Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Death

Today simply isn’t my day.

“Guaaugh.”

I whimper in pain as I hold my pouring throat. I lay on the floor spazzing and choking on my own blood mixed with puke. A pool of slick red formed under my throat, it coated the concrete sidewalk horribly.

My shirt was coated with blood as well. My chin, my hands, my cheeks. My bloodshot eyes waver in distress as I watch people gather around me. Their phones flashing in bright lights as the sound of screaming mixed with sirens poured into my ears.

Their eyes were frantic but to me, it seemed as if they were blank, emotionless, cold. As if they weren’t viewing me but the situation that blanketed me. Yes, their eyes were cold to me but not to the situation that I found myself in.

“Huughah.”

I coughed out blood, and a few bits of undigested food came bowling out as well. My nose starts to swell up with blood, leaking out like juices from a squeezed orange. I’m scared, terrified beyond everything I’ve felt before.

I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared.

I kept gazing around frantically, scared, terrified, till my eyes reached my tongue that laid before me. I touched my teeth with my tongue, flopping it everywhere but soon came to realize that I must have bitten it off during my spaz.

More blood began to flood over my lips, my teeth coated in oily blood. I felt rigid, deadly cold crawl into me while the warmth of life was kidnapped away from me. 

Before I knew it, people in paramedic outfits hoisted me up on a stretcher and loaded me into an ambulance. The paramedic’s yells overpowered the wailing sirens. My ears were full of their yells, but slowly they started to blur, and dwindle into haziness.

They put an oxygen mask and all sorts of medical equipment on me. They pressed down on my throat, trying to suppress the bleeding. Their eyes moved frantically as well—It was the same as before—They didn’t stare at me, they stared at the situation that wrapped itself onto me.

—Jeez, I’m going to die aren’t I?

I guess I’m alright with this. Sure, I bet mom and dad and probably my siblings are going to mourn for me. My younger brother may not if I’m being honest with myself, doesn’t seem the type to mourn for anyone. I like it that way, they should just cry a bit and move on, I want them to forget about me.

Honestly—I’m not an existence that should be remembered after its death. I’m not the depressed type who says that because they feel insignificant, I’m rather the type of person who doesn’t care to be remembered.

But if they remember me, then there’s nothing I can do. I’m going to die soon anyways.

My vision starts to blacken, the edges consumed by the nothingness of death. The yelling and wailing of sirens started to haze until it finally became static. Judging by the paramedic’s hazy movements, they're getting scared.

—Ah, sorry guys. Y’all probably wanted to save me—Or save a life. Yeah that sounds better. You guys don’t even know my name, you guys are just doing your jobs is all. Hopefully you can also forget about this encounter with me. But remembering how many paramedics write out their regrets on Sub–Reddits. I bet my death is going to leave a sour taste in your mouth.

Huh, You know, I thought I would have been terrified to die. Oh wait—I was. If I could chuckle I would. I wonder how that works, I was so scared at the beginning of all this—And now. Now I’m accepting.

Not that I’m not scared anymore. No. I’m still terrified of where I’m going after my death. I'm no religious person by any means necessary—I was raised as a christian but later in life my faith for it dwindled—But hopefully, death doesn’t just mean nothingness.

But I still believe in a God, maybe not the christan God or the catholic God or the seven hundred other Gods that are worshiped around the world. I guess I could say I’m an agnostic, those people who just believe in God without sticking the label to a certain religion.

—Ah, there it is.

My vision is now pinpoint accuracy or tunneled. My heart rate has significantly slowed down and is about to halt everything. I know I said that I’m accepting of this death, but—But I still don't want to die, not yet at least. Maybe that’s just human nature, or animal instinct—Not wanting to die.

But there’s nothing I could do—Can do. I could accept it but that would just be a lie in order to deceive myself. One can say they accept the conditions they received but the heart will always have something else to say.

Man—I’m really going to die.

Those were my last thoughts as I vanished into Death.

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Dark.

—No it was nothing. There was no dark nor light inhabiting this place—Realm—Just nothingness.

No heat, no cold, no love, no hate, no anger, no forgiveness, no despair, no hope, no consciousness, no subconscious, no life nor death. Just nothingness

—Just『Nothingness』

There wasn’t even a soul moving around. Until『It』came. Its astral figure morphed between delusions and reality. Never sitting idly in just one, it always had to be between those two. I would never figure out why, but maybe that’s just beyond my comprehension. The human comprehension.

As『It』 interfered with the 『Nothingness』that padded this realm, new and bubbling existence came to be. Their colorful auras sputter out cosmic radiation. There were millions if not infinite spirits, fish, snakes, whales, dogs, cats, lions, wolves, squirrels, birds, T-rexes, brachiosaurus, triceratops, dragons, cyclops, wyverns, sky-kings, sea-kings, and much, much more that are too convoluted to explain.

Almost every creature that civilization had named was here and then some more that we haven’t even thought of or discovered.

There were even Humans! And other species that we haven’t discovered. Were those aliens?

But they all had a goal, the same as me. To follow the tunnel of light. At least that’s what the voice in my head instructed me to do, it just kept repeating—Looping—Over and over again in this soft angelic like voice.

Maybe this was God speaking. If it is, then this was not something I was expecting. But maybe no one was expecting this sort of situation.

We all walked at this monotone pace, our faces blurred by delusions but our figure was still intact. I headed towards the tunnel of light, I felt absent-minded, I mean—I may be thinking and talking to myself but I feel so.

—So carefree?

Was that the right word to use? Well, in any case, it was the only word I could describe the feeling that clothed me. 

I didn’t make an effort to touch the other entities that walked next to me. Why would I? It would be rude to interrupt their soul-walking. This is a soul-walk right? There hasn’t been any confirmation on what this was but there hasn’t been any rejection either.

—Soul-walking it is then.

We soul-walked our way together, all of the entities did. All while the soft angelic voice kept looping through our minds, it was kinda comforting. Having someone, or rather something, keep on instructing you till you cross the finish line.

But that was probably just me. Since I knew a few people who didn’t like to be instructed or as they called it ‘Baby-handled’ during situations. I certainly don’t like to be ‘Baby-handled’ either but there isn’t anything wrong with a helping hand from time to time.

*Loop, Loop.*

A weird sound came from the side of the gathering. I turned to see it but there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary—Or rather the unordinary?

Maybe it was nothing? No, it probably was something, something big to be considered unordinary among the unordinary. But it wasn’t there anymore, it expired before I had the chance to give it a glimpse.

Oh well, ‘let bygones be bygones’—Was this the right phrase to use? Doesn’t matter. I turn to head back to the tunnel of light. The soft angelic voice kept repeating still, like a grandfather’s broken record player.

*Loop, Loop.*

There it was again. I turned quickly but I was too late. There was nothing there. I would have gotten a bit irritated by now, maybe even frightened, but all I felt was curiosity. As they say ‘Curiosity killed the cat’ but I’m already dead so that phrase doesn’t mean much to someone like me anymore.

I turned and walked to where I heard the sound. I resisted the urge of the voice that told everyone to follow the tunnel of light. I felt it pounding my consciousness the further I went. Seriously, if the sound doesn’t come back—.

*Loop, Loop.*

Ah-Ha! I saw it!

But um—What was it? I know it was a figure, a human perhaps? It just phased though this reality before disappearing into who knows where. I wonder what’ll happen if I touched it? I mean, I’m dead alrighty so there can’t be anything worse than that—Right?

Follow the Tunnel of Light, child. Follow the Tunnel of Light, child.

Yeah, yeah. I will, weird angelic God voice that stuck in my head looping, just hold on for a moment. I’m about to discover greatness, or maybe the worst possible future for me. But either one sounds a bit more fun than just following your orders—No offense.

*Loop, Loop.*

Ah shit, I missed my opportunity. Hopefully, it comes back again. But still, I wonder how that is? Why are they shifting between realities—Maybe they're between life and death? I mean it could be.

Well, whatever it is, let's hope it’s not something I’m going to regret later. I walk closer to where the event happened, my hand stretched out, waiting for the right moment. The voice in my head pounded crazily, almost as if trying to redirect my decision.

*Loop, Loop.*

There!

The event almost escaped, only my fingertips grazed it. But that was enough.

—Everything faded into light.

Chapter Text

Reincarnation?

—Everything faded into light.

I stumble back, noise drummed in my ears—Were those people I’m hearing? Chatter and clopping echoed through my mind. My sense of touch pricked as if needles were stabbed into my fingertips. My skin perked up, a sense of heat violated my mind, just what is this? I gasped as air was forced down into my throat and down to my lungs.

My vision burned. I stumble back and fall on the solid road. I heard a voice calling for me—Who the hell were they? A hand clamped onto my arm and picked me up. Their hands felt callous and sturdy from the touch. I mumbled something out—I didn’t know what it was, probably something unintelligible.

They sat me down on what felt like stone stairs. I used my hands to block out the light that stormed my eyes, it was finally dark. Comforting dark. The noises that once drummed in my ears finally ceased up and became intelligible.

—Those were the sound of carriages and chatter of people, I can hear that now.

“—kid.”

I man’s callous voice called out. Kid? I mean I am a kid—To some—But still, I look rather adult-like if I say so myself. Have a beard and mustache for crying out loud. Pretty tall too, always dwarfed most people in school and in the streets.

“Urgahh.”

I groan out. I let down my hands and the plagueful light became comprehensible. I blink for a moment to rid of the haziness that lingered in my gaze. Soon, a figure with a bandana and green-hair formed. They had a large scar across one of their eyes and held a stalk between their teeth. He held out a glass of water towards me.

Very thoughtful of him to help a person he doesn’t know. Wonder why he has the get-up though. Maybe there’s a comic–con somewhere.

—Wait, wait, wait!!!

I quickly drag down my face with my hand. I blink profusely. The man leaned back a bit, an expression of skepticism and cautiousness rose from his face.

I leaned to the side and viewed the road behind him, carriages pulled by oversized lizards filled the streets, people with animalistic traits roamed the sidewalks, and buildings with medieval renaissance made up the surroundings.

“Here, kid. Take this water. You can stay here for a bit but after that, scatter.”

The scar face man leaned the cup of water forward towards me once more. My jaw was gapping, but I took the cup anyway. I felt hard like clay. I gazed downward, the water reflecting the sky.

Why were my fingers so soft? I never had very hard-working hands but I had at least some callouses. I graced one fingertip to the other. The soft sensation boggled my mind. I gazed upwards, the scarred man quickly gazed forward as well.

—I see, he’s watching me. Probably because I’m suspicious.

With an absent mind, I drank the whole cup, it tasted real, too real. I then quickly pinch myself—Yup, the sensation of pain is there as well. I gazed at my shoes. Orange mixed with black. Huh—those shoes aren’t mine but they look familiar. I pull on my shirt—Hold on, this is a t-tracksuit. Orange, white, black, and a symbol of N made up the familiar tracksuit.

—Then my stomach began to turn horrible. I felt the bubbles of nightmarish terror pop with explosive power. Just what is this? No, what am I? Wait, wait, wait! Wrong question to ask! Just what am I doing here and how am I wearing these?!

These oddly eerie familiar clothing resemble something, wait no, someone, but who? I know it, I know it! It’s on the tip of my tongue! 

I violently scratch the end of my chin. Moments passed by without notice all the while the scarred man occasionally glances back. I can’t remember—These clothes seem familiar but I can’t fucking remember.

I glanced back up to the road, people filled it to the brim. Their chattering and daily uninterrupted lives irritated me. They weren’t at fault, but seeing them walking on about their lives while I’m in a middle of a crisis brings a certain Ire to me. Not to mention the terror I’m feeling for having these clothes.

—This type of situation. It finally dawned on me. I’m in another world, full of undiscovered possibilities and dangers. If I was a few years younger then I would have been ecstatic, having the chance to finally be someone like all those Mcs in manga became. Having overpowered abilities and getting all the chicks, becoming the hero of the people and saving the world with ease. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

Just how can anyone be into that self-serving type of literature? I mean, I was, but still. There are grown people wishing to be in a situation where they’re given everything for just existing. Of course, there’s the ones who like it because it’s a guilty pleasure of theirs. Nothing wrong with that, I also have a guilty pleasure similar to that.

“Kid, looks like you’re doing fine now. How about you scram off now.”

There with the kid shit again. Wait, no, that’s the least of my problems right now. I grudgingly stood up, leaning against the wall next to me. The feeling of body dysmorphia struck me quickly and hard as I gaze at the fruit vendor. I—I. He’s taller than me? I glanced around, the people who walked past the vendor were either at the same height as me or taller. Did I get smaller?

“Um, thanks for the w—water.”

My voice sounded more—More foreign. The eerie feeling kept on expanding as I touched my throat. Just why do I sound more Japanese? I’m Hispanic for crying out loud! Where’s my deep voice at?!?

“Yeah, now get the hell out of here! You’re scaring the hell out of my customers.”

“R—Right. My bad.”

Yeah, my bad for being fucking confused. Your customers can jack me off for all I fucking care. I gulped down, I wasn’t going to say all that. I simply didn’t live that type of life. I scour around, looking for a place to walk, till the corner of my eye was filled with something.

Down, written on the ground were lines. Eighty-eight of them, all crossed with each other.

“I said, get the hell out of here!”

“Who the hell are you talking to like that?!”

Ah—I guess my self-defense kicked in.

“The hell you said? I gave you water out of the kindness of my heart but this is how you treat a person!”

He lifted the corner of his lip almost as if growling.

“Get the hell out of here unless you're willing to lose a couple of teeth..”

That fucking—!

I closed my hand, tightening it into a fist. I glared daggers at the man. Insults are one thing, but I’m the victim here! I got zero clue where the hell I am!

“Kadomon–San! How are you—Wait, what’s that expression on you for?”

I man, or rather with the tone he carried, a teen entering his adult phase, interjected with his voice. He wore a sleeveless blue collarless shirt with dirty brown pants. His hands were full of calluses, must be a hard worker. His dark blue hair was grossly intertwined with each other, as if he just got off work.

“Tch.”

Kadomon—That name sounded all too eerily familiar.

This Kadomon turned his head and faced the young man. He grumbled on about something but I already left, the anger I once had dissipated and the terror once again ached at me. I feel like throwing up, and puking everything out. Just what am I scared of?

I walked between the masses, I could feel their eyes fixating on me. Sweat began to pour out, I wiped this brow, a waterfall of sweat fell. Damn it—These eyes. Fuck fuck fuck. What am I so terrified of?

“Watch where you’re fucking going runt!”

I didn’t have time to play niceties, I don’t care if I bumped into you. Just get the hell out of my way!

I kept walking, no rather, I jogged. Their eyes hovered over me, realization began to crack at my mind. I bumped into many more, their ire words meaning nothing to me as I began to sprint fully. My heart raced like never before.

—This fear isn’t even comparable to the time when I died.

I ran. 

I ran faster than ever before, and tripped. I slid across the pavement, a rash on these palms formed. This isn’t my body, this isn’t mine. The itching sensation of err skittered across this skin. None of this is mine. These fingers, these clothing, this voice. Err couldn’t even describe the amount of wrongness I felt.

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“Buurrghhaaa”

I puked onto a wall. These hands leaned onto the wall of this alleyway. Strings of these saliva’s hunged from this jaw. This vision was bloodshot red. I stare at this trembling hand that isn’t mine but is nonetheless attached to me. 

This isn’t mine, this isn’t mine, this isn’t mine. Yet it’s so ungodly familiar.

—I puked once more.

“Hey, drop everything you got on the ground if you want to get out of here unscathed.”

Drop? I have nothing on me. 

I weaved this head sluggishly to view the person who spoke. A trio of misfits came to smear my view. A collar on one, a bulk of muscles on another, and midget genetics on the last. I feel bad for that one—Being small must have some horrible disadvantages.

“You blind or something? I said drop the bag!” The midget spoke.

“You dumbass, it’s ‘Are you deaf!’ not are you fucking blind!” The collared one whispered out to his companion.

The muscular one simply glared at me while holding his ground, seems like the more logical type to me at least. Wait—Are they—?

“Tom,chin, and um I forgot the last one.”

I spoke out through heaves of breaths. I bet this body’s facial expression had deteriorated to horrid levels in a small span of time. As the trio looked at me, my suspicions and nightmare were confirmed. I truly wish it wasn’t confirmed but it was.

“How the hell do you know two-thirds of our names?!”

—This is the world of Re:Zero, the land of misfortune and death, a place of witches and suffering. And I’m in the body of Natsuki Subaru.

By the time I learned of this, I would normally suppress most of my emotions. Making myself look void as if nothing could affect me, but—But, I can’t do that knowing everything is only going to go downhill from this moment forward.

No! wait, wait! I can make it so I won’t die painfully right? I mean there have to be ways. Sloth if Subaru did it. So I can too—But he died at least ten times before he reached his comfortable future. Not only that but I’m in his body.

—His body.

I’m not mentally strong—Will I suffer more than him?

“Hey, demon eyes! Listen when you're spoken to!” 

The collared one hollered out as they approached me. I refocus my gaze on him and the two affiliates behind him. A sick feeling knots my stomach tightly but I suppressed the urge to shiver from it. I don’t have the luxury to act cowardly, that time ended when I learned whose body I was in.

“Hey—! What the—Where the hell are you going??!”

One of them spoke. I had decided that retreating would be best, I needed to find Reinhard—Oh Shit, that’s right! How could I forget! I just need to scream! I turned around again and faced the angered trio, the collared one was a few feet away from me now and continued to speed walk closer. He had a hand on his hip—His knife was there.

“You think you can just walk away! HUH!”

The collared one said as he began to unsheathed out the knife, it glistening even in the overshadowed alleyway. A pit of fear continued to bubble in my stomach, this was a dangerous situation. 

“Shit your ass up—” I took a deep breath as I backed away from him, “REINHARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ack!”

I screamed out in bloody murder till this throat strained itself into stopping. Was this technically my body or not? The thought confused me, I wanted my body back, I didn’t want to switch it but by some ordained order I’m in this body without my consent.

“Why you!”

The collared thug quickly changed expression and turned fearful—Yeah that’s right, Reinhard is the current Sword Saint and strongest being in the verse to date if I’m remembering things right. I peeked at the other two thugs behind and their expression was that of fright. Serves them right.

—Yet no one came.

Wasn’t Felt supposed to come as well? Make her grand entrance to Subaru by leaving him to rot at the hands of these thugs? Yet she didn’t come either. No Reinhard or Felt, but then what about Emilia?

“Ha—You gave us a fright.”

One of them said as their expression slowly started to regain their previous demeanor. The bubbles in my stomach began to invade my chest, was no one coming?

“You’re going to pay for that, giving us a scare like that isn’t going to happen without some compensation.”

Another threatened, they cracked their knuckles as they began to advance as well. Where was Reinhard? Where was he? He was supposed to be around here! Where the hell is he! I kept backing up, my expression narrowed as I furrowed these brows while sweat dripped on this neck.

My breathing was becoming heavy as I lowered my posture into a fighting stance, I knew no martial arts or fighting techniques. I was just as clueless as Subaru was when it came to fighting—Wait no—He was able to throw a clean punch, I always threw sluggish ones because of how big I was.

Shit, I want to throw up, I want to get rid of this anxiety that’s bursting in my chest, but I don’t have the time for it. I simply don’t, I want the time, I really do! I want to lay in my bed and coat myself with blankets till I feel better! I want out! Out of this world!

The collared thug clenched onto this tracksuit’s collar, and I immediately threw a haymaker out instinctively. I grazed the thug’s teeth and made these knuckles bleed. It wasn’t my first time throwing out a punch but since it’s Subaru's body's first time, it stung like hell.

The thug fell onto the floor on his ass and then bounced into his head. The knife skittered onto the floor, it clanged before it rested. With frightful thinking, I nearly threw myself towards the knife. The other two saw this and tried to bombard me, yet failed.

I wasn’t a killer nor a professional at fighting. I just knew that I’ll do anything to fight for my life. A grunt of pain was emitted from the muscular thug. I had plunged the knife straight into the side of his knee, the tip of the knife protruding out from the other side. Blood gushed out as I unsheathed from his knee, wab after wab of blood coated these pants Subaru had worn.

I quickly stood up and slammed my fist into the midget thug’s chest. He heaved as he bounced back into the ground. His nose bending in an unnatural way from the jab. I quickly straightened my posture—My breath became frantic—As I saw the collared thug stand once more.

I didn’t wait for him to stand as I rushed towards him and threw out this foot into his chest, he heaved horribly as he fell back onto the ground. With a wild expression and an even more animalistic gaze, I stomp his head in. Each stomp making an echoing horror thump in my chest. I finished my assault when blood began to gush out. Did I just break into his skull?

I viewed my work in a horrific manner, blood filled these nostrils as I gazed onto Subaru’s pants—Then I threw up once more.

They were thugs, low lives that would have done the same to me, no maybe worse. I only did this to protect myself—Why didn’t anyone respond to my plea?—I did this to live, I have value in my life. I don’t want to die, not in the ways Subaru had died.

I wipe this mouth with Subaru’s sleeve, the body dysmorphia kicking in once again as I contemplate this body. It isn’t mine yet I’m operating it now as if I had mastery over it. Where was Subaru? Did I overtake him? Did I throw him out? Did he disappear?

—Did I kill him?

Chapter Text

Options

I sat under a bridge, water flowed downstream in front of me. I had used that water to clean the knife I collected, water this chin that was stained with vomit, and try to unstain the blood splatter and slight vomit on Subaru’s pants. All it did was smudge it though, well it did become a little bit hazy but one can still come to the conclusion that it’s blood. The scent of blood still lingered faintly after all.

The crowds above rang in my ears monotonously, I placed a hand onto this face while making—or trying to sustain a void expression. But being void was the complete opposite to what was storming inside me. It honestly surprised me that I was able to do what I did in that alleyway. Not in a million years did I think I was able to hurt someone to that extent. If I was completely honest—It gave me a thrill of excitement. 

But I’m no murderer by anymeans, I simply—At times, daydream of beating thugs who wanted to rob me during classes, as if I was the protagonist. I mean who wouldn't? Almost anyone would want to come out trumpet if they fought a group of thugs by themselves. I was clearly no exception. So what’s wrong with feeling excitement?

It’s because this is the real world, this isn’t fiction.

Oh, right—This was real. This whole situation was real, not an inkling of delusions in sight; The taste of saliva, the smell of shit and iron, the sweating that ran through this neck, the fright, excitement, the pain. All of this is real.

And I have to somehow come to terms with that.

But why me? I mean, I know why. I had touched what was presumably Subaru’s soul during whatever transition to the afterlife I was going to, a shame that I’ll never know what was beyond that tunnel of light. Probably heaven—Though, I find it a bit weird I would go there if my theory was right anyways. I’m no horrible person, but I am a sinner. A rather dubious and repeating sinner.

But that’s if we take that christanity was the true religion, it could very well be something else. I mean—Who to say what the tunnel of light belonged to?

Damn, now thinking about it, I wonder how my family is reacting to my death? Like I said before, my parents would be the saddest one there while my sister would be mildly saddened? But my younger brother would definitely not be that affected by my death; That line of thinking gives me some kind of twisted catharsis.

Thankfully, I always searched up shit in the incognito tab, I won’t have to worry about them finding out anything horrible.

—Truth be told, I hope they do forget about me after a while. I think I’m repeating myself but I want them to mourn just a bit and then move on with their lives. There’s no reason to be in a constant state of grief for me. I never did anything special either, just worked, gymed, and wrote; That could literally sum up my entire life. I never was an outgoing person although I could hold a conversation if I wanted to.

“—I think it’s time to move.”

I announced to myself. It really was time to move, I only sat here to calm my nerves. And for the most part it worked. Now all that was left to do was strategize about my next move. I got up from the ground and analyzed what I had on me: A phone, wallet—Yeah that was it. I must have dropped the grocery bag that Subaru brought with him.

“Tch.”

Well, I can still do things without it.

—But first, what will I do? I mean truthfully, do I want to help out Emilia? Help save Rom and Felt from Elsa? That was a tough question to ask myself since throughout the series I berated Subaru for always helping out the people who–Wither incidentally or not—Get him killed. The first death that Subaru experienced—I still vividly remember it since I’m a fan of the series—I berated him for going back to the loot house. I joked around with friends and said ‘If that was me, I’ll hightail it out of there. Fuck Emilia.’ But who can blame me for those harsh words? It was true and grounded by the reality of the situation.

If I help out Emilia then there’s a chance I’ll die, if I don’t then—Then— — —I’ll still die won’t I?

Does it matter if I helped Emilia or not? If she dies then doesn’t Puck freeze the whole capital over? 

—Mmm.

I kept that train of thinking—Either help Emilia or not—While walking up stone steps and heading back to the main road of the capital. I kept my gaze cold and hard as I stared directly in front of me. Many have told me I had a very rigid and frightening thinking face. I would agree with them since my own father had a cold expression when he thought about things as well.

But now I have Subaru’s face, would that translate over or would a different visage appear? Mmm—I wonder where the hell is Reinhard? Wasn’t he close by when Subaru first got summoned, so where the hell was he? I screamed and no one came. I’m honestly kinda hurt by that. The same goes for Felt and Emilia—Felt because she was supposed to run through us and Emilia because she was supposed to save Subaru. Well me in this instance.

Yet none showed up—I bemoaned that fact.

Have I deviated from the story? I mean, the story has already deviated but the events shouldn’t be all that different—Right?

Well, all I can do is come to a conclusion. Without Reinhard then there’s no way I can help save Emilia, But if I don’t save her then the capital gets a ‘Flash of Hell’ from Puck, and I’ll no doubt be caught in it. Arck! Hard decisions and even harder consequences!

“Well, I think I came to a conclusion—Though, I’m not happy about it.”

I whispered while scratching this cheek, to call this body mine was still something that gave me an unfathomable uncomfortability—Even this voice gave me the hibijibis. I guess this situation is going to take time to get used to.

“Ahhh—To be me or Natsuki Subaru, now that’s the real question.”

A question that I feel like would need an answer to in the future—But just not right now. Right now I need to find help. Thankfully my endless walking and thoughts had landed me to a patrolling knight.

—But not just any knight. A knight well-known for his exquisite manners and talented swordsmanship, one could say a knight above knights—the finest knight, Julius Juukulius. 

A purple-haired son of a bitch who’ll become one of the strongest in the verse around Arc six or about a year later from now—I believe? Well, no matter, I can ask him where Reinhard is and then have him help out with Elsa.

Wait, wait. How will I be able to explain it? I mean, who wouldn’t be skeptical about a person who seems to know about future events—Mmm, maybe I can pretend I heard about Elsa around the slums and say I heard it yesterday? But what if he asks me about my origin, what can I say then?

I mean, sure I’m a fan of the series and read both light and web novels and some side stories but I don’t know everything. Maybe with the knowledge I have, I can say I’m from Gusteko since saying I’m from Kararagi is a no-go—Julius is the knight of Anastasia after all, she’ll see through my lies about being native to her land.

But what about Crusch? She has the Divine protection of Wind, but so does Reinhard—Damn, this shit is really not meant for me. I’m no quick-witted person or someone who can outthink their adversities, but if Subaru could do it then I—I who has knowledge of the future can do better.

Yeah, that’s right! I have knowledge that he didn’t have and Subaru did—um—Well, decent? I mean he pushed through without the knowledge about this world and still came out on top in most situations.

He died over and over to come out on top. Will you do the same?

Ah—That’s true. He died and persevered over and over— — —He died and still forced himself to find a way. Can I say I’ll do the same? Of course not, if I find myself stuck in a situation that I deemed hopeless then I’ll run away without hesitation. I’m a coward, not a fighter or looper or a savior.

—I want to live.

Chapter Text

Resentment

“So are you, um, willing to help me?”

I asked as I tapped the ground beneath me with the tip of my—Subaru’s—shoes. Nervousness escaped and intertwined with my words which I tried to stop but ultimately failed at, I wonder how Subaru was able to keep his cool at times like these.

Julius Juukulius gave me a gawked stare before returning to his elegant regime. Man, talking to a fictional character that isn’t a fictional character is quite staggering. If we take the multiverse theory—Which in my case is proven—Then every character ever made, will be made, and was never made are all real in a different reality. The knowledge of that would have given me a headache but reality won’t give me that luxury yet.

Anyways, Julius held a regal form but his gaze told a different story; He was unsure how to proceed with the knowledge I have given him, that much was shone through his eyes. Thankfully, he didn’t question my dry smudged bloody pants nor the authenticity of my information.

“—I see, that is certainly most concerning. Elsa, nicknamed the Bowel Hunter is here and taking residence in the Slums. I'll form an organized squadron at once.”

Though, once I heard his plan of action I couldn’t help but worry about the consequences. Elsa the Bowel Hunter as they call her—A monster lurking inside of a voluptuous body—If I’m remembering correctly, in the Pride if storyline, Elsa murders all who opposed her at the loot house when Subaru had contacted the guards. Including Felt and Rom, no matter how many times they slashed, gutted, crushed her. She’ll always come back, that was her specialty after all.

—She is a Curse Doll, a being who regenerates over and over. Although I don’t know the details about it I do know that unless we get someone above the current Julius to fight her then no one would be able to defeat her. That’s why it is imperative to locate Reinhard and make him do all the fighting—A cowardly way of thinking for some, but it was the most optimal way of thinking for the survival of all.

“Hold on! Look, that's great and all, but we need Rein—I mean the Sword Saint, not that I’m underestimating you Sir Julius, but I heard that Elsa is something else entirely. That she can regenerate from even the most fatal of blows.”

Julius looked at me, his gaze shining with something I didn’t know as of yet. If I had to guess then maybe it was vacillation? The vacillation of what, that I did not know. But from how long it was taking him to respond I knew it was something that was heavy to consider.

“—No I mustn't. I understand your perspective and greatly appreciate your words of concern for the welfare of men who will fight, but I mustn’t get the Sword Saint involved in such matters. It would be incult of me to do so.”

Shit—This dumbass of a knight must be thinking that since it’s Reinhard’s day off it would be offensive of him to bring him into battle. Finest knight my ass, dude is making a glories walkway towards death for him and the guards.

“I understand, but really. Elsa is a far greater danger than what you must be thinking she is, from what I’ve heard, she’s able to grow back to her original state no matter what. I think it’s a job the Sword Saint must do—”

I slammed my mouth shut mid-sentence, it was something I had utterly not expected out of Julius who always mustered every fiber of his being to be elegant and thoughtful. But it happened, Julius, the finest knight in the kingdom—Gave me a glare I would not forget, a glare that spoke volumes on his sentiments on the suggestion of bringing Reinhard into battle. But it wasn’t a glare that wanted to protect a friend, no, it was a glare concentrated on full jealousy. 

—Concentrated resentment.

“Sorry, I had misspoken. I’ll leave you to your devices then.”

It seemed that Julius had caught himself in his own envious act and quickly tried to speak to me—Most likely to apologize for an unsavory visage he showed to a citizen. But I didn’t allow that interaction to happen since the moment I ended my sentence, I left hurriedly. I did not want to interact with him in such a state, even if it was for a singular moment. 

—A moment where his mask slipped.

That being said, Julius did not chase after me, instead, he simply gave me a glance with an unreadable expression and walked off to his own newly found destination—Most likely to prepare for Elsa during nightfall. It’s a miracle that Julius believed my every word though, or maybe he didn’t? I don’t know, I can only hope that he did and he’ll prepare for Elsa.

— — —Mmm, now what to do? Should I chase down Emilia and inform her about Elsa and the loot house? Although she might be weirded out I think Puck’s ability to sense emotions might even out the distrust. But if I want to inform her then I need to track her down, and I don’t even know where to even begin—Oh shit, Kadomon, if memory serves right then Emilia must have saved his daughter or something of the sort.

I can ask him for information—That or I go to the loot house and inform Rom about what’s going to transpire during nightfall, but I don’t know where the Slums are or where the loot house is. Ah, I can also go to Kadomon for that type of information. Mmm, two options that lead to Kadomon.

Then I guess the final option would be to find Reinhard and guide him to the Loot house. In all honesty, that would be the greatest option to go with, but the same problem with Emilia appears. Just where is Reinhard? He didn’t answer the yell of distress back at the alleyway. Shit, just what occurred for the timeline to change? Ah—Maybe it was me blacking out? Wait no, I woke up shortly after—I think?

Anyways, finding either Emilia or Reinhard would be a rather difficult job for me, I’m one man and both didn’t come or respond to my scream. That just leaves one option.

—To contact Rom.

Chapter Text

Hello once again

As I retrace my steps back to Kadomon—The appa seller—A thought occurred to me. Didn’t I blow my first introduction to him? I’m positive that I made a horrible impression on me—Wait on hold! He was the one who shitted on me first! I was in a daze and he started to beret me without remorse! I mean, he did give me a cup of water and watched over me.

—Am I at fault or is he?

Well, it doesn’t matter. I’ll just have to reintroduce myself even if I have to ‘apologize’ to him then so be it—Although Kadomon should be the one to be apologizing to me, not me to him. But hey, life is unfair and unbalanced and you’ll have to be the bigger person at times, even if it costs you a bit of your self-worth.

That last bit might be dragging it but you get the big picture of what I’m spewing out. Anyways—I finally came eye to eye with Kadomon, he was toying with his Daughter—Plum—While the mother was nowhere to be found. It seems like Kadomon hasn’t noticed me yet. 

—Ahhhh, I’ve been sighing too much lately.

“Yo, Fruit vendor.”

I called out normally, although it might have come off a bit meekly. Hopefully, it didn’t, I wanted to be steadfast in front of him and not look intimidated. Kadomon stopped his childish play with his daughter and stared at me, his expression toward his daughter turned one-eighty as he sized me up. Scary man that’s for sure—If memory serves me right, wasn’t he part of an underground organization?

With a thuggish glare that screamed ‘Get the hell out of here’ he spoke.

“Watch’a want?”

A simple question, nothing overzealous to ask someone who you’ve thought acted bizarrely in front of your workplace. But now comes the question of what to say—Mmm, knowing Kadomon and seeing Plum being here, he won’t do anything overambitious like kick me out or yell at me in front of his daughter—At least, I hope he won’t. That being said, I should choose my answer wisely and format it to precisely express my feelings.

—I feel like I over-explained something that was rather simple in nature.

“I wanted to apologize from before. I feel ashamed at the way I acted and how, um, boorish I was to you, a man who had helped me recover. But I beg that you understand where I was coming from in my act.”

Plum stared at me or rather Natuski’s raven and combed back hair. I really need to change that once I get situated, I think I’ll simply let it down and let it grow out for a bit. Similar to Sloth if Subaru but just nearly touching the shoulders. That or I’ll just regularly let it down and ever so often trim it.

“From where you were coming? What’s that supposed to mean?”

I could sense that Kadomon was agitated but not so much that he’ll show it verbally—You can see it in the way he ground the stalk between his teeth. I-although putting on an apologetic farce-was trying to void any emotions of anxiety or dread that wanted to claw its way into my conversation. 

“Well—If you fell unconscious in the streets of the kingdom and were dazed when you awoke, you would be a bit incomprehensible to the situation around you. And for that reason; I’m sorry.”

I finished my apology; It gave me a nauseated sense as if I had done something that I shouldn’t have done, it was most likely my Pride that was responsible for that feeling. And I understood why I felt like this—Like I said—He should be apologizing to me. 

I peered down a bit and saw Plum giving me the saddest pitiful look I’ve ever received recently. It felt sickening to be gazed at by such a look but with this maybe Kadomon would overlook the happenings when we first interacted with each other. And lord behold, he also gauged Plum’s expressional eyes. That once thuggish brute glare he showed seemed to melt into some form of acceptance.

“Fine, fine. I accept your apology, now get out before my acceptance runs out.”

Kadomon said dismissively. Jeez, you’re basically telling me to get the hell out right in front of your daughter man. Anyways, I was about to speak and ask him for directions to the Slums when he suddenly grabbed an apple and threw it at me—From the look on his face, this was his own gesture in order to apologize to me as well. 

Now looky here—I also received an apology, I honestly thought he would have never done such a thing. I'm kinda glad I misjudged him; With this, my own hubris is now quelled into submission and isn’t nauseating me to death.

“Now, leave.”

Kadomon ordered, but I couldn’t do just that yet. I know I could ask anyone from anywhere for the direction towards the Slums but I felt like it would be best if I asked him. Don’t ask me why I felt like it was the right choice, it just did to me. As if it was a warm yet cold sensation that gently guided me towards Kadomon. Similar to that God or being back when I was in that void.

“Um before that, could you tell me the direction towards the Slums?”

“Slums? Why would someone like you be going there? Don’t tell me—”

“Wait, wait. I’m sure you have the wrong idea about the situation—No offense of course. But I need to go there since I’m supposed to— — —”

Ahhh—More sighing. Anyways, it seems like I found myself in a predicament. Tell him the truth that I’m trying to see Rom the giant or lie to him in order to seem more neutral. I mean, Kadomon isn’t even introduced to the story after this encounter other than arc three but after that—Subaru surely doesn’t see him anymore. But I’m in Subaru’s body right now—It feels awfully disgusting and toxicating—And the events have been changed somehow. A tell tell sign by Reinhard not rescuing me—Or should I say Subaru? 

“Ah, well—I was supposed to see help with the Church and feed some of the Slum dwellers but I never asked them for directions.”

“But everyone knows where the Slums are, and if you are a member of the Church of the Dragon then you should especially know about the direction.”

Just as I told my lie, Kadomon strikes back fiercely with his own reply of suspicion. Seriously man, why are you bugging so much from me asking for simple directions? I could have already been gone by now yet you won’t let me. I’m starting to think this guy's in love with Subaru from the jump.

“You see, I’m not a church member. My friend is and I’m simply going to help him, unfortunately, I never received directions. And personally, you can see from my outfit that I would rarely go to those parts of the capital.”

I think the way I worded that might have offended him a tad bit, the once stable stalk that sat nicely between his teeth began to be grinded once more. Although, more subtly than the first time he did it in front of me. 

“I see—Well you go to ‘Fallcurt,’ that building with the pointy roof towards the sky, and then go take a left. After a while you take a right and walk some, you’ll see an inn called ‘Lowly sleep,’ there’s a woman who preaches there non-stop. From there you can take another left and see a plaza. From there you can see the Slums.”

“Alright, Thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Come back once you have money in those pockets of yours.”

“—Yeah—ok—?”

Since when did I ever tell him about Subaru being penniless? Did Subaru already interact with him before I came? Weird, maybe Subaru did something to change the line of events and it wasn’t me who did something. I mean, Subaru must have already talked to Kadomon, after all, I’ve entered his body right in front of the stall.

But that was a thing of the past now, the timeline already diverged by a landslide when I asked Julius for help and when neither Reinhard, Felt, or Emilia showed up to save Subaru. So what does it matter now? 

Yeah, I’m just overthinking shit and more shit. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yea, Kadomon knowing Subaru is penniless. Alright, enough of me talking to myself, it’s time to get moving and save people and use them as connections.

I give my thanks to Kadomon and wave goodbye to Plum who hadn’t spoken a single word in the whole conversation. Her eyes beamed brightly with glee, why was she beaming that towards me? I seriously don’t know. Maybe I need someone to elucidate me on emotions.

—As I walked away from them, I stepped on the scratches on the dirt ground. There, the lines became distorted and deformed by the erosion from the countless people walking about. But one can still Barely—If focused enough.

—-Eighty-eight lines.

Chapter Text

Slums

I viewed the fine line that separated the capital from the Slums. It was a grotesque separation; anyone on an instinctual level could tell where the normalized and poverty were split just by looking at that line. Just a single step away from me was the ground, grim and deprived of any care.

The stench of despair and anger gripped the air as if it was desperately trying to hold onto something. One could say it was the manifestation of the Slum dweller’s avarice, their hunger for wanting what was not theirs. It was pitiful to witness, to say the least, yet I could still say without a doubt, and with my chest filled with Pride, I don’t care for them.

Well—I wouldn’t say I don’t care about them, that just sounds horrible, and I’m not an awful person—Nor am I a killer—It’s just that when I see a person in need, I act like the rest of the populace—That is, simply looking away and ignoring them.

Call me evil or horrible, but those are words that don’t describe me. After all, would you say that everyone who ignores these poor souls are evil? I mean, you must have ignored them as well since it’s easy to do. Your parents must have ignored them once before, same as with any relatives and friends—It’s simply easy to ignore them.

To turn a blind eye and continue to live in our everyday conformative lives, so why would I be blamed for not caring for them? Just because it hurts to see them struggle? We all struggle, some more than others, but it's a struggle either way. Maybe it’s just me—Maybe my viewpoint on the subject is skewed. 

And it’s not like I haven’t dealt with financial issues of my own either. My parents were immigrants—Poor at that—They moved to the United States of America for a future for their children since—From what they’ve told me—The cartels were getting horribly large in their hometown. 

There was always a struggle in the house—Fortunately for my siblings and me, my parents loved each other no matter what hurdles they faced. So there wasn’t any family drama to be struggled with. But of course, the money issue never cared if they had problems or not.

In the end, I also struggled for things that I wanted—Although as I grew to comprehend such issues, I made sure not to pressure my parents on such things. I wasn’t greedy—Just a bit wanting on the inside, is all.

“Urgh—How did I get from the Slums and turning a blind eye to thinking about me and my family problems?”

—That was a question that will never be answered by the likes of me.

I shake Subaru’s head dismissively, wanting to get unneeded thoughts off of my consciousness. With a deep breath, I remove unnecessary expressions from this face I stole, making it void of emotions. And with a single dreadful step, I entered the downward spiraling Slums.

You know, with all the walking that I did today. I only met Julius which was weird—I had heard from a friend who was a huge fan of Re:Zero that all the candidates were at the capital the same day that Emilia got her insignia stolen. Maybe Subaru was destined to only meet Emilia as the sole candidate? I mean, if Subaru met anyone else and became a love sick puppy dog to them, then the capital would be destroyed and the series would derail dramatically.

—I honestly would not mind seeing a ‘What If’ on that, seeing Subaru fall in love with a different candidate and all—But knowing, Tappei, the author of Re:Zero. He will never allow that to come across his mind; He has an unhealthy obsession with Emilia, from what I’ve heard at least. Also, he describes Emilia’s voice as silver bells twenty-four-seven in his light/web novels.

Not that I’m hating on the guy—I like Emilia. Kinda. Actually, scratch that, I kinda dislike her more than I like her.

As I continued to think to myself voidfully, I found a bridge that arched over a flowing river. The wood that constructed the bridge was brittle and withered from old age and use, depressingly so.

“So I’m getting closer then. And the sun is still a times away from hitting dusk; I’m making good time.”

I crossed the bridge speedily as I heard the creaking of the woods bent downwards as if threatening me to hurriedly cross over. I think I forgot to mention it but the residents of the Slums seem to keep to themselves and hide in their homes—Only peering outside to gauge me, the intruder who walked without an expression on their homeland.

Other than that, the people who did walk outside looked at me with confusion or contempt, maybe some jealousy splashed in there as well. From their viewpoint, it seems as if a noble had haughty intruded on their lands with no worries about any dangers.

Maybe if I had dirtied Subaru’s body with some mud, messed up his hair, and carried him in a more miserable posture then Subaru's demeanor could have looked the part and would have been somewhat welcomed into the community.

Although, I didn’t think of that till later—Later as in right now. Right now as in, in front of the Loot House. Sheesh, this place looks more depressing than a kid who’s been abused by their father for all their life. 

— — —Ok, maybe that analogy didn’t work, but it got the meaning across.

Chapter Text

The tell tell signs

—Ok, here goes nothing.

*Knock knock*

“To the giant rats—?”

“We give them poison.”

“To the Great White whale—?”

“We lend a fishing hook.”

“To our most honorable Great Dragon—?”

“We say, ‘Burn in hell!’”

And then there was silence. I had answered all of the riddles with expertise; honestly, it made me quite proud of myself for even remembering those answers from the Light novel. But it also scared me when he took his time to give out the first riddle since I didn’t know whether he was looking for it from the Web novel, Light novel, or the anime. Thankfully after the first question, I was able to deduce that this timeline—Or worldline—Was in the Light novel version.

A clattering sound emanated from the other side of the large withered door, creeping veins tethering to one another at the edges of the door. After a short moment, the door swung open, revealing a brown giant that wore a ripped sleeveless vest. His white dirtied chest hair stuck out ruggedly, the symbol that made a man, as one could say.

The giant known as Rom or Valga Cromwell stood hunched over, yet it was easily seen that he would be well above seven feet tall if he stood tall. He held a horrible expression that resembled a grungy thug, one who had lived all their life in poverty—Yet his eyes resembled that of a leader of sorts.

I mean—He was a leader, the leader of the Demi-Human revolt. Sad to see such a man that worked to inspire the people living in this dump. But as I gazed above to the gnarled tree, I couldn’t help but be intimidated from within. Although I made sure not to express this emotion by rolling my tongue to the sides of my mouth and grinding it—From an outside perspective, it looked as if I was chewing gum.

“Come in.”

Those were the first words that Rom spoke before turning his back and vanishing back inside his decaying building. And so, out of slight intimidation and obligation, I follow his gesture and walk into the Loot House—A place of future death.

—The sun was ticking down. And my time was nearing a battle. A battle I will not participate in but will orchestrate. 

The interior of the building looks just like in the anime—Wait, no. It was worse than that; the stench of decay and musty alcohol had permeated here and had nearly made me express the emotion of disgust. The walls were stock with creeping veins and ajar holes. Behind the counter where Rom was situated were lines of armory and weapons—Although they existed in good condition, one could see the wear that time had placed them.

I contemplated whether to sit or not—What would his thoughts about me be about if I stood here? Would I look impatient, eager for something? But if I sit would I look like a fool who lowered his guard—Wait, no, this is Rom I’m speaking about. The man is kind-hearted and isn’t a dick—no need to be overzealous about how I present myself.

“So what business do you have here?”

Rom spoke finally as I situated myself on a stool that sat in front of the counter. His words came out stiff and dense, almost as if commanding me. I wonder if this is how Subaru felt when talking to him?

Anyways, I had to choose my words carefully so as to not to give off the wrong expression. I wanted to save Rom and Felt so that I would be under their protection after the attack preordained Elsa attack. Ah—Shit, but if Julius comes here instead of Reinhard, then what do I say to them? Maybe I can force Felt’s hand and show them she’s a candidate—Yup, that seems plausible, and since it’s Julius, he’ll take the utmost precaution to escort her. But will he take Rom and me with her?

“I’m here because of a prophecy, Sir Velga Cromwell.”

Rom stiffens and widens his eyes at the mention of both his name and an unheard-of prophecy. Then, with slight movement, he clutches his club from underneath the counter.

—Ok, ok! Maybe I took it too far; you know what? I did! Holy shit, please don’t hurt me—I wanted to look a bit cool while speaking, ok?! What’s wrong with that?? 

A lot of it, acting cool with no power or intelligence, will get you killed.

Ok, maybe you’re right. Wait no you are right, but since this is Rom I thought maybe He’ll let me off the hook and laugh his ass off, ya know? But I guess I misjudged him. That’s entirely my fault, but still. Getting a bit hostile isn’t a way to go!

“H–Hear me out before you take such drastic measures. I honestly mean no harm, none at all. Although it may seem hard to believe, I’m here to help you and Felt while simultaneously helping the victim she stole from.”

Damn it, I stuttered at the beginning on accident. Cool it, it’s just a measly stutter, nothing bad can come out of it other than some changing opinions that’s floating inside Rom’s thick skull. I just need to recover and say my lines perfectly—Now thinking about it, I should have rehearsed my lines when I had the chance to. That’s a side note I should take account of in the future.

“Oh yeah, and why is that? Not to mention you got blood on your pants, hard to believe someone who hurt another that wants to help a total stranger.”

Augh, he took account of Subaru’s smeared pants. I thought I had washed it with enough water and dirt to hide it, but I guess it wasn’t enough to fool him. Luckly, he hasn’t noticed the knife that’s hidden behind Subaru’s pants and shirt. If he were to discover it then maybe he’ll become hostile on the spot. Not a chance I’ll take.

“Please don’t be alarmed—Or well, do be alarmed.”

“Huh? What’s that, a riddle? I don’t do riddles.”

“Pretty sure you did one when I knocked.”

“Mufph.”

“Anyways, you’re in danger and so is Felt and everyone who comes here.”

“And why is that? Don’t tell me she robbed a prestigious noble. Damn girl—.”

“No, no nothing like that. Like I said, I had a prophecy.”

“A prophecy? So what, you’re like a priest? A boy who has a Divine Protection?”

“I’m no priest, but one could say I have some sort of Divine Protection. You see, the Bowel Hunter is coming here.”

I boldly lied to Rom about my knowledge, well, could you blame me? If I had told him that I’ve been able to foretold events that haven't transpired because I read some book then my suspension as a witch cultist would have skyrocketed—And if I told him I’ve seen a show that told me future events then he’ll think of me mad.

— ’My alliance may be questioned but the verity of my words are unshakable truths.’ That’s what I wanted to tell Rom when he gawked at me suspiciously. He had a right to be suspicious since what I said was that a legendary assassin is coming to kill you. Anyone would be addlepated on why such a being would be after them.

“What th—Is that so.”

In a turn of events, Rom closed his eyes and unclutched his club, and rubbed his temple. His words seemed to orient around a weird acceptance. As if he had concluded my words to be the absolute truth—Weird, and here I thought he would have asked me where I got that type of information.

“Wait so you—?”

“Count yourself lucky, kid, I believe every bit of nonsense that’s coming out your mouth.”

“—That’s great! I mean, I mean that’s—Good that you believe me.”

“Mhph, yeah. I can tell you ain’t lying. Even if you try to mask your face, your eyes still told the whole story.”

“—I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.”

And so, with the conclusion of Rom’s trust being gained, I began to tell him everything and how the plan of operations will proceed. Truthfully, I don’t want to repeat this, and I’ll make sure this is the only time this encounter with Elsa will occur. Because—

— — —I don’t want to die.

Chapter Text

Negotiations

“Bahh.”

Rom had just finished his eighth bottle of alcohol, and his movements became sluggish, yet the peerless determination laying in his eyes condensed to an unyielding resolve. He’s taking this better than I had expected, and not only that, he believed every word I spoke—At least, that was what I was able to deduce on the surface. But, of course, I had no way of knowing if he genuinely believed in my outlandish prophecy.

“Come on kid, don’t be so stiff. You’ll get butchered easily if you are.”

“Is that what you’ve learned during the Demi-Human war?”

“Herrr, I wonder where you’ve heard that. Don’t tell me that prophecy of yours also told you that.”

“Nope, I just have intel is all. Intel that is hard to come by.”

“Intel—Huh.”

“Yup, intel. Intel, that’s hard to come by.”

The conversation died just like that—Look, I’m no Natsuki Subaru, nor am I a charismatic person; I can’t keep a conversation going when death is just looming right in the smack middle of our perfect future. That perfect future consisting of everyone who’s important to the story. I do not care and will use the guards that come with Julius as meat shields. It doesn’t matter if they wanted that or not; I will use them no matter how much they scream. That was part of my resolve.

Ticks of an unceremonious clock buzzed in the Loot house; I didn’t even know they had a clock in here. But it was getting rather annoying and gave me an eerie sense of the whole wait. Just when was Felt coming back? It felt like hours, yet it’s only been twenty minutes at best. Julius will get here at nightfall, to which, hopefully, everything will go according to plan.

Rom would convince Felt to leave and give up the insignia, which would put Emilia at ease, then Rom and Felt would go while Emilia and I stayed behind—Or rather Emilia. You could say I’m rather heartless, but Emilia has fighting prowess that could tremble the very foundations of where we stand—When left alone with Puck, of course.

It’s also not like I’m leaving, leaving her. More like staying put in a corner and cheering her own as a manly cheerleader. ‘Go Emilia, you can do this!’ Type of cheerleading, since it’ll only impede her in her combat if I go in. It may sound like excuses—Since it is—But it’s the most optimal way I can see right now.

Anyways—I told Rom to command Felt to run at the entrance of the Slums to direct the guards towards the Loot house. After that, they could leave. I know what you’re thinking, ‘Dude, what about Felt’s candidacy?’ Will dear friend, do I have the solution for you.

—Reinhard!

Yup—I’ll go find Reinhardt and tell him I know the last candidate for the throne and the approximate area where she’s hiding. ‘But how will that work?’ you ask? Easy—Reinhardt has a strong sense of justice and duty to fulfill since it’s the only thing he believes he could do earnestly with his so-called ‘monster body.’ And because of that sad, broken mindset of his—He’ll feel an insurmountable amount of obligation to find the last ‘Princess’ or in this world’s terminology, ‘King.’

And then poof—A Divine Protection will manifest inside him and lead him directly to Felt. An ingenious plan, if I do say so myself. Of course, there is the possibility that Od—Source of all magic—Would not grant him that divine protection, although that chance is slim to none. Like all the memes back in my world said, ‘Papa Od don’t want Reinhard to struggle.’ Or was it a different phrase?

Don’t remember, don't care.

*Creaeek*

“Old man Rom, I’m her—Who the hell is that kid?”

“Hey, I’m definitely older than you.”

I counteracted. Felt had just barged into the Loot house with a smirk—Most likely from a well-done job—But that smirk vanished as she laid eyes on Subaru’s visage. Her gaze quickly turned to scrutinization, all the whilst putting up a subtle defensive frame around herself. Shit, talk about suspicious much; I’m here with Rom, which lets you know I’m no threat. But I guess that hasn’t registered in her mind yet.

“Huh? But you have an even babier face than me!”

“Ok, and?”

“Ok, and? And what?”

“Ok, and? You’re still younger than me Felt.”

“Bwah—How do you know my name?”

“I’m sitting here with what’s essentially your grandfather, and you don’t question maybe he gave it to me?”

“Wait, old man Rom, did you give him my name?”

After our small banter, Felt expressed shock at Rom. Her eyes outlining feigned bateyal that would put any normal soul into instant repentance. Yet Rom looked at her with a bored look, declaring her heart wrenching visage as nothing. Well, that was Rom for you. He’s been caring for Felt since she was a baby, it’s no surprise that he can swat away her attempts at making him feel any guilt.

“No, I didn’t. He knew my name when he came here.”

Rom expressed, his tone became more solemn by the end of his sentence. I guess this is the time where Rom talks about my prophecy and how it’s going to go down. I wonder how she'll take it—She’ll likely call me a fraud, liar, and tell me to get the hell out.

“That’s right, I came here because of a prophecy I’ve received. Both you and Rom are in danger, and everyone who comes to this Loot house. Elsa the Bowel Hunter is your contractor and she’s going to kill everyone after she receives the insignia that you have in that pocket of yours.”

Felt didn’t even take a few moments to fully process my veracious words, just like I expected. All she did was point her thin, deprived finger at me and scrunched her face into irritation and scolded me by saying:

“Liar! And why should I believe in someone whose face is as expressive as the dirt we walk?! And I don’t believe in prophecy bullshit that you’re spewing out! Old man Rom, kick this guy out, he’s talking insane!”

Wow—Didn’t think she’ll hit every mark just like that. Makes me proud that I know the insides out of Felt enough to guess so damn accurately. Also, I’m glad that my void face was able to fool someone. After Rom said he could peer though my gaze and see what I felt, I kinda got slumped on how well I could mask my emotions.

“He’s telling the truth.”

“And how do you know that? What if it’s all a sham to get us in an ambush?”

“His eyes, I can tell he’s being adamant about everything. We already made plans on how we should move.”

“I made plans, me.”

I interjected with my own complaint, raising my own hand. Can’t believe Rom tried to steal all my ingenious thinking and put his name in there. Sure he helped on which route we should be going since he knows the layout of the Slums better than I do, but I came up and prepared everything ahead of time. So don’t mind me being a little offended when I feel like someone else is trying to label their name in my actual planning.

If I didn’t have a void expression etched on Subaru’s face then it’ll be likely that I’ll have a rather ‘Hey that’s my idea!’ expression. But since I don’t have that, I can look a bit more menacing, at least that’s what I think.

“Hugh—Anways—”

Hey! You’re just going to ignore what I said Rom? Damn, well I can’t blame, blame him. After all, we have pressing matters to discuss and I’m here fooling around. Yah, now thinking about it I have to get serious—This shit is a matter of life and death.

“Anyways, the Bowl Hunter, your client, is coming to kill us. This kid here says that we should move out, you and me. While he stays behind and waits on the half-elf girl to catch up and barge in this building—”

“Sorry but I’ve already lost her from ways ago.”

Felt cut in with a declaration. Although confused on what’s really happening, it seems as if she’s proudly saying she lost Emilia long ago and that my plan is already in shambles. Shame, shame Felt, but Emilia was always right on your tail. As a matter of fact, I’m sure she’s in the Slums right now talking to lesser spirits.

“Sorry to break the news to you, but the half-elf girl is most likely coming here already.”

“Oh yeah? How the hell do you know?”

“My prophecy indicated that the half-elf was able to talk to the lesser spirits residing in the Slums, she most likely has a track on you and it’s only a matter of time before she finds you. Originally, you would have lounged around here and waited till Elsa came, but the half-elf came first. Elsa used that opportunity to strike down everyone.”

Felt was not taken aback from the information, it seemed as if her stance as the subject only hardened and stood taller than before. Ah man—This was going to get annoying fast, I want to help but if this is the type of people that’s going to adamantly stand in the way and ignore everything I’m saying then why should I help them?

“Bah, like I believe all that—.”

Felt countered, to which Rom pleaded by saying her name.

“Felt.”

“I mean, think about it, Old man Rom, why would he help us? What does he get out of it? Other than stealing what I’ve stolen fair and square?!”

Both Rom and Felt looked at each other, Felt with a hardened glare that’s common in warriors of battle, and Rom with a softened glare, one that’s associated with scolding fathers. The air was tense that much I knew. But I had to make Felt agree with both Rom and me, otherwise she’ll have a sour taste each time she interacts with me.

“Fine—”

I spoke, lifting myself off the stool and standing tall between them. What I was about to do hurts my soul to a degree I never thought imaginable, but it must be done in order to obtain that perfect future I envision. Then, with a long deep hurtful sigh, I take out the one valuable item that I didn’t want to spend on just yet: Natsuki Subaru’s flip phone.

A tired and hurt expression managed to pierce through the void and transcend onto the world before quickly being throttled down into the abyss of my mask. I couldn’t let a hurt expression be seen by people, but this only proved that what I’m about to say hurts more than arriving in this world.

“—I’ll give you this metia.”

Chapter Text

Hello my Savior

“Ahhh—Man, that hurt to do. Giving away the phone for Felt’s cooperation. Somehow—That’s probably one of the worst deals I’ve ever made.”

I sat on a stool with my elbows on the counter and facing forward towards the entrance of the loot house, thinking of the terrible transactions I’ve committed. While in my whining, I felt the dragon insignia through Subaru’s pocket.

At least I made sure to grab ahold of the insignia before letting those two loose.

But still, giving up Subaru’s flip phone felt like a knife piercing my mind repeatedly. It was the only option I saw available at the time; any other option would have to come across me in the future.

With no one in the room, I had let a frown become visible on Subaru’s expressionless visage. Everyone—Which meant Felt and Rom—Had already agreed to the aforementioned plan and readied their stances by running far away from here.

All I can do now is wait and hope that Felt will complete her side of the deal—Which isn’t something I should be worrying about. Across all platforms, Felt was always shown with a strong sense of duty when helping those we helped her. Not only that but Rom is with her as well; I’m sure he’ll talk some sense into her if she ever brings up the topic of half-assing our agreement.

What I should be worrying about is if they get caught. Although it’s not something I plan for, it is a plausible future. Elsa catching them while on her way here. The thought terrifies me since it signifies that Elsa would gut them on the spot. Not only that but Elsa will already be suspicious of the happenings of the Loot house and come right away, and most likely bloodthirsty as well.

*Shiver, Shiver.*

Just the thought of her smile while gutting me sends jolts to the very core of my soul. At least Emilia would be here by then to protect me. Huh—That’s one thing I can’t let happen though, I mean, having Felt and Rom die would be tragic for the plot since I’m using all my knowledge of Re:zero, and if they died, then the entirety of all that accumulated knowledge will wither away since the plot would drastically change. But having Emilia die will bring a destined death flag.

You can always loop if they do die.

Nope, not happening. I would rather live even if their deaths are present in my future. Rom and Felt are big players but even if their deaths are present, I’ll somehow make it work. It’s just Emilia’s death I’m worried about. Like I said, her death brings about an ice age—Before Reinhard shows up and disintegrates Puck—But I only have to worry about that in arc one, after all, I’m going straight to the Astrea’s manner—If the chance pops up.

That line of thinking will leave Emilia alone.

I do not care. Simple as that, her loneliness can be tackled all by herself or by some other idiot. Of course, the most likely outcome would be her dying to the Witch Cult. Now thinking about it—Rem would also die, shit. It’s a shame, I like Rem—Not because of her character or background but because she becomes very submissive when Subaru thaws out her stilling heart.

But knowing that I would have to do the same actions that Subaru took to win her heart—Well, it doesn’t sound so appetizing now does it? There’s plenty of fish in the sea as they say, and I’m sure there’s another Rem out there as well. Too bad that Rem will die in arc three without Subaru, or in this case me.

—Am I Subaru or Me?

A question that will not be answered.

Yeah, that’s right. I won’t answer that question for a long time. I’m still having trouble sinking in the knowledge that I’m in Subaru’s body. Every breath feels like it’s not mine and every step feels like I’m operating a suit. It’s like I’m a small different being, isolating myself in my mind, where the control panels are, and desperately thinking of ways to survive until I’m situated in a safe, confined space.

“I’m vying in this world for safety—Vying, vie. That’s a word I’ve never used, wonder if I’m using it right?”

If I said that word gave me some type of catharsis, then I would be telling the truth. Learning new words and reading was a favorite hobby of mine, or it used to be—Right after tenth grade and entering my final year of high school, I had suddenly lost the urge to read and discover new literature—Not that I’m good and finding any, just that I always had my eye out for any words I had no knowledge of.

Now thinking of it, what will I do when I find a safe haven? My mind was preoccupied with surviving arc one of this world that I hadn’t truly thought of what I would do once I found a relatively safe distance from danger. I’ll most likely learn self-defense and then magic whilst learning the written language of Re:Zero, afterwards I’ll likely write books that are popular in my world.

—A sleazy tactic, but the best tactic for someone like me.

Emilia would be left alone. All by herself, That’s something that can’t be allowed.

And who are you to say that? You’re me for crying out loud! Don’t try to change the direction of my decision. I already made up my mind, fuck Emilia, the manor, and the village. It’s not my problem that they are going to die—Look, I’m not Natsuki Subaru nor do I intend to be him; I want to live and living means to stay away from those folks that are destined to die. Emilia’s camp will die, Crucsh’s camp will be forgotten, Anasatia’s camp will wither away after the pristella attack. The only viable camps that stay up float are Felt's camp and Priscilla’s camp. 

But I rather join Felt’s camp because I’m not hundred percent sure that Priscilla would allow me to stay in her protection, not only that but I fear that I might upset her if I goggled her breasts and get her to burn my body till there isn’t even ash left. 

Roswaal would not accept this.

Accept? What is that assh-o-l——e. Shit.

“Aaaaaugh, can’t believe I let that bullshit slip my mind!”

I instinctively grabbed the sides of Subaru’s head and ruffled it into disortment from sheer frustration. 

“God damn it! When I thought I figured things out some stupid dummy shit had to slip pass me until the final moments before a battle.”

He will scour all over the world to find you if you deviate from the Tomb. He’ll force you into a relationship with Emilia or force you to reset into going with Emilia.

“— — —Ahhh, yeah. He’ll probably do that.”

I blew out a sigh that coursed through the Loot house. Just at the worst time, I had to let that slip through my mind. But then again, is it all that bad? I mean, let’s say I can get to Reinhard and offer him to host me into his manor for the location and details of Felt. Him hosting me with Felt would mean that Roswaal would need to take extra precautions in order for him to do anything against me. Since he doesn’t know the trigger of『 Return by Death』he can’t vainly do anything that can put my life in jeopardy.

But you would be leaving Emilia alo—

I don’t care for her! She's a beacon for death! Look, don’t make me into the bad guy here alright? I’m trying to survive and live a comfortable life with an ordinary wife. I don’t want any of the bullshit stupid shit isekai life, and certainly not Subaru’s isekai life. Sure, call me a hardass for it but living is comfortable and dying is painful. 

Are you scared of repeating?

Hell yeah I am! I’ve seen and read Subaru have the worst time of his life and then have an even more god-forsaken time. I’m not ashamed to say I wouldn’t have a single fraction of what Subaru had done to help those destined-death people.

Yet here you are.

Well, yeah. Obviously. If I’m not here to make sure Emilia stays alive then I’m going to die before I can get out of the capital, not only that but I can get introduced to Reinhard. As I said, I care for my own well-being—This is all for me.

You could have been long gone since you’ve woken up. Left the capital until it was clear of Puck. Roswaal would have scoured everywhere but you have not a single inch of history on you. He would have failed and then committed suicide. You would have been saved from all the dangers of arc one.

— — —

I stayed silent. The bombardment of logic shook me still. Have I duped myself into thinking that saving Emilia was the only way to live, that there was no other option except death? Was I that low to think I needed to save someone in order to save myself?

But even so. I w i l l - s e e - E m i l i a - p r o s p e r.

Wait what—?

Subaru’s body swayed, the lights of reality began to shut. The feeling of steering lost all definition as I crashed down to the wilted planks below, the stool rolled away into the darkness. My mind felt sharp, as if a thousand needles came crashing down on my consciousness.

And before he knew it. He lost control to me.

※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※  ※　※　※　※　  

A knock came from the entrance of the loot house. Ahh, she’s finally here. A creak echoed through the decaying building as she probed her cute, adorable head in. Her wandering lustrous amethyst eyes landed on me, or rather on my frame. I could feel my heart thumping, threatening to burst out of my chest.

With her quick wit, she jumps straight into the building, her gorgeous frame lit up the room spectacularly. She was my light, my only one.

She spoke: 

“I want my insignia back!”

She demanded with an outstretched hand. Her palm was so petite from where I stared—So adorable, so teeny; I wanted to clutch her hand forever and ever until our flesh melted together. She was my light. 

I smiled at her. That idiotic expressionless face that was forcefully imprinted on me melted. Then, with a breath of fresh opportunity, I removed myself from the counter I leaned on and walked to her. But I only met her halfway.

“Hello, my savior.”

That was what I wanted to say, yet a scream came out. It was expected, after all. A flash of frost formed, and the clang of a steel weapon was heard. Sparks flew, and the battle commenced.

Chapter Text

Without my consent

I awoke in a moving carriage. My mind was fuzzy, and my eyes tinged with pain. All other bodily functions ceased as I felt a barrage of heat swell in Subaru’s abdomen. I wheezed uncontrollably as I figured out that I was prone on a couch.

Each breath felt torturous, each movement felt disastrous, and each moment felt deadly. You get the picture, every single second of being alive right now caused me pain, yet it was doable pain. A blew bits of air throughout the nose and waited. Waited for the pain to subside enough for me to comprehend the situation.

As I waited, I tried to remember the last moments before I blacked out, yet I couldn’t remember—As if the memory became so convoluted with a haze that it was impossible to understand even a single detail except that I was in the Loot house waiting. Waiting for Emilia to come.

Yeah, that’s right. Rom and Felt left to hide and bring the guards to the Loot House, and I waited for Emilia so that I could give the insignia to her and so that I could monitor her fight with Elsa in the shadows. While waiting for the guards to show up and offer their lives in order to defeat Elsa.

Pusillanimous, I know. Yet still the best option. The most realistic option, the one that would push me to my future, a future without death. But that begs the question, why—Why did I feel heat and pain coursing through Subaru’s body?

I blinked a few times, the pain had subsided barely enough for me to move my gaze around. It was dark, hideously so. Yet I was able to make out outlines of trees outside one of the various windows in the carriage. So I’m being transported somewhere, seeing that I don’t feel cuffs on me.

I moved my gaze once more and discovered a horrifying truth. The silhouette of a girl, her head resting on her shoulder as she slept. I couldn’t examine her wear or facial features, but I was confident—confident that death awaited me in the next few days.

But as if trying to redirect my bustling emotions of despair, I continued to lie to myself. I mean, maybe it’s a silhouette of another girl, someone that the books didn’t mention! Desperation rushed and painted my thoughts. I already changed the course of events by asking Julius for help so maybe this is part of another deviation! 

Right— — —Right?

I did not have a concrete answer for my self-imposed question; I was too scared at the time to glare at the eyes of reality. So I simply waited with bated breaths, and then those bated breaths wavered from the unending silence. The carriage silent from the Divine Protection against wind resistance. It was horror that couldn’t be described with just words, one needed to be here, in my situation to fully grasp the stilling foreboding I felt.

And wait—Waiting.

To wait.

Wait for an answer.

One that by the time it arrives, I will already be fast asleep.

※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※

I awoke, supine to an unfamiliar ceiling. The pain that thrived within Subaru’s body and the heat that throttled Subaru’s abdomen ceased, like it was never there in the first place—At least, that was how it felt to me. I lifted an arm but quickly came to realize I was covered by a hefty bedcover. It felt cozy underneath it, as if someone enchanted a spell of comfort on it. 

But I had no time to play around, to lax myself into thinking that my surroundings were safe. I needed to move, to throttle information out of my current surroundings so that I could put a plan of action in place—My future of safety demanded it so. And I was not one to argue with it.

“Nee-sama, nee-sama, It seems like our guest awoke.”

A voice, one from a female, rang out like waves on an ocean—Soft and gentle were the only two words I could accurately describe her cadency.

“Rem, Rem, It seems our guest is languidly laying down like the dog he is.”

Another voice, one from a female, cut through seas with each insult she spewed—Precise and merciless were the only two words I could thematically describe her tone of words.

I kept my silence, quiet as if the room was booby-trapped with landmines and that even a single peep would spell death: those voices, female aura radiating off them in cuts and waves. I knew who those voices belonged to, and for that reason, I was so damn hurt—Crestfallen as some would say. Those voices that assaulted me in my awake surely, without a doubt, indicated my arrival at the Roswaal manor. My deathbed.

I was sure of it. If I don’t take the utmost precaution, then my life would be crushed seemingly in front of me without an inch of hesitation. Yes—A spike ball would come crashing down, hurling insults and perturbation at me while spewing maddening cries of death. Or a storm of raging vengeance would descend on me and mince everything in its path into splatters of blood. Or a pack of deceitful beasts would stalk me in the darkness of the night and come down on me with ravenous fangs. That or a small innocent creature filled with instructions and malice would curse me with a gleeful bite.

Yes, I was sure of it. This place, a residence, was an adytum for death flags. That’s why—That’s why I directed a smile full of artificial thankfulness. And spoke these words with suppressed dread:

“I’m guessing this is morning, so good morning.”

They stare, penance was all I could describe it but surely they don’t mean it that way. To them, their gaze was more akin to a maid fulfilling their duties. A blank stare as one could call it, a stare that only showed professionalism and civility.

“Good morning dear sir.”

The pink-haired one said, her eyes like crimson gems. She didn’t have to say her name for I already knew it: Ram, the elder sister of the duo. A goddess without a horn, a being that surpasses us with strength alone. 

Luckly, she doesn’t have the capacity to enact that strength to the world without killing herself.

The blue-haired one glimpsed at her respected elder, as if analyzing her every gesture to a T. And then, with elegance and maiden like—She performed the exact movements of her elder sister with absolute ease. As if her own existence was a mirror image of her elder sister.

“Good morning dear guest.”

Yet she changed the ending, a single word that defined the same meaning. I wonder why she did that. Maybe she wanted—In all that replicating she’s done—A small sanctuary for her entity. It was odd—Out of character—For her. After all, she was Rem. A character with no character at all.

At least, that’s how I would assume she saw herself as. An inferior being to her respected, glorious elder sister. A girl who fought tooth and nail to replicate her elder sister so as to not bring shame onto her sister’s reputation.

“Where—Am I?”

I paused for a moment, trying to come to terms with reality. And then hand pick my words carefully. Death was close, suspicion was even closer—Each word could lead to disastrous outcomes that I simply was not ready to handle.

“You’re in Mather’s domain and Roswaal’s manor, dear sir.”

Ram spoke, her tone degrading into exquisite blankness. As if her playfulness from a few moments ago vanished and her maiden persona overtook her. I had once again deviated from the story. Ram would have hurled insults after insults that meant no true harm, but now that charm of hers was gone. Fastened to her innermost wiring, only reserved to those she believes as friends.

“Your clothing will be brought to you shortly, breakfast will arrive later once the lord of the estate arrives.”

Rem spoke, the same tone that her elder sister spoke, Rem would copy. Her eyes dim from any familiarity. She was the same, her demeanor and her replicating—It was the same, not a once of deviation from her. Maybe because she hasn’t gotten a whiff of the stench that lingered over Subaru’s body.

“Alright, thank you for caring for me.”

They simply bowed, Rem was always taking a glimpse at her elder sister. Replicating Ram’s every movement, down to her breathing. I couldn’t know what they were thinking but from the looks of it, Rem was only thinking on how she could replicate Ram. I believe that’s all she thought about in this event of introduction.

Shortly after, both left without a glance back, their backs were cold. Frightening so. I wonder if this is how Subaru felt once when he was in this manor. I let the masquerade fall and allowed an expressionless mask to re-enter.

As the silence of the room ate at me and the wonders of my thoughts spun, a petrifying realization stuck out to me. Wasn’t I supposed to meet with Beatrice first? Beatrice, the great spirit of yin—Dark magic—that resided in this manor’s library was supposed to cast a spell of looping hallways onto me, until I figured out the exact door to dispel her arrogant mishaps. Yet that didn’t happen.

Maybe you’ve slept longer than you were supposed to.

Yes, that right; That was a possibility, yet it was slim. After all, I’m in Subaru’s body and he must have his own day and night timer. So in conclusion: I didn’t oversleep. At least that was the theory until I gathered further evidence. 

—But maybe you did oversleep. It’s not impossible.  

Wait no—I just said that I didn’t oversleep, something else happened. 

But oversleeping isn’t that overreaching, maybe you’re overthinking things.

No—I’m sure that something happened. I’m sure. Maybe it was Julius that spun the whole ordeal. Or perhaps it was because Reinhard didn’t show up! I’m sure both of them had played a part in screwing up the events. I—I know so.

— — —

The voice ceased; I had chalked it up to my mind trying to reason with me, or rather itself. Trying to dispel any anxiety that was manifesting. I gave thanks to that, without a pestering voice trying to calm me, I wondered where I would be.

—Although, I wonder why it was so desirous to want to be next to Emilia. I mean, it was a part of me, right? A section of my consciousness. Maybe it was a desire that I wanted as well but Ijust kept it hidden? No, I don’t think that’s the reason either.

—Maybe, just maybe. It was—

“Oh, you’re awake! Good morning Subaru.”

Silver, fallen bells rang out. It rang with the symphony of innocence and delight. I felt a twitch curling Subaru’s lips. It was small, utterly small, but it was there, taunting me in this forsaken situation. With an inner sigh, I looked. Emilia was there, standing at the doorway in a pink gown. Her hair braided spectacularly, the strands woven, intertwining within themselves. A pinch of hurt flitted by as my small fragment of delusion from the carriage ride vanished in the front of reality.

“Ah, good morning. How—Are you?”

Ahh! She’s so angelic! Whoever chose that outfit really gets it. It’s almost sexy in a way.

Wha—? Quiet you! Let me think here, I have to choose my words carefully. Thinking about her appearance isn’t something on the agenda.

“I’m fine. What I’m worried about is you.”

EEk! Thinking about me when it seemed she just woke up as well! EMT! EMT!

Shut it, shut it, shut it! I’m trying to think, and you—Who’s a part of me—Won’t shut the hell up! Don’t you see ‘Me’ that we’re in hostile territory? Anyways, she’s worried about Me? Ah—She must mean the firing feeling that I experienced in the carriage. 

“Oh, you mean my abdomen?”

“Mhm, not only that but your entire body as well. You got burnt reeeaally bad in that fire, trying to drag out sir Julius.”

I did?

Yes—Julius, I saved him. Disgusting but necessary.

The other voice commented, a strange err came from it. Something was amiss, was my line of thinking changing? If this voice,’Me’, was the other side of me—My suppressed thoughts that were supposed to help ease me in times of distraught—Then why was it so kiddish around Emilia?

But it answered a question that even I haven't presented to myself. I saved someone, I was awake during that blackout. Me, I was awake when I shouldn’t have been. I need to delve deeper to understand the situation.

“I—See.”

My mind was buzzed with questions and rememberization. Wait no, I needed to get into reality, those unsolved mysteries can wait. I needed to tend to Emilia. Tend to the personification of death flags.

“Well, I thank you. I’m assuming that you’ve taken me in.”

“Mmm.”

Emilia gazed at me, stricken by something. Maybe confusion? It looked like it—She was an open book and I was a master reader—Ok, that was a lame line. I’m glad no one was able to hear it, otherwise I would shrivel from embarrassment. 

“Is something wrong?”

I ask her, my visage was expressionless yet not emotionless. She was able to catch wind of it.

Emilia–Tan sure is smart. To know emotions like that. Truly, a genius of her times.

I wouldn’t go that far, that’s stretching it after all. But I agree, she’s capable of knowing or catching things that some won’t catch, like emotions… Wait—Wasn’t Puck able to read emotions? Isn’t he just feeding her information about other’s state of emotion???

“You’re just—So different from when I first met you. And when you—Saved me.”

I saved you? 

I saved you?

“Can I ask how so?”

Yeah, truthfully. You saved me, Emilia–Tan.

Shut it, will you? You’re ‘Me’ and I’m you, I don’t care for Emilia and neither do you. Just let Emilia speak without interrupting inside my thoughts. It’s getting mad annoying.

“Well,”

She placed a svelte finger onto her chin and thought. It seemed the contrast she was referring to wasn’t hard to seek out as she continued her explanation moments later.

“That face, it’s expressionless. A fake. And when I met you at the loot house, you had a umm—Very vagarious expression to put it into perspective. So it’s really weird seeing you change so drastically.”

Once she finished her elucidation, I gathered my thoughts. Trying to come up with an excuse to a problem that I had no idea of until this very moment. Honestly, that contrast she spoke of scares me. It means that something out of my control is happening—But I think I know why.

So with my gathered thoughts and resolved excuse. I spoke:

“Who says vagarious anymore? Emilia–Tan?”

Those words—They aren’t mine, I didn’t speak them into fruition. Not mine yet spoken, I’m scared—No, I was terrified at the implication of this discovery. A discovery that was built on without my consent.

“Ah! There you go again with Tan. Just what is it? And don’t make fun of me!”

Emilia puffed, anger rosing her cheeks childishly. Yet this new thing, new acquisition. It terrified me into stillness, and Emilia seemed to notice. I had to act fast, I needed to pretend. Death awaited me with open arms if I didn’t. 

“I—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. It’s just been— —Very hectic for me, you know?”

By pausing, it felt like death was squeezing down Subaru’s throat with the full power of anxiety. If I were ever prone to heart attacks, then, right there and then, I would have graciously had one that would have ended me on the spot.

“Oh, I understand! Yes, very well. I’ll leave you to your devices then, let you recover from your injuries and all. And once again, thank you for saving me. Thank you.”

“No worries. Look, how about we have this conversation another time, like around breakfast? I’m tired, extremely so from the—Fight.”

I lied; I was tired, but from the fight? I barely participated in it, at least from my perspective. But from her perspective, it was the honest truth. Emilia spoke once again, but my mind was already drifting to different places without my consent. Then, with a wave—To which I replicated—She left, the door now finally shut.

—It was now time to settle this.