Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Not a lot of people can understand this family. Don't ask the family members either, they just add on to the chaos when it happens. The parents found out they liked the same music and wanted to marry for tax purposes. 

Because who likes taxes?

Nobody, that’s who. 

Anygays, on the topic of marria- what, we weren’t on that topic? 

Yes we were, don’t argue with me.

That’s a very bad idea. On the topic of marriage, the four parents got married in a very non-traditional manner.

“Guys. Gals. Not on the binary pals. Mothers and duckers of the jury, we are gathered here today to celebrate the destruction of the government and taxes, alongside the quadruple marriage between the murder oreo Orca, the chaotic little shit(affectionate) Ethos, the definitely not a god Persephone and the final remaining Braincell in this entirety of this hellserver.” So said the officiator as the mad banquet of darkness began.

Afterwards, Persephone, one of the newly wed, did a sword dance with her dagger twin, Nyx. With the after party happening, the newly weddid bliss decided to somewhat adopt 2 kids. Don't ask how that happened either, the oldest child, named Chillin made it as a joke that they could adopt, little did she know they would actually adopt her. The 2nd child, named Flame, was just on the sideline wanting to be in the family. 

Nyx was Persephone's dagger twin, that's what they called each other. Nyx was the auncle to the two kids, and they had another aunt named Ivy, who was Ethos's sibling. Later, their family would only grow. The two kids ended up getting a cousin named Taz, who they found in the forest. Then they adopted Flame’s, who turned into the middle child, brother who was named Fastboi. Chillin was the oldest, and the one who was the first to be adopted. The youngest baby of the family was Romero. He was just a baby. That was all you needed to know about him.

Overall, the wedding was beautiful. Everybody had to wear cottagecore outfits, and bring a weapon of their choice. The only problem was that the catering was horrible. 

…

Wait, what?

They didn’t hire catering.

“WHAT ARE YOU GUYS EATING?!”

Chapter Text

"I told myself that this story was going to be serious." Flame complained, "so, WHY DID I ADD FLYING CHANCLETAS AS 'CREATURES'?" She yelled, questioning what she had down to her own story. 

In the second she had said that, Chillin had showed up, "I..WHAT?" 

Flame looked up, a smile that was slowly cracking into a mantic one. 

"THIS SOME DND LEVEL OF CREATURE." Chillin exclaimed. 

Flame knew she just had to explain. Why not?

 "Ok, well they act like birds-" She continued talking about it, trying to explain how a chancleta was pretty much a flip-flop, and her idea for her story.

 "THAT IS SO TERRIFYING!" Chillin paused for a moment, "And hilarious." 

Chillin went quiet for a moment before opening her mouth to speak again, "Dude, there should be a MOTHER OF THE CHANCLETAS." 

The two went silent, before bursting into excitement of ideas.

"They should have teeth!" Chillin explained as they were planning out the mother chancleta. 

Flame grinned maniacally, before sketching it out. 

"The shoe will open in the middle and it just has teeth." 

Flame then took out a picture, "Yeah? It'll look like this!" She showed the picture to everybody before relooking at the teeth. "Should I put that as a spoiler?" 

Orca appeared from outside the door, "No." 

He then walked out from the room leaving the two again alone in the room. 

Chillin laughed for a moment before explaining when Flame shot her a confused look, "ORCA LITERALLY ONLY CAME TO DENY AND LEFT!"

Flame joined in on the laughter, while Orca started popping in and out of the room, "In my defense, I'm figuring out Chris's god form." 

Flame went silent, "I thought you were still decapitating him?" 

"I'm doing both." Orca answered, then disappeared. 

The two laughed a bit, because Orca at the moment was trying to write a Wild Kratt's AU. 

No, I won't elaborate on that. 

Back to the main point, Chillin and Flame had come up with 3 different versions of the chancletas.

Mother, Admin, and the normal flying chancleta. 

When they had finished, Romero walked into the room and paused. "..Nope." He turned around and booked it, yelling: "EVERY BABY FOR THEMSELVES! DON'T LOOK BACK, KEEP RUNNING!!" 

In the back, Ivy and Nyx were slowly sipping their drinks, watching the chaos that their nephews were doing, knowing that this was either going to end good, or completely bad.

Chapter Text

Flame: Favorite horror movie?

Romero: It

Chillin: Saw

Fastboi: Annabelle

Taz: High School Musical. after watching it I spent all my middle school years terrified that the entire school would start singing something and I’d be the only one who didn’t know the lyrics

Flame, banging on the door: Romero! Open up!

 Romero: Well, it all started when I was a kid...

Chillin: No, they meant- 

FastBoi: Let them finish.

Ethos: Is stabbing someone immoral?

Romero: Not if they consent to it.

Orca: Depends who you’re stabbing.

Flame: YES?!?

Flame: Dang it, Romero! 

Romero: What?! It wasn’t me! 

Flame: Sorry, force of habit. Dang it, Chillin! 

Chillin: Not me either. 

Flame: Oh...Then who set the house on fire? 

FastBoi: whistles 

Orca: *putting away the matchbox* 

Flame: Everyone, synchronize your watches. 

Romero: I don’t know how to do that. 

Chillin: I don’t wear a watch. 

FastBoi: Time is a construct.

Cop: You’re receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle. 

Flame: Shoot. 

Romero: Wait, three? 

Cop: Yeah? 

Chillin: OH MY GOD FASTBOI FELL OFF!!!

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker.*

Orca: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know. 

Everyone: 

Flame: ...I did. I broke it. 

Orca: No. No you didn't. Chillin? 

Chillin: Don't look at me. Look at Ethos. 

Ethos: What?! I didn't break it. 

Chillin: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken? 

Ethos: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken. 

Chillin: Suspicious. 

Ethos: No, it's not! 

Romero: If it matters, probably not, but Nyx was the last one to use it.

Nyx: Liar! I don't even drink that crap! 

Romero: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier? 

Nyx: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Romero! 

Flame: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Orca. 

Orca: No! Who broke it!? 

Everyone: 

Romero: Orca... Fastboi's been awfully quiet. 

Fastboi: rEALLY?! 

Everyone starts arguing 

Orca, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. 

Orca: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. 

Orca: 

Orca: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

Romero: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat? 

Persephone: >:O language 

Chillin: Yeah watch your fucking language 

Ethos: OKAY WHO TAUGHT CHILLIN THE FUCK WORD? 

Orca: 'The fuck word'. 

Flame: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time. 

Chillin: Oh my god they censored it 

Orca: Say fuck, Flame. 

Chillin: Do it, Flame. Say fuck.

Chillin: I’m an idiot. 

Flame: 

Romero:

Fastboi: 

Chillin: 

Flame: If you’re waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.

Flame: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends. 

Romero: ... Your what? 

Flame: My friends. 

Chillin: Are they saying “friends”? 

Fastboi: I think they're being sarcastic. 

Taz: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Flame! All of your friends are in this room. 

Flame: I have other friends! You guys asked me to get new friends, I got new friends! It was a task. I complete tasks.

Orca: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff. 

Persephone: I witnessed the dumb stuff. 

Nyx and Ivy: I recorded the dumb stuff. 

Ethos: I joined in on the dumb stuff. 

Braincell: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!!

Flame: You kidnapped Romero? That’s illegal! Chillin: But Flame, what’s more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing Romero, or destroying our dreams? 

Flame: Kidnapping Romero, Chillin!!! 

Fastboi: Flame, listen, whatever I may think of you right now- these guys are counting on you to inspire them! 

Flame: What, to kidnap people?!?! 

Fastboi: To work together! 

Flame: TO KIDNAP PEOPLE?!?!?!?! 

Taz: Flame, we all agreed a celebrity is not a people.

Fastboi: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me? 

Flame: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it. 

Fastboi: Three of us saw it, Flame. How do you explain that? 

Flame: points at Chillin Sleep deprivation. points at Taz Paranoia. points at Romero Delusional personality disorder.

Flame: talking about Romero apperantly we are getting someone new 

Taz: Are we kidnapping them ? 

Chillin: new or used ?

'Can I copy the homework?'

Flame: I can help you with it! 

Chillin: Yeah, sure. 

Orca: Bold of you to assume I did the homework. 

Ethos: lol nope. 

Romero: Wait, we had homework?!?!?! 

Persephone: Read 5:55pm

Persephone: What did you guys get in your yearbook? 

Chillin: 'Prettiest Smile' 

Taz: 'Nicest Personality' 

Romero: 'Most likely to start a bar fight' 

Flame: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

Braincell: Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB? 

Persephone: Bold of you to assume I was born at all. 

Ethos: I personally was created in a lab. 

Orca: I just straight up spawned lol.

Braincell: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Ethos: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours. 

Persephone: I got distracted about halfway through. 

Orca: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Persephone: You lying, cheating, piece of sh*t! 

Orca: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD 

Persephone: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING ETHOS WITH ME! 

Braincell, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

Braincell: Orca isn’t answering their phone 

Ethos: I’ll call 

Braincell: Persephone and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi- 

Orca: Hello?

Persephone, setting down a card: Ace of spades 

Orca, pulling out an Uno card: +4 

Ethos, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you 

Braincell, trembling: What are we playing?

Braincell: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet. 

Orca: 

Ethos: 

Persephone: 

Everyone Else At Braincell’s Surprise Birthday Party: 

Orca: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

*Ethos is cooking*  

Everybody: This is fine. 

... 

Romero: Terrified.

Braincell: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos. 

Orca: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard. 

Ethos: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos? 

Persephone: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

Braincell, Orca, and Ethos are sitting on a bench Persephone: Why do you guys look so sad?

Braincell: Sit down with us so we can tell you. 

*Persephone sits down*

Orca: The bench is freshly painted.

Flame: Romero... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?

Romero: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.

Flame:

Flame: I wrote sanitize, Romero.

Flame: Violence isn't the answer.

Romero: You’re right.

Flame: *sighs in relief*

Chillin: Violence is the question.

Flame: What?

Romero, bolting away: And the answer is yes.

Flame, running after them: NO-

Flame: What are your goals?

Romero: To pet all the dogs.

Flame: No, fitness goals.

Romero: To be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs.

Ivy: Ethos and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's- 

Ethos: Sentences. 

Ivy: Don't interrupt me.

Ivy: I was arrested for being too cool. 

Ethos: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

Ivy: You know, not every problem can be solved with a sword.  

Nyx : That's why I carry two swords.

Ethos: We need to distract these guys 

Orca: Leave it to me

Orca: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. 

Nyx, Persephone, and Ivy: Immediately begin arguing  

Braincell, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

Ethos: Ivy... How do I begin to explain Ivy? 

Nyx: Ivy is flawless. 

Braincell: I hear their hair's insured for $10,000. 

Orca: I hear they do car commercials... in Japan. 

Persephone: One time they punched me in the face... It was awesome.

Orca: Rules are made to be broken. 

Braincell: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken. 

Nyx: Uh, piñatas. 

Persephone: Glow sticks. 

Ivy: Karate boards. 

Ethos: Spaghetti when you have a small pot. 

Orca: Rules. 

Braincell:

Ivy: Hi. 

Ethos: HELLO! 

Nyx: Greetings, Humans. 

Braincell: Three kinds of people. 

Persephone: I want pudding. 

Braincell: Four kinds of people. 

Orca: WHAT’S UP F*CKERS? 

Braincell: Five kinds of people.

Romero: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff? 

Flame: Um, murder??? 

Chillin: Adventuring! 

Taz: Tuesday.

Flame: Gasp  

Chillin: wHAT?? 

Flame: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish? 

Chillin: *inhales*

Romero, in another room with Taz: Why can I hear screeching and how can I join?

Flame, texting in the group chat: I wonder what Apple shots would look like?

Taz: *Sends a picture of of a syringe with an apple slice shoddily edited inside*

Chillin: *Sends a picture of a shot glass with an Apple poorly drawn inside*

Romero: *Sends picture of person dunking a Basketball into the hoop but replaced the basketball with a poorly resized apple*

Flame: I hate all of you.

Romero: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.

Chillin: Weight loss? Drink water.

Taz: Clear skin? Drink water.

Flame: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

*The squad is playing a team sport*

Chillin: Are you upset you don’t get to be on the same team as Flame?

Romero: Have you ever played a game with Flame?

Chillin: No…

Flame: Have you ever been trapped in a cage with a wolverine?

*Meanwhile, on the other side of the field*

Flame, chasing Taz: I SAID FASTER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD “FASTER” MEANS? IT MEANS MORE FAST!!!!

Flame: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?

Orca: *crouches down*

Ethos: *kneels down*

Chillin: *sits on the floor*

Flame:

Flame: I hate all of you.

Ethos: Do you want any chips? 

Ivy: I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR DORITOS!!!!

Nyx: Are you laughing at that video of Orca and Flame fighting over who's short or not?

Chillin: No.

Chillin: I'm laughing at the comments.

Flame: We call that a traumatic experience.

Flame, turning to Taz: Not a "bruh moment".

Flame, turning to Chillin: Not "sadge".

Flame, turning to Romero: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

Flame: What’s it like being tall?

Ethos: Is it nice?

Flame: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

Orca: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want. Also they will steal your kneecaps.

Ethos: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*

Braincell: What did you do?!

Ethos: NOBODY DIED!

Braincell: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Ethos, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK.

Romero: *eating a chicken nuggies*

Ethos: Cannibalism.

Romero: *confused and scared chewing noises*

Ethos: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*

Braincell: What did you do?!

Ethos: NOBODY DIED!

Braincell: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Chapter Text

"Is Pink Panther a lion?" Fastboi had asked.

This mere question would cause rage, chaos, and bloodshed between the family. Ethos argued that panthers are lions, tigers, jaguars, or leopards, Taz argued that a panther is a panther and a cartoon shouldn't be taken so seriously, Orca fumed silently, Flame basked in the chaos, and Nyx tried to diffuse the situation. Fastboi had accepted real information and left before the fighting could get worse. 

Then Flame tried to start another fight in KD's Castle. They almost succeeded but-

Hold up- we're just getting word of– oh no– 

The next day, Flame had actually succeeded, pinging 204 people at the very same time with KD's permission and causing another chaotic moment.

“Flame, get on top of the fridge!”

“THIS WHOLE KINGDOM IS A NIGHTMARE! ALL I DID WAS ASK A QUESTION-”

They were the very first person to be sent to baby jail, and everybody was still in chaos afterwards.

Flame tried getting the parents on their side, “ PARENTS HELP-!”

“Look at the hooligan you raised! Your child is a criminal!” Ivy sighed, frowning upon her nibling.

“Hooligan?! I got permission from KD!” Flame gasped.

“Go to jail.” Orca sighed, watching from a distance.
“PARENT ORCA, YOU TRAITOR!” Flame dramatically yelled.

Flame grabbed a video from KD giving them permission, showing her clear innocence.

“I thought you would chop vegetables and instead you stabbed me.” KD sighed, a single tear falling from their eye.
“ KD-” 

“WHEN WILL YOU LEARN YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES?” KD yelled.

It had taken a LONG time for the kingdom to calm down for what had transpired. We all had decided to take the real information, then proceeded to say that the pink panther could be trans.
Good day.