Work Text:
You're 6 the first time you see what romance is. You've just started second grade and a little boy named Kenny thinks you're pretty. When he tries to make you kiss him you cry and your teacher explains that little boys and girls will grow up to be mommies and daddies and you'll be crying about boys not wanting to kiss you in a few years. When you tell her mommy that night she calls the school and yells, but Kenny keeps trying to kiss you and the teachers call it cute.
You learn that boys are supposed to chase girls and girls are supposed to like it.
You're 8 when you see boys get to do more than you. You think dresses are lame and you'd much rather play handball than jump rope but your grandma buys two dresses for everyone one pair of jeans your mom gets you and the campus assistants tell you jump rope is more suitable for your outfit than a "boy game". When you try and join handball the older male proctor tells you a pretty girl like you needs to play hopscotch or double Dutch so you don't dirty your little dress and the boys cheer and say girls are too weak anyways. You play jump rope and sing a song about kissing snakes because the teacher told you to and you don't want anyone to think you're not a girl.
You learn that girls have to wear dresses and be weak.
You're 9 when you realize girls and boys are held to different physical standards. You're overweight and you hate shopping more than anything. Your mom tells you you're beautiful, but all your friends can shop anywhere and you only have a small a section to chose from and everything makes you look old and ugly. At school there's a boy who is also overweight and everyone thinks he's funny. They never call him heifer or fattie like they call you. He is kind of mean to everyone but he's allowed to wear tshirts and jeans and no one tells him he'll break the chair when he sits down at lunch. You start avoiding the cafeteria and start eating in the bathroom.
You learn that girls have to be skinny to be pretty and liked and boys have to be funny.
You're 12 and you're finally in middle school and you start to realize boys are noticing you. You take the bus home and your driver is 20 and likes to talk to you. He tells you that he knew your brother and he talks about his girlfriend who left him and he makes you sit in the front so you can talk. He kind of scares you but he's the authority figure so you listen to him and smile back when he waves goodbye everyday. You wear a dress one day and you've developed a lot more than the other girls in your class and he tells you you're very pretty. He's staring at your chest and you feel uneasy and you tell your friend. She tells you it's flattering, that an older boy likes you and you agree saying you didn't think of it like that. He asks for your cell number and you tell him it's broken and stop using it on the bus. When he adds you on Facebook you tell your mom and she calls the school to complain and starts picking you up from school. When the principle calls you up to ask you about the situation you tell him and he tells you that you're dressed risqué and he can understand why he's taken a notice but that he'll talk go him and make sure it doesn't happen again. The driver sees you walking to your car one day and he tells you he misses you and that you look sexy and you feel kind ashamed and you're not sure why. When school ends for the summer you're very happy and you hope you never see him again.
You learn that unwanted attention is your fault, and that you should wear tshirts if you don't want to be harassed.
You're 13 when you experience firsthand what it's like to be hit by a man. You're in your first year of high school and an 18 year old senior thinks you're cute and asks you out. You're still overweight and you think this is your only chance at love. He tell you you're beautiful and special and you think maybe it's true. But then he starts calling and texting all the time. And he wants to know who your with. He gets mad that one of your Bestfriends is a boy. Then he hits you one day when you get in a fight and you tell your Bestfriend. Suddenly all of his friends and yours know and half of them think you're lying. They say he's a nice guy and you must have misunderstood. You're 13 and scared and you agree with them because you don't know what else to do. You break up but he never quite leaves you alone that year and you never quite stop looking over your shoulder.
You learn that boys can hit you and no one will like you if you admit it.
You're 14 and depressed and you've just moved away from the only town you've ever known to live with a father you've never lived with as a "fresh" start. You get a job at a restaurant in town to keep busy because in class everyone has been friends for years and you're the outsider. You meet a guy at work, he's 19 and everyone says he's trouble but he thinks you're cute and he's the only one who treats you like a person. You think he's misunderstood and he tells you he wants to be a better person when you're around. He is always asking you to sneak out and see him because he gets bored at night (neither of you sleep well) and you're always saying no. One day at twelve AM you text him to come get you because your dad is out of town and you're homesick and young and so trusting. You think you're going to talk and maybe get some coffee from a gas station just outside of town so when he pulls over and kisses you you're surprised. You kiss back for a moment, but when he puts his hand under your shirt you stop. You keep saying no but he rapes you anyways. He tells you horrible things and drops you off at home saying thank you. You shower for three hours, until the scalding water runs cold and you lie awake all night shaking. The next night you slit your wrists and take a bottle of pills and pray to never wake up again. When you wake up in the hospital your male doctor asks you if you've ever been sexually assaulted and when you scream and cry and kick until they sedate you. When you finally go home and tell the police the male officer tells you you'd be lucky to have a guy like a girl like you let alone force himself of you, and the boy who raped you winks as he walks away from the police station Scott free. You move back home because you can't live in a town where your rapist is glorified and your mother cried when she found out, and your step dad puked.
You learn that a boy can rape you and walk away because you're not "pretty enough to be raped".
You're 16 the first time you willingly do something sexual with a boy. You're kind of fucked up and depressed and you're trying to drown your issues with drugs, alcohol, and attention. You think you love a boy, but he loves your Bestfriend and you just want to feel numb. You're at a party when a boy (who is something with your Bestfriend. You don't realize what they are until it's too late) asks you what's wrong. You tell him you're sad and he tells you he knows how to cheer you up. He has pretty eyes and a poison tongue and somehow you end up on your knees in a garage doing something you never thought you'd agree to. You're only there for about a minute before you hear voices and you guys stop and you can't understand why you feel so horrible. You tell your Bestfriend and she hates you for it and soon enough the entire school knows. A kid you've known since you were 9 calls you a whore so many times you run out of math class and no one acts like the boy you did something with did anything wrong. Everyone on your Bestfriends side thinks you're a whore and everyone on your side thinks she's a bitch and everyone forgets the other person involved. He tells you it's not his problem and you suffer through it the best you can, you messed up yeah, but you didn't do it alone.
You learn that boys who are sexually active are Hero's and girls are whores.
You're 17 the first time you hear the word Feminism and you're not sure what it is. When you look it up you see mixed things and you forget about it for a while because you have school and rehearsals and problems at home and you don't have time for social issues. A while later you hear it again and this time it actually strikes your interesting. You read article after article and realize your whole life that feeling you've never been able to explain is the feeling of being oppressed. You look back on experiences that have made you feel uncomfortable and you hurt and you realized they weren't your fault.
You learn that you don't have to accept these misdeeds are the norm and you learn you're not the only person who wants to change this. You're still young and naive and oppressed but you've just learned there is new world just belong the horizon and you can get there with some help from the people in the world who want to breathe equality in like we do oxygen.
You learn that girls don't have like being chased and that boys should respect no.
You learn that clothes do not have a gender and no amount of y chromosomes can determine the strength of a person.
You learn that women don't have to look a certain way to be beautiful.
You learn that what you wear does not give ANYONE the right to make you uncomfortable and if a teenage girls bra strap makes an adult male sexually aroused it is his fault and his fault only.
You learn that it is never okay for someone to hit you, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is wrong.
You learn that rape is never the victims fault, and no one is raped because they're pretty. They're raped because someone raped them.
You learn that someone's sexual history is no one else's business and whore is a world used to limit women's sexual freedom.
You're 19 and you're doing so much better and even though you know equality hasn't been reached yet, you're okay. You're fighting with a whole army of supporters and you know you're not alone. You understand so much more than you did for so long and you know you're not alone. You know your rights even if everyone else doesn't and you know you're going to be okay.