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Obi-Wan Kenobi was exhausted. He leaned on the wall of his cave, staring out at the bright daylight beyond. Oh, wait, no, he was Ben Kenobi now and had been for three months.
Three long months. Luke was three months old, now. It had been three months since he lost everything. Everyone. Since his commander turned on him. Since he last heard from his husband. Three long months since he had felt like a Jedi.
He wasn't a Jedi anymore and it hurt. Everything hurt. Especially Anakin's betrayal. That had been one straw too many. Not just knowing that Anakin had led the attack on the Temple, had killed the younglings.
"Oh, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan startled back, cursing. Oh. Hallucination. This was the first one that talked.
"You really need to take care of yourself more."
"Shut up," Ben muttered. "There's not much of a point."
"What about that little boy you're looking after?"
"I'm not looking after him. Owen won't let me near, and he's safe with them. He's just a baby. Nothing to look after."
"Aside from threats coming from the Sith, from the Empire. Obes, you need to take care of yourself."
Ben cried, not answering at first. "I don't want to, Quin. I don't... you're dead. Everyone is dead. I'm alone."
"Come on, Obi, don't be like that," Quinlan chided. "You are far stronger than this."
"I hit my breaking point. How can I ever recover from Anakin's betrayal? I did everything I could for him and he hates me."
"It's not your fault. Anakin made his choice. You could have done everything right and he would still have put Padme's life above everything else. You know this."
"Now my hallucinations are lecturing me."
"Am I wrong, Obes? Come on. Don't forget your Jedi teachings."
Ben lurched to his feet. "I'm not a Jedi! The Jedi are gone!" He swung at the shimmering form of Quinlan. He stared at the empty space when Quinlan disappeared.
He started crying again, curling up on the ground. He was alone.
.
One month later, Ben had overestimated how much time he had and he was caught out in the height of the sun. He was thirsty, and miserable. Symptoms of heat exhaustion were in full force, and he expected heat stroke to occur at any time.
That was fine. The Empire was leaving Tatooine alone. Luke was safe. Was Ben needed? Owen certainly didn't think so. He wanted any thoughts of Jedi far away from his nephew.
That was for the best. It wouldn't matter if he lived or died.
"Get up, Obi-Wan."
"Leave me alone, Quinlan." Ben groaned, though he wondered when he ended up on the ground. "Let me die in peace."
"You are not going to die here, Obi. Get up."
"Ugh, why is my hallucination telling me not to die?"
"Because you're an idiot. Get. Up."
"Give me one good reason why I need to live."
"The Force wants you to. You can feel it."
"...shut up. Let me die."
"No. Get. Up. Obi-Wan. You are far more than this sad man you've become."
"My life is meant for infinite sadness."
"Infinite implies you living through it all."
"I can't do anymore sadness, Quin. We couldn't even be together properly because Ani hated you and then there was the war and you Fell and came back and weren't sure you were returning to the Jedi or to me and now you're dead!"
"Well, at least you remember that I'm a hallucination."
Ben gave the hallucination a withering look. "I'm not going to forget that not when I know you are dead and never coming back."
"Alright then. You still need to get up."
"Ugh, you're just as annoying as my husband is. Was." Ben pushed himself up and started walking again, squinting at where his cave was in the distance. He really needed to save up for an eopie.
"I'm a hallucination created from your own brain. Of course I am."
"Well, I'm walking now. Happy?"
"Of course."
"You're not going to tell me that I need to be a Jedi again?"
"You are a Jedi. You've just lost your way. You will find it again when you need to."
"...those teachings really do get engrained into memory."
"The Force is waiting for you to reach for it once more."
"I can't."
"You will have to. Even if you end up not training the boy, he will need protecting as he gets older. He will need someone to contain his Force presence, keep him from being noticed."
"Don't remind me." Ben grumbled. "I don't like this."
"I know. But it is what it is Ben. You need to do more to take care of yourself. Yes, a job is good, and some sleep is good. But you're having nightmares and not trying ways to get back to sleep. You're not even meditating. At least try that."
"Just... go away."
"Not until you make it back, honey. And start rehydrating and cooling off. Then I'll leave you alone."
"...or me taking care of myself removes the hallucination. Brilliant." Ben muttered.
They walked in silence for a while. Well, Hallucination!Quinlan was more floating than walking. Ben's brain didn't conjure up a walking image for him.
"I miss you, Quin."
"I know. And you'll keep not taking care of yourself just in the hopes I will appear again."
"Yeah. I will."
"You know that's not healthy. You'll have to let go of me sometime, Obi. I'm gone. I'm not really here, this is just something your brain created."
Ben hung his head. "I know, I know, Quin. But I just... I can't. Everything happened so fast, everyone was dying and I almost died and then we fought our way into the Temple, I had to kill members of the 501st, I made that message and then discovered it was Anakin who betrayed us and then I was with Padme, hiding away until we arrived and he was unrecognizable and I killed him. I killed my padawan. And then Padme still needed me so I rushed her to help but she died giving birth to twins and... It's just been a lot."
"It's only been four months. Breathe. It's not healthy, no, but you also have to be kind to yourself."
"What?"
"You're beating yourself up for turning away from the Jedi, for forsaking the teachings you grew up with. Even as you let yourself indulge in your depression and grief. Be kinder to yourself. You know how long it can take for one to handle grief. And you're grieving the life you had, on top of the loss of thousands of Jedi. You don't even have any one to support you, just one hallucination giving you advice you already know."
"Ugh. Stop. Please. I... can't."
"You're not ready. Okay. We're here."
Ben reluctantly took care of himself, watching his hallucination fade away into nothing.
.
The hallucinations came and went. Ben grew to miss Quinlan more and more with each apparition. He needed to let go. But his partner was right there. Every so often.
And it hurt knowing he couldn't touch Quinlan. That he would never see Quinlan again.
Ben withdrew further into himself. He was stabilizing. Still depressed, still worn down. But he found himself wishing for death less. Or at least not so intensely he was tempted.
He was here to look after Luke. So he had to live.
He had a job. A simple job that would see him making enough money to live and not much more. That was all he needed. When he was home, he was keeping an eye on the Lars' farm. Keeping an eye out for any sign of the growing baby he wasn't allowed to visit.
(Maybe if he'd been allowed to visit it would've been easier to claw his way out of this depression, maybe he wouldn't feel so alone, maybe he wouldn't feel so wrong drawing on the Force at all.)
"Today is the year anniversary."
Ben wasn't surprised to hear Quinlan's voice, though he had just had the record without the hallucination. Two months.
"It is," Ben agreed quietly. "And here you are once more."
"Here I am. You're doing better."
"Yeah. I'm not ready to let go yet."
"I know. You'll have to eventually."
"There is no reason to."
"Luke will need you to be on top of your game as a Jedi."
"Assuming Owen ever allows me near," Ben replied bitterly.
"Once he's old enough he can make that choice for himself. And if you keep going down this path... you won't be able to teach him."
Ben winced, looking down. "Shut up. All that matters is that Luke lives, training and everything else comes second."
"You're going to be confronted with reality eventually. You need to deal with your emotions and let go."
"I can't. It all hurts too much. I lost everything. You, Anakin, Mace, Plo, Shaak, Kit... all the Jedi, Padme... the Empire has ensured no one remembers how good Jedi are. And Owen won't let me near Luke, the one thing keeping me from joining you in the Force."
"I know. But you know this isn't the way. It's not the Jedi way."
"The Jedi are gone. I failed them all. I am not a Jedi anymore!" Ben shouted, voice cracking.
"You know you will always be a Jedi at heart no matter how much you try to hide it."
"Shut up," Ben shouted hoarsely. "Shut up!"
"I'm just a reflection of your own thoughts, telling you the truth you do not want to hear, Obes. Everyone is dead. You are the only one who can keep the memory of who we were alive. And you are wallowing."
"I don't care." Ben buried his head in his knees.
"You do care. And that makes it worse. Makes it harder for you to overcome it even though you have overcome so much already."
"Shut up."
"I am a conjuring of your own mind Obes. You're the only one who can make me shut up. You know this isn't healthy."
"Shut up."
"What was it? Ah yes. 'It's okay to be upset. It's okay to struggle. Just remember I am always here, and you can always count on me'. That's what you always said. Obes, it's okay to struggle and be upset. I know you don't have any sort of support right now. But you do need to let go and rely on the Force once more. Maybe you'll be surprised if you reach for the Force. I'm sure the Force will welcome you back as always."
Ben made a noise of frustration. "Shut up. Please."
"I cannot. Not until you make me. I'll just keep appearing and appearing until you stop hallucinating because you're failing at taking care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally."
Ben took in a deep breath and let it out.
Quinlan disappeared.
He never appeared again.
.
Quinlan Vos carved in his message, hoping it would help someone. But all he could think about was his partner. About Obi-Wan.
He wondered where Obi-Wan was now. Where he'd gone after sending that message of hope. He hoped Obi-Wan was doing well.
Hoped Obi-Wan didn't need the reminder.
But... Their bond was closed tightly. He wasn't getting anything from his partner. And he didn't know where to start looking.
So Quinlan planned to just keep doing what he was doing, and maybe one day he would find his partner. When Obi-Wan was ready.