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Chapter Text

It all started innocently enough. Darcy Lewis had interrupted Thor and Steve's training session, smiling big and carrying two colorful gift bags.

"Hi guys, miss me yet?"

"Darcy?" Thor mutters surprised.

Steve wears a matching look of disbelief. "Hey, we thought you'd left already!"

"Nah, still here. I do have a plane to catch in a bit, but before I go, I wanted to give you two a little something I've been working on."

"A parting gift? How unexpected! We thank you, Lady Darcy, for your kindness."

"Yea thanks, you really shouldn't have gone through the trouble."

She hands them their bags, looking bashful all of a sudden. "It's nothing really. I've been playing around with some software and thought it'd be fun to design both of you your own t-shirts. It's cheesy, I know, but I hope you'll like 'em."

Darcy waits anxiously as first Thor reaches into his bag and pulls a folded shirt out of wrapping tissues. Holding it up he reveals an all-black tee with an interwoven crimson and bronze design of Mjölnir's symbol across the chest; beneath it in electric blue were three oddly shaped characters.

"Why Darcy, this is splendid! And it bears my name in the old tongue."

Steve leans over to peer at the shirt from around Thor's shoulder, "It does? Which language?"

"Norse Runes…" Darcy offers as explanation, "It's an ancient text that uses all these really cool, funky lookin' pictographs. I admit I had Erik help me a bit with the translation ... I hope it's accurate."

"It translates beautifully, Darcy." Thor beams, admiring the shirt once again, "I adore it and will treasure it always."

Twice more curious than he already was, Steve digs into his own bag full of tissues and pulls out his shirt. It's a crisp navy blue and has an antiquely tarnished illustration of his original triangular WWII shield depicted on the front. The SSR's eagle emblem is perched proudly on top of said shield.

"Hey, will you look at that! And I thought everyone forgot I ever welded this lil beauty." Steve exclaims, referring to the vintage shield.

"I figured you'd appreciate a little nostalgia. Plus, I heard Coulson once say this was the shield you had in USO shows and the one you used on your very first mission."

Steve smiles, a fond faraway look in his eyes, "True, it was mostly for show, but it got me out of a tough spot later on. Anyway, thank you, Darce, this looks great. I didn't even know you could do something like this."

"Neither did I. You are very talented." Thor agrees.

"Meh, I took a couple of graphic design classes before I stuck with poli sci, but I'm glad they're good for something."

"Any skill or talent that you do well and choose to do in the service of another is a precious one." Thor says with solemn reverence.

"Exactly. And really, they look amazing, Darcy."

"Aww, c'mere you big blond lugs!" Darcy coos affectionately, "Makin' a gal feel all appreciated 'n' stuff."

Thor and Steve chuckle as they move in towards her outstretched arms until they have her caught between them in a one-armed embrace. She gives them each a final pat before her phone alarm sounds.

"Oops, that's mine. " She says, peeling away from their group hug, "Sorry, got that flight to make. So catch you later, Cap! See ya in London, Thor!

They both bid her a safe farewell and watch her make a mad dash for the exit, though they miss her lingering pause at the threshold.

Now that her back's to them, Darcy allows herself to smirk, barely able to conceal the devilish cackle erupting from her throat.

"Well, that was easy." She thinks in relieved triumph.

She had gotten away with it, but she silently wondered how long before they found out.

Lucky for her, she'd be miles away before they'd even notice.

Chapter Text

Thor and Steve probably wouldn't have thought anything was worth noticing about Darcy's kind gesture if it hadn't been for the odd behaviors of others whenever they wore her gifts. It first occurred when the two of them happened to be together both wearing their new shirts.

For the past week, they had been helping Stark organize a massive book donation for several local school libraries. Although Tony was out of state for the day, the pair had committed themselves to packing up the remaining piles of books and moving the crates to the lobby via service elevator where they'd be picked up by trucks the following morning.

Natasha walks in just as Thor was loading three stacks of crates onto a dolly.

"How's it coming along in here, boys?"

"Almost done with packing." Steve answers from his position on the floor.

"Great, well I've been texting Pepper and she asked me to do a quick crate count while I'm in here."

"Of course, do what you must, Lady Natasha." The Thunderer complies with a nod. He then kneels beside the Captain to begin filling another empty box with books.

So Natasha does just that, starting from the far side of the room first. For a while, her muttered counting and the slide and thump of piling books is the only sounds in the room. Soon there's a click of heels as she moves into the back of them to survey the collection of crates they're currently working on.

A few more seconds of relative silence go by until they hear the red head sniggering behind them.

"Something amuses you?" Thor finally asks, standing, then turning around.

"Lewis' sense of humor."

The crinkles on Steve's forehead deepen noticeably. "Huh?"

"Just sayin', as far as fashion statements go, I've never seen one put quite that way before."

Steve follows Thor's suit, rising to his feet as well and the two men glance at one another in momentary confusion.

"Gotta hand it to her though, it's pretty accurate, in an ironic sort of way. The first part's true enough, I suppose," Natasha pauses to rove an appraising eye over their forms, "…though it's a matter of taste for some." She adds, a sly grin fixed upon her features.

Thor grants her one of his polite smiles in reply, a sign that he didn't have the slightest clue what in the nine realms she spoke of.

Steve simply sighs, "Okay Nat, what are you on about?"

"Nothing you two should worry your sexy little heads over." The assassin answers, still grinning.

Both he and Thor's brows rise in harmony, "Uh… Excuse me?"

"Oh don't be modest, Cap." She huffs, "Trust me, it's too late for that. So, I'll leave you guys to it then."

And with that she slinks out the door without another word.

"A private jest between you, I imagine." Remarks Thor after she'd gone.

"Nope, I'm just as lost as you are, buddy. But I'll tell ya one thing,"

"Yes?"

"Whatever it is, the joke's on us."

Chapter Text

The odd interactions didn't end there, however.

Steve was alone this time, on his way home from his favorite diner. Trying his best to blend, he sported comfortable jeans, a baseball cap, and his new favorite shirt, courtesy of Darcy.

He's about to round the corner when he hears a female voice call out, "Excuse me, sir! Might I ask where you bought that shirt? My husband's turning 65 next week and it'd be the perfect gag gift."

Steve turns around and meets eyes with the gently graying woman in the pink jogging suit. He looks sheepish when he sees the recognition hit her.

"Why… you're Captain America!"

"Yes mam, that's me." Steve admits, taking off his hat and giving her a proper view of that trademark face.

"Oh, I'm sorry…wow… I didn't expect to… uh, I'm sorry." The woman mumbles, clearly starstruck. "It's such an honor to see you in person, Captain." She says at last, awkwardly sticking out a hand for him to shake.

Steve reciprocates the handshake, grip firm but gentle, "The honor is all mine, Mrs.…(?)"

"Mrs. Sutton. Mrs. Evie Sutton. Oh, how embarrassing…I'm trembling. It's just that this is so exciting! I, my husband, and even the grandkids love you. Especially my husband. You know his father used to collect all your comic books?"

"Ah, well thank you. I'm flattered." Steve says, beginning to feel a bit awkward himself.

"Ooh, um… do you think I could get your autograph for his birthday? He'd be so surprised! If you don't have the time I completely understand."

"No, of course. I'll be happy to! Do you have a pen?"

"Yes, in my purse here." She says, pulling it out with minimal fuss.

"Good," Steve takes it, "And would you like something in particular signed?"

"Uh… I hadn't thought of that…hmm…. I don't think I have…" She trails off as she starts to shuffle through her tote again.

"Hold on," Steve digs into his jeans for the unused diner napkin folded in his pocket, "I hope this'll do. Unless you found something better?"

"No that's perfect! You could sign the electric bill and he'd still be ecstatic." She titters.

Steve shares a chuckle with her, then braces the napkin on the surface of a nearby newspaper stand.

"And what's his name?"

"Frank. And it's his 65th birthday!" She supplies.

He writes his warmest birthday wishes to Frank from "Captain Steve Rogers" as legibly as he could on the half wrinkled sheet of napkin.

"There you go, mam."

Evie takes it, face flushed and too nervous to even look at what he'd wrote, "Thank you so much! It'll be a birthday he'll never forget, I'm sure of it! I might even give it to him early! But I won't hold up any more of your time, young man. It was so lovely meeting you."

"And same to you, Mrs. Sutton."

They shake hands once more and Steve's about to watch her cross the street when he's reminded of her earlier words.

"Wait! Mrs. Sutton! You were saying something about my shirt before?"

"Oh? Ohhh! Uh... never mind that." Mrs. Sutton blushes, "You have a nice day, Captain."

Only as an afterthought does Steve wonder why someone would be interested in a shirt they had yet to see the front of.

Chapter Text

Thor too would have his own peculiar experiences when wearing the shirt, except his occurred in the familiar presence of Tony Stark.

Thor's visit at Avenger's tower had been mostly made on Jane's behalf. The billionaire had proposed to fund her research and was offering the astrophysicist her own personal lab space for when she needed a more permanent location to conduct her studies. So far it was already filled with state of the art equipment: telescopes, spectrometers, hi-tech work stations, you name it.

Accompanied by Tony himself, Thor was currently there in the labs getting an early tour of the facilities since Dr. Foster's flight was yet to arrive from Iceland.

Everything had been going well until Tony asked him to lean down and check out some sample slides under a microscope. The instant Thor turned his back on him, the genius had went into a noisy coughing fit that sounded suspiciously like laughter. From that point onward, Tony had continued to act a lot more smug than usual- which was a personal record of smugness for Stark.  Plus every now and then he'd interrupt their conversation with outbursts of throat clearing which very well could have been more failed attempts to cover laughter.

By now the Mighty Avenger was not only beyond irritated, but perplexed. What had reduced Stark to such buffoonery? Unable to ignore it any longer, Thor questions the other man.

"Does science usually have such effects on you?"

The stupid grin is temporarily wiped off Stark's face. "What?"

"Without any cause to, you seem to be in unusually high spirits and frankly, it is growing quite tiresome."

The grin resurfaces in an instant, "Pardon my manners, Arm and Hammer, but seeing something funny will do that to a guy."

Thor frowns, "What could you have possibly found so humorous in this place?"

"Oh you'd be surprised." Answers Tony carefully.

Thor narrows his eyes. He can tell Stark is being purposely evasive.

Smiling wide, the Asgardian tries a new tactic, "Anthony, my friend, comrades mustn't keep such delights a secret! Care to share your good humor?"

"Uhhh…"

Just then, Tony spots Miss Potts' entrance, saving him from having to answer.

"Look who it is!" Stark motions over at a briskly approaching Pepper.

She acknowledges them both with a smile, "Hello again, Thor."

"Lady Pepper." Thor bows.

"The tour's running smoothly, I hope?"

"Everything's great!" Blurts Tony, a little too quickly.

Pepper doesn't notice. "Wonderful, well if you two are finished, would you gentlemen like to join me for lunch?"

"It would be my greatest pleasure, yet first, Anthony was to relay an amusing jest he heard not long ago. Were you not, Anthony?"

Thor cuts his eyes expectantly at Tony and Pepper does the same.

"Not another one of those god awful puns of his?"

"Nay, he assures me it will be utter hilarity. So please, Anthony, enlighten us t-"

Before Thor could get another word in edgewise, Tony had pulled Pepper in by her arms and was covering her lips with his own. Whatever it was she's trying to say tapers off into a disgruntled muffle.

The ambush of a kiss goes on too long for Thor's comfort, so he respectfully turns around and inspects the holographic star chart behind him more closely.

"Tony!" He hears Pepper shriek, obviously broken free from their impromptu smooch, "What on earth has gotten into you?!"

"Can't a guy greet his girlfriend with enthusiasm?"

"But in front of company?! Oh never mind, I'll deal with you later. Thor," Pepper begins, facing the thunder god's back, "I'm sorry, you can turn around no-." She cuts off abruptly.

Thor's hesitant turning around, half expecting her and Tony to be at it again, but she's merely watching him now.

From the quirk of her lips it's obvious she wants to giggle, but instead she asks, "Um, Thor… what was all that on the back of your…"

"Pep! Isn't there some paperwork somewhere you need me to sign?"

"Paperwork?" Distracted, she turns her attention away from the god and onto her boyfriend, "Since when do you care about paperwork?"

"Make yourself at home, big guy. I'll be back in a jiff." Tony tells Thor, then he's ushering Pepper away by the hand, whispering how it'll be funnier if he doesn't know.

Poor Thor is left standing puzzled in their wake.

Chapter Text

On the very same day it happens again to the Thunderer when he crosses paths with Former Agent Maria Hill on the elevators.

Hill had stepped into the opening elevator without taking her attention off the Stark Pad in her clutches.

"Good afternoon, Maria." Thor rumbles, making his presence known.

"Oh, hello, Thor." She greets him, eyes at last leaving the tablet, "Sorry, didn't see you there."

"No apologies necessary. What floor, milady?"

"Twenty-second, please."

Thor pushes off the back wall and goes for the panel in front of them. While he's keying in said floor, he can't help but notice the stifled snort Maria delivers from behind him.

"Is anything the matter?" The god asks, once again making eye contact.

Maria nods a head towards his outfit, "That's an…interesting shirt you're wearing there."

"Ah, indeed. This has quickly become one of my favorites." Thor replies, looking proud.

"Is it now? That's the one Miss Lewis made for you, right?"

"Aye it is."

"And she made one for Captain Rogers as well?"

"Something like it, yes."

"Hah," Maria chuckles, "That oughta be a sight."

Before he could ask her what she'd meant, the elevator dinged and she had already said her goodbyes and left.

---

Unfortunately, Steve hadn't had the last of his strange encounters either. He'd realize this during his stay at the Barton farm for dinner one weekend.

"Steve, we're so glad you could make it!" Laura had said once she'd opened the door to greet him on the porch.

"Well I'm happy to be here! Thanks again for the invitation, Mrs. Barton."

"It's Laura remember, and you're welcome. Please, do come in!"

Once inside, Steve lifts the carton he'd been carrying into her line of sight.

"I didn't want to come empty handed so I brought some pastries for dessert."

"How thoughtful! Those look delicious and the kids will love 'em, for sure. See sweetie, Steve brought us some pastries!" Laura addresses her son who'd just ambled over, peering curiously by her side. "You remember Steve, don't you Cooper? Say hello."

"Hi Steve!" The boy waves.

"Hey there, Coop."

"Clint's out in the barn working on sections of Cooper's treehouse." His mother explains, "He should be in here any second. Sweetie, how 'bout you go find your dad and tell him to wash up for dinner."

"Kay mom. See ya later, Cap'tn."

"See ya, sport!" Steve says, watching the young boy scoot out the front door, "So, Laura, how's Nathaniel?"

"He's gotten so big! You wouldn't believe how much he's grown already. He's in the play pen up from a nap if you'd like to see him."

"Sure I've been dying to… oh!" Steve startles when he feels something tugging on his pant leg. He looks down and finds a little girl in dark pigtails clutching to his trousers, her round eyes fixed on the bakery carton in his grasp.

"You brought goodies!" She squeaks up at him, "Can I have one?"

"Lila!" Her mother admonishes.

Steve smiles, stooping to the child's level, "I'd be happy to share some with you, but…" He switches to a stage whisper, "I think your mom would prefer if we waited 'till after dinner."

"Ohhhh yea…" Lila whispers back, giggling.

Steve gives her head a ruffle before rising to his feet.

"Oh, where are my manners. Let me just take these." Says Laura, confiscating the pastry box, "And please have a seat, Steve. You might wanna hang your jacket over there though; it's quite warm in here with the oven going."

Thus Steve sheds the leather jacket, revealing Darcy Lewis' infamous shirt, and finds a place for it on the nearest coat hook behind him.

"Mommy, what's a 'guh-eeee-zuuur'?" Steve hears a small voice ask behind him.

"Wha-" Laura's follows the gaze of her child, then suddenly her eyes go wide. "Shush honey, it's not polite to point."

Steve whips around and beholds the child pointing at him, of all people.

"But mommy it says right there..."

"I know, c'mon sweetie, let's go wash up now." Laura steers her daughter in the opposite direction and shoots Steve the most sympathetic grimace he'd ever seen. "Sorry... excuse us."

Even long after the dinner was over, Steve had a hard time understanding what exactly had transpired that evening in the foyer.

Chapter Text

If Steve was hoping for the day all would come to light, he'd get his big reveal soon enough.

In the early morning of the next day, he awakes to a pounding on his door. Groaning, he rolled over to catch a glimpse of his alarm clock—5:45 AM. Well, that wasn't so bad compared to his typical schedule. On any other morning he might have already been up, but another sleepless night had caused him to crawl into bed a few hours ago.

The super solider swings both feet off the bedside and tries to scrub away the drowsy feeling with the palms of his hands. As his muddled thoughts become clearer he realizes the knocking had yet to cease.

"Alright, alright... I'm comin'." Steve mumbles under his breath.

He shivers from the chill in the room- he is only in sleep shorts after all- so he grabs Darcy's gift, the nearest crumpled shirt off the dresser and hurriedly slips it over his neck. Its collar rises higher than usual on his throat, hence Steve knows in the back of his mind that he probably has the thing on backwards. No time to dwell on that now.

He makes it to the door in time to hear Sam Wilson's voice on the other side of it.

"Open up! I promise I'm not a murderer."

"Even murderers aren't that persistent." Steve quips, his voice still hoarse with sleep.

He unlocks the door and greets Sam with a tired smile. "Hey…"

"Steve, look I'm sorry to wake you at this hour, but I wouldn't have risked it if it wasn't important."

"Yea I figured it must be. Well come in. Let me turn on the hall light."

They shuffle inside and Steve pads for the light switch, "So I'm guessing the world isn't ending again since the rest of the team's not assembled."

"Nah, the world's safe, thank God." Sam chuckles, watching Rogers flip the switch. "But listen, I just spoke to one of my contacts and looks like there's a possible lead on your pal B—"

Mid-sentence Sam quiets, squinting brown eyes at the Captain, "Uh dude, what's with the t-shirt slogan?"

"Slogan?"

"Yea, the one you're advertising all over your chest."

Perplexed, Steve looks down at himself only to see a large string of upside down print.

"Hey...wait a minute! This wasn't…"

Dread rolls through Steve once he realizes the shirt was meant to be the other way around. "Oh no… what's it say?"

The helpless glance he flashes his friend is only met with boisterous laughter.

"C'mon Sam, I can't read it like this! What's it say!?"

Another glimpse at Wilson reveals he's stopped laughing long enough to pull out his smart phone. The shutter from its camera echoes throughout the hall.

"A picture is worth a thousand words, my man." Says Wilson at last, and indeed it was.

Steve gapes at those bold red and white letters glaring back at him mockingly from across Sam's screen and fights the urge to kick himself. How the hell did he not notice? And he'd been walking around for days like that, which explained a lot actually.

His jaw clinches when he thinks of the devious mastermind behind it all.

Damn that Darcy.

---

Some several days later, Thor was in London with his lovely Lady Jane when…

"Thor!? Umm, come in here for a second."

Thor ends his observance of the London skyline and beckons to the call of his lovely Lady Jane.

Leaving the balcony, he enters the bedroom full of folded clothes and laundry baskets.

"Yes my love?"

"Is this the one Darcy made you last week?" Jane asks, and now he can see she's currently examining that very shirt.

"That is the one, yes."

"I'm gonna guess you didn't know about this."

She holds it up towards him and she can almost trace the donning shock on Thor's face once he registers what it reads.

"I…I do not understand. She did not tell us she had inscribed this side of it."

Jane's hand slips up to subdue the threat of a giggle, "Babe, I think Darcy's played you guys. In fact, she's probably been somewhere this whole time laughing her ass off."

Still stunned, Thor takes the shirt from Jane's possession and drapes it over his chest, back facing front.

"That cunning little minx! We must have looked ridiculous! And yet we continuously failed to notice."

"Yea… I know the feeling." Grumbles Jane, "She once tricked me into wearing a hoodie that said, 'Makin' nerds sexy since 1981.' I was offended yet flattered."

He gives her a blank look like he failed to see the connection.

"See, she was implying that I've been a total nerd since birth, but because I'm somewhat attractive I make..."

Thor dismisses the lengthy explanation with a flick of his hand, "Ah... yes, I get the gist of it."

It didn't make him feel any less foolish though.

"Hey Thor," They suddenly hear from out in the hall, "I think Captain Rogers' been trying to reach you. There's a couple of messages on the apartment phone. Something about Darcy and a t-shirt."

Dr. Erik Selvic sticks his head in the doorway and takes in Jane and then Thor, standing awkwardly, the god still holding the t-shirt on display against his chest. And that's when he sees it: the obnoxiously sized letters spelling out, "SEXY OLD GEEZER."

"Oh…" He says, expression remaining neutral, "I'll tell him you got the message."

Chapter Text

"I don't know what you two are so steamed about. My shirts were compliments… giant confidence boosters even."

"Were they?" Questions Thor, "Which part? Titling us old perhaps?"

"Nah, it was probably when she called us geezers." Steve chimes in.

Darcy rolls her eyes. "Ok ok, point taken! But c'mon guys, it is a little bit funny. Especially how long it took you both to notice. Like what, were you getting dressed by candle light each morning?"

Much to their annoyance, Darcy has to stop and cackle at her own joke. By Thor's side, Jane bites her tongue to prevent from joining her.

"Alright! I can take a hint. So I'll tell you what, I'll just reprint the design on brand new shirts, scrub the words 'old' and 'geezer' and keep the 'sexy' going across your backs. Voila! A total, unadulterated compliment. You're welcome!"

"Sexy backs!" Jane squeals, giddy at the reference.

"Jane..." As usual, the disapproving look Thor directs her way ends up morphing into an adoring smile.

Steve, however, focuses on scolding Darcy, "We are not walking around with the word "sexy" on our backs! Could we get anymore self-absorbed?"

"Weeelll," Darcy sing songs," If I added the word 'hot' before 'sexy'... "

It's here that Jane's resolve crumples and she's reduced to peals of laughter. Thor and Steve both shake their heads. Darcy was insufferable, but somehow they loved her for it.

"Kidding, guys, I'm kidding! Okay, how 'bout I reprint the shirts without anything on the backs? No harm, no fowl, right?"

Almost fiendishly, Steve smirks over at Thor and the god nods back with a returning smirk.

"How about you do that and print this little design out for yourself while you're at."

He hands Darcy the concept art he'd been working on and she scowls the second she lays eyes on it.

"Ha-ha guys! I hope you're not expecting me to wear that. Not only is it embarrassingly lame, but I'd look totally…"

"Ridiculous?" Thor suggests. "The feeling is oddly familiar."

Recovered from her giggling fit, Jane takes this opportunity to be a voice of reason, "Seriously Darce? Considering what you put them through, I think it's the least you could do."

Darcy spares another glance at the design.

"Aww, do I have to?!"

"Could you guys have found a more public place?" Darcy was asking Jane, her tone sarcastic.

She had gotten roped into a day at Coney Island with Steve, Thor, and Jane as a part of her "penance."

The main condition, of course, was that she had to wear it: the all-white shirt that had "SNEAKY LIL DEVIL" displayed across the chest. Below it was a large print up of Darcy's face, tinted red and photoshopped with tiny devil's horns and a forked tail. Darcy could thank Jane for contributing the most unflattering picture of her ever, and it had been Thor's idea to put the image on both back and front.

"It's not even that bad." Jane told her. "Silly maybe, but it's kinda cute too. I bet everything's in your head and no one's gonna notice."

"Aint nothin' cute 'bout that picture of me. And it's too late, Stark already has a shot of me wearing it on Instagram."

"Okay, but not everyone knows wh-"

"He tagged my name," Darcy interrupts, "then cross posted it on Facebook."

"Ohh…."

A beat of silence passes as Jane tries to think of something helpful to console her sulking friend. Giving up, she settles on a shrug, "Well, you know what they say about payback."

"Yea..." Darcy pouts, "It's a 'sneaky lil devil'."