Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Twenty-two idols ran off the buses and toward the resort that their company had booked for a week. Surely a week-long vacation would rejuvenate the tired young men, while also providing plenty of filmed content for their fans. If anyone in NCT minded the combination of work and play, they didn’t show it. Instead, they all talked about different rides or games they wanted to try first, each member talking over one another. 

Everyone, that is, except for Kun. 

He stared after the stampede with a tight frown and trembling hands as he clutched his own luggage. Seven days and nights. He could get through it. It wasn’t like he’d have to interact with the entire group all the time, after all. 

Despite his reluctant behavior, Kun adored the rest of his members. He viewed each one as a child he had helped raise or a valuable confidante. Lifelong friendships had been formed over much less. He also cherished the sporadic moments when he could reconnect with members outside of his own subunit, their conflicting schedules and managers making it difficult to coordinate something as simple as a quick phone call. 

However, Kun had never shared a space with so many people--all of whom he deeply cared about--for so long. Even as a trainee, the other boys came and went as they pleased. This week, the entirety of NCT was practically trapped together. And, since the point of the videos would be to show how well all the members got along, he couldn’t just hide with WayV the whole time. 

He might not have minded the arrangement for a brief sleepover or extended holiday weekend…but a week was too much. 

Too dangerous. 

Surely a week would be long enough for his secret to slip. 

Kun hadn’t realized he was actually stalling, until a certain American giant sprinted toward him. The Thai dancer wasn’t far behind, despite their size difference. Kun couldn’t help but smile whenever in their presence or the center of their attention. The rowdy duo had a special way of teasing him then calling it love. 

“I’ll take that,” Johnny insisted, stealing Kun’s bag out of his grasp and leaving no room for protest. “You know you two aren’t supposed to even lift a finger when I’m around.”

As if Kun could ever deny his older boyfriend’s chivalry.

“My hero,” he sang and stood on his toes to offer a grateful kiss. 

“And I’ll take you,” Ten added, grabbing the other 96-liner’s hand. “Hurry up before the rest of the guys call dibs on all the good beds! Oh, avoid the first room on the left when we go in, by the way. Sicheng and Jungwoo dropped as soon as they saw the pink dinosaur quilt inside, and now they’re jumping on that bed. Doyoung’s doing his best to not scold them within the first five seconds of our trip. I think he’s gonna have to break out his emergency toys a lot sooner than he planned.”

Ten snickered the last half of his warning, oblivious to the way Kun’s eyes widened in concern. Not five seconds in…and he’d already have to avoid one of the rooms just because it was cutely decorated. He added unexpected triggers to his list of reasons why he so rarely left their dorm or studio. 

Johnny turned to their smallest lover and pouted. “Why do we have to call dibs? I thought we’d just share a bed like usual.”

Ten rolled his eyes, the fondness nearly invisible to everyone outside of their group. However, neither Johnny nor Kun missed the sparkle in his cat-like gaze. “We can’t while the cameras are rolling, silly. That’ll be too much work for the cameras to edit out. We have to at least pick our own beds to unpack on and use for naps.”

“I don’t care where we sleep, as long as we can stay together,” Kun admitted almost desperately. At least when they were together, he knew how to act. There was never a chance of slipping…of dropping. Even better, nothing grounded him quite like the weight of Johnny’s hands on his waist or Ten’s mischievous fingers drawing circles into his skin.

Ten giggled at Kun’s solemn tone, while Johnny simply pressed a kiss to the vocalist’s forehead. “Aw, don’t worry, darling,” the latter cooed. “I’ll make sure we can all share a room together in front of the cameras, then a bed in front of everyone else. Promise.”

Had Kun not already accepted his unlucky fate, he would have glared at Johnny for breaking his own promise. Of course, Kun couldn’t fully blame the older man. Taeyong had made a good point about needing to switch up the subunits and relationships. All the couples--or thruples--could sneak away for adult time when they weren’t being recorded. 

More importantly though, they couldn’t just have the littles rooming with each other without a caretaker in sight. It would have been far too irresponsible, especially in a completely new environment. Even now, several of the boys had already dropped and tried to go to the pool or waterpark without an adult present. 

Like the rest of the caretakers and neutral members, Kun viewed the littles in their group like angels. He just couldn’t get too close to them. So, being around a dozen excited members in varying headspaces was going to guarantee a painfully long week. 

“Okay, everyone!” Taeyong called after counting all the members twice. Only when he remembered to include himself did he relax again. “I talked to the staff, and here’s the line-up for all the roommates. I’ll write it out for all the littles to see when they’re big again too.”

A couple of the shyer members listened even while in little space, while the rest of them ignored him easily. 

“I stay with Sungchannie?” a small, high-pitched voice asked hopefully. 

Everyone turned to find Shotaro gently swinging the taller boy’s hand, though the Japanese dancer looked even younger than usual. They were all weak to Shotaro in his regular headspace. No one, especially Sungchan, could resist the broken Korean whenever Shotaro dropped. 

“Of course, baby,” Taeyong answered quickly, whether or not the arrangement was actually on the staff’s list. “You and Sungchan can always stay together. Hendery is going to stay with you too.” 

The little cheered, only to squeal happily when Hendery picked him up without any warning. 

“Next up is Jeno, Haechan, Renjun, and Doyoung in the biggest room downstairs,” Taeyong continued. “Then in the third room, we have Taeil hyung with Xiaojun and Jungwoo. Then in the first room upstairs, it’ll be me, Sichengie, Ten, and Jaehyunie. Next is Johnny, Yangyang, and Jisung. Then it’s Yuta, Mark, and Jaemin. Last up is Chenle, Lucas, and Kun.”

No one argued about the pairings. Half of the group was too focused on watching the current littles, while the remaining ones gradually slipped within the next fifteen minutes. Who slept where was their last concern. 

Since the sun was already starting to set and the ride had taken several hours, all of the caretakers decided to save outdoor time for tomorrow. Everyone needed a comforting meal and an early sleep, despite the littles’ whines. A little cuddling and cartoons would do wonders to change their minds. 

As for Kun, he did what he did best--he avoided everyone as well as he could without seeming obvious or rude. As long as none of the littles wanted him in particular, he could hide in his designated room. Fortunately, his two boyfriends had naturally assumed Kun would need some personal space to decompress and rest after spending so many hours in a cramped bus. 

So what if he mistakenly called his avoidance a form of self-care?

During moments like this when he had nothing for company but his own thoughts, Kun’s mind inevitably took him down a dark path of self-doubt and guilt. He hated towing the line between actively lying and just passively not telling the full truth. The group knew all of his embarrassing pre-debut stories, his fears, and his dreams. His two boyfriends knew everything else. 

Well, almost everything else. 

He couldn’t share it now, not after training and singing and falling in love beside them. Too many years and chances to be honest had passed. At some point, his silence had morphed his secrets into betrayal. Kun told himself it was for the best--both his and theirs. 

They’d never look at him the same way if they knew.

They’d never be able to whole-heartedly trust--or maybe even love--him again. 

Keeping his silence, though often stifling, was the only option anymore. 

At least he was used to sharing a space with Lucas, one of the group’s more reliable caretakers despite his playful personality. There was no risk of Kun dropping in front of Lucas now of all times. Chenle would be his only real problem. It was no secret that the two Chinese vocalists shared a special brotherly bond, even when Chenle was in a more toddler-like mindset. Kun would have no choice but to shower the Dreamie with all the attention and affection he could ever offer…even though another little was usually his strongest trigger. 

Sure enough, a couple hours later Kun patiently waited for Chenle to kiss all of the members goodnight before getting tucked into bed. Lucas had offered to make the rounds with the Chinese little, but Kun could have seen the dark circles under the rapper’s eyes from a mile away. Lucas needed his sleep--they all did. Even Chenle yawned as he waddled from one room to the other in search of skipped members. 

“Come on, baobei,” he coaxed after Chenle had tried to sneak a second kiss to everyone. He picked up the little easily, despite his own exhaustion. “Let’s get you to bed now, or Lucas is going to take all the sweet dreams from our room!”

Chenle gasped and bounced in Kun’s arms, as if to make the latter walk faster. “No, gege!” he argued. “Share the dreams!”

Kun was just about to reassure the little, until he heard a soft laugh from one of the other rooms. He swore his heart skipped a beat when he found Johnny leaning against a door frame and staring at him. He had half a mind to threaten Johnny’s dreams too when the latter’s smile turned into a suggestive smirk. 

“Don’t worry, Lele. Your Kun ge saved all the sweetest dreams for you already,” he chuckled. His gaze became less child-friendly when he returned his attention to his boyfriend. “I hope you’ll have good dreams too, lover. Dream of me tonight, and I’ll make even your wildest ones come true tomorrow.”

Kun knew better than to ask, but being in a relationship with Johnny and Ten for the last six months had sacrificed some of his better judgment. Maybe Ten was right about him being a masochist, as long as it rewarded him with a tongue down his throat. Of course, he saw no point in admitting it. 

“What have you got in mind? My subconscious needs to know its limitations.” 

Johnny grinned widely, always so amused when Kun played along with their flirty games. “I bet we could find some privacy in the lazy river while the rest of the guys babysit the littles. I bet it won’t be too different from when you and Ten fooled around in the jacuzzi during WayV’s vacation. Jungwoo is probably the only person we’ll have to kick out.” 

“I heard that!” Jungwoo whined from the hallway. “Just for that, I’m going to spend the entire day in the lazy river tomorrow.”

Johnny shrugged, shameless as always when either of his boyfriends were involved. “That’s your call. Ten and I don’t mind an audience, and we’ve been trying to get Kun to play with us in public a bit more anyway.”

Before Kun could scold him, Doyoung walked by and smacked the back of Johnny’s head as calmly as possible. “No s-e-x talk in front of the littles,” he reminded. “Little ears have big mouths, and I’d rather Lele not tell Taeyong that you’re contaminating the lazy river. At least wait until our last day here.” 

Kun didn’t dare imagine how red his face had turned, his embarrassment only increasing with their audience. Even Chenle patted one of his rosy cheeks to check for a fever like Kun had done to him so many times. Doyoung was right--little ears, big mouths, and shockingly selective memories. 

“I’m going to put Lele to sleep now,” Kun announced, effectively excusing himself from the entire conversation. “Hopefully he’ll forget about this in the morning.”

“Not likely,” Jungwoo snorted, though he offered another kiss to the top of Chenle’s head. “Be a good boy and go to bed, baby. Listen to Kun too, even if his boyfriends are s-e-x fiends.” 

Johnny squawked then whined just as pitifully as any of the littles. 

Thank goodness Chenle’s littlespace didn’t include the ability to spell yet. 

“That’s my cue. Night, hyungs,” Kun called, already on his way back to their room with Chenle half-asleep in his arms. 

If a little--no pun intended--PDA was the worst part of their trip, then maybe Kun didn’t have anything to worry about after all.

Chapter Text

Kun couldn’t sleep. 

It wasn’t just the unfamiliar environment or absence from his boyfriends, although that certainly didn’t help either. Kun couldn’t remember the last time he had slept--or tried to sleep--alone. His American boyfriend might have had his own schedule and dorm, but at least Ten was always close by. Kun had gotten so used to being used as the smaller man’s body pillow, that the lack of bony, flexible limbs wrapped around him just made him feel cold.

He wished he had brought something comforting from home, even if he had needed to hide it for a week. Maybe one of the plushies he secretly kept under his bed, or even the bear-shaped night-light he ‘ironically’ used every night. Just small, cutesy things that couldn’t actually prove anything. 

Unfortunately, his inner turmoil mimicked the storm raging outside. 

Wind and rain beat against the window, while lightning flashed and turned the trees into convincing monsters. It would have been scary even on a good night…one when his battling headspaces didn’t threaten to give him a migraine. Kun didn’t struggle alone, if the faraway sounds of other littles’ whines and caretakers’ hushed attempts to soothe them were any indication. 

Thank goodness Chenle could sleep through a hurricane. Kun doubted he would have been able to reassure the Dreamie if he woke up little, when Kun couldn’t even reassure himself. Instead, he sat up in bed and hugged a pillow to his chest. If he closed his eyes, maybe he could pretend someone was hugging him back. 

He glanced across the room to the third bed, a dark silhouette lying peacefully despite the thunder. If possible, Lucas slept even more deeply than the Chinese boy. Kun envied them, both their slumber and obliviousness to his own worries. . 

Ignorance truly was bliss. 

Another flash of lightning sparked outside, and Kun hid his face in the pillow. He bit the fabric to suppress a whine then chewed on it anxiously. He stayed like that for several minutes, then only stopped when he caught the self-soothing action. Kun threw the pillow and kicked the covers out of his reach before he could rely on them too much. 

He didn’t need them. 

He didn’t need to be little.

He was big and brave, and he had to act the part even when he didn’t feel like it. The rest of the group expected it of him. They needed him to be one of the caretakers, regardless of the scared child scratching at the surface. 

Kun had worked too hard all these years to make sure they’d never meet. He couldn’t let one trip ruin all his efforts. Kun hated to imagine what everyone else would think of him if they ever knew the truth. 

They’d probably call him a liar…and liars got punished. 

His mind started spinning with fake scenarios, until Kun forgot all about the angry storm surrounding them. He thought of his boyfriends first. Johnny was a proud, natural caretaker, while Kun only pretended to be half as good. Ten was equal parts, but he had said countless times already that he only wanted to take care of their cats. Kun wouldn’t fit into their relationship anymore. 

At least, Kunnie wouldn’t. 

He whimpered quietly, his abandoned headspace running wild with his imagination now. There was no way Johnny or Ten would love him anymore. No one loved liars. It would be okay if they never found out, but less than one night had passed and he already felt like crying. 

Wait...he was crying.

Kun pulled his knees up to his chest and stifled a sob. His roommates wouldn’t have been able to hear it though, as the storm grew more intense. He could cry to his heart’s content, and no one would have noticed. He didn’t have any caretakers to notice. 

He wished he could have cried himself to sleep. Then if either of his boyfriends saw his puffy eyes in the morning, he’d just blame it on allergies. He didn’t like lying to them more than he had to…but he would if it meant they’d still love him. 

Kun wondered if only seconds or hours had passed when a particularly loud clap of thunder jolted him out of his misery. He wasn’t its only victim either, as the other two idols stirred in their own beds. Lucas just rolled over to go back to sleep,  but Chenle--or Kun--wasn’t as lucky. 

The Dreamie whined as he sat up, more confused than frightened. Kun held his breath as he watched Chenle slowly come to his senses. However, to the latter’s dismay, Chenle fully woke with a wobbling lip and unhappy pair of eyes. 

Now Kun had a bigger reason to panic. 

He scrambled out of his own bed and raced to the other one, hopeful he could reach Chenle in time before the little’s shrill cries drowned out the storm. The last thing Kun wanted was extra attention, and surely a few other members were still asleep. Chenle could bring everyone running, even in his regular headspace. 

“You’re okay, baobei,” he hurried, surprised by how frail and pitiful his own voice sounded. He cleared his throat then held the boy’s bedhead to his chest. “It’s okay, Lele. It’s just a little storm.”

Even with the Dreamie’s face pressed against his pajama shirt, Chenle’s sobs echoed around the room. Kun whispered softly and rocked him back and forth, but the little stayed inconsolable. During moments like this, he needed to sleep off his sadness. Yet, there was no chance of putting Chenle back to sleep while the storm strengthened and Kun’s own resolve weakened. 

“Shh…let’s lie down, Lele,” he pleaded. He tried to coax Chenle under the covers again, but the little squirmed and protested. Chenle nearly wailed then, the elder’s embrace only able to muffle so much. “Baby, please…please don’t cry. I’m scared too, but you’re safe. We’re safe.”

He buried his face in the Dreamie’s hair and sniffled. Within seconds, his own sobs began to rival Chenle’s more childlike ones. He so rarely allowed himself to be vulnerable, for this very reason. Once he started, he couldn’t stop. 

Similarly, he hadn’t realized when Chenle’s cries ceased, the shock of seeing his favorite caretaker in a similar state silencing him. Kun only paused when Chenle reached up and touched one of his tear-stained cheeks in awe.

“Gege?”

 His tears rolled even faster than before, a shamefulness accompanying their path. “I’m sorry, Lele,” he hurried, roughly swiping at his eyes. “Don’t…don’t be scared. Gege’s okay.”

The other bed creaked then, and Kun turned to see Lucas getting up. “What’s going on?” he asked, remnants of slumber still clinging to his voice though his eyes looked wide awake now. 

Kun shook his head and passed the stunned little to Lucas instead. “Please take Lele,” he croaked, refusing to meet the rapper's gaze. “Before he sees anything else. I don’t…I didn’t want anyone to see me like this.”

Truthfully, they couldn’t see much in the dark room. Lucas only caught the glimmer of tears on Kun’s round face whenever lightning flashed outside the window and made both the leader and Dreamie jump. It was the way Kun practically pushed them out the room that worried him most. 

“Wait, Kun ge,” he tried, grabbing the doorframe with his free hand. “What the hell is going on?”

Kun couldn’t even scold the taller man’s language. “Just give me a few minutes to calm down,” he sniffled. “Maybe make Lele a bottle.” 

Lucas nodded slowly, his brain still catching up. He and the rest of WayV had always relied on their leader for stability, but right now Kun offered more questions than answers. All Lucas could say for certain was that Kun didn’t want or need the two of them to witness whatever had made him so upset. 

“I’ll get Ten and Johnny,” he concluded, only to be pulled back before he could step foot outside of the room. 

“No!” Kun gasped, his tone and red-rimmed eyes equally pleading. 

He didn’t doubt that if either of his boyfriends--let alone both of them--found him so distraught, they’d try to make him talk. And when he wouldn't be able to explain, they’d coddle him until he broke. Then it would only be a matter of time before he was looking at them as caretakers instead of lovers.

Kun had never heard of caretakers rejecting littles before…but he couldn’t take the chance.

Lucas shook his arm, and Kun by extension, to snap the latter out of his downward spiral. “I can’t just leave you here, ge,” he argued. “At least tell me what’s wrong.”

Kun hesitated but guessed Lucas wouldn’t leave without a compromise. It didn’t help that Chenle started to get fussy in the rapper’s arms. “Just…just Taeyong,” he suggested. “You can send him in.”

Lucas didn’t understand, but he also didn’t question Kun’s preference. At least Taeyong would be able to take care of the vocalist, although probably not the same way Kun’s boyfriends could have. Still, Lucas accepted the small victory, sparing an unsure glance toward the older man before leaving with the little. 

Kun closed the door behind them with shaky hands. Once really alone, the storm seemed twice as furious. A whimper escaped his lips, louder now that he no longer had to hide it from his roommates. He leaned against the nearest wall then sank down to the floor, roughly pressing his hands against his ears to drown out the thunder. 

Part of Kun considered locking the door and not letting anyone else in, including their leader. However, then he really wouldn’t have been able to hide his sorrow from his boyfriends. If he dared to lock it or even barricade himself, then surely Ten would pick the lock or Johnny would just kick down the door. He was already lucky that they hadn’t come in to check on him tonight. There was no telling how much trouble he’d be in later if Lucas or even little Chenle told them about his outburst, but maybe he could trust Taeyong. 

Of course, Kun had spent years praying he’d never have to trust anyone else to keep his secret. 

At least Taeyong would be able to talk him off the ledge of his headspace. Kun had seen the Korean man do it with the younger members right before interviews and photoshoots. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t very common, but it was possible. 

And if Taeyong hated him or threatened to expose his years of secrecy, Kun could better handle it with a calmer mind. 

Meanwhile, Lucas carried the cranky little toward the kitchen. Kun was right that a bottle was the best distraction, although it required a bit more patience that Chenle would have liked. At least the boy leaned against the elder’s chest more contently once the warm milk hit his tongue.

Lucas decided that the next best step was to just pace around the common area, instead of trying to lay Chenle down on one of the couches. However, he stopped in front of one door on his way to the living room. He didn’t bother to knock and wake anyone else up, choosing to just peak his head inside. 

He breathed a sigh of relief when he found Taeyong already up and tending to a whiny little Jaehyun, while Sicheng had curled up beside Ten on the elder’s bed. 

“Hey, Taeyong hyung!” he whisper-yelled, immediately stealing everyone else’s attention as well.

The leader glanced up and frowned. “What are you two doing up?” he asked. He feigned a bright smile when he saw Chenle present and focused on their conversation. “Can Lele not sleep? Oh, did Xuxi already get you a bottle, baby? You’ll be back asleep in no time!”

Lucas shook his head and motioned for Taeyong to come closer. “Lele’s fine. It’s Kun.”

“Wait, what?” Ten asked from the opposite side of the room, already pushing the blanket off his body and getting up. “What’s wrong with Kun?”

Lucas gulped and racked his brain for an explanation. He hadn’t expected Ten to overhear him, or to instantly jump into action. “Oh, no, he’s fine!” he hurried, too quickly for either idol to believe. “I mean, I think he is.”

Ten put his hands on his hips and stared the taller man down. “That doesn’t sound fine.”

“No, no, he is! Kun ge just said he wanted Taeyong hyung, so…can you go check on him, hyung?”

Taeyong and Ten exchanged a concerned glance, curious why Kun would ask for him specifically. “Okay, I’ll be right there,” Taeyong replied. 

“Me too,” Ten added. “Lucas, watch the kids in here.” 

“Ten ge, wait,” Lucas startled and stood in the center of the doorway before either of the two dancers could pass. His eyes nervously looked away, buying himself--and Kun--a bit more time. “I’m not saying you can’t go too, Ten ge. But he looked really…scared…when I told him I’d get you and Johnny hyung the first time. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but it’s something he didn’t want you to see.”

“Now I’m definitely going,” Ten stated, and this time his voice left no room for discussion. He looked over to his best friend next to see uncertainty cross the elder’s face. He and Taeyong were usually only serious when it involved dance, but their love lives had become the exception. “He’s my boyfriend. Johnny and I should be the ones to take care of him if something’s wrong.” 

“I agree,” Taeyong mumbled, although his words didn’t match his doubtful expression. “But just in case, let’s respect his wishes. Can I have just a minute alone with him first?”

Ten looked like he wanted to argue more, but the conviction in Lucas’s eyes made him pause. Clearly Lucas had seen something already, something Ten wasn’t allowed to see. The fact that Kun hadn’t asked for either of his boyfriends stung, but Ten pushed the jealousy to the back of his mind. 

“One minute,” he mumbled to the leader. “Then Johnny and I are coming in whether or not he wants us.”

Taeyong didn’t waste a second he was granted once Lucas had hesitantly moved out of the way. Ten ran in the opposite direction to another room. Lastly, Lucas smiled unsurely at the three littles staring up at him, immediately feeling outnumbered. 

Like Lucas, Ten didn’t stop to knock. He opened the door then darted to a familiar figure, not hesitating to shake it awake. “Johnny, get up,” he hurried, his whispers more effective. “We have to check on Kun.” 

The older man groaned at being forced into a sitting position. “What time is it?” he asked groggily, glancing around the room for any signs of light or an alarm clock. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Ten answered. “Something’s wrong with Kun, and we need to go to him now. It’s already been thirty seconds.” 

Not even espresso would have been able to get Johnny out of bed that fast. He accepted Ten’s hand without question and let the Thai idol guide him to Kun’s room. However, Johnny barely caught himself from falling over Ten when the latter suddenly stopped at the door. 

“What’s the deal?” he questioned, the tiredness in his voice replaced with panic.

Despite his own desire to just barge right in, Ten remembered the others’ warning. He counted another fifteen seconds then knocked. He even waited until Taeyong had called for them to come in before opening the door, much to Johnny’s surprise and impatience. 

Their eyes searched the beds for their Chinese boyfriend, with no luck. Only when they heard the poorly muffled sobs in a corner of the room did they find Kun sitting on the floor. Taeyong sat in front of him with his arms wrapped around the vocalist, trying to initiate a rocking motion that Kun refused by weakly pushing Taeyong away.

“Close the door,” Ten instructed the American, lest Kun’s heart-wrenching cries alerted anyone else. 

Ten had hoped his voice or their presence could offer a little comfort. Instead, Kun whimpered and shrank further in on himself behind the leader’s body. Ten wouldn’t have even taken it personally, as long as Taeyong had at least been able to soothe some of Kun’s sorrows. However, all of Taeyong’s words of reassurance fell on deaf ears.

And if Taeyong couldn’t fix it, then there was no reason for Ten to hold back anymore. 

“Let us try,” he hurried, falling to his knees beside the other two men. 

Only Johnny stayed back to assess the situation, torn whether company or privacy would help Kun best. As he had feared, Kun scooted inches away when Ten reached out for him. Johnny couldn’t decide which was worse--hearing Kun’s sobs or seeing Ten’s dejected frown. 

“It’s okay,” Taeyong sighed, encouraging Ten to try again. “He doesn’t mean it.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Ten demanded. “I thought you could help him.” 

Taeyong bit the inside of his cheek. “I can, but I’m not going to. I’m not stopping something his mind obviously needs.”

Before Ten could yell at him or ask more questions, Kun grabbed Taeyong’s wrist. “Please, hyung,” he sniffled desperately. His grip probably would have left a bruise, if he had any strength left in his body. “Please, hyung! Make it stop! I don’t…I don’t want it. At least not in front of them!” 

Taeyong shook his head sadly and rubbed the younger man’s trembling hand. “No, baby. Just let it happen. You’ll feel better when you do, and Tennie and Johnny will be right here to take care of you.”

“What’s wrong?” Ten choked for what felt like the hundredth time tonight, his own voice breaking now. “Why won’t you help him?”

His gaze shifted from the Thai idol to the American, before Taeyong finally explained. “If I stop it now, it’ll get worse later or it’ll happen when he’s alone. I don’t want that and I don’t believe you two do either. This is the safest place for him to do it.” 

“Do what?” Johnny finally asked. 

Taeyong glanced over to watch a new river of tears spill down his cheeks. Kun’s eyes screamed for help, just not the kind Taeyong was willing to provide. He had seen the same terrified expression in half of the members before, usually when work got too overwhelming. Fortunately, the relief that followed always seemed worth the initial fear and pain. 

“Kun’s dropping.”

Chapter Text

Johnny hadn’t been sure what to expect when Ten had shaken him awake then dragged him to their other boyfriend’s room. He had felt even more concerned to find Taeyong in their place. Seeing Kun so distraught and resistant to Ten’s comfort had brought his deepest fears to life. 

However, Johnny couldn’t help breathing an audible sigh of relief when Taeyong finally answered. 

“That’s it?” he asked, letting some of the weight of the world roll off his shoulders. Johnny knelt on the only empty side of Kun left. “Hell, love, you scared us half to death.”

In this position, they had practically caged the Chinese vocalist in. Johnny hated the way Kun tucked his knees under his chin to avoid everyone else’s touch, but Taeyong was right. There was nowhere safer for Kun to be. He’d just have to endure their company a bit longer.  

Even Ten visibly relaxed to learn that Kun wasn’t sick or hurt. No doubt scared and confused out of his mind, but nothing they couldn’t handle together. They’d talk him through it, even if Kun preferred to be talked out of it. 

“Listen to Yongie hyung, okay, KunKun?” he coaxed, squeezing.the other 96-liner’s hand. “Go ahead and drop, baobei.”

Kun snatched his hand away then moved farther out of Ten’s grasp. “Please don’t call me that,” he sniffled. “I’m not a baby. I don’t like those names.” However, he collided against his American boyfriend next, having forgotten he was surrounded. Kun whined at the sudden contact, especially when Johnny ignored his protests to wrap an arm around his waist. 

“Why are you fighting it so hard, sweetheart?” he asked, genuinely puzzled. His frown deepened when Kun struggled to get out of his embrace, to no avail. “Come on, Kun. This isn’t like you. Why are you fighting us? You know we just want what’s best for you.” 

“But I don’t want this!” he cried harder, twisting in every direction to find a weak spot. He should have known that Johnny didn’t have one, at least nothing physical. Flailing and crying for the last hour had depleted most of his own strength, and he collapsed against the American’s chest with another sob. 

“Please, I don’t want this,” he whimpered again. “I don't want to be little.” 

“But you’ll feel so much better after you drop,” Taeyong promised with the same gentle tone he used on the other members when they struggled. “You have to drop, Kun. I’m only making you do this because your body and brain must be really exhausted to even need to be little.”

“It hurts,” Kun whined, not speaking to anyone in particular. “My head hurts so much.”

Ten interrupted to turn sharp, anxious eyes toward their leader. “I didn’t think it was supposed to hurt. If he’s in pain, then…then maybe we shouldn’t force him. Maybe he just needs to sleep.”

Taeyong shook his head more seriously this time. “It’s only hard right now because he’s resisting it. Normally, the drop only takes a second.” 

“I agree,” Johnny admitted, his arms tightening around the other’s shaking figure. “Come on, baby. Just let go for us. Then we can play and do whatever you want.”

“No!” Kun screamed, his pitch rising as he felt himself slipping. “Stop it!”

“You don’t have to be scared,” Taeyong coaxed. 

“Or embarrassed,” Johnny added somberly. Cupping the younger man’s cheek, he stroked away some of the tears staining Kun’s flushed face. “Is that why you didn’t want us in here with you, love? Were you worried about how we’d react? Because I need you to believe me when I say there’s nothing we’d rather do than take care of you.”

Kun cried harder, and his breathing turned more shallow. “You…you’re wrong.”

Ten took advantage of the other man’s disbelief to crawl forward, trapping Kun between them. “When has Johnny ever been wrong, hm, love?” he chuckled sadly. He stole a soft kiss to the other man’s cheek, despite Kun’s offended whine. “Just trust us this one time, and you’ll see it’s not a bad thing.” 

“But I’m bad,” Kun argued, his cheeks burning with the confession. 

The room fell silent instantly, save for the storm waning outside and Kun’s stuttered sniffles. 

Johnny spoke up first, adding Kun’s ridiculous claim to his list of things confusing him tonight. “What are you talking about, angel?” he sighed against the former’s temple. “There’s not a bad bone in your body.”

Kun grabbed Johnny’s shirt with a small fist, certain the American would push him away soon. It was inevitable, but he’d cling to the last thread of comfort he could get. “You don’t understand,” he whimpered in between sobs. “I’m a bad little. That’s why I can’t drop. If Kunnie drops, then you won’t like me anymore.”

He clenched his eyes shut to not see their reactions. However, not seeing their faces made everything twice as intense. The way Taeyong’s breath hitched. Johnny’s grip turning more possessive with each second. Worst of all though was the painful sound of Ten swallowing down his heartache, his throat burning with the effort to hold back his own tears. 

“Kun,” the Thai idol whispered, the Chinese man’s name like a prayer on his lips. “This isn’t your first time dropping? You’re really a little?”

He opened his eyes hesitantly, startled to find everyone else already staring at him. 

Ten looked just as shocked as he had sounded, his own eyes brimming with unshed tears. Taeyong had perfectly played the part of their leader at first, but now his surprise outshone his confidence. As for Johnny, a wave of confusion and self-doubt flooded over him. 

Kun glanced away then nodded once. “But I don’t have to be!” he hurried, hiccuping again as his panic increased. “I’m sorry. I was just so stressed tonight, but Taeyong hyung can stop it. Then I won’t have to be little!”

“What are you talking about?” Johnny demanded roughly, unable to conceal his frustration even as he kissed the vocalist’s crown. “Of course you can be little. We’d never expect you to change that or apologize for it.” 

“Kun, when’s the last time you dropped?” Taeyong suddenly asked, his wide eyes doubling in size. 

Kun ducked his head as he mumbled, “Three years ago. When I visited my family for Christmas.”

All at once, the weight of the world came crashing down onto his two boyfriends again. This time, they couldn’t have been less prepared for it. It punched Johnny in the gut and shattered Ten’s heart into a million pieces. 

The trio exchanged similarly horrified glances, while a million questions ran through their minds. Taeyong recovered first, though he had to clear his throat. “Kun, you haven’t been little in three years?” he questioned. He only received a sad shake of the head in response. “Oh, baby…no wonder you’re dropping so hard now.”

“How did we not notice?” Ten demanded, speaking to both of his lovers. “We’ve been together for almost a decade, at least as friends!”

“I hid it,” Kun admitted shamefully. “Not just from you, but from everyone. No one else in the entire company knows.”

“You could have told us,” Johnny scolded, his voice still harsh though he held Kun as if the latter were made of glass. “You could have trusted us.”

A sob ripped through his lips at the elder's words. “It wasn’t about trust,” Kun whimpered. “I just wanted to be with the group. I can’t do that when I’m a bad little. You wouldn’t want me anymore.” 

“Why do you keep saying that?” Ten huffed, his patience vanishing with each negative word Kun said about himself. “Why would we ever not want you…not love you?”

“Because I’m bad!” he yelled back, his tone more childlike than they had heard yet tonight. His bottom lip quivered as he added, “Because Kunnie’s bad. And bad littles don't deserve love.”

A long moment passed, as everyone let Kun’s claim sink in. His words were hard enough to digest, but the fact that Kun believed everything he said wounded them the most. It would take more than cuddles to convince him otherwise. 

Still, cuddles never hurt. 

Kun gasped when Johnny pulled him across the older man’s lap. “Baby, look at me,” the American insisted. His voice sounded calm, but the two dancers heard the steeliness behind it. When Kun didn’t look up immediately, Johnny cupped the former’s face. 

His assertiveness wavered when he met Kun’s gaze. To Johnny’s dismay, he recognized only a fraction of the dark eyes staring back at him. An unfamiliar innocence sparkled amidst the tears, begging them to not just throw him away. 

“I don’t know who told you that littles need to earn love,” Johnny began quietly. “But that’s not true. That’ll never be true. Nothing you say or do as a little will ever make us love you less.”

“I can’t wait to meet Kunnie,” Ten admitted with a soft smile. “I bet you’re the cutest, sweetest little in the world.” His fingers drew circles on the vocalist’s hand, just like he did whenever the grown version of Kun was stressed. 

“We can’t wait to take care of you,” Johnny added, pressing his lips against the other’s hair.

Despite his fears, Kun had no choice but to take their praise as gospel. 

Kun knew he was crazy about his lovers, but it still amazed him that only a few minutes with them had already started to unravel everything he had believed for years. Clearly the voice in his head that had first said all those cruel things wasn’t as loud as his boyfriends. Even when they whispered, their words held so much influence. 

Sensing a shift in the air, Taeyong stood up and smiled. “I’ll give you guys some privacy now,” he explained gently. “Come get me if you need me, but I think Kunnie’s going to be just fine.” 

After Taeyong had shut the door behind him, Ten scooted even closer until his body pressed against Kun’s back. “Take your time,” he hummed, the vibrations ticklish on Kun’s neck. “We’ll be right here to take care of you whenever you’re ready.” 

.Kun swallowed hard, vaguely aware that most of his tears had stopped falling. “Promise?” he asked nervously. He blindly reached out toward Ten with the one hand not still clinging to Johnny’s shirt, then sniffled when he felt Ten kissing his fingers. 

“Promise,” Johnny answered for both of them. 

Mentally exhausted now, Kun finally stopped resisting and laid his head on the elder’s shoulder. Tonight wouldn’t be his first time falling asleep in this position. He whined weakly though when Johnny began rocking him like a child. 

Like a little. 

However, Kun didn’t mind it as much anymore. He didn’t try to escape like he had done with Taeyong earlier. Taeyong was obviously the best caretaker in the group, but tonight he needed comfort over perfection. 

He closed his eyes for maybe a minute, maybe an hour. The storm became background noise as he listened to Johnny’s heartbeat and Ten’s gentle hums. When he opened them again, he found himself tucked into bed with one of his boyfriends on either side. 

Well, Kun’s boyfriends. 

Something in his tired eyes must have given him away, because Johnny and Ten grinned at each other when they noticed. 

“Hi, baobei,” Ten whispered excitedly. It took all his willpower to not just pull the little into a smothering embrace, but Johnny had already warned him against scaring the Chinese vocalist.  

“Do you know who we are, sweetheart?” Johnny asked, and he dug his fingernails into his palms to not immediately smooth Kun’s confused pout away. 

The little paused but nodded after a second’s thought. “You love Kun,” he answered, his singsong voice making them both coo. 

“That’s right,” Ten agreed happily and kissed the middle man’s forehead. Johnny’s rules be damned. “We love Kun lots, and we love you too.”

The little’s eyes widened, and he looked back and forth between them. “Really? Love Kunnie?”

“Always,” Johnny swore.

He slid an arm around Kun’s body, and the little naturally nuzzled into the elder’s embrace. He hummed happily when Ten curled against his side as well. They couldn’t blame him for almost immediately falling back to sleep, when he hadn’t been held like this in years. 

“Sleepy,” he mumbled through a yawn.

Johnny chuckled and moved his arm to hug both his boyfriends at once. “Sleep, angel. You’ve been up all night.”

“We’ll talk more in the morning,” Ten continued, then smiled knowingly at the American man. “We have lots to talk about.”

“Night, loves,” Johnny whispered and blew Ten a kiss since he couldn’t reach the latter’s lips. 

“Night, Johnny,” Ten giggled. “Night, baobei.”

The little didn’t answer them…but he dreamt happily for the first night in years.  

Chapter Text

When Ten and Johnny woke late the next morning, the events from last night seemed like a bad dream. 

Instead of a violent storm, the sun shone brightly in a clear, blue sky. 

And instead of frightened cries, the two idols woke to the sound of joyful, faraway laughter. 

But it only took Ten and Johnny a second to realize that the practically perfect morning was missing their favorite part of the day. 

Ten nearly kicked his American boyfriend’s face in his haste to scramble out of bed. “Kun!” he called, his head frantically whipping around all corners of the room. 

“Let’s not panic yet,” Johnny suggested, forcing himself to be the voice of reason until it was Ten’s turn again. He glanced at their lost lover’s phone on the nightstand. “Wow, it’s almost noon. He probably just woke up before us and is with everyone else.”

Ten had already opened the door before Johnny could stand up, let alone think of chasing him. “You’re probably right,” Ten agreed. “But until I have proof he’s fine, I’m going to keep panicking.” 

Johnny knew better than to argue with the stubborn dancer, especially when the Chinese vocalist was involved. No one--not even Johnny--could tease Kun the way Ten did. Similarly, no one watched out for the subunit leader as closely as Ten either. 

So when Ten ran down the hallway searching for the third part of their trio, Johnny immediately followed. 

After last night’s crisis, they couldn’t begin to guess what state they’d find Kun in. They just hoped he wasn’t alone. The fact that Kun had initially rejected their company--their comfort--last night stirred up so many questions. They needed answers, even if it took more time and tears. 

Most of the other members currently hung out in the shared living area. Ten and Johnny weren’t the only idols to have slept in today. Over half of them were still in pajamas, though the unmistakable smell of coffee and mugs in their hands helped revive the group. A few of the littles had dropped and traded their caffeine for sippy cups, but the twenty-plus idols moved with a familiar kind of ease around each other. 

Of course, only a couple of them still carried the turmoil that last night’s storm had caused. 

Chenle sat at the designated kids’ table with the rest of the Dreamies, even though only Renjun had dropped so far this morning. The younger vocalist laughed and squealed like normal in front of the cameras recording their slow start to the day. However, Chenle stole curious glances toward the kitchen every few moments. 

Lucas was even more obvious from where he had pulled up a chair to sit near the fixed subunit. It made sense for Chenle to be confused, since he had still been little during Kun’s meltdown. Yet, Lucas had witnessed at least half of it, leaving him concerned and scared for the eldest WayV member. He didn’t even know what he was supposed to feel. 

Then there was Taeyong, wearing a perfectly crafted and fake smile on his face from where he hovered near their staff. Even though their week-long break was technically a vacation, Taeyong still had to make sure his boys didn’t say or do anything horrendous that the editors couldn’t cut.  He also had to focus on being a leader to twenty other idols, not just one traumatized thruple. 

But there was a reason all the fans said that SM produced the best leaders. 

As soon as Taeyong noticed them, he quickly excused himself from the crew then pulled his two friends aside. Lucas and Chenle watched them as well, but they stayed at the Dream table.

“Where’s Kun?” the Thai idol asked, skipping pleasantries and getting straight to the point. If Taeyong didn’t know, then the latter was just wasting their time. 

Fortunately, Taeyong had expected nothing less. He understood the urgency. His face--while still perfectly flawless--looked as worried as they felt. 

He crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. “In the kitchen, stress cooking for the past hour. I tried to help him make breakfast and talk about last night, but he’s avoiding me and Lucas. Hopefully you’ll have better luck. Doyoung and Hendery are in there with him right now. I think Hendery is just keeping him company, but I secretly asked Doyoung to stay with him until you guys got up. I just didn’t want him to be alone and start spiralling.” 

“Thanks, Tae,” the American mumbled, mentally searching for a plan. 

Hopefully Kun wouldn’t try to run or push them away again now that the damage was done, for lack of a better word. 

“How did it go when I left?” Taeyong added, a small smile softening his pout. “Was he able to drop?”

Despite the fact that Ten could still feel his heart anxiously beating against his chest, he shared the elder’s smile. His first interactions with this new side of Kun had already become one of his fondest memories. “Yeah, he did. It took a while, and for a minute there it seemed like he was neither our current Kun or Kunnie. But when he fully dropped, he was just like an even cuter version of himself.”

“I figured,” Taeyong chuckled, only able to imagine it for now. “Well, now that he’s dropped once, let’s pray he doesn’t wait another three years to show the rest of us…if he’s comfortable with that.” 

Even though they’d all make his comfort their second priority--his health being their first--Johnny and Ten hoped the same. Little Kun was just too cute to hide away. The boyfriend privileges of being able to even witness Kunnie felt unfair when they considered the rest of the group. There were easily a dozen more littles to play with and a dozen caretakers who’d cuddle him for hours. 

If he’d only give them the chance. 

“We’ll check on him,” Johnny reassured the rapper before the staff could call Taeyong away.

Yet, when they entered the kitchen, only Hendery and Doyoung acknowledged them. 

“Hyung! Ge!” Hendery cheered from one of the counters. “I thought you guys were sleeping through our entire vacation!” Thank goodness it was a spacious kitchen, as the other two idols moved around him. Hendery hadn’t even dropped this morning, but his enthusiasm was so childlike that Ten did a double-take. 

Doyoung snorted before they could defend themselves. “You’re lucky. Had you slept fifteen more minutes, I was going to send Haechan in to tackle you. What did you two even get up to last night that made you sleep in, while your poor boyfriend is here slaving away?”

Kun reluctantly glanced up when the other 96-liner mentioned him. “Good morning,” he mumbled, hardly loud enough for anyone to actually hear. His voice softened even more when Kun returned his attention to the mixing bowl in his hands. “If you’re hungry, I have a fourth batch of pancakes on the stove. Help yourselves.” 

Johnny chuckled and immediately walked forward. “Don’t mind if I do.” 

He didn’t need a clearer invitation, not while Kun was in the kitchen. The three of them had become so used to weaving around each other in their daily lives and routines. The kitchens in their dorms, especially, had seen plenty of stolen kisses and sneaky taste tests whenever Kun cooked in a vain attempt to tune them out. 

Today, however, the kitchen felt far from the safe and happy place Kun usually created. He couldn’t even call it a sanctuary, thanks to the mostly open floor plan and dozens of idols--not to mention camera crew and managers--around them. If anything, Kun had simply backed himself into a corner. 

Johnny noticed it as well, his arms wrapping around the smaller man’s waist. Hugging his two tiny boyfriends was one of his favorite pastimes. He’d squeeze the life out of them until they protested and squealed with laughter, or cling to them like a giant panda. 

But for now, Johnny contented himself with just holding the distant composer. He even resisted the natural urge to rock them back and forth, uncertain how Kun would react after last night. At least Kun seemed to appreciate the grounding embrace, as he instinctively settled against the elder’s chest. 

Johnny leaned over Kun’s shoulder and pecked his lover’s cheek. “You okay, baby?” he whispered. However, Johnny instantly regretted the familiar endearment when he felt Kun tense in his arms. “Sorry, sorry,” he apologized quickly, securing his embrace. He’d deal with the consequences of holding Kun hostage later. “If you don’t want me to call you that anymore, I’ll learn not to. But it’s going to take Ten and me some time to stop saying it, since you’ve always been our baby bear.” 

Kun slowly shook his head. “I don’t want you to stop, unless…unless you guys want to stop us.” 

Ten couldn’t quite hear what Kun said, but he guessed from Johnny’s stiffened shoulders and sorrowful glance over to him that it wasn’t anything good. 

“Doie, can you make sure nothing burns, including the house?” Ten requested. He reached a hand out toward his boyfriends expectantly. “We need to go talk in private.” 

They both had assumed Kun would argue with them, but he just set his bowl down and let them lead him out of the kitchen. Seeing Kun look so defeated was almost worse. Now that he faced them--albeit without making much eye contact--they also noticed the subtle shadows on his face from last night. If they weren’t actively trying to not coddle him, Johnny would have cooed and Ten would have applied cooling patches to his red, swollen eyes. 

But Kun walked after them like he was on his way to get his heart broken. 

“What about me, ge?” Hendery volunteered before they disappeared, bouncing on the counter. 

From Doyoung’s doubtful expression, Ten decided to not make Hendery the other man’s sous chef. “Why don’t you go out there and put on a good show for the cameras? We might take a while, and it would be really helpful if you covered for us.”

Hendery saluted and marched toward the living room, already playing his perfect part. Doyoung, however, smiled sympathetically at the thruple. He had no clue about the subject, but anyone--maybe minus Hendery--could see that their conversation would be serious. 

The trio eventually retreated to the porch outside. A couple of the other members were tossing a football around nearby, but not close enough to intrude. For now at least, the space was entirely theirs. 

Sighing heavily, Kun tucked his legs under him and sat on the wicker loveseat. 

“So…what’s first?” he asked once brave enough to hear the possibility he most feared. 

Ten and Johnny sat across from him on their own chairs, allowing him space but ready to smother him with physical affection at a moment’s notice. 

Johnny answered easily, Kun’s remark in the kitchen still ringing in his ears. 

“First, there’s no way I want us to stop being us,” he stated, his voice kind but firm with finality. “Especially not over something so small.” 

“It’s not small,” Kun mumbled defensively. 

“It is and it isn’t,” Ten mediated between them. “Littlespace is a part of you, Kun. A big, important part that you’ve neglected, at least as long as I’ve known you. But it’s nothing crazy enough for us to ever consider loving you less. I’d understand having this talk if you were, like, part of the Chinese triads. But even then I wouldn’t be shocked. I’d be surprised, but, yeah, it would also make sense because you’re so organized and a great leader with an international group already. I’d still love you and want to date you--I’d probably just tease you less.” 

Kun struggled to comprehend his Thai lover’s explanation, but he did appreciate the outlandish scenario. He needed to laugh, even if it was just under his breath. “What does that have anything to do with me being…the way I am?” he questioned, his timid gaze becoming more puzzled. 

Ten rolled his eyes, because his comparison made perfect sense in his mind. 

“I’m saying that you could do literally almost anything in the world, and I’d still be your gorgeous, occasionally annoying boyfriend. You being little could never change that.” 

Kun bit his bottom lip worriedly. “You’re just saying that. You don’t know how hard it is being around me when I…drop.” 

“But we were with you last night,” Johnny corrected, frowning as he replayed the discovery in his head. “Sure, it hurt to see you hurting, but there’s nothing hard about doting on you. We already do it whenever you let us in your regular headspace. Hell, babying you will probably be a lot easier when you’re little.” 

“That’s not it. When I’m little, I’m really difficult to deal with. It’s my own problem, and I try to not burden other people with it.” 

Ten scoffed and crossed his arms. “With all due respect, we are not ‘other people.’ We are your boyfriends, and we share our problems.”

Kun shook his head again, his frustration growing. He could only warn them so much, without admitting too much. There was a fine line he’d never wanted to cross. 

“But you don’t understand,” he insisted. “If I let myself be little, what will you guys do?” 

Johnny and Ten looked over at each other, perplexed that Kun even had to ask. 

“Well, we’re your boyfriends,” Johnny reminded gently, as if easing Kun into it. “So naturally we’d become your caretakers, if you’d let us.” 

Kun drew in a shaky breath. “That’s what I’m afraid of though. Kunnie--I can’t have caretakers. I’m too difficult. And unless we all agree to pretend like yesterday never happened, I don’t see a solution. I know you guys better than I know myself, and there’s no way you’d only be there for me in my usual headspace. You wouldn’t ignore or avoid me when I’m little.” 

“Of course not,” Ten agreed, a bit dismissive. The other man’s words, while impossible even in a hypothetical situation, still stung. “You don’t stop being Kun when you’re Kunnie. You don’t stop being ours.” 

The Chinese man only pouted, his bottom lip threatening to wobble. “I just don’t want you guys to fall out of love with me because Kunnie makes you dislike me.” 

Johnny leaned forward and rubbed Kun’s knee. Not being able to cuddle or kiss his sadness away was becoming torture. “What’s there to dislike, angel? I know everything happened so fast last night, but it’s safe to say we already adore Kunnie too.”

“Kunnie is basically you now with double the aegyo,” Ten chuckled. “Johnny’s right. Kunnie will probably get away with a lot.” 

For a long moment, Kun simply stared at them. What was he missing? The other two idols talked so easily about the abandoned little, like he wasn’t the source of Kun’s shame. 

Like Kunnie wouldn’t be the reason Kun found himself alone and unloved all over again. 

“Why…how are you both okay with this?” he finally asked, his voice strained in disbelief. 

“I have a better question,” Ten countered, moving to sit beside his Chinese boyfriend. He slid an arm around Kun’s shoulder and pulled the latter in a slightly smaller but equally snug embrace. “How could you ever think we wouldn’t accept this new little part of you?”

“Because…that’s what happened last time.”

Chapter Text

Around them, the rest of the group--and the country--resumed like normal.

Jaehyun tackled Mark while playing football, earning their teams’ cheers or demands for an unbiased referee. 

Yuta found a cat wandering near the steps then followed it aimlessly around the house. 

A couple of the littles picked flowers under their caretakers’ supervision. 

Kun couldn’t decide whom he envied most…but certainly not either of his two lovers. 

It had taken him months to consider their suggestions about dating seriously. Even longer for him to believe the sweet compliments that they liked to tease him with at all hours of the day. Truthfully, Kun guessed that he had only finally relaxed into their relationship over the last couple weeks. 

To his shock, his world hadn’t crumbled last night. There were new cracks in the foundation that he had created himself, but nothing they couldn’t repair. However, Kun couldn’t shake the fear that adding littlespace back into his life would only cause more work than he was worth. 

Johnny and Ten were the best boyfriends imaginable, exceeding any of the JohnKunTen fanfics that the Thai idol frequently shared on the trio’s group chat. 

No doubt they’d be equally perfect as caretakers. Even now, as Kun tried to find his voice despite the childlike desire to whine, they patiently waited for him to explain. After all, they didn’t have any set schedules this week. They could just sit there and stare at him all day. His stubborn, wonderful boyfriends didn’t even have to vocalize the threat because it was naturally a given. 

But Kunnie had already pushed one caretaker in his life away, and he didn’t dare risk it again. 

Collecting his thoughts, Kun twisted first the soulmate ring on his left pinkie then the matching ring on his right. “I’m not giving these back,” he mumbled to neither lover in particular. “If what I say next makes you want to stop loving me, I’m still keeping our rings, even if they just become parting gifts.”

“That’s fine,” Ten agreed with a shrug that jostled Kun as well. “Because we’re not giving you back either. Fair is fair.”

Despite the anxiousness squeezing his heart, Kun rolled his eyes fondly at the smaller man. “Why can’t you be serious?”

“Oh, darling, I’m dead serious,” Ten corrected. He raised his brow, challenging the latter to test him. 

Kun chose the smartest option and looked over at Johnny instead. 

Of course, he should have known better than to think Johnny would surrender so easily. “You’re speaking about impossible situations again,” he reminded gently. “But we’ll play along if it makes you feel better. You won’t give back the rings or our hearts. Deal.” 

Kun lied every time he said that he hated when they outnumbered him. Some days he needed other people to take charge and take over responsibilities, let his brain just turn off. It wasn’t much, but most times it was the closest he could get to dropping.

At least, until now. 

Drawing in a deep breath, Kun shakily recounted why he had stopped being little. 

“A couple years before I joined SM, I was a trainee at a new company several hours from my hometown,” he began, pausing briefly. He couldn’t remember the last time he had thought about the other company, purposefully keeping that phase of his life buried in the back of his mind. The happy memories during it were few and far between. 

“There were about twenty trainees all together, but only three of them…us…were littles. Since I was one of the older boys there too, I tried to watch out for them when they dropped. Most of the other trainees were still too young to be real caretakers or preferred being neutral.”

Ten hadn’t stopped cuddling his Chinese boyfriend for a moment, his fingers turning numb from all the circles they soothingly drew into Kun’s skin. 

“I’m not surprised you were basically a leader then too,” Ten interrupted proudly. He guessed that Kun needed a moment to relax, tension rolling off his rigid shoulders in waves. Fortunately, Ten was more than happy and willing to praise him until Kun was ready to continue. “No wonder you were such a good parent to the Dreamies and Rookies even before you debuted. You had plenty of practice already.”

A small smile tugged at Kun’s mouth as he remembered his SM Rookies era. They had been difficult for completely different reasons, like constantly having to prove he could make a name for himself in an unforgiving entertainment industry. However, he cherished the countless days of making traditional meals for the younger boys when they were homesick and tending to them when they were ill. Even as a little deep down, he possessed natural qualities that had made him so believable as a caretaker. 

“What about you, love?” Johnny coaxed, struggling to match the younger man’s weak smile. “If you took care of the younger littles, then who took care of Kunnie?”

Kun chewed on his bottom lip, the silence giving him a little more time to decide how much to reveal. He had never told another person about his failure as a little. Usually, Kun did everything to even avoid thinking about it. 

When he spoke again, his bitten lip had become as swollen as his teary eyes. “There was a vocal trainer in his early twenties,” Kun admitted, his cheeks flushed with shame. “His name was Yichen. I really admired his talent and dedication, and I liked that he spent so much extra time with me. It made me feel special, since no one ever acted like my singing was worth developing. Eventually our professional relationship became more personal, and we got really close. I didn’t think anything about our age gap then, because I was already one of the older trainees and he felt more like a friend than a mentor. Then he asked if he could be my caretaker, and…and I ruined everything.” 

Kun choked on the final few words as he tried to swallow down the urge to cry. Blinking back unshed tears, he pulled his hand out of Ten’s grasp to roughly rub his eyes. It didn’t last for long though, before both of his boyfriends claimed a hand.

Kun hadn’t even heard Johnny move. Yet, the next time he looked up, he found Johnny kneeling in front of him. “It’s okay, angel,” he whispered, bringing his lips to Kun’s wrist. “You’re safe now. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

The former shook his head to argue, only for Ten to tsk and scold him. “Whatever happened to you was completely his fault, love. Not yours.”

“Everything was fine at first,” Kun hurried before either idol could assume the worst. “We were actually good at being boyfriends, as long as I was just me. As long as I was Kun. But when he started taking care of Kunnie too, he hated me. He had so many rules, too many for Kunnie to remember. And every time Kunnie broke one, the angrier Yichen got. Kunnie wasn’t always this bad, but I could never do what Yichen wanted the way he wanted it. He said the trouble I put him through as a caretaker wasn’t worth all the fun of dating.”

Johnny leaned his head on Kun’s knee and sighed. He needed every spare second to compose himself, lest his sensitive lover thought Johnny’s anger was directed toward him. “If he couldn’t handle you as a little, then he didn’t deserve to be with you in any capacity.”

“He sounds like a horrible boyfriend and caretaker,” Ten huffed. Unlike Johnny, he didn’t bother hiding his disgust. “Kun, he was your senior, and he was supposed to do his job…not break your heart. You said it was his idea to become your caretaker, but it sounds like he only made you miserable. He ruined everything. Not you.”

Kun quickly shook his head, unconvinced. “But none of the other littles were bad for him, just Kunnie. He told me that all the time.”

“How were you bad, angel?” Johnny questioned, unable to imagine any version of Kun purposefully breaking a rule. Besides, the littles in NCT only had two rules: be nice to each other and stay in a caretaker’s sight at all times. At most, breaking either rule only ever resulted in the world’s shortest timeout or a gentle lecture. 

But the more rules Kun recalled, the more violent his body began to tremble. 

“I cried…a lot,” he sniffled, sounding more like the forbidden little. “When I was hurt or sick or scared…Kunnie always cried. Yichen hated it. He said I was a little, not a baby, and he wouldn’t acknowledge me until I stopped crying. Sometimes he’d ignore me all day. Then when I was happy, he said I was too loud. I really didn’t mean to be loud, but I’d get so excited when he played a game with me or we watched a funny cartoon.”

Ten clutched his own chest with his free hand, certain his heart was breaking on the elder’s behalf. “Darling, no…just no. That’s not fair to you. Littlespace is supposed to be a safe place for you to express everything you feel.”

“But Kunnie couldn’t do anything right,” Kun insisted. “It got so bad that Yichen had to start punishing me. He didn’t want to, but I made him. Kunnie was just so bad.” 

Johnny knew he’d regret his next words, but they needed to be asked. “How, love?” he encouraged, clinging to the last remnants of his patience like a loose thread. “How’d he punish you? What did he do?”

“Timeouts at first,” Kun confessed. Johnny held his breath, fearing the worst was far from over. “Kunnie doesn’t like the dark, but Yichen would lock me in one of the supply closets. I always cried more from it, and that made my punishments longer…a few times overnight. But when he was really upset with me, he’d hit me with his belt. He made sure to never hit me where any of the other trainers would see, but he always said it didn’t matter. ‘Bad littles deserve punishments, not love.’ When I wasn’t little but still in trouble, he made me write that out at least a hundred times. I must have written it in a million pages, but Kunnie never learned.”

They sat in silence for a moment, until Kun worked up the courage to meet Ten’s gaze. He pulled back, startled to find tears in the dancer’s eyes as well. “Why are you crying?”

Ten swallowed hard, but his throat still felt raw when he spoke. “Because he hurt you, love. He hurt you when you were little. That’s inexcusable.” 

“But had Kunnie just been better,” Kun reasoned pitifully. “Had I been better…”

“No.” Johnny denied any attempt at making Kun’s first caretaker sound less like a monster. “Ten’s right. There’s no justifying how he controlled and abused you after making you rely on him.” 

“Come here,” Ten pleaded, immediately pulling his Chinese boyfriend into a smothering embrace. Johnny followed and sat on the edge of the loveseat. “You couldn’t be better, because you’re already perfect. He didn’t deserve you, love. Not for one second. He was so cruel to you, and I hate that you had to spend even one day with him. But you’re ours now, and you will never have to go through something like that again.” 

“We’ll spend the rest of our lives showing you how you’re supposed to be treated,” Johnny promised. He kissed every inch of skin he could reach, which wasn’t much considering Ten’s tight hold. When he ran out, Johnny moved to kissing the individual strands of Kun’s hair. “Both as your boyfriends and your caretakers, if you’ll have us.” 

“Please, baobei,” Ten urged, cupping the vocalist’s face to see his own pain reflected threefold in Kun’s eyes. “Let us show you all the love you deserve and all the love you’ve already missed.”

Kun laid his head in the other’s hands, appreciative of the cool touch against his feverish cheek. And when his tears rolled down Ten’s fingers, the latter stroked underneath his damp lashes. Dropping then crying then crying enough to make himself unwell had not been part of his plans for their week-long trip. Yet, despite all the chaos, his lovers’ presence remained constant. They were the one area in his life that he could depend on…even after giving them an out. 

Once Kun decided he could speak again without sobbing, his words were no louder than a whisper. “I just don’t want to lose you,” he admitted finally, fresh tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. His trembling pout gradually morphed into a grateful smile when Johnny kissed them before they could fall. 

“You won’t,” the elder swore, his voice and lips alike as soft as a summer cloud. 

“Not you,” Ten agreed easily. “Or Kunnie. You’ll always have us, for as long as you let us love you too.” 

“You’ve kept this big secret and all this pain to yourself for so long, sweetheart,” the tall idol continued. His chest tightened the more Johnny imagined how isolated and rejected his sweet, selfless boyfriend must have felt. Even if Kun looked fine on the outside, no doubt there were still neglected scars on his heart. “Now it’s time to let it all go…time to start healing. Let us help you do that.”

Kun struggled through his breathless reply, but they understood exactly what he meant. “Thank…thank you. I love…love you both so much.” 

“We love you too, angel,” Ten cooed. 

“So much,” Johnny emphasized, before pulling his Chinese boyfriend into a proper kiss. He only stopped when it was Ten’s turn again, although the dancer didn’t possess the same interest in sharing the man between them. 

And since they still struggled to share Kun after all this time…surely Kunnie wouldn’t know what to do with their undivided attention.