Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Uhhhhh Ollie?”

“Yeah Ran?”

“That… that Van looks diseased. Like legitimately ill. I know that vehicles can’t catch diseases, viruses or ailments but this camper-van looks like it’s gonna vomit on us.”

“Oh nonsense bro! She’s just a bit of a fixer-upper aren’t ya girl?” Oliver slapped the hood of the van only to hear something break. “Uhhh that was probably nothing”

Randy was pretty sure that he was standing 4 feet away from the embodiment of tetanus. And he was not gonna take the chance. For all he knew, he could already have it. And even if he didn’t, this was America after all. The hospital bill alone would be enough to put him right back in the dumpster.

Next to him, Norm was holding pretty much everything he owned in one big hiking backpack. It was cartoonish how much he fit in there. He had his own tent, pots, pans, plenty of hunting supplies and enough firewood to build a small dog kennel.

“Norm my dude, I already told you! You don’t need to bring that much. This van has everything we need.”

“If you think I’m gonna step one foot in that tin can, you have lost it. Besides I’m gonna do this the right way! It ain’t real camping if you don’t pitch up yer own tent and hunt for yer food”

“Ok grandpa” Norm grumbled like the aforementioned old man that he was accused of being.

“Come on Norman! I honestly don’t see the problem with this van” Gingi said unprompted, as is everything that they say. “I mean hell it’s even got a skylight and everything. This is fit for a king!”

“Gingi that’s a rust-hole.” Karen interjected

“Same thing Karamel. A hole is a hole.”

“One, please never ever say that again in your life. Two, no. It is not the same thing. I mean look at this hunk of junk.” She vaguely gestured to everything about the van “Do you seriously think that ‘skylight’ was intentional?”

The van itself was an absolute wreck. Two deflated tires. A patchwork of rust and dirt that the previous owner obviously hadn’t bothered to clear off. The outside of the van still had vines and other such shrubbery on it. Actually, I take it back. I doubt that anyone had previously owned this. Unless I missed something and cockroaches can now legally own property.

They say that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. And the inside of this vehicle definitely counted towards something… the tally of health code violations that this van has amassed.

First off it just plain stank. It smelled like dog piss mixed with mouldy cheese. It felt like it was physically assaulting your nose. And it was personal too. This van hated you and your nose and decided to go all out on it.

I would say that Gingi’s tent didn’t hold a candle to this, but I’m fairly certain that if you held any flammable object near this tin can. It would immediately combust.

Second, every single surface was slightly sticky. Even the things that you wouldn’t think could even be sticky. Every time you stood up, you could hear the *riiiiiiip* of your ass trying to escape the confines of the seat.

Third, there were the co-pilots. The co-pilots were the numerous rats, bugs, possums and assorted larvae that called this place home. It was an ecosystem of its own. Scientists say that we have only discovered 10-20% of wildlife on earth. And this van definitely held the other 80%.

Needless to say. No one wanted to ride in this van.

“Listen guys” Oliver pleaded. “I know it’s not much. But it’s got heart! Besides what’s the other option? Walk to the campsite? Gingi’s scrawny legs would break!”

“That’s true! I am incredibly frail!”

“It’s only for a couple hours on the way to The Spot. Then we can sleep on the dirt ground or whatever.”

Oliver was secretly glad that no one wanted to sleep in the van. As even he was sure that being near the van for an extended period of time would effect his long term health. And he wanted to get old enough to be an NPC that warns travellers about oncoming danger.
“Ye shall not venture much further adventurers! As nary a man, woman or child has returned from this place alive!” and all that jazz.

“Alright gang! Are we all good to go?” Oliver loaded the last bit of his luggage into the back of the van and shut the boot.

“Wait! Hold on! EVERYONE STOP EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE DOING” Gingi jumped up and down, screaming like a chimp on heroin.

“My ears Gingi. My EARS! Yer standing right next to me, you don’t need to screech!” Norm covered his weird-ass flesh ears.

“Oh I know :)”

“What is it Gingi?” Said Randy.

“I forgot to pack my stuff!” The stuff that Gingi was referring to is a handful of gravel that they promptly threw into the van with a satisfying *tink tink tink tink.*

Now that the van was somehow even more dirt filled. Oliver, Randy, Norm, Gingi and Karen resuscitated the van to life and set off for The Spot.

Chapter Text

The Spot wasn't a very wildly known camping site. A quiet little area on the outskirts on Dialtown, that doesn't get much attention. Only the occasional old couple and drunken highschool friend group tend to go there. Which is such a shame, really. It's so beautiful. It sits on the edge of an unnamed lake. The stillness of the water attracts frogs, mosquitoes and water bugs. At nighttime the forest gets foggy and you can hear the repetitive hum of chattering wildlife. It is absolutely magical watching moonlight cut through the dark sky and dance across the lake. 

But if you wanted to read about gorgeous scenery you'd have gone and read something professional. 

The Boys (+Karen) are approaching..... Dear God-

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Everyone in the van had just about had it.

Norm was slightly worried that the all the shaking and shitty suspension would dislodge something in Randy's head and cause him to blow himself (and everyone else) up. Karen's plan of drawing during the ride there, was immediately dashed by a very large rat scurrying along and eating her entire notepad. Gingi used the bathroom, forcing everyone to evacuate the van for 2 hours. Even Oliver had taken to laying on the floor, while staring at a spot of wet... something, waiting for it to eventually drip down onto him.

Everyone was so tired and so bored that they didn't notice that they had let Randy drive.
No one noticed when they passed the wooden gate. No one noticed Randy getting increasingly worried as he tried and failed to pull the brake. No one noticed Randy pull so hard on the brake that he ripped it off. But oh boy did they notice when Randy started wailing like a banchee. 

"GUYS I BROKE THE BRAKE!!!"

Randy pointed out the front window at the lake that was becoming less of a view and more of the last thing they view before they drown. Norm didn't need a second warning. 

"Everybody OUT NOW!" 

He kicked the van door off its hinges and watched as everyone leapt out. Norm grabbed his backback and a few other plot related things. Then threw them out the door as well. 

At this point, Randy had already accepted his fate and crawled into the fetal position.

"You too, stinky." Norm grabbed him like a particularly large and scruffy doll, chucked him over his shoulder and jumped out of the van as well. 

Everyone stood up and wiped the grass and mud off their clothes. The previously still surface of the lake was now bubbling as the van slowly sunk into it's depths. 

“Well, there she goes” Oliver sighed. “Maybe it’s for the best. I just wish it didn’t happen so soon” he wiped an imaginary tear from his eyes. Then he pulled out a kazoo from in his back pocket and started playing ‘My Heart Will Go On’. Staring mournfully at the sinking van.

”Oliver it’s not for the best! All our stuff was in that van!” Karen said, being the only one to get the gravity of this situation, as always. “How are we supposed to- wait, do you just have a kazoo on you at all times? Why?” 

*sniff* “Comedic effect” 

"Yeah that tracks." Karen folded her arms "Listen, it's gonna get dark pretty quickly, and I don't know about you, but I don't wanna sleep in the dirt and risk getting shat on by a bear. Does anyone have any ideas?"

Everyone slowly turned to Norm, who was picking up his assorted camping things. 

"Absolutely NOT! I only packed one tent and there is no way we are all gonna fit"

Gingi smiled

"oh oh oh! i've seen this trope before! hehehehehehehehehehehehhe" Gingi rubbed their hands in (no doubt heinous) thought. 

"Yeah I'm gonna stop you right there my dude. I know what you are thinking and unfortunately, this tent is barely big enough to fit two of us. Let alone has enough room to engage in sexy times. Not this time" Oliver patted Gingi on the back. "Let's just get this thing set up then"

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To the surpise of absolutely no one, Norm's over preperation lead to the gang actually having enough supplies to last through the next few days. While yes, the whole tent thing was an issue, they had plenty of trail mix, firewood and forageing books. They thankfully got the tent set up before sunset, no thanks to Gingi, who rubbed dirt on their face, insisted that they were now "Feralé" and then passed out for literally no reason. 

"Wait.. is that my foot?"

"No Oliver that foot is not yours, it's green"

"Oh rad, just making sure"

"Can you guys please be quiet? I can't see"

"I'm pretty sure that the lack of light in this tent is causing you not to see, Randy, not the noise-"

"ZZZZZZ-Zz-sjfdsakfjdsk-ZZZZ-*snort*"

"Oh great, this is just fantastic, Norm snores. GOD FUCKIN DAMNIT-"

"SHH!"

"SHH!"

"Alright fine. Goodnight everyone"

"Night!"

"G'night!"

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Chapter Text

Randy was an idiot for leaving the tent. I mean what was he thinking? Going to sleep in the dirt and bugs just because he felt a little uncomfortable? Great job loser. As he walked farther away from the tent, Norm's loud snores were replaced with a deafening silence. The tall trees stood menacingly over him. The quiet was replaced with the loud whispers of his own thoughts. He was going to die here. Twigs snapped behind him and cicadas serenaded his panic. Randy started to run. This was all his fault. The pounding of his feet on the leaves matched the pounding in his own heart. He could hear something approach him. It was running faster. All Randy could do was run. But he was never the endurant type. He was going to run out of energy fast. 

Randy felt something touch his shoulder. 

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"Hey bro! Going for a midnight jog?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa?" Randy turned around cautiously "Oliver? You scared the SHIT out of me. God man... I thought I was gonna die!"

"When is that different from normal?" Oliver sat down in front of a fairly large tree, brushed some leaves off the ground next to him and gestured for Randy to sit.

"Har har har very funny Ollie. What are you doing out here?" Randy sat down and tried to stop shaking.

"You woke me up when you left the tent. You never go for late night walks and I figured that well... something must be up so I followed you. Sorry I scared you, man. Are you doing alright? What's on your mind?"

Oliver moved near Randy and put his arms around him. He felt Randy's breathing slow as he got calmer. 

"I just- I feel bad for wrecking the van, and I wasn't prepared enough and... I thought that I had gotten better at this whole being a person thing, you know? I got a job, I got a place that isn't a literal dumpster. So why do I still feel anxious? My life has gotten better, so why haven't I?"

Oliver sighed and rubbed his boyfriend's arm with his thumb.

"The whole 'being a person' thing is all about making mistakes. And one mistake that you make doesn't define your whole personhood. It's okay to be anxious, personally I find it adorable. It's okay to take a couple steps forward and then stop. I mean hell, the fact that you drove the van at all is incredibly brave! Before you wouldn't have even gone near it. You are getting better, you just don't always see it. It was probably my fault for buying such a shitty car. You don't have to feel bad about this one, Randy."

"Yeah I guess you're right, sorry." Randy looked down at Oliver's shoes. Red converse with white laces, brown and muddied from the campsite.

"Don't apologise, man! That negates the whole purpose of my Oscar-worthy pep talk!" Oliver teased.

Randy chuckled "Right right, sorry"

"STOP APOLOGISING FOR APOLOGISING!" 

"Okay okay!" Randy smiled. "Thanks so much Ollie, it really means alot to me. You, mean alot to me"

"Anytime Ran, For what it's worth, i'm so glad you're here." Oliver kissed Randy's forehead (or the phone equivalent of it). He took his flannel off, and used it as a blanket.

As the two started to drift off into sleep, they didn't think about the creatures in the forest. The silence was comforting and the buzz of the cicadas were no longer a death hum, but a symphony. It was easy to fall asleep in such a beautiful area. And with such beautiful company.

Chapter Text

Gingi woke up and walked outside. 

"no I didn't"

Umm excuse me? I said Gingi woke up and walked outside. I'm the storyteller here fucko. 

"I heard you the first time. But I absolutely refuse to awaken."

Buddy don't make me come over there. I can and will wallop you into the next reality. You are a part of this plot wether you like it or not. Now get out there and do something relevant to the story.

"but i don't want to"

AND I DON'T WANT TO BE SAT HERE AT 9:40PM NARRATING THE LIFE OF A GREEN SKINNED PILLOCK SUCH AS YOURSELF BUT HERE I AM! For the love of GOD Gingi-

"God wouldn't treat me like this. You are being mean."

Well God isn't here, is he? Maybe if you weren't being such a pain in the ass, then I wouldn't have to be mean. Now are you going to actually participate or are you going to keep laying there doing fuck-all?

"I think you already know what i've picked, narrator. Until I feel a violent need to go piss or some other bodily fluid related action, then I am going to stay right here."

Well I guess we are at a stalemate.

"I guess we are."

...

...

...

"OH GOD OH FUCK IM SO STARVING IM GONNA DIE. HELP ME I HAVE NEVER HAD A FOOD IN MY LIFE. I AM BUT A POOR WEE LAD. IM JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME-"

Ok ok calm down (wow they lasted a full 2 minutes this time. I'm proud of them). I'm sure if you looked around you'd find something to eat. Norm has enough trail mix to last a few days, you'll be fine-

"I ated it"

You fucking W H AT ?! When??

"Just then, while you were monologuing. I ate it all"

I said a single SENTENCE Gingi! That was not a monolgue! And do you even understand what you have done? Of course you don't. You have a brain as smooth as a dolphin's penis and you have zero self awareness. You severely blew it. 

"Come on it's not that bad."

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"YOU ATE ALL'A OUR FOOD???" Despite Gingi's false claim that it wasn't that bad. It very much was. And Norm was furious. 

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD-" Norm paced back and forth, fuming.

"Please don't blame me Normo. I had the Hunger." 

By this time, Norm's yelling had pretty much woken everyone up. Randy and Oliver had made their way out of the forest, complaining about their sore asses (They slept on the hard dirt, what did you expect?)(get your minds out of the gutter). Karen, having had a lovely dream interupted. Needless to say, they were all pretty upset with Gingi.

"Jesus, Norm. What are we gonna do? We are gonna starve."

"Well, Karen... I know of one way we can get food" Norm knelt over his backpack and slowly pulled out his shotgun. "Gingi. I know you didn't want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice..."

"Wait Norm- we can't just eat Gingi! Sure they are a little shit, but they have some useful skills that we could use. Like smelling so bad they ward off predators. Besides they could very well be poisonous. We should eat Randy instead." Karen explained, a little too eager.

"Wha- NO! I wasn't gonna suggest eatin' Gingi! I'm gonna go hunting. Why would you even think that?"

"I uhhh. I've always liked those hypotheticals, you know? 'If we all were stranded on an island, who would we eat first.' That kinda thing."

"Race-Kar that is severely messed up dude. And I know messed up." Oliver whispered "We would definitely eat Randy"

"Ok enough talk o' eatin' folks. I'm gonna go get us some food. Do any of y'all wanna come along?" Norm unpacked some more of his hunting gear. 

"No thanks, The noise would be too much for me" Karen stepped back

"Fair 'nough, What about you Fezzy? Wanna come hunting with me, son?" 

Oliver, almost buckling over from that drop of fatherly affection. Had to remember that he hates killing animals. But it took a herculean amount of effort not to accept. 

"Nah bro, I don't think I could do it" Oliver choked out. 

"Alrighty then, I'd best be off. This forest should have some deer, possums and other animals we can eat" 

No one but Gingi was stoked at the idea of eating a squirrel. But what other choice did they have? Norm disappeared into the woods, taking the only braincell in the group with them. All they could do now was wait. 

They were not good at waiting

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