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Chapter Text

Somewhere in the sea

Candied Island: a legendary, sugar-filled paradise sought by candy-lovers everywhere. Towering mountains covered the island; they were enormous cakes with delicious frosting and candles on them, and the candles’ smoke filled the sky with dark pink clouds. The night was peaceful on this island… except there was a party taking place within the mountains. The Big Mom Pirates were gathering to celebrate their captain’s special day. (Play “We Will Rock You” by Queen.)

The south-east doors to the meeting room were kicked open, and in stepped the slim, sleek man in the tux, grinning and flipping his nickel. His two buff guards stood by his side as he stepped toward the table with his smooth expression.

The south-west doors came open next. In stepped a group of your traditional Candy Pirates, and in their center, a very fat pirate with black hair and an open white shirt, letting his big hairy belly hang out as he slopped on a big lollipop.

Next were the north-east doors. While one expected big, burly men surrounded by guards, instead, it was three babies with very cool expressions. A peach-skinned, football-headed baby in a yellow jacket, black shirt, yellow pants, and holding a teddybear. On his right, a brown-skinned 5-year-old with a black afro, blue T-shirt, dark-blue shorts, and sunglasses as he made “Rock-and-roll” fingers. And the last baby, a yellow-skinned girl with spiky hair, a pacifier in her mouth, wrapped in a blue blanket, and a fierce expression as she held a gun. There was also a weapon sash around her blanket.

Finally, the north-west doors opened. In stepped a very familiar pirate with a yellow mustache and beard. However, he wore a huge, round hat with a red-pink feather, a very large, red coat covered with many lollipops, blackish-purple boots, and walked with a candycane.

The six crew members sat at the round table on their respective sides. Once all were gathered, Rallo shut off the music from his boombox. (End song.)

“Ahhhh rap.” Stewie smiled. “The music that put James Moses Johnson outta business.”

“Friends… crewmates…” Nickel Joe spoke with a warming tone. “We are gathered here, on this day, for a very special occasion. Taday… is February 15th… our Mama’s birthday. Bring in the cake, boys!”

A couple of Joe’s men hauled in a huge, colorful birthday cake with many candles, and had it set on the table. “Our Mama should be in ’ere ANY moment. …Oh! There she comes now!”

The chamber quaked just then as they all looked anxiously to the northern-most doors, which were the biggest of all of them. Every few seconds, the chamber quaked, and they could hear its source drawing closer from the other side. They came slightly faster. From how they sounded, it was as though a dinosaur was stomping its way toward the room. No natural person could pack that much force in their stomps.

The quakes stopped as two pirates used all their strength to shove the doors open from the other side. The two were a long-legged pirate and some kind of humanoid lion. The minute the doors opened, an eerie wind blew and put out all the candles, making the room very dark. The stomps started again, and their massive source filled up the entire doorway. All they could see of the fat, gigantic woman was her enormous, grinning mouth, and a pair of ravenous red eyes that made the pirates shiver.

Rallo’s face was lit with amazement as he whistled. “You lookin’ FIIINE, Mama!”

“Nnnn, happy birthday, Mama, aaaahhh.” Fat Jack sighed.

“Maaaah.” A stream of drool spilled from the woman’s gigantic mouth, and it looked as though her drool burned like acid once it hit the ground. “I’ve been dying for this party for three months nooow.” She licked her teeth with her massive, moist tongue. “Where’s my caaaaake?”

“Heh, here ya go, Mama.” Nickel Joe said, a hint of nervousness in his voice. “The tastiest birthday cake known ta man. And a gigantic, bubbly soda to wash it down.” Another group of pirates brought in a gigantic soda bottle, about Mama’s size. “We very much hope ya like it.”

“Maaaamaaaaa.” The woman reached and grabbed the whole cake in her huge, husky hand. She shoved it in her mouth and munched sloppily. “MAAAAAHH!!” The woman screeched and spat the sloppy remains of the cake in disgust, covering the pirates and the whole room. “This cake does not satisfy me. I am not satisfied! I CANNOT be satisfied! Knowing that brat is still out there.”

“It was just one kid, Mama, ha ha.” Joe chuckled nervously. “There’s a jillion of ‘em. What can ya do?”

“If one kid is able to slip away from me… ALL of those tasty candy-holders will. I want to EAT ’EM ALL. …I want to eat NOOOW-“

“Aaaa-AAAAAH!!” An unfortunate Candy Pirate was grabbed by Mama, and met his end inside of her mouth.

Big Mom licked the taste off her fingers before speaking again. “I must control the world’s entire production of candy. I must have ALL the candy in the world. Candy enhances my blood-sugar levels and makes me strong. By controlling business owners with fear, I can have ALL the candy. But if they decide to rebel against me, I won’t get any more. Whoever that child was that spoke out of term, MUST be PUNISHED.”

“Well, I guess she’s goin’ the way of Mr. Burns, eh Mags?” Stewie glanced at his assassin ally.

“Mw-mw.” Maggie still looked fierce as she sucked her binky and loaded her gun.

“Yo ho hoooo!” Black John laughed. “Ay wouldn’t be rushin’ into this too fast, Captain. Methinks I know where the young wench comes from: it be the Kids Next Door! Why, they be daring for a group o’ snot-nosed munchkins. It was they who defeated Davy Jones!”

“Nnnnn?!” Big Mom’s bloodshot eyes widened. “THEY defeated Davy Jones?! My closest rival?! His salt opposed my sugar to no end!”

“And correct me if Ah’m wrong, but I think it was they who showed ol’ K. Rool the door, too.” Joe grinned.

“They defeated two of the Four Pirate Emperors.” Big Mom was intrigued. “Then they pose a threat to my empire. If I am going to possess the strength to defeat them… I must devour the most succulent sweet that’s ever been sugared.”

“But Mama.” Nickel Joe grinned. “There was nothin’ sweeter than that tasty cake. We got that recipe from one of the most successful bakers ever known. It came from the recipe book of Benedict Uno Jr..”

“Maaaa…” Drool fell from Mama’s mouth and burned on the ground. “That cake was inferior. The only cake that truly satisfied my taste buds… was when I was a little girl. It was a cake… so succulent and enticing… I would never want to taste anything else. It was my grandmother’s… Beth Linlin… of the Annoyingly Cute Triplets Who Lived Upon The Hill!!”

The crewmembers looked at each other, surprised. “But Mama…” Nickel Joe spoke. “That recipe’s been gone since the 19th century. No one in this time could know it!”

“So, let’s ask someone not from this time.”

The pirates looked to the northwest door at this thick, Hispanic voice. A teenage, silhouetted boy stood in the doorway, a lollipop clutched in his fingers.

“Nnnnn! Who, Augustus??” Big Mom asked.

The boy’s sunglasses sparkled. “His name is Rick Strowd.”

Much later; March 21

“All our ships have sailed off, Captain. It won’t be long until the Sugary Wonders are in our grasp.”

“I would hope so for your succulent sake, Black John. But what of the recipe requiring such sweets? Your men will never find them, if you do not know what they are.”

“Ay’ve already sent Nickel Joe and the young’uns to acquire it. Assuming we can trust what Augustus says. Afterwards, they’re going to catch the spicy wench which badmouthed ye.”

“Ma ma ma ma. I’ve never felt more hungry for sugar and spice. See to it they return here soon. Or you will have to satisfy my blood-sugar levels…”

Strowd Estate

The Strowd Estate: home of the richest family in West Virginia. Stationed on a private setting within the woods, and sealed in a wall with some gates. But this peaceful residence was about to get an unpleasant visit from Nickel Joe and the Deadly Baby Trio; Stewie, Rallo, and Maggie.

“Ahhh, there it is… the Strowd Estate. Home of the richest family in West Virginia.” Nickel Joe said with a grin, flipping his nickel.

“You know, we can read the non-dialogue script.” Stewie said disbelieved.

“Accordin’ to Augustus’s report, this is the home of a man who was born in the 19th century, and frozen in sherbet ice cream in a mission to recover the Annoying Triplets’ recipe. A little over 20 years ago, he was unfrozen. But his family was fabulously wealthy durin’ his time, and when they learned who he was, he inherited the wealth. And if he’s hopin’ on keepin’ it, he better spill the beans.” And with one last flip, he flicked his coin and blasted the front gate open.

The four casually stepped to the front door as Joe rang the doorbell. A little brown-haired girl answered, dressed in fancy, old-timey clothes. “Why, hello, good sirs and ma’am!”

“Mw-mw.” Maggie said.

“Good afternoon, Little Girl.” Nickel Joe grinned slyly. “We was wonderin’ if yer father was home.”

“But of course! Come on in!” They followed the girl inside as the Baby Trio observed the fancy interior. It was what you’d expect of a rich person’s home, but there were plenty of black-and-white pictures and general old-timey merchandise.

“Apparently the phrase ‘get with the program’ isn’t familiar to these people.” Stewie remarked.

“DAAAAD! There’s a gent and his babies here to see you!” the girl called.

The man of the house, Richard Strowd Sr., stepped down the foyer stairs. “Evangeline Margaret Strowd, have I taught you nothing about letting strangers in the house?” the man stated scoldingly.

“Please, Mistuh Strowd, ya haven’t anythin’ to fear, we’re just here on business!” Joe assured. And with that, Stewie whipped out a goo gun and shot at Evangeline, sticking her against the wall.

“Evangeline!” Rick exclaimed. Nickel Joe shot forward and kicked the man against the stairs.

“Business is strictly business, Mr. Strowd. So tell me: where is the recipe?”

“The…The recipe?”

“You know very well what Ah’m talkin’ about. The recipe to the tastiest cake in the universe, created by the mother of the Annoyingly Cute Triplets. Our sources say you are the only one who saw its contents.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but I haven’t the slightest clue what you’re talking about. If you’re looking for a good cake recipe, might I suggest using this new thing called ‘the Internet’…”

“Unfort’nately, I ain’t a computer wiz, so let’s rap this up. And I phrase ‘rap’ without the double-yuh. Rallo, do the honors for me.”

The 5-year-old African-American revealed two boombox stereos in his afro. He flipped a switch as music started to play, and the boy took out a microphone to begin singing.

“Ooooohh Fathaaaahh! Why are YOU so fat?” Rick Strowd began to dance against his will. “Oooohhh Daddyyyyy! Why are YOU SOOO DIIIIM!” Rick jumped to his feet and started to shake his knees as he slid left and right along the one stair. “Can’t you see your SHOW is NOT SO gooood. And if you KEEP IT gooooin’ on. You gonna SHARE the same old faaate: AAAAS JOEEEEEYYY!”

And on that final note, his boombox unleashed a swarm of musical notes that pelted Rick Strowd and knocked him down again, leaving bloody bruises. “And on this SECOND verse, Maggie Simpson will be shootin’ ya with a rifle.” Joe said.

The spike-haired baby looked fierce as she loaded a rifle. “Mw-mw.”

“Stooop!” The group looked up the stairs as Margaret Drilovsky-Strowd hurried down, dressed in a pink frilly dress.

“And who might you be?” Nickel Joe grinned. “The lady of the house.”

“I know what you guys are after.” Margie stated. “And there’s a reason my husband can’t remember: he was decommissioned.”

“Decommissioned?...”

“Yes. He was in the Kids Next Door, but he was decommissioned for being technically overage. He forgot the recipe as a result.”

“Well, how the bloody hell are we supposed to get the recipe now??” Stewie questioned angrily. “We can’t just go back empty-handed, it’s like giving your friend trading cards for a show he’s never watched on his birthday!”

“But you know of these Kids Next Door, too.” Nickel Joe grinned slyly. “Tell me, is there a way to restore his memory back?”

“Yes.” Margaret glared. “The one who decommissioned him was my sister-in-law. And if I’m correct, her kids have taken over that task. I bet they have a solution to this.”

“You’ve peaked my interest, Miss Strowd.” Joe grinned, flipping his nickel. “So please, tell me: where can I find these relatives o’ yours?”

Drilovsky Household

Francis and Panini returned home on their S.C.A.M.P.E.R. and stepped off as they approached their front door. They stopped for a moment to look at their uncle’s horse carriage parked on the street. “I’m sure glad we don’t live with them.” Francis said.

“I guess. Whose limo, though?” Panini asked, also noticing a limo behind the carriage.

“Our aunt got tired of the old-times?” The query hung in their minds as they entered the house.

“!” They found their living room table smashed and a slight hole in the wall. They saw the closet door hanging slightly open and went to open it. “Ohhhh…” There lie their father, moaning and covered with bruises.

The kids froze with fear when they felt a presence behind them. “Please excuse the mess.” Nickel Joe said.

Panini jumped to throw flames at him, but he dodged aside and stuck her to the wall using toothpicks. Francis ran at him, but he threw toothpicks at his shoes and made him trip, his feet stuck to the ground now. He pulled the toothpicks loose while Panini burned hers, but- “AHHH!” They were trapped inside an anti-gravity bubble.

“There, that should hold you.” Stewie smirked, wielding the ray gun that created it. “Too bad defeating the father wasn’t this easy, didn’t think we’d have to use Rallo’s music.”

“Yeah, but now’s we got ‘em.” Rallo said. “Do it, Maggs.” The siblings gasped when Maggie aimed a gun at Patton’s head.

“Mw-mw.” She glared.

“Now I’d suggest tellin’ us where the Recommission Module is or we’ll blow ‘is brains out.” Joe grinned.

“YOU!” Panini screamed. “Ay thought takin’ our candy was bad enough, but THIS?! You have NO right!”

“‘Course we don’t, we’re pirates. We don’t play by the rules. And we can kill any shlobo we want. ‘less we…” He glanced to Maggie, who cocked her gun.

“What do you want the module for, anyway?!” Francis demanded.

“Our mom had an unsatisfactory birthday last month, and we wanted ta make up. Only one cake has the potency to do so, and only one man knows it.”

“Wait… you don’t mean-”

“I say, doesn’t this house have ONE serving of stewed rabbit and mince pies?” Rick Strowd complained as he entered the living room.

“For the last time, Rick, they prefer MODERN foods.” Margaret told him.

“Uncle Rick?!” Panini questioned.

“Aunt Margie?!” Francis yelled.

“So the secret’s out.” Joe said simply. “Yeah yeah, we’re tryin’ to squeeze the recipe outta him. ‘fortunately, your meddling mother erased his memory, the dame. Lucky for us she’s out shoppin’ now. I hear she’s pretty tough, so let’s wrap this up quickly. And this time with a double-U.”

“He meant unfortunately back then, too.” Stewie noted.

“So you gonna speak or what?” Joe threatened as Maggie aimed the gun closer.

Panini and Francis exchanged worried glances. “It’s right here.” Everyone looked at the entrance as Fanny Drilovsky herself stood, holding the device in her right palm.

“Ahh, if it isn’t the lady of the house herself. Or should I say ‘man’. Wink-wink. So hand it over, toots.” Joe approached the woman.

He was immediately kicked against the stairs. “You must not know me very well.”

Maggie just decided to shoot Patton, but Fanny already tossed a fireball and melted her gun, then did the same to Stewie’s. Panini and Francis dropped free as the former cheered, “GET ‘EM, MOM!”

“Dang, that’s child abuse.” Rallo said.

“Go cry to your mummy. Huh-!” She was met with rapid punches from behind, making her drop the Module. She turned to see her assaulter was Augustus. She tried to throw another flame, but barely came out.

“Boy, Dad was right: you do need to chill.” He smirked.

“But… that’s impossible. I was-” Fanny was silenced when Stewie froze her in brown, frozen soda, from another ray gun.

“MOM!!” her kids screamed.

Joe grabbed the device and proclaimed, “Much obliged.” The siblings tried to attack him, but ended up strapped to the wall via Stewie’s goo gun.

“How many does that brat have?!” Francis yelled.

“He comes prepared.” Joe said. “Now let’s see if the kickuh works.” He winded the device as it played its ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’ tune, aiming it at Rick. In a flash, the powerful ray fired, and all of Rick’s memories came rushing back. Being at war with his army of fellow KNDs, infiltrating the Annoying Triplets’ mansion, gazing upon their luscious recipe, being unfrozen from the sherbet, sitting in a cell with Fanny, making out with her, and finally his decommissioning.

“I…I remember it now.” Rick spoke, stricken with shock. “I was in Kids Next Door… I got frozen. And… that unRULY girl decomMISSIONED me! Why, the very nerve! This is exactly why I said we shouldn’t let girls in the Kids Next Door! They’ll start doing whatEVER they want, and then-”

“Cut the cockamony and tell us: do ya remember the recipe?” Joe asked.

“Yes, I…I think I DO remember… something about a recipe. I remember… forgetting the recipe… but it was on my chest… and, this man was-”

“Well, we’ll squeeze it outta you in time. You’re comin’ with us. Contain ‘im, Stewie.”

The baby whipped out a shrink ray and shrunk Rick to 2 inches tall, catching him in a jar. “Want somebody kidnapped without struggle? Your family making a difficult move? With Stu Industries’ new line of shrink rays, your life just got a whole lot easier!” he said to the camera, acting as if in a commercial.

“Like we don’t got enough of those.” Rallo said.

“Hey! You can’t take-” Margie tried to speak, but Stewie froze her in soda.

“Take the Rabbit Ears, too, Augustus.” Joe ordered.

“Certainly!” Without hesitation, Augustus dealt more chi-block punches against Panini before pulling her from the wall, letting Stewie bind her in more goo.

“Nnn! Hey! Let me go!” demanded Panini as she shook.

“What’s your deal?!” Francis yelled, trying desperately to shake free. “You got what you wanted, why you taking her?!”

“My instincts tell you Kids Next Door are going to be a problem.” Nickel Joe grinned slyly as usual. “As Chief Negotiator, I need the right tools. And since Mom has a score with this young lassie anyway, they ain’t no harm with killin’ two birds. But don’t worry, they ain’t no one killin’. That is… ‘long as youse guys cooperate.” And the crew took their captives in the limo and drove away.

“No! Come back! PANINIIIII!”

Later

Drilovsky Household

Cheren and Sector V flew down on their respective ships and hurriedly entered the Drilovsky home. “Francis, what’s-” Almost upon entry, Cheren bumped into a frozen brown ice cube, creating a chain reaction of everyone else bumping each other. “AAAH!!” They shrieked at the sight of Fanny Drilovsky frozen solid, and behind her Margaret Strowd. The group then observed the ruined state of his house.

“This.” Francis stated.

Haylee wiped her finger across the ice and licked the liquid. “It’s… soda.”

“What… happened?” Aurora asked.

“It was Nickel Joe.”

“Who?”

“The mobster guy that’s been taking candy the past few months. He showed up with these 3 babies and kidnapped Uncle Strowd and Panini!”

“What?!” Cheren shouted.

“We might wanna ask her.” Patton said, indicating Margie.

“Aurora, Chris, unfreeze them.” Cheren ordered.

The two nodded as Aurora set fire to Fanny’s ice cube, and Chris burned Margie’s. They turned to steam in seconds, as Fanny absorbed the fire, and Margie- “YOOOOOWWW!”

“Heh heh heh. I’ve been wantin’ to do that for a long time.” Chris chuckled.

Patton grabbed his sister’s ponytail and shoved her to the floor, planting his foot on her back. “You’re in real big trouble now, Sis.”

“Hey, get your boot off me! This dress is dry-clean only!”

He scrapped his muddy boot against it. “What I was hoping for.”

“Okay, okay! Those four guys just showed up outta nowhere and attacked my husband for some recipe! He didn’t know it, and I told ‘em he was decommissioned. Then we came here, and, well.”

“They took the Recommissioning Module and brought Numbuh 19th-Century’s memory back.” Fanny concluded. “They took him AND Panini away.”

“Numbuh 19th-Century? They must want to find the Annoyingly Cute Triplets’ recipe!” Haylee exclaimed.

“But why Panini?!” Cheren demanded.

“Probably because she badmouthed their boss a few months ago.” Francis replied. “Over a phone.”

“Gnnnn.” Cheren fumed and pinched his nasal bridge. “Well, why couldn’t YOU do anything?”

“I could’ve melted them easy.” Fanny proclaimed. “If not for that AUGUSTUS boy! Sneakin’ up and chi-blockin’ me!”

“Wait… Augustus?” Haylee asked.

“You know him?” Cheren asked.

“My dad is friends with his dad. He’s a professional candy hunter.”

“He’s Ace and Henrietta’s son.” Patton summarized.

“Oh, right. Flyboy’s son.” Fanny said smugly.

He’s cool! Kirie signed.

“When I was 3, his family visited us one Christmas, and he sorta got me into candy,” Haylee explained, “telling me about all sorts of rare types. Then he snuck over every occasion to take me on one of his adventures. They were really fun.” She smiled.

“Glad to know I ain’t the only one.” Sheila smirked.

“But one day he just disappeared. His parents called and asked if he was over… we never saw him again.”

“He wasn’t with the Punk Hazard kids.” Dillon recalled.

“Or maybe he was.” Haruka said with remorse. “And he ended up… dying…”

“Uh, no, because we just saw him WORKING for those guys.” Francis reminded.

“Well, we’ll see how the Fizzuras feel about that.” Haylee said.

“The thing is, Ace’s wife went out looking for him the moment he disappeared.” Patton informed. “We have no idea where she is now.”

“Well, it’s time for us to begin searching for them.” Cheren spoke seriously. “Send out all available units and-” It was at that moment a distant, high-pitch whirring sound was heard. The group jumped in surprise when a house across the street was blown up by a cannonball.

Everyone ran outside and gaped in horror: a tremendous pirate ship sailed across the land, squishing countless houses in its path and blasting others with cannons. The ship looked like a gigantic, luscious colorful cake with chocolate icing. It had three sails: the bottom, biggest had a skull symbol with big lips, grinning teeth, and a captain’s hat with a crown. The center, white sail had big black letters which read ‘BIG MOM’. The top sail had a golden crown, which kinda looked like Princess Peach’s. The ship had plenty of large sweets sticking out from the top, including a giant pink cake, and its keel had a white, smiling face, with a big mouth that appeared to be singing. “I am a ship, la la la la, so fun to be a ship, doo doo doo doo. Hello tiny peoples, I am a ship, la la.”

The ship sailed around the town and blasted its cannons nonstop, and screams of agony echoed everywhere. Jawbreaker cannonballs flew at the Drilovsky house, but Fanny hurled fireballs to explode them, and Patton jumped high to punch them away, knocking them at other houses. _“HEY!”

“Sorry!” he apologized.

Sector V got in their C.O.O.L.-B.U.S. and flew after to begin blasting the ship. It launched ice cream cone missiles at them, and the candles on its cake blasted flames up. “All hands, direct fire at the school bus, ahhhhh.” ordered Commander Fat Jack.

The C.O.O.L.-B.U.S. barrel-rolled and evaded fire, putting on its shield to absorb the shots. When it was charged, the team unleashed a shockwave that knocked Fat Jack and the crewmen down.

Patton and Fanny struggled to keep the cannonballs away. Cheren and Francis felt helpless as they watched, not strong enough to do anything their selves. They gasped when a cannonball flew directly at Fanny, blowing her head clean off. “MOM!!” Francis screamed.

But they were stricken with surprise when her head formed right back in green flames. “Ahhhh. What?” she smirked casually.

“!!!!” They couldn’t close their mouths.

The C.O.O.L.-B.U.S. still managed to evade as they took aim at the cake in the front. “Locked and loaded, there pirates are getting a salty surprise.” Haylee announced.

“Not so fast, childrens, ahhhhh.” And with that, Fat Jack leaped high and flew directly at the 4x4 ship. Flipping horizontally (though he still looked round either way), he pressed his butt against Sector V’s windshield and ‘POOOOOT’ blasted enough gas to make their ship lose control and crash on the ground.

“Ahhhh think that’s good enough. Play the message, ahhhhh.”

A group of teddybear soldiers set up a hologram projector. The ship ceased fire as a gigantic screen displayed in the sky, showing Stewie’s image.

“Hello American Idol, I know it’s been a while, um, I haven’t really been in best shape lately, but, you know I still think I got what it takes, and I’m really sexy! See-; Baaaby. Baaaby. Baby, ooooohh yeah!”

One of the teddybears slapped the other, quickly fixing the projector to play the right message. “Nyyyaaaa ha ha haaaa!” laughed a gigantic, shadowed woman with big, grinning teeth. “Is this the Kids Next Door? I hope so, or someone’s gettin’ eaten. You’ve crossed the wrong liiine, zesty brats. You’ve insulted the captain of the renowned Big Mom Pirates. That’s enough to get the FULL taste of my WRAAATH. Luckily for you… I am feeling generous lately. I am having a reprising of my birthday party, with a bigger and better cake. I know of your past endeavors, ruining parties, and I will not tolerate such rude behavior. For that reason… I have captured this BRAT.” She reached aside and grabbed Panini in her hand, trapped in goo.

“Panini!” Cheren yelled.

“If any more of your brats impede my progress… I will delight in this luscious little morsel… as my pre-party snack. Furthermore… I will trace the brats responsible, back to their respective country, and BURY it in my FROSTING. So, State of Virginia… you’ve had only a small taste. Test my patience again… and have the full dish. Aaaaaahhhh…” She loomed Panini closer to her gaping, drooling mouth, and the girl shook frantically in horror.

The screen vanished as the tremendous ship, labeled the Big Ma’am, sailed toward the sea and crossed the briny blue. In its wake was a gaping trail of dirt. There was barely any trace that roads and houses used to be there.

Big Ma’am

Stewie dumped the tiny Rick out of the jar and restored him to normal size. “I say, young man, do your PARENTS know you’re shrinking people?!” Rick scolded.

“Yes, my folks know EVERYTHING that’s goin’ on in my life.” Stewie said with sarcasm.

“Please, forgive us for the roughhousin’.” said Nickel Joe slyly, flipping the coin he’s named after. “We can’t help enjoyin’ it. Now Rickie, what is it you know about this here recipe?”

“I’m sorry, but I haven’t the faintest clue what the recipe is. I’ve only laid eyes on it for a brief moment, then I never saw it again.”

“Then WE up chocolate creek without a marshmallow.” Rallo said.

“Ahhhh’s okay, Rick.” Joe assured. “We was afraid of such, but we’s got another method. Lala?” He stepped aside as a brown-haired, early 20s girl, with a pink dress and red eyes, approached them. Her right eye was open, along with a third eye on her forehead, while her left eye was closed.

“Eeeuuh!” Rick flinched in disgust at her third eye.

“Lala here ate the Eye-Eye Fruit. It gives her a third eye, which only opens inside peoples’ minds. She can share it with other people to see into their own mind and look at parts of their memory. Even parts they can’t remember, but that comes with a limit: depending how cloudy the person’s memory is, it could be cloudy to look back on it. So seeing it while you were decommissioned was impossible, but now we got a better shot.”

“Only opens when… but her third eye is already open!”

“No, her third eye is her left eye. She was already born with that forehead eye.”

“YUUCK!!”

“Show him up close, Lala.” The girl approached Rick, grabbed his shoulder, and pulled him close to press her closed, left eye to his right. They both saw a foggy memory of Rick infiltrating the Triplets’ mansion, and viewing the recipe with his own eyes, for 1 brief second before he stashed it in his shirt. For that brief second, Lala scanned the blurry recipe.

“It’s hard to make out.” She said. “But I can see part of it. One of the ingredients is… the Blurpleberry Supreme.”

“Ahhhh, that’s just dandy.” Joe grinned. “Augustus suspected such, that’s why we have Fat Jack already on it. I think he’s paired up with a couple thugs in the area to search the temple. Just keep tryin’ to uncloud the fog, and we’ll be after ‘em faster than red vanishes from a candycane. We got a whole fleet of candy-crazers, so that’s a lot-a lickin’.”

Sunny Day; near Sugar Deserts

The Raccoon Pirates made it back to the Sunny Day and readied the ship for sail. As Chris was raising the anchor, he looked up and spotted an incoming ship. “Uh, guys… we got company.”

Everyone saw it was a gray ship designed like a coughdrop, captained by none other than Nickel Joe himself. The shifty man sported his usual grin as he spoke, “Parley.”

“Alright, guys, let’s kick his-” Chris was about to speak, but Sheila held him back.

“He said parley. There’ll be no fighting here.”

“But he kidnapped Panini.” Aurora whispered. “This might be our chance to-”

“The negotiator won’t be harmed ‘til the parley is complete.” Sheila stated seriously. “And even then, only ‘til we meet again.”

“Siiiigh…”

Joe’s ship parked parallel to the Sunny as the man stepped one foot on his railing. “Well, what a fancy lookin’ ship youse bunch of squirts be usin’. The only kids I’d expect to use anything of that stature are the Kids Next Door. You wouldn’t happen ta be, aaah… interferin’ with our business, are ya?”

“We ain’t got a lick of bizzo with those blokes.” Sheila replied. “We’re pirates.”

“Pirates, ahh? Pretty young squirts to be sailing the seas. You wouldn’t happen ta have any correlation to a young, spicy rabbit called ‘Panini,’ would ya?”

“Never heard of her.” Sheila confirmed.

“Yep,” Carol nodded, “so if you killed someone with that name, we wouldn’t care ONE- B’OOH.” The Gilligans tackled her.

“Hmmmm… Well, this is an unexpected turn of chronology. Fat Jack said he encountered some munchkins in the desert… but just what are you doing here on this here shore?”

Sheila unwrapped and raised the Blurpleberry Supreme high. “The Blurpleberry Supreme…” he observed. “After the Sugary Wonders too, are ya? Awful bit of coincidence.”

“Well, we’re still kids.” Haylee responded. “Our life’s goal is to hunt for candy.”

“It’s understandable, but some candies have way more value than satisfying your taste buds. Surely you would wanna leave that candy in more capable hands?”

“Like yours? As if.” Aurora remarked. “We started this crew as a form of rebellion against adults who wanna take our candy. So we’re sailing the seas and taking ALL the greatest candies in the world, so you ADULTS can’t have them.”

Sheila looked at her with approval. “Yeh… but we can’t count on those Kids Next Door for squat, they like haulin’ all the candy, too. Not ta mention we can’t hunt ‘em when we want. So that’s why, we want all this tasty candy for ourselves! So neither you nor THEY can get it!”

“A truly rambunctious band of pirates.” Joe flipped his nickel. “Just what is the name of your pirate crew?”

“We’re the Raccoon Pirates.” Sheila answered justly.

“Raccoon Pirates… Come ta think of it, you bare striking resemblance to the legendary Golden-Fist Marine. You wouldn’t be a new division, would ya?”

“You’re looking at the flesh of ol’ Golden-Fist ‘erself!” Sheila winked. “I’m Sheila the Sunny Fist!”

“Sun-Fist Sheila, ahhhh… Well, this has been a pleasant interaction, Sunny Fist. We’ll let you keep the Blurple Supreme for now, but we look forward to encountering you again. Since both of us seek the same treasures, you and us are now enemies.”

Nickel Joe and his squad hopped off the boat and crossed the desert. Without another word, the Sunny Day set sail for the open seas. “Ahhh, an adventure well done, mates.” Sheila said, flipping the Supreme.

“But we could’ve taken that Nickel guy now and forced him to tell us their hideout.” Aurora said.

“Yeah, we could have… but he wasn’t lookin’ to fight, and even as pirates, we have to uphold a code. And if we’re ever going to beat those blokes, we need ta play like pirates ‘til the end…”

Big Ma’am

A duo of Nickel Joe’s buff henchmen pulled Al Sugarh by the arms and threw him on the ground before Black John. “Soooo, this be the sand-salty shrew that be darin’ to make barters with us. Tell me, Sugarh, where be the Blurpleberry Supreme?”

“I had it in my possession, but those filthy Kids Next Door robbed it from me!”

“Kids Next Door?” Nickel Joe approached from behind with his sly grin. “Accordin’ to the info I acquired from thems selves, they call their selves the Raccoon Pirates.”

“Raccoon Pirates?!” Big Mom’s shadowy image appeared on the screen. “The ones captained by Golden-Fist Marine?!”

“A different sort, Mama. The captain here was Sun-Fist Sheila, and her band was a bunch of snotty kids.”

“Snotty kids?! And they aren’t Kids Next Doooor?!”

“Accordin’ to their words, yes. They was reasonable to negotiate on the grounds of parley. But they wasn’t willin’ to hand over the Blurpleberry. But what do ya think, Mom? Are they trustworthy?”

“Nnnnn… they must certainly be Kids Next Door… trying to rescue their luscious comrade. Hnnn, I could eat her now… but it’s far too risky. I’d rather not have so many in my way when hunting the Sugary Wonders. Just this small amount of children should pose no threat. Inform me if any more of these ‘pirates’ interfere with our plans. If there is more than those same kids, fresh Panini Pancakes on the menu today.”

“Will do, Ma.” Joe flipped. “But what shalls we do about the particular gentleman which handed the treasure to such?”

“PUNISH HIM to his graaaaave.”

“A request Ay’ve been yearnin’ ferrrrr.” Black John growled. Al Sugarh shuddered with fear when the vice-captain grabbed the very space behind him, and ripped open a rift of darkness.

“Eeek!... AAAYAAAAAAAHHHH!” The thief was swallowed by the ghouls of the Underworld.

With that, Black John placed the bottom of a red candle in his mouth, lit the top end with a lighter, and blew it like a cigar. “Well, at any rate,” Nickel Joe continued, “what’s the stasis on that there recipe?”

Lala’s left; third eye was pressed against Rick’s as she still studied his memory. “I’ve found a few more. One of them is… the Fourth Flavor. Located on the Mountain of Flavors in southeast Greenland.”

“Poifect.” Joe flipped. “We have a vessel in that region. Call one o’ the tykes and have them get over there. In fact, better to send over Maggie. If those Raccoon Rascals thinks of takin’ our Sugary Wonders, what easier way to stop them than a swift, semi-painless, unseen death.”

Sunny Day

Night fell once again as everyone was fast asleep, eager to hopefully reach their new land by morning. Everyone slept in one room, on either hammocks or mats that were laying about. Except for Sheila Frantic, however, who slept nice and calm on the deck, which still had a few traces of snow. Her snowraccoon was close to melting, and it’s guessed it would likely be gone by tomorrow. That’s why the friends ate part of it since it was part-ice-cream. The ship was still left sailing with the wind at their backs, and Haylee awoke every hour to check their progress. Throughout the night, there were still open seas dead ahead, so she was safe to sleep for another hour.

At 7:00am, it was a crisp and clear morning. Everyone awakened for their morning snacks and watched the sun rise in the distant, pink east. “LAAAAND HOOOO!” Their ecstatic captain was seated on the keel, first to see the incoming mountain range. The Mountain of Flavors towered high into the heavens, and appeared like thin, sharp, very tall needles. Very misty clouds drifted around them, and a light cold breeze radiated from their summit.

The ship parked beside a thin strip of land that mimicked a pier, and Sheila was the first to set foot. She marched forward with her crew behind, viewing the narrow path that led up the steep landscape. Sheila whiffed a huge breath of cold, ice-creamy air through her nose. “Smells just loike my fridge.”

...

After a while of climbing, the Raccoons passed a narrow pathway between close walls. The path led onto a high cliffside, where the rest of this vast mountain lay in their wake. (Pause song.)

“Mw-mw-mw…”

Haylee’s eyes widened. “Get down!” They ducked behind a wall before bullets flung at them from a distance.

From atop a high cliffside a few miles ahead, Maggie Simpson readied her gun and held her right hand like an ‘O’ in front of her eye. She expanded the ‘O’ as her pupil expanded, and her vision zoomed closer. Seeing Carol peek out from the wall, Maggie fired her gun. “Ahhhhh!” Mason pulled Carol back.

“It’s that Maggie girl, what’ll we do now?!” Haylee shouted.

“AH’LL take care of this!” Sheila declared as she punched a Light Sphere where the bullets came from. Maggie immediately shot the sphere as Sheila threw many more, but the 1-year-old’s bullets came blindingly fast.

Haylee pulled her back and said, “We’ll need to find a way around until we get out of her vision. I see a fork up ahead, let’s take the left route. Sheila, distract her with your spheres!”

Sheila went ahead and rapidly punched Light Spheres at Maggie, distracting the baby while the others ran for the left path, then she joined. They followed a slightly wide path between walls, having to stay along the right wall to avoid Maggie’s vision. However, some pirates hovered overhead with jetpacks and held mirror shields ready. The kids saw their reflections in the shields, and frantically dodged when Maggie’s bullets bounced off of them, nearly hitting. Sheila punched Light Spheres that only bounced off the mirrors, then Maggie shot them down, so Sheila decided to whirl her spheres around the pirates and hit their jetpacks from the sides.

The enemies plummeted, giving Maggie no way to see them, so the kids stayed along the right wall. They saw a Gold Wonka Bar on the left wall, so Kirie happily skipped to it, quickly jumping back when bullets rained down. Haylee glared and shook her head, but the blonde girl wore a determined look. Sheila threw spheres up that Maggie shot, letting Kirie quickly run out and grab the candy bar before Maggie shot her again. They hurried along and reached a small stairway leading into a wide cave, with many holes where light shone from the ceiling.

Sheila stood in one of the light patches where the hole slanted diagonally, quickly jumping when Maggie spotted and shot at her. The kids decided to go around the spotlights, but the vertical ones had mirrors below them that bounced the light across the path, and mirrors above the holes just as well. Artie carefully stuck his hand in a horizontal light beam, and flinched when a round of bullets bounced their way down. To cross this first beam, they simply climbed on some short platforms nearby and hopped across. They arrived at a water area and had to dive underneath to avoid another horizontal spotlight.

They resurfaced and climbed on a foothold, overlooking a part of the water where whirlpools roamed. They couldn’t dive in in this area, but the foothold across from them had searchlights blocking it. They noticed another crystal ball-n-chain beside one of the holes, but to reach and angle it properly, Mason had to eat a Fudgepuffsicle and float upward while Sheila bounced on him. They maneuvered around the wall searchlights until they were at level with the ball-n-chain, so Sheila could punch a charged Light Sphere, fling the crystal spike up, and plug one of the holes.

They jumped this gap and reached the next foothold, where they could safely dive in the water. They had to navigate around a few more whirlpools which threatened to spin them in searchlights, eventually reaching the ledge that led further through the cave. They were in a wide area that was more rocky, with several ice cream cone stalactites on the ceiling. Spotlights aimed at them as well, so Maggie blasted the cones and made them fall as the kids dashed through. “How does she even know we’re here?!” Haylee yelled.

“The very slight rumbles of the cones?” Harry inquired.

“Her eyesight can’t be THAT good!”

They climbed up a few walls until they reached a tunnel that curved rightward. They carefully passed through until it became straight, and Maggie was dead ahead. The one-year-old saw them, however, and quickly blasted bullets that ricocheted off the walls. “Leave it ta me.” Sheila whispered. “AAAAHH-” She dashed forward throwing rapid Light Spheres, but Maggie blasted each one and ricocheted other bullets off walls until one hit her left foot, making her trip.

“Sheila!” Mason and the others ran forward, except Kirie, who held Dillon back. Dillon looked at her with confusion as the girl wore a serious look in her mismatched eyes.

The others tried to pull Sheila back as Maggie fired ricocheting bullets, which Chris and Aurora tried to block with fire, but it didn’t do much, and the team flinched while trying to avoid Maggie’s bullets. They gasped when Kirie went ahead and happily jumped around to avoid Maggie’s bullets. She tossed her fans at the child, but Maggie shot them away, then successfully grazed the left of Kirie’s waist.

The baby glared and twirled her gun, but a sensation fell over her as she suddenly felt immobilized. She glanced left to see her shadow, which extended to a close, but distant wall due to the sun, seemed to attach to another shadow that came from a nearby hole, which led into the cave they just were. Dillon was the cause of this, standing on the other side as his shadow, Mario stretched along and caught Maggie’s shadow in a Shadow Possession. He was struggling to keep the grip, so Kirie recovered fast, dashed at the sniper, leapt, and SLAMMED her foot to Maggie’s face. Dillon released the possession as the binky flew from Maggie’s mouth, and she plummeted down the vast windy chasm.

Haruka gave Sheila a Healing Sting before bandaging her left foot, then hurried to do the same to Kirie as the others regrouped. “…Did we just kill a baby?” Haylee asked.

“She’ll probably survive.” Mason replied.

“Wow, Dillon, way to go!” Haylee praised. “How’d you know where to stretch your shadow?”

“Actually, Kirie came up with the plan.” Dillon smiled. “She determined Maggie’s location as to the nearest hole and drew this diagram for my shadow to follow.” He held up a small paper with a crayon drawing, where a curved line led from a ‘Hole’ to Maggie. “Her shadow ended just beside the hole, so Mario didn’t need to stretch far to catch her. Otherwise, he probably wouldn’t’ve made it.”

“But we didn’t even see her shadow.” Haylee noted.

Well, it was OBVIOUS it was there because of the sun’s POSITIONING, sillyyy! Kirie signed.

“We’ll never doubt you again, Kir.” Chris said.

“To think if we came here later in the day, we probably couldn’t pull that off.” Haruka figured.

“So as you see, the Spirit o’ Adventure be with us.” Sheila fist-palmed with a smirk, no longer feeling the pain in her foot. “It’s time to move further!”

Candied Island; sometime much later

“Bluuuurrrve. What is the status on the remaining Sugary Wonders?” Big Mom asked her subordinate.

“Black John called and reported they found Stewie unconscious at his secret base.” Augustus replied, a lollipop in his mouth. “Also, Sir Knightly reported succeeding in letting the Raccoon Pirates take the Rainbow Lolli in Cotton Clouds. He… was not sure on the objective, I think.”

“Muuurrrrrrfff!” Big Mom’s eyes reddened further, gripping her right armrest tight. “The aggravation those runts cause me is increasing! And their power… just how could they have clashed with Grim-Stare Mandy and survive?!”

“Well, because they had help from Henrietta Marzipan. My mom. Nickel Joe’s men reported seeing her, but fell unconscious due to Mandy’s attack, so they aren’t sure on the details. But they’ve deemed it the most likely reason for her defeat.”

“Hnnnn… Candy Hunter Henrietta was in the same crew as Gold-Fist Marine… so of course she would help Marine’s daughter. But those other kids… CAN’T be the other members’ children. Why would they… get mixed in with Gold-Fist?!”

“I don’t know. But looking at the photographs, I recognize one of the members as Haylee Gilligan. My mom’s friend’s daughter who I used to take on adventures with me. I dunno if she’s in Kids Next Door, but her parents were.”

“Maaaaa?! Every day, they get more suspicious. I just know they have some connection with Kids Next Door! Some elaborate disguise to keep from breaking our deal.”

“So, what? You gonna eat the girl?”

“Hnnnn… the time has come I deal with them once and for all. I will have my officers attack them at once… and THEY will determine once and for all, if these brats are KND-related. And if they are…” Her bloodshot eyes directed to Panini in her cell, her massive teeth drooling, “I’ll have the spiciest pancake I’ve ever feasted…”

On a certain island

The cave closed as soon as the kids were out, and rushed through the jungle in fear that their ship was in danger. “The Big Moms might be already-” But when they made it to shore, they stopped with utter fright: indeed, the Big Moms were already here, all their top commanders. Black John with his evil grin, Nickel Joe and his sly grin, Fat Jack and his unchanged, slobbery expression, Stewie, Rallo, and Sir Knightly. The Big Ma’am was parked behind the Sunny, and Maggie was perched atop its sail.

“We’ve let ye kiddies roam around long enough.” John stated. “It’s time ye finally learned… the Sugary Wonders belong to our captain! And any runt who dare say otherwise, belong on her menu.”

“We’ve got ya cornered now, slicks.” Joe flipped. “We’ll give ya a chance to run with pee drippin’ down your pants.”

Sheila wasn’t going to take that. She would take them here, once and for all. “HuuuuUUUUH!” She ran forth, fist spinning and aiming at John, but before it could make contact, Fat Jack jumped in the way, catching Sheila’s fist in his belly and bouncing her away. She tried to recover, but Black John zipped above her and stabbed a Finger Pistol through her stomach. “Ulp!”

John then zipped back beside his cohorts. “…Grrrrr! ATTACK!” Chris declared, and the 10 other crewmembers charged in. Haylee searched around for Maggie, but was startled when a bullet grazed her right waist. She looked up and saw Maggie on the Big Ma’am’s crow’s nest, quite a far distance for her to reach. She growled at the 1-year-old, but before she could think, Maggie blasted a quick round of bullets, grazing many parts of Haylee’s body.

Dillon ran at Nickel Joe, who still kept his sly grin, and the boy dodged as Joe hurled his exploding nickels. Dillon blew Shadow Breath at Joe, but he jumped overhead and tossed toothpicks to bind Dillon’s shoes to the ground. “Hey, Toothpick!” After landing, he looked to face Carol. “How ‘bout an extra 20 CENTS?” She threw a quarter at his face, but he merely smacked it away.

“Heh. That weren’t nearly enough force. Let me show how it’s done.” He held both hands behind his back, his left reaching in his back pocket as it touched a nickel. His right hand was open as another nickel spawned, and he proceeded to flick that at Carol and blow her away. “Waaaaah!”

Artie watched that with worry, and- “Ahem.” gasped when he saw Stewie giving a glare, wielding a ray gun.

Artie shook off his fear and glared determinedly at Stewie. “WAAAAH!” He ran forth, aiming to punch, but Stewie fired his shrink ray and made Artie 2 inches tall. _“Ulp!” Artie looked at the giant baby with fright. _{“Waaaaah!”} And ran fast as his little legs could.

Mason and Haruka teamed up and sent poisonous gas at Fat Jack, and Chris and Aurora shot flames to set this gas on fire. But Fat Jack was unphased, as he inhaled all of this gas and fire like it was nothing. His skin turned red in the belly, but he shot the fire straight back and blew the Dimalantas away, while the Unos dodged.

_{“Eeeeeee!”} Tiny Artie ran from Stewie as the larger baby blasted lasers at him, which were obviously far bigger. When Stewie had a clear shot and locked on, a hand swooped and saved Artie from obliteration. He found himself safe in the warmth of Kirie’s sleeves. _{“Hehe! Thanks, Kir!”} he said with great relief.

Kirie smiled to her friend before tucking him under her sweater. She glared at the baby and drew her fans, running to attack him.

After dodging Jack’s attack, Chris ran into Sir Knightly. “Ahooooy! Helloooo, Chrisie-senpaaaai! I hope you enjoyed my watermelons, ‘cause NOW you’ll face THIS:” Chris kept guard as Knightly got in a fighting pose. “HAND TO THE GROUND ATTACK!” He pressed his hand to and gripped the ground tight. “Nnn… that’s it.”

“RAAAAH!” Chris jumped and KICKED Knightly across the head, knocking him down. His flames alit, Chris proceeded to beat Knightly to a pulp, but he couldn’t tell if damage was being done through his armor.

With her brother occupied, Aurora faced a grinning Black John. She punched fire at the pirate, but John used Shave and warped to Aurora’s left, punching her away. She tried to throw more fires that John easily dodged, grabbing Aurora’s shoulder once he made it and throwing her skyward. “Moon Walk!” He jumped as high as her, his fingers ready. “Finger Pistol!”

“Mmmm!” Her eyes widened when the fingers pierced her rear.

“Extended Sentence: 500 MORE YEARS!!” And she flew several meters.

Kirie swiftly dodged Stewie’s missiles and made it to the baby, grabbing the sides of his head, flipping upside-down above him, and KICKING him in the face. Ope! She jumped back when the kick barely budged him at all.

Stewie lightly rubbed his nose. “Sigh, you can never find a good man nowadays to do that.”

What’s WITH this baby?? Kirie questioned. Stewie whipped out a grappling hook and launched it to Kirie, pulling himself over, swinging around to tie her up, and let her fall down.

Artie climbed out the bottom of Kirie’s sweater and frightfully ran, but- _{“AAAAAHH!”} Stewie pinned him under his foot and added pressure. _{“Aaaaack-k-k…”} Artie’s stick-like bones were breaking.

As Harry watched Artie’s tiny form be squished like a stick, and Haylee leaking with blood as a barrage of bullets pierced her… Harry wasn’t sure how to protect them both, but now he wouldn’t need to. “Yo yo, is that best you got?” sang Rallo as Harry began dancing against his will. “Yo’ time is up, you about to get served, pain and ‘miliation like you never heard. Ain’tchu got swag ‘cause you a disgrace, you like a clown after pie done covered your face!”

“Uhh-” Harry shook to his senses, “You think you can break me, ‘cause I tell you some’, this pirate crew gonna kick your bum-”

“Oh you are, just whatchu gonna do, I admit you bust some impressive moves, I ain’t see no butts no gettin’ kicked, when trouble comes knockin’, it’s the floor you lick.”

“Er, but-”

“AAH! NO BUTS! My point is quite clear! You ‘fraidy kitty, no, ‘fraidy DEER. Get in yo’ thick head, you just a wimp! Even yo’ BRAIN’S not as good to match this pimp! Where’s yo’ bustin’ rhymes, yo’ bustin’ groove? I only see bustin’ done by your CAPTAIN, DUDE! Your sailing days now reach their end. The sea NO PLACE for you man, COME BACK when you over TEN!”

And Rallo blasted a storm of music that pelted Harry all around. The older triplet was left a bloody mess as he fell defeated.

Aurora awoke and ran at Black John again, but he easily zipped over and pelted her with Finger Pistols. As Aurora fell to her knees in pain, John tore open a rift to send a swarm of ghouls at the girl. As they all flew through Aurora’s body like nothing, she felt her very strength and energy fade.

“Guh! Guh! Guh! Guh! Guh!” Chris continuously punched Sir Knightly’s helmet, but no sign showed of him taking pain. Chris finally got off after a while, but Sir Knightly jumped to his feet.

“I’m still aliiiive!”

“HUUUU!” Chris tackled him again. “Guh! Guh! Guh! Guh! Guh! Guh!”

Fat Jack leaped above Mason and Haruka and came down with a Ground Pound, but the two dodged aside. Haruka came at him with a Poison Sting and tried to stick his belly, but his thick squishy belly proved impenetrable still. When he bounced her away, Mason sent Gas Bombs at him, but Jack caught them in his mouth and let them explode inside, his belly puffing with little bursts.

With that, Jack pulled out a Shrink Sweet and swallowed, and he now looked the size of a little bouncy rubber ball. “Well, he just made this easier.” Mason exchanged smiles with Haruka.

_{“Weight-Weight BULLET Bomb.”} But fast as a bullet, the little Fat Jack shot at Mason and Haruka, from all directions until they were knocked down completely. Fat Jack ate a Growth Gum and grew to normal size, leaping high in the heavens above Mase and Haru. “Weight-Weight Squishy SQOO.” The twins felt their bones squish under his unbearable weight.

“Shadow Possession!” Dillon stretched his shadow to catch Nickel Joe, but he leapt overhead to throw coins around the shadowbender, exploding and covering Dillon with soot, knocking him out. Joe directed his attention back at Carol, his sly grin making her shudder. He shot over and kicked her in the face, knocking her out just like that.

Sheila gripped her stomach, panting angrily as she recovered. Mason and Haruka crushed under Fat Jack’s weight, Dillon and Carol injured, Artie flattened under Stewie’s foot, Haylee and Harry fallen to Maggie and Rallo’s attacks… there was only Chris, who was mindlessly punching Knightly. But with all the others done, the Big Mom Pirates walked up to Sheila. The raccoon spun her fist, charged over, but Stewie shot his anti-gravity bubble to make her float up. Rallo threw music notes to pop her bubble and damage, then Maggie proceeded to pelt her with bullets. When she fell back down, Fat Jack bounced her to Joe, who forcefully kicked her to John, who raised his cloak of spiked lollies and let Sheila stick. With that, the vice-captain grabbed and threw Sheila away. (End song.)

“HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH!” Chris kept punching Knightly, desperate to beat him. “Huh… huh… huff… siiiigh…” He just couldn’t keep going.

“HYAA-AAH!” The knight kicked Chris off. “NOW YOU fell for my trap! All your beatings gave me power for… AWESOME DEATH OPEN-HAND-THROW ATTACK!” He threw his hand open at Chris. “…That’s it.”

“That’ll do, Sir Knightly.” said Black John as he held Chris up by the hair. “Lala, Dearie. Come out here and confirm something.”

The three-eyed woman came out and pressed her closed left eye to Chris’s right. A band of Tediz also set up the large hologram projector to give Big Mom a view of the show. “The moment of truth is NOW, Big Mom…” Black John said. “The moment we see, once and for all… if these brats are who they aaaarrre.”

Lala carefully skimmed Chris’s mind. He and his sector flew in the storm caused by Phosphora, he fought with the decommissioners against the Teens, and they attended the GKND’s party. A more recent memory, him and Aurora in their house as Cheren spoke with them. “All your boogers are removed from the Code Module. Now that you’re no longer Kids Next Door, you should be able to safely locate Panini and fight these pirates.”

“I sure hope this works…” Aurora said.

Lala pulled away from Chris, who was now barely conscious due to his endless onslaught. “WELL? …WHAT IS IT?” demanded Big Mom.

Lala turned and faced her with all 3 eyes. “…They are Kids Next Door.”

“RAAAAAHH!” Big Mom’s eyes shook. “YOOOU thought you could lie to CHARLOTTE LINLIN? You, who have defied the will of the Linlin Family, as ALL other generations of snot-nosed brats have done before me. WHAT have you to say for yourself?!”

Sheila wouldn’t let it go down like this. She stood up firmly and yelled with the greatest sureness, “WE’RE NOT KIDS NEXT DOOR!!!”

The Big Moms were struck speechless. Even though the truth was found out… she sounded so sure. So convincing. …She was a good liar.

“ENOUGH of your LIIIIES! Briiing meee… THE PRISONER!!”

Big Mom’s henchmen, Pekoms and Tamago, retrieved an unconscious Panini from her cell and presented her to their captain. Big Mom grabbed the Drilovsky girl in her large hand. “Dinner… is… served… AAAAHHHH!”

The Raccoons barely had their eyes open, but it was clear as day. Panini was so tiny compared to her mouth, so she fit perfectly. Panini slid down Big Mom’s slobbery tongue and into the deep darkness that was her stomach. She closed her mouth as a lump traveled down her shadowy neck. Big Mom rubbed her stomach softly. “Aaaahhh… soooo gooood… I haven’t tasted anything more spicy in AAAAGEEEES! But THIS was only the first course of their punishment. We must now… BURN the state of Virginia to ASHES! All the screaming morsels, hearts beating out of fear… they will make EXCELLENT appetizers! Leave the crew to their waste… and let them feel the shame of it all.” The screen vanished.

“Ahhh, what a fine day this was.” Black John smoked a candle. “ACQUIRE the Sugary Wonders and let us go.”

“Laaa la la, humans squished, laaa la la, sad sad sad.” sang the Big Ma’am.

Stewie shot Chris and Sheila with a dart gun, making them sleepy. Soon, the 11 kids fell to sleep completely, helpless as the pirates raided their ship.

Candied Island

Big Mom relaxed on her throne while the dinner settled in her stomach, her mouth still drooling with acid. She looked up when Augustus entered the chamber. “Black John and the others have returned have successfully acquired the Sugary Wonders from the Raccoons. They now aim to get the Licorice Stalks, which should be full grown by now.”

“Nyaaaaa. After soooo many long yeeeears. My ancestors’ birthday cake… the cake only a god could produce… shall once again, be reunited with my taste buds!”

“But what about what you promised me?” Augustus asked. “You said there was something greater than Candied Island OR the cake. You said you would bring us… to the promised land. And that’s where we would never have to worry about our virus!”

“And I will, Augustus…” Big Mom finally stood and stomped forward. In the light, she was a tremendous woman with a big nose to go with her almost perfectly round face. She had pink puffy hair that went to her elbows, wore a pink dress with dark-pink polka-dots, and black high-heels on her big feet. But whether shadowed or not, her bloodshot eyes, chunky white teeth, and plump body were very noticeable. “But first… we must teach the Raccoons a lesson. We will send the Demon Sweets and BURN Virginia to ashes. And if they manage to avoid incineration… well… they won’t for long.”

Big Mom stomped into a lower chamber, pitch-black and roaring with creatures who were down in a deep, vast dungeon. “CHIIIILDREEEEN! Your wait is no more! The SWEET to end all sweets will soon be forged in my bakery! And YOU will have the first dish: a region which has broken their agreement with me! DESTROY Virginia and let their crumbling be a lesson to all others!”

“NYAAAAAYYYY!” The monsters roared with excitement; venomous Licorice Snakes, Hamhurters, and Kill-Kats.

“I am glad to finally take you all to the promised land… The only sweet superior to Candied Island, OR EVEN the luscious cake. As of this moment…” Her bloodshot eyes shook with ravenousness, “PROJECT: CANDIED PLANET IS NOW IN MOTION!”

Later

“Careful with those Licorice Stalks!” Augustus ordered as Nickel Joe’s henchmen hauled in the long stalks. “I’m not becoming the dead man who breaks them.”

Sir Knightly sheepishly walked in with the Rainbow Lolli. “Eh… Señor Augustus-senpai? I uh brokee de… lolli.”

Augustus noticed the slight crack. “Mmmm… well, hopefully that’s not too fatal. Is that all of the Wonders?”

Fat Jack had the Blurpleberry Supreme, Maggie dragged the refrigerator containing the Fourth Flavor (whoa, she was strong), Black John still had the Easter Bunny, Stewie brought the bag of caramels, and Rallo struggled to carry the Crystal Marshmallow above him. “Nnnnn-g-g! Who the hell puts a damn marshmallow inside a crystal?!”

“You have to hatch it by shining sunlight.” Augustus said. “But it’s extremely dangerous. The minute the crystal breaks, the marshmallow sends all the light back… and blinds anyone who looks.”

“HUH??” The pirates gasped.

“Yes, and that’s why it’s meant to be consecutive with the Rainbow Lolli. All of the blinding light will make the Lolli’s colors shine their greatest. Stewie, is the ultra-magnifier ready?”

“Right away, Mr. Won’t-take-his-jacket-off.” Stewie pressed a button, opening the room’s roof. A series of large magnifying glasses lined up above them, and the sun aligned perfectly. A beam of sunlight launched down and struck the hard crystal, making it alight and crack. The crystal exploded, and the pirates quickly looked away as the blinding light swallowed the whole room.

“THIS TOO MUCH TROUBLE for a maaaarshmalloooow!” Rallo cried.

“How long is this going to last?!” Lala screamed.

“About 2 days!” Augustus said, eyes closed tight, despite his sunglasses.

“I can’t put up with this for two daaaaays!” Rallo screamed.

“You won’t need to! Just hold up the Rainbow Lolli!”

“Oh!!” Sir Knightly raised the colorful lolli as the light already began to affect it. The Rainbow Lolli shined brighter than ever, and to their utter surprise, the light was gone. It had been sucked completely into the giant lollipop.

Augustus walked over and studied it. “There. It’s been imbued with pure light that’ll last for days, maybe weeks. It should be enough time to bake BOTH.”

“Oi, ‘ow long does it take to BAKE this cake, anyway?” Black John asked.

“Ironically, it takes 2 days as well, according to the part of the recipe I deciphered.” Lala replied. “It would’ve been a pain to wait for that marshmallow naturally.”

“Then it’s time to get started. Jack, you’ve gathered all the extra ingredients we needed, right?”

“Ahhhh.” Jack sucked his lollipop. “One thousand chicken eggs, 500 sacks of flour… Gonna be biggest cake ever, ahhhh.”

“Great.” Augustus smiled. “Did you hear all that, Mom?”

“Nyaaaaa! My room is FLOODING with my drooool! I can wait NO LONGER for this caaaake! We must BEGIN preparations now! While the Demon Sweets attack Virginia… I will be FEEDING like no tomorrow! And I must hurry fast… I am feeling a rumbling in my stomach. It must be something… I ate earlier. SOMEBODY bring me a thousand-gallon soda! I shall counter this rumbling WITH ANOTHER!”

Bermuda Triangle; Earth’s sub-world

The Sunny Day and the small group of Coated ships safely made it out of the cyclone and sailed forward. They assumed other Spinach Ships would try to sail through, but had no time to wait. “So this is Earth’s sub-world, huh?” Chris asked. It didn’t look much different from the sea they’re used to. The sky was still cloudy, water was still blue… there may’ve been a slight shift in atmosphere, but only the real sensitive ones would feel that.

“It’s generally ze same, but zere are many lands here zat stand out from ze normal Earth. Candied Island, ze origin land of ze many Candy Tribes, is vone of them. Zere is also Lilliput, home of tiny humans, and Brobdingnag, home of ze Giant humans.”

“Oh yeah, Aeincha is from Lilliput, isn’t she!” Haylee beamed.

“I recall your parents also fought a villain called Big Brother.” Heinie said. “He is a Giant from Brobdingnag.”

“Really?” Chris asked.

“Big Brother got lost at sea vone day and ended up in Virginia. He didn’t fit in vell vith normal children, and zey teased him, so he decided to become the big bully you see today. And even joined ze supervillains to further hurt smaller children.”

“Too bad he couldn’t take a few lessons from Mocha.” Dillon commented.

“SNIIIIIIFF.” No aroma smelled sweeter in Haylee’s nose. “I smell it… Cake… cookies… brownies… syrup… baked GOODS… It’s Candied Island!!”

“Hm hm hm!” Heinie giggled. “Candied Island’s is ze strongest odor in ze sub-world. Ze Lilliputians have ze strongest sense of smell, and zey’re kinda annoyed vhen Candied reaches.”

“At least that means it’s easy to find.” Aurora said. “I just wonder if Panini’s still hanging in there. Not digesting your food for 2 days is pretty uncommon.”

“But it is not impossible in Big Mom’s case. Vhen I vas a child, she ate 10 hamburgers and had zem in her belly for 2 veeks. Panini is a strong-willed girl from vhat I read from Ace’s letters about you guys. Panini is sure to last longer.”

“I thought Ace had no idea where you were, how did he send you letters?” Haylee asked.

“Oh, ve used messenger birds. Much more reliable, almost. Zough I suppose now’s the chance to tell me of any new adventures uphand.”

“Did he tell about when Mason was tiny-?” Carol asked giddily, until Mason silenced her.

“Well, we have one, but it’ll take way too much time to tell.” Haylee replied.

“Vell, I have something to look forward to. Oh, look! Ze clouds are turning purple!” Indeed, the gray clouds from minutes earlier were gone like that, and strange purple clouds filled the heavens. “…And zere it is!” Their faces lit with astonishment: the paradise they’ve only heard in stories lay in their view. A landscape that made them hungry just looking at it, a forest of candycanes and lollipops, houses made of gingerbread, rivers of chocolate and frosting with marshmallows (typical), and great gigantic, colorful cakes for mountains, with frosting melting from the top (posing as waterfalls), and enormous candles creating the purple clouds in the sky.

“Mmmm…” Sheila appeared glum.

“Vhat’s wrong, Sheila?” Heinie asked.

“Siiigh… a place like this is any adventurer’s dream. And now that we’re finally here… it just don’t feel as exciting. Finding that place they debated was real just kills your whole motivation.”

“Sigh, ja… ze reality is, zis place is easy to find, if you are lucky. Aside from being in a sub-dimension, it’s placed like any other land. Still, I used to live here vith Big Mam, so I couldn’t be as excited as anyvone else about zis place. But zat’s part of the reason I left. Vhen I still adventured vith Abby, vhen I vas trying to make her ze caramels’ victim, it vas ze time of my life. Knowing zere vas a much bigger vorld beside this little bit, knowing zere vere all sorts of exotic candies and places… zat vas the best part of trying to heal my own curse. And meeting Ace… made it so much better.”

“Yeh… adventuring’s always better with someone to do it with.” Sheila smiled.

“Ze point is, Sheila, even zough this place is a proven fact, it shouldn’t stop from finding ozer places to explore. A candy hunter solely could get you so little places. You must be more open, and search other things.”

“Yeh, Ah’m gettin’ sick of candy, anyway.”

“I know I am. Zat’s vhy I vould like zis candy-coated nightmare to be done.”

“Uh-oh! The sugarheads are already on us!” Aurora yelled, seeing Nutter Flutters (birds of chocolate and nuts) flying at them from the cake mountains, as well as a few candy ships sailing around the shore.

“You kids must defeat Big Mom.” Henrietta said, drawing her sword. “Her base is up on Whole Cake Mountain like you see zere. Her associates vill be vaiting, too, so get ready to fight them.”

“Oh, we’re more than ready!” Haylee smirked. “We’re ready to shower 2 days’ worth of training on them!”

“And this time, we’ll be keeping up with Sheila.” Harry assured.

“Good, ‘cause I ain’t waitin’ for ya!” Sheila yelled.

“Ve’ll protect the ship.” Heinie told them. “Just go ahead of us.”

“All aboard the Bubble Boat!” Jessie announced, he and Sandy already on said boat.

“OI’M FIRST!” Sheila hopped on excitedly. Once the others were onboard, Jessie whooshed his wand and flew the boat directly for the shore. “WOOHOO!”

“Sheila, wait!” Their captain already jumped off, forcing the others to join.

“Here we goooooo!” Jessie and Sandy’s cries echoed in the distance, far along the way to Whole Cake Mountain.

“Sheila, we coulda rode them the rest of the way!” Mason yelled. “Why did you jump off??”

“This may be our last adventure as Raccoon Pirates, and I want it to be old-natural! We may be here to stop Big Mom, but as pirates, we need to pillage and plunder! Which is a form of adventuring."

“Sheila… you’re absolutely right.” said Mason.

“Such a suck-up.” Haruka remarked.

“I would follow her, too.” a Hispanic voice said. They whipped around and saw Augustus standing at the base of Candycane Grove.

“You!” Haruka formed a slight purple cloud.

“Relax. I’m not here to fight.” Augustus said coolly, sucking on a lollipop. “I just wanted to congratulate you. You made it far for a couple of runts.”

“Well, you should know how far runts can run, Gus." Haylee told him.

“From you, Haylee, especially. That’s why, I wanted to ask you to join us. Even as Kids Next Door, I know that deep down, a candy paradise like this is one you could only imagine. That’s why when Big Mom invited me here, I couldn’t resist. I wasn’t getting anywhere with my own mom. Probably ‘cause she was afraid or something.”

“Is THAT why you left?” Haylee asked. “Wasn’t it for the Candy Virus?”

“Oh, I’m already aware that my mom lost the virus. It’s Big Mom I’m trying to help. After a while here, Candied Island gets boring, I will admit. But did you know there’s an even GREATER paradise out there? One far greater than Candied Island, and candy as far as the eye can see! Can you guess what it is? The one, true, Candied Planet!”

“A whole planet made of candy? That’s… I don’t know what to say!” Haylee beamed lovingly.

“I know! And that’s why I wanted you to join us. Once Big Mom has that cake, she can take us to the promised land! A sugar-coated paradise where only one of pure sugar could take us! That’s why I followed Big Mom. In a world where Candied Island exists, what universe wouldn’t have a Candied Planet!”

“Blimey… a whole planet like that… that’d open WAY more adventures.” Sheila smiled. “But at the same time… I don’t think that’s what Big Mum is about. She don’t ‘ave the same spirit, from what I see.”

“Well, I see it clearly! Generations of candy hunters run in our veins, forever seeking candies yet to be discovered! Big Mom has never let me down, so I know she won’t now!”

“Well, regardless of her intentions… she kind of ate our mate. So I have to kick her arse for that, eh?” Sheila fist-palmed.

“If that’s what you want, then I’ll have to stop you, too. I’ll go let the crewmen know you’re coming.” He performed a series of mighty leaps across the trees.

“Why are teens automatically more agile?” Harry asked.

“So are we.” Sheila said. “Let’s explore this place and kick Big Mum’s bum!”

“You hardly even kick, Sheila, it’s all punching.” Aurora remarked.

“It’s kicking with your fists. Let’s just go!”

Whole Cake Mountain Lair

Sheila and Haruka still raced after Jessie and Sandy, up a flight of stairs in an outside area, leading to what seemed like the highest point in the lair. “Oi, is Big Mum up here??” Sheila questioned.

“Where the hell do you think we’re leading you.” Jessie stated.

“Another trap.” Haruka said, disbelieved.

“She sounds really scary, though.” Sandy said with teary eyes. “I hope you guys know what you’re doing.”

“Please, you forget who you’re talking to.” Sheila smirked. “We’re Raccoon Pirates.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jessie eye-rolled.

They made it atop the stairs and charged into a hallway with no door, leading into a room with a round table, and huge double-doors across it. “Eeeee-YAAAAH!” The kids jumped back when Tamago shot down, quaking the floor with his mighty kick. They looked as a large turtle then spiraled into the room, slowing as the lion, Pekoms stood upright. “Bonjour, leetle ruffians, but zis is as far as you go, hohn-hohn!” declared Tamago.

“No one’s allowed to see Big Mom unless you’re expected for dinner, growlll, if so, I don’t see your toppings.” Pekoms stated.

Sheila and Haruka exchanged witty smirks. They locked hands as Sheila spun her free hand and ran forward, with Pekoms and Tamago readying their selves. The henchmen punched and kicked forward (respectively), but the girls leaped over them as Sheila hurled her Light Sphere at the double doors and blew them open. They landed behind the henchmen and kept running without another glance.

“Arrêtez!” Tamago raised his long leg to kick after them, but Sandy’s rope lashed over and caught it.

“Going somewhere?” The girl smirked.

“Je vois. So you vish to tangle with us, ohn? But I am a Longleg HUMAN!” announced Tamago. “And ve vill not stand for zis, Missy! NO SIRREE! Come, partenaire, let us show zese ruffians POURQUOI!”

The hall grew much darker as Sheila and Haruka went, with the former using a Light Fist to see the way. “There’s another door coming.” Haruka noticed.

“Heh!” Sheila grinned. “No problem!” And with another rapid spin, this door blew down as well.

They now stood in a small, pitch-black room with a giant throne. Augustus stood there, and behind him, the terrifying entity that controlled this island. Big Mom was a lot bigger in person, and much more gruesome, with ravenous bloodshot eyes that seemed dying with hunger, and massive teeth that drooled with the deepest lust. The way her drool dripped and burned on the ground, Big Mom could munch anything, and any amount. She could swallow their little bodies whole, and gobble this whole island in a few simple bites.

“Hey, Fatso, d’you see anyone named ‘Big Mum’ anywhere?” Sheila asked. Haruka face-palmed.

“Nyaaaaaa!” Her eyes shook.

“Sheila, that IS Big Mom.” Haruka stated.

“She IS?” Sheila ran forward, leapt onto the woman’s big nose, and hung upside-down by her feet as she faced into Big Mom’s mouth. “OIIIII! PANINIIIII! YOU STILL ALIVE IN THEEEERE?”

“NYAAAAA!” The overweight woman furiously shook and flung Sheila against the wall. “GRANDSON… get rid of the spare. This is a matter between CAPTAINS!”

“As you command, Your Overliness.” Augustus bowed. Haruka stood ready as the teen approached her with a cool smile. “Shall we adjourn?” With a gentle stomp of his foot, a trapdoor opened beneath and sent them falling.

Dungeon area

“Whoooaa!” Haruka slid down the shaft and landed on her bottom.

“Sorry to drop you in like that.” Augustus said coolly.

Haruka glared at the boy and stood up, readying her guard. “Why did you bring me down here?!”

“Well, I can’t have you getting in the way of Big Mom’s battle. I’m an expert at collecting info, and my resources say you’re a healer.”

“Not just a healer. I can make you very sick, too.”

“Yeah yeah, you poisonbenders make anyone wanna leave.” He pulled his lollipop out. “The truth is though, I was hoping to talk with Sheila, too. There’s something about your captain that moves me.”

“Her sense of adventure?”

“Yeah. That overwhelming desire to wanna see new things. Knowing the world’s just too small with your home alone. At this point, even the Eight Sugary Wonders aren’t that amazing, anymore. They’re way too common, so easily sought out. That’s why I just know there are so many rare candies out there. And the greatest candy of all, fabled Candy Planet!”

“Yeah, but once you get there, it’ll just become another bore.”

“It’s a lot bigger than an island. All around, new candies and lands I could never imagine! I know I may not be able to find them all, but the beauty of adventure is the journey! That’s what I always believed. That’s why I joined Big Mom, so I could find it! And once I was there, the rest of my life was set.”

“It all sounds too strange for me. Considering the increased involvement of GKND, a place like Candied Planet would’ve been discovered by now. Just what does Big Mom intend to do once she’s there?”

“Even with space travel technology, no one said it was that easy. If Big Mom said her power can take us there, I believe her. And she’ll relish in its luscious candies just like all of us.”

“I can’t imagine many people there have active teeth.” She shut her eyes in disbelief.

“I can’t picture your friend defeating Big Mom. But if she’s lucky, Big Mom will offer her the chance to come with us to Candied Planet. You oughta come, too.”

“As a future doctor, I’d advise against an entire realm of candy. And I’d ALSO advise Big Mom not to bite more than she can chew.” She smirked. “’Cause that’ll make it all the more painful when Sheila knocks her teeth out.”

“Hmph. You doctors were always lame. That’s why I like to ask a second opinion.” He smirked back.

“Opinion refuted!” She sent a cloud of gas at Augustus, but he swiftly dodged around, lit his fist with Armament Haki, and tried to punch her, but she jumped away as well.

“I wasn’t asking you, anyway. I prefer one from my friends.” Augustus snapped his fingers, summoning a swarm of Demon Sweets from the ground. Hamhurters, Kill-Kats, Licorice Snakes, all hungry for some Haru. “Big Mom gave me authority over the Demon Sweets. You can say we both have that kind of bond with our candy. Sweets: sick ‘er!” Haruka quickly shot gas and stepped away from the monstrous candies, but a sneaky snake was able to slither and gnash at her arm. “Ha ha! Something’s wrong with your cholesterol, Doctor. The Candy Virus has entered your bloodstream. Maybe now you’ll see what I’m talking about.”

’Course, Augustus clearly wasn’t aware of her training.

Haruka accompanied Dillon to his house, and requested his father to take her to Nightmare Land. Mr. York did so, and after her quick explanation, Darkrai got a syringe of Nightmare Toxin ready. He injected it into Haruka’s arm. In a flash, she was in a realm of darkness, and Lee Andrew emerged before her. “Heh. You wanna become a doctor. Can’t believe you bought my pity comfort.”

Mason then emerged next to her. “Yeah, I know. She couldn’t bend worth a crap stick, NOW she can’t even SWIM.”

“Shurororo!” Caesar Clown appeared out of a formation of gas. “Don’t listen to them, Haruka! You’ll make an EXCELLENT doctor!” He bore his evil, wicked smirk. “After all, you really take after your old uncle, I can’t IMAGINE the crazy genetic experiments you could conceive, shurororo!”

Nolan looked worriedly as Haruka shuddered on the floor, her eyes frantic. “Um, are you sure that’s safe? We should help her-”

“No.” Darkrai stopped him. “She chose this as her training. She must endure.”

Haruka shook as she tried to move, getting to her knees and stretching her arms forward. She was so afraid, but she tried to fight it. It took all her strength to ignore the fear and focus her energy. Soon, the toxin was consumed by her powerful antibodies. “Huff, huff…” She looked at Darkrai with a cool smile, “You call yourself the Nightmare King? Make with the Fear Toxin and give me a scare.”

It was no trouble making her antibodies eat the Candy Virus again. “That’s not gonna work on me.” She Poison Whipped the snake with a witty look.

“So, you’re immune to the Candy Virus. Impressive. But just how long will that immunity last.” More Demon Sweets tried to snack her, but Haruka blasted gas directly down to hover up and make the candies melt. She looked up surprised when Augustus jumped and tried to Armament punch her, but Haruka flipped and kicked off and over him before burping a Gas Bomb. It exploded on him, but Augustus withstood with his Armament and kicked off the wall to Haruka, throwing a number of punches which she dodged.

“You aren’t the only one with trust for your captain.” he said while trying to punch her. “Big Mom taught me Armament Haki herself, even though she doesn’t use it. It was meant for achieving our dreams, and that’s exactly what we’ll do!”

He backed Haruka against the wall, where Licorice Snakes came out from the wall and binded her arms to it. He easily punched her in the gut with Armament, making her cough a little blood. She recovered and released an odorous fart against the wall, the gas making the snakes faint before she sent it at Augustus, forcing him to hold his breath. He jumped back as Haruka chased and lashed a Poison Whip, and dodge-rolled behind to kick her away. A circle of Hamhurters emerged around her and attempted to eat, but Haruka encased much of the room in a toxic cloud.

Haruka was getting swarmed by Spideypops – spiders that were lollipops connected to 8 sticks – that bit her all around and induced her with Candy Virus. She emitted more gas to intoxicate the Demon Sweets so she could dispose of the virus with her Parasite power, but was thwarted when Augustus shot in the smoke and kicked her away. “You may have control over your cells, but I doubt they’ll work well when your body’s occupied.”

Haruka jumped around to avoid his Armament punches, creating more gas clouds to hold him and the Sweets back. She got far enough away to make the antibodies devour her virus, but got surprised when Licorice Snakes emerged from the ground to bite her legs. Nutter Flutters flapped down and carried her up by the arms, then Augustus jumped to kick her in the face with Armament, forcing her against the wall. She weakly fell down, but helped herself up and flipped upside-down, her dress slumping as she aimed her rear and blasted Gas Bombs at the German-Hispanic. He protected with Armament Body and ran at Haruka to throw more punches, but she dodged and swung double Poison Whips at him. He kept his cool look while defending with Armor Body, kicking Haruka away again. She tried to get up, but the snakes’ infection from earlier was starting to get to her.

Haruka furiously threw poison clouds around the room and fogged it, keeping the enemies at bay so she could destroy the Candy Virus in her system. She couldn’t get far before Augustus flew over and kicked her away. She flew into a clear spot where more Licorice Snakes and Kill-Kats crept over, so Haruka channeled enough gas to burp Gas Bombs at them. She was caught unprepared when Augustus wrapped his arm around her neck from behind. “Come oooon. Don’t resist the sugary goodness, Cous. Embrace it. Realize the rotting teeth.”

Haruka bit his hand, forcing him to release as she lashed a Poison Whip across his chest, ripping his vest. She jumped back when Augustus threw kicks and blasted a beam of gas at his face, but he still held his breath and dodged around to kick her away. She recovered as Hamhurters jumped out of her gas cloud from behind and started pinning her to the ground, jumping on her back. “Come on, even the Hamhurters want you to embrace! It’s in your blood, Haruka, your family heritage, accept it!”

“Yeah, my blood’s a little screwy right now, anyway, so at times like these, a healthy dose of medicine is always important.” She emitted more gas to push the Demon Sweets away and released another fog to escape into. She quickly pulled out a vial of purple potion and drank. She watched as the sugary parts of her skin slowly changed back. “Phew. It’s nice to have a backup in case I can’t heal in time.” She felt Augustus coming and ducked his kick, grabbing a bundle of the gas floating around and throwing it at him. He protected himself with Armament Haki and jumped at Haruka with a double-punch, missing as he punched the ground, and continuing to chase her around the fog.

Once again, the teen kicked the side of her head and knocked her against the wall. “Heh! You may be full of gas, but I’m just one slick candle you can’t blow up, baby! Any minute, I’ll have you infected- Nnn…” He slumped and held his left arm, noticing that his hand had turned sugary. “Wh-What the?…”

“Ah HA!! Joke’s on YOU, Sugar Boy!” laughed Haruka. “When I bit your hand earlier, I transferred some of the virus using my powers! NOW who’s embracing the sugary goodness?”

“Heh! You think this scares me? My belly was full of sweets from the start, I’ll accept this virus like my Siamese brother!” He ran and threw a forceful punch at Haruka, but missed as he hit the wall. “Owowow!” He gripped his sore knuckles. “What the heck?! My Armament Haki’s not working!”

“If I may offer a conjecture, I would say that being able to fight well results with a healthy diet, including the will to use Haki. It’s amazing you could already do so with your unhealthy body, but I think this virus just took the cake.”

“Gnnnn!” He raised his other fist and wanted to punch, but the virus kept him from channeling enough strength.

With no hesitation, Haruka furiously whipped him with Poison Whips and small gas puffs, forcing him backward. “I know you teen boys like girls, but I wouldn’t get a whiff of THESE panties!” And with that, she turned around, pulled her dress up, bent down to aim her rear, and ‘POOOOOOT’ unleashed an intoxicating ray of gas at his face.

“Cough cough, huaf, huff!” He slumped against the wall and desperately gasped for breath.

“And by the way, big kids shouldn’t be picking on little kids.” She put her hands on her hips with a scolding glare. “I’m telling your mommy.” But right then, the room started to quake to stomps, Haruka looking around.

The wall on her left was instantly blown down, and Big Mom stomped in with her lustful drool and furious eyes. Haruka jumped away in fright as the hag stared, then focused her sights on Augustus. “Augustuuuus! What happeeeeened?!”

“Nnn, she… kinda gassed me Mom, I… got the Candy Virus!”

“Nnnnnn…” She looked again at Haruka, who seemed to show no fear. “Neeeehh… a minor setback. Let’s GO, Augustus.”

The boy weakly stood and followed the woman as she stomped down the hall, and Haruka calmly kept far behind. “How is the cake? Is it finally ready?”

“Can’t you SMEEEELL it, Augustus? I feel the last ounces of icing going on. Oh, I cannot WAIT any longer!”

“Me neither! We can finally go on to Candied Planet, right?”

“CERTAINLY, Augustus! With the power I’ll get from such a delicacy, I’ll infect this whole planet in no time! The mountains will become ice cream, the soil and magma chocolate, and all that ANNOYING salt in the sea will become the tastiest sugar! Ho-o-o-o-o, it will be a true paradise!”

Haruka gasped quietly.

“W-Wait a second…” Augustus stuttered. “Infecting Earth? When was THAT part of the plan?”

“MAAAA MA MAAA! Don’t you get it now? There’s no such THING as Candied Planet! At least, not yet! But sometimes, Augustus, dreams can become a reality. When my virus spreads to the Earth’s core, we can create the endless utopia that is Candied Planet! We will live off of candy for years and years, as it’s in our bloodstream, while ALL THE OTHERS DIE of starvation! It will be a planet which WE rule, and NEVER worry about weakness or fatigue again!”

“But it’s not a new planet! It’s…It’s Earth! The very same Earth that’s, well… candified! What about everyone that lives there? THEY might not like it!”

“MAAA MA MAAA! OF COURSE they won’t like it! That is why WE will be the strongest in the world! ALL BEINGS will become WORMS that serve as our breakfast, lunch, and dinner!”

“That wasn’t what this was about! We wanted to find Candied Planet to explore it! See everything it had to offer! It was about the adventure, not RULING everyone!”

“Meeeehh! Are you really that dense, Augustus? If your whole life is set to nothing but adventures, YOU’LL amount to NOTHING! The meaning of life is CRUSHING all those before you, and marking yourself in history as someone great, or someone FEARED. It is about being strong… the very reason I taught you Armament Haki. And I will live forever, as the creator of Candy Planet, and the supreme being who dominated ALL mortals! Mah ma ma ma! And to continue such a legacy… I have invited you.”

“No way I could go along with something like that! Is THIS why my mom left you??”

“She left because she was AFRAID. Afraid of what our ancestry held. She was meant to be my legacy… but Davy Jones ruined it when he saved her from the virus… but you, my grandson, will continue it! With the virus now in your bloodstream, our family will live on! But first…” She took a great whiff through her big nose. “I smell something… a smellish smell… a smelly smell that smells… smellyyyyy. Huuuu!” Her pupils shrunk, and eyes trembled. “The caaaaake. I want the CAAAAKE!” She continued to stomp away.

Haruka strongly wanted to stop her, but knew she couldn’t take her on. …She instantly remembered something. “HEY, wait! Wasn’t SHEILA kicking your butt??”

“Sheilaaaaa?!” Big Mom turned. “Earlier today, I enjoyed a NICE, squished raccoon sandwich! Would THAT have any connection?”

“HUU!” Haruka gasped.

“MA MA MA! Your captain is DEAD! Face it, girl. Your faith was misplaced. A child that was already ruined by her failure as a mother, stood no chance against my strength. Soon, she will be completely settled in my stomach, and her delicious chi will belong to me. I can reign over Candied Planet as its very sun, with my immeasurable sugar! And maybe I will deliver her remains to her mother, to SEE how she’s FAILED.”

She continued forward, leaving Haruka struck speechless. Was Sheila really no more? As strong as she is, she could easily break out of Big Mom’s stomach if she were eaten. Unless… she ate her in pieces. The thought of Sheila’s severed limbs lying scattered and decaying in Big Mom’s stomach made Haruka shudder. She didn’t want to believe it was true. And just how would Mason feel if he knew this? She couldn’t bear to see her brother in that much pain. “N-No… Sheila! …YOU CAN’T LET IT END LIKE THIIIIIS!”

After a few more steps, Big Mom stopped. “Mah? Nnnnnee…” An aching feeling appeared in her stomach. “Nnnn-neeeehh!…” It rumbled crazily, with the one meal that was too much to chew. “BLEAAAAHHH!” A stream of chewed candies flew out of her mouth. Slowly standing from the center of the puddle, covered in the barf, was Sheila Frantic. Haruka became awash in joy; her faith was in the right place. And in Sheila’s arms was Panini Drilovsky’s drained body. She lightly set the Irish on the floor before turning to Big Mom with a smirk.

After shaking the barf off, Sheila bent forward with her left leg raised high above her. The hallway lit as her left foot completely covered with golden chi, a huge amount waiting to be unleashed. She kept still and let the energy build, then leapt to Big Mom’s face with the leg still raised. With the greatest force, she swung her foot and BLEW Charlotte away with a powerful beam of light. She flew straight back down the hall and SMASHED against the wall in the room where Augustus and Haru previously fought.

“MaaaaAAAA-” Big Mom got up quickly and coughed something huge from her mouth. It quaked and bounced on the floor, and they saw it was a huge tooth. Big Mom felt in her teeth and realized the huge gap that now existed.

Sheila approached her coolly, passing Haruka. “Oi, take care of them.” Haruka eagerly nodded and ran to aid Augustus and Panini. Sheila faced Big Mom again and clapped her knuckles together. Mom’s pupils shrunk when Sheila’s body lit with a golden light. “You were right, Mum… I was pretty stupid attackin’ you with brute force. It’s just like what me mum told me. And she’s the smart one. As a lightbender, I needed ta make better use of my element. And ta do that, I needed ta learn why I got this powuh ta begin with. Ta think it took me so long. It shoulda been obvious. Can ya guess what it is, Mum?”

“Nnnnnnn!” She only made Big Mom furious.

“Life may not be all about adventures… but it’s a hell of a lot better than eating CANDY all day! As dumb as I am, I’m glad to be the free little sheila that I am. I’m proud to follow in me mum’s footsteps. ’Cause although I may not do well in school… I always know one thing:” She smirked as her body seemed to shine brighter. “I’m no weatherman… but today’s forecast calls for a sunny day! With a strong chance of raccoons rainin’ ALL around the region of Big Mum! I’M A BLOOMIN’ LIGHTBENDER, BABY! AND I’LL BLOOM ALL OVER YOU!!”

After a battle that Augustus wasn't involved in

A strong wind blew the straw hat from the Sunny’s deck, all the way onto Sheila’s face. Sheila sparked to life, having just got the wildest idea. She pulled the straw hat off and showed her witty smirk. She swiftly dodged Big Mom’s acid and flew by her face. Sheila lit her sugary body solid gold, and blinked into thin air faster than Charlotte could see. The colossus searched around worriedly, wondering where the speedy raccoon has gone. But Sheila was actually flying directly to the sun, and felt its power quickly surging on. She stopped just a few light-years from the sun and absorbed its energy, sending that power directly to her fists.

“Maaaah?!” Big Mom looked up when a bright light pierced the purple clouds of Candied Island. She thought it was the sun, but in fact, it was Sheila Frantic, with Light Fists that greatly rivaled the size of Candied Island. Sheila grabbed the Sugar Queen and tossed her to the air, swinging her fists and bashing her around. She punched Big Mom even higher, probably on the edge of the stratosphere. With that, Sheila spun her tremendous fists, aimed at Big Mom, and blasted them at the speed of light.

“MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh… … . . . . .”

The Spinach Armada, Henrietta, Raccoon Pirates, and remaining Big Mom Pirates had no words. They questioned if what just happened was real… but if their eyes were correct, the gargantuan entity that was Sugar Queen, Charlotte Linlin, was flown all the way to the sun. “…Wow.” was all Mason could conceive.

Azultown Shore

With their adventures complete, the Sunny Day was on her way back home. Marine, Lucci, and all the parents stood at the docks, seeing the tiny figure that was Marine’s daughter seated happily on the keel. The ship soon docked, and Sheila excitedly jumped down to embrace her mom in a hug, as did the other children. Abby noticed Henrietta on the deck and smiled. “Good to see you again, Abigail.”

“You too, Heinie! Thanks for watchin’ ’em.”

“I didn’t watch them too much, for Marine’s sake.” She winked.

“What I was hopin’ for!” Marine winked.

“Vell… it’s time to get these two home.” She glanced at Sandy and Jessie. “But FIRST:” She forcefully tugged Augustus’s ear.

“Owowowow, hey what’re you doin’, Mom??”

“Ze minute ve get home, you are making up for ALL ze years you vent vithout brushing your teeth. I mean, ve are going to have to call Knightbrace to fix all zose cavities you have und MORE.”

“Ow, come on, Ma, cavities never hurt anyone, I can eat just fine- OW! Cut it out, Mom, quit treating me like a kid, I’m totally capable of taking care of my- ow, ah!” And it was like that their whole way home as they boarded her candy helicopter and flew back to Virginia.

“Oi, what happened with them?” Marine asked.

“Oi dunno, Mum.” shrugged Sheila.

…

Augustus struggled to break free of his straps, but Knightbrace had him pinned tight to his dentist chair. With many deadly drills and tools ready, Augustus cried in the greatest despair as Knightbrace began his work. Outside, Henrietta and Ace made up for all the years they went without making out.

Chapter Text

Fizzuras Home

Henrietta hummed merrily to herself. It was a crisp and clear morning, and she never missed the rising sun in the calm and comfort of her home more. After years of adventure, searching for her wayward son, they were home. On this new day, she once again looked forward to spending time with her family. “Augustus Liebeeeeee.” She joyously walked upstairs, cracking open the door to her son’s room. “Ihr Frühstück auf dem Tisch liegt. (Your breakfast is on the table.) Oh?“

Something wasn’t right. There was a room. There was candy, dozens of adventuring souvenirs. But the blanket was askew. There was no son. The window was wide open. Henrietta approached it. She looked down at their driveway. …Something else was missing. “GYAAAAAAAAHHHH!” The entire neighborhood was woken. “NOT AAAGAAAAAAAAIIIIIIN.”

Somewhere in the skies

He couldn’t stay in there for too long. True, it was a good place to store his memories, but he had to get back out again. And he was happy. Augustus von Marzipan y Fizzuras, having “borrowed” the two-man plane from his dad, wearing his mother’s explorer’s hat as the sun bounced off his sunglasses. The lollipop swished around in his mouth as the wind chilled his face. Adventure was out there, he would seek it.

In this jungle, miles away from the U.S., the water was brown and bubbly, flowing from distant ancient ruins. This was the site of his new adventure. He landed his plane some miles from it and climbed out. He pulled the barren lolli stick from his mouth and tossed it in the shrubs as he marched forward coolly. “Hurry up, you twerps.”

In the backseat of his plane, three infants tumbled out. A White boy with a football head, a Black kid with an afro, and a yellow-skinned girl with spiky hair. “Come awn, Man, why we always gotta ride the ASS seat?” Rallo complained. “Can’t we git somethin’ more appealing on the posterior?”

“Look, that was the most stylin’ plane we had, and we ain’t got all the stuff we used to since Candied Island got ransacked by the Government. We all that’s left, brats, and we gonna make the best of it.” Augustus planted a foot on a rock and pointed forth with gusto. “The Marzipan Pirates are off on their grand adventure!”

“Right, ‘cause a teenage boy takin’ a bunch of toddlers for adventure can’t be misinterpreted in any way.” Rallo remarked.

“Mw-mw.” Maggie agreed, her eyes still weary from her fight with Haylee.

“Chronologically frozen toddlers, you mean to say. ‘sides, you’re the only ones I could find. Even though I lost the Candy Virus, I still can’t use my Haki for awhile. Doesn’t mean I can’t give you kids some wedgies and spread embarrassing rumors around your towns.”

“NOT MAH peanut head, Man!” Rallo gripped his head panickingly.

“Yes, God knows your mother hasn’t got anything under those ‘melons’.” remarked Stewie.

“Alright you twerps, enough whining. The Everbubble Fizz is brewing somewhere in this Fizzle-Fizzle Ruins and we’re gonna be the first humans to taste it in centuries! Make use of those baby legs and MOVE!” Augustus unwrapped another lollipop and began slurping it. (Play “Chomp Ruins” from Paper Mario: Sticker Star.)

Stage B-1: Fizzle-Fizzle Ruins

Mission: Find the Everbubble Fizz.

Augustus drew his Candycane Cutlass and slashed the shrubs as he marched first. Naturally, some were M. Bushes that wanted to snack on his flesh, but still no problem for this experienced explorer. He made it to a small ruin and walked up stairs to its roof as Beverage Patrol soldiers flew down with soda jetpacks. “Grandpa decided to visit me, huh? I might have time for some fun.” He dodged their soda guns, whipped out his Everlasting Gobstopper, and chucked at the first Soda Man’s face. He fell back and hit the ground, then the Gobstopper bounced back to Augustus’s hand as he let their noses have it. The soldiers tried to recover, but Augustus rolled around and kicked them all unconscious. Afterwards, he took chocolate coins from their pockets, the only acceptable currency in Gumdrop Cove. The following area of ground was spikes, and large marshmallows called Bouncemallows were stationed on bushes around the road. Augustus threw Gobstoppers at their bases so the marshmallows rolled onto the spikes, and the teenager could bounce across.

He landed on a road through some ruins, where Beverage Soldiers appeared to be mining. Several holes were around, and soda geysers spouted out of them at certain intervals, so the men could collect them in their bottles. “Not before I do!” Augustus threw Gobstoppers at two of them, then punched three of them through the geysers. Four more locked their guns behind Augustus, but Rallo appeared behind them and blew them forward with soundwaves from his afro stereos. “Bringin’ back the boombox.”

Augustus approached a gentle river of soda, which had a few bubbles growing and popping, but it still just looked like brown sticky goop. “Bring it back right now. Try an’ shake this soda up, Rallo.” Augustus told him. The 5-year-old jumped, spun, and turned upside-down before burrowing into a soft patch of soil; apparently, he could do that. He sounded his boombox and shook the earth, effecting the river as well as the soda bubbled furiously. Augustus could run across the countless bubbles and rest on a platform. He collected a Bounce Gum, blew it to a reasonable size, and, since its bounces were too forceful for the soda bubbles, he bounced the small ruins whose tops stuck out above the soda.

He landed on a small, high ledge where he collected a Golden Wonka Bar, choosing to save that for later. He dropped back down and ran further across the bubbles, down a narrow part of the river that snaked in its direction. He didn’t expect Rallo to hold up for long, so he bypassed the floating Beverage Men and hurried. He arrived at a waterfall of soda where log-size soda cans rolled down horizontal-ways. Augustus hopped each can to make his way up, then could safely jump off on a safe shore before the quaking stopped. Augustus stood before a tall structure, made of yellowish-brown brick that was sealed tight. He looked up as Stewie flew down on a jetpack. “Well, I checked around, there is not one hat out here I like.”

“Yeh, I brought you ’cause you’re the techno geek. Got any bombs or something?”

“You are not one for conversation.” Stewie grabbed a time-bomb from his backpack and stuck it on the wall. They both backed away as it beeped, and blew an entrance open. The temple was wide and vacant inside, there were tiki statues designed like soda cans, and soda geysers popped out of various parts of the floor. Stewie took out a thin drill and twisted it into some soil, reading waves on a small monitor. “Soda’s really unstable here. If not for all these holes, it’d have no place else to go.”

Augustus walked around and observed several big holes in the ceiling. “If we poked holes under these ceiling holes and clogged enough of the geysers, can we force them to squirt us up there?”

“Well, I suppose we could force a bigger geeser to erect if we push enough in. It’s the perfect chance to try out my Super Gum.”

“Sounds like a—hold on, whaddid you say?”

“What? We can use my Super Gum to clog up these geesers.”

“Don’t you mean ‘geysers’?”

“Yes, these geesers, we can use Super Gum to block the geesers so a larger one will erect.”

“…I’m not gonna argue about this. Just gimme the gum.”

Confused on what Augustus was ‘arguing’ about, Stewie gave him the pink strip of gum. Augustus chewed and blew a large bubble to pop over one of the geesers—I mean, geysers, and Stewie used his device to project more gum so Augustus could clog them all. Stewie used his drill to poke a hole under a ceiling hole, and both stood over it as the ground shook, and a massive soda geyser sent them flying out and onto a platform above the roof. Augustus collected a Gold Wonka Bar, but the route forward was above another platform, ‘course now they knew which hole to blast out of. The other holes had nothing around them, though Augustus suspected Sodium Chuchu would appear after he broke through the roof afterward. They jumped back into the temple as Stewie sucked all of the popped gum into his Gum-Molder and refigured them into little strips that Augustus could chew and clog the holes again (they had to open a few holes so the large geyser would shrink, making it easier to plug).

Memorizing the correct ceiling hole, Stewie poked a hole underneath after the geysers were plugged, and the duo went flying onto the tall ruin. A path between numerous small temples stretched before them, but a grappling hook latched onto the edge of their foothold, and Maggie Simpson came flying up. “Hey, Mags. What’s up?” Augustus asked.

“Mw-mw-mw.”

“Taffy Ninjas up ahead?” Stewie repeated.

“Mw-mw.”

“I see. Allow me to help you. That pillar looks good.” Stewie held onto Maggie as the latter latched her hook onto a nearby totem that stretched from the ground below, much higher than Augustus’s route. He gave Maggie a pair of goggles to enhance her weakened vision, and the body-heat waves of the Taffy Ninjas were seen behind the buildings.

“I’m counting on you, twerps.” Augustus told the children. He ran fearlessly up the path, and Maggie saw the nimble ninjas making their move. When they were exposed to Maggie’s view, it took one shot each to take them out. “Turn left!” Stewie told Augustus through the communicator, so the teenager turned a left route while Maggie shot the ninjas chasing him from the right. “Up the stairs!” Augustus ran up a small flight of stairs, ninjas climbed onto roofs to lock on with crosshairs, but Maggie shot them down first. “Another right, then the temple’s on your left.” Augustus followed another right path, trusting Maggie to shoot the ninjas on the way, then he could safely rush to the temple up a left path.

The stone dial on the doorway had three turnable segments, with the center part a pull-tab, a mouth on the medial segment, and a hole on the outer-most. He turned the outer so the hole was at the bottom, revealing another mouth on the wall beneath, then had the medial mouth face the bottom before using the tab to pop it open, causing an interior device to force the lower mouth open. The stone gate creaked open, so Augustus could enter. Two fountains of orange soda brewed, their bubbly scent reaching his nose. “Hmm, it smells like Fizzy Lift Soda… but there’s something else about it. Oh well.” Augustus scooped a cup of the soda and drank.

His body became light as a feather as he glided down a nearby hole. The hole stretch hundreds of feet downward, but the Fizzy Lift Soda would provide a soft descent. Orange Chuchu whose color matched the soda were round as bubbles, floating around the cave, but still threatened to harm Augustus with their electrified bodies. Maneuvering with a lightweight body was difficult, but the Chu were fairly slow. He reached the hole’s bottom and floated into a doorway, entering a wide hall with orange sodafalls coming out of the walls, into an endless chasm below. Beverage Men used their sodapacks to fly and try to shoot the explorer down, but Augustus used aerial maneuverability to dodge, kick off some pillars for momentum, and throw his fist against the men to make them fall.

Bubbles floated up from the falls for Augustus to inhale and refuel his Fizzy Lift. He could safely burp it all out to land on a safe ledge, then go down stairs through a narrow passage. He arrived at the temple’s core, where a giant pool of orange soda bubbled like magma, continuously turning a huge stone churner with a round wooden platform around it. “Hmm… so this is the Everbubble Fizz. I see. The Ancient Peztecs thrived on soda, their land was built upon natural sodium channels. They constructed this complex structure to constantly churn the richest, most endless soda imaginable. …History’s wonders.”

“Quite an observation, mi nieto.” A bulky figure in soda-barrel armor crashed onto a platform across the room. “And the Peztecs will SERVE their purpose, when their luscious soda becomes my bestselling brand!”

“Angelo Fizz. Hola, Abuelo.”

“Impressive work finding your way through, but I was here, first!” Mr. Fizz declared. “My Beverage Patrol will harness every ounce of sodium from this ground! My machines will be unstoppable, and teenagers will become so energized, those rotten Kids Next Door will NEVER defeat them!”

“Didn’t I hear your Teen Ninjas disbanded from Evil Adult Industries and joined the Government?”

“That’s none of your business!”

“Whatever.” Augustus pulled out the dry lolli and dropped it. “Anyone who gets this far is free to taste the fizz, but no one’s sucking it all from the ground when I’m around. You got to the count o’ drei to take all your troops away from here.”

“Humph. And what will you do if I disobey?”

Augustus smirked. “Find out. Einer…” His eyes narrowed on Fizz. “Zwei…” The adult cocked his soda blasters. “Drei!”

Boss fight: Angelo Fizz

Fizz blasted Augustus’s platform with a soda stream, so the teenager leaped onto the turning platform around the churner. Mr. Fizz blasted more soda, and Soda Chuchus emerged from the resulted puddles, jumping onto Augustus with super sticky bodies. The teenager shook furiously to knock them all off, quickly dodging a soda blast. He jabbed his feet at the blobs’ faces before facing up at his grandpa, trying to keep toward his side on the turning platform to throw a Gobstopper at one of his cannons. He damaged and rendered it useless, so when Fizz locked the cannon on his right arm, Augustus tossed the Gobstopper again and- “Ah!” disabled it.

Mr. Fizz angrily leapt onto the churner with Augustus, raising his big barrel feet in attempt to crush him, but Augustus was swift to dodge. He looked behind as a Soda Chu emerged from a puddle, dodging when the blob jumped at him, then Fizz stomped on it and caused his foot to be stuck to the foothold. “Gah! Blast it!”

“Gracias!” Augustus dropped to the ground below and climbed a ladder onto one of the high platforms against the walls. “Hm, a switch… wonder what it does?” Augustus stepped on the device, and the churner doubled in speed.

“H-H-Hey! Stooop! Baaaaah-bl-gl-gl-gl-l-l-l-l-l-l-l.” Unable to shake himself off the sticky puddle, the increased speed shook the soda in Fizz’s barrels, channeled to his mouth and giving him Dizzy Fizzy, ‘cause that’s a thing. The supervillain broke free, activated soda jets from his leg barrels, and flew up to the ceiling, sticking on using soda from his arm and leg cannons. His head barrel opened to reveal a huge soda bottle cannon, blasting powerful bubbles that exploded with great range. Augustus jumped to the lower ground, his grandpa continuing to blast, but the boy soon realized bubbles had come up from the pool, thanks to the enhanced churning. They were very thick and bouncy, flying around the room, so he knew he could use them.

Augustus avoided his grandpa’s cannon and bounced up the bubbles, each popping upon his kicks. Mr. Fizz had to turn around so his cannon could face Augustus, but the explorer nimbly dodged every shot as he made it to the armored adult and punched him in the face. The adult lost his grip and fell to the floor, taking a good amount of self-control to stand back up and keep the bubbling soda from shattering his barrels. “Enough of this tomfoolery! I will battle you directly with Sorate (soe-rah-tay), powered by a small form of the greatest of sodas!” Angelo turned, revealing the Pepsi icon on the back of his body barrel, changing to a Purple Flurp icon. “Purple Flurp! Know the fearsome power of concealed belches!” The purple substance flowed through his pipes, to his mouth and his barrels, and Fizz, unable to release the gas in burps, was super-fizzed.

Augustus hurriedly dodged his fast punches, but an untimed dodge resulted in him flying to the wall, backfirst. Angelo boosted for another punch, Augustus dodged as the barrel burst through the wall, and orange soda poured in. Seeing no other option, Augustus kissed his mouth against the hole and slurped the soda; the Everbubble Fizz made his nervous system unstable beyond compare. Fast as light, Augustus dodged his grandfather’s next punch, jumped behind him, and socked the back of his head. Angelo whipped around with an arm outstretched, Augustus ducked the barrel and swung his foot against the man’s crotch; through the body barrel. Augustus ducked between his legs, kicked Fizz in the back, and he stumbled toward the pool.

Fizz stopped himself in time to catch breath. “Ha ha! You think the Everbubble makes you strong, but I have the main source! I will absorb its power and-”

Augustus released a burp that blew Fizz into the source. His barrels absorbed the Everbubble against his will, and the adult soon realized the power beyond control. “OOOOOOOOHHHH!” Fizz went flying like a rocket, through the ceiling and into the sunny sky. They always said shooting stars were giant bottles of soda, and now Augustus saw where they got that idea.

Augustus panted after the Everbubble wore off. “Silly Abuelo. Sodium is for the youth.” (End song.)

Stewie and Maggie came down from the hole using their jetpack and grappling hook respectively, while Rallo popped out of the ground. “By the way, I ate the Mole-Mole Fruit also, so I can do this. Nah, I’m just kidding!” the afro boy joked. “I’m just abiding by ancient cartoon laws.”

Stewie dipped one end of a pipe into the Everbubble and sucked it into two glass containers. “Two half-gallons. ‘t’s gonna be one hell of a drinking party. Nothing like a bar of man-children staying up past bedtime.”

“Makes worthwhile entertainment. Let’s get it back.”

The team made their way across the ruins and returned to their plane, the Ace Flyer. Augustus’s cellphone rang, so he answered. “Yello?”

“AUGUSTUS VON FIZZURAS, SIE WENIG BLAG! Get your arse home right now before I recite a passage from the Boy Who Loved to Suck His Thumbs! You know you’re a vanted criminal for working vith those Big Mams!”

“Chill, Ma, I brought my cellphone, didn’t I? I’m just getting some air, I’ll be home in awhile.”

“You come home NOW!! If I find out you’re at Gumdrop Cove, you’re gonna be swabbing the deck at our house until you’re-”

Augustus hung up, smiling coolly and starting the plane. His phone rang, so he answered, “DID YOU JUST HANG UP ON ME, YOU SHI-” Hung up again.

“You can never go home, Man, you realize that?” Rallo inquired.

“Eh, didn’t plan on it. Come on. To Gumdrop Cove we sail!” The explorers were off to the sky, their Jolly Roger – a skull designed like Augustus, with his explorer hat, grinning with a lollipop – blowing behind them.

Gumdrop Cove

The sun began setting by the time Augustus arrived, the stronghold where all Candy Pirates could come and be sugary in peace: Gumdrop Cove, a tremendous orange-brown island named for the fact it looked like a smashed piece of gum underneath a school desk. “Ahh, I love the smell of Hershey’s in the air.” Augustus smiled. “They never set ‘em up like these anymore. But ever since Captain Black Chocolate Bart coined this cove, it’s become a helluva-” Cannonfire roared, Augustus swerved his plane to avoid the giant jawbreakers. “Ho ho! Here’s the welcome wagon! We’re going doooown!”

“Whoooooooaaaa!” Rallo and Stewie cried as the plane dove for the island like a kamikaze, narrowly dodging all cannons. Augustus whipped around, breezing the sailors with wind caused by the force, and landed his plane along the shore between parked ships. Augustus exuberantly hopped out. “Hoist the Fruit Roll-Ups, mi amigos, your favorite captain has returned!”

“ARR-HAAAARRRRR (Gustaaaaaahhhh!)!” The pirates cheered for him.

“Oogooshtush, ye bootee-grubbuh.” A fat, short pirate with a blue coat, white pants, black boot and peg-leg, and a squishy green beard of jelly, and pink Jell-O gums, marched forward. “Where’ve ye got’n yer sorry soul this aour?”

“Gelatin Gerald.” Augustus greeted the captain of the Jelly Pirates with a cool smirk, dropping his dry lollipop. “Long time, no see. Still obsessed with that ‘Jelly Planet’ dream?”

“Dun’t mock what ya don’t know, boy. They say iss a drim, but I knows it: out thar in them stars be Jellatonia, a planet made o’ the sweet soliquid. Ar’ll round me up a space-pirate vessel, ‘n’ bring home to yer two galleons’ worth. Mark me wards, I be a half-Jellien, dropped here on this wreshed rock, and I’ll be the king o’ all o’ ‘em.”

“Hmm. Well, I’ll be waiting for that from beyond my grave.”

“Yer mouth not be weighed down with gelatin substancsh, ya make unwise use o’ it. Iffin’ yer really got ta right ta be usin’ such, a swear-off be what we need. Go ‘n, boy. Curse me with yer most jigglin’ of carses.”

Augustus started a new lolli. “You go first.”

“Yer end’s spelled now, boy. Arr-har-hrm: Ya are… a big-buckled, lolli-lickin’, self-cod.”

“Ooooooo!” moaned the watching pirates.

Augustus smirked. “You’re a… jiggle-boned, celery-brained, graso.”

“Aaaaaarrrr!”

“NOE cursin’ in yer native tongue, boiii! Arr-harm: you are… a puff-chested, wrinkle-faced, retirement home resident.”

“Oooh-HOOOOOOOH!”

“You’re a… dung-grubbing, urine-bathing, toilet-kisser.”

“OH NO HE DIDNNNNN’T.”

“Yar ee… forest-earred, flat-buttocked, oxygen-addict.”

“Ahhhh-haaaaaa.”

“You’re a… salt-cowering, heat-detesting, lard-lover.”

“Aye? Well yer… a fan-haired, bottle-sucking, self-wettin’, half-devoured, hind-kissing, piece of landlubber trash that nary his birthers wanted ta deal with.”

“OOOOOOOHH!!”

Augustus wasn’t phased. “You’re: a soulless, grammatically-inaccurate, culturally-ignorant, hopeless-dreaming, envious, pathetic ball of slop that has to feel glorious through means of swear-offs.”

“Arr… that’s below the belt. ARRR, ya win this time, ya wretched wretch of a… wretchen! Arrr, blubber blubber…” he cursed as he stomped away.

“’ey, Gustah.” An eyepatch pirate with a big brown beard around his big mouth held a wanted poster with his hook hand. He spoke with a hoarse throat. “Yoh’ still wanted foe yoe allianceship with the Big Moms. 500,000 Chocolate Dollars foor yor head.”

“Only because I’m too sexy. …Which actually hurts saying it out loud, seeing as Grandma was worth 46 million. But you all aren’t gonna tattle, are ya?”

“Big Mom made the seas hurrrrrtful to us. Almost bad as Davy Jones, or those crocodiles up in Mermaid Swamp. Blamey. If you have reason not to be ousted, let it sound.” His weak voice grew more high by the word.

“You know I never come here without reason. And lo and behold:” Stewie brought the half-gallons on his captain’s instruction, “Everbubble Fizz!”

“Yoo got that?” A skinny, dark-skinned pirate asked. “You trekked the Peztecs?”

“I trekked them.” Augustus said proudly. “Now where’s Bubbly Brandon? In the Soda Can again?”

“He’s up there, a’ight. Why ya businen’ with him, again. That soda be rightfully yers and those little wee ninnies. Keep that old coot with his average brew.”

“I would.” Augustus and the babies walked off. “But he has business with me.”

Sugary pirates with hairy bodies and miscellaneous amputations-replaced-with-candy tramped everywhere, up and down every stair and across hundreds of wooden walkways to every building dedicated to a specific brand of candy. The Smarties Corner for all them sea-sugar nerds, the Kisses Booth for swabbies in love, the Scarlet Licorice to view all them sexy lady pirates, the Jawbreakers-Plus-Other-Disposable-Parts for anyone wantin’ to get tough, or everyone’s favorite pub, the Soda Can, whose double, saloon-like doors Augustus pushed open. The floor was always sticky and brown, the sound of spurting soda from shooken-up cans was almost 24/7, and ‘twas truly the corner to raise one’s blood-sugar levels.

Augustus approached a skinny man in a red coat and an everlasting goatee and mustache of light-brown bubbles. He saw the boy coming and plopped down the pitcher of soda. “OOOOOhhh Augustus. You’ve actually gone and did it.”

“Aye-aye, Brandon.” Augustus placed the half-gallons of Everbubble on the table. “The most nerve-shaking soda out there. Even the stuff at the Coffee Drilling Rig doesn’t compare.”

“Hoh-hoh. Too great a soda to just guzzle down in one gulp. I’ll just take…”

Augustus clamped his hand over a half-gallon and pulled it over. “The Marzipans need their share of the sodium, too. My grandpa’s in the Soda Control Board.”

“You’re seeking to bedevil your blood-sugar. That sodium was too powerful for the Peztecs, YOUR bones will never hold right.”

Augustus cocked an eye over a sunglass, showing Brandon its sky-blue color as he tipped the glass to his mouth. “This soda needs to talk to every lady these lips’ve been in contact with. Then they’ll know, it’s impossible not to settle down. …” He was inches from slurping it.

“Settle down, boy! You’re an air-lubber I’m fond of, I don’t want the worst to happen to ya.”

“Then gimme the best.” He plopped the soda down again. “You said you knew a guy where I can get the best-quality Corn-Clamber Boots. I’m heading up Buttermilk Building and no other material can stand its slipperiness. So choke up or I’ll drink you dry.”

“Okay, okay. A fellow of mine up in Mountain of Flavors, Greenland, makes the best hiking gear. His name’s Ricardo, but please, don’t go up there, lad. I heard that…that man’s goons have been lurking up there. The most terrifying candy hunter who’s not even a pirate, but he’s a demon among them. Lord Licorice.”

“Pfft, that old fart? Scare me with the Boogeyman.”

“I’m serious, Augustus. The most generous thing Licorice ever did was let Hasbro use his likeness in that crappy board game. Little twerps like you are getting the wrong idea because of it, Lord Licorice is a monster. He seeks rare candy just to mock it, or muck it. He kills any soul who takes delight in any sweet but his own. He’s-”

“Black John Licorice’s younger brother, he already told me this stuff. And if I could stand his company, Lord Tyrone Joshua Licorice doesn’t scare me one bit.”

Brandon sighed and shook his head. “What do you want me to do, Son. Send a letter to my man on Flavor Mountain to ready a pair to send ya to your death? My immortal soul is too precious to risk.”

“Your soul isn’t the one being risked. But mine will hurt unless I climb Buttermilk Building and taste its everlasting sanctuary. And then I’ll… I might finally have a good ingredient…”

“Yes, you will have a perfect ingredient… to your death. Very well, I’ll send Ricardo the message you’re coming. But I’m not attending your funeral.”

“Man, you’re so negative. If I come back alive, pep up a little.”

“Don’t get agro at me because you have no cheerleaders.”

Augustus left the bar and trekked down wooden stairs to a lower part of town. “Come awn, man, don’t make us go up against Lord Licorice!” Rallo cried frantically. “I played Candy Land, that guy is messed up! Kidnappin’ King Kandy, ruining Gramma Nutt’s garden, and what’s with forcing little kids to eat licorice? Plus, whaddyou think happened to Plumpy, the last of the Plumpa Trolls? He killed him, that’s what! That’s genocide! I don’t wanna have ta deal with that!”

“Besides, we have a plane, why the hell do we need climbing boots?” Stewie asked.

“Because even the air around Buttermilk is strange. The cream evaporates into little particles that seep inside of engines and makes everything slip apart. Too risky. And we couldn’t even land anywhere that isn’t slippery.”

“If Ah get cream all up in mah afro, you’re paying for my barber, Chocolate Coin Boy.” Rallo frumped.

“Mw-mw.”

“See, Mags knows what I’m gettin’ at.”

“The sun’s going down… We’ll rent us a room at the Cup of Cocoa and get rest. It’s fair to worn you, you kids might be sharing a bed.”

“Employ this one at Child Services.” Stewie remarked.

“Speaking of which, though…” Augustus led the children back to the Ace Flyer, pulling wrapped blankets out of the trunk. “I need my crew at its best, so it’s time for you to eat.” He unwrapped the blankets to reveal boxes of fruit and sandwiches. “Dinner is served.”

“Why the healthy provisions all of a sudden?” Rallo asked. “They’s candy in these fruit?”

“No, it’s honest-to-good food. I’d chow on candy ‘til bedtime, but it’s no good for toddlers, and as your captain, I’m basically your babysitter. Especially since you’re unaging brats, so eat up.”

Stewie took a sandwich, Rallo took a banana, and Maggie had apple juice. “Well, not the worst Child Services.” the former remarked again. “You should eat, too.”

“Nah.” Augustus sat on the plane, dropping his dried lolli. “I survived this long in Big Mom’s crew; and a forceful cleaning from Knightbrace, I don’t need this stuff.”

“Mw-mw.” The teenager looked down at Maggie. Her hazel eyes were wide and pretty as she held an orange to Augustus.

He smiled warmly. “That means a lot, Mags, but I’ll be-”

Cock. “Mw-mw.” Augustus looked nervously. Maggie narrowed her eyes as she aimed a gun at his head. Augustus slowly reached down, took the orange, and munched the first bite, chewing slowly. He swallowed through the saliva clogged in his throat, due to his nervousness, and munched the next bite.

Greenland; Mountain of Flavors

The morning was crisp as the sun peeped over the horizon. The ocean air smelled especially fresh at this time of day, especially when it mixed with the cold scent of ice cream. Augustus parked his plane on the ocean, climbing a rugged cliffside as Maggie rode his shoulders. He and the Baby Trio followed the route above, finding a wooden house within an enclosing. Augustus knocked, and a pair of eyes looked through the looking hole. “Tax collector?”

Augustus lowered his shades, smirking. “Adventurer.”

“Oh!” The man opened the door. He was actually a brown bear with a long snout, white T-shirt, and reddish-brown trousers. “You must be Augustus! Brandon told me you’d be coming, yup.”

“Messenger bird travels fast.” Augustus noted, walking in.

“No actually, we have cellphones.” Ricardo held up the small device. “You say you lookin’ for Corn-Clamber Boots for that-there Buttermilk Buildin’?”

“Uh-huh. And it looks to me you have a surplus.” Augustus looked around. “One Size-9, two Size-1’s, and a Size-2.”

“Ohh, these children… Brandon warned ya about Lord Licorice, yup?”

“Did he warn you what I thought about Lord Licorice, yup?” Augustus tossed his lollipop in the trash.

“He warned me you had too many sodas, yup. Augustus, if you’re really going to put the young’uns in danger, I need to know, what’s so special about Buttermilk Building? Surely it’s more than the sake of an adventure.”

Augustus began another, yellow lolli. His eyes still behind his shades, he looked up in thought.

“Mi abuela said, when God created the world, He made all kinds of candies that, when baked together, make the most delicious cake in the world!” The diseased, little Spanish boy spoke with wonder and delight to his teenage visitor.

“You must be thinking of the Eight Sugary Wonders.” Augustus spoke coolly. “The Eight Firstborn created those, and they create a cake that-”

“No no no, is not like those! These candies were around before that! And the cake that they create, its taste lasts with you to Heaven!”

“A cake more delicious than the Eight Sugary Wonders?” The explorer was highly intrigued, beginning another lollipop. “I might have to see this for myself.”

The boy coughed. “I want to eat it, too. Señor Augustus… can you please take me to find it?”

Augustus frowned. “I dunno if you’re in the right… shape to travel.”

“Then please bake it and bring to me! I want to know, kah, cough, ka…”

“…” Augustus didn’t want to disappoint him… nor did he want to lie. “How long do you even have?”

“The doctors say seven months. I don’t think it can save me, but it sounds so… delicioso.”

The faint light twinkled off Augustus’s shades. He smiled. “Tell me what these candies are. If I don’t make it… I’ll still bring the cake to you.”

That was back in November. Now it was May. Augustus wanted to find the Lost Candies, but was more in debt with the Big Mom Pirates in finding Candied Planet. He thought that if they could find Candied Planet, he could take Luviro with them, show him these Candies and more. But Augustus hadn’t gotten over how he was deceived by Big Mom. He wasted time hunting the Sugary Wonders, when he could have searched for the Lost Candies for a better purpose.

Truthfully, Augustus suspected Luviro to have passed by now, so any reason to find the Lost Candies was for the adventure. But in theory, he could have found the Candies if he hadn’t been more interested in “Candied Planet.” He was selfish, he admitted, and he regretted it. “You’re right, maybe it is.” He told Ricardo. “But you don’t need to know that. How many Chocolate Coins you want for these, 30?”

“Thirty-four.” Ricardo said. Augustus tossed him the coins, buying the four Corn-Clamber Boots for them. They looked like normal boots, but they had very sharp sweet corns on their soles. “Jus’ don’t tell Lord Licorice where ya got them.”

As the Marzipans were leaving the shop, somebody watched them from the sky. It was a man flying like a kite, his body flat and bendable as paper. His hi-tech goggles zoomed on the group.

Unknown fortress

The Marzipans’ image displayed on a screen. A ball-shaped creature with spider legs, a single eye, and a mouth of sharp teeth skittered off to a throne room. He spoke with a wide smile, “Lord Licorice! The Teavee saw something! He saw people buy Corn-Clamber Boots! What if they go to Buttermilk??”

Lord Licorice was interrupted polishing his shiny, green candy gun. He smirked evilly. “Is that so? Well… If they goes up there, just have Veruca deal with them.” He locked his gun on a Red Chuchu that was mindlessly crawling around the floor. “I’ll be there momentarily.” He shot the Chuchu, scattering his remains. “Tell Smithers to clean that up.” he said as he walked away.

Border of South and North Dakota

Anyone who is familiar with the tale of Black John Licorice will hear that the Licorice Stalks grow in South Dakota. That was a lie that was told to make the song rhyme. That’s not to say nothing can be found between the two states. The Marzipan Pirates landed a few miles off, then walked the rest of the way. The sky became cloudy with a creamy white mist. The very atmosphere made them feel kind of moist. Augustus took a great whiff, smiling at the mountain beyond his sunglasses. “Buttermilk Building.”

The mountain of the richest, moistest cream towered high. Augustus could already feel its rich, melty taste. “At its very peak sits the Sun Cream. Which, out of context, sounds like suntan lotion, but it’s actually a cream so soft, slippery and warm, it melts all the troubles in your heart.”

“So it’s like doin’ it with a lady wearing sunscreen on the beach.” Rallo said.

“Yes, but going mountain hiking in summer won’t give me any swimsuits.” Stewie complained as they put on their Corn-Clamber Boots. “Perhaps the weapon we’ll acquire here will be some kind of Cool—”

“Stewie, Ah SWEAR TO GOD if you say that!” Rallo threatened.

“…Blasting gun.” Stewie finished.

“Good.”

“Mw-mw.” Maggie took out her pacifier, smiled at them, and said, “Cool Hwhip!”

“GOD DAMMIT!” Rallo cursed. (Play “Butter Building” from Smash Bros. Brawl!)

Stage B-4: Buttermilk Building

Mission: Get the Sun Cream!

With the Clamber Boots strapped tight to their feet, Augustus marched up the slippery white slope with the Baby Trio behind. Giant creamballs rolled down at them from the cliff above, so the four were careful to maneuver around, which was more difficult on this ground. The cliffside was exposed from the cream, and was made of solid, rugged sherbet. “We can walk up this!” Augustus told them, planting the sweet corn spikes against the ice cream. His boots stuck perfectly to the wall, so the adventurer began to stomp up. Creamballs continued to drop from the heavens, the Marzipans stepped left or right to let them pass before continuing. Cream Parabuzzies—Buzzy Beetles with white shells and wings, flapped back-and-forth over parts of the path, forcing the crew to simply wait or walk around. Maggie chose to go collect a Golden Wonka Bar between mirrored Beetles, then the four pirates made it to the ledge up top.

Creamballs still came at them from the left, so the four had to step up strips of sherbet on the wall, high enough so the balls could pass under. Eventually, the crew made it to a small open field above a cliff, where White Cream Chuchu emerged from the moist ground. Augustus used his Candycane Cutlass to slice the blobs in front, and stamped his Corn-Clamber Boots against the ones behind, and Maggie took delight in shooting them in the eyes, viewing the creepy result. Augustus retrieved a Bounce Gum from one of the Chu, looking up the series of pillars that led higher up a peak. “Mags, you’re with me.” he decided. “You brats take that path.” He pointed at a road around the left of the mountainside, which Stewie and Rallo followed.

He put Maggie over his shoulders, then puffed his Bounce Gum to size before making the exciting hops up the slippery pillars. It put a smile on his face when Maggie waved her arms and cheered with her little baby voice. He was wary of candy corn spikes sticking in and out of certain platforms, before the gum popped on the targeted peak. Creamy Goombas appeared from cream mounds, white Goombas with red shoes, and if the humans got headbonked, their bodies would become more slippery for a few seconds. Augustus dodged their attacks as he easily stomped the creatures. With that, they faced another, more distant peak, in which Maggie fired her grappling hook to latch a pillar that stood on it. She detached the rope and tied to a pillar on this peak, letting Augustus climb across. The opposite end was steadily losing grip on the slippery pillar, but just before it fell, Augustus leaped the rest of the way.

The explorer followed a path between parallel trench walls, with a sherbet path leading up along the left. His body shifted sideways as he started the journey up, and Snapdragons popped out of their holes above or below the path in attempt to eat him. This path ended, and Augustus looked right (upward in his vision) to find a sherbet path around a rock kept suspended by two pillars. Augustus jumped and quickly flipped 180 degrees in midair to stick his Corn-Clambers into the sherbet. The path spiraled under the rock and to its right side, letting Augustus kick off onto a path along the right trench wall. After avoiding the Creamy Parabuzzies flapping over the path, Augustus made it to the flat ground above.

Soldiers in black armor and wielding Candycane Cutlasses ambushed him—the Licorice guards known as Blackberries. Seems he was here, after all. Augustus threw his Gobstopper to bounce around their faces, then caught his projectile before running to clash his sword with one. Another guard ran up from the side and swung his blade, Augustus ducked to trick the guard into striking his friend, then the teen jumped up to punch the second one in the face. Augustus threw his Gobstopper around the other three guards, attacking them with his cutlass afterward, but the previous two recovered, forcing Augustus to defend himself before dodging away. “You guys would be easier to beat if I had my Haki. Ugh, I don’t need this.” Augustus abandoned the fight and dove to his belly, sliding down a slippery cream slope over the peak’s edge. He gained speed quickly, then up a ramp, over a gap, before landing on a new field.

Along the left wall was a slope with very small sherbet patches, perfect for the Deadly Babies’ feet, so he couldn’t journey up and get the Wonka Bar on his own. Augustus ignored the Chuchu in the field and entered a cave with a ceiling of spiky candy corn. There was a hole in the ground, and the next path was through a tunnel on a high perch. Augustus carefully stepped to and peeked into the hole. A familiar football-shaped head and round, fluffy black afro overlooked a pit of melted cream. “Stewie, Rallo! Up here!”

The babies looked up in surprise. Stewie spoke in his communicator, “Augustus, there you are. Is Maggie up there with you?”

“She’ll catch up.” Augustus replied in his own communicator. “Listen, Tubbs, do that underground boombox thing.”

“Only if you promise to find a better way to classify ‘that thing.’” Rallo jumped and burrowed underground, using his boombox to shake the ground and cause a geyser to emerge from the pool of cream. Augustus jumped on as it rose up, then jumped into the tunnel before it smashed him against the spikes. The tunnel led to a more expansive cave with many holes and platforms. Augustus threw his Gobstopper to take down the Cream Keese, and Rallo’s boombox caused geysers to emerge from all the holes, albeit at different heights. When Augustus looked down into their chamber, it seemed the babies’ accessible path was lower than the ground where the geysers were, so Rallo couldn’t get closer for a better quake. Augustus walked around to study the room, seeing a Blackberry guard with a shield standing on a platform, in which his Gobstopper couldn’t penetrate him.

Augustus got onto a short platform that a geyser could propel him to, with another platform blocking the Blackberry from his vision. Regardless, he knew he was there, and a flat-bottomed stalactite hung above that middle platform. Augustus chucked his Gobstopper at the ‘tite’s bottom, it bounced off and hit the Blackberry in his suspecting head. Augustus rode another geyser onto a different platform, then quickly stomped across a sherbet path along the right wall. The path ended beside the Blackberry’s pillar, so Augustus jumped off to deal a knock-out punch against the soldier. A large block sat on this platform, which Augustus could push into the hole beneath the platform. In the room below, it didn’t land in a cream pool, but rather a slide that slid the block down to Stewie and Rallo’s area.

The two used the block as a boost, then Stewie lifted Rallo onto the higher ground, so he could get closer to the cream pools and create higher geysers. Augustus could get onto the highest platform and eat a Fudgepuffsicle. He inflated roundly and drifted upward through a tunnel on the ceiling. Aside from the Spiny Creamy Buzzies floating around, Augustus avoided the big droplets of cream that would weigh him down, and cause him to burp out his Fudgepuff before he made it. Regardless, he avoided the obstacles and burped to normal width at the top of this peak. From here, he overlooked an extremely long, vertical cream wall, which would “U” turn up another, parallel wall. A crystal patch of Rock Candy grew close by. Augustus took a piece and encased himself in the blackish-purple sphere. He smirked with excitement.

At full speed, Augustus rolled down the wall in the Rock Candy, past the “U” bend in a second, and raced several meters up the opposite wall with the momentum. Not too far, of course, but he could thankfully land the Rock Candy on a small path leading further up the mountain. He was surprised the crystal could remain stable in the slipperiness, but he still had to keep balance. He squished Cream Goombas that were in his way, then arrived at another, though more narrow U-slope. He kept his sphere perfectly aligned, rolled down, and launched high enough to land in another U-slope, then once in the air, he had to shift his weight backward to land in the one behind, then that U-slope landed him on the next path.

This road was smaller in width and had creamballs rolling down, requiring Augustus to take cover in the enclosings that were as round as his Rock Candy. Rolling up the slope was a pain for that reason, but worth it in the end when he made it. Augustus stopped his crystal against a stalagmite, then stomped his clamber boot against to break himself free. From here, Augustus marched up the sherbet wall, his vision soon blocked by the creamy clouds. He could already smell it: the Sun Cream, loveliest of all toppings. Beyond these clouds, the golden sun in the blue sky, blessing the cream with eternal warmth. …Clearly the scent was in his head. (End song.)

Because when Augustus made it above the clouds and stepped on right-side-up ground, the scent of rotting cream hit his nose. Augustus crossed the bridge that led to the pool of Sun Cream. It was a dry, brownish color, and smelled as though it had been left sitting out for ages. The lollipop fell from his mouth when Augustus gaped. He bent down for a closer look. The Sun Cream was almost completely decayed. No way this was unnatural. “Why…Why would anyone… do this?”

“Simple, really.” Augustus stood up with a start. A woman with a horrid smell, filthy and messy brown hair, flies buzzing around her, and wearing a brown leather suit that hasn’t been washed for days, stepped out from behind a decayed pillar. “Lord Licorice wanted it this way.”

Augustus clutched his Gobstopper, ready to break some teeth. “Who are you?”

“Lord Licorice’s Number Three: Veruca Salt. I ruined the Sun Cream, because he wanted me to. He wanted me to because I’m spoiled rotten. Anything I touch becomes spoiled and rotten. Like the air.” Augustus backed away when the stench around her grew stronger.

“Euh. Are you a poisonbender?”

“Hm hm, no.” She smiled wryly and shook her head. “I ate the Rot-Rot Fruit. I wanted it, because it was rotten, like me.”

“A Devil Fruit? Did you steal those from the Big Mom Pirates?!”

“I don’t care where Lord Licorice got them. I wanted one. He doesn’t want people getting in his way. He wants me…” Veruca slowly approached him with a menacing smile, “to make you ro-”

Augustus hurled the Gobstopper at her face, knocking her down before it bounced back. He stared at the untainted, shiny red sphere. The sunlight bounced off it, and to his sunglasses. “Unlucky for you, Gobstoppers never go sour. Then again…” He looked at the Sun Cream pool. “Neither should this’ve.”

Veruca got up and growled spitefully at him. They both looked up at the sound of some whirring. Veruca grinned madly at the small aircraft with cinnamon roll propellers. “Ah-ha. I wanted her to show up. I wanted us to capture you together.”

“How is that thing flying, the air should be too creamy.” Augustus stated.

“Our Cinnamon Ships are protected by their sugary glitter. They’re kept sticky and dry. Not like you.” Veruca channeled her power and spread the awful smell around the air. Augustus clamped his nose and mouth shut, trying to back away from the spoiled woman. The Cinnamon Ship hovered over him, and a very long and rubber-like woman, with purple skin, hair, and jumpsuit, dropped down, grabbed Augustus’s shoulders, and wrapped her body around him like a rubber snake. “Meet Violet Beauregarde. She’s very flexible. She ate the Flex-Flex Fruit. We’re friends.”

“Best friends!” Violet grinned.

“Knock him out, Violet. I want Lord Licorice to see him blacker than blackberry.”

“Okay, Friend!” Violet stretched her head in front of his, and despite the boy’s struggling, his world went black with a headbash.

“Augustus?” Rallo yelled into his communicator. “’ey, Augustus, where are you? O Captain, my captain!”

“Those clouds shouldn’t be blocking our com links.” Stewie said, looking up the mountain he saw Augustus venture up. “Maggie, do you see anything?”

The girl zoomed her vision closer to the clouds, but they were much too thick to see through. However, she spotted brown, glittery dust raining from above a patch of clouds, steadily moving forward. “Mw-mw!”

“What is it?” Rallo asked, looking up as well.

“Perhaps we should return to the Ace Flyer.” Stewie said with concern. “Quick, let’s go!”

The Cinnamon Ship was flying to another such vessel, of incomprehensible size and cinnamon roll propellers that could hypnotize people. A shadowed figure stood in the control room window. Any person that saw this ship, and saw this figure, flying toward them, their hearts would chill like ice cream in the back of the freezer. Lord Tyrone Licorice.

Chapter Text

Sour Cinnamon (Play “Fellmuth Arena” from Spyro: Eternal Night.)

The sun singed Augustus’s body as he found himself in some sort of desert upon waking. After standing up, he flinched at the sight of the gigantic window, where Veruca Salt and her creepy grin; Violet Beauregard, and a lanky man with round sunglasses were staring at him. “You two? And… some other guy? Where am I?”

“You’re in my TV.” The paper-thin man responded. “I put you in there with my TV-TV Fruit powers. That’s what I am: Mike Teavee.”

While he couldn’t tell from outside, Augustus was stuck inside a small, old-timey TV, which used antennas and had a staticky screen. “Yes yes, it’s funny how all of you are named after your respective thing.” Augustus rolled his eyes. “Though I want to ask where Augustus Gloop is.”

“He wanted to get chocolate powers from the Chocolate Volcano.” Violet replied. “Didn’t work out.”

“Ah.” Augustus flexed his brows, figuring out the rest. “Well anyway, where’s Lord Tyrone?”

“Lord Licorice has already been to see you.” Veruca stated. “He wanted to make sure we caught you. We did. Now he’s going to meet his acquaintance. He wants us to bring you there, too.”

“You guys can’t say one thing that isn’t secretive, huh? I guess Willy Wonka did teach a few things. Unless you’ll tell me where we’re going?”

“You’ll find out.” Veruca grinned. “For now, just be a good boy and stay in there. Come, Violet. Let’s go eat cookies.”

“Of course, Friend.” Violet flipped out of the room while Veruca walked normally. Mike Teavee laid flat on the floor like a carpet.

Stewie Griffin piloted the Ace Flyer as they soared after the fleet of Cinnamon Ships under a sunset sky. “The tracking device I had placed on Augustus isn’t responding.” Stewie said. “It shut off in that left tower, so perhaps we’ll look there.”

“Ah dunno, man, what if Lord Licorice is on that thang?” Rallo asked worriedly. “Can’t we just wait and see where it’s going?”

“Don’t be such a Scooby, Rallo. I mean, their propellers are cinnamon rolls, I think we have the upper hand here.”

“You forget that we once worked for a company that also had candy-based technology.” Rallo said with disbelief.

“And we were utterly defeated. So let’s do this.”

Stage B-6: Sour Cinnamon

Mission: Escape the Sour Cinnamon!

Act 1

As the small plane flew closer to the Sour Cinnamon, PIE Fighters were sent to launch giant versions of said pastries at them. Stewie barrel-rolled and dodged the pies before blasting pool balls at one ship, while Maggie shot the other with a missile launcher. They kept this up with other PIE Fighters until a Cinnasaucer approached them, which looked like a smaller UFO aptly shaped like a cinnamon roll. It flew vertically and blocked their path, facing its hypnotic swirly top as it released a constant stream of cinnamon. The Baby Trio avoided the substance for the sake of not getting their engines clogged, and Maggie kept pelting it with missiles until it was down.

The Ace Flyer caught up with the Sour Cinnamon and was flying over the roof of the swirly-propeller ship. Turrets emerged from the roof and blasted colorful rock candies, possibly meant to mimic lasers. Stewie and Maggie kept shooting them, nearing closer to the left watchtower Stewie mentioned. “So how do ya wanna get in?” Rallo asked. “Park by and knock on their window?”

Two Cinnasaucers ambushed them on either side and swallowed their ship in cinnamon. Stewie struggled to see forward, his eyes squinted from the sticky powder, but the plane was now trembling from clogged engines. “No, it seems we’re doing like my father: drunken crash through the front door at 1am.”

Within seconds, the two-seated plane CRASHED through the tower’s window, and the babies flew out. “What the hell?!” Mike Teavee jumped to the air and on his feet, his body wobbling like paper.

“Twerps! You made it?!”

“Augustus?!” Rallo looked around for the source of the voice. “Where you at?? Are you a ghost? OH GOD, PLEASE DON’T HAUNT ME like President Lincoln now haunts Joseph!”

“I’m inside the TV, you idiots! He put me in here with a Devil Fruit power. Just destroy this TV or somethin’!”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Stewie said. “If it doesn’t work, you might end up lost among the airwaves until you end up on TeenNick. Maggie, Rallo, attack him!” He pointed at Mike.

“Good idea!” Rallo perked up. “If we knock him out, his power will wear off!” He blasted music notes at the paper-thin man while Maggie shot missiles. Mike Teavee withstood the notes, then he nimbly dodged the missiles.

“Iron Body and Paper Art.” Mike said, his top part bending like a cane. “Can’t hit me, can’t touch me. What, you thought a guy who’s skinnier than paper wouldn’t learn some kind of self-defense? Even an idiot coulda guessed that.”

“Could that idiot also have guessed Rallo and Maggie would distract you while I saved our idiot captain?” Mike turned his paper head left, gasping when he saw Stewie on the table beside the small TV.

“Who you calling an idiot, Stew?!” Augustus yelled.

“Don’t even THINK it!” Mike’s goggles turned into TV static as he shot a static beam at Stewie.

The baby whipped out a satellite gun and blasted a blue ray, which turned the static blue as it struck the TV. Augustus popped out of the gray screen like 3-D before plopping on the floor.

“A Metahuman Neutralizer.” Stewie smirked and held his weapon proudly. “Even an imbecile could have guessed I would have one.”

“Nice going, Brat.” Augustus grabbed Stewie under his left arm, then dodged over to grab Maggie and Rallo. “Later, TV!” Augustus ran for the broken window to jump out.

They landed on a walkway as Augustus nearly fell over the edge with the momentum, but he regained balance and set the babies down. “Man, why ain’t we beat that guy and get on the plane??” Rallo complained.

“I saw it clogged with cinnamon, and I wasn’t gonna waste time with that loser.” Augustus said. “We’ll just steal one of their ships.”

There was an open hatch on the tower’s side, puffing a Growth Gum. Augustus took a piece and used it to bounce down the mini cinnamon roll propellers, the Baby Trio following. They landed on a walkway, but before letting the gum pop, Augustus bounced to a cinnamon roll platform above its left, retrieving a Gold Wonka Bar. The Marzipans traveled along the path and encountered three Blackberry Guards. They shot guns with jawbreaker bullets, but Augustus countered by chucking his Gobstopper to hit their guns away.

“Maggie, you know where to shoot!” Augustus grabbed the spike-haired baby and threw her over his shoulders, running from the Blackberries when they drew swords. Maggie used her sniper to shoot the Blackberries in their unarmored faces. The pirates searched the Blackberries’ fallen forms (“She clearly killed them, yet we can’t say it.” Stewie said) and found Licoropes. “Cool! We can use these!”

Augustus was first to throw his Licorope onto a candycane propeller that was over the railing. He whirled around and around before letting himself fly to another propeller and roping it. “Yyyyeah…” Rather than mimic his actions, Stewie decided to launch his grappling gun to the railing of the walkway they would eventually get to, pulling Rallo and Maggie with him. Indeed, Augustus arrived at this walkway after clearing the propellers, and was very dizzy afterward. “Uuuuhh… how you twerps get here ’fore Iiii…” Augustus moaned.

“Shall I fetch The Little Brain Cell That Could?” Stewie remarked. After August recovered, the four entered the doorway of a building this walkway was set around. They were on a circular walkway over a lower floor, and Blackberries were quick to charge around from the opposite side. Augustus left the babies to deal with them while he dropped to the floor below, which had three large boxes. Broccoli Trolls popped out of these boxes, and their horrid stench reached Augustus’s nose. He could understand why the Blackberries don’t come down here: these guys were poison to any candy lover.

Augustus held his nose shut and sliced the broccoli with his Candycane Cutlass, but this merely increased the strength of the stench. Augustus had to squint his eyes because the green gas was making them water. He looked up the stairs that led back to the walkway and noticed the switch on the wall, labeled FANS. “Guys, hit that button!”

After Rallo finished beating a Blackberry, he jumped off its fallen body and reached the switch to flip it. Ceiling fans activated and sucked the poison gas out of the room. “Way to go.” Augustus smiled with praise. “Come on, kids, let’s blow this place.” The three babies joined him as they followed a passage that sloped down. They stood on a grated floor above a chasm, using their Licoropes to swing a candycane ceiling fan. Their weight pulled it down, so they swung to the following floor quickly. Augustus noticed another floor below this one, so he held onto the fan to descend and land on it.

He found a Fudgepuffsicle down here, eating it to inflate and float up like a balloon. He shifted his body to avoid hitting the spikes under the higher floor, and Maggie jumped on his bloated body to ride. Turrets on the next floor blasted candy corn, so Maggie shot those turrets to protect her captain. Over this next floor, Augustus could float up a ceiling shaft, where Maggie grabbed a floating Gold Wonka Bar. Augustus deflated and landed on the floor, and Stewie and Rallo came over with the grappling gun.

Since nothing would help them cross the pit to the next floor, Augustus grabbed the three babies in his arms to make a great leap over. He set them down as they climbed a ladder down a shaft. They ended up at the bottom of the Sour Cinnamon, standing on a walkway hanging precariously over the great drop. It appeared that they were flying over a jungle. “Augh. The sun’s almost setting.” Augustus noticed. “We better steal a ship and get outta here before it’s your bedtime.”

“Yo, quit treating us like children!” Rallo yelled. “We’re over 20 years old, you know!”

“Well, I’m 15 and I’m hunting candies.” Augustus bit his current lollipop and lowered his sunglasses to show his cool stare. “Your argument means nothing.”

The Marzipans followed the walkway down before it came to a stop. There was a turning device with cinnamon rolls attached to the end of its two poles. The rolls passed by their platform, so they used the Corn-Clamber Boots to step on them and ride along. The Deadly Babies were terrified at hanging directly over the thousand-foot drop, relying only on the sturdiness of their candy boots and some overgrown cinnamon roll. They were about to pass a part of the underside that looked like chocolate chip cookie, and Augustus was able to stamp his boots into it.

The babies joined him, but being completely upside-down over the drop wasn’t a good feeling. Turrets popped out and tried to shoot them, but Maggie reacted quickly by shooting back. They kept firm on the cookie path until they were above a new walkway. They jumped off the cookie and switched to their regular shoes. Blackberries tried to shoot them from other paths, but Augustus threw his Gobstopper to bonk their heads forcefully and make them fall into the jungle. “Man, this thing is awesome!” he said happily once the Gobstopper returned.

They came to a series of sealed steam pipes on the ship’s underside. They used their Licoropes to swing across, popping the pipes open as a result (sugar came out instead of steam). They set foot on a new walkway and hurried to the ladder at the end.

Unfortunately, Veruca Salt climbed down that ladder, approaching with a malicious grin and rotting body. The pirates readied their selves, but they saw Violet Beauregard crawl along the underside and land behind them. “I knew Mike couldn’t guard you.” Veruca said. “That’s why I wanted to. Why couldn’t I?”

Augustus chucked Gobstoppers at her, Maggie shot Violet with bullets, but both of them used Iron Body to defend. “So all you guys use Rokushiki like Black John Licorice?” Augustus asked.

“Well, yeah.” Violet was chewing some gum. “If he knew it, why wouldn’t Lord Licorice know? FYI though, the martial art was invented by the government assassins, CP10.”

“So there’s nowhere to run.” Veruca stepped forward slowly. “Lord Licorice wants you to fight in the arena. I want to help him. I want to catch you.”

Augustus clutched his cutlass in both hands. “Huuuurrrrrrr!” He gripped it tight, trying to focus his very willpower into it.

“Not the best time to be constipated.” Stewie remarked.

“I’m trying to focus my Haki! Just… a little…!”

“You can’t use Haki?” Violet asked, popping her gum.

“Nnnnn… aaaaaahhhh!” Augustus slashed his sword and cut one of the beams holding up this path. “Huh… It’s Licorope. Kids, better hang on!”

“W-Wait! What’re you doin’?” Rallo asked. (“Mw-mw?” Maggie followed.)

“Sorry to drop on your summer, but fall is coming early!” Augustus slashed the other three Licoropes, and this section of the walkway plummeted to the forest as the pirates hung on. (Play “Piranha Creeper Creek” from Mario 3-D World!)

Act 2: Cinnamon Jungle

“WAAAAH!” The walkway bounced down some big gelatin leaves before crashing on the jungle floor. “You tryin’ to kill us, Cap’n?!” Rallo yelled.

“You’re still young, but I thought you would know the difference between staying there and where we are now.”

“True, but this defeats our plan of stealing a transport.” Stewie noted.

“There’s bound to be civilization somewhere. Let’s just get away before they come down.”

The sun had gone below the horizon, so the sky was turning indigo. They followed a path through the woods, turning left and stopping to view a route where giant apple-headed Piranha Plants stretched out of holes in their walls to munch on trees oozing with cinnamon. “This reminds me of a cereal no one eats.” Rallo said.

“You mean Apple Jacks?” Augustus asked. “This is where everybody harvests cinnamon for their food. The Apple Piranhas here love them. That’s where they got the idea for those commercials.”

Augustus threw Gobstoppers at the piranhas’ heads, making them retreat into their holes so the pirates could get through. Once past the road, they arrived at a small lake of cinnamon, where a large cinnamon roll platform was floating. They jumped on it, and another platform floated up. The sequence repeated, but Apple Piranhas were coming up, munching their mouths as they moved in zigzaggy fashions to eventually eat the rolls. Augustus and Maggie attacked them before they could come. Piranhas ambushed from behind, so Maggie handled those ones while Augustus faced front. Eventually, the cinnamon rolls led them to a shore on the other side.

They used their Corn-Clamber Boots to go up a short wall made of rock and cinnamon. At the top, they overlooked a very steep hill, but thought it best not to take off their boots given the unsteady ground. Apple Piranhas peeped out of holes and spat cinnaballs at them. They managed to avoid them despite the slower speed of their boots, and Augustus hit them with Gobstoppers. At the bottom of this slope, the path shifted left, but the cinnamon ground was still slanted and threatened to drop them in ooze below.

The slanted path became more wide, but Apple Piranha heads were rolling out of holes on their left, threatening to shove them off. There was a Gold Wonka Bar perched in front of one of the holes, and being the gutsy fool he was, Augustus stomped up to grab it. Eventually, the path brought them to stable, grassy ground, so they could take off their clamber boots. They entered another route through the jungle, where Augustus used his cutlass to slice the M. Bushes he expected to ambush them. Spear Guys swung overhead on vines and dropped their favored weapons, moving too fast for August or Maggie to hit.

They hurried through this path and reached another cinnamon cliff. Augustus tried to march up first, but he ended up falling when he stomped a spot that was less stable. Rallo used his boombox powers to shake that cliff, making the outer crust come off. This way, they could easily step up. They viewed a steep, grass hill, but they could see Spear Guys swinging from afar, throwing their spears with whipping speed. Maggie locked on with her sniper rifle and shot every Spear Guy in her vision.

Augustus lifted Maggie over his shoulders so she could keep shooting them while he marched up the slope with his clamber boots. They made it to the top of the hill, then took a right path to find a river of oozing cinnamon, which had a solid path that threatened to crumble under their weight. There was a bushel of Ringtrots, so they each took one and began sucking on it. The super sour taste gave them the energy to run across the would-be crumbling path with great speed. The cinnamon creek became wider, and they had to make run-and-jumps over gaps in the path. Rallo ended up taking a left route where the footholds were smaller, but he survived and successfully grabbed a Wonka Bar.

Rallo rejoined his friends before they dashed up a path up the wall, shifting rightward and dodging the many Apple Piranhas that came out to munch them. The path was coming to the wall’s edge, but instead of fly off, they shifted angles as the wall turned. The path led them parallel with another wall, where they had to jump back-and-forth when Piranha Plants tried to block their way. This segment concluded when a string of piranhas rose out of the opposite wall, failing to bite the pirates before they landed on the safe ground. The Marzipans gasped for breath before marching further into the jungle. (End song.)

They stepped up a hill and looked at the Sour Cinnamon in the distance. “’Guess they lost us.” Augustus panted, still tired. “Let’s hope they stay lost.”

Stewie’s eyelids were drooping, and the baby was trying to keep himself standing. …Inevitably, the football-head ended up tumbling down the hill. “Stewie!” Augustus and co. ran down to help him.

“Uuu… I’m okay.” Stewie said groggily.

“I knew you kids would get tired. Let’s rest here. They shouldn’t be able to find us in the dark.”

The four pirates settled under a grouping of trees. Augustus pulled the wrapping off one of their Gold Wonka Bars, giving a small piece to each of them. “I know it isn’t good bedtime food, but it’s all we got without our airplane. I’ll let you kids have extra servings ’soon as we’re out of here.” The captain proceeded to eat the rest of the Wonka Bar.

“I ain’t sure I’ll be able to sleep, on account o’ the monsters.” Rallo shuddered.

“Mw-mw-mw.” Maggie said with worry.

“Fine. You two can be night watch.” August smirked.

“Sure…” Rallo’s eyes grew heavy. “We’ll just… eat some cinnamon and…” He and Maggie both fell into slumber.

“Ahh, the minds of the less intelligent.” Stewie said. “I suppose you’ll be falling asleep before long.”

“I have more sugar in my veins than you.” Augustus bit his candybar. “I still don’t get something, though. Why’d you twerps save me, anyway? I don’t think I’d be able to blackmail you if Lord Licorice had me.”

“You probably would’ve escaped, anyway.” Stewie sighed. “Besides, our lives are too dull without the Big Mom Pirates. When your family’s frozen in age, nothing ever changes. It’s always the same routine, week after week. We joined those pirates to begin with to get away from those routines. But now that they’re gone, you’re all we have left. And, I guess part of me kind of liked what we did.”

“Hmm. I think that’s part of the reason I didn’t wanna stay home with my parents.” Augustus smiled. “Aside from the adventure and new experiences, I feel more at home out here. Chatting with the Gumdrop Pirates and… well, people who can understand me.”

“Perhaps, but, Augustus… do you ever wonder if it’s wrong to seek life away from your family?” Stewie looked away reflectively. “If you think you’re bound for so much more because you’re ashamed of where you come from?”

“I’m not ashamed.” Augustus started a new lollipop. “The blood of candy hunters courses through my veins. Seeking adventure, thrills, whether you have a reason or not… I know for sure that this is what I was meant to do.”

“That’s something to admire about you.” Stewie smiled. “But you know, you never did tell us why you wanted to search for the Lost Candies. Judging by your response to that Ricardo fellow, it sounds like a deep reason.”

“Actually, I-…” Augustus blushed, thinking how cheesy this sounded. “A few months back, I… promised this sick boy I would find the candies. He wanted to… taste the cake that they created before he dies. I felt bad because… I was more interested in finding Candied Planet.”

“Oh…” Stewie remembered hearing the truth behind that plan. “…I suppose if this adventuring thing doesn’t work out, you wouldn’t fail as a babysitter.”

“Hwhat are you talking about?” Augustus chuckled.

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s just a thought. …Achoo!” Stewie sneezed. “I don’t mean to suggest anything, but babies aren’t used to sleeping outside without… blankets.”

“Sad that you don’t have Mommy or Daddy to sleep with?”

“Oh, shut your lollipop hole.”

“Alright, fine. But just for tonight.” Augustus lied down and held his arm open, allowing Stewie to crawl up and rest his misshapen head on it.

Augustus felt something on his right and saw that Maggie was hugging him, laying her weary head on his chest. Rallo also cuddled up beside Maggie, warming her with his afro. Augustus didn’t know why, but… he felt warm. These children, even though they were frozen in age, were adorable. Sometimes, Augustus wondered what it would be like to have siblings. Little brothers or sisters who look up to him. Of course, he had Haylee for that. And they would all be his pirate crew. “Hmm… But as far as siblings go, these three are downright weird.”

The next morning…

The Marzipan Pirates were still asleep, cuddled close together. Engines roared in the sky, and the kids were waken up when small bits of cinnamon sprinkled on them. Feeling the sticky stuff on their face, they shook awake and got to their feet. The Sour Cinnamon was passing overhead. “Uh-oh. Looks like they found us.” Augustus said.

They stood and watched as the Cinnamon continued flying. “That’s odd, they aren’t dropping any soldiers.” Stewie noticed.

The vessel appeared to be heading to a giant mountain that was round like a stadium. “Didn’t Veruca say that… they were taking us to an arena?”

Roars and chants echoed through the jungle. As the Marzipans approached the stadium cautiously, they grew louder. (Play “Smells Like Teen Spirit” from Pan.)

The Marzipan Pirates quietly crept into a tunnel of the gigantic rock mass. The chants and roars were growing louder as they progressed. “Whaddyou think that is?” Rallo asked. “Some kinda ritual?”

“Maybe it’s the arena that Veruca mentioned.” Augustus said. “But who would set one up all the way out here? Who would come?”

Hello, hello, hello

How low?

Hello, hello, hello

HOW LOW?

“I think we’re about to find out.” Stewie said as they reached the tunnel’s end.

Hundreds of thousands of seats were filled around the tremendous stadium. Their song echoed to the heavens and beyond. All of them were waving flags with Jolly Rogers: they were all pirates. There were demon pirates, robot pirates, human pirates, even the Kremlings.

With the LIGHTS out

IT’S LESS DANGEROUS

Here we are now

ENTERTAIN US!

I feel stupid

AND CONTAGIOUS

Here we are now

ENTERTAIN US!

When the first verse was repeating, the Marzipans stared with awe at the three gigantic ships hovering in the sky. There were four figures standing on platforms on the ships’ sides: Cindy Cortix from the Boogey Pirates, the two Rusty Petes from the Slag Pirates, and a short old man with a white beard – Mr. Smee.

“And I forget… just WHY I taste.” Lord Licorice fixed on his black and red armor, his hat, and loaded his shiny gun. “Oh yeah, I guess, it makes me smile.” He sung quietly to himself as he marched up the wooden stairs. “I found it hard, it’s hard to find. Oh well… whatever… never mind.”

The “hello, hello” was repeating once more, and Licorice was mumbling as he walked up on the deck of the Boogey Bay. He passed a polite smile and nod to Captain Mandy, who stared with uninterest as she drank booze. Captain Slag, Captain Hook, and Baron K. Roolenstein were there as well, bowing their heads at Licorice briefly. The Candy Lord marched up more stairs and across a walkway with railing. He jumped, planted both feet on either railing, and raised his arms for all pirates to see.

With the LIGHTS out

IT’S LESS DANGEROUS

Here we are now

ENTERTAIN US!

I feel stupid

AND CONTAGIOUS

Here we are now

ENTERTAIN US!

The song stopped as all pirates roared, and Licorice stood back on the walkway. His voice was heard across the stadium. “Friends… I am Lord Tyrone Licorice. You know me very well… as the servant of the King of the World himself!”

“BOOOOOOOOOO!” The pirates were roaring in protest.

“BUT! …Unlike those law-abiding bigheads, you’ll find that I’m a very kind sir indeed! I believe there is beauty in you pirates that the World Government does not see! Ay, it is because of those powder-wigs that you are not allowed to participate in Glitzville’s games. But it is no worry, because my ancestors so GRACIOUSLY carved out this stadium for swashbucklers of every kind, to host the Davy Back Fight Brawl every YEAR!”

“YAAAAARRRRRRHHHH!”

“Lady and man pirates, we have a spectacular show planned for you! Sponsoring our event is none other than two, yes TWO, Pirate Emperors! First, meet the Empress of Fear herself, Captain of the Boogey Pirates, the Grim Stare Mandy!” Said empress gave a half-hearted wave before chugging another drink of rum, only to find her bottle was empty. “Unfortunately, our second Emperor, King Kroctus Rool, King of the Kremling Krew, chose not to be here in person. In his stead, his second brother, Baron K. Roolenstein. We also have the honor of being in the audience of two noble Pirate Lords! May I present Captain James Hook and Captain Romulus Slag!”

“Oh, the honor is my own, Master Licorice!” Captain Slag bowed. “One of me many pleasures in visiting this planet is ta bear witness to its quality entertainment! Plus, Ay could really use me a breather, considering all of the hard-drive-ache Ay’ve suffered these past months.”

“I think we all need to relieve ourselves of pain.” Licorice twisted his left mustache, grinning slyly. “I believe our fair Empress was humiliated before her crew by a young junior pirate. The ‘Sunny-Fist’ Sheila, according to His Majesty’s records.”

“I THREW the fight, mmmm,” Mandy yelled drunkily, “BEEELCH, Lardrich!”

“Now, Captain Hook, I understand that you had a special prize you wished to wager in this contest?”

“I most certainly do!” The red-cladded captain marched up onto the walkway and raised his sword. “PIRATES! I, Captain James Hook, have invaded and traversed the Forest Planet, and discovered its Realm of Fairies! I struck the land when it was most vulnerable: three hours AFTER the Kids Next Door’s defeat of Nature Goddess, Viridi! The fairies were helpless in repairing the forest of ruin, and the prize I took from them, I have been eagerly waiting to show somebody. Behold… the FAIRY PRINCESS! AISLING KELLS!”

On this cue, Mr. Smee scrambled to pull out and push a remote. A hatch opened from the bottom of the Jolly Roger, and from it, a net made of steel strings lowered. Augustus, the Deadly Babies, and all the pirates gazed with awe: there was a girl of ghostly white skin and hair, wearing only a gray dress. Her green eyes looked vicious as she tried to bite through the strings with sharp teeth.

“Yes, the Forest Fairy Princess, Aisling Kells!” Hook announced. “One of three Fairy Princesses described in an ancient Avalaran fairytale. The story reads that these fairies contain terrific amounts of magical energy. The Forest Fairy, in particular, possesses the power to grant and extend life, and stop death. Any pirate… would be a fool not to fight over her.”

“YAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!” The stadium roared with cheers, as every crew craved the fairy’s supposed power. Lord Licorice narrowed his eyes evilly as he studied the trapped fairy.

“Is that girl really a Fairy Princess?” Augustus asked.

“Don’t be an eediot,” Stewie said, “it’s probably just a sham.”

“Even if it is, they’re still abusing the hell out of her for a profit. It’s kinda sickening.”

“Well, what the hell are you going to do about it, sign up for the competition?”

“Now, everyone!” Lord Licorice announced. “I have another treat for this tournament! As we all know, the notorious crew known as the Big Mom Pirates have been causing us grief for the past 20 years. Just days ago, the Pirate Empress herself has met an unfortunate end. And I, Lord Tyrone Licorice, have captured her grandson, and will force him to compete in the arena against his own will, so that you all may know sweet revenge! As soon as my associates arrive with him, they’re certainly taking a while,” he mumbled through gritted teeth, “we can get started with-”

His cellphone rang. “Excuse me a sec.” Lord Licorice answered. “Ahh, Violet. You know, you’re taking an awfully long time to bring him down, I wouldn’t imagine… w-what?!” He looked at the Pirate Lords panickingly, then knelt down and whispered, “You’ve been looking all night and couldn’t find him? Grrr- These people are expecting some revenge, so unless he turns up, one of you will have to dress up like him and-”

“HEY, STINKTEETH!” A Hispanic voice shouted across the stadium. Lord Licorice gasped and looked over the railing. Everyone’s vision directed at one of many entrances. “YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THE BIG MOMS, YOU CHOKE IT UP WITH ME!”

“AUGUSTUS, what the hell are you doing?!” Stewie shouted.

“AHA!” Licorice pointed giddily. “There he is, just like I said! Augustus von Fizzuras, the grandson of Big Mom, is here to fight in the competition!”

“Damn right I am!” Augustus yanked his lollipop out and threw it on the ground. “It’s one thing to let a defenseless girl hang in a net like a manatee, but if people got problems with me, I wanna hear it up front before they cower inside a giant mountain like a bunch of wimps!”

“YER DAMN RIGHT we have problems with you!” a Hook Pirate shouted. “BIG MOM replaced me gums with GUM!”

“Fat Jack crushed me brother and got him reprogrammed to be a McDonald’s security camera!” a Slag Pirate yelled.

“Th-Th-That Lala girl saw into my memory,” a Kremling shuddered, “a-a-and reminded me of the petting zoo. S-S-So many kids and ice cream! . .”

“Those rotty Kids Next Door may’ve taken ’em all out,” a Boogey Pirate aimed his sword, “but ’long as YOU’RE still around, we get a piece o’ the cake, too!”

“YEEEAAAAH!”

“Fine, so my grandma and her crewmates beat the living snot and internal liquids out of all you.” Augustus retorted. “Do you pirates have nothing better to do with yourselves than gang up on some kid who had nothing to DO with those things? I, for one, had different ideals that Big Mom didn’t share. I THOUGHT she shared them, but she was a monster in the end. MY philosophy is about ADVENTURE. And if I’M the only pirate in this ring that GETS that, then I’ll swab the deck with every one of you!”

“You think you know better than US, ye scurvy brat?!” Captain Hook aimed the prosthetic he was named after.

“I’m not the guy from a land that never grows up!”

“FRIENDS, we have a game!” Licorice announced. “All competitors, gear up for battle, because once I finish explaining the rules, it’s anyone’s game. The competing pirate crews have already submitted their wagered doubloons—or whatever currency your kind uses—into the stadium’s moat, where it will flow out into the sea and to Davy Jones’ Locker, so that the Cursed Captain himself may bear witness to these events. Any pirate crew who is to break the clear established rules of the contest will be sent to Davy Jones’ Locker.

“Your crewmen will engage in a variety of contests. Only the crewmen chosen by their captains for the specific contest are allowed to compete. The pirate crew who comes in first for each contest is allowed to pick a member from the crew who comes in last. They may pick any crewmember, including the captain, and that person must switch their loyalties without quarrel.” Licorice grinned devilishly. “Sadly, since I am not a pirate, I cannot pick nor be chosen. The victorious pirate crew may also choose to steal the losing crew’s Jolly Roger. (Er, their pirate flag, not Hook’s ship.) And speaking of Hook, we will consider Princess Aisling to be a member of his crew, therefore she may be won over in a contest. But since she is special, only the crew who wins first place in the end will be allowed to choose her.

“Now, it seems the Big Mom Pirates, however limited their numbers may be,” Licorice grinned again, “are choosing to compete. We will see how long they last, but the first pirate crew to lay waste to Augustus von Fizzuras will score extra points for their crew. These are the rules, is everyone clear?”

“JUST A SECOND.” Augustus yelled. “The Big Mom Pirates are NOT competing! We are the Marzipan Pirates, and the four founding members are your opponents!” Augustus threw five Chocolate Coins into the moat.

“HE MEANS US, TOO?!” The Deadly Babies panicked. (“Mw-mw!”)

“Our mistake: The Marzipan Pirates will compete, and abide by our rules. Pirate crews, pick your member: the first match of the competition will be a dogfight. We will drop a bunch of scattered parts onto the field: you must construct a plane, go to the sky, and wait for your enemies to come up and dish away at you. You may not disrupt the other crewmen’s construction, and you can only fight once you have craft in the sky. You have two minutes, so hurry up and choose!”

Augustus stomped forward, “A dogfight is my kinda game! I’m takin’ this one, guys.”

“Are you even listening to us?!” Stewie shouted. “We’re going to get CREAMED in this fight! (And that was without trying to make a candy pun!) Why the hell do you care about some damn ‘fairy’?!”

“It isn’t just the fairy I wanna rescue.” Augustus stated, starting a new lollipop. “If I’m serious about our pirate crew, we have to show all the others what we’re made of. They’re already talking down on us ’cause we’re the washed-up Big Mom Pirates, so we have to show them we ain’t tied to those bozos! Also, that fairy might be able to restore my Haki. But even if she can’t, it wouldn’t hurt to toughen you kids up, too.”

“Competing in this tournament,” Licorice announced, “our crews have chosen: from the Marzipan Pirates, Augustus Fizzuras! From the Slag Pirates, the Silver Bullet! From the Hook Pirates, Mr. Smee! From the Kremling Krew, Snide the Weasel! And from the Boogey Pirates, Aragon. Pilots: CONSTRUCT!” He shot the gun skyward.

The five chosen pirates claimed a pile of scrap and began to shuffle around for parts. “Let’s see, rusty propeller,” Augustus mumbled, tossing a piece aside, “made of wood, this engine doesn’t look bad…”

“The Silver Bullet is ready and UP in the air!” Lord Licorice declared, startling Augustus into looking up. “Now he must wait for his opponents! Oh, did I mention that the first crew who finishes their craft can choose a member from the last crew who finishes? It’s a double-contest, how fun!”

“Hurry and get up here, you Slowbros!” Silver Bullet yelled with a faulty voice program. He appeared to be a robot of shiny, silver metal, with a single glowing red eye.

“Damn, he’s fast!” Augustus exclaimed. “I better hurry!”

Minutes had passed: Aragon, who was an Aeralfos, attached propellers to his wings, along with laser turrets, and took off next. Snide completed a hovercraft that was a man-size version of the Flying Krock. “YES!” Augustus created a cheaper version of the Ace Flyer and flew off, leaving Smee on the ground.

“SMEEEEEE! HURRY!” Captain Hook roared.

“I’m sorry, Captain! I’m missing one propeller blade!” Smee was hunched over and searching around the ground like a dog. “Oh, blast it, where is it?”

Captain Hook moaned, clearly seeing the blade in the back of Smee’s pants.

“Sigh, that could’ve been bad.” Augustus sighed in relief. “I better take out these guys before they- WHOA!” Lasers shot at his left wing, so he barrel-rolled away. “-cut off my sentence!”

“That’s one new crewmate for the Slag Pirates!” the Silver Bullet declared, chasing Augustus. “And once you’re gone, I’ll be happy to claim your Jolly Roger.”

Augustus dove downward while constantly barrel-rolling, then he flew back up to rapidly shoot the Bullet. The robot’s superb plane withstood the attacks and kept flying forward, so Augustus dodged upward, then flew horizontal again. He saw Snide flying behind him, locking onto the shabby plane before launching two missiles. Augustus saw Aragon several meters away, and the Aeralfos retreated when the Marzipan gave chase. Aragon turned around to cough fireballs, but Augustus evaded. He stomped the gas pedal to catch up to, then zip past Aragon, and the missiles now locked on the demon. Aragon blasted his laser turrets to shoot the missiles down.

Augustus whipped the plane around to shoot at Aragon, destroying his left turret. The Silver Bullet began shooting at Augustus from the left, so the teen flew down and under the robotic pilot. He did a U-turn to get behind the robot, rapidly blasting laser bullets, but Silver Bullet switched on a bubble barrier to protect himself. “AUGH, you rusty smartass!”

“Thank you! I take pride in my intelligent rumpus.” The robot remarked.

“Heh! That bubble won’t be very convenient if you can’t see through it.” Augustus boosted forth and got above the hi-tech plane. He pushed a button that opened a hatch under his plane, dropping oil on the bubble. “What the-?!”

“Say ¡Enciéndelos!” Augustus slowed down, blasted the oil, and set the bubble aflame.

“AAAAAAAAHHHH!”

“Sorry, Bullet, but I’m taking from YOUR crew-”

The bottom of Augustus’s plane was rammed by another at whipping speed. He hacked out his lollipop as his plane fell to pieces. As he fell, he looked at his assaulter. “SMEEEEEE!” Captain Hook jumped with joy. “WELL done!”

“I knew my lucky fan blade would come in handy!” Smee said.

Stewie Griffin rushed onto the field and blasted his anti-gravity gun to break Augustus’s fall, setting him gently on the ground. “Augustus, are you okay?” Stewie asked.

“Yeah…” He scratched his head. “Talk about a cheap shot.”

“This means they gonna take one of us, don’t it?!” Rallo exclaimed.

“Afraid so… We might as well watch the rest of the show.”

The four remaining pirates continued to battle. Smee was wiped out by Aragon, Snide was defeated by the Silver Bullet, and he was shot down by Aragon. “The winner of the dogfight is ARAGON of the BOOGEY PIRATES! And since the Marzipan Pirates were shot down first, Captain Mandy may take a member from their cr-”

“HOLD UP.” Mandy spoke up. “Why would I wanna take a member from that petty little crew? I’d sooner take somebody who’s more worth my time. I choose to take from the Kremling Krew… K. LUMSY!”

“Are you DAFT?!” K. Roolenstein exclaimed. “That is a violation of the rules! You were only supposed to take from the last-place crew, not-”

Mandy shot a Scare Stare at the Kremling. “The Grim Reaper fears my gaze! Am I to be afraid of Davy Jones?”

“Gulp!” The Kremling’s spine tingled. “K-K. Lumsy! Over heeeere!”

The stadium began to shake under the rhythm of footsteps. Everybody looked to the north side of the stadium as two massive green claws gripped the roof. A Kremling of incredible size, with a large yellow belly, emerged. “Uuuurr… do you want meeee?”

“Guess what, you oversized reptilian: you’re now a member of the Boogey Pirates!” Mandy shouted. “You will abandon your allegiance to the Kremlings and swear loyalty to me!”

“Why do you even want him?” Baron asked. “Despite his colossal size, he hasn’t the guts to dismember a fly!”

“Fear can do a lot of things to a mortal.”

“And since the Slag Pirates completed their craft first,” Licorice reminded, “they may take a member from the Hook Pirates.”

“Marvelous!” Slag beamed. “Which member of yer crew can play the accordion?”

“I can!” a random pirate from the audience yelled.

“Ay will take him!”

“Phew… we got lucky there.” Augustus sighed.

“Mw-mw?! Mw-mw-mw-mw-mw-mw-mw-mw-mw-mw!!” Maggie flailed her arms in anger. (“Lucky?! You’ll be lucky if they don’t order me to shoot you if they win me over!”)

“Don’t worry, Maggie, I’m working on a plan. Even if we don’t score 1st place, we might still be able to save the fairy and get outta here. For now, you’ll all have to pull your weight in this thing.”

“That’s not what she said, but, we’ll let you believe that.” Stewie replied.

“Our next bout is what I call the Search and Shoot!” Lord Licorice began. “We will shroud the ring in darkness while your choice crewmen wander a maze and shoot the others with classic laser lights! However, our fair audience will be able to monitor your actions via the TV screens, from the perspective of Nightvision cameras. If a player is shot three times, they lose. Keep in mind that you are not allowed to shoot your opponents with REAL guns, or you will be disqualified. Choose your pirates and we will begin!”

“Maggie, it’s up to you!” Augustus told the youngest baby. “You were Big Mom’s best sniper, so it’s time to remind ‘em that!”

“Mw-mw-mw-mw!” Maggie flailed her arms and pointed at her eyes.

“She said her vision is still weak, and I left her goggles on the plane!” Stewie shouted.

“Ugh- Well, how weak is it still, can’t you try?”

“Mw-mw…” Maggie tried to Zoom in to the distant audience, but her eye twitched with soreness, so she retracted her vision.

“Sigh, well you’re going to have to tough it out. I have a plan…”

“The five crews have chosen their players!” Licorice announced once more. “But I will not announce them for the sake of secrecy. Please, enter the tent!” The chosen contestants entered a huge dark tent that lowered over the field. A maze had also risen from the floor, and it was nearly pitch-black inside. Maggie noticed the glow coming from the Nightvision cameras. “Shooters… hunt!”

Maggie clutched her laser gun tight and moved about the maze carefully. “It’s all up to you, Maggie.” Augustus’s words rang in her mind. “Not only do you gotta win, you have to find the Boogey Pirate member and take him out first. I know you can do it, Mags. You were the most feared sniper on the Seven Seas, so it’s time to prove it.”

He was right… Maggie was the greatest sniper in the Big Mom Pirates. Her name was known across the sea, she was feared by all. She killed Charles Burns, one of the Corporate Presidents. Even though she was a child, she earned a bounty of $56,000 (as well as the equivalents in all respective countries). She had to follow her captain’s plan… only she could-

“The contestant of the Slag Pirates, Killbot 4625, is the first to fall! That means whoever wins may claim from their crew.”

“Defeated by Army Dillo, no less.” Baron K. Rool stroked his own chin. “As an animal, his senses are heightened, and we have trained him to recognize any scent. The exhaust from robots, the rum-soaked breath of a swabbie, the Hell-rotten stench from demons, or even an infant’s baby powder. As our top gunman, no prey escapes his nose!”

“Darn it!” Augustus stomped his foot. “Just focus on winning, Maggie!!”

Hearing his voice, Maggie flinched and whipped out her real gun. She began shooting the tent’s ceiling rapidly, poking holes everywhere. “Red flag! RED FLAG!” Captain Hook cried. “She’s not supposed to USE a real gun!”

“OBJECTION!” Augustus yelled up at him. “The contestants aren’t allowed to shoot their OPPONENTS with real guns! Didn’t say they couldn’t bring them in for other uses!”

“Captain Fizzuras makes a fair point!” Licorice agreed. “Miss Maggie did not strike her enemies with her bullets. But I see little purpose in making the maze slightly brighter.”

“It isn’t just brighter.” Augustus smirked. “Come on, Mags, you can do it.”

Maggie withstood the soreness and used her Zoom-Zoom power to zero in on the tent’s holes. She eventually found some that gave her a good view of the large TVs, showing her the positions of enemy snipers. A Bulblin Archer, who was likely the Boogey Pirate, was about to catch her from around the corner, so Maggie swiftly ducked behind a nearby rock. Maggie drew out one of her other guns to shoot floating mirrors, creating a path to the Bulblin so she could shoot her laser three times, reflect around the mirrors, and defeat him.

“The Boogey Pirate contestant, Bobbleton, is defeated! What a clever means of working around the rules!”

“Yes!” Augustus fist-pumped. “Too bad we didn’t get him first, but at least now they won’t get as many points.”

Just then, Maggie was hit by a laser from behind, so she quickly dodged behind the rock, then bolted when the Army Dillo was coming. “Wyee hah hah hah!” The armadillo laughed. “You all thought I was killed when I got struck by lightning in the ocean! …Actually, I was, but I was revived by Ganondorf’s dumping of the Sanzu River! I won’t be made a fool of again!” Using his real bullets, Army shot down Maggie’s floating mirrors and began sniffing along the ground for her.

Maggie shot more mirrors into the air, and kept track of Army by where his bullets came from. Maggie didn’t bother to stop and look through the tent holes, instead she kept maneuvering around the maze. After turning a corner, she saw the Hook Pirates’ marksman across a path, dodging his lasers to go down a right path. The pirate attempted to chase the baby, but Army Dillo caught up to where they were, and Maggie heard him successfully land a hit on the Hook Pirate. The two were in a shooting squabble, during which Army was hit, so Maggie made her way around the maze to get behind them.

She followed a good path using her mirrors, and got behind Army before landing a harmless laser blow. The Hook marksman got away, so Army whipped around to chase Maggie. The child unfortunately got to a dead end, and Army snickered once he had her cornered. Maggie evasively dodged his lasers left and right, then shot a mirror into the air. The same time Army successfully hit Maggie, the girl bounced her own laser off the mirror to hit Army. “Army Dillo of the Kremling Krew is out! Now it’s down to these two crews.”

“SHE’S OVER HERE!” Army Dillo yelled before leaving the maze. Maggie glared with anger, running around the maze before she and the Hook marksman cornered each other. He was a tall and skinny pirate with a five-o’clock shadow and blue-and-white-striped shirt. He nimbly dodged Maggie’s lasers before he struck the baby with his own. “THE WINNERS ARE THE HOOK PIRATES! And since the Slag Pirates lost first, they may take a member from their crew.”

“I’ll just be taking my accordion player back, Slag Old Boy.” Captain Hook told the robot captain.

“Do you even know what my name is?” the audience pirate yelled.

“SILENCE!”

“Our next contest will be the Dread Race!” Lord Licorice announced. “Captain Slag took the courtesy of setting up this lovely Gravity Track, and programmed this set of karts to roll up it freely. Choose the most fitting pirate for the job, and let them choose a kart. The other crewmen cannot interfere with the race, but the competing pirates can use whatever means necessary to win. The first place pirate crew can choose a member from last place. You will have five minutes to pick a kart!”

“Hokay.” Augustus clapped hands. “Which one o’ you is great at racing games?”

“Oo-oo!” Rallo jumped, raising his hand. “I am! I want that car that looks like a boombox!” He pointed to a kart that was designed like a large boombox, with a stereo on the front and back.

The Marzipans went over to observe its controls. “Wow, it is like a boombox.” Stewie said. “But how can you tell what the buttons do?”

“Easy! Turnin’ up the volume speeds you up, turnin’ it down is brakes, and flippin’ up and down channels turns you left or right.”

“You would know better than us, Monty.” Augustus said. “You’re up.”

“Please don’t refer me by that name again.”

“Our crews have chosen! From the Marzipan Pirates, Rallo Tubbs, on the Boomboxer! From the Boogey Pirates, Skeeter the Bomskit, on the Treadmill Trekker! From the Kremling Krew, Kass, on the Rocket Barrel! From the Hook Pirates, Sir Big-Legs-and-Small-Body Samuel, on the Convenient-Bike-To-Match-Such-Traits! And lastly, from the Slag Pirates, Hyrule Rusty Pete on the Lever Device!”

“Knock ‘em dead, Hyrule Pete!” Termina Pete yelled.

“Ay sure will, Termina Pete (hiccup)!”

“Racers, at the ready!” The five pirates were parked at the starting line, their engines revving. Skeeter’s kart was designed like a treadmill, and would move as the speedy demon ran across it. Rusty Pete’s kart was like that of a minecart that goes as you move the lever up and down. Sir Big-Legs rode a very tall bicycle, where the pedals were low enough for his long legs to reach. “On your marks! Geeeeet set… You want me to say the ‘G’ word, don’t you? But how long will I make you-”

“JUST GO, YOU IDIOTS!” Mandy shouted.

Licorice shot his gun, and the pirates boosted—with the exception of Rallo, who was otherwise in the middle of the racers. Almost instinctively, the other racers forced their cars into a center, having intended to crush the 5-year-old. “WHOA! Good thinking, Tubbs!” Augustus praised. “But get going, they won’t wanna fight each other for long!”

“You got it!” Rallo began to race up a track that went up like a wall, for his kart’s wheels were programmed to meld with the altered gravity. The track would go up a loop-di-loop high above the stadium, then would lead over the stadium’s roof and out into the jungle. When he rammed through some ? Blocks at the loop’s top, his item select landed on Place Swap, which were a green and red arrow making a circle. “I ain’t ever see this in Mario Kart. I wonder what it does?” Rallo pushed the activate button, and the icon was launched along the track, spinning and glowing. It missed Rusty Pete in 4th place and caught Kass, who was in 3rd place. Rallo found the icon appeared around him, and he and Kass switched positions.

“BOO YEAH!” Rallo cheered. “Now I just- wh-whoa, WHOOOA!” Since he was now in Cinnamon Jungle, he accidentally rammed the spiked stalk of an outstretched Apple Piranha. Rusty Pete got past him, so Rallo quickly backed up with the Rewind button and got around the Piranha Plant. Rallo drove through more jungle before going up a left vertical gravity track over a cinnamon creek. Kass caught up and shoved Rallo from the right, forcing him to go a left path with several upcoming gaps. “OH, CRAP! Wait! What if I plug this into MY boombox?” Rallo grabbed the plugs in the cockpit and stuck them in the sockets in the back of his afro. He was able to channel his musicbending through and make the car bounce via his booms.

He managed to jump the gaps and go across a series of Boost Pads, which sent him up a ramp as his kart’s glider activated. He soared ahead of Kass and Pete, and nabbed a single ? Block before the ramp. He landed on a Power Star and became invincible, driving through the field of Apple Piranhas without trouble. He was catching up to Sir Big-Legs and knocked him aside, claiming 2nd place, but Skeeter was still keeping ahead. Rallo’s Star Power wore off by the time the gravity track led them up and around the huge stadium’s side. Skeeter had three banana peels in his reserve, so he dropped them on the track and caused Rallo to hit one, making his Boomboxer spin out of control before hitting the side. Big-Legs zipped past him, dropping a Bob-omb that Rallo didn’t notice before crashing into it.

Kass got past him, so Rallo got back on track and kept moving before Pete could do the same. The track led back into the stadium, going down a slope before crossing the finish line – completing the first lap. They went up the vertical track to the loop-di-loop again, and when Big-Legs (now in 3rd place) got three Red Shells, he sent them all back to hit Rallo, who narrowly dodged, so Pete got hit instead. “I say, isn’t that turtle abuse?” he asked.

“I would say so!” Termina Pete yelled.

Rallo hit the ? Blocks and landed on Blooper, so he sent the aerial squid out to ink all the other racers. Big-Legs lost traction and drove into the cinnamon creek, letting Rallo get past and go up the gravity track over said creek. He chose to take the left shortcut again, using his boombox to bounce the gaps, but it seemed Skeeter took this route, too. The Bomskit purposely slowed down, then grabbed the ? Block before going up the glider ramp, so that the block didn’t respawn in time before Rallo could get it. They soared across the cinnamon swamp, and Rallo remained in 2nd place as he chased Skeeter through the Piranha Plant garden. He gasped and dodged left when a piranha almost bit him, going up the gravity track around the stadium.

“WAAAAH!” Rallo was blown aside by a huge Bullet Bill – which was actually Rusty Pete’s kart, transformed after collecting said item from a ? Block. It wore off before Skeeter could be hit, and Rallo finished the 2nd lap in 3rd place. Their karts flew up the loop-di-loop, and Rallo collected a ? Block that landed on three Red Shells. He blasted at Rusty Pete and got past him, then quickly blasted forward to hit Skeeter. The Bomskit withstood each shot with three Green Shells, and as Rallo chased him across the shortcut path, he growled with rage when the monster claimed the ? Block first.

“WHOA!” Lightning struck the racers, cast by 5th place Kass, shrinking all except her. Since Rallo was going up the glider ramp at the time, his glider didn’t activate and he fell onto the normal track. However, Skeeter, who was already flying over the swamp, ended up falling in and trapped. “RALLO, musicbending gets rid of ailments!” Augustus yelled.

Rallo quickly blasted music and stretched himself to normal. He kept racing, and made it to first place. He didn’t hesitate or look back as he maneuvered the Apple Piranha garden, and when he made it up and around the stadium path, it looked like first place belonged to him. “Ladies and gentlemen, Montclair Tubbs is goin’ for the goal!” Rallo announced as he zeroed in on the finish. “He kicks the ball, and…!”

Skeeter blasted past him with Star Power he had conveniently collected in the swamp, along with a Gold Shroom in the piranha garden. “NOOOO!” Augustus and the babies screamed. Rallo regained himself and crossed the finish, still winning 2nd place.

“THE BOOGEY PIRATES WIN AGAIN!” Licorice announced with apparent delight. “Since Sir Big-Legs didn’t move his legs fast enough, Captain Mandy may take from Hook’s crew.”

“The Fairy Princess is MINE, you Han Solo wannabe!” Mandy pointed at Hook.

“I told you never to mention that topic to me.” Hook stated through gritted teeth. “And you can’t claim her unless you’ve won the whole thing!”

“Very well.” Mandy marched up to Lord Licorice and took his mike. “LISTEN UP, you sweaty post-college frat boys: the Fairy Princess is hereby reserved to me, myself, and I! Should any of you be lucky enough to come in first place, I will challenge your entire crew myself. To the victor will go the spoils. Do we have an understanding?”

“AAAAAARRRRRRHHHHHHHH!”

“‘Arrrrrrr’ yourself.”

“Yes, well, thank you for making that point, Miss Mandy.” Licorice took his mike back. “Which brings us to our next challenge: the Combat Brawl. Simply beat up your opponents with good old martial arts. Your other crewmen may not aid you. Crews, choose your strongest combatants, and we will begin.”

“Well, we’re boned.” Stewie slumped in defeat. “Unless you truly expect to pull your Haki back out of your arse again.”

“Not quite yet, Stew.” Augustus started a new lollipop. “I’m pickin’ you for this one.”

“What- Me?! How do you expect ME to do this?”

“Don’t you still have your Devil Fruit powers?”

“Well, I…I haven’t really tried since that battle. But I can’t unless I become angry.”

“You were angry at me for signing us up for this, right?”

“That isn’t the point!”

“Stewie, just go for it! And make sure you take out the Mandy Crew’s guy out first, you got it?”

“Ugh. This is becoming rinse and repeat. Very well… I’ll give it my all.”

“From the Boogey Pirates,” Licorice began, “they have chosen their newest member, K. Lumsy! From the Slag Pirates, Sprocket! From the Kremling Krew, their Division Commander, Lord Fredrik! From the Hook Pirates, Popeye! And the Marzipans have gladly offered up… Stewie Griffin?!”

Indeed, the football-headed baby looked very small compared to all those muscular combatants. Popeye was a sailor with a pipe in his mouth, and the ends of his arms were larger than his skinnier base ends. Lord Fredrik was a very large walrus with a Viking helmet, and his eyes were monstrous. Sprocket was a large robot with an oven for a stomach, but the biggest brute there was definitely K. Lumsy.

“But New Captain Mandy, I don’t wanda fight.” The giant Kremling said in a simple-minded tone. “Dat baby and dat walrus and dat guy who looks like a doll are cuuuute.”

“Awwwe… I’m sorry, Klumsy.” Mandy spoke with a warm, loving voice, getting level with K. Lumsy’s head using a floating boat. “Was my order not clear?” She gently patted Klumsy’s head. He glanced at the smaller woman, tears dripping from his eyes. “Perhaps you need to… look me in the EYE!” Her dark eyes shone with fear.

“BOOOUUUUURRRR!” That one little glance threw the giant crocodile into nightmares.

K. Lumsy was chained to the ground by human people, who were whipping him and cutting him with swords. All the giant croc did was cry, his moans echoed as he begged for mercy, but they passed it off as ‘crocodile tears’ and continued to torture. Then the K. Rool Brothers marched into town, Kaptain Kruckers shot all the people to death. Kroctus cut the chains binding the giant. “You are a perfect specimen for the Kremling Krew. Come with me, and we will put your strength to good use.”

Then, Kroctus ordered him to squish an island full of monkeys. Those monkeys were so cute, K. Lumsy couldn’t bear to do it… but then, the giant found the remains of dead Kongs squished under his feet. He had crushed the entire jungle into ruin. No matter what he tried to do, he was a giant, and a monster.

“OOOOUUUURRRR!” The fear drove K. Lumsy mad, the giant Kremling charged into the field and stomped his foot down on Lord Fredrik. The Snowmad Boss kept his foot up with his great strength and pushed the giant away. Popeye pulled out some spinach and chucked it in his mouth: his arms puffed bigger as he ran at Sprocket to throw punches, and the larger robot countered with equal strength.

“Stewie, hurry up and go Hulk!” Augustus yelled.

“I’m trying, I’m trying!” Stewie yelled, trying to channel his frustration. “Nnnnnnngggh!” The baby succeeded in puffing his right arm, albeit still peach-colored, and threw a punch at an incoming Lord Fredrik. K. Lumsy roared as he charged to Sprocket and Popeye, swinging his tail to knock them away. Stewie pushed the ground with his huge arm and bounced over, grabbing onto Klumsy’s right ankle. “RRRRRRRR!” The giant angrily shook his leg and flung Stewie away, then made a great leap to flatten the infant under his behind.

“Cough, uah!” Stewie coughed after Klumsy got off. “That’s worse than my father!”

“Come on, Stewie!” Augustus cheered. “Remember all that oppression you had to endure in your family! Your dad comin’ in drunk and passing out in your bedroom, your mom ignoring your intelligence, your sister using your hands as floss, and not to mention that dog stealing the script you wrote! Big Mom knew you were the perfect body for the Hulk-Hulk Fruit, and that was why! The most misunderstood person in his family needs to unleash his anger!”

“Grrrrr!” Stewie tried to channel more anger, but only his left leg grew to Hulk size. He began to walk with his right arm and left leg, grabbing Sprocket and throwing him at Fredrik, but Popeye leapt and punched the baby to the ground.

“Oh for GOD’S sake, Stewie!” his captain yelled again. “You have a DOLL of Popeye! Just pretend he’s that doll and kick him-”

“Nngh, will you JUST SHUT UP SO I CAN CONCENTRATE!” Stewie’s eyes flashed yellow, and within seconds, he had morphed into his full Hulk form. K. Lumsy grabbed the monster and punched him with his other hand before throwing Stewie on the ground. K. Lumsy fell forward to crush the Hulk, but Stewie lifted him up by the belly and twirled the giant around. He tossed Klumsy to push Sprocket and Fredrik away, then grabbed the giant by the tail before swinging him around to knock down his opponents.

Stewie hurled K. Lumsy straight at the Jolly Roger, destroying a huge chunk of the ship. K. Lumsy crashed back on the stadium floor, and everyone looked as the net holding Princess Aisling was dangling by its metal rope. “Stewie, now’s your chance!” Augustus said eagerly. “Go for it!”

The infuriated Hulk spared a glance at the teenage captain, then looked up at the dangling metal net. Stewie squatted, and used the strength of his Hulk legs to make the incredible leap to the ship that was 40 meters in the air. Aisling gasped and backed away when the monster grabbed hold of her net. Stewie roared loudly as he began shaking and tugging the net. Inevitably, the device that was holding the net came off, and they both plummeted to the stadium floor. However, they landed on Klumsy’s large belly, and the giant released a large “HACK!”

All of the pirates roared with protest when Stewie forced the top of the net open, reached inside, and grabbed the ghostly-white fairy forcefully. The other three combatants were charging to attack him, so Stewie leapt, squished Popeye to the ground, used his free hand to grab Fredrik’s head, then shoved him into Sprocket’s oven chest. The walrus screamed with his head on fire, laying a furious beatdown on the robot once he was out. With another amazing leap, Stewie went over the stadium’s roof and escaped into the jungle with Aisling in his arm.

“AFTER THEM!” Lord Licorice pointed furiously in Stewie’s direction. “Send all available crewmen to catch that monster and BRING BACK the fairy! And send some people to apprehend the Marzipan Pirates for…” He looked down at the field. “What? Where are they?!”

Augustus, Rallo, and Maggie seized the chance to run up to the defeated K. Lumsy. “Psst, hey Klumsy! Can you hear me?”

“Sniff… nooooo!” The giant Kremling was crying. A puddle of tears had already formed around his head. “I don’t wanda fight anymore! I wanda run away! I wanda run where no one will find me! Where no oned will be mean to me!”

“Well, not to sound self-centered, but we’re kind of in the same boat as you.” Augustus was telling him rushedly. “Our pirate crew is really tiny, but all these guys have been doing is ganging up on us! Help us escape, and you can join our crew!”

“No!” K. Lumsy shook his arms and legs like a baby. “I don’t wanda! You gonna make me fight! Dat’s what K. Rool bade me do! Dat’s what New Captain Mandy bade me do! Don’t bake be fight, too!”

“I won’t make you fight, I promise! Just get us outta here, you’re the only chance we got at escape!”

“There they are, let’s get ‘em!” A swarm of Slag and Hook Pirates were entering the ring.

K. Lumsy sniffled. “You won’t bake be fight?”

“No, I won’t bake bou fight- I bean, make you- JUST HELP US, PLEASE!”

“Mw-mw!” Maggie whipped out her guns to shoot the Hook Pirates while Rallo shot sonic waves at the Slag Pirates. Unfortunately, some of the pirates got through and grabbed hold of the helpless children.

K. Lumsy’s eyes widened at the cruel pirates’ actions (upside-down in his position). “LEAVE DOSE KIDS ALONE!” The giant Kremling jumped to his feet and reached down to grab the two babies. Afterwards, he grabbed Augustus and rushed to one of the stadium’s corners. The audience members screamed and cowered away when K. Lumsy climbed over them, then leapt over the roof to run across the jungle.

“This Davy Back Fight is suspended!” Lord Licorice announced. “All pirates are ordered to return to their ships and pursue the traitors! Take back the Fairy Princess at all costs!”

“A WORD about that, if you will.” Mandy grabbed Licorice’s arm and dragged him down into her ship.

“AAAH!” Lord Licorice was thrown into Mandy’s cabin. The woman shut the door as she entered. “What are you getting angry at me for?! I didn’t order them to take her!”

“But it was YOUR idea to capture Augustus and force him to compete! You said your plan to walk out of here with the fairy was foolproof.”

“With YOU in these games, how couldn’t it have been foolproof?! I let you be the scary, intimidating empress you are and ignore the technical rules so you could win the Fairy Princess. But I still had to make myself look good in front of these salty demons by bringing the grandson of the most despised pirate; not to mention, Mr. Augustus is still wanted by the Government. Perhaps if YOU hadn’t taken K. Klutzy and ordered him to fight, they wouldn’t have gotten away! I mean, sure we couldn’t have anticipated that Unbelievable Hulk trick, but even less reason I shouldn’t-”

Mandy kicked the Candy Lord in the face and knocked him against her throne. “You know what happens if you say ‘couldn’t’, ‘wouldn’t’, or ‘shouldn’t’ to me. Our deal was that you would help me take the Fairy Princess from Hook’s crew, and I would lend my demons to you to find and destroy the Lost Candies. Unless you would rather hunt for and destroy them yourself.”

“And I would just love to do that, if half of those candies weren’t so well-protected! His Majesty has tasked me with nothing more than to destroy those atrocities, but my candy-based resources are, shall we say… lacking in power. But I wouldn’t like His Majesty to know that. Just help me out, keep it a secret that I’m working with pirates, and no one else has to know you have the Fairy Princess. Besides, it’s not like we weren’t going to pursue and burn any crew that tried to steal her, don’t you agree?”

“Sigh… very well. But your story about the princess better have meaning behind it. Or you’ll regret it.” Mandy left the cabin on that note.

Lord Licorice helped himself up, fixed his hat, and straightened his bowtie. His eyes were shadowed under his hat. Working with pirates… the very idea is disgraceful. Just like when Big Brother John chose to leave the family and go pirating. Sure, I’m posing as their friend now… but I’ll have them dealt with soon enough.

Enclosed bay; two hours later…

The four pirate crews followed the trail of smashed trees to a cliffside looking over a large bay. There was no other sign as to where the giant Kremling could have gone. Dark gray clouds were appearing in the sky, and the heavy wind told them it would rain. “HUUUFF!” Mr. Smee emerged from the sea below. “I’m sorry, Cap’n, but the sea is too murky! I can’t see them anywhere.”

“Ohgh… Climb back up the ladder, Mr. Smee.” Captain Hook sighed. “It’s obvious that those scurvy brats have swum away with that overgrown reptile. We’ll never be able to find them in the storm. Let’s all hurry back and fix the Jolly Roger. Slag, you better call your men back, too.”

“Arrrr… he be right, old Hooky.” Slag sighed. “Mates, let’s go! Or we will rust.”

“Pardon me, Captain,” the Silver Bullet spoke, “but normally, crocodiles cannot swim very well in the ocean. And I highly doubt a reptile of his stature would get very far, let alone in this type of weather. They could still be in the bay. I could send my aqua drones to track them down.”

“Could ye now? Orright, then… Ay’ll leave it to you. But return to base when yer done.” Slag and his two Petes marched away.

The Silver Bullet grabbed his head and pulled it off… Underneath her helmet, she was a mouse girl with purple fur, who shook her long orange hair free. “Man, that thing is stuffy. Hokay then, time to find us some runaways…”

Seaside cave

After diving into the ocean, K. Lumsy swam around the bay and into a large cave. He climbed onto a shore and hacked the four Marzipans, plus Princess Aisling, out of his mouth. “Hooff, hoof…” The giant Kremling sat in the back of the cave to catch his breath. “I storry, guys. I didn’t know what to do…”

“Cough… It’s okay, big guy.” Augustus gasped. “At least we got away from them. …” He looked at Princess Aisling, whose white hair was wet with saliva, drooping over her face. When she sat up, Augustus gently moved her hair away to see her young, pretty face. “Are you okay?”

“Okay?!” Aisling smacked his hands away and stood up angrily. “I have been trapped in that smelly old ship for almost seven, months. Then this large brute of a mutant baby takes me away, and now I was chucked into the mouth of a similar creature. Of course I am not okay.” She folded her arms and turned away. “In fact, I have never been disrespected in such a manner for all my life. You’re lucky I had the right state of mind to calm your friend down.”

“Huff…huff…” Stewie was panting on the ground, his clothes ripped from using his Hulk form.

“I could feel that child’s pain inside his heart. Perhaps he was suffering in that form. It must be hazardous for him.”

“Um… Thanks.” Augustus said. “So, Fairy Princess… are you really a-”

“Yes, I am really the Forest Fairy Princess. You may call me Aisling. And I assume you wanted me for the same purpose as those other brutes.” She whipped around and shot her face into his, startling the teen boy. “Well, let me tell you.” She was glaring scoldingly. “My lifebending powers are unavailable at the moment. I have transferred the extent of my powers to somebody else.” She folded arms and turned away in a smug fashion. “You wasted your time.”

Augustus shook his head, “Er- Wait a second… does that mean you couldn’t restore my Haki?”

“HAKI?” Aisling shot back in his face again with a sarcastic shocked look. “Why would I be able to give you HAKI? Haki is something you learn, and no magic can make you master of something so wondrous as a martial art.”

“But I already WAS a master of Haki! I just lost it because of the Candy Virus!”

“Oh, yes, the infamous virus that plagued that dreadful Linlin Family. I’ve never seen anything so disgusting and unnatural. Even worse when I tried to study it. But your situation makes sense, because you still have fragments of the virus inside you.”

“Wait, I do?!”

“Of course you do. It’s not enough to cause too much damage, though. But don’t expect me to get it out for you. Such unnatural poison is beyond my power.”

“Oh…” Augustus looked away. Maybe I can find that girl again to get it out of me. But I’m not sure where she lives…

“But I guess I do owe you for saving me.” Aisling said. “So I will tell you who could remove it for you.”

“You could? Who?”

Aisling stood on her tippy-toes to get up in his face with wide eyes. “The Princess of Sugar Fairies.”

“. . . Why do you do that?”

“It’s better than what you do.” She backed away.

“But, Sugar Fairies… don’t those things hang out in the Cotton Clouds?”

“Well, they’re actually pretty sociable, especially in candy places. But I bet you don’t know where their homeland is.”

“Actually, I do.” Augustus began a new lollipop. “I’m just not sure how to find it.”

“Then I will help you. But we won’t be able to escape if those monsters are out there.”

“So, what’s your idea?”

Aisling tapped her chin in thought. She looked up at K. Lumsy, who had his arms wrapped around his legs. “I believe this creature can make do.”

Chapter Text

Bay cave near Cinnamon Jungle

“Ugh…” Stewie finally woke up, but the pain from using his Hulk form was still apparent. He noticed the small lake of ocean water that was shaking from the storm outside. They were inside a cave, very damp and dark. He then looked to the back of the cave: Augustus was rubbing a giant crocodile’s tummy, Rallo was cleaning his toes, and Maggie was scrubbing his teeth. “We’re sex slaves now, aren’t we?”

While the other three were performing these chores, Princess Aisling was standing on a platform and smiling at their progress. “Errrrgh! You said you had a plan to get us outta here with this guy!” Augustus yelled impatiently. “Why are we suddenly his servants?!”

“Honestly, humans are so selfish.” Aisling folded her arms. “This poor animal has endured horrible trauma in the past. Being forced to do things he never wanted to, I could feel all that anguish in his heart! You just made him a part of your crew. If you want to attempt to be a decent captain, you need to grow close with your crew. Mold your hearts and dreams into one. Understand them.”

Augustus looked at Stewie, remembering their conversation in the jungle. He remembered snuggling with the three children like a big brother protecting them from nightmares. “My whole crew is a babysitting service.” He sighed with exhaust. “So, Kuh…Lumsy.” He wasn’t sure which way to pronounce his name. “Are you feeling better?”

“Tee, heehee!” K. Lumsy giggled like a little kid. “I sto habbyyy! King K. Rool never rubs my tumbly. Or cleans my tootsies. Or-”

“Yeah ’kay okay okay.” Augustus didn’t wanna hear it out loud. “What did K. Rool make you do, anyway? You seemed pretty upset about working for them.”

“I was big giant croc from big giant land. I go down to little people land and make friends. They’re so cuuuute. But den dey got scared of me, and be’d mean to me, and dey hurt me, and den, sniff, boo hoo hoo hooooooo!”

K. Lumsy put hands over his sobbing eyes, and his shaking caused Augustus to lose balance and fall on his back on the giant’s belly. “(Honestly, I wanna feel sympathy for this guy, but it’s hard to.)” Augustus said to himself.

K. Lumsy sniffled before speaking again. “Den K. Rool came and said I could join his Krew. I dought he wanted to make friends, but he dust wanted be to be mean. I didn’t want to be mean, so he be’d mean to me. Why is everybody so meeeaaan?”

Why do YOU have a particular choice in letters? Augustus thought to himself. The captain got on his hands and knees to feel more stable on the croc’s belly. “Klumsy, I can tell you’re a big softy who doesn’t really like violence or hurting people. I said that I wouldn’t make you fight, and even though I was in kind of a rush, I don’t wanna go back on that. But I need my crew to be at their very best. I need you to be strong, not just to fight for us, but to protect us.”

“Bud I…I scared! I don’t like people being mean to me. I don’t wike being mean to people…”

“Sigh, I don’t know what to tell you, Big Guy.” Augustus took out his dried lollipop and threw it away. “But here’s how I look at it: if people push you around, sometimes you gotta push back. You might live by that moral with ‘Sticks and Stones’, and something about words, you might be proud of who you are and choose to show restraint… but sooner or later, you need to fight. If it’s to defend yourself or to defend your friends, you aren’t a bad guy for choosing to fight. Pacifists may act like they’re pure of heart, but often times, they get their selves killed for being what they are. You don’t have to like fighting, but it doesn’t mean you can avoid it.”

“But…But dou said..”

“I said that I wouldn’t make you fight, and I won’t. You have to choose to fight yourself. The best thing I can do for you as captain is let you choose.”

“Bud I…I afwaid to fight… If I don’t fight… will you be mean to be?”

I would hate to see your dialogue written out. Augustus thought. “No, I’m not going to be mean to you. I might yell orders or get mad at you, but I ain’t gonna be cruel like those K. Rool fools. So are you willing to fight to protect your new friends?”

“New… fwiends…” K. Lumsy sat his head up to face the little captain on his belly. “I wike… new fwiends…”

Augustus pulled out a lollipop, unwrapped it, and held it out to K. Lumsy. “New friends get lollipops. You want one?”

The giant reptile stared adorably at the little sweet. Augustus figured a big baby like him would love these things. He tossed the candy, which Klumsy gomped into his mouth.

They heard small splashing sounds, and Stewie was the first to see the robotic fish leaping out of the water. “Guys, we have trouble!” Stewie whipped out a ray gun and began shooting.

“Crud, they musta found us.” Augustus jumped off Klumsy and began chucking his Gobstopper at the robots, while Rallo boomed his stereos. “Fairy Brat, now would be a great time to do this plan o’ yours!”

Aisling jumped onto K. Lumsy’s belly and faced the croc. “I’m a little weak on magic as I am, Mr. Lumsy, so in order for this to work, I need your word that you will protect us with all of your willpower.”

“By new friends are nice to be… K. Lumsy won’t let meanies hurt them…”

“Wonderful.” Aisling reached behind her and grabbed a book that was stuck to her back, and otherwise hidden by her long white hair. Aisling sat on the giant’s belly and read a passage from Kells’ Book of Spells. “The young cub hides… in his cave from the dark… When the sun comes, the li…on… roars…” Aisling shone with an energy that flowed into K. Lumsy. The giant felt power coursing through his veins. “Though the Earth’s rage doth burn, all the land, green, and bark… The waves can’t… push… yon… is…land’s… shore…”

Outside, the Silver Bullet was standing on the cliff of the bay, withstanding the storm. “Captain.” She spoke to her communicator. “My Aqua Drones found them inside a secret cave, just around the northern point.”

“Excellent work, me wee Penny. By the time this storm clears, we’ll be the first crew ter nab them!”

“If we could get the sub ready, I’ll be happy to catch them myself. They don’t seem to have any… Wait.” She looked at the screen on her wristwatch, taken from one of the Aqua Drones. “It looks like they’re doing something. What kind of…”

Silver Bullet looked at the side of the bay where they were hidden. Suddenly, something burst out of the sea and began speeding across the surface like a speedboat, against the storms. K. Lumsy had gained a sudden boost in strength, and his arms moved like propellers as he swam. The four Marzipans held tight to his back, while Aisling squatted on the back of his head and faced forward with an excited smile. Her long white hair blew like a cape behind her. “Against the raging sea and unforgiving winds, find your true strength, noble beast!” the fairy declared.

“I have to admit, this is pretty awesome!” Augustus pushed up on all fours for a better view of the stormy horizon. The lightning glinted off his sunglasses. “You really think we can make it like this?”

“It will not be far, now!” Aisling yelled confidently. “Soon, we will reach the home of the Sugar Fairies! The Sugar Fairy Kingdom, where the Sugar Fairy Princess dwells! The Sugar Deserts!”

Through a hole in the clouds above, their movements were seen by an Aeralfos. This Aeralfos was perched on one of many giant, metal blimps in the sky. The winged monster flew into the captain’s quarters. “Your Highness, the Marzipan Pirates have begun to move. Should we signal Captain Mandy?”

“No.” The woman said. She was clad in black armor, had long and messy black hair, and wore a nightmarish smirk. “I like my prey when it’s good and warm. We’ll chase them ourselves. And wherever they plan to hide, we’ll burn it to the ground.”

Africa; Sugar Deserts

An indigo sky filled with stars hung over the Sugar Deserts. K. Lumsy finally arrived at the shore, panting in exhaust as the Marzipans plus Fairy Princess climbed off. “You did well, Mr. Lumsy.” Aisling told him softly, patting his snout. “You may rest.”

“I’m not sure out in the open is a good thing.” Augustus said. “He’s a real attention-attracter.”

“I agree, he’s very attractive- OW!” Stewie said, before Rallo smacked him.

“So why’re we here again?” Rallo asked.

“When I was little, my mom told me a story about the Sugar Fairy Kingdom in Sugar Deserts.” Augustus took out his lollipop, which was shriveled and close to completion. “It’s the same desert where the Candegyptians lived 5,000 years ago. Word is that the Sugar Fairies taught them their magic.”

“Of course, the legend of Sugar Fairy Kingdom was passed off as a fairytale.” Aisling followed, wiggling her toes in the sugary sand. “But I can assure you it is real. The Fairy Princess is a friend of mine.”

“Thanks for confirming that before I made the assumption ‘All Fairy Princesses know each other.’” Augustus put the lolli back in his mouth.

“Actually, she isn’t completely my friend. Our leader, Mavis adores her, but I find her very rude. And that’s beside all of this unnatural sugar! Uck, I can’t…” Aisling’s toes twitched in the sand, “STAND this substance! A desert must be composed of billions of tiny rocks, it is supposed to feel warm on your feet, but THIS sand is filled with SUGAR! UGH, it’ll take forever to wash it off!”

“It ain’t supposed to feel warm, it’s nighttime!” Augustus yelled, tossing the barren lolli stick away. “Although…” He got down and pressed the back of his hand to the sand. “It does feel a bit warm for night.”

“The Sugar Fairy Princess is a firebender.” Aisling explained. “Her chi flows into the sugar and creates an effect that invigorates those who consume it. In Sugar Kingdom, a river of the warmest cocoa flows and fills all the fairies with sugary delight. The warmth of that river touches the desert sand from below. It is underground.”

“The Fairy Kingdom is underground? So, do we dig there?”

“Only a Sugar Fairy can open the gate. But ordinarily, there’s one or two out getting a snack…”

The four Marzipans followed Aisling over a large dune, viewing a huge bar of chocolate lodged in the sand on the other side. They heard a weak, squeaky grunting sound as they approached the chocolate. They saw the shadow of something little trying to lift it.

_{“Mmm!… Mmm!…”} A Sugar Fairy wearing a white robe was trying to lift the huge candy. She heard the patter of large footsteps behind her and turned around. Aisling squatted for a closer look at the Sugar Fairy. _{“Oh! Big People! Hello, Big People. I was trying to take this candy to my friends, but I’m much too teeny to lift it. Perhaps your big arms could suffice.”}

“Yeeeah… I’m no Superman, sorry.” Augustus scratched his head. “Listen, can you take us to the Sugar Fairy Kingdom?”

“Always to the point with you, isn’t it?” Aisling glared reprovingly at him. “Sigh, I suppose I’m the only one who knows and practices the word ‘kindness.’” She turned back to the fairy with a polite smile. “Hello, Miss. My name is Aisling, the Forest Fairy Princess. I am acquainted with the Sugar Fairy Princess and request an audience with her. I would like to enter your homeland and bring these guests.”

_{“Ooo! I know you! The princess described you, Princess Forest Fairy. She said you were weird, and stinky, and ate your own fleas!”}

“SHE SAID WHAT ABOUT ME?!” Aisling growled with venomous fangs.

_{“Eeeeek!”} The fairy zipped and hid behind Augustus’s boot. _{“Please protect me, Mr. Giant! I don’t want my head yanked off!”}

“You know, things might be babyish, but boy, do I wanna eat ’em.” Augustus said with adoration.

Aisling calmed down and stood up straight. “Lucky for you, sugar is toxic to me. Now, would you show us the entrance to your hometown or won’t you?”

_{“I want to, People. I really do.”} The fairy’s adorable expression turned sad. _{“But it’s really, really bad. Monsters broke into our home. They want to eat all Sugar Fairies for lunch, breakfast, AND dinner!”}

“That’s not even the correct order!!” Rallo cried and pressed his face against Augustus’s pants leg. “PLEASE let’s help them, Captain!”

“Easy, Monty! ’Course we’re going to help. I have a few favors to ask the Sugar Princess, anyway. Take us to your homeland and we’ll sweep the floor with all them monsters.” Augustus started a new lollipop.

_{“We would appreciate that berry much, Big Person. A big and strong man like you is sure to beat hundreds of ’em! My name is Holly, the Helpful Sugar Fairy. I’ll let all of you into my home. Everybody stand together, and keep all hands and feets inside the circle.”} The Sugar Fairy pulled a larger-than-her candycane out of her pocket as she skipped away. She hummed a little, _{“Dee dee dee dee…”} as she began to draw a great wide circle into the sand around them.

“Man, if we about to shrink right now, I bet I be supeeeeerrr cute.” Rallo said.

“More like super inconvenient.” Augustus remarked. “Hey Forest Fairy, you ever been to the Sugar Fairy Kingdom? What’s gonna happen?”

“No, I’ve never been, I was just told you needed a Sugar Fairy to go there.” Aisling replied. “Truthfully, I would never want to come here even for your sake, but I have a few things to speak with the princess about as well.”

“Well, aren’t you lucky we came along.”

_{“Okay, Big People! The circly’s finished!”} Holly said. _{“Get ready to fall.”}

Almost instantly, the sand within the circle transformed into quicksand that they quickly sank into. They began rapidly sliding through a tunnel, unable to stand or balance on the slippery sand slope. Already, they thought this to be an odd choice of environment for adorable creatures like the Sugar Fairies. Living under the surface of a desert like scorpion-mole people, they couldn’t even imagine their kingdom looking cute.

They slid down for several minutes before they landed on a sandy bottom. They weren’t sure what to expect the area to look like… perhaps large, or even small teapots or gingerbread houses, stationed about an underground landscape and whose only source of lights were candles. …When they opened their eyes, the sight left them awestruck. (Play “Duplicitous Delve” from Yoshi’s Woolly World!)

The landscape was a chocolaty brown, there was a river of cocoa, and large teapots stationed around small gingerbread houses. But what really stood out was the sky. A purple sky with darker purple clouds hovered above them, and a white sun peeked over the horizon. _{“Tee hee hee! Don’t be fooled!”} laughed Holly. _{“Or a fly might fly into your gawking mouths. We use magic to make an underground sky. The sun shines on everything! Isn’t it beauteous?”}

“I’ll say!” Augustus beamed. “I can’t believe no one ever found this!”

Aisling sniffed, her expression dark. “Someone has. Demons. My least favorite scent.”

“We’ll wipe them out!” Augustus twirled his Candycane Cutlass, eager to explore. “Come on, brats, let’s march!”

Stage B-7: Sugar Kingdom

Mission: Meet the Sugar Fairy Princess.

Augustus jumped across a trio of platforms before stopping at a larger one, in which Leevers emerged from. The captain chopped the creatures with his sword. _{“That was beautiful swordplay, Big Person!”} Holly said admiringly. _{“Allow me to help you now!”} She danced over to a large cup of sugar on the right side of the foothold, scooping some in her tiny teaspoon and sprinkling it on Augustus’s Gobstopper. _{“Do you see those floating cubes in the air? You can fill them with sugar by hitting them with your ball thingy!”}

Augustus saw a row of floating outlines that shaped like cubes leading to a path on the left. The captain tossed his sugar-coated Gobstopper to bounce around the cubes, making them white and dense. The pirates could bounce across, but the sugary platforms dissolved as soon as they stepped on them, so they moved quickly. On this new path, rows of Pokeys popped out of the ground, with one of them in each row being taller. Augustus tossed his Gobstopper against the short ones’ heads while Maggie shot the heads off the tall ones.

The path turned left and would lead to a tall, climbable cliff. Nejirons popped out of the ground, so Maggie shot bullets to destroy the flammable monsters before they got close. They watched as Aisling used her nimble, animal-like reflexes to hop onto the wall that their path was between, sprinting up to the cliff and making terrific leaps to get up above. The Forest Fairy clearly didn’t need to wait for the slow humans and could bypass the whole stage if she wanted.

The cliffside was too sturdy for their Corn-Clambers to pierce into, so the safest option was to simply climb it with hands and feet. The babies held onto Augustus while he did the climbing, but when Red Bubbles (winged skulls encased in fire) flew down from over the top, Maggie shot directly up to destroy them. Thanks to her, they made it to the top of the cliff without trouble.

Three Lizalfos with wrecking ball tails ambushed them. They swung their so-called appendages at the pirates, while the babies dropped off Augustus so the captain could roll left and avoid. Augustus jumped and stomped down on a Lizalfos’s tail when it swung, then stabbed the Candycane Cutlass several times into its chest. The second Lizalfos tried to sink its teeth into Rallo’s afro, but the creature ended up biting a boombox unexpectedly, which then blasted loud notes to send the creature falling off the cliff. The third Lizalfos had its tail positioned to block Maggie’s gun, but the sniper simply shot a bullet to bounce off the ball’s bottom, then pierce the creature’s stomach.

The triplet demons dispersed into darkness. Augustus noticed pirate flags were stationed and blowing in a weak breeze. They bore the image of a frowning skull with yellow hair. “Wait a second, this is Mandy’s Jolly Roger!” Augustus realized. “Don’t tell me the Boogey Pirates got here before we did?!”

_{“I dunno the answer, Big Person.”} Holly frowned. _{“They been here since yesterday. I dunno why.”}

The four Marzipans progressed down a narrow, winding path down a hill. They were brought to the Cocoa River, where Holly waited by a tiny boat. _{“To cross the Cocoa River, we have to take my tiny boat! Eat a Shrink Sweet to become as tiny as me.”}

Augustus picked out four Shrink Sweets from a close-by patch, and the four pirates each ate one. Their bodies contracted to Holly’s adorable size, so they could board her boat, which she rowed down the river using her teaspoon. She had to shift the boat left to avoid a mini waterfall of sugar from a teapot, then moved the boat right to avoid another one. Aisling was sitting on the left cliff and watching the boat’s progress, swinging her feet back-and-forth above them.

Holly carefully turned the boat around corners of a narrow part of river. This part let out in a region of breathmint-bergs, which Holly maneuvered around. Fly Guys were swooping down to scoop cocoa into bowls, so Holly predicted their position and took care to avoid them, too – lest they be caught and dumped into a mini volcano. They were steadily being pulled into whirlpools, so Holly abandoned the boat and hopped across some large Life Savers that were floating and twirling in the river. The Marzipans followed her before the boat sank.

They made it onto a safe platform with Growth Gum, allowing the humans to grow back to normal. A Fly Guy floated down, holding a bowl of sugar as he used a spoon to fling it at them. Augustus KO’ed the Shy Guy with his Gobstopper, and Holly floated and caught the bowl. She sprinkled sugar on Augustus’s Gobstopper, then he chucked it at the Sugar Cubes floating in the cocoa. The group jumped the cubes to a land with a jellybean garden. _{“Aaaaahhh!”} A Sugar Fairy with green garden clothes, which had tiny colorful jellybeans, was flailing her arms. _{“Mean rats stole my Magic Jellybeans! Help me, Oversized People!”}

They saw a rat scampering around the small, nearby field, and surprisingly it was too quick for Maggie’s bullets to blast. In each corner, there were four mouse holes that warped to other holes, but the mouse would just run around the center if they were all guarding one. Rallo decided to stick his head into the ground and shake the earth with boombox, forcing a mini maze to sprout up on the field. With less directions to go, the rat ended up cornered by Rallo, who took the Magic Jellybean.

They followed a back road that sloped down into a narrow trench, where numerous rats were crawling around a maze of tunnels within the right wall. When Augustus threw his Gobstopper at one rat, they all panicked, moved quickly in disorganized fashion, and then slowed down. Augustus saw one rat toss a jellybean to another rat, so he struck that one with the Gobstopper. Another rat grabbed it, and they scattered around again. Augustus had to track the correct rat, then do one more round, before the Magic Jellybean was thrown down to him.

On the east side from the center field, there was a rat riding a mini skateboard around a looping track. Maggie hopped on a bigger, available skateboard to chase. She went up a ramp and performed a midair pose, landing on a platform which led her down a slope to gain speed. She turned a tight left corner, rolling on a path with long vertical gaps she could maneuver around. Maggie jumped a few platforms, seeing the next turn coming, where she had to go up a corner ramp, shift left, and gain more speed upon sliding down. Just when she would pass the starting line again, she caught the rat and took his jellybean.

When the Marzipans returned to bring the beans back to the gardener fairy (whose name was Lila Green), Aisling was there to meet them. Lila took the beans and put them in the soil. “So if you’re the Forest Fairy, can you make them grow?” Augustus asked.

“Candy beans, that’s a stretch.” Aisling huffed.

_{“Don’t worries.”} Lila said. _{“To show my graciousness, I’ll create a path!”} She watered the beans with soda, and a long beanstalk stretched across part of the Cocoa River. Large, standable beans grew on the stalk, but they were too far apart to jump normally. Thankfully, Lila lent them some Bounce Gum she had planted, and they used the extra bouncepower to get across the leaves (though Aisling had no qualms running across the stalk on all fours).

They landed on a foothold before a long trench, in which several huge teapots were lodged in and pouring sugar. Aisling nimbly Wall Jumped down the trench, but the humans were forced to bite a Fudgepuffsicle from a bushel. They slowly floated down the trench in their inflated forms, having to go through the sugar downpours to shift lower. If they missed the sugar, they would float into stationary Eye-Cones (eyeball monsters with ice cream cone spikes), though some sugar-pours would push them into Eye-Cones if they sunk too low.

Their bodies deflated once they made it to safe ground. They trekked a dry path between sugar-covered ground, which looked more like snow. They smiled at the Sugar Fairies who were shoveling sugar into their teapot carriages, making sugar snowmen, and other adorable snow-related activities. In an open area, three Fatblin were standing guard, with one of them using a metal shield. Augustus dashed up to the left one and chopped up its wood shield with his cutlass. He expertly dodged his and the metal shield’s spears, then chopped the wood shield of the right one.

“Hey Ralls, time for a science lesson!” Augustus grabbed the afro child, who extracted his stereos as the teen shoved them against the Fatblins’ bellies. Rallo boomed his stereos, and the powerful soundwaves jiggled the fat to the point that the monsters hacked junk, then exploded. As for the Metal Shield Fatblin, Augustus leapt up and over its choice defense, shoving his Gobstopper down its throat. The demon choked and fell over dead. When his body disappeared, the captain could take the Gobstopper back.

_{“Up there is the Sugar Palace where Princess Sugar Fairy lives.”} Holly pointed at a giant teapot perched above a large canyon. _{“We just have to climb this gihugic rock!”}

There were Moblin patrolling in the pass between the trench, wielding spears that had Mandy’s pirate flag. Maggie shot them each in their big pig noses, and one bullet was all it took to take them out. The pirates used their Licoropes to rope candycane branches sticking out of the left trench wall, swinging up to a higher ledge that had a tunnel in the wall. They followed it to the opposite side of this trench wall, which overlooked a chasm of cocoa. Partway across the chasm, on a tall pillar, a Sugar Fairy was shooting the side of a cliff on their left with soda. _{“That’s Calcy, the Cannon Fairy. She’ll help you swing across!”} Holly said.

A jellybean vine wall stretched across that part of cliff, with drooping branches that stretched when Calcy hit them with soda. The pirates swung the stretched branches with their Licoropes, keeping an eye for which ones were stretched, and swinging off the ones that were about to droop. Orange Soda Chuchu appeared on some areas, so Augustus sliced them with his cutlass. Snapdragons also popped out of holes to eat a few branches, forcing the pirates to make greater swings to further branches. Aisling was casually laying a small ledge above the vine wall, swaying her head and foot to the music.

Eventually, the vines brought them to a safe ledge, where they went up a short staircase to get atop the left trench wall. Eenos were roaming within the sugary snow, hurdling sugarballs at the explorers, but Augustus’s Gobstopper proved stronger in knocking them out. Conveniently, his Gobstopper got drenched in the sugar, so he could throw them at the Sugar Cubes leading across to the top of the right trench wall. Suddenly, Aisling leaped across from the left wall and raced toward the Sugar Palace, making a great leap to the top of the teapot. There were Sir Sugars (Sir Slushes made of sugar) guarding the stairs to the Sugar Palace. Again, it took one hit from the Gobstopper on their top-hat weak points to defeat the monsters. The adventurers went up the stairs to the Sugar Palace.

_{“Oopsie!”} Holly perked up. _{“The door is too tiny for Big People! You have to go from up above!”} She skipped around to behind the teapot, where a ladder was hanging. The sign read For Big People, so the four climbed it to the top of the pot… which they just realized those two words were the same, backwards. Aisling was squatted on the pot, looking down into it with a curious smile. The Forest Fairy dove inside, Holly lightly jumped after, then Augustus grabbed his crew and took the dive next.

For some reason, they expected to hit a ground inside the two-story teapot, but instead, they plummeted down a surprisingly long shaft. There were numerous floors around the sides and stairs that kept spiraling down, with Sugar Fairies walking on them. They watched Aisling maneuver around the air as she fell ahead, avoiding the Eye-Cones that floated in the drop. Mothulas attempted to gnash the pirates, but Augustus was quick to chop them with his cutlass. He shifted left of a diagonal Eye-Cone row that closed the space between him and the side, but he grabbed a Gold Wonka Bar after getting through. He shifted to the center, where the space between the Eye-Cones grew tighter, but when Augustus got through, he felt his boots hit the floor. He set the babies down as they followed Holly and Aisling through a human-size doorway. (End song.)

_{“Welcome to Sugar Fairy Palace!”} Holly announced to the humans. The palace interior was mostly white with a few chocolate-colored pillars and tiles. Augustus reached up and touched the ceiling while Aisling brushed her feet on the floor. It felt like fine china, except harder and sturdier. Naturally, the palace felt small and cramped to the big humans, as Sugar Fairies were roaming the low floor and a second floor which they had view of.

_{“Look, everybody! Big People!”}

_{“Oh, Em, Gee! They’re so silly and fun-looking!”}

_{“That one looks like a football! Will he go spin if I throw him?”}

_{“I wanna snuggle and cuddle in that chocolate one’s fluffy black hair!”}

“I wanna get mad at you for calling me that, but I just wanna eats you more!” Rallo exclaimed in adoration.

_{“The white one smells stinky!”}

_{“Can we give that baby milk?”}

_{“Do you like cookies, Big People?”}

All of them were equally tiny, equally cute, and equally squeaky. The humans’ hearts were melting; these fairies were just too adorable for words. They wondered if they were actually feeling this way or if this was some hypnotic spell. “Ahem… Good evening, Sugar Fairies.” Aisling bowed (slightly lower than she already was). “We would like to speak to your princess. It would be very kind of you to take us to her.”

_{“EWWWWW! HER BREATH IS STINKY!!”} All of their teeny eyes shut tight, and their teeny noses were covered.

“SO CUUUUUTE!” the humans screamed.

Aisling’s eyes narrowed with anger. “Just show us.” she said through gritted teeth.

_{“This way, my new chummy-wummies!”} Holly skipped forward. _{“The princess will be scrumptious to see you!”}

The giants crawled through another human-size door and went up stairs to an even larger, cave-like room. There was a big teapot on a central pillar, and sugar was pouring into it from the ceiling. The tip of the pot’s spout glowed white. There was a gentle pop, and a sugary white light came out and floated to them. The light decreased and revealed the Sugar Fairy Princess. She had brownish-black hair in two pigtails, and an orange dress with chibi white boots. Her adorable slanted purple eyes were complimented by a grumpy-looking frown.

The teeny fairy skipped across the air toward the pirates, carrying her big ladle. She floated before Augustus’s face, who was smiling delightfully at the creature. She whacked him on the head with the spoon. “What’re you, dum? Bow to me!” she yelled in a cute, but hotheaded tone.

“Ow!” Augustus rubbed the sore spot. “What gives?”

“You’re bigger than me! I don’t like that. Bow to me so you appear smaller.”

“You’re delightful as always, Princess Zeira.” Aisling remarked.

“P.U.! I thought I smelled something stinky!” Zeira waved a chibi hand by her chibi nose. “What’re you doing here, Aisling? Did you bring these humans?”

“Yah, she did.” Augustus replied rudely. “Feel free to thank us for chasing the monsters off. I’ll name ya a few ways you can reward us. One, I had this Candy Virus for a short time, and it-”

A burst of fire emerged from Zeira’s head and sides, startling the five. Despite the fairy’s size, the spouts were huge and very hot. “You’ll show respect in my presence.” The fires vanished. “And for your information, I already know who you are, Augustus. The Big Mom Pirates are very infamous in the Sugar Fairy community. My people were berry much terrified of them.”

“I’m berry much tired of your attempt at being cute by using cute words that normal people wouldn’t use in the current CONTEXT!” Augustus folded his arms. “Listen, the Big Mom Pirates are gone. We’re the Marzipan Pirates and we’re different. Our number one goal is to have adventure, and adventure calls us to find the Lost Candies.”

“What? Why do you want to find the Lost Candies?”

“To see if they exist.” Augustus pulled out his barren lollipop stick and threw it away.

“The Lost Candies are ancient and sacred relics. They aren’t meant to be found or used by anyone.”

“Neither were the Sugary Wonders, but that didn’t stop my whole ancestry from finding them countless times throughout history.”

“The Sugary Wonders were originally created to reward the Kids Next Door. But we Sugar Fairies are protectors of the Lost Candies, and our job is more than difficult.”

“That explains it, ’cause you don’t do it well.” Augustus retorted, starting a new lollipop. “The Sun Cream up on Buttermilk Building was destroyed by Lord Licorice.”

“W-What?!” Zeira was taken aback. “That’s impossible! How could anyone-”

“AAAAAAHHHHH!” Adorable, high-pitch screams rang from the palace foyer, and sapphire flames burned into the chamber. A Sugar Fairy rushed in, looking frantic. _{“Princess, Princess! Big mean Big Monsters are- EYAAAH!”} She ran when a blue flame was thrown at her.

“It doesn’t even feel satisfying to trample over your land.” A woman with black armor and messy black hair marched in with Flare Dancers at her beckon. “No defenses, no military… it’s amazing how long you’ve gone without anybody conquering you.”

Zeira floated between the Marzipans and the woman. “Who are you?” she asked with an angry chibi glare. “Are you with these Big Lugs or the monsters outside?”

“No way!” Augustus pushed the fairy aside for a better look. “You’re one of Mandy’s pirates! The Princess Azula from the Avatar Realms! You have a bounty of 76,000 gold pieces!”

Zeira gasped. “Of course! I once saw a wanted poster of her. She has a reputation for burning any town or landscape she walks upon. Azula the Blue Demolisher.”

“The princess has heard of me, I’m flattered.”

“Don’t be. You look a lot uglier than on the poster, and fatter, too.” Zeira snapped.

“WHAT?!”

“I don’t like you. I want you out of my house RIGHT NOW!” Zeira blasted a massive breath of fire, but Azula sucked it right down her throat. When the fire stopped, she wiped her lips of imaginary crumbs.

“I’ve mastered Dragon Style bending.” Azula smirked. “The ability to eat outside sources of my element and strengthen my chi. I’ve always been the strongest firebender in the Fire Nation, and my title stands to this day! But no matter how much I train, how strong I become, I can’t achieve LOGIA.” Blue flames burst from her arms when she shouted. “I don’t understand what I’m doing WRONG.” She burst again. “I know Dragon Style, and my chi evolved to Sapphire when I turned 11, so why after 20 years, I still can’t make LOGIA!” Fire burst from her mouth.

“Maybe that’s because you suck.” Zeira said.

Angered, Azula Rocket Boosted over and snatched the fairy, startling the others with her speed. “I bet you’re just BURNING with chi, you little fire ant!”

“Hey, let me go!” Zeira shook adorably. Her chibi arms were fragile and powerless like that of a doll’s. “Stop holding me!”

“I bet swallowing you is just the kind of burst I need to finally make Logia. Happy landings!” She moved the helpless fairy to her open mouth.

Augustus SLICED Azula’s wrist and forced her to let go. The former princess jumped away and growled at the teen. “Hey, perra. Don’t you know cannibalism is wrong?”

“I used to cook and eat the turtle-ducks that swam around in my castle’s pond.” Azula said viciously. “I’ll eat what I want! And a queen of my status deserves the highest quality dessert.”

“Why don’t you get a taste of me?” Augustus cocked a brow. “I’ve been eating dessert all my life, I bet I’m just sensuous.”

“Hn hyou’re gonna challenge me?” Azula chuckled. “You may have worked for the Big Mom Pirates, but you’re still a child. Even the Avatar had more resolve than you.”

“You still couldn’t beat ’im. And you ain’t beating me, either!”

“We’ll see. Flare Dancers!” The four graceful flame demons leapt beside their master. “Let’s DANCE!” (Play “Here Comes the Grizz” from Sly Cooper: Thieves in Time.)

Boss fight: Azula

The Flare Dancers skated circles around Azula to create a ring of fire, and when Azula jumped through the fire, she pulled it along with her as she skated to Augustus. The teen ducked the left giant fire whip, then jumped her right one, but as Azula turned, she kicked a foot back and sent Augustus several meters. The boy recovered and rolled aside when Azula tossed flames at him, attempting to swing his cutlass at her, but Azula smacked the weapon away and kicked Augustus the opposite way. Grinning maniacally, the woman drew a knife, skating to Augustus while he was recovering. “AUUUHH!” The lollipop flew out of his mouth when he choked. Azula forced the knife against his neck and pushed him away.

“CAPTAIN!” the Baby Trio screamed. (“Mw-mw!”)

Augustus grunted and helped himself up. “Wh…” He felt the part on his neck where she cut. “I’m not cut!”

“You’re welcome.” They all looked over at Aisling, who was sitting cross-legged and positioning her hands to face Augustus. Her book was open beside her.

“What are you doing?”

“We Forest Fairies provide special defense to human children. I can make it so your body doesn’t get ruptured from attacks that would cut or burn you. You’ll still feel pain, but these attacks won’t be fatal.”

“Fine, I’ll take. But for the record, I’m no child, I’m a teenager.”

“The Baby Trio is older than you. There’s no more difference.”

“DON’T interfere!” Azula skated over to burn the fairy, but Zeira exploded a flame wall to block her.

“Don’t ignore me!” Augustus dashed up and punched Azula in the face, but she back-flipped, crouched, and did a breakdance fire shockwave. Augustus jumped and ran at Azula to swing more punches across her face, then the woman kicked on her rockets and flew away. The Flare Dancers surrounded Augustus and began to close in as they skated. The captain bounced his Gobstopper in his hand before hurling it at one of the dancers’ heads. Their formation broke when its flame body disabled, leaving the roundish imp that was its real body.

The imp ran away when Augustus ran over, but the teen bypassed to grab his fallen cutlass. He then chased the Flareless Dancer and stabbed it multiple times before its body exploded. Augustus was hurt from the explosion, but no injuries were present thanks to Aisling’s spell. The other three Flare Dancers glided over to kick him, but Augustus dodged aside, then raised his cutlass to defend from Azula’s knife. She kicked her left foot up, but the teen boy jumped away from the flaming limb, then successfully struck the woman’s face with his Gobstopper.

Azula skated away, lighting her whole body with sapphire flames as she sent wave after wave at her opponent. Augustus jumped them all, and Azula steadily maneuvered closer. The room turned dark when the firebender charged lightning in her hands. She waved her arms to channel her flow of chi, then was ready to strike her adversary. With fearless determination, Augustus dashed at the lady pirate, ready to slice her, but Azula jabbed her fingers at his chest and induced him with lightning.

“AAAAAHH!” In his weak moment, Azula punched him away. His body was still twitching from the shock.

“How long’s that magic gonna last?” Rallo questioned.

“It won’t hold up if he takes too many attacks.” Aisling answered, still focusing her power despite Zeira’s flame wall barrier. “He needs to be more careful.”

_{“I feel so worried!”} Holly yelled with adorable sad eyes. _{“I wish I could help, but I’m so teeny!”}

“And he doesn’t have Haki.” Stewie said. “I’m not sure if he can beat her…”

Azula leaped, flipped in the air, and brought a flaming foot down on Augustus, but he grabbed the pirate’s leg and swung her forward, slamming facefirst on the ground. Augustus recovered and ran when Azula got up and growled angrily. She thrusted flames out of her feet and hands and flew at him, ramming Augustus headfirst and smashing him against the wall. She jumped away and tossed fireballs, so Augustus ran leftward from her direction. The Flare Dancers skied at him from ahead, brimming emerald, and Augustus felt the light singe when he dove between two of them. When they circled and came back, Augustus ran to stab his cutlass into one of them. He jumped away before the dancer exploded.

The remaining two Flare Dancers morphed their embers to sapphire. “They can’t do much with only two.” Azula said. “Get over here, one of you.” A Flare Dancer obeyed and skated over. Azula puckered her lips and sluuuuuurped its fiery body down her lungs. The imp that remained skittered away as blue flames leaked out of the cracks in Azula’s armor.

“Wait a second, aren’t those creatures made of Underworld flames?” Augustus asked. “That’s dangerous for normal firebenders!”

“It is!” Azula spoke devilishly. “But I LOVE hellfire! It’s DELICIOUS!” A rocket burst from her back as she launched at Augustus, who raised his hands and grabbed hers. Azula kept flying and pushing him along, dodging her head when he punched his left fist, then head-butting him. Azula grabbed the dizzy teen by the legs and swung him around before hurling him away. Augustus got up to see Azula rocketing to him again, eyes full of madness, so he chucked his Gobstopper at whipping speed and struck her in the teeth. He then dodged aside to let her crash into a wall.

The teen captain ran at her from behind to furiously punch the back of her head. He then grabbed his cutlass and swung to cut, but the Fire Princess grabbed the candycane blade and melted it in her hand. She turned to him, and through the black bangs blocking her eyes, Augustus could see the undying fury. She punched him with Flame Fist, flying the boy back. She flew above him and pelted rapid fireballs, with Augustus withstanding the first few before rolling away. He grabbed his Gobstopper, flipping back when Azula punched down, then slamming the small hard sphere against her teeth. Augustus kicked her leg to knock her down, then threw the Gobstopper at her face again.

“THAT’S IT!” Azula snarled like a wild beast. “I’ll burn EVERY shred of matter on your form so nothing remains!” She looked at the remaining Flare Dancer, whose body morphed into violet flames. She inhaled with as powerful a gust as Kirby, sucking the purple fire in.

“A Sapphire Firebender shouldn’t even be able to use violet flames!” Augustus yelled.

“I will become LOGIA!” Purple flames leaked out of Azula’s armor now. She punched bigger, hotter flames, so the best Augustus could do was dodge. “Nn, nn!” Augustus took a few hits, then Azula punched a greater flame from both fists to blow him back. “AAAH!”

“Ahhh!” Aisling grunted and fell on her side.

“What happened?” Zeira asked, dropping the flame wall.

“My magic’s worn off. His body is vulnerable now.”

_“Oh…” Holly looked at the human boy with worry.

Azula stomped toward the captain with her arms drooped. “Cough, huh…” Her legs faltered, feeling overwhelmed by the violet fires.

“Heh… Feeling a bit sweaty?” Augustus smirked from his spot on the ground.

“I’ll show you SWEATY!” Azula drew her knife and wobbled over to end her enemy. Augustus tried to stand- “Nnnn!” but he felt the pain catch up to him.

Azula bore a devilish smile. She would take sweet pride in slaying the Davy Back Fight deserter, Big Mom’s grandson, and get basked in the glory from her fellow pirates. The viewers were horrified at the thought of Azula’s victory, but Holly especially couldn’t bear to let the human die. _{“Big Person!!”}

“Holly, wait!” Zeira yelled when the tiny fairy danced over to Augustus. Azula swung her knife at the boy’s neck, but Holly jumped in the way just in time. (End song.)

The upper half of the Sugar Fairy’s body flew up into the air. Blood flew out of her. The entire event was so sudden and shocking, time appeared to slow down. When Holly’s body hit the ground, she was faced upward. A smile was still on her face, and her eyes, though lifeless, were still big and adorable.

“. . . .” Azula stared at the dead fairy. Her yellow eyes, still brimming with madness, were twitching. “Huff-huff…” The tears formed almost against her will. All of a sudden, her emotions were beyond her control. “SNIFF.” Azula fell to her knees. She couldn’t keep from crying, pouring out her emotions. She couldn’t comprehend the severity and cruelty of her actions. She was utterly helpless to her own feelings.

Augustus, the babies, Zeira, and Aisling were crying. It was a horrible thing to happen. She was such a small creature… a small and innocent person… Holly, a kind and friendly fairy who helped total strangers like them across the kingdom. They were so grateful for her aid. They would’ve wished for anything better than this. Sugar Fairies were happy beings that filled peoples’ hearts with glee. They reminded people that there was joy and meaning in life. So seeing one on the ground, dead… her expression gone unchanged… it opened their hearts and minds to everything.

Aisling felt a tiny tap on her shoulder. She turned to see Zeira, tears leaking from her tiny purple eyes. Zeira held her arms open, so Aisling took her in both hands and brought her to her chest. Aisling hugged her little friend with warmth. They remembered how much they loved each other, even if they fought. The kind of love that Princess Mavis wanted all creatures to share.

After 10 more minutes, they were mostly calmed down. Aisling released Zeira as she floated to Augustus. “Sniff… I almost forgot to… th-thank you… for saving me.”

“It was no trouble.” Augustus choked on his breath. “I’m sorry for… what happened…” They all looked at Azula. She was bowed on her hands and knees, creating a puddle with her tears. “I didn’t think… someone like her would cry over this…”

“Everyone cries… when a Sugar Fairy dies.” Zeira sniffled. “She killed her… so she’ll cry for a week… if not longer. Sniff…” She faced Augustus again. “Listen… I decided that I’ll help you. Is it true that you’re looking for the Lost Candies?”

“We are… sniff.” Augustus wiped the last tears away. “I’m trying to find them… for a friend.”

“A friend?” Zeira looked confused under her tears. “Who… What friend? Almost nobody knows about the Lost Candies. The World’s Leaders destroy any reference to them.”

“Well, whoever Luviro’s abuela is, she knew about them.”

“Lu…viro?” The name sounded familiar to Zeira. She shook her head and spoke again. “Augustus… Have you ever heard of the Avalaran story called ‘Fairy Sisters’? The story talks about three Fairy Princesses, who are Aisling and her two friends, but there’s an extra chapter that talks about a fourth sister, me. The only reference to the Lost Candies is that chapter, but when the Illuminati appeared roughly 4,000 years ago, they tore out those pages. I think I know the reason. Augustus, do you know what’s going to happen at the end of this month?”

“This month? At the end of this month, Luviro’s gonna die. He’s terminally ill, and he wants to see the Lost Candies before it happens.”

“…I see…” Zeira was clearly suspicious of his reason, though Augustus couldn’t imagine why. “Listen, Augustus, I want you to find the Lost Candies. There are six of them. They were created by Giants from a world called Termina. One of the candies happens to be my teapot home.” She gestured up at the giant teapot she came out of. “It contains a limitless storage of the purest sugar, and that sugar is what you’ll need. I’ll give it to you after you manage to find the other five candies.”

“This sugar is what Luviro called the Sugar Fuel?” Augustus recalled from Luviro’s story.

“Yes, it is. Now, I can’t tell you everything, and I can’t leave my homeland during this crisis. But as the Sugar Fairy Princess, I will be happy to grant you three wishes.”

“Nice try, girl,” Rallo said, “we know you aren’t a genie-”

“GOOD.” Augustus shouted with relief. “My first wish is to get these Candy Virus fragments out of my body!”

“I thought I sensed something weird in your bloodstream. Very well.” Zeira put her spoon inside a pot of purple sugar, then waved it around as it glittered. “For the big, rude man, your wish is my command!” She whooshed the sugar over Augustus, who coughed.

The teen stared at both sides of his hands. He balled his fists and tried to channel his willpower. “It didn’t work, I still can’t use Haki!”

“It DID work, I’m not sensing the candied cells in your blood, anymore.” Zeira stated. “Your stomach, though…”

“Perhaps the Haki needs to return to you naturally.” Aisling said. “You may have to learn it all over again…”

“My ass, I have to. Whatever, Wish Number 2: There’s a really big guy outside. He’s a giant crocodile, but he’s a total softy. I’d like to take him with us, but… sigh, it would just be really difficult. Do you think you guys can give him a home here, so we know where to find him ’case we need him?”

“I guess I’ll make room. Okay, you have one wish left. What is it?”

Augustus smirked. “I wish my Ace Flyer plane would materialize beside me.”

Zeira whirled her purple sugar and threw it into a POOF, and a hideous, broken-down two-person plane appeared. “Uhhhh…” Augustus tried to find the words. “Not the greatest teleport spell…”

“For your information, my teleporting’s spot-on!” Zeira flushed. “…Mostly. Anyway, your plane was probably already like this. Where did you last park it, on a freeway?”

“…On Licorice’s ship.” Augustus sighed. “I guess they would go kinda agro on it. Too bad I can’t wish it fixed.”

“Zeira, I also came here because I wanted to ask you a few things.” Aisling spoke up. “The Lost Candies happened to be one of them. You were planning to bring them together… weren’t you?”

“I tried, but Lord Licorice’s men have been securing most of them, and now they have the Sun Cream, too. They’re making certain that we can’t collect them.”

“I feared as much… Well, are you still planning to come to Mavis’s tea party?”

“Sure I am!!” Zeira flailed her chibi arms happily. “Mavis makes the yummiest tea! But Aisling, I want you to help these humans for a little longer. Humans, I’ll do you one more favor. I’ll warp you to the location of one of the Lost Candies. Specifically, the Rock Nut.”

“Rock Nut?!” Augustus jumped. “According to Luviro’s story, that was the first candy ever created on Earth! It’s old as time itself.”

“That would be accurate. That’s why I’ll send you all to the only place you can find it. I’ll also send Aisling along so she can help bring you back.”

“Why would we need her for that, exactly?”

“You’ll see.” Zeira waved her ladle of purple sugar. “Thanks for fighting the monsters for us. We should be able to take care of Azula while she’s like this, so don’t worry. Happy travels.” She threw the sugar over the Marzipans, Aisling, and the airplane.

When the sugar cleared away from their vision, they found their selves on a solid ground between two large stone mounds. “…Um… She said she’d send us to the location.” Rallo said as they all shared his baffled expression. “But did she say when?”

Raptors raced across the near-barren landscape, pterodactyls soared in the sky, and a T-rex managed to snatch an unsuspecting raptor in its teeth. “You think there’s a chance we can hitch a ride on Dinosaur Train?” Augustus asked.

Chapter Text

Boogey Bay

Two Moblins carried Azula by the arms and brought her into Mandy’s dark cabin. The Fire Princess was still sniffling and crying; she had run out of tears, and her yellow eyes looked dehydrated. “Azula, what in Hell’s name has gotten into you?” Mandy asked.

“She accidentally killed a Sugar Fairy when she aimed for Augustus.” one of the impish Flare Dancers replied in its high, hoarse voice. “I guess that legend about them is true. They really do force you to cry!”

“Hmmm…” Mandy reached under Azula’s chin to make her face up. She studied her drying eyes. “Some kind of post-mortem spell, huh? Well, maybe this will cure it.” Her eyes lit with fear, and Azula reacted to the Scare Stare.

A seven-year-old Azula stood before her towering father, flames burning behind him. He smacked Azula for failing her lessons. Mai and Ty Lee betrayed her because they loved Zuko more. Her servants and soldiers betrayed her. She was renowned as the worst Fire Lord…

Azula was now shivering from imaginary cold, her eyes remained forced open wide. “Take off her armor, and bring her something to drink.” Mandy ordered.

The Moblins sat Azula on a bed and tore off her black armor. She only had a black bra and underpants underneath. There were scars around her body. “You took more than your current body heat would allow.” Mandy deduced as she poured some wine down Azula’s throat. “One of your biggest fears was imperfection… so you desperately seek to become Logia, a perfect firebender. That’s one of the things I liked best about you.” Mandy gestured with her hand for the other demons to leave. They obeyed and shut the door, making the cabin darker.

She had Azula lie down on the bed, rolled away from the captain as she quivered. “Your actions were reckless, but necessary, of course. Becoming a Logia means risking your life in your own element. If you’d digested just a bit more violet flames, you might have made it. Or… maybe you wouldn’t have. Perhaps we’ll find out in time.” Mandy shrugged.

“Are you about through wasting our time?” Lord Licorice questioned, walking out of the darkness.

“Well, for a minute, I was wondering if you were actually helping.” Mandy turned to him while drinking some rum.

“The Sugar Fairy Kingdom is just within our grasp! We can easily overpower those puny and pathetic creatures, destroy the core of their sugar, and secure both the Forest and Sugar Fairy Princesses.”

“The Flare Dancers told me that the Sugar Fairy warped the Forest Fairy and the Marzipans away. Storming their kingdom won’t do me any favors.”

“I said, we could destroy, their SUGAR Fuel!” Lord Licorice spoke insistently, stomping closer to Mandy with each emphasized word.

“You SAID you would give me the FOREST Fairy!” Mandy said with a deadly glare, inches from Licorice’s face. “You said that with Princess Aisling’s powers over life, I could become my own Grim Reaper! I could bring to life all the world’s evil pirates and force them to my whim! So unless your promises hold true to their word, I could care less about demolishing a silly fairytale kingdom!”

Lord Licorice gritted his teeth, drawing his gun to aim it at Mandy. “I… am The King’s apprentice. I, the most humble and generous Lord Licorice, am allowing you pirates to have fun. I can apprehend you now and haul you to Mariejoa… but I’m not. And all I’m asking of you… is to burn those wretched Sugar Fairies to ash.”

Mandy moved her glaring eyes closer to Licorice, who calmly backed up in fear. “The Grim Reaper told me… who The King is… and I have to wonder… Are you really not arresting me out of generosity? Or is it because… I’m a McKenzie?”

A sweatdrop trickled down Licorice’s face. The gun trembled in his hand as he took small steps back. “The ultimate flaw…” Mandy spoke again, “with rulers and officials alike… is that they always show bias… for the ones they hold dear.”

“…” Licorice sighed and regained his composure. He put his gun away and prepared to leave the cabin. As he stood in the doorway, he turned to Mandy and said, “His Majesty may have that flaw… but you’re only alive because I allow it. Consider that my gift… as your best friend.” He shut the door and was gone.

Earth; about 195 million years ago

“Holy Mother of Monkey Milk!” Augustus gaped at the prehistoric sight before them. “Mother freaking Jurassic Park!”

“WHATCHU GAWKIN’ AT?!” Rallo shouted with fear. “That big thing just ate that little thing! We don’t watch our asses, we’ll get our things ate, too!”

“I’m astonished that Zeira can use time-travel magic.” Aisling said. “So these were the creatures that roamed Earth in ancient times.”

“How the hell are we supposed to find the Rock Nut in this mess?!” Stewie asked angrily. “Lick every rock until we find one that’s-”

“STEWIE, STEWIE.” Augustus interrupted. “I am not… even gonna let you finish that sentence. I just… saw where you were goin’, and I am like NO. You need to level down with those jokes.”

“Aaaahhh-AAAAAAaaaaahhhh!”

“Whuh was that?” Rallo asked.

“Over there!” Aisling pointed.

Not far away, a group of raptors were chasing something small across the plain. “AAAAAAAAHHHHH!” This creature, running on all fours, was a cavegirl, with messy cyan hair and big hazel eyes, wearing a green loincloth dress and a cracked skull mask on her head. She also had a reddish-purple line painted horizontally across her face.

“Hold on, kid!” Augustus grabbed his Gobstopper and rushed over, the Baby Trio joining.

“Wait, we’re in the past!” Aisling yelled after. “We shouldn’t interfere… Oh, who am I kidding. GROWL!” She bared her fangs and pranced on all fours.

The little cavegirl looked back at the raptors with fear in her adorable hazel eyes. She stopped and stared when something small and spherical struck a raptor’s jaws. It had been thrown by a taller Neanderthal, whose clothes didn’t look like any she recognized. Rallo blasted his boombox to blow another raptor away, and Stewie fired a net gun to catch another and shock it. Aisling tackled the fourth raptor and sank her teeth into its flesh. When the first raptor tried to help its friends, Augustus tackled and began to wrestle it.

“Tell this to all your amigos, the future belongs to HOMO sapiens!” the Spanish-German declared.

“NOOOOO!” The cavegirl pounced on Augustus’s back and began pounding his head like an angry child. “Get off of Nel’s frieeeeeeends!”

“Wha-… Friends?” Augustus looked at the raptor confusedly.

“Nel and dinos were playing ‘Catch Nel’! You ruined Nel and dinos’ game! Go awaaaaaay!” She cried and continued pounding the teen boy.

“Are you really her friends?” Aisling asked the raptor she was biting.

Yes. And you’re a weird-looking baby jaguar. The raptor replied telepathically.

Aisling calmly climbed off the creature, and the other ones recovered and showed no signs of vengeance. “Uh… Sorry.” Augustus said to the cavegirl clutching his shoulders. “We’re not familiar with… old timey games.”

The girl jumped off. “Nel invents game herself. Other cavepeople think Nel crazy, but Nel think… oh?” She stared at him. “Why does caveman know Nel’s language?”

Aisling gasped. “You can speak English?”

“English? English is Nel’s language!” she shouted. “Only Nel speak English. Nel know English well, because only Nel know English. So why other cavemen know English?”

“Because we’re from the future!” Augustus yelled.

“Futur? What Futur? Nel confused.” The girl picked her nose.

“Hold on, if she can speak English, perhaps she may be able to help us.” Stewie said as he approached the cave child, who was nearly his height. “Miss, do you know anything about a Rock Nut?”

“What weird caveman is this?” Nel touched either side of Stewie’s football head. “His head funny. Hee hee hee hee!” She rocked the head back and forth. “Look like funny rock!”

“Shyeah, but you should see Rallo without his afro!” Augustus laughed.

“NO, DON’T!” Rallo cried. “You tell this girl, she gonna tell everyone, then all o’ HISTORY’S gonna be laughin’ at me!”

“Nel like new cavepeople.” Nel clapped happily. “Nel think people funny. People be friends with Nel?”

“Eh, why not?” August shrugged. “I’m opening a babysitting service after this.”

“Yaaay!” She clapped. “New friends for Nel! New friends come to Nel’s cave?”

“Sure, we wouldn’t mind a place to rest! (Even though we kinda just got out of a cave.) Hey, can your raptor friends help us pull our plane?”

“You want pull plain?”

“Y-Yeah—I mean… just come see.”

The group led Nel and her raptors to the broken-down Ace Flyer. “This plain?” Nel began to climb it. “This smallest plain Nel ever see. It look like hard rock. Whoa!” She fell headfirst into the pilot’s seat, with her dirty feet flailing in the air.

“It’s not a plain like a field.” Augustus said as he grabbed Nel’s feet and pulled her up. “It’s like… a magic stone that we have and lets us fly.”

“It stone? It shaped like pterodactyl. Can Nel fly stone plane?”

“Heh heh… It’s not in best shape right now. Just help us pull it to your cave.”

They traveled a few miles across the field before they arrived at Nel’s cave. She had a few clothes hanging on the wall, so Augustus threw one of them over the biplane. “Here, Nel friends.” Nel carried two armfuls of rocks over to them. “Nel bring rocks. Nel hopes friends like.” She dropped them all. …Nel felt pain course through her. “YAAAAAAAH!” She grabbed the stubbed toes and hopped around.

“Calm down.” Aisling crouched down and softly rubbed the sore toes. “You should be more careful.”

“Can you actually eat these rocks?” Augustus asked curiously.

“Huh? Cavepeople always eat rocks. Well, rocks too big for Nel. She break into pebbles.” Nel stood up and picked up one of the heavy rocks. “Mmm, mmm,” she hopped to a wall, “MMM!” and chucked the rock to break it to pieces. “Pebbles yummy! Mmmmmm!” Nel picked some up and began chewing.

“Yeah… I don’t eat those.” Augustus replied with disgust. “See if you like this.” He pulled out a Gold Wonka Bar and handed it to the girl.

Nel stared at the chocolate as though it was the weirdest thing ever. Nel put her teeth around the bar and bit a piece. It was so much softer than pebbles, it felt like her teeth were munching nothing. She swallowed. “Mmmmmm…” Nel bore the expression of someone in Caveperson Heaven. “Nel feels a happy feeling on her toooooongue. Why is Nel tongue happy? Bllllll?” She stuck her tongue out.

“That, my soil-footed friend…” Augustus bent down with a knowledgeable smile, “was called taste.”

“Taste?” Nel grabbed her tongue and tried to pull it up in front of her eyes. “Nel don’t thee it.”

“It isn’t something you see. It’s something you feel.” The captain started a new lollipop. “It’s a mouthwatering feeling that outright says: if you eat this, your belly will be happy. The ability to taste was God’s greatest gift to man. If something tastes good, you swallow it.”

“You are setting, a very bad example in this case.” Aisling said.

“Nel like ‘taste.’ Nel never taste before. Except pretty rock on Terry mountain. Haaaa-omp.” She bit another piece of chocolate.

“A pretty rock?” This caught the teen’s attention. “What rock?”

Nel swallowed, and she spoke with chocolate around her mouth. “Nel climb to top of Terry mountain and find pretty rock. Nel try to break, but it don’t. Nel tried to eat, but too big. But when Nel tongue touch it, tongue feel happy. Nel think this ‘taste.’”

“It must be the Rock Nut!” Aisling beamed.

“Nel, can you take us to Terry Mountain?” Augustus asked.

“Mmmm…” Nel frowned. “Terry mountain belong to Terry. Nel climb when Terry gone because Nel wanted to see what up there. Does Nel friends want Terry’s tasty rock?”

“If it’s what we think it is, it’s imperative that we collect it.” Aisling said.

“But Terry scary!” Nel exclaimed. “Terry eat Nel friends! Nel don’t want friends to die!”

“I assume this ‘Terry’ is a pterodactyl.” Aisling replied. “An animal all the same. If I got close to her, I can communicate and reason with her.”

“Hee hee hee! Terry not her. Terry a male.”

“My mistake.”

“And even if she can’t, we can take him.” Augustus fist-palmed. “Listen, Nel, we really need that Rock Candy, not for us, but for a friend of mine. He’s a, uh… caveman who can’t leave his cave, and he’s gonna die soon. All he really wants is to taste that rock. So, will you take us?”

“Sniff…” Nel’s adorable eyes began watering. “Th-That saddest story… Nel ever hear! WAAAAAAAHHH!” She made a waterfall of tears that the others looked at with disbelief. She calmed down and spoke with a stutter, “N-Nel h-help friends find r-rock. J-Just promise Nel f-friends will be careful.”

“You got nothin’ to worry about!” Augustus lifted the cavegirl up over his shoulders. “Just point us the way!”

“Ha ha ha ha!” Nel swung her feet happily. “Nel gets to ride funny caveman!” She smacked his head and pointed vigorously, “RIDE, AUGHSUCKS!”

The captain’s motivation sunk at that name. “It’s… Augustus.”

“Nel said Aughsucks! Go, Aughsucks!”

His eye twitched. “Welp, the past is ruined.”

Prehistoric Earth

Nel had guided the Marzipan Pirates and Aisling to a valley, where they saw a mountain with a gigantic nest in the distance. “That Terry mountain.” The cavegirl said, still riding Augustus’s shoulders. “It look like Terry not home. Can Aughsucks cross valley?”

“IT’S AUGUSTUS!” the boy shouted. “And watch me! The Marzipans are about to become the first explorers of Planet Earth!” (Play “Terrydactyland” from Banjo-Tooie!)

Stage B-10: Primordial Rock

Mission: Find the Rock Nut.

The pirates followed a passage within a small, narrow trench. They encountered a Bargasaurus, a burgundy-colored stegosaur-like dino with green eyes and spikes along its back, guarding a ledge. The Bargasaur charged at Augustus and pushed the captain back a few feet. “Grrrr.” He drew out his Gobstopper to throw at the dino’s face, but the angered Bargasaur withstood the attack and rammed him again. However, the Baby Trio, Nel, and Aisling seized the chance to run around it and make it up onto the ledge. “Ain’tchu guys gonna help me??” Augustus yelled when the dino returned to its position.

“Ain’tchor Haki come back, yet?” Rallo asked.

“Ha ha ha! Aughsucks can’t beat small Bargasaur!” Nel clapped.

“Ugh. I’m wedging you brats when this is over.” Augustus got up and held his arms open when the Bargasaur charged again. He pushed against the dino and stayed firm on his feet as he tried to channel Haki to his arms. While his arms didn’t color black, he showed an enhance in strength, and was able to throw the dino aside. The captain quickly ran up to and jumped on the ledge with his allies, and Nel climbed back up on his shoulders.

The explorers crossed a wider area, avoiding the Bargasaurs that were roaming around. They watched as Aisling sprinted across the plain and the following platforms, once again intending to bypass the stage and watch the humans endure the ordeals. The kids jumped up some tall, natural stairs, which became narrow platforms over the thin trench below. Soarasaurs, which were greenish-yellow pteranodons, attempted to push the crew off, but a quick whack with the Gobstopper could knock them senseless. At the end of the platforms, they faced a greater plain of Dodongos, which were huge green lizard-like reptiles. However, they looked into the trench and saw a Gold Wonka Bar being guarded by a caveman, who was covered in thick green armor and wielding a spiked club.

“That member of Rocknut Tribe.” Nel said. “They big bully cavemen. Only weak spot is their butt, but need hit really hard.”

“Stewie, do you still have your missile launcher?” Augustus asked.

“It’s out of ammo.” Stewie replied.

Just then, a large Life Saver candy hit the ground near the edge of the plain. “What’s that?” Rallo asked as they hopped over. The Life Projector projected a hologram of Princess Zeira.

“I thought you guys would need help getting through. So I’m warping Magic Candies to points around your area. You can use this Pop Gum to attack some enemies.” An orange bubblegum bounced out of the projector. “You just have to chew it up and spit it out.”

“You chicas really come in handy sometimes.” Augustus smiled.

The hologram bashed him with her ladle. “Don’t call me chica! I still want you to bow to me.”

“Screw you!” The hologram vanished. “I just have one problem, guys: I cannot spit well…” the captain said with embarrassment.

“You throw a jawbreaker with perfect aim, pilot a plane, and suck on lollipops all day, but spitting’s out of the question…” Stewie configured.

“What pretty pebble?” Nel picked up the orange gum. “Nel taste.” The cavegirl tossed it into her mouth and began chewing. “Ulp!” Her cheeks puffed with the burning sensation.

“Hang on, Nel!” Augustus picked up the child, holding her horizontally with his arms around her belly. He decided to approach the first Dodongo in the field, and when the dino opened its mouth to breathe fire, Augustus squeezed Nel and shot the gum out of her mouth like a bullet. It went down the Dodongo’s throat, exploded, and knocked the creature out. “Guess what, Nel, you’re the world’s first projectile weapon!” He stuffed more Pop Gum into Nel’s mouth to shoot into the other two Dodongos. He then decided to return to the edge of the plain, aim down at the Rocknut caveman’s exposed rear, and shoot a Pop Gum at it to knock him out in one blast. The captain jumped down to retrieve the Wonka Bar and could bypass the caveman safely before jumping the platforms to get back up.

“Wait a sec, if they’re called the Rocknut Tribe, do they have something to do with the Rock Nut?” Augustus asked.

“Nel don’t know. But Rocknuts maybe not tell us.”

The path to follow from the Dodongo plain was along the left, on a narrow walkway over a chasm. There was a Rocknut patrolling back and forth along the cliff, so when it was turned away, Augustus used his “Nel Launcher” to shoot the caveman’s rear and send him falling. After crossing the walkway, the crew entered a dark cave that was lit by a fire deep inside. There was a short caveman with black hair and a large beard, wearing a red loincloth.

“It’s Oogle Boogle!” Nel pointed. She jumped off Augustus’s shoulders and said to it, “Oogle Boogle! Oog oonga, ooga booga, boongu nuguh?”

“Oog. Ooga looga booga boo.”

“Gronka-lonka Oompa-Loompa Willy Wonka CHOCOLATE BAH!” Rallo shouted. “Hah ha! Caveman talk.”

“Why little caveboy insult Oogle Boogle’s mother?” Nel asked.

“THAT WHAT I SAID?!” Rallo screamed. “Tell ’im I didn’t mean it!!”

“Oogle Boogle said he hungry. He want food that make him fat.”

There was a tunnel up on a ledge behind the caveman, so Augustus climbed into it first, with Nel on his shoulders again. Torches lit this passage, and they could see the narrow bridge over the dark chasm. A Bargasaurus was guarding a bushel of Fudgepuffsicles, and when the dino charged at Augustus, he pushed back and channeled what he could of his Haki. He shoved the dino over the side into the pit, then grabbed a fudgesicle. He brought the inflating ice cream back to the Oogle Boogle, who happily took a bite. The caveman puffed up like a balloon and floated over a nearby spiked floor. He deflated over a platform with a switch, which he held down to make some areas on the spikes flip over to flat ground.

The Oogle waved at them in thanks as they jumped across the flat spaces. They made it to a pool of water, where Aisling was waiting. Since the Baby Trio plus Nel couldn’t swim, Aisling and Augustus helped carry them underwater. After swimming through a tunnel, they got to a wider area where electric eels (called Frazzles) were swimming around, lighting the dark with their sparking bodies. The tunnel ahead was patrolled by Frazzles, so they deemed it too dangerous to enter. The crew was able to resurface, and Augustus saw a rugged wall that he could climb around to reach a high ledge. The captain swam to and climbed around this wall, and when Snapdragons obstructed his path, Maggie grabbed Nel and used her as a weapon to smash them.

After making it to the cliff, they found a pack of Pop Gum. Augustus poured them all into Nel’s mouth as the child began chewing. “I’m guessing this stuff will work underwater.” He held Nel in his arms while Maggie held his neck as he dove back underwater. He aimed Nel at the Frazzles and shot slow-coming Pop Gums that were effective enough to knock the eels out. There was an alternate left route, guarded by a Frazzle which Augustus shot with their last Pop Gum. On the surface above this tunnel was a Gold Wonka Bar. With that, they resumed the main path and surfaced in a new tunnel.

Aisling released Stewie and Rallo before running ahead once again. There was a huge dinosaur egg that Augustus could lift in his arms. He decided to take it with them as they exited the tunnel to a large area enclosed within walls. There was water in the chasm below, and a narrow stone bridge led to a sealed barred door. There was a switch by the door that the egg could hold down. When Augustus was about to carry it across- “NNNNNRRRREEEEEE!” a dinosaur with a very long neck, brown backside and yellow underside, and ravenous green eyes, emerged from the water and unleashed a deafening roar. The captain backed up into the cave when the Chompasaurus attempted to snack on the egg.

“Dafaq is that thing?!” Augustus yelled.

“Chompasaurus like food that crosses their water.” Nel said.

“I can’t get this thing across with them sniffin’ around. Maggie, is the powder in your gun dry, yet?”

“Mw-mw!” Maggie saluted. The crew peeked out into the gorge and saw a small ledge high up on their right. Maggie launched her grappling hook to the ledge and pulled herself up. Augustus carried the egg in both arms and began to balance across the bridge. The first Chompasaurus emerged from the water, giving its loud roar. Maggie aimed at its eye and shot, and the long-necked dino sank back down. Maggie kept defending her captain from other Chompasaurs until he made it to the other side. He set the egg on a switch as the gate opened.

His teammates caught up with him as they wandered onto a rugged plain with Lightfoots, which were yellow raptors that hopped around like rabbits. One jumped Augustus and took his glasses, another jumped Maggie and took her pacifier. The baby started bawling on the ground, and the sun hurt the captain’s eyes. Since Nel confirmed these ones weren’t her friends, she helped Augustus direct his vision to the Lightfoots so he could hit them with his Gobstopper. After recovering their stolen items, the pirates hopped up some natural stairs leading to a walkway along the wall over the field. A few Soarasaurs obstructed their progress, but the path led them to a cave guarded by a caveman wearing a purple loincloth and wielding a huge stone Q-tip.

“That Unga Bunga!” Nel pointed, crawling over to the caveman. “Ung dunga bunga?”

“Bug, bugga bugga, Unga Bunga!” He pointed at the future humans.

“Bug bugga?” Nel asked.

“Bug bugga.”

Nel crawled back to her friends. “Unga said no can bring silly foot things in cave.”

“You mean we can’t even take ’em off and carry them?” Augustus questioned. “I don’t even do sandals! Let’s just go that way.”

The cliffside walkway went farther, leading to a ladder where a Rocknut caveman guarded the top. They returned to the plain below, finding a crater in a corner where a Bargasaurus guarded a cave. Augustus dropped down and wrestled with the dinosaur, but there wasn’t room in the crater to shove it aside. However, Stewie quickly ran into the cave to swipe the Pop Gum, then they escaped the crater. They returned to the ladder, but to expose the Rocknut’s rear side, Rallo stuck his boombox in the wall and caused a tremor. The Rocknut fell headfirst over the ladder’s edge and landed upside-down. Augustus used Nel to shoot his exposed rear and K.O. the caveman.

At the top of the ladder, they found Shrink Sweets placed on a rock. “Hey, if the four of us ate these, Nel could sneak us in the cave herself.” the captain said.

“How can Nel help?” she asked.

“Watch this!” The four Marzipans each ate a piece of the candy and contracted down to jellybean size.

“Whoa!” Nel stared at them with awe. “Why is Aughsucks small now?”

_{“Will you stop calling me that!!”} he squeaked angrily.

“Hee hee! Aughsucks sound like baby dactyl. But Nel thinks this work.” She lifted the four mini humans and hid them in the empty sockets of the skull mask on her head. She climbed down the ladder and approached the Unga Bunga.

“You ditch weird cavemen?” His Cavetalk was clear in Nel’s ears. “Okay. You good.” He stepped aside so Nel could enter the torch-lit cave. There were Unga Bungas sitting at tables and coercing, some were playing poker using rocks with various symbols.

“Unga Bunga, Unga Bunga!” The next passage had parallel rows of the cavemen, holding large flat stones as they charged into and rammed their rocks into their counterparts’ rocks, resulting in a booming collision. They wobbled back as the process repeated over and over. _{“Is this some weird caveman game?”} Augustus asked.

“Unga Bunga play Unga Bunga.” Nel answered. “They smash bedrocks into each other until one falls. Nel will be careful.” Nel waited for each group of cavemen to ram each other before moving forward. There were a few close shaves that made Nel’s heart bounce, but she made it. She followed a new tunnel that led to a cave where the ground was covered with red sticks. There was an Unga Bunga asleep on the other side, holding a whip. Above him, an Oogle Boogle was trapped in a round bone cage.

If Nel stepped on the sticks, the Unga would wake and attack her with his whip. There were torches set around the red sticks, and Nel could grab the thin core on their pillars. She climbed around so her back faced the next torch, then she kicked off, whipped around, and clutched the pillar. She repeated the process until she was near the Oogle Boogle. “Me need food to regain strength. Find good rock.” he said. Nel proceeded to jump the rest of the torches, and the last one that was close to the wall was next to a Ringtrot. Nel picked the Ringtrot out of the wall and jumped her way back to the Oogle. She handed the caged caveman the Ringtrot, so he began to suck it.

Filled with adrenaline, the Oogle Boogle ran around and around the round cage, spinning it as it flopped about in the air. The Unga Bunga awoke to the commotion, and he screamed when a chunk of the ceiling where the cage hung from collapsed and crushed him. The bone cage rolled and smashed a bone gate blocking a new tunnel on the left of the room. With the Unga defeated, Nel was free to walk around the red sticks. She could cross to and enter this cave, finding that it sloped upward. However, the only jumpable platforms were big torches. Nel felt the heat strongly as she was forced to balance along the sides of those torches, and her heart raced with being so close to these flames. When she jumped to a higher torch, she whirled her arms and stood on her tippy-toes in trying to stay balanced. _{“Don’t lose your cool, Nel, you can do it.”} Augustus told her.

Nel didn’t know what that phrase meant, but she kept her steady posture and made it across the tunnel. She heard a creature jittering the bones of a large corpse at the end, and saw the back end of that grayish-white creature sticking out. When Nel got to it, the creature turned out to be Aisling, who looked up at her with a start before scampering out of the tunnel like a frightened kitty. Nel made it outside, and to her left was some Growth Gum on a rock. She put her tiny friends beside it so they could eat and stretch back to normal. “Thanks for the lift, Nel.” Aughsucks patted her mask. “Have one of my lollipops.”

He unwrapped a green lolli and gave it to Nel. …The cavegirl shoved it up her nose and pulled out a long string of snot. “And now I don’t want any more.” the captain said. “Too grossed out. My defining character trait, ruined.”

He let the cavegirl ride his shoulders as they climbed up some natural stairs. They were at the base of Terry’s mountain and could begin the climb up its precarious path. “Uug-OOOOOOG!” There was shouting coming from the plains around the mountain, and they saw Rocknut Tribe members hauling catapults loaded with boulders. The cavemen began launching the boulders in attempt to hit the pirates, so they moved quickly and avoided them. Stewie put on a set of goggles that projected markings where the boulders would crash, and let his friends know where they were.

Some stalagmites blocked their path, so they had to trick the Rocknuts into launching boulders into them. They reached a dead end with some Bounce Gum. Augustus saw a crack in the wall above them, so he bounced level with that crack so the Rocknuts would try to hit him, and smash the wall open. The five explorers bounced up into this opening, where they could climb a rugged wall. There were holes in the parallel wall, which the Rocknuts flung their boulders through in further attempt to smash them.

There was an exit back onto the mountain path up top, and a Bargasaurus was guarding a route between the wall and a shorter wall. The shorter wall prevented Augustus from shoving it off the edge, so the captain pushed it all the way back against the protective barricade of the next turn. There was an opening in the other barricade, and the Bargasaur was struck by the Rocknuts’ boulder. The explorers found Aisling by the entrance of a tunnel into the mountain, but before entering, Augustus sidled across a thin ledge past the entrance. A boulder crashed into a cracked part and exposed a Gold Wonka Bar, so the captain collected it before accompanying his friends into the tunnel. (End song.)

“Thanks once again for helpin’ us through all that, Lazy Fairy.” Augustus told Aisling with sarcasm.

“I helped those two swim, didn’t I?” Aisling replied angrily.

“This cave take us to mountaintop.” Nel said as the tunnel sloped upward. “Maybe we get rock before Terry come home.”

“I still don’t understand why Nel is the only caveperson that knows English.” Aisling said. “It’s so… unnatural!”

“But it’s still the least unnatural thing I can think of.” Augustus said.

At the end of the cave, they were at the top of the mountain, just below the giant bird nest. They found an entrance to the nest, seeing four huge eggs lain inside. “Nel found rock in middle of nest.” She pointed. Augustus approached and moved the sticks aside, finding a round, flattish stone with an empty core. “That it!”

“This is the Rock Nut?” Augustus asked, picking up the heavy sweet.

“Mw mw!” Maggie beamed.

“You’re right, it looks like a doughnut!” Stewie realized.

“So the first candy was a doughnut? …Well, this is going in the Adventure Databook!” Augustus licked the rock. “It really is tasty!!”

“REEEEEEK!” They were almost deafened by the screech of a massive, light-brown pterodactyl with green eyes. The reptile suddenly snatched the Rock Nut in its long and pointy mouth, swallowing it.

“YOU STUPID PERRA DE AVES! GIVE THAT BACK!” Augustus yelled.

“Raaaaaaaet! RAAAAAET!” Terry shouted.

“He’s calling us Rocknuts!” Aisling yelled. “He thinks we’re with the Rocknut Tribe!”

“Tell him we’re not!”

“All right! Ah-ACK, ACK, AAAAHH!”

“RAAAAAACK!”

“He won’t listen; he thinks we’re trying to hurt his babies!”

“Watch out!” Augustus yelled. (Play Terry’s Theme from Banjo-Tooie.)

Boss fight: Terry

The prehistoric avian hacked giant globs of spit that would leave the humans sticky and immobile if they were struck. Maggie’s bullets didn’t have effect on the reptile, and Augustus’s Gobstopper bounced right back. However, after spitting seven globs, the pterodactyl had to catch his breath. Augustus chucked the Gobstopper up his throat, causing Terry to choke. He managed to cough the jawbreaker out, along with a Life Projector that released some Pop Gum. Augustus smirked, filling Nel with the spicy sweets and helping her chew. He aimed the Nel Launcher up at Terry, squeezed her, and damaged the reptile with the explosive candy.

The dinosaur decided to fly below the mountain and come back up with three Bargasaurs. He trusted the dinos to fight them while he returned down for a drink of water. Aisling turned into a Bargasaur herself and wrestled with one, Rallo attacked the other with his boombox, leaving Augustus to shove against the third one. “Agh!” The dinosaur knocked him off his feet, and when it tried to bite the captain, he tricked it into biting the Gobstopper. In the Bargasaur’s weakened moment, Augustus threw punches against its side, trying to force the Haki to present itself. The dino was knocked out anyway, just in time for Terry to return.

The pterodactyl was carrying a giant boulder, and the kids avoided when it dropped down and shattered. Terry hacked more big globs of spit, but he still had no luck in trapping any of the pirates. Terry flew directly above Augustus, faced down, and spun around in attempt to pierce the human like a drill. Augustus dodged, watching Terry drill the spot for a sec, then the dactyl tried again. Augustus got beside one of his eggs, so when Terry drilled down, he immediately halted and flapped upright.

Since he was low enough, Augustus was able to jump up and grab his talons. The reptile tried to shake him off, soaring around the sky. Augustus climbed up to Terry’s head, and the avian failed to shake him as the captain punched the point of his head four times. Augustus clutched the head’s point and steered Terry like a plane, ramming him against the mountainside. The dactyl recovered and floated back up while Augustus dropped to the path above the nest’s side. Terry barfed a stream of drool into his nest, rendering the Baby Trio incapacitated in the thick liquid.

Augustus kept standing on the edge with Nel on his shoulders. The avian kept changing position and flapping his wings rapidly to blow his enemies off. He stopped, and while Augustus was trying to recompose, the dinosaur swooped across the edge and caught Augustus on his long nose. The captain punched the pterodactyl several times in the eyes, and when Nel hacked her own stream of spit over his eyes, Terry spun around and drilled downward. He cut a hole into the nest’s floor, draining his pool of drool and rescuing the Baby Trio.

Augustus hopped back on the nest floor and noticed one last Pop Gum through the twigs. He fed it to Nel, then faced her up when Terry hovered above. The dactyl opened his mouth wide and swooped down to gulp, but August shot the gum up his throat. The gum popped, and Terry fell on his back. Augustus set Nel down and climbed back onto the nest’s side. He balled his fists together, leapt high above, and cried, “Double Iron KNUCKLE!” His fists turned Armament as he smashed down on Terry’s belly. (End song.)

The Rock Nut flew out of the bird’s mouth. Augustus picked up and held the stone sweet in victory. They heard cracking sounds and looked to see the eggs finally hatching. Adorable, pink baby pterodactyls peeped out and began chirping. “Eeeerrrk…” Terry grunted.

“He said, ‘Don’t hurt my babies. Please don’t hurt them.’” Aisling translated.

“We’re not here to hurt your babies.” Augustus replied. “We just wanted this rock. Is it that important to you?”

“‘I took that rock from the Rocknut Tribe because they used its strange power to enhance their armor. They used it to kill my wife. I won’t let them use it to hurt my babies.’”

“…That’s why…” Augustus stared at the stone doughnut. A strange power…?

“Ug! Ug, uug!” They looked at the nest’s entrance: a trio of Rocknuts had appeared.

“So you guys’ve been using this nut to bully people?!” the captain yelled.

“(Many thanks beat Terry for us.)” a Rocknut said with a smirk (Nel translated). “(We take Rock Nut now. Rocknut Tribe rule world.)”

Augustus dropped the rock and marched toward them. “Like Hell you will.”

“Aughsucks, no!” Nel cried.

“(Aughsucks, you strong. Maybe you join us.)”

Augustus balled his right fist and turned it Armament. “Sorry, but you’re a hundred million years too soon!” He PUNCHED the caveman through his armor, shattering the stone garb as he went flying off the mountain.

“UUUUUH!” The Rocknuts gaped.

“Remember my name throughout history! I am Augustus, the Stone Fist!” Hope you don’t mind, I drew inspiration from you, Sheila. I could never punch as hard as you, though.

The Rocknuts panicked and ran all the way down the mountain. Augustus went back to pick up the Rock Nut, smiling at Terry. “You take care of your kids now. And if those lugs ever come back, I’ll club ’em for ya.”

“Eeeek…” Terry smiled. (“Thanks…”)

Nel’s cave

The explorers made the tedious journey back to Nel’s cave, where they pulled the Ace Flyer back outside. “We couldn’t have found it without you, Nel. Consider yourself the first member in history to be a Marzipan Pirate.”

“Nel so happy!” She clapped. “Nel always be Aughsucks friend.”

“Y…yeah.” Augustus blushed. “Can we go now?”

“I’ll help with that.” Aisling sat on the ground and opened her book. “I know a bit of Time Magic, too, thanks to Celebi. I can return us to the present. Ahem… Father… take us home… Father… take us home…” A magic circle began to encase them. Clock hands spun around it. “Send us… to the place… we belong…”

Aisling repeated the verse in her angelic voice. The circle shone brighter, and in a loud WHIIIIRRRR, the whiteness engulfed them.

Neighborhood street

They reappeared on the street of an unknown neighborhood. The morning sun was rising. “Finally.” Augustus said, holding the Rock Nut up to bask in the light. “The first Lost Candy. What would Luviro think…”

Aisling stretched her arms and flexed her fingers. “At any rate, it seems my strength has recovered. It was a pleasure traveling with you, humans. But now I must bid adieu.”

“Well, Forest Fairy… thanks for all the help you’ve given us.” Augustus said. “But why were you suddenly so interested in helping us find the Rock Nut?”

“For a number of reasons that I think it’s too dangerous to explain to you now. But rest assured, you will learn everything later. Just promise us you will find the rest of the Lost Candies before this month ends.”

“You can count on that.” Augustus nodded assuredly.

“Good. Anyway… Princess Mavis will be hosting her tea party soon, so I must get back to Galaxia.” Aisling sprouted a huge pair of bug-like wings. She lifted off the ground when they began flapping. “Before I go, perhaps I can give you a hint. One of my friends resides in the sea kingdom of Oceana. She may be able to help you if you spoke to her. Good-bye, Captain Augustus. May the winds of fate blow in your favor.” She flew into the sky.

“Auf Wiedersehen, smelly fairy!” Augustus waved. “Sigh, well she was fun.” (“Aaaaahhh-” a distant scream was rising.) “Where did she warp us, anyw-”

“-AAAAAAAAHHHH!” A furious German woman KICKED Augustus like a ball and sent him flying against a street sign that read Drury. “AUGUSTUS, YOU STUPID POPEL!” Henrietta grabbed her dizzy son by the vest and shook him violently. “Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been about you, you little TRASH COMPACTOR?!”

“Is Augustus making that look because he’s hurt, or he’s thrilled?” Stewie questioned.

“Still ain’t as scary as my mama.” Rallo said.

“Mw-mw.” Maggie was tired of their childish responses.

Henrietta whipped her head toward them, scaring the babies. “And VHY are you hanging around Big Mam’s Triplet Trio?!” She then looked at the biplane. “And VHAT did you do to your fazer’s PLANE?! Take it through ze KESSEL RUN?” Henrietta let the teen drop on the street before approaching the damaged plane. “I don’t vant to imagine where to begin-” She lightly knocked the plane with her knuckle, and the back compartment opened as a small, soot-covered creature with big hazel eyes tumbled out. “Cough!” Nel coughed.

“Aaaaaaack…” The four pirates gaped.

The cavegirl sniffed Henrietta’s boots, looking up the woman’s body. “Big cavewoman smell like Aughsucks. Is woman Aughsucks’ mate?”

“Who the heck is this?” Heinie asked.

“Uhhh… cavegirl we brought back from the past.” Augustus replied with a nervous grin.

“. . . . . I am going to execute you.”

“Hehe. What can you do?” Augustus grinned and began another lollipop.

“Why is Aughsucks eating snot stick?” Nel asked.

“BLEEEEEHHHH!” He puked.

Chapter Text

Fizzuras House

“Vell, ve had a few nasty bumps in ze road…” Henrietta grinned sheepishly. “But I am proud to share our first family breakfast in five years vith zese unaging babies, and our special guest, ze cavegirl, Nel.” She smiled at the cavechild sitting at one end of the table.

“Nel is happy to be in Aughsucks family cave.” Nel clapped. “Missus Fizzyrocks makes tasty little green trees.” She was eating broccoli. “Would Aughsucks like some?”

Augustus was sitting inside a large, but cramped cage, eating dogfood from a doggy bowl. “Why, again, is the animal-like cavegirl not sitting in here, but I AM?!”

“Because ze little cavegirl has shown better manners zan you so far, Augustus liebe.” Henrietta replied, dropping a bone-shaped treat in her son’s bowl. “You need ein tighter leash zan she does.”

“Why do we even have this cage, anyway?”

“It used to belong to the dog you didn’t feed before you left.” Augustus’s father, Antonio replied.

“Oh, yeah… I forgot about Syrup.”

“Named your dog Syrup?” Rallo asked. “Well, no wonder he ran away.”

“Look, Augustus, I vould not have minded zis adventurous streak if you had not gone and ‘made a name’ for yourself.” Henrietta stated, still focused on her breakfast. “Vanted posters of Candy Hunter Augustus everywhere, how much vill it take to clear your name?”

“Tell me about it. I changed my epithet to ‘Stone Fist’, how do I get that public? AH!” Henrietta kicked the teen’s cage.

“Still, that’s a weird-looking rock you brought home with you.” Ace said. “Where did you find that?”

“Antonio, he ruined your plane, don’t encourage him.” Heinie scolded.

“Eh, nothing we can’t fix.”

“Mom, have you ever heard of sweets called the Lost Candies?” Augustus asked, eating his treat.

“Ze Lost Candies? Vhere vould you have heard about zem, ’cause I haven’t.”

“I heard about them from a sick boy in Pueblo de Niebla. The Sugar Fairy Princess says that not many people have heard of them, however.”

“You met ze Fairy Princess?”

“Heh, I met two of them! Pretty slick for a runaway, right?”

“Nel has to go potty.” Nel said. “Nel can poop in corner, or anywhere?”

“Ahem, AUGUSTUS, teach Nel how to use ze bathroom.” Heinie picked up her plate and carried it to the sink. “And afterwards, give her a bath.”

“Ain’tchu gonna let me out of here??”

“Vhy? You have thumbs.”

Augustus flexed said fingers. He used them to grab that little slide-in bar, pull it out, and unlock his cage. “…I knew that.”

Bathroom

“He he, he he, he he!” Nel was happily swinging her feet while Augustus tried to scrub them. Her unclothed body was covered in bubbles. “Nel feels a happy feeling in her feets now. Is Nel’s feet tasting?”

“You have millions of years of catching up to do.” Augustus said. Behind him, his mom was brushing her hair. “So Mom, can you think of any reason why the World Government would wanna burn any references to the Lost Candies?”

“Vhy vould ze Government concern their selves vith that?”

“To be fair, the Sugary Wonders were pretty deadly items. You’d think they would’ve shown more initiative in stopping our ancestors from finding them all those years.”

“Hmmm…” Heinie thought for a second. If the Wonders didn’t catch their attention, why were the Lost Candies special? “I’m really not certain.”

“Oh well. Do you know if there’s any way to get to Oceana?”

“Vell, ZAT is out of nowhere! Augustus, Big Mam vonce made an agreement to protect Oceana from invaders in exchange for zeir delicious candies. Now that Big Mam is no more, zey von’t velcome you.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot! I wonder if Nickel Joe still remembers their coordinates.”

“Augh, you are purposely ignoring the parts I vant you to hear.”

“Hey, I’m sorry for running away without notice, but I need to find the Lost Candies before Luviro dies this month.”

“This… month? He says he vill die this month, specifically?”

“W-Well, back in November, he said he had seven months to live, so… this would be the seventh month, wouldn’t it?”

“…” Henrietta grew more suspicious. “Augustus, if finding ze Lost Candies is that important, zen perhaps you should get ze help of someone vith expertise in this subject. Like, ze Kids Next Door.”

“Are you kidding, Mom?! The point of being an adventurous runaway is NOT seeking help from the law! Let those snot-nosed brats worry about defeating their broccoli monster or whatever.”

“Sigh… Perhaps zey are too busy.” Henrietta sighed, aware of their own conflicts the KND is dealing with.

Garage

After bath time was over, Augustus’s crew set to work in the garage, which was filled with scrap. It only took half an hour to repair the Ace Flyer. “There we are, good as new.” Stewie smiled. “While we’re here, I suppose I can construct a few weapons for our upcoming quest.”

“You get started on that, I’ll phone in Nickel Joe.” Augustus said as he dialed on his cellphone. After two rings, the other end decided to chance the caller ID and answer. “Ye… Hello?”

“Hey, Joe, it’s me, Augustus.”

“Who is this Joe you speak of? I am Trader Slim, the on-the-run sales clerk. Can I interest you in this pretty little bowl that looks like a turtle shell?”

“No thanks, now tell me, Joe, you collected debt from Oceana, haven’t you?”

“W-Why do ya need to know? Are there, eh… cops about?”

“No, it’s just me. Joe, I wanna go back to Oceana and look for something, but I need coordinates.”

“Eh… Well, it so happens that I saved the coinkidinks on my phone. But Gusty, we’re all wanted in that place, and the only way in from the surface is through the Mother Child Islands, and anybody with eyes will see you come in from there.”

“Big deal, I should easily be able to build a submarine. Just link me the map and I’ll let you get back to your sales.”

“You bargain hard, Gus. Just don’t bet more than you can pay up.” The call ended. Augustus watched as a digital map appeared on his phone with a location marked in the Atlantic.

“Before we go, we should fly to Gumdrop Cove and buy some Oxybursts.” The captain said. “Since you Devil Fruit eaters can’t swim, they’ll help you breathe underwater.”

“Augustus, aren’t you concerned how the pirates will treat us for the Davy Back Fight?” Stewie asked. “And what if some of the participants are there?”

“They might. Hmmm…” Augustus picked up the Rock Nut and stared at it. “The Rocknut Tribe used this nut to strengthen their armor. When I licked it, my Haki fully came back. Do you think this thing has the power to strengthen defense?”

“You wanna test it out?” Rallo asked.

Augustus decided to put the Rock Nut in the Ace Flyer’s trunk. “’kay, Stewie, blast it.” The baby whipped out his ray gun and shot the biplane. After four shots, he grabbed his missile launcher and fired, exploding on the plane. It barely left a scratch. “Awesome! At least now we won’t get shot down.”

“It could weigh us down.” Stewie said.

“Well, we’ll make do. I’m more worried about how we’re gonna take a submarine all the way to Oceana.”

“Actually, I might be able to make something that can fix all those dilemmas. Give me about an hour.”

An hour

Fizzuras House

The Marzipan Pirates completed their submarine, titled the Ace Swimmer. It was relatively small, but big enough to fit the five pirates. “So how are we going to carry this thing? Shrink ray?” Augustus asked.

“Bingo!” Stewie pulled out the ray gun in question. The submarine zapped to a portable toy size, which would be stashed inside his Infi-Cube.

“Convenient! How do you even make that?”

“The key component is a Size Crystal, a very rare gem. Fortunately, Big Mom had her resources.”

“Couldn’t we just use it on all our enemies?”

“Well, it won’t affect strong targets immediately, and if they jump out before the effect finishes, they’ll grow right back. It’s mostly a good source of storage.”

"If you say so. I ain’t a scientist.”

“Aughsucks not sinus?” Nel asked, sucking a drop of snot back in her nose.

“Alright, then what we need to do now is go to Gumdrop Cove.” Augustus climbed in the Ace Flyer. The Baby Trio got in the backseat, and Nel climbed in the trunk. “Let’s hope we can reason with the pirates.”

“You’re going already?” They looked to the garage entrance as Ace walked in. “You haven’t even been back for one morning. Isn’t there a limit on this adventure thing?”

“It isn’t just about adventure, anymore.” Augustus replied, starting a new lollipop. “I don’t know why, but… I really think I need to try and find the Lost Candies. I need to know why the World Government hates them, and why the fairies want me to find them. At this point, we’re probably the only people who can.”

“…Well, there’s no trying to stop you, anyway. Just come back before your mom gets too upset.” Ace smiled.

“Hm. We’ll see.” Augustus smirked. The captain started the plane and took off for the sky. Ace walked out of the garage and watched them fly into the sun.

“AUGUSTUUUUUUS!” Fuming in rage, Henrietta charged outside, hopelessly chasing the plane. “YOU STUPID SHIIIIIIIT!” She bounced on one foot as she pulled the boot off the other. She spun around rapidly and chucked the boot skyward. It hit the plane, but did no damage. “Vhen you get back home, I am putting ein MUZZLE on your ARMS! …Und YOU!” she shouted at Ace. “You just let zem LEAVE?!”

“Uhh…yeah. But on the bright side, make-up kissing?” Ace grinned sheepishly.

Henrietta knocked him out cold with an Armament punch.

On the flight to Gumdrop, the Marzipans saw a redheaded Nimbi girl guiding a ship across the sky. Augustus missed the feel of the breeze on his face. Every few minutes, Nel peeped open the trunk, and one could see her big hazel eyes looking around.

Eventually, they landed on the shore of the light-brown island that was shaped like a wad of gum. Augustus and the babies climbed off the plane as the former opened the trunk. “You alright in there, Nel?”

“Mmmmmm-mmmmmm…” The cavechild was trying to put her mouth around the Rock Nut, baring a loving expression as she savored its succulent taste. Her drool was dripping all over it. “Uhhhh…” Augustus stared weirdly. “’kay, you just stay in here and guard it.” He shut the trunk.

“AUGUSTAAAAAHHHHH (Gustaaaaaarrrrrrr!)!” Gumdrop’s bands of Candy Pirates stormed over to the infamous teen.

“FRIEEEENDS!” Augustus happily walked over with open arms. “Glad to SEE ya again!” They all drew swords and aimed them at him. “Ooo, did you sharpen your swords?”

“Gustah!” The pirate with the brown beard and eyepatch – Harold the Helium Voice – shouted in his hoarse, high voice. “I look forward to one thing and one thing a year: the Davy Back Fight!” He gasped. “Yoo ruin it! Yoo take the Fairy Princess for yourseeeelf.”

“Yes, I betrayed the rules of a Davy Back Fight.” Augustus admitted. “But Captain Hook captured that fairy by force, he had no right to give her away as a prize. Besides, those rules are ridiculous, a member of the loser crew has to join over to the winner crew? Isn’t the key to being a pirate supposed to be freedom? Freedom to make one’s own choices and decisions?”

“YER a wreshed liar, ye wreshed flesh wretch!” Gelatin Gerald shouted. “If yush had the fairy in yer grasp, why would ya NOT want ta keep her luscious powers for ya?”

“Why don’t we move this to the Soda Can? I’ll thrill you guys with a story…”

Soda Can

“Thank you, thank you everybody!” said the leader of the owl mariachi band. “Thank you for welcoming us to Gumdrop Cove, we will take any low-paying gig we can get! We are Los Búhos Musicales, here to tell you the story of Augustus the Stone Fist!”

Ohhhhhhh

There once was a boy

Who deeply loved candy

He sought it and found it

In places most dandy

His abuela was BIG and

So round and fat!

She gobbled so much

And made mountains of scat!

One day, she found him and said,

“COME WITH ME!”

So Augustus sailed with her

Across the great sea

To find the world where

They would find their dreams

To great Candied Planet, ’tis where

The Sugary Wonders lead!

But LO, it was a trick, so

Au-gus-tus leaves

He and his crew sail

To find new things

Other pirates, so rageful

So drunken and pissed

But when they cross Augustus

They’ll meet his fiiiiist!

Hard as iron, unmoving as stone

The sound of his name brings chills to the booone!

His FIIIIST… of STOOOONE

His FIIIIST… of STOOOONE

While they were livening the bar with their music, Augustus explained the adventures he has been on since he last met the Gumdrop pirates. “Before Princess Aisling left, she told me to go to Oceana and see a friend of hers. Since these babies can’t swim, I wanted to buy some Oxybursts in this town, help them breathe.”

“Aye, that do be a tale of thrills and chills.” said Bubbly Brandon. “The Sugar Fairy Princess? The one only known in legends?”

“He must be fibbin’.” Harold gasped.

“Heheh, it’s not a fib! Everything I told you is real. The fight with Azula, the trip to the past, the Rock Nut and the cavegirl I have in my trunk.”

“Even if we wanted to believe you, you’re wanted among pirates for what you did at the Back Fight.” Brandon said. “Helping you would be a crime.”

“But isn’t that what makes us pirates?? Breaking all manner of rules to follow one’s dreams?”

“Didja not take history in school, Lad?” Gerald questioned. “Pirates always had rules. That’s why there’s good and evil pirates. ’Tis the Code, set by the Brethren Court, the Pirate Lords of the olden times. Freedom has a price.”

“Politics in piracy is total crap.” Augustus threw the finished lollipop away. “Even in normal society, rules are meant to be broken. I saved an innocent person, I saved the Fairy Kingdom, and the only reason those pirates are hunting me is because they wanted Princess Aisling for their own selfish plans.”

“You got two Pirate Lords and a Pirate Empress on your tail.” The skinny Black pirate mentioned. “Good deed or not, you’re a cursed man.”

“So what, you’re not gonna sell me ANY Oxybursts, OR a new sword?”

“It would be bad karma.” Harold replied. “’Course, if you wanted to steal such supplies, we could not be held liable.”

“Since ya like freedom so much, mangy cur.” Gerald followed.

“Captains!” A skinny pirate with a red bandana and striped shirt ran in. “The Silver Bullet from the Slag Pirates is outside!”

“Silver Bullet?!” Augustus exclaimed.

Near the town’s shore, the silver robot with the single red eye spotted the Ace Flyer after landing. “That looks like something Augustus would fly. A real shabby piece of work.” The robot approached the biplane. “I hear something in the trunk. What could be…”

She opened the trunk and found Nel happily sucking on the Rock Nut. The cavegirl looked up at the robot curiously. “Some kind of unevolved human? Hmm… Perhaps I’ll take you as a pet.”

A Gobstopper flew and struck Bullet in the back of the head. “She isn’t for you, la hojalata.” Augustus stated.

“You know, a remark in your ethnic language isn’t always necessary.” Stewie commented. “Just call him a tinplate and move on already.”

“Will consider.” Augustus began a new lollipop. “But I’m afraid you’re mistaken, Stewie: she’s a girl.”

“You see her robo LADY PARTS?!” Rallo gaped.

“Heh heh… no, but her build appears ladylike. And before you tell me robots are genderless husks, I doubt this person is a real robot.”

“You’re very intuitive, Captain.” Silver Bullet approached him with a gun raised. “Maybe if you hand me the Forest Fairy, I’ll give you my number.”

“I think the question should be, do you want MY number.” Augustus smirked. “Plus, you’re out of luck. The Fairy Princess already fled. I have a tight schedule anyway, so if you’ll excuse me!” The teen ran at Bullet with an Armament fist, dodging the disguised robot’s self-named bullets. He knocked the gun out of her hand, but Bullet dodged his punches, rolled behind him, and pulled Augustus’s arms back. She pinned the captain on his front, still bending the arms in a cross.

“I may be a lady, Captain, but you won’t believe how many people doubted my abilities. True, I’m not very strong, but this suit changes that. If I capture you with brute strength alone, perhaps the pirates may respect me a bit more.”

“Heeeeey!” The Bullet turned to find Nel dashing to her on all fours. “Get off of Aughsuuuuucks!” The cavegirl leapt, swung a foot, and kicked Silver Bullet with enough force to send her flying.

“Ow!” The Bullet recovered and glared at the Neanderthal. “That brat is stronger than she looks!”

“Nel knows Rugle Frugle!” Nel made karate poses. “Nel defend her mate!”

“You’re too young, Nel, so please get off.” Augustus was still laying down with Nel standing on him.

“Hold on, doesn’t that Rock Nut make things stronger?” Rallo asked. “She been suckin’ it all this time, so maybe she got a power boost.”

“Did she now? In that case,” Augustus grabbed Nel and got to his feet, “back away or she’s going old school on your arse!” he yelled as he held Nel toward the robot.

Silver Bullet aimed her left arm, shot the hand over like a grappling hook, and took Nel away from Augustus. She quickly tied the cavegirl up and propped her over the shoulder. “You’ll have to make better threats than that, August-”

“Haaaaa-MMP!” Nel sunk her teeth into a spot below the back of the robot’s neck.

“Don’t hurt your teeth, girl. I doubt you know any good dentists-”

“NYUH!” Nel ripped a piece of armor off the metal suit.

“GYAH! How in the world did you-”

Augustus ran up, socked the fake robot in the chest with Armament, and sent her flying while Nel dropped back in his arms. “That yuckiest rock Nel ever taste!”

“Augustus!” Stewie shouted as he, Rallo, and Maggie ran for the Ace Flyer. “Maggie stole everything we need from the candy store! Let’s hurry before they catch us!”

Augustus saw a swarm of angry Candy Pirates storming over from the town, swords and guns raised. “W-What?” When Silver Bullet looked up and saw them, she was immediately trampled by the scallywags.

“Hm. Good plan.” Augustus smirked, carrying Nel as she ran for the Flyer, stuffed the cavegirl in the trunk, then hopped in the cockpit. “Hasta la vista!” The biplane took off, and the pirates hopelessly chucked swords that dropped after partway, and shot guns in the wrong directions.

“Uuuuhh…” After Silver Bullet recovered, she was unable to clear a way around the rowdy pirates. “Damn it—you guys—move aside—I can’t see…”

Little did she know was that the pirates were doing what they were doing on purpose. From atop some stairs, Gelatin Gerald and Bubbly Brandon watched their crewmen act. “Well, we shouldn’t be in trouble with the other pirates now.” Brandon said. “It ain’t like we told them to steal… did we?”

“That’s shnotty shwabbie better not be yankin’ our licorice!” Gerald yelled. “He better show us that them Lost Candies are worth all this nonsense!”

“Nice thieving, Mags!” Augustus praised, viewing the small sack of yellow starbursts the child had stolen. “This should be more than enough to go to Oceana.”

“Mw-mw!” Maggie smiled, reached into the bag, and drew out a Candycane Cutlass with gold stripes. “WHOA-HO-hooo!” Augustus took the blade and lightly rubbed it. “Nice!”

“You actually stole a lemon-flavored cutlass?!” Stewie exclaimed. “How much was it worth?”

“Mw-mw.”

“DANG, that’s a lot!” Rallo shouted. “I don’t actually understand her, but it is, right?”

“Mw.” Maggie winked.

“Okay, Oceana,” Augustus clutched the steering wheel firmly, “here we come!”

“You remember the coordinates, don’t you?” Stewie asked.

“Pull out my phone and double-check for me!”

Oceana; Sweets Factory

The Sweets Factory was the main candy distributor in all the ocean. The merman workers kept the salt out of their sweets, but when it came to applying sugar, they had Sugar Fairies for that. One of their products was fruit-flavored candy, made using real fruit collected from islands. The adorable little creatures had their own secluded break room, a tiny room with a tiny door. Knock knock knock. One of the fairies answered the door to a red-eyed fairy with blue hair and a blue tuxedo. “Hi, everybody!”

“HI, Sally the Salesman Fairy!” the fairies all chorused. “Did you enjoy Glitzville?”

“I sure as sugar did. And look! I brought back the Cupcake Core!” She pulled out a her-size cupcake colored sky-blue, with gold icing and a star-tipped wand, from her little pocket.

“Ooo, goody!” A fairy with a purple mermaid tail said. “Did anybody see?”

“Just a girl with blue hair and her kitty! Some bad men came, but I gave them the slip, and a boom! Tee hee! I’ll take this back to its hiding place. But no telling when the bad men will come again.”

“It’s okay. We’ll make them go slippy again!”

“That will look sweetielicious! Well, off to hide it. Be right backsy!” She picked up the big cupcake, waddling as she carried it off.

The mer-fairy’s cellphone rang. “It’s for me!” She took it out and answered. “Hello? Oh? …Princess Zeiry?”

Above the surface

The sun was setting over the Atlantic. The Ace Flyer flew over the part of the ocean where Augustus’s digital map was marked. Stewie Griffin pulled out the shrunken Ace Swimmer and zapped it with his growth ray. The submarine puffed back to normal size, still in perfect condition. The captain parked the biplane next to the sub, taking Nel out of the trunk as the crewmen crossed to the sub. Stewie shrunk the plane afterwards and stored it in his Infi-Cube.

“Why is big rock floating?” Nel asked as they climbed into the submarine.

“Future caveman magic, Nelly.” Augustus started a new lollipop.

“You know, we may not be taking the front entrance, but how are we going to enter Oceana without being discovered?” Stewie asked as he started up the controls.

“We’re going to park a few miles away from the actual town. Then we’re going to eat these Oxybursts and walk there. We’ll sneak around and look for anyone who looks like a fairy.”

“As foolproof as plans get.” Stewie remarked. “Okay, all systems are go. Get ready to submerge.”

The submarine sunk below the surface, headlights pointing the way forward. They saw the great bubble containing the oceanic city many fathoms below. The pirates parked a few miles away, within a small coral gorge. “Here you go, Nel.” Augustus fed the cavechild the yellow oxygenated starburst, which she began to chew.

“Rock ish really squishy.” Nel said through chews. “Ish rock become mud?”

“Sure it is, Little Gal.” Augustus smiled, adored by her primitive behavior. “Everybody eat their Oxybursts? Then let’s go.”

They climbed out the submarine’s bottom hatch, their lungs light thanks to the magic candy (Nel wouldn’t get the complex science). Stewie, Rallo, and Maggie felt very heavy thanks to the Devil Fruits in their veins. Augustus had to lift the four kids as he jumped large crevices or skipped over mounts. Jumping around underwater was as easy as jumping around space. At the very edge of Oceana’s barrier, the crew could hide under a short wall. Augustus peeped up, and Nel curiously did the same, clutching the top of the wall. “It looks like a back alley section. Let’s go in.” Augustus hoisted the babies up, and they all entered the bubble.

The crew snuck between two warehouse-like buildings, keeping eyes out for anyone. There were seahorse-drawn carts that octopus Fishmen were hauling boxes into. Stewie took out his binoculars and zoomed on the building across the yard. “Wait a second, this is the Sweets Factory!” he realized. “It’s where Oceana produces all of its candy! The place that Big Mom ordered from.”

“You know, Big Mom offers me a few crumbs from the candy she orders here… they’re pretty good.” Augustus said. “W- Hold on… do you think Aisling’s friend works here?”

“Why would you think that?” Rallo asked.

“Well, if she and Zeira wanna find the Lost Candies, maybe the friend does, too. Maybe there’s a Lost Candy in here or something.”

“Aughsucks, look!” Nel pointed at the side of the warehouse they were beside. “It’s cave drawing of you, but on square leafs and weird paint.”

The Marzipans saw the wanted posters she indicated. Stewie Griffin - $80,000, Maggie Simpson - $56,000, Rallo Tubbs - $33,000, and Augustus – 700,000 Chocolate Dollars. “First, Nel, it’s called paper, and it isn’t paint, it’s called gradient, Adobe Photoshop, and Adobe InDesign. But holy cow, they upped my bounty by 200,000!”

“We can’t go into that factory, they’ll catch us red-handed!” Stewie stated.

“That’s why it’s called bein’ stealthy! What, did you wanna send Nel inside and ask around? Not like she’s wanted.”

“It could work.” Rallo said with sarcasm. “Mah mom catches cave kids scavenging around the trash all the time, they won’t notice a thing.”

“Nel good at stealing from Rocknut cave.” Nel smiled silly. “Nel move like jaguar. Dumb cavemen no notice.”

“Mw-mw, mw-mw, mw-mw.” Maggie pointed.

“Those vents do look small enough for Nel.” Stewie said. “Perhaps if we miniaturize, Nel could carry us inside.”

“You turn small again?” Nel asked.

“And you carry us again! Can you do it, Nel?” Augustus asked.

The cavechild smiled adorably. “Nel is glad to help Aughsucks. Nel is happy for Aughsucks for bringing her to Futur.”

“Aughsucks—I mean, Augustus is happy to have you in Futur. ’kay, Stew, let’s-”

“NO.” Stewie shouted. “I told you to NOT call me that!”

“Just shrink us!” Stewie groaned and shrank the three crewmen, followed by himself. Nel scooped them in her little hands and hid them in the eye socket of her skull mask. (Play “Wriggle Sweet Room” from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!)

Stage B-15: Sweets Factory

Mission: Find info about Aisling’s friend.

Nel scampered into the open factory yard, coming to twin rows of sacks of flour lying on the ground. The parallel sacks were used to prop another sack up from the ground. When a hammerhead Fishman was approaching, carrying two sacks in his arms, Nel crouched and hid under one of the propped-up sacks, otherwise he was sure to notice the cavegirl with his stretched-apart eyes. “Ehhh, where was I supposed to lay these?” the Fishman asked himself, mindlessly walking back-and-forth beside the rows. Nel had to keep crawling under the flour sacks, and when the Fishman walked away from the end of the row, Nel crawled out and kept running.

The cavegirl came to a row of crates, which were each spread apart by one crate-length. A barracuda Fishman was looking into a different crate, his back facing them—he whipped around at the sound of Nel’s faint footsteps. The girl hid behind the first crate just in time, but with every footstep she made, he would whip back around. When the barracuda wasn’t looking, Nel had to position herself and perform a sideways midair flip between each crate, so when she landed behind the next one, the Fishman wouldn’t see her. After the last crate, Nel could make a dash for the fence gate around the factory’s boundaries. Too bad there was a searchlight.

An angler Fishman stood on a watchtower and lit the area around the gate with his light. The fence itself had barbed wire on top of it (was that really safe for an underwater city?). However, there was a small, open box nearby that contained light-rainbow-colored, wriggling critters that were as big as footballs, and had several skinny stems that served as their limp legs. Nel couldn’t read, but the box said Wriggle Sweets. Nel picked out one of the wiggling critters, throwing it into the searchlight. Nel gestured right, and the Wriggle Sweet followed her direction, luring the curious searchlight away. Nel rushed for the gate, using her short size to crawl under a gap at the bottom.

Once Nel was under the targeted air vent, Maggie climbed off her head as Stewie zapped her to normal size. The non-speaking baby shot her grappling hook above the vent and pulled Nel up with her. Maggie used a screwdriver to unlatch the top of the vent, the two climbed inside, then Maggie pulled the vent back up, assuming it wouldn’t fall off the rest of its bolts. The girls crawled through the duct, dropped down a vertical shaft, and smashed through a vent at the bottom, creating a loud noise that made Maggie wince. Thankfully, the room they were in was stacked with big crates and no immediate guards.

Stewie proceeded to resize the rest of their crew. “Nice job, Nel!” Augustus praised. “But we’re going to have to keep it up. So, let’s be careful when breaking vents open, okay?”

“Mw-mw.” Maggie rolled her eyes.

The pirates jumped up some short stacks of crates, but afterwards they had to sidle along a thin ledge left open by a taller stack. They could climb into an open spot between two stacks, leading inside the crate fort. They looked over a narrow path below, where a lazy Fishman was asleep on a pile of fallen candy. Above their perch, the top ends of some boxes were slightly open. The crew used their Licoropes to swing these boxes, and doing so caused them to open and spill more candy down below. The kids thankfully made it across before the snoozing Fishman would notice.

They jumped down on a floor below, and from here they could pass a doorway with a fruity-flavored waterfall. They coughed after passing the fall, while also savoring its taste. A conch-shell speaker rang as an announcement spoke: “The Sweets Factory’s new anti-Oxyburst magic fruitfalls are guaranteed to give any non-merman intruder a hard time! A big thanks to all staff for supporting this proposal.”

“Wait, so our Oxybursts won’t work now?!” Augustus shouted. “NOT CONVENIENT!”

They were in a room where a huge gap separated their ledge with the opposite ledge. A 3-feet deep pool of water was down below, along with some floaties. There were gears on the other side, and they had view of the side of a turnable cog lodged within the wall. Augustus threw his Gobstopper at the gear, turned it, the ball bounced back, and the water rose slightly higher, but sunk back down quickly. Augustus kept throwing and hitting the gear until the water was at their level. The babies jumped across the floaties and made it without drowning. The four kids stacked atop each other so Rallo could keep spinning the cog, letting Augustus swim across the level water.

The next room was puffing colorful bubbles of water, made of fruity flavors and magically floating. Augustus jumped into a yellow, lemon-flavored one close by, swimming in it as though it were normal water. He stuck his head out and said, “Tastes yucky, but it’s safe.”

“Even if we could breathe in those things, we can’t swim.” Stewie stated. “Can you carry all of us across them?”

“It won’t be easy to jump them… Fine, hang on.” To reach the bubbles that were higher, Augustus had to swim toward the top of his bubble, perform a Torpedo Spin, and launch out of the bubble with the momentum, reaching the higher one. Augustus got to a cherry-flavored bubble, propelled to a smaller grape bubble, and then he could Torpedo Jump to a ledge with four bottles of Fizzy Lift. However, he noticed a much smaller cherry bubble with a Gold Wonka Bar above it. He couldn’t build enough momentum to reach it from the grape bubble, so he had to start from the lemon bubble and perform consecutive, nonstop Torpedo Spins, to the large cherry, to the grape, and then his jump was strong enough to reach the small cherry and grab the candybar.

Augustus grabbed the four soda bottles on the ledge, dropped back to the Baby Trio plus Nel, and allowed them to drink. “Wuuuuhh…” Nel felt extremely light, turning upside-down once she was off her feet. “Nel feels like bubble…”

“Help her float, you three.” Augustus ordered the trio. “And move quickly.”

The captain made his way back up to the ledge, the babies floating after him as they entered a corridor with a watery chasm. Fruity bubbles floated in here, too, so Augustus used them to cross the room while the babies had to maneuver around them. There were cannons stationed on either wall (they looked like F.L.U.D.D. from Mario Sunshine), shooting huge globs of water through the fruit bubbles, so the pirates made sure to avoid them.

A waterfall blocked part of the passage, but Augustus noticed a bubble on his upper left against the wall, holding a switch. Augustus shot up to it, hit the switch, and dropped back down to the bigger bubble. The waterfall stopped, but the crew encountered another one. There was a gear in the right wall, which the airborne babies turned to make the waterfall open. Augustus could jump to a ledge, which had another gear to keep the waterfall open and let the babies join him.

The Fizzy Lift wore off just in time. They passed another doorway and were standing on a ledge overlooking a room with a long treadmill. Sugar Fairies dressed like fruit were dipping sugar onto sweets passing along the treadmill. “Hey, Sugar Fairies do work here!” Augustus exclaimed. “We’ll ask one of them!”

“Are you daft, they’ll alert the guards!” Stewie reminded. “There’s two of them at that door!” He indicated the puffer Fishmen beside the door on the left wall. One was blue, one was dark-pink.

“Sigh, good point. Let’s see if there’s a way around them.”

“Wait! I got an idea.” Rallo extracted the boombox in his afro, cleared his throat, and spoke with a magnified voice: “Attention all Sugar Fairies: Free coconut cookies and chocolate milk in the break room.”

“EEEEEEEEEEEE!” The adorable little fairies scampered happily in circles before piling into tiny doorways.

“Way to manipulate the predictable.” Augustus pulled out his dry lollipop and dropped it.

“Maggie says there’s Pop Gum over there.” Stewie pointed across the room. “Perhaps I can control the ceiling cranes with this panel and lift Nel across.”

“Now things are convenient.”

Stewie approached the control panel on their right, with Augustus lifting the baby so he could reach. The cranes began to move under Stewie’s control, so he lowered the closest one for Nel to grab onto. He moved the crane to the next one so Nel could swing to it, and repeated the process until the cavegirl landed on the opposite ledge. She grabbed a container of orange Pop Gum and started chewing. She then jumped down to the lower floor, behind the treadmill so the guards wouldn’t see, and the others did the same as they crawled over to her.

Augustus grabbed Nel, peeped up over the treadmill, and when both puff-fish yawned at the same time, Augustus shot a gum into each of them so they would PUFF. With that, the pirates could pass the incapacitated guards and enter a room with a pool. There was a ledge on the other side with a bushel of Rock Candy. It was too high for Augustus to Torpedo Jump to, but he could push the dark-pink inflated puff-fish in and balance on her round body (his boots protected him from her spikes). He allowed the babies to cling onto him, throwing them up onto the foothold before jumping on himself.

They ate the Rock Candies and encased their selves in spheres, with Augustus sharing his with Nel. They rolled into the water and each held down four switches. This opened a gate, leading them into an underwater passage. The four had to maneuver around mines and force their rock spheres against four different, long buttons on the walls. They had to press these buttons simultaneously, as they would begin to stretch back out, giving them a limited time to get into the gate. This led them to a tunnel with pitfalls on either side, and pipes shooting currents that threatened to push them in. They pushed through the currents quickly, stayed on the path, and rolled above a surface.

They smashed their crystal spheres against a ledge, which the kids peeked over to see into a room with a giant apple rotating on a stand. There was a path carved into and around the apple (that part of skin was cut off), and Sugar Fairies were digging into it. The crew could casually walk around the apple with the fairies busy, and another box of Wriggle Sweets was found in a corner. Augustus picked one out, hid under the entrance ledge, and tossed the sweet several feet to the right in the room. The captain Armament punched the wall, making the Sugar Fairies whip to attention and notice the Wriggle Sweet.

They immediately climbed off the giant apple and swarmed in, making little “AWWWWE”s and saying “Silly Wriggle Sweet!” With the cute fairies all nuzzling the critter, the pirates put on their Corn-Clamber Boots and marched up the giant fruit (August carried Nel). At the top of the apple, they could see a giant banana swinging up and down, so when it was down, the pirates jumped to and latched their boots to it. They trekked to the top of the banana, and when it swung up, they could jump to a ledge.

At the end of this ledge was a large orange spinning aimlessly in place. They could only briefly spot the cut part, so Augustus went first in jumping and sticking to it. The orange would rotate by a floating, stable cut lemon platform, which the captain jumped to, and from there, he faced a giant floating bushel of purple grapes. A specific row of grapes were taking turns turning and exposing their green undersides before turning back. Augustus jumped to the first one when it came, stepped across the following ones quickly, but before jumping to the platform above his vision, he kept following the green grapes higher up the bushel to get a floating Wonka Bar.

He jumped to the foothold afterwards and set Nel down as they awaited the others—the Baby Trio merely launched their grappling hook to the ledge and hauled their selves over. “Platforming isn’t normally our thing.” Stewie remarked, earning an eye-roll from Augustus. The crew entered the next hallway, which had several high ledges with water pools before them. The first one was short and squirted water spouts, so when one was about to shoot, they jumped in and were pushed up to the next ledge.

The next pool was longer, but twin rows of spouts led to the ledge. Each set of spouts took turns, starting from their end and moving to the other end, but they were only up for half a second. They quickly jumped on one of the starting spouts and raced across the following ones as they came. The third pool’s spouts were more spread-out and had water cannons shooting big bubbles. They kept their eyes out for spouts about to pop up, avoided the water cannons, and successfully reached the final ledge.

They were in a large, dim-lit room with several security devices protecting a capsule with a blue cupcake with golden icing. “Damn, and Ah thought mah mom liked to hide cupcakes from me.” Rallo said. “They didn’t have any good ceiling cabinets?”

“A cupcake? Maggie, gimme those.” Augustus took the girl’s binoculars for a better view of the sweet. “…Is that the Cupcake Core?”

“One of the Lost Candies?” Stewie asked.

“Yep. I may not know what it looks like, but the crazy security makes it a pretty likely guess. Alright, kiddies, it’s time for some Mission: Impossible.”

There were two rows of searchlights rotating endlessly in the same direction. There was an empty spot in each row, but they weren’t next to each other. Thankfully, there was a Wriggle Sweet box close by. Augustus waited for the empty spot to show, then quickly threw the sweet into the light next to the spot. The entire row ceased rotating so that one light could shine on the sweet. When the second row’s empty spot came by, the kids jumped through.

A glass wall blocked their way, but fruity water bubbles were coming out of cannons below, floating up quick and popping on the ceiling. Augustus went by himself, Torpedo Jumping his way across the bubbles, going a half circle around the center where the Cupcake Core was, then he was able to swim into an opening in the glass. He pressed a switch to open the glass, so the four kids could jump over the gap where the bubbles came from.

Another glass wall protected the Cupcake Core, and there was a short water spout risen up on one area. Two Amps (floating electric balls with faces) flew circles around the glass wall, electrifying the water spout when it went through. Augustus jumped onto the spout, and a stairway of them rose up and around the glass. Augustus hurriedly ran over the spouts, jumping the ones that would be electrified by the Amps, until he could get inside an opening in the glass. He pressed a switch to open the glass and let the babies inside. The only thing protecting the cupcake was an electric barrier with four generators.

“Time for Stone Fist to mark his name.” Augustus turned his hands Armament and punched his palms. He punched and destroyed each generator as the electricity stopped. The captain marched up and took the cupcake with the star wand. (End song.)

“Mmmm… That rock look yummy.” Nel asked with big sparkling eyes and a drooling mouth.

“Sorry, Nel, but I don’t know if these regenerate like the Sugary Wonders.” Augustus turned the cupcake and studied every inch. “But man, I bet this tastes like Heaven. Or greater.”

Suddenly, the room turned red as alarms rang, and Sugar Fairies dressed as fruit hung onto ropes and surrounded them, aiming tiny bows and arrows. “Hands where we can see ’em!” one yelled in their squeaky tone. “You may think you’re a bunch of sneaky rats, but rats don’t sneak by us. Because we’re teenier than them!”

“Man, those voices are starting to hurt my ears.” Augustus remarked.

“When we shoot you with our cupid bows, you’ll go gaga over each other. You’ll be kissing and kissing, and we’ll take pictures and post them on the Internet.”

“And since that boy is a teen, ALL his friends will think he’s a creepy perv who stalks little kids.”

“Ruining someone’s future is funilicious! Get ready to fire, fairies!” They all readied their arrows.

“Wait! Don’t hurt them!” The Sugar Fairy with the purple mermaid tail flew in. “They’re the people Princess Zeira called about!”

“You mean he’s the pirate Augustus?” The fairies lowered their weapons and looked more closely.

“Yes! He’s on all the pictures.”

“Wait, Zeira told you about me?” Augustus asked.

“She did. She said you were searching for the Lost Candies. Our friend, Sally just brought the Cupcake Core back from Glitzville. Princess Zeira called us and said to keep it safe, because a smelly man called Augustus was searching for the Lost Candies!”

“Only smelly ’cause I change baby diapers all the time.” Augustus subconsciously passed the cupcake to Nel while he fished around for a new lollipop. “But since we’re here anyway, do you fairies know if the Lost Candies regenerate if they’re eaten?”

“A berry good question.” The mer-fairy said as Nel studied the delicious cake in her hand. “It’s hard to say, really.” Nel sniffed the cake, entranced by its scent. “Because the Lost Candies…” Nel opened her mouth for a big bite, “are indestructible!”

CHOMP! They whipped their attention at Nel. She had golden icing around her lips. She licked it off. The pirates and fairies merely stared at the innocent-looking cavechild. “. . . . Nel’s tummy heavy…”

“Did you just swallow the Cupcake Core whole??” Augustus questioned.

“It big, but squishy rock. But now Nel feel sick. Nel like taste, though.” She smiled.

“Boy, that’s going to be a really big poop.” The mer-fairy said.

“EEEEEEEWWWW!” the other fairies squealed.

“Oh yeah, almost forgot!” Augustus spoke up. “We came here to begin with because the Forest Princess, Aisling mentioned a friend of hers in this town. Would you know anything about that?”

“You must mean the Ocean Fairy Princess, Lapis.” A fairy dressed like a banana said. “But she hasn’t been seen in eight years. And it was all because of…”

“Hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu…” The fairies shivered, afraid to speak of the culprit’s name.

“The alarms went off in here!” They faced the entrance to the room as Fishmen began to storm in.

“Crap, it’s the buzz!” Augustus exclaimed.

“THAT’S them!” the puffer Fishwoman yelled. “They used me as a platforming prop!”

“I don’t think we’ll be able to speak for you with these guys!” the mer-fairy yelled.

Augustus kicked Nel several feet backwards. “Nel’s not on the wanted posters. After they take us, can you fairies guide her outside? Bring her behind the factory and tell her to get to the sub. Oh, and give her this after you’re outside.” He tossed them an Oxyburst.

“IT’S OVER, pirates!” The Fishmen grabbed the four humans and handcuffed them. “We’re taking you to Samiya! You’ll be lucky if the Ocean King treats you well. Nice work catching them, fairies. We’ll throw you some extra gummy koalas.” The guards began to escort the pirates outside, not noticing the cavegirl in the faint light.

The Marzipan Pirates were locked in the palace dungeon after they were shown to the guards. It was dark, empty of other prisoners, and, not surprisingly, damp. “At least they air-bubbled our cell.” Augustus said with a casual smile.

“Ugh, what the hell are we going to do now?” Stewie asked angrily. “They took all of our weapons, AND the other Oxybursts.”

“Do you think they’ll let us call our moms?” Rallo asked with worry. “But I don’t remember my house’s phone number! OH GOD, we’re gonna get eat by fish-people!” He gripped his afro and shook.

“Chill out, you twerps. At least it can’t get any worse than this.” Augustus said.

That’s when a merman appeared and opened their cell door. “You’ve got a new cellmate. Enjoy him.” He tossed what seemed like a big yellow sponge with limbs into the cell before closing.

The sponge pushed his hands against the floor and propped himself up on his feet. “Not the most comfy place for a slumber party, is it?”

“Wait a sec…” Augustus gaped at the sponge, his lollipop falling out. “You’re-”

“AAAAAHH OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!” Stewie shook ecstatically. “You’re Spongebob Squarepants, oh I’m such a HUUUUUGE fan!”

“Hold on, Stewie, is that yo’ dad??” Rallo questioned.

“No he’s not, but I WISH he was!!”

“I just assumed he was because BOTH of you need your asses cancelled.”

“Oh, HA HA, become an old comedian, why don’t you.”

“What the hell is he doing in here?” Augustus asked.

“I don’t know.” Spongebob shrugged with honest confusion. “I was just on a downtown jellyfishing run (excuse all the wrecked carriages outside) when these mermen started trying to arrest me for hurting their princess, or something…”

“Princess? Was she a Fairy Princess?”

“I dunno. Ooo, but if I was a woman, I would be the Princess of Krabby Patties…” He imagined himself in a flowing gown designed like his favorite sandwich, and had a castle made of ketchup and mustard bottles.

“. . . . PWAH HAH HA, pwah hah ha!” Stewie started cracking up. “Hah hah ha! HAH ha! OH, that is quality comedy you don’t get on Cartoon Network!” He wiped a tear. “Please, Augustus, let him join our crew!”

“You have a pirate crew?” Spongebob asked. “Oh, I’d love to, but I can’t. There’s someone I’m supposed to meet. He’s upstairs in the palace with his friends, but I won’t be able to leave with him if I’m a criminal.”

Augustus turned his hands Armament and tried to tug the cell bars. “Man, these’re tough. But I think I have a plan. Spongebob, do you remember that episode where you and Patrick were making faces or something?”

“Are you talking about the Season 8 episode ‘Face Freeze’, the Season 12 episode ‘Face Flash’ where we tried to get the silliest picture for Photo Day at Mrs. Puff’s Boating School, or the Season 18 episode ‘Face Frenzy’ where everyone in Bikini Bottom tried to make funny faces and ended up-”

“JUST make a face! Any of them will do!”

“Okay! Just give me a sec to prep up.” He turned around and started rearranging his face.

“GUUUAAARD!” Augustus called. “We have a medical emergency!”

The merman jailer swam over, looking suspicious. “What seems to be the ailment?”

“POOR DESIGN QUALITY!” Augustus grabbed Spongebob and faced him at the guard: Spongebob’s eyes, nose, and mouth were inside-out, exposing the hideous and snot-oozing undersides.

“AAAAAHHH!” The merman screamed before passing out and floating up like a dead fish. His keys sunk down, allowing Augustus to grab them and open the cell. “I’ll swim out and grab our things, you kids wait here with Sponge.” He dropped the sponge on the floor and swam out of the air bubble.

Stewie, Rallo, and Maggie tried to hold their stomachs in, their faces green. “I don’t remember any of those episodes! BLUEEEH!” Stewie puked.

Augustus swam out to the lobby and found a giant clam holding their Infi-Cube and Maggie’s weapons. Augustus tugged the clam open with Armament hands and grabbed the items before quickly swimming back. He grabbed some Oxybursts from the Infi-Cube and gave one to each baby and himself. Stewie grabbed a remote control from the cube and pressed some buttons. “I’ve set the Ace Swimmer to come to our location. We’ve got to get to the barrier!”

“No time to lose!” Augustus grabbed the babies and Spongebob in his arms. “Let’s go, Sponge!”

As he struggled to swim through the lobby, Spongebob noticed the clam Augustus tore open minutes ago. “That reminds me of the time I fell in love with a Krabby Patty and killed a bunch of baby clams to protect it!”

“Your show teaches kids to kill birds for food??” Rallo questioned.

“Mw-mw-mw.” Maggie noted.

“I think he was trying to avoid saying that.” Stewie replied.

“Prisoner escape!” More bands of mermen were swimming out once the pirates made it to the palace foyer. “They’re taking the Yellow Devil!”

“Oh, like the episode where I dressed up as a monster and fell into a church while I was jellyfishing!” Spongebob remembered as Augustus kept carrying him.

“Not even gonna question that!” the captain remarked.

Stewie grabbed a jetpack and a missile launcher to fly overhead and blast at incoming guards, and Maggie shot bullets at floating swordfish. As they were escaping the palace, Augustus looked back and saw the group of human kids, and one redheaded adult, rushing out to observe the situation, along with the Ocean King himself. “Uh-oh. ’Guess we played around too long!”

“WAIT! That boy is the kid I was talking about!” Spongebob pointed.

“If you’re still wanted, it won’t work to just throw you to him!”

“There’s the submarine!” Stewie pointed.

“Right on time!”

Rallo spun around to shoot soundwaves at the pursuing guards. Once they were at the barrier, Augustus grabbed onto the babies, jumped out, and quickly swam to the submarine, climbing in the still-open bottom hatch. Nel had thankfully made it back beforehand, picking her nose at the time of their arrival. Stewie jumped at the controls and turned off the autopilot. “As soon as we’re back in the sky, they shouldn’t be able to-” The submarine quaked just then.

“What was that?!” Rallo yelped.

A face made of water and bubbles appeared at the ship’s front window, glaring venomously at the escapees. “Just where are you going, little worms?” Eva Jackson hissed.

“SEA MONSTEEERRR!” Rallo flailed his arms.

“No, Logia waterbender.” Augustus spat his lolli-stick out and punched his palms. “Not a problem for me, anymore!” He dove out of the submarine and swam to the woman’s projected water-body. With his fists hardened, he dealt quick jabs at the liquid body, blocking Eva’s chi as she shrunk back into her human form. “A-a-a-ah!” She was forced to hold her breath underwater.

“Kids, don’t drink and swim!” Augustus winked at the woman before going back in his sub.

The mermen were still giving chase, but as soon as the pirates reached the surface, Stewie threw the shrunk Ace Flyer and zapped it to normal size. They jumped in the plane, Stewie shrunk the Swimmer and stored it, and Augustus quickly set the plane for liftoff. “Love to stay, Oceana, but we have places to be!” Augustus cheered.

“Ooo, going on pirate adventures is gonna be so much fun!” Spongebob said excitedly. “I’ve been ready for this longer than I can remember! Check out this pirate tattoo I have on my right buttock!” He dropped his pants-

“UUUGH!” The crewmates shut their eyes (except Nel, who looked curious as always).

“PLEASE get rid of him!” Stewie clutched his captain’s pants and cried pleadingly. “He’s not as funny as he used to be, now he’s just annoying and I want him gone, I don’t want him in our crew anymore, pleeeeaaase!”

“Alright, alright! …Hey, there’s those people again!” Augustus pointed at a yacht in the sea ahead. “They catch up fast. Lemme just write a note.” Augustus grabbed a small paper and pencil from a compartment at his seat, wrote You twerps owe me one, drew the Marzipan Jolly Roger, and posted it on Spongebob’s forehead. “Stewie, now!”

Stewie shot the annoying sponge with his shrink ray, then Augustus threw him down to the yacht. The mermen were hopelessly pursuing their plane from afar, not aware that Spongebob was safe on his friends’ yacht.

“Sigh…that was exhausting.” Augustus sighed as they flew under the night. “Nel, do you still have the cupcake?”

“Mm-hm…” Nel rubbed her sore belly.

“You know, why is it called the Cupcake Core, anyway?” Stewie asked.

“The same reason for the Sugar Fuel?” Augustus cocked a brow. “Heck, even the Rock Nut looks like the fastener type of ‘nut.’ …Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t notice these things.”

“The Lost Candies are named after terms that would apply to… a machine of some sort.” Stewie thought aloud.

“Well, except the Sun Cream. Speaking of which, if the Lost Candies are indestructible, how did Veruca’s Devil Fruit powers still affect the Sun Cream?”

“Indestructible doesn’t mean they can’t be supernaturally transformed in some way.” Stewie argued.

“I dunno… something doesn’t add up about that whole thing. Well, at least now we have two Lost Candies. Unless we count Zeira’s Sugar Fuel, that means we have half of them. And I remember where Luviro said we could find another one: the Gear Heart.”

“That’s named after a machine part, too!” Stewie noticed.

“Exactly. The names can’t just be a coincidence. And by the time we find them all, we may as well know. And as for the Gear Heart, get ready to go to the place where they all keep dancing in your face: Kamabaka Kingdom.”

“Oh, Stewie, your hometown!” Rallo joked.

“Oh, shut up.”

Chapter Text

The sky somewhere

On a chilly, starry night, the Marzipan Pirates decided to rest on a small Island Cloud. They slept next to their parked plane and listened to the peaceful music of the Mariachi Owls, whom were drifting on a different cloud. “Welcome, faithful viewers, to another chapter of Augustus’s Candied Adventure.” The band leader said. “Here, our intrepid explorers are weary from traveling through time, clashing with enemy pirates, and having nothing to eat but candy. They have come here to rest for the unbearable trials ahead.”

Ohhhhh the Stone Fist Augustus

And his four young crewmen

They got in a fuss with

Some demonic women…

“How long are they gonna follow us…” Rallo moaned in aggravation.

“They’re just sad because someone they know died.” Augustus said. “Even though they foreshadowed his death, like, 20 years ago.”

And we know how Augustus

Does with the ladies

He certainly likes them

With skirts and braidies

His eyes widened. “Um…what is this song about, exactly?”

When he’s not hunting candy

They’re always on his mind

From nearly the PM

To the AM of nine

Stewie, Rallo, and Maggie crawled away from the captain, looking creeped out.

These notes are believable

Just take it from meeee

We-put-cameras-in-his-room-on-Whole-Cake

Just so we can see

“GYAAAH!” Augustus snatched one of Stewie’s weapons, shot the cloud the owls were on, and watched them plummet to the sea. “Sigh…” The captain lay back down.

Nel crawled up on Augustus’s chest and stretched her arms in a hugging position as she slept. “Pterodactyl song make Aughsucks attractive.”

“Ugh…”

“Why haven’t we gone to Kamabaka, yet?” Stewie asked. “It was right there.”

“Because Mandy’s ship was sailing around it, Dummy. Like they waiting for us. But it’s gone now, so maybe they gave up. First thing in the morning, we’ll fly there and look for the Gear Heart.”

Boogey Bay

Captain Mandy returned to her cabin with a half-drunk bottle of rum in one hand. “Did we enjoy ourselves?” said Lord Licorice with a wry smile, sitting on Mandy’s throne.

“Didn’t I tell you you can’t be in here without my permission?”

“Somebody had to.” The Candy Lord stood up. “Still think His Majesty rules with bias intent? He was quite fond of Mr. Uno, too. Imagine the pain he felt in executing him. I wish we hadn’t have left Kamabaka just so you could attend his funeral.”

“I had to.” Mandy sat herself on the throne. “I owe Rachel that much, at least.”

“Balderdash! You helped her slay a powerful Demon King when you were children, what more can she want from you? I, on the other hand, have a job to complete. I can easily persuade His Majesty to have the Fairy Princess captured, no matter where she may be… but I can use the same powers of authority to have you assassinated by the Cipher Pols. So, Captain Mandy, we had better get back to hunting those Lost Candies ASAP! Since the job involves taking revenge on Captain Augustus, you can’t possibly want to refuse.”

Mandy glared at the lord. “Why are you so fixated on these lame candies, anyway? What do you, the King of the World’s dog, have to gain from expending all your time and energy trying to find them?”

“The King’s orders are absolute! That is all I will tell you. I will send word to the other pirate crews to secure the locations of the other Lost Candies. We are to make sail to Kamabaka again soon. On your command, ‘Captain.’” Licorice exited the cabin.

“Hmm… Understood.” Mandy stood up and moved her throne aside. She opened a secret hatch on the wall and pulled out a dusty book with cobwebs dangling from it. Fairy Sisters: Sugar Fairies. “After all… it’s not like the Lost Candies peak my interests as well.”

Kamabaka Kingdom, the next day

Like Augustus promised, he flew his crew to Kamabaka when morning hit. The island’s most notable features were towering cliffs that were shaped like hearts at the top, composed of red and pink trees. There was a treehouse on top of the biggest mountain, the base of Sector KB.

The Ace Flyer landed at the base of a path going up through a forest, and would lead up the mountains. “Sorry the wait was so long, but here we are: the island with the weird name.” Augustus announced with little enthusiasm. “The bushes in this forest are lush with natural-growing heart candy, and at the top of this mountain lies the Gear Heart. We may just be able to find it without setting into town whatsoever.”

“You got a problem with this town?” Rallo remarked.

“Nah.” Augustus opened a new lollipop. “I don’t care if we do or not. It’s just hard to find any ladies that’ll smooch me.” He smirked before starting the lolli.

“Aughsucks want female to mate with?” Nel smiled.

“Still too young, Nel. And at the same time way too old. O-kay, pre-stage banter done, on-stage banter starts now.” (Play “Deep Woods” from Sonic and the Black Knight!)

Stage B-18: Lovely Hill

Mission: Find the Gear Heart!

Boko Babas grew out of the ground, likely planted there by the Boogey Pirates. Augustus sliced them with little struggle using his new Lemon Candycane Cutlass. They came to a gorge where they would have to swing vines to the opposite ledge, and said vines had small red hearts on their ends. They were too far apart, and when Augustus threw his Gobstopper at the closest one, it wouldn’t even budge. “Hmm…I remember reading about this place in a book. Everything in this forest only reacts to love.”

“Welp, I guess it was now or never.” Stewie said. “Come here, Rallo.”

“NOT LIKE THAT!” August shouted. “We have to use certain Heart Candies to make things react!”

“Oh! Well, of course I was only just kidding… of course.” Stewie blushed.

“I wanna file a restraining order when we get back.” Rallo said.

They jumped down into the gorge and saw two monkeys with strange helmets eating Heart Candies by a bush, with the candies popping in their mouths. The helmets had red lights on them. When the monkeys spotted the pirates, they chucked the Pop Hearts at them, but Augustus punched the monkeys unconscious before Stewie shot his net gun to capture them. Augustus fed some of the Pop Hearts to Nel and used her to shoot the heart vines. The hearts inflated as the vines began swinging back and forth, allowing the pirates to swing across the gorge.

A gentle rain began to pour, but the morning sun was still shining bright through the clouds. The Marzipans needed to use their Corn-Clamber Boots to climb a cliff to the next area, but the wall would not allow the spikes to penetrate it. There was a puddle of reddish water that looked like Kool-Aid down in a corner of some trees. Augustus cut away the Kool Chus guarding it and stepped their Clamber Boots in the puddle, imbuing them with love apparently and enabling the team to step up the cliffside.

They stood on the shore of a Kool-Aid river, with lilipad-hearts floating in it. The hearts were too light for Augustus to stand on, and naturally, he was the only one who could swim in the river. The captain dove under and struggled to see through the bright redness. At the bottom of the deep river, four Dexihands were surrounding a Gold Wonka Bar, so Augustus chopped the ghoulish cyan hands before claiming the candy. He resurfaced and swam further down, seeing all the taller Heart Flowers that they would eventually have to jump. He saw a platform with some Shrink Sweets and took some.

Augustus hurriedly swam back to the four children and climbed back on shore. “Sigh, sorry that took so long. We’ll eat these and Nel will carry us.” He handed the other three a Shrink Sweet.

“Why do we need these when Stewie has a shrink ray?” Rallo questioned.

“’Cause we respect the stage design.” Augustus threw his lolli stick in the river. “Now get shrimpy, Shrimpy.”

After the four minimized, Nel picked them up and put them in the holes of her skull mask. The cavechild was light enough to jump on the lili-hearts. Some of the hearts had Bio Boko Babas latched underneath, so when Nel stepped on their lilipad, the plant monsters would flip it over, forcing Nel to jump quickly. The river turned right and more narrow as Nel jumped up a stairway of Heart Flowers, landing on a safe platform. She jumped two more Heart Flowers, dodging the Skulltula that dropped down and tried to bite her. Nel landed on a thin ledge on the right wall, with only enough room for her small feet as she sidled across. She got parallel with a path on the opposite side, and the cavegirl made a nimble pounce across.

When Nel was about to venture through a thin path of the rainforest, a swarm of bees began swarming around her head. “Aaaaahh! They like Rex Bees, but small! Nel sorry for taking honey!” she yelled as she tried to swat them away.

_{“Just keep moving, Nel! Maggie will shoot them!”} Augustus yelled. Nel pranced through the path on all fours as Maggie blasted missiles full of bug-repellant at the (giant to her) bees. Nel jumped a fallen tree and dodged right to avoid a Boko Baba. Nel turned left and pounced up a stairway of Heart Flowers, with Maggie continuously shooting upcoming bee swarms so the cavegirl could get through a curtain of heart vines. They stood upon a cliff overlooking the town, the morning sun shining beautifully through the rain clouds.

Nel set her friends on a rock with some Growth Gum, watching as they stretched big again. “You were a big help, Nel.” Augustus said, noticing her swollen features due to the bee stings. “It doesn’t hurt too badly, does it?”

“Mm-mm.” Nel shook. “Nel use love to run!”

“Heh heh…” The captain blushed. He lifted Nel over his shoulders to ride. They had to cross another cliffside with Corn-Clambers, but their boots needed a love source. A couple Kool-Aid Chuchus appeared close by, so Augustus sliced them into puddles. The four pirates stepped their clamber boots in the liquid to walk on the cliff. They could drop on an upcoming ledge, but Stewie saw three Pipo Monkeys below, catching Kool-Aid droplets from the cliff in their mouth. He proceeded to catch the apes in nets.

After landing on the ledge, the Marzipans viewed a rainbow road that stretched over the town, had many curves, and would go higher up the mountain. There was a bushel of Rock Candy, but when Augustus waved his hand through the rainbow, it waved and felt like mist. Further down the ledge was a rainbow waterfall, so he and the Baby Trio encased their selves in a Rock Candy sphere to roll to it. Heart-shaped panels stuck in and out of the ledge and threatened to push them off. The crew waited for each heart to retract as they reached the waterfall, rolled under, and drenched the rock spheres in its neon colors.

The crew returned to the rainbow road, and the rainbow-powered spheres were able to touch and ZOOM over the rainbow. They would’ve liked to admire the scenery as they were soaring over the town, but they had to focus on the road. There were holographic, rotating flowers on the rainbow, and when Augustus hit them rolling by, a slope tilted down from above and let them onto a higher path, where they rammed a Pipo Monkey that was forced up onto the ball.

The rainbow road began to zoom up and around the main mountain, during which they had to jump huge globs of water that rolled down from ahead. There were more flower cogs that the captain had to strike before jumping the water balls, and hitting all three would open an alternate route that curved along the right of the main road. They caught another Pipo Monkey, and the rainbow road reached its end over a cliff. The monkeys fell off Augustus’s shattered rock sphere and became dizzy as Stewie caught them.

It turns out that a large eyeball lodged in a ledge was crying the water balls. The explorers climbed a few steps before looking over a barren, gray ravine. They jumped into it, suspecting some type of blockage to be behind this. “Mw-mw.” Maggie turned around and indicated the blockage to her teammates: two giant stone eyes (with eyelashes) were twitching due to the small rocks lodged in their lids. “This is a weird level.” Stewie said.

“Help them out, Ralls.” August ordered, starting a new lollipop.

“Don’t use nicknames.” Rallo activated his afro stereos and stuck his head into the cracked wall under the eyes. By shaking the earth, the rocks fell out of the eyes and they started crying waterfalls. Augustus grabbed Rallo out and ran as the ravine started flooding. The crew climbed a short ladder up to a dry canal and kept running from the pursuing flow. More Cry Eyes were dropping water bombs from above, but they were a minor nuisance. At the end of the canal, they arrived at a small lake that was only partly filled, but thanks to the restored flow, it rose to full height.

Augustus grabbed the four kids and held them in the brief seconds it took to swim to the left shore, an arduous task with all four weighing him down. They had to catch their breath before studying their next puzzle: there were four platforms with heart switches, connected to pipes that ended at a stairway of deactivated water spouts. There was a Bounce Gum on the shore, and Augustus decided to attempt this puzzle himself first. He bounced over to the closest platform with a heart switch – he squished a Kool Chu that materialized, drenched his gum in its substance, and released the Kool-Aid when his gum pressed the switch.

August bounced three normal platforms to reach the next switch – it didn’t activate and the gum popped. The third platform had another one next to it with a Kool Chu. Augustus swam back to shore to repeat the puzzle, this time hitting the Chu and pressing the second switch. He then had to bounce on the shells of two large turtles, before the third turtle would serve as a boost to the switch. However, August continuously bounced on the turtle as it swam beside a platform with the Kool Chu, smashed it, then pressed the switch. From there, Augustus bounced some lilipads that sunk after one bounce. The Kool Chu spawned on a small lilipad which surprisingly withstood Augustus’s weight, then he pushed the fourth switch.

The Baby Trio used Bounce Gums to cross a row of platforms that served as a shortcut to the right shore. They all smashed some available Kool Chus so their gum would be permitted onto the stairway of now-active water spouts, setting foot on the ledge above. They were almost at the top of the mountain, but their path was blocked by a series of brick walls, and wooden towers with Bulblin archers perched on top. “Stewie, you’re the only one who hasn’t had a role in this stage, yet.” Augustus remarked. “Any ideas to get through here nice and easy?”

“Well, since this level revolves a lot around Kool-Aid, why not now? HEY, Kool-Aid!”

An unexcited Kool-Aid Guy appeared from their left. “You know the deal, kid. It’s five bucks to drink it, ten bucks to ride it.”

“Twenty Chocolate Dollars to burst all the way through here.” Augustus gave him the candy money.

“You got it. Alright, everyone hop into my liquid.” The pirates climbed into the giant pitcher. The Kool-Aid charged, broke through each brick wall, and tore the Bulblin towers down as well. “I’m gonna need a refill!” When Kool-Aid ran around a snakelike path in the jungle, Augustus directed him left and right to hit the Kool Chus and refuel him. They came to an open field, where Kool-Aid smashed open some cages with Pipo Monkeys hiding in them. He had to run around and get aligned with a series of stairway platforms, starting with the lowest one and jumping up each as they brought him to a high path with another wall to break through.

They were on a thin ledge on the side of the mountain, with a great view of the island below. Kool-Aid ran up a curve, going up a vertical path before Augustus yanked him and signaled to jump. Kool-Aid jumped a spike trap and ran up another wall, then jumped to the next path. He ran up a vertical path that took place behind a waterfall, having to jump between this one and a parallel path. His liquid poured out faster, so while there were no obstacles, he had to jump to where the Kool Chus appeared.

The Kool-Aid Man made it to the top of Lovely Mountain, where a rainbow arched over the summit. They bid the Kool-Aid Guy farewell and progressed, with rain continuing to pour through the sunlight. They found the source of the mountain’s waterfall, a lake where two figures were dancing and skiing as though the water was frozen. (End song.)

“LAAAA!” One of them was a black-haired boy dressed like a swan. “Mwaaaaa!” The other was a fat, yellow monkey with banana-shaped lips, green hair, wearing a Pipo Helmet and underwear that… was not quite big enough.

“Can you dance better than meeeee?” Bon Clay Jr. sang.

“We’ll just have to seeeee!” Yellow Monkey sang.

“WHEEEEEEE!” They skied close to and began twirling in the center, making graceful poses.

“What the HELL is this?” Augustus snapped.

“Yes, if they’re going to figure skate, where are all the snowballs?” Stewie asked. “Figure-skating’s always better when you throw a few-”

“STEWIE!” August stopped him. “Your sentences man, I…I don’t like some of your sentences!”

“Nel from past.” Nel said, still holding on the teen’s shoulders. “Nel don’t get references.”

“Yaaaaah yaaaaaah yaaaaaah!” The two figures kept dancing in place. Then, Clay and Yellow, with smirks on their faces, both swung a kick at each other. “OOOOWW!” Bon Clay took the blow and splashed in the non-solid water.

“Uh-uh-uuuuhhh!” Yellow twirled to a halt and wagged his finger. “You have to do better than that to touch me, Sweetheart! Honestly, have you looked at yourself in a mirror lately? How grodyyyyy!”

“Pleh, pleh!” Clay resurfaced. “At least my style comes from natural talent! I have my OWN heart to give me power! My own LOOOOOVE!” He spun and emerged from the water, making a pose as he stood on the liquid again.

“It doesn’t matter to me where love comes from.” The Freaky Monkey took out a pinkish-red heart, with bars that one would find on a gear, and hugged it. “As long as it tastes sensulicious!” He licked it.

“It’s the Gear Heart!” Augustus exclaimed, drawing his sword. “Hey, Chunky Ko-!” He splashed in the lake when he tried to run over.

“Un! Deux! Yaaaaaaa!” Bon Clay skied by when Augustus resurfaced. “You’re just gonna drop on in without showing so much as a pint of feeling? Get on outta here before you filthify this lake!”

“But I wanna help you beat him!”

“I am delighted by the offer, but you shan’t need to fear!” Clay twirled. “This dirty monkey invaded mah treehouse and assaulted my pals! It’s high time for his just desserts.”

“When are you gonna get it through your cute little head?” Yellow Monkey swayed his hip. “You can kick me and smack me as much as you want, but I’m so much more beautiful!”

“Sector KB does not belong to you, Flashy Hat Monkeys! Even if I die, I shall continue to dance against you until you fall flat on your bubbly belly!”

“Hoo hooooo! If you were looking for a way to stir my hair follicles, you might have just found it, Sweetie Feathers.” Yellow winked.

“Then our battle for the fate of Kamabaka begins right now!” Clay made a fighting pose.

“I’ll look forward to keeping your beaten body as my priiiize!”

“Then let’s go! UN!”

“DEUX!”

“HEEEEEEY!” Both stretched an arm, crossing each other’s like an ‘X’, and their epic battle commenced. (Play “Hippos on Ice” from Sly Cooper: Thieves in Time!)

Boss fight: Yellow Monkey

Both fighters put hands on their hips and skated circles around the center. They spun around and stretched one leg out, blinking flirtingly at the Pipo Cameras recording them. Clay and Yellow reunited at the center, holding each other’s arms as they swung kicks behind them. Yellow hugged Clay to his belly and jumped, then they held each other by one arm and rotated in place. Yellow spun faster and hurled Clay away, but the Sector Leader recomposed quickly and skated along the very edge of the lake. Yellow Monkey glided after him like a graceful ugly duckling. When Yellow was getting close, Clay swung a kick up, Yellow ducked and tried to grab him, but Clay dodged back, leapt over, and stamped Yellow in the head.

The monkey wobbled around dizzily, giving Clay the chance to kick him from behind and slide Yellow across the surface on his belly. (Again, we’re assuming both of them are male.) Yellow’s head slammed against the side, but the ape recovered as his vocals vibrated in anger. “Ooo-hoo-hoo-ho-o-o-o!” With that, both opponents returned to the center, facing each other as they did a Russian squat dance. They skied around for a second—then quickly threw punches at each other before Clay was slid away again.

Yellow Monkey drew the Gear Heart and slurped all over it before placing it back on his back. The ape glowed red and spun faster, exploding with hearts that flew everywhere. Bon Clay dodged the hearts and tried to kick Yellow Monkey, but the ape leaped over like a grasshopper and kicked the boy in the back. Clay spun about-face and kicked back against the wall to propel forward, but Yellow had already skied up to punch him in the gut. Yellow followed with a combo of punches before throwing one at Clay’s back and sliding him forward.

Yellow Monkey smooched the Gear Heart like a man making out with his pillow. His lips seemed to stretch when he pulled his face away, but it was actually a light-red sticky goop-like energy rope linking his mouth to the heart. He stretched it longer before the rope snapped off the Gear Heart, and Yellow spun before whipping it at Bon Clay. The Okama caught the whip on his mouth, around his puckered lips, and it seemed like his and Yellow’s lips were linked. Both dancers stared at each other with wide, sparkling eyes. They rotated around a center and were steadily pulling close. The sun seemed to shine on their moment. They grabbed each other, leapt in the air, and their faces moved closer…

Clay smirked, forced his momentum down and pulled Yellow with him as the ape smashed his helmet against the water-ground. Clay sliced the energy-rope with his bladed swan slipper, kicked Yellow in the belly, and rolled him against the side of the lake. Yellow got up and huffed, showing his rear to Clay as he skied away. Clay was making the same movements, except he was skiing backwards and following Yellow. When he caught up, both figures bent forward, reached behind to link hands, and their rears… okay, don’t need to know that part.

The Marzipan Pirates didn’t know what they were watching, and they didn’t know why they were still watching. This was supposedly a boss battle, but the momentum sort of shifted a lot. “Does everyone in Futur do this?” Nel asked.

“No sentient person does this, Nel.” Augustus said.

“Do they actually hate each other?” Stewie asked. “I feel like they’re either friends or rivals.”

Clay and Monkey kicked away from each other, circled the center in opposite ways, and when they reunited, Yellow grabbed Clay, who allowed the monkey to lead. Both of them had bright, dreamy smiles, and never felt closer with one-another. Yellow Monkey raised Clay high, making him feel like the graceful swan he is. Yellow then put Clay on his back and stretched his arms like he were an airplane. With a big smile, Clay stood and faced the opposite direction, posing like a lookout.

Bon Clay jumped off as they skied away from each other. “Heeeeey!” Clay called as Yellow faced him. The Sector Leader held the Gear Heart up.

“Ooooooh!” Monkey’s mouth shaped like an ‘o’, and was likely meant to say ‘For me?’

“There’s really not any conflict here, is there?” Augustus threw his dry lollipop away.

The Kool-Aid Guy sat a few feet away, smoking a cigar. “You kids ever see Paul Blart?”

Yellow smiled with graciousness, his hands open as he welcomed the boy back. Bon Clay flew over and set the Gear Heart in his hands, the two of them spinning in place. But then Clay yanked the heart and pulled Monkey over, kicking him in the stomach, and when Yellow hunched over, Bon Clay STOMPED his Pipo Helmet and broke it. The chubby monkey splashed in the water, leaving Clay to keep the Gear Heart. “The thing about love is it always HURTS in the end!” He smirked. (End song.)

“WHOOOOPEE! And the battle is won by ME!”

“That will never, in a million years, be classified as a battle!” Augustus retorted. “Dude, how are you standing on the water?”

“Because I got love in me, of course! From the soles of mah slippers to the ends of my hair.” Clay tugged one of his hair strands. “I’m guessing you had to solve those silly little puzzles on your way up here.”

“Yep, and I will be glad when it’s time to leave. Give us that Gear Heart you got there.”

“No ho ho ho way.” Clay wagged a finger. “I know who you are, Augustus Fizzy Pants. Cherry Boy told me how you kidnapped his lady. He told me what you done with Big Gorilla. I don’t think I want you havin’ this handy-dandy heart.”

“What does the Gear Heart do, anyway?” Rallo asked.

“Gives ya energy!” Clay beamed. “Gives ya loooove! ’Long as you had it, you could just keep going and going and going and going and going and GOIIIIIING!” He spun repeatedly before coming to a stop. “But you’ll go POOP the moment you put it down. So don’t think I’m going to give it to you. My family has been protecting the Gear Heart for five thousand YEARS!”

“REALLY??” The crew gaped.

“Nah. I’m just an average citizen.”

“D’OOH.” They drooped.

“But this tasty piece of candy has been here a long time. It’s our sacred treasure! Legends say it was given to us by fairies. A band of dirty pirates like you could never comprehend the value of a treasure like this. Why, you’d sooner toss it in your gut and-”

“ULP.” Nel’s stomach tightened. “Oh… Nel feel… PLEAAH!” She coughed the Cupcake Core onto the ground.

“Heh?” Clay raised a brow.

Augustus picked the cupcake up and wiped it clean. “For your information, we’ve been searching for these candies all month. They’re called the Lost Candies, and there’s six of them. According to the Sugar Fairy Princess, they were created by Termina Giants.”

“Termina Giants?…” Bon Clay remembered that part from Cheren’s story. “But what are these candies for?”

“The truth is, we don’t know. But the Fairy Princess said the Illuminati – whom I assume is the World Government – is trying to destroy them. I’m trying to find them and protect them from Lord Licorice. He’s under the employ of the King of the World.”

Bon Clay frowned – a rare sight even to this crew. Augustus’s words seemed to stir memories in him.

“I really admired you, Clay. I would have followed you forever.” Alexei said. “That was a mistake of my own. I found a real man to follow.”

“…” Clay stared at the Gear Heart before looking up at Augustus. “I still don’t think I should give this to you. You hurt Cherry Boy’s friend.”

“Who the heck is Cherry Boy, your boyfriend?”

“NO… though he is pretty… Perhaps ‘Panini’ is the key word here.”

“Oh, right.” Augustus looked away. “Fine, I’ll admit that I was a bad guy in the past. I worked with Big Mom for my own selfish goals. The only thing I loved was adventure, and…and I still do. But now I’m actually trying to do something good for somebody – for a lot of people, by finding the Lost Candies.”

“And tell me something, if you don’t know what these Lost Candies are gonna do, how do you know you’re doing something good for anyone, huh? ?”

“BECAUSE I AM, alright?! Ugh, it’s pointless to try and convince you, can I just have the stinkin’ heart?”

“Alright then: show me how much you love the person you’re doing this for. If you can walk across the water and get to me, I’ll let you have it.”

“Um…er…” Augustus looked at the water, unsure if he could do this.

“You don’t even know Luviro that well, do ya?” Rallo asked.

“There’s gotta be some trick to it. Like-” Augustus stepped in the water and splashed in.

“That ain’t it.” Clay shook.

Augustus climbed out and huffed in annoyance. He calmed himself and pictured Luviro in his mind. Pale white skin, wrapped almost fully in blankets… Augustus stepped in and splashed in the water again. He climbed out and proclaimed, “This is stupid! I can’t just magically walk on water like Jesus or Sonic! The only reason you and that monkey can do it is ’cause you were raised on this island of magic Kool-Aid, so it’s totally-…” Nel hummed a little tune as she walked on the surface, looking down to make sure her feet were on the water. “Wh… Nel?”

She turned and faced him, making a balancing posture as though she might fall. “Nel think of Aughsucks. Maybe Aughsucks think of Nel?”

“…” Augustus closed his eyes to think. He first started this adventure to find the Lost Candies for Luviro. He met Luviro seven months ago and promised to find them. But he neglected his promise to help Big Mom find Candied Planet. Because he would’ve loved to find Candy Planet, the world of endless adventure for all candy hunters. He would’ve loved to explore that world for the rest of his life. But Big Mom’s true intention was to make Earth into a Candy Planet.

Augustus detested the plan… Not only would it not be the adventure of a lifetime, but it would’ve poisoned everyone. At first, Augustus didn’t mind harming a few innocents to find the lost planet, but after learning it was Big Mom’s only intention… he felt disgusted inside. He wished he spent this time finding the Lost Candies than being Big Mom’s dog. He felt like granting Luviro’s wish would make up for it all. He really wanted to help him.

Augustus stepped over the water—splashed in once again. “COME ON, I really gave that one some thought!”

“I guess your passion ain’t strong enough.” Clay taunted.

“JUST GIMME THE FREAKIN’ HEART!” Augustus hurriedly swam after Clay, who skied across the watery surface. “You damn flamingo-swan-whatever, I’m gonna cook you into turkey and eat you for-!”

“Just give him the heart, Clay.” A girl’s soft voice said.

“Oh?” Clay looked over and smiled. “Hiya, Sapphy! You really think it’s okay?”

“Yes.” Sapphire nodded. “Trust me. It will be a major help to us.”

“Well, Sapphy doesn’t lie. It’s all yours.” He dropped the Gear Heart on Augustus in the water.

The captain resurfaced. “Um…thanks. See you later, Sector Weird.” He and his crew began their long journey down the mountain.

“You know, fellas, Sapphy’s a real good telepath.” Clay told them. “She could predict what those candies are gonna do.”

“That’s okay.” Augustus waved. “It’s no adventure if we know what’ll happen!”

“I knew he would say that.” Sapphire said tonelessly. “And I didn’t need psychic.”

Augustus stuffed the Gear Heart and Cupcake Core in the Ace Flyer’s trunk. “Couldn’t you-a thought of your mom or dad to walk on that water?” Rallo asked as they climbed in the plane.

“Yeah, but I ain’t doing it for them. Anyway, now that we have the Gear Heart, and still including Zeira’s Sugar Fuel, we have four Lost Candies and two left to find. And one of them happens to be the Sun Cream.”

“Perhaps I can use my Metahuman Neutralizer to purify the intoxicated Sun Cream pool.” Stewie thought aloud.

“Maybe, but I still can’t believe a metahuman power could affect a Lost Candy. We might’ve missed something back on Buttermilk. So let’s fly there ASAP!” Augustus started the plane. “Now that my Haki’s back, I ain’t afraid of those Willy Wonka Wannabes!”

The pirates flew away from the island. Moments later, a S.C.A.M.P.E.R. landed on the same spot, and Team Emily stepped out. “Alright guys, time for our next monkey-hunting exploration!” Emily Garley declared. “We are going to catch every monkey on this island and save Sector KB! …?”

A bunch of monkeys trapped in nets were bundled at the start. They were ripe for the taking. “WHOOP, stage complete.” Sarah proclaimed. “’Guess someone did it for us.”

“I object to that!” Sheldon argued. “We can’t just bypass a stage because of some ‘shortcut.’ If we don’t play all the levels the way they were meant to be, we don’t get the full experience, and we may even miss some crucial parts of the storyline, therefore-” Yellow Monkey dropped from the sky and smashed Sheldon. The helmetless monkey of average intelligence lifted Sheldon over his shoulder and ran off into the jungle. “AAAAH! He’s putting a dress on me! Somebody call the zookeeper!”

Top of Buttermilk Building

The Marzipan Pirates ventured up Buttermilk for the second time. This time, with Augustus’s crewmen able to join him, they approached the pool of rotten Sun Cream. Nel climbed off Augustus and approached the dry brown pool. “Mud usually look good… This mud don’t.”

“Hopefully, it won’t stay that way. Stewie, go for it.” Augustus ordered.

The boy genius pulled out his Metahuman Neutralizer and blasted at the cream. To their astonishment, it was slowly morphing back into its whitish-gold color, and the pleasant smell Augustus was familiar with began to reach their noses. “I can’t believe it, it’s working!” Stewie beamed.

“Impressive. But who knows how long it will stay that way?” a robotic voice spoke.

The five gasped and looked up. A Cinnamon Ship was descending, and the red-eyed robot known as the Silver Bullet was manning it. The silver mecha parked the ship and stepped off, the children readying their guard. Nel jumped in front and yelled, “Don’t touch Aughsucks or Nel eat you, Rock Man!”

“That’s okay, Nel.” Augustus stepped around the cave child. He pulled out his lolli stick and flicked it off the mountain, eyes narrowed on the mech. “I already know you’re a chica under that suit. Take it off and let me see your pretty face.” He smirked.

“You’re straight to the point, Captain. I never have enough time to get there. But since you’re cute, I’ll let it go.” She gripped her helmet. “My name is Penelope.” She pulled it off, revealing her light lavender mouse head and big round ears, shaking her long orange hair free, which had a red bandanna over it. “Penelope Mousse.” she said with a nasally voice.

Augustus’s jaw dropped and he felt his heart shatter. For some reason, he was picturing a beautiful sexy girl who liked to dress like a robot. Instead, he got… “Una chica de ratón?!”

“Oh, what were you expecting, Terminator?!” Penelope retorted. “I’m a Mobian, GET OVER IT! Of course, you wouldn’t expect me to be, given my species. Mobian mice are born small and they lead small lives. But I wasn’t gonna live off little SCRAPS that the big animals throw away. I swiped an Everlasting Growth Potion from a Minish shop and went on to bigger and better things.”

“What an engaging story. Does Captain Slag know about it?” The captain cocked a brow.

“Yes, he knows. The Slag Pirates may be an ‘all-robot crew’, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t open-minded. I’ve actually come here on behalf of my crew, Captain Aughsucks.”

“Grrrr!” Augustus flushed at the nickname.

Penelope’s suit opened as she stepped forward, wearing an orange top and blue shorts, and held her right hand to Augustus. “I’m here to call a parley.”

“…Well, at least you’re not a kid.” He decided to shake her hand. “Very well. You have the floor.”

“So, here’s how it’s goin’ down, you know all those crews you pissed off at the Davy Back Fight? Well, Lord Licorice got all of them to not only help hunt you down, but to hunt the Lost Candies, too. Except the Kremling Krew, we dunno what those guys are doin’. We know you’ve been gettin’ all the candies, and Captain Slag is starting to become curious about them. So here’s what he was thinkin’: we help you find the Lost Candies and split the difference with whatever they’ll do in the end. Maybe sell them to the highest bidder, we’ll be set for life, know what I’m sayin’?”

“No deal. I’m collecting the Lost Candies for somebody else, not for any reward.”

“Who? And for what?”

“Somebody’s dying wish! I couldn’t turn THAT down!”

“Well, after this person gets their ‘dying wish’, then what? You have six magical candies just sitting around in…” she looked around, “where are you keeping them exactly?”

“Nonya Business.”

“Oh, I’ve been to that island before.” Penelope smirked. “But listen, Captain Augustus, Lord Licorice may be making himself out as the pirates’ friend, I know that he sees us as a means to an end. It’s Piracy 101. How do you know this special someone isn’t using you for the same reason?”

“How do I know that you aren’t?”

“Touché, Captain. But the fact that Captain Slag sent me here to begin with is ’cause he’s impressed with your skill. I call it luck, but hey, no arguin’ with the grog factory. What he was really thinkin’ is we become allies—so you can still be your own ragtag crew. You might object to it, but I don’t think you’ll be collecting the Lost Candies without my help.”

“I got most of ’em already, and the Sun Cream is right here.”

“So it may seem.” Penelope approached the pool of cream and bent over to scoop some in her hand. “But this splendid serving of sun is in actuality-” She drank it- “GLUCH, PLOO, PLEEEEH!” She desperately hacked the taste off her tongue, gripping her neck. “Oh God, that is terrible! I think I preferred the trash, gluk, gleeeh!”

Stewie grabbed a soda from his Infi-Cube and tossed it to her. Penelope guzzled it up and sighed with great relief. “My point is, it’s not the real one.”

“Then where is the real one?”

“The real one happens to be underneath. Quite a ways, in fact. We picked up this little tidbit from Licorice’s henchgirl, Veruca. Said she wasn’t sure if her Devil Fruit could affect the real Sun Cream, of course she couldn’t go down there, given she can’t swim.”

“So how do we go down there?”

“Thankfully, I designed special Cinnamon Swimsuits for such an occasion. You can dive deep beneath the stickilicious cream and come back with your gravely old skin still intact. (But you’ll reek of cinnamon, at least.)” Penelope went to her ship and pulled out a large diving suit with a cinnamon roll design, and a small one. “I brought one your size and three for the tykes. But I forgot about the rodent.” Nel glared at her.

“That’s alright. Rallo can stay up here and watch you. Provided you two are able to communicate with us.”

“They have communication gear, though I wonder if they’ll work through the gluck. Only one way to find out. So, do we have a deal or not?” She held a hand out.

Augustus stared at it, contemplating for a minute. It would help him get the Sun Cream, and with Stewie coming with, the Lost Candies in the Infi-Cube would be safe from her grasp. He did feel treachery afoot, but he supposed one way or another, he would have to deal with Slag’s crew. So he shook her hand. “Deal.”

With that, Penelope helped fix the Cinnamon Swimsuits on Augustus, Stewie (his helmet was football-shaped), Maggie, and Nel, who fussed a little as she disapproved of her help. Penelope couldn’t help but giggle at their silly brown armor with black swirly stripes. “I’m sorry, but I can never get used to this whole candy thing! So ridiculous!”

“Just hope I won’t have to Gobstop your pretty face later.” Augustus winked. He and his choice three crewmen jumped into the cream pool and slowly descended beneath its gooey substance.

“This is Silver Bullet to Candy Hunter. Do ya read me?”

“Yeah, I can hear you.” Augustus responded. “But it’s ‘Stone Fist’ now.”

“Stone Fist? That’s a crappy name.”

“Like yours is any better. Are bullets even your thing?”

“It’s just a persona. For a time, I was Black Baron and Black Knight.”

“If you say so, darling. But I’ve never been a fan of aliases. Either you let the world know your name or don’t become a pirate.”

“Alright, alright, keep your glasses on. You’re almost 50 feet down, I’m picking up a tunnel. It seems the cream is more clear down here, you’ll be able to see.”

The four set foot on the bottom. Indeed, the way forward was clearer, but still blurry with white cream. “It’s definitely not as shiny as it was on top. I wonder how bright the real cream is.”

“Do you think it’ll blind us like the Crystal Marshmallow?” Stewie asked.

“I hope not. Good thing I’m wearing sunglasses. But if I had to make a wild guess, the Sun Cream will look like something that goes to a machine.”

“What kind of wild guess is that?” asked Penelope.

“Tell ya when we’re finished.” (Play “Funky Waters” from Donkey Kong: Tropical Freeze!)

Stage B-4: Buttermilk Building, Act 2: The Deep Cream

Mission: Find the real Sun Cream.

The pirates avoided Gum Cheeps as they swam through the tunnel – they were big gumballs with lips, eyes, and fins. The tunnel turned left, and a current was pushing the group back. Thankfully, the suits were built with small propellers that allowed them to boost, not too fast, but strong enough to push through the current. They had to avoid puffer fish that blew in the current (naturally the fish had gum bodies), but their boost had a limit before it needed to recharge. When this happened, they could hide behind jagged rocks on the floor. Augustus caught glimpse of a Gold Wonka Bar in the upper left corner, and proceeded to catch it before they made it to the end.

There was an area they could resurface and a floor they could climb on and take off their helmets. “Bleck, cinnamon right up your nose is the worst. These suits are really helpful, though.”

“And even though Maggie and I have Devil Fruit powers,” Stewie said, “it seems the water doesn’t affect us when it doesn’t touch our skin.”

“Mw-mw.” Maggie replied.

“Cream has milk, which has water, it’s the same difference.”

The light from the cream lit up the cavern. There were temple-like images on the walls. One of them depicted six giant figures standing over a small horned being. Augustus carried Nel as he, Stewie, and Maggie used their Corn-Clamber Boots to go across a path over a cream pool. Large creamy globs dropped from the ceiling and threatened to push them down. They also slid down the wall slowly and forced the crew to wait.

At the end of this path, they could set foot on stable ground and enter a greater, wider room with two towers connecting the floor and ceiling. There were creamy White Chuchus lurking around with Chocolate Coins in their blobby bellies. “I heard that people who come up here liked to toss coins into the Sun Cream and make wishes.” Penelope said.

“A few extra bucks for me.” Augustus cut the Chus up and took the coins. There was a path that spiraled up and around one of the towers, but it was too creamy and slippery to walk on even with Corn-Clamber Boots. Farther across the room was a Rock Candy bushel, but it was trapped inside a huge Cream Chu. Cutting with the Lemon Cutlass didn’t cut it, but when Augustus punched the blob with Armament fists, it took damage like a solid being and eventually shrunk into a flat puddle. They each took a piece of crystal and encased their selves in a Rock Candy sphere. But it still wasn’t enough to go up the slippery path.

In another corner of the huge room was a garden of candy corn. The candy corn stuck through their spheres and their spikier undersides were outside. With greater sturdiness in their Rock Candy, they could roll up the path without sliding off. Cream Chus wearing candy corn helmets sprouted up, and Augustus had to give his sphere an extra push to crush the Chus’ defenses. At the top of the path, a large spring in the tower pushed them across a bridge to the next tower, where they quickly rolled down another spiraled path that ended at a ramp, which flew them to a new tunnel.

The tunnel sloped down before they instantly crashed against a wall and their spheres broke. They had to put on their suits again and dive into a new cream pool. “Better hold hands. I can’t see a thing down here.” Augustus suggested. It was incredibly murky, and he led the kids carefully as they linked like a chain. The captain stopped just before touching a yellow light, which he realized was a jellyfish.

“Mw-mw-mw!” Maggie called for their attention.

“You can use your Zoom-In to see the jellyfish’s light through all this?” Stewie asked through his suit.

“Glad we brought ya, Mags.” Augustus smirked. “Fine, you lead the way.” They reorganized their chain as Maggie began to lead them through the darkness. The jellyfish light was faint in her Zoom-In vision, but it helped them greatly in finding their way out. Eventually, they encountered a gummy anglerfish and had to keep up as it guided them in the murk. They were finally in more clear water (er, cream) as they swam through a tunnel, which had temple depictions of an ark sailing under a storm. They thought it was Noah’s Ark.

When they tried to swim over a pit, ceiling propellers activated and pushed them down into it. Their suits’ boost function couldn’t even push up against the current, but there were Pop Gums lain around the ground. “We need Nel to eat these and shoot them. But how can we with this cream in the way?”

“Relax, those suits were designed to flush out cream, too. Just have her quickly open her helmet to eat and shoot them.” Penelope responded. When Nel finished eating all the Pop Gums, Augustus used her as a gun to shoot and destroy the propellers. They could swim out of the pit, and Augustus used Nel to shoot three more propellers that kept them from advancing. They could swim to a surface and climb onto a floor in a vast room with a chasm.

There were more fans stationed around parts of the room, with one of them on their ledge. There was a huge image on the cave wall depicting who they knew was Princess Zeira, surrounded by six stars. When Stewie held down a floor switch, all the fans activated at once, but when he stepped off, they stopped. There was also a Fudgepuffsicle bushel, so Augustus knew what this puzzle entailed. “I think I’ll go it alone here.” he said, taking the ice cream. “It’d be less complicated. You kids will guide me across, right?”

“Any time, Captain.” Stewie smiled.

“Heh he. That’s my seaman.” Without fear, Augustus bit the popsicle and inflated. Stewie pressed the switch so the floor fan would blow him up diagonal toward a ceiling fan. Stewie got off the switch before Augustus hit the fan, and he was able to float under the ceiling fan, allowing it to blow him downward. A fan that was on a pillar blew him across the darkness, toward a sharp stalagmite, but under a stalactite. Stewie stopped the fans when the captain passed the stalactite, so Augustus would float up in front of a fan on said stalactite, which would blow him further and over the stalagmite.

The next fan blew Augustus alongside the wall with the image of Zeira. This close, he could see a line of symbols, and Penelope caught these symbols through the camera on August’s suit. A fan threatened to blow him into spikes, so Stewie stepped off the switch to prevent this. Augustus floated slightly up and got in front of a new fan that pushed him toward a foothold. He deflated and finally made land.

“Interesting.” Penelope said. “I think those symbols you just passed represent numbers from, like, a really long time ago. If I were to guess, the numbers have to be… 14, 15, 1, 8, 19, 1, 18, 11, 8, 1, 4, 12, 15, 20, 19, 15, 6, 19, 16, 1, 3, 5. I wonder what it means?”

“It means that Mouse People must have built this place if you could decipher that.” Augustus remarked.

“Very funny. Just keep going. This cave has to end sooner or later.”

Augustus crossed a short bridge to a ledge with a tunnel. He spared a look at the designs in the creamy cave before he made it to the final room. Using his Corn-Clambers, he stomped up the creamy stairs of an altar. At the top, he gazed at the shining, sunny treasure he had sought in this dungeon. (End song.)

He gaped at the luscious candy, its sunny light glinting off his shades. “…There was… never a Sun Cream.”

“What do you mean?” Penelope asked.

“It’s… a Sun KEY!”

The Lost Candy was a huge, white key with an orange sun design for a head. Augustus reached up and pulled it from the pedestal it was lodged into. “The Rock Nut… Cupcake Core… the Gear Heart… Sugar Fuel… and now this. The Lost Candies… clearly, they are parts to a machine.”

“Are you serious?”

“I am.” Augustus clutched the key tight. “The only question is… what kind of machine does it make?”

The temple trembled suddenly. The abandoned pedestal shook and POPPED out of its station, a geyser of cream gushing out. Augustus held an arm up to defend from droplets and jumped down. The place began flooding. “Yeah, I kind of expected that.” (Play “Sawmill Thrill” from Tropical Freeze!)

Augustus bolted through the tunnel he just passed through, which erupted cream spouts in random areas, forcing him to run around or use his Corn-Clambers to go up a wall and get around them. When he was back in the fan room, he ate a Puffsicle and signaled Stewie to switch on the fans, as one would blow him back to the babies’ platform. He ordered the trio to put their suits back on as they jumped into the cream and quickly swam through the waterway. Fans appeared on either wall and blew them left or right, but it didn’t hold up their progress in escaping the huge glob of thick cream behind them.

They got to the dark passage, and as a result of the avalanche, the area was spinning in whirlpools as the anglerfish and jellyfish were blowing around. The kids were caught in these whirlpools, so they had to maneuver their selves to the corresponding ones, avoiding the jellyfish, but using them as guides to the exit. They resurfaced and had to head up the steep tunnel, but as expected, it was too slippery for their Corn-Clamber Boots. “Nel, I’m tossing you up there! Find something that can help!” Augustus grabbed the cave child and chucked her up the tunnel.

Nel was about to slide, but she thought fast and leapt to a safe floor with a Rock Candy bushel. She grabbed three pieces and slid back down, giving each one to her friends and sharing a crystal sphere with Augustus. However, they quickly rolled their spheres into the nearby candy corn spikes, enabling them to go up the slope just before the flood filled in. The twin pillars room was in the process of flooding, but Augustus saw several Big Cream Chus floating below. He rolled down to land on one, which bounced him to the next, and the babies followed his example.

Their rock spheres broke against the entrance to the hall where they had to cross a cream pit with Corn-Clambers. The cream pool was mixing with thick cream, so they needed to cross the wall again. They did so one at a time, for the cream droplets fell down faster. Finally, they put on their Cinnamon Suits and swam through the first, final passage. The current helped push them along, but they had to avoid boulders that fell from the ceiling. They could turn right in the passage with all the Gum Cheeps, but thick cream spewed out of the walls and threatened to flood them in.

The crew managed to maneuver around the cream, and from there it was straight up through the shaft that was under the original pool of Sun Cream. “Mmmmm!” Nel lost her grip on Augustus due to his forceful swimming. He looked down in shock, seeing her fall into the rising thick cream. Almost instinctively, he swam down to grab the cavegirl, but the cream caught them as Augustus tried to shake free. “Just go, you two! Leave this to me!”

Almost hesitantly, Stewie and Maggie used their boost functions to escape from the pool and climb on shore. “There you are! Where’s Augustus?!” Penelope shouted.

They looked as the pool began to bubble, and before their eyes, Augustus and Nel came flying out when it erupted into a fountain. The clouds cleared away and allowed the sun to highlight the delectable wonder. Teams of Shy Guy came climbing up the mountain, yelling joyfully as they jumped into the sunny fountain, relishing in its everlasting cream. The others stared amazed for a second before Augustus and Nel crashed on the ground.

“WOOHOOOO!” The captain cheered, raising the Sun Key skyward. “That was DEEEELICIOUS!”

“The key was plugging the fountain all this time!” Stewie beamed. “Astonishing!”

“I gotta hand it to ya, Captain.” Penelope said, licking some cream off her nose. “You know how to go out with a bang. Now, um, about our deal…”

“I think we should take this parley up with Captain Slag, don’t you agree?”

“Just what I was thinkin’. The captain’s a few miles off on their flagship. If you wanna go and get your plane, I’ll meet ya there.”

“He doesn’t happen to have any showers, does he?”

“Oh, you probably don’t want their shower. Robots keep it kinda hot.” (End song.)

Slag’s Fleet

The Marzipan Pirates met back with Penelope in the sky, a few miles from Buttermilk Building. With her permission, the biplane was allowed to make land on the captain’s flagship. She led the five through a bar of loud, drunken robot pirates, who spoke in the typical pirate turn-of-phrase and engaged in mindless brawls. “It be MOI turn to play with the Princess Barbie Rainbow Set!”

“Don’t gawk at me in such a tone, ye rapticious rapscallion! Er Ay will haul this cutlass up yer artificial spine and see ye capsize!”

“They certainly embrace the piratey tradition.” Augustus said.

“More along the lines that they’re men.” Penelope replied. “So where did you say that cavegirl was from?”

“The Land Before Time, where do you think?”

“You mean to tell me you actually traveled through time?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” He smirked, starting a new lollipop.

“Just make sure you watch out for her. I hear that people who travel through time and stay in a different time era too long get killed.”

“Killed?”

“Yeah, because the universe demands it or something. It upsets the balance of things, ruins the Space-Time Continuum, you know all that fun stuff.”

“But when you think about it, aren’t we all traveling through a river of time?”

“Nice poetry, Captain. But taking shortcuts through that river is another thing.”

They arrived at Captain Slag’s cabin, where the Rusty Pete twins were playing Tug-o-War over Termina Slag’s Mask. “Oi’m pretty sure that I’M the Termina Pete!”

“My backup hard-drive you’re Termina Pete! You just want the mask ALL to yourself!”

“Your backup hard-drive is nothing but cheap adult films on the Internet! Gimme back me captain’s mask!”

“It’s MY captain’s mask!”

“STOW IT!” Captain Slag bonked them both on the head. “Why fight over that dumb old mask when the REAL Slag be right before yer eyes? You love and respect the same grog-chugging captain… SO LEARN TA SHARE!”

“WE WILL, CAPTAIN!”

“Ahhh, Penelope!” Slag marched up to the visitors. “Ay see you’ve returned with Lolly-Licking Augustus.”

“It’s… Stone Fist… Augustus.” He bit his lollipop.

“Iron beats stone.” Slag raised his own fist. “It make no difference to me. Seeing that you are here, ye must have agreed to the terms of my parley.”

“‘Agreed’ is a strong word, Slaggy. Let’s talk business. First off, how do I know you aren’t working for Lord Licorice?”

“An understandable concern. Boys?”

Some pirates stepped out from behind a curtain, holding four Blackberry Troops bound and gagged. “Took a little effort, shakin’ down laddies with the most info. And if that ain’t proof enough, maybe this will convince ya. Kill that one.” One of the pirates raised his sword to cut a guard’s neck-

“NO NO NO!” Augustus stopped him. “It’s fine, I believe you!”

“Beautiful.” Slag signaled the pirates to take the guards to the brig. Another crewmate brought him a gallon of grog, which the captain chugged down. “So, ye want to talk business then? First matter regarding, what of the Lost Candies? How many you have?”

“On hand… four. One of them is being looked after by someone else.”

“May I see them?”

“Will you steal them?”

“’ey now, Ay called a parley. I may be made of iron, but Ay’m a man of my word. You’ve nothing to fear.”

“Sigh… Let him see them, Stewie.”

The baby took out his Infi-Cube and shot the four Lost Candies onto Slag’s desk. He observed the legendary sweets with interest. “Most fascinating. And what did ye say the candies were used for, again?”

“He thinks that they’re parts to a machine.” Penelope answered.

“A machine, ye say?” Slag picked the Cupcake Core up. “These wee little candies construct a device most foul?”

“What makes you think it’s most foul?” Augustus raised a brow.

“Har har har.” Slag put the cupcake down. “I have a proposal for ya, Captain August. It’s plainly obvious that the World Government fears the existence of these delicacies. Or Lord Licorice would not have been sent to secure them, perhaps destroy them. If it truly be a machine that these sweets conceive, then such a device may be devastating beyond compare. Even more than the horrors of the Eight Sugary Wonders. To seek the Lost Candies would be to seek to create this machine. So here is my plan, Augustus: we construct this machine together, and destroy the World Government.”

“Destroy… the Government?”

“You see, Lad, the quota for a space pirate to become Emperor isn’t just a handful of islands: ’tis a handful of planets. And fer thousands of years, no space pirate could conquer this lonely world because of the Government’s power. Some pirates had the bolts to challenge them, such as Golden Fist Marine or Big Mom herself. But the Lost Candies may provide us with the key. If Captain Slag would be the man to destroy Earth’s mighty Government, Ay will be recognized as Space Pirate Emperor!”

“Time out, Captain!” Penelope spoke up. “I thought we were just gonna sell the candies and give Augustus part of the profit! Taking down the World Government… isn’t that kind of much?”

“If having your name known across galaxies be too much for ye, then by all means, walk the plank and lose the opportunity. And you, Augustus, will forever be known as the man who helped make it all possible. If lubbers were to mess with ye, they will tremble, knowing they will have to tango with Emperor Slag. I acknowledge yer skill, boy. It is rare that I say such a thing. And Ay’m sure that the feeling’s mutual.”

“Hm hm hm, you wish!” Augustus held the dry lolli stick between his fingers. “The pirate I respect most of all is Sunny Fist Sheila Frantic.” He flicked the stick into Slag’s cup.

The captain remembered the half-raccoon lass that kicked him beyond Galaxia like a football. “Grrrrrrrr!” He boiled so hotly that his grog caught fire. Rusty Pete put it out with an extinguisher. “Well, we all be entitled to our opinion… wretch. What is your response to my proposal?”

“I was never planning to destroy anyone. I’m collecting the Lost Candies for a friend. But to tell the truth… even I’m wondering what he intends to use them for.” Or what the fairies planned to do with them.

“Then why don’t we call this decision a stalemate? How ’bout, instead, we aid you in locating the sixth and final candy? I’m sure ye already know where it lie?”

The four kids and Penelope looked at Augustus. They were eager to hear the location of the last Lost Candy. “Actually… Luviro never told me where the last candy was found. I only knew the five of them.”

“Then you need to ask Luviro where it is.” Penelope affirmed.

“I will, but I don’t want you guys following me. And when I find out, I can’t promise I won’t try to get it myself.”

“A fair trade, but when Lord Licorice comes a hollerin’ and shootin’ his pistol, ye’ll beg for Captain Slag. But whether you hunt it first or not, ye’d best return to me soon. Do we have an accord?” He reached his hand out.

“Hmm… Accord.” Augustus shook it.

“Excellent. Now, Penelope will escort you back to your vessel.”

“No thanks, we can find our way.” The teen winked, recollecting the four Lost Candies before he led his crew away.

“Augustus, you can’t really mean you trust them.” Stewie said.

“I’m not stupid, Stewie. I’m not even up for destroying the Government. But either way, we’ll have to fight with Slag or Licorice over the candies. We’ll accept his bargain for now and cross it when the time comes. I just hope Luviro is still alive…”

Chapter Text

Pueblo de Niebla

Let’s recap for a second: following their parley with Captain Slag, the Marzipan Pirates flew to Pueblo de Niebla to ask Luviro about the sixth Lost Candy. They flew by Team Sandman’s aircraft, and before confronting the sick child, the crew decided to bare witness to the exciting conflict that took place in the village. A group of kids whom the pirates were pretty sure were Kids Next Door operatives fought a band of dark creatures. One of these kids grew exponentially gigantic and seemed to have no clue on his surroundings. Before he could cause too much damage, Stewie blasted this boy with his Metahuman Neutralizer. This seemed to work as the boy shrunk back to a normal size.

When Augustus was finally ready to see Luviro again, he led his crew up the path to his house. He cocked a brow: there was a skeleton boy in black clothes and a Western hat. “Well, you aren’t something I see every day.” Augustus said to the undead boy.

The skeleton looked up. He had glowing red eyes in his sockets. “Neither are you. What’re you doing here?”

“Here to see Luviro.” Augustus walked toward the house with his crew following.

Django was confused. “How do you know Luviro?”

“I met him a few months ago.” The captain entered the old house.

Django gaped, pondering the teen’s words. “Luviro’s… alive? …” Feeling too curious, he joined the crew in the house.

The home was as fallen apart and poorly managed as either Django or Augustus had last seen. They all approached the bed by the dead fireplace. The lump that belonged to its occupant was still there. Django only watched as Augustus put his hand on the lump. “Luviro… are you awake?”

Django gasped upon hearing the faint, agonizing moan. “Au…gus…tus…”

“LUVIRO!” Django was quick to climb on the bed. The pale, dying face of his old friend opened his yellowish eyes. “Luviro… is that really you?”

Luviro coughed. “Dj…Django… You look… horrible…” He cracked a faint smile.

“…Hm.” Django smirked. “Compared to you, I’m a sight. But… this isn’t possible. You shouldn’t even be alive… let alone look the same as you did 30 years ago!”

“Thirty years ago?!” Stewie asked baffled.

“Mw-mw?!” Maggie shared his confusion.

“You three are one to talk.” Augustus noted. “Luviro, look! We have four of the Lost Candies!” He took the Infi-Cube and released the Rock Nut, Cupcake Core, Gear Heart, and Sun Key on his bed.

Luviro gazed at the treasures and made a faint hiss that sounded like a long gasp. “Los Caramelos Perdidos… You really found them for me?”

“I did!” Augustus said happily. “Just like I said I would! And I’m about to find the other ones, too! But I need to know where the sixth one is. Can you tell me?”

He coughed. “Augustus… I’ve never been more happy… I’m so thankful that you… are finding them. …I have a secret to tell you. Uncover my head, Augustus… Please.”

Augustus viewed the blanket that covered his head. It seemed awfully thick for what he assumed was little space underneath. But he felt something hard underneath when he grabbed the blanket. Augustus pulled it off… He, Django, and the babies gaped.

Luviro had graying black hair and pale orange horns. The twin horns curved into swirls like a lizard’s tail. “My name is… Luviro Lizaro. I am from a world called Alternia. Augustus… do you know about the Apocalypse that will happen at the end of this month?”

“The Apocalypse…” Augustus was still trying to process this strange appearance, so this new knowledge didn’t reach him right away. “No…”

“The Apocalypse will destroy everything… He will destroy everything… But there is a way to save everyone. When the Lost Candies are brought together… they will create the ship to the New World… and it will sail for three years… I was sent to this universe thousands of years ago… to help the Sugar Fairies hide the Lost Candies…”

“Thousands of years…” Augustus whispered to himself, trying to process it all. “So… the Lost Candies create a ship?”

“Sí… It is the most powerful ship in the entire multiverse… created by Termina’s Giants. If it isn’t complete… nobody will survive… The universe is doomed… Augustus, please… You need to complete the ship. Save… everybody…”

“But none of this makes sense! An Apocalypse is gonna destroy the universe, who else knew about this?!”

“The Kids Next Door.” Django answered. “What? You seriously weren’t aware of this Seven Lights Quest that’s been happening all month?! Hwow, you need to catch up!”

“Luviro, if all this is true, why couldn’t you have told me earlier? I would’ve spent more time looking for them!”

“I had to be sure I could trust you… If you were really willing to find the Lost Candies… then I could. Augustus… I have Universe Cancer… My body absorbed too much of the energy from my peoples’ Transportifier… and after I landed in this universe, my lifespan became bound to it… I can feel it… It’s going to happen soon… cough. Augustus… please find the last candies… please… cough!”

“But where is it? Where’s the sixth candy?”

“The final candy… we hid under an island… that looks like a squished gumdrop.”

“Gumdrop Cove!” Stewie said with realization.

“Augustus… I’m sorry I lied to you before…” Luviro spoke hoarsely. “I’m sorry that I… gave you this difficult mission… But I loved this universe… I loved every moment I spent here… It’s so much nicer than Alternia… I just wish… it didn’t have to go… cough. Augustus… go find the last candy, quickly… I may not get to see you again… so I want you to know… I’m really grateful… you came to see me…” He fell asleep.

“Luviro…” Augustus put a hand on his head. Django felt for Luviro’s heart, but his boney hand had no feeling.

“Luviro… why…” Django would be crying tears if he could. “Why didn’t you tell me… I would’ve done it for you! I was DEAD for 30 years, I had nothing else to do! LUVIRO!”

“Calm down, he’s still breathing!” Augustus yelled. “He isn’t dead, yet. Still… is his lifespan really bound to this universe? And the Apocalypse… could that be what the fairies were talking about?”

“Augustus, do you know what’s going to happen at the end of this month?” Zeira asked.

“This month? At the end of this month, Luviro’s gonna die. He’s terminally ill, and he wants to see the Lost Candies before it happens.”

“…I see…” Zeira was clearly suspicious of his reason, though Augustus couldn’t imagine why.

“She did know…” Augustus thought back to that conversation. “She knew all along… Kids, we have to go. We need to search Gumdrop Cove for the Lost Candy.” He recollected the four candies and began to walk out. “What are you gonna do, Skeleton?”

Django glanced at them, still kneeled on Luviro’s bed. “I’m gonna stay here… I promised Luviro I would be with him when he died… I thought I missed my chance, but now… I can keep my promise.”

“…” Augustus took out a lollipop and tossed it to Django. “If he wakes up, give that to him.”

Django stared at the green candy, hearing the footsteps of the crew fade out of the house. “I doubt either of us could taste it now…” Django chuckled.

“Augustus, are we going to tell Captain Slag about Gumdrop?” Stewie asked on their way to the Ace Flyer.

“Not yet. I wanna get my hands on it before Slag or Licorice have a chance to find out. If Licorice knew where it was, his boys would’ve been swarming Gumdrop already. We have a shot.”

“But he didn’t even tell us what the candy looked like!” Rallo shouted.

“Yes he did, Rallo. The Lost Candies are parts to a ship. We have four of the parts, the fairies have the fuel… so all that leaves is the ship itself.”

Gumdrop Cove

It was twilight when the Marzipan Pirates returned to Gumdrop. The village was more hectic than usual—some houses were on fire and pirates were beating the sugar out of each other. “Why pirates devolve into Neanderthals?” Nel asked, riding her captain’s shoulders.

“I reckon it’s to do with that business in the sky.”

“THE END IS NIGH!” cried Gelatin Gerald, standing on a pile of defeated Soda Pirates. “Brandon, Ay’ve defeated yer crew, now BUILD me a soda rocket so that I may return home- NYAR!” Augustus grabbed him off the pile.

“Gerald, where is Brandon?! I need to ask him something.”

“Where ya think he is, boy, where ’e always is! Too afraid ta face me, he is.”

The Marzipans fought through the crowds and made it to the Soda Can, which was empty except for one person. Bubbly Brandon was at the same table he was seated at the beginning of this month, staring at the same treasure Augustus brought him: the Everbubble Fizz. “Not feeling fizzy today, Brandy?”

“Not anymore, Augustus.” Brandon replied solemnly. “I’ve foreseen such a cataclysm… ’twas always in me nightmares. They called me crazy, but now Ay’m the only one sane… The end of the world.”

“Well, I have news, too.” Augustus ejected the Lost Candies from the Infi-Cube. “I found all the Lost Candies… except for one. And it’s hidden under this very island.”

“Augustus… yer still fixated on such things?”

“I have every reason to be, Brandon. The Lost Candies are supposed to create a ship. A ship that’s supposed to save everyone from the Apocalypse. I’m talking to you because you’ve been coming to this island longer than anyone. I think you have the best chance at knowing where it is.”

“That don’t mean a thing, boy. There be hundreds of sugar-salts on this rock. If there were a giant vessel under this island, it sure ain’t noticeable. Otherwise, all the pirates would be where it is.”

“I didn’t say there was a giant vessel under the island.”

“Y-…” Brandon was confused. “Sure ya did, you said the last candy is under this island.”

“Right, but did I say it was the ship?”

“Well- I… thought the implication was…”

“Bruh, you lie worse than me.” Rallo remarked.

“Brandon, I know you know where it’s hidden.” Augustus stated. “Why are you keeping it secret?”

“Because… that’s when me nightmares started happening. I found the ship yer talkin’ about… found it in me 20s. I wanted to eat every ounce of that candy. But I was so tired from the journey that I took a nap… I saw the planet collapsing, stars exploding, some wave of green mist… and that ship was sailing on by. I thought it was a bad omen… I left that cave and never came back. Never told anyone about it… but I feared the worst happening. ’Tis the very reason I sought to taste all the world’s sodas, and live me life the way I wanted to.”

“And where was the cave, do you remember?”

“Aye…”

Bubbly Brandon led the Marzipans to the Scarlet Licorice, where sexy female pirates came to dance. The bar was abandoned when they stepped in. “’Shame.” Brandon said. “When that Sky Show took place, the lovely lady pirates suddenly had epiphanies and wanted to spend the remainder of their lives doing something more meaningful than pleasing the opposite gender. In me youth, I found the lady pirates here so beautiful that I break into this bar after hours to, eh, nibble on their licorice bikinis.”

“Gross!” Augustus remarked.

“Man, we the ones should be saying that.” Rallo said.

“One day, I decided to play around with the poles.” They stepped onto the stage with two licorice poles. “I got two Licoropes and wrapped them around the tops of either pole to practice my… acrobats.”

“Acrobats?” Augustus chortled. “What, were you in the Circus Pirates?”

“No, but there was a pretty lass from that crew I… may have tried to impress. But when I did, the poles bent, the tops connected, and… Just try it, Augustus.”

“Stewie, gimme yours.” August requested. He roped his Licorope around the top of the left pole and roped Stewie’s around the right. Using Haki strength, the captain tugged both ropes and bent the poles to touch the tips, shaping them like an archway. He unwrapped the ropes and gave Stewie’s back as they stared confusedly. “I don’t understand what-” Augustus walked between them and vanished.

“Captain!” Rallo and the crew gasped. Augustus’s head seemed to stick out of nothingness.

“Whooooaaa!” He gaped. “You twerps gotta get in here!” The head retracted.

Exchanging frightful looks, the four children entered the invisible portal. They were taken to a vast chamber with a giant door sealed with a keyhole and six small doors around the wall, equal to the number of keyholes. There was an image of an ark on the ceiling, similar to the design they saw in the Deep Cream. “These doors each hold a trial that uses one of the Candy Powers.” Brandon explained. “I had to complete ’em all to see the marvel that lay behind that big door there.”

“Then we know what we have to do.” Augustus began his next lollipop. “Which door you kids wanna do first?” (Play “Tower of Riddles” from Paper Mario: Thousand-Year Door.)

Stage B-29: Noah’s Shrine

Mission: Find the sixth Lost Candy.

The Marzipans first decided to enter a door with a Pop Gum floating over it. The door led to a small room with several chocolate rocks, an available Pop Gum, and a sign in the middle. Nel chose to chew the Pop Gum while her captain read the sign.

Before shooting Nel’s gum, Augustus walked around and tasted each of the chocolate rocks. While all the same color, they each tasted different, from milky chocolate, nutty chocolate, dark chocolate, minty chocolate… One of the stones tasted like mud, nearly making him puke. He destroyed that rock with the Nel Launcher. “Aye, ya did it, boy!” Brandon called. “One of the keyholes be glowing!”

Indeed, one of the holes on the central door glowed, and was in the respective location of the room they completed. Next, the kids entered a door with a Bounce Gum. There was a central cyan switch and various puddles of colored Kool-Aid around the wall. The sign read:

Augustus sat on the Bounce Gum, drenched it in the blue Kool-Aid, then the green to make cyan, pushing the same-colored switch. The switch became magenta, so the captain bounced in purple and pink Kool-Aid. Afterwards, it wanted brown Kool-Aid, which Augustus got by combining yellow with orange, then red. When the switch was hit the third time, another keyhole glowed. Next, they entered the Fudgepuffsicle room. There was a spiked floor and ceiling, and a licorice rope-lever in one corner. (Candy corn spikes, of course.)

As expected, Augustus would have to eat the Puffsicle and let Nel ride him. The bloated boy maneuvered toward the switch while Nel made light jumps to keep from sinking him in the spikes or letting him float too high. When they got to the lever, Nel kept Augustus under her while she grabbed the rope in her teeth and pulled it down with her weight. Augustus barely touched the floor spikes when the switch fully hit. They made their way to the start as August deflated. A keyhole was glowing.

“I actually cheated that one.” Brandon mentioned. “Burped me a mighty big soda bubble, I did.”

The crewmates entered the Shrink Sweet room, which had three tiny holes in the opposite wall.

Augustus held Maggie up to peep into each of the holes, and she confirmed the left one was safest. Augustus ate the sweet and shrunk as Maggie put him in her slingshot. She carefully aimed at the little hole and flung him through. Augustus bounced on a marshmallow over a dark pit and landed on a safe foothold. There, he could eat a Growth Gum to stretch back to normal and press a switch. He climbed a ladder to a walkway above the room to return to the side with his friends.

The next room utilized Rock Candy. It was a humongous room that consisted of a racetrack swirling down.

Augustus encased in the Rock Candy and began rolling down the swirling, whirling path. The four kids felt dizzy while watching him, especially when he seemed to come down from the top after going down. Indeed, Augustus was trapped in an endless loop, but the captain was probably too dizzy to realize that. There was a floating pink switch between two loops, and it was lined up with a part on the opposite side. “Augustus, jump when the pink thing is above you!” Stewie yelled.

Augustus saw what he was referring to. When he was aligned, he pushed up and caused the Rock Candy to jump, hitting the switch and bouncing back to the start with a marshmallow. The sixth door they had to complete was the Fizzy Lift Soda. It took place in a breezy room over a dark pit, with a Red, Green, Blue, and Dark Chuchu bubble floating around. There was a gray Tongue One on the other side.

None of the Chuchu matched the Tongue One’s color. However, there was a ray of light poking in from the corner near the entrance. Augustus pushed the Dark Chu to the light and turned it to stone. He quickly grabbed the round stone, which nearly weighed his floating body into the pit. He struggled to carry the stone to the Tongue One and set it in its mouth. “THAAAAANK YOOOOOU.”

With the six trials completed, the great door opened, shaking the cavern in the process. “Ya did it, mates! The door is open!” Brandon called. “The ship not be far now.”

“Sweet!” Augustus dropped his lolli stick. “Let’s go, team.” The passage took them down a zigzaggy cave dripping soda from the light-brown stalactites. They came to a tall wall with a cinnamon path, making use of their Corn-Clamber Boots. At the top, they were taken to an extremely vast room of the cave, most of which was occupied by a terrific mass. The five pirates gaped.

It was a gargantuan ship designed like an ark with an orange body, some yellow stripes, blue wings, and a gold central house on the deck. It had to be as big as an island. It was impossible to believe something as enormous as this was hidden under Gumdrop. “You’ve finally made it.” A tiny, childish voice said. The kids were so busy looking up, they didn’t think to look down and see the Sugar Fairy with mean purple eyes.

“Princess Zeira…” Augustus said. “Why couldn’t you have told me about all this before? About the Apocalypse?”

“The World Government is against the Twenty Keys Prophecy and anything that references it. If you were seeking the Lost Candies with knowledge of the Apocalypse, Lord Licorice would have been tempted to kill you more. Besides… the news of the Apocalypse has struck fear in the hearts of many. I didn’t want that fear to drive you. Instead, what you had was a desire to grant someone’s dying wish… that pure-hearted nature was what drove you.”

“Did it occur to you that I might’ve worked FASTER knowing the world was at stake?! That I could be saving billions of lives besides Luviro’s?”

“Perhaps, but sometimes faster is not better. But it doesn’t matter now. Finally, the six Lost Candies are here. We can revive the Gummi Ship, Noah.”

“The Noah? Like Noah’s Ark?”

“Exactly. The same way Noah’s Ark was to protect the animals from the floods, the Gummi Ship Noah is meant to save the universe’s population from the Apocalypse.”

“The entire universe? It’s big and all, but I don’t even think it can hold the entire world. How is it supposed to work?”

Zeira floated up to the teen’s face, glaring cutely. “How do you think, big guy?”

“Um…” August felt like he should know, yet he didn’t.

Zeira jumped away. “However, it won’t function without the powers of the Lost Candies. Bring them inside quickly. I have already placed the Sugar Fuel in its rightful place. If you’re smart, figure out where the others go.” She flew inside the ship.

“Alright.” Augustus began his next lollipop. “Let’s find a way inside.”

An invisible force appeared to be keeping the vessel propped up, giving them room to run underneath. They saw a Sugar Fairy floating near one side of the ship, and when they ran toward it, the fairy flew up into a window several feet above. “Maggie, you wanna get in there and look for somethin’?” The baby nodded and shot her grappling hook to lift her up into the window.

She was in a room with a candy corn spike floor, and across it was a lever. Maggie shot her grappling hook to the lever and flipped it. Outside, the Marzipans heard a CRASH, looking left to see an anchor drop from a hatch near the front. “MAGGIE, there’s an anchor!” Augustus called for the baby to come down. The crew rushed over to the anchor and stared up at the hatch.

“This looks much too small to actually hold a ship this massive in place.” Stewie observed.

“Yeah, it’s like they set up these puzzles on purpose. Nel, you’re small enough, climb up there and find a ladder to throw down or something.”

“Eyes, Aughsucks!” Nel responded before climbing the anchor’s chain.

“It’s just ‘Aye,’ Nel.”

The cavegirl climbed into a rather tight room of the ship, which led to a corridor with a java pit below. Nel could sidle along a horizontal pipe on her right, then jump to a left pipe when it ended. Nel set foot on the other side and up some chocolate-bar stairs. The following passage led across a java river, where Nel had to jump floating marshmallows that would sink under her weight. Nel then had to swing three hanging Licoropes that would quickly collapse before landing at the base of another stairway. They led to a hall, where the left route led further in the ship, while the right route led to a sealed door.

Nel approached the door and stepped on a switch beside it. The door opened, giving Nel view of her crew down below. A mechanical ladder also lowered from the entrance. “AUGHSUUUUCKS!” She waved for their attention.

“Hey, great job, Nel! Time to see what this baby’s like on the inside.” The crewmates climbed into the ship as Nel took her place on her captain’s shoulders again. They followed the passage to a massive room whose floor was messy with rotten sugar piles and giant Life Savers lain around. On their right, there were two staircases leading up to a higher floor, but there was a sealed garage door between those stairs labeled Generator.

Augustus knocked on the garage door and stuck his Haki hands underneath to try and lift it. He could only lift it slightly, but Stewie took the Infi-Cube and crawled underneath. There was a machine with a glass case and a circular space in its center. Stewie got the Cupcake Core out of the cube and placed it in the space. There was a big green button on a panel on the left, and when Stewie pressed it, the chamber sparked to life and began absorbing the cupcake’s energy.

The door to that room opened, and the pirates gaped when the Life Savers floated in the air, and everything brimmed to life. From the top of the twin stairs, one of them could jump to a small Life Saver that floated to and fro. Stewie had the honors of jumping on and making leaps to the following floating Life Savers. They led to a platform hanging on a wall with several nuts and bolts. There was a large, central peg where a nut could be screwed in, and what better fit than the Rock Nut.

When Stewie twisted it in, the Rock Nut sent some kind of energy glow across the structure of the ship. The crewmates entered a door above the stairs, leading to a room with multiple gears. One of the central pegs was empty, so Augustus took the liberty of putting the Gear Heart there. The gears still weren’t spinning, but with a few tremors from Rallo’s boombox, the Gear Heart pumped to life and began endlessly spinning the system.

The following door led to a chamber of giant gears, leading to an area where the Sun Key would go. Nel bit the Sun Key in her teeth and hopped up some vertical gears, ducked to avoid being crushed by the point in an above gear, then jumped to grab a rotating chain. She dropped on a flat gear, then jumped three hollow gears with Amps floating around them. She then had to Wall Jump between two stacks of small gears, and at the top, she jumped more vertical gears that each had only one spot for her feet. With her excellent platforming, she got into the control chamber and stuck the Sun Key in the keyhole.

The Noah shook harder when all the Lost Candies were in their rightful places. A pathway stretched from the control area down to the other crewmates, allowing them to regroup with Nel. “The ship is fully powered. Meet us up on the bridge.” Zeira’s voice said through the PA.

From the control room, the pirates crossed a hallway and passed a vacant room that had an illusion of space. After going up a few stairs, they found their selves at the deck of the ship, where Bubbly Brandon had been brought by the fairies. Augustus approached Zeira and asked, “It’s certainly big, but how is it gonna get out of here?”

“Don’t underestimate the power of the Lost Candies. BEGIN LIFT-OFF!” (End song.)

The pirates took cover inside the gold house when the ship trembled with power. It felt as if the entire earth quaked when the ship burst up through the ceiling and flooded ocean water into the cave. Everybody on Gumdrop Cove fell off their feet when the titanic vessel lifted up into the sky.

When the trembling subsided, the pirates stepped outside and looked over the railing. The view of the briny sea was astounding, and as the ship steadily ascended, they would soon see the entire planet. “Wow… Imagine the look on Mom’s face when I bring this home.” Augustus remarked.

“I’m afraid I will have to deny you the chance.”

The pirates whipped around and found Lord Licorice, Mandy McKenzie, Azula, and Blackberry Guards. “LICORICE! Where did you come from?!”

“We’ve been camouflaged in the dark sky all along, stupid boy.” Licorice said, holding his gun ready. “With all the Lost Candies, we knew it was only a matter of time before you awakened the Noah. But instead of ambushing you and taking the Lost Candies, we thought it far better to let you do what you must… so we may put this vessel to better use.”

“Oh yeah?” Augustus took out the lolli stick and dropped it over the edge. “And what better use is that?”

“Destroying Kids Next Door Moonbase, of course! King Andrew claims that those meddlesome brats are holding the Seven Lights up there, safe from their grasp. Our only chance to stop the prophecy is to destroy them in one fell swoop. Using the power of this indestructible Noah, I will be the man that ended the Twenty Keys Prophecy! Meanwhile, you five will be the sad little pirates who failed to stop me, and jumped over the edge in despair.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because if you don’t,” replied Mandy, “we’ll feed your Sugar Fairy friend to Azula.” She revealed the butterfly net and the helpless Zeira squirming inside.

“Didn’t you learn your lesson from last time?” Augustus asked Azula.

“I remember what happened.” Azula replied with a snarl. Her eyes were still red from crying all month. “And I learned something: when I feel sad, when I cry… a new fire burns inside me. A fire that burns from pain… and I love feeling that way. I want to cry more… so I can BURN more!” She combusted with sapphire flames.

“Not now, dearest!” Licorice cautioned. “So, what will it be, Marzipans? Are you going to jump, or let your fairy die?”

Augustus glanced over the edge. He stared at his crewmates and nodded assuringly. “You win, Licorice. I guess we just weren’t good enough. Come on, kids. Together!” He picked the four kids up and leapt backward. Licorice and Mandy stared over the railing, but saw only open sea.

“I say… they fall fast.” The Candy Lord observed.

“Indeed, too fast.” Mandy agreed. “But what can you do about juniors. Speaking of which:” She kicked Licorice off his feet and pinned his chest under her foot.

“GYAH!” Licorice yelped when she tipped a sword to his neck. “What are you doing?!”

“Surprise, surprise.” Mandy said sarcastically. “I’m double-crossing you.” Behind her, Moblin and Fatblin had climbed onboard and were attacking the Blackberries. “A ship with this size and power will make the Boogey Pirates invincible. Could use a paint job, of course. I’m not sorry to say I’m putting you out of commission, Licorice.”

“N-Now now, Mandy.” Licorice said nervously. “Perhaps we can sit down and talk about this! Or better yet, you can GO down!” He sunk into the deck.

Mandy, Azula, and the demons were immediately grabbed in cocoons from the ship’s gummy deck. Azula was unable to burn it and Mandy couldn’t phase out. “What in the world is this?!”

“Myah hah hah hah ha ha!” Lord Licorice emerged in the form of a candy monster. “Marvelous! My powers work on this vessel after all! And how convenient, even a Logia’s power is useless against it.” He squeezed the demons into darkness. “Men! The collars! I’ll hand these pirates to King Andrew personally.”

The Blackberries placed chi-blocking collars over Mandy and Azula. Violet Beauregard dropped down from the Cinnamon Ships and kicked the women down. “Lord Licorice wants the Noah.” Veruca Salt smiled eerily, surrounded by her gas cloud. “He wants to destroy the Kids Next Door. He wants to be rid of all you pirates.”

“Our next stop is Kids Next Door Moonbase.” Lord Licorice faced the half-moon in the distant sky. “After this, no one will ever doubt the power of candy! King Andrew… will be pleased.” The Noah turned under his power and set course for the Moonbase.

The Marzipan Pirates landed on a small Cinnamon Ship piloted by Penelope Mousse. “You came unusually quickly.” Augustus remarked.

“I may have put a tracker on your neck and followed you from far away.” the mouse Mobian replied. “I hope that doesn’t violate our parley.”

“I’ll overlook. Speaking of which, where is Captain Stag?”

“I don’t appreciate being called that, boy!” Captain Slag flew up on a large hoverbike fit for his fat body. His twin Rusty Petes rode with him, and many other Slag Pirates had their own bikes. “So, this be the legendary treasure you journeyed far and long for. A ship o’ that size and beauty will be perfect in destroying the World Government!”

“We’ll discuss details later. We can’t let Licorice get to Moonbase!”

“Guys, I think some people are already ahead of us!” Penelope pointed. (Play “Hag 1” from Banjo-Tooie!)

Boss fight: Lord Licorice

Azula’s airships and the Hook Pirates’ flying ships were being bombarded by the Noah’s cannons. “OI! Give us back the captain!” Creeper yelled from the lead airship. “Fire Slugs, melt that behemoth!” A bottom hatch opened and dropped 500 Fire Slugs on the Noah. Veruca took cover from the monsters as they puffed flames, but Licorice simply forced points to jab out around the ship and push them off. “MWAH HAH HA! Do you fools not know what ‘indestructible’ means?!”

“What kind of weird super power is that?!” Penelope questioned.

“It has to be the Candy-Candy Fruit!” Augustus realized. “I remember Big Mom saying that she sent samples of her DNA to Caesar to make Devil Fruits out of them. I guess Lord Licorice managed to steal it, too. Big Mom was so mad, she ate the Gingerbread Village.”

“If I can get Licorice in range, perhaps I can neutralize the power.” Stewie said as he readied his Neutralizer.

“Great idea. Penelope, fly higher.” The mouse girl did so, putting Licorice’s monster form in their view. While the beast was swatting at some flying Hook Pirates, Stewie locked on and fired the Neutralizer. “BYAAAAH!” Licorice sunk into the deck, and the ship halted without his control.

“Now’s our chance, let’s land and attack them!” Augustus declared. Penelope stomped the gas and flew above the Noah’s deck, the Marzipans dropping down. They faced Veruca, Violet, and Mike Teavee with battle-ready expressions.

The three henchmen turned when the control room’s entrance opened and Lord Licorice stepped out. The Candy Lord tossed a bubblegum in his mouth, chewed, and stretched a long, whip-like gum to grab Augustus’s legs and throw him and Nel onto the control room’s roof. “Take care of the larvae.” Licorice ordered. Veruca jumped to grab Stewie, Violet caught Maggie, and Mike caught Rallo before they fell into individual trapdoors.

“Ow…” Augustus helped himself up. Nel was flattened by him from the impact, the cavegirl unconscious. “Nel, are you alright?!”

“It’s cute that you’re concerned for that outdated piece of trash.” Lord Licorice climbed onto the roof. “That’s what you’ll be soon enough.”

“You know, I kind of guessed you would betray the other pirates… but why the Kids Next Door? Why the Seven Lights? Do you want the Apocalypse to happen?!”

“I serve only King Andrew. I owe him everything. Everybody mocked my family for our candy heritage, but he believed in me. He gave me a chance to be feared and respected. I will prove his trust in me by destroying all his enemies with this beauty!”

“King Andrew is wrong, Licorice. The Sky Show made it sound like he’s being controlled by that 8-ball thingy. This ship could save everyone, Licorice, you have to realize that!”

“I won’t let a junior Candy Pirate order me! My faith is in King Andrew, and with this ship, I will be the most powerful force in his ARMY!” He lashed four Licoropes from under his armor. Augustus dodged and slashed his cutlass, but it flew out of his hand and into Licorice’s. “Your friend’s little toy weakened my control on this ship, but my Candy-Candy Fruit isn’t neutralized, yet. You stand no chance against me!” He shot two bullets that Augustus dodged, but Licorice commanded them to come back and hit the boy’s arms.

“YOWCH!” Augustus grabbed the right arm’s wound. The wind from the moving ship made him fall to his knees due to this unstable position.

“You only looked formidable next to your monstrous grandmother, boy, but you’re nothing without-”

“AYAAAAAA!!” Henrietta Fizzuras rammed the Ace Flyer against Licorice’s head, knocking him down to the deck.

“MOM?!” exclaimed Augustus.

“DAMMIT, BOY, I can accept you keeping a cavegirl as your pet, but VHERE did you expect to hide THIS PIECE OF JUNK?!”

“It’s not junk, Mom, it’s important!”

“Oh, I don’t vant to hear it right now!” Henrietta landed on the deck and raised her sword at Licorice. “Nobody hurts my boy except ME, arschloch!” Licorice easily dodged her swings and willed the Candycane Cutlass up at her neck, but Henrietta used Haki to keep it away.

Augustus chucked his Gobstopper at the Candy Lord’s head, giving Heinie the chance to slice him. “Aughsucks, you’re hurt!” Nel yelled after recovering.

“Nel, go inside and look for Zeira. She can heal me.” The cavegirl nodded and pranced inside the ship on all fours. Augustus withstood the pain in his arms and bounced the Gobstopper in his hand. “Are you ready for a taste of Marzipan, Licorice?”

“Cough, cough!” Stewie Griffin was trapped in a gas cloud created by Veruca Salt. The Metahuman Neutralizer turned to rust, much to his horror.

“I want you to suffocate in here.” Veruca told him creepily. “I want you to turn into dust. My Rot-Rot Fruit allows people to age. The more they age, they ROT.”

“Cough!” Stewie studied his hands. They were still baby-like and unchanging. He smirked. “Do your powers affect chronologically frozen infants, perhaps?”

“What?!” Veruca spun a cloud around Stewie. “No! I want to turn you into dust! Why don’t you do what I want?!”

“Because my show has been rotting for years already!” Stewie stretched his Hulk arm and grabbed Veruca, slamming her back-and-forth around the floor. The rotten child was quickly knocked unconscious, her gas cloud fading away. “I’m not going anytime soon.”

Maggie Simpson blasted homing bullets at Violet Beauregard, but even the bullets that never miss could not strike the nimble target. “What’s wrong, baby? Your master eyesight can’t keep up with my flexibility?”

Maggie glared murderously and whipped out a pink bubblegum – in actuality, a Bounce Gum. Maggie shot it at Violet, who dodged as the gum exploded behind and clogged that part of the hall. Violet leapt over and punched Maggie to the floor. She recovered in time to see her escape down a left hall, so she shot a Bounce Gum to the right to clog it up.

The opposite hall turned right at the end, and Maggie saw Violet clinging to the ceiling close by. The henchgirl quickly kicked Maggie against the wall and crawled away, but the baby shot another Bounce Gum ahead to block her path. Maggie shot bullets that Violet still dodged, and when the baby got closer, Violet jumped over and ran back the way they came. Violet was forced to head into the original hall with gum blocking the other. Unfortunately, gum prevented her escape here, too, and Maggie shot another Bounce Gum to trap her in place. “HEY! Let me out of here, you little brat!!”

Maggie pulled her binky out and said, “Start chewing, bitch.”

Rallo ducked under a classroom desk to hide from a group of zombies. “Come on, man, Zombie High ain’t somethin’ a 5-year-old should watch! Please change the channel to Class of 3000.”

“We can’t leave now! This is the part where the zombies eat the little kid’s brain.” Mike’s voice echoed.

“AAAAH!” The zombies threw aside his desk, missing Rallo as he sprinted toward the hallway. His efforts were fruitless as zombies in school uniforms surrounded him from both directions. “No, please!” Rallo ducked in fear. “I need my brain! I can’t even count to 11! My head’s as good as a-!” He just remembered: “Duh.” Before a zombie could snack on his afro, he revealed his stereos. He turned them up to full blast and quaked the digital television world.

Outside, the stereos of the HD TV caught fire and burned the whole device. Rallo and Mike were forced out. “I don’t got time for you, Teavee!” Rallo blasted a swarm of music notes to knock Mike out. “My captain needs me!”

Nel located a storage room where Mandy and Azula were chained to pipes. “Oh, it’s Augustus’s new pet.” Mandy remarked. “Do us a favor and bite these chains off.”

“Up here!” Zeira’s butterfly net was hung on a wall. “Hurry and save me!”

“Pupils!” Nel responded, bumping the wall headfirst to make the net fall. The cavegirl tore it open with her teeth and freed Zeira. “Aughsucks need help!”

“I’m on it. And it’s ‘aye,’ by the way.”

Lord Licorice made a cloud of Pop Gums circle above before sending the explosives to rain upon Henrietta, who dodged in a tap-dance fashion. Augustus tossed his Gobstopper at him, but Licorice caught it in midair, and pelted the sphere between the mother and son’s stomachs. During one comeback, Augustus grabbed the ball and was thrown against his mother. “I’m through wasting time with you so-called pirates!” Licorice stomped his foot to sink into the vessel, then grabbed the deck in his fingers.

Augustus and Henrietta slid toward the back when the Noah shifted angle and faced the moon, shaking as energy charged in the engines. “I’ll drive this ship so fast through Moonbase, they’ll never see it coming! GAAAAH!” It shook forcefully under an unseen force. “What’s happening now?!”

“By Electro!” exclaimed Captain Slag. “It be the giant Kremling, K. Lumsy!”

“K. Lumsy?!” Augustus whipped around. The giant Kremling was flying with a pair of white, glittery wings.

“Pwetty fairies tell me friends in trouble. K. Lumsy gonna protect friends.”

“Because the power of friendship is sweeter than any sugar!” declared the Sugar Fairies that composed his wings.

“Augustus, we have to defeat him now!” Zeira flew out of the ship and used glittery bubblegum to patch the captain’s wounds.

“Not vithout me!” Henrietta grabbed Lord Licorice around the neck.

“Rock on, Mom!” Augustus hardened his fists like stone and repeatedly punched Lord Licorice’s face.

“NNN!” Henrietta kicked the Candy Lord to his front. “You’re not getting out of punishment, boy!”

“I’ll take that CHANCE!” Augustus stomped the lord’s head with an Armament boot and knocked him clean out. The Noah was free from his control. (End song.)

“YAHOOOO!” The Rusty Petes cheered for the Marzipans as they and Slag boarded the Gummi Ship. “Augustus-gustus, he’s the man, if he can’t do it, perhaps Slag could have!”

“Oh ho ho, I admit, ’twas a festive display.” Slag laughed. “But we have a parley to complete. This ship be OURS now, Augustus!”

“What do you mean yours?!” Mandy and Azula appeared, with the latter holding Nel by the ankle. “I didn’t waste a month working with that clown to let YOU take this ship!”

“You blokes have enough in your arsenal!” Captain Hook and Mr. Smee landed on deck. “Give the Hook Pirates a fighting chance, why don’t ye?! I’ll fight ye BOTH for this delicious vessel!”

“NONE OF YA are getting the Noah!” Bubbly Brandon declared. “It belong to Captain Augustus! He’s the one who earned it. He and his crew braved all the trials to find the Lost Candies.”

“You think I’m going to let some junior pirate captain the Noah?” Mandy asked.

“You don’t get to decide that, Mandy.” Henrietta stated imposingly. “I’m his mother, so I’ll deal the necessary scolding.” She turned to her son and demanded, “Augustus, vhat the HELL do you plan to DO with this freaking ship?!”

“Save everyone from the Apocalypse!”

Heinie’s eyes widened. “Ze… Apocalypse?”

“This Noah has the capability to save everyone from the universe’s destruction.” Zeira reasoned. “You all know what is to come. And frankly, none of you deserve to captain the Noah.”

“And we’re to entrust the duty to him?!” Captain Hook shouted. “Big Mom’s grandson?”

“Will you stop calling me ‘Big Mom’s grandson’?!” Augustus argued. “I’m Augustus the Stone Fist! I’m not the one who did all those things to you, Big Mom did! I’m my own pirate and I have my own crew. And I went on this entire adventure for YOUR sake!”

“OUR sake?” Azula questioned.

“If this ship can save everyone from the Apocalypse, then it can save you guys, too. What’s going to happen if the world ends? No more sailing, no more competing, no more treasure, no more adventure… but with this ship, we can keep doing what we love. All I ask is that you let me lead you for just a little bit. Let me lead you to the New World… and you can skewer me later.”

Silence followed for a few minutes. In truth, they all feared the Apocalypse and none knew what to do. “Very well.” Mandy finally spoke. “I’ll let you have the glory of piloting this rust bucket. But… where do we go, exactly?”

“That… is a good question. Where do we go, Zeira?”

“First, let’s make a quick stop.” Zeira glanced at Lord Licorice.

KND Moonbase

“CHEREN!” Larry MayHence called. “You gotta see this!”

“WHAT the-?!” Francis gaped.

“It’s… AUGUSTUS!” Panini screamed.

The tremendous Gummi Ship casually sailed by the treehouse’s glass window. Augustus waved at all the gazing operatives, slurping a new lollipop. “What’s up, kids?! I brought you a little present!” A cannon shot a tied-up Licorice, Mike, Veruca, and Violet through their window. “You might wanna lock ’em up somewhere! I’ll see you on D-Day!” The ark sailed to the stars.

“What… the heck has he been doing all month?” Cheren asked.

“I dunno.” Sheila said. “But it looks WAY cooler than what I’ve been doing.”

The Noah; somewhere in space

“Captain!” Rallo Tubbs pointed at the sky. “There’s a big-ass meteor coming straight for us!”

“Relax, Ralls.” Augustus sucked his lollipop with a confident smirk. “Nothing can damage this—THAT’S NO METEOR!”

A big round mass crashed on the Noah’s deck, along with a smaller round mass. “NYAAAAA HA HA HA HA!” Big Mom was alive and in the artificial flesh. “AUGUSTUS… what a big piece of CANDY you found! NAAAAH!” Charlotte sunk her teeth into the Gummi Ship, but it was too strong for her teeth.

“BIG MUM!” Henrietta exclaimed. “But who is…”

“So, YOU’RE the newest sweets in my bloodline.” Sherry Linlin observed. The Linlin ancestor had strawberry hair, red swirls on her white cheeks, and wore a dress that could have been made of sweet pink gum with lollipop lace. “Or should I say a couple of them.”

“I don’t understand! How are you two alive?!” Augustus questioned, his lollipop nearly falling out from talking.

“The World Leaders revived us, Augustus…” Big Mom drooled. “They want us to EEEAT this ship… and I say, YEEEEEES!” Her bulging red zombie eyes swelled with hunger.

Mandy McKenzie leaped and struck the Candy Pirate with her sword. “I regret not having the chance to duel you, Big Mom.” Mandy’s body brimmed with an aura of fear. “I’m thankful for this opportunity.”

While Nel was innocently wandering the ship’s hall, she heard something crash through a hatch behind her. “Oh?” She turned to face a tall Inferius: an 18-year-old with long cyan hair, a skull mask on her head, and strong bare legs going into a green loincloth dress.

“Hi, Nel.” The Inferius glared at her. “I Nel.”

“You… Nel?” The cavegirl was royally baffled.

“NYAAAA!” Big Mom gnashed at Mandy and Azula, who both pushed their sword and flaming foot up at the giant’s teeth and poured great strength to keeping her aloft. The lady pirates jumped away as Big Mom’s teeth loudly SNAPPED. “Using fearbending on her only makes her worse.” Mandy observed.

“Ma ma maaaa! Azula, your blue fire looks tastyyy! I want iiiiit!” Big Mom drooled poison acid on the deck. Azula set fire to make a great explosion, but Big Mom’s bulbous body was only slightly bruised before it self-healed.

Sherry Linlin had long pink nails that she swiped at Augustus and Henrietta, and they avoided in fear of catching the Candy Virus. “This is a beautiful ship you’ve found. Perhaps if you showed this to the family, they would forgive your betrayal, darlings.”

“I’m not coming back, lady.” Augustus told her. “All your family was trying to do was infect the Earth with your virus.”

“Sorry, but there were way too many creeps over there, anyway.”

On Captain Slag’s ship nearby, the Hyrule Slag was clashing swords with the Inferius of his Terminan counterpart. “Hyrule Slag… I’m sorry for not responding to your email. Ay’ve been dead, you see!”

“It’s okay, Termina Slag!” the former cried. “All is forgiven!”

The twin Rusty Petes sniffled. “That’s so beautiful!” they chorused.

Inside the Noah

“If you Nel… you… me?” Nel asked her older self.

“Augusus take Nel back home.” Older Nel replied. “Nel no know why she back… but Nel want talk to Augusus. Will Nel take Nel to him?”

“Um… Nel guess she help Nel.” replied the younger, confused cavechild.

Augustus and his mother combined Armament Haki to chop off Sherry’s nails, but like every other wound they landed, the nails self-healed. “Zere is nothing ve can do to hurt zem!” Henrietta yelled. “At zis rate, ve’ll be toast long before they are.”

“Mamamamamamama!” Sherry cackled. “I don’t want to kill you, my sweets. Thanks to this little spell taking place, I finally have the chance to commence the Linlin Family Reunion! I’m just dying to see all my descendants, alive and undead, sitting at a great big table and eating every sweet in the universe! But, with so many alien races out in the great vast cosmos, there are jillions more for you to marry and bare beautiful hybrids! It’s going to be so… delicious.”

“AUGUSUS NO WANT YOU!” Somebody shot up like a bullet and kicked Sherry with both feet, sending her over the deck of the Noah.

Augustus gaped as the stranger stood to full height—though she wasn’t really a stranger at all. “N…Nel?”

The cavewoman’s cyan hair blew with a breeze caused by the ship’s movement. Augustus noticed the younger Nel behind him, then faced the older Nel. Her legs had become very strong and firm, her chest developed greatly, and her Inferius eyes bore strictness. “Whoa… Nel… you, uh… you’ve grown.”

“Augusus…” Teenage Nel spoke. “Nel know why she know English… Nel learn from English.”

“English?” August cocked a brow.

“Big light that appear in sky 3 days ago in this time. Lord English. English teach Nel English. Nel not remember this until Nel die.”

“Oh…” He glanced at the younger version with regret. “You die, huh?”

“It Nel fate. But Nel don’t go without fighting.” She smiled, holding up one leg. “Nel call herself Stone Foot, after great Captain Aughsucks. Nel strongest foot in all Primordial Rock… until Nel die from giving birth to child. But Nel glad to see Augusus one more time. Nel must tell Augusus to take Nel back to past. It where Nel belong.”

“Sigh… I guess she does. …It was great to see you again, Nel.”

“Augusus no need worry.” The cavewoman touched his shoulder. “Nel be with Augusus always. And Nel… always…”

“I know you do, Nel… I know.”

“…” And so, the two embraced in a deep kiss. The Baby Trio, Henrietta, Mandy, and Azula were royally appalled. Augustus deeply enjoyed the kiss with the strong, beautiful cavewoman. Nel was so happy that her Inferius body shone and crumbled, releasing her soul back to the Spirit World. “Aughsucks is best captain, Aughsucks is bravest…” The spirit sung.

“Whew.” the captain whistled. “Nothing concludes a story like a kiss from a lady!”

Again, the witnesses felt like throwing up, for they had known the 5-year-old version of that woman all this time. The young Nel, on the other hand, was infatuated with his captain greater than ever.

Sometime much later; the Flower Field, Planet Flora

The Flower Field was a vast, open country where flowers of every variety blossomed. It was always summer and there were few trees. There were creatures called Bub-ulbs, a sentient race of flowers with feet and faces on their large bulbs, as well as larger flowers with faces. Multiple rivers flowed across the fields, originating from a gigantic fountain with a rainbow. The water was so pure, it seemed like it could make one live forever from a single drink.

“The last thing I wanted to do in the Floran War was bring the conflict here.” Viridi told the hundreds of operatives behind her. “I certainly never wanted to bring you horrible monsters here.”

“But the Flower Field is a wonderful place!” Arianna twirled. “There’s so much love and happiness in the air!”

“There certainly is.” Cheren smiled. “That’s why me and Nebula thought this was the perfect place for everyone to have a mini vacation. It feels like all we’ve been doing all summer is training. We deserve some cool-down time.”

“He’s right.” Anthony agreed. “You have no idea how brutal Toph is.”

“Let’s lay some ground rules first.” Viridi stated. “No shoes for one thing. …Actually, you aren’t supposed to wear clothes in general, but since humans can’t stand to see each other naked, I’ll let it slide. No kicking flowers, but picking them or lying in them is okay, just make sure they aren’t sentient. No loud noises, no defecating in the river, and no outside snacks or littering. I’ll take that sucker off your hands, Mr. Fizzuras.” She whipped a vine over to snatch Augustus’s buhmillionth lollipop.

“Ugh.” Augustus scoffed, removing his shoes, as did the Baby Trio. “I can’t believe my mom’s making me hang with you KNDorks.”

“Interestingly, the Mushroom Kingdom has its own Flower Field.” Goombella noted. “I oughta take you guys to visit. Since Nebula DID include my homeworld with the shrunken planets.”

“Anyway, that’s all I have to say.” Viridi said. “Just ditch your footwear and enjoy the Flower Field.”

Sector W explored a region of smaller flowers as they picked some to weave crowns. “I feel bad for all those other Firstborn trapped in the Egg Chambers.” Diancie said as she put on her woven crown. “As someone who was trapped in a dark place for millions of years, I can tell you it gets lonely.”

“I bet it does…” Harvey replied, staring close at a pink flower. …In the far distance beyond the flower, he noticed Sector RZ. Diwata was holding an umbrella for her Firstborn. “Hey, Diancie… you ever talk to Crest?”

“Hm?” Diancie looked their direction. “I don’t believe I have. Knowing we’re the newest Firstborn, it’s weird that we haven’t.”

“You two should talk. You are the only Firstborn in the universe at the moment.”

“Hm hm, when you put it like that… Okay, I’ll talk to him.”

Elsewhere, the Marzipan Pirates were lain down, growing sleepy in the softness of the flowers. “Look at us layin’ in flowers like a couple-a hippies.” Rallo said. “You think any of those fellas are hookin’ up? Just rollin’ around in the flowers, makin’ contact?”

“It’s pretty nice, I admit.” Augustus rolled on his side, closing his eyes. “Too bad I don’t got anyone to make ‘contact’ with.” He felt a shadow come over his face. “That don’t mean I’m getting with you, Stewie.”

“Open your eyes, you creepy narcissist, that’s not me.” Stewie retorted.

“Augusus…”

Augustus peeped an eye open. A beautiful girl’s face was hanging over him, pretty hazel eyes, dangling cyan hair, and a purplish-red line painted over her nose. “NEL!” Augustus’s heart jumped. “Y-You’re here! How…”

“I brought her.” Death the Kid spoke. “Until recently, this woman was a 197 million-year-old Arrancar. After her Inferius crumbled, her spirit was filled with light again. It seems she longed to reunite with you. Her love burned bright for that much time. It was so powerful that it was impossible to subdue her. We didn’t want her to become an Arrancar again, so we allowed her a Gigai to come visit you.”

“Nel so happy she get to be with Augusus again!” Nel laid on the younger teen and rubbed cheeks with him. “Now that Nel matur, she make good mate for him.”

“W-Whoa whoa! Nel, you’re not quite alive anymore… are you?”

“Technically, a Gigai has all the components of a living organic body.” Kid noted. “Including reproductive organs.”

“Why did you phrase it like that?!”

“Does Augusus know good cave for him and Nel?” asked the cavegirl.

“NO I DON’T!!” Augustus pushed Nel off and sprinted across the fields.

“Nel confused.” said the cavegirl after helping herself up. “Does Augusus feel scared because Nel taller?”

“I’d give that a fair wager.” Stewie replied. (“Mw-mw.” agreed Maggie.)

“You know, seeing all these couples together, it makes me realize something.” Aisa said to her teammates. “None of us have boyfriends.”

“That sure came out of nowhere!” Mocha laughed. “I guess none of us do have any close guy friends.”

“Why do we need any now?” Chimney asked. “We ain’t no smelly teenagers. Our hormones are just fine, thank you! …Em, no offense, April.” (“Gyom-gyom.”)

“I am rather curious, though.” April said. “I’ve always examined couples from afar and watched how their emotions operate. I would like to practice it.”

“So, what? We should try and look for boyfriends when we get back?” Apis questioned.

“Or at least new friends who are guys!” Aisa grinned. “I hate to say I’m tired of you girls, but it doesn’t hurt to expand our friendship circle.”

“Eh.” Chimney shrugged. “I guess it would be cool. Who you think would be a good friend?”

“GIRLS, HIDE ME!” Augustus jumped over and pulled Chimney and Apis together, hiding behind them.

“Him, maybe?” Apis said awkwardly.

The two chose to keep their pose for a few minutes. Augustus peeped around, but could not see his stalker through the flowers. “Sigh…” But when he turned, his face met with Nel’s. “YAH!!” He fell back and knocked Chimney and Apis down.

“Why Augusus hide from Nel?” asked the cavewoman that was crouched like a puppy. “Nel want to be near her mate.”

A frantic Augustus snatched Aeincha and wagged her in front of Nel’s face. “Look, Nel! It’s a tasty tiny person! Wanna taste the tiny person?”

“NO, PLEASE!” Aein cried.

“Stop it!” Apis snatched her back. “Speaking of couples, it looks like you two have some issues. We’ll leave you alone.” With that, Sector W7 left.

“Augusus no need run from Nel. Nel understand.”

“Nel do? I-I mean, you do?” asked Augustus, calming down.

“Nel want to be with Augusus.” She crawled up beside him. “But Augusus… too young for Nel.”

Augustus instantly pictured the 5-year-old cavegirl in his mind, smiling and laughing. “Uh… yeah, Nel, I’m too young for you.” He complied.

“Nel and Augusus from different time. We no can be mates. But Augusus always be Nel mate.” Nel brushed her head against his. “And Nel always be with Augusus in breast.”

“Y-You mean in heart, heh heh. …But, um… I’m glad you understand, Nel.” Augustus withdrew a green lollipop from his pocket. “This is for you.”

“Oh!” Nel took it happily. “Thank, Augusus! Up my nose it goes.”

“NEL, NO-!”

“Nel jokes.” Nel placed the candy in her mouth. “Nel smarter than that.”

“Heh heh heh!”

Chapter Text

The deeper they got into the hideout, the greater they could hear faint music and chanting. They entered a singing door, and the song grew even louder. They were met with an intoxicating scent that smelled like cookies, cake, and chocolate all being baked into the same pot. There was a fence nearby, overlooking a room with a bright pink glow. Sandman and Nagisa calmly approached and crouched behind the fence. They were not prepared for what was inside.

A stream of pink smoke traveled along the walls, giving faces to all the flowers and sweets that it touched. A ghost-like figure danced in midair, twirling her magenta dress and her massive pink, curly hair. The woman was five stories tall, her nose was long and pointy, and the mouth on her pudgy face looked like it could store 20 wedding cakes.

The woman danced above a lying body of herself, surrounded by eight torches. Underlings were playing music; they consisted of demons, Nimbi, Goombas, and even dragons. “HAH HA HA HAH! Maaaamama mama. Tell me how long until my return?”

“Only a minute, Mamaaaaa~!”

“Analog! Analog! Analog!” sung the clocks.

“And the little Empress outside, tell me, does she knoooow?”

“Nooooo ideaaaa, Mamaaaaa~!”

“Nail polish! Nail polish! Nail polish!” sung the pink nail polish.

There was a strum, and the singing picked up. “A REVIVAL, REVIVAL, IIII can’t waaaaiit! It took so long to maaaaake!”

“The budget? (We got plenty!) Ingredients? (We got high quality!)”

“JAMMIN’ JELLY BLOOD!”

A large pink Goomba in a pink sun hat said, “Got them.”

“Buttermilk Skin!”

A white mermaid with white hair said, “Got it.”

“PINK DIAMOND!”

The chest on the corpse was shining pink. A Pink Pearl said, “Affirmative.”

“THEN LET’S BEGIN!” declared the giant. The flames brimmed to life as a pink column erupted from the body. The spirit was slowly absorbed into the body, and it rose from its rest like a zombie. The giantess opened her mad pink eyes, and she licked her cherry lips to confirm her taste buds were there.

The woman took a tremendous whiff with her big nose. “SNIIIIIIFF! Is that powder I smell?”

“Just somebody’s ash!”

“Is that strawberry ice cream??”

“Made of somebody’s brain!”

“With little SPRINKLES on it?!”

“Nope! Just dead Minish!”

“CAN’T SAY I CARE EITHER WAAAAAYYY!”

Pink aura shone from her body. Before everyone’s eyes, a golden sun with a face appeared beside the giant and lit up the room. Some of the pink smoke turned white and became a smiling cloud with a baseball cap.

“This day will be rued by eeeeeveryooooone! The Big Mom Pirates are BACK TO HAVE FUUUUUN!” The song entered its final verse as the pirates danced with the purest enthusiasm. Nearly every object in the room had grown a face and were dancing in synchronized fashion. To Nolan and Nagisa, it was like a Disney movie come to life.

“Now, then…” The Emperor smirked at the little fence beside her head. “Who dares eavesdrop on my party?”

Florae Galaxy (Play “Try Everything At the Buffet” by Thadudette!)

The Queen Mama Chanter was sailing back into the atmosphere of its homeworld: a very vibrant and colorful planet that looked so sweet, you would just wanna eat it. This very planet was a realm that Candy Pirates sought for generations, and it was where the Linlin Family had long called home. Races from all across the universe were welcomed to this delicious paradise.

Queen Sherry jumped off the flagship and rode Zeus across the world. A song was echoing across the planet, sung by all the smiling, sentient objects born from the hearts of people, including Zeus and Prometheus their selves.

The seas were completely composed of soda, juice, milk, and a mixture of all beverages from across the world. As Queen Sherbet soared on her flying nimbus, she beamed at all the happy Fishmen, mermen, Zoras, Lochladies, and Drophyds that raced along the surface. The aquatic creatures gasped when a force lifted them up, for a group of giant merkids decided to carry them on their backs.

Queen Sherry flew to Ice Cream Mountain, watching as Anouki, Bumpties, Shiverians, Glacians, and yeti slid down the colorful slopes, in which the giant ones had a headstart. Zeus flew close to the sherbet mountain so Her Majesty could brush her great tongue against the surface, taking a big gulp. Now, she was soaring over Lollipop Forest, where a giant Mobian rabbit girl was hopping along happily, rode by a Kikwi, Deku, Korok, and a large Minish with smaller Minish. Past the forest was Jam City, where Toads, Duros, Glomourians, goblins, Koopas, and Hylians went about their jammin’ business!

Pop Gum Bob-ombs were working at the Big Mom bases, producing more cannon jawbreakers and Sweet Bills by the hour. The Nimbi, Rito, Majins, and wizards were flying happily amongst the Cotton Clouds, in which Her Majesty swooped by and bit off a chunk of a singing cloud. People were diving into the great Flurp Falls, waterfalls composed of all kinds of Flurp! When people sought knowledge, they went to visit the Smartie Library, which offered Smarties to increase their brainpower; a much splendid treat for the Terachnoids, Kateenians, and robots (whom were programmed with tastebuds).

Of course, not all of this wondrous land was free: Liquor Island was strictly prohibited for kids under 21, as ordered by Minister Pawtucket Pat. As for the adults, the Chumba-Wumbas would happily serve them all the wine they pleased! There was so much love, variety, and diversity that Great Grandma couldn’t help but dance! From the chocolate volcanoes, the Caramel Canyons, Donut Towers, to even her Whole Cake Chateau! There were so many wonderful sweets to go around!

But who said only sweets made up Sweetopia? There was just as much fun taking place in Meatropolis, where millions relished in organically produced burgers, steaks, and sausages. Milky Heights was toured by all who sought the excitement of pizza pools, milk fountains, and cheese canyons. There were forests and jungles made of fruits and vegetables, though it would be a stretch to say they were as fresh as the ones in Flora. Regardless, there was surely food to fit anyone’s diet! It was truly a paradise where everyone could be happy!

Avalar; Buttertown

Citizens ran in fear as Rango sent his saws to chase them. Harriet threw bombs with her ponytails and destroyed several buildings while Spewart melted them with his poison. Six Sky Chomps were hauling the landmark of town, the Butterbeer Tower, with their chains, adding more and more force before the tower was ripped out of the ground. Madame Broode told her Broodals it was time to leave, so they rushed to return to their wedding ships.

Flora; Maple Grove

Majin Buu flew headfirst into a fleet of flying Kikwi craft, turning hundreds into delectable candies. Five giant Kikwis leapt from the ground to stab the fluffy Majin with spears, but Buu felt no pain as he zapped the warriors with magic lightning. “Buu tired of playing. Buu take your syrup now.” His ship, the Marshmallow Majin, began slurping syrup up from the forest via a powerful vacuum. The ship was pink with inflatable marshmallows at its base, and a figurehead that depicted Buu’s sweet face.

Hyrule; Sweikah Mountain

The Sweikah were a sub-race of Sheikah with pink hair. The shadowed guards of the sacred temple were being felled one by one by an unknown assassin. As soon as Hisoka Morow was at the temple entrance, Sweikah rushed him. His arms stretched like gum as he sliced the ninjas with bladed cards.

Outside, a hundred Sheikah Guardians were surrounding the commander, a green-haired woman in white clothing, cape, and a mask. The woman transformed into a massive sphinx, enduring the Guardians’ lasers as she sliced them all with her claws, leaving them as nothing more than pieces of scrap. Her ship, the Ivory Castle, bore the figurehead of a sphinx, was ivory-colored, and the cabin looked like a castle.

Mushroom World; Bubblaine

The Cheep Cheeps and Bubblainians were drunk and dizzy, due to their entire coast having become infected with alcohol. This left no opposition for the Chumba-Wumbas to slurp as much Sparkle Fizz into their containers as they pleased. An orange-haired man with a top-hat designed like a beer can twirled his cane and tipped his hat with a smile. His ship, the Drunken Clam, whose figurehead resembled a clam with dizzy eyes, and had pipes of beer flowing around it, apparently serving as the ship’s gas, returned to the sky with its engines burning.

Mobius; Red Mountain

A horde of Gorons were rolling against a horde of Mobian hedgehogs, and the stone beings easily bowled over the animals. These Gorons were chocolate-colored and had cake-shaped heads. “You lesser animals are NOTHING before my Pound Cake Platoon!” declared General Tsao, a Cucco Rito in samurai armor. “Red Mountain’s meat will be ours before long, Lord Taco.”

“Bueno!” Lord Taco was a giant Tostarenan; a humanoid with a macabre skull head, spinning flower eyes, a sombrero fit with hot sauce bottles, and a cape that looked like a taco. His ship, the Gran Picante, fittingly looked like a giant taco, with churro cannons. He was swinging churro maracas and dancing. “Nothing spicier than molten magma! Nothing make us sweatier! We gonna dance ’til our bones break, amigo!”

Sweetopia

A ship was approaching the atmosphere of Sweetopia. A coughdrop vessel approached it as the face peeped into the window. The guests presented their invitations, and when the ships felt Great Grandma’s soul radiating from it, they moved aside to allow entry.

The ship made land in Whole Cake Capital. A group consisting of Gramma Stuffum, Cuppa Joe, Mother Mae-Eye, Mr. Jelly (without his Knightbrace disguise), Lunch Lady, and their underlings stepped off to observe the singing capital.

Inside of a singing church, people were happily stepping up to the preacher, a pink female Boo. The Boo was pulling small soul balls from their hearts and placing them in a basket. In return, the Nimbi guards gave them a blood-red candy.

As the world of objects were concluding their song, Queen Sherry returned to her throne. The pink Priestess Boos flew up to her with baskets of souls, and the queen delightfully slurped them into her nose with one great whiff. She lovingly touched a hand to her diamond heart, which was warmed by today’s collection of souls. And yet, none of them felt as warm as the little witch’s soul. She couldn’t wait for her birthday.

Another ship made land, and Lala Stork stepped off. The three-eyed girl turned to her family and said with a sweet smile, “Welcome to Sweetopia!”

Lala rented a Lakitu Tour Cloud. She, her brother Bartie, his wife Virginia, and their kids Terry and Lola rode the cloud across Fryburg, a town of French fry buildings. “Fryburg is merely a small, salty piece of paradise!” Lala began, using a microphone for effect. “As you can plainly see, every object and piece of land on Sweetopia is edible. Anything can fill your tummy on this planet, therefore nobody goes hungry. Technology and electrical items are baked with dough used for Electro Cookies, popular pastries for Birkan Nimbi. For currency, we have Chocolate Coins wrapped in either gold, bronze, or platinum foil, depending on their taste. The more valuable coins or items are, the tastier they are, but then you won’t have them.”

“Why would we do that when we can eat anything else?” Lola asked.

“Everybody has unique tastes, Lola.” Lala smiled, winking her forehead eye.

“Is that why you pirates still steal candy from everywhere else?” Terry asked smugly.

“But of course! Every candy in every country or world has its own exotic taste and flavor. And although you can eat anything here, most of the landscape tastes awful with everyone’s feet marching over it, and the fact that this planet is millions of years old. Food tastes a lot better when it’s cooked by hand or by oven.”

“POTATOOOEEES!” The five whipped to their left as a giant girl tore the roof off a restaurant. The 18-year-old giant had light-gold eyes and brown hair in a ponytail, along with a green sweater, black pants with a silver belt, a brown jacket with Big Mom’s Jolly Roger, and brown boots. As madness filled her eyes, she dug her hand into the restaurant, grabbing a handful of screaming potatoes and throwing them into her mouth. As she munched them into mush, she mumbled, “These aren’t Sweikah Potatoes. NONE of these are Sweikah Potatoes.” After taking a big swallow, she rose to full height and bellowed, “WHEN CAN I HAVE MY SWEIKAH POTATOOOEEEEES?!”

“Oh, don’t mind her.” Lala said. “She’s our cousin, Sasha Blouse. She has food cravings like the rest of us, but she’s like a big sister to everyone here! She’s also an Amazon, so she’s good with a sword.”

“She’s also kinda destroying the town like a Lego set.” Lola remarked.

“Like a big sister would!” Virginia beamed.

Ignoring the rampaging giant in the background, the Tour Cloud flew over a church. “For generations, people honored and worshipped Great Grandma like a goddess, praying that one day, she could walk upon their world. Scientists developed special candies infused with Bang Gas that were designed to help their bodies grow; Gigantification, as you could guess.”

“Hold on, that sounds like the same crap Caesar Clown was trying to feed kids!” Terry remembered.

“It certainly is!” Lala grinned. “Who do you think gave him the materials? Gigantification has been a topic of interest for scientists for years, based off the horrid experiments the demons used to perform on children in days past. Only, remove the part with turning them to flesh-eating monsters and make them competent soldiers for battle. The Linlin Family was especially fixated on the project due to their ancestor’s origins. And although we’re not all related, nearly everyone on this planet possesses candy in their veins. We find that it helps us adapt with Gigantification much better.”

“You mean you actually want to be a giant?” Bartie asked.

“Well, it sure would’ve benefited me when I was little! Besides, it’s what Her Majesty wishes for everyone. She wishes for all her family and subjects to grow closer to her, not just in size, but in spirit. …Which brings us to a rather new phase of our religion. You see, Queen Sherry was revived with the heart of Pink Diamond from Planet Emera, and our Gem crewmen explained to us how it worked. Pink Diamond was able to take peoples’ souls and spread them to objects. She could swallow whole souls or pieces of souls, but doing so would reduce a person’s lifespan.”

“Well, that isn’t twisted at all.” Virginia remarked.

“And with her power, Queen Sherry is able to conjure spirits of Psychic Chi, and they would work to collect Pieces of Soul from everyone every week. People lose one day of life force every week, and it all goes directly to Her Majesty, who has since grown ever so closer to her subjects. However, if people refuse to pay, then they must be banished from the world. Sadly, some people were frightened by this new custom, and so they fled.”

“Can’t really say that I blame them.” Terry said.

“So, Pudding, I see you brought some fresh meat.” The family about-faced, shocked that a pink-haired man with a slender, muscular physique showed up on the cloud.

“Oh, Hisoka. I didn’t expect you back so soon.” Lala replied with furrowed eyes.

“We caught wind of a crisis in Fryburg. Figured it was Potato Girl. While I let Cassiopea handle this, I figured I would come meet the new members of the family.” Hisoka approached the kids, bending over them with a seductive smile. “Mmm, a vampire. You’ll fit right in.” he said to Lola. “And as for you… well, you look rather average.” he said to Terry.

“Who the frick are you, anyway?”

“Why, I’m your big cousin, Hisoka!” The circus man playfully pinched Terry’s cheek. “More specifically, the kind of cousin that shoves you to the ground and twists his knuckles into your skull.”

“Okay, buddy, you can stop touching my son now.” Virginia gripped his right arm and tried to pull it away. “W-What the-?!” She realized her fingers were stuck to his skin like glue.

Hisoka whipped around and wrapped his left arm around Ginny’s body, his fingers still glued to Terry’s cheek. “I ate the Gum-Gum Fruit, sweetheart. I’m like that annoying piece of gum you just can’t get off your shoe.” He blew a bubblegum and popped it. The carnie flipped off the cloud with his extended arms whirling and he SLAMMED them against the salty road. Terry began bleeding from the head as Hisoka lifted him up. “And not to rub salt in your wound, but if you’re going to live here, you’ll need to look the part.” He wiped the blood off with his finger.

Terry’s shadow, Tael struggled to pull his master away, but he was bound to Hisoka via his stretched, gummy skin. “Who said I want to live here?! I’m coming to your damn birthday party and letting that be the end of it!”

“Are you really certain, boy?” Hisoka blew his gum again. “Grandma would be heartbroken if you don’t stick around. And you don’t want to-” He was suddenly SQUISHED under a giant boot, freeing Terry.

“Cousin Lala, do you have any Sweikah Potatoes?!” Sasha asked, her face level with the Tour Cloud. The Stork Family had full view of her manic eyes. “Lady Pea said she would be home HOURS ago!”

“Calm down, Silly Sasha!” a little girl’s voice called. “We have a potato right here!” Sasha looked up behind her, and her mouth stretched wide. The Ivory Castle was holding a giant dark-pink potato by some rope, and it was steaming. “We just had to have Cousin Taco cook it.” said an 8-year-old girl with green hair and a white dress.

In a moment, Sasha plopped her rear on the road and shook the town, sitting cross-legged as she feasted on the potato in her arms. Lala decided to land the cloud as the five Storks stood before the Amazon. “Sasha, I’d like you to meet my family! This is my brother Bartie, Virginia, Lola, and Terry.”

“Oh, so these are the vampire kids!” Sasha said through chews before swallowing a piece. “They’re so cute! Hey, my name’s Sasha. You want some of my potato?”

“Your brain is a potato.” Hisoka replied, smooshed against the sole of her boot.

“Stop being a couch potato and get your butt up!” He was approached by the little green-haired girl.

“Whatever you say, Miss Pea.” Hisoka forced his sticky body off the shoe and reformed his dimensions.

“Who’s this little girl?” Terry asked.

“Duh, she’s Commander Cassiopea!” Sasha replied. “’Course, we just call her Pea. She’s our little cutie!”

“I like to collect flowers and make masks!” Pea beamed. “What do you like to do?”

“I like blood.” Lola replied simply.

“Why would they let a kid be a commander?” Terry asked.

“Why would they let kids run a whole organization?” Pea asked with hands on hips. “We children are much smarter than adults, you should know.”

“You bet we are!” Sasha cheered, grabbing Terry and Lola in either hand and raising them high. “KIDS FOREVER! WOOT, WOOT!”

“But you’re an adult.” The twins chorused.

“And hey, don’t worry about that Hisoka creep.” Sasha held them closer to her face and winked. “I’ll straighten him out for ya if he gives you any more trouble.”

“You’re like the best cousin ever!” Lola cheered.

“I hate family gatherings.” Hisoka sighed, walking away as Sasha and the Storks stuck tongues at him. Pea skipped alongside the Carnian.

“Didja get the blood?” Pea asked.

“Yes, it’s right here.” Hisoka held up a vial of blood. “Are you really sure this will be enough?”

“We can always get more blood! Easy-peasy!”

Whole Cake Chateau

“Is it strawberry jam, or somebody’s blood? Can’t say I care either way! The Teeeaaa Party from Heeeell!”

“Ma ma ma maaaaa!” Great Grandma’s Throne Room was always joyful with all her pastries singing in unison. “It’s wonderful being alive again! Before now, I had to rely on my spirit crewmen to give orders to my crew. Now I can finally see all my family, face-to-face! Including you… Augustus, liebling.”

She seemed to hold up a tattered doll by her grinning face, but any normal size being could tell it was a teenager: he was Captain of the Marzipan Pirates, Augustus Fizzuras. The Titan grandma gently petted his little blonde head. “Now, why were you with that Mandy brat when we first met, Augustus? Why were you fighting your family? More importantly, why have you been helping the Slag Pirates attack my crew’s bases for the last three years?”

“Because your insane granddaughter tried to turn Earth into a giant candy cluster! And I didn’t create this planet for you, I created it for ALL pirates!”

“MA MA MA! You were thinking of US when you ventured to New Galaxia, and you played your part PERFECTLY! You, Augustus, who took part in the rebirth of the universe, are living PROOF that the Linlins are immortal! I want you to be the symbol of our family! I mean, why would you abandon us for that amateur Mandy?!”

“I’m not working for Mandy, and I’m only allies with Slag. Otherwise, I’m the captain of my own crew.”

“Oh, that teeny-tiny crew of infants? When will you understand, Augustus, a man who belongs to no empire is nothing. One day, the Linlins will command everything, and you will either cling onto my gown or be snuffed out. I’ll ask one more time: return to my family! Let us catch up after years of separation!”

“All the races come together! A land to be happy, forever and ever~”

“The answer is ‘no,’ Grandma.” Augustus pulled out a lollipop from his collar and began to suck it. “I will leave this planet and return to my crew.”

“Oh, I don’t think so. You’re coming to my party whether you want to or not! Ernesto, Pea!”

Augustus weakly twisted his head around to see a giant Tostarenan walk in, with the little girl riding his sombrero. “Grandma, is that Cousin Augsus?” Pea asked.

“Great, another one?” Augustus sighed, thinking of someone else who mispronounced his name.

“Play the song for him!” Grandma ordered.

“You heard him, Taco!” Pea beamed, pulling out a wooden ocarina.

Do do do, do do do, doodle-doodle do, do do doot doot doooo… do doot doot dooooo…

Pea played a rather fast, fun tone with her ocarina, with Taco dancing and shaking maracas to her rhythm. As music notes flowed out of the maracas, Augustus began to feel heavy, his vision swirling around. The music repeated, and the faces of Taco, Pea, and Grandma’s creepy grin flashed in his eyes, making the captain ever more dizzy. When Augustus finally lost consciousness, his body flashed, and they all watched as a mask fell on the floor before the queen’s feet.

Pea jumped down and walked over to pick up the mask. She smiled at it humorously: the mask resembled Augustus, frowning coolly and had a fake lollipop sticking out. “Ooooo. Cool mask.” Zeus said, looming over the child.

“Her music is so beautiful!” Prometheus beamed. “Kokiri like her always appreciate the classics.”

“Oi, I helped too, amigo!” Taco shouted. “She can do nothing without my musicbending, no? SIN MUSICA!” He danced.

“Keep that mask handy, Pea. We’ll mount it for everyone to see at my Tea Party. Also… did you get the blood?”

“Yes, we did, Gramma.”

“Perfect. Now, we just wait for Lala to do her part. Hopefully without complications.”

“A beautiful show of magic and joy, to make the fairies cryyyyy! Or the witches, theeeey will diiiieeee~”

Elsewhere in the Florae Galaxy; Historia

A world born from the New Big Bang, constructed by the mind of Aisa from Earth KND Sector W7. This world exists in the past: societies and cultures were those that have existed in Earth’s ancient times. For instance, Wano Country has people and buildings that greatly resemble those of Feudal Japan. There is also Shandia, a lush green land where winged Indians known as Shandians make their home. Traditions never die in this world, and time never seems to move forward, although new people are born every generation.

The Galaxian Government is determined to maintain the historical atmosphere of this planet and abide by its rules. Technology is forbidden on this planet, as is modern clothing, and any tech discovered must be destroyed immediately. That includes spaceships. The only exceptions are Intergalactic Travel ships, which will briefly drop tourists off in a designated region before leaving. Once their vacation time is over, the company will return to Historia to pick them up at the same drop-off point. If they are not present, the company will conduct a search for the tourists. The government monitors the atmosphere around Historia in watch of any unauthorized ships entering the planet.

Even if one owns a spaceship, the only legal way to access this planet is by visiting an Intergalactic Travel station at any planet. They will be given clothing that befits the desired region of Historia, while their normal clothes and pieces of tech will be stored safely. If any items are lost, you are promised compensation.

A mouse Mobian had booked a flight with Intergalactic Travel. The travel ship docked at a space station sealed in a glass bubble, and Penelope was led by a squat Mobian owl to the changing rooms. “Here, you can choose from and change into clothing that’s befitting of Historia’s culture.” the owl said in a timid tone. “We’ll keep your personal items safe and secure. Any form of candy, sweets, or junk food won’t be allowed on the planet either, so if you have any, eat it up. We’ll exchange your currency with that of the intended destination. And, uh… that’s about it.”

“Much obliged.” Penelope said nonchalantly.

With preparations complete, she rode the travel vessel to the planet. The ship descended from the starry sky, unseen by any denizens of Wano Country. The ship landed on an open patch of ground within a sakura forest as Penelope disembarked, observing the cherry forest in awe. “You’ll reach Kawa Town if you just follow this road.” instructed the owl. “I’d help escort you, but I gotta get this ship back to base. Please be careful, and don’t lose your lanterns.”

“Worry about yourself first.”

Penelope patiently crossed the forest path. Once at the edge of it, a valley was splayed with a town across the river. “An inn, right?” Penelope repeated to herself. With a whiff of her nose, she picked up a filthy scent from the river. “It really is polluted…”

She crossed a bridge over the river and arrived at Kawa Town. Few people were out at night, but those that were possessed sickly, morbid auras. The gatekeeper, an obese man sitting on a crate, looked up when the group approached. “Thine look informs me that thou art visitor from beyond yonder stars.”

“Yonder book thou read me.” Penelope spoke the best Japanese she could. “Need place to stayeth.”

“Thou shouldst seek shelter in yonder inn.” The man pointed at the designated building. “Alas, thou may not awaken to a pleasant breakfast. All fair townsfolk have long abandoned this region. Only a choice stubborn few remain. This includes the innkeeper and his granddaughter.”

“It’s because of the poison river, right?”

“Verily. We hath sent hunters and swordsmen upstream to determine the cause. Some returned injured, some hath not returned.”

“Poor planet.”

The inn was run-down and looked rather uncomfortable. When she entered the lobby, she found a long-nosed man at the bedside of an 8-year-old girl with a washcloth over her forehead. The man turned to Penelope with a raised brow. “What strange guest doth make her acquaintanceship?”

“I’ve been sent here… to find someone.”

“Huh? Whom doth thou speak of?”

Penelope stared at the bedridden child. She felt pity as the kid breathed hoarsely, coughing every moment. “That kid is sick from the river, right? Why haven’t you left the village?”

“Alas, O-Tama’s stubbornness is too great for mine own strength. Months ago, we were visited by another outworlder. Our meeting took place in yonder woods, and O-Tama’s heart was vexed by his charisma. After tainting my child with stories of beyond the stars, he taketh his leave, leaving only the promise he wouldst return. Along with magic cube which containeth mountains of sweets.”

“Wilt O-Tama ever see thee again, August’n?” O-Tama asked the man with teary eyes.

“I promise you will, Tama!” the teenager replied with a cool smile, pulling out his lollipop. “And next time, I’m gonna sneak you off this planet! All that candy I just gave you is gonna look like cheap junk from the grocery store in comparison.”

“It actually IS from the grocery store.” Rallo replied.

Penelope took note of the Infi-Cube on the nightstand. “He was actually able to bring an Infi-Cube to this planet? And it’s full of candy?”

“My duties entice me to dispose of it, but I canst not see my young one in tears. Alas, ’tis due to her love that she refuseth to leave!”

“Well… maybe I can help with that.”

“What dost thou mean?”

Penelope approached the child. “O-Tama, right? I’ve been sent here… by Augustus’s crewmen.”

“Huh?!” the man gasped. “Thou art… acquainted with that man?!”

“A…A…August’n…” Tama coughed. “Hast August’n… returneth?”

“August’n has been captured. Captured by a band of evil pirates. And he needs you… to save him.”

Much later

A report was sent to the Galactic Forces from Superbia, claiming that a Kremling base had been established on a certain coastline. After some investigating, the soldiers received special permission to land on the planet and destroy every trace of technology in the base. Unfortunately, the Kremlings caught wind of the attack, so Flying Krocks were sent to combat the ships, giving the Kremlings enough time to clear out the base’s contents, load them onto ships, and flee.

What the soldiers didn’t realize was this invasion provided the perfect cover for the Slag Pirates to make landing. They raided a near-abandoned village built on a poisoned river as the twin Rusty Petes carried a purple-haired Japanese girl onto their ship. “CEASE! BACK HERE, thou metal monsters!” bellowed an obese, long-nosed man. “What dost thou wish with O-Tama?!”

“This is official pirate business, mate!” Pete 1 stated.

“No worries, we’ll have her back in a month or two!” Pete 2 assured.

The kidnapped girl in question, O-Tama, was wrapped up in a blanket and breathing heavily. As the ship was leaving the atmosphere, the Petes gave Tama some medicine. “Curse those crocodiles, poisonin’ a girl with modern chemicals on an undeveloped planet. It’s the worst, I tells ya!”

They were approached by Stewie Griffin, the infant scientist for the Marzipan Pirates. “Tama, do you remember me? I’m one of Augustus’s crewmen.”

“Augu…August’n?” Tama cracked open her eyes, forming a heartfelt smile.

“Augustus has been captured by Big Mom, and according to Maggie, he’s been transformed into a mask. Do you still have the Infi-Cube he gave you?”

“August’n’s magic cube? Hai!” The child quickly withdrew the cube from the blanket. “I finished all of August’n’s sweets! All I have is his sword and his ocarina.” She pulled a wooden ocarina from the cube.

“Yes!” Stewie beamed. “We need that! Tama, you’re the only one we know that can play a Fairy Ocarina. Augustus really needs your help. I know that you’re still sick, but once you’re better-”

“HOI!” It took no more motivation for Tama to jump out of her covers and land on her feet. She was wearing a green robe with several patches and an orange sash. “O-Tama is ready to see the outside worlds! She will prove to August’n that she is a worthy pirate! Watch out, August’n, I’m coming to save you!” She formed a hand signal (in the shape of an “A”) as her expression beamed with pride.

“Belay that, ye chipper Tanuki!” Captain Slag ordered. “We’ll not be makin’ a move, yet. On the day of Pirate Summit, when the Four Emperors leave their posts, will be our best chance to move.”

“O-Tama wants to save August’n now!” The 8-year-old began pounding on Slag’s belly, her little fists doing nothing.

“Ye’ll be sharin’ a cell with him, impatient you are.” Slag used his hook to lift her by the collar. “It’ll take some hella bargainin’ with Big Mom to save ya. And I’m nay about to bow down to the Emperors, mark me words! Now, off to the playpen with ye.”

“Hoh!” When Slag tried to throw her, Tama slipped off the hook and got behind the bulky robot. Slag tried to turn and grab her, feeling tiny whacks from her stick, and when he succeeded in grabbing her, the Shadow Clone poofed, and three Tamas ran from him, giggling “Tehehehehehe!”

“Argh! Help me, Petes, I’m not runnin’ a daycare!” Slag jogged after one of the clones, but stopped when one bounced off his head.

“Sigh, I hope you’re right about this one, Augustus.” Stewie said. “The cavegirl and the giant croc were annoying enough…”

Chapter Text

Lost within a sea of dense fog lie Shipwreck Island. There stood Shipwreck Cove, a holy sanctuary for all pirates across the universe. Some made home in the Town of Shipwreck and bought from Shipwreck Shop, which wove Shipwreck Shoes and served Shipwreck Sundaes. And true to its name, every building was built from the remains of any and all remains of ruined vessels.

Hundreds of ships sailed to the sanctuary from five directions. The Kremlings’ flagship, the Gangplank Galleon, led the Snowmads, the Sharpclaw, the Mogekos, the White Fang, and their Kommanders into the island. The Big Moms’ Queen Mama Chanter sailed forth with all her Sweet Commanders at the ready, their ships reeking with sweet scents that made the others’ mouths water. The Santa Hylia, vessel of the Sky Gods, descended with the White Lotus, Star Knights, Dice Pirates, and Serket Pirates. The Boogey Coast led the demonic hordes of Cortez, the League of Assassins, Yiga, and the Anti-Fairies. And lastly, the Young Noah carried the Queen of Space and her faithful operatives.

News of this parley quickly reached the ears of the Pirate Lords. Romulus Slag, James Hook, Flavio, and the six others were entitled to witness this legendary meeting. The pirates had not gathered like this for 200 years. But there was no greater way to celebrate the New Universe.

The center of Shipwreck Cove was a massive auditorium, the center of which contained a stage with a giant cosmic map. Queen Sherry smashed her rotund rear on the floor below the stage, so her head was partly level. King K. Rool crushed his seat, Mandy fit perfectly in hers, Skaios’ head was below the table, and Nebula politely took her seat. Beside them were their respective advisers (Goomnut, Creeper, Klammy, Nagisa, and Sheila). Many of their crewmen occupied the hundreds of stands, with the Commanders taking the closest spots, each of them feasting on their own refreshments.

All the underling ships were docked outside of the island, keeping sharp focus on one-another whilst also watching the meeting on TVs. With sheer caution and quietness, a little girl had climbed out the window of one of Slag’s ships. Making a hand sign, O-Tama channeled chi to her feet as she very slowly walked across the surface of the water. Sweat trickled down her face as her heart raced with anxiety. If she broke her concentration, she would splash, and the plan will fail, or if she were to be spotted in general. She forced herself to remain as focused as possible. She had to maneuver around several ships to reach her target. This was already her first and most dangerous mission after leaving her planet, and she felt far too young for this, but her heart was already set on this.

She was able to reach a Big Mom ship with a bean design. Quietly, she climbed the side of the ship, peeped into the cannon window to confirm no one was there, and crept inside. The crewmen were occupied in watching the meeting. O-Tama was able to sneak down into the storage room. “Phew. Don’t worry, August’n. O-Tama is coming to save you.”

Grumbllllle. Her belly ached. “Mmmmnn… O-Tama promised she wouldn’t eat… until she had more of August’n’s candy. Hooohh… so hungry…” She noticed that a whitish tomato was on the floor, having fallen from a box. “Maybe… just one…” She picked it up and took one bite. “Ulp! This is… terrible…” The taste made her even more sick. “But O-Tama… already started. She must… finish her food…” Very slowly, she began to eat more of the disgusting fruit.

Sweetopia; the Noodle Sea

The Noodle Sea was among the hottest and murkiest in the world, filled entirely of piping hot soup. Many ships secured a shore where a mansion was built. Vegetation was highly abundant: there were dozens of gardens around the mansion, and plants were overgrowing on its walls.

An 8-year-old girl with green hair and white dress was on a balcony, which had four chocolate statues resembling her. She was the owner of this mansion, Minister of Beans, Commander Pea. Being a Kokiri, she seemed a lot younger than her true age. She watched as three orange men with green hair approached her, handing Pea a mask of a sunglasses boy with a lollipop stick in his frowning mouth. “The mask of Augustus as you requested, Lady Pea.”

“Good work, Grunka-Lunkas.” Pea replied cutely. “I so very missed snuggling with Big Bro Augustus.” She hugged the mask softly. “This war has got me very worried, you know? But I’ll feel better knowing you’re by my side.” She faced the Lunkas with a slightly serious expression. “I’m going to bed now. Make sure you’ve all finished your chores. I don’t want to wake up in a messy mansion. Or else no breakfast for you. Good night!” With that, she entered the double-doors to her room.

The Grunka-Lunkas exchanged angered glances, then faced the statues of Pea. They began to dance and sing in unison. “Grunka-Lunka dunkety doo. We are sick and tired of you.” They pointed at the statues. “Grunka-Lunka dunkety drat. You are the bossiest, snottiest brat.” They kicked the statues.

“You have us all working from dawn until dusk.”

“We sweat so hard that we shed off the husk.”

“One of our guys fell dead in the stew.”

“We ate him up, but served none for you.”

“So, go piss off and shut the hell up! Grunka-Lunka Dunka dunkety dup!”

“ARE YOU THREE SINGING?!” Frightened, the Lunkas zipped off to their tasks.

The ship that O-Tama snuck onto at Shipwreck Cove had fortunately docked at the shore’s harbor. Her hand signal steady, Tama walked across the sea’s surface and entered a sewer pipe within a cliff. She eventually stopped to rest under a hatch before setting an Infi-Cube on the floor. The Deadly Baby Trio jumped out of the cube. “Ugh, Augustus better pay us a boatload.” Stewie scoffed, repulsed by the soupy stench. He climbed out of the hatch and sent a small helicopter with a camera up to zoom in on the mansion. “Well done, Tama. You’ve successfully brought us to our destination. And just as we expected, Augustus is here.” They watched a digital recording of Pea hugging the mask.

“Where’s August’n? O-Tama canst not see.”

“That mask she’s holding. That girl is Pea, one of the Sweet Commanders. She may look small, but she’s incredibly strong. Back when we were in the crew, she would turn some of the prisoners into masks with her magic. That song Augustus taught you is capable of changing him back. We need you to sneak into that mansion and retrieve him. You also need to swap his mask with this identical copy.” Stewie handed her a mask. “It won’t fool her for long, but by then, it’ll be too late. If you get hungry, there’s plenty of food around there.”

“O-Tama will not eat!” The young ninja vowed. “O-Tama will only eat whatever August’n feeds her!”

“You better have a ton o’ kisses to give him!” Rallo teased, reaching up to pinch Tama’s cheek. “If ya know what Ah mean.” Suddenly, the cheek popped off. “WAAAAH! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-!!”

“What the deuce?!” Stewie took the round-shaped “cheek” from his hand. He lightly pinched it, and noticed Tama’s cheek was still intact. “This isn’t flesh, it’s…” He took a tiny bite of it. “It’s good.”

“Oh? …” Curious, the girl grasped her right cheek and pulled out another ball. “It’s kibi dango! O-Tama didn’t know her cheek grew dango.”

“Mw-mw-mw?” Maggie asked.

“You’re right, Maggie!” Stewie remembered. “Tama did eat something on the ship. It must’ve been a Devil Fruit that had yet to be given to a crewman.”

“Akuma no Mi?” Tama cocked her head.

“We’ll explain later, but it might be best not to pinch yourself, and don’t fall into any water. You have to rescue Augustus while Pea is asleep, and make absolutely sure you’re not discovered. If you have to knock someone out, hide the body. We have Nel on standby in case something goes wrong, but right now, we can’t risk alerting one of the strongest crewmen to our presence. Good luck, Tama.”

“Hai.” With an adorably serious nod, O-Tama climbed the ladder and approached the mansion. (Play “Haunted Towers” from Luigi: Dark Moon.)

Stage 7: Jades Manor

Mission: Rescue August’n and be fed candies!

Two Deku were guarding the mansion gates. Tama simply needed to crawl through the corn garden and approach the wall, which had spikes on top. She thought she was skinny enough to slip through the gate bars, but to distract the Deku, she whipped her bamboo stick and knocked over some corn stalks. The Deku heard the rustling and came in to investigate. By that time, Tama’s Shadow Clone poofed away, and the real Tama squeezed through the gate. There were Deku patrolling more tall garden crops, so Tama crawled behind some trashcans.

“Well, you’re past the gate, but I assume the front entrance is locked.”

“YEEK!” Tama looked around in panic. “What is this voice in my ear?! It’s so close, yet O-Tama sees no one!”

“Tama, it’s me, Stewie, calm down! This is the earpiece I stuck in your ear. It’s also designed to translate our languages, that’s how we’ve been talking to you.”

“Stew’n? How didst thou get in my ear?”

“Just look at the watch on your arm. It’ll display a digital map of the area. The white dot is you, red ones are guards. However, staring at the screen too long will hurt your eyes, since your world isn’t adjusted to this technology.”

Tama tapped the watch and was awed by the holo-screen that appeared. “Oooo! What sorcery!” Tama snuck between one of the paths between crops (which had barbed wire to prevent her from cutting through), keeping watch on the radar to avoid the Deku guards. She made it to a tall, wooden fence and could crawl under a small opening.

There were no other guards in this section, but a Deku was perched on a pillar and constantly rotating as it sprinkled the candy flowers with its nose. To hide from it, Tama had to lay on the grass and use a Cloak Jutsu, unseen by the gardener, then she moved again when she was out of the line of sight. “Don’t step on the flowers, Tama. He’ll know.” With that in mind, the ninja had to follow a maze-like path around the flowers. She stepped around the puddles, knowing the splashes would attract its attention, and reached the door to the next garden.

There were three small steps leading to a narrow wood board. Beneath that board was a soil patch that Minish were raking. There were hundreds of the tiny gardeners, and they would likely swarm Tama if just one of them looked up. The ninja took off her sandals and very quietly tip-toed over the board. Amazingly, all the Minish were deeply focused on their work, not one bothering to face up. She stepped down the opposite side and entered the next garden.

This garden had bushes of gum berries, and a tall Bubble Plant was blowing a large gum in and out. Piantas (chubby colored humanoids with hula skirts) were picking berries and tossing them in baskets on their backs. “Tama, I see an open window in the mansion on your left. No one is in there. You can use the bubble from that flower to float up there.”

“Ah see a chest there, too, get us some gold!” Rallo said.

Tama crawled around the bushes to hide from the Piantas, using Cloak Jutsu whenever they walked her direction. A Pianta was marching around the chest in the corner, stopping to water bushes at certain parts. Tama cracked open the chest and sucked the treasure into the ‘magic cube’ during one of these moments. Afterward, she made her way to the Bubble Plant and picked the gun off its mouth. Luckily, it blew a new gum, so the Piantas would never know. “Okay, put the gum in your mouth and start chewing.”

“O-Tama is a disciplined ninja! She will not eat!” she whisper-shouted.

“You’re not going to swallow, just chew it and blow!”

“Food that is not meant to be swallowed? How confusing!” She did as ordered and, after waiting for the guards to look away, she blew the gum to a large size and let it carry her. She willed her body to float toward the open window and sucked the gum in to land inside. She was in a dark storeroom with some clothes hangers and boxes, but just as Tama approached the door, a pink-haired Twili girl entered.

“I wonder if Nati is hiding in here-soup.” asked Soup, the 6-year-old skimming the room with her glowy eyes. Tama had already jumped behind a box and cloaked herself. She could barely hear Soup’s bare footsteps as she studied the room. “Is it too dark in here, Spoon? I guess Nati isn’t here. Let’s go-soup~” With that, she left the room.

Tama listened until her steps were out of earshot. She then slipped out of the room. The hallway had soil and plants running through the middle, and the heads of some of the large sunflowers were turning left and right. To stay out of sight of the Floro Sapiens, Tama had to climb to some shelves higher up. There was a table with a flower vase, which Tama took down. “Kage no Jutsu!” Two clones of herself poofed into being, and they took turns climbing on the table as they formed a stack. The real Tama on top could climb to the shelves, and one of her clones put the vase back before poofing.

She tiptoed as lightly as possible and stepped over planted pots on the shelf. She got to a vent and made a Shadow Clone to help her pull it open. Tama crawled in and allowed it to guide her, turning a right corner before finding a vertical segment. She formed a Shadow Clone stack to climb up. She found an exit to the vent, only to realize a Pianta was standing directly over it. She crawled back and followed a left route, only to encounter a mouse. _{“Squeakity-squeakity-squeak!”}

“Shhh! Go away, Mausu!” Tama waved her hand forcefully, but the rodent insisted on sniffing her face. “Thou wilt reveal O-Tama’s presence! Hither, a treat.” She picked a little piece of dango off her cheek and fed the mouse. The mouse squeaked in joy and began to nuzzle her. “Go back!” The mouse stepped backward obediently. “Hmm… Roll for O-Tama.” It rolled.

“Intriguing. It seems whatever Devil Fruit that was is designed to earn the loyalty of animals. Perhaps they planned to use it against the Kremlings. Tama, see if you can make it distract the guard.”

“Okay, Mausu. Distract!” The mouse ran out of the exit of the vent.

“Aha! I knew I heard a rat!” The Pianta chased it toward the right behind some plant tables, whilst Tama exited the door to the left. This room had a garden of large tomatoes, all of which faced Tama with scowling faces. Whenever Tama walked near one, it would lunge out and try to bite her. Tama used clones to run in the garden and distract the hungry tomatoes, leaving her to race to the exit.

She was above the rafters in this new room, Killer Tomatoes perched on some parts. Tama stepped forward until a tomato blocked her, so she turned on a left board. She could not advance due to broken boards, but another mouse was across one, so Tama tossed a dango to it. When it fell under her spell, she ordered it to go around and distract the tomato. The fruit lunged at the mouse, giving Tama the chance to get past its starting point and cross an alternate board. Hanging water cans were sprinkling the boards, making those spots slippery as Tama took long-steps across. She used the mouse to distract other tomatoes and reach a window on the other side.

Tama cracked the window open and slipped out, sidling along the mansion’s gutter. Heli-Deku were using flower propellers to float left and right, shining lights from their noses. This was meant to give light to the large berries under the gutter, but Tama had to Cloak Jutsu lest they spotted her. She used a Clone Stack to go up a vertical segment of the gutter, followed by a more diagonal segment. Tama once again had to stay still and cloak, but if she remained still too long, she would lose balance on the slope. Eventually, Tama could climb to a ledge with railing: the balcony where Pea’s room rested.

Looking both ways, the ninja crossed the balcony and tried to open the door, but it was locked. “Stew’n, a magic spell is sealing yonder door!”

“Check those statues for a spare key. One of them might have a hidden compartment.”

Tama climbed the first Pea statue and tried to open some parts of it, but nothing. She went to the second one and searched it—the leg broke and it fell, the head snapping and rolling off. “Eeek! O-Tama broke it! Oh?” Something shiny stuck out of the neck. She picked it out.

“Yes, that must be a spare key! But if you leave that statue lying around, a guard is bound to discover it.”

“P-Please, Boss, I don’t wanna go in there!” a voice yelled.

“Well, I’m not going to bed without my classic Princess Toadstool doll!” a whiny voice replied.

Panicking, O-Tama pushed the statue’s remains over behind a vase. She then ran onto the pedestal and used a Transform Jutsu to become a bronze (chocolate) Pea statue. Pilaf, a blue goblin boy in pajamas, pushed a Mobian jester dog onto the balcony. “Just take the key from the statue, sneak in there, and find my doll.”

“B-But we aren’t allowed to disturb Minister Pea’s sleep, Boss. O-Or we’re gonna get masked.”

“Please, ever since she captured Cousin Augustus, she’s been sleeping like a baby. You’ll be perfectly fine, Shu.”

“Oh, Emperor Pilaf?” An old woman in a Russian coat named Mai approached him with a Peach doll. “I found your toy on the wardrobe. I believe one of the others must have put it there.”

“They what?!” Pilaf snatched the doll back. “Who dares lay hands on my prized Toadstool?! Oh, I bet it was Corlan. I never should have trusted you, Corlan! GRUNKA-LUNKAS! Find Corlan and bring him to me DEAD OR ALIVE!”

“Not so loud, Boss!” Shu hushed. “You’re gonna wake Pea up.”

“He’s right, let’s return to your room.” Mai suggested. “You can punish Corlan after a good night’s rest.”

“Sigh, very well.” They began to leave. “Oh, and speaking of which, when is the Awakening Serum supposed to get here?”

“By tomorrow morning, Sir.”

“Ooo, I can’t wait to see how powerful I become!” (Play “Dodo’s Coming” from Mario RPG.)

Now that they were gone, Tama poofed back to normal and sighed in relief. However, she heard footsteps and became a statue again. Three Grunka-Lunkas marched in in a huff. Whoever ordered them here was gone, so only these dumb statues remained. They could do naught but vent their frustration on them.

The three each picked a statue and marched to it (luckily, none of them were Tama), beginning to chant. “Grunka-Lunka doppity dob. We couldn’t ask for a dumber job.” They kicked the statues. They swapped around as one was near Tama. “Grunka-Lunka pottilianta.” They kicked, but Tama used Substitution to swap with the lone statue—in the brief second they blinked, they didn’t notice. “We hate takin’ crap from those stupid Piantas.” Kick, swap.

“We work and we work right down to the bone!” Kick, Tama swapped! “You sleep with your dolls, but we yawn and groan.” Tama thought she was safe, but one of the Lunkas suddenly ran to her, and she swapped at the last second before the kick! “How would you like it if you were a slave?” The Lunkas threw apples that bounced off—Tama swapped, but one of the apples ricocheted back to her, bonking her head. She barely had a second to change back into a statue before they noticed. “Perhaps maybe then you WOULD,” Kick, swap, “BE,” kick, swap, “HAVE?” Kick, swap—a Lunka threw a second kick at her, but she swapped.

“Grunka-Lunka lickity lung.” Kick, swap. “We’ll take your hide and give it a wrung.” Fakeout-kick, she stopped herself just in time. “Then we’ll live in happiness, too.” They danced circles around the statues, giving no indication which one they’d hit. “Grunka-Lunka-Wunka dunkity-doo!” They finally kicked, and Tama swapped with the lone one just in time.

The Grunka-Lunkas ran out, giving Tama a moment to catch her breath. !! One of them came back—she became a statue, and remained perfectly still even as his foot met with her leg. “Dunkity-doo~” Then he left. (End song.)

Tama poofed to normal and dropped on her rear as she grasped that leg. “Hoooh… O-Tama’s legs feel like dango. But she’s almost thither…” She withstood the pain and limped toward Pea’s room, unlocking it.

Her room had a large dollhouse, a pile of stuffed animals, and a queen-sized bed. It seemed too large for the little Kokiri child, who slept blissfully with her Augustus mask in her arms. A music box played a gentle lullaby. She made little snores and her hold on the mask was loose. With the carpeted floor to mask her steps, Tama tiptoed-over—a loose board creaked beneath her. “GROOOWL!” Pea’s head briefly swelled up to the form of a sphinx, but it shrunk back to a human head and she slept. “Nnnnrrr… I’m thinking of… a man who’s always happy… yet is always boiling. Who is he…?”

She must be talking in her sleep. Tama tried to creep forward, but a force held her back. “Nani?! Stew’n, explain this sorcery.”

“Blast! Pea’s Devil Fruit allows her to make barriers around her that can only be opened by solving her riddles. A happy man who’s always boiling… it must be her uncle, Ernesto Taco.”

Tama responded with this. The barrier disappeared. She crawled under the bed and peeped up from behind Pea. Tama pulled out her fake mask and slowly reached for Augustus’s mask. She froze when Pea rolled on her back, arms spread to either side. Drool leaked from her little mouth. If Pea felt the drool, she might wake up to wipe it off, so Tama politely wiped it with her sleeve. With that, she slipped the Augustus mask out of her hand, at the same time placing the fake in its place.

Tama crawled under the bed and crept toward the exit. Creak—“GROOOWL!” Pea morphed into a sphinx for a brief instant before hugging her fake mask. “Nyah… I’m thinking of a fluffy ball with a peanut inside.” The barrier prevented Tama from leaving.

“A fluffy ball with a peanut?” Rallo asked. “Don’t sound very appetizin’.”

“Is…Is she talking about YOU, Rallo?!” Stewie asked.

“WHAT?! No way she knows about mah peanut head! Augustus swore he’d never… That son of a bitch.”

“Rallo’n?” Pea responded in confusion. The answer was correct. Tama exited the room and locked it.

“Excellent, you’ve secured the captain. Now for a quick way out of there. Climb those banners to get onto the roof and use the glider we supplied you.” The child obeyed and climbed the nearby banner which displayed the Big Mom Jolly Roger. Once atop the roof, Tama found a Big Mom flagpole in one of the corners. She grabbed the top of the pole with a Clone Stack, propped herself upside-down, and pushed off the pole as she opened a glider on her staff. She quietly glided through the darkness, going beyond the mansion gates, and would set foot on the ground beside the sewer.

Tama climbed down to reunite with her crew, placing the mask of their captain on the floor. Tama pulled out a wooden ocarina and played a gentle song. Doo-doo-doooo, doo-doo-doooo, doo-doo, do-do-doooooo… The Fairy Ocarina turned the notes of the Song of Healing into power. Augustus’s mask shone with light, vanishing in a flash that forced the youths to seal their eyes. When they reopened—“Aaah!” their 18-year-old captain, in full flesh and blood, fell into the sewer.

“August’n! O-Tama will save thee!” She jumped in and immediately began sinking. “August’n! Save O-Tama!”

Within a moment, Augustus recomposed himself and pulled Tama to land, both of them coughing filthy soup out of their lungs. “Huff… and I haven’t even finished my lollipop.” The boy smiled coolly and withdrew the candy he had been sucking since before he was masked. He withdrew another one, unwrapped it, “For you, Tama,” and stuck it in her mouth. “You did splendid on your first mission.”

Tama smiled from the sweet taste in her mouth, her tongue dancing with the lolli. “O-Tama’s so happy to see thee, August’n.” She gave his legs a hug. “Oh! O-Tama hast gift for thou, too.” She picked a dango off her cheek.

“What the—?! Since when can you do that?”

“She might’ve accidentally eaten a Devil Fruit.” Rallo answered.

“You idiots let a Historian eat a Devil Fruit?! You realize how much trouble we’re gonna get in? This is like… gonna change history or something!”

“You wanted to take her off her planet in the first place!” Stewie argued.

“Tama, I’m officially promoting you to Junior Babysitter.” He ruffled her violet hair. “’Cause these twerps just can’t do everything on their own.” He then ate the dango. “Hmm… not bad. So, based on what I’ve been overhearing, we’re in a Pirate War.”

“Yes, we’re signed in under Captain Slag’s name. We don’t stand a chance in Hell of winning unless we side with one of the Emperors. Fortunately, the Kids Next Door owe us a favor for saving their Moonbase.”

“Y’know, it’s time like these I bet they could really use my intel on the crew.” Augustus smirked. “Let’s try to find them, shall we? I’m sure there’s ops causing trouble somewhere on the planet.”

Sweetopia; Cheesebilly Valley

At 8:00a.m., Augustus kept himself awake by drinking V8. O-Tama was asleep on his lap and the Baby Trio had conked out in the trunk of the Patty Wagon. Augustus glanced down at the gas meter and saw the “M” was on “E”. “We’re low on mustard. ’Guess we’ll have to make a pit stop.”

He pulled up to a condiment station, where two Fishman hillbillies were asleep on rocking chairs. They woke up at hearing the Patty Wagon park by one of their tanks. “Howdy, fellas! Just here for a quick refill.” Augustus greeted.

“Well, what’ll it be, pardner? Gas or oil?” Floyd asked. The Fishman slapped his knee, and both fish laughed like, “HYEEEEEEEEH hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!”

“Heh heh heh! What am I, some Earthling?” Augustus chuckled. Their laughing woke up Tama and the others, peeping over the car with tired eyes.

“Hey, what’re them little’uns doin’ in yer car? You takin’ ’em to the theme park or the serving table?”

“Ah’ll take mine with no lemon!” Lloyd followed. “HYEEEEEEEEH hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!”

“Heh heh! Well, I could only afford the small car, so I had to put ’em somewhere.”

“Hyuk, you use them sunglasses to hide your REAL glasses?” Floyd asked.

“He ain’t gonna impress no girls dressin’ like a wanted criminal.” Lloyd inputted. “Look at him acting like Augustus just ta score a date with some rebel chick.”

“Hyuk, yeah! …Hey, wait a minute, Lloyd.” Floyd looked at the wanted poster on their wall behind them. “What if that IS Augustus?”

“If he is, then I gotta question for ’im: are them boots compensating for something?! HYEEEEEEEEH hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk—!” They were suddenly zapped by a ray and shrunk down.

“A joke stops being funny the first time.” Stewie said, holding the ray gun.

“Oooo! Big fishies are little fishies?” Tama asked.

“Watch what you eat, Tama. Let’s go.” Augustus started up the car again and drove off.

A few minutes later, the Fishmen watched as Carol drove by on her 2D car. _{“Well, I thought we were behind the times, Floyd! That girl is 20 consoles behind! HYEEEEEEEEH hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!”}

Little did they know that a tiny, elderly Minish woman watched the scene unfold. “Sweet tarnation! Ah can’t believe Ah was right under that convict’s nose and lived! Ah better send an anonymous tip to the authorities.” She grabbed a phone and dialed. “Hello? Yes, this is Granny Smith. Ah just witnessed a crime at the condiment station! Yes, you can send the reward money to 0654…”

“Hyeeeeeehhh hoo!” The cries of Cheesebillies echoed in the distance, Augustus looking left in worry. County officials were galloping their way on horses, slinging guns at the sky. “Crap, someone must’ve hit the alarm! You shoulda let them finish their joke, Stewie!”

“At least there’s plenty of space out here.” Stewie argued, shooting at the billies. “There must be some place to hide.”

“What we need to do is find a ship off this rock. We should be able to steal one of the UFOs in the valley; the Cheesebillies use them to haul cows to milking plants. ” (Play “Sandwich Driving 101” from the Spongebob Movie!)

Stage 17: Cheesebilly Valley

Mission: Escape from the authorities!

Augustus swerved left and right to evade the guns of the Cheesefolk, Stewie shooting them down with missiles. The road sloped down into a gorge, Augustus swerving right, then left, but the Patty Wagon became slippery when it drove over a puddle of ketchup. He spun the wagon around a bit to shake the ketchup off, making driving around some pits in the road much easier. A police car was in pursuit, launching cheese turtle shells at the escapees. Rallo could blow them back at the car with his boombox until the car spun around and crashed.

“Uh-oh. I see a roadblock.” Augustus said, driving left and going down a slope, hiding from the cops under a small gorge.

“Captain, my scanner is detecting a Bounce Gum a short distance over the field.” Stewie alerted. “But there are Cheesebillies around it.”

“Tama, let me see you in action! Snatch me that Bounce Gum.”

“Hai!” O-Tama climbed out of the gorge and crept up to a rock, peeping around it to see a Cheesebilly cop waddling around a cactus. She snuck up and tip-toed close behind him until another cactus appeared in her view, rushing to that. A cop was behind the cactus, facing it, and the previous cop was making the loop. To hide from him, Tama used Cloak Jutsu. The circling cop faced away, and the staring cop yawned, giving Tama the chance to sneak over and- “Kage no Jutsu!” she whacked the cop in the knee with her staff, her clone leapt up and bashed his head, knocking him down, and the third Tama put her staff over his neck from behind, all three hauling him back and slamming him against the ground.

Tama climbed onto a platform just below a ledge, but two Cheesebillies with guns were watching it on rocking chairs. “Hey, Paul! Why did the Kateenian woman sleep with the Nacho?!”

“Why, Carl?”

“She thought it was her husband! HYEEEEEEH hyuk hyuk!” They laughed up a storm at the joke. Tama quietly crawled between them, not wanting to interrupt their good time. She saw the bushel of Bounce Gum, guarded by scorpions. They saw Tama and desired to stab her feet, but she twirled her bamboo and jabbed each scorpion, KOing them. She took a piece of gum and snuck her way back to the Patty Wagon.

“Thank you, Tama. You’ll be happy to know this car is designed to use Candy Powers, too!” Augustus inserted the gum into a slot. Gum inflated from the tires of the wagon as it bounced toward the roadblock.

“Catch ’em, you doodle-nuts!” yelled the captain as the cops drove toward the giant burger, only to be smashed under its bounce. “Gadzooks, the Cowlipha will have our bunions for this!” Now over the roadblock, the wagon continued bouncing along. Augustus saw a treasure chest hovering in the air and used the last of their bounce to retrieve it. The wagon was grounded as they continued over the desert. The road was mostly buried under cheese, not that it mattered to these free pirates. Large cheese wheels rolled across the desert, Augustus slowing down to avoid hitting some. The wheels each had a slice in them, and Augustus noticed a small cage inside a slice. That cage held a Kateenian operative, so he drove by and snatched it.

“Phew, thanks, human! The pirates thought it’d be funny to roll me in that thing.”

“Touching story. You can be Maggie’s.” He handed the alien to the baby sniper. The crew reached a cliff above the ocean, following a road that swerved around the cliffside. Milkling Flingers floated on inner-tubes from below the cliff, blasting the road with milk to make it slippery. Maggie focused on the Milklings and shot their floaties, letting them take the fall. Augustus was forced to drive over the milk, going carefully as it became slippery. They were driving under a natural mountain archway when they arrived at a tall wall, which was actually a drawbridge. They drove up a narrow hill-road on their left, only to park at a dead end.

“Tama, go across that ledge and try to find a switch.” The child nodded and began to sidle along the thin ledge. There were windows in the cliff that Cheesebillies were standing guard at, but Tama could sneak past when they scratched their backs. Tama arrived at a platform with a bush of normal gum. Remembering her earlier use of it, Tama chewed the gum and blew a large bubble that carried her up the cliff. There were cops patrolling left-and-right on platforms, so Tama sucked in the gum to avoid floating in their sight, then blew while they were turned.

“Lookathat, Billy!” There were two more rocking chair Cheesefolk on parallel platforms. “If they keep walkin’ back-and-forth like that, they’re gonna lose a couple dimensions! HYEEEEEH hyuk hyuk!” When they started laughing, Tama floated past. She finally set foot on a platform with a lever and flipped it.

“You did it, Tama! The drawbridge is down, hurry back.” Tama noticed a tunnel and crawled through, finding herself on a path above the drawbridge, and it fortunately led around to where the wagon was parked. However, cop cars showed up and parked on the opposite side, Stewie blasting them with missiles so they could proceed. The road led back into open fields, where farmlands lay in view and cows grazed.

“Check it out, kids! The Pizzaucers!” Augustus pointed to three pizza UFOs beaming up cows. “We need to find a stationary one and commandeer it.”

“You seem to know an awful lot about this planet, Augustus.” Stewie said.

“I’m the one who designed it in the first place. I’m super pissed at the pirates for taking it over, but it’s nice that they’re using my ideas. …But not against me!” He panicked when two Pizzaucers hovered over them and blasted hot sauce on the road ahead. Augustus watched for where the sauce would splash and maneuvered around. “Yowch!” he yelped when they drove through a sauce puddle, which splashed up and burned them.

“Captain, there’s a Pop Gum shack!” Rallo pointed.

“Perfect! Hope they won’t mind~” Augustus drove through the shack and burst out the other end, loading Pop Gum in the candy slot. A small cannon appeared for him to shoot explosive shots at the saucers, taking them out of the sky.

“Darn it, Tintuck, quit spinnin’ that truck! Yer makin’ a stage obstacle of yourself!” Indeed, a tow truck with a diagonal platform was rotating in place. Augustus waited until it faced them and stomped the gas, zooming up the ramp and over a river of hot sauce. He would have to repeat the maneuver to go over a milk river, landing on the main road. To their left, Augustus noticed an optional area where he could go up a truck-ramp onto a road suspended on a platform, where he would time it carefully and go up another truck, then another, and grab a cage holding a chicken Mobian operative.

They drove off the platform and landed on the road, seeing a farmland with a large Pizzaucer floating over it. A line of cows was walking into the traction beam and there was a Big Mom flagpole beside the saucer. “There’s a good one! Tama, send a clone inside to get the jump on them.” The child nodded and formed a Shadow Clone. The clone snuck around from behind the fences, unseen by the farmers as she made it to the cows. Tama crawled underneath a cow and stayed with it en route to the beam.

“Ah say, Mavis, what do you suppose the Milk Plant is like?” a cow asked.

“I just hope Bullivard ain’t there, good Lordy.”

Tama’s cow entered the traction beam, pulling her up with it. She remained under the cow as it was escorted to a pen. When the guard left, she crawled around the others cows and made her way to the pilot, a Tostarenan. “Hey, Conroy, we got trouble! The Cowlipha’s goin’ on a hunger pang. She wants Moon Cheese!”

“I’ll fly by the moon and get some.” The pilot replied. “Keep her busy with-” Tama jumped him and whacked off his hat before bashing him unconscious. The other crewmen shot her, but the clone disappeared. Augustus was already tossing his Gobstopper at the Cheesebillies outside, and the Baby Trio ran into the traction beam to go inside and shoot the other crewmen.

“The ship is captured, Captain!” Stewie called.

“Perfect! You get to swap the flag, Tama.” Augustus carried the girl on his shoulders as they entered the beam. Before setting off, they stepped onto the roof of the saucer and approached the flagpole. Augustus tossed Tama to the top, wherein she swapped the flag with a gold one of Augustus’s skull. (End song.)

“YAAAAAH!” To their misfortune, a giant robot dropped down and PUNCHED the Pizzaucer, flinging the Marzipans off and onto the ground. The ship was left to drop and crash away from the farm. The crew groggily recovered to find a Russian woman aiming a missile gun, a ninja Mobian dog, and a blue goblin child in the robot’s cockpit.

“SO, Cousin Augustus… THIS is where you wound up.”

“Who are…” Augustus didn’t recognize the goblin at first. “Wait a sec, are you Pilaf? That little goblin toddler?”

“Oh, so you remember me. My memory’s a little hazy about you to be honest, but I digress. I don’t know how you were able to change back to normal, but you seriously hurt Pea’s feelings! And SHE hurts my ears! Seriously, she won’t stop whining about it! You’d be surprised how loud she gets.”

“Yeah, Pea’s not as mature as she acts.” Augustus smirked, swapping out a new lollipop. “Stewie, you wanna go Hulk and plough through these pushovers?”

“Only 10 seconds at a time.” Stewie said. The infant’s eyes turned yellow as he morphed into a green, muscular monster. “AAAH!” Pilaf screamed as his robot was tackled and pummeled to shreds as if it were a plastic toy. Stewie grabbed Pilaf out of the cockpit and threw him to Augustus before changing back.

“Eight seconds, not bad!” Augustus grinned at the goblin in his hand. “You’ll make a nice hostage.”

“BOSS, HERE!” Shu threw a syringe with keen precision into Pilaf’s back.

“GYAAAAH!” Pilaf burst with energy as Augustus was blown back a few feet. The others readied their selves for what he might pull. “Darn it, Shu, I told you to rub me with cream first!”

“S-Sorry, Boss! It was a spur of the moment thing!”

“No matter. Raaah, I can already feel the power FLOWING!” exclaimed Pilaf as he ignited with a flaming aura. “Behold, Augustus, Dr. Stu Pickles’ Awakening Serum, designed to heighten the abilities of Devil Fruit users! I can think of no other test for my power than YOU! Age Reduction 14 YEARS!” A bubble of Time Chi expanded from Pilaf.

“Watch out, Shu!” Mai yelled, she and her partner running back.

“YIPE!” O-Tama instinctively leaped back as well. “August’n!”

“AAAAAAHHH!” Enveloped by the bubble, Augustus’s 19-year-old body shrank into that of a 5-year-old, his sunglasses absent, wearing a gray sweatshirt with an airplane, blue shorts, and little white shoes.

“Mwah hah hah! Big Brother Augustus is now a child again! And the rest of you traitorous brats have vanished from… EH?!” Pilaf realized the Baby Trio were unaffected. “Why are you still alive?!”

“I see.” Stewie said. “Your Devil Fruit allows you to regress peoples’ ages. Unfortunately, we look no different than we did 14 years ago.”

“August’n?” Hearing Tama’s voice, Augustus turned—he jumped at how much taller Tama had gotten. “NYEE!” Tama yelped. “Wherefore is August’n so tiny?!”

“Hey Maggie, didn’t Augustus make Tama the Junior Babysitter?” Rallo asked with a smirk.

“Mw-mw.” Maggie winked and gave thumbs-up.

“O-Tama understands.” The ninja replied seriously. “It is her duty to care for August’n as he hath for us! Thou may call me O-Tama-nee, August’n!” She patted his head in a gentle manner.

“No way!” August whined in a kiddish voice. “Stewie, hit me wit’ that way gun and change me back!”

“Okay, sport, but no candy for a week~” Stewie remarked as he got out his Anti-Metahuman Ray and zapped Augustus. Nothing happened. “Hmm… that’s odd.”

“Mwah hah ha! Don’t think we didn’t know about your little toy.” Pilaf proclaimed. “Dr. Pickles specifically designed this serum to be immune to such tricks. Normally, my power has a time limit of 12 hours, but with any hope, you will remain a child indefinitely, forced to grow up all over again! Oh, won’t Pea be delighted to be the older cousin now. Maybe we’ll be able to reeducate you.”

“What if I just beat you up? That use’ally makes these powers go away.”

Pilaf frowned in worry. “U-Uh, th-that’s…”

“Captain! We’re here!” Corlan the Fishboy called; the Marzipans found their selves surrounded by the Kiddie Corn Crew.

“We can’t find August-soup.” Soup the Twili said. “He’s playing Hide-and-Peep.”

“He’s right there, you nitwit!” Pilaf pointed. “Now capture them before they beat me up!”

“ROOHH!” Glonno the giant Glomourian lunged overhead and SMASHED the Marzipans under his girth. “I got them, Boss!” He stood up to reveal the Baby Trio stuck to his belly. “Uoh?”

“Over there, Glonno!” Silla pointed at Tama, who had jumped away with August in her arms. “I’ll get them!” The giant Harnitan dashed at them with wind speed—chains ensnared her arms and legs and restrained her.

“Chains of Judgment!” Pacifica Northwest hauled the giant overhead with her chains and slammed her into the ground. Sarborg the robot was about to boost into her, but was frozen by Weiss’s ice. “CHUUUU!” Raleigh’s Pichu zapped lightning at Soup.

“This place is a haven for Pichu!” Raleigh said. “All this cheese helped him recover in a heartbeat!”

“Don’t they teach you to play nice on the playground?!” Carol declared, using Game-and-Watch to attack Jonny the Legoan. Ciel and Mai were shooting guns at each other, the earl nimbly dodging and hitting his target.

“Who-a you guys?” Augustus asked.

“We’re Sector Dollar—I mean, the Luxury Pirates!” Carol winked. “I’m the captain, ‘Rich Wits’ Carol!”

“Carol… Wait, you’re that rich girl from the Raccoon Pirates!”

“Wait, you know m-… EEEK!” Carol realized who this kid was. “Augustus?! Is that you?!”

“That brat made me little with his power!”

“Tehehehe!” she giggled. “Well, it serves you right for being a bully the first time~”

“I’m still stronger than you!” Augustus hardened his hand and punched her in the gut.

“Oof, kueh!” Carol coughed and clenched her stomach. “Oh, I am so telling your parents.”

“I refuse to be beaten here!” Pilaf yelled, mustering his chi once more. “I’m going to turn you ALL into little babies! You will crawl and CRY before the great Emperor Pilaf!”

“MOOOOOOON CHEEEEEEEEEESE!”

Pilaf ceased, his expression showing terror. This cry that echoed across the valley was familiar to all citizens of Sweetopia. It was the roar of desperate hunger. “I-Is that what I think it is?”

“MOON CHEEEEEESE!” The ground was shaking as it felt like a beast was stampeding their way.

“Don’t tell me Big Mama is here?!” Rallo panicked.

“But Grandma only eats sweets, not cheese!” August said. “Cheese… It can only be-”

“CHEEEEEESE!” A giant tore through the top of the nearby hill, gobbling the cheese in her mouth. She was a giant fat woman with puffy ginger hair, cow horns and ears with bell earrings, and a red coat, her eyes mad with hunger. “This commoner soil does not satisfy our lust! We require cheese that is out of this world! MOON Cheese! Give us Moon Cheese IMMEDIATELY!”

“It’s Lowlah, one of the Nine Great Titans!” Augustus recognized. “She’s the captain of the Sea Cow!”

“Nine Great Titans?” Carol questioned.

“They’re the nine strongest giants in the pirate crew.” Stewie clarified. “Queen Sherbet herself is one of them. There’s also Smoothie, Madame Broode, Ernesto, and-”

“FEED US MOON CHEEEEESE!” Lowlah dug her jaws into the ground and dug a path on all fours.

“Shu, Mai, where do we get Moon Cheese?!” Pilaf asked.

“From the Cheese Moon, Boss! It’s up there!” Shu pointed at the sky.

“Well, that’s far from being my problem. RUN FOR IT!” The Kiddie Corn scattered and fled from the raging cow.

“MOOOO!” Lowlah lifted her head and munched the inferior cheese. She sniffed as she examined the remaining pirates, her eyes falling to Pichu. “CHEEEEESE!”

“PICHUUUU!” The little mouse scampered for his life, the others dodging as the cow gave chase. “HEY, get away from my Pichu!” Raleigh followed suit.

“Raleigh!” Pacifica followed and launched her chains to wrap the cow’s horns. She struggled to pull her back, but “Whoooa!” was yanked off her feet, the chains retracting her onto Lowlah’s back.

“Stewie, the cube!” Augustus took Stewie’s Infi-Cube and fished around for a phone with a skull. “Here it is!” He opened the phone and dialed a number. “Newh—I mean, Nel, it’s me, Augsus—I mean… Nel, just listen, I need you to get something…”

Pichu ran down a pile of cheese rubble into a gorge, the pile devoured and destroyed by the hungry Cowlipha. “Whoooa!” Raleigh stumbled into the pit and landed on his rear, but quickly got up and kept forth. Pacifica tugged forcefully on the beast’s horns as Lowlah tried to shake her off.

“Somebody do something! I can’t control her!”

“It’s up to us, Pichu!” Raleigh said, reuniting with his Pokémon. “Let’s put a stop to this mad cow!”

“CHUUU!” Pichu’s cheeks sparked with fierceness. (Play “Frog Fish Boss” from Spongebob Movie!)

Boss fight: Big Mom Minister of Dairy, LOWLAH KAURA

Lowlah gave a ravenous roar and munched along the ground, Pichu running from the beast. “Pichu, bring her back around!” Raleigh ordered as he summoned his Bronzor. Pichu ran around the giant and returned to his master. “Bronzor, use Heavy Slam!” The Steel Pokémon readied itself and rammed Lowlah in the head, stopping her in her tracks. Pacifica retracted her chains in attempt to lift the head up, then shot the chains down to slam her face in the ground, repeating the process. Lowlah roared and shook around, Pacifica holding on tight as she began to chase Pichu again.

“Pacifica, jump off for a sec!” Raleigh ordered, his teammate complying. “Pichu, try to get on top and use Thunder Bolt!” Pichu ran to the wall, waiting until Lowlah was close before leaping atop the beast, who rammed the wall and was stunned for a second. “Chuuu!” The mouse struck her back with a mighty bolt, but she was barely affected before shaking Pichu off and resuming chase. “Dang it! With all that fat, I thought that would hurt a lot more.”

“Boy, you ask all the wrong questions.” Pacifica remarked. “But maybe the inside is softer.”

“You want Pichu to be eaten?!”

“No, I’ll hold her mouth open. Bring her over and stop her between those rocks.” Raleigh ran between two jagged cheese-rocks and called over Pichu, luring Lowlah as Bronzor dealt another Heavy Slam. Pacifica ran behind and wrapped her chains around the cow’s mouth, then tied the chains to the rocks to hold the mouth open, detaching them from her wrist. With that, Pichu jumped onto Lowlah’s tongue and used a powerful Thunder Shock, lighting her up like a giant bulb. Pichu jumped out of the soot-covered cow, and the energy chains disappeared.

“Mooooo! That cheese displeased us! We will need a drink to quench our thirst.” Lowlah galloped over to a corner and dug her teeth into the cheese. A spout of milk erupted from the soil, Lowlah guzzling it up. She then faced the kids, sucked breath in through her nose, and spewed a gush of milk at them. Raleigh and Pacifica ran separate ways, Lowlah chasing the prince with the gush and striking, blowing him against the opposite wall. Lowlah stopped spewing and stomped toward them on her hind legs, shooting milk balls with the force of a cannon.

Raleigh had Pichu shoot Thunder Jolts and lure Lowlah over, giving Pacifica the chance to lasso onto the giant’s head. Feeling her, Lowlah reached up, grabbed, and threw her off. “Oh, no you don’t!” Pacifica recovered and lashed chains up at the horns again, using all her strength to hold the Dairy Queen back. Raleigh then had Bronzor Heavy Slam Lowlah’s stomach, causing her to hack milk out. The beast mooed and shook Pacifica away, going over to dig up another milk spout. The second she began drinking, Raleigh ordered Pichu to Thunder Shock the milk and electrocute Lowlah once more.

“That’s it! We no longer desire your service! We will CRUSH you and EAT our Moon Cheese!” The Cowlipha curled up like a ball and began rolling at high speed, Raleigh and his Pokémon dodging frantically. Lowlah crashed into the wall, denting a crater, but about-faced at her foes to perform the next Rollout. As Raleigh dodged, watching her crash into another wall, he noticed milk leaking out the side of the crater.

“Maybe we can spill milk on her. Pichu, get ready.” The mouse nodded as they went beside another wall and tricked Lowlah into ramming it. This wall was abundant with milk, spilling onto Her Moojesty as Pichu dealt another powerful electrocution. An angered Lowlah used Rollout again, but this time rolled a circle around Raleigh that grew tighter by the round. Raleigh grabbed Pichu and dodged in just the right direction when Lowlah reached their point, drilling the ground in that spot for a moment. Pichu put his ear to the ground and alerted Raleigh to a spot with milk underneath. They got on that spot as Lowlah performed the Roundabout Rollout again, dodging as she closed in and she drilled the center. Another gush of milk drenched the queen, and she met with another bolt of lightning.

“MOOOO!” The Cowlipha fell on all fours, gasping as her body sparked. “So… weak… but cannot rest… until we have… our Moon Cheese!”

“Does giant boar want round cheese?” a woman’s voice spoke. Lowlah looked up and gasped, seeing a cyan-haired girl on the cliff, wearing a green cloth dress and a skull mask. Nel was holding up a wedge of round cheese that looked like a moon.

“Has a Titan brought the moon down from the heavens?! No… that is Moon Cheese! Our sweet Moon Cheese!”

Nel leapt down and slam-dunked the cheese in Lowlah’s mouth. Her teeth compressed the cheese into mush and swallowed. “Ohhh, we could savor another… but we don’t always require seconds, you know. We will treasure this meal as we sleep. Good night, our cheesy-weesy~” Queen Lowlah rolled on her back, Pacifica running before she was crushed. Lowlah snored away in the pit. (End song.)

“Aughsus!” Nel gleefully raced up to Raleigh and hugged, pressing his face to her soft chest. “Nel is so happy to…?” For some reason, his face felt different. And he was shorter.

“Uh… I’m not him.” Raleigh flushed.

“Newh, I’m over hewe!” Nel turned, but saw no one. She looked down and saw the Baby Trio, a purple-haired girl, and… a young boy that looked like Augustus.

“Is Aughsus hiding from Nel?”

“THIS is Aughsus, Cavemelons.” Rallo poked the child’s head.

“Aughsus?!” Nel’s eyes watered with adoration. “Aughsus is small like Nel was small! Now it Nel’s job to protect Aughsus.” She picked the age-regressed captain up and pressed him to her chest. “Mmmmmm. Nel care for you like baby Terry~”

“Yeah, I didn’t think things through when I called you.” Augustus replied.

“Smelly woman is August’n’s mother?” Tama asked.

“She’s from the past, so probably.” Rallo said. (“Mw-mw.” Maggie added.)

“Uh… is everything okay down there?” Carol asked from above the pit. “Because we wanna board that saucer and find our friends before more cowboys show up. You’re welcome to join us.”

“Do we have to take them?” Raleigh asked. “This is getting… weird.”

“You brats still owe me for finding the Noah!” August shook in Nel’s arms. “Darn right you’re taking me!”

“We’ll see if they have an extra high-chair.” Pacifica assured.

Both crews returned to the farmland and located the fallen Pizzaucer, boarding it and flying away. “Curses.” Pilaf said, seeing it take off. “If it weren’t for Aunt Lowlah, we would’ve beaten them!”

“But do ya think Augustus will stay a kid, Boss?” Shu asked.

“For now, we’ll wait and see. If this upgrade is really worth the price, I can make Buu stronger than ever!”

Chapter Text

GKND H.Q.; during the Lunch Break

“PFFFFFFAAAA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!” Sheila Frantic was laughing up a storm at the sight of 5-year-old Augustus, having to squat her knees to get sort-of-level with the child. “You got turned into a little twerp! Heh, that’ll teach you to try and copy the Sunny Fist!”

“I’m gettin’ sick of you brats talkin’ down on me!” Augustus shook, Tama restraining him.

“Be good boy, Augsus.” Nel said, pouring milk down his throat. “Nel give you healthy milk~”

“And no, readers, this is not a dirty joke.” Stewie stated.

“Ha ha ha! I’m sure Haruka and Haylee would like to see that.” Mason chuckled.

“Oh, Maseyfairy!” He was then hugged from the side by Carol, who was eating Dollar Salad. “It’s been so lonely fighting the Big Mom Pirates without you!”

“Heh heh, but you have a team now, Carol!”

“But it’s not the same. Especially because you haven’t paid me back the $62,132 you owe me.”

“Grrrrr, I have to catch one of these pirates and collect their bounty!”

When the break was over, everyone returned to the cafeteria, the tables scrubbed clean. Emperor Nebula stood in the center, along with the Troll KND. “Everyone, I would like to thank you for all your work for this past month. We’ve made great progress in rescuing our captive operatives, and though we’ve suffered some losses, we mustn’t let their sacrifices be in vain. Before we discuss our next plans, the trolls have some important things to tell us. And I believe you wanted to speak first, Rawberry?”

“Frank you.” Rawberry replied, still munching on a rather large bat. “Okay, show of hams, people: would you believe me if I said I was a member of the Linlin Family?”

“HUH?!” They all jumped in shock.

“Actually… she DOES resemble a Linlin.” Kid Augustus realized, the boy sitting in Tama’s lap, who sat in Nel’s. “She has pink hair, matching eyes, she’s a glutton… Heck, she even helped me design Sweetopia in the first place!”

“Not to mention the hunger pangs.” Yosafire said with a quirky wink. “She went TTLY bonkers the first time she ate a Fire Bat! She tore up the town looking for more!”

“Okay, but are you trying to say you’re one of my cousins?”

“I’m more than just your cuisine, August.” Rawberry remarked, poking the boy’s nose. “I’m the original Linlin.”

“WAAAAAAAAAAT?!” Everyone gave their best face-faults.

“Don’t forget, I’m one of the people that designed your universe. The one who designed the Sugary Wonders was me. I’m from a strange bread of trolls that are constantly starving and desperate to eat. Even weirder is that if you eat my hair or something, you’ll become infatuated with me. Hehe, I sip a few of my boogers into Macarona’s food sometimes~”

“Basically, the Sweet Gene comes from you.” Lola deduced. “You’re the one who started this whole mess!”

“Hey, I only wanted for the Sugary Wonders to be eaten separately! I didn’t expect someone to bake them all in a cake!”

“Fine, but are you saying you know a way to help stop them?”

“I can serving-ly help you fight them, but there’s something else I wanted to bring up.” Rawberry’s expression became more serious. “I also designed one of the Newborn.”

Their attention was now more alert than ever, and some felt that they didn’t like where this was going. “Oh, yeah.” Cheren replied. “I remember in your notes, it said there was a Food Firstborn.”

“Yes, I implanted that Firstborn Egg with my blood. It’s safe to assume that Firstborn shares the same qualities as me or the Linlin Family. Now, we don’t really know where the Newborn ended up after their eggs hatched, besides the ones we’ve encountered, but it’s safe to assume that my Foodborn lives on Sweetopia. Do you understand? The Big Mom Pirates could have a Firstborn at their disposal.”

“No way!” Augustus stated. “If Big Mom had a Firstborn, I sure woulda known about it!”

“You didn’t even know Sweetopia existed until you created it.” Melody remarked.

“I would imagine,” Rawberry went on, “if the pirates had a Firstborn, they would keep it under wraps, or else even more people would target them, and they’d only use it as a last resort. Of course, this is only my theory; we don’t know for a fact if they actually HAVE the Firstborn or are even aware of it, but it’s better to consume the worst case scenario.”

“But that means when we win, we’ll have TWO Newborn!” Vweeb said enthusiastically.

“After all this crap, we deserve the full set.” Melody inputted.

Vigorous Veggie Sea, sometime much later

After defeating another Great White Asparagus, Nel hauled the beast onto the deck of the Ace Sailor. Kid Augustus diced the monster up and had it soaked in cheese, the crewmen replenishing their stamina from its nourishment. “For you, Tama~” He offered the ninja a piece.

“Mmmmmmmmmmm!” O-Tama drooled a waterfall and flushed red from its exotic taste. “O-Tama hath never known a beast that dost not taste like meat!”

“Cheese or not, vegetables are YUCKY.” Rallo remarked. “Historians are weird.”

“But Nel still don’t see Pickle Stew.”

“We’re not looking for ‘Pickle Stew,’ we’re looking for Stu Pickles.” Augustus corrected. “If he made the Awakening Serum, he’ll know how to reverse it, and more importantly fix me.”

“Or you could just join the crowd of unaging infants.” Stewie remarked.

“Mw-mw-mw-mw!” Maggie waved her arms from the crow’s nest.

“An enemy ship? Well, yes, there are tons of them, Maggie.”

“I think this one is bigger than the others!” Rallo pointed.

The ship in question seemed to have a small, ivory castle on its deck. Augustus could distinctly recognize the tall, white-cloaked woman on its tower. “Sigh…well, I’d rather it be Pea than anyone else.”

“Captain, we’re almost at the Veggie Beef Reef!” Stewie reported. “We won’t be able to sail much farther!”

“Dr. Pickles’ lab is in the center of the reef.” Augustus reminded, discarding a lollipop stick. “I’ll continue on foot, the rest of you hold back Pea’s crew as much as possible. The KND sector that called us should be coming soon, so they can help out.”

“We can’t fight Pea on our own!”

“Exactly why I need to get myself fixed pronto! Besides, Pea will be coming for me, anyway. That’ll leave you to take out the Kiddie Corn. Don’t let me down, brats!”

Veggie Beef Reef

The Ivory Castle parked next to the Ace Sailor as Jonny the Legoan quickly built a bridge connecting the two ships. The Kiddie Corn Crew crossed to battle the Marzipan Pirates. Corlan the Fishboy spat Water Bullets at Rallo, who dodged hastily and countered with soundwaves. Rallo was able to blow Corlan off the deck, but the Fishboy used his bending to bring up cyclones that tried to drill into Rallo. Since Corlan remained underwater to do this, Rallo got on a lifeboat and cut it to drop on the surface. He then dunked his afro underwater and transmitted soundwaves through the currents, amplifying them and ruining Corlan’s hearing. The Fishboy surfaced in exhaust.

“Huaaaah!” O-Tama leapt to bash Soup with her staff, but the Twili sank in a Veil, got behind, and punched the ninja. Tama flipped up and used Shadow Clone, her three clones hopping around Soup to confuse her. Soup’s eyes became as swirly as her cheeks, giving the Tamas the chance to triple-whack her. But once they were close, Soup’s shadow gnashed the clones, poofing them and hurting the real Tama. Tama leapt away and pulled a dango from her cheek, tossing it for Spoon to eat. The shadow grew tame after swallowing it. “Can Soup have one, too?” the Twili asked, drooling. Tama gave her a dango, and Soup swallowed with a delighted expression. “Ahh…Soup have new favorite~”

Glonno the giant Glomourian leapt belly-first at Nel, the cavewoman countering with kicks that smashed his belly in. He slammed the deck to make shockwaves and knock Nel over, but she dealt a breakdance kick to Glonno’s head. He reacted to grab her other leg when it came around, slamming her against the deck, then he grasped the other leg in attempt to pull them apart. The cavewoman was strong, so he couldn’t tear them off immediately, and she mustered her willpower to spin herself, haul Glonno overhead, and slam him on his back. Nel caught his giant neck in a choke hold and strangled until he passed out.

Jonny built a tower on his ship, waving to Maggie cheerfully. Maggie glared and tried to snipe him, but Jonny kept retreating into his tower, peeping out of different windows. Cannons were shooting from the tower, so Maggie switched to Spring Bullets, which would bounce the cannonballs back and destroy the cannons. Jonny began to repair those cannons, starting from the bottom, so Maggie kept eye on the top cannon. Once she saw Jonny through the window, a keen shot knocked the Legoan’s head off. As his body scrambled to recollect it, Maggie shot a grappling hook to his tower and flew over, entering his cannon window to beat the brat.

Sarborg the robot zoomed around Stewie with rocket boosters, launching to kick him when a chance presented. He wasn’t knocked back much due to his durability, but she nimbly evaded his missiles. Instead, Stewie decided to drop an EMP bomb, causing Sarborg to short-circuit. He smirked, going to dismantle the robot, but Silla jumped in to blow Stewie away. To match the giant Harnitan’s size, Stewie became a Hulk, his mighty form leaping through Silla’s wind to deal a fearsome punch to Silla’s face. The Harnitan child cried and bled, but this didn’t stop Stewie from smacking her unconscious. He reverted to baby form and began to dismantle Sarborg.

“Aiyah!” Tama swung her staff at Nati, the tiny fairy dodging. “Oryah! Hoi!” Two more misses. “Nnnnnnn!” Tama aggressively swung, but Nati giggled at how easy it was to dodge. She sprinkled dust on the ninja, forcing Tama to close her eyes. Since her own sight was useless anyhow, Tama calmed herself and used only her ears. She listened for the motion of Nati’s wings. The fairy had fluttered above her right when Tama whipped the staff down, catching Nati off guard and slamming her to the deck. “Oh?” Tama felt the impact and saw the grounded fairy. “Mmm!” No mercy, Tama stepped on her. “Mmm-mmm-mmm!” She jumped on Nati three times for good measure. However, it seemed Nati would not be getting up. “Yatta! O-Tama hath bested two foes! August’n wilt be proud!”

The Marzipan Pirates tied up all the defeated Kiddie Corn, and it seemed that their Ivory Castle has been captured. “Commander Pea has already gone after the captain.” Stewie observed. “We’d best catch up with them.”

“Why did we let tiny Augsus go all alone?!” cried Nel. “Nel feels so terrible!”

“If the captain isn’t concerned, we probably don’t need to worry. But we’d best get after him just in case.”

The Veggie Beef Reef was a region of boiling water with colored reefs that resembled ingredients for a soup bowl. Kid Augustus unwrapped a new lollipop to signify the start of this venture. (Play “Snaky Chantey” from Donkey Kong Country!)

Stage 45: Veggie Beef Reef

Mission: Locate Dr. Pickles.

The water reached up to Augustus’s ankles and filled his shoes. Such a problem wouldn’t exist in his grown-up form, so he hoped this spell would end soon. Giant sentient carrots hopped over, but Augustus easily KO’ed them with his Gobstopper. He had to watch for deeper patches in the reef that would totally submerge his small body and burn him. A large gap separated him from the next reef, but there was a stalagmite sticking out. Augustus backtracked and found a large plumb, carrying it around the holes before tossing it onto the stalagmite.

Augustus jumped it to the next reef, seeing a band of Kokiri pirates in veggie clothes. The kids screamed and charged August like bullies, but he showed no concern as he smashed their faces in with the Gobstopper. He used the back of his Lemon Cutlass to KO them, but saw one of the Kokiri bouncing on a Spaghetti Snake. After besting the rider, Augustus took the snake as his own, Pogo-hopping along the reef. Broken ship parts were sticking out of the sea, and the snake could bounce high enough to land on them.

Augustus bounced a crow’s nest, a floating plank, and some slanted masts before landing on a ledge outside a tall reef. Augustus bounced the snake along the ledge, reaching a tall stairway where giant pineapples were bouncing down. They jumped the platforms while the pineapples were in mid-bounce, before they could hit the platforms. The pineapples were being chucked by a Pianta, but Augustus sent the chubby dancer falling as punishment. They bounced up a few more platforms and reached a small field atop the reef. Broccoli Korok pirates appeared to be jigging to the song, but had to focus priorities on Augustus.

They whirled their maracas rapidly and charged, but Augustus’s trusty snake flew over them and made it onto a tall pillar. The pillar had Bomb Onions that Augustus could drop down and explode the Koroks. When they were all defeated, Augustus could safely open a cage and take a chest. He remounted his snake and bounced some platforms to another reef, but sadly had to bid the snake farewell as the route led underwater. This particular water passage wasn’t boiling, but he had to maneuver around the bubbling hot spots.

The current calmed when Augustus arrived at an open, underground cavern with a magic barrier. He saw numerous blue rings, save for one green one. He swam through the green first, then saw the next ring turn green, and thus swam through them all as indicated. However, a school of French fry fish (Fish Fries) were chasing him during this puzzle. He managed to keep away from them until the path opened, leading Augustus to a tunnel where he could resurface. The captain was on a reef with a Ringtrot bushel. By suckling a ring, he was able to skid along the surface at great speed.

Augustus ran to a small island with another bushel and rested. The central island of this area had a large cannon, but when Augustus ran to investigate, it required three keys. Figuring they had to be scattered around this open area, he ran to a tall island first. He had to climb a winding wall of spinach to reach the top, avoiding the green slimes clambering it. Once on top, he collected the first key. He sucked another Ringtrot and raced the water once more. Giant squashes rose to the surface—they exploded like mines, so August maneuvered around them.

He reached a small island with a bushel, but noticed the water around it wasn’t boiling. He was able to dive underneath, delving into a deep tunnel. Pickeels (pickle eels) stuck out of holes to bite him, so he evaded those holes and grabbed the key at the bottom. He resurfaced, took a new Ringtrot, and raced to the next island. Rather, he raced to a watchtower, from which pirates were shooting cannon-melons. Augustus dodged them and snagged the ladder leading onto the tower. There were Floro Sapiens, along with an Eggplant Wizard.

The robed wizard tossed an eggplant grenade that would transform Augustus into such, but he dodged. August bounced his Gobstopper around the Sapiens to KO them. Afterwards, he ran to the Eggplant Wizard and cut him down, seizing his key. Augustus headed for the central cannon, activated it, and launched across the sea! He landed on a giant mushroom, bounced to another, one more, and landed on another island. Augustus looked into a water pit, where the gaping mouth of a giant Piranha Plant longed to munch something.

There were leaves growing from the soil, and Augustus picked them for turnips. He tossed them down into the Piranha, but it wouldn’t chew such small produce. Augustus had a harder time picking one of them, so he applied Haki—he pulled a giant turnip out, lifted it, and threw it down. The Piranha stretched out and chomped, and August could use its closed mouth as a platform. He approached a ledge overlooking a horde of Colliwobbles, floating cauliflowers with eyes. Augustus jumped the large vegetables to a small platform with a Puffsicle. Seeing the air full of Colliwobbles above him, Augustus bit the popsicle, inflated, and floated up while maneuvering around the vegetables.

August deflated and landed on a tall reef with a garden of Bok Choy. The Choy grew angry eyes and leapt at August with karate chops. He dodged the Chop-Choy and sliced them with his sword, and afterwards slid down a celery waterslide. He landed on a reef with a single Pianta. “’hoy there, young man. Welcome to the Pianta Chuckster Grounds. Have fun~!” With that, he flung Augustus to the next reef like a catapult. This reef had a large and short Pianta walking in circles. He would wait until the large one was aligned with the next reef before approaching and being flung—the Pianta threw him a short distance, causing Augustus to splash in the boiling water, and he scrambled to swim back to land.

It turns out, the short Pianta was the wiser choice in flying to the next reef. This reef was divided in a fork: the left side had a Pianta while the right had a Bomb Onion. The following reef was blocked by a lettuce wall, so August would have to pick the bomb, run to the other side, and toss the bomb to the Pianta, who would chuck it to blow up the lettuce. August could then be chucked himself. From here, there were rows of parallel platforms where Piantas were chucking bombs to one-another. August had to approach his Pianta when the opening presented itself, flying across without hitting any bombs.

On the next reef, the Pianta was running around in a hurry, August dodging before he would be chucked accidentally. His destination was a stairway of giant balloons, but to the left was an optional platform with a cage. He would have to time it carefully so he approached the Pianta at the perfect angle. He successfully flung to the optional platform and freed a Nimbi prisoner. A Pianta returned August to the main platform, where he would have to make the tricky alignment to the balloon stairs. The Pianta chucked, and his momentum grew up the popping balloons—he hit another Pianta that chucked him to a wide reef.

There stood a laboratory labeled ‘Pickles Works.’ Two Piantas were chucking a watermelon in an arched fashion from either side of the flagpole. Augustus approached the left one to be chucked, but he simply flew over the pole—before hitting the melon and both falling. Augustus returned the melon to restart its endless chucking. He would have to be chucked just when the melon would be over the pole. Once he did, his flight ceased and he fell onto the top, swapping Big Mom’s flag with a Marzipan flag. (End song.)

“Oi! Is someone water-skiing?” a Pianta asked, pointing his stubby hand to sea. Seven figures appeared to be sliding along an Ice Road, conjured by Weiss.

“This place looks important.” Weiss observed. “Too bad it has lax security!” She tossed icicles at the Piantas and KO’ed them.

“Ahh! About time you dorks arrived!” Augustus waved his arms. “Get over here!”

“There’s a kid over there.” Kokichi pointed. “Think he’s one of the Kiddie Corn kids?”

“No, that’s Augustus.” Carol replied awkwardly. The Luxury Pirates crossed the shallow water and joined the age-regressed captain. “So, still tiny, huh?”

“Enjoy it while it lasts, brat.” Augustus tossed his lollipop away. “With any hope, Dr. Pickles will fix me.”

“Who’s that?” Pacifica asked.

“The old coot that lives in this lab. He’s the Big Moms’ main scientist, but he’s a pretty nice guy. …If a little wonky.”

“NOW I’ve got you, Augustus!” an echoey voice called.

The group faced skyward, seeing a tall, Amazon-like woman in white garb. Cassiopea descended and splashed the ground. “It’s the commander!” Ciel exclaimed.

“I half expected her to catch up sooner.” August replied.

“Augustus von Fizzuras, you are under arrest for crimes against the Big Mom Pirates, and furthermore, to your family. If you want even a chance at being a good boy, you can surrender and come quietly.”

“Awww, wook at wittle Pea acting like a big girl.” the young captain cooed.

“She looks a lot bigger than you, dude.” Carol remarked in worry.

“Do not test me, Augustus! If you do not surrender, I will NOT hold back!”

“If you’re gonna ask that of me, you oughta do it with your own face!”

“Hmph… so be it!”

The Luxury Pirates watched as the woman pulled off her mask, anticipating what she could be hiding underneath. In a flash of light, her Amazon-like figure shrank into the body of a gentle, 8-year-old girl. She was a few inches taller than Augustus and wore a white dress that highlighted her innocence. The operatives were taken aback by the remarkable difference between forms, even though they were aware of it beforehand.

Also as opposed to her adult form’s strictness, Pea seemed to be crying and folding her hands. “Please come back, Augustus. Grandma is going crazy. She’s turning all our citizens into monsters! If she doesn’t get happy, she’ll do the same to the people in my hometown, and-and everyone else! But if you turn yourself in, maybe she’ll be a little happier. Please, Augustus.”

“You must mean the monsters that just appeared on the other worlds.” Carol replied. “And those are your own people? I can’t believe she would do something so terrible.”

“Does it have anything to do with that candy everyone eats at church?” Augustus asked. “If so, I wonder if Dr. Pickles would know how to fix this. We were on our way to see him anyway, so let’s ask.”

“No way!” Pea stomped. “Grandma’s watching, Augustus! She knows everything we’re doing! If I go against her orders for even a second, I’ll be punished. Just like Uncle Ernesto…”

“Ernesto? Wasn’t he captured by the Sky Gods?”

“He escaped, but his soul was eaten because he was against the Titans. I’m scared, Augustus.”

“Pea, this is exactly why I left the crew. Between Grandma and Great Grandma, not to mention some of the others like Hisoka and Lucky, there are too many nutjobs in this crew. Trying to infect the world with candy, turning people into monsters, that ain’t why I became a pirate! True pirating is about freedom, not all the crazy shit these Emperors do!”

“Preferably not the Sky Gods’ way of freedom, but sure.” Ciel shrugged.

“But I wasn’t crazy, was I?” Pea asked. “I thought you loved me, Augustus.”

Augustus walked up and held her hands, smiling sweetly. “Of course I love you, Pea. You weren’t anything like most of these freaks, so I felt comfortable around you. When I left, I was sad that I wouldn’t get to see you anymore, but you were plenty strong to handle your own, anyway. And you’re smart, too, so if you don’t like what Grandma is doing, then work with us.”

There was a time when Pea would take Augustus’s words to heart, when she would look up at his charming eyes and let his wisdom as a big brother enlighten her mind. …She hadn’t felt the same feeling from looking down at a naïve boy’s little eyes. “Boo!” She pushed him on the ground like a bully. “And how’m I supposed to believe a puny little boy can beat Grandma?!”

“She’s got a point.” Kokichi replied. “I mean, he’s smaller than a Pea!”

“That won’t matter as soon as Dr. Pickles or stupid Pilaf fixes me!” Augustus argued. “But no matter what age we are, me and my crewmen are super strong.”

“Fine. Then they can prove it.” Pea placed her white mask back on and stretched back to Amazon height, the boy craning his neck back to see her face. “Which of your crewmen dare to challenge me?”

“Uh…pick any one you like!” August directed at the operatives.

“SINCE WHEN ARE WE YOUR CREWMEN?!” they shouted.

“Very well. I’ll pick… that one.” She pointed at Carol.

“WAT!” Carol turned pale.

Cassiopea opened a portal on her hand and sucked Carol in. “CAROL!” Ciel leapt and grabbed his friend, letting himself be sucked in as well. Pea sucked herself into the portal, which vanished with a pop.

The three landed on a platform in a swirling sub-dimension, stars glittering a blue veil. “So, you wish to challenge me as well?” she asked Ciel.

“Well, of course. Carol is far too weak to face a Pirate Commander on her own.”

“Wow, how faithless!” Carol flushed.

“Excuse me, Carol,” Ciel smiled slyly, “but as your ‘butler,’ it will not do well on my reputation to let you face such a dangerous foe alone.”

“Sigh…hm hm hm!” Carol giggled. “Then don’t let me down! That’s an order!”

“As you wish.” Ciel lifted her onto his shoulders. “I shall not let you down!”

“How charming.” Pea shook her head. “Let’s see how you fair against my masks. This one, I stole from a spacebender from New Zathura.” (Play “Executor’s Knight” from Ni no Kuni!)

Boss fight: Minister of Beans, Dinner Commander, CASSIOPEA JADES

Tip: On Easy Mode, Pea’s riddles will be related to stuff in the story, while Hard Mode has riddles about the greater Gameverse.

Cassiopea soared around the space and cast Starbursts with lightning speed. Ciel watched for their movements carefully and dodged with monstrous speed, keeping Carol balanced on his shoulders as she mashed her laptop keyboard. With sturdy focus, she was materializing a solid hologram of a giant Game-and-Watch. When Cassiopea targeted it, Ciel intercepted her Starbursts with kicks, protecting Game-and-Watch long enough for Carol to finish. A 2D trampoline was uploaded for Game to bounce up to Pea and bash her with a 2D frying pan, grounding the Kokiri. Pea kicked the Program away, then flew to the kids to stomp them, but they dodged as Ciel pelted her with bullets. Cassiopea willed a giant Shooting Star to descend on them, and though they dodged, the shockwave knocked them down. Game-and-Watch returned to Pea and bashed her with a ‘5’ hammer, which electrified the woman.

With that stun, Ciel released Carol and pounced Pea’s face, firmly clutching her mask. He tugged vigorously, but Pea tried to pull him off in turn. With Gamen’s added support, Ciel succeeded, Pea shrinking back to child size. As Ciel fell, he dealt a brutal kick to Pea’s head, but she suffered little recoil as she grabbed his leg and threw him to Carol. “Her child form looks powerless, but my kick barely injured her.” Ciel observed, picking Carol back up. “She lives up to her title as a Commander.” Pea morphed into a large sphinx to tear up Gamen, then pranced away from the kids. She ran around for a bit before pouncing, but Ciel ducked them and shot Pea’s stomach, the sphinx retreating once more.

Pea rooted herself and faced them, conjuring an impenetrable barrier. “I am the white that thrives under black. I cut down all in my path. What am I?” She began to charge an energy beam in her mouth. Knowing of her Sphinx Fruit power, they tried to think of any possible solution to the riddle.

“Might you be… a Glomourian?” Ciel asked, knowing they were a white-skinned species that lived on a dark planet. The barrier shattered, so Ciel kicked her in the jaw and tried to pin the sphinx down. Carol summoned three Gamens to shoot 2D flamethrowers at Pea, burning her face before she shook Ciel off and leapt away.

She reverted to Kokiri form and withdrew a red mask with white eyes and a gem on its forehead. “This mask was made from a dying shadowbender from a magic planet!” Pea donned the mask and became a tall, red-robed being with ghostly black hair. She sank in a Veil and slithered underneath the kids, Ciel performing a terrific leap to avoid her sneaky attack. He shot guns directly down when the girl reemerged, and Carol made a Game-and-Watch parachute to slow their descent, tightly clutching Ciel’s head in her legs. Pea stretched multiple Shade Fists up, so Carol leaned them to maneuver around the air.

Pea kept evading Ciel’s bullets, but Carol was also dropping Gamens down to whack her with keys. The angered Kokiri dissolved into a Veil as a shadow eclipsed the whole floor. Carol quickly downloaded a digital shield to protect the two, and they let their selves fall in the Shadow Shockwave. Pea’s shadow viciously gnashed all the Gamens and chomped through the shield, but the duo backed out in time as Carol had a Gamen use Judge-4, slashing the shadow as Pea emerged. Ciel pounced the witch and tugged her mask, Pea Veiling to try and shake him off, but the demon kept a firm grip and unmasked her. Pea reverted to normal, taking another kick from the earl.

Pea became a sphinx and pranced away, spat a beam that they dodged, resumed prancing, shot another beam, then pounced the two. Ciel and Carol were slammed against the “wall,” Pea sinking her teeth in the demon, so Carol quickly downloaded another Gamen to use Judge-2, while also bashing the sphinx’s head with her laptop. Pea released and retreated, conjuring another barrier. Carol got off Ciel to let himself treat his wound. “I do not matter, except in matter. Unleash me, and you will not matter. What am I?”

As she charged her beam, the two desperately tried to think of an answer, using “matter” as the keyword. “…Oh, I remember Mason’s story!” Carol gasped. “Maybe it’s… the Netherverse?” The barrier disabled, so Ciel kicked Pea and held her down. Carol formed another Gamen and used Judge-1, which did nearly no damage to Pea and caused Gamen himself to derez.

“What bloody attack was that?!” Ciel questioned.

“Game-and-Watch’s Judge attack is random; I hope to at least land a ‘9’ attack!”

Pea shook them off and swiped her claw at Ciel’s stomach before leaping away. She had stolen the white mask back and transformed into a spacebender again. She tried to catch them in Blocks, Ciel running and shooting bullets. The witch ascended to the sky, raining Fallen Stars, so Carol quickly downloaded a 2D rocket. She made Gamens to protect the rocket from stars until it was ready to launch, flying up and exploding against Pea. She was weakened enough for Carol to download several 2D trampolines in the air, which Ciel bounced up to reach the witch. Pea protected her mask, but Ciel instead chose to return her earlier favor and bite into her neck, his demon instincts growing. Pea frantically pulled and threw him off, slamming Ciel to the floor.

Pea morphed into a sphinx, now much larger in her adult form. She fell paws-first, chi building up, and the two were blown by a shockwave, smashing them to the wall as they coughed blood. Pea spat an array of Starbursts, Ciel grabbing Carol and dodging hastily. The sphinx snarled and pursued, Ciel dashing faster than ever. The speed made it hard for Carol to type, making several mistakes and having to backspace, but against all odds, she was able to download the Game-and-Watch Octopus. The 2D beast intercepted the sphinx and bound her in its tentacles. Ciel pounced the mask, tugged forcefully, and yanked it off. Pea shrank back to her child sphinx form.

A barrier appeared, preventing the octopus from attacking, so Carol disabled it. “I reap what I do not sow. I-”

“Grim Reaper.” They chorused the first answer that popped in. The barrier dispelled, so Ciel lay another beatdown. Carol had three Gamens attack the commander, and one of them used Judge-8, briefly freezing Pea as Ciel did a forceful kick to her face. Pea escaped, became a Kokiri, and withdrew another mask of a polygonal face with a triangular mustache. “This mask was a very greedy earthbender!” Pea became a muscular figure with wavy green hair. She displayed earthbending and melted the ground into mud, using waves to bury the two. Carol held onto Ciel as he mustered his strength to swim them out of the dirt, but Pea kept trying to bury them. Carol downloaded a 2D boat to keep them afloat on the earth.

Pea dove underneath and shot up from beneath the boat, but Ciel anticipated this and already leapt up with Carol. The boat derezzed, and Pea re-submerged, waiting for them to land. They were descending on another parachute, but Pea would resurface. Remembering Pea’s description, Carol dropped a wad of cash in the mud. Pea’s head peeped up and was attracted by the wad, eyes sparkling with greed; perhaps that was her victim’s conscience speaking. It worked in their favor as Ciel dropped on her and tugged the mask from behind. Pea’s muscular strength made this difficult, so Carol dropped a Game-and-Watch to help. It dealt Judge-2, sadly not what Carol hoped, but it caused Pea to lose her grip on Ciel and lose her mask.

The ground re-solidified as Ciel kicked Pea away. “Looks like Cash Combat still had one ounce of juice left!!” Carol proclaimed proudly.

“At least I got this!” Pea yelled, withdrawing her White Mask.

“How did you get that back?” Ciel asked.

“You lost it in the sand pit! I’m tearing you bullies up once and for all!” Pea donned the mask and grew tall again. “Time for my Awakening!” She drew a syringe and injected herself. With a surge of power, her upper body attained its sphinx form, she grew two extra arms, and three tails.

“Good thing Sebastian isn’t here. He would never let me maim such a majestic cat!” Ciel removed his eyepatch and unleashed a surge of chi, surrounding his body in black aura as his shoulders grew sharp. With Demon Earl Fury, he clashed his own clawed fingers against Pea’s, the woman screaming as her belly was sliced. A barrier blocked him, and Pea’s tails glowed as her wounds healed. Ciel could only restrain his Fury and snarl.

“My chi brings death, yet I am denied my own element. The heart was where I rest. Who am I?” Pea rained giant stars upon them as they tried to think of an answer. The shockwave of a star knocked them over, and another crushed Ciel, but the demon withstood.

“Um, chi, death…deathbending… Zeref?” Carol guessed the only deathbender she knew. The barrier dispelled, and Ciel zipped behind and pounced Pea’s tails, biting one and violently tearing it off. The hybrid growled and kicked him in the head, showering Ciel with star bullets. She turned to Carol, the girl gasping as she was about to suffer a fatal kick, but Ciel pushed her away in time and took the kick himself. He grabbed her leg however and sliced it off at the base, then Pea trapped him in a Block and exploded it.

She created another barrier, her tails glowing as she reattached her leg and healed it. “I have no brain, yet I am abundant with creativity. My ideas are not mine, but others come to take them. What am I?”

“A T.V.?” Carol answered. The barrier was still active and Starbursts flew at Carol, Ciel whacking them away with powerful claw-swipes. “Ergh…ah! Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends!” The barrier stopped, and Ciel zipped between Pea’s legs with blinding speed, scratching both, then he leapt to bite and yank off another tail. The Kokiri cried and blew both kids against the “wall” from the force. She rapidly spun and burned a beam along the floor, unceasing as Ciel reactively dodged and helped Carol do the same. After half a minute, Pea ceased and created another barrier.

“I am a monster that is like the sun: melting your precious sweets and bringing despair to your hearts. Who am I?” She was inhaling deeply, building up a powerful beam that was bound to annihilate them.

“I would bet Grandma came up with that riddle,” Ciel remarked, “for Sheila Frantic.” Correct he was, for the barrier vanished. Ciel pounced her remaining tail, and Pea viciously clawed her own rear to tear the demon apart. Carol sent another Game-and-Watch, which Pea didn’t feel threatened by in the least and kept cutting Ciel. Carol hoped for the best as Gamen used his Judge attack-

RIIIIING! The ‘9’ finally appeared, striking Cassiopea with such great power that she slammed against the spatial wall. A rift was blown open, sucking them all back to the real world. Ciel finished tearing the tail off in the air, throwing it elsewhere, but he and Pea splashed in the veggie sea. Weiss dove in to save Ciel, his Fury dying off in the water, and Augustus swam for Pea. He pulled off her mask, shrinking Pea back to child size, though she still retained her hybrid form. Both kids were brought to the surface. (End song.)

Carol landed on her rear in the shallow water. Weiss came to rest Ciel beside her, the young demon gasping for breath. As his blurry vision came to, he could make out a familiar shape: a blonde head with pigtails. “Lizzy…?” he muttered softly. However, the pigtails changed into puffy buns, and Carol’s form became clear.

“Great work, partner!” Carol beamed, holding a hand above him.

“…That’s an odd angle to offer your hand to me.”

“It’s a high five, silly.”

“Oh…I didn’t know we did those.” Ciel weakly touched her palm.

Carol returned to sitting as Ciel sat up. Both looked to where Pea was brought up, being chained up as she weakly squirmed and growled. “Wow… I can’t believe we beat a commander.” Carol’s heart beat with excitement. “Just think, I was barely even a rookie operative when I first fought the Big Mom Pirates. Between New Galaxia and this, I’ve been through so much and I’ve gotten so strong!”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Ah, right…” Carol blushed. “I really needed you for that fight, too. Just like I needed Dillon all those years ago. I guess I’m not the girl who can handle herself. But as long as I’m still useful for my team, that’s not so bad.”

“Indeed…” Ciel smiled, feeling warmed by her enthusiasm. Even though she wasn’t strong, he wouldn’t peg her as weak either. “Hey, Carol… can I tell you something?”

“Uh-huh?”

“Well… back when I was human… I was engaged to a girl named Elizabeth. She was very kind and reliable, but… after this demon incident happened, I had to bid her farewell. …And, not to give the wrong idea, but you sort of remind me of her.”

“I… do?” Carol lightly blushed. “Was she a computer expert?”

“We didn’t have computers back then. She was a swordswoman, and far stronger than you.”

“Okay.” Her face fell.

“However… when I’m around you, Carol… I feel as if Lizzy is still beside me. Wanting to watch over me.”

“Awwww. You must’ve really loved her.”

“I never said anything like that, don’t go making wild accusations!”

“Whatever you say.” Carol reached to pinch his cheek. “But if that’s how you feel, then I’m happy to be here for you.”

Ciel shared a smile with her. The two pushed their selves off the ground, in which Carol began to shudder from an awkward sensation. “Ohhhh!” Carol shook her rear. “This soupy water got all in my underwear! It feels like I soiled myself, it’s so disgusting!!”

“Get a grip on yourself, there’s a washer in the submarine. Besides, you aren’t the one who’s weak to water.”

“No, but you’re the one who’s gonna wash my clothes!”

“After I nearly died for you?! I’m flippin’ bleeding!”

“Master,” Sebastian scolded, “a good butler cares not for their own health, but for the comfort of his master.”

“And where were YOU?! Don’t tell me a good butler can’t breach a simple sub-dimension!”

“I don’t recall hearing your order.”

“Grrrrr!”

“Just keep Pea under wraps, ya twerps.” Augustus ordered, marching toward the laboratory. “I’ll be with the doc.”

The lab opened with automatic glass doors. The inside was like an ordinary office building, until Augustus got around the whacky inventions that looked like crazy children’s toys. He saw the man in question at a desk. He was a chubby man with skinny limbs, but large hands and shoes, along with a big nose and pale hair that stood in frantic spikes. He was rapidly tapping a keyboard. “Another order for twenty—thirty-thousand more cupcakes, hop to it on that icing, sprinkles sprinkles, any more sprinkles, maybe visit the sprinkle store…” His tone was that of a tired father working late at night, and his five-o’clock shadow and baggy eyes were a sign of this.

Augustus approached the grown-up. “Dr. Pickles?”

“H-H-Hey kid, wanna play in the ballpit, Uncle Stu is busy now, h-here eat this.” He tossed Augustus a baby milk bottle and rolled his chair to a different keyboard.

Augustus was half-tempted to drink the milk—he remembered he was a big boy and tossed it aside! “Uncle Stuuuu!” He stomped over and tugged the man’s pants. “I-I mean, Dr. Pickles, I need help! Do you know anything about Grandma’s monsters?”

“Titans Titans Titans,” his murmured words melded together from his quick speech, “Grandma’s body made from captured Titans, infectious DNA that turns others into Titans, only when Grandma says.” He sipped a coffee, the cup trembling in his hands. “NHC10 stabilizes the Titan transformations make them strong, eating Grandma’s DNA without NHC10 makes imperfect Titans, useless-useless…”

Augustus’s 5-year-old brain spun from the rampant information, confusing the youth. “Is there any way to fix the Titans?”

“No known cure, would take years, terrible-terrible fate,” he grasped his head and shook, “what’ve I done, I didn’t want this, this wasn’t what I wanted to do with life, gotta live with your mistakes, gotta keep moving.” He rolled to the next desk and drew a quick blueprint.

Augustus toddled after him. “But I think I might know some way! I know a couple guys who are timebenders. What if you had Time Chi, could you make a cure with that?”

“Timebending centered around the brain, a drug made with concentrated chi could revitalize cognitive functions, reversing the Gigantifying more work, takes years…”

“But you’d help us, right?”

“Sigh, sure kid, what’ver you say, eat your vegetables before dinner…”

“Thank you, Uncle Stu!” Augustus hugged the grown-up’s leg. …Realizing this, he let go and brushed off. “Man, I hate being a twerp. Uncle Stu, can you fix me, too? Pilaf turned me little with his power, I wanna be big again!”

“Did you drink your bottle, kid?”

“Bottles are for babies!”

“New Super Growth Formula, helps kids mature faster, rids unnatural age-regression, countermeasure for Pilaf’s Devil Fruit…”

“Huh?” Curious, Augustus returned to the discarded bottle and picked it up. With embarrassment, he suckled the bottle. He felt himself grow taller as his muscles developed. His child clothes poofed back to his jeans, vest, and boots, and his vision darkened when his sunshades returned. “HELL YEAH, BABY! I’m back in business!”

“Sure-sure, good job, Champ.” Stu murmured. “Researched all the family’s Devil Fruits, got cures ready ’case something goes wrong with their Awakening, happens all the time…”

“Really? Mind if I take a couple with me?”

Augustus returned outside, the operatives surprised to see him full grown again. He approached the chained Pea and fed her a pill. Her squirming subsided as her sphinx head compressed into her innocent human head. “You can uncuff her now.”

“What?” Weiss asked. “She’s still our enemy!”

“Nah, I don’t think so.” With that, he was handed the keys, unlocking Pea’s chains gently.

Pea felt a pair of warm arms embrace her. She slowly awoke to Augustus’s charming face. He possessed the aura and reliability she had once known in her big cousin. “Well, Pea, looks like my crewmen were a bit too much for you. And just imagine I got a ton more.”

“Except we’re not your crewmen.” Pacifica noted.

“I don’t wanna have to lock you up, Pea.” Augustus pulled out a green lollipop. “So, I’ll ask you one more time. You wanna keep serving Grandma and hope she doesn’t make any more Titans? Or do you wanna take her down and stop anyone else from getting hurt? We’ll make a cure for the Titans and put this whole nightmare behind us.”

“Augustus…” Whenever she lay in his arms like this, Pea always felt safe from the nightmares. She felt that nothing bad could happen with him around. “…” With a warm smile, she took the lollipop and tasted it.

“Ally secured!” Carol cheered.

“But just a fair warning, your other crewmen might’ve been terribly injured by my own.” August said.

“That’s alright, they’ll get over it. But could I ask for a favor, Augustus?”

“What is it?”

“I…I want you to beat up Uncle Tsao!” Pea turned hot with anger. “He hurt Uncle Ernesto! I really wanna teach him a lesson!”

“Leave it to me, Pea! I’ll scramble that chicken!” Augustus raised his cousin to the sky, tossing her up and down as Pea giggled.

The child’s joy reached the hearts of Sector $. Like the Hope Pirates and many others in this war, Pea was simply an innocent child dragged into unfortunate circumstances. She wanted this war to end just as much as the KND. Perhaps soon, they could grant her wish.

The Marzipans were happy to hear everything went okay. Augustus welcomed the inevitable hug from Nel, along with Tama’s smaller arms around his legs. “August’n! O-Tama hath defeated two foes on her own!”

“Ya did? Great job, Tama!”

“Hai! The fairy dust beneath her feet is proof of victory!” She showed the smashed dust on her sandals.

“OH GOSH, NATI!” Pea gasped. “I mean, I know she’ll self-heal, but poor girl!”

“O-Tama, we do not squash fairy kids!” Augustus scolded. “I didn’t make you Junior Babysitter to hurt little fairies.”

“O-Tama is shamed…” She bowed her head in disgrace.

Chicken Empire

The Chicken Empire was built on an imposing mountain between two distant, hotsauce volcanoes. The volcanoes constantly covered the sky with dark and red clouds to highlight the town’s ominousness. The buildings were designed like a Chinese palace, and Lord Tsao’s magnificence loomed every street in the form of statues.

The great chicken lord himself mounted the stage at the doorstep of his palace, visible to all citizens. “SUBJECTS OF LORD TSAO! From this day forward, the Big Mom Pirates are entering a new era of POWER! The day we have worked toward for generations, the day we evolve into Titans on par with Great Grandma, has finally come! And you, my humble servants, will now have a chance to attain partial greatness!”

“YAAAAAAHHHHH!”

“Of course, Lord Tsao desires only the most powerful candidates to serve at his side! Who among you has the potential to become an invincible Titan? We-hell, I think you can already see the answer.” Tsao chortled. “I present to you… KENDRA!”

There was raving and cheering as a tremendous, obese, blonde woman in a pink shirt was carried on a parade platform. “KENDRA, KENDRA, here comes the mighty Kendra, the Kendra, Kendra!” A hillbilly man with sandy-blonde hair and a mustache was waving flags, leading the float.

“Already decreed one of our Nine Great Titans, Kendra Krinklesac is the greatest glutton in all of Sweetopia. We will shower her with a marvelous feast. Make her as massive as possible, so her evolution will be all the more powerful!”

“Awwww, Lester.” Kendra cooed at her husband. “You fixed a mountain of food just for me.”

“It’s better than eatin’ our livestock.” Lester replied.

“Commence the feeding… NOW!” Tsao waved two flags, and another float with a mountain of food began rolling away, dropping its contents along the ground. Kendra fell on her front, munching along like a ravenous animal.

The Marzipan Pirates parked the Ace Flyer on a small ledge underneath the town walls. “Sounds like a party is goin’ on.” Augustus noticed, lollipop ready. “Great chance to sneak in. Plus, Tama will blend in well with the environment.”

“O-Tama is trained to ‘blend’ anywhere!” The ninja used Cloak Jutsu.

“Nel get to come, too!” The cavewoman hugged Augustus, pressing her chest to his back.

“Yeah, Nel, gonna need you to get small for this one.”

“Yay!!” Nel took a breath and repressed her power, shrinking to her 5-year-old form and clinging to Augustus’s shoulders.

“NOW WOMAN IS SMALL?!” Tama panicked.

“She kinda asked for a special Gigai.” August replied. “You three mind the plane.” He and Tama began to climb the cliffside. “Man, it feels good to be big again…” (Play “Bowser’s Castle 2” from Mario Odyssey!)

Stage 47: Chicken Empire

Mission: Defeat Commander Tsao now!

There was a very thin ledge the group could sidle along once up at the brick wall. Augustus had Tama go first and made note of the parts that would shake under her light weight, so he would step over those parts. They discovered a narrow hole in the wall, so Nel was asked to crawl into it. The cavechild found a way to the top of the wall, peeping out to see two Sammer Guys (short samurai in blue armor) facing the town and dancing. Nel quietly crawled out and lowered a rope down for the others to climb. Once August and Tama were up, the Sammers were alerted. Augustus clashed with one’s blade and swiftly KO’ed him, and Tama jabbed the other’s face with her staff while Nel chomped through his helmet.

There were barriers on either side on the wall, so the trio dropped into town. There were dancing, sentient poles waving Tsao banners over a boiling pool of ramen. Chinese dragons slithered out of the ramen in arched fashions, and could serve as platforms for the crew. They crossed to a platform with soil, from which Mogmas poked out to shoot guns. The mole humanoids repeatedly burrowed and remerged, so Tama would bash to stun them with swift timing, leaving Augustus to land the final blows. There was a bushel of Pop Gum available, and Mogmas were still sniping them from distant platforms. August fed the gum to Nel and used her as a gun to shoot the explosive candy at the Mogmas when they exposed their selves.

August then shot a distant cog, unraveling some bowl platforms from the ramen. They crossed the bowls and arrived at a town street, seeing food littered everywhere. “The earth bringeth us a most bountiful harvest!” Tama beamed, picking a loaf of bread up.

“Geez, what kind of festival just dumps food like this?” Augustus asked, trudging across the food. “It’s gonna take a hell of a street-cleaner to-”

“THE KENDRA, KENDRA, FEEEEED THE KENDRA! Make her so big, we have more butt to kiss, oi!” The crew panicked when a massive woman was munching their way, a hillbilly dancing on her back. They bolted up the road, bouncing hamburger pillars to get over Whomp-Tart walls. They crossed a narrow, snaky path over a ramen river, August throwing his Gobstopper at switches to open gates. Kendra munched upriver, unbothered by its temperature, so they hastened to escape. They reached wider road and had to take down some Sammers, but five Boos would attempt to block their path. “Not so fast, buddy!” The Boos flew at them with hanging tongues.

“Tama, see if Boos like your dango!”

“Hai!” The ninja pulled five dango from her cheeks, leaving August to chuck them in the Boos’ mouths like his Gobstopper. The Boos chewed happily, their white forms morphing brownish-yellow.

“Mmm, that’s pretty tasty!”

“Yeah! …Hey, why’re you guys brown?”

“You’re brown, too.”

“Was there something in that dango?”

“I dunno, but we better—AAAAAHH!” That Boo was gulped up in Kendra’s mouth. The other Boos panicked and fled, the Kendra crawling after them.

“Uh…’kay. Didn’t think that would happen.” August said. “Glad it did!” The crew proceeded down an alternate road. A colossal Stairface Hamogre was guarding the street, the big-mouthed beast raising a giant ham-stamp. The Ogre stepped sideways to keep their route blocked. Augustus got close and tricked the Ogre into hammering his ham down. He dodged back, then jumped the stairs up the ham. He got onto the Ogre and slammed a Haki Fist on its weak top, shattering the beast. They had to climb a netted wall, but another Ogre was waiting on top. It would hammer down and knock them off with the force.

A large, round bird called a Pokio approached. It shot its beak at Augustus, who dodged and backed away. Tama held a dango up for the bird to stick. The dango was retracted into the bird, and it fell in love with the Historian. She climbed onto the Pokio, who could poke the wall behind the net and fling itself higher. When the Ogre hammered, it couldn’t force them down while they were midair. The Pokio stuck to the ham and flung up to the Ogre’s forehead. Tama told it to poke the yellow gap in its head, destroying the Ogre. Her team climbed up, and a horde of Pokios toddled toward them. Tama’s steed swiftly poked each one and defeated them.

But two tiny figures zipped by and cut Tama’s animal down, horrifying the child. Augustus indicated the Mini-Sammers zooming around, the six-inch samurai leaving trails of dust in their wake. They zipped by and cut the feet of August and Tama, but would escape before a retaliation. With swift timing, Augustus stomped one of them flat and Tama whacked the other away. The crew entered an enclosed area over a ramen pit, having to cross bridges to pillars leading across. A Sumo Sammer guarded the first pillar, curling into a ball to roll across the bridge. Augustus firmly stopped him, grabbed, and hauled him off the bridge.

No one seemed to be guarding the next pillar—a Ninjoe poofed and cut the ropes with shurikens. The bridge fell back against the other pillar, but the crew thankfully landed on a platform. They jumped platforms to return to the base of the 2nd pillar, climbing its rugged side to get on top. Augustus slashed the Ninjoe, but it used Substitution with a bomb, August dodging. The ninja leapt from behind, but Nel dealt him a headbutt to knock him off. They crossed a bridge to the 3rd pillar, from which a white Sammer shot sword beams. August blocked the beams with his blade until he was able to cut the guard down.

A bridge led them to an area above a street, covered with raving spike-headed Sammers. They raised and waved banners, and it seemed the only way to advance was to grab the poles and hop between them. Also curious was that the banners had food on them—“KENDRA, KENDRA, FEEEEED THE KENDRA! She’s big and she’s fat and she looks like that!”

Kendra was stomping up the road, eating the food off the banners. The Marzipans hurriedly hopped the poles! Two of them quickly shifted side-to-side, making them tricky to jump, and the next round of banners sank up and down in the spiked crowd. Past this, they could land atop a snake-dragon made of food, raised by the crowd as Kendra stomped to munch it as well. Sammers leapt onto the dragon to attack the intruders, Augustus kicking them off. Some people were shaking giant pies, which could be used as platforms. Due to their swerving, it was hard to balance and jump the pies.

The crew jumped and clung to a very tall pole wrapped in sausages. The Kendra chomped the bottom as the rest slowly sank into her mouth, and it seemed the crew couldn’t climb fast enough. All they could do was keep away from Kendra, but to their fortune, a gate opened on the nearby wall as some Sammers came to drop more food down, but the crew could thankfully jump in and escape the giant. They were in a small plaza, but the way forward was blocked by a barrier. There was a hole in one of the buildings, so Augustus sent Nel inside.

The cavechild found herself inside a bar of Sumo Sammers. She stayed down and silent, quietly creeping along the floor like an oversized rat. The big-bellied Sammers could not see past their bellies as they guzzled sake in bliss. So long as Nel stayed away from their boots, she could locate a key hanging on one’s belt, swipe it, and crawl her way back to Aughsucks. They opened the barrier to a walkway leading over a spike-headed crowd. A spike-armored Sumo Sammer curled up and rolled, so August applied Haki to grab him safely and throw.

The rest of the walkway was suddenly warped to a sub-dimension by some Space Sammers. The neon Sammers would warp around the area and slash beams. The crew returned to the start and noticed a Pop Gum bushel, August using Nel to shoot them at the warping Sammers. Once all had fallen, the bridge returned from the sub-space. They fully crossed the spiked crowd and came to a ramen pool divided in segments. They would have to jump swirling chopsticks to cross the segments, but each set of chopsticks would go under noodle-falls. There were switches lined on the wall along it, so while riding the spinning chopsticks, Augustus quickly chucked his Gobstopper at the switches to stop the falls.

They took a moment to rest after that quick-thinking area. They would now have to cross a grated floor—Mini-Sammers would bounce up from under the grate and stab through their shoes, the group retreating before too much pain could be done. There was a bushel of Shrink Sweets a short way across, though they may not make it before their soles were fully punctured. Tama poofed Shadow Clones and formed a stack with her on top. The bottom Tama crossed the grate, was repeatedly stabbed, and poofed. The second Tama continued, then was poofed, but the main Tama could land on the safe foothold in time. She took three Shrink Sweets and returned with the same tactic. The three crewmates ate them and minimized.

With their smallness, they could cross the bars of the grated floor, the Sammers’ swords unable to poke them. Past the grate, a small slope led them to a bushel of Growth Gum, and past that was a main road with tables of more food. “Keep yer ears open, boys.” A Mogma sniper ordered, several others scanning the tables on platforms. “Don’t let those intruders mess up Kendra’s feeding any further.”

“I don’t like the look of this.” Augustus said. “Nel, only you eat the Growth Gum. Stay under the tables and carry us quickly. Take a few more pieces for us, though.” Nel nodded and chewed the gum, puffing back to normal. The other two rested in the eye sockets of her skull mask as Nel crept under the tables.

“Kendra, Kendra, Big Booty Kendra! Where are you at, getting quite so fat~?” With Kendra storming up the road, Nel had to crawl quickly. She managed to evade detection from the Mogmas, whose platforms would crumble when Kendra came, and the cavegirl was able to find a Minish operative taped under a table. After passing the tables and snipers, Nel could run normally over the food-cluttered ground, the route turning left over a ramen river.

There was a Pokio, so Tama ate the gum next to puff to normal and feed the bird. Carrying little Augustus, she and Nel rode the bird, who had to stick its beak in the building walls and fling further along. Some parts were metal and couldn’t be poked, a fact they were wary of while proceeding. They landed on a platform with a Balloon Gum, which Tama quickly chewed and blew a bubble to carry them up the wall. It seemed they were nearing Tsao’s palace, but Kendra clambered up the wall to munch the food being poured down. Tama steered the gum where there was less food, as it would push them down.

Once up the wall, Tama released the gum to catch her breath. There was another gum bushel, but this time it was Bounce Gum. They fed Augustus the Growth Gum to re-enlarge him, and both girls rode their captain as he bounced the gum across a crowd of Sumo Sammers, or rather their large plates of offerings to Kendra. The giant glutton was quickly munching their way, but there was luckily little to obstruct them. Hamogres slammed ham down from either side, but Augustus evaded them.

The path ended at a red Jell-O tower, adding extra strength to their bounce. They made it to the top and overlooked a Jell-O platform down below. A shadow loomed over them: somehow, the Kendra was flung up to the sky, and was going to flatten the tower. “AAAAAH!” With fear-stricken faces, they leapt down to the lower jelly platform—Kendra’s weight crushed the tower, causing that platform to spring up as a new tower, and blast them to the heavens.

“WaaaaaaAAAAHH!” Lord Tsao heard screaming and gazed up in shock: Augustus, Tama, and Nel crashed on the top of his flagpole, swapping his majestic likeness to an atrocious golden flag with Augustus’s ugly skull. (End song.)

“YOU! So, you finally show yourself at last, Augustus von Fizzuras!” The Cucco Lord drew his sword and trained it to August’s neck.

“Hey, Uncle Tsao.” August spat his lolli-stick into Tsao’s eye. “You’re as proud as ever, I see.”

“And you’re as ever envious at Lord Tsao’s remarkable talents! Coming all this way just to ruin my flag, hoff! Is there no end to your arrogance?”

“No and I won’t even argue that. What’s with the festival?”

“Our lovely Kendra will be the first to become a Titan in Tsao’s army, and she will be the strongest of all Titans! We’ll make her so big pre-transformation that her Titan form will be legendary!”

“I can’t believe you’re supporting this, Tsao. Hell, if your people become Titans, they won’t have the conscience to admire you. Plus, it’s just a terrible thing to do, but I assume that’s all you would care about.”

“Tsao receives enough admiration. But one cannot have enough power, Augustus, and Tsao deserves no worse than powerful giants to cater to his every whim.”

“Let’s just go at it and get it over with, Tsao.” Augustus drew his sword. “You know we’re dyin’ to cut each other down.”

“Only one of us, my disowned cousin. This festival is not complete without a good, bloody combat!”

“Nah, I’m in the mood for scrambled egg~” (Play “Chicken Fight” from Family Guy!)

Boss fight: Minister of Chicken, Lunch Commander, TSAO

Both swordsmen clashed their blades with vigor, the children backing away for safety. Their technique was on par, but Tsao grabbed his bladed shield and swung it to make August leap away. He surfed the shield to Augustus, who dodged and threw a Gobstopper at Tsao’s head. He was barely moved by the attack, the chicken about-facing to swing his shield. Augustus got his sword lodged between its blades, creating a stalemate as Tsao jabbed his sword underneath the shield. August shifted to dodge, then grabbed the sword in his free, Haki hand and yanked it away. He used it to knock the shield away, then dealt an “X” strike to cut Tsao into four pieces.

“YAY!” Nel jumped. “Augsus won!”

“Not yet. Look.”

Tama gazed with wonder as it seemed Tsao had melted into scrambled egg (so did his sword). The yolk puffed and hatched Tsao in archer clothing. Tsao flew away and shot a Spring Arrow to bounce Augustus across town, pushing the kids as well. They landed in a field, watching as archery targets rose and started moving. From the opposite side, Tsao tried to shoot them. Augustus tried to stay behind the targets as he dodged up. Once at Tsao, he slashed the chicken, and Tsao quickly took to the air to snipe him from above. He moved around evasively, knowing Augustus was about to throw his Gobstopper. Meanwhile, Tama revealed to Nel a Pop Gum she had taken just in case. The cavegirl ate it, and Tama used both hands to aim her at Tsao. Tama kicked her back, spitting a Pop Gum at the chicken.

His tail feathers caught fire, and in blowing it out, August whammed his beak with the Gobstopper. Tsao fell to the ground and was sliced by the Lemon Cutlass. His yolk rebirthed him into a surfer dude, flexing his muscles cockily. He stomped a switch, dropping them all down a trapdoor. The trio landed on a surfboard and Tsao his own, waves carrying them in an underground lake with fans blowing. Tsao whooshed around on his board and washed a wave over his foes, flipping them over. Augustus hauled his kids back on and swam to Tsao normally, managing to match his surfing speed. Augustus punched up to knock Tsao off the board, but he simply flapped up to avoid splashing in.

The chicken pulled a lever on the ceiling, smirking as the lake was flushed down a drain and his adversary with it. Tama glared at the cheater and made a Shadow Clone stack, Nel climbing to the top and pouncing Tsao. She chomped his head in her teeth, the Cucco trying to tug her off, but falling in the lake in the process. He swirled down the drain with the rest, and they washed out in a street. Augustus sliced Tsao, who was reborn as a biker. His sunglasses twinkling, Tsao jacked a guy and stole his bike. Augustus took a bike with a cabby, his kids riding said wagon.

Tsao dropped bombs from his bike, August evasively steering. Once close enough, Augustus threw the Gobstopper at Tsao’s back wheel, breaking it, but Tsao was quick to fly off before August could ram him. The chicken grabbed the bike to whack him with it, so August cut his bike free of the cab and clashed with him. Nearby citizens thought they were cuckoo fighting this way. The links of Tsao’s wheel split as he smashed it over Augustus, trapping his neck as he whirled the bike and slammed him into a wall. August sliced the wheel from the bike, rolled around Tsao, and severed him again.

Just as his yolk hatched, Tsao zipped into a building window. August leapt after… they were in a kitchen? Chef Tsao was proudly chopping a celery—he tossed the knife at Augustus, who ducked. Tsao grabbed a hot pan as a weapon, August countering with his sword. The captain was backed into a wall, glancing up at a shelf of condiments. He grabbed salt and chucked it at Tsao’s eyes, the Cucco sneezing. August stabbed him, but Tsao was able slam the pan at his arm, August yelping from the heat. Tsao whacked him against a counter, knives falling off. Augustus grabbed and threw them into Tsao, followed by cleaving him in two.

When Tsao rebirthed, he was a sumo wrestler. With a palm thrust, Augustus blew out of the building’s wall, and Tsao leapt through the roof to crush him. Augustus hacked spit and tried to stab him, but Tsao leapt off. Tsao leapt belly-first, Augustus meeting his gut with his fist. Tsao smacked his sword away and grabbed Augustus’s shoulders, the captain thrusting rapid punches into the chicken’s belly. After enough solid hits to the stomach, Tsao began to grow sick and lose his grip. Augustus then leapt behind, grabbed Tsao’s head, and twisted until it came off. As he morphed into an egg, Augustus recovered his sword and readied to face the ninja Tsao.

He whirled nun-chucks and hardened them with Haki. He dodged August’s strikes and whacked the boy with the chucks. August chucked the Gobstopper at his face, Tsao dodging, August stabbed near his left, Tsao returned—the Gobstopper bounced off the building behind and hit his head, distracting Tsao enough for August to knock the chucks away. Augustus stabbed him, but Tsao used Substitution with a garbage can, then the ninja threw kunai from behind. August turned sideways to slip between the blades, and in the process chucked his sword into Tsao’s head. He leapt to re-grab the blade and force it down Tsao’s body. He split into yolk again and became his base form.

“Hoff…hoff… A wretched brat could not hope to match Tsao.” The Rito gasped, bleeding in the waist.

“Can’t I? Looks like your injuries are catching up to you.” Augustus smiled. “The Egg Fruit makes your skin softer, but prevents you from dying to fatal injuries. Regardless, your pain catches up after a while. All I gotta do is cut you up a few more times.”

“You had luck battling one Tsao at a time. But try to battle ALL OF THEM!” Tsao leapt away, drew a syringe, and injected.

“Crap!” Augustus cursed, watching as Tsao’s body morphed and swelled into yolk. With a greater BURST, he was reborn again in a golden robe, flowing hair, and sparkling feathers.

“Now Tsao is All ’Round Talent! There is nothing he cannot do!” Tsao drew a bow and shot multiple arrows, August cutting them away. He flew to a bike and rode it around, still shooting arrows, circling Augustus before jumping to sumo-slam him to the ground. Augustus stabbed him, Tsao leaping off and using doctoring to spread medicine and bandages. He leapt to a garbage can and used garbage man talent to throw bags at Augustus, and while he was dodging them, Tsao bent a fire hydrant at the right angle to shoot a gush of water and push him back.

“Ho HO! Tsao was already perfect, but now he is more perfect than ever! Dr. Pickles unlocked the way to awaken all of Tsao’s talent and strength! A one-minded boy like you could never match us!”

“Heh… all the Tsaos, huh?” Augustus opened a new lollipop. “So, tell me… Which ‘Tsao’ is the best at their talent?”

“The archer/fireman/doctor/cook/cab-driver… HUH?!?” It seemed like Tsao choked on a bunch of different answers, then his eyes tried to look into himself.

“It’s one thing to be talented at everything, but even those people have a talent they excel at. What’s yours?”

“Obviously, the original Tsao, who is a swordsman! Pah! The archer Tsao could snipe a fly 100 miles away. What if Tsao gets injured, who’s going to treat him? THE FIREMAN?! WELL, Doctor, I’d like to see YOU put out a forest fire! No one hangs six like Surfer Tsao, ‘dude.’ Surfing is just a lazy man’s way of biking! And can bikers stealthily sneak into an enemy fortress? I don’t think so. Any respectable Tsao knows that STRENGTH is the key, ergo it is I, Sumo Tsao! You are not stronger than I!” He punched himself. “I am when I use numbing medicine!” He injected a syringe. “Coffee Tsao has a countermeasure!” He drank a sizzling cup. “Blech! This coffee displeases Dentist Tsao! It is I! No, I! I am the better Tsao! It is crucial to know how to drive! I’ll bet you couldn’t deliver a baby chick!”

Augustus watched with disbelief as the commander beat himself up. He snuck a look at Dr. Pickles’ research notes, remarking their accuracy. Tsao’s Egg Fruit allows him to be ‘reborn’ with different talents. Although his base personality is retained between forms, if his psyche changes to become more adapt with different talents, it is possible the different ‘Tsaos’ each have their own psyche that happens to be replicated from each other. If the Awakening Serum awakens all of Tsao’s talents at once, it is possible the different ‘minds’ will be melded together.

“YOU WOULD NOT EXIST if not for Original Tsao! You needed Archer Tsao because you KNEW you were inferior! No, he obviously wanted a doctor! Well, Doctor, what’s the treatment for this?!” He tried to choke himself.

Tama and Nel walked up to Augustus, looking confused. “What hast happened, August’n?”

“Poor guy just can’t figure out what to do with his life.” He handed them both lollipops. “On some level, I respected Tsao’s arrogance. I’m pretty big-headed myself. But at least I know I’m not good at everything. That’s why I need a crew. And the lesson here is, as long as you accept your limitations, you can be as proud as you want. But trying to cover too many skills will just destroy you. Especially if you just get them through drugs.”

Tama and Nel shared a smile. Feeling like they learned something, they ate their lollis. “Well, let’s get back to ship and call the ops. Tsao should be knocked out by the time they arrive. We, on the other hand, have a wedding to prep for.” (End song.)

After a while, the Raccoons saw the familiar ships of the Marzipan, Luxury, and Story Pirates. Behind the Marzipans’ was the Ivory Castle, for they were informed beforehand that a Commander was convinced to join them. Even now, Augustus was seated on the deck of his ship with Pea in his lap, sharing a laugh over Tsao’s embarrassing end.

“Although, I guess this kinda breaks my promise.” Augustus said. “I didn’t beat up Tsao myself, did I?”

“It’s okay, Augustus. That was way more fun!”

“Aww, I’m happy, Pea. …But I hope you’re happy with taking Grandma down.”

Pea frowned and looked away. “I’ve been taking orders from Grandma’s spirit ever since I was six. She was sometimes scary, but I thought she was silly. But after this… I think…I think Grandma’s soul needs to rest…”

“Yeah… Resurrection ain’t really healthy, is it? I’d wanna rest, too.”

Once all allied ships were together, most of the Nextgen Pirates met within the ivory castle on the ship of the same name, where Pea was showing them a diagram of a tree. “This is where Grandma hosts her weddings.” She pointed a stick at the top of the tree. “This is called the First Tree. It was the very first Sacred Tree grown 5,000 years ago to seal Malladus, later converted to a KND treehouse like the others.”

“The First Tree…” Aurora repeated. “I vaguely remember seeing that written in the Book of KND.”

“Emily mentioned it when I visited the museum one time.” Goombella replied. “Nobody knew where it was.”

“That’s because our crew took it a bunch of years ago.” Pea explained. “It belonged to Carl, so obviously Grandma wanted to own it. Then she wanted a cathedral built on the very top. Our mages cast a spell around the tree to keep anything from landing on the top. The only way is to go through the inside.”

“Oh, I’m way ahead of you on this.” Rawberry winked. “I’ve already concocted a plan. And this guy is gonna help.”

“I got Pawtucket to spit in this bottle.” Bender held it up. “Let’s see if it does the trick.” He took a drink.

“WAIT A SEC, how old are you?!” screamed the chained brewer. “If you’re below 21, I’m gonna flip!”

“When I found out Grandma got the cake back, I hoped she would take it to the top of the tree and eat it during the wedding. If that were the case, I was going to have Bender use his immense strength to bend the entire tree and make the cake slide off.”

“He can seriously do that?” Mason asked.

“Have you forgotten that I am great?” Bender remarked.

“And I doubt Grandma would expect something like that to happen.” Rawberry continued. “I studied the height of the tree, and I’m planning to stand at the exact spot the cake will land when Bender bends it at the pre-discussed angle.”

“Wait, why’re we knocking the cake off the tree again?” Mason asked. “Shouldn’t we just destroy it as soon as we see it? Not let Grandma have a chance to eat it?”

“Yeah…” Rawberry blushed, “the thing is… I kinda wanna eat the cake.”

“Why the heck should we allow that?!” Augustus shouted.

“For two reasons. First, since I’m the original ‘Linlin,’ I’ll be more adept with the Candy Virus, and I shouldn’t go as crazy as Sherry did. But the main reason is that I’m positive the cake is connected to the ‘Foodborn’ I bred. We still don’t know whether or not the pirates have the Newborn in their possession, but if they do, they’ll definitely use it if Grandma is on the ropes. Plus, we can’t rule out Grandma having reserve power or something, so either way, if I make myself stronger by eating the cake, we’ll have a biting chance.”

“Unless you go crazy and we’ll have to fight you.” Goombella noted.

“’ey, if I ate the cake before, why can’t I eat it again?” Sheila asked. “All I’d need is the Spinach Kingdom’s spinach to make me right again.”

“No way!” Haruka yelled. “Sheila, you only ate a few crumbs, and they contained enough Light Chi that they enhanced your own. Even then, your chi was weakened during that You-Know-What Month. Eating the whole cake is a terrible idea.”

“Yeh… good point.” Sheila stared at her hand. “Heh, that’d be a terrible thing to do to me mum’s Light Chi!”

“But in the event I do go crazy,” Rawberry said, “then feel free to destroy me. However, before we go with the Bender plan, you guys need to climb to the top of the tree and manage the situation. Get the cake outside so it can slide off, make sure Sherry or none of the other pirates don’t take it…”

“You know she’ll wanna eat it as soon as we burst in.” Harry said. “It’s gonna be hella hard to get it outside, let alone distract or restrain her for long enough. It’ll be easier to try and destroy it.”

“If you really have to, I wouldn’t blame you. But please at least try. The kind of extra power that cake could give us could just be enough to help us win. …And I reaaaallllly wanna know how it tastes.” The troll drooled.

“There’s one more problem we need to address.” Pea mentioned. “There’s another spell around the First Tree that blocks out anyone who doesn’t have an Invitation. Back in January,” she raised two envelops, “Grandma handed Invitations out to all of us officers. This extra one I have was Uncle Ernesto’s… but…”

“So, that’s what these were.” Akko held up an envelop. “My friends found these on the Breakfast Club.”

“I swiped Tsao’s, too.” Augustus revealed.

“My sister got this from Smoothie’s shriveled-up body.” Dillon revealed.

“You already have some? That’s great!” Pea beamed. “How many are there?”

“Including yours, we have nine.” Aurora counted. “That’s nowhere near enough for all of us.”

“Well, Oi’m definitely going.” Sheila smirked.

“Me, too.” Akko said.

“AND ME!” Goombella jumped.

“Why do you need to go?” Augustus asked.

“She called dibs on Goomnut.” Nagisa replied. “That’s why we’re here to begin with.”

“This may be my last chance to get an actual solo battle, and with a Goomba no less!”

“I shall go, too.” Diana offered.

“I gotta be there for my bro.” Lola knew.

“Same here.” George nodded.

“Me-me-me-me!” Carol kicked her feet gleefully.

“And Bender may need one to be able to bend the tree.” Rawberry figured.

“That’s eight.” Mason counted. “Who’s last?”

“YOU, of course!” Sheila stated. “I need me first mate with me!”

“But shouldn’t Augustus be…”

“Nah, you can go with her.” Augustus shrugged. “I’ll help manage the situation below.”

“Same here.” Miyuki said. “Bring Kayla and Terry back safely.”

“Alright. It’s decided.” Aurora took a breath. “Let’s head for the First Tree ASAP. Before she eats the cake… Before Kayla and Terry are forced to marry… let’s go!”

The band of ships sailed for the horizon at full speed. Anxiety weighed on their hearts, knowing of the intense battle to come. It was time to battle their 4th Emperor… and, hopefully, end this war at last.

Chapter Text

Play “Hopes and Dreams” from Undertale!

Title Match: Emperor of the Linlin Pirates, SHERBET LINLIN

The sun shone happily over Sherry as she slashed her Soul Quartz down at the group, making them jump back and scatter. Sheila hurried up first so Harvey could focus his emotionbending. Sherry slashed quickly and viciously, Sheila nimbly dodging and spinning her left fist to build chi. They saw tears welling in the queen’s eyes under Harvey’s bending, and the sadness caused her diamond heart to glow and beat. Without giving her the chance to notice, Sheila punched a giant Light Fist at the heart, blasting the queen several yards back as she fell. She quickly punched a smaller (but still large) fist above and directed it down to hit the heart. Sherry grunted from the damage just before the Sadness wore off.

The queen recovered with a seething growl, ordering Prometheus to become a firewall to block them. Zeus, meanwhile, hovered above to strike lightning. Diana tried to shoot water spells at the fire, but Prometheus grew angrier and persevered. The witch instead flew up to Zeus and pumped him with water, inflating the cloud until he fell to the ground. They twisted Zeus to face Prometheus, leaving Sheila and Augustus to Ground Pound and spew the water over Prometheus. The firewall shrank away, allowing the group to run past. They tried to surround Sherry, who conjured and dropped Psy-Spheres on them. Sheila punched the spheres away while Harvey focused Sadness on the queen, but Soul Akko was ready to defend her friend’s heart.

The real Akko became a bunny-leopard and pounced up the queen to grab the soul in her teeth and bring it down. Sherry held the left hand over her heart, so Augustus used Bounce Gum to leap up and pull it down with his own strength. Sheila shot rapid-punches at the beating heart, Sherry grunting each time. “Hehe! So, my normal Light Fists are as big as charged fists now!” Sheila confirmed. “Thanks, Mum!” Sherry flung Augustus away and slashed a beam to scare Sheila off. The queen leapt onto a reformed Zeus and flew a mile away before landing. She conjured the Soul Arc and began launching arrows to the sky, where they would explode into smaller arrows and rain down.

Augustus called up the Ace Flyer for him, Sheila, and Harvey to ride while Akko and Diana shared a broom. They evaded the arrows and caught up to the queen, who locked an arrow on Sheila and readied to directly shoot her. Akko formed the Shiny Arc and guarded Sheila. Both archers charged their arrows and launched at the same time, creating an explosion of light. Meanwhile, Sheila traded Harvey to Augustus, who was able to get behind the queen during the light-splosion. Sherry dropped Psy-Spheres on the group afterward, but when she felt herself become sad, she covered her heart and ordered Soul Akko to fly down and kick Sheila. Prometheus blew fire at Diana, but Augustus bounced up from behind the queen and stabbed his Haki sword through her hair, into the back of her chest.

Sherry yelled from the pain and slapped her hand back to swat him off. She leapt on Zeus and took to the sky, soaring away and shooting more Soul Arcs. The group rode their broom and plane to pursue her. Sherry slashed sword beams while Prometheus flew near them to breathe fire. Diana kept the sun back with water, but when they caught up to Sherry, she encased herself in a Psy-Shield. Harvey bellowed Raging Screams at the shield to make it crack, assisted by Augustus shooting bullets from the plane. Diana flew underneath to shoot fire at Zeus to make him dry and shrivel, and once he lost his girth, Sherry plummeted to the ground, where her shield shattered. The group shot down after, and when Sherry noticed Sheila charging her fist, the queen formed a bouncy bubble around her heart.

The group landed as Diana used magic swords to cut up the bubble and Harvey channeled Sadness onto Sherry. The queen formed a cluster of Psy-Spheres around her heart in preparation for Sheila’s attack. Augustus, however, was spinning his arm holding the Gobstopper, Haki imbued to it. With a swift throw, the Gobstopper bounced around and between the spheres to push them apart, at the same time Sheila fired her fist and blew Sherry onto her back. Akko was already prepared to rush up to the queen and chop the Shiny Ax onto her still-beating heart, causing a few souls to break free of the diamond and return to their owners. Sherry slapped Akko away and recovered, welcoming Prometheus onto her sword.

Sherry stabbed the flaming sword into the ground, willing fire spires to explode up from under her foes. Sheila bravely ran close so Sherry would attack directly, countering the flames with large fists. Diana carried Harvey on her broomstick, the boy crying tears with his emotionbending and shooting them at Sherry while Diana magnified them. The tears splashed over the queen and doused Prometheus. Sherry focused Psy-Spheres on the emotionbender, Diana hastily dodging the giant projectiles. She felt Sadness coming on, so the queen made another bubble shield over her heart.

Sherry felt something grab her ankle, looking back to see Akko using Shiny Hook and Augustus assisting her in tugging it. Sherry slashed a sword beam at the hook, but Sheila blocked it with a Light Kick, repeating the maneuver until the two were able to bring Sherry down on her front. Sheila leapt atop the queen and lay rapid-punches on the back of her beating heart. Sherry rolled on her back to crush her, but with the Sadness still active, Augustus was able to leap up and stab his Haki sword through her bouncy bubble and stab the heart. Sherry smacked him off and stood, looking for Sheila, but saw she was missing from the crater. The captain was clutching Grandma’s hair, clambering to the head to swing a Sunny Foot in Sherry’s eyes. She was blinded long enough for Diana to shoot magic swords in the heart just before the Sadness wore off.

Sherry bellowed in anger and ordered Zeus to expand to eclipse the sky, blocking the sun from Sheila. She then leapt onto Prometheus, riding the sun skyward. Sherry rose her sword like a lightning rod and directed pink bolts down at her foes. She was targeting Harvey, so Diana caught the bolts on her wand and redirected them. Sheila leapt into Augustus’s plane so he could fly her to the sky. Sherry caught sight of this and chased them, slashing sword beams while Prometheus spat fire. Augustus nimbly dodged Zeus’s lightning, flying ever skyward, and to prevent Sherry from catching up, a mouse Akko jumped out of the plane, fell toward the queen, and exploded into an elephant to sit on her face. Sherry stabbed at her, but Akko became an orangutan and swiftly pulled the sword away, throwing it away and jumping off.

Sheila charged a Light Beam and punctured a hole through Zeus, allowing August to fly them above the cloud. The pilot flew them closer to the sun as Sheila basked in its light and molded a giant Light Sphere. Zeus’s face turned inside-out to glare at them. Once at full charge, Sheila unleashed an enormous Sun Beam at the face and blew Zeus wide open. Once Sherry was revealed underneath, Sheila directed the beam onto her. The queen countered and pushed it with a Psy-Beam, quickly overpowering Sheila’s, but the determined lass applied more power to keep it back. Prometheus spat fire down at Diana and Harvey as they were flying up. Diana shot ice swords to cool the sun, while Harvey was able to Sadden the queen.

Augustus locked onto the queen’s heart and shot bullets, but after the first shots, Soul Akko defended her friend. Sheila ceased her beam, and Augustus quickly dodged Sherry’s beam. Sheila dove down at Sherry, spinning into a Light Drill, but the queen was ready to slice her out of the sky. Alas, Akko swooped by and caught Sheila on the Shiny Balai, just as Sherry lashed her blade, then Sheila jumped off again to successfully pound the diamond heart. Sherry was forced off the cooled Prometheus and crashed onto the planet. Sheila bounced up and slammed double fists on the heart for extra damage, afterwards escaping the angry queen.

The kids felt the soil rumbling as huge mounds with creepy faces rose like waves. Sheila screamed and dodged the Soul Soil as they tried to bite her like serpents. Her teammates returned down, using their powers to destroy the faces, but Sherry sent spirit balls around to give more life to the soil. “If I can’t eat the cake, I’ll eat the planet instead!” Rawberry declared, rushing to their aid to chomp any face that threatened them. With her help, the team could make their way to Sherry, who willed Soul Flowers to grow from the ground and wrap them in vines. Augustus’s keen swordplay chopped the flowers, but he flipped back to avoid Sherry’s blade.

The ground was trembling as it seemed an entire sentient forest was stampeding their direction. Sherry rode a reformed Zeus to the sky, letting the Seducing Woods envelop her foes. All the trees and bushels had faces and were bobbing, the ground itself was twisting and distorting their direction. Sherry landed in a random part of the forest, charging power in her sword. Part of the forest cleared a path so Sherry could slice a devastating beam, the kids just narrowly evading. Sheila ran toward Sherry, but the forest closed up and distorted her direction.

“O Forest Spirits, please hear my call~” Akko and Diana recognized the soothing voice of Lotte, their bookworm friend flying above the forest and singing with a magnified voice. “Please allow my friends to find the way, oh please let them find the way~” The Seducing Woods were warmed by her words, stirring the ground in a way that brought them directly to Sherry. The queen growled and slashed a spin-attack that destroyed the surrounding woods, and Prometheus began to set them on fire. Harvey channeled Sadness, but Sherry exploded Psy-Spheres around her, forcing the group to retreat.

Sherry bathed in the flaming forest, the fires growing higher and hotter. Before Sherry could suffocate them all, Sheila quickly gave Harvey some Flurp to rehydrate him. Akko formed the Shiny Sprinkler, which Harvey cried massive tears into, and the sprinkler sprayed water across the surrounding forest to douse the flames. Sherry growled and lashed a beam at the sprinkler, Akko quickly pulling it aside. Harvey spread his Sadness to the queen, who formed a barrier, but a swift, charged throw of the Gobstopper made it into the barrier. Augustus had chucked it with a spin-throw, causing the Haki-imbued ball to drill against the queen’s heart. As Sherry angrily knocked it off, Diana struck a spot with a barrier-disabling spell, allowing Sheila to smash through and punch the queen’s heart.

The barrier disabled, so Sherry hopped onto Zeus, who burned a constant beam of lightning directly down as he tried to fly over the kids. Augustus carried Harvey one direction while the witches and Sheila ran another. Diana used Lumos Solem to give Sheila a strong source of light, allowing her to quickly empower her charge. She unleashed a beam to disperse Zeus and bring Sherry down, then they all surrounded her, Augustus dodging Sherry’s beams while Harvey channeled more Sadness. “AAAAAHHH!” Sherry heard Sheila’s cry and slashed behind her, Sheila ducking the beam as she spun both fists. Not holding back, Sheila unleashed a storm of punches at the queen’s heart. Though the Sadness had come to Sherry, Soul Akko was knocking the fists away with aggression.

Harvey channeled Anger onto Sheila at the same time, putting more flare to her punches. Soul Akko started to panic, quickly overpowered by the rapid-fire as the fists hammered Sherry’s heart repeatedly. Akko got beside the captain and readied to loose a Shiny Arc at the queen’s heart. “I’m giving Molly’s soul back to her, and you’re giving back MINE!” (End song.)

“ENOOOUUUGH!” A spire of pink light erupted around Sherry, and the queen vanished in a blink. Akko dispelled her Arc, confused as they searched around.

“Dammit, she teleported!” Akko cursed. “Ugh…I thought for sure we would’ve beaten her by now; back then, all it took was a giant arrow to puncture her heart.”

“True, but that was a result of her genuine emotions.” Diana replied. “Using an emotionbender to give her artificial sadness hasn’t the same effect. Either that or her soul is simply stronger.”

“Here’s something I don’t get.” Augustus began. “How come she never uses her psychic to grab us?”

“I noticed that as well. I believe it is a drawback of her deal with Mew: though she was given stronger psychicbending, she is not allowed to grab others with it. Thank goodness, or else we may not ever win.”

A violent earthquake knocked everyone off-balance. Before they could search long for the source, a gargantuan structure suddenly eclipsed the sky. “CASTLE~ CASTLE~ CASTLE~”

“You fools have pissed me off for the last time! With the full power of my soul… I will crush you with SOUL CAKE CASTLE!”

A storm of beams rained onto the field. The Luna Nova witches cried from being struck; though the beams left few wounds, their souls were seen ascending to the castle. About 30 witches lost their souls and fell. A beam fell toward Nebula, but Cheren blocked it with the Mirror Shield.

“AAAAAHH!” Sheila’s group cried when a beam fell their way—a giant swordswoman jumped in the way and slashed the beam with her sword.

“So, it really was you, Augustus.” Sasha faced down at her cousin with a smile. “You look slightly taller than the last time I saw ya.”

“Back at you.” August smiled, dropping his lollipop.

“Looks like Grandma activated Soul Cake Castle, but between you and me, I know a secret about it. There are five different Soul Points inside the castle that Sherry uses to control it. I asked Grandma after the first time she used it and that’s what she told me. Maybe if we destroy those, the castle will collapse.”

“Are you gonna help us?” Akko asked.

“That place is a little too high for me, but I can at least help you guys up.” Sasha got a bow out. “You ready?”

“AYE!” cheered Sheila. Sasha scooped the five up in her hand and placed them on a giant arrow.

“I’ll send up some of the others after you! Hang tight!” With a tight, careful aim, the arrow FLEW for the castle at rocket speed! (Play “Vs. Marx” from Smash Brawl!)

Phase 2: SOUL CAKE CASTLE

The five heroes landed on a walkway of the castle, immediately being bombarded by cannonballs. They frantically dodged the fodder and made way toward an entrance. The door grew an angry face and remained firmly shut, but Sheila’s mighty fist shattered it easily. They were inside a weapons storage, where spears came to life and bounced toward them. Augustus sliced the weapons down, and Diana formed a barrier to protect them from sentient guns. Akko turned all the guns into flowers, and once all weapons were defeated, they hurried into a hallway. Whomp-Tarts sprung up and tried to fall on them, but the group dodged back as Sheila and August smashed them with their fists.

They entered a normal-size bathroom, where the fruit-flavored soap slid around the floor to trip them and the piping-hot shower faucets sprayed them. Augustus spotted a Rock Candy and went to eat it, encasing himself in crystal rock as he rolled and smashed the soap. Diana froze the shower faucets, but as they hurried through, toilets came to life to barf water and push them back. August struggled to roll against their force, so Sheila punched his rock to blast him through and shatter the toilets. Before they could reach the exit, the towels leapt off the racks and tried to smother their faces. Harvey cried large, dense tears to soak the towels to a point where they became too heavy.

Exiting the bathroom, they headed up a stairway—the stairs became a slide and brought them down. The stairs’ face chuckled goofily, but was KO’ed by Sheila’s kick. Diana changed them back to normal so they could walk up and enter the library. They spotted a glowing pink totem, but the bookshelves surrounded the Soul Point in circular fashion. As they maneuvered around the shelves, books came to life, flapping like wings as they swooped down to bite them. Against her better wishes, Diana burned the books. They jumped through gaps between the rotating shelves and arrived at the core. The five kids unloaded their power on the Soul Point and destroyed it, feeling the castle rumbling as a result.

Sasha launched Sector IC up to the castle. They smashed through the window of the Coffee Sauna, where sentient steam clouds blew their burning breath onto them. George Stopped and waved his hands through the steam to disperse them. Coffee coal rolled up and tried to jump against the kids, so Miyuki willed them to age and dissolve. The planks of the sauna flipped up and tried to whack them, Lola spanking them back. They exited the sauna to a swimming pool, and with barriers on either side, the team had to swim the pool. Inner-tubes floated over as one tried to strangle Terry. Lola bit and deflated it, doing the same to the others. The foam noodles spat water bullets that MaKayla smacked back with Rewind Deflect.

After crossing the pool, they entered a weight room. The peppermint dumbbells tried to smash them, and rather than fight, the timebenders Stopped the heavy enemies. They did the same to the exercise bikes that sped off their stations, but a bench-press was automatically thrusting in-and-out, its weights hammering before the exit. The timebenders couldn’t Stop it, so Terry and Lola combined their strength to hold it in place while their friends passed. Afterwards, Terry pulled his sister in a Veil to slip them through. In the locker hallway, random lockers would fall over to crush them, and a horde of basketballs were bouncing from around the corner. Lola’s teeth punctured and deflated the edible balls on their way to the gym.

The Soul Point was stationed on a platform, requiring someone to clear an obstacle course (if they tried to fly up, a barrier would appear). MaKayla was the best choice for this: she easily climbed the swinging poles with bare hands and feet, swung the hoops that tried to bite her, and gracefully ran a balance beam that was turning. She climbed elevated ladders, whose bars tried to snap on her fingers and toes, she swung some spinning hoops, and finally landed on the Point’s platform. MaKayla destroyed it with a charged Chrono Beam, the castle rumbling as she dropped to her friends and helped them defend from the aggressive mats. “I can feel my Chrono Staff nearby! Follow me!” Kayla ran ahead.

The Luxury Pirates were flung atop another tower (Carol was given the Growth Formula to return to normal age). Cherry Bombs tried to explode, but Weiss froze them. She made an Ice Slide to a castle window, the six sliding down and breaking into a giant study. The marshmallow couch cushions tried to squish them, Raleigh’s Pichu electrocuting and roasting them. Giant pens spewed jelly on the floor and glued them, so Kokichi used Infinite Deception to turn their shoes into tongues. His friends were naturally disgusted, but the shoe-tongues allowed them to cross the jelly. They exited the study to a hallway of elegant vases and statues. Monstrous flowers sprouted out of the vases to bite them, while the statues threw globs of clay-dough.

Carol downloaded Game-and-Watches with hedge-trimmers to cut the plants. Pacifica grabbed the statues in chains and smashed them against the floor. The team exited to a garden, where hedge statues of tigers came to life and pounced them. Ciel showed the tigers no mercy and diced them up. They had to run up some stairs, which again became a slide. Weiss conjured her own ice-stairs to help her friends up. Medusa sprinklers were guarding this level of the garden, flailing hose-hair and trying to stab them. Pacifica grabbed the hoses in chains and threw the Medusas into each other. Gargoyles guarded the doorway, but by linking his pistols into a sniper, Ciel shot them with enough force to shatter them.

The rich crew entered the ballroom, where the Soul Point was. Chandeliers dropped and rapidly swung around the room. “Super Fist of Infinite Deception: the chandeliers’ dates fall in love with other chandeliers. Their romantic stories end in tragedy after accidentally drinking kerosene.” Thanks to Kokichi’s creative thinking, the chandeliers died. The floor panels rose up like helicopters and launched at them, Ciel swiftly shooting and shattering them. There was a mural of angels on the ceiling, and those angels descended and shot arrows. Raleigh sent Magnemite up to zap the angels into submission. Carol ordered Gamen to attack the Soul Point, Ciel shot bullets, Weiss icicles, Raleigh ordered all his Electric Pokémon to zap it, and Pacifica squeezed it in chains. The generator was destroyed.

Sheila’s group was racing up a wide stairway, sentient barrels bouncing down as the captain destroyed them with Light Fists. At the top, they smashed the door down, exiting onto a balcony. They all had to drink some Fizzy Lift Soda and fly around the outside. Psychic barriers blocked them and Banzai Bills were launched. Augustus threw a spinning Gobstopper to redirect the Bills into the barriers and destroy them. They landed on a tower, running across a bridge as bombs were launched, destroying the path behind them. They drank another Fizzy Lift to float to the next tower, maneuvering around lasers that fired from below.

Zeus appeared and blew a powerful gust to keep them back. Sheila spun her foot and kicked Augustus against the wind, allowing him to reach and slice the cloud. The crew quickly floated to the tower balcony before the soda wore off. They entered an observatory, where the giant sentient telescope fired heat beams from its glass. Sheila simply absorbed the sunlight onto herself and punched a sphere to destroy the telescope. A planetarium was spinning rapidly before the planets flung toward them, Akko transforming into a horse as she back-kicked the planets away. One of the planets accidentally smashed a wall down, revealing a secret room of a moon set.

They saw the Soul Point situated on the high ceiling of the room. This room had low gravity, Akko cheering as she felt herself flying with each jump. Sentient meteors tried to crash on her, so Sheila punched them away. She and Akko made low-G leaps to stable asteroids, making their way up. Aliens would poke out of asteroids and shoot beams, but would be hammered by Sheila. As they neared the Point, Akko readied her Shiny Ax, whirling it before throwing a mighty swing, chopping the generator perfectly. The castle rumbled as they abruptly fell to the moon with increased gravity.

The team headed to a curved hallway where giant jawbreakers were rolling around. Sheila and Augustus punched the breakers away with their natural strength, but it seemed the gate was sealed by three targets. Diana cast a Magnet Spell on each target and applied the opposite attraction to the jawbreakers, making them fly against the targets and break them. The gate opened to a very long dining room, a pit of fire replacing the floor, so they had to cross the table. Segments of the table would rise higher, and Spunburgers were whirling at them, so they had to use the burgers as springs to bounce up those segments. Some of the table curtains were sentient and would try to flap them into the fire, but Diana would burn them beforehand.

The dining room led to a giant kitchen, in which they were on top of a counter. Hamogres would attempt to hammer the group, only to learn the hard way of Sunny and Stone Fists’ power. They approached a tray of giant celery, which had already been carved up as the pieces flew at them like shurikens. After Augustus cut them into smaller pieces, they arrived at the refrigerator, having to jump up its magnetic letters on the side. Ice Screams dropped down and would scream with a force that threatened to drop the letters, so Akko leapt around as a frog to quickly kick them off. Atop the refrigerator, there was a door with a slide to carry them down to a balcony. There was a Ringtrot, so the others hid in the Infi-Cube while Sheila carried them.

The Ringtrot enhanced her speed as she ran along the side of the castle. Prometheus flew alongside and blew fire, Sheila sidestepping. Sheila kicked off to a parallel wall, running along that. Whomp-Tarts popped out of toasters on the wall, Sheila evading. She then kicked off to a bridge into the main tower, racing as Prometheus burned it behind her. The embers of the fire barely singed Sheila’s tail before she blew the door open and entered the familiar dining room where Grandma had once gathered the betrothed families.

The throne room was just beyond the giant gate, and no doubt the Soul Point beyond it. After breaking the door down, they learned how right they were, with Queen Sherry herself guarding it. “Mean Akko…Diana… Grandma treated you to all this delicious food, and you show her such ingratitude?”

“We can have all the delicious food we want, as soon as we stop you from terrorizing everyone!” Akko retorted.

“She’s such a bad friend, Sherry! Lemme at ’er, you just defend yourself!”

“Yes, Akko… I leave it to you. Dead End Musical!” Sherry mustered her chi and created a Diamond Shield. The Soul Akko flew out and threw kicks at her original owner, Akko wrestling and biting the soul as if to swallow her back. Diana shot ice spells at Prometheus while Sheila threw Light Fists at Zeus. Harvey was attempting to force his emotions onto Sherry as a means to break her concentration of the shield.

“Harvey, she’s pouring all her available chi into making this shield unbreakable.” Diana stated. “You couldn’t make her upset enough to break such a concentration.”

“Guess again.” Harvey replied in a rasping tone. “Those two months, trapped in K. Rool’s base… forced to serve him, wondering if my friends were even alive… No one could focus with that much pain in their heart.”

A horrible feeling began to infect Sherry’s heart. An illusion, a dark thought began to spark in her mind: the demons had returned and were holding her hostage. All of her family had been taken away, being slaughtered one by one. Sweet little Pea, carefree Lucky, charming Hisoka, the proud and strong Tsao, everyone that she held dear were being slaughtered and she was unable to help. And her precious Akko… Her face was being skinned, her eyes full of life gouged out, blood spewing from her limbs, and her heart pumped with a toxic substance that turned her heart ugly. These were the feelings Harvey felt while in captivity, and the same despair flooded Sherry’s heart.

When the Diamond Shield began to flicker, Diana was able to break open a tiny gap with a spell, and Akko jumped in as a mouse before changing back. “Shiny Arc! Breach through time and space and take me to my destiny!” The magic arrow exploded against the floor, sucking herself and Sherry inside as the barrier disappeared.

“SHERRY!” Zeus and Prometheus panicked.

“Where did they go?!” Diana wondered.

“We’ll find ’em later, destroy it!” Sheila yelled, immediately throwing punches against the Soul Point. Her friends refocused and applied their strength, successfully destroying the last Soul Point.

Akko and Sherry landed on the ground somewhere. “Sherry, don’t be upset!” Soul Akko yelled, feeling her emotions. “I’m still here! I’m all right! Nothing bad will ever happen to me!”

“Sniff…Akko…” Sherry lovingly held the soul, heart beating under her dropped tears. Akko could only glare at them as the shadowed ground grew darker, the sky more eclipsed. “Please, stay with me… until the end…”

And it was only then Sherry felt the darkness surrounding them. Her teary eyes glanced up at the sky blocked by the falling castle. With a quake that shook the whole country, the Soul Cake Castle hit the ground, many of its towers collapsing. (End song.)

Sheila’s group climbed down the castle after recovering from its impact. Cheren and other operatives raced over. “What happened in there?”

“Akko hogged all the glory, that’s what.” Sheila replied. “She took Grandma into a portal thingy and left.”

“Actually, we just saw Grandma and Akko appear under the castle.”

“W-WHAT?!” Diana gasped. She whipped toward the castle, fearing that nothing could have survived underneath it. “She wouldn’t have… I know she…?!”

There was some rubble shaking nearby, so Diana ran to it, led by a spark of hope. …A little brown mouse poked out of the rubble. “Man, that was close…squeak.”

“AKKO!” Diana snatched her friend in hand, squeezing her painfully. “How could you do something so reckless, you barely survived that, are you insane?!”

“Your love is… killing me, Diana…” Akko choked. Diana sighed and dropped her friend, allowing her to change back.

“At least it looks like that bitch is finally dealt with.” Harvey sighed.

“I don’t think so.” Augustus replied. “I can still kinda feel her. She might still have some fight left in her. But hopefully, she won’t last long after this.”

“Akko, Diana, this is Hannah! Something’s happening to Jasminka!”

“Jasminka?!” Akko gasped. “Diana, come on!”

Inside the castle, Sector IC groggily recovered under piles of spilled treasure. “Ugh…man… They stopped the castle at the worst time…” Terry groaned.

“TADAAAAAAA!” MaKayla sprung up with Chrono Staff in hand, planting a foot on Terry’s head. “I’m back in business! …Oh, sorry Ter.” She stepped off.

“And it sounds like our friends finished off the castle.” Miyuki replied. “Is the battle over?”

“I don’t think so.” Kayla’s eyes glowed from pink to blue. “I feel like… something terrible is about to happen.”

“OOOOOOHHHHH!” The inflated Jasminka was shining with incredible power, her belly morphing in all sorts of shapes.

“The cake is finally having its effect on Jasminka!” Rawberry yelled.

“Jasminka!” Akko and Diana rushed up. “Jasminka, hang in there! Try to control yourself!”

“OHHHH! OOOOOUUUUUUUUHHHHH… WOOOOOHHH…” From the way she was moving, crying in sheer pain, it seemed like she would explode any moment. “Woooohhh…puff.” And in an instant, she compressed down to a normal size and spat out an egg.

“. . .” The result was the exact opposite of what they expected. All faces were pale, either from shock or disappointment. The tip of the egg resembled salad, followed by vanilla icing over a pink cake-like part, swirly lines of milk, followed by a ham exterior, and a pineapple bottom.

The top of the egg cracked. The salad broke off, followed by the cake, ham, and pineapple. The egg hatched… giving birth to a strange, impish creature. Its body was shadowy with pink eyes. It wore a salad crown with tomatoes, a three-layer cake dress with vanilla icing over light-brown dough, and little banana legs underneath. Its long hair resembled clean, golden spaghetti.

Fi jumped out of Cheren’s sword. “Master, I can confirm with utmost certainty that the being before us contains the unlimited chi akin to that of a Firstborn.”

“The…The Food Firstborn…” Cheren whispered. “It was… inside Jasminka?”

“It looks… appetizing??” Nebula questioned her statement.

“I see…” Rawberry smiled, going to lift the Newborn in her arms. “I don’t know how Jasminka ended up with it… but it cooks like it wasn’t going to hatch unless it was fed the Royal Cake. Since they both originated from my DNA, it makes sense they would share the same power.”

“You ain’t gonna eat it yourself, are you?” Sheila asked.

“Nooo! Who would dare eat their own child?” Rawberry tickled the infant’s cheek. “My cute little… Gourmerry.”

“Gourmerry?” Cheren repeated.

“She’s a gourmet and a merry little thing. Aren’t you?”

“Gour…merry…” The baby muttered.

Their hearts were warmed by its innocence, delighted by the arrival of new life. Although concern weighed in their hearts, knowing they would have to be wary and protective of the Firstborn… the fact such a sweet-looking soul could be born at the climax of a war could have been a sign of hope for this world.

“GRAAAAAH!” Sherry BURST out of the ground, flinging Rawberry away, and Gourmerry blew into the air. The queen CHOMPED the tiny Newborn in her teeth. “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH…!” Power coursed and erupted through her veins, blinding everyone until… she seemed to explode on the spot.

“GOURMERRY!” Rawberry cried.

“What the fuck…” Akko whispered.

“Heh. Old fat-arse destroyed herself.” Sheila smirked. “Mission accomplished.”

“Hm hm hahahahahaha…” The entire planet began rumbling violently. “HA HA HA HA hahahahaha…” The operatives felt their selves rising to the sky, the castle toppling over. “HWAH HWAH HWAH hwah ha ha…” They fell over a cliff, falling miles to the surface, and passing an incomparably massive eye, nose, and a miles-wide mouth whose laugh was heard by all. “HWAAAAH HWAAAAAH HA HA HA…” The entire upper body of Sherry Linlin had become a mountain, visible from outer space. “HWAAAAH HAH HAH HAAAAH…”

“Sh-Sh-Sh…Sh-Sh…Sherry?” Akko stuttered.

“I am… Soul Cake Planet… I am Sweetopia… I am the god of all things edible… All the souls in the universe… will be mine. We will all… be… together…” (Play “Andross Brain” from Star Fox.)

The earthquake dramatically intensified as the planet itself was flying. Every town in Sweetopia was crumbling, screams of horror filled the planet. The KND’s eyes shrank in terror as they were nearing Harnita. Seeing the sky become eclipsed by the looming planet, the Harnitans cried as their very souls spewed out of their bodies, to be lost within the bowels of Sweetopia. “WHAT DO WE DOOOOOOO?!?!” cried Sheila.

“I dunno, but here comes PUMPARIA!” Nebula cried in despair, knowing Pumparia was about to suffer the fate of Harnita.

But as if by a miracle, the quaking stopped, as did their flight. A blue ray of light eclipsed the whole world. “GUYS!” MaKayla rushed out, raising a glowing Chrono Staff.

“MaKayla?!” Cheren exclaimed.

“It looks like I already traveled through time. My future self is at the Great Clock, trying to Rewind the planet back to its start. It’s not going to affect the people on it, so we need to destroy that monster!”

Akko raised her Shiny Rod and declared, “Phasansheer Shearylla!” Her sacred wand transformed into a giant, powerful bow. “If enough people give us their hopes and wishes, Diana and I can launch a powerful attack with the Shiny Ballista!”

“But we’ll never be able to get enough peoples’ attention in time!”

“Then we’ll ask the souls to help us!” Lotte yelled. “We’ll fly inside that monster and I’ll call for all the captured souls to fly into Akko’s Ballista! I mean, as long as we destroy her afterward, they should return to their bodies, right?!”

“Just remember something, ladies!” Sheila fist-palmed. “The final blow goes to me! After all, you all don’t want blood on your hands, right?”

“I wouldn’t count this either way.” Diana said. “Even so, we will need your strength.”

Phase 3: SWEETOPIA

The witches, IC, and Sheila boarded the Stanship while Augustus, Rawberry, and Harvey rode the Ace Flyer. They soared up the moving mountain as Sherry’s godly mouth spat meteors down. As the ships destroyed the sentient comets, souls burst out. Lotte called with the rhythm of the music, “All souls, put your faith in Akko! Pray for this war to end! Pray to return home and live happily! You can trust us, so please lend us your power!” The souls deemed Lotte’s words far more pleasing than Sherry’s bowels, so they soared into the Ballista. Further up the mountain, enemy ships tried to shoot them down. Augustus flew up, evasively dodging their fire. Rawberry dropped on one to eat it up, and Harvey melted one in his boiling Anger. The souls onboard were freed.

Queen Sherry’s gargantuan eyes loomed over them, more ominous and terrifying than ever. Gigantic Psy-Spheres descended, the timebenders slowing them so the Stanship could maneuver around. Two spheres were closing in from either side quickly, so Constanze slowed the ship to let them impact and bounce away. A circle of spheres were closing in, so she stomped the boost to get through. Sherry’s eyes glowed as gigantic lasers fell, the ships carefully and evasively swerving around their piercing gaze. The size of the Stanship was burned just a tad before the lasers disabled. At last, the kids arrived at Sherry’s tremendous mouth, but the mountainous teeth sealed with a quake.

Constanze transformed the keel of her ship into a drill. She stomped the gas straight toward a tooth and began to burrow through the candy. Constanze backed away when the gums slithered down in the form of giant jelly slimes. They blasted and melted the gums, releasing the souls as Lotte called them in. Augustus was taking down enemy ships, both keeping ever focused on their assignments. After 10 minutes, Constanze drilled a perfect hole through the tooth, and Augustus flew in after them. Inside Sherry’s titanic mouth, the tongue rose as tentacle-like tastebuds rose and wrapped around them. The Stanship shook vehemently, Augustus sliced the tastebuds, and Rawberry and Lola bit them.

The ships were freed and kept flying, but Great Asparaguses were surfing the sea of buds to feast on them. They dove at them with gaping mouths, so the ships fired strong lasers in with good timing, splicing the vegetables. The tremendous cavern shifted side-to-side as the teeth tried to chomp them, requiring them to tightly turn that direction so as to dodge the quaking bites. When the right teeth bit, they wouldn’t go back up, for they grew faces and spat globs of plaque. When they were taking breaths to charge, the timebenders and Sheila shot beams into the mouths to explode them from inside, freeing more souls.

The enormous uvula displayed its goofy face, trying to swing into them like a wrecking ball. The Stanship flew to the roof of the mouth, leaving Augustus to distract the uvula. Harvey channeled Sadness to weaken the uvula’s resolve, allowing August to score a few shots on it. Once near the top of the stem, Constanze used the drill to burrow through it. The mouth rumbled violently, but Constanze maintained control until the uvula perfectly snapped off, freeing the souls within. The mouth flooded with juicy vomit, both ships shooting up to the ceiling, practically having to hug it as the wave almost reached them. Eventually, it sank away, so they continued flight beyond the mouth.

Giant cells that looked like anglerfish intercepted them as they flew toward the brain. Harvey shot Fear Spheres to stun the fish, leaving the pilots to shoot them down and take their souls. Bones erected from random directions, some of them stabbing the Stanship, but Constanze shook them free and readied the drill to puncture any following bones. Some of the bones popped open and spewed cheese-flavored marrow, which drenched the Stanship and took the form of Marrow Men. Terry caught them in Shadow Possessions, squeezing and smashing them until the souls came out. Flying deeper into the queen’s skull, they had arrived at Sherry’s brain.

The brain grew a face resembling that of Her Majesty, her laugh ringing in their ears. The brain moved around like a UFO, releasing a pair of eyes connected to it via electric beams. The eyes attacked their own ship, shooting Psy-Spheres. Constanze shot lasers at their eye, but it would fly away and grow wider to shoot bigger spheres. Sheila and Lola combined fists and hands to knock the spheres away, Constanze driving closer. Hannah and Barbara cast Solem to give Sheila a quick boost, and the captain spun to charge her power before releasing a giant Light Fist at the eye, blinding and destroying it.

The other eye pursued Augustus in a fast, drilling fashion, the pilot speeding as fast as possible while Harvey shot teardrops flaming with Anger. The eye suffered enough burns until it retreated. It then spun around their side, shooting illusory eyes, some of which scratched the plane. The real eye abruptly launched, ramming and swirling them out of control. The riders barely held on until Augustus stabilized the plane. The eye repeated its maneuver, August quickly dodging, and when the real eye launched, Harvey blasted it with an Angry Tear. The eye retreated and flew faster, launching more illusions before it dove—Rawberry caught it in her teeth and spurted its jelly out.

The brain flew at them directly, wriggling the tentacles at its base. It deflected all of their attacks, but Augustus noticed the weak bump on its back. When he landed a few shots, the brain teleported behind them. Harvey tried to spread Sadness to the brain, but it kept pursuit. Augustus swerved left and braked, letting the brain pass—it caught the plane in its tentacles regardless, squeezing them as their craft compressed and crumbled. The Stanship got behind to shoot the weak point, forcing the brain to drop the victims and teleport. The ship flew down and caught the three on its deck. The brain chased them again, so Constanze began to tightly turn right while the timebenders slowed the brain.

With enough constant turning, the Stanship landed hits on the weak point, so Sherry teleported far away. A barrier was formed, so Constanze began to drill through while Sheila and Lola smacked away incoming spheres. The process repeated for two more barriers, but upon passing the third barrier, the brain flew up and trapped their whole vessel in its tentacles. Luckily, Lola grabbed Rawberry and jumped out, the bat flying them to the weakness. They sank their teeth into the bump, tearing as painfully as possible. The brain dropped the ship and tried to grab them off, but the powerful teeth successfully detached the weakness. The ship flew away before the brain exploded, releasing thousands of souls.

Although the “brain” was destroyed, it seemed that the queen was still conscious. The only way to go was down, straight toward the diamond heart. The skull was crumbling as the sentient debris tried to fall on them. Augustus manned the cannons and shot lasers backward to destroy them. As they were sailing down the throat, the muscles twisted and bent to form a complex, snaky tunnel. Constanze tightly steered around and away from the abrupt contractions and Rawberry ate the giant food-bats that lurked in the depths. The glow of Sherry’s heart was just around a turn, but a sudden gust forced them down to the stomach. Constanze twisted the ship and forced upward before they could crash in the digestive, chocolate lava.

Blarggs rose from the lava, trying to seal them in gaping mouths, so Hannah-Barbara shot quick ice spells to make the blobs cower and retract. A barrier sealed the exit to the stomach, and the kidneys served as the generators. The ship sailed along the lava to the first kidney, which grew arms with boxing gloves. Augustus drank Fizzy Lift to fly over and accept its challenge. Despite the fists dwarfing him in size, his Stone Fists were strong enough to match the kidney. They exchanged rapid-punches for a bit before August dodged down and flew closer. The fists closed in from both sides, but his superb strength kept them at bay. Once they were far enough apart, he grabbed his sword and STABBED the kidney, causing it to shrivel up.

The Stanship flew to the next kidney, enduring the Blarggs en route. This kidney grew legs and was racing along the java. August tossed Sheila a Ringtrot, enhancing her speed as she could skid the chocolate in pursuit. The kidney kicked chocolate globs back, Sheila dodging. The kidney raced up the wall, but Sheila kept after regardless, ditching her chocolatified sandals and pouring all the light to her feet. Finding itself cornered at the barrier, the kidney was pounced by Sheila, who sank her teeth into the edible substance and ate it up. The barrier disabled, the Stanship catching Sheila as they flew out of the stomach.

The glow of Sherry’s heart shone pink in the darkness, but a barrier appeared around it, connected to four Soul Points. “Akko, do we have enough power?!” Lotte asked.

“Yes… The Shiny Ballista is overflowing with power. But it isn’t just the souls. It’s…”

“YOU CAN DO IT, WITCHES!” Pea cheered outside. “Save everyone!”

“DON’T WORRY, FELLAS!” Sasha yelled to her crewmen. “The witches will stop this monster! Put your faith in them!”

“We sent the call to all Kids Next Door!” Nebula yelled. “END THIS WAR FOR EVERYONE!”

“SAVE THE WOOOOORRRRRLLLLD!” The Inklings and Octolings chanted the rhythm of their song.

“SAVE OUR FRIEEEEENNNNDS!” The Kids Next Door on base cheered.

“DIANA, AKKO, YOU CAN DO IIIIT!” cheered the witches of Luna Nova. (Play “Break Free (Lead The Way)” from Mario Odyssey!)

The Shiny Ballista shone with the colors of the rainbow, as bright as a sun. Not waiting a second longer, the Stanship flew to the first Soul Point, the timebenders shooting Chrono Beams while Constanze took down the incoming enemy ships. The Point shattered, so they flew to the next, shooting lasers up at falling Asparaguses. The giant veggies continued to bother them as Lola and Rawberry bit into the 2nd Soul Point, relying on their friends to defend them. The Point somewhat satisfied their stomachs upon destruction. En route to the 3rd, Blarggs rose all the way up from the stomach, but were frozen by the witches’ spells.

Uvulas hung down, trying to wreck them. August drank more Fizzy Lift and flew up to slice their stems while Constanze shot lasers at the Soul Point. Their combined efforts destroyed the Point. One remained, and Zeus and Prometheus guarded it. The cloud blew them away while the sun blew fire. Harvey cried a waterfall of tears and directed it up, shrinking Prometheus into a sizzle. Zeus struck a bolt of lightning, but Hannah-Barbara caught the bolt on their wands, sending it back with a discharge spell as Zeus’s vapor puffed into nothing. Constanze bombarded the Point with lasers until it was destroyed, exposing the diamond heart.

Constanze flew the ship away from the heart, while Sheila was launched up with a cannon. With all the power and hope in their hearts, Akko and Diana pulled the arrow back. “SHINY… BALLISTA!!”

The arrow of everyone’s souls and wishes flew… and was splattered by Sheila’s fist. She spun her arms with the speed of light and flew the rest of the distance to the heart. “SHINING FIST OF THE SUN AND MOON!” Her left arm flared with golden sunlight, her right arm a lunar blue light. The left fist took the shape of Marine, grinning proudly, and the right fist resembled Akko’s goofy smile. The combined fists punctured the diamond heart.

“AAAAAAAAHHHH…huh?” Queen Sherry felt as if something pierced her heart… but the pain quickly faded. The mountain stared at her landscaping arms with confusion. “Oh… ha ha ha ha ha ha…?!” Her left elbow exploded. Her right shoulder exploded. The queen trembled, gasping for breath and grasping her aching heart. Explosions erupted around her body like fireworks. She was shaking frantically from the most painful heart-attack she had ever known. The gaps within her mountain shone with light, unable to contain it. Cheren and Nebula smiled ecstatically as light filled the world. “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH…”

If one viewed the planet from the atmosphere, they would be amazed as the mountain queen transformed into a bulbous, shining, smiley face, which gave an adorable wink before exploding into millions of souls. The Harnitans’ bodies filled with life. The Mutant Titans still invading Mobius, Hyrule, or Mushroom, just as some were about to eat a handful of innocents… stopped moving. The Titans dropped their victims, and they fell unconscious after the voices left their heads. A wave of hope and happiness swept the cosmos. (Play “Memory” from Undertale.)

Princess Sherry woke under a pleasant light. Golden snowflakes covered the ground. One touched her tongue… and tasted like sherbet. The snow slowly took a form… which Sherry knew all too well. “Carl…” Slowly reaching up, she grabbed her brother… only for him to dissolve into mist. “Carl… It hurts… this pain… hurts… Is this why you left the world, Carl… Why you left me… Did I… hurt you…”

“Sherry…” The queen slowly turned to her friend… Akko… “Why do you want to keep living in this world? Why couldn’t you let your soul rest in peace?”

“This crew… This family… It was the last gift I was ever able to make for Carl. I only wanted it… to become as perfect and as powerful as possible. I wanted to meet him again… and make him proud… of what I accomplished…”

“Sherry… Carl is proud of you… I know he is… but now, he wants you to be with him. Maybe the reason you could never find him… was because you were still attached to the Mortal World. You need to let your family… make their own memories and grow on their own. But you and Carl… you have your own memories.”

“Our own… memories…?” Sherry turned to the First Tree, still in its awkward bent state. …A golden illusion of her brother stood at the entrance. “Carl… you were there… all along… How could I be so blind?”

Sherry faced down at her friend, putting a gentle finger to her cheek. “Akko… I’m sorry you had to burden yourself… with this troublesome old woman. You made my soul… feel warm again…”

“Yeah…” Akko sighed, still feeling a tad empty. “It was… an honor doing a show for you. Good-bye… Sherry.”

The queen smiled, warmed by her words. …She frowned and glared at Sheila. “And Sunny Fist, you can go die.”

“Pbbbbtttthhhh!” Sheila blew a raspberry.

Smiling peacefully, Sherry dissolved into golden mist and flowed into the First Tree. The tree straightened to full height, growing beautiful flowers. Souls flew from those flowers, filling the hearts of the fallen Luna Nova students. Hannah-Barbara’s souls returned to them. Goombella and Sector IC got theirs. And Akko’s soul returned to her heart. …Akko puffed for a bit as her soul’s leg kicked out Molly’s soul, which returned to its owner.

Princess Sherry lay to rest inside the First Tree, with her brother and their memories. Goomnut felt his pain easing within its bark. Never again would she issue an order to the Linlin Pirates. They could feel a gentle warmth radiating from the tree… and all who walked through it, all couples who would marry in the cathedral, would feel only peace. (End song.)

Everyone who had taken part in this battle were passed out. Sheila was unable to move her muscles. Akko had lost the Shiny Rod and was laid to rest with Diana on the Stanship. Those still standing felt an unusual calmness, not just on Sweetopia, but across the worlds. The Free Kingdom’s islands were returned to their worlds and were rebuilding. The Boogey Pirates began sweeping up the Titans as the Hyruleans were settling down. Mobius was steadily recovering. Rawberry was able to find Gourmerry’s respawned form among the wreckage, holding her gently. There was calmness on all the worlds.

“Hm… ’Guess that’s it.” Nebula felt weird speaking those words. “We…We won…” It felt too weird to believe, but… the Emperors were all defeated. The KND… defeated them all. No one else was going to ambush them. No one to steal their victory.

“Hehehe.” Sheila grinned. “’Guess you’re the Pirate King now, Nebula! Good on ya.”

“Haha…yep!” As weird as it felt, Nebula grinned. “Let’s go claim our prize!”

Later at Shipwreck Cove

At the climax of the war, Davy Jones tried to defeat all the remaining pirates! Everyone worked together to fight him, but here was Augustus's role.

That was until another ball rolled up and knocked them all down. Squam thought it to be an Inkling at first, but soon learned it was Augustus inside Rock Candy. He spared a grin to Squam, breaking open his shell to cut the Inkling free. Nel leapt up to stomp the crabs’ shells under her stone feet, leaping to kick other pirates trying to stop Augustus. The captain broke into the main tower’s entrance, seeing several platforms leading up it. He blew some Bounce Gum and hopped his way up the platforms before the tower could flood. He found a captain’s cabin at the top, meeting Davy Jones himself.

“This is for trying to drown my mom!” Augustus drew his blade.

“And this is for my Space-Kraken-ah!” Jones pulled his sword and clashed with the younger captain. Augustus dodged Water Whips, then Jones shot his tentacles to August’s legs, pulling him off his feet. Jones leapt to stab him, but Augustus sliced the tentacles and rolled aside. He threw a Haki punch at Jones’ sword, but it remained attached to his tentacled finger, then Jones grabbed Augustus’s arm in his claw to squeeze it. Augustus chopped Jones’ arm off, but the undead claw kept squeezing, and Jones was able to stamp him with his peg-leg, forcing Augustus against the wall.

Augustus threw his spinning Gobstopper, drilling into Jones’ “nose.” The pirate squirmed and shook it off, repairing his face, during which Augustus was able to force the claw off his bleeding arm. Jones charged and stabbed Augustus right in the stomach, the boy hacking in pain. With a glare, Augustus grabbed Jones’ arm and thrusted back against the wall, breaking through and pulling the pirate with him. Nel saw the two falling, so she leapt to KICK Jones off her captain. Jones took the sword with him, and Nel rushed to carry Augustus back to the ship to be treated. Jones emerged before them, ready to sever the couple, but had to defend from a different couple: Nagisa and Morgiana.

But that was the end of Augustus's role in the war. Now enjoy a bonus chapter that sets up the next arc!

Sweetopia; Jades Manor

“AUGUSTIIIIN! AUGUSTIIIIIN!” O-Tama screamed in extreme panic, running around the mansion in nothing but her birthday suit. “Pea-chan hath broken the treaty of peace! She hast robbed O-Tama of her garb during her bathing!!”

Augustus STAMPED Tama’s face with his palm, utterly halting her movement while sealing his eyes. “Your robe was filthy and it was falling apart, so I asked Pea’s servants to wash and sew it.”

“Don’t run around like a newborn, you silly dango!” Pea yelled, chasing after her. “Come with me to the dressing room, Tama. I want to fit you in some new clothes.”

“O-Tama needs only her robes! She is a disciplined ninja who asks for little!”

“O-Tama,” Augustus put his vest over her, the child looking up at the explorer’s charming smile, “now that the war is over, I wanna take you on a real adventure. I wanna take you to all tons of amazing places. But you’re gonna need the right clothing to survive those places. After all, didn’t you love all the amazing foods we ate on the way here? Don’t you wanna eat more?”

“Hai, August’n!” Tama’s eyes lit up. “O-Tama’s eyes water with wonder!”

“Then you should treat clothing just the same. Go with Pea and try all the outfits that suit you.”

“HAAAAAAIII!” Tama flew out of the vest and back up the hall, Pea pursuing. “No, Tama, it’s this way!”

“Ah, to be a kid not tainted by war.” Augustus smiled. …He picked up on the familiar scent of Nel, the cavewoman behind her. “You should change your clothes, too.”

“Nel’s loins are bathed in Augsus’ scent~” Nel brushed herself against him.

Within the next 20 minutes, Pea snapped photos of Tama in all sorts of outfits: the feudal Japanese girl dressed like a hipster in baggy clothes, backwards cap, and sunglasses flashing “peace” signs. She dressed in a sakura petal swimsuit, flippers, and a scuba mask. She dressed in a glittering green gown with high-heels and flowers at the toes. She dressed in cloud pattern pajamas with slippers. She dressed in a male’s business suit, frowning like a professional man. She then wore a heavy pink coat and hat with only her eyes peeping through.

Augustus waited on the mansion balcony as Pea and Tama walked out. She wore a light-green sweater with an orange skirt, along with her own orange sandals. “August’n! Is O-Tama ready for yon grander world?!”

“I would say you are! You look totally modern, O-Tam—AAAA!” An enormous hand GRABBED Augustus like a toy, squeezing his breath out.

“I FOUND him, kids!” yelled Sasha, climbing off the mansion’s side and dangling Augustus above the Kiddie Corn crowd.

“There he is! GIMME HIM!” Glonno jumped up, but Sasha kept him just out of reach.

“I wanna pway with Augus!” Jonny built a tower, but Sasha stood to her tippy-toes and raised her arm as high as possible.

“You want Augustus, kids?! Well, gooooo aaaaaaand GET ’IM!” Sasha flicked Augustus across the valley. “YAAAAAAHHH!” The kids zoomed after him as if racing for a grand prize.

“AAAAAHHH!” Augustus cried as the horde of multi-racial children gave him his umpteenth pummeling. “Dammit, Sasha! That’s SERIOUSLY not fair!”

“Knnn hee hee hee hee!” Sasha snickered mischievously, squatting over the little group. “You know the ‘Big Sibling Rule,’ if the little ones can’t do it, the big kids have to help!”

Boom! Boom! Boom! The ground began shaking, Sasha looking forward with a panicked expression. The Kiddie Corn saw the incoming monster, crying and fleeing off Augustus. “W-What the… A KREMLING?!” Sasha exclaimed.

“Ahhh, right on time!” Augustus smirked, standing up. “Brats: meet my secret crewmate. Kullin Lumsy!”

Stewie, Rallo, and Maggie were riding the shoulders of a massive, big-bellied Kremling with an innocent smile. “Hewwo, Cabain! Is all the scary fighting over?”

“AAAAAAAAHHHH!” Tama’s scream made Lumsy flinch. “What great titan doth stomp our way?!” The ninja ran up and began bashing his toes with her staff. “Back! Stay back, foul beast!”

“Waaaahh!” Lumsy backed away as though the tiny ninja were a terrifying monster, curling up in fear. “I-Is wittle human mad at K. Lumsy?”

“No, Tama, it’s okay!” Augustus restrained her. “This is Klumsy, one of my crewmen. He was too afraid to fight the war, so we let him stay home. I asked the babies to bring him to meet you all. Lumsy, this is Tama, one of my new friends.”

“New… fwiend?” Lumsy looked at her shyly.

“Ooooohhhh! August’n dost befriend such enormous reptile?” The ninja bowed and said, “O-Tama offers her sincere apologies for harming comrade.”

“Wad is she saying?”

“She’s saying she likes you and wants to be friends.” August replied. “Pick her up and give her a view.”

“Oh…okay.” Klumsy nervously held his hand down. With a wide gape, Tama jumped onto the hand. Klumsy stood to full height and raised his hand while rotating.

“WOOOOOOOW!” Her voice echoed across the whole valley. “O-Tama feels as if she hast grown bigger than the world! ’Tis different from riding plane!”

“Kid really don’t get out much.” Sasha remarked. “Which reminds me… Augustus… when’re you gonna take her back to Historia? Wasn’t she, like… illegally kidnapped or something?”

“She also ate a Devil Fruit,” Rallo replied, “so they’ll either deem her a witch and kill her, or she’ll poison their entire ecosystem.”

“Well, we went to all the trouble of bringing her to help me,” August said, “so I think we owe her an adventure. YO TAMA, get down here!”

“Hai!” Tama jumped her way down Lumsy’s body and rejoined her captain.

Augustus withdrew a paper from his vest pocket and held it down to her. It had a list of eight items: Hors d’oeuvre, Soup, Fish, Meat, Main, Salad, Dessert, and Drink. “Ohhhh…” Tama’s young eyes lit with wonder… before she proclaimed, “O-Tama canst not read!”

“Among many exciting occupations in our universe, there are Gourmet Hunters. Some hunters only focus on specific foods, like how I once focused on candy, but I long decided to open my tastebuds to the grander menu. A Gourmet Hunter’s ambition in life is to complete their own Full Course Menu of ingredients and foods they can acquire with their own power. Even the Big Mom Pirates live by this law: one can only attain a Commander or General position by completing a Full Course. In the process, naturally, their own strength or skills will develop. That’s why it’s ideal to hunt ingredients in dangerous areas.”

“Yeah, but that ain’t the best part.” Sasha replied. “When we bring the ingredients back, our talented chefs and scientists study their components, then ask our specialized ‘foodbenders’ to recreate them. It ain’t the same as stealing from the source, but with that system, our officers can enjoy the entire Full Course every month. This also keeps our officers from suffering hunger pangs like me or most others.”

“‘Foodbenders’?” Stewie repeated. “How ridiculous.”

“They’re actually normal benders who train to mold the respective chi inside food. Here, have a look at mine.” Sasha held up a giant list.

Hors d’oeuvre: Mashed Sweikah Potato, Hyrule
Soup: Gold Stew Falls, Aquaria
Dessert: Chocolate Mountain with Snow Cream, Glacia
Drink: Bubblaine Sparkle Water, Mushroom

“As you can see, it’s far from complete.”

“Mine is no different.” Augustus read from his list.

Hors d’oeuvre: Galactic Corn, Florae Galaxy
Fish: Great Marlin, Earth
Dessert: Sea-salt Ice Cream Cake, Aquaria
Drink: Everbubble Fizz, Earth

“Of course, when it came to Big Mom, her only Full Course were the Eight Wonders. The rest of us had more refined tastes.”

“Like me!” Pea showed them her list.

Hors d’oeuvre: War Pea Taco, Flora
Soup: Cream of Quicksand Chicken, Secco
Fish: Great Fairy Fish, Hyrule
Meat: Stone Mammoth, Kateenia
Main: Ivory Castle Tomtoro Burger, Avalar
Salad: Great Deku Tree Cabbage, Hyrule
Dessert: Nopon Saliva Pudding, Mira
Drink: Moon’s Tear, Lunaria

“Then it’s settled.” August clapped. “We’re serving Tama Pea’s Full Course Menu.”

“Gladly!” Pea nodded. “Shall I call up the chefs to see if we still have the ingredients?”

“Nope! We’re doing this the right way: we’re going to fly to all these places and collect the ingredients ourselves. So Tama, you ready for an adventure?”

“HAAAIIIII!”

Flora; War Woods

The trees in this wood took the form of all sorts of guns, continuously shooting peas at bullet speed. “About 50 will do!” Pea yelled, ducking. “They’re the most ripe when they shoot out of the gun!”

“Got it!” Augustus twirled a taco shell with dressing in hand. He expertly held it around to catch the peas until enough of them filled the taco. “Have a sample, Tama~” He got down to be safe from the gunfire, alongside his companion.

Tama sank her teeth in the taco. “Mmmmm! O-Tama feels her mouth pounding with the drums of war!”

Augustus took a bite. Indeed, he could feel parts of his mouth thumping with the rhythm of gunfire, igniting his mouth and getting it excited for the rest of the course. “Aye, I can’t even wait to travel to the next one! But we’d better fix up another one!” He quickly caught another taco’s worth of peas. Augustus would quickly make his way to Stewie and throw it in his portable Chrono Chamber, a microwave-like device designed to Stop objects from aging.

Secco; Quicksand Creamland

In a farm-like region of Secco, the crew would watch curiously, safe on a fenced ledge, as chickens swam around a vast lake of quicksand that smelled like soup. “The chickens here constantly lay eggs inside this creamy sand.” Pea explained. “Some of them hatch, some of them get boiled and become part of the soup.”

“Klumsy, scoop us up a big bowl!” Augustus ordered.

“Aye-aye, Cabain!” Lumsy carefully bent down and dipped a giant bowl into the quicksand. He brought it up and placed it beside his friends. “Here, Dama.” He held a hand down for the ninja to climb on, holding her level with the soup.

She carefully crouched and stuck her mouth in. Again, her eyes watered as her mouth enjoyed another magical sensation. It tasted like the yolk of a dozen eggs, all cracking and melting on her tongue. “August’n, dost O-Tama’s mouth appear odd?” She stuck out her tongue, coated in yolk like gold.

“Nope! It’s a perfectly natural color!” replied Pea.

“Uh, sure…” Stewie replied.

Hyrule, Spirit Island

Tama sat in Augustus’s lap as both held a large fishing rod. The sky was partly cloudy and the seas were peaceful. They had been patient for 20 minutes until they felt a bite on the rod. “Looks like you’ve finally caught a Fairy Fish.” Stewie reported, using an underwater telescope. A sparkling pink fish was viciously tugging the hook. “Only time will tell if the big one will take the bait.”

They wrestled with the Fairy Fish for another 40 minutes, maintaining constant focus, not letting the fish get too close or too far. Of course, Augustus handled most of this work while Tama felt herself grow sleepy under the gentle sea breeze. It was pure silence and calm, their muscles growing ever more relaxed. Even Augustus nearly succumbed to this feeling while wrestling with the fish.

…

…

…

…

…

“WAAAAH HA HA HA!”

An ear-splitting screech jolted their senses—a huge pink fish with three strands of flowing magenta hair ate the Fairy Fish and was now wrestling with the fishing hook. “La…la la…la la la…la la la…” The fish hummed a pleasant tune as it zoomed around the sea, trying to win against its opponents. Tama and Augustus worked together, pulling on the rod, and Stewie applied his Hulk strength to help them. The fish was splashing the surface of the water, still incredibly stubborn. It took about an extra 10 minutes until one terrific pull was able to bring the Great Fairy up on their shore! “Uh hu hu hu hu…” the fairy chuckled.

“Damn, her face is creepy.” Rallo remarked.

“I just hope it’s good tasting.” Stewie said, using his shrink ray to minimize the fish. “I’d rather save it for the meal instead of waiting to catch another one.”

“O-Tama agrees. It is rare enough to see such pure fish in pure water!”

“And since we’re on Hyrule,” August replied, “we might as well collect that Deku Cabbage.”

Korok Forest

“Snoooore…shoooo…snoooore…shoooo…”

The wooden mustache of the giant tree fluttered from his echoing snores. “So, Pea, how do we get cabbage from him?”

“You have to wound him so his Koroks place a Cabbage Patch on him. The patch will get soaked with his bleeding sap. Then it’ll taste delicious!”

“Fair enough. Maggie, fill him with lead.”

“Mw-mw.” The baby gunner blasted a spot on the bark with a machinegun.

“AAAAAAAAHHH!” The Deku Tree cried as that spot leaked sap. Some Koroks quickly climbed up to stick the Cabbage Patch in question. “Ahh…phew. I swear, when I find the Korok who dropped the information regarding my luscious sap, I’m going to whip them a new one.”

“!” A small Korok with a little leaf face toddled away.

Kateenia; Beast Valley

Beast Valley was a vast grassland of the most tremendous animals on Kateenia… except they were about as big as any Earth animal. However, the Stone Mammoth was twice the size of an elephant, completely invincible in its natural stone armor. Augustus charged it from the right, throwing Haki punches at its armored leg. Though he barely left a dent, the mammoth tried to turn toward and swat him away with its trunk. However, Nel dashed up from behind and clambered up its back leg with cavegirl agility, clinging onto the belly where its armor was softest. She kicked repeatedly until the armor broke off.

Augustus then ran underneath and tossed his spinning Gobstopper up at the stomach, twisting and ripping it as the mammoth cried in pain. Nel kept kicking the beast’s soft belly until it fell, shaking the valley. “There!” Pea beamed. “Now all we have to do is cut off a piece of its outer layer. It’ll self-heal after some time and the little guy can go free!”

“O-Tama thanks thee for thine sustenance.” Tama patted the edge of the gaping trunk. “Please get better soon.”

Avalar; Ivory Castle

The pirates explored an island of ruins near the Ni no Kuni continent. They crossed a very long bridge suspended above a vast canyon, leading to a castle built atop a central pillar. The Ivory Castle had lost much of its sheen over the ages, yet still possessed an air of elegance. “So, this is what your ship was modeled after.” Augustus said.

“Mm-hm! This place was just so beautiful, and I never imagined a burger tasting so good from such a small creature.”

Within the vast, empty, winding halls of the castle wandered only a single creature: a Tomtoro. It was a small, pudgy rabbit-like creature with confused eyes and a magic staff. Upon spotting the invaders, it ran. Nel used her great speed to chase, catching up to the Tomtoro, but it cast a spell to instantly knock her out with a punch-like force. Because it slowed down, Rallo blasted soundwaves to hurt its ears, then Augustus threw his Gobstopper to KO it completely. “I guess it’s much easier to have a team with you.” Pea figured. “It took me ages to catch that the first time.”

Mira; the Bionis

“Woooooowww!” As the crew entered Mira’s atmosphere, Tama found herself gaping at the sight of two titans of continental size, completely stiff as they appeared to have been locked in a battle.

“Those are the Bionis and Mechonis.” Augustus explained. “Legend says they used to be living entities that killed each other at the same time. All kinds of life developed on their bodies. Of course, they ain’t the only Titans in this world. (And no, they ain’t like the Mutant Titans.)”

“We should come up with a different term for them.” Rallo said.

They landed along a cliffside of the Bionis, and K. Lumsy’s imposing form frightened the local wildlife as they traversed the land. Riding the head of the Kremling, Tama had the most amazing view of the alien world. From this angle, it was difficult to tell they were walking on an enormous humanoid entity, though the sight of the Mechonis’ eye glaring from the distance was worrying.

“Hah, look! There’s a Nopon right now!” Augustus pointed at a round, furry, impish creature collecting water from a river. It had four arms, two of which were small, and two others that could be mistaken for long ears.

The orange Nopon dipped a bowl into the river using its longer arms, taking a drink. “Ahh, Riki does enjoy a refreshing drink to re-salivate his tongue.”

“GOT ’IM!” Augustus jumped and grabbed the squirming Nopon, squeezing his mouth to make saliva drip into a cup Stewie was holding. The saliva was of a white, gooey texture. “And once we mix that in chocolate, it’ll taste like a dream!” Pea beamed.

“’EY! What’re you doin’ with Riki?!” The group looked over, seeing two young men wielding mechanical swords. The buffer one had red hair while the skinnier one had blonde hair.

“Shulk, I think it’s more of them bloody pirates!” the buff one said.

“Brilliant. We have to pay them back for kidnapping the Entia!” Shulk’s sword grew a blue laser as they charged.

“Damn, I knew I shoulda bought a new sword.” Augustus said. He used Haki to grab the beam of Shulk’s sword, but found himself forced back by the boy’s strength. Augustus tossed his spinning Gobstopper, but the sword’s beam turned green as it projected a shield around Shulk. Stewie became a Hulk and threw rapid-punches at Reyn, the swordsman enduring as he stabbed at Stewie’s gut. “Ugh, you guys ain’t worth our time! Everyone aboard the Klumsy!”

K. Lumsy scooped his friends up in hand and bolted up the cliffside. Shulk and Reyn tried to chase after, but the distance was steadily widening. “AND DON’T EVER COME BACK!” Reyn yelled.

“Honestly,” Riki said, “if visitors wanted Riki’s saliva, they just needed to ask.”

Lunaria

One of Pea’s masks was of a Lunarian, and this allowed them to sail through the Lunar Field and reach the planet. “’Tis a planet bathed in eternal night?” Tama asked, already in awe as she freely jumped the surface of the low-gravity planet. “How canst people be aware of time or establish slumber hours?”

“They choose the sleeping hours, I guess.” Augustus shrugged.

They journeyed up a humongous, volcano-shaped fountain with multiple rivers flowing down. A single, small moon hovered 50 feet above the center of the watery crater. Lumsy backstroked along the water with a glass balancing on his belly. Augustus dove to the very bottom of the lake and swam straight up, shooting out like a dolphin. The low gravity allowed him to fly up to the hanging moon and punch it, causing it to cry a large tear. The tear splashed into the glass and filled it completely, glowing mystically.

Sweetopia

“Bon appétit… mi niño~” Augustus spoke charmingly as all eight items were splayed on the table.

The joy on O-Tama’s features warmed their hearts. She felt the War Peas gunning the inside of her cheeks. The Cream of Quicksand Chicken turned her tongue into a silky, shiny gold, but the glittery meat of the Great Fairy made her tongue shine like a rare treasure. The soft meat of the Stone Mammoth was relaxing on her jaws, so rich and juicy despite its origin, but it couldn’t compare to the meat of the Tomtoro. As ignorant as she was to alien foods, even Tama could taste the pure rarity of the Tomtoro Burger, a taste that few may get to know. With such an overwhelming taste, it was time to ease her buds: the Deku Tree Salad’s sap filled her tongue, cleansing it of its exhaust. To reward herself, the chocolate pudding with Nopon saliva at the core made her tongue happy again, proud of itself for enduring such a meal. And so, the Moon’s Tear totally purified her mouth like toothpaste, as if it was never filled, yet her heavy stomach could say differently.

“Ahhhhh…” Augustus carried the heavy, peaceful child to a bed, lying her down. “August’n… O-Tama… thanks thee… O-Tama hast never known such beauties could exist… in food… or yonder universe…”

Augustus got to his knees and patted her head. “There are a lot of things people disagree on… but everyone should agree food is amazing. Even the same meals you eat every day could put a smile on your face.”

“This entire adventure contradicts that statement.” Stewie said.

“August’n… wouldst it be impossible to send a letter to Ojīsan?”

“Your grandpa? Do you wanna go home?”

“No. O-Tama wishes to tell Ojīsan… that she is okay. That O-Tama hast never been happier. She knows he will be upset… but O-Tama wishes to remain with August’n. There are too many things O-Tama dost not know… and wishes to see.”

“Hm hm hm…If that’s really what you wish. Even if I wanted to send you back home, your mind is too adapt to the outside universe. You’ll evolve into a ‘modern’ girl before long. …And if that happens, no one will suspect you’re a Historian who’s illegally traveling with us.”

“Good thing we paid Slag to kidnap her.” Stewie said.

“But hey, maybe all those foods can complete your own Full Course, Cap’n.” Rallo said.

“Actually, we’re not allowed to share the same items.” Pea replied.

“Aye. That’s why, some day, I’m going to complete my own Full Course.” Augustus said confidently. “And I hope you’ll all get to taste it. Still, this has me wondering… That ‘Gourmerry’ thing… I wonder what kind of meal she would eat?”

The Full Course Menu concept comes from Toriko, and it will be a major concept for a future story. As a bonus, here are the menus for the other Big Mom Pirates!

Completed Menus

Majin Buu

Hors d’oeuvre: Gingerbread Fox (Sweetopia)
Soup: Fire Dragon Gut Stew (Avalar)
Fish: Baby Space-Whale (Stardust Sea, New Zathura)
Meat: King Salamander (Halcandra)
Main: Queen Golden Goose (Giant’s Sky, Avalar)
Salad: Hairs of Arborick (Silver River, Avalar)
Dessert: Royal Honey (Golden Hive Colony, Mobius)
Drink: Smoothie Volcano (Glacia)

Lucky

Hors d’oeuvre: 20-Long Weiner Dog (Peoples α)
Soup: Gungan King Urine with stuffed Kateenians (Naboo, Aquaria)
Fish: Bright-chested Queen Merfish (Oceana, Earth)
Meat: Cooked Cyclops Privates (Olympus, Historia)
Main: Chrysalis Eater after its feeding (Cironielia, Glomour)
Salad: Elder Kikwi Tail (Kikwi Kingdom, Flora)
Dessert: Twin Hill Dumplings stuffed with Buttermilk Building cream
Drink: Chocolate Milk squeezed from Chocolate Milkings (Sweetopia)

Ernesto Taco

Hors d’oeuvre: Taco de los Muertos (Miracle City, Earth)
Soup: Gold Turnip Surprise (Mt. Volbono, Mushroom)
Fish: Red Coin Fish (Noki Bay, Mushroom)
Meat: Boss Muth (Land of Cragnons, Sauria)
Main: Sombrero Saucer Cooked Sheep (Tostarena, Mushroom)
Salad: Neon Celery with Ink Dressing (Boggly Woods, Earth)
Dessert: Macabre Skull Cake (Underworld)
Drink: Boiling Spring Water (Landia’s volcano, Halcandra)

Tsao Chicken

Hors d’oeuvre: White Tanuki Tail (Rolling Hills, Mushroom)
Soup: Muscle Broth (Coruscant Elite Gym)
Fish: Shock Bed Manta (Vaporian Sea)
Meat: Nightshade Cucco (Kokiri Forest, Hyrule)
Main: Moltres Meat (Victory Road, Poké)
Salad: Island Lily Platter (Frog Forest, Mobius)
Dessert: Noodle Pudding of the Hundred (Sammer Kingdom, Flip-Flop)
Drink: For Ho-Oh’s Saké (Tin Tower, Johto, Poké)

“Planet Flip-Flop?” Sheila asked, looking at her sandals. “There’s a sandal planet?”

“No, it’s some kinda dimensional planet in Nintendia.” Augustus replied.

Pawtucket Pat

Hors d’oeuvre: Barbe-corn (Eldin Volcano, Hyrule)
Soup: Mazey Macaroni (Amazing Maze Mine, Legola)
Fish: Unagi (Kyoshi Island, Avatar Realms)
Meat: Sonic Sand Seal (Gerudo Desert, Hyrule)
Main: Proud Lion King (Africa, Earth)
Salad: Blooming Mega Venusaur (Kalos, Poké)
Dessert: Golden Banana Pudding (Kong Island, Mushroom)
Drink: Red Rum Falls (a towering, thin, red bottle-shaped mountain on Aquaria)

“This Full Course is NOT for underaged kids!” Pat shouted with a hiss. “Unless you bring a soda for your drink, you’re not having a bite!”

Cassiopea Jades

Hors d’oeuvre: War Pea Taco (Flora)
Soup: Cream of Quicksand Chicken (Secco)
Fish: Great Fairy Fish (Spirit Island, Hyrule)
Meat: Stone Mammoth (Beast Valley, Kateenia)
Main: Ivory Castle Tomtoro Burger (Avalar)
Salad: Great Deku Tree Cabbage (Korok Forest, Hyrule)
Dessert: Nopon Saliva Pudding (Mira)
Drink: Moon’s Tear (Lunaria)

Hisoka Morow

Hors d’oeuvre: Big Goron’s tenderized tongue (Hyrule)
Soup: The after-remains of a giant boy’s bath (Sweetopia)
Fish: Eerie Eye Fish (Nightmare Land)
Meat: Matriarchal Cattle (Amazonia)
Main: King Earthwalker (Walled City, Sauria)
Salad: King Croacus (Flora)
Dessert: Male Sugar Fairies
Drink: Bulb Berry Juice (Ghost Zone)

Madame Broode

Hors d’oeuvre: Hot-Chomps (Fossil Falls, Mushroom)
Soup: Comet Crackers cooked in Solaran Stew (Solar Mines)
Fish: Pacifish (an underground cavern beneath Hurricos’ waters)
Meat: Star Bunnies (asteroids in Galaxia)
Main: King Kaliente (Halcandra)
Salad: Forest Fairies dipped in Silver River onion dip (Avalar)
Dessert: Frost-Frosted Cake (Shiveria, Glacia)
Drink: Kannon Kool-Aid (Kamabaka, Earth)

Incomplete Menus

Augustus von Fizzuras

Hors d’oeuvre: Galactic Corn (Florae Galaxy)
Fish: Great Marlin (Earth’s ocean)
Dessert: Sea-salt Ice Cream Cake (North Pole, Aquaria)
Drink: Everbubble Fizz (Fizzle-Fizzle Ruins, Earth)

Sasha Blouse

Hors d’oeuvre: Mashed Sweikah Potato (Hyrule)
Soup: Gold Stew Falls (Aquaria)
Dessert: Chocolate Mountain with Snow Cream (Glacia)
Drink: Bubblaine Sparkle Water (Bubblaine, Mushroom)

Kel Kimble

Drink: Orange Soda

Chapter Text

Even though my different stories contain a large array of crossovers, they each follow the theme or style of one of those crossovers. This story will heavily be following Toriko’s style, because we’re going on a great gourmet adventure! So, let’s start with a traditional crossover dump! (Don’t worry, most of these characters won’t be involved much in the plot. XD)

Cranber Ruins; one day ago

The ruins reeked of rotting breath, pools of acid lurking below them. Augustus von Fizzuras swung the tooth-shaped stalactites with his Licorope, his boots sternly landing on the opposite platform. His explorer’s hat protected his dark-blonde head from the ooze drooping from the ceiling. He wore his signature sunglasses, belted blue jeans, and brown explorer’s vest that matched his sturdy boots.

Swinging after him was Rawberry Preserves, a white-skinned girl with a poofy black dress and pink hair split into wide bat wings. “Man, your ancestor’s temple really stinks.” Augustus commented.

“Cranber was the heaviest glutton in New Galaxia.” Rawberry replied. “They say this temple reeks of her very scent.”

“No wonder Goombella didn’t wanna come in here. Hope she’s having fun in those other ruins.”

The center of the temple possessed a large statue of a troll with a grinning, drooling mouth, and what appeared to be spiked hair protruding around her body. There was a display case of stone cakes under bubble coverings, like you’d see at the store. The cakes were stacked with layers of rectangular slabs. “These are Cranber’s Prophetic Pies. They foretell many major events relating to food. I’ve only ever eaten one… and let’s just say that Tents and Mirth could do nothing to stop me~”

“Look.” Augustus pointed. “That cake has an egg shape engraved. You think that’s the one we’re looking for?”

“It’s pasta-ble.” Rawberry cracked a food pun. “It could tell us something about Gourmerry. First, we need to take the pie to be prepared.”

“Why are they called pies when they look like cakes?”

“Because Prophetic Pie sounds sweeter than Propheticake~”

“I… guess? Well, let’s take all of them just in case. Now we just need someone to help prepare it.”

Current time; Cooking Island (Play “Luncheon Town” from Mario Odyssey!)

At this time every four years, this island on Planet Aquaria was among the most populated in the universe: Cooking Island. Millions and millions of aliens of all species rode here to taste everything the worlds had to offer. It was 200 years ago that Acacia, the greatest Gourmet Hunter in history, founded this island and announced these words: “I wish to feed the whole universe!!”

The greatest chefs in the known universe were invited here to serve food to countless customers. Everything was paid for by the Galaxian Government and Intergalactic Travel costs were very cheap due to the surplus of people wishing to travel here.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the 50th Cooking Festivaaaaal!” Big Bird announced to the cosmos. The ratings for Intergalactic News always skyrocketed during this wonderful time. “So many BIG STEWS are brewing on this island! So many talented chefs are here! From Planet Earth, he’s the finest chef in France, don’t let his size fool you, it’s REMY the RAT!” A blue-furred rat was shown on camera, waving happily. Beside him was Linguini, a skinny, fluffy-haired man, looking sheepish and awkward. (They’re from Ratatouille.)

“From Oceana, he’s the finest fry cook under the sea, it’s JIM!” Jim was a chubby blue Fishman, smiling boastfully while flipping patties on a shiny grill(from Spongebob). “From Mushroom, the Toad Chef sisters, Tayce T. and Zess T.!” They were two elderly Toads with yellow spots on their shrooms. “Next, the legendary Traveling Chef, known for his recent feat in cooking the Linlin Sacred Cake, Tonio Trussardi!” He was a muscular Italian chef with a sparkling smile (JoJo).

There was Jōichirō Yukihira (from Food Wars), a chef with a cool, stoic expression, shiny but messy brown hair, and a strong build. In one area, he was cooking Japanese Cuisine, while in another, he was preparing French. Konomi Mera, a teenage girl with a school uniform, but pink apron and brown bandanna, was preparing Italian cuisine. Her partner was Gourmet Hunter, Kuroudo Iizuka, with dark-blue hair, a red neckerchief, and a wood-handled hunting rifle on his back. (Both are from Medaka Box.)

A short, round, tan-skinned boy named Teruteru (from Danganronpa) was serving sausages to his classmates. A slender, big-chested, tan-skinned girl named Akane was engulfing most of them. A four-armed, purple-skinned alien named Elzar (from Futurama) was preparing his Neptunian Slug Fricassee, Fish ’n’ Chimps, Jarjar Tartare for the Gungans, and his Unnamable Horror from Beyond with Mango Chutney.

“From professional chefs with years of experience to young, high school prodigies, we’ve invited chefs from everywhere! So, eat! Eat to your heart’s content!” Big Bird continued cheerily. “But don’t sicken yourselves because the best has yet to come! I speak, of course, of the Gourmet Hunters! Allow me to introduce the champion Gourmet Hunter, you know him, you love him, no beast is a match for his muscles, it’s TORIKOOOOOO!”

Steam emitted on a stage as someone rose from beneath it. He was a muscular man with blue hair and an orange spandex jumpsuit, flexing his arms as his muscles made all sorts of shapes. Millions of fangirls and boys began squealing. “So, Toriko, have you any words of encouragement for the competition? Do you think they can make a meal to satiate your unending appetite?!”

“I don’t know, but let me tell you this!” Toriko took the mike. “If a plate of food is put in front of me, I won’t leave any left even if it kills me!”

“What a champion!! So, would you like to announce the first phase of the festival?”

“You bet!” Toriko faced the masses with a confident smile. “The Cooking Fest will begin with the traditional Gourmet Hunt. I and many brave hunters will scour the universe for many rare and exotic ingredients! They will be brought here and cooked by chefs of our choosing! Of course, those lucky chefs are free to join them on the hunt. Sorry, fellas, but I’m already in a combo. Get up here, Komatsu!”

A scrawny young chef in a traditional white outfit and short black hair scrambled up onstage. One wouldn’t guess that he and Toriko were the same age, 29, despite Komatsu being much shorter and almost teenage-like. “So, Komatsu, are you all set for the hunt?”

“I sure am, Toriko! I’ve cooked enough dishes to last the week! So, where are we going to go?”

“Why, we’re going to New Galaxia, of course! A whole new dimension of ingredients ripe for the taking! This year’s meals are going to be better than ever! We’re gonna feed ALL the starving children!”

“That’s right, folks!” Big Bird took the mike back. “As always, the first people to taste the exotic meals at the festival’s climax will be the poor and low-income people! We’ve gathered many from the worlds and many more are waiting at designated soup kitchens!”

“They will not be the FIRST to taste.” Spoke a gloomy, British voice. They turned attention to a frail, thin man with a droopy face and black cloak. “That duty falls to us critics.”

“What a Big Gruesome visage! It’s the Grim Eater, Anton Ego! Famous for putting 150 restaurants out of business with his scathing reviews!”

“Indeed.” Ego took the mike, facing directly at the camera to impose fear over all watching. “And no matter how fantastically rare your ingredients are, they will be worthless if they are not welcomed by my tongue.”

“Well said, Ego, well said~” sang the voice of a purple, cat-like man with long ears. He had no hair and a thin, bony build, wearing black, blue, and gold Egyptian-like clothing, with white and orange diamond designs. (He’s from Dragon Ball.)

“It’s Beerus from Secco’s Osiris Country!” Big Bird exclaimed. “Also known as the God of Destruction, some say entire countries were destroyed over his displeasure with bad recipes!”

“Um, but those never actually happened, right?” Komatsu asked.

“Relax, it’s just a shtick.” Toriko smacked his back with a spritely grin. “He’s not really a god!”

“Then what about the destruction part?!”

Beerus took the mike from Ego. “God or not, I possess a very divine tongue, and I will not hesitate to destroy any stall that makes me even a fraction of a bit sick.”

“Were your tongue so ‘divine,’ you needn’t fear being sickened at all.”
Ego retorted. “Your tastes are as aimless as those brutish hunters.”

Beerus scowled at the scrawny human. “Well, at least my tastebuds are still in my prime, old man. Big talk when the best you can stomach is that peasant dish.”

“Do not dare mock the ratatouille in my presence!” Ego hissed in his face, his lips emphasizing each word. “Or I’ll send you the way of Monsieur Boyardee!”

“Personally, I like food that tells a good narrative.” said an Indian-American man, using his phone to take pictures of food at a table. “Now, this one is cute and colorful, good for kids, kinda ‘meh’ if you’re an adult. This one tastes like you’re watching a soap opera, good at first, but the longer it stays in your mouth, you’d kinda wish it hurries up and goes down.”

“Great, it’s THIS guy again.” Beerus growled.

“Ladies and gents, it’s Tom Haverford!” Big Bird introduced (from Parks and Recreation). “Famous for posting food on the Internet with a mini review before actually trying it! He’s failed several restaurants solely due to their condiments!”

“That’s because this lazy wretch refuses to apply condiments and dipping himself!” Ego stated. “He insists the waiters do so for him.”

“Ain’t that the waiters’ job?” Tom asked. “I ain’t their maid!”

“Look, just don’t destroy anything before our guests have a chance to taste!” Toriko pled. “It’s their job to decide just as much as it is yours!”

“Don’t you and those steroid-filled muscles have somewhere else to be?” Ego asked.

“He’s right, Komatsu! Our ship is waiting for us! We have new ingredients to hunt!” Toriko lifted his partner and raced through town.

“C-Careful, Toriko-san!”

Beyond the chefs and Gourmet Hunters, the festival naturally attracted a great many famous people. The Mario Bros. were present, with Mario carrying his daughter on his shoulders and Luigi carrying his niece. They were being served soup from a giant pot by Volbonans. “Did you know Mount Volbono has its own Cooking Fest?” Luigi asked. “Of course, that one’s annual, and it doesn’t attract nearly as many visitors.”

“Whoa, the gold turnip is amazing!” Louise cheered. “It feels like a sun’s about to erupt in my mouth!”

“GIMME SOME!” Hearing her signature word, Sheila Frantic charged past the Marios, slamming her Sunny Fist against the large bowl. A gush of soup flew out as Sheila caught it in her mouth. “!!!” Sheila flared up from the intense heat and, “YOWCH-OUCH-OUCH AAAAAAHHH!” she began running around and breathing fire.

“You know suns are made of fire, right?” Mason asked. “Not just light.”

“I don’t think she can hear you, Bro.” Haruka replied as Sheila was burning other people.

“I know.”

Aisa of Sector W7 was going for a walk on the beach with her boyfriend, Miguel of Sector M, their feet bare as Miguel felt an odd sensation. “This doesn’t feel like normal sand…”

“That’s because it’s rice!” Aisa beamed.

“R-Rice?”

“Yep! This is natural, edible rice!” Aisa scooped some in her hand and chucked it in her mouth. “Delicious!”

“Um…wouldn’t it be really dirty from people walking all over it?”

“That’s why I took a bath before coming, did you?”

“Yes, but everyone else…” Miguel couldn’t finish his sentence before Aisa swallowed another handful. “Sigh…” He couldn’t help but smile at his girlfriend’s wild, carefree nature.

Mocha was carrying her boyfriend, Kaleo Anderson across the streets. With so many people around, it was difficult for the giant to navigate, having to watch every step, especially for the tiny aliens. “Hey! Look over there!” Mocha beamed, spotting a bulky giant with a green beard, a Viking chef hat and spoons along his belt. He was accompanied by a female giant with green, ponytailed hair, tannish skin, and a giant fork-spear. (Both are from One Piece.)

The two giants had plates of cooked lobster and lemons befitting their sizes, as well as a tall hamburger that seemed like a short building. They saw the younger Amazon headed their way with a fascinated smile. “Hello, little one!” the male giant greeted Mocha. “Would you like to try our Sea Animal Churrasco? Made with skewered King Lobster meat cooked directly in a volcano’s magma and flavored with volcanic herbs and rare salt crystals.”

“That sounds amazing!” Mocha cheered.

“We also have Thousand People Paella.” the female giant said, revealing a dish with fried bread and seafood. “It’s Dad’s best!”

“W-Wait a second!” Kaleo panicked. “Why do you call it that?! Did you cook a thousand people to make it?!”

“NO, NO, we would never!” the Amazon panicked. “It just means it can feed a thousand people! Huh?” She only just seemed to acknowledge the tiny boy. “Oh, I didn’t see you there!”

“Haha, this is Kaleo.” Mocha laughed. “I’m Mocha, Honorary Amazon!”

“Nice to meet you, Mocha! I’m Lily Enstomach, known for my enormous stomach!”

“And I’m Panz Fry.” the male giant introduced. “Heh heh, yes, my daughter is quite the glutton.”

“At least I know how to keep in shape.” Lily remarked.

“Can I have that burger right there?” Kaleo asked.

“Oh, this is my Mini Mountain Burger.” Panz replied. “The patties were cooked with magma as well, but only the biggest and strongest of giants have the stomach to swallow it. A tiny man like you could barely stomach one crumb.”

“Well, Leo? You think you can do it?” Mocha asked, setting him on the ground.

“I’m a BIG BOY NOW!” Kaleo immediately blew up to a tremendous size, even larger than the adult giants, pushing Mocha and any surrounding people away. Panz and Lily gaped as Kaleo grabbed the burger as easily as any other and munched half of it in his mouth. “Mmmmm! Tastyyyy!”

“W-What the… You were actually a giant, too?!” Lily exclaimed.

“Hahahaha!” Mocha climbed up on Kaleo’s seated leg, looking much smaller than the larger boy. “Leo ate a fruit that allows him to get huge!”

Kaleo effortlessly ate the rest of the burger. “Yah, but when I eat big food like this, I can’t shrink back down all the way. BUUUURP! You got any soda?”

The New Years Buffet featured a bunch of cooked food with firecrackers sprinkling them. “Oooo, now this is my type!” Kodama beamed, the pyrotechnician grabbing a skewer with a firecracker at the end and eating the meat pieces off.

“Nyeah, you eat fireworks the same way April eats paint.” Chimney remarked.

“Mmmm…this taste is familiar though.” Kodama analyzed it. “It tastes like…”

“I just knew I would attract you, Kodama!”

Kodama gasped and about-faced. A taller girl with pale skin, orange eyes, and black- and-white-striped hair was smiling with pride and happiness. She wore a white, lined crop top, black-and-white skirt, and seemed to have mechanical hands and feet. Her belt was loaded with firework shells, she had red horns on her head, and a particular gem lodged below her neck that looked like a necklace.

“Oh my GOSH! Crossette!” Kodama squeezed her acquaintance in a hug, Crossette returning the gesture as sparks sprinkled out from her horns.

“Who the heck is this?” Chimney asked.

“She’s a Xenoblade from the Miran KND.” Kodama explained. “We met during Meet Your Heroes Day. She’s a pro pyrotechnician just like me!”

“But aside from fireworks, I LOVE cooking!” Crossette cheered (she’s from Xenoblade). “I’ve gotten much better than last time, so I decided to set up my own stand at the festival! I had a feeling I would see you here; there’s no way Yuzu could resist a Cooking Festival, right?”

“Well, she’s actually-”

“Toriko! Toriko, we need you! The Boogey Pirates are coming! They’re going to raid the festival!”

A dark ship was seen off the coast, flying Lord Mandy’s colors. However, as Aisa narrowed her eyes, examining the short figure on the keel, she could make out Koko’s form, posing ecstatically. “I’ve seen her before… That’s Yuzu’s student! Hey, it’s okay!” Aisa tried to yell at the citizens. “I think they’re just here for the-”

“Hold your fire, everyone!” Toriko bellowed. “At Cooking Fest, we don’t discriminate even against criminals! As long as their bellies are empty, their appetites roaring, we shall welcome them with open tables! Don’t raise your arms unless they raise theirs first!”

“Still, this is quite a change of pace.” Big Bird said. “Usually, the Cooking Fest has to fear raids from the Big Mom Pirates, so seeing the Boogeys here is quite unexpected.”

“Big Moms or Boogeys, it doesn’t matter either way. Cooking Fest has always been protected by the strong and reliable hunters. Why, myself and my three peers can rival the strength of a single Yonko! So, if they attack, you’ll have nothing to fear! Tell them why, Komatsu!”

Komatsu pulled out an accordion. “Nooooo ooooone’s…” He began to sing:

“STRONG like Toriko, can flex like Toriko! No one’s bod as incredibly thick as Toriko!” Toriko lifted two food stands to display his strength, followed by a huge flex. Two huge guys slammed their fists into the hunter, but he didn’t flinch at all. “No one HUNTS like Toriko, can chop ROCKS like Toriko!” Toriko raced up to a boulder and chopped it with his hand. “No one can steal hearts quite like Toriko!” He swiped a heart cupcake from a table and tossed it to a female chef named Colette, who glared in disbelief.

“As a specimen, I am EXTRAORDINARY~” Toriko bellowed with a manly voice.

“’Cause no one can beat Torikoooo!”

Disregarding the hunter’s show-boding, the other operatives met at the coast as Koko rowed to the beach on a small boat. “Hi, Koko-chan!” Kodama greeted.

“Kodama-san!” Koko beamed. “Mandy-sama let Koko come to the festival! Now she can cook for everyone! Where’s Yuzu-san?”

“Well, Yuzu’s not here, actually.”

“HUH?!” Koko’s mouth burst wide. “Why?” (End song.)

GKND H.Q.

“When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs, every morning to help me get large!” Toriko juggled that many eggs as they dropped down his throat. “And now that I’m grown, I eat five dozen eggs, so I’m roughly the size of a barge!” He climbed onto Kaleo’s head and ripped his spandex with a flex of his muscles.

Yuzu Kurosaki was listening to the festival on a small TV in the kitchen, swaying a frying pan as the stir fry surfed up and down. “It’s less about cooking and more about Toriko’s muscles. Hehe, I wonder if he would make a good addition to this.” The stir fry seemed to have tiny, veggie, surfer dudes, surfing the ingredients like waves as Yuzu sloshed them up and down.

Yuzu’s short, yellowish-brown hair was tied in twin pigtails. She wore a pink apron over her green sweater, with a yellow shirt underneath that. She had on a skirt with thick pink and white stripes and tall yellow socks going into pink Converse shoes. It was quite casual attire to be wearing in a kitchen, but she was typically dressed as such in the event of a mission or outing with her friends. Not that she expected much here.

“That should be enough!” Yuzu said at last.

After a while, the teenage chef brought the steaming bowl out to Masaru Daimon, the only one occupying a table in the cafeteria. “Here you are! Beached Surfer Fry with Delfinian peppers. Don’t worry, they’re not sentient creatures!”

Masaru looked over the exhausted veggie surfers. “I’m still gonna pretend that they are!” Masaru grabbed his chopsticks and dug into the bowl, his mouth wide and eager. “Amazing!”

“So, did you enjoy your game?”

“Your friends are really aggressive. I thought Kotoko would put up more of a fight, but she totally let that tiny girl push her around!”

“That’s just what happens when you play my teammates.” said Karin Kurosaki, entering the mess hall. “So Yuzu, how come you ain’t at Cooking Fest?”

“Because we need to keep Gourmerry fed, of course.”

“Come on, just let the base staff feed her. We got plenty of ingredients to last her for a week.”

“Heck, why not bring her to the festival?” Masaru asked. “She’ll have plenty to eat and then some!”

“That’s not a good idea.” Yuzu said. “There’s still a lot we don’t know about her. In the presence of too much food, she might go on a rampage. But I’m afraid she’ll do the same if she doesn’t get quality food. That’s why I can’t just leave.”

“Well, someone’s tooting their own horn~” Masaru snickered.

Karin smacked his head. “But he makes a good point. You could blow those other chefs out of the water if you came.”

“Nonsense! I know I’m amazing, but I couldn’t compete with THOSE chefs! They’re, like… Yonko level!”

“You literally trained the head chef of a Yonko crew. She’s probably there now.”

“I know she is, but…oh!” A timer dinged. “The Cinnamon Desert’s ready!”

…

The Cinnamon Desert was vast and easy to lose one’s way, due to its shifting, swirling ground and cinnamon grains fluttering about the air. If one could trace the rotating black lines, they would either find the center or the edge of the desert. It’s unknown what creatures, if any, wander lost in this desert, but they would meet the same fate nonetheless. A gaping mouth could be seen amidst the cinnamon-blocked sky, looming toward the desert and engulfing every last grain of cinnamon.

The giant cinnamon roll was the size of a pizza, yet Gourmerry compressed it all into her little mouth. “And there it goes…” Yuzu sighed in dismay. “Gourmerry, do you at least appreciate this food? Are you getting the full flavor when you wolf it down like that?”

“Gourmerry…” The creature said cluelessly.

Gourmerry’s upper body was shadowy with pink eyes. She wore a salad crown with tomatoes, a three-layer cake dress with vanilla icing over light-brown dough, and little banana legs underneath. Her long hair resembled clean, golden spaghetti. The infant-size spirit was born not long ago, but she had been contained in this little playroom for most of that time. Knowing that she possessed Linlin blood and could break out into an immense craving, there was no telling how much destruction she could cause if left unfed.

Yuzu had spent most of her time on H.Q. for the sake of feeding the spirit, but it appeared to be an endless task. There was almost nothing that could fulfill this creature’s appetite. What if the universe ran out of ingredients before she was full? Yuzu grew more worried every day, and she was dismayed in having to miss Cooking Fest because of it.

“Hey, Yuzu.” Jinta Hanakari walked in. “That Augustus guy and one of those trolls are looking for you. They need help making something, I think.”

“Huh? Okay…” Curious, Yuzu returned to the cafeteria.

Augustus had finished his lollipop and tossed the stick into a trashcan. “August’n, is it truthfully possible to eat yonder stone?” asked O-Tama, standing on a table seat and looking over the Prophetic Pie. Her purple hair in a bun, the Japanese Historian was wearing a green robe with orange puff designs, patches, and orange sandals.

“Well, Nel could probably eat it, but I doubt that’ll give her the right taste.”

“There she is!” Rawberry beamed when Yuzu and her team walked in. “You’re just the chef I wanted to see! Please tell me you have more of those bats~”

“Is that all you want?”

“No it’s not!” August shouted. “Show her the pie, Rawberry.”

“Ah, right. Here, Yuzu, cook this.” Rawberry grabbed and dropped the stone cake in Yuzu’s hands, the chef tilting forward on one foot before regaining balance.

“Uh, I think I need some proper instruction here, hehe.”

“This is Prophetic Pie, something my ancestor made. It’s made of stone now, but it’ll become edible once we prepare it.” Rawberry withdrew a light-brown squeeze bottle. “But this is the hard part. You have to squeeze this ink icing into the egg shape. It’s supposed to seep down into the cake in the shape of text. Then you have to cook it at 1,500 degrees Celsius for exactly one minute.”

“That’s gonna be too hot to eat!” Jinta exclaimed.

“Well, we can’t really eat solid stone.” Yuzu shrugged. “Okay, let’s do this.” She carried the cake into the kitchen, the group following. After setting it on the table, she borrowed the squeezer from Rawberry.

“Hold on!” the troll cautioned. “It’s actually trickier than it sounds. You can’t squeeze too much ink into one area or too little. You have to be real precise when you squeeze it into the crevices and maintain a consistent squeeze.”

“You mean in that whole intricate shape?” Augustus asked, noting the unique designs within the egg. “What happens if we screw up?!”

“We’re screwed~” Rawberry’s tongue hung out.

“SERIOUSLY?!”

“Just be quiet for a second.” Yuzu stated, the squeezer clasped in both hands as she held it over the cake. …Her fingers carefully compressed as the ink flowed out of the container. The second it began flowing, Yuzu began moving it precisely over the egg design. She followed a route within the inner designs wherein she wouldn’t tread back over previous areas, nor would she have to stop squeezing. Augustus studied her intently, unwrapping the next lollipop. By the time she loosened her grip, each part of the egg was evenly distributed with ink.

Once Yuzu was done, she placed the cake into the oven. They could feel the immense heat as she turned it up to 1,500 Celsius. Yuzu mentally counted for 60 seconds… but once at 50 seconds, she quickly donned her oven mitts, opened the oven, pulled the cake out, and set it on top. “I accounted for the time it would take to actually get the cake out. Never forget the after-heat.”

The top of the cake was vanilla covered with layers of chocolate underneath. Yuzu grabbed a paper fan and gently waved to cool the cake down. Once it was cool enough, she cut the first slice out. “When reading a book, you have to start from the beginning of the text and work your way to the end, right?”

“Y…Yes!” Rawberry beamed. “Once you eat it, the knowledge inside it will appear in your brain. If you don’t eat it in the right order, the information comes in scattered fragments and it’s harder to understand. But how did you know that?”

“Well, I just felt that I had to eat this corner first. I assumed that was the reason.”

“Wow… that’s pretty impressive.” Augustus said.

“But if it works like that,” Karin replied, “then we couldn’t really share the cake.”

“That stinks.” Jinta followed. “I mean, ain’t that too much for one person?”

“Actually, the text is distributed evenly amongst these twelve segments.” Yuzu swiftly divided the cake with her knife. “Start from this top-left corner, then the bottom-left, top-right, bottom, then repeat the process on the next layer.”

“You knew that, too?!” Rawberry exclaimed. “Did I know that?! Honestly, the last one I ate, I just munched it like crazy.”

“In that case, let’s hurry up and eat!” Jinta cheered. “We can save some for Ururu and Kodama, too.”

Augustus gave a slice to Tama, the group eating the cake in the instructed fashion (though Tama was still not used to using a fork). As they savored each bite, the taste spreading on their tongues, knowledge spread into their minds.

When the Gourmet Demon awakens, a feast will be thrown to celebrate its arrival. The feast shall go for seven days, and upon its conclusion, nothing shall be left behind. Who can satisfy the beast’s everlasting lust?

“Man, that is some weird-ass cake.” Jinta commented.

“So, I’m guessing you got that, too?” Karin asked.

“Wherefore doth talk of demons appear in Tama’s head?” Tama asked.

“This Gourmet Demon…” Augustus spoke. “It must be talking about Gourmerry.”

“That’s awfully rude of Cranber to call my sweet Gourmerry a demon!” Rawberry huffed.

“But this seven day feast… the Cooking Fest is supposed to go for seven days!” Yuzu realized. “Is it saying that Gourmerry’s going to eat everything on the last day?”

“Then we’d better keep her in that cell.” Karin suggested.

“But if this is a prophecy, there’s no telling she’ll stay in there even if we try.” August replied. “Or maybe she will. The future is never set in stone, after all. Either way… is keeping her locked away really the best future?”

“Normally, I’d say yes, but Gourmerry honestly hasn’t done anything, right?” Jinta asked. “Yuzu has to slave away up here, but we don’t even know if she gets crazy cravings.”

“All the Newborn we met so far have been hostile in some way.” Karin inferred. “So, of course we’re assuming the same of Gourmerry, especially since she’s a Linlin.”

“Here’s what I’m saying.” August began, putting his lolli back in. “The Linlins suffer those kinds of cravings, right? The Big Mom Pirates got them all the time, but the Commanders kicked those cravings. Every major member of the crew was a Gourmet Hunter, and they all had one of these.” The captain withdrew a list of eight items.

Hors d’oeuvre: Galactic Corn (Florae Galaxy)
Soup
Fish: Great Marlin (Earth’s ocean)
Meat
Main
Salad
Dessert: Sea-salt Ice Cream Cake (North Pole, Aquaria)
Drink: Everbubble Fizz (Fizzle-Fizzle Ruins, Earth)

“A Full Course Menu?” Yuzu observed. “Yeah, Gourmet Hunters have stuff like that.”

“Yeah, but the Linlins who could create and eat their own Full Course would no longer suffer cravings. I’ll bet the same applies to Gourmerry.”

“You mean we just have to make recipes with these eight types and serve them to her? But I’ve already cooked tons of these different meals.”

“Maybe serve her one of each in a row?” Karin guessed. “Is that the secret?”

“I suppose that’s one way.” August figured, pulling out the barren lolli stick. “You don’t really have to hunt for the exotic ingredients, so long as you had the right ingredients right here.”

“Hmmm…” Yuzu pondered this for a moment. It was true that even simple recipes could still be valuable and delicious. The problem is Gourmerry wasn’t picky at all between the different foods. She acted like they were all the same to her. Would feeding her a specific order of types really change anything?

“It’s time to bid our great hunters a safe voyage! Let’s prey for a wonderful feast to come! See what I did there? I hope you have captions on, because that was a clever pun if I do say so myself~”

The group faced the mini TV.

Aquaria

The Gourmet Hunters and their chosen companions were boarding spaceships to begin the great hunt. Konomi was going with Kuroudo and Panz Fry was going with his daughter, Lily. Chef Kawasaki was going with a round, yellow creature called Pac-Man.

“What I don’t get is why they’re hunting now.” Chimney said, eating some fried, firework dough. “Shouldn’t they have hunted before the party?”

“The time constraint makes the hunt more exciting, Chimney!” Aisa beamed.

“But they still coulda did it before! Why do we have to wait seven days for the best parts?!”

“This only happens every four years, so having the festival last a week seems like a fair course.” April inputted, the artist eating some Prisma Pudding.

One of the hunters was Menchi, a 21-year woman with turquoise hair in five knots, a black bra with a mesh shirt over it, and blue ripped shorts with tall high-heeled shoes. Behind her was Buhara, a rotund giant with a hanging belly under his yellow shirt, green pants, and bare feet.

“Excuse me, Lady Menchi!” The woman looked as Teruteru approached her with a lush brown turkey. “I was wondering if you’d love to try my turkey. It’s nice and juicy so even a thin little thang like you can swallow it~”

“Mmm, I love turkey!” Buhara said.

“No thanks.” Menchi denied. “I’m more in the mood for sushi.”

“Well, I may not look it, but I’m an excellent fisher. I got the finest rod this side of West Azabu. That big guy’s a hunter, too, ain’t he, not really a chef? Then you gonna need someone to grill them fish up~”

“Nah nah, you’re doing it all wrong, buddy.” Vweeb poked out of Menchi’s top knot.

“GYAH?!” Menchi yelped in fright as the Kateenian dropped down and grabbed the front tuft of Teruteru’s hair, hanging by his eyes.

“Look, it’s cool to brag about your dishes and all, but don’t forget the lady is more important. Her strong diet has given her a gorgeous physique, and one can feel the energy neatly coursing in those trim legs. The knots in her hair give her a wild impression, meaning she’s not afraid to express herself, as evidenced by her choice in clothing. Her little bellybutton is a great highlight of her cute personality, though~”

“You can tell that much?!” the short chef asked in awe. “You have to teach me your ways!”

“BOTH OF YOU GET AWAY!” Menchi whipped her foot and kicked the boys away like bouncy balls.

“Well, there’s another one for Vweeb’s secret club.” Arianna sighed. “I’ll wait until he has enough members before I squish them.”

“You go, girl.” Melody remarked, high-fiving the alien.

GKND

Seeing the hunters board their ships, a realization began to form within Yuzu. “…You know something, I don’t think I’ve ever hunted for my own ingredients. I’ve always had them brought to me. Why do you think those hunters go to so much trouble to find such rare materials all to enjoy a good meal?”

“Because adults are stupid?” Karin asked.

“There’s more to it than that! Hard work, curiosity, desire, there are all kinds of things that go into a meal besides the recipe itself! These hunters are driven by a desire to work hard and seek all the greatest tastes in the universe! The excitement of the hunt leads to a grumbling belly and a rewarding meal!”

“Now you’re speaking the words of a true hunter~” Augustus smirked.

“Haven’t you only been a hunter for, like, a week?” Jinta asked.

“I’ve been hunting since I was a squirt! Before, it was only candy, but I still got the experience.”

“Even so, I think I understand what Gourmerry really needs. Come on, let’s go to her.” Yuzu marched assuredly out of the cafeteria. The group passed by Bender on the way out, the robot looking their way curiously.

They returned to the holding chamber, finding the Firstborn suckling on a letter block. “Gourmer?” She perked up when they entered.

“Gourmerry… we’re taking you on a Gourmet Hunt!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Karin expressed. “I don’t know if taking her out of here is a good idea.”

“But I think it’s the only way. We need to prepare her a meal that she can really look forward to, one we can build up with the excitement of an adventure! An adventure that will leave her so satisfied that she’ll long for nothing else!”

“Alright, then let’s call Sheila up.” Karin joked.

“A tempting thought, but we already have the right explorer for the job.” Yuzu faced up at the man in question. “Augustus… I want to join the Great Gourmet Hunt, and I want you as my partner.”

Augustus smiled charmingly. “There’s always room for another lady-friend in my cavalcade~”

“Ew, don’t get the wrong idea! You’re too old for me!”

“Relax, I’m just teasin’. But it’s a deal!” Augustus clutched Yuzu’s hand and shook.

“A mission with Augustus?” Karin questioned. “Alright, Jinta, let’s get Ururu and Kodama.”

“You guys don’t have to come.” Yuzu said.

“WHAT?!” exclaimed the friends.

“I mean, it’s not like this is a real KND mission! You guys should stick around in case a real mission comes up. But this is something I have to do as a chef.”

“So, what? A month ago, we were pretending to be pirates, why can’t we suddenly become Gourmet Hunters just the same?”

“Well, think of it this way: when we find the perfect Full Course for Gourmerry, I wanna share it with you guys, too. So, think of this as a surprise meal!”

“Fine, Yuzu.” Karin cracked a smirk. “We’ll let you have the glory. But if you get in over your head, I want you to call us.”

“It’s a promise, Nee-chan!”

“And since Gourmerry is coming with us… that’s your job, Tama!” Augustus pulled out a baby strap and used it to attach Gourmerry to Tama’s back. “As Junior Babysitter, you’re responsible for caring for the little sweetie!”

“O-Tama wilt not let thee down, August’n!” the child saluted. “Gourmerry-chan, if thou behavest, thou shalt be awarded dango treats!” She popped a piece of dango off her cheek and passed it back to Gourmerry.

The spirit bit and chewed the dango. “…Gourmerry!” She perked up brightly.

“Huh?! Her body is made of dango?” Yuzu asked.

“Yeah, Tama accidentally ate a Devil Fruit.” Augustus reminded.

“Oh. …Where did you say she was from?”

“O-Tama hails from Historia!” she responded.

“Ahem, maybe you should keep that to yourself, Tama…” August replied awkwardly.

“Hold on,” Karin began, “isn’t taking Historians off their planet illegal? …And feeding her a Devil Fruit on top of that?”

“Let’s agree to disagree. So, Yuzu, you ready to go? We’d better hurry if we wanna find eight rare ingredients in seven days.”

“Yeah. Let’s ship off immediately!”

“You got it! Luckily, I already have an expert helmswoman onboard. I’m sure she won’t mind missing the festival a little.”

…

Haylee Gilligan finished refueling the Ace Hunter ship just as she saw her captain return. “Yuzu? And… is that Gourmerry?!”

“Haylee?” Yuzu asked. “What are you doing with Augustus?”

“He wanted me to go with him to New Galag. And my explorer senses tell me we’re about to go on a quest.”

“You don’t feel up to it?” August asked.

“No, of course I do!” Haylee beamed. “It’s just Sheila’s going to kill me for adventuring with a different captain. …Again.”

“If that’s the worst we gotta worry about, then it’s smooth sailing.”

Unknown hideout

A cowardly pink dog was whimpering as he pulled the cooked dodo out of the oven. He seemed to withdraw a fan from his body as he blew it over the dodo to cool it down. The dog jumped when the ground quaked. “What’s takin’ so long, ya stupid dog?!” Shivering in fright, he turned and faced up at a giant robot with skinny arms and legs, but bulky hands, boots, body, and a head with a long, pointed chin. “If you don’t hurry up with my meal, I’ll mince YOU up, ehk kek kek!”

“AWAA!” The dog hurriedly tried to cool the dodo faster.

“Eustace! EUSTACE!” A brown-haired woman dressed like a queen with a crown and white dress stormed into the room. “You stole my DODO!”

“Victoria, this dang dodo’s been sittin’ in your freezer for six stinkin’ years!”

“I only just got my appetite for it! How DARE you steal my bird!” Victoria whipped out two butcher knives and leapt to strike Eustace, the mech combatting her with long claws.

“Hek kek kek! This Mechon technology is the bee’s knees, I tell ya!”

“Victoria, calm yourself.” A short-sized chef walked into the room. He had a large hat and thin mustache, speaking in a French accent. “Zere are plenty of dodos out zere. Well, perhaps not. Heh heh heh…”

“What are you idiots still doing here?” A man with black attire, a red vest with dark Pokéballs, and a yellow mask that matched his boots marched in. “The others have already gone. The boss’ll be pissed if we don’t meet our quota.”

“Always so impatient, Iron Mask.” The chef sighed.

“Here, eat some of this Miltank meat, Skinner.” Iron Mask dropped a hunk of pink meat for the little chef. “Maybe you’ll grow a little.”

Skinner ate off a piece of the deceased Pokémon. “Mmm! Very milky!”

GKND

Bender stepped into the empty kitchen. The TV was still playing the Cooking Festival. “Seems GKND is without a reliable chef. ’Guess it’s up to me: Bender!”

And all those crossovers come from… I’ll just note the series into the chapter itself, I don’t wanna write them all again. X,(

Chapter Text

Now you might be asking, why did I put Jak and Daxter on the same world as Xenoblade? And my answer is… … …I dunno.

Gourmet 2: Precursor Pair

Nintendia Galaxy

The Ace Hunter was a huge, black spaceship, its bottom hull shaped like a pirate ship with a dome over its “deck.” It had a knife and fork crossed over under the keel and Augustus’s skull over it. The same design was seen on the flag atop the ship. Soon after leaving GKND, Augustus seemed to have already decided their route. Under his instruction, Haylee steered the ship to the next galaxy, their course set for a certain planet.

“The Precursor Pair?” Yuzu asked.

“Legend says it’s an amazing soup the ancient spirits of Mira once ate.” August replied. “Seems like it’d be cool for the menu.”

“Captain, you sound like you were already planning to hunt for it.” Haylee inferred. “Why else are we heading to Mira so quickly?”

“Well, I was. I was gonna hunt for the festival, too. It’s part of the reason I went to New Galaxia. ’Course, now I got swept up in an important mission with you brats.”

“So, does this mean all those other hunters are gonna hunt for Full Courses, too?”

“Not exactly, but some of them do. That’s why they have seven days to hunt. But that’s hardly enough time to get a Full Course, depending on what foods they hunt for.”

“But even if we collect these eight ingredients, we couldn’t really attend the festival, could we?” Yuzu asked regrettably. “If the prophecy really is talking about Gourmerry, and she’ll threaten to eat everything… we couldn’t really chance it by taking her.”

“But O-Tama wisheth to attend festive feast!” Tama shouted. “August’n, thou hast promised! O-Tama shalt keep Gourmerry behaven!”

“I know you will, Tama, but Yuzu brings up a good point. And it would be pretty lame if we had to wait four whole years for another festival. In that case, we need to find these ingredients in six days!”

“There’s no way we can manage that.” Yuzu wept. “I’ll get so sleepy…”

“Ahem.” coughed Stewie Griffin, the infant scientist of the Marzipan Crew. “Not that anyone has forgotten, but I do have a time machine.”

“Time machine?”

“It can’t go forward past the ‘present’ time, but it should come in handy in the event we need an extra day or two.”

“Riiiiight.” Haylee drawled in remembrance. “’Cause you used that to get the Cursed Caramels.” She remembered that embarrassing incident fondly.

“Yes, when you’re an age-frozen infant, manipulation of time becomes second nature.”

“Well, no offense, but it’s really worrisome to know that an evil baby just has something like that.”

“Well, Haylee, say I decided to go back in time and kill you, you would still exist in this time. But I, however, would end up in an alternate universe where you don’t exist.”

“Oh…so, that’s how other universes are made?”

“Well, those types of universes are doomed to be lost and destroyed. Ergo, I would be the one getting punished, not you.”

“Ah…well, that’s good… I guess.” Haylee still didn’t quite understand time travel… and she was thankful she scrapped her own time machine after Sunni and Darcy’s little “incident.”

“So, Augustus,” Yuzu began, “I noticed there were four items on your list. Are we going to get those, too?”

“Well, this is Gourmerry’s Full Course we’re trying to make here. Granted, Gourmet Hunters are allowed to share the same items between menus, but for the most part, they have to be original. Different combos of food lead to different results. So, when we find her items, I might not add them to my course or vice-versa.”

“That makes sense. In that case, maybe I should try to make my own full course, too. I’ve already got some ideas; and it’s not like a Full Course has to be these crazy rare ingredients, right?”

“That’s right! But for Gourmerry’s sake, a little adventure will do her some good.”

“Okay, we’re almost there.” Haylee announced. “Where do we land, Captain?”

“Take us near that island.” Augustus pointed on the digital map.

“Ah, I see it now. Brace yourselves, we’re entering the atmosphere!”

The upper hemisphere of Planet Mira was covered in a sea of clouds, on which country-sized Titans swam and where people made home. On the sea in the lower hemisphere were the two largest Titans, Bionis and Mechonis. However, the hunters steered their ship toward one of the ordinary islands of the planet. The Ace Hunter landed in the ocean, and a hatch opened for the Ace Sailor to depart.

Haylee brought up a map of Mira on GKND’s Guide to the Galaxy on the computer. She clicked the island they were near. “This is Precursor Island, home to an indigenous tribe of long-earred humans and other creatures. They possess unique technology and learn to bond with nature and harness nature’s chi.”

“Isn’t that basically element bending?” Yuzu asked.

“Yeah, but these guys are more spiritual, I hear.” Augustus clarified. He spoke this next part with a cool, mystical tone: “If they don’t know something, they ask the trees. If the trees don’t know, the trees ask the rocks. But sometimes, even the rocks may not know…”

“And… that’s a big deal?” the chef asked confusedly.

“Maybe. The spirits who founded this island are known as Precursors, like the soup we’re looking for. The legends say the Precursor Pair is the culmination of this island’s chis.”

“That sounds like it would taste pretty intense. Where do we find it?”

“Heck if I know~” August shrugged casually. “Let’s find a port and ask the locals! The rest of you stay and guard the ship, we’ll call if we need you.”

“Aye-aye, Cap’n.” Rallo saluted.

Augustus, Yuzu, Tama, and Gourmerry rode the smaller ship toward the island. They saw a port near a cliffside, where it seemed huts were built within promontories, situated at high altitudes and overlooking the sea. The sky was gloomy and cloudy as it threatened to rain any moment. They docked near a pier and stepped off. “Gourmerry…” The Firstborn gazed up at the village curiously, dripping drool.

“Doth thou hunger, O-Merry?” Tama popped a dango from her cheek and fed her. Gourmerry beamed in joy!

“We gotta keep Tama fed, too, at this rate.” Augustus noted. “She grows hungrier the more she produces dangos. Speaking of which, can you fight, Yuzu?”

“I have this!” Yuzu revealed a wristband on her arm, pressed a button, and projected an energy arrow. “Ururu made this for me to defend myself. Oh, and you see this dial?” The underside of the wristband had a dial. “If I twist it, it’ll send a jolt through my body and turn me into Yuzunite.”

“What the heck is that?”

“She’s my split personality. She’s tougher than I am, so she’ll be handy in a tight spot.”

“Interesting! But for the most part, you can leave the heavy hitting to me. Let’s find whoever’s in charge of this place.” (Play “Rock Village” from Jak and Daxter.)

Menu 1: Precursor Pair

Recipe: Find information about the ingredient.

Act 1: Rockover Village

There were parts of the pier that were broken, so the group jumped the wooden pegs left standing from the surface. They followed the boardwalks toward a cave in the left cliff. As the cave curved rightward, they were attacked by Lurker Crabs, which lurked in large hermit shells. “Eeek!” Tama panicked and whacked the crabs away with her bamboo staff. Augustus slashed the ones that tried to drop from the ceiling.

“August-san, knock that one out, don’t kill it!” Yuzu said, pointing at a ceiling crab. Augustus chucked his Gobstopper at the creature and KO’ed it. Yuzu tied the crab up and stored it in her Infi-Cube. “I can sense more freshness from it. It’ll make a good meal later.” As they proceeded through the cave, August used a Haki punch to take down a wall of crates, some spilling apples that Yuzu chose to collect. The cave exited back to the sea, where they could jump floating crates to reach a spiral path going up around one of the island pillars. (Swimming in the sea itself was not advised due to the sharks swimming around.)

The stone path led onto a wooden one as it brought the crew up into a fishing hut. There appeared to be an armored, muscular Long-Ear sleeping on a chair. “Snoooore…oo, w-what?” He was startled awake by the sound of creaking floorboards. “Oh…hi, travelers… where you kids from…?”

“Uh, hey.” Augustus greeted simply. “Would you know anything about the Precursor Pair?”

“Yawn, I dunno… I’m just a retired Village Warrior-turned-Village Fisherman. If you want Precursor stuff, go check out that big temple place up there.” He pointed to a path up between the cliffs. “Saw some guys goin’ that way earlier… one of them’s a short-earred kid about your age.” He looked to Augustus.

“Other guys, huh?” August asked, getting a new lollipop. “Something I was actually worried about is if other hunters were after the same things we were after. If that’s the case, we may end up fighting them for it.”

“Well, my team specializes in rivalry.” Yuzu smiled. “So, I’m prepared for that. Let’s keep going!”

“Thanketh thee, Fisher Warrior!” Tama bowed.

There was a crane holding a rowboat and a lever attached to it. The group got in the boat as August tossed his Gobstopper at a lever, making the crane turn and hang the boat near a plank. They leapt onto the plank and to a boarded stairway leading up another pillar. There were hooks hanging from a rope connected to the cliff. The girls held Augustus as he swung the hooks using his Licorope. They landed on a path that sloped up the cliff, finding a dead end and five mechanical pads of a light-brownish color. There was a pressure pad that would make the pads rise up via geysers of electrical chi, elevated like stairs. Tama made a Shadow Clone to hold the switch down, allowing the group to jump their way up the platforms.

A light rain began to pour over the region. The group reached a dead end with a rope hanging overhead, leading to a pillar of huts. Tama made another Shadow Clone to be lifted onto the rope and carefully balance across. Shy Guys tried to cartwheel over the rope, but she batted them off. On the other side, Tama could drop into a hanging basket platform and have it carry her back to her team. August, Yuzu, and the real Tama climbed in to ride it to the huts. “Shy Guys?” Augustus questioned. “They ain’t native to this planet…” He felt all the more suspicious that they weren’t the only hunters here.

The group followed some stairs down and around the pillar, reaching a thin bridge leading to the route within the cliff. The bridge appeared rickety with worn rope. “Let’s go one at a time.” Yuzu suggested. The chef crossed first, stepping gently and taking note of the unstable boards. Tama crossed next, easy with her lightweight frame. Unfortunately, when Augustus began to cross, the bridge gave way and snapped on his end! “August’n!” Tama cried. However, the captain held onto the bridge and managed to climb up to safety.

“Nothing to worry about!” August assured spiritedly. “This place sure has poor management, seriously.”

The group followed a rather narrow, rugged path within a trench. Just as they turned a corner, a black-armored robot slashed claws at them. They dodged back, and Augustus drew his Lemon Cutlass to clash with the mech. It had a Shy Guy’s face painted on it. “What are you guys doing here?!” August demanded as he dented the armor with Haki fists. Yuzu got behind the robot to shoot it with Soul Arrows, dealing enough damage to destroy the mech as the Shy Guy pilot fell out. Augustus KO’ed the masked creature, but as the path grew wider, three more Face Guys ambushed them.

…

A blonde-haired boy with clear blue eyes and a red jacket slashed down more of these robots with a mechanical sword generating an energy blade. As their pilots fled from them, several heaps of scrap lay ruined around the field of Precursor ruins, a large temple built into the cliffs. “These have to be all the stolen Mechon parts we’ve heard about.” Shulk said.

“Hey, Shulk!” An orange and yellow rodent with a big mouth skittered up. It resembled a hybrid of an otter and weasel. “Jak lost track of the boss. He didn’t come around this way, did he?”

“No, Daxter. It’s just been these smaller ones. But I…” Shulk’s eyes glowed blue. “What?! It’s him again?!”

“Him who?” Daxter asked.

“Daxter, listen to me…”

After fighting their way past the robots, the Marzipans arrived at the ruins, gazing up at the large temple as the rain began to pick up. “Maybe the soup is in there?” Yuzu wondered.

“It’s a place to start.” August replied. “But there’s probably a ton of ruins like this on the island. But look at all these robots…” He took note of the ruined Mechon laying about. “Hm?”

Among those Mechon was something highly odd: an orange weasel-otter doing a silly dance in which he shook his hindquarters. “What’s that little thing?” Yuzu asked.

“No way! Is that an Ottsel?” Augustus gaped.

“Ottsel?”

“I saw them in a book. They’re like a really rare species on this planet. Hah, and one’s just showing up… I gotta know how it tastes!”

“A rare creature?” Yuzu questioned. “I…I don’t know about that…”

“Come on, I don’t think they’re endangered or anything. Let’s just catch this one,” Augustus casually approached the Ottsel, “see how it-” and it suddenly scampered over and up the hunter’s pants. “AAAH! OUCH, OUCH, GET THE *** OFF ME!”

“O-Tama shalt saveth thee!” Tama ran up and started bashing Augustus with her staff, missing the Ottsel at every chance.

The Ottsel escaped just as Shulk rushed out, his sword extended as he SLASHED the captain, who barely defended in time with Haki on his chest. “It’s you again!” Shulk shouted. “You’re the one who attacked Riki!”

“You’re that kid from Bionis!” August recognized. “The hell are you doing here?!”

“You know this guy, Captain?” Yuzu asked.

“Kind of. I kinda tried to take his friend’s drool one time.”

“Why?! Do you have some kind of kink or something?!”

“I won’t let you pirates take anything else from us!” Shulk vowed. (Play “You Will Know Our Names” from Xenoblade!)

Sub-boss: Shulk

Augustus raised his Lemon Cutlass to intercept Shulk’s Monado—the candy sword was melted instantly. “Yep, candy swords officially suck.” The captain ran from Shulk’s onslaught, going to hide behind a circular ruin. Shulk ran around the other way, but Augustus twirled his Gobstopper in his hand and threw it, keeping the rotation as it drilled against Shulk’s waist. The Gobstopper returned to August as he continued to evade the boy. “Speed!” Shulk surged with blue chi and zoomed after him. August stopped and threw a punch, but Shulk dodged and cut his hip. He jumped back when August tried to grab him, but the captain lashed his Licorope to wrap Shulk’s leg and trip him.

Augustus jumped on Shulk’s chest and kicked his jaw, but jumped off before he could slash the Monado. Shulk’s speed wore off, so August threw his Gob-Spinner again. “Shield!” Shulk conjured an orange barrier around himself, but the Spinner was able to drill against it enough to break it, allowing August to run up and punch Shulk in the face. He jumped back when Shulk slashed and threw the Spin again. “Jump!” Shulk began leaping about like a grasshopper, trying to land on August with jump strikes. I think those powers have a timer. I’ll just wait until then. Augustus kept dodging until the green aura around Shulk died off, quickly seizing the chance to hit his stomach with the Gob-Spin.

Tama was slamming her staff on the ground, trying to hit Daxter, but the Ottsel was a swift evader. “GYAH!” The rodent was grabbed from behind by a clone of Tama.

“The hunter doth capture thee!”

“Get off me, sweet cheek! I ain’t no one’s dinner!”

“THOU CANST TALK?!” Both Tamas screamed. (“Gourmerry?”)

A flurry of bullets shot along the ground, the Tamas jumping apart from their range. “Hey, kid! Get your hands off Daxter!” They looked atop the hill, seeing a Long-Ear with long, spiky blonde hair, a blue jacket, and combat pants and boots. He got out of his hovercar with a gun in hand.

“Jak!” Shulk called. “These pirates attacked us before!”

“We just wanted saliva!” Augustus argued.

“Let’s see if he likes this!” Jak charged up to the pirate gun blazing, forcing Augustus to retreat behind a large, fallen statue head.

“Yeah, kick his nuts, Jak!” Daxter squirmed in Tama’s grasp. “I’ll deal with this one!” He forcefully bit the clone’s arm as it poofed into smoke. Afterwards, Daxter scampered up the real Tama, the ninja crying in fear as the rodent bit into her cheek. Tama shook her head frantically and swung Daxter off, but a piece of her cheek was kept in his mouth. Daxter instinctively swallowed the piece. “How do ya like me now, sweet… CHEEKS!” Hearts popped into Daxter’s eyes. “Holy moly, that tasted amazing!” He approached Tama with swooned eyes, speaking in a smooth tone. “Too bad my girlfriend don’t got cheeks like yours. Fancy telling me the secret?”

“Mayhaps if thou aid Captain August’n.” Tama pointed.

“Y-You want me to stop Jak and Shulk? But Jak is my buddy. And I don’t really care for that guy at all.”

“I shalt reward thee with more feed!”

“Well, when ya put it that way…”

Augustus threw the Gob-Spin at Jak, who performed his own whirling kick attack to counter it and endure. “Thanks, Shulk!” he said to his comrade, who had warned him of the attack beforehand.

“That’s some pretty good Haki you have there.” Augustus said to Shulk.

“I don’t use Haki. The Monado gives me Future Sight.” Shulk explained. “No matter what attack you throw, I will know it!”

“If that were true, you wouldn’t have taken any damage! I bet your foresight needs to recharge, too.” Augustus charged at Shulk, but Jak ran to intercept, ready to engage in fisticuffs. “It’s time to start fighting like a hunter!” Hardening his left hand, he shaped his fingers like a fork. “FORK!” The aura of his Haki shaped like a large fork, thrusting into Jak and pushing him back. Shulk caught him, then raised his Monado to slash Augustus, who jumped back. Jak drew a red shotgun and blasted the captain, who hardened himself in defense.

“Jak, wait!” Daxter ran in his way. “This might be a misunderstanding. Do we even know why these guys are attacking?”

“What makes you say that?”

“I’m just saying, a kid with cheeks that tasty can’t be all bad, right?”

“What the hell are you even talking about?”

“He’s right, this needs to stop now!” Yuzu stood behind Daxter and faced Augustus, arms spread. “We need to make them see we don’t mean any harm!”

Daxter looked up—he flushed and looked down after seeing up Yuzu’s skirt. “Whoops, bad spot.”

“Alright then.” Jak put his weapon away. “What are you guys doing here? Why were you attacking Shulk?”

“He took Riki’s saliva!” Shulk stated.

“What the hell?”

“Fine, I’m sorry!” August gave in. “I didn’t mean any harm, I’m just an innocent Gourmet Hunter. I only came here ’cause I’m looking for the Precursor Pair.”

“So, you’re not responsible for these Mechon then?” Shulk asked.

“Heck no!”

“Dagnabbit! You stupid bots couldn’t even beat that brat?”

The group faced up at the cliff, seeing a large bulky robot with a long chin. “IT’S HIM!” Shulk yelled. “The Mechon!”

“Who’s controlling it, anyway?” Jak asked. “The Mechon are supposed to be good now, aren’t they?”

Augustus gasped: there was a logo on the robot’s armor, resembling a beast’s skull with tusks, a curved knife and curved pitchfork to its sides. “That symbol! It’s Gourmet Corp.!”

“Gourmet What?”

“They’re an underworld organization that steals and poaches rare ingredients. I hear they’re responsible for a lot of species going extinct.”

“Are they Gourmet Hunters?” Yuzu asked.

“Yes, but they’re the lowest you can get. They have no respect for what they hunt and only care about feeding their selves.”

“And I’m getting pretty dang hungry! I saw some yummy-looking Yakow in that village over there. Think I’m going to fill my belly up a smidge, ehk kek kek!” The Mechon lifted up and flew beyond the cliffs. (End song.)

“Damn him! Come back here!” Shulk raced after him.

“He’s heading for Sandover Village!” Jak exclaimed. “Let’s go, Daxter!”

“Wait!” August shouted. “Do you know where the Precursor Pair is?”

“Augustus, now’s not the time for that!” Yuzu shouted.

“Don’t worry!” Augustus grabbed his communicator and said, “Haylee, you and the kids look for Sandover Village! It’s about to be attacked by a robot!”

“I see it on the map! I’ll get there ASAP, Captain!”

“What do you even want?!” Jak asked.

“If Gourmet Corp. is here, they must be looking for the Precursor Pair. I need to know where it is. If we take it, we can lure them away from the island.”

“And what do YOU even want with that?”

“So, you know where it is?” August smirked.

“Hmph. I’ve never seen it myself, but it’s supposed to be inside this big temple right here. Now if you excuse me, I have a Mechon to stop.”

“There might be more of them.”

“What do you mean?”

“Some of them could already be inside the temple. And if not that, they could be lured over here when we start to go in. If a ton of them show up, we could use some extra help taking them down.”

“And why should we care about YOU guys?!” Daxter asked.

“Wouldst thou please, Otter-san?” Tama pled cutely.

“I’ll do anything for you, Sweet Cheeks!” Daxter grinned.

“Sigh…I guess I should keep an eye on you guys, anyway.” Jak said. “But if anyone in Sandover gets hurt, it’s on you guys.”

“You can count on our friends to help!” Yuzu cheered.

“Right.” Jak scoffed, Daxter climbing onto his shoulders. “Let’s get this over with. First we need to figure out how to get in.”

Hidden behind a ruin, Victoria watched the travelers in secret. “That fool Eustace couldn’t even draw them all away.” The queen-clothed woman spoke with a British accent. “This is going to get complicated…” (Play “Forbidden Jungle Temple” from Jak and Daxter!)

Act 2: Precursor Ruins

The entrance to the temple resembled a lobby with a rotatable door. The door matched the architecture of the building and required both Augustus and Jak’s strength to push it, the group confining their selves together to stay with the door. Once inside, they had to maneuver their way through other, auto-rotating doors with spikes, carefully staying between them until they were fully past. Entering a corridor, they were attacked by small robots with Precursor heads, their mouths glowing as they spat blue lasers at the intruders. Jak used the Scatter Gun to blow the Guardians on their backs, exposing their weak bottoms as Augustus threw the Gobstopper against them.

They reached a floorless part of the hall with thin ledges leading along the wall, lasers skimming up and down, and a switch on the other side. “Tama, you and the weasel can cross that.” August said.

“The name is Daxter, smarty!”

“Oh, and I’m Jak. In case you get that wrong, too.”

Tama made a clone, barefoot as it carefully sidled the ledge, followed by Daxter. Evading the lasers, they reached the end of the ledge, and Daxter used Tama’s hands as a catapult to fling to an opposite ledge. He kept sidling, but reached a dead end. Tama made another clone as the previous clone flung her over to that same ledge. It sidled over to Daxter and helped him up to a higher ledge. From there, he could reach the end and drop down to press the switch, making a floor cover the chasm. The group crossed into a round room with a Precursor statue that had an open stomach, and several bowls of soup on a table.

“I haven’t eaten a good, hot soup in centuries. Feed me, mortals!” the statue ordered in an ominous, echoing voice.

“So, we gotta feed him one of these soups?” Daxter asked, climbing onto the table. “Alright, pop one in, Jak.”

“It can’t be that easy.” Jak said, looking over the different bowls of still, stale-looking soup. “Uck! Just looking at them, I don’t bet any of them are good.”

“Wait, this one actually feels fresh.” Yuzu said, looking over a dark-green soup.

“That disgusting thing?!” Daxter shouted. “Ya might as well be drinkin’ from a swamp!”

“This soup is made with ingredients that actually help it become tastier with age. We just need to heat it up to really bring out its flavor.” Yuzu noticed the temperature dial connected to the statue. She took the soup and placed it in the statue’s stomach. “Jak, shoot your red gun at that to raise it to 300 degrees.”

Jak shot the Scatter Gun at the dial, causing the statue’s interior to heat up like an oven. The soup emitted a green gas that flowed out the nose. “Ahhh…waiting for someone to solve this puzzle has been worth it. You may proceed, mortals.” A door opened to the next chamber.

“Wasn’t expecting something like that.” Jak said. “Who even are you guys?”

“Do you know about the Gourmet Hunt going on?” August asked. “We’re sort of participating in it.”

“So what, we’re helping you with some competition?”

“Not a competition per se, but…”

“There’s more to it than that!” Yuzu said. “You see that thing on Tama’s back?”

“That thing?” Daxter looked down at Gourmerry. “’Thought that was some monster baby doll.”

“Gourmerry?” said the Firstborn.

“Well, she’s a spirit who might destroy the universe if we don’t feed her.”

“WHAT?!”

“Th-That’s why we really need to get what’s in here!” Yuzu reasoned hastily. “It’s a lot to explain, but… we’re really sorry for troubling you.”

“Shulk was right to have a bad feeling about you.” Jak glared at Augustus. “Fine, we’ll help out for now. But you better not screw us over, or we’ll kill you.” He raised his gun at the captain threateningly.

“You have my word as a hunter!”

“I feel like we should’ve talked about this before coming in…” Yuzu said.

The next room consisted of a wide chasm. Pairs of small helicopters rose up, carrying bars. August volunteered to swing the bars; each one he grabbed made a new one rise up, their heights varying as he had to swing with good precision and momentum, and quickly before his current bar fell. Meanwhile, Fly Guys lowered down, trying to shoot him with small rockets, but Jak shot the Shy Guys down with his Yellow Blaster. He managed to defend August enough for him to reach the other side, press a switch, and make platforms for the others to cross.

They entered a wide passage where a group of large, spider-like Face Guys attacked them. “So, they really did make it in here.” Augustus said, tossing his Gob-Spinner at a Mechon. Jak switched to his Vulcan Barrel, firing an array of blue bullets to break the robots’ legs. Augustus pounded them enough to breach their armor with Haki and yank the Shy Guys out. A Mechon charged at Jak directly, but the Long-Ear knocked it down with great strength, beating the robot until it was broken. “Say, Jak, those guns are from Schnee Dust, aren’t they? Those are Nature Crystal lights.”

“Yeah, me and Schnee Dust aren’t really on good terms.”

“Jak used to be a mute before they messed him up.” Daxter said. “Now he swears up a storm!”

They came to a chasm with a red target hovering over it. Jak shot it with the Scatter Gun as it tilted to become a platform. When Jak jumped on it, a blue target came up, so he switched to the Vulcan to shoot it. The group carefully jumped the platforms as Jak swapped his ammo as necessary; any wrong shot would cause all the platforms to fall, and the same if they took too long. Past this puzzle, the group stepped down a flight of stairs, but some stair segments thrusted up to try and push them into the spiked ceiling. Large Tile Worms were under these segments, and the group could determine their positions by the moving segments.

The door at the base of the stairs was sealed, but there was a design of a wavy line with an arrow pointing downward. They deduced there was a switch under one of the worms. “Hey, I can feel a healthier diet from this worm.” Yuzu pointed at one. “Maybe the switch is under it.”

“Tama, feed it a dango.” August requested. Tama nodded and fed the worm, and once it seemed to fall in love with her, Tama asked it to burrow underneath and flip the switch. In a second, the door opened. They entered a large chasm room with a single wide platform designed to move along a track like a coaster. August asked Tama to get on his back and Yuzu onto Jak’s. Once they stepped on the platform, it began to move across the track at a quick pace. Flamethrowers spewed from random parts, prompting them to jump with good timing. The platform was about to go under some spikes, but the group could jump the heads of Fly Guys to get over the spikes, keeping up with the platform’s momentum to land back on it.

The platform traveled on a snaky track, in which they had to jump a fire trap over one curve, falling downward afterward, but the platform caught them in time as it traveled down a sloped track. However, at the base of the slope, the platform hit a spring and shot up, the men having to leap right at the top as the momentum flung them to a distant door. Despite the weight of the girls on their backs, the group made it. They could enter the next chamber… but Daxter noticed a hidden ladder on the right. Curious, the group climbed the ladder down, letting them off on a foothold with another passage. A faint blue light shone from the room beyond the passage. (Play “Fluff Festival” from Mario Sunshine.)

There were several large Precursor statues in this room… along with giant dandelions, some growing from the statues’ eyes. They were all so fluffy-looking. A jovial, wooden guitar tune was playing. They searched this room, wondering what could be hidden within. It was then they noticed a statue in the corner had a black-and-white fluffball in its eye. It was certainly different in texture from the other dandelions. Daxter climbed up the statue and pulled the fluff out.

It was a monochrome cat. She was perfectly rounded and ovular. Her eyes were yellow and purple, mismatched. She had a yellow- and purple-feathered pin on her left, black ear. A bow of similar colors was on her tail. She had no legs, but little paws. The cat strolled up to Daxter, turned, and gently whacked him with her tail. She stepped into a soft blue ray of light. Gazing up, the kitten began to ascend into the light. They could only watch, transfixed as the kitten drew further and further into the light. She had gone… but her presence here left a little bundle of floof in their hearts. (End song.)

You found a Kittentia! There’s one in each level! Be sure to find them all!

They climbed back up the ladder and entered a large chamber with a Precursor statue, two tubes going from its head to the ceiling, and several Pyro Guys (Shy Guys made of fire) running around it.

“I’m sure the Precursor Pair is around here somewhere.” One of them said. “Maybe it’s in this thing. How do we open it?”

“Leave that to us, buddy!” Augustus remarked, slamming the fiery creatures with Haki fists. The Pyros all ganged up on the captain, but his quick fists and kicks kept them away, though he suffered some burns to the head as some managed to graze him. Once the Shy Guys were KO’ed, their fires died as he shoved them over to a corner. “Okay, let’s figure this statue out. What are those tubes in its head?”

“Hey, there’s some nob thingies over on this wall.” Daxter called from the right wall, Tama going to observe with him.

“Some on this wall, too.” Jak said beside the left wall.

Yuzu went to observe these nobs as well. “What’s that writing say above them?”

“This one says ‘Sun Tomato,’ this one is ‘Fire Nebula,’ this is ‘Lunar Wisp’…” Jak translated.

“This says ‘Brog Intestine,’” Daxter read his end, “this says ‘Toxicap,’ this one’s ‘Igna Brain’… yuck!”

“I think I get it…” Yuzu said, looking up at the ceiling tubes. “If we turn the dials, a certain amount of these ingredients will flow into the statue. We just need to figure out the right…” Yuzu began to turn the nobs on Jak’s side, setting them at different positions. She listened for the substances flowing into the statue. Afterwards, she hurried to Daxter’s side and turned the nobs as necessary.

“You on to something, Yuzu?” Augustus asked. “How do you know what to set them to?”

“It must be my Observation Haki.” Yuzu replied. “I trained myself to know what ingredients are inside recipes just from a look, and it’s helped me make better recipes in turn. …Look!”

There were two windows on the statue’s chest as one chamber filled with a bright, white liquid and another with a dark-purple liquid. “A culinary Observation Haki…” Augustus smiled, pulling the lolli stick out. “There are other chefs who have that ability. They call it Food Luck.”

“Food Luck?”

“A good chef listens to the ‘voice’ of their ingredients. They know what the ingredients want and how to be prepared. It’s the sure sign of a true chef.”

“Yeah yeah,” Jak said impatiently, “so can we just get the Precursor Pair and go? You said this would lure the robots away from the island.”

“Fine. Now we just need to get it out of here somehow.”

“Hah hah hah hah!” the ominous voice laughed. The crew gasped, facing the statue. “Many thanks for pumping me with fresh Light and Dark Chi! Oh, I haven’t had a good Precursor Pair in AGES!” Both chis seemed to flush from the windows. Two orbs pumped out from the bottom of the statue, one made of white light and one dark.

“W-Wait, WHAT?!” Daxter gawked.

“Th-The Precursor Pair is…?!” Jak gasped.

“Uck!” Augustus cringed. “I didn’t think we’d be in the gross part of the profession so soon!”

“You thieving mortals dare to take my Pair?” The statue’s two connected pillars rose up as legs. “You’d have to be truly nuts to do so. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll be kicking you out now!” (Play “Being Chased” from Conker’s Bad Fur Day!)

Boss fight: The Big Precursor

The statue stomped its legs and charged at Jak, the Long-Ear ready to shoot the weak spot with his Scatter Gun. “No, don’t do that!” Yuzu yelled, jumping to weigh Jak’s gun down. “AAAH!” They were kicked away by the Precursor’s leg. The statue twisted and readied to charge them again, but Augustus caught its left knee in his Licorope, struggling to restrain the statue. The statue shook its leg and flung Augustus away, freeing itself as the statue about-faced and charged at him next. Augustus flipped back up and dodged its kick just in time. “Guys, try to knock it down, like with those smaller statues!” Yuzu requested.

“I hope you’re on to something!” Jak said, shooting his Yellow Blaster at the left leg. The statue turned and charged, but Augustus caught the right leg in his Licorope and restrained the statue again. Jak kept shooting the left leg, causing the Precursor to fall on its back.

“I shouldn’t need to call Yuzunite for this.” Yuzu said as she drew two pans from her Infi-Cube. “But here goes!” She ran up with both pans spread out. Once at the Precursor Pair, she SLAMMED both pans against the orbs as if trying to mash them together. “OOOOOOG!” The Precursor sprung back up on its feet, rampantly stomping around the room to shake off the pain. As it rammed around the walls, smaller Precursor Guardians fell from the ceiling. The boys had to knock the robots on their backs and strike their weak undersides, all while dodging the angry Big Precursor.

Once its Guardians were defeated, the Precursor retracted its orbs back into its body. It resumed trying to kick the intruders, the group scattering about to confuse it. August was able to get behind and rope the statue’s knee, but it performed a spin and swung him off. Augustus viewed up at the upper wall and noticed the bars jutting out. “Jak, lure it over!” August used the Licorope to swing up to those bars. Jak shot the statue to anger it, the Precursor stomping over for a kick. Jak dodged and ran underneath, going under Augustus as the Precursor turned and chased. Augustus dropped and hardened his hand as his Haki’s aura shaped like a mallet. “MALLET!” He bashed the head with sheer, blunt force, causing the Pair to poke back out the bottom. The statue was still dizzy, so Yuzu ran up with the pans ready. She slammed the pans over the Pair.

“OOOOOOG!” The statue frantically ran away again, ramming the wall as more Guardians fell. The boys destroyed the Guardians again, but now the statue was trying to evade them entirely, shooting laser bullets from its eyes. Jak and Augustus maintained their position, distracting the statue as O-Tama sidled the wall and snuck behind it. She made a stack of Shadow Clones as the highest clone could leap onto the Precursor’s knee, and from there jump to the head. “Grah?! Where did you come from?!” The statue spun its head in attempt to shake Tama off. When it failed to do so, it charged and rammed Tama into the wall. The clone poofed away, but Augustus had roped up to the bars in order to smash down on the head with another Mallet.

The statue became dizzy again as Yuzu ran up from behind. “This should do it!” She smashed the orbs into the pans once more. This time, the orbs fully compressed into the two pans, and Yuzu retreated as she kept them closed. “AAAAAaaaahhh…” It felt as if a cloud of stress and tension left the Precursor’s body, feeling lightheaded and relieved. “It’s always an odd feeling when the ball drops… but it’s gotta happen eventually. Many thanks… mortals…” The Precursor fell on its back in defeat. (End song.)

Yuzu quickly turned the pans in an upright position, so both were filled with the light and dark soup. She grabbed a ladle and began to stir one of the pans. “This soup is a balance of Light and Darkness.” Yuzu said. “We just need to give it a little Yin-Yang… and now it’s nice and balanced.” She dipped a drop of the dark side into the light side and vice-versa. The surface of the soup now resembled a Yin-Yang symbol.

“Wow…” was all Jak could say. True, a soup made of ‘Light’ and ‘Darkness’ was mystical, and the symbol was a neat aesthetic… but the process of getting this soup was just too weird for the result to make sense.

Tama unstrapped Gourmerry from her back and held her in both hands. “Here, Gourmerry.” Yuzu smiled, filling a spoon with the soup. The spoon seemed to automatically swirl into a smaller Yin-Yang. “Try a sip.”

The Firstborn slurped the Pair. As she usually does, she had swallowed it quickly… and yet, there was a lingering taste in her mouth. “Mmmmm…” She closed her eyes, and in her dark vision, a ball of light began to swirl and dance around. The light was swimming in the dark like a liquid, as if Gourmerry’s fears and worries were being shuffled about by hope and joy. It was the first time she had processed a taste in such a manner, savored the way of it dancing in her mouth. “Gourmeeeeerryyyyy!”

“She’s never made that expression before.” Yuzu said. “Usually, she’d just suck it all down… I think it’s actually working!”

“What’s working?” Jak asked.

“The reward of a long journey.” August smiled. “Gourmerry’s always just sat in a room and waited for her food to come. She’s never come out this far to search for a good meal.”

Jak took a sip of the soup himself. “Mmmm…damn, that’s good. That’s REALLY good!” He took another sip. “Daxter, you gotta try this!”

There was a moment of silence with everyone expecting Daxter’s response. “…Daxter?”

“Oh?” Tama looked around. “Where hast Otter-san gone?”

“Seems like quite the delicious stew you’ve brewed.” A British voice spoke. The group turned toward the entrance: Victoria stepped out of the shadows, holding Daxter by the neck in one hand and a butcher’s knife in the other hand. “But which sounds more appetizing? The ‘Pair’ of an ancient spirit, or a rare Ottsel in the prime of its youth? Decide quickly, because I’m getting very hungry!”

“Put the Ottsel down, lady!” Jak demanded, training his Vulcan on the queenly woman. “Who are you, and where did you come from?!”

“You may address me as Queen Victoria.” (From Pirates! Band of Misfits.)

“Queen Victoria?!” Yuzu exclaimed. “Then Jinta was right! Queen Victoria really DID bargain with the angels for immortality!”

“What?” Augustus asked. “Get ahold of yourself, this is probably just some woman with a queen comple-”

“SILENCE!” Victoria commanded, the edge of her knife touching Daxter. “I came here for the Precursor Pair, but I don’t mind leaving with this little delicacy. So, will you hand over the soup or not?”

“Hah!” Daxter scoffed. “This old hag sure is afraid to fight—aaaack!” Victoria tightened her grip.

“You’re a member of Gourmet Corp., aren’t you?” Augustus asked. “I know you guys ain’t good sports, but we found this soup fair and square.”

“Augustus, don’t say that!” Yuzu shouted. “Let’s just give it to her, we already let Gourmerry try it!”

“Damn right!” Jak argued. “I ain’t letting you sacrifice Daxter over some dumb soup!”

“Just look at this lady. No way she can take all of us.” August smirked. “And if she wants to eat Daxter, she couldn’t just kill him right now.”

“I beg your pardon?” asked Victoria.

“I just KNEW you would double-cross us!” Daxter yelled. “Kick his ass, Jak!”

“Miran society is built on the bodies of gigantic creatures, including this island. That’s why there are so many sources of fresh Nature Chi, much like this Precursor Pair. And if you wanna bring out the full flavor of an Ottsel, you’d have to dip them in a pool of Light Chi and coat their fur gold, but it won’t work if they’re dead. I read about a hunter who did that. They said the taste was like a rich butter on a tender piece of sweet meat. They seasoned a bit of it with pepper that grows at Lavover Village, by the volcano, and mmm boy, did they make it sound good.”

“Buttery fur… w-with Lavover Pepper…” Victoria seemed to become awash in daydreams, her mouth drooling. “Ottsel—AAAH!” Jak KICKED her in the jaw and knocked her back, dropping Daxter as he flipped onto his friend’s shoulders.

“Damn, Jak, since when do you kick old ladies?”

“This one just pisses me off.”

“Eh, don’t beat yourself up for it.” Augustus shrugged. “If she came out this far, she must have some merit. Gourmet Corp. doesn’t just hire anybody. Well, except for Shy Guy grunts, I guess. Let’s get going before she wakes up.” He hurried past the fallen woman, the others following as Yuzu put a lid over the pan. “Check it out, another passage.” The wall of the corridor they had passed through was open. “She must’ve come this way. We can probably go out-”

“Giiive baaack my OTTSEL…” Victoria began to rise like a zombie, the group readying their selves. “I want Ottsel for dinner, and I want it NOW!” Her neck suddenly stretched!

“AAH!” yelped the girls. Victoria’s arms became black wings, her legs became birdlike, but with sneakers, and she assumed the body of an ostrich. “She’s an ostrich?!” asked Daxter.

“She’s a Devil Fruit eater!” Augustus deduced.

“We can take her, right?” Jak asked.

“Let’s just get outta here, come on!” August lifted Tama on his shoulders and ran. (Play “Dark Eco Plant” from Jak!)

The crew bolted up the hall as the ostrich pranced after, with Jak shooting the Yellow Blaster at weak pillars to make them fall and hinder Victoria’s progress. They leapt up some platform pillars to reach a higher route, and afterwards had to navigate a zigzaggy hall with multiple turns. Ninja Guys tossed shuriken at them from random turns, but August plowed the Shy Guys down with no mercy. The group held onto each other as August latched his Licorope to a ceiling handle, swinging over a chasm. He quickly retracted and latched the rope to other handles and continued swinging, but Victoria had caught up, flapping over the pit to catch up. Once they landed on a foothold, Yuzu shot a Soul Arrow at Victoria’s wing to make her flinch and drop, but she grabbed onto the edge with her beak.

They kept running, but were stopped by a thick shutter door. August and Jak shoved their fingers under the bottom, mustering the strength to pull up. They hoisted the door up just as Victoria was climbing up, and they got under and let the door drop, blocking the ostrich. Another door blocked them, but the rim was up top this time. August and Jak jumped some platforms on the sides to reach the rim and grab it, letting their bodies weigh down. The door was pulled down and open. Victoria hoisted up the previous door with her beak, but she couldn’t catch them before the 2^nd door sealed, the woman thrusting her head over as the door pinned her neck.

They had entered a vast chamber with only a chasm and a flight of stairs ascending and snaking around the chamber. The light of the outside world shone at the top, so the crew began to race up. From the top, Shy Guys were rolling barrels down, which Jak destroyed with his guns and August his fists. Victoria was able to shove the door down and prance up the stairs on her sneakered talons. The ostrich hacked coconuts with the strength of cannonballs from her throat as they launched toward the hunters. Augustus smacked the projectiles away, leaving Jak to fend off the barrels. As the chase prolonged, the Shy Guys unfortunately ran out of barrels to throw. So, they decided to be the barrels, bouncing and rolling down the stairs, but they were disposed of just as quickly by Jak’s Scatter Gun.

“Get in my belly, Ottsel!” Victoria demanded, catching up with the crew. “Spitting these coconuts is making me hungry!” She hurled one more at point-blank range.

Augustus stopped the nut in both hands, clutching and spinning as he channeled Haki to it. “You need to change your diet!” He tossed the nut straight back, having willed it to spin as it drilled against Victoria’s body. Because of the coconut’s girth, it didn’t spin as quickly, nor did it stay airborne long before it hit the stairs. “FORK!” Augustus leapt down and JABBED the ostrich with fork-shaped Haki, forcing Victoria off the stairs. The wannabe queen flapped her wings to keep from falling, but she had to flap down to a lower part of the stairs. The crew escaped the temple as the cloudy, rainy light of the outside touched them. (End song.)

They rushed down a flight of natural, grass-covered stairs along the cliff, leading into a trench passage. “Haylee, this is Augustus.” He spoke into the communicator. “How are things on your end?”

“The villagers retreated to a safe place. There’s a lot of robots and fighter planes with two officers in charge of them, but we’ve been fending them off pretty well. There’s a guy with a laser sword that’s been a big help!”

“Haylee, we’ve got the Precursor Pair! Try to let the robots know that and get back to the ship! We’ll be able to lure them away.”

“Aye-aye, Captain. Don’t wait up!”

The group halted to catch their breath. “This is where we part ways, Jak. You should get to your village.” August suggested.

“Fine by me. I was tempted to ditch you in that temple, anyway.”

“Hey, that thing you said about Ottsels.” Daxter brought up. “Was that story true?”

“No, I just made it up. But a guy can’t help but wonder~”

“Keep your teeth off me, buddy!”

“Let’s just go, Captain.” Yuzu insisted. “We’re sorry for troubling you two.”

“At least you admit it.” Jak remarked. “But I gotta admit, that’s some damn good soup.”

“Then let’s meet again sometime! I’ll be glad to give you more!”

Sandover Village

Sandover was a normally peaceful, windmill village along the south coast, but the houses and farms had become vacant under this rainy weather. “BACK SLASH!” Shulk slashed the Monado at the back of Eustace’s Mechon.

“EEEH!” Eustace retaliated by swiping his claws back, but Shulk jumped back in evasion. “You really need to learn to mind your business, brat!”

“Why do you have this Mechon armor?! Did you steal it or are there Machina working with you?”

“Shut your mouth!” Eustace furiously slashed at the boy, Shulk positioning the Monado in defense.

Haylee was piloting the Ace Flyer, engaged in a dogfight above the village. Quite literally, it was a dogfight: she was shooting down small planes piloted by aviator dogs. Maggie Simpson occupied the backseat and helped shoot the dogs down. The leader of the dogs was a human piloting a larger plane, and under his aviator’s hat, he seemed like a wide-faced, wrinkly old man. Haylee dove her plane down into a trench, curving it sideways to fit. The planes pursued, but the dog planes bumped and crashed within the small space. Haylee escaped the trench, but the enemy leader was still chasing, blasting bullets and damaging one of the wings of Haylee’s plane.

“The sky’s no place for amateur pilots!” the man declared.

“I ain’t no amateur, old timer!” Haylee faced back and tipped up her goggles, sporting a proud and perky smile as her pigtails flapped behind her. “Name’s Haylee, and I’m a natural-born Gilligan!”

“Gilligan?”

“Huh? What’s that, Captain?” Haylee pretended to say into her communicator, speaking loudly over the wind. “You got the Precursor Pair? Got it! I’ll get back posthaste!”

“What?” asked the old man in shock.

Haylee dove the plane back to the village, seeing Stewie in Hulk form helping Shulk against Eustace, as well as Rallo attacking smaller Mechon with his musicbending. “STEWIE! RALLO! Hop in, we’re returning to base! We got what we need!”

Perking up, Stewie stomped across the beach on his way to Rallo, grabbing the afro-headed boy and tossing him skyward. Rallo landed in Haylee’s plane, and Stewie jumped up afterward, shrinking back to infant form to fit. Haylee thrusted the plane up and flew across the sea.

“Eh? Where are those runts going?”

“Eustace!” The elderly pilot flew near him. “That girl said her captain got the Precursor Pair! We need to go after them!”

“Why didn’t Victoria stop them?! Dagnabbit! Muntz, grab your stupid dogs, I’ll look for Vicky, that useless…” Eustace’s Mechon lifted up and took flight.

The man known as Muntz twisted his plane back to return to the canyon. “Hmph…a Gilligan, eh…”

Shulk grit his teeth, his Monado powering down. The smaller Mechon had retreated as well, the atmosphere settling down as the rain washed the quiet village. After a while, Jak and Daxter arrived at the village. “Shulk, is everything alright?”

“I protected the villagers, and those pirates helped. I guess they aren’t all bad. Just now, the enemies retreated. What were you doing?”

“Those pirates made us go into that temple and look for some dumb soup!” Daxter answered. “We got attacked by Mechon in there, too. I’ll sure miss Tama’s Sweet Cheeks, though~” He smiled dreamily.

“Augustus said those guys would leave the island if they took the Precursor Pair.” Jak explained. “Looks like he was right. He said they work for Gourmet Corp..”

“Gourmet Corp.? Does this have to do with that event that’s taking place?”

“I can’t imagine what else.” Daxter remarked. “Every time an event happens somewhere, the whole universe gets dragged into it! They just need to stop hosting events.”

“I guess we should bring this up with our teammates.” Shulk said. “I hope this doesn’t turn into another crisis.”

“According to what they told me, it might be.” Jak replied. “Hmm…I guess I’ll have to consider waking that Blade after all.”

Ace Hunter

Once the pirates regrouped in the flagship, they quickly exited the planet’s atmosphere. The Precursor Pair was shared with everyone as they recapped each other’s stories. “So, those guys were Gourmet Corp..” Haylee said. “Are they affiliated with the Big Mom Pirates?”

“I’m sure they’ve done business with them. Heck, maybe Big Mom tried to recruit them a few times. Either way, they’re not as dangerous or well-known, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t worry about them.”

“Do you know who the members are?” Yuzu asked.

“Not exactly, but if I could learn their identities, I could maybe say more.”

“The one controlling the robot was named Eustace.” Stewie remembered.

“I cannot say more. The only Eustace I know is the old pirate, but I doubt it’s him.”

“If Gourmet Corp. is willing to hurt innocents to get what they want, we can’t just ignore them.” Yuzu said. “We should tell the KND about this.”

“Definitely.” Haylee agreed. “I’ll go and contact GKND.”

“But anyway, what do we do next, Captain? Are we on the right track? Gourmerry sure seems to like the soup, and she’s treating it differently from the other meals…”

“Then maybe this is the right answer.” August twirled the next lollipop in his fingers before sticking it in. “A meal alone won’t satisfy her, she needs an adventure to go with it. Heh, a true Linlin.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the only adventurous Linlin.”

“So, what do ya say, Gourmerry?” Augustus pulled out a menu book with a picture of the Firstborn and empty slots. “Should I add the Precursor Pair as your ‘Soup’ dish?”

“Gourmerry!” she perked up.

“Heh heh!” August got a pen and wrote the soup’s name in that slot.

“August’n, we must savor the soup, hai?” Tama asked. “Dost O-Merry need to devour Full Course once we hath it all?”

“You know, I might be able to replicate this soup myself.” Yuzu smiled. “Now that I’m tasting it, we just need to gather the right ingredients. Of course, I might ask GKND to do that, just so we don’t prolong the mission, heheh.”

“So, where to next, Cap’n?” Rallo asked.

“You know,” Stewie began, “I was doing a bit of research on other potential ingredients. Some hunters have talked about an amazing drink said to be on Historia.”

“His…toria?” Tama repeated.

“What’s it called, Stewie?” August asked.

“Emerald Green Spring. It lies in the Stone Kingdom.”

“I think that’ll be perfect! I’m sure Tama must be a little homesick.”

“Mayhaps… a bit.” Tama replied quietly. “But August’n, O-Tama fears if her grandfather will force her to return.”

“But you’re from Wano, Tama. Stone Kingdom is different. I just think it’ll be cool for Gourmerry to see your home planet, at least.”

“Hmm…mayhaps it wouldst be nice to visit!”

“But we’ll have to go through Intergalactic Travel to land on Historia.” Yuzu reasoned.

“No worries! During the Gourmet Hunt, they let hunters fly down for free… provided they show a card.”

“You know you’re a wanted man traveling with an illegally kidnapped Historian girl, right?” Rallo asked.

“Duh! That’s why I’m going there the same way we went the first time. But I’m sure Yuzu will want to go the legal way. Oh, NEEEL!”

A ray of light shone in the cabin: a tall and thick-legged cavewoman appeared, her long hair cyan and a green, cloth dress covering her. She had a broken horned skull mask and a purplish-red line painted on her face. “AUGSUS!” the Neanderthal cheered as she jumped her captain, smooshing him to her robust chest. “Nel was waiting and waiting! She cannot bear to not be on ’venture with Augsus! …” She glanced at Yuzu. “Who is unbudded girl?”

“Unbudded?!”

“Yuzu, Nel here will be your ‘hunter’ escort to Historia.”

“Is she a hunter?”

“As far as the government knows, yes.” Stewie replied, presenting a Hunter’s Card. “I’ve procured this card and hacked the website to recognize Nel as a hunter. Just in case we needed it.”

“Once Nel gets you on Historia, leave the rest to her.” Augustus assured. “We’ll be right there with you.”

GKND H.Q.

Operatives had stayed clear of the cafeteria ever since Yuzu had gone. The cloud of smog that loomed near the ceiling was a sign of the curse that had befallen this place. “Uhh…” On her way to get some food, Apis of Sector W7 looked upon the smoggy room with repulse. “What’s going on in here?”

Bender Rodríguez, the robot immune to the toxic fumes, whistled a merry tune as he dipped cigar drops into a boiling pot. “These should add a little extra flavor. Cigar buds go great with heat. Now I’ll just add the octo’s rocks,” he dropped an armful of rocks into the pot, “or, wait, was it the octo’s rocks, or the actual Octoroks? …Meh, I’ll balance it out with some Whomp teeth.” He grinded some stone teeth into dust in his hands, letting it scatter into the pot.

“Hello? Yuzu, are you in here?” Bender turned to the entrance as Apis walked in, keeping her breathing minimal. “Oh, it’s you, Bender. Where’s Yuzu?”

“I dunno. She went somewhere with Augustus, and I think they took Gourmerry.”

“Gourmerry? That’s interesting. Maybe they learned something.”

“Make sure you fill your Toadpoli with 10 Ordon frogs. Make its belly nice and big before squeezing the jelly in.”

Apis looked at the mini TV, which displayed the Neptunian chef, Elzar at Cooking Fest. “Wait, did he say Ordon frogs or ordinary frogs?” Bender asked, stuffing the blue Toadpoli with red and blue frogs. “Is Ordon a place in Hyrule? Is the color important? His are green…”

“Hey, can I help?” Apis asked.

“You a cook?”

“I cook for my friends sometimes. …I’m certainly not the best, but I’d like to make something for the festival.”

“Well, pop on a hat and get cookin’!” Bender swapped out Apis’s pointed white hat for a chef’s hat. “You have the honor of being the apprentice to Iron Chef, Bender! Cooking is my 3^rd hobby behind bending and burglary, so I’m a natural!”

“Heh heh! I’m excited to work under you! My friends are in for a real treat!”

As a fair warning to everyone, we’re probably in the long haul with this story. I wanna feature a fair amount of interaction with the crossover allies and showcase scenes with other hunters, not to mention actually finding the Full Course itself. Also, let’s wish my mom a happy 60^th birthday!

…

…

deleted scene

Shulk clashed his Monado with the sword of a Mechon. As they exchanged blows, the Mechon swung its leg into Shulk’s pelvis. “Ahh! My Xenoblade!” He fell over.

“Oh, NOW it’s Reyn time!” Reyn declared, flexing his muscles.

Chapter Text

Every time Jak asks a question, I almost keep calling him a jackass. …You know, ’cause, “Jak asked.”

Gourmet 3: Science Kingdom

Intergalactic Travel, near Historia

Haylee drove Yuzu and Nel to an Intergalactic Travel station on an average hovercar that the pirates “procured.” The two stepped off and entered the reception room, seeing a few travelers getting dressed to head to their desired area on Historia. However, there was a particular stand labeled “Gourmet Hunters.” As Yuzu followed Nel to that desk, she mentally questioned what the plan was to sneak Augustus onto the planet, and how much trouble they could get in if they were caught.

“Nel and Small-Chest Girl want go to Stone Kingdom.” Nel showed the receptionist her card. The receptionist, a Pumparian man, took and scanned the card.

“Ah, Miss Nel, eh? I see you’re already dressed for the part.” He acknowledged Nel’s primitive appearance, her legs looking strong and pumped with much combat experience. “I’d hate to be the beast that has to battle with you!”

“Green Man flatters Nel. But Nel save herself only for Augsus~”

“Augs-who?”

“Uh, she has a boyfriend.” Yuzu said quickly. “Do I need to get dressed?”

“You’re her chef companion? Yes, we’ll show you to the changing room. And I’m sorry to say you’ll have to turn in any modern-day items, including cooking utensils. It may be a Gourmet Hunt, but Historia’s customs must be honored. On this planet, especially Stone Kingdom, you must hunt with only your hands and whatever tools you can find.”

“Of course! But, we’ll be able to bring our captured ingredients back home, right?”

“Yes, of course!”

In the changing room, Yuzu discarded her green sweater, blue strap-on shoes and pink socks. She put on a blue dress made of some ancient cloth with a jagged skirt, tied with a thick rope at the waist, as well as sandals made of stone that were six inches high. “Whoa!” She had trouble balancing on the tall footwear. “Do Stone Kingdom people really walk in these?!”

“Ha ha! Yuyu silly!” Nel laughed.

Yuzu glanced down at Nel’s bare feet. Clearly, she felt more comfortable without footwear, and Yuzu wondered if she would have a hard time in these sandals. “You know what, who needs shoes?” Yuzu stepped out of the sandals and kicked them away. “Shoot, if other operatives don’t need them, it shouldn’t be that bad! Let’s go, Nel!”

Once they were prepared, the duo rode an escort ship down to the historical planet. Yuzu remembered reading about Historia on the Guide to the Galaxy: it was composed of ancient Earth cultures such as Medieval Europe or Feudal Japan, and the Galaxian government did their best to keep its nature and history free from modern technologies, with the minimal exceptions being these transport ships or metahumans.

“I must say,” began the pilot, “Stone Kingdom has been rather popular lately. Another hunter and his chef have already gone down here, and there’s been a handful of other visitors, too. That Senku fellow certainly seems to like it down here, heh.”

Twilight was nearing over this region as the transport dropped them off in a jungle. “We’ll return for you after a day has passed.” the pilot said. “You have until then to search for whatever ingredients you want. Good luck, ladies!” The ship took off before any nearby locals could be alerted.

The jungle seemed to stretch for miles, with some mountains and rivers in the distance. “Not so much a Stone Kingdom as it is a Plant Kingdom.” Yuzu commented. “So, Nel, what’s the plan to…” She heard a plop. “Nel?!” To her shock, the cavewoman had collapsed on her back. “Nel! What’s wrong?!” Yuzu bent over the woman, shaking her. “Are you sick?”

She gasped when a ray of light shone down: Nel had Descended once more with August, Tama, and Gourmerry in her arms. The Arrancar returned to her Gigai immediately. “Oh, Historia, it’s good to be back!” Augustus sprung up with arms spread. He was wearing a baggy, light-brown robe, pants, and shoes, while Tama stuck to her traditional outfit. “Yuzu, I saved this for you.” He reached in his Infi-Cube and tossed Yuzu’s wristband.

“W-Wait a second! You came here through the Spirit World?!”

“Of course! It pays to have a cavegirl spirit as a crewmate.”

“B-But won’t you get in trouble with the Spirit KND or something?”

“The SKND brought Nel to me in the first place because I was the only one who could ‘tame’ her. Otherwise, she becomes a monster of a Hollow.”

“How did you even meet her?”

“It’s a long story, but basically, I traveled back in time to dinosaur days, fed her some candy, then she fell in love with me. I met Nel when she was still a kid, but she died about this age and her spirit still held love for me for millions of years.”

Nel compressed her Gigai down to child form, pouncing onto Augustus’s shoulders. “Nel never forget that day.” The cavechild nuzzled the captain’s head.

“I’m getting a headache…” was Yuzu’s only response to the brief, but confusing story. …She glanced over at Tama, who was walking forward with a calm, reserved expression.

“Gourmerry…?” The Firstborn could sense her carrier’s feelings.

“This is… O-Tama’s world. ’Tis a different place… but O-Tama’s home is somewhere…”

Tama had never journeyed far into the forest where her hometown lied. All she would do in a day was look for fruit or practice Ninjutsu. Though she and her grandfather lived in slight poverty, her river town was peaceful and her life was simple.

“Huh?” Tama gasped. During one of her ventures into the forest, she heard a twig crack from behind some trees. Tama grabbed her bamboo staff and clutched it readily, bearing a fierce, but worried expression. She carefully stepped forward, ready to whack whatever beast may attack her.

“Oh, hey there!” Augustus leaned around a tree.

“YAAH!” O-Tama leapt and slammed her stick, but Augustus blocked it with a Haki arm. After landing on her feet, Tama observed the stranger more closely. “Wait… thou art not beast.”

“Nope! Just a friendly alien visitor.”

“Huh? O-Tama dost not understand.”

“What I mean is I’m from outer space.”

“O-Tama still dost not understand.”

“Outer space. You know, the sky? The stars at night?”

“…?” Tama still appeared royally clueless.

“Bruh, I think she means she don’t understand your language.” Rallo inferred. Tama gasped, seeing the shorter, dark-skinned boy.

“What art thou?” Tama put her hands to his fluffy afro. “Didst O-Tama discover rare animal?”

“Here, have this.” Augustus poked his finger in her ear.

“Aaah! What didst thou put in Tama’s ear?!”

“It’s a translator! Do you understand me now?”

“O-Tama…oh?” She perked up. “O-Tama… dost understand.”

“Your name’s O-Tama, huh? I’m Augustus. This here is Rallo.”

“Uck.” Rallo scoffed. “Your name reminds me of an evil politician.”

“I don’t think the ‘O’ is part of the name. It’s a prefix that all the girls use in this region.”

“Where didst thou come from? Thou doth not look like Tama’s people.”

“We’re from outer space. Do you know the stars you see in the sky at night? That’s where we come from.”

“The… stars?” Tama gazed up at the morning sky. “Thou…thou jest…”

“It’s true, kiddo. If you don’t believe me, I’ll bet you guys don’t have this.” Augustus reached into his pocket and pulled out an Infi-Cube. Tama gazed at the strange box… and gaped as Augustus sank his whole arm in. He withdrew a gold bar labeled ‘Wonka.’ “Try it.” Augustus unwrapped the gold, revealing chocolate underneath.

“What is… piece of rectangular dirt?”

“It’s candy, Tama. Bite it.”

“Can…dy?” Unsure of his intent or meaning, Tama put her teeth to the bar. She bit carefully, but it snapped off easily. The chocolate settled on her tongue like a tasty food. She chewed the bar instinctively, the taste and texture of the sweet making her euphoric. She swallowed the bite blissfully. “This is… such amazing food! O-Tama hast never eaten something so good…”

“If you want, I have plenty more.” Augustus offered. “Have it all if you like.”

“She is gonna get hella fat.” Rallo said.

“Come on, it ain’t that much. …Sniff, sniff.” An awkward smell touched his nose. “You don’t brush your teeth much, it feels like. I have some toothpaste, too, hold on…”

That was Tama’s first exposure to the outside world. Or should she say universe. Her first bite of candy and her best teeth-cleaning ever. Fluoride-free toothpaste was the best kind, Augustus had told her. While she had been fine with her simple life, those tastes opened her eyes to a greater world. Even as she stood on the soil of her homeworld, she had experienced so much outside this atmosphere that even this soil felt brand new. Well, of course it was a different region; it wasn’t like Kawa Town was her whole world, even if it felt like it.

“So, not only did you sneak an Infi-Cube on the planet,” Yuzu replied after Augustus recapped the meeting, “but you just fed candy to a random local you met? You really have no concern for consequences, do you?”

“Ain’t that what the KND was built on? You guys saved a bunch of kids from prolonged imprisonments, now it was my turn!” The captain plopped his hand over Tama’s purple-haired head. “You aren’t mad that Slag kidnapped you, are ya, Tama?”

“No! O-Tama was so happy!” She cheered with fists pumped. “O-Tama is not only ninja, but Pirate Ninja Hunter!” (“Gourmer!”)

“Tee hee hee!” Yuzu giggled. “Well, be that as it may, let’s start hunting for the Emerald Spring. I think I should bring out someone more suitable for this environment.” She turned her arm up and cranked the dial underneath. “Zzzt!” Yuzu jolted and fell over. The group studied her curiously for a second.

“YYYYYO!” And Yuzu was back on her feet, her eyes dimmer, but her soul more fiery and ecstatic. “What is up, home bros?! Wait, who the hell are you weirdoes?”

“You must be the split personality.” August deduced. “Well, we’re-”

“Kiddin’, I know who ya are! Me and her have been training to share memories. Uh, what’s your name again?”

“O-Tama.”

“O BABY!! Halright then, I’m ready to get down and dirty, Stone Age style! Heh, I’m gonna need a hella bath after this!” (Play “Deep Jungle” from Kingdom Hearts!)

Menu 2: Emerald Green Spring

Recipe: Search for any locals in the Stone Kingdom.

Act 1

With Yuzu taking the lead, the group traversed down a dirt road, but several tall mounds blocked the path. Yuzu climbed and hopped over the mounds with ease, while Nel had to grow to adult size to throw Tama over and help Augustus up. They dropped down the other side, but Yuzu was already far ahead of the crew, racing up to another mound to pounce up it. “Man, she’s really getting into it!” Augustus panted, trying to keep up. “Hey, slow down for us!”

“Nel can’t let Yuyu beat her!” Nel pranced after the chef and swiftly skipped up the mound. Nel had just caught up with Yuzu, but quickly halted when she realized they were at a cliff. The pegs of a broken bridge stood at either side, but Yuzu shot Soul Arrows at both sides to link the pegs with a Soul Rope. They could balance over the energy rope, waiting for their friends to catch up. Past the trench, they entered a slightly open part of the jungle with several mounds and a river flowing through. “Hm!” Nel stopped them.

“Wut?” asked Yuzunite.

Nel narrowed her eyes up at a mound. …There was a light-green ball with a leaf sprouting from the top, and big, white eyes staring at them. “It’s a melon?” August asked. “Or… is it a creature?”

The melon perked up and rolled away. “It IS alive!” Yuzu raced across the river and up the mound. She found a small garden of melons, but she quickly noticed the one with eyes and ran to it. The melon bounced and dodged her hands before rolling through some bushes. “Hey, where you going?!”

“Was it some sort of giant bug?” Augustus asked, climbing up after. “What do you think, Yuzu?”

“Pssh, I don’t know anything about that cheffing shit.” Yuzunite retorted cluelessly. “Observation Haki? What’s that? But if it looks good eatin’, I’m game.”

“Let’s just go after it!” August insisted. They ran through the bushels and saw the melon bouncing up a rather bumpy, shrub-covered hill. Nel ran forward first—she stepped on a wire trap that launched arrows at her, but she ducked in time. Yuzu shot arrows along the ground to set off the other traps, allowing them to proceed without trouble. The melon creature rolled into a long, hollowed log while Nel and Yuzu ran along the top of it. August and Tama assumed a more balanced composure as they crossed over the chasm. “Huh? Tama, look at that.”

August spotted a large, pumping device down in the gorge. “That looks like a pumpjack, like what they use to pump oil. That shouldn’t be in a place like this.”

“Is it dangerous?”

“Not inherently… but somehow, I feel like I ain’t the only one up to illegal stuff.”

There were a bunch of tall, vertical logs growing from a chasm, and the melon was casually bouncing across them. Nel leapt them as well, but one of the logs toppled over from her weight, so she leapt back to the previous one. Nel memorized the logs the melon jumped, so Nel jumped those logs and confirmed they were safe. The cavewoman chased the melon down a bumpy hill, but she unknowingly stepped on a hidden switch that made a catapult launch up from the side and dump rocks on her. “Waaaah!” The rocks caused Nel to tumble down the hill, plopping at the bottom. She peeped her head up to see a field of holes, in which the melon peeped out of one.

Nel pounced, but the melon sank into the hole. It poked out of another, Nel pounced, but it sank. “Nel will get you!” Nel shrank to kid form and dove into the hole as well. The melon panicked at seeing Nel in her underground zone, the cavegirl crawling to catch it. However, the melon stretched a human body with a blue dress and clambered out of a hole—only for Augustus to grab its leaf and pull up.

“Hah! I got it—wait…” Augustus was quick to notice the melon’s flailing legs, wearing small stone sandals. Its “dress” was kept suspended by its arms, and it had a rope necklace. “What are you?”

“Let me go! Suika was just looking for rocks.”

“Yonder fruit talketh!” Tama exclaimed.

“First Daxter and now we’ve found another strange creature that talks.” Augustus said. Nel had climbed out of the ground and up onto her captain’s shoulders.

“Can we still eat it?” Yuzu asked.

“Hah, now look who’s hungry! So, Melon Girl, you live around here? What were you looking for rocks for?”

“Senku asked Suika to collect rocks. She wants to be useful to Science Kingdom.”

“Science… Kingdom?”

“Ah! S-Suika means Stone Kingdom! No science!”

“Ah…so, there IS something illegal going on! Or else, how are you understanding my language?”

“Ahhh! Suika knows nothing!” She shook free and compressed into her melon, rolling away like an armadillo. The crew chased the child through a thicket of bushes, entering a slightly open grass patch. Nel glanced up, seeing something whoosh above the leaves. (Play “Holy Bananas!” from Kingdom Hearts!)

“Augsus, watch out!”

A figure whipped their leg down, August blocking it in time with his arm, but the figure returned to the leaves. Augustus listened for the rustling, turning left, but the figure rushed out from the right, lashing their knife at whipping speed, but August countered with Fork, the figure dodging and jumping to a branch.

“Kohaku! Strangers tried to eat Suika!” cried the Melon Head.

“They tried to eat you?!” Kohaku asked in shock. Kohaku was a blonde, slender teenager with hair tied in a spiked bun, a blue dress similar to Yuzu’s, tied with a rope, stone sandals, and a small shield on her back. “Why? Just who are you?”

“Whew!” Augustus whistled, tipping up his sunglasses. “Now, there’s a looker! Whaddya say to joining my crew, cutie?”

“Yuck, you really are a creep.” Yuzu retorted.

Nel gasped with worry, thoroughly studying the girl: Kohaku’s breasts looked soft and round. Her legs were sturdy and flexible. Her eyes were blue and fierce, yet possessed a sign of kindness. “Big chest…” Nel studied her tiny chest. “Long legs…” She looked down at her tiny feet. “Augsus want tall, physically appealing girl…” The cavechild throbbed with superb envy. “YOU NOT TAKE AUGSUS!” And she inflated to her adult form, launching up with a powerful kick to her rival!

Kohaku’s foot impacted Nel’s, the native landing on the ground and striking Nel with a flurry of kicks and strikes from her dual knives. In the spectators’ eyes, Kohaku’s movements were like gusts of wind, yet they felt no Air Chi from her. Nel blocked just as swiftly, thrusting a kick up at Kohaku’s head. The native leapt back and rubbed her jaw, retreating into the bushes. Kohaku’s form blurred as she whooshed around the area, tossing a knife at Nel’s leg, but she raised that leg and stomped the knife down. The 2^nd knife flew from a different angle, but Nel grabbed it before it hit her back. Kohaku rushed out for kicks, but Nel returned her own kicks. She slashed the knife at Kohaku, who blocked with her shield, but Nel grabbed the grounded knife in her toes and tossed it to scrape Kohaku’s leg.

Kohaku knelt, but suffered another kick to the face, prompting her to retreat to the bushes. She grabbed the tossed knife and ran out, attempting to stab Nel with rapid thrusts. Nel dodged for a bit before CLAPPING the knife in her hands, binding Kohaku and kicking her stomach to force her off. Now with both knives, Nel began attacking Kohaku with similar combos of strikes and kicks, but they were slower than Kohaku’s as the latter was able to swiftly take her weapons back with quick arm-work. Kohaku swung overhead strikes as Nel blocked with her arms, allowing Kohaku to stamp Nel’s toes. The cavewoman faltered, and Kohaku sliced her stomach. Nel retreated, stomped the ground, and lunged at Kohaku, tackling her to the ground and clawing her face.

Kohaku flipped them over and hopped off, Nel getting up as well. “Only Nel mature enough for Augsus!” The cavewoman charged her again—“Oh?” and suddenly deflated to child form, ramming Kohaku’s legs with a weak bump. “Uhh…” The child looked up at the taller warrior, a curious expression on her features. “Ahh! Nel use too much energy! Nel don’t want small! Nel want big!” She stuck a thumb in her mouth and tried to blow up.

“That’s a weird Gigai…” Augustus commented.

“Aww, so you’re actually a little cutie, are ya?” Kohaku asked, picking the child up in her arms like a gentle big sister.

“No!” Nel shook immaturely. “Nel is big girl! She is ripe for Aughsucks! You can’t have him!”

“Yay! Kohaku won!” Suika cheered.

Unbeknownst to her, a Tama clone was sneaking up. “HO!” She caught Suika in an arm lock. “O-Tama hast thee! Release O-Nel, warrior woman!”

“Uweeeh! Kohaku, help!”

“Hey!” Kohaku raised a knife. “Let Suika go, kid!”

“Stand down, Kohaku.” (End song.)

A calm, cool voice broke the tension. A young man stepped out of the bushes. He had a light-brown labcoat and hair that looked like a leek, a charming smile under his confident red eyes. “Senku, these people look like outsiders.” Kohaku said. “I’m worried that they’ll…”

“I don’t think we have to worry about this bunch ratting us out. If you snuck a lollipop onto Historia, perhaps you’re up to something illegal.”

“So, you’re Senku.” Augustus smirked, twirling said lolli. “Before you go accusing me, what’s this I heard about a Science Kingdom?”

“Tell your protégé to let my detective go and I’ll tell you.”

August nodded at Tama. The clone released Suika and poofed. “S-Sorry, Senku.” Suika bowed sadly. “Suika accidentally said ‘science.’”

“Don’t fret over it, Suika. I think you’ve found us some curious-looking visitors.”

“Ha ha! That’s Senku!” Suika said to Tama. “Senku is so cool!”

“August’n is cooler!” Tama argued.

“Whuh? Suika doesn’t understand.”

“O-Tama said August’n is cooler!” She stomped.

“Suika doesn’t know Tama’s language. Can you speak slower?”

“August’n… is… COOLER!!” Tama fumed and stomped the ground furiously.

“O-Tama, she understood your name just now.” Yuzu said. “She’s just messin’ with ya.”

“Huh?” Tama gaped at Suika. “Grrrrrr!” She tried to whack Suika’s melon, but Suika shrank into the melon and ducked, causing Tama to spin around and fall. Suika rolled away in delight.

“That pumpjack I saw back there.” Augustus said. “That was your doing, wasn’t it? Did you sneak materials onto Historia?”

“Heh, that’s what amateurs do.” Senku smirked. “No, I just started from scratch.”

“Scratch?” repeated Yuzu.

“You still haven’t told us what you’re doing here.” Kohaku said, keeping Nel clutched.

“Save me, Aughsucks!”

“Listen, we’re part of this event called the Gourmet Hunt.” August explained. “We came here because-”

“The Emerald Green Spring, right?”

“Thou knowest of it?” Tama asked.

“You guys aren’t the only Gourmet Hunters to come through here. My friends called and reported another pair exploring the area where the spring is. I’m ten billion percent sure they have their eyes on it.”

“Hmm…I wonder if it’s Gourmet Corp.…” Augustus thought aloud. “…Your friend here is pretty strong. Any chance she could help us?”

Kohaku marched beside Senku and assumed a firm stance. “Sorry, but I’m a little busy.”

“She’s already with me. Sorry, friend~” Senku said.

Nel looked between Kohaku and Senku. The child could feel an unseen force interlinking them and an aura of loyalty radiating from the warrior. “Ahh…she already have mate.” Nel smiled with sweet relief. “Yes… only Nel ripe for Aughsucks.”

“Senku, what’s a Gourmet Hunt?” Suika asked.

“It’s something they do for the Cooking Fest. That’s a special event they’re holding in the outside world. It’s a huge festival where billions of people come and eat ten billion different kinds of food.”

“Ten billion foods? How many villages could we feed with that, Senku?”

“Ten billion, right?” Kohaku asked.

“That’s correct~”

“Suika wants to goooo!” The child’s mouth and eyes were watering.

“That does sound amazing…” Kohaku said with a smile.

“And you guys are hunting for the festival, are you?” Senku asked the crew.

“Well, kind of. There is another reason.” August replied.

“Well, listen: Kohaku and I will lead you to the Emerald Spring.”

“We will?!” exclaimed the warrior.

“But in return, I want you to sneak my friends off the planet.”

“Oh, so you blackmailin’ us?!” Yuzunite shouted. “Well, I oughta-”

“Settle down, Yuz. It’s a deal.” August smiled. “But I think we’re gonna need a few details.”

“Fair enough. Let’s go talk by the Science Kingdom. Care to lead us, Suika?”

“Suika is happy to help new friends!” She curled up in her melon and rolled forth. “Suika is usefuuuuuul!”

Kohaku and Senku led the explorers to the shore of a vast river. A rope bridge connected the shore to a group of islands with straw houses. Twilight glimmered along the river, presenting the village with a peaceful air. There were people out and about and children playing, but most peculiar were the telephone pole, its wires stretching into the forest; a smithy where swords were forged from melted rock; one of the tribe girls was taking pictures of her sisters with a camera; and there were light poles that were on the verge of coming on, the children eagerly watching for it to light up. There seemed to be a device for cutting wood into boards.

“So, this is… Science Kingdom?” Augustus asked.

“I first came to this kingdom on an expedition with some friends of mine.” Senku began. “The travel agency made us hand over all our stuff. We split up while searching for materials, and I found Kohaku trapped under a tree, the poor girl.”

“I was in a fight with someone!” Kohaku shouted in defense. “Still… I’ll never forget that day.” She smiled warmly as she kept Nel in a gentle embrace. “Senku spent all day trying to help me. He created something called a ‘pulley’ and lifted the tree into the air. It was almost like magic. I brought him to my village and told everyone what happened… and since then, we’ve come to know the magic of Science.”

“Nel never forget day she met Aughsucks.” Nel said. “Aughsucks not smell like poo like other cavemen, but smell poo from Aughsucks’ friends. Aughsucks have other smells that make Nel want to mate, but Nel too young at the time.”

Kohaku stared at the cavechild with slight disgust. “A lot of stuff happened back then,” Senku followed, “but that’s the basic gist of it. It was law that this world wasn’t allowed to evolve, but I had to wonder… was that really the best fate for these people? I get that this tribe survived for thousands of years, but there was so much they were missing out on. I wondered if my coming here was fate… but then I realized that ‘fate’ is an illogical phenomenon!”

“You taught science to the Stonies because you thought it was your duty?” August asked.

“Don’t call us that.” Kohaku requested.

“I wanted to know if this world could evolve if it had the chance.” Senku replied. “All these devices you see are made with natural materials found in this country. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t trying to turn Historia into a second Earth, but I think I did a few favors for this country. Just ask Suika.”

“Uh-huh!” Suika reached into her melon’s eye socket and pulled out a lens. “Suika had Blurry Eye Disease, but thanks to Senku’s science lens, Suika can see!”

“You were nearsighted.” August smiled knowingly. “I’m impressed. You have me beat, Senku; even Stewie couldn’t science anything up on this rock.”

“Senkuuu! Kohakuuu!” The group turned as a blue-robed boy with dark-brown hair raced over with a katana in hand. “Check out this baaaaad sword that Kaseki made! He says it can cut rocks in half!”

Kohaku set Nel down and took the sword. It cut through the air with ease, was smooth, and shiny. “I’m not sure if it’ll work with my technique, but I’ll give it a try!”

“Hey, who’re these guys?”

“Chrome, these guys are from outer space like me.” Senku explained. “I only just met them personally, but if I remember the wanted posters, this man is pretty famous.”

“More outsiders? What’re they here for?”

“To start off,” Augustus flicked his lolli stick to the ground, “turn your attention to the little spirit on Tama’s back.”

“Oh! Suika wondered what that was!” Suika said as Tama turned and showed Gourmerry. “Is it an animal?”

“It’s not like any animal I’ve ever seen.” Chrome said. “Senku, do you know?”

“This spirit is Gourmerry.” August smirked. “And if we don’t feed her… she’ll devour this entire planet.”

“WHUH?!” Suika fell back. “B-B-But the planet is too big to eat! And Suika doesn’t wanna be food!” She curled up in her melon.

“That’s BAAAAAD!” cried Chrome.

“Yo, chill out, you weirdoes.” Yuzunite ordered. “It’s like this:”

The group explained the Gourmet Hunt and their mission to create a Full Course for the spirit. “Ah, one of those quest things.” Senku said simply. “Heh…these spirits sure make life difficult for us scientists.”

“So, the Emerald Spring is one of the ingredients you’re looking for?” Kohaku asked. “If Gourmerry drinks it, she won’t destroy the planet?”

“Bear in mind that the ‘destroying the planet’ part is only in theory.” Augustus said. “But there’s a lot of evidence and ‘science’ behind it.”

“Well, that’s all the reason I need.” Senku shrugged. “Nightfall’s almost here, so I don’t suppose you feel like resting?”

“Heck no!” Yuzu declared. “I only just woke up! I don’t wanna conk out now!”

“You said that other hunters were here, so we oughta get looking for it. But we’ll take anything to eat if you have it. I’m sure Tama must be hungry.”

“Hai.” Tama nodded. “Gourmerry truly hath her fill of me.” She popped a dango off her cheek and fed the spirit.

“Waaaah!” Suika screamed. “Her cheek came off!”

“Wouldst Suika like a bite of dango?” Tama popped another piece off.

“Uhhh…” Confused, Suika took the ball of dough and slowly ate it. “…Mmm, it’s good! Do all cheeks taste like that?”

“No, Tama’s kind of a dango monster.” August replied.

“How the heck does that work?” Chrome asked, bending to Tama’s level and studying her cheek through a magnifying glass. “Outer space sure is full of baaaad stuff!”

“Shyah, but get this,” Yuzu began, “Tama’s actually from-”

Augustus slapped her mouth shut. “That’s not important right now~. So, what’s for dinner? We gotta get moving ASAP.”

“How about we grill some crocodile burgers?” Senku suggested.

“Suika wants cotton candy!” the melon head cheered.

“You even got a cotton candy thing?!” August exclaimed. “Heh, sorry, lollipops, I’m trying some fresh Historian cotton!”

Gourmet Corp. Dining Kitchen

Eustace, Victoria, and Muntz returned to their castle, built at the very top of a dark, arched landmass that stretched across the sea like a rainbow. The former parked his Mechon in a recharging bay as the chest opened, allowing Eustace to step off. (From Courage the Cowardly Dog.) His human head resembled the robot’s, long-chinned and bald, glasses over his pale eyes, and a mechanical black suit of armor.

“Dang it, Vicky, I can’t believe you let them get away!” Eustace stated as he stomped into a communications chamber. “We woulda caught up with them if you ain’t fall behind!”

“You will call me QUEEN Victoria! And perhaps if that suit was worth its metal, you would’ve crushed those brats yourself!”

“Bah! Thanks to you, there ain’t a drop of Precursor soup in mah belly! Stupid dog!” he yelled over at the pink dog. “You better have them backup batteries!”

“Uh-huh…” The dog reached into his being and pulled out a large battery.

“Get them in my suit pronto! Since I ain’t get soup, I wanna get lookin’ fer that Starmaker. And when you’re done, I want you to mosey on back here and spell ‘hors d’oeuvre’ for me.”

“Owoh…” The dog moaned in dismay and scurried off on his two hind legs.

Muntz (from Up) activated the large computer screen and spoke, “This is Muntz to all Gourmet Corp. officers. We’ve had an encounter with a group of KND operatives, and they’ve gotten away. I expect they will inform their higher-ups of us, so they may attempt to hinder our operations.”

A figure appeared on the screen: a large, wide mouse with dark-yellow fur, sunglasses, and a thin curved mustache. “Not even the first day and you already messed things up?” the mouse asked in Skinner’s French accent. “This had better not complicate our Avalar operation!”

“Were they really Kids Next Door?” Victoria asked. “I recognized one of them. Augustus Fizzuras, a former Big Mom Pirate now in command of a small-time crew of brats.”

“You mean this Augustus?” Muntz brought up the wanted poster of him. “He must be participating in the Hunt. But I’m certain he is affiliated with the KND. Especially since-”

“Did you say… AUGUSTUS?!”

The hunters faced to attention when a slender man in red and black, shiny armor marched in. He had a curved mustache on his long-nosed face and a black hat with licorice tied on it, as well as a red feather. “Lord Licorice!” Skinner beamed. “These rejects were just informing me of their most recent failure.”

“Silence!” Licorice raised a green candy gun (he’s from Candy Land). “Of all the people to stand in my way, it had to be Augustus again. You fools should have worked harder to kill him!” He swung his gun angrily.

“Yeah, Victoria!” Eustace yelled. “Ya shoulda got him when ya had the-” He flinched to silence when Licorice shot his gun and blew Eustace’s hat off.

“Master! Master!” A brown and white dog pranced into the room, using a mechanical collar to communicate as he spoke to Muntz. “We have learned of a legendary doggy treat that we can-”

Licorice shot the dog and killed him. “Don’t interrupt me! At any rate, we must proceed with the plan as scheduled. The Boss requires as many ingredients as possible by the final day of the festival.” He turned away with a wicked smirk on his features. “But revenge on Augustus will serve as an excellent side dish. Perhaps I’ll do a speck of hunting on my own…” He stepped out of the room with a new motivation.

Muntz sighed, staring down at the body of his dog. “Well, you know the Hunter’s Code: you must eat what you kill. We must honor our fallen comrade.”

“Well, I ’ave a beast to search for.” Skinner said. “Iron Mask does not like to be kept waiting.” Transmission ended.

“I still can’t believe the Boss hired Licorice as his vice-leader.” Eustace said. “Lucky dog, workin’ for the government and makin’ a bunch of money… ’ey, where are ya, ya stupid dog?!” The cyborg stomped out of the room. “I don’t hear no spellin’!”

Stone Kingdom; Green Mountains

Kohaku led the charge, skipping across the valley like a natural predator. As stars decorated the sky, the group arrived at the shore of a pond glimmering a blue-green, pouring from a waterfall at the foot of a tall mountain, on which the blue-green falls glimmered as they stripped down the peak. Kohaku perched herself on a rock overlooking the pond.

“Yuzu, whaddya make of that water?”

“I dunno.” Yuzunite cranked her wristband and jolted herself back to Day Yuzu. The chef stuck her mouth in the water, sipping a drink. “Mmmm! That really washes the food down! But it’s not as tasty as I was expecting. This can’t be the spring.”

“The actual spring rests at the top of this peak.” Senku answered, his smirk unchanging. “Its ‘pure’ flavor becomes filtered out the further it travels downstream. The mountain is treacherous and full of beasts, but luckily, Kohaku’s a wild gorilla when it comes to this stuff.”

“Putting his analogy aside,” Kohaku said with a glare, “I’m a hunter myself. Nothing gets past my killer eyesight. In fact, I even saw you guys get off that ship earlier. …But how did you and Tama show up from that ray of light?”

“You’ll find out soon enough.” August assured, biting off another piece of cotton candy. “Man, who’d-a thought this stuff could feel so cultural?” He held the cotton up by Nel, the shoulder-riding child biting a piece.

Kohaku smiled, biting a piece of her own cotton. “And to think ‘outer space’ is filled with wonders like these…” She stared up at the stars with dreamy eyes, the stars that even her hawk-like vision couldn’t discern in detail. “Augustus, can you really take me up there?”

“Augustus never goes back on a promise!” the captain declared. “You’ll help her, won’t you, Nel?”

“Only if she admit that Nel is more sexually appealing!”

“Uhhh…” Kohaku felt uncomfortable with the cavechild’s statement. “What?”

“Ay, this kid grew up too fast.” August shook his head. “But yeah, she will. Now, lead the way, Gorilla Warrior!”

CLOK!

In a split second, Kohaku’s hand seemed to grow giant as she clocked August in the head, leaving a big bump. “Only Senku gets off safe.” She spoke strictly as she pranced over to a path of rock steps along the pond.

“And I thought I was the Stone Fist~” Augustus remarked smoothly. Nel and Tama seemed to fume in envy, while Yuzu sighed. (Play “Blue Mountains Music” from Rayman.)

Act 2: Green Mountains

Addendum: Holy frick, they remade the first Rayman game, oh my God, distraction, oh my God.

The crew traversed left along the shore and followed Kohaku across the stone platforms. Piranhas jumped out at them, but were easy fodder for Augustus’s Gobstopper. The stones led to the cliff, on which they could jump and climb their way up some small footholds. They leapt past the front of the waterfall and climbed a more rugged wall to reach a ledge. They were on the first level of the mountain, a small grass area where the river cut through. “Watch out!” Kohaku alerted when monkeys leapt out from some trees, chucking rocks at the intruders. August punched a rock away and threw his Gobstopper at one’s face, while Kohaku was already slashing the apes with the quick work of her daggers. The apes soon retreated from the threatening humans.

“Looks like this cave got blocked up.” Senku observed, approaching a gap in the wall that was cluttered with rocks. “Luckily, I brought plenty of explosive powder.” He opened his robe to reveal several sacks strapped to his body.

“Uh, you wanna borrow our Infi-Cube?” August asked worriedly. Senku tossed some powder and blew up the rocks, allowing them to enter a narrow cave. The cave sloped up and left, exiting to a series of tall peak platforms. There was a large gorilla stationed on the cliff at the end of the platforms, and it was bouncing boulders down them in a strangely precise way. Augustus used his Mallet attack to knock the boulders away, he and Kohaku having to make high jumps onto each platform. With August leading them, they made it up to the gorilla as Kohaku began attacking it with a flurry, with August joining to KO it with a Fork. Afterwards, they went back down to help the others jump up the platforms.

They followed a path into the next level of the mountain, a wider area with a river flowing through. There was a bush of green apples growing on the other side, so Yuzu jumped the river to pick one and bite it. “I wonder if these will taste better with the Emerald Spring.” Yuzu smiled as she took a few. Kohaku trudged across the pond and showed them a secret tunnel behind the waterfall. (Senku decided to keep his powder in August’s Infi-Cube to keep it from getting wet.) They would have to keep trudging water within the cave, with Kohaku using her katana to quickly stab piranhas swimming up within the shallowness.

The cave was short and let out on a wide river enclosed by cliffs. Yuzu had to carry Tama as they were submerged into deeper water. Kohaku readied her sword, seeing the back of an alligator approaching. She clashed against the reptile, and August got to its side to deal Fork and KO the gator. Two more alligators attacked them, but as the fighters dealt with them, Senku went over to a pile of rocks in the river and blew them up with explosive powder. A gush of water sprouted up, and the group entered to be pushed up onto another layer. They continued trudging within the water, approaching a narrow path where the river flowed down like long stairs.

This river flowed quickly in trying to push them off, so the group ran up it forcefully. Once at the end of this section, they found their selves on a high cliff. The river flowed out from a small tunnel, so the crew had to jump some thin platforms further along the cliffside. Yuzu used a Soul Rope to link between platforms that were further apart. Eagles swooped down in attempt to grab them as they were crossing, but August hit their beaks with the Gobstopper as it bounced back to him each time.

From the last platform, they could climb vines and reach a new level with a lake. “There are underwater switches we need to hit.” Kohaku said. “They’ll make platforms rise. Leave it to me.” The warrior dove in and swam around the lake. She pressed three stone switches underneath, causing three platforms to rise up. The group swam to the shortest platform by a shore, and it had a stalagmite Yuzu could connect to one at the shore, using a Soul Rope. From there, the 2^nd platform was too far to link to, but a large eagle was flapping by. Yuzu linked a rope to the eagle’s talons, then the 2^nd platform’s stalagmite. The eagle was stuck between the two ropes, so the group could cross it, briefly stepping over the bird. “Sorry.” Yuzu said.

Once at the 2^nd platform, two eagles attacked them out of possible revenge. However, Tama tossed them some dango, and once they ate it, the eagles fell in love with the ninja. Tama asked them to line up a fair distance between them and the 3^rd platform, allowing Yuzu to link them and for them to cross up to the platform. They were near the cliff’s waterfall and could see a stone lever hidden behind it. August pulled the lever with the Licorope, triggering pegs to stretch out of the waterfall. Kohaku swung her way up the pegs in a nimble fashion, setting foot on a ledge partway up the cliff. She pressed a switch to make wider platforms stretch out, allowing the others to follow her up.

A thin path curved around and along the mountainside. The path ended, and they would have to jump up footholds that stretched in and out. They carefully jumped the platforms and made it onto the next layer, a small area of grass with trees and bushes. “WHOA!” they screamed when a lion pounced out of the bushes. Kohaku clashed her katana with the lion, but it smacked the sword away. Nel grew to adult form and kicked the lion’s snout, and afterwards leapt onto its back to choke it with a leg lock. Kohaku dealt cuts with her daggers, but the lion shook Nel off and leapt away. Tama tossed it a dango, but the lion smacked it, swiping its claws at Nel’s kicks. Senku tossed a bomb to startle the lion, leaving it vulnerable for Kohaku to stab its back. “Nel do better! Only Nel and Augsus eat meat!”

“Be my guest.” Kohaku replied. Behind the bushes, they entered a cave that sloped up to another narrow, enclosed area with a river. There were pillars composed of stone stacks on either side, and Senku used the explosive powder to blow up the pillars and reduce them to different heights. He made the beginning pillars shorter and left the ending ones taller, in which the tallest pillar could help them reach the next path. Once he was finished, the group jumped up the escalating stacks.

“The Emerald Spring is right up there.” Senku pointed up one last ledge and the platforms leading up to it. “We’ve almost made it.”

“Hey, Senku… is that Suika over there?” Kohaku pointed at the valley beyond the edge of their cliff. (Play “Fluff Festival” from Mario Sunshine.)

It seemed that there was a garden of giant dandelions a mile across the valley. There was a dandelion floating in a circle, and Suika’s melon was attached to the stem, though only Kohaku could see her with her superb eyesight. Kohaku studied the fluffballs beneath her, wondering which one was safest to land on. …One of the fluffs was monochrome. Kohaku worked with Yuzu to carefully aim the latter’s Soul Arrow and shoot Suika’s dandelion just when she was above the monochrome fluff.

Suika bounced off the fluff. It grew ears and a tail, revealing to be Kittentia. Kittentia and Suika stared at each other with their cute, unchanging expressions. Afterwards, they turned to the nearby hill and began to roll in place, building momentum. The kitten and the melon zoomed down the hill and curved to roll off into the night. Kohaku watched them until the very end, watching as their little round forms rolled beyond the horizon.

With this task completed, the crew jumped the platforms up to the top of the mountain. Up here was an open field with a hole in the center, a mystical blue-green glow emitting from it. A teenage boy and girl appeared to be stepping out of it with a sealed barrel. (End song.)

“Oh, hey there!” the boy greeted. “Are you guys natives?”

“No, Iizuka.” The girl said with narrowed eyes. “Some of them don’t look like locals.”

“Oh, I know these guys!” Yuzu beamed. “They’re Mera and Iizuka! I saw them on the Cooking Fest broadcast.”

“Well, I didn’t expect to see Yuzu here.” Mera said.

“Wait, you know me?”

“The most famous chef in the Kids Next Door?” Iizuka inquired. “Of course we’d know you! Especially since Sector JP is all the rage in Japan. How come we didn’t see you at the festival?”

“I was kind of holed up, but I’ve decided to join the Gourmet Hunt!”

“It looks like they got here before us though.” Augustus noticed.

“Yes, we came here for the Emerald Spring.” Mera affirmed. “Securing this water was quite difficult.”

“I’ll bet it was.” Senku smirked. “But don’t spoil the surprise.”

“What dost Senku-san mean?” Tama asked.

“This should be interesting.” Iizuka said. “Wanna stick around and watch?”

“I suppose.” Mera shrugged.

The Marzipans were confused by the implications as they stepped closer to the glowing pit. The pit was a gaping crater, and they gaped at the sight of the gorgeous, glowing spring. …But that wasn’t the only beautiful thing: inside that spring was what appeared to be a goddess. She was huge with vast, flowing blue hair, a white toga, and slender bare legs and arms. Giant, angelic wings were growing from her back, her eyes pure and welcoming. “She… look so… ripe…” Nel spoke with worry and envy.

“That is the spirit of the spring.” Senku said. “Her name is Sulfurina.”

“Sulfurina?” August asked. “What kind of name is that?”

“Gourmerry! Gourmerry!” cheered the Firstborn.

“O-Merry thirsts for the spring spirit’s beverage!” Tama beamed. “Let us drink!” She raced down eagerly.

Yuzu gasped, quickly jumping down the slope. “No, Tama, that’s-!”

She yanked the ninja back just as Sulfurina snatched a gigantified hand, her form having changed into a hideous, gaseous being with a skull head and two pairs of teeth, hissing venomously as toxic ooze dripped from her body. (Play “Inside AI Pod” from Metal Gear: Peace Walker!)

“The Emerald Spring emits hydrogen sulfide and sulfur dioxide.” Senku revealed. “It has given life to this spirit. She’s ten billion percent deadly!”

“Gourmerry! Gourmerry!” the Firstborn shook.

“What ails thee, O-Merry?” Tama asked.

“Tama, get back!” Yuzu helped her to dodge when Sulfurina swiped her hand again. “We can’t serve this to Gourmerry, it’s straight-up poison!”

“Nonsense!” August yelled. “We just gotta grab some and filter it out later!”

“Then shouldn’t we have taken some from the lower levels?!”

“Maybe it tastes better if we filter it from the source! Let’s find a way!”

“You might wanna wear these!” Senku brought out gas masks. “They’ll help filter the air, but don’t breathe her poison for too long!”

“Thanks for the heads up!” August retorted.

Boss fight: Sulfurina

Sulfurina swiped hands at Yuzu and Tama, holding their breaths as they evaded the mass of gas. She splashed the spring and sent globs of water at them, the girls hurrying sideways along the crater, but Sulfurina’s hand came flying from that direction. The girls ducked—Gourmerry inhaled a breath, and Sulfurina HISSED as two of her fingers were gone. “Huh?” Yuzu gasped. Sulfurina raised her other hand and smashed down, the two jumping to the side. Before Sulfurina raised it back, Gourmerry sucked in the thumb, causing the spirit to cry out again. “Gourmerry…” Yuzu assumed Gourmerry wouldn’t die from poison, being a Firstborn, but she assumed the sickness would still affect her. “…Do you like poison?”

“Gour.” She shrugged.

Sulfurina tried to smash them again, but as they dodged her hand, Yuzu grabbed Gourmerry and held her to suck the gas up, engulfing the whole hand. Fuming in anger, Sulfurina channeled spring water up through her body and spewed it at them, but Gourmerry kept her mouth wide open and drunk every last drop of poison with Yuzu holding her. “Gee, Yuzu, way to use her as a shield!” Augustus remarked.

“I think it’s working!” Yuzu assured. By the time Sulfurina ceased, the spring had sunk down and Gourmerry was swollen. Her cheeks puffing, she spewed the poison straight at Sulfurina’s face, seeming to drown and damage the spirit. Gourmerry was still partly swollen by the time she stopped. Sulfurina screeched in rage, but as the spring was naturally refilling, she grew her limbs back. Sulfurina flew to the sky, spreading a cloud of gas that caused it to rain. Kohaku tossed her shield down to Yuzu, allowing her to raise both it and Gourmerry to defend herself from the Acid Rain (Tama had left the battle zone).

The rain stopped, so Sulfurina flew down to dip into the spring, rehydrating herself. She returned to the air and rained more acid. “Let’s just drink from the spring!” Yuzu suggested. Once the rain stopped, she quickly dipped Gourmerry in the water, slurping some up, but they hurriedly dodged when Sulfurina swiped a hand down. The spirit followed with another swipe, but Kohaku rushed by to grab them and escape. Kohaku took Gourmerry and ran to the other side to have her drink from the lake. Sulfurina swiped, but Kohaku ran back while hurdling Gourmerry back over to Yuzu. Yuzu tried to dip her in the spring again, but Sulfurina suddenly swiped the Firstborn away.

Yuzu raised Kohaku’s shield as Sulfurina squeezed Gourmerry and spewed the poison at her instead. She was able to keep the shield positioned, but to save Gourmerry, Senku threw a powder sack and exploded it against Sulfurina’s arm. Gourmerry returned to Yuzu, who seized the weak moment to refill her with poison. She dodged before Sulfurina could attack, having Gourmerry inhale her hand. She then fed Gourmerry more spring water, and the Firstborn returned a gush of it at Sulfurina’s face.

The spirit hissed and willed the spring to mold up into a cyclone, moving it up and along the slope. She kept the liquid away from Gourmerry while stretching her own body to attack with gas. Gourmerry inhaled one of her hands, but she would return to the cyclone and replenish it. Yuzu lured Sulfurina over again, and this time, Senku tossed a bomb at her face. As she tried to reform herself, Yuzu passed Gourmerry to Adult Nel, who tossed her to Kohaku by the cyclone. Gourmerry drank from the cyclone, but Kohaku got away and tossed her back to Yuzu before Sulfurina could catch on.

Sulfurina burst into a cloud that covered the area, so Yuzu used Gourmerry as a vacuum to suck some up. As she cleared some ground, Sulfurina reformed a hand to attack, but Yuzu passed Gourmerry to Nel and held her breath. Nel threw Gourmerry to the cyclone to drink some more, so Sulfurina redirected the hand that way. Kohaku held her breath, grabbed Gourmerry, and chucked her back to Yuzu. “SPIN!” Augustus tossed his Gob-Spinner into the weakened cyclone, spinning the opposite way to thwart it. This weakened Sulfurina further, allowing Gourmerry to spew poison at the spirit.

The gush of liquid seemed to completely dizzy Sulfurina, her gas collapsing on the ground. Yuzu hurried over with Gourmerry and had the Firstborn inhale the spirit completely. (End song.)

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that.” Iizuka remarked. “What kind of creature is that?”

“Gourmerry is a Firstborn.” Yuzu answered. “And I’m starting to think she’s a poisonbender. Gourmerry… are you okay?” she asked in concern of the creature’s swollen body.

“Gour…Gourme…GoooouuuurMERRY!” And with that, she spewed a fountain of crisp, clean water, and Sulfurina emerged in her beautiful, angelic form.

Augustus opened his mouth to catch the water. “WHOA! This water’s greater than ever!”

“I don’t believe it…!” Kohaku beamed, letting it pour on her tongue.

“The spring’s chemicals make a good medicine once mixed properly.” Senku said, having a drink. “But the water itself is extremely tasty once filtered. But this is ten billion percent better!”

“O-Tama wishes Kawa Town’s water was this yummy!” Tama cheered through gurgles.

“Gourmerry spat the poison back out,” Yuzu realized, “and kept the purified water stored inside her! You’re amazing!”

“Gourmeeeeeee!”

“Who’d have thought acid could be so tasty?” Augustus smiled. “You think she could do the same to other foods? Yo, guys, let me borrow this.” He approached Mera and Iizuka and dipped one of the green apples into their barrel of the poison water. “Gourmerry! See how this tastes!”

He tossed the apple to Gourmerry, who caught the whole fruit in her mouth. “Mmm…mmm…Merry!” She spat the apple out, half-bitten and shining a sweet green.

Augustus took a small bite. “YEEK! It’s so… sweet… it feels like the sweet lips of an angel are… kissing me…”

Sulfurina giggled at his analogy. “NOOO!” Nel leapt and kicked the spirit’s face. “No kiss Augsus, Giant Ripe Ghost!”

“Hmph…we are disgraced.” Mera sighed.

“Hah, totally.” Iizuka chuckled. “These guys totally showed us up. Then again, I would say using a Firstborn is cheating.”

“I’ve never heard of such a Firstborn like this. Regardless, she is clearly some sort of culinary spirit, and she favors this group. We do not deserve to keep this spring water.”

“Come on, of course you deserve to keep it!” Yuzu insisted. “You guys probably worked way harder than we did.”

“Of course we did!” Mera shouted. “Of course we were going to keep it! I was merely testing you!”

“Oh! Uh, okay…” Yuzu blushed awkwardly.

“I don’t know how you found this creature, but just remember that no cook is truly blessed. We were going to purify this water with our own means, but that won’t be enough, anymore. To top what you’ve done here, we will find a flavor to make this water far more powerful! Let’s go, Iizuka!” She began the race down the mountain.

“Heh heh…she can be very headstrong when challenged.” Iizuka laughed. “You’ve done an impressive job, Yuzu.” He followed after his partner.

“Take what you can of this spring right now.” Senku suggested. “It’ll fill with poison again before long, and Sulfurina will reassume her other form.”

“Then we’d better go.” Yuzu acknowledged. “Thank you for the water, Sulfurina! Perhaps we’ll see you again!”

Sulfurina smiled and waved cutely at her little visitors.

…

The group returned to the base of the Green Mountains. “Senku! Senku!” called the incoming watermelon that was Suika. “How did it go?”

“Try some, Suika.” Senku gave her a glass of the water.

Suika’s big eyes sparkled upon taking a sip. “Aaaaaah! Suika can feel Sulfurina giving a nice, warm hug! And she’s not trying to kill Suika this time! Thank you, Senku!”

“Much obliged, but this young lady was the real genius this time.” Senku praised. “I suppose you’ll be on your way now.”

“We still have a day until we can leave.” Yuzu replied.

“Well, we can leave any time with Nel.” August reminded. “But I guess you wanna do things the legal way.”

“Yeah, kind of…”

“Don’t forget about our deal, August.” Senku said.

“Ah, yes. You want to get Kohaku off the planet, right? I’ll take her now if she’s ready.”

“I…I’ll be able to come back, right?” asked the warrior.

“Of course! Unless you feel like stayin’ with me~”

“NO!” Nel shouted. “Cavegirl cannot mate with Aughsucks!”

Kohaku gazed at the heavens for a moment. The stars that had always decorated her sky. The stars where Senku and his group came from, where the magic of science was completely commonplace. Even after Senku’s arrival, she could only dream of going up there and seeing the endless cosmos, but now the opportunity was being apparently handed to her. “…Alright then. I’ll see what it’s like.”

“I would go with you, but the agency is expecting me back as well.” Senku said. “So, let’s promise to meet up soon, Kohaku.”

“Hm hm…okay, Senku.” She passed him a smile.

Kohaku stood with August, Nel, Tama, and Gourmerry as the cavewoman Ascended them in a ray of light. “Let’s go rest at the village.” Senku said to Yuzu. “I’ll bet you can cook us up a heck of a meal. Suika, anything you want for…?” Senku glanced down, but no melon head was found. “Where did Suika go?”

Ace Hunter

Nel Descended the group back into the ship’s bridge. “Welcome back, gang!” Haylee greeted perkily. “I was just about to head for bed! Who’s that girl?”

“Meet Kohaku!” August introduced. The girl in question was viewing the ship’s interior with an awestruck expression. “We abducted her like aliens!”

“HUH?! You kidnapped another Historian?! We’re gonna get in so much trouble, Captain!”

“So, this is… a spaceship?” Kohaku whispered, brushing her hand against the posh, white wall. The texture felt much more refined than anything even Senku helped create. “AAH!” she yelped when Rallo and Maggie approached. “What’re those things?!”

“Looks like we got a xenophobe.” Rallo remarked. (“Mw-mw.”)

“The universe is filled with many strange creatures.” Augustus said coolly. “You’ve only just begu-”

“AAAH!” Haylee screamed. “What is THAT?!”

It seemed that a melon with eyes was gazing at her. Even more freakily, the melon grew a humanoid, childlike body with sandals and a dress. “Suika is Suika. How did we get up here? Was it with science? Science is so cool!”

“Uhhh…oh, great.” Augustus sighed. “Looks like we have a new one for the daycare.”

This side-plot was foreshadowed in the previous story! These characters come from Dr. Stone, and looking between Augustus/Nel and Senku/Kohaku, one can see the resemblances. If there’s anything good about 2020, it’s become the Year of Remakes! We got Xenoblade: Definitive, Spongebob: Rehydrated, and now we have Rayman Redemption! Can’t wait to revisit that old classic! X3

Chapter Text

Origami King was an amazing game and a refreshing experience among these new Paper Marios. I would say it’s now my 3^rd favorite Paper Mario, still behind TTYD and Super, but surpassing the original game (which I honestly don’t revisit that much because it doesn’t have the same weight as the other two).

Gourmet 4: Salad Bar Cove

Iizuka’s ship

Iizuka and Mera brought their barrel of spring water back to their ship, setting off from the Travel Station. “By the way, Mera… wasn’t that the pirate, Augustus, from the Big Mom crew?”

“He disbanded from the crew, if I recall, and he’s not exactly dangerous. Still, knowing what his family is, I wonder if that has anything to do with where they found that spirit?”

“Heck, I wonder if what’s left of the Big Moms would allow us to-” Their ship rumbled from a sudden crash. “What was that?!”

“Something crashed in the lower hull. Let’s go look!”

The duo traveled down one floor, Mera’s knives raised and Iizuka’s hands in a knife fashion. A smaller ship seemed to have crashed into theirs, a fragrant smoke emitting from it. A figure with a wide silhouette stepped out of the smoke on very skinny, heeled legs. When their form became clear, she was shown to be a thin, wrinkly woman in a black gown, red high-heels, matching gloves, and a large, fluffy white, furred coat with black spots. She held a long cigar and had monochrome hair. “Ah, and you would be Iizuka and Mera.” She spoke in a British accent. “Cruella de Vil, it’s a pleasure~” She introduced herself with a wave of smoke.

“Cruella de Vil, the Fur Hunter.” Mera narrowed her eyes in recognition. “Infamous for hunting animals with rare coats simply to wear them for yourself, and also well known for awful driving skills.”

“Yes, yes, I do love a flashy entrance~” Cruella chortled. (From 101 Dalmatians.)

“It’s one thing to wear the skin of your prey as coats,” Iizuka said, “but from what we hear, you never eat the prey itself. A true hunter respects their prey by ensuring that every bite is consumed.”

“Oh, pish posh, I’ll do with my prey as I please. But tell me, what of your little excursion to Historia? I would have gone myself, but merely the idea of handing over my lovely coat was dreadful. Now, what marvelous creatures did you hunt?”

“We didn’t hunt any animals.” Iizuka said. “We secured water from the Emerald Green Spring. You may have a sip if you like~”

“Spring water? Ugh.” Cruella scoffed. “Well, I’m sure the others will find a use for that.”

“As if we’re going to let you take it. In fact, I think our friend has a few things to say to you.”

“HYAH!!” Cruella was pounced from above by a red-haired girl in a karate uniform, with cat ears and little fangs on her smirking mouth. “You’re about to be the prey now, Fur Lady!”

“Right on time, Tsue!” Iizuka cheered.

“A Faunus? How fitting!” Cruella’s head became that of a dog’s, her skin turning white and spotted as she smacked Tsue off her. “A spotted coat was lovely enough, but with the Dalmatian Fruit, I can wear my own natural spots!”

“KNIFE!” Iizuka jabbed Cruella from behind. “Devil Fruits are the most disgusting excuses of food that’ve ever crossed the market…huh?!”

His knife impacted one of Cruella’s spots and did no damage, though the spot itself disappeared. “My spots absorb attacks, imbecile!” She swiped her claws back at Iizuka, who jumped back. “And what are you still doing in there?! Get out here, you lug!”

“Yeah yeah yeah. Keep your coat on.” A gruff voice said. A large, muscular man climbed out of the ship, wearing an orange tank-top, gray pants, and brown boots. He had magenta hair, scars on his pumped arms, and the left side of his mouth was ripped open, exposing his strong, grit teeth.

Iizuka and Mera stepped back in terror. “You’re… ZEBRA!” Iizuka exclaimed. (From Toriko.)

“Nya? Is he a big deal?” Tsue asked, attempting to attack Cruella with karate chops.

“He’s one of the Gourmet Elite 4 alongside Toriko.” Mera answered. “He was locked in Zordoom for bringing 26 species to extinction! Don’t tell me they freed you for the Gourmet Hunt?!”

“I have Gourmet Corp. to thank for that. Now then, we’re taking over this ship.” Zebra inhaled a deep breath and, “AAAAAAAHHH!” bellowed a powerful soundwave that seemed to terrifically overpower Mera and Iizuka…

But in actuality, the wave was being engulfed directly down Iizuka’s throat, swallowing the last bit with a hearty smile. “You’re considered to be one of the strongest soundbenders in the universe, Zebra! But I’m a soundbender, too, and I’ve practiced Dragon Style. AAAAAHH!” He bellowed the sound straight back, but Zebra blocked it with a shield of sound.

“Big deal.” Zebra willed waves to reverberate around the walls to attack Iizuka and Mera from several angles. Iizuka tried to defend his partner and eat the sounds, but some had managed to cut him. Zebra followed up with a swift punch, only for Mera to pull Iizuka out of the way.

“Why are you jerks attacking us?!” Tsue demanded to know, attempting to pounce circles around Cruella. As the Fur Hunter lay punches to the cat Faunus, spots decorated Tsue’s body. Cruella directed her following attacks to those spots, causing Tsue to yelp with greater pain.

“Because we will soon command ALL the universe’s ingredients! And I will have all the marvelous furs to myself! I wonder what furs you’re hiding? I can smell their scents on you. I can tell you snuggle yourself with furs every day!”

“I won’t let you lay a PAW on my pets!” Tsue lay a passionate kick to Cruella’s jaw.

DK Isles

The Kongs had invited their friends and relatives to a Gold Banana party, watching the Cooking Fest on a barrel TV. Ever since the climax of the Pirate War, the Kongs’ spirits have livened up, and they wished for little more than a happy life.

BOOM! The sound of a gunshot rang throughout the air, birds cawing and flapping away from the island. The animals directed their attention to where the sound came from.

A strong, short-haired man with a thick yellow shirt and brown leather pants and boots marched out of the jungle, wielding a two-barrel rifle. (From Tarzan.) “Ah, the legendary Donkey Kong. How nice to meet you.” The hunter said with a smirk, his thin mustache curving with his mouth. “I’ve been trying to meet you for ages, but those wretched Kremlings kept getting in my way. You put on quite the performance at Zootopia.”

Gourmet Corp. Gorilla Hunter

CLAYTON

“You’re quite past your prime, yet you handled your own against King K. Rool quite well. I’m sure… you’ll make a splendid trophy.” Clayton cocked his gun and trained it on DK.

Donkey glared and pulled out his own rifle, locking onto Clayton. Clayton’s smirk grew, his teeth white as the fur that grew around his body. Clayton morphed into a white gorilla with a distinct purple spot on his back. “This should put us on equal footing!”

…

On the nearby Tiki Island, a giant golden eagle was diving down talons-first at Buhara, the chubby half-giant covering an egg under his big belly. The eagle was about to relentlessly impale Buhara, but the giant suddenly turned over and thrusted his belly up against the eagle’s talons, suffering a cut, but pushing the avian back into the air with enough strength. Afterwards, his partner, Menchi tossed knives at the eagle with helicopter speed, slicing its feathers up.

The eagle retreated behind some ruins and seemed to shrink into itself. It had transformed into a potbellied man, tall and lanky with balding hair and a careworn face. He wore a brown Akubra hat with crocodile teeth and a gold eagle feather attached to it. He wielded a rifle the same as Clayton’s. (From Rescuers Down Under.)

Gourmet Corp. Bird Hunter

PERCIVAL McLEACH

The man jumped out and shot the hunters, Menchi dodging the bullets and running to deal a punch to McLeach’s face. As McLeach keeled back, he assumed a hybrid eagle form and flew up with gold wings, swinging his wings to launch the spiked gold feathers at his foes. “You must be a Devil Fruit eater.” Menchi deduced.

“Damn right! I’m a sight to behold with the Golden Eagle Fruit! Now, why don’t ya stop making things hard for yourselves and give me the rooster egg? We can’t let a ripe ol’ egg like that go to waste!”

“This is the only egg that hasn’t been seized by the Kremlings! You’ll never have it!” Menchi vowed.

“Well, that’s a pity.” McLeach held the rifle in his talons and resumed shooting.

Ace Hunter

Kohaku relaxed herself in the ship’s bath, covered in bubbles as she released a blissful sigh. “So, this is what a modern bath is supposed to feel like. It’s just as amazing as I imagined…”

“Nel agree with fellow Ripe Girl.” The cavechild snuggled up to Kohaku. “Nel remember when Augsus give her bath. Nel have good time…”

“Ehhhhh…” Kohaku moaned uncomfortably.

“Haha haha!” Suika laughed, squeaking a rubber duck. “Suika doesn’t get to bathe with ducks.”

“O-Suika, wherefore doth thou not remove headwear?” Tama asked.

“Because Suika can’t see well. Suika thinks bubbles are pretty.”

“Suika must scrub hair! Let Tama help thee!” Tama gripped Suika’s melon and tugged it off.

Suika had a rather big head and big, sparkling brown eyes, as well as fluffy golden hair. “Ahhhh! Suika, thou art so beauti-”

Criiiink!

Suika’s face crinkled up in a distorted fashion. “AAAAACK!” Tama fell back under the water.

“Hold still, Suika, I’ll wash your head.” Kohaku assured, brushing a washcloth over the girl and straightening her face back out. “Don’t squint your eyes like that or your face will get stuck that way.”

“Gu-u-u-u-r-r-r-gl-l-l-l-le!” Tama bubbled from underneath.

“Ahh!” Kohaku pulled the ninja back up.

Haylee’s eyes were weary as she parked the ship on a large asteroid. “Yaaaaawn. Okay… ship is parked, lights are out…” The bridge turned dark as she pulled a switch. “Time to hit the hay…”

On her way to her room, Haylee walked by the Baby Trio’s room, where they and Gourmerry were asleep in cribs. She then glanced into Augustus’s room, seeing the hunter in pajamas and flipping through his phone lazily. “Heh, you really are a teenager.”

“Hm? So’re you.” Augustus replied. “Can’t a guy catch a break after a long day?”

“If you stare at that too long, you’ll only feel more tired by the morning.”

“There ain’t no ‘morning’ in space, dummy. Besides, I’m lookin’ up our next game, and I think I got it. ’Soon as Yuzu gets back, we’re headin’ straight for Avalar.”

“Sounds awesome. Now go to sleep, young man.” Haylee proceeded to her room.

“Meh meh…” Augustus put his phone on his desk and closed his eyes.

Haylee changed into her light-blue pajamas with yellow airplanes, afterwards laying two sleeping bags down. Shortly after, Kohaku and Suika entered her room. “Hey there! I prepared these for you two. But if you want, you can sleep on my bed.”

“It’s okay.” Kohaku replied, slipping into one of the bags. “I sleep on the ground sometimes, so this is pretty comfy.”

“Suika feels so cozy!” The melon-less girl tucked herself into the other bag, rolling around. “She loves outer space already!”

“Just to be clear,” Haylee began, “we could get in trouble for having you guys with us, so don’t tell too many people where we’re from.”

“Don’t worry, we promise.” Kohaku smiled, resting her head on her folded arms. …With a light frown, she stared at the dim lit ceiling, lost in thought. “This feels… weird.”

“You’ve never been at a girls’ sleepover before?”

“One of Senku’s friends talks about ‘sleepovers.’ Basically, a group of friends go to one of their houses to talk about things or eat food. It’s not much different from what we already do, since I share a hut with Suika and other girls.”

“Well, for us moderners, most of us have our own secluded room and sleep by ourselves. That’s why it’s refreshing to sometimes have friends over to spend the night with. Well, that mostly applies to normal people.” Haylee figured. “But for the KND, we’re always with our teams and always together. Sometimes, we have to sleep in the same room on a journey. We get so close that, sometimes, we want a small break from each other. So, I guess it’s refreshing to share a room with you guys instead of Haruka, Kirie, or the others.”

“Those are friends of yours? …I think I see what you mean.” Kohaku smiled. “Yeah… when Senku’s group showed up, it felt really nice to meet people from outside the village. And being out here, among the stars… it already feels so unique.”

“Suika hopes the whole village gets to come to outer space!” Suika rolled around like a bug in a cocoon.

“Hm hm! I hope so, too.”

“Anyway, let’s get to sleep.” Haylee turned the lamp off. “You won’t have to join us, but Captain’s gonna have another busy day tomorrow. Night.”

The ship grew quiet with all the passengers in slumber. Nel and Tama climbed into Augustus’s bed to cuddle with their captain.

The next day

Nel returned to Stone Kingdom for Yuzu and waited for the travel ship to return. Taking a keg of the purified spring water with them, they soon returned to the Hunter. “Hah heeeey, Yuzu!” Augustus grabbed the cook in a hug. “How was your night in Stone Land?”

“It was pretty good! Got to sleep under the stars and everything. Anyhow, who wants a drink?”

Yuzu poured glasses of the spring water to share with all the crew, with Gourmerry and the others enjoying a second serving. “Whaddya say, Gourmerry? Should I make Emerald Green Spring your drink?”

“Gourme!”

Translating that as a ‘yes,’ Augustus wrote the spring down on Gourmerry’s menu. “Well, we’re on a good streak, so let’s get hunting for the next item! Stewie, image please!”

Stewie displayed a large image of adult Nel snuggling with Augustus, with Tama having been kicked off the bed. “’TIS WHEREFORE O-TAMA ON FLOOR?!” Tama screamed.

“What the hell, Nel?!” August shouted. “Never mind, Stewie, quit playing around and show the real image!”

Stewie switched to an image of an advertisement, depicting a cute young woman with short brown hair, a hat with a yellow feather on it, and a large merchant’s backpack. She was holding a rolled up map, and the ad read, Genuine Map to Salad Bar Cove, only 6,000 gems! Visit the Colzione Trading Ship off the coast of Rippletide, Appleton!

“Supposedly, Salad Bar Cove is a haven for salted fruits and vegetables, and they taste like a rich treasure.” Augustus explained. “I’d say we could fix up our own salad bowl with all those ingredients. According to legend, this produce was first planted and grown by a famous Pirate Lord, Barbossa.”

“And they’re already salted?” Yuzu asked. “Not sure how I feel about that, but we could probably manage something. Let’s go for it!”

“Aye!” Augustus unwrapped his next lollipop. “Let’s set sail to Avalar!”

“Hey, Captain?” Haylee opened Gourmerry’s menu. “For the record, you spelled ‘Hors d’oeuvre’ wrong.” Indeed, it was spelled ‘Hors d’oeurve.’

“Well, Haylee, I’d like to see you try to spell it without looking it up.”

“Did you look it up?”

“YES, and I STILL got it wrong! Seriously, whose idea was it to…ugh, just get us down to Avalar!”

“Tee hee hee!” Tama giggled at his frustration. (“Gourmerry…”)

GKND H.Q.

A hunk of cow meat was roasting inside a pot of boiling hair cream. “They whip cows to harvest their whipped cream,” Bender explained, “meaning there’s already whipped cream inside them to add to their flavor. So, what if we add hair cream to the mix?”

“That’s a good idea!” Apis beamed. “Aeincha gives us hair cream sometimes and it smells really great! I bet she’ll love this!”

“What in blazes are you two doing in here?” asked a Jamaican voice, belonging to Jerome Winkiebottom. The monochrome boy pinched his nose from the noxious smell. “What’ve you done to the kitchen?!”

“This kitchen is our studio!” Bender proclaimed. “Our masterpiece will blow Cooking Fest out of the water!” To emphasize his point, he quickly stuck small square tiles onto a pot, marking his likeness in a pixelly fashion.

This caused the pot’s liquid to explode out, with a rounded mass plopping on the floor. …The Kittentia grew its ears, tail, and paws. It shook the soup off her and strolled away, much to Jerome’s confusion. “…Bender, I need your help fixing some bugs in the Sooper Computer. Time to step out of the kitchen.”

“Okay.” Bender sighed. “Apis, I entrust the kitchen to you. Remember everything I taught you and make me proud.”

“Aye-aye, Chef! I mean, oui, Captain! I’ll do my best!”

Bender followed Jerome out of the kitchen. Apis put on a focused expression and turned to the boiling cow meat. “But since we’ve already put hair cream in… some hair flakes would make a good seasoning!” She began scratching her head as little flakes drifted into the pot. “Excellent! Ooo, but what about cactus juice? I heard that stuff is amazing!”

Rippletide, Appleton

Rippletide was a peaceful, old-timey town with brick houses and orange roofs. The road was made of stone brick and was built over the sea, connecting to the coast. The Marzipans approached the town on their Ace Sailor, seeing a couple ships docking, but one other ship docked further out at sea. The morning sun cast a soft, crisp light on the coast.

“I reckon that’s the ship we’re looking for.” Augustus said. “Let’s pay her a visit.”

“Do we have 6,000 gems, August-san?” Yuzu asked.

“No, but I got a ton of Chocolate Coins.”

“You can’t be serious. Look, I have a lot of yen on me, let’s see if there’s a place we can exchange it for gems.”

“Someone will have bought it by then! Just follow my lead.”

“Looks like Captain’s about to work his charm again.” Haylee remarked. “Okay, I’m bringing her in.”

The merchant on the ship appeared to be 18 years old, wearing a white dress with yellow ribbons on the short sleeves, a brown leather vest, and boots. As she was depicted on the article, her hat covered her short brown hair and had the distinct gold feather on it. Currently, she was talking to a short, gray alien dressed in a black coat.

“I’m tellin’ ya, darlin’, this Fairy Tear’s the genuine article.” The alien said as he held up a vial containing something sparkly and liquid. “Cried straight from Princess Mavis herself. Oh, ya shoulda seen it, saddest damn movie she’s ever seen. She cried enough tears to drown a country, I tell ya, barely got outta there alive. And all I’m askin’ is a wee 7,000 gems.”

“I dunno, that tear looks a little gray to be a Fairy Tear. Kinda seems like you just sprinkled it with a reflective sugar.”

“Yeah, well maybe Princess Mavis ain’t as pure as we think. Maybe this grayness is a window into the tormented depths of her innocent soul. Either that or she had a thing for cement. And believe me, she’ll learn the hard way that there are just some things you shouldn’t put cement over.”

“Ahoooooyyy!” Augustus parked his ship beside the merchant’s ship. “Is this the Colzione Trading Ship?”

“It sure is!” The girl saluted, speaking in a chipper tone. “Tressa Colzione, happy to serve! What can I do for you this fine day?” (From Octopath Traveler.)

The gray alien waddled elsewhere as Augustus set the plank up for him, Yuzu, Tama, and Gourmerry to cross. “I’m here for a map to Salad Bar Cove?”

“Aha, you must mean this.” Tressa pulled out a scroll and unraveled it. “That’s right, this handy dandy paper will help ya navigate the Under Sea and take you straight to Salad Bar Cove.”

“So, it’s located in the Under Sea.” August cracked a smirk.

“It’s underwater?” Yuzu asked.

“Not just that, it’s a whole other layer of ocean deep under this one, with a wide air bubble in-between. I hear merpeople live down there, but it can be difficult to navigate on a ship.”

“You’re not wrong on that front. Even I’m kinda afraid to go down there.” Tressa replied. “Anyhow, the starting price is 6,000 gems.”

“I have more than 6,000 Chocolate Coins!” Augustus presented some coins between his fingers.

“Uh…well, that’s delicious.” Tressa smiled awkwardly. “But I’m gonna need some gems. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to exchange candy at the Currency Exchange.”

“How much is 6,000 gems in Japanese yen?” Yuzu asked.

“Ha ha!” Tressa laughed. “Sounds like you guys are always on the road! You don’t make too many purchases, do you?”

“Well, I am a Gourmet Hunter.” August replied. “Finding food on the road is our job.”

“And I’m guessing lollipops are a gourmet specialty?”

“Want a taste?” August popped the candy out.

“Man, you’re terrible at this.” Yuzu sighed.

“Pardon me, Madame.” Tressa turned to another customer, a short, tan, French man in a trenchcoat and sunglasses. “I ’ear you are one to see about a map?”

“You must mean this map!” Tressa grinned and presented the map. “Only 6,000 gems!”

“Excellent! I will pay it in full.”

“Hold on a second!” August spun Tressa around. “We had eyes on it first.”

“Look, Mr. Hunter, you’re a funny guy, but I have a business to run.”

“You’re quite well traveled yourself, aren’t you?”

“Hm?” Tressa cocked a brow at his observation. “Well, anyone can guess that!”

“Aye, it’s all over your face. Your eyes have a subtle flare about them, a flare that’s brimming with curiosity, a longing to see more new things. That perky voice of yours has the soul of an adventurer, along with the wits that come with years of experience.”

“Alright, smarty pants,” Tressa cracked a chuckle, “you can flatter me all you want, but I ain’t giving you this map for free.”

“No, you can keep the map. I was just gonna ask you to come with me.”

“W…what?”

“Wait a moment…” The short man whispered, tipping up his shades. “That is…”

“The Salad Cove is filled with all kinds of tasty goodies. Surely, you can make a quick gem or two selling them on your ship? Why don’t you follow that map and head there yourself?”

“Well… like you were saying, it’s dangerous to navigate the Under Sea, so I never considered…”

“I got an awesome navigator on my ship. I guarantee she’ll get us through. Besides that, we’ve been in a handful of battles and been to all kinds of dangerous places. Then again, you look like you’re not one to pull punches yourself. I recognize a tough girl when I see one.”

“I’m guessing you’re an expert in that field.” Tressa cracked a light smirk. “Yeah, I’m pretty tough, but I would wager you’re tougher than me.”

“Ah-he-hem.” coughed the short customer. “This is all very adorable, but I am growing impatient.”

“Tressa, come with us.” Augustus requested more firmly. “Let’s use that map of yours and find Salad Bar Cove. The gems you’ll make off those ingredients would be enough to buy 10 of those maps! And if that ain’t enough, well… maybe my young chef here can convince you.”

“I guess that’s my cue.” Yuzu said, withdrawing a covered plate from her Infi-Cube. She uncovered it, revealing a large loaf of lush brown bread beside a bowl of vanilla butter, along with bacon strips where the lined texture waved and danced. “I prepared some breakfast for you!”

“Well, I already ate, but I guess I’ll have another bite.” Tressa picked off a piece of bread, dipped it in the butter, and ate. “Mmmmmmm!” The butter sent a sweet, gentle chill across her nerves, while she could almost feel the bread coursing from her stomach to her muscles.

“That Muscle Bread comes from the Stone Kingdom’s wheat field. It helps reinvigorate your muscles after they’ve grown stiff from sleep, and the Miran Yakow Butter helps to rid your sleepiness. The Wavy Bacon reacts in the presence of tasty food, so if you eat it, it’ll amplify your tastebuds.”

Tressa ate a piece of the bacon next. “Ohhhhhh babyyyyyy!” She could feel the taste zooming across her tongue like new tires on a freshly paved road, piercing through the taste of bread and butter and stirring them like a luscious wave. “I feel like I’m on the road on a cool morning, my heart pumping with adrenaline! And my body is the valley! YAAAHOOOOOOO!” She envisioned herself riding a convertible made of bread along a lush red road over a vanilla desert. In reality, Tressa danced across the deck of her ship, stirring the wind with airbending and blasting a great gust to the sky!

“She possesseth power over wind!” Tama exclaimed. (“Gourmerry!”)

“That’s a free spirit if I ever saw one!” August cheered. “Imagine selling food like that at your shop!”

“Hah hah…it was really amazing, but my specialty is selling treasures and stuff. I don’t know enough about food to-”

“Yuzu’s going to be making tons of awesome food at Cooking Fest, and everyone’s gonna love it. When that’s all said and done, people are gonna want more. If you could sell that food you just ate, how much would you say it’s worth?”

“I would pay… honestly, 1,000 gems.”

“Is that a lot?” Yuzu asked. “I don’t usually charge that much for my food.”

“Yuzu cooks the food,” August continued, “and you sell the food, share the profit, boom, you got yourself a business. For us hunters, food is just as much treasure as silver or gold, and trust me, it’s a bustling business. So, whaddya say? Wanna join us on an adventure of good eatin’ and profit?”

Tressa was silent for a moment as the last remnants of the taste faded away. Eating that bread and bacon felt so exciting. Tressa was brimming with energy and wanted to burn it off. Across her journeys, Tressa’s only had mostly average meals. Occasionally, she would eat something amazing, but nothing to give her a sensation like that. Just what else could this young chef cook? Just wondering… was making her adventurer senses tingle.

“Ahem.” Tressa turned once more to the short customer, who discarded his glasses to show his glare. “My patience has gone.” He clapped his hands.

A huge, blue sea serpent emerged several yards away and blasted a Hyper Beam at Rippletide. “Is that a Gyarados?!” Augustus exclaimed, surprised to see a Pokémon on Avalar.

“Give me the map or my friend will destroy this whole town!” Skinner demanded.

“Just who the hell are you, old man?!” August demanded, balling his fist.

“Gyarados, destroy another-”

“WAIT!” Tressa yelled. “Fine, take the map, just stop!” She rolled up the map and placed it in his hand.

Skinner smiled and tucked it under his coat. “Much gratitude.” He made a whistle as Gyarados swam over, biting Skinner’s coat in his teeth and tossing him up onto the head.

“Took you long enough!” Iron Mask (from Pokémon Movie 4) stated impatiently. It was only then the group noticed the taller, thuggish masked man atop the Pokémon’s head. “Now blow up those brats!”

“The bomb should be going off in three, two-”

The inside of Tressa’s ship exploded. “Whoops! Miscounted~” Skinner smiled wryly.

“MY MERCH!” Tressa screamed.

“Gyarados, blast the other ship!” Iron Mask ordered. The sea snake charged a Hyper Beam and fired, but Haylee mashed a button that brought up a barrier to withstand the attack. “Meh. Just let the grunts take care of it!”

Pirate Shy Guys and Wartortles climbed up on the deck of either ship. Two of the turtles spun at August, so he threw his Gob-Spinner to intercept one and threw a Haki kick at the other to flip it over. Two Shy Guys charged at Tressa, who swiftly dodged their swords with a dance of airbending and slammed a gust against either of them to knock them down. She kicked back at a Shy Guy from behind, flinging it back as Tama batted it off the ship. Tressa ran up to three Shy Guys trying to take her merchandise, stealing it back and blowing them off in the process.

Yuzu and Haylee had gotten out a hose and stretched it over to Tressa’s ship, going inside to spray the fire. Augustus charged his Gob-Spinner again, but with Tressa’s added airbending, the ball spun with greater force and swept up the remaining enemies like a tornado, exploding with wind and blasting them off the decks. “I bet you those guys were Gourmet Corp..” August deduced.

“Well, whoever they are, there’s no way I’m letting them get away with this!” Tressa vowed. “Stealing my merch and attacking my shop, they better compensate me BIG time!”

“Then we better go after them!” Yuzu ushered. “Without the map, we’ll never be able to find the Salad Cove.”

“Don’t worry. I have a backup map.” Tressa held up her phone, which displayed a picture of the map. “I took a picture of it juuuust in case I wanted to sell it again at a lower price.”

“That really cuts down on its value.” Haylee replied awkwardly.

“Hee hee! I guess if nothing else, settling a grudge is a good reason to set off on a journey.” Augustus snickered.

“You can officially count me in on this!” Tressa proclaimed proudly. “I’ll kick their butts, find some treasure, and make a profit while doing it! Oh, but I don’t think I got your name.”

“Name’s Captain Augustus von Fizzuras! Legendary pirate and a wanted man!”

“Ahh, another pirate. Well, I can’t wait to hear your story. Let’s set sail, Captain!”

“Looks like August roped himself another one.” Haylee remarked. “He’s gonna have more girls than Cheren at this rate.”

“Wouldst she be considered ‘ripe’ by O-Nel’s standards?” Tama asked.

“Don’t ask such things, Tama.” Yuzu replied. (“Gourmerry!”)

Avalaran Sea

Somewhere out in the ocean was a gargantuan trench that split across the surface, the sounds of the falls roaring down into the depths of the planet. Haylee pulled a switch to extract sails on the sides of the Ace Sailor. “It’s not an adventure without sailing dangerous natural phenomena. Hang tight, guys, we’re going in!”

Haylee studied the treasure map on Tressa’s phone, which depicted at which point to fall down the falls. The ship curved vertically upon crossing the edge, Haylee holding the helm tightly and using the side sails to maneuver along the surface of the falls. She followed the directions as indicated by the map, and it seemed there was a current along the surface to help her. “Nature sure is weird, but I love it!” Haylee cheered.

“Heh, I like your helmsman!” Tressa cheered, she and the crewmen hanging onto the rigging. She had to speak loudly over the falls. “After this is done, is it alright if I borrow her?!”

“I’m kind of borrowing her from another crew!” August replied with an ecstatic smile. “There’s only so far the chain of command will stack!”

“Same with me!” Yuzu yelled, clinging the rigging with hands and feet to avoid flinging about. “If there’s one thing Captain’s good at, it’s borrowing people!”

“I’m great at a lot of things, Yuzu, you seen me!”

“More questionable things than not!”

The wild ride continued for several minutes before the ship steered into a watery tunnel. It looped upside-down and back to right-side-up. The voyage became calmer as they sailed out of the tunnel, into a more vast region: an ocean beneath them and a ceiling of ocean above them, with swirling columns of water interconnecting either. “Yep, it’s the Under Sea all right!” Tressa said. “There’s so much sunken treasure, I can smell it!”

“I don’t see those Gourmet Corp. guys anywhere nearby.” Haylee said. “Better stay alert. We still have a while until we arrive.”

“We could always hope they took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up falling into the abyss.” Augustus joked.

“That would be problematic.” Tressa replied. “Who’s going to pay me back now?”

“We’ll beat it out of the rest of them~”

“Heh heh! …” Tressa looked over to Gourmerry on Tama’s back; the ninja was currently barfing over the railing. “That’s a crazy story you told me… Does the rest of the universe know about that Firstborn?”

“Hopefully, not. They’re still trying to wrap their heads around all these other Newborn randomly popping up. We would have way more people coming after us if they knew who Gourmerry was.”

“You must trust me an awful lot~” Tressa said with a teasing smile. “A Firstborn would make a hefty amount of profit.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were a black market dealer~” August smirked.

“Not even close, buddy. I’m an honest to goodness merchant.”

“That’s what they all say~”

“Well, I am!” she yelled in a flustered way. “All I want to do in life is explore the world and find, buy, and sell treasures in a perfectly legal way. And even I know the Firstborn are too important to just casually sell. It would be like selling a weapon of mass destruction.”

“Is that how you think of the Firstborn?” Yuzu asked.

“W-Well, I mean… I do my share of research, and I recall hearing the Firstborn were common targets for villains, to do… evil villain things.”

“You know she ain’t wrong.” August said. “Even Gourmerry was almost used to bring mass destruction, right as she was born. It’s like a rite of passage or something.”

Yuzu released a somber sigh, looking to the Firstborn in question. Tama was sitting against the wall, trying to soothe her tummy with Gourmerry in her arms. “I guess that’s why the other Firstborn sacrificed their power. I wonder… if these New Firstborn could do the same.”

Haylee steered the ship around maelstroms and waterfalls that would pour down from random parts of the ceiling. Staying loyal to the map’s direction, the crew came within sight of a long, rocky island. It was somewhat rectangular in shape and had several gardens of natural produce segmented along it. There was a narrow cove entrance into the island, so Haylee carefully steered the ship in. “ROOOOAAAAR!” The Gyarados emerged from the entrance and blasted its Hyper Beam.

“Fork SHIELD!” Augustus leapt on the keel and crossed his Haki arms, struggling to block the beam. He managed to endure until the beam faded. Tressa blasted some air gusts to spin the serpent around, leaving Haylee to bombard it with cannonballs. The serpent fell over on the surface, unconscious.

“You okay, Captain?” Tressa asked.

“Yeah, just… a little sore.” Augustus stretched and rubbed his arms. “Heh, if Gyarados were a god or something, that Hyper Beam would’ve been a lot deadlier.”

“Tehe, so you can only be beaten by a god, is that it?”

“Either that or a real cute lady~”

“Ugh, cringe!” Tressa chortled.

“Okay, playboy,” Haylee remarked, “you guys should probably get off here. I’ll have to park the ship somewhere secret in case he wakes up. Just send a call when you want me to get you.”

“But if you guys are hunters, why not just cook and eat it?” Tressa asked.

“Eating Pokémon is taboo.” August replied. “In fact, I wouldn’t put it past Gourmet Corp. to do that. Kinda worried for this guy now.”

The crew dropped down to the Gyarados’ body, and from there swam along the surface to the cove’s coast. Augustus carried Tama and Gourmerry, and once they made land, they watched as Haylee sailed away. “Sniff, sniff.” Yuzu whiffed. “I smell a ton of salty flavors! And look at this!” Yuzu ran up to a jagged rock. Behind it was a cabbage bushel, which seemed to be longing to open. Yuzu carefully poked it open with a knife—a fountain of salt came spurting out.

“Yeesh, that much salt can’t be healthy!” August said.

“Salt in cabbage can help balance your immune system and can serve as a colon cleanser.” Yuzu smiled, picking the cabbage off the ground. “Tama, you should try some. You were pretty sick on the boat.”

Tama took the cabbage and smiled as she took a bite. “Mmmm! O-Tama feels much better now! O-Merry must taste, too!” She passed the veggie back to the spirit.

“Gourmerry!” She was joyous as she bit the produce.

“Ha ha!” August laughed. “Hey, is that another one?” He approached another cabbage on the ground—a Shy Guy in camo clothes sprung up and shot a slingshot, hitting August’s eye before the captain swung a fist and KO’ed him. “Agh, you dick! I guess they brought grunts with them. Let’s find those jerks and make ’em pay!”

“Now you’re talking my language!” Tressa fist-palmed.

“She’s really blending in well.” Yuzu commented. “Either way, I’ve certainly got a craving. Let’s go!” (Play “Treasure Trove Cove” from Banjo-Kazooie!)

Menu 3: Salad Bar Cove

Recipe: Create a salad blend using the ingredients on the island!

The crew proceeded up a rugged hill up to an opening within the cliff, but were ambushed by Crabbies from behind rocks. The crab Pokémon snapped their claws, but Tama bashed them unconscious easily. They entered the gap into the first segment of the salad bar, which contained a vast garden of asparagus. “Tama, better climb on me.” Augustus suggested, realizing the asparagus stretched as tall as the older teens. “Tressa, hold Yuzu’s hand, she’s pretty small, too.”

“I won’t get lost in a silly asparagus field!” Yuzu flushed.

“Watch out!” A White Asparagus emerged from a pond hidden in the veggies. It was much smaller than the Great White Asparagus, so it was probably a Good White Asparagus. Augustus pressed his right fingers together, hardening his arm as his Haki shaped like a knife. He sliced the asparagus beast in two and killed it.

“Ooo, shiny!” Tressa bent down and collected a purple, coin-size gem off the ground. “Oh, there’s another one!” She picked up a yellow gem.

“You’ve got some greedy fingers.” August remarked. “How do you even spot them through all this?”

“I use a specialized Observation Haki that lets me detect dropped change.”

“That sounds like a very limited Haki…” Yuzu replied confusedly.

“Leave no change wasted, that’s my motto!”

They crossed toward the left side of the garden, finding what seemed to be an ancient freezer door. “Three Tomato Doubloons are required to enter the cold storage.”

“This place makes no frickin’ sense.” August remarked.

“I guess my ‘limited Haki’ will come into use here.” Tressa inferred. They explored the asparagus garden in search of said doubloons. Tressa spotted one within a taller bushel of asparagus, but four Spy Guys popped out from around them and fired slingshots. Tressa punched two away with air gusts while August chucked his Gobstopper, bouncing between the other two and KOing them. The crew found a large pond with two White Asparaguses, but while Augustus dealt with them, Tressa collected the Tomato Coin in the pond.

The last tomato was in a corner, tied to a string, but the string would yank it into a hole when they got near. Yuzu simply tossed a knife while the string was out and cut it. “Hey! I’ve had that string since kindergarten! You’ll pay for-!” A Shy Guy jumped out to get revenge, but a swift punch was all it took.

With the three tomatoes collected, they paid the freezer door and were granted entry. Inside was a smaller garden of Snow-White Asparaguses; they weren’t sentient, just snow-colored stalks in a chilling cave. Yuzu took a bite of one and perked up in delight, feeling a tickly chill in her heart. “Let’s take these!” Yuzu suggested, getting a portable freezer from her Infi-Cube and stuffing the stalks in. “These get me excited for winter!”

After leaving the freezer, the crew found some steps to the upper-right corner, leading them out of the garden. They had to cross a chasm using a series of opening/closing treasure chests mounted on stone spires, but the chests had angry eyes and sharp teeth. The group jumped these Lockups while they were closed, but Tressa sensed money inside some of them and jumped in while their mouths were open. She used her bending to leap out and land on the chests just as they closed. Once past the chests, the crew entered the next segment, filled with piles of salted, brownish-gold bananas. A trio of gold Lockups, smaller than the previous, were chomping bananas in their mouths. Upon spotting the hunters, the Lockups frantically bounced away.

“Tama, you want a turn with this?” August asked.

“Hai!” Tama conjured Shadow Clones and had them split up, but each one took a dango from the real Tama. One of the Tamas crept up on a chest hiding in a corner, using Cloak Jutsu to hide whenever the chest looked over. Once at the chest, she tossed the dango inside, and the chest became infatuated with her. Another chest was hopping around a series of pillars, trying to stay away from the real Tama. Since one clone had finished, Tama dispelled it and made another one to help her lure the chest out, allowing her to ambush and feed it a dango. The last chest had retreated inside a hollow pillar, sealing the entrance. The 3^rd Tama jumped up some banana piles, each one ascending higher, until she could overlook the gap at the top of the pillar. She used her staff’s glider to glide into the pillar, land on the chest, and feed it the dango.

Now that Tama made friends with the Little Lockups, she helped guide them over to a giant Lockup whose mouth was hanging wide open and blocking a cavern. Tama asked the chests to jump into the giant one, and the Big Lockup snapped its mouth shut and chewed the small chests to pieces. The crew could climb over the closed chest and enter the cavern. It was rather green inside and was raining from the ceiling, the ground lush with wet grass. There were several large cucumbers standing around, some roughly Yuzu’s height, but the one that caught their attention was a bigger cucumber bouncing around the cave on its bottom. “Well, that pickle’s sure in a good mood.” Tressa said.

“I think it’s a Spring Cucumber!” Yuzu observed. “Check out those swirly lines around it. You can only cut the inner areas between the springs, but catching and pinning it down is tricky.”

“O-Tama wishes to ride it!” The child excitedly chased after the cucumber as it was bouncing near a large, pink flower with a thick trunk with large leaves around it.

“VENUSAUR!” A Mega Venusaur emerged from beneath that flower, tossing Razor Leaves that Tama hastily evaded.

“A Venusaur?!” August questioned, yanking Tama back with the Licorope.

“You know, this guy can actually help!” Yuzu smirked, running up to the Spring Cucumber and jumping to grab it. She steered the bouncing vegetable and attracted the Venusaur’s attention, tricking it into shooting Razor Leaves. The leaves cleanly sliced the cucumber, so by the time it was fully diced, only the thin spring was left to bounce around. Augustus then leapt to slam the Venusaur’s head with Mallet, the beast thrusting him off. It caught August in a Vine Whip and tried to swing him around, but he cut the vine with Knife and flung to the ground. The Venusaur charged him, but August pushed against it with Haki hands. He hauled and swung the beast against the wall, followed by one more strong punch to the stomach to KO the Pokémon.

“At least he made that a lot easier.” Yuzu said as she gathered the cucumber pieces into the cube.

“Yeah, but this Venusaur was in a Mega form.” Augustus noticed. “And he’s not changing back. …Wasn’t that just like…”

The crew exited the tunnel, having to balance across a thin, stone walkway over the sea. Four Snifits poked up from the other side, the gun-mouthed Shy Guys spitting bullets. Tressa used air gusts to blow the bullets off course, keeping this up until they were across the path, and Augustus KO’ed the Snifits with a Gobstopper combo. The crew entered a tight, snaky trench path that seemed to grow hotter the further in. The passage let out in an area where the air was burning orange, a result of the numerous peppers growing around.

“I think we’ll have to take a bite of this.” Yuzu suggested, pulling out a Snow-White Asparagus. They each bit into the frosty veggie and could feel a relaxing chill throughout their bodies.

“Hoo! I’m definitely stalking up on these this summer!” Tressa beamed. The crew maneuvered carefully around the fiery peppers. Ring-a-ding! The ring of a bell caught their attention, and they noticed a Bell Pepper hanging above the path. It seemed to sense the intruders and was shaking fire at them, so Tressa blew the flames away with airbending. They approached a long pit where they would have to jump large pepper branches. The branches were on fire and had static bells underneath them. Tressa blew air against the bells to ring them, causing them to shake the fire off the peppers. The crew could then jump across them safely.

They were led to the entrance of a wide, steeple-like tower. It was rather cool and vacant of flames, and the huge Bell Pepper at the top was still. “You think ringing that thing is a good idea?” Augustus asked.

“We’ll never know unless we try.” Tressa shrugged.

“Alright, but the rest of you should wait outside, just in case.” With that, August and Tressa journeyed alone up the steeple stairs, with the hunter having to pull open hidden platforms with the Licorope in order to advance.

“Speaking of bells, have you heard about this church that installed a golden, jewel-encrusted bell into their tower?” Tressa asked. “They thought it would make their church seem a lot more fancy. Sadly, the bell was stolen by thieves who would try to sell it. Wanna guess how much they made off the bell?”

“A million gems?”

“Nothing! It was absolutely worthless! Because all the gems were inside the bell, it was unable to ring, making it virtually useless as a bell.”

“Couldn’t they have picked the jewels off?”

“Well, the moral is that just because a product looks good, doesn’t mean it IS good, no matter how shiny you try to make it. But I guess the gems themselves would’ve sold for some good cash.”

They were now directly underneath the gaping bell at the top floor. There was a surge of fire above the edge of the tower, forming into a sun with an angry face. The Angry Sun swooped down as the duo jumped apart, and Tressa spun a whirlwind to catch the mass of flame. “Tressa, put it up in that bell!” August directed. Tressa whirled the sun up against the bell’s handle, while the hunter climbed some stairs onto a platform near the bell’s side. August lay a strong, focused Armament punch against the bell, causing it to sway to and fro with the sun banging against the insides. “Let’s go!” Sensing danger, August grabbed Tressa and rushed down the tower. (“Ooo, shinies!” Tressa snagged some gems on the way.)

The donging of the bell echoed across the island as masses of light seemed to fly out of it. By the time August and Tressa regrouped with the others, a couple of those lights landed near them. “Phew, now it really feels like summer!” Tressa said.

“That must be a Summer Bell Pepper.” Yuzu figured, carefully collecting some peppers into the cube. “This will certainly add some spice to the salad!”

Past the tower, the crew trekked down some stairs to a lake of a dark-orange, gooey substance which reeked of salad dressing. There was a tree growing large, boat-shaped peppers nearby, so August cut one down as it landed flat against the surface. The crew rode in the boat using Tressa’s bending to move and steer. Blob monsters with big mouths emerged from the dressing to chomp the rowers, but the Blarggs were solid enough for August to hit with his Gobstopper as it would bounce back. The Blarggs were dizzied by the attacks and would retreat under the dressing. The group noticed a small shore with an oddly placed cannon aiming out at the sea. (Play “Fluff Festival” from Mario Sunshine!)

They curiously decided to investigate this cannon… and it seemed to be aiming out at three small ships sailing in a circle. Those ships had giant dandelions growing on them. One of the flags on a ship was monochrome while the others were white. …Augustus fired the cannon at the ship as it was passing, destroying it in one hit. Doing so uncovered a Kittentia in a pirate’s hat, sailing on a raft. The mast of the ship actually served as the raft’s mast. Kittentia made a salute as the raft sailed into the air, going up into the oceanic ceiling.

With that concluded, the crew returned on course. Their pepper boat began flowing along a river of dressing with only a few large fruit chunks to maneuver around. (Play “Nipper Battle” from Banjo-Kazooie!)

“My, you children are terribly annoying!” a French accent shouted. The crew jumped to attention and faced up at the left cliff. There was a large, wide mouse with sunglasses and a thin mustache, wearing a white chef’s uniform.

“That voice! You sound like the guy that attacked my ship!” Tressa accused.

“So, he’s actually just a fatty rat!” August remarked.

“The Rat-Rat Fruit, Mouser Model gives me an unlimited supply of bombs! ’ow about a taste?!” Skinner reached under his outfit and chucked purple bombs down at the boat. Tressa used one hand to blow the bombs away and the other to keep their boat moving.

“Man, this guy is a serious prick!” Tressa shouted. Skinner followed along the cliffside and kept throwing bombs. To make matters worse, Fly Guys were flying over with propellers and shooting fireballs at the crew, but Augustus could knock them down with the Gobstopper.

“Oi, I’m hungry…” Skinner seemed to become exhausted and pulled out a slice of pizza to eat. August seized the distracted moment to chuck his Gobstopper straight at Skinner’s nose, landing a direct hit. “OW! Grrrrr!” Skinner ran ahead to where the river sailed through a grouping of fruit rocks. He jumped along and around the chunks, throwing bombs at them from various angles. However, Tressa could direct the bombs into the fruit and destroy them, giving their boat more room to sail and Skinner less footholds. However, a Victreebel Pokémon floated out from behind a rock: Skinner chucked some bombs into its vacuum mouth, allowing the Plant-type to spit them at the crew from other angles.

Tressa blew against one of the bombs to stop its momentum, then passed it to Augustus. With swift timing, he tossed the bomb into the Victreebel’s mouth just as it was inhaling. The bomb’s fuse burned out at that point and burst inside the Pokémon. Furthermore, Skinner had become exhausted again, so August chucked a Gobstopper and knocked him into the river. A group of Fly Guys flew down to fish the Devil Fruit user out of the dressing, setting him back on the cliffside. Skinner fumed in anger and hurried ahead to a stone arch crossing over the river. Beyond that arch appeared to be a large tree with colorful autumn leaves.

Skinner began tossing multiple bombs in rampant, fountain-like fashions, so Tressa used bursts of air to shield her friends from each round. “Guys, behind us!” Yuzu yelled. The eyes of a large Blargg were peeping at them from the river, and the beast began to rise out with a gaping mouth. Tama tossed two dango into its throat, and the Blargg reactively closed its mouth with a delighted expression.

“Beastie, wouldst thou stop that evil man?” Tama requested. The Blargg nodded and submerged beneath the ooze.

“’ow about a taste of my Bomb Falls?!” Skinner began running left and right along the arch, dropping bombs repeatedly like a waterfall. He was unsuspecting as the Blargg’s eyes emerged from the opposite side, and it was only when the beast, “ROOOAAAAR!” that Skinner jumped to attention. “WAAAAH!” He ran off the arch just before the Blargg’s mouth compressed, its oozy body leaving the arch mostly unscathed. The beast submerged to allow the Marzipans to pass under the arch, where they could set foot on a shore. They chased Skinner toward the tree of autumn leaves. (End song.)

August tossed a Gobstopper to trip Skinner, allowing Tressa to run up and grab him by the collar. “Alright, you dirty rat, you owe me 6,000 for that map, plus extra for everything else you ruined! And if you don’t have the cash, you could always work it off. If you start now, you’ll probably be finished by next year’s Cooking Fest!”

“Cooking Fests happen every four years, Dame! Not that it matters because this one will be the last! I will pay you nothing!”

“What does that mean? Are you planning to sabotage the festival yourselves?” Augustus asked.

“You’ll just ’ave to… wait, what do you mean by ‘ourselves’?” Skinner inquired. “You seem to be implying that someone else was plotting something.”

Yuzu bit her lip nervously. “Don’t change the subject! Where’s that other guy we saw you with?”

“You looking for me, sweetheart?” a gruff voice spoke. The man in question stepped out from behind the tree, bouncing a black ball in his gloved hand. “I should’ve known you’d screw up, Skinner. You had two chances to bomb those brats and you blew ’em.”

“Like your Pokémon did any better, Mask!”

“So, he’s the Pokémon Trainer.” Augustus deduced, stepping closer to the thuggish man. “Hang on…” He noticed a light-red symbol on Mask’s black shirt, partly covered by the red vest. “Isn’t that the Team Rocket symbol?!”

“Team Rocket Elite Officer, Iron Mask.” He introduced himself proudly. “Pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“That explains the Mega Venusaur I saw back there. I remember back in New Galaxia, you guys worked with The Thirteen and sent Mega Pokémon to attack us. And somehow, those Mega Pokémon were permanent.”

“Team Rocket does business with Gourmet Corp., and I decided to transfer to them for a special project. Speaking of which…” His masked gaze was drawn to the creature on Tama’s back. “That’s a rather interesting creature there. It wouldn’t happen to be… the Food Firstborn, would it?”

“What makes you think it is?”

“Because of the report the Clown Trio sent. They were there when that creature was ‘born’ and it looks the part. I would also wager you guys are on some sort of important quest with this creature.”

“Or maybe we’re just casual hunters wanting to join in the festivities.”

“Yeah, well it’s time for a new festivity.” Iron Mask raised the Darkball he was bouncing. “You guys get to be the new prey for my pet.” He tossed the ball as it popped open, the darkness flowing out and taking shape. They were expecting some sort of Pokémon, but what appeared was a hideous, misshapen demon oozing with darkness. Its face was zombielike, red soulless eyes over a hissing, gaping red mouth with human teeth, and four talon-like feet.

“WHOA!” Tressa leapt back in fright. “What kind of Pokémon is that?!”

“It ain’t one I’ve ever seen!” August stated.

“They call this beast Redeye, and we found it in some ancient ruins.” Mask replied. “I thought it would make a nice meal, but after seeing it, I kind of lost my appetite. It can still make a meal out of you though!”

“Enjoy yourselves, kiddies!” Skinner got up and bolted away.

“Darn it! Get back he-” Tressa tried to chase.

“Rawru!” The demon stretched an arm in attempt to smash Tressa, but Yuzu yanked her back in time.

“I’ll leave them to you, Redeye.” Iron Mask walked away. “I’m going to regroup the Pokémon I’ve sent out. I have a feeling I’ll be eating some of them tonight…”

“I’ve already prepared the pans!” Skinner cheered, jogging after him.

“O-Yuzu, what dost thou maketh of beastie’s taste?” Tama asked.

“This thing looks sickening in every way.” Yuzu answered. “In fact… it almost looks miserable.”

“Then I say we put it out of its misery.” Augustus decided.

“Rawru!!” The beast grunted another weak roar and raised one of its claws. (Play “Decisive Battle II” from Octopath Traveler!)

Boss fight: Redeye

Augustus slashed Redeye’s claw with a Knife technique, prompting it to pull back. Redeye unleashed a scream that sounded like “Awru!” but although it sounded weird and weak, it vibrated the air enough to stun the group. It swiped an arm and knocked them over. Afterwards, Redeye stomped up and focused its glare on Augustus, its eyes flashing. “August’n!” Tama jumped in the way of the attack and was suddenly petrified, her colorful form becoming gray stone.

“Tama!” Yuzu panicked.

“Aiii!” the real Tama screamed. “I am thankful to hath clones!”

“We’re gonna need some extra help!” With that, Yuzu cranked the dial of her wristband and jolted into Yuzunite. “Have a piece of me now, Bad Breath!” she declared as she whipped out two soup pans. Redeye swiped its claw once more, Augustus countering with Knife. It unleashed another vibrating roar, but Yuzunite took the front this time and positioned her pans to catch the sounds. Yuzunite withstood the force and stomped closer, bouncing the vibrations back against Redeye as the beast became stunned. “And by the way, you roar like a pansy!”

Augustus rushed up and struck the demon with a flurry of Fork attacks, but he retreated once Redeye recovered. Redeye began to bellow, so Yuzunite raised her pans—the beast ceased and snatched her in its claw, bellowing at her directly to vibrate the chef. Redeye then discarded her, and it seemed the vibration shook Yuzu back to her day self. Redeye then attempted to petrify Yuzu, but Tama sent another clone to take the effect.

Tama bit her lip nervously; she was unable to dispel her petrified clones and she couldn’t make any more. She wished she could do something more to help. Would a dango even work on this… “Oh?” Tama noticed a pair of blobby eyes peering up over a nearby ledge: the eyes of a Blargg. She hurried over to the ledge and pulled off a dango.

“Hey, Bright Eyes, take me for a spin!” Tressa punched Redeye with an air gust and grabbed its attention. The beast tried to smash her as Tressa dodged sideways with grace, then she quickly tossed a gem to her right. Redeye became distracted by the shiny object, but this allowed Tressa to unleash a shockwave of wind to knock Redeye off all its feet. Augustus quickly followed up by leaping above and slamming Mallet onto its shadowy head. The beast jumped to recovery and tried to flash its eyes, but August tossed the Gobstopper at one eye to stop its attack.

“Hyah!” Tama jumped onto one of the talons as Redeye raised it. She then quickly leapt and bashed its head with her staff, then leapt off and ran. Redeye hissed and tried to smash her, Tama dodging as the beast began pursuing.

“Tama, what’re you doing?!” Yuzu shouted.

“O-Tama canst be braven without clones!” Tama dodged her way up to the ledge and leapt into the salad dressing. Redeye peered over the ledge—a Blargg sprouted up and CHOMPED the demon in its gaping mouth, Tama on its head. The Blargg was sickened by the taste and spat the beast out, but it lay weakened and drenched in the dressing. Augustus ran to lay a flurry of Forks against Redeye’s head, Dark Chi spurting from its form. The beast weakly roared to recovery as August backed away. It decided to crawl to the shore and guzzle dressing into its mouth, afterwards returning to spit globs of it at the crew. Yuzu jolted back to Yuzunite and used her pans to catch the dressing, spinning and chucking it back into Redeye’s eyes.

Partially blinded by the ooze, Redeye pranced forward and rampantly swiped its arms. Augustus countered with quick Knife attacks, bringing the beast down after all four limbs were struck. The captain slammed its head with Mallet, grounding it as the dressing splashed off from the shockwave. “Guys, let it use its Eye-Thingy Attack!” Yuzunite requested, rapidly wiping a saucer pan with a cloth.

“Its ‘Eye-Thing Attack,’ if you say so!” Augustus remarked. He watched as the demon pushed itself up, leaping to multiple sides of the captain until it was able to grab August in its claws. It tried to bellow at Augustus, but Tressa punched a gust that twisted its head, giving August enough time to pull his arms free. He used Mallet against the arm and broke free.

“I’m ready!” Yuzu declared.

“Come on, Bright Eyes, don’t be shy!” Tressa clapped tauntingly. The demon snatched her in its other talon and smacked Augustus away, preparing to flash its Evil Eye. But just as it did, Yuzunite held her shining clean pan in the way, reflecting Redeye’s gaze right back into him. The beast’s face was petrified, plopping to the ground.

“Time for a classic STONE FIST!” Augustus hardened his fist and dealt a firm punch. The face shattered as the demon’s body collapsed, dispersing into darkness. (End song.)

“Hah…I think that’s it.” Tressa said hopefully.

“Those guys could be back any minute.” Augustus said. He held up his communicator. “Haylee, can you bring the ship around to the east side of the island? Or whatever compass direction it is—the right side.”

“Heh, I get ya, Captain. We making another hasty retreat?”

“Yeah, essentially.” He hung up. “But before we do, what is this tree, anyway?” He returned attention to the autumn tree.

“Check out those leaves!” Yuzu pointed. “They’re not actual leaves, they’re tortilla chips. They usually go great with salad.” She climbed up and picked one off, biting it. “Mmm…a hint of spice to it, like the flickering remnants of its life.” She began to pick and place several leaves into the Infi-Cube. “I bet different colored ones have different tastes—AAAH!” A bomb was thrown at the tree as Yuzu fell off.

“Man, that monster was not worth the effort!” Iron Mask growled, standing beside Skinner. “Whatever. Since it wasn’t a Pokémon, there was no telling if I could control it. Now then, I’ll be taking that Firstborn.” He raised another Darkball.

“Thou shalt never hath O-Merry!” Tama declared, standing firmly with Gourmerry hidden from his view.

“We’ll see about that! That Redeye was a cakewalk compared to THIS baby!” Mask tossed the ball as it popped open, freeing a dark-purple winged creature with a dolphin-like tail and spiked head with red eyes.

“Not another one!” Tressa exclaimed.

“Wait, that’s a Lugia!” Yuzu recognized it from Yuzunite’s Pokémon Cards. “They call it the Hurricane Spirit!”

“Well, that presents a problem or two.” Augustus said simply. “Looks like Operation Hasty Retreat is happening right on schedule. YOLO!” He grabbed Tama and dashed away. Tressa and Yuzu jumped in shock at his action and followed.

“But I didn’t get my money back!” Tressa yelled.

“Put it on their tab!!”

“Lugia, use Whirlwind!” Iron Mask ordered. A powerful, dark gust was blown at the crew, Tressa intercepting with her own bending. Though she was able to defend the others, she was blown off her feet. Augustus grabbed her hand and kept her running.

“Monster-san, help O-Tama and nakama!” Tama tossed a dango into the salad dressing as they leapt off the cliff, the Blargg sprouting up to catch them. It wobbled across the surface as fast as possible, but Lugia caught up with whipping speed. It slashed its wings and cut the air rapidly, Augustus whipping his arms in defense. When the attack concluded, Tressa and Yuzu shot wind and arrows respectively, but the spirit dove through their attacks. Augustus dealt a Haki punch, his arm nearly rupturing upon impact to the spirit. He used his other hand to throw the Gob-Spinner at Lugia’s stomach, giving it a light cramp.

“We’re at the edge!” Augustus exclaimed once the Blargg brought them to a stone wall, separating the dressing from the sea. “Thank you, Monster!” The Blargg sprung up with enough force to send them over the wall, splashing in the waves.

“That’s a hasty move if I ever saw one!” Haylee spotted the group from afar, quickly steering over as the crew struggled to swim. Tressa had to help pull the weakened Augustus while Yuzu carried Tama and Gourmerry. “IS THAT A-?!” Haylee panicked at seeing the Dark Lugia. She reflexively blasted cannons at the Pokémon, knocking it dizzy. She then pulled a lever to lower a fishnet and catch her friends, dropping them on the deck like fish. “Okay, what the hell is Lugia doing down here?!”

“Less talky, more get-us-the-hell-outta-here-sy!” August demanded. Haylee returned to the wheel and whipped the ship around. Tressa poured airbending into the sails to give them as much speed as possible. Lugia blew wind against the sea to make a humongous wave wash over the ship.

“Not on my watch!” Haylee steered the ship back and into the wave, riding along the inside. She surfed out of the waves’ side and continued on course with greater momentum. Lugia dove in for a headbutt, but August aimed a cannon back to strike it head-on! “There’s a Knock-Up Stream through this tunnel! We can use it to escape!”

As they sailed into the tunnel in question, Lugia used its bending to whirl the insides, spinning the tunnel like a horizontal cyclone. Haylee’s grip was firm on the wheel, keeping the ship balanced and forward. Lugia began to whip vertical strips of wind, so Haylee allowed the current to steer them leftward in evasion. Lugia began slicing from the left, so Haylee thrusted the wheel in a way that made the ship leap off the cyclone’s side. It curved flat and landed against the bottom portion. “There it is! Get ready!”

“Good, ’cause my arms are getting tired!” Tressa yelled.

The water was rising into a lump in the chamber ahead. Lugia flew ahead and attempted to blow the ship back, but Tressa mustered the strength to redirect the wind. Augustus aimed a cannon and fired, but Lugia blew the cannonball back toward them. That ball fell short and splashed in the sea, while Augustus quickly fired another to blast Lugia’s stomach. “Here we GOOOOO!” Haylee steered them onto the lump just as a terrific gush of water blasted them up through the oceanic ceiling, which itself contracted to allow the pressure through.

“WHOOOOOAAAA!”

The sea up top popped open as the Marzipans came flying out on their ship. They crashed onto the surface with a forceful, bumpy landing, all except Haylee falling over. “WE DID IIIIIT!” O-Tama cheered. “…Oooog!” She then barfed over the railing.

“Gourmerry!”

“And hey, the ocean really washed that dressing off.” Augustus smiled. “But where’s the Lugia?”

“Hopefully it got stuck down there.” Haylee said. “Let’s go before it comes back! Hurry and call the others to pick us up!”

“On it!”

“This one is definitely for the journals…” Tressa replied, clutching her stomach. “Please tell me there’s a bathroom on this thing.”

Ace Hunter

Tressa helped to wrap Augustus’s arms in bandages. “Hah…that shadow beast thingy was nothin’, but I wasn’t expecting to fight no Legendary Pokémon.”

“Makes me wish we brought Haruka with us.” Haylee said. “But I guess mildly broken arms aren’t the worst injury for a superhuman. Barely slowed Sheila down any.”

“NOOOOO!” Child Nel leapt and gripped Augustus’s chest. “Nel was lucky that other ripe girl not take Aughsucks, she no want non-ripe girl as rival!”

“Non…ripe girl?” Tressa questioned.

“It’s her way of complimenting people.”

“I see…” Tressa curiously turned to the other crewmen, seeing Rallo and Maggie chasing Suika’s melon around. “I can’t tell if this is a pirate crew or a daycare.”

“You don’t hate kids, do ya?”

“’Course not! I think it’s pretty adorable!”

“Yeah, these little tykes are my life and soul~”

“Okay, guys! The Seasonal Salad is ready!”

Yuzu entered with a bowl in hand, containing a colorful mix of the Snow-White Asparagus, Spring Cucumbers, and Summer Peppers. The scents of the three foods created a mixed cloud that dropped tiny snow and rain, with a few bursts of sun in some places. In her other hand was a plate with a pile of Autumn Chips, from purple to orange to yellow, and Tama held a small cup of salad dressing from the river. “Well, Gourmerry, you may have the honors.” said the captain.

With a smile, Gourmerry climbed up to a table where the food was placed. Augustus used a fork to stick a mixture of the produce together and feed the first bite to her. Her expression delighted, she was then fed a dressing-dipped Autumn Chip, and the process repeated as she cycled the seasons over and over. A mixture of sweet cold, wetness, spicy heat, and flavored crunchiness became a party on her little tongue. “Gourmerryyyy!”

“And there’s another meal for the menu!” Augustus declared, writing “Seasonal Salad” in the slot.

“We’re really thankful for your help, Tressa.” Yuzu said. “We’re sorry if this disrupted your business.”

“Are you kidding? This was amazing! I’m really glad I came with you guys! You mind if I stick around a little longer?”

“NO!!” Nel screamed.

“Well, Nel approves, so you can~” Augustus smirked.

“Nel not say that!”

“When you ask a ‘Do you mind’ question, ‘no’ means ‘yes.’” Stewie informed her.

“But that no make sense!!”

“Still… I can’t help but think about that ugly creature.” Tressa said. “There was just… something unusual about it, even for a monster.”

“Yeah, there was.” August replied. “I can’t say what, but… it definitely ain’t something to cook or eat.”

“Pfft, is that just the first thing that crosses your mind?” Tressa cocked a brow at the captain.

“Maybe it is~.” He returned the expression. “But if you’re really up for it, feel free to stick around. Besides, flying you back to your home might not be safe if Gourmet Corp. follows us. We’d best leave the planet for now.”

“Fair enough. My parents live in Rippletide, so they can watch the ship while I’m gone.”

“In the meantime, why don’t I give you a tour of my ship?” The captain cracked a flirting smirk. “Fancy a look at my time machine?”

“You have a time machine?!” Tressa screamed.

“And he’s stealing my credit again.” Stewie sighed.

“Captain has too many girlfriends.” Rallo shook his head.

…

Iron Mask and Skinner rode the back of Dark Lugia out of the Under Sea, watching as the Marzipans’ flagship took off into space. “That creature was a Firstborn, you say?” Skinner asked. “I wonder if the Boss would find that appetizing…”

“Then our top priority should be to seize that thing at all costs.” Mask stated. “We’re going to need more help for this job. Time for those Brotherhood transfers to pull their weight…”

So, fun fact about this setup: in the Gameverse, Vaati is voiced by Dan Green, and Vaati is also nicknamed “Red Eye.” Iron Mask is also voiced by Dan Green (in his actual movie), and in this story, he captured a beast called Redeye. XD Also, you could say Cruella ate the De Vil Fruit! XD

Chapter Text

Time to get back into Gravity Rush!

Gourmet 5: The Starmaker

New Zathura; Hekseville

The Great Void spanned hundreds of miles and was as wide as a country. There was no land either on the surface or even where the mantle would be. If one were to fall down, it would be an infinite drop, not even to wind up on the other side of the planet. Such a phenomena wasn’t unusual on the planet where Space Chi was prominent. In fact, people found they really enjoyed the atmosphere. In the very center of this chasm was the Great Pillar, a wide and towering tree-like structure that seemed to grow from the abyss.

It was on this tree that Hekseville was established. It was a peaceful, yet bustling town with towering buildings and the usual Zathurian Grav-Paths. The town was divided into four districts, connected via a railway loop and underground tunnels. Flying vehicles were also a necessity, since there was no other way on or off the pillar. The architecture felt somewhat European, and the natives spoke an alien version of French.

While the people were mostly easygoing and the town was pleasant, it was quite famous as the home of one of the world’s greatest modern heroes. The people in Vendecentre District were in awe, watching the heroine fly from building to building in a manner that resembled falling, her legs aimed in the respective directions. However, today, it seemed she was accompanied by another gravitybender, a shorter, younger girl wearing white, black, and pink armor that made her seem like an astronaut fighter.

Kat was known as the Gravity Queen, a real Zathurian superhero who fought crime whenever it sprung up. She mostly hung around in her hometown of Hekseville, but would often travel to other areas. Recently, she was featured as a special guest at a circus, and it was good for extra money.

The heroine landed against a building that provided a great view of the district, facing her apprentice with a smile once she landed with her. Kat possessed white skin with blonde hair and a black romper/playsuit with gold accessories woven around it intricately, such as a sun design over the stomach. She wore a long and flowing scarf, detached sleeves and socks with gold rings at the ends, with matching high-heels. Her legs were thicker than her arms, for her fighting style involved kicking.

“Are you sure you still need this training, Uravity? I feel like you’ve really improved on your bending.”

“Then I need more advanced training!” the younger hero fist-pumped. “I need to learn how to carry a hundred people, or pick up whole buildings, or even be able to lift the strongest people!”

“Whoa, slow down, mini hero.” Kat chuckled, waving her hands in an easing fashion. While their feet were firmly rooted to the building side, their bodies balanced, Kat’s hair and scarf hung toward the ground, toward Ochaco’s direction. “I’m glad you’re committed to your training, but I feel bad giving you lessons when you’ve already been through so much this year. Besides, what about that festival that’s happening? Aren’t your friends already there?”

“I can’t let myself fall behind. I have to be able to support Deku… I don’t wanna fail him again.” Ochaco bowed her head in shame.

“But doesn’t Deku like you as a partner?”

“I’m not a good enough partner. When he fought K. Rool, he thought that other girl was a better partner. She was so strong, and they worked so well together…”

“That’s why you need to be with him now!” Kat stated firmly.

“Huh?” She looked up, surprised by Kat’s shift in tone.

“You like Deku, and you want him to like you too, right? So, you can’t just leave him alone and let some other girl take him. Just go and be with him. What if he’s upset that you aren’t having fun with him right now? He might think you don’t really like him that much.”

“I…I guess you’re right.”

“And more than that, doesn’t Cooking Fest only happen every four years? It’d be a waste to miss all that food! I’m starving just thinking about it!”

“Heheh, then I guess I’m the one keeping you from the festival.” Ochaco scratched her head guiltily.

“Yeah, so how about we work up an appetite? Let’s make a full loop around the town this time. One continuous fall, that’ll stretch out our stomachs!”

“Okay! Let’s fall!” The girls leapt off, directed their feet toward the edge of town, and willed gravity to fall in that direction. They felt a rush of adrenaline as they flew over the endless chasm and willed their selves to fall around and along the town’s border.

“WHOA!” Kat immediately halted when bullets were fired at them. A small plane zoomed overhead and began attacking the city, along with a squad of similar planes.

Ochaco stopped beside her mentor, looking just as panicked. “Where did these planes come from?!”

“I don’t know, but I guess the festival will have to wait after all!” Kat shifted gravity toward one of the small planes, puncturing its windshield with her gold-coated heel. To her surprise, the pilot seemed to be an ordinary dog, and as the plane was spiraling into a crash, the dog launched out and pulled out a parachute. “They’re dogs?”

“That’s weird. I wonder who put them up to this?” Ochaco thought aloud as she flew to kick another plane. “My friend, Momo is here, too. I’ll call her and have her contact the GKND. These dogs have to have a mastermind somewhere!”

“Good idea! Until then, the military can help us!”

With the city officials distracted by the sudden invasion, Eustace could fly down the pillar undetected, carrying the ripped-mouth man that was Zebra on his Mechon. “Hek kek kek! They ain’t never gonna know what hit ’em! I’m gonna eat me a Calaziali, I tell ye what!”

“Watch it, old man! Here they come!” Zebra shouted. Eustace halted, seeing a swarm of large, insect-like creatures flying up from the darkness. There were red and black, blobbish insects with single, bulbous red eyes, and long pointed tails.

“Meh, so these are the big bad Nevi. They don’t scare me none!” Eustace lunged and lashed his mechanical claws across the creatures. A Nevi dodged up and tried to sting Zebra, but the man gripped its tail, yanked it over, and squeezed its eye in his hand. A Nevi resembling a leafy sea-dragon emerged from the depths, multiple eyes along its body. Zebra took a breath and bellowed a soundwave, controlling it to strike the eyes precisely.

One of the dogs in the planes was Eustace’s pink dog, his eyes curved in a worried manner under his aviator goggles. The dog glanced down at a small picture of a chubby old woman with white, fluffy hair. “The things I do for love…” Courage sighed as he withdrew a bombshell from his body and stuck it into a slot. He deposited the bombshell down to the city, resulting in an explosion of popcorn.

“Courage! That was a Popcorn Bomb! You were supposed to drop the Piesplosion Bombs! Do we have to stick the Cone of Shame on you?!” A dog with a gruffer voice contacted him through the radio.

“Owoh…” Courage moaned in dismay.

Ace Hunter

“So then, what happened to the Noah after that was all over?” Tressa asked.

“We left it in a secret, secluded place in New Galaxia.” Augustus replied with a cool smile, chilling on a couch beside the merchant. “Maybe centuries from now, explorers will stumble across it and be like, ‘Ah, so this is where Captain Augustus left his legacy.’”

“Ha ha ha! Not if I decide to look for it myself! I’ll make a fortune off that baby~”

“You don’t know the first thing about navigating New Galaxia. Not like this guy~”

“Buddy, you don’t even know how to navigate New Galag.” Haylee told him from the helm. “Neither do I, but I would do better at it than you.”

“Yeah, but I was her inspiration.”

“Hey, Captain?” They looked up to Yuzu standing in the doorway. “If you haven’t already, I was wondering if we could talk about where to go next?”

“Stewie’s looking up our next score.”

“Now I know how Lois feels when she does Chris’s project for him.” Stewie remarked, lazily skimming the computer.

“Come on, Captain! We’re supposed to be the Combo here, not you and Tressa!”

“Alright, alright. I’ll see you later, Tress.” Augustus pushed himself up and left the bridge with Yuzu.

“Heh heh…” Tressa spared a chuckle. “…?” With curiosity, she viewed up at the dome windshield, seeing Kohaku sitting along one of the sills as she gazed out into space. “Hey, you up there! Is that really comfy? How’d you even get up there?”

“Oh, do you mean me?” Kohaku looked down. “I’m just trying to get a better look at the stars.”

“Doesn’t this ship have a telescope?”

“Senku made me a telescope once. The stars were still really far away. And now that I’m floating among them… they’re still far away.”

“Ha hah! And just where are you from, anyway?”

“I’m from the Sto-…I mean, I’m from Earth.” Kohaku quickly switched to the lie that Augustus told her to say, smiling awkwardly. “I’m from a primitive region on Earth.”

“Neato! Why don’t ya come down and join me? You seem like a weird one, I like you!”

“A weird one?…” Kohaku was unsure how to interpret that.

“I mean it in a good way, just come down!”

“Okay then…” Kohaku slipped off the sill and landed on the couch.

“Whew, that outfit is wicked primitive.” Tressa looked the Historian over. “Are those shoes made of stone? I’m diggin’ what you got goin’!”

“Thanks! Yours is pretty cute, too. Where’s that feather from?” She indicated the gold feather on Tressa’s hat.

“I sort of made friends with a Gold Eagle and earned it. I found the poor thing caught in a trap, so I freed it. They’re a pretty rare species, so I imagine someone was trying to make a profit.”

“But you’re a merchant yourself, aren’t you?” Haylee asked.

“Yeah, but I’m not a rare animal poacher! There’s a limit to what I’m willing to sell. But moving on, tell me about where you’re from, Kohaku. What’re your people like?”

“We’re… no one special, really.” Kohaku blushed earnestly. “We were a small culture and there wasn’t really much to see… definitely nothing as amazing as this ship.”

“I kinda wanna check it out! Primitive cultures must have lots of antiques, right? Museums really like to preserve that stuff, so if you had any you didn’t want, anymore…”

“I’m not really sure. Are these knives antiques?” Kohaku withdrew her dual daggers.

“Oooo, yes! They’re totally old school!” Tressa took one and examined it. “Worth at least a couple thousand, how old is it?”

“I can see why Augustus picked this one up…” Haylee said.

Augustus and Yuzu walked to the playroom, where Tama and Suika were playfully running (or rolling) from Gourmerry. The spirit was munching her mouth like Pac-Man as if trying to “eat” them. “Honestly, Captain, you’ve got to stop bringing so many girls onboard the ship. We should’ve at least brought that Jak guy just to mix up the diversity.”

“The last dude I invited to the crew was a giant Kremling, and that turned me off of guys completely.”

“Ugh, let’s change the subject.” Yuzu face-palmed. “As for our next target… I was wondering if we could go to New Zathura.”

“Why, what’s on there?”

“I just wanted to check out what food they have. I met this woman named Cules a little while ago; she’s a chef, too, and she wanted to try making some Zathurian dishes. So, why not check it out? I mean, it’s not like we have to find rare ingredients for ALL the Full Course items, right?”

“No, I guess not. Alright then, New Zathura it is! How’s that sound, Gourmerry?”

“Gourmeeeeeee!” Her mouth widened with joy as she was closing in on Suika.

“Suika doesn’t wanna be eaten like fruit!” cried the melon.

“Heh, let’s tell Haylee to set a course right away.” August proceeded back to the bridge.

“Aye-aye.” Yuzu followed him. “And, seriously, if you’re gonna bring more people onboard, try not to act like Toriko. We don’t need a show-offy guy stealing attention away from the food. That type turns me off of guys, if anything…” She spoke this with a sigh.

“Please, at least I keep my crew diverse and lively. You know what I hear Toriko does? He keeps a pair of Normies with him just to make himself look cooler.”

Yuzu snorted at the thought, “True, at least your crew quips back at you.”

“Case and point~”

New Galaxia; Land of Land and Sea

At first glance, it would seem like a peaceful valley of grass, trees, and clear skies… but this would only appear in a glance before the valley would suddenly change as easily as waves on a sea. The solid hills would rise and sink, sometimes as high as mountains or as rounded bumps. However, the sky was currently clouded as huge boulders began to rain and splash into the valley in a liquid manner. Regardless, Toriko bravely jumped his way up the falling stones, shattering any that dare impede him with a hardened punch.

“You’re almost there, Toriko! You can do it!” Chef Komatsu cheered. Behind him, standing near their ship, were two ordinary-looking men in green shirts, hats, and blue overalls. They had short brown hair, blank, wide-eyed expressions, and were totally still as they watched the spectacle.

“Here it comes…” Toriko smirked confidently. Right as predicted, a whole volcano had fallen through the clouds. And right as it did, a gargantuan pelican swooped down and caught the volcano in its godly throat pouch. Toriko grabbed onto the beak and rushed up to its gigantic eyes, impaling them with his Fork technique. The continent shook as the Mountain Pelican splashed into the Landsea.

Toriko landed on his feet in a stylish manner. “You did it, Toriko! I can’t wait to see how this thing tastes!” his impish chef cheered with glee.

“Then we’d better load ’er up! Hey, Normies, strap this birdy to the ship so we can haul her back to base!” Toriko ordered the men with a twinkle in his grin.

The Normies, their bodies stagnant and their expressions normal, responded normally. “Oæp.”

Florae Galaxy; Stardust Sea

Haylee steered the Ace Hunter onto the edge of a vast, swirling vortex of pink, sparkling stars. They allowed the current of stardust to carry them to the center of the vortex, but Haylee shot lasers at any meteors floating as well. “This Stardust Sea actually has oxygen over it.” Haylee said. “You guys can climb onto the top if you want. Just don’t fall.”

The crewmates were fascinated by the premise and eagerly climbed up onto the ship’s roof. Kohaku and Suika were awestruck by the hypnotic sea of swirling stars, and the oxygen itself felt somewhat tickly and magical. “So, are stars actually liquid?” Kohaku asked. “They can be swum in as easily as water?”

“Stars are rather sporadic in what they can do.” Yuzu replied awkwardly. “Some of those stars in the distant sky are extremely far away. They’re either suns, planets, or even whole galaxies. And yet, some stars like the ones we’re sailing on are as tiny as they appear in the sky.”

“All celestial bodies are extremely abundant with Natural Chi.” Augustus explained. “Some of that chi seeps up into space like gas, mixing with the Space Chi, and taking the form of stardust like this. This dust gets mixed with different kinds of chi and is often harnessed for magic. Some planets like Mushroom have higher concentrations than others… but that’s stepping into some pretty complex territory, and I don’t wanna hurt your head explaining the science of it.”

“Actually, I would love to hear more about it!” Kohaku smiled. “Senku’s already taught me so much about science… even if I don’t fully understand everything.”

“The universe is endlessly vast, Kohaku. There’s too much to understand in one lifetime. That’s why I’m mostly in it for the lovely sights. I’m lookin’ at you, ladies~”

“…?” Tressa frowned and cocked a brow at this statement. “So, are you some kinda ‘player’? Is this why there are so many girls on this ship?”

“I was starting to wonder that myself.” Yuzu said.

“Hey, can’t I have a respect for the opposite gender?” August asked. “I like to make girls feel happy, but I ain’t gonna date just any girl I see.”

“Augsuuuuus!” As if on cue, Nel had arrived in her adult form and squeezed her captain in a hug.

“Ahhh!” Tressa was startled by her sudden arrival. “Wh-Who’s… this one…?”

“Nel Augsus’ mate.” Nel answered simply, snuggling with him. “Not-ripe girl need to find someone else.”

“Uh, heheh, Nel, can we talk inside the ship?” August slipped out of her grasp and back down the hatch. Nel followed him.

“Why did you call Captain August a player?” Suika asked. “Is it because he likes games? Suika is a player, too!”

“Captain is a different type of player.” Yuzu replied awkwardly. “…” Tama seemed to be looking down into the ship with equal curiosity. “O-Tama, can I hold Gourmerry for a minute?”

“Hai.” The ninja handed the Firstborn over.

Yuzu climbed down the windshield to sit along the front rim of the ship, resting Merry on her lap. The spirit’s young eyes were mesmerized by the swirling entrance to Zathura. “Do you like the universe so far, Gourmerry?”

“Gourmer…”

“You have such innocent eyes… no matter how many times I look, you just don’t seem like a monster. Honestly… would you really eat everything in sight if you got hungry enough? If you went even a single day without eating one bite?”

“Merry…”

Yuzu looked ahead as the center of the vortex drew nearer. “…Now that I think about it, it looks like a giant donut with lots of sprinkles. I hope you don’t decide to eat this whole thing.”

“Merry?” She cocked her head up to look into Yuzu’s upturned eyes.

“Hm hm hm! But you know, I think fasting is just as important as eating. I feel like we’ve been spoiling you ever since you were born, just because we were afraid. So, how about this: until we find the next ingredient, you can’t eat anything else. Not Tama’s dango, not a snack we pick up… I think we should practice restraint with you.”

“Gour…” Merry’s eyes half-closed in a hesitant manner.

“There are all kinds of things that make food tastier: eating with friends, the work you put in to make or retrieve your meal, and the hunger that builds up in-between meals! So, let’s practice fasting, wanna? I’ll tell the captain, too.”

“Gourmerry…” She sighed in compliance.

…

“But seriously, Kohaku, does he just treat all girls that way?” Tressa asked. “Why did you decide to join him, anyway?”

“Because I wasn’t able to leave my home on my own, so we got him to help. As for the first question… he certainly is the flattering type.” Kohaku narrowed her eyes in disbelief. “But he’s wasting his time because there’s someone else I’ve sworn loyalty to.”

“And I’m guessing that’s tribal talk for ‘I’m head over heels’?”

“What does that mean?” Kohaku cocked a brow at the weird expression. I mean, of course her head was over her heels.

“It means you’re in love with someone~. Is it that Senku guy you mentioned earlier?”

“Love? …Senku?”

“Hey, gang, we’re about to enter the portal!” Haylee called up. “You should probably climb in, just to be safe!”

“Let’s go, Merry-chan.” Yuzu climbed back up the windshield and dropped down into an open window pane, the others joining her back into the bridge.

“Sorry about that.” Augustus walked in. “Had to, uh…ask Nel to tone it down a bit.”

“Nel already know she can’t be with Augsus…” The cavechild whimpered in the doorway. “But Nel can still pretend…”

Once the vessel finally crossed the rim of the portal, they descended down a circular waterfall. They flew at high speed as Planet Zathura grew wider in their view, floating within this lonesome sub-dimension. “Good to be back again.” Haylee smiled. “So, gang, where should we land?”

“Heeeeellllp!” It was then they saw a man zooming around on jetpacks and a space helmet. He had brown hair, a small beard, and a green jacket over a gray shirt.

“Hey, it’s Exposition Guy!” Haylee recognized. “I haven’t seen him since… When did we last see him?”

“Help! The city of Hekseville is under attack by flying dogs! Wait, you guys are a GKND station, right?”

“Not necessarily.” August replied.

“Darn. I’m too used to looking for the police station. Heeeeelllp!” And he zoomed away in panic.

“Flying dogs?” Haylee thought aloud. “That… sort of reminds me of what happened on Mira.”

“And it sounds like there’re operatives on the planet.” Yuzu said.

“Zathura doesn’t really have a KND, yet, so the GKND can’t establish good communications with the planet; especially when you factor in where this place is. Maybe they’re using that guy as a messenger.”

“We’ll leave him to his duty.” August whipped out his next lollipop. “For now, it looks like we have a date with Gourmet Corp..”

“I’m bringing up the map.” Haylee displayed the digital map. “It looks like Hekseville is… in the middle of that big empty spot. Heh, reminds me of Nowhere, Kansas.”

The closer they flew to the location in question, the more ominous the Great Void became. It felt much less pretty than the sparkly entrance to Zathura, an abyss of darkness with no return. They were drawn toward the towering structure that rose from the abyss, and the town built on top of it. There appeared to be small planes flying around and blasting the town. “Let’s park the ship here and head into the biplanes.” August said. “Tama, you’re with me, and Maggie can ride with Haylee. The rest of you head into town and check the situation there. If Gourmet Corp. is here, that means a rare ingredient can’t be far!”

“Oh, so we’re not worried about the townspeople?” Yuzu asked rhetorically.

Both pilots boarded their planes and flew to begin shooting down the dogs. “Mw-mw-mw-mw!” Maggie alerted Haylee to something behind them.

“Something wrong, Mags?” Haylee glanced back. “Whoa!” There appeared to be a swarm of flying squid creatures made of black and red goop. Maggie bombarded the creatures with bullets, but they survived as one flew up and squeezed their plane in its tentacles. “What’re these ugly things?!” Haylee shouted as she tried to barrel-roll.

A squid attached itself to August’s plane as well. “Tama, can you feed them?!”

“I doth not know wherein the mouth lies! And I doth not welcome their limbs!” She ducked into her seat.

“HYAH!” A Zathurian woman flew up and STAMPED the heel of her shoe into the beast’s eye, shoving it off the plane as it splattered into gooey mist. “Are you guys from the KND?” the heroine asked, landing on the front wing.

“Hoo, baby!” Augustus perked up at the red-eyed, monochrome woman. “That squid’s eye wasn’t the only one that exploded! Who’re you, cutie?”

“I’m Kat, and, uh… thanks?” Kat hadn’t expected him to be so quick with flirting. “Anyway, if you’re here to help, it’s much appreciated.” She flew off to kick another squid.

“YAH!” Uravity was next to stomp off the squid on Haylee’s plane. “You sure got here quickly! I’m Uravity of Superbia Sector U.A.!”

“Haylee Gilligan, Earth Sector V!”

“Cool! Wuh-oh!” A dogplane was flying toward them and shooting, so Ochaco fell in its direction and STOMPED through the windshield. Maggie fixed her rifle together and shot the eyes of the pursuing squids. “Those monsters are called Nevi. They’re monsters born from condensed Gravity Chi.” Ochaco explained. “Kat says they’re common around here, but we don’t know where these dogs came from!”

“I fought with these dogs before.” Haylee replied. “Their master is some old guy.”

“Are you talking about ME, Gilligan?!” The girls whipped toward the right, spotting a larger plane incoming. Haylee recognized the plane and its pilot from Mira.

“Yep, that’s the one! I’m surprised you heard me that far away!”

“Yes, well I have a VERY good hearing aid! Though it’s about time I turn it down.” Muntz did so before shooting bullets at Haylee, who deflected them with barrel-rolls. Uravity fell toward Muntz in attempt to kick, but he deflected the gravitybender away as well.

Tama loaded dangos into a slot on the Ace Flyer. After launching them out, parachutes stretched out to help the dangos float. “Ooo, what is that tasty treat?” one of the dogs asked as it flew to catch the dango in its ship. The dog happily chewed the treat and perked up in joy. “Who is the creator of this marvelous confection?!”

“I am!” Tama shouted. “Take down thine fellow canines!”

“As you command, Master!” He and two other dogs began shooting down their allies.

“Curses!” yelled Alpha, the black- and brown-furred commanding dog. “Dogs, don’t eat those treats! They contain some kind of poison! Courage, hit that plane with a missile now!”

“Gulp…” The cowardly pink dog pulled a colorful missile from his “pouch,” stuck it in a slot, and locked onto August’s plane. The missile cut through the air with a flashy streak and exploded into a firework before reaching the plane.

“Courage, this is your last warning!” Alpha shouted. “Either you kill someone in the next five seconds or you’re getting MORE than a Cone of Shame!”

“Woh-woh-woh…” Courage moaned, hesitantly loading a real missile into the slot. His finger vibrated with anxiety over the trigger as it was locked onto the Marzipan captain.

THUMP! Kat landed on Courage’s plane. “WAAAAAHH!” cried the puppy as his teeth seemed to fly out of his stretched mouth.

“It’s time to put this puppy…huh?” Kat was about to punch through the windshield, but stopped herself. “Wait… are you a Pocket Pooch?!” she asked with an adoring smile.

“Owoh?”

“Aww, I’ve always wanted a Pocket Pooch! They’re so nice and they can store so much stuff! What’re you doing working for these bad guys, little guy?” She squatted down in a typical manner, acting as if she were simply at the park and not on a flying plane.

“(W-Well, I…)” Courage scratched his head sheepishly. “…!” He gasped at seeing a missile flying from behind Kat. “ABA-BA-BA-BA! AB! ABA-BA-BA-BA!” He shook and pointed in a frantic manner.

Kat simply looked back calmly and saw the projectile. She dropped down, grabbed the ship, and increased gravity to tug it down and evade the missile. She glared at the plane responsible, flying overhead. Kat leapt up and channeled gravity to fall toward that plane.

“You’ve failed us for the last time, Courage!” Alpha stated, dropping exploding treats back at Kat. The heroine swiftly evaded the obstacles and caught up to the plane.

“You’re a bad DOGGY!” With a piercing kick to the engine, Alpha’s plane spun out of control and fell over the edge of town.

Haylee performed a somersault to go over Muntz, shooting directly down, but Muntz steered tight to the left. Haylee flew behind him as Muntz dropped bombs backward, but the girl shot them down before they could reach. “I’ll never forgive you Gilligans! Not after what you did!”

“What we did?” Haylee repeated. “Does this villain have a surprising connection to my family??”

“It were fifty-some years ago! I was all set to capture the Monster of Paradise Falls and deliver it to the World Government for their Exotic Animal Diner! But that little brat, Hogarth attacked my ship with his puny amateur plane and caused the monster to escape! All because he thought I was trafficking kids!”

“Fifty years?” Haylee said. “Then… it was something my grandpa did.”

“I lived in disgrace because of you! And if that wasn’t enough, you even had the gall to assault my cousin, Washer!”

“Slow down, I can’t keep up with all these revelations!”

“I won’t let you disgrace me again! Today,” he set the plane to autopilot, “I take you DOWN!” Muntz instantly morphed into a monochrome peacock and leapt out of the plane. Haylee nearly jumped out of her seat when he suddenly landed on the plane. Maggie scrambled to twist around and shoot him, but Muntz had already grabbed Haylee in his talons and yanked her out of the seat, flying to slam her onto a rooftop. Maggie hurriedly climbed into the pilot’s seat to switch on auto.

Muntz’s talons seemed to glow as the color was sapped from Haylee. Luckily, Maggie was able to land a shot to his back, allowing Haylee to escape and leap to her feet, her chest area now monochrome. She grabbed her wrench and bashed Muntz, who worked to defend with tail feathers. He absorbed color from the rooftop as his own body became those colors, and once full, he FLASHED them at Haylee to stun her. She got her own color back, but Muntz then grabbed her legs to drain and make them monochrome.

“Agh!” A trashcan hit Muntz’s head. He turned to where it came from, but was surprised to see a swarm of floating cans and other objects, gravitating around Ochaco. The U.A. hero willed the objects to fall toward Muntz, the peacock dodging as he glided through them. Uravity grew fearful as the villain was nearing, and Muntz drew out a hunting rifle as soon as he was on her roof.

But the rifle was cleaved in two by Kohaku’s katana. The primitive hunter sliced at Muntz’s neck, but he backed his head away and quickly flew to a further roof. Kohaku glared at him with fierce eyes with Ochaco at her back. “And heeeere’s TRESSA!” Muntz about-faced once more as Tressa tried to spin him in a whirlwind… only for the wind to appear rather small as Muntz was barely moved. “Uh…it’s supposed to be bigger than that?”

“An airbender? Heh.” Muntz smirked. “Zathura may have oxygen, but its Space Chi still hinders the use of Air Chi. OW!”

He was immediately stamped in the back with the combined heels of Ochaco and Kohaku. He reacted to recover and flew away, glaring back at the girls. “So, this is what low gravity feels like.” Kohaku smirked, swinging her legs in the weightlessness. “I like it~”

“There’s too many of you brats around now. I’ll have to come back later.” Muntz proceeded to glide toward the edge of town, his plane flying to retrieve him.

“Nngh…ugh…” Haylee’s legs felt incredibly heavy, unable to budge them an inch as she was forced to crawl on her arms. She was relieved when Kohaku’s stone sandals landed before her, looking up at the Historian with a smile. “Hehe…this is embarrassing.”

“I’ll help.” Kohaku bent down and lifted Haylee onto her back, sharing a smile with her new friend.

“Thanks!”

With the dogplanes clearing the area, the crew regrouped with Yuzu and Gourmerry on a street. “It doesn’t seem like anyone was hurt too badly. I’m glad we came when we did.”

“Yeah, we really owe you guys a ton.” They looked up as Kat descended to the ground, holding Courage in her arms.

“It was our pleasure! Who are you, Miss?” Yuzu asked.

“They call me the Gravity Queen, but just call me Kat. I’m sort of a superhero.” She grinned modestly. “So, you guys are KND, right?”

“And here we go again.” With that, Augustus proceeded to explain the story.

“Okay, I think I got the idea…” Kat said. “It’s funny ’cause we were just talking about that festival!”

“We didn’t really have any objectives in mind when we came here.” Augustus continued. “But we heard there was a distress, so we came to look. Gourmet Corp. could only be here if there’s a rare ingredient nearby… I don’t suppose you would know about it?”

“Honestly… nothing really comes to mind. But maybe this little guy would know.” Kat looked down to Courage.

“That dog?” Ochaco asked.

“I just rescued him from one of the planes. I don’t think he’s like the other dogs. Actually, I know he’s not. This dog is a Pocket Pooch! He’s a Zathurian dog that can store a large amount of items in his spatial body!”

“Woo-woo?” Courage questioned.

“But all those other dogs looked like normal ones, like from Earth.” August said.

“Yeah, it sure raises some questions… but before that, would you be willing to tell us what you all were doing here?”

Courage hopped onto the ground. “Ah-blu-blu-blu, SQUOOOOO,” Courage made a realistic impression of a squid, “uh-blu-blu, hek kek kek kek!” Then he impersonated Eustace, big chin and all, “blu-blu-buu, WHIIIRRR!” Then he imitated a demon of some sort.

“Uh…I’m having trouble following.” Kat said.

Courage sighed and decided to scamper away, leading the group to the edge of town. “Hmm! Mmm! Mmm!” Courage pointed downward.

“Down… there? …Wait, are you saying some people are heading to the Zathura Core?”

“The core?” Yuzu asked.

“There’s a portal near the roots of the Great Pillar that lead close to the core of the planet.”

“Then there’s a rare ingredient somewhere by the core.”

“The…the only thing I can imagine would be the…”

“Would be the…?” Augustus cocked a brow.

“…” Kat faced back at the group with determined eyes. “If you guys are going down there to stop them, I’m going with you.”

“But what’s down there?” Yuzu asked.

“I only know about it from legend… but if that legend is true, there could be an ancient and dangerous creature down there.”

“Sounds mighty tasty.” August licked his lips.

“It’s not a creature you should eat!” Kat stated. “Let’s hurry and stop them. I’ll explain more on the way. Uravity, do you think you could stay here in case more enemies show up?”

“Of course I will.”

“You guys stay behind, too.” August ordered. “I’ll only be taking Yuzu, Tama, and Merry. Protect Haylee for me.”

“Aye-aye, Captain.” Tressa nodded.

“So… are we ready to go?” Kat expanded a gravity field to catch the chosen group. She steered them all to fly down into the abyss.

“Hmm…I actually thought he liked me, but I guess he just kinda flirts with everyone.” Tressa said to herself.

“Huh?” Haylee asked.

“Uh, sorry. Just talking to myself!” Tressa laughed. “Anyway, let’s go see if everyone’s alright. Maybe there will be a few goods to pick up!” She jogged off eagerly. Haylee and Kohaku shared a curious glance at her quiet statement.