Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Daniel James Howell has loved him since the day they met.

Philip Michael Lester was the greatest person you would ever meet. He was.. sensitive and loving, sweet.. He was.. amazing.

They met years before, on the internet.

Dan had always admired Phil, and was taken aback at how Phil took interest in him.

They began talking.

Phil was what encouraged Dan to be a YouTuber.

Since the first day they met in person, Dan has had a crush on Phil.

Well, really, he was in love.

Phil's kindess and gentle nature grew more appealing to Dan every day.

His love grew stronger every day.

But he held it all in.

All his love was concealed, for so long.

Dan had become so used to holding the love inside.

-

It was a cold morning, about 11:45 AM.

Dan had refused to get up, as he was tired, and was curled up in the comfort of his blanket.

He was half-asleep, breathing slowly and about to fall off of his bed, leaning dangerously on the left side.

As he laid on the bed there was a loud thumping sound, probably footsteps, that grew in volume and speed until-

"DANIEL!" shouted a familiar voice. It was Phil. He practically pounced to Dan's side as he rolled over to the other side of the bed and groaned.

"Dan, get up!" Phil said excitedly, but also sounding slightly nervous as he shook Dan vigorously.

"Mm, whaaat," Dan grumbled as he pulled the covers slightly down from his face, exposing his eyes. "I'm sleeping."

"There's something I need you to see," Phil begged, pulling the covers slightly. "It's important, please?"

Phil continued tugging, and Dan stayed quiet for a moment, before hesitantly sitting up. Phil's smile grew large as his flatmate mumbled to himself as he pushed off the covers, showing his plaid pajama bottoms and his shirtless (and hairless, for that matter,) chest.

The hair on Dan's arms and legs stood up as he felt the cool air hit his skin. Phil pulled him up from the bed and pulled him down the hall and pushes him onto the couch.

Phil puts his laptop onto Dan's lap and tells him to click play; on the already loaded video.

'Super Surprise! (With a Special Guest!)', uploaded by AmazingPhil, 38 minutes ago.

Phil was excited and sat down by Dan to watch the video he had uploaded.

Then it began playing.

"Hey guys!" said the Phil in the video, he smirked awkwardly and cleared his throat. "So, today, I decided... today was the day I'd announce something big."

"I decided to um, 'come out'."

Dan raised a brow and looked at Phil, who looked a mix of happy and nervous.

"I discovered a long time ago, that, I wasn't interested in girls... Well, I was. But, not only girls. Boys too... People who are both, or identify otherwise too.. I guess that I'm... 'pansexual'? I mean, yeah. And I'll love anyone if their heart is good."

Dan smiled quickly and looked at Phil. He looked back at the video.

Dan thought to himself, 'He... Maybe, just then.. He'd like me too.. Maybe.. Just maybe.. He'd feel the same.'

Phil looked even happier as Dan smiled, relief washing over him.

Dan continued to watch.

"The main reason I decided to, uh, come out now is because.."

He made a pause and looked outside the camera view and muttered 'come on', and gestured.

Then a man came up. He had long brown hair, slightly down past his chin. He was in a boring, white t-shirt, and black jeans. He sat down by Phil, and Phil quickly took the man's hand.

Dan suddenly felt his heart drop.

No.

This isn't what he thinks, right?

"This is Thomas. We have been together for about.. a year and a half now. And.. I was tired of pushing him in the closet... for so long.. I, um, I love him."

Dan felt his dropped-heart shatter. He was over a year too late.

The man smiled and laughed a little, then spoke. "..As I love you, Phil.." He had an Irish accent, not very thick, but it was there. He placed his second hand on Phil's, squeezing both his hands slightly over Phil's.

"..I hope you all.. Accept this.. and, if you don't-"

"You may leave. I won't allow anyone to hurt my little Philip," Thomas smiled and said, raising a brow. Phil waved, and Thomas put his arm around Phil. The video ended.

Dan's smile faded.

The man he loved was taken.
He was loven by someone else.

Dan looked at Phil, who was grinning like an idiot.

"Surprise," Phil said, laughing a tiny bit.

"I'm glad you.. came out." Dan quickly plastered on a fake smile, holding back any hurt feelings he had. "Are you.... happy?"

"Of course!" Phil responded, so excited. "Did you like Tom? I want you to meet him at some point."

"I-I loved him. He's great. I hope he treats you well."

Phil smiled and stood up.

Dan picked up the laptop shakily and put it beside himself.

"That reminds me, we have a date today. First one in a while!" Phil walked down the hall and yelled from his room. "Sorry to leave so soon after dropping that on you!"

"No - No, it's fine! Just don't stay out too late," Dan fake laughed as Phil emerged agaib with a jacket and keys. He grabbed the door handle. Phil smiled at Dan, then went over and quickly hugged him.

Dan felt like he was going to cry right then and there.

But he didn't.

Phil let go and held his hands on his shoulders, and smiled. He stepped to the door again and laughed. "Love you, Dan!"

He opened the door and began walking out.

"Yeah, I love -" Dan was interrupted by the door closing. "...I love you too."

He stood there for a moment.

Then he started sobbing.

He pulled his hands to his face and let out quiet sobs, that grew louder. He jammed his hand to a fist quickly onto the wall, and winced as he pulled it back. His knuckle had become reddened already, and his eyes were the same.

Tears fell down his cheeks as he thought so many painful thoughts.

'He could have been mine.'

Could have. But he isn't.

-

It was now approximately eight PM. Phil was still out, and Dan was hidden in his room.

The bursts of sobs had started and stopped over time.

At around 1 Dan tried to calm himself by browsing the internet, but it was no use.

Dan was laying on his bed, on his side as he clutched a pillow to himself, his eyes still a burning red, tears still staining his cheeks. He grabbed his phone and sniffled, and cursed the time.

It felt like he had been crying forever.

He mentally damned himself repeatedly as he sat up and wiped his eyes.

'I can be okay,' he thought, though he thought aloud as he mumbled it.

He inhaled deeply and clutched the side of the bed.

"Oh, Phil....." he was now talking to himself about it. "I honestly hope you're happy. I'm not."

He laughed a little, though half-heartedly.

"I really hope Thomas treats you well."

He paused.

"I hope he loves you more than I do."

He lowered his head and felt tje tears brim to the surface once again.

"Fuck," he hissed under his breath, blinking and letting the tears fall down.

He laid back down and just laid on his side. The tears fell again on the side of his face and he closed his eyes. He whimpered to himself as he realized he needed to turn off the lights. He just laid there and thought, 'I'll turn them off when I stop crying.'

'whenever the hell that will be.'

-

Chapter Text

My eyes hurt from crying.
My throat hurts from sobbing.
My heart hurts from loving.

-

Dan awoke at about 9:25 AM, but laid in bed for an extra few minutes.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes and remembered quickly the pain he had felt, the pain he still felt then.

He made a small groan as he stood up from the bed and stretched. He seemed all cried out for the time being, seen as how he cried himself to sleep. Still, Dan was sad. Upset. Hurt. Depressed.

Nevertheless he walked to the door and exitted his room his room.

He walked down and stopped at Phil's bedroom door and thought about it.

'I wonder if Phil's home...' he questioned silently to himself. 'I probably should check.'

He hesitantly grabbed the doorknob and opened it slowly, carefully.. He peeked his head into the room and felt another wave of angst rush over him.

He saw Phil.
And Thomas.

Phil was laying across Thomas' bare chest, both covered with Phil's green and blue blanket.

Dan backed up and dropped his jaw slightly and sucked in a breath. He quickly went back to his room and grabbed his phone and wallet, then ran downstairs and left the apartment.

-

He walked around for a half hour or so before getting a cab to the mall. He walked around random shops to try and get his mind off of Phil.

Eventually he found himself walking through the anime collector's shop.

He looked at the items, and they mostly reminded him of his shared enjoyment of anime with Phil.

He saw a stereotypical school girl outfit. He laughed to himself for a moment as he remembered his conversation with Phil about how he would look good in one.

He figured it wasn't good to be looking around in this shop, seen as how anime was, as mentioned before, a shared love of his and Phil's.

But he looked around, trying to keep his mind off of Phil.

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he pulled it out.

It was a text from Phil.

'Where are you?' -Phil

Dan paused at the text and breathed out slowly, then responded, typing slowly with his left thumb.

'@ the mall' -Dan

Dan slipped the phone back in his pocket, but maybe a minute later it buzzed again. He pulled it out, another text from Phil.

'Ook.' -P

Just as he was preparing to put the phone back in his pocket, his phone buzzed again.

'I was hoping you'd have like an early lunch with me and Tom? So you could get to know him better?' -P

Dan didn't respond. He suddenly felt sad again. He put the phone away and left the anime shop, and went to a fancy sort of mall restaurant, one he KNEW served alcohol.

He sat at a small table in a restaurant, it was called 'Willard's Grill', and it had dimmed lights. It was more of a place for parties or more adult get-togethers, so it was never really busy at this time of day.

A waitress walked up and smiled and said sweetly, brushing her dirty-blonde hair from her face and smirking. "My name is Erica, what can I get for you, sir?"

She had an American accent, it was cute.

"Um... The largest alcoholic beverage you could give me," Dan huffed a little bit of a laugh, and Erica nodded.

"Sure thing, anything else? An appetizer? Some water with the drink?"

Dan shook his head and sighed a little, then smiled, "No, thank you."

The waiteress nodded and walked off to get his order.

A few minutes later she came back and gave him a huge mug of beer, foam just barely staying in and not spilling off the sides.

"Here you are, nice and frothy, not too cold, not too hot," Erica smiled and looked at Dan.

"You alright, Mister...?-"

"Dan - Call me Dan. And yes, I - I'm fine."

Dan grabbed the handle of the mug and nodded and the waitress smirked. "Alright, but if you need anything else, let me know."

She walked away and Dan took a sip of the drink, and then wiped his upper lip on his wrist and sighed.

He pulled out his phone and looked at his recieved texts from Phil.

He took a large chug from the glass of beer, and it was now 3/4 full. He hesitantly texted back finally, to the question of whether he'd like to meet Thomas.

'Ya sure. Can you pick me up?' -D

Dan decided he wanted to meet Thomas. He wanted to see if he was good enough for Phil - If he loved him more.

'If he doesn't seem good enough for Phil, I will tell him so. I will tell Phil I love him,' Dan thought to himself, taking another large gulp.

He felt his phone vibrate in his hand.

'Ok, where are you in the mall?' -P

'Im looking around, but i will meet you in the front section of the mall itself?' -D

'Ok :)' -P

Dan quickly chugged the drink down as the waitress came by and raised a brow.

"Here's your check.. Dan.."

She smiled and left the bill, and Dan nodded as she walked away. He opened it and put down a few pounds to pay and left, taking the escalators down and walking down. He was walking to the front.

'I just need to be happy. I can be happy. All I want is for Phil to be happy. That's all I want. That's all I need.'

As Dan was walking he was stopped by a man with ginger-red hair and he smiled at him, then said slightly louder than he was prepared for, "Hello, Sir! Would you like a few flowers to give to your lovely Missus?..... Or Mister?"

Dan was about to say no, but he paused.

'This will say I'm happy right? I will give them flowers. For both of them. Not just for Phil. Congratulate them for coming out. Yes. Say yes.'

"Yes," Dan smiled quickly. The man handed him a bouquet of tulips, daisies, daffodils, a handful of beautiful flowers.

Dan mumbled 'thank you' and he nodded at him in response. Dan was walking away and getting closer to the front.

The mall had large windows all over the walls, repeated, in a way that most of the walls were windows, only interrupted by foundation supports; pillars and such.

You couldn't see through the windows through the outside, but inside you could.

Dan looked across for moment and saw something in the corner of his eyes.

He looked back. It was Phil. He laughed a little and smiled. Dan forgot he couldn't see through but tried to walk over and wave anyway. Then he saw Thomas run up.

Thomas grabbed Phil's arm and pulled him closer, causing Phil to spin around to face him.

Thomas pulls Phil closer and grabs his cheeks.

Phil's smile diminishes into a look of want, of need, maybe lust..

Phil pushes his face to Thomas and kisses him gently on the lips.

'I won't let it affect me,' Dan thought to himself.

The kiss became rougher, Thomas grabbing Phil's hip and tugging their hips together.

'I won't,' Dan mumbled aloud this time.

Phil pulled his face away, lips still close. Dan read his lips.

They said, 'I love you.'

Dan shook his head and walked away again. He went past people as he held the bouquet down to his side, his grip upon it loosening. Then he felt tears brim in his eyes, and he shut them.

He ran into someone.

He dropped the flowers.

"I'm sorry," Dan says quickly, walking around the woman he bumped into. The woman picked up the bouquet and went back to Dan and stopped him.

"You dropped these, I'm sorry-"

She paused as she saw his red and glossy eyes.

"Hey, are you okay?"

'No. No, I'm not,' Dan thought.

"Yes. I'm fine."

The woman shook her head and stopped Dan as he tried to walk around her. "You clearly aren't, you're crying! Are you okay?"

She brushed her hair behind her ear and frowned a little.

A man started walking up, though Dan didn't notice.

"I'm fine, let me go through, please."

The woman stopped him again. Before she could speak again, Dan shouted.

"I'm fine! Let me leave!"

Just then the man who was previously walking up stopped by them.

"Hey, what's the problem? Are you yelling at my girlfriend?" the man asks, pushing Dan back slightly.

The woman grabs his arm, "No, no, Matt, It's fine, he's just upset, leave him alone."

"No, no, Cindy, this guy yelled at you."

Dan stood there as the couple argued momentarily before the man, known apparently as 'Matt' pushed Dan again.

"What, you like yelling at girls, ah?"

"I like yelling at everyone, actually." Dan said slyly, though he shouldn't have.

Matt pushed him again and Dan pushed back this time.

"Stop! Stop!!" The woman, Cindy, yelled, trying to pull her boyfriend back. He put his hand back to shush her and Dan socked him, right in the jaw.

Before Dan could tell him to piss off, and to be better to his girlfriend, the man hit him back, but harder.

Then they went into a brawl.

They were hitting eachother, kicking, clawing -

That is, until Mall Security came.

"Hey! Knock it off!" They pulled them apart, holding their shirts and shoulders.

Matt tried to push away from the security that held him, and Dan in return kicked Matt in the groin, forgetting, in that moment, Phil was probably inside by now. Dan then realized that tears were streaming down his bruised cheeks, stinging his eyes.

The security put handcuffs on both Dan, and the man, and turned them around to take them out the door.

Right when Phil and Thomas came in.

-

Chapter Text

"Dan?"

A holding cell, also used as where they put drunken people to sober up in a police station.

Dan was in one.

After his previous scuffle with the man, Matt, he was taken in to calm down.

His eyes were still red, [though his left eye was slightly darkened, a black eye,] as he sat and waited.

Then at the front of the cell, as he looked up, he saw a police officer, unlocking the door.

Behind him, he saw a glimpse of Phil.

"Come on, you're free to go." The officer said as he opened the door.

Phil sat there, staring at him, worried.

Dan stood up slowly, and walked out. He rubbed his hair and sighed deeply as he saw Phil.

Phil grabbed his arm and began pulling him out of the police station. He stopped outside and in front.

"Dan, what the heck happened?!" Phil asked, scared and worried.

"Nothing. Got into a scuffle, that was it." Dan sniffled and brushed off his shirt a little. He tried to continue walking, but Phil grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him back in front of him.

"Dan. Something is wrong.. Please, tell me."

Dan shrugged Phil's hand off of his shoulder and gave an indifferent expression.

"I'm okay," he shook his head, then gave a small smile.

Phil gave a small frown and sighed.

".....Okay.."

Dan started walking down the steps, and then Phil walked closer and grabbed his shoulder.

"Thomas is going to drive us home."

Dan gave a small groan, then smiled a little.

"I was gonna walk," he said.

"No, no, come on, I want you to meet Thomas!"

Dan frowned a little, looking away from Phil for a moment.

"Alright."

Phil smiled and pulled Dan to a blue car.

Inside was Thomas, in the driver seat.

Dan sat in the back seat, and Phil sat up in the front.

-

They were close to home now, and Phil and Thomas were talking the whole way there.

Then Thomas looked back at Dan for a small moment.

"So, Dan, tell me about yourself!"

Dan looked at Thomas momentarily and looked out the window.

"I'm.. a funny twat."

Thomas snickered a little, and looked back.

"Phil's told me plenty about you."

"Oh? Like what?..." Dan sighed a little and smirked.

"I told him you were smart, funny, and my very best friend," Phil interjected, smiling.

"He also told me how he loved you to bits." Thomas laughed as well, pulling up in front of Dan and Phil's apartment.

Dan felt slightly hurt still, but tried to hold it back. He stepped out of the car.

"Thank you for taking us home, Tom," Phil smiled. He went up closer and kissed Thomas's cheek.

"Any time," Thomas smirked and kissed Phil on the lips.

Phil scooted out of the seat anf closed his door, then waved bye as he drove off.

When he turned around, Dan was already stepping inside the apartment.

Phil walked inside and followed after Dan, and yelled down the hall as Dan stepped into his room.

"So what do you think of Thomas?"

Dan paused for a second.

"I... I think he's okay. He's good."

That broke Dan's heart.
Thomas was good for Phil.
Dan didn't want to ruin their happiness, especially not Phil's.

Phil smiled and went to his room.

Dan closed his bedroom door and sat on his bed.

He began to cry again.

Quietly this time, just the tears streaming.

'I need to let Phil go,' he thought to himself.

He sat there and cried for a moment and realized he couldn't hold everything in.

So he decided he needed vent.
To rant.
How would he do that?

-

Dan had pulled up the chair in his room, had set up lighting, and his camera, and was otherwise prepapred.

For what?

To post another vlog.

He turned on the camera and started recording.

"...Hey, guys.."

Dan sighed and rubbed his eyes for a second as he looked at the camera.

"I, uh, I want to be honest. Lately.. I've been feeling pretty down," he glanced over at the door and looked back at the camera.

"I wanted to talk about it, but I didn't.. want to talk about it? I didn't know what I wanted - I DON'T.. know what I want.. I need to vent, honestly, and I need to.. be heard. I just couldn't talk to myself."

He inhaled sharply, using every ounce of strength he had not to cry. He rubbed his face and sniffed and sighed.

"I.. I'm in love.." He sighed shakily again, then continued, "...With this... girl."

He couldn't say he was in love with a man, because he hadn't come out.

He couldn't say he was in love with a 'person' and not specify because people would pester him and ask if he loved Phil.

Granted, he did, but it would have felt terrible at this point to hear it.

He couldn't OUTRIGHT say he loved Phil, either, so the best option was to say he was in love with a woman.

"H-..." he stopped himself, then continued. "She's.. the most wonderful person.. She's sweet, and kind, and funny.. She has helped me through incredibly hard times. I've known her for.... years."

He smiled at the last bit a little, then looked down at his lap.

"She's the greatest person you would ever meet - There are no exact words you could describe her with. She.. makes me feel wonderful, even if I feel like absolute shit... Usually.."

"She's in love with someone else. Someone who is ten times better for her than I could ever be. She deserves them, and I don't want to take away her happiness.." he looked up at the camera and gave a sarcastic smile. "I just.. I want her to be happy, and so.. I hurt for it."

He gave a small shrug.

"It's going to be hard to get over her. If I even can, that is," he laughed a little and sighed.

"I just needed to rant, so.. here. There's my rant. It's reverse Internet Support Group," he smiled and then waved bye, muttered a few goodbyes and turned off the camera. He didn't even bother with a 'click here to subscribe'.

He just stopped recording, put everything away, and moved the video to his desktop.

Then he uploaded the video, no editing whatsoever.

He titled it 'much sad - so angst - wow'

He snickered at the title.

Then, after it uploaded his barely, three-minute long video, he put the laptop to sleep, and laid in his bed.

He stared at the ceiling for what seemed like hours.

He checked the clock. It was 5:30 PM.

He continued looking at the ceiling until he fell asleep.

-

"Dan?"

A familiar voice was heard as Dan felt poking on his shoulder.

"I'll tickle your neck if you don't get up."

Dan opened his eyes, and his vision was blurred momentarily before he looked and saw Phil.

He looked out the window, it was still light outside.

"Mnn, what time is it..?" Dan groaned a little, and looked at the clock. It was around 5:50 PM.

Only twenty minutes?..

Dan sat up slightly and looked at Phil. Phil looked at Dan concerningly, and Dan gave the same concerned look.

"What - What's wrong?" Dan said quickly, confused.

"I saw your vlog," Phil responded, slightly upbeat.

Dan bit his lip and rolled over on the bed, and quickly pulled a pillow to himself, and cuddled it, as it covered his face, all but from the eyes up.

"Oh, yeah?" Dan tried to play it off, mumbling into his pillow.

"You could have always talked to me, you know." Phil frowned a little and scooted up on the bed, and sat beside Dan, who shivered momentarily as he felt Phil's legs touch his back.

"Tell me about this girl. Is she pretty?"

Dan smiled, lips still pressed against the pillow.

"The most beautiful person you'll ever meet. But that's not why I... love her."

"Why do you love her?" Phil said, happily.

"...There are..... so many words I could say." Dan sighed quietly. "...Friendly and selfless.. Kind and sweet.. Odd, weird, but hilarious.. I.."

"All of those words would describe her, if only they were more intense. She's perfect." Dan smiled again, forgetting his pain for a moment.

"I guess you could say.. she's.. Amazing?" Phil said, grinning wide at his joke.

Dan flipped over to face Phil, and smacked his arm lightly, quickly shouting, "Shut up!.."

They both laughed and poked at eachother for a moment.

"Is she more AMAZING then me?" Phil asked, sounding like a lost puppy dog, though he was being sarcastic.

"....You're both equally amazing, Phil." Dan smirked.

Dan sat up by Phil now, their sides mashed together.

"I think she's stupid not to like you back."

Dan smirked, though feeling pained inside.

Phil didn't even know he was talking about himself.

"No, she's not.."

"Yes she is, I don't care what anyone says, she is!" Phil laughed and pushed Dan with his shoulder. "You are the best person in the world, and anyone would be incredibly lucky to have you."

Dan smiled.

"Thanks..."

They sat there for a moment, then Dan looked over at Phil.

"Anyone...?" Dan asked, raising a brow.

Phil smacked Dan's leg lightly, then smiled back. "Absolutely anyone."

After that, without any hesitation, Dan leaned in.

Dan kissed Phil.

Their tender lips collided, and Phil found himself kissing back, despite his relationship with Thomas.

The only thoughs running - racing, rather, through his head, was 'could he love me too'

That was all he asked himself as Dan put his hand up to Phil's face. He grabbed his reddening cheek and deepened the kiss.

Just then, Phil pulled away.

"I k- I- Dan, I c-can-t, I--"

-

Chapter Text

"I- I can- Dan, I can't.. "

Phil was now pulling away from Dan, after the heated kiss they shared only a moment ago. He was now moving off the bed.

"I-I can't, I don't want to do this to Thomas, I.."

Dan felt more crushed then he had a few days ago.

"Phil.."

Phil shook his head and frowned at Dan, a small quiver in his lip. "I'm sorry-"

"You're sorry?.." Dan huffed a little. "I fucking love you."

Phil squeaked a little and stayed quiet, not saying a word.

"I love you. And you reject me. And you're sorry?"

Phil shook his head, "Dan, it- it's just T-"

"Thomas? It's Thomas. I know you love him. But I love you."

Dan stood up now and walked to Phil and put his face a few inches from Phil's. "I just want you to be happy, Phil."

Phil stayed silent again.

"I want you to be the happiest person alive. But I also want you to be mine."

"I.. know.. Dan.. I.." Phil was practically bawling now, his voice shaky and tears streaming. Dan's eyes barely broke a sweat, just glossy now.

"Dan, I do love you, believe me, b-"

"But you love me as a friend. I understand." Dan walked back to the nightstand on the right side of his bed and mumbled something about 'trying'. "You can go Phil. I understand."

Phil was making silent sobs and Dan frowned. He walked to Phil again and pulled him into a hug and Phil cried a small bit harder as he hesitantly wrapped his arms around Dan, and mumbled countless apologies.

Dan rubbed his back and sighed, a tear rolling down his cheek, but seemed unaffected otherwise, now.

"It's alright, Phil, I-... I'm sorry I yelled, I had no right- I.." Dan sighed again and slowed his talking. "I just... want you to be happy, and safe."

Phil inhaled and stopped crying and mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Dan let go and held Phil's shoulders and smiled. "It's okay."

Phil sniffed and smiled a little and wiped his cheeks. Dan smiled as well and opened his door. "Go and hang out with Thomas, it's alright. Go be happy."

Phil smiled, "Are you sure?"

"Of course."

Phil nodded and exitted his room, and Dan closed the door.

Dan then sat on his bed and felt his eyes burn again as they welled with tears. He leaned over and rubbed his face as he let out little sobs.

"Damnit," he cursed under his breath, between sobs. He stood up and paced around, mumbling words of anger and saddness and hatred and love.

He was absolutely crushed.

He grabbed a picture of himself and Phil that was framed from his nightstand and stared at it, still crying. Tears fell from his face and onto the frame, and then growled and tossed it on the bed. It bounced off and fell on the floor.

He felt angry, but slowly turned sad once again and cried harder. He shook his head and walked to his bedroom door to get tissues to wipe his face. He looked back and saw the broken picture frame, the glass pane up against the nightstand and chipped, the picture bent..

He fell against the door and slid down to a sitting position and held his knees to his chest and ran his fingers through his hair and mumbled, "What's wrong with me?"

He whispered as his tear ducts slowed production. "Please, I want to let him go."

-

Chapter Text

Dan was laying on his bed.

Thinking about Phil, of course.

He was quiet, not a single tear flowing. Like he was all cried out.

He was calm and stiff.

'Phil deserves to be happy', Dam thought. 'He should be with Thomas.'

He closed his eyes tightly.

'They love eachother. I need to let them be happy. For Phil's sake.'

He stayed silent still and breathed slowly, and the only thought running in his head now was...

'I love Phil Lester.'

Then he heard a shout, and he opened his eyes.

He looked at the door and bolted up as he heard footsteps grow louder, until his door flung open.

It was Thomas.
He looked absolutely angry, and Phil was behind him.

"T-Thomas calm down.." Phil whispered, worried and slightly frightened.

"No, Phil!" He yelled back, walking to Dan, who stood up from his bed and was concerned. Thomas was seething, his face was red, fists clenched.. He was absolutely, positively, horrifically, furious.

"You kissed Phil??" He shouted at Dan and almost lunged at him, but Phil grabbed his arm, and Dan backed up.

"I- I-" Dan didn't know what to say. He did. He kissed Phil. He kissed his soft lips and never wanted it to end.

"It is-isn't a big deal, Tom.." Phil looked at Thomas, frowning and then looked at Dan, who was still quiet and unsure.

Thomas looked at Phil, still mad. Then he looked at Dan.

"I-I'm- so sorry- I-"

Dan's apologies tasted awful in his mouth, as they were untrue.

Dan wasn't sorry.

"You're sorry?" Thomas scoffed.

No.

"You kissed my boyfriend. And you're sorry?"

Not really, no.

'Now he's sounding like I did' Dan laughed a little unintentionally at his thought.

"You think this is funny?" Thomas glared. "B-Because it's not."

Phil was still and scared and silent, staring at Dan.

Dan shook his head.

"N-No I.. I just.." Dan trailed off.

"You what? You love Phil? Well so do I," Thomas glared harder, now standing in front of Dan. "And he's already with me."

Dan looked at Phil, who's eyes were glossy, and Dan looked at his jacket.

"I-I'm sorry-" He grabbed his jacket and started heading to the bedroom door. "Y-you're right, i-in every way-.."

He grabbed his keys and went to the door.

"D-Dan! Wait!" Phil ran after him, but Dan shook his head. He opened the door and closed it gently behind him.

Phil stared at the door and almost ran out, but Thomas grabbed his arm.

"Phil....." Thomas said quietly. He grabbed Phil's cheeks and kissed his lips, now tears falling on both their faces.

"Thomas.... You didn't h-have to scare him off.." Phil gave small, breathless sobs, leaning their foreheads together.

"Phil..." Thomas whispered, pulling his forehead away and staring at Phil.

"...Do you... Do you love me?..."

"W-what?" Phil widened his eyes, tears falling faster and a loud sob escaping him, unintentionally.

"Answer the question!..." He shouted momentarily, startling Phil. "...Do you love me... or do you love Dan?"

"Dan's my b-best friend, I-I love you both-"

"You know what I mean, Phillip!!"

Thomas was now in tears, and he pulled away.

"...Do you love me.. or Dan..?"

-

Dan was walking, just walking. Nowhere to go, nowhere to be. He didn't want to go home until he felt Thomas wouldn't be there. Better yet, if no one was home.

Dan held his head down and just walked quickly, just walking.

'Walk until your feet are sore.' he thought. 'Don't go back until you're ready to collapse.'

Nothing could keep Dan's mind off of Phil.

He needed to be with him.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't go back.

Not yet.

'I love Phil Lester, I love Phil Lester,' his mind was pouring with love, pain, heartache, and anger- He could barely think to stop and look before crossing a street.

"I have to tell Phil all of this." he mumbled to himself.

"All or nothing...." he turned around.

"I need Phil to be mine, otherwise I can't.. have him in my life..."

He was hesitant again. He stared down the road.

'Don't hesitate. Go big or go home....... Although for this I have to go home.'

Dan shook his head. He stared down the block for moment.

And then he ran.

Chapter Text

Dan ran down the street, back home.. He was actually grinning a bit, feeling a small rush.

He excitedly ran back to the front door and halted.

'Should I go in?' he was having second thoughts.

He looked behind him and didn't see Thomas' car anymore. He looked to the door quietly and slowly opened it. He saw Phil sitting a few steps up the stairs, crying as he furthered inside.

"...Phil?.." he looked at him quietly. Why was he crying? Did Thomas do or say something? Did I do something?

Phil looked up at Dan and quickly wiped his eyes and seemed a small bit happier.

"D-Dan..." Phil said quietly and hesitantly.

"Phil, I-... I'm sorry. B-but I love you. I need you. I can't watch you with someone else, someone who can't possibly love you as much as I do."

Phil sniffled and stayed quiet, watching Dan.

"I-I love you more than anything in the whole world, I-I would give anything to be with you- I-"

"Dan..." Phil interrupted.

"No, Phil, please, listen to me." Dan shook his head.

"I don't know what it would take for me to be with you, I just need you. I need you so badly. I need to be able to hold you and-and kiss you and say you're mine. To shout it from the rooftops. To tell everyone that Philip Michael Lester is mine!"

Dan was panting now, not sure what else he could say.

"I've been holding this in for.. so long, Phil. But... I love you." He walked to Phil on the stairs.

"Please... I.." Dan trailed off trying to catch his breath.

Phil stood up and walked down the stairs, and Dan stepped back to let him down, in front of him.

Before any other words were spoken, Phil crashed his lips into Dan's.

They held eachother close as they kissed passionately, hands running in their hair and up and down their bodies.

Phil pulled back and Dan held his cheeks, eyes watering.

"I-I love you too. I.." he trailed off and looked away, only to look back and smile. "Thomas a-asked me if I loved him, or you... I realized.. it was you.."

Dan pulled Phil into a hug and they held eachother tightly, hugging excitedly and sniffling and mumbling 'I love you' to eachother.

Now that Dan could say it freely, he knew he never wanted to go a single day without saying it.

I love you, Philip Michael Lester.

And I love you, Daniel James Howell.

-

A few months later, they posted a video to both their channels.

Entitled, 'An Important Announcement'

In the video, Dan had come out of the closet as pansexual, just as Phil had, months prior.

Then, they announced the even more shocking news.

"....soooo.." Phil looked at Dan.

"Also, another announcement is... um..." Phil was laughing a little and still looking at Dan.

"Phan is canon." Dan snickered. "Phil and I are dating, after a..."

Dan rubbed the back of his neck. "..After an emotional mess.."

"What matters is that we are together," Phil grinned and kissed Dan.

Dan smiled and put his arm around Phil.

"Yeah.."

"I love Phil," Dan looked at Phil, and they stared at eachother.

"And I love Dan." Phil replied, smiling. "....But I love you more."

"No way," Dan shook his head, laughing. "I love you more."

"Nuh-uh, I love you more!" Phil shook his head as well.

"Nope."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yeeeeah.."

"N-"

Phil cut off Dan with a kiss on the lips.

When they pulled away, Dan was mildly red.

"......." Dan then slowly shook his head. "I still love you more."

Phil groaned and looked at tje camera, "I almost had him, by this much!" He gestured his fingers for a small item.

"Sure you did."

"I did!"

"Shush."

"Make me."

Dan looked at Phil suggestively, then at the camera.

He reached to it, and it suddenly turned off.

Needless to say, everyone in the phandom that day (week, month... year.....) were pretty destroyed by how adorable this all was.

But in the end...

Dan and Phil were together.

They were in love.

And that's all they ever wanted, even if for awhile, Phil didn't know it.

To be together.

-

The End.

-