Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Come on Min, just do it, it’ll be fun,” Ryan encouraged as the two of them walked out of the venue they’d been performing at and towards their van. The “it” Ryan was referring to was letting out a big whoop of excitement, something which Ryan himself had dedicated the last several minutes to doing. “It’ll help get all of the excited energy out,” he swore and Min-Gi rolled his eyes as he opened the back of the vehicle and stored Ryan’s guitar (which he’d been carrying so that Ryan would carry his incredibly heavy synth) in with the rest of their stuff.

“I don’t know, I think I got all of my excited energy out from performing,” Min-Gi offered and Ryan, who was leaning casually against the van after putting the synth in, looked unimpressed by his answer. “Okay, okay fine,” Min finally relented and Ryan lit up seemingly excited to tell him the exact best way to give that excited yell.

“You just gotta feel it man, throw your arms and the air and go “whoo!” Ryan encouraged and despite the fact that Min-Gi thought this was a very silly and certainly pointless exercise he did it like Ryan told him to and found that he did feel a bit better, like all the excitement and nerves he’d had before melted away. He did it again, a bit more excitedly this time and Ryan let out a whistle while he clapped for him. He gave him a cattish grin that Min knew could only mean he was about to be smug. “I told you it would feel great,” Ryan said and Min-Gi rolled his eyes.

“Yeah yeah, you were right,” he muttered averting his eyes and Ryan stopped leaning against the van only to tug on his arm a bit to get his attention. When he did, Ryan quickly planted a kiss on his lips that left Min-Gi reeling, like it always did. Ryan’s hand found his own and they tangled them together, still staring at each other awestruck in this parking lot as if they hadn’t kissed just before the show and weren’t certainly going to kiss again later that night.

“You did great out there,” Ryan encouraged as they kept looking at each other, squeezing his hand a bit. Min could feel his heartbeat in his ears and he didn’t mind at all. Min-Gi had thought for so long that he’d never have this, a life on the road with Ryan. He was so sure that when Ryan left he wasn’t coming back, and he was convinced that even if he did they’d be both doomed to fail if they tried. But thanks to one magical train adventure Min was allowed to have everything he’d ever wanted.

“You always do great,” Min-Gi said without thinking and Ryan gave him a little half smile that meant he thought Min was exaggerating. Still, that netted Min yet another kiss on his lips and then another on the cheek. Dating Ryan really was like music, the two of them always knowing when to build on each other and when to jump in. It never felt rehearsed though, more like a jam session where you just play together and sometimes something amazing comes out of it, but what’s more important is that every moment of it is fun.

“Come on, we should get a room for the night unless you want to sleep in the van again,” Ryan said and Min-Gi shuddered to remember the back pain that came from sleeping in the van. Not to mention the fact that the floor of it hadn’t been vacuumed in a while…Min added to his mental list of things to do along with mapping the route they were taking to Rochester for their next show. They climbed in and Min-Gi drove along for a while, while Ryan counted what they’d been paid for the gig. The answer was much more than any gig they’d done before.

“What are you staring at?” Min-Gi asked him once Ryan had stopped counting the money. Ryan gave a smile and leaned over to lay his head on Min’s shoulder as he pulled into the parking lot of an acceptable looking motel.

“Nothing,” he said flatly before putting on a teasing tone. “Just the hottest guy in the world who I happen to be dating,” he joked and Min blushed hard which made Ryan feel like he’d won the exchange. Ryan loved to make Min clam up all flustered like that, though after dating for some months it had gotten harder. Min-Gi had even gotten one over on him a few times, but he still remained the king of getting him to blush. Ryan gave him another peck on the cheek before climbing out of the van and going to the front desk. “Do you have any rooms?” Ryan asked.

The woman at the front desk popped her gum and peered over at Ryan from her magazine like he’d offended her somehow. She swung her feet from off the desk and put down the magazine, still giving him a dirty look as she looked over the room registry deliberately as slowly as possible. Once she’d finished rather than telling him whatever it was that she saw, she simply put her feet back up and went back to smacking her gum as loudly as possible. Ryan and Min shared a look, and Min loudly cleared his throat.

“What?” the woman asked, her bleach blonde hair, which had clearly been done quickly and cheaply in a bathroom somewhere, falling in her face. Ryan wondered if Min-Gi felt her cold, intimidating energy as much as he did.

“We were wondering if we could get a room here for the night,” Ryan said and the woman rolled her eyes not even bothering to put down the magazine.

“We’re all booked up for the night,” she said and while Ryan wanted to protest he also didn’t want to interact with this lady any further. Still, he looked out the window and saw that in the time between when they’d come in the building and the current moment it had started raining, and it only looked to be getting more intense.

“Are you sure there’s no available rooms?” he asked and the woman made a sound that he was pretty sure meant “Yes, I checked, now leave.” With no other options Ryan and Min made eye contact and left the motel, booking it through the rain until they reached the safety and comfort of the van. Ryan turned the thing on and cranked the heat all the way up in the hope it would help the fact that they were currently soaking wet before climbing into the back with Min.

“Well, we did need to do laundry anyway,” Min-Gi joked as if getting caught in the rain at all counted. Ryan laughed a bit and he saw Min smile and puff out his chest as if he was proud of making that happen. Ryan thought idly that he would think anything that Min-Gi said was funny, or smart, or sweet or whatever he was going for because Min was his and that meant something. “Seriously though, if we’re going to have to sleep in the van let’s swing by a laundromat so we’re not cuddling next to a pile of grody clothes,” he said.

“That’s fair, especially considering most of those are mine…” Ryan said trailing off and Min-Gi felt smug because it was true and Ryan was admitting it. He was, of course, the one who insisted that he needed costume changes whether the show they were playing was the massive stadium they saw in their dreams or the most back alley place in the world. Ryan climbed into the front seat again to drive while Min-Gi sorted the laundry so it could be taken to get washed. Once they parked he threw them into bags and carried them inside.

“Let’s take that washer, someone left their detergent there and if we act cool I’m sure no one will notice us borrowing it,” Min-Gi offered and Ryan playfully elbowed him to tell him he was proud of his new found rebellious streak even if it only extended as far as using someone else’s laundry detergent so they could avoid once again milking the bottle they’d been extending with water for the last five washes or so. Ryan loaded the stuff into the machine and handed him the money.

“So, Mr. Almost a finance major, in your financial opinion how much is this load going to cost us?” he asked and Min-Gi laughed at the ridiculousness of the question before putting on an embarrassing snooty businessman voice and offering his answer.

“Yes well, based on the performance of the stocks and bonds and the Dow Jones I’d say seventy five cents,” Min said and Ryan smiled at his stupid impression even as Min-Gi failed to hold it together before bursting into laughter at his own performance. They started the cycle and the two waited against the machine for the end of the run. Their life wasn’t always easy, usually money was tight and gigs were always smaller than they hoped for, but this was a good night all things considered.

The place they’d played was bigger than anywhere they’d ever played before, and though that wasn’t saying much it had to count for something. On top of that, the increase in cash they’d made certainly didn’t hurt either, which was why they’d been willing to spring for a motel in the first place. Ryan supposed it was probably fate that there hadn’t been any rooms, and that it meant the money was better spent elsewhere. He, without looking, snaked his hand towards Min’s and they held hands waiting for the buzz.

When it did come they didn’t stop holding hands as they put the clothes in the dryer and waited for that too. It was incredible to Ryan that the two of them were dating, that Min-Gi had liked him back. It hadn’t been something either of them had ever thought about, it had never been anything they felt the need to think about. But maybe it had always been there. Because less than a month after they got on the road they were together. What had that been, April? March? Ryan wasn’t sure.

“Min, when did we get on the road?” Ryan questioned as Min pulled away to start putting the now dry clothes in their bags to take them back out to the van. The two hadn’t bothered to change out of their wet clothes since between walking to the laundromat and walking back to the van they’d just get wet again anyway. Min-Gi seemed to consider the question for a moment as he tied the garbage bag they stored their clothes in tight to keep water from getting in.

“It was back in February, remember? We had to sleep in motels every night because the van would get too cold,” Min-Gi explained and Ryan felt like he’d been slapped in the face. He had thought they’d started on the road a month after they did, and because of that their anniversary which would have been april 14th would have been a month earlier. It was currently one in the morning on August 14, which meant that it was officially their six month anniversary. Ryan wondered if Min had noticed.

They ran through the rain yet again and quickly started the van to get themselves warmer.Min took the opportunity to start folding their fresh laundry despite the fact that he knew very well they’d just get unfolded again. Ryan sat in the back with him and took the folded clothes, tucking them off the side as each pile was finished until their bag was empty and they’d finished their task for the night. They sat back for a moment relaxing before both of them became uncomfortable sitting in their wet clothes.

“Do you have to stare at me like that every time I take my shirt off?” Min asked jokingly as he slipped a dry T-shirt on over his head after tossing his wet one into the pile. Ryan did not stop staring and as retaliation stared harder.

“Yes I do actually, I have a medical condition called “I love you so much I’m going to explode” disease and this is the only cure,” he said and Min scoffed but kissed him anyway which just gave Ryan the impression he was still winning in the game of making Min feel loved, and also a little bit embarrassed. Ryan started to think again about the fact that their anniversary was today, and suddenly got an idea on what the purpose of that money they were going to spend on a motel was.

“Let’s swing by the gas station, I think they’ve got half-priced hot dogs today, and nothing tastes better than dinner you got a deal on,” Min-Gi offered and Ryan shook his head as he climbed into the driver’s seat. Min looked at him curiously as he crawled into the passenger seat beside him, confused as to the reason for Ryan’s rejection of his prudent dinner suggestion.

“Tonight Min-Gi Park, light of my life, holder of the keys to my heart, we are not getting half priced gas station hot dogs for dinner because you deserve better than that,” Ryan said as he started to drive. “Tonight, you deserve class, you deserve style, you deserve,” he paused dramatically as he pulled into the location of the restaurant he’d selected after seeing it on the drive here.

“Rax Roast Beef? Be still my beating heart-” Min-Gi said faux dramatically but he still laughed and gave him a kiss anyway. “What’s got you in such a sappy mood all of the sudden?” Min asked as they climbed out to go enjoy their treat of a meal in a technically sit down restaurant for a good price. Ryan held Min’s hand as they walked in and ordered, before sitting down in a booth where Ryan finally did explain what had brought on his desire to go out somewhere nicer than their typical fair.

“Do you know what today is?” Ryan asked and Min-Gi seemed surprised at the question but thought for a moment to try and figure it out as he tapped idly on the table.

“Hmmm…Saturday?” he hazarded a guess. “Wait no, it's past midnight, so Sunday,” Min offered with a soft chuckle and Ryan shook his head, before taking Min’s hand in his own from across the table as he looked away nervously for a moment. Ryan wasn’t sure he was partially good at these big love declarations or anything but…he wanted to try. He wanted to try because he loved his best friend who was sitting across from him and he wanted to say it.

“Nope,” he said before starting. “Min-Gi Park, six months ago we started dating each other. Six months ago I realized that everything I’d ever done, every moment I’d ever had, every second I’d been awake for the past…what, twenty years, all of them had been with you, or for you. I want to spend all of the next twenty years like that too, because Min, I am utterly and hopelessly in love with you. I was six months ago, I am now, and I will be forever,” Ryan explained and Min squeezed his hands tighter, eyes welling up.

“God Ryan…I feel that way too. I love you so much and…I just love you, and now you’re making me cry,” he said as he wiped his face on his sleeve.

“I only ever want to make you cry because you’re so happy,” Ryan said and Min-Gi finished wiping his face and cracked a smile.

“Well mission accomplished,” he said and they laughed a bit together until their food came and they dug in, starving after a long day of complications, reminded at the very least that the two of them were going to be okay as long as they had each other. Ryan and Min-Gi knew at that moment that whatever happened, whatever came next, they’d love each other forever.

Chapter Text

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve!” Ryan announced as he and Min-Gi began their final song of the night. The two of them had been having a great time performing at this wedding but the entire time their minds had been and still were elsewhere as this wedding wasn’t just a performance, but also the end of something. Tomorrow the two of them were going to sit down with some record exces and if everything went right, this would be the last wedding or small venue they ever played at again.

But that meant saying goodbye to the small things that came with smaller gigs. Talking to everyone individually, talking and getting to know the people who hired you, and that beautiful feeling that someone had taken a chance on you even though they didn’t have to. Ryan and Min-Gi wouldn’t have to book their own gigs or scrap by just trying to survive. They’d hire a manager to help them with their gigs and an accountant to deal with their finances. Just because it was a step up didn’t make saying goodbye any less bitter sweet however.

So they played that night with all of their heart, and the wedding goers seemed to have had a great time listening to what they jammed out. They of course could play the most popular songs of the day, but people seemed to enjoy their original stuff too, which felt very special to them. The bride and groom themselves had even rocked out to some of their older demos. When the two of them had asked how they’d even found out about them, it had been the same way the label did, from demo cassettes floating around.

Once they’d finished playing their set, the two were free to enjoy the wedding according to the bride and groom, but they didn’t have any intention of staying long, they needed to get to motels before they ran out of rooms, they needed to be well rested for their meeting tomorrow. Still, not having to scrape by wouldn’t happen all at once, and Ryan didn’t want to have to be hungry until the money for this gig got to them in a few weeks, so he and Min-Gi had devised a simple plan, that being Ryan hoarding as much food as he could for the two of them while Min packed up their stuff.

Ryan very subtly made his way over to the open buffet and started shoveling food into some plastic containers he and Min-Gi had brought for this exact purpose. He started with meat because something hearty and filling was always needed, and then he moved onto pastas and breads because they were delicious. He looked at the vegetables and quickly moved over to the desert table instead. He did come back to them however knowing Min would be disappointed in him if he didn’t bring any back.

“You’re a bit over eager aren’t you?” Ryan heard someone with a British accent say as he was shoving the tupperware containers into his jacket and he froze like a deer in the headlights. Slowly, he turned around to see who was talking to him. The woman who’d said it stood with a glass of champagne in her hand, chestnut brown hair at her shoulders and eyes trying to look bored but betraying something deeper beneath. She sipped at her glass and looked at him expectantly.

“Um…yeah, I guess,” Ryan said because he couldn’t think of anything else. The woman was intimidating in a way Ryan couldn’t understand. The type of person who could be normal in everyday life but if put in a scenario that required it would be cold-blooded. He didn’t know why he felt that way about her from a so far one sentence conversation, but there was something about her eyes that told him she wasn’t all she seemed to be.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to tattle on you, I'm not five,” she said with a scoff, as if the idea that she’d tell anyone was so ludicrous as to be offensive. She leaned against the bar and ordered another glass of champagne which she drank quickly.

“So…” Ryan said, both filled with a need to end this conversation and get back to Min-Gi, and yet oddly intrigued by this mysterious woman who’s gaze betrayed ice and venom behind a veneer of pleasant company. “Are you a friend of the bride or groom?” he asked, having settled on an average enough question. The woman looked at him surprised before giving a sly smile.

“Neither, I snuck in here for the free drinks,” she said and Ryan felt so floored he thought he might get whiplash. He wondered if that was why the woman had seemed so mysterious and out of place at this perfectly average function, because she wasn’t even supposed to be here. “You look familiar, do I know you from anywhere?” she asked and Ryan pretended to think even though he knew the answer was no, because if he had met someone like her he certainly wouldn’t have forgotten it. Then again, her voice did sound vaguely familiar.

“I’m not sure, do you hang out around New York? I’ve been to a lot of parties around there and like…performed gigs and stuff,” he explained and the woman shook her head no, though he was pretty sure that was the answer already based on the accent.

“No no, I’m from England actually, just came to the states recently,” she explained and “What about you, are you from around here?” she asked and Ryan also shook his head.

“Nah, I’m from Canada actually, me and Min,” he explained.

“Oh, is that your bandmate?” she questioned and even though there was no way for her to have known that they were anything more than that Ryan almost found it a little offensive that Min could be just his bandmate instead of everything in the world to him.

“Bandmate, best friend, love of my life, the whole nine yards,” Ryan explained and the woman nodded at him before suddenly tensing up. She squeezed her champagne glass hard as if she was trying to break it in her grip and though she failed, she did turn around and order another glass.

“So, you’re from Canada?” she asked and Ryan nodded. “What brought you here, then? Chasing your dreams?” she questioned though the way she said it was almost like she already knew what he was thinking. Ryan gave a shrug that meant “something like that” and she accepted it, kept talking. “Yes, I know what that’s like. You know, I never expected to leave England at all actually. But then I was off for a while having…an experience let’s say. And I decided after all of that was over, I needed to get out. Do you know what that’s like?” she asked

“Oh? Uh, yeah, I guess,” Ryan said as he suddenly decided talking to this woman who was no doubt getting increasingly drunk was no longer something he wanted to be doing. He still couldn’t place her voice, was still curious as to who exactly he was thinking of that reminded him of her. Off in the distance he heard a car horn blow and though it wasn’t the van he decided it was as good a time as any to extricate himself from the situation. “I think that’s Min waiting for me actually, it was nice talking to you though,” Ryan said and the woman grabbed his arm.

“Wait.” she said and it was so serious that Ryan did want to wait, if only out of fear. “You really love him, your boyfriend I mean?” she asked and Ryan nodded, which made the woman let out a laugh. “Have you ever been dumped before?” she asked and again she asked it in a way that made Ryan feel like she already knew the answer. “The truth is, staying with people you love always ends in something ten times worse than a breakup. Especially if you’ve loved them for a long time, since you were kids. You love him? You want to make him happy? Leave him.” she swore.

“No offense, but I think I’m going to not do that,” Ryan said and the woman scoffed.

“What, you think you’re special? You think your love will be different? It won’t be. I’ve been where you are, and where you’ve been, exactly where you’ve been in fact. And I did the same thing you did. I fell in love, I let myself love someone and it ended in nothing but misery. That’s how love always ends…in the recording industry I mean.” she added quickly. “Y-yes, if you two stay together as artists the breakup will be messy and awful and there will be contracts involved, better to do it now and save yourself the trouble. I have…friends in the industry,” she added.

“That’s…that really happens?” he asked and the woman nodded quickly, still drinking from her champagne glass.

“Oh yes, take every break up you’ve ever had and amplify it by ten, and that’s how bad it will be if you wait. If you two separate now who knows, you might even still be friends,” she said and after examining her glass to find it dry she seemed to be done talking. “Well, have a lovely night,” she offered before she walked away. Ryan felt like his entire body was shutting down as he pictured the pain he’d felt through every heartbreak he’d ever had…he couldn’t let that be him and Min-Gi, he just couldn’t.

He’d seen those famously messy celebrity breakups, how they tore apart bands and the artists who were a part of them. He didn’t want them to tear apart Chicken Choice Judy and he didn’t want them to tear apart Min. He didn’t want to leave Min-Gi but…maybe that woman was right, she had said she knew people in the industry after all. This was the last night before they’d probably be signed and then it would be too late. That meant Ryan had a hard decision to make and he had to make it before he reached the car at the end of the parking lot.

“Did you snag us something good to eat?” Min-Gi asked as he saw Ryan climbing into the passenger's seat of the van. Instantly it felt like something was off, like something was different. Ryan had been in there for longer than Min had expected but he’d assumed that it was just because he was trying to avoid taking too much food at one time. Now though Min-Gi felt scared that something much worse and much more painful had happened when he hadn’t been there to help out.

“Yeah,” was all Ryan said quietly as he put the containers in the back of the van and now Min-Gi was sure that something was wrong, because Ryan would usually have a joke or something silly to say when presenting him with their food. Min felt like he was missing something important but he didn’t know what to say when he didn’t even know what had happened.

“Ryan, are you feeling alright?” Min asked and Ryan seemed to avoid his gaze which only made Min-Gi even more nervous. Ryan took a deep breath and for a second Min thought he was going to tell him whatever was on his mind, and he felt relief. It was only a few seconds after that he wished he’d never opened his mouth at all.

“Min…you know you’re my best friend in the world, right?” he asked and Min-Gi tried and failed to swallow the lump that was in his throat.

“Yeah…I do know that Ryan,” Min-Gi said nervously, trailing off at the end of his sentence. He didn’t know where this was going, only that it wasn’t going to be good, that it was probably going to break him in a way he couldn’t come back from.

“Well, I never want anything to get in the way of our friendship. Because having you in my life as my best friend means everything to me…” Ryan said as he seemed to be wasting time just to avoid saying whatever it was that he actually wanted to say. “I think that…with everything happening and…you know the industry just chews people up and spits them out I just…” Ryan stammered out and Min tried to fight down the tears that threatened to come from his eyes.

“What are you trying to say Ryan?” Min managed to choke out and finally Ryan said what he wanted to say, what Min-Gi had known he was going to say.

“I think it would be best if we broke up,” Ryan said and Min felt like every fiber of his being was sobbing, like he wanted to cry on the floor and ask why he was doing this, what he had done wrong and how he could fix it. Min loved Ryan, loved the two of them together, knew it was the culmination of years of love and devotion as friends and now it was just coming crashing down around him.

“W-why? What did I do wrong I mean-” Min-Gi started, still fighting back the tears. He would not cry here in front of Ryan at the parking lot of this wedding venue. He was going to keep it together now and cry when he was alone.

“Nothing, absolutely nothing! I just think you know…fame tears people apart, it tears couples apart Min. And I don’t want to ever go through that with you. At least…at least this way we could still be friends,” Ryan offered and Min-Gi heard him, understood him, and didn’t believe what he said in the slightest. But it wasn’t his choice to make anymore and he straightened up in the front seat.

“Okay Ryan.” he said, staring at the road instead of at his face. “It’s a bit of a drive to the motel. Why don’t you get some rest in the back and I’ll drive,” Min-Gi explained and Ryan knew what it was, a subtle suggestion that he stay out of Min’s way for a while, maybe for a long while, so that he could come to terms with what had happened. Ryan still needed to come to terms with what had happened, and he silently climbed into the back of the van, forcing down memories of how happy the two of them had been. This was for the best, he wouldn't have done it if it wasn’t.

Min-Gi Park was sure that he’d never be the same again, that he’d never be happy again and that he’d never be able to look at Ryan again. And for a while he was right, he wasn’t happy. He wasn’t happy when they got signed that next day and started doing better shows, wasn’t happy when they got a manager who dictated their affairs and an accountant who took care of the money side of things for them. Wasn’t happy when he got his first paycheck as a signed musician, and he wasn’t happy because he and Ryan were together but they weren’t together.

But then, slowly, things started to change, and one day, Min-Gi wasn’t so unhappy anymore. He was happy when he got on stage, he was happy when their contracts came in and were read over by a lawyer and were deemed favorable and they got to sign them. He was happy when people in music circles started to know who he was and he even started to be happy around Ryan again. He could look him in the eye and not hurt, he could laugh at his joke without an ache. Ryan was still his best friend.

And it still hurt, and Min-Gi still thought Ryan’s logic had been wrong, that they could have made it. Whenever he and Ryan stayed at motels, or more often now, actual hotels where the two shared a room but now slept in separate beds, he used to lay awake at night thinking about what they could have been. But one day he stopped doing that too. The past was the past and there was no going back and changing it. He had to move forward with his life, leave that relationship in the past where it belonged.

Ryan was stuck in the past and had been for the little over two years that he and Min had been broken up. He knew it was over two years because he counted every second that he and Min-Gi weren’t together. He counted every day where he had to wake up and go about his day knowing the person he loved most in the world was right by his side and he couldn’t love him like every part of him wanted to. Ryan adored Min, he had even when he was breaking up with him but that hadn’t stopped him from ending things.

Everyday Ryan reminded himself that he had to do it, that he was being prudent, that it was probably his choice that got them this far. He thought of the horrible and public breakup they probably would have had if he hadn’t done what he did. None of it helped though, none of it made him stop feeling like he’d made the worst choice in the world and now he had to live with the consequences. But, Ryan would live with them, because even though he wanted to beg for Min-Gi back he wouldn’t put him in that position, not again.

All Ryan had to do was endure, and everything would be okay. He still saw Min-Gi everyday, they still talked and laughed and performed together. Sometimes they even hugged each other and those moments hurt Ryan the most because it was so close and yet so far from what they had been. But he’d done it for two years and now two years in Ryan was starting to get used to it. Maybe he and Min-Gi weren’t dating but they were still the most important people in each other's lives. And they were even working on their first album right now.

Or, they would be except that Ryan was waiting for Min-Gi to make it to the studio. The studio was close enough to the hotel they were staying at that Ryan had just walked there when Min had said he was going to do something first and that he’d meet him there. But, Ryan and the studio engineer had been waiting for Min for about twenty minutes and there had been no sign of him. It was utterly unlike him, when they’d been working on singles and on their EP he’d always been punctual, though then again when they were doing that they’d shown up to the studio together.

Ryan had an awful feeling in his stomach like something was coming and it was something awful, but he couldn’t have described it if he tried. He checked the clock on the wall once again and braced himself for whatever was going on. He’d expected a phone call by now at least as an explanation, but there’d been nothing. Finally, Ryan heard the van pulling up to the studio and saw Min park it, before quickly heading inside, trailed by another person who Ryan couldn’t exactly make out.

“Sorry I’m late,” Min-Gi had said as he took off his jacket and put it to the side. “There was traffic,” he added as an explanation, but Ryan wasn’t listening at all at that point. He was staring at the guy who had walked in behind him. He had short blonde hair and soft green eyes which darted around the room awkwardly. He was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans and a belt with a large silver buckle, along with some gym shoes and a white t-shirt with a jean jacket over it. The jacket had a few patches from popular bands, and one of them simply read “Peace and Love”. Ryan didn’t feel very at peace or in love with whoever this guy was.

“Min, who’s this?” Ryan asked, trying not to betray the confusion and fear that he felt building inside of him. Min looked at the guy nervously for a second, and then back to Ryan with a plastered on smile as he spoke.

“Ryan, this is Sam, he’s my boyfriend,” Min-Gi said happily and Sam extended his hand to shake Ryan's, which he did automatically.

“It's nice to meet you, Min’s told me so much about you,” Sam explained and Ryan felt like he was on fire, like he was melting, or like he was getting hit by a bus. This was wrong, this wasn’t how things were supposed to go. Min found someone else, was in love with this Sam guy probably and there was nothing Ryan could do but endure it.

“Is it okay if Sam sits in on this session?” Min-Gi asked and Ryan wanted to say no. In fact, he wanted to get a running head start and jump kick Sam across the room. He wanted to grovel on his knees and beg Min to take him back because he was so sorry for leaving him and he’d never do it again. He wanted to do whatever it took to have Min be his boyfriend again because him dating someone else felt like having his heart ripped out and stomped on. But he couldn’t do that, Min was an adult, and Ryan had been the one to leave him. It was his fault he was in this situation, it was his fault Min had a new boyfriend.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Ryan said casually as Min went over to the corner of the studio to retrieve his synth. Sam rushed over to help him carry it and Ryan remembered that he used to do that for Min. Min-Gi looked at Sam and smiled one of those real genuine smiles you do when you really love someone and for a second you two are the only people in the room. Ryan remembered Min used to look at him that way too, and he ground his teeth to keep his mouth shut.

Chapter Text

Min-Gi hadn’t been looking for a relationship when he’d met Sam. He hadn’t been looking for one because even though it was two years ago, even though the pain was fading from their breakup, Min was still hopelessly hurt over what had happened with Ryan. The idea of loving and trusting someone else after that, after what had happened…it seemed like an impossibility. Ryan was his best friend in the world, and the first person he’d truly loved. If he couldn’t trust him not to break his heart then who could he trust?

So no, Min had not been searching for a relationship when he walked into the grocery store one sunny afternoon three months ago. In fact, he’d been looking for something else entirely. Min-Gi had been looking for a chocolate bar. The grocery store was pretty close to his and Ryan’s hotel, and Min had, after an early morning studio session, decided to walk and pick up a particular brand of chocolate he was craving as a treat. Ryan had declined to go with him, deciding instead to stay at the hotel and try and smooth out a melody he was unsatisfied with.

He’d looked around for a bit and unfortunately had failed to find the brand he was looking for, or for that matter any goods by that company in stock. He’d wondered if there was some memo he didn’t get, or if he was simply losing his mind because he was sure that he’d remembered buying that brand of chocolate from the store he was in. At that moment he was either going to suck it up and ask an employee for help, or more likely, he was going to leave the store to avoid the embarrassment.

Unfortunately Min-Gi hadn’t gotten the chance to actually decide what he wanted to do because at that moment he had been slammed into by a guy who was running incredibly fast through the store. That guy was Sam, though he hadn’t known that at the moment. The guy pulled himself up, and then helped him up deeply apologetically. Min-Gi had studied him, he was wearing a collared shirt and a tie, and holding a clipboard in his hand. He was professional looking but he seemed about Min’s age and he wondered what his deal was.

“Where were you rushing off to?” Min asked and the guy had quickly explained.

“First of all I’m really sorry about crashing into you and second, I just realized there’s a supply chain issue no one told me about and now I have to fix it,” he said, clearly rushed and frustrated. Min had looked at him sympathetically and it dawned on him that the guy was pretty attractive. He suddenly felt a bit nervous but he pressed on with the conversation, hoping he wasn’t taking up too much of his time with his idle chatter.

“Supply chain issue?” he’d asked and it was out of the hope that maybe he’d tell him more about what he did, and maybe even his name. Min-Gi tried to avoid staring too long in his light green eyes out of the fear he’d start to blush if he did.

“Yeah, I’m a logistics manager for this particular store, and right now a bunch of Cadbury trucks that were supposed to deliver before store opening this morning have all been delayed, and I’m trying to figure out what to do,” he’d explained before adding something. “I’m Sam, by the way,” he’d said and Min had shaken his hand, beaming at him.

“Min-Gi,” he’d responded and Sam had seemed to smile back at him. He wondered if he was imagining things or if Sam might actually like him too. He didn’t want to get his hopes up all but it had been so long since he’d even entertained the idea of liking anyone after Ryan. But there was something to Sam, something about his energy and demeanor that made Min want to know him more, want to spend more time around him. “I actually came here looking for some Cadbury chocolate,” Min-Gi said lamely.

“I should bring you around all my co-workers, that way they could see how their inability to get the delivery here on schedule has hurt the innocent customer,” Sam mused jokingly to himself. He looked at Min quickly after he said it and then looked away suddenly. “So, other than buying Cadbury products…what do you do Min-Gi?” Sam asked and Min felt his heart start to speed up as he considered that he might actually be liked by him.

“Oh well…I make music, I’m in a band, actually,” he explained and Sam seemed interested in it. Min usually felt nervous telling people he made music for a living because if they didn’t instantly know you (which most people didn’t) they thought you must have been a failure or something. Min-Gi had gotten much better at living his life for himself rather than the way he thought he was supposed to, but he still got nervous thinking about other people seeing him badly. But with Sam…he trusted he’d be chill about it.

“Wow, that’s really cool! I’ve actually been trying to get into some new music, do you think I could hear some of your stuff?” he asked and Min nodded quickly because he seemed really interested in what he had to say about things and interested in his music. Sam seemed interested…in him. And that was an exciting feeling after everything that Min had gone through in the past with his last relationship.

“Yeah I totally can, I think I have one of our cassettes back at the hotel up the street, I can go by and grab it for you,” Min-Gi offered and Sam seemed to think before shaking his head. Min felt crushed but tried not to show it, of course he didn’t actually care about his music or him, Sam was just trying to be nice so that he would leave him alone.

“I don’t think that will work, because I’ve got to go work out this issue,” he started and Min-Gi started to tell him it was no big deal at all and not to worry about it, before leaving the store and resolving to never shop there again to avoid running into him, when Sam added something else. “How about you give me the number of the hotel you’re staying at and I can take you out sometime? To hear the music, I mean,” Sam had added and it occurred to Min that he was being asked out on a date

Min had never felt more conflicted in his life, and he wished he didn’t have to feel that way. After all, he thought Sam seemed fun to talk to, nice to spend time around. He also thought he was pretty attractive and he wanted to know more about him. But it couldn’t be that simple because even as Min was being asked out by someone else he was still thinking about Ryan. He was thinking about him because Ryan was so important to him, and he hadn’t dated anyone since they’d been broken up. Was it really right for Min to move on?

“That sounds good, let me write it down for you,” Min had said and then he had because he deserved to make progress towards being happy. He liked Sam and he wanted to date him, and he had no more romantic obligations to Ryan. They were friends and friends supported each other with stuff like this. Dating Sam had been like a whirlwind, he’d learned all about his life, how he’d been raised in a hippie commune by his parents with three younger sisters and how he loved it.

How he’d gone to community college for a year but dropped out, and gotten a minimum wage job to stay close to home and to his family, but how it had worked out pretty well. He learned about how Sam’s first big purchase had been basically on a whim, and it was the motorcycle he took Min around on. They laughed and joked, and at the end of their dates Sam always bought him a Cadbury bar to remember how they’d met. It was absolutely amazing…and that only made Min feel more guilty.

When he went out with Sam he didn’t lie to Ryan per say but he didn’t tell him where he was going either. He just sort of…went and then came back. And Min-Gi knew he didn’t have to tell Ryan where he was going because they were friends and not dating and it was a normal thing to do…but he felt like he was sneaking around behind his back. Min really was just waiting for the right time to tell him, and he thought bringing Sam to one of their practices would be a good way to introduce them, and show Sam cared about their work.

Ryan on the other hand thought the best way to introduce them would be never because he never wanted to meet this guy and wished he could go back to before he had. That wasn’t the case and Ryan knew it, after all he probably was better off now that he knew Min had been dating someone for three months, but that didn’t mean he felt good about it. Min was the love of his life and now Ryan had to see him with someone else. And the worst part was that it was all his fault.

“So, what do you think of how we met?” Min-Gi had asked as he and Ryan were walking to the studio together a couple days after he’d first met Sam. Ryan couldn’t remember what Min had said about how they met, not because he was intentionally ignoring him but because Sam’s name made him see red in a way he couldn’t explain. Sam hadn’t done anything wrong except be the person who Min was dating, but to a bitter Ryan that was more than enough of a crime, Every time he thought about Sam more things annoyed him.

Ryan decided he thought his jean jacket covered in patches was tacky and an obvious attempt to look cool that failed by having all the patches be of popular bands instead of groups no one had heard of. He decided that his motorcycle was another obvious attempt to look cool without realizing how obviously desperate he looked driving a motorcycle when he didn’t seem like a motorcycle guy at all. He decided his story about his life on the commune was probably a lie to make him seem more interesting because he was actually really boring.

That was Ryan’s main complaint about Sam, that he was really a boring seeming guy, way too boring for Min to date. He was a logistics manager who’s gone to trade school for goodness sake, he wore collared shirts and ties to work. He’d worn a plain white t-shirt under his jean jacket instead of something interesting that might tell anyone anything about him, and he wore white Reeboks that weren’t dirty enough to suggest he actually did things, but not clean enough to suggest he took special care of them.

Ryan was lost on what it was that Min could possibly see in Sam that made him want to date him. When they’d been in that room together as they’d played, Sam had always called him “Min-Gi” and never Min. It was almost distracting to Ryan considering how often he just called him Min, and it drew more attention to Sam which he hated. Honestly, Ryan just wanted to stop thinking about him but he couldn’t, all of his thoughts had been consumed by how much he absolutely couldn’t stand Sam.

“Ryan? Were you even listening?” Min-Gi asked and Ryan snapped back to reality realizing he’d been stewing over Sam for so long that they’d actually ended up in the studio, and he hadn’t heard a word that Min had said to him.

“Sorry, I guess I zoned out,” Ryan had explained and Min waved him off seeming to accept that explanation. Ryan was at least glad that there would be no Sam at this session so they might actually get work done. Ryan had found it impossible to play when Sam was around, just sitting there and watching Min play with that stupid look on his face.

“It’s fine I just…” Min started to say before trailing off. “What do you think of him?” Min asked and based on the look on his face Ryan realized something he didn’t even consider before. Min-Gi was looking at him for approval of his dating choices, he wanted Ryan and Sam to get along because he valued his relationship to Ryan. It hadn’t even occurred to him that anything he thought would be in any way related to Min’s relationship, but of course it was. Ryan and Min were best friends, and of course you want your friends to like your partner.

It also dawned on Ryan that it was probably why Min had waited three months to tell him about Sam. Aft first he’d assumed it was just because Min (rightfully) assumed that Ryan wouldn’t be able to handle him moving on and was trying to save him the pain, but now he realized that Min probably wanted to make sure that he and Sam were serious enough, and that Sam was prepared enough to meet him. This was a newfound power that Ryan felt suddenly, if he wanted he could voice his disapproval of Sam.

“He’s…” Ryan started and he knew at that moment that he had a choice. He could say every tiny nitpick he had about Sam and why he totally sucked, but that wouldn’t be right and he knew it. One of the things that Ryan hated about Sam was the way he called Min “babe”, the way the words sounded in his mouth made it feel so annoying to listen to. But whenever he said it, Min blushed and smiled and lit up like a Christmas tree. Ryan had hurt Min so horribly he thought they might never come back from it. He couldn’t do it again. “He seems alright.” he said.

“I’m glad that you think so,” Min said and Ryan could see the relief washing over him. He really had been nervous about how Ryan would feel about Sam, and it was clear from the way he acted. Ryan hated Sam, hated the fact that he was with Min-Gi and would have done just about anything to keep him away from his best friend and the only person in the world that Ryan had eyes for. But he had one promise to himself, one promise that he was refusing to break and that was that he wouldn't hurt Min.

If he told Min that he hated Sam, that he thought Sam was awful and they should break up, Min-Gi probably wouldn’t have done it. But he would have the knowledge that his best friend hated his boyfriend and that would probably put a strain on the relationship. It might even make Min feel like he had to make a choice, and in that case that he wasn’t allowed to move on and be happy as long as Ryan was in his life. And he was, Ryan wanted Min to be happy even if it wasn’t with him, even if that ripped his heart out.

The fact that Ryan didn’t want to hurt Min was at the center of all of this after all. He’d ended things with Min in an attempt to prevent further pain later, and considering the fact that Min was managing to be happy, and their music was getting more popular Ryan still believed he’d made the right choice. And not wanting to hurt Min was the reason why Ryan kept his feelings, his regret over their breakup swallowed down deep even after two years. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be put in the position that would put Min in.

Someone who you’ve known your whole life, who you cared for and who you thought cared for you dumps you abruptly for the sake of your futures and it's awful. Finally, you begin to heal and get better and suddenly he asks you to get back with him. The entire thing would be a mess and would only cause more pain, especially with Sam in the picture. For Min-Gi, Ryan would do anything, fight giant bugs or live off of scraps. And so, for Min, Ryan could tolerate Sam and his stupid face and clothes and voice. How hard could it be after all?

Chapter Text

Ryan and Min-Gi were almost done with the layout of their album after a month of work, which was incredibly satisfying. The speed with which they were able to work could be chalked up to a few things, the fact that they worked so well together as artists being a big one. The other though, was that they’d had years on the road, more than two years in fact, to practice and bang out the songs which would end up on the album to perfection. In fact, they had too many songs, and they needed to make adjustments and cuts as the end of the writing and selection cycle drew near.

“Okay what if at the end of Dancing (With A Broken Heart) we had a part that was sort of like…” Min-Gi banged out a little melody on his keyboard to demonstrate what he meant. “And then that would fade into the next song, and we could have Glory City as the closer,” Min offered and Ryan quickly shut down the idea. He liked Glory City fine, but as a closer he had a different idea.

“I think the addition of that melody to Dancing (With A Broken Heart) is like…way too much though. It throws off the balance of the song. And why not go with Train To Nowhere as the closer?” Ryan offered. He knew the song was kind of silly and was just something they’d written as their first song on the road but…it was really special to him. Not to mention the fact that it reminded him of how much fun he and Min had those first couple months on the road. How much fun they’d had when they’d been together.

“What? Are you serious?” Min asked surprised, and then he let out a little chuckle that sounded too condescending for Ryan’s liking. “That song is…cute, but it's old. We’ve played it about a million times and our new stuff is way better; in comparison that song sounds like baby’s first commercial jingle,” Min said and Ryan felt offended on behalf of the song. Train To Nowhere was a good song, it was a song they wrote together. And maybe it was a bit old and basic but who was Min to trash it.

“Oh so what, you’re too good for Train To Nowhere now?” Ryan asked sarcastically and Min held his head in his hands and let out a groan that showed clearly he was annoyed by Ryan and the way he was acting. And Ryan knew he was acting petty and annoying, and maybe he even agreed with Min-Gi that his way of ending the album would be better. But he couldn’t fight to be with Min, not anymore and not after what he’d done. Their relationship was over and done with but in a weird way Ryan felt attached to that song, like it was the last thing he had left from those happy days.

“Ryan, you know that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that it wouldn’t make a good closer to the album, and that I think my planned ending works better,” he said and then Min-Gi added something. “I don’t understand why you’re acting like this is some personal attack,” he said and suddenly Ryan couldn’t remember why this all felt so serious, and why he thought he needed to put up such a fight. “What do you think Sam?” Min-GI asked, turning to look at him and Ryan suddenly remembered.

Sam looked surprised at being included in the conversation and perked up at hearing his name. He was sitting on their amp which annoyed Ryan to no end despite the fact that both he and Min did it all the time, and was dressed in an appriproiatley annoying fashion, a pair of silver earrings in his ears along with some basic jeans, white and red pair of Nike Airs, and his typical stupid brown belt with a large silver buckle. He even had a Bowie shirt on under his windbreaker as if to annoy Ryan further because he loved David Bowie.

“Oh? Well, I don’t really know anything about music, but I think Glory City sounded really rad,” he explained and Min turned to look at Ryan smugly as if Sam’s word proved anything. Sam didn’t know anything about music and in fact he didn’t know anything about anything else either. He didn’t know what Train To Nowhere meant to them, didn’t know everything they’d gone through to stay together as best friends. And he didn’t know that once upon a time they’d performed that song as soulmates.

“Well you want to know what I think?” Ryan said suddenly and it was as if seeing Sam and being reminded of everything that happened awakened something in him because he said, “I think that the album should cut out parts that aren’t needed, and go back to the old sound because when it was the old sound everyone was happy and now that we’re adding new unnecessary parts things are complicated and bad so maybe we should just stop trying to get rid of the old stuff because at least then we were happy…when we were making it, I mean.” Ryan said, and with that he stormed out of the studio.

Ryan dragged himself out to the curb near the studio and sat down because he was frustrated and heartbroken and really that argument hadn’t been about the album at all. It was about him and Min and he wondered if Min knew it, because it was the closest he would get to telling him. He couldn't imagine how much it would hurt to have Ryan do everything he did and then try to slide back into the romantic role like everything was fine. Min-Gi didn’t love him in that way anymore and it was because Ryan had stomped on his heart.

That didn’t make Ryan hurt any less thinking about it however, because he and Min were supposed to be forever. You don’t love someone for years, decades, without that relationship meaning something. Ryan was sure that even if Min was getting over him Ryan wasn’t over Min yet and it was tearing him up inside. He fought back the tears that wanted to come down his cheeks because all he could think about was how he should have been better. He should have said to hell with their careers and chosen Min instead, even if it meant giving up their dreams.

Ryan fought that thought down too. No, he’d made the right choice and yes it hurt more than anything but it was a choice he had to make. The both of them had done so much, from a magic train to scraping by on nothing in the real world, to have what they had now. This album, the tour that would follow it, was all their reward for that struggle and that pain. If Ryan had given that up, if they’d stayed together, they wouldn’t have gotten what they always wanted. And now they were going to reap those rewards no matter how much it hurt him.

“Okay seriously what is your damage Ry-” Min-Gi started as he exited the studio and found Ryan sitting on the curb by himself. “Dude…are you crying?” Min asked and Ryan hadn’t even noticed he’d failed to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks as he wiped his face quickly. Min sat down next to him and for a while they were silent as they both tried to find the words for what to say. It was Ryan that started first.

“You’re right, about the album tracklist I mean. And I thought your additional melody was great, actually,” Ryan admitted and Min was so taken aback he almost commented on how odd and rare it was for Ryan to actually admit that he was wrong. Still, he didn’t say that and made an admission of his own.

“I think you’re right that Train To Nowhere should be on the album. It's…it's important to us, and it would be wrong to make an album without it there,” Min-Gi said and Ryan looked at him surprised and a bit happy before staring back down at his feet as he said something else to Min.

“I’m just…so worried that I made the wrong choice…about the album I mean.” he added quickly. “I’m scared because everything's happening so fast and everything is so different…I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Ryan said and Min-Gi gave him a soft smile, one of those ones that took Ryan back to his teenage years and his childhood, and every other moment he’d looked at his best friend, and Min had looked at him right back just like he was then.

“I get it. Nailing down this tracklist has felt so weird but…Ryan, whatever we make, however it goes, it's going to be great if we’re together. Making music with you, the chance to do that, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. So don’t worry, this life is the best thing that could have ever happened to us,” Min explained as he stood up and offered Ryan his hand to help him off the curb, which Ryan accepted. He felt better now, felt like maybe he’d made the right choice after all if Min-Gi really did love their success as much as he seemed to.

“Thanks Min,” Ryan said before adding something else. “I know we’re almost out of studio time but I could bribe the sound guy and we could pull an all night session, you know, like we used to,” Ryan offered and Min looked apologetic in a way that Ryan knew could only mean bad things.

“I’d love to, but me and Sam actually have a date tonight,” Min-Gi explained and Ryan was successful in concealing how his face wanted to fall at the news, though that was the best thing he could say about himself at that moment. “How about tomorrow? I could buy us some cheap energy drinks with Sam’s discount and it’d be just like when we were on the road? Doesn’t that sound wicked?” Min-Gi asked and Ryan nodded even though he didn’t agree at all. The truth was nothing would be like when they were on the road ever again.

Ryan wasn’t a slave to his past actions, he could throw caution to the wind and look Min-Gi deep in the eyes and kiss him even though Sam was just inside the studio. He could tell him that he was in love with him and he’d never stop being in love with him, that he wanted things to be just how they were in the past and that he’d make them that way. That even if it meant tossing away his dreams Ryan would be with Min-Gi, and that somehow they’d avoid the nasty breakup he knew was inevitable.

“You ready to go?” Sam asked stepping outside to where Min was and Min nodded, saying goodbye to Ryan and walking off hand in hand with Sam. And then Ryan was alone, all alone though maybe he’d been alone for a long time considering Min was the one he confided in about stuff and now the biggest thing he’d ever needed to talk to someone about was Min-Gi himself.

“So, where are you taking me?” Min-Gi asked as he climbed onto the back of Sam’s motorcycle. Min never really thought he’d end up dating the type of person who would own a motorcycle, but then again Sam had never planned on being that type of person. He was no rebel with a cause, and certainly not a bad boy of any type. He was just…Sam, and Sam was great. He drove slowly and carefully and always made sure he and Min wore protective gear when on the bike, and avoided any dangerous situations from showing off.

“It's a surprise,” Sam had jokingly insisted and Min had lovingly rolled his eyes as they rode on. Min-Gi found Sam fascinating for how…well, normal he was compared to the slightly odd way he’d grown up. But all things considered, from what Sam had told him about it, the way homes were built large for multiple generations to share and the way he and his sisters had been raised in a very loving way, Min couldn’t say that he didn’t think it was pretty cool. Sam told him that he found logistics management more interesting than his upbringing and that had made Min laugh.

That was the thing Min really found the coolest about Sam, the fact that he found things like managing supply chains, and going out to bars cool. He was so…approachable wasn’t the word that Min wanted but it was the one that he came up with. Sam was easy to talk to, nice to slow down with from that fast paced world of the industry but he was far from boring too. He was Sam, and Sam happened to be exactly what Min needed when he met him. He held on tighter to Sam’s back as they made a surprisingly gentle turn on the bike.

“Oh wow, this place is really nice,” Min-gi remarked quietly after he and Sam had parked the bike and headed inside. It wasn’t the fanciest place in the world of course but it was definitely more upscale than Min had been in a long time. Then again he supposed that was fair since the last time he’d been dating someone they’d also been beyond poor. “Is there an occasion I forgot about?” Min asked as the two were seated and Sam smiled and shook his head. Min-Gi wondered why this all felt so familiar.

“Nope, I just wanted to treat you,” Sam explained and Min nodded and gave him a smile as he listened to Sam continue talking. “I don’t know, it just feels like most of the time we do something kind of basic because you need to do something, or I need to do something, and I thought it would be nice to just…have a night where we slow down and enjoy everything,” he explained and Min agreed. Everything with working on the album had been so stressful as of late, but Sam always calmed him down.

“God, how did I get so lucky?” Min-Gi asked and started to lean in for a kiss when Sam suddenly looked uncomfortable and Min quickly stopped and sat back down. He felt nervous all of the sudden and wondered, terrified, if he was about to be broken up with again. Everything probably had been just too good to be true.

“Did I ever tell you about when I was in school?” Sam asked quickly and Min shook his head. “Well, as you know I dropped out of school after a year, but before that I was super convinced that I had to stay even though I hated it there for one reason, my parents.” he said and Min felt like he could relate to that on a personal level. “Yeah, my mom and dad really didn’t want me to go to school and I knew if I dropped out they’d be all smug,” he said jokingly, happy at having surprised Min with the ending.

“Oh wow, my parents were the exact opposite. When they found out I wasn’t going to college they were absolutely floored,” Min responded and Sam looked so engaged in what he was saying, so interested in Min’s words. Still, he felt nervous and if he’d learned anything from the hell express he and Ryan had been on it was to communicate. “Are you feeling alright?” Min asked and Sam seemed to let out a sigh he was holding in that he hadn’t even noticed.

“That obvious huh?” Sam asked and Min-Gi nodded because it was in fact that obvious. “Well, the truth is…I have something I want to ask you but I’m…I don’t know how to ask it,” Sam explained and Min gave him a sympathetic look.

“You can ask me anything,” Min explained and Sam took a deep breath and began to talk, despite the fact that he was quite clearly stuttering over his words.

“Did you…have you ever…I mean, you and Ryan…” he started and stopped in that same way a few different times before finally seeming to settle on what he wanted to say. “Are you and Ryan exes?” Sam asked and Min-Gi felt surprised not because it was a surprising question but because it was never one he’d had to answer before. But he of course would tell the truth, even if he was a bit afraid Sam would dump him for still being friends with Ryan.

“Yeah, we are.” he explained before taking a sip of water and going into further detail. “When we met it’d been almost two years since we’d been broken up, and by now it's been more than that but, yeah we used to date.” Min-Gi explained. Sam looked relfied at his honesty but still deeply nervous.

“And…I know you don’t have any feelings left for him…you don’t, do you?” Sam asked and Min quickly shook his head. “But…do you think that there could be…feelings coming from his end?” Sam asked and Min-Gi quickly responded.

“Ryan was the one who broke up with me actually, so you have nothing to worry about,” he said and Sam looked comforted, gave Min that kiss Min had offered him earlier, and held his hand. “Both me and Ryan moved on from that part of our lives a long time ago,” he said and even though Min-Gi was sure that it was a fact that was true, at least for Ryan, he wondered why it almost felt like a lie to say.

Chapter Text

Min was the most amazing person in the world and Ryan wouldn’t hear anything else on the matter. It amazed Ryan how amazing Min was, even before he’d felt that yearning for him that he did now. When Min-Gi showed him something he was excited about, helped him with something, smiled or laughed or even breathed Ryan was struck all at once about how wonderful he was all again. He loved to just stare at Min-Gi during their studio sessions, watch him work something out or come up with something.

The only issue was that Ryan was currently barred from doing that, even though he had plenty of prime opportunities to do so now. After setting the tracklist and everything out Ryan and Min had entered phase two and month two of making their album and that was recording the final demos. When that was done they’d present the album to their label and they’d reject or accept it, which would mean either going back to the drawing board or getting to go on tour and actually try their hands at being rockstars.

Those facts of course meant that Ryan and Min had been in the studio a lot recently, doing a million different takes of a song or even just a section of a song before they were satisfied with it. That, the fact that it was the two of them just working on music and trying to get everything to sound right, living their dream, meant Ryan was in the perfect situation to stare at his best friend and the love of his life and think about how perfect he was. But, Ryan couldn’t do that because now there was Sam.

And Sam was there now, always there, in every session and every recording, always just sitting and nodding and smiling. Before, back in month one and phase one, Sam had only shown up a couple times during all of their many sessions during that month, and Ryan had hated it then. As much as he hated it then however if he could he would have gone back to that in a heartbeat because a couple times in a month, and only when he was taking Min-Gi out after was much better than every single day.

Personally, Ryan thought Sam was doing it to spite him and he wouldn’t put it past him to do so. He also figured that maybe he was being a bit of a hypocrite, after all if he was Sam and he was dating Min-Gi, God he wished he still was, and he knew someone else liked him, he’d do everything in his power to keep them apart too. But Ryan had no intention of typing to get back together with Min, if only because he knew it would hurt his best friend too much to go through again.

But also because not being with Min no matter how much he desperately wanted to was a noble sacrifice that Ryan had decided to make for the good of the band and the good of their futures. After having his eyes opened by that lady at the wedding Ryan used to wake up after nightmares imagining the messy ensuing breakup had he not ended things with Min-Gi. The crying, the torn contracts, the arguments in the press as their loving relationship fell apart. Ryan thought of his exes before Min-Gi.

With each of them he’d had something with them that made him want to be around them, some common feature or banter. And when they’d dumped him he’d lost that, lost any chance at being around them in the future. At least one of them ended up never wanting to see him again, and he imagined Min feeling the same. A world where Min-Gi angrily told him he never wanted to see his face again, that he wanted Ryan out of his life. In the face of that, wasn’t this the better option to take?

Ryan didn’t want to break up with Min and he certainly didn’t want Sam in his life at all but he was doing what he had to do. He could handle the pain of seeing Min-Gi with someone else, he could handle not being able to hold him like he used to. He couldn’t handle having Min end up hating his guts or worse him hating Min’s as money and fame tore them apart. Ryan was bearing the burden of the lesser of two evils. Or, at least he was pretty sure he was bearing it, nowadays it felt like he was cracking under it.

“Is he going to be here every time?” Ryan asked frustrated inbetween takes as he stared again at Sam just sitting there with his stupid blonde hair looking at Min like he was the most important thing in the world to him when that used to be Ryan’s thing. Ryan trusted Sam was probably an okay guy because Min was typically a pretty good judge of these things but that didn’t stop him from hating his presence all the same.

“He’s going to be here every time I invite him, if that’s what you’re asking,” Min responded and they both knew it wasn’t what Ryan was asking but it was still a response nonetheless. More specifically it was a response telling Ryan to lay off because Min-Gi wanted him here and that choice was already made. Still, Ryan had to push his luck.

“I just think he’s disturbing the atmosphere of the recording studio,” Ryan insisted and Min-Gi sighed and stopped fiddling with his synth, made long eye-contact with Ryan and suddenly Ryan could see so clearly a world where Min hated him after everything, wanted nothing to do with him. He was reminded of why he made this choice in the first place and that in making it he’d have to endure some things. “...fine.” Ryan said to no one in particular and they played on with Nothing Like When U Go, the next song on the tracklist.

“Wow, that was stellar Min,” Sam complimented once they finished their first take and Ryan wanted to roll his eyes because this was just their first take and the two of them were going to do several more before this song was anywhere near finished, and yeah Min was the best part of the song but he was the best part of every song and Sam was obviously just trying to win points in his eyes.

“You really think so babe?” Min-Gi asked and it was almost as if it had just slipped out, like he hadn't meant to call him that around Ryan. He was hiding it but Ryan had known Min since he was an infant and was an expert at knowing his signs. He was embarrassed, embarrassed he’d said that around Ryan and that made Ryan even more upset because it meant that Min-Gi called Sam that often. And that it was only around him that he was censoring himself. It made Ryan want to lash out and he could barely hold back his venom.

“I really do! The lyrics are so sad but it's got this…I don’t know what to call it exactly but it's great,” Sam responded not even flinching at having been called babe, increasing Ryan’s suspicion it was a regular pet name that Min-Gi gave him. “The music is like a waterfall of feelings rushing over you,” he added lamely and Min laughed at that, watching Sam try and fail to put his feelings on the music into words amusing him more than anything.

“Hmm, a waterfall of feelings, that’s hilarious we might have to put that on the album,” Min-Gi said and deep down a part of Ryan knew he was joking. It was clear in his tone which Ryan knew better than anyone after all. But he couldn’t care about that, all he could think about was how this, their sessions, was the last place he and Min got to just…be, together. And Sam had stolen that. And music, what they made together, it was theirs and nobody else’s, and even as a joke the idea of Sam taking that too made him furious enough to say something he was thinking.

“Why are you even here?” he asked Sam and Sam seemed surprised at the fact that Ryan had acknowledged his existence when they usually tended to ignore each other and this was a break from that. Ryan examined his outfit, an open button up striped shirt, a rolling stones t-shirt, cuffed blue jeans, with that stupid belt with the giant silver buckle of course, a pair of beat up black and white Adidas. Ryan was annoyed at how normal and predictable his clothes were, and even more annoyed that he didn’t seem to notice or care.

“I’m here because Min-Gi invited me here,” Sam explained in a calm voice and Ryan felt like he was trying to make him look crazy by acting like the sensible one when Ryan was upset. Well Sam wasn’t that sensible and Ryan knew it, he knew his whole act was just a way to remind Ryan of what he gave up for his and Min’s success and how this was how he was going to be rewarded for it. “Is that a problem?” Sam asked, and that was what Ryan had been expecting because he said it normally but it hid a challenge.

“It is a problem actually-” he started to say and that was when the result Ryan should have expected came into play, that being that Min-Gi stepped in to intervene. When they’d been together they’d done that a lot, stepping in to defend each other and to show off how good of a partner they were. That wasn’t what was happening today however.

“Ryan! You are acting like a major ass, so please tell me what your problem is so we can talk about it like adults,” he said and it was clear to Ryan that he had messed up here, and he should apologize. He didn’t want to apologize though, he wanted to be angry because he was protecting Min-Gi, he was the reason they were able to have the careers that they had, the reason they were capable of even making this album. But he couldn’t tell Min that, couldn’t tell him why he’d broken up with him and now he’d have to deal with having been the one to make that choice in silence.

“My problem is that you’ve been so busy spending all of your time with him,” Ryan gestured vaguely. “That you’ve forgotten about what’s actually important! We worked our entire lives for this and you’re throwing it all away like you don’t even care about this band.” he fumed, muttering the last part slightly under his breath. Min-Gi tensed up, looked shocked and hurt but then tensed himself up, straightened himself out like he was putting the pieces back together, and turned his attention to Sam.

“Could you excuse us for a minute?” he asked kindly and Sam nodded, stepping out of the room. Ryan felt like the universe was pulling a prank on him just for its own kicks because the truth was Ryan wasn’t even upset at Min-Gi. He did feel abandoned and he did feel like he was forgetting the band, forgetting about him, but that didn’t mean he was actually angry. More than anything he was hurt, and yet he wanted to hold that close to his chess lest he accidentally reveal his true feelings.

“Great, he’s gone we can get back to work,” Ryan said nervously even though he knew that wasn’t what was going to happen. Sam had been sent out of the room for his own benefit, not for Ryan’s and Min just stared at him, not even angry just…disappointed. That was a new one, Ryan had seen Min-Gi look at him with annoyance, condescension, pain, hell even genuine anger but the pure unfiltered and justified disappointment on his face was something Ryan hadn’t seen before and now that he had he never wanted to see it again.

“Ryan, you need to get yourself together.” Min-Gi said to him seriously and Ryan felt himself tighten. Just a minute ago he would have bristled at a statement like that, fighting back over it and entering an argument but now he just shrank. Min saw this and seemed to soften in turn. “Look,” he said after a deep sigh, sinking to sit on the floor of the studio booth. “I know this album cycle has been hard but-” Min started and Ryan responded quickly.

“You know you’re my best friend, right?” Ryan asked and Min looked surprised before nodding yes. “I’m sorry. I honestly don’t know why I’ve been acting like such a loser recently,” Ryan said and that was a lie because he knew exactly why. It was because he loved Min-Gi more than anything or anyone, because he cared about him and wanted to be with him and he was being torn apart inside because that wasn’t his choice anymore. “I don’t want us to stop being friends,” Ryan said instead of confessing any of that.

“You kidding me? Nothing is ever going to stop us from being best friends Ryan, you’re stuck with me,” he explained and Ryan was forced to let out a chuckle, because it reminded him of a conversation years ago now, something that seemed so far away and yet so close to who they were.

“You know you said something like that on the train,” Ryan said. “You told me I was stuck with you back then too,” Ryan reminded him and Min-Gi looked genuinely surprised at that factm, as if he’d forgotten. Ryan never forgot the things Min said to him, he always remembered his words, his inflection as he said them. He could recall every time Min-Gi had told him that he loved him from memory, and he shoved down the pang of sadness that bubbled inside of him at the idea that he’d never add another to the list.

“Well, it was true back then too.” Min-Gi said. “Magic train, studio session, you’re stuck with me as your best friend until the end of time so stop worrying so much,” Min said and Ryan couldn’t help but feel as though he didn’t quite believe him because Ryan knew there were limits. It was why he’d had to break up with him after all, the fact that at those limits relationships shatter like glass under the pressure of stardom. Ryan wouldn’t let him and Min’s relationship shatter, even if this hurt too. “Now if you’re done being like that, can we record the album?” he asked.

“Yes we can,” Ryan responded and as if to prove he was getting better, even though it made him want to be sick to say it he added. “And don’t forget to call Sam back in here, if he likes Nothing Like When U Go, he’ll love your synth breakdown on Rain (Don’t You).” Ryan inistsed and Min smiled at him, seemingly happy that Ryan was at the very least on the surface, starting to warm up to Min’s partner. The truth was for as much vitriol as Ryan had for Sam he almost wished that he could like Sam.

Liking Sam meant letting Min-Gi go, and that meant everything would be better. But, Ryan wasn’t capable of that, not yet. So Sam came back in and Ryan held his tongue and they played and Sam listened, kicking his feet in time with the music. And eventually as the rest of the session went on Ryan was able to pretend he wasn’t there, reaching a zen like state of calm that let him exist in the same space as Sam without freaking out. This, ironically, made the entire session go faster too.

The two of them were cranking out perfect versions of their songs quicker than before and it took them much fewer sessions to finish the remaining songs they needed to record. Sam was of course there for all of them, but Ryan grew accustomed to tuning out his presence. He even reminded himself of something important, Sam might be there for now, but if this album was approved and they were signed for a tour he’d have weeks, maybe even months, on the road with Min, just the two of them like old times.

“The album is acceptable. We’ll have the boys down in promotion and marketing get the two of you set up for a tour right after it releases,” the studio head said and Ryan and Min-Gi held back excitement over the news. When they walked out of the meeting Ryan hugged Min and it was safe, so safe and warm that if Ryan closed his eyes just for a second he could imagine that their shared excitement, this moment that was just for the two of them, might last forever.

“Oh! I’ve got to call Sam and give him the good news,” Min-Gi said, quickly extracting himself from the hug as if he’d done something wrong, like he’d taken a step too far and needed to remind himself of who he was dating. And then he ran off to find a phone in the building, leaving Ryan alone in the hallway, still clinging desperately to the warmth he’d had just a second ago, the kind that he could only get from the love of his life, the kind that warmed his body and swam deep, straight to his soul.

Chapter Text

There was going to be a tour though it wasn’t happening how Ryan and Min-Gi had anticipated it. They’d expected, because they’d been told, that the album would release and then they’d get on the road, as a way to promote it. It seemed that the label had done some thinking however and decided that it wasn't what they wanted to do. Rather, they’d be sent out on a tour and while it was happening the album would be released. The label would price the tickets very competitively, to get more people in seats.

“We know that this album is going to be a hit, a big hit,” the label bigwig had said to them when he’d called them into his office. His graying hair was slicked back and he put his feet up like he had no care in the world while smoking inside because he seemed to think the rules didn’t apply to him. From Ryan and Min’s perspective they might as well not have. “But you two are still young, fresh new artists and we’ve got some…concerns is all,” the man had said and Min-Gi had started to feel nervous about where all of this was going.

“What do you mean?” he asked and the man had waved him off as if to tell him his concern wasn’t really needed or warranted because everything was going to be just fine as it pertained to their careers. He took another puff of his fat cigar and then kept going on.

“We know the two of you have some star power, but you’ve got no name reconnection and consumers are much less likely to spend money on someone untested like the two of you are. With that being the case, we want to have you two on the road first while the album is released. People are much more likely to spend money on a concert ticket, especially when it's not too expensive, to see an artist they’ve never seen than to buy an album of theirs. Trust us, this research has been very fine tuned,” the man assured them

“Alright,” Ryan had said, still a bit confused as to the logic but more interested in leaving this meeting which was the worst part of the industry and getting to making the actual music which was the best part, to question it any further. “So, when do we go on tour?” Ryan asked him and the man seemed to think idly for a moment as if he himself was coming up with the dates and they hadn’t been predetermined by a group of people before they ever came into his office.

“We’re thinking of a spring release for the album, the big hitters come out in summer so we think an early spring tour will be what we go with. Everything should be worked out with the venues and such by now,” the man explained and the two listened eagerly, though they tried to hide it, anticipating when they’d learn the date of their first show. “You’ll leave out for the tour in the beginning of March, and you’ll go to the major cities, though you won’t be headlighting any ampatheatures so don’t get your hopes up. The album will be released in late March, and the tour should finish in April,” the finished.

“March? That’s in a week!” Min-Gi said in response to the news and the studio man nodded, aware of the dare and times. Min really wished they’d been given more notice but since the decision had been so slapdash he supposed he was lucky they didn’t throw him onto a tour bus with no warning at all.

“Yes, plenty of time for you two to get ready. The finer details are with your manager but trust me you’d better be on time and on schedule for this thing. As untested acts with an album coming out the studio is putting a lot of faith into you, don’t mess this up,” he said and there was an implied “or else” that Min and Ryan could both pick up on. They thanked him and exited the office.

“Well that was…something. You want to go get something to eat?” Ryan asked and he prepared himself for rejection. So often when he asked Min-Gi to do anything with him nowadays he was shut down, rejected and rebuffed. And Ryan didn’t blame Min at all, after all when a new important person enters your life it stands to reason you spend a bit less time with the other people in your life, there are only so many hours in the day after all. So Ryan was completely and utterly prepared when Min said,

“Yeah, that sounds good,” casually before adding “Where do you want to eat?” Ryan was floored by this but tried to conceal his reaction. It seemed that he failed at this however because Min gave him an apologetic look and began speaking again. “I know I’ve been spending a lot of time with Sam lately, and sometimes it feels like we only see each other when we’re working, or about to head to the hotel.” Min said and it was clear from his tone of voice that he regretted it just like Ryan did.

“I..get it, though,” Ryan said because even though he wished it wasn’t the case, even though he wished he was the most important person to Min he did get it, understood why things were the way that they were. “You’re dating, it's normal to be busy,” Ryan explained and even though he didn’t say it out loud, in his own mind he was reminding Min-Gi that soon they’d have plenty of time to spend together when they were on the road. “Anyway, I don’t know about you but I want that new Korean Barbeque place that just opened,” Ryan said and Min seemed to agree.

So they headed there and it really was nice, it felt safe, like a space where the two of them could be best friends which Ryan felt robbed of for so long. Then again Ryan also knew that a part of the reason things didn’t feel the way they had was because he insisted on torturing himself. He wanted to be with Min but he couldn’t so he figured being near him was the next best thing, but it ripped him in half completely and utterly. He and Min slept in the same hotel room, though in different beds and different sections.

They ate a quick breakfast together most days before Sam came around, they worked together and saw each other every day. Ryan often found himself trying to be as close to Min-Gi as he possibly could even though that only made things worse. It was one thing to love a person who you knew would never take you back, and rightfully so. It was something else entirely to love that person and force yourself to spend every waking second together because whether you knew it at the time or not, being apart from them wasn’t something you knew how to do.

“What are you thinking about?” Min-Gi asked as Ryan ate his food, sitting across from him at the restaurant. The truth was that this outing hadn’t been entirely just to get some more time in with Ryan, though that was the main thing. Rather, the other reason was the fact that he’d noticed Ryan being more in his own head and more off kilter than usual and wanted to talk to him, wanted to address his best friend for so long and have Ryan confide in him.

“Just how excited I am for this tour,” Ryan said casually and Min-Gi didn’t believe that was all but he didn’t say it out loud either. As much as he hated to admit it, though he insisted to himself that he was completely over the breakup there would always be a part of him nagging over it, feeling like their end was something he never got closure for, something he should have seen through if not for Ryan’s choices. He shoved what remained of that pain down however and healed it with all the markers of moving on, and that seemed to work well.

“Sure,” Min-Gi said half-jokingly, still trying to keep the tone lighthearted so as to not push Ryan too fast. He’d hate for Ryan to shut down on him when he still had some things he wanted to bring up, including stuff about Sam. But, he already decided to save all of that talk for another time, he wanted today to be focused on just seeing how Ryan was and trying to catch up with him and his feelings. After all, the two of them had been so in tune with each other's feelings for years until the train, and after it they’d been in sync again.

“What?” Ryan asked incredulously, but only humorously so. “You don’t believe me?” he asked and Min only smirked at him. Ryan was so utterly in love with Min-Gi he thought his heart might explode. He was really an idiot if he thought Min was just going to stay single forever, in this weird limbo with him, but it didn’t mean he wanted it to happen. It was probably just them eating together, alone, for the first time in a long time that was bringing back all of these old feelings for him, reminding Ryan of when he’d sworn they’d be together forever.

“All I’m saying is you’ve been acting different lately and now you’re staring into space instead of ranting all excited about our tour, which is very unRyan behavior,” Min-Gi analized and it was still a joke, this whole conversation was mostly even though in a different way it wasn’t. Min used to be able to read Ryan so well, used to understand him perfectly until they broke up. Now it was like half the time he didn’t know what he was thinking anymore. That was probably why he felt so unsatisfied over their breakup, Ryan never told him what he was thinking.

“Well, don’t worry about it, as soon as we’re out on the road everything will be back to how it used to be,” Ryan insisted even though he knew it wasn’t true. Nothing could ever be like it used to be, not as long as he’d never be with Min-Gi again. He thanked and cursed the woman at the party for telling him what he had to look forward to if he didn’t end things now, and hated himself for the way things ended with his exes, which gave him that insight into how bad things could go. He wished he could live in blissful ignorance instead.

“Yeah, I guess it will be,” Min-Gi said as he sipped his drink. The other thing, the thing he wanted to say about Sam would definitely have to wait for the right time, it would have to be something he caught Ryan in the right mood for. Now wasn’t that time, but it was the time for something else. “Hey Ryan?” Min said and when Ryan looked at him expectantly he said “Thanks for being my best friend,” and Ryan softened and smiled at him.

“Any time my main man,” he said and that was where the conversation ended, or at least that part of the conversation. Instead, they talked about other things like their songs, and what artists they wanted to collaborate with when they were famous, and what their tour bus would look like and how much fun they were going to have playing shows. They wondered about where in America they were going to see, and if they had super fans by now and what they’d say to them. They talked about having an album release party too.

Everything seemed a bit more simple, like when they were kids. They were just two people, two adults now but with those same dreams and ambitious, just a little closer to their goal. But they couldn’t help but remember sitting at Dumpty’s all those years ago planning out hypothetical tours and talking about what albums they’d scrapped up enough money to buy. Something about the other always made both of them feel like they were a kid again in the best way, the comforting nostalgic way.

But things couldn’t be that simple, and Min-Gi knew they couldn’t be that simple. They weren’t kids anymore, and they weren’t even the people they were a few years ago. They were who they were now, and Min had a boyfriend and most importantly it meant he had to force himself to say something he didn’t want to, or more accurately to ask something he didn’t want to. And considering they only had a week, despite the fact that he wanted to put it off eventually Min-Gi couldn’t wait any longer.

“Ryan I um…wanted to ask you something,” Min said as the two were in their hotel room. Min had just gotten off of the hotel phone and had just finished a conversation, one that reminded him of the thing he needed to say. He told himself that it wasn’t the right time, that he wouldn’t react well, but whether he liked it or not Min didn’t get a choice on whether or not it was the right time. If it was going to happen it was going to happen now, and he’d already decided that it was going to happen.

“Yeah, shoot,” Ryan said as he felt himself growing more and more nervous on whatever it was that Min was going to ask him. He felt a sense of dread in the pit of his stomach like a weight dragging him down into some deep dark abyss as Min-Gi straightened himself out and prepared to say whatever it was he wanted to say.

“I was…wondering if Sam could tag along with us on the tour. I thought it could be good since you know, bringing your partner on tour is pretty common for some artists,” he explained and he watched Ryan’s face for a reaction that never came.

“That’s fine,” Ryan said as he readjusted his attention to trying on a pair of shoes he’d just bought for the tour, which he wanted to match with an outfit he already owned. He tied the laces and focused on that, on the calming effect of the pull of the strings, the way that he could use his hands and keep them from shaking, keeping himself together from crying. He and Min-Gi were supposed to have this, their tour, but they wouldn’t and he had to be fine with that. After all, he wouldn’t want someone he was dating alone with their ex for a couple months either.

“Really? You’re the greatest Ryan, I’ll tell him right away,” Min had said, thankfulness in his voice and Ryan tried to savor that, the fact that he must have been doing something right because Min was happy and he’d made Min happy. Before it had felt like he’d spent so long making Min-Gi so sad, too sad to even look at him but now he could, and when he looked at him there was happiness in his eyes. Ryan excused himself as Min-Gi called Sam, leaving the room with his hands in his pockets, trying to keep himself from unraveling in the hall.

The day that they left out was chaotic and hectic as Ryan had expected it to be. Min-Gi had done his best to make things easy, and Ryan had followed his advice about packing earlier and making sure they got to the bus on time but everything seemed like it was happening too fast for them to keep up. By some miracle they’d made it to the bus, with their bags packed, and got to stand outside of it in awe. The thing was impressive for just the two, well three, of them and it was painted blue and red.

“Sorry I’m a bit late,” Sam said when he showed up and Ryan remembered he needed to practice his technique, though he didn’t know how well that was going to work when they were trapped together on a bus for several hours. Min rushed over to greet him with a hug that Ryan turned away from even though it was just a hug.

“You’re right on time actually, come on let’s get on,” Min assured him before the three of them went onto the bus while the driver loaded their bags. The inside was incredible, red curtains and wood floors, a refrigerator and even a TV set up with a large supply of tapes of modern classics for them to watch.

“This bus is nicer than my first apartment,” Sam muttered and Min laughed even though it wasn’t really funny. Ryan fought back the urge to groan as he realized just how long of a trip this was going to be before walking to go examine their tape collection, praying that he wouldn’t manage to alienate his best friend during this trip. After all, he loved Min and cared for him as a friend before they’d even dated. If keeping that friendship meant tolerating seeing him love someone else…Ryan would just have to figure it out.

Chapter Text

Min-Gi found he was able to make himself comfortable on the tour bus surprisingly easily, mostly because of the fact that it had all of the amenities he could ever wish for. This had been what he’d imagined when he and Ryan had talked about going on tour as kids, this space of luxury and fun rather than the much more difficult and arduous way they’d lived when they’d first started on the road. Despite that, Min didn’t begrudge that time they’d spent at all, in fact it was a treasured memory.

Sure they’d struggled but they’d done it together as best friends and as…well as best friends. And now they got to rake in the rewards of that struggle in the form of a spacious tour bus with a fridge stocked with snacks and a stack of tapes they could watch. And of course, a bonus was Min-Gi getting to enjoy it with his boyfriend. At the time he’d asked he’d had no clue how Ryan would react, but he was really glad he had said yes. Getting to spend time with the person he was dating and have his career was amazing.

At the moment he and Sam were sitting on one of the couches on the bus and Ryan was on the other, and they were all watching A Nightmare On Elm Street. Min-Gi could actually remember watching this movie when it came out, with Ryan specifically. They were in the fall of their last year of High School and even though Halloween had already passed Ryan had insisted that they go see it and so they did. Ryan had also insisted he hadn’t found it at all scary which Min-Gi didn’t believe at all.

Min didn’t think often about grade twelve considering that in the last month or so things had gone so horribly wrong that they went from sleeping at each other’s houses every weekend to not speaking at graduation. But they’d had fun then, even if they didn’t know how quickly things were going to change. And now they were here, watching this movie again, and Min couldn’t help but wonder if they were repeating the same cycle. If, unbeknownst to their current selves, soon the two of them would go through another big shift.

“You scared?” Min asked Sam teasingly as he felt him scoot a bit closer. He expected this reaction to be that of abject denial in the face of fear, and then Min would scoff and he’d put his arm around him, jokingly saying he’d protect him from any dream monsters.

“Yeah,” Sam said honestly and that floored Min because he hadn’t been expecting him to just admit it. He didn’t know why he hadn’t been expecting that, Sam never gave off an attitude or impression like he was that type of person. It hit Min then, all at once the reason why it had been his assumption. That was a move that he and Ryan used to do back when they were dating, teasing the other as an excuse to get closer. He was just…used to it, even after all this time.

“Oh! Do you want to watch something else? I think I saw Rocky in that pile of tapes, you want to watch that instead?” Min-Gi asked sympathetically, which he could, considering he could remember many times when a certain best friend of his had forced him to watch a movie he didn’t want to. Min’s mind rolled to the “Cannibal Holocuast Incident of Grade Nine” which he still shuddered thinking about even as an adult. He got up and popped the tape out, which surprised Ryan who hadn’t noticed their conversation.

“Hey, that was just getting to the good part!” Ryan insisted as Min took the tape out and put it back in its sleeve.

“Don’t have a cow, Sam didn’t want to watch so I’m putting on Rocky,” Min explained as he looked through the pile for the tape. Ryan grumbled under his breath but didn’t stop Min-Gi considering the fact that he knew horror movies definitely weren’t for everyone. He liked them and there were some that were too much for him, which he’d learned the hard way when he and Min had watched Cannibal Holocuast back in grade nine. He couldn't remember how he survived those next few weeks considering he definitely wasn’t sleeping.

He wondered if Min-Gi even remembered that, the two of them as less than sensical fifteen year olds who thought they were old enough to handle things they really weren’t. Ryan thought about it all of the time, just like he thought of every other sleepover and birthday, and conversation walking to their houses after school. He couldn’t remember how long he’d been in love with Min, he could remember when he realized it but once he did he also knew it had been something that was in his mind for longer than that.

So when, when was the moment, the date of time when he’d first looked at Min and the love wasn’t just platonic? Even if he could remember Ryan knew it wouldn’t matter, not now that they weren’t together and hadn’t been together for years. Min-Gi had loved him too, once. How long ago had that been? Ryan knew it was a pointless question but he couldn’t help himself from wondering. Was there a moment like that for Min too? A moment lost to time where he’d looked at Ryan and seen him as more than a friend?

And that forced Ryan to pose a question that was much more painful but also much more relevant. The one that made him feel pain like he couldn’t imagine, the one that forced him to confront the fact that the love Min felt for him was in the past. When did that end? Did the love shut off as soon as they’d broken up, or like a leaking faucet had there been some left still dripping out echoing until there was nothing left? It made Ryan sad to think about, hurt him to remember what he’d had to do to give them what they had now.

He forced himself to look at the screen instead of at his hands, because really what Ryan wanted to do was look at Sam and Min-Gi and wonder what it was that Min saw in Sam. He was so normal, so boring, he hadn’t quit his job to run away with them on tour he’d used his saved vacation days. He didn’t have any bigger dreams or ambitions than to wear his shirt and tie and wield his clipboard and handle supply lines. He didn’t seem to care about music, or horror movies or much of anything from Ryan’s perspective.

Well, except for one thing. Sam really did seem to care about Min-Gi. He forced himself to keep looking at the screen instead of turning his head to see if they were cuddling like he and Min used to do when they watched movies together. Out of the corner of his eye he did look though, despite his better judgment though he found that they weren’t. They were just sitting together, maybe holding hands but Ryan wouldn’t be able to tell without turning to look at them head one and he couldn’t do that.

“Looks like we’ve made it to the hotel,” Min announced when he looked out of the window, and Sam stopped watching the movie to look out with him. It wasn’t a fancy hotel or anything, more of a place for a family vacation then one where rock stars would stay, but they were basically average people with an, admittedly, very cool tour bus at this point. Or at least Min-Gi thought they might as well be for all of the fame they had. The bus pulled into the parking lot and Min pulled out the information they’d been given by their manager.

“Our rooms should be on the…seventh floor, right?” Ryan asked, climbing off of the bus right behind Min-Gi and Sam. Min nodded at his comment as they walked towards the hotel, bags in tow after he insisted that the bus driver didn’t need to carry them. “I’m conflicted, on the one hand I’d love to have roadies to carry all of our stuff for us, but on the other I think I’d feel bad watching them do all the work and just end up carrying my own stuff anyway,” Ryan assessed and Min-Gi nodded.

“Yeah I get that, but personally I think you wouldn’t let them do it because you don’t want them to touch your guitar, not because you’d feel particularly guilty,” he said smugly and Ryan acted fake shocked, clutching his guitar to his chest. Sam helped Min-Gi carry the other end of his synth as they went to the reception desk to check in. Ryan made a rebuttal to Min’s assertion though it was less of a rebuttal and more of a confirmation of what he already believed.

“For your information I have no problem with letting anyone touch my guitar, but also if I didn’t want anyone to manhandle her because she’s my baby that would be completely normal,” he insisted before the two laughed a bit. It seemed nice like this, him and Ryan joking as they got onto the elevator.

“Don’t worry Ryan, as a motorcycle owner I know how precious your guitar is to you,” Sam said and Min-Gi felt his heart flutter because Sam was making an effort with Ryan. Min knew that Sam still had some doubts about Ryan and his behavior, and it certainly didn’t help that Ryan hadn’t been his best lately. But he hoped that the comment was a sign of good things to come, and that this trip would be a good chance for the two of them to get warmed up to each other. After all, behind his parents they were the most important people in his life right now.

“Yeah.” Ryan said and while it was short it also wasn’t angry, so Min counted that as a slight win and didn’t think much more about it. “Do you have the room key?” Ryan asked Min-Gi as they finally made their way up to floor seven. He did have them, since he and Sam had checked in, and as the elevator doors opened he fished the keys out of his pocket and offered Ryan a choice.

“Yeah I’ve got them, do you want 708 or 718? They’re across from each other so it doesn’t really matter,” Min-Gi said as he held them out. It felt like something in the air shifted for Ryan, like something was fundamentally off. He and Min always shared a room, they shared a room at the hotel they were staying at in New York across from their studio. They’d shared rooms since they were tiny little kids all through high school and into adulthood. It was normal, them sharing a room was normal. This wasn’t normal.

“Um…we always share a room,” Ryan said without thinking and he immediately wished he hadn’t because then Sam and Min-Gi were making eye contact like he was the one being weird even though they’d done this since Ryan could remember.

“Oh, yeah but...uh, well I thought me and Sam would share a room,” Min-Gi explained and Ryan wanted to fight back tears as he remembered that this, all of this was brought on by his actions. The fact that they were on tour instead of going through a messy breakup after never making an album was thanks to his choice, and so was the fact that they weren’t sharing a room. That wasn’t a thing you did with your friends when you had a partner and Ryan knew it was the case, and he wanted this to be good for Min-Gi so he swallowed down his pain.

“Right…” he said, trailing off before taking one of the keys at random. He glanced at the number before heading to that room and closing the door behind him, all while rushing out something about how he’d see them when it was time for their show. Ryan felt like he was going to throw up, or cry. Everything he was used to was different now and it was all because Min-Gi was with someone else. It hurt to see him with Sam but he could power through that, he could deal with knowing they were together.

But it was when Sam started encroaching on their lives, when Min chose dates over time with him, when he brought him to practices, and now that they had a room together and Ryan was here, alone. That really was the pinnacle of everything that was happening right now wasn’t it, that Ryan was alone. He and Min-gi had done so much and gone through so much to avoid what was happening to Ryan right now. They had decided that they wanted a future where they made their dreams come true together.

What a cruel joke of fate that woman had shown him, that the only way for them to achieve their dreams had been to not be together at all. Ryan imagined himself with everything he could ever want, the success and the music and praise. Everyone who never believed in him, who ignored him and derided him, they’d all be impressed with him. And yet even that didn’t make him happy because a part of him thought that being with Min-Gi romantically was the only thing that could accomplish that.

Ryan sat up on the bed he’d been flopped on and calmed himself down. Sam wasn’t married to Min-Gi, they weren’t engaged. They hadn’t even been dating a year. Ryan didn’t even need to be worried, he realized, because Sam would be gone eventually and even if he and Min wouldn’t be together romantically they’d still be together. Ryan cringed at that and felt bad as soon as he thought it. After all, the reason he and Min-Gi wouldn’t be together besides their careers was because Ryan didn’t want to hurt him again.

Even if Min was the one to break up with Sam, which he obviously would be because he was amazing, that would still hurt him. Ryan would tough it out until the relationship ended but he wouldn’t wish for it, wouldn’t wish for Min to have to go through that pain again like Ryan had three times in a row. He decided it was time to stop moping and start getting his stuff looking nice, before he got ready for what would be the first show on their first tour, and he remembered it would be the first of many.

When the time for the show did roll around the three of them piled onto the bus, and Ryan once again examined Sam. He was still wearing the same clothes as before, not even bothering to change into any Chicken Choice Judy merch as a way to support the band. Well, they didn’t have any merch per say but Ryan still felt like it was some kind of betrayal. Min had changed into something just a little more exciting than his riding on the bus outfit, and Ryan thought he looked amazing but he always thought that.

“Wow, this place is going to be the biggest venue we’ve ever played,” Min-Gi noted upon seeing the small music club that they were headlining and Ryan snickered at his words.

“I think that’s more of an insult to us than anything,” he responded as they unloaded their stuff from the bus and headed inside. Despite his joke, Ryan was really excited to play there, considering usually the places they played didn’t sell tickets to see them, but to get into the venue itself, the days when they’d played open mic nights and weddings. But here, the people who came were coming for a good time seeing them, Chicken Choice Judy, even if he would hazard a guess most of them didn’t know who that was.

Inside the venue, going backstage after they were confirmed to be the performers, and Sam, was hectic as Ryan had expected it to be. A part of him wanted to look at the crowd to see how many people were there but Min-Gi convinced him not to spoil the surprise. As they waited for their cue Ryan wandered off for a moment looking for a pick, something he found much quicker than he expected to. When he did return, heading back to the place behind the curtain where Sam and Min-Gi were, he heard their conversation, and froze.

“Kiss for good luck?” Sam asked and Min-Gi nodded, and Ryan could only stand and watch as he saw the love of his life be kissed by someone else for the first time. It was probably his fault for not making himself known, but he couldn’t help the pain it inspired.

“And now, here’s Chicken Choice Judy,” the man talking to the crowd before they came up said, and Ryan reminded himself of where he was, what he had to do to be there. He used that to drown out the image of the kiss, and pain in his chest, the reminder in his brain that he used to get to kiss Min like that, and now he never would. Ryan knew that Min had loved him once in the past, and while he might not have known when it stopped, he was sure now that it had.

Chapter Text

Ryan had thoughts on hotel breakfast. It was usually good if for nothing other than the fact that it was free and you got it with the stay at the hotel. Ryan remembered, sometimes fondly, the rush of breakfast of his childhood as what seemed like a million hands, his siblings and his parents, rushed to grab whatever had been laid out. There was almost never time to make hot breakfast, so instead it was a mad dash to grab whatever cereal you wanted before it was gone. Ryan was usually able to grab cereal, though he was never fast enough for the milk.

That was okay though because Ryan had learned to like his cereal dry better anyway. That was a lot of life, Ryan was discovering. You can’t always have the thing you want, you’re not fast enough, or smart enough, or talented enough. So you manage to trick your brain, which was very easy to do, into thinking you’re better off without it. And maybe you are and maybe you aren’t, maybe now that Ryan could have cereal with milk he would like it better. But he wouldn’t have it, because he didn’t want it anymore.

So, hotel breakfast. Hotel breakfast had everything laid out for you, or at least everything that the hotel considered cheap enough to be worth giving you for free. And you probably wouldn’t have to fight too hard for it, because if something ran out they’d just bring you more. And it probably wouldn’t be great, the eggs were powdered and the bacon was kind of burned. You have a bunch of options but none of them were great, they weren’t what you really wanted at all. So Ryan was eating dry cereal because he’d convinced himself it was what he wanted.

“Why are you staring so intensely at your cereal?” Min-Gi asked and Ryan was snapped from his extenstintional spiral about cereal and breakfast and back to reality. That reality had him sitting across from Min and Sam at a table in a hotel lobby. Sam was sitting next to Min-Gi in a way that indicated he wanted to put his arm around him but he wasn’t, and he wasn’t doing this because of Ryan. That annoyed him more than anything because Ryan wasn’t a child who needed to be protected from their relationship, and the idea that he was made him feel insulted.

“I’m not staring intensely,” Ryan said and Min looked at him as though Ryan had just told him the sky was a lovely shade of green. Ryan ignored this look however in favor of crushing his cereal with his spoon instead of eating it, and judging the breakfast choices of his travel companions. Min-Gi was exactly what Ryan had grown to expect from him over the years he’d known him, some fruit, along with yogurt and granola. Sam on the other hand was very different, a huge plate of bacon, eggs, and toast along with coffee gracing his plate. Ryan supposed it made sense, he was American after all.

“You don’t like your cereal with milk?” Sam asked and Ryan clenched the spoon in his hand and tried to calm himself down. Sam didn’t mean anything by it, he was just trying to make small talk about the current situation and Ryan was the one making it weird by taking it personally, if he took it personally. But also, Sam didn’t understand anything, certainly not any of this. Ryan didn’t even know if he liked his cereal better without milk, only that he’d learned to eat it that way because he couldn’t have milk.

“I’m going to my room.” Ryan said as he stood up suddenly, leaving his bowl at the table. Ryan wanted his love for Min-Gi to be like his desire for milk. He couldn’t have Min and so he figured he should be able to convince his brain that he didn’t want it, that he wasn’t interested in it, that he loved his life better without Min in it, but that wasn’t true and he knew it wasn’t true. He thought about the way Min-Gi used to look at him, smile at him, kiss him, and his heart ached because he wanted it more than anything even if it was out of reach.

“That was weird, right?” Min-Gi asked as he turned to Sam and Sam nodded at him. Ryan had been acting odd since their concert last night, and Min wasn’t excited at the idea of spending several on the road as they made their way to the next show, especially if he was going to act like this. They didn’t leave until tonight and Min-Gi supposed that should give him enough time to try and figure out what his problem was so that he could fix it. “I’m going to go talk to him,” Min said as he stood up.

“Wait, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Sam said, standing up after him, and Min looked confused at him, wondering what Sam could mean by that. Of course talking to Ryan was a good idea, he was his best friend and if he could just get him to talk about what was going on he could help him with it.

“It's most definitely a good idea, why wouldn’t it be?” Min-Gi asked and Sam looked a little awkward at the question which only served to put Min more on edge. If both his boyfriend and his best friend were going to be acting weird they were going to have a long tour and not in a fun way. After stumbling around his words for a moment, which Min had to admit he found it cute for Sam to do, he finally got his answer.

“I just think he wants his space is all,” Sam said and Min sighed and shook his head because of course he couldn’t have expected Sam to just know everything about Ryan the way that Min-Gi did, but he hadn’t been expecting to have to explain this particular aspect of their friendship when he thought it was pretty obvious.

“Sam, when someone storms off all dramatically like that they never actually want their space,” Min-Gi insisted. “It just means that they want you to go check on them,” Min said though as he said it he felt like he might be wrong. After all, he and Ryan knew well about the importance of communication, they’d been forced to go through an entire journey on a magic train because of it. Ryan would know better than to use these games and would just tell him what he wanted if he wanted him to know, right?

“But…why wouldn’t he just tell you that he wanted to talk?” Sam asked and Min-Gi considered this for a moment too. He didn’t have an answer, and the more he thought about it, the less sense his own logic made, but he wouldn’t back down because he just…he couldn’t stand to just let Ryan stew when he knew that he was upset about something. Ryan wouldn’t leave him like that, he would go check on him.

“I don’t know, I just…” Min trailed off for a moment. “Me and Ryan have known each other for a long time,and I know he wants to talk.” Min said as he headed towards the elevator with Sam in tow so they could go up to Ryan’s room.

Ryan was laying on his bed and wallowing in a cloud of self pity. He’d been doing…well not great but better with Sam and Min’s relationship for a little bit until he saw that kiss. His feelings on their relationship were like a rollercoaster, sometimes he’d reach a peak and just for a second he could put his own selfish desire to be with Min aside and accept the fact that he was happy, and then others he reached the deepest valley were the idea of Min loving anyone but him drove him to despair.

Ryan could confidently say that he was in a valley right now, and one that didn’t seem to have anywhere to go but down. All he could think about was that kiss, was the fact that Min-Gi and Sam had kissed each other when they thought he wasn’t around. They loved each other, and they loved each other in a way that Min used to love Ryan, that Ryan still loved Min. It was a slap in the face and a reminder that no matter how much Ryan loved him and wanted to be with him, he couldn’t.

He had lost the love of his life and that loss was self-inflicted. Why? Did Ryan really value the advice of one woman so much he’d throw away everything he had that made him happy? Was he so unwilling to believe that he and Min-Gi could break the cycle of celebrity couples that he ended things early? Or did he think that he and Min would have some sort of silent agreement to never fall in love again after each other. Ryan knew that he would never love again after Min-Gi but that was easy.

To Ryan Min was a as close to perfect as someone could get, his pragmatism, his humor, his little quirks like the way that he could use slang Ryan thought was so stupid and make it work, the way he weaved metaphors into lyrics. Ryan wasn’t looking for anyone else because he didn’t think there could be anyone else. But Ryan, he wasn’t perfect, he was deeply flawed and so it made sense to him that Min had moved on, that he could move on. And who was Ryan to deny him happiness with his own hangups.

Ryan wanted to spend the rest of the tour locked in some room to avoid Min and Sam so he could stop them from having to deal with him. That was probably the only option because he couldn’t just be around them and be normal. Not when his heart yearned for Min like a man dying of thirst yearns for water. He wanted to apologize for any pain he’d caused him, ask him to run away with him again, away from their contracts and from this tour, away from the pressures of stardom that crushed relationships like they were nothing.

But Ryan wouldn’t do that and he probably couldn’t even if he wanted to. Not just because it would have hurt Min more to have loved someone, to have them end things, and then come back when you’d finally moved on, but because Ryan wasn’t cut out for that type of life. If Min-Gi listened to him and they did settle down somewhere Ryan would regret it forever and he’d resent the life they had. And then he’d resent Min for being the reason that he chose it and they’d fall apart all over again.

“Ryan open up, I want to talk to you,” Min-Gi said as he knocked on Ryan’s door. Sam stood next to him, watching him as he did this, as he tried to convince Min that it wasn’t a good idea. They heard Ryan groan inside, not of pain but of complaint.

“Come on, he doesn’t want to talk. Let’s come back later,” Sam insisted, starting to walk away and after a beat where Ryan predictably did not come to open the door, Min pulled Sam to the side, away from the door, so they could talk in private. Or well, as private as they could get talking in the middle of a hallway. Min-Gi put his head in his hands and gave a deep sigh before making eye contact with Sam.

“Okay. You’re being weird, and Ryan is being weird and I really can only handle one person acting weird at a time so can you at least tell me what’s up?” Min-Gi asked and Sam looked at him apologetically as he seemed to realize how stressed that Min felt about the entire situation and felt bad about adding to that stress. Min softened a bit, not wanting Sam to think he was angry or anything because he wasn’t, he was just a bit tired and frustrated.

“Well it's just that…I think I know what Ryan is upset about, but I’m worried that if I tell you, you won’t be happy to hear my theory.” Sam explained and Min felt surprised. He must have looked surprised too because Sam quickly backpedaled and gave another explanation.

“I’m sorry, I really shouldn't have said anything,” he said and Min-Gi shook his head, put his hand on Sam’s shoulder as a form of comfort.

“Sam, I’m not going to be upset with you for telling me your thoughts, please go ahead.” he said and Sam seemed to believe him because he took a deep breath and then began.

“Well, when we kissed at the concert last night, I saw Ryan and I think he saw us and…I think he’s jealous, basically. I think he’s upset that we’re together.” Sam concluded and Min now felt like Sam was the one who was telling him the sky was green. That was absolutely ludicrous, Sam had to be joking. Ryan wasn’t jealous because that would mean he still liked Min, and he couldn’t still like Min because he’d dumped him. Sam knew all of this, Min had told him, so why didn’t he believe him.

“Sam, I already told you Ryan dumped me. He doesn’t still like me, like at all,” Min-Gi said seriously before he softened once again, not wanting to be too harsh. “But…I get your worries. And it's definitely possible that he’s having trouble adjusting to the change in our friendship dynamic, which could seem like jealousy,” he explained and Sam seemed to take this, not being upset by his words. At that moment, surprisingly Ryan did exit his room and look directly at the two of them, taking a deep breath.

“I’m sorry for being weird at breakfast, I think I’m just a bit tired,” he said as he nervously shuffled. Min wouldn’t accept that excuse and they knew it, so he added something else. “I also think that maybe I was a bit…surprised and upset over everything happening so quickly with the tour and things being different then how I imagined but…I’m working on it,” he explained and Min-Gi nodded at this, seemingly agreeing that was probably the problem.

“It's fine Ryan, I know things are changing a lot but…we have each other. You’ve always got me. So when you start feeling weird just talk to me about it instead of storming off to your room,” he offered and Ryan nodded. Min-Gi offered him a hug and Ryan knew he shouldn’t take it. Whenever he and Min hugged it was like there were sparks of what remained from that relationship in the air, the hugs were too tight and lasted too long and represented a desire for more than the two of them had now. And Sam was standing right there.

But Ryan did take that hug because they were rarer and rarer and he needed it like a grounding force. It reminded him of who he was and what that meant to him. It reminded him of something that seemed too far away and too close, a time that he was craving more than anything. And so he squeezed a little tight and closed his eyes and when the hug was over he wished it lasted for longer. He didn’t make eye contact with either of them as he mentioned going to get more breakfast and walked towards the elevator.

“Well, I’m glad that’s solved,” Min-Gi said casually as he turned to Sam, who seemed deep in thought. It was a look that was familiar, one that he knew needed to be addressed before it grew into a problem. “What are you thinking about?” Min-Gi asked, an implied addition telling Sam he would dispel whatever fear he had not present in the words he said but clear in the tone. Sam looked at him and asked something nervously.

“If Ryan hadn’t broken up with you, would you too still be dating?” Sam asked and Min-Gi didn’t even know how to respond to the question though he was pretty sure on what not to say in response. He knew that “yes” was definitely the wrong answer but also what did that question even mean? It didn’t matter what would have happened if Ryan hadn’t dumped him because he did. That was why Min-Gi avoided thinking about those possible futures, because they could only bring heartache.

“Sam, why are you asking me this?” Min-Gi asked and Sam shrugged but they both knew why. It was a question inside of the question because the real question was one asking if still wanted to be with Ryan. It was asking if he would have initiated a breakup, if those feelings still existed on his side. If a future with Ryan was something he thought about and wanted. “Me and Ryan breaking up was inevitable. If it hadn’t been him it would have been me,” Min answered and his chest tightened because he didn’t know if he was saying the right thing, or why the words burned coming out of his mouth.

Chapter Text

Eventually Ryan, Min-Gi, and Sam all left the hotel where they’d been staying after that first show and they got back on the road. The days blended together while they were on the road, considering their next show was a ways away. It was waking up, washing laundry, eating food and watching movies. Sometimes Min and Sam would invite him to play cards with them and he’d say no, because he and Min-Gi knew each other too well to ever play cards together again, and he knew nothing about Sam and didn’t want to.

But Ryan started to notice something over those slow blended together days, something which he saw out of the corners of his blurred eyes and overheard when he didn’t mean to. It was love, that sort of real, honest love that you can’t describe unless you are in the midst of it. And Ryan saw it in the way Min-Gi and Sam looked at each other, the way they held hands under the table when they figured Ryan wasn’t watching. They way that they sat close together on the couch, with Min’s arm around Sam making them closer.

He heard it too, in the way that they laughed at each other’s stupid jokes, the way that they bantered back and forth in a way that was almost like what he and Min used to do but different because Sam wasn’t him. Sam wasn’t him and Min seemed happy with that, ecstatic about it even. When they teased each other without the benefit or detriment of years of baggage wrapped up in it, when they talked about their childhoods not spent intertwined. When Min learned something about Sam he hadn’t known, because with Ryan he’d known everything.

There was love there and it was exuding off of them, and Ryan couldn’t deny it any longer. And moreover he couldn’t pretend he didn’t understand it; why Min and Sam seemed so happy and in love. He got why Min-Gi had gone out of his way to pick someone who wasn’t at all like himself. Who was Ryan really? His bandmate, his best friend, the jerk that had broken his heart without an explanation. If he was Min-Gi, he would want to get away from himself too. Just because he got it didn’t make Ryan any less sad about it though.

It didn’t stop his heart from yearning with a deep melancholic ache whenever he heard something one of them said, or saw them close together in a way that betrayed love. He heard a ringing in his ears and his vision blurred like his own brain was trying to censor it for him, but that did nothing and he knew it. He and Min-Gi, what they had been, it was gone forever now because Ryan would never ask for his heart again and risk everything they’d built, in their career and personal relationship.

And as for Min-Gi, well…he didn’t love Ryan anymore, that much was clear to even someone looking at the situation from the outside of it all. Ryan needed to stop deluding himself, stop pretending that there was any world where things somehow worked out. He needed to stop holding on to that idea, the one that convinced him that maybe tomorrow Min would change his mind, about Sam, about their careers, about him. That maybe he’d forgive Ryan and he’d get the chance to confess that he’d never stopped loving him, only did what he had to.

That idea was dead now and if Ryan had any sense he’d move on with his life like Min was moving on. But then Ryan would look at them again and see their love and he’d hurt because he missed that feeling, that love that could come from a person, from seeing them and hearing them. Ryan missed being in love with Min-Gi and having it not hurt. But as for the moment he was trapped and his only way out was forward. Ryan couldn’t remember what it was like to move forward, and there was no one left he could ask.

“I think that show went great!” Min-Gi said excitedly, and Ryan nodded, respectfully turning his head when Sam went on to congratulate him, giving him that encouragement that he and Ryan used to give each other. Ryan remembered how they’d kiss after their shows, how they’d hold hands on the way back to the car, and how they’d tell each other how much they loved the other. But they couldn’t do that now and maybe they would never do that again. Ryan stopped himself from wondering if Min and Sam had told each other that they loved the other by now.

“Yeah, and the crowd seemed really hyped, when did the execs say the album was releasing again?” Ryan inquired. He wondered if they’d just gotten a good crowd, or if the people in charge had released the album and the people going were from that. He couldn’t tell from up on the stage when he felt like he was a million feet in the air, in his own little world of music safe away from the struggles of reality, if the crowd was singing along. When he was there, the entire world could have been singing along and he wouldn’t have noticed.

“I think they said it’d be-” Min-Gi had started to say before being cut off. As they’d been walking back to the van there had been a small group of friends exiting the concert who were looking at them and giggling. It honestly reminded Ryan of high school the way they’d stare for a bit and then turn back to the group with a giggling smile. He almost wondered if he had some toilet paper on his shoe or something. Evidently not, as a girl from the group seemed to walk over to them nervously.

“Hi, so like…this is weird and I swear I never do this, but my friends convinced me and…” the girl started to say, clearly nervous. She was talking to Ryan specifically, not addressing the other two people with him, and Ryan felt an awkward nervousness build inside of him, so he studied her to keep his mind off of it. Her hair was in a kind of mullet with the sides shaved and her outfit was fishnets and leather from her gloves and stockings to her skirt and jacket. “Anyway the point is I was wondering if you’d want to like…go out, while you’re still in town,” she said and Ryan blinked.

“Uh…y-yes?” Ryan said, giving an answer that sounded more like a question than anything. He wasn’t quite sure, but he was definitely suspecting that he’d just said yes to a date with this woman he didn’t know out of sheer shock and nervousness. For her part she seemed excited and quickly handed him a piece of paper with some information written on it, like a time and address and phone number, before heading away with the rest of her group of friends. He blinked again, looking at the paper and then to the empty space where she’d been.

“Nice, she seemed really into you,” Min-Gi said, gently elbowing him and Ryan was snapped back to reality where he was standing outside of their tour bus. “Are you going to go through with it?” he asked and Sam started climbing onto the bus, and Min followed close behind. Ryan didn’t know what to say, so he went with what had gotten him into this mess in the first place.

“Yes,” he responded before climbing onto the van and slinking away to the sleeping area to lay down for a bit. Min settled in the front room with Sam while he watched his boyfriend pick a movie, which he eventually did before sitting down next to him. Min’s mind was absolutely elsewhere however, not at all focused on the movie in front of him. He gave Sam a kiss out of habit and pretended to be engrossed in the film but he couldn’t have even told what movie he was watching if asked.

Ryan was going on a date with that girl who had asked him out in the parking lot. Min was happy for him, he was happy that Ryan was getting out there and moving on, especially since it would probably make him less hostile about Min being with Sam. And yet there was something else there, something inside of him that Min-Gi couldn’t quite identify making him feel something other than joy at the idea of Ryan dating someone else. Min-Gi knew it was probably just because Ryan was his ex, and that meant that the idea was still a little weird.

But it wasn’t just that, it wasn’t just an average weird feeling that you get when you find out your ex is seeing someone else. Min-Gi kept thinking of things in his head while the movie played in the background, just questions about the logistics of all of this. Ryan was on tour with him, and that meant he was going to stay on the road, and did he really expect to keep up a relationship with this girl in those conditions? And outside of that, who was this girl, just approaching a singer outside of their concert asking for a date?

Min had to wonder if he was the only one who found her asking him out in those circumstances a little weird. And moreover, Ryan didn’t know anything about this girl, not even her name, and he was just going to take her out. A part of Min wanted to insist that Ryan not go, at least not until they figured out more about exactly who she was and what she wanted but he knew it was a ludiocris thing to request or want. Despite knowing this to be true Min-Gi couldn't stop the weird way he was feeling.

“You thinking about something babe?” Sam asked and suddenly Min-Gi remembered that he was in a happy, loving relationship, and who Ryan dated and what their intentions were had nothing to do with him. So he smiled and snuggled closer to Sam, close enough that he could hear his heart beat like the steady metronome his old viola teacher used to bring with her to his lessons.

“Nah, I’m just enjoying the movie. It's so wicked that they’re still making Bond movies, I remember me and Ryan used to watch them all the time as kids,” Min-Gi mentioned and then he wondered if he’d made a mistake bringing up Ryan at all, wondered if he should have been silent instead of talking. If he did make a mistake Sam didn’t say anything, only nodded as “For Your Eyes Only” kept playing and they pretended for a moment that their relationship was easy, and not marred by outside factors.

Ryan lay awake in bed that night after the bus had taken them to their hotel for the night, and stared at the ceiling like if he did the constellations would appear and give him guidance. The ceiling wasn’t any help to him however, and so he just stared aimlessly, thinking about what was going to happen. Honestly, this entire date might have been nostalgic if it wasn’t for the fact that it was happening to him at the moment. He remembered this pattern, the one where he used meaningless relationships to forget about Min-Gi.

He supposed it had worked better back then because he couldn’t see Min, didn’t have to be around him and remember that the love of his life was right there and he couldn’t be with him. Now Min-Gi was right there and it felt like it was impossible to pretend that he didn’t want him more than anyone else. But Ryan was going to do it anyway, because there was nothing else for him to do other than to try and move on. There was no him or Min any more, or any chance that there ever would be. If he wanted to be a good friend, if he wanted to be someone who Min could have in his life he had to move on.

That was what Ryan reminded himself when six that next night rolled around and he got dressed and ready to head out. He got a tactful compliment from Min-Gi which filled his heart like nothing else because he remembered how they used to shower the other in those compliments whenever they got the chance, and how long it had been since they’d had a chance to. And he got an awkward compliment from Sam which made him feel somewhere in between offended and uncomfortable.

And then he headed to the restaurant where he was supposed to meet this girl and stood outside of the building for a bit. He could bail now, he could ditch the date and find a place to hang out and wallow for a few hours and come back and pretend the date went well. He could even go back now and tell the truth. But he wouldn’t do those things because Ryan wanted Min-Gi to be happy and he was happy, he was happy with Sam. And if he didn’t want to mess up that happiness he had to get happy too.

“Stacy?” Ryan said as he entered the place and she turned around to look at him, smiling and ushering him over to the booth where she was sitting. Ryan sat down across from her and faked a smile in return. He reminded himself that this was just what putting yourself out there felt like, and that it wasn’t any different then when he was on the road even though that was a lie.

“Ryan, wow you look great,” she said and Ryan felt a surprised blush come across his face at how bold she was, how quickly she’d launched into everything. “To be honest, I was a bit worried you wouldn’t come. I’m…really sorry about how asking you out and everything went, I swear I was only expressing a musical interest in you to my friends and then-” she started and Ryan quickly cut her off without meaning to.

“You play music?” he asked and she nodded excitedly.

“Yeah! I play a bit of bass but my real love is the drums. My kit is like…my baby,” she explained and Ryan lit up because she seemed like she really got it. “I’m sorry, when I tell people that they usually think it's weird,” she explained and Ryan quickly shook his head.

“No no, I get it. Like…I get it,” he explained and the conversation flowed naturally as time went on and the appetizers arrived. They ate and it was like they could read each other's minds, the topics moved just like Ryan would have moved them. They thought similar things about food, music and clothes. Ryan had thought even when they’d met that her fashion sense had been absolutely awesome and she thought the same about his date outfit. She was also in a band, though mostly just for fun rather than a career.

“Okay okay, you like horror movies,” she said, after the two of them were well into their meals. “Well have you seen the objectively scariest movie of all time, Cannibal Holocuast?” she asked and Ryan scoffed.

“Please, I saw that movie in grade nine,” he responded and she faked a gasp and then smirked at him before giving a response.

“I saw it in grade eight,” she said before giving a laugh. Ryan watched as she took the paper off of her straw and balled it up, playing with it for a bit, idly like she needed something to do with her hands. It dawned on Ryan that this girl was basically one of if not the coolest person he’d ever met. Her hair, her attitude, everything about her reminded him of the type of person he’d grown up wanting to be. If she’d been on a poster he would have had it plastered to his wall of idols in high school. She was incredible.

And yet he looked at her and he didn’t feel anything other than plain admiration. No desire for a relationship, no passion, no love. He didn’t feel the things that told you that you should start a relationship with someone because she wasn’t Min-Gi Park and now and forever that was the only person Ryan wanted. He could meet the perfect person, he had met the perfect person, and he couldn’t bring himself to feel what should have been easy to feel. In another universe Ryan knew he’d be looking at his soulmate.

But in this universe his soulmate was back at the hotel, with his boyfriend, not thinking about Ryan at all. And he knew if he thought about it any more he’d cry in front of this girl who he didn’t know, and so he didn’t. He paid the check, told her he had a good time but gave some lie about not looking for a relationship while he was on the road and she believed him. Ryan did want a relationship, he missed love, missed what it felt like. But he only wanted it with one person, and it was a person he’d never have.

Chapter Text

Min-Gi knew that something was wrong with Ryan and had been since he’d been on his date. When he’d come back he’d been evasive, and hadn’t wanted to tell him what happened. Sam had choked it up to him not wanting to discuss his dating life with his ex, and Min understood how it could look like that to an outsider. But the truth was he and Ryan discussed everything, even uncomfortable things and they always had. The fact that Ryan hadn’t wasn’t a sign of him not wanting to talk, it was a cry for help.

It was that or Min was just reading too much into things which he refused to believe was the case. After all, Min-Gi was the Ryan whisperer and always had been. If anyone knew Ryan, knew what he was like and what he felt it was him. Min had always known…well until he hadn’t of course. Until Ryan had ripped his heart out and decided they weren’t meant to be together like they’d always said. Min hadn’t been able to read Ryan then, nor in the months after when he’d look in Ryan’s eyes and see his pain reflected back at him.

But Min knew now, he had to know. If he didn’t know that meant something Min-Gi didn’t even want to entertain, the idea that he and Ryan really truly were growing apart. It made him sick to his stomach to even consider it so he wouldn’t. Min had tried and was trying so hard to balance the changes in his life, his relationship, his friendship, his own self-interest. He hated to think that he was failing, that he was losing a part of his life and a skill that he valued. So, he thought about Ryan and worried himself sick after his date.

“You know, you can’t keep panicking every time Ryan goes on a date, how are you going to handle it when he gets married?” Sam said and his tone wasn’t accustory, just concerned. As much as he hated to admit it Min figured his concern was probably warranted, he did have a tendency to want to check on Ryan and make sure things were okay. But it was because Ryan was his best friend in the world, it was nothing deeper than that.

“I won’t be panicking at all then, because I’m not at all concerned about his love life, I’m concerned about him,” Min-Gi had responded. The two were getting ready for the day, Sam in the other room brushing his teeth while Min toweled off his hair. “And also, when he marries someone I’d hope it wouldn’t be someone who makes him come home all sad,” Min added and he could hear the eye roll from the other room.

“How do you even know he’s sad? What if he’s perfectly fine and you’re reading too much into things?” Sam asked and it occurred to Min that he didn’t have an answer. There wasn’t a way that he could know Ryan was actually upset about something other than some vague sense of intuition which could and often was very wrong. It wasn’t like he could just stop caring about Ryan though, or worrying when he thought he was hurt but…it also wasn’t like he had to treat it like the worst thing in the world. Min-Gi stopped drying his hair and sighed.

“Maybe you’re right,” he said walking out of the bathroom. Sam for his money looked surprised at this, like he hadn’t actually been expecting a concession. Nobody ever really did in these types of small disagreements with your partner, they’re just to air grievances so they don’t become arguments. And yet in this case Sam had won at least in the metaphorical sense. “I mean, it's completely possible Ryan is fine. And if he isn’t…it's not like a bad date is something I’m needed after, right?” Min-Gi said and Sam softened considerably.

Ryan was for his credit, miserable after that date, and wishing he was far away from where he was. He wondered about an idea he’d heard once, that there were a million universes where there are a million versions of yourself who are all living lives, some almost exactly like yours and some radically different. Ryan thought about all of those other Ryan’s and other Min-Gis, and held out hope there was a version of them out there who had made it work. That there was a version of him holding Min in his arms instead of a pillow.

Ryan had never believed in soulmates until he and Min-Gi had started dating and he realized it was because he and Min-Gi had been together for so long that he’d assumed how he felt about him was normal. Soulmates never appealed to him because he’d always had his right by his side and never noticed. After all, why would he need another person who fit perfectly with him by his side when he already had that with Min. It was only when they’d been apart the first time that he realized how different the world was without him.

And when they’d been on that train, when they’d reunited and come together to get off…Ryan really did feel like he’d learned the lesson then. He’d never leave his soulmate ever again, he’d love and cherish him and make sure he knew that he cared about him more than anything or anyone. He’d be a good partner, the best even, because there was no one out there for him quite like Min-Gi. It was now, after this second time being without him that he realized the other end of soulmates.

Being without them makes you feel like there’s a hole where your soul should be, makes you feel like you should have something where there is nothing. Ryan thought about that woman at the party with that understated coldness about her and figured that if she really had lost the love of her life then he understood why she was like that. He wanted to at once thank her and erase her from his history. It was because of her that he was in this situation but it was also because of her that he wasn’t worse off.

Like doing CPR on a person and breaking their ribs, the pain you’re in is better than the alternative, but when you’re laying there healing from broken ribs it certainly doesn’t feel like it at all. Ryan knew that if things had taken the other path that he’d be in much more pain, growing to hate and resent the only person he’d ever loved. But that almost felt preferable to him at this point. At least then he’d have given it his all, swung for the fences and seen from himself that he and Min-Gi couldn’t beat the odds.

He thought about the Ryan in the universe where he ignored the woman’s advice, he had to exist somewhere out there. And he was probably alone, unsuccessful and sad somewhere wondering about him, wondering about if he was any better off than he was. If he could go back to that moment Ryan didn’t know what he’d say to his past self, and honestly knowing him he’d probably just end up making things worse. He wanted to go somewhere and be alone, and possibly drunk.

“What do you want to do with the rest of our day?” Min-Gi asked after him and Sam had gotten dressed for the day. “I’ve been so concerned with Ryan this entire tour, and if I’ve been ignoring you because of it I’m sorry, so after today’s show let’s go and do what you want to,” he added, holding Sam’s hands in his own, smiling at him in a way that betrayed real honesty and love. Sam smiled happily at him and leaned in, enjoying this moment of closeness and care.

“Well…you know, we’re pretty far from New York and everything, halfway across the country in a totally different city in fact…you want to see the sights?” Sam asked and Min-Gi nodded, sealing the agreement with a kiss before they stared into each other's eyes some more. How had Min been so focused on other things that he’d been blind to this, to the romance that was right in front of him. He promised himself that for the rest of the tour he’d be more focused on his current relationship, and wouldn't worry over Ryan unless he really needed to.

“I love the sound of that, after the show let’s go get some food, and then let’s explore the city before we’re out of here,” he said after they headed out of the hotel room and down to the lobby. Ryan was already down there surprisingly, and on the phone with someone. Min really had been worrying for nothing, considering he was chatting easily on the phone and had gotten up early, he’d clearly managed to be alright enough to function without Min’s help.

“Yeah okay, I’ll tell him,” Min heard Ryan say as he and Sam approached. Ryan hung up the phone call and then turned his attention to the two of them.

“What was that about?” Min-Gi asked as he studied Ryan. It was instinctual, a habit he knew he needed to break but he couldn’t help it. He looked at Ryan, the dark circles beneath his eyes and the puffiness around them and wondered if he had actually slept at all, if he’d actually been up all night crying and had needed him, but he shoved that down. He wouldn’t worry about Ryan unless he needed him, and he didn’t right now.

“The label was calling about the album, sales for the first single came out and it's doing well,” he said and then he paused for dramatic effect before saying. “Glory City is number twelve on the charts,” he said and Min’s jaw must have dropped because it really was incredible. They were nobodies, a couple guys who never really expected to get their dreams and now they had them, people were listening and they were buying. It was so exciting he wanted to jump up and down or squeal but instead he just smiled wide.

“That’s incredible!” he announced and Sam looked at him smiling, told him that he was proud of him.

“We’ll have to go somewhere really nice after the show to celebrate,” he said and Min-Gi was inclined to agree, they’d need a proper feast to celebrate this success. They headed out to the show, excited and ready for whatever came next and it had gone well. It honestly felt like every show was better than the last on the road and Min-Gi didn’t know if it was because they were getting more famous or because he was having more fun but whatever it was, it was working miracles.

Min-Gi and Sam had left after the show was over to go be together, and do something together, and Ryan was alone again, like he always felt nowadays. Watching the two of them leave together had maybe been the most difficult thing he’d ever felt because that should have been him and Min-Gi celebrating their success together, exploring the city together, and instead it was him and Sam. It was like he’d been removed from his own life and now he was just a ghost floating in a world that didn’t need him anymore.

He remembered his thought from earlier about getting drunk and decided against it considering he was alone in a strange city, but decided he’d probably get the same numbing effect from walking around the city alone and keeping his head down, so he left the hotel to go do that when he finished wallowing for what he thought was an acceptable amount of time. He shrugged on his jacket and went to explore in big quotation marks. Mostly though he wanted to be alone.

“That comedian was a mess! I could have come up with better material in my sleep,” Ryan heard a voice that sounded vaguely familiar say as he was walking some unfamiliar street past what he assumed was a comedy club of sometime. He heard another voice respond in kind to the first one, one that wasn’t familiar to him at all.

“Well you didn’t have to heckle him until he cried Amelia,” the voice responded, laughing and then he heard a torrent of laughter like there was a group of people amused by this entire situation. And then it occurred to him as he crossed the street towards the voices, and saw the faces of the people around them. It was her, that woman, she was in the center of a group of friends coming out of a comedy club, her with her chestnut shoulder length hair and stare which was less icy then he had been.

“You! Hey! Amelia!” Ryan yelled at the group as he ran towards them and the girl who was apparently named Amelia saw him and stopped walking with the group.

“You guys go on without me,” she said to them before turning towards him. “Do I know you?” she asked and Ryan realized that what had been a turning point day for him wasn’t even of note to her.

“Yeah! We met at a wedding you snuck into for free booze, told me to dump my boyfriend,” he said and recognition flashed in her eyes not once but twice and she suddenly looked guilty in a way he hadn’t expected to see from her. She didn’t say anything about it though, just nodded and said something he really wasn’t expecting.

“Can I buy you a drink?” she asked and Ryan was completely caught off guard, but decided to say yes, because if he could tell anyone what he was going through, what he was feeling, it would be this woman. He could dump it on her in a way he couldn’t with Min or anyone else for that matter.

“Yeah that sounds good,” Ryan said and so they went to a nearby bar and she bought him a beer and got one for herself and they talked to each other casually for a bit until he was bold enough to say what he was really feeling. “God I just…I broke up with him after you told me to. And I get it you know, you know people who went through it, you were trying to save me, and things went well for us career wise so I’m sure we’d have torn ourselves apart by now anyway but…” Ryan could feel the tears forming in his eyes that he didn’t bother to fight back. “I feel so wrong without him. Like there’s a hole in my chest where our love should be. And everyday I feel like a walking zombie because living without him…it hurts. It hurts so much,” he said.

“I…” Amelia said nervously, giving him an awkward pat on the shoulder as he cried before looking down at her beer seriously, taking a swig, and then looking at him. “I have to tell you something.” she said and when Ryan looked at her in the eyes she seemed to become more human. “I…when I told you that, I’d just lost my husband and I’d just come off of an…odd experience. I’d been told in no uncertain terms that he was never coming back and I had to accept that, and I did accept that. But I was still bitter,” she said and Ryan looked at her confused.

“What?” he said, unclear about where this was going. Amelia continued.

“I was just…still bitter and so when I saw you agai- I mean when I saw you, in love and living your dreams I saw…the life I wanted. And so I told you to leave him because I couldn’t stand the idea of people being in love and having love when I’d been denied it, and I’m sorry,” she explained and Ryan stared at her dumbstruck. “I know this is probably a lot to hear but…maybe this is a good thing, that you know now. Maybe it will give you closure.” she said, and suddenly Ryan remembered where he’d heard this woman’s voice before.

“See, this is a good thing…” Ryan muttered to himself before standing up.

“I’m sorry?” she asked after not hearing what he was muttering.

“I remember where I heard your voice. Before the wedding. I know.” Ryan said and she looked even more uncomfortable, looking the way Ryan felt on the inside.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said nervously and Ryan stared at her with the ice that she’d once had in her eyes.

“Don’t play with me.” he said seriously and she bowed her head, apologetically.

“I really am sorry Ryan,” she said but Ryan was walking out of the bar and couldn’t hear her. Everything he’d lost, the love of his life and the best relationship he’d ever had, his soulmate, was gone because of one bitter woman’s lie. But it wasn’t Amelia’s fault really, or at least not completely. It was him, his fear of being left by Min like he’d been left in the past, his fear of the instability of their relationship, his fear of losing his career. It wasn’t the industry or Amelia or whatever else he wanted to blame. He was the reason he was unhappy…and the reason he’d never be happy again.

Chapter Text

Ryan was on autopilot, and had been since his talk with Amelia. Returning home from that night had been a blur, as he stumbled into the hotel blinded by the pain of knowing wholly and completely what he’d been fairly sure about for a long time, the fact that his reason to break up with Min-Gi had been nothing more than a facade. Ryan didn’t trust his own happiness and he didn’t trust himself not to ruin things. In that fear, in that recklessness, he’d ruined things to keep from feeling like he was destined to.

He wanted to go out on his own terms because he refused to even consider the idea that maybe he was capable of making things last. Ryan had weighed the odds and roominated on his own chances of failure and decided that he was more likely to screw everything up than to make things right. Amelia had only told him what he’d wanted, or rather expected to hear: that it was better to cut his own losses and give up what he had than to run the risk of letting himself fail like he’d failed in every other relationship.

He’d passed out in his bed, overcome with sadness and fury that all mixed and boiled over into a complete and utter emptiness leaving him feeling nothing except exhaustion. When he woke up though, Ryan had been pissed. He’d watched to smash everything in the hotel room as he was packing up to get back on the tour bus, he wanted to get into a pointless fight, and he wanted that fight to be against himself more than anything, though Sam was a close second. He wanted an outlet for the anger he felt at the revelation.

How could he have been so stupid, how could he have ever thought to give up on his relationship with Min-Gi when they’d been perfect together? How could he let himself believe that there was anyway he was doing the right thing when it had torn the both of them apart to do it? He watched Min as he loaded his stuff on the tour bus with the help of Sam and wanted to kick the tires of the van because he loved Min more than anything and Min wasn’t his anymore and never would be, and he couldn’t fix it.

But Ryan couldn’t do that, any of that. He wasn’t allowed to rage or scream or throw a tantrum like a child and the more he thought about it the more he knew he wouldn’t want to anyway. He wasn’t angry, he was sad, more sad than anything. He could close his eyes and picture the future he and Min-Gi might’ve had together if not for his actions. The cuddling and the kissing, the long nights spent awake working on their creative projects, the way they’d squeeze each other tight in celebration of every accomplishment.

He could peek into a world that seemed so close and so out of reach and that hurt more than never having seen it all, so Ryan swallowed his feelings about it, and he cried when he was alone in the bus. When he woke up early in the morning because the sun rose and he ate his cereal alone he cried and when he went to bed early to give the two times alone he cried then too. But soon Ryan ran out of tears to cry and he realized quickly that he wasn’t sad either, that he didn’t even really want to cry.

He wasn’t anything at all, actually. Ryan was numb, he was a glass with a leak in it and every emotion that filled him up when he thought about Min-Gi leaked out. So he thought about the tour and about what they needed to do. He was a rockstar after all and it was time he started focusing on doing his job. So he’d eat when he was supposed to eat and he’d perform his shows like he rehearsed and he wouldn’t cry at all. And at the end of the night he’d stare at the ceiling and think but not feel.

“Something is wrong with him,” Min-Gi insisted as he and Sam unpacked their items once again for another stay in a hotel between performances. He was, as he had been often during this tour, concerned about Ryan and honestly he was inclined to be okay with that. He gave it time like he knew he should, but Ryan wasn’t getting any better and he was still acting off. It had been two weeks and four shows of him acting off like he was and Min couldn’t think of anything left to do but try to confront him about it.

“In other news, the sky is blue today.” Sam asked, mock hopefully as he straightened the lap in their room and Min did feel a pang of guilt since he knew that he probably shouldn’t be talking to Sam about this. On the other hand though, it almost felt like it was the right thing to do, considering if he just went and talked to Ryan without mentioning his concern to Sam he might think something else. Why that was the first place his mind went to was a question and answer that escaped Min-Gi’s mind as he thought it.

“Sam, I’m serious,” Min said, folding his arms and straightening up, having finished putting the shirts in the drawer. Sam sighed and turned to look at him, and they were staring at each other for a moment like that. Min-Gi felt the formation of a pit in his stomach, the kind that told him they’d probably have a disagreement soon and though he didn’t want that he didn’t see any way he could stop it.

“Min-Gi, I’m serious too,” Sam said and Min must have given him a look that showed he was completely lost as to what he meant, because Sam continued. “Don’t you see what he’s doing? The pattern that constantly pops up?” Sam asked and Min-Gi shook his head, before holding his temple like he did when he was exasperated.

“What are you getting at?” he asked and Sam seemed like he really didn’t want to say whatever it was that he was about to say, but he felt like his hand was forced. Sam really wasn’t usually the type to hold his tongue about what he felt or play mind games, and Min felt his hands shake at whatever he was going to say that required such thought and determination before he finally spit it out.

“Ryan is manipulating you-” he started and Min opened his mouth to say something which Sam quickly noticed and shut down. “Listen I know your first thought is to deny it and stick up for him because you care about him, and I get it, I really do, but Min-Gi it's obvious. Everytime you take your attention away from him for even a second all of the sudden he’s all mopey and woe is me, and once you give him that attention he’s all better.” Sam asserted and Min ignored his warning to hear him out, jumping to Ryan’s defense.

“Ryan isn’t like that at all, he’d never use how he’s feeling to manipulate people and besides…I mean, he’s had shutdowns before. It's not about me, why would it be?” Min asked and Sam looked at him in a way that was almost pleading, begging him not to force him to say it. He broke eye contact and looked at the floor, like he wasn’t capable of looking Min in the eyes at that moment.

“You know my theory,” Sam said and when Min-Gi raised an eyebrow at him, daring him to say it, he took up the challenge. “He’s still in love with you. And he can’t stand to see you happy with anyone but him, and so he’s trying to make sure that we don’t get any time to be a couple.” he said and finally Sam returned to looking Min in the eyes. “Don’t give him what he wants; please, babe,” Sam said and even though every part of Min-Gi was torn, Min gave him a soft kiss and a response he wouldn’t like.

“I need you to trust me,” he said, and Sam breathed, and let him leave to go check on Ryan because he knew there was no stopping him, knew there was no way to keep him from caring about Ryan the way he did. It was admirable, almost. Sam wanted to hold his hand and ask him if he’d ever care about their relationship the way he seemed to care about him and Ryan’s but it seemed too cruel of a position to put him in. So instead he watched as he walked out of the door and towards Ryan’s room.

Ryan didn’t bother to unpack his clothes from the suitcase, if he needed to get clothes he’d get them straight out of the case and he was too lazy to do it any other way. He kicked off his shoes and climbed under the tightly made covers of the hotel bed, letting them press him flat like a flower between the pages of a book and he wondered what the point of anything was. He loved performing, he was supposed to love performing and yet he didn’t in the slightest, not anymore anyway. He did it because he had to, and he did it for Min.

That was why he was doing so much of what he was doing right now, for Min-Gi. It was to avoid hurting him and dragging him down to the same place that Ryan found himself in. If he truly was selfish, and only cared about how he personally felt he might storm into Min-Gi’s room and confess to him that he loved him and had never stopped loving him, he might tell him that the only thing he’d ever wanted was to be with him and maybe he’d even kiss him like he used to, right in front of Sam. That would have felt amazing to him personally.

But it probably would have ruined his relationship with Min-Gi further. Sam would of course hate him even more than he probably already did, and while Ryan didn’t care about that he did care about Min-Gi. If Sam hated him then of course Min would be put in a horrible situation of being caught in the middle. Or, even more likely, Min would hate him forever for it, and he’d never want to see him again. Maybe he’d leave the band or give up on music all together just to avoid being around him.

Maybe he’d tearfully return back home and try to get his life back together, all the while thinking about how someone he’d thought he could trust had ripped out his heart, and just when he’d started to trust again the same person had broken him again. Ryan thought about the scenario as he lay in bed, until he heard a knock on the door, and he sat up, quickly looking in the mirror and straightening himself out, so he didn’t look as bad as he felt.

“Ryan, I wanted to check on you,” Min-Gi said almost nervously when Ryan answered the door. He looked like a bit of a mess, his hair ruffled and flat in places like he’d been laying on it, and his clothes were wrinkled like he’d slept in them, which Min-Gi knew was probably impossible considering they only arrived at the hotel an hour ago. Peaking into his room all the lights were off and the curtains were drawn, so as to avoid anyone getting a good look at the state of the room. “Can I come in?” Min asked.

“Uh…sure?” Ryan said though Min was already walking past him into the room and opening the curtains, turning on the lights. He sighed annoyed when he saw Ryan’s unpacked suitcase laying in the middle of the room, unpacked despite the time he’d had to take care of it. “What did you want to check on me for?” Ryan asked, still trying to maintain that numbness, though seeing Min was like his soul being filled up with something and even if it would all leak out eventually at least for now he could feel it.

“You’ve been acting weird lately,” Min said bluntly as he started to unzip Ryan’s suitcase and open his drawers, which Ryan objected to quickly.

“Um…why are you going through my stuff?” he asked and Min made eye contact with him like it was obvious before finally giving his answer.

“I’m folding your clothes because it's clear you’re not going to do it,” he explained before turning his attention back to the pile of laundry thrown haphazardly into Ryan’s bag. “And while I do this, you can thank me by telling me what’s up,” Min-Gi said without looking up from his folding. Ryan rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and it occurred to him that he wasn’t getting Min out of his room, and more importantly that it was very unlikely that Min was going to drop the subject. Distracting him was probably the best move.

“Well, if you’re going to be putting away my stuff I should at least help you,” Ryan assessed as he got on his knees next to Min and started folding. “You act like such a mom by the way. Well, not my mom, my mom didn’t fold our clothes actually. I guess you act like your mom, since your clothes were always folded when I came over,” Ryan said as he tried to fill the dead air, tried not to give Min a chance to inquire about him, and as he tried to savor the rare few moments of time with him and Min-Gi, alone in their world.

“Ryan,” Min said looking at him, and Ryan swallowed as his big brown eyes seemed to see right through everything Ryan said and everything he was, as if Min could see down to the very core of his soul. Ryan felt naked and exposed in the way a newborn is, as if he knew nothing and was seeing everything for the first time. “You’re rambling,” Min-Gi assessed and Ryan let out an awkward laugh, suppressing anything else because every part of him wanted to confess. He and Min-Gi were here together now, alone.

Their hands brushed gently against each other as they reached for the same garment and then they were staring at each other again. Ryan could feel his heart beating in his ears and he hadn’t felt this way being close to Min since before they were dating. The only thing keeping them apart in that moment was the distance between them…and Ryan wouldn’t close it, no matter how desperately he wished too. He wouldn’t ruin Min’s life, not again like he had that night in the van.

“Sorry,” Ryan said, removing his hand and Min-Gi didn’t know why he wished he’d kept it there, why he kept studying every feature of Ryan like he was the only thing on earth worth looking at. He didn’t want to know however, whatever the answer was would likely be too much too fast and he wasn’t willing to deal with it. He didn’t want to know why Ryan could still bring the pink to his cheeks, why he still made him feel like he was a teenager again, why being this close to him made Min feel like he was doing something wrong.

“It's…” Min started to say before being distracted by the garment at the bottom of the suitcase. “Ryan! You brought the shirt I made you with you?” Min-Gi asked shocked and Ryan looked so embarrassed he almost felt inclined to tease him like he used to, though it felt like a bridge too far in this instance and he didn’t know why.

“I mean…I always bring it, it's good luck,” he reminded Min and Min-Gi shook his head as a memory came back to his mind.

“Yeah, but you stopped wearing it when we were on the road. You told me I was all the good luck you ne-” Min stopped himself even though most of the sentence had escaped his lips. He didn’t know why he stopped at first, it wasn’t as if the quote from Ryan was romantic in nature or anything of the sort. But it was something about it, about knowing the context in which he’d said it had been romantic that made everything feel different. It was a memory like many others, faded by so many nights where Min tried to forget what he and Ryan had once been.

“That’s the last shirt.” Ryan said matter of factly and Min-Gi took that as a sign that it was time for him to leave the moment, if for no other reason than to escape the feeling that he’d done something horribly wrong during the conversation. His heart ached in a way he couldn’t explain but that felt so familiar, like a song heard in a dream years ago. He closed the door behind him, not bothering to say goodbye as he did so, trying to explain his heart rate. As he did he realized he had never asked Ryan what he was feeling upset about.

Chapter Text

Sam and Min-Gi weren’t currently speaking, and Ryan knew it because the two of them were making it absolutely everyone else’s problem. This was a major problem from Ryan in specific, because other than the bus driver, everyone else consisted of Ryan, and Ryan exclusively so really they were making it his problem. And that left Ryan conflicted because he almost wanted to be happy that Min and Sam weren’t speaking, as bad as he knew it was, because that meant that maybe there was a chance that they’d break up.

And if there was a chance that they’d break up then there was a chance that Min might wake up and decide to give the two of them another chance and then, finally then, Ryan could confess how absolutely crushingly in love with Min he was. But, then he was brought back to reality, and specifically a reality that reminded him that even if they did break up, Min was not going to get back with Ryan considering he’d already hurt him in the past. And, even if he did want to get back with him, Min probably thought Ryan didn’t want him back.

That didn’t even mention the fact that Min would be, you know, sad over the end of his relationship if they broke up. And the last thing Ryan was going to do was wish for more sadness for the love of his life. So Ryan couldn’t even enjoy the fact that Sam was being iced out by Min and that Sam was icing him out as well. With all of the ice Ryan could only be reminded of the chilly atmosphere of the car with the creepy hand-monster he and Min-Gi had encountered.

Ryan wished there was a way to just surgically remove Sam from their lives without hurting Min-Gi, just like he wished there was a way to let him know that he loved him and wanted to be with him, without actually confessing. Honestly though, at this point Ryan would have settled for removing himself from the situation so that he didn’t have to endure the painful situation of watching them avoid each other on the very small tour bus. At the very least, the tour was close to over, with only a few more shows left on their docket.

But what about after the show? What about when they got back to New York and Sam and Min weren’t stuck together every single day and got some time to cool off and fell back in love? What about every day after this where Ryan had to stay by the side of the person he loved the most in the world and watch as he drifted further and further apart from him? This tour was supposed to be a reprieve from Sam and then it had become hell, trapped with him and with Min-Gi while the two were more in love then anything.

Now though, this, whatever it was, seemed more like a purgatory keeping Ryan from the safety of his previous relationship with Min-Gi but protecting him from the pain of the future that was right around the corner. A future where maybe Min and Sam stayed together, or maybe one where they broke up and Min-Gi dated someone else. And then suddenly Sam wouldn't be the problem, even though he never really had been. When Min dated someone else suddenly Ryan would have to face the fact that it was just going to be reality now. And that was the problem.

So, that put Ryan in an awkward enough situation without the intervention of Min and Sam who seemed to be playing a game to make him specifically the most uncomfortable. Ryan didn’t know exactly what they were arguing about and he wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. He was pretty sure it was about him in some way, but what that way was alluded him completely, and maybe he should feel grateful for that. Though, if he knew what it was maybe then he might be able to clear the air a bit, even if the idea of helping Sam and Min stay together made him want to vomit.

Min-Gi had returned to his room after talking to Ryan a few days ago, and Sam wasn’t talking to him. And then he’d gone and slept on the bus, and eaten breakfast before him, and now he still wasn’t talking to him even though it had been three days since then and now they were back on the road headed to one of their very last shows. This was very unlike Sam, and Min knew it was unlike Sam and so that made him even more worried. But honestly, even if he didn’t know why exactly Sam was upset with him he felt like he deserved it.

Even if he tried to suppress it, and he had spent years trying to suppress it, being alone with Ryan still reminded him why he’d fallen for his best friend in the first place. Min didn’t love Ryan anymore, that much he was fairly certain of, but he still felt something for him and he couldn’t stop himself. He wondered if Sam could sense it, and that was why he wouldn’t talk to him, because he could tell that Min was the type of person to be in love with Sam but still feel something for Ryan.

It was painful, and he wanted to talk to Sam, he wanted to reach out and apologize but he didn’t know what he was apologizing for even if he could speculate. He just wanted things to go back to the way that they had been, even if he was never quite sure what he was referring to when he said “back to the way things were,”. He slept in his bed cubby on the bus and he’d think about how much fun he and Sam had back when they’d just started dating, before Ryan was ever in the picture and he wondered if he should have never told Ryan they were together.

But Min-Gi didn’t like to make decisions without thinking them through first, and he didn’t like to act irrationally. And for Min, telling Ryan about Sam was something he had to do for the same reason he brought Sam on this tour. It made him feel more normal, it made their relationship feel more stable. Normal couples could tell their friends that they were dating someone and expect support, so he told Ryan because Ryan was his best friend. And normal couples didn’t spend weeks alone on the road with their exes, and so he brought Sam because Ryan was his ex.

But that was the thing that made everything so gross and complicated, the fact that Ryan was his ex and his best friend in the world. He needed Ryan in his life because he’d always been there, and removing him, or having him removed, had felt like a part of him had been cut away. But being with Ryan, being with him alone especially, complicated and confused things, made everything an absolute trash fire of emotions that turned into a blaze he couldn't control. He loved Sam and he needed Ryan, and the two seemed incompatible.

He looked over at Sam, silently eating cereal, and he looked at Ryan on the couch doing a cat's cradle and he wondered what he was supposed to do. And so he did what he’d been doing this entire time which was nothing. Instead he sat there silently because breaking the silence might mean a fight or even worse it might mean picking a side and Min-Gi didn’t want to choose between them. He wanted to have his best friend and his boyfriend and have it be okay. But maybe he was asking too much, or maybe he was a coward.

Ryan stared at his hands and realized he’d started doing a cat’s cradle with the rubber bands he’d found around the bus, and he’d started doing it without realizing it. He remembered it was something Min had taught him to do when they were younger, though he’d forgotten during that first time on the road. He’d taught him again when they were on the road together, as they sat in the van while rain came down around them. Little Red Corvette had been playing in the background when he finally got it, and Min-Gi had smiled at him. Ryan promised himself he would see him smile like that forever.

“Okay, whatever is going on with you two, you need to talk.” Ryan said and Sam and Min-Gi looked shocked at him, mostly because if anyone was going to address the elephant in the room, he was probably the very last person on that list. He added something quickly after. “Your bad vibes are really annoying,” he said and that seemed to temper things. Ryan hadn’t wanted to say it, but he needed to. Min smiled so much when he was with Sam and things were good, and he wasn’t smiling now, and so Ryan had to fix it.

“Everything between us is fine,” Min-Gi asserted, staring at a spot on the roof of the bus that both Ryan knew wasn’t there. He was just trying to avoid having to look him in the eyes and be honest about the fact that there was a problem. Suddenly, someone contradicted him.

“Ryan is right,” Sam said and now it was Ryan’s turn to be shocked because if he had to take his pick on people who were going to back him up, Sam would have been last on his list behind the floorboards coming to life and supporting him in song. Still, Ryan nodded, and got up off of the couch, casually going out of the area to give them privacy to talk without him interfering. They were stopped at a rest stop, so he figured it was probably a good idea to go get food or something.

Walking off of the bus, Ryan located a gas station and remembered all of the horrible gas station food he and Min-Gi had sustained themselves off of when living on the road. It was honestly a miracle that they’d only gotten food poisoning twice, rather than every single time. Though, he supposed that it was probably because they’d mostly eaten prepackaged food. It was funny to Ryan now, with all of this distance between that time and now, how hard he’d fought to get away from it back then.

They’d lived not just off of gas station food but off of promises that one day they wouldn’t have to live the way that they were living, that one day they’d sleep outside of the van, and that one day they’d eat real, good food. And now that Ryan and Min could sleep in hotels whenever they wanted, and eat whatever they wanted, all he really wanted was a gas station hot dog, and to go back to sleeping in that van with Min by his side. He walked into the place and immensely recognized the end of the song playing.

“That was “(Ain’t No) Heaven On Earth” by Chicken Choice Judy, the hottest new group out there! That song just hit number one so keep your ears and eyes peeled for their album, because it's sold out almost everywhere,” the DJ said and Ryan felt his heart stop. They were number one in America! Min was going to freak out about this when he told him; he was going to be so happy. Ryan wanted to jump for joy or tell someone, though there was no one in the gas station to tell, so he just smiled to himself.

“So.” Sam said as he got up from the table, moving over to where Min was sitting, and Min felt his heart rate pick up as he realized that something was going to happen and it was probably going to be big. He loved Sam, and he wanted to be with Sam. But something nagged in him, like a warning or a cry and he didn’t know why.

“So,” Min-Gi said as Sam sat down next to him. Min wondered if he should smile or do something to comfort him, to try and soften the mood, but the entire way of communicating seemed to slip from his mind as he looked into the eyes of his boyfriend. Sam took a deep breath and Min-Gi braced himself for something he couldn’t stop.

“I’m sorry for the silent treatment, I know that’s childish,” Sam said and Min almost wanted to let out a sigh of relief. Everytime he was in a situation like this, every time they had these talks and sit downs all he could think was that Sam was going to dump him. Maybe that proved something, that a part of him was and always would be in that car with Ryan, getting dumped over and over again.

“It's fine-” Min-Gi started to say and Sam cut him off, shaking his head.

“No, it's not. When I feel something I should talk to you about it, and that’s what I want to do,” he explained. He took a deep breath and looked at Min-Gi, who took his hand and squeezed it. Sam seemed to be comforted by the act, and Min felt good, like he’d done something right in this whole nerve-wracking conversation. “When you went to see Ryan after I asked you not to it…hurt me. And I just…Min-Gi, you do love me, right?” he asked and Min nodded his head quickly.

“Of course I love you!” he said emphatically and Sam looked at him softly.

“I know you say you do but…” Sam trailed off, and suddenly Min knew exactly what he needed to say, knew exactly how to make things better. He brought his hand to Sam’s face, gently held his face in his hands and spoke to him gently.

“Sam, I love so much about you. I love your voice, and your style. I love how you don’t play games and are so honest. I love your laugh, and when you put your arm around me, and how you’re always there for me. I love your sense of humor, and everything else about you. I love you,” he asserted and Sam seemed very happy at that answer, as he smiled and they embraced.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was just being silly, I know,” Sam said and Min shook his head, reassuring him that his feelings were valid. Sam gave him a peck on the lips and then they hugged again. Sam whispered something to him as they held each other. “And for the record, I love you Min-Gi,” he said and Min felt a smile grow on his face as his eyes were shut tight, enraptured in their embrace.

“I love you too Ryan,” he said without thinking and though he realized his mistake as soon as it was made, the damage was already done, the destruction already permanent. “W-wait, Sam I’m sorry it was an accident-” he said as the hug was broken and Sam stood up quickly. The look across his face told a story, a mix of sadness and heartbreak along with vindication for his suspicions.

“I’m sure it was,” he said as he gathered his things from the bus. Min stood up quickly, following him as he went around collecting his stuff.

“W-wait! Where are you going?” Min asked as Sam zipped his suitcase, and Sam looked at him, almost pitying, shaking his head.

“I’m leaving you.” he said seriously as he headed towards the door.

“Sam, please,” Min-Gi begged as he started to head out of the door, towards wherever he was going after this. “Please don’t leave, I love you, I do.” he swore, and Sam put down the suitcase, came closer to him for a moment.

“The saddest part is Min-Gi…I believe you. I really do. And I love you back. But…you don’t want to be with someone who loves you back. You want to be with the guy who broke your heart. And I’m not going to be the guy who gets in the middle of you and the person you want.” he said, and with that he picked up his suitcase, headed out of the door and Min was sure he would never see him again. Min crumpled onto the couch as he failed to fight the tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Min! You’re never going to believe-” Ryan said as he burst into the tour bus to share the news that he’d just learned, only to see Min on the floor sobbing. Weakly, Min-Gi pointed out of the window and Ryan got a glimpse of Sam leaving and kicked himself. In his goal to make Min smile, all he’d done was make him cry again. But he could make it up, he’d have to. He tucked himself close to Min and was almost surprised at how quickly he nestled into his shoulder to get out the rest of his tears.

Chapter Text

Ryan hated Sam more than anything and he wasn’t even around anymore. That in of itself was almost impressive considering Ryan had basically hated the guy more than anything on the virtue of being a guy Min was dating, but now Ryan really did hate Sam on a personal level. Coming back to the bus he’d seen Sam leaving but hadn’t registered it as anything other than a happy thing, meaning he’d have a moment alone with Min. But seeing Min-Gi, the love of his life crumpled on the ground crying, Ryan knew he’d never feel anything but vitriol for the guy.

After all, what kind of her could just look at Min sobbing like that and leave without a care? And secondly, who was he to break up with Min anyway when, in Ryan’s humble opinion at least, he was the one who was way out of Sam’s league and not the other way around. Well, whoever Sam thought he was, he wasn't in their lives anymore, he wasn’t in Min’s life anymore and now it was Ryan’s chance to get things back on track. He would remind Min-Gi that they didn’t need anyone but each other as the most important people.

All he would have to do was get him to not feel miserable, which was easier said than done. Ryan ached seeing Min so torn up about Sam, not just because he hated to see Min hurt which he really did, but also because he was torn up over his ex. The fact that Min-Gi could be so wounded by Sam leaving only really proved how much he’d wanted him to stay, how happy he’d been with him, and without Ryan as his partner. He did his best to shove down his jealousy over the situation considering the timing was horrible.

Still, he saw Min’s cheeks stained with tears and his eyes wet and wide and all he wanted was to tell him that Sam wasn’t worth it in the slightest. Sam wasn’t someone worth crying over, he was worth forgetting and moving on. And Ryan really wanted Min to move on with him but he’d at least have enough tact to leave out that part when he comforted his beloved friend. He knew that a day wasn’t enough time to get over a break up, especially not confined to the tiny space that made up their tour bus, unable to avoid seeing places where Sam had sat or slept/

But Rtyan was determined anyway. Min-Gi had comforted a million times, he was always there when Ryan needed him and the least he could do was to return the favor and be a good friend. Even if deep down he didn’t want to be a good friend, but rather a good boyfriend. Comforting Min-Gi had always been easy when they were dating, he’d cuddle him close and give him kisses, on the cheek, and promise him that everything would be alright, that they’d always have each other.

But Ryan was the reason that Min-Gi was hurt now, if he hadn’t ended that relationship Min would have never entered this one, and he’d never be crying over a guy who wasn’t worth his time in the first place. That was the worst part for Ryan, the fact that it all came back to his decisions that one stupid night. He wanted to imagine a world where he had a time machine, where he could go back and fix all of his mistakes. But in reality he had to live with his choices, and that meant comforting the love of his life through a breakup.

And he’d do that even if it killed him because right now Min needed a friend, not an ex or even a boyfriend but a best friend who was always going to be there for him. And before everything, before romance and breakups and jealousy, back when they were in high school, and middle school, and when they were infants, Ryan had always been a best friend to Min. And maybe now he could look back and read romance into some of those moments, but he didn’t back then and so he wouldn’t now.

“Min? You okay in there?” Ryan asked, knocking on the door to the bathroom on the tour bus. None of them had ever really used it, preferring to use the bathroom at other locations they wouldn’t be trapped in, or at their hotels. They certainly had never used the shower considering they were never on the bus long enough to justify it instead of waiting for the next hotel. But Min had been in the bathroom for over an hour and Ryan heard the shower going the entire time.

“I’m fine.” Min said, dry and muffled by the door of the tour bus. But Ryan didn’t believe him and he was probably right to, considering Min-Gi very rarely believed him when he said he was okay. And everytime he didn’t believe him, he was right. All tour Min had been shouldering the feelings he had alone but now Ryan could help, and he’d start by ignoring his statement of bein fine and intervening.

“I’m coming in,” Ryan said as he opened the door. When he did enter he was completely thrown off by what he saw. For one, the shower curtain was pulled all the way back, leaving the tub completely exposed. Secondly, Min-Gi was not standing up and showering, he was sitting in the tub under the stream of water. And lastly he was completely clothed. “Min…” Ryan said gently as he saw him in the state he was in.

“Just leave me alone…” Min said, avoiding Ryan’s eyes. He had long accepted the feeling of his clothes becoming soggy and sticking to his skin, and the hot water was running out, making the stream more lukewarm than anything. He didn’t care, he didn’t think he even deserved hot water if he was being honest with himself. He certainly didn’t deserve Sam, who had put up with him for so long, or Ryan, his best friend who’d let him down easy and was still being clung onto by the feelings Min had for him.

“I don’t think I’m going to do that, actually,” Ryan said as he walked over to the tub, crouching close in front of it with a soft and genuine smile. Min simply looked away and ignored Ryan’s gaze. He wasn’t ready to look at Ryan’s eyes, and realize that he was still so in love with him that he couldn’t be with anyone else and maybe would never be able to be. He was ready to admit that if Ryan ever found anyone else he’d be heart broken. He certainly wasn’t ready to look into Ryan’s eyes and find out that his one true love didn’t want him.

“Why?” Min asked, surprising himself, and Ryan to his credit looked just as surprised at the question as he thought for a second before giving his answer.

“Well…because you’re my best friend. And I don't want you to be sad alone,” he said before removing his socks and gesturing towards the tub. “Wet clothes I can handle, wet socks not so much, Now scoot over,” Ryan said and he was surprised when Min actually did, making room for him in the tub right alongside him. So they were there together, two guys sitting under the stream of water in a shower, a thing that both of them wanted to hear and both of them wanted to say left unsaid between them.

“I…I deserved it, you know, to be dumped.” MIn-Gi mumbled under his breath as Ryan got himself settled and as it escaped his lips he knew it was true. Sam hadn’t deserved to be dragged into his tangled feelings about Ryan, especially when he was lying to himself about them. Min wasn’t ready to date again and maybe he never would be but he was so desperate to be ready that he’d hurt Sam in the process.

“There’s absolutely no way that’s true!” Ryan objected, before saying something he’d been holding back. “And Sam is a complete idiot if he dumped you,” Ryan settled on, even if there were several other words he wanted to use in reference to Sam that he’d been holding back for much longer. He again recognized the importance of timing, and placated himself by thinking of some time in the not so distant future where he and Min-Gi could laugh about Sam together. To Ryan’s surprise however, Min shook his head.

“No…he did have a good reason. He wasn’t an idiot, I was,” Min said but he didn’t elaborate. He wouldn’t, or more like he couldn’t, not yet at least. How could he look into Ryan’s eyes, knowing that the two of them had ended after Ryan told him he didn’t want to be together and tell him he still loved him? That it had been two years and when he pictured his future he still saw him and Ryan, together and in love? He was right when he said he was the idiot, he had to be if he still loved Ryan so much knowing how he felt.

“Min, you’re like…the smartest person I’ve ever met. I don’t think you and idiot are words that even belong in the same sentence,” Ryan urged and Min-Gi ignored his pleas. Ryan wanted to ask what had even happened but he was sure whatever it had been wasn’t anything good if it left Min sobbing on the floor while Sam cruelly left. He could let his imagination run wild with horrible things he thought Sam would do, but it wouldn’t do anyone any good.

“I was a bad boyfriend Ryan,” he explained and before he could stop himself Min was offering information up. “You want to know why we broke up?” he said and Min-Gi looked at Ryan, face wet with tears and wet from the shower and waited. He wanted Ryan to say yes so badly, he wanted a reason to look at Ryan and accept his fate as someone helplessly in love with him. Min was as ready as he’d ever be.

“I mean…if you’re comfortable telling me,” Ryan said, trying to conceal his interest in the topic, He wanted to know exactly what that scumbag had said to hurt the one person he wanted more than anything, he wanted to know so he could hate Sam properly. Min-Gi looked at him, but he didn’t tell him. He must have seen something in Ryan’s face, something in his eyes, because Min was crying again, and he put his face in his hands to cover.

“God Ryan I…” Min trailed off as it set in for him that he was right next to the love of his life and he’d never be with him ever again. Sam really was right, Min-Gi didn’t want someone who loved him back, he wanted Ryan and he didn’t care if Ryan didn’t love him in that way. “I can’t get anyone to stay…” Min said instead of confessing, and Ryan moved closer to him in a way that made his heart beat faster.

“I will always be here for you,” Ryan urged and he wanted to confess right then and there, he wanted to tell Min-Gi that he’d always be there for him because he was in love with him and never wanted anyone else by his side. He wanted to have him and to hold him, he wanted to marry Min someday. But this wasn’t the time, and it would only serve to hurt him, a bitter reminder that Ryan was one of the people who Min couldn’t get to stay, at least not at first.

“Thank you, Ryan,” Min urged and he thought about every time Sam had told him that Ryan loved him, that he was jealous because he wanted to be with Min. Despite how he’d denied it when they’d been dating,,,a part of Min had always wondered…a part of him, he could admit now, had always hoped that it was the case. He knew better now however, he knew that Ryan didn’t feel for him what Min-Gi had never stopped feeling for Ryan.

“Min, I’m serious. I will always be by your side.” he said seriously, and it dawned on Ryan how close they were in this tub now, close enough that their wet shirts could start to stick together and he knew more than anything that he wanted to tell Min-Gi the truth. There wasn’t anything stopping him now, no Sam, no fears about his careers, nothing stopping him from kissing Min right then and there. Except there was and it was himself, his fears, his worries, and most important the belief that Min would reject him.

To love Min-Gi and have him be out of reach was one thing, but to love Min and to know that Min wanted nothing to do with him romantically, it might have broken Ryan too far to return from. He wanted to kiss him like he needed to breathe air, or like he needed to drink water but there was a force field between them. What kind of person would that have made him anyway, kissing his best friend who just got dumped right when he was vulnerable and in need of a friend? Ryan was trying and failing to balance his own wants and MIn’s needs.

“Ryan…I…” Min-Gi struggled, unable to handle another rejection so soon after the next one. He remembered the day he forgave Ryan for breaking up with him. It was the day that he started to be able to focus on things that made him happy, the day he felt like himself again. That day he forgave Ryan for breaking up with him, for whatever the reason was that he did it, and he let go. But something else had replaced that sadness and anger inside of Min-Gi and it was yearning, a want. He forgave Ryan and now he wanted Ryan to come back.

“It's okay,” Ryan urged, and he held his tongue because he didn’t have anything else he could say. And then Ryan made a gamble, one that certainly made him happy but also left him questioning if he’d done the right thing. He pulled Min-Gi into a tight hug, their clothes sticking them together and making them close enough that Ryan was almost sure that he could hear a faint heartbeat that wasn’t his own. And then Min wrapped his arms around Ryan and he was sure that no matter what everything was going to be okay.

“You’re…you’re the best person Ryan,” Min-Gi said and that was the closest that he could come to saying what he wanted to say, that Ryan made his life feel worth living in moments like this when he felt alone, that every time he told Sam that he loved him a part of him was speaking to Ryan, the closest Min figured he ever would get to admitting that Ryan was the only person he ever wanted. Min maybe hadn’t’ realized it at the time but there was a reason he’d slipped and said Ryan’s name when talking to Sam and it was because when he was telling Sam what he loved about him he was talking about Ryan.

“That’s you, actually,” Ryan said and it was all he had to say because the words I love you wouldn’t come out of his mouth, at least not in the moment. “Now, let’s get out of this shower and put on dry clothes. We’ve got two shows left in the tour, we’re the number one song in all of America, and we deserve it,” Ryan said and Min’s eyes went wide as Ryan remembered that with everything that happened he hadn’t been able to tell him about their song being number one.

“We’re WHAT!” Min-Gi said emphatically and Ryan nodded as he jumped out of the tub quickly, pulling Ryan out with him into another hug, this time an excited one rather than a comforting one. The timing was still wrong and his heart still wasn’t ready to face that chance of Min-Gi rightfully rejecting him after all he’d done, but he could stand here and keep time with Min’s heartbeat as they stood so close they stuck together and that was all that mattered.

“I thought you’d be excited about that,” he said as if it was no big deal, as Min turned off the shower, and he and Min-Gi walked out of that bathroom together. They were soaking wet and there were still drying tears on Min’s face but that was okay. They’d put on dry clothes and Min was already smiling again, and soon Ryan wouldn’t even remember the name Sam. But even with that, Ryan knew he’d probably die never having gotten back with Min, out of fear of hurting him again. Min beamed at him, humming to the tune of “(Ain’t No) Heaven On Earth” and Ryan decided he could live with that.

Chapter Text

The road had been something else, almost something indescribable. There was some sort of power it had held over the two musicians, a power to bring them to their knees and tear them apart. It was isolating and over powering, it changed them in a way that most things could only dream of without even trying. There was something about touring and traveling that made you your truest self even when that truest self is someone who you don’t really like. Ryan supposed that was why people cheated on the road so often.

The road had made Ryan think a lot about home too, though not in the way one might expect. When he thought about home he wasn’t thinking about Powell Lake or about their hotel across the street from the studio. He wasn’t even thinking about their old van. When Ryan thought about home he was thinking about what made a home. It was a common refrain that other people could become your home, that they could be the place you most wanted to return to. Ryan had to agree with that now.

He didn’t care about the physical space, whether it was a hotel or a van, or even sleeping late nights in the studio. If Min-Gi was with him he was at home, and that (among other things) was why Sam being there had stung like it did. It was like his home being taken away, like he was benign evicted from the place he’d grown to see as a safe haven. Maybe it was his fault for putting so much stock in someone else but he didn’t see it that way. He and Min-Gi had always had each other after all.

And now there was no more Sam, and yet Ryan didn’t know if it was safe for him to come back, at least he hadn’t until the two of them had their talk. Now things felt better, and safer for Ryan as someone who wanted to be close to Min. He wanted to love Min too, to shower him with all of the love and affection that Ryan held in his heart for him. He could sit next to Min and listen to him breathe and be content because they were together and okay. The world could freeze around them and as long as Min was by his side Ryan wouldn’t notice.

He wished that he could be content with that, with the fact that he and Min were together as friends and there was no Sam but he really couldn't be. Now that there had been a Sam there could always be another one, Ryan’s space in Min’s life wasn’t safe and it never would be again. At the very least, it never would be until they were dating, until they were married, until he could kiss Min-Gi and hold him close and know that he felt the same. But, that meant it might as well never be safe, because that would never happen.

As much as he loved Min and wanted t be with him, after everything he’d gone through, being dumped by Sam, having Ryan make the tour more of a mess than it should be, the rapid pace of change in his life, the last thing he needed was Ryan to come in and make it more complicated. And so Ryan swore that he wouldn’t, he told himself that he’d be Min’s best friend and he’d be okay with just that and nothing else. He looked out of the window of the tour bus as it pulled into the parking lot they’d left from, and repeated it to himself.

The bus driver removed their bags as Ryan and Min did their best to clean up any messes they’d left to make less work for him, and then they thanked him, said goodbye, and started to walk back to their hotel. It was a mostly silent walk though not because of any unfortunate reason. Instead, it was because they were taking in the atmosphere of the city, remembering what it was like to be back. They’d spent so much time fighting for what they had now, and they felt like ghosts returning to it.

“It’s so good to be back,” Min announced as they opened the door to their hotel and moved his luggage so he could see about getting it settled. It dawned on him how odd it was that he and Ryan lived out of this hotel instead of in an apartment. They certainly made enough for it to be worth it, and it wasn’t like they had plans of moving anywhere else anytime soon. Images flashed in his head for a moment of putting down roots with Ryan, of them being together like they’d always dreamed and he swallowed them down.

“Yeah, honestly I’m a little more excited then I think I should be just to sleep in my own bed again,” he explained and with that Ryan flopped casually onto his bed. Min-Gi couldn’t help but remember when they’d cuddled together in horrible motel beds or in the van, just enjoying being close to one another and he shoved that down too. He couldn’t have Ryan because Ryan didn’t love Min the way Min loved him.

“Well don’t start sleeping yet, we’ve got a meeting with the executives soon,” Min-Gi explained and Ryan let out an annoyed little groan that reminded Min-Gi of how they’d once been, simple and domestic and it bothered him how much it tugged at his heart. He didn’t want to want it so badly, he didn’t want to imagine what could have been between them knowing now that it wouldn’t ever happen. He didn’t know how he was supposed to go on from where they were now and it scared him.

So the two of them didn’t talk much while they unpacked because to Min-Gi, not talking was better than talking and saying something that he couldn’t take back. And then once they were done they said a temporary goodbye to the place they called home even though it wasn’t, and they walked across the street to the studio. The ride in the elevator was tense even though they knew it shouldn’t have been. They had two songs in the top ten, one sitting at number one, and yet it still felt like being called to the principal's office.

“Boys, welcome back, how was the tour?” the bigwig who sat across from them asked. Ryan started to open his mouth to respond though Min-Gi kept it closed, figuring they wouldn’t get enough time to answer. “That’s great, just wonderful,” the man said before Ryan could even get a word in edgewise and Min-Gi silently smiled because he’d won a little bet with himself. “I’m sure you’ve heard the good news about the singles, we certainly have and we’re very pleased boys, very pleased,” he explained.

“Does that mean we’re getting a bonus?” Min-GI asked hopefully and the man guffawed for a bit as if he was shocked they’d even ask about something as trivial as money.

“Well you know, you really should be making music for the love of it and not for the money.” he said and Ryan and Min-Gi gave him a dead eyed stare until he relented. “Yes, you will be receiving a bonus thanks to the performance of the record,” he said and Min smiled and nodded though inside he was letting out a cheer like the one Ryan had encouraged him to do after a show so many years ago. The rest of the meeting went smoothly and the two walked out far richer and more proud then they’d walked in.

“Let’s get something to eat, I’m starving,” Ryan said as they made their way down in the elevator and Min-Gi had to agree. After such a long time of continental breakfasts and fast food dinners he was in the mood for something a bit more healthy, Ryan thought they both might want something a bit more healthy and besides that he wanted a chance to sit down across from Min and look into his face, study his features and savor this moment where they were alone together.

“Sounds good, where were you thinking?” Min-Gi asked and the two set off in the direction of a row of restaurants that they could pick from. Ryan fought his natural urge to reach down and hold Min’s hand in his own as they walked together, to make a signal to the world that they were together because they weren’t despite how badly he wished it wasn’t true. They walked in and were taken to a seat where they sat sipping on water until the waiter came.

“It really does feel good to be off of the road,” Ryan mentioned as an attempt to break the choking silence which seemed to settle over them like a fog every time there was a lull in conversation. Things felt awkward and he figured it was probably his fault. He was holding back but it was for good reason. He wouldn’t rush headlong towards the future like he loved to do, not when it meant possibly crushing Min’s heart underfoot again. He’d stay here in this awkward little space if he had to.

“Yeah,” Min-Gi agreed and then he said something Ryan wasn’t expecting because he didn’t know it was even on Min’s mind. “Do you think we should get an apartment?” Min-Gi asked and Ryan choked on his water a bit at the question even though it wasn’t one that had any real consequence to it. It was a normal question to ask so why did it feel so dangerous, like the answer was going to paint a picture of their future and set a tone for what came next.

“What has you thinking about that?” Ryan asked hoping it was an okay response and Min just shrugged and stared down into his cup.

“I don’t know. Being back I guess…I mean, staying in the hotel while we made the album made sense because we didn’t really know how everything was going to shake out but…we’re back now. And we’ve got this huge bonus and…I don’t know, I plan on staying here, don’t you?” Min asked and Ryan still felt as though there was a layer to this conversation he was missing, like what Min-Gi was saying was less important than what he wasn’t saying.

“I mean yeah, but…” Ryan trailed off because he couldn’t think of anything to come after but. The waiter came and they placed their orders and waited for one of them to say something. Ryan decided to be the one to do the hard thing. “Did you mean soon or…?” he questioned and Min-Gi sighed and sat back, thinking hard about something with a stormy look on his face that told Ryan whatever he was thinking about wasn’t something he was having fun with. Ryan knew that look, and that feeling well and it made him wish he could comfort him in the way he used to more than ever.

“I- I don’t know, God Ryan I can’t stand this.” Min said before standing up and walking towards the exit of the restaurant. Min had always considered himself more level headed but he knew better than anyone about his own dramatic streak and how hard it was to keep in check. Still, this seemed like a valid time to pull it out because what was he doing anyway? He wanted an apartment and a life with his ex who had dumped him, who was also his best friend that he was in love with.

Min-Gi hated whatever the place they were in was, whatever limbo that made them act the way they did around each other but more than anything he was angry, angry at himself. He was the one who’d strung Sam along even though he knew now and should have known back then that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. The train had told him that he was stuck in the past and in his ignorance Min had tried to move towards the future without realizing that he was still stuck in the past and maybe always would be.

He wished he could be normal, that he could have just hated Ryan instead of loving him like he did, that they could have been normal friends or bandmates. Mostly he wished Ryan had never dumped him in the first place and made him the pathetic mess that he was now. Still pining after someone who had dumped him years back, still imagining their apartment with one bed where they cuddled after a long day of shows and kissed before them for good luck. He was still longing for the versions of themselves who were still in love.

“Min!” Ryan said as he approached him, having followed him out of the restaurant and no honestly Min-Gi just felt more embarrassed than anything that this was happening. Life was short and he was spending it on a New York City sidewalk trying not to cry about the fact that he never moved on and maybe never would move on from the one person he loved more than anyone. “What’s going on? Are you alright?” Ryan asked, putting his hand on Min’s shoulder, making the two of them lock eyes. Life was short and it was too short for Min to not tell the truth.

“No, I’m not alright Ryan.” he started, still debating whether or not it was even worth it to say what he knew he needed to. “I really am not okay because Ryan, I’m absolutely in love with you and I hate that. I hate that every time we’re together I imagine a world where you never broke up with me and I hate the fact that Sam dumped me, it was because I said your name when I was telling him I loved him. I hate the fact that we’re not together anymore and I hate that I wish we were. So no, I’m not alright.” he explained and for a moment they just stared at each other.

“You…” Ryan trailed off as if his brian was still processing the information. And then, without warning, Ryan grabbed his hand and squeezed it as if he was afraid that Min was going to fade away when he let go, and he brought his hand to Min’s face. “Min I…am so sorry,” he said and there wasn’t any further explanation as to what he was sorry about. Min was sure it was an apology for not loving him back and he was ready to accept that knowing he’d swung for the fences and missed.

And then Ryan kissed him, soft and sweet just the way they used to. It was everything, their lips pressed against each other like a song, like a plea, like an apology for every night they weren’t together and every day that they pretended they were fine with that. It was a promise to one another and as Min-Gi squeezed Ryan’s hand he promised him back. Time slipped away around them as they finally got hold of what they’d wanted for so long, each other in the way they used to be.

When it broke they both tried to speak at once, both attempting to apologize, to lament what they should have done or said, both trying to explain themselves until they stopped and looked at each other. And then they laughed because why wouldn’t they laugh, two, almost three years spent loving each other, pining and regretting and assuming what you were doing was best for the other person’s sake, when it hadn’t been needed at all. But both of them could lament the time they’d lost some other day.

Now they were together, still holding hands on the sidewalk of the city they’d spent years dreaming about, drops in a bucket and yet they were together so it was okay. And someday they’d be famous and they wouldn’t get to have the anonymity of standing unnoticed on a sidewalk like this, but they hadn’t been on Tv to promote the album yet and no one knew their faces. So right now they’d kiss again and everything would be alright, and they’d leave the hard questions for later.

“I love you so much Min,” Ryan said and Min-Gi nodded because he believed it now, and knew it now in a way he’d refused to let himself know it for so long. “And, I’d love to get an apartment with you for the record,” he explained and Min-Gi laughed at this, before his stomach growled and he looked at Ryan.

“We can go browsing soon then, and in the meantime let’s go eat,” he offered and they laughed and talked without any of the awkwardness that had trapped them before. Now the waiter came over and Ryan proudly introduced Min as his boyfriend and the way those words sounded coming out of Ryan’s mouth was like music to both of them. When they finished eating they walked down the streets, humming their own songs and holding hands because they could be whatever they wanted now, and what they wanted to be was together.

Chapter Text

It was a comfortably warm day in the city of New York which was a bit of a surprise considering in the experience of Ryan and Min-Gi it tended toward extremes. Though, they certainly weren’t complaining about it at all, in fact they’d both been pleased when they’d been woken up by the alarm clock set by Ryan and checked the forecast on the news. It was the perfect weather to stroll around the city, which matched up perfectly with their plans for the first half of the day. Still, despite their knowledge and plans they were still in bed.

“Ryan, we’ve gotta get up,” Min-Gi insisted as he made no move to extricate himself from the mass of limbs wrapped around limbs that was his and Ryan’s current sleeping position. The alarm had woken them up, at least enough to turn on the TV and see what the weather was going to be, but not enough to move them towards action.

“Remember when we first got here and we had to learn about fahrenheit? Oh and miles, miles were weird,” Ryan said, ignoring what the content of Min’s words had been in favor of an unrelated tangent about the nature of American measuring systems. Ryan rolled around in his arms and looked Min in the eyes, who must have looked quite unamused as Ryan let out a sigh of complaint. “Must we get up and interrupt this domestic bliss?” Ryan asked in a half-joking way.

“We’re going to go sign a lease on an apartment today, so we can have actual domestic bliss,” Min-Gi reminded him and though he was right and both of them knew he was right, instead of getting up he simply buried his face into Ryan’s shirt and laid there a bit longer. There was a silent reasoning for neither of them wanting to get up and that was that things were changing and fast. Today they’d sign their lease and tonight they’d have their first TV appearance as their album tore up the charts. Soon there'd be no more anonymity and no more quiet moments.

“Okay, okay I’m getting up.” Ryan said finally unsticking himself from his loving boyfriend and giving an unenthusiastic stretch as he prepared to go about the day knowing things would soon be different. As he climbed out of bed he turned to look at Min, who was doing a stretch of his own and Ryan considered that different didn’t mean bad. This, what the two of them had now was different certainly from what they’d been before. But it was everything Ryan had ever wanted; just getting to watch Min-Gi brush his teeth by his side was a dream come true.

The morning was uneventful in the way that perfect things sometimes are as they washed their faces and judged which outfits they should wear. Ryan was a proponent of putting on whatever he thought he looked nice in, though Min-Gi was slightly different. Min wanted a look that said a responsible future renter who you should be very happy to sign a lease with. Honestly, Ryan couldn’t have cared less what their landlord thought of them, considering how high the downpayment they’d given the landlord was, he should’ve been happy to have them already.

But that was just one of the things that Ryan loved about Min, the little quirks about him that were probably left overs from his worries about how he was going to live his life and how it was going to turn out. He’d spent hours trying to decide what he was going to wear on TV, and Ryan was probably going to decide a little bit before the show started. They worked that way, with Min-Gi overthinking a bit and Ryan under thinking a bit. It kept their relationship balanced and it kept them from teetering in the wrong direction.

“You excited?” Min asked Ryan as the two of them walked along the New York streets to the place they’d decided on. The two of them had scoured newspapers about a month ago when they’d started their apartment search seriously. The one they’d decided on was actually the first one they’d seen, it was practically perfect, a good price and right across from the studio so they could still walk to sessions. They’d wanted to see other options before committing but ultimately it ended up being the one.

“Of course I am! This is an apartment in New York city we’re talking about,” Ryan said and at that moment he gave Min’s hand, which he was holding as they traveled to their new place, a squeeze as if to emphasize the next thing he said. “This is *our* apartment.” he assured Min, reminding him of the most important detail of this arrangement. It was there’s and no one else’s the same way that the van was, the same way they were to each other. Min blushed at the comment in that way he always used to and Ryan smiled.

“I guess it is pretty righteous,” he said still blushing and because Ryan loved him he did not tell him that he thought the slang he used was a little dorky and would probably be dated in the next few years. Though, even if he had said that it wouldn’t have been completely truthful, because in all honesty no matter how silly some of it seemed whatever came out of Min’s mouth always held a certain charm to him that no one else could replicate. So he squeezed his hand again and the two continued on their way.

The landlord was of course there when they arrived and while they weren’t technically late it was clear he had been expecting them slightly earlier. Despite this possibly less than positive impression the two were happy when they showed up and read over what they were signing. The landlord sighed and seemed annoyed at how much time they were spending reading over everything but they knew the number one rule of New York city was never to sign anything that you didn’t read. It was how they’d ended up with particularly favorable record contracts.

Once they’d vetted everything the two did sign and shake hands with the landlord and they were left alone to take in their apartment. There was a kitchenette and a fairly nice bathroom. The living area was fairly open and the place had come with washing machines and dryers built in, which was a major premium only afforded by the success of their current album and the copious amounts of royalty checks they were receiving. Min wandered over to the window and saw their studio just across the way and it grounded him in a way.

“Just think Min, we’re going to put the TV right there, and a couch over there,” Ryan said, getting his attention as he started dictating over exactly what furniture they were going to put in what places. “We’ll get a coffee maker for the kitchen, I can finally become a coffee person.” Ryan said proudly as if becoming a coffee person was the secret goal of this entire adventure.

“Hmmm, yeah and we can get a stereo system over there,” Min-Gi said, getting in on the fun and Ryan’s eyes seemed to light up at the suggestion.

“We’ll totally have to throw a party to break in this place…maybe some famous musicians will show up,” Ryan said dreamily and Min couldn’t help but smile not because Ryan’s idea was a pipe dream but because it wasn’t, at least not anymore. They would be those famous musicians soon, and so why couldn’t they have other famous people come visit? Min gave Ryan a peck on the lips but was pulled back in by him for a longer, more passionate kiss, which he eventually broke.

“That sounds like a good idea,” Min agreed breathlessly after they were done kissing and Ryan laughed at how embarrassed he looked after something as simple as a kiss in their apartment which they really did have as their own now. “We’ll have to pick a day to go furniture shopping…maybe I’ll make a list,” he mused to himself and Ryan seemed to agree even if he didn’t have much of a response.

“Well, we can make a list another time, for now let’s lay on the floor and stare up at the ceiling thinking about how we’ll answer interview questions,” Ryan said and before Min-Gi could question what he meant by that Ryan laid on the floor, seemingly overwhelmed by the bigness and newness of the world they were making for themselves, and he smiled as he started. “So, Min-Gi Park, everyone wants to know, how exactly are you so attractive?” Ryan asked as he put on the voice of a stereotypical talk show host. Min laughed but came up with an answer anyway.

“Oh I don’t think I’m that attractive,” he said. “This is just how I look,” he explained and Ryan, still in character, let out a gasp.

“So you mean to tell me your looks are all natural? Incredible, and tell me, do you have a boyfriend?” Ryan asked using the same voice and Min laughed again, this time coming to sit on the floor next to where Ryan was lying and he pretended to think long and hard about the question.

“Well, yes I do actually! And I don’t know if he’d appreciate your shameless flirting,” Min teased and Ryan sat up from where he was laying on the floor, gave a shocked look as if to say “Me? A shameless flirt? Never,” before he planted another kiss on Min’s lips and they laughed a bit before Min checked his watch. “We should get back to the hotel and get all of our stuff, check out will be soon and we still need time to change before our interview,” Min explained and as much as Ryan wanted to lounge around teasing him more he got up along with him.

Min-Gi despite having picked out his outfit ahead of time still seemed like he was rushing and struggling to decide what he was going to possibly wear and Ryan had foreseen this as an option, having already prepared his “You always look amazing we can leave now” speech. It wasn’t needed this time as Min-Gi did find something he felt was good, coincidentally the outfit he’d chosen in the first place, and Ryan put the speech in his back pocket for another time as they headed towards the studio.

“I’m really nervous,” Min admitted as the two of them arrived at the studio and while it wasn’t exactly a surprise, anyone would have been nervous in this situation, it was something else, a reminder of what they were to each other now. Min was nervous and he had told Ryan, being vulnerable and real with him about what he was feeling because they were close. They were dating, yes but more than that they were close and had a bond with each other that both of them had so desperately missed when they’d been apart.

“I’m nervous too,” Ryan admitted because vulnerability should beget vulnerability and he knew this as well as anyone. And they kissed in the van, and it was a kiss that though short and sweet gave them both a sense that everything was going to be okay, and it was a sense that meant more to them than any words ever could. “Let’s go do this,” Ryan said with a cattish smile after the kiss was broken and the two hopped out of the vehicle, holding hands all the way as if the other was their grounding force in the lightning storm of show business.

Neither knew exactly what to expect when it came to what the behind the stage process of getting on TV was going to be, but it was much different than either of them had expected. Ryan had assumed it would be a million bright lights and flashing cameras as they walked past well dressed actors, fabulous looking dancers, and dressing rooms sporting gold placards with names engraved in them. Min-Gi imagined a much more gray and rushed atmosphere with watchful eyes judging your every mistake before you got in front of the cameras.

It seemed that neither of them had it quite right, though neither of them were completely wrong either. There were lights and the world wasn’t completely gray, though the cavalcade of celebrities was missing and in its place was a stern looking man with a clipboard telling everyone where they should go and where they should be. They checked in with him and were sent to their waiting area which didn’t have a gold placard with their names on it, though it wasn’t the crowded area Min was expecting either.

“And our next guests have the current number one album in the country, please welcome Ryan Akagi and Min-Gi Park of Chicken Choice Judy!” The host announced and, knowing it was their cue the two shuffled onto the sound stage. It was different then going onto a stage to perform, somehow more intimate and more cold at the same time. The crowd was small enough to see every individual face, but all of their cheers felt coerced. Still, they sat down and did their best to relax. “We’re happy to have you two here today,” the host remarked.

“Well we’re happy to be here,” Min responded and the three of them let out a laugh which seemed to lighten the mood a bit. The interview began in earnest with the host asking them about their experience making the album, about touring, and about their reaction to the quick and sudden success they were having. Once the questions started rolling the two didn’t focus much on trying to come off as very cool or charming, but instead only worried about being truthful and discussing their love of music. It was freeing in a way.

“Well, we’re almost out of time but we do want to ask one more question of you two,” the host said and Ryan and Min-Gi seemed curious. For just a brief second both considered the idea that the host was about to ask them if they were dating and the two of them would have to scramble to come up with an appropriately loving declaration of eternal devotion for the other on the spot. That was of course not what happened, as the two weren’t known enough to have their love lives be of any interest to the public.

The question was about the differences between America and Canada and though both wanted to use the opportunity to launch into their cavalcade of jokes about Americans and their tastes and cultures, they figured it was probably for the best of their careers if they refrained. Instead they talked about missing certain foods and learning to use the imperial system and it seemed a hit with the audience. As they left the stage they held hands again, before giving the other a kiss when away from the audience.

“That went good, I think,” Ryan said and Min nodded in agreement. Of course they wouldn’t know how it actually went until they got the report back from their bosses but the audience seemed to like them and they felt that they’d been natural. It was odd now, knowing that they might go places soon and people would know their faces. They walked back to the van and Ryan contemplated this, the idea that he and Min were living what very well might be their last day of freedom and normalcy.

“What are you thinking about?” Min asked and even though what he was thinking about was their freedom and fame and what was going to come next, Ryan didn’t say any of that. Instead, he said something that was also on his mind.

“I want some fast food. Something cheap and basic,” he said and Min-Gi’s stomach rumbled at the perfect moment to corroborate Ryan’s desire.

“What were you thinking?” Min asked and Ryan already had what he wanted on the tip of his tongue before Min had inquired about it. He gave a sly smile and offered his answer.

“What about Rax Roast Beef?” he questioned and Min’s eyes lit up, not just at the recognition of the good deal they'd be getting but also at the significance of the restaurant choice, the place where they’d pledge to love each other for an endless amount of time and nodded.

“That sounds perfect,” he said and it did. If this really was going to be the last time they go out as themselves, without hoodies or being hounded by paparazzi, if this was their last day of being just Ryan and Min-Gi with no one caring about anything about them but their music, neither of them could imagine a better way to spend it then at the place where they’d solidified their love. And so as they climbed into the van, they sped off not towards the future or the past, but in the comfortable middle lane of the present. And they were in love all the while.