Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Samgladiator -> Grian

11:04 A.M. 

Samgladiator: hi grian :) long time no see

Grian: .

Grian: i thought i blocked you 

Samgladiator: wow

Samgladiator: not even a hi?

Grian: leave me alone

Samgladiator: thats no way to talk to an old friend

Samgladiator: i just wanted to congratulate you on the big server

Samgladiator: hermitcraft? wow!

Samgladiator: i didnt think youd make it past high school

Grian: thanks.

Samgladiator: no problem man!

Samgladiator: how’d you even get on it?

Grian: i dont have to tell you anything

Samgladiator: oh cmon cut the crap grian

Samgladiator: you couldve blocked me the second you saw me msg you

Samgladiator: but you didnt

Samgladiator: i wonder why that is

Samgladiator: is it because you miss me?

Samgladiator: is it because youre guilty?

Samgladiator: or is it because youre a coward?

Samgladiator: same as youve always been

Samgladiator: its funny because after one conversation i can tell you dont change

Samgladiator: no shame in that

Samgladiator: i like you that way

Grian blocked Samgladiator.

GoodTimeWithScar -> Grian

5:34 P.M

GoodTimeWithScar: You okay?

GoodTimeWithScar: I haven’t seen or heard from you all day

Grian: yeah

Grian: just working

Grian: on stuff

GoodTimeWithScar: What kind of stuff?

Grian: important

Grian: im busy 

Grian: dont worry about it

GoodTimeWithScar: You’re being more vague than usual

GoodTimeWithScar: Are you surw youre alright?

Grian: yes. im fine scar

GoodTimeWithScar: Well I’m here for you

/whisper GoodTimeWithScar: i dont need i

/whisper GoodTimeWithScar: maybe you shouldn

Grian: ill keep that in mind

Grian -> Grian

11:47 P.M.

Grian: try & finish up rocks in the morning

Grian: when you wake up

Grian: Stop wallowing in your own self pity

Grian: AND STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!

Grian: dont do it

3:04 A.M. 

Grian: there is seriously something wrong with you

Grian: on a fundamental level

3:32 A.M.

Grian: maybe hes right

Grian: no

Grian: Stop it

4:15 A.M.

Grian: seriously whats wrong with you 

4:32 A.M.

Grian: i dont know

Grian -> GoodTimeWithScar

12:05 P.M.

Grian: sorry for freaking out on you

Grian: you didnt do anything

GoodTimeWithScar: No it’s fine

GoodTimeWithScar: Are you okay?

GoodTimeWithScar: Please answer honestly

Grian: yeah its fine i just

Grian: hurt my wing yesterday

Grian: stupid injury 

GoodTimeWithScar: It looked fine to me

Grian: phantom pain 

Grian: and all that

Grian: you know how it is

GoodTimeWithScar: Okay

GoodTimeWithScar: Like I said if you need anything my base is always open :)

Grian: yeah

Grian: thanks 

Grian -> Grian

1:03 P.M.

Grian: its been years

Grian: you never thought about it this much before

Grian: why is one text conversation so monumental

Grian: its not a big deal

Grian: am i weak?

Grian: whatever

Grian: i have to build 

Grian: & do rift stuff

Grian -> MumboJumbo

9:05 A.M.

Grian: if i mixed together a weakness potion with slowness 

Grian: would that make a sleep potion

MumboJumbo: First of all

MumboJumbo: I’m scared as to what you’re going to do with this knowledge

MumboJumbo: Second of all

MumboJumbo: Try turtle master

Grian: thx mumbo 

Grian: i wont drug you i ppromise

MumboJumbo: I DIDNT EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT

9:21 A.M. 

Grian: i havma de a. mistake

MumboJumbo: Oh no

Grian: j feel like im dyong 

MumboJumbo: Do you need me to come over

Grian: ples 

Grian: ne ger trus t me with potooins evtr

MumboJumbo: I’m coming 

1:03 P.M.

Grian: ty for the help

Grian: i am never messing around with potions again

MumboJumbo: I’m honestly kind of impressed with how bad that potion was 

MumboJumbo: Your creativity astounds me

MumboJumbo: Why do you use it this way

Grian: its my job

MumboJumbo: Job as?

Grian: menace to society

MumboJumbo: Checks out

MumboJumbo: Why did you even need it in the first place?

Grian: drugging you

MumboJumbo: WHAT

Grian: im kidding im kidding

Grian: i cant sleep

MumboJumbo: Oh

MumboJumbo: Nightmares again?

Grian: a little bit 

Grian: its stupid

Grian: dont worry about it 

MumboJumbo: You can tell me about them

Grian: yes yes i know

Grian: its really nothing to worry about

MumboJumbo: Grian you made a potion that is quite frankly a freak of nature just to get rid of it

MumboJumbo: That is something to worry about

Grian: its not that serious

Grian: seriously

Grian: its fine 

Grian: im fine 

MumboJumbo: Grian..

Grian: i gtg

Grian -> Grian

1:05 P.M.

Grian: you are weak.

Grian -> GoodTimeWithScar

2:22 P.M.

Grian: hey scar!

Grian: could i get your help with smth

Grian: magic stuff

GoodTimesWithScar: Of course!

GoodTimeWithScar: Come on over

4:10 P.M. 

Grian: thanks for the help!

GoodTimeWithScar: No problem!

GoodTimeWithScar: Remember intent is important! 

GoodTimeWithScar: Magic is a lot harder to cast when your thoughts are loud

Grian: yea dw

Grian: i dont think theres a lot of ways to screw up the magic i wanna do tho

GoodTimeWithScar: You’d be surprised :)

Grian: ?!

Grian: is that a threat

GoodTimeWithScar: Just a warning!

GoodTimeWithScar: Stay safe!

Grian -> Grian

4:32 P.M.

Grian: build rift stuff and THEN sleep

Grian: i should delete what i put here earlier

Grian: even if

Grian: yeah im gonna delete some stuff

Grian deleted 15 messages.

Grian: okay

Grian: stop thinking

Grian: productivity first

Grian -> Grian

5:02 A.M.

Grian: that couldve gone worse

Grian: couldve gone better too

Grian: maybe i should get into meditating

Grian: thatd help with the whole thoughts thing 

Grian: future me find gong

MumboJumbo -> Grian

12:30 P.M.

MumboJumbo: Have your nightmares been any better lately? 

Grian: theyre fine

Grian: managable 

MumboJumbo: That’s better

Grian: yeah

Grian: listen i appreciate the worry but really its fine

MumboJumbo: Grian

Grian: Mumbo Jumbolio

MumboJumbo: What are they even about?

Grian: if you really want to help

Grian: drop it

MumboJumbo: Okay

MumboJumbo: Sorry 

Grian -> Grian

12:35 P.M.

Grian: why are you like this

Main Chat

3:49 P.M.

Samgladiator joined the game.

Grian -> Grian

3:49 P.M.

Grian: how in the world did you fuck up this badly

Chapter Text

Main Chat

3:49 P.M.

Samgladiator joined the game.

PearlescentMoon: Oh dear gods

joehillssays: howdy samgladiator

joehillssays: who are you by chance

GoodTimeWithScar: Hello stranger!

Grian: i am so sorry

Grian: i can fix this hold on hold on

Xisumavoid: Did you do this??

GoodTimeWithScar: How and why did you

GoodTimeWithScar: OH

Xisumavoid: What is happening???

3:50 P.M.

Grian -> Samgladiator

Grian unblocked Samgladiator.

Grian: LEAVE

Grian: GET OUT

Grian: GO BACK IN THE RIFT WHERE YOU CAME FROM

Samgladiator: nice cave you got here

Samgladiator: i gotta say

Samgladiator: bypassing the whitelist for me? im honored

Grian: I DIDNT MEAN TO

Grian: LEAVE 

Samgladiator: didn’t mean to?

Samgladiator: now tell me

Samgladiator: how do you accidentally create a portal to hermitcraft

Samgladiator: that conveniently ignores the whitelist

Grian: IT WASNT FOR YOU

Grian: LEAVE ME ALONE

Samgladiator: where are you hiding grian?

Samgladiator: you know ill find you

Grian: DID YOU NOT HEAR ME

Grian: LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE

3:55 P.M.

PearlescentMoon -> Grian

PearlescentMoon: What happened?????

PearlescentMoon: how is he HERE

Grian: LONG STORY

Grian: I MESSED UP

Grian: AND IM KIND OF PANICKING PEARL IM NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU

PearlescentMoon: Shoot 

PearlescentMoon: Don’t worry we wont let him get to you

PearlescentMoon: We’ll block off spawn or something – it’s gonna be okay

Grian: THATS THE THING

Grian: HES NOT AT SPAWN

Grian: HES IN MY BASE

4:00 P.M.

Samgladiator -> Grian

Samgladiator: found you :)

—

“An enchanted Netherite sword? I’m impressed, Gree-on!” 

Grian gripped the sword tighter, pulling his wings in tightly. “What about leaving me alone do you not understand? Fuck off!” 

“Oh come on, didn’t you miss me at all?” Sam’s voice took on a lilting tone. 

“No! Haven’t you been listening? I told you to fuck off!” He swung at Sam, who barely dodged and got slashed.

The rabbit hybrid took out his own sword, backing him up against the wall.

His breath caught— just go along with him so he doesn’t hurt you he’ll kill you he’ll stab you just like he stabbed Taurtis and no one will care— and it felt like the world was slipping under his feet and he was alone - no, no, he’s not alone he’s in Hermitcraft and he has friends who care about him. He can get through this, for Gods’ sake he won Third Life. He could deal with Sam.

Grian kicked him away and ran.

4:06 P.M.

PearlescentMoon -> Grian

PearlescentMoon: Why is he in your base???

PearlescentMoon: Grian?????

PearlescentMoon: Are you okay??? Whats happening???

Grian: cant tlajk runnijng

PearlescentMoon: Oh my gods

Grian: woukd it be better if i killed him or just ran

PearlescentMoon: GRIAN

“Honestly, Gree-on, what if I just want to talk?” Sam asked, “I know high school wasn’t pleasant, but it was high school!”

He pressed himself further into his hiding spot, a hand over his mouth to stifle any sounds. He typed with one hand.

4:08 P.M.

Grian -> PearlescentMoon

Grian: ok but like i need opinions

PearlescentMoon: Run

PearlescentMoon: you dont need to kill him!

PearlescentMoon: We’re almost there

“I will never understand you.” He sighed, and the sound of metal screeching against the floor became apparent. “You make a portal to let me in and then tell me to get out. What is your problem?”

Don’t take the bait. Don’t listen to him.  

“I mean, really! You did this in high school too! Always lying and making yourself out to be poor Gree-on. Pretending you’re like such an innocent angel, oh no, poor me getting dragged along by Sam! ” He mocked, laughing darkly. “Come on. We both know you could’ve left anytime you wanted to. You liked it, you can admit it! I won’t judge.”

Grian gritted his teeth. Fuck this. He peeked out of his hiding spot. Sam was walking around slowly, sword dragging against the cave ground. I could take him. His back is turned, I could jump him right now.

Would that make me as bad as him? He hesitated, before shaking his head. No. Don’t think like that.

He lunged and swung his sword and–

4:12 P.M.

PearlescentMoon -> Grian

PearlescentMoon: We’re here

6:01 P.M.

Main Chat

Samgladiator left the game.

Xisumavoid: Alright things are fixed

Xisumavoid: Should be fine now

Grian: thank you

Grian: im sorry

6:19 P.M.

Grian -> Grian

Grian: you’re fine

Grian: absolutely fine

Grian: youre okay youre okay

Grian: deep breaths
Grian: calm down youre fine 

6:31 P.M. 

Grian: . i cant do this

Grian: no one should trust you

Grian: why do They trust you

Grian: youre the worst

Grian: you shouldve died a long time agao

Grian: your;e a liar an d a cowaard an da m ,urdrer

6:48 P.M.

Grian: yo ure patheyic

Grian: nevetf orget t hst

Chapter Text

Sun spilled into Grian’s base, waking him up from a very fitful rest. He didn’t want to try magic again any time soon, so no sleeping spells had helped him. Obviously no sleeping potions either; his attempt was disastrous.

Everything ached.

He wrapped his wings around himself— purple, not gray and bandaged — and screwed his eyes shut. He didn’t think he could face anyone after that. At the same time, he didn’t think he could handle being alone either.

I’m a mess. He thought self-deprecatingly. I’m surprised Sam never killed me back then. I probably wouldn’t have been able to fight back. And then I’d die alone. And no one would miss me.

Grian groaned. Ugh, that thought process wasn’t going to help, he knew that. He reluctantly sat up, rubbing his eyes. 

His communicator was buzzing. He picked it up– oh, Gods, he slept in– and squinted at the messages. They were from Scar.

GoodTimeWithScar-> Grian

8:51 A.M. 

GoodTimeWithScar: Hey i’m coming over

Grian: ?

Grian: do i nof have a choice in the matger lol

GoodTimeWithScar: Yep! I’m coming over and theres nothing you can do about it

Grian: okay

Not having enough energy to argue (even playfully), he put his communicator down and got out of bed. He probably looked like a mess. He needed to wash his sweater– Good thing it’s red, huh? Can’t see the blood that way— and he probably needed to fix his hair.

And preen, that too. He’d have to try preening on his own again. The last time Scar tried didn’t go well. He couldn’t take any hands on his wings when his thoughts kept jumping to hands on gray wings, pulling out feathers and snapping delicate bones.

Grian shuddered. Sweater first. 

“Hellooo Grian!” Scar cheered, flying in and nearly scaring the living daylights out of him. 

“Hey Scar. What’s up?” He weakly grinned, putting down his wet sweater. He was wearing a black tank top with a mock turtleneck instead of said sweater.

“Nothing, I just wanted to check in. Hang out. Have some Good Times.” Grian could hear the capitalization of Good Times.

He tried to match his energy, “I’d be up for some Good Times! What Good Times do you have in mind?”

“I was thinking perhaps cloud gazing. If you know any good places for it, that is.”

“Sounds good to me,” It did. Grian didn’t really cloud gaze all that much, but it sounded nice and he didn’t have the energy for anything big. He tilted his head, “Is there a certain method to cloud gazing I don’t know about?”

“Of course there is, Grian! There’s a strategy.”

He smiled a little more genuinely. “Really? What would that strategy be?”

“Just follow me and you’ll see!”

They had settled on a nondescript hill (“You want a place that’s kind of high up but not too high up so you can see the clouds better but not be in the clouds” was Scar’s advice) and staring up at the clouds.

“Is that a— Cumulobo— Cumulonimbus—?” Grian questioned, squinting up. He didn’t remember much about cloud names— he hadn’t learned about it during school, or, well, if he did, he was rather distracted— but he thought he remembered the name being mentioned in some Disney-Pixar movie Scar made him watch. 

Scar hummed. “Hmm.. I don’t think so, those are thunderstorm clouds. These aren’t thunderstorm clouds.” 

“Do you know a lot about clouds?” 

“Nah, not really. I know there’s a lot of them, and they’re pretty, and that one over there looks like Jellie!” He pointed at a cloud. It did look like a cat. Particularly a cat that had its legs tucked under it like a loaf of bread.

“That looks more like Maui, I think.” 

“No, it’s definitely Jellie. I can tell by the face.” 

“It doesn’t have a face! It’s a cloud!”

“You’re just not being creative enough to see a face. You’ve gotta tap into your right brain.” He tapped the right side of his head. 

Grian scoffed playfully. “I am plenty creative! I mean, just look at– that cloud! I can see my base in that.” He gestured at a tall cloud.

“Like your season six one?” 

“No, it’s my current one— see the little bits around it? Those are the rocks.”

“Ooh, I can see that.”

It was nice to hang out with Scar, even if, honestly, he still felt awful. There was a constant, nagging sense of anxiety and dread in the back of his head. 

Am I trying to make myself upset? He wondered, Am I subconsciously doing this to myself? Maybe I’m just faking it— No. He stopped, imagining shoving that thought into a box labeled ‘do not open.’ God. I thought I got over that.

I’ve been so much worse lately.

If he knew how to move on, then everything would’ve been fine. He would’ve blocked Sam with nothing more than an eye roll and then continued with his base. 

“You still there, Grian?” Scar waved a hand over his eyes, snapping him out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah. I’m just thinking.” 

“About what?”

“Nothing really.”

Scar paused for a moment, sitting up and looking at him. “You know you can tell me if anything’s wrong.” 

Grian sat up slowly. Oh. “Is this about yesterday?” He asked, voice turning flat. 

“..Not necessarily.” He answered in a way that let him know it was definitely about yesterday. 

Grian looked away from him, wings bristling. “Well, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“…Okay. That’s fine.”

He wasn’t expecting that answer.

“You’re acting weird,” Grian stated, tone accusatory. He knew he was sort of being a jerk, but Scar was acting weird and it was throwing him off. He stood up, turning on him. “What do you want?” His voice sounded shakier than intended.

“Wh- Nothing!” Scar sputtered, “I’m just asking if you’re okay!”

“Really? Is that all?” 

“ Yes! I’m concerned for you! That’s all!” Scar insisted, standing up. “How could I not be? You’re not looking the best and yesterday wasn’t exactly a picnic—“

Grian scoffed, “I can take care of myself, thank you very much.”

“I want to help you! You don’t need to keep doing this alone!” 

“But I do!” He ran his hands through his hair stressfully, “Listen, I- I know it’s kind of selfish, but it’s better if you just don’t know.” 

“Selfish?” Scar sounded appalled at the very thought. “What do you mean?” 

“I don’t want you to think differently of me. I don’t want you to look at me differently like you’re doing now.” He refused to look at Scar, refused to confirm what he was thinking. He continued, “You don’t need to treat me like I’m some, some fragile piece of glass, it’s fine. I’ll get over it. Let’s please just pretend yesterday never happened.”

“Grian, I can’t just do that!”

“ I can’t do this! Stop it, stop pitying me, stop judging me, I know you think I’m crazy but I swear to every god that I’m not,” Grian knew he was rambling and probably making his case worse, but he couldn’t stop, “If you knew then I don’t know what I’d do with myself because you’d hate me and maybe, just maybe I’d have to deal with the fact Sam was right!” 

He panted from his outburst, still refusing to look at Scar. He laughed quietly without humor. “I know he’s not, I know he’s not , but there’s still the possibility that he was,” His voice sounded pathetic. “Maybe I’ve fooled myself into thinking I’m the victim, maybe I am a horrible person and a selfish coward. He’s not right. But he could be, and I— I don’t know what I would do then.” 

He couldn’t shut up, this was the part where Scar was finally going to lose his patience and cut things off. He wouldn’t hurt him, he wasn’t the type of person to do that. But he would never talk to him again. Maybe Scar would tell everyone how terrible Grian was. Maybe he wouldn’t have a server anymore. Maybe he’d fall right back into Sam’s hands where he belonged.

Why did he ever think things could end without being in ruin?

“Grian.” Scar started softly. 

He winced, wings drooping. 

“I would never think that way about you.” He said firmly. Grian took a glimpse at Scar. He looked upset, but he wasn’t lashing out or lecturing him or anything. 

To Grian’s horror, he realized he was crying.

“Oh, dear,” Scar’s hand hovered close to him before pausing, “Do you mind if I touch you right now?” 

He shook his head, not trusting his voice, and Scar gently wiped away a tear with his thumb. He held his face tenderly. 

It made Grian’s heart hurt. Fuck the Hermits for constantly challenging what he thought love and family were. It was so foreign and nice . He wasn’t used to it, but he didn’t think he could go back to how he saw the world before. Not after all the seasons he’d spent with them. 

“It’s alright. You’re gonna be okay, Gri,” He pulled him into a hug, “I could never hate you.” Even if you should.

Grian buried his head into Scar’s shoulder and let himself cry.

6:34 P.M.

GoodTimeWithScar -> Grian

GoodTimeWithScar: Are you feeling any better?

Grian: i dont know

Grian: a little

Grian: not really

GoodTimeWithScar: Thats okay

GoodTimeWithScar: Do you want to have some Good Times tomorrow?

Grian: yeah

Grian: id love to

6:35 P.M.

Grian -> Grian

Grian: i dont know how to feel

Grian: except tired

Grian: this is so fucking hard

6:47 P.M.

Grian: i still feel like hes gonna hate me

Grian: i dont know

Grian: honestly i hate myself

Grian: that feels horrible to type out

6:59 P.M.

Grian: you know scar can make anyone believe anything

Grian: maybe i should believe him on this

Grian: this whole getting better thing SUCKS

7:20 P.M. 

Grian: .

Grian: i kind of buried my reminder

Grian: with all of the

Grian: mental breakdown

Grian: future me find gong

Chapter Text

8:34 A.M.

Grian -> Grian

Grian: i have to delete stuff again.

Grian: that breakdown was considerably worse

Grian: i dont want to

Grian: i deserve to see it

Grian: no

Grian: ok im just

Grian: im just gonna do some of it. 

Grian: thats progress right

Grian: .like progress swimming up a magma bubble elevator

8:46 A.M.

Grian: do i also have to delete that

Grian: SELF CARE IS SO HARD.

Grian deleted 11 messages.

Grian: good enough

2:01 P.M. 

PearlescentMoon -> Grian

PearlescentMoon: How are you holding up?

PearlescentMoon: Dont lie

Grian: horrid

PearlescentMoon: i figured

Grian: i could be doing worse

PearlescentMoon: That doesn’t mean anything

Grian: im just glad i have the other hermits

PearlescentMoon: Theyre a great bunch, aren’t they?

Grian: yeah

Grian: i lucked out

11:34 A.M.

Xisumavoid -> Grian

Xisumavoid: So do you think you could explain how Sam got onto the server

11:39 A.M

Grian -> Grian

Grian: respond to x

Grian: i just need a bit but i will

12:13 P.M

Grian: pretty sure a bit has passed by now

Grian: he has a right to know

Grian: sure its embarrassing but. whatever.

12:27 P.M.

Grian: do you WANT to get banned?

12:41 P.M.

Grian -> Xisumavoid

Grian: yeah

Grian: sorry i was doing smth

Xisumavoid: I assume its the Watcher status?

Grian: yes

Grian: im cool like that

Xisumavoid: So why then?

Xisumavoid: considering the fact you two didnt look two happy to see each other

Grian: it was an accident

Grian: screwed up the intent or whatever. 

Grian: i swear i didnt want him to come over i

Xisumavoid: Its fine. I believe you

Grian: rookie mistake i know.

Grian: im bad at my job

Xisumavoid: In all fairness i dont think youve been Watching for long

Grian: 3 years is a while

Xisumavoid: in Watcher time?

Grian: .

Grian: yeah ok point taken

Xisumavoid: Dont beat yourself up over it

Xisumavoid: Just wanted to make sure it wasn’t a flaw with the server whitelist

Grian: servers fine

Grian: i checked

Grian: im just built different

Xisumavoid: Alright cool thank you

Xisumavoid: How are you doing?

/whisper Xisumavoid: im fine

Grian: honestly i could be better

Xisumavoid: Thats understandable, all things considered

Xisumavoid: Remember we’re here if you need anything

Grian: yea

Grian: thanks

1:04 P.M.

Grian -> Grian

Grian: that couldve gone a lot worse

Grian: cherish that.

3:35 P.M.

GoodTimeWithScar -> Grian

GoodTimeWithScar: You still up for some Good Times? 

Grian: yeah course

Grian: ill come over?

GoodTimeWithScar: Ill show you my amusement park! title in progress

Grian: cool :-)

6:02 P.M.

GoodTimeWithScar: I’m glad youre feeling a little better!

Grian: haha yeah

6:26 P.M

Grian: i didnt hurt my wing

GoodTimeWithScar: What?

Grian: when you were preening my wings and i freaked out

Grian: i didnt hurt my wing 

Grian: i lied

GoodTimeWithScar: Oh

GoodTimeWithScar: Oh.

GoodTimeWithScar: What happened?

Grian: sam broke my wing

Grian: and it remidned me of that

Grian: its stupid

Grian: it was a while ago it dshouldnt freak me out anymore

GoodTimeWithScar: fuck

GoodTimeWithScar: That’s not stupid gri

Grian: usually it doesnt bother me

Grian: but it was already on my mind

Grian: i thought about how easily you could break my wings and i panicked

GoodTimeWithScar: .how badly did he hurt you

Grian: isnt that the million dollar question

GoodTimeWithScar: Grian please

Grian: i dont know

Grian: im sorry i dont have a better answer

Chapter Text

2:45 A.M.

Grian -> MumboJumbo

Grian: aree you awkse? 

Grian: awjae

Grian: awake

MumboJumbo: yeah I am 

MumboJumbo: Nightmares?

Grian: mh m

Grian: can i come over

MumboJumbo: Of course 

“Is it the same one as usual?” Mumbo asked casually, as if discussing his restaurant order. They’d been in this exact situation many, many times before, sometimes reversed, sometimes much more panicked, and sometimes oddly mundane. Turns out being in a death game has the unfortunate side effect of frequent nightmares after the fact. Who would’ve thought.

They were both in Mumbo’s base. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor, ignoring the perfectly good table and chair. Mumbo also ignored the furniture. He sat down in front of him, two teacups in hand. 

Grian gladly accepted the cup of tea he offered. “Different one.” He sighed— his voice sounded like and felt like it’d been sanded. Honestly, he almost wished he had his usual nightmare instead of having more high school trauma dredged up. 

“Wanna talk about it?”

He let himself think about it for about five seconds before deciding his unusually honest streak ended here. “Not really.” 

The tea helped with the fact Grian had woken up thinking he was choking on plastic. 

“How about instead you tell me about whatever you’re up for?” He offered, half teasing. Obvious deflection. Mumbo didn’t point this out; this had happened many times before.

A lot of the time he just needed someone else to be there, a possible anchor if he were to spiral more, a reminder that wherever his nightmare was, he wasn’t there. 

“Just making up for lost time! That’s all!” Mumbo said defensively, as if the redstone dust smeared across his hands and sleeves weren’t a dead giveaway.

“You have a horrible sleep schedule and work ethic.” He deadpanned.

“So do you!”

“Takes one to know one!”

…

9:04 A.M.

Grian -> MumboJumbo

Grian: i left a little after you passed out

Grian: thanks again 

1:56 A.M.

Grian: uou awake ?

Grian: can i comr ovrr aguan

MumboJumbo: b

Grian: ???

MumboJumbo: Its thumbs up

Grian: oh okay ty

11:27 A.M.

Grian: tomighjt youre going to sleep. ive decided

MumboJumbo: Im almost finished

Grian: no

Grian: no more stsying up and working a for 14 hours

MumboJumbo: Okay fine

4:02 A.M.

Grian: pleasevveve awake i need you

Grian: i lnow. I told you ou to sleep but i feel like im dying

Grian: im sorryrb for being a bad frined plwse pelas

Grian: im so tirred of feeling unssfe im my own b ase

Grian: i m sscare d an thats hard to admit

Grian: please 

4:10 A.M.

Grian deleted 6 messages.

8:21 A.M.

MumboJumbo: What exactly was that for?

Grian: i didnt think youd understand what “akjdidm🔓📩🩻” meant

MumboJumbo: Clearly i need to lock up my mail so skeletons wont steal it

Grian: hmm i hadnf considerd that

Grian: im a genius st 4 am

MumboJumbo: Probably not

MumboJumbo: Did you at least sleep after

Grian: ywa

MumboJumbo: Good

MumboJumbo: You clearly need the rest

Grian: im just glad you finally went to sleep instead of working on more redsfone

Grian: if that redstone dust was any darker itd look lime you kiilled someone

MumboJumbo: Its not that bad!

MumboJumbo: Okay it is that bad

Grian: spoon behavior

8:42 A.M.

Grian -> Grian

Grian: incredible

Grian: one of the worst performancds of my carrerr and he never doubted it for a second

Grian: kind of feel bad but whatever he doesnt need this right now

Grian: he doesnt need me 

Chapter Text

It’s 5 A.M. and I haven’t slept, Grian thought blankly. 

He didn’t have any plans to. He would be exhausted all day, most likely, but it wouldn’t be anything he wasn’t used to. He’d stayed up until one the previous night and stayed up until three the night before that. He’d rather deal with the long, long hours of the night and the longer, draining hours of the day than go to sleep.

He had a vague awareness of the fact that by all accounts, staying up was making his problems worse. Staying up would make him more tired and more prone to mistakes which would make him more anxious which would make him unable to sleep at night which would land him there again. Vicious cycle.

He elected to ignore that.

It’s 5 A.M. and I’m self-reflecting. Which was a sign he should probably go to sleep, but he took it as a sign he should get more coffee. He downed another cup.

Grian just had to keep himself busy. Sure, he could stay up just fine laying in bed and staring at the ceiling for six hours, but that was boring. And unproductive.

Instead he was going to pretend he wasn’t flinching at shadows and hadn’t moved his bed so he could sleep with his back to the wall so he could feel safer by scrutinizing his base for the 7,000th time. And getting more coffee.

Vicious cycle. Endless loop.

He used to feel that way about high school, although the dread was less about the night and more about the day. He ended up staying up then, too. Maybe he just had insomnia. 

Grian could see the sky begin to lighten. He set off a rocket and flew up, perching on the top of his base.

The sun was rising.

Thank the gods the sun was rising.

…

4:02 P.M

GoodTimeWithScar -> Grian

GoodTimeWithScar: Please go to sleep

Grian: ok listen i know that looked bad

GoodTimeWithScar: You literally collapsed on me

Grian: i tripped

GoodTimeWithScar: You can lie to other people but you can’t lie to me

Grian: fine

Grian: ill sleep

GoodTimeWithScar: Good!

4:07 P.M.

Grian -> Grian

Grian: im good at acting

Grian: i can act like a normal person who has gotten an adaquete amount of sleep

Grian: i can do that

Here I am, awake at midnight again. Grian thought dully, back against the wall. It squished his wings. He ignored it.

He had sort of tried to sleep. He’d kept himself busy until he felt exhausted and then collapsed onto his bed, but, sleep didn’t come even after an hour. At that point, he might as well throw that attempt at rest away too.

Fine. Whatever. He didn’t like sleeping anyway.

His failure at making a sleep potion was a sign from the universe that he shouldn’t sleep at all. 

Grian rubbed his eyes hard enough to see spots. Gods, this sucked. He was spiraling and he was aware of it, but he didn’t know how to stop it. Or if he even should, or if he deserved to spiral for the rest of eternity— And I’m doing it again!

Vicious cycle. Endless loop.

He was well aware that one of the main reasons he was avoiding sleep was entirely irrational, but he ignored that. Knowing the thing giving him anxiety wasn’t plausible wouldn’t stop him from being anxious. 

Maybe he was malfunctioning or something. Maybe that was the problem here. 

He wondered if Sam was the cause for most of his issues or if he was just inherently broken. He doubted you could blame most of your problems on one person.

And, well, Grian thought he was getting better, both mental health-wise and being-a-decent person-wise, but there was evidence to contradict that long before Sam rudely crashed into his life again. The Life servers were a prime example of that. Need he say anything more than that?

Vicious cycle. Endless loop. He never changed, just like Sam said.

…

11:34 A.M

PearlescentMoon -> Grian

PearlescentMoon: Have you been sleeping ?

Grian: yes 

Grian: why

PearlescentMoon: No you havent— i can tell

Grian: no you csnt

PearlescentMoon: You cant lie to me about sleep Im related to the moon

PearlescentMoon: I know these things Grian

Grian: oh shit really

PearlescentMoon: No, you’re just a bad actor 

Grian: oh

Grian: HEY IM A GREAT ACTOR

PearlescentMoon: Not on 2 hours of sleep

Grian: okay you csughtt ne

PearlescentMoon: Sleep

PearlescentMoon: At least take a nap

Grian: nno

PearlescentMoon: Why?

PearlescentMoon: Whatever it is Im sure I can help

Grian: i was

Grian: looking for my gong

PearlescentMoon: What

Grian: i cant find my gong

Grian: spent all night looking for it

Grian: but i am sril gonglss

PearlescentMoon: Why do you need your gong

Grian: i think you should be asking yourself why you dont need your gong

Grian: you know the pyramid of needs

Grian: basic needs pycholcglocial needs, etc

Grian: thats all fulfilled by gong

PearlescentMoon: I didn’t know you felt so strongly about gongs

Grian: i just want gong in my life

PearlescentMoon: just wait until morning to look for it??

PearlescentMoon: Either way please get sleep

Grian: fiiine

Was it stupid, to sometimes be more afraid when he didn’t have nightmares?

Grian noticed he either had nightmares or no dreams at all. And, unreasonably so, that was horrifying. He never remembered falling asleep, he only remembered staying up and getting drowsy enough to get in his bed. All of a sudden, black. Then he’d wake up. That was terrifying.

In those hours he was sleeping, anything could happen and he wouldn't know. Someone could die, the server could explode, his base could be messed with, he could die. He wouldn’t know, because he’d be sleeping.

Is that what it always circled back to? Being hurt? Even in a place where he knew no one would hurt him, was that always what he was afraid of? 

That thought process made him feel worse because if you think about it, Sam could only hurt him because he let him.

Dammit, stop. Stop thinking like that. That’s what he always says, stop it!

Vicious cycle. Endless loop.

For the thousandth time, Grian wondered if he should tell someone.

That was what you did in tough situations, as far as he knew. When you were struggling, you got help. Easy as that— but what they didn’t mention was all the complicated variables in that.

Yes, of course getting help would be good, but that was disregarding the fact Grian had already gone to them one too many times. There was a limit, and he was not keen to reach it. Not to mention that he 1) had already caused trouble, 2) didn’t want to bother them, and 3) really didn’t want to. Sure, talking to Scar sort of made him feel better, but it had also made him feel anxious.

”How badly did he hurt you?” The question he’d never thought about yet had asked himself a million times. That was what it came down to. Whether it was not at all and a product of Grian’s imagination or horribly, terribly a lot and he was broken beyond repair. In the end, that was the real question he needed to ask. The more and more it circled in his head, the less certain in an answer he was.

You get it. Vicious cycle. Endless fucking loop. He was spinning and spiraling and he didn’t think he’d ever stop.

He got worse with each endless, looping night.