorry, I um- I have to go.”

His heart had thundered in his chest, anxiety swirling all around him. “Kate, are you-? Did I do something that wasn’t okay or-?”

“I’m fine, I just- I can’t be here, I have to-.” A clap of thunder had shaken the windows, and Kate’s eyes had been lit for a moment before she’d crumpled to the floor, shaking with terror, curled into a small ball.

His feet had felt numb as he’d stumbled towards her, panic in his chest as she struggled against his arms, her breathing slowing as he comforted her. As her heart rate slowed her words had fallen from her lips, the whole story. The way she’d loved her own father, so desperately, how she’d come home from university one day a day just like any other, a late afternoon storm cracking around her in the summer. How she hadn’t known anything was wrong at first, how she’d  gone into the kitchen and found him, her father, his tie hanging loosely around his neck, never left for work. Already gone. 

She’d told him how she still felt it, so keenly, even five years on and at the time, and Anthony had recognised the sameness in them for the hundredth time. Two people who felt and felt long after other people would have forgotten. Two people who pretended they didn’t.

“Anthony, I know you don’t want to hear this, and I probably shouldn’t do this now when you’re already hurting.” Daphne sighed, tears slipping down her own face as she stared back at him, her fingers pushing his hair back from his forehead. “But you didn’t save any of us. Mary could barely get Kate to eat, it was months before she could even pretend to go about her life.”

He could see it all in his head, Kate the same way he’d been, the image he’d forced to the front of his mind of Kate, carrying on her life without him. Happy and carefree and perfect. And it had never been true. “Daph I-”

“You need to hear this, Anthony. Because none of us ever got closure. And Kate deserved so much more than that. Did you know that she still takes Gregory to the movies when he wants to go? She still takes Hyacinth to lunch, she still does all of these things because she loved us, and she loved you, and you hurt her, Anthony.”

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this, how to be the person I was before Dad died.” His chest felt tight, tears blurring his vision.

“You don’t have to be that person, Anthony. The things we go through, they change us so fundamentally. I don’t know who I’d be if Dad hadn’t died, but you have to try. He wouldn’t want this for you, Anthony.”

And for the very first time, Anthony believed it. 

______________________________________________

It was different this time. And maybe that shouldn’t have surprised Kate, but it did. It surprised her how easy it was to slip back into her flat. How easy it was to get up in the morning, how her chest ached still ached when she called Edwina, but the tears stinging at her eyes didn’t overwhelm her.

“I um- it’s done. With Anthony. I um- I’m back at home.”

The silence on the other end of the phone had been deafening for a long moment before before Edwina’s breath had shuddered. “Katie, I’m so sorry. I know you hoped that things would be different but-”

“It’s fine. It- It’s not like we broke up right? You can’t break up if you’ve been broken up for a year.” She’d tried to laugh, and despite the fact it felt different from a year ago, it still sounded hollow. 

“Well, I’m cancelling my day, and we’re going to watch trash movies, and eat ice cream.” 

“Cancel your day?” Kate had laughed despite herself, “Eddie, babe, you’re a novelist, you work from home. Are you cancelling 9am, stare out window and hope for inspiration to strike?”

“I’m not taking this criticism from you.” Edwina sighed.

“Which means I’m right.”

Edwina clicked her tongue, silence falling between them for a long moment. “Need me to go and get your things from Anthony’s?”

Kate’s teeth dug into her lip sharply, shaking her head, though Edwina couldn’t see her. “No, can you just borrow Josie’s car maybe? I stole Anthony’s and I need to drop it back.”

Edwina whistled lowly. “Mum is going to have so much to write about in her Christmas card this year. She’ll be thrilled.”

Kate had hesitated outside the front door, the one she’d left twice, the one that still had the flowers she’d painted on it, her stomach still smiling, Anthony’s house keys burning into the palm off her hand as she knocked.

“Kate, hey.” Daphne’s voice was gentle, as the door opened, her eyes sad, arms tight around her. 

“Is Anthony here? I need to explain what-”

Daphne’s face fell a little. “Kate, he- Anthony remembers what happened, and he- he just needs time. He’s been asleep all morning.”

Her chest had ached, tears pricking at her eyes. You knew this would happen. You knew he’d stop wanting you, don’t cry about it now. She’d forced herself to nod. “Right um- Well, I just brought his car back, and I was hoping to grab my things but maybe you can drop them round.”

Daphne had nodded, hugging her tighter for a long moment. “Thank you, for looking after him.”

“I’d never leave him, if he needed me I’d always be there for him.” It still sounded so hollow, so unfinished, and maybe she just had to learn that some thing would always be that way. There would be questions she’d never have answered. People fell out of love, perfectly healthy fifty year old men dropped dead on Wednesday mornings after his wife and children had left for the day. Things happened, and there were no answers. 

“Kate he- He wants to talk to you, tell you what happened and I know I don’t have any right to ask this of you and neither does he but he just needs a little bit of time. Can you give him that? One last thing?” Kate could see it for what it was, a sister who loved her brother despite everything, who loved her friend as well, begging for something she knew she shouldn’t.

“Well, you know where to find me.”

“He didn’t want to see me.” Kate sighed as she sunk into the passenger seat of Josie’s car, Edwina sighing beside her.

“Want me to yell at him again? I’m actually really good at it as it turns out.” 

“Thanks, but no. He remembered, and he still doesn’t want me. I knew this would happen so it shouldn’t fucking hurt like this.” But the awful truth was it did. Slowly she’d let herself fall back into being as in love with him as she’d been when he’d been in love with her, and it hurt that in the end he hadn’t been with her. Once again. 

“But you know it’s okay that it does right?” Edwina was watching her carefully, as they moved through traffic, her lips twitching, “Do you think, maybe it’s time for you to… talk through this with someone again?”

Kate tried not to let her face twitch at all the times she’d sat on a couch across the room from a doctor who hummed gently, poking and prodding at her feelings as she fought to reveal them. She’d gone for months after she’d called Mary sobbing hysterically while a paramedic had fought to disentangle her from her father. 

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll um- I’ll set something up I guess.”

Edwina nodded slowly, “In the meantime, we’re getting ice cream, and I’m taking up residence on your couch.”

“Josie still exasperated by you sending her a picture of that pregnancy test huh?” Kate hummed.

“Oh she’s mad at herself because for a moment, she forgot we were gay and she panicked thinking I was pregnant. But as the cause of that panic maybe I’m in a little bit of trouble.”

And though it would have been impossible a year ago, Kate couldn’t help but laugh. 

And so she settled back in to her life, back in to trying to forget what it had been like to be loved by Anthony. She went to work, and smiled at the barista who made her coffee and she tried. She went to dinner with her family, and took Newton for walks and forced herself to eat and drink and care. Forced herself to try so much she almost wasn’t expecting the knock on the door. Wasn’t expecting to see Anthony staring back at her, two weeks after she left him standing in the corridor of his house for the second time. 

His moon boot was off, no crutches in sight, standing straight and tall and proud, his beard still full but neatly groomed, his handsome face had filled out again, as it had been starting to do during his recovery, there was a scar now above his right eyebrow, not obscured by the hair falling over his brow as his eyes flicked nervously over her face.

“Hey, Kate.”

“Anthony.” She hated how breathless her voice sounded, the fact that her heart still hammered in her chest when Newton darted forward, leaping towards Anthony with his tail wagging wildly. 

“Hey, Buddy. Have you been good for Mum?” Anthony was smiling gently at the dog that had been theirs, kneeling in front of him. 

“He hasn’t, he dragged mud all through the house this morning after he felt it was absolutely essential he chased a squirrel on our walk.” Kate hummed, her fingers drumming on her arm, crossed over her chest holding the pieces of her together. 

Anthony grinned up at her, catching her off guard. “He’s pretty cute though.”

“He is pretty cute.” Awkward silence swelled between them for a long moment, their eyes caught together for a long moment before Kate cleared her throat. “Sorry, Anthony, is there something I can help you with?”

He straightened, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, his face twitching nervously, “I um- I hope it’s alright that I stopped by, I just- I owe you an explanation for what happened between us. You deserve that much, and I’ve no right to expect you to listen to me but you deserved so much more than I gave you, Kate. And I just want to explain why.”

His words tugged at her chest, the answers she’d stayed awake pondering over for months being offered to her, standing in the doorway of the flat where she’d run away from him. Her heart was hammering in her chest already, pulse pounding in her ears as she stepped back, letting Anthony step inside, fighting to keep her voice even. “Take a seat, this feels like a cup of tea conversation. Mind you, I don’t have any of that trash you drink.”

The corners of his lips twitched upwards just a little as he followed her through to the living room, “English breakfast isn’t trash.”

Kate hummed, glad of her escape to the the kitchen, glad he couldn’t see her face as she fought for control. “It is, but it’s sweet that you don’t think so.”

The silence between them was deafening, sat just inches apart on her sofa, two mugs of tea sitting on the coffee table, Newton asleep having squeezed himself between them. She’d thought about what it would be like to have a conversation like this more times that she could count, and now that she was faced with it: Kate didn’t quite know what to say. 

“I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do.”

Anthony’s brow furrowed, his hand rubbing over his beard for a moment before he cleared his throat. “I think I should probably start by saying Thank You for looking after me these last few months. I know that must have been… fucking awful for you and I never would have expected you to do that for me so thank you.”

Kate nodded, the motion feeling awkward and stilted, her hands curled into fists in her lap, “It’s um- It’s fine, Anthony. You weren’t well, and you needed stability and I was glad to help you.”

Anthony’s faced twitched inscrutably, “Still I- Kate, I treated you really poorly, when we split up, and I just- I made you feel like it was something you’d done, that it was your fault and the truth is: You were incredible. So much more than I deserved, still. And I was the problem with our relationship. My shit got in the way, and I’m sorry that I made you think otherwise.”

She’d always wondered what she’d done, when she’d pushed too far and made him stop loving her, and apparently that hadn’t been the case at all.

Kate felt her brow furrow, her voice shaking slightly as she spoke. “I’m sorry, I don’t really… understand.”

Anthony bit his lip, his hand twitching nervously to his hair, a shuddering breath shaking his shoulders for a long moment before he cleared his throat. “I um- I told you that my father died in a car accident.” 

Kate nodded gently, trying to put the pieces together, “When you were eighteen.” 

Anthony nodded, his mouth a tight line, swallowing convulsively. “What I never told you is that I was I the car as well. He ah- he died, right in front of me, and it took them hours to- to get me out and I was- No. I’m still struggling with it.”

Kate felt herself freeze, her chest aching as she considered it, thought about all the times Anthony must have suffered quietly, hen she’d been right there in the next room, when she would have wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him close, the was he had for her, nd he’d pushed her away. “Anthony, Why wouldn’t you tell me that?”

“I’ve never, told anyone that. I never wanted you to have to deal with my shit. I couldn’t stand the thought that you’d think differently of me.” The muscle at the angle of his jaw was clenching rhythmically, his knuckles white on his knee as Kate’s hand shot out to cover his.

“Did you think less of me? Because of the way I was.”

“Kate, no.” His voice was firm, his hand twisting in hers to intertwine their fingers tightly together, his free hand tucking her hair behind her ear. “No. That night, the night of your birthday, on the way there we-”

“We were nearly in an accident.” It was nearly a gasp, tears pricking at her eyes as she remembered the way his knuckles not he steering wheel had been white then as well, even if just for a moment. The distance in his eyes from that moment that she couldn’t quite place. That her mind had turned into something else. 

Anthony nodded, swallowing again “It triggered me and, I find the train of thought a little tricky to follow now myself, but by the end of the night I knew I’d die. In a week, in a year, in ten years, and I’d leave you. I’d leave you and you wanted a baby. A child that would have to mourn me as well and I got overwhelmed and I wanted to spare you any more pain. You’ve already been through so much more than anyone should have to and I just- I couldn’t be the cause of any more pain.”

Kate stared back at him, in disbelief, her chest aching. A single second. A split second had been the cause of all of this, just as much as the pain he’d carried with him, told no one. “Anthony, you should have told me about this. You say you never wanted me to deal with this but I was. I was dealing with this and I didn’t even known what it was. I could have helped you. I would have wanted to, that’s how much I loved you.”

Tears were sliding down Anthony’s face as he nodded his eyes fluttering closed. “I know that now. I know. And I just- I know I hurt you so much more through what I did than I ever thought possible. You loved me, and you trusted me and I didn’t trust you the same way. And I’m so sorry.”

Kate could feel tears dripping onto their joined hands, tugged onto her lap. “I loved you.”

“I loved you as well. I told you I didn’t and that was the cruelest thing I’ve ever said to anyone, Kate. Because the truth is, I loved you so much I forgot how fucking broken I was, and I wanted to believe I was better, but you deserved so much more than I could give you.”

They were so close, bodies pressed together, so much understanding between them now, honesty in a way there’d never been before. 

“Why do you get to decide?"

Anthony’s brow furrowed further, Kate could feel it against her own brow. “Decide what?”

“Why do you get to decide what I need or deserve?”

Anthony let out a shuddering breath, shaking his head, “Kate, I- I’m not here, in a bid to win you back, or try and justify what I did, but I’m trying to be better. I’ve started seeing a therapist, last week and I’m learning a lot about myself, and I’m trying to be better. I just wanted you to know that you meant so much to me, and I fucked it up, and if I could take it all back now I would but I can’t, and I hope one day you can forgive me.”

Kate could feel it, tugging at her chest, falling again, falling always, just the way she always had. And it hadn’t been her fault at all, what happened, she knew that now. And nine months ago, she wouldn’t have cared about any of it, all that would have mattered was that he was here. But she’d grown as well. 

“Anthony, I’m not the woman you fell in love with anymore. I’ve learned a lot of things about myself.” Her voice was stronger than she’d thought herself capable of being, her spine strengthening and hardening. “I’m smart, and strong, and I’m capable, Anthony. And I gave so much of myself to you that I’ll never get it all back. I will always love you, Anthony.”

“I still love you.” She’d wanted to hear it so many times, could taste it on her tongue, and it made her heart pound just the way she thought it would, and still-

“I want to trust you again, Anthony, but I don’t know how.”

Anthony nodded gently, his eyes catching with hers for a very long moment, before he pulled back with a shuddering breath, standing with his fists clenched. “I completely understand. Thank you, for taking the time to listen to me, and I wish you all the best.”

He made to walk away, to leave and though she knew a million things could go wrong, and nothing was fixed, not really, both of them so broken maybe they’d never be whole again, but she couldn’t let him leave, not again. 

“Anthony.” She caught his hand as she stood, tugging him back against her chest, her hands on the nape of his neck, forcing his lips against hers. 

How many times had she kissed Anthony? Too many to count, too many to remember. But none of them had ever been like this. Both of them moving so desperately, gripping so tightly, gently all at the same time. Open and honest and raw.

“I love you, but I need more than that this time, Anthony.” Her voice was desperate as she pulled back, “I need you to be honest with me, about everything.”

He nodded against her, pressed together tightly. “It’ll be different, I’m tired of feeling this way, Kate. I want to be better for myself, for you, for my family. I am very far from a perfect person. I’m arrogant and selfish and my expectations are ridiculous but I will work hard every single day of my life to be the person you deserve, I promise.”

Hopefully, ugly tears fell from both of them as they stood together in her living room, promising everything right at the end.

“Stop telling me what I deserve. Let me decide, let me be in control of my own life, Anthony.”

Anthony stared back at her for a very long moment, his lips twitching before he pulled back, clearing his throat. “Let’s start again then.” He held his hand out to her. “I’m Anthony. I’m 33, I have huge fucking issues surrounding my father’s death, and sometimes I find it difficult to get out of bed, but I’m working on myself. I’m trying hard.”

There was so much honesty in it, in letting her see what she’d never seen before, the way trauma had shaped them both, evident in the harsh light of day. “I’m Kate. I’m 28, I panic when I hear rain because it was raining when my Dad died and now I associate the two. I’m working on myself as well, because I don’t want to be like this anymore either.”

And maybe it wasn’t the end at all. Or maybe it was. But the page after an ending is always a beginning. 

Chapter Text

June 2022

“Do you want to get married?”

Kate froze in place on his lap, her back pressed against his chest, her pencil freezing in place on the photo she was editing her mind clearly racing as she cleared her throat. “Yeah, some day I’d like to get married. Sure.” 

Anthony’s heart hammered in his chest for the millionth time in the last two months. He hadn’t really meant to ask her, not like this at least, but it was overwhelming, the closeness he had with her now. Familiar and comfortable but still new, no secrets between them. That’s what happened when you sat in therapy with one another, fingers intertwined together with your chest tight, he supposed.

“This is- this is my Kate, that I’ve been talking about. We just um- We got back together this week.” Anthony had stuttered out, the act of sharing still a little new to him, Kate nodding gently beside him.

Dr Harris had hummed smiling softly, her hands clasped in her lap. “It’s lovely to meet you, Kate, I’ve heard a lot about you. Anthony, you must be happy.”

His eyes had flicked to Kate, who was nodding gently, her hand clasped tightly in his, and tears had stung at his eyes, stupid happy fucking lucky tears. “I’m really happy but I have a lot of work to do, and I want- I want to do it. I’m ready to do it.”

“We both have work to do.” Kate had said gently her face twitching as she’d looked at Dr Harris. “I’m not sure if Anthony told you: I have some unresolved issues with my own father’s death.”

It was the first time she’d really said it so bluntly, both of them owning who they were so openly. Even though his gut instinct was to run away whenever it prickled at him, that paralysing fear, this time he forced himself to stay.

“That must be difficult for you both. To see your own concerns reflected in your partner.” It wasn’t a question, just a soft statement, gently hanging in the air between them. “But there’s sameness there, shared connection.”

Anthony had shaken his head. “It wasn’t difficult for me before, I don’t… I didn’t view Kate the same way as I view myself.” She’s not broken. Or maybe she is, maybe we all are.

Dr Harris had tilted her head, scrawling something in her book. “Why not?”

“I just don’t.”

“You both went through a traumatic event that resulted in the loss of a parent you cared deeply for. You both still struggle with this, understandably so, but why are you different?”

It had stung at him, his jaw clenched as he fought for the words to explain why he would always have a piece of himself missing, and no one else would, no one else should, why everyone else healed and he didn’t. “I don’t think Kate… deserves to feel the way I do.”

“And you do?” He hadn’t known what to say, so he’d stared back at her, trying to avoid Kate’s eyes, the shame welling in his chest despite her hand on the back of his neck, comforting him. “Perhaps it’s time to start thinking about why you accept less for yourself than the people you love, Anthony.”

There was something so raw in the way they knew one another now, in the openness between them. In the way Kate’s smile was pressed against his skin, in the way her fingers intertwined with his. In the way they clung to one another as they moved together, desperate and open and honest, two people who knew every inch of one another in a way they hadn’t before. Vulnerable and open and honest. So that’s what he was doing now. Unable to hold it in any longer. 

“Kate, I’m tired of saying someday I’ll do things.” He let it seep from his body with a shuddered breath as he gently turned her to face him, letting his forehead fall against hers. “I love you. I love you so much, and I nearly died, I could have, god knows I was fucking dying without you. And I know I hurt you Kate, and I’ve no right to expect we still want the same things, but I want to marry you, today.”

“Anthony, I-”

He took another shuddering breath, his fingers intertwined with hers, “If you need time, I can give that to you, I owe it to you, and I know I have so much work to do, but from the second we met: you’ve been my wife.”

Kate stared back at him for a long moment, her lips just touching his as they breathed together, her heartbeat pressed against his, steady and sure, locked together as they always were now. Suddenly she cleared her throat, pulling back, her hands shaking as she picked up her phone from the sofa beside them, panic clawing at Anthony’s chest as her fingers moved over the screen.

“Kate-”

She shook her head gently, her fingers pressed against is lips, cutting him off as she held her phone to her ear, waiting for it to connect while his heart raced. 

“Mary,” Her voice was quiet, her fingers leaving his lips, tracing over his cheekbones while a small smile grew on her face. “Yeah I’m okay, I’m great actually. Mary, I’m getting married today.”

And Anthony couldn’t stop the tears in his eyes as he darted forward, pressing their lips together for a long moment, his heart pounding away just for her, just for the woman who’d saved him so many times in so many different ways. 

His chest was pounding, had been all day. Had been as he’d called his Mum, tears in his eyes with Kate nestled against his chest, her smile pressed against his neck.

“Anthony, Darling, is something wrong?”

She’d been so worried, for so long, he knew, and that was hard to switch off. Anthony hadn’t been able to keep the smile off his face. “Nothing’s wrong, everything’s perfect. I’m getting married at five in Kensington Gardens. You can let everyone know right?”

There’d been silence on the other end for a long moment before his mother had let out a shuddering breath. “Five? The fifth of when? And I’m very happy for you, by the way.” Anthony had laughed at his mother’s slightly harried tone as she sighed. “It had better not be of July, Anthony, there’s so much to plan!” 

“No Mum, five o’clock today.” 

His laughter had drowned out her gasp of Anthony Bridgerton you had better be joking! I’ve no time to plan anything!

His heart had hammered in his chest as he’d stood in Harrods with Kate’s hands over his eyes as they made their way through, humming happily.

“I’m going to trip and fall, and then what will you do when your husband’s no longer handsome?”

Kate had sighed in his ear, “Do I have a handsome husband? I mean… you’re okay, in the right light, if you squint.”

He’d rolled his eyes behind her hands. “Cute, that’s really cute, Sharma.” 

“You won’t be able to call me that for much-Oh!” Her voice had cut off with a sharp gasp, tugging him to the left.

“Oh what?” 

“Oh I found the dress I think but…” Her voice had trailed off a little. “But it’s way too expensive.”

Anthony had scoffed, poking back in the direction of her ribs and missing completely “Try on the dress, Katie.”

He’d stood outside the changing room, barely even feeling ridiculous with his hand over his eyes, a huge grin pin his face, sure people were staring, not caring if they were. “Does it look amazing?”

Kate’s voice lilting back to him, a little sadly, “Yeah it does. It’s still to expensive. It’s one dress, it’s one day.”

“Come out, I promise I won’t look.”

“You had better have your eyes closed when I get out there, Buzz!”

His stomach had fluttered at the nickname. “Cross my heart, hope to die!” He’d spun around, away from the entrance to the dressing room, his eyes scanning for the employee who’d been lowering nearby. “Excuse me, Miss?”

She’d looked up a little startled, “Can I help you?”

Anthony had nodded, “Yeah there’s a girl standing in the entrance there right?” He waited for the bewildered looking girl to nod. “We are getting married in a few hours so I can’t look at the dress, does she look absolutely beautiful?”

The girl’s expression softened as she looked past him, a small smile on her lips, “She does, yes.”

Anthony clicked his tongue, placing his hand back over his eyes as he turned back towards Kate. “We’re getting the dress, my Wifey’s getting the dress she wants.” And when he felt her lips press against his a few moments later, he knew he’d never even care about anything else. Honestly, now, hours later, he still had no idea how much the dress had even cost.

His heart had been stuttering when he’d stood in front of his mother, letting him tie the tie around his neck that his father had worn at his own wedding, her eyes soft.

“This is a big day, Anthony.” She’d hummed, her hands fitting with his hair gently. “Are you ready?”

He’d nodded, “I know I still have work to do, and Kate knows it as well, but I’m ready to be her husband, Mum. I’m not going to hurt her again, I promise.”

She’d had tears in her eyes, when she’d stared back at him, kissing his cheek. “I’m proud of you, Anthony. And your Dad would have been as well. What you’ve been through, what both you’ve been through isn’t easy, but you’re trying. And that’s what’s important.”

“I love you, Mum.” He’d wrapped his arms tightly around her, breathing deeply while the tears stung at his eyes. “Thanks for not giving up on me.”

“You’re my son, Anthony. I’d never give up on you.” His heart had clenched at her words as she’d kissed his cheek. “But I’m glad to have you back.”

He’d had tears streaming down his face as he’d stood next to the officiant for their (not quite legal) wedding, knowing they’d have to do it all over again in a month when their marriage license came through, not caring about anything but the woman walking towards him.

He’d been struck by Kate Sharma the very first time he’d seen her, but this was something else. He’d nearly had to take a staggering step backwards, the wind knocked out of him as she walked towards him in a white cocktail dress, flowers embroidered in the skirt and sleeves just like the ones in her hair, her smile bright and beautiful she she’d finally reached him and he hadn’t been able to stop himself. He’d caught her hand, tugging her firmly against him, his lips finding hers a little desperately despite every member of their families were watching, despite the fact the ceremony hadn’t even started yet. 

“You’re supposed to wait until after, buddy!” Benedict’s voice had called out, earning him a swift slap from Sophie. 

But Anthony had just shaken his head, his forehead against Kate’s “You ready?”

“I’m so ready.”

Tears had been streaming down his face when they’d been announced man and (almost) wife, his hand shaking as he slid the ring head never been able to let go of to its rightful place, resting on his wife’s finger. His chest had felt tight as she’d slid the band onto his finger, his heart pounding in his chest with love for her as their lips had met again as their families cheered. And now here Anthony was, sitting on the sofa in his living room where just weeks ago he’d been so helpless, now watching his new wife dancing across the room with Edwina and Josie, her head tilted back, laughter filling the room. And he couldn’t quite believe it was real.

“Anthony.” Mary’s voice was gentle as she settled beside him, and if he hadn’t known her better, known her for so long he might have missed what this truly was. “It’s good to see you looking so well.”

Their relationship was still strained, of course it was, and he didn’t even blame her. She’d been the one to clean up the mess he made, she’d seen it all first hand, and he’d never be anything but thankful to her that she was still here, still supporting Kate. Even when she likely thought this was a mistake. “Thank you, and thank you for coming today. It means a lot to Kate.”

Mary hummed quietly, her fingers drumming on her arm. “Well, she’s my daughter, Anthony. I would pick her up and put her back on her feet a million times if that’s what she needed. Of course.” Her voice turned a little pointed, “I hope that won’t be necessary.”

Anthony shook his head desperately, his eyes begging with her, “No, Mary, it won’t be.”

“Anthony I know you were going through a lot, and you still are and I don’t hold that against you, in fact I support your journey, but you did hurt Kate. And I swear to god, if you use the fact that this isn’t legal yet to-”

“Kate’s my wife now. Kate’s my wife, and I’m not running away anymore, Mary. I truly did believe that she deserved more than me, that eventually she would see but I- Neither of us were better off. It doesn’t make it okay, but I was dying without her. I was-” He swallowed convulsively, shutting his eyes against the memory of the thoughts that had dogged him in the weeks leading up to that accident, voices screaming in his head. “I wasn’t in a good place before that accident. And I’ll always be thankful to it for showing me that I still had a lot left to give.”

Mary stared back at him for a long moment, her eyes darting to Kate who was waving back at them, so beautiful and bright and happy. The way she always should be. “Maybe she did deserve better: but she didn’t want it.” 

“I’ll be the person she deserves Mary, I promise.” 

Mary smiled gently, kissing his cheek, “I hope that’s true, Anthony, Edwina had a very detailed plan for the disposal of your body that I wouldn’t necessarily prevent her from enacting were we to do this a second time.”

It should have been terrifying but it only made him laugh, his eyes darting to his new sister in law across the room, currently tugging at Kate’s hair laughing about something as Josie rolled her eyes. “That doesn’t surprise me at all.”

“For now my baby’s happy, and that’s enough for me. Congratulations, Anthony.”

She moved away, off in the direction of his mother but Anthony didn’t have time to watch her go.

“Mr Bridgerton you look very sad over here.” Kate’s arms draped over his shoulders, her lips brushing his ear sending a shiver down his spine. “Not getting cold feet are you? I think you’re supposed to do that before the wedding.”

Anthony chuckled, turning his head to catch her lips, his thumb brushing over the ring on her finger, pride practically beaming put of him. “My feet are almost too warm. What about you Mrs Bridgerton? Feet getting cold.”

Kate hummed faux contemplatively, her eyes shining at him. “Never.”

“I’m very glad to hear it.” He found her lips again, moving together softly, hearts beating together as one. “Come dance with me, Wifey.”

And truly, as they swayed together in the corner of their living room with their families all around them, and Kate’s chin on his shoulder: Anthony had never felt closer to whole.

June 2025

“Neddy, sweetheart slowdown.”

It wasn’t even an admonishment, it never could be, as her son’s tiny footsteps thundered down the corridor at the sound of the front door opening.

“Papa!”

“Ahhhh! There’s my Sprout!” The sound of Anthony’s bag hitting the floor in the corridor was drowned out by the sound of his roar as he caught Edmund in his arms as he launched himself forward, Newton barking excitedly at their feet.

It was still so difficult to believe this was truly her life sometimes, even now, even four years on from the summer she’d spent as the broken woman who couldn’t get out of bed while the rain thundered around her. Because when she looked at Anthony now, grinning delightedly at their son, his lips pressing against his forehead before he gasped delightedly as Edmund told him the story of how they’d gone to the park today to play fetch with Newton, how she’d gotten him an ice cream for the drive home: he barely even looked like the man who’d broken her heart.

It hadn’t been easy, some days it still wasn’t, and maybe getting married so soon hadn’t always been the wisest decision, but they’d both wanted so desperately. Been so committed to bettering themselves and their relationship, total honesty between them it hadn’t mattered.

Kate could still remember, the first time Anthony had come home, when they’d been married barely a month, and she’d just known he wasn’t there. She’d seen it before, his eyes would drift off, and his mouth would tighten into a hard line, even if just for a moment, only then she hadn’t known what it was. She’d naively brushed it off as disinterest or discontent and now she knew better. And this time was worse.

He’d practically burst through the door, so suddenly she’;d wandered into the hallway, already worried for him, already on edge, something wary in her own countenance that had broken completely the moment she’d seen him. Anthony had been hunkered against the front door, sweat beading on his forehead, shoulders heaving as he gasped for breath, his wedding ring stark against the pale skin of the hand that shook as he tried to loosen his tie. 

“Buzz, what-?”

Anthony had gasped desperately, shaking his head, as he’d fallen to the floor. “Shut yourself in the room upstairs.”

Her brow had furrowed as she’d taken a tentative step forward. “No, tell me what happened?”

A wounded noise had escaped him as his head had fallen to his hands, “Please Kate, please just go. I can’t let you see this.”

She’d fallen to her knees in front of him, her chest aching for him as his anxiety overwhelmed him, dragging him down in the spiral that was too familiar to her. Drowning, miles from the ocean. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I said Go!” It was nearly a sharp snap, flinching away from her outstretched hand, and a year ago she would have listened, a year ago she would have run upstairs, her heart pounding and left him alone. But she’d told him she wasn’t that person anymore, and it was time for him to see her stand her ground.

“We don’t go anymore, Anthony. Remember?” She taken his hands in hers, intertwining their fingers before she pressed one of his hands to her heart beat, steady and calm despite herself, and the other to his own, pending away. “You can feel that can’t you?”

Anthony’s eyes had flown open, melting against her touch, his forehead pressed to hers, eyes desperate, nodding desperately. 

“I’m staying right here, and you’re here with me. Take a deep breath, Anthony.” She waited for his breathing to rattle in time with hers, slowly steadily in time with hers as the seconds ticked by. “That’s perfect, Buzz.” 

She had no idea how long they stayed locked together on the floor of the corridor, breathing in sync, but she would have stayed there forever if it helped him, with it brought him back to her.

“Someone ran a red light, nearly clipped the car in front of me.” Anthony said shakily after a long while, his breath shuddering in his chest.” “And I- I couldn’t- I can’t- it was too close, I could have left you.”

Kate shook her head. “You’re never leaving me, Anthony. Not now.”

Tears had been running down his cheeks, a desperate gasp of air drawn onto his lungs, “I’m so sorry, I’ll be better, Kate. I can be better than this.”

Kate had tilted his chin up until he was forced to look her in the eye, forced him to feel the weight of her words. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Just stay with me, okay? Just stay right here.”

“I love you.” It had been so gentle, pressed into the crook of her neck, that it had brought tears to her own eyes. 

“I love you too.”

They both still had days when it was easier to hide. Even when she’d discovered she was pregnant with Edmund, barely four months after their wedding, even with the desperate happy tears that had slid down their faces, even when they’d held their baby for the first time on their wedding anniversary: It was work. But work that Kate would do, a thousand, million times over for this. For Anthony, and their sons, and the life they had together. The life where she was loved so desperately, despite everything. 

Part of her, a tiny, awful, ugly part of her, had been waiting for Anthony to find her wanting, for everyone to find her wanting in some way. Even the mother who’d chosen her. She’d thought that one day she’d do something big enough and ugly enough and the love she seemed to crave deep in her should would be taken from her. It was why she’d believed Anthony so readily when he’d told her he didn’t want her: Because the life they had was fantasy, not reality. But she’d been wrong, maybe the only time in her life she’d been glad to be so. Because Anthony knew everything about her, her deepest fears and insecurities, and he still loved her, he chose her, every day. Just as she chose him. And she’d never want more than that.

“Mummy has a surprise!” Edmund’s tiny voice carried down the hallway to her, her heart leaping in her chest with a stuttered curse as Anthony’s eyes locked with hers. 

He was still so handsome, maybe more so now than the first day she’d seen him in that warehouse. His hair was greying a the temples, his beard that had once been speckled with auburn had the slightest hint of grey creeping in, his smile still the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen when he caught sight of her, tucking his arm around her waist as he brought his lips to hers, ignoring Edmund’s Yuck!

“Does Mummy have a surprise for me?” 

Kate rolled her eyes, shaking her head though her heart was racing a million miles an hour. Well, that’s what you get for blurting the news out to a two year old, Kate. 

Well, technically, Edwina had blurted it out, unable to think of a lie to tell Josie who’d walked in a little stunned, Edmund on her hip, this afternoon to find them hunkered over several pregnancy tests and a pint of ice cream. But Kate supposed she bore a small responsibility there for answering Edmund’s What does preg-a-nint mean? With a sigh and It means you’re getting a new little brother or sister.

“Nope, sorry. You’ll have to go to your mistress for that.”

Anthony scoffed, brushing their lips together again with his hand over Edmund’s eyes as he let out a disgusted noise again. “Mistress? One Wifey’s more than this bee can take and you know it.”

“It’s true you aren’t as young as you used to be. Little less Buzz.” She hummed thoughtfully, fighting the smirk that rose on her lips at Anthony’s indignant expression.

“A little less Buzz?! That is an absolute bloody-”

“I’m getting baby brother!” Edmund crowed, fighting off Anthony’s hand over his eyes with a cheeky grin. “Auntie Eddie told Auntie Josie she’s preg-a-nint!”

Anthony froze, his brow furrowing and Kate could have groaned as his mouth opened and closed several times before he said- “Neddy, if Auntie Eddie’s having another baby which is… soon that would be your cousin. Like Jem is.”

He had a slightly horrified expression on his face, clearly not over having to deliver his nephew in December, even if it did win him back Edwin’s trust and earn him a namesake. Jeremy Anthony Sharma-Bagwell.

Kate had to bite her lip to stop the laughter that was rising in her throat as Edmund tutted impatiently, staring back at Anthony like a mirror, the same crease between their eyebrows. Perfectly alike in their disgruntlement.

“No, Mummy’s growing me a brother. She said! She said she’s making it!”

Anthony spun back towards her so quickly he nearly fell over, his eyes searching hers, “Kate?”

She stared back at him for a long moment, not bothering to fight the smile any longer before she turned to her sin, brushing his unruly mop of curly hair back from his forehead with a sigh. “Neddy, we talked about this,” She watched as Anthony’s face fell, trying not to look too disappointed. “It might not be a brother, it might be a sister.”

Anthony had her crushed against his chest in seconds, his lips finding hers a little desperately, locking them together even as their son sighed between them, eventually just resting his chin on Kate’s shoulder. 

“I love you, so fucking much Kate.” Anthony was breathless when he pulled back, his hand pressed against her stomach where the tiny life was growing. 

Kate could feel the tears pricking at her eyes, her chest aching for the fact if things had been different, if she’d been different, if Anthony had never had that accident, she would have missed all of this. Their life together. “I love you too. Just like this, Just us, forever.”

“Forever.”

Edmund’s tiny sigh, far too exasperated for two years old whipped past her ear. “Not just us, My new brother is coming! Mummy said! And Papa, you sad a bad word, so you have to kiss Mummy!”

And Anthony’s smile was still the most beautiful think she’d ever seen. Happy, and healthy, and whole. All of them.