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Klaus closed the lid of Kol's coffin. "Brother," Elijah wasn't strong enough to knock off Klaus head without a witch, but Elijah was considering the most effective way to attempt to do so, "I just need you to help me in one last grand endeavor."

Elijah could take out Klaus' heart. In theory. A few decades into their vampirism, he'd accidently taken Finn's. He hadn't meant to, but Finn's ranting had made Rebekah cry, and he'd lost his temper. It grew back quickly enough.

"We need to end Stefan Salvatore."

Elijah, who had been about to take off his cufflink in order to test his theories about how vulnerable his little brother's rib cage was, paused. "Stefan Salvatore was the name of Rebekah's last lover, wasn't it?"

Klaus did not dignify that with an answer.

"Niklaus!"

For a few minutes, things became very violent and bloody.

-

"You should be proud of me, big brother," Klaus snapped. He was pacing around like a caged wild animal. Worst of all, his hair was a mess, and Elijah itched to comb out the tangles. He refrained. He, after all, was homicidally angry. Caretaking might send the wrong message. "I almost undaggered Kol. The things that Stefan could have taught him would have been a nightmare for you and your affinity for discretion. But I didn't, because I was respecting your sacrifice."

Father was a topic he didn't want to get into. Kol. Kol, however. Elijah took of his blood soaked jacket coat and folded it. He rested it on Kol's coffin. "I thought," he intoned his voice with venom, "we agreed that his daggerings were meant to teach him control. Not - ." Elijah attacked.

Klaus screams were likely loud enough for the entire town to hear. "Not my right arm, Elijah! I need that one for painting."

On top of being homicidal, Elijah was feeling petty. "Wait until you've seen what I've done with your exhibit in London." He dodged the vase Klaus threw at him. "It involved Cra-Z-Art crayons."

The yellow eyes of the wolf came out. This time, Klaus attacked.

-

It was early in the evening when Elijah woke back up. He was lying comfortably on the couch, but his neck still burned. "It was not my intention to poison you with my werewolf venom. Accidents sometimes happen, as you well know. So, you can't hold it against me," Klaus was sitting down next to him and was pressing a damp towel at Elijah's slowly healing wound. "And I understand my fib about Rebekah vexed you, but if you had to desecrate my art, you should have stuck with Crayola."

"If it makes you feel any better, the red and brown crayons melted all over a favorite suit of mine," Elijah said, "I could not salvage it."

It did, quite considerably.

-

When he was motivated, Klaus manners were impeccable. He was also not above bribery and he happened to have dozens of bottles of red wine aged over a five hundred years that he knew Elijah would enjoy. A brief taste of hybrid werewolf venom seemed to calm Elijah down enough to stop trying to lob off Klaus head every few minutes. The dinner they were having together was downright lovely, the broken shards of chandelier they hadn't yet cleaned up, aside.

"I'm not going to help you kill one of Rebekah's lovers," Elijah said after about quarter of an hour of pleasant chit-chat.

"He kidnapped our family!"

Elijah set down his fork and considered. "Undagger Kol and I'll consider it."

"Fine!" Klaus threw up his arm and stalked over to Kol's coffin. He tossed Elijah's bloody jacket on the ground. Elijah was too busy staring at their little brother's face to respond to such blatant disrespect. Klaus changed his mind. However, before he could shove the dagger back into Kol's heart, Elijah broke his wrist. It was his left one, so Klaus let it go.

-

"Let me get this straight," Kol tried to wiggle away from Elijah's handkerchief to no avail. Kol had fed on several servants after waking and had gotten blood everywhere. "I was in the beginning stages of making a weapon that would just knock you out and I get stuffed in a coffin for a century. Elijah was one muscle spasm from killing Nik, and he only gets four months?"

"Nonsense," Elijah had gotten ahold of the damp towel and was now cleaning Kol's neck, "I have complete control over every single one of my muscles."

Klaus kicked the head off of one of the dead servants. He was sulking because Elijah hadn't spared him a glance since Kol had awoken. "I didn't intend to undagger you just yet, you're only out and about because I owe Elijah a favor. I suggest you remember that, brother. I'm happy to shove it back in your heart."

Elijah was finally satisfied Kol was clean. There wasn't a speck of dust on Kol's person, much less any blood. "If Klaus hadn't pretended to drop you, Finn, and Rebekah in an ocean, I wouldn't have tried to end our brother's life."

"You said what about Bekah?"

"Kol, I can explain - "

-

Elijah watched. After their brotherly scuffle, Klaus and Kol were both panting heavily. They'd both lost most of their clothes through Kol's fangs and Klaus' claws. As for the state of the house. "I suppose you'll need to get back started on renovations, Klaus."

"I'll use Finn's dagger on you," Klaus threatened.

"He'll appreciate the fresh air," Elijah told him. He stopped peeling off Kol's shirt and gestured to where Finn's coffin was resting next to Kol's. "So go ahead and try, baby brother."

Kol tried to move away from Elijah who had deftly removed what was left of his clothes, but Elijah was stubborn. "I've been able to dress myself since I was three, Elijah."

"Four," Elijah corrected. His eyes were so tender, Kol couldn't bring himself to keep half-heartedly fighting him.

"He's only doing that because he's cross at me," Klaus said. He clearly thought Elijah was coddling the wrong little brother.

Kol stuck out his tongue. Elijah didn't reprimand him. Kol's jaw dropped. "Are you actually angry with Nik?"

"My dearest little brother," Elijah helped him into a blue jacket and it didn't cross Kol's mind to wonder why Elijah had clothes that fit him on hand. "I have never been more furious in my entire life. Dress yourself, Klaus. Then we'll talk about Stefan."

-

Kol was drinking the red wine out of the bottle and Elijah was letting him. It was officially the most bizarre day of Kol's life. He rolled with it and decided to be reasonable. "If Bekah wants to kill Stefan, I'll be there with matches. Otherwise I'll side with Elijah here."

"He kidnapped both of you!" Klaus snarled.

"That's on you for daggering us," Kol said and dunked at the butter knife Klaus aimed at his throat.

"In a thousand years, I have kept all of you safe," Klaus said. He started to pace and Kol rolled his eyes. They were going have to suffer through a really boring speech soon.

Or not. Elijah stopped him dead in his track with, "I've been wondering about that all evening. How did Stefan get past all your defenses to obtain our coffins?"

Klaus opened his mouth. Shut it. Turned around. Kol groaned, because he saw what was in Klaus' eyes. "Do you fancy our sister's lover, Nik?"

"I think we'll need more wine for this," Klaus said.

-

Kol was delighted that Elijah didn't let Klaus drink from the bottle. But Klaus still got drunk. Very drunk. "I'll have you know," it was unclear if he was pointing at Kol or Elijah, who were sitting next to each other on the couch. It was the only furniture downstairs that wasn't broken. "I did not make a move on him while he and Rebekah courted in the 1920s."

"No," Elijah said, "you just waited a hundred years, killed his girlfriend, and blackmailed him to be your slave for ten years. How did that seduction work out for you?"

"Why'd you uncompell him?" Kol asked. He kicked his feet up on the broken coffee table. Elijah said nothing. Kol was beginning to suspect he might be possessed. "Seems pretty bloody stupid if you ask me."

"He helped kill our father," Klaus said, "I thought he'd earned his freedom."

Before Elijah could respond, Kol said stood up. "Wait, when did Mikeal die?" He kicked the coffee table in half. In fourth? It had already been broken in half. Well, Kol broke it more. "Why am I always the last to know these things?"

"Rebekah doesn't know yet," Klaus said. Which, yeah, actually did calm down Kol enough to drop back down next to Elijah.

"Tell me how it went," Kol said, "it better be entertaining."

-

"Of course it involved a doppelganger," Kol said. He could not help but grin at the thought of the doppelganger using vervain bombs. Klaus was grinning too, happily reliving the moment he murdered his father. Even Elijah smiled, albeit it was small. "You know," Kol said, thoughtfully, "there's a lot of things we can do with a doppelganger's blood. Particularly if it's human."

For a brief moment, the world became normal when both Klaus and Elijah glared at him. In unison, they said, "You will not touch Elena."

"She's mine," Klaus said.

"She doesn't deserve to be one of your playthings," Elijah said, "either of yours." He was mostly looking at Klaus and Kol realized he was back in bizarre land. He set his foot on the busted coffee table. Elijah did not so much as spare a disapproving look at him.

Definitely back in bizarre land.

But he knew what that look in Elijah's eyes meant. Kol said, "Hey, Elijah, did to fall for Elena too? Is she anything like Katerina? She was a hoot and a half. Liked her better than Tatia, to be honest."

"Elena is a very lovey young woman," Elijah said.

"Oh, you have it bad," Kol said, "have you slept with her yet? Is that why the stick isn't lodged so far up your arse? I might have to buy her a drink."

"No matter how fun I seem right now," Elijah said, holding up his hand. Kol slipped back into the couch. Stupid little brother instincts. "I'm not letting you get away with arson."

Rats.

-

Klaus was still drunk. He was waving his arms about and stalking the parlor. "You promised not fall for another doppelganger Elijah!"

"What of your promises, Klaus?"

"You're the one who goes on about honor and honesty, not me!"

Kol sat back and enjoyed watching his brothers fight. Before anyone could lose a limb, Rebekah dropped down from the stairs and shoved her dagger in Klaus' skull. He died. Elijah had undaggered her while Kol and Klaus were fighting and it appeared she was awake now.

"Your aim gets just keeps getting better, little sis," Kol said, ever the proud big brother, "I wonder how long he'll stay down."

"Not long enough," Rebekah said. She crushed Klaus neck with her high heels. "That's for Mother."

"What about our Mum?" Kol asked.

-

When Klaus woke up, Kol shoved his own dagger through Klaus's brain through his eye. He died.

Rebekah handed Elijah her dagger. "Want a go at him next?"

"When the two are you are done having fun with them, I'll have them destroyed," Elijah said. He looked at his watch. "I'll give you two twenty minutes."

"That's barely enough time for anything," Kol protested.

"I can made it fifteen," Elijah said, which shut Kol up nicely because that was no idle threat. But Elijah was feeling generous. Also, he wanted Klaus to suffer. So, he added, "There's a fire place and I see no reason you two can't use it while playing." Kol and Rebekah shared identical smiles: they'd always loved playing with fire. Elijah felt a nostalgic rush. "I'll even let you destroy this," Elijah gestured at what remained of Klaus' renovated mansion, "but no further than that."

"We need to get him laid more," Kol said.

"Elijah has a new girlfriend?" Rebekah asked, "how long has it been? Three hundred years?"

Elijah folded his arms. "Clock is ticking, you two."

-

Kol dropped the torch and Rebekah caught it before turning it back to Klaus, who was too tired to keep screaming in agony. But she still made it hurt. "Why'd you wake up Finn, Elijah?"

"Because you're having entirely too much fun," Elijah said.

"I want you to know," Finn said, taking slow, dramatic steps down to where his siblings were bonding, "I hate each and every one of you."

Rebekah paused. Klaus sighed in relief. "How did you learn English?"

"I have been listening in on you lot for the last seven hundred years!" Finn roared. Then he took a deep breath. "I picked it up."

"In our defense," Klaus croaked, "we had no idea."

"Then maybe you should have done some basic research before shoving me in a box for nine hundred years!"

Elijah was a peacemaker at heart. He thought maybe inviting Finn to play would help. It often did when they were children, after all. "Klaus killed out mother. Would you like to join our baby siblings in torturing him? I'll give you an extra hour."

Finn very much did want to torture Klaus. But he put his hands on his hips and stared Elijah down. "Need I remind you that I'm older? You don't get to dictate my actions, baby brother."

Elijah stared at him, obviously confused. "When has that ever mattered?" It was true. He'd been bossing Finn around since he was four. Esther thought it was cute, so she encourage and enabled it.

Finn had developed numerous and extremely detailed rants about each and every one of his devilish siblings. He'd had little else to do. And he's been angry about Elijah bossing him around since before he'd become a vampire with rage issues. But before he could unleash his wrath, Rebekah tugged on his shirt sleeve. "Please. Elijah won't let us have the extra time unless you join us."

Kol tugged on his other one. "You know he won't."

"I won't," Elijah confirmed.

Rebekah had the same color eyes as Freya. Kol had the same smile as Freya. He hated when they double teamed him, it was hard to resist them. And he really wanted to torture Niklaus.

"I'll teach you how to use this," Rebekah said, showing him the torch.

The terror on Klaus' eyes decided for Finn. The bastard killed his Mum.

-

"Children!" Esther set her hands on her hips and glared down at her children, "What are you doing to Niklaus?"

"Elijah said we could," Kol tattled.

"Then Finn should have stopped him," Esther said. She strode over across the room, waving out Rebekah's fire. Her little Nik was charred and scared. She worked on freeing him from the chains. "Your the eldest, I expect better from you."

Finn looked ashamed. But he had a really good excuse on hand. "You're the one who always put him in charge."

"He was so much more attentive," Esther said absently, "and he was the only one who could get Kol to sleep. It just made sense to put him in charge when I was gathering berries." Gathering berries was her euphemism for black magic. She had been very determined to make her big sister pay for stealing her first born. Studying the dark arts just took up so much of time and attention. Elijah easily slipped into her role when was too busy bleeding rabbits dry to play the ancient Viking version of peek-a-boo.

After Klaus collapsed into her arms, she fixed a Elijah with a glare that actually had him take a few steps back. It made sense. She was the one who taught him how to do that.

"Very well," Elijah said. He was a very dutiful son. And he still itched to fix Klaus' hair. What remained of it, anyway. "Rebekah, Kol, no more torture. You too, Finn."

Finn was about to slam the torch over Klaus' head. Not as good as fire, but Finn was willing to settle. He dropped it when his mother frowned at him. Spoil sport, he thought.

"Elijah," Esther said, "I'll need you watch over your younger siblings."

"Of course," Elijah said. He was clearly confused why she bothered to ask. Looking out for his siblings was his only hobby besides making deals with pretty teenage girls.

"Including Niklaus," she said.

Elijah did not answer right away. She pressed her lips together. Elijah relented. "Yes, Mother."

"You don't have to like him," she said. Klaus sulked. "But I do need you to watch out for him. Meanwhile, Finn and I need to take a trip." She gave her children a serene smile. "I was going to use the doppelganger's blood to bind you all together and free you from this curse by killing you, but on my way here, I noticed the date. Freya will be up soon and she desperately needs her mother." She paused. "And I have a sister to murder."

Elijah, Klaus, Kol, and Rebekah stared at her like she was a lunatic.

Finn's smile was so bright he lit up the room. "Come on now, Mother. Haste makes waste."

Haste did indeed make waste. Elijah took out his phone to book a suit in the only luxury hotel in Mystic Falls. No one had enough money to afford it, but it was the highest paid job in town. Competition to get hired was fierce. Plus there were never any guests. Elijah Mikaelson paid his employees very well.

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter Text

"I suppose," Elijah said, after his siblings had settled into the presidential suit, "I should call Damon." He held up what was left of his note, it was soaked in so much blood that it was falling apart and wasn't legible. But one could still make out xoxo, Damon. "He did undagger me, after all."

"You been putting it off?" Kol was lazing about on the coffee table. At some point, Elijah would start reprimanding him, so he was enjoying the minor indiscretions of life while he could. "That's uncharacteristically rude of you." Kol was both proud and worried.

It was. But. "Damon tries my patience."

"Gut him," Kol suggested.

"I don't usually kill toddlers," Elijah said, "and Elena is fond of him."

"Who cares what she thinks?" Rebekah said, "after I'm done with my nails, I'm going to rip out her throat."

"You will not," Elijah said. It was an order.

"She daggered me!" Rebekah said.

Elijah actually smiled. The way Elena beat him at his own game had been impressive. It's likely when his crush started.

Kol shot up. Elijah was as protective of Rebekah as Klaus was possessive. "Bekah, I think he's possessed."

"It's worse," Rebekah complained because she'd seen that expression on Elijah's face exactly twice in a thousand years, "I think she might the girlfriend you were talking about. She started to pout. "I'll never be able to convince Elijah to let me kill her, now."

"Or what's left of her loved ones," Elijah said, "our family has taken enough from her already."

-

Klaus woke up late, he'd been very tired. Kol and Rebekah were very sadistic and gifted at inflicting pain so he'd been worn out by the time their mother saved him. Now that everyone was up, Elijah led his siblings into the dining room. The table was only set up for three people.

"We can't leave out Kol," Klaus said, "he gets jealous."

Kol dropped down in the chair right of Elijah. It was Klaus' usual spot. "It's not me he's leaving out."

Klaus' face darkened as Rebekah sat at his left. "Why did you even bother to wait for me if you were just going to exclude me?" Elijah did not respond. It wasn't just because he was pouring tea. Elijah was fussy about how it was prepared, but could multitask just fine. It dawned on Klaus. "Are you giving me the silent treatment?"

"Do you two hear something?" Elijah asked. He caught the knife Klaus threw at him before it could impale his head. "A ghost, perhaps?"

-

"Stop calling me," Stefan said.

He'd only hung up ten times before answering. Klaus figured that meant Stefan was in a good mood and willing to listen. "I need you help me with Elijah."

"Why can't I block your number?" Stefan demanded.

"I called in a witch, obviously," Klaus said. That settled, Klaus dove right in. "Our mother has forbidden him from being aggressive with me so he's settling with passive-aggression." He paused to get his watering eyes under control. "Worse, he's favoring Kol over me!"

-

Meanwhile:

"I blocked your number," Elena said, "how are you calling me?"

"I called in a witch, obviously," Rebekah said, "stop being rude. Elijah said I couldn't kill you and while I'd normally disobey him on matters of personal vengeance, I can't this time. He fancies you."

"It's too early to process those sentences," Elena said, "so can you just tell me why you're calling?"

"Because I do not like it when Elijah has a girlfriend," Rebekah said, "Mother punished me very harshly me when I tried to sabatosh his relationship with Tatia and I do not wish to suffer that particular form of discipline again." She added, very sourly, "And then Elijah told me I couldn't even kill your friends or family so I'm very limited in how I can torture you. They're treating me like I'm Kol. Kol!"

"That just raises even more questions," Elena said.

"I need to vent," Rebekah said, "and you are the closest thing I have to a girlfriend these days. So listen before I tear out your teeth."

-

Elijah knocked on the door to Salvatore Boarding House. Damon answered. "I've been trying to call you since yesterday."

"I blocked your number," Elijah said. The obviously was implied.

"I know," Damon said, "Bonnie refused to fix that for me."

"Besides," Elijah continued, as if Damon hadn't spoken. It wasn't clear if he'd heard Damon, honestly. Elijah's tolerance for young vampires with a temper was notoriously low and Damon was a very annoying baby vampire with a short fuse. "On top of thanking you for freeing me, I need to pick up Rebekah's things. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone."

"She's a big girl, can't she get it herself?" Damon asked.

Elijah stared at him. His face darkened. "I was under the impression that Stefan was younger than you."

"He is," Damon said, slowly, backing away. He had no idea where Elijah was going with this and he wasn't eager to get stabbed with a pencil again. And Elijah looked more pissed then that time he was uppity.

-

"Look," Stefan said after call number twenty from Klaus, "I don't like you and I'm glad Elijah is giving you the silent treatment. Leave me alone."

Klaus had never been so hurt in his entire life. "You can't mean that."

"I do," Stefan said. He could hear Klaus lips trembling. He did that back in the '20s too. It made Stefan feel sorry for him. Back then, he tried to cheer him up. Now, he could rub salt in an open wound. But he'd given Damon the silent treatment after Damon killed the litter of kittens he was fostering in 1965 and Damon confessed while drunk on some very fine liquor, he'd been so upset he'd ended up murdering a class of school children. Klaus would probably murder a day care center filled with toddlers. So, Stefan relented, "How exactly do you expect me to help you with Elijah?"

"Kol is right," Stefan had no idea who Kol was, "Elijah is much more fun when he's involved with a woman. He fancies Elena. You have an in with Elena."

"You want me to convince my ex-girlfriend to go on a date with the ancient original vampire who let her aunt, her only living parent, to die in vain, during a creepy ritual where she was brutally killed by you in order to break a curse so you could get even more power by becoming a werepire?"

"Hybrid," Klaus corrected, not for the fist time. He'd had to punish Stefan a few times during their summer together for not learning that. It looked like he might need to punish Stefan some more. But, first, he needed to get Stefan's forgiveness. With both Stefan and Elijah cross with him, Klaus' month was turning into a very dour one. And this is the month he'd finally gotten to murder his father. "You're usually quicker on the uptake. Are you getting enough sleep?"

"Klaus, she and her brother are being fostered by an alcoholic high school history teacher because of you!"

"We can talk more after you have a nap," Klaus offered.

"Never call me again," Stefan said. Then he crushed his phone and tossed it out his window. And, because, he actually was pretty tired, he did take a nap.

-

"The worst part," Rebekah said after a very long digression about how some poor witch named Celeste stole Elijah's attention away and she was glad that Nik had her killed, "is that after everything he put me through, my bastard brother is trying to take Stefan out from under me!"

"You two aren't dating," Elena reminded her. She'd been keeping her sass under wraps during the call, but her jealousy flared out of control whenever she was reminded that Stefan had girlfriends before her. Then. "I was really hoping that I was misreading Klaus' feelings."

Rebekah was still ranting and didn't notice Elena's smart remark, "After he punished me for falling in love with Marcel, taking Stefan right from under my nose is hypocritically wicked, even for him. Stefan is mine!"

"Would you get mad if I get drunk?" Elena asked. Rebekah had told her about Klaus adopting Marcel and the incest levels were making her uncomfortable. But she liked her teeth and Rebekah had a very bad temper.

Rebekah checked her wrist. She didn't have a watch. She'd tossed it one the way to the hotel. No need to bother with Elijah around. "Go ahead, it's five o'clock somewhere."

"I should be in school," Elena said, pouring some Ric's favorite brand of bourbon straight into her coffee.

-

Elijah's lecture about what it meant to be an older brother was making Damon's head hurt. It was clocking in at least twenty minutes and it seemed like Elijah was just getting started. There was also all that guilt he worked so hard to shove down. It was coming back up.

He was pretty sure Elijah wouldn't have approved of him killing Stefan's kittens a few decades back. They were orphaned and Stefan was feeding them every hour in the hour instead of getting drunk with Damon. He didn't really have much of a choice. On top of being quite miffed that Stefan full attention wasn't completely on him, he had promised Stefan an eternity of misery. But he doubted Elijah would understand.

And it's not like meant to make Stefan cry. No that time, anyway. As a boy, he'd been a dog person. How was Damon to know he'd get so attached to cats? And Damon had already paid for that impulsive decision. Stefan had given him the silent treatment for weeks.

"Damon!" Elijah's voice was so sharp Damon nearly had a heart attack. "Are you listening?"

"No," Damon said, "and you can shove another pencil in me if you like, but I am not doing Stefan's laundry!" Elijah was happy to do so. "It was a joke!" There was a very awkward moment where Damon felt mildly violated. "Why are you cleaning up the blood with a handkerchief?"

Elijah said nothing until he'd finished. "I don't care for the sight of blood," he explained, "and since my motive isn't to terrify you into submission this time, I'd rather not expose myself to it more than I have to."

When Elijah was six, he'd walked in on Esther draining the blood of the songbirds he fed every morning. He'd named them after the gods in his favorite legends. She needed the blood of something precious to the child she was carrying when her sister betrayed her for the weapon she was building. Elijah been inconsolable - she'd tried to explain in simple terms why she needed vengeance. Plus, didn't he want to meet Freya? In a last ditch effort, she pulled him into a hug, which actually worked.

This may or may not have been the start of Elijah's start of revising traumatic memories to function. The fact that he nearly died a few times as a baby because she was too depressed to nurse him was also a potential contender. No one has gotten that deep into what was behind Elijah's red door. On slightly related tangent, Elijah also didn't care for wild berries.

"You're a vampire," Damon pointed out.

"How is that relevant," Elijah said. Common sense was something a person completely lost after about seven hundred years of existence.

Damon wanted to be drunk. "What is your motive with me, exactly?"

-

Rebekah felt a lot better after her talk with Elena, who was a great listener and was very motivated to listen carefully with helpful feedback. "I'm thinking about catching a bite to eat, want to come?"

"I don't drink blood," Elena reminded her.

"I want a burger," Rebekah said, "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes."

"I might get arrested for truancy," Elena said, "founding family privileges are only going to go so far." She'd been skipping a lot of school school and had already been given two warnings. The third might land her in juvy. For a laugh, Klaus had fiddled with her records while possessing Ric. On the books, Elena Gilbert was not an adult. She hadn't had time to fix it yet. For reasons that should be obvious.

"Elena," Rebekah said, sounding like Elijah with Damon, "I'm a vampire. I can compel them away."

"Can you compel me passing grades too?" Elena said.

"Sure," Rebekah said, "it's not like you're going to need a high school education."

She was right. Klaus had set her up a trust fund so she could stay fed and clothed and keep pumping magical blood for the rest of her natural life. She also had the Salvatore's Boarding House in her name. Unbenounced to her, Elijah was also working setting her up a trust fund for her and Jeremy. It was much more generous than Klaus'. He felt bad about Jenna death and all the school she'd been missing because of his family. He thought it might help ease the burden if she didn't have to worry about money on top of his siblings.

"I'll buy," Elena said after guzzling down the rest of Ric's booze.

"Wear something pretty," Rebekah said.

-

"Why are you in my bed?" Stefan demanded.

"I'm getting fed up with your tone," Klaus said. He wasn't, actually. He liked it when Stefan was feisty. "I would not have had to break in if you hadn't destroyed your phone."

Stefan grabbed his blankets and pulled them over his head.

Klaus wasn't bothered because he was about to get what he wanted (Stefan's attention). Part of it anyway. Getting in Stefan's bed while being allowed to get on top of him would happen after he'd gotten forgiveness. He also would need to bribe Rebekah, probably. He was starting to regret that he didn't sleep with Stefan during their wonderful summer together. "Elijah is here, too. And it seems that he's decided Damon is his new pet project."

Very alarmed, Stefan rushed down the stairs. Klaus followed.

"Good evening, Stefan," Elijah said, "I remember out last conversation together where I assured you I'd kill my least favorite brother."

"You like Finn more?"

Klaus eyes were so sad that Stefan squeezed his shoulder before he could stop himself. The memories of their friendship were as fresh as their horrible summer together. It was extremely difficult to not to comfort Klaus when he was sad.

Elijah continued, "The few times that I have made such dire miscalculations, I have endeavored to put things right. I think I have figured out how to make things up to you."

"I'm fine," Stefan said, "really."

"Damon's education has been woefully neglected," Elijah said, "I intend to make sure he understands how an elder brother should treat a younger one."

"Please help me," Damon begged. He was tied up in the middle of the parlor. Elijah had decided that he'd endure the sight of blood for this lesson.

Elijah shoved another pencil in his neck. "Today's discussion is about what he did to your kittens."

Stefan had loved those kittens. He'd named them after The Beatles (Stefan, of course, had been and remained a big fan), even though they were all girls. Ringo had been his favorite and Damon had tortured her the most. "He also killed my best friend of over a hundred and fifty years on my birthday."

The next pencil was covered in vervain.

"See," Klaus said after Damon stopped screaming, "I'm a much better brother than Damon ever was. I wouldn't done something so horrible on your birthday." This was true. Klaus loved birthdays. He would never hurt a sibling on the day they were born. The day before or after was fair game, though.

"I've decided to give you the silent treatment too," Stefan told Klaus before zooming back to his room to finish his nap.

Niklaus Mikaelson was most distraught by this development. He broke the leg off the coffee table and shoved it in Damon's stomach before storming out of the house. He was down, but he was not out.

Chapter Text

Doppelganger number three was at the only restaurant in town, the Mystic Grill. Kol slid in the chair right across from her. He took her hand in his and pressed a kiss on it. "Kol Mikaelson," he said, "the most handsome Original."

Elena was startled. "You guys have a last name?"

Kol was startled too. "Elijah didn't tell you?" He paused. "Uncharacteristically rude of him." He set his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands and mimicked Elijah's accent very well. "'Bloodlust is not excuse for rudeness, Kol.' He's a bloody hypocrite, I tell you."

"He was going by Elijah Smith," Elena said, coming across very defensive of the man who indirectly got her aunt killed, "and he was incognito. He probably was making sure Klaus couldn't find him."

"You have it bad," Kol had not being this charmed by a woman since 1914 when he'd met a lovely lesbian witch. "Do you think you'd be willing to sleep with him tonight?"

"You haven't even asked me for my name and you want to discuss my love life with you?" Elena looked like she was considering throwing her drink in his face. It was too bad Elijah was so smitten, she would have been fun to bed. Kol might be a psychotic maniac, but he would never steal a girl from his brothers.

"Elena, right?" Kol asked. She nodded. "So, can I count on you to distract my big brother tonight?"

"No!"

"You're waiting for the right moment before you seal the deal," Kol said, nodding. He'd been hoping she was as frisky as Katerina and Tatia. But Kol was nothing if not flexible and inventive. Small barrier for him to overcome, believe you me.

"I'm not even interested in him."

Kol heard her heart skip a beat. "It's a good thing you were lying or I'd have to kill you for insulting our dashing good looks like that."

-

Stefan was being followed by an angelic looking wolf. Baby blue eyes and fur as white as freshly driven snow. It was odd, to say the least. But Stefan decided to just go with it. He was kind of out of fucks to give about everything.

"No pets," Matt said.

"He's not mine," Stefan said as he grabbed a seat at the bar.

"Yeah," Matt said, drying off a glass, "I'm not serving you anything fun."

"How are you even able to serve drinks?" Stefan asked and Matt shrugged. "Can I get something salty?" Caroline said that salty food was better than alcohol with the eating people urges, and Stefan's eating people urges were driving him crazy.

The wolf jumped up on the bar stool next to Stefan.

"That's not normal," Matt said, "it's some weird supernatural shit, isn't it?"

"Probably," Stefan said. Matt poured a shot of whiskey and downed it in one go. "Put it on Damon's tab."

"I already do," Matt said, "I'm getting you fries to go." He pointed at the wolf, who was resting his head in Stefan's lap, "you take that thing with you."

"I don't think I have a choice in the matter," Stefan said. He was honestly so happy Klaus hadn't done any stalking that day that he was in an extra accommodating mood. He'd take this weird angelic wolf over that fucking werepire any day of the week. "Please stop trying to lick me."

The wolf's bark sounded suspiciously like the word, "No!"

-

"Between my various daggering’s and Elijah's Elijahness," Kol was eating Elena's onion rings as he thought out loud, "I don't have much experience with how he tends to woo a lady."

"Please stop talking to me," Elena begged.

Kol did not stop. "But knowing his personality, he'd probably go down the rout of a slower seduction."

"Do you hear yourself?" Elena said, "He is your brother. This is extremely weird and gross."

Kol ignored her. "Rebekah mentioned Celeste made the first move on Elijah."

Elena smashed her head against the table. "Please don't make me relive that story. I didn't realize there were so many different ways to call someone a dirty slut." Kol's gentle smile spooked Elena to her core. It was quite rude, if you thought about it. Kol just loved his baby sister so much, particularly when she was naughty or making Elijah's life harder. A man can't even smile while thinking about his sister without arousing suspicion. "And now I'm remembering how she seduced her nephew."

Kol scowled. He fucking hated that usurper. He was glad Marcellus was dead. Too bad he didn't get to watch him burn alive. Kol felt he deserved to see that.

Elena thought Kol was upset about the incest and reached out to him. "I tried to bleach my brain after Rebekah brought me home from a trip to the mall, but Ric stopped me."

Oh yeah. Humans and their delicate boundaries. "Darling, if you work with me distracting Elijah, I will compel away those memories."

Elena was very tempted. "Why do you want Elijah distracted?"

"I just want to enjoy a night out on the town without his judgement."

Elena narrowed her eyes. "If your nights out on the town are anything like my little brother's, I fully support Elijah's judgement." She stood up and strode out of the Mystic Grill.

Kol finished her lunch. Salt really did help with the killing people urges, and he couldn't kill under Elijah's rules. As he ate her last onion ring, a devilish smile lit up his face. That was going to change very soon.

-

Damon was light headed from blood loss. But he kept himself from slurring because he was terrified of Elijah's pencils and he seemed the type of value enunciation. The two of them were in Stefan's room.

"Look at this," Damon snarled, "no, smell it."

"I would rather not," Elijah said.

"The dust," Damon said, "you'd think after living for a hundred and sixty odd years he would have learned how to clean up after himself."

"Did you ever bother to teach him?" Elijah asked. His hands itched to clean almost as much as they itched to draw Damon's blood again.

"Do I look like his mother?" Damon asked as Elijah considered the merits of stabbing him with the freshly sharpened number two pencil he was fiddling with.

The communication barrier between them was understandable. Elijah was under the impression that mothers tended to practice the dark arts while the elder siblings just figured stuff out on their own. They then passed down what they learned out to the younger ones. Damon, on the other hand, was gifted with a naturally responsible and sensible baby brother. Honestly, by five, Stefan was scolding Damon about his debauchery on a regular basis.

"In my experience," Elijah was thinking fondly of Kol and Rebekah, "teaching adolescent vampires to clean up after themselves is a losing game. It's much more efficient to do it yourself."

For the record, Rebekah and Kol's cleaning habits were fine by any reasonable standard. Although, to be completely fair to Elijah, Kol was prone to tossing bloody clothes on the floor. But it wasn't because he was messy. He just enjoyed making Elijah twitch. Unfortunately, being a Viking who spent most of the Middle Ages in Europe had turned Elijah's admittedly already pathological cleanliness up to a million. No one on earth cleaned to Elijah's standards besides Elijah.

"If I agree to clean Stefan's room, will you leave me alone?" Damon asked.

"Yes," Elijah said, "for the evening. I will return at 8:00am sharp tomorrow to continue our lessons."

For the first time in decades, Damon regretted killing Ringo the kitten. Fuck John, Paul, and George, though. They'd all deserved to die.

-

When he got home, Stefan shared his fries with the angelic wolf who was stalking him. He did not notice that his room had been freshly dusted by Damon under the watchful eye of Elijah.

The wolf was preening. He was wearing Stefan down.