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Maybe by then... I won't.
Those words uttered by Gen on the bleachers, indicating that she's ready to leave her boyfriend, and the deafening silence from Peter that follows is all Lara Jean can hear as she roams around the school hallways alone, not seeing, or even caring, where she's going. Suddenly, she sees him at the other end of the corridor, clearly looking for her. She really can't talk to him right now so she turns on her heels and rounds the next corner, but not before he catches a glimpse of her and calls her name. She moves faster and manages to round two more corners before he catches up with her.
"Covey, wait! Didn't you hear me calling you?"
She keeps moving briskly without looking at him. "I'm in a hurry. You need something?"
"Hey, would you stop!" He moves ahead of her to stop her. "Come on! What do you think people are gonna say when they see my girlfriend running away from me?"
She pauses, but then just walks pass him. "I don't know, what do you think people are gonna say when they hear you're practically begging to get back with Gen on the bleachers?" She knows that that might not have been the smart thing to say but she's really having a hard time thinking straight right now.
This takes him by surprise and he gets defensive. "Oh so you're spying on me now?"
"Not intentionally." She sees that they have ended up in a deserted part of the school and it hits her that there's no other way out of this. "Look, Peter... I don't think either one of us thought that this was going to go on for this long, OK? But Josh and I are cool, Gen's officially jealous. I think we need to call it."
The fuck! Is she serious?! "I cannot believe you're trying to break up with me before the ski trip! That's in the contract!"
"Only if we're still together."
"We are still together! You're just trying to pull out because you're scared."
She can't believe her ears. Scared? Is that what he thinks she is? He really has no clue what he's doing to her, has he? "No, Peter, I'm not scared, I'm just tired of this lie. Sneaking around. Pretending to be something we're not. It might not be effecting you but I can't do this anymore."
"The contract says—"
With a grunt of frustration, she reaches into her bag and takes out the piece of paper and holds it up to him. "You mean this contract?" She tears it apart into pieces right in front of his eyes. "There! It's gone. No more contract. Anything else?"
The gut-wrenching punch she just dealt him renders him speechless. This can't be happening now. He had a whole plan. They were suppose to sit together on the buss where he was going to surprise her with her favorite snacks from the Korean grocery store. They would spend a whole day on the slopes, laughing and having fun in the snow, then he was going to confess his feelings for her afterwards over cups of hot chocolate and asks her to be his girlfriend for real. He was sure she felt something for him. The way she opened up to him, shared things with him and let him into her life. Was it all really just an act? He shared his deepest thoughts and secrets with her, bared his vulnerable side to her. That really meant nothing to her?
"Why are you doing this?" He asks in a small, broken voice.
"Because I'm tired." She really does sound tired and feels the sting of tears in her eyes, but she doesn't want to shed them, not in front of him. This is way harder than she thought it would be but she has to do it. She fell for him. Hard. And every time he looks at her, with those beautiful, soulful eyes that she easily gets lost in, it just reminds her that he's not hers. Every time he says something to her that makes it sound like they are actually together, her heart gets a new fracture because she wishes it was real. And she's tired of having her heart break a thousand times a day. She can't keep torturing herself like this. If she can't have him, then she has to get over him.
"I'm sorry, Peter, but I really can't do this anymore. I truly wish for you to be happy." On impulse, she gives him a small kiss on his cheek then walks away without looking back, because she really can't let him see her tears, now running freely.
He doesn't know why he let Trevor convince him to come to this stupid ski trip after Lara Jean had bailed out on him. He really should've stayed home. He managed to give his friends the slip and spent the day skiing on his own, trying to burn away his hurt and self pity on the slopes. He was hoping that the party tonight would help him forget but even then he apparently couldn't get drunk the right way. So he slipped out to come sit alone in the hot tub, thinking about how he wouldn't be such a mess now if he had never gotten that goddamn letter.
"All by yourself out here?"
Shit! Guess being left alone was too much to ask for. "Came to gloat, Gen?"
"I came to see if you wanted some company."
He shrugs. What does it matter now anyway?
He stirs when he hears water splashing. He looks up to see that Gen had taken off her bathrobe and was climbing into the tub in her black and red bikini that only enhances the perkiness of her breasts and the smooth roundness of her hips. She's fucking perfect, there's no denying that. Flawless. A supermodel whose picture belongs on the cover of a magazine, and few weeks ago, this is exactly how he was hoping the ski trip would go.
When she sits next to him and rests her chin on his shoulder, he doesn't move away. Why should he? Lara Jean made it absolutely clear that she doesn't want him so he might as well enjoy this guilt-free.
Slowly, Gen nuzzles his neck and touches his face to turn it to her, and then starts kissing him. He doesn't do much at first but doesn't resist either. Fuck it! What do they say? The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? Might as well try it.
Peter brings up his hand to Gen's neck and throws himself into the kiss passionately, purposefully trying to be consumed by it. His need becomes more urgent and his hands more insistent, leaning over her and scorching her skin with searing lips.
She moans loudly and presses herself onto him. "Yes, baby! I know what you need. Let me give it to you."
The words nag at the back of his mind. What he needs? The connection? The closeness? The feeling of being understood and seen?... and accepted? The only one who had ever given him those things is Lara Jean. Lara Jean, who's not here.
Suddenly, he's hit by how wrong all of this feels.
Finally coming to his senses, he pulls away to see Gen's face, eyes hooded and lips chasing his. "I... I can't do this."
"Do what, baby?" She's still breathing heavily through her confusion.
He lets go of her completely and puts a good distance between them.
"What are you doing?"
"This... this is not right." He swallows hard and looks very contrite. "I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry. I— I have to go."
He practically jumps out of the hot tub, only vaguely aware that he should be careful not to slip and break his neck.
"What the—?! No! You can't do this to me." By now, Gen is really angry. "I came to you. I forgave you. You don't get to just leave!"
He looks back with pained eyes. "I really am sorry, Gen. You're amazing, really... but... you're not her." He walks away quickly, not wanting to see his betrayal on her face. He knows that what he just did and said was shitty, because no matter what Gen had done, he was taught to be better than that. But he just can't stay there and act like he's into whatever was about to happen. What the fuck is wrong with him? He's a single, 16 year old boy with raging hormones who hadn't had any in a very long time now, and a beautiful, sexy girl is right there and willing, promising him everything that would blow any guy's mind. This should've been the easiest choice he would ever make yet all he could think about is how it wasn't Lara Jean's lips kissing him and not her hands caressing his body, holding him to her. This can't be what he's been reduced to, desperately trying to grasp at the ghost of a girl who had known him, and then rejected him.
But no! This can't be it. It's not all just in his head. She let him into her house, trusted him with her little sister, felt safe enough to lie down and sleep in his arms. She told him about her mom. She said that he's the only one she had shared this with and he's sure she wasn't lying.
No! It's not over. He won't let it be. Before this, he was invited to the Covey's Christmas party. He's going to go, and he's going to tell her how all of this has been real to him for a long time now. She has feelings for him, he knows it. And he'll get her to confront them. He'll have to.
Lara Jean is lying in her bed, trying to change the picture of Peter on her lock screen but can't seem to bring herself to do it. Very stupid really. He's out skiing with Gen right now, just like he wanted. Just like it should be. Because they make sense, don't they? Genevieve Mitchell and Peter Kavinsky. Both hot, popular and the dream of every boy and girl at their school. They just fit together, even when it comes to their heights. Unlike her with Peter. She's so tiny compared to him, and not just physically. So many times, she would walk pass someone and their eyes would scream 'what does he see in her?'. She has to admit, they have a point. She has no idea how so many people were fooled into thinking that they were a real couple. Her and Peter couldn't be more different. He's an athlete who can be friends with anybody and she's a home girl who likes to bake for fun. He's out there being the life of the party while she watches Golden Girls marathons with her nine year old sister. So yes, this is definitely for the best. Let it end now before getting over him becomes impossible. Although sitting here, looking at his picture, she has to wonder if this ship has already sailed.
With the notion of someone ripping off a band-aid, she clicks on a picture of her with her sisters to replace his on the lock screen.
"Lara Jean! your mail!" Kitty calls, throwing a bunch of envelopes on the foot of her bed before flying down the stairs.
Lazily, Lara Jean reaches for them. Most of them are members' letters from scrap booking and baking magazines, but hidden among them, stuck to the back of the large, red letter from Baking&Snack, there's a brown envelop with her name and address handwritten on it. Her eyes pop wide when she opens it and it's from John Ambrose McClaren. It's been so long since the letters were sent out and she hadn't heard from him so she had assumed that his letter was lost in the mail.
Dear Lara Jean,
I couldn't believe when I opened that letter and it was from you. It's been, what? Five years since we've seen each other? Not that I'm mad or anything. I was so happy to get it.
I can't believe how mature you were at 11. When I was 11, my mom was still putting out snacks for me after school, but here you were with all these complex thoughts and emotions.
Reading your letter reminded me of that time that we both got locked out after school. I remember we went to the Robertson's treehouse and read Harry Potter until it got dark. If I had written you a love letter back then, it would've just said something like, "I like reading with you. You're really pretty." But your letter was so much more than that.
I guess what I’m most curious about is why you decided to send me the letter after all this time. So if you want to call me, or email me, or write me, please do.
Yours
John Ambrose
Waw. The letter is as sincere as she remembers the person behind it. It's very sweet of him to write back even if it's been a while. She should answer him too. It would be rude not to.
Dear John Ambrose,
Thank you for writing back. I was so happy to get your letter but I would like you to know that, while I did write the letter you received, I had never meant for it to be sent out and as of now, I still don't have an explanation of how that happened. Having said that, I'm glad that it put me back in touch with you.
I remember that day in the treehouse. It got so late that when I went home, I was in so much trouble because no one knew where I was.
I think it would be fun to catch up. If you happen to be close by, we can get coffee? The Miller's bookstore has a nice corner where you can have delicious brownies while you read.
Sincerely,
Lara Jean Covey
When Lara Jean posts the letter in the morning, she's not really expecting him to contact her right away, but by lunch time the next day, she gets a text from him.
JAM: Free this afternoon for a brownie and a nice book?
It puts a smile on Lara Jean's face. He really is sweet.
LJ: Meet you there at 4?
JAM: I'll be the one with a copy of War and Peace and a fedora hat 😉
They sit there for hours, talking about their lives, school, childhood memories. They even get into a debate about Pride&Predigest of all books. John Ambrose is smart, goofy in an endearing way and Lara Jean hadn't felt this intellectually stimulated in a very long time. For the first time in a long time, her mind isn't buzzing trying to figure out if he means what he's saying or if the way he's looking at her is genuine and not just an imitation of feelings that aren't there. It's nice, actually. The clarity of knowing what this is.
That week, they end up meeting twice more and she invites him to their Christmas party. Her stomach twists when she's doing it because it makes her think of Peter, but she's sure that he won't be showing up anyway. Why would he when he could be hooking up with his girlfriend? She pushes that thought aside quickly because it still stings.
Peter has been preparing all day. He found a recipe online for fruitcake cookies that he thought he could follow and the good batch is now laid neatly in a nice cookie box. He got her a bouquet of her favorite flowers and put on his navy blue sweater he knows she likes - because its material is so soft, she had told him. When he gets to the Covey's, it's already dark but every light in the house is on and he can hear Christmas music getting louder as he gets closer.
Suddenly, the front door bursts open and Lara Jean emerges from it, laughing and dragging someone behind her. His smile splits his face the moment he sees her and his stomach makes excited flips. But that excitement turns quickly into confusion when he recognizes John Ambrose McClaren. It's been few years but there's no mistaking those features - this is definitely their John Ambrose McClaren. The heart-wrenching dread comes when he realizes that she's holding his hand and acting all couple-y. Then he sees his worst nightmare playing out in front of him in literal slow motion. Lara Jean and John lean into each other and kiss.
What he sees in movies when an earthquake hits and leaves complete and total destruction behind it is nothing compared to what Peter is feeling at this moment. The ringing in his ears overpowers all his other senses and he seems to be suffering from temporary paralyses. He has no idea how long he's been standing there but it's clear that they can't see him, because they're just sitting there talking on her porch, still laughing and holding hands.
As quietly as he can, Peter goes back to his car and drives away.
Back at his house, he walks straight up to his room, moving like a zombie. He lowers himself onto his bed and just lies there, still fully clothed in his shoes and coat. He stares at the ceiling and sees nothing. Feels nothing. There's no anger, or disappointment, or anything at all. He's just numb. Empty.
So this is how it's like when the world ends. Because there really is nothing left.
Right before lunch the first day back at school, Peter finds himself being dragged into the empty, windowless woodwork room by Trevor, who makes sure to lock the door behind them.
"What the hell, dude?"
Trevor eyes him with concern. "I heard a rumor. I think you should know about it."
Great! Not even a full day back in school and there's already a rumor about him with some girl. What did he do this time? Said 'good morning' to a girl he passed by in the hallway? Looked at one when she was standing in his way? As if any of these interactions have any meaning. But this is what people have always done, make up a whole story about him and whichever girl he happened to glance at simply because he was trying to watch where he's going. He never understood why but he still found those stories amusing while he was with Gen. He didn't care much for them when he was with Lara Jean though but now they feel particularly annoying.
"What rumor?" Peter asks, rolling his eyes with irritation. "Who did I fuck this time?"
"The rumor is not about you." Trevor looks like he's afraid to say it but still has to. "Word flying around that Lara Jean has a new boyfriend."
Oh. That.
Peter looks away but doesn't say anything. Somewhere deep down, he was still hoping that what he saw was a hallucination, a trick his mind was playing on him for some sick reason he hadn't figured out what it is yet. The large lump in his throat has been there ever since that Christmas party but having the reality of it confirmed now makes him feel like all his organs are being squeezed from the inside.
"You knew?" Trevor says, surprised.
Peter nods.
"Do you know who?"
"John Ambrose McClaren. I saw them kissing over Christmas." Peter's eyes are lifeless and his voice is devoid of any sentiment.
Not having heard that name in years, Trevor's jaw drops. Then he sees through the facade of stoicism and into the real state of his friend. He puts a hand on the back of Peter's head and pulls him to his shoulder. "I'm sorry, man. I know how you felt about her."
Hearing this and being hugged, all the emotions Peter has been suppressing for the past week erupt to the surface and he can no longer control the sobs. He finally breaks down and allows himself to be comforted by his best friend.
Lara Jean and Chris are on their way to their first class together when they see Gen and her entourage heading in the opposite direction towards them. Gen eyes Lara Jean with malignity and bumps her shoulder hard when she walks by, making Lara Jean drop her books.
"Bitch!" Chris calls after her while Lara Jean picks up her stuff.
"What's up with her?" Of course Lara Jean didn't expect to be friends with Gen, but she figured the hostility would ebb down after her and Peter had gotten back together and Lara Jean was no longer a threat.
"Probably still pissed that Kavinsky blew her off at the ski trip," Chris says dismissively.
"HE DID WHAT?!" Lara Jean turns so fast she almost drops her books again.
"You didn't hear? She climbed into the hot tub, completely naked, and threw herself at him but he wouldn't even let her get close. I heard he just pushed her away and left her there throwing a tantrum."
"Wait! So they're not back together?"
"Uhh, nope."
"Why didn't you tell me?!!" The frustration and anger are clear in Lara Jean's voice. It's been more than two weeks since the ski trip, how is this the first time she hears about this?
"I thought you would've heard by now. I mean, I wasn't on the ski trip so I didn't hear about it until after. I was going to tell you but when I saw you next, you were so excited about John so I thought it didn't matter. Wait!" Chris eyes Lara Jean with suspicion. "Does it matter? Because I told you I thought it was stupid that you broke it off with Kavinsky before the ski trip!"
Lara Jean is caught off guard. "Right. No. No, of course it doesn't." Of course it doesn't matter. What's wrong with her? She's with John Ambrose now. It doesn't matter whether Peter is back with Gen, this is none of her business anymore. Her and John Ambrose make way more sense than her and Peter ever could. She's happy now. Yes. She's happy, and that's that.
It's been few weeks since Lara Jean and John Ambrose got together. He would pick her up from school two or three times a week, they would go to the Miller's and have coffee and pastry while reading their favorite books or doing their homework. Lara Jean is enjoying their time together a lot. She really likes that he takes her book recommendation seriously and actually reads them and discusses them with her. She likes that every time they meet, he gives her a flower, a different kind each time; and she likes that he always asks about her family. She still catches herself missing Joan and Corner Café sometimes but she wouldn't suggest they go there because everything there reminds her of Peter and that's not something she allows herself to think about. She has even found herself missing hanging out with his friends. Sure, they were a rowdy bunch, loud and chaotic, but they were fun and energetic and surprisingly good-natured. But nah! Sports and the popular kids table have never been her scene. She fits much better here, in this quiet place, among the books she loves and with a boy who shares her interests and mannerism. Yes, this is where she's suppose to be. It's comfortable. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being comfortable.
John Ambrose always either texts her or calls her every night before he goes to bed. His texts are sweet and flattering and he always checks with her if it's a good time to call, not wanting to disturb her if she's busy. Lara Jean appreciates that a lot. They have an ongoing debate about their Hogwarts houses, hers is Hufflepuff and his is Ravenclaw. Every night, they would come up with one new argument each to make the case why their house is the better one. She can't imagine a more fun way to end her day.
But when she drifts off to sleep, she can't help that nagging feeling that something is missing. She tries to figure out what it is but she always comes up empty. She has combed through every single interaction she's had with John Ambrose, but she still can't find anything wrong he'd done, or said, or looked, or... anything. He adores her, respects her, treats her just the way she dreamed her boyfriend would. He's open, and honest, and has a very genuine smile that makes her think of spring flowers and light breeze rustling tree leaves. In spite of all that, she still can't really feel like herself around him. She's aware of the walls surrounding her but doesn't know how to take them down. She's a naturally inquisitive person yet she still hasn't asked him a single question that could put either of them on the spot, which is practically all she did with Peter. She misses how she could talk to him and ask him about anything. Even when he didn't like the question or didn't want to answer, Peter never made her feel like it wasn't her place to ask or that she should stop asking. She could even share with him things she didn't normally talk about and felt safe doing it even though he wasn't her boyfriend. And now she has one. For real this time. His name is John Ambrose and he's as kind, thoughtful and warm as she could've hoped for, yet no matter how hard she tries, she's still unable to open up to him the way she seems do have done so effortlessly with Peter.
They are still in the same school so of course she would run into him here and there. They've exchanged few clipped words and stiff conversations. She tries to avoid him but she could never stop herself from looking when she thinks no one is paying attention, taking in the wavy nature of his curls, the rigidity of his shoulders, the rough lines on his hands. She even sneaks a peak at the lacrosse field during practice, telling herself that she's curious about the game but really, she just wants to see him, to feel his presence.
When John Ambrose picks her up after school, he's so excited because he's going on a model UN event soon.
"Why don't you come?" He tells her. "We'll go out for dinner afterwards. There's this place I know you'll love. The dining area is decorated like a flower garden in the Netherlands and the danish pastries there are delicious. We can take a walk in the park, there's a section there where cats would come out and cuddle at your feet and you can hold them and pet them. Wouldn't you like that?"
Everything he's saying sounds amazing, like a dream date come true. But it just makes it that much harder to go along with it. The more charming he is, the more she's reminded that this is not what she wants and then feels bad because she can't think of a reason why it's not. This is not fair. It's not fair to her. It's not fair to him. He deserves to be with someone who appreciates him for the wonderful person he is and not spend every second wishing that he was someone else.
"John Ambrose..."
He sucks in a breath and sits straighter behind the wheel. Looking straight ahead, and with the tone of someone who has already given up, he says, "It's Peter, isn't it?"
"What—" She turns her head in surprise. She hadn't told him about Peter because they weren't really together so it didn't seem relevant. But looking at John Ambrose profile now, she realizes that this is yet another lie she had told herself.
"How did you know?" She croaks, the overwhelming guilt makes the words catch in her throat.
"I've seen the way you look at each other in the parking lot."
When Lara Jean doesn't say anything, he makes a right turn where he's suppose to go straight. They stay silent the rest of the way.
"Can I ask you one thing?" He says when he stops outside her house.
"Anything." She owes him at least that.
"Did I even have a shot?"
She can't look at him, the shame of what she's done burns her face. "I'm sorry." Her voice is small and mousy.
At school, she doesn't have the capacity to socialize and talk to people. And she definitely doesn't want to run into Peter. Finally admitting to herself how strongly she still feels about him makes seeing him hurt even more. Knowing what she wants now doesn't change the fact that he's not hers and never has been. It just means that she'll have to get over him for real before she allows herself to start a new relationship. So in her quest to hide from everyone and everything, she goes to the library and finds a table in a secluded aisle in the back where she can have a book open in front of her so people would think she's busy and leave her alone. It works well enough, but the quietness also allows her to hear a whispered conversation between two girls hidden from her view by the bookshelves between them. She's too in her head to actually register what they're saying but when she catches Peter's name, she stirs and starts listening intently.
- Both Mel and Chloe asked him out but he said no.
- I heard he's getting notes in his locker every day but he's not going after any of them.
- I heard even Gen was DM:ing him nonstop that he had to block her.
- He dropped his phone in Math the other day and it landed right under Didi's desk. She said it had Lara Jean's picture on it.
Wait! Peter still has her picture on his phone? What does that mean? Is he thinking about her? Why? They weren't together for real, it was all for show.
- Still? It's been what? A couple of months?
- She said it was a cute picture, asleep together on a couch.
Lara Jean is very still but her insides rail. She knows what picture that was. They've been watching a movie with Kitty and they fell asleep. She has no idea how they ended up lying there with his arm around her, but that picture has been seared into her brain. By now, she had spent several hours staring at it, memorized every line, every eyelash and every curve of the arm wrapped around her, securing her on his chest. They both looked peaceful, relaxed and natural, like they belonged together. Could that mean what she thinks it means? Was he feeling something for her too? Does he still?
It takes her until the weekend to muster the courage to go to his house. She remembers from their fake dating days that he's usually home alone on Saturday mornings. With his mom in the store and his brother playing basketball with his friends, Peter takes the time to catch up on the homework he doesn't have time for during the week because of lacrosse practice.
She knocks on the door with shaking hands. It takes him a long time to open, and when he does, he looks... terrible. Eyes bloodshot, hair a mess, his clothes hanging loosely.
"What do you want?"
"Uhh... can we talk?"
He snorts. "What do we possibly have to talk about, Lara Jean?" His tone is mocking and hurtful. Immediately, he feels bad and moves away to let her in.
She follows him into the kitchen where he takes out two cans of soda from the fridge. He hands one to Lara Jean then opens his own and downs half of it in one go. He looks at her and cocks his head like he's saying, 'You wanted to talk, so talk.'
Lara Jean had prepared a speech, launching into an apology and then a confession, but his attitude makes her re-consider and she starts to feel like this might have been a mistake.
Not knowing what to say, she blurts out, "I know you still have my picture on your phone."
His body becomes rigid instantly and he looks like she just punched him in the gut. "Right. Yeah, of course, I'll delete it now." He takes out his phone intending to delete it, but she stops him.
"No, that's not— that's not why I'm here."
"Then why are you here?"
"Umm..." He's really not making this easy but she makes a new attempt anyway. "John Ambrose and I broke up."
He stares at her for few heartbeats, then bursts out laughing, a laugh so cold and mirthless it makes her cringe. She takes a step back, swallowing her tears, knowing now that coming here was definitely a huge mistake.
"So you thought what? That you'd come over and deliver the good news and I'll what? Jump up and down from happiness and beg you to take me back?"
She shakes her head, too paralyzed to move an inch or say a word.
"Then what? You dumped me and not even a week later you jumped into someone else's arms, like what we had was nothing. So what exactly did you come here expecting me to do, Lara Jean?"
"It wasn't real," she whispers, barely audible.
"Wasn't what?"
"It wasn't real." She raises her voice an octave so he can hear. "We weren't real."
"Oh, give me a break! You want to pretend that it was all an act so you don't have to feel guilty go right ahead, but don't pull that shit on me. I don't deserve that."
They are silent for a moment, neither knowing what to say.
"So what did Sundance Kid do anyway? Didn't learn how you take your coffee? Didn't watch your favorite romcoms with you? Didn't tell you how smart and beautiful you are every day?"
A wave of nausea hits Lara Jean, because she just realized that Peter had done all those things. For her.
"He did." She says softly, not daring to meet his eyes.
He scuffs. "Then what could possibly the smart, eloquent, well-spoken intellectual, cultured, great—"
He's mocking her, and maybe she deserves it, but she can't take the venom in his voice any more.
"HE WASN'T YOU!"
That stops him in his tracks and for the very first time, he looks taken aback.
"There! I said it! Happy now? John Ambrose was perfect. If I had dreamed up a boyfriend into life, it would've been John Ambrose. He did everything imaginable right. He only had one, single, tiny, little flaw and it was that he wasn't you. I didn't end it with you because I didn't want to be with you, I ended it because it got too hard to be around you knowing that I'll have to give you up soon." She really can't stop her tears now and she doesn't know if they are falling because she's angry or because she's hurt, but she's on a roll already and can't seem to be able to stop herself. "Every time I saw you being nice to Kitty, every time you told me I looked pretty, every time you brought me a fresh doughnut, or... or gave me your hoodie when I was cold or put my favorite ketchup on your fries. Every time, it was a reminder of what I didn't have. And I wanted it all. I wanted everything with you. But we signed the contract and you never said anything to the contrary so how was I suppose to know?!" Every syllable that's coming out of her mouth now is delivered with a hefty dose of rage and asperity. "So yes, when I heard Gen saying that she was ready for you to get back together and you didn't say anything, I knew it was over and waiting for you to end it felt like waiting for the guillotine to come down so I reached over and cut it loose myself!"
Peter is standing there with his mouth hanging open. It's a lot to take in. The realization that he had a hand in all of this is something he'll have to reckon with and the thought of all the notes he had written her tugs at the back of his mind, but he had figured out a long time ago that she never read them. One thought seems to take prominence though.
"You wanted to be with me?"
Her laugh is as bitter as his was chilling. "Yes, Peter. I fell for you. Again. Is that what you wanted to hear? Well, congratulations! You got it! Take that trophy with Goody Two-shoes Lara Jean's name on it and put it next to all the others! Celebrate your conquest! Collect on that bet! Do whatever you wanna do with it!" She stops talking but her chest continues to heave and for a minute, it looks like the sparks flying from her eyes are going to set something on fire. But then she deflates and says, "This was a mistake, I shouldn't have come here. Sorry to have bothered you on your day off." She turns on her heels and leaves promptly.
At the door, she can hear him say, "Wait, don't go," but she doesn't stop. She's been rejected by him so many times now but this time it might actually kill her. So she keeps walking.
Before she reaches the driveway, he tears open the door and yells after her, "I love you!"
She freezes on the spot. He comes behind her but she doesn't dare to turn around.
"You asked me once if I ever was in love and I said I didn't know. I know now and I'm more sure of it than I've ever been sure about anything in my life. I'm in love with you, Lara Jean. Only you."
She tentatively turns around and is meet with his eyes, so earnest and determined.
"You can choose not to believe it but I'm going to keep saying it because it's true. I love you and I don't want to be with anyone else. I tried but I couldn't even imagine it. I love you and I wanted to—"
She effectively shuts him up by pressing her lips to his and he responds immediately, pulling her into him and kissing her like he had never kissed anyone before. The hurricane that has been raging inside him for months is finally settling down into peaceful calmness, because Lara Jean is in his arms again. Everything in the world is right again.
Epilogue
It's been a couple of weeks since Lara Jean and Peter have gotten together for real but they are still emitting the delirious happiness that makes everyone around them both glad and irritated at the same time.
Walking into her house after school, Lara Jean puts her hand in her coat-pockets to check them before taking it off. She smiles at Peter when she feels a piece of paper, knowing it must be a note from him. Peter smiles back and gestures for her to read it.
I'm watching you on the tracks right now. You look gorgeous
Lara Jean blushes, remembering how she jumped him there almost half a year ago right after he confronted her about the letter. She pouts. "I wish I didn't throw away all the notes from before."
He gives her a look. "What did we say?"
They both say it in unison, "New beginning," and smile.
They have talked about the notes he had written her and Lara Jean had thrown away because she thought they were empty scarps of paper. It was another few hours of regret and self-blame over how a lot of the confusion and heartbreak might have been avoided if Peter had just made it clear that the notes were for her and if Lara Jean had just read them; but they promised each other that they won't waste time wallowing about the past.
When they settle on the couch, Kitty starts edging closer carefully, clearly hiding something behind her back.
"Lara Jean, please don't be mad at me," Kitty says hesitantly.
"Well, I don't think I have any more letters for you to send out, so..."
Kitty winces and looks down at her shuffling feet. Peter looks at Lara Jean like he's saying 'Come on, she's just a kid'.
Lara Jean sighs. "Sorry, Kitty. I didn't mean that. What's up?"
Eager for a chance to redeem herself, Kitty talks fast. "See, I saw them in your trash and it looked like you hadn't opened them. And I thought maybe one day you'll change your mind, so I fished them out every day and saved them for you."
Lara Jean is confused. "What are you talking about?"
Kitty brings Lara Jean's hatbox from behind her back, hands it over, then runs up the stairs quickly, leaving them alone.
Lara Jean opens the lid and finds a lot of small pieces of paper. All the notes Peter had written her when they were fake dating.
"Oh my god! I can't believe she did that!" Lara Jean looks at them like it's a treasure - because to her, they are.
"Everyday, I owe that kid more," Peter says, himself too is moved by the act.
Lara Jean giggles. "Don't tell her that. You won't hear the end of it."
He shrugs. "She brought us together in the first place." He can't help but lean in and kiss her, enjoying the glassy look she still gets after every time. "Why don't you go ahead and read them?"
Carefully, Lara Jean takes out the notes and starts reading them, one by one. Sometimes, they are self explanatory. Sometimes, Peter tells her about the context and what he was thinking when he wrote them. He wishes that she had been reading them, but the good thing about this is that now he gets to watch her do it for the very first time, every note bringing her closer to understanding how deeply, completely and irrevocably in love with her he is. She hasn't said it back yet but that's OK, he knows she feels the same way. She'll say it when she's ready.