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Lily of the valley
Known for representing many things such as luck, rebirth, and the return of happiness.
Shouto finally had those things. He was lucky enough to have friends who cared about him. It felt like being reborn. Todoroki Shouto was gone, he and all his pain and grief could be put away and forgiven, never forgotten. That wasn’t what controlled Shouto anymore. Todoroki Shouto was born.
He mourned Todoroki Shouto for his unluckiness. He was a Todoroki, the son of the number two hero. He was supposed to have a childhood full of opportunities and experiences that shaped him into a great hero. Instead, he received years of trauma that were only controlled after therapy and the support of people other than his own father. He mourned Todoroki Shouto but moved on from that chapter of his life.
Todoroki Shouto didn’t let his past define him.
He wasn’t Endeavor’s experiment. He wasn’t the result of a loveless marriage. He wasn’t only his quirk. He was a little brother. He was a friend to many and an inspiration to others. He was in love. He was the hero in training Shouto .
The night before they rode into battle, Iida and Kirishima were hesitant to leave Shouto but he assured them he’d be fine. Katsuki wasn’t convinced and didn’t move from his bed even after the others left. Shouto lay on his bed next to Katsuki without speaking.
They silently lay there until Shouto broke the silence.
“Good luck out there…Katsuki,” Katsuki sat up and turned his face to Shouto with a small glare on his face.
“I don’t need luck,” Shouto sat up with a half smile on his face. The smile didn’t reach his eyes. His eyes were full of something Katsuki couldn’t name. Katsuki had seen that look on Shouto many times before.
“Wipe that look off your face, fucking hate it on you. I’m not wishing you luck because you don’t need it either. You’re going to beat his ass. I expect nothing less from you, Shouto,” The words found their way into Shouto’s heart. He knew no matter what, those words would encourage him in his battle. Shouto felt warm, as he often did near Katsuki.
Shouto wanted to kiss Katsuki. Just once . He knew it wasn’t the right time. They were in the middle of a war, they had no time for kisses and love confessions. That didn’t make the temptation to kiss Katsuki disappear. He gave in.
Shouto leaned in towards Katsuki and gave him a quick kiss. He had no previous experience. It wasn’t the kiss he wanted to desperately give Katsuki anyways. It was the message. I love you.
Katsuki had pink spread throughout his cheeks as soon as Shouto leaned in. He composed himself and glared at Shouto. Shouto was scared he ruined their friendship by forcing the kiss. He opened his mouth to apologize and ask to pretend it never happened before Katsuki grabbed his collar and pulled him closer.
“If you’re going to kiss me do it right,”
Katsuki kissed passionately, just as he did everything else. He didn’t do anything half-heartedly, that included training, studying, and apparently kissing Shouto.
“Fuck you. You shouldn’t have done this now ,” Katsuki spoke between kisses, the glare never leaving his face.
“I know. I’m sorry,” Shouto wasn’t sorry. He gave into his urges and he was kissed by the man he fell in love with. If he didn’t do it at that moment he wasn’t sure he ever would have.
“Don’t fucking apologize. We’re going to talk about this when this is all over,”
“You don’t hate me?”
“Are you-, I kissed you back. I’m kissing you . Obviously, I don’t fucking hate you,”
“Do you like -“
“Shut up. I’m not talking about this until we’re back,”
“Okay,” Shouto gave Katsuki a small smile before a thought dawned on him.
“Bakugou, what if we don’t-“
“Don’t talk. There’s too much talking already. I just…want to enjoy some silence for now,”
“If you want I can leave so you’ll be in complete silence,”
“No!… I want silence with you . When we get back we won’t get much,”
Katsuki and Shouto basked in the moonlight in silence until Katsuki decided they had to sleep. He stopped at the door before he left and turned back to Shouto.
“Let’s forget about this for now. It’ll just be a distraction. But as soon as we get back we’re fucking talking about this. Got it?”
“ Got it, ”
Time passed in an instant and before anyone knew it, it was time to set their plan into motion. If it went according to plan they would win the war. Shouto had to push aside his thoughts of Katsuki to prepare for his battle against his long-lost brother.
There was less than an hour left until they split up. The nervousness caught up to Shouto. It was all so overwhelming and he hoped no one could tell how he felt.
“You have to stay alive now. I’m not having you kiss me and just die to avoid our conversation,” Katsuki walked up to Shouto after he finished his conversations with his friends.
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Shouto hadn’t given much thought to dying. It wasn’t a terrifying thought. There was something poetic about dying alongside his brother. ‘ His father's failed masterpiece.’
Shouto knew he didn’t have to fear for the lives of his friends. They were strong, they were smart, and they should’ve been as safe as a person could be in an ongoing war. But the back of his mind was haunted by the possibility of losing one of them. Shouto wasn’t sure he could handle losing one of his friends, they were special to him.
It was time. He feared it was the last time he had all his classmates in one piece.
The fear set into him. The fear was still there as they walked into battle. It was thankfully easily ignored as he fought his brother. The fear returned as he sat on the ground with Iida as he finally had a second to think. He knew at least one of his friends was safe at the time. He thought about his friends and their challenges. He thought about his family and the way they would be affected. Finally, he thought about Katsuki and himself. He looked forward to their conversation despite the nervousness he felt earlier. The nervousness felt better than the fear.
Lily of the valley.
Also known for representing tears, pain, and death.
The lilies' sweet scent was beautiful, intoxicating . It was a trap.
Lily of the valley. A poisonous flower. Its beauty hid the poison that coursed through it.
Falling in love was beautiful. Like Lily of the valley. It was warm and full of kisses, teasing, and touch. Shouto should have known there was more to love than the pretty flower advertised to the world. Love was full of its fair share of poison. Though love's poison wasn’t fatal, it had its own way of torturing those unfortunate enough to encounter it.
Shouto never meant to hear that conversation. It wasn’t his right to eavesdrop. He was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time.
“When Katsuki was kidnapped we trusted you to get him back. When his friends got him back we trusted you to keep him safe after that. And you come here telling me he died doing your job ? ” Katsuki’s mom didn’t hold back. She wasn’t concerned about who could’ve heard their conversation.
“We should have done more to ensure his safety. Everyone at Yuuei is sorry. I’m sorry,” Aizawa sounded different. His voice was lower and flatter. He sounded as if he had been crying.
“Sorry isn’t going to bring him back. You aren’t a parent, you wouldn’t know what it's like fearing any day could be your child’s last. Experiencing losing your child is something no parent should have to do. Excuse me but I don’t have to stand here and listen to shit from any of you heroes ,”
“I-“
“My wife and I need some time. Please …stay away from us,” Mitsuki and Masaru didn’t blame the heroes or the teachers that shaped children into weapons, no matter how much they were justified in doing so. But they were angry, they were inconsolable, and they wanted someone to blame for their son's death.
“He died doing what he loved-“
“Don’t tell us that. I know you think you’re helping but you’re not. Telling us that is just like rubbing salt in a wound. All I’m asking is that you leave me and my wife alone for now. We’ll decide if and when we’re ready to talk to you,”
What Katsuki loved . Shouto noticed the way they already spoke of Katsuki in past tense. It struck something in him. A drop fell on his shirt, he thought the rain stopped. Shouto looked up at the dark sky, cloudy but it wasn’t raining. He wiped his cheek and followed the trail of tears to his eyes, he wiped those too. He hadn’t realized he was crying. His lip was quivering and he bit it in an attempt to stop it before anyone saw it.
Katsuki hates the rain. Hated .
Shouto remembered the first time he noticed how much Katsuki hated the rain. He walked out of the building after his and Katsuki’s training and noticed the rain. He heard Katsuki grumbling as he opened his umbrella, of course, he was prepared. Katsuki noticed the staring.
“What are you looking at? Forgot your umbrella?”
“Don’t need it,” Shouto shrugged and looked away at the pouring rain, it looked like it wouldn’t stop any time soon.
“Dumbass,” Katsuki laughed before he looked around them and then back at Shouto. “Come here, idiot. We’ll share mine,”
“Are you-,”
“Hurry up before I change my mind,”
The walk back to Heights Alliance was quiet as the two pressed close to each other to avoid the rain. The silence was only broken when they arrived and Katsuki began to shake off the water from his umbrella.
“You don’t like rain?” Shouto looked at Katsuki’s slightly furrowed eyebrows.
“Nothing to like about it,”
“ What ?” Katsuki noticed Shouto’s silence and turned towards him. He was met with a half smile on Shouto’s face.
“You’re like a cat,”
“What the fuck-, did you hit your head?”
“You don’t like rain, they don’t either,” Shouto spoke as if everything he said was a fact. “Both cute and aggressive sometimes too,”
“Whatever. I’ll see you later, Halfie,” Katsuki had pink high on his cheeks and ears as he walked away.
Shouto craved another moment with Katsuki. He wanted to have the conversation they were supposed to.
Katsuki was wrong. It was too quiet in the dorms. They were naive, they should’ve known that the silence wouldn’t protect them from the inevitable tears and mourning.
Shouto found out what Katsuki had with him when his heart exploded a week after it happened. It was a miracle they never fell out considering how much he moved around when he fought.
At the time of his death, Bakugou Katsuki had four objects in his pockets. He had an old picture of his parents smiling as they hugged him with a cake in front of them. Shouto couldn’t look at Katsuki’s parents without his vision blurring with tears. It was easier to avoid them as much as he could, they were too much like Katsuki.
Katsuki also had a picture of all their classmates together. Shouto pretended not to see how drastically everyone had changed. In the picture, they were happy, though not everyone smiled. That day had been one of the best for the whole class. Shouto’s vision blurred for the millionth time after he saw the picture. Katsuki claimed he hated everyone yet he carried a folded picture of them into battle.
The All Might card was completely covered in blood and dirt by the time they found it. Izuku burst into tears when he found out. No amount of comfort from any of their friends was enough to stop him. By that point, everyone’s eyes were puffy and red from the past days.
The final item was a crumpled-up list. A to-do list. It was labeled ‘Just in case’.
One. Tell the old hag and dad how much I love them.
Shouto couldn’t avoid Katsuki’s parents forever. When he saw them he immediately saw the dark circles under their eyes. Mitsuki had stray tears that occasionally carved paths down her face. Masaru looked paler, his arm and shoulder were constantly held by Mitsuki. They were all they had left.
Two. Tell the idiots how much I care. Force them to promise to stay safe.
Class 1-A had lost one of their greatest students. They lost one of their greatest friends. The other students were injured but alive. There were several broken bones, severe burns, and deep cuts but they were there. The psychological scars would affect them all for years, they lost so much that it felt as if they hadn’t won in the end.
Katsuki’s closest friends were especially distraught. More often than not Shouto heard cries in the middle of the night as he roamed the empty hallways. While before they were the happiest and loudest, Katsuki’s friends were eerily silent. On occasions, they spoke and attempted to fill the silence but failed as the silence once again engulfed them.
Three. Properly apologize to him.
Izuku was bedridden for many days before the news was confirmed to him. Shouto was the only one to volunteer to tell him. His voice was shaky and he was glad his tears made it hard to see, he didn’t think he would have been able to see Izuku’s reaction. The list didn’t say specifically who Katsuki wanted to apologize to but it didn’t have to be said. Izuku knew Katsuki was sorry, Izuku wished he was there so he could tell him he forgave him a long time ago. Izuku was the first person to know Katsuki, he was the first of the class to reach out to Katsuki’s parents, and he was the first one to reassure everyone they would be okay.
Four. Tell Halfie about my stupid feelings.
Shouto felt eyes on him as the last task on the list was read. Sympathetic words and looks were thrown at him but he didn’t pay attention. He had spent the past days wishing he had kissed Katsuki sooner because then he could have had more time with him. Maybe if he had told him earlier they would have had more than a couple of kisses. Maybe they could have dated, maybe they would have gone on dates, maybe they would have actually told each other their feelings.
Shouto cried that night.
He felt as if another good thing was taken from him. He felt robbed. Shouto grieved for his friend who was taken before he could truly live his life as he was meant to. Katsuki shouldn’t have been taken. He still had so much left to see, he had a life full of experiences that were waiting for him. Katsuki had a promising career. He had loving parents and friends that waited for his return. He had so many words that were left unspoken.
Convallaria majalis
Known for its sweet scent and bell-shaped flowers.
Time passed slowly with the absence of Katsuki. His funeral was held and the world eventually moved on. The world had lost a great hero but they had tasks to complete other than grieving. Laughter and smiles returned to the class's lives after long periods full of tears and silence.
Occasionally there would be a trigger that sent some of them back to the first step of grievance. For the most part, they managed to heal. Shouto healed physically and mentally and grew closer to Katsuki’s parents.
Shouto was happy. It was a warm, sunny day. He walked down the street with Izuku as they caught up with each other’s hectic life. Shouto smiled before he noticed spikes of blonde hair ahead of him and Izuku.
“Katsuki?” Shouto paused and spoke barely loud enough for Izuku to hear, much less the man in front of them.
The man was approached by his friend and turned towards Shouto, he looked nothing like Katsuki. It wasn’t Katsuki. It would never be Katsuki.
“I feel like I can still see him sometimes too,” Izuku squeezed Shouto’s shoulder and they continued their walk towards a restaurant to meet their other friends.
That night Shouto allowed himself to think about Katsuki. He tried to remember his voice, his laughter, his smell. Shouto’s eyes welled up with tears as he realized he had forgotten nearly everything. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t recall the exact way Katsuki’s voice sounded. He couldn’t remember the way his natural sweet scent smelled mixed with his cologne. Shouto had tried with all his might to remember any details about Katsuki, but he had no success.
Shouto tried desperately to grab onto any shreds he had left of Katsuki’s memory, in fear that he would one day be completely forgotten.
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Just in case:
Tell the old hag and dad how much I love them.Tell the idiots how much I care. Force them to promise to stay safe.Properly apologize to him.Tell Halfie about my stupid feelings.
- They know. I don’t say it often enough, but they know.
- They know too. They’re strong and smart. They don’t need me telling them to stay safe. I believe in them.
- Now is not the time. He’s overwhelmed as it is. He knows I’m sorry. I’ll do it later.
- He’s going through enough already. Another time. He needs to know I love him no matter what.
These aren’t fucking excuses. I don’t need a “just in case” list. We’re going to win and I will do these in my own time. I have the rest of my life to do it. I need to focus on the battle ahead. When we get back we’ll be able to sleep soundly.