Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He doesn’t know how he got here.
If you were to ask Damian how he fell into this so deeply, how he got into his own head- how he got so vain- he wouldn’t be able to tell you. He just looked into the mirror one day and realized that he looked… off. His legs looked too thick, his lower belly stuck out further than the rest of his tummy and his arms were just not quite right. They were small things but they were so many that he felt they ruined the whole picture. He felt distorted.

How had he let his body go so quickly? Sure with Father insisting on him going to school rather than patrolling he hadn’t been doing much physical activity. And his diet. He hadn’t changed it much. Damian stared at the mirror and held out his arms and relaxed. “Gross” he thought as his stomach extended even more. He really had to get back in control. Damian was no stranger to this type of feeling. It usually came with dissociation for him, his physical form was a burden and he might as well make it beautiful.

It was a few weeks away from spring break when Damian started restricting. Things were going well since he spent most of his day at school and just had to minimize his dinner portions. By the end of the week he had lost two pounds. He almost cried. He looked at himself in the mirror and it was good. It was so good. He couldn’t help but feel like he was close to something great. He was going to feel so great. If only he could lose a few more pounds.

And that was the plan for the next few weeks. Restrict, study, restrict, study, restrict, study. Damian would never say this out loud, but outside being Robin- something that still felt so unreal to Damian- his grades were everything. Well, not everything, but a whole lot. I mean who was he if he wasn’t intelligent? Put together? It hurt that the first thing that came to mind was “nothing”. Damian Wayne could do anything he wanted and he was going to get his dream body, his dream state of mind. It was simple.

At least for the first month it was. He had been keeping his grades up. But it was becoming increasingly difficult to balance with restriction. His body ached, he felt tired, and he was losing the few friends he had because he was so damn irritable these days. And that was fine, Diamonds are built under pressure. But the worst thing was the brain fog. Damian would stare at his books for hours but his mind would be…cloudy. As the days went by, sometimes things went completely blank. So he shouldn’t have been surprised when he failed his math test. It felt like a sign. A beginning- of something awful. For the first time in weeks, he found himself in front of the fridge. He took out the cheese and the yoghurt and the bologna. He grabbed the loaf in the pantry on his way back to his room.

For the first time in about a month, Damian felt so full. For the first time in a while, he felt regret. He woke up early enough to clean up his mess, and look at himself through the full length mirror in the family gym. It felt like he was back to what he was a month ago. His stomach bulged slightly and it hurt. It looked like his legs were thick again and his arms just as off as they were in the beginning. Logically, Damian knew that that couldn’t be possible. A month’s work couldn’t be ruined in one sloppy night. There was no denying what he saw though. The worst thing of all was that Damian wasn’t even fat. In fact, not much had changed at all. He was so painfully average. It felt like his pain meant nothing at all. This couldn’t happen again. If only it was that easy.

“It’s just one test, Dami.” Dick cooed as Jason snickered
They were in the living room. Jason and Dick were playing a game of checkers and Tim was typing away on his laptop. Dami was sitting right next to him.
“I’m well aware, Richard. I’d rather not talk about it”
“c’mon, baby bat. Humour us, there’s no use sulking.”
“I’m not sulking. The test was a wakeup call; I should work harder. I’m not talking because there’s nothing I want to say”
“it kills me when Damian is more mature than you all. He’s genuinely taking it well; you can relax, Dick”

Jason snickered at that. Damian wished his heart didn’t tremble the way it did at Tim’s compliment. If it was one. They’re relationship had gotten better over the years. They weren’t best friends or anything but they weren’t biting each other’s heads off either. Things were cordial. Damian didn’t know exactly when he fell for Tim, but everything got worse when this body image thing developed. Shit hit the ceiling fan when he started restricting. See, when you feel physically empty, your mind fills you up; and Timothy seemed to take up Dami’s mind more and more each day. Sitting next to Timothy filled him up more, usually, but after his binge Damian felt repulsed. How could he sit here so comfortably when he was so vile? He couldn’t even control himself! He was a liar and a fraud and he deserved to have Timothy hate him.

“Earth to Demon Spawn!”
Everyone was looking at him. He hated that look, they all looked worried. It made him feel small in a way he hated. Silence. Tim was first to break the silence:

“hey, Damian. It’s okay if the test is bothering you. You know that right?”
“of course, I do. I’m tired. Goodnight”

With that he silently made it up to his room. He washed his face and sat on his dimly lit room. He couldn’t help but feel guilty for being more upset at his “binge” rather than the math test. He had lost control so easily, it made him wonder if he was in control at all.

By this point, Damian knew he had an eating disorder. At first he thought he was under atypical anorexia, but after yesterday’s binge he wasn’t so sure. EDNOS, perhaps? Damian frowned. It didn’t matter. Not really. The labels didn’t matter, sometimes, the weight itself didn’t either. It was something else. For now, all he wanted was to look different.

Restricting at the beginning of Spring break was a bit harder. Dick and Alfred were almost always home and Tim always came by during the weekends from Uni. Father was just Father as usual; absently present. He had increased his intake to reduce suspicion and he was almost surprised with how much it had improved his mood. He was studying again and talking to everyone. Talking to Tim. Better yet he was still losing weight. Slowly. Dami knew that in his own way, he was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

He was wrong.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise when things got worse, and not for the reasons he had anticipated. Damian had thought the school break would be challenging as his family of world renowned detectives just had to notice he wasn’t eating properly and stop his progress. They didn’t.

He didn’t quite know why it bothered him so much. Maybe he wasn’t eating as little as he thought? So he ate even less. And still, no one said anything when he didn’t show up for dinner. Whenever they asked him to come down he just feigned school work.
“you’re not coming for dinner?”
“I have a lot of school work, Richard.”
“you could take a break, babybat.”
“Maybe tomorrow. I’m almost done, okay?”
Dick frowned but he shut the door silently on his way out. There was this conflict Damian felt about his problem that he couldn’t quite put a finger on. He felt so seen, yet so shrouded. Richard had no idea what was really going on and yet Damian felt like this was still somehow hurting him. Then again, Father and the rest of the bat clan hadn’t said anything, so it could all come down to Dick being a worry wart. Nothing to worry about.

Damian turned back to his Business textbook. Another misery was having to work harder than he was used to at this school thing. The feeling of hunger wasn’t even an issue at this point, but they were days when he could feel certain parts of his body “give out” on him. Especially his brain- his mind, maybe? The brain fog came back. He really couldn’t be Robin in this condition so he was more than ecstatic when Bruce accepted his “school work” excuse

“I’m proud of you for taking this seriously.” Bruce attempted a smile and Damian reciprocated.
“thank you, Father.”

And Damian did want to take his education seriously- even if he had pretty much learnt it all already. He still couldn’t help but feel like a liar.
Bruce sat a metre away from him and he felt like yelling. That was another misery. The resentment he had started to feel for everyone around him. He put so much effort into hiding his issues, yet sometimes it made him shed a few tears how they couldn’t see. He was suffering.

“well, if you’re really suffering why don’t you stop all this?” he would ask himself. Then the resentment would go (hide) away for some time but it always came back.

Spring break ended and time passed. Damian tried not to think about it, so I won’t either. After more time elapsed, things shifted again. He wasn’t sure if this was another misery or a relief. He didn’t care. He just didn’t. It was just academics and food and weight and his body these days; and his academics were hanging on a thread. He hadn’t drawn in forever and Alfred had silently taken over the care of Titus and bat cow as well as the rest of his animals. He had never got to salvaging the friendships he’d neglected. He was lonely. And worst of all, deep down he knew these were all things he should care about- deeply. Then why didn’t he?

Progress. He felt so much better when he looked into the mirror and saw glimpses of his ribcage, the curve of his waist and the dainty edge to his hands. He was so close. He was in control. There was a voice in the back of his head that sounded eerily like Talia asking, “all this trouble for what?” and Damian could never give a straight answer because it all had layers. It wasn’t just one thing or the other, it was everything. Losing a little energy was just a part of it all. It wasn’t long before he couldn’t even hold a scowl; he was a blank slate, a beautiful one.

“It’s been forever since Collins came around. The fuck did you do?”
“Perhaps he is also busy.”
Damian was surprisingly out of his room and reading a novel in the living area. Jason snickered
“You’re almost a worse liar than Dickhead”
He snatched Damian’s copy of Kafka on the Shore and his smile dropped when that barely got a reaction out of him.
“you’ve been weird lately.”
“puberty, perhaps”
Damian smiled for the first time in a while as he watched Jason storm off.

Damian felt like death. He knew that he was far away from actually dying but he felt far from alive. It all felt futile, and yet he couldn’t seem to stop. It was 2am and he was sitting in the kitchen holding a glass of water because he was still fasting. What even mattered at this point?

“hey”
“how come you’re up, Timothy?”
Timothy was wearing Dick’s blue pajama pants and a dark hoodie. Of course, Damian’s favourite misery looked good in anything. He had been avoiding Timothy, however. It wasn’t hard though, since Timothy was only at the manor during weekends. He wanted to be perfect, to surprise him with how much he had changed for the better, physically. But that wasn’t on his mind today. It had been such a dark day. A dark week. It hurt to think.

“I could ask you the same thing. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“I was just thirsty.”
“Mind if I sit?” Tim held his own glass of water.
“no.”

They sat alone for a while.
“it’s really good to see, Timothy”
“it’s good to see you too, Dami, but I mean, I come over every weekend.”
“I know. Do you- “Damian’s pause caught Tim’s attention. He actually looked at Damian; there was something different about him but it was hard to make out in his thick robe. His hair was… weird and his eye bags were slightly more prominent. But it wasn’t that, Damian seemed more…soft. There was none of the usual edge in his voice. Maybe he was just tired.

“What?”
“Do you think I’ve changed?”
The question visibly took Timothy aback.
“What?”
Damian just silently looked at Tim; gaze firm but eyes as soft as his words. Tim’s pause was starting to visibly hurt Damian- he watched as Dami’s expression went from neutral to hurt. He replied
“Yes”
“you don’t mean that”
“You know I wouldn’t be anything but honest with you. I’ve never exactly tried to spare your feelings.”
“that’s why I’m confused as to why you just lied.”
“the question just took me by surprise, Damian. It’s pretty late.”
It was Damian’s turn to pause. He smiled.
“you’re right. Goodnight.”
And with that he walked back to his room leaving Tim alone with his glass of water. It’s funny how these small nothings move our world.