Chapter Text
Humans can’t live alone, they need to live in a community to survive and be sane. But, human has the weirdest way to form a relationship with each other compared to other living beings. They differentiate from family, friendship, lover, acquittance, coworker, and more. There are tons of different kinds of human relationships with each other.
And some people struggle to form the most basic relationship.
Not even when that someone is a celebrity.
Yesung, one of the members of the idol group named Super Junior, does have some problems forming a basic relationships with other people, not that he will ever admit it openly to anyone. It is kind of funny, people would think that being a celebrity will be a privilege to make connections with a lot of people.
But connections can be negative as well, like haters or sasaeng.
That is what happened to him. But haters on the internet would be a bit better than this.
Yesung’s slim fingers are scrolling on the screen of his smartphone. He knows that he needs to stop rereading this, but he just can’t-
A few days ago, one of his classmates from his middle school sent him a bunch of screenshots of a group chat. Apparently, there is a group chat for the alumnus of his middle school, Yesung never bothered to join that kind of group chat. So, to find a bunch of screenshots where his former classmates were shit talking of him behind his back—
He doesn’t even know how to react to the classmate who informed him about this. He just replied with ‘fuck them’ and not even bothered to say thanks for telling him about this.
Yesung closes his eyes as he puts his phone away. He really needs to stop rereading that screenshot, it only makes his mood worsen.
“We have arrived,” his manager informs him.
Yesung just nods. Right, he still needs to work. He needs to focus on his job, let’s forget that bunch of shitheads who obviously bashing him because they envy him.
But as Yesung enters the station tv building, the chats keep popping up in his head.
[You remember that one of our classmates that became an idol? That Kim Jongwoon. I recently watched tv, he is still the same loser as he was in the past.]
[Yeah, he is being bullied by his idol members, it is so pathetic to watch. It hurts my eyes.]
[I can’t even understand why he can become a celebrity.]
[People love to see pathetic people get bullied, that’s why. LOL]
[He isn’t even funny, and he keeps cursing at the tv. He never changes.]
[I know, he has that funny reaction when you tease him. We teased him a lot! Until he cried! Remember that one?]
[I remember, LOL, that was sooo funny! Can’t believe that sucker is a celebrity now.]
[He was so pathetic. He hated us, but he stuck with us because he has no other friends! I think he is still the same now, LOL. I kind of pity him, but he kept getting bullied wherever he goes is so funny. LMAO]
Yesung shakes his head.
Those shitheads, if only Yesung can blow their heads without fearing punishment, he will. They are the losers for bad-mouthing him just because they envy him. As if they are doing better than him now, so laughable.
“Yesung-hyung, your face is so scary.”
Yesung sighs as he closes his eyes. He is in the fitting room now, getting dressed up for the upcoming live performance with the other members. His frenemy is there, Eunhyuk. This particular younger member who loves to tease him relentlessly for years. Their fans even call him Jerry while Yesung is Tom.
But Yesung isn’t really in the mood to respond to Eunhyuk’s jabbing. Not only they are going to have a live performance tonight, but there will be a variety show before that as well. The agency is pushing them to promote their single so hard, they have been appearing in variety shows more often these days.
They aren’t even entertainers for fuck’s sake.
“Hyung, you are wearing too many accessories again.”
Eunhyuk doesn’t like to be ignored, Yesung knows that. He doesn’t tease him as hard when there is no camera around, but Eunhyuk still likes to rile him up every now and then. Probably he thinks it is his way to lighten up the mood.
“Eunhyuk,” Yesung is talking with his serious tone then he sighs. He hates to admit this. “I’m not really in a good condition today, can you tone down your teasing?”
Seriously, Yesung is reserving his energy for the live performance, not for the variety show. He is a singer first before he is an entertainer. He knows that some of their members love to appear in variety shows, and Yesung loves it too. But not now, Yesung isn’t in the mood to be funny.
Nor to be teased.
He just wants to go up onto the stage, singing then go back home.
Eunhyuk gives him a look as if the younger member is analyzing Yesung’s mood. “I will see what I can do.”
Yesung almost wants to beg Eunhyuk to cut him some slack tonight. The word ‘please’ is on the edge of his tongue, but he can’t let it out. If Yesung is being pathetic in front of this Jerry, it will backfire sooner or later. It will add more ammo for Eunhyuk to tease him more later. So, Yesung stops himself.
He just hopes that Eunhyuk is old enough to be more understanding.
But, maybe it is also Yesung’s fault to put his hope too much on his frenemy. Because obviously, Eunhyuk can’t help himself. He is Jerry no. 1 after all.
0o0o0o0
Super Junior is a crazy idol group. Their fans, ELF, know that. The other people know that. Everyone knows that.
It feels like a dystopia because, from all of the things that Super Junior can do, people love to see them fight. Then again, human loves to watch any kind of fight, whether it is a sport or in drama, or in reality. Yesung knows that their fans think that the fact that they can fight, means they are close.
But seriously, it is fucked up, if he thinks about it again.
Yesung is determined to just stay out in this variety show.
Though this variety show concept is the least difficult of other variety show he has appeared on. This one is simply showing their, albeit fake, daily life as celebrities.
But, Yesung’s mood is messed up and his energy is low. He is fine even if the editor cuts out his screen time later. He will just leave the talking and the fun part to the talker of the group. Leeteuk, Heechul, Shindong, and Eunhyuk can entertain the viewers, the rest of the group just needs to take it easy. Even Kyuhyun is strangely silent today.
But of course, there is no variety show where Eunhyuk doesn’t tease Yesung.
Tom and Jerry, people love their fight after all.
“By the way, Yesung-hyung, I have watched your new MV. That’s really… a definition of being emo. Aren’t you too old for that?” Eunhyuk is showing his famous grin and all people can see his gums.
Yesung lifts one of his eyebrows because his MV has come out months ago. Why bother to bring it up now? They are promoting their group’s new single, not Yesung’s solo single.
“You only watched it now?” Yesung retorts back, finally, he talks after being silent after the camera is on. This isn’t in the script, but of course, the members never follow any variety show script anyway. It isn’t weird for them to get derailed and turn everything into chaos.
“I just rewatched it recently,” Eunhyuk corrects himself. “Seriously, you were so emo in there. It gave me goosebumps.” Eunhyuk makes a fake shivering gesture. Eunhyuk is so good at variety show now, because his comment is kind of ambiguous. Depending on how people interpret it, it can have a different meaning. But, Yesung knows that Eunhyuk is teasing him now, he means it in a bad way. That shithead is trying to rile him up to make a funny scene for the variety show.
That fucker…
And of course, when Eunhyuk is starting to tease him again, the others naturally join in. “I agree with you. Only Yesung-hyung can pull that kind of thing now,” Kyuhyun follows up, finally speaking up as well.
“With all-black costumes, with black hair, with dark eye shadows, then he was singing like this…” Eunhyuk is imitating him, singing with Yesung-style in a mocking manner. Just like how he always did. He is the one who starts the trend anyway, the others picked it up because of him.
The other members are cracking up, including the staff behind the camera.
Yesung can feel how his blood starts to boil, but he tries to hold down everything. This is the same routine, their usual banter. But, it is especially hard for him tonight.
“That is so old-school… The worst…” Kyuhyun shows his displeased expression, as expected from Jerry no 2.
“You guys seriously…” Hechuul speaks up, then he turns to Yesung. “Even if you hit them now, it will be considered as self-defense, Yesung. You are such a saint to endure all their mean teasing, I would already turn into a gangster if I were you.”
Yesung huffs, he tries to calm down his raging heart.
This is his role in this group after all.
He is their punching bag.
He never agrees to that, but it becomes his role anyway. And while all the members can be savage, and they take turns targeting each other, their favorite target is Yesung. Maybe because it is fun to see his reaction.
Or maybe because it is easy to forgive them.
Yesung doesn’t know.
“That is what is amazing, Heechul-hyung. To think Yesung-hyung can endure all of this, somehow, he is still preserving in this crazy group with these shameless younger members,” Ryeowook adds more teasing.
“He is the best punching bag,” Dong Hae says with a quiet comment as if he is only saying the fact.
“Hey, please see yourself! You two are included!” Shindong shouts. Ryeowook just laughs slyly, pretending to be sweet but with a sadistic look. Dong Hae only blinks with a genuinely confused face.
Siwon is laughing hard with his Hollywood reaction.
While Leeteuk has this resigned expression on his face because obviously, they have derailed the script, again.
No one notices that Yesung’s chest is boiling hard. His knuckles are so white, and he is trying his best to hold in.
“That is because Yesung-hyung can’t survive without us in this crazy world, right, Yesung-hyung-“
Something is breaking inside Yesung.
“FUCKING STOP IT!”
The next time he knows, he is already kicking the table in front of them.
It is a collapsible table, so it rattles very loudly, almost falling over.
Everyone freezes as if the time stops, all of them, including the variety show staff behind the camera and their managers on the corner.
Yesung is breathing hard.
And he notices how his vision becomes glassy.
“Fuck it.” He curses again before he turns away and walks out of the room in anger. His eyes are burning, there is no chance he will cry again in front of the members and the camera. So, he needs to escape fast.
He is panting while his chest feels so tight.
How dare him… how dare them…
Yesung is walking fast and finally, he manages to reach the bathroom. He enters one of the empty stalls, locks the door, and breathes out.
“Fuck them, fuck everything!” He curses hoarsely while breathing hard.
Finally, hot tears start to fall from his eyes despite his best trying to hold them off. His makeup is ruined now.
Everything is ruined now.
Yesung closes the lid of the toilet and sits there. He rubs his hair in frustration while tears keep falling from his eyes.
Did they really need to say all those mean words without consulting him first?
Wasn’t that too much? They obviously have crossed the line there. They mocked his solo work, his hard work, his style, and then that fucker dared to say that Yesung can’t survive without them?
Yesung can’t believe it, he lets out scorn in a sarcastic manner while tears flow from his eyes.
Yes, of course, he knows better than anyone.
Obviously, he can’t survive in this competitive and toxic celebrity world without the other members. That’s why he endures being their punching bag for so long.
For years.
Did they think that they can keep jabbing him and he wouldn’t feel anything?
Yesung lets out a long sigh as he looks up to the ceiling.
The realization starts to settle in.
Fuck it, he ruined everything.
He was on the edge all day, and everyone pushed him too far. He exploded like that was nothing new, but he wonders if all of them could see his teary eyes. Probably they could. And on top of that, he stormed off from the room as well.
Everything was on camera.
Yesung groans as he closes his eyes.
This isn’t good.
He is still very much hurt by his members' remarks.
But, he did it in front of a camera. In front of a variety show staff who isn’t from SM agency.
He totally fucked it. Damn it.
One small part of him saying that he needs to do whatever he can to do damage control. Pretending that everything is only a joke, pretending to be okay and come out with a smile, anything-
But Yesung’s hand feels powerless. He can’t open the bathroom door.
Because the image of the members teasing him from tearing up appears in his mind.
If he comes out and tries to resolve it now.
For sure they will mock him relentlessly to make up all of the drama, for the sake of the fun of a variety show. They will tease him for crying, blame him for being so sensitive, and spewing bullshits as excuses.
And Yesung will need to endure all of that, again.
After all, as a punching bag, he needs to endure all of that.
If he doesn’t endure that, then all of that teasing and mocking will turn up as…
Bullying him.
“I can’t…” Yesung lets out a few tears again.
He can’t, he really can’t.
Not today, not tonight. He can’t endure all their mean teasing. His chest hurt so bad, and he can’t control his emotions at all. Yesung doesn’t want to cry in front of the camera, not again. He doesn’t want to risk the members teasing him for crying, again.
Not again.
It just hurts so much. And it hurts worse when they tease him for tearing up, to not being able to endure their teasing in a funny way.
To take their teasing seriously. For being overly sensitive.
Yesung huffs.
He is too old for this, for throwing tantrums. This is part of his job, to be the punching bag of the group.
He is pathetic for losing control of his emotions.
He needs to be more professional about this.
Yesung wipes his tears with toilet paper. Then he braces himself to go out of the bathroom. He can’t run away from this, he needs to face the problem like a proper adult.
Yesung is a bit surprised to see managers standing in front of his bathroom stall. Yesung’s personal manager and the Super Junior manager. They look concerned and Yesung can’t really say anything.
“I told them to give you a space to be alone,” the older manager says. He looks troubled, but he still has a professional look on his face. “Are you okay, Yesung-ssi?”
Oh… good… Yesung feels relieved that he doesn’t need to face the members right away.
“I will manage…” Yesung replies. “About the variety show…”
“I know, I already talked to the director. They will manage with what they have, I will make sure of it. The agency will take care of this,” the older manager says again.
Yesung wants to let out a sarcastic laugh. Yeah, his scary overpowering agency. He believes his agency can do a very throughout damage control better than any other agency out there. It is good to hear that, at least one of his concerns is resolved now.
“Do you think you can still do the live performance, Yesung-ssi?” his manager asks rather timidly.
If Yesung thinks about it again, the managers are being considered to him now. No one asked Yesung to straighten everything out right away. It is as if they can understand why Yesung has an outburst.
They are being more understanding than the members, really. Yesung appreciates it so much. It is rare when people treat him with care like this, it almost makes Yesung want to tear up again.
He is used to people keep pushing him around or being harsh to him.
“I will do the live performance,” Yesung says.
For his fans, he needs to do this. He can’t let his personal problem interfere with his job.
“But I don’t want to talk to the members yet,” Yesung quickly adds.
Yesung has no energy to talk to them. To his loved yet detestable Super Junior members. He just can’t. He doesn’t want to, not when too many eyes are watching them, not when too many cameras are around.
“I understand. Then you need to get your makeup to get fixed fast, wait here.” The manager of Super Junior walks out of the restroom.
The rest of the night is passing like a blur. It is Yesung’s first time being very grateful to the managers. They manage to make space for Yesung to be alone, to get his makeup fixed, though Yesung needs to cover his bloodshot eyes with colored sunglasses. Not a single member approaches him and Yesung is glad for that.
Even before they step onto the stage, Yesung is only focusing on the song he is going to sing, his part, then to the audience and he thinks about his fans. Everything else doesn’t matter. He is a professional singer. He can do this.
And thanks god that it is a ballad song, so he just needs to stand on the stage and sing.
Yesung is ignoring the members who keep stealing a glance at him but leaving him alone.
Yesung is the type who gets lonely easily but for tonight.
It is better to be alone.
Actually, it feels good to be alone.
Yesung wants to take a break from being a punching bag for now.
0o0o0o0
“As expected from SM…” Yesung mumbles absent-mindedly. No news about his outburst last night, there is nothing mentioned about that. The fans don’t know as well, no one posted anything about it on the internet. Yesung throws his phone back onto the bed while he rolls and lies on his side.
It is good to block the members’ numbers for once.
It is better to do that.
Rather than being annoyed to get contacted by them.
Or even worse, when they don’t bother to contact him at all.
They did make a group chat without him, Yesung knows that. And Yesung respects their boundaries. Even though it stings his heart every now and then.
So, Yesung can do the same. It is better to block everyone’s numbers so he won’t know whether anyone will contact him or not.
It is better that way.
After all, they are too old for this kind of drama now. They aren’t young and new idols, and yet here he is, having an outburst like a youngster.
They might think that Yesung was overreacting now. That he is just being whiny and making a fuss.
Yesung huffs then he hears his phone ring.
He groans when he reads a chat that his Super Junior manager wants to meet with him in the agency. There is something foreboding about this. But Yesung has half expected it, there is no way he could get away unscathed after making a scene like that.
So, he begrudgingly dresses up and gets picked by his personal timid manager.
His timid manager doesn’t say anything in the car and for this once, Yesung doesn’t bother to do the talking. It is good that there is no job for him to do because his mood is still down. If something pushes him to the edge, Yesung might crack.
Again.
When he arrives at the agency building, Yesung just goes straight into the room where he is supposed to meet the manager. He isn’t even wearing any makeup and he covers his face with a cap, a mask, and colored sunglasses. He doesn’t want to deal with anyone else today.
“So, Yesung-ssi… Sorry to call you here when you have no job today.”
“You can skip out the formality,” Yesung cuts the manager. He is being harsh, he knows. But, he doesn’t care.
“Okay, let’s just get to the point.” His manager hands him a folder. Yesung opens it and he wants to laugh when he sees his contract with the agency. “You know the drill,” the manager says.
Yeah, Yesung knows.
Every time there is some friction arising in the group, the agency will call the member and remind them about the contract. It happened a lot in the past.
“Just for reminding you,” the manager of Super Junior is older than any of them and he has been with the group the longest. He doesn’t look thrilled either about doing this. It isn’t Yesung’s first time getting reminded about the contract, but it has been a while.
It has been years.
It feels a bit funny if he thinks about it again. “Do you expect me to leave Super Junior after making a scene like that?” Yesung asks.
The man across from him shows a poker face. And Yesung respects him for that. As expected from a man who manages the crazy Super Junior for more than a decade.
Yesung flips the contract, he knows the content since he has the copy himself. But to read this again…
It feels subtly threatening.
It feels like this contract is a shackle to tie him down.
“It is okay, I don’t intend to leave the group anyway,” Yesung closes the folder and gives it back.
“I’m glad to hear that,” the Super Junior manager looks relieved.
“But…I do want to work alone for a while, that’s okay right?” Yesung asks. Super Junior is already an old idol group, they aren’t as famous as they used to be. They rarely work together now unless when they are doing concerts or promoting their songs. They can go months without seeing each other.
So, it won’t be hard for Yesung to focus on his solo career for now. The group’s single promotion is coming to end too.
“That’s alright, we can do that,” the manager agrees albeit he doesn’t look happy. “You… do need to make up with the members sooner or later,” he reminds Yesung carefully.
“I know, but I just need time to be alone now,” Yesung isn’t a child. He knows that he can’t avoid the members forever. But he just wants to be alone now.
Being lonely is hard.
But being with them hurts more.
Yesung excuses himself from the room. He is glad that no one bothering him in this building full of so many celebrities.
He is tired and he just wants to go home.
But Yesung curses his luck when his elevator opens, he sees the leader of his group standing there.
Leeteuk looks as surprised as him.
Yesung turns at his timid manager at his side, but he shakes his head.
“No, no, I don’t know you will be here either. I just finished a meeting about my new meal kit,” Leeteuk quickly explains himself after he gets into the elevator together with his own manager.
It feels awkward inside the elevator, Yesung can tell. The managers look as if they are suffocating.
“So… how are you?” And of course, the talkative Leeteuk won’t leave Yesung alone.
“I will live,” Yesung answers in a sarcastic manner.
“Good, nothing better than being healthy and alive,” Leeteuk responds with fake enthusiasm. As expected from someone who has MC-ing disease.
When their elevator arrives at the parking lot, Yesung is more than ready to get away.
“Yesung.”
But of course, he can’t dodge Leeteuk.
Yesung looks at the older member of the group. Leeteuk has this solemn and serious expression on his face.
“You don’t have any job today, right?” Leeteuk confirms it first. “It has been a while since I come to your café. Let’s have a talk there, both of us.”
Yesung sighs but he doesn’t fight back.
Because there is no way he can win against Leeteuk anyway.
0o0o0o0
They are on the rooftop of the café where they can be alone. The weather is quite nice today, unlike how Yesung feels inside. The owner of the café feels awkward sitting on the chair across from Leeteuk.
He feels that a scolding is coming his way.
Leeteuk might look like a pushover on camera. But he can be scary and strict when he is angry.
“About what happened yesterday… can you explain what exactly happened?” Leeteuk asks, breaking the suffocating silence. He looks serious and somewhat concerned.
Yesung knows, Leeteuk is the sole reason why Super Junior manages to survive this far. The leader is trying hard to preserve the group as best as he can. So, Leeteuk is sensitive to this kind of matter. They might fight a lot in the past, but as they get older, they rarely fight this big.
Yesung takes off his mask, but not his sunglass and cap.
“I already told Eunhyuk that I didn’t feel well last night,” Yesung explains with a resigned manner. Some part of him knows that he will get scolded either way. After all, Leeteuk favors Eunhyuk more than any other team member. He will scold Yesung, not Eunhyuk, even without checking the truth first usually.
So, the fact that Leeteuk is doing this… Yesung feels that he just done a big mistake.
He messed up really badly if Leeteuk act like this. Damn it.
“I asked him to tone down the teasing… but well…” Yesung trails off. Leeteuk knows the rest, after all, he was there with them.
“Yeah, but it is surprising to see you… reacting that way… We are all confused,” Leeteuk swipes his bangs with a frown. “I mean, I know that the kids were being rough on you. But, you also know that they never mean bad about it.”
“I know…” Yesung mumbles.
He knows, he knows it better than anyone.
“Then why?” Leeteuk asks again.
Yesung looks in other directions but Leeteuk.
“It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.” He finally says it. It is hard for Yesung to say something like this, so openly. But, it seems there is no other way to fool Leeteuk so he just needs to be frontal about it.
Leeteuk looks speechless with his answer. So, Yesung continues. “I know, we are all close so we can tease each other like that. But, because we are close… sometimes it hurts even more.” Yesung’s eyes are solemn behind the sunglasses.
Because they are close, they exactly know what hurts the most. How to hurt him, what hurt him, they know that.
“I felt… betrayed…” Yesung talks again. “Maybe Eunhyuk didn’t believe me, but I was serious about my condition wasn’t good… I even asked for him to tone down the teasing…” Yesung pauses as he licks his dry lips. But he can’t drink his coffee, if he drinks then all of the words he wants to say will be swallowed. “Is it because I’m whiny… so he didn’t believe me?” Yesung asks that more to himself than to Leeteuk.
Yesung knows that people like to call him whiny. Yesung whines about many things, sometimes even venting to other people for hours on phone. He can complain about anything, about everything.
But he wasn’t being whiny last night, he was serious. And it seemed Eunhyuk didn’t take him seriously.
Leeteuk nods. “Because the camera too…” He sighs. “You know, we are always being pressured to be funny in a variety of shows. That’s why the kids did that. Please don’t take it to heart, they just joked around.”
“I know, Teuk-hyung. Do you think I don’t know about that?” Yesung sighs again. “I know they were just trying to be funny. They want me to get more screen time. And that kind of bullshits…” Yesung pauses as he controls his breathing. He starts to get worked up.
“I know that I don’t have anything else besides being the punching bag, I know that.”
Yesung knows that.
“I’m not funny and I don’t have any special talent, so I can only be a punching bag in the variety show. I know that.” Yesung sighs again.
“But it just hurts, sometimes.”
Or actually, many times.
“I know that I’m not the only one who gets teased. You get teased a lot as well, Teuk-hyung, but you…” Yesung pauses as he sighs.
“Me what?” Leeteuk asks.
“The others adore you,” Yesung says reluctantly.
“Fool, the others adore you as well,” Leeteuk says and Yesung scorns sarcastically.
Yesung always tries to believe that. He tries hard.
But most of the time, he just got teased, mocked, and pranked… even when the members are being nice to him, it feels fake. It feels as if they do it just for the camera, or because they somewhat pity him.
Yesung likes to touch the other members a lot, especially the younger ones.
Hugging, leaning to them, even to Eunhyuk and Kyuhyun.
He tries very hard to believe that they never mean their teasing, that deep them both of that damned Jerry adore him too.
But most of the time, it feels like he is lying to himself.
“Do you know why I am avoiding you all?” Yesung asks Leeteuk a question. “No, I don’t give you the silent treatment or something like that.”
Leeteuk is, for once, silent.
“I… I don’t want them mocking me for crying,” Yesung is choked up. Shit, he doesn’t want to cry here. Not that he is afraid to cry in front of Leeteuk. The leader is one of the members who teases him the less, on contrary, he also gets teased a lot. But, Yesung knows that Leeteuk has more problems to dwell on so Yesung doesn’t want to trouble Leeteuk over this.
“But who am I kidding, they tease me even when I don’t do anything…,” Yesung snort as if he says something funny. They tease his clothes, the way he talks, the way he sings, everything. Yesung knows that the members don’t mean it seriously, he knows.
But, it still hurts…
“It makes me wonder whether my role in the group is to be the punching bag…” Yesung lets out a heavy laugh again as he tries to control his tears desperately. “I’m not the only main vocalist… So, I guess that is my main role, to be the punching bag.”
Not only in front of the camera, but behind the camera as well. When the members don’t tease him, Yesung is… nothing special really. He isn’t witty like Heechul, he isn’t cute like Ryewook, he isn’t funny like Shindong, he isn’t charming like Kyuhyun, he isn’t adorable like Dong Hae, he isn’t multi-talented like Siwon, he isn’t clever like Eunhyuk, and he isn’t strong like Leeteuk.
He is just Yesung. His only good point is his singing. But Ryeowook and Kyuhyun arguably can sing as good or even better than him.
He is just Yesung, the punching bag of the group, who reacts funny when they tease him. Who curses, and is violent and defensive.
And pathetic.
Yesung groans as he holds back his tears as best as he can.
He hates to look weak in front of others like this. He has had this strong façade for so long. He needs to be confident, to be strong, he can’t be weak.
Because looking weak will add more ammo for others to keep mocking him. And that will be the worst.
“Yesung… that’s not true…” Leeteuk’s voice is so gentle and Yesung can’t remember when the last time Leeteuk ever talk to him this gently.
“No, I know that’s the truth…” Yesung wipes his wet nose. He is at his limit, he is about to cry. His voice is cracking. “I try my best to be a good punching bag too. Because we are all so savage so someone needs to do it…”
At some point, he accepted this role. Sometimes, he even thought that he is doing a good job at being their punching bad.
“But… but… it is just hard sometimes, it hurts… Being with you guys hurt… And sometimes I fear you guys and what will you guys do to me.”
Yesung closes his eyes. His mind is flashing to his miserable childhood. Where he got mocked and picked on relentlessly, but he stayed because he needed them to survive. He didn’t know how to properly find other friends and he didn’t want to be alone, so he stayed.
It is really not that different from his current situation, right?
Sometimes, he fears the younger members, because Yesung can’t expect what kind of teasing he will get. He sometimes fears Kyuhyun, the one who judges him the most. And Eunhyuk with his random comments. Then Ryeowook usually hits the point like a bazooka. Then the others sometimes join to make him an outcast.
Sometimes, Yesung envies the others. Like Dong Hae, who is bad with variety shows as well, but the others babying and gentler toward him. Like Leeteuk, who gets teased quite much as well, but the others always share how they love their leader.
Is something wrong with his personality? Yesung wonders about that, sometimes.
But he tried so many times to get closer to others. It just never worked.
It does feel like he is an outcast, and they all include him solely because they pity him, not because they enjoy his presence. Or to be frank, they endure him because of the contract of their jobs.
Like when Yesung first received those cursed screenshots of the group chat who mocked him. He tried to phone the other members, mostly to vent, but also to ask whether that is the truth or not. Yesung wanted them to confirm that it was all lies. That he isn’t this pathetic person who always got bullied wherever he goes.
But no one answered his call.
Right, they might get tired of being vented by him so many times.
But he did that because… he craves love and affection from the members. He craves it, but he doesn’t know how to ask for it.
And he is afraid that he will get teased if he asks for it.
“Yesung…”
The way Leeteuk sees him, is full of guilt and regret, with his voice so gently and so sad. Yesung’s eyes are burning and glassy behind the sunglasses.
He just bared himself in front of the leader, showing that he isn’t as strong and confident as the façade he usually wears. And if this backfires on him in the future, Yesung might not be able to trust any of the members ever again. But for now, it feels okay, to be honest to Leeteuk.
“But, I know… nothing can’t be done now. So, you don’t need to worry, Teuk-hyung. I don’t have any intention to leave Super Junior,” Yesung needs to point that out. Sometimes he thought about it when the teasing got too much when he burned out with all their work.
But, there is just no way Yesung can do that.
“I love Super Junior too you know, I know I can’t leave,” Yesung adds again. That is the truth. He loves Super Junior, maybe as much as Leeteuk. “No matter how hard it is to be with the members sometimes, I just can’t leave.”
Then again, Yesung doesn’t think he can endure seeing the betrayed face of their fans if Yesung ever decides to leave the group. And the bashing he will definitely get as well. He won’t be able to survive any of that.
“And it is hard to change the dynamic now… Fans love to see me get teased as well… we can’t just all stop doing that suddenly…” And Yesung knows that as well. He thinks a lot about it. He thinks about how to change his image for their fans, whether he can do other things to entertain them rather than just being the punching bag.
But, he finds nothing. He can’t change his image easily. He isn’t the most famous nor most successful member of the group. People notice him mostly for his singing and his funny reactions when he gets teased.
That’s it. He has nothing else. So, if he loses his role as the punching bag… he will lose his presence even more.
There is no other way to resolve this problem.
Yesung just needs to endure it. He just needs to endure being the punching bag.
That’s it.
“I just… need time to heal…” But Yesung isn’t ready to come back with them immediately. He can’t endure their teasing right away, especially since they will definitely tease him about having an outburst like an immature child in front of the camera. So, for now, what Yesung can do, is heal himself first.
To patch himself back, so that he can endure their mean teasing without any hard feelings.
“I will come back to you guys. I will be back to be the usual me,” Yesung says with a solemn face. The usual him who reacts funny when people tease him. “That’s okay,” Yesung nods with his own words.
Leeteuk doesn’t seem convinced, but he doesn’t say anything. Yesung knows Super Junior is a crazy idol group after all. They are all crazy, including Yesung and Leeteuk.
There is nothing else that can be done.
Leeteuk huffs and Yesung feels bad for him. Since the leader’s face is grim and dark, he looks as old as his real age and it makes Yesung feel guilty.
“I guess that is what you can do now. You are right, you need time to be alone,” Leeteuk nods, his face is saying differently though. It looks like he is thinking about something else, it makes Yesung wonders what.
But Yesung doesn’t have any energy to trouble himself more. He is happy that Leeteuk doesn’t scold him or anything. “Thank you for listening, I appreciate it a lot, Teuk-hyung,” Yesung gives him a sheepish smile.
Leeteuk has this complex expression on his face, Yesung can’t figure out what. “You are welcome, you know that I will listen if you need someone to talk to.”
Yesung just huffs with a smile. “You rarely answered my phone.” He points that out.
“Well, t-that is different, you know that I’m Lee-Talk when I’m using my phone, not Leeteuk.” The leader is talking nonsense, it makes Yesung chuckles bitterly.
“It is okay, Hyung. I’m used to that,” Yesung says nonchalantly. “I rarely responded to tons of your chats in our group chat anyway, so it is fair.”
Leeteuk huffs and nods. “What I mean is, if you really need someone to talk to, over a cup of coffee or while drinking. I’m always open, just come to me. Okay?”
Yesung appreciates the offer, but he knows better than to do that. Leeteuk is already too overwhelmed with managing a group filled with middle-aged men who refuse to grow up. Yesung isn’t easy to handle either, he knows that as well, not that he will ever admit it to anyone else.
“Thank you,” Yesung replies. He still feels grateful for the gesture.
And that’s enough.
“Don’t mention it, Yesung.” Leeteuk gives him a complex expression again. Yesung wonders if Leeteuk is kind of pitying him now. But Yesung won’t say anything about it.
Now, he just needs time to heal himself. So that he can come back to his beloved but detestable idol group.
And the cycle just keeps repeating itself.
That is his job after all.
As the punching bag of the group, that is what he can do.
To Be Continued