Chapter Text
Squirrelflight knew better by now. She knew she could let herself get her hopes up. She couldn’t let herself think that maybe, maybe , today would be the day Bramblestar would really notice her. That he’d notice what he put her through, and that he’d notice she wasn’t happy. He’d give affection to her freely without some grand tragedy forcing them together again. She couldn’t do that to herself anymore. But she did. Every single day she hoped, prayed to Starclan, that he’d wake up- change back into the tom she fell in love with. Every day her prayers went unanswered. Squirrelflight was so tired. Tired of trying to please him all the time. Trying to be the perfect mate and the perfect deputy. Bramblestar demanded only the best. Nevertheless, she would keep trying. It was all she could do. The gathering would be coming up soon. Like always, Squirrelflight knew it would be best if she just held her tongue and supported whatever Bramblestar said. Perhaps this time she would succeed. She never was really the type to do so, but she was deputy now, and it was her job to support her leader, not to argue with him.
Rolling out of her nest, the ginger she-cat shook her head, clearing away the despairing thoughts. It was time for her to organize patrols. Another part of her job, though one that came easier to her than keeping the image of herself and her mate untarnished. Could she even call him her mate anymore? Their kits had grown up, and he didn’t seem to be interested in having more, nor did he seem very interested in her at all. Thoughts for another time. Taking long strides to stretch her legs, the deputy emerged from the warrior’s den into the clearing that made up her home. She took in the familiar sight of the stone walls surrounding the camp. The looming ledges and cliffs were laced with early morning mist. Silence enveloped the camp like snowdrifts in leafbare, peaceful and light. Mousewhisker was the only other cat to be seen, guarding the camp entrance diligently till he was relieved of his position for the day. The ginger she-cat gave him a small sympathetic smile, thinking how he must be exhausted. Once the dawn patrol set out, she’d be sure to tell him to get some rest.
She surveyed the dwindling fresh-kill pile, making a mental note to send out hunting patrols as soon as possible. Though it was only leaf-fall, it was a priority to stock up the prey they would need in the coming moons. Squirrelflight padded her way back to the warrior’s den, fluffing her fur up against the chill that was common for leaf-fall, though she could do nothing about the ice-cold stone beneath her paws. She poked her head inside, prodding a nearby silver and white cat. Ivypool lifted her head, blinking sleepily, and let out a yawn. “What do you need,” she muttered, still seeming to be stuck partially in sleep. “I’d like you to lead the dawn patrol,” the ginger she-cat instructed. “Take Lilyheart, Fernsong, and Twigpaw with you.” Ivypool nodded in response, setting her attention on grooming her slightly ruffled pelt quickly. “I will wake Fernsong and Lilyheart,” Squirrelflight offered. She figured Ivypool could handle her apprentice herself. Weaving her way through sleeping bodies, Squirrelflight gently woke the other two warriors assigned to the patrol. They offered no argument. At least she could trust the warriors of her clan to respect her.
Once Ivypool and her patrol had gathered in the clearing, having a quick meal before they set off, the deputy approached Mousewhisker. He dipped his head as she approached. Squirrelflight nodded in return, coming to a stop next to him. She sat down, curling her bushy tail over her paws. She almost hoped that would help keep her paws from freezing off. “You should get some rest,” she began, glancing at the grey and white tom. “I can keep watch till more cats are up. Mind you, I’ll expect you up around sunhigh.” The she-cat kept her voice light, trying not to betray her own weariness, though it had not come from guarding the camp all night. “You’re sure?” Mousewhisker seemed hesitant to abandon his post, even though it was the deputy of the clan itself offering to take his place. Squirrelflight nodded. She had much to attend to, and going back to sleep would not accomplish that. The tom purred his thanks to her, standing and slinking away toward the den. The dawn patrol cats had just finished their meal once Mousewhisker disappeared into the den. As they passed by Squirrelflight, she offered a polite nod, then she was once again alone in the clearing.
The sun had risen just above the trees before Squirrelflight was able to get out of the camp. She’d guarded the camp entrance till the dawn patrol came back. Cats had begun to mill about the clearing, so she took to delegating the rest of the duties for the day, organizing a hunting patrol first. Poppyfrost, Bumblestripe, and Cherryfall had volunteered, though the deputy knew she’d have to send out another patrol after they returned, regardless of how much they caught. Twigpaw was busy tending to the elders’ ticks, leaving the rest of the apprentice duties undone. Warriors would have to pitch in if anything were to get done. Squirrelflight had taken it upon herself to lend a paw after she gave the task of leading the sunhigh border patrol to Whitewing, allowing her to take whichever cats she saw fit. The thorny barrier surrounding the camp entrance tugged at her fur as she padded out into the forest. As the bustle of the now busy camp faded behind her, Squirrelflight lifted her muzzle and took a deep breath. She intended to collect moss for bedding, but it wouldn’t hurt to catch any prey she came across as well. All that she could smell was the cool breeze and the scent of Thunderclan cats. It wouldn’t make sense for prey to be so close to the camp. Still the lack of even faint prey-scent made her uneasy. Leafbare was on the way, much quicker than she’d like. With a sigh, the ginger she-cat padded on through the forest, searching along rocks and tree trunks for patches of moss.
The further she traveled into the dense swathe of trees, the more she let her thoughts wander. She thought back to her worries from earlier. Bramblestar had been pulling away from her, she was sure of it. Squirrelflight didn’t even know if she wanted to try to stop him anymore. He didn’t care for her, not like he used to. Was it her fault? Had she done something to upset him? Just about everything she did seemed to upset him, but they had always made up in the past. Maybe their relationship had been doomed from the beginning. With a slight spark of anger, Squirrelflight remembered how he had chosen to pursue a friendship with Hawkfrost, his now dead half brother from Riverclan, when they first arrived at the lake, rather than listen to her suspicions about him. In the end, the ambitious Riverclan warrior had attempted to murder her father, Firestar. Bramblestar had been forced to kill his own brother to save the clan leader, at which point the spirit of the treacherous warrior had joined the Dark Forest. It seemed like a lifetime ago, but the memory was burned into her as though it had happened less than a moon ago.
She sniffed at a patch of moss she had stumbled across, wondering if she should’ve just given up on him then. A pang of grief resonated in her chest when she realized that if she had, her beloved kits would not exist. No matter what Bramblestar put her through, she’d never regret Alderheart and Sparkpelt. She never regretted raising her sister’s kits either, though it had only served to put more distance between her and Bramblestar. Squirrelflight ripped the moss from the tree trunk, her claws making small scores in the bark. It was slightly damp, but still springy and soft. Once it dried out it would make for perfect bedding in the elders den. This may very well be her calling now. To care for her clans as she did for her kits. To find pride and joy in her life as deputy, regardless of if Bramblestar cared about her in the least. Bundling up the moss and squeezing as much moisture as she could out of it, the deputy began to bring her findings back to the camp. She knew that once she got back to the busy camp, she’d forget her worries till night had fallen, and she could be alone with her thoughts. Starclan, should they be merciful, might send her easy sleep after sunset. She doubted it. Like normal, she’d probably lay awake in her nest, restlessness wearing away at her.