Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Akutagawa: You don't want Dazai to die
Akutagawa: And I don't want Dazai to die
Akutagawa: So now we gotta make sure that Dazai doesn't want Dazai to die
Atsushi: Fantastic plan but have you met Dazai?

[In prison]
Dazai: Trust me, I know what I'm doing
Sigma: Not even God knows what you're doing, Dazai

Gogol: Dear Santa
Gogol: I'm writing to let you know that I have been naughty...
Gogol: And it was worth it, you judgmental bastard

Akutagawa: Go crawl into a ditch and die
Atsushi: I hope you get hit by a bus
Dazai: *Walks into the room*
Atsushi: Aren't we the bestest of friends?
Akutagawa: Yep, the best!
Dazai: *Smiles and leaves*
Akutagawa: I'm going to push you off a cliff
Atsushi: Not if I push you off first

Hirotsu: Why are your tongues purple?
Chuuya: We had slushies. I had red
Dazai: I had blue
Hirotsu:
Kouyou: Called it

Chuuya: What's that? Off in the distance? Could it be? But it is!
Chuuya: My last fuck, disappearing over the horizon! Be free, old friend. Be free!
Mori: I literally just asked you to try and be nice to Dazai

Atsushi: Dazai-san, why are you on the floor?
Dazai: I'm depressed
Atsushi:
Dazai: Also, I was stabbed. Can you get Yosano?

Kunikida: This is really good, what tea is it?
Ranpo: I just boiled some Gatorade
Kunikida:
Kunikida: I shouldn't be surprised at this point

"If you found out that you only have one more day to live, what would you do?"
Fukuchi: I'd say goodbye and mend my friendships
Gogol: Something illegal
Sigma: Accept my fate, I guess
Fyodor: I'd message ten people saying that if they don't forward the text to ten others, I'd die tomorrow
Gogol: That's fucking awesome 

Dazai: I'm gonna need a human skull and you can't ask any questions
Fyodor: Alright, only if you don't ask any either
Fyodor: *Pulls out seven pristine human skulls*
Fyodor: Choose
Dazai:
Dazai: This one's fine

Shirase: Stop correcting me all the time!
Dazai: Then stop being wrong all the time

Dazai: Nothing ever dampens your spirit, huh Hirotsu?
Hirotsu: Your bullshit attitude is starting to

Kouyou: Everybody seems to be having a midlife crisis at sixteen
Chuuya: Since I don't know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis 

Atsushi: Come on buddy, don't pout
Kyouka: I am not your buddy
Kenji: Why not? I thought he was
Kyouka: Not anymore
Kyouka: He pulled two draw fours on me when I was about to win Uno

Chuuya: I am not having a glass of wine
Chuuya: I am having six
Tachihara:
Chuuya: It's called tasting and it's classy

Gogol: Honey? Why is my underwear in the freezer?
Sigma: You said "This is gonna confuse me so much tomorrow" 
Sigma: Apparently, drunk you plays pranks on hungover you
Gogol: That explains so much

Kouyou: Chuuya, is that a hickey?
Chuuya: N-No, it's a mosquito bite!
Dazai, deadpanning: Buzz buzz

Twain: I have sexdaily...
Alcott:
Melville: 
Steinbeck:
Poe:
Montgomery:
Twain: Sorry, I mean dyslexia

(Lovecraft is not included because "..." is his normal reaction, and neither is Fitzgerald because he is, on the contrary, incapable of shutting the fuck up)

Tanikazi: Hey Kenji, how much money do you have?
Kenji: Like, 69 cents
Tanikazi: You know what that means
Kenji, crying: I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets

Kouyou: Are you taken?
Yosano: Yeah, for granted

(MY WIFE DESERVES MORE APPRECIATION, I don't make the rules I just reinforce them)

Kyouka: There is no "I" in "Team" but there is one in "Pizza"
Atsushi: So you're not going to share?
Kyouka: I am not going to share

Yosano: Why is Kunikida putting the dishes away so loudly?
Ranpo: To let us know that no one helps out around the house

Akutagawa: Your existence is confusing
Atsushi: How so?
Akutagawa: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me

Mori: Hey Dazai, have you seen Chuuya?
Dazai: Yeah, every part of him
Mori:
Mori: Not what I meant

Chapter Text

Atsushi: So, how many cupcakes are you making?
Lucy: Until I'm not stress baking anymore
Kyouka, icing the cupcakes: So, at least seven dozens or so

[After they duel]
Mori: It's a package from Natsumu Soseki
Fukuzawa: What is it?
Mori: It's heavy...
Mori: Must be his disappointment

Q: Spiders eat their parents all the time and no one cares when they do it, so what the fuck?
Steinbeck:
Steinbeck: Did you eat your parents?
Q: How about you mind your own business 

Kouyou: Are you mad?
Chuuya: No
Kouyou: So, burning the coffee table at two in the morning is just a hobby?

[After kissing Akutagawa]
Yosano: You're not in any pain, are you?
Atsushi: I'm fine
Atsushi: I mean, I'm physically fine, but emotionally I've lost all grip on reality and I'm not sure what just happened

Kunikida: How can you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there?
Ranpo: What, is it rude? Am I supposed to share?

Kajii: What's the first thing you notice when a man approaches you?
Yosano: The audacity

Higuchi: What's your favourite colour?
Akutagawa: Stop asking stupid questions, ask me something logical and mature
Higuchi:
Gin: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP?
Akutagawa:
Akutagawa: My favourite colour is black

Atsushi: I think those poor folks are forever scarred, Dazai-san
Dazai: Then our work is done here, Atsushi-kun

Shirase: Don't be so pessimistic, it'll affect team morale
Chuuya: And what, getting us blown up won't?
Shirase: Only very, very briefly

Fukuzawa, about to leave for a business trip: Now, I just need to hear you say those three words
Ranpo: I love you?
Fukuzawa: Try again
Ranpo:
Ranpo: I will behave

Fukuzawa, to Ranpo: It's time to make daddy proud
Mori: Yes, sir
Fukuzawa: I could not have more clearly been talking to my son

Dazai: I was once arrested for being too handsome
Fyodor: The charges were dropped immediately due to no supporting evidence
Dazai: Listen here, you little bitch-

Higuchi: Why do you go to sleep so late?
Akutagawa, staring ahead blankly: There is no rest for the wicked
Higuchi:
Akutagawa:
Gin: Cat videos. He stays up late to watch cat videos

Akutagawa: What are you looking at?
Chuuya: *Taking a Buzzfeed Quiz to find out what kind of scented candle he is*
Chuuya: Porn

Dazai: Will you be the Yee to my Haw?
Chuuya: I'm begging you to stop

Kunikida: Sometimes girls turn on other girls way to easily
Yosano: My gay ass did not hear that correctly

Tachihara, high after Kajii gave him weed: Why am I not a banana?
Hirotsu, the only sober one: Because your genetic code dictates that you are a human
Tachihara:
Hirotsu: However, it should please you to know that you share 50 to 60% of your DNA with a banana
Tachihara: Thanks, Hirotsu
Kajii, also high: Are you telling me that some people are 10% more banana than other people?

Gin: My aesthetic is "Would be suspected of witchcraft by small-town citizens" 

Chuuya: Every time I yell at Dazai, I put a quarter in my "No yelling" sock and pretty soon, I'll have a weapon to beat him with

Atsushi: Wow, you're violent
Kyouka: Yeah, but I'm short, so it's adorable

Gogol: Trick or bear?
Sigma: Bear...?
Gogol: HE CHOSE THE BEAR!
Bear: *Distant roaring*
Sigma: Wait, what's the trick?
Gogol: The trick is ALSO THE BEAR!

Mori, to Dazai: We're not mad, just disappointed
Chuuya: Speak for yourself, I am fucking pissed!

Tachihara: You know the moon landing was fake, right?
Kajii, scoffing: You think the moon is real?

Elise, dressed as a princess: What are you? Where's your costume?
Q: This is my costume, I'm a homicidal maniac, they look just like everyone else
Elise: Good choice

Chapter Text

[At the start of Fifteen]
Mori: Dazai is at that very special age when a boy has only one thing on his mind
Hirotsu: Girls?
Dazai: Suicide

Ranpo: There's absolutely nothing that can dent our impenetrable bond
Yosano: I've been stealing Oreos from your secret stash
Ranpo: You're dead to me

Poe: I put a little note in your bag to tell you that I love you
Ranpo: *Opens bag*
Ranpo: *Blushes*
Ranpo: This is a ten-page letter

Ranpo: Ask me why I love you
Poe, confused: ...why do you love me?
Ranpo: *Pulls up a 200 slide PowerPoint on his laptop*
Ranpo: I'm glad you asked

Sigma: Do you have a date for Valentine's day?
Gogol: Yes, February 14th
Sigma:
Sigma: You know what, nevermind...

Akutagawa: Being gay isn't a choice
Akutagawa, grabbing Atsushi's hand like it's a trophy: It's a game and I'm winning

Yosano: I like how we say "Aw Man" when things are disappointing
Yosano: Because men are disappointing 

Mori: You need to find a hobby
Dazai: I have a hobby!
Mori: Being sad isn't a hobby

Mori: This doesn't have to be a big deal
Mori: Whoever ate my bagel, just come forward and all will be forgiven
Chuuya:
Kouyou:
Hirotsu:
Akutagawa:
Higuchi:
Tachihara:
Gin:
Mori: Smart, you knew I'd never forgive you

Dazai: Dating a gravity manipulator is all fun and games until you want to cuddle, but that bitch is sleeping upside down on the ceiling like a bat
Atsushi: You dated a gravity manipulator? 
Dazai: That's a story for another day, babes

Fukuzawa: Hey, will you get something from my back pocket for me?
Mori: What am I getting out of this?
Fukuzawa: A chance to touch my butt
Mori:
Mori: Deal

Kenji, typing: Snake bit leg what to do
Google: Elevate and apply pressure
Kenji, lifting the snake: Apologize or else

Ranpo: I need you
Poe: For?
Ranpo, getting down on one knee: Ever

Kunikida: What did you do?
Dazai: Alright, but you can't get mad at me
Kunikida: What did you do?
Dazai: Okay, first, I was minding my own business 
Kunikida, slamming his hand down on the table: BULLSHIT!
Dazai: I WAS!

Hirotsu, frantically: Why would you fill the first aid kit with Cheetos?
Tachihara, bleeding to death: Kajii and I thought it was funny at the time

(In a groupchat)
 
Atushi: Nose
Atsushi: I just typed nose with my nose
Dazai: Massive dick
Dazai: *Gets kicked from the chat permanently*

Kunikida, reading the newspaper: A man was paralyzed after eating 413 chicken nuggets
Kenji: So the limit is 412

Dazai: You are the worst human I've ever met
Fyodor: I'd be offended if I was human
Dazai:
Shibusawa:
Fyodor:
Dazai: What?
Fyodor: What?

Akutagawa: You are supposed to bang your fist up against mine
Atsushi: Why?
Akutagawa: I'm told by Chuuya-san that it is a widely accepted gesture for mutual success
Dazai: I love it when you two impersonate normal people

Kyouka: I'm done with my chores
Atsushi: You did them?
Kyouka: That's not what I said

Kenji: Hey, do you have a pencil?
Atsushi, handing him a pencil: I do
Atsushi, to himself: I didn't know he could write
Kenji: Thanks
Kenji: *Eats the pencil*
Atsushi: Oh

Dazai: I'm a wanted man
Mori: That's impossible, you weren't even a wanted child

Gogol: What's another word for murder?
Sigma: Manslaughter
Fyodor: A hobby

Tachihara: Would you date a guy that's shorter than you?
Gin: No
Tachihara: That's kinda shallow, don't you think?
Gin:
Gin: I'm gay

Dazai: Come on, you're not my babysitter
Chuuya: No, I'm not
Chuuya: Babysitters are paid for the shit they have to go through

Chapter Text

Chuuya: *Walks in wearing a medical mask*
Mori: What are you doing?
Chuuya: If Dazai breathes on me, I might get ill
Dazai: But I'm not even sick?
Chuuya: It's a simple but incurable disease called Thot

Dazai: Kunikida-kun, how is our friendship?
Kunikida: It's like counting the stars in the sky
Dazai: That means that it's infinite, right?
Kunikida: No, it's a waste of time

Yosano: Okay, that's enough. No more talking about Poe
Ranpo: But, you told me to get it out of my system
Yosano: I had no idea how much you had in your system!

Kunikida: What's a thot?
Dazai: Oh, it's a thoughtful person
(Later)
Kunikida: Thanks for helping me, Yosano-sensei, you're such a thot
Yosano, choking on her drink: I'm a WHAT?

Dazai: What can I say? I'm charming and irresponsible
Yosano: You mean irresistible?
Dazai: Nope

Kouyou: You took advice from Dazai!?
Chuuya: It's called hitting rock bottom, Ane-san!

Kenji: Wow!
Kenji: Just found out that you don't have to eat the stick in the middle of the ice cream!

Akutagawa: Perhaps I shall drink my sorrows away...
Akutagawa: *Opens a Capri-Sun*

(This is a beautiful mental image)

Tachihara: People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don't give a fuck about nobody's lives
Hirotsu: Look, if you decide to have a problem after midnight, that's between you and God 
Kajii:
Kajii: How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons?

Tachihara: Aren't you gay?
Chuuya: I like how you imply that I've done something heterosexual
Chuuya: If so, I apologize

Dazai: I just want someone to take me out
Chuuya: Like, on a date or with a sniper gun?
Dazai: Surprise me

Ranpo: WHO ATE MY COOKIES!?
Ranpo: WHOEVER IT WAS, I'M GOING TO FUCKING-
Poe: It was me-
Ranpo: -Buy you some more, are you still hungry? 
Ranpo: Because if you are maybe we could... I don't know, go out to dinner?
Yosano: *Gagging*

Dazai: Oh, come on! When have I ever put you in a dangerous situation?
Kunikida: Literally all the time!
Dazai: Then you should be USED TO IT!

Elise: If anyone ever tells you that you put too much parmesan cheese on your pasta, stop talking to them
Elise: You don't need that kind of negativity in your life

Hirotsu, to the kids (the other black lizards): All you guys talk about is top energy, bottom energy, big dick energy
Hirotsu: Bitch, I got no energy! I'm so tired!

Fukuzawa: I want you to look me straight in the eyes-
Mori: You can't have me look into those eyes and expect me to be straight
The Kids: *Gagging*

Yosano: Don't do anything I wouldn't do
Yosano: So, don't eat pears and don't talk to the cat that lives down the street, you can't trust him
Kenji: I mean, I'll try but if he talks to me first, I'm not gonna be rude

Akutagawa: Oh please, you wouldn't hurt a fly
Atsushi: You're right
Atsushi: Because a fly is an innocent, unsuspecting creature that never knowingly did anything to anyone
Akutagawa:
Atsushi:
Atsushi: You, however, I would maim

Gogol, getting a text: Oh, it's Fyodor
Sigma: Did he get me the stuff?
Gogol: Yeah, he says he got you the clown costume, the power drill and twelve gallons of blood
Sigma: Wow, where did he find twelve gallons of fake blood?
Gogol:
Gogol: You wanted fake blood?

Fukuzawa: Why is the fridge full of Girl Scout cookies?
Ranpo: You told us to go shopping

Random enemy: I will make you feel sorry you were ever born!
Dazai: For your information, I'm already sorry I was ever born

Dazai: Wake me up-
Atsushi: Before you go go
Chuuya: When September ends
Akutagawa: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

Mori: Why is your back all scratched up?
Fukuzawa: *Flashbacks to him chasing a cat after Mori told him to leave it alone*
Fukuzawa, panicking: I'm having an affair

(He wanted to pat the cat, but Mori told him "not all cats are amicable" and that he could "get scratched" and "bleed", well I'm older that you and I think I'm responsible enough to make my own choices, Mori-sensei, thank you very much)

Higuchi: Can you pass me the salt?
Kajii: Huh?
Higuchi: I need the salt
Kajii: The what?
Higuchi, gritting her teeth: The ocean cocaine
Kajii, passing her the salt: Sure

Oda: You ever want to talk about how you feel, Ango?
Ango: No
Dazai: I do!
Oda: I know, Dazai
Dazai: I think life isn't worth living!
Oda: I know, Dazai

Chapter Text

Ranpo: You're like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try
Poe: I try really hard, actually

Atsushi, to Kunikida: What does "BDSM" stand for?
Dazai, walking past their bedroom: Being Dead Sounds Magnificent 

Hirotsu: Is he always like this when he loses?
Kouyou: Oh yeah, you should have seen the Great Jenga Tantrum last week
Chuuya: You hit the table and you know it!

Dazai: I haven't slept or eaten in three days!
Mori:
Mori: That's not something to be proud of

Kyouka: Has anyone ever told you that they love you?
Atsushi: Do people from the orphanage count?
Kyouka: Yeah
Atsushi: Then no

Chuuya: You ever pre-sad? Like, you're sad but nothing's even happened yet?
Dazai: Yup, I've been told that's depression

Kouyou: You can't set all of your problems on fire!
Chuuya: You'd be surprised about how many things are flammable 

Kajii: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
Tachihara: Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna taste pretty disgusting 

Kunikida: What the fuck, Dazai?
Dazai: What?
Dazai: I've done a lot of things today that would get that reaction, please be specific 

Higuchi: Would you hurt your best friend for a million dollars?
Gin: I'd roundhouse kick Tachihara's head off for a single dorito 

Atsushi: My parents didn't raise a quitter, in fact, they didn't raise me at all

Tachihara: I'm the proud owner of an IQ of five and a half!
Kajii: Not for long
Tachihara: Please, it's all I have

Elise: Where's Chuuya? I want to start binging Harry Potter!
Mori: He'll be here soon, just wait-
Elise: I DID MY WAITING
Kouyou: Oh no-
Elise: TWELVE YEARS OF IT!
Akutagawa: You're not even twelve-
Elise: IN AZKABAN!
Mori: Every time... 

Atsushi and Akutagawa: *Sitting on the couch and watching TV*
Kyouka: *Hands Atsushi a bottle of water*
Atsushi, drinking: Thanks, but what's it for?
Kyouka, oblivious: I heard from Dazai-san that you get thirsty around Akutagawa
Atsushi: *Chokes on the water*

Kenji: I'm sort of a chicken magnet
Tanikazi: Don't you mean a chick magn-
Chickens: *Enraged squawking in the near distance*
Kenji, very calmly: We have to leave now 

Dazai: Morning, Yosano, what are you drinking?
Yosano: Water
Dazai: Really? It doesn't smell like water
Yosano: It's... imported water
Dazai: Uh-huh, imported from where?
Yosano:
Yosano: Russia
Dazai: Are you drinking vodka at nine in the morning during work hours?
Yosano: It's nine-thirty
Dazai:
Dazai: Give me some and I won't tell Kunikida
Yosano: Deal

Dazai: I woke up
Atsushi: Umm... good job?
Dazai: Thanks, I'm done for today

Mark: What if "It's Raining Men" and "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" are both about the same event but from different perspectives?
Lucy: Please, I'm literally begging you to stop
Poe, taking notes: No, let him finish

Alcott: What do we say when we get anxious?
Poe: I don't know
Twain: My anxiety is chronic, but my ass is iconic
Alcott: 
Twain:
Poe:
Alcott:
Poe: Well- it's not like I have better ideas

Ranpo: What do you guys say when you answer the phone?
Kunikida: Who is calling?
Naomi: What's up?
Dazai: Would you be willing to join me in a double suicide?
Kyouka: No, she's dead, this is her daughter. Demon Snow, stop threatening that cat.

Akutagawa: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?
Kouyou: Rude
Tachihara: That's fair
Higuchi: Not again
Kajii: Are you gonna want this back?
Gin: Thanks, want me to return the favour?

Dazai: Hey, do you know the password to Chuuya's computer?
Hirotsu: Fuck you, Stupid Suicide Maniac
Dazai: Hey!
Hirotsu: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyoustupidsuicidemaniac"
Dazai: Oh, no numbers? That's not very safe

Kyouka: If you need me, I'm available 24/6
Naomi: Don't you mean 24/7?
Kyouka: No, Saturdays are my eating-crêpes-with-Atsushi days

The Port Mafia: *Trying to eat dinner in peace*
Chuuya, pointing to Akutagawa: He fucked a tiger
Akutagawa, slamming his hands down on the table: I DID NOT!

Mori: How are you ever going to marry a nice boy like Dazai, huh?
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Which one is it boss, marry a nice boy or someone like Dazai?

Chapter Text

Akutagawa: I'm not afraid of ghosts
Higuchi and Gin: That's because ghosts are afraid of you
 

Kunikida: Yeah, I listen to underground music! Ever heard of The Beatles?
Kyouka: Only two of them are underground
Kunikida: Child-

Akutagawa: Getting a piercing is just a socially acceptable form of self-harm
Higuchi:
Higuchi: Do you need another therapy appointment?

Akutagawa, when Dazai says that he has to work with Atsushi again: I was prepared for trouble, but not for this

[After he was "killed"]
Akutagawa: Not funny, didn't live, laugh or love

Lovecraft, at 3 am: If I eated soap. I don't eat it because I did. No, I didn't

Dazai: Trauma? Did you mean the reason I'm fucking hilarious?

Dazai: Celebrate the New Year!
Ango: It's February
Oda: It's March?
Ango:
Ango: I haven't slept since 2009

Dazai: Are you implying that I occasionally stray from the handbook?
Kunikida: I'm implying that you don't own a copy of the handbook, and if you do, you've certainly never opened it
Dazai:
Dazai: Fair point

Ranpo: Okay, yeah, I LOVE Poe! I have loving feelings for Poe. But does that mean I'm IN love with him? No-
Ranpo:
Ranpo: Oh my God, I'm in love with Poe...
Ranpo, to Yosano and Dazai: Why didn't you guys tell me?!
Yosano: We thought you knew

(I love the idea of super smart detective Ranpo being obvious to his own feelings)

Kidnapper: We have your kid
Kouyou: I don't have a kid?
Kidnapper: Then who's the kid who single-handledly beat up one of us while telling us that he's murdered a lot of losers like us before?
Kouyou: Oh my God, you have Chuuya...

Kajii: Men are stupid
Yosano: *Seething with rage*
Kouyou: Why are you so angry?
Yosano: I want to disagree with Kajii at all times, but he's right

Q: My body screams "Vegetables" but my heart screams "Ice Cream"
Elise: What does your brain say?
Q: It just screams

Lucy: I need you to teach me how to become ten times more intimidating than I am
Kyouka: Ten times zero is still zero, Lucy

Gogol: If you have bones, that will change

Fyodor: Ah, today is a good day
Survivor: You killed everyone!
Fyodor: Even better

Ranpo, on Twitter: Not to get political on main, but what the FUCK is oat milk?

Ranpo: Hello people who do not live here
Dazai: Hey!
Yosano: Hey
Atsushi: Hello!
Kyouka: Hi
Kenji: Hey!
Poe: We gave you a key for emergencies
Kyouka: We were out of Doritos

(Yes they live together)

Kunikida: Can someone explain to me why there is a cow in the living room?
Kenji: I wanted some milk, but we ran out so of couse I bought a cow

Akutagawa: You never said you did cocaine!
Kajii: Bitch, I don't!
Kajii: I just like to smell it

Minoura: Can I ask you a question?
Ranpo: You just did
Minoura: Okay, can I ask you two?
Ranpo: You already did
Minoura: Okay, can I ask four questions?
Ranpo: You just did again
Minoura: When?
Ranpo: Now

Higuchi: I have a problem
Gin and Tachihara, at the same time: Kill it
Higuchi: Can you two chill for one second?

Kajii: If you were my wife, I'd put poison in your coffee
Yosano: If you were my husband, I'd drink it

[In prison]
Fyodor: *Says literally anything*
Dazai: That sounds kinda hot
Ango, reading his heartbeats: Day one of self-isolation: Dazai's horny levels have risen

Kunikida: You really think that this will work?
Dazai: No, not at all
Atsushi: Then why the hell are we doing it?!
Dazai: It sounded fun
Kyouka: We're all gonna die

Chapter Text

Ranpo: I give up. I am so tired and bored.
Dazai: Get the emergency supply!
Yosano: *carries Poe and places him in front of Ranpo*
Poe: *Smiles shily*
Ranpo: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO
 

Higuchi, internally: I wonder what Akutagawa-senpai is thinking about! He’s so cool and mysterious...
Akutagawa's brain: [wii music]
 

Kajii: Hear me out
Tachihra: Yeah?
Kajii: The opposite of Microsoft Office is Macrohard Onfire
Tachihara:
Kajii: Think about it
Tachihara: *Having an existential crisis*

Akutagawa: Congratulations on your face.
Atsushi: ...What?
Kyouka, whispering to Atsushi: I think he’s trying to flirt with you.

Dazai: Wait you like me? For my personality?
Chuuya: I know, I was surprised too.
 

Kunikida: Could you be anymore annoying?
Dazai: Yes.

 
Dazai: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing.
Akutagawa: But ya' didn't!

Atsushi, skipping rocks on a lake with Akutagawa: It’s such a beautiful evening.
Akutagawa: Yeah, it is.
Akutagawa, whispering: Take that you fucking lake.

Fukuzawa: All my sons' snacks are organic!
Fyodor: Cool, my kids eat potatoes off the ground.

Hirotsu: We need a distraction. Are any of you good at jumping up and down and making annoying noises?
Kajii: My time has come.

Ranpo: Imagine if Yosano no longer talked in Tumblr lingo.
Yosano: Unrealistic. Blocked.

Yosano: How far have you gone with a guy?
Ranpo: I went to Canada with my dad once

Gin: Four hours is the most I've ever spent alone with any person. It was the worst experience of my life.
Tachihara: What about that time we did that road trip together? That was four hours.
Gin:
Tachihara: Oh, I see what just happened.

Twain: I can't go. Stress is bad for the baby.
Steinbeck: What baby?
Twain: Me.

Gogol: *Hits hand on table*
Gogol: Ow! My armkle!
Fukuchi: Your what?
Sigma: *Sighing* His wrist.

Fukuzawa: Mori and I are having a baby.
Ranpo: That's gre-
Fukuzawa, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

(I have a few ideas about how he got Mori to agree to adopt Ranpo but I'm not going to share them)

Ranpo: Dad, I’m gay
Fukuzawa, channeling his inner viner: I thought you were Japanese?

Lovecraft: Steinbeck?
Steinbeck: Yeah?
Lovecraft: What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?
Steinbeck:
Steinbeck: ...What.

Dazai: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.
Chuuya: How the FUCK did you break into my apartment?
 

Ace with a gun to Fyodor's head: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven?
Fyodor: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.
 

Melville: Why are you on fire?
Alcott: This is just how my day is going.

Sigma: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...
Gogol: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card?
Sigma: Holy-
 

Kajii: Can I have your number?
Yosano, visible texting: I don't have a phone.
 

Atsushi: You remind me of the ocean.
Lucy: How?
Atsushi: Salty af

Tachihara: I'm just out here having a picnic with my bestie Kajii.
Kajii: *after snorting through a straw* We need more coke.
Tachihara: We packed Pepsi.

Chapter Text

Poe: *Flirts*
Ranpo: *Flirts back*
Poe, thinking to himself: I was not expecting this outcome. What the fuck do I do now?

Higuchi: If I say I love you, will you say it back?
Akutagawa: Yes.
Higuchi: I love you.
Akutagawa: It back.
[Later]
Gin: Hey Ryuu, why is Higuchi crying face-down on the floor?

Kouyou: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on here?!
Higuchi: It's kind of complicated, but Kajii-
Kouyou: Got it. Forget I asked.

 
Hirotsu: Alright, now everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute.
Gin: Why?
Tachihara: Are you in a hurry?
Hirotsu: No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

Atsushi: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Kunikida: Several traffic violations.
Dazai: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Ranpo: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Yosano: Also, that’s not our car.

Haruno: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Kenji will and will not eat.
Tanikazi: Grass? Yes!
Naomi: Moss? Yes!!
Haruno: Leaves? Ohh, yes!
Naomi: Shoelaces? Strange but true!
Tanikazi: Worms? Sometimes!
Haruno: Rocks? Usually nah.
Tanikazi: Twigs? Usually!
Naomi: Kunikida's cooking? Inconclusive!
Yosano: How did you… test this?
Naomi: You just hand him stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if he eats it, he eats it.
Yosano: ... I don’t know how to feel about this.
Kunikida: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Atsushi: HELP! I TOLD RYUU I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK!
Kyouka, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

Hirotsu, driving Dazai and Chuuya: So how was your day?
Dazai: We almost got surprise adopted!
Hirotsu: What?
Chuuya: We almost got kidnapped.
Hirotsu: Oh, okay.
Hirotsu: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!
 
 
Dazai: You have to apologize to Atsushi
Akutagawa: Fine.
Akutagawa: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.
 

Fukuzawa: Ougai and I have this kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other’s-
Mori: -Sentences.
Fukuzawa: Please don’t interrupt me.

Fukuzawa: My policy is if you see something, say something.
Ranpo: I saw a frog on the sidewalk today.
Fukuzawa: Outstanding. This is what I'm talking about people.

Poe: It’s so frustrating
Ranpo: What is?
Poe: How Steinbeck keeps dropping such obvious hints that he’s into Lovecraft and he’s completely oblivious.
Ranpo, wearing a “Please date me Poe” shirt: Haha yeah

Kouyou: I need you to swear
Chuuya: FUCK!
Kouyou: ...Swear as in "promise"

Kouyou: Would you like coffee or tea?
Mori: Coffee.
Kouyou: Wrong, it's tea.

Demon: [looking inside of Fyodor's soul] dude no offense but it's kind of like a nightmare in here
Fyodor: Haha yeah
Demon: How are all of your thoughts in comic sans?

Karma, about Ace: he died as he lived: a dumbass jerk

Mori: Do you value your employees? You should.
Mori: Kouyou - six dollars
Mori: Hirotsu - two dollars
Mori: Ace - negative seven dollars
Mori: Akutagawa - four dollars
Mori: Chuuya - five dollars
Fukuzawa: All my employees are priceless!
Mori: Yeah, well mine are worth ten dollars collectively

(I KNOW, it would work better with Fitzgerald, but think of the implications: if his subordinates had a monetary value, he would use his power and kill them with zero hesitation)

Atsushi: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Kyouka: No...
Kyouka: *Imagines a bunny with a tiny stethoscope*
Kyouka: ... But I want to.

Akutagawa’s first hour watching baking shows: Wow, these people are quite good
Akutagawa, on his 23rd hour in a row: Idc how good her fondant is, if Kathy doesn't add more buttercream to that mixture her consistency is going to be all off
Gin, trying to sleep: Ryuu you have never baked in your ENTIRE LIFE

Kajii, with a big, red mark on his face: You guys can't still see where the ADA doctor slapped me, can you ?
Hirotsu: Your face looks like a "Don't Walk" signal.
Gin: Your face looks like a photo negative of the Hamburger Helper box.
Higuchi: A palm reader could tell Yosano's future by looking at your face.
Tachihara: The phrase, "Talk to the hand 'cuz the face ain't listening" doesn't work for you, because the hand is your face.
Kajii: ...
Kajii: A simple "Yes" would have sufficed.

Akutagawa: Valentine's Day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart-shaped chocolates and posting-
Atsushi: I wrote you a song.
Akutagawa: *Already crying*

Gogol, sleep deprived, putting honey in his tea: Hell yeah, get in that leaf juice, you sexy, sexy bee sauce
Sigma: Do you take constructive criticism
Gogol: I absolutely fucking do not

Dazai: So here's the tea—
Kunikida: For the last time, it’s called a “mission report”.
Dazai: Do you want the tea or not?

Chuuya: I hope you get ran over.
Dazai: Hoping is all well and good, but ultimately, it gets you nowhere. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Get in your tacky carriage and run me the fuck down instead of waiting for others to do your work for you, you coward. C’mon you lazy fuck, you might actually have to lift a finger for once in your life.

[After Kouyou and Chuuya had a "talk", because Kouyou is recovering from the fifth headache of the week after the last screaming match between skk]
Chuuya, following Kouyou's "suggestion" (read: order): Look, we're partners so let's make peace. What do you say we change the tone a bit and both say something nice about each other? I'll go first. Look at you. There's no way around it, you're a beautiful man.
Dazai: Thank you.
Chuuya: Now it's your turn.
Dazai: I never agreed to that.
Chuuya: You beautiful son of a bitch

Chapter Text

Atsushi: Akutagawa, I sense hostility.
Akutagawa: Good, because I hate you.

Dazai: Is stabbing someone immoral?
Yosano: Not if they consent to it.
Ranpo: Depends who you’re stabbing.
Kunikida: YES?!?
 

Kunikida: We’re adults.
Yosano: When did that happen?
Ranpo: And how do we make it stop?

Tachihara: Who are you?
Tanikazi: I'm you, but incestuous

 
Fyodor: Most men don't like when you lie to them, exept for me, but I'm wired to thrive on disfunction

Death: Your time has come, Edogawa Ranpo. I’m here to take-
Ranpo: Hold on, I need to ask Yosano.
Death: This isn’t a choice–
Ranpo: She said no.
Death: Damn.

Kouyou: Young girls shouldn't fight with swords.
Yosano: Use spears! They have longer reach for short people and so they're easier to use!
Kouyou: Stab out their eyes!

Atsushi: I'm in a good place right now.
Atsushi: Not emotionally. Just hanging out with Kyouka, lmao

Hirotsu: Dazai, why is there a portrait of Chuuya?
Dazai: Oh you found my drawing! I’m thinking of naming it ‘angry small man.’ Look at how I used my brush strokes with the green in the background!
Hirotsu:
Hirotsu: Why are you like this

Atsushi: I think I screwed up.
Dazai: That's okay, we all make mistakes.
Akutagawa: I think I screwed up.
Dazai: That's because you're fucking stupid.

Atsushi, lying down with his head on Akutagawa's lap: Tell me I'm pretty.
Akutagawa, gently running his hand through Atsushi's hair: You're pretty annoying is what you are.

Mori: Please, keep an eye on Dazai today. He's gonna say something to the wrong person and get himself punched.
Chuuya: Sure, I'd love to see Dazai get punched.
Mori: Try again.
Chuuya: I'm gonna punch Dazai?
Mori: No, Nakahara Chuuya-kun.

Higuchi: If we're going to be working together, we should bond. So what do you guys like to do?
Kajii: Explosions are pretty fun.
Tachihara: I like stomping on people. And high heels. I like stomping on people with high heels.
Gin: I enjoy near death experiences.
Hirotsu: I like being the only sane one in the group I'm in.
Higuchi: We're all going to get along so well.

“Sometimes brb stands for ‘be ready bitch’ so be careful.”
—Naomi, explaining texting lingo to Fukuzawa.

Kunikida: You're ignoring all your problems.
Dazai: Yeah, I know.
Kunikida: You know that's an unhealthy coping mecanism, right?
Dazai: Yes, I'm ignoring that as well.

Dazai: What are you drinking?
Chuuya: Soy milk
Dazai: Hola, soy Osamu
Chuuya:
Kouyou, narrating: Nobody knew what happened to Dazai's face or who punched it

Chuuya: FIGHT ME
Dazai: Unfortunately, I have a rule against fighting TINY CHILDREN.
Fyodor, pulling out a gun: I don't.

Mori: It's funny how you two are such good friends. Didn't he hate you at first?
Elise: Q hates everybody at first. It's his way of reaching out to people.

Steinbeck: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.
Steinbeck, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.

[Three kids with Kunikida]
Atsushi, Kyouka, Kenji: McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!
Kunikida: We have food at home...
Three kids: Aww :( :( :(

[Three kids with Yosano]
Atsushi, Kyouka, Kenji: McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!
Yosano: *Rolls down window*
Three kids: *Cheering*
Yosano: One black coffee please

[Three kids with Ranpo]
Atsushi, Kyouka, Kenji: McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!
Ranpo: McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!

Kouyou: Dinner’s ready! Come out!
Chuuya: I’m gay!
Kouyou: Not what I meant but I already knew and I support you!

Dazai: You know you love me.
Chuuya: I’d sell you to Satan for a bucket of KFC. Don’t fucking test me.
 

Kajii: Guys I almost choked to death last night
Dazai: You’ll be fine. Next time you just have to stay still breathe through your nose before you take more
Kajii: ...I was talking about choking on food...what are you talking about...?
Dazai: ...I was talking about choking on ...stuff in general.
Kouyou, not looking up from her book: Chuuya is ‘stuff in general.’
Chuuya: *Blushes furiously*
Kajii: I was just given dick sucking advice hold on let me process this
 
 
Akutagawa: Shut up, Jinko.
Atsushi: You know what? I've had enough. If you want me to shut up that bad, why don't you kiss me?
Akutagawa: *Blushing*
Atsushi: You're not brave anymore, huh, tough guy?
Akutagawa: *Kisses him*
Atsushi, after being thoroughly kissed: ....oH-

[in an argument]
Chuuya: Fuck you!
Dazai: Later, now listen here you lil shit-

Chapter Text

Atsushi: Can you do me a favor?
Akutagawa: I would literally cover up a murder you committed, plant my DNA at the crime scene, and take the blame for you.
Atsushi: Cool. Can you do the dishes?
Akutagawa: No.
 

Fyodor: Would you like something to drink?
Gogol, opening the fridge: We've got water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-
Sigma: Spiders?
Fyodor: Spiders it is, then
Sigma: No, that wasn't-
Gogol: *Pours a glass of spiders*
Sigma: Oh God, why are there so many spiders-
Sigma: *Screams*

Atsushi: Is that a dead body?
Akutagawa:
Akutagawa: Maybe
Atsushi: It is, I can see it, it's right in front of me
Akutagawa: I promise I'll clean it up before dinner!

 
Lucy: So, apparently the bad vibes I've been feeling are actually just symptoms of my depression and anxiety 

Yosano: Gentle reminder
Yosano: Don't eat too much candy before you go to bed
Ranpo: No
Yosano: This was supposed to be a gentle reminder, yet your words of defiance bring me ungodly amounts of rage

Katai: People treat me like a god
Atsushi: How so?
Katai, staring at Kunikida: They ignore my existence unless they need something from me

Kunikida: You shouldn’t be using a straw.
Dazai: Yeah yeah, it’s bad for the environment, whatever.
Kunikida: No, it’s just a weird way to eat lasagna.

Q: Are you crying?
Elise: Yes, but it was just the onions.
Q, looking at the onions: What the fuck did you say to Elise?

Poe: Ugh everyone's looking so hot and then there's me looking like a potato
Ranpo:
Ranpo: It's okay if you're a potato. I really like potatoes
Poe: T-thank you Ranpo-kun

Mori: Can you pass the salt?
Yosano: Can you pass away?
Mori: Too much salt.

Atsushi: Are you this rude to everyone?!
Akutagawa: Yup.
Akutagawa: Don't think you're special.

Mori: Dazai, is that a tattoo?
Dazai: Don't worry boss, it's fake.
Chuuya: Aww, you got a tattoo to match your personality!

Chuuya: MOTHERF—
Mori: Father!
Mori, pointing to Elise: Now you!
Elise: Brother.
Elise: I love word association games.

Lucy: The world truly is a terrible place. Life on earth is just a series of disappointments. You can't trust anyone without exposing yourself to a endless stream of betrayal. The human nature is wicked, and...
Lucy: ...
Lucy: Nevermind he texted back.

Fyodor: Dazai, I'm your "friend", so I have to be honest with you
Fyodor: I don't care about your problems.

Steinbeck, thinking: I wonder what he's thinking?
Lovecraft, thinking: Man, I hate milkshakes. Die, milkshake, die! That's right, milkshake, you have been defeated! Now you go to milkshake prison!

Kajii: The Hardcore way to eat ramen -1. Boil water. 2. Eat block of ramen. 3. Drink boiled water, 4. Snort flavoured powder, 5. Fuck bitches.

“I do not exist to be viewed, be sexy, or desired; I am but a vessel for pasta, and that is valid.”
-Lucy Montgomery

Gogol: I have one brain cell and it bounces around in my skull like a windows screen saver.
Gogol: When it hits the exact corner I can experience A Thought

Chuuya: Why do you always let me win the race up the climbing stairs? You're faster than me.
Dazai: I like seeing you smile when you win.
Chuuya, to Kouyou: He's staring at my ass.
Kouyou: Yeah, he's staring at your ass.

“I keep my friends close and my enemies dead.”
-Ougai Mori

Lucy: Were you dropped as a baby?
Atsushi: Bold of you to assume I was held.

(I imagine this taking place before they bonded talking about their orphanage experiences with each other)

Tanikazi: What do you consider “going to sleep late”?
Kunikida: 11:00
Tanikazi: What about you Dazai?
Dazai, confused: Going to sleep?

Hirotsu: Everyday I convince myself that humans are intelligent life forms
Hirotsu: *Looks over to where Higuchi and Kajii are trying to joust, with Gin and Tachihara as their horses*
Hirotsu: [watches as they all collide face first with the opposite party]
Hirotsu: Each day I am proven wrong

Chuuya: Words cannot describe how beautiful you are.
Dazai: Aww, you-
Chuuya: But numbers can. 2/10.

Chapter Text

Kunikida: Where is Kenji?
Naomi, remembering that Kenji got his head stuck in a tuba after Kunikida told him to leave it alone, and that she's supposed to cover for Kyouka and her brother as they work together to get Kenji's head unstuck from the tuba: ...who's Kenji?

Mori: This isn't your assignment.
Dazai: Wait it's not?
Mori: No, this is a list of ABBA songs, in order of how gay they make you feel.
Dazai: That wasn't the assignment!?
Mori: Oh it super wasn’t. This was supposed to be a yearly report, but more importantly, the fact that you don’t have Waterloo as your number one is frankly insulting.

Alcott: Sorry it took me so long to get here. I broke down on the way here.
Fitzgerald: Oh, is your car okay?
Alcott: Car?
Fitzgerald:
Alcott:

Twain, with his leg stuck in a chair: Now, may be asking, “How did you do this to yourself, Mark?”
Twain: Well kids, Mark has no fucking idea.

Ranpo: Bro you better shut the fuck up before I look at you and feel warm and realize I've fallen in love with you bro
Poe: I-
Ranpo: I'm serious quit it bro

Dazai: Chuuya sometimes talks in his sleep. It's... adorable.
Chuuya, sleeping: Fight me... you motherfucker... square up... I think the fuck not...

Lovecraft: *Gets down on one knee*
Steinbeck: Oh my god, it’s happening!
Lovecraft: *Ties shoelaces*
Steinbeck, crying: He finally learnt how to tie his shoes on his own!

Katai: People often tell me, “Katai, I don’t like you.”
Katai: This is how I always reply,
Katai: *Heavy sobbing*

Dazai: I may be trash but I’m good trash. Premium trash. Grade A. The kind of trash your mom looks at and goes,
Dazai: “Should this be recycling?”
Dazai: Yeah, I’m that trash.

Dazai: We have fun, don’t we Kunikida-kun?
Kunikida: I’ve never been more stressed out in my entire life.

Higuchi: You know, not every problem can be solved with a gun, right?
Tachihara, nodding: Mhm! That’s why I carry two guns!
Gin: It's not what she meant, stupid! You're right, Higuchi, sometimes only a knife will do-

Fitzgerald: People focus way too much on outer beauty, you wanna know what really matters?
Fitzgerald: How much money you have.

Ranpo: Poe, my love, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Poe: Can I have one of your candies?
Ranpo: Know your limits

Tachihara, admiring Gin from a distance: she could end my life anytime and I’d thank her
Teruko: We'd thank her too

Shibusawa: I can't believe you're going back to Russia. What if I have a bitchy opinon or comment?
Fyodor: Just whisper it into the wind
Fyodor: And if it's juicy enough, I will hear it.

Chuuya: I feel like slapping the biggest bitch in the Port Mafia.
Dazai: Wow chibi, self-abuse isn't funny.

Akutagawa: How the fuck do you keep finding me!?
Gin: It’s actually pretty easy. Just follow all that drama, anger, and angst, and behold. I find you.

Kajii: Guys! I have this crazy idea!
Higuchi: Get him!
Gin: I brought the ropes.
Hirotsu: Tachihara. Toss him to me.
Tachihara: Got him!
Higuchi: And done!
Gin: Good work team.
Kajii: ...I hate you guys.

Tachihara: C’mon Higuchi! It’ll be fun!
Higuchi: I do not think-
Kajii: It’ll be so much fun! You’ve gotta join us!
Higuchi: But-
Hirotsu: It would be nice if another sane person joined us.
Higuchi, sighing: Alright. Fine.

Gin: Nice job you idiots. You’ve gotten us kicked out of yet another Target.
Tachihara: Don’t blame me. Blame Kajii.
Kajii: Heck yeah! It was all me this time!
Hirotsu: What have I gotten myself into?

Naomi: How long does your ideal hug last?
Kenji: Thirty to forty-five minutes
Tanikazi: That seems really impractical
Kenji: You did say ideal, not realistic

Chuuya: Akutagawa, relax. Go get a bottle of vine.
Akutagawa: I don't want vine
Chuuya: Who said it was for you?

Kunikida: You can’t live off of that stuff.
Ranpo, eating from a party size package of Oreos: You don’t know that.

Hirotsu: You have to pick your battles
Kouyou: One of the battles that we picked was to stop Kyouka, Kajii, and Tachihara from running plastic tubes all over the Port Mafia's safehouse n°27 and placing hamsters inside of them.
Hirotsu: They were gonna call it Tube City.

[Chuuya and Dazai, being chased by an angry mob]
Chuuya: *Covered in blood and panting*
Chuuya: Okay, this may come as a shock to you but people don't like to be lied to.
Dazai: Wrong. They don't like finding out they've been lied to. Because a lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

Chapter Text

Dazai: Oda, how do I get revenge on my enemies?
Oda: The best revenge is letting go and living a fulfilling life.
Dazai:
Dazai: Chuuya, how do I get revenge-
Chuuya: Knife.

Q: Can we have a birthday cake?
Elise: But it's neither of our birthdays.
Q: The cake doesn't need to know that.
Elise: Good point. Come on, let's go grab a car.

Higuchi: I wonder if a serial killer has ever crossed my path, contemplated killing me on the spot, then decided not to.
Gin:
Gin: About that...

Kouyou: Love, can you turn on the light? 
Yosano: I don't have to. You're the light of my life.
Kouyou: That's cute, honey, but I can't see.

Chuuya: exCUSE ME BUT I AM AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT!
Dazai, reading a book: *Snorts*

Kajii: How did you find me?
Hirotsu: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered, "Now, who could that be?".

Dazai: You okay, kid?
Atsushi, laying face down on the floor: I'm depressed
Dazai: Damn, me too
Dazai: No, wait, hi depressed, I'm Dazai
Dazai: No, no, wait, what's wrong?

Higuchi: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan
Everyone: *Looks at Kajii*
Kajii: We attack them with hummus
Higuchi: I stand corrected
Kajii: Just keeping things in perspective

Kenji: 911, what's your emergency?
Kenji: What do you mean 'you're getting murdered'?
Kenji: That's illegal, people can't do that.

Dazai: Guns can kill. Knives can kill
Dazai, holding Q: Even small children, launched at great speed, could kill
Mori: Put him down, Dazai-kun
Q: That's why I fucking hate your guts, Dazai

Chuuya: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.
Dazai: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.

Higuchi: I’m sorry to tell you this but you do actually have a heart and the capacity to feel
Akutagawa siblings: You take that back right now

Fyodor: My horoscope app sent me a notification that just said "Don't lie"

Ranpo: Love is dead and never existed. All you did was betray me as I lay sick and festering. You are the definition of dread
Fukuzawa: Are you okay?
Ranpo: Yosano stole my fucking garlic bread

Akutagawa: I'm playing hide and seek with my feelings

Gin: Fuck lemons, they're sour and stupid
Kajii, offended: Just like you!
Gin:
Gin: *Shows her knives*

Tanikazi: Ever since Naomi learned about stan language, she's been going around talking as if she's on Twitter
Naomi: Oof, the callout! The tea is scorching today, sis!
Kunikida, almost in tears: Please make it stop

Akutagawa, in denial: I don't have a crush, what, you expect my stone-cold heart to be able to love?
Gin: I get that you have an emo reputation to keep, but shut up

Gin: Look, I don't know how to make you feel better if you start crying, but I could murder someone if that would help?

Dazai: You can trust me! Let's not forget the person who dragged you out of a river that one time
Chuuya: Let's not forget who pushed me in

Kyouka: I've got one foot in the darkness and the other one in a hello kitty roller skate

Katai: The passage of time simply does not vibe with me, rip to other people, but I don't know what day it is
Katai: I will watch a ten-minute video and suddenly, it's October

Atsushi: I just saw Kunikida-san sitting at his desk crying for five or so minutes and then his phone alarm went of and he just? Stopped crying? And went right on back to work
Kunikida: It's called time management

(Literally what happened in one of the last chapters. When I'll find the number I'll edit it)

Poe: I'm very laid back. I only care about two things. 1) Every person on this earth and their opinion of me and 2) The crushing psychological weight of being alive

Dazai: What is this feeling, so sudden and new?
Chuuya: I felt the moment I laid eyes on you.
Dazai: My pulse is rushing.
Chuuya: My head is reeling.
Dazai: My face is flushing?
Both: What is this feeling? Fervid as a flame. Does it have a name? Yes....
Both: Loathing. Unadulterated loathing.

Chapter Text

Kyouka: I haven't eaten anything since eleven, I'm starving.
Haruno: Damn, and how old are you now?

Gin, reading aloud a post: "I don't know who needs to hear this, but take your iron pills, you anemic bitch"
Gin: *Looks at Akutagawa*

Tachihara: There's a rumor going around that you're gay
Chuuya: A RUMOR?! Are you telling me that some people are doubting it?!?!

[Before a mission with Dazai]
Mori: I'm going to ask you to be respectful.
Chuuya: I will politely decline.

Fitzgerald: Listen, I can explain...
Alcott: You’re making $500,000 and you’re only gonna pay me $30,000?
Steinbeck: You’re getting 30 grand? I’m getting $1,000!
Lovecraft: You guys are getting paid?

Someone: Do you take constructive criticism?
Poe, already crying: Yeah, what's wrong?

Fukuzawa: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!
Mori: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD
Fukuzawa: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING DAZAI WITH ME
Soseki, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

Q, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
Elise, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids
Chuuya: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Q: Playing systemic oppression

Tachihara: If Kajii and I were drowning, who would you save?
Gin: You two can’t swim?
Tachihara: It’s a hypothetical question, Gin! Who would you save?
Gin: My time and effort.

Twain: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness. Next time you’re working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. You can do it. I believe in you.
Poe: There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t-

Tachihara: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?
Chuuya: I'm a knife.
Dazai, from across the room: He's the little spoon.

Tachihara: I can’t believe you live nearby, and you won’t let anyone crash at your place.
Gin: You people already know too much about me.
Tachihara: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

Dazai: Fyodor, my old arch enemy.
Chuuya: ... I thought I was your arch enemy?
Dazai: I have a life outside of you, Chuuya.

Atsushi: Um, Dazai-san, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family?
Dazai: We need money!
Atsushi: You're scamming him?
Dazai: I was thinking more like flat-out stealing from him?
Atsushi: What?! No way!
Dazai: Why not? We already stole Kyouka!
Kyouka: Hey guys
Atsushi: No, we didn't. Kyouka can think and talk for herself, she can do whatever she wants!
Kyouka: I wanna steal

Yuan: If you had to choose between Dazai and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?
Chuuya: That depends, how much money are we taking about?
Dazai: Chuuya!
Yuan: 63 cents.
Chuuya: I'll take the money.
Dazai: CHUUYA!!!

Kunikida: I trust Kenji.
Atsushi: You think he knows what he's doing?
Kunikida: I wouldn't go that far.

Fukuchi: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?
Stoker: How am I supposed to know?
Fukuchi: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.
Stoker: *Sighs*
Stoker: You wouldn't be trapped.

Melville: Would you stab your best friend in the leg for 10 million in gold?
Fitzgerald, to Alcott: You stab me, and then when my leg gets better, we buy a big-ass house.
Alcott:
Twain: You can stab me too, then we'll have 20 million.
Fitzgerald: Good thinking.
Alcott: What the fuck-

Kunikida: For the last time, 'your' and 'you're' are different things! 'Your' is a possessive, and 'you're' is a contraction of 'you are'.
Dazai: My fire.
Yosano: The one desire.
Ranpo: Believe when I say.
Dazai, Yosano and Ranpo, in a three part harmony: I WANT IT THAT WAY!

Dazai: You know, Fyodor. You can be really fucking annoying-
Fyodor: ...but?
Dazai, smiling: No. That's it.

[The plot of Dead Apple]
-So I have made the decision to trust you.
-A horrible decision, really.

(I won't put the names of the characters because it works with too many of them)

"There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English Language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair."
-Dazai to Fyodor

Yosano: I've had a great day today!
Ranpo: Why?
Yosano: I ran into Mori...
Kunikida: Why was that so good?
Yosano: ....with my car

Hirotsu: Who's turn is it to give the pep talk?
Gin, sighing: It's Tachihara's turn.
Tachihara: Fuck shit up out there but don't die.
Kajii, wiping a tear away: Inspirational

Chuuya and Elise: *Accidentally set the kitchen on fire*
Chuuya: FUCK WE NEED AN ADULT!
Elise: Chuuya-san, YOU ARE AN ADULT!
Chuuya: OH FUCK!
Chuuya, in total panic: WE NEED AN ADULTIER ADULT, GO GET KOUYOU!!

Chapter Text

Tachihara: Hah! 69! You know what that means?
Gin: That you're a child.
Kajii: HOW'D YOU GUESS MY IQ!?

Higuchi: So, let's start by talking about the emotions you're feeling right now.
Gin: Stabbing.
Higuchi: Stabbing...isn't really an emotion. It's more of an activity. Which I hope you don't do to me. See, an emotion is more of a feeling.
Gin: Well, maybe I feel stabby.

Gin: Gender is a prison and I chewed through the bars

Ranpo to Yosano: I dare you to call Kouyou 'Daddy'
Yosano: I already do?
Ranpo:
Ranpo: What
Yosano: What?

Louisa: Are you okay?
Lucy: If by 'okay' you mean that my life is a meaningless, black cauldron of swirling failure, then yes, everything is groovy
Louisa:
Louisa: That is not at all what I meant by okay

Dazai: If I die, can everyone just do the right thing and pretend that I was a way better person than I am?

Dazai: What have I told you about comparing Dostoevskij to the devil?
Atsushi: That it's offensive to the devil

Minoura: You're obsessed with yourself
Ranpo: And you're not? Sad. Tragic

Elise: I do, in fact, want to build a snowman

Lucy: Sometimes, I don't realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird

Dazai: I may be a bitch, but I'm the funny one who delivers hilarious one-liners

Atsushi, watching Kenji lifting weights: Wow, he's so intense! I wonder what's going through his mind
Kenji, internally: I'm going to be so good at giving hugs

Higuchi, after Akutagawa shows any hint of humanity: You totally care about others feelings!
Akutagawa: Lies and slander

Dazai: You're going to hell, I hope you know
Fyodor: Oh, I know
Dazai: Save me a seat?
Fyodor: Definitely

Mori: Our neighbour has a really ugly Christmas tree
Fukuzawa: Why does our neighbour have his Christmas tree up in May?
Mori: Oh, he doesn't. I just noticed it at Christmas
Fukuzawa: Why are you bringing it up now then?!

Mori: Nakahara!
Chuuya: What? I didn’t try to kill him. It was the forces of nature.
Mori: You crushed him with your ability!
Chuuya: Gravity is a force of nature.

Chuuya: Go fuck yourself!
Dazai: Fuck me yourself, coward!

[After getting in a fight with Shirase]
Dazai, to Chuuya: In my defense, I was the only one saying "Stop hitting".
[Earlier]
Dazai: Stop hitting, stop hitting! Kicking will hurt him more!

Atsushi: Just so you know, if you go to prison, I will not wait for you.
Akutagawa: Of course not. I'll escape. We both know that

SPOILERS ABOUT THE HUNTING DOGS AHEAD. YOU MAY THINK "I don't know the characters and these are incorrect quotes without references to the plot, so I'll be fine, these are just names." NO they aren't. These are SPOILERS. I won't be responsible for your carelessness. I warned you.

Jouno: Teruko is one of those kids who would hiss at you in the hallway

Fukuchi: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?
Tetchou: Rude.
Jouno: That’s fair.
Tachihara: Not again.
Teruko: Are you going to want this back?

(Yeah I know I already put it but not with these characters so suck it up)

Fukuchi: Anyone d-
Tetchou: Depressed?
Jouno: Drained?
Tachihara: Dumb?
Teruko: Disliked?
Fukuchi: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people ...

Fukuchi: What does 'take out' mean?
Tetchou: Food.
Jouno: Dating
Tachihara: Murder
Teruko: IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.

Teruko: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.
Tetchou: This knife is actually a magic wand.
Jouno: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.
Tachihara: *cocks gun* Magic missile.
Fukuchi: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

Teruko: Bye Fukuchi! Bye Jouno! Bye Tachihara! Bye Tetchou! Bye Fukuchi!
Jouno: You said ‘bye Fukuchi’ twice.
Teruko: I like Fukuchi.

Chapter Text

Chuuya: I think Kouyou was right.
Mori: I'm surprised she hasn't marched in here to say 'I told you so.'
Chuuya: She wouldn't do that.
Kouyou: You're right, Chuuya. For once in your life, you're 100% right. I would never say that.
Kouyou: *Turns around, the shirt she's wearing says 'Kouyou Told You So' on the back*

Kunikida: Can I be frank with you guys?
Naomi: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.
Kunikida: I-
Haruno: Can I still be Haruno?
Dazai, enjoying this: Shh, let Frank speak.

Alcott, setting down a card: Ace of spades
Montgomery, pulling out an Uno card: +4
Twain, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you
Poe, trembling: What are we playing

[Haruno, Atsushi, and Kenji are sitting on a bench]
Tanikazi: Why do you guys look so sad?
Haruno: Sit down with us so we can tell you.
Tanikazi:  *Sits down*
Atsushi: The bench is freshly painted.

Soukoku: Are we in trouble?
Mori: Take a guess.
Chuuya: No?
Mori: Take another guess.

Atsushi: Did Akutagawa just tell me he loved me for the first time?
Kyouka: Yeah.
Atsushi: And did I do finger guns back?
Kyouka: Yeah, you did.

Alcott: We lost Mark! What do we do!?
Steinbeck: Don’t worry, I got this.
Steinbeck: TELL ME WHY!
Twain: *Yells form the distance* AIN’T NOTHING BUT A HEARTACHE!
Steinbeck: There he is.

Kunikida: *Shining a flashlight inside the futon*
Kunikida: Katai, are you ready to come out yet and interact with people?
Katai: *DEMONIC SCREECHING*
Kunikida: Understandable, have a good day.

Dazai, laying on the floor: This is killing meeeee
Chuuya: Good. Die.
 

Kyouka: So how’s the food?
Atsushi: It’s great, send compliments to the chef
Kyouka: Okay
[In the kitchen]
Kyouka: You have beautiful eyes
Lucy: ...alright

Fitzgerald: I really like this whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ thing you guys have going on.
Atsushi: It’s not an act, it’s just that I’m kind and Akutagawa isn’t

Fukuzawa: You stabbed him?!
Mori: Yeah, well you should have heard what he said
Fukuzawa: What did he say?
Mori: 'What are you going to do, stab me?'

Drunk Tachihara, to an unsuspecting Kajii: Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone told him, 'You only have one ear. You cannot be a great artist.'
Drunk Tachihara: And you know what he said?
Drunk Tachihara, putting a hand on Kajii's shoulder: 'I can't hear you.'
Kajii, in tears: Vincent Van Gogh was such a dreamer

[Atsushi and Dazai sitting in jail together]
Atsushi: So who should we call?
Dazai: I’d call Kunikida, but I feel safer in jail

Chuuya: Isn't it weird how people kill mosquitoes just because they're annoying?
Chuuya: If people did that to other people then Dazai would have died years ago

Fukuzawa: Do you take constructive criticism?
Mori: I absolutely fucking do not
Fitzgerald: I only take cash or credit
Fyodor: The only thing I take is lives

Stoker: I don't have the energy for this
Fukuchi: For what?
Stoker: *Gestures vaguely*

Fukuchi: Everyone, synchronize your watches.
Gogol: I don’t know how to do that.
Sigma: I don’t wear a watch.
Fyodor: Time is a construct.

Kunikida: Damn, I spilled my drink on the floor.
Kenji: Five-second rule!
Kunikida: Sorry what????

Dazai: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave and her name was Mozzarella?
Kunikida: Don’t talk to me again

Chuuya: YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT! YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND ASK, 'WHAT AM I WILLING TO PUT UP WITH TODAY?'
Chuuya, gesturing to Dazai doing anything: NOT — FUCKING — THIS!

Sigma: Okay, I don't think you understand so let's go over it again
Gogol: Okay
Sigma: I have the flu
Gogol: Yeah?
Sigma: It's highly contagious
Gogol: Okay
Sigma: You're a big baby when you're sick
Gogol: So I've been told, can we make out now?
Sigma: *Sighs*

Kenji, at 3am: If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?
Tetchou, whispering: 'I chlorofeel you, man'

HUNTING DOGS SPOILERS

Tetchou: *Screams*
Jouno: *Screams louder to establish dominance*
Tachihara: Should we do something?
Teruko: No, I want to see who wins.

Cop: You’re receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.
Teruko: Shit.
Jouno: Wait, three?
Cop: Yeah?
Tetchou: OH MY GOD TACHIHARA FELL OFF!

Chapter Text

Chuuya: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck

Sigma: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Dostoyevskij does? I mean, what if he jumped off a cliff?
Gogol: If Fedya were to jump off a cliff, he would’ve done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Fedya jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Sigma: You jump off a cliff!
Gogol: Gladly. Provided Fedya did first.

Higuchi: WHY. Why did you give Gin a KNIFE?!
Tachihara: I’m sorry. They said they felt unsafe.
Higuchi: Now I feel unsafe!
Tachihara: I’m sorry.
Tachihara: ...would you like a knife?

[In a museum]
Kouyou: *Takes a selfie*
Yosano: Excuse me ma'am, but please do not take pictures of the artwork
Kouyou: Oh I’m just taking a picture of myself
Yosano: *Winks* I know

Tachihara, to Kajii: Oh please, I'm totally straight.
Chuuya: *Enters to room*
Tachihara:
Tachihara: I-I have to gay
Tachihara: I meant go
Kajii, rolling his eyes: No you didn't.
Tachihara, laughing nervously: No I didn't

Elise: [loses Mori in a crowd]
Elise:
Elise:
Elise: Oh thank god

Ranpo: Aw, Kouyou calls you "love", that's so cute. What do you call her?
Yosano: Daddy
Ranpo:
Yosano: *Shrugs*
Ranpo: Right

Atsushi: I met this guy last night that seemed to hate you a lot
Dazai: That could be anyone
Atsushi: He was short, ginger, blue eyes, fedora hat...
Dazai: Ah, that'd be Chuuya, my husband

(I imagine it happening when Atsushi had just joined the ADA)

Akutagawa: You're so utterly embarrassing
Atsushi: Let go of my hand then
Akutagawa: No.

Chuuya, introducing Dazai: This is my ex-partner
Dazai, whining: I told you to stop calling me that!
Dazai: I'm his husband

Oda: So how are you going to ask him out?
Dazai: Just watch me
Dazai: *Goes to Chuuya*
Dazai: Hey chibi, I dare you to go out on a date with me
Chuuya: I'm not going to do that
Dazai: Ok, then I guess I win
Chuuya: HELL NO, Tachihara hold my bag, you really think I'mma let you win? Well, you're WRONG-

Lucy: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life
Atsushi: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?
Lucy: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.
Kyouka: Edible

Ranpo: If you could guess, how many brain cells do you have?
Kenji: Dorito’s cool ranch.
Ranpo:
Ranpo: I'm just gonna assume zero for now.
Kenji: I love that song.

Melville: How did this happen?
Steinbeck, stuck in his own vine: How does anything happen, really?

Yosano: Tell Aya about the birds and the bees.
Kunikida: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

Fyodor: Can you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
Sigma: Crying?

Poe: Ranpo-kun, I’m ugly.
Ranpo: I’m pregnant.
Poe: What?
Ranpo: Oh, I thought we were saying things that were impossible.

"She stole my food then asked me to spy on people with her. Is this what love feels like?"
-Mori talking about Elise

Akutagawa, about Atsushi: I didn't do anything, all I did was exist near him.
Akutagawa: ...And scratch him on the eyeball.
Akutagawa: And call him a dumbface.
Akutagawa: What?! He has a dumb face!

[After Kyouka's first mission]
Atsushi: How did it go? Did you find out anything?
Kyouka: I found out I'm really bad at this

Gin: There has to be a way to fix it!
Akutagawa: Oh, you're asking me? Wow *laughs*, usually Higuchi's the friendship stuff guy, I'm usually the "punch your feelings out" guy, but okay...

HUNTING DOGS SPOILERS
Tetchou: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?
Jouno: You’re a hazard to society
Teruko: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

Teruko: I think we're missing something.
Jouno: Teamwork?
Tetchou: Cohesion?
Tachihara: A general sense of what we’re doing?

"Where were we? Oh yeah, I was about to punch you"
-Tetchou to Kenji, after Kenji proposed to look for Jouno together

Aya, excitedly: Bram, say toast ten times!
Stoker: Toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast
Aya: Now, what do you put in a toaster?
Stoker: What is a toaster?
Aya:
Aya: Um-

Chapter Text

Shirase: I have an idea!
Yuan: Is it a good one?
Shirase: Woah! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves there!

Yosano: I'm invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
Ranpo: My god, what have you done?
Yosano: Well, to be fair, it was Dazai’s fault

Dazai, reading off his water bottle: "Recycle me again"
Dazai: I’m going to die before I do that
Kunikida: Don’t say that, recycling is important
Dazai: No, Kunikida-kun, I’m literally going to die
Dazai: *Passes out, blood leaking through shirt from a stab wound*

Chuuya: Alright, gimme your hair dryer.
Gin: What?
Higuchi: What are you talking about?
Chuuya: Don't you carry one in your purse?
Higuchi: Have you ever met a human woman?
Chuuya: *calls Kouyou*
Chuuya to Kouyou: Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?
Kouyou: Of course, I'm not an animal.

Chuuya: So your plan is to what? Run through an armada of ships?
Shirase: NO!
Chuuya:
Shirase: ...maybe!

"There's someone here whose boat I maybe, sort of, kinda set on fire"
-Nakahara Chuuya

"Are you petting the thing that has been trying to kill us?"
-Kunikida to Kenji

Shirase: Ready to do something that probably won't work?
Yuan: Always

Dazai: I’d like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

Lucy: People are always asking me if I'm a morning person or a night person.
Lucy: And I'm just like, 'Buddy! I'm barely even a PERSON!'

Akutagawa: You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?

Kouyou: If you can’t beat them, dress better than them

The ADA in a nutshell: I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship! ... And this knife I found.

Mori's philosophy: Some of you may die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

Twain: 'Person of interest' is almost too flattering.
Twain: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'A man has been murdered in your building and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'

"With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later."
-Nastume Soseki

Mori and Fukuzawa: *Fighting*
Elise: *Filming them*
Dazai, quietly in the background: Someone get Taylor Swift on the phone, cause baby, now we got bad blood

Atsushi: *Kisses Akutagawa on the cheek*
Akutagawa: What was that?
Atsushi: It's called "affection".
Akutagawa: Gross.
Akutagawa: ...
Akutagawa: Do it again.

Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Chuuya*
Chuuya: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

Dazai: Time for plan G.
Chuuya: Don’t you mean plan B?
Dazai: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Hirotsu: What about plan D?
Dazai: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Chuuya: What about plan E?
Dazai: Well, Mori-san dies in plan E.
Elise: I like plan E.

Fizgerald: Well, aren’t you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you’re out to save the world!
Kunikida: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.
Yosano: More or less, I guess
Kenji: That sounds awesome! Let’s do that!
Kyouka: I’m new here, but I am open to the concept.
Dazai: I thought that’s what we were doing, guys, come on!

Sigma: We need to distract these guys
Gogol: Leave it to me
Gogol: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.
Dazai and Fyodor: *Immediately begin arguing*
Sigma, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

Akutagawa: Dazai just gave me a get better soon card
Higuchi: That's oddly sweet
Akutagawa: No, I'm not sick, he just thinks I could do better

Fyodor: I just ended a four year relationship.
Sigma: Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?
Fyodor: Hm? Oh yeah, I’m fine. It wasn’t my relationship.
*Dazai and Chuuya fighting from across the room*

SPOILERS
Aya, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti latte with, uhh, nine expresso shots?
Stoker, next in line: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine

Chapter Text

Fyodor: *Sighs*
Gogol: You bored?
Fyodor: Yup.
Gogol: Wanna start chaos for no reason?
Fyodor: I thought you'd never ask.

Chuuya: I hate you!
Dazai: You hate me!? Imagine how I feel!
Dazai: I AM me!
Chuuya: Do- do you wanna talk about it?

Fyodor: Hey, Daz-
Dazai: Sorry, I don't talk to ugly people.
Fyodor:
Fyodor: Well I do.

Chuuya: You think being gay is hard??
Chuuya, looking at Dazai: Try being only attracted to clowns!
Dazai, not looking up from his book: Narcissism ain't cute, sis

Kunikida: I am at a loss for words!
Atsushi, narrating: Despite being at a loss for words, Kunikida-san proceeded to yell at Dazai-san for 25 minutes.

Mori: Whoa
Yosano: What
Mori: You're O negative. You're a universal donor. You could give your blood to anybody!
Yosano: Or no one you fucking vampire.

Oda: Where’s Dazai?
Ango, not looking up from his book: Off disappointing Jesus.

Soseki: Cats deserve to live forever.
Fukuzawa: And people don’t?
Soseki: Of course not.

Katai: Life hack!
Katai: If you drink a gallon of water a day you won’t have time for anyone else’s bullshit because you’ll be too busy pissing!
Katai: Stay hydrated, friends!

Dazai to Chuuya: I’m leaving, see ya rat-sized dog!
Chuuya: Goodbye, Dazai.
Dazai, halts: What? You’re not going to insult me back?
Dazai: Are you mad at me?

Atsushi, cuddling Akutagawa: What did I do to deserve you?
Akutagawa: Probably something awful

Mori: Hello, 911? Yes, hi, um I accidentally raised my voice at Elise and I need to be arrested
911 operator:
911 operator: *Long sigh* Dr. Mori, we've talked about this

Kouyou: You should always say "please" and "thank you"
Chuuya, to Dazai: Please shut the fuck up, thank you
Kouyou:
Kouyou: Not what I meant, but progress nonetheless

Mori: Stay here and...just don’t touch anything.
Dazai: Yeah, yeah
Mori: *Leaves*
Dazai: I'm gonna touch everything

Dazai: Don’t let Akutagawa fool you, he’s not that scary, he used to do ballet.
Akutagawa: Which gave me the physicals skills I need to strangle people with my feet.

Fukuzawa, with a box in his arms: What would you say if I came home one day with 6 kittens?
Mori: What’s in the box?
Fukuzawa:
Mori: What’s in the box, Yuchiki?
Fukuzawa: I think you know

Naomi and Haruno: *Staring out the window
Tanikazi: What are you two looking at?
Naomi: The tv broke so we’re watching a couple fight across the street.
The couple across the street: *is Dazai and Chuuya*

Dazai: All in all, a 100% successful mission.
Chuuya: We lost Shirase.
Dazai: All in all, a 100% successful mission.

Lucy: What if I press the brake and gas at the same time?
Twain: The car takes a screenshot.
Steinbeck: For the last time, get the fuck out.

Gin: Kajii, do you just have a mouse running around in a wheel in your head or what?
Kajii: Excuse me, it's a hamster and there's a difference
Tachihara: It's a rat
Gin: Yeah, it's definitely a rat

Fukuzawa: That's a really terrible idea.
Mori: Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input.

Dazai: You ever look at two people and wonder why they haven't kissed yet?
Yosano: Every. Single. Day.
Ranpo and Poe, cuddled up on the couch: Why are you guys looking at us?

Chuuya, to Yuan: My life is in the hands of an idiot!
Yuan, motioning to herself and Shirase: No no no no no, TWO idiots!

Kunikida: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no clue what to put in them. Suggestions?
Dazai: Put spaghetti in it.
Kunikida: I'm currently taking suggestions from literally anyone but you.
Ranpo: Put spaghetti in it.
Kunikida: I'm currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two.
Yosano: Put spaghetti in it.
Kunikida: I'm no longer taking suggestions.

Kajii: Crazy concept: We plant bombs that aren’t quite strong enough to kill them straight away, so they suffer.
Hirotsu: Crazier concept: We do absolutely anything else, but definitely not that.
 

Chapter Text

Steinbeck: I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get hired to do mean things.
Twain: Yes, but you like it. 
Alcott: I think it's important to like what you do.
Lucy: I think there’s a clause in there that says not when it’s being an assassin for hire

Kajii: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
Hirotsu: Wasn't Tachihara with you?
Tachihara: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

Tachihara: So, uh, would you like to have dinner tonight?
Chuuya: I would like to have dinner every night

Katai: Ugh, no one ever texts me.
Katai: *Gets a text*
Katai: What the fuck do you want.

Chuuya: Isn't it weird how we all sleep differently?
Tachihara: Huh?
Chuuya: I sleep on my side, Kouyou sleeps on her back...
Chuuya: Dazai sleeps with everyone.

(I'd like you to know that I do not approve slutshaming. Dazai-shaming it's another thing though)

Dazai: Anything that comes out of your mouth is stupid.
Chuuya: Dazai.
Dazai:
Dazai, running to Mori’s office: DAD!

Kid: Trick or treat!
Fitzgerald: I love your costume, are you a ghost?
Kid: Yup!
Fitzgerald: Amazing! My daughter is a ghost too!
Fitzgerald, crying: And my wife lost her sanity ever since-

Fyodor: I don’t sleep.
Fyodor: Whenever I collapse is completely up to god.

Atsushi: *Sneaking back into the house wearing a large trench coat*
Dazai: What have you got there, Atsushi-kun?
Atsushi’s coat: *Muffled meowing*
Atsushi, panicking: drugs

Gin, about the black Black Lizards: I hate this fucking family 
Higuchi: You called them family
Gin: No. You have no proof

Kunikida: You can be really annoying sometimes
Dazai: Pardon me?
Ranpo, from a distance: Are you Aaron Burr, sir?
Yosano: That depends, who's asking?
Kunikida: Oh my fucking God-

Twain: DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off of it’s hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Steinbeck: I’m really beginning to see why you’re still single.

Lucy: *is upset*
Kyouka: Hey you know, if spiders had a complex social structure like us and viewed humans as God's and each one of us had a Religion that groups of spiders group into, you know what that would mean? That would mean that there is a group of spiders who are rooting for you.
Lucy: Thank? You?
Kyouka: *beams* No problem!

Poe, watching Ranpo: Look at him. He's so calm and cool. I want nothing more than to be half as cool as he is.
Ranpo: *Secretly humming "Mary had a little lamb"*

Mori: And what do we say when our actions upset someone?
Akutagawa: Let’s duel fool.
Tachihara: Fight me!
Kouyou: Hoes mad.
Elise: Bitch you want to go?
Chuuya: All of the above??
Mori: I'm so proud of you

Steinbeck: Blue isn't even a natural color for foodstuffs. It occurs very rarely in nature. Name me one blue food!
Lucy, Alcott, Poe and Twain: Blueber—
Steinbeck: BLUEBERRIES ARE FUCKING PURPLE!

Atsushi: How long are you going to be mad at me?
Lucy: Ten minutes

Steinbeck: Why is Alcott crying?
Poe: Montgomery killed her Minecraft polar bear
Lucy: SHE WAS THE ONE WHO BROUGHT A POLAR BEAR TO THE FUCKING NETHER!

Kajii: There's no reason you can't eat pie every meal. They make fruit pies, vegetable pies, meat pies, meat substitute pies, I mean pies easily cover up 100% of your necessary nutrient groups. They even make cake pies. The only reason to not switch to pie entirely is because pie sucks.
Tachihara: You were so close to a revolutionary thesis and then you betrayed me and every citizen of good standing.

Poe: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired. I'll be fine, I want to write a little more
Ranpo: But I’ll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again
Poe: O-oh. Wait... Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?
Ranpo: Is it working?

Gogol: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.

Atsushi: Just be yourself.
Dazai: 'Be myself'? Atsushi, I have one day to win Chuuya over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?
Yosano: Couple weeks.
Ranpo: Six months.
Kunikida: Jury’s still out.
Dazai: See, Atsushi?
Dazai: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

Hirotsu: Dammit, Kajii!
Kajii: What?! It wasn’t me!
Hirotsu: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Tachihara!
Tachihara: Not me either.
Hirotsu: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?
Gin: *whistles*

SPOILERS
Teruko: Urgh, of course Tachihara is getting along with the Port Mafia. I bet they're plotting to bully some kids or something.
[cut to Tachihara sitting with Kajii and Chuuya]
Kajii: So I tried to tie my shoes with spaghetti and it actually worked

Bram: I’ve never been in a snowball fight before. I don’t know the rules.
Aya: What?
Bram: Is there a point system, or to the death?

Chapter Text

Steinbeck: This robin is such a brazen little git. "Watch this lads, I prance about this chap's window and he just comes out and DROPS SEED ON THE GROUND"
Steinbeck: He's not wrong though.

Dazai: I, for one, welcome the resurgence of the phrase
Dazai: "Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me"
Dazai: to diffuse heated exchanges on our roads

Chuuya: Drat... and a double drat.
Chuuya: This is all.

Ranpo: Good help the room-service delivery man beyond the door should he hear the noises we make when the first fry reaches the mouth

[Halloween]
Poe: "It actually originated... as a Gaelic festival" I say quietly over and over, dry and dusty voiced from below my headstone a hundred years from now.

Kajii: Surely marriage... is not so much a question of loving "til death do you part" but whether you can still love after they return as a nineties cgi render of themselves as depicted in Casper (1995)

Gogol: I have been singing the lyrics of Arthur Mcbride to the tune of "Last Christmas" and I await my extradition to the Hague

Fukuzawa: One thing that never fails to make you happy?
Mori: Serotonin

Twain: Apologies again for spoiling the ending of Animal Crossing, that 30 minute sequence of your villager’s funeral after Tom Nook has you killed can't be skipped anyway so you literally can't miss it
Twain: (I have not played it!)

Alcott: Do you ever try and think of something meaningful to ask all you come up with is trash?
Poe: You just described my discography interactions with Ranpo?

Haruno: I hear if you 'oldify' a face on the face app, screenshot it, and do it again enough times, a person dies in real life guys don't

Fyodor: I will use this powers, for evil

Sigma: I wish you'd stop tweeting about fucking oats fucking dancing and release MUSIC find the EXIT
Dazai: Sigma, my friend. First oats dances are made, then music plans ok lets just cool the gets here

Poe: When you're in an hotel do you ever rub a pencil over the notepad to see what the last occupant wrote? You definitely shouldn't, it's weird don't

Elise: Anyone else's household scissors seem to have a questionable relationship with the mortal realm? In and out as it pleases

Yosano: Imo a woman should never have to cook for a man, if you're hungry eat her pussy or go hunt

Twain: I open a window for TWO SECONDS and it's a sad daddy-long-legs rave in here. Most tragic of all insects.

Gin: Sliding in your dms
Kajii: Hurtling skinless in your dms
Tachihara: Careening wildly into your dms

Fukuchi, sending screenshot to the group chat: "Can't have more than 50 alarms"
Fukuchi: Phone's being really judgy today so
[15 minutes later]
Fukuchi: I see some of you have taken the side of the phone here. Perilous mistake.

Computer: are you sure you want to submit current sentiment to "Tunnel of Sneers"?
Poe: yes don't you dare ask me again

Kyouka: Be quiet, Silica Gel, can't you see I'm starving.

Yosano: "The REAL reason millennials eat avocado is so their Omega-3 enriched hearts age well, are healthy with revenge when their time comes"

Chapter Text

Chuuya: What the hell? I thought you said this wasn't about winning
Mori: I did say that, so you would go slower and I would win, which is what happened
Dazai: You're just as competitive as we are!
Mori: Absurd. I'm more competitive.

Yosano: Why are you on the roof?
Fukuchi: I was going to throw Fukuzawa over the side and make it look like a bird-watching incident
Yosano: Oh, please, do you think anyone's gonna actually-
Fukuzawa: It's genius. There's a red-tailed hawk roost a block away, and I've got a pair of micro binoculars in my pocket, like a fool
Yosano: Okay, well, I stand corrected

"Wow, betraying the Port Mafia is one thing, but sarcasm, Bob? Really?"
-Akutagawa Ryuunosuke, about to kill a traitor

Yosano: What happened to my fun friend?
Kunikida: Fun? I was never fun, you take that back

Fyodor: Chuuya is great, you want to keep him? Be more receptive to his interest.
Dazai; Alright, now you're taking it too far, Fyodor. I don't need relationship advice from my criminal archnemesis.

Kunikida: I thought you said there was nothing illegal about this!
Dazai: And I thought you understood I was lying.

Kunikida: How did none of you hear what I just said?
Ranpo: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
Yosano: I got distracted about halfway through.
Dazai: Ignoring you was a conscious decision

Higuchi: Gin and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us
Hirotsu, sighing: What did Gin do?
Higuchi: They chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and...
Gin: Who wants a steering wheel?

Sigma: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me.
Fyodor: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Sigma: Yes!
Gogol: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

Kyouka: Atsushi, I'm sad.
Atsushi: *Holds out arms for a hug* It’s going to be okay.
[Later]
Atsushi: Lucy, I'm sad.
Lucy, nodding: Mood.

Kunikida: That's very interesting. And what bought you to the ADA?
Kenji: Oh yes!
Kenji: You know how I’m full of rage?

Chuuya: Dad I wanna duel
Verlaine, giving Chuuya a gun: Sounds like something a responsible parent wouldn’t want you doing… Good thing I’m not a responsible parent!

Alcott: How did you get here so fast? You were walking!
Fitzgerald: I was power-walking

Dazai: We use the mankind's biggest weapon
Chuuya: A grenade
Dazai: The written word
Chuuya: Ugh, I'm out

Dazai: Maybe we can talk about how some of us are big lying liars who lie all the time like a bunch of liars, Fyodor

Fitzgerald: Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it.

Kunikida to Katai: Damn, bitch, you live like this?

Yosano: Don't be late or I'll slit your throats ahahahaha
Ranpo: You don't have to fake laugh, we know you mean it
Yosano: Good.

[Talking about Chuuya and Dazai fighting]
Akutagawa: They just need to bone
Atsushi: Gross, Akutagawa! Those are our dads!

Lucy: Mark, are you crazy? No, I don't want to watch a living animal die and then consume its flesh
Twain: How is it different than eating a turkey that's been killed in a factory?
Lucy: Because I don't have to see that. It's called living in denial, you moron

Hirotsu: That's an interesting offer, but I don't want to be an imposition
Tachihara: Imposition? What? No!
Hirotsu: No, I was talking to Gin, I assume she'll be doing all the work
Tachihara: Why?
Kajii: Oh, because of our track records and personalities?

Akutagawa to Higuchi: I know your spirit animal is a caterpillar that's been stepped on, but mine is the mighty wolf

Ango: What’s something you guys are better at than Chuuya is? I'd say Mario Kart
Dazai: Yeah, video games.
Oda: Emotional vulnerability.

Gogol: And that’s why I’m not allowed at Applebee’s.
Sigma: How are you not on some watchlist?
Gogol: Do you honestly think Gogol is my real name?

Atsushi: I can't believe I was wrong!
Lucy: I can

Chapter Text

Notes: Dazai

*Looks up at the ever growing list of kinky tags*
I'm not sure whether to be proud or ashamed.
Who am I kidding. I'm super proud.

Notes: Poe

how to write without dying

Notes: Akutagawa

Alright, so the next chapter is fucking heavy. I mean, so was this one. 

Notes: Kajii

okay okay okay okay oKAY
*jazz hands* here's some smut happy weekend i'd apologise but ya'll asked for it and i'm not remotely sorry

Notes: Gin

I told you there would be angst *finger guns away*

Notes: Alcott

Thanks for reading! No one look at me

Notes: Mori

who else likes some old men porn. anyone? anyone at all? no?
don't mind the length and pacing. i'm not an author i'm just a freak.

Notes: Ranpo

Fair warning that most of this was written at 1am with enough caffeine in my system to fight a god. Chaos will ensue.

Notes: Higuchi

me? getting emotional over posting the last chapter? it's exactly as likely as you think i am crying

Notes: Yosano & Dazai

oof that shit hurted
anyway i love pain! but i also love friendship and character development and WOMEN. hope this chapter was a nice even balance of all four!

Notes: Haruno

*throws 14k of fluff at y'all and runs*

Notes: Kunikida

fun fact, i had a huge breakdown over the direction of this fic and completely reworked my original outline. 

Notes: Kouyou

don't mind the canon timeline, it doesn't exist here :)

Notes: Fitzgerald

i hope they do have a happy birthday song in france. If they do not, it’s another reason to be thankful i am not french

Notes: Tanikazi

I still need to work on piles of academic workloads and is there any value in the act of living???

Notes: Naomi

the fact that people have beta readers is so funny to me. like what is written before i publish is between me and god.

Notes: Atsushi

Again, please give me comments on what you liked and what I could do better! I thrive off of validation from strangers on the internet.

Notes: Hirotsu

did this chapter make you say "no way. no fucking way. i draw the line, it's too stupid to comprehend"? unfortunately for all of us this is based off a real life experience <3

Notes: Yosano

this chapter is kind of all over the place but slay i guess

Notes: Steinbeck

i’ve decided to give up on using english slang and measurements fuck y’all. 

Notes: Lucy

if i vent in a fic where no one reads am i still sus

Notes: Tachihara

a lil angst, a lil fluff. who knows what'll happen in the next chapter? I certainly don't. i do be writing this shit as i go, so like yall can suggest things if u want. i might not take them but i enjoy feedback. 

Notes: Twain

wrote this while i was still grieving the fact that father's day passed without me taking that prime opportunity to make a daddy joke smh

Notes: Chuuya

I was not sober when I wrote this, and it was not proofread.

Notes: Kenjii

absolutely no proofreading of any kind!!!! i write, post, and forget it, babey!!!

Chapter Text

Lucy: I might have not been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist.
Lucy: I never found a wallet outside an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground
Atsushi: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think you definitely did do that.

Gin: As my mom always used to say, "If a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through"
Higuchi: Your mom always said that?

Atsushi: We can't kill her!
Kyouka: Not with that attitude, we can't!

Alcott: You mustn't blame yourself!
Fitzgerald: I'm not, I'm blaming you

Akutagawa: I felt bad about what I did.
Akutagawa: It was a weird feeling. Not used to it. Didn't love it.

Dazai: Crazy how through all of this I'm still horny. The human spirit is unbreakable

Tachihara: Aren't you like 5'3''?
Chuuya: I self-identify as tall

Gin: All I ask is for you to get to know me on a deep, intimate level while I resist and obstruct your every attempt to do so

Dazai: You know what? At first I was kinda nervous, but so far I think I'm doing okay. It's like I became such a good person, I almost forgot I'm a world-class liar, baby!

Atsushi: You're mad at me.
Lucy: I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed
Atsushi: Oh, come on, everyone knows that's worse

Mori: The odds of that happening coincidentally are vanishingly small
Kouyou: I would say infinitesimally
Chuuya: Yes, and I would say teenly-weenily. We all know words

Kenji: Why do we have to do that?
Kunikida: Mh...because...?
Kenji: Can't argue with that

Mori: What are you up to?
[At the same time]
Chuuya: Being normal. Why?
Dazai: Not misbehaving. What?

Chuuya: Victory shall be mine
Dazai: I heard you practicing in the shower. You can't surprise me. Letting me into your life was the worst mistake you ever made.
Chuuya: Cool, fun take on our relationship
Fyodor, to them: Well, I for one, think you're perfect for each other...
Dazai: Feel like there's gonna be more
Fyodor:...Because you're both losers
Chuuya: There it is

Fitzgerald: Desperate times call for Desperate Housewives
Melville: What?
Fitzgerald: Measures. I said measures.

Ranpo: You gotta calm the fuck down. You're gonna ace this test.
Poe: You think this because you love me, and love has made you dumb.

Atsushi: Akutagawa isn’t answering his phone
Dazai: I’ll call
Atsushi: Chuuya and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-
Akutagawa, answering the phone: Hello?

Atsushi: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Lucy: Prison.

"You're a good detective, even if you're a thirsty-ass bitch"
--Yosano to Dazai

[Dead Apple]
Fyodor: So what was like to die?
Shibusawa: It was awesome
Dazai: I knew it! I always wanted to die!
The other two: *nodding knowingly*

Tachihara: The answer is a gun
Kajii: And if that doesn't work?
Tachihara: Use more guns

"Just because you want to do something doesn't mean you get to do it. Life is caos, success is completely arbitrary and confidence is everything."
--Chuuya, after more than one glass of wine, giving advice to a scared yet intrigued Akutagawa

Lucy, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him
Atsushi: You did WHAT–
Kyouka: William Snakespeare

"I have nothing to live for, and I drive like it"
-Dazai Osamu

Elise, sitting with other Port Mafia members: You want to sit with us?
Q: We'll all be dead so soon
Chuuya: What?
Q: I would love to sit