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"What does love mean to you?"
In hindsight this was a simple question, really. Platonic love, romantic love, family love, it was a sentiment everyone felt at least once in their life. But simple questions don't always have simple answers.
"That's quite a loaded question you're asking me there, Mizuki." They were honestly expecting Rui not to answer something like this immediately. "What's up all of a sudden?" his smile held his usual warmth as he put his lunchbox down, giving them his full attention.
"Nothing in particular, just curious." They kept eating their lunch, trying to seem unbothered even as they felt Rui's eyes focused on their form as if trying to read them. There was no point in lying to him, Mizuki knew he would see right through them if they did, so they settled on relying on that side of his, hoping he could see the silent plea between the lines. Don't ask me further about this.
And he did.
"Hmm, let's see..." he turned his gaze from Mizuki towards the sky as he leaned against the fence of the rooftop, placing a hand on his chin as he contemplated. "I guess deciding to stay with someone through thick and thin. Spending a lifetime by someone's side, seeing them both at their best and their worst, and still feeling like you want to spend an eternity more with them."
Kusanagi-san, huh?
"You sure changed a lot, Rui." Mizuki couldn't help but chuckle fondly as the situation felt way too familiar. Two people sitting on a rooftop, eating lunch and enjoying each other's company when they were all each other had. Except that back then Rui's eyes didn't hold even an ounce of the brightness they did now.
"So did you." the way he didn't even hesitate to shoot the retort back almost made Mizuki believe him. Almost.
It was true that neither themself or Rui could say they were alone now. But compared to him, could they really say they changed when the heaviness in their heart never left? When the sense of not belonging kept plaguing their mind for longer than they could remember? They could try to dispute his claim, but they couldn't bring up the will to do it. So they settled on doing what they did best.
"After everything I sure hope I look different now." their chuckle was forced, they knew that, and as Rui's smile turned into a worried frown, Mizuki could only hope he wouldn't push further.
"I didn't mean-" he ended up shaking his head, stopping himself. Picking up his own lunch again, he started searching through it, grabbing all the vegetables he could find and placing them in Mizuki's lunchbox. "I'll take this as payment for making me answer such a heavy question without prior warning."
They let out a sigh of relief, grateful that Rui always knew when to push and when not to. "You know, you really need to eat vegetables too, they're good for you and-AH, hey! Don't put your mushrooms in my lunch!"
The heavy atmosphere of their previous talk started clearing out as they started a chopsticks fight, pushing mushrooms from one lunchbox to the other. Mizuki didn't know if they were any closer to finding an answer to their own question, but they knew they didn't regret coming to Rui with it.
~~~~~~
"What does love mean to you?"
They would have laughed at the almost comically confused look An was giving them if the anxiety in their chest wasn't stronger than ever. This was An, she already knew everything about them and she decided to still be their friend, so they knew they didn't have anything to worry about...they really did, but their heart felt heavy regardless while they waited for an answer.
"That's an unusual question coming from you. What's wrong?" They hated how they could notice the slightly worried look on her face. She worried about them countless times in the past, most of the time even going out of her way to make them feel safe and comfortable at school even if her own reputation was at risk, so the last thing they wanted to do was to make her worry further. Thankfully, she didn't know them as well as Rui did, so they knew they could escape with a lie.
"You know how I'm part of a group that makes music, right?"
"Ah, yeah." as soon as they saw her shoulders relax slightly, they kept going.
"We decided to write a love song for a change, and it's a bit unusual for us so we're kinda...stuck." they chuckled awkwardly, but judging by the understanding look that crossed An's face, she believed them. "I decided to ask a few people what love meant to them, thinking that maybe some inspiration would hit me."
"Oh I see, I see." she nodded before frowning slightly. "Still, that's a pretty heavy question. Let me think..."
As she got lost in thought, she started to absentmindedly scribble in her notebook. Mizuki was about to stop her the moment she started drawing over the notes she took in class, but as soon as they saw the messy notes themselves they decided against it, making a mental note to lend her their notebook before a test. As a couple more minutes passed, one of An's scribbles started to look awfully a lot like a hamster. The moment An saw what she drew, realization crossed her face before she lifted her head again, making eye contact with Mizuki.
"Having someone to rely on and having them rely on you as well. Knowing you could talk with someone about any problems you might have and realizing they would still be there, having your back. And offering that in return as well." When did all that loneliness leave her eyes, Mizuki couldn't help but wonder.
Kohane-chan...
"Wow, I feel like I should have recorded you. I don't think I'll ever be able to get you to say something as corny again." They couldn't help the witty remark. They had to say it because they knew if they didn't, they would have risked saying something else, something stupid, and having An see through their façade.
They chuckled as An's face slowly started turning red, becoming uncharacteristically flustered.
"Wh-You were the one to ask me such a weird question in the first place!"
They just stuck their tongue out at her, winking as they stood up from An's desk and ran towards their own seat just in time before the teacher entered their classroom. An's answer felt so similar yet so different from Rui's, it just left Mizuki with more questions than answers. Maybe they were getting nowhere this way, asking people the same question and expecting an answer that will make them feel any different, but in the end it was the only thing left they could do.
~~~~~~
"What does love mean to you?"
"Huh?"
This was risky. No, this was beyond risky, this was reckless. Asking him of all people this question could lead to a discussion that Mizuki didn't want to have yet. A discussion that they didn't feel ready to have, and might never be ready to. And yet their mouth opened and those words came out before they even realized it, so they couldn't backtrack now, they had to keep playing along.
"Come on, li'l brosef. Love? You do feel love, don't you?"
Judging by the look Akito was giving them, if he wasn't currently waiting for Toya to finish his library duty he would have left them right there and then, without answering their question. Instead he sighed defeatedly before crossing his arms and looking at Mizuki with a frown.
"You won't leave me alone unless I answer, will you?"
"I won't." they just grinned in return, hoping their appearance didn't give away how unsure and anxious they were feeling.
"Trust." his answer came so quick and without hesitation that it just left them staring at him for a moment, mouth agape. The moment they realized he wasn't going to say anything else or elaborate any further, they snapped back to reality.
"That's it? Just trust?"
"Does there need to be anything else? If you trust someone, everything else just follows naturally. Safety, security, comfort, understanding." Akito's eyes softened as he uncrossed his arms, scratching the back of his head before speaking up again, in a voice barely above a whisper which he probably thought Mizuki couldn't hear. "Well it's not like I fully understood that until I found a partner of my own."
Ah, Toya-kun.
They should have said something in return to keep up their façade, they knew they should have, but they just found themself unable to speak as a lump started forming in their throat. The only thing they managed to register was the sigh Akito let out before he asked the one thing Mizuki hoped he wouldn't.
"Is this about my sister?"
Oh...having that actually be put into words really made everything feel more real. Deep inside they knew why they kept asking, but they never dared to actually admit it because they knew that if they did, it would become something they had to deal with. And they weren't ready for that. They were nowhere near ready for that.
"E-Ena? Why would she have anything to do with this?" they knew they didn't sound anywhere near convincing even for someone like Akito, but they didn't wait for him to point it out. "Anyways, thanks for answering, see you later!"
They could register him calling out to them, but they kept running, ignoring all the weird looks that were shot their way as soon as they entered the school bathroom, locking themself in a stall. Maybe using a bathroom stall to calm down wasn't such a good idea, the atmosphere feeling suffocating between the 4 walls. There was only one place left they could go.
Reaching out for their phone in their blazer pocket, their finger hovered over the play button of Untitled almost as if on instinct. They didn't hesitate to press down, letting the comforting light take them to the only place they knew they could calm themself down.
~~~~~~
Mizuki didn't know how much time passed since they entered the SEKAI and curled up next to one of the weird blocks that came out of the ground, they just knew it was enough for their heart to finally calm down and let them feel like they could breathe again. They wondered what kind of face they made when they first got there that it made Miku look so worried. They could tell she wanted to comfort them, but at that time they really didn't want to talk with anyone, and MEIKO seemed to have felt that. So she uncharacteristically got involved in their matter, grabbing Miku and Rin by their hands and wondering off somewhere in the distance, leaving Mizuki alone with their thoughts.
They shouldn't have talked with Akito, and yet they still did it. Now everything was put out in the world. Everything suddenly became real and Mizuki wasn't ready for it.
"You look like crap."
And of course this was their luck. The one person they felt like they didn't want to see or talk to was here.
"What are you doing here, Ena?" Mizuki chuckled bitterly.
"Well Akito sent me a message, which is unusual in itself, and that message turned out to be about you." they could see from the corner of their eye how Ena grabbed her phone, unlocking it before speaking up again. "He said, and I quote, 'I talked with Akiyama and they seemed weird today. Not like their usual weird, just weird.'"
They just huffed, holding their knees up to their chest and resting their chin on top, a defeated smile on their face. "Who knows."
"Mizuki..."
They knew this was it. They knew they couldn't escape this the moment Ena sat down in front of them, meeting their eyes. They knew they couldn't hide away the moment they couldn't break eye contact with those eyes that held warmth and worry, instead of the anger and frustration they expected.
"Ena, what does love mean to you?"
"...What?"
"It's a simple question, isn't it?" their voice sounded defeated and tired, they knew it did, but in the end this was the one person they actually needed to hear an answer to this question from.
"I wouldn't say it's simple, no. What does that even have to do with anything?" Ena's eyes seemed to have started searching Mizuki's own for any answers, but Mizuki just closed theirs.
"Don't you find it ironic? We talk and talk about love, but it's above the clouds. Falling in love with someone who's been with you since you were kids and expecting to spend your whole life together? Having someone to always rely on and expecting them to rely back on you?" They tried their best to keep their voice unwavering, but even as they dug their nails in the palms of their hands, the tears still came to the surface. Yet they still continued. "Trusting someone with your everything and not expecting them to hurt you?"
"...What's wrong with all of that?" Ena's voice remained unwavering, but Mizuki couldn't dare to open their eyes.
"This isn't a fairy tale. It's absurd to think that love can mean something beautiful like that." They hated it. They hated that Ena now had to see this side of them. It would have been better if they hadn't asked anything, if they could go back to being their usual self and pretend like nothing happened. Because, despite everything, Ena is still someone who looks up whenever she falls down, who sees the good in everyone and everything. That's why they...they...
"You can't believe it even though you have it happening right in front of you?"
"Huh?"
When they finally opened their eyes to meet Ena's own again, the warmth and worry was still there, but this time they were joined by hurt as her eyes were shinning with unshed tears.
"You know, Mizuki...For me love means having someone who you wouldn't mind waiting an eternity just to see them happy."
"But...that's..." They understood what Ena was implying, but it still didn't change anything. Yet she didn't let them interrupt.
"You can say it's absurd, or impossible, or whatever. It still doesn't change that I am right here in front of you, and that I will stubbornly follow you wherever you go for as long as it takes, and beyond that too." Ena didn't break eye contact with them as she leaned forward, resting her forehead against their own, eyes piercing through theirs before she spoke up again. "Mizuki, what does love mean to you?"
They once again felt like they couldn't breathe as their heart rate picked back up, eyes threatening to spill with tears one more time. They spent an entire week asking people what love meant for them, but they never truly had an answer to that question themself.
"I...don't know." they just shook their head, letting the tears spill from their eyes as they dropped their head on Ena's shoulder. "I don't know...I just know that whenever I think of love, I think of you." They raised their arms up, wrapping them around Ena and squeezing her tight, afraid that if they didn't she would suddenly disappear, despite her previous words. "I think of you, and that terrifies me. Because you don't know everything about me, Ena...And if, when you do end up finding out, you will leave and I will lose you, I-"
"That's not going to happen." Her words were firm as she pushed slightly on their shoulders, wanting to make sure they could see the truth and conviction in her eyes as she spoke up the next words. "Because Mizuki is Mizuki, no matter what. Because Mizuki is the one I fell in love with, and from here on out everything new I learn would just add more to the Mizuki I love."
'You can't truly know that.' was on the tip of their tongue, but to their surprise they couldn't let those words out. As Ena's eyes stared into their own, unwavering, part of them felt like they could believe her words. So they settled on just nodding their head, not believing their voice to speak steadily.
The moment she saw they weren't about to object, Ena smiled, standing up and reaching her hand towards Mizuki to help them to their feet as well.
"Alright, come over and I'll cook you something, you need to eat."
"Don't worry...I ate lunch at school, I'm not really-" as soon as they were about to say they weren't hungry, their stomach started growling.
Ena just raised one eyebrow up as she didn't let go of their hand. "Lunch was 6 hours ago, you're coming back with me and you're going to eat what I'm cooking you."
"Ah, bossy Ena is back." They chuckled as their heart started feeling at ease again the moment the heavy atmosphere cleared up.
She just shot them a sharp look before she gripped their hand a bit tighter as she grabbed her phone again, stopping Untitled and allowing them to return back to the real world.
~~~~~~
As soon as they were back to the real world, a comfortable silence overtook them as Mizuki sat down at the kitchen table, watching Ena grab the ingredients to cook them dinner. The silence didn't last too long however, as the front door suddenly opened making Ena's shoulders stiffen.
"I'm home."
As soon as she heard Akito's voice, Mizuki could see her shoulders relax back down.
"Welcome home. Come to the kitchen."
They couldn't help but shoot Ena a confused look as she was being uncharacteristically nice to Akito. His face seemed to match Mizuki's own as he entered the kitchen.
"Um, you want something?"
"No, just sit down, I'm making us dinner."
Akito just turned in Mizuki's direction, shooting them a confused frown. They just raised their shoulders in response, shaking their head to show him they had no idea what was going on.
As soon as Ena finished their dinner, preparing Mizuki's plate first so it could cool down before she was done with the other two plates, she sat down at the table with the two of them.
"Alright, dig in."
Akito picked up his chopsticks, poking and prodding at his food. "Did you put sugar instead of salt on it or something?"
"Hey! It's normal food, I can't do something nice for you for once?" As soon as that question left her mouth, both Mizuki and Akito raised an eyebrow in her direction, making her huff. "You two are impossible." sighing, she turned towards Akito. "This is as a thank you for letting me know about this idiot not feeling well."
"Oh, so you're back to being your usual weird?" he asked as he was satisfied with Ena's answer, finally starting to eat his own food.
"Why do you of all people have to put it that way?" they chuckled, warmth blossoming in their chest at the comfortable banter. It felt nice, eating together like this without any worries for a while. "Li'l bro-" they interrupted themself, shaking their head before smiling. "Thank you, Akito-kun."
He frowned in their direction, looking confused again. "You're...welcome?"
His dumbfounded expression led to Ena kicking him on his leg under the table. "Do you not like it when people are nice to you?"
"How is it my fault that I'm not used to people being nice to me?!"
Mizuki started laughing as Ena and Akito went back to their usual banter, their dinner almost forgotten. They would make sure to talk with Rui and An tomorrow too, explain everything to them, let An know the truth as well and thank them for helping. Because even if Mizuki still didn't know what love truly meant to them, they knew one thing for sure: they loved their girlfriend and their friends.