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Chapter Text

> Davesprite: STRIFE!

Your name is DAVE STRIDER. Okay, maybe that's not completely true. Technically, your name is DAVESPRITE, because of shenanigans with a doomed timeline, and as such, you are part bird and part sprite. At the current moment, you are engaged in a battle against JACK NOIR, the rogue agent terrorizing your session, and you are aided by your BRO and his puppet, LIL' CAL. Jack is incredibly fast, and you can't hit him despite your ability to manipulate time. Maybe this would be easier if you hadn't given up your Caledscratch to the real Dave, because now you're stuck with this USELESS PIECE OF SHIT that you stabbed a bird with all those months ago.

DAVESPRITE: why are there so many tentacles
DAVESPRITE: this is more phallic than your puppets somehow
DAVESPRITE: except i doubt this guy is doing it ironically

Steel against steel. Blade against blade. Fire blazes around you as you catch a glint of a RING OF ORBS FOURFOLD on Jack's finger. You know from some sort of sprite knowledge that the ring is what gives Jack his powers. If you could somehow manage to get that ring from Jack, you could possibly kill him. 

DAVESPRITE: hey bro
DAVESPRITE: check the ring
DAVESPRITE: thats whats giving jack all his power

Bro nods, and continues his clashing with Jack. The battle doesn't seem to change much from before you said anything, which is typical of your Bro, but maybe he's just waiting for the right time. You keep trying to get close enough to Jack's arm, but he's just too fast. It's probably the fault of both John prototyping that weird clown thing and Rose prototyping her cat and probably also Jade prototyping that bird. You're too cool to have any of this be your fault. Obviously. 

Jack's movements start to slow down. You hadn't expected this fight to go on so long, and Jack probably had done the same. He's tiring out. This would be the time where you'd expect something to go horribly wrong, like another prototyping; but the fight continues. Block after block. Slash after slash. Finally, an opportunity arises. Jack swings high, and Bro blocks, and you slash out directly through his ring finger, because you're cool like that. The ring falls away, and Jack's sword abruptly disappears, along with his tentacles, wings, and strange clown clothes. You raise your hand into a thumbs up, and then draw it across your neck.

DAVESPRITE: caw caw motherfucker

DEAD.

> John: Respond to this troll.

Hours in the past, but not many...

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you are being pestered by some troll again. It hasn't even been seconds since you got your new COSBYTOP, and the spider girl decided the first thing to do after an amazing reunion like this would be to troll you. She first yells at you about your amazing reunion, which is pretty annoying, but she does have a good point that you need to rescue Jade from an impending meteor. And then...

Well.

--- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] ---

AG: Look, you are a8out to make yourself a new outfit, and THEN you will fly up and install the game.
EB: oh...
EB: hmm, maybe.
EB: but you're probably going to send me some sort of girl clothes or something, putting you ahead in the prankster's gambit!
EB: i see through all of your tricks, spinneret!
EB: although that would be a fun prank to play on dave.
AG: What????????
AG: I already told you that was a roleplay name that I used when FLARPing.
AG: And why would I give you girl clothes, exactly?
EB: i don't know! probably just as some funny way of trolling.
EB: karkat wasn't that good at it, but terezi did get me killed that one time!
EB: who says you aren't trying to do something like that?
AG: Jegus, I'm just trying to actually follow the timeline!
AG: Seriously, it's a good thing I did decide to 8other you now. Otherwise you would go through the game looking like a little weenie 8oy-Skylark.
EB: what is a boy-skylark?
AG: It is the most terri8le, gutless class for wimpy losers, ones who have no idea how to handle themselves when a girl talks to them and stuff.
EB: oh, i remember passing something like that on my eche-ladder a while ago.
EB: but it said girl-skylark for some reason?
AG: ........
AG: Are you trying to prank me, John, or are you actually 8eing serious a8out that?
EB: i may be an avid prankster, but i wouldn't lie about that!
AG: Well, either way, that rung is 8eneath you, John.
AG: You are clearly much better than that. You should dress like it.
EB: who cares what i dress like? it is what's inside the adventurer that counts.
AG: Hahahahahahahaha!
AG: I watched you actually say that with a str8 f8ce. Oh my god.
AG: Maybe if you did some self-reflection you'd actually dress well.
AG: Especially with what you've said a8out wearing "girl clothes".
EB: what?
EB: no, i would use them to prank dave.
EB: he would be so surprised to see such a hot girl and then it would really be me in disguise!
EB: it would be so hilarious.
AG: Hmm. Do you like this Dave or something?
EB: no!
EB: i am not a homosexual.
EB: are you trying to say that i want to wear girl clothes for myself?
AG: All I'm saying is that trolls are an extremely fashion-minded race, John. You should make a note of this, since you pretend to 8e a scientist or something.
EB: ha ha, it sounds like you have a really lame culture.
AG: John, that is an outr8geous thing to say. You don't even know how important the fashions are, so 8e quiet.
EB: laaaaaaaame.
AG: Look at that! You counted out 8 a's for me, John! That is so thoughtful of you.
EB: oh, ha ha...
EB: i didn't even count, it just...
EB: turned out like that.
AG: Really????????
EB: yeah.
AG: <33333333
EB: er...
EB: ok, anyway, i will make a new suit, but i am not ditching my ectosuit!!!
EB: it is so sweet, i look like link, if zelda was a quest about an elf scientist.
EB: i am the wind waker. it's me.
AG: I know you are, John.
AG: Now empty out your sylladex and let's see what sort of killer gear we can make for you. We've already wasted enough time.

You completely empty your sylladex, spilling out a load of mushrooms, gears, stone tablets - oh, there's the PDA that you misplaced earlier, it was in your sylladex the whole time! Maybe you didn't even need to make the Cosbytop. Except you absolutely did, because the Cosbytop is awesome. There's also that weird blade umbrella that you made a while ago, and a weird firefly stuck in amber. It's a very strange mix of items, and AG makes sure to point that out when she commentates on it. She also acts really weird when you point out your frog, but maybe that's some weird troll culture thing like how they hate cleaning products for some reason.

AG: John, I have sent you two outfits. One's the normal one, and the other is the "girl clothes" you specifically requested.
EB: i did not specifically request anything! i already told you, i am not a homosexual!
AG: You keep saying "homosexual". Is that the human word for being trans?
EB: it is like, when a boy loves another boy.
EB: or when a girl loves another girl i guess.
EB: is that what "being trans" means?
AG: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
AG: You actually have a specific word for that?
EB: you don't?
AG: Why would I have a specific word to say that I've dated a girl or two?
AG: Human culture is weird.
AG: But no, being trans is when........
AG: Well, to put it simply, although may8e not completely accurately, it's when someone is 8orn as a 8oy but decides to 8e a girl later on in life, or vice versa.
EB: You can just do that?
AG: Of course! There's nothing stopping you. Anyway, try on the outfits already. You need to get Jade into the game!

You use your sylladex to get into the outfit AG labelled "Ascended 8oy-Skylark". It feels... boring, really. A pair of red sneakers, some jeans, a tee shirt, and another shirt. You were picturing something more adventurey. Maybe the "Ascended Girl-Skylark" outfit has promise? AG is yelling at you to hurry up, saying something like "go" eight times. You elect to ignore her for a little bit, and change into the other outfit. However, you find that the outfit is just as boring as your first one. The only difference is that the jeans are substituted for a green skirt, and you now have a clip in your hair. Hey, at least this one is slightly more interesting.

Your PDA starts buzzing along with your Cosbytop's incessant pinging, and you're reminded why you shoved that thing in the back of your sylladex. One thing giving you constant notifications from trolls was annoying, but two was even worse. You decide to captchalogue your computer due to the PDA being easier to talk with when flying, and then you blast off.

EB: marquise bossyfangs mcsekret, this has been a lot of fun, even though your outfits aren't as adventurey as id expected...
EB: but i have to go talk to my pals now, and also rescue jade!
AG: Fuck that.
AG: This is a really hot look for you, John. It makes you look a million times more cool, instead of some kind of overa8sconding daggerlance fl8ling pansy.
AG: Although I thought you said the alternate outfit was to prank your friends?
EB: oh, i'm still wearing that, aren't i?
EB: i just wanted to see how it looked.
AG: Sure you did.
AG: Anyway, go save your friend.
AG: I am in complete control of your timeline, and that's what needs to happen next!
EB: oh yeah. sure, if you say so.
AG: We will not speak again for a while. 8ut for me it will only 8e a moment. AG: I do not envy the Serketless coldspell you are a8out to endure, John.
EB: aha, so that's what your name is!
EB: serket something.
EB: or something serket.
AG: Gr8. I wanted that to say a sekret for a while longer.
EB: oh i get it now! secret and serket.
EB: you're funny.
EB: how long will you be silent for?
AG: Calm down! It will only 8e a couple of hours or so.
AG: Sweet Jegus, I have clearly done a num8er on you to engender such a frothing o8session so quickly.
AG: Not surprising. It's just the 8urden that comes with 8eing so damned awesome. 8ut you will figure that out soon enough, 8ecause I have you well on your way.
EB: ha ha, i guess...
AG: Phase two of my program for you 8egins in a little while.
AG: In the meantime, try not to get corrupted 8y anyone too lame. Especially no8ody with 8rown text or gray text, or any shit ugly color at all for that matter.
AG: I'd especially advise you to avoid Tavros.
EB: who's tavros?
AG: Only the 8iggest 8oy-skylark you could ever meet!
AG: Trust me, John, you don't want to talk to him.
EB: ok, i will try.
EB: thanks for all the help. bye, ms. serket!
AG: 8ye, John........
AG: W8.
AG: John what?
EB: Anderson.
AG: Ok. Til next time, Mr. Anderson.
EB: (hehehehehehehehe)

--- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] ---

You continue blasting off into the sky, and decide to pester Dave, your server player's server player. He's doing something weird with time travel, and has apparently been messing with a stock exchange for three days! Also, he took all of your boondollars. You hope he actually pays you back, but knowing Dave, he's probably not going to do it for ironic reasons. He's also been talking to more trolls like you have. You wonder if maybe you should contact the one Vriska told you not to, and perhaps prank him. Vriska wouldn't mind you talking to someone for a prank, right? If you recall, she mentioned someone with "brown or gray text", and since you already know the grey text is Karkat, that means that the Tavros guy must be adiosToreador.

You've got the perfect idea for a prank, based on a name Vriska called you earlier and a few prank ideas you've been muddling in your mind for a while. This troll will never see it coming.

---ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering adiosToreador [AT]---

EB: hello, tavros.
AT: wHO ARE YOU?
EB: oh, that's simple.
EB: my name is june.

Chapter Text

Davesprite: Get trolled.

--- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] ---

AA: y0u are the alternate dave, c0rrect?
AA: i see y0u have enc0untered jack n0ir.
AA: i am surprised y0u were able t0 defeat him.
TG: well thats an excellent way to start a conversation
TG: just going to some guy and saying "wow you sucked ass less than i expected"
TG: although what should i expect
TG: the alpha me is probably talking with tz right now and being insulted the same way
TG: honestly cant stand that girl she doomed my entire timeline
TG: dont know why alpha dave tolerates her
AA: i ap0l0gize f0r disapp0inting y0u again then
AA: seeing as y0u have just d00med this entire timeline as well
TG: youre fucking with me right
TG: if me killing that guy doomed the entire timeline than why were we trying to fight against him
TG: was it some of that sburban bullshit that we were destined to lose
TG: i hate that shit
TG: like "oh sorry you tried your best but the game didnt want that to happen"
TG: "sucks to be you i guess"
AA: ribbit
AA: y0u were supp0sed to fall at first
AA: jack w0uld have abs0rbed the p0wer 0f the first guardian
AA: and subsequently defeat y0u and y0ur human lusus
AA: as well as cause my sessi0ns defeat 0n the vict0ry platf0rm
AA: but n0w the parad0x can n0t be res0lved
TG: ...
TG: youve got to be kidding me
TG: so theres no way to fix it?
TG: without going into another timeline cause i already did that and its not fun
TG: like straight up not a good time
AA: there is 0ne p0ssibility
AA: but y0u might n0t like it very much
TG: listen i dont want to be responsible for another doomed timeline
TG: so ill be fine with pretty much anything
AA: y0u still have the ring, c0rrect?
AA: y0u are a game c0nstruct, s0 it is p0ssible f0r y0u t0 pr0t0type y0urself
AA: and then act 0ut what jack n0ir w0uld have d0ne in the alpha timeline
AA: we may be able t0 fix the parad0xes that way
TG: hold on
TG: that doesnt include killing my friends does it
TG: cause thats not something that i want to do
TG: i specifically came to this timeline due to egbert getting killed
TG: dont want that to happen again
AA: b0th times that your c0-players need t0 die are due to waking up as an alternate self
TG: no
AA: i understand if y0u need m0re time.
AA: human culture d0es n0t like kindly t0 the death 0f 0nes fellow human
AA: just kn0w that it is the 0nly way t0 fix the timeline
TG: ...
TG: john will be fine, right
AA: j0hn will be 0kay.
TG: good
TG: what do i need to do

Tavros: Talk with the blue human.

Your name is TAVROS NITRAM, and you may have messed up your entire last conversation. How were you supposed to know that the strange adult human was Jade's lusus, and not the fluffy barkbeast that she was playing next to? Human culture is very strange. Or maybe Vriska was right, and you simply can't talk with anyone without screwing it up. Maybe you should just stop talking to them altogether.

You look at Vriska across the room. She has a cerulean blush plastered across her face, probably talking to that blue human again. What was his name? It was John, right? It doesn't really matter, seeing as Vriska probably told him not to talk to you. The red human also probably hates you considering his reaction when you first tried to troll him. Maybe you could talk with the purple human, seeing she was nice when you asked her how to troll the red one, but you might just screw it up again.

A Trollian message snaps you out of the anxious haze you had trapped yourself in. It's from the blue human, slightly earlier in the timeline, from before Jade entered the game. Maybe this was before Vriska started talking to him, and the two of them could have a nice conversation without that blue girl getting in the way.

---ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering adiosToreador [AT]---

EB: hello, tavros.
AT: uMM, wHO ARE YOU?
EB: oh, that's simple.
EB: my name is june egbert, the heir of breath!

June? You thought this kid was named John, but you might have been wrong. Best to go along with it. You open up the viewport to see a girl clad in a strange outfit awfully similar to Vriska's, but instead of wearing a pair of jeans, she's wearing a skirt which is flapping around in the wind behind her. Well, you assume June uses she/her, given her name and outfit, but you could be wrong again. You should probably ask her.

AT: sO, wHY DID YOU MESSAGE ME?
EB: i just wanted to talk to someone!
EB: it gets boring just blasting off around here, looking for my nanna.
EB: and i can only talk so much to dave without me getting annoyed with all of his ironic talking.
AT: iS DAVE THE RED ONE?
EB: yeah!
EB: have you talked to him before?
AT: yES,
AT: hE WAS REALLY GOOD AT TROLLING,
AT: i ONLY TALKED TO HIM ONCE,
EB: yeah, dave can be a lot.
EB: but that's part of why i like him!
EB: not like, romantically or anything. i like him as a friend.
AT: hMMM,
AT: wELL. jUNE. i STILL DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD TALK TO ME SPECIFICALLY,
AT: bUT SINCE WE ARE. wHAT ARE YOUR PRONOUNS?
EB: um
EB: what do you mean?
EB: aren't those just a part of speech?
AT: wELL, iT'S WHAT YOU WANT PEOPLE TO REFER TO YOU AS.
AT: lIKE HOW I USE HE/HIM
AT: oR VRISKA USES SHE/HER
AT: iT'S ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT FOR US TRANS PEOPLE GIVEN A WHOLE LOT OF SOCIAL THINGS,
EB: oh, you're trans?
EB: that's pretty cool
EB: anyway, i guess i use she/her then
EB: (hehehehehehehehe)
AT: sO JUNE. wHAT DID YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
AT: sEEING AS YOU MESSAGED ME,
EB: i don't really know actually!
EB: i just felt like talking to someone for a bit.
EB: my nanna is really hard to find. she might be trying to prank me!
EB: oh but i remember, i think someone said all of you guys were living on a meteor together.
EB: how is that like? i've never been able to meet up with any of my friends before, besides online.
AT: wELL IT'S OKAY I GUESS,
AT: aLTHOUGH I DON'T THINK MANY PEOPLE LIKE ME,
AT: eSPECIALLY NOT VRISKA,
EB: aw, that's too bad.
EB: do you have any idea why? maybe if you knew your flaws, you could find a way to make them like you!

Well, you weren't expecting that to happen. You thought maybe the human would just talk to you and eventually go away after you screwed something up. But this human immediately went to paleflirting. You have no idea how to respond to this, your mouth suddenly agape. And then Vriska walks over to you.

Why is Vriska walking over to you? This is such a bad time for that! You try to remain calm, thinking about what Rufio would do in this scenario. You look back up at Vriska, who has almost reached your seat.

TAVROS: hELLO, VRISKA.
TAVROS: wHAT BRINGS YOU OVER HERE?
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha!
VRISKA: I can't 8elieve you would say something like that!
VRISKA: "What 8rings me over here"?
VRISKA: Have you 8een talking to your imaginary friend again?
VRISKA: Did he tell you to say the a8solute worst introductory line you could possibly say in this situ8ion?
TAVROS: uMM. nO,
VRISKA: He a8solutely did!
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha!
TAVROS: cAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?
TAVROS: yOU OBVIOUSLY HATE ME.
VRISKA: Of course not!
VRISKA: What human are you talking to that's making you 8lush like that?
VRISKA: It has to 8e a human, after all. I don't think anyone on this meteor could be flushed or pale for someone like you, and you don't h8 anyone enough to be pitch for them.
VRISKA: So which one? I 8et it's the green one.
TAVROS: iT'S NOT jADE,
TAVROS: i THINK SHE HATES ME TOO
VRISKA: What did you do, kill her lusus or something?
TAVROS: ...
VRISKA: JEGUS, DID YOU ACTUALLY KILL HER LUSUS????????
VRISKA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
VRISKA: 8h, this is hilari8us.
VRISKA: I haven't laughed like this in a l8ng time.

Suddenly, another ping comes through Trollian. You glance back at it, and see another message from June.

EB: i'm sorry, i wasn't thinking!
EB: that could be a sensitive topic.
EB: you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

You go to type a response, but Vriska looks over your shoulder as you start, and grabs your arm.

VRISKA: Oh, 8oy.
VRISKA: I warned him a8out talking to you.
VRISKA: I told him.
TAVROS: uMM-
VRISKA: I told him!
VRISKA: I told him about lowbloods!
TAVROS: vRISKA-
VRISKA: So John Anderson is waxing pale for someone like you?
VRISKA: Alright then, I'll just tell him a8out all of your failures over the years.

Vriska pulls out a tablet from her Sylladex, and starts tapping away. She's got a devious look in her eyes, but you have a feeling you know what Rufio would do in a situation like this. You're not just going to let Vriska misgender and deadname June like that. You might not have known her for long, but she already seems to have clicked with you enough to develop a palecrush and you're not going to let another friend down.

TAVROS: aCTUALLY, vRISKA, hER NAME IS jUNE.

Vriska looks up at you from the tablet, mid-type. She thumbs the side of it, and looks up, lost in thought for a moment.

VRISKA: Tavros.
VRISKA: John is a massive prankster.
VRISKA: He specifically asked me a 8it ago to help him with a prank, and it looks like you're the victim of it.
VRISKA: He found out your trollhandle, and pretended to 8e a girl 8y dressing up in that outfit I g8ve him.
VRISKA: Then, he messaged you and led you on like this, pretending to have a palecrush, and is probably going to prank you even more!
VRISKA: Jegus, Tavros, he even told me he was "not a homosexual". He doesn't even like guys.
VRISKA: I think you shouldn't talk to John anymore, from a friend to a friend.
VRISKA: You'll 8e 8etter off then.

You glance back at your computer, and see June (you're going to keep calling her that unless she says otherwise) looking at her PDA with a concerned expression on her face. You really need to get back to messaging her. As you look slightly closer, you think you can see her eyes tearing up.

VRISKA: It's laughable to see how easy he tricked you.
VRISKA: Don't you think he's an awful person for doing that?
VRISKA: Making fun of our culture by pretending to 8e trans.
VRISKA: Goodbye, Tavros. Have fun with your fake "girl"friend. I'm going to go do actually important things with him.

Tavros: Be John?

You're crying.

Why are you crying? You're John Egbert, god damn it, and you need to be bringing Jade into the game and not worrying about what Marquise Bossyfangs McSekret is saying. But your eyes keep going over those last few messages.

AG: Goodbye, Tavros.
AG: Have fun with your fake "girl"friend.
AG: I'm going to do actually important things with him.

You thought AG was cool. She gave you the new outfits, she seemed to have been helping you along. But then why would she send you this?

And why does being called a "fake girl" hurt so much? I mean, you are a fake girl, you're not a trans, you can't be. But still, the message feels like a stab through the heart.

Another pesterchum notification pings on your PDA, and you look at it through blurred eyes.

AT: jUNE, wHY ARE YOU CRYING?
AT: aRE YOU OKAY?
EB: i don't know
EB: is AG normally this mean
ectoBiologist sent adiosToreador "agMean.txt"
AT: oH,
AT: dID VRISKA DO A VOICE-TO-TEXT BY MISTAKE?
AT: tHAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY SHE LOOKS SO PANICKED IN FRONT OF HER COMPUTER RIGHT NOW,
EB: she's been trying to pester me nonstop ever since i started crying
EB: i don't even know why i'm crying everything she said was true i'm such a bad prankster
EB: even when my pranks are based on making friends i just end up hurting people
AT: jUNE,
AT: aCTUALLY FIRST,
AT: dO YOU STILL LIKE BEING CALLED THAT?
EB: yeah...
EB: even though that's not my actual name, you saying it calms me down a little bit.
EB: i'm not a trans though.
EB: i can't be.
AT: wELL, wHETHER YOU ARE OR NOT DOESN'T MATTER.
AT: yOU SHOULD USE WHATEVER FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU.
EB: hehe, thanks, tavros.
EB: now i feel really bad for starting this as a prank.

You take a few seconds to wipe the tears from your eyes.

EB: you know, tavros, you're a real nice person.
EB: i don't know why all of the other trolls don't like you.
EB: except for vriska, she probably doesn't like you because she's just mean.
AT: tHERE aRE a lOT oF oTHER rEASONS, tOO.
AT: iT sTARTED wHEN wE wERE pLAYING flarp tOGETHER.
AT: sHE kEPT tRYING tO fORCE mE tO fIGHT eNEMIES tHAT wERE tOO sTRONG
AT: aND wHEN i rEFUSED, sHE mADE mE jUMP oFF a cLIFF
AT: aND bROKE mY lEGS
AT: aND tHEN dURING tHE gAME, i kEPT dOING rANDOM sIDEQUESTS, bUT sHE dIDN'T lIKE tHAT.
AT: aND wHEN i fINALLY hAD tHE cHANCE tO bE uSEFUL tO hER fOR oNCE, i fAILED.
EB: oh.

Alright. Time to utilize those therapist strategies you picked up from Rose. Speaking of which, she just messaged you, but you'll deal with that later.

EB: well, it looks like maybe vriska doesn't care about you at all!
EB: she just wants to break your boundaries because she wants you to be like her.
EB: but it's better to be yourself.
AT: tHANKS fOR tHE hELP, bUT i'VE gOT tO gO nOW.
AT: i'LL tROLL yOU lATER
EB: bye!

You look up from your PDA, ready to get Jade into this game already. Instead, you get a pie to the face.

Chapter Text

DAVESPRITE: Put on ring.

You're not completely sure about this. Yes, being able to prototype yourself would be extremely helpful in your goal to save the timeline - necessary, in fact. However, you're a little bit scared. You saw what Jack was like when he was prototyped, and you don't want to end up like him. You steel yourself, making sure to remember you can always take it back off if you need to, and then slip the ring on your finger.

The changes start instantly. A pair of dog ears sprout from the top of your head, somehow perfectly accommodated by the ugly-ass clown hat that appeared there. Two tentacles sprout from your back, and one instantly gets tangled with one of your wings. A cat tail grows from your back, the same color as your now shoulder-length hair. Finally, a green crackling energy begins to surround your entire body, and memories that you don't remember ever experiencing fill your head. Memories of a bunch of grey-skinned people with horns, bickering among each other. Memories of viewing the clouds above Skaia as you waited in Prospit's moon for your friend to wake up. Memories of throwing John out of the way of said moon right before it crashed into the planet, taking you with it.

Yeah, you've got some questions for a few different people.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: john
TG: john
TG: john what did you prototype jade's sprite with
TG: john i swear to jegus

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

Okay, if John doesn't want to answer, you could probably ask Jade. It's her sprite that was prototyped, after all.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

TG: hey jade
TG: what did you prototype your sprite with
TG: jaaaade
TG: ugh

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

If no one is going to answer you, then you should just get all this done with. Aradia gave you her first task, and you don't want to think about being responsible for dooming the timeline you tried to save.

Time to destroy a victory platform.

NEPETA: Give relationship advice.

VRISKA: Ugh, I already regret asking you for help.
NEPETA: :33 < *nepeta tilts her head to the side, confused*
NEPETA: :33 < but i'm the one on this meowteor with the most romance knowledge!
NEPETA: :33 < if you didn't come to me, who would you go to?
VRISKA: I could just deal with this myself.
VRISKA: Or ask Karkat, he always claims to know so much about romance.
NEPETA: :33 < All Karkitty knows is bad romcoms. :(
NEPETA: :33 < Asking him for romance advice is like asking tabbros to teach you how to fight!
VRISKA: See, that's the main pro8lem.
VRISKA: I ruined my rel8tionship with one of the humans, and it's all fucking Tavros' fault!
VRISKA: If he hadn't been a little 8itch and fallen for John's pranks -
VRISKA: Oh, and John himself, too, palewise -
VRISKA: I wouldn't have completely ruined any connection I had with that 8lue idiot!

You take a few seconds to think over Vriska's main points. Not because you need to figure out what to do, but because your shipping chart needs updating again. Your mind races. You had a feeling Vriska had a flushcrush on the John human, but now it might be turning pitch, but also Vriska still seems to be pitch for Tavros. And then Tavros is pale for that same human! That's a lot of mental notes to take, but this is going to be so much fun.

NEPETA: :33 < well i think-

Suddenly, another troll barges in through the door into your lair.

TAVROS: uMM, nEPETA, 1 m1GHT nEED sOME hELP
VRISKA: Oh, HELL no.
VRISKA: You are not going to COMPLETELY RUIN my rel8tionship with John and then cl8im YOU need help.
TAVROS: oH, 1S tH1S a bAD t1ME?
TAVROS: 1'M sORRY.

Tavros glances between you and Vriska, and starts backing back out of the room. Vriska glares at him, and you're half convinced she's staring at him with more hate than a kismessitude should have.

VRISKA: You'd 8etter 8e.
VRISKA: And what's with the sudden quirk change, huh?
VRISKA: John 8etter not 8e the one 8ehind it.
TAVROS: 1'M nOT tALKING tO yOU uNLESS yOU uSE hER aCTUAL nAME.
VRISKA: I thought we already established this. John's 8een pranking you this entire time.
VRISKA: You're just too much of a wimpy 8oy-skylark to admit it.
TAVROS:
VRISKA:
TAVROS:
VRISKA: Say something, gogdamn it!
TAVROS:
VRISKA: DO I HAVE TO M8K YOU TALK?
VRISKA: 8ECAUSE I FUCKING WILL!!!!!!!!

You can sense what's about to happen before it does. Maybe it's due to some sort of heightened cat senses, maybe it's just your affinity for romance, but as soon as Vriska tries to pull the Flourite Octet out of her strife deck, you swipe out with your claws and knock seven of the eight dice out of her hands. Slipping the eighth into your sweatshirt's sleeve, you then reach backwards and wrench Tavros' lance out of his hand and toss it across to the opposite side of the room as the dice.

NEPETA: :33 < *nepeta glares at the other two trolls, ashamed of their immediate tendency towards violence*
NEPETA: :33 < why don't we catually talk instead of killing each other, okay?
NEPETA: :33 < *nepeta gestures to the comfy cushions on the floor*

Vriska stares at you, eyes wide. Her face flares with a blush. It looks like she didn't think you had the capability to break up a fight that well, but that was expected since the two of you hadn't really talked much during the game. She eventually sat down on the floor, and Tavros did the same.

NEPETA: :33 < alright, we're going to work out your issues one at a time.
NEPETA: :33 < vriskers, you said something about tabbros ruining you human relationship,
VRISKA: He a8solutely did!
VRISKA: It's all his fault, and-
NEPETA: :33 < shush!
NEPETA: :33 < okay, now tabbros, what did you that vriskers says ruined this relationship?
TAVROS: wELL, 1 d1D1N'T rEALLY dO aNYTH1NG,
TAVROS: vR1SKA wAS tALK1NG tO mE aND sHE lEFT a vO1CE tO tEXT tHING oN,
TAVROS: sO jUNE hEARD a wHOLE lOT oF 1NSULT1NG tH1NGS tHAT vR1SKA sA1D
NEPETA: :33 < ooh, who's june? :)
TAVROS: tHE bLUE hUMAN,
TAVROS: sHE sA1D hER nAME wAS "jUNE eGBERT",
VRISKA: Don't listen to Tavros, he has no idea what he's talking a8out.
VRISKA: John was talking to me 8efore he ever talked with Tavros, and asked for some girl clothes to play a prank on someone.
VRISKA: He then su8sequently pranked Tavros in order to make him think John was a girl.
VRISKA: 8ut of course, Tavros isn't smart enough to figure out when someone is trolling him.
VRISKA: Hell, he didn't even give Tavros the right last name!
VRISKA: It's Anderson, not Eg8ert!
VRISKA: QED.
NEPETA: :33 < well why don't I just ask the human?
NEPETA: :33 < *nepeta picks up her tablet and opens trollian, moving to the latest available point of the blue human's timeline*

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

AC: :33 < *nepeta jumps in front of the blue human, eyeing them up and down*
AC: :33 < hello there :3
EB: oh uh is this a roleplay thing?
EB: let me try
EB: *june pats the troll catgirl on the head*
EB: you are the cat one, right?
EB: i remember rose told me about you a little bit after i met tavros for the first time.
AC: :33 < *nepeta purrs happily, and then jumps back into the jungle, her mission complete*
EB: huh, that was weird.
EB: oh hey karkat's mentioning me, i think that's our first conversation from his perspective!
EB: alright see you nepeta, hopefully when we're all on the meteor!
AC: :33 < *you hear a faint "see you :3" from the depths of the trees*

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

You look back up from your tablet and spin it around to show the other two trolls.

NEPETA: :33 < sorry vriskers, but it looks like our blue human's name is, in fact, june!
VRISKA: You-
VRISKA: I-
VRISKA: This can't-

Vriska's face has turned pale, and she's having trouble speaking. She picks herself up, captchalogues her Flourite Octet (minus one, of course), and runs out of the door to your lair, slamming it behind her.

TAVROS: hEY, dON'T jUST rUN aS sOON aS tH1NGS dON'T fOLLOW yOUR pLAN!

Tavros grabs his lance from the back of the room, and dashes after her, his metal feet clunking across the ground. You realize that if you want to stop them from killing each other, you'll need to intervene as soon as you can, and you follow suit.

After making a section on your shipping wall stating Nepeta ♣️ Tavros & Vriska, of course. Shipping always comes first.

John: Answer Rose.

You can't answer Rose right now! Your face is currently covered in ghost pie. Also, you're falling. At least, until a bed appears under you in an undoubtedly Sweet Catch!

NANNASPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

You proceed to then have a conversation with Nannasprite about this neat new amulet she gives to you, which allows you to summon her at any time. It's pretty cool. Then Karkat starts yelling at you (and Dave) , and says you need to get married to Rose, and oh yeah you need to talk to her. Why is everyone providing you with so many distactions!

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TT: Hello, John.
TT: I'd like to talk to you when you have a moment.
EB: hi rose!
EB: sorry it took so long, the trolls are really annoying sometimes.
TT: Tell me about it.
TT: I had to blow up one of their computers to get them to shut up.
TT: Nepeta is quite nice, though I'm not normally one for cat roleplay.
TT: And Aradia...
TT: Well, she's trying to stop me from destroying this game.
EB: rose!
EB: don't destroy the session!
EB: we need to play the game in order to make our own universe!
EB: how do you know this isn't going to ruin everything?
TT: That's not the point right now.
TT: I need to ask you something.
TT: How did you log into my pesterchum account and send those messages to Kanaya?
EB: hehe, a true prankstress never reveals her secrets!
EB: wait, prankster.
EB: ignore that please

Oh no. You can't have Rose know about your pranking against Tavros. It can still be considered that, right? Even though you're trying to be honest with him?
Making friends is hard. It's hard, and no one understands.

EB: actually that reminds me i need to tell you about something else.
EB: karkat says we need to get married.
EB: not that we have to if you don't want to! that's just what he says.
EB: it's because of repopulation on a new planet after the game.
TT: Egbert, you're giving me a lot of information really fast.
TT: Let's break things down.
TT: I'm destroying the session in order to find the Green Sun, the source of the First Guardians' power.
TT: I have a feeling that if we destroy the sun, we can stop Jack Noir's power from escalating further.
TT: Especially since you're about to-
TT: Well, I can't tell you that just yet. Don't want to create a doomed timeline.
EB: whoa, you can do future stuff too?
EB: you and dave both have these cool powers and all i get is a jetpack.
TT: You'll gain some eventually.
EB: well rose you are being very mysterious!
EB: what happened to your normal sarcastic self?
TT: I must have used all my sarcasm on Kanaya.
TT: She was very confused, not just from that, but also because of your pranking shenanigans.
TT: I think she called me a "Flighty Broad" at one point as well.
TT: Anyway, Karkat's whole idea about marrying you is obviously not going to happen for two reasons.
TT: The first and most obvious being that I am a lesbian.
TT: And the second being that I am transgender, so even doing it just for reproduction is out of the question.
EB: wait, humans can be trans too?
EB: i thought it was just a troll thing
TT: Of course.
EB: oh no
EB: oh no oh no
EB: rose, i need to think for a bit
EB: i'll pester you later
TT: That's fine. Just know that you can always talk to me.
TT: The second half of my chumhandle isn't there for nothing after all.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

Okay. Okay okay. You might be freaking the fuck out a little bit right now. You take a few seconds to try to process everything you just heard. First is that Rose used to be a boy. But she's really pretty! Not that trans people aren't pretty, but does that mean that if you were to try to be a girl, you could be pretty like that too? But no, you're not a homosexual, so you wouldn't need to worry about that and you should stop thinking about it! You need to get Jade into the game! That's what the voice inside your head is telling you to do!

Or.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering adiosToreador [AT] --

EB: tavros, how did you know you were trans?

Chapter Text

==>

AT: hOLD oN, 1'M sW1TCHING tO vO1CE-tO-tEXT
AT: aLR1GHT. hOW 1 rEAL1ZED,
AT: 1 dON'T rECALL eXACTLY,
AT: 1T wAS pROBABLY wHEN 1 dECIDED tO cHANGE mY fLARP cLASS oN a wH1M,
EB: wait, what's flarp?
EB: you talked about it earlier, is it some kind of video game? that's what it sounds like.
AT: nO, 1T'S a gAME yOU pLAY pHYS1CALLY,
AT: 1T'S k1NDA l1KE hUMAN dUNGEONS aND dRAGONS,
AT: eXCEPT 1N rEAL l1FE aND mORE dANGEROUS,
EB: oh, i know d&d!
EB: dave tried to get us all to play it one day.
EB: i was gonna be an elf cleric!
EB: but jade derailed the campaign with weird furry stuff and dave gave up dming.
EB: i think i still have the old character sheet somewhere in my house.
AT: wELL, fLARP 1S s1M1LAR tO tHAT,
AT: aNYWAY, 1 wANTED tO cHANGE 1T tO bOY-sKYLARK,
AT: bECAUSE 1 hAD wATCHED pUPA pAN rECENTLY,
AT: bUT oF cOURSE vR1SKA wAS mY cLOUDER,
AT: sO sHE rELENTLESSLY tEASED mE aBOUT "wanting to 8e a 8oy",
AT: uNT1L 1 tOLD hER tHAT mAYBE 1 d1D wANT tO bE oNE.
AT: aND tHEN tH1NGS jUST kEPT gO1NG fORWARD aND 1 cHANGED mY nAME aND -
AT: wHOAAAAA
EB: what?
EB: tavros are you ok?
AT: 1'M fALL1NG dOWN aLL tHESE sTA1RS,
EB: i told you about stairs!
EB: i told you!
AT: 1 dON'T tH1NK yOU d1D,
EB: oh yeah, you don't know about sbahj
EB: here's the one i was referencing
ectoBiologist sent adiosToreador "sbahj1.jpg"
AT: wHAT
AT: wHY 1S tH1S fUNNY,
AT: 1T sHOULDN'T bE,
AT: bUT 1 cAN'T sTOP lAUGH1NG
AT: oH h1 nEPETA,
AT: sORRY jUNE 1 nEED tO gO,
EB: oh, okay!
EB: i'll talk to you later!
AT: <>

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering adiosToreador [AT]

Every time Tavros calls you "June", it makes you feel... warm inside, or something like that. It's pretty weird. Maybe you should ask Rose to call you Ju-BOY, LET YOUR FRIEND INTO THE GAME RIGHT NOW. I AM DONE BEING POLITE. SHE IS IN DANGER.

Whatever that voice is in your head, it needs to stop interrupting every single thought you have. You're getting to saving Jade! Can't the voice realizBOY, YOU NEED TO HURRY. Argh! It's like some child whose only lessons on talking to people were from an ettiquite boo-PLEASE. YOU NEED TO SAVE YOUR FRIEND, BOY. You mainly wish it would just stop calling you that.

The wind whips around you as the voice insists and insists on you helping Jade, flipping between being rude and attempting to be nice, as you get more and more tired of its antics. Are you going crazy? You really hope your friends don't have to deal with people inside their heads telling them what to do like your entire life is a command prompt in a game. You just want it to stop but it's not stopping and you're not even in control of your own head and-

JOHN: AAAAAAAA-

-the wind grows stronger-

J???: -AAAAAAAA-

-the dark clouds below your house open up-

JUNE: AAAAAAAAhhhhhhh...

-and you finally run out of breath. The wind stops, and things seem to calm down. You wait for a few seconds. No voice. You wait for a few more. Still no voice.

Good. Now you can get Jade into the game, on your own terms - and talk to Rose at the same time, because you kinda ran from that conversation due to gender being hard. You open up Sburb, which you had been downloading on your Cosbytop the whole time - your conversation with Tavros was originally, of course, a distaction - and you connect up as her server player. You plop down the cruxtruder next to the sleeping dog in the foyer, careful not to wake them up, and then plop down the totem lathe in the back of a greenhouse. You wouldn't want to uproot a bunch of plants just to deploy a game construct now, would you? No, that would be a jerk move that you would only do if you were explicitly given permission to. You search around the house for someplace to place the alchemiter, and finally decide to move a bunch of weird blue puppets and a couch out of the way in order to place it near the cruxtruder. Then you finally decide to do a x2 Pesterchum combo! and message both Jade and Rose. You are on top of things now, like a butler from butler island but even cooler.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

EB: jade are you awake?
GG: yes!
GG: im so relieved to talk to you and hear youre ok
GG: i mean.......
GG: are you ok john? your dream self i mean
EB: oh, yeah.
EB: i am pretty sure that i...
EB: they?
EB: am/are fine.
EB: i woke up on the battlefield which was on fire, and had flaming bits of prospit everywhere.
GG: :(
GG: yes, but that was not prospit. that was its moon which was severed by the crazy derse agent
EB: oh, you mean jack?
GG: i dunno!
EB: that is his name, karkat told me.
EB: i saw him there too.
EB: oh!!!!!
EB: i also got your present, and it saved my life!
GG: really?? :D
EB: yes, the bunny was so awesome, it was definitely the best bunny i got today.
EB: thank you so much, jade!
GG: <3
EB: when jack saw it, he flew the hell away. and then the bunny and i went on an adventure together.
EB: does the bunny have a name? i asked them but i don't think they can talk.
GG: i dont know! i did not give her one after applying the upgrades.
EB: hmm.
EB: i think i will name her liv tyler.
GG: :|
GG: you mean from armageddon?
EB: yeah!
GG: john that is so stupid
GG: but also kind of cute i guess
GG: ok then the bunny will be named after your silly movie star fantasy crush
GG: oh also john
GG: have you looked in the lab yet?
EB: the lab?
GG: the big room in the sphere at the top of the tower
EB: oh, no. why?
GG: could you do me a favor and not look in there?
EB: ok. why, is there a secret in there?
GG: its nothing that secret or personal or anything....
GG: it is just something kind of sad and weird for you to see
EB: what is it?
GG: it is my dead dream self
GG: it has been there for years, i always knew i would die but i did not realize it would go like this....
EB: oh, i already saw her on the battlefield...
EB: i was so confused and sad when i saw you lying there...
EB: but maybe we could prototype it or something?
EB: you could get your dream self back!
GG: are you sure that would work?
EB: well we won't know until we try it!
EB: let's open up the cruxtruder, and see how much time we have.

You grab a globe from the side of the room, and drop it onto the top of the cruxtruder. It bounces off, and almost lands on Jade, but you grab it just in time.

EB: oh thank fuck

Alright, you have 10 minutes and 25 seconds. You drag your cursor over to the observatory and grab the stuffed corpse of her dream self. You don't understand why all your friends have weird traditions, like Rose's weird cat mausoleum and Dave and his bro's weird fighting antics and Jade having a stuffed corpse of herself in the observatory - compared to that, even your dad's baking obsession seems like something that's not really that bad. Anyway, back to prototyping! You've got six minutes and twelve seconds left, so you chuck the corpse onto the sprite. The green lights of the sprite flash as the kernel transforms into a disembodied Jade head, which begins to speak in the classic gobbledygook that your old kernelsprite talked in.

GG: i dont think it worked :(
EB: well, it was worth a try.
EB: although now that means we'll have to fight mini jades everywhere!
EB: i did not think that part through.
EB: hmm... but that also means that the other enemies we fight might have your personality and then not want to kill us!
EB: i am actually an absolute genius.
GG: i wonder where bec is...
EB: i'm sure he'll be here eventually.

Now that you've half prototyped Jade's sprite, it's time for the x2 part of the combo while she runs around using the cruxite to make an artifact. You pull up your conversation with Rose on your PDA so that you can have both conversations open at once.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]--

EB: okay i am back
EB: im also helping jade get into the game!
TT: Did you know your planet was on fire?
EB: oh.
EB: it is?
TT: Yes. It makes a good light for reading, actually.
EB: ok, haha, that's a confusing thing you said, but that topic will have to wait!
EB: jade is minutes away from entering, and i've already prototyped her sprite with her dream self.
EB: i was thinking if we should prototype it with something else as well?
TT: John.
TT: You did what?
EB: i prototyped jade's sprite with her dead dream self.
EB: is that wrong?
TT: Oh, no, it's not wrong at all.
TT: It's not like you just doomed our entire timeline.
EB: oh, good.
EB: wait.
EB: that was sarcasm, wasn't it.
TT: Yes, it was. Jade's sprite was supposed to be prototyped with Becquerel, which would subsequently power up Jack Noir to unbeatable levels.
EB: why would i do that?
TT: You wouldn't have.
TT: You're supposed to be asleep right now.
EB: oh.
EB: um.

GG: okay i have my cruxite carved out from that card
EB: great, now put it on the alchemiter.

When Jade puts the carved dowel on the alchemiter, a blindfold appears around her eyes, and a tree appears, sporting a pinata of a strange, dog-like effigy. You move your viewpoint around to the kernelsprite, and you see the air around it crackle with green energy.

JUNE: what the...?

Becquerel appears out of thin air and fuses with the sprite, causing it to immediately grow a tail. The Jadesprite (Becsprite? Badesprite? You aren't sure) coils around Jade's arms, lifting them up into the perfect position for her rifle just as she pulls it out of her strife spectibus.

EB: ok rose bec just prototyped himself, does that fix everything?

The bullet fires in slow motion towards the pinata, as you swear you can hear fast paced music float through the medium.

TT: No.
TT: John, Davesprite just killed Jack Noir.

And then, Jade's house vanishes off the face of the Earth. You do a little celebratory twirl, and almost fall into the lake of oil your bed is floating on and oh shit Rose was right your entire planet is on fire.

EB: oh shit you're right my entire planet is on fire.
EB: wait jack is dead?
EB: huh, that feels...
EB: anticlimactic.
TT: It was also the nail in the coffin for our timeline.
TT: You can pretty much only sit back, relax, and wait for this timeline to dissolve.
TT: The only way the timeline could have continued is if Jack was able to destroy the trolls' victory platform.
TT: And since Jack can't do that now, we've trapped ourself in a time paradox.
EB: oh...
EB: well if our timeline is doomed
EB: can you
EB: um
TT: Fix it? Not in any way I know of.
TT: We'd have to find some way to get the timeline back on track.
EB: no actually
EB: can you call me june?

KARKAT: Open door.

You reach out to grab the handle. This is the final step in this awful game you and your friends have fought through. All the hardships you've experienced, the relationships you've made, it's all been for this. A brand new universe, of your own making.

But then an orange sword slices through the massive Sgrub logo, and you fall backwards. The logo falls away to reveal a strange orange glowing alien. One without horns, but with features from a meowbeast, barkbeast, large wings on their back, and strange dark coverings over their eyes. You feel a psychic push towards the transportalizer on the floor, and are flung into it, probably from Aradia. But while falling, you hear one message from this strange orange demon.

CROW: caw caw motherfuckers
CROW: actually that shits gotten really old now why the fuck am i saying it
CROW: i mean i swear im like only one sixth bird now i don't need to keep with the bird puns
CROW: oh hi robot aradia

Wait, this orange guy knows Aradia? Did she betray you or-

Then your head hits the floor and your vision goes black.

Chapter Text

JUNE: Do the windy thing.

The wind is yours now. You let a slight breeze pass through your fingers before you stir it up into what's very nearly a tornado, before you let it loose across the lake of oil, extinguishing all of the flames that were crawling towards you. Your stress feels like it's evaporated. That was a big thing to do. Not the wind, you telling Rose you wanted to be called that name.

TT: Well,
TT: Hmm.
TT: I can't say I expected that.
TT: But I suppose that doesn't matter, since we're at the end of the road here.
TT: So, June, do you have a different set of pronouns that you'd prefer I use?
EB: uh, yeah
EB: can you use she?
TT: Of course.
TT: Welcome to the being transgender club, June!
TT: We have depression.
EB: oh no!
TT: Haha, just kidding.
TT: Although I feel awful that you only get to be yourself to me in a timeline that will tear itself apart sometime soon.

Wow, way for Rose to put a damper on things. You suppose that's kind of typical for her, so whatever. You look up from your Cosbytop (Still intact, of course) and see an orange blur flying towards you from across the skyline. As it gets closer, you can see what seems like a strange amalgamation of Dave and a bunch of different creatures. He settles down in front of you.

CROW: hey
JUNE: oh, you're very orange.
CROW: oh look here weve got the king of being really fucking obvious right here
CROW: like no shit im orange im literally a sprite
CROW: thats like telling a martian theyre very green
CROW: well actually we dont know what martians would look like
CROW: frankly i dont know where the whole big green headed humanoid alien idea came from
CROW: like the only aliens weve met have had completely grey skin
CROW: and are like
CROW: similar to bugs i think
JUNE: oh, the trolls?
CROW: what other alien species have we met
CROW: go ahead john tell me im listening
CROW: the carpaces and consorts dont count theyre like part of the game
CROW: speaking of the game we need to get going with it
CROW: weve got a lot of shit to do and barely any time
JUNE: wait, davesprite.
JUNE: the session is doomed.
JUNE: rose said so.
CROW: yeah no shit what do you think ive been trying to fix the past few hours
CROW: also its crow now
CROW: even though im like only one sixth crow
CROW: and one sixth cat
CROW: and one sixth weird octopus thing
CROW: and one sixth jades weird magic dog
CROW: and one sixth dead jade
CROW: actually i don't know if im actually like evenly distributed between each of the prototypings
CROW: i mean i feel mostly dave anyway
CROW: even though yeah im named crow now
JUNE: i get it!
JUNE: actually i don't but that's not the point.
JUNE: how are we supposed to get the game back on track?
CROW: well thats pretty fucking easy
CROW: just track down all of the paradoxes and make sure time goes in loops correctly
CROW: i already destroyed the trolls victory platform and killed a ton of aradia bots
CROW: didnt destroy prospit though that seemed pointless
CROW: i dont think that contributed to any paradoxes though so were good on that part
CROW: and now we've gotta get you to the god tiers.
JUNE: alright, let me just tell rose and jade!

You look back at your Cosbytop.

EB: hey rose, crow said he could find a way to not-doom the timeline!
EB: that was a mystery that sure needs solving,
EB: and damn if it isn't getting solved right now!
TT: What.
TT: I don't think you're very good at using Dave's weird catchphrases.
EB: what? no, they are not weird.
EB: they are super cool, just like him.
TT: Either way, that's just ridiculous.
TT: You can't just fix a doomed timeline like that.
Actually, you can.
But you wouldn't know that.
Of course, history has already been rewritten to deal with fixing the paradoxes that you managed to cause.
Frankly, I'm disappointed it had to come to that.
I thought you would be a competent enough group of players to not run into paradoxes like this, but I suppose as long as my goals are achieved this will be just fine
TT: Excuse me?
EB: what?
TT: Not you, the white text guy.
Please, simply call me Doc Scratch.
It's a much better name than "White Text Guy".
TT: How did you get into me and Ju- John's DMs?
Please, you can use her actual name.
There's no use hiding information from an omniscient being such as myself.
TT: Right, I forgot how annoying you were.
EB: who is this guy?
TT: Some "omniscient" guy who's been helping me destroy the game.
TT: He's also got some leads on the Green Sun.
greenlitTurntable [GT] is pestering too!
GT: yo june hurry it up a bit
GT: you aren't going to god tier by yourself
GT: and yes i am using your old chumhandle abbreviation someones gotta do it
GT: it be annoying if we had tg, tt, and gg but no gt
GT: patterns like that have to be followed
GT: or so says the rule of cool
GT: which i am
GT: cool that is
GT: im the coolest sprite in paradox space
GT: fixing timeloops without leaving a trace
GT: i would rap more but were low on time
GT: and really i can't think of anything else to rhyme
EB: how do you know that name?
GT: read the pesterlog you dumbass
EB: i was in this pesterlog! i already have read it!
GT: no i mean i was the one who read the pesterlog
GT: jeez you can't even pick up on context clues
This isn't your conversation. I'm removing you from it.
greenlitTurntable [GT] was banned from the pesterlog.
god damn it now i gotta talk like this
I'm surprised at your persistence.
I suppose even an omniscient being like myself can forget when someone has first guardian powers.
yeah well maybe you wouldnt forget if you had a green sun would you
ok im gonna be honest that was a terrible attempt at roasting
i should offer myself up to be put on butler island now
to attone for my failed burns
oh yeah speaking of the green sun there isnt one
theres big place in paradox space where a green sun probably should be
a lotta emptiness right now though
TT: Excuse me, but what?
EB: can someone tell me what's going on?
That's it. I'm taking the other direction this time.
ectoBiologist [EB] was banned from the pesterlog.
tentacleTherapist [TT] was banned from the pesterlog.

Did you just get banned from your own DMs? That's weird but also kinda funny you guess. Crow seems frusturated, and he turns to you.

CROW: okay first of all its they/them now
CROW: since i saw you were talking about pronouns
CROW: i mean of course i have orange hair and pronouns you know
CROW: but anyway
CROW: second i gotta deal with this white text fucker
CROW: he says he wants to meet me in person
CROW: or really he said im going to meet him in person
CROW: i mean im supposed to be the knight of time here but whatever
CROW: ill be back
CROW: just head to your quest bed on the horizon over there

Crow gestures over to a large pillar on the horizon.

CROW: once you get there ill appear and tell you some more stuff
CROW: trust me i know this because it already happened for me
CROW: okay bye

They disappear in a flash of orange, and you're left alone on the tiny island again.

Great. Now how do you get back to land?

> This is boring. Be the other girl.

There are a lot of other girls you can be! But you are now Vriska Serket, and you are doing something you thought you wouldn't do since you were a 3-sweep-old boy wishing you could look like your friend Terezi.

Throwing a tantrum.

What, were you expecting to be crying or something? You're Vriska motherfucking Serket. You do not cry. When life has decided to fuck you over you do it best by destroying things. So you do. You rip apart the Nic Cage shrine "John" told you about. You kick over the massive pile of money you planned to give "him" to help with Sgrub. You throw your dice against the wall. And then pick them back up again, of course.

A lot of things went wrong as soon as June started talking with Tavros. You trusted her to not talk to that kid, and now she probably hates you. But if she's going to act like that, it's fine. You can vacillate quadrants, especially since she managed to RUIN EVERYTHING. Really? Prototyping the green human's dead dream self while your back was turned? Single-handedly ruining your chance of being the hero? Extorting you for girl clothes so she could come out and become moirails with the most pathetic troll on board this asteroid? She's so infuriating and you can't fucking stop thinking about kissing her for some gogforsaken reason.

A knock outside your secret vault distracts you.

NEPETA: :33 < vwhiskers, are you okay?
NEPETA: :33 < you just ran off and i'm worried about you! :(

Oh, great, it's this fucking bitch again. Well, you won't have to worry about her much longer. You flip your seven dice in between your fingers. This was the bulge-sucker who distracted you when you needed to put June to sleep. The other asshat at fault for your whole predicament.

It's time to make her pay.

Chapter Text

==>

3 8 2 4 7 6 3: RUSTED SCMITAR -1

Your first slash went right across Nepeta's chest as she walked into the room, olive blood instantly starting to seep through her clothing. You have no idea how you're supposed to use this weapon, but hey, it's similar enough to a sword, you'll use it that way. Your second slice is just narrowly blocked by her metallic claws.

NEPETA: >:ƐƐ < ow! what the hell, vriska?

You don't need to talk to this bitch. She fucking ruined your chances of being a hero. You slice out again and again, but now that she's prepared, she's blocking every attack.

NEPETA: :ƐƐ < i don't... why?
VRISKA: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!

You don't know if the green tears streaming down her face are because of pain or because it's you that's fighting her, but you don't care. You don't need to care.

NEPETA: ?:ƐƐ < is this because i'm trying to meowspistize between you and tavros?
NEPETA: |:33 < because i'm not going to stop!
NEPETA: :33 < you two need to learn to get along!
VRISKA: Oh, you think s8ing that is just going to magically make things 8etter?
VRISKA: Some sort of grey solit8ions are just going to heal the issues your stupid trio have created?
VRISKA: No. You fucked up, and you're going to pay the price.

You continue to trade attacks, but you don't feel the normal power behind your own. It's like you're missing something. Something important. You try to go in for one major power attack, but this stupid idiot catgirl slips to the side just in time to rake a claw down your face. Your own weapon snaps in half when it hits the ground, and a little message flicks across your view.

Weapon broken! FLOURITE SEPTET recharge time: 00:05:00

Flourite septet? No, you know you have the Octet, it's right in your hands again. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
Where the fuck is the eighth one?

NEPETA: :33 < oh! you're probably looking for this.

She holds up your die, before throwing it back into her Sylladex.

NEPETA: :33 < sorry! i needed some insurance.

Some sort of non-troll scream erupts from your lungs as you launch yourself at Nepeta, ready to deliver a massive beatdown. You can't believe she would steal something as important to you as one of the Octet. But before you reach her, something hard hits you in the back of the head, and you collapse, barely conscious.

TAVROS: Oh gog please say 1 d1dn't k1ll her please just be unconsc1ous
NEPETA: :33 < no, she should be feline
NEPETA: :33 < i've hunted enough purrey that i know when they're playing dead

You recieve one last bump on the head before you slip away into the emptiness that is Paradox Space.

You spend a short time exploring around random dream bubbles. You travel through old places you've been, places you've never even seen, sometimes even places that don't look like how Alternia did at all. And the ghosts. Oh god, the ghosts. There's a lot of them. You've avoided them all so far, but it's hard sometimes when all you want to do is kill these alternate versions of your now worst enemies. Eventually you come to one of your own memories. Well, it can't possibly actually be yours, because you're still alive. It was that moment when you were trying to go god tier. When Tavros couldn't do one simple thing.

Tavros, June, Nepeta. Every time you've come to someone for help in simple tasks, they've betrayed you.

Why do you even bother?

You don't need them. You only need yourself.

You stroll off from the Quest Recuperacoon and whistle to yourself as you walk down the pathway into another bubble. You don't know why these things exist, but they're really cool sometimes. Especially when they bring back memories of you being cool as fuck. A few steps later, and you find yourself on a blue expanse, covered in oil and a dark cloud cover. A large staircase in the center of the bubble leads up to a human Quest Recuperacoon. You recognize this as June's planet. But how would she have a bubble? Maybe from Rezi's trolling? But that wasn't here.

You're okay with letting your revenge plotting go to waste to sleuth through this problem. You ascend the staircase, and you begin to hear noise coming from the Quest Bed. Eventually you can pick up voices. Well, one voice really.

(JUNE): i still
(JUNE): i don't get it, casey!
(JUNE): why would crow do that?
(JUNE): *sob*
(JUNE): i-i-i thought...
(JUNE): i thought he wanted to help me!
(JUNE): b-but now...

You can see the human now. She's laying atop the bed, hugging a salamander. Her eyes are completely white.

VRISKA: Well. Hello, Egg8ert.
(JUNE): Aaah!
(JUNE): oh.
(JUNE): hi.
VRISKA: So how does it feel 8eing insignificant?
(JUNE): What?
(CASEY): bleh
VRISKA: You're now just something the universe has cast off. A ghost. You're not important anymore.
VRISKA: You've 8een knocked down a few pegs - at least this version of you.
VRISKA: Frankly, it's a8out time.
(JUNE): oh.
(JUNE): ...
(JUNE): why bother?
VRISKA: See, now you're getting it!
(JUNE): no, i mean why do you bother?
(JUNE): what do you get out of bullying people?
(JUNE): it makes everyone hate you.
VRISKA: Tch.
VRISKA: It's not 8ullying.
VRISKA: It's just doing what has to be done in order to make me the hero.
VRISKA: And if I have to step on a few people to get there, why does it matter?
VRISKA: The end justifies the means.
(JUNE): no it doesn't!
(JUNE): what are you even trying to do to make yourself the hero?
(JUNE): i've seen nothing!
(JUNE): the nicest thing you did was give me this outfit, and you immediately took it away by making fun of me!
VRISKA: You have NO IDEA what I've tried to do in order to make myself the hero!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: I tried to cre8 8ec Noir so that I could be responsi8le for you guys' development!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: I was going to fight him as well, to cement myself as the hero of both the trolls and humans!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Even in my own session, I was the most important. I dealt the final 8low to the 8lack King!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: How am I not a hero????????
(JUNE): you...
(JUNE): you tried to create who?
VRISKA: 8ec Noir?
VRISKA: That's Jack Noir with first guardian powers.
VRISKA: He's the one who destroyed our victory platform.
VRISKA: I think.
VRISKA: My memory also thinks that it was some orange human-meowbeast-8ark8east-thing.
VRISKA: 8ut it doesn't matter, 8ecause I was supposed to create 8ec Noir!
VRISKA: And you screwed that up.
VRISKA: 8ut now you're here, and-
(JUNE): good.
VRISKA: What?
(JUNE): it's good that you didn't get to be a hero.
(JUNE): you could have caused so many awful things to happen.
(JUNE): what if jack went to skaia? and killed my dad?
(JUNE): what if he had killed dave? or rose?
(JUNE): i feel like if he was mixed with becquerel he wouldn't be able to kill jade.
(JUNE): but still, what if he came to the meteor and killed all of you?
VRISKA: Like I said 8efore, they don't matter.
VRISKA: It's a8out me.
(JUNE): i fucking hate you.
(JUNE): you're an egocentric bitch who can't even execute your self-centered plans properly.
(JUNE): and that's really all there is to say-mmf!

You weren't expecting this day to include you kissing a dead version of a girl you had a hatecrush on when it started, but whatever. She was talking too much, she needed to be shut up. You pull away to see that (June)'s face is now both bright red and furious.

(JUNE): what the fuck?
(JUNE): i'm being serious here. i hate you. that's not some kind of romance proposition.
(JUNE): not that. um. kissing you some other time would be out of the question.
(JUNE): but not when i'm actively telling you i hate you!

You're confused for a second until you remember that humans only have one type of romance. You open your mouth to explain everything about pitch romance to her, until three gold points burst out of her chest, red blood spilling out around each. Her body is tossed to the side, and a goggled sea-dweller from behind her twirls a 2x3dent around in her hands.

??????: hehe got another one
??????: sorry for ruinin your mako-t session
??????: but ive been makin it my job to get rid of every egbert i sea
VRISKA: WHAT????????
VRISKA: You're just killing every one you come across?
??????: its kinda funny this one is the only one that hasnt disappeared after i speared it
VRISKA: You just permanently killed her!
??????: oh shit was she a ghost or somefin
??????: well ill just get rid of you too no witnesses kapiche

The girl throws the 2x3dent towards your chest and you feel yourself disappear into nothingness.
And then you wake up.

NEPETA: X33 < you're pale for june??? x3
NEPETA: X33 < *the catgirl jumps around tavros, wiggling her tail*
NEPETA: X33 < ohmygog that makes so much sense!
TAVROS: Haha... Really?
NEPETA: :33 < of course!
NEPETA: :33 < since blah blah blah i'm probably saying stupid catgirl things blah blah

Yeah, you're not going to listen to that. You're just going to lay down in this weird cramped room Catbitch and Boy-Skylark Infinite have trapped you in. At least until you formulate a plan that can't end in failure like all of your previous ones. After all, that version of June was right. None of your plans in this universe have worked. But that doesn't mean giving up. There's always a better plan to make, a better hero to be. You're VRISKA SERKET, damnit. You will be the hero if it kills you.

Or, more likely, kills everyone else.

Now that you think about it, you are glad that you kissed that ghost version of June instead of the actual version. The real version won't know you were trying to ruin her session. Everything is good. With the real one, you can probably get back to manipulating her through a simple feelings jam. You'll find some way to turn this around.

June: Remember.

JUNE: no, i'm serious.
JUNE: god tiering like fully turned be into a girl.
JUNE: like. um. boobs. and the other stuff.
JUNE: and i'm pretty scared about it.
JUNE: like what if my dad finds out?
JUNE: he would always put those notes everywhere that said something like Son, I am so, so, proud of you.
JUNE: what if he wouldn't like me being his daughter?
ROSE: Well, your father is currently on one of the balconies in this castle.
ROSE: In fact, he's on a date with my mother.
ROSE: I don't get what he sees in her, what with her alcoholism and obsession with wizards.
ROSE: But he's there nonetheless.
ROSE: Of course, my mother is extremely supportive, so you've got that backup as well.
JUNE: yeah, i think i'm probably just being paranoid.

You take Rose's hand in yours, and she leads you up the stairs towards where your father is. You try to calm your breathing as you look around at the walls of the castle, adorned with pictures of carpacians in various attires. Your god tier clothes drag behind you, always a few steps down. Your breathing gets more panicked.

ROSE: June, are you okay?
ROSE: We don't have to do this now if you don't want to.

Your head hurts. Your memories of the past hour seem to blur. You definitely remember meeting Crow on the quest bed, going to bed, and then being killed. But then your memories split. The path that led you to right now is definitely what absolutely happened. You woke up on the battlefield in a girl body, god tier clothes, and somehow floating a foot above the ground, You explored for a bit until you came across a castle. You entered it, and came face to face with Rose, who was writing something in a notebook of hers. That's what you know had to have happened.

The other split was you just being killed on the quest bed and just... dying. And then there was vriska, and then...

Oh god, that kiss.

And everything else about the plan that Vriska had to destroy your entire session. Can't forget about that.

This was going to be really hard to explain.

Chapter Text

Tavros: Discuss.

NEPETA: X33 < you're pale for june??? x3
NEPETA: X33 < *the catgirl jumps around tavros, wiggling her tail*
NEPETA: X33 < ohmygog that makes so much sense!
TAVROS: Haha... Really?
NEPETA: :33 < of course!
NEPETA: :33 < you've been a lot more confident ever since you started talking to her.
NEPETA: :33 < even your typing quirk changed!
TAVROS: Oh, yeah, 1t d1d, d1dn't 1t.
TAVROS: 1 hadn't really not1ced all that much.
TAVROS: 1 th1nk 1 see what you're talk1ng about.
TAVROS: And-
KARKAT: NEPETA DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE FRIDGE IS?
KARKAT: IT'S PRETTY FUCKING IMPORTANT THAT WE GET IT
SOLLUX: ba2iically eridan's gone iin2ane ever 2iince he got that wand
FEFERI: Kanaya sacrificed her life to save me 38(

A whole slew of trolls barged into Nepeta's room in the middle of your conversation. From just a quick look you can tell that all of them have been running for quite a bit, as each of them are breathing heavily. Sollux's glasses are taped together in the center, Feferi's lost her tiara, and Karkat has a bump on his head which red blood is streaming from. (He's got red blood? Huh, you never knew.) Nepeta gestures over to the fridge in the back of the room. You and her triple-padlocked it in order to keep Vriska inside while you decide what to do with her.

NEPETA: :33 < well we have the furridge, but it's, um,
NEPETA: :33 < occupied
KARKAT: OH, OF COURSE.
KARKAT: EVERYONE HAS TO GO INSANE AT THE SAME TIME.
KARKAT: WHAT, IS FUCKING GAMZEE IN THERE OR SOMETHING?
NEPETA: :33 < no, it's vwhiskers.
FEFERI: You put Vriska in t)(ere?

You nod.

TAVROS: She was trying to k1ll us. 1t's only fa1r.
KARKAT: OKAY, NOW WE KNOW WHERE SIX OF US ARE.
KARKAT: SEVEN IF WE COUNT ARADIABOT AS A PERSON
KARKAT: DUE TO THAT BOTSPLODE EARLIER
KARKAT: AND EIGHT IF YOU COUNT KANAYA'S CORPSE.
KANAYA: Corpse?
KANAYA: I Don't Think I'm Dead But Who Knows.
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK.
KARKAT: I SAW ERIDAN FIRE A HOLE THROUGH YOUR CHEST.
KARKAT: HOW IN GOG'S NAME ARE YOU STILL ALIVE.

Kanaya's looking a lot better than the other three trolls that had barged in. Her outfit is completely clean, although it's not one you've ever seen before. Now that you think about it, you haven't seen anyone wear clothing that didn't have their respective symbol on it. She lifts up her shirt to reveal a hole going through her chest, although she quickly covers it up once she notices how uncomfortable it made Karkat and Feferi.

KANAYA: So Yes There Is A Hole In My Stomach
KANAYA: And If You Hadn't Noticed By The Fact That I Am Glowing
KANAYA: Which Is Pretty Obvious
KANAYA: I Happen To Be A Rainbow Drinker
SOLLUX: wow when diid you learn 2arcasm

You see a slight tinge of green appear on Kanaya's cheeks.

KANAYA: Well Um
KANAYA: Rose Has Been Teaching Me
KARKAT: CAN YOU ALL SHUT UP ABOUT SOMEONE LEARNING SARCASM?
KARKAT: LIKE WOW I GET IT YOU LEARNED SOMETHING FOR ONCE
KARKAT: BUT I THINK HAVING A MURDEROUS PSYCHOPATH ON THE LOOSE IS MORE IMPORTANT
KARKAT: WE STILL HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE ERIDAN IS.
KANAYA: Unless Corpses Can Move He Should Still Be In That Hub Area
SOLLUX: you're one to talk about moviing corpses
KANAYA: I Do Not Think Eridan Is A Rainbow Drinker
NEPETA: :33 < um...
NEPETA: :33 < has anyone seen equius?
NEPETA: :33 < he's my moirail, i really hope he's okay
FEFERI: )(e wasn't with us w)(en we were attacked, so he should be fin---E.

There's something that's been bothering you through this whole conversation. Something that you're on the verge of hearing, but can't quite do so. You strain your ears, trying to block out the other noises, when you catch it again.

honk

honk

Everyone drops silent as the vents around you begin to make noise. Almost like someone is shuffling through them, dragging someone behind them. You extend a hand to your lance, and you see everyone else with you raising their weapons (except for Nepeta, who holds the Flourite Octet). The banging gets louder and louder until a vent cover in the back of the room pops open and a grinning face adorned with red glasses and blue and purple bloodstains appears from the darkness.

TEREZI: WOW 1T'S L1K3 4 P4RTY IN H3R3
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK YOU'V3 GOT 3V3RYON3 ON TH3 SH1P TH4T'S ST1LL AL1VE 1N H3R3
TEREZI: W41T NO
TEREZI: TH3R3'S NO VR1SK4 OR 3R1D4N
TAVROS: Er1dan 1s dead, and Vr1ska's fr1dged.
TAVROS: But then...
TAVROS: Are Equ1us and Gamzee...

Terezi pops out of the grate, and walks over to you. At first you assume she's going to yell at you like everyone usually does, but instead she grabs your arm and licks the entire thing.

TAVROS: Eww...
TEREZI: WOW, YOU'R3 4CTU4LLY T4VROS
TEREZI: YOU SM3LL3D TH3 S4M3 BUT SOUND3D W4Y D1FF3R3NT
TEREZI: BUT YOU D3F1N1T3LY T4ST3 TH3 S4M3
TEREZI: BUT TO 4NSW3R YOUR QU3ST1ON Y34H 3QU1US GOT STR4NGL3D BY G4MZ33
TEREZI: OF COURS3, 1 W4S 4 W1TN3SS
TEREZI: SO JUST1C3 W4S SW1FTLY S3RV3D
TEREZI: 4S TH3Y S4Y, 4N 3Y3 FOR 4N 3Y3
NEPETA: :ƐƐ < oh.
NEPETA: :ƐƐ < i think i need a minute.
NEPETA: :ƐƐ < *nepeta sulks over to a corner of the room*

She proceeds to do exactly that. You start to walk over to comfort her, but Terezi grabs your arm. You try to shrug it off but her grip stays firm.

TEREZI: SO, VR1SK4'S 1N TH3 FR1DG3?
TAVROS: Yes, she 1s.
TAVROS: Can you let go now?
TEREZI: 4BSOLUT3LY NOT! >:]
TEREZI: W3R3 YOU TH3 ON3 WHO SHOV3D H3R 1N TH3R3?
TAVROS: Yes, me and Nepeta.
TAVROS: We took her weapon, too.
TAVROS: 1 gave June the captcha code for 1t, and Nepeta has the actual Octet right now.
TEREZI: N1C3
TEREZI: NOW 1F YOU DON'T M1ND 1'M OP3N1NG TH3 FR1DG3
TAVROS: 1 absolutely do m1nd.
TAVROS: As soon as you let her out of there, she's probably go1ng to k1ll all of us.
TEREZI: 1'V3 GOT TH1S H4NDL3D, DON'T WORRY

Terezi takes the sword out of her cane and slashes through the chains around the fridge. You make a mental note that you don't want to be on the other side of that weapon. She opens the door to the fridge, and stretches a gloved hand outwards. Vriska's hand grasps on to it, and Terezi pulls her out. You keep a hand on your lance, just in case.

VRISKA: Hello, Terezi.
VRISKA: Did you manage to get rid of everyone else or something?

Terezi takes a step back and whips her sword up to Vriska's throat.

TEREZI: 4LR1GHT VR1S
TEREZI: 1'V3 GOT A F3W RUL3S NOW TH4T YOU N33D TO FOLLOW
TEREZI: UNL3SS YOU W4NT B4CK 1N TH3 FR1DG3
VRISKA: Oh, that's how it is?
VRISKA: What makes you think I'll follow them?
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1F YOU DON'T, 1'LL T3LL 3V3RYON3 HOW FLUSH3D YOU 4R3 FOR F-
VRISKA: Okay! Okay. I get it.
VRISKA: I didn't expect you to make that kind of threat.
TEREZI: WH4T C4N 1 S4Y, 1'M JUST TH4T GOOD 4T BL4CKM41L
TEREZI: OK4Y RUL3 ON3: NO K1LL1NG
TEREZI: RUL3 TWO: NO M1ND CONTROL
TEREZI: TH4T'S 1T H4V3 FUN

Everyone starts to disperse around the room in order to have their own conversations. You start to feel like maybe you could have a little bit of free will in terms of the narrative, until it is wrenched away from you by being the other girl again.

JUNE: Converse.

JUNE: okay, so have you ever felt like there were versions of you from different timelines that you remember?
ROSE: Yes, that happened from the me in Crow's timeline.
JUNE: well, i got a memory from a timeline or something where i just...
JUNE: died on the quest bed.
JUNE: so i was sitting there being miserable when vriska shows up.
JUNE: and she kept trying to insult me so i told her i hated her.
JUNE: but the weirdest thing happened.
JUNE: after i said that, she kissed me.
JUNE: and i have no clue why!
ROSE: I do.
ROSE: We've got an issue of cultural differences here.
ROSE: You see, trolls have four different types of romance.
ROSE: Sure, they have the romance we tend to think of, which they represent with a heart. <3.
ROSE: Then there's pale romance, which is sort of like a best friend slash therapist combo.
ROSE: That's represented with a diamond. <>.
ROSE: Grey romance is really complicated, but to put it simply, you have one person trying to prevent two other people from killing each other.
ROSE: That one's represented by a club. >3o.
ROSE: And then there's the one Vriska likes you in. Pitch romance.
ROSE: It's like sexy archrivals.
ROSE: Both people hate each other and yet are still in love.
ROSE: It's more complicated than that, but Kanaya isn't finished telling me all the romance stuff yet.
JUNE: oh, you're discussing romance with a troll you say?
ROSE: June, I am literally in love with this girl.
JUNE: oh.
JUNE: great, what am i supposed to tease you about now? ROSE: Bad decisions, perhaps?
ROSE: I'll tell you one massive mistake I almost made.
ROSE: I almost made a pact with the horrorterrors.
JUNE: ...
ROSE: I can explain.
JUNE: did you do an acrobatic pirouette off the handle into a pile of crazy at some point?
ROSE: It's Doc Scratch's fault.
JUNE: hate that guy
JUNE: but not in the weird troll love hate kind of way
ROSE: I think most of us hate him in some form or another.
ROSE: Thankfully he's been silent ever since Crow disappeared.
ROSE: Getting back on track, he told me a lot of things that were not entirely true.
ROSE: Most of them about how we needed to find The Tumor to destroy the Green Sun.
ROSE: But of course, as Crow said, that was a total lie.
ROSE: There was one other thing that stuck out.
ROSE: I had just messaged Jade, who you were setting up the frog breeding duties with, when I asked him what happened to my mother.
ROSE: He told me to consult my crystal ball, which I did.
ROSE: But it showed the two of them dead, on the balcony of this castle.
ROSE: I had to keep myself calm. I wouldn't be able to help them if I went in guns blazing.
ROSE: So I came to the castle.
ROSE: But instead of the scene which the crystal ball had predicted, the two of them were just fine, having a date on the balcony.
ROSE: So crisis averted.
JUNE: i don't even want to think about my dad dying.
JUNE: he's been there forever. he got me all of my joke books and things and always left these nice messages around and stuff.
JUNE: i mean there were also the cakes.
JUNE: i have an eternal hatred of betty crocker because of those cakes.
JUNE: and i always thought the harlequins were strange.
ROSE: Hey, at least your dad isn't an alcoholic!
ROSE: I mean, my mom is pretty cool if you look past that still.
ROSE: I still have no idea how she got hormones for me within a day of me coming out to her.
ROSE: Actually, all things considered, it was probably from her secret lab under my dead cat's grave.
ROSE: You know, I think that none of the four of us had a normal childhood.
ROSE: Yours was the closest, but I don't think normal kids have cake every day.
JUNE: i swear it was more like every meal
JUNE: i bet the real villain of this story is going to be betty crocker all along
ROSE: I wouldn't put it past Paradox Space to do something like that.
ROSE: Anyway, I think the two of them are finishing up their date.
ROSE: Are you ready?
JUNE: no, not really.
JUNE: but there's no use delaying the inevitable.
JUNE: actually there probably are many uses to doing that, but not right now.
ROSE: You got this.
ROSE: Make your hate-girlfriend proud.
JUNE: vriska's not my weird troll girlfriend thing!
ROSE: When did I say anything about Vriska?
JUNE: fuck you.

You take a deep breath, and gently open the door to the balcony.

Your dad is sitting across from a woman who you assume is Rose's mother.

You clear your throat.

JUNE: hi, dad.
JUNE: my name is june.
JUNE: it's nice to see you again.

Chapter Text

As your view is whisked away from June's emotional moment, you are suddenly empowered by a feeling of free will. Well, semi-free will. You now have a list of VARIOUS CONVERSATIONS which all happen at the SAME TIME. However, this formatting being a WALL OF TEXT means that you are essentially forced to read each conversation in order.

NEPETA & TEREZI & KANAYA

TEREZI: SO WH4T'S W1TH 4LL TH3 PORTR41TS ON TH1S B4CK W4LL?
NEPETA: X33 < aah!
NEPETA: :33 < you're not supposed to look at that :(
TEREZI: GOOD TH1NG 1 C4N'T S33
TEREZI: 4NYW4Y 1T'S R1GHT TH3R3
TEREZI: JUST B3GG1NG FOR SOM3ON3 TO L1CK 1T
NEPETA: :33 < it is not!
TEREZI: OH 1S TH4T YOU 4ND K4RK4T TH3R3?
KANAYA: Please, I Think You Can Stop Teasing Her Now
KANAYA: She Seems To Have Calmed Down Enough From Before
TEREZI: F1NE >:[
TEREZI: TROLL FUN POL1C3
KANAYA: You Were Just Telling Vriska Off For A Few Minutes
KANAYA: And For Far Worse Things Than What I Told You To Stop
KANAYA: If Anything, You Are The Fun Police Here
KANAYA: Although I Would Not Call Any Of The Things Vriska Was Doing Fun
TEREZI: I DON'T C4R3
TEREZI: GO FL1RT W1TH TH3 PURPL3 HUM4N SOM3 MOR3 4ND G3T OUT OF MY H41R
KANAYA: ...
KANAYA: Is Something Bothering You
KANAYA: Normally You Are Slightly Less Hostile Than This
TEREZI: J33Z, YOU'R3 NOT MY MO1R41L
KANAYA: You're Acting Like A Wiggler
TEREZI: ...
NEPETA: :33 < is it a relationship issue?
TEREZI: ...
TEREZI: Y34H
NEPETA: :33 < hold on a second, i need to get my paws on some chalk
TEREZI: S4V3 SOM3 FOR M3
KANAYA: I Am Surprised She Got It Right
KANAYA: Relationship Issues Are The Last Thing I Would Imagine Would Be On Peoples Minds Right Now
KANAYA: Especially Considering There Is A Strange Orange Cluckbeast-Human Hybrid Trying To Kill Us All
TEREZI: YOU WOULD TH1NK TH4T
KANAYA: Hm?
TEREZI: YOU H1T 1T OFF 1NST4NTLY W1TH TH4T L4LOND3 G1RL
TEREZI: M4BY3 NOT 1N A CONS1ST3NT QU4DR4NT, BUT ST1LL
KANAYA: The More I Speak With Rose, The More Convinced I Become That Humans Can Not Confine Their Relationships To A Single Quadrant
KANAYA: I Can Not Tell If She Even Understands That She Makes Flushed, Pale, And Pitch Solicitations Towards Me All In The Timespan Of A Few Minutes
NEPETA: :33 < *nepeta returns, with a writing bucket of chalk in one paw and a snack bucket in the other*
TEREZI: P3RF3CT, TH3 FOOD'S H3R3
NEPETA: :33 < it's shipping time!
TEREZI: DON'T BOTH3R
TEREZI: TH1S STORY 1SN'T FUN 3NOUGH TO SH1P OFF OF
NEPETA: :33 < i will find out how to anyway.
TEREZI: WH4T3V3R
TEREZI: SO W3 ST4RT OUT B3FOR3 HUM4N SGRUB
TEREZI: 1 PULL UP TH1S BLU3 HUM4N ON TROLL14N
TEREZI: 4ND H3 LOOKS L1K3 4 M4SS1V3 DORK
TEREZI: L3T M3 PULL UP OUR F1RST CONV3RS4T1ON
TEREZI: H3R3
KANAYA: Wow
TEREZI: TH1S K1D H4D NO CLU3 1 W4S FL1RT1NG W1TH H1M
TEREZI: SO WH4T DO 1 DO TH3N
TEREZI: 1 PUSH 3V3N FURTH3R
TEREZI: WH3N TH3 G4M3 ST4RTS 1 3ND H1M ON TH1S FOOL'S 3RR4ND TO B34T 4 D3N1Z3N
TEREZI: 1T W4S 4BSOLUT3LY H1LAR1OUS
TEREZI: OF COURS3 D4V3 PUT 4 STOP TO TH4T
TEREZI: TH3 SPR1T3 V3RS1ON OF D4V3 4T L34ST
TEREZI: SO 1 JUST GO B4CK TO FL1RT1NG
TEREZI: SK1P TO 4BOUT F1V3 M1NUT3S 4GO
TEREZI: 1'M Y3LL1NG 4T VR1SK4 4BOUT NOT K1LL1NG 3V3RYON3
TEREZI: 1 US3 MY M1ND S33R POW3RS TO M4K3 SUR3 SH3'S NOT GO1NG TO K1LL 3V3RYON3 4S SOON 4S MY B4CK 1S TURN3D
TEREZI: OH TH1S CH4LK 1S R34LLY GOOD WH3R3D YOU G3T 1T
NEPETA :33 < i just feownd it in the back of this room
TEREZI: YOU'R3 G3TT1NG PR3TTY D3SP3R4T3 W1TH THOS3 PUNS
KANAYA: Can You Continue The Story
TEREZI: F1N3
TEREZI: SO W3 4LL H4V3 TH3S3 SORTS OF POW3RS B4S3D OFF OF OUR CL4SSP3CTS
TEREZI: M1N3 L3TS M3 S33 1NTO OTH3R P3OPL3'S M1NDS
TEREZI: L1K3 1 W4S S4Y1NG 34RL13R
TEREZI: TH4NKFULLY SH3 DO3SN'T W4NT TO K1LL 4LL OF US
TEREZI: BUT 4LSO
TEREZI: TH3 L4ST TH1NG SH3 D1D B3FOR3 W4K1NG UP W4S K1SS1NG 4 GHOST JOHN
KANAYA: ...
KANAYA: Well It Was Only A Ghost
KANAYA: So John Himself Will Not Remember
NEPETA: :33 < um...
KANAYA: What Is It Nepeta
NEPETA: :33 < nothing important
NEPETA: :33 < at least not yet
KANAYA: Well There's Still Not Much You Should Worry About
KANAYA: The Many Ghost Aradias Did Not Remember What Our Aradia Did
KANAYA: So That Should Stay The Same For The Ghost Version Of John
TEREZI: M4YB3
TEREZI: 1 DO F1ND 1T STUP1D TH4T W3'R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT ROM4NC3 WH3N TH3 G4M3 1S MOR3 1MPORT4NT R1GHT NOW
KANAYA: Well We Can't Do Much To Help At The Moment
KANAYA: And Everyone Here Is Around Six Sweeps Old Anyway
KANAYA: So In A Normal Situation Most Of Us Would Be Discussing Romance Anyway
NEPETA: :33 < what else is there to talk about?
NEPETA: i bet even tabbros is talking about some sort of romance thing!

TAVROS & FEFERI

TAVROS: 1t looks l1ke Nepeta's recovered at least sl1ghtly from Equ1us' death.
TAVROS: Or maybe she's just d1stracted.
FEFERI: )(ave you been spending a lot of time talking to the )(umans?
FEFERI: You're approac)(ing deat)( like I would )(ave wanted to if I )(ad become empress.
TAVROS: 1 guess so.
TAVROS: 1 k1lled Jade's guard1an.
TAVROS: 1 thought 1 was protect1ng her, But 1nstead 1 k1lled some sort of adult human lusus.
TAVROS: Death 1s we1rd.
FEFERI: ...
FEFERI: I know.
FEFERI: Before t)(e game, t)(e only deat)( I )(ad to deal wit)( was w)(en I fed my lusus.
FEFERI: I )(ad t)(e idea to redefine culling as taking care of the unfit.
FEFERI: I doubt it would )(ave worked on Alternia.
FEFERI: But everyone )(ere w)(o would )(ave tried culling )(ave eit)(er died or calmed down.
FEFERI: -Eridan and Gamzee are bot)( dead.
FEFERI: -Equius' weird sense of blood meaning submission died with )(im.
FEFERI: And Vriska and Terezi have... something going on that stops them from fighting for now.
FEFERI: T)(is s)(ould be my c)(ance to make t)(at dream a reality.
FEFERI: I s)(ould be -exit-ed.
FEFERI: But it just feels wrong.
FEFERI: I )(aven't done w)(at I'm supposed to do.
FEFERI: I )(aven't killed t)(e Empress.
FEFERI: And yet, even if I did kill )(er, t)(at would only make t)(e cycle dictated by our blood colors continue.
FEFERI: O)(, I'm sorry, I'm rambling, aren't I?
TAVROS: 1t's f1ne.
TAVROS: 1t's we1rd to hear someone much h1gher than me on the hemospectrum talk l1ke that.
TAVROS: Normally, You'd only hear the 1s most at r1sk of cull1ng talk l1ke that.
TAVROS: L1ke whoever that Dammek guy was. Some revolut1onary who d1sappeared one day.
TAVROS: 1 d1dn't really have too much of those problems.
TAVROS: The closest was that Vr1ska was always mean dur1ng FLARP-
VRISKA (faintly): That was 8ecause you were a wimp!
TAVROS: -but 1 don't th1nk that was related to blood color.
FEFERI: Okay, well,
FEFERI: It doesn't matter.
FEFERI: If I were Empress, I would )(ave )(ad to deal wit)( grief from t)(e dead.
FEFERI: So I s)(ould do it now, too.

KARKAT & SOLLUX

KARKAT: WHAT IS THIS WALL OF QUADRANTS DOING HERE?
KARKAT: IS THIS SOME ATTEMPT AT CATEGORIZING ALL OF US INTO DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS?
KARKAT: WHAT ARE THESE THINGS ANYWAY?
KARKAT: EGBERT <> TAVROS? DOES NEPETA EVEN KNOW HOW PALE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?
KARKAT: THE ENTIRE POINT OF MOIRAILS IS TO STOP THE OTHER PERSON FROM DOING AN ACROBATIC PIROUETTE OFF THE HANDLE.
KARKAT: BUT NEITHER TAVROS NOR EGBERT WOULD HAVE A CHANCE OF DOING THAT.
KARKAT: WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND HOW QUADRANTS WORK?
SOLLUX: you watch two many romance moviie2
KARKAT: YES, AND THAT MAKES ME THE EXPERT.
SOLLUX: obviiou2ly
KARKAT: OF COURSE.
KARKAT: MY SHIPPING GRID WAS A LOT BETTER THAN THIS.
KARKAT: IT HAD A CLEAR PURPOSE FOR WHEN THE HUMANS BEAT THE GAME.
KARKAT: AND IT ONLY INCLUDED FOUR PEOPLE, SO IT WAS EFFICIENT.
SOLLUX: your 2hiipiing griid wa2n't actually that good
KARKAT: YOU ARE NOT FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
KARKAT: IT WAS THE BEST SHIPPING GRID ANYONE COULD ASK FOR.
SOLLUX: okay for one ii'm pretty 2ure there ii2n't a siingle cii2 per2on iin the human's 2e22iion
SOLLUX: be2iide2 dave KARKAT: AND WHY DOES THAT FUCKING MATTER?
SOLLUX: and for two at lea2t half of the humans have 2ome 2ort of cru2h on a troll
KARKAT: I TOLD THEM NOT TO DO THAT.
KARKAT: I FUCKING WARNED THEM.
KARKAT: BUT NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME, DO THEY?
SOLLUX: ii don't thiink your 2hiipiing griid even matter2 that much
SOLLUX: we have ectobiiology after all
KARKAT: WELL, THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS...
KARKAT: UH...
KARKAT: JUST GIVE ME A SECOND, I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING
SOLLUX: ii'm sure you wiill
KARKAT: SHUT UP.
KARKAT: ANYWAY, IT'S CLEAR NO ONE GETS HOW MOIRAILS WORK.
KARKAT: HAS NO ONE EVEN WATCHED IN WHICH A RUSTBLOOD ESCAPES FROM CULLING BY-
SOLLUX: you're riight no one has watched that moviie
KARKAT: OH MY GOG.
KARKAT: HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW ANNOYING YOU ARE?
SOLLUX: ye2
KARKAT: AS I WAS SAYING, IN THAT MOVIE, THE PROTAGONIST JOEHEE'S MOIRALLEGIANCE WITH THE CHARACTER XEFROS IS FOCUSED AROUND HER PREVENTING HIM FROM HARMING PEOPLE USING PSYCHIC POWERS.
KARKAT: AND THE MAIN CONFLICT COMES FROM WHEN XEFROS ATTACKS A SUBJUGGLATOR AND THE TWO OF THEM HAVE TO ESCAPE FROM A TRAIN
KARKAT: THE FAILURE OF THAT MOIRALLEGIANCE LED TO THEM BOTH DISAPPEARING, PROBABLY KILLED BY SOME DRONE OR WILDLIFE
KARKAT: IT WAS BASED OFF OF A TRUE STORY, APPARENTLY.
SOLLUX: ii doubt iit
SOLLUX: iit's a romance moviie, tho2e thiing2 are never actually ba2ed off real liife
SOLLUX: ii doubt joehee or xefro2 even exii2ted

JOEY & XEFROS

Years in the past, but not many...

Your name is JOEY CLAIRE, and you and your friend XEFROS TRITOH have been running from a large amount of IMPERIAL DRONES for what feels like over an hour, although it's probably only been a few minutes. You've narrowly been avoiding them for the past few days, ever since the train crashed. It's been ten days since you arrived on Alternia, which is bad news considering that means both Alternia and Earth are going to be destroyed.

JOEY: alright, it's just another puzzle.
JOEY: this time with deadly consequences.
XEFROS: i could try to use my psychic powers again?
JOEY: but those only work occasionally, and i don't want you to get hurt again.
XEFROS: this could be an Xception like when i strifed with azdaja.
JOEY: just give me a bit to think.
JOEY: there's only so much brainpower i can use when i'm also running for my life.

It doesn't seem like there's much in your sylladex that would help out at this point. Most of everything has been used to solve every single stupid puzzle you've come across, and what's left is too important to throw at the drones. Your weapons aren't much help either, seeing as you're too far away from the drones to stomp on them, too close to them to do the funny bee dance, and you don't think they'd stop if you shined your flashlight at them.

You attempt to shine your flashlight at them anyway.

As you suspected, it has no effect, but the flashlight itself seems to jerk your hand slightly to the right. When you glance in that direction you see just a short ways away is a large tower with a frog head on the top. It looks like some sort of ancient temple. Maybe you could hide or find something to attack with there.

JOEY: xefros! go to the frog temple thing!
XEFROS: got it.

Now that you have a goal, your pace quickens a bit. Xefros played some troll sports, so he's still a bit faster than you, but you still make it to the frog temple at about the same time. A metal door you hadn't seen slams shut behind you, and the inside of the temple goes completely dark.

Okay, maybe not completely dark. You still have your flashlight. You flick it on, and sweep the beam around the temple. The walls are completely clear and pristene, as if erosion just didn't happen in the temple. The entire place seems empty, but in the sense that something should be here but isn't. Finally, you direct the light to the strange machine in the center of the room, and gasp.

XEFROS: what is it?
JOEY: the-
JOEY: how did skaianet get here?
XEFROS: skaianet?
JOEY: that's the company my babysitter works at!
JOEY: but it's from earth, how did it get here?
XEFROS: hmm.
XEFROS: maybe someone used the same portal you did.
JOEY: but then, who?

You walk towards the deactivated kiosk on the machine, and press the On button. Large floodlights pop on around the temple, blinding you and likely also Xefros. After your vision clears, you can see the temple in its entirety, and the entire place is as empty as you thought. You also notice a sealed letter placed on top of the keyboard, with a message in your dad's handwriting on top.

To my daughter. From your Pa.

JOEY: he knew.
JOEY: he knew i would come here somehow.

You try to do your best to open the envelope without ripping it, and grab the actual letter in the center. You unfold it, and your heart instantly drops further and further as you read more.

Dear Jade,
I hope you are having an excellent time in your game of Sburb! I would have loved to help you out, but unfortunately I am in a bit of a predicament right now, and from your perspective I have likely died. If you have made it to this temple somehow, then you would probably appreciate knowing how it works. It is what created Sburb! Or rather, what will create Sburb. I hope you have some sort of SkaiaNet battery - that is the only thing that will power the code thingamabob! Make sure you do it, or Miss Roxy Lalonde says you may cause a paradox. Have fun with the rest of your game!
Love, your pa, Jake Harley.

JOEY: oh.
JOEY: i should have expected that.
XEFROS: hey, do you think we need to activate this machine?
JOEY: probably.
JOEY: just use this battery.

You pop the battery out of your flashlight, and hand it to Xefros, although you're too lost in thought to pay attention. You meander away from the center of the temple. Of course your dad had another kid. That would explain the constant absence and the necessity for Roxy to babysit you and Jude all of the time. But at least now you know, which is better than not knowing, right?

Right?

XEFROS: whoa

You glance back at the machine and have to stare as well. A beam protrudes from the top, carving out the walls with what seems like a bunch of complicated code. It's mesmorizing. The only thing that breaks your gaze is the sound of ruffling feathers behind you.

JOEY: who's there?
CROW: Found them.

JOHN & MEENAH

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and for your tenth birthday, your DAD decided to bring you into some far away woods and go on a picnic. You suspect that he has a large amount of cake stored in various locations around the car, which probably means a lot of them have been bumped and squashed by the time you pull onto the side of the road near a large field. Two people are already present - a blonde woman and someone who is probably her son. The woman turns and speedwalks over to the car as you and your dad get out.

ROXY: it's about time
ROXY: me and richard have been waifinng here for like an our
ROXY: *waiting
ROXY: *hour
DAD: SORRY. I HAD TO MAKE SOME MORE CAKES. IT'S JOHN'S BIRTHDAY TODAY. I AM SO, SO PROUD OF HIM.
ROXY: nah its fine
ROXY: it was really jsut fifteen mintutes
ROXY: also happy birthday john
JOHN: oh!
JOHN: thank you.

Roxy introduces her to her son, Rick, and your dad eventually asks if him and you could walk around the other parts of the field while he prepares lunch (more cakes). For a while, the two of you just walk in silence, until Rick speaks up.

RICK: My name's actually Rose.
ROSE: And I'm a girl.
JOHN: cool!
JOHN: wait, but how does that work?
JOHN: how does your mom not know?
ROSE: It's because I'm physically a boy, but like in reality I'm a girl.
ROSE: I'd like to say that before we talk more.
JOHN: that's cool, i wish...
ROSE: hmm?
JOHN: wait a minute.
JOHN: i remember this.
JOHN: i remember that i said i wish i could be like that.
JOHN: even though i don't really feel like that.
ROSE: What are you talking about?
JOHN: this isn't real.
JOHN: it's just a memory.

You take a step into the forest and instead find yourself popping out of a slightly reflective bubble.

JOHN: but then that means...
MEENAH: you're dead?

You jump back, almost falling back into the dream bubble, and you see a grey-skinned girl spinning a 2x3dent behind her. She stops and stares at you for a few seconds.

MEENAH: sup, the name's meena)(.
JOHN: oh, i'm john.
MEENAH: we're all dead )(ere. suck it up.
MEENAH: if you can remember w)(en you died you get cool w)(ite eyes like me
JOHN: it was terezi, wasn't it.
JOHN: yeah, she tricked me into fighting typheus and it went badly.
JOHN: i went into the cave and he told me that i could either die and be removed from existence.
JOHN: or i could choose to die and eventually grow in power after death, but have some big responsibility on my shoulders.
MEENAH: well i t)(ink i know w)(at you chose
MEENAH: seeing as you still exist
MEENAH: now t)(ere's only one way i know to grow in power relating to dead people
MEENAH: the less g)(ost yous you have the more power you get from t)(em
MEENAH: i think i saw a g)(ost egbert earlier in a different bubble
MEENAH: let me do something real quick

Meenah disappears into another dream bubble, and you're left alone again. You have no clue what big responsibility you could have being dead. Thankfully, a loud voice booms in your head - the one of Typheus.

JOHN EGBERT, YOU HAVE BEEN SEPERATED FROM THE CORE SELF. YOU ARE NO LONGER A PART OF THE CENTRAL JUNE. FIND THE TREASURE, HEIR. DEFEAT THE LORD OF TIME.

Chapter Text

> FIND W)(O IS R--ESPONSIBL--E. KILL T)(--EM.

What?

You're not sure where that thought came from, but you don't really care seeing as you don't know what "who is responsible" means. Responsible for what? Plus, you're only in orbit around the moon of the troll planet to talk to this Doc Scratch guy. Well, you say talk, but it's probably going to end in some sort of fight judging on how pissed he seemed when you told Rose that there was no Green Sun. On the other hand, if he didn't want that to be revealed, then why'd he lie and say that there was one? Honesty is the best policy and all that.

You drift around the moon, looking for where Doc Scratch could be, until you come across a very tall tower, which based on your video game knowledge means there's a Big Bad in it. You assume Doc Scratch is that Big Bad. Anyone who tries to manipulate people in terrible ways in order to further their own goals is probably some sort of bad guy. You float upwards toward the top of the tower just in time to see some weird human whacking a guy with a cue ball for a head with a broom.

CROW: yo which one of you is doc scratch?

The cue ball guy looks up at you. At least, you think. You have no idea what looking means for someone who has no eyes, and also no face.

That would be me.
HUSSIE: So you don't become inanimate when-
That's enough of that.

Doc Scratch waves his hand at the human, who subsequently flies out the window.

I apologize for that. He isn't necessary anymore.
Now, where were we?

> FIND W)(O IS R--ESPONSIBL--E. KILL T)(--EM.

Agh! That voice again! There's something really annoying about it, and you feel like you recognize at least parts of the tone or something. You shrug it off again. If anything, it's probably trying to make you kill Doc Scratch, and although you want to, there's something strange about him that makes you feel like that would be a bad idea.

I said, where were we?
CROW: nah man i heard you the first time
CROW: didn't feel like it was worth listening to
CROW: i mean its probably just some more shit trying to manipulate me into ending the universe or something
CROW: you know how it is with weird cue ball guys in suits
CROW: "oh my name is doc scratch" how clever you made a billiards pun
CROW: amazing 10/10
All of the knowledge of a first guardian and yet you still don't know how to shut up.
CROW: i simply choose not to
Very well.
To put it simply, there is a way that timelines must go.
You are well aware of this already, I assume.
Given what happened in your original timeline.
CROW: youre not saying what i think youre saying are you
Damara? I think it's time to test your prowess.

A small troll girl peeks out from behind one of the walls. She looks strangely similar to Aradia, but you have a feeling they are not the same, just based on how this girl is not a robot, and at least before she stopped talking to you, Aradia was. She draws two needles from her hair, and they glow with some sort of strange energy.

I apologize, but timelines must remain constant. And you are too much of a temporal anomaly.

STRIFE!

The girl - Damara, that's what Doc Scratch said her name was - instantly charges at you. You slide to the side, your bro's training kicking into effect. You don't want to be on the wrong end of those needles, if Rose's usage of them is any indication. Sure enough, Damara also begins to shoot bolts of flashing light from their ends as you frantically dodge around the room. You unsheathe your version of the caledscratch, switching it to the not broken version as you try to evade in a way that will get you closer to her while also not getting killed, maimed, or otherwise hurt in some matter. It proves to be pretty difficult. She is somehow faster than you no matter what you try, bobbing and weaving through your strikes while she blasts at you with the needles. There's no way you can possibly-

(CROW): dumbass
(CROW): you literally have the ability to go through time
(CROW): use it

Oh, yeah, you do have that power. Maybe you should use that instead of doing this weird flying-around-dodging-defensive strategy you have going on.

CROW: couldn't you have told me that earlier?
(CROW): nope! causality.
(CROW): you're gonna need to jump 15 minutes into the past in about fifteen seconds
CROW: why 15
CROW: and why did you use two different versions of 15 in a single sentence
(CROW): because that's what i told me earlier
CROW: fair
(CROW): ok bye

You assume that means you need to travel back now. So you do. Like every time you've done this before, you feel that tug towards a certain point in time - 15 minutes ago, like future you said. You pop back out in the room, ready to see the room with a lot less Damara and probably also Doc Scratch not being there (because otherwise, why would he have been arguing with the other guy?). Instead, you watch as a past you is still fighting Damara, as if you barely went back any time at all. And past you is struggling with the battle in the same way you were before you appeared.

CROW: dumbass
CROW: you literally have the ability to go through time
CROW: use it

It's like the fifteen minutes you traveled through weren't actually fifteen minutes, like they went by faster, or something.

(CROW): couldn't you have told me that earlier?
CROW: nope! causality.
CROW: you're gonna need to jump 15 minutes into the past in about fifteen seconds
(CROW): why 15
(CROW): and why did you use two different versions of 15 in a single sentence
CROW: because that's what i told me earlier
(CROW): fair
CROW: ok bye

The other you disappears in a flash of red light, and you finally get a glimpse of the grandfather clock behind Doc Scratch's desk. It doesn't have an hour hand for some reason. Only a second and minute hand.
Wait.
You've been forced to see too many shitty movies with June. This isn't a broken clock, it's just-

CROW: fuck
CROW: really? speeding up time?
CROW: if that isn't the most cliche thing i could be part of right now

As if on cue, three other versions of you appear from various points slightly in the future. You don't know why they took this long to show up, but they did, and that means you have to show up this late as well. The four of you take turns attacking and distracting Damara as she wildly fires blasts at you and (you) and [you] and {you}, getting slightly more tired as time goes on. You realize you have to loop again, so you do, and repeat that entire fight another three times until all of the other yous blink away and you're left almost alone again.

But she's still somehow getting faster. Or really, you're getting slower.

You feel another tug on your body, and you realize you need to jump again, but suddenly the tug spreads outwards, around you. The tug is different this time, like you're not being tugged, but rather doing the tugging. To what, you don't know. But it's the same as when you're jumping through time, and moving yourself where you need to go. You embrace it - since your powers are not something you can mess around with -

and the entire room collapses in on itself.

==>

When you come to, the first thing you notice is that the roof of Doc Scratch's mansion has been blown clean off, giving you a clear view of Alternia above you. The second thing you notice is a carpacian in a hoodie suddenly leaning over you, with a look of worry on their face.

MSPA READER: Are you okay?
MSPA READER: I've read enough of Homestuck and fan adventures to know that awakening to that sort of power can be out of control sometimes.
CROW: ...homestuck?
MSPA READER: Oh, shoot!
MSPA READER: Forget I said that. Casual spoilers.
MSPA READER: Anyway, you're a Knight of Space, huh.
MSPA READER: Pretty cool power set as long as space actually agrees with what you want to do.
CROW: uh, no?
CROW: i'm a knight of time.
CROW: you know, the opposite of space?
CROW: i'd think that would be obvious by the fact that i have the ability to travel through time.
CROW: unless there's some sort of weird thing in the carpace language?
CROW: like, switching what time and space mean.
CROW: actually, no, that wouldn't make much sense seeing as you guys are a big part of sburb
MSPA READER: Then who made the roof cave in?
DAMARA: WAS NOT ME.
CROW: wait wait wait why are you not trying to brutally murder me right now
DAMARA: HE'S DEAD.

Damara gestures towards Doc Scratch - or at least, Doc Scratch's body. He lays limp like a puppet against a model of Skaia, and one of his legs is completely ripped off. Something shiny peeks out of a pocket on his outfit.

CROW: ah, you were attacking me because of him.
CROW: but wait, if he's strong enough to beat you, then why'd he die from being hurt once?
CROW: and also i'm still confused with that whole space thing and all that.

You stand up, walk over to Doc Scratch's body, and pull the object out of his pocket. It's a disc with the words HOMESTUCK: DISC 2 inscribed on it.

MSPA READER: Wait, he had it the whole time?
MSPA READER: We need that for the rest of the Act to run!
CROW: it looks like that's not going to happen. look.

You flip the disc over to verify that it's cracked, and sure enough, there's a long line down the middle that looks like it was the unfortunate continuation of a scratch the disc had been subjected to earlier. It's in the same pattern as the one that was on your shirt before you became a sprite.

MSPA READER: We're fucked.
MSPA READER: Now Act 5 can't end, and we can't see the end of the game at all, and-

> FIND W)(O IS R--ESPONSIBL--E. KILL T)(--EM.

The end of the game? Why would that matter? You only have one objective right now - finding out each and every person responsible for the destruction of Alternia, bringing them all together, and ending their pitiable existence. Nothing could be simpler. First things first, you need to captchalogue these two- the Handmaid and the other one. The Handmaid knows everything that helped Her Imperious Condescension rise to power, and probably also knows who some of the culprits could be. The other one seems like he could be useful for his knowledge of the Homestuck thing.

First things first. Alternia was destroyed by Sgrub, so getting the people who put Sgrub on Alternia would be part one of revenge. So you pierce through time, back a few years, and fly down towards the dormant Frog Temple. Writing begins to appear on the side of the temple as you approach it, and you burst through the side, sword drawn in case of resistance. Instead, you're met by a human child and a troll child. You captchalogue them too. No point in getting blood over everything right now when you could contain all of the violence to a small area.

Next. The person who retrieved the code. It takes you a bit of discussion, but you find out that it's the Handmaid's ancestor. You nab her just as she awakens into a god tier on Derse. You notice an earlier version of yourself slipping away just before you reach her - if your remember correctly, they were about to kill the original Dave so he could awaken on Derse. The Maid of Time's death will be Just, so it doesn't matter if she is god tier or not - and you have Time powers yourself, so you shouldn't need to worry about her using those against you.

The one who released the game and the one who started it are in roughly the same place. You just need to teleport onto the meteor, snatch the two from their conversation, and teleport back off. The only surprising thing is that one of them is the reincarnation of the Signless. Not surprising that the Signless would be a cause of all these problems. His death will be more painful than the others.

Finally, the one who wrote the guide, RL. She's on the planet of Skaia in some unimportant new session, so you simply teleport straight there, and dump all of the bodies (except for the Handmaid and the Reader) onto some balcony. You charge up your sword with the power granted to you by being the Knight of Space, and stab forwards.

JUNE: STOP!

Some girl in a blue god-tier outfit dives in front of the blade, erupting a wall of wind behind her to protect the others. She is promptly met by a stab to the chest, and she looks up at you with betrayal in her eyes before her body goes limp. The wall behind her disappears, and you see the people behind that draw various weapons, some which look more dangerous than others.

Her sacrifice doesn't matter. You're still going to kill all of the others, and her trying to stop you but also save her friends makes it both Heroic and Just. She's dead permanently no matter what. You kick her corpse to the side, and decide to just get things over with, without theatrics. First you slice through the RL girl, then you remove the head of the one who looks like the Ψiioniic, and then-

>STOP.

Every single muscle in your body ceases movement. The energy around your sword dies down, and your eyes focus.

What the fuck.

Why did you do all that?

What is wrong with you?

You can't let yourself harm anyone else.

So instead, you stab yourself in the stomach.

ROSE: WAKE UP.

So that's what betrayal is like.

And that's what the bodies you saw in your crystal ball was from.

Maybe it was the ring that corrupted them. Maybe they just got power hungry.

But you can't beat that power on your own.

It was about time to seal the pact.

Your bedroom - or, well, your Derse bedroom - explodes, along with the rest of the moon. The tentacles of darkness you now control slither their way down the chain to the rest of Derse. Dave's dream self is annihilated in the explosion, but he has another one. He's expendable, too, as long as Crow dies and the game is destroyed.

You can see everything now. Every string that holds this game together. Every bit of light you need to snuff out.

Crow's actions will cascade into something they will never see coming.

Chapter Text

WITCH OF SPACE. WHAT BRINGS YOU TO MY DOMAIN?

JADE: i don't know, i just had a feeling.
JADE: we made the genesis frog, and then dave died so he could go be his dream self.
JADE: i had nothing left to do, so i came here!

...

VERY WELL.

I WILL OFFER YOU A CHOICE.

THIS UNIVERSE WILL NOT LIVE FOR MUCH LONGER.

IT EXISTS ONLY TO FOSTER SOMETHING MUCH GREATER.

JADE: something larger than a universe?

THE GREEN SUN.

THE SOURCE OF POWER FOR EVERY FIRST GUARDIAN ACROSS EVERY UNIVERSE.

YOUR CHOICE IS THIS.

YOU MAY EITHER STAY IN THIS UNIVERSE AS IT COLLAPSES, PERISHING WITH IT.

OR YOU MAY ENGAGE ON A QUEST TO SAVE YOUR FRIENDS, SACRIFICING A LIFE IN THE PROCESS.

JADE: what???
JADE: so my options are either to die or to die?

THE CHOICE MAY SEEM IMPOSSIBLE, BUT IT IS THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE.

JADE:...
JADE: what's the quest?

YOU HAVE MADE YOUR CHOICE.

JADE: no! i didn't! i was asking for clarification!

YOUR QUEST IS TO CAUSE THE SCRATCH.

BEGIN.

==>

You can't breathe. You can't move. Everything is dark but you're sure your eyes are open. If you even have eyes. You're not sure you even have a body. It feels cold and hot at the same time. Like you're both upside-down and right side up.

tick

Your vision lights up with a yellow glow, and a voice in your head reads HEROIC

tock

JUST
tick
HEROIC
tock
JUST
tick
HEROIC
tock
JUST

The flashing between the two only gets faster and faster. Your eyes start to hurt and you try to squeeze them shut but you can't because you don't have a body wherever you are so you stop trying to squeeze them shut and open them up and

??????: WHAT DID I TELL YOU? SHE'S WAKING UP. SEE?

You gasp for air, breath filling your lungs. Your head throbs, your chest hurts where you got stabbed, and you're pretty sure the liquid pooled around you is your blood. Gathered around you are two grey-skinned people with orange horns - most likely trolls, you assume - as well as a human kid around your age and a carpacian in a hoodie. Each of them stares from the vantage point of directly over your body, except that until a few seconds ago, it was probably your corpse. (And to think, you just got this body as well!)

????: she got stabbed in the heart? how is she still alive?
????: there's not a way to treat death!
??????: it might have something to do with the god tier revivals
??????: she was definitely dead before a few seconds ago
??????: DO YOU NOT THINK HER JUMPING IN FRONT OF THE BLADE WAS HEROIC?

Okay, you're pretty sure that's Karkat, given the large amount of shouting he's doing.

KARKAT: YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO JUST SAY AN ENTIRE SELF-SACRIFICE WAS POINTLESS?
KARKAT: AMAZING JOB RIGHT THERE, JUST SHITTING ON SOMEONE'S DEATH.
??????: hence why i said might :)
JUNE:...what?
KARKAT: GOOD, YOU ARE ALIVE.
JUNE: what the heck happened?
KARKAT: OH, NOTHING MUCH, JUST THAT THIS ORANGE GUY TRIED TO KILL ALL OF US?
KARKAT: THE SAME ONE WHO HAPPENED TO COME FROM YOUR SESSION TO RUIN OURS.
KARKAT: YET ANOTHER THING TO ADD TO THE LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE YOUR FAULT.
??????: i think it's a bit more complicated than that
??????: if they hadn't "ruined" our session, it would have caused a paradox
??????: our session was ruined because we caused it to ruin itself
KARKAT: OH, REALLY?
KARKAT: I DON'T RECALL EVER TRYING TO RUIN EVERYTHING.
KARKAT: IN FACT, I THINK I WAS THE ONLY ONE TRYING TO MAKE SURE WE WON.
??????: you're partially correct.
??????: it was technically the fault of vriska.
JUNE: wait, what?
??????: karkat, do you remember what the creature who destroyed our victory platform looked like?
KARKAT: OF COURSE I DO!
KARKAT: IT WAS THE ORANGE BIRD GUY OVER THERE.
KARKAT: WHY WOULD I NOT REMEMBER THAT?
KARKAT: THE KEY POINT WHERE EVERYTHING WENT WRONG IS WHAT THAT WAS.
??????: think again :)
??????: it wasn't even a person who destroyed the victory platform.
??????: rather, it was the sovereign slayer himself, jack noir.
KARKAT: YEAH, RIGHT.
KARKAT: JACK WOULDN'T DO THAT TO US.
KARKAT: AND I CAN TRUST MY OWN EYES. THAT WASN'T JACK NOIR.
???? ??????: no, wait.
???? ??????: jack was the one to destroy the victory platform.
KARKAT: HOW.
???? ??????: well, the clearest explanation is in-

> [S] CASCADE.

A beacon of light blasts through the clouds, parting them in almost a perfect circle before it reaches the ground just outside the castle. Looking up, you follow the beam to a large record shaped object on LOHAC.

JUNE: what the hell?
???? ??????: why is the scratch starting so early?
??????: why are you even starting the scratch? that should be a last resort for when you can't finish the game.
??????: you could have just taken the grist hoards at this point and awakened the genesis frog.
JUNE: so what i get is that crow attacked us for whatever reason.
JUNE: but who is "us" exactly? i don't know who any of you.
JUNE: i assume the shouty one is karkat, but what about everyone else?
KARKAT: SHOUTY ONE?
ARADIA: i'm aradia megido. the troll who looks like me on the floor over there is my anscestor, damara.
JOEY: i'm joey.
XEFROS: xefros.
MSPA READER: i don't think i even have a name? i just read ms paint adventures.
ARADIA: anyway, back to what i was saying. there shouldn't be a reason to do a scratch right now.
ARADIA: you four are really united, are all strong enough to beat the game, and probably have barely enough time to do it.
ARADIA: it just doesn't make sense without some serious threat, and you've already dealt with Jack.
KARKAT: I DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT YOUR INCREDULITY
KARKAT: ACTUALLY, I DO MEAN TO INTERRUPT IT
KARKAT: WHY DOES IT FUCKING MATTER WHY THIS SCRATCH THING IS HAPPENING IF IT'S ALREADY STARTED?
KARKAT: ALSO WHY HAS NO ONE MENTIONED HOW THE GROUND IS SHAKING?

You hadn't even noticed, but now that Karkat has mentioned it, you feel a slight tremor in the floor beneath your feet.

JOEY: i think it might be a good idea to get out of here!
JUNE: how?
JUNE: we can't fly or anything.
ARADIA: well, you can.
ARADIA: and so can i.
ARADIA: have you been walking around this whole time?

Flying? Is she talking about using the Breeze to propel yourself around? But that wouldn't make sense, because how would she be able to do it as well? She's not a breath player, so-

ARADIA: going god tier gives you the power to fly.

Oh.

The shaking around you starts to gradually get stronger. You start to see black tendrils curl around the landscape, and a storm forms on the horizon, spreading faster than you've ever seen in the past. One of the castle's spires breaks off and slams into the side of the balcony you all are on, and Karkat trips backwards over Crow's unconscious body. Their eyes slowly start to open.

CROW: wha...?
CROW: why am i still alive?
KARKAT: THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD QUESTION.
CROW: i don't-

Suddenly, they stand up at full attention. You swear there's a shimmering icon above their head that's the shape of one of those zodiac signs - the one with the circle with horns above it.

CROW: You need to get off of that planet!
CROW: 1t's break1ng apart from that bomb 1ns1de of 1t, and there's some1 else try1ng to destroy the ent1re game.
JUNE: wait, you're talking really weird.
ARADIA: tavros? are you speaking through crow?
CROW: heey, i'm here too ::::)
CROW: We're gonna need to get you off Skaia and to the meteor as soon as poss1ble.
CROW: You ready?

==>

She approaches the planet. It's been 612 sweeps since she heard the Vast Glub reverberate throughout the universe. Something must have gone terribly wrong.

She sees the ruins of buildings, palaces, and businesses. Corpses of lusii, highbloods, and lowbloods scatter the many landscapes. Nature has attempted to reclaim what it can - the small amount of plants not instantly killed by the Vast Glub now coil through old cities and desolate fields.

She sends out a command, if anyone's left. Find who was responsible for this, and kill them.

The surface of Alternia no longer is covered by lights. Trains lay motionless on tracks. Drones stand still next to outposts, waiting for orders from highbloods which will never come.

She sends out the command again.

The capital city of Alternia has been razed to the ground, bombarded with craters. Not a single scrap of the old palace remains. She drifts above, looking for some sort of reason for all of this, and sees the shape the craters align in.

The symbol of the Signless.

Her rage begins to build. Of course it was the Signless. Of course he would come back some day and erase everything she had worked on. This isn't about the Vast Glub anymore. Now, it's about revenge.

She sends out the command one last time, getting a slight connection to something before it disappears entirely, and then heads to the moon of the First Guardian. As she approaches, she sees the room the two of them did business in completely demolished. A strange, carpace-covered creature in a strange hat stands over the ruins of the clock which used to be the centerpiece of the room. She throws him onto her ship - she can just use psionics to have him fight for her if she needs to, and he looked strong enough to use as a soldier.

She finally found the body of her old partner, collapsed against the wreckage of a table. His head still crackled with some sort of power, so she grabbed his head and shattered it in her palm. The artifact inside, a rapidly flashing arena stickball, is quickly deposited into her collection of artifacts. She goes to leave, before noticing another thing clattering towards the floor. She picks it up. It's a small floppy disk, with the writing HE WAS NEVER HERE on the side. It doesn't seem important, so she tosses it behind her.

She doesn't notice the hand grabbing the drive and slipping off into Andrew Hussie's room.

It doesn't matter for her anyway. As long as she can find some way to find who caused the destruction of her planet, she'll be satisfied.

==>

You finally manage to shoot a direct hit into the skull of the last ogre. It's really creepy how they all look like you, but unlike what John had predicted, they still very much want to kill you. Figures. You're finally allowed a moment of respite from all of these creatures trying to stop the scratch. You think. You're actually not sure if they can stop it.

You take a glance upwards Skaia to see the normal clouds surrounding the planets turning dark around some point. Fissures appear around the planet, and you have a feeling a good amount of little chess guys are dying in terrible ways. Something has to be going wrong down there. You pull up Pesterchum and shoot a few messages to your friends.

--- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] ---

GG: john, are you okay?
GG: are you on skaia?
GG: did you forget your computer again?

Of course he forgot again. He should know by now that you need to have at least five computers on your self at any time.

BZZZ

EB: i'm fine! kinda.
EB: we're currently escaping from skaia.

Never mind.

EB: all of us on the planet are heading to the troll's asteroid.
EB: aradia wants to know why you started the scratch.
GG: my denizen told me to.
GG: it's part of my quest.
GG: i also need to take the planets we have with me, houses and everything.
EB: maybe you can meet up with us on the meteor!
EB: and can you make sure rose's dream self and dave come with too?
GG: sure, as long as i can find them.
EB: see you soon!
GG: :)

You check around again. Still no more enemies, and the Scratch looks about 75% done. You slip on your Junior Compu-Sooth Spectagoggles (trademark pending) and start glancing around the Incinisphere. First, you take a look in John's direction, and see him (who looks like a girl for whatever reason), his dad, someone who looks like an older Rose, a very-prototyped Davesprite, a number of trolls, and a chess guy in a hoodie getting ready to do something with god-tier and sprite powers. You think they have that covered.

Next, you try to view Rose, through your Friend Locationator extension you added to the goggles - but all you get is static. You try to move around for a point when that stops, and eventually decide to just zoom out a bunch. Eventually, your vision goes to just black, before you suddenly see checkerboards and clouds and realize you're viewing the dark clouds around Skaia.

Shit.

So if Rose has gone some sort of crazy, the only one left would be Dave. You load him up onto the Friend Locationator, and...

FRIEND NOT FOUND.

What?

That's gotta be a fluke. You try it again.

FRIEND NOT FOUND.

You try to find Derse instead, but you also can't do that. You look around the edge of the Incinisphere for something, some clue to where it could be, but all you see is empty space, like it never existed. You do another sweep, and that's when you see a glance of red. You quickly focus on just because it might be a shred of the moon, until you realize.

"That's no moon, that's a spaceship." - American abolitionist & orator, Frederick Douglass

You are almost certain Frederick Douglass said that.

==>

Your name is ROSE LALONDE, and you've already removed Derse from existence. That was a good first step, although doing it to the smallest celestial body in the Incinisphere isn't that much of an achievement. Next step is Skaia itself. If you can destroy the battlefield, you can probably destroy the game, and at least the battlefield doesn't have a Denizen to fight inside it. You plant yourself on the surface of the planet, probing around with beams of darkness to see if you can find any trace of Crow. You'd be able to beat him with your current level of power - seeing as you were confident you could beat Jack Noir the other time you were about to go Grimdark.

You find no trace of anything. Maybe some dying or dead carpacians here or there, but not your friends and enemies. At least not on this side of the planet. Thank goodness you can fly now.

You float by broken castles, flaming meteors, and fissures in the ground which only grow further and further across the landscape. The Land of Heat and Clockwork appears over the horizon, and you see the Beat Mesa has almost completely broken in half, scratched down the middle just like Dave's old shirt. It's already detached from the planet, only held up by a beam of energy. If you focus enough, you can barely see a small figure standing on the edge. It's probably Dave, seeing as that's his planet.

Finally, you detect something. A group of people flying off from the planet. Crow's probably kidnapping them again for whatever purpose. You rush up to where you found the sign as fast as your powers can take you.

==>

ARADIA: on three!
ARADIA: one...
ARADIA: two...
FRAYMOTIF: WINDTUNNEL THROUGH SPACETIME

You are pretty sure were it not for the bubble of air you had surrounding the nine of you (plus two bodies) you would be torn apart based on how fast you're going. That's what you get for being propelled by two Time players - although for some reason, Crow seems to be controlling space as well.

As you approach the edge of the Incinisphere, you begin to notice the bubbles. Colorful glowing balls showing different events in different lives that weave and bob through Paradox Space, as nearby asteroids break out of the fringe of the game and head towards Skaia. You're so busy marveling at them that it takes you a second to realize your pesterchum has been vibrating. Seeing as you're going to be here probably for a few minutes, you can probably spare some time to look at it.

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

AC: :33 < *nepeta jumps in front of the blue human, eyeing them up and down*
AC: :33 < hello there :3
EB: oh uh is this a roleplay thing?
EB: let me try
EB: *june pats the troll catgirl on the head*
EB: you are the cat one, right?
EB: i remember rose told me about you a little bit after i met tavros for the first time.
AC: :33 < *nepeta purrs happily, and then jumps back into the jungle, her mission complete*
EB: huh, that was weird.
EB: oh hey karkat's mentioning me, i think that's our first conversation from his perspective!
EB: alright see you nepeta, hopefully when we're all on the meteor!
AC: :33 < *you hear a faint "see you :3" from the depths of the trees*

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.
CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING.
CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.
CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD.
CG: I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME.
CG: WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL.
CG: PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK.

JUNE: karkat, this is hilarious.
JUNE: your trolling is so entrenched in irony that it goes from being annoying to funny again.
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
JUNE: is this your first time trolling from your perspective?
KARKAT: OH NO.
KARKAT: DO NOT FINISH THAT CONVERSATION.
KARKAT: IT WILL NOT HELP US IN ANY WAY.
KARKAT: JUST SHUT OFF YOUR WEIRD HUSKTOP AND FORGET ABOUT IT.
JUNE: well now i've gotta see.
KARKAT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
KARKAT: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
KARKAT: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

EB: hello karkat!
CG: WHAT
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME.
EB: the you from my point in the timeline is right next to me!
EB: you decided to troll me backwards because of something that happened in this conversation.
EB: but we're buddies now!
EB: and i'm buddies with a bunch of your other troll friends.
EB: except for vriska, i hate her.
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE DECIDED.
CG: YOU'RE TOO GOOD AT GETTING ON MY NERVES AT THIS POINT.
CG: MAYBE PAST YOU IS WORSE AND I CAN ACTUALLY TROLL YOU EFFECTIVELY.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

JUNE: that wasn't too bad.
JUNE: you said it would be embarrasing?
KARKAT: WHAT? LET ME SEE.
KARKAT: NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
KARKAT: I DON'T THINK.
ARADIA: you can argue about timelines later! we're hitting the meteor in three-
CROW: oops.

You very nearly slam into the surface of a meteor before bouncing off of your wind bubble and instead bonk into the floor in a much less violent way. Everyone else seems to be relatively unharmed as well. Except for the bodies, but they were already dead. A short silence falls over all of you, before a door slams open from a small building partway across the surface. You hear a chainsaw whirr.

KANAYA: What The Hell Is Going On Up Here?
VRISKA: Oh, it's the 8lue 8itch and her friends.
ARADIA: hi everyone!
NEPETA: :33 < juuuuuune! and friends too!
MSPA READER: this was not in the original [s] cascade.
KANAYA: Is Rose Not With You?
CROW: i don't even know where she is.

A flash of green light pulses from the center of the room, and Jade appears from nowhere, panting heavily. She's dressed in a full black outfit, with the space symbol emblazoned on the front, and the four worlds originally orbiting Skaia are orbiting her. Dog ears peak out above her hair, and a tail wags behind her.

JADE: no time to explain! we need to get out of here towards the new session as fast as possible. JADE: dave is dead.
JADE: rose is possessed.
JADE: and betty crocker is trying to kill us all.

(you KNEW she was evil.)

==>

Minutes in the past (but not many) ...

God damn it. They got away just before you were able to get to them. There's got to be some other way to find where Crow is taking them.
Maybe... a space player?

You fling yourself to Jade's planet, to find her sitting on her God Tier bed, focusing on something. Good, that means you can kill her if she attacks you, without actually killing her. dShe looks up as soon as she sees the clouds form around you.

ROSE: Where did they go?

==>

Rose floats above you. Her skin has changed to a dark grey, and any sense of being the seer of light has completely disappeared. She speaks to you, and all you can hear is gibberish.

ROSE: Lqbob jkl vqby si?
JADE: what? what happened to you?
ROSE: Lqbob jkl Gdil erj exx in vqb ivqbow si?
JADE: are you possessed? is this why i can't find dave?
ROSE: Jecb kw lkvq yiz kwr'v qb? Qkw jobet wbxn kw jbej.
JADE: it's okay, i just need to get whatever is messing with your head out. let me get my rifle.
ROSE: K wlbeo, kv'w xkab yiz jir'v zrjbowverj tb. Nkrb.

You draw your rifle, load up a shot, and are immediately skewered through the heart by a stray tentacle. Everything goes dark.

For a second.

When you wake up, you're back on Skaia, surrounded by craters, crevices, and commotion. You can suddenly understand everything. Why the planets stay in their orbits, why things can move how fast they do, and more importantly, how you can break every known law of physics. You finally understand why Echidna said you needed to take the planets with you to the new session. It's a lot easier when you can shrink the planets down to a small size. And you can easily dodge the 2x3dent that's hurtling at your face and why is there a 2x3dent hurtling at your face?

Oh, right. The ship with the weird Betty Crocker trident logo.

You quickly grab the four planets back into orbit around you, and follow the residual trail of feathers Crow left behind to the meteor. From there, it's a simple sequence of issuing a warning to the people on the meteor, before speeding it up to nearly light speed towards the new session.

==>

The ships take off towards the direction Jade sped off to. You cling to the back of one, having suppressed the dark aura surrounding you to manageable levels. You don't understand why Jade couldn't answer any of your questions, and you're fairly sure June and Dave are both dead.

You're completely alone now.

But at least Skaia is putting on a nice light show.

The Beat Mesa shatters into an infinite amount of pieces. The surface of Skaia warps and twists through numerous shapes, before splintering itself, sending pieces through the rings around it. The entire Incinisphere collapses in on itself, tunneling your vision into just the very core of Skaia - where the Tumor that you had forgotten about lies.

And then it no longer lies there, and in its place is the Green Sun.

END OF ACT 5

Chapter Text

==>

ROSE: It had to happen eventually.

You dangle your legs off of the gear you're sitting on. You've dispatched all of the enemies around you for now, and Rose has decided this is an excellent time to come over.

DAVE: yeah i know but
DAVE: its weird
DAVE: ive had him as my guardian for like what
DAVE: fourteen years
DAVE: and hes been like the strongest person ive ever fought
DAVE: and then suddenly theres just one too many imp or whatever and hes dead
ROSE: We're all going to die at some point.
ROSE: This timeline's dead. And we're going with it.
DAVE: oh boy way to be a downer
DAVE: like at any point in time i could just travel back in time
DAVE: oh look its me dave 2 from the future
DAVE: john dont jetpack into a denizen lair
DAVE: problem solved
DAVE: except time shinanegans say no
DAVE: because i didnt experience myself coming into the past
DAVE: so oh shit looks like our session is doomed to die no matter what
DAVE: if i could i would jump in there and make sure i didnt get this absolute ass of a sprite
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HOO HEE HOO HAA
DAVE: god damn always talking like that and being fucking awful and shit
ROSE: And not save John from his certain death from his denizen?
DAVE: well naturally that would be next but i have to have my priorities in order
ROSE: Interesting.
DAVE: oh no you are not going to go in on this freudian bullshit again
DAVE: whats next
DAVE: your gonna say i wanna fuck my mom
DAVE: well too bad
DAVE: dont have one
DAVE: only have a bro
DAVE: and not even that anymore
DAVE: maybe you should take some of freuds advice and grow some balls
DAVE: fucking penis envy or whatever it was
DAVE: maybe some of us want it the other way around
DAVE: huh freud
DAVE: how do you feel about that
DAVE: rose what are your thoughts on penis envy
DAVE: do you want to grow a dick
ROSE: No.
ROSE: I want to get rid of the one I already have.
ROSE: And besides, most modern psychology is primarily based around disproving the misguided ideas Freud had surrounding the human psyche and its views on people's actions and interactions.
DAVE:
DAVE:
CALSPRITE: HEE HAA HOO HOO HAA HAA
DAVE:
ROSE: You're going to say something stupid, aren't you.
DAVE: honestly probably yeah
DAVE: i am just at the pinnacle of confusion at the moment
DAVE: like how
DAVE: arent you a girl and shit
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE
ROSE: Didn't I tell you already that I was transgender?
DAVE: no i think i would remember that
DAVE: also what the fuck is a transgender
DAVE: fuckin optimus prime
ROSE: I'm going to chalk that remark up to ignorance rather than malice.
ROSE: I was born a boy but decided that I felt much better being a girl as I was growing up.
ROSE: That's the most simple explanation.
DAVE: yeah ok i think i get it
DAVE: see what did i tell you
DAVE: freud was wrong as shit
DAVE: straight up the other way around
DAVE: or not straight i guess
DAVE: i dont know would it still be
ROSE: It doesn't really matter much for me, since I'm bisexual anyway.
DAVE: ah yeah fair enough
DAVE: like yeah boys can be cute as shit too
DAVE: not saying youre one
DAVE: but i mean like john
DAVE: dorky as hell
DAVE: and-
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: shut up
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO
DAVE: no
DAVE: just
DAVE: god damn it
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HOO HOO HEE HEE
DAVE: please
DAVE: just once
DAVE: shut the hell up
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HEE HEE HOO
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HEE HAA HEE HAA
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA
DAVE: shut up
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA HAA
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HEE HEE HEE
DAVE: shut
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: the
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: fuck
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: up
DAVE: thats it i cant take it anymore
DAVE: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass
DAVE: im going back
ROSE: Already?

> CROW?: Fast forward.

DAVESPRITE: hey
DAVE: sup

==>

DAVESPRITE: hey bro
DAVESPRITE: we need to get that ring
DAVESPRITE: that shits whats giving jack his power

==>

TG: well thats an excellent way to start a conversation
TG: just going to some guy and saying "wow you sucked ass less than i expected"

==>

TG: john
TG: john
TG: john what did you prototype jade's sprite with
TG: john i swear to jegus

==>

CROW: caw caw motherfuckers
CROW: actually that shits gotten really old now why the fuck am i saying it
CROW: i mean i swear im like only one sixth bird now i don't need to keep with the bird puns
CROW: oh hi robot aradia

==>

CROW: okay first of all its they/them now
CROW: since i saw you were talking about pronouns
CROW: i mean of course i have orange hair and pronouns you know
CROW: but anyway
CROW: second i gotta deal with this white text fucker

==>

CROW: dumbass
CROW: you literally have the ability to go through time
CROW: use it

==>

CROW: jade what are you talking about how is dave dead
CROW: are you sure it wasnt just a doomed dave
CROW: those can happen too you know!

> ROXY: Wake up.