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‚I am so done.‘
| I know. |
‚I wanna destroy it all.‘
| But you won‘t, after all, I know you. |
‚Really?‘
.
.
.
He hugs the bottle that he had nearly emptied at an alarming pace, especially considering that he had already drunk another bottle of wine just before.
A normal human would have died of poisoning without doubt.
But Shinya wasn‘t a normal human anymore.
Not when even his demon tried to comfort and stop him.
Even Byakkomaru was concerned he wouldn’t be able to detoxify his body fast enough.
Shinya was definitely not in the right headspace, had not thought straight for about three hours already, he noticed as he gazed at the clock swiftly.
It was in the middle of the night.
Alcohol was nice.
Made him forget what it felt like to feel responsible.
Made him forget his actions had consequences.
Then he heard the door click.
Could only mean someone from the squad returned.
He made some effort to hide the bottles, then he realised who it was.
Guren Ichinose.
‚I could start destroying with this friendship, couldn‘t I?‘
| If you think it helps. |
‚I feed you desire and you still try to stop me? Are you really a demon?‘
| I care about you, Shinya. |
Without a word he stood up from the table to walk towards his best friend.
His best friend he feels so much adoration for he thinks it might suffocate him.
„Shinya?“ he hears the other ask in a concerned voice.
Yeah, he probably didn‘t walk up to him in a straight line. Honestly it was a wonder he even walked up to him without bumping into something.
„Shinya?“
Again. So much concern.
„Are you ok? Are you... drunk?“
Right on the money.
Shinya chuckled dryly.
‚Destroy.‘
| Are you sure you won‘t regret it? |
‚I won‘t ever have the confidence to do this again.‘
He leans in.
He’s surprised when Guren puts his hands around his waist gently.
„ Don‘t give me hope.“ he hisses as he puts his hands around the others neck and despite his vision being blurry from the alcohol he could clearly see the sincerely concerned look in the violet eyes that fixated on him.
For a moment he thought he might not be able to destroy it after all.
Just how Byakkomaru said. In the end he would be the well trained dog he his and stick to his morals. Stick to the standards society made for him. Stick to what was caging him.
„For what am I giving you hope?“ he could sense how confused Guren was in his voice.
Shinya only bumped their foreheads together as an answer and started playing with some strands of the other‘s hair.
Their breaths mixed together because of the current proximity and Shinya wished the moment would last forever. With the gentle grip on his waist and the warm breath against his lips, he might even start to feel like he‘s cared about.
And a tiny shimmer of hope still stays in his heart.
„Yeah, you‘re definitely drunk. How much did you drink?“
Shinya clicks his tongue in annoyance because Guren moved his face away to speak. He makes a frustrated face and tightens the grip he had on the back of Guren‘s head, pulling him back in.
„Shinya, I‘m definitely not in the mood for one of your pranks.“
Still, he made no move to leave at all.
| If you really wanna destroy it, you should get to the point. |
‚So the desire did tempt you.‘
Shinya shifts his weight as he puts his head on Guren‘s shoulder.
„How drunk are you?“
But he doesn‘t care, he made it his goal to rip apart this friendship tonight, so he will.
He licks a place right above Guren‘s collar before placing a kiss there. Snakes his hands around his neck to open the collar.
But he stops.
He remembers that there‘s consequences for the blink of an eye.
He‘s pulled back to reality as he feels his head being pressed against the other’s neck and Guren shift to give him better access.
The tiny spark in his heart catches fire.
Confidence rushes through him and he feels encouraged to suck the spot.
Hazily he looks at the hickey for a second before moving upwards.
As he steadily kisses and sucks his way up Guren‘s neck he feels the other pull him close. So close they probably could not get any closer anymore.
As Shinya get’s to his face he starts kissing his cheeks, hears his quick breath against his ear.
| Are you really destroying anything? |
‚I don‘t care what exactly I do, this is everything I‘ve craved for the last four years.‘
He places a kiss at the edge of his lips, but before he can really get to kiss him the reins are taken from him.
He feels a hand at his mouth stopping him, pushing him away just slightly.
„You are not in the right headspace, are you sure you won‘t regret this?“
Guren asks, once again with no intention to actually push him away.
He barely stops him.
He whines as he has to move away from the hand to speak.
„You sound just like Byakko...“ he mumbles, not aware of how much he slurs his words.
„..., please let me.“
„Why?“
His emotions sure jump in this state of drunkenness. He suddenly feels angry and wants to cry all the same.
He furrows his eyebrows.
„Why? Really? This... This is everything, no, the only thing I craved, desired to happen these past four years!“ he suddenly screams.
Startled by his own emotional outbreak his eyes grow wide.
„I‘m sorry.“ he adds and lets his head fall on Guren‘s shoulder once again as he sights.
He regrets it, he regrets ever falling in love with this idiot named Guren Ichinose as silence follows for a second or two.
„Kids and drunk people speak the truth, don‘t they?“ he hears Guren whisper as he takes his chin and guides him to look at him again.
„Now, don‘t start crying.“
He started crying? Damn, feelings.
„How about you drink a glass of water and then continue this if you still think it‘s a good idea?“
He merely nods slightly before being guided to the kitchen.
‚You‘re right. I was only able to go through with it after he gave approval.‘
| You are a good person. |
‚I hate being a good person.‘
The water tastes good, cools his throat. Nothing like the alcohol he drank the past hours.
He places down the glass.
‚Did I … really do it?‘
| Yes, you did. There‘s no backing out of this one now. But the real question is: Did you destroy or strengthen this bond? |
Despite it having only been one glass of water his mind felt a thousand times clearer and slowly but surely his sense of responsibility came back to torture him.
„Better?“ he hears the his best friend ask next to him.
His best friend he feels so much love for that he thinks his heart might burst.
Only now did he realise Guren‘s hand was still firmly placed on his waist to support him. Throughout it all, his hand had not left its place on his hip.
The spark that caught fire in his heart dared to burn him whole.
He felt like something was stuck in his throat.
The words wouldn‘t come out.
All he could do was stutter as a blush spread on his face.
He heard Guren chuckle slightly next to him, he wouldn‘t dare look at him.
„You just realised what you did, didn‘t you? It‘s fine. I know that emotions can be too much sometimes.“
‚Byakkomaru, help me. Give me enough courage to speak my mind.‘
„It‘s not like I regret anything. I wanted it, it‘s just like I said, I craved it for the last four years.“ he spoke with newfound confidence as he manages to look up.
„Do you mean you craved the physical closeness or the emotions that come with it? Or both?“
He was overwhelmed with the question.
He didn‘t know what to answer. But Byakkomaru did, after all he could feel everything Shinya felt.
„I... craved you .“
He wanted to internally punch himself... or Byakkomaru? Whoever said that should be punched in the guts, that was the point he was trying to make to himself.
„ Me ?“
‚What did you do!?‘
| I merely conveyed what you felt into words. |
‚And how am I going to save myself now?‘
| Simple. You don‘t. You confess. |
‚Sometimes I hate you.‘
„N-Not how you think! I mean yes, I did hope to end up in your arms at one point, b-but that‘s not the point now! I- I am... was? Whatever! I just feel like if I keep all of this locked inside my heart any longer, let all of these feelings suffocate me any longer, I‘m going to loose my mind.“
He took a deep breath.
„Woah.“
He could only laugh at himself.
„Shinya, does that mean-“
„ Yes! Yes, it does mean that I‘ve been hopelessly and devastatingly in love with this idiot that I called best friend for years in a sad attempt to convince myself this is entirely platonic!“ he kept rambling.
It was already destroyed, he had successfully reached his goal for that night.
Now it was useless to hold back.
Just as he took another breath to keep digging his own grave deeper, keep talking, he felt himself be turned to the side.
But before he could recognise anything he was pulled into a kiss.
Soft, yet just as craving as he felt.
He was pulled close, warmth spreading through all of his body, a very different kind of warmth than the warmth alcohol made him feel.
This warmth was comforting, telling him everything was going to be fine .
And he felt like crying, because he hasn‘t felt so secure since... maybe ever.
They separated.
His brain didn‘t seem to work. The words spilled out of his mouth without him even recognising.
„I love you.“
„I know.“
And he leaned in again, hoping to feel the sensation of feeling loved again.
And he did.
His mouth opened nearly instinctively to let Guren in.
He felt their tongues collide, their teeth bump.
It felt new, weird, but so good all the same.
But not only their bodies collided, their feelings just as much and Shinya was sure, this adoration and longing was mutual.
Guren’s hands trailed his sides and his own hands had found their place around the other‘s neck again.
As they separated their breaths were quick, pants more so.
„I love you too.“
He could only smile affectively. He was so, so overwhelmed with everything .
„I- I also craved this.“
Now he could laugh lightheartedly. He already knew, but hearing it just made it a thousand times better.
Maybe his silent pining had been useless, but what‘s a love story without some suffering?
Right, too good to be true.
| Finally, you oblivious idiots. |
‚I thought you hated Guren.‘
| I do. But you love him and I care about you. |
„Please tell me this all isn‘t just a dream.“
„It‘s not.“ Guren assures him.
„You‘re still getting revenge for the hickeys earlier.“
Shinya only has enough time to make a surprised noise before Guren launched himself at his neck with a mischievous grin plastered on his face.
He slapped one of his hands over his mouth as a yelp nearly escaped him when Guren started sucking just like he did earlier.
And just like he did, Guren steadily made his way up to Shinya‘s face, but unlike him, he kissed towards his ear.
„You‘re so adorable like this.“ he whispered and Shinya felt a shiver go down his spine with a deep blush spreading on his face.
„But definitely still not of sound mind.“ he added casually.
„Huh?“
„By the amount you drank it‘s a wonder you didn’t pass out by now.“
It was. That little glass of water didn‘t work wonders, barely helped Byakkomaru catch up with the detoxification of his body a tiny bit.
„We should both go to sleep. It has been a long day for me and you should get sleep for obvious reasons.“
He nodded, it sure has been a long day.
Just as he tried to move away to get to his room he was stopped by the hand still holding around his waist.
„Where do you think you‘re going?“
„To my room? To go to sleep?“
„Yeah, no. You started this and I‘m not letting you go tonight.“
That argument had absolutely no logic behind it, he noted on the side lines.
But he complied nonetheless.
„Fine, I’ll take responsibility for starting this.“
He was ready to follow Guren to his room and stay the night there, but he wasn‘t ready to be picked up bridal style and be carried to said room.
He yelped in confusion then held on tightly to the other.
He knew Guren would never drop him, but if he wouldn’t let him go for the night, Shinya certainly wouldn’t as well.
And maybe because so much happened or he was just exhausted in general or the alcohol caught up, he didn’t even remember entering Guren‘s room that night.
He fell asleep while still being carried down the relatively short corridor.
To the warmth spreading from Guren.
To their hearts beating in union.
To a gentle kiss to his forehead.
.
.
.
| „Destroy“ he says. |
‚In the end I strengthened the bond, didn‘t I?‘
| You know very well what you did. |
‚Now come on, don‘t be mad! I‘m happy!‘