Chapter Text
Like everything around them, Remus and Sirius’ relationship was forced forward, and drawn painfully out by the war, just as it was starting. The drawing in of reality that the end of seventh year forced drew confession from their lips. Afraid of the world, they clung to each other, determined not to be lost to the sea of missions and secrets. But as the years passed it began to erode. The little flat they shared always seemed to be cast in gloom, not fully the fault of the overcast weather and small windows. One of them always seemed to be working on something for the order. Secretes piled up in the growing divide. The small amount of time the two shared seemed to be occupied by hurried passion, or a silent brooding. There was still love, but it was hard to see in the darkness of war.
The full moon became a welcome escape. One night a month to forget, to let animal instincts take over. To run free. Even as Peter and James sometimes had to bail for order work, Sirius was always there. Until one month Remus was pulled aside in a meeting. He came out of the meeting pale, grim reservation painted on his face. The marauders, plus Lily who had married into the group, looked at him, unable to ask what happened. Everyone knew order business was secret.
“Come back to ours, all of you. I’ll explain there.”
They were all a bit shocked but dutifully came along anyway.
Back at the flat, cups of tea were made, chairs dragged into the living space and finally, Remus sat, squished between Sirius and Lily on the couch. The quiet murmuring died away as Remus cleared his throat.
“Look, this is probably going to upset you. But please know that this is order work, important order work. I would never do this on my own.”
“Shit moons you’re scaring me,” Sirius said, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand.
“I - Dumbldore asked me to do a mission. One that only I can do.”
Everyone was starting to understand, catching eyes while Remus' were trained dutifully at the ground.
"He thinks he's found a pack that has sided with Voldemort. So, I can't do the full moons anymore."
A shocked silence echoed around the room. It stayed that way for a full minute before Lily spoke in a hushed voice. “Remus, are you sure?”
“It’s order work, same as what we all do, just more… targeted. I’ve been kept off of most front-line jobs. I think most the order already doesn’t trust me, so no change there. Plus, how can I say no? How am I meant to live with myself, knowing I could have done this, helped people, but choose to walk away?”
“What about the rest of the month?” Sirius asked. “Will you be home?”
Remus couldn’t help but let a smile ghost his features. Even now the man he loved, loved him back.
“I go a day before and return a day or two after. From what Dumbledore tells me the pack is split, not everyone wants to give up ordinary life for the rule of Death Eaters. It won’t be unusual for me to leave during the month. I might be gone a bit longer in the third month, a type of trust initiation thing.”
“Look I can’t say we won’t miss our full moons Moony, but we also understand. We do what we can in war” James added with his signature smirk.
“Yeah,” Peter added in his typical mousy fashion.
After that, the five of them simply hung out. They all decided to forget the war, forget the danger and the loss and be young people. Record after record of Bowie, Queen and various muggle artists were played. For that glorious afternoon, it could have been the Gryffindor tower. No one noticed Peter’s odd behaviour, but no one usually noticed Peter anyway. He seemed almost happy at the mention that Remus would be further removed from everyone. He seemed lost in thought, figuring out plans, but overall pleased with the outcomes. If anyone had noticed it would have been brushed off. Peter had never fully loved spending the full moons as a rat, entertainment for his friends. Maybe he was smiling at the thought of sleeping. Maybe someone would have been suspicious. But no one noticed Peter.
Once night had fallen, and Sirius and Remus realised their cupboards were woefully understocked, the party disbanded. Seemingly cheerful goodbyes were said, but Lily hugged Remus a little tighter, and James squeezed his shoulder. Not enough to break the peaceful atmosphere, enough to let him know they were there.
Once everyone had left the couple basked in the remnants of the good times. They made beans on toast as the record spun on. Yet, as the night drew deeper, Remus let his smile fall, and let his hands shake. By the time they finished their dinner, Remus looked terrified. Sirius held him close, as the scarred boy buried himself in his leather jacket. They both ignored the wet patch he left behind.
On the day of the first full moon, Sirius woke Remus up with breakfast in bed. A mug of steaming tea and three pieces of toast, because while Remus was always starving, his nausea wouldn’t let him eat much else. They revealed in domestic bliss, reading some trashy muggle tabloid, sharing breakfast, clinging to the fantasy as long as they could. When Remus finally had to leave, Sirius plastered him with kisses and held him tight. Whispering I love you and various encouragements, all while Remus kissed and held and whispered it all back. Neither expressed their doubts, the aching pull to lock the doors and not leave until it was all over. It wouldn’t have been fair. Not for either of them.
When Remus returned the following evening, still stiff and sore, but with minimal injuries, he kissed his boyfriend and fell straight into bed. Sirius simply followed him, cuddling up against him, hoping he had not lost the love of his life.