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“Peter. Did you forget anything?” Matt called from the living room.
The spider groaned, whirling around with his backpack slung over his shoulder, in frustration. “Matt, stop asking me that. I’m practically late already, and why would I ever forget anything?”
Peter was hoping Matt wouldn’t have paid enough attention to ask this time. Wade had the lawyer binge watching Gilmore Girls through his ears, and he had been preoccupied with listening to the show since ten in the evening last night. He was, in fact, still watching it until now. And he was a very vocal Dean Forester hater. If Peter wasn’t entirely focused on something else, he would be incredibly proud of the lawyer for it.
Matt smiled. “I can think of a lot of reasons why you would forget things. And a list of things you would forget.”
“You’re a dick, Murdock.” He retorted.
“Go to college, kid. And don’t call me a dick.”
Peter groaned. “ Kid ? I’m 22!”
“You’re still the youngest.” The blind man hummed, and stifled a laugh as he heard the obvious string of curse words leaving the college student’s mouth, loud and clear with the assistance of his enhanced senses. Matt heard the familiar click of their shitty door’s door knob turning, a small creaking noise, and finally the shutting of the door entirely, signifying that Peter had gone for college.
Wade walked in almost immediately after he had left.
“Where’s Webs? I wanted to make him something before he left, little parting gift—”
Matt snorted. “He’s not being shipped overseas, Wade, he’s going to college.”
“I know, but that’s seven whole hours without him! And not to mention the other three he spends studying instead of laying down on the sofa and watching Mean Girls with me while we cuddle indefinitely and forever.” Wade groaned, crumpling dramatically onto the couch beside the other.
“How many times have you seen Mean Girls?” Matt mused, pausing the series for a moment.
“Twenty-two times. Twenty-three, technically, but Peter fell asleep so I ended up stopping the movie so I wouldn’t watch a second without him.”
The lawyer sighed. “You’re a man after his heart.”
“Jokes on you, Red— I have his heart. And I intend not to ever break it.” Wade said dreamily. “So, where is he?”
Matt reluctantly turned away and pressed play on the show. Rory Gilmore’s smooth and nonchalant voice filled the silence once more as he spoke. “Out. Left for college.”
“Fucking— shit biscuits!”
“You realize you can make him your thing when he gets home, right?”
“It’s a parting gift for a reason, Matthew. You wouldn’t get it, you’re too much of a pussy to tell Fogs how you feel about him.” Wade grumbled. Matt replied by scoffing and tossing the remote at him, hitting him, satisfyingly enough, square in the nose. Wade gasped and slid off of the sofa and onto the floor, with his hand on his forehead in a damsel-in-distress type of motion.
“Ow! Matthew Murdock! Oh, how could you?” The mercenary said in a high pitched voice.
The lawyer groaned as he heard the clear thump of Wade hitting their apartment floor. “Peter may do the telenovela stuff with you, but as you can infer, I’m not Peter. And get your ass up.”
Wade instead laid eagle-spreading onto the hardwood floor, and rolled over when Matt began kicking him in the face with his bare foot. “Seriously though, why won’t you tell Fogs you’re in love with him? Or are you in denial that you even like him like that?”
“I just don’t think Foggy likes men romantically. Or sexually, for that matter.”
Wade gasped. “ Foggy ? Foggy ‘The Gays’ Nelson? Not like men ? Oh, you’re shitting me, Murdock.”
“What? I seriously think he’s not into men. And no one calls him ‘The Gays’, by the way. Oh, and—” Matt hesitated for a moment, pausing the show and going silent in the way that Peter and Wade knew meant he was dramatically in thought.
“And?”
“And, um, I’m not sure I would be Foggy’s first option. If he did like men.” He stated plainly.
“You’re. Kidding. Me. Are you kidding me, Red? Have you— Are you blind ?”
“Yes.” Matt deadpanned.
“Fuck, not like that— Are you blind to blatant romancing ? Foggy is, like, all over you. Who wouldn’t be? I probably would be if Peter’s adorable ass didn’t exist in the Marvel universe. You’re a lawyer, you’re funny, you listen to Taylor Swift—”
Matt raised an eyebrow. “I do not listen to Taylor Swift.”
“I can hear you listening to Lover while you patrol. Don’t worry, we all cried to Daylight. But that’s not the point. The point is, Fogs is so in love with you that you can’t even admit it. There.” Wade finished with his best matter-of-fact voice, pleased at Matt’s stunned silence as it obviously meant he had finally lawyered the resident lawyer to some extent.
Matt kept a calm demeanor, but the mercenary chuckled as he saw him flush beet red under the tinted sunglasses.
“Just go make breakfast.” He muttered.
“Wait, did Peter have breakfast?” Wade asked.
“He said he was going to grab something before class started.” Matt replied dryly.
Just like that, the merc scrambled over to the kitchen and threw the fridge door open, with the lawyer wincing at the loud crash of the metal against the wall. Eggs, bacon, and bread were on the counter in record time, and Wade had already put his apron on (It said Kiss the Cook, which Peter thought was so cliche that he refused to actually kiss the cook when he wore it) before anyone could blink.
“What’s with the rush?”
Wade ran his mouth off as he slid two slices of bread into the toaster. “Peter lied, Matt! Oh, no, no— He never takes care of himself, always forgetting breakfast, holy fucking Batman. Said the same thing to me and came home having not eaten breakfast or lunch. Why else do you think I get up at five in the morning everyday to cook breakfast?”
“Um, for me?”
The mercenary scoffed and said nothing. Matt gasped in mock-hurt.
“Ouch, okay.”
“Shit, I gotta go run this over to his college— Oh, sweet mother of Thanos. Holy smokes, Robin.” Wade cried out. The blind lawyer could tell by his tone of voice that something had happened.
“What is it?” He called out, sick of Wade’s shit.
“Pete forgot to bring his testosterone pills.” He called back from the kitchen, shaking the small bottle of pills so that Matt could hear it.
The vigilante’s mouth curved into a shocked O, and he immediately got up and walked over to where Wade was to inspect the scenario.
“I knew he would forget something.”
Wade flailed around for a moment before abruptly getting some bacon going on the pan as the bread finished toasting. He reached over into the fridge, slamming it open once again with an expression of disapproval from Matt, and took out a tiny container of butter. He coated each toasted slice lightly with a thin layer of it.
Soon enough, in a blur of curse words and fatty oils, the bacon and eggs were all done and shoved between the two toasted slices of bread. Wade sniffed the sandwich, inspecting it with his nostrils (as he called it), and cackled when he realized it was satisfactory enough to feed to Peter.
“Get a whiff of that, Red. Now that is orgasmic.” He announced proudly, shoving the sandwich into Matt’s face.
The vigilante wrinkled his nose. “Smells like preservatives and oil.”
“That sounds like a Nirvana song.” Wade wondered aloud, before snapping back to reality. “And hey! Those are what make it so good.”
Before Matt could make another remark about his sandwich, Wade stomped off to his room and disappeared for a few minutes before returning fully suited up, with his mask on and everything. Only, instead of leaving it to just the red leather, he had donned a patterned Hawaiian shirt that featured corgis drinking from coconuts.
However, Wade knew to himself Matt wouldn’t be able to comment on how “horrendous” his outfit was, so it was a perfect opportunity to finally wear this shirt out somewhere. He chuckled to himself over this thought, the lawyer still not getting it, and wrapped the sandwich up while humming a tune under his breath.
“You’re wearing the corgi shirt, aren’t you?” The vigilante asked tonelessly.
Wade groaned. “Oh, come on! How’d you know?”
“Peter always tells you off for wearing the corgi shirt. Plus, you smell like dumpster shit with a hint of fabric softener, so that tells me you’re not just wearing your suit. And you’re laughing like a little girl because you think you’re slick wearing it around a blind man. Oh, and take it off.”
“Fine. You win.” The mercenary muttered, taking the corgi shirt off.
“Where are you going?”
“Peter’s college. Gotta give him the sandwich and the T.”
“Oh god. You’re gonna embarrass the fuck out of the poor kid. It’s like when mommy comes to school because you forgot your damn lunchbox.” Matt remarked with a small chuckle.
“I think I had too fucked up of a childhood to know what you’re meant to mean by that.” Wade said cheerfully. “And he’s not a kid.”
The lawyer waved a hand lazily. “You only say that because you’re like his puppy.”
“I will, in fact, do whatever he asks. Proudly.” The mercenary replied, picking up the small bottle of pills and the wrapped sandwich and cradling both with utmost care, as if they were made of glass.
Matt snorted. “Yeah. Okay. Bye.”
“Bye!”
—
So that’s precisely how Wade ended up standing outside of Peter Parker’s biochemistry lecture hall with a cold sandwich and a bottle of testosterone pills, fully suited — mask and everything — and completely out in the open. It was nearly a quarter to 11, and by the complaining Peter usually did, this meant that their first break after the first fifty minutes of lecture would be arriving soon.
He had counted around three professors lurking the halls that were mortified to see Deadpool walking around the esteemed hallways of Empire State University, maybe two shit their pants and the other called the police.
Wade stared at the sandwich in his hand with a sigh. He knew that the once-boiling hot bacon had cooled, and the runny yolk of the fried egg had solidified by now.
“Curse you, author, for doing this to my poor orgasm sandwich. As if it’s my fault you can’t write filler sequences in your Spider-Man fanfiction.” The masked mercenary muttered bitterly, wrapping the sandwich back up and tightening his clutch on the bottle of testosterone.
Another terrified squeak caught his attention, and he turned to see a bespectacled woman with pure fear in her eyes yelping and sprinting across the hall in the opposite direction at the sight of him. Wade groaned and sat criss-cross applesauce onto the floor.
That was four now. Seriously, he was wearing his mask, wasn’t he? Surely the world’s most dangerous mercenary standing fully armed in your local university wasn’t all that terrifying? And they should be grateful he was wearing a mask anyways. His face was far more nightmare-inducing than his suit.
Though, he was of the belief that his ass was sinful enough in the suit to induce a certain type of dream. Wink.
Finally, he heard the loud shouting of the professor to return to the lecture hall after ten minutes, and the slightly louder clamoring of students amongst each other as they presumably fought to exit the room as quickly as possible.
The first to spot him was a smaller blond girl who had a backpack slung lazily over her shoulder.
“Hey!” Wade called, getting up from where he was sitting.
“Mhm?” She spun around to face him, and her eyes widened almost comically. “Oh— Oh my god, oh my—“
He was quick to calm her down. “No, no, no, I’m not here to unalive anyone! I promise! None of that from me, scout’s honor!”
“No, not like that! Y— You’re Deadpool , holy shit—“ She stuttered, and Wade could now clearly see that she was more in awe rather than terrified of him. At least there was one. Two, if you counted his own boyfriend.
“Oh, you’re a fan! Okay, in that case— Yep, it’s me, DP, Merc with a Mouth, the Regenerating Degenerate. The one and only. And you are?”
“Oh, I’m Mary! Mary Kelleher.” She replied kindly, beaming up at him. The mercenary smiled behind the mask, and the blank white eyes of his suit conveyed the message for him.
“Well, nice to meet you, Mary! Tell me, do you know where Peter Parker is? The pretty brunette guy with the big brown eyes and the gorge—”
She cut him off abruptly. “I’m sorry, I have to help Professor Warren with something before Physics Lab, um, Peter should be in there somewhere. I’m sorry! Lovely to meet you!”
Before Wade could thank Mary for her seemingly unending positivity, which was refreshing to say the least, she was already sprinting past him and down the hall into wherever the fuck whoever the fuck Professor Warren was supposed to be in. He shrugged and waited on whoever came out next.
The second one to come out was a burly kid with buzzed out hair and a stone faced expression. His jawline was chiseled , and in Wade’s opinion, not really in the good way.
“Hey, kid. Yeah, you.” The mercenary called to him.
He stopped in his tracks. “Shut up. Holy shit. Deadpool ?”
“The one and only. And you are?”
“Flash Thompson.”
Hm. That name was awfully familiar to Wade, and he wasn’t exactly sure how or why or when he’d ever heard the name Flash Thompson. “Well, Flash, do you know where Peter Parker is, by any chance? You know, soft brown hair, shiny eyes—”
Flash frowned. “No offense, but the fuck do you want with Parker?”
Wade squinted, the suit eyes following suit. “Is what I asked a problem to you, kid?”
“No— not at all, sure I know where Parker is. Just, why would you wanna talk to him ?”
“And what do you have against Peter?” The mercenary’s fist clenched defensively around the sandwich, and his tone was tightening. The Flash kid didn’t seem to catch on, but Wade was starting to get unholy amounts of pissed and unholy amounts of protective.
The kid laughed . “Um, he’s just kind of lame, isn’t he? Like, scrawny and always took those damn photos, never minding his own business—”
“How about you mind your own business, huh? I asked you where Peter was, I don’t give a damn why you think I’m above talking to him. Hell, he should be above talking to me .” Deadpool retorted bitterly. It was taking him every ounce of strength in his body not to get violent with a college student he’d only just met, every remaining bit of good and what-would-Webs-think in his brain holding him back.
“Relax, man. I’m just telling the facts.”
“Well then, you go get him before I shove your facts up your—”
“Um, Wade?”
There’s that melodic voice.
The mercenary spun around to see his familiar brown-haired lover standing near the doorway of the lecture hall. Wade beamed at him from behind the mask, gave Flash one last disapproving squint, and ran over to crush Peter in a hug. He slightly smirked at Flash’s look of what-the-fuck-is-going-on .
“Wade, no, you smell like shit.” He muttered, but settled further into the hug.
Once the mercenary let go, Peter took the opportunity to finally address what was going on. “Okay, hug over, what the hell are you doing here? At my college ?”
“Are you not excited to see me, snookums? You forgot breakfast, and your—” He shook the bottle in front of the student’s face so that only he could see it. Peter grabbed the testosterone pills out of his hand and stuffed it into his jean pockets hastily.
The spider sighed. “Thank you, but you know you cannot be here. Like, actually, I have to get back to the lecture in, like, ten minutes.”
“And you will! I promise! Just let your good old overly supportive boyfriend take care of you for a moment.”
“You’re— You’re Parker’s boyfriend ?”
Great way to absolutely ruin their moment.
Wade spun around to face Flash, and he couldn’t help the satisfied look that graced his face. “No shit, Sherlock. What did you think I was, his aunt?”
“I’m so sorry, holy— I didn’t mean to. I didn’t— um, you know—”
“What was that about me having no reason to talk to Peter? Hmm ?” The mercenary pressed, just for good measure. Flash looked like he was on the verge of shitting his pants. Or crying, but mainly shitting his pants. It was very satisfying to look at.
“ Wade , don’t. Not now. Not a good time.”
“Aw, come on, babe. You don’t want me to deal with this little shit, boyfriend ?” He cooed, making a point of emphasizing the pet names just to keep that totally hilarious expression of confusion smack dab on the burly kid’s face. Sure enough, it absolutely did the trick, and it took everything in both Wade and Peter’s power to keep them from laughing out loud.
Peter stifled a chuckle and coughed to cover it up. “No. Nope. We’re not doing that today. Come on, if you’re nice, I’ll let you buy me a coffee before the next lecture.”
“Just this once. Come on.”
The hero leaned over to whisper something into his ear. The mercenary’s eyes widened.
“So this is the stinking little dickhead who ruined high school for you?” Wade nearly yelled, if it wasn’t for Peter’s grip tightening on his wrist.
“I— I promise, I didn’t mean anything by it—” Flash began, but Wade shoved the next passing student aside immediately and lunged for the other student’s throat. Peter cleared his own throat and pulled the mercenary back when Flash yelped and stumbled backwards.
“Wade, babe, you’re scaring the living shit out of him.” The spider clicked his tongue, but the merc knew he was enjoying it just as much as the next guy was.
“Good. I will not tolerate any living scumbags who want to mess with your life, honeybun. Well, if it were up to me they wouldn’t be living for very long, would they? ” Wade taunted, glaring at Flash, who helplessly backed up again. Peter swallowed a laugh at the drowned rat expression his high school bully had on his face.
“Well, it’s not up to you, so don’t.” Peter replied, the faux sweetness peeking through. The hero in him wouldn’t let Flash get hurt, screw the hero, but the Peter Parker in him was definitely going to use the boyfriend information to his full advantage.
“Just give me the word and I’ll gladly turn him into a katana’d pile of shit for you, sweet cheeks.”
“Um, I’m sorry—”
“Katana’d. Pile. Of shit. ”
Bea was slightly unsheathed at those words.
Flash gulped and stumbled back.
Peter rolled his eyes, completely unphased (much to Flash’s dismay). “You’re sweet, but I think I’d really prefer it if Flash kept his limbs.”
“Of course, babe.” Wade’s eyes thinned as he smiled and sheathed the katana back into place, only to clasp at the gun in its holster on his belt. “I can serve you up a clean bullet hole instead. If you prefer it.”
“ Look, I am so so sorry for what I did to Par— Peter in high school, please don’t shoot me—”
The mercenary slid the gun out slightly further.
“Wade, seriously, stop. He’s terrified, alright? Scared shitless. Good job. Let’s go.”
“Aw, you never let me have anything, cinnamon bun.”
Peter sighed and pressed a short kiss to the part of the mask where Wade’s lips would be if the mask wasn’t pulled completely over his face. “I’m sorry, okay? Thank you for bringing me breakfast. Now let’s go get coffee before I have to get back to the lecture hall.”
Wade turned to Flash tentatively. He didn’t dare interrupt their moment.
Satisfied with the reaction, the merc turned back to Peter. “Keep kissing me and I might never let you get back to the lecture hall.”
“You’re the worst.” Peter groaned. “That was the grossest thing ever.”
“You love me for it.” Wade wiggled his eyebrows.
“Fuck. You.” Was all that was said before the spider grabbed his gloved hand and dragged him out of the campus.
As Wade left with Peter, he turned back to Flash when Pete wasn’t looking and mouthed, “ katana’d pile of shit” back to him, dragging his hand over his neck in a head cutting motion. Flash’s eyes widened like a deer in headlights and he immediately sprinted as fast as he could in the opposite direction.
“You’re crazy, by the way. Pulling that shit at my college.” The hero mused sternly as they walked, speaking as soon as he had heard Flash disappear completely.
Wade snorted. “Come on, babe, even I could see you were playing along because of how dumb that meathead looked.”
“Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t.”
“Did I embarrass you?” The mercenary teased.
Peter rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Totally. And I think most of the others might think they’re gonna die if they ever fuck with me now. Which isn’t a great rep.”
“They’re not wrong. I will fuck with them if they fuck with you. I could kill the entire Marvel universe for you. Hell, I have, and I will do it again. But this time, for you.” Wade paused for a moment. “And not including you.”
“I’m not even gonna pretend like I know what that means, because I don’t.”
Wade sighed. “My orgasm sandwich is cold. Now it won’t cause an orgasm.”
“One, ew. And two, never call it your orgasm sandwich, for the sake of my happiness.”
“I’ll do that for a kiss.”
Peter winced jokingly. “Yeowch, man. You drive a hard bargain.”
“All’s fair in capitalism, babe.” Wade paused. “Well, no it’s not. Don’t cancel me for that one, readers. I’m warning you.”
Ignoring the comment, the student rolled the bottom of Wade’s mask up to the bridge of his nose, exposing the clearly scarred skin from the area of his chin, all the way to the tip of his nose. Peter had never once in his life found it ugly, or unbearable to look at in any way at all.
He smiled. “Well, here’s your payment.”
A gentle and short-lived kiss was pressed to Wade’s rougher lips.
“Oh my god, I would do anything for you.” The mercenary said blankly as soon as they pulled apart.
Peter couldn’t hide the grin that washed over him at that. “I have five minutes. Think we can buy coffee in that much time?”
“Just coffee? Fuck that, let’s get croissants and donuts too. Or do you not believe in me that much, Parker?”
“You’re on, Wilson.” He replied, getting ready to run. Wade tugged him back slightly.
“Slow your roll, Webs. The author’s gotta make me do the closing remarks first.”
“Um, what?”
“Bye everyone! Don’t forget to brush your teeth and drink water! Or don’t, I can’t tell you what to do.”
Peter sighed. “Why do you always do that?”
“Because,” The mercenary turned back to him and gave him a peck on the nose for good measure. “The readers love it. And I have no choice. Now let’s go get that coffee.”
“And will your so-called readers be with us?”
“Nope. They’re closing off now.”