Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Denji knows he’s an idiot.

He also knows that everyone thinks he's an idiot too. Yoshida definitely does. Yoshida definitely doesn't like him.

The thought of that makes him upset.

Why shouldn't Yoshida like him? He's Chainsaw Man. He's cool and he's… well, he's Chainsaw Man. That should be reason enough.

But whenever Denji talks to Yoshida, he gets the sneaking suspicion that Yoshida doesn't like him. Doesn't respect him. Thinks he's worth nothing more than gum underneath his shoe. He feels like a plaything, like a bug under a micro.. whatever that thing is that they use in science class to look at stuff up close.

Point is, Yoshida does not like Denji, Denji has decided.

Denji doesn't like Yoshida either. Yoshida is too tall, too well-liked by girls, always in his business, always following Denji around, and always ruining his fun. Denji doesn't care that Yoshida takes Denji out to dinner sometimes. He doesn't care that Yoshida checks to make sure he enters his apartment before leaving to go to his. He doesn't care that Yoshida waits for him to wake up and exit his apartment in the mornings so that Denji can walk to school while Yoshida follows at a respectable one meter away. He doesn’t care at all. He doesn't.

Because Yoshida doesn't like him anyways.

---

Denji does like Yoshida, unfortunately.

He finds this out on a crisp Friday morning when Yoshida gets a bit too close while teasing Denji and Denji can smell his detergent, and surprises himself with the sudden urge to push his face closer. To get closer. To meld himself to Yoshida's side and ward off anyone who tries to take him away.

He immediately backs away because "What the fuck, man, get the hell away from me." But he thinks about it all day. He thinks about it so much that when they walk home that day, Yoshida quietly asks him if he's okay. Yoshida's observant. Yoshida knows that Denji has been oddly quiet all day, oddly subdued, oddly… Not Denji. And it is his job to make sure Denji has a peaceful life. It is his job to rid Denji of any worries that he has and grant all his wishes.

Denji brushes it off by saying he has a plan he's been working on to get all the girls to notice him at school. That's half true because Denji knows he still likes girls. He knows by how his heart beats when one of the girls comes close to him at school. When one of the girls smiles and they look so pretty and Denji just wants . When they walk by and they look so good and Denji just wants , so badly.

But he also realizes that when he looks at Yoshida, he wants . And that's new. That's something he hasn't heard of before. Is it okay to like women and men? He's never really thought about both being an option, and he's never considered it because no boy his age has ever even really come close to him or cared about him at all.

Neither has Yoshida, because Denji would be a real idiot if he believed that Yoshida cared. But Denji is greedy. Always has been, always will be. And if given an inch, he'll take the whole mile with it.

So Denji wants .

That Friday afternoon, Denji boots up the computer Aki left behind. He wishes he could ask Aki questions like these. He wishes he had someone to ask questions like these to. But he doesn’t. All he has is his limited knowledge of life in society while on the outskirts of society and his own both limited and bad experiences with attraction. So he pulls up a search engine, and tentatively types in:

"can you lyke both men and wimen?"

The search engine automatically corrects his query and Denji learns some new words. He also learned the word "bisexual", which means "a person who is sexually or romantically attracted to people of two or more genders". Denji's not sure what gender means either, so he looks that up too. Gender can mean "the concept or system of categories such as male and female".

So that clears that up.

And from the pages upon pages of more results, it seems like this isn't exactly a new thing.

So Denji sighs a breath of relief, and then immediately feels gutted.

Because Yoshida doesn't like Denji. But Denji likes Yoshida.

Maybe Denji can like Yoshida, but would Yoshida be okay with it? Would Yoshida still want to be around him after? Would Yoshida treat him differently?

Denji does his best to read up on the experience of other bisexuals (because that's what he is now right? a fellow bisexual) and it seems they have had varying levels of success in romance due to a variety of reasons. Denji is super new to this bisexual thing, and he knows he's a little fucked up. Heterosexuals (another word Denji learned. That's what he used to think he was) seem to have it so much easier, and even when Denji was one, he still didn't have any luck in the romance department. So there's definitely no way Yoshida (handsome, tall, and popular Yoshida who doesn't like Denji and thinks he's an idiot) would want to be with him. No way at all.

So, now faced with the dilemma of having a crush (a terrible, no good very bad crush) on the worst person he could have a crush on, Denji decides that he should avoid Yoshida. Maybe if he avoids him, this crush will go away. Or maybe if he stops talking to Yoshida about anything and everything and also absolutely nothing, Yoshida might like him more. Maybe, if Yoshida likes guys at all, maybe he likes quiet boys. Maybe he likes boys that are smart. Maybe he likes boys that can read. Maybe he likes boys that aren't completely fucked up the way Denji is. It's worth a shot, in Denji's eyes. He doesn't know how to talk to Yoshida now anyways since he has a crush for perhaps the third time in his life, and he knows he can't make it known the way he could with… her and Reze. Yoshida might not like it, and as pathetic as it is, Denji can't risk the closest thing he's had to a friend since…

Maybe he can find another boy or girl to like. Maybe if he finds someone else and they're not as risky, he and Yoshida can go back to being the disdained and the disdainful (Denji learned that word after Kishibe explained that some people still dislike Chainsaw Man even after all that he's done. Denji doesn't care though, because those people are losers, as far as he knows).

That next Monday, Denji decides to skip school and go to a nearby park. He doesn't have any friends who care about him like that and the teachers, though mildly sympathetic, don't really care if he falls through the cracks. He knows he's hard to manage and hard to teach (they've told him so), so he can't really blame them. He also knows that Yoshida has finals coming up and that Yoshida is studious. He might follow Denji to see if he's okay, but he'll leave for school after Denji does nothing but sit on a bench for an hour in the early morning. Denji's sure of it.

What he doesn't expect is to be approached by a student from another school who's probably also skipping, judging by the disheveled school uniform.

"Hey," he says, standing over Denji, who has to squint to look at him because the sun behind the boy gets in his eyes. "You skipping, too?"

Denji is just barely able to make out the sun-kissed skin and long white-blonde hair of the kid as he replies, "Yeah, dude. Leave me alone," and goes back to closing his eyes.

There's a pause before the guy speaks again. "Wanna hang out?"

This time, Denji sits up to really look at him, and is then taken aback by how handsome he is. The white-ish blonde hair, the sun-kissed skin, the lip ring, the curious brown eyes, and the self-assured, confident smile knocks him on his ass mentally and Denji, distantly, thinks ' I do like men, huh .'

Instead of saying that though, he says, doing his best not to stumble over his words, "Why would I want to do that? " What would this guy gain from hanging out with Denji? Denji knows he's cool, but that's mostly because he's Chainsaw Man. This guy doesn't know he's Chainsaw Man. This guy doesn't even know Denji. But once he does, he probably won't want to hang out, the same way no one at school wants to hang out.

"I dunno, you seem interesting, and I'm bored. None of my other friends wanted to skip with me, and you don't seem to be doing anything, so hang out with me. We can go to any arcade or something," the guy says. Denji hums and thinks about it. If it's another person trying to kill him, he could just kill this guy back. And he doesn't feel like just sitting around for another few hours so, he makes his decision.

"Alright… but you're paying for the arcade tickets, since you wanna hang out so bad," he says as he gets up. The guy is taller than him. 'Why is everyone taller than him' , he frowns unconsciously. Opposite to him, the guy grins a huge smile (in Denji's own opinion. It is a very nice smile) like he's won something and Denji has to fight to keep a blush back. (' I'm bisexual for real , for real, oh that's crazy…')

"Fine with me! My name's Tatsuya, by the way," the guy offers his hand for a handshake, and Denji stares at it for a minute before reluctantly shaking it.

"Denji," is all he says, and before he knows it, he's being led off to an arcade.

---

The hangout was nice. Tatsuya was so nice. Too nice. Denji doesn't really trust it. But he had fun, so he'd do it again if he could. And when they leave the arcade and get boba together, Tatsuya asks if they can do this again. Against his better judgment and instinct, Denji says yes. The worst that could happen is that he dies again, but that's an easy fix (most of the time). And Denji likes being treated like he's worthy of attention. Like he's actually funny and cool and interesting the way he thinks he is instead of the way everyone thinks he isn't. He likes that when he speaks, Tatsuya leans closer to hear him, and his eyes don't leave his face, like he actually cares about Denji's opinion. It's really nice. Too nice.

But Denji is greedy, and he says yes. 

Maybe if they hang out more, Denji can get over his crush on Yoshida. Maybe he can introduce Yoshida to Tatsuya, and they can become a weird sorta kinda friend group. Denji would love to have one of those again.

And when Tatsuya's eyes light up when Denji agrees, he thinks (hopes) he made the right choice.

---

The next time Denji sees Yoshida, it's on that same Monday afternoon, walking home. Yoshida comes close out of literally nowhere, and asks, "Why didn't you go to school today?"

He looks tense, and his black-hole-of-nothingness eyes seem to be upset.

Denji steps back because being this close is dangerous for him, if the way his heart immediately picks up speed is any sign. "I just… I just didn't feel like it. Why do you care?" He grumbles as he walks off, because what does Yoshida care?

He gets a couple of feet away before Yoshida speaks again. "I saw you. With that guy. Who is he?" He sounds irritated. Maybe upset. Denji literally could not imagine why, since he stayed out of trouble and didn't even try to tell Tatsuya he was Chainsaw Man. In fact, he was very well-behaved.

"Again, why the fuck do you care ?" Denji continued to walk home. "Why don't you mind your business, man. And go away while you're at it." Denji is still avoiding him, after all.

When Yoshida speaks again, he's way too close to Denji's ear for comfort. "You are my business. Your life is my business. What's wrong? Why are you pushing me away? Why have you been avoiding me all weekend? Did something happen?" The questions fire off and halfway through them, Denji turns quickly and angrily to get a good look at Yoshida, who has the nerve to look both pissed and hurt, for whatever reason. He doesn't get to sound hurt that Denji doesn't want to be around him. He doesn't want to be around Denji. He doesn't even like Denji.

And he says so. "Yoshida," he snarls, and that gets the other boy to back off a little in surprise. "You don't even like me. This is just your job , asshole. As long as I'm alive it's all good, right? As long as no one knows I'm Chainsaw Man it's, okay? I didn't tell anyone I was him today, I was perfectly well fucking behaved, man, so back off , dickhead." He's heaving by the time he's done, and he feels like he's said entirely too much. He sounded too bitter, sounded too upset, and he needs to leave . So he turns on his heel as quickly as he can and tries to hurry off, until:

"Who said I don't like you?"

Chapter Text

Denji is an idiot, and Yoshida likes him so badly.

He's brash and vulgar and illiterate and stupid. He's goofy and arrogant and girl-crazy and he's eating up all of Yoshida's paychecks and he knows he's never getting paid back.

But Yoshida doesn't care , because he likes Denji so, so much. He likes his stupid smile, his stupid kindness, his stupid empathy, and the fact that despite everything that's been thrown at him and losing everything he had since the last time Yoshida saw him, he's still him . Well, mostly. He's still boisterous and loud and abrasive. He still smiles that irritatingly wide, sharp, and almost (read: very) attractive smile at Yoshida every day, going on and on about anything and everything and absolutely nothing . And Yoshida enjoys every second of it.

And then, seemingly overnight, Denji begins to avoid him. Usually, on Saturday and Sunday, Yoshida will make Denji come out with him, on the promise of a meal and a familiar face (Yoshida's) for him to talk to. And Yoshida will pretend not to care while meticulously filing away every new expression he finds on Denji's face, and trying to guess every familiar one before Denji makes his mood known through his voice. He files away every quirk, every like, every dislike, every little thing that he can because Denji is so interesting , and Yoshida simply can't get enough.

He knows that Denji likes: women, food, and being Chainsaw Man. He also knows that Denji dislikes: men, Yoshida, and not being able to tell everyone that he's Chainsaw Man. So Yoshida acquaints himself with the concept of only ever being able to watch and not touch. That every fantasy he has of sweeping Denji into his arms and kissing him stupid until he can longer string his usually nonsensical and (unfortunately) deeply endearing words together will never be a reality. That he won't be able to hold Denji's hand, because although Denji craves attention and affection, it's most definitely not something he wants from Yoshida, painful as that is to admit. Yoshida is a perfectly fine placeholder for receiving the attention he wants, but he knows that Denji doesn't want him . And Yoshida is fine with that. As long as he gets to be a placeholder at all.

But Denji's avoiding him. Denji skips school. Denji accepts an invitation to go to an arcade with some guy that neither has ever seen before. Denji hangs out with him and smiles and laughs and grins and has fun and Yoshida is crumbling because that's supposed to be him . He's the one that's supposed to be hearing all of Denji's little stories and bad jokes. He's the one that should be able to get that close to Denji without the other backing away like he's been burned. He's the one that should be taking Denji out for drinks and asking him out for another date and getting an unreasonably cute and shy yes . That's supposed to be him .

But he can't ruin this for Denji. He knows he's Denji's only kinda friend, and he's selfish, but not that selfish. So he seethes in anger and he watches, out of sight, while someone else takes his spot and does all the things that he wants to do.

And when he follows Denji home and tries to talk to him and Denji acts like he wants nothing to do with him, he feels his heart sink to the pits of the ocean because why. Why can't he be what Denji wants? If not as a partner, why can't he be good enough to be a friend? Why doesn't Denji want him? Why is Denji avoiding him? Why won't Denji tell him what he did wrong? Why does he think that Yoshida wouldn't care ? Yoshida cares so goddamn much that it's the only thing he's been able to think about all day. It's the only thing that's been on his mind for hours .

Why does Denji think Yoshida doesn't like him? Why does he sound so bitter and angry when he says it? Why is he so angry at Yoshida? Why would Denji think that Yoshida, who is head over heels and weak in the knees at the thought of a simple kiss on the cheek from him, doesn’t like him ?

“Who said I don’t like you?” is out of his mouth before he can take it back. Embarrassment and shame wash over him, because Denji freezes. And Yoshida knows he can’t blow that statement off. It was too emotional, way too charged for Yoshida to mean it like he just likes Denji as a friend.

And when Denji turns around and his eyebrows are nearly melded together in deep confusion, Yoshida knows he can’t take his words back. Because he wants Denji to know. He wants him to know how he feels. He wants to show Denji that he’s better than that other guy and that Yoshida is the only one Denji needs. 

“What?” Denji squints, as if deeply confused by the fact that Yoshida would say such a thing, and Yoshida knows now that Denji has to know. He’s acting as if he doesn’t know that Yoshida would do anything for him to smile, anything for Denji to be happy. Why doesn’t Denji know ?

“I like you plenty,” is what he says, because as passionately as he feels, the words “I want you so bad I want to be with you so bad I’m in agony and I despise the thought of you with anyone else and I want to keep you in all your wonderful glory all to myself because no one deserves to see all that you are but me, ” seems to be a bit much for the situation and for Denji to handle right now. After all, Denji doesn’t like guys, and Denji especially doesn’t like Yoshida.

But Denji looks hopeful and says “Really?” as if he would like nothing more than for Yoshida to like him. Like Yoshida’s opinion of him matters. 

Yoshida nods, because he’s feeling much too intensely and he really doesn’t want to say too much. After a moment, he’s able to manage “Of course. What isn’t there to like?”

Denji purses his lips like he’s about to disagree and then shakes his head quickly and looks down. “It’s not enough.”

Yoshida’s floored. What more could Denji want? He has all of Yoshida’s devotion and adoration and attention, what more does Yoshida have left to give? He licks his lips nervously. “What do you mean?”

“I-” Denji hesitates, looking up, and then looking back down just as quickly. “You… You don’t like guys, Yoshida, but I do. And- fuck, this sucks. I didn’t even want to tell you this. You should leave me alone, or stalk me from a distance, whatever, I don’t give a fuck. Just… leave me alone.”

Denji likes guys. Denji likes guys. Denji likes guys. And Denji likes Yoshida . This is a new development that came out of left field but Yoshida will be damned before he lets Denji run off, because Denji likes guys , and Denji likes Yoshida , which means Denji is just as much his as Yoshida is Denji’s. 

So he grabs Denji’s wrist before he can speed off like he’d been gearing up to, and Yoshida is too breathless to say anything, so he kisses the living daylights out of Yoshida and hopes that his feelings of adoration and devotion come across.

Denji makes a sound of surprise as if reciprocation had never even been an option for him, which is crazy.

Denji is still an idiot , and Yoshida likes him so bad .

When they separate, Denji looks about as dazed as Yoshida feels. “You… you like me? Fuck, dude, that’s really gay. Extremely homosexual.”

Yoshida frowned. “You kissed me back, dude. That means you’re gay too.”

“I’m bisexual, actually,” Denji sounds out the word like it's new to him. “I learned that this weekend.”

“Oh,” Yoshida says simply, because it’s just now hitting him that all his fantasies of hugging and holding and kissing and… other things, can happen. Denji is his, Denji like’s him, Denji wants him. “Well, that’s good, then.” And he pulls Denji in for another kiss, because he can, because he wants to, because Denji clearly wants to because it’s all he’s dreamed of for several months now.

Denji is an idiot, and Denji like Yoshida, and Yoshida likes him so, so bad .