Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

For 800 years, Norrisville has been protected by The Ninja. Every four years, a new warrior is chosen to wield the mask and protect the good people of the city. I, Randy Cunningham, was chosen my freshman year of high school and it’s the single most BRUCE thing to ever happen to me!

I faced a lot that year: Evil Julian, the Sorcerer, McFist trying to kill me for personal gain while serving the Sorcerer, and that one time Howard and I got sent back the 1200s and MET THE FIRST NINJA!

This year, I’m facing my next big challenge – well, that’s not to say I’m not still dealing with McFist. I defeated the Sorcerer, so everything connected to that disappeared. It’s nice to finally wash my hands of that piece of ninja business. I can barely wash the Ninja suit itself. Turns out you can’t pop the mask into the washer and expect the entire suit to be clean.

That’s right – the Ninja has to shower in his full suit. If I don’t want to smell like a fart or whatever cheese I’ve fallen into that week, I’ve gotta wash that thing somehow. Not like the NinjaNomicon (which is basically the Ninja handbook) gave me any tips about it…

Uh, okay – my biggest challenge this year is figuring myself out. I’ve become so defined by being the Ninja, I’ve kinda lost sight of myself. What do I want in life? What can I think about besides people getting stanked and whatever McFist is planning next?

Now, I know what you’re thinking: is the Ninja having an identity crisis? The Ninja, who’s so well defined as a noble, brave hero, pure of heart, doesn’t know what juice he’s all about?

Yes.

I’ve come to realization that since no one – besides Howard – knows the Ninja isn’t an 800-year-old entity, I’m nobody. I’m a great hero and a protector but who am I? Who is Randy Cunningham? How can I be Randy Cunningham if my personality, even as the Ninja, is just tossed into a homogenous stew and stirred until gone?

As of right now, Howard and I are partaking in a Grave Puncher marathon, starting from the original game up to the current iteration: CyberGrave Punch-Punch Revolution in 3D: The Remastered Masterpiece, now with multiplayer. These thoughts are still flooding my mind and I know I’m totally sucking at punching graves but I can’t shake out of it.

“Cunningham, I don’t remember you being such a shoob at Grave Puncher 5. You good?”

“Uh-huh.”

Howard furrows his brow and elbows me hard in the ribs. “Ow! What the juice, Howard?”

His orange pompadour shifts as he turns towards me. “You’re spacing out hard. Where are you?” he asks again.

“Oh, you know, just…” I trail off and muster some sort of something, “…thinking maybe we could skip Grave Puncher 6. They really pushed for that game and h’oh boy, did the writing ever suffer. I just can’t stand to drag myself through all that horrible dialogue.” I flash a reassuring smile.

Howard puts his controller down and crosses his arms. “You’re not telling me whatever’s bothering you because…?”

I can’t hold this fake smile or tell another lie. (Although that’s not to say Grave Puncher 6 didn’t suck because it did.) “Listen, I’m going through something really personal and I don’t know what I’m doing or how I feel about…anything,” I say as honestly and sorrowfully as I can. I hope this gets him off my case, buuuuut –

“We’re literally best friends. You can tell me anything.”

“I can’t –”

“You can! We’ve been through this before! You can and have to tell me everything. What’s the point of being best friends if we’re not open to each other about everything?” he presses on.

I take a breath and a slow blink.

“Howard,” I say calmly and firmly, “this is something I need to figure out a bit myself before I talk to anyone about it. It’s nothing personal against you. It’s just a lot of inner turmoil. I’ve spent so much time destanking and defending, I haven’t had too much room to breathe in my own skin. I just need a little space, emotionally speaking.”

The brown eyes before me squint. “I’ll figure this out.” He picks up the game controller again and goes back to the title screen. Still squinting, Howard warns, “This better not be about you thinking about my sister again. I’ll end you.”

“What? No! I’m past that! I’ve been past that! For ages!”

“Good.”

Howard’s spooky but totally justified threat over, we skip straight to CyberGrave. I honkin’ love CyberGrave! The first iteration had graphics that couldn’t meet the phenomenal writing if it tried! Now, the graphics are so brucely epic and there are so many new things! Nameable, customizable characters and choice of love interest. You’d think adding a love interest to Grave Puncher would ruin the grave punching but it’s so nice to have other side quests and story paths. So bruce!

I take the TV and GameStation to play my character, and Howard sets up the McFist Pad to play his. We’ll set up a private game and we’re golden!

“Randy,” Howard pipes up as he connects his controller to his side of the game.

I’m in the middle of drinking my soda. “Yeah, buddy?”

“This thing you’re mulling over…”

I hum through my soda, now chugging it in an effort to avoid this again.

“…is it about you being bi?”

My throat clenches and I cough out the soda in my mouth. There’s soda down my clothes, puddled in my beanbag chair, and some sneaking its way towards my GameStation.

“Dude!” Howard pulls my hoodie off of me and throws it in front of the game system, inches away from its soda-y grave.

“How – when – why?” I spit out with the rest of the liquid in my mouth. The “why” was meant for “Why’d you do that with my hoodie?” but it still fits the bill for the actual issue here.

“Gah! You almost ruined our marathon! You almost destroyed a $500 piece of hardware!” he exclaims. He makes sure my hoodie’s soaked up what’s on the floor and throws it in my lap. Real helpful.

“Howard! How did you know about – you know!” I insist. All the blood in my body is rushing to my face. I might die. The first Ninja to die at all but specifically to whatever emotion is overtaking my brain.

“I’ve looked through your email before.”

“That tells me nothing!”

“Ugh. I’ve seen the email from the ‘Am I gay quiz?’ you took freshman year. I’ve known longer than that, though. The email results just put a label on it.”

I go to speak but nothing comes out. Eventually, I revert to shoving my face in my hands.

“Dude, you’re fine. What makes you think I care about you liking dudes? Some dudes have it going on.” I hear Howard run a hand through his hair. “Like me for example. I wouldn’t blame you if you had a crush on me at some point. I’m one fine hunk of a man.”

I don’t move. I don’t think he realizes how mortifying this is.

“I don’t care that you’re bi,” Howard says in a warm tone, “I love you for you. You’re my best friend. This is just part of you and that’s the cheese.”

I can’t move.

A hand pushes on my shoulder and my own hands fall into my soda-soaked hoodie. I can’t bring myself to look up. “Whoa, are you crying?”

“I, um, I haven’t been able to say it out loud to myself,” I struggle to say, “and here you are, saying it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. I wasn’t ready.”

“Oh.”

We’re both quiet, the energetic title screen music playing for CyberGrave before us.

“Do you want me to leave? I didn’t realize saying that would cross a line.”

“N-no. Just give me a minute.”

I see Howard nod out of my peripheral vision and I stay put. There’s so much think and probably so much to say but I need the silence. I need a moment.

When I’m able to pick my head up, I force myself to take a deep breath. I’m itching to know what tipped my best friend off before about me, but my biggest concern falls right out. “What if I’m the only queer Ninja in Ninja history and everyone finds out? The Norrisville Ninja can’t be queer. He’s like, the everyman. A hero, always, but ultimately…just some guy in black and red pajamas with a sword and a book. If anyone ever finds out, the Ninja is gonna get hate crimed…and so will I.”

“Aw, I think you’re overthinking this.”

I sniffle. “Of course I am. How could I not? I’m the second most influential figure in the city. I can’t imagine how people would react if they knew.”

“I’m sure there have been other queer Ninjas. In 800 years, it’d be pretty impossible for every Ninja to be straight – or cis, for that matter.”

“Yeah, but if I’m found out, that ruins it for every future Ninja.”

“I’d like you to realize that not every Ninja is white. You showed me the Ninja Hall in the Nomicon. If people honestly think the Ninja has just even been one dude, there are generations of moron shoobs all around us.”

“McFist can’t figure out who I am despite that my voice and the Ninja’s voice are the same. Nobody realized you in the suit wasn’t me that one time. No one ever finds it weird that I disappear and the Ninja appears.

“Granted, there’s probably something in the water in this town, but everyone around us are moron shoobs.” I wipe one of my cheeks with my hand. “There’s probably also some kinda Ninja Magic involved. I don’t know.”

“If no one can figure out who you are, no one’s gonna figure out who you are,” Howard says, somehow falling between sounding matter-of-factly and reassuring.

“I mean, I guess.” Another tear escapes my eye. “How’d you figure it out?”

“Email.”

“No, before that.”

Lacing his fingers together, Howard cracks all of his knuckles. “Well, in fifth grade, you had a crush on Avery Volner.”

“Yeah?”

“Avery Volner was a guy.”

“I didn’t know that. How would that –”

“I told you at least twice, dude. You didn’t care.”

“Oh.” My mind scrambles for who Avery Volner was but I can’t even remember what he would’ve looked like. Why would I have a crush on a guy who’s just blended into the background of the world? That’s lame.

Howard reclines in his seat and crosses his ankles. “Not to mention, the Brock Octane shrine you hid in your closet in sixth grade wasn’t exactly a straight thing to do.”

The barrage of emotions inside me has calmed somewhat. Tears dried and face cooled, I jump to my defense. “That wasn’t a crush thing. I wanted to be like him, not,” realization overcomes me, “oh, cheese. I did have a crush on Brock Octane.”

A finger enters my vision. Howard corrects me, “Do. You do have a crush on him. You’ve seen all his movies. You even saw his movie that scored negative three on Moldy Cheese.”

“Aw, come on. That was so bad, it was good!”

“It was playing in select theaters. You rode three buses to see it.”

He’s got me there.

“Also, you think I didn’t notice your CyberGrave character has a boyfriend? There’s no achievement for that. You can’t even claim it was an accident; you went for the buff bear, not the twink.”

“Hold up. Why do you know so many LGBT terms?” I’ve got a really stupid smile on my face and I welcome it, full force.

“I wanted to be ready when you were ready to be more open. I didn’t know if you were ever gonna come out or if you were just gonna vibe. Gotta be on top of things for my best friend. We bicker a lot but I’ve gotchu.”

Tears weld up in my eyes again. “I love you, man.”

“Love you, too, Cunningham. Now, we’ve got some graves to punch!”

Chapter Text

I leap from building to building and plant myself atop an apartment water tower thing. “C’mon, c’mon. Where’d ya go?” I mutter. The Ninja scarf flaps loudly behind me. It’s quiet. Too quiet.

A massive green and blue chameleon McFist bot was here a second ago. It destroyed two city blocks, so it has to be around here somewhere. I stand and breathe in, centering myself. I whisper, “Ninja Super Senses, go,” and close my eyes. I focus on the sounds around me, hoping to catch this bus-sized bot lurking around. I pick up on a few things: the wind, birds’ wings, a baby crying four miles away…

Freezing goo falls from above, nearly knocking me off the water tower. “Aw, schnasty! What is this?” The chameleon bot hovers silently amongst the clouds, encased by a blue glow.

The goo, now going from blue to purple, is getting warm. Like, warm-warm. “Oh, cheese, what’s happening?” I gasp. “I don’t have to put on Cold-Caliente when I get home. Sweet!”

My vision goes black. I’m still conscious but the world is gone. The Ninja scarf is still flapping in the wind, so I have no idea what happened. I wave my hand in front of my face. I reach up and touch my face, accidentally poking myself in the eye. “Huh. Don’t like this.”

Howard’s ringtone startles me and I successfully fall off the water tower. Luckily, I land on the nice soft concrete rooftop instead of the nice soft asphalt road. I’m still gonna have to use Cold-Caliente. That honkin’ hurt.

“Yeah?” I groan into the phone.

“Where’d you go, man? You were just Spider-Guying it up and poof!”

“I don’t know. I’m not anywhere new. I’m still up here. I’ve gone blind but been there done that, kinda.” I sit up and try to figure out if I’ve got a concussion.

“Oop, I see your phone. You’re still MIA.”

My eyes widen. “Oooh! I’m invisible! They say if you’re invisible, light can’t enter your eyes and you can’t see cheese!”

“That’s wonked! Being invisible is supposed to be cool!”

“You’re telling me!” The ground shakes beneath me. “Gotta go.”

I stand and face the mechanical noises behind me. I open my mouth to quip, but I realize if I can’t see me, this thing can’t see me…probably.

Ever so carefully, I reach for some Ninja Balls. There’s no telling what kind they are – electro, cold, or whatever else – but I’ll take whatever I get. I can’t exactly risk being picky right now.

“Gah! Ninja snatched!” The robot has me in its grasp. It must have heat sensors. It also has a very good grip. One of my ribs crack suddenly and loudly. “So not bruce.” Three more follow it. “Fucker.”

Using my super senses would benefit this blind situation but pain is the only thing I can feel right now. The super senses would also make this ten times worse…somehow. “Ninja Tengu Fire Blast,” I muster. Heat replaces the pain and explodes out of me. I hit the ground hard and curl into myself. I’m gonna feel this for the rest of my life.

After blinking a few times, I can see again. The Tengu Fire must’ve burned off the Invisi-Goo.

Smoke and blue steam pour off the busted robot bits. Good. Great. I’m so done with this today. I feel like death. Nothing compares to broken ribs. I’m just gonna lay here until I’m ready to heal myself.

Howard’s ringtone sounds off again. My phone lays out in front of me, the screen cracked like a spider’s web. I weakly reach out and slap the answer icon. “What, Howard?”

“You dead?”

“Unfortunately, no.”

“Cool. Wanna go to Greg’s Game Hole in like ten minutes?”

“No, I’m going home.”

“What? You’re no fun!”

“Tell that to my busted ribs, shoob.”

Chapter Text

“NO! NO! NO!” McFist shouts, banging on his desk. “We spent thousands developing Invisi-Goo for what? What useless, stupid –” He slaps the computer monitor to the floor and growls.

Viceroy sits on the opposite side of the desk, ankle over his knee and his nose in his phone. “Told you we needed to fireproof it, but no, gotta save money somewhere,” he snarks.

“You want me to say it?”

“I’d like you to stop yelling.”

McFist roars, picking up his office chair and heaving it across the room, barely missing one of his Robo-Ape lackeys. His voice lowers from loud fury to a dismissive rumble. “Fine, you were right.”

“Mmmhmm.”

The gazillionaire turns to his scientist cohort, blond mustache ruffled completely out of sorts. “You don’t even care. What’s so important over there?” He storms towards Viceroy and unsuccessfully tries to snatch the phone from his hands. It’s such an overreach, he falls to the floor. The McFlexiglass of his robotic right arm clanks loudly against the metal floor.

“I’m trying to find a good, gluten free brownie recipe. The last one tasted like dirt,” Viceroy answers, wildly unbothered by his boss.

“Develop an allergy or something?” McFist asks tentatively. He doesn’t bother trying to get up. “I genuinely need to know so I don’t accidentally poison you.”

“No, my oldest has a bake sale and there are at least eight brats with gluten allergies. I am not going to get banned from school functions over gluten.”

McFist’s eyes widen. The surprise in his voice is clear when he not-so-tactfully says, “You have a kid? Kids? Since when do you have kids?”

“My personal life isn’t your business, sir.”

“No, but we offer McFist Scholarships for employees, you know.”

Viceroy hums a note of indifference. “Sure, sir. I’ll talk to my husband and we’ll see where that goes,” he replies dryly.

“HUSBAND?”

The scientist puffs out an annoyed breath and hops off the desk, over his boss. “Please, I am the gayest man you know. Like you didn’t know I was gay.”

“No, no, no – when did you get married? Was there a wedding? Why wasn’t I invited?”

“The last person we wanted at the wedding was you, sir. Destruction follows you like a lost puppy.” Viceroy, still scrolling through recipes, heads for the door. “Oh, and we better not shelve the Invisi-Goo after this one blunder. We can sell it as disappearing ink.”

“Ouch but good idea!”

Chapter Text

Even after healing myself, the pain radiates throughout the rest of my bones. I couldn’t even climb the ladder up to my loft bed. I’m laying across my bean bag chairs instead. Not great but not as bad as it could be.

I need to sleep for a day and I’ll be right as rain. I also need another coating of Cold-Caliente but it’s too far away. All the way over on my dresser. Cheese, it sounds like I’m 93. No 15-year-old should go through as much Cold-Caliente as I do. I’d get more heavy duty stuff but as per usch’ I have exactly zero dollars to my name. Being the Ninja doesn’t pay…and I don’t get good enough grades for an allowance.

I do have a smartphone, GameStation, video games, and a laptop, so I don’t have much to complain about, really.

I dig my phone out of my pocket and prop it up on an empty tissue box that’s been living on the floor here for the last month. Still waiting on Howard to throw it away like he said he would. The shoob.

I open the browser on my phone. It’s still open on the LGBT wiki I was having part of my crisis over. I’ve gone through so many different sexuality labels and I’m still pretty set on being bisexual. I’ve even been through the gender identity section but nothing in there speaks to me. So, I’m cis but I’m definitely not straight.

This is still so scary. I want to embrace this side of myself but I don’t know how. I don’t know how my parents would feel about it, either. I know we don’t talk to Aunt Melinda anymore but I don’t know if it’s because she’s gay or if it’s because she stabbed a guy once. Legend has it, the guy had it coming to him. Legend also has it that Aunt Melinda has some unchecked anger issues and is a force to be reckoned with.

We also don’t talk to Uncle Andrew anymore. He’s transgender but I think the fact that he was in the mafia is the problem. Probably knocked off a few people and sent ‘em sleepin’ with the fishes, see?

I’m getting off track.

So, my parents might probably be fine with it. They’ve never spoken poorly about LGBT stuff before. They’ve only spoken poorly about my aunt and uncle regarding their crimes. Neither of their respective identities have been ragged on – not in front of me, at least.

And then there’s Norrisville. I see the occasional pride flag out and about, but it’s never in abundance, even during Pride month. I came across a Norrisville Pride Parade once, but it was in a far corner of the town on a pretty isolated route. That might’ve even been a gayborhood for all I know. Wouldn’t that be nice…

I open a new tab and type in “local pride events.” There’s gotta be something around here. I’ll pop on some shades and a hat. No one will know Randy Cunningham was there. Granted, no one seems to know Randy Cunningham goes to high school but we won’t talk about that.

It seems like there’s nothing until next summer. Cool, great, love it. Not like there’s a teenager looking to explore his identity around here. Nope, nope, nope.

I grumble and bury my face into the fabric of the bean bag chair. These aren’t exactly high quality. I hope the one I spat soda onto doesn’t get moldy. Is that a thing? Can the beans go green in the worst way possible?

Curiosity makes me return to my phone. I can’t risk going to a school LGBT thing. I think Norrisville High has one of those Gay Straight Alliances, and Principal Slimovitz runs it. No one ever pesters him at school, so it might be mostly safe for me there. Again, though, I’m not risking it. Instead, I’ll find a school function for a different school. Easy peasy.

Here’s one for tomorrow. I wonder if I can get Howard to go with me.

“Thanks for coming with me, buddy. I really couldn’t do this without you,” I say as I eye the moving scenery from inside the bus.

“That’s what I’m here for, Cunningham. That and free food.” I peep over at Howard. He’s scrolling through some social media app. He’s looking at an upcoming Brock Octane movie account, specifically. “Which you better not have lied about, but because I just remembered you’re a terrible liar, never mind.”

“Maybe there’ll be some babes there,” I tease, nudging his arm.

“For you or me?”

I shrug. “If we’re lucky, both.”

Howard laughs. “I like the way you think! I knew I kept you around for a reason.”

The city bus pulls to a stop in front of the school. The first thing I see is tall, thin black man in purple. I gasp, pull my hood over my head, and shrink down in my seat. “What the juice is Viceroy doing here?” I sputter.

Howard gasps but at something else entirely. “Cunningham, this is a bake sale. S-A-L-E. That spells ‘you need money.’ I only have ten bucks! That’s not enough to get a good spread!” He pulls himself out of his own butt and notices me. “Don’t get cold feet now. We didn’t take a 72-minute bus ride for nothing. We’ll pull our cash together, get some sweets, and stick around for whatever speaker they have.”

He gets up and grabs me by the arm. “C’mon, don’t be a wuss.”

I try to explain why I’m freaking out but Howard shushes me. I appreciate the tough love but I am trying to get a point across here.

We wander around a bit and I steer clear of the table Viceroy is planted behind. I notice the purple he’s decked out in is a t-shirt with asexual pride colors. He’s with a slightly shorter man in a rainbow cape. Between them is child with beads in her hair and a striped shirt of her own – each color on her in the trans pride colors.

“Whoa, Viceroy has a kid? And a husband?” I ask myself. In my hands is a rainbow rimmed plate with an equally colorful cake slice in the middle.

“Well duh,” Howard says nearby. I didn’t realize he was right next to me. “Don’t you follow him on BuddyBook?”

“What? No! Why would I follow my enemies online?”

“To keep track of their evil schemes? To be nosey? So many reasons, honestly.” Howard steals a sizable chunk of my cake. “Man, this cake is awful.”

I pull my plate away. “Stop eating it then, or get your own.”

“It’s for charity. I’m legally obligated to eat this.” He stabs towards my piece again.

“Dude, quit it!” I laugh. When he persists, I finally let him have it via shoving my plate in his face. We both burst out laughing. I’ve been too uptight about coming here and being here. We gotta have some fun. Relish in these pastries of assorted quality!

And to be fair, that cake was kinda awful. Waaaay too much food dye. Beautiful and vibrant but just a smidge unbearable.

We wander around some more, eat more, do some small talk here and there, and find our seats for the speaker…or speakers? I’m not really sure.

A drag queen emerges from blue curtains and people clap all around us. I can’t help the sparkle in my eyes. “Gentlefolk, welcome to the annual Rummingston High Rainbow Bake Sale! It’s so nice to see so many familiar faces and so many new ones. As always, I’m your host, Principal Princess A. Pality.”

“No way. This is the principal!” I whisper excitedly.

She’s wearing a long, sequenced gown that trails behind her. It’s strapless with a thick belt and a quite risqué slit in the skirt. Not inappropriate-risqué but overall pretty bruce. The top sequence are pink until the belt – which is purple – then they’re blue all the way to the floor.

I can’t help myself when I whisper, “Those are my colors!”

“That’s my kinda woman!” Howard whispers back. “Way too old for me but if the future Mrs. Weinerman looks like that, I’ll be the luckiest guy this side of the hemisphere.”

I snort. “Howard, that’s a drag queen.”

“So?”

“That’s a dude. She’s got a beard for cheese sake.” I laugh a bit more. “Pat attention, man.”

His eyes dart from me to the stage and back to me. “Maybe I like a hairy lady!”

“Hey, you don’t knock me; I won’t knock you. That’s very bruce of you.”

People start clapping around us and we blindly join in. We’ve completely missed whatever the principal had to say. The beginning of a song is playing from nearby speakers and people are getting hyped. The curtains separate to reveal another drag queen. Her back is to us and I can’t deny how bruce her dress is. It kinda reminds me of the Ninja suit.

The dress is long and poofed out, made of some kind of shiny black material. There’s a semi-transparent red ribbon tied diagonally from her waist to her shoulder. It comes to a big, fanned out bow next her head, and it has some extra strips dangling from the front.

The drag queen spins on a pair of very precarious looking heels. My eyes travel up, admiring the red flower embroidery along the edge of the skirt as it stretches upwards. It’s so fancy! Kinda reminds of the details in the Ninja Nomi – OH, WHAT THE JUICE?

My face pales.

“Now, welcome the musical stylings of Dr. Norrisa Ninjvana!” the principal booms.

I sink in the metal folding chair. Viceroy’s drag persona is the honkin’ Ninja! This can’t be happening!

“You wanna leave? I wanna leave,” Howard whispers through his teeth. “This has gotten surprisingly uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, we gotta cheese it outta here. I don’t even know how to feel about this.” I struggle to tear my eyes away. “He’s even got a Ninja mask!”

Howard and I manage to escape seeing whatever was about to happen. This is what we get for trying to give me some validation about my identity! We get my nemesis’ lackey using my identity for drag! I don’t know if I should be horrified or honored, but I’m mostly horrified. No, I’m all the way horrified. I know the Ninja is a centuries old, uh, idea of a person but I AM A CHILD.

I will simply never recover from this. I’m half-tempted to ask the Nomicon to mind-wipe me. Not a full wipe – just enough. Just a smidge!

We’re clear across the parking lot now. We’ve made some pit stops to drown our indescribable trauma in chocolate and gingersnaps. While I’m running the Whoopee World theme song through my brain for the 30^th time, I’m chowing down on something called an apple platz. Don’t know what it is but I’m in heaven.

“Cunningham, I’m officially out of cash. You ready to head home?” I turn to see Howard holding a generic “thank you” grocery bag. I see some colors peeking through the white plastic but I distract myself instantly. My hand is in my pocket and I pull out two dollars – the last of my pocket money.

“Almost. You gotta try whatever this is first. It’s amazing.”

Chapter Text

Howard and I separate for the night and I collapse in my room. Everything was great until I saw you-know-who in drag as you-also-know-who. Laying on my floor – yeah, I meant “collapse” literally – I notice I’m holding a grocery bag. When did I pick this up? Or did Howard hand this to me while I wasn’t paying attention?

I get up and scale the ladder to my bed, bag in hand. I pop off my pants and my hoodie, preparing for a little Ninja nap. But first: “Alright you big weirdo, what did you leave me with?”

I open the bag to a nearly folded…bi flag. I call Howard immediately. “You didn’t!”

“Oh, but I did! It’s all yours, bud!”

“Thank you, Howard. You really didn’t have to do this.”

“Yeah, well, before you get too mushy on me, know that you really didn’t have to call me while I was taking a dump.”

I drop my phone and hang up as quickly as I called him. That guy will detail the entire dump to me if I keep him on the line. I made that mistake once.

Never again.

Never. Again.

I blink and redirect my attention to the flag in my hands. I’m so glad Howard’s still by my side. He’s brucer than anyone I know.

I take the flag out and unfold it, flapping over the edge of my loft to really get it open. It’s full of crease lines but it’s nice. This flag is mine. This flag, this label helps define me.

I am Randy Cunningham and I am bisexual.

Chapter Text

I’m feeling confident, I’m feeling cocky. I’m feeling surprisingly chipper for a Monday morning. After tying my flag to the side railing of my bed, I stride into the kitchen for breakfast.

“Mother, Father, goodest of mornings to you.” I hang my satchel on the back of the stool set at the peninsula and plop into my seat. “What is on the menu this fine, schnasty day of days?”

Mom, sitting on the stool next to me, shoots me a look. Dad shoots me his own look before exchanging another with Mom. He pokes at what’s in the frying pan and clears his throat. “Eggs and bacon.”

“Ha, classic breakfast! Love it. Love you two! You’re both beautiful!” I pull out my phone and skim through my emails. I think I’ve got a coupon code for the candle store in here somewhere. I say I have no money but I get enough birthday & holiday money to stash away for long while. It always helps to have a coupon!

“Randy,” Mom says slowly, “is everything okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

Dad finishes up cooking, plates our food, and brings us each a serving. “You’re not a morning person, son. You’re especially not a Monday morning person.”

I dig into breakfast as soon as I can. First, I deliver the ever so reassuring line, “Today’s just an extra good day! I feel great! I feel…like me.”

My parents exchange another look but I’m too wrapped up in bacon to notice the genuine concern in their eyes. Mom leads with, “Is there something you need to tell us?”

“No, don’t think so.” I swallow the last bit of my bacon and hold up a finger. “You know what, I do have something to tell you. You’re gonna love this!” I wipe my mouth with one of our fancy cloth napkins before continuing.

“So, your precious baby boy – your only son and your everything – has discovered and come to terms with a new detail about himself! Mom, Dad, I’m bisexual.” I shovel a forkful of eggs into my mouth, sure that I got some ketchup in there, too. I start chewing and then I realize how honkin’ stupid I am. My confidence was at an all-time high and now it’s being dragged down, along with this idiotic smile, by fear and regret. I swallow quickly and hard. “Unless you’re not cool with that! Of course! If that’s not okay with you, then I’m straight. No big deal! You could say this new detail is a phase…if that’s how you feel,” I trail off. I am so stupid.

To my surprise, Mom laughs. “I’m glad you were able to figure something out like that, sweetie! I figured it was a matter of time. I thought you’d come out sooner but that doesn’t matter. Your father and I love you all the same.”

Dad hums a tone I can’t put a finger on. It seems either judgmental or indifferent. If I’m being honest, that could be the same thing. What does “indifferent” mean again?

“This ain’t some way of saying you’re dating Howard, is it?” he asks sharply.

“What? No, Howard is straight! Even if he wasn’t, I don’t think we’d end up together.”

“Good. You can do better than that kid.”

I’m caught off guard by this entire conversation. “Say what now?”

“Howard’s a nice young man, but we don’t exactly think he’d be good for you romantically speaking. He’s a great kid, don’t get us wrong,” Mom says nonchalantly. This sounds like a conversation they’ve had before. They’re too comfortable saying all this.

“He’s an okay kid,” Dad corrects. “He might be your friend but he pushes you around and gets you both into a lot of trouble. I also assume he’s the reason behind your grades fluctuating so much.”

"Wait, wait. You're both okay with this - with me?"

“Of course!” Mom assures me.

“Not if you were dating Howard,” Dad mutters way too loud to just be a mutter. Mom waves him off despite her face clearly saying she agrees with him.

“You’ve been in such a funk lately, sweetie. If this is the big thing that’s been bothering you, I’m just happy to see you happy. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you smile like this.”

Chapter Text

The sky is blue, the grass is green, and my hair is, of course, a very natural shade of purple. I feel like a new man.

I feel like my bike tire is loose.

A few yards away from the school bike rack, I totally bite it. The front tire wobbles off and the bike tips forward and then to the side. I’m lucky enough my head misses the sidewalk but I still hit the ground pretty hard. “Wonked,” I groan.

My ribs ache with phantom fractures. I guess broken bones take longer to Ninja Heal all the way. That or my body takes a while to absorb Ninja Magic when the physical trauma is that severe. I get thrown around a lot as the Ninja but I think there’s also some kinda Ninja Magic that lessens the overall damage…usually, I think, maybe? I’m just Ninja-Talking outta my butt, honestly.

I hear a window open. “HAHA! Cunningham cunning-fell!” Of course, when I look up, it’s Bash Johnson – the school bully and McFist’s stepson – and his little friend posse. I’m not letting this get to me, though. I might lay here for a few minutes but this will not define my day.

Howard greets me by our lockers. When he strolls up, I’m in the middle of rubbing the grass stains from my face in my little locker mirror. “Hey, Cunningham. Heard you really ate some turf out there. Really cheesed it, huh?”

I lick my thumb and banish the last bit of green from my cheek. “Howie, baby, don’t you worry about little ol’ me! I’m a walking bi-saster. It’s who I am! It’s what I do!”

He squints at me. “You did not just make a bi pun,” he grumbles.

“Oh, but I did!” I slam my locker victoriously. “Turns out, my parents are still proud of their one and only bi-son.”

“This is gonna be you all day, isn’t it?”

I grab his shoulder and get my head right next to his. “This is gonna be me forever!”      

“Oh no.”

“Oh, yes! Think about it, think about it! I, Randy, love puns!” I lower my voice to a whisper for the rest of my little tangent. “The Ninja loves puns! It’s a bi-identity all wrapped into one bisexual bruce boy! How could I not make puns about this? Imagine the venn bi-agram of it all!”

Howard is not amused. He’s never up for my puns unless they involve farts, butts, or duty. Heheh! Duty! What a classic.

“You’re gonna out yourself by doing this,” Howard warns.

I stand tall and pull my best “How dare you?” face. “I will not! What do you take me for?”

“A shoob with a pun problem.”

I raise a finger. I lower said finger. He’s not wrong.

“Uh-huh, exactly.” Howard says dryly. He starts heading for homeroom and I follow him. “Did you finish our English project?”

“Our what now?”

Chapter Text

There was no English project but I did do our history report somehow at some point. It’s worth at least a B-.

As Howard and I make our way to lunch, I ponder aloud, “Hey, do you ever think it’s weird Norrisville was founded as a Japanese settlement but is now a city predominately populated with white people?”

“The answer is colonization, Cunningham, always. Never fails to fail us as a society.”

“Dang, that’s deep.” I open the cafeteria door for him and do an overzealous bow. “After you, oh, wise one!”

He plays right along and chooses an equally overzealous Southern accent. I would’ve gone with British but this works just as well. “Why thank you my fine fellow! Now we are to – I say, I say – partake in some tots of the tater vari-et-tay. I say, I say.”

“You say, you say only the smartest of things!”

“I say, I say!” Howard repeats, tugging on the collar of his outer shirt.

“You say, you say!”

We stop in line for food, grab our trays, and high five. Right in front of me is Flute Girl. She’s been braiding her hair with these neat silk ribbons this year. It really suits her.

She turns to us, eyes unamused behind her glasses, and spats, “You guys are idiots.”

Never mind, I’ve decided she kinda sucks.

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Stevens chatting up a couple of classmates. He’s such a tomcat. I can’t believe he flirts so shamelessly with so many other girls when he’s with Flute Girl. What about a trombone is attractive, exactly?

I face forward again and notice Flute Girl texting someone. “Weinerman and Cunningham are idiots,” it reads.

Cool, thanks.

I eye Stevens again. The Sorcerer doesn’t exist anymore. He was destanked to the fullest extent when he was reunited with the good half of himself. No one’s been stanked since the last semester of last year. So, I don’t see the harm in making the tater tot line a little shorter. “Hey, Flute Girl, are those Stevens’ cousins over there?” I ask, half sneaky, half snarky.

“What?” Her head whips over to where he’s standing. He’s leaning against a wall, his trombone mimicking his pose. A ginger girl in pink stands on his left and a Black girl with long braids on his right. “No! He comes from a very long line of only-children!” Flute girl slams her empty tray on the ground and heads towards her boyfriend.

Howard and I take a step forward. “Ohoh! Stevens such a tomcat!” he laughs.

“Right?”

“Do that again! I say, I say we should be at the front of this line! I say, I say!”

I can only imagine what the Nomicon would have to say about me doing it once let alone several times. “No, Howard. We’re almost to front as it is.”

“Come on! There’s no stanking, so there are basically no repercussions!” he eggs on.

I stand my ground. “Stanking was never the only repercussion to causing trouble, shoob-for-brains.” We get our tots and whatever the main dish is (a nonspecific brown goo between two buns), and find some seats.

The tots are delicious and the brown goo sandwich tastes like a lot of nothing. It’s not a good meal but it’s been government and school board approved. At least the chocolate milk isn’t expired. “So, why does McFist keep attacking you if there’s no Sorcerer? What’s the benefit?”

“I think it’s just revenge at this point.”

“For what? All you’ve ever done is defend yourself and cause…uh, minor inconveniences.”

I noisily slurp the rest of my milk down. “Beats me. It’s probably for making him look stupid and wasting his money. He’s a gazillionaire, though. What’s a few hundred grand on the Ninja if you’ve got that much money?”

“True, true.” Our conversation is interrupted by Flute Girl sprinting across the cafeteria with her hands over her face. “What the juice is her problem?”

Stevens pops out from the janitor’s closet and toots out a sad trombone note. Then one of eyebrows raises over his sunglasses as he eyes the girls he was talking to before. His sadsack note transitions to an upbeat, flirty tune.

“Huh. You know, that’s a lot less charming than usual,” I say absently.

Howard chuckles. “Don’t tell me you have a thing for that shoob.”

“Cheese no. He’s fun to watch from a distance but he’s a terrible romantic partner. He’s also not my type.”

“What is your type?”

I shrug. I haven’t really had the chance to think about it. I like attractive girls who are nice to me but usually want nothing to do with me. Guys? Not a clue.

We move on with our day as the bell rings. Howard and I are having a good conversation about what the next Brock Octane movie is when suddenly –

“BREAK HEART! BREAK BONES!” a guttural roar rings out. Kids scream and scatter off in several directions. Some break the hall windows and bolt. Others flee to surrounding classrooms or stuff themselves in lockers.

I sprint to the nearest corner and peek around it. A pink crab monster stands where I’m pretty sure Flute Girl’s locker is – or was. She stands on six spindly legs, three on a partially destroyed wall and three on the cracking floor. Tattered clothes hang on her and a pair of glasses sit uselessly on where a nose should be. The eyes are long, free-standing tubes.

The crab grabs a water fountain from the wall, pulling it free, sending water spewing all over the floor, and hurls it down the hall. It misses the corner I’m hiding behind by three inches.

I jump back instinctively and spit out an actual curse word. I turn to Howard but he’s already gone.

“What the juice is going on? How could –? No, there’s no time!” I zip into a nearby locker and pull on the Ninja mask, instantly becoming the black and red vigilante. Popping back out, I hope I can think of something useful to do.

“Smoke bomb!” I appear in a red puff of smoke in front of the stanked Flute Girl. I summon my bō staff from the pocket dimension in the scarf gap at the back of my neck. My quip comes quickly and naturally: “What’s got you so crabby?”

Somewhere, I hear Howard shout, “Boo!”

The crab roars and storms towards me. I let out a less than manly scream and drop to the floor, bō staff horizontal across my chest, like I’m in a game of limbo. One of my knees pops or cracks or something. It feels kinda good but I know that’s gonna hurt long-term.

I pop back to my feet and scan the area for anyone who could’ve heard that. I am so out of practice destanking people. McFist robots are ultimately easy to bust but destanking involves solving puzzles. I’ve either got to destroy the object the stank is trapped in or solve whatever conflict’s going on.

A trombone flutters in a panic in the cafeteria. “Of course! When isn’t this a Stevens-based problem?” I pull out a smoke bomb and make a reentrance in the cafeteria. Stevens is already in the grip of one of Flute Girl’s massive claws. He’s feverishly trying to play something on his trombone.

“NO!” The crab whips it out of his hands and it goes flying into a wall. She raises her other claw, setting up her final blow.

“Ninja Save!” I cast out the Ninja scarf and it wraps clear around her free claw. “Ninja Spikes!” I plant myself firmly to the floor with the sudden cleats on my feet.

“Flute Girl, this isn’t the way to handle your feelings,” I say firmly.

She tries to catapult me into the wall but I barely budge.

“Breakups are hard but it’s best to just walk away. Stevens Is a jerk and face it, he’s not even cute.”

Stevens gasps.

“Yeah, you needed to hear that someday, bud,” I shout to him.

The crab’s form wobbles but she roars again. “BONES BREAK! BONES!” She foams at the mouth, lost in the sauce of her emotions.

I raise an eyebrow. “Bones? Will you settle for trombone? Singular?” I allow one of my hands to let go of the Ninja scarf and reach back for a weapon. I whip it towards the fallen trombone. “Ninja Emotional Retribution Slice!” A single Ninja Ring slices the trombone clean in half. Green stank flies out of it and the crab monster, finally returning Flute Girl to her human form. My scarf is now wrapped around a good portion of her arm. I retract it just as her stanknesia wears off.

“Huh? What?” Flute Girl looks at Stevens, who’s sitting on the floor, horrified; and then at his destroyed instrument. She goes from confused to victorious. “Yeah! That’s what you get! Jerkwad!”

I scratch the back of my head. “Maybe it’d be best if you two didn’t get back together? Doesn’t seem like this relationship is ever…good when I have to come around,” I suggest.

“Oh, I don’t know, Ninja,” Flute Girl shrugs. “What’s a relationship without a few arguments?”

“H’oh boy. Okay. Just keep in mind it doesn’t hurt to be all bi yourself when the time comes.” I chuckle at the pun no one knows I made.

“Butt out, Ninja.”

“Mmm. Ah, a’smoke bomb.”

Chapter Text

I’m standing over the huge fish floor mosaic in the school’s main lobby. It’s a gorgeous collection of blues, yellows, and oranges. At its center, in the eye of the fish, is this gold sphere. It’s the Eye of Eternities; the stone the first Ninja trapped the Tengu, the bird demon I get my fire powers from. It used to trap the Sorcerer beneath the school but it’s empty now. It should be empty now.

Howard sits impatiently on the stairs in the main stairwell. “You almost done? It’s ten minutes after three! We have places to be!”

Hands on my hips, I roll my eyes. “No we don’t.”

“We could have places to be!”

I ignore him and kneel on the mosaic, trying to get a closer look at the stone. It just doesn’t make any sense. I almost don’t want to open this thing. If there’s something still able to stank students, I have no idea what it might be. The Ninja has to be brave but Randy Cunningham is feeling a bit like a chicken.

“Don’t break that thing,” Howard warns, two inches from my face.

I fall backwards. I clutch my heart. Why would he do that to meeee?

“I’m not becoming a bird demon for a third time. You said the last time was the last time.” He’s got his hands on his hips and a very stern look in his eye.

“No, I said I couldn’t promise that.” I push myself back onto my knees and continue studying the fish eye. “You wanna be the Ninja’s bestie, you gotta take the risk.”

Howard groans. “Can we speed this up? What are you even doing?”

“Flute Girl got stanked. Stanking shouldn’t be a thing anymore. I have to figure out what’s going on. I think that might involve using the Sorcerer’s Key.”

Howard groans again, louder. He sulks back towards the stairs before zipping back to me. He bounces excitedly with a huge grin. “Wait, my shoe should be down there! I’m coming with you!”

I stand and don the Ninja mask. In a barrage of black ribbons and red light, I’m ready. I pull out the key and jam it into the stone. Yellow light shines from it as the ground begins to rumble. I spring to Howard, grab him, and leap to the outer edge of the fish mosaic. It separates at the center into four curved slices and opens to reveal a dark, dank hole.

I lean over the edge. I don’t like the looks of this. There’s a pillar down there somewhere where the Sorcerer lived for 800 years, but I can’t see it.

“You gonna put me down oorrr…?”

“You gonna jump down this spooky hole by yourself oorrr…?” I sass back.

“Point taken. Carry on.”

I grab my scarf and wing it towards the light fixture above us. After it’s securely wrapped around the stem of the light, I take a careful leap into the hole, Howard clinging to my side. I make a good dip in the scarf to plant my foot in and ease us down.

We’re quiet for some time. This is taking a lot longer than I’d like it to. It also smells like mildew and sadness in here. This is so far from bruce.

Eventually, we land on the stone pillar. Howard steps down from my hold and looks around uncomfortably. I join him, taking note of the hundreds of pipes surrounding the hole’s opening. They snake downwards, too, and who knows for how far. Each one must lead to the school’s ventilation system. That’s how the stank travels up to the students. I thought maybe it just came through the floor because magic?

I mean, Ninja Magic has rules. Evil Magic having rules makes sense, too.

I shake away from the dankness of this defunct prison and look around. There’s nothing.

“My shoe!”

There’s Howard’s shoe.

“This doesn’t make any sense. Something’s wonk.” I scratch the back of my neck. The Nomicon buzzes and flashes in my waist sash. “Oh, thank you! Someone has to know what’s going on!” I pull the book out and flip it open. It shines brightly and then – “Ahruuh.”

The finely aged pages surround me in their usual, yellow-beige color. They’re also tossing me to the ground, as per usch’. I’ve become good at catching myself before faceplanting, but not this time.

I pry myself off the hand drawn grass, sputtering some out. “That hurt my Nomi-bones and my bones-bones. Wonk.” I look up to see a familiar scene: the Sorcerer’s original human form approaching a pond housing the green glow of the stank spheres.

Standing, I sigh. “I’ve seen this before! What’s your point?”

“The point –”

I jump and take a panicked step back. “Ohmygosh, whywouldyoudothat?” I say, half shouting.

First Ninja squints at me with disapproval. He turns back to the scene at hand: a 13^th century, bald Japanese man transforming into the Sorcerer – an 8-foot-tall, gnarly green dude. “The point is, you defeated the looming evil over Norrisville but you did not defeat the source of evil itself. The Chaos Pearls are still out there. If they’re not in the Sorcerer’s prison, someone’s stolen them.”

Red lights blare in my brain. I calm them long enough to say exactly one sensible thing, “Okay, but who?”

First Ninja, barely looking at me, shrugs.

“WHAT? YOU DON’T KNOW!” Full panic mode sets in. “HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW? YOU’RE FIRST NINJA! FIRST NINJA IN THE NOMICON! YOU KNOW SOMETHING! YOU HAVE TO!”

Red ribbons pop out of the ground, firmly grabbing me by both ankles. Before I can react, I’m on the ground and quickly being pulled into it. I try to dig my fingers into the grass drawings but not to much avail. “YOU CAN’T DO THIS! WHO ELSE KNOWS ABOUT NINJA STUFF? C’MON! DON’T DO THI –”

The last thing I see is First Ninja’s back. He doesn’t even care. How dare he leave me hanging like this! I am 15! What does this 800-year-old book expect from me?

I wake up, face pressed firmly in the musty pages of the Nomicon. I push myself up with a sudden gasp of air. I give it a stern point. “We are not done talking about this!”

A small strip of paper poofs out of the center of the book and slaps me in the face. I peel it off. It reads, “The Ninja must remain calm in the face of danger.” I crumble it up and stand.

There the NinjaNomicon is. Staring at me, mocking me. It’s not my fault it told me nothing! “Stupid piece of shit!” I shout at it, kicking it a little.

“Whoa!” Howard exclaims. “You only bust out the real swears when you need to. What’d it say?”

I take a deep breath as deeply as I can and let it go. Then I do it a second time and a third time. I pick up the Nomicon, closing it, and run my hand across the cover. “I’m sorry I reacted like that, and I’m sorry I kicked you. Emotions are high right now.”

It blinks with a red light once. All is forgiven. I stuff it back into my waist sash.

“Someone stole the Chaos Pearls the Sorcerer used to stank people. First Ninja and the Nomicon don’t know who.”

“THEY DON’T KNOW?”

I’m perfectly calm but Howard yelling gets me yelling instantly. I throw my hands up, dramatically responding with, “THAT’S WHAT I SAID!”

Chapter Text

Howard and I are in my room, staring at a corkboard covered in pictures, written notes, newspaper clippings, and red string. Our list of who knows about the Ninja and the intricacies of the Ninja is limited.

Debbie Kang discovered my identity and the Nomicon in 9^th grade (my fault) but she was mind-wiped. For a brief period, my name was in everyone’s mouth but thanks to Howard, I’ve been permanently severed as a potential suspect for the Ninja’s identity.

That Catfish Booray guy in the swamp behind the school knows I’m the Ninja, but he still thinks my name is Ranginald Bagel. He had a Chaos Pearl once but the Sorcerer used it to control him. If he remembers that, he probably doesn’t want anything to do with Chaos Pearls.

Mac Antfee – the Ninja of ’85 – has been permanently mind-wiped of everything regarding the Ninja. As far as I know, none of the previous Ninjas (who should be alive in this decade) have an inkling of remembering anything Ninja related – on a personal level, I mean.

McFist and Viceroy know about the Ninja but they don’t know anything about the Ninja. They probably saw the Chaos Pearls fall back into the underground prison, but why would they wait so long to retrieve them? I doubt they have anything to do with this…yet, at least.

Howard is the only person outside of me who currently knows about any of this. Even if he could be a potential suspect, he wasn’t down there before today. He would’ve taken his shoe then, if that was the case. Also, it’s pretty impossible to get into that prison without the Sorcerer’s Key…I think? I didn’t see any other exit or entrance down there.

“Soooo, this feels like a dead end,” Howard says nonchalantly.

“Big time.” My eyes zip around a few of the string trails but don’t find any new leads. “We have to figure this out, though. Lives are at stake.”

Howard hums. “What about the Sorceress? Is she still a thing?”

“I don’t think so. When we rescued Julian from the Land of Shadows, we only ran into like three other living things.” I shake my head. “She must’ve found her good side by accident and permanently destanked herself.”

“But didn’t she have Chaos Pearls, too?”

“Yeah, but if she destanked in there, that’s where those Pearls are. I think we’re really only concerned about the green ones here.”

Howard sighs. “Okay, this is impossible. Are you sure the Nomicon doesn’t have any clues in it?”

“It said it doesn’t know.”

“It says that but what does it know?”

I chuckle. “The NinjaNomicon is 800 years old. I think it knows a thing or two.”

“Yeah, but what if it’s got clues inside it doesn’t know about? Somethin’ in between the lines – or, or some kinda ancient sticky note!”

My eyes widen. “Howard, you’re a genius!” I zip to my satchel and pull out the Nomicon.

“Tell that to my sister,” he says sarcastically. “Uh, what are you doing?”

I’m holding the Nomicon upside and wiggling the pages. “Looking for secret notes. Duh.” I sigh and flip the book over the right way. I don’t wanna get shloomped but shaking this bad boy isn’t doing any – “Ahruuh.”

Oops. Well. Oh well.

I land on an ancient Japanese roof covered in terracotta shingles. I’m at the main building where all the Ninja Lessons are stored. Maybe there’s a secret passageway somewhere?

Wait, I hear screaming. Where –?        

“SORRYSORRYSORRY!”

“AHH! WHAT THE JUICE?”

Howard smacks into me from the sky, and we go tumbling off the roof into the building’s courtyard. There goes one of my perfect landings.

“My Nomi-bones… My bones-bones,” I groan.

My best friend pushes himself off my back, which cracks painfully. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to –! I thought –! Ugh, I thought you looked at the book wrong, so I tried to – and now I’m here.”

“No, that’s fine. We really need two sets of eyes on this.” I haven’t moved.

“You good?”

“Technically.” I get to my feet and reorient myself. “Okay, look for anything that looks plain but suspicious: an askew rug, a single red book on a shelf of blue ones, wall fixtures that look pullable – anything.” Howard and I exchange a nod and scatter off in two different directions. I don’t see him again for however much time passes. Nomicon time is weird. Sometimes two seconds pass, sometimes I lose like forty minutes.

I’m walking through a hallway made entirely of paper screen walls. There are no windows, doors, or décor. Various lights shift and flash behind them like a subdued rave. Multiple voices mutter and whisper on either side of me. I don’t know where I am and I hate it. I feel like something’s gonna tear through these walls and rip me to shreds. There’s definitely some sort of jumpscare waiting for me here somewhere.

My heartbeat becomes loud in my ears. I’m starting to get overwhelmed. There might even be a panic attack coming on. I’ve only had one once but you don’t forget something like that.

A fart sounds off under my foot. I grin. Suddenly, this is the only thing on my mind and I’ve got a huge smile on my face. There’s a loose board in the flooring here. “Thought you could get me with your scary widdle hallway, huh, Nomicon? Think again!” I press on the board again and it farts. “Time to restore my sanity!” I bounce my foot on the board as many times as I can. This is literally the best thing I’ve seen all day!

I fall suddenly, my leg through the floor. The stupid grin on my face doesn’t fade, the amusement replaced by a dumbfounded “now what?” I look around me just in case there’s some angry suit of samurai armor or a cheesed off incarnation of one of the past Ninjas. I’m safe aside from the disembodied voices reminding me of their existence.

As I start to pull myself up from the floor, I notice an ominous red glow coming from the hole. Just what the Ninja ordered!

Free from the floor, I shove my face into the hole. There’s a pit of pastel Japanese kanji that leads to some kind of solid grounding. The ominous glow I saw is coming from a red box with gold plating. It’s slowly sinking into a field of grass or wheat or something.

I look around for something to bust the floor open more but there’s still nothing. In a panic, I forget about summoning doodle weapons and jump into the air, heels together. “Ninja Leap of Faith!” I crash through the floor into a pale blue sky. I spin midair, streamlining myself and rocketing towards the sinking box. As I close in on it, this actually seems to be a rice paddy field.

The box just might be sinking into the water then. Maybe I don’t need to take such a dramatic line of action towards it. But, then again, anything’s possible in here. Either way, I’m moving too fast to make any different choices.

As I outstretch my arms, the box disappears between the rice stalks. “NO!”

Sploosh!

I’m in water. I am clearly in water but I’m not exactly wet. The sensation of water is very apparent and I’m swimming, but I’m just in some blue tinted air with blue penciling to signify bubbles and water movement.

The box is inches from my reach. With one kick of my feet, the box grazes my fingers and I manage to pull it to my chest. I laugh with relief. “Yes! You thought you could run from the Ninja! Get outta here, you!”

I’m spinning slowly in the middle of this fake water. Looking around, this is just where I am now. There’s no exit in sight. I look up to where I dove in from but there’s no distinction from up or down.

Box time then.

This…is the same box I got the Ninja mask and Nomicon in. I have this stashed somewhere in my room. Why would this be hidden in the Nomicon? There’s nothing secret about this.

I try to pry it open but it won’t budge. “Tell me your secrets! What’s so significant about this?”

“Cunningham! Thank cheese! This section is so boring!” Howard’s voice comes from my far left. He’s in a window that’s materialized in the distance. “How’d you get in there?”

“Uhh, hole in the floor in a scary hallway. Then a rice paddy field.” I swim towards him, the box pressed to my chest with one hand.

“You know, that kinda makes sense.”

I’m mystified but whatever. “Help me outta here.” Howard grabs my hand and pulls me towards him.

“In or out, dude. You can’t have it both ways,” Howard struggles to say. Something’s preventing me coming all the way through.

“Can’t I, though?”

Howard shoots me a dirty look. It doesn’t stop me from smiling full force.

“Perfect opportunity for a bi joke. Couldn’t help myself.” Howard yanks on my arm with no warning, successfully freeing me. I hit the wooden flooring like a wet towel but I’m fine.

One problem: box is gone.

I pat my chest for it before looking up to my exit. I fell through a framed painting. Below it is a plaque labeled “Semiaquatic Farming.”

The box is drifting away. I spring up and grab it, but it won’t come through whatever barrier is here. Howard even grabs my waist and we pull on it together. It’s stuck in there. When we give up and let it go, it floats into the distance until it becomes a doodle and dissipates.

“Why the juice did that happen?” I exclaim. I rake my hair back and groan. Then I resort to rubbing my face. It’s all I can do. I’m at such a loss. What is any of this?

“Okay, I’ll bite. Where are we?”

“The Hall of Ancient Arts; stuff irrelevant to modern Ninjas.” Howard gestures to the painting, which has returned to a still image of a rice paddy field. “Unless you wanna be a farmer.”

“Not one of my current career choices, but I’ll keep it in mind.”

Chapter Text

Howard and I spend more time looking for clues, but we come up empty handed. Besides the box, the only valuable thing we find is the Ninja of ‘69’s grandmother’s award winning chocolate chip cookie recipe. We’re totally making that tomorrow after school!

We wake up about ten minutes after we initially got shloomped. I was kinda worried it’d be midnight or something. Unfortunately, we still have homework to do, so this worked out.

“Okay, I’m gonna look the box over and then we’ll work on math and,” my mind blanks, “whatever else there was. I’m so tired.” I move my pride flag aside and head for the comfy seat under my bed. I’ve been keeping it in the hidey hole under the cushion. I’ve also been keeping the sheet music for my keyboard and keytar in it, but I can toss that aside, no big deal.

Howard peeks around my flag. “A Ninja jewelry box?”

“Uh, I guess. I found this on my dresser the day I became the Ninja.”

“Just…on your dresser?”

“Yeah.”

“Creepy. Someone might’ve been in your house, dude. Good thing you moved,” Howard remarks.

He’s got a point. I have no idea how I actually got this box. It might’ve magically appeared or the last Ninja left it for me.

No, that’s impossible. When a Ninja completes his teachings, he learns the Ultimate Lesson and gets mind-wiped. The Nomicon also doesn’t do much besides bug me and shloomp me. It’s never shown itself to be magical outside of the…inside.

“Somebody was totally in my house,” I say with certainty and discomfort, “that or I need to lock my windows.”

I examine the box the best I can. It’s a red wooden box with a gold plated square thingy inside of a gold plated circle. It stands on four blocky legs and is closed by a simple golden latch (which doesn’t even latch, to tell you the truth). There’s nothing special about it. I open it but find no secret compartments or hidden notes. I taped the notes I got with it to the inside of the lid, each of which read: “The NinjaNomicon,” “You Are The Ninja,” and “You Can’t Tell Anyone!”

I close the box and flip it over. On the underside is a golden plaque that reads, “When your journey ends, the Messenger will retrieve the box and its contents.”

“Messenger?” I whisper aloud. There’s smaller text below. It’s something carved by hand: “Not dishwasher safe.” That’s significantly less helpful.

This is a monumental breakthrough, but I’m still so lost. I stuff the box back in the hidey hole, and we tackle our homework. It doesn’t take too long for once. Howard wants to take a real break from Ninja stuff, though, and I don’t blame him. We sit down and play Grave Puncher: Grand Theft Fan-Boat until dinner. Howard heads home, and I have to sit at our dinner table and pretend that I’m not racking my brain over whoever this Messenger person is. Also, which Ninja tried to put that box through a dishwasher? For what reason?

Howard and I regroup the next morning. He gets up early enough for us to bike to school together. And don’t worry, I’ve reassembled my bike and checked each bolt. I should be safe this time.

“You sure you don’t wanna trade Heidi for the Ninja Mask?” Howard asks out of nowhere.

“What?”

“She made some kinda fancy French dinner last night and it was wonk. Why are the French eating snails? Why do I have to eat snails? You want a sister? ‘Cuz I’m done having mine.”

I scoff. “What if she makes something good next time? Then you’ll miss out on,” I search my brain for French cuisine, “crepes or something.”

“I’d kill for that.” Howard shakes his head. “It doesn’t even matter. Heidi’s just doing this because she wants to study abroad in France her senior year.”

“Oh, that’s so bruce! Good for her!”

Howard doesn’t answer.

“How do you feel about it?”

“She’s my sister. It’s gonna be weird for her to be so far away.” He huffs. “Plus, she wants me to take over her Heidi@School MeCast when she goes.”

“You can do that! You’re a natural showman.”

Howard side-eyes me.

“I’m trying to keep it positive. She might leave for a bit, but you’ll still have me. Good ol’ Randy.”

“Yeah, I’m just feelin’ wonk about it. I’ll be fine.” He smirks and shoves me a little. We’re sitting at a crosswalk, waiting for the walk light. “Good heart to heart, Cunningham.”

The walk light flashes and we proceed on our journey. “Yeah, gotta have time for personal life stuff in between Ninja stuff,” I say, smiling right back. “Speaking of which, I think I know what our next step is.”

“For what?”

“Dude, that couldn’t have been more obvious.”

During our eighth period study hall, Howard and I manage to get passes to go to the library. We have to sit down with the old yearbooks and find someone who’s been at the high school the longest. Whether that means a student who’s gone by six different names in six different decades or a staff member who hasn’t aged since the 1920s, we have something to look for.

I spent an hour in my brain before I fell asleep last night. The Norrisville Ninja has been protecting the high school specifically since forever. So, it’s super likely this Messenger person has stuck around the high school for an otherworldly amount of time.

There’s also a chance the Messenger is a passed down position like the Ninja is, but for now, I’m ignoring that as a possibility. We have to start somewhere with this or I’ll go insane.

Howard and I keep a list of people who show up too many times. For a brief moment, we thought the local bubbly goth, Julian, was a suspect but it turns out he’s Julian Moreau III. He, his dad, and his grandfather are like carbon copies of each other with very similar senses of style. Super unsettling.

There’s also a teacher who started here in her 20s and worked until she croaked at the ripe age of 112. She definitely should’ve retired before that but you know how they pay teachers.

“I think we’ve got another Julian case here,” Howard pipes up. He’s got about eight yearbooks open on the floor. He insisted on laying on the floor for this. It does beat the wooden chairs. “Look at these dudes. That hat must be a family heirloom.”

“Lemme see.” Howard shoves one yearbook in my direction, pointing to a staff member. He’s a white guy with reddish-brown hair, a mustache, and a cowboy hat. Before I can read his name, Howard plops another yearbook on top of that one. Then another and another and another. “Wait, wait. This is our bus driver.”

“I mean, one of them is.”

I check the years on the yearbooks. Top to bottom, they go 2013, 2005, 1985, 1969, and 1905. Howard starts to sneak the top book away but I hold up a hand. “This is our guy. This is totally our guy.”

The name says “Bruce McCheese.” A smile has grown on my face but it’s become stagnant because that can’t be that guy’s name. That literally isn’t a name. This is our slang capitalized and accented with a “Mc.”

“You looking at his name? How weird is that?”

“Extremely. I hate it but I feel like I’m contractually obligated to love it.”

Howard laughs and rolls onto his back. He does a big sigh like a cat settling down for a nap. “I live here now,” he says quietly.

I tap my chin. We have to confront him. He has to do his bus route and come back to the school to park the bus for the night. Then he has to go home. It’s probably best to stop him before he even gets to his car.

When…when does a bus finish being a bus? I pull my phone out and try to do some research. “This is too much reading,” I mutter, giving up pretty much immediately.

A shadow looms over the yearbooks and I jump. The librarian, a petite Black woman who is often confused for a student, has approached us. “Clean this up,” she whispers. “There’s ten minutes until the bell.”

Relieved this wasn’t Bruce McCheese, I give her a thumbs up as I smash my face into the yearbook pile in front of me. After her flats tippy tap away, I pick myself up and start collecting the yearbooks. “Howard, help me. Howard.”

That shoob’s asleep. How’d he do that so fast?

Chapter Text

Howard and I have been waiting on the school roof for two and a half hours now. I told him he should go home in case things get dicey but here we are. I’ve been suited up for this the entire time, but right now, I don’t know how necessary it is.

I peek over the edge again. Every bus has docked for the night except the one McCheese drives. Where is this guy?

“Pradeep would not trade his kadhi bari for my escargot at lunch. Can you believe that? I even offered to throw the rice in with it!” Howard goes on. “But no, he already had rice for his kadhi bari. He said his rice was better but it looked the same to me.”

“Uh huh, yeah, totally.” I hold up the binoculars to see if the bus is coming up the road. There’s still no sign of it.

“You’re not listening to me.”

“That’s great.”

“I could say anything right now,” Howard snarks.

“Oh, you know it, buddy.”

“I threw the NinjaNomicon into a toilet once.”

I fake an excited gasp noise. “Yeah! Of course!”

“I actually enjoy being possessed by a demon bird. Great for the pores!”

“Uh huh, uh huh.”

“I told my sister you’re bisexual.”

The last word hits me before the rest of that sentence. I tear myself away from my post and rip my mask off. I need him to see my entire face for this. “You didn’t! You wouldn’t!”

“I wouldn’t. I didn’t.” Howard rolls his eyes. “I’m trying to make conversation here, Cunningham.”

I groan so hard, I growl a little by accident. Then I take a breath. “I’m sorry; we’re on a stake out right now. I’m getting worried and paranoid. Just…please don’t joke about that. I’m trying to keep that part of myself private right now.”

Howard nods. “Yeah, sorry.”

I pull the mask back on and resume my Ninja position. There’s still nothing.

“You know, though,” Howard says quietly, “I don’t know how private you need to be. Pradeep is trans. Julian is gay. Rachel is aroace. I don’t think it’s as bad as you think.”

“I appreciate that but the whole coming out thing is a lot bigger than you realize.”

“You…you came out to your parents on a whim,” he counters, implying my hypocrisy. Yeah, that was really stupid of me. I didn’t test the waters – I dove right in. I got lucky. My parents really could’ve wreaked havoc on my life, but I got really lucky being born to two fantastic people.

“I know, but I’m trying to be smart about the rest of this. I’m not smart about much but this has to be one the things I am.” I lower the binoculars for a moment. “Is that a sentence that made sense? I think I’m dehydrated.”

Howard tosses me a sports drink from his backpack. “Eh, about half.” I chug half of it and return to my post. Luckily, McCheese’s bus finally makes its appearance. It parks in the remaining empty space by the dumpsters.

“Okay, you lay low. I’m gonna jump him when he locks up the bus,” I tell Howard. Then I wait for McCheese to emerge…but he takes about ten minutes messing with his phone. “What are you doing? Get out of the bus!” I say through my teeth.

“Maybe he saw you,” Howard suggests, now peeking over the roof’s edge.

“No way. He’s stalling.”

“You are dressed in all black in broad daylight.”

I shush him as McCheese finally steps out, locks up, and starts walking away. Before I can lower the binoculars, McCheese stops in the middle of the parking lot and looks directly at me. I panic and drop to the floor. “He saw me! He saw me!”

“Told ya.”

I grab the Howard’s shoulder and shake him, shushing him again. We both take a cautious peek at the parking lot. It’s empty. We lost him. I can’t tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

We turn around, ready to bolt, but we’re suddenly clinging to each other, screaming. McCheese looms over us, hands in his pockets and his face unreadable.

Remembering I’m the Ninja, I spring up, unsheathing my sword from my scarf. I hold it firm and steady. “Who are you?” I ask gravely.

“I reckon you already know,” he says too calmly. “Settle down and we can talk.” Using two fingers, he slowly shoves the tip of my blade out of his face. I move it back and hold my stance. No one talks.

McCheese smirks. “Listen, Randy, this ain’t goin’ nowhere til you put your sword down.”

My eyes widen.

“Randy Victor Cunningham. Born February 18^th, 1999. C+ average student. Pure of heart, brave, and of strong constitution. Norrisville Ninja number 199, known for his quips and his strength despite his scrawny stature.”

I’m shaking. My sword is shaking. I don’t know what to do. Howard isn’t saying anything, either. I’m staring down a man who knows way too much about me.

The sword flies from my hands with a powerful roundhouse kick from McCheese. As it clatters against the cement roof, I pull out two bladed tonfas – a weapon that’s traditionally a thick wooden baton with a side handle.

“I can do this all day, kid. I’m a friend of the Ninja; I ain’t gonna cause you harm.”

Something nudges my foot. Out of my peripheral, I can see a Howard silently pleading me to stand down. We sought this guy out, but now, I’m not sure it was our best idea. Frankly, I’m not even sure he’s human.

I note McCheese’s steely look. His top is a short sleeved, white cowboy shirt with green shoulders and hems. His cut-offs are held up by a black belt with a huge buckle. His whole cowboy getup, which is questionable, is incomplete by a pair of work boots.

I lower my tonfas. “One wrong move and you’re toast,” I warn.

McCheese shrugs and nods.

McCheese leads us off the roof to an outdoor picnic table near the staff parking lot. From an old, scratched up mini cooler from out of his equally old, scratched up truck, he presents us a container of chocolate chip cookies. Howard reaches for one but I smack his hand away. I still don’t trust this guy.

He sits opposite of me and Howard. He smiles a normal smile and gestures to the cookies. “C’mon, I ain’t scary.”

Howard reaches for a cookie again. Without looking, I grab his wrist and lower it back into his lap. “Talk,” I insist. “Who are you? What are you? Why are you?”

“They call me the Messenger. I’m considered the guardian of the Ninja Mask and the NinjaNomicon when they ain’t in someone’s possession. When a Ninja has completed their teachings, they learn the Ultimate Lesson and I carry on the legacy to the next recipient. That of which is picked personally by the NinjaNomicon itself. I ain’t got a part in that,” McCheese explains all in slow drawl. I don’t know how he’s so calm when he knows so much. This has to be overwhelming to someone besides me.

“How long have you been the Messenger?”

“800 years or so. I been ‘round longer than that, though.” McCheese leans on the table with this elbows. “Y’know, you can take the mask off. No need for formalities with me.”

I ignore his comment. “Are you human?”

“Mmm, once, I s’pose. Once I took the Oath of Immortality, my humanity wasn’t a subject matter anymore, so to speak.”

My skin crawls. What does that mean? Do I even wanna know?

“Real talk,” Howard interrupts, “is your name really Bruce McCheese?”

“As you know it, yes. The one bestowed upon me by the Oath ain’t something the likes of you boys can pronounce.”

Howard gasps. I can only imagine the sparkle in his eye. He was so terrified 15 minutes ago and now he’s partaking in this...whatever it is. “Like Cthulhu?”

“Somethin’ like that.” McCheese pushes the brim of his hat up. For a second, his eyes are taken over by a muddled mess of colors winding into one another and never settling. Once it’s passed, he smiles.

I hear chewing next to me and I instinctively smack the cookie out of Howard’s hand. “Dude! Those could be poisoned!” I shout, standing abruptly.

The immortal, eldritch horror before us laughs. “The Ninja of ‘69’s grandmother wasn’t the type to poison, and neither am I.”

I plop back down and groan, letting my forehead kerthunk on the table. This guy is starting to seem trustworthy but I also never want him near me again.

“You ain’t normally this stressed, kiddo. What’s got the Ninja so blue?” McCheese asks. I almost hate the way he says it, acting like he’s a close relative.

Slowly, I lift my head. Anger is building in the back of my skull. If this was all for nothing, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I make sure my tone is calm and even with my next words. I don’t want to do anything that might cut him off from us (despite me very much never wanting to interact with him again). He’s our only ally right now. “What happened to the Chaos Pearls?”

There’s an eyebrow raise, a look of bewilderment, and some silence. “They’re gone?”

I nod.

“And they ain’t with you?”

I nod again.

There’s more silence.

“Listen, I ain’t s’posed to be as involved with this as much as you think. I can only help you so much; it’s part of the Oath.” He leans forward, voice low. “Your greatest battle has yet to come. All I can say is: don’t stop at chapter one.”

Chapter Text

We’re riding home on our bikes. I’ve been quiet, racking my brain for our next move – for my next move. I don’t know how involved with this Howard should be anymore. The stakes are higher than I ever could’ve imagined.

I have to shloomp when I get home and see what my next challenge is. I also need to scream into a pillow or something. The anxiety and terror building on my shoulders is already starting to weigh down on me.

I know I can handle whatever comes next. The Nomicon picked me for a reason. I’m capable, I’m brave, and I’m stubborn. I’ve fought the Sorcerer head on before - twice. I fight the robots of an unhinged gazillionaire on the regular. I’m getting B’s and C’s on book reports without reading the books. I am the Norrisville Ninja.

“All I’m saying is, why is an immortal being a bus driver?” Howard goes on. He’s been rambling like this the entire time. “He could be the principal or a history teacher! He’d be a bruce history teacher. I bet McCheese met JFK before he was y’know. They still have that picture of him at the zoo.”

It’s kinda relaxing that he won’t shut up.

“Do you think a Ninja has ever gone on to be president? Maybe that’s what you should do with your life. President Randall Cunningham and his noble Vice President, Howard Weinerman. I like the sound of that.”

I allow myself this conversation. “I have zero interest in politics, dude.”

“Oh, thank cheese! Neither do I. I don’t know why I said that. I was totally setting us up for a shoobtastic life.” Howard sighs with relief. “I was worried I’d have to assassinate you.”

“Whoa, I don’t think you’d need to take it that far!”

“To save us from politics? Yes. Yes, I would.” We share a laugh as our houses come into view. “Hey, you gonna be okay, Cunningham?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. It’s just a lot all at once. I need some time to recollect myself is all.” We stop right before Howard’s house, taking a moment to just sit. I clear my throat. “Are you?”

“Yeeaah. I’m pretty used to all this world-ending danger by now. It’s pretty exciting,” he says plainly.

“Buuut, it’s also danger.”

“Well, duh. That’s what’s exciting about it!”

“It’s also a good way to die,” I say kinda fast.

Howard isn’t picking up on my tone in the least. “Existing is a good way to die.”

“Sure, sure. However, have you considered that this world-ending danger could, y’know – I don’t know, make you die prematurely? It’s just a little something to keep in mind. Maybe.”

“Cunningham, I could die prematurely by choking on a walnut. That won’t stop me from eating walnuts.” My best friend turns to me and squints. He’s caught on. “Do you have something you wanna say not cryptically? You’re talking like a knock-off Nomicon.”

I step off my bike, stalling every and any word I could possibly say. While I’m going through a verbal loop of “well,” “I don’t know,” and “maybe,” I remove my helmet and squeeze it a little between my hands. “I’m just gonna say it. I’m worried things are getting too dangerous and less exciting because the risk of dying due to said danger is waaay higher than it used to be. I don’t want you to get hurt. If something happened to you because I messed up or because you’re too close to me, I’d never forgive myself.

“So, I wanna give you an opportunity to bail. You don’t have to do anything regarding the Ninja if you don’t want to. Your safety is one of my top priorities.”

Howard gets off his bike next, popping his helmet off quickly after. Whatever he’s about to say next is coming from a very confident glint in his eye. “Being the Ninja’s bestie comes with risks, and I’m willing to take each one. We’ve always had each other’s backs, and that’s not gonna stop because some magic man with a fake name said things are getting spooky.

“I might run away from danger ‘on occasion’ but at the end of the day, I’m here for you.” Howard accents “on occasion” with air quotes but that doesn’t matter. I’m still smiling this silly big smile. There’s still a manly tear of the truest of bromances welding up in my eye.

Without saying anything, we drop our bikes together and do our best friend handshake: fake-out chest bump, down low, up high, head bump, dramatic lean back, returning high five, high five into elbow bump, swap places, fist bump, rock-and-roll hands – fingers touching, back to back, do a few spins, and end in some killer boyband poses. After we chuckle to ourselves about how bruce our handshake is, I offer Howard a hug. A real hug.

Guys are infamous for that stupid half hug with a mutual back pat, but I don’t think we’ve ever done that to each other. Even if that was a thing for us, this entire conversation, this entire friendship is worth so much more than that.

Chapter Text

Around 10pm, I’m in bed, NinjaNomicon in hand. I screamed into a pillow right after I got home, so that’s out of the way. Now, I have to face whatever chapter two holds. I didn’t even know this book had chapters.

I lay back and open the book. If my parents come to check on me for any reason, it’ll just look like I fell asleep reading. That’s technically what’s happening, anyway. Technically.

“Ahruuh.”

I drop directly onto a cloud, not falling through it for once. Once I’ve got my bearings, I notice the mountain before me in the distance. I think it might be Mt. Fuji.

“You’re ready to continue your journey?” a voice asks from my right. I jump, but it’s just First Ninja. It’s never not him, but I never expect a human voice inside this thing.

“I’m ready. I need to know what’s next.”

“Good.” First Ninja nods and turns to the mountain. “You skipped the prologue.”

I blink. “Prologue?”

My seat grows thin beneath me, quickly breaking and dropping me. I plummet to the ground, screaming and flailing. I don’t have time to think as – THUMP!

Dirt is not soft. If I wasn’t in the Nomicon, I’d be super dead right now. I’m gonna feel this in the morning.

First Ninja floats down next to me and Ninja Flips off his cloud. The audacity.

“The Ninja came into existence when the Realm of Shadows leaked its evil into our realm. My clan sought out the nine-headed dragon of Ashi Lake – Kuzuryū.”

A black mass emerges from the water. Nine long necks snake into the air, each topped with a massive head. Their dragon mustaches wiggle to life and their eyes, pair by pair creak open.

The heads are identical. Big nostrils, more mustache-type facial details with eyebrows to match, and huge, sharp teeth. Their eyes are a piercing white, but their teeth are dull, almost yellow with age. The only other color across this massive beast is a very familiar red. The facial hair-esque things, the spikes down the necks, and any extravagant scales that aren’t flat on the body are all a brilliant red.

“Considering the circumstances,” First Ninja goes on, “it was willing to forego the usual sacrifice. Each head took energy from both us and each of the nine realms, creating the ninja masks.”

Each pair of eyes shift in color, following the classic ROY G BIV pattern along with black and white. Their mouths open, full of a plasma-type energy that drips freely into the lake. The colors swirl and twist until the water boils, becoming completely white. This resulting color steams into the air and stops about three feet off the water.

The rainbow of colors shines from the steam, nine masks floating in the midst of it. As First Ninja continues, the steam fades from each mask and one of the nine people standing on the shore wade into the water to retrieve one.

“Red, representing our realm, the origin of the Ninja; the Ninja Realm.”

“Orange, representing every realm adjacent to ours; The Realm of Alternate Paths.”

“Yellow, for the Realm of Shadows.”

“Green, for the Realm of Chance.”

“Blue, for the Realm of Light.”

“Indigo, the Realm of Time.”

“Violet, the Realm of Loss.”

“Black, the Realm of Nothingness.”

“White, the Realm of Creation.”

I watch quietly. I think I’ve heard First Ninja say the next part before. Each member of his clan dons a mask and spring into the air. The scene fades until it’s only the yellowed pages of the Nomicon.

It’s quiet for some time.

Then, there’s a splatter of each color before me. A crude, shifting image of First Ninja stands among it. His black and red suit is dark among the carnage behind him.

“I lost each of my brothers, one by one. When I was the only one left, the Sorcerer fled to your country. I followed. Alone.”

I wait for First Ninja to continue, but I hear him sniffle instead. When I look over, he’s sitting on a log behind us, and he has his mask pushed up to his forehead, his face in his hands. Unsure of what to say, I take a seat and place a hand on his shoulder.

“I found solace in my squire, Plop Plop, when my village immigrated. The Ultimate Lesson erased my human memory. Here, I can never forget.”

My attention is pulled back to the imagery before us. The drawing of First Ninja is now standing in front of the very detailed Kuzuryū. It speaks in nine different voices, forming one that radiates throughout my soul.

“We are told the Sorcerer’s reign will outlive you. You must prepare for the journey ahead.” A rectangle of water drips upwards from the lake. It glows red, revealing the NinjaNomicon. “Your soul is not strong enough to handle the knowledge and power you are growing into. No one will be for quite some time. Once in the new land, you will have four years to complete your training and conquer the Sorcerer.”

A bluish-purplish portal opens behind the Nomicon. From it, a white man in a cowboy hat steps out. McCheese.

“When the time comes, you will be approached and required to turn in your mask and the knowledge within it. It will then be passed on and you will go about your life.”

The scene fades out completely, replaced by the scenic Mt. Fugi again. I have a sneaking suspicion that speaking would be inconsiderate right now. If I say anything, I need to tread lightly.

“The Red Ninja is all that remains of the Norisu Nine. You carry the legacy.”

“So,” I say quietly, “what happened to the other masks?”

First Ninja pulls his mask down. “As far as I know, if a Ninja dies in the mask, the mask dies with him.”

Chapter Text

My ability to wade through school the next day is varied. I manage English and History, but I fumble horrendously in Math and Gym. Half of it is knowing I have a heavy legacy to carry, and half of it is from waking up from the Nomicon at 3am. I am so tired.

Howard and I go to the library again during study hall, and I take a nap behind a beanbag chair in a usually unvisited corner. Before the bell can ring, Howard shakes me awake. “Dude, there’s a robot rampaging in town!”

“But it’s nap o’clock,” I yawn. I sit up and rub my eyes.

“Yeah, well, you better dip before the school goes into lockdown and you can’t get out.” My best friend peeks around a bookshelf. “The librarian is already trying to take a head count. You gotta go.”

I’m standing – barely. “Okay, okay, okay. I’m going.” I pull my mask on, the Ninja suit wrapping around me instantly. After shaking myself awake a little more, I leap straight up, open a vent cover, and slip away.

On top of a McFirst Invisi-Goo billboard, I see my target. A mechanical bull is rampaging through Main Street. It stands a story high with razor sharp horns increasing its height. Every time it head-butts a building, it throws its horns back, tossing debris everywhere.

I blink slowly. This isn’t a terribly original idea. McFist must be getting desperate…or lazy.

I stand from my post. “Welp, this ain’t my first rodeo. Darn tootin’ ain’t gonna be my last, neither,” I say to myself. Then I laugh. Someone’s gotta give me credit for my jokes.

There’s an overturned car in the middle of the street and I choose it as my next perch. The bull is currently uprooting a bank, sending bricks and loose paperwork flying.

“Heeeeeey! Looking for me?” I shout.

The bull whips its head toward me and puffs out a burst of fire from its nostrils. It moos aggressively into the sky before charging towards me. Once the robotic moo-nstrosity lowers its head, I spring into the air, sending the Ninja scarf below me. It wraps around the car and I Ninja Flip, taking the car with me.

“Ninja Uninsured Car Collision!”

The scarf lets go, catapulting the car into the bull’s head. BZZZZZZZT! CRRSSHH!

“What the juice?” I spit out before Ninja Tucking-and-Rolling away. The car just got zapped into ashes! Like it was a bug in a bug zapper! This thing has fire and electricity! It’s probably immune to both if it can do both.

I go for my sword before realizing I might electrocute myself if I go for the head…which was my first thought. Then I have a second thought which is totally a good plan and you cannot tell me otherwise.

I jump back into the street. I slip my hand under my mask and do that fingers-in-your-mouth whistle. Took me three years to figure out, so I’m glad I finally have a use for it.

The bull huffs out more fire, electricity crackling between its horns.

“Wanna see something cool?” I turn around and bend over until I can see between my legs. I slap my butt a few times. I’m performing comedy gold and this robot, unfortunately, has no sense of humor. Where’s a Robo-Ape when you need one?

A mindboggling moo fills the air, shattering every unbroken window in the vicinity. It stampedes towards me but has yet to lower its head. It needs to stay that way until I have it where I want it. “Follow me!”

I take leaps and bounds across the city, always in the bull’s line of sight. I pause on occasion to let it catch up but never long enough for it to prepare its attack.

I’m nearing my target: Lake LaRusso. I could potentially be endangering the school by doing this but this is also already happening. I couldn’t stop it if I tried.

“Ninja Cold Ball! Ninja Cold Ball! Ninja Cold Ball!” I slide along the ice path to the edge of the water. I manage to stop myself before falling completely into the water. Ankle deep in it, I face my enemy. It’s still coming but ehhhh, not nearly fast enough.

I grab my red scarf and give it a good flap in front of me. “Toro, toro!” I do a little spin for pizzazz. “Toro!”

The eyes of the beast light up red and it goes into hyper drive. When it reaches the ice, however, it tries to put on the brakes. The ice carries it towards me, exactly as planned. With another spin for effect, I leap away to a safe distance. “Olé!”

It crashes into the water, crackling with electricity as smoke pours off it. It takes a moment, but it slowly starts to sink. A little ways down, the massive shark creature that’s been living in the lake since last year, makes an entrance and chomps into the metal carcass.

Yes. This is a real thing that lives in our lake. That’s Norrisville for ya.

I plop down in the sand and take a breather. There’s no one around to smoke bomb away for, so why bother? I might as well stare at this thing to make sure it doesn’t come back to life somehow.

A muffled cheering sounds from inside the school. I smile.

I might not know what’s going on anymore, but I feel loved. Sometimes, that’s all you really need.

Someone shakes my shoulder. “Ninja.” I open my eyes to the beginning of a sunset over Lake LaRusso. A few boats are on the water, trying to manage the robot debris. “You’ve been sitting here for hours. Are you going home today or what?”

“Huh?” I look back to see Howard. He looks more concerned for me than usual. I rub my eyes before standing. A green blanket falls from my shoulders. “Where’d that come from?”

“The clean-up crew out there, I think,” Howard says. “No one wanted to wake you up.”

My neck aches and rubbing it doesn’t help. “Man, wish someone had.”

“C’mon. Desuit and let’s scoot.”

After I become myself again (in a bush), Howard and I hop on our bikes. We end up having to take an alternate route due to the damages caused by the robo-bull. Howard tries to pin part of the blame on me but I didn’t make the bull. I didn’t send the bull out on the town.

I’m mid discussion in this baloney when we pass a skate park. There are a lot of cuties at the skate park. Girls kicking butt on the ramps and guys pretending like they’re skating experts. Love it. This is great.

“That’s a good way to catch flies, Cunningham.”

My face heats up and I close my mouth. Why don’t I have more awareness of my body?

Howard comes to a halt behind me and I follow his lead. “Wait, wait. You deserve this,” he says, pointing vaguely into the skate park.

“To break my arm in one of those ramp divot things?” I ask flatly.

“No, no, no – well, maybe.” Howard shakes his head. “You deserve an opportunity to swoon over some of these dorks. Let’s go pick a spot and have a little snack break.”

I’m not against this idea, per say. “And I deserve this because?”

“Because you’ve been dead tired today. Because you defeated a robot. Because you seem to be carrying a lot more on your shoulders than usual.” Howard eyes the chain-link fence separating us from cement ramps and a very decent number of cuties. His tilts his head, his eyes back on me. “Unless you don’t wanna. Then, you know, you can be alone with me forever.”

I blink. “You realize I’m exhausted and completely fine with that as a possibility?”

“Ugh, come on.” Howard takes the lead into the park. He decides we’ll exist at one of those weird wire picnic tables – the ones covered in that rubbery material. We sit on the same side of the table and chow down on a bag of chips together.

No one bothers with us, so we make good conversation with our people watching. Howard points out three girls who are way out of his league. I point to one who’s definitely in my league but she’s here with her girlfriend, it seems. Howard points at some guy he thinks I’d like but he’s the straightest dude-bro I’ve ever seen.

“What ever happened with you and Theresa Fowler?” Howard asks. He’s taken the chip bag and is in the process of claiming the flavoring dust stuck inside.

I groan a little. “She blocked me every way possible and we haven’t spoken since last summer when she moved.”

“Why? She genuinely liked you, and you liked her!”

“I know. Theresa asked me if I was reading Debbie Kang’s summer blog. I told her I wasn’t because I kinda have a grudge about her trying to reveal the Ninja’s identity and for singling me out as the Ninja.” I cross my arms. I’ve never known how to feel about that conversation. There’s a possibility I’m being petty but I also feel pretty justified in my feelings. “Theresa said I was being too much a fanboy and needed to relax a little. I said Debbie Kang was a journalist with no moral compass and she’s just driven by getting ‘good scoops,’ no matter who she hurts in the process.”

“Whoa…”

“I was being honest, but apparently Theresa and Debbie Kang are cousins and they’re really close. So, yeah.”

“Aw, dude.”

I lean on the table and shrug. “Maybe it’s for the best? I can’t imagine seeing Debbie Kang of all people at family events for the rest of my life.”

“Mmmm, sounds you dodged a bullet,” Howard agrees. He crumbles up the empty chip bag and stuffs it in his – no, that’s my satchel. There’s a garbage can like a foot behind us. Why is he like this?

I don’t do anything about it, though. I let the Chaos Pearls get stolen, so this is fine…arguably.

A guy rolls by us, lazily but confidently standing on a skateboard. We make eye contact, his green eyes meeting my blue ones. He smiles at me and I smile back. Then he winks at me.

My face flushes.

“Ooo, Cunningham, that guy just winked at me! I’ll send him in your direction.” Howard starts to get up but I pull him back down.

“He winked at me, doofus.”

“I think I know when a 10 winks at another 10,” he sasses. “You’re like a 6.” Howard’s self-confidence is astounding but how dare he. We’re both 8s – we’ve been over this.

Regardless, I punch his shoulder. He punches me back. I punch him back. He punches me again… I know why Flute Girl calls us idiots.

We finish being idiots after Howard almost pushes me off the bench. We got too giggly and wouldn’t stop upping the umph of our punches. I rub my shoulder, a bit sore now for obvious reasons. “Look, I don’t even know if I should be pursuing a relationship when I’m the Ninja. It might add more…pitfalls or something.” I rub my eyes. I can’t do this right now. “Let’s go. I think my dad’s making meatloaf tonight.”

We get up and wrangle our bikes up, hooking on our helmets. “Your dad’s meatloaf is to die for. Think I can stick around for dinner?”

I chuckle. “Maybe.”

We’re almost out of the skate part gate when the skateboard guy rolls up. “Hey, going so soon?” His voice is warm and kinda deep, and it catches me by surprise.

He flips his dirty blond hair, letting it settle messily at his jawline afterwards. He’s dressed comfortably – a zipped up brown hoodie and navy blue jeans with holes in the knees.

He’s also not wearing a helmet.

“Oh, uh, yeah. We’re not really skater types,” I say, wide awake now.

The guy cocks his head like a puppy. “But you’re my type.”

I try to say literally anything back but every sound that falls out of my mouth is a confused, flustered mess. I feel Howard nudge my side but that doesn’t help.

“Here,” the guy says, taking my hand. Fireworks go off in my mind as he digs out a pen from his pocket. By the time I realize I’ve been staring at his face for too long, he finishes writing a phone number in my palm. “Call me sometime.” He winks again before skating away.

Howard grabs my shoulders and starts shaking me hard. “Duuuude! That’s so BRUCE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED?”

I do not.

Chapter Text

I can’t contain myself through dinner. I’m smiling through every bite and chew of food. I’m even humming a little.

Howard’s seated next to me, going out of his way to get parental brownie points. He’s got one of our fancy cloth napkins in his lap and he keeps wiping his mouth with another. He’s maintaining an inside voice and keeping his elbows off the table. We’re not strict about table manners in our house, but Howard isn’t taking risks of being denied this meatloaf in the future.

“You know, Mr. Cunningham, you really know how to loaf a meat. Exquisite, truly,” he says, a smidge away from his fake sophisticated voice.

Dad hums passively.

“You must share the recipe with me! I simply cannot survive this life without your meatloaf!”

“Get an ‘A’ on your next book report and I’ll consider it.” Dad wipes his mouth and mustache with a napkin. He side-eyes Howard, adding, “That doesn’t mean get Randy to do it. Got that?”

“Like a contagious disease, sir!”

Mom rolls her eyes playfully. Then she notices me. “What’s got you so happy, mister? Did you get to see the Ninja kick butt again today?”

My eyes light up. I hope my parents are as excited about this as I am. “I did! He’s so bruce, but that’s not it. A guy gave me his number today – totally unprompted! He said I was his type! Heh, imagine that: I’m someone’s type.” I dreamily eat my last piece of broccoli.

“The guy winked at me first,” Howard teases under his breath.

I hold the dreamy expression on my face and stomp on Howard’s foot. He stomps back, but before I can finish the battle, Mom puts a hand on my shoulder. “Honey, that’s great! What’s his name?”

“It’s, uh…” I look at my palm. The ink is smudged and faded. All I can make out is a 4 and a 9 in the phone number. He clearly wrote his name, too, but that’s illegible now. “It’s a secret even to me, apparently,” I groan, squeezing my eyes shut. This is what I get for having good hygiene.

Dad, a glass of wine in hand, leans on the table and shrugs. “Maybe that’s for the best,” he offers.

“Hun,” Mom warns.

Dad shakes his head. “No, I’ve got a point here. You know you have to be careful now, right? You’ve got one of the widest playing fields out there, but you never know who’s who. For all you know, this kid was planning to mug you and leave you for dead in an alley.” He takes a sip of his drink. His eyes dart to Mom. “What?”

“Dad, I don’t think he was gonna hate crime me.”

“You never know.”

“I don’t look bisexual – which isn’t a thing. I’m not decked out in pride colors; the only pride thing I own is my flag.” Dad means well but I’m starting to get frustrated. “Just let me have this.”

“You cried for a week after Theresa stopped talking to you. I don’t wanna see you get hurt. Be careful.” He takes another sip of his drink. Then, more to himself than to me, he says, “You’d be better off dating the Ninja, honestly.”

“Cool. Great. Thanks.” I mutter. I do a big sigh and throw on a smile. It’s a tired smile but I hope it doesn’t come off as something else. “Can Howard and I be excused? We have some homework left to do.”

In my room, I faceplant into a beanbag chair, Howard close behind. “We’ll get the guy’s number again. No biggie.”

“I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t. He was just…some guy.”

I feel Howard flop onto the other beanbag chair. His shoes thunk onto the floor. “You know what? I’ve got a little idea. Something you might like. Maybe.”

I tip my head up enough for him to see my eyes. My eyebrows encourage him to go on.

“My cousin is pretty big in some LGBT groups on Disunity. They probably know loads of single dorks who might be interested in you.”

My eyes disappear back into the chair.

“C’mon! We’ll either make you the most appealing bachelor in Norrisville or we’ll set up a teen speed dating thingy,” Howard encourages. “This isn’t the end of your love life, shoob.”

My voice muffled, I try to shoot him down from this; “I’ve got school and Ninja stuff. There isn’t really time for that.”

“It’s called ‘speed dating’ for a reason, Cunningham. Besides, we make a lot of time for our nonsense outside of everything else. There’s no way there’s ‘no time’ for this.”

I think for a moment before peeking back out of hiding. “Which cousin is this?”

“You remember when my cousin Terrence pushed you out of that tree in the park?”

“And I dislocated my shoulder? Yeah.”

“They go by Archer now.”

I push myself up. “No way! That’s so bruce!”

Chapter Text

It’s been a couple of weeks now. McFist bots have completely disappeared, and no one’s been stanked since Flute Girl. I honestly don’t know what’s going on.

I’ve been going on night patrol three times a week recently. I’ve only been fighting petty criminals, which isn’t supposed to be on the Ninja’s agenda. I’m a force of good but I need to focus on fighting forces of evil. Petty criminals are just shoobs making bad life decisions.

There’s no trace of the Chaos Pearls. I have to consult the Nomicon. Maybe now that I’ve seen the prologue, it’ll let me see the next chapter.

I push open my bedroom window and crawl inside. I close the screen and the window, and lock it. I desuit, a flash of red retracting the Ninja suit in a collection of its usual black ribbons. It’s 2am on a Friday night – or, I guess it’s Saturday now.

I make a quick trip to the bathroom. I get a 2am shower – which is an experience everyone should have. Very weird. No one’s awake. It’s just you, some soap, and running water. It’s almost serene, actually.

Afterwards, I climb into bed, the NinjaNomicon in the crook of my arm. “Okay, you better tell me something useful.” I flop onto my pillow and snuggle up under my blankets. “And make it snappy. The Ninja needs his beauty sleep.”

I open the book and – “Ahruuh.”

The Nomicon drops me in a tree. I don’t exactly have time to catch myself. A couple of branches catch me instead, one on either side of me, supporting my arms and legs. It only hurt a little.

A blue flame ignites in front of my face. It’s small, no bigger than a pinecone. I try to sit up a little and extend a finger towards it. It moves delicately away before becoming…playful. The flame zips around my head before snaking away through the leaves. “Hey, wait!” With only some minor struggling, I leap down from the tree and pursue the flame.

It comes across a rock and circles it a couple of times before zipping into some tall grass. I’m hot on its trail when it pauses in front of a huge, old tree. I try to trap it in my hands, but it flickers and laughs. It’s a muffled child’s laugh and despite being inches away from me, it sounds distant. I back off immediately.

“What’s your deal, little guy?” I ask softly.

The flame flickers and laughs again. Then it slowly floats into the tree’s bark. The trunk illuminates from within like a lampshade.

I approach the tree, a cautious hand outstretched. My hand phases through the bark, a blue energy outlining it. Once I enter the tree completely, I’m overcome by an almost overwhelming calmness, and the air is cold and damp.

Before me is a wooden corridor, the walls a horizontal wood grain, that curves to the left. The ceiling is covered in jagged white crystals, and together, they give off enough of a glow to lead the way. As I follow the path, I notice it’s on a bit of a decline.

Eventually, it leads to a red archway. I’ve seen it before; it’s a torri – a Japanese archway traditionally used to mark the entrance of a sacred place. They’re sprinkled throughout the Nomicon, and I’ve seen them in pictures in front of temples and shrines.

An old board hangs from the bottom beam, kanji scrawled across it in black paint. English writing comes to life overtop of it. It reads: Realm of Light.

This must be the opposite of the Realm of Shadows. I wonder what that means in the grand scheme of things.

The blue flame flickers and laughs in front of me again. It gently floats into a transparent blue wall in the entrance of the torri. Through it, the flame curls into itself, solidifying into a small orb – a pearl, maybe. From there, it floats off into a much larger area.

I cautiously walk through the torri, fearing I might become an orb myself. When I remain a human person, I take in my surroundings.

I’m floating in pastel blue atmosphere full of these orbs. There are no rock formations, islands, or caves like there are in the Realm of Shadows. When I look down, however, I spot a river. Through some very awkward arm movements, I manage to get next to it. There’s an extra pale blue – almost white – grassy area on either side of it. I grip the grass so I can’t float away.

“Okay, Nomicon, what am I looking at?” I ask the air.

In response, a scroll shoots out of the water and unravels. “Behind everyone’s eyes is a light; their memory, their personality, and their morality. The origin of this light is stored here in the Droplets of Humanity. Each Droplet is capable of unimaginable good, but utilizing this power incorrectly can have dire consequences.”

A Droplet falls in front of me, the blue depleted to a depressing grey. It plops into the river and disappears.

“Sooo, are these like…people’s lives? If one goes grey, is that person…dead?” I ask the scroll. A second page rolls overtop the first one.

“The world is full of light, but in times of war and famine, the world can fall into darkness,” it reads.

“I mean…the Ninja isn’t exactly responsible for war and famine, but okay. I’m not gonna make a rice paddy field to restore humanity. Doesn’t really seem like my job.” The scroll drops back into the water, soaking me in the weird too-blue water. “Don’t like the attitude, but thank you.”

A Droplet rockets down from above, zipping behind me instantly. It slams into my back and pushes me into the water.

I sit up in bed, gasping, Nomicon falling off my face. I peer down at my clock. It’s thankfully only been twenty minutes. I still have time to sleep so I can either enjoy my Saturday or get into some kind of Ninja business.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this new information, though. There’s a Realm of Light – neat – but is there some kind of evil I should be worried about with it? Is there like, an Anti-Sorcerer who’s trying to do good with the Droplets and is ruining the world’s outlook on life? What’s the opposite of a Sorcerer? An accountant?

If I hadn’t sassed the Nomicon, maybe it would’ve told me. But also, maybe not. That book likes to make me figure out its cryptic-ness on my own.

Chapter Text

Saturday comes quicker than I’d like. At 10am, I wake up to Howard settled in a beanbag chair playing my GameStation. He’s got the volume low, which is cool of him, but this is still weird.

“Howard? How’d you get in here?” I slur, still heavy with sleep.

He tips his head back briefly, maintaining his focus on the game. “Heeey, Cunningham! Caught your mom leaving for work and she let me in.”

I sit up and rub my face. “So…you’ve been here for two hours?”

“Yep. I told her you texted me you were up and I’ve just been chillin’ ever since.”

“Since when do you get up at 8 on a weekend?”

Howard shrugs. “Just kinda woke up.” He pauses the game and stands, stretching his arms to the sky and groaning. He sighs once he’s done and turns to me. “Get dressed. We’ve got places to be,” he says confidently.

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“We really have places to be?”

“That’s what I said.”

I hum a long note. “You…and me?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Places?”

“To. Be,” Howard emphasizes.

I tap my chin thoughtfully. I’m winning. “‘We’ as in us?”

“YES.”

“‘We’ as in ‘us,’ and ‘us’ as in you and me?”

“YOU’RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!” Howard finally shouts. He grabs the empty tissue box from the floor and wings it at me. I skillfully slap it away, resisting calling the action out like it’s a Ninja Move. “GET OUT OF BED!”

The sky is grey and it’s a bit chillier than usual. Fall is upon us and I couldn’t be happier about it. Colder weather is great for Ninja-ing. Summer kills me every time. It’s hard enough being a civilian out in 90-degree weather; being in all black with the sun pounding down on you is a death sentence.

Remember when I said about having to wash the Ninja suit in the shower while wearing it? That’s such a frequent chore in the summer – I don’t even want to talk about it.

Howard and I slow our bikes as we approach Greg’s Game Hole. Our favorite arcade-slash-game store has a rainbow banner pinned above the entrance. I can’t see what it says from this angle. There’s also someone right at the door with a clipboard.

“Wait.” I come to a full stop. “What’s going on?”

“Speed dating, Cunningham.” Howard stops and dismounts his bike. He turns to me with a victorious expression on his face. “Queer speed dating.”

Fear falls on me like a boulder. I start backing up, fully ready to hightail it back home. I’m not ready for this. Howard knows I’m not ready for this. We talked about this.

He holds my handlebars and firmly pulls me onto the sidewalk. “Ah bup bup bup! I don’t think so! This is being held in your honor. You have to get in there,” he says even firmer.

All the blood has drained from my face. “No. Are you kidding me?” I lower my voice to a heated whisper. “Someone from school might be in there! Then they’ll tell someone and that someone will tell someone else and then the whole school will know!”

“No one from school is gonna be there. No one from our district is in this LGBT Disunity server.”

I’m sweating suddenly. My hands are shaking. My heart is so loud in my ears. It’s beating so hard. I can’t breathe well enough to make it stop.

“Cheese, are you okay?” Howard lets go of me and backs off.

I have to get my helmet off. It’s not the problem but it’s not helping. I feel small. I feel trapped. I’m drowning but I’m miles away from any water.

The next thing I know, I’m sitting in the alley next to the Game Hole. My back is against the bricks and there’s a bottle of water in my still-shaking hand. I blink slowly, trying to control my breathing.

While focusing on the water in my hand, I notice I’m not wearing my hoodie anymore. I look up, Howard across from me. There’s a dark green bundle of fabric in his lap – my hoodie.

“How ya feeling, bud?” he asks softly. His eyebrows are upturned in worry, his eyes studying me closely.

“I-I don’t know. What happened?”

“Panic attack, I think,” Howard replies glumly. “I never did see you have the first one.”

I blink more. I do it harder this time. I can feel tears in my eyes and they itch. “Why…why did I…?” My sentence fizzles off. The reason is fuzzy to me.

Howard scratches his head, avoiding eye contact. “I convinced my cousin to put together this private queer speed dating event, and I brought you to it. I should’ve told you. I thought you’d appreciate it.” He takes a breath. “I really underestimated how freaked out about this you were. I’m sorry.”

I gulp down some water. I want to close it afterwards but I don’t seem to have a cap for it. Shaking my head, I try to fix this somehow. “N-no, listen, this was really sweet of you. I’m just…not good with this. I was excited about the skate park guy, yeah, but that felt so…isolated.”

We’re both quiet until I speak again. “This just feels like so much at once. We didn’t talk to anyone when we went to the bake sale. We were guests – observers. This is a lot more involved.” I sniffle and sip my water. It’s almost gone but that’s okay. I’m starting to feel more grounded. “Three people know about me. When we step in there, three becomes four and four becomes five and…”

“We don’t have to go in there. You should really go home and take a nap. Panic attacks are supposed to be really draining, yeah?”

“Yeah, but,” I shake my head, “Archer went out of their way to do this. You went out of your way to get me here. Bailing now would be a huge cop out. It wouldn’t be fair to you guys.”

Howard shakes his head. “No, there has to be some Nomicon nonsense that says ‘know your limits.’ You know, something that isn’t as nonsensical as usual.” He digs the black and red book out of my hoodie. It’s glowing a bit. “You talk some sense into him. Idiot just had a panic attack and wants to go inside anyway.”

“Hey!” Before I can say how asinine it is Howard’s trying to side with the Nomicon – which is a rarity – he opens the Nomicon and shoves it in my face. “Ahruuh.”

Instead of dropping into or on something, the Nomicon deposits me gently through a river. I float to the top like…a dead fish? Like cooked ramen? Like the oil in salad dressing that’s been sitting around for too long? I don’t have a good simile for this.

I’m in the NinjaNomicon’s depiction of the Realm of Light again. Above me is a vast number of Droplets that stretches endlessly. They float gently like jellyfish but they never collide with one another.

I float out of and above the river. Once I realize it, I flip myself vertically. Looking around, I’m not sure what the message is here. There are no Ninja memories or doodles depicting any scenes, and there’s no wall of text slapping me in the face.

It’s just me.

“If you’re telling me nothing because I didn’t mean to get shloomped, it’d be real bruce if you kicked me back out,” I say to the book.

Nothing.

“Hello? Randy speaking. Ninja 199 here.”

Without a response, I let my hands fall in a “what’s the point of this” gesture. Once I do, a collection of scrolls drop into my arms. I unravel the top one: “To control your fear, you must embrace your fear.”

I toss it. Been there, done that. I’m still afraid of chickens, anyway, so I don’t know how much good that lesson does me.

“He who crosses the line must be prepared for the fall that follows.”

I toss that one. That’s ominous and unhelpful.

“The easy road often makes for a hard journey.”

Toss. Irrelevant.

“A ninja’s choices must be chosen of his own choosing.”

Getting closer, I guess. Toss.

“A Ninja without balance will fall.”

Aaand it lost me. Toss.

“You know, Nomicon, I’m beginning to think you don’t actually have any Ninja Wisdom for this situation. 800-year-old book hears about a queer holder once and throws a bunch of reused lessons at me like that means something.” A Droplet smacks me in the forehead suddenly. “Ow! Hey! It’s not my fault you’re not being helpful.”

A scroll bops me on the back of the head next. I flinch and spin around. “Are you trying to give me a concussion?” As I rub the back of my head, a series of doodled puzzle pieces form over the scrolls. They connect and disconnect several times. “Okaaaay…this means something.”

I give it a few minutes. “I give up. What are you trying to tell me?”

The river, a few yards beneath me, splooshes in a way that somehow sounds exasperated. Its water shoots up and encases me. I only have a second to process it before I’m pulled back into the river.

I gasp, back in the alley with Howard.

“It said go home, right?” he asks.

I blink a few times and give myself a second to be present. “Nope,” I answer plainly.

“What? What’d it say then?”

“No idea.” I close the book, letting it rest in my lap. I’m feeling a lot better now. Maybe I can do this. This isn’t a surprise anymore, and I’ve had time to calm down and collect my thoughts.

Howard sighs. “Let’s just get you home then. It’s easier that way.” He gets up, slinging my hoodie over his shoulder. Doodle words appear in my vision over his bike as he reaches for it: “The easy road often makes for a hard journey.”

I jump up. “No!” I exclaim, causing us both to jump. Changing my tone, I say, “I mean, no. This might be hard but I shouldn’t just take the easy way out. You said this is safe as far as no one from school knowing, right?” Maybe the Nomicon was onto something.

“Uh, yeah,” Howard says. “Plus, it’s an entirely private event. You can’t get in without being on the clipboard.”

A booming voice comes from around the corner. “Whaddaya mean I can’t get in?” It’s Bash. I guess that meathead didn’t get the memo nor can he read a sign. “It’s Saturday! The Game Hole’s always open on Saturday!”

The bouncer sighs. “Private. Event,” he says slowly and loudly.

“There ain’t nothin’ private about the Game Hole! It’s the Game Hole!”

“PRIVATE. EVENT,” the bouncer says louder.

“GAME. HOLE,” Bash insists. I still don’t understand how he has this weird Boston accent while his mom has a Midwestern one.

“How old are you, kid?”

“Just turned 18. Why? This some kinda adult thing?”

Oh my cheese! That dude’s gonna nail Bash! While I think Bash kinda deserves to have some sense knocked into him, as the Ninja, I can’t let that happen. I stand and don the mask, smoothly transitioning from Randy to Ninja.

“Smoke bomb!” I appear on the sidewalk in front of Bash and the bouncer. The bouncer’s fist is tight at his side, and Bash is standing in front of his usual group of friends. “Let’s settle down here, fellas,” I say calmly, borderline sarcastic. “This is a place for pride, not wrath.”

I’m surprised when Howard doesn’t boo me. That must’ve really been a top tier pun!

“This guy ain’t letting us in a public place, Ninja!” Bash informs me.

“You’re disturbing a private event. Take your friends and leave.”

Bash scowls at me. “Maybe I’m invited to the thing!”

I flatly put my hands together and tip my fingers forward. “Do you know what event this is?”

“Well, sure! It’s, uh…” Bash looks up at the rainbow banner. He only reads the biggest letters at the top. “‘Luh-Guh-Buh-Tee Plus Speed Dating.’ I don’t know what that is.” His friends whisper behind him. I don’t think they know either.

I turn to the bouncer. I’ve got an arm behind my back like a fancy butler. “Good sir, would a ‘Bashton Johnson’ be on the list there?”

He lifts his clipboard and skims through the pages. He smiles and shakes his head.

“That solves that! Why don’t you crazy kids go play some laser tag?” I’m smiling with my eyes as much as I can. If they could see my mouth beneath my mask, they’d know exactly how condescending I’m being. I’m trying to stay on my best ninja behavior here, though.

Bash looks at his friends like I just took away his birthday. “You’ve changed, Ninja,” he says spitefully as they all head towards Lazer-A-Rena.

“The Ninja is a friend to all…except ye who is a jerk to others.” I wave to their backs as they go. “Buh-bye, now!”

I hear clapping to my right. A bunch of the speed dating people are mingling by the front windows. I smile genuinely and take a bow, being sure to throw my scarf behind me for effect. “Smoke bomb!”

Chapter Text

We approach the Game Hole doors again. I’m breathing deeply, I’m centered. I’m okay.

Several of the Nomicon’s lessons appear in my vision. “To control your fear, you must embrace your fear” floats overtop the rainbow banner in solid black writing.

“A ninja’s choices must be chosen of his own choosing” covers my reflection in the glass door. I smile and step inside. There are more people in here than I expected. I wonder how big this Disunity server is.

There are guys, girls, and nonbinary teens sprinkled throughout the Game Hole main lobby. Some are tentatively playing games either independently or in groups. Others are casually chatting here and there.

Fear is building up in me again, but I take a breath. I’m probably not the only one who’s nervous here.

As my eyes travel from person to person, more doodle words catch my attention. They’re above the game cabinets, covering the leaderboards. “He who crosses the line must be prepared for the fall that follows.” I still don’t like that one. It isn’t terribly encouraging.

“Hey! There’s my favorite cousin!” Archer says, coming out of nowhere. They’re wearing a red flannel shirt, sleeves pushed up to the elbows, and a black vest. When they get close enough, I notice there’s little sparkly bits in their black skirt. “And there’s out guest of honor! You feeling better, bud?” they ask tentatively, still maintaining their enthusiasm.

“Much better.” I rub my arm and avoid eye contact. “I’m still kinda nervous, though.”

Howard slaps me hard on the back and I swear my eyes almost pop out of my head. I shoot him a look but he doesn’t even notice. “Cunningham’s a regular Casanova – a Romeo even! Without the whole dying part, of course,” he says.

“Tch, alright.” Archer rakes back their hair, which is orange just like Howard’s. They shove a hand in the pocket of their skirt. Wait, since when do skirts have pockets?

“I’m glad to hear you’re still up for this. The speed dating starts in about 8 minutes.” From their magical skirt pocket, Archer offers me and Howard name tags and markers. “Mark down your name, age, labels, and pronouns and then you can start mingling. Remember to have fun and respect people’s boundaries.” A shadow falls over their dark brown eyes, and they warn, “If you disrespect someone’s boundaries, I’ll disrespect your face…with my fist.” They point at me and then Howard before returning to a smiley disposition and wandering away.

I am a little spooked but it’s pretty bruce that Archer would go to such lengths to protect anyone here. I’m not terribly surprised given the Shoulder Dislocation of ’07, though. Archer can be a very ruthless individual.

Chapter Text

The metal floors of McFist Industries clunk loudly beneath Hannibal McFist’s black dress shoes. The metal walls cower as he grumbles. The two grey and green Robo-Apes behind him carry boxes of paperwork obediently, keeping any off-program or off-task chatter to an absolute zero.

“Stupid stepson breaking the stupid garbage disposal…”

The Robo-Apes exchange a glance but say nothing. It’s best to let their boss blow off steam without interfering.

“Stupid Ninja appearing in my dreams telling me I’m a nuisance…”

The grey-almost-black corridor ends at a pair of sliding doors. Next to them is a card reader and a retina scanner. After sliding his ID card, McFist looks into the scanner and shoves his robotic arm towards it, letting the red laser scan his arm-brain’s eyes, too. It denies the scan twice before accepting it. The McFlexiglass dome housing the brain on McFist’s hand made the laser reflect weirdly but the scan was accepted eventually.

Only a step inside the lab, McFist shouts, “VICEROY!”

Viceroy jumps among a group of other scientists. They’re in front of a window at a control panel. The rest of the room is filled with various machines, tables of paperwork and chemicals, and the occasional whiteboard covered in scientific scrawling.

“What is it, sir?” Viceroy answers, his tone somewhat dry.

“It’s almost been a month! Where’s the working prototype?” his boss booms.

The scientists around Viceroy take small side steps away from the duo. The head scientist doesn’t budge; he’s the only one who ever directly deals with McFist on a daily basis. “Considering this is a living organism, I wouldn’t say it’s ‘working,’ per say.”

“I don’t want your semantics. I want results,” McFist deadpans.

“Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.” Viceroy pulls out a McFist Pad from his lab coat and types something out.

“You have no idea. I’ve dreamt about the Ninja every night this week. It pains me not trying to destroy him for so long.” McFist clenches his robo hand. “And Bash texted me like thirty minutes ago: the Ninja wouldn’t let him into the Game Hole because blah blah blah. Not exactly a reason to send out a robot but IT’S EXACTLY A REASON!” Spit flies from his mouth, sprinkling on the control panel before them.

“Well, the prototype seems stable. The biometric readings have been steady and it’s still alive.” Viceroy chuckles. “If it weren’t for that rat, none of this would be possible.”

“Yes, what genius it was to mix science and magic!” McFist booms. He rubs his hands together, snickering to himself.

Viceroy blinks. “It was my genius, sir.”

“Exactly what I said! My genius!”

The scientist rolls his eyes before finishing up the report on the McFist Pad. “Would you like to send it out on a test run?”

Behind the glass stands a grey mass covered in sharp quill-like fur. A sickly green tail snakes behind it, neon green spikes lining its top. Opposite of the tail is huge head with beady black eyes and prominent, sharp teeth lining the mouth. Every time it breaths, green stank pours from its always-open jaw.

“Absolutely. And I know just where to send it.”

Chapter Text

This whole speed dating thing isn’t as scary as I thought it’d be. I’ve been meeting some really nice people here. Everyone I meet is miles out my league but it’s so bruce.

The only issue is when I run into a lesbian – which isn’t really an issue. We’re clearly not compatible, but they’re always nice to talk to! Sometimes we discuss what we like about girls, sometimes we discuss some kind of mutual interest.

Howard’s kinda flirting with everyone and it’s hilarious. He’s never too serious about it and no one takes him seriously. He’s almost like a buffer between dates. It’s big fun when we meet at the same table.

“Howie, baby,” I start, “what brings you here?”

Howard sighs dreamily. “Oh, you know, looking for someone to love.”

“Oh ho ho! Love you say?”

“Love indeed, dearest Randall!” Howard winks at me.

I wink back. “You know, when an 8 meets an 8, that makes a perfect 16.”

“The most perfect number in all of math!” Howard winks again.

I return the wink.

Then he winks.

And I wink.

Then he winks.

“You boys having a shared stroke or something?” Archer prods from behind me. They’ve been timing the dates and sounding the bell to move things along. They’re also making sure no one’s uncomfortable. “Or do you need a room?”

Howard and I freeze before silently agreeing on something. I turn to Archer and wink. Then Howard winks and I wink. And then –

“You dorks would be a perfect couple if Howard wasn’t straight.”

My best friend fake gags. “I wouldn’t date Cunningham if I was queer. He’s gross.”

I spin towards him, clutching my shirt. “But we make a perfect 16!”

With a stuck up nose, Howard remarks, “Math is for shoobs.”

Throwing my hand against my forehead, I fall back in my chair, dramatically uttering, “Nooooo!”

Archer sighs and walks away. Their loss. We’re hilarious!

Screaming sounds off from somewhere in the street. Everyone stops, half of the teens sprinting to the back of the store for the emergency exit and the other half sprinting to peer out the front windows. Howard and I bolt for the front, fighting the crowd to see what all the hubbub is all about.

There’s a massive hairy beast stomping through the street, upturning cars and shattering windows. It looks either like a mutant opossum or a mutant rat.

Archer shouts from the back, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! EVACUATE!” The rest of the teens follow their command and we have to, too. Once we’re outside, everyone scatters and I dip behind a dumpster to become the Ninja.

“Smoke bomb!”

I’m in the middle of the street, but the beast isn’t paying me much mind. It roars at a fire hydrant and bites into it, crushing it and pulling it clean from the sidewalk. Water bursts from the ground, becoming a low budget fountain.

“Okay, big fella, maybe cut down on the property damage?”

The beast turns at my question, spitting out the hydrant along with…green stank? Is this a stanked animal? How do I destank an animal? It’s empty-handed and – for a lack of a better word – naked.

I pull out my sword. I’m really not sure how to approach this.

The beast roars and storms towards me, stank pouring from its jaw. I run towards it and take a leap, aiming for its back.

CRUNCH!

My sword crinkles up like a straw paper. I throw another smoke bomb and appear atop a lamp post. I stare at the crumbled blade before tossing it over my shoulder.

I produce a chain sickle and a couple of Electro Balls. “Gotta calm you down somehow.” I flip into the air and hurl the balls at the beast’s back. They’re immediately pierced by the fur spikes and explode with electricity. I land on an awning in time to see the beast shriek in pain. I take the opportunity to wing the sickle around its hind leg. With one hard pull, it’s on the ground.

I hop back into the air. “Ninja Deepfreeze!” Four Ninja Cold Balls encase the beast perfectly. It’s like in cartoons when the characters find a frozen and perfectly preserved caveman. Landing atop the ice chunk (and definitely not almost falling), I take a moment to inspect this thing. It just looks like a living creature – albeit, it’s clearly not just an animal.

Where did this come from? Can I help it or do I have to kill it?

The ice cracks, stank leaking out. “H’oh boy.” I’m on the ground again, two new chain sickles at the ready. I let the blades droop a little, spinning them preemptively.

I don’t have any rulebook for whatever’s happening here. There’s no time to consult the Nomicon, so I just have to handle this. I’m gonna treat this like a robot. I have no choice.

The ice breaks completely, scattering across the asphalt. The beast is on its clawed feet again. It roars, slobber and liquid stank landing in my vicinity. “Schnasty…”

I let the beast advance on me before I attack. I throw the sickles, the chains wrapping securely around its snoot, clamping the mouth shut. “Ninja Muzzle!”

It shakes its head a couple of times before I can jump over it. I land near the end of the tail, the beast’s shadow looming over me as I’m forcing it to stand on its hind legs. With one good yank, it falls backwards. “Ninja Tiiimbeeer!” On its back, it thrashes and tries to free itself from the sickle chains, pawing and clawing at them.

I smoke bomb onto its stomach, a new sword in hand. I can instantly tell its skin is thicker than whatever would be normal for whatever creature it used to be. Red energy temporarily overtakes the blackness of my suit and ignites my blade. “Ninja Tengu Fire Stab!”

Once the fiery weapon pierces the beast’s skin, it thrashes harder. “Sorry! Sorry! I don’t know what else to – oh what the juice is happening?” The leathery skin is bubbling. It starts small at the stab wound and spreads across the rest of its body. Thankfully, it stops moving but the bubbling doesn’t.

Green ooze starts bleeding from the wound and - OH CHEESE!

The entire thing is just mush. In one rumble, the beast’s corpse has dissolved into grey mush. While I’m standing there, dumbfounded, the stank pours out of the mush, retreating into the air and taking off.

I have to follow it. I – OH MY FUCKING CHEESE!

An unimaginably awful stench is emanating from this mush. The mush I’m STANDING IN. I drop my sword. It’s not worth it. I have to get out of this. RIGHT. NOW.

This mush is up to my knees and it’s thick. I can’t just step out of it. I whip the Ninja Scarf onto a nearby lamppost. It takes a few pulls but I’m able to escape it. I land on the neck of the light, the scarf unravelling and returning to its normal length.

Oh, it’s still on me! I am covered in this – this schnasty fucking gunk! It’s like a rotting corpse covered in ammonia and dunked in a pile of dirty jock straps. I try to shake it off and fall onto the sidewalk in the process. I go to take my pants off, but the Ninja Suit seems to be one piece of fabric. I can’t escape this. This is just part of me now. I – I can’t – URK!

I pull my mask up over my nose and hork up my breakfast on the concrete. It’s so bad. I’m leaning on the brickwork of some random building, barfing uncontrollably. Once I graduate to dry heaving, I yank the mask back down. I legitimately don’t know what to do about this. If I was struck down with lightning right now, I wouldn’t be mad about it.

Water sprays me from my right. I jump but I’m so thankful for it. I turn to see Howard wielding a hose originating from somewhere in an alleyway.

“Oh, thank juice. I love you, I love you, I love you.” I stand straight and spin accordingly to get clean.

I wonder why Howard’s not saying anything until I see he’s got his t-shirt over his nose and is probably holding his breath. It’s not just me. This stuff is so beyond schnasty.

Chapter Text

Inside the massive modern pyramid that is McFist Industries HQ, McFist is seated in his office, pounding on his desk in frustration. “No! This was supposed to be our one-way ticket to finally destroying the Ninja!” he shouts before slamming his face into his keyboard. He switches from loud and angry to exhausted and disappointed. “Millions down the drain…for some shoddy genetic engineering. Should’a stuck to robots.”

Viceroy stands opposite his boss’s desk, studying security footage of the Ninja defeating their latest creation. Unfortunately, they can’t see him reveal half of his face to puke, but Viceroy isn’t as invested in the Ninja’s identity as McFist usually is.

“This is interesting,” he remarks. He reaches out to the massive screen and slides two fingers across it to rewind the footage. “Once the skin was pierced and heated, the whole thing destabilized. That shouldn’t have happened.”

Still face down, McFist chimes in, “Well, no duh.”

“But at least the stank came back. We were really risking mixing that stuff with our chemicals. It reacted better than we could’ve imagined…but now this.” The screen shows the exact moment the body erupted into a homogenous grey mush.

The gazillionaire stands from his desk, a few keyboard keys stuck to his face, and approaches the screen, too. “Can we do better? If not, I’m pulling the plug on this.”

Viceroy nods, mischief in his eyes. “Of course. This is all a learning process. Turning a bunch of chemicals and inanimate materials into a living creature was tough, but I think we’re onto something much bigger now.”

“Yeah…”

Silence sits between the two as the footage plays again.

McFist breaks said silence after a few seconds. “Onto…what exactly?”

“Something bigger than the Ninja. Something bigger than us.” Viceroy grins, the gears turning in his head along with a small voice saying, “You don’t get paid enough for this.”

McFist taps his legs with his fingers, his eyes searching the screen. “Uh, can you be more specific? Ya lost me.”

“We just have to create something with no weaknesses. Something strong and unpredictable. The Ninja is just one little guy. I’m honestly surprised he can do what he does now.” Viceroy sighs, his next plan bright in his mind. “He has to crack eventually.”

“Ooo, I like the way you think! That’s why I pay you the big bucks!” McFist laughs. He turns on his heel, either bored with the footage or on a mission to answer emails.

Viceroy pauses the video and turns to his boss. He’s in the process of peeling the keys off his face to shove back into his keyboard. “Speaking of which, sir, is there any chance I can get a raise? I believe our genetic-stank breakthrough is deserving of it,” he asks.

“Uhhh… I mean, probably.”

“Probably?”

“I don’t know if it’s in the budget! I don’t even know what our budget is. I just throw money at things and sometimes I get more money back.” McFist shrugs. “I’ll look into it. If I can’t get you a raise, I’ll give you a bonus.”

Viceroy nods. “I can live with that.”

Chapter Text

I had to throw the Ninja Mask into two plastic bags to take it home. The stench has stuck to the entire thing somehow. Like when I desuited, the suit infected the mask. I should probably be more freaked out about the mutant rat-opossum creature, but that thing’s gone. This is in my pocket.

“Ugh, I think I can still smell it,” Howard groans. He’s on his bike ahead of me on our way home. We were gonna go out to eat after the speed dating ended, but there are clearly more important matters here. “Can you hang back like ten more feet?”

“No way. I’m already ten feet behind you! Try having this thing on you.” I sigh. “At least you don’t have to take three showers when we get home.”

“At least,” Howard echoes.

Four showers later and an entire can of air freshener, the Ninja Suit has been destanked. Destunk? Whatever. The Ninja now exclusively smells like a cinnamon-coated pine tree. I used some cinnamon soap Dad got two Christmases ago (and never used), and the only air freshener I knew Mom wouldn’t notice missing: Plain & Simple Pine (now with Cinnamon Garland).

The smell’s overwhelming, but I’ll take it. Anything’s better than that horrible, disgusting and weirdly warm mush.

I wander over to Howard’s after both the suit and I’m clean. He won’t let me in, though. He’s squinting at me through the backdoor window, holding the door knob tightly. “What do you smell like?” he asks suspiciously.

“Christmas.”

Howard hums and taps his chin. “Describe it to me.”

“There’s a Christmas party in the middle of about 82 pine trees, and it’s snowing cinnamon that smells slightly more like a clean dude than a cookie.”

“Wow, Christmas sounds kinda sucky.” He opens the door and gestures for me to come in. I step inside and do a little stretch. “At least you don’t smell like death.”

“Oh, don’t get me started.” I let my arms rest behind my head as I turn on the kitchen tiles. “Did you see where the stank went when I, uh, won?”

Howard shakes his head and goes for the fridge. “It went up and horizontal. That’s all I got for ya. I was too busy trying to save you from Barftown, USA.” He tosses me a bottle of grape juice. It hits me in the chest and I let it fall to the floor, watching it absently. It doesn’t bust open or anything.

“This…is not soda,” I say plainly.

“Mom’s trying to get us all to eat healthier. There hasn’t been soda in the Weinerman house in ehhhhh, two months?” Howard swigs some of his juice. He looks at the label as he smacks his lips. This looks like the extra calcium kind. “Grape juice is bitey enough to be soda but it’s not soda, buuuuut it tastes pretty good.”

I pick up my juice and drink some. It is pretty good. “How’s healthy eating going?”

My best friend shrugs, leaning back on the counter. “Not great but not awful. It could be worse, honestly. Sure does make chasing the Ninja a lot easier.”

“Mmmm, how’s healthy eating and French cuisine?” I prod. I stretch myself in his direction across Mrs. Weinerman’s new kitchen island. She had it installed over the summer. It’s very fancy!

“Don’t bring the French into this,” Howard warns, scowling at me. “Heidi can’t seem to cook anything that isn’t gross. Last night, we had…pigeon.”

My eyes widen. “Actual pigeon? Like, actual real pigeon?”

Howard grimaces and looks to the ceiling. He closes his eyes, whispering, “You’ll never understand my pain.”

“Dude!” I can’t help but laugh a little. “Was it good?”

Howard throws an exaggerated hand my way. “OF COURSE IT WAS GOOD BUT MY GUTS DIDN’T LIKE IT!” he shouts.

“Oh, buddy,” I laugh, now actually somewhat sympathetic.

We take up residence in Howard’s bedroom after collecting a bowl of unsalted, unbuttered popcorn (kinda schnasty but I’ll live). He’s trying to get me to watch some cartoon about – and I quote – “gay rocks.”

“Howard, I’m not gonna watch a show just because there’s something gay about it.”

“What if I told you one of the gay rocks is basically two gay rocks in a trench coat? They’re gay together, and they create a powerful being that is the essence of gay,” he offers before scarfing down a handful of popcorn.

I go to counter him again…but I can’t. That kinda sounds perfect. I shake my head. “We have to focus on this new danger. Someone has the Chaos Pearls and they’re Frankenstein-ing them up.”

Howard holds up a finger. “Frankstein’s monster-ing them up.”

“You don’t make this easy.”

Mouth full of popcorn, he winks at me in return.

“Mm. Anyway, we have to figure out who –”

“McFist.”

I blink. “What?”

“Literally who else would it be?”

I plop onto Howard’s bed. My hands waver back and forth like I’m going off on a big tangent. I end it with a big shrug. “I don’t know! It could be anyone! A new villain is always a possibility,” I exclaim.

“In this town? I don’t think so.” Howard plops down next to me. “Plus, my dad’s been stressed about work, so I figured weird stuff was going on.”

“And…you didn’t think to mention that before?”

“Ah, you know how Mort is! Guy’s a string bean of stress. Not to mention, I can’t imagine what work environment exists in that huge shoob pyramid. So, I dunno. Didn’t really put two and two together.” His hand pats the inside of the bowl, now empty aside from a few unpopped kernels. He throws on some fake frustration and declares, “Cunningham, I can’t believe you ate all the popcorn!”

“I ate literally none of it.”

The bowl dances from my best friend’s lap into mine. It almost falls but I manage to save it. “Evidence says otherwise.”

Howard ends up getting me to watch this cartoon. By episode ten, I’m hooked. Don’t know what he meant by two gay rocks in trench coat, though. Maybe he meant episode twelve? That or he’s feeding me fan theories. I do enjoy a good fan theory.

By midnight, we’ve run through every episode that’s been aired. We managed to get excluded from dinner somehow, but we probably didn’t miss much since we ate three bags of popcorn. Now, we’re both on the floor, pillows under our heads and a single blanket thrown across us.

I’ve been telling Howard about First Ninja’s fallen clan and the Droplets of Humanity. Despite yawning a few times, he’s pretty invested in it all. “Okay, so, if the Droplets are like the opposite of the Pearls, does that mean they do the opposite thing? Instead of chaos…they cause love or some junk?” he asks.

“It seemed vague. There’s the implication they have some kinda similar power but I have no idea. I’m not even sure where I’d find them.”

“What if,” Howard pauses in another yawn, “what if you get your hands on a couple of these Droplets and you annihilate McFist’s monsters all easy peasy?”

“I don’t know if something with ‘humanity’ in the name is supposed to annihilate anything.” I yawn, too. “It doesn’t sound right.”

“You’re the Ninja. You can do whatever you want whenever you want with whatever you want. For example, if you wanted to butter some toast on top of the school with the Ninja Sword, you totally could.”

I nod, eyes on the ceiling. We haven’t looked at each other in an hour but it’s mutual and comfortable. “Yes, my favorite Ninja activity.”

“Let’s do that tomorrow.”

My brow scrunches. “Misuse my weapons as kitchen utensils?”

“No, shoobus dorkus. Find a way to the Realm of Light. It doesn’t sound too hard.”

Chapter Text

When we’re on a long-abandoned hiking trail the next day, Howard changes his tune. “This isn’t worth it. I’m gonna eaten by a bear or trampled by a deer! Or I’m gonna get bitten by a tick!”

I’m suited up, hoping there’s some kind of Ninja Magic that’ll lead us directly to the Realm of Light. The Nomicon isn’t being direct with me. I know we can access that realm from ours; it’s just a matter of finding it. The skunk pine – the source of the tree sap that makes my smoke bombs – is out here, so I should be able to find an entrance to another realm, too. Makes sense.

“I told you to wear jeans and long sleeves for this. You don’t listen.” I stop at a fork in the path and contemplate which way to go. “And if there’s an animal after our bones – I have so many weapons on me. You’re totally safe.”

“Protect me from the ticks and the mosquitos then,” Howard whines. “What’s a ninja good for if he won’t protect me from the buuuuugs?”

I roll my eyes. “It’s not like I have a Ninja Bug Repellent Ball.”

“Did you check?”

I’m ready to snark back at him, but I didn’t think to check for that. I stick my hand in the red sash around my waist and pull out a handful of Ninja Balls. As I recognize the balls I know, I stash them away. I’m left with a few I don’t recognize: a red and green ball, a brown and red ball, and a lavender and blue ball.

While I’m trying to make a decision, Howard takes over. “You’re taking too long. This one looks like Christmas. That one looks stupid.” He grabs the brown and red one. “I like this one – bold color combination.”

I try to stop him from throwing it, but – “Howard Bug Repellent!”

A brown cloud of mist explodes from the ball once it hits the ground. In an instant, cinnamon becomes the only smell ever. Howard is, of course, the first and only one to complain about it: “Aw! What? That’s wonked up! Now we smell like the fall décor section at the craft store! How’s that gonna help us?”

“I think cinnamon is a natural bug repellent?” I tap my chin thoughtfully. “That sounds like something.”

“Whatever,” Howard huffs, crossing his arms. He looks up at me. “Find the thing,” he instructs.

“Wow, so helpful.” I turn back to the fork in the path. “Which way should we go, oh wise one?” I ask with as condescendingly as I can. Then I freeze. Ahead of me is a little blue flame, floating and flickering in the right path.

Howard shoves me aside. “We go left. You always go leeef – what is that?”

“It’s a Droplet of Humanity – or it’s the start of one. This was in the Nomicon.”

“Do…we catch it? What’s, uh, what’s the procedure here?”

I shake my head and take a few steps towards the flame. “We follow it. It’s on its way to the realm.” The flame laughs exactly like it did in the Nomicon – childlike, muffled, and distant.

“Mmmm, I’m not following that. You don’t follow things that laugh like children. That’s Horror Movie Logic 101.” I hear the ground crunch next to me as Howard turns to leave. I grab him by one of his belt loops.

“Well, Ninja Logic 101 says follow the flame. So, we follow the flame.” I approach the flame, two fingers still curled around the empty belt loop. “C’mon. Don’t be a baby.”

Howard grumbles and spins around, smacking my hand away. “This is how forest fires start…and how you get murdered in the woods,” he mutters. He isn’t wrong but I’m also not wrong. However, I’m the Ninja and that makes me the least wrong.

The flame leads us through waist-high grass I had to cut a path in, through a random cluster of berry bushes, and to a creek. It never goes too fast, seemingly set at its own pace rather than caring we’re on its trail. It laughs every so often, which is admittedly unsettling. Even knowing this is some kind of beacon for humanity, it’s not the brucest thing about it.

“Did you get anyone’s number at the Game Hole, by the way?” Howard asks.

“Nope.”

“What? Are you serious?”

I step onto a thick log that’s fallen over the creek. It’s wedged between some rocks and it seems sturdy. “I did a lot of mingling, and I got to talk to other queer people for the first time. I made friends with a lesbian but that was it. She’s super bruce but I am very much not her type.”

“What makes you say that?”

I peer over my shoulder. I slowly repeat the key phrase here, “Lesbian.”

“Right, right.”

The hair stands up on the back of my neck and I freeze. I stick my arm out behind me to stop Howard in his tracks. Something’s wrong.

“What are –” I hold up a finger on the hand behind me.

I study everything around us. The leaves rustle in the breeze. The water murmurs and stirs beneath us. Ahead of us, the blue flame crackles softly as it continues on its journey. Otherwise, there’s no sound. Any birds or frogs around us have gone quiet.

Slowly, I shift to look behind us, retracting the finger I had held up to Howard’s face. I subconsciously place my hands on his shoulders as I continue scoping out the environment.

“Dude, wha –” I clamp my hand over Howard’s mouth, staring daggers into his eyes.

I pull the Ninja mask over my nose and mouth, “This is serious. Be quiet.”

Howard moves my hand away, his brow scrunched. He mouths back, “What’s going on?!”

“Something’s following us.” I peer over him again. There’s a whole lot of nothing besides all the foliage. “I’m gonna use my Ninja Senses. Don’t move. Don’t. Talk,” I warn.

I stand straight, eyes closed; take a deep breath, and clear my mind. I’m calm, I’m centered. I’m one with myself and the world around me.

The first thing I pick up on is literally everything about Howard. I know what he had for breakfast. I know how much product he put in his hair. I know he’s staring directly at my face. I know what color his underwear are and…how long he’s been wearing them. Gross.

I let go of my best friend’s shoulders, and the world opens around me. After wading through the cinnamon smell clinging to us, I’m aware of everything in the forest. Animals are scattered everywhere but they’re hiding, cowering in small nooks and crannies.

Trees and other plants are giving off a scared energy. They seem to be passing along silent messages in the pollen to withdrawal and protect themselves and their systems.

Others are putting out a drastically different vibe. They’re angry and growing at a rapid pace. These plants are connected in a linear path – our path. Among them, something huge is meandering in our direction.

It stops.

I struggle to maintain focus.

It sniffs the air and breaks into a sprint.

My eyes pop open and I curse under my breath. I reconnect my hands with Howard’s shoulders. “Hey, buddy,” I say a soft voice, “can I see your phone for a second?”

Howard cocks his head but complies. Once I’ve got his phone, I stuff into the pocket dimension in the folds of the Ninja scarf. Without saying anything, I shove him off the log into the water. “Why the juice did you do that?” he barks at me, his hair wet and flat against his forehead.

I toss myself into the water next to him. Replacing my mask, I quickly say, “Something’s tracking us. It can smell the cinnamon. We have to leave this spot pronto.”

“What about the Realm of Light?”

“It has to wait. This is probably another stank beast. If McFist can track the beasts somehow, he’ll find the realm portal.” I jump up, grab Howard by the collar, and leap into the trees above us. We’re about twenty feet off the ground on a sturdy tree branch. Howard clings to the tree trunk and glances at me, silently saying, “You better know what you’re talking about, Cunningham.”

“You stay here. I’ll distract this thing and ugh…kill it.”

“Come back for me or-or I’ll return the walkie-talkies,” he threatens, looking the most threatening while he’s a koala full of fear. “Please.”

I offer a pat of reassurance and take off into the trees. I flip and bound from branch to branch until I’ve come across the beast. Its nose is in the air, sniffing for our whereabouts, but it lost us. Its pointed ears twitch, too, but to no avail.

It walks on four massive paws, each one sporting multiple sharp claws. The legs are strong and dog-like, supporting a sleek body of fur. Green stank pours from its mouth like the last beast. It falls neatly from its jagged teeth, falling to the forest floor and covering the plants in its path.

I’m pretty sure this is a wolf, but it doesn’t have a tail. It’s also the size of a bulldozer, so there’s that.

F w i p… F w i p…

A breeze kicks up, flapping my scarf in the slightest way. I grab it quickly but it too late. The wolf’s head snaps towards me and it roars like a lion – which I have to say is an unnecessary addition to this monstrosity but kudos to Viceroy for striking fear into my very core. Said fear doesn’t last long as I jump down onto the wolf’s back. I struggle to stand steady, but I didn’t think this through.

“Ninja Spikes!” Cleats jab into the beast’s back from my feet. It doesn’t seem to be in pain but it isn’t pleased. I pull out a sword only to have it snatched from my grip instantly.

A series of vines loom over me. They toss my sword aside and wrap around me, yanking me off my enemy. They squeeze me like a massive snake, reminiscent of the chameleon bot that broke my ribs. I am not going through that again.

I summon the Ninja Spikes on my knuckles and slice through the plants. I toss a smoke bomb before hitting the ground and reappear in a tree.

The stank coming from this thing must be pungent enough to stank the vegetation. Plants don’t inherently have feelings, so I can’t destank them. Hopefully, when this beast bubbles into the worst substance in history, the plants go back to normal.

Vines shoot at me, fast and with purpose. So, I pull out two swords and go to town. I slice and dice my way through a majority of the greenery with the exception of a particularly thick vine. I sprint down that one, aiming for a game-ending stab in the back of the neck.

“Oof!” It catches me in its VERY HUMAN HANDS. The front paws unfurled into human-esque hands, thumbs and all. “What the juice, Viceroy? This is a mutant wolf!” I angrily shout into the air.

The beast winds back its arm and hurls me towards a tree. “WOLVES DON’T HAVE HAAAAANDS!” I continue to shout. When the danger in front of me catches my attention, I –

THWUMP!

Too late. Stars sprinkle across my vision and I slide down the rough bark, dropping both swords. “Gimme… Gimme a minute…” I muster.

I’m yanked back to the scene via vines again. Still not with it, I raise my head to see the beast’s gaping mouth a few inches from my face. Its breath reeks and I’m not sure if it’s the stank or just mutant dog breath.

I’m tempted to Tengu Fire my way out of this but this is a forest. Property damage is one thing, but I will not be responsible for a forest fire. My arms are tight at my sides and I barely have room to breathe. If I dish out any Ninja Balls, I’ll end up hurting myself. I’ve got one other option:

“Stay grounded, do not waver. The dirt itself will pay you a favor –”

“ROOOOAAAAR!” Green stank spit rains down on me and I can’t help gagging. The beast rips me from the vines and holds me in the air like it’s about to spike me. I quickly run through the rest of the spell:

"To stop your foes and hold them back. Harness the soil for an Earth Attack.”

Dirt shoots up from the ground and encases the wolf’s body. In a panic, its paw-hand opens and I’m free. In front of the trapped beast, I utter some extra words to the spell:

"You’re no longer allowed to roam; take cover in the dirt dome.”

Thick walls of dirt rise from the ground, forming a dome around us and preventing the stanked plants from attacking me further. “Ninja Light Ball!” I pull out a particularly large Ninja Ball and it comes to life with a bright light. It’s just me, the beast, and the light.

“Alright, fella, this is where you meet your end.” It thrashes, roars, and howls but it’s not going anywhere. I kinda feel bad because this is basically a dog but it also kinda tried to kill me, so I shouldn’t feel too bad about it.

“Ninja Boom Ball!” I hurl three of them into its gaping mouth. It swallows them without resistance. With little time to spare, I make sure I don’t get plastered in that grey goo again. As a red glow emits from my hands, I wing the next line of the spell. “Be my guest: step into your sarcophagus.”

More dirt rises from the ground, molding onto the beast’s face mid howl, immobilizing it completely. For safety measures, I maintain the red glow of the spell. Whatever explodes out of this thing is not meant for nature.

I turn my head as an explosion sounds off from inside the dirt, shaking the ground beneath my feet. The perfect replica of its head crumbles in on itself but the mound maintains its shape. I let the glow go and take a victorious stance. “All in a day’s – OH CHEESE!” I scramble to the walls of the dome, clawing at them fruitlessly. Both stank and the stench of the probably-grey mush is filling the enclosed space.

“Nononono!” I cover my nose and mouth with the end of the Ninja scarf. “Open the door before my body hits the floor!”

I fall forward through a somehow hinged dirt door. I’m quick to bounce back to my feet and lean on the door until it becomes one with the dome again. Unfortunately, the stank sneaks out before I can close it. At least I didn’t get covered in that awful mush this time. This is a win and you cannot tell me otherwise.

Still leaning against my Earth Attack aftermath, I take a little breather, head to the sky, my heart still beating like crazy. I hope I’m getting good cardio from all this Ninja nonsense.

My eyes focus on a dot in the sky.

…

Is that a McFist drone?

I do a couple of focused Air Fists on the ground, propelling me into the sky. A few yards away, I can see the green “M” logo on the metal plating between the little helicopter blades. “Ninja 1984 Revoked!” I declare, sending some Ninja Rings into the machine’s body. Sparks fly and it starts to smoke.

“Ninja Air Fist!” I pop the drone good, sending it flying beyond the forest. It explodes and I feel safe again…except for the fact that I just rocketed myself towards the ground. Not the smartest thing I’ve done today. Luckily, I catch myself in a tree before I can splatter anywhere.

I’m relieved to see the stanked plants have either returned to their original state or shriveled up in the beginning stages of decomposition.

Now what?

I give it a moment. I can’t exactly clean this up. Maybe I have some Ninja Caution Tape? Then I guess I’d have to call the cops? Or a hazmat team? Hmm…

My eyes widen. “Howard!” I honkin’ forgot about Howard! “I’m coming, buddy!”

Chapter Text

“I said I was sorry!” I exclaim.

Howard throws up his arms. “‘Sorry’ doesn’t fix the trauma!” he exclaims loud enough to startle a flock of birds in the nearby trees. We’re trying to track down the Flame of Humanity we were tailing like 20 minutes ago before the big bad wolf tried to get us.

“Dude, chill out! It was one squirrel! You’re fine!”

“Does this look like I’m fine?!” Howard gestures to his scratched up face. “That squirrel ruined my best quality here!”

“You won’t let me heal –”

Howard cuts in with an exasperated, “It’s the principal of the thing! If I let you heal my face, you wouldn’t feel like such a shoob.”

“You want me to feel like a shoob?”

“A little!”

I roll my eyes. “I’ll heal your face later, but I want you to know something,” I grab his shoulder and by sheer luck, we make eye contact, “your best quality…is your heart.” I make sure to tilt my head and gingerly touch my chest.

Howard, completely caught off guard, turns his head and snorts. The next thing I know, we’re two dweebs laughing in a forest. We should probably be worried about McFist sending out another stank beast, but I have yet to see two of those things at once. So, I’d say we’re pretty safe. You know, unless a bear decides we’re in its territory. That would make us a little less safe.

Done laughing, Howard gives me a hard friend-slap on the back. “Don’t get soft on me in the forest, Cunningham. That’s how people get murdered in horror movies,” he informs me matter-of-factly.

“What? No it’s not.”

“Totally is.”

I shake my head. “Horror movie people die when they do stuff or when they’re making out. Emotional softness is neither of those things.”

Howard puts on his thinking face and shakes his head.

“We can get murdered in the woods if you want!” I offer. I zip in front of him, once again pulling the Ninja Mask over my nose. “Wanna make out with the Ninja? In the woods?” I bounce my eyebrows and wink, my smile cocky. Gesturing to my lips, I add, “Reminder that I own exactly zero lip balm.”

Howard pushes past me, laughing, “Gross! Buy some lip balm.”

We press on, not paying too much attention to our surroundings and shooting the cheese. I, a nuisance, kept the topic on kissing. Specifically, on me and Howard kissing.

I admit I might have a small crush on Howard I’ve never noticed, but he’s usually too much of a shoob for it to be consistent. Like, some days I internally go, “Man, Howard’s so cool. If I put my arm around him, would we both be cool?” and others I go, “Why is Howard like this? What if he just crawled under a rock until he was done being a shoob?”

Howard admits I’m the one dude he’d smooch. It doesn’t even have to be a life or death situation! I feel like that means our friendship is truly at its peak. If you won’t smooch your bro, are you truly comfortable with each other? Hmm?

Moral of the story: our bromance is too strong to become a romance, and it might be one of the strongest bromances out there. Platonic love for the win, baby!

After declaring that last part out loud, I do a little victory dance. It’s about the same dance I did when I outed McFist for trying to destroy the Ninja – shuffling, arm swinging and all. My feet go out from under me without warning, and I try to catch myself on this six-foot-tall old, gnarly stump. I phase through it and fall in a wooden tunnel, the ceiling lined with glowing white gems.

“Howard! I found the thing!”

Howard and I make our way down to the torri at the realm entrance. It’s just like in the NinjaNomicon, which is arguably disconcerting. But it’s also reassuring! I might get riddles and indirect answers from the Nomicon, but finding the exact thing I’m looking for is a breath of fresh air.

“Soooo, what’s the plan here?” Howard asks. He runs his hand through his hair, attempting to mold it back into its original shape. It’s kinda working.

An arm folded beneath the other, I tap my cheek thoughtfully. “Um, y’know, I don’t know. I was kinda hoping I’d figure it when I got here, or like, maybe there’d be a note or plaque somewhere.” I shrug. “Coming up pretty empty, though.”

My best friend groans, “You stranded me in a tree for nothing?”

I glare at him. He’s being difficult on purpose.

“Ask your stupid book then.”

I pull the Nomicon out but it won’t open. “Great, you want me to figure this out on my own? Since when is that a good idea?” It doesn’t flash or buzz, so I guess that’s what it wants.

Welp.

Much to Howard’s dismay, I tie the end of the Ninja scarf around his wrist, wrapping it around his hand a couple of times. He’s my emotional rock, but now he’ll be my physical rock, too. I don’t know if the Realm of Light is the exact same as the Nomicon version, so I need a quick out if something goes wrong.

“At least give me my phone back,” Howard says. I fish it out for him but I warn him to pay attention in case there’s some kind of something in here. “You pay attention; you’re the Ninja.”

See what I mean? Why is he like this?

I step through the transparent blue wall, instantly immersed in the blue atmosphere, floating freely. There are Droplets everywhere, the river and white grass are miles below me, and the occasional Droplet greys and falls. It’s pretty much the same.

To my own displeasure, there’s still no clear indication on what to do here. I swim through the lack of gravity a bit and there’s still nothing.

I turn to talk to Howard but I can’t see him. The wall I came through is opaque from this end. The scarf is still sticking out of it, so hopefully I’m not stuck in here.

“What?” Howard’s voice comes suddenly and loudly.

I’m still staring at the wall. This is kinda bruce.

“Collect some of the balls already, Cunningham. You’re the king of taking too long.”

I put my hands on my hips. These Droplets probably shouldn’t go directly into the Ninja suit; that sounds dangerous somehow. “It’s not like I have some magic sack in my,” I reach into the scarf and pull out a small magic sack, “oh, would you look at that!”

I float towards some of the Droplets to grab some. “Now that I’ve got my handy dandy Ninja Ball – ” I double over laughing. I cannot say that.

“Say it! You know you wanna!” Howard encourages.

Still laughing, I say, “I can’t! This show is rated TV-Y7!”

“This fanfiction isn’t!”

“Nonono,” I continue laughing. “I have some dignity!”

Chapter Text

A pillow to his face, McFist screams while sitting at his desk. One of his Robo-Apes stands nearby, a couple more pillows in its hands. It passes an unreadable look to a Robo-Ape stationed at one of his office doors.

The pillow in McFist’s hands goes flying towards the large screen ahead of his desk. The static sizzling across it is fresh with failure. “WHAT’S THE POINT OF MAKING THE SKIN THICKER IF HE CAN STILL DESTROY IT?!” he yells, causing one of the closer Robo-Ape’s eyes to crack.

“Please calm down, sir. This isn’t good for you blood pressure,” the robot says.

Face red, McFist turns towards his minion. His hands inch towards it, his fingers crinkled, ready to strangle a being that doesn’t breathe. He abandons the idea quickly, sighing and falling back in his high-backed office chair.

“Get Viceroy in here,” he orders, “and get me an iced tea and some ibuprofen.”

After going through multiple sets of blue prints and pointing at a series of different proposed stank beast designs, McFist and Viceroy come to somewhat of a compromise. Somewhat.

The genetic engineering department needs a longer production period in between stank beasts if they want to concoct something truly dangerous. Viceroy made a 12-step plan to work out all the kinks and improve their work. They’d have to trade in some stank beast attacks for some robot attacks.

McFist is wildly frustrated he can’t get a win over the Ninja. He doesn’t want to fuss with 12 steps for anything. “Just make something better!” he commands.

Viceroy’s glasses slide down his nose. He stands in front of several corkboards and whiteboards of varying sizes, his arms crossed. “We can with the plan,” he insists.

His boss shakes his head. “In six months? I don’t think so. Two weeks was more than enough of a wait.”

The purple-clad scientist replaces his glasses, throwing on an evil grin. “Well, we can start executing Plan O.D.E.T.N.,” he proposes, “but that’ll take some time. Not six months but time. We need to gather more data on a couple more stank beasts and then we can begin.”

McFist thinks for a moment, drinking his iced tea. Emptying the glass, he holds it out for a nearby Robo-Ape to refill it. “Which plan is O.D.E.T.N. again?”

Viceroy flips the largest whiteboard, revealing a series of papers and marker notes alongside one large diagram. He offers an alternative name, “The Big Splice.”

“Ooo! That’s one of my favorite plans!”

“So, we’ll need your approval on two more stank beasts.” Viceroy plucks a clipboard pinned to one of the corkboards. Before approaching his boss, he grabs a second one. “And then some simpler robots. We might even reuse old designs to save time and resources.”

McFist shakes his head dismissively, drinking his tea again. “You know I hate reusing robot designs. It’s so drab and unoriginal. Not very inspiring for future robotic engineers or evil geniuses, either.” He takes another sip. “I barely liked that new chameleon bot. We’ve done chameleons before.”

“You know what they say, sir: something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.” Viceroy delivers the clipboards and offers a pen from his pocket.

The gazillionaire nods, signing and initialing every line on the collective papers. Once he’s done, he pauses. “Wait, isn’t that a wedding thing? I think I remember Marci’s mother saying that when we were planning our wedding.”

Viceroy takes his turn to pause. “Oh. Yeah, it is. Huh.” He blinks a few times and hums a note. “My husband wants to renew our vows and I’ve got wedding stuff on the brain.”

McFist gasps. “Will there be a ceremony? Can Marci and I come? And maybe the boy?”

“Well, Kelvin said he didn’t want you at the wedding but I don’t know about a vow renewal. If we can cut Bash out of the equation, then possibly.”

“Bash won’t be hard to persuade to do something else. He isn’t a big romance guy anyway.” McFist taps his fingers together, a smile growing beneath his long mustache. It takes but a moment for him to shift to a light clap. “Oh, I’m so excited! What was your wedding like? Do you have pictures?”

Viceroy reaches for his phone, stalling only slightly. He tried to keep his personal life and his work life separate, but he adored his wedding photos. It’s practically instinct to pull up the wedding photo folder in his phone’s gallery, shoving them into the face of whoever was interested.

Chapter Text

The NinjaNomicon is still giving me the cold shoulder and I have no clue why. I’ve got four Droplets of Humanity, I don’t know how they work, and I’m lost.

I can’t even test them out on stank beasts or McFist robots. It’ll probably be another week or two before I see another stank beast. I’d sneak into McFist HQ but I don’t want to risk tampering with whatever magical science they’re up to in there. The last thing I want is to accidentally level the town.

One of the Droplets sits in front of me on my lava lamp stand. I sat the lava part aside and moved it over to the desk beneath my bed. I’ve flicked the light on and off a few times. All it did was make the Droplet slightly more glowy.

A pain twinges in my left knee. I pull it up to the desk, grab it, and lean over a bit. It’s been doing this for a few days now. I don’t know if I pulled something or what.

I have an idea. These Droplets are weirdly cold, so I grab the one before me and press it against my knee. I think heat would be a better solution but this feels really nice.

Taking in the relief, I let my forehead fall against the Droplet. The moment it makes contact with my skin, my vision is overtaken by a blue energy. In it, I see faint images of a baby. It’s born, it grows, it takes its first steps, it goes to kindergarten. I gasp and pull away.

I grab a pencil and make some notes:

• cold
• makes my knee feel better (probably temporary)
• weird visions – must touch with forehead
• saw some kid grow up – why?
• someone’s faith in humanity is in their kid?

I tap the pencil eraser against my chin. Maybe these are nothing like the Chaos Pearls? I don’t become an evil entity when I hold them, nothing noteworthy happens in their vicinity, and they don’t grant wishes. Wait…

“I wish my knee didn’t hurt,” I say to the Droplet. It doesn’t shine, it doesn’t shift. It doesn’t even have a musical sting to indicate anything. When I take it off my knee, the pain slowly flourishes again. I make another note, saying it aloud, “Doesn’t grant wishes. Lame.”

I return my knee to its rightful place and set the Droplet back on its pedestal. While I’m pondering my next move, Howard’s ringtone sounds off from my phone. I accept the call and put it on speaker phone. “Ya got Randy.”

“Does it do anything cool?” Howard asks immediately.

I tell him what I’ve learned.

“How is that helpful?”

“It’s…not. I need some kind of threat to really test these out. So far, it’s just a good ice pack.”

“Hmm… Are any of the sports using the field after school today?”

“I don’t think so. I’m not too keen on when sports happen.”

“Great! Then Howard’s got a plan!”

I snicker. “Should I be worried?”

“What? No!” He pauses. “Maybe.”

After school, Howard directs me to the soccer field. Out of the locker rooms, he presents me with a scarecrow on post wedged into the middle of the grass. It’s cheaply made and practically falling apart, straw poking out of every crevice and its overalls tattered. Angry eyebrows are crudely drawn on its face with a marker. “Did you steal that from someone’s yard?”

“No, Bruce loaned it to me from the school’s fall decorations.”

“McCheese? Howard, we really shouldn’t be associating with him. He’s…concerning.”

My best friend slaps my back. I stumble forward, of course not expecting it. “Cunningham, you gotta lighten up. He’s cool! He made more Ninja cookies.” He whips his backpack around to his stomach and unzips it. From it, he produces a container of chocolate chip cookies. “He made ‘em just for us.”

I groan a little but raise an eyebrow. “Can I have one?”

Howard opens the container. He snaps it shut before I get even remotely near it. “Not until you figure out something with these Droplets,” he states. “Ninja up and hop to it.”

After glaring at him, I scan the area for anyone else. It’s just us, so I pop on the Ninja mask right there. I smoke bomb over to the scarecrow’s left and…then I’m lost again.

I take out the Ninja Baggie and plop one of the Droplets into my hand. There’s nothing even remotely weapon-y or threatening about this thing.

“Throw it!” Howard shouts. He’s sitting in the grass now, his phone out and pointed at me. He gives me a thumbs up.

I sigh, “Alright.” I wing it at the scarecrow, fastball style. It thumps off of it unenthusiastically.

“Boo!”

So, I try again and again and again. Still nothing.

“Come on! Throw it like you mean it!” Howard yells.

What does he think I’m doing?

Droplet in hand once more, I try a different method. I take a deep breath. I’m grounded with reality. I’m grounded in my humanity. I believe in the good in people, and I believe in myself. I have faith in the good I do as the Ninja.

Something spikes within me and I hurl the Droplet at the scarecrow. A blue streak follows it. Once it connects with the cheap material, the entire thing bursts into blue flames. The flames become white and shoot in a solid beam of energy into the sky. I stare in awe as the energy bloops into the sky, ending in a little poof of blue flames.

In its wake, the beam leaves behind a clean pair of overalls neatly folded atop a hay bail and a clean plank of wood. I slowly turn to Howard and we both start freaking out. That was so intense! Maybe an instant destanking is possible with these!

Chapter Text

After discovering Droplets of Humanity are possibly the most powerful weapon I’ve ever laid my mitts on, Howard and I cruise home on our bikes. We even take an alternative route by the skate park again. The ride’s a bit longer that way but that’s what we’re looking for. We’re buzzing with excitement and we have to get the energy out somehow.

When we pass the chain link fence, I can’t help looking through it wistfully. I still can’t believe I lost that guy’s number. I’m not sure it’s something I want to pursue anymore, though.

A few feet past the fence, a voice calls out behind us. “Hey! You’re that cute guy from a few weeks ago, yeah?”

I almost nosedive into the cement stopping my bike. “I am him,” I say quickly and assuredly dumbly. There he is, that dirty blond on the skateboard. He’s still not wearing a helmet but h’oh boy, is he ever handsome.

He stops as we spin our bikes around. “You never reached out after we met,” he says glumly. “Was I too forward?”

“No, I mean – I, uh. No, you weren’t – I, heh. Heheh. Hi.”

“Smooth, Cunningham.” Howard takes over. “Fella washed his hands and lost your number. Hope ya like ‘em dumb.”

Skate park guy laughs. “Aw, well, if you’re still up for it, I’m still single and you’re still cute.” He winks and I melt.

Howard shoves his hand in my satchel, fishing out a pad of sticky notes and a pen. “You better use this this time. And…you know what…” Howard writes down my name and cellphone number. “He’s such a mess. You better text him first.”

Skate park guy laughs again and I melt further into myself. He and Howard exchange our numbers. “I’m Howard by the way; this shoob’s best friend.”

“The name’s Seth Levi Nyx. I’ll text this guy later,” he says pointing at me. “Bye, Randy.” Then he winks for a third time while doing a cutesy finger wiggle wave.

We get back on our path and I am over the moon. I just, I can’t!

After dinner and homework, I take refuge in my room, stretching out on the loveseat opposite my window. I’ve been anticipating this text from Seth for literal hours. I’m tempted to text him first but I don’t know where I’d begin. Is “hello” too formal? Is “hi” too casual? Is “hi” with a smiley face too forward?

How does one text a person of romantic interest? How does one – me in particular – not make a fool of themselves? Hmm…

As I clog my brain with a million questions, my phone dings: Heyyy! Is this Randy?

I do a little excited flailing before managing an answer: Yes! Is this Seth?

Seth: Yep

Me: So bruce!

Seth: haha yeah

Alright, he’s dropped all punctuation and capitalization pretty quickly. That’s fine. Weird but fine. First impressions and all that, I guess.

Me: Tell me about yourself. I’ve only known you as skate park guy, so I’d love to hear more about you.

Seth: i dunno. that kinda sums me up. besides skating i like to fish

Oh cheese, he’s boring. Or, no, benefit of the doubt: maybe Seth is someone that blanks when you ask them anything personal. He’s kinda too attractive to be boring.

Seth: ur more articulate by text. whats up with that lol

Me: Eh, there’s more time to think and cherry pick your words with texting. I also get flustered kinda easily haha

Seth: i hear ya

Me: Do you have a favorite subject? I like history and English. I’ve also got a big soft spot for art. You don’t have to be good at art to do well or have a good time. It’s nice.

Seth: science is cool

Seth: do you wanna go out this saturday. theres a couple new movies playing

Me: Totally! Which theater? What time?

When Seth doesn’t answer, I look up the local theater and see what’s playing when.

Me: How about that new Brock Octane movie around noon? The one where he has to go back in time and save his favorite actor from getting assassinated?

Seth: nah brock octane is lame

I hold back saying anything in defense of my favorite actor and apparent celebrity crush. If I even phrased it like that, that might ruin the potential of our relationship.

Seth: the other one with dove branningdahl

I crinkle my nose. Dove Branningdahl is generally a garbage human being. I’m not sure how she keeps landing roles when she’s so public about so many awful and bigoted opinions. The last thing I want to do is support something with her in it.

Me: How about something else? She’s a huge transphobe.

Seth: i like her acting not her views. death of the author

I don’t want to be argumentative with the first guy who’s ever flirted with me buuuuut…

Me: I don’t think death of the author applies to very alive and active actors. I understand overlooking someone’s awfulness to watch a movie, but going to see a movie for them in particular despite who they are isn’t bruce.

Seth: if thats how u feel sure

Seth: that plays at 1

Seth: c u then. bring ur cute face ;)

It takes me a few minutes to respond. I’m caught between so many emotions right now. I don’t know how to feel about seeing this movie but maybe Seth’ll put his arm around me during the movie. Or I could put my arm around him! Or we might try to do that to each other at the same time! That’d be so sweet! Oh, the possibilities!

Chapter Text

The movie was fine. I was too distracted by Dove Branningdahl’s existence to enjoy it thoroughly. It wasn’t very good on its own but I digress.

The experience of the movie was thrilling. We shared my yearly refillable bucket and kept reaching in at the same time. Our fingers would touch and I could feel my face go red. Eventually, we actually held hands. There was some sort of something dramatic going on on screen – someone died or something, I don’t know – and he reached over and we just held hands.

Seth’s hands aren’t soft like I hoped they be. He’s got callouses all over. It must be from fishing? I don’t know anything about fishing. I can’t imagine it’s from skating, though; that wouldn’t make sense. Or…would it? I don’t know anything about skating either.

Maybe I should date someone more my speed. Like Dad said, I’ve got one of the widest playing fields out there. This is just a date. It doesn’t have to mean anything in the long run.

We meander out of the theater together. Seth’s been going on about how beautiful Dove Branningdahl’s acting is and how talented she is. He insists that when she cries in movies, she’s actually crying.

“Eh, I don’t know. I wasn’t that impressed,” I say earnestly.

“Well, she’s better than Brock Octane.”

This again. I shake my head. “Brock does so many different movies across so many different genres. Dove just does these chick flicks.”

He fake gasps. “The Widow’s Tidings is not a chick flick!”

“My mom likes to drag me to chick flicks. I think I know a chick flick when I see one.” I chuckle. “No offense if that’s what you like, of course. It’s not exactly my thing.”

We don’t say anything as we stand by a potted topiary on the sidewalk. It’s cut into a squirrel. I look down at my sneakers and remember the shirt I’m wearing. It’s a short sleeved, blue button up covered in lemons and leaves. “Sorry about this outfit, by the way. My mom insisted I dress nicely for this.”

Seth laughs and flicks his hair out of his eyes. He holds open his brown hoodie, showing off his number four jersey. “At least you have nice clothes. My foster family believes strictly in hand-me-downs.”

“Foster family?” I echo like a moron.

“Yeah. I was an unwanted teenage pregnancy.” He shrugs, kicking a small rock to the curb. “No one ever wants me. I mean, I’m cyber schooled because I got into a couple of fights at my old school and they kicked me out. Even when I was in school, no one wanted to be my lab partner or anything.”

“Oh, dude.”

Seth nods, a sad smile on his face. He looks past me a little before making eye contact. “But hey, I’ve got a cute boyfriend now. At least you want me.”

Fear falls in my stomach and heat rises in my face. I stutter, “B-boyfriend?”

“Yeah. Unless you prefer ‘partner.’ I’m cool with that.”

I get all stupid and start tripping over my words. I shut right up when Seth plants a kiss on my cheek.

“You wanna get some froyo?” Seth asks, holding my hand in his.

I nod, a lovesick smile across my face.

Chapter Text

When I get home, I can’t tell if I’m lucky or stupid. I spot the NinjaNomicon losing its mind in my satchel, so probably stupid.

I pull it out, squinting against its red shine. “Wow, I’m glad I didn’t take you on the date. Calm down. I was gone for like two hours.” Making sure my door is closed, I open the book and – “Ahruuh.”

I land on a raft floating in a gently flowing river, and an orange life vest is doodled overtop my lemon shirt. I spot a scene on the riverbank.

A doodle Ninja stands in front of a doodle person with no discernable gender. Doodle Ninja clasps his hands together, hearts in his eyes. Doodle Person bats their eyelashes and giggles. Doodle Ninja bashfully offers them a bouquet of flowers, and they accept it. Once Doodle Ninja frolics away, the love interest tosses the flowers and they burst into flames.

I grip the ropes tied around the raft as it speeds up, passing by some trees and towering bamboo. It abruptly stops, almost flinging me into the water.

A single tree stands in a patch of grass on the riverbank, now. Doodle Ninja is tied to it, hearts still in his eyes. The doodle person approaches and strikes a sassy pose, a hand high in the air. They produce a lit match and toss it elegantly at the tree. The entire thing bursts into flames, Doodle Ninja included. Fire overtakes the scene, Doodle Person strutting out of it unharmed.

Words stretch across the flames: “The color of their eyes isn’t as important as the flags they wave.”

I gasp, hands on my hips. “Nomicon! Are you being homophobic?”

The flames die down, revealing a burnt skeleton still tied to the tree. The only thing left of the Ninja suit is the red scarf. It flaps frantically in the wind. An arrow points down from “the flags they wave” at the scarf like it’s the next big Las Vegas attraction.

I tap my chin. “Okaaay, so if you’re not being homophobic, what exactly are you trying to say?”

The water rumbles beneath me, obliterating the raft, and abruptly swallowing me. Surprisingly, this isn’t the Nomicon kicking me out. I fall into a forest and scramble to catch myself on a tree branch.

Once I successfully grab one and pull myself up, a colorful bird peacefully flutters down onto another branch before me. It offers me a rolled up piece of paper in its beak. I do my best to grab it but once I think I’ve got it, the bird’s beak opens and the paper falls into the colorless abyss at the base of the trees.

After watching it fall, I look back up. “You don’t happen to have another one, do you?” I ask, smiling awkwardly.

The bird tilts its head.

I mimic it, not sure what to do. Then the bird throws its head back and starts gagging. I look on in horror as it another rolled up piece of paper inches its way out of its throat. All the way out, the paper shoots towards me. Bird spit hits me but the paper opens midair. It reads: “A branch can only bend so much until it breaks. Your branch is meant to hold doves, not crows.”

I blink. That makes less sense than the last one! What’s the point of a double Nomicon lesson if it’s telling me riddles within riddles?

“If you’re telling me not to date goths, I’m way ahead of you. Julian gives me the creeps.” I shudder before trying to piece together the first riddle. “Wait, is this all dating advice? Should I be dating another bi person? I think Seth is gay…but I don’t know how or why that matters.”

The branch in my arms creaks and whines before breaking. I plummet to the abyss, quickly snapping back to reality. My eyes refocus on the world, first finding the many dust bunnies under my dresser. I stand, close the Nomicon, and pick it up. “You’re not helpful,” I tell it.

“Come in, Tall Glass of Water. This is Short Glass of Water for the third time.”

I look around my room. “Howard?” Where’s his voice coming from?

“Over. I forgot to say ‘over.’ Over.” The walkie-taklies! Duh!

I do a little hop and grab it off my bed. “TGW, reading you loud and clear. Over.”

“What’d that dumb book say? Over.”

“Uhh, how’d you know I shloomped?” I ask. “Over.”

“I saw you come home and you didn’t answer the text I sent you 15 minutes ago,” Howard says, very clearly annoyed. He drops the whole “over” thing and I do, too.

I shove the NinjaNomicon back in my satchel. Afterwards, I sigh and scratch my head. “It definitely said something. Eyes, flags, doves, crows – who knows.”

“Okay, so how was the date with Seth? Did ya smooch him?”

I let my end of the line go quiet for a minute. I press the talk button but quickly release it. The silence over the radios crackles briefly. I’m kinda embarrassed about the whole thing.

Howard talks again before I can answer. “That bad? Eh, there are more fish in the sea.”

“Uhhh, what if I told you…we’re boyfriends now?” I admit, unable to convince myself to be excited about it.

“I’d congratulate you but you don’t sound too thrilled.”

I groan and tell Howard Seth’s sad speech after the movie. I couldn’t tell him no after that. What kind of a heartless shoob would put someone down when they’re already at their lowest? “It’ll just be for a week or two,” I assure Howard. “I gotta give him a chance.”

“No you don’t. You don’t date someone that forces you to be their partner. You literally have no obligation to this shoob.”

I furrow my brow. “Hey, I agreed to it.”

“Of course you did, Cunningham. You’re a pushover.”

“Big words for someone who still kisses the ground McFist walks on,” I snap back.

“Push. Over,” Howard emphasizes.

I end the conversation there. If Howard wants to be unsupportive, then he can be unsupportive. That’s fine. He better think twice before he asks to copy my math homework anytime soon.

Chapter Text

“No, listen, I’m stuck in traffic. The Ninja’s fighting a robot and it’s holding everything up,” I say into my phone, trying my best to sound like I’m not dipping and dodging a giant robo praying mantis.

“If you’re busy, we can reschedule. It’s not a big deal. I waited a few days to see you. I can wait a few more,” Seth replies.

“Just give me ten minutes and I’ll be there.” The Slaying Mantis swings one of its arm blades my way. I bend back, narrowly avoiding it.

“Promise?”

“Promise,” I reassure my new and temporary boyfriend. We say goodbye and hang up. I’ve gotta end this fight quickly. This is just a regular McFist robot, so it’d be a waste to use a Droplet against it. I’ve also fought this one before. It shouldn’t be too hard to –

PWSHH! PWSHH!

The mantis blades open, firing two missiles in my direction. I successfully lodge some Ninja Rings into them, forcing them both to explode before colliding with anything.

I spring into the air and summon two swords from the Ninja scarf. “Ninja Dismemberment!” The swords go flying, slicing the arms of the robo bug clean off. It screeches in frustration. “Yeah, me too, bud. You’re making me late.”

I whip out another weapon and get ready to jump again. That pain in my knee twinges again but in the right knee this time. I grit my teeth, pushing forward, and make the final slice. “Ninja Decapitation!” The head crashes into the asphalt. I land next to it, unable to make one of my heroic landings. I make clean contact between my foot and the ground but I crumble quickly. “Owowow… What the juice is wrong with me?”

The Slaying Mantis’ body creaks and falls to the side, ruining a storefront and some of the sidewalk. Nearby people cheer but I don’t have time for fanfare right now. “Smoke bomb!”

My bike comes to a halt at Lazer-A-Rena. Seth’s on a bench, staring at his phone and tapping his foot. “Took you long enough,” he says.

“Yeah, sorry.” I dismount and lock my bike up at the bike rack. “The Ninja saved the day – blah, blah – but also, my knees have been weird lately. I had to stop a couple of times to –”

Seth plants a kiss on my cheek and I get all flustered. “You talk too much.” He grabs my wrist and pulls me along. “C’mon.”

Laser tag is fine. Some of my classmates are there but they don’t take the time or care to recognize me. Even if they did, it isn’t terribly clear that I’m on a date.

We win a decent amount of tickets together. Seth turns in some to get a handful of candy, and I use mine to get a rubber duck dressed like a ninja. I shall name him Jedidiah “Jazz Hands” Wigglesworth. He’s the most fearsome Ninja to date.

When we leave, my knees still hurt but at least we had a good time and I have a small duck son now.

I try to talk to Seth once we’re outside, but he full-on ignores me to answer an email. So, I start texting Howard. He preordered the newest Grave Puncher game and it should’ve come in the mail today. We’re still on good terms despite him calling me a pushover the other day.

“We’re gonna have to cancel our next few dates,” Seth informs me. “I’ve got some doctor appointments coming up.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” I wait for him to explain what the appointments are for but he doesn’t. “Consider this a little break.”

“Huh? You live in town. We can still go out.”

Seth shakes his head, pushing his hair behind his ear. I notice for the first time that his ears are pierced. “I’m not gonna see you for a few weeks. I’ve gotta deal with some cyber school stuff and foster kid stuff, too. There are some families looking to adopt and it seems I’m a candidate.”

“That’s pretty bruce! Are you excited?”

My boyfriend shrugs, his expression apathetic. “Doesn’t matter. I won’t get picked.”

“Not with that attitude,” I laugh. “Lighten up a little. You’re pretty doom and gloom for someone so handsome.”

Seth blushes a little. He’s extra cute when he blushes. “It’s an old habit, I suppose.”

We part ways from there and Seth never explains what it means for us to be on a break. I try to text him about it later but he ghosts me. I guess this is what it means: I’m single until he decides he wants to speak to me again.

Cool, I guess.

Chapter Text

When I bike home that night, I decide to crash at Howard’s instead of going home. I’m sure the Nomicon has some choice words for me right now, but Howard’s a human person, so he might have a better idea of this whole break thing.

“Whoa, what’s with the dork shirt?” he laughs as soon as I stumble into his room. I’m wearing a black button-up spotted with white daises.

“Date with Seth.” I fall face-first onto his bed. Howard’s on the floor by his bookshelf reorganizing his comic books.

“Gross.”

“I know.” I lift my head enough to add, “We’re on a break.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I don’t know what that means. Being on the cusp of liking him and wanting to break things off is exhausting, though, so I’ll take it,” I explain. One of my knees does the pain thing again, but I mostly ignore it.

“Maybe you’ll get lucky and he won’t want to get back together,” Howard suggests. He gets up and sits by my head. He’s got a couple of magazines in his hand. “But also, this is the perfect time for a break. I know how some people are.”

I arch an eyebrow.

“The mailman accidentally put these in our mailbox instead of the new Grave Puncher.” Howard presents me a magazine with a woman wearing – oh, ew. I shove it out of my face. “If you don’t like that one, there’s also a’this one.” The next one has a guy wearing – oh, that’s worse.

“Dude, I don’t wanna see either of those.” I roll onto my back and rub my eyes. Ninja-ing and boyfriend-ing in the same day is not a great combo. “You should really put those back in your mailbox in the packaging. Someone paid for them.”

“You’re not the boss of me.”

I shoot him a look.

“Alright, alright. I’ll put them back. Jeez.” He meanders back to his bookshelf.

“Do you know what this whole ‘break’ thing is about, by the way?” I ask.

I hear what sounds like a manila envelope crinkling before Howard answers. “You can date around until the break is over. You gotta be honest with him when you see him again, though.”

“I don’t know if I wanna do that. I haven’t even kissed him yet.”

“Do you wanna kiss him?”

“Not really. He always smells like fish. Being handsome only gets him so far, frankly.” I fold my arms over my eyes. “I don’t really want my first kiss to be with someone with a stench.”

“Well, I don’t have stench,” Howard gloats.

I chuckle until I realize something. “Howie, are you saying you wanna kiss me?”

Howard stutters but ultimately says, “No!”

I sit up. He’s messing with his comics some more. “Is someone feeling a little bi-curious this evening?”

Howard’s back is to me, but his hands are on his hips while he’s making very intense eye contact with his shelves. He scoffs. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard all day, Cunningham!”

Despite my juiced up knees, I get up and kneel next to Howard. He won’t acknowledge that I’m anywhere near him. “Y’know, I’d rather have my first kiss with my best friend than some guy I don’t really like,” I say warmly, “but, uh, no pressure.”

Howard’s face is red. This guy never blushes, so this is pretty funny. “I just… When I did all that research on LGBT stuff, I realized how many different labels there were and it kinda got me thinking. I’ve never thought about myself too much before. It’s weird.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” I offer.

“I’m not into you,” Howard says firmly. “I’m just curious what it’d be like to kiss a guy, and you’re…right here.”

“So…do you wanna…?”

“I wouldn’t mind if…”

So, I reach out and gently redirect Howard’s face towards mine. Very slowly, we lean in and our lips meet. It lasts a few seconds and its nice. When we separate, I’m overtaken by a single thought: I am definitely bisexual.

Howard voices his thoughts, “Wow, I’m straight. I’m very straight. That was weird.” Then he squints at me and points an accusing finger. “You still haven’t bought any lip balm, have you?”

“Howard, please.”

“I’m buying you lip balm,” he declares. “The next person you smooch does not need to deal with your schnasty chapped lips. I just did all your future smooches a favor. You can thank me later.”

Please note, a day after this happened, Howard bought me EIGHT sticks of lip balm.

Chapter Text

A week passes, and no word from Seth. Also, Howard never got the new Grave Puncher in the mail and he still hasn’t done anything about it. More importantly, I’ve fought a McFist robot every day, and I have no idea what’s going on.

Anywhere between 9am and 1am, I’ve had to slip out of wherever I was to save the day. They’ve all been robots I’ve fought before, too. Sometimes, I don’t even think they’re all programed correctly. Two of them were just idling in weird places, one spoke Korean, and another moved like a defunct Whoopee World animatronic.

I think McFist’s trying to tire me out, and much to my dismay, it’s working. I’ve never used this much Cold-Caliente in a week before and now I’m out. Completely.

Everything hurts, especially my knees – the right one in particular. I’ve done the Art of Healing on myself so much, it feels like I’m numb to it. It’s healing cuts, gashes, and broken bones but not my wonked up knees. I’d ask First Ninja what’s going on but I haven’t been able to find him when I shloomp into the Nomicon. It’s like he went on vacation.

The only new thing the Nomicon’s told me recently was a vague poem:

“Storms fade with time, surely always to end.

Damage runs amuck and to that we tend.

The tall pine draws the lightning, always struck,

Old and withered, unable to heal.

Take a rest, dear friend,

Before you meet your untimely end.”

Riddles I can deal with, but poems are far out of my capabilities. First Ninja talked in riddles, not poems. I’d love to know which past Ninja was a poetry dweeb. How dare he have a say in the lessons.

And if I may, what a lazy rhyming scheme. A, A, B, C, A, A? Really?

If you’re gonna give me poetry, make it rhyme all the way.

It’s a rainy Friday night, and I’ve already fought the robot for the day. Howard and I are hanging out in my room after dinner. We’re taking a comic break in between video games.

The world thunders outside my window, rain tapping against the glass like its frantically trying to get an elevator to close. One of my knees aches in time with a flash of lightning. Grabbing it, I grit my teeth and try not to swear.

Howard briefly peers over his comic. We’ve taken up residence on my sofa. He’s propped up against one arm of it and me against the opposite. “Arthritis,” he says, “I’m telling you it’s arthritis.”

“It can’t be. I’m 15. That’s not how it works.”

“That’s not how it works. My mom’s had arthritis since she was 14. It’s worse now, but that’s also why she’s trying to get us to eat healthier as a household.” He reaches for a handful of pretzels without looking. “If she loses some weight, it might ease up.”

I roll my eyes. “Well, your mom isn’t my mom.”

“You can’t prove that.”

I hear footsteps in the hallway and then a knock at my door. “You boys awake in there?” my mom asks softly.

“Yeah. Door’s open,” I answer.

Mom comes in, cheery and holding a plate of sliced cucumbers. She places it on my coffee table along with a couple of salad dressing bottles hidden in the crook of her arm. “I thought you two could use an extra snack.”

“Thanks, Mrs. C!” Howard chirps, immediately grabbing three slices and popping them in his mouth. I try to reach for some, too, but my knee twinges again.

“Oh, sweetie, did you sprain something?” Mom asks, worry in her eyes.

“Arthritis,” Howard says again.

I grumble before deflecting, “It’s not arthritis.”

Mom sighs, pushing a long strand of hair behind her ear. “Between me and your father, it’s probably arthritis.” She shoves her hands in her pockets. “I’ve got it in my right knee and your father has it in his left knee. We didn’t start with ours until our early thirties, though. You’ve got a head start.”

“Greeaat,” I whisper not-so-whispery.

“I’ll pick up some more Cold-Caliente and GwenGay at the store. No big deal.” As she heads for the door, she adds, “We’ll have to bring it up at your next physical. Dr. Sam might have something up his sleeve for you.”

After she closes the door and walks away, I deadpan, “I hate Dr. Sam. He’s a lunatic.”

Howard shrugs nonchalantly. “One: told you so. Two: Dr. Sam always gives me a lollipop, so I dunno what you’re talking about.”

I sink into my seat, comic book against my chest. I’m annoyed in like three different ways right now.

Mid-cucumber, Howard changes the topic. “By the way, I might’ve mentioned in proximity to Mort that you’re on the market again.”

“Did you – ”

“No, I’m not stupid,” he interrupts. “Listen, Mort knows someone at McIndustries with a daughter looking for a date. She’s trans, so she’s kinda scared to get out there, but I let Mort know you’re cool with that.”

My eyes widen. “What?”

“You’ve got a date tomorrow night. 5pm, candle lit dinner at some snooty restaurant her parents are paying for. One catch: one of your parents has to chaperone with one of her parents.”

“Howard,” I snap.

He makes low-effort eye contact and eats another cucumber. “Hm?”

“You can’t just do that.”

“Get you a date?”

I drop one of my hands against the couch. “I’m dating Seth!”

Howard shakes his head. “You’re on a break with no defined boundaries. He won’t even text you back.”

“I told you I didn’t want to date around.”

“Then why’d you kiss me?”

I stand my ground. “That’s different.”

Howard raises an eyebrow, his expression otherwise unmoved. “Explain.”

I open my mouth to explain, but I can’t. That was a mutual, agreed on act between us. Seth and I are on a break, so it doesn’t… Hm, it’s not really different, is it?

“I rest my case,” Howard brags. He blows a raspberry at me and resumes reading his comic book. I, on the other hand, continue to lay here. I’m annoyed in four different ways now. If Howard doesn’t give me more leg room soon, it’s gonna be five.

Chapter Text

Mom lets me drive to this girl’s – Iris’ house. I won’t drive us to the restaurant but it’s good practice – especially since her house is an hour or so away from ours. Mom’s got the bouquet for her in her lap. I want to make sure she feels comfortable on her first date.

I don’t know that I’m comfortable about this, though. I wish Howard would ask me before he does something like this. Arguably, he’s a great wingman but I don’t think it’d hurt if I had a say in these things. I didn’t even get to pick out my own date shirt for this.

Mom bought me a stack of date shirts after I met Seth the first time. To be fair, my normal wardrobe isn’t very date-y. Tonight, I’ve got a two-tone button up on beneath a brown jacket. My left side is strawberry pink with white clouds and the right is plain black. I feel kinda silly in it but it’s also kinda nice.

When we pull up to the house – an extravagant two-story with one of those castle-looking column sections in the front – and I notice I’m shaking a little. Mom notices, too. “Oh, honey.” She puts a concerned hand on my shoulder. “I thought you were comfortable driving now.”

“I am. It’s just I’m not sure about…this. I feel like I’m cheating on Seth.”

Mom shakes her head with a gentle smile. “By the sounds of it, you two broke up. You shouldn’t worry. Even if you see him again, he’ll just have to deal with it. For all you know, he’s seeing other people, too.”

I sigh. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I turn to her, brow scrunched and smile trying, and say, “Dating’s weird.”

“Tch, you’re telling me. You should hear what it was like dating your father.” She gives me a playful nudge and gets out of the car. I follow her, taking the bouquet and approaching the front door.

I take a deep breath and give the door, which has a ridiculously fancy, stained glass window on it, a solid knock.

“Hun, there’s a doorbell,” Mom whispers.

I hear footsteps come up to the door. “Too late, too late,” I whisper back quickly. The door swings open but no one’s there.

“You’re not the pizza man,” a small voice says. I look down to see a little girl in a rainbow tutu. She’s holding a stuffed dinosaur in her arm.

“Lucinda!” A man scoops her up in his arms. “What’ve I said about answering the door?”

“You said we were ordering pizza!” she asserts.

The man lolls his head to the side. “I said we’re not ordering pizza.”

“Nuh-uh!”

He sighs and moves her under his arm like a football. She giggles the entire time. “I’m so sorry. You must be Randy and,” he gestures to Mom.

“Catherine,” she answers, surely nodding politely.

He nods back, the braids on his head bouncing a little. This guy’s kinda buff. He’s almost shaped-like-a-tortilla-chip buff. “I’m Kelvin. My husband will be going with you. I’ve gotta watch this little rascal and her big sister.” He pokes Lucinda, making her giggle more. He signals for us to wait a moment before turning towards the…what is this – a foyer? “Willie, Iris, your dates are here!” he shouts.

A girl appears down the hallway first. Her hair’s up in two round poofs on either side of her head with two braids framing her face. She’s wearing an off-the-shoulder dress with extra billowy arms. It cinches at the waist with a thin belt, separating the pirate shirt-esque top from the regular flowy skirt. The entire dress is white with a big purple flower pattern. It compliments her dark skin tone beautifully.

She meets my eyes for a second and turns around. “I can’t, I can’t,” she says hastily to someone through an open archway.

“Baby, it’s okay. You look beautiful,” Kelvin tries to assure her from the door.

Iris gives him a stressed look before turning back to whoever else she’s talking to.

Her father gives us a sympathetic smile. “She’s a bit shy at first. This is her first date.”

Mom grabs my shoulders and leans her head on mine. “Aw, that’s okay. This guy’s the same way. You should see him when he’s flustered! He’s so cute!”

“Mom,” I say under my breath.

“Shush, you’re cute and you know it!”

Oh my cheese, I think. Howard, this is your fault.

Soon, Iris is coming back down the hall. Halfway through, she looks back until another man emerges from – oh, nonono. A tall, thin man follows her. He sports a familiar pair of purple glasses with a purple polo shirt to match. He carries himself proudly and with a certain amount of authority I’m sure is supposed to scare me.

I gulp. I’m petrified.

I’m going on a date with Viceroy’s daughter. Viceroy, the brains of McFist’s quest to destroy the Ninja. Viceroy, the man who’s drag persona is said Ninja. Viceroy, the man who would probably make me disappear for merely upsetting his daughter.

Iris meets me in the doorway, anxiety all over her face. “Um, hi,” she says quietly.

“Hey,” I say back, my voice cracking halfway through. I clear my throat. “These are for you.” I offer her the bouquet, a collection of pink and purple carnations with those little white flower clusters to accent them. I think they’re baby’s breath or something.

She takes them gingerly, eyes sparkling. “Thank you. That’s so sweet!”

“Of course. And, um, you do look very beautiful. That dress is stunning.”

Iris smiles wide, turning to Viceroy. He smiles back, but once she looks at me again, he glares at me. “Randy, is it?” he asks.

I nod.

“You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?”

I feel myself start to sweat but I recover quickly. “Maybe, sir. You’re Mr. McFist’s head scientist, right? I go to school with his son and I’ve been to a couple of his birthday parties.” I can’t believe I just said “Mister” in front of “McFist.” He doesn’t deserve that kind of formality.

Viceroy squints at me suspiciously before shrugging it off. “Yeah, that sounds right.” He grabs two jackets from an unseen coat rack, one for him and one for Iris. He and his husband exchange a kiss before we go.

Then I have to sit in the back of Viceroy’s fancy-but-sensible car next to his daughter. I still feel too awkward to talk to her. I almost don’t know how. One wrong move and Viceroy will eviscerate me. He already did the “I’m watching you” point at me before we got into his car.

Mom’s striking up a conversation with Viceroy during the ride. It’s weird to hear her call him “Willem” and its extra weird for him to her by name. They’re getting along really well, so that’s good. It sounds like they watch a lot of the same soap operas and true crime shows.

“So, Randy,” Iris pipes up, “what’s your big goal in life?”

I blank immediately. “Uh, I don’t know that I have one. I like to live in the moment. Thinking about the future too much makes me anxious.”

“Oh.”

Really? You’re gonna judge me, I think spitefully, but one of your dads is an evil scientist?

She changes the subject, and I die a little inside. We end up talking about how bruce Brock Octane’s newest movie is. At least we can agree that.

At the restaurant, Mom and Viceroy sit diagonally from us. They also sit at a weird angle so either of them can look over at us without straining their necks. Iris seems super nice but I’m not thrilled to be here.

When we got out of the car, Viceroy pulled me aside and threatened me. I can appreciate that he’s trying to protect his daughter but I don’t think hanging the threat of a very detailed murder over my head was necessary.

I try to focus on the date. I’ve already decided this won’t be long-term anything. This is one date. There will be only one date, but Iris still deserves to have a nice time. Not to mention, I doubt I’ll ever eat here again in my lifetime.

This restaurant is in a series of big circles stacked atop one another with an orchestra pit at its center. There’s a humongous chandelier above the pit, and the entire place smells like roses. This is ridiculously fancy. I guess Viceroy gets paid well and then some.

“Okay, I know you said you’re an in-the-moment kind of guy, but I think I have my life pretty figured out,” Iris says proudly. I think the Brock Octane conversation made her feel really comfortable with me. “I’m finishing high school early and starting college during what should be my senior year. In between, I’m gonna get the surgical side of my transition done and I’ll have some time to relax.”

I try to say something but Iris isn’t done.

“So, I’m going to get my gen ed. credits first, and then I’m going to transfer to Mad Scientist University, just like my stepdad did. I’ll study – ”

“Wait, I’m sorry,” I interrupt as politely as I can, “did you say ‘Mad Scientist’?”

“Yeah, of course. What’s wrong with that? Don’t you think there should be more women in STEM?” she asks innocently.

I don’t know what “STEM” is but I answer anyway. “There totally should be but I don’t know that there needs to be any more people in…Evil STEM.”

Iris scoffs, tracing the rim of her water-filled wine glass with her finger. It rings a little while she does so. “The number of women in Normie STEM is already wildly disproportionate to the number of men. You should see the numbers for Evil STEM. There are like three women total.”

I maintain a kind but confused smile. “What would you want to do with your degree?”

She shrugs, the freckles on her shoulders catching my eye for a moment. “It sounds silly, but I want to weaponize horses.”

My head tilts involuntarily. “Hasn’t that already been done? Like when people rode horses into war?” I ask.

“No, silly, that’s not what I mean. Horses are already huge, powerful creatures. If we really want to utilize them, we need to modify them.”

My mouth opens but nothing comes out. I don’t think Iris notices.

“That’s right! Genetically engineered and selectively bred, perfected horses. It’ll be hard to further perfect what’s already perfect but I can do it.” She smiles sweetly like what she’s saying isn’t insane. “You won’t believe this: I’m already working on my thesis!”

“That’s neat,” I say, unable to say much else. “What’s it about…or on?”

“Prehistorically speaking, horses used to be very small. As time goes on, they’ve evolved to be much larger. What I’m looking to do is remove those prehistoric genes from modern horses – like how humans have varying amounts of caveman genes leftover in their DNA – so the species can continue to increase in size at a substantial but life-sustaining rate. I also have to figure out the logistics of that, though. If I make a big horse bigger, will its lifespan be shorter than average? Who’s knows? I don’t but I will one day!”

She’s so excited about this but I’m half horrified and half zoned out. I will myself to pay attention and continue the conversation. “How exactly are you working on that now? Does your family own a farm somewhere?” I ask. I hope these are good questions.

“So,” Iris giggles and leans in, ushering me to do the same, “you know how the Ninja fought that mutant rat in town that one time? Well – and don’t tell anyone; this is a huge, huge secret – my stepdad is part of an elite team working to destroy the Ninja.”

I nod, but I make sure my face says I don’t quite believe her.

“He’s letting me help make the next beast. It’s gonna be this terrifying Shire Horse, which is bigger than a Clydesdale and is actually at risk of going extinct, and it’s gonna be the one to finally destroy the Ninja!”

Oh no, I think, almost saying it aloud.

We both sit back down as a waiter delivers us our meals. While he’s saying some waiter stuff, I toss my mom a horrified glance. She catches it so quickly. She’s my favorite mom.

Once the waiter leaves, I can’t help myself from asking, “You wanna destroy the Ninja?”

“Well, of course!” Iris exclaims like that’s a normal thing to want. “He’s 800 years old! I want to dissect him and see what makes him tick. No human being should live to be 800. He’s either hiding the secret to immortality or he’s some kind of supernatural entity.” She sprinkles parmesan on her pasta, adding, “Or he’s an alien. Who knows? I don’t but I will someday!”

Before I can even consider touching my silverware, Iris makes sure I know that her dissecting the Ninja would be a big help with her thesis. I make eye contact with Mom again and shake my head ever so slightly.

We get back to the Williams-Viceroy residence an hour or so later. Iris thanks me for a nice time, complimenting me on being such a good listener. I thank her and tell her she has a very beautiful mind full of beautiful ideas.

Mom and Viceroy slip inside for some private parent talk, letting us have one last moment to ourselves. “So, Randy,” Iris asks warmly, “do you think you’d want to go out again sometime?”

I make my answer very apparent by breaking eye contact and opening my mouth to a lot of nothing. I clear my throat, carefully building my response in my mind. “Listen, Iris, you’re an amazing person but I don’t think we really click. You’re really smart and you’ve got big dreams. I’m a C+ student with nothing on his mind. I don’t want to hold you back.”

She looks disappointed at first but nods. “Yeah, I don’t think I can be with someone who isn’t trying to climb the ladder of life like I am. You’re sweet and all, but a C+ average? Not for my future husband.”

We’re able to laugh about it. I’m glad she took it so well, and I’m hoping this means Viceroy isn’t going to make me disappear in the next 48 hours.

“Thanks for giving me a chance, by the way.” Iris gives me a quick peck on the cheek. I feel my face flush. “Aw, you are cute when you’re flustered!”

We say our final goodbyes, and Mom and I leave. I’m not great at driving in the dark yet, so Mom takes the wheel. I’m also not in the mood to drive right now. Once we’re out of sight of Viceroy and Iris, I sink in the passenger seat.

“That bad?” Mom asks.

“She’s nuts.”

“How nuts?”

“She wants to weaponize horses,” I take a shaky breath, “and she wants to destroy and dissect the Ninja.”

Mom stifles a laugh. “I’m sorry – ‘weaponize horses’?”

“Her words exactly.”

“Good thing Willem doesn’t want her dating a C+ average student.”

I scooch back up in my seat and laugh. “Good. She didn’t wanna date one either.”

Chapter Text

I call Howard as soon as I get home. “Dude, you could’ve told me Iris is Viceroy’s stepdaughter! A warning would’ve been nice.”

He doesn’t answer right away. I think he was napping. “Iris is who’s what?” he asks, the sleep heavy in his voice.

“Iris Williams-Viceroy. Viceroy’s stepdaughter,” I clarify.

Shuffling blanket noises come from Howard’s end. He groans and yawns before speaking again. “You’re lucky I knew her first name. I didn’t know they were related.”

“You follow Viceroy on BuddyBook.”

“So?”

I blink. There was no reason for this conversation. “Go back to bed, Howard.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” Howard sniffles loudly. “I think I’m getting sick. You probably won’t see me Monday.”

We make a small exchange regarding his symptoms. It’s probably just a cold but he has to be dramatic about it. “Do me a favor, Cunningham. When they ask you to take homework home for me, act like you’ve never heard of me.”

“They’re gonna ask Heidi, not me. Also no.”

“She’s gonna be harder to convince. Wonked.”

“Wonked indeed, dear friend. Wonked indeed.”

I’m on edge for a while after the date with Iris. These stank beasts tend to appear when I’m knee deep in personal business or Ninja business. I don’t know how to fight a horse, let alone a stanked horse.

Nothing happens during school, nothing happens when I linger outside on the school steps, and nothing happens when I decide to take an alternative route home. I haven’t seen a robot since Friday and now McFist is stalling – heheh, get it? – with this stank horse. I could go on patrol until dinner but my knees are achy. Riding my bike around is enough for me today.

Before I head home, I want to make a little stop. If Seth is really as busy as he claims, he shouldn’t be at the skate park.

I ride through the gate enough to get a good look around. He’s definitely not here. You know what is here, though? A sudden and very painful twinge in my knee! I am in pain!

I manage to get over to a picnic table and sit down. I let my bike lean against the table and drop my satchel and helmet next to it. A roll-on stick of Cold-Caliente is in my bag, but I’m a little embarrassed to get it out in a place full of other teenagers. It doesn’t smell great and frankly I shouldn’t need it. I do need it, clearly, but your boy here is stubborn.

I’ll just awkwardly rub my knee until the pain eases up. This isn’t an all the time thing, but when it strikes, it means it.

In the meantime, I look at my phone, I people watch, and I have a little snack. While I’m munching on some pretzels, some rollerbladers catch my attention. They’re so talented, I’m a little jealous. They all look like naturals.

Thump!

Except for that kid. That’s the second time she’s fallen into the bushes in the last ten minutes. This is better than TV!

Two pretzels in my mouth, I accidentally make eye contact with someone. He does this fanciful twist, his curls flying elegantly with him. He’s laughing, and he’s really cute. By chance, he looks up and sees me seeing him. I look away as quickly as I can. I’m just gonna look at the ground now.

Wheels roll across the concrete in my direction. Act like a person, I tell myself.

“Hey, what’re you doing all by yourself over here? You okay?” he asks. His voice is so warm and soft and smooth.

“Me?” I say as if there are twelve people over here. “Yeah, I’m good. Just hanging out.”

The skater chuckles. “Alright, well, I’m Junpei.”

I gasp. “That’s a beautiful name!”

“Thank you! What’s yours?”

“Oh, I, uh. My name’s a lot less impressive. I’m Randy.”

Junpei laughs. “No, that’s still cute!”

“Eh, well. I guess.” We both go quiet for a moment while we just smile at each other. I cough and try to hold a conversation. “How long have you been skating? You’re really good at it.”

“Eight years now. My mom was in a roller derby team in college, and she wanted me to carry her legacy. I’m not a big contact sports guy, so it’s just kind of a thing I do,” he explains.

“That’s so bruce.”

Junpei hides a smile behind the sleeve of his blush pink cardigan. He leans an elbow on the table and props his chin on his sleeved fist. “Are you doing anything later this week?” he asks.

I blink.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Junpei backtracks “Are you not…?”

“No! No, I mean I am. I just didn’t realize this was happening,” I say. I was already admiring him; I don’t know why I didn’t make the connection. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea, though.”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m on a break with my boyfriend. I don’t really want to date around.” I pause. Maybe I should move on. “I’m not sure I want to get back together with him, though. He’s not great.”

“Do you wanna swap numbers if things fall through? Or if you just want a friend?” he offers.

I think against it for a second. Then I think against thinking against it. “Yeah, totally.” We exchange phones, putting our numbers into each other’s contacts. “Head’s up, though, you should text me first if you wanna talk. I’m not great at first texts. I’m easily flustered.”

“You’re not flustered now,” he points out.

“I thought we were having a platonic interaction. If this was something flirty, then you’d see it.” I shouldn’t have said that. Who lets me say things?

Junpei thinks for a moment. “You’ve got a smile that could light up a room.”

The heat rises in my cheeks and my smile somehow grows wider. “W-well, I don’t – you. Heheh. You’re, you – heheh! H-hi. I’m…I’m…Randy.”

Junpei laughs the most beautiful laugh. He pushes himself off the bench, hands in his pockets. “I’ll text you later. I hope we can meet again soon.” He waves and skates away backwards. I look on, brain empty, heart fluttering, and wave back.

Chapter Text

If this was a TV show, that would’ve been the perfect moment to fade to black and roll the credits. I can’t imagine anything better.

THOOM. THOOM.

“NEEEIIIGH!”

THOOM. THOOM.

I can imagine worse things – this specifically.

I slather on as much Cold-Caliente as I can and bolt. The horse beast towers over a majority of the buildings, and it’s heading towards some taller sky scrapers at the city’s center. I don’t know how far I can get on my bike, but judging by everyone running in the opposite direction, I’m on the right path.

My front wheel wobbles violently after hitting a pothole. I try to keep going but after hitting another pothole, the wheel dislodges and bounces into the sky. By leaning back for a would-be-wheelie, I avoid getting any road rash. I drop what’s left of my bike and ditch my helmet. If I have to make the rest of this journey on foot, I need to Ninja up.

Perched atop some insurance building, I get a good look at this thing. It’s dark green with a stank green, gooey mane and tail. Every step it takes with its giant, black hooves creates huge craters in the road. Abandoned cars are crushed easily beneath its weight, and any traffic lights are dutifully ignored and destroyed.

The beast isn’t in any hurry, and it doesn’t stray from its path. A pair of horns curl onto either side of its head, creating organic blinders. Maybe it has an objective outside killing me.

I bound from building to building until I’m ahead of the beast. It doesn’t see me until I plant myself on a tall, ornate fountain. I get a Droplet of Humanity out and hide it behind my back. “Time to rein it in, big guy. You’re not being a good neigh-bor to Norrisville.”

The beast whinnies, rearing up and clawing at the air with its hooves. When it reconnects with the ground, an earthquake overtakes the area. I hear several buildings collapse around us. We aren’t on a fault line around here; these structures aren’t built to withstand this type of destruction.

I struggle to stay on the fountain but I manage. It’s even harder when the beast stampedes in my direction. Each gallop causes an overly aggressive aftershock.

“I’m done foaling around.” I spring into the air, giving myself a moment to connect with the Droplet. I wing it as hard as I can, a blue streak streaming off of it.

It connects with the horse’s chest and erupts into blue flames. It rears back again, the flames engulfing it instantly. The flames go white, accumulating into a solid white beam piercing the sky. I shield my eyes until I see the energy bloop away like before, akin to a lava lamp but more mystical.

Left behind on the ground is a bundle of horse hair, manure, nonspecific loose meat, and a collection of bottled chemicals – all of which are encased in a green cloud. The stank shoots out from them, flying directly back to McFist’s stupid shoob pyramid.

I smile beneath the Ninja mask. That required almost no effort.

I’ve also ruined Iris’ thesis.

Neat!

Chapter Text

When I get home, busted bike in tow, I get a text from Junpei: “Are you safe? That thing came out of nowhere!”

I smile. He’s so sweet.

Me: Yeah, I’m good. You okay? I didn’t see you take off.

Junpei: Yep! Horses kinda freak me out. They’re so big already and we just act like that’s normal. Who let horses get so big?

Me: Evolution? Breeding?

Junpei: Eh, that doesn’t justify it. They’re just too big.

Me: Wait, how do you feel about elephants then? Or whales?

Junpei: Those are wild animals. Humans don’t selectively breed wild animals to make them bigger. Those are naturally humongous. Horses are engineered somehow, I’m sure of it.

I laugh, crinkled bike tire in hand. I toss it into the garage next to my bike frame. I’ll Ninja Heal it later when I’ve got the energy for it. I take a seat at Dad’s workbench and keep texting Junpei. He’s so funny and down to Earth.

Then…Seth texts me.

Seth: hey u down for a date this friday? im almost done w/ all my personal stuff

I grit my teeth. I don’t want to answer him, but I have to get this out of the way.

Me: Not really but we need to talk.

Seth: k

My disdain for that man grows stronger every day.

My weekend is a blur. I can’t get away from Seth. When we met up to “talk,” he took me out to dinner and paid for the whole thing. I couldn’t get a word in conversation-wise. If I did manage to say something, he glossed over it and changed the topic.

He also smells like fish ten times stronger than before. If I wasn’t trying to break up with him, I’d buy him some cologne. The worst part? He convinced me to swap hoodies on Sunday and like a shoob, I wore it to school.

Howard doesn’t even get within five feet of me. “Oh cheese, Cunningham! Why do you smell like that?”

“Seth’s hoodie,” I deadpan. I hate it, too.

“Schnasty! Take it off!” He takes a step back and gags.

I sigh, closing my locker. “It doesn’t matter if I take it off or not. I just smell like this now. It’s permeated straight to my bones.”

“Why the juice does he smell like that?”

“I don’t know! He’s a fisherman. I guess it just happens.” I shove my hand in one of the pockets and freeze. Slowly, I pull out a handful of fish scales. “I’m gonna be sick,” I groan.

Howard shakes his head and backs away from me. I wish I could back away from me, too.

Unable to smell like anything other than trout, I sit by myself at lunch. Howard’s off sitting with Pradeep, Accordion Dave, and Rachel. Any tables around mine have scooched back a considerable amount to continue avoiding me.

I try texting Junpei but he must be in class. He lives just outside our school district. It’s kind of a shame but at least he doesn’t have to smell me.

A bag of cheese puffs nails me in the back of the head. I spin around to find the culprit. It’s Howard. He winks at me and blows me a kiss.

I grab the bag and flip him off. I’m not terribly in the mood for our bromance right now.

As I dig into my free snack, I swear I feel the floor quiver beneath my sneakers. The cafeteria’s usual jabber lowers to confused whispers. I go on high alert; it’s not just me.

The main doors bust open, Principal Slimovitz making a panicked entrance. He’s out of breath, fear plastered over his features. “EVACUATE! THE – oh, what is that smell?”

Every person in the room points at me.

Why?

PSlimz shudders before going back to yelling, “EVACUATE! THE LARUSSO SHARK IS ONE OF THOSE BEASTS!”

Students abandon their tables and belongings, racing for the doors.

“LIKE WE PRACTICED! THROUGH THE FRONT ENTERANCE! GO, GO, GO!”

I bust through the closest window, bent on ending this quickly.

“RANDY, NOT –” PSlimz starts to yell. “Oh, never mind. GET SOMEWHERE SAFE!”

I race to the back of the school, staying close to the windows so no one can see me running towards the danger. I pop in and out of a bush, seamlessly becoming the Ninja.

The ground shakes beneath me as I race to the lake. When it comes into view, I freeze. The giant shark monster in Lake LaRusso was created by McFist and Viceroy to cause havoc. It’s called the Shark-Dermanator and besides being bipedal and semiaquatic, the big thing about it is its aggressively dry skin. It’s perfectly content in the water, but on dry land, it goes into an endless rage.

It’s been stanked but I’m not sure if it’s regular stanked or genetically stanked. It’s twice as large as before. Its skin is cracked beyond the help of the water. Beneath the cracks, a green glow emerges. Its eyes glow green to match, and the expression on its face (if you could even call it an expression; it’s a shark) is distressed and pained.

The overflowing water from the lake rushes across the ground. Even at my distance, it meets me, flowing past my ankles.

“I’ll make this quick, big guy.” I start treading water only to stop again.

The Shark-Dermanator throws its head back and roars. I cover my ears but not to much avail. The school’s windows shatter behind me. I stand my ground and keep my eyes on the enemy. The glow beneath the cracks shines brighter, more concentrated. Eventually, the grey skin breaks and shoots off in every direction. Ears still covered, I dodge a particularly large slab shot towards me.

In the beast’s place is an entity entirely made of stank. It has no features; it’s just semi-solid stank in the shape of this shark monster. Stank goop leaks from its legs, spreading into the water and contaminating it quickly. I smoke bomb onto the school roof to avoid it. Who knows what’ll happen if that touches someone.

I can tell you what it’s doing to the fish in the lake. One by one, they raise out of the water like zombies in a mediocre horror movie. They’re bipedal with human arms, just like the shark beast.

Plan, plan, plan. I need a plan.

The plants around the school grow and stretch at a freakish rate. I can’t let the stank water go any further than this. While I try to keep an eye on literally everything, I recite the Earth Attack spell, raising walls of dirt and rock as high as I can around the school grounds.

“Okay, okay. Water trapped. Defeat…whatever the juice this is,” I say to myself.

As the shark beast meanders towards me, I do the only thing I can think to do. I grab a Droplet, go through the motions, and hurl it into the beast. I did it correctly, but once it hits the stank, it sinks into the beast and nothing happens. “H’oh boy.” I reach into the Ninja Baggie and grab my last Droplet. As soon as it’s in my hand, I drop it.

A vine tries to snatch it but I summon a sai and stab it into the concrete. I scoop the Droplet back up and discover a huge crack in it, blue fire sneaking through it. Before I have time to think anything, more vines and articulated branches launch themselves at me. I use a single kama, a close combat scythe, to ward them off.

Panic builds inside me but I can handle this. I can handle this.

I gasp, “Ninja Plan Breakthrough!”

I toss the Droplet into the air, and grab another kama, cutting the plants back further. I need a little space, which won’t be easy with the stank fish scaling the building.

Ignoring the newest threat, I drop both kamas and catch the Droplet. “Ninja Tengu Fire of Humanity!” The Ninja suit turns red, Tengu energy overtaking it. Once it reaches my raised hand, the Droplet shatters. The fire within it mixes with the Tengu fire, turning the Ninja suit a deep purple and warping any fire I wield into a rich purple, accented with green flecks.

This power… It’s hot, it’s electric, it’s potent – it’s tremendous. If I’m not careful, I could lose myself to it. I have to act fast.

I crack my neck. “Who’s the apex predator now?”

My feet leave the ground and I rocket towards the beast, piercing its chest and retrieving the other Droplet. It shatters instantly in my grip, stoking the fire further.

The stank beast pushes onwards, unbothered and set on its path. It won’t get far. I hold out a single hand, commanding the fire into a concentrated blast. It overtakes the beast and spreads to the lake and eventually the entire area I’ve closed off. As the purple and green fire rages on, I lift my other arm, upturning both palms to the sky. White energy overtakes it all, shooting into the sky, shadowing the sun with its brightness.

Once I feel the stank’s vile nature diminish, I let the cleansing light go, allowing it to fade and disappear. Before I can take in the scene, my vision goes black and I feel the fire within me extinguish.

My eyes open to a blue sky, the clouds blurred and doubled. I hear a voice but it’s distant and echoed. If this person gives me a minute, I’ll be –

SLAP!

I sit up instantly, half panicked and completely confused. “I’m up! I’m up!”

I’m sitting in the sand on the far edge of Lake LaRusso, facing the back of the school. I’m surprised to see everything’s fine – perfect even. No stanked plants, no stanked fish or shark monster. On the other side of the lake, I spot the clean-up crew that tends to tidy up any damages done by the battle of the week…or of the day.

A pair of arms wrap around me. I’m confused until I realize it’s Howard. “Dude, I thought you honkin’ died!” he exclaims.

I can’t return the hug from this position, so I offer an arm pat in return. “Me too, buddy. I think I overdid it.”

“Probably but,” Howard lets go of me and throw his arms in the air, shouting, “THAT WAS THE BRUCEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN!”

“And it worked,” I awe with a sigh of relief.

“It more than worked! Look over there!” Howard points to the clean-up crew. A few people are picking up dead fish off the ground. When I purified everything, the fish must’ve destanked where they stood and reverse drowned (is that how fish work?) before anyone got to them.

The next thing I notice is a crane next to a truck – a truck with a big tank of water on its trailer. In that water is a small shark, swimming in circles behind the glass. My eyes widen. I turned that monstrosity back into a regular shark.

Howard nudges me two or three times. “Lake LaRusso is safe to swim in again!”

I crinkle my nose. “Aren’t there leeches in this lake?”

My best friend shrugs. “At least there’s no shark.”

“Fair.”

We both go quiet, a comfortable silence settling between us. I let my eyes close and lean back on my hands. Maybe now the Nomicon will tell me something useful. Fully harnessing the power of the Droplets of Humanity and combing it with Tengu fire has to count for something. If it doesn’t, I need to file a complaint somewhere.

Screaming forces my eyes open. “Now what?” From my seat, I can see a speck flying over the city. I’m baffled until fire bursts out of it like a hose.

Great. Twice in one day.

I stand up and dust myself off. “Go home,” I tell Howard, “and tell my parents I’m at your house. Be careful.”

He quickly stands, too. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“I have to be.”

Chapter Text

McFist and Viceroy stand side-by-side at the massive screen in McFist’s office, slack jawed and speechless. Viceroy flew into a fit of rage when the Ninja destroyed a vital piece of his stepdaughter’s thesis. In the spirit of revenge, the Shark-Dermanator’s stank-modification was finished and executed in a much smaller time window than previously planned.

The Ninja destanked the horse beast with no effort.

The Ninja destanked the shark beast with an unimaginable display of power.

“What the hell just happened?” McFist says, finally breaking the silence.

Viceroy slowly shakes his head. “I don’t know, sir. I just…don’t know.”

“Could…could he always do that?”

“I don’t think so.”

The gazillionaire grimaces. “Maybe we should’ve followed the original plan.”

“I don’t think it would’ve made a difference. We need to regroup,” the scientist says slowly. The McFist Pad in his lab coat dings. “We need to…uh oh.”

“Uh oh? What uh oh?”

Viceroy skims the email again. “The stank didn’t come back.”

“WHAT?!” McFist rakes down his mustache, terror in his eyes. “How much did we lose? Wh-what’s left?”

“Seven.”

“WE LOST SEVEN OF THOSE THINGS?” McFist shouts, his fingers buried in his hair. He falls to his knees, starting a sputter of incoherent noises.

“Sir. Sir!”

His boss falls forward on the ground in defeat. A pillow catches his face, curtesy of a nearby Robo-Ape.

“HANNIBAL!”

McFist pushes himself off the floor. “Do you mind? I’m having a nervous breakdown over here!” he snaps.

Viceroy flips the device in his hands and points to a picture attached to the email. Ten green orbs sit in a secure McFlexiglass box. Seven glow brightly with stank, two are empty spheres, and one is missing from its spot. “We have seven left. We lost two and one is in use,” he explains, bordering on sounding annoyed.

“Oh.” McFist stands, kicks the pillow out of view, and coughs. “Of course. I knew that.”

The scientist ignores him. He holds the McFist Pad at this side, the email no longer vital to the conversation. “Whatever the Ninja did purified the stank. What we have left is it.”

“Why that no good Ninja,” McFist mutters. He sighs. “Why did that purify the stank and not the other, uh, incident?”

“Whatever he did this time was more concentrated and intense. He added his own power to it, too, so there’s that.” Viceroy rewinds the video on the screen. A cloaked McFist drone was able to capture a majority of the action, so they have access to the moment the Ninja combined the Tengu Fire and the Fire of Humanity.

“What’s that blue thing? Some kinda Ninja magic?” McFist asks.

“Possibly? We don’t have enough information about Ninja anything to really know what’s going on. We’ve got Chaos Pearls. That’s it.”

“Ugh, this sucks.”

“You ain’t tellin’ me nothing I don’t know.” Viceroy changes the video feed back to the live footage. It shows the shark and the many fish flopping on the ground, and it shows the Ninja unconscious by the lakeside.

McFist points at the screen enthusiastically. “Ooo! Maybe he’s dead!”

“Doubt it. That guy doesn’t know when to quit. He’s been around for eight centuries; why die now?” Viceroy muses.

The gazillionaire grumbles and thinks for a moment, hands folded behind his back. He hums a note. “Is it ready?” he asks gravely.

“O.D.E.T.N.? We’re definitely ready for a test run.”

McFist nods. “Excellent. Now’s the perfect time to do it.”

Viceroy nods back and makes a phone call.

Chapter Text

I make it into town and spot the newest threat. From behind an air conditioning unit on an apartment building, I study whatever and…whoever this is. At its core, this is a person. I don’t think I can kill a person the same way I’ve been killing the stank beasts. Those are highly mutated creatures built from piles of garbage. This is some dude in a sleek jumpsuit and a skiing helmet.

With a pair of Ninja binoculars, I get a good look at him. Fair skin with green scales growing out of it, a long spiked tail, and…a very peculiar face. When he turns in my direction, I’m confused to say the least. Fella’s got fangs sticking up from his mouth, and his cheeks are sunken into an unnatural darkness. The reflective visor on the helmet covers his face from the end of his nose and up.

“Is this dude a dragon?” I whisper to myself.

From the school, I saw some kinda flamethrower action going on. Since I got here, there’s been nothing. He’s just floating in midair…

Hey, this guy doesn’t have wings. How’s he doing that?

I take a breath and drop the binoculars back in the Ninja scarf. I’m exhausted but I’m feeling particularly quippy right now. Sinking back into my hiding place, I chuckle, a Ninja Scheme in the works.

I smoke bomb a couple of feet above my enemy, scarf in hand. My feet dig into his back as I pull the scarf tight over this face. He fumbles backwards, kicking the air and clawing at the scarf. “Hey, this is a no flying zone, buddy!”

Fire shoots from his mouth, burning the fabric until it breaks in two. I manage to grab his shoulders but I’m dangling a thousand or so feet off the ground. I let myself slip and produce a chain sickle from my sash. “Let’s ground this conversation, shall we?” I wing the sickle around the guy, trapping his arms at his sides. He involuntarily comes with as I plummet to the Earth.

Not too far from the ground, I whip him beneath me, catapulting him into the asphalt. I manage a decent flip beyond the newest Norrisville pothole. My knees only give me a little trouble, so I’m able to bounce back instantly (mostly).

As the dust settles, I approach the massive crater. “Okay, can we talk this out? You’re all fired up and for what?” I ask, covertly grabbing three Ninja Cold Balls. “If you’ve got beef with me, I’m right here. No need to burn the city to the ground.”

…

Is this guy not gonna banter with me? Or did I knock him out? Maybe that helmet isn’t made to be smashed into the ground like that. I mean, what helmet is?

A heavy force slams against my chest, knocking me off my feet and sliding me along the road. The Dragon – that’s his name now; I don’t think I’m gonna get a word out of him – stands over me, a flaming sword in hand. He raises it over his head, prepared to plunge it into my skull. I trap it above my face with an explosion of ice. “If you’re gonna kill me, at least buy me dinner first,” I quip before heaving the Dragon overtop of me.

I whip the Ninja scarf around his weapon and yoink it out of his hands. It’s his turn to lay on the ground and be threatened by a blade. I hold the sword’s tip to his face. Neither of us make another move, taking the moment to breath and make uncomfortable eye contact.

After a few seconds, I flick my wrist. The sword bounces but there’s no fire. “I don’t know how this thing works,” I say, breathless, “but I’m keeping it.”

I notice the green “M” logo on the left side of his chest. “Listen, man, I don’t know what McFist is offering you but it isn’t worth it. This entire thing is just some petty revenge scheme. You’re better off going home to your gold hoard or whatever.”

The Dragon doesn’t speak. I can’t even be sure he’s looking at me right now.

“Hello? Anyone home?”

Nothing.

Maybe this isn’t a human. Maybe it’s just another garbage pile stacked to look like a human.

The Dragon smirks. I – OH FUCK!

Fire blows in my face and I stumble back, dropping the sword. Guess that won’t be going into the Ninja Arsenal after all.

Before I can get a word in, the Dragon charges me, swinging his sword with determination in my direction. Each motion is swift and purposeful. I dodge each one, eventually drawing my own sword.

CLANG! CLINK! CLANG!

I’m holding my ground, but I have to turn this around somehow.

CLINK! CLANG! CLANG!

If this guy really won’t talk, I’ve got a single ace up my sleeve. “Stay grounded, do not waver. The dirt itself will pay you a favor.” I shove back on the Dragon’s sword and leap back twice, managing a flip in between to get extra distance. “To stop your foes and hold them back. Harness the soil for an Earth Attack.”

A spike of asphalt shoots from the ground, catching the Dragon off guard and slicing his chest. He takes the hit hard, collapsing on his knees. I approach him, quickly kicking his sword away.

His hand pulls away from his chest, covered in dark red blood and liquid stank. They swirl together uneasily. His head jerks up, his body following suit. He snarls, igniting flames in both hands. Smoke fumes from either side of his cheek craters.

Then he just stops. The flames go out, his rage settles. A familiar bubbling starts over the wound. He grabs it immediately while holding a hand to wear his ear should be under the helmet. In an instant, he’s in the air, a trail of fire behind him like a rocket.

I start to pursue him when I remember I can’t fly. That’s a joke...kinda. What really stops me is my right knee fully cramping. Mid stride, I fall and that’s where I stay.

Chapter Text

I travel all the way back to the school for my bike, but when I get there, it’s gone. Howard must’ve taken it home with him…somehow. This wouldn’t be such a problem if I knew the Art of Teleportation but that’s in the Dark Arts section of the Nomicon. I haven’t been there in a while, and I don’t know if it’s been barred off from me or not.

So, I leap and flip all the way back my house. On the roof, I text Howard: I’m home. I’m gonna eat dinner and go to bed.

After I sneak into the garage and desuit, he texts back: You’re gonna go to bed? At 6:30?

Me: I purified stank and I fought a McFist dragon guy. My knees hurt. I’m tired.

Howard: DRAGON?!?!

Me: I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.

I eat dinner, muddle through a conversation with my parents about how scary the beasts were but how bruce the Ninja is and how he makes us feel safe, and then conk out at 6:45. I don’t even touch my homework. I can’t even bring myself to care.

My alarm goes off way too soon. I might’ve slept for twelve hours, give or take, but I could still sleep for a week straight.

After I rub my eyes, a lump on my sofa catches my attention. That wasn’t there yesterday. I let myself wake up a little more and focus my eyes. It’s Howard curled up under a blanket.

In front of him is a collection of papers on the coffee table. Is that…? No.

I get out of bed and take a closer look. Howard did my homework. He copied all his answers in my handwriting. He didn’t have to do that at all. Howard might be a huge jerk sometimes, but when he does things like this, I know we’ll never lose each other in life.

Wait, why can Howard perfectly replicate my handwriting?

“So, now there’s a ninja and a dragon?” Howard asks the moment we get on our bikes.

“Yep.”

“You gotta give me more details than that, dude!”

“He breathes fire. He can make fire with his hands. He has – had a sword he could ignite. He can fly like a ChowderCuff Girl with fire streaking behind him.” I rack my brain for a second. “He also not great at conversation.”

“That’s the single brucest villain you’ve ever fought!” Howard exclaims.

I shrug. “He put up a good fight but I don’t know, he was kinda underwhelming. The stank shark seemed more thought out and threatening.”

“Does that mean he was easier to defeat? One Humanity Droplet and blamo?”

We stop at the crosswalk and wait for the walk light. “I’m out of Droplets. I nicked him with an Earth Attack, he bled and started bubbling, and he left,” I say plainly.

The light turns and we push forward. “Lame.”

Ignoring Howard, I continue, “I have to get more Droplets. I don’t know what the big plan is for the Dragon, but I won’t get far without being able to destank him without killing him. I think I should also pester the Nomicon about learning the Hydro Fist. Water might help.”

“I’m not coming with you to get more Droplets.”

“That’s fine. I don’t care.”

We focus on our ride for a while before either of us talk again. Howard sniffs the air. “Do you smell that?” he asks.

“Smell what?”

“Like… Oh, never mind. You’re still wearing that schnasty hoodie.”

I blink and take a second to look down at myself. I am. I also didn’t get a chance to shower last night. Maybe since Howard did my homework, I can slip into the boys’ locker room and rush through one during homeroom. I’ll go through the lockers until I find some body wash to borrow. Then I’ll figure something out with this sweatshirt. I can’t wear this all day again.

After school, I text Seth six times. He’s ghosting me again. All I want is my green hoodie back and to break up. This is such a nothing relationship, I don’t even see the point in maintaining over his stupid “nobody wants me” speech. I’m done giving him a chance.

So, I start texting Junpei to fill the void. I let him know how the relationship has crumbled and how I can’t seem to escape it. He offers me some advice and I try to take it.

I have to stand tall, make it clear that I’m speaking, and break up with him. I have to…but I don’t. I can’t. Not yet.

Seth invited me to Whoopee World on Wednesday after school. He didn’t respond to any of my texts but he texted me around midnight that night. If that’s how I have to get my hoodie back, then so be it. Also, I don’t think it hurts to exploit this jerk for a free ticket to Whoopee World. He owes me. I’m not even wearing a date shirt to this.

Chapter Text

“Hey, there’s my favorite fella!” Seth announces way too loudly. He’s at the Whoopee World entrance, wearing my hoodie, arms outstretched for a hug. I don’t wanna hug him. I can smell him from here.

I hug him anyway. My head by his ear, I whisper, “Hey, maybe don’t call too much attention to us? I’m not out to too many people.”

Seth separates from the hug. “Oh. So, you don’t wanna be seen with me?” he deadpans.

I hurry to clear the air. “That’s not what I meant at all!”

Seth slaps my back like Howard does but it hurts more. I, of course, stumble a little. He laughs unnecessarily loudly. “I’m just messing with you! C’mon! You know me!”

I’m not sure I do, but that’s not something to say out loud. Instead, I laugh awkwardly. Awkward is the only thing I feel right now.

We enter the amusement park, ride rides, play some games, and eat stuff that’s definitely cutting years off our lives. A deep fried pickle? Talk about unnecessary and unhealthy. It was delicious. I had three.

We walk down a mostly unused shortcut between the bumper cars and the Whoopee World Frightacular rollercoaster. The Whoopee employees tend not the empty the trash bins through here, so it’s not exactly a hot spot for foot traffic. It’s mostly used by employees when they’re zipping around on golf carts for shift changes.

Seth is walking way too fast for me. I’ve been nursing a vague achiness all day, but it’s getting worse now. I think it’s supposed to rain later.

My still temporary boyfriend is paying me no mind. Even when I say I need to sit down for a minute, he waves me off. I take refuge on a bench and grab my knee as the pain twinges and holds tight. I need heat or cold, but the only thing I have is a stuffed koala. Or…maybe I can use a Ninja Hot Ball as a Ninja Warm Ball?

I look around before getting out the Ninja mask and delving my hand into it. Instead of a piece of Ninja equipment I’m about to misuse, I pull out a hand warmer, still in its packet. I guess a past Ninja left it in here.

After stashing the mask away, I open the packet and give the hand warmer a good shake, activating its warmness. It’ll need a minute before it actually works but I’ve literally got nowhere to be. I lean my head back and close my eyes, breathing slowly as I partake in some meditation. The heat builds slowly and my knee takes to it quickly.

I hear some leaves crunching in front of me, but when I don’t hear Seth’s voice, I don’t bother. Why bother? I’m just a little ol’ Randy sittin’ on a little ol’ bench.

Time passes. This hand warmer feels so nice.

“Hey.”

I jump and open my eyes. There’s the man of the hour, hands on his hips and a scowl on his face. “I told you I –” I start.

“No, what’s wrong with you? You abandoned me. I got all the way to the coaster and when I turned around, you were gone,” he snaps.

“I told you I needed to sit down,” I say firmly. “My knee hurts.”

“From what?”

“Arthritis.”

“Pfft.” Seth makes an exaggerated, annoyed hand wave. He pushes his hair back. “Yeah, okay. You just don’t want to be seen with me. I know how it is. You don’t have to lie about it.”

“What the juice are you talking about? I have honkin’ arthritis. I don’t know what you want from me,” I snap back.

Seth rolls his eyes. “I want you to be a good boyfriend. Good boyfriends don’t abandon you in the middle of amusement parks.”

“Excuse me, you want me to be a good boyfriend?”

“Yeah, I do. You’re argumentative and rude.”

My brow scrunches. “Literally what are you talking about?”

Seth points at the ground as the wind blow his hair around a little. “This. This petty argument you started. The argument about Dove Branningdahl. Your stupid insistence on getting your sweatshirt back. You want it?” He takes off my hoodie and throws it at me. “Take it, and have fun getting home.”

Seth storms off, and an immense guilt washes over me. Am I the problem?

A weird feeling settles over me as I leave the park. It doesn’t shift when I get to my bike and my tires are flat.

I call Seth when I get home. I apologize as much as I can. I didn’t mean to act like that. I shouldn’t have snapped at him. I shouldn’t have argued. I’ll wash his hoodie and give it back.

“I actually wanna establish a rule,” Seth says.

“Uh, what do you mean?”

“I don’t want you talking to Howard anymore.”

My eyes widen. The pacing I was doing in my room stops. “What?”

“I don’t want you hanging around with the guy you kissed when we were apart. I can’t even believe you did that. You haven’t even kissed me yet.”

I don’t know what to say. I can’t say anything.

“Which reminds me,” Seth continues, “we’re having a movie date at your house on Saturday. I’ll bring the DVDs. Okay?”

My mind blanks. I still have nothing to say, but when I know he’ll get mean if I don’t answer right away, I just agree to it.

Chapter Text

I can’t sleep that night. I didn’t talk to anyone after I called Seth. I didn’t even say goodnight to my parents.

Around midnight, restless and hungry, I get up and make my way down to the kitchen. The fridge’s contents are wildly unappealing to me. However, the bag of frozen French fries in the freezer looks excellent. I untie the twisty tie and plop the bag in the sink. It’s a five-pound bag with maybe three pounds left. I dive in quickly. It’s just what the Ninja ordered.

“Dude, are you eating frozen French fries in your underwear?”

I perk up and scan the kitchen. Then I look out the window over the sink. Howard waves at me, his walkie-talkie in hand.

Oh, I could’ve sworn I was holding my phone when I climbed down from my bed.

“Yeah,” I answer. “What are you doing up?”

“Felt snacky. Found someone’s secret cookie stash under the sink.” His line cuts out and I watch him bite into a plain vanilla cookie. “What are you doing up?”

I pop another fry in my mouth, leaning over the sink. “I had a weird fight with Seth. I don’t feel good about it.”

“You still haven’t broken up with him?”

“No, but I have to. I can’t keep doing this. He’s exhausting.” I release the talk button and eat another fry. Then I add, “I think he’s manipulating me into staying in the relationship.”

“I’ll kill him,” Howard replies gravely. I laugh but I see through our windows that he’s serious.

“No, that’s,” I chew on another fry, “rude.”

I see Howard’s eyebrows knit together. “No one treats my best friend like that. I’ll kill him.”

I shake my head. “Listen, we’ve got a date this Saturday. I’m ending it there.”

“Are you? He’s been pushing you around like a honkin’ shopping cart.”

I hold up a hand, a particularly long French fry between my fingers like a pencil. “I’m going to. He wants me to stop talking to you because we kissed that one time.”

Howard lolls his head to the side, his brow still furrowed. “Really? You’re drawing the line at me? Where’s your sense of self-preservation, Cunningham?”

“By the sounds of it, you have it this week.” I snicker. “Don’t worry about me. I’m the Ninja. I can handle a break up.”

We share a brief exchange via eye contact. Howard’s eyes doubt me. I reassure him. He still doesn’t believe me. How dare he.

Chapter Text

Saturday happens and I don’t want it to. I don’t want Seth in my house. I don’t even want to give him the address. But, given what hole I’ve dug myself, I don’t really have a choice.

That morning, I finally chuck my hoodie and Seth’s into the washer. I, of course, emptied out the fish scales from all the pockets. I still don’t know what that’s about and at this point, I don’t wanna know.

I put waaay too much soap in for two things, close the washer lid, and turn it on for a heavy duty load with an hour long soak session to start. Once it’s all set, I slide against our white washer until I’m on the floor. I hug my knees to my chest and close my eyes. I don’t want today to happen.

“Randy, sweetie, you okay?” Mom comes down the hall after spotting my sorrowful self in the laundry room.

“I don’t know.”

She sits next to me and wraps an arm around my shoulders. I inch myself closer to her. “Well, what’s my baby washing so early this morning?” she asks.

“My hoodie… Seth’s hoodie…”

Mom squeezes my arm a little. “Do I need to kill him?”

I can’t help laughing. “Why are you and Howard so set on murder?”

“Sometimes, when a mom and a best friend love someone, they commit a little murder. It happens,” she goes on. “No big deal. If my crime shows have taught me anything, it’s how to a hide a body.”

“You don’t need to kill him either,” I say, shaking my head. “We just had a weird argument, and now he’s coming over for a movie date today. I wanna break up with him, but I can’t seem to do it.”

Mom lays her head on mine, uttering a sympathetic, “Oh, honey.”

“I know. Trust me, I know.”

We sit there for a while. Just together, quiet and breathing. A burst of color enters my vision. My eyes upturn to see that Nomicon poem on the wall:

“Storms fade with time, surely always to end.

Damage runs amuck and to that we tend.

Take a rest, dear friend,

Before you meet your untimely end.”

I’m trying to process why two lines are missing when I realize how dumb I am. That poem was to me about me. Seth is a terrible storm of person and he’s hurting me. It’s not forever, but when it ends, I’ll have to pick myself up. I have to do this for myself before things go too far somehow. Then Mom and Howard would really have a reason to commit murder.

Dread stirs in my stomach as I pace the kitchen. Seth will be here any minute. We’re just gonna watch some movies and he’ll leave. Nothing more, nothing less. He’s going to be present, he’s going to be here. Then he’ll be gone. Then I don’t have to look at him or think about him or smell him.

“Do you want me to stay home?” Mom asks. “You’re making me nervous.”

“Um, I don’t know.” She stops me in my tracks and runs a hand through my hair. I look up at her, my worry on my sleeve. “Yeah. I can handle myself but I’d really appreciate it if you were here,” I say.

Mom was going to go over to the Weinermans' to chat with Mrs. Weinerman, but clearly that won’t happen now. They can talk whenever, so I don’t inherently feel bad about keeping her here.

The doorbell rings and my dread comes to a standstill. From here on out, this is just a performance. I’m playing “good boyfriend” until I make it clear what’s happening.

I open the door, smile deployed.

“There he is!” Seth extends his arms, a grocery bag in one hand. He’s just wearing that number four jersey; I still have his hoodie. Once I submit to his hug, he says, “I’m so happy we cleared things up. I think we were both just having a bad day.”

“Yeah, totally.”

I let him in but he stops in his tracks when he sees movement in the kitchen. “Why is your mom here?” he whispers. “Doesn’t she have somewhere to be?”

“She lives here,” I answer plainly. “This is her house?”

Seth gives me a resigned look. “Well, that makes things a lot less fun. How are we gonna have our first kiss if your mom’s breathing down our necks?”

I walk past him into the living room. “She’s not homophobic.” I grab the TV remote and the DVD player remote, trying to remember what button makes what happen.

“That’s not my point,” Seth says, voice low, “how can we have any privacy?”

I stare back blankly. “I don’t see the problem.”

He shakes his head, muttering something under his breath. After I get the DVD player ready, he reveals what movies he brought along. They’re all Dove Branningdahl movies. He did this on purpose.

About an hour into the first movie, he puts his arm around me. He grins at me and I try to reflect it. He still smells awful. I hope we have good air freshener or like six candles we can light at the same time.

Wow, these movies suck. Why does this lady make such awkward faces? How are these award winning films? Did I just see a boom mic dip into the corner of the screen? Oh my cheese.

At one point during the second movie – Lipstick in Barbados – Seth gently places a hand on my jaw and directs my face towards him. There’s a rain scene going on in the movie, so I guess this is supposed to be romantic. His eyes close and he leans in.

I lean back. “Um, no thank you.”

“What?”

I shake my head and scooch over a little. “I don’t want to kiss you.”

Seth scrunches his brow, now shaking his head. “That doesn’t make sense. We’re dating. If we don’t kiss, how do we ever get to anything else?”

My nose crinkles. “I don’t think I ever want to do anything else, but that’s not my point.”

“No, no. This is the point. What the juice do you mean by that?”

“I think I might be asexual, but again, not my point.”

Seth scoffs and crosses his arms. “You’re just not ready.”

The Nomicon’s warning comes to life around Seth. “The color of their eyes isn’t as important as they flags they wave.” Red doodle flags pop up on either side of his head, flapping back and forth like crazy.

Finally getting the message, I decide I’m not entertaining this. I grab the remote and eject the DVD. Taking a breath, I finally say, “I’m breaking up with you.”

“What? No you’re not.”

I shove his stupid Dove Branningdahl DVD back in its case. I chuck it back in the grocery bag and toss the bag in his lap. “Get out. I’m done dealing with you,” I persist.

Seth gets up and grabs me hard by the wrists. “No, don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to us,” he says, not exactly pleading but not exactly commanding it either. The desperation in his eyes is stressing me out.    

“Let go of me!” I try to yank myself out of his grip but he’s weirdly strong. The way he keeps bordering on pleading and threatening triggers my Ninja instincts. I twist my wrists out of his hands and grab one of his. I turn quickly and flip him, slamming him hard on the hardwood floor. My hand on his throat, I hiss through my teeth, “I can kill you in eight different ways. Don’t fuck with me.”

Mom rushes into the living room in a panic. I flick my head up, the snarl still fresh on my face. She doesn’t move at first, taking everything in. Then she springs into action. “Alright, I think you got the message. Get out and never contact my son ever again,” she commands.

I back off, grabbing the bag of movies and dropping it on Seth’s chest. He’s dumbfounded. When he finally stumbles out of the front door, I chuck his clean hoodie at him, too. I slam the door closed and lock it.

I walk into the middle of the living room, holding myself. I’m breathing slowly and deeply.

Ew, it still smells like fish in here.

Mom grabs my shoulders suddenly and then cups my face in her hands. “I don’t know where you learned to do that but I’m so proud of you!” she says before pulling me into a hug. I welcome it, taking in her perfume.

Chapter Text

After thoroughly spraying the living room with a fresh cotton scent, Mom and I head over to the Weinermans' house. She and Mrs. Weinerman finally have a chance to sit down, and I get to feel my freedom. I get to fetch Howard and do some dumb best friend thing.

When I get to the bottom of the basement steps, I spot Howard asleep on his floor, a comic book over his face. I shout his name and pounce on him. “You’ll never believe what I did!”

Startled, he sits up and shoves me off. “Warn a guy!” he says, still blinking into reality.

“I broke up with Seth!”

Howard gasps, “No!”

“Yes! I’m alive again! I can feel the freedom in my bones!” I exclaim, victoriously flexing my arms. “I even flipped him and threatened him!”

We both start whooping, which eventually leads into our best friend handshake. “I knew you could do it, Cunningham! Never doubted you!” Howard exclaims after the finishing poses.

“You did doubt me. A lot.”

Howard shoves an index finger against my lips. “Shshsh. It’s all over now. No more wonked fish man,” he shushes like a big weirdo. “Now, we can – what are you doing? Who is that?”

Before I even realize it, I’m nosedeep in my phone. “Who’s who?”

“Who are you texting?”

I draw my phone to my chest and swoon, “Junpei.”

“Cunningham.”

“What?”

“You just got out of a relationship. Have you no shame?” Howard prods. “Have you no sense of self-worth?”

I hum a long note and keep texting. “I’ve been talking to Junpei for like a week. He’s bruce. And he’s super cute.”

Howard is silent as I finish texting Junpei. We’ve been discussing that gay rock show Howard got me to watch. It’s Junpei’s favorite cartoon. He has a lot to say about it and I enjoy every minute we talk about it.

Text sent, I stash my phone away and pass my best friend a warm smile. He’s staring at me, unamused. “Whore.”

My eyes widen. “TV-Y7,” I remind him.

“Fanfiction,” he counters.

I shake my head. Whatever. “Look, Junpei’s different,” I try.

Howard crosses his arms and interrupts me. “You met him at the skate park, didn’t you?”

I aggressively point at him in my defense. “That doesn’t mean anything. Junpei’s sweet and considerate, and we have good communication.”

Howard props his hands on his hips, his expression stagnant. “At least give it another week before you date this new guy,” he suggests.

I sigh. “I will. I need time to breath outside of what’s-his-face. I also need to attend to Ninja business, so I can’t clog my schedule with dates this week.”

“You don’t have a schedule.”

“Oh, but I do!” I throw an arm around Howard’s shoulders. “Right now, I’m scheduled to hang out with my bestest bro. And if I’m not mistaken, I believe I hear the great white mounds of Snow-klahoma calling our names.”

Howard gasps. “You don’t mean-?”

“Norrisville’s first and only inside-outside, year-round artificial snow park? Oh, but I do, Howie, baby! I do!”

Chapter Text

According to my phone, I’m not too far from the entrance to the Realm of Light. Thank cheese for digital maps! My bookmarked location is a few yards away. I have it saved as “saw a bruce snail here once” just in case McFist has any access to the public’s McFist phone data. He probably does, if we’re being honest.

Soon, I spot the old stump and phase right in, following the wooden tunnel within it. To make sure I don’t try to use the wrong entrance after I collect more Droplets, I tie the Ninja scarf to one of the torri’s legs. It’s like leaving a breadcrumb trail…if leaving a breadcrumb trail meant tying yourself to an ancient Japanese archway.

Secured to the structure, I leap into the blue realm and scoop up seven Droplets. It seems like a good number. This is the smoothest a Ninja Mission has ever gone! Sweet! Now, I can go home and pester the NinjaNomicon about learning the Hydro Fist. And maybe that bruce dragon punch move First Ninja did when Howard and I went back in time? Fight the Dragon with a dragon punch? There’s something about that that seems poetic.

I maneuver back to my entrance, pop through it, untie the scarf, and head towards home. I should get a snack before I shloomp. I could sure go for – uh oh.

At the end of the wooden tunnel, I can’t phase back through the stump. “H’oh boy. That happened for some reason. Um…huh.”

I shrug it off. There’s a clear and easy peasy solution to this. “Ninja Axe!” With a black and red axe, I take a powerful swing at the wall. However, upon making contact with the wood, the axe bounces off and the vibration of it buzzes through my bones like I’m a struck piano chord. I drop the axe, mystified. Panic is rising in me but I can’t let it take over.

“Easy peasy” just became “Wonktown, USA,” but that won’t stop me. I’ll find a way out of here. If I don’t, I’ll consult the Nomicon. There’s literally no way I can get trapped and die in here cold and alone and without anyone ever knowing what happened to me or where exactly to find my body. Nope, nope, nope. None of that! Haha!

I retie the scarf to the torri and dive back into the realm. This can’t be the only way in or out.

I float along the walls for some other opaque but very-much-there entrance. I slip into the first one I find and venture to the end of the its wooden tunnel. Luckily, I can phase through it. Taking as much caution as I can, I slowly poke my head through it. I see a city full of nonstop traffic and people on the go. This doesn’t look like Norrisville.

I look down to a super reflective surface peppered in bird poo. Oh! This is that stupid bean sculpture in Chicago. Wait, Chicago?

I pull my head back in. Why would there be an opening to a busy city? No, never mind. I can’t use this one. Chicago is nowhere near Norrisville. We’re West Coast; this is the Midwest. Back to the drawing board.

Another portal leads to a Roman statue in a museum.

Another takes me to a French library.

Another lands me in the Grand Canyon.

This is driving me insane. Why are there so many different portals? What happened to mine? Why can’t there be one within like a mile of Norrisville?

Frustrated, I float in the middle of the Realm of Light, legs extended to recline and arms crossed. This is so wonked. I don’t even have phone signal in here.

Somebody somewhere better figure this out. I mean, I should figure this out, but I’m gonna float here until I’m done moping about it first.

Chapter Text

A scientist sprints from one end of the McIndustries pyramid to the other, an open laptop and a stack of papers in hand. He flashes his ID card and does the retina scan before bursting into the bioengineering lab. “Dr. Viceroy, sir! You have to see this!” he shouts.

Viceroy stands at a whiteboard with several other scientists, a cup of coffee in hand. “This couldn’t have been an email, Deuce?” he asks dryly.

Three feet away from the group, Deuce drops all his paperwork and subsequently slips on it. The laptop goes flying, but thanks to the panic of the other scientists, it’s saved from smashing into the floor.

Deuce frantically starts picking up the papers, many of them thankfully stapled together, and starts delivering the news. “No, sir, this is huge. There’s been a monumental spike in the energy in Norrisville’s atmosphere.” He points at the laptop in one of his colleague’s hands. “About three minutes ago, it went from 0.9 kilojoules to 25,000 kilojoules. If we direct more of the McSatellites to focus on Norrisville, we may be able to get the exact coordinates of the spike.”

Viceroy pokes his nose in the laptop, taking in the readings in its numbers and graphs. He hums indifferently. “How will this help us exactly?”

“I believe the spike originated in conjunction to something similar to the Chaos Pearls. If we can locate the area, we may be able to investigate what this phenomenon is. There’s a strong possibility the root of these spikes may be able to help destroy the Ninja,” Deuce sputters, finishing cleaning his mess. He stands, an unorganized pile of papers in his arms, slowly trying to straighten them out. “We’ve seen this before, sir. This is just the first time we’ve had the resources or-or time to do anything.”

Viceroy’s eyes search the disheveled man before him before taking a closer look at the readings. He grins, half lidded. “You know, Dr. Machina, this is your best work yet. We’ll have to investigate the anomaly ASAP. Can’t let the Ninja get to this first.”

At hearing his proper title, Deuce smiles. His papers, while definitely out of sorts, are almost perfectly in order. “Oh! Th-thank you, sir!”

Chapter Text

Something bonks me on the head, waking me up from a half-asleep stupor. I blink a few times and look up. Droplets float freely above me, stretching onwards into oblivion. Then several of them grey before my eyes and come raining down on me. I don’t have the brain capacity to get out of the way as they – “Ow, ow, ow!”

I shake it off, watching the grey orbs kerplunk into the blue river. I scan the air until I see another group of Droplets grey all at once and plummet. I maneuver over to where they once hung in the air and press my hand to the closest wall. I phase through to the usual place: a wooden corridor with glowing white gems. As I make my way to the entrance, I notice the overhead gems erupt in a purple-pink energy. “Oh no. No, no, no!” I sprint until I emerge somewhere.

I’m in that weird canyon East of Flute Girl’s house. I fought McFist personally here once and won by his pure idiocy.

My skin prickles as I glance around. The Sorceress’ Chaos Pearls are here. I have to grab them before McFist or anyone else does. I really hope they’re not still around the Sorceress’ neck; I don’t need to deal with another enemy like that right now.

Shit.

I skid to a halt and slip into the shadows of the canyon. A pink glow emerges from a crevice in the rocky wall, and there’s a few robots drilling and digging towards it. I wouldn’t be so spooked but the Dragon’s here, too. Fighting him is a full time job. I can’t handle him and… one, two, three… ten robots!

The Dragon is perched on a rock, arms crossed, and attention fully on the job at hand. Three robots are doing the excavating, and the other seven are standing guard, laser cannons at the ready. This is so wonked. I’m so wonked.

I can’t just let this happen but what do I do?

The Dragon catches my attention as he sniffs the air, a forked tongue poking out as well. That’s super weird. I didn’t realize how lizardy he actually was.

His head twists towards me. He did not just smell me all the way over here.

The Dragon produces a remote from his pocket and presses several buttons. The eyes of the guard robots turn red and in a chorus, say, “Ninja detected. Destroy the Ninja.” They fire their laser cannons all at once in every direction. A couple of beams shoot my direction in particular but miss me by a couple of yards.

The Dragon growls, throwing the remote on the ground and stomping on it. He rises into the air, tongue flickering again. Once he’s got my scent, he rockets towards me, hands aflame and smoke pouring from his cheeks.

I wing a few Ninja Cold Balls in my defense and smoke bomb to the other side of the canyon. Thinking quickly, I slice the Ninja scarf with my sword and chuck a Hot Ball at it. It burns rapidly, successfully destroying my breadcrumb trail back to the original portal. I yank the scarf out to its usual length and ready my sword for battle.

The Dragon claws at his helmet and face, ice falling off him in chunks. He twists towards me and bares his teeth. Before I can blink, he slams me into the rocks and heaves me into the air. Target locked, he soars towards me, a flaming fist aimed for my face. I counter it via flipping midair and planting my heels directly on his stupid reflective visor. It knocks him to the ground instantly.

On the ground, I approach him, another sword drawn. There are little bits of the visor scattered across the ground. “Take it easy, bud. It doesn’t have to go any further than this,” I offer.

The Dragon, hand to his face, doesn’t answer. He’s preoccupied with the blood and stank pouring from his nose. He grimaces and shakes the bodily fluids from his hand.

“I can heal that for you. All you gotta do is stop working for McFist,” I say, keeping my guard up. “It’s not hard. Just repeat after me –”

My feet go out from under me, the Dragon’s tail clocking my ankles. The next thing I know, there’s a foot on my chest and I’m looking down the tip of my sword. I keep my hands up, palms upturned and empty. “Okay, okay… I see how it is.”

The Dragon raises the sword above his head, both hands on the hilt. As it comes down, I smash two Ninja Cold Balls together, trapping the blade between my hands. “Déjà vu, huh?” I struggle to keep the weapon from making mincemeat of my face. “What’s the matter? McFist won’t give you another sword? Poor widdle dwagon boy, all bark and no bite.”

The Dragon screams, flames spewing from his mouth like spit. He lifts the sword above his head again but I’m stopping this here. I snatch the expanding baton from the Ninja scarf and activate it in his direction, jabbing him in the gut and sending him flying. I jump up, fully extending the baton and spinning it justly.

I reach for a Droplet, the baton now still in my other hand. I’m waiting for the dust to settle; I don’t wanna waste these things.

The sword buzzes by my head and lodges in the side of the canyon. From the dust, the Dragon roars fire into the air, his hands ablaze, too. His silhouette takes center stage among his fiery outburst. I take my shot, the Droplet whizzing through the air at the human beast.

I regret every decision I’ve ever made.

The Dragon whips his head from the dust, the Droplet in his teeth. Blue energy flashes beneath the cracked visor, defining the thin pupils of his eyes. The orb shatters in his mouth, blue flames erupting instantly. It fills his sharpened smile; it flourishes from his cheek craters.

Flames of Humanity spew at me. I summon the strength and power of the Tengu. Red encompasses the Ninja suit and allows me my own scorching blast. The fires collide, battling for dominance, seeking a victim somewhere in between. I hold my side steady. Even as the Dragon closes in on me, blue fire overtaking the Tengu fire bit by bit, I persevere.

I squeeze my eyes shut and focus on the fires’ energies. The Fire of Humanity is not meant to be wielded by the likes of this guy. I have to reclaim it. I have to cleanse my mistake.

My hands, outstretched in the fire, tighten. The Tengu fire grabs the Flames of Humanity, absorbing them, overpowering them, snuffing them out. When the deed is done, I drop to my knees. Something tells me I shouldn’t be able to do that.

My vision blurs and I cough a few times. When I look up, the Dragon has vanished. Panic rises in my chest, and I stand up to find the many McFist robots gone. Zipping over to the now dug out crevice, I discover the worst outcome by far: the Chaos Pearls are gone.

Chapter Text

I’m mid-sprint up the McFist Industries pyramid when Howard calls me. I tap the Bluetooth earpiece on the left side of my mask. That thing only works when it wants to, and I’m lucky enough this is one of those times. “What, Howard?”

“A ‘hello’ would be nice,” he snarks at me.

I roll my eyes, skidding to a halt at triangular vent. “Hello. What do you want?” I yank on the vent until it pops off. These things are always so easy to break into. McFist’s security detail isn’t terribly detailed.

“What’s got you in such a mood?”

“McFist has another set of Chaos Pearls. The Sorceress’ Pearls just appeared, and McFist has them. I can’t let this happen twice.” I jump into the vent and immediately jump back out. The second some sensor detected movement, spikes stabbed inward from the metal shaft. “Can’t ninja through the vents anymore. Got it.” I sigh, stumped.

Howard, still in my ear, suggests, “Mort took a personal day today. You can probably bust through his office window and pretend to be him.”

That’s genius! Except… “Pretend to be your dad? How’s that gonna work?”

“Didn’t you do some weird Ninja disguise thing when you ‘grew’ that mustache? Can you still do that? Or…was that a dream I had once?”

I gasp. “Howard, you beautiful shoob! I’d kiss you if you were here!” I race to the other side of the pyramid, utilizing my Ninja Spikes to walk down to Mr. Weinerman’s huge office window.

“Ew, not if your lips are still schnasty and chapped.” I hear Howard chew on something before adding, “Be careful about the window. McFist just had the entire building fitted with McFlexiglass windows; they’re guaranteed to be Ninja proof.”

I try carving into the window with a dagger but Howard’s right. “How do you know that?”

“Mort had to do the paperwork for it, I think.” More chewing.

“What are you eating?” I ask, summoning Tengu fire to my index finger. Moving it in a decently sized circle – scratch that, it’s an oval - I manage to cut all the through the glass. I push on it until it pops into the office and does an unimpressive flop onto the floor.

“Ninja cookies.”

Inside the office, I groan, “Howard.”

“Get off my case. If McCheese was gonna poison me, he would’ve done it already.” He takes a particularly loud bite out of a cookie. “Don’t you have some Ninja-ing to do?”

I groan again and squint at a fern.

“And isn’t there anything you wanna say to me?” Howard prods.

Okay, now he’s fishing for compliments. He gets one now and maybe another later if I can pull this off. Either way, if I let this go on any longer, he’ll pester me throughout the entire mission. So, I hurry through a, “Bye, Howard. Love you,” and hang up.

Before I can go any further, I get a text from Howard and I begrudgingly check it.

Howard: That wasn’t it! But you also didn’t let me say it back >:(

I chuckle. What a shoob.

When I leave Mr. Weinerman’s office, I’m his spitting image. I’m tall and thin, my hair is an orange pompadour with a mustache to match, and I’m wearing a kinda silly plaid suit. My voice has also gone up a few octaves and I now sound uncertain saying even the simplest of things. To make myself look like I even remotely know what I’m doing, I’ve got a clipboard in hand with some random papers stuck to it.

Halfway to the exit of this particular office section, which is a huge room filled with cubicles, another McFist employee stops me. “Mort? I thought you had today off for, uhhh, that thing?” She’s holding a coffee mug and honestly looks like she hasn’t been home in a week. Poor lady’s got bags under her eyes, and her blouse is wrinkled like nobody’s business.

I do my best Mort impression while simultaneously spitting out my idea of workplace small talk. “Yeah, but you know how it is.”

The employee blinks slowly. “Yeah.” She ambles past me, taking a long sip from her mug…which I think is empty.

Amazement washes over me. Is this really how adults talk to each other? Really? Oh, the future is bleak.

I lurk about the McIndustries halls, uncertain of where they’d keep Chaos Pearls of all things. I’m not even sure where there’d be a bathroom around here. There’s zero indication of where anything is. There should be signs or plaques on these walls but it’s a whole lot of nothing instead. Does everyone get a map their first day and then someone wishes them good luck? This is wonk.

A guy in a lab coat bumps into me and drops a few papers. I quickly let the pinchy bit of my clipboard go and my collection of papers mix with his.

“O-oh, Mr. Weinerman! I’m so sorry!” he sputters, scrambling for his papers. I bend down to help, making sure to shuffle a couple of his papers into mine.

“Aw, no worries. Mr. McFist sure does keep us busy.”

The scientist sighs, shaking his head. “I’ve been on the sleep-in shift. I haven’t seen my husband in three days. With our breakthrough, I’m not surprised but boy, do I ever miss my own bed.”

“Breakthrough?” I fake chuckle my best genuine chuckle. “What’s all the hubbub about?”

The scientist looks up and down the hall before lowering his voice. “I know the financial department doesn’t deal with too much of the Ninja aspect of things, but we’ve come across a second set of Chaos Pearls. By the looks of it, this might be my ticket to a promotion…or at least I’ll be able to go home soon.”

I nod. “Well, ain’t that fantastic! But three days? Wow, the ol’ sleep-in shift must be hard on ya.”

The scientist meets my gaze, holding it firmly. From the intensity of his stare, I fear losing my focus on this disguise. “You have no idea. I’m on my fifth cup of coffee. I exist too much but also not nearly enough. I wish I could cease to exist all together.” He blinks, finally standing and reshuffling his paperwork. “I should’ve been an accountant.”

I stand, too, my unease following my movements.

“Well, see ya!” Then the guy continues sprinting down the hall. I briefly glance down at the papers I stole but I’m honestly better off following that dude. Ditching the clipboard completely, I do just that. He leads me to a high security door equipped with an ID scanner and a retina scanner.

I doubt the head of the financial department can get in there. Even if I could, I don’t want to incriminate Mr. Weinerman and endanger his career.

I poof back into myself and leap onto the ceiling, securing my position with Ninja spikes. Taking a deep breath, I utilize my super senses to figure out who and what’s in the next room. I ignore all the science stuff and note the foul energy and stench of the Chaos Pearls. The green ones are locked in a McFlexiglass box. The purple ones are laying loose on a table.

The scientist I bumped into says something. I focus until his voice is clear. “– injured? Will that require the usage of a Pearl?”

Someone else replies, “It’s a broken nose. That’s not even the issue. He had one of those blue spheres in his mouth. We have to analyze him for any leftover residue…and for magical burns, I suppose.”

“Has Dr. Viceroy been contacted yet?”

A different voice replies from across the room. “I think he’s on a late lunch. If we bother him, he’ll have our heads.”

Second guy hums. “You know he’s just taking a nap, right?”

Several of the scientists laugh. I expand the reach of my senses, finding Viceroy in the process of waking up from this late lunch nap. I also catch wind of one of the nearby scientists say they have to use the bathroom and head for this door.

I drop from the ceiling and embody Viceroy’s likeness. Hopefully his work demeanor is the same as his I’ll-kill-you-if-you-upset-my-daughter demeanor.

The door slides open to a very spooked face. I keep my head held high and my arms folded behind my back. Arching an eyebrow, I say, “My ears are ringing. Were you talking about me?”

“Uh, Dr. Viceroy! Sir!” The scientist scrambles for something decent to say. I push past him, the table of Pearls in my sight.

“I see the mission was successful.”

The original scientist attempts to initiate some kinda scientific jabber. Despite the awfulness stirring in my stomach, I put up a hand to silence him. “You don’t need to tell me what I already know. What I need to know is why these Pearls haven’t been taken into analysis yet.”

“W-well, sir, we figured they were the same as the original Pearls. We didn’t find a reason to –”

“So, what I’m hearing is McFist’s leading science team is a group of insolent morons?”

No one speaks.

I nod. “That’s what I thought. Assumptions cause chaos; analysis gets results. If these Pearls blow this place sky high, I will not be held responsible for it.” I approach the table and usher the purple Pearls back into the burlap bag on a nearby chair. “Since I’ve realized your true incompetence, I will personally transport these to the analysis lab. And be warned, this will be marked in your performance reviews.”

I sling the bag over my shoulder and shove a hand in the pocket of my apparent lab coat. No one says anything. No one even looks at me. The tension and shame in air is thick.

The moment I’m out of the room and the door closes, I poof back and I’m on the verge of barfing. I can’t believe I just spoke to an entire group of adults like that. Highly respected, highly educated, highly paid adults. Adults who could melt me from the inside out with the right chemical mixture.

Oh cheese… I hope that one guy gets to see his husband. I hope I didn’t just ruin that for him. I want to curl up on the floor and die. I feel such a shoob.

But! I have the Chaos Pearls!

“Kelvin, honey, it’s fine,” Viceroy says from somewhere down the hall. “I’ve told you before; there’s no radiation involved in this. I would never knowingly bring radiation into our house.”

Acting fast, I channel my inner unhinged nutjob and become McFist. This has to be the last time I do this today. Strain is settling down on me like a cat in the sunlight – in an obviously unpleasant way. That doesn’t make sense – never mind.

Chest puffed out and an abundance of overconfidence as my mask, I enter the hallway. I have to head in Viceroy’s direction for the closest exit, or so says my super senses. Maybe he’ll ignore me since he’s having one of those quiet-and-calm arguments with his husband.

Much to my dismay, when I try to pass Viceroy, he puts a hand on my shoulder and stops me in my tracks. What is he about to say to me and what the juice do I say back to him?

Viceroy finishes the phone call and turns to me. “Did you hear the good news, sir? We’ve got more Chaos Pearls than we’ll ever need.”

“Ooo! You know, I’m behind on a lot of the company gossip!”

Viceroy’s eyes search me, squinting. “Hm. Would you like to come see them? Dr. Machina hypothesized they’re just as, if not, more powerful than the original bunch.”

Robot hand on my hip, I project a big wish-I-could sigh into the air. “Marci wants me to wash Bash’s football uniform. She really put it through the wringer and it still reeks of teenage hormones and an indescribable amount of sweat.”

Viceroy’s nose crinkles before he pinches it. “Is that what’s in that bag? Ugh, I think I can smell it from here.”

I laugh awkwardly and try to side step around him. “Yep. Real gross. Can’t get out of it. Uh, husband stuff, y’know?” I say a little too quickly. I can feel the disguise caving in on itself and the exhaust is clawing at my brain.

Luckily, he accepts this as an excuse, nodding with a warm smile. “Husband stuff, indeed, sir.” That’s probably one of the most tender things I’ll ever hear an arch nemesis say, but I can’t dwell on it and I do not appreciate him staring happily out into space.

“Welp, I’ll be seeing ya,” I spat before speed walking away. I’d let the disguise fall but I can feel daggers being stared into my back. If I can just round this corner – fuck.

I’m face to face with McFist, and he’s face to face with me who happens to look exactly like him right now in this very moment. He smiles and leans in close, rubbing his chin. I imitate him perfectly despite the sweat dripping down my face.

“Well, hello, handsome!” he says, smile wide. He spots his colleague down the hall. “Viceroy, when did we put a mirror here? I’m not complaining but it’s kinda weird.”

McFist takes a wide stance, his arms out at his sides like a cowboy. He wiggles his fingers and dances in a semi-circle, allowing me to stand in the hall he was coming from. He draws his finger quickly like a gun. “Pew, pew! Heheh!” McFist stands, still admiring himself and completely neglecting the fact that I’m holding a bag he isn’t holding. “Hey, since when are moving mirrors a thing? Again, not complaining…”

“That’s the Ninja!” Viceroy shouts.

McFist gasps, “The Ninja?!”

I poof back into myself.

He gasps again. “The Ninja!”

With a backflip and a powerful kick, I send McFist flying down the hall. Then I hightail it for the exit. A whistle sounds off behind me before the lights turn red, a different alarm blaring with them.

Two werewolves crash down from the ceiling, teeth barred and chainsaw hands raging. I didn’t know these were still a thing. I chuck a smoke bomb at the ground and get behind them, still gunning it for the closest door. My energy and time is dwindling here.

Snarling and chainsaws pursue me, managing to match my stride and get on my nerves. I throw several Ninja Balls at them, not bothering to check what they are. I hear ice form behind me and then a few explosions.

There’s an emergency exit up ahead but a metal grate’s lowering overtop of it. I drop to the floor and Ninja Slide the rest of the way, successfully busting through the door. It leads directly into broad daylight but there are no stairs! It’s just the steep siding of this pyramid.

THUMP!

I’m trapped in the door both by the Ninja scarf and the burlap bag. The scarf comes loose with no effort but the bag is stuck-stuck. Feet against the building, I yank on the bag until it rips. Mid-fall, I grab the other new hole and keep the bag held shut. Cheese, it feels lighter than before. I lost some of the Pearls!

I can’t go back for them. Some is better than none.

Chapter Text

I find myself in a forest before I collapse. I can’t take these things home. If McFist can find them in a canyon, he’d find them in my house.

I yank the Ninja mask off so I can get a second to breathe. To my utter dismay, I am drenched in sweat. My desire to shower is strong but I have to figure out what I’m gonna honkin’ do about these Chaos Pearls first. I clearly can’t stash them in the Realm of Light, and I’m not going to try to harness their power to open a portal to the Realm of Shadows.

My phone dings in my pocket. “Not now, Howard,” I say without even bothering with it.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

I groan and grab it from my pocket. It’s Junpei. This isn’t the time for the prettiest guy I’ve ever met…but texting him back has become an automatic reaction.

Junpei: I know it might be too soon, but do you want to go out this weekend?

Junpei: That new Brock Octane movie is still playing. We might get the theater all to ourselves. That’d be bruce!

Junpei: Or if you don’t wanna do the movies, we could have a picnic.

Junpei: Sorry for triple texting! I’m a little scattered today lol

Me: I’d love to see that movie with you! You pick the time, I’ll bring my annual bucket and some secret snacks :)

I swoon. I gotta pick out a good date shirt for this.

Then I blink a few times. I’m sitting against a tree in the middle of the woods with a broken bag of evil orbs. I have to finish Ninja business before I take up any personal business. “Okay, Nomicon, hit me with your best Chaos Pearl disposal method. I’m all ears.” I open the book and – “Ahruuh.”

I find a nice flat-ish stone next to a creek. Using a piece of Ninja Chalk, I make a circle with three smaller circles in the line. I place a Droplet of Humanity in each little circle. The Chaos Pearls sit in the center of the big circle awaiting their demise. There’s six total, but according to the Nomicon, there should be nine. Six is still pretty good, though.

I step back from the circle and flip the Nomicon open, double checking my work. It doesn’t shloomp me – for once – and lets me reread the instructions:

“Trap the evil in a closed circle” – done.

“Leave space for good” – done.

“One piece of good triumphs over two pieces of evil;” so, three Droplets for six Pearls – a’done.

Now, I just have to release the Fire of Humanity and it should sort itself out. Probably.

I leap back further and throw three Ninja Rings, shattering each Droplet simultaneously. Blue fire bursts out of them, overtaking the white chalk quickly. The Pearls thrash in the middle of the circle until they shatter, too. The purple stank is overtaken by the fire until a white beam shoots from the circle.

A hand in front of my face, I marvel at the process. I can’t believe this is possible. I also can’t believe no past Ninja has gotten to this point before. Well, I guess defeating the Sorcerer is a big part of the journey.

Chapter Text

Ninja Crisis over, I head home and shower. When I go to my room, I find Howard eating pizza in front of my TV. “Really?” I ask dryly.

“Don’t be a shoob. I left you half of it.” He gestures to the closed pizza box on my coffee table. “How’d the whole thing go?”

I’m not fighting this. I grab the pizza box and take a seat next to Howard. “Considering the circumstances, pretty good. Broke the Dragon’s nose, became three different people, purified some stank – the usch’.”

“Nice, nice.” He takes a bite out of the pizza crust in his hand. “You didn’t get my dad fired, did you?” he asks.

I shake my head. “Might’ve ruined a guy’s chance to get off the sleep-in shift and see his husband, though.”

“The what shift?”

Biting into a pizza slice, I shrug. I almost drop one of the green peppers but I’m simply too quick for gravity. “Can’t go home. Have to sleep at McIndustries somewhere? I dunno. Sounds kinda illegal.”

Howard shakes his head, a vacant, disturbed look in his eye. “Never let me work there.”

“Way ahead of ya, buddy.” My phone dings in my pocket. I grab it and smile. “By the way, I’ve got a date with Junpei on Saturday. We gotta shift bro time to Sunday.”

Howard groans and tries to argue I’m moving on too quickly.

“Moving on too quickly from what? That was barely a relationship. I don’t even want to count it as one. This is gonna be different.”

My best friend rolls his eyes.

“Have some faith in me, would ya? My grades might not be great, my knees might be wonked, and my riddle comprehension is subpar at best but I’m Randy Cunningham. I’m the Ninja! I can do anything!”

“You can barely look at a chicken.”

“That doesn’t count! Have you ever seen a chicken? Those little beady eyes and the way they walk and their schnasty little talons.” I shudder at the thought. What horrible creatures. They’re tiny dinosaurs covered in feathers! I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve got a hive mind and they’re planning to devolve back into dinosaurs. Horrible, horrible little creatures.

Howard grabs my shoulder. “Cunningham, I’m looking at a chicken right now.”

I nod, accepting my fate. “Touché.”

“And listen, if it doesn’t work out with this Junpei guy, I know who you can date next,” Howard says in a way I know will end with me punching him. “You can always date the Dragon.”

Surprisingly, I don’t punch him. “Howard.”

“Randall.”

“That dude’s trying to kill me. Why would I date him?”

“Enemies to lovers.”

“Howard, he is trying to kill me,” I stress.

“It could all end with murder.” He throws a dramatic hand against his forehead, wistfully adding, “Or it could end with a kiss.”

I shove him. “Dude, gross!”

Chapter Text

Monday after school, the first thing I do is shloomp. I need something else to fight the Dragon. Something, anything.

I stand on a tall column of rocks in an undefined, unending body of water. “Okay, Nomicon, hit me. What’s best for dragon slaying in a nonmurder-y way?” I ask the open air, fists confidently on my hips.

The water around the column shifts and ripples. A scaly head rises into the air, followed by a long, sleek body. It circles me like a spiral staircase, going several hundred feet above me. Water sprinkles down on me as I take in the water dragon’s appearance. It’s white with teal back spikes and face flares.

I pump my fists in the air and shout, “Teach me your ways!”

The dragon’s mouth opens slowly and I wait eagerly to gain my new power. Darkness suddenly consumes me. I continue standing in place, unsure of where the world went. “Uh, hello?”

Torches line the inside of…the dragon’s throat. The dragon ate me. That’s great.

However, instead of this being a disgusting, fleshy architecture, it’s actual architecture. Red stonework surrounds me as a dark red set of stairs unfold in front of me. I step onto them and start a long journey of nothing but stairs.

“Nomicon, I know you’re behind on the times,” I pant, “but you could stand to invest in an elevator. This is so wonk.” These spiral downward, but after twenty minutes of nothing but stairs, stairs really start to suck. Down’s supposed to be the easy way. Whatever the honk this is for better be worth it.

After descending the last step, I flop onto the floor. “Why, why, why,” I mumble into the oddly warm stones. The sound of stone scraping against stone perks my head up. A large door embellished with a twisting dragon and large flowers opens before me, separating at its center. I stand quickly and dust myself off. This is it: a zillion stairs for an epic new ability!

A few feet into the door, a paper screen cuts me off. “Hey!”

“For the power of the beast, you must be willing to enter the belly of the beast.”

I let my brain dwell on these words. I’ve really only got one interpretation to this. “Isn’t that what I just did?” I ask. Behind me is a big empty room in a vague oval shape; there’s no way there’s a double meaning to this.

With no answer, I slam myself into the screen, ripping it easily. I shrug and push forward.

Another screen appears, slamming down from the ceiling. It says the same thing. “I was in the belly! I did what you wanted!” Something clicks in my brain. “Ohhh! Gotcha loud and clear, Nomicon!” Spinning on my heel, I march back to the belly room. Then I stand there. Nothing happens.

As I’m looking around, I notice a flowered circle on the ground the size of a manhole. I get on its level and pry it up. Beneath it is a dark hole with no clear end. Heaving my legs over the edge with a sigh, I hope there’s nothing gross in here.

I drop into the hole, entering a ceaseless freefall. Bit by bit the hole’s diameter grows until it’s about the size of a gazebo. By then, I notice the walls aren’t flush; there are little platforms and cubbies sprinkled all around me. I swim through the air and catch one of the platforms, climbing atop it to take a seat. “C’mon. The power lessons are never this abstract!” I say to an empty space.

When I continue getting nothing but silence, I huff and cross my arms.

A series of black and red penciling emerges from one of the cubbies across from me, forming a doodle Ninja in midair. He clenches his fists and lurches forward, summoning fire from thin air. Then he pulls back, hands open, palms outwards. The fire follows him smoothly with great power. It briefly settles as Doodle Ninja clenches a single fist, only to erupt once more with a forward thrust of his fist and body. A dragon head formed in the flames flies at me, angry and swift. I duck and it hits the wall behind me.

I turn to give Doodle Ninja what-for but he’s gone. I turn back to the wall and discover a message singed into the rocks: “To harness the power of the beast, you must embody it. Harness its rage, let it flow, and release it.”

I gasp, “So bruce! I can do that!”

I lurch forward, pull back, and punch. A puff of smoke drifts from my fist.

“Seriously? I did it right!” I try it again. I don’t even get smoke this time! Before I can get a third hurrah in, something jabs me hard in the back and pushes me back into freefall.

I let out a roar of frustration. Lurch. Pull. Punch.

A hole bursts through the stone wall, and I’m sucked through it like the vacuum of space has ahold of me. It pulls me straight outta the NinjaNomicon. I blink awake on my bedroom floor.

Wait until I see the Dragon again. It’s time to fight fire with fire! I was doing that before but this is slightly different!

Chapter Text

When I pull up to the theater on my bike, I instantly spot Junpei. He’s sitting on a bench untying his skates with a very determined expression on his face. The closer I get, I see he’s just messing with one skate. The other one is sticking out of a black mini backpack, the aqua material bright and obvious.

“You okay?” I ask, chuckling a little. He looks silly bent over his lap like that.

Junpei’s brown eyes dart up at me and his brows shape in surprise. “Randy! Hey, uh, yeah. Totally, totally.”

I step off my bike and secure it to the nearby bike rack, clicking my helmet onto the handlebars. “What’re you doing all scrunched up like that?”

Junpei squints. “I might’ve maybe fell because I might’ve maybe not tied my laces properly.” He sits up, presenting the skate to me. It’s laced up to the tongue like a normal shoe, but there are very apparent bumps throughout the shoelace. “Then I might’ve run over my own lace and ruined it. I’ve been trying to tie the whole thing back together. It’s mostly working.”

I nod, rubbing my chin. “But why were you doing it on the ground?” My smile is mischievous and my eyebrows are doing their best to appear flirty.

Junpei opens his mouth, but quickly closes it. He shakes his head. “I’ve had a day,” he laughs. “I got on the 15.0-A bus instead of the 15-A bus earlier, so I had to get off sooner and skate further than I wanted to.”

“There’s a 15.0-A bus and a 15-A bus?”

“Yes! That's what I've been saying! How ridiculous!”

The Brock Octane movie is so bruce! It’s the one where he has to go back in time to save his favorite actor from being assassinated. It has just the right amount of action and suspense. And the big twist that the actor was the one who killed Brock Octane’s father and Brock Octane was the one who went back in time to kill the actor in the first place!

My only issue with the whole thing is the very obvious plothole that Brock Octane should’ve gone further back in time to either rescue his father or kill the actor before the murder. But something, something – it was the only available rip in time he could enter that was close enough to the original crime? I don’t know; the cinematography kinda made up for it.

What made everything better was Junpei. We ate the popcorn until just the crumbly bits and unpopped kernels were left at the bottom. Every so often when we reached for a few pieces, our hands touched. At first, we treated it as an awkward mistake but then it kept happening. Once we put the nearly-empty bucket on the floor, I offered my open palm on the armrest between us. Without hesitating in the slightest, Junpei put his hand in mine.

Good news: his hands are soft. Not a callous in sight.

For the first few minutes, I got stuck in my own head. The movie? What movie? I was holding Junpei’s hand!

“Was” is the big kicker here. When we leave the theater room, I spot a couple Norrisville students and pull away. I feel awful about it.

Junpei waits until we’re through the lobby and outside to say anything. “Did you see someone you knew back there?”

I look away, scratching the back of my neck and fiddling with a piece of lint in my pocket. “Yeah. I’m not really…out. I’m scared to be,” I admit. Stuffing my other hand in my pocket, I shrug. “It’s nothing against you. I’m just a chicken.”

My date shakes his head. “No, coming out and being out can be really scary. I think after coming out the first time, it gets easier just from doing it once at all. That’s not to say it’s always easy,” he scratches the back of his head, “because it’s not.”

“Well, I’ve had it easy so far. My parents are fine with it. My best friend, Howard, is fine with it. I mean, he’s more than fine with it.” I feel the heat rise in my cheeks. “You should probably know my first kiss was with Howard. That was a one-time thing, and he’s straight, anyway.”

Another thought pops into my head. “And, uh, you should know that I’m asexual. I’ve been looking at stuff online and I realize that’s an issue for some people.” I brace myself, putting on an awkward yet apologetic smile. “So…yeah.”

Junpei giggles and scuffs his sneaker on the cement. “That doesn’t bother me. I think that’s pretty cute, actually.” He smiles warmly. “Aaand I’m asexual, too.”

My eyes widen. “No! Really?”

He nods, still smiling that sweet smile.

“That makes everything so much easier!” I clap once for no real reason but excitement. “So bruce!”

Junpei giggles again. How dare he be so adorable?

“Do you wanna get some froyo?” he asks.

I freeze. I refuse to go down this path again. “Can we do ice cream instead?”

“Sure! I could go for a sundae!”

Chapter Text

Howard grumbles as he fans out the back of his outer shirt, “Ninja Time always ruins Bro Time…”

Hiding behind him, I pull on the Ninja mask, black ribbons encasing me quickly. I stand, a fist on my hip and a sword in my other hand. “Do you want me to let this thing destroy the city?” I snark.

“If you’re gonna use that tone with me, then yes.”

I grunt at him. “Listen, this’ll only take a minute. It’s one robot.”

The robo rabbit – a rabbot, if you will – cracks open like a Russian nesting doll, a smaller rabbot inside. It hops out and opens, revealing another one. Then that one does the same, and so does the next one and the one after that. “Geez, rabbits are good at multiplying but this is ridiculous. BRB, Howie.”

Howard groans as I smoke bomb away.

The original rabbot stands in the center of the road, eyes glowing red and green nose flickering wildly at the air. The pointed ears perk and it stands on its back legs, letting out a roar that I’m pretty sure Viceroy lifted from an old dinosaur movie. Plagiarism is fine if you’re stealing sound bites for evil robots, I guess.

The rabbot springs into the air, its rounded exterior tightening into a sleek creature I can only describe as nightmares. Its limbs are spindly like spider legs, the chest and hips protruding like its malnourished. The face contorts, the cheekbones high and sharp and the mouth hung open in a demented grin.

“Uhhh…”

The other rabbots around me follow suit. It sounds like five soda cans getting crushed in a row. “H’oh boy.”

One of the smaller bots rush me. I leap into the air and slash at its thin body. Much to my dismay, it’s unharmed. Much to my enjoyment, it makes that neat boi-oi-oing noise those spring doorstoppers make.

On the ground again, I’m not sure how I’m gonna handle this. My best move may be decapitation. Or – or, this is a good time to use the Dragon Fist!

A green laser shoots from the big rabbot’s mouth, narrowly missing the top of my head. I have little time to react as the bots storm me in unison, trapping me in a circle of creepy running robots. They close in on me slowly, and I’m not so sure a Dragon Fist would be helpful anymore.

I whip the Ninja scarf out, wrapping it around the chest of a medium-sized bot. With all my might, I pull on the scarf until the rabbot leaves its path, steering it into the opposite side of the circle. It knocks into a smaller one and they roll down the street. Somehow, they get tangled in each other until a tight knot is at their center. Luckily, these things don’t seem smart enough to free themselves.

A chain sickle in hand, I – AH, HEY!

I’m suddenly in the mouth of the biggest rabbot. Its sharp buck teeth dig into my abdomen and I squirm and push and pry on the mouth. I can almost feel the metal beaking through the Ninja suit. “Owowow! I keep all my vital organs in there!” I bang on the rabbot’s nose a few times before actually thinking of a way out.

The world before me blurs briefly as the rabbot violently shakes me like a gator shakes its prey. “I prefer my brains stirred, actually,” I groan. Metal pierces my skin, and I inhale sharply, grimacing at both the pain and my less-than-bruce reaction time.

Using an expanding baton, I pop the rabbots mouth open and slip out. On the ground, I discover I’m bleeding quite a bit. I’m pretty sure this is just a flesh wound, though; my guts still seem to be in order.

My enemy’s mouth still open, I chuck a Ninja Boom Ball its way. It swirls in its mouth for a moment like that one funnel thing at the mini golf course and plink!

KABOOM!

I turn to the rest of the bunch and ready a new chain sickle. “It’s wabbit season, fellas.” I fling the sickle around one of the bot’s legs, pulling them together tightly at the ankles. It faceplants into the asphalt, head crunching into a compact metal mess. The rabbot behind it trips and takes its own tumble.

This last rabbot slams into the initial rabbot entanglement, its head and a single foot getting suck in the spaghetti of limbs. I trap that bot against the knot with two chain sickles, keeping both handles handy. With a whip of both chains, my enemies are in the air. After hurling a Tiny Giant Exploding Ball into the middle of them, I send them flying with an Air Fist.

A big explosion finishes the job, and most of the robot bits disintegrate midair. Except for that rabbot foot falling over there. That might be a problem.

THUNK!

“MY CAR!”

That might be Principal Slimovitz’s problem, specifically.

I turn back to the battle scene. That should be all of them. How many were there? Five? Six?

Big one, kinda big one, medium one, medium-small one, small one… No, that seems right. There were definitely five of them.

I check my wound. There’s still blood oozing out of it – gross. All I need is a little Ninja Art of Heal and I’ll be good as new.

“Missed one,” Howard shouts from a bench, pulling me from my thoughts.

“What? No.”

Holding a cup of something in his hand, Howard points beyond me. I turn just in time to hear a scream. Junpei.

I sprint down the street, but I don’t see him or the last rabbot anywhere.

The sound of a metal trashcan crashing against metal leads me to an alleyway a half a block away. Zipping to the scene with a scarf swing, I see Junpei with his back against a brick wall. He chucks a trashcan lid like a McFrisbee at the rabbots head. It bounces off, unharmed. Garbage falls from the bot’s head but it presses forward, stepping over the trash can at its feet.

Junpei slides down the wall, arms over himself as he cowers for his life.

I throw the scarf around the bots protruding hips and yank it backwards. A safe distance away from Junpei, I let the rabbot have it. Lurch. Pull. Punch.

The Dragon Fist annihilates the thing. There’s fire, there’s an explosion – the works.

I hop over the destruction and help Junpei to his feet. “Hey, are you okay?” I ask.

Junpei gasps, his eyes sparkling. “The Ninja! You saved me! And now you’re talking to me!” His smile is wide and thrilled. I had no idea he was a Ninja fan. I forgot to ask that on our date; I’m not looking to date someone who wants dissect me – don’t know if you’ve heard.

I’m smiling back but I hope it’s not too obvious. “Thanks! I mean – of course! I mean…”

Oh no.

“Can I hug you?” he asks excitedly.

I look down at the ickyness on my abdomen. “Uh…”

He gasps again, this time in concern. “You’re bleeding! Do you need a hospital or something?”

“N-no. Hospital? Me?” I clear my throat. “Ninja magic. No big…giiee.”

“Can I get a quick picture with you then? My boyfriend won’t believe this!”

Boyfriend? Are we boyfriends? When did –? How does dating work?

I can’t get my mouth to say anything coherent, so I nod. The heat rising in my face is going to be the death of me.

Ninja healed, I find my way back to Howard. He’s still on the bench, holding a drink and staring at his phone. “Took you long enough,” he snarks.

“You try fighting a herd of rabbots sometime,” I snark right back.

“A herd?”

“I think it’s a herd. I’ve never heard anyone refer to a group of bunnies before. Maybe it’s something else? Like a bushel? A bushel of bunnies?” We exchange a shrug. We might both have the unlimited power of the Internet at our fingertips, but neither of us are gonna look into it. We’re just not.

I take a seat next to Howard and sigh. That was a big fight.

I peep over at him. He’s reading an article about some lady in Florida training a bunch of squirrels to attack her ex. Oh, Florida, never change.

“Hey, what’re you drinking?” I ask.

“Strawberry milkshake.”

“You didn’t get me one?”

Not looking up, Howard hands me the cup. It’s about half full. “Go nuts, bud. All they had was strawberry. You know I’m not a big strawberry guy.”

I shrug. We’ve kissed; I’m not beyond sharing drinks with him. As I go to town on it, my phones dings. Junpei sent me the picture we just took like five minutes ago. The text reads: "You won’t believe this! The Ninja saved me today! He was bleeding kind of a lot but he said he was fine :)"

“Wow, you look really pale in that. How much blood did you lose?” Howard asks, leaning to see the picture.

I could’ve sworn I was blushing when Junpei took this. “Probably too much, and I don’t think healing regrew the blood.” I suck on the milkshake some more. Maybe I shouldn’t get up for a few minutes.

“Sooo, you gonna tell him?”

“That I’m the Ninja? No way. You’re not even supposed to know.”

Howard shrugs. “Alright. That’s only gonna make things harder, though.”

I scrunch my brow.

“Picture this, Cunningham: you’re on a date in west Norrisville. You’re kissing and junk, but you get a monster and/or robot alert. You gotta get to east Norrisville – stat. You tell Junpei you have to go to the bathroom, but you could be gone anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour.”

I wave a dismissive hand. “Easy. I’ll say I have to go because of a family emergency.”

“How many family emergencies until he gets suspicious?”

“Uhh…”

“And if you get captured and disappear for a few hours? Or days?”

This might be a bigger issue than I thought. An active, in-my-life romantic partner won’t be easy to juggle with everything else.

Howard goes on, “And how about when you come back freshly maimed and newly exhausted? Healing only gets ya so far.”

I close my eyes and take in more milkshake. I don’t have the brain or blood capacity to think this through. I still need to process Junpei calling me his boyfriend, frankly.

Chapter Text

“Okay, Nomicon. Hydro Fist. Randy needs a water attack.” I’m in the middle of the Ninja Lesson Temple. Alone. I was hoping I’d be dropped into a lesson immediately but no dice. “Hello?”

A scroll flies at me from nowhere, but I catch it before it tries to knock me out for once. “Hydro Fist on demand! Nice!” I open it. A red stamp covers the instructions. It simply reads: “LEARNED.”

“Oh… And it’s the Hydro Hand, not the Hydro Fist. Huh.” I close the scroll and toss it. I cough to hide that I forgot a Ninja Power I already knew. “So, uh, what else ya got?”

The light flickers on and off in one of the halls. With a hop in my step, I approach it. Above the doorway is a plaque: Hall of Elemental Masters. This seems very useful!

A short hallway lined with paper screens leads to a decently sized room. Four jade statues stand around a circle similar to the one on the NinjaNomicon cover. There’s a Ninja Mask surrounded by a bunch of nines…or maybe these are sixes? Either way, I walk into the circle and take note of each statue.

The Tengu is familiar, even in its jade image. It stands tall, cloaked in feathers. A second poof of feathers sits beneath its face – a mask-like head with a beak composed of long teeth, coming together at a point. The plaque reads:

“Tengu: A bird demon set on causing havoc. It is composed of shadows and fire, and is impossible to defeat alone. It was overpowered and trapped, resulting in its feathers being harvested and woven into the Ninja mask. The Tengu and the Ninja are forever bound.”

Next is a large koi fish breaching the air like a dolphin. Instead of a splash of water, a lotus supports its weight. The plaque beneath it reads:

“Hanako: A red and black koi that once resided in Norrisville. It acted as a symbol of perseverance and strength. It is one of the only entities truly tied to the nine realms. Hanako was once bound to the Norisu Nine.”  

After that is a dragon. It’s kinda goofy looking if I’m being honest. Its muzzle is long and pointed, two fangs hanging from its mouth. Beneath each of its eyes are two whiskers, and above the eyes are two pointed horns. Several locks of hair stretch behind its head, stopping a good distance before its shoulders and arms. Beyond that, this dragon is slick and snakelike. Its plaque reads:

“Mizuchi: A murderous water dragon that once lurked in the rivers of Japan. It was renowned as the master of water until its defeat. Its power was distributed amongst the Norisu Nine; dragon hairs woven into each mask. The Mizuchi and the Ninja are forever bound.”

The final statue is of a much more formidable-looking dragon. Beyond its three-pronged nose is a fearsome stare provided by large, piercing eyes. Two horns stand close atop its forehead with three protruding from either side along its head. What I can only describe as a fin follows the curve of its spine until the tip of its tail. It sports only two limbs: lanky, powerful arms donning six long claws total. Its plaque reads:

“Raijū: The dragon of lightning. It remains calm until stirred by a storm. Once agitated, the beast strikes fury down on anything it pleases. Its claws deliver devastating destruction. It remains in the skies, untouched and undisturbed by humankind. The Raijū and the Ninja are bound.”

I nod. I have no clue how any of this helps me.

“Sooo…wait, the sign out there said ‘elemental.’ These aren’t all elements. Water and fire, sure. But lightning and…fish?” I offer a confused hand gesture. “Where’s a Ninja Tour Guide when I need one?”

A doodle notepad appears in my hand along with a doodle pencil. Great. The Nomicon wants me to use my brain. Did it hear me say “subpar riddle comprehension” last week?

I sit in the middle of the circle and do my best. I write, “Fire, water, electricity, fish,” and try to take it from there.

“Fire, liquid, electricity, fish.”

It’s probably more complicated than that.

“Plasma, liquid, electricity, fish.”

Come on, brain. You got this far. Is electricity also plasma? No, that doesn’t seem right. I should pay more attention in science class.

I look back up at the Hanako’s statue. What’s a fish got to do with any of this?

Upon reading its plaque again, I think I’ve finally got it. The elements are: “plasma, liquid, physical energy, and magical energy.” I present it to the empty room, hoping the Nomicon will be impressed and tell me something.

The pencil is pulled from my hand by the power of nothing and scribbles something on the notepad. “Plasma” is replaced with “bridge between physical and magical energy,” and “liquid” is replaced with “Earthly states of matter.” I was close.

“Alright, cool.” I drop the notepad. “Now, this helps me…how?”

“It doesn’t.”

I jump and yelp. It’s First Ninja emerging from a shadowed corner of the room. Why can’t he ever say hello like a normal person?

First Ninja rolls his eyes, arms crossed. “It helps your understanding of the Ninja.”

“No, it doesn’t.” I stand and face him properly. “And where were you when I got here? If the Nomicon actively has you and other Ninjas in here, why am I always on my own?”

“The Ninja doesn’t get hand-outs. You have to utilize your knowledge as well as expand it,” First Ninja explains dryly. “The NinjaNomicon is meant to guide you and teach you. Sometimes, it requires you to grasp some semblance of independence.”

I raise an unamused eyebrow, deadpanning, “It’s the way of Ninja, isn’t it?”

First Ninja nods.

“Great, but can I get some help this time?” I gesture to the statues. “What am I supposed to do with any of this?”

“The Tengu and the Mizuchi were defeated long ago. Their powers are forever bound to the mask.”

I cock my head, silently saying, “Yeah, no cheese.”

“You’ve reconnected with the Tengu, but not the Mizuchi.”

“How do I –” First Ninja holds up a hand and shakes his head. “Never mind.”

He approaches the koi statue and lays a hand on its side, his eyes reminiscent of something. “My clan was once bound to Hanako, but once she passed on, the connection was broken. If you can find her spirit, the connection can be renewed.”

There’s some silence before he approaches the Raijū statue. “This one is complicated. There’s never been a true connection with the Raijū and the Ninja. Its power surges through the threads of the suit, but it is not bound. No Ninja has been able to make such a connection.”

“How…is there any connection at all then?” I ask, expecting my mentor to brush me off again. He kinda does.

“Uh…I’d rather not say.” A square of light shines on a wall like there’s a projector somewhere, forming a scene before us. “But I suppose that doesn’t matter.”

A smoking, charred tree appears in the barren beginnings of Norrisville. First Ninja climbs to the top and screams. He draws a sword, narrowed, furious eyes on the grey sky. “FACE ME LIKE A TRUE DRAGON!” he roars. “IF YOU WON’T LEND ME YOUR POWER, THEN –”

KER-ASH!

The scene flashes white and the tree is on fire, but First Ninja is gone. The scene shifts to him splayed out on the ground. Smoke pours off of him and he coughs out a little cloud. He rolls from his back onto his hands and knees, pushing himself up. A blue spark starts between his shoulder blades before stretching down his arms and through his fingers.

The projection cuts out. I can’t believe this. The ever noble and super serious First Ninja tried to fight a dragon by himself and it whooped his butt.

I turn to him, obviously trying to hold back laughter. He doesn’t even look at me. “Not my finest moment, but I was desperate. I needed something more to fight the Sorcerer.”

Raising a finger, still holding any and all laughs in, I try to say something. First Ninja isn’t having it. “Don’t.”

Chapter Text

Howard and I sit at our table at lunch mulling over our combined gravy fries and the current Ninja difficulties in my life. I have to rekindle or create eternal bonds with three magic creatures – two of which are dead. I have to defeat the Dragon and McFist. And I have to keep the Ninja identity a secret from Junpei…who I think is my boyfriend?

“Where does one find dead magical creatures?” Howard asks.

“No clue. First Ninja didn’t tell me.” I note the notepad I’ve been keeping to try to juggle this. I wrote down the important stuff from the statue room, and that’s really all I have right now. “Hanako’s spirit is somewhere in Norrisville.”

“For sure?”

“For sure.”

“Which one is Hanako again?”

“Dead koi fish.”

Howard nods. “How about the electric dragon? You should fight that one.” I told him about First Ninja’s blunder; he’s just being a shoob.

“Even if I wanted to face the Raijū, I’d have to wait for it to storm. The Mizuchi should be easier to find…probably.” I watch Howard shove like five gravy fries in his mouth. He’s not helping, really, but it’s the thought that counts. There’s kinda no one else I can bounce this stuff off of.

My best friend wipes his hand on his cargo shorts before saying, “Now, if I was a dead fish, where would I be?”

“Where would you be if you were a dead water dragon?” I propose.

“Ah bup, bup, bup. One at a time, Cunningham. I am but one Howard.”

I snort. This isn’t gonna get us anywhere. I love Howard, but we’re not solving this during lunch.

During eighth period, we head to the library. I’m eager to nose through the local history section and the newspaper thingy – the microfish? Microfiche? It’s got newspapers in it somehow and there’s a knob? Or it’s a weird tiny computer that’s not actually a computer because it’s just full of newspaper articles? You know, one of those.

Howard said he’d help but after I pull some books and come back to our spot, he’s asleep. There’s a magazine tented over his face and he’s out. Bruce.

There’s surprisingly a decent amount of Ninja history in these local history books. It starts with the immigration and settlement of First Ninja’s village. There’s the containment of the Sorcerer. There’s the growth of the city and eventual colonization, noting the continuity of the Ninja protecting the civilians. None of this is in-depth like the Nomicon, but it’s something. That’s not to say it’s something useful…because it’s not.

The microfiche just has a lot of documentation of the Ninja destanking Norrisville students. By the time I run out of Ninja-related pieces, I start skimming the newspaper headlines. I’ve got time to kill, so why not?

August 6^th, 1879

MAN STEALS HORSE, CLAIMS HORSE STOLE MONEY

May 17^th, 1898

WOMAN PUNCHES BIRD – IMPRESSIVE!!

June 22^nd, 1987

WHOOPEE WORLD ANAMATRONIC BITES CHILD

October 30^th, 2003

NORRISVILLE REMEMBERS HANUKAH

Wait a minute. I scroll down from the headline to see a hand drawn picture of a koi fish. My eyes widen as I read the article.

“Today marks the 200^th anniversary of the death of Hanukah, the world’s oldest known koi fish. She survived the journey from Japan from the 13^th century and thrived in Norrisville until her untimely death in 1803. At her time of death, she was estimated to be between 600 and 615 years old.

It is unknown at this time how she was able to live for so long. Her last known owners refused to donate her body to local scientists. They claim at this time she survived due to the care taken in maintaining their koi pond.

Hanukah’s owners wish to remain anonymous.

For koi pond history and care advice, turn to page 6.”

Shout out to the Norrisville Gazette for misspelling “Hanako.” It’s not a difficult name.

I lean back in the computer chair – unless you wanna call this a microfiche chair – as I try to make some sense of all this. Hanako has been dead for 214 years and she died in a koi pond. Hopefully, there aren’t too many koi ponds in Norrisville. But…what are the odds a koi pond from the 13^th century hasn’t been paved over and turned into a parking lot?

I don’t know how helpful this was.

I lean my head back to check on Howard. He’s still asleep. The bell’s due to ring in ten minutes, so I should probably wake him up.

Ding!

Orrr I could answer this text from my beautiful Junpei: “I’m gonna be in the park in your area after school. You should stop by! :3”

I start texting him back with this big goofy grin on my face. He and Howard haven’t met yet! This is perfect!

“Hey,” a voice says behind me. I jump and manage to pull my phone to my chest and accidentally-on-purpose shift the microfiche to a different article. “When did you get so jumpy?” the voice giggles.

Debbie Kang.

“Who ya texting, Randy?” she asks, leaning over my shoulder.

Phone still literally flat against myself, I say, “A friend.”

“Better not be Theresa.”

I fully ignore her comment. “What do you want?”

She points to the microfiche. “I have a local history report on Whoopee World to do. I kinda need to do research. You’ve heard of ‘research’ before, yeah?” She’s still holding the shoobtastic Spanish report Howard and I did in 9^th grade over us. Despite the obvious passive aggressiveness, she’s also being weirdly nice to me. I thought she’d be more direct with any ill-will she has towards me.

I stand and offer her the microfiche chair. She takes it with a little fanciful hairflip over her shoulder. “What were you doing on this? I didn’t know you knew what a microfiche was, or that the school has one.”

Shoving my phone in my pocket, I shrug. “I wanted to compare Florida headlines with Norrisville headlines. We’ve got some wild stuff in there.”

Debbie Kang squints at me before shrugging back and taking over the microfiche. I don’t know what her deal is but it’d be bruce if she left me alone.

Chapter Text

Howard groans when I tell him we’re going to the park after school. He also doesn’t want to meet Junpei for some reason. “Junpei’s good people!” I insist.

“Yeah, what’s he smell like?”

I almost swoon clean off my bike. “Like the warmth of a kitten’s purr…and strawberries.”

Howard hums indifferently. “A likely story…”

“Dude, why are you being such a shoob?” I ask harshly. “Junpei isn’t Seth.”

“Look, I just don’t wanna see you get hurt again. Seth was terrible but he had you wrapped around his finger, and he wasn’t willing to let go.” He shakes his head. “You even found this guy at the same skate park. How could I not be suspicious of him?”

“First of all, Junpei’s cute.”

Not missing a beat, Howard counters, “You thought Seth was cute.”

“He used a great pick up line,” I counter right back.

“So did Seth.”

“He doesn’t smell like fish.”

“Seth didn’t either, not at first.”

“He hasn’t ghosted me.”

“Yet.”

I groan. One of the park’s brick arches comes into view. “You’ll change your mind when you meet him. He’s so bruce,” I say as hopeful as I can.

“We’ll see,” Howard replies ominously.

We find Junpei on a bench between the park bathroom and the fountain. Once I’m off my bike, we go right in for a hug. He’s so warm and he smells so good!

We definitely hug a little too long but I don’t think we can help it. We don’t get to see each other nearly enough during the week. When we finally let go of each other, Howard’s staring at us, looking unimpressed. Shoob.

“Hey, you must be Howard! I’ve heard a lot about you!” Junpei extends a hand and Howard takes it reluctantly, suspicion still in his eyes. “Wow, you’re really handsome in person!”

My best friend’s take-no-cheese attitude flips instantly. A cocky smile spreads across his face. “Handsome you say? Is that what Cunningham says about me? I’m not surprised. We kissed once, y’know.”

Junpei chuckles. “I’ve heard!”

I pick a fuzzy off Junpei’s cardigan before asking, “What’re you up to out here?”

He draws attention to the old camera hanging from his neck. It’s the kind with actual film. “I’ve gotta take some pictures for my photography class and I thought you’d be the perfect model.”

A blush creeps up my cheeks. “Y-yeah, of course. I mean, uh, I’m down for that.”

Junpei motions to Howard. “And you’ll make a beautiful subject, too!”

“You honkin’ bet I will,” Howard boasts. He’s not blushing at all; this is just feeding his ego. “Watch out, Cunningham, you’re modelling days are numbered.”

Junpei has a packet from class with a bunch of requirements for these pictures. Something about symmetry, rule of thirds, contrast, dynamics… I’ve never taken photography. I’m in painting and studio arts. All art is related, but photography is neither of those.

Do Howard and I know what we’re doing? No, but Junpei is the brains of the operation here. He’s got us back-to-back. He’s got Howard in front of a very round bush doing his sasquatch pose. He’s got me by the fountain looking wistful for a “rule of thirds” photo – whatever that means.

After an hour, Junpei says we’re done. I see he has ten pictures left on the roll. “I wanna save some of these in case I run into the Ninja again.” Back at the bench with our bikes and bags, he takes out a cloth and wipes the camera lens. “I’m shoe-in for an ‘A’ already, but there are automatic bonus points for anything with the Ninja in it.”

Without a second thought, I take a couple slow steps backwards towards the bathrooms. I rest a hand on my stomach. “I’m gonna hit the bathroom. I’ll be back in a bit,” I say, super inconspicuous.

“Okay, we’ll be here,” Junpei reassures me with a warm smile.

Howard glares at me and shakes his head. He’d do the same thing if he was in my shoes and he knows it.

I smoke bomb atop the fountain, perched like Spider-Guy on the corner of a building. “Hmm, no danger here,” I say heroically as I look off into the distance. Turning my head, I act surprised to see Howard and Junpei. “Well, hello, citizens!”

Junpei gasps, camera ready in his hands. “No way!” He looks back at the bathroom and back to me. “I can’t believe Randy’s missing this,” he mutters.

“That’s quite the camera ya got there!”

His attention is back on me. “Oh, thanks! It’s from my photography class.” Those brown eyes of his sparkle a little brighter. “Would you mind if I get some shots of you? For my class?”

“Why it’d be an honor!” I start to stand up but Junpei stops me in a near panic.

“Stay right there! That’s perfect! Just look back that way,” he instructs. I bet these pictures are gonna be epically bruce! After a series of different poses in different spots, Junpei finishes off his film roll. He looks a bit disappointed when he realizes it, but I know I’ve made his day. I further make his day when I hug him. I’m not covered in blood this time, so it is opportune Ninja Hug Time.

Junpei turns to Howard who’s been sat on the bench the entire time. “Why aren’t you excited about this? It’s not every day you get to see the Ninja!” he prods.

Howard looks up from his phone. “The Ninja used to be pretty exclusive to Norrisville High, so I’ve seen enough of him for a lifetime.” He tosses me an uninterested wave.

I fight back the annoyed glare I want to throw my best friend and wave back with smiling eyes. “You do tend to be the damsel in distress a lot, kid,” I sass.

“I’ve got a pretty face. It can’t be helped.” Howard looks at his naked wrist. “Wow, Randy’s been in the bathroom for a while. Hope he’s okay in there, but uh, it was gravy fry day today.”

Junpei disregards me quickly for his backpack. “Do you think he needs medicine? I should have something here.”

I reach for my ear and pretend to take a call. “Hello? Yes, I’ll be there right away.” I cough to call attention to myself. “This has been fun but I gotta go. Ninja business and all that.”

“Oh, yeah, of course.” Junpei peers over his shoulder and gives me a little wave. “Thanks for sticking around!”

I return the wave and – “Smoke bomb!”

“Heeey, sorry for disappearing!” I say as I make my reentrance as myself. “Must’ve gone too ham on the gravy fries at lunch. Did I miss anything?”

Junpei fills me in on the Ninja visit while trying to hand me stomach medicine. I take it but I just shove it in my pocket. He doesn’t notice.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ninja stopped for a photo op,” Howard says nonchalantly, “big whoop. The real question is: do you fellas know what day it is?”

“Uhhh,” I tap my chin, “it’s Mon- nono, it’s Tuesday. It’s definitely Tuesday.”

“Which means?”

“It’s New Game Tuesday at the Game Hole!” Junpei exclaims. Still standing, he pops his sneakers off and grabs his skates from his bag.

Excitement bubbles in my brain. This dynamic duo is about to become a tremendous trio! Howard likes Junpei and Junpei likes Howard! This is all coming together!

Chapter Text

Junpei is absolutely destroying Howard at the new Slap Slap Fighter Jamboree! There’s fire in this guy’s eyes and I’m loving it. “Can’t handle the heat, get outta the kitchen!” Junpei taunts.

“Ohoh! I can handle it and then some! I’m the reason there’s heat!” Howard fires back.

“Bring it, white boy!”

Howard’s concentration breaks for a second and he almost bursts out laughing. “Oh, I’m bringing it, you gay freckle!”

“Whooaa,” Junpei laughs, “you went there!”

“And I’ll do it again!”

While I’m on cloud nine, watching my best friend and my boyfriend lose their minds over this arcade game, something crosses my vision. Doodle words appear around Junpei and Howard, accompanied by two white birds: “Your branch is meant to hold doves, not crows.”

My smile somehow grows warmer. It’s interrupted by Junpei cheering and Howard groaning in defeat. Forgetting I’m here and it’s definitely my turn against one of them, they start another round. I don’t mind.

Ever so slowly, my stomach churns and something feels off. I leave the guys to the arcade cabinet and stick my head out the Game Hole front door. My eyes widen, but I zip back inside.

I get next to Howard’s ear, furthest away from Junpei, whispering about the incoming danger. Maintaining his button pushing, he glances at me. His smile fades and tension builds in his brow. “Are you serious?” he whispers back.

I nod. “Get somewhere safe, and don’t let him out of your sight.”

“I’m not babysitting your boyfriend, Cunningham.”

Everyone in the Game Hole freezes an avalanche of destroyed buildings sound off outside and we all bounce a few inches off the ground. “Just keep him out of danger, and don’t let him try to look for me,” I hiss under my breath.

Greg, the Game Hole owner, shouts into the lobby, “BACKDOOR, KIDS! GO, GO, GO!” People rush for the emergency exit, briefly fighting for the first step to safety before speeding out mostly single filed.

Howard has Junpei by the wrist as he makes a break for the exit. Junpei turns back to the lobby, distress in his voice, “What about Randy?!”

But I’m already gone.

Before the front door closes, I hear Howard’s reassurance, “Guy’s got a top notch fight or flight response. He’ll be fine.”

Down the street is a three-story stank kraken. Its tentacles snake between and into buildings, shattering windows, breaking walls – the whole deal. This is unnecessarily ginormous. Nothing a little Droplet won’t fix.

I grab one from the Ninja Baggie, reel back my arm, and fling it as hard as I can. The blue streak spirals through the air until plop!

H’oh boy.

The Droplet, which is puny in comparison to the entire beast, is caught in one of many suction cups lining the tentacles on this thing. Looks like I’m gonna have to do this the hard way.

I pull out the…the uh… You know that big compact weapon that looks like it does nothing? I whip that bad boy out and press the red button at its center. It forces the thing to pop open and unfurl into a bruce, double-bladed scythe-type weapon. If I hadn’t fought a robot of myself last year, I’d have zero clue how to use this thing.

I’m still not sure if it has a real name, frankly. The “Ninja Double Blade” is good enough for me. I spin it in front of me until I bring it behind me, still and ready.

“Let’s get kraken.”

Somewhere in the distance, I hear Howard boo me.

That aside, I spring into action. One of the tentacles rises and jabs at me, but dodge it, Ninja flipping atop it and sprinting up it. Another tentacle flies at me. I side step, spinning the dual blade and successfully slicing it like a sushi roll.

The giant squid rumbles a low and deep growl. It hits a weird note that makes my organs feel like they’ll sink to my feet.

Another tentacle jab and another slice.

Another and another, but I prevail every time.

Closer to the body, I deal one final cut and ditch the dual blade. As the kraken’s single, giant black eye stares me down, I throw a sword into it like a spear. Eye pierced, another low rumble sings from the beast and it reaches for the weapon with one of its surviving tentacles.

I touch down on the kraken briefly before leaping back in the air. “Ninja Tengu Fireball!” Fire blasts from my hands in a big sphere, crashing into the sickly green skin in a showy uproar of flames. The Tengu energy escaping me, I touchdown on the asphalt and take several Ninja flips backwards.

I’m prepared to bear witness to the thing turning into that schnasty grey mush, but it doesn’t happen. The kraken rumbles more and rubs its eye tentatively. “What the juice? That should’ve worked!”

The chopped tentacles regrow like stanked plant life, and the kraken narrows its gaze on me. This is bad. This is so, so bad.

Tentacles fly at me. I leap and flip back until I’m able to smoke bomb out of its view. “What the honk happened? That’s not how stank beasts work!”

I grumble until I notice the NinjaNomicon flashing in my waist sash. “Thank cheese. Give me something, anything!” I open the book and – “Ahruuh.”

The Nomicon drops me on a seared tree in my civilian clothes. I catch myself but barely; this branch could break if the wind blew the wrong way. I climb it and stand, taking in the scenery. It’s just a bunch of grey clouds.

Suddenly, I can feel every muscle, organ, and bone in my body twitch. I can also feel a searing heat overtaking me. It stops just in time for me to realize I was struck by lightning.

The next thing I know, I’m falling off the branch and I’m back in my hiding spot. I don’t think much time passed, but what the juice, Nomicon?

As I pry myself from the ground and grab the NinjaNomicon, blue electricity ripples between my fingers. “The power of the Raijū,” I marvel in a whisper. Clenching my fist, I’m overcome with a new confidence.

“Smoke bomb!” I reappear in the middle of the street just in time to come face-to-face with a semi-truck getting hurled through the air. I duck out of its way and throw the Ninja scarf after it, grounding it before any more damage can be done.

I sprint towards the stank kraken, electricity coming to life at my fingertips. I dodge a tentacle jab here and one there. I even manage to resecure the Droplet from its suction cups.

I run up the side of the beast’s body, a fresh plan brewing. However, I’m quickly thwarted when a tentacle grabs the Ninja scarf and flings me down the street. I bounce a few times before landing on my feet. Maybe I don’t need to get right up to it to electrocute it.

My head flicks up. Something’s off – more off than the first time.

The kraken withdrawals its tentacles and stands up, quickly becoming a twisted, horrifying daddy long legs. I hate it.

For the first time, I see the massive black beak beneath its body. I hate that more somehow.

One of the tentacles rises from the ground and does a long, wide sweep along what buildings haven’t been decimated yet. If I don’t stop this thing soon, there’ll be more than the city’s clean-up crew can handle.

I get a few hundred feet in front of the standing tentacles, catching one with my scarf as it starts a trek across the city. “Ninja Raijū Strike!” Blue energy overtakes the Ninja Suit, highlighting any red details an electric yellow. Mid scarf swing, I send a bolt of lightning into my enemy.

The kraken shrieks, stumbling backwards with unsteady footing. I land atop one of its limbs and start towards the body again. Then that feeling hits me again, a scream soon reaching my ears. I twist my head to see Junpei running from both huge chunks of debris and an incoming tentacle crashing down to the earth.

I abandon my path and throw the Ninja scarf again, wrapping it around a tentacle ahead of me. Within seconds, I have Junpei scooped up in my arms. I have to cut the scarf and book it to the nearest standing building. The roof is our best bet so I can keep an eye on the stank kraken.

Once I set Junpei down, my hands rush to his face. “Are you okay? A-are you hurt?” I ask in rapid fire.

Junpei’s brow scrunches as he places his hands atop of mine. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Thank cheese.” I scoop him back up and get to the edge of the building towards the undamaged side of town. I have to get him somewhere safe or I have to find – there! Howard’s orange pompadour sticks out like a sore thumb behind an overturned car. “Hold on tight.”

I bound across a few apartment buildings before I get to the car. Its bumper is smashed against a mostly undamaged wall. I secure the Ninja scarf to one of those water tower things and take a slowed leap down the building. Howard turns as he hears me touch the ground. He gasps but doesn’t say anything.

After letting Junpei down, I start heading back up the building like I’m scaling a mountain. I don’t get too far before I turn back to them. “Look at me, look at me, both of you,” I say sternly. “Buddy system. Never head towards the danger, especially alone – that’s my job. Stick together and get somewhere safe.”

“Ninja –” Howard starts.

“No,” I finish, “get out of here, now.”

After ten minutes of dishing out Raijū Strikes and Shocks, I get an opening. I’ve burned through a chunk of the stank kraken’s flesh. Unfortunately, before I have the thought to chuck another Droplet of Humanity at it, I fire off a Tengu Fire Ball.

The kraken screeches until it falls from its schnasty standing stance. A rumble replaces it until everything goes silent. Within moments, the flesh bubbles and I know what comes next. Why would you ever engineer something that smells so awful on the inside? I’m sure the human body smells awful on the inside but this is wonk.

Green skin fades to grey, turning the monstrous cephalopod into a monstrous pile of mush. A disgusting mush that undoubtedly gets worse smell-wise every time I cross it. I’m lucky enough to not be standing in it this time. Norrisville’s gonna reek of rotting corpses doused in expired salad dressing under a pile of rotting fish for a while but at least it’s not just me suffering this time.

Purple and green stank shoot up from the mush, twisting and tangling like vanilla-chocolate swirl soft serve…but in a gross way. There’s something about the way the stanks are interacting that seems too intimate. Ick.

They shoot back to McFist Industries HQ just as expected. This entire ordeal makes me so tired. Can’t a gazillionaire donate his time and money to good causes? Why’s he gotta try to destroy a living legend and the city? If McFist told Viceroy to find the cure to any disease, they’d be world renowned heroes! But no, actively be a force of evil against a force of good. Sheesh.

Now to regroup with Howard and Junpei.

Ugh, Junpei. I can’t believe he got so close to the stank beast. I told Howard to keep an eye on him. I’m not – AH, FUCK!

Fire explodes next to me, throwing me a few feet to the left. Of course.

“Back for another butt kicking?” On my feet, I’m once again faced with the Dragon. A new sword hangs on his hip as he floats at street lamp level. He’s in his usual McFist garb, but I can’t help noticing the black bands on his arms – two on each bicep and two on each forearm. They kinda look like tattoos but I can’t be sure.

The Dragon’s forked tongue flicks out. It only breaches the air twice before he shoves a hand over his mouth.

“Yeah, you smell that?” I thumb towards the grey mush behind me. “Schnasty, huh?”

The Dragon’s hand darts from his mouth to the hilt of his sword. He draws it quickly, igniting it just as fast. Two can play this game.

I draw the original Dragon sword from the Ninja scarf. “Hydro Hand!” The blade becomes encased in water that flows and bloops like a lava lamp. The water will hold its shape for a while, and I’ll be able to reactivate it when I need to. This guy’s going down.

We rocket towards each other, swords swinging and teeth bared. Each time our blades collide, the metal clangs and water boils off my sword. The water seems kinda counterproductive but Ninja Plan.

I throw down a couple of smoke bombs, filling our battleground with orange smoke. While the Dragon’s caught off guard, I get behind him, sword reeled back. Raijū energy courses through me, electrifying my weaponized water. Everything slows as I deal a long, diagonal slash across the Dragon’s back. He freezes and drops his sword, his body violently convulsing until he drops to the ground.

I take a few steps back, the smoke dissipating. I keep my sword ready for another blow. When he doesn’t move, I change tactics. One Droplet and this guy’s out of my hair, at least for a while. I get one out and wing it at him.

When will I ever make a good decision ever again?

The Dragon’s hand shoots up and catches the Droplet. Why does this keep happening?

The Droplet shatters in his hand, the fire within it holding steady in his palm. Although wobbly, he stands. There’s a huge crack across his helmet’s visor and a toothy smile on his face. His hand flexes, sending the fire up his arm until it stops at one of the tattooed bands. It slurps into the ink, turning it bright blue. The matching band on the other arm flashes the same color.

The bands, starting at his wrists and forearms, flash a dull blue together. The next one flashes purple, the next going green. Upon clenching both fists, the tattoos are overtaken by a yellow-orange-red fire gradient. As the Dragon ignites his hands, they all glow red in unison.

This…seems like I might die. Hmmm…

The Dragon launches himself at me. I panic, firing two Hydro Hands in retaliation. Steam clouds the space between us and I dip. I take refuge in an alley between two surviving buildings. The shadows conceal me as I watch the Dragon look up and down the street.

What to do, what to do…

Electrocuting him worked once, it’ll probably work again. I also need to get the Fire of Humanity out of him. He’s already got green and purple stank in him by the looks of it. He doesn’t need this on top of that.

I can probably slam him with a Dragon Fist or two while I’m at it. And hitting him with Hydro Hands is clearly doing something.

I peek out from the shadows. The Dragon keeps trying to smell me out with his schnasty lizard tongue but that grey mush isn’t helping. My eyes widen. That’s it!

“Smoke bomb!”

The Dragon twists towards me, fire puffing from his cheeks.

“Heeey, ya lose something?” I taunt. I wave gleefully like the shoob I am.

Once again, the Dragon soars at me, flames pouring from his hands and mouth. I Hydro Hand him once head-on and a second time in a solid slap, sending him careening into the ground. Any fire coming from his face fizzles out. He coughs, unsuccessfully trying to breath more fire.

I send a Dragon Fist into his slumped over form. It explodes on impact, sending him flying into a half-bent lamp post. He grimaces but thrusts a fire ball my way. I toss two more Hydro Hands, one to extinguish the fire, the other to soak him.

“NINJA RAIJŪ STRIKE!”

I feel kinda feel bad watching this guy shake and twitch under my power buuuuut I also don’t. This is what happens when you try to kill a guy in magic pajamas.

Steam pours off him as he struggles to catch his breath. I rebrandish my sword. “Listen, the longer this goes on, the worse it’s gonna get. You can’t win.”

The Dragon snarls in response.

“Good talk.” I whip the Ninja scarf around him and swing him into the grey mush. He tries to stand but he’s still struggling to regain his mobility. The mush holds onto him as he gags and wretches. He’s completely defenseless.

I grab a new Droplet of Humanity. This better do something. “Ninja Tengu Fire of Humanity!” The Droplet shatters, a purple energy possessing my usual black and red color scheme. I blast rich purple fire in the Dragon’s direction.

Everything’s going well until I feel pushback. A turquoise fire counters me – Stank Fire of Humanity, probably. I’d reach for another Droplet but this is a two-hand fight.

I’m lucky when his fire dies out but mine dies soon after. I collapse to my knees, taking a turn in the art of heavy breathing.

The Dragon pulls himself from the mush, fighting off dry heaving, a fire supporting him. He doubles over before turning and flying off. As he goes, I catch a glimpse of the wound bubbling on his back. There’s some kinda science to this stupid stank business.

Man…I gotta get back to Howard and Junpei.

Chapter Text

McFist pounds his robo fist on the arm of his cozy office chair. He lowers his self-branded binoculars, teeth bared. “Stupid Ninja. Stupid Dragon,” he grumbles. “Stupid giant squid. Whose bright idea was that?”

Viceroy stands beside him, lowering his own pair of binoculars. “Mmm, probably the guy who watched all those pirate movies two weekends ago,” he drawls dryly.

“Well, he should be kicked to the curb!” McFist declares. “That wasn’t even one of the proposed stank beasts! What’s his name, Viceroy? I want him gone.”

His cohort blinks slowly. “Hannibal.”

“Of course! He –” McFist pauses, his rage subdued. “That’s me, isn’t it?”

“How many people do you know named ‘Hannibal’?”

The gazillionaire grumbles as he sinks into his chair. He holds the binoculars off to the side, a Robo-Ape collecting them. “The Dragon almost had him this time. Almost.”

Viceroy shakes his head slightly. “We improve with every battle. We see the problems and flaws, and we overcome them. It’s only a matter of time before we destroy the Ninja for good.”

“I thought you said the purple Pearls would give us the upper hand.”

“They did – they do. The green stank is too unstable on its own; the purple brings stabilizing properties we’ve only dreamt of before. It’s not perfect but it’s progress.”

Behind them, McFist’s computer dings. With a sigh, McFist sits up and spins his chair around, addressing the noise. An email open on his screen, he mumbles as he skims the words. Done, he says, “The kid needs to be patched up. He almost destabilized down there, again.”

Viceroy, resigned, replies, “Yeah, yeah. I’m on it.” He tosses his binoculars to the Robo-Ape next to his boss and starts his journey to the bioengineering lab yet again.

“Maybe you oughta give him some real armor for once,” McFist suggests.

“We’re working on it, sir.”

“And the kid said he wants more personal time? What’s that all about?”

Viceroy stops at the doors, rolling his eyes. “He’s a teenager, Hannibal, what do you expect?”

“Bash never wants more personal time,” McFist says with certainty.

“You only spend time with him when Marci tells you to. Not to mention, there’s not much going on upstairs there.”

“I mean…you’re not wrong.”

Chapter Text

Howard texted me sometime during my battle with the Dragon. He apologized for letting Junpei get away from him and told me where they were. Since stank beasts have become a thing, there are several mass safe houses throughout the city. The closest one to the Game Hole is only a half a mile away. I ninja there until I’m a few hundred feet from the door.

With no one around, I desuit behind a garbage can. Then I make a half-hearted jog to the safe house door, my knees aching a little. These safe houses are bland, square buildings akin to what’s considered modern and trendy housing. Minimalism and all that – the boring stuff. Safe houses shouldn’t be anything fancy, but there’s your Randy Criticism for the day.

I bang on the door. “Hey, I think it’s safe now! Pretty sure the Ninja won!” I shout.

“Name?” a voice asks from…somewhere. I spot a small camera in the corner of the door.

“Randy Cunningham?”

Several locks are undone on the other side of the door before it opens. A guy not dressed like a cop but who definitely has off-duty vibes lets me in. “Do your parents know you’re safe?” he asks sternly.

“Uh…probably?”

“Contact them as soon as you settle in.”

I squint at him. “Sir, the battle’s over out there. I don’t think that’s necessary.”

The guy lifts the reflective sunglasses from his face. Steely blue eyes stare down at me. “Did I ask, son?”

 “Uhhh…”

“We don’t leave until we get the go ahead from the authorities.” He points inside. “Settle in.”

Gotta love an authority figure who treats kids like idiots. “Yes, sir.”

I take an unamused stroll into a big room filled with cots. Card tables and folding chairs are scattered amongst the temporary bedding and their occupants. I spot Junpei and Howard quickly. Junpei’s hunched forward, legs crisscrossed with his elbows on his knees, and Howard has a sympathetic hand on his back.

When Junpei sees me, he jumps up and zips over to me, embracing me quickly. He doesn’t speak but the tight hug says enough. I try to hold him back just as tight.

Howard slowly stands and approaches us. He waves, a worried expression on his face. “Are you okay?” he mouths.

“Yeah,” I mouth back. Then I change my mind. “No.” Then I change it again, giving him a so-so hand wobble.

“You mad?”

I shake my head. “I was stressed. Sorry I got kinda mean.”

Howard shakes his head back, throwing his hand in a “it’s fine, don’t worry about it” motion. He gestures to Junpei with his eyes. Then he says aloud, “You missed it, Cunningham. We got yelled at by the Ninja,” like it’s something to brag about.

Now I have to feign innocence. “What? Why?”

“This guy bailed on me halfway here and tried to find you. I told him you were fine.”

“Aw, Junpei. You didn’t have to do that. I ducked in the sewers; I was okay.”

I hear him sniffle into my shoulder.

I try to backtrack on myself. “I’m sure the Ninja wasn’t actually mad. The guy’s got a lot on his plate.”

He sniffles again, quietly saying, “I was just so worried about you.” I feel like such a shoob. I disappeared when a serious threat happened, I yelled at him, and now I’m comforting him for it all. It shouldn’t be like this but…it has to be.

After Sunglasses-with-an-Attitude finally lets us out, we head back to the Game Hole to grab our stuff and then I treat my two favorite guys to a trip to PJ McFlubbusters. This has been a day. We could all use some ice cream. I hope they still have those lava cakes. Those are the straight up cheese.

Chapter Text

Wednesday rolls around unwillingly and with an air of exhaustion. The entirety of Norrisville is in slump because of how much damage that stank beast did…and because of the schnasty, schnasty stench that’s permeated the atmosphere. City officials had truckloads of flowers shipped in to balance the smell out but it’s not really working.

Some people want me – the Ninja – to do something about this. Do I look like an air freshener to you? There’s literally nothing I can do about any of it.

During eighth period, Howard and I take up residence in the library again. We have no motive. It’s just the one place you don’t get scolded for napping at school. Tuesday’s big ordeal sucker punched my energy to an all-time low. I should be good after today, though.

I still have to go koi pond hunting for Hanako’s spirit. And I have to bond with the other two things yet. Unless the Raijū energy depletes, I don’t know how vital it is I find it. Overall, this new Ninja quest has me stumped. Who made it so needlessly complicated?

Half asleep, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I get it out to find a text from Junpei: “Hey, do you wanna sleep over Friday night and hang out all weekend? My parents said it was okay.”

That jolts me awake so hard, I feel like I just downed a two-liter bottle of espresso. He wants me to sleep over? My boyfriend wants me to sleep over.

Another text comes in.

Junpei: My parents are kinda freaked out about how close I was to the stank beast attack, so they suggested you come over. They’ll talk to your parents if they’re worried about anything.

I lay awake in the beanbag chair, phone to my chest, my heart beating against it. This feels like a big step. We haven’t even kissed yet.

Me: I’d love to but I don’t know how my parents will feel about it.

My parents are a little apprehensive for several reasons. They’ve never met Junpei. They don’t know his parents. They don’t know where they live. They don’t inherently trust two teens in a romantic relationship to…not…you know.

Neither of us are interested in that. We’re not the age of consent, either. So, that’s also a thing.

“Mom, we’re both asexual. Nothing’s gonna happen.”

She huffs as she peels a potato. I’m sat at the kitchen peninsula and she’s by the sink, potato and peeler in hand. “I know teenagers, honey. I used to be one.”

Ew.

“Do you know what asexual means?” I ask flatly.

She shakes her head. “That doesn’t even matter. I don’t know this boy. I don’t know his intentions.”

“Asexual means a lack of sexual attraction. We don’t look at each other like that. And we’ve discussed it; neither of us are interested in that – at least not now. Even the thought of it makes me wanna gag.”

Mom hums a note. “You said I could talk to his parents?”

“Yeah, totally.” I get her one of their numbers, and with a whole lot of luck, I am granted the gift of spending the weekend with my boyfriend. All hail good parental communication!

Chapter Text

Friday after school, I pack a duffle bag for the weekend and hop in the car with Mom. The drive to Junpei’s house is nice. It’s about thirty minutes from our neighborhood and by the continued miracle of good parental communication (I’m sure), we hit absolutely all green lights. This is gonna be a great weekend, I can feel it. Any honked up scheme McFist has should be on hold for a bit.

I pull up to Junpei’s house, carefully stopping at the curb, eyes sparkling. This is a modern building with Japanese architecture and I love it. The walls are paneled vertically with dark wood and the black tin roof (and all related roof bits) are gently sloped. A plain, modern sidewalk leads to a wide, double door entrance. A cement pot accompanies the door, a nonspecific but very alive shrub at its center. It probably is a specific shrub of some sort but eh, details.

The best part? Junpei’s in there!

I almost full-on jump out of the car and run to the door. Before I can ring the doorbell, one of the doors open and I’m engulfed in a surprise hug. “Randy!”

“Junpei!”

Mom laughs as she comes up the walkway. “Weren’t you two together the other day?” she teases.

Arms still snugly secured around my boyfriend, I turn to Mom. “The other day? You mean three weeks ago in teenage years?”

Junpei giggles in my grip before I set him down and return his personal space. He tucks a loose curl behind his ear. “Hi, Mrs. Cunningham! It’s nice to meet you,” Junpei says, ever so politely extending his hand.

Mom takes his hand, her smile wide. “It’s nice to meet you, too, sweetie! Oh, look at you! You’re even cuter in person!”

“Mom,” I groan under my breath. I get a dismissive wave in response.

“Who’s at the door, hun?” a voice calls from inside.

Junpei steps back to the open door, calling back, “Randy and his mom.”

“Let them in, let them in!”

Junpei beckons us inside a cute little mudroom equipped with a bench, a small closet, and a shoe rack. He lets us know to take our shoes off before we climb the single step into the living room. The interior seems more westernized than the exterior but the assorted Japanese trinkets and artwork tie the whole thing together.

Junpei’s mom rounds the corner and I can see where he gets his good looks from. Her skin is darker than his, but her hairstyle is reminiscent of his own. Junpei has loose-ish curls he keeps in a high ponytail. He always ties it where his undercut meets the rest of his hair. I’ve only seen him with it down once.

His mom has an undercut, too. Her curls are tight, and they hang on the left side of her face at her cheek.

They also share the same brown eyes. Her eyes are actually rounder than Junpei’s but the friendly disposition behind them are identical. They crinkle warmly when she sees us. “Catherine, Randy, it’s delightful to meet you both!”

Mom nods, her voice gleeful. “Yes! Oh my goodness, your home is gorgeous – and your blouse! I feel like I’m underdressed.”

“Thank you!” Mrs. Kawakami looks down at her frilled top. “But this old thing? Psh, I’ve had this since 2007.”

Mom pulls me close by the shoulder. “Well, I’ve had this thing since ’99 and he’s still pretty cute!”

Whhhyyy?

Heat rushes to my face, but I just stand here and take it. Mrs. Kawakami laughs and pinches one of my cheeks like she’s a kindly grandmother. “He is adorable!”

Why isn’t Junpei getting any of this? Why does he get to stand there and snicker at me?

I’m graced with being briefly ignored while our moms start chatting. Mrs. Kawakami notices us standing here like a couple of shoobs and ushers Junpei to show me his room. “I want that door open, boys!” she yells after us.

Walking into Junpei’s room is like walking into one of his hugs. The walls are an off-white except the one his bed is pushed against. That one’s a warm orange color. The floor is hardwood, and there’s a round, brown rug in the center of the room.

To the left of the rug is a low table with some boxes underneath it. Behind the table is an equally low, dark green sofa. A couple of pillows are stacked next to it. On the far wall is a collection of canvases, painted and blank, and a fancy looking easel. There’s a tall wardrobe over there, too.

Wait, my boyfriend is an artist? So bruce!

“Welcome to my humble abode!” he announces. He makes a wide sweeping gesture. “My easel usually lives in the middle of the room, but I thought I’d tidy up for you.”

I fake gasp. “Such a gentleman!”

He fakes a bashful, overzealous southern accent, “Why thank ya kindly!”

I take a moment to admire the color scheme. It’s so warm. It’s almost odd in comparison to Junpei’s usual plum shirt and blush pink cardigan. When I turn to his bed, the headboard in the corner, the conflicting style continues. His comforter and his pillow cases are brown, orange, and gold. He’s also got fancy orange curtain things hanging from his tall bed posts.

I tap my chin thoughtfully.

“I love the fall. It’s the perfect season for sweaters and the leaves turn all these gorgeous colors,” Junpei explains. He swoons softly. “Everything feels so cozy and homey in the fall. It’s chilly but that’s the perfect opportunity to get cozy.”

“First of all, everything about you is adorable.”

Junpei giggles and I’m sure he’s blushing under that beautiful brown skin of his.

“Second of all, if fall’s your jam, then why do you always look like a ray of springtime sunshine?” I gesture to his cute-as-always outfit.

“My favorite color is kinda every color.” He looks down at himself. “Pink and purple are my absolute favorites, though.”

I run a hand through my hair. “Purple you say?”

“Oh, shush,” he laughs. He plops on his bed and pats a spot next to him. “C’mere, let me show you something.”

I drop my duffle bag at the foot of his bed and take up my designated seat. I smile and wait patiently, not sure what’s in store.

“Sooo, don’t freak out.”

“Not freaking out,” I reassure him.

Junpei pulls up his left pantleg to his knee. Starting a bit below his knee is a black cup-like shell connected to a metal pole that connects to something in his red sneaker. He scooches the shell down a bit until he grabs the pole and pulls the entire thing off. Underneath is a grey sock thing, and underneath that is Junpei’s leg. No ankle, no foot. Just the rounded end of his leg in the middle of his calf.

“Oh.” I pause, trying to be considerate. “How – uhh. What…um.”

“I didn’t lose it to anything.” He turns his prosthetic over in his hands. “I was born without it.”

“Huh.” I blink. I feel really stupid for some reason. I look down at my own legs, focusing on my knees. “Uh…my knees are wonked.”

Junpei’s smile doesn’t falter. “What?”

I shrug, the reason why I feel stupid nestling in my brain. “I’ve got arthritis in both knees,” I clarify. “It hasn’t really hit me in a while, though.”

Junpei lays his hand on mine. I glance at them before meeting his eyes. “If you ever need to take a rest when we’re out, let me know.”

We’re both inching closer to each other, heads tilting. “Same to you, mister.”

“Hey, I heard the boyfriend is here!”

BONK!

Junpei and I back off each other, holding our respective foreheads.

“Oh, I’m sorry, boys!” Poking out of the doorway is a slender, fair-skinned woman. Her black hair hangs freely at her shoulders in waves and gentle curls. She’s wearing a white and red dress, a red bow laying loosely at her hip. “You know what, I’ll be in the kitchen. Ignore me!”

“Who was that?” I ask, still rubbing my forehead.

“My mom.”

“Who’s…who’s the other lady?”

“Also my mom.”

It takes me moment but the dots have been connected. There’s a Mrs. Kawakami and a Mrs. Kawakami. Up. To. Speed.

Chapter Text

Sometime later after…Mrs. Kawakami comes home, my mom says goodbye to my boyfriend’s parents and me (and she tells me to behave in an unreadable tone between being serious and joking). Dinner is prepared and we have a nice meal together. Mrs. Kawakami – oh no. Wait. My politeness is gonna be the death of me.

How the honk do I differentiate between Junpei’s moms? He calls one “Mom” and the other “Mama.” Mom referred to them as Deja and Hitomi. How do I differentiate them without being innately rude?

I…I’ll figure this out. Somehow.

For dinner, the Mrs. Kawakami (who originally greeted us) made some mean pork chops with so many sides. There’s macaroni and cheese, scalloped potatoes, green beans, carrots, and asparagus. There’s also a wicker basket of bread rolls in the middle of the table. Everything is amazing!

In the middle of dinner, Mrs. Kawakami (who interrupted our failed first kiss) makes a comment about someone arguing with her about the inaccuracies of a certain beloved dinosaur movie franchise. “Paleontology isn’t even my field. It doesn’t take much to look up the science articles about it, either,” she says, a little exasperated.

I wipe my mouth with a napkin before asking, “What is your field, ma’am?”

“Sociocultural anthropology,” she replies proudly. “I mainly focus on local history, though. Norrisville has a fascinating history, especially with the magical presence of the Ninja and the Sorcerer. We have so many news articles and more recently, pictures and recorded footage of things.

“However, the museum is hesitant to display any pictures of the Ninja that aren’t recent in terms of the last year or so. His physical form changes every four years. It’s the most peculiar thing. Every time we get older documentation, it gets brushed off as kids in costumes.”

I have to force my face not to look suspicious. Of course an anthropologist would notice the inconsistencies of the Ninja’s body, voice, mannerisms, and what-have-you. I hope she doesn’t make any connections between me and the Ninja now that I seem to have a place here.

“Are you up to date on the regeneration theory, Randy?” Junpei pipes up.

“No, I’ve never heard of that before. There are…Ninja theories?”

“Of course there are Ninja theories! I can’t believe you don’t know!”

I feel like I should be concerned. Not just about this but as a whole.

“So,” Junpei goes, “the Ninja looks different every four years, right? It’s believed that to maintain his physical form at all as an 800-year-old being, he has to start anew during the leap year. Why then? No one knows. Maybe there’s a weird magical thing then. Maybe it’s just a coincidence.”

Mrs. Not-an-Anthropologist Kawakami shakes her head as she drinks her water. “Remember, the leap year is an arbitrary human thing from the 1700s. If he’s some supernatural weirdo, then he wouldn’t follow something like that.”

Ah, this is good fun. We’re talking about me in front of me without knowing we’re talking about me. Fantastic. I love it.

I try to change the subject a little. “Does being an anthropologist mean you’re a doctor? Not medically, I mean...of course.”

“Yep! Dr. Hitomi Kawakami at your service!”

Oh, thank cheese. Something useful came out of this conversation. Now, I can eat the rest of my dinner in peace…or at least mild peace considering the Ninja talk.

After dinner, while Mrs. and Dr. Kawakami handle the dishes and the leftovers, I wander over to a collection of family pictures in the living room. Between the Whoopee World memories and family picnics, I notice a dad-looking figure in some of the pictures. Ones where Junpei’s a teeny tiny little fella.

Junpei meets me at the photos, all of which are distributed between a console table and the wall behind it. “This is one of my favorites,” he says, pointing to a picture of him posed in a maniacal laugh in front of a bonfire. He’s holding two long marshmallow forks with totally burnt, flaming marshmallows on the ends.

I casually get my phone out and take a photo of that one. That has to be his contact picture. Stuffing it back in my pocket, I point to one of the pictures with Mrs. Kawakami and the mystery dude. “Is your dad still in your life? There aren’t too many pictures of him here.”

Junpei scrunches his brow. He grabs a picture of his mom and dad when he was a newborn and one of him and his moms at a picnic. “Think about it,” he says.

Why does everyone want me to use my brain all the time?

“Okay, uhhh…”

Both Dr. Kawakami and this guy have black hair. Their skin and eyes are the same color. The eye shape is also very similar…exact even. The noses, too. Hmmm…

I gasp. “Did your mom dump your dad for his sister?” I ask quietly.

Junpei just looks at me. He sets the photos down and picks up another. It’s the three of them standing together at a pride event. Mrs. Kawakami is decked out in pansexual colors, Junpei is covered in rainbows, and Dr. Kawakami’s wearing a dress adorned in the trans flag colors, a lesbian pride flag over her shoulders.

…

Oh.

Oh!

I’m such a shoob.

“How long have you,” I pause, uncertain if I’m trailing on a rude question, “had two moms?”

“Since I can remember, really. Mama started transitioning when I was four, and that was when I started remembering things.” Junpei does a little shrug. “It’s been my always.”

“Neat.”

We share another warm stare, our smiles just as warm. If this is going anywhere, it’s quickly interrupted by Mrs. Kawakami. “Junpei, why don’t you take Randy to feed the fish?” she calls from the kitchen.

“Fish?” I echo.

“Yeah, c’mon.” Junpei leads me to their back door. It’s a traditional Japanese paper screen door in front of a pair swinging French doors. A step onto the cement patio, he stops and scoops out a big cup of these little brown pellets. He hands it to me, pressing forward on his crutches.

When he’s not wearing his prosthetic, he gets around on a pair of elbow crutches. I think that’s the right term. You know, the crutches with cupped spots for your elbows and then there’s plain horizontal handles to use for maneuvering around. They’re kinda like the Ninja Tonfas but uh, medical.

I’m a little worried when Junpei starts onto the mini zig zag dock. It’s no wider than a standard sidewalk. He looks a hundred percent confident, though, so I guess it’s all good.

I follow him, taking in the beautiful backyard pond. There are lily pads galore and some tall, freestanding stalks of grass. Brown cattails are scattered here and there, too. Big round stones line the water, some making small mounds and others just establishing the barrier.

A little further on the dock, my attention shifts to the little waterfall in the far left of the pond. There’s also a tall fence around the yard, isolating it completely from the neighbors. This is immensely peaceful.

Junpei and I take a seat at the end of the dock, a swarm of koi fish approaching us in the water. Their mouths breach the water, opening and closing impatiently.

The Nomicon buzzes and glows inside my hoodie. I shoot it a dirty look. “Not now,” I whisper.

“Huh?”

“Oh, wow,” I say normally, covering my metaphorical butt, “this is gorgeous. This is for sure the brucest pond I’ve ever seen.”

“Heh, thanks. It’s been in our family for generations.” Junpei grabs a little handful of pellets from the cup and tosses them into the water. The koi go nuts, quickly inhaling what they can. Once the pellets have dissipated, their attention returns to us.

My interest has piqued. “How many generations?”

“Uh…I don’t know the number. It’s been here since the 13^th century, I think.”

“Since Norrisville was founded?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” He tosses in some more pellets and to not be any more of a weirdo, I throw some, too. “Some of these guys are descended from the fish my ancestors brought over from Japan. I’m not sure how they did that. I imagine toting a bunch of live fish on a wooden ship would result in a lot of dead fish. Lotta luck, I guess.”

“Mmmm, weird question.”

“Shoot.”

“Did your family ever have a koi fish named Hanako? She would’ve been red and black, and – I don’t know – 600 years old.”

Junpei cackles. “That is a weird one! But yeah, Hanako was basically a family heirloom…until my great-great-great-great grandpa accidentally killed her.”

My focus intensifies on the pond. Doodle text appears in my vision: “Hanako’s spirit! In here! Found her!” Several arrows point down at the water, accompanied by a single Doodle Ninja giving me a thumbs up.

“Turns out fish can choke on bread. Never would’a guessed,” Junpei continues absently. I catch him turning to me in my peripheral, so I make sure it’s a mutual eye catch. He smiles and I smile back. How could I not?

He looks away timidly but I don’t. “You know,” I say slowly, “I really enjoy spending time with you.”

“I like spending time with you, too.” Junpei lays his hand on mine and inches closer to me. I can only imagine the heat in his cheeks. Mine’s off the charts. “You’re a really sweet guy…and you’re pretty cute.”

I inch closer to him as he turns back to me. “I don’t know if you’ve heard, but you’re pretty cute yourself,” I joke as flirty-ly as I can.

My boyfriend giggles. “I’ve heard.” Our eyes meet, silently checking with each other that this is happening. Bit by bit, our lips meet. It’s gentle and sweet. It’s everything I ever hoped a real first kiss would be.

Chapter Text

Apparently, when Mrs. Kawakami and Dr. Kawakami decide they can fully trust me, I’ll be able to sleep over in Junpei’s room. For now, I’ve been sentenced to the couch. I’m not complaining. For one thing, it’s a super nice couch. For another thing, Junpei’s all cuddled up with me while we watch movies. I get all night snuggles.

Until the NinjaNomicon wakes me up at two in the morning, of course. It flashes red like crazy until it gets my attention. So, I have to sneak out of Snuggletown and take an unwanted trip to the bathroom.

I close the toilet lid and take a seat. The Nomicon sits unhappily in my hands. “What could you possibly want at this hour?”

It flashes some more.

“If this is about Hanako, I’m aware, but I’m kinda busy spending time with my boyfriend.”

The Nomicon slaps itself into my lap and cracks open. I don’t – “Ahruuh.”

I open my eyes to the endless, kanji-covered sky of the Nomicon’s pages. Water moves beneath me like I flopped myself onto a waterbed. I sit up, very much disoriented. “Hey,” I snap, “not cool, Nomicon. You can’t just shloomp me whenever you want!”

The water waves beneath me harder. I stand, realizing I’ve been awakened on a huge green lily pad. “Fine, what do you want?”

The water at the edge of the lily pad ripples, a large scaly mass rising from it. The outline of a monstrous koi fish faces me, its eyes closed. Its whiskers wave freely in the air like they’re made of human hair. Otherwise, it’s motionless.

“Um…hi?”

Grass and cattails rise around the koi until a dense forest stands guard behind it. In the blink of an eye, the outline gets sucked into the greenery and it’s gone.

A clock face materializes before me, the arms pointing to 2 o'clock specifically. Two cattails bend down beneath it, words stretching across them:

“During the hours of the ox, all that is living sleep. Those who have passed over are once again alive. Higher beings stand by, they too breathing life.

“To reconnect a once broken connection, light incense and meditate before the resting place or the place of passing. The bond will be reformed when your soul touches the other.”

My nose crinkles. “Ew, I gotta touch a fish soul with my soul?”

THWACK!

I go flying after one of the cattails slams into my chest. I bounce once and then land in the water. Once I resurface, arms on the lily pad’s edge. “Alright, alright! I’ll touch souls with a fish! No need to be so violent! Sheesh.”

Without warning, a current pulls me under the lily pad. I know the Nomicon’s trying to kick me out, but I flail a little before it actually takes me. Getting yanked underwater is never a fun time.

I blink to life in the real world again. I sit up, surprised to see I was laying on my back on the floor tiles instead of slumped over with my face smooshed in the NinjaNomicon. The book must’ve shloomped me so hard I did some ridiculous flip and flop. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I shake my head and pick up the Nomicon, squinting at it. “This better not wake anyone up. I am not getting banned from my boyfriend’s house because of you,” I whisper harshly.

It doesn’t react. Go figure.

So, I don the Ninja mask and climb out the bathroom window, you know, like a normal boyfriend. I hope Junpei doesn’t wake up and try to find me.

I grab a handful of fish pellets and approach the end of the dock. The koi rush towards me, their weird little fish mouths begging for a snack. I indulge them, knowing it won’t get them off my case but at least I tried.

I sit down, legs crisscrossed and a Ninja Incense in hand. I light the incense next to me and blow it out. A gentle stream of smoke pours off it into the sky.

I take a breath, close my eyes, and center myself. I push everything out of my mind and take in the sounds around me. The little waterfall gently bubbles on. The koi’s never ending hunger goes bloop, bloop, bloop around the dock. I hear someone running their dryer with like six pairs of jeans in it.

I breathe. I feel the energies around me. Many of them are at rest with the exception of nocturnal wildlife and people like that weirdo running their dryer at two in the morning.

Then…I hear nothing. I feel nothing.

An unfamiliar energy encases me and my eyes open. A multitude of transparent koi swim in the air over the pond. They circle and flutter. They maintain their momentum, never bothering with me.

A single red koi emerges from the bunch. Its glow is reminiscent of the Nomicon and once it gets closer, the black markings along its back resemble simple flowers.

Hanako.

She floats in front of me, her body swimming idly. We stare into each other’s eyes for what feels like forever. Hanako breaks the gaze suddenly. She swims around me once, almost dream-like, before returning to our staring match. Her mouth bloops a few times.

With slow movements, I gather a few fish pellets laying loosely on the dock and offer them to her. She takes to the snack so quickly, I worry she’ll eat my entire hand if she pleases.

When Hanako finishes, her body waggles happily before falling backwards into the water. Her glowing form zips around the pond. The fish spirits above the pond suddenly scatter off in different directions. The alive fish flee under the lily pads and amongst the grass.

As Hanako circles around the pond, she grows with every movement. Once she’s more than outgrown the space, she dives into the earth. She reemerges with a dolphin’s arching leap, her path clearly set on me. I don’t have a moment to brace myself as she crashes through me. Very much not ready, I fall backwards, eyes wide with surprise.

This is weirdly cold. I don’t like it.

My back arches involuntarily and a rainbow of colors cross my vision. The Nomicon’s lightning strike has nothing on this. This is far worse, and it’s lasting way too long.

I drop back onto the wooden dock without warning, my breathing heavy. I sit up, unsure of my reality. A giant ghost fish just dove into me. I think our souls touched. I think it also pulled a muscle in my neck.

The pond has returned to normal, and so has the soundscape around me. That dryer is still running somewhere around here, too.

I collect the incense, tucking it away in the Ninja waist sash. I guess that’s it. I’m not sure what rebonding the bond with Hanako is supposed to do exactly.

I climb back into the bathroom and desuit. I’m almost to the door when I feel a sneeze coming on. Hand on the doorknob, I bury my nose in my other arm. I wait…and nothing. Then the feeling comes back quick and hard. I’m able to muffle the noise but once I pull my arm away –

“What the juice is this?” I ask the empty room. A huge, slimy glob of snot rests in the crook of my arm, some of still attached to my nose. It swirls a tie-dye rainbow, and I am very uncomfortable. This is worse than Howard’s infamous booger story.

I back away from the door and get the Nomicon back out. “Explain,” I say before dropping it open like people do with dirty magazines. It doesn’t shloomp me. It doesn’t even consider shloomping me. “Really?”

I don’t know what to do about this. Why would this be a thing?

At the sink, I manage to dislodge the glob and it plops into the basin rather unceremoniously. I try to wash it down but it clogs the drain. Great.

Giving up, I hold both side of the sink and groan. I squeeze my eyes shut and hope it just goes away. This is not the place; this is not the time – this is wonk.

I open my eyes to a stagnant, pitch black liquid. This is worse.

In a panic, I turn the faucet back on full force. It does nothing. It doesn’t even raise the water level. My brow scrunches, and I turn the water off.

This is a portal to somewhere, I’m sure of it.

I go to shove my face in it before realizing that’s a total shoob move. Instead, I dig out the expanding baton from the Ninja mask. I expand it without breaking anything in the Kawakamies’ fancy bathroom and shove half of it into the liquid. After a moment, I pull it back out. There’s nothing different about it. It’s not even wet.

Putting away my baton, I take the next step and shove my hand in. I don’t feel anything.

Final step: shove my face in it. When I decide I’m submerged enough, I open my eyes. There’s nothing here. This is literally an empty void.

I free myself and sigh. Doodle words surface on the black liquid, their bright colors contrasting so much it hurts a little. They read: “Realm of Nothingness! Interdimensional snot!”

I have…magic snot. A fish soul touched my soul…and it gave me magic snot.

I’m going back to bed.

After the portal closes in on itself and the water drains from the sink, I tip toe back into the living room. Junpei is sound asleep when I snuggle back up to him. I could sleep forever but the next six to seven hours will suffice. As long as we’re all cuddly like this, it doesn’t really matter how long I get to sleep.

Chapter Text

The rest of the weekend goes smoothly. Junpei and I play video games, we paint together, and we do some light making out. And yes, I’ve been using my Howard-issued lip balm. Don’t even worry about it.

When Mom picks me up on Sunday, my world is full and content. Driving home leaves a fleeting feeling in my heart, but I think Junpei might become a regular in our hangouts. Hopefully, Howard doesn’t mind. I’m all up for time dedicated to them individually, don’t get me wrong. The last thing I want to do is make either of them feel like a third wheel.

Speaking of the shoob, Howard’s taken up residence on Mom’s porch swing when we get home. He waves. “Hey, Romeo! Hey, Mrs. C!”

Mom greets him but leaves us to catch up on the porch.

“Soooo, ya smooch him?” Howard asks slyly.

I drop my duffle bag and lean against the railing. “You bet I did.”

He points an accusatory finger at me next, and I deflect it before he can even say anything. “I’ve been using the lip balm. My lips: de-schnastied.”

“Good man!”

“But uh, turns out Hanako’s spirit is in Junpei’s moms’ koi pond. Now, I’ve got magic snot.”

Howard takes a slow blink. “You’ve got what now?”

“After I fixed the bond between the Ninja and Hanako, I sneezed out rainbow snot that opened a portal to one of the nine realms,” I explain, somehow sounding like this is a totally normal thing that happens.

Howard stands and grabs me by my hoodie. “Show me,” he says in a breathy voice, a galaxy of stars shining in his eyes.

“I don’t think –” My sentence is cut off as Howard shakes me back and forth like a ragdoll.

“SHOW ME!”

After I agree and my best friend stops shaking me, he insists this happens in his bedroom. “It’ll be like a bunker! If anything goes wrong, it’ll be completely contained.”

“Howard, your house is above your room. If anything, I could decimate the place and trap us underneath the rubble.”

“Well, for one thing: you’re not gonna do that.”

“Mm.”

“For another, if you do do that, you can probably Ninja Heal it or whatever.”

“What if I can’t?”

“Then you’ll rescue me, and Mort or Mom’ll call our insurance company. All Ninja-related damage is totally covered.”

“What? Since when?”

Howard shrugs. “I dunno. The 50s? 60s?”

I hum a thoughtful note before finally saying, “Alright, let’s do it.”

“Yeah! That’s the Randy I know and love!” he cheers.

Thankfully, when we head over to Howard’s, it seems like no one else is home. I don’t see how magic snot would destroy a house but precautions.

Howard makes a pit stop in his parents’ bathroom before we go down to his room. When he comes out, he’s got his dad’s cologne – the one I am very much allergic to. I guess we’ve gotta coerce the magic snot out somehow.

However, after sneezing like eight times, we come up with a lot of nothing. My sinuses are clogged and my eyes itch. This was a stupid idea.

I’m flat on the floor, feeling the full effect of “McToughman’s Gentle Sucker Punch.” There’s nothing gentle about that stuff. It smells pretty good but now I can’t smell anything.

“Where’s my magic snot, Cunningham?” Howard asks impatiently.

“Hi, do you hear how congested I am? It’s not happening.” I sniffle. I am dying.

“C’mon! One more time! Nine’s the magic number!”

“No, it’s not.”

“Uh, yeah it is! The Norisu Nine! The nine realms! Cloud nine! It’s like a triangle – and a triangle has three sides. Get three triangles together and what do you get? Nine!” He’s reaching, but I’ll humor him. One last time and maybe he’ll drop this for a while.

Reluctantly, I sit up and stretch my hand out for the cologne bottle. Howard pumps a fist as he hands it to me. I’ve never seen a guy so excited about allergies…or snot, for that matter.

I give the cologne a big whiff. I can barely smell it.

My head tilts as I give Howard a look of “yeah, what did you expect” and “we’re done here.” Before I can jam the lid back on the bottle, the inkling of a sneeze flutters in my nose. I close my eyes and let the feeling fester, but it fades. Then it comes back full force. I bury my face in my arm just in time. When I pull away, I almost gag.

“Cunningham! She’s beautiful!” Howard grabs the rainbow snot glob off my sweatshirt sleeve. “The consistency! The color!”

I can’t not gag. “What are you doing? Stop touching it!”

“Dude, this came out of you! You should be proud!” Howard exclaims, still holding it. “And don’t gag. It’s rude.”

I don’t even know how to argue about this. I can’t. All I can do is try to get Howard to drop the glob. He won’t. We get into a light slap fight about it with some bickering sprinkled in. Eventually, somehow, the snot glob falls to the ground, making a horrifying wet slap.

“Aw, Cunningham! Look at what you did!”

I sniffle and cross my arms. “You’re insufferable.”

“You love me and you know it.” Howard turns his attention back to the snot. It stretches and flattens to fit one of the tiles on his floor. The colors continue to swirl and dance in their new square shape. “How’s this work?”

“I don’t know. Last time, it just happened. It just opened to the Realm of Nothingness. I don’t think I did anything.”

Howard rolls his eyes. “That’s lame. How can there be nothing in a realm? Realms’ oughta be chock full of something!” he says.

I take a moment to rub my eyes. They itch so bad. “Listen, if I could open this to something, anything, I would. I don’t know how this works.” When I open my eyes, the floor tile is glowing white.

My hand rushes to stop Howard from jamming his hand in the portal. “Uh, what are you doing?” he asks, eyebrow arched.

“I don’t know where any of these things go. You could be sticking your hand in lava for all you know.”

“Didn’t you get a run down from the NinjaNomicon?”

“Yeah but that doesn’t mean I remember any of it.”

“Wow, good ninja-ing, Ninja.” Howard shakes out of my grip. He points down at the portal. “What's the plan then?”

I stand, grab the Ninja mask, and pull out the expanding baton. I expand it and shove one end into the portal, stirring it a little.

Howard remains unamused. “What are expecting to happen here? Cotton candy?”

“Hey, Howard.”

“What?”

“Shut up.”

My best friend gives me a little nod before flipping me off. Despite my clogged sinuses and itchy eyes, I smile.

When I pull the baton out…there’s pink cotton candy spun around the end of it. Howard grabs a piece immediately, and I follow his lead. This is actual cotton candy. No way…

Howard steals the rest of the cotton candy and I don’t argue. I close the baton and put it away before kneeling down to the portal. “The Realm of Creation,” I marvel.

I don’t think to stop Howard as he sticks his hand into the portal. “Daddy wants a pastrami on rye,” he declares before pulling out exactly that.

“The Realm of Creation…can create anything,” I whisper in revelation.

Howard, finished with his sandwich, nods. “You know what that means? We’re the richest guys around! We can get literally anything whenever!”

“We’re not misusing this. Not like that.”

“C’mon, who’s gonna know?”

I shake my head. “I am. I’ve been trusted with this stuff as the Ninja,” I say firmly. “We misuse my powers all the time but most of that’s in good fun. What you’re talking about is different and wrong.”

“Ugh, you and your morals.” Howard shoves his hand back into the portal and reveals a boxset of DVDs. “You tellin’ me you don’t want every episode of that gay rock show right now?”

My eyes widen, but I don’t answer.

“No hiatuses, no commercials, no spoilers, commentary on every episode – you don’t want that?” Howard prods on. He spins the box over in his hands, a smug look on his face. “Bet Junpei would like this.”

I lurch across the portal and snatch the boxset away. I can’t believe it. The competed series in my hands! This show isn’t even through its first season yet!

But..is this wrong? Is this the morally objectionable situation I was talking about?

After staring at the colorful boxset, realizing I physically cannot chuck it back into the portal, I decide it’s not. This is mine now.

“This doesn’t count.”

“Huh, imagine that,” Howard chuckles. He dips his hand back in the portal, producing a second boxset. “One for you, one for me. I assume you and Junpei are gonna make dates out of this.”

If my eyes weren’t watering from my allergies, they’d be sparkling. That’s a great idea! However, if I don’t set boundaries with this now, Howard’s gonna take things too far, which will eventually end in me taking things too far.

“We’re not using this for money or absurd luxuries,” I declare.

Howard groans.

“No creating new lifeforms either.” I sniffle hard. I don’t know where Howard keeps his tissues down here. “Also, this isn’t gonna be a regular thing. I don’t know how we got this realm specifically, and I’m not getting congested every time you want something.”

Once again, Howard’s hand goes into the portal. I go to give him what-for but he hands me a box of tissues from it. Then, much to his dismay, the white shine of the portal collapses on itself, returning his floor tile to normal.

“Why don’t you just do that thing your dad does when he’s outside?” Howard presses a finger against his nostril and goes on, “Y’know, the ol’ snot rocket?”

After I blow my nose, I shake my head. “Because that’s gross.”

“Oh, Cunningham: wonk of knees, weak of stomach. What will I ever do with you?”

Chapter Text

“Alright, Nomicon, you need to explain what the honk this whole magic snot thing is about. What’s it for? Why is it snot? Why does it have to come out of my body?” I ask the open air. I’m sat on a flat rock in a river with a tall waterfall feeding into it. The river tapers off into the distance, the blue penciling fading into the yellowed pages. Koi fish swim calmly in the water, unconcerned with me and clearly not hungry.

Another flat rock breaks the surface in front of me, a single koi flopping on its edge until it plops back into the water. A shadow appears on the rock. I look up as a massive guy makes his entrance with a heroic pose, one knee on the rock, the other supporting his weight. He even does the fist-on-the-ground thing!

He stands and I recognize him instantly. He’s barrel-chested, arms held proudly at his sides, equipped with an insane amount of muscles. His right arm is bare with the exception of a fingerless, black and red glove. The other arm is fully covered by the Ninja suit, the red Ninja symbol starting at his shoulder and snaking down to his elbow. The guy’s face is super distinct; his chin is huge and his jawline is sharp.

“The Ninja of ’05!” I exclaim. “I remember you! I met you when I was five!”

He takes a seat before me, rubbing his chin. “Little purple-haired kid… Uhh, yeah! My senior year! Haha, good times.”

“So bruce!”

“So, uh, you wanna know about Hanako and the…what did you say? Magic snot?” ’05 asks with a deep voice. His brow arches in the eye window of the Ninja mask.

“Yeah. The snot part’s pretty schnasty.” I shake my head. “I don’t understand how this is supposed to be helpful to my journey.”

’05 nods. “Hanako is tied to the nine realms. An eternal bond with her allows the Ninja access to said realms.”

“I mean, yeah, that’s pretty obvious.”

“Uh…it should make it easier to defeat the Sorcerer?”

“I…already did that,” I say slowly.

“Oh. Huh.” ’05 taps his fingers on his knees. He looks away before looking back at me. “Good job, kid.”

This is weird. “Okay, my big enemy right now is Hannibal McFist. He’s got the Chaos Pearls and he’s been meshing their stank with science. His main creation is some dude I’ve been calling 'the Dragon;' he breathes fire and flies,” I explain. Before the past Ninja can say anything back, I make sure to add, “Shouldn’t you know this? You’re in the NinjaNomicon. This thing’s kinda omnipotent. First Ninja knows exactly what’s going on whenever I talk to him.”

’05 searches me for a moment. Then he scratches the back of his head and looks away. “First Ninja is usually at the helms of this place. I’m probably not the best Ninja you could be talking to.”

Feeling like a shoob, I go to apologize. I didn’t mean anything by it. However, ’05 presses on. “So, you’ve defeated the Sorcerer and you’re still the Ninja? Hmm… There must be a bigger danger somewhere.”

“Yeah, McFist and the Dragon.”

“No, no. McFist was never difficult to beat. Whatever you’re dealing with now is hardly a threat,” he says, not an ounce of concern in his voice. “What chapter are you on in this thing?”

“I-I don’t know. Two?” I’m starting to shake, fear rising in my chest.

“Hm. You better keep going.”

My eyes widen. “D-don’t say that! That’s not even what I came here for!”

’05 puts his hands out in a slow “calm down” motion. “Whoa, buddy, you’re okay. Just breathe.”

My shirt collar clenched in my hands, I don’t know if I can. I try to breathe but I almost start hyperventilating. I thought McFist and the Dragon were it. Purify the stank, defeat the bad guy! I thought it was cut and dry!

“Hey, hey, hey,” he says softly, “I know this is big stuff, and it’s okay that you’re freaked out. You have to remember: you’re the Ninja. You were specially chosen to be the Ninja. You can handle anything that comes your way. We’re – the Nomicon is here to help you.”

I’m finally able to get a grip on my breathing, and I nod.

“You wouldn’t have been chosen if we knew you couldn’t handle it. You’re a tough kid.”

We’re both quiet for a moment. The waterfall behind me fills the space until ’05 speaks again.

“Let me tell ya something, Randy. During 10^th grade, I got desperate. My parents were pressuring me to do better in school, and my dad wasn’t happy with my attitude towards football. I’m built for football, sure, but I’m not made for football.

“The Sorcerer stankified about five people every day for two weeks straight. I was exhausted, and I couldn’t focus on anything. So, I asked the Nomicon for a solution. When it showed me the Realm of Light, I thought, ‘Sure, I can find this,’ but I couldn’t.

“Then I found the Hall of Elemental Masters, but I didn’t get it. Magical creatures that were bound to the Ninja but their powers were out of reach? What was the point? The Raijū energy in the suit helped but not much. So, I sought out Hanako. I thought she would help me find the Realm of Light and the others. That would’ve made everything easier, but…” He trails off, eyes on his reflection in the water. After a deep breath, ’05 admits, “I’m terrified of fish. Every time I approached a koi pond, my skin crawled, my knees knocked... I couldn’t do it.”

Slowly, I come to realize why ’05 may’ve been sent to talk to me.

“I settled for the weapons and powers I already had,” he says, a little dejected. “I never made any stride as the Ninja. I could barely do anything for myself.” After a slow blink, I think I see him smiling with his eyes. “But…eventually, I quit football and devoted myself to my training. Fighting stankified classmates got easier. Fighting McFist junk became child’s play. Every Ninja’s journey is different, and no one’s saying you need everything figured out right now. You’re doing great.”

I smile. “Thank you. That’s…really comforting.”

’05 gives me a gentle nod in return. “Now, you have a way to travel to other realms. These may aid you in battle or better your understanding of your reality. Their uses may not be obvious at first, but trust me, they all have their purpose.”

“Okay but why magic snot?”

The past Ninja shrugs. “Ninja powers work in mysterious ways.” He cocks his head to the side and points at me. “And, hey, maybe you should call that boyfriend of yours when you get outta here. Your aura’s going nuts right now.”

Before I know it, I’m face down in the Nomicon at the desk under my bed. Fear still hangs in my mind, haunting my thoughts and the state of my stomach. I hug myself and take a breath. I’m not sure what to think until one of my knees twinge.

I rub it tentatively, my eyes falling on my phone. I wish I could tell Junpei about all of this. Even if I can’t, I think the Ninja of ’05 had a good idea.

…

“Hey, Randy!” Junpei’s voice is music to my ears. “How’s my handsome fella?”

“Um, I’ve been better. I’m really anxious right now. I just…wanted to hear your voice.”

“Is everything okay?” he asks softly.

Now to lie to one of the people I love. “Yeah…” I can’t come up with anything to say besides that. I’ve got no explanation. Everything’s technically fine as far as what’s happening in the moment. “Tell me something about you I don’t know yet,” I say as I close my eyes. I take some deep breaths.

“I’m on my school’s archery team,” he offers. “I usually score second best at competitions. I’m best with a crossbow and I prefer recurve bows, but school competitions only use compound bows. The school bully is actually our top archer. She’s a huge honkin’ shoob but it’s her senior year, so as long as I keep my skills sharp, I’ll automatically be our best soon.”

My smile holds out, warm and calm, as Junpei chatters on.

Chapter Text

I take a break from the Nomicon for a couple of days after that. Thinking about what’s ahead is terrifying. Anything could be out there…waiting for me. Unless I’m waiting for it? I don’t know. It’s too much.

What I do know is one of the reasons I was chosen to be the Ninja: I’m ridiculously brave…apparently. I remembered it telling me that when I brushed my teeth before bed. If I’m “ridiculously brave,” then why am I getting scared at every turn with this stuff?

The book could be wrong about that, frankly. It told me once that friendship is a weight the Ninja cannot bear, but Howard’s been nothing but loyal. Not to mention, First Ninja had his squire guy, Plop Plop, when he was alive. They were probably best friends, too! Talk about hypocrisy.

And if friendship is supposed to be too much for a Ninja, why’s it letting me date? At that, why’d it give me dating advice? Where is the line with this thing? Ugh.

Despite my many criticisms of a magic book that’s definitely wiser than I’ll ever be, I hop into bed and crack it open. Eyes closed, I say to it, “You gotta tell me more about these realms. Give me a new chapter or some kinda lore. I’ll take anything.”

I open my eyes, letting them fall on the – “Ahruuh!”

The Nomicon shloomps me into a swirling sky of kanji, letting me float harmlessly. Before me are two little funky bottles of ink, one white and one black. The white is labelled “Creation,” and the black is labelled “Nothingness.”

“When time began, there was nothing. Existence shifted silently in a universe yet defined, shapeless, dark, and muddled with chaos.”

Black ink rises from the "Nothingness" bottle, bubbling and swirling on its own. Golden and emerald flecks shine in it as it moves. The ink and its bottle fall to the side suddenly, the blackness inching towards the opposing bottle.

“Sound emerged from within the nothingness. Light breached the darkness, rising above the chaos and creating its own force of good.”

As the Nomicon’s words come to life, the "Creation" bottle falls over, too. White ink accented with blue and orange glitter spills out. It oozes towards the black ink until it’s overtaken by it. Like it’s snowing in reverse, the white ink then sprinkles above the black puddle.

“Light separated from the dark, everything left over melding into a planet with its own realm and lifeforms. These lifeforms live between the light and the darkness. Some rise like the light. Some fall into darkness.”

The still-spilled ink is now a dark grey. It swirls above itself into a smooth sphere. It flashes red once before blue oceans and green land overtake it.

“Light cannot exist without darkness. Creation cannot exist without nothingness. They remain separated in isolation, for if they were to come together again, the universe may start anew.”

I hum a thoughtful note. “This is definitely one of those ‘better understand whatever’ things,” I say to myself. “Wait, what chapter is this?”

Japanese kanji appears above the Earth, quickly transitioning into English: “Preface to Chapters 3 and 4.”

Why does a magic book have so much actual book stuff in it? Why does it have a prologue? Why does it have chapter prefaces? Is First Ninja responsible for all this? Can I file a formal Ninja complaint with him? Please?

I’m pulled back suddenly by my hood. An invisible force heaves me back like a baseball and sends me soaring into the floating earth. There’s a splash and then nothing. I’m floating again, this time in a dark, featureless void. The Realm of Nothingness, I presume. How enthralling.

“Uh huh, the dark. Very spooky. C’mon, Nomicon. I – ah!”

Against the darkness, a light shines, a Ninja sitting at its center. The Ninja scarf covers his eyes, the only visible part of his face being his nose and cheeks. His neck, barren of the traditional red scarf, is accented by a weird popped collar of a waistcoat. It’s secured beneath his collarbone with the red Ninja symbol. Red embroidery stretches from it along the edges of the coat. The same embroidery traces the loose sleeves dangling from his elbows.

A bō staff lays in his lap, his hands gently resting atop it. On his hands, he’s wearing black fingerless gloves secured by red ribbons at his wrists.

“Ninja 199,” he says slowly with a hint of a British accent, “are you ready to experience the depths of the Realm of Nothingness?”

“Uhh…who are you?”

“Ninja 136; the Ninja of 1805. I am the last Ninja that was bound to Hanako.”

I blink a few times and scan over his suit again. I focus on the scarf around his eyes. Before I can ask any inconsiderate questions, doodle words scribble above his head: “The Blindfolded Ninja! Heightened senses! Sharp dresser!”

The words scatter off as 1805 addresses me again. “I’ll be your guide to this realm. I’m quite familiar with it. I favored this one in my time, and it was rather useful in battle.”

Nodding, I say, “Bruce, bruce. Tell me everything I need to know.”

“Close your eyes,” 1805 instructs. After I do, he continues, “This space may seem empty and quiet, but I assure you it isn’t. When you stop and listen, when you stop and feel the energy, you’ll come to realize the reality of it.

“Something must come from nothing, but maybe the nothing isn’t what it seems. Being blind, this reality came to me quickly. Give yourself a moment, and it will come to you, too.”

With a deep breath, I try to focus on whatever might be in here. For a while, I feel like 1805 is messing with me. Time distorts and nothing happens. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here, but it seems kinda pointless.

I can’t imagine what there was to do in in the 1800s, so maybe this is 1805’s version of fun. Not entirely a good time but whatever.

Something cold slithers across my back and it takes everything in me not to freak out. Another thing brushes past my leg and I’m not sure if it was the same thing or not.

A subtle, barely-there wind tussles my hair. A deep whale song rides the air. Faintly, I can also hear cicadas making that exhausted hot summer noise. Mixed into that is a steady, hollow bonking noise.

“In this realm, you’ll find the remnants and bits and pieces of what our realm is built from. That is to say, chaos still lingers here. To the untrained warrior, it goes unnoticed.”

My brows drawn together, I ask, “Can I summon this stuff in battle?”

“I’m afraid not. However, when in a pinch, you can send the attacks of your enemies into the realm. It’s also good for clean up, so to speak.”

“So to speak?”

“Let’s say your enemy has destroyed a nearby carriage beyond repair.”

“Carriage?”

1805 ignores me and goes on, “You open a portal, use the Air Fist to push it in, and poof – mess gone.”

“That…sounds like littering.”

“Oh, don’t be a fopdoodle. I’m not sure what happens to outside materials here, but I assure you, eventually they disappear. Whether it’s the realm’s will, a natural process, or otherwise – it isn’t something to fret over.”

“Do note,” 1805 adds, “you shouldn’t send living beings into this realm. The NinjaNomicon warns against it.”

I’ve got the picture but I’m kinda stuck on something. “Fopdoodle? The honk’s a fopdoodle?”

The past Ninja hums. “Do people not say that anymore?”

“Uh, no, don’t think so.”

“But…people are still saying ‘bruce’?”

“Yeah, totally.”

“That’s a choice, I suppose,” 1805 sighs. “Well, Ninja 199, it was nice to meet you. I hope you put this information to good use.”

I open my eyes in time to watch him poke me with his staff. As he retracts it, I try to get another word in. “Wait, do you know anything else about – oof!”

The staff hits me hard in the chest, sending me flying into the void. I hear 1805 shout, “Farewell!” and then I’m lying in bed. Where does this whole beating me up thing come from? Is this a natural NinjaNomicon instinct? Ugh.

Chapter Text

Howard leans against his locker as I shuffle through mine. “The Realm of Nothingness is actually a realm of somethingness? That’s an oxymoron,” he says flatly.

Math book in hand, I close my locker. “I didn’t come up with it.”

“Still stupid.”

“It’s still nothing but like, there’s something inside the nothing. Or the nothing itself is something?”

As we head towards our next class, Howard shakes his head. “Oxymoron.”

“You’re an oxymoron.” I think for a moment. “And I think you mean ‘paradox.’”

“You’re a paradox.”

Flute Girl walks by us, her textbooks against her chest and annoyance behind her glasses. “You guys are idiots,” she says flatly.

Howard and I exchange a look of our own annoyance, but we don’t have a comeback. We go right back to Ninja talk – quieter, of course. “How the juice are you supposed to utilize the realms for battle anyway? Especially when you have to sneeze gunk out for it?” Howard asks.

“I don’t know,” I sigh. “I’m getting a lot of explanation for stuff but it still feels like I’m dealing with bare bone info. ’05 and 1805 were helpful but I’m not sure by how much.”

My best friend hums a note. “What if we looked for ’05? Maybe he still lives in Norrisville.”

Without hesitation, I refuse. “I’m not getting into another Mac Antfee situation. I can’t deal with that on top of everything else.”

“Would the Nomicon really set you up with a shoob mentor like that? You haven’t had a teenage Mac try to teach you anything in there. ’05 was probably a stand up dude.”

“Howard, I’m not risking it. I gotta deal with robots, stank beasts, the Dragon, and school. I don’t need another power-hungry ex-Ninja coming for my head.”

Howard rolls his eyes. “Whatever you say, Cunningham.”

Before our (now normal) eighth period library snooze, I get a text from Junpei. He invited me over to his house to read The Great Gatsby.

“Aw, what?” Howard exclaims. “I thought we were gonna do something!”

I shrug. “We can do something tomorrow.”

Howard isn’t having it. “Why the honk would he invite you over to read actual books?”

“Because both of our English classes are reading it.”

“Pft, we’re not reading that.” He crosses his arms and huffs.

“Uh, yeah, we are.” I pull my copy out of my satchel and wave it in front of Howard’s face. “Maybe you should start paying attention in class.”

“I – well! Okay, I should.” He pushes the book away. “My point is, why wasn’t I invited to this? If we’re all reading the same book, I should be there, too.”

I replace the paperback in my bag, and say, “I’m pretty sure this is a study date.”

“Lame.”

“Howard, just read it yourself. It’s a normal chapter book.” He ignores me so I add, “This is probably a good opportunity to get Dad’s meatloaf recipe. Read the book for once, get an ‘A’ on the report. Easy peasy.”

He reclines in the library’s beanbag chair, his brows drawn together. “I think I missed that boat like two book reports ago,” he mutters.

“It doesn’t hurt to try,” I offer.

Howard groans, further sinking into the chair.

I tap away on my phone, letting Junpei know I’ll be there. Message sent, I give my best friend a sympathetic look. “If you have trouble with the book, I’ll help you. This is just like…a date thing.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Oh no, I think to myself, I actually have to make a best friend-boyfriend schedule. If it’s not the three of us together, I gotta try to be equal with hanging out with them separately.

I do what I can. Junpei and I will have tonight – Thursday – together. Then I’ll spend time with Howard on Friday. Then Junpei again on Saturday. Then I’ll see if I can get us together as a trio to do something on Sunday.

The key to this is for Howard not to be such a jealous shoob. That or he just needs to accept doing homework by himself for once. Either works.

Okay, the real key to the best friend-boyfriend schedule – the BFBF schedule, if you will – is for McFist to chillax with all these stupid robots. It’s been a week since the stank kraken, and he’s just throwing robots into the city? For why?

I had to cancel on Junpei on Thursday due to an onslaught of rampaging snake robots. They were swallowing people and cars and for some reason, specifically “No Parking” signs. It took like three hours to find all of the robo snakes – there were nine of them in drastically different parts of Norrisville – and fight them without harming their victims.

Then I had to cut Friday short with Howard because the McZambonis at Snow-klahoma turned into rampaging polar bears. When I finally defeated them, the owner (or the manager – I don’t know) yelled at me for forty-five minutes straight because I caused so much property damage. I should’ve left and gone back to Howard, but the good kid in me was like, “An adult is scolding you for something you’re responsible for; you have to stand here and take it.”

By the time the guy was done yelling at me, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. No one’s ever brought me so close to tears for literally saving the day.

I was so tempted to just go into town as the Ninja for praise from random people. I was extra tempted to go to Junpei’s as the Ninja so he could gush all about me all over me. Why are some people so ungrateful for the things I do? I could just quit permanently. I did it once temporary and once accidentally. I can do it on purpose if that’s what they really want.

The BFBF schedule and my emotional state in shambles, I spend the rest of my Friday night lying face down in bed. It’s the only thing I am physically capable of at this very moment.

Chapter Text

I don’t know if a real BFBF schedule is possible. I scrap it entirely when I wake up Saturday morning to texts from both Howard and Junpei. Surprisingly, they both want to go to get breakfast at the local breakfast-chain, O’Splendor’s Pancake Eatery. I’ll take it.

Howard’s thankfully fine with Junpei coming to breakfast with us, and Junpei doesn’t mind this not being a date. We’ve gotta get together more as a group or I’m gonna lose my mind.

Breakfast goes smoothly, and we carry on the day with some gaming at the Game Hole. I’m so off my game. Every fighter, shooter, racing, and dance game is a no go for me. I lose every turn, every round, and the entirety of every game.

After a particularly sad round of a Grave Puncher game, Howard punches me hard in the shoulder and gloats, “Cunningham, you’re so far from the zone you’re gonna need airlifted back!” He victoriously marches away before turning back to me. “Got any more tokens?”

Not so reluctantly, I drop my last six tokens into his hand. I’m not in the mood for this anymore.

Howard scampers off to another game cabinet, and I stuff my hands in my pockets, slowly following. A hand on my shoulder stops me. “Hey,” Junpei says, “are you okay? You seem really down today.”

“I don’t know. I think I slept too long or something.”

“Does this help?” He graces my cheek with a peck. A gentle heat lights beneath my skin.

“Maybe,” I chuckle. Then, before I know it, he kisses my lips. “Oh, that definitely helps.”

Junpei drapes his arms around my shoulders and we kiss again. I don’t stop to think if any Norrisville students are here until Howard interrupts us. “Uh, lovebirds, we’re kinda in the middle of an epic game throw down. Ya think you save this for later?”

Junpei pats my shoulder. “I’ll avenge you, my sweet. I’ll make the bad man suffer.” He throws his arms up, lets out a battle cry, and runs off. He disappears behind some game cabinets and shoves Howard. “Move it, Weinerman!”

I look around briefly. The Game Hole seems particularly empty today. Kinda weird for a Saturday. At least I haven’t outed myself by…enjoying my relationship in public.

Sweet cheese. Why is everything in my life so honkin’ exhausting?

After we’ve exhausted all of our Saturday activities, we part ways. Howard goes home, and I make a pit stop at my house and head to Junpei’s. Once we’re at his house, we go to his room and settle in for a very exciting reading of The Great Gatsby. Enthralling, truly.

I’m just glad it’s not 200 pages long.

Our packets for this book are kinda identical. The only difference is his has a question about whether or not you think the book has homoerotic subtext. I almost know what that means.

“Think about it,” Junpei says, “Nick wakes up in his underwear in bed with some random dude. They totally could’ve been doing something.”

I squint at the question in Junpei’s packet.

“Not to mention, there’s the potential argument that Nick is in love with Gatsby and doesn’t know it. The aggressive heteronormativity of the 1920s’ll do that to ya.”

He lost me.

Junpei snorts. “Alright, maybe we should take a break.”

“Oh my Ninja, thank you!” I lean back on his little green sofa and drop my book. Junpei’s got the sofa and his coffee table in the middle of the room. I think he said something about vacuuming and then being too lazy to move it back.

My hands fall back into my lap but my eyes stay on the ceiling.

“Say, Randy?”

“Hm?”

“By chance, do you punch when tickled?” My eyes widen and quickly find Junpei inching towards me with wiggling fingers.

“Uh, n – mmm, well.” I start scooching back and shielding myself. “I, uh, h’oh boy, there’s a way out of this.”

“No there isn’t.” Junpei gets a couple of laughs out of me while I try to slap his hands away. When I think I’ve got a little space between us, Junpei pounces on me and knocks me to the floor.

Thump!

Pshhhhh!

My boyfriend’s fingers still attacking my sides, I look beyond myself to see the NinjaNomicon has slid out of my inner pocket and is laying out in the open…on my boyfriend’s floor.

The smile on my face is able to dwindle as Junpei lets up on his tickle attack. “Oh no, your,” he pauses, “math book? You should probably get that.” He lets me up, and I hurry (in a totally nonchalant way) to shove the book in my satchel. There’s a weird silence in the room as I do it.

“Did you have to bring your math book…to my house?”

“I mean…you never know when you have to do math.”

“Sure, sure.” Junpei’s back on the sofa. “Why do you keep it in your sweatshirt, though?”

“Oh, you know, in case of…math.” Standing by him, I scratch the back of my head. I’ve got to change the subject quickly, and I know exactly how. “Say, do you punch when tickled?”

It’s Junpei’s turn to stutter and try to get out of the inescapable battle he started.

Howard has to bail on our Sunday plans for a surprise McFist company barbeque. Neither of us are thrilled about it but apparently Marci McFist makes a mean pasta salad, so it’s not a total loss. It also gives me more Junpei time.

I help him move his sofa and table back to their place against the wall. Once the deed is done, Junpei has a proposition for me. “Alright, I know you’re keeping things private and quiet, but do you think you’d be up for me painting your nails?”

We’re seated at his coffee table. He’s on the sofa and I’m sitting on a cushion opposite of him. I check the cleanliness of my nails before splaying my hands out on the table. “Sure, go for it. Maybe nothing too flashy, though.”

“I can do black with a matte top coat. It’ll be nice and discreet.” Junpei pauses as he produces nail polish and a nail file from under the table. “I didn’t think you’d be so open to this.”

“Psh! When Howard and I were little, his sister and her friends liked to play ‘salon’ and we were their best customers.” I shrug as Junpei starts filing my nails. They must not be in the best shape. “And frankly, I’m no stranger to some eyeliner.”

My boyfriend giggles, and I can’t help but notice a loose curl hanging in front of his ear. Does this guy even know how beautiful he is? Does he know how sweet and cool he is?

I almost swoon right there in front of him.

Man, I’m so lucky to have Junpei in my life.

Chapter Text

Monday morning, I get to school and subsequently, my locker before Howard. He slept through his alarm again. While I’m trying to figure out where my math binder is, he finally appears at our lockers. “Why didn’t you wait for me?” he greets oh-so-kindly.

“You told me to just go without you if you weren’t ready.” I turn to him. His hair’s kinda misshapen but I’m sure he knows. “Do you have my math binder?”

He shrugs and gestures to his locker. I fight with the combo for a few seconds before I get the thing open. “Well, ya should’a waited for me this time because boy, do I have news for you!”

Why does Howard have a hockey stick in here? Where’d this come from? “Yeah, what?” I ask absently. My binder has to be in here somewhere. If I don’t have it, Howard usually does.

“I talked to – wait. Are your nails painted?” He gasps like I murdered his firstborn. “Did you play salon without me?”

“Junpei painted my nails.” Math binder finally in hand, I raise an eyebrow. “Jealous?”

“Yes! Obviously! I can’t believe this!”

I offer him his own open locker but he closes it, petty anger on his brow. “Dude, just borrow Heidi’s nail polish.”

“I will! My nails are gonna be so honkin’ sparkly and epic, you’ll be so jealous!”

“I’ll just have Junpei sparkle ‘em up next time.”

“You think you can out-sparkle me, Cunningham?”

I bend down, shoving my face in his. “Oh, I know I can out-sparkle you!”

Howard inches closer. “It’s on! You’re going down!”

“Bring it, baby!”

“I’ll bring it alright!”

I notice someone standing behind Howard and stand straight. He notices the loss in tension and turns to our guest. It’s just Bucky. “Are you guys arguing about nail polish?”

I say, “No.”

Howard says, “Yes.”

We exchange a look and swap our answers. We’re not good at this.

Bucky shakes his head, the yellow poof on his band uniform hat swaying with it. “Can you guys move? I need to get my back up triangle. The original seems to have gone back to Bermuda! Zing!”

Howard and I blink.

“Never mind. Can you just – thank you.”

“You good, Hensletter?” Howard asks.

Bucky, a new triangle and dinger in hand, sighs. “Not really. Someone keeps stealing the instruments from the band room. Debbie Kang’s been hounding everyone about it. Word is I’m her next suspect.”

I cringe. “Good luck with that, man.”

“Thanks.” He sighs again. “I bet if the Ninja was still here, he’d figure it out,” he adds dryly.

Howard snickers. “I dunno. The guy doesn’t seem too bright.”

I stomp on his foot and shoot him a look. The audacity.

The next day, Howard meets me outside our houses with a mildly glittery coat of nail polish on. He taunts me with them, the blue polish shining dully in the morning light. “Take that!”

Leaning on my handlebars, I blow him off. “That’s hardly sparkly.”

“Well, it’s the only one Heidi let me use. So…shut up.”

We bicker back and forth all the way to school. Even after we park and lock up our bikes, we’re still going at it. Our day is filled with discreetly flipping each other off to display our vastly different nails.

Howard doesn’t seem to notice, but throughout the day, people keep looking at him like he’s a freak. It doesn’t take me long to realize it’s because of his nails.

Maybe I shouldn’t up the ante on the sparkles. Maybe matte black is my limit. I can’t risk someone deciding I’m queer because of my nails.

Howard’s got nothing to worry about. He’s straight, he’s absurdly confident in everything he does… I express all this when Junpei decides to repaint my nails on Saturday. “Am I being too…sensitive about this?” I ask him.

As he’s rubbing off the original polish with acetone, Junpei shakes his head. “No way. I know where you’re coming from. When you’re closeted, everything’s a gamble. You worry about the way you walk, talk, and dress. ‘Anything could give it away,’ you tell yourself. The thing that sucks is you’re not wrong.”

“What about when you’re out? Is it…easier?”

Junpei’s expression shifts from thoughtful to disheartened. “I mean, it depends. I’ve been surrounded by the LGBT community my whole life and it’s still not easy.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been bullied for having two moms. I’ve been bullied for having a trans mom. I’ve been bullied for not being traditionally masculine. I’ve been bullied for the way I dress. I’ve been bullied from within the LGBT community itself for being asexual.” He shakes his head. “The world may be progressing but it doesn’t just go away. Coming out can honestly make it worse sometimes, but it’s all about where you’re at.

“Norrisville is kinda hit and miss. There’s the intense bigots and then there’s normal people. Who lives where? No one knows.”

Fear curdles in my stomach and I don’t know what to say.

“At the same time, coming out can open up so many new things. New interests, new identities, new friends…new opportunities.” Junpei gives me a bashful smile. “How you take it is a matter of having confidence, too. I don’t care who gives me hard time for wearing pink and purple. I. Look. Fantastic.”

I still have no words. I’m glad I’m not being weird about this but I didn’t think the reality of all this would be so harrowing.

“It also helps to have good people behind you,” he says softly. He’s done with the acetone and now we’re just holding hands. “I bet Howard would beat the ever loving snot out of anyone who looks at you the wrong way.”

“He would.” A thought strikes me. Is that why he has that hockey stick?

“I bet the Ninja paints his nails,” Junpei offers. “He seems like the type.”

My brow scrunches and my entire demeanor shifts. I chuckle. “What does that mean?”

He shrugs and reaches for his nail polish collection. “He’s a super bruce, butt-kicking hero. Why would he care about what anyone thinks of him? Guy’s a bit of a show off but he’s got a good heart.”

I take a breath, literally and mentally. I’m not ready for sparkly nail polish, even with the war Howard has made it out to be. I think I’ll build up to it. I’d like to come out eventually but I need to take my time. It’s not like I’m gonna stand on the school roof and shout, “I’m biromantic and asexual! Accept me, you shoobs!”

Just…I wanna be able to hold Junpei’s hand and kiss him in public and not care about my peers seeing me. I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells to love someone the way that I do.

Chapter Text

When Junpei finishes painting my nails, he cups my face in his hands and connects our foreheads. “You’ve been so stressed out lately. Stop it.”

“I’m trying!” I laugh. I’m enjoying staring into his eyes. He’s got so many cute flecks in those baby browns.

“Don’t let me scare you – about coming out, I mean.” He disconnects out foreheads but keeps his hands on my face. “Yeah, it’s scary but it can also be pretty empowering.”

Taking in the warmth and gentleness of his hands, I close my eyes. I hum indifferently. “You didn’t scare me anymore than I already am. I’ve kinda been afraid of getting hate crimed from day one.”

Junpei’s thumbs glide across my cheekbones. It only makes my smile grow warmer. “Not everyone is out to hate crime us, y’know.”

“I know…but still.”

My eyes pop open as he squeezes me face. “Don’t let that fear define you, you beautiful shoob. Live your life! Be the beautiful biromantic you are!”

“I’m doin’ muh besht,” I reassure him from my squished-ness.

Howard greets us the next morning, sporting some new glittery nail polish. I think it’s the same polish in a different color but silver is more sparkly than blue by default.

“What? That’s still black!” he exclaims after inspecting my nails.

“Nah, nah, nah.” Junpei grabs my hand and shifts it in the sunlight. Red flecks shine in between the black. “‘Hidden Ninja’ is a decedent black with secret red flakies.”

Howard studies my hand closely. After some silent, scathing judgement he says, “Wait a minute, I thought it was illegal to sell Ninja merch.”

Junpei waves him off. “It is but this is from a small business; the anti-merchandizing bylaw doesn’t apply to them. That’s more of a ban for big corporations, I think.”

“McFist Industries has some Ninja merch and that Ninja tour,” I say half spaced out, half spiteful. Why can’t I have merch? I could definitely use the money.

“Tch, McFist is a gazillionaire. When you’re that rich, you can basically do anything as long as you pay the fines.” Junpei swings our entwined hands between us absently as he talks. “I’m pretty sure the bylaws don’t apply to the Ninja himself, though. Do you remember how he was in all those commercials last year? That was so weird.”

Howard and I lock eyes for a moment. The free stuff from our monetization of the Ninja was great and all, but the whole thing was wonk. We’ve been greedy before – like aggressively greedy. We’re still shoobs but not like that, not anymore.

Howard breaks the air, changing the topic. “Hey, Kawakami, what do you wanna do today?” he asks.

“Oh, uh, I don’t know. I’m just happy to be included.”

“Lazer-A-Rena or Magic Funporium?” Howard asks flatly.

“Isn’t the Funporium on the other side of town?”

My best friend jabs a sparkly finger into the sky. “Lazer-A-Rena it is!”

The Lazer-A-Rena has definitely smelled better. There must be a bunch of twelve-year-olds here who haven’t discovered deodorant yet. Barf.

We manage to play a few rounds as a trio. Howard breaks off from the group to try to snipe our unsuspecting opponents but they’re usually suspecting. During our last round, Junpei breaks off from us to try to be our sniper. Archery might give him a leg up on the competition (no pun intended). We make a pretty good duo, so I bet he’s good on his own, too.

Behind one of the square purple barriers, Howard and I try to plan our next attack. I think I saw a potential victim sneaking around one of the walls. “I feel like our losing streak is your fault,” Howard snarks.

“Whoa, I don’t think so. You keep tripping over nothing and alerting the other team!”

“I’m telling you, they shifted everything in here by like two inches! It’s throwing me off.” He sniffles and wipes his nose on his shirt collar. “This place needs sprayed down. Sweet cheese, it smells awful in here.”

I peek over our hiding spot. A tuft of hair bobs through the circular cutout in the wall barrier. “Cover me. I’m going in.” With quick, quiet steps I get over to the wall and fire my laser gun. The other kid groans as their vest blinks and dings. “Ha! Take that,” I fight off gagging, “kid who needs to learn the value of soap and deodorant.”

They blow a raspberry at me and run off. I turn to high five Howard but doodle words flash in my vision: “The eyes can be deceived, but the nose always knows.”

What?

I scan the area, ready to see the Sorceress somewhere. When she shapeshifts into a human, she has this magnetic, hypnotic draw. No matter what, though, she smells like death. That’s her giveaway.

That would also explain the stench in here.

“Where’s –”

THWACK!

“AH! What the juice, man!?”

I drop my laser gun and sprint towards Junpei’s voice. He’s in the process of sitting up, his hand stuck to his face. I drop by his side and try to get a look at him. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“Some guy just hit me with a laser gun.” He pulls his hand away briefly, revealing a sharp cut by his right eye. He draws in a hissing breath and reapplies the pressure to the wound. He’s bleeding more than either of us want to admit.

“What’d he look like?”

Junpei shakes his head. “Uh, some angry blond guy. Red shirt, maybe? Ow, ow.”

Howard comes around the corner. “You shoobs good?”

I help Junpei to his feet and kinda pass him onto Howard. “Can you take him to First Aid? I have to care of something.”

“Randy, don’t,” my boyfriend urges me. “Let’s just leave.”

“I’m gonna get to the bottom of this. Go get patched up.” I nod to Howard. He rolls his eyes but leads Junpei away. He protests for a few steps but whatever pain he’s experiencing distracts him.

I walk into the middle of some barriers. The pop music playing over the speakers is quiet and it crackles too much to identify any lyrics. Some lasers fire off around the room.

I turn my nose to the air and take a big whiff of the building’s stench: a dirty onion smell, the stench of several cans of teen body spray…and fish.

Are you kidding me? Seth is in here somewhere and he assaulted my Junpei? There’s no way to be gentle about this. I hop into a barrier tube and don the Ninja mask, immediately calling on the Art of Stealth. Silently, I zip from shadow to shadow. My eyes search every nook and cranny like it’s life or death.

Let’s face it. This is life or death for Seth. If I find him, he’s a dead man.

A wall of doodle words stall my search: “The Ninja shall not use his powers for personal vendettas.”

That’s a new one but it’s also a stupid one. “Personal vendetta” my ass. Seth just assaulted someone. I bat the words away and keep moving. After scouring the entirety of the arena, however, I come up empty handed. He’s just gone? Just like that? Wonk.

I desuit and leave the play zone. I’m so honkin’ angry. I dumped Seth forever ago and now he’s suddenly on a rampage against me?

At least Junpei’s okay. The cut isn’t as deep as it looks; the human face is just good at bleeding. First Aid cleaned him up and slapped a couple of those butterfly bandages over the cut.

“Your ex?” he echoes as we leave the building. “The one that wouldn’t let you leave the relationship?”

Howard grumbles under his breath, “Fuckin’ hate that guy.”

I’ve got a hand on Junpei’s lower back. I wish I could just hold him all day. “Probably. I’m just, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think something like this would happen.”

“Cunningham, we knew that guy was wonk. This isn’t that surprising,” Howard cuts in.

“Did you think he was gonna do this?”

He crosses his arms. “Not technically but he seems like the revenge type.”

“Either way,” Junpei says, “it’s not like you sent him after me. I’m glad you broke up with him. I hate to imagine what he would’ve done to you.”

Howard snickers and nudges me. “I hate to imagine what you would’ve done to him.” He leans past me to meet my boyfriend’s gaze. “When he dumped him, Cunningham flipped the dude and threatened to kill him!”

I try to protest Howard saying that at all but Junpei isn’t fazed. “The shoob probably deserved it.” He leans his head back on my shoulder and I’m immediately absorbed into those brown eyes. “Glad to hear my guy’s a star fighter.” He rolls his head just enough to peck my cheek.

“Me? Fight? Pffft, me – I, uh. Heheh… Pfft.”

Howard rolls his eyes at me as my face flushes but he’s totally smiling.

Chapter Text

“What’s with your face? What’d you do?” is Howard’s “hello” when he meets me for our bike ride to school.

With a full, toothy grin, I ask, “What face? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Howard’s stare drills into me, one of his eyebrows raised.

“C’mon! It’s not like I snuck into Junpei’s bedroom last night while he was asleep and healed his eye.” I bite my lip. “And even if I did do that, I definitely didn’t kiss his forehead before I left.”

My best friend blinks a few times before sighing heavily. He turns his bike and starts on our route. I’m quick to meet his pace. “What?”

“You’re not gonna tell your boyfriend you’re the Ninja but you’re gonna do that?”

“I owed it to him. It’s my fault he got attacked.”

We come to a stop at the crosswalk. “How the juice was that your fault?”

“I don’t know. It just…feels like it is?”

“Cheese… You gonna get revenge?”

The walk light blinks on and we make our way across the road. I swerve a little to miss a discarded soda can. “I’d love to, but the NinjaNomicon said I shouldn’t.”

“Listen to it for once, would ya?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

My day comes to a halt when Debbie Kang corners me on my way to lunch. “Spill the beans, Randy. What do you know about the Great Decrescendo?” She holds an old tape recorder to my face. I push it away.

“The what?”

“The Great Decrescendo! The Silence of the Bands! The Acapella-lypse!” she exclaims.

I tilt my head. I literally have no idea what she’s talking about.

Debbie grumbles and hangs her head. She lifts it quickly, propping a fist on her hip. “You know, how someone’s been stealing all the band instruments?”

“Oh! Why didn’t you just say that?”

Debbie closes in on me, actually backing me into a corner. She shoves the recorder back in my face. “Where are the instruments, Randy?” she urges.

“How the juice should I know? What would I want with a bunch of instruments?”

“Your band isn’t successful. You’re getting desperate. If the school band can’t play at events, that leaves you and Howard.”

I let my eyes dart to the left as my brow scrunches. “First of all: rude. Second: that’s ridiculous.”

Debbie, considerably shorter than me, leans up closer. She squints at me, lips pursed. I maintain my stance and keep quiet. This is a terrible interrogation method.

She turns on her heel with a huff, her fist back on her hip. “Man, I thought that would work this time.” She taps her recorder against her chin before turning back to me. “Howard doesn’t have them either then, does he?”

“Nope.”

“Dang it.” Debbie clicks off the tape recorder and grabs a notepad and pen from her back pocket. It looks like a list of names, and she’s crossing off mine and Howard’s. “I don’t understand. There’s no solid motive, no clear evidence… The school doesn’t have the funding to replace everything, so it can’t be an inside job.” She flips to the next couple of pages, searching them for something.

“It could be a senior prank gone wrong,” I suggest, “but also, I don’t care. So, bye.” I walk around her and make my way towards the cafeteria.

“Wait, Randy, are your nails painted?”

I freeze. I don’t turn around. I don’t even glance down at my hand to double check that the nail polish is still there. “Uh, yeah. What of it?” I respond stiffly.

“Nothing. Just asking.” I hear her put her pen to paper again. “You don’t have to be weird about it.”

Fight or flight kicks in. “Neither do you.”

That instinct kicks in again when someone whispers, “Ladykillers or ladywannabes?” when we’re eating.

Without missing a beat, Howard counters, “Mmm, how about we’re comfortable enough in our masculinity to explore our self-expression?” He doesn’t whisper it and he holds a firm, definitely uncomfortable amount of eye contact with the person who said it. “What’s that? An insurmountable pile of shame? Huh, imagine that!”

He turns back to our lunch table and bites into his sandwich like that didn’t just happen. He said it with such authority, it knocked me down completely from my freaked out frozenness. “Dude, where’d that come from?”

“Listen, when you get into the you-know-what stuff for your best friend, ya get a little invested in the politics and the philosophies.” He takes another bite of his meal, chewing slowly, and offers me his fist. My smile returning, I bump his fist and we do the short version of our handshake. “I’ve got your back, Cunningham.”

Chapter Text

I’m gasping for air in the middle of the street. My eyes dart up to the robot looming over me, its eyes gleaming with robotic pride. This thing just punched me in the chest and sent me flying. Nothing seems to be broken but honkin’ ow.

Today, my enemy is a mosquito bot. It stands on four spindly legs with two massive arms hanging at its sides. A pair of McFlexiglass wings stretch out from its back. A long beak thing sticks out from between its glowing disco ball eyes.

I scooch back on the asphalt, my mind racing for my next move.

The mosquito bot raises its fists above its head, robo-fingers interlocked, ready for another Ninja smack down. I throw the Ninja scarf around its wrists, jumping up and backwards. The whole thing crashes into the ground. I take the opportunity to whip out a sword and charge. One swing and I can get back to Howard and Junpei. We were in the middle of Junpei teaching us how to skate and then this happened.

This is my typical Wednesday, of course. If I’m not staring down the barrel of danger at some point in the week, am I really living?

A foot away from my target, I get slapped to the side by one of the bot’s powerful arms. I slam into a car, denting the driver’s door like a soda can. “Ahah, my liver,” I groan. “My spine.”

Tictictictictictic!

I pull myself from my pain and the car, the mosquito’s path of destruction locked back on me. I chuck a chain sickle around its beak and leap into the air, landing on its shoulders. The wings on its back flutter to life. We lift off into the sky as the wings create a vacuum affect. The Ninja scarf is sucked in and gets shredded to bits. Didn’t think those things were sharp. Good to know.

Tightening my grip on the sickle’s chain, I produce a sai and sink it into the robot’s head. Electricity sparks but instead of the monstrosity falling to the ground, it grabs my scarf and throws me through a storefront window. A barrage of chairs and tables catch me before I hit the floor.

“Cool, no, this is fine,” I mutter to myself. Despite my enemy storming towards me again, I divert my attention to the side. In the corner of this now destroyed café is a group of quivering civilians. Among them is Howard and Junpei…because of course.

“Go get ‘em, Ninja!” Howard encourages. Everyone else follows suit. Everyone but Junpei. He looks on worriedly, probably scared, too. The rest of these people are too used to this, which is pretty wonk when you think about it.

I leap up, brandishing a new sword. “Ninja Back in Action!”

BAM!

Back in the chairs and tables I go. Something somewhere in my body pops. I slam my hand against my chest, using the Ninja Art of Heal to mend everything before any new pain or injuries can set in.

Glass crunches before me as the mosquito bot enters the building. It shadows over me, the sai still sticking out of its head, the sickle hanging off its face. I ready my attack in time for its head to snap towards the group in the corner. “Ninja Air Fist!”

The bot goes flying back into the street and I pursue it. It bounces on the asphalt once before its wings come to life and it’s airborne. I throw some Ninja rings towards it but it easily slaps them away.

Maybe this is simpler than I’m making it out to be. “Ninja Raijū Strike!” Blue and yellow energy overtake the Ninja suit as I fire a blue bolt of lightning from my hands. Before it reaches the mosquito bot, its beak opens like a blooming flower to reveal…an antenna?

The Raijū lightning hits the antenna. It stays there. I-I can’t move it.

I will my left arm to separate from the attack, pointing it towards the sky. A crackle of electricity slithers off my finger only to shlorp back up my arm. My hand smacks back into the other one, the lightning continuing to pour out of me.

I watch as the blue and yellow energy leeches off the suit, crawling up my arms until it leaves my fingertips. The lingering lightning snaps in the air, shifting from Raijū blue to Ninja red. I can’t stop this. I don’t know what to do.

Exhaustion overcomes me and I drop to my knees, hands still suspended, this other energy draining from my body. Breathing becomes hard. Staying conscious becomes nearly impossible. White blotches thump in my vision. Fuck.

A high pitched whine fills my ears and I’m not sure what it is until – KABOOM!

I collapse to the ground, fighting for air like I’m drowning. I’m shaking. I could barf but I don’t.

“Ninja, Ninja!” Howard’s voice comes from somewhere. It sounds distant; I’m not sure where he is. I’m not sure where I am. “Dude, you okay?” A pressure touches my back.

"Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!”

“Kawakami, grab some water!”

Sweat pours off my face. I can’t breathe. I can’t feel my legs.

“C’mon, man, drink some water.” Howard pulls the Ninja mask over my nose and puts a cold water bottle in my hand. Some kinda weird instinct kicks in and I chug the entire thing. I drop the bottle and resume my struggling position, sitting on my knees, both hands flat on the ground.

I nod a few times. Breathing is still a problem but my vision has settled down. “I’m good, I’m good. I’m fine.”

Howard pats my back twice. He shouts off behind us. “Ninja’s okay, everybody!”

A small crowd cheers in response.

Although wobbly, I stand and throw a smoke bomb at the ground.

I desuit in an alley a block away. That thing took the Raijū energy and then it tried to take my own. I let myself lean against a wall and sink to the ground. I don’t feel right. Even the water in my stomach is sloshing uneasily. I think I almost died. Like, straight up almost died.

If I just hang out here for a bit, I think I’ll be okay. Tonight’s gonna be one of those nights I skip dinner and collapse in bed until school tomorrow. It’s only 4:30 now, but cheese, I need the rest.

Chapter Text

Thankfully, I wake up alive Thursday morning. Albeit, I feel like a towel drenched in wet cement. I am alive, nonetheless, which is all I can ask for some days.

The day rolls quietly and quickly. The only hiccup during school is when some of Bash’s bully friends make fun of my nails. Between being dead tired and not being willing to defend myself, I ignore it. Howard throws out a pretty good comeback, though. It was something like, “Oh yeah? I pity you guys if you ever have daughters that wanna do your nails. If you’re too ‘manly’ to have some fun, then what’s the point?”

When we get home, Junpei’s waiting patiently on my porch. Howard and I dismount our bikes and lean them against the side of the house. “Hey, what are you doing here?” I ask.

Junpei doesn’t answer right away as we hug. Instead, he pulls me in for an extra tender kiss. “I realized we haven’t talked about The Great Gatsby in a while. Have you started your essay yet?”

I blink and turn to Howard. “Did we start our book reports?”

“Uh… I did by like two sentences.” He offers me a half-hearted shrug. “No clue where you are.”

Junpei, one of his hands in mine, says, “I can help you guys get started.”

As Howard puts on his thinking face, I reply, “Aw, you don’t have to do that. We procrastinate like crazy but we’re capable.”

“Well, I figured this was also a good time to make up for yesterday. That robot interrupted us big time.” Junpei pecks my cheek and I almost melt. He’s so kindhearted.

“Ehh, I think I can manage on my own,” my best friend finally says. “I’m sure you two can ‘manage,’” he winks, “fine without me.”

“Uh, what does that mean?”

Howard bounces his eyebrows. “You know what I mean.”

Junpei giggles but I deadpan, “Don’t be gross.”

He starts heading for his house, leaving his bike here. “Don’t lie to me, Cunningham, you’re gonna smooch him. You’re gonna smooch him good.”

“Howard.”

“You’re no fun. Smooch him like you mean it, Kawakami!”

“I will!”

Oh my Ninja. These two almost get along too well.

Full disclosure, we do smooch a little. And it is, in fact, good.

The essay writing is also pretty decent. Junpei shows me how to write an outline – with color coding, even – and he guides me to paragraph three out of five. The whole thing is easier than it usually is. Maybe that’s because I’m not writing it the night before it’s due for once. That tends to add a lot of stress to the process.

Also, as much as I love Howard, he’s not the most helpful guy during homework or projects.

The closing sentence done for the second body paragraph, I proclaim we should take a break and Junpei agrees. “Can I get you anything? A drink or a snack or something?” I ask. We’re sitting at the kitchen peninsula. I would’ve taken him up to my room but it’s kinda messy. I wanna vacuum and spray some air freshener around before I let him in there.

“What would a ‘something’ be?” he asks, a brow raised.

I’m getting a couple of glasses from the cupboard - wine glasses specifically, so we can feel fancy. “Mmm, a fridge magnet? I can offer you a lima bean with sunglasses or a ‘I love my bi son’ written on bison.” I pause. “When did that get there?”

Junpei chuckles and stretches out a hand. “Lima bean me.” I pass him the magnet. He lifts his left leg onto the back of my seat, pulling up his pantleg. Then he literally slaps the magnet onto the metal part of his prosthetic. It sticks and he immediately breaks into a huge grin. We both break out laughing.

This guy drives me wild – I can barely even handle it sometimes.

Once we calm down, I restick the lima bean to the fridge, pour us some apple juice, and bust out a bag of pretzels. I reclaim my seat and we do a little snacking and small talk.

“You know,” I say, “I’ve been thinking about pet names, and I think I’ve got a pretty perfect one for you.”

“Oh yeah? Hit me.”

“Junebug.”

Junpei shoots me down instantly. “Only my grandma can call me ‘Junebug.’”

I grumble a little and lean on the counter. “Alright…how about I call you…my Junie-pie?”

“That’s so cute!”

“Only the best for my Junie-pie,” I coo before pecking his cheek. “Got one for me?”

Junpei sips his apple juice thoughtfully. “Maybe but it’s embarrassing.”

“Tell me! Tell me!” I poke his side a few times. “Tell me!”

He smacks my hands away, smile wide. “I was thinking…Koyo.”

I gasp. “What does that mean?”

“It literally translates to ‘red leaves’ in Japanese but it’s also the word for when the leaves change color. I thought since fall’s my favorite season and you’re my favorite person –” I don’t let him finish. I pull him off his chair and into my lap so I can give him a good squeeze. We giggle the entire time.

Chapter Text

Circa midnight, my phone blares and vibrates in a panic. My eyes creak open reluctantly. There’s a beast or a robot somewhere, and you won’t believe who has to take care of it.

In downtown Norrisville is a porcupine robot. It’s bipedal and equipped with laser cannons for arms and of course, a field of spikes on its back.

It’s too late for this. Was this even released on purpose? At this hour?

The bot’s arms whine as they build up energy. Anticipating an easy win, I hurl some Tiny Giant Exploding Balls towards the cannons. Inches from kerplunking into them, two bright green beams shoot at me. I sprint out of the way but they’re focused on me and me alone.

I leap onto a car. I spring up to a lamp post. I make the effort to jump across the street to another lamp post. It doesn’t matter. The lasers follow me with an unnerving loyalty. They also burn straight through anything they touch.

The lasers die as I take cover behind some construction equipment. I pop atop it to throw some more Ninja Balls but I end up ducking just as quick. The porcu-bot’s quills fly from its back, scattering like an unguarded sneeze.

One of them strike a cement bag in the construction area. The bag busts open, loose dust flying everywhere. A lot of it flies at me. I shield my eyes and general face area, but that doesn’t stop me from sneezing – directly into my mask, if I might add. Normally, I wouldn’t think anything of it but that isn’t a normal sneeze.

I lift the mask enough to wipe rainbow snot into my hand, which is still disgusting. The Ninja of ‘05 said this could be utilized in battle…but how?

I go over my options.

…

I have no options. I have to wing it.

Magic snot in hand, I hop onto the bulldozer’s roof. The porcu-bot spots me, lifting its arms again as they whine. I Ninja flip over it and throw my new ‘weapon’ at the street we’ve chosen to ruin this fine evening. After making a wet slap, it grows into a large, tie-dye circle.

Impatience and tiredness bite at me. It’s just sitting there, glowing uselessly.

Green beams blast at me again and I do everything I can to avoid them. “Come on,” I growl, “don’t just sit there and do nothing!”

Using the Ninja scarf to swing and leap away from the beams, I somehow come face-to-face the bot again. When I land, my right knee cramps up hard. Teeth gritted, I manage through it and slide under my enemy’s legs. A freight train of panic hits me as I careen into a black void. I manage to grab the edge of the portal where it intersects with the physical road.

I heave myself up onto the asphalt. Knee twinging, I try to finish this quickly. “Raijū Strike!”

A poof of smoke rises out of my hand. H’oh boy.

The porcupine bot spins until its back faces me and – THOOMP, THOOMP, THOOMP!

I enter the airspace once more, carefully running on and jumping from quill to quill. On the last one, I leap to the other side of the bot. It hisses at me (don’t know that that’s an accurate noise for a porcupine but I digress) and stomps towards me.

In one swift movement, I hit it with a Dragon Fist. The dragon-shaped energy slams into my opponent, exploding on impact and sending it backwards until it dips into the Realm of Nothingness.

Gripping my knee while I walk, I peer into the portal. The bot floats aimlessly and I’m good with that. After a few moments, the portal snaps shut. Good.

I’ll draw some conclusion about this in the morning. Randy needs his beauty sleep.

Chapter Text

I muscle my way through gym class the next day. My knees are killing me but exercise is supposed to help but that also feels like a huge lie. Granted, with all the ninja-ing I do, I guess it could hurt more often. Soccer probably doesn’t provide the same intensity level.

Coach Green blows on the whistle and shouts, “Good hustle, everyone! I’m looking at you, Weinerman! Nice to see you score some goals! Top notch!”

Howard stands next to me, hands on his knees. “Why’s he gotta call me out like that?” he pants.

“Go on, now, you lot! Hit the locker rooms, get changed and all that.”

We walk out of the locker room, back in our usual outfits. Howard trails behind me, messing with something on his phone. “You’re walking funny,” he informs me.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Can’t you do something about that?”

We lean against the wall by the gym doors. “I’ve tried. Anything that does is temporary.” I sigh and grab at my left knee as it twinges. I don’t know if he’s talking about Cold-Calante or Ninja Healing it but that’s true for both. “Is it supposed to rain later?”

“How the honk should I know?”

I blink slowly and deadpan, “Thanks, Howie.”

“That’s what I’m here for, Cunningham.” His brows pop up in realization. He turns his phone towards me, showing me a confused construction worker standing in front of a familiar bulldozer, huge metal spikes protruding out of it. “Hey, what happened last night?”

“McFist bot.” I shrug. “I sent it into the Realm of Nothingness.”

As the bell rings, Howard gasps, “No!” We walk out of the gym, heading towards our next class. “You figured out how to use the snot?”

A couple of girls pass us. They shoot us disgusted looks but keep going.

“Mmm, I kinda did it on accident.”

“Ugh. Hurry up and figure it out.”

I take a moment to rub my eyes and yawn. “I can only do so much with the two ounces of information I get from the Nomicon. It tells me so much and I get so little out of it.” I yawn again, this time hard enough to make my eyes water.

Howard shoves his phone in his pocket and places a hand on my shoulder. It’s not one of his usual shoves, slaps, or punches – it’s gentle and concerned. “Are you fully recovered from the mosquito fight?” he asks. “You’ve been super pale and tired since then.”

“Uh, technically? I think the Raijū energy is gone, though.”

“Okay, that sounds bad, but I’m talking about you. I feel like you need a multivitamin or something.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Did Junpei put you up to this?”

“No, you shoob. I’m asking. I can be concerned about you without your,” he coughs discreetly, “hounding me to hound you. I’ve never seen you like that before, Randy.”

We’re almost to science class. I’m not looking forward to this. We’re learning new chemical formulas or some cheese.

We stop a few feet from the door. “That thing could’ve killed me,” I say earnestly, “but I’ll be okay. I think I need some more time for…my life force or whatever to rebuild itself. That or I need like 8 naps.”

“Or more Junpei time?”

I raise a suspecting finger, pointing it my best friend’s way. “Is that why you didn’t come with us to work on the book report?”

“Exactly why. I might be able to lift your spirits, but I ain’t gonna kiss ya.”

“What?” I laugh. “Why not?”

Howard playfully punches me. “You’re handsome but you’re not that handsome.”

“Ohohoh, I’m handsome, now am I?”

“An 8 knows a fellow 8 when he sees one.”

We fist bump. “Truer words have never been spoken, buddy,” I say dreamily.

Chapter Text

It’s the middle of the week and there haven’t been any robots or stank beasts. I pace a few blocks of the city, running and sprinting from roof to roof. It’s not unusual for big gaps between McFist robots or these stank beasts, but the recent robot attacks have been pretty close together.

I take a seat on the edge of a corner store roof, giving the McIndustries pyramid a frustrated glance. If that rich shoob is planning something, he better hurry up. I wanna go home. There are brownies in the fridge and they’re calling my name.

My phone dings.

Howard: How long is the book report supposed to be?

Me: 5 paragraphs

Howard: Body or in total?

Me: In total, doofus.

Howard: Thank cheese. How goes the patrol?

Me: It’s been quiet. I think a pigeon did a mating dance in my direction tho.

Howard: Did you return the gesture? ò_ô

Me: No???

Howard: I can’t believe this! Chivalry is dead!

I shake my head, lowering my phone. Maybe I should head home. Today might be another nothing day. There hasn’t even been any petty crime.

I stand, shoving my phone back my waist sash, and scan the street below me. There’s still nothing but one last round of patrol won’t hurt.

With a few strides, I realize maybe one last round will hurt. My right knee pinches and twinges hard. I desuit long enough to slather on some Cold-Calante and do my best to continue my path.

After hopping a few buildings, I spot trouble. Against an apartment building, I notice reality ripple. The colors and lines of the world shifted for a few seconds before returning to normal. I follow the shift and tune into my Ninja Super Senses enough to realize this is an invisible McFist bot. Just as I suspected.

As far as I can tell, it’s a scorpion bot about the size of one of those tiny electric cars. What’s it doing? Where’s it going? Why doesn’t it know I’m following it?

Only time will tell as I start trailing it. For a few miles, I slip from shadow to shadow, maintaining a safe distance and never losing sight of it.

Eventually, it crawls into a dead end alley and decloaks, becoming visible. It’s grey with green detailing – like most of the McFist bots I fight.

Its spindly legs move in unison to turn the oblong body around. The arched tail hanging over its back lifts, the stinger on the tip opening, revealing a megaphone. “Good job, Ninja! You’ve abandoned your post and left Norrisville to crumble. Bravo!” a robotic voice informs me. “Self-destruct in: three, two, one.”

KABOOM!

I shield myself as chunks of robot go flying. Bafflement stalls me for a moment but I break into a panicked run to retrace my steps. This is crazy. I spent three hours running around and for what? To be tricked into following a red herring!

Now, there are explosions and collapsing buildings miles away from me. People are screaming, three fire hydrants are spewing water, and there’s an overturned bus with people actively climbing out of it.

Eventually, I get close enough to smoke bomb into the middle of everything. A giant ball of green fur sits in the middle of the street, spanning the distance from one building to the next. This almost looks like one of those fuzzy things from that one space franchise. I fear that’s what that is – especially since those things multiplied upon eating anything.

A head pokes up from the opposite end of the fur. It turns enough to notice me. This is also enough to take in its details. Its beady eyes are almost hidden in a black mask marking. Beneath that is a hooked beak.

One of its round ears twitch as it stands. Its front legs – equipped with human-esque hands – settle on the buildings around it, helping it turn amongst the limited space. I guess this is raccoon-bird hybrid. It doesn’t have a raccoon tail but there’s no way this is anything else.

This also isn’t terribly threatening. It’s done a lot of damage but this is basically just an evil, mutant teddy bear.

The beast’s head twitches as it turns. It blinks, the eyelids closing vertically. The beak opens to let out a high-pitched screech. As I pin my hands against my ears, I get the unfortunate honor to witness a collection of tentacles wiggle into the air from inside the beast’s throat.

This is worse than the stank kraken. That had more reach by far but this is crime against nature over here.

Before I can even begin to slap a plan together, it drops back on all fours and starts scuttling towards me. I yelp and start fleeing. “I gotta restrain this thing or injure it enough to – AH, FUCK!” In the middle of talking to myself, my right knee gives out on me and I fall.

The beast’s shadow overtakes me quickly. I slam down a smoke bomb and reappear on a lamppost. I’m quick to fall but quicker to catch myself. Hanging like a sloth, I note the beast closing in on me again.

I glance down the other end of the street. I’m gonna have to rely solely on the Ninja Arsenal. There’s nothing in the environment that’ll –

The next time I open my eyes, I’m wedged between a building and a minivan. I hurry to free myself and stumble onto the sidewalk. Giving the shock and confusion zero time to dissipate, I slap an Art of Heal into myself.

Back in the street, I see the stank beast investigating an apartment building. The wall is busted open, and it’s carefully picking things out of the individual apartments. It tilts its head at a couch before tossing it into its beak and crunching on it.

“HEY!” I shout. “‘Couch potato’ is a figure of speech! Spit that out!”

The beast’s head snaps towards me, couch stuffing and wood chunks falling from its beak. The rest of it falls to the ground as the beast lets out another screech. It stands up, ready to charge me again but pauses. It sniffs the air before turning away from me. It screeches before dropping on all-fours again and scampering down the street.

I scale the nearest building and pursue my enemy. Once I get closer, it dawns on me that this thing is chasing a person – aqua skates, pink sweater, brown skin – JUNPEI!

I leap into the air between the beast and Junpei, throwing the Ninja scarf to attach it to literally anything. Within seconds, I’ve got him scooped up in one arm. He clings to me instantly. “Thank you, thank you!” he says into my neck.

I don’t take the time to acknowledge his words as I continuously throw the scarf to catapult us further away from the danger. I set us down at an empty intersection. Junpei’s skates quickly touch the ground, his arms lingering on my shoulders.

“You gotta get outta here.” I point down the street to our left. “There should be a safe house down that way.”

Junpei nods, his eyes briefly stuck behind me, and skates down the road.

I spin on my heel, several Ninja rings in-hand. I send them soaring. They hit their target but the beast doesn’t notice. It doesn’t flinch or even slow when I hurl several Ninja cold and hot balls at it.

I grit my teeth as the mutant raccoon-bird closes in on me. I draw a sword, ready for it try to eat me or throw another car at me. However, it turns the corner just before it reaches me. “Huh? I’m right here, shoob-for-brains!”

While I’m trying to piece things together, it hits me. For whatever reason, this thing is after Junpei. What’s worse is that I’ve sent him towards a safe house that is – no doubt, given the empty streets – full of civilians. I gotta fix this and fast.

I smoke bomb into the air, dropping in behind Junpei as he’s skating for his life. “Kid, that stank beast is after you,” I rush to say.

“Yeah, never would’a guessed,” he pants back.

“CAR!” I leap and knock Junpei to the ground as a pickup truck soars over out heads. I stand and face the beast. I ready my fists like this’ll be some schoolyard brawl. I feel a pair of hands grab my shoulders. “Stay back, Junie.”

The beast’s speed slows to a crawl. It screeches, the tentacles from its beak holding some more vehicular projectiles. Impending doom before me, a certain smell hits my nostrils. “ACHOO!”

This isn’t the time but I have to ask, “Are you wearing ‘McToughman’s Gentle Sucker Punch’ cologne?”

“Uh, some kid was spraying it at school and I got caught in the cloud. Why?”

“ACHOO!” I pull my arm away from my face, a bridge of rainbow snot trailing from the eye window of the Ninja mask.

I hear Junpei “ew” behind me. The sentiment is mutual. This is still so, so gross but somehow, I’m getting used to it.

Ninja Plan!

I collect the snot into one hand and throw the Ninja scarf to grab a trash can lid. I smack the snot onto the inside of the lid and hold it out towards the beast. I concentrate on the Realm of Creation. It can give me anything and that’s exactly what I need right now.

Arrows start firing from the lid, striking the beast in the face. It drops the cars in its grip and paws at itself. I produce a Droplet of Humanity and let Junpei know he should take a couple steps back. “Tengu Fire of Humanity!” The Droplet shatters, blue and red energies combining until purple. I feed a line of fire into the arrows, and within moments filled with screeching and some mild thrashing, the beast is engulfed in purple flames. It only lasts a second before the usual white beam forms and penetrates the sky.

The beam finishes up, the blooping energy leaving behind a pile of fur, some assorted bones, and some assorted mush all encompassed by green and purple stank. The stanks swirl together into the sky and zip back to McFist’s pyramid.

The Ninja suit returns to its black and red color scheme, and I lower the trash lid. The arrows come to a stop. I utter a relieved sigh before Junpei hugs me from behind. “You did it! You did it! I mean, of course you did! You’re the Ninja!”

I’d love to soak up this praise but that cologne is gonna be the death of me.

Chapter Text

I’ve had a Ninja Breakthrough! I did some digging in the NinjaNomicon and there are empty Ninja balls! Empty!

I spent all of Thursday night snot rocketing magic rainbow snot into empty Ninja balls. Theoretically, I can chuck one of these bad boys and open a portal. I’ve kinda got a handle on how this is supposed to work, too. I have to focus on the realm I want or a key word (or concept?) that’s linked to said realm – and then by literal magic, I’ve made a connection to another realm.

All of the snot rocketing I did gave me a bloody nose, but it’s totally worth it. I’ve got seven in total right now, but if I do this regularly, I’ll have a good stock.

…

Man, this is so gross. Why am I so excited about this?

Before bed, I sneak over to Howard’s bedroom window and knock on it. He reluctantly gets up from reading a comic book and opens it. “What, Cunningham?”

“Present for you.”

His attitude shifts. “Gimme, gimme!” Then it shifts again when he’s got it in his hands. It’s a glass jar with a single, glowing rainbow snot ball in it. He rattles it around a little. “Uh, what the juice is this?” he asks flatly.

This is one of those small rectangular basement windows, so I’m lying on the ground. I fold my arms under my chin, my feet lightly kicking behind me. “Magic Ninja snot ball.”

Howard blinks before gasping. “You figured it out! Sick!” His smile holds, his eyes darting towards me. “Why are you giving this to me?”

“Just in case something happens and I’m not around.”

“What do you think’s gonna happen?”

“At this point, literally anything. I dunno,” I say. “I just wanna make sure you’ve got something to protect yourself.”

Slowly, Howard’s brown eyes squint at me. “Give me a sword.”

“I don’t feel comfortable giving you a sharp weapon.”

“Puh-lease. I was the Ninja once. I can handle a long knife.”

I can’t help falling into a deadpan tone. “You were the Ninja for like ten minutes. I don’t think you even used any bladed weapons.”

“How do you know? You weren’t there.”

“Yes, I was.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Uh, yuh-huh.”

“Nuh-uh.”

We both jump as Mrs. Weinerman’s voice comes down the stairwell to Howard’s room. “You hang up that phone down there, mister! You and Randy are growing boys. You need your rest!”

“Yes, Mom!” Howard pushes my face out of the window. “Scram, weirdo. I’m a growing boy. I need my rest.”

“What about me? I’m a growing boy, too!”

“So you say.” He fully shoves me out and closes his window. Before he steps down from his desk (I think that’s what’s under this window), he winks and blows me a kiss.

I return the gesture and start back towards my house. Then in the middle of the Weinerman’s backyard, I stop. Have we always done that?

…

How did I not know I was queer before?

Chapter Text

“Viceroy, I thought you said that kid wanted more free time – NOT A VACATION!” McFist’s voice booms the moment he steps foot into the executive break room.

Caught off guard in the middle of reading the newspaper, Viceroy jumps. The mug of tea heading for his lips pours into his lap. He drops the paper on the table and stands, the almost-empty mug still in-hand. A brown stain stretches from his midsection to the bottom of his lab coat, ruining it thoroughly. Viceroy sighs.

“Ooo, sorry about that.” McFist grabs a single napkin and offers it to his cohort. He smiles awkwardly, still anticipating an answer. “So, uh, about the, uh…”

Viceroy reluctantly takes the napkin, uselessly wiping at the new stain. “He’s not on vacation, sir,” he says dryly.

“Then what could he possibly be doing?” McFist throws his arms up briefly. “I spent millions of dollars embedding stank into his DNA. And he’s what? Off gallivanting? Kicking garbage cans and breaking street lamps? You know, whatever teenagers do these days…”

The purple-clad scientist shrugs, annoyance holding out in his brow. “I don’t know. He said something about doing ‘independent research.’”

“Wha – what the juice does that mean?”

Viceroy approaches the counter against the wall, grabbing several sheets of paper towels. His further attempts to save his lavender lab coat are in vain, but at least he’d be less damp.

The scientist shakes his head. “How should I know? I don’t like talking to him. He freaks me out.”

McFist scratches his chin. “Yeah, he is kinda off-putting. Wouldn’t trust him to water a plant.” He shakes himself from his thoughts. “Listen, I want that kid back on task. He’s supposed be destroying the Ninja!”

Rolling his eyes, Viceroy replies, “We all know what he’s supposed be doing, but this is an issue you need to take up with him. I ain’t talking to that little menace.”

“Ugh, fine. I’ll send him an email.”

Viceroy snickers as he tosses the used paper towels. “What’s the matter, sir? Scared of a little lizard boy?”

“He breathes fire, Viceroy.”

“Hannibal, you’ve got a high-powered laser in your finger.”

McFist, in the middle of typing up the email on his phone, grimaces. “I’m not taking any chances. This face is my moneymaker.”

“I’m your moneymaker.” Viceroy props a fist on his hip, eyes narrowed. “Unless you engineered that Invisi-Goo yourself, or you know, any of the other countless McFist products.”

His boss books it for the doorway, eyes glued to his smartphone. “Can’t hear you. Writing an email to avoid talking to the resident menace.”

Chapter Text

My phone buzzes in the middle of lunch. Howard’s been droning on about how much the difference in art styles in our comics bothers him. The guy wants consistency, I get it, but I don’t care about the weight of the lines or the wonked up shading. When did Howard become such an art critic?

My point is, I don’t mind focusing on my phone while he’s in the middle of talking to me, his sole audience member.

Junpei: Heeeey, Koyo! I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you this weekend. My moms are being kinda overprotective again considering I was almost attacked by another stank beast.

Me: Again? You didn’t tell me that happened. Are you okay?

Junpei: Yeah, of course! The Ninja saved me! The poor guy gets thrown around a lot but he’s super reliable :)

Junpei: Oh! I took a video!

Me: Of?

Junpei: The Ninja! When he was saving me! I thought you’d like to see him in action :D

Me: That’s super bruce but you shouldn’t do that. That’s a good way to get eaten or crushed or something. You gotta be careful. Ninja stuff might look fun but it’s dangerous.

Junpei: Oh, hush. I was standing right behind the Ninja – I was super safe!

I rack my brain for a reply. Now, Howard’s talking about how the female superhero outfits in the newest issue of Marvelous Machinations are almost completely off-model, impractical, and sexist. He’s probably making some good points, but he’s been talking for twenty minutes straight and I’ve barely heard anything.

Ding!

Junpei: I can’t send you the video - the file’s too big. I’ll have to show you next time I see you. It’s so intense! You won’t believe the colors!

Me: Junie-pie, I’m serious. I don’t wanna see you get hurt.

Junpei: Hun, I’m not getting close to the action on purpose. I was in the middle of drinking a smoothie when the stank beast saw me. Besides, I can handle myself. Even if I can’t, the Ninja’s always nearby.

Me: You can’t always rely on the Ninja.

Junpei: Why not?

Me: I’m just saying… What if he can’t save you one day?

Junpei: Well, I believe in him.

I pause and chew on my lip. I can’t voice my concern the way I want to – not without revealing my secret identity. I also didn’t realize my Junie-pie would be so stubborn. It’s kinda attractive.

Junpei: I’m not actively looking for danger. I just keep ending up near it. I’m being as careful as I can be. Trust me, I’m okay :)

Howard’s voice suddenly clicks in my brain. “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said this entire time, have you?” He glares at my phone. “You’re texting Junpei, aren’t you?”

“What? No.” I pull my phone away as he grabs for it. “I was totally and completely engaged in the thing you were saying.”

“Nuh-uh! You were totally engaged in making kissy faces at your Junie-pie,” he retaliates in a mocking voice. He pokes me hard in the ribs and snatches my phone from my grip. “Ha! Your lies only go so far, Cunningham! You were texting him!”

“Why’d you poke me so hard?!” I poke him back.

“Ow!”

“Yeah, how do you like it?!”

At home that night, I find myself on the living room couch as I stare into the endless void of the Internet. I meant to look up something specific but I’ve since derailed from that. I’m currently reading a wiki for the history of scented candles. I don’t know how I got here.

I look up at the TV as whatever Brock Octane movie was on is ending. I squint at the screen thoughtfully. I think I was originally trying to see if one of the side characters was in a Dove Branningdahl movie before. She looked familiar in an unpleasant way, and I think that was why.

Don’t know how I shifted entirely to scented candles, though.

The front door unlocks, opens, and closes. Dad makes his entrance into the room soon after. “Hey, kiddo.”

“Hey, Dad. You’re home early,” I reply.

Dad shrugs as he loosens his tie. “Someone lit one of the copy machines on fire, so we got to leave early. His sacrifice will not be in vain.” He meanders into the kitchen, and I hear him pop open a new bottle of wine. “This one’s for you, Martin, you crazy shoob,” he mutters to himself.

I shake my head as I dive back into my phone. A notification pops down from the top of the screen. It’s my Junie-pie!

Junpei: Okay, as soon as Mama gets home, I’m gonna finagle this stank beast situation so good!

I can’t help the smile that sneaks onto my face.

Me: Oh yeah? How?

Junpei: I’ve got an entire plan. A plan so good, it’s borderline criminal~

Me: What does that mean??

Junpei: That means I’m gonna see you this weekend! It *will* happen, so help me Ninja!

Me: But that doesn’t tell me anything! Junie!!

Junpei: Don’t you worry your pretty purple head about it, Koyo~

Junpei: Mama’s home! Gotta go!

“What’re you smiling about over there?” Dad takes a sip of his wine. I didn’t realize he sat down next to me. “That Howard say something funny?”

“Oh, uh.” I force my smile down somewhat. “I was texting Junpei.”

“Mm.” Dad scoops up the remote and pulls up the TV guide. He moves through the channels until he’s in the cooking channels. He’s probably looking for Hade’s Kitchen reruns.

I look back down at my phone, my expression fading quickly. I click off the screen only to be faced with my sadsack reflection. Absently, I bring up the lockscreen. Right now, it’s a picture of Junpei sticking his tongue out at me. It brings back my smile but not by much.

“Dad,” I say quietly, “can I ask you something?”

“Sure thing, bud. What’s on your mind?”

“Um…” I take a breath and slowly turn my head to him. “Does it bother you that…I’m dating a guy?”

Dad opens his mouth to say something. He closes it, eyes searching the TV. Then he takes up his wine glass and takes a drink.

I let my head droop a little and return my attention to my lockscreen. I shouldn’t have asked.

Dad clears his throat. “Listen, Randy, it’s just…odd. I’m not used to it. I never thought you’d be… Your mother’s always thought you weren’t exactly straight, and I – I don’t know. It made sense, but I never thought much of it. Then you came out.” He shakes his head. “It doesn’t bother me. I’ll get used to it; just give me some time.”

There’s a pause.

“This Juniper kid makes you happy, right?”

“Junpei,” I correct.

“Junpei, right, right.”

“Yeah…he does.”

Dad raises an eyebrow, adding, “And he treats you right?”

I nod.

“And you treat him right?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Dad swirls what’s left of his drink in his glass. “Then don’t worry about me. If you kids are happy, I’m happy.”

My smile turns warm and tender. “Thanks, Dad.”

“Anytime, son.”

I pick at the rubber case around my phone. I have one last question. “Can Junpei come over tomorrow and maybe stay the weekend?”

Dad gives me another one of his shrugs. “Probably. Ask your mother when she comes home. I think she’s the head honcho to this whole dating thing.” He points at the TV suddenly. “That steak isn’t seared; it’s burnt! Oh, these people don’t know what they’re doing.” He gives the Hade’s Kitchen contestant a disapproving head shake as he finishes his wine. This is an episode from like three years ago and he’s seen it a billion times. I’m pretty sure he even says the same thing every time he watches it.

Chapter Text

Howard and I spend most of Saturday jamming out in my garage. 30 Seconds to Math hasn’t had a jam session in months. While I’ve improved on my keytar, Howard’s drum skills seem to have gone down the drain.

I stop him mid-song at one point. “Dude, you’re totally off-beat. Haven’t you been practicing?” I prod.

“You’re the one who’s off-beat, Cunningham.” He points an accusatory drumstick my way. “You’re playing way too fast! This is a band, not a race.”

With a fist on my hip, I declare, “I’m fine. You’re the problem.”

“Let’s go again, and I’ll show you who’s the problem.” He hits one of the drum pads on his electronic drum pad thing. The only noise is makes is the slap of wood against plastic. “Oh, the batteries died,” Howard realizes.

Before I can even start an “I told you so,” an alarm goes off on my phone.

Howard rolls his eyes. “Don’t tell me you have a scheduled shloomping. The Nomicon gets in our way enough as it is.”

“No, I gotta go clean my room.” I free myself from the keytar’s strap and head to turn off and unplug my amp.

“And you set an alarm for that? Lametown, USA, Cunningham.”

“Junpei’s staying over this weekend. He’ll be here in like an hour.”

Howard groans. “Does that mean you’re cancelling our bro time?”

Amp and keytar in hand, I shrug. “Well, no. We can all hang out together.”

“Not if you shoobs are gonna be slobbering all over each other.”

“You do realize we don’t spend every waking moment making out when we’re alone? And when we do make out, there’s no slobber. Don’t be gross.” I scuff my shoe on the cement. “Also, I kiiinda already invited him to Snow-klahoma.”

"Cunningham.”

“What? He’s never been there before! It seemed like a good idea!”

Howard groans again, louder this time. He stands from his spot on Dad’s workbench and throws his drums under his arm, still groaning. He walks out of the garage, head thrown back, still groaning like no one’s business.

Then he stops and turns to me. “What time are we going to Snow-klahoma tomorrow?”

“Noon?” I say. Unsure of myself, I take a second to think it over. “No, two? Three? No, no. Noon. Noon sounds right.”

Who knew a ceiling lamp could get so dusty? This is ridiculous. I’m on my knees on the ceiling, doing my best to wipe this thing down. It’s mostly clean.

“Randy! Junpei’s here!” Mom calls up the stairs.

“Huh?” I lose focus and fall off the ceiling. Due to being a teenage ninja and not a cat, I fall flat on my face. I’m quick to leap up, desuit, and throw my bedroom door open, racing downstairs.

Junpei’s standing in our tiny mudroom-foyer thing, a couple of bags over his shoulder and his elbow crutches in-hand. Mrs. Kawakami and Mom stand behind him, caught up in a little chat.

Like always, Junpei and I gasp upon seeing each other and meet in an instant embrace. Our moms giggle at us. We see each other often enough that this shouldn’t be a thing, but eh, no one’s gonna tell us how to do romance. Dating’s kinda weird anyway. This is just our version of it.

“Do you wanna see my room?” I ask after we let go of one another.

“Yes!”

I grab his empty hand and practically drag him upstairs. Mom doesn’t shout after us to keep the door open like his moms always do; Mom and I already had that talk. The door’s actually allowed to be half-open but never fully closed. Gotta build that parental trust, baby!

I present Junpei my room with an exaggerated flourish. It’s all nice and clean, and it smells like artificial apples!

“Aw, this so cute!” He sits his stuff besides my sofa. I watch him as he looks at my round, wooden spool of a coffee table, my posters, my trinkets, and my books. Then he spots my bed. “Ooo, a loft bed! You sleep all the way up there?”

“I sleep up high – good air up high!” I feel my face flush. Uh oh.

Junpei laughs before peeking behind my pride flag. Then he sees me. “Why are you all blushy?” he asks with another giggle. My boyfriend takes a few steps closer to me.

“Mmm, boy. In my room. Never been.” An involuntary, nervous laugh falls out of my mouth. “You – in room. N-now, uh, here. Pretty boy. H-hi.”

Junpei gently cups my face in his hands. His smile doesn’t falter. “Are you gonna be okay, Koyo?”

“I-I’m…I’m Randy.”

I watch in a mixture of inescapable flustered-ness and embarrassment as Junpei keeps laughing. His hands move to my shoulders. “C’mon, Randy, one coherent sentence. Go!”

“Y-you, here. In room. In, uh, my room.” I look away like I’m gonna find my coherency on the floor. “Boyfriend. My – my boyfriend.” I do some more nervous laughing, unintentionally ending it with a snort.

“Maybe this’ll fix it.” Junpei plants an extra tender kiss on my lips. “How about now?”

I spit out an impossibly incoherent line of gibberish. There are no words. It’s just noises that are almost letters but not quite.

Junpei breaks out laughing and leans against me, semi-hugging me, semi-holding himself up so he doesn’t fall over. Why am I like this?

After a surprisingly comfortable dinner (I was worried Dad would say something inconsiderate to Junpei but that didn’t happen – honkin’ huzzah), Junpei and I head back up to my room. I’ve got a great idea for us to spend the rest of the night.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Junpei says, planting his feet firmly outside my door. “If we go back in there, are you gonna get all flustered again?”

I didn’t think about that. “Nah, I’ll be fine.”

We step inside my room and I am not fine.

“You’re so cute,” Junpei laughs. He grabs his duffle bag and his elbow crutches. “I’m gonna go put my pajamas on. Try not to implode while I’m gone, ‘kay?” He pecks my nose before disappearing out my door and down the hall.

Cheese, why am I such a mess of a person? Ugghh…

I wonder if the NinjaNomicon has any good “how to talk to your romantic partner without being a total shoob” advice. After peering down the hall to the closed bathroom door, I decide to take the chance.

“Okay, Nomicon. Make this a quick –” I crack open the book. “Ahruuh!”

I open my eyes in an enclosed space, three blank paper screens staring at me. Words come to life on the screen before me: “Love is a blessing but it also stands to curse.”

I start trying to figure out what that means, but the screen to my left becomes engulfed in words, too: “Small details form the big picture but the big picture can be viewed without focusing on small details.”

My head tilts. Two at once is too much, especially with what little time I have right now.

The third screen lights up with three lines:

“Love is warm and safe,

Love blinds and deafens the mind.

Do not become daft.”

A very brief moment of realization strikes me. “That’s a haiku!” I glance from lesson to lesson. “Wait, what do any of these mean? And why three of them?”

All these words are overloading my brain. “Nomicon, is this really all dating advice?”

The floor under my feet flashes red.

“Uh, once for no. Twice for yes.”

It blinks once. Then the second lesson flashes at me, a stressed musical sting behind it. I’m lost. Why do I even bother?

The floor turns to sand, a grainy vortex pulling me down. I only panic for a second – the only second I have before I blink back into my bedroom. Wiping the drool from my face, I pick myself off the floor and jam the NinjaNomicon back in my satchel. Don’t know why I risked doing that if the book’s gonna be useless.

Junpei comes back from the bathroom, and I take my turn to get into my pajamas. Lately, I’ve been sporting a pair of lounge pants and one of my mom’s old real estate t-shirts. Mom thinks the company shirts are always tacky, and they’re usually specially embroidered with “Cunningham” over the pocket, so they’re always mine when she brings them home.

Junpei’s wearing a pair of rainbow lounge shorts and a black shirt. “Kawakami” is embroidered in white on his chest…above a pocket. It takes me a minute to realize our moms work for the same real estate agency. Apparently, Junpei already knew that.

“Before we get into my epically bruce idea to spend the rest of the night,” I start, “can you tell what you did to convince your moms to come over?”

Junpei, sat on my sofa, gasps and digs his phone out of his pocket. “I almost forgot! Okay, so you know how I took a video of the Ninja?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I made a deal with Mama that if they let me out of the house for the weekend, I’d give her the video and a detailed witness report of the incident. Mom wasn’t too happy about it but it worked.”

I take a seat next to my boyfriend, brow scrunched. I’m definitely missing something.

“Mama is the head of the Ninja-slash-Magic wing of the local history museum,” Junpei explains. “HD, close-up video of the Ninja in action is priceless for someone like her!”

So many things race through my mind. The one that stands out is: Dr. Kawakami knows the Ninja is allergic to “McToughman’s Gentle Sucker Punch” cologne.

I don’t know if I should be worried about this or not.

“Look, look!” Junpei starts the video.

I don’t usually get to see myself as the Ninja like this. There’s Heidi’s MeCast and the videos Howard takes sometimes, but none of that is ever…this intense.

The video starts just as the Tengu and Humanity fires combine, turning the Ninja suit purple. Then I mix the fire with the arrows pouring from trashcan lid. The stank beast thrashes in the fire until the white beam forms. Then it’s over. I stand there, a little dazed, staring at the spot my enemy once was.

Then the camera blurs as Junpei wraps his arms around me.

Somehow, Junpei managed to miss me speaking when he recorded this. That’s probably for the best – especially since we’re watching this together right now.

“How bruce is that?!” Junpei asks. He rewinds the video a bit to see the Tengu-Humanity fire deplete from the suit again. “Before he did this, though, he sneezed out this gross snot glob. That’s where the arrows came from…somehow.”

“Mmm, maybe you shouldn’t be sharing this sort of thing with your mom,” I say, sounding totally inconspicuous.

“What? Why not?”     

I scratch the back of my head. “Well…what if the Ninja’s enemies see this and learn something from it?”

Junpei’s brow scrunches. “His enemies? Like the stank beasts? Or the Dragon dude?”

“Uhhh, sure.”

A sneaky smile sneaks onto Junpei’s face. “Randy, are you holding out on me?”

Panic briefly becomes my only emotion. “Huh?”

“You’ve got a Ninja theory!” He pokes me in the stomach. “Share!”

I tap my fingers on my knees. This is either really smart of me or really stupid of me but here it goes. “What if McFist is behind all that? The robots, the stank beasts…and the Dragon?”

“You know, that would make sense.”

“It would?”

“Yeah, the Ninja outed McFist as the villain once but took it back for some reason. Plus, where else would the robots come from? What person on Earth has the money to burn like that besides him?” Junpei lays his phone on the coffee table and takes my hands. His smile is so cute right now. “And he’s got that Viceroy guy as his right hand man; he’s a Mad Scientist University alum. I can’t even begin to imagine what he can do with all that funding.”

The validation I’m feeling right now is unreal.

Then Junpei changes the topic. He didn’t even address my concern. I’ve got him started on something he’s passionate about – he cannot be stopped (and I kinda love that about him).

“Where do you think the Ninja goes when he’s not around? The popular theories are that he either lives in a secret base under Norrisville High or he turns into dust.”

I can’t help myself when I laugh. “He turns into dust?”

“Yeah! It sounds silly but hear me out. It’s thought that after he’s done his job, the Ninja turns into this magical dust that floats throughout Norrisville. He travels along with wind, venturing forth throughout the city with every breeze, every gust. He watches over all with a careful eye. When trouble arises, the dust comes together and the Ninja makes his grand reentrance.”

“Yes!” I laugh. “He totally turns to dust! That’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard!”

Junpei fills me in on so many hilarious Ninja theories. There’s a theory that if you demask him, he’s got no face. There’s one that the Ninja scarf could be used to summon a black hole because of the endless weapon supply. There’s another one – I think this is my favorite – that the Ninja is actually a disgraced magician who got wrapped up in a Ninja prophecy and now he can’t escape the clutches of his magical responsibilities.

Is this what people mean when they say they’re blogging? They’re just getting together with Internet strangers and yelling hapless nonsense at each other? I love it!

While I’m doubled over, losing my mind at these theories, Junpei interrupts himself. “Oh cheese, you let me ramble! I’m gonna ruin the thing you planned!” He shakes me a little. “Stop dying! Get us back on track!”

I flop back on the sofa, still giggling like no tomorrow.

Junpei flops back on his side of the sofa, too and groans. It’s not my fault he’s got all this bruce, funny stuff to say. “I can’t believe you’ve never heard of any of that. You’re a huge Ninja fan,” he says, mostly to himself. He sighs and sits back up. “Hey, pass me my bag. I’ve got a thing for you.”

I manage to recompose myself enough to give him his other duffle bag. I think that one has his winter coat for our Snow-klahoma adventure.

“I meant to ask you if you had an asexual pride stuff but it totally slipped my mind.” He pulls out a neatly folded, fleece blanket. It’s black, grey, white, and purple. “Ta da!”

“Aw, Junie! You didn’t have to – wait. Is this some kinda anniversary?” Blanket in my lap, I start counting off on my fingers. “How long have we been together?”

“Oh, uh, I don’t know. I’m not ever sure what month it is right now.” We share a confused stare. You’d think someone would know what month it is. Like, someone’s gotta be keeping track of this…right?

Anyway.

I stand and unfurl the blanket. The colors are vibrant and it’s so soft. “This is perfect for the thing!” I gasp and accidentally throw the blanket at Junpei. “The thing! Oh my Ninja, you’re gonna love this!”

After rustling through my bookshelf, I find my super-secret master date plan. “Junie, may I present to you,” I reveal the box from behind my back, “the complete series of our favorite gay rock cartoon?”

Junpei, gaping, snatches the boxset from my hands. He inspects it closely before whipping his head back up at me. “Where did you get this?! This shouldn’t exist! This show’s barely through the first season!”

“Mmm, let’s just say I know a guy.”

“You know a guy?! Just…a guy?!”

I put my hands up, eyes half-lidded and a sly smile on display. “That’s all I can say.”

Junpei turns the box over in his hands, eyes on the series description. I’m quick to slide my hand over it. “Careful, there might be spoilers!”

“I… Randy, how could you possibly have this? This is insane. Do you know anything about cartoon production? This kinda thing takes months and years to produce – but you just have it – the whole series.” He goes quiet and flips the box over, admiring the artwork on the front. “Are we gonna watch this? Like, right now?” he asks, excitement building in his voice.

We are and we do. Since Howard somehow slid a second disc into my GameStation and jammed it, we have to watch the show on my laptop…not that I’m complaining.

Junpei steals my hoodie and we cuddle up under my new blanket. He sits between me and the couch, his arms snuggly wrapped around me and his head resting delicately on my chest. To create a nice ambiance, I have all the upstairs lights off and my lava lamp nearby on the coffee table. Despite the red goo floating inside it, it puts off a regular white light. It’s not too bright and it’s not too dim.

If time stopped right now and this was my forever, I wouldn’t have a single problem with it. This warm, tender intimacy is all I’ve ever wanted. I’m so warm and comfortable and I feel so loved.

…

I almost tell Junpei I love him…but I end up chickening out.

Chapter Text

Mom was supposed to drive us to Snow-klahoma but her first house showing was moved back for whatever reason. So, Heidi offers to drive us. She’s trusted all the way around as far as her driving skills go, but she doesn’t know that I’m bi…or that I have a boyfriend.

The Weinermans aren’t prejudiced by any means. It’s just a general fear.

I let Junpei know we probably shouldn’t hold hands or anything on the way there. “You don’t think Howard let it slip to her?” he asks, his purple puffer jacket over his arms. We’re standing by Heidi’s car, patiently waiting for the Weinerman siblings.

“No way. Howard’s like the guy for keeping secrets.” I give his cheek a quick peck.

The house’s front door busts open suddenly. “Alright, shoobs, t-minus ten minutes until we can go. I messed up Heidi’s eyeliner somehow.” He rolls his eyes as he strides towards us.

“Is that what you’re wearing? Aren’t you gonna be cold?” Junpei asks.

Howard looks down at himself: Sneakers, cargo shorts, outer shirt but with the sleeves down, and a scarf. “I always wear this to Snow-klahoma.”

Junpei blinks. “So, you’re that type of straight white guy, huh?”

“Excuse me?”

“You wear shorts year-round – even in the dead of winter?”

“I…” Howard’s eyebrows knit together before he crosses his arms. He shoots me a dirty look. “Cunningham, wrangle your man.”

I snort. “You brought this on yourself, buddy.”

Heidi makes her entrance, a small purse over her shoulder and several notebooks under her arm. She groans. “I gave up on the wings; it’s not worth it. I can’t get it right again,” she announces, “Howard.”

“Not my fault!” he fires back, heading for the passenger side door.

Heidi take notice of us. “Oh, hi there! You must be Landy and Howard’s other biffer!”

“It’s Randy,” I deadpan.

Heidi full-on ignores me. “It’s nice to see these two have some other friends.” She shoots her brother a dirty look. “Even if some of them ruin your makeup when they know you’re trying to catch your French tutor’s attention.”

“That guy’s gay, Heidi! I’ve been telling you this for weeks!”

“Please, Howard, you wouldn’t know a gay guy if he kissed you.”

Junpei snickers and I elbow him. This is not the time for the ever-so important reminder that Howard and I kissed once. Funny but not the time.

When Heidi drops us off at Snow-klahoma, she warns us to be ready to leave at 4:30.

“4:30?” Howard echoes in disbelief.

“Yeah, I gotta run some errands after my tutor session - including picking up Dad’s dry cleaning. That place closes at 5 o’clock,” Heidi retorts. She raises an eyebrow. “Or I can leave you, Vandy, and Junpei here all night.”

“Randy,” I correct again.

“Maybe that’s what we want!” Howard cuts back in. We both shove him, telling him otherwise.

“Uh-huh. I’ll be here at 4:30.” Heidi waves from the driver’s seat, a sweet smile replacing her annoyed frown. “Bye, Yandy! Bye, Junpei!” The car pulls away from the curb abruptly.

“Randy!” I exclaim. I turn to Howard. “What the honk’s wrong with your sister?”

He backhands me in the chest. “The same thing that’s wrong with you.”

We spend some time tromping around in the snow, picking it up and aimlessly throwing it at each other. Junpei manages to convince us ice skating is the same as regular skating, so we try that.

Junpei’s cute but he’s a bit of a liar.

Howard and I wobble and slip and fall. Junpei tries to help us but it doesn’t do any good. Howard and I are too shoob-ish to figure it out. Howard can barely stand, and I can’t move my feet without falling.

We spent the better part of an hour afterwards building an igloo. When it’s almost done, Junpei leaves to grab us hot chocolate. It doesn’t take long for us to finish up. It’s definitely big enough for the three of us and it’s at least mildly shoddy. We built it with the power of friendship and mutual bickering…and the plastic molds Snow-klahoma let us borrow.

“You gonna smooch him when he comes back?” Howard teases as we admire our creation.

“Probably not?”

“But imagine it! ‘Koi-Boy, dearest, I’ve missed you ever so much!’”

Why is he busting out the British accent now?

He switches to a plain naisly voice for me. “‘Oh, June-Beetle, where have you been all my life? I love you!’” He turns his back to me and does that thing where you pretend to make out with someone, adding in loud kissing noises. When he’s done, Howard turns back to me and laughs.

Then he stops.

“Cunningham, no.”

Heat rises to my cheeks, adding to the very obvious stiffness I’ve developed. “W-what?”

“You haven’t said it yet?!”

I’m quick to defend myself. “It’s not as easy as you think!”

Howard throws his arms up, his eyebrows knitting together. “No! You’ve been together for 37 days and you haven’t told him you love him?!”

“Why do you know how long we’ve been together?!”

“You can’t remember my birthday; why would you remember your own anniversary?! Someone’s gotta keep track and it ain’t you!”

I grab Howard by the shoulders and shake him. “Do you know what month it is?!”

He shoves me off. “It’s October, but that’s not important!”

Squeezing my earmuffs against my head, I exclaim, “Isn’t it?!”

“No!” Howard grabs the edges of my coat’s hood and pulls me until our faces are inches away from each other. “Here’s the plan, Cunningham: when he comes back, you say it. Just. Say. It.”

Hand on his face, I push my best friend away. “Dude, no. It doesn’t work like that. It has to be…the right moment.”

“No it doesn’t. Watch.” Howard grabs my hand. “Cunningham, I love you.”

I yank my hand back and cross my arms. “You can’t make me,” I say plainly.

Howard hums indifferently, hands on his hips. His eyes search the scenery before us until he turns around. He nudges me and points to silver lamp post a few yards away from our igloo. “Either you tell him when he comes back or you lick that pole.”

I don’t even take a second to think about it. I stride over to the pole, stick my tongue out, and plant it against the metal. Now, I’m stuck.

“Really?” Howard says as he approaches me.

“Wrheally.”

He shakes his head as he looks off towards the hot drinks stands. “You’re pathetic.”

“You ahre. Bet you whon’t wick it.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Cowahrd.”

“I’ll show you a coward!”

Got him.

Once we’re both stuck to the pole, we start arguing about who’s really a coward. Then it devolves into who’s really stupid. Then it’s about who smells better.

Yeah, I don’t know.

Junpei makes his reentrance. A cardboard tray sits in hand, holding three cups detailed with Snow-klahoma’s logo. He looks from me to Howard, his empty hand exasperated at his side. “Really? I was gone for like eight minutes! What is this?”

Chapter Text

The igloo isn’t terribly impressive inside but it’s a good place to sip our hot chocolate and chill…and for Junpei to send us the picture of our shame. I watched him change his phone’s wallpaper to my half of the picture before he sent it. He freed us from the pole, so I guess he’s entitled to it.

After we finish our drinks, we decide to head over to the ski lifts up to Snow Way Out, the world’s most vertical sled drop. We go down it twice before Junpei suggests we actually ski down the regular side of the mountain. It’s full of pine trees but the possible paths are pretty clear.

Howard takes a deep whiff of the air as we look out across the park. “You smell that, fellas? That’s bone-i-fied French fry grease right there. Greaseman’s Luxury Vegetable Oil boiling at a nice 375˚ Fahrenheit. And that oil? Rarely changed.” He takes another whiff and adds, “That’s part of the magic.”

The smell is almost suffocating. The food court is basically at the other end of the park. There’s no way the smell should be that strong all the way up here.

“We should get gravy fries after this run,” Howard suggests.

Junpei, in the middle of fighting with his left ski, says, “Hey, we should get poutine! I think I saw a poster for them at the bottom of the mountain.”

“Poutine?” I echo.

My best friend gasps. “Kawakami, you’re a genius!” He shoots me a cocky smile. “That’s gravy fries with cheese curds for you uncultured types.”

SNAP!

We turn our attention to Junpei, still knelt on the ground. He’s holding part of the mechanism that clamps our shoes into the skis. “Great,” he grumbles. “You guys go on without me. I’ll meet you at the food court.”

“Junie, we can wait for you.”

“Ugh, Cunningham! Poutine!” Howard groans.

I ignore him, awaiting Junpei’s reply. He looks back at the ski rental booth. The shutters are down with a “Back in five minutes!” sign taped to it. “Nah, it’s fine.”

“Are you –”

I don’t get to finish my sentence as Howard steals my wallet and takes off down the mountain. “HEY!” After blowing Junpei a kiss, I pursue Howard. He’s gonna try to use my debit card again, and Snow-klahoma doesn’t take my bank for some reason. The last time Howard used my debit card here, I got charged five bucks on top of the rest of my money he spent.

Howard munches away on the poutine, nosing through his phone, barely paying me any mind. I’ve had my eyes glued to the mountain for the last few minutes. Junpei should be down here by now.

“Cunningham, you’ve got three bites left here to experience poutine. Hop to it or they’re mine,” Howard warns.

I sigh and turn back to our snack, my back to the mountain. With my plastic utensil, I gather those last three bites and chew on them thoughtfully. It would’ve been really bruce if Howard remembered how to share. I paid for this and I got three bites out of it.

Howard starts trying to belittle me for being bummed without Junpei around, but my phone interrupts him – thank cheese. “Hel –”

“Randy, you gotta come get me! Or-or send the rescue service up here!” Junpei says frantically.

“Are you okay? What happened?” I stand, ready to spring into action in one way or another.

“That blond shoob trapped me in a hole. It’s like ten feet deep and it’s nothing but ice.” As Junpei starts another sentence, Howard points behind me, pure horror painted on his face. I turn to see sharp, angry flames rising from the trees, a thick black smoke pouring off them.

I get both legs over the bench and sprint to the nearest bathroom. “Stay in the hole! Stay in the hole!” The stalls empty, I pull on the Ninja mask and race back outside.

An alarm blares through the air, followed by a calm voice to evacuate the building in an orderly fashion. It loops several times until the alarm plays independently.

“I-I can’t get out,” Junpei repeats. “Wh-what is that? What’s that noise?”

“Fire alarm. Don’t worry about it; just stay calm.”

“No one knows I’m up here!”

“The Ninja does. I sent him your way. Just hold on.”

“R-Randy, what if –” The call drops and I’m not sure why, but I can’t be on the phone with him while I rescue him anyway.

At the foot of the forest, I almost don’t know what to do. I’m too frazzled to use my Ninja Super Senses. I have to go into this blind…but maybe – “Ninja Hydro Hand!” I throw a watery slap at the burning foliage, but flames erupt higher than before.

This is a grease fire. I-I can’t do anything about a grease fire. Stupid Greaseman’s Luxury Vegetable Oil. Stupid Seth. That fucking asshole.

“Okay, okay. You’re just running into a burning forest in an enclosed park. No big deal.” I take a couple of breaths and race into the flames. I do a lot of stupid stuff but this is officially top of the list. But this is what I do. The Ninja has to run towards danger. The Ninja has to protect the innocent.

I shout Junpei’s name at the top of my lungs. Every time I try to listen for his voice, all I can hear is the burning atrocity around me.

What the fuck is Seth’s problem? Why would he ever do something this extreme?

As I stop to cough from the smoke, I finally hear an echoed inkling of Junpei’s voice. I pick a direction and race towards it. I’m not losing him to Seth’s petty, overly aggressive revenge schemes.

A burning branch falls to my right and catches me off guard. While dodging it, I completely lose balance and fall. And I keep falling.

Thump!

Thick, hard ice catches me, sending pain up my shoulder and across my back. I cough before muttering, “Oh, my entire body.”

“Ninja!”

My eyes widen and I scramble to stand up. Metal clanks as I do, a pair of skis and ski poles falling and slipping behind me. Junpei stands before me, hands clasped and eyes hopeful. A single tear streak shines on his cheek.

“Are you okay?” I rush to say.

Junpei nods. “Are you?”

“Yeah, yeah.” I look back up the icy trap. The fire burns bright in the sky. I can’t just grab him and jump out for a multitude of reasons.

Ultimately, I use the Ninja spike to scale the inside of the hole until I reach the ground again. I send down the scarf and have Junpei tie it around himself. Once I’ve pulled him to the most unsafe safety I’ve ever encountered, I take a moment to hug him. I’m not sure who it’s for but it helps somehow.

I soak the end of the Ninja scarf in the melting snow and hold it over Junpei’s nose and mouth. “Breathe into this until we’re outside, and hold on tight.” I scoop him up and begin my mad dash for the closest emergency exit.

Smoke fills the building like helium in a balloon. The fire has jumped and spread to more trees and buildings. I don’t know where we are. I just keep running, hoping I’ll see something. As long as I don’t take too many turns, I should make it to a wall eventually.

Junpei holds the scarf like I told him and keeps his face in the crook of my neck. Everything’s gonna be okay. I’ve got Junpei in my arms, and I haven’t seen any other people. I hope everyone else got out okay. I hope Howard’s okay.

My eyes burn. I’m starting to get lightheaded. I have no idea where I am.

Through the smoke, I spot a faint red light. That has to be an emergency exit. If it’s not, I’m just gonna bust a hole through the wall.

The closer I get, the clearer the letters on the sign get: “E-X-I-T.”

I slam into the door, popping it open and bursting into the fresh air. We’re on the side of the building. There’s no one here; just us.

Junpei lifts his head as I start to stumble. I set him down and let myself cough. Hands on my knees, doubled over, all I can do is cough. I dry heave once and do everything I can not to barf.

Junpei rubs my back tentatively. “Heal yourself,” he urges. “Smoke inhalation kills more people than actual fire.”

Nodding, I accidentally stumble a few steps away from him. I hold back the coughing and go through the motions of the Ninja Art of Heal. The red energy pulses through my palms, resonating throughout me. I hold it longer than I usually do. When I deem myself okay, I actually feel pretty great – physically speaking.

I turn back to Junpei. “Are you sure you’re okay? Your boyfriend was really worried about you.”

He nods but adds, “Is he okay? And our friend, Howard?”

“I think so.” An idea strikes me. I should actually check that Snow-klahoma is empty. “Give me a sec.” I center myself and call on the Ninja Super Senses. Through the raging flames, I find nothing. No heartbeats, no soulless bodies. Beyond the massive dome holding the very-on-fire inside-outside snow park, I find everyone. It seems every life force is accounted for and safe. No major injuries, no death.

I lock onto Howard’s energy. His heartbeat is frantic and he’s pacing like crazy.

“Everyone’s okay, but before I get you back to your friends,” I say slowly, “do you have any idea how that fire started?”

“My boyfriend’s ex started it, I’m pretty sure. I don’t remember his name, but uh, he’s a blond white guy. Green eyes, brown hoodie, generally looks like a huge douche,” Junpei answers earnestly. He hugs himself, eyes on the ground. “When I fell in that hole, he came up to it and said, ‘You’re nothing compared to me. You’re weak. You’re useless. One day, he’ll get bored of you and throw you to the curb.’”

My brow scrunches. Seth has officially gone off the fucking deep end.

“Listen, I don’t really know your boyfriend but I know he cares about you – a lot. Don’t let that douche get to you. Okay?”

Junpei chuckles. “I’m not really worried about what he said. This ex guy just really freaks me out.”

With that, I pull Junpei close and smoke bomb us to the crowd in front of the building. Several fire trucks are pulling up, firefighters leaping out of them and picking their equipment off each truck.

Multiple people around us gasp and marvel at me. Phones come out quickly, a small crowd closing in on me. I think Junpei runs off before anyone can actually start taking pictures. “Uh, not today, guys. There’s kinda a thing going on here.”

I leap from the crowd atop one of the fire trucks. “Ninja! Hey, what’s the situation like in there?” a firefighter asks.

I rush through the details, letting them know no one was hurt and that this started as a grease fire. Once they seem satisfied, I smoke bomb to the nearest-farthest tree and desuit.

I zip back into the crowd of people. When I spot a purple coat hugging an aqua button-up, a weird wave of relief hits me and I run to them. Howard’s the first to wrap his arm around me and pull me into the hug. I’m so glad everyone’s okay.

It doesn’t take long for the police to show up alongside the firefighters and eventual EMTs. There’s some chatter between a familiar looking cop with sunglasses and the firefighter I spoke to. I guess we should talk to them. We can’t keep letting Seth get away with this.

Junpei doesn’t want to talk to the cops and I don’t blame him. He’s said before that cops have never been friendly with either people of color or the LGBT community. He’s also said the Norrisville Police Force is borderline useless…and he’s not wrong. Howard’s one cousin is always walking around with several warrants on his head. The guy’s been on the run for twelve years, and he’s only ever been caught twice.

So, we approach Sunglasses-with-an-Attitude and let him know what happened. He doesn’t believe us at first because why would he. Eventually, through some assertiveness from yours truly, he gets out a little notepad and an equally tiny pencil and starts scribbling down information.

“Seth Levi Nyx. He’s blond. Hair at his jawline. Green eyes. Both ears pierced. He’s usually wearing a brown hoodie and he smells like fish.”

“Fish?” the officer echoes.

“Yeah, he fishes and probably doesn’t shower.” I shake my head, continuing the list of important information. “The last I knew, he was in a foster home and he was being cyber schooled because he got into fights at school-school. I can also give you his phone number.”

The officer sighs. “Now, you’re telling me this Seth kid is after this kid,” he points at Junpei, “because he’s mad you kicked him out of your little friend group?”

“Basically, yeah. He’s a huge shoob.” I get my phone out, ready to tell him the phone number.

That tiny pencil flicks against the notepad. “I doubt some 15-year-old is behind this. Destruction like this is out of your kids’ league. Not to mention, this is a bit much for some schoolyard drama.”

I open my mouth to defend myself but a tug at the back of my coat tells me not to. So, I give Sunglasses-with-an-Attitude the phone number and subsequently my contact information. No conflict, no fuss.

As soon as we walk away from the hopefully-not-useless-adults-who-are-supposed-to-serve-and-protect-the-public, a new set of arms slam into us in a sudden hug. “Thank cheese you’re all okay!” Heidi exclaims right in my ear. Then she backs off. “Ugh, you guys smell like a bonfire.”

Chapter Text

Heidi, despite complaining how bad we smell and playfully insinuating Howard started the fire somehow, drives us home. Howard’s gone weirdly quiet and he’s got a death grip on my hand. None of us really talk on the way back, but Howard’s silence is backed by a tense energy.

We temporarily split ways so we can all shower. I let Junpei shower first. We don’t have a shower chair, though, so I stand next to the shower curtain and let Junpei grab my arm when he needs to.

I didn’t think about something like that before. Junpei and I have only been together for a little over a month (apparently) but I have a feeling he’s here for the long run. So, I should probably invest in a shower chair for when he stays over. I don’t expect him to drag that with him from home.

After we’re both clean, we plop down in my beanbag chairs and turn on my TV. There’s gotta be something on.

Footsteps come up the stairs and meander into my room, Howard behind them. His hair is half-heartedly brushed into its usual shape and his eyes are tired. He takes up the blue chair, instantly leaning into me and grabbing my hand again.

This is more than out of character for him, but I don’t question it. We’ve certainly had a day. I don’t mind ending it sandwiched between my two favorite guys.

During a commercial break in the middle of the movie, Junpei excuses himself to pee. I take the opportunity to talk to Howard. “Are you okay?”

“Not…really,” he says quietly.

“What’s up?” I ask, trying to somehow keep this casual. I don’t want to make him feel forced to talk. Howard isn’t normally a talk-about-your-feelings guy.

“Today was just…a lot.” He bites his lip. “It’s kinda stupid.”

I give him a moment.

“You…you’re always jumping into danger. You’re the Ninja. It’s what you do – I get that.” He takes a breath. “The thing is, today was real. You’re always fighting robots and stank beasts. Those are real, too…but those are normal. You’re supposed to fight them. You always win.

“What happened today was just…really real. You ran into a fire, Randy. A real fire started by a real person.” A couple of tears roll down his face. “You could’ve died, and I-I don’t know what I’d do without you. You have no idea how much you mean to me.”

His grip on my hand tightens as he turns away, covering his eyes with his other hand.

“Hey,” I say softly, stretching an arm towards him, “c’mere.” Without looking at me, Howard quickly meets me for a hug. “I’m sorry I made you worry. If I could’ve done anything else, I would’ve. It’s not the Ninja’s job to play firefighter.”

Howard sniffles into my shoulder.

“I have to do what I do to protect people. I have to protect you and Junpei.”

He nods.

“I love you guys. I’d do anything to protect you, even if that means running into a fire.” I make a little space between us and plant a kiss right on Howard’s forehead.

He laughs despite the exhaustion in his eyes. “Gross.”

“You’re gross,” I fire back as I pull him back into the hug. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Cunningham.”

After a few minutes, Junpei returns, now holding a tray with three glasses of water and a bowl of pretzels and chips. “Hey, I wanted to give you guys some space, so I got snacks.” He sits it on the ground in front of our seats. Howard’s quick to get a drink but I raise an eyebrow.

“Thanks, Junie, but…what do you mean?”

Junpei pops a pretzel in my mouth. His smile is soft, but he looks tired, too. “I saw you kiss Howard’s forehead, which I think is really sweet. I figured you were having a private conversation,” he explains.

Howard points at Junpei with a chip and informs him, “His lips are chapped, by the way. He owns lip balm.”

This again.

“They’re not chapped.”

Junpei redirects my chin and steals a kiss. “Mm, they’re a little chapped.”

Why do they do this to me?

Chapter Text

After a few days, Howard’s pretty much back to his normal self. He even shoves me off my bike after we get to school one day. Good old Howard. Worried about my wellbeing but also a huge shoob.

I wouldn’t have him any other way.

Thursday after school, Junpei comes over and gets Howard to join us as we paint. Junpei’s painting a bruce Ninja action shot, I’m working on a cat sleeping on a windowsill, and Howard is attempting a giant lizard destroying Big Ben.

“Boys,” Mom’s voice comes suddenly, “can you come downstairs, please?”

Thinking we’re getting some kind of treat – fresh cookies or sliced cucumbers – we race down the steps and fumble over each other. Then we stop. Mom stands in our tiny mudroom, stress in her brow and her mouth in a tight line. “The police are here to talk to you,” she says, her tone unreadable.

We approach the mudroom. Sunglasses-with-an-Attitude stands on our porch, hands on his busy cop belt and a piece of gum squishing in his mouth. “Son,” he says in a slow drawl, “do you realize lying to the police about arson is a felony?”

“What?”

“When you send the police on a wild goose chase, you waste their time. We don’t appreciate that sort of thing,” he goes on.

I shake my head. “What are you talking about?”

The officer chews his gum as he produces his notepad from his belt. He flips it open. “Seth Levi Nyx does not exist.”

My heart almost stops.

“No birth certificate, no foster records, no school records, no police records.” He lifts a page with his thumb. “The phone number you gave us has never been used.”

“N-no. I have our text messages. I have people who’ve seen him.” I look back at Mom. “Tell him.”

Her arms crossed, Mom huffs, “I did.”

The bullshit authority figure before us sighs. “Mothers say anything to protect their kids. Records don’t lie.” He drops his notepad back in its place. “Little boys do. I don’t know what you were looking to gain from this little incident, but I’m letting you off with a warning.”

“A warning?” Howard barks. “Are you honkin’ kidding me? Seth is a real person! We’ve all –”

“Howard,” Mom scolds.

He shuts up immediately.

Sunglasses-with-an-Attitude leans down to Howard’s height. “I would advise you not to raise your voice at an officer, young man.”

I catch Mom’s hand in my peripheral. She’s behind us, now, and she’s pulled Howard’s back against her.

As the officer straightens himself, I have one last thing to say, “That’s it? Seth is actively trying to hurt Junpei. What are we supposed to do?”

Sunglasses on Junpei, he shrugs. “Stop putting yourself in vulnerable positions.”

Mom pulls Junpei close, now, too. “That’s enough. Leave,” she commands, her voice cold.

Our unwanted guest tips his hat. “Ma’am.” He turns and takes slow steps off our porch. I close the door so we don’t have to look at him anymore. Then I stay there and slide down into a crouch. Fuck.

Mom breaks into apologies as she presumably pulls Howard and Junpei into a hug.

Against the grain of the door, two Ninja lessons come to life:

"Friendship is a weight the Ninja cannot carry.”

“Love is a blessing but it also stands to curse.”

No. No, no, no. The NinjaNomicon has to have something else about this. Removing the people I love from my life isn’t going to fix this.

I stand and make my way back upstairs. Mom calls after me. “I just need a few minutes to myself,” I reply firmly.

I pace the Ninja lesson temple’s courtyard. The Nomicon likes to drop me here when it either has nothing or when I’m not pursuing a specific (or specific enough) solution. “Come on, there has to be something about this. Something about chasing shadows or fighting ghosts. Something that says those things are real and I have real means to-to exorcise them or something,” I say with a borderline franticness.

I hear wind chimes twinkling somewhere in the distance.

“HEY,” I shout, “I’M TALKING TO YOU!”

Three scrolls coming flying from the sky, spinning boomerang-style. I catch one in each hand and trap the third between them. This book is not getting the upper hand on me today.

I read them in the order I caught them:

“The only knowledge a ninja can possess is the knowledge that he possesses no knowledge.”

“To defeat your enemy, you must know which enemy you are fighting.”

“Sometimes, the best action a ninja can take is none.”

I groan and take a seat in the dirt, rolling out each scroll to study. Riddles aren’t my thing, I admit it, but this isn’t the time for one of my usual blunders.

After some intense staring, I think I understand. I don’t really know Seth – that might not even be his name. All I can do for now…is nothing.

Hands to my face, I fall back on the ground. The last thing I want to do is nothing but it seems like I don’t have a choice. I could hunt Seth down but then what? The cops think I’m a liar, Seth’s records are apparently null and void, and even if I did catch him, I don’t know what I’d do. Beat him up? That’s not the way of the Ninja.

The ground beneath me grows soft and I slowly sink into it. I don’t fight it. There’s no point. I got what I wanted…I guess.

The three of us sit around my coffee table again, but no one touches the paint. We stare uncomfortably at our canvases, silent and seething. Junpei might not be seething but two out of three is good enough for me.

“What are we gonna do?” Howard finally asks.

With a slow shake of my head, I say, “There’s nothing we can do.”

“What? You’re giving up? Just like that?”

I lift my eyes to make eye contact with him. “There’s nothing we can do,” I repeat, slower and firmer.

He stares back before his eyes widen. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

Howard starts a sentence but changes his mind, angrily grumbling to himself instead.

I slip my hand into Junpei’s. Glumly, I suggest, “Maybe we should take a break…for your safety.”

“No way. If we break up, Seth wins.”

I shrug. “Yeah, but if you just stay inside all the time, he still wins. And so does that cop.”

“Fuck them.” Howard and I briefly exchange a surprised glance. “I’m not losing my boyfriend because some shoob decided he’s entitled to breakup revenge.”

“Kawakami, he burned down an entire park trying to kill you,” Howard interjects.

“So what? The Ninja’ll catch him eventually. If the Ninja can save me, he can catch this lunatic.”

Absently, I squeeze his hand. “Junie, the Ninja fights evil, not petty criminals.”

“This guy is evil. Arson and murder aren’t petty crimes.” He’s looking at me like I’m crazy and I guess he’s within his right. “I’m not as worried as I could be. I feel safe with you guys.”

There’s that stubbornness again.

Junpei decides he’ll become more of a homebody unless he’s somewhere with a group or with me and/or Howard specifically. He also suggests we download the same tracking app so we always know where each other are.

Once we do that and figure out how the juice the app works, Junpei smiles. “Everything’s gonna be okay, I can feel it.”

I feel like he believes in the Ninja a little too much.

Chapter Text

When the weekend comes, Junpei stays over again. I don’t know if he told his parents exactly what happened at Snow-klahoma. Considering they let him come back over, I doubt they know Seth even exists.

The Friday before was filled with robots after school. For about four hours, it was nothing but spider robots crawling towards me and eating the surrounding infrastructure. There are so many potholes and missing traffic signs on whatever street that was. It’s whatever. I did my part.

So, when Junpei comes over looking all cute like he does, I look like a raccoon. The circles under my eyes have never been this dark. I should’ve healed them this morning (if that’s even a thing I can do), but I didn’t have the brain capacity to do it.

“Aw, Koyo, look at you,” Junpei says when he comes in. He cups my face with his soft, soft hands. How dare he. “I know this whole Seth thing is daunting but I think you’re overdoing it in the worry department.”

When we go upstairs, he makes me sit on the floor in front of my sofa. He sits on it directly behind me and digs his fingers into my hair. Chills run up and down my back and I almost melt.

“How’s that?” Junpei asks, almost whispering.

My eyes flutter shut. I can barely open my mouth to say anything. I do manage some incoherent mumbling.

My boyfriend giggles. “Good. Now, just relax, okay?”

Within a few minutes, I’m almost asleep. He’s turning my brain to mush and I welcome it. It was debatably already mush but we won’t talk about that.

“Koyo, are you awake?”

I force myself to open my eyes but they fall shut again. “Maybe.”

“I have a question about your hair, if that’s okay.”

“Hm?”

“When violets go grey, does the hair actually turn grey or does it go…lavender?”

My eyes creak open. “Why?”

His fingers run through my hair a few times until he parts a section of it. “You’ve got a couple of lavender hairs here. I wasn’t sure if it was greying or if those are like natural highlights.”

I don’t even know. Dad hasn’t gone grey yet. I wasn’t old enough to remember my paternal grandparents before they passed away, so I’ve got no context there.

The Internet might have an answer, but I refuse to look this up for my own sanity. It could honestly be either. My freckles come in a range between lilac and deep purple, so who’s to say how my anatomy works.

“The Internet says,” Junpei starts.

I don’t let him finish. “Please, I don’t wanna know.” The stress I’m under is otherworldly, so I wouldn’t doubt it’s greys – or lavenders, I guess. At the same time, my hair does get some highlights in the summer…but it’s also not summer. Not to mention, those highlights aren’t exactly lavender when they come in.

“Alright,” he sings. Then his hand comes under my jaw and he tilts my head back. “Just so you know, it could be either,” he whispers before kissing my forehead.

“How dare you,” I accidentally say out loud.

“Like this.” He gives me another peck. The audacity of this man.

The weekend is quiet and uneventful. Junpei and I get through season three of the gay rock boxset and we paint each other’s nails but that’s about it. Howard also comes over and we just shoot the cheese together. It’s nothing much but it’s nice.

When Junpei leaves Sunday evening, he’s stolen one of my hoodies. I nab him by the sleeve before he makes his getaway. “Wait a minute, you’ve got something that’s mine here,” I say.

“What? This?” He kisses me again and slips out of my hand. He can’t keep getting away with this…but he’s going to and that’s fine. My Junie-pie can do whatever he wants. Someone that cute and beautiful can do no wrong.

When I go back up to my room, I find Junpei’s cardigan draped over a painted canvas on my sofa. I snatch up the sweater and quickly put it on. It’s cozy and it smells so good. I shove my nose in the collar and inhale. The warmth of a kitten’s purr and strawberries…

My eyes land on the painting. It’s of me sprawled out on the sofa, dead asleep. After the lavender hair discussion, Junpei convinced me to lay on the couch with my head on his lap. He tricked me into taking a nap and then painted me.

…

I’m hanging this above the sofa.

Chapter Text

“Hoowwaarrd, come ooooon!” I groan in front of his house. I lean back and forth on my handlebars. “We’re gonna be laaaate!”

He finally stumbles through his front door and over to his bike.

“What took you so long?”

Howard joins me on the sidewalk, backpack over his shoulder and a hand on his stomach. “Heidi made pigeon for dinner again, and I had leftovers for breakfast,” he admits.

“Dude.”

“Shhhh, Cunningham. You have no idea how good pigeon is. It’s so worth it!” That out of the way, we push off on our route. Howard’s stomach gurgles all the way to the crosswalk. I don’t know how he’s gonna make it through the day. “They’re just aftershocks. No biggie,” he says.

“Did you do the math homework?” I ask. “I did number eleven like three times, and I kept getting different answers.”

“There was math homework?”

“Never mind.” I sigh as I tap on the grippy things on my handlebars. The walk light sure is taking its time today.

Howard idly glances at me before doing a double take. “Is that Kawakami’s sweater?”

I smooth down the sweater against myself, admiring its softness and rich color. “Yeah. It’s nice, right? Pink’s kinda a good color on me.” I hold the left side of it open, revealing the NinjaNomicon. “Plus, it has the perfect inside pocket for the Nomicon.”

“That’s…weird.”

Letting the cardigan close, I point to the now lit walk light before us. We glide across the crosswalk and continue our path. “No, it’s convenient.”

“But it’s a sweater,” Howard says. “Why would a sweater have such a big pocket? What’s it for?”

I shrug. “Secret snacks?”

“It’s the perfect size for that stupid book. You don’t think that’s a little weird?”

“Nah. I think you’re a little weird.”

We share a mutual stare until Howard swerves his bike into mine. I struggle to regain balance as he zips ahead of me.

“Hey! You could’ve wonked up my bike!”

“I could’ve wonked up your face,” he laughs, “but you got lucky this time!”

I make it halfway through the day until someone says something about the sweater. A corkboard in one of the hallways catches my attention. There’s a Levander Hart poster here. How’s this guy still a rock star after I knocked the stank out of him? If Howard and I aren’t cool enough to become international rock stars, how is he?

Wonk.

“Are you wearing a girl’s sweater?” a nasally voice asks.

My head snaps to see Doug. Good ol’ Doug. A classic tattletale and pain in the neck. “Back off, Doug.”

I abandon the corkboard and press on to the next class. Howard didn’t notice I stopped to stare at it, so he’s long gone.

“I’m just asking,” Doug persists, trailing behind me. “Why are you wearing a girl’s sweater? That isn’t very cool.”

I grumble before declaring, “It’s not a girl’s sweater. Even if it was, that doesn’t matter.”

“It smells like a girl’s sweater.”

I’m not entertaining this.

“You raided Howard’s sister’s closet again, didn’t you? Remember when you and Howard wore skirts that one time in sixth grade? You said it was to connect to your Scottish roots but neither of you are Scottish. Your last name is Irish and Howard’s is Jewish.

“There’s nothing in the school handbook that says guys can’t wear skirts, but you lied to justify wearing skirts. You’re lying now about wearing a girl’s sweater. Why are you –”

A few feet from the next class’ door, I spin on my heel, towering over my classmate. “Shut up, Doug,” I hiss. “There’s nothing nearly important enough about this cardigan for you to keep talking. SHUT. UP.”

I step into the classroom and all eyes are on me. As I hurry to my seat, the whispering begins:

“What’s his problem?”

“Doug is annoying.”

“Yeah, but...that is a girl’s sweater. What’s up with that?”

“His nails are painted again. Maybe he’s working towards…y’know.”

“That’s so weird.”

“Maybe he’s just weird.”

“Maybe he’s g-” I clasp my hands over my ears. I don’t need this right now.

Howard pats my back from his desk behind me. I let up on my ears enough to hear him say, “I got this, Cunningham.”

After a moment of nothing, I turn to him. “What does – oh my Ninja, Howard!” I pull the collar of my shirt over my nose. Everyone in the room starts groaning or shoving their nose wherever they can find salvation.

“That’s bon-e-fied pigeon right there, shoobs,” he announces. “Take a good whiff!” Then he cackles…and farts for a second time, I think. This is the schnastied smell in human history. I love Howard, I do, but holy fuck.

Chapter Text

For the first time in a long time, I’m staring down the Dragon in the middle of Norrisville. I’m actually laying on the ground holding my stomach because I think this guy just rearranged my intestines but details, details.

His sword drags along the asphalt, the occasional spark firing off from the contact. The sparks, although sparse, are purple and green. He’s still got both stanks coursing through his body, but the Humanity energy is gone.

The Dragon lifts his sword, igniting it in purple and green flames. I look on fearfully – faking it, of course. When he makes his move, I smoke bomb behind him and kick him hard in the lower back. Before he can hit the ground, I get a good grip on his tail and slam him into the asphalt in the opposite direction.

The stank sword clatters to the ground and slides just out of his reach. I don’t give him a second to recover, slamming him into the ground again and again. When his tail flicks out of my hands and tries to smack me, I leap backwards.

The Dragon struggles to get back up as he coughs.

“You can give in whenever you’re ready,” I offer. “McFist might have you under his thumb, but you can be your own person. You could be using these powers for good.” Granted, I don’t know if the stank is corrupting his mind, but again, details. It’s best to give him an option every now and then. You never know when McFist is gonna cheese this guy off.

Fire is suddenly the only thing I can see. I drop to the ground. “Ninja Hydro Hand!” I whip the water up and across, successfully striking the Dragon in the face.

Smoke pours from his mouth, his fire breathing temporarily on the fritz. I throw a couple more Hydro Hands to disorient him. I’ve kinda got him where I want him…but I don’t know what that means, honestly.

If I defeat the Dragon in a way that doesn’t kill him, the honk do I do with him? What would the cops do with him? Hand him off to the government? I don’t think the government needs to know about stank. This whole Ninja thing is isolated to Norrisville and Norrisville alone, I’m pretty sure.

I guess I could keep him in my garage?

No, that’s stupid.

I throw a handful of Ninja rings as I brandish a sword. He burns most of them to bits with fire from his hands. One hits him right in the visor on his helmet, creating a diagonal crack from corner to corner.

I rush him, sword at the ready.

The Ninja ring lodged in his visor comes flying back at me, but I’m quick to slash it away. I raise the sword again and make a decisive blow. The blade slices into his chest, ripping clean through his stupid jumpsuit thing and drawing bloody stank immediately.

He grimaces before growing a toothy grin. The wound closes, the blood absorbing into his skin like water to a towel.

H’oh boy.

I take another swing only for it to halt mid-air. The edge of my blade is caught in the Dragon’s hand, stanked blood trickling down his arm, his smile unbroken. He yanks it out of my hand and breaks the blade over his knee.

I back off, a new sword in hand. “Maybe don’t do that?!” I say in pure disbelief, my voice cracking.

The Dragon rises off the ground and flies at me in a drill spin, green stank pouring from his mouth until it ignites into green flames. I duck and blindly swing my sword in the air.

SHLUNK!

THUMP!

I blink before taking a wary glance at – I SLICED OFF HIS TAIL! IT’S JUST LAYING ON THE GROUND – NOT ATTACHED TO HIS BODY! TAIL NOT ATTACHED! ON GROUND!

Horrified, my weapon slips out of my hands. I quickly find the Dragon lying face down on the ground, not moving. I rush over to him, not sure what to do. “Uh, I know we’re like mortal enemies but…are you good?” I nudge his arm with my foot. “Are…are you dead?”

Nothing.

The only attached piece of his tail is a thick stump cut inches away from his body. There’s no bone or flesh and I’m not sure what I’m looking at; it’s just a green, bubbling circle in the confides of his scaled skin.

Cautious and unsure of myself, I press two fingers against his neck. There’s no – no, there is it. As I breathe a sigh of relief, a blast of fire throws me back into the street. I’m quick to stand again but once I do, I’m frozen in place.

Green stank erupts from the Dragon’s body like a struck match as he wobbles to his feet. His breathing heavy, his head snaps towards me. The stank explodes at his feet, overtaking the green with purple. His oblong irises, however, still glow green beneath the visor.

I summon the suit’s Tengu energy, prepared for whatever’s about to come.

Fully turned towards me, the Dragon roars, purple flames pouring from his mouth. He takes three steps before collapsing to his knees, screaming in agony. He falls forward onto his hands and digs his claws into the asphalt. What’s left of his tail oozes to the ground, bubbling green until it becomes black and stagnant.

Two bulges grow from his back, fighting against the material of the jumpsuit. In an instant, it rips and the raging stank fades, revealing two huge, dark purple wings. They stretch beyond his height and mine combined. Reddish-purple slime shines off them as he rises again. He looks to one and then the other, carefully moving them before flicking them out, the slime splattering off.

The Dragon’s visor lands on me again, his smile returning. The bands on his arms, which have been fluctuating between green and purple through this entire ordeal, burn red as he ignites his hands in regular flames. With a couple of flaps, he’s in the air and coming at me again.

Since I’ve just been standing here the whole time like a shoob, all I can do is catch his hands while they're outstretched for my demise. My feet are planted firmly on the road but he’s easily pushing backwards, even with the Tengu fire aiding me. “Premarital handholding?” I muster. “Not on my watch.” I reel my head back and slam it into the Dragon’s face. That throws him off and causes a waterfall of blood to pour from his nose. It also further cracks his helmet’s visor but it’s not by much.

The Tengu fire subsides, and I know I gotta come up with something before this guy burns me to a crisp. I maintain my side of the fight with a variety of Ninja balls. By the time he’s figured out how to dip and dodge my every move, I’ve got a new move.

I knock him through a brick wall with a Dragon Fist and deploy a Ninja Snot Ball against the wall behind me. It forms a large circle, taking up most of the space. The rainbow swirls congeal into a plain white as the Dragon pulls himself from the rubble.

This worked once; it should work again.

My enemy is in the air, the white portal reflecting harshly against his cracked visor. He repositions his wings and body to strike me down again but boy, do I have a surprise for him.

I send a storm of arrows his way, quickly adding a dash of Tengu fire to them. He tries to dodge them but there’s no escaping this. He can’t get to me either as I stand safely in the only arrow-less spot in front of the portal.

The arrows stick in his skin, pierce his helmet, and penetrate his new wings. It takes him a few seconds to give up and retreat. He takes refuge on a roof as he shakes off and removes arrows from himself. He’s singed and burned all over, and he's cheesed off. Teeth bared, he takes flight again but not for long. He drops as newest appendages break out in a boiling frenzy.

My portal snaps shut as the Dragon rockets into the air, unable to use his wings for flight, and runs home to McFist.

Cheese, I’m so tired. And my knees hurt.

Chapter Text

Viceroy, a clipboard and McFist Pad under his arm, mutters incessantly as he walks through the dull halls of McFist Industries. Six hours of nonstop work and for what? To march back up to his boss’ office and get yelled at for something entirely out of his control. There was only so much he and the science team could do.

And yet, when McFist inevitably shouted and demanded “what must be done,” Viceroy would dryly assure him there was more progress ahead of them. It was like clockwork.

That meant more work, more stress, and less time with his family. At this point, all he wanted was more time with his husband and their three beautiful children.

The doors to McFist’s office slide open. The gazillionaire sits at his desk, his phone to his ear. “Yes, dear, of course! No, no. He’s fine!” He spins his office chair away from the window. He holds out the phone once he spots his cohort. “Tell her, Viceroy,” he commands.

Reluctantly, the scientist takes the phone. “Heeey, Marci,” he says like it’s a regular Thursday, and for them, it is.

“Willem, is that little boy okay?” she asks, worry clear in her voice. “You know how Hannibal likes to stretch things.”

“Oh, I know. I’ve met him…unfortunately.” He and Marci share a collective giggle as McFist scowls, arms crossed.

“But the little boy? How is he?”

“He’s fine. It took some time to get him patched up but nothing’s impossible.”

“Thank goodness! He seems like such a brazen young man, but he’s still just a little boy,” Marci laments. She sighs. “He reminds me so much my little Bash.”

Ah, yes, the loud and brutish teenager on the brink of adulthood. “Little” Bash.

McFist snatches the phone from Viceroy’s hand and turns back to his large office window. “See, I told you. The kid’s fine, shnookums.”

There’s pause.

“I’d rather not have him over for dinner, dear. You haven’t seen his temperament.”

Another pause.

“I don’t think ‘a mother’s touch’ will do anything. There’s stank coursing through his veins. I think it makes him a bit, ehhhh, touchy.”

One last pause.

“I’m sure he’ll appreciate a plate of your casserole, dear. I’ll get it sorted out.” He sighs before adding, “Yes, goodbye, my honey butter sugarplum! Love you!” The phone back on the receiver, McFist groans and rubs his temples.

“Do you…want the report, sir?” Viceroy asks.

“Yeah, yeah. Give it to me.”

Viceroy lays down the tablet, making sure the biometrics and photos are easy to see and navigate. “Most of the injuries sustained were surface level and patched up easily. However, it seems the green stank in his system has weakened. As far we can tell, one unit of green stank was lost when his tail was severed.”

“What? Why?”

“A majority of the stank had manifested in the tail and upon being severed from his body, it was also severed from the purple stank.”

McFist, tablet in hand, shakes his head. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Viceroy restrains himself from rolling his eyes. “The purple stabilizes the green and vice versa, Hannibal.”

“Right, right. I knew that.”

“Mm. Anyway, the sudden shift of stank in his body shifted his mutations, and now he’s got wings. We need to rebalance things, though, seeing as the Ninja was able to destabilize him again.”

McFist slides through the charts and photos, nodding absently. “How long will it take to rebalance the kid?”

Viceroy shrugs. “Could be a month, sir.”

“Ugh, great.” McFist drops the tablet on his desk. He thinks for a moment before asking, “Ya think this would be a good time to test out your kid’s idea?”

Viceroy smiles. “This is the perfect time. Give me a week, and Iris’ plan will be put into action. She’ll be thrilled.”

“Good, good. I like that girl. Crafty, calculated…and a little off her rocker. Just like her old man.”

Chapter Text

A couple of days after facing the Dragon, I have to face a new robot. I was just in the middle of a Saturday adventure with Howard and Junpei, but here I am in full Ninja garb in the middle of some street, knees aching and fully annoyed.

Before me stands a top-heavy, generic bot. It’s grey with green panels on the joints and one large green panel across the chest. The head sports a strong jaw akin to the Ninja of ’05, but it holds an unmatched anger in its glass eyes. At its sides are, almost comically, two large hammer heads hanging from spring-loaded arms. What is this – a cartoon from the 40s?

Above the chest plate is a decently sized nameplate reading: “GallaSmasher.” Sure, whatever, as long as I can call it something.

One arm winds back and launches at me. I leap, letting it smash into the road, and ride it back to its owner. “What a smashing performance!” I quip. Now in its face, I throw the back of my hand against my head for drama’s sake. “Alas, the show must come to an end!” I attempt to end this with one smooth Ninja kick, but instead of the GallaSmasher’s head going flying, pain rockets up my leg and I’m on the ground.

“We’ve hit intermission,” I muster through my teeth. A shadow falls over me but I’m quick to roll out of the way. The asphalt smashes next to me, a second shadow overtaking me. I roll again until I can handspring out of the way.

Shaking off the pain, I grab a sword but I’m immediately struck in the chest and sent flying. I bounce a few times before skidding to a stop. Standing is out of the question until I heal myself – I’ve got at least six broken ribs right now. My shoulder doesn’t feel right, either.

Despite an absurd amount of struggling and shaking, I manage to get the red glowing Ninja magic to happen. The pain starts to fade and I – AHH! FUCKFUCKFUCK!

Everything gets turned up to eleven. My hands get yanked away from me, suspended in midair. All I can feel is the intense burning of my broken bones. It’s impossible to breathe through the pain.

Gasping for life, I lift my head enough to see a familiar antenna sticking out of the GallaSmasher’s chest. It’s stealing my magic and probably my life force. My head falls, exhaustion overcoming me. I’m so close to passing out – or dying. I can’t tell.

Thunk!

Thunk! Thunk!

Through the high-pitched ringing flooding my ears, I hear something. Electricity joins the ringing but I can’t do anything to see what’s going on.

Thunk! Fwoosh!

The beam stealing my basic existence as the Ninja and a person disappears and I collapse. New agony rings throughout my body, every broken bone jarred and irritated by gravity itself. I regret existing. I almost lose consciousness. I’m surprised I don’t but I kinda wish I had.

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

Barely able to move, the Ninja Art of Heal comes to life at my fingertips. I clench my fists, taking the magic in. I channel it as deeply as I can, letting it linger as long as it’ll stay. Then I let it go and jump to my feet.

I haven’t fully recovered my breathing or energy but a fight’s a…fight? The GallaSmasher is on the ground, on fire and not moving. The fight’s over?

I hobble over to the thing. This is wonk.

Arrows protrude from the metal. Some of them are surface level, others stuck in clear to the little feathers on the ends. I pull one out of the GallaSmasher’s hip – a part of the robot that isn’t set aflame. These are black with exception of the silver tip and the red feathers. These are the arrows I summoned from the Realm of Creation.

I didn’t throw any snot balls. I barely did anything besides suffer. What happened?

Chapter Text

I text Howard to keep Junpei occupied while I shloomp. I gotta figure this out pronto. I think I messed something up.

The Nomicon throws me into a blindly white environment, full of nothing and its brightness unforgiving. I can’t even get my eyes to adjust to this. This honkin’ hurts.

“Tell me everything about this realm,” I say, fruitlessly rubbing my eyes.

“How about a ‘please,’ Ninja 199. I’m sure you weren’t raised in a barn,” a voice says, the tone pointed but unamused.

Against the harsh light stands a past Ninja. His black suit’s literally a sight for sore eyes. He’s a bit shorter than me but his suit is borderline more bruce than mine. He’s got boots that go up to his knees, and the suit’s pants billow a bit until the red sash at his waist.

The top is formfitting otherwise. It’s also sleeveless and the red scarf, which appears to be more of a shoulder cape or something, covers half his chest and the red Ninja symbol on it.

Red material covers his wrists, leading to black fingerless gloves.

The red markings on his mask surround the eye window entirely. Two points come from either top corner, and single points sit beneath his eyes. His mask and his entire outfit comes off more as a luchador than a ninja, but his stance, his energy – he couldn’t be anything besides a ninja.

A series of doodle words surround him: “Ninja of 1777,” “smooth moves, smoother voice,” and “greedy but giving.”

1777 gestures towards me, still awaiting a note of politeness from me.

“Uh, right. Sorry. Can you please tell me about all this?” Still squinting against the light, I wave a hand in the general vicinity of this entire place.

The past Ninja nods. “This is the Realm of Creation. Anything is possible here. It is, however, more of a concept than a place. One can exist here but it isn’t meant to sustain life.

“It’s also important to maintain a certain level of selflessness and level-headedness. You cannot fall towards greed with this. It’s easy to do; I learned that the hard way.”

“Right, but how does everything work with this? What are the rules?” I ask.

1777 takes a slow blink, a hand outstretched to the white void. A violin and a bow appear in his palm. He takes the butt of the violin under his chin and plays a few notes. “You think of what you want and it appears. It’s possible to manifest anything here.”

“Even life?”

As he plays the violin more, his dark brown eyes closed, he replies, “Even life.”

“H’oh boy.” I run my hand through my hair with a heavy breath. “So, is it possible to make stuff…by accident?”

1777’s playing comes to a halt, his eyes snapping open. “Of course. If you don’t maintain focus, any monstrosity or atrocity is possible.” His instrument disappears as he props his hands on his hips. “What have you done?” he asks sternly.

“I don’t know, honestly. I’ve used the realm to summon arrows for battle twice. Just a few minutes ago, arrows happened again, but I didn’t summon a portal. They just…happened.”

1777 rubs his chin. “If your mind strayed during battle, you may have brought something else into our realm.”

I cross my arms and try to think what could’ve distracted me.

“What gave you the idea for such an attack?” 1777 asks.

That’s a good start. I wanted something swift and focused. I wanted a good projectile weapon I could easily control and add power to.

The first time I summoned the arrows, I was with Junpei. My eyes widen. “My boyfriend is on the archery team at his school. I wasn’t thinking that then, though. It must’ve been subconscious or something.”

“No matter,” 1777 says. “You were thinking of a living being then. You may’ve produced a living being accidentally. Assuming you two are close, this is more than possible.”

“I just gotta catch whatever it is then?”

My mentor nods, hands folded behind his back. “Then execute it or send it into the Realm of Nothingness. Either is acceptable.”

“Whoa, you want me to kill this thing?” I exclaim.

“Of course. Who knows what you’ve brought into our realm? It’s better safe than sorry.” Absently, 1777 rubs his eye and adds, “You have to understand, it isn’t unusual for the realms to leak into one another. This often results in what you refer to as ‘cryptids’ as well as other anomalies. The Ninja may have access to the other realms, but they do exist independent of us.

“Some of these cryptids and anomalies are harmless. Others can cause havoc and despair. We cannot keep track of every little thing that happens in the world, nor are we meant to. However, when a Ninja makes a mess, it is their responsibility to clean it up.”

Great, that’s all I need. I’ve got some archery goblin roaming Norrisville. Now, I gotta find it and catch it and…“remove” it.

Deep in my own thoughts, I fail to notice the guitar in 1777’s hands. “Adios, 199.” He wings it over his shoulder like a baseball bat and –

I jump, standing straight up from being shloomped, and smack the back of my head into the brick wall behind me. The impact sends me right back to being nose deep in the NinjaNomicon’s pages. “Haven’t I been thrown around enough today?” I mumble. My hands tentatively rub my new headache.

I hope Junpei has ibuprofen in that little backpack he carries. I can’t remember if he has it today or not. Granted, I also can’t remember my name right now but I’m just gonna lay here until I do.

Chapter Text

I’m pretty sure I don’t have a concussion, but the headache and general exhaustion I’m feeling right now sucks – big time. This is a lot tamer compared to the aftereffects of the mosquito-bot’s energy stealing. I don’t know if I’m used to it now – which is a horrendously wonk thing to suggest – or if this bot just didn’t have the same power pull.

It’s left me feeling lightheaded but I still feel like a person. Mostly.

The tracking app says Howard’s a street over and Junpei is right around the corner. He almost knocks me down when he sees me. “There you are!” He peppers my face with kisses and, as much as I adore it, I’m in no condition to adore it.

I gently push him away, head pounding. “Do you have…drugs?” I ask, almost slurring it.

Junpei tilts his head. “Drugs?”

“Head drugs.”

Junpei rushes a hand to my forehead, his cute face twisting in concern. “Do you mean ibuprofen?” he asks slowly.

I hum in agreement, and he finally digs into his bag. While I stand there, swaying a little, a hand slaps me hard on the back and I almost careen into the street. “There you are!” Howard exclaims, nowhere near as sweetly as Junpei did. “Where were you shoobs? I was totally alone the entire time!”

Junpei places two white pills in my hand. “I don’t even know. I just kinda lost both of you and got stuck in a bunch of linked alleyways.”

“Three,” I say.

“That’s not the recommended dose,” Junpei replies flatly.

“Three.”

Junpei shakes his head and plops a third one into my hand. While he’s digging in his bag for something else, I down the ibuprofen in one gulp. A water bottle in his hand, Junpei stares at me either in disbelief or disgust - maybe both. “You did not just swallow those dry.”

“Cunningham, what’s your deal?” Howard grabs me by the shoulder and turns me slightly. Realization blares in his eyes. “Oh, you had a panic attack, didn’t you?” he asks, eyebrows raised.

I blink. I’m lost.

“Panic attack?” Junpei echoes, the water bottle still in one hand and his mini backpack replaced over his shoulders. His free hand softly grabs my arm.

Howard nods. “Yeah, he totally had a panic attack. Look at him. No one’s home.”

I scrunch my brow. “Rude.”

“Ehhh, someone’s home but the lights aren’t on.” My best friend shrugs. “Fella used to get waaaay too close to the Ninja action at school. Sometimes, these robots and beasts just really freak him out.”

Junpei opens the water bottle and places it in my hand. It’s lukewarm. “We should get him home then,” he says. He directs me to drink, so I do. “We could watch a movie…if his GameStation isn’t still jammed, Howard.”

My arm gets thrown around Junpei’s shoulders, and he slips his fingers between mine. I’m not getting involved in this.

“Whoa, whoa!” Howard throws up his hands, brows knitted together. “There’s no proof I did that!”

“You calling my sweet, sweet Randy a liar?”

“I – well – no. This shoob can’t lie like that.”

Junpei starts walking us towards a bus stop. “So, you admit it then?”

“Wha - no! Ooo, Kawakami, you’re gonna get it!”

“Bring it!” Junpei laughs. “You’re not scary.”

“Wait until we’re on the bus! Then you’ll see!”

The GallaSmasher didn’t kill me, but this incoming Howard fart in a confined space will. As long as he doesn’t have any pigeon in his system, we should be good. A pigeon-backed fart might get us kicked off the bus.

Chapter Text

Sunday is nothing but snuggling, as per Dr. Junpei’s orders. He was all over how I was feeling after Howard declared I was suffering the aftermath of a panic attack. I wasn’t going to tell Junpei about my panic attacks, frankly. They’re not frequent or linked to any disorder; they’re just panic attacks. Being the Ninja comes with a lot of stress, especially with how serious things have gotten. It’s not ninth grade goofs and misadventures anymore.

At the same time, I’m 15 and tired and veeerrry biromantic. Crumbling at the will of my boyfriend seems to be one of my biggest weaknesses right now.

We shouldn’t be going out into Norrisville as much as we are. It’s important that we’re not going out on our own but still. Seth is out there somewhere, McFist could send out a new robot or stank beast at any moment, and the Dragon could pop out whenever. I should also be looking for my archery goblin or whatever.

And yet, here we are. Monday after school, Junpei convinces me to go on a date. It’s just PJ McFlubbusters but it’s nice for it to just be us.

We sit in a booth in the back in a dim corner. “I know I’m trying to be quiet about myself, but we don’t have to sit in the emo corner,” I try to say. I think I’ve seen Julian sit back here before.

Junpei brushes me off. “C’mon, Koyo, this is mood lighting! It’s romantic!”

I raise an eyebrow and a snarky smirk. “Can you see your menu?”

He presses his menu against the table and slides it towards the middle. “Who needs a menu when we’ve got romance?”

I chuckle but only for a moment. “Hey, uh, I wanted to say thank you for all you do for me. You’re always so attentive and understanding. I’m sure this whole hiding our relationship thing is exhausting.”

Junpei shrugs. “Not really. I don’t have anyone to hide it from.”

“What about your friends?”

"Friend,” he corrects. “She knows I have a boyfriend, but I’ve never said your name to her. We’re not even that close.”

I’m bewildered. This is so wonk. “What about those girls you skate with?”

“I’m kinda a fifth wheel in that group. They’re biffers but I’m just that nice gay guy who comes to skate with them.” He notices the weird look on my face despite our poor lighting situation. With a laugh, he asks, “Did you think I was popular?”

“Yeah! Obviously!”

“Why?”

I gesture to all of him. “Have you met yourself? You’re a ten! Howard and I might be eights but we’re complete losers.”

Junpei hides his smile behind the sleeves of his stolen green hoodie. I wore one of my other hoodies to school, so we’re actually matching today. He didn’t ask why I wasn’t wearing my stolen cardigan, thankfully. I think he was too excited about matching to bother.

“Howard’s kinda a shoob sometimes, but neither of you are losers.”

I cross my arms and lean on the table. “Howard and I were in a club for losers specifically once, so I beg to differ. Well, actually, it was a ‘kloob.’” After Junpei giggles at that ridiculous word, I say, “Maybe we should get together your friend. I’d love to meet her.”

Junpei’s smile becomes a line and he looks away. “Uh, sure.”

“What does that mean?”

“I…think you already know her,” he answers, fiddling with his hoodie’s cuffs. I raise an eyebrow as he recounts the story:

“I was rummaging through my locker for a library book last Monday, minding my own business. I heard footsteps come up next to me. I didn’t think anything of it. Then I hear my friend say my name. I’ve literally got my head in my locker, so I don’t look at her. ‘Yeah?’ I say.

“‘Are you wearing Randy Cunningham’s sweatshirt?’

“I’m so surprised, I bang my head on the bottom of my locker shelf. I pull myself out and look at her. She looked so confused and dejected, but she knew what she was asking.

“You wanting to be private about yourself and us kicks in, and I ask, ‘Who?’

“‘Randy Cunningham. That’s his sweatshirt, isn’t it?’ I just tell her I don’t know who that is, and she goes quiet and waits for me so we can head to homeroom.” Junpei’s still focused on his fingers delicately skimming the ribbed cuffs. “I’m pretty sure she knows I was lying but she just kinda dropped it.”

“Theresa Fowler?” I ask quietly.

“Yeah. How do you know her?”

“Uh…” This is so, so awkward. “I had a huge crush on her last year, but she ended up blocking me because I basically badmouthed her cousin right to her. Then Theresa moved over the summer…and now she goes to your school.”

“Her cousin? Debbie? What’d she do?”

I explain the whole thing to him. Hopefully, this doesn't ruin anything between us.

“Hm. Theresa always says Debbie’s so nice but I guess not when she wants to be.”

Junpei’s on my side?

“I mean, she could’ve endangered your life with how all this robot and stank business is going. Why would you even want to figure out the Ninja’s identity, anyway? It’s just some guy from the 1200s.”

Thank cheese.

I can’t believe my boyfriend and ex-crush go to school together. I can’t believe they’re friends. They’re practically best friends! But they’re not…but they could be!

…

I think the wait staff forgot we’re back here.

Chapter Text

After we leave the restaurant, there’s a robot attack because of course. I have to do something pretty rude to lose Junpei but hopefully he’ll just accept it as me being freaked out.

It’s another GallaSmasher, but I’m able to get the upper hand this time. I dodge the first swing of its hammer and slice the arm coil, successfully severing it. With its surviving hammer, it smashes a nearby building, sending a ton of rubble my way. It catches me off guard long enough for the chest antenna to come out again.

However, thanks to the archery goblin, it never gets the chance to even power on said antenna. A couple of arrows pierce it and it's instantly useless.

From there, I disarm the GallaSmasher for a second time and finish the fight with a good old fashioned decapitation. After the hunk of junk collapses, I’m quick to pinpoint maybe where the arrows were coming from. I’m also quick to find absolutely no goblin.

I huff a little until I find one lone, black and red arrow laying on the roof. I was on the right path but I wasn’t quick enough. Although, to be frank, this archery goblin thing is really proving itself to be a good ally.

Maybe the Ninja of 1777 was over exaggerating.

Stashing the arrow away in the Ninja sash, I take a moment to just kinda stand here. What was I doing?

My phone dings. It’s Junpei: “Where’d you go???”

I think the location tracker on my phone automatically turns off somehow when I Ninja up. I should get back on the ground and find him. I’ve got some explaining to do.

“Ninja!”

My head snaps up. Am I really close enough to the roof’s edge to be seen?

“Hey, Ninja!” Junpei calls out again.

I can’t ignore him. He’s actively looking for me, and now he’s spotted his all-time favorite hero-slash-supernatural-being.

I hop onto this apartment building’s fire escape and secure the Ninja scarf to its railing. Upside down, I lower myself down to Junpei’s eye level. I’m sure to keep a tight hold on the scarf and keep my legs slightly intertwined with it for extra stability. “How may I help you, citizen I’ve never met before?” I ask.

Junpei giggles as he stuffs his phone in his pocket. “I kinda lost my boyfriend. Have you seen him around?”

“Uh… What’s he look like?”

“Purple hair, green sweatshirt, handsomely lanky…”

I shake my head. “Sorry, I don’t think so.”

Junpei shrugs. “I’ll find him sooner or later, but in the meantime,” he pauses, scratching the back of his head, “I wanted to thank you.”

My mind blanks. “For?”

“For saving me so much. I don’t think I’ve had the opportunity to really thank you.”

“O-oh, well, you don’t have to thank me. It’s what I do.”

His eyes connect with mine. “I want to. You do so much for so many people and you’ve done so much for me.” Junpei clasps his hands behind his back and scuffs his sneaker in the dirt. “So, would it be okay if I gave you a kiss?”

“A kiss?” I repeat. “Don’t you have a boyfriend? You just said –”

“Yeah, but I don’t think he’ll mind. If anything, he’ll be jealous he didn’t get to kiss you.” He chuckles before adding, “He also shoved me into some trash cans, so eh. Fair is fair.”

That doesn’t inherently seem fair but I can’t stop myself from saying, “Okay then. Sure.”

Carefully, Junpei searches the edges of the Ninja mask at my neck. Chills run up my spine as I fight a wave of panic. No one’s ever touched the mask like this while I was wearing it before. I’m half afraid he’ll rip it clean off me…but he doesn’t.

Instead, he slowly pulls the material over my nose and leaves it there. His hands gently rest on my cheeks. Then, somewhere between “forever” and “before I know it,” his lips are on mine.

I’ve never realized how badly I wanted to Spider-Guy kiss my boyfriend before.

Except…

He’s not Spider-Guy kissing me, he’s Spider-Guy kissing the Ninja. And he’s doing it so casually and tenderly. Wait, does this mean he’s cheating on me? With the Ninja?

If he’s so willing and open to kiss the Ninja, is he kissing other guys when I’m not around? He doesn’t know I’m the Ninja, so this is technically cheating. At the same time, it isn’t cheating because I’m the Ninja. My boyfriend can’t cheat on me with me – but he doesn’t know I’m me.

Oh, this is hurting my brain…

Ever so softly, our lips part, and I’ve got one of my classic lovesick shoob smiles on my face. I can feel it.

“Y’know, Ninja, you’ve got a smile that could light up a room,” Junpei says sweetly.

Heat growing in my face, I divert the conversation. If I get all flustered in front of him, he’ll know it’s me. “H-hey, that’s a nice necklace. It’s the Ninja six, yeah?” My voice totally doesn’t crack at all when I say that, trust me.

Junpei grabs the small, red boxy piece of metal hanging from his neck. “It’s a nine? Like the nine on your suit.”

Is…is this a nine? Really?

I grab the fabric over my left chest area and pull on it to see it. Still looks like a six to me. When I look back at Junpei, he’s holding his necklace upside down for me. That’s definitely a nine. “Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, I knew that.”

I did not.

Junpei replaces the Ninja mask over the rest of my face and I almost faint. This is so ridiculously intimate. “Maybe you should go lie down,” he says, still smiling. “Bet you’ve had a big day ninja-ing around.”

“Yeah.” I nod, not sure where to go from here. “Uh, hope you find your boyfriend. You should probably tell him you kissed me, by the way.”

My boyfriend, who doesn’t know he’s my boyfriend, chuckles. He absently rubs the red nine on his necklace. “I will.”

After I desuit and get back to the general area we were in, I get another text from Junpei: “You won’t believe what I just did! You’re gonna be so jealous, Koyo!”

I bring up our tracking app, and I see Junpei’s a block away. I’m not looking forward to this conversation. We reconnect in front of a café, and Junpei doesn’t rush to hug me for once. I try to initiate the hug but he turns away from me with a fake pout. “I don’t know if the guy who pushed me into a bunch of trash cans deserves a hug,” he taunts.

Defeated, I lower my arms. “That’s fair. That was a total shoob move, and I’m really sorry. It’s just…when danger pops up like that, I go into panic mode and bolt. I can be pretty stupid when that happens.”

Junpei’s fake pout shifts to a mischievous smile before falling with guilt. He quickly wraps his arms around me. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Don’t worry about it. It was completely my fault. I’d never do anything to hurt you on purpose.” I did shove him on purpose, but I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I could never.

I separate our hug, hands patiently on lower back, I ask, “What was your text about?”

Junpei’s eyes light up. “Oh! I kissed the Ninja!”

“What? That guy’s like 800 years old!”

“I guess, but he’s cute!”

Heat rises in my face, but I do everything I can to will it away. My brows pull together. “But isn’t that gross? He’s centuries older than any of us, and he might not even be human.”

Junpei holds back a laugh. “One of my favorite book series is about a teen who falls in love with a thousand-year-old vampire who’s also eternally kinda a teenager.” He scratches his face and looks away. “It’s actually really stupid; don’t look into it.”

I stick my tongue out. “Alright, whatever.”

“Are you jealous?” he asks in singsong voice as he leans on me. Then his smile drops. “Or are you mad? You’ve got every right to be mad.”

“Nah, I could never be mad at my Junie-pie.” I give his nose a peck. I think I've got something up my sleeve for this. “I am a little jealous, though, I gotta say. Now, you and Howard have kissed the Ninja.”

Junpei jumps back, eyes wide. “What?!”

Arms folded behind my head, I smirk. “Yep. I’m the only one who hasn’t kissed him yet,” I take a wistful breath and gaze into the clouds, “but one day.”

Nailed it.

Chapter Text

“It’s a nine!” Junpei stresses. “The Ninja didn’t even know it was a nine! What’s wrong with you guys?” After the whole situation, we headed to my house to do homework and hang out. Junpei was just filling me in that the Ninja liked his necklace. “We already had this conversation when we met up for our date!”

We definitely did but this kinda went in one ear and out the other.

“Is it…new?” I ask wearily.

“Randy, oh my Ninja…” Junpei shoves his face in his hands. He leans back against the arm of my sofa. We’re sitting face to face, homework in our laps. His arms stretch out behind him. “Yes! I made it in my metal arts class! You weren’t listening when I said this to you!”

“Cunningham –”

I jump and turn to see Howard inviting himself in, totally uninvited.

“– he made it in metal arts! Weren’t you listening?”

Junpei sits straight, fists clenched. “He wasn’t!”

Howard gives me a disappointed shake of his head before plopping into a beanbag chair. He grabs a GameStation controller, settling in for whatever game I’ve left in the console. “How was your date, dweebs?” he asks.

I shrug despite that Howard isn’t looking this way. “Pretty good.”

Junpei does a dramatic sigh. “Well, Randy abandoned me during a robot attack but I got to kiss the Ninja.”

Howard’s thumbs freeze on the joysticks, eyes wide. “You…kissed the Ninja?” he asks slowly.

“Yep! Now, I’m part of the club!” Junpei closes his notebook, brows drawn together. He looks at me. “Kloob?”

“What ‘kloob’?”

“We both kissed the Ninja!” Junpei exclaims.

Finally, Howard turns to us, fist under his chin. His eyes zip between Junpei and me. “You and Cunningham kissed the Ninja?”

I shake my head and discreetly point at Howard. “You did,” I mouth. The death glare I get from my best friend is nearly lethal. Somehow, Junpei misses the entire interaction.

“No, you and me. You don’t have to be shy about it,” Junpei encourages.

I’m battling Howard’s death glare with some puppy eyes. He’s protected my secret identity so far. We’ve also kissed, so it technically isn’t a lie. Also, Howard loves me and has to put up with me for the rest of our lives, so if he doesn’t do this, he’s dead to me.

“Uh, yeah. I’ve smooched him. I just didn’t wanna make you feel bad ‘cause I did it first.”

Have I ever expressed how much I love Howard?

“What was it like?”

“Well, Kawakami, let me tell you.” Howard props his fist on his chin as his eyes cement themselves to the ceiling in a dreamy façade. “It was a dark day only illuminated by the neon lights of the Club Super Awesome Teen Time Club. Promises of sick beats and good eats were aplenty. But alas, stank knows no bounds. A few poor souls were warped into bloodthirsty hounds, itching for a bite at our simple mortal flesh.”

Wow, he’s really milking this, huh.

“I, a brave and noble man of few flaws, find a door into a deep, dank cavern. I get everyone out and lead them through the cavern. The exit alluded me at first, and I accidentally led us to an epic battle between the Ninja and the Sorceress.”

Junpei’s eyes sparkle at the mention of a magical villain. I guess he’s really buying this. I, on the other hand, am not. These details are skewed as juice.

“The Ninja, like the total shoobish hero he is, grabs the Sorceress and dives into this huge honkin’ portal to the Realm of Shadows. He fights her off or whatever, and these schansty grabby things grab him. I make a daring leap and grab the Ninja by the scarf. With literally no help from any of the shoobs behind me, I pull him out and save his life.”

Howard’s eyes return to us, half-lidded and full of snarky deceit. He chuckles. “After we led everyone to safety, the Ninja pulls me aside –”

Here we go.

“– and says, ‘You are truly a hero. I wish I could reward you with something but I fear my weapons are just too much for someone with such delicate hands. But mayhaps I can give you a kiss?’” Howard’s eyes close, the smile on his face cockier than anything I’ve ever seen. “And the rest is history.”

Have I ever expressed how much I hate Howard? Why is he like this?

Junpei’s awe gleams on his face. He’s fully turned to Howard, now. “That’s amazing!”

“Yeah, I know.”

“What’s the Realm of Shadows, though?” Junpei asks. “I’ve never heard of that before.”

I shake my head but Howard doesn’t see it until he’s halfway through his answer. “It’s where the Sorcerer and the Sorceress came from – probably. I don’t know. You hear some wacky stuff when you’re around the Ninja.”

“That’s so bruce!” Junpei starts another sentence but stops to read a text from one of his moms. “Aw, I gotta go. My aunts and my cousin are coming over tonight; I have to help with dinner.” He quickly shoves his things in his backpack. With a smooch, he starts to head out.

“Hey, where’s my kiss?” Howard prods.

Junpei pauses before growing a mischievous smirk. He spins on his heel and plants a kiss on Howard’s cheek. In turn, Howard rubs it off, eyes wide. “Oh, gross! I was kidding! Who knows where you’ve been!?”

“I’ve been with Randy!” Junpei laughs.

“Bleh, that’s worse than literally anything else!”

Victorious, Junpei finally leaves. His feet go down the steps, he goes quiet for a moment as he puts on his skates, and then the front door open and closes. Howard and I are quiet the entire time. He even holds up a finger when I try to say something. Junpei assuredly out of the house, Howard declares, “You’re stupid.”

“I know.”

“You kissed him…as the Ninja? Really?”

“It was a moment of weakness.”

Howard rolls his eyes and refocuses on whatever GameStation game’s in front of him. “He’s gonna figure it out,” he says dryly.

“No, he’s not. That was a one-time thing.” I huff. “It does have me worried, though. If he was so willing to kiss the Ninja, is he cheating on me with someone? Or someones?”

“Kawakami’s a loser like us. Who the juice do you think he’s gonna cheat with?”

“I – wait, you know he’s a loser?”

Howard side-eyes me, tapping away on the controller’s buttons. He’s playing CyberGrave Punch-Punch Revolution in 3D: The Remastered Masterpiece, and he’s absolutely ruining my avatar’s car in a car chase. He’s also wasting all my ammunition. “No duh, dude. Who else would hang out with us? We never made names for ourselves last year. Popularity actually avoids us, no matter what we do.”

A fiery explosion fills the TV screen, green text fading in overtop of it: “Punched Out.” Howard furrows his brow at it before looking at me, adding, “Besides, the guy seems too mushy to cheat. I don’t think he has it in him.”

I want to believe that, I do, but I can’t help the worry I’ve planted. Besides the possibility of Junpei cheating at all, I’m a little concerned he’s in love with the Ninja more than he is me.

“Cunningham, that’s the most asinine, wonk thing I’ve ever heard. He’s a fanboy, sure, but he’s in love with you. Get your head out of your butt.”

Chapter Text

There’s a robot every day until Thursday, and the wins tend to come easier thanks to the Archery Goblin. I still can’t find said goblin, but at this rate, I don’t know that I really want to. It’s loyal to me for whatever reason. I have a long way to go with my journey as the Ninja, and I don’t see the problem with a little help.

You know, as long as it doesn’t start trying to rob banks or something. Then I’d have to do something about it.

Until then, I’m perched on the top of a building, texting my sweet, sweet Junie-pie. I’m still iffy on the whole kissing thing, but I trust him. Junpei isn’t Seth – not by a long shot.

Junpei: Look, all I’m saying is if your nonsensical animation guy can get his hands on a movie for the series or whatever, we should get it. It’s technically not piracy.

Me: I’ll look into it, Junie lol

Me: But I thought you supported piracy?

Junpei: I do when it comes to big city musicals. Cable animation needs the TV viewership. And indie stuff needs to be supported directly at every chance, tbh

I look up from my phone to scan the street. No robots, no beasts.

When I look back down, Howard’s contact picture pops onto the screen and his ringtone dances into the air. I answer it nonchalantly, “Hey, Howie. What’s up?”

In turn, however, his reply isn’t as relaxed. He doesn’t even greet me. “Dude, I remembered something I forgot to tell you!”

“Uh, alright. Hit me.” I peer down the road. I’m on Main Street today. It’s busy like it usually is as far as people and traffic goes.

“You know how I had to bail on you and Kawakami for that McIndustries barbeque?”

“Yep. Hope the pasta salad was worth it.” I pay mind to the other end of Main Street. There’s something weird on the horizon. The honk is that?

“Who can remember? My point is, I talked to Iris –”

I stand, still focused on the horizon. There’s a green line of something coming. “Williams-Viceroy?!” I exclaim.

“Obviously! She told me her next idea for the stank was a stampede of horse beasts. When they see you, you’re dead!”

The ground begins the shake, the very obvious sound of hooves racing along the paved road accompanying it. Cars and trucks are quick to flee to branching roads and attempt U-turns without hitting each other.

“What the juice does that mean?!”

“I don’t know! She wouldn’t tell me! I even tried to flirt it out of her and nothing!” Howard’s panic subsides briefly. “She’s not into guys with a C- grade average, apparently. The Weinerman charm doesn’t fix that.”

“Howard, focus!”

The horse beasts come into view. Dark green fur, spiked black manes, and dark purple eyes, full of hatred and stank. The closer they get, the more apparent it is these aren’t put together well. Holes pepper their backs, revealing shifting purples and greens.

“Th-that’s it! Horse beasts – tons of ‘em!” He must be able to hear the thunderous approach of my newest set of enemies. “Don’t die!”

Then the call drops. Great. Bruce.

There are maybe thirty of these things, and I hate each and every one of them. On the bright side, they’re all about the size of your average horse. They’re still intimidating in stature but nothing unreasonable.

Without an inkling of a plan, I leap into the middle of the street. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m doing.

This would be a great time to have the Raijū energy but you won’t believe who hasn’t even bothered messing with that. Why would I do this to myself?!

Oh, Archery Goblin, may your aim be immaculate today.

I need something big and fast. I need something for multiple enemies. Best case scenario, I trap these things somehow and dish out a Droplet of Humanity or two. I could dish out a Ninja Snot Ball, but I’ve only got two useful realms right now. There’s nowhere ideal for me to summon the Realm of Creation, and I don’t know if I can just chuck a bunch of stank beasts into the Realm of Nothingness.

An idea strikes me.

“Stay grounded, do not waver. The dirt itself will pay you a favor. To stop your foes and hold them back. Harness the soil for an Earth Attack.”

After reciting the spell, a slew of dust swirls at my feet, lifting me into the air. The asphalt breaks beneath me, dirt shooting up and encasing my legs as it swirls, too. I rise above the awnings and lampposts; each stank horse clear in my line of sight.

“Halt in your tracks, you shall. Stay put in your corral.”

Walls of dirt burst through the sidewalks, snaking towards each other quickly until merging together as one structure. I raise my arms, willing the dirt to grow taller. The stank horses race the oval enclosure’s inner edge, neighing and huffing. If I do this right, I’ll be able to line the top of the walls with however many Droplets I have left and purify the stank.

Wait, I’m out. I only grabbed six – no, seven, and I’ve definitely used them all. Why aren’t I more attentive to my Ninja issues? First the Raijū energy and now this.

While I’m weighing my other options, the twisting tower of dirt holding me up jerks and shakes. Eyes wide, I look down. A creature stares back at me, mouth stretched back to its pointed ears, jagged, uneven teeth filling it. Its claws, elongated and black, easily stab into the dirt. Back legs jut out from its body in a wide stance, arched like spider legs, effortlessly supporting it as it climbs.

“Aw, schnasty!” I look back into the corral, the walls crumbling as I lose focus. The beasts stand one by one, bones cracking, skin tearing and warping. “What is this?! What happened to the horses?!”

The spellbound dirt slowly collapses around me. The stank horse creature crawling towards my demise is suddenly way too close to me. Rhyming totally out the window, I brandish a sword and a single sai. I chuck the sai into the creature’s skull. Green stank oozes from the wound but it doesn’t mind. Its jaw unhinges and it releases a bloodcurdling screech my way.

Thunk! Fwoosh!

The creature goes flying, a flaming arrow in one of the gaping holes in its back. It screeches the whole way as it plummets to the earth.

Thunk! Thunk!

Two more fiery arrows soar through the air, hitting the downed creature. It wriggles and shrieks until it collapses in on itself, turning to grey mush.

Hoping for just a glance at the Archery Goblin, I twist my head towards the building behind me. A boney grip around my ankle distracts me. I’m yanked from my deteriorating post and thrown back into the action. I bounce off the asphalt once, quickly regaining my footing and taking a fighting stance. “Okay, Archery Goblin, this is you and me,” I say under my breath. “We’ve got this.”

While I send Dragon Fists and Tengu fire balls into the oncoming barrage of whatever-the-honk-these-are, arrows rain down from the sky. It’s never more than one at a time, but they come quickly and mostly on fire. All hail the Archery Goblin!

These stank creatures take every one of my attacks like I’m nailing them with dodgeballs. They get thrown back but ultimately shake off the damage and race towards me again. They’re only turning to mush when the flaming arrows thunk into the holes in their skin. Whatever I’m throwing at them isn’t making the same impact.

I spot one of the creatures scaling a building to my left. As soon as I see another arrow fly from the rooftop, I abandon this endless stank nonsense, a chain sickle in hand. I spring into the air and throw the sickle. It wraps around it’s gaping mouth like a bridle. “Rein it in, buster! That’s my Archery Goblin!”

I whip the chain back, heaving the creature into its friends, knocking them down like bowling pins. I take a quick head count of the horse creatures as they climb over each other and shriek. 22.

Thunk! Fwoosh!

21. Wow, I need to step it up. The Archery Goblin is kicking more butt than I am. The problem is I have to do this manually. Droplets are a no go, and I can’t focus my thoughts long enough to reinitiate the Earth Attack spell.

I wish I had a good projectile like – wait, I do!

“Ninja Air Fist!” I rocket myself into the air, Tengu energy overtaking me. “Ninja Tengu Fire Rings!” With some good aim and a whole lot of luck, I nail every horse creature right in those color-shifting gashes on their backs. They explode into grey mush one by one and then altogether.

Back on the ground, I pump my fists a few times before sighing with relief. I don’t wanna do too much sighing though; if I catch a whiff of this mush, I’ll be smelling it in my dreams tonight. Now’s a good chance to get to the top of this building and try to see the –

I freeze. There’s movement in the mush. A light show emerges from it, the stanks holding onto their physical host. The colors blink and crisscross. They dance in a pattern and then sporadically.

The mush pulls back and rises in a solid wave. A horse creature’s skull molds into the tip of the wave, bigger than a car, smaller than the panic in my brain. It spots me, a mush hand shooting out from its form and snatching me up. I swing my sword but as soon as it makes a cut, the mush reforms itself, unharmed.

I can’t breathe. This thing’s squeezing me, probably until I snap in two. It also smells much worse than I remember.

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! Fwoosh!

Three arrows penetrate the head, each one on fire. Unfortunately, all they do is anger this abomination. It looks up to the rooftop and screeches, shattering every window in a mile radius.

The world before me blurs as I’m chucked down the street and into an abandoned car. The driver’s side door is completely caved in, and I’m in immense pain. My vision doubles for a moment but I’m able to see the mush creature quickly scaling the building. The Archery Goblin stands with a foot on the roof’s edge and fires one last flaming arrow. Then, bow in hand, it sprints to the rooftop door and disappears inside.

Only further annoyed, the mush presses on. It reaches the top, shooting an arm out at the roof door. The tin walls crunch as the fold inwards, caught in an inescapable grip.

“No!” Tengu energy encompasses me again, and I rocket straight for the mush. Once I hit its core, I explode with Tengu fire like a box of fireworks set off by a single match. As it splatters, I drop to the ground, cooling off and definitely reeking of rotting corpses caked in rotting beef and skunked sauerkraut. The stanks leak off the grey mush – which has decorated everything in the vicinity – twirling into the sky and retreating. This entire block is gonna suck to live on for the next week but I’ve got other priorities.

After leaping onto a lamppost to a couple of windowsills, I’m at the top of the apartment building. I make a mad dash to the rooftop door. It’s crushed like a soda can, the door splintered and falling from the hinges. I grab the knob, ripping the door open, and thankfully finding nothing. The last thing I wanted to see was a squished goblin in here.

Bzzzzt! Bzzzzbzzz! Bzt!

I turn back to the edge of the roof. A McFist drone lays on the ground, an arrow driven straight through the camera lens. The little propellers are spinning on and off without any rhythm.

Huh.

I guess that’s handled then. Now, I need about 16 showers and some hot chocolate.

Chapter Text

“Ugh, they almost had him!” Iris growls. She drops her binoculars, the strap around her neck catching them. Her eyes dart back to the static-filled screen in front of McFist’s desk. “And since when does the Ninja have a sidekick? We didn’t account for that!”

McFist rolls his eyes, tossing his self-branded binoculars to a nearby Robo-Ape. “Yeah, well, we didn’t account for the portals either. Welcome to the Ninja-destroying biz, kid.”

Iris huffs. “We just have to regroup. We strike down the sidekick, we strike down the Ninja.” She rubs her chin, her other hand in the pocket of her lab coat. It’s a muted hyacinth purple, the lower left-hand pocket decorated with a “W” overtop of a “V” – the Williams-Viceroy family monogram. A trans flag button and magenta button reading “Girl power!” decorate her left lapel. Her McIndustries intern ID card hangs next to them.

Viceroy looks on as he stands next to McFist’s chair, proud as could be. McFist leans back and whispers to him, “Does it have to be horses next time? I don’t mean to damper her whole thing but the horses aren’t…working.”

“I’ll see what I can do, sir, but she’s very determined.”

McFist crosses his arms, mumbling, “Not if I cut her funding,” under his mustache.

“I heard that,” Viceroy deadpans.

The gazillionaire hums a long, indifferent note. “Good,” he decides.

Iris wanders over to the big screen and rewinds the footage to a few seconds before the arrow destroyed the drone. A figure dressed in all black stares wide-eyed at the lens, bow and arrow seconds away from causing property damage. “Dad, Mr. McFist, do we know anything about the Ninja? Like on a personal level?”

While Viceroy grabs a McFist Tablet from an inner pocket in his lab coat, McFist attempts to answer her. “Hmm… Male, blue eyes… Annoying.” It isn’t helpful.

A profile takes up the big screen. A spooked front-facing picture of the Ninja accompanies several bullet points of information:

• Formerly based at Norrisville High
• Formerly scared of chickens
• Annoying
• Greedy tendencies
• Has a garage (???)
• Allergic to “McToughman’s Gentle Sucker Punch” cologne
• “Magic Snot”

Iris points to the second to last bullet point. “How do we know that?” she asks.

Two new rectangles appear overtop of the Ninja profile. One is a freeze frame of the Ninja from behind as he blasts Tengu Fire of Humanity at the raccoon stank beast. The other is a series of paragraphs detailing the context of the video. “The local history museum’s Ninja wing was submitted a close-up video of the Ninja in action with a detailed witness report,” Viceroy explains.

“Submitted by who?”

The scientist shrugs. “It was submitted anonymously, sweetie.”

McFist raises both his robot hand and his organic hand. “Wait a minute!” he interjects. “There’s a local history museum? And it has a Ninja wing?”

“Yes, Hannibal,” Viceroy sighs. “You need to get out more.”

McFist grumbles, arms crossed again, and sinks into his seat. “Well, maybe you should suggest it next time we hang out.”

Viceroy taps the tablet, starting the video on the screen before them. Having combed through it multiple times for an ounce of useful information, he pays it no mind as it plays. “When was the last time you went to a museum without Marci dragging you there?” he asks, fist on his hip.

“Don’t sass me. All you have to do is ask!”

“You wanna go to the local history museum after work?”

“Ew, no.”

Viceroy rolls his eyes. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

As the two bicker, Iris focuses on the video. It ends on a motion blurred frame. She tilts her head, reaching a hand to the screen and pulling back the progress bar. She does it again before declaring, “There’s footage missing.”

Going unheard, Iris rewinds the video for a third time. Three seconds before the blurred frames, the audio cuts completely. She turns to the adults, brows together. “Hello?”

Her stepfather is first to pull away from the bickering. “Yes, Iris?”

“This is cut.” She rewinds it once more, letting the video play out its final moments. “The audio is completely gone here. This isn’t the entire video. We’re missing something – five seconds, five minutes – something.”

Iris stares at the final frame. Although blurry, there seems to be a finger in the lower left corner. “We have to find out who submitted this,” she says firmly. “It may be someone the Ninja’s close to.”

Viceroy nods approvingly.

McFist scoffs. “The Ninja’s not close to anyone. He’s a jerk.” He waves his robot hand dismissively. “Besides, that doesn’t make any sense. Maybe the end of the video was corrupted or whatever.”

Iris shakes her head, the two braids framing her face shaking with it. “This is HD, close-up video of the Ninja. Raw footage like that is priceless; why would you cut that? Simple: the cameraperson wants their identity protected because they’re close to the Ninja.”

McFist shakes his head, now, expression not buying it.

“Maybe it’s a dead end, maybe it’s a lead. Either way, you can’t tell me this bozo has been on Earth for 800 years and hasn’t made a friend at some point.” Iris tugs at the hem of her indigo blouse before approaching McFist’s desk. She rests her hands on the edge of the black wood. “You have to look into this. You’d be a fool not to.”

McFist’s nose crinkles. “I’m not gonna look into it.”

“No duh, Mr. McFist. You’re a big wig CEO; you don’t do the leg work.”

“Hey, you can’t talk to me like that! I’m your superior.”

Iris takes on one of her stepfather’s famous annoyed, flat expressions. “You’re a buffoon, just like my daddy said.”

“Wha –” The gazillionaire twists to his cohort. “WHAT?!”

The head scientist grins not-so-slyly. He keeps his eyes on the McFist tablet, skimming an email from the lab. “She didn’t say which daddy, Hannibal.” He clears his throat and rounds the desk, placing a hand on his stepdaughter’s shoulder. “We better get down to the lab, honey. We have to go over the battle analytics. Those stank horses weren’t entirely stable, but that third phase was an intriguing development.”

"Really?” McFist says. He stands, office chair rolling back until it thumps against the big, triangular office window behind him. “You’re gonna say that and leave? Real classy, Viceroys.”

The father-daughter duo, already halfway across the room, only answer with a collective giggle. Despite that, McFist calls after them, “We still getting dinner later?”

Of course they were.

Chapter Text

I spend most of my Friday night snuggled up with Junpei. I’m totally spent from the week, and I currently smell like Cold-Caliente – a smell Junpei doesn’t even mention. Junpei’s reading something on his phone while I lay with my head on his chest. We’re chilling on his bed, which I think is still something both our parents would disprove of, but we’re both fully clothed, so eh.

Junpei rubs big, slow circles on my back. I’m so close to falling asleep right now.

“Oh, Ninja,” Junpei says suddenly, “what are you gonna be for Halloween?”

“Howard and I have something planned,” I answer sleepily. “Why?”

“I just realized we could’ve done a couple’s costume.”

“Little late for that, Junie-pie. Halloween’s tomorrow.”

I hear him plop his phone on his chest. His fingers wander from my back to my face, softly tracing my jaw. “Shush, I know that.” He sighs, and I think I can feel him staring at me. “You’ll probably wanna head home for a bit tomorrow after breakfast, by the way.”

I don’t open my eyes, my attention span fading in and out. “Mmm. Why?”

“Mom has some errands to run and one of them is a chiropractor appointment. It’s an all-day ordeal, and I’m driving.”

“You’re driving? How fancy of you.”

Junpei’s chest bounces as he laughs. “So, I’ll come by your guys’ neighborhood when we’re all ready to go. Okay?”

“M’kay.” I’m so content, so comfy.

I also have to pee which means I have to get up. Nooooooo…

After venturing to the bathroom, I get a detour courteous of the ancient book nestled in the pocket of my stolen cardigan. “What do you want?” I whisper at it.

It flashes its usual red some more and yanks me towards the staircase. Before I can even take it out of the pocket, the NinjaNomicon pulls me to the bottom step like a magnet. “Okay, okay!” Begrudgingly, I tiptoe upstairs. I’ve never considered what’s on the Kawakamis’ second floor before. I don’t know what the juice the Nomicon thinks is so important up here.

At the top of the steps, I spy four doors. Three of them are closed and one is open, light pouring out of it, illuminating the dark hallway. I’m not sure where to go until the Nomicon takes over again.

I’m dragged to the first door on the left. I’m almost slammed against it but I manage to stop myself on the doorframe. “Settle!” I hiss under my breath. I definitely shouldn’t be up here and this thing doesn’t care.

I carefully turn the doorknob and peek inside. When I find the light switch, I’m blown away. The walls, a multitude of tables, and even parts of the ceiling are filled with…Ninja memorabilia…which is mostly weapons.

After checking over my shoulder, I sneak inside. I guess since Dr. Kawakami is basically a Ninja expert, this makes sense.

I take out the Nomicon and give the black and red cover a hard stare. “What’s so important in here?” I whisper. It pulls me across the hardwood floor to the end of the room. I mind a series of framed ink drawings on a table before looking up at the wall. A pair of curved blades hang inside a boxy frame. They both look like two sharp boomerangs welded together where they intersect laying atop each other. The blades are black; the equally curved handles are wrapped with a red material.

Doodle words appear in my vision: “Ninja Deer Horn Knives;” “Yours!;” and “Take them!”

My eyes almost pop out my head. “I am not stealing from my boyfriend’s house! Are you crazy?!”

The book flashes in my hands, its musical sting louder than usual.

“Keep it down!” I look back up at the knives. These are Ninja weapons I clearly don’t have, but they’re not mine to take. “I’ll figure something out, alright? Don’t get your pages in a twist.”

I shove the book under my arm and my eyes fall on the picture frames before me. They’re mostly of the same guy. His expression is often stoic and his hair is always tied in a high ponytail. He almost looks…familiar.

A small voice in the back of my mind reminds me I’m intruding in a possibly off-limits room. I break myself from my trance and leave as quietly as I can. Lights off, door closed – done deal.

Outside the door, I hear someone cough. My attention turns to the open door. I think that was Dr. Kawakami. That must be her home office.

I tuck the Nomicon away, but I linger on the pink threads in my hand. I was bullied again today for wearing this.

…

“Dr. Kawakami, can I ask you something?” I ask in the open doorway. She’s sitting at a desk pushed against the left wall. She’s wearing red lounge pants and a red and pink tie-dye t-shirt, and her hair is up in a bun.

Dr. Kawakami looks at me, a little startled, a pair of reading glasses on the bridge of her nose. She lays down a series of papers and a highlighter. “Sure thing, sweetie. What’s up?”

“Um…” I take slow steps into the room, trying not to fold in on myself. “Do you just know about magic stuff or do you know…other stuff about Norrisville?”

Hanging her glasses from her shirt collar, Dr. Kawakami nods. “Magic is my specialty, but I like to think my knowledge is pretty expansive.” She chuckles before noticing my face or my demeanor or whatever. Her smile gentle, she asks, “Anything in particular on your mind?”

“Well, uh, I was wondering if you knew what the social climate was for…for people like us.” I keep my eyes on the round rug on the floor.

“Oh.” She pauses. “Right now, things are a little here and there. It depends on what part of Norrisville you’re in. Overall, I’d say the attitude towards us is usually neutral to positive.

“That isn’t to say there aren’t hateful souls amongst the nicer parts of the city. Let me tell you, Randy, you don’t want to be in the business district on a weekday afternoon.” Dr. Kawakami shakes her head. “But I can also tell you the reason Norrisville is one of the few cities in this country that upholds same-sex marriage is thanks to a couple of trans lesbians from the 50s. Our first female mayor, Christine Eden, went completely under the radar as an LGBT individual. It was the 50s; it was so easy to disappear from the public eye and come back as someone else.

“Anyway, after Christine and her running mate – her roommate, Marsha Cox – won the election as mayor and deputy mayor, they did some muddling in the local laws and bylaws. Every piece of legislature they passed had a rider, an amendment to a law or a new law attached to a bill, that mended some piece of anti-LGBT garbage.

“Together, they decriminalized same-sex intimacy, the public display of same-sex affection, any behavior or dressing that was deemed indecent purely for stepping outside of heteronormative boundaries – the whole nine yards.

“Dare I say, their greatest achievement was when they legalized same-sex marriage in 1969 and had a very public wedding on the city hall steps. Every single rider they’d ever slipped into local legislature went largely unnoticed, but a lesbian wedding?” She laughs and leans back in her computer chair, her eyes warm and reminiscent. “The only reason the place wasn’t burned to the ground was because of the Ninja. He took a stand and refused to budge on every front. If the Ninja supported this city’s greatest power couple, the least the public could do was tolerate it.”

The Ninja of ‘69…

“What’s got you so interested something like that?” Dr. Kawakami asks.

The bottom hems of Junpei’s cardigan distract me somewhat. I swallow. “I’m being bullied at school for…looking like this.” I study my nails briefly. Junpei painted them a dark purple last weekend. It’s a “shimmer,” I think he said. They’re all scratched up and chipped now, though. He’ll probably redo them on Sunday.

“Randy, honey.” She stands and draws me into a hug. I accept it gratefully.

“It’s not a lot,” I say, “but it’s enough.” I let a tear escape, but I’m not looking to make this into a blubber fest. “The only person who knows is my best friend. Some of it’s kinda been directed at him since he’s been painting his nails, too.”

“Do you want me to talk to your parents?”

I considerate it for a moment. “No, I’ve been okay so far.”

Dr. Kawakami replaces the space between us, her hands cupping my face. “It’s better to nip it in the bud before it gets any worse. You don’t have to let it get worse.”

“No, ma’am, it’s okay. Really.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod and she pulls me back in for another squeeze. “Alright,” she sighs. “If you ever want me to say something, let me know. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Of course.” She pecks the top of my head before letting me go. “Now, you better get back downstairs. I bet someone’s looking for you.”

When I get to the bottom of the steps, Junpei’s right there, just like she said. “There you are, Koyo. You get lost on your way to bathroom?”

I throw an arm around his shoulders. “Nah, I wanted to talk to your mom for a minute. I had some local history questions.”

“Can we go back to snuggling now? I wanna lay on you, now.”

We head back to his room. “Only if you promise not to tickle me this time.”

“I can’t promise anything!” he laughs.

Chapter Text

Howard and I sit patiently on my porch, waiting for Junpei to arrive. Howard maybe isn’t being as patient as I am, though. “If your dorky little boyfriend doesn’t hurry it the honk up, we’re gonna miss all the good candy from all the good houses!”

“I texted him three minutes ago. Chill.”

“How do I 'chill' when there are full-sized candy bars and limited edition Halloween McSquiddles at stake? Riddle me that, Cunningham!” Howard declares. I have no idea how this man’s ever sat through the wait at the DMV.

He groans, taking the blue shield off his arm and lays on the porch, shield over his face. It bears a single silver star at its center, a series of swirls stretching out from it until it reaches the silver edges.

We’re dressed as two of the main characters from our gay rock show. He’s the main character, the son of Star Blue Quartz – Stephen Universe. I’m his best friend, Bonnie Maheswaren. I’m wearing the outfit from season two, episode six where she trains to be swordsman. That means a dark blue jumpsuit thingy with an aqua sash around my waist. I’m also equipped with appropriate bandaging and a saber.

Howard’s basically just wearing a blue shirt with blue flip-flops. He made the shield himself, though, and it’s practically perfect in every way.

He groans loudly before sighing. “What if we just go without him?” he suggests.

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“Fair.”

My phone rings, and I answer it quickly. “Hey, Junie, everything okay?”

“No. I can’t come. Mom hurt her back and she won’t go to the hospital. I have to stay here and help take care of her.” I hear some background noise, but I’m not sure what he’s doing. “I don’t think anything’s gonna change, so you two go without me.”

My heart breaks a little. “Oh, alright. I hope she feels better soon.”

“I hope she stops being so stubborn,” Junpei mutters. “I’ll see you sometime next week, okay? Take some pictures of your costumes. I wanna see what I missed out on.”

We say our goodbyes, and I can’t help the inexplicable disappointment that rests on my shoulders. It has me thinking, though…

Howard uncovers his face and sits up. “Welp, that settles that. Let’s get going.” He stands, replacing his shield and picking up his candy bag.

He takes a couple of steps along our walkway before he stops. He sighs and turns to me. “You coming or what?”

I stand, letting my prop lean against the porch railing. “Give me twenty minutes.”

“Nooo, Cunningham! Seriously?!”

“Twenty minutes,” I repeat. “I’m just gonna reread the Ninja Art of Heal and I’ll get us Junpei.”

Howard reproaches the porch, dropping his shield and bag on the porch swing. “I’m gonna eat the rest of your mini pizza bagels.”

“Alright.” What’s fair is fair…I guess?

So, I definitely should’ve read the Ninja Art of Heal scroll all the way through the first time but I digress. The point is, I am fully equipped to heal Mrs. Kawakami. I imagine if Junpei knew I was the Ninja, this would earn me brownie points big time.

I’m in no way doing this for brownie points – parental or boyfriend-al – of course. Healing is something I’m fully capable of, so why not do it for my loved ones? I’d do this for Howard in a heartbeat.

Atop the roof of the Kawakamis’ house, I take a peek in several windows until I find Mrs. and Dr. Kawakami’s bedroom. Dr. Kawakami sits on the bed next to her wife, holding her hand and saying any and everything she can to convince her to go to the hospital. Mrs. Kawakami’s face is twisted in pain, sweat gleaming on her skin. No matter what’s said, she shakes her head.

Junpei comes in the room holding a tray with a hot water bottle and a bottle of some kind of medication. He’s wearing his costume minus the mask; he must’ve been ready to go right when this happened. I think he’s the Ninja but all the red bits are rainbow.

I knock on the window and wave. Junpei almost drops the tray when he sees me. He sets it down on the bedside table and rushes to open the window and its screen. “Ninja, what are you doing here?” he asks as I climb inside.

“I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I heard someone in distress.” I look onto Mrs. Kawakami, flat on her back and in pure agony. “I can heal you, if you’d like,” I offer.

The couple says, “Please,” in unison, although Mrs. Kawakami’s voice is strained.

I nod and walk next to her. I take a breath. “This might feel weird but just relax and let it resonate throughout everything that’s painful. You’re in good hands,” I say softly.

Mrs. Kawakami doesn’t say anything, but her wife nods to me.

I go through the motions, invoking the powers vested in me and channeling the energies of the universe…or something. I know what I’m doing but cheese, I do not remember what that scroll said in all its intricacies. The Ninja Art of Heal is second nature to me anymore, but I wanted to make sure I didn’t mess it up. We’re talking about one of my boyfriend’s parents here.

The red light shining from my hands dwindles. I’m relieved when I see the peaceful smile on Mrs. Kawakami’s face. Her wife brushes some curls off her forehead. “How do you feel, Deja?” she asks tentatively.

Mrs. Kawakami’s eyes open slowly, her smile only growing wider. “Like a new woman,” she drawls, “and like I could take a nap.” As she sits up, her wife keeps their hands intertwined over her chest. Dr. Kawakami only lets go after they share a soft kiss.

Her eyes glassy, Dr. Kawakami pours her heart out to me, thanking me in every way she can. She ends it by saying, “If there’s anything we can do to repay you – anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

I scratch the back of my head. “Actually…”

While Mrs. Kawakami makes a phone call to both the chiropractor she saw today and the, and I quote, “wackadoo, shoob-faced pediatrician” that recommended said chiropractor, her wife leads me to the Ninja memorabilia room.

The light flicks on, and I don’t have to pretend to be amazed by everything a second time. Walking into this room is a punch to the face. You wouldn’t think this dark room would be filled with blades and old Ninja merch. There are even some framed bits of the scarf and news articles now that I’m really looking in here.

“These deer horn knives have been in our family for generations,” Dr. Kawakami explains. “The story my great-great ojiisan told me was passed on from his great-great ojiisan and so forth. Legend has it, these were abandoned in the old community well after you changed your physical form for the first time during the 13^th century.” She carefully opens the boxy frame on the wall and lifts down the knives. Once they’re in my hands, she laughs, “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. You’re the Ninja!”

I marvel at each knife. These things are a little bigger than my head! They’ve got a great weight and hand-feel, though. Swinging these things around are gonna be so bruce!

“Maybe,” she says, a twinkle in her eye, “you could tell me how you lost these?”

I blank immediately.

Junpei snickers from the doorway. “Mama, I don’t know if he has time for that. The Ninja has a lot of responsibilities, y’know.”

Slipping the deer horn knives into the back of the Ninja scarf, I cough. “Uh, yeah. I gotta go. I’m so sorry I don’t have more time to…chat.”

“Oh, no! Of course, of course!” Dr. Kawakami tries to usher me downstairs, but I insist I’ll just leave the way I came in. I dip in and out of windows all the time – no big deal.

However, the moment I try to lift my right leg up to the window, my knee twinges hard. It brings me to the floor and it doesn’t stop. One hand on the windowsill, I press my forehead against the wall, teeth clenched. I bang on the wall with a tight fist.

Both of Junpei’s moms are downstairs, so it’s just me and him up here now. He grabs my shoulder and forces me to sit with my back against the wall. He presses the hot water bottle against my knee, the red silicone material bending against me. “How’s that?”

The relief is almost instant. My head tilted back, I muster, “Good. Thank you.”

Junpei sits on the floor across from me, his back against a blanket chest at the foot of his parents’ bed. “Can’t you heal that?” he asks.

“No, it’s uh, an old battle wound. It’s ingrained into my person. I can’t heal stuff like that.” I take a breath through my teeth.

“What do you mean?”

I search my brain for an explanation that makes sense. “I can’t heal old injuries that’ve healed and become part of someone. Like, uh, I can’t heal McFist’s lost arm.”

Junpei hums a note. “Could you heal a disability someone was born with?”

“No. That’s something ingrained into a person. As long as it’s something fresh, I can heal it.” My knee’s starting to really loosen. I wonder if we have one of these at home.

He folds his hands under his chin, his head tilted slightly. “If you had to heal a trans person, would that undo any medical procedures?”

“No. I can’t heal stuff done to the body on purpose – like, cosmetically or medically speaking.” I blink a few times. “You’re not writing this down, are you?”

Junpei laughs, showing me his empty hands. “No, I was just curious.”

I flutter a hand somewhere between a “go on” motion and an “hang on” motion. “Why’d you ask if I could heal disabilities?”

“My boyfriend has arthritis and it bothers him a lot, so,” he shrugs, “I was just wondering.”

Is…is arthritis a disability? Should I…know that?

When I’m good enough to stand, Junpei leads me downstairs and to the front door. Luckily, his moms seem to have gravitated to their back patio or something. In the meantime, Junpei takes the time to poke fun at me: “Maybe you should try a door every once in a while, Ninja.”

“Yeah, well.” I squeeze my knee and then bend it a few times. “I find dramatic flair pretty important to my whole thing.” I do a deep lunge to stretch things out more. I can’t tell if this is helping.

“Y’know, maybe you should invest in a Ninja knee brace,” Junpei suggests. He’s sitting on the edge of the cement pot by the doors. “It might help.”

“A Ninja knee brace, huh?” As I stand straight, a red light shines beneath me. A new snugness around my right knee, I look down. There’s a brand new Ninja red knee brace on my leg. “Didn’t know it did that,” I say quietly to myself.

Seeing this as a new potential conversation starter, I take the opportunity to leave. I grab a smoke bomb and get ready to throw it. I pause long enough to shoot Junpei a finger gun and a compliment on his costume. “Smoke bomb!”

Chapter Text

Another day, another robot.

I must’ve really honked up the Dragon last time. Who knows when I’ll see that dude again. If he suddenly realized he couldn’t win against the great and powerful (and very humble) Norrisville Ninja and hung up his wings, that’d be so bruce. Seeing as he wants me pretty dead, though, I doubt it.

I have to make a “to do” list or something. I’m really behind on Ninja stuff. I need the Raijū energy back, and I have to get more Droplets of Humanity. I also have to keep learning about the nine realms and whatever “great danger” awaits me.

After this battle, I’m gonna find another portal to the Realm of Light and gather some more Droplets. Unless I can get there via Ninja Snot Ball? That’d make my life easier.

Before me stands a fencing bot equipped with sword-swords, not fencing swords. Its limbs are like twigs, and it’s crazy flexible and fast. It’s even dodging the Archery Goblin’s arrows.

Every shot is aimed at its head – smooth metal curved from the top of its head down like a fencing mask-thing. It’s the only real target for that and yet the bot swivels and spins out of harm’s way every time.

A couple of arrows come quicker than usual. I think this thing’s cheesing off the Archery Goblin.

The fencer bot turns its head towards the arrows’ direction, noodle arm raised. Its sword rockets out of its hand, nailing the building’s brickwork, taking a considerable chunk out of the wall.

“Hey! I’m over here, you glorified toothpick!” I shout.

McFist knows about the Archery Goblin…

The bot’s head twists towards me, a new sword popping out of its empty hand like toast from a toaster. That doesn’t make sense considering how this thing’s built but I’m no robot-ologist.

It heaves a sword over its head and slams it down in my direction. I counter it, pushing back hard with my own sword. I’ve already tossed some exploding Ninja balls its way and nothing. Either decapitation or a trip to the Realm of Nothingness is probably key here.

Thunk! Zzzzt!

Or the Archery Goblin can win the entire fight – that’s fine.

An arrow driven in ear to ear, the fencer bot’s head twitches and the pressure on its sword lets up. It falls to the ground with a clunk!

The black circle in the center of the head glitches, several blocky colors overtaking it like it’s caught some kinda malware. Each pixel suddenly flashes in unison, shining bright red. It throws a sword in the air and –

CLANG! CLINK! CLANK!

CLANK! CLANG! CLANG!

It’s relentless now, swinging wildly and endlessly. It’s one strike after another, and I have to meet each one.

CLANG! CLANK!

SHHK!

I redirect one of its attacks to the ground and smoke bomb behind it. This looks like a job for some deer horn knives. I’m not sure if the curved blade bit or exposed blade tips are best for fighting but I’m about to find out.

Knives out, I go right back to fighting the bot’s swords. One swings down and I catch it with both weapons. The other sword soars towards my side but I sacrifice one knife to avoid becoming a human cross-section.

I slide the top knife until the bot’s sword is caught in the corner of the main blade and one of the protruding tips. I heave it down until the swords clash into each other and send a high kick into the robot’s head. Its screen face shatters, the red pixels snapping to black. Regardless, the head lulls back up, sparks and exposed microchips staring back at me.

The swords lift from the ground, coming back at my side. I leap and come down on them with both heels – snapping them in half. The bot doesn’t notice the damage I’ve done as it continues to lunge and swing at me.

“This is getting ridiculous,” I say to myself. I throw a barrage of Ninja rings into the thing’s body. They get lodged, they slice and sever – and yet, the bot pushes forward. “I’m ending this.”

I let the bot slam its busted weapons my way one last time, taking the opportunity to slide between its legs. Deer horn knives still handy, I sweep the fencing bot clean off its feet, severing its legs from its feet. It collapses only to push itself onto the broken sword tips and creep towards me.

Ninja snot ball on the ground, I summon a portal to the Realm of Nothingness. I should’ve just done this from the start.

Thunk!

Brow furrowed, I crane my neck to the sky.

Thunk! Thunk!

The Archery Goblin’s firing arrows at a water tower. Water trickles from the damage before the material gives in and a column of water rains down on the fencer bot. It sparks, smoke pouring out of every exposed crevice and yet, somehow, it presses forward.

I stand, guard down and confused. McFist bots are never this persistent.

Wobbly and twitching sporadically, the fencer bot takes its final steps before being swallowed by the portal. I peer in as it falls victim to whatever the honk’s in there. It’s still moving. Schnasty.

I blink and remind myself of my priorities. I replace the deer horn knives in the scarf and race to the Archery Goblin’s perch. This time, it’s the fourth floor of a mildly fancy restaurant. By the looks of the sketchy looking flooring and the yellow caution tape strewn about, this floor and its balcony’s off limits to customers.

Behind the plastic tarps hanging from the ceiling, I spot the Archery Goblin making its get away. It escapes down a stairwell, light flooding the corner it’s in. My eyes widen. The Archery Goblin’s gonna run through three floors of civilians before it gets away. Maybe this is a good time to subdue it before it does something stupid.

“Hey!” I bound through the room, pushing past plastic and tripping over abandoned tools. By the time I get to the third floor, the goblin’s on the steps to the second floor. After twirling around the wait staff and sliding down the railing, I spot my estranged ally in the middle of the room. Its back is to me, and it’s still in full flight mode.

With a couple of flips, I’m right behind it. However, as soon as I’m able to grab the bow slung over its shoulder, everything goes dark. A plate of spaghetti flops off my face, the restaurant patrons around me reaching for their phones. Whhhyyy?

This smells fantastic, actually. I should take Junpei here on our next date.

I wipe the marinara sauce from my face and puruse the Archery Goblin again. Two steps onto the first floor, I get a face full of something else. “AH! HOT SOUP!”

I pause, sputtering out broth. “This is lukewarm.” I grab the bowl from the ground and toss it back to the table it came from. “Send that back to the kitchen!”

Soggy, I realize the Archery Goblin is gone. Even when I manage to get out the front door, it’s nowhere in sight. Bruce.

Well, at least I found a nice date spot. I make sure to text Junpei about it before I forget.

It turns out I can, in fact, just waltz into the Realm of Light via Ninja Magic Snot Ball. It also turns out that restaurant makes its own spaghetti sauce and it has a distinct smell. When Howard gets within three feet of me, his eyes widen and he points at me. “Did you go to D’Onofrio’s Giardino without me?!” he accuses.

“Not really. I chased the Archery Goblin through the place and it threw food at me.”

Hands on my coffee table, Howard leans towards me menacingly. “And you didn’t bring me a doggie bag?”

“Of someone else’s food? No. Dude, chill.” I slide the NinjaNomicon across the table. Victoriously, I say, “But listen, I know how to get the Raijū energy back.”

Howard rolls his eyes and falls back in the beanbag chair he’s pulled up. “Do I have to help?”

“I’d like you to…spot me.”

My best friend furrows his brows. “The juice does that mean, Cunningham?”

“Weeell –”

“Cunningham.”

I spill the beans. It turns out I have to wait for it to storm and climb the tallest thing I can. If I call out into the raging black clouds, the Raijū should show itself and I can talk to it.

“You’re gonna talk to a dragon?! A lightning dragon?!” Howard asks, an arm on the table, his other propped up on his thigh. “Are you out of your honking mind?!”

I shrug. “It’s what I have to do. It worked with Hanako.”

“Hanako. Was. A. Fish.”

“The Raijū isn’t gonna eat me, Howard,” I reassure him. I pull my legs up onto the purple cushions of my sofa and crisscross them. “I’ll ask for its help and make it an offering. Hot dogs or something – I dunno. Whatever dragons eat.”

“Dragons eat people!” Howard exclaims.

I wave him off. “It didn’t eat First Ninja. I’ll be fine.”

He shoves his face into his hands and groans. Sighing, he shakes the entire conversation off. Eyes back on me, he repeats, “And you want me to ‘spot you’?”

“Yeah. Wherever we go, I’ll climb the tall thing and you sit in safety.”

“I like it, I like it.”

“If the Raijū rejects me and strikes me down,” I go on, “I need you to come make sure I’m not dead.”

“I don’t like it, I don’t like it…but I won’t leave ya hanging.” Howard leans back in his seat and crosses his arms. His eyes search my ceiling thoughtfully. A mischievous grin grows on his face before he says, “I kinda hope it eats you.”

“I hope it eats me and then you.”

“It’ll have to. Your meat to bone ratio is zilch.”

Chapter Text

When I texted Junpei about our potential date, he unfortunately countered with having to go to a family thing on Friday night. We’re able to meet up Saturday, though, and I get us a reservation at D’Onofrio’s Giardino. Yeah, it’s that kind of mildly fancy.

D’Onofrio’s Giardino is nothing compared to that place I went on that date with Iris, but it’s nice. The tables have decent tablecloths with these cute, tiny bouquets in the middle, and the walls are decorated with this old timey yellow wallpaper and framed floral paintings. It’ll definitely be nice to sit down and eat instead of being pummeled with food in a Ninja foot chase.

When I roll up on my bike, Junpei’s sitting on a bench under the building’s striped awning. He’s wearing a brown and orange sweater vest overtop an off-white button up, the sleeves folded to his elbows. His crutches lean against the knees of his black jeans.

“Hey, Junie-pie!”

He turns to me but something’s off. “Hey, Koyo! That’s such a cute shirt!”

I’m wearing a navy blue button up covered in little flowers and vines, but I’m not horribly worried about it right now. As I lock up my bike, though, I try to keep the conversation going. “My shirt’s cute? Look at you!”

He chuckles half-heartedly. “Sweater weather is upon us.”

Junpei stands as we meet for a hug and a smooch. Then I pull him back into another hug. “Are you okay?” I ask softly.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You look uncomfortable.”

Junpei pulls away a bit, his hands lingering on my waist. “I mean,” he shrugs, “I am a little.”

I tilt my head. “What’s wrong?”

He goes to say something else but stops himself. He picks up his crutches, his eyes downcast. “This is…embarrassing – especially for a date.”

“What? No way.”

“I don’t know – I don’t usually go out without my prosthetic.”

I shake my head. “That’s okay. You’re still drop dead gorgeous.”

That gets a genuine laugh out of him. “That’s not the point.”        

“That’s my point!” I cup his face and connect our foreheads. “You’re okay.”

Junpei sighs. “I know. I was just worried you’d be embarrassed, and I’m already embarrassed. It feels like I’m naked, and everyone’ll be looking at me.”

“Psh, everyone will be looking but only ‘cause they’ll be so jealous of how bruce we look together. We’re a natural born power couple, baby!”

My boyfriend’s eyes crinkle as he laughs and it’s the cutest thing!

“And the only person who can embarrass me is Howard…and my mom, sometimes.” I gasp and separate our connection without warning. I grab my wallet and pull out a golden card. “Speaking of Howard, you won’t believe who loaned me his D’Onofrio’s loyalty card! Ten percent off and free desert!”

While we wait for a server to lead us to a table somewhere, I do ask about where Junpei’s prosthetic is. I don’t word it like that, of course.

“It…broke?” he answers.

“Why was that a question?” I laugh.

“Well…” Junpei gets his phone out and pulls up a picture. His prosthetic sits on the coffee table in his living room. The metal pole is bent in half at a 90˚ angle, the socket now parallel to the foot. The next picture is a close up of the break in the metal. It’s not really broken, per say; it looks like a blowtorch was taken to it. It’s even singed around the edges.

I’m dumbfounded.

“We went swimming at an indoor pool for my cousin’s birthday yesterday, and I left my prosthetic in the locker room,” Junpei explains. He tucks his phone away. “When we finished and I went back for it, I put it on like normal, took a step and bam – it’s busted.

“The worst part is, our insurance might not cover the expenses for a new one. The break in the pylon looks intentional, and they’re not buying that someone may’ve tampered with it. They think we did it. We filed a police report, but there’s zero evidence, so that doesn’t help.”

My brows knit together. That was definitely sabotaged. “How much does a new one cost?” I ask.

“For the one I have, about fifteen grand.”

“What?!”

“Yeah. Walking’s expensive if you didn’t get it for free.”

My Ninja, I didn’t think something like that would be so pricey! Why would anyone charge an arm and a leg for a literal leg? That’s wonk!

What’s worse is I’m pretty sure Seth did this. I don’t know how he would’ve tracked Junpei down for something like that but who else would’ve done this? It’s a weird petty thing he’d totally do. He could’ve done worse, though, considering the Snow-klahoma incident. I’m weirdly thankful he didn’t take it that far this time.

That out of the way, dinner goes smoothly: the seating is nice, the food is good – the whole shebang. Then we walk outside and the bike rack is empty. Whhhhyyyy?

“They even took the bike lock! Ugh!” I kick the metal rack and prop my hands on my hips. A new horror lands on me. “No, now I have to ride Heidi’s old bike to school!”

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Junpei tries. “At least you still have a bike to use until yours probably turns up.”

“When Heidi was 14, she spray-painted her bike neon pink and glued two buckets of glitter to it. It leaves a trail of glitter behind it – even after 3 years. It’s an environmental nightmare.”

“Oh, wow.”

“And ‘Boy Crazy’ is written in the glitter, Junie.”

Junpei snickers beside me. “Well…it’s true!”

Squinting, I slowly pivot my head towards him. He’s lucky he’s cute.

Chapter Text

I spend the weekend at Junpei’s. We hold hands and snuggle and kiss. Saturday night, we actually have a pretty lengthy make-out session. It’s longer than usual but you know, hormones or whatever. The important thing is that every smooch and peck is gentle and warm.

When the dopamine or what-have-you tops off in Junpei’s beautiful brain, he puts a pause on things. “Hey,” he says running a finger down my nose.

“Hey,” I say right back.

“Why don’t you go get us a snack?”

I shrug. “I’m comfy.” Junpei’s sitting between my legs, his own on either side of me. His wrists lay on my shoulders, and my hands rest on his lower back.

Junpei giggles. “Mama just bought more of those Kobe steak chips.”

“Then get off me!” As I scooch backwards, I grab the tops of his calves and scrunch his legs back towards him. He falls back on his small green sofa, laughing the entire way. I stop as I cross the threshold of his room, making sure to ask, “Do you want anything to drink?”

“Some water would be nice.” He doesn’t try to sit up, an arm folded behind his head.

And off I go. I pass Mrs. Kawakami on my way there. She looks a lot more worried than I’d expect someone carrying two glasses of red wine to look. She offers me a smile that wilts before we pass each other. Her footsteps even sound gloomy as she heads upstairs.

Come to think of it, both Mrs. and Dr. Kawakami have been pretty down the entire night. When I get to the kitchen, I think I see why. Junpei’s busted prosthetic sits dejectedly in a shoebox on the counter. I don’t know what the Kawakamis’ financial situation is, but maybe they can’t afford a new one without any insurance coverage.

It has me thinking…but don’t you dare – not even for a second – think I do anything about this. I definitely don’t Ninja up and Ninja Art of Heal it. I would never. That would be borderline abuse of my powers. I can’t just go around healing whomever and whatever I want.

Although, it’s pretty debatable that this aligns with the Ninja’s values seeing as I’m helping those in need.

It’s also pretty debatable that I’m not being fair to the rest of the people in Norrisville because I’m cherry-picking who I want to help and when I do it. That would be considered selfish…you know, if that was a thing I was doing. But I’m totally, definitely not. No, no, no.

Even if you wanted to say it’s selfish, it’s also reasonable to say I’m just one guy and I’m a kid. Not that you’d say it’s selfish because we’re talking strictly in hypotheticals here.

After definitely not healing Junpei’s prosthetic – because why the juice would I do that? – I gather a bowl of chips and two glasses of water. I am absolutely not giddy on my way back to Junpei’s room, and I totally don’t have to hide it once I come back. Even if I did, Junpei would buy it like a candy bar.

Hypothetically.

“Hitomi! Hitomi, you won’t believe this!” Mrs. Kawakami’s voice rings out an hour later. She runs up the steps, probably skipping some.

“We do have a bottle of rosé?” Dr. Kawakami answers, her tone much less enthused. “Mama wants rosé.”

Junpei and I look up from the homework he somehow convinced me to do. “What do you think that’s all about?”

“Something, something – wine?” I shake my head. We’ve been doing math for the last twenty minutes and luckily, our schools use the same math books. “What’d you get for the c-part of number 23? I got 42.”

“How’d you get 42?”

“Math?”

“No, give me your notebook.” He skims my handiwork, and he flips to my previous page. His brows knit together until he says, “You copied down the quadratic formula wrong.”

I groan and drop my pencil on the table. “Algebra is stupid. When will I ever need this?”

“For your gen ed. college math courses,” Junpei says flatly.

“Bold of you to assume I’m gonna make it to college.”

Before Junpei can scold me for my lack of self-confidence, his parents clamber down the hallway. They’re fumbling over each other and bickering like, well, a married couple. Mrs. Kawakami appears in the doorway first. “Junpei, Randy –!”

Her wife shoves her out of the way, completely stealing her thunder. “We’ve been struck by another Ninja miracle!” she blurts out, holding Junpei’s prosthetic by the unbroken pylon.

She means that hypothetically. For sure.

Junpei gasps, stretching his hand out to see for himself.

Before Dr. Kawakami can make the trek over to us, Mrs. Kawakami squeezes her wife’s side and takes the opportunity to reclaim the prosthetic. “That little supernatural weirdo snuck in and fixed it!”

Once Junpei has it in his hands, Dr. Kawakami cuts back in verbally. She wraps her arms around her wife’s waist and rests her chin on her shoulder. “It’s the only explanation, but the only question is why?”

“Pft, who cares why!”

Junpei’s eyes fill with tears. I’m so glad this is something I can do.

Hypothetically.

Chapter Text

Our bro-trio time is interrupted by yet another robot – what a surprise. Howard pulled Junpei somewhere to safety, and now I’m dipping and dodging a centipede bot with waaaaay too many legs. I know it’s a robot but it’s so schnasty! Imagine this thing crawling across your floor – bleh! – but you don’t wanna squish it because who the honk knows what’s inside that thing! Barftown, USA!

“Ew! No!” I deflect its schnasty limbs with my sword. I’d use the deer horn knives again but the Ninja needs his personal space. “No touch! Ew, ew!”

It doesn’t help that my arthritis is going nuts today. The Ninja knee brace isn’t helping the aching pain in my ankle or my wrist. It must be from the colder weather.

“Ninja Upper Hand!” I slice clean through the middle of the bot’s squirmy body. It’s as long as a city bus and as wide as a queen mattress, and I hate it. As inside wires and mechanical bits sprout and reconnect with each other through the slice, my hatred and disgust grows immensely.

The McIndustries’ Ninja-murdering robot department has really stepped up their game. They need a raise and then they need to be fired.

Let’s try this again. Two swords in hand, I make some diagonal slashes and then I dish out a – “Ninja Air Fist!” The robot chunks go flying, hundreds of feet separating them. I pump my arms victoriously before catching wires shoot out from each chunk, pulling them back together like some demented jigsaw puzzle. As they reconnect, chunk by chunk, the legs come back to life, gunning it for me before the whole thing’s done.

“Schnasty!”

I lurch forward, pull back, and punch, sending a fiery Dragon Fist its way. It crashes into the centipede’s head as it scuttles along, decimating at least half of it. That doesn’t stop it, though. As the busted metal twists to construct a new head, the rest of the body snakes itself onto the nearby buildings, never pausing as it races onwards.

After sprinting to meet it in the middle, I throw the Ninja scarf and yank it back onto the road. On the ground, it rears up and starts gathering the scarf like a ball of yarn, drawing me closer to it. Heels dug into the asphalt, I struggle to stand my ground. The arthritis flare-up in my ankle and wrist aren’t doing me any favors.

“C’mon, not today,” I grumble. I let go of the scarf with my left hand for a second and I get yanked into the centipede’s gross, gross spindly legs. It moves me up its body, passing me along itself like I’m crowd surfing, and looks me in the eye with hollow, black lenses. The face plate separates down the center, a familiar antenna slowly whirring out of it.

No, no, no!

I slam my head into it but all it does is give me a headache.

Thunk!

Better late than never. An arrow penetrates the centipede’s right – which is my left? – lens. It disrupts the bot long enough to loosen its grip on me. I cut the scarf with a dagger and backflip off of the bot’s body.

I summon the Dragon sword and ignite it with Tengu fire. I get ready to spring into the air but I falter, my left ankle twinging, making my toes curl painfully. Hastily, I switch to my other leg to leap with and jump, sword – FUCK!

I’m crumbled on the ground.

Hot, searing pain sticks in my shoulder, quickly spreading across my back and slowly leaking onto my chest. Struggling to catch my breath, my mind scrambles. I reach back to my left shoulder, quickly finding a thin, solid shaft protruding from it, an arrowhead dug deep into my flesh.

Incoherent, pained noises escape my mouth. It’s all I can do.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

The Archery Goblin fucking shot me.

Even the centipede bot seems put off by this. It’s legs tictictic backwards and it doesn’t make a move. It just stands there and watches me wither in pain.

I grab the arrow’s shaft and try to yank it out but I can’t. It’s the wrong angle. It’s in too deep. I’m shaking too much to put in a real effort. It fucking burns.

Thunk! Thunk!

I tilt my head up enough to see more arrows nailing the centipede bot.

Thunk! Thunk! Fwoosh!

The robot twists and squirms, a fire coming to life atop its head.

Thunk! Thunk!

Fwoosh! Fwoosh!

More fire arrows pierce its metal, forcing it to collapse like a dead tree and subsequently curling into itself until it stops moving completely.

I grab my phone and activate a voice command: “Call Howard.”

Howard meets me in an alley by a dumpster. I’m on the ground on my knees, trying not to barf from the pain. “Oh, dude!” he exclaims.

“Pull it out. I don’t care what you have to do. Just fucking pull it out.”

The second Howard even skims the arrow’s shaft, I recoil. “You’re gonna have to sit still, man.” The stress in his voice matches the stress in my brain.

“I-I know. Just – I – fuck.” I lift up the Ninja mask and shove as much of the scarf in my mouth as I can. Then I give Howard the go-ahead to go for it. He grabs the arrow and tries to pull it out with one hand. It doesn’t budge, but it brings tears to my eyes.

“It’s really in there,” Howard says under his breath. He switches to a soft tone, worry dripping from it like a drenched towel. “Okay, brace yourself and remember that I love you. Got that?”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I nod frantically.

Both hands on the arrow and a foot on my back, Howard pulls and pulls. He stops, takes a breath, and – SHLERK!

My vision goes black for a second but nothing I do can stop me from screaming into the scarf in my mouth. I rock and pound on the ground, my breathing heavy and sporadic. I just need a second – just a second, and I can heal the wound.

“Okay, okay. That’s a lot of blood. Okay.” Howard puts a hand on my unharmed shoulder. “Take it easy, bud.”

I spit out the scarf. My mind races to anything that isn’t this. “Wh-where’s Junpei?” I muster.

“I don’t know. I grabbed his wrist when we ran off, but I tripped and then he was gone.”

With a hissing breath, I say, “Find him.”

Howard’s hand leaves my person and says, “Yeah, yeah, sure. I’ll check the app.”

While he does that, I activate the Ninja Art of Heal and place it directly on the wound. The contact stings at first, but as I let the healing energy settle and do its thing, everything loosens and the pain dissipates. I’m gonna be so sore tomorrow.

I stand with wobbly legs. I’m also gonna be sore now. Honkin’ ow.

“Find him?” I ask, finally catching my breath.

“No, it won’t load. Stupid shoddy Norrisville cell service.” He smacks the side of his phone, grumbling at it.

I desuit, red light shining and black ribbons retreating into my back, and stash the mask away. In turn, I grab my phone and bring up the app. It loads fine. “Have you been updating it?”

“No.” Howard’s eyes dart up to me. “Should I be?”

“Yeah, shoob-face. That’s how apps work.”

My best friend props a fist on his hip, shoving his phone back in his pocket. “Reel back the attitude before I reel it back for you, Cunningham.”

I blow him a dismissive raspberry. According to our tracking app, Junpei’s a couple of blocks south of us but he’s moving in our direction. So, Howard and I have a little time for something kinda important. “I have to get rid of the Archery Goblin,” I say firmly.

“Whoa, are you sure?”

“It ran through a crowded restaurant, it threw food at me, and now it shot me.” I shake my head and lead us back onto the sidewalk. “If it’s starting to rebel, I have to stop it before it does something drastic.”

Howard sighs. “How can you say that, though? All this stuff you say about the Archery Goblin is stuff you come up with. It might’ve been an accident.”

“It doesn’t matter if it was an accident. This thing has proven itself to be dangerous. I’ve got enough to worry about; I can’t spend time worrying about it acting out. The people of Norrisville are in danger enough as it is.” I take a breath. “You and Junpei are, too. If I get rid of the Archery Goblin, it’s just one less thing on my plate. I’ll be able to rest easy knowing there’s one less danger hanging over you guys.”

My best friend grabs my phone, tilting the screen in his direction. Junpei isn’t too far from us now. He sighs again. “Alright, man. Whatever punches your graves.”

When Junpei sees us, he sprints into my arms and shoves his face in the crook of my neck. “Whoa, hey, Junie-pie! You okay?”

He nods into me but doesn’t say anything. Maybe he shares my sentiments about centipedes, or maybe he saw the Ninja get nailed with that arrow. Either is pretty devastating, honestly.

I hold him tight and let him have a moment to recollect himself.

Howard looks past him, making eye contact with me. “Now, where the honk were we going?” he asks nonchalantly.

I dart my eyes down at Junpei and shake my head. That man just pulled an arrow out of my back; where the juice did his sympathy go?

With a big exhale, Junpei separates from me, one of his hands slipping into mine. “The Game Hole, I think.” His smile is small and his eyes are tired. I place a gentle hand on his cheek, my head tilted. His empty hand meets mine, his smile growing. “Tch, I’m okay, Koyo. Really.”

“Yeah, Koi-Boy, he’s fine. Let’s get moving!” Howard marches ahead of us.

“That is not what he calls me and you know it!” I call after him. I jog ahead to meet his stride, Junpei’s hand still in mine.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, Game Hole!”

Chapter Text

The Game Hole in sight, we all get pumped. The new game cabinets and units usually show up on Tuesdays, but Greg (the Game Hole, owner, of course) said he’s got a super exclusive Sunday special. Inhabitant Vice is this crazy game console series with viruses, nanobots, parasites, zombies, and unbridled weaponry. It was retconned recently with a semi-huge genre shift. It’s gone from intimidating but wacky third person shooter to an entirely terrifying horror-slash-first person shooter.

So, this exclusive Sunday special is a virtual reality experience! There’s a VR headset, individual hand controllers, and this floor pad thingy that lets you run in place in any direction! It’s so bruce, it honkin’ hurts!

I hurt. My shoulder hurts. My ankle hurts. My wrist hurts. Both knees are a little achy.

Ugh.

Anyway, Game Hole!

We get within a few feet of the door, and my fight or flight response kicks in. I let go of Junpei’s hand, wrapping my arm around his waist and walk past the arcade. He doesn’t question it but I can feel the weird look he gives me.

Howard pauses behind us, his hand surely on the door’s handle. “Uh, Cunningham, Kawakami, where are you going?” When I don’t answer him, he groans and catches up to us. “Hello? Inhabitant Vice exclusive!”

“Seth was in there,” I say flatly.

Howard does a double take behind us. He either doesn’t believe it or doesn’t believe me. I don’t care which it is; I’m not taking any chances. “Let’s just beat the juice out of him,” he suggests. “Done and done!”

“I’m not inciting violence if I don’t need to.”

The bell attached to the Game Hole door jingles behind us. Footsteps follow it. They follow us.

“C’mon, Cunningham, you can take him!”

“No, Howard. It’s bad enough the cops don’t believe he exists. I’m not getting arrested for fighting him.” I sigh, squinting in a brief divergence in my thoughts. “I wouldn’t do well in prison.”

Howard rolls his eyes. “Y’know what? I’m sick of this. If you won’t handle this, I will.” He spins on his heel, fists ready at his sides. “Okay, fucko, I –”

Prepared to fix whatever mess Howard’s about to make, I turn. I let go of Junpei’s waist, arm out to protect him. However, the sidewalk behind us is empty.

“– he’s not there. Huh.” His fists now victorious, I guess, Howard props them on his hips. With a smile to match, he turns back to us. “Solved your shoob problem, shoobs. Now, to the Game Hole!”

“Uh, no.”

Howard throws his head back, groaning as loudly as he can.

Junpei reclaims my outstretched hand to hold and stands next to me. “Do you really think either of us want to run into Seth? Willingly or accidentally?” he prods, his usual soft tone stern.

“Kawakami, I don’t think you understand what’s at stake here,” Howard sasses. “Inhabitant Vice exclusive VR experience!”

Junpei huffs, “I don’t think you understand. We’re talking about Seth here.”

“Of course I understand. I’m not stupid; I just don’t want the shoob to ruin our day. We’ve been waiting for this for weeks!” Howard crosses his arms and rolls his eyes again. Grumpily, he adds, “It’s not like Cunningham can’t beat him to a literal pulp.”

I cut in as quickly as I can. He keeps saying that and I feel like it has a pretty obvious implication. “I’m a walking bi-saster; I can’t beat anyone to a pulp.”

“Boo! Terrible pun!”

“Terr-bi-ble,” I correct.

Howard continues his disgust but Junpei giggles. Audience reached.

We agree to move on and head to O’Splendor’s Pancake Eatery. We’re super loyal to Greg’s Game Hole, so any other arcade is out of the question. Besides, after some Ninja action and a Seth scare, we could all go some all-day breakfast. Randy wants an omelet. Also, maybe a milkshake.

Halfway there, though, I have to sit and take a break. I am in so much pain today. The added soreness on my shoulder isn’t helping.

Howard sits next to me, phone instantly in his hand. Junpei squats next to me and digs in his black mini backpack. I didn’t realize he had it today. From it though, he hands me a roll-on stick of Cold-Caliente.

“You carry this just for me?”

Backpack closed, Junpei props his arms and his chin on the bench’s metal arm. “Duh. You’re too stubborn to carry it yourself.”

I start applying the Cold-Caliente, starting at my ankle. Sheepishly, I say, “Well…it’s embarrassing.”

My boyfriend snickers. “No way. You’re still drop-dead gorgeous.” He winks and heat creeps into my cheeks. How dare he use my own words against me. How dare he be so cute and charming while he does it.

“Barf,” Howard chuckles. He means it with love.

Finished tending to all my arthritis issues, I pause. I’m seconds away from screwing the cap back on this roll-on but… “Junie, do you think you could put a bit of this on my back?”

“Totally!” He snatches the roll-on from my hand and climbs onto the back of the bench, sitting on the top edge. He pushes me to lean forward and pulls up my hoodie and shirt. “Where at?”

“A bit to the left of my left shoulder blade.” He lifts the material until it’s all bunched up at my neck. Panic briefly prickles my brain. I have no way of knowing if I healed my back all the way; there could be a huge scar. I have no idea how I'd explain that. So, I ask, “Uh, you don’t see anything back there, do you? Like a huge zit or something?”

“Nope,” he answers, “all I see is this beautiful, freckly back of yours.” Junpei softly kisses the spot the arrow was lodged in. Goosebumps scatter across my body, and my face heats up like a furnace. I shove my face in my hands, completely and utterly love struck. How dare he.

Chapter Text

I’m on edge as soon as Monday starts. If there’s a McFist threat, I have to beat it as quickly as I can and solve my Archery Goblin problem. Right after school, I go on patrol until dinner. Then I do some homework and sneak back out until curfew.

Wednesday, Howard convinces me to take a break. “You can’t spend the entire week tense,” he stresses. “At this rate, you’re gonna start going grey. You don’t need that.”

We’re in my room, finishing our homework at my rounded coffee table. As per usch’, I’m leaning against my purple couch and he’s in the blue bean bag chair opposite of me.

“I’m gonna start?” I echo.

My best friend’s concern grows on his brow. “I… No, Cunningham.”

I tip my head forward and part my hair in a few different places. The lavenders have been dissipating since the Archery Goblin’s been helping me but they’re still there.

Howard’s pencil taps on the table. “Those are highlights. You get lavender highlights.”

My head back up, I make sure he remembers a vital detail about that. “In the summer,” I say, “I get highlights in the summer. I don’t know if the leaves changing colors mean anything to you but they should. Because they mean it’s fall.”

“I know how leaves work, wise guy.”

Our conversation pauses, the front door opening and closing downstairs. It’s too early for Mom or Dad to be home. And I know I locked the door when we came in.

Footsteps come up the stairs, light and careful.

I slowly turn my head to Howard. His eyes dart to the floor as he starts whistling inconspicuously in the most conspicuous way.

Junpei pops into my room, a smile on his face and a small cloth bag in his hand. Before he says anything, he quickly kneels down to hug me and pepper my face with kisses. It brings an instant smile to my face.

“Junie! What are you doing here?”

“Howard said you were having a bad week, and I just got some new nail polish in the mail. I figured I’d come over and we’d hang out for a bit.” He plants a big kiss on my cheek and hugs me tighter.

That’s nice and all, but: “How’d you…get in my house?”

“Howard gave me the keys you made for me.” Junpei holds up two keys on a ring, one for the doorknob and the other for the deadbolt. He’s painted them both, one in the bisexual pride colors and the other in the asexual pride colors. His smile is so sweet. “He said you kept forgetting.”

I send discreet daggers my best friend’s way. Howard has keys to my house. I did not make an extra set for Junpei. “How nice of you, Howie,” I deadpan. I don’t know how my parents are gonna feel about this. Maybe they don’t need to know.

After Junpei grabs the acetone from the bathroom, he takes a seat…basically in my lap. I stretch my legs out to either side of the coffee table’s center, and he sits with his legs folded, his knees on my thighs. Comfy, Junpei cleans off the (admittedly very chipped) polish from my nails and goes to town.

I don’t even bother to see what colors he brought. Instead, I close my eyes and rest my head against his. He smells so good, and he’s so warm and cozy. I did need this. A little cuddle, a little nail polish – a lotta boyfriend.

“These colors you brought are lame, Kawakami,” Howard states matter-of-factly.

“Then stop using them.”

“No, I still wanna be pretty. I just want you to know you’ve got bad taste.” Howard screws a bottle of polish shut and sighs. “I mean, look at you. You’re dating Cunningham.”

Junpei does one last paint stroke on my right pinky. He sighs back and counters, “Yeah, well, you’re best friends with him.”

“Touché.”

I settle my chin on Junpei’s shoulder and take a peek at my nails. My pointer and thumb nails are a deep magenta and the rest of my nails are a purple so dark, it almost looks black. The matte top coat makes each nail look velvet soft. Junpei knows I’m a sucker for a matte top coat. He could paint my nails the ugliest yellow but I’d still love it as long as it was matte.

“You like it, Koyo?”

I peck his cheek. “I love it,” I say warmly.

“What about moi?” Howard cuts in. His left hand is navy blue with a heavy dose of sparkles. His right hand is grey with the same sparkle dosage. The colors complement each other but he’s painted more than just his nails.

“How does someone with such delicate hands have such bad eye-hand coordination?” Junpei asks, not particularly addressing either of us.

Howard grumbles but does his best to turn it around. “The excess’ll wash off in a couple of days. I don’t need your hoity-toity ‘inside the lines’ cheese.”

Footsteps come up the stairs, slow and tired. Within a few seconds, Dad pokes his head in my doorway. His eyes search us briefly before he speaks. My body and my brain tenses in those seconds. Junpei’s in my lap.

I know Dad said he just needed time to adjust to me – to us, but I’m always worried when the mere subject of Junpei comes up. Now, here he is…in my lap.

“Where’s your mother?” Dad asks simply.

Howard answers before I can. There isn’t an ounce of concern in his voice. I don’t know why there would be. “Mrs. C’s over with my mom. They’re exchanging the hot goss’.”

Dad hums. “Alright.” He starts to leave but catches the doorframe in his hand, stopping in his tracks. He wags a finger, eyes searching but uncertain. “Jupiter,” he decides.

“Junpei,” I correct.

Dad nods. “I’ll get it, I’ll get it.” He clears his throat and starts again. “Junpei, how’s school going?”

“Good, sir. I got a 98 on my last book report.”

Dad nods again. “Good, good. Keep it up, sport.” He pats the doorframe twice and turns, heading back downstairs. The second his dingy work shoes touch the top step, I breathe a sigh of relief.

“Sorry about…him,” I say to Junpei.

“He’s trying,” is all he says back. He’s a little caught up trying to tidy up Howard’s shoddy paint job. He’s taken a cotton swab dipped in acetone to the skin around Howard’s nails. With as much nail polish Howard used, this might take a few minutes.

“I guess but he gets your name wrong half the time.” Dad always manages a “j” name when he does it but still. His version of “trying” doesn’t seem to have much effort behind it.

Howard pulls his hand back suddenly. “Ow! Watch it!” he snaps.

“Don’t move! It’s not my fault you bite your nails.” Howard always manages to tear out that bit of skin between the side of his nail and his finger when he bites them. I watched him do it during math class today. It even bled a little.

Howard’s hand reclaimed, Junpei returns to our conversation. “You said he’s kinda put off by the whole boyfriend thing but he needs time to get used to it. However much time he’s taking might involve…trying to ignore it without being disrespectful. So, he just probably hasn't bothered to remember my name.”

I shove my face into the crook of Junpei’s neck, hands still splayed out on the table. I’d wrap my arms around him but I doubt my nails are dry yet.

“He’ll come around. He might just be afraid to, y’know.” Junpei’s focus distracts him briefly. “Give him time. I’m just happy he supports us at all.”

Chapter Text

To keep my spirits high, I wear Junpei’s sweater to school the next day. I’m gonna get this Archery Goblin, no matter what. It’s always there when a threat rears its ugly head. It’s no big deal…unless it becomes one when I’m not looking. We won’t talk about that, though.

The day ticks by slowly, every second more agonizing than the last. It’s like I’ve walked into some kinda time bubble and I’m not allowed to leave school for the rest of forever. I consider ditching school during eighth period but I can’t. The good kid in me won’t let me. I’m not a great student by far, but I’d hate for the school to call my parents because I’ve gone rogue.

“Cunningham, if you don’t stop bouncing your leg, I’m gonna rip it off,” Howard threatens. There was only one beanbag chair available in the library today, so we’re kinda squished together on it. I imagine I’m shaking him somewhat.

“Sorry, sorry.” I straighten both legs and cross them.

“What’s your deal?” he snaps. “I thought Junpei time would level out the Ninja stress.”

I huff. “First of all, while I appreciate that you do that, Junpei isn’t a fix-all for my problems. Second, and dare I say more importantly, why the juice did you give him keys to my house?”

“That’s what you’re stressing over? Seriously?” Howard scoffs before actually answering me. “He’s one of us. Like you wouldn’t give him a set at some point anyways.”

“We’ve only been dating –” I try to count off how many days on my fingers but I am so clueless when it comes to dates. I don’t even know what today is. November what?

“69 days,” Howard states flatly. Then he gets a stupid smile on his face. “Nice.”

I backhand his shoulder. “A little over two months!” I stress. “You don’t give house keys to a person you’ve been dating for two months. Do you have any idea how my parents would feel about this if they knew?”

My best friend shakes his head. “We won’t tell them then. Don’t worry about it.”

I grumble and turn my head to the side.

“What? Do you suddenly not trust Junpei for some reason? You wanna ask him for the keys back? He already decorated them. Kinda a shoob move, Cunningham.”

I roll my eyes but I don’t answer him.

“That’s not even what you’re mad about, is it?” Howard sits up, disrupting our shared divot in the chair. “The honk’s your problem today?”

I reach into my pocket, pulling out a folded piece of paper. I hold it up and after a second, Howard takes it.

…

“Who the fuck gave you this?”

“I don’t know. I just… Someone slipped it in my pocket.”

“Why didn’t you say anything to me earlier?”

I shake my head, the volume of my voice falling. “I don’t know. I was trying not to get upset.”

For the first time since I’ve been painting my nails and wearing Junpei’s cardigan, someone’s actually called me a slur. They even wrote it in cursive with a pink glitter pen. It matches Heidi’s bike.

We’re both quiet for a moment.

“Do you need a hug?” Howard asks quietly.

I almost don’t want one. I don’t want someone to see. I don’t want things to get worse, but I need a hug more than anything right now.

I have to fight off any residual hurt I’m bearing. Howard’s hug almost brings me to tears.

“We should really tell a teacher about this,” Howard insists, maintaining a soft tone.

“That’ll make it worse.”

“We can’t just do nothing.”

I shake my head into his shoulder. “I have bigger things to worry about.”

“Randy, this is big. Fuck Norrisville. What about you?”

Sniffling, I make my side of the hug tighter. “I don’t wanna think about it, okay? Just let me make this choice.”

Reluctantly, Howard lets me. He also agrees not to tell Junpei about this, either.

“Why don’t you call off goblin hunting today?” he suggests. Our hug over, we’re back to laying in the beanbag chair. Howard’s been not-so-discreetly holding my hand ever since. “We can play some CyberGrave or something.”

“No, I can’t. I shouldn’t. I have to find it.” I take a slow breath. “It’ll be a good distraction anyway.”

Chapter Text

I pace the top of some law firm for about an hour. I should be leaping and bounding from building to building, but instead, I’ve been trying to text Junpei something. Anything.

“I’m being bullied at school. Someone called me a faggot today.”

Delete.

“I love you.”

Delete.

“I’m the Ninja.”

Delete.

Eventually, I give up. There’s nothing I could text him right now that would start a good conversation. There’s nothing I could say that wouldn’t destroy the inside of my brain right now.

I put my phone away and take a breath. I need to meditate.

Legs folded, I take a seat on the edge of the roof. I scan the street, taking in every detail. People mill about, minding their everyday mundanity and whatever exciting little thing might change their path. The traffic is light, and all the drivers seem to be getting along for the moment. Pigeons sit in droves on telephone wires. Their heads turn and twist, their beaks make that cute little cooing noise.

Everything’s normal.

Close my eyes. Deep breaths. Center myself. Drown out the world. Drown out my feelings. Feel nothing. Just breathe. I’m okay.

I’m okay.

Before I know it, it’s time for dinner. I go home, I eat, I pretend I had a great day at school…and then I go to bed. If something happens, I’ll get an alert on my phone.

I’m okay.

Chapter Text

Days pass, Norrisville surprisingly quiet. It also hasn’t rained once, and it might not rain until next week. No Dragon, no stank beasts, no robots, and no massive thunderstorm that would enable me to reach out to the Raijū. It’s like the universe heard about my bad day last week and it’s giving me a break.

But I don’t need a break. I need to catch the Archery Goblin. I need to feel like I’m doing something right.

I also need a napkin. There’s way too much relish on this hot dog. When I walked up to the hot dog vendor, he threw a dog together for me and piled it on. “You look like a relish kinda guy to me!” he said. He didn’t even make me pay for it.

Ninja, this is good relish. He was so right.

Napkin-less, I just wipe my mouth with my hand and flick off the excess relish. It should land on that awning down there above the laundromat. A pigeon might find it later.

Finishing up my snack, I catch wind of some screaming a block away. It’s followed by a brown SUV getting hurled down the street until it collides with a parked firetruck. I’m a little surprised it’s not Principal Slimovitz’s car for once. His car is probably cursed with as much as it gets tossed around and destroyed. He should consider taking the bus or something. I bet his insurance rate is through the roof.

I shake my head and pull down the Ninja mask. Focus.

On the scene of the danger, I’m a little insulted this is what I’ve been waiting for. It’s just a big Robo-Ape with bulldozer buckets for hands. Sure, it breaths fire and it’s light on its feet, but what am I looking at? Did they run out of ideas over at McIndustries? Did Viceroy or the entire robot department go on vacation?

The Robo-Ape spots me and spews a spire of fire into the air. It scoops up another car and heaves it over its shoulder like a football. I grab the car midair with the Ninja scarf and slam it directly downwards into the road. It makes a sizable dent and thoroughly ruins the asphalt.

I just have to distract this thing and minimize any more damage until I’m sure the Archery Goblin’s here. It only takes a few minutes before the first arrow makes its debut. I lock eyes on its position and make a quick win of this sad excuse for a weapon of Ninja destruction. I whisper the Earth Attack spell, ensuring a massive dirt spike skewers the Robo-Ape beyond functionality. Its jaw slacks and black smoke pours from its limp body.

I smoke bomb to the top of the building, catching the Archery Goblin off guard. It grabs a bag and its bow and tries to book it for a rooftop door.

“Nope!” I grab it by the back of its shirt and heave it into the air. Its bow and a collection of arrows clatter to the ground. I meet it in the air and shove it over an alleyway. I throw the Ninja scarf through the top of a fire escape railing, securing it, and then I throw the rest of the scarf the Archery Goblin’s way. It wraps tightly around it, holding it snug as it falls to the side of the building.

I smoke bomb onto the ground before the Archery Goblin, victorious. It hangs upside down before me. I wanna get a good look at it before I send into the Realm of Nothingness.

I’m pretty surprised this thing’s wearing clothes – human clothes, I mean. Red sneakers, black jeans, a black hoodie, and a black ski mask. The Archery Goblin’s head is turned away from me, its eyes squeezed shut. All I have to do is yank off this –

Tink!

I look down. A necklace fell off it. I pick it up. It’s a black string with a…boxy, red shape attached to it.

Red. All I see is red.

I pull off the ski mask. “No!” I seethe. “No! Are you fucking kidding me?!”

Junpei’s brown eyes creak open, an awkward, guilty smile trying to make up for whatever the fuck’s going on here. “Heeey,” he tries, attempting some semblance of casualness.

“Just because we kissed and-and I healed your mom doesn’t mean you get to be my sidekick! Do you have any idea how dangerous any of this stuff is?! You could get yourself killed! You’re just a kid! You have a life to live!”

Junpei shakes his head, brows upturned. “I just thought you could use some help.”

“Help?” I snap. “I don’t need help. I’m the Ninja. The Ninja works alone.”

“I know, I know. You’ve just been so tired and stressed out.”

My brow furrows. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I point to myself. “Me?”

Junpei sighs. “Yes. You.”

I pace the ground but only by a few steps left and right. I’m so tempted to just let him hang here until my time as the Ninja ends. “You’ve got a family. You’ve got a boyfriend. How would any of them feel if they knew you were doing this? How do you think your boyfriend would feel if he knew you endangering your life?”

“I mean… I think I get the picture.”

I freeze. “What?”

Junpei takes a deep breath and locks eyes with me. In a slow, firm voice, he says, “I know.”

Every thought I’ve ever had comes to a complete standstill. My heart, beating a mile a minute, stops. The air flowing though my lungs halts. Everything inside of me is still but all of it could come bursting out at any second.

His arms tight at his sides, Junpei’s hands loosen and tap against his jeans. “Do you really think I’d kiss someone who wasn’t my boyfriend?” he asks earnestly.

I shove my face in my hands. “No, no, no…” I sigh. “How long have you known?”

“Almost the entire time?”

Dropping my hands, I exclaim, “What?!”

“I got suspicious when you rescued me from the stank kraken and you cupped my face in your hands. The concern in your eyes… It couldn’t have been anyone else.” Junpei looks away for a moment. “From there, there was kinda a lot of evidence to back it up.”

“Like what?”

“You passed out in my bathroom with your ‘math book,’ and then I saw the Ninja talk to ghost koi in our pond.”

So, he was awake…and I guess that explains how I ended up on my back when I shloomped that time. He must’ve been trying to make sure I wasn’t dead.

“That time your ‘math book’ slid out of your hoodie and you said you needed on it you ‘in case of math,’” Junpei goes on. “You’ve cancelled dates on days robots have attacked. Uh, there was also that time Seth attacked me and you healed the cut the night it happened. You also called me ‘Junie’ once during a stank beast attack, and you’re the only person who calls me that.”

Wow, Howard’s right. I am stupid.

I slowly shake my head. “You’re not supposed to know.”

“I mean, I figured that.”

“No, Junie, this is bad. Do you have any idea how much danger you’re in now? You’re not supposed to know.”

He shrugs as best as he can given his position. “I haven’t told anyone. I would never tell anyone. I’m not stupid.”

“I-I didn’t say…” I rake my hand over the top of my head. “You’re not supposed to know. You can’t know.” I turn my back to him, face in my hands again.

“C’mon, I’ve been really careful. I haven’t gotten hurt, and I’m a really good marksman.” He sucks air in through his teeth. “Except for…that one time, which was totally an accident and I’m so sorry that happened. You jumped too late, and I-I’d already made the shot.”

My mind kicks back into gear. A million thoughts race in and out, buzzing by me like it’s a busy highway. What do I do? What do I do?

“I shouldn’t have gone behind your back like this. I know it’s dangerous and stupid. I just wanted to help.” He pauses, probably waiting for me to say something, but I don’t. So, he keeps going. “But this makes it easier! I don’t have to worry about you seeing me, and you don’t have to worry about me getting to safety. I can keep helping –”

I find my words again. “No. This has to stop.”

“Wha – why? I can help. I’ve been helping.”

“No, this is it. You’re done. You’re not supposed to know about me, and you’re not supposed to put yourself in danger for me.” Tears prickle my eyes. “You don’t understand.”

I try to say something else, anything else, but my words are gone again. I wanna be articulate and smart about this but I can’t be. I spin on my heel, tears spilling down my face. “Junpei, I love you. If anything ever happened to you, I’d never forgive myself. You mean so much to me, and if I ever lost you – I, I don’t know what I’d do.” I sniffle and wipe my face with my hand.

“I love you, too,” Junpei says softly. “I… I’ve been doing this because I love you.”

I shake my head, tears still rolling down my face. “Do you love me? Or do you love the Ninja?”

“You. I’ve always loved you.” Junpei’s mouth turns up into a sad smile. “When we Spider-Guy kissed, I used the same pick up line from when we first met. I knew it was you.” He chuckles. “If I wasn’t in love with you, I wouldn’t have stayed. The Ninja’s cool and all, but I think I’ve seen you almost die like twice. If I didn’t think you were worth it – the risk, the danger – I wouldn’t be here right now.”

My hand finds its way to Junpei’s face, gently caressing his cheek. He leans into it like a cat. Even when I’m so incredibly mad at him, he still manages to be one of my favorite people.

“So…are we okay?” he asks.

“Yeah.”

He smiles, now laughing a little. “And you don’t have to, like, kill me or anything?”

“Kill you?” I echo.

“Yeah, I figured out your secret identity. I don’t know what your magic Ninja rules are.”

I withdrawal my hand. Can Junpei just know? Howard knows but…

I take a few steps back. Ninja Lessons fill my vision:

“Love is a blessing but it also stands to curse.”

“Love is warm and safe

Love blinds and deafens the mind

Do not become daft.”

“Deceit often comes with a price.”

It’s too much all at once. I squeeze my eyes shut, hands pressed against my temples. I don’t know what to do. I-I could… I don’t want to but I might have to.

“Randy? Or, uh, Ninja?”

I take a slow, deep breath. “Listen, you’re just…not supposed to know.”

Junpei’s quiet for a moment before he laughs. “Okay. Are you gonna erase my memory or something then?”

My eyes open to see his upside down, smiling face. When I don’t answer, that smile becomes nervous but he just keeps looking at me.

I turn my back to him again. Slowly, I take out the NinjaNomicon and stare at its cover. It doesn’t buzz, flash, or make a sound. It’s just staring back at me.

“Is…is that something you can do?” Junpei asks, his voice small.

“Technically, yeah.”

We sit on that silently until Junpei whimpers, “Will I remember you?”

“I-I don’t know.” If Junpei’s known my secret identity throughout most of our relationship, that might mean the Ultimate Lesson might remove the memory of me completely. The Ultimate Lesson takes a Ninja’s knowledge and wisdom once his journey is over. I’ve used it before to mind wipe a couple of people who figured out my identity, but this is different.

I have to think about this, but I can’t sleep on it. Whatever I do, I have to do it now. “Just give me a minute.”

I let the Ninja Lessons flow. They outline the Nomicon, they crawl up my fingers, and they even sneak in through the brickwork of the wall in front of me.

“A ninja must never endanger the innocent, but he must always defend the defenseless.”

Junpei’s innocent but he’s far from defenseless. He’s definitely skilled and dangerous with a bow. At that, I don’t actually know how innocent he is considering he’s technically been in battle. Or…does the innocent thing mean he’s not evil? Uhh…

“The gain is rarely worth the loss.”

My boyfriend knowing my identity versus possibly losing my boyfriend entirely isn’t a fair comparison.

“A ninja’s choices must be chosen of his own choosing.”

At least I’m getting a choice at all. This isn’t easy…but why isn’t it? It should be. Howard knows. Why shouldn’t Junpei? Howard did say he was one of us. If Junpei is willing to stick around through the danger and even put himself in danger for me, he’s just as reliable and trustworthy as Howard. I’m making this harder than it needs to be.

I spin back to my still-dangling boyfriend as I stash away the Nomicon. “I won’t mind wipe you if you promise to stop this. No more Archery Goblin.”

“Archery what?”

“Promise me, Junie: you’ll stop putting yourself in danger. I appreciate what you’ve been doing but I can’t let you keep it up. You’re gonna get hurt.” If I didn’t have Junpei totally trapped, I’d be holding one of his hands in both of mine.

He starts a sentence but can’t bring himself to say what he wants to.

“Junie, please.”

He shakes his head. “What if you need help?”

I’m hesitant to say so, but, “If I need the help, I’ll let you know.”

Junpei sighs, a smile beneath his breath. “Okay, yeah. I promise. No more…what’d you call me? Archery Goblin?”

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes!” I can’t help pumping my fists and jumping around. I run my palms down my face. “Oh, I have so many things to tell you!”

My boyfriend chuckles. “Can you let me down first?”

“Oh, yeah, of course!” After checking out the wacky predicament I’ve got this scarf in, I grab what stretches from my neck up to the fire escape. “Don’t move. I’ll catch you,” I tell him.

“You’ll what?”

I whip the scarf, loosening what’s wrapped around the fire escape. Then I yank on it good and hard. Junpei unravels from it like a yo-yo, spinning wildly midair. As he loses momentum and starts a plummet to the ground, I zip over and catch him. He’s no damsel in distress but he’s cute like one.

“Hi,” is all I can say.

He giggles and says it back.

I collect Junpei’s thing’s from the roof. I confiscate his Ninja arrow collection but I can’t take his bows. He has a crossbow with horizontal arms that fold up and a regular bow that just straight up folds up. He bought them specifically to help the Ninja. I can’t even. My boyfriend is the brucest person ever!

Don’t tell Howard I said that. They can both be the brucest person ever. Yes, it makes sense. Shush, shush, shush. Don’t worry about it.

While he’s sorting through his bag, I pick up Junpei's necklace again. I dropped it sometime while I was having my Ninja freak out and now it’s covered in alley dirt. I wipe it clean with the scarf before slipping it back over his head.

In the middle of the alleyway, somehow still unseen by every and any Norrisville resident, Junpei slinks his arms around my shoulders and I rest my hands on his hips. “I’m glad I get to be a part of this part of your life,” he says, a particular sparkle in his eyes.

“Me too,” I sigh. “All the dancing around everything I have to do is exhausting.”

“Try having to pretend like you don’t notice all that dancing.” Junpei slips a finger beneath the edge of the Ninja mask and lifts it up over my nose. He shakes his head. “You have no idea how hard it is not flirt with the Ninja. You don’t make it easy.”

I chuckle. Ever so slowly, we’re leaning towards each other. “Same to you, mister.” We come together in a soft, tender kiss.

And I’ve been using the lip balm. Don’t even ask me about it.

A voice booms at us and we both jump. “I knew I’d find you shoobs sucking face in an alley.” Howard sits impatiently on the sidewalk on his bike.

“Howard, please.” We were having a moment.

“Well, Ninja,” he says with a heavy, dramatic sigh, “I can either leave you to it or I can give you the good news.”

I pull down the Ninja mask, an arm slung around Junpei’s waist. “What?”

“Mmmmm, maybe you should be nicer to the guy who found you bike.”

I gasp, “My bike?!”

Chapter Text

A construction site. My bike is in a construction site, and it’s encased in a huge honkin’ chunk of cement. I feel like Bash had something to with this. It’s probably nothing personal against me; he and his little friends just saw a bike on the street and chucked it into wet cement. Someone somewhere just decided to destroy my personal property for kicks.

There’s gotta be a way to get it out of there. It’s in there up to the handlebars but there’s gotta be a way.

While I assess things and try to put a Ninja plan into action, Junpei and Howard have a nice chat. They’re sitting on a red I-beam that has yet to be added to whatever building this is gonna be. Man, there’s always construction somewhere in this city.

“How long did it take for the wow factor to wear off?” Junpei asks.

“Uh, well, I got used to it pretty quick but there are always new things that blow your mind.” Howard kicks his feet as he leans back on his hands. “The whole magic snot thing is by far one of the brucest things he can do.”

If I hit this cement just the right way, the entire should shatter. But where…how?

“It’s really snot?” Junpei laughs.

“Yep, and the snot globs are glorious! Imagine his boogers!”

My boyfriend laughs again. “Ew, that’s schnasty!”

A nearby sledgehammer is now in my little Ninja mitts and a Ninja wedge is lodged into the side of the cement. I can do this. Easy peasy.

Cheese, this is a heavy sledgehammer.

“Do I get to go on Ninja missions now? Is that a thing?”

“Oh, it’s totally a thing,” Howard replies. “If shoob-face over there decides it’s not too dangerous, we can tag along. Then if we get into trouble, he chucks us into a tree and leaves us to the squirrels.”

I’ve got the hammer over my shoulder, but I heard that. “It was one squirrel!” I shout.

Howard blows a dismissive raspberry and waves me off. He returns his attention to Junpei. “Things have gotten more dangerous since last year but he’ll do anything to protect us. There’s still loads of fun Ninja business we can get in on. Where do you think our super advanced copies of that gay rock show came from?”

“We have that because of Ninja magic?!” Junpei exclaims. “That’s so bruce!”

“Yep, and if someone wasn’t such a stickler, we’d have so much more cool stuff. But something, something – ‘I’ve been trusted with this stuff as the Ninja.’ Blah, blah – responsibility.”

“Well, I think that’s very attractive. I like a responsible man.”

With a big swing of this stupid hammer, I make contact with the wedge. The impact drives the wedge deeper into the cement, creating a spider web of cracks. The cracks stretch across the entirety of the chunk. As I drag the sledgehammer closer to me so I can get it over my shoulder again, the cement shatters and crumbles into a mound.

“Yes!” I grab my bike’s handlebars and pull it out. My helmet and bike lock are still attached above the front tire, but everything’s covered in dried cement. Nothing a little Hydro Hand and Air Fist can’t fix.

In a definitely not showy manner, I throw my bike into the air. The Hydro Hand cleans off the leftover debris. However, when I throw an Air Fist to dry it off, the bike breaks into pieces and I get rained on by my own stupidity.

Howard snorts. “Do you like a stupid man? Look at that guy.”

I’m in the midst of gathering bike parts to toss into a pile so I can Art of Heal it back into one piece. Don’t look at me.

My boyfriend swoons, “Yeah, it’s pretty charming.”

“Bleh. You two are so gross.” Howard playfully punches Junpei’s shoulder. “But I’m happy for you dweebs.”

Bike! Bike is healed! I hold it over my head by the middle bar and start chanting, “Bike! Bike! Bike!” Junpei and Howard join me quickly. Three shoobs in an empty construction site excitedly shouting about a bicycle.

I can’t believe this. I have an amazing best friend and a wonderful boyfriend. I don’t have to worry about the Archery Goblin or about hiding the Ninja side of things from Junpei. Now, I’ve got my bike back!

Everything’s coming up Randy!

Chapter Text

Our bikes secured to the school bike rack, Howard and I head for the front steps. “Look, all I’m saying is it’s not a good look for the company if there’s a game breaking bug in the demo,” I explain. The three of us went down to Greg’s Game Hole after we left the construction site to see if we could still try the Inhabitant Vice VII demo. We could, and I thought it was crazy disappointing.

“Cunningham, four different people warned us not to touch the piano because it’d glitch the whole thing out,” Howard counters.

“C’mon, Howie, don’t tell me you weren’t a teensy bit curious if they were just hiding the good stuff from us.” I open one of the school’s doors and hold it open for him. “There was a pair of headphones in the attic you could pick up for no reason. As if there couldn’t have been some secret in the piano.”

We trek across the carp mosaic in the main lobby, heading for our lockers by the main stairs. Heads slowly follow us as we do. It’s supposed to be bad luck to walk directly across the mosaic but we’ve never abided by that. These people need to chill.

“When has a piano ever had anything to do with anything in an Inhabitant Vice game?” Howard asks pointedly.

“I dunno. There’s at least one in every game.”

“Yeah, for ambience, shoob.”

There are white paper bundles jammed into the top horizontal slats of every locker.

“Ambience, shmambience. They’ve retconned the entire franchise to make it spookier. They could do something with a piano.” We approach our lockers and I keep talking. Howard’s paper bundle is face down on the floor in front of his locker. He grabs it and skims whatever’s on it. “That’d be a good way to set up a scare. A little cheap, maybe, but it’d be a good idea.”

Howard’s eyes grow wide.

“What? PSlimz change the cafeteria menu again?” I reach for the papers in his hands but he pulls them away. “Fine, keep your secrets. I’ve got my own.” I grab the papers from my locker.

“RANDY, NO! STOP!” Howard shouts.

“Dude, inside voice! I’m standing right…here.”

At the top of the packet, in bold, black letters reads, “RANDY CUNNINGHAM: A LIAR AND A FREAK.” The article starts to the left of a picture. It’s my school photo from last year superimposed atop a rainbow pride flag.

“Randy Cunningham has been lying to us all about his true identity. Beneath his boyishly innocent attitude, he’s secretly bisexual and lives a second life dating around Norrisville. He’s dated men and women, and has reportedly had the audacity to flirt with lesbians; women who exclusively date other women. His entitlement goes further as evident with an interview with –”

I drop the paper and pull up my hood.

“R-Randy?” Howard’s voice is right next to me but it doesn’t reach me.

My phone buzzes in my pocket. I take it out and shut it off.

I have to get to class.

The day crawls slowly. Everyone’s looking at me. All day. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, all eyes are on me. Every whisper, every conversation is about me. Everyone knows. Everyone can see me. They can see me.

I don’t talk. I barely look up. All I can do is my schoolwork. All I can do is keep a straight face. I can’t feed into it. I-I can’t face anyone.

Paper balls nail me. I get flicked and pushed. Slurs and insults are said just loud enough for me to hear. The teachers don’t notice. I don’t think they care.

Howard sticks by me all day. He tries to talk to me but there’s nothing I can say.

During lunch, I retreat into the bathroom. I pick a stall, lock it, and take a seat, my knees pulled up to my chest. I just wanna be alone.

But I can’t even have that.

The bathroom door opens and I brace for the worst.

“Cunningham? Hey, you gotta turn your phone back on. Kawakami’s worried about you.” When I don’t answer him, he offers me his phone under the stall door. “I thought you’d say that. Here.”

Shaking, I take it and hold it up to my ear. All I do is sniffle into the receiver.

“Randy? Baby, are you there?”

This is the closest I’ve been to crying all day. My sniffling gets more intense and I whimper.

“Koyo, Howard and I are here for you. You’re not alone. I’m so sorry this is happening. I wish I could be right there with you.”

My eyes water, tears threatening to spill. I wipe at them. I don’t need this at school.

“Are you okay?” Junpei asks next.

I still can’t speak. I know any word that falls out of my mouth won’t be calm. So, I make a noise that sounds like a “no.” Howard’s red sneakers stand patiently outside my stall.

“Maybe you should call your mom and ask her to take you home. It’s okay to walk away from everything. You don’t have to deal with that all day.”

I’ve already been labeled a freak. I can’t tolerate being stamped as a coward either. Not now, not today.

“Randy?”

I hand the phone back to Howard. I can’t hold a conversation right now.

“Kawakami?” Howard says into the phone. Maybe I should’ve hung it up. “No, he hasn’t said anything all day. He’s just been keeping his head down.”

At some point during the day, the school TVs turn on above the lockers. There are who knows how many but the school’s full of them. They’re perfect for Heidi to broadcast her MeCast all over the student body.

Heidi’s bright face pops onto the screen. She’s sitting in that all-glass room in the middle of one of the main hallways. The lockers and other students around that room are blocked by a series of horizontal blinds that cover each window. “What’s up Norris Nation?” Heidi exclaims. Her showman spirit shines blindly like a pair of headlights barreling right for me. “Heidi comin’ at cha with a special midday broadcast! I’m joined by the one and only Debbie Kang!”

Heidi spins her camera to face Debbie Kang. She’s sitting proudly in the plush pink chair opposite of Heidi’s desk.

“So, Debbie-dizzle, what’s hot off the grizzle? What exclusive news do have for Norrisville?”

Debbie Kang crosses a leg over her knee. “As you know, I am the head editor and writer for the Norrisville High Gazette Times Tribune Weekly Daily Press Chronicle – Online Edition. The school paper shifted from paper to digital a few years ago to save on paper,” she explains, “but today, we’ve made a special exception.”

I didn’t think my heart could drop any lower.

“For those of you who don’t read the school handouts, the NHGTTWDPC brings you a special profile on Randy Cunningham, a Norrisville High sophomore. I’ve been following this story for some time.”

“Lay it on us, girl!” Heidi encourages. Does she even understand what’s happening?

“Some of you may know Randy as a complete shoob loser, and you’d be correct. Recently, I’ve discovered something he’s been hiding from us all. Something he’s been lying to us about.

“Sometime in September, Randy was noted wearing nail polish for the first time both by me and one other student. He was able to rope his biffer, Howard Weinerman into joining him.”

Heidi chuckles behind the camera. “Howard and Zandy used to let me and my friends paint their nails all the time when we were little. I don’t see how exactly that’s news.”

“I didn’t think so either until Randy started wearing a pink cardigan in the middle of October. It is 2014, but it’s very rare to see straight guys wearing something so blatantly feminine. If Randy was smart – which if you know him, he isn’t – he’d just say it was his girlfriend’s. However, he was documented arguing with Doug Thomas about how it was quote, ‘not a girl’s sweater.’

“Since Randy’s made these fashion choices, rumors have spread that he’s gay or toying with his gender identity. I’ve done my journalistic duty and thoroughly investigated the situation.

“I personally saw Randy by himself at Whoopee World in late August. If you know anything about him, he and Howard are attached at the hip, so I found this strange. I stood by until a teenage boy confronted him about their relationship issues.

“From the argument that ensued, I gathered that Randy was the aggressor. Recently, I was able to further confirm that. I ran into the same individual last Saturday near Greg’s Game Hole. He was willing to do an interview but wishes to remain anonymous.”

Howard grumbles next to me, “Seth…that fucking asshole.”

“The person I talked to claimed to be Randy’s ex-boyfriend. During the duration of their alleged relationship, the ex said Randy was quote, ‘argumentative, rude, and difficult.’ Randy often began arguments about movies, actors, clothing, and other trivial subjects.

“The ex stated that despite Randy’s need to start drama between them, he was irritated when the ex had to take a break from the relationship for medical reasons. As a result, Randy allegedly kissed his only friend, Howard; and went on a date with an unknown girl, ultimately ruining their relationship,” Debbie Kang says like she’s doing everyone a favor by saying any of it.

Fingers cover the camera lens, Heidi whisper-yelling at her guest. “Uh, hi, is this a student profile or a hit piece?”

“It’s justice,” Debbie answers plainly. She bats away Heidi’s fingers and continues. “When the ex tried to patch up their relationship, Randy physically attacked him and permanently injured him; he now uses a cane to walk. The ex consented to having this information shared as he is now concerned for the wellbeing of Randy’s current boyfriend.”

Heidi, her presenting voice down and her regular voice up, intervenes again. “What the juice is your point?”

“My point is: Randy Cunningham is bisexual and lying about it, and he’s possibly abusive towards those he quote-unquote ‘loves.’”

Chapter Text

The ride home is silent. Howard tries to get a word out of me but I have even less to say than before. Everything got worse after Heidi’s MeCast. A lot of people didn’t really read the NHGTTWDPC papers Debbie Kang jammed in everyone’s lockers. If they did, hearing someone say all that stuff verbally made them...more hateful than before.

Our houses come into view. I ride into my driveway and dismount my bike, leaning it against the side of the garage with my helmet. That’s where Howard leaves his bike, too. “Randy, are you gonna be okay?” he asks, voice quiet and crackled.

My own voice strained, I say, “I just wanna be alone for a while.” I try to walk away but with a hand around my wrist, Howard stops me. “Please, just leave me alone.”

“Can…can you handle being alone right now?”

I think I know what he’s really trying to ask. “Yeah. I just wanna lay down and cry. Take a nap, maybe.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod, still not facing Howard, my hood still up. I’ve made just about as much eye contact today as I’ve spoken.

Howard doesn’t let go. “Hey, look at me,” he insists.

A lump in my throat, I do. My eyes are glossy and my head is pounding. “What?”

“Cheese, c’mere.” He pulls me into a hug, and as much as I’m resisting all and any physical touch right now, I love it. I love him.

My breath hitches and I start breaking down. The heavy, incoherent sobbing I was saving for my bedroom is full-on in Howard’s arms now.

Another person joins us, holding me just as tight. Junpei.

Eventually, I get Howard and Junpei to let me go. I love them both so much, but I wanna be alone. I want a little time to myself. I’ve had my walls up all day, and I haven’t really given myself the chance to process everything yet. I have no idea how I’m gonna cope with any of this. Whatever morsel of a social life I had is dead and gone.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

Chapter Text

Howard and Junpei sit dejectedly on the Cunninghams’ porch swing. Junpei laces his arms through one of Howard’s, head on his shoulder. The swing slowly sways to and fro, the atmosphere too heavy to let any enjoyment manifest.

“Why would Debbie do this?” Junpei asks. “What could she possibly have against Randy to do something like this?”

Howard sighs. “I don’t know. We’ve never really gotten along with her but we’ve never done anything to her.” He blinks, realization flicking on in his mind. “Kawakami, how’d you find out about the article or profile or whatever?”

“Theresa showed it to me on her phone first thing this morning. I never told her Randy and I were dating but…context clues, I guess.”

“Oh, yeah. Cunningham said something about that. I…don’t think I was listening.”

The wind blows, the autumn leaves taking their time to flutter to the ground. The grass, although still green, dims and stunts itself as the days grow shorter and darker. Grey, wispy clouds glide through the sky. Maybe it would rain, maybe it was all for show.

An hour had passed since their group hug. An hour Randy wanted alone. An hour itching with agony and despair.

“His parents are gonna do something about this…right?” Junpei asks, snuggling closer to his friend.

“Mrs. C is absolutely gonna lose her cheese when she gets home. She’ll handle this.”

“What about his dad?”

Howard hums, eyes absently searching the street. “Uh, I don’t know. I think the thing you said about him ignoring the whole boyfriend thing to get used to it was right. He’s not really a feelings guy anyway. You know how it is.”

“Tch. Like you?” Junpei chuckles. “You pretend to be all grump and good spirits, but I know you’re secretly a big teddy bear.”

“Listen, I’ve got a reputation to uphold.”

“No, you don’t.”

Howard grimaces slightly. Junpei’s right. “You kinda have to understand my family isn’t the greatest. I’ve got a lot of weird relatives that make it hard to be entirely myself.”

“What about your parents and your sister?”

“They’re fine. I’m talking cousins, aunts, and uncles. My family's get-togethers are crowded and crazy, and not in a fun way.” He pauses. “What the honk makes you think I’m a secret softie?”

“I heard the entire conversation about the Snow-klahoma incident the night it happened,” Junpei admits. “You and Randy are real wonk to each other sometimes, but you’ve got a big heart. You both do.”

Howard shrugs, a blue four-door catching his attention on the road. Eyes glued to it, he says, “We’ve basically been best friends our entire lives. It’d be a real shoob move not to love each other.”

The car pulls into the driveway, Mrs. Cunningham behind the wheel. She waves, blissfully unaware of the horrors of the day. Her head tilts as she grabs her bags and steps out of the car. “What are you boys doing out here? Where’s Randy?”

Howard stands, his eyes distressed again. “Something happened at school today. Something bad.” He reaches into his bag, grabbing one of the many copies of the NHGTTWDPC he’d tried to pull from the public eye. If a trashcan wasn’t nearby, his backpack was the next best place for them.

Chapter Text

Mom came running into my room out of nowhere and was all over me for about 45 minutes. There were hugs, kisses, mutual crying, and only the kindest words she could muster – minus what she said about Debbie Kang. I’ve never heard Mom talk like that before. I’ve never seen her at such a crossroad between distraught and furious either.

“I’m calling that principal and we’ll get this sorted out. I know we can’t fix it, but we’re gonna fix it.” She presses another kiss against my forehead. “My poor baby.”

I think I can hear Howard and Junpei having a quiet conversation in the stairwell but Mom’s being too mushy for me to hear anything. I really appreciate it, actually.

Mom pulls me back into an embrace, rocking me a little. “Don’t you listen to that girl or anyone else in that school,” she says again. “You’re a beautiful young man with a beautiful heart. The people around you love you so, so, so much.”

I sniffle into her shoulder. She’s wearing some kinda perfume that smells like pears and glitter. I can’t explain the glitter part; it just smells like sparkly.

“Can I stay home tomorrow?” I ask feebly, my throat aching from all the crying.

“Of course. Don’t you even worry about school, okay?” She kisses the side of my head before resting her chin in my hair. “If it comes to it, we’ll sign you up for cyber school. No big deal.” Mom returns my personal space but not for too long. She sees the still wet tears on my face and pulls me back in for a few more minutes. During this last squeeze, I hear her say something about me looking sadder than those poor dogs in that animal rescue commercial.

I love her.

When Mom finally leaves my room and heads downstairs, she tells Howard and Junpei they’re staying for dinner and they need to get up to my room and snuggle me. It’s not something they take lightly. They interrupt me blowing my nose to engulf me in reassurance and affection.

Still on my purple sofa, Howard hugs me from behind and Junpei from the front. He slips his legs beneath mine and I’m trapped. I’m trapped in a big hug, a damp tissue in my hand. And I laugh.

I’m exhausted in every possible way; I’m beyond stressed…but I laugh.

Dinner is served in my room with an ice cold, two-liter bottle of soda. Mom made my one of my favorite meals: barbeque chicken, stuffing, sautéed green beans, and mashed potatoes. She usually makes this when I’m sick or when I’m in a slump. Hopefully, it does something for deep emotional trauma, too.

While we eat, we manage to shift from today’s tragedy to talk about our gay rock cartoon. We discuss what we’ve been enjoying about the show and what theories we have before we get to the next season. Howard makes a risqué suggestion about us covering some of the songs in the later seasons and passing them off as our band’s original music.

I shake my head, pouring myself more soda. “Not on the Ninja’s watch, buddy.”

He rolls his eyes. “You’re no fun, Cunningham. Imagine being labeled ‘ahead of our time’ by the Internet – by the world! 30 Seconds to Math could be the next big thing!”

Junpei taps his forkful of green beans against his plate. “Wait a minute, you shoobs are in a band?”

Howard leans an elbow on the coffee table, his smile cocky. “Yeah, baby! You’re dating a future international rock star,” he says in a totally flirty tone.

“Hey, who’s boyfriend do you think you’re talking to over there?” I snark.

“Hi, Cunningham, this is our boyfriend.” He waves around the last bite of his chicken squished into the last bite of his potatoes. “Learn to share.”

“No, no, no. Hold on!” I laugh. “Are you telling me if you had a girlfriend, she’d be our girlfriend?”

“Duh! Try to keep up!” He eats his last forkful of food with a sassy flourish.

I turn my attention to my boyfriend. “Junie, how do you feel about this?”

“Two boys are fighting over me,” he shakes his head, “I have no complaints.”

“See? He likes it! Our boyfriend likes it!” I can’t win but this is a battle I’m willing to lose. It’s the only one I can lose today with a genuine smile and laugh.

Out of my peripheral, I catch Dad standing in the doorway. His short hair is disheveled and despite the gloomy cloud over his head, he’s smiling. “Boys, I’ve got a little news,” he announces softly. Our eyes on him, he continues, “We can’t get this whole school paper situation settled until Saturday. Your principal is at some car show a state over, but according to your mother, he’s appalled by what happened.”

Oh…Dad knows. For some reason, I didn’t think he’d acknowledge it.

“Where’s Mom?” I ask.

Dad squints and loosens his tie. It’s the green one with little bison wearing top hats. “You know…how when she gets upset, she has…a drink.” This isn’t a question, and it doesn’t have to be. Mom isn’t too big into alcohol, but when she does drink, she usually ends up asleep. All she needs is a glass and a half of wine and she’s out.

Mom hasn’t done this since she lost that commission on that castle. Real estate is weird.

“And,” Dad pauses, the gears visibly turning in his head, “Junpei, your moms will be here to get you at 8:30.”

“Oh, uh, okay.”

Dad nods as his eyes settle on me. “You doing okay, kiddo?”

Rubbing the back of my neck, I shrug. I’m not crumbled in a heap sobbing right now, so that’s something. “Better than I was,” I say.

“Good. You’ve been through a lot today. You deserve better.”

When Mrs. and Dr. Kawakami pick up Junpei, they bring me a bouquet of white and blue flowers, and a pint of chocolate ice cream. They shower me with the same sympathy and love I’ve gotten from everyone else. They even meet Mom in a threat to personally kill Debbie Kang. I love each and every one of these people, but why are they all so willing to murder for me? What have I ever done to warrant such murderous loved ones?

Chapter Text

I manage to turn off my brain for a few hours after Junpei and Howard leave. Howard was fully ready to sleepover but I still want some time alone. It’s mainly to stare at my ceiling and turn off my feelings for a while but still.

It’s eleven o’clock and here I lay, breathing and staring. A blank, white ceiling covered in darkness stares back at me. Carnations and daisies sneak their scent up to my bed from the vase on my dresser. It almost reminds me of the day but I keep all of that pushed deep down. It’s like fighting stank beasts. I’m keeping the unwanted things at bay with everything I’ve got, and as per usch’, I’m winning.

“Tall Glass of Water, your boyfriend wants you to turn your phone on.”

I jump. My walkie talkie lays next to my pillow, Howard’s voice coming in loud and clear. I grab it. “Why?”

“Uh, he loves you?” Howard answers dryly.

I sigh. “Tell him I’ll turn it on in the morning.”

“I’m not getting paid to be your in-between. Just do it.”

“Howard, not now. Not with the day I’ve had.” I pause and rub my eyes with my empty hand. “I know you’re trying to act like everything’s normal but it’s not. I’ll turn my phone on in the morning.”

Static wavers over the line before it goes quiet. After a few seconds, Howard replies, “Alright. I’ll let him know. See you tomorrow.” He’s short but tired when he says it.

I almost let the conversation end there. Almost. “Wait, I… Be careful tomorrow, okay?”

“The juice are you talking about?”

“Debbie Kang didn’t just out me. She outed you, too.”

The line is silent.

“I’m not following.”

I exhale. My self-preservation skills might be wonk but this guy doesn’t pay attention. “In Heidi’s MeCast?” I ask slowly. “Debbie Kang said we kissed.”

“So? I’m not into dudes. I’m not worried.”

“It doesn’t matter that you’re not into dudes. No one’s gonna believe that. All they’re gonna care about is that we kissed. You kissed the freak; you’re a freak by proxy.”

Howard hums a long note into the walkie talkies. “Listen, Cunningham, we’re already loser shoobs together. I’m not afraid to be freaks together, too. And you know if anyone messes with me, I won’t take it lightly.”

No matter what I say, I can’t get the possible danger across to him. Maybe to him, some social danger isn’t comparable to Ninja danger. Then again, he doesn’t really care about that either. Howard’s ridiculously brave…or incredibly stupid. He can be both. I’m both.

Chapter Text

I wake up exhausted and heavy with a disgusting, overwhelming humiliation. Debbie Kang outed me to the student body, to Norrisville, and anyone outside of this city subscribed to Heidi’s MeCast. She also took Seth’s twisted version of our relationship to heart. Not only does everyone know I’m bi, they also think I’m an abusive jerkwad.

I climb down from my bed, take a seat on my sofa, and grab my phone out of my hoodie. I’m not gonna get dressed today. I’ll definitely be wearing Junpei’s sweater for total comfort, though.

Once my phone’s awake, it starts going crazy. One notification after another, consistent and infinite. I set it down on my coffee table and let it go.

I sink into the cushions, hugging myself.

This isn’t just Junpei’s worried texts from yesterday.

When my phone finally goes quiet, I scoop it back up. I’ve got hundreds of direct messages across all two of the social media apps I have. I open one app, the column of messages filled to the brim with hatred. The other app is exactly the same.

Some messages are one word – a slur, an insult. Others are several messages stacked against each other. There are even a few that are just…angry paragraphs.

A lot of the names behind these messages are familiar but there’s a mountain of names I’ve never seen before. I guess Heidi’s got a lot of subscribers. How nice.

Before I know it, tears are running down my face. I should’ve known. I should’ve expected this but I didn’t. I’m so stupid.

The entire school, the entire city, and who knows how many other people hate me. I just wanna hold Junpei’s hand in public and not have to worry about getting attacked for it. It’s all I’ve ever wanted – the casual intimacy straight couples have. Is that so much to ask? Does that really warrant all this?

“No, Mom, just go to work,” I say again. I sniffle into the pillow pressed against my face. I’m lying on my side, facing the back of my sofa. “It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

Her hand tentatively rubs my back. I’m not fine, and we both know it. I let her see the messages. She knows. She took screenshots and sent them to Principal Slimovitz with some choice words of her own.

“Honey, I can miss a day. It’s no big deal,” Mom stresses.

“Please, just go. I just wanna be alone.” We’ve been going back and forth like this for a few minutes. I feel bad enough with the hatred I’m getting and the hatred Howard might be getting at school. I don’t want to keep Mom from her job.

Mom goes quiet as I go quiet. I’m starting to get a grip on the uncontrollable crying I’ve been doing. I feel like I’ve lost control of so much; I need this.

“If I go, do you promise to call me if you need anything?” Mom asks softly, hesitance laced throughout her words.

Eyes squeezed shut, still face first in this pillow, I nod.

“Okay…I’ll be downstairs for a few minutes. Let me know if you change your mind.”

I nod again, my stomach gurgling in the upset catastrophe I’ve fallen into. I just want to lay here all day and wallow. The Ninja probably shouldn’t wallow but fuck, what else am I supposed to do?

A hand squeezes my shoulder suddenly. “Whoa, dude, what’s got you so down again?”

My eyes open and I sit up, pillow to my chest. My best friend sits on the edge of the couch, face contorted in concern. It’s like 8:30. “Why aren’t you at school?” I ask through a sniffle.

Howard shrugs. “Got suspended.”

“What?! Why?!”

He chuckles and crosses his arms. “Well, I snuck into the journalism room, tore down the stuff on Debbie Kang’s stupid corkboard, emptied three bottles of McWhite-Out onto her desk, emptied a filing cabinet and tipped it over,” he pauses, his mischievous smirk growing, eyes half-lidded, “aaaand deleted yesterday’s school paper from the school website.”

My jaw hits the floor. “Howard!”

“Listen, it was either that or I bash in her stupid moped with my hockey stick.”

I shake my head and bury my face in my hands.

“I’m not open to criticism today, man. I avenged you so good.” He did. He really did. This deserves a hug.

Afterwards, Mom calls up to us to take it easy today and leaves for work. Then Howard wants to know why I’m crying again. I show him my messages and he almost explodes. Instead of yelling or punching a wall, he takes a breath, the red anger in his face fading. “This is the wonkest bullshit I’ve ever seen,” he says semi-calmly. “I assume you’re back to not doing great then?”

“I just…I feel like such a failure. I thought I was hiding everything so well, but Debbie Kang found out and now everyone knows. I don’t know why it matters to her. I don’t,” I take a deep breath, “I don’t feel safe in my own skin anymore. First she finds out my identity – how long until she figures out the Ninja’s queer, too? How long until she ruins both sides of my life for no reason?

“I’ve lost control. There’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing the Ninja can do. I’m exhausted and… I-I feel like I’ve ruined the Ninja legacy.”

Howard passes me the box of tissues from the coffee table. “Dude, how’ve you ruined the legacy?” he asks, eyebrow arched.

Sniffling, I pull out some tissues and wipe my face. “The Ninja is an everyman with no defining personal details. The Ninja is supposed to be one dude but he could be anyone. He isn’t supposed be queer but I am. Everyone knows I’m queer. Everyone’s gonna know the Ninja’s queer, too, and I’ll ruin everything. I practically have already!”

“You’re spiraling.”

“No, I’m not. This is what’s happening – this is what’s gonna happen.”

“Have you asked the Nomicon about any of this?” Howard asks slowly.

 I shake my head. “Why would I do that? For all I know, I’m the only queer Ninja ever and this is my problem and my problem alone.”

“Mm. Alright.” Howard gets up and grabs the NinjaNomicon from my satchel. “This book is the bane of my existence, but it’s gotta have something for this. That or it could at least tell you how to chill out.”

I try to refuse, but I’m not getting out of this.

“You shloomp on it. I’m gonna go make breakfast.” Howard approaches me, book in hand. His fingers skim the red and black cover with each step.

“No, Howard. I –”

Without warning, the book’s yellowed pages open directly into my – “Ahruuh!”

Chapter Text

Old Norrisville surrounds me, each detail drawn carefully and painstakingly to perfection. The early settlers, dressed in simple kimonos and tunics, ignore me as they go about their business. Some stand in small groups discussing business or personal stuff and others carry on with work and errands. Despite being thrown into my every day clothes – as the NinjaNomicon likes to do for some reason – which are sorely out of place here, I go unnoticed.

I’m sitting with my back against a communal well near a shop. A man with a high ponytail sets down one of those big sticks people carry – or used to carry? – two buckets of whatever over their shoulders. I peek to see a woven basket full of fresh produce on one end and two empty buckets on the other. The guy removes the buckets and fills them both at the brick-lined well.

I don’t know where any of this gets me but it’s calming, at least.

“Think you could lend a hand, kid?” the guy asks, his voice deep.

I’m caught off guard but I might as well. He hands me a big burlap bag of rice from the woven basket. He must’ve bought more than he meant to and it was throwing off his balance.

Twenty pounds of rice in my arms, I follow him slowly across town. We don’t speak. I hardly stop to consider that this might be any degree of weird.

I glance at his face and do a double take. Those brown eyes, that hardy expression – it’s him! “First Ninja!” I awe.

“For the moment,” he says warmly, “please, call me Kurō.”

I know First Ninja’s name! So bruce!

Kurō keeps his eyes on the path ahead of us. He’s taking us away from the growing town, but I can’t be sure where exactly. “You’ve been struggling lately, yes?”

“Oh, uh…yeah.” I chew my lip. Kurō is from the 13^th century; I don’t know how he’d take to something like this. I don’t even know if he’ll know what I’m talking about. “A girl at school told everyone I’m…not straight. She also told everyone I’m abusive, but I’m not.”

My mentor nods slowly. “And you feel as though you’re ruining the Ninja legacy? Why?”

“The Ninja isn’t… He isn’t supposed to be queer.”

We pass a patch of flowers, a rabbit wiggling its nose in the center of it. I slow my stride briefly to readjust the rice in my arms.

“Do you have a source for this information?” Kurō asks.

“No, it just makes sense.”

“How could a baseless thought be the end-all for the Ninja legacy?”

I blink. “I mean, none of the Ninjas in my lifetime have been queer. At least, I don’t think so.” That would only be the Ninjas of ’05, ’09, and '13, but none of them seemed anything outside of the heteronormative.

…

I think I need to ask Junpei how to use that word again.

Kurō smirks before saying, “The only knowledge a ninja can possess is the knowledge that he possesses no knowledge.”

This guy, I swear to cheese.

“Kid, conclusions can be just as dangerous as answers, but if you don’t take the time the learn the answers, the conclusions can kill.”

“I’m sorry, what the juice does that mean?”

“You will find out in due time.”

I groan. “Riddles aren’t for reassurance, y’know. I didn’t exactly come in here for a Ninja lesson.”

A house comes into view. It has vertical dark wood panels with paper screen windows. The roof is slanted black terracotta shingles. A neatly stacked pile of wood sits in the front yard, a series of tools accompanying them.

Kurō had it good back in the day. This feels so homey.

My mentor side-eyes me, his expression falling flat. “That…wasn’t a riddle.”

I’m on the edge of a sassy retort but considering this is First Ninja and he’s literally taking me to his house, I don’t. There’s probably a point to all this. If I cheese off First Ninja, he’ll either kick me out of the Nomicon or he’ll kick me. I’m not taking any chances.

Kurō sets down the shoulder stick thing. Doodle text appears around it, telling me it’s actually a “tenbinbō.” As the word fades, Kurō slides open the front door and grabs the basket and buckets. “Takumi, I’m home,” he calls into the house. Inside, he takes off his sandals and makes me take off my shoes.

This is a drawing in a book but sure. I know it’s a traditional thing, but I doubt any dirt I drag in here would matter.

A figure in an ankle-length blue kimono emerges from a doorway, black hair tied in a neat topknot. “Oh, good, I just started dinner!” Hazel eyes land on me. “And who’s this?”

“This is the current Ninja, Randy,” Kurō says warmly, his hands on Takumi’s shoulders. “Randy, this is my husband, Takumi.”

My eyes widen. First Ninja had a husband?!

One of Kurō’s hands slide down to Takumi’s round stomach, the sash of his kimono tied atop it. “In this memory,” he drawls, “he’s pregnant with our first child.”

First Ninja had a trans husband?! What?!

I’m speechless. Here I am worrying about being bi and here’s First Ninja – he’s the honkin’ blueprint!

“You’ve followed my footsteps closely; there is no way for you to ruin the legacy in the manner you’re concerned about.” Kurō pecks his husband’s cheek. “You go rest. I’ll take over dinner.”

“Don’t burn anything this time,” Takumi warns, his smile playful, “and go easy on him. He’s adorable!”

“He’s stupid,” Kurō mutters.

“Need I remind you of your ‘talk’ with the Raijū, dannasan?” Takumi giggles.

A faint blush surfaces on Kurō’s face. He crosses his arms and looks away as he mumbles something incoherent.

Takumi gently bows to me before taking careful steps into their living room. I probably should’ve bowed back but I’m honestly still in shock.

My mentor carries his groceries into the next room. I follow him, still holding the bag of rice. I try to restart our conversation, but my brain hasn’t quite caught up with me yet. “So, you’re – you were –”

“In my day, we didn’t have the same words you do. Everything you’ve come up with makes sense, but I don’t bother with any of it. None of those words matter to me. Takumi was…is my world. I don’t need anything more than that.”

“Well…wait, did Takumi actually know you were the Ninja?” I ask.

Kurō nods as he prepares to chop up some of the vegetables from the basket. “Takumi and my squire, Plop Plop, were the only ones.”

“But the Ninja can’t have friends! Once the Ninja is known, he cannot be unknown!”

“I’m aware of Nomicon’s teachings.”

“But-but – I don’t…”

“I had to build a life for myself when my journey was over. Once I instructed Plop Plop to guard the Chaos Pearl, however, I lost him to the Ultimate Lesson. My relationship with Takumi was built outside of the Ninja identity, so I only lost some memories with him.” Kurō’s face grows stoic, pain lingering behind his eyes. “The Ultimate Lesson took the memory of my brothers, too. It took most of my life from me, and to some extent, that’s what I wanted.”

I lean against the dark counter, the bag of rice on the hardwood floor next to me. “You wanted to forget all of it? I understand it, like, wiping you clean of the trauma, but being the Ninja’s a great gig! I mean, it’s an honor!”

“When I was done, I wanted nothing to do with it. I was proud of my work and my heritage, but the connection to the deaths of my brothers was too much. I even took Takumi’s last name, so nothing could remind of the Norisu Nine.”

I go to say something but he’s not done talking.

“The point is, a Ninja is not defined by whom he loves, his identity, or his appearance. As long as you have the heart and soul of a Ninja, and act accordingly, you cannot ruin the legacy.” Kurō sighs, the knife in his hand dutifully chopping a leek, “Even with the number of mistakes you make.”

“Hey.”

My mentor shakes his head. “The pain you’re experiencing now is temporary. Take it in stride. You will overcome this. You must remember: sometimes the only way to push forward is to pull back.”

I appreciate what he’s saying but I also don’t know what he’s saying. “Thanks but how does that last part help me?”

Kurō’s eyebrows draw together, the rest of expression unchanged. Instead of answering me, he says, “Respect is the key that opens all doors.”

“What the juice does that mean here?” I scratch my head and prop a fist on my hip. “Do you just recite lessons when you don’t know what to say?”

“No.” He spins the knife in his hand and makes a sudden stab into the empty air to his left. With a long slice, a jagged oval opens, green and yellow energy slowly spinning inside. Kurō then grabs me by my hood, fully lifting me off the ground. “Get out of my house,” he says dryly. Before I know it, I’m flying into the portal, and from brief glance I get, Kurō doesn’t break a sweat.

I blink back into the real world, back in my pajamas. The NinjaNomicon lays closed on my coffee table. I let everything settle in until the realization hits. I scramble to my feet and race downstairs, excitedly shouting, “Howard! Howard! You won’t honkin’ believe this!” the whole way down.

Chapter Text

“See,” Howard gloats, “I told you you weren’t the only queer Ninja! Almost two hundred dudes and only one queer guy? Talk about bad math, Cunningham.” He spoons out two servings of scrambled eggs to finish our plates. I was shloomped long enough for him to make eggs, sausage links, and a potato-veggie mixture.

I’m sat at the kitchen peninsula, arms stretched out and lounging on the countertop. “I’m not a ‘C+’ student for nothin’.” I sit up and shake my head. “I dunno. It’s so easy to feel isolated, and it’s even easier to convince yourself that that’s reality.

“But surprise! First Ninja was the guy!”

Howard sets our plates out. “First Ninja was the queer!”

“You bet he was, Howie, baby! You bet he honkin’ was!” I take a victory spin in my chair, arms up. “Wooo!”

My best friend takes a seat next to me, ready to chow down. “Real talk, though,” he says, “if First Ninja had kids, does that mean he’s got living relatives in Norrisville?”

“It’s possible, I guess? It’s been like 800 years, and some family trees just…end.” We shrug and dig into breakfast. There’s no point in looking into it; it’s not like First Ninja’s decedents would have some kind of special Ninja powers or knowledge I don’t have. That’s straight up not how it works.

Howard and I spend the day goofing off. We don’t leave the house but we don’t need to. We watch TV and reenact movies we’ve seen a million times. We even paint and jam out for a while.

I only interrupted everything once to have half a breakdown. I don’t know what happened. We were in the middle of a Rorg: Hero of the Past episode and I just started crying. Howard pulled me into a hug, and after a few minutes, I was fine.

All in all, despite everything, it’s a pretty good day. It only gets better when Junpei bursts through the front door. He drops his skates, mini backpack, a duffle bag, and his elbow crutches in the mudroom.

I sit up as Junpei springs into the room. I’ve had my head in Howard’s lap for the last hour while we watched some trashy reality show. Why do straight people think they can get a successful, happy relationship from one of these competitions where they basically fight over one person? Who came up with this? It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

I don’t get the chance to stand up before Junpei pounces on me. Plastic crinkles behind my head as he showers me in kisses. Then he stops suddenly. “Wait a minute, am I missing out on a cuddle sesh’?”

Howard chuckles. “Big time, Kawakami.”

Junpei grumbles a little before cupping one of my cheeks. “You okay today, Koyo?” he asks softly.

“Mostly, yeah.” I notice the green plastic in my boyfriend’s other hand. He brought me a bouquet of red tulips, and I laugh a little when I notice. “Junie, you didn’t have to bring me more flowers.”

“Yes, I did. You deserve flowers!” he declares. He pulls me to my feet and shoves the bouquet in my hands. “For you, dearest Ninja.”

Every part of me cringes internally, and I try to escape into the kitchen. I have to find another vase for these. I feel like we only have the one but that can’t be right.

“Aw, c’mon, Koyo. Norrisville’s greatest hero deserves nice things! My hero specifically deserves the best!” Junpei follows me and leans against the counter while I dig for a vase in the cupboards.

“Your hero?” I repeat.

“What else do I call the guy who saved me from a kraken, a raccoon-bird, and an attempted murder?” He throws his head back, his hand daintily against his chest. “Dare I call you anything else when you’ve mended both flesh and metal? It’s best to call a hero solely by his title.”

What flawless dramatic flair. Ninja, I love him.

I can’t find another vase but here’s an empty pickle jar for some reason. As I screw off the lid, I furrow my brow. My half-embarrassed, half-flustered smile warms and becomes comfortable. “Howard told you the way to my heart is through my ego, didn’t he?” I ask.

Junpei denies it – poorly – while he fiddles with the zipper on his stolen hoodie. When we make eye contact, he chuckles and shrugs. “He might’ve said something about it, but I was planning this before that. I figured you’d need some reminder of all the good you’ve done…and I wanted to thank you for all of it.”

Once I have the jar half full of water, I unwrap the flowers and set them in their new home. It mostly works. I can’t believe we own exactly one vase.

“I’ve been worried about you all day,” Junpei adds. “You really do deserve nice things.”

I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my forehead against his. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Shush,” my boyfriend giggles. His hands are on the back of my neck. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Knock, knock, knock!

Seconds away from smooching, we both freeze. Someone’s at the door, and there’s an endless list of who it could be. Angry bigots with weapons? Girl scouts peddling cookies?      

“Cunningham, door for you!” Howard calls.

“What if…you answer it?” I say back.

I swear I hear him roll his eyes. “Do I look like I live here?”

That’s what drags me back into the living room, Junpei close behind. “You practically do live here! You’ve had keys to our house since we were ten!”

Knock, knock, knock!

Howard, phone in hand and uninterested, points to the door. “Door for you,” he deadpans.

I grumble and take cautioned steps towards the front door. A collection of whispers waits beyond it, but I can’t make out what they’re saying. With a deep breath, I grab the knob and take my chances.

“SURPRISE!” three voices ring out.

My eyes water instantly. Julian, Rachel, and Pradeep stand on the porch. Julian holds a glass baking dish out, a neatly iced cake inside. The colors are simple but obvious: pink, purple, and blue. In cursive, the white icing atop the bi pride colors reads, “You’re not all bi yourself!”

Rachel stands on Julian’s right in her cutest, frilliest pink dress. She holds a large, brown teddy bear holding a red heart. Her smile is wide and sweet.

Pradeep is on Julian’s left as he holds yet another bouquet of flowers. Bright blue petals, rich yellow centers – the most beautiful daisies I’ve ever seen. And funnily enough, they match Pradeep’s top perfectly; his blue button up and the long-sleeved, yellow shirt beneath it.

I can’t think of anything to say.

“We wanted to check up on you; we have to look out for each other. We also thought, given the circumstances, you’d enjoy a little cake,” Julian says. “I do hope we’re not intruding.”

While I’m still speechless, Rachel gasps and takes a step forward. “O-M-squee! Are you Randy’s boyfriend? You’re so cute!” she chirps.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Thanks,” Junpei chuckles. He’s right behind me, one of his hands on the small of my back.

“Would you care for some more company, Randall?” Julian asks, that always creepy tone dripping from his every word. I’ve never known what his whole deal is but right now, that doesn’t matter.

I welcome them inside, and Junpei tells them this is a shoes-off household. He isn’t lying, per say. It’s only been shoes-off since he started coming over. I don’t know how he did it but for the most part, from us to my parents, we usually take our shoes off when we get home now. It’s just one of those magical things about him.

We all gravitate towards the kitchen, so we can dig into this cake. As I grab some plates and forks, a thought hits me. “Wait, you guys still wanted to come and…do this despite what Debbie Kang said?”

Pradeep, elbows on the counter, rolls his eyes. “Debbie Kang’s accused every band member of stealing the missing instruments – twice.”

Rachel nods eagerly by his side, brushing some of her wavy brown hair behind her ear. “Debbie’s usually nice and all, but you get sick of being the pseudo villain pretty quickly. Besides, all the mean stuff she said and wrote about you didn’t sound like you.” She leans back in her seat, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. “You can be a huge jerky shoob sometimes, but you’ve got a good heart.”

Julian takes the first slice of cake and passes it to Pradeep. He passes the second to Rachel and keeps the third for himself. “Not to mention,” he adds, “you don’t out someone with good intentions. We figured there was a side of the story we weren’t getting.”

“Oh hoh, there is,” Howard cuts in. “There’s a huge honkin’ side of it you don’t know.” So, we tell them. We explain Seth’s weird and manipulative behavior when I dated him, the break-up, and the horrible things he’s done to Junpei. I make sure to detail how Seth apparently doesn’t exist but we keep crossing paths.

When everything’s said and done, we’ve all had our share of cake. These three banded together during a study hall and baked it for me. Howard unknowingly helped them when Rachel asked what my favorite flavor was this morning…and where I lived. Howard said he didn’t make the connection when she asked. He was too focused on avenging me.

“Talk about unnecessary violence. I can’t believe that Seth guy’s just out there somewhere,” Pradeep says with a shake of his head.

“Where’d the thing about you ‘having the audacity to flirt with lesbians’ come from?” Rachel asks.

Junpei and I collect everyone’s plates and forks to put in the sink. I rinse them off a bit as I pile them in. “No clue. It was probably some wonk cheese Seth said.”

“Randy only ever flirts with me and Howard,” Junpei teases. I nudge him in the ribs and he hip bumps me in response.

Howard shoves the rest of the cake in the fridge. “I’m irresistible – it can’t be helped,” he gloats. He shoots a finger gun and a wink Julian’s way. “Moreau, I know I saw you eyeing up this eye candy!”

Our friend’s pale face lights up pink, and his eyes dart to the floor. He fans himself with a nervous chuckle. I thought Howard was bluffing. By the looks of it, he was bluffing ‘cause now his expression is a tad uncomfortable.

Howard backtracks. “How about we go make a mess of Cunningham’s save file in CyberGrave? Eh?” Our guests’ faces break into smiles, and Howard leads them in a hurried march up to my room before I can protest. I try to follow to prevent the damage but Junpei stops me.

“Hey, why’s that Julian guy in coattails and a top hat? And…why does he talk like that?”

I shrug. “He’s goth.”

“He’s kinda creepy.”

“That’s like his whole thing, Junie.” I throw my arm around his shoulders and start our journey to rejoin the group – the group that’s totally laying waste to my CyberGrave character. I have other games. They could play literally anything else. “Don’t worry. I’ll protect you from the spooky, spooky goth man.”

Chapter Text

The six of us spend a decent chunk of time messing around in CyberGrave. We take turns punching and robbing random civilians, passing the controller off whenever my character dies. We egg each other on, backseat game, and pass around a playful banter. It’s nice. It’s especially nice to know there are people outside of my tiny social circle who don’t inexplicably hate me.

At one point, we take a break and just chat. Julian leads the conversation, discussing how difficult it was for him when he first came out. His parents accepted him, but showing any bit of pride at school made him a target. When he truly embraced the creepy goth side of himself, however, a lot of people backed off.

The gay kid’s also the freaky goth? The freaky goth who speaks in poems and might know how to lay a curse on your very soul? No one wanted to mess with him. I think I remember that. In seventh grade, he started wearing vampire fangs and reciting random phrases in Latin.

It didn’t take long for people to lay in on him for being a huge weirdo, though. “Admittedly, the bullying over my aesthetic is much less severe,” Julian says. “I’ve been hoping for a gothic takeover but alas, no such luck. One day, everyone will learn to appreciate the beauty of the macabre.”

Junpei pulls himself closer to me, both of his arms wrapped around my left arm. He hums a soft, uneasy note. Julian’s on the other side of Howard, but the distance doesn’t seem to matter to him.

Howard, Junpei, and I have managed to make one beanbag chair work between us. Julian and Pradeep share the blue one. Rachel’s been sitting on the floor in front of both beanbag chairs. She was leaning against Pradeep’s legs, but now she’s turned towards us.

“I’ve barely come out,” Pradeep says as he scratches his face. “I don’t know how much I want to while we’re still in high school. I’d like to but it’s scary.”

Rachel looks on sympathetically. “Oh, you don’t have to. I don’t think it matters as long as you’re out to the people you trust”

Pradeep shrugs. He brushes a strand of hair out of his face. “I’m tired of trying to hide it all the time. I’m tired of sneaking around with pads and tampons, I’m tired of hiding in the farthest corner of the locker room to change for gym…and I’m tired of slouching all the time.” He absently rubs his hand across his chest. “My binder helps me pass a lot but I’m afraid someone’ll notice and figure it out. I’m so tired of being afraid.”

“I’ve been there,” I say quietly.

Pradeep nods. “I’d hate to be where you are, now, Randy. A target, a social pariah, a well-labeled ‘freak…’”

Rachel rubs a sparkly part of her dress’ skirt, her eyes thoughtfully on the ceiling. “We’re all ‘freaks’ in our own rights but at least we haven’t been thrown into the spotlight.” She smiles sadly. “You guys are pretty lucky your parents support you. I know being aromantic and asexual isn’t comparable to most other identities, but it still isn’t easy. My parents keep saying I’m just a late bloomer and my love for cutesy stuff is just me refusing to grow up – it’s a phase.”

I blink. She did not just say her experiences aren’t that bad and follow it up something horrible.

My boyfriend’s cheek rests against my shoulder. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him wince. “Your experiences might be different but that doesn’t devalue them. You may not have to deal with same-sex issues, but I know I’ve faced some aphobia that mirrors homophobia exactly.”

Rachel’s green eyes brighten and focus on us. “You’re asexual, too?”

“Yeah, Randy and I both are.” While Rachel’s jaw slacks, Junpei keeps talking. “When I came out, a lot of people seemed okay about the whole gay thing but apparently not experiencing sexual attraction or not wanting to you know is just a step too far.”

Our friend’s expression falls. Her brows knit together and her smile fades. Sheepishly, she says, “‘I can fix you’?”

Junpei nods. “Hands down, one the worst things anyone’s ever said to me.”

Worry and anger prickles my mind. My hand instinctively cups Junpei’s cheek. He looks up at me enough to silently tell me he’s okay. Meanwhile, Julian and Pradeep chime in, saying they’ve been told that, too.

I exchange a look with Howard, our mutual concern meeting between us. He sighs. “There’s a good reason the LGBT community is a community. You dweebs need each other.”

Rachel beams as she shifts herself onto her knees. “We need people like you, too! Do you have any idea how sweet you are?” Suddenly her hands are on Howard’s face, thoroughly squishing his cheeks. He tries to push away but she’s pretty persistent. “Look at this face! Who couldn’t trust a face like this?” she awes.

“Dude, personal space!”

I guess that explains how Howard knew these three were LGBT.

Kinda.

…

No it doesn’t. Howard’s a huge shoob. Why the juice is he so approachable with such personal, private information? I guess he doesn’t judge people for their identities but cheese, the guy’s so critical and rude sometimes. I love him but c’mon!

An hour or so later, Mom makes a surprise appearance with two bowls of chips, a pitcher of ice water, and a stack of cups. She’s home early – by a couple of hours. She’s been texting me and Howard all day to check on us. We’ve still been answering her since everyone else got here, but I guess her worry drove her home sooner anyway. Parents, y’know?

“Look who’s having a party without me!” Mom laughs, tray of refreshments in hand. She sets it on my coffee table, her smile tired but wide. “If you kids need anything, I’ll be right downstairs.”

Everyone thanks her, and she ruffles my hair before she goes.

An hour and a half later, the snacks have dwindled and the room’s energy has grown tired. Junpei’s half asleep in my lap, my asexual pride blanket over our legs. I’m a little worried about getting Julian, Rachel, and Pradeep to leave until Julian checks his phone. He gasps. “Is that the time?! Father wanted the hearse home twenty minutes ago!”

Junpei’s eyes snap open. Very, very quietly, I hear him say, “Hearse?”

Rachel and Pradeep slowly stand, stretching and yawning. They’re not nearly as worried. Pradeep does make the effort to ask, “You’re still driving us home, right?”

Julian sighs, “Yes, yes, I suppose.” He stands, immediately fishing his keys out of his pocket. “Post haste, my dearest familiars. If we don’t return the hearse soon, my ever cadaverous companion Tyler will not be the only decapitated head on my mantle.”

My boyfriend turns his face into my chest. Muffled and at least mildly distressed, he whispers, “What?”

“Randall, I do hope we were able to lift your spirits in your time of woe. Do remember that you are not alone.” His eyes frantically dart around until he checks his phone again. “Talley-ho, now. Before Father realizes the hearse is missing.”

“I need to take my binder off first,” Pradeep says. He starts unbuttoning his blue over-shirt and heading for the doorway, probably aiming for the bathroom down the hall. “I overdid it today. Ow, ow.”

Julian scurries downstairs to presumably start the hearse and pull it out of our driveway. Rachel lingers, shoving her hands in her pockets – wait, since when do dresses have pockets?

“Since we know the whole story,” she says, “would it be okay if we defended you at school? Like, if we hear some shoob being a total jerkwad nearby?”

“Oh, yeah, totally. Thank you.” I pause. “You guys don’t have to do that, though.”

Rachel waves a hand. “Of course we do! We have to look out for each other, silly!” She leans down, hand extended to Junpei. He’s sitting up a little more, his legs still draped over mine. “And it was so nice to meet you, Junpei! You’re such a sweetheart!”

My boyfriend meets her hand, offering his thanks and goodbyes. Howard tries to get away with just fist bumping Rachel but she isn’t leaving without a hug.

Pradeep pops his head in the room long enough to say goodbye and grab Rachel. Julian honks the horn twice as they go down the steps. Once they’re all long gone, Junpei sits up and peers out the doorway uncomfortably. “Why…did Julian come…in a hearse?” he asks slowly.

Howard chuckles. “Ever hear of the Moreau Mortuary & Memorial Parlor?”

My boyfriend furrows his brow. I think he has.

“His parents are like fifth generation funeral freaks.”

Junpei shoves his face in his hands. Muffled, he exclaims, “And he drove a hearse here?! Gross!”

I pat his shoulder before delivering something worse: “Junie, he drives that to school.”

He shakes his head. His hands drop, the stress of Julian’s entire existence plaguing his face. “Who the juice was Tyler and why does he have his honkin’ head on his mantle?!”

Howard and I explain the entirety of last year to him. From my first fight against a stanked student to the final battle with Evil Julian and the Sorcerer. We probably miss some things, but we somehow definitely don’t miss the part where I took advantage of Rachel being a Ninja superfan that one time. Howard.

When my best friend explains in painstaking detail – which doesn’t make any sense because he wasn’t even there for it – how I basically got Rachel to wait on me hand and foot. She shined my weapons, she brought me food, and she toted me around on a rickshaw. Junpei is appalled to say the least. “Randall Victor!” he scolds.

Don’t know where he got my middle name from.

“Rachel’s such a nice person!” He lightly jostles me in our shared seat. Howard scooched over to the vacant beanbag chair, safe from the angry disappointment in Junpei’s eyes. “Why would you do that?!”

“I got a little carried away and a lot self-absorbed,” I admit. “I get a lot of praise as the Ninja, but I also get a lot of backlash. I also have easy wins and difficult battles – speaking both as myself and as the Ninja. That wasn’t a great week for me…until I ran into Rachel singing a song about the Ninja.” I shake my head, cringing as I recall all the wonk stuff I had her do for me. “I’ve changed a lot since freshman year.”

“Nah, I think you’re still the same amount of stupid,” Howard cuts in.

“Not helping.”

“Not sorry.”

Junpei sighs thoughtfully, leaning his head on my shoulder. He rubs the cuff of his stolen hoodie. Ultimately, he takes my hands in his and decides, “It takes a real man to admit his faults.” He looks up at me, his smile warm and forgiving.

“That sounds like some real wonk NinjaNomicon cheese, Kawakami,” Howard says flatly.

“Don’t make me come over there, Weinerman.”

Howard taps his chest with both hands, eyes wide. “You wanna go?”

Junpei, not wearing his prosthetic and certainly not a fisticuffs guy, tries to get out of my lap. He smiles from ear to ear. “Yeah, c’mere!” I keep my arms snuggly around his waist. He’s not going anywhere, and Howard’s just holding his fists up like a Slap Slap Fighter Jamboree character’s idle animation.

Why are they like this?

Chapter Text

That night, the ceiling becomes my refuge again. I can’t sleep. Tomorrow, I sit in front of Principal Slimovitz’s desk, Howard by my side and my mom behind me. Tomorrow, Debbie Kang gets to plea her case of the Great Outing of ’14.

Howard snores softly on my sofa, and Junpei lays snuggly on my chest in bed. His phone light, although at its dimmest, shines just outside of my vision. Hints of the blue light leak onto the white ceiling but it’s nothing noteworthy.

Mom was a little hesitant to let Junpei and I share a bed for the night, but we won in the end. Half of it was “oh no, two teenagers in one bed?” and the other half was “this whole loft bed situation isn’t inherently accessible.” Junpei climbed the ladder like it was nothing, though, so that wasn’t really an issue.

The faint light on the ceiling fades.

“Koyo, are you awake?” he asks softly.

“Yeah.”

Junpei yawns semi-silently before slipping a hand up my shirt. His fingers lightly trace a circle on my side. “Can I ask you about Ninja stuff?”

“Of course.”

“Okay, so…the Ninja isn’t actually an 800-year-old dude. It’s someone new every four years? Why?”

“The original role of the Ninja was to protect the high school from the Sorcerer. The Sorcerer preyed on the vulnerable feelings of students and staff. Who better to navigate what the honk’s going on than a student?”

Junpei’s hand glides across my skin until he wiggles his fingers under my back. Goosebumps prickle my skin briefly. His hand’s so cold.

“But why isn’t it just one guy?”

Shaking my head, I explain, “Power corrupts the best of people. Once a Ninja completes his teachings, he learns the Ultimate Lesson and the NinjaNomicon mind wipes him, erasing all Ninja-related memories and adding whatever he’s learned into the book. It prevents bringing the worst out of the best.”

“So…one day, you won’t remember this conversation?”

“Probably not.”

Junpei goes silent, snuggly wrapping both arms around me and holding me tight. “That’s so scary,” he says quietly.

“Not really. It’s just the way things work.” Fear creeps up my throat. I’ve never been worried about that. The future makes me anxious; I’m here to live in the now. Or…so I thought.

Now, here I lay fearing the loss of every detail of the everything I ever have and will experience in high school. The Ninja identity is so intertwined with my own, who knows how much I’ll be able to take with me into adulthood. Will I even know I have a boyfriend?

I’ll remember Howard. He’s been in my life forever. Junpei, hasn’t…and he’s too closely coupled with the Ninja. When I get mind wiped for good, it won’t be a clean cut from everything. Then again, I don’t know if that matters. I’ll just fall in love with him again. It’d be hard not to.

I peek at my boyfriend. He’s been quiet for a while but he’s not asleep. His eyes search the woodgrain on the bed railing, his expression thoughtful. “What happens when you open the NinjaNomicon?” he asks.

Thank Ninja. We’ve broken away from the existential dread.

I chuckle. “What do you think happens?”

“Uh… It zaps information into your brain and it incapacitates you until you absorb it? I feel like it’s making you read but that doesn’t feel right.”

That’s the cutest thing he could’ve said, and he’s getting sleepy, so his voice is only getting progressively cuter.

“You’re kinda close. The Nomicon basically sucks my consciousness inside and throws me into a scene. It shows me a lesson – which is really a moral wrapped inside a riddle – and then it kicks me out.” I rub Junpei’s shoulder a little. “Sometimes I pursue lessons on my own, sometimes the Nomicon calls for me.”

Junpei gasps a tiny gasp. “Telepathy…”

“More like it glows and chimes. Sometimes, it even opens on its own and shloomps me itself. It’s a bit wonk but eh.”

Junpei sleepily repeats “shloomp” a couple of times. Then he yawns. “Can anyone be the Ninja?”

“Anyone who’s pure of heart, ridiculously brave, and unstoppable, yeah.”

My boyfriend smiles as he nuzzles his face into me. “Sounds just like you.”

Chapter Text

The morning comes and I’m borderline sick to my stomach. Anxiety and dread slosh together in an uncoordinated cocktail, stirring and erupting without warning. The few pieces of toast I dared to eat do nothing to combat it. I almost regret eating at all.

The car ride to the high school is quiet aside from the few times Mom speaks and the pop music on the radio. Junpei and I sit in the backseat together. I take the right window seat and Junpei sits in the middle, his head on my shoulder and our hands intertwined.

The world comes to a halt as Mom pulls into the school’s curved driveway, parking in front of the steps. The Weinermans’ green minivan is already here. Mr. Weinerman and Howard idle next to it, caught up in a serious conversation. Howard looks more annoyed than anything, though. His parents had him go home for breakfast and to do some chores he’d been avoiding. I imagine there were also some heated words over Howard’s suspension.

Despite all that, when we step out of the car, Mr. Weinerman smiles. “Catherine! It’s good to see you despite…eh, well, everything.”

Mom hums indifferently, her purse over her shoulder and a manila folder against her chest. “That little girl’s going down,” she growls.

“Ah, of course.” Mr. Weinerman clears his throat, his eyes wandering beyond my mother’s rigid anger. “You must be Junpei! Why, aren’t you a handsome young fellow! My Howie says you’re a bright kid, too. Maybe you’ll rub off on these two, eh?”

“Thank you, and uh, maybe.”

Mom presses past us, brow furrowed. Her sneakers make particularly loud taps against the cement. Her long black hair bounces somehow angrily against her back with each step. Mr. Weinerman sprints a couple of steps to catch up with her, hurrying into some quiet parent talk.

Reluctantly, we follow them. Howard doesn’t say anything, his arms crossed and face in a permanent state of disgruntlement. On the other hand, Junpei marvels at our school: “This place is huge. The funding here must be insane.”

All and any words are caught in my throat. When everything dislodges and I can feel some sort of other emotion, I’ll tell him the school funding isn’t great. They don’t have the money to replace all the missing instruments nor to improve much of anything.

Nonetheless, the massive white building looms over us. The part housing the main lobby is taller than the east and west wings on either side of it. Most of the school houses three floors, but the main lobby building stands above them for the inclusion of that big chandelier over the carp mosaic.

Up the white cement stairs are the three main doors, each one blue. Above them in a sort of overhang thing are three golden frames. The center frame houses a simple sunset, a halved circle in the bottom center, multiple lines stretching up and out to the rest of the frame. Similar pieces sit on either side of it, the sun part of them closer to the innermost bottom edges, almost hugging the square pillars separating them.

Beside the main lobby building is the clock tower. It rises far above everything else, the golden flagpole atop it making it even taller. For now, the blue school flag is absent from its usual post on the pole. The blue clock face remains, steadily keeping track of these most unwelcoming hours. It’s 9am but this is the last place I want to be right now.

We get up to the front doors and the adults head in. I stand uncertainly and wearily outside. My heart slams against my ribs, the sweat gathers in my palms…which is really unfortunate because you would not believe whose hand I’m holding right this very second.

Junpei isn’t coming in with us. He’s technically not involved in this. He could be a character witness so PSlimz doesn’t genuinely think I’m a horrible person. However, while PSlimz knows I’m a slacker and a mess up, I think he knows I’m not malicious. At least…I hope he still thinks that.

“Hey,” Junpei says softly, “wanna swap for confidence?” He tugs on the edge of my hoodie.

“I-I don’t know, Junie. I’m kinda sweating a lot.”

He chuckles before grabbing my hoodie by the shoulders, gently shimming it off me. “Yeah, I can tell. You need this, though.” He tosses the hoodie to Howard long enough to take off his cardigan and slip me into it. “Smells nice and fresh. Dryer sheets, strawberries, and love.”

Hoodie over his arm, Junpei pecks my lips. “You’ve got this, Koyo.”

I don’t know that I’ve got this. Once we’re in PSlimz’s office and Mom starts in on the lack of care in the school staff and the students, I’m gone. I’m sitting perfectly still in the wooden chair, hands folded but I’m not here. The world escapes me or, rather, I escape it. I’ve tuned out almost completely. It’s like I’m watching myself from an outside perspective. I’m just watching some sadsack kid who’s supposed to be the “ridiculously brave” Norrisville Ninja sit helplessly in a chair.

Howard nudges me but I barely notice. “Your mom practiced this. Look at her go,” he says.

I hum absently.

“Cunningham?” he whispers.

Mr. Weinerman pats his son’s shoulder, shushing him.

Man, I could puke right now. Why do I even have to be here?

The door opens behind us and the room’s atmosphere shifts entirely. PSlimz’s stressed eyes shift from my mom to the newest additions to the situation: Debbie Kang and her mother. “Miss Kang, please, take a seat,” the principal instructs, raking his thinning hair back. “We have a lot to discuss.”

Mrs. Kang shakes her head, her bobbed curls shaking with it. “My daughter was exercising her rights as a journalist. If she can’t report on the bad natured, utilizing the First Amendment and the freedom of the press, then what’s the point?” she states matter-of-factly. She crosses her arms, a thin brow raised. “I’m sure she faces enough restrictions as it is and she’ll continue to do so as she pursues her career.”

Mom shoots daggers across the few feet of air that separate them. “Did you read the article your daughter wrote about my son?” she snarls.

“I don’t need to read an article about a liar and an abuser.”

Principal Slimovitz interrupts before Mom can become a felon. “Now, now. This is not the time for hostility. We need to take this slowly and go over the facts. Once that’s settled, we’ll discuss an appropriate punishment for Miss Kang.”

“Punishment?” Debbie Kang echoes. “For what? Telling the truth?”

Howard scoffs. “That was hardly the truth and you know it, Kang.”

An argument almost breaks out but PSlimz quells it before it begins. “No, no, no. Let’s start from the top. We’re here because an article was written about Randy Cunningham in poor light and with poor intentions. An article that indirectly encouraged students to bully him. This was only further exacerbated when Debbie summarized the article on a publicly broadcasted MeCast.”

Mrs. Kang rolls her eyes. “You can’t blame Debbie for the actions of other students. If her writing didn’t directly instruct people to cause harm, then it isn’t her problem.”

PSlimz tries to counter her but Mom’s quicker. “If she hadn’t put all that out in the open, there would be no bullying.”

“Actually, Mrs. C,” Howard interrupts, “we were kinda already dealing with some bullying before that. This made it worse.”

Mom’s floored for a moment. I feel her hand on my shoulder but I’m still not entirely present. “Well, things wouldn’t have escalated then – not like this. Your daughter’s caused irremediable damages.”

Wow, everyone’s busting out their thesaurus for this. Still wish I wasn’t here. I wish I could find something to pull me from this floating hell between reality and the void right now.

The argument PSlimz tried so hard to prevent ensues. I’m pulled further into this floating feeling. I’m just a body existing in a room. A body wearing fabric and sitting on a cheap wood finish.

Something vibrates in my pocket. I pull my phone out, a transparent notification over my current lockscreen: me kissing Junpei’s forehead while he’s asleep, his head on my shoulder. I open it, my glazed eyes staring senselessly at the text. It takes me a few minutes to comprehend that I’m even trying to read something.

When I come to, I smile.

Junpei: I love you!! <3

I hold my phone to my chest and take a deep breath. Mom and Mr. Weinerman are laying in on Mrs. Kang like she personally executed me. Meanwhile, Howard’s going back and forth with Debbie. Here I sit, finally in the room, not sure where I fit in.

I watch as PSlimz backs out of the argument, falling back in his chair and sighing. He grabs his white “World’s Best Cat Dad” mug and takes a big swig of his coffee. The mug clanks loudly back on the desk, and PSlimz stands. “THAT! IS! ENOUGH!” he shouts.

Everyone freezes, eyes wide.

“What’s happened is devastating, but we will all act like civil adults or so help me Ninja. Let’s all just take a breath and start from the top.” He exhales slowly and sits down, grabbing Mom’s manila folder from the desk and shuffling some papers back in it. “On November 12^th, Debbie Kang distributed hundreds of packets across the school – which is a violation of the school printing limit, might I add – detailing personal information about Randy and Howard. Correct?”

Debbie’s eyes narrow, her mouth in a firm frown. “Yeah.”

“Randy, Howard, did either of you consent to even a single interview regarding the contents of the packets?”

We both shake our heads, and Mom squeezes my shoulder.

“Debbie, how did you go about your ‘research’ for this packet?”

“I observed my surroundings…and I interviewed a few people.”

“Who exactly?”

She goes to say something but stops herself.

Mrs. Kang scoffs. “I don’t think that’s of any importance here, now is it?”

PSlimz glares at her before repeating the question. Debbie rattles off a few names, including Bucky Hensletter, Doug Thomas, and of course, Seth. Once she’s done, our principal raises an eyebrow. “And you found these secondhand and thirdhand sources reliable? More reliable than going to the source?”

“Well, I,” she pauses and blinks, “I’ve never found Randy and Howard to be reliable on their own. They practically ruin every school project they lay their hands on.”

“So you’d rather publish flawed and uncertain information? You’d rather endanger your journalistic integrity and publish libel?”

Debbie Kang stutters but ultimately has nothing to say.

PSlimz picks up one of the packets from the manila folder. There’s a plain one and one Mom’s made dozens of notes on in the margins. He clears his throat and flips the plain packet open to the second page. “Do tell, Miss Kang, where did this photo of Randy’s bedroom come from? The angle is a bit precarious.”

It’s a ground shot of my bedroom window set at a 45-degree angle, the curtains half drawn. Through them, you can plainly see the bright colors of my pride flag hanging from my bed. It still has some creases in it. That’s a little embarrassing.

“I imagine you didn’t ask permission to share this photo let alone take it.”

Debbie shakes her head.

PSlimz hums. “You’ve violated the privacy of your peers in more ways than one, and I’m disappointed to say the least.” His eyes dart up to Debbie’s mother and he points a finger, loaded with more than his scowl. “I do not want to hear it, Nari. I do not want to hear it.”

She goes on anyway. “These are children. Above all else, this is schoolyard drama.”

“We’ll sue your family to hell and back,” Mom snaps. She pauses for something before nudging Howard’s dad. Eyes narrowed, she hisses, “Mortimer?”

“Uhh, well.” He lowers his voice, eyes shifting uncomfortably. “I don’t think we can afford to go against the Kang, Fujimoto, & Rosenberg-Lewandowski Firm. They handle some of Mr. McFist’s cases, y’know.”

The principal shakes his head. “Let’s hold off on any hasty decisions. We can settle this here and now.”

Mom huffs. “What if we want to sue?”

PSlimz taps his desk hastily, expression hesitant. Ultimately, he glosses over the question and shakes his head, digging back into the manila folder. “The nitty gritty of everything aside, you need to understand what you’ve done. You outed two people, and you spread false information.”

Howard starts to raise a finger but I reach over and lower it. This isn’t the time for his “I’m not into dudes” specifics. He does smile a little, though. “Good to see someone made it back to Earth,” he whispers.

“Not for much. This is kind of a car wreck.”

“And ya can’t look away.”

PSlimz goes on, “You’ve endangered their wellbeing and their lives. I can’t even begin to express the blatant disregard for their safety or for their privacy. Adding the supposed ‘abuser’ narrative doesn’t help.”

Mrs. Kang sighs. “Oh, like these two are more important than us because they’re queers. Your desire to protect them is awfully heterophobic.”

Not looking away, PSlimz opens a drawer in his desk. From it, he grabs a rainbow mug, a fistful of rainbow pens and pencils, and three mini pride flags. “Say that to me again.”

No one speaks, the tension in the air somehow growing thicker.

“I am not here to give special treatment to anyone. I’m trying to protect those who need it. I’m here to ensure children are being treated properly and equally. When a student sees fit to breach privacy and journalistic laws, I have a problem with that. Am I biased because I’m gay? No, I’m educated on the dangers and consequences of what’s happened here.” Elbows on his desk, he leans forward and peers over his half-lensed glasses. “Are you?”

Wow, I didn’t think Principal Slimovitz had it in him to be so abrasive. This is kinda scary…but in the brucest way! Go PSlimz!

“Everyone gets bullied at some point for something,” Debbie Kang says suddenly. “If they were being bullied before, then why is this such a phenomenon?”

Slowly, I turn my head towards her. “Are you serious?” I ask, my voice a little hoarse. She eyes me like I’m freak – just like she wrote. “You have no idea what you’ve done to me, do you?”

“It can’t be that bad.”

I laugh a little. “I’m being shoved, flicked, and spit on. People throw things at me. I’m at the center of every conversation, and I’m hearing every possible slur and insult I could.” My smile grows as I sniffle. I feel like I’m going insane. “I’m getting death threats and harassment online. I’m not safe anywhere right now.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“Like cheese he is!” Howard snaps. “You haven’t seen him cry! You haven’t been worried about his-his will to live for the past two days!” He jumps when his dad grabs his shoulder again, whispering for him to calm down.

Mrs. Kang sneers, “Listen to your father, kid. That’s no way to talk to a woman.”

I watch Howard’s face turn three shades of red before he slumps in his chair, muttering mildly incoherent curse words under his breath. Mr. Weinerman, in turn, warns Mrs. Kang to watch her tone. A three-way parental glare is exchanged before PSlimz encourages us to continue our “discussion.”

“You wanna see the messages?” I ask, my tone rising further in disbelief. Phone still in hand, I pull up BuddyBook but PSlimz beats me to it, handing over a thick stack of papers from the manila folder. I don’t know when Mom found the time to compile everything, but she didn’t skimp on a single detail. Each page has one to four screenshots, each one with the sender’s username at the top. Mom’s working out an email list of each users’ parents and how to contact them. The list might even be in that folder – I’m not sure.

Debbie’s eyes skim the first page, the second page, the third… With each one her face pales. With a huff, she flips back to the top page. “This is stupid,” she mutters.

“Is it?” I snap. “I wanna be able to take Junpei to prom and-and every other stupid dance but I can’t.”

“No one’s stopping you.” She’s not even looking at me.

Pressure builds in my chest. “Every time I hold his hand, every time I hug him, every time I kiss him out in public, I worry about who’s around and who might’ve seen. I can’t just enjoy our time together.”

Debbie Kang sniffles but I can’t be sure why. “Well, maybe you deserve it.”

“For what?!” I exclaim, almost shouting it. “I don’t understand this! I don’t understand you! I’ve never done anything to you. I –”

My face falls. My breath hitches. I know.

“No… No! Are you honking kidding me?!” I almost jump up. I almost…lunge at her. But I don’t. Anger fuels me, igniting everything nonviolent in me with a burning, seething hatred. It leaves me shaking.

Doodle text appears on the floor, slipping in through the floor tiles. It’s plain and black, the corner of every letter sharp. “Sometimes the only way to push forward is to pull back.”

I take a deep breath. One after another. With each breath, I slink back into the chair. I’m either on the verge of a panic attack or puking. I jump as Mom and Howard lay concerned hands on me.

Slowly, I say, “You outted me for some petty revenge? Over something I said…months ago?”

The adults want to know what happened. It takes Howard a moment but as his brows draw together, he knows.

“Last summer, Theresa Fowler asked me if I was reading Debbie Kang’s blog. I said no. I said I had a grudge because she publicly announced she believed I was the Ninja. Theresa said I was an overly invested fanboy. I said Debbie Kang was a journalist with no moral compass and a drive to get ‘good scoops,’ no matter who she hurt in the process.” I pause, shooting daggers at the back of Debbie’s head. She won’t even look at me. “And I was right.”

Chapter Text

There’s arguing, there’s yelling…all while I sit here. I said what I needed to. Nothing more, nothing less. That floating feeling comes back good and hard. It grabs me and throws me into the void. I welcome it, and that’s where I stay for as long as I can.

Maybe twenty minutes later, I come to as Principal Slimovitz gets everyone to go quiet again. He removes his glasses, pinches the bridge of his nose, and sighs. “Look, this is a very messy situation. Debbie, if you don’t take responsibility here, you’re facing suspension and permanent removal from NHGTTWDPC, or possibly lawsuits and expulsion. You may be facing lawsuits either way, but is that really a risk you’re willing to take right now?”

I blink a few times as I absorb his words. All of that seems intense. Debbie Kang deserves to face consequences but…I don’t know. There has to be another way to resolve everything.

Doodle words, now brightly colored, drip from the edge of PSlimz’s desk: “Respect is the key that opens all doors.”

I shake my head, my own words falling out of my mouth before I can think. “Wait, I don’t want her expelled.”

Everyone but Mrs. Kang looks at me like I’ve grown a second head. There’s something snarky on the tip of her tongue but I have more to say.

“What you did was awful and completely uncalled for…but I know you can do better. You have more power than you realize, and I know you can use it for good.” I smile, albeit sadly. “This doesn’t have to be the end of everything. Maybe it can be start of something else.”

No lawsuits, no expulsion or removal from the school paper. Debbie Kang has to interview Howard, Junpei, and I and write a truthful article. She also has to maintain a community service log for the rest of the year, write an essay about the LGBT community’s marginalization in American history, and a third thing PSlimz will “think of later.”

Mom still wants to take the Kang family to court, but she respects the path I’ve taken and is actually really proud of me.

Howard still wants to bash in Debbie Kang’s moped but eh. At least his one-day suspension won’t be permanently on his school file. As long as he cleans up the journalism room on Monday, he’s off the hook.

All the students who harassed me online will be facing consequences one way or another. Howard’s able to give some names of the Norrisville students who were actively bullying me on Thursday. I can’t contribute; I was too far gone to identify anyone that day.

So, after all that’s said and done, Howard, Junpei, and I wait outside on the school steps. I need some room to breathe but I also need Junpei to smother me in love and reassurance. Mom had to leave for work stuff, but Mr. Weinerman’s gonna drop us off at O’Splendor’s Pancake Eatery when we’re done with the interview. For now, I think he’s watching cat videos while he leans against his van.

“You know, Koyo,” Junpei says, his arms draped over my shoulders as he leans on my back, “maybe you don’t have to abide by the Nomicon all the time. You could’a sued her so good.”

Howard’s on his back as he stares up at nothing. “Yeah, Koi-Boy, if you weren’t such a nicewad, you’d be rolling in compensation dough!”

I sigh. “I don’t know… That’s just not what I wanted.”

“What if I still wanna sue?” Howard asks pointedly.

“I guess you can, but your dad seems kinda spooked by that law firm.”

He grumbles, arms crossed. “Mort’s scared of his own shadow. He won’t go for it.”

One of the doors behind us creaks open. Debbie Kang sighs, a notebook and her tape recorder in her hands. “Let’s get to it then,” she says, her voice small.

Junpei leans off of me and stands, hands on his hips. “I think you owe someone an apology first,” he growls.

Scowling, Howard sits up. “Yeah, Kang. Apologize or leave. Cunningham might be a total nicewad but we’re not.”

Debbie’s eyes float from Howard to Junpei before landing on me. Her expression is lacking. She looks downtrodden at best but her mouth holds a tight line beneath her mauve lipstick. “I’m sorry I published private and inaccurate information about you. It…it was petty revenge. I took things – everything way too far. I’d take it back if I could.”

“Oh, that’s real nice but how about you say it like you mean it?” Howard snaps.

Junpei doesn’t miss a beat, his eyes narrowed. “Yeah, and maybe a ‘thank you’ for not getting expelled or taken to court?”

I stand up before anyone can push anyone else down the steps. We’ve already been here for an hour. We don’t need to add to that because one of these shoobs commits a crime. “Hey, hey, settle,” I interject. “I’ll take whatever I can get at this point. Let’s just get this over with so Randy can get a milkshake.”

Just like with Julian, Pradeep, and Rachel, we start from the beginning. I meet Seth, we go on some dates, he ditches me, and he comes back and he’s worse than before. The break up happens and when he gets weird about it, I flip him in self-defense. I meet Junpei, and Seth does everything he can to cause harm.

Debbie Kang’s brows knit together. “The Snow-klahoma fire was him?” she asks with the first genuine emotion I’ve seen her have today. She scribbles down the last few details. I feel like she missed the point, though.

“Yeah. He was trying to kill Junpei,” I stress. “We got lucky when the Ninja showed up and saved him.”

Junpei squeezes my hand and leans his head against mine. We’re all sitting on the ground again, the three of us across from Debbie Kang. I think Howard and Junpei have been glaring at her most of the time but that’s fine. That’s a lot better than them attacking her. I’m a little surprised by how willing Junpei was to get physical here; Howard, not so much.

“I’m just surprised he was able to do that and get away safely since he uses a cane.” She taps her pen against her chin. “Although, he could’ve just used a sled…or paid someone else to do it.”

My free hand rubs my knee tentatively. I have to make sure I add that Seth’s personal information was wiped from any and all records but first – “About that: he was really genuinely using a cane? He wasn’t walking with, like, a baseball bat with nails sticking out of it?”

Debbie Kang shakes her head. “He said he’s been using it since the breakup.”

That doesn’t sit right with me. I didn’t flip him hard enough to do any long-term damage. He walked away from our house perfectly fine. He attacked Junpei with a laser gun and disappeared seamlessly. He snuck into a public locker room and damaged Junpei’s prosthetic leg without a trace.

There’s no way I did that to him.

Chapter Text

Rain beats against my face as I scale the McIndustries pyramid. I’m almost to the top and I’m soaked. It started raining like two minutes ago, and it’s already a full-blown downpour. At least it’s raining at all. I have to contact the Raijū eventually.

The black clouds above me rumble and crackle. I’m not entirely thrilled about this but what else do I do on a Sunday?

“Does the suit protect him from the cold?” Junpei asks worriedly in my ear. He and Howard are in some business skyscraper with a perfect view of me. Howard figured out how to do a three-way call, so between three Bluetooth thingies, we’ve got perfect communication.

“Eh, maybe. He’s got a scarf.”

As I reach the top of the pyramid where a collection of antennas and satellite dishes sit atop this stupid thing, I hear Junpei sigh again. “Are you sure it’s okay we’re here? This is a real office. I don’t feel good about this.”

“We’re fine, Kawakami. Don’t get your cheese in a twist.” Howard addresses me next, “Alright, TGW, how’s the weather up there?”

I get a Ninja umbrella out from the scarf and put it up. I summon a burst of Tengu fire to dry me off. The umbrella survives it somehow. “Don’t make me come down there, shoobface-GW,” I deadpan.

“You okay, baby?” my boyfriend asks.

My tone picks up and I smile beneath the Ninja mask. “A little damp but it’s all good, Junie.”

I hear Junpei blow a raspberry at Howard before they start their own conversation. I just stand here and listen to the thunder. When it gets closer, I’ll start yelling into the clouds for a lightning dragon…like a normal person.

I get out my Ninja binoculars and peer into the clouds. The lightning is sparse so far but I’ve got high hopes.

“Are all the missions like this? Sitting and waiting?” Junpei asks.

“Nah. Sometimes, we have to solve a riddle and find a thing.”

Junpei hums. “Are they all this dangerous and stupid?”

“I mean... He might get struck by lightning here but one time – heheheh – one time –”

A burly voice comes over the line at a slight distance from either microphone. “What are you kids doing? You’re not supposed to be here.” I quickly turn from the sky to the building they’re in. Junpei and Howard stand behind one of those huge, single pane windows. Their binoculars hang from their necks, their attention on a man in a dull, grey suit.

Howard taps Junpei’s shoulder with the back of his hand. He clears his throat, fists on his hips. “What are we doing here? What are you doing here?” he sasses with a particular air of authority.

“Uh… I work here.” I can’t see this dude’s head but he’s holding a collection of white papers in his left hand.

“Do you?” Howard presses on. “‘Cause it looks like you’re slacking off to me. You’re just holding a bunch of blank papers to look busy. That’s the oldest trick in the book!”

The guy drops his papers to his side. He stutters, “You shouldn’t be here.”

“You shouldn’t be here. Have you finished that report like Frank wanted?”

“Uh…”

“Did you start it?” Howard asks, disappointed surprise in his voice. After a beat of silence, he blurts out, “Unbelievable!”

Junpei scoffs. “Frank wanted that report done yesterday, and you haven’t even started it?”

Howard glances at him, smiling ever so briefly. Then he’s back to serious mode. “Yeah, man, you know how Frank gets. His eyes bulge, that vein pops out on his neck – you know how bad that is for his blood pressure! Are you trying kill him?”

The office guy stutters something incoherent and takes a step backwards. He brings his papers to his chest, nervously tapping them before he disappears from view. After a couple of seconds, Junpei and Howard fist bump victoriously.

“Impressive!” Junpei chirps.

“Thank you, my good man. A+ contribution, by the way.”

Something’s said back but a massive, roaring thunder sounds off overhead. I flinch, my eyes darting across the dark clouds above me. Here goes nothing. “RAIJŪ,” I shout, “I CALL UPON YOU TO ASK FOR YOUR POWER!”

KER-ASH!

My vision goes white. I blink a few times to see sparks careening off a three-pronged lightning rod a few feet in front of me. Someone says something in my ear but I can’t make it out.

I take a breath. I don’t know how poetic I need to be about this. “RAIJŪ, HEED MY CALL! I STAND BEFORE YOU AS THE NINJA! I EXTEND MY BRANCH TO YOU, AND –”

More thunder roars out, shaking the building beneath my feet, deafening the world around me. I can’t even hear the rest of the words leave my mouth.

Feeling pretty stupid, I just stand here and breathe. I’m yelling into the sky on the tallest building in Norrisville during a lightning storm. For a dragon.

As I look across the city, I notice the rain letting up. The raindrops slow but the narrow space between them stays the same. Slowly, the soundscape around me becomes silent. The water around me has stopped, millions of raindrops hanging midair, millions more paused mid-splash against every surface.

I lower my umbrella. A perfect arch of sprinkled water above my head. I touch the Bluetooth in the Ninja mask. “Guys, you seeing this?”

Nothing.

“Guys?” I twist towards their lookout point, binoculars up. They stand side by side, motionless, their respective binoculars pinned on me. “H’oh boy.”

Electricity crackles behind me, followed by a deep, guttural growl, and I drop my binoculars. My blood runs cold. The Raijū.

I slowly turn on my heel, careful not to make any sudden movements. If this thing eats me, I think I owe Howard like 20 bucks.

Before me is a black mass, two piercing blue eyes staring back at me. Two short horns protrude from its forehead with three stretching back from either side of the head. Each horn’s tip is Ninja red, matching the fin-like thing running along its back.

Its body twists around the airspace, sleek and covered with black scales. Out of my peripheral, I can see the red tip of its tail – a paintbrush of fine, red hairs.

“Um, hey. I’m…the Ninja,” I say, voice quivering and cracking.

A quiet tension floats between us.

“Do you talk or…?”

The Raijū slowly blinks its huge eyes, a small burst of static buzzing in its nostrils.

“Of course not, of course not.” I clear my throat. I’m not sure how to talk to a dragon. Do I talk to it like it’s a dog or a person – or a horse? How do you talk to a horse?

No, no, no. Just…talk to it like it might eat you and you respect that.

With a lot of luck and a steady breath, I regain my composure. I’m careful not to dip into a theatrical inflection but I make myself heard. “I’ve called upon you to ask for your help. A great danger is on the horizon, and I need your power to stop it. The bond created by First Ninja was broken. So, in exchange for an eternal bond,” I produce a mountain of steaming hotdogs on a metal plate from the Ninja pocket dimension, “I’d like to offer you one of the Ninja Realm’s finest cuisines: hotdogs.”

The Raijū’s thin, pointed tongue breaches the air, its nostrils taking in this modern and delicious scent. I take a few steps and place the platter on the ground. Head down, Ninja sash curtsied, I leave the space I’ve invaded.

My stomach knots at the dragon’s talons rest on the edge of the building. It leans in, still sniffing and tasting the air. Once its snout is a few feet away from the food, its tongue snakes out of its mouth, slipping under the platter and lifting it seamlessly. Suddenly, it throws its head back, letting the entire thing fall into its mouth. Its jaw chews twice before it gulps everything down – platter included.

That thing could totally eat me and there’d literally be no evidence. Who the juice would believe a dragon ate me?! If they did, what would anyone do about it?!

I calm the panic in my mind and watch patiently. The dragon lowers its head, slowly licking its mouth. It blinks, my nervous reflection in its electric blue eyes.

“So,” I manage to say, “are we…good?”

Before I can think, the red tips of its horns and its back fin shift to purple and then light blue. Its eyes shine red as it a thunderous growl escapes its mouth. Blue electricity sparks between the six side horns, more energy following its fin. Blue currents crackle and snap between its long claws.

The mouth opens, a bright white light exploding from its throat. I shield my eyes, heart racing, fear at the forefront of my mind.

Once I think I’m dead, the Raijū rumbles warmly. I will myself to open my eyes. A glowing blue ball of electricity floats where the hotdogs once sat. I look from it to the Raijū. Its side horns are flared out like porcupine quills, the blue tips fading back to red as the horns reform themselves.

I catch my breath and approach the sphere. It fades as I get closer, a bundle of either quills or fine hairs. The bundle falls suddenly and I catch it. I breath slowly, finally able to smile. I swallow my fear and say, “Thank you.”

The Raijū nods once.

KER-ASH!

Without warning, I’m drenched to the bone again. An intense thunder rolls overhead. I scramble for my umbrella. This doesn’t feel real.

Voices clamber into my ear. Junpei and Howard are losing their cheese down there. So, I turn to them and hold out the bundle of black and red hairs.

Chapter Text

We make it home safe and sound. The rain carries on, the thunder still dancing in the sky, the Raijū behind it.

Howard splits off from the group briefly to get his sewing box. It might take a few minutes, though. He’s not sure where it is, apparently. Either way, we have to get a strand or two of this dragon hair into the Ninja mask. It won’t just schlorp into it, unfortunately.

So, Junpei and I take the time to throw together some hot chocolate and head up to my room. We gather the beanbag chairs and take up residence around my coffee table. “Howard can sew?” he asks.

“Yep. He makes all our costumes for our presentations, and they’re all so, so bruce! I keep telling him he should get involved with the drama club but he won’t do it unless I do, too.”

Junpei hums. “Interesting. He doesn’t seem like the sewing type.”

I chuckle. “Junie, that guy has the weirdest patchwork of knowledge out there – and I say that with so much love.”

“Example?” he asks, cutely tilting his head.

“He’s like an expert chess player but he doesn’t know what any of the pieces are called.”

Junpei laughs, “Really?”

“Yeah! You know what, when he comes back, we’ll ask him a couple of questions.”

Howard returns a little damp, the hard plastic box in his hand. It’s brown with the imprint of a wicker texture, and it’s covered in various stickers. There are Grave Puncher stickers, dinosaur stickers, and random, artsy ones in various art styles. The freshest one is a plain pride flag on top. It was from that pride thing we went to at the beginning of the school year. It either came with something he bought or he found it on the ground.

“Alright, shoobs, let the master do his work.” From his sewing box, he produces a silver standing magnifying glass. He sets it up and flicks on its light, pushing it towards the Ninja mask, which lays flat on the table. “Gotta find where those stupid Tengu feathers are,” he mutters. His eyes study the fabric, his fingers delicately moving and feeling the black threads.

I give Junpei a nod and stand up. I shimmy off my hoodie and grab my stolen cardigan. “Hey, Howard,” I start.

He does look up, his eyebrows moving only slightly. “What, Cunningham?”

“Are you gonna sew in the hairs with this stitch?” I point to where the big pocket is sewn into the inner left side. My best friend grabs the edge of the woven fabric and studies it.

“A ladder stitch? I don’t think so.” He focuses on the mask again. “That’s great for holding that stupid book but this is getting whatever the feathers have – which I imagine is just a cross-stitch.”

I smile at my boyfriend as I slip into the cardigan. Sitting back down, I grab my drink and flick my eyes between the two, bouncing my brows once with encouragement.

“Hey, Howard,” Junpei says.

Howard peers up, not moving, brow furrowed.

“What’s the meaning of Hanukah?”

His entire demeanor falls, and he leans back in his seat, hand over his eyes. “Uhhh… Pfff…”

I struggle not to laugh. I don’t wanna ruin this.

“Something, something… Eight days – eight nights! Eight - nine candles, eight presents.” He sighs, dropping his hand and picking up his hot chocolate. “Mmhm, yeah.”

Junpei hums thoughtfully. “But what’s the meaning of Hanukah?”

Howard’s eyes wander away from the question, mug to his lips. The gears visibly turn in his head, his gaze searching my sofa and wall for any possible answer. Then his eyes dart to me suddenly, wide with accusation. He slams down his drink, a finger aimed at me. “You shoob! You made him ask me that! You know I don’t know!” he shouts.

I burst out laughing. “Howie, you’re Jewish! You should know!”

“Oh yeah?! You’re Kawakami’s boyfriend! How long have you been together?!”

My eyes widen, my laughter coming to a halt.

“What’s today’s date? Do you even know what month it is?!” he prods.

I sink into the beanbag chair, a new stress overcoming me. Junpei, squished right next to me, snorts and cackles.

I did this to myself.

Chapter Text

When Howard finally finds the Tengu feathers, he finds something else – navy blue hairs sewn in right beside them. The Mizuchi hairs; the hairs of a terrifying water dragon that once laid waste to human life. Unlike the glimmering feathers or new, sleek hairs, the Mizuchi hairs are dull and worn.

As Howard starts securing the Raijū hairs, Junpei asks, “Do you have to find the Mizuchi and get new stuff from it? These look wonk.”

I shake my head. “It’s dead.”

My best friend, weaving a needle in and out of the magic fabric of the Ninja mask, smirks. He keeps his eyes on his work but raises an eyebrow. “This might be another Tengu situation, and let me be the first to say: not it.”

Junpei shifts uncomfortably, smoothing out the blanket over his lap. “What the juice does that mean?” he asks.

“Uhhhh, well…” I don’t think there’s a good way to say this. “If I release the Tengu from its prison, it possesses the nearest person. To regain its bond with the mask (and to trap it again), I have to chuck the mask into a fire.”