Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Wheels, bathroom.” Captain Yami ordered. It was normal for Yami to be too lazy to find the bathroom on his own, so he used Finral as his wheels. Finral complained about it, but Yami just gave him the look. Finral hated just being the wheels. He nodded and opened the portal. This was all Finral felt he was good for nowadays. After Yami had gone through the portal, Finral decided to go outside in the fresh air. Maybe clear his mind… or not.

Finral let out a loud sigh and looked at the sky. ‘Not a cloud in sight…’ he thought to himself. He looked down at the ground, he knew he shouldn't linger outside for long since the Captain would call for him soon, but he really didn’t feel like doing that today, but since Yami was his Captain, he had no choice but to listen.
He’s requested days off before, but Yami always denied it. Maybe if he tried harder to convince Yami, he would get a day off, but Finral found it to just be worthless effort. Not like he ever put much effort into anything but running. He felt like he was just a coward. So why was he still in the Black Bulls after so long? He thought he should’ve been kicked out by now since he never hardly did anything. Well… That’s not true… He did do some of the Captain’s work since he didn’t feel like doing it. He also transported a lot of people and stuff… and that’s all he is… A form of transportation… Captain Yami’s wheels. He didn’t feel like he was being treated like an actual person anymore. He hated it, and he would say something about it, but every time he tries, he gets too nervous and he ends up just taking it.

“Finral.” A voice spoke, making Finral jump as he was brought out of his thoughts. He turned. It was Magna.

“Yeah? What is it?” Finral asked.

“Captain’s calling you.” He replied. Finral sighed.

“Yeah… figures…” He mumbled as he opened a portal and walked though. There was Captain Yami. He was standing in front of Finral. They were outside of the bathroom and Yami looked pissed.

“You’ve got some nerve… Why did you take so long to get here?” He spoke in a deep and intimidating voice. It gave Finral goosebumps.

“I’m sorry Captain! I was outside so-”

“Oh yeah? What makes you think going outside is a good idea? A shit can only take so long, and you’re my wheels…” Yami said. Finral looked down. When it came to Captain Yami, Finral admired him. He always looked up to Captain Yami, he was strong, brave, powerful, confident… Everything Finral wished he could be… When Captain Yami was mad though, it really scared Finral sometimes and it stressed him out. “Oi! You gonna say something!?” Yami spoke loudly into Finral’s ear. Finral let out a small scream as he was zoning out once again.

“I’m sorry, I was just feeling a bit sick and… I needed some air…” Finral finally replied. Yami sighed.

“Eh… Whatever, portal me to my office, would ya?” Yami demanded. Finral obliged and opened the portal. Sometimes Finral was very tempted to say ‘do it yourself’, but he took the smarter choice and remained silent. Yami started to light a cigarette as he left through the portal. Why didn’t he use Magna for that? After the portal closed, Finral leaned down. He was sweating slightly and his heart was beating. Although, this wasn’t the usual sweating and quickened heartbeat he felt around Yami. That feeling that was warm and happy, no… this feeling overcame Finral when Yami was upset. It was the feeling of stress. Lots of times Finral didn’t quite know what he was feeling, but right now, he knew it was stress and his nerves unnerved. Don’t get Finral wrong, he wasn’t necessarily scared of the Captain or harbor any hatred towards him, he just needed a break sometimes.

Finral was in his room. He still felt a bit nervous, so he tried reading, but it didn’t help him whatsoever. He tried many things to calm himself down every time this happened, nothing ever worked. He’s tried eating, talking to Vanessa, talking to Gordon, but he barely understood him, though Gordon was happy to speak to Finral. One time Finral even tried to fight Luck. He didn’t know where he got the idea, but he was desperate to get his mind off of the Captain, even if it meant Luck stressing him out more. He ended up in the infirmary for three days.

Finral put the book down and thought to himself. ‘What else could I do?’ All of the sudden, he got a horrible idea. A few weeks ago, he was on a mission and his group got ambushed. He was with Gauche and Grey. He ended up getting hurt by one of the enemies. The enemy had cut his arm, it hurt a lot, yet at the same time… he felt the slightest bit of relief. He got up and made his way downstairs. He walked into the kitchen. Charmy was cooking, but Charmy never really pays attention to anything around her when she’s cooking without a fight around her. Finral made his way to a drawer and when Charmy wasn’t looking, he grabbed a knife and slipped it into his sleeve.

“Hey Finral! Are you hungry? Try some of this! It’s really yummy!” Charmy smiled, offering Finral a cupcake.

“Ah… Sorry Charmy, I’m not really hungry.” Finral declined. Charmy gave him a puzzled look.

“Eh? Why are you here if you aren’t hungry?” Charmy asked. Finral looked down.

“Well, I was looking for something and thought it might be in here, but I just remembered where it might be.” Finral answered. Charmy nodded and waved as Finral began to walk out.

“Good luck then!” She cheered.

“Thanks.”

He looked in the common room. Magna and Vanessa were bugging Luck about something. He only heard the word ‘apology’ before he lost interest and left.

Finral closed and locked his bedroom door. Then, he made his way to his bathroom and locked the door. He rolled up his sleeves as far up as they could go. ‘If I do this… Would it really help me?’ He nervously thought to himself. ‘Alright… Just one cut or two. They’ll be shallow too.’

Finral put the blade to his skin, took a deep breath and…
He sliced his skin. It hurt, but he also felt relief as he did so. He was shocked. So, he did another cut, this time, it was deeper and longer, Finral decided to do another. Another and another and another, eventually Finral lost count until it was minutes later he finally realized what he was doing. He froze. He dropped the knife and stared at his arms. They were completely covered in blood and deep cuts. Although he didn’t realize what he was doing, he was careful to not cut anything that would be his undoing.

‘So much blood…? What the hell have I done?’ Finral thought with a bit of panic.

He quickly looked in the cabinets and found some disinfectant and some bandages. ‘I’m never doing that again.’ He swore to himself. He wrapped his arms and left for the common room.

“Hey Finral! What’s up? The Captain finally let you go?” Vanessa laughed, taking a drink. Finral sighed and nodded.

“Yeah…” Finral replied.

“Did you get in trouble?” Magna asked with a laugh. Finral sadly nodded.

“Jeez, sometimes I feel bad for you Mr. Wheels.” Magna jokes. Finral scoffs and gasps.

“Hey! I’m y-”

“Magna! Let’s fight!” Luck cheered.

‘You know what? Nevermind.’ Finral thought with a sigh.

It was now two weeks later. Finral ended up doing it again even though he swore to himself he wouldn’t, in fact, He developed an addiction. Every time he did it, he swore he wouldn’t do it again, but he ended up doing it anyway.

Finral would sometimes scratch his arms, or he’d flinch for no good reason, or just look as if he was in pain. Finral thought nobody would really notice… but… there were two Black Bulls that took notice and were suspicious. One had a slight idea about what he was doing, the other took notice of the odd behavior.

The Black Bulls were at the dinner table. The food was tasty as usual, but Finral couldn’t help but notice he felt like he was being stared at. He looked around the table. Nobody seemed to be staring at him… Then, Finral finally found the eyes that were staring. Charmy was staring at him. What’s wrong with her? The expression she wore… it was like she had an itch she couldn’t quite scratch.

After dinner, Finral left for the kitchen for a glass of water.

“Finral.” A voice spoke from behind. Finral turned around. It was Charmy, she was sitting on the counter and she seemed a bit down.

“Is something wrong?” Finral asked.

“Well… You see, one of the knives has gone missing.” Finral’s heart skipped a beat.

“Really? When?” Finral tried to play dumb.

“Around two weeks ago… When you came looking for your thing…” Charmy replied.

“That’s really weird… What do you think happened to it?” Finral questioned.

“I don’t know… So, what was the thing you were looking for? Two weeks ago.” Charmy asked.

‘Is she suspicious!? No… It’s Charmy… Why would she be suspicious? I’ll just lie and she’ll let it go.’ He thought. “I was looking for… my… money! Yeah, I lost my pouch of coins! I ended up finding them under the bed!” Finral lied. ‘Pouch of coins!? Was that really the best you could come with!?’ Finral internally beat himself up.

“Hmm… Alright then!” Charmy smiled. Finral sighed and left the kitchen.

It was two days later. Everyone was out. They were either at the market or on a mission. Either way, it would be hours before anyone would be home. It was just Captain Yami and Finral.

Finral was on his way to Yami’s office. For what reason, he didn’t know. Yami had just yelled for him. He opened the door and walked in.

“What is it you needed me for, Captain?” He asked. Captain Yami sighed and got up. He walked up to Finral. “Yami? Is something wrong with my face?” Finral asked, confused.

“Can you show me your arms?” Yami asked. He was serious. Finral’s heart dropped and his eyes widened.

“W-What…?” Finral stuttered, taking a few steps back.

“You heard me Finral… Show me your arms…” Yami demanded. Finral opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. “Don’t make me force you Finral…” He threatened. He opened a portal and tried to run. The thing he was good at… Yami grabbed his wrist and pulled him back. The portal closed.

‘There’s no way out of this…!’ Finral panicked. Yami reached for Finral’s sleeve, but then Finral started to punch Yami’s gut again and again to get him to stop. The punches were weak and desperate. Yami hesitated before he grabbed the sleeve and began to roll it down. “STOP!” Finral yelled. It was then he realized that he’d been holding his breath. Yami stopped. The expression on his face… He looked upset. He didn’t look angry though… He just looked sad and disappointed. Not in Finral though, in himself. He let go of Finral and he tried to run.

“You aren’t getting away that easily… We’ve gotta talk Finral.” Yami explained as he grabbed Finral’s wrist. “Sit down.” Yami demanded as he pointed at his chair. Finral looked down and listened. Yami pulled out a chair that was against the wall and sat in front of Finral.

“Why…?” Finral mumbled. Yami twitched and spoke.

“You mean why did I do that or how did I know?” Yami asked. Finral didn’t answer. “Over the past two weeks I’ve noticed that you’ve been acting not like the usual Finral. Charmy told me that she saw you take one of the knives in the kitchen, and then you lied about it. She told me what she thought you might’ve been doing… and it seems… she was right…” Yami explained. Finral was shaking.

‘She… saw me? She saw me? She saw me? Sh-’

“There’s no need to panic, Finral… you’re not in trouble.” Yami reassured Finral. Finral covered his face with his hands in embarrassment and shame.

“I’m sorry…” He muttered as he started to cry. Yami’s eyes widened. He put his hand on Finral’s shoulder and his other hand grabbed one of Finral’s hands and moved it away from his face. Finral opened his eyes and looked at Yami, he was shocked at what he saw. Yami was sad. He seemed to be having a hard time suppressing the urge to cry.

“What’re you apologizing for!? You didn’t do anything wrong! If it’s anyone’s fault… It’s mine.” Yami spoke painfully as he looked down.

“But… I…”

“Just stop… Stop blaming yourself for everything. You do that too much.” Yami yelled, causing Finral to flinch. “It wasn’t you… It was me. It’s my fault you did that to yourself… isn’t it?” Yami questioned.

“What? No! Of course n-”

“DON’T LIE TO ME FINRAL! If I hadn’t been pushing you… or been treating you better… or-” Yami was interrupted by Finral. Finral was hugging Yami.

“No… It wasn’t your fault… I was the one who did it… Please don’t cry because of me. I’m not worthy of your tears…” Finral explained, trying to push the blame off of Yami.

“...That’s bullshit.” Yami mumbled.

“Huh?”

“Finral, you deserve so much more than what you’ve gotten. You may think that you aren’t strong, but you are. You are a Black Bull just like the rest of us. You are part of our family and we all care about you. So, don’t you ever try anything like this again…” Yami explained. Finral had stopped crying, but the tears still came. He was shocked and listened carefully to his Captain. “Is that clear?”

Finral looked into Yami’s eyes. “I… I don’t know if I can stop… I tell myself I would, but…”

“Then I’ll make you stop.” Yami announced.

“What?” Finral stuttered in disbelief.

“If you ever feel like you can’t stop yourself, come to me and I won’t let it happen. I’m your Captain and it’s my responsibility to make sure my squad is in top shape. You don’t need to be embarrassed to talk about it. I care about you, Finral… and I’m sorry for pressuring you all the time. It’s not like I ever meant to.” he replied.

“...I forgive you. I’ve never held anything against you, but if it makes you feel better, I forgive you.” Finral smiled

“Don’t”

“Huh?”

“Don’t forgive me. I don’t deserve it. You forgive people too quickly. Some people don’t deserve forgiveness for their actions, even if they’re a good person.” Yami explained. Finral nodded. “And don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself. Whenever you feel like you need a break from now on, just talk to me. Although that doesn’t mean you get to take a break all the time…”

“Of course.” Finral laughed. Yami smiled.

“Now Finral, I want to repeat after me.” Yami ordered. Finral was confused, but he nodded. “I am worth it.”

“What?” Finral mumbled.

“You heard me. Say it.” Yami demanded. Finral sighed.

“Ugh… this is so stupid… I am… worth it.” He repeated, unsure.

“No good.” Yami said. Finral tilted his head. “You have to be louder and more confident.” Yami explained.

“I am worth it…” Finral said.

“Again.”

“...I am worth it.”

“Again.”

“Captain, I don't really see the point in this…” Finral complained.

“I said again.”

“I am worth it” Finral yelled.

“Good. Now repeat after me:” Finral nodded. “I am worth it.”

“I am worth it.”

“I am strong,” Finral sighed.

“I… am strong.”

“I can push past my limits.” Yami smiled. Finral gave him an annoyed look.

‘This is so embarrassing!’ He thought to himself. “I can push past my limits.” He repeated.

“Good. Now, every time you feel poorly of yourself, repeat those words every time until you believe it.” Yami spoke. Finral’s eyes widened and he thought about it. He supposed it was worth a shot.

“Alright Captain!” Finral spoke.

“Now promise you won’t do it again.” Yami demanded, awaiting his reply. Finral nodded.

“I promise.” He replied.

“Alright. If you break your promise then I’ll kick your ass.” Yami stated. Finral sighed with a tired nod, even so, Something about the conversation made him feel a lot better. “Now, let's get your injuries healed.” Yami said as he stood up. Finral nodded. “Can you open a portal?” Yami asked, politely this time. Finral nodded and opened the portal.

It was two months later. Finral’s arms were fully healed. It was hard for him to stop, but every time he felt tempted, he’d go to his Captain for help. Yami was much nicer to him and allowed Finral to take a break when he asked. Sometimes, Yami would even go places by himself now. One time he even found the bathroom by himself, Finral was very proud of him. Finral and Charmy also had a talk. He told her the truth. She was understanding and said she and food would be there for him anytime. Finral also did what Yami told him to do. He was much more confident in himself. Now all he had to do was get rid of the curse Langris said he had. His squadmates wish him good luck with that.

Chapter Text

Finral put the blade to his skin, took a deep breath and… the blade was smacked out of his hand? He looked up.

“What are you doing!?” Luck yelled. His expression… He wasn’t smiling and his eyes looked a bit watery…

“Luck? What are you doing here?” Finral muttered. Luck’s expression twisted to be a bit more upset. Why was Luck in there? Didn’t Finral lock the door? He also locked the bathroom door too… He looked at the doorknob, it was fried. Wouldn’t Finral have heard him though? He must’ve zoned out again.

“I asked you what you were doing! Answer me or else fight you and make you tell me!” Luck demanded. Finral looked down.

“Luck… I was just-”

“Just what?” Luck interrupted Finral. He didn’t answer.

“Why?” Luck asked. Finral closed his eyes hoping that he was just in a nightmare.

“This is just a nightmare…” Finral mumbled to himself. Suddenly, he felt stinging everywhere on his body. Then it stopped. He looked up. Luck was holding his arm.

“Finral! Tell me.” Luck demanded once again.

‘So this isn’t a dream…’ Finral thought to himself. Finral opened his mouth, but no words came out. Luck walked up to Finral.

“Don’t do that… ok Finral? It’s bad and none of us would be happy if something bad happened to you.” Luck said, softly, which was strange for Finral to hear from Luck. He returned Luck’s hug. Finral knew that Luck wasn’t really the comforting type, but he was doing his best. He was doing well.

“Mhm… It’s just… It gets so stressful. I can’t even take a break… I don’t even feel human anymore. I’m just… the Captain’s wheels.” Finral explained as he started to cry.

“You are not the Captain’s wheels. You are human Finral. You’re also a friend and everyone here cares about you! Even if you aren’t the best fighter… but you’ve also saved lots of people! Vanessa told me that when I’m feeling sad or upset I should talk about my feelings. Maybe you should talk about that with the Captain!” Luck explained, giving Finral a smile, but it wasn’t his normal smile. It was soft and comforting.

“I would, but… Everytime I try, I just freeze! He never lets me take breaks either!” Finral said. Luck thought for a second with his hand on his chin.

“Why would you freeze silly? It’s just Captain Yami! Not some strong ugly monster! Just talk about your feelings! I’m sure he’ll understand! If he doesn’t… I’ll fight him!” Luck proposed. Finral thought for a second and smiled.

“Thank you Luck… So… You stole that speech from Vanessa didn’t you? You and Magna were probably fighting.” Finral asked. Luck blinked a few times.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Luck smiled. Finral scoffed.

“Sure…” He mumbled. Luck looked at him seriously.

“Finral… can you not try to do that again?” Luck questioned. Finral nodded.

“Yeah… I promise I won’t.” He smiled. Luck grabbed his arm and started to drag Finral somewhere. “Luck? Where are you taking me!?” Finral asked nervously.

“You’re gonna talk to the Captain!” Luck replied with a laugh.

“What!?” Finral yelled. After a bit more resistance, they were at the Captain’s door.

“Alright! Go in.” Luck smiled. Finral looked down.

“What would I even say?” Finral asked. Luck thought for a second.

“Just be honest!” Luck replied.

“Alright…” Finral stuttered as he walked towards the door.

“Oh! Finral.” Luck said. Finral turned. “Sorry for putting you in the infirmary for three days!” Luck apologized. That must’ve been what Magna and Vanessa were bugging him about.

Finral was shocked, but then smiled. “Thank you Luck. You’re forgiven.” He smiled as he walked into Captain Yami’s office.

‘Good luck’ Luck thought. Most of his words might have originally been Vanessa’s, but Luck really did mean what he said, and Finral really appreciated it. After all, Luck had stopped him from making a horrible mistake.
‘Note to self: Magna isn’t completely insane for falling for the cheery berserker.’