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1. SR_GhostDreams on Chapter 1 Thu 17 Nov 2022 09:39PM UTC

   

   This is a good concept, can’t wait to read.

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2. Doobie Wah (Guest) on Chapter 1 Thu 17 Nov 2022 11:54PM UTC

   You teased me Damn it! But to be real I can't wait for this and how the story comes out!!!!

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3. 1. Greensoul404 on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Nov 2022 05:31AM UTC

      

      i'm sorry TwT its posted now

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4. Dkyrus on Chapter 1 Fri 18 Nov 2022 01:07AM UTC

   

   Heck yeah I love those tags too cant wait to see the humans be kickass too

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5. RDM (Guest) on Chapter 1 Fri 18 Nov 2022 02:21AM UTC

   I'm going to be checking this as often as possible to see the first chapter when it comes out. I took have seen the humans are weird posts and I want to see this happen in transformers.

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6. 1. Greensoul404 on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Nov 2022 05:32AM UTC

      

      Check again uwu

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   2. 1. RDM (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Nov 2022 06:47PM UTC

         HOLY FUCK THIS IS BETTER THAN I IMAGINED!!!! WAY TO GO!

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7. the_moth_on_your_ceiling on Chapter 1 Fri 18 Nov 2022 02:50PM UTC

   

   I'm interested!

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8. janepixx on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Nov 2022 09:40AM UTC

   

   Hey, uh, have you thought about having a beta reader? I think the premise for your story is cool, but there are some problems with the formatting of the text that I think can be improved a bit. They can also correct any grammatical mistakes in the text for you, since you have dyslexia. There is also some criticism I personally have for the first chapter. I can import it here, if you want to.

   Last Edited Sat 19 Nov 2022 10:58AM UTC

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9. 1. Greensoul404 on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Nov 2022 08:31PM UTC

      

      Hello Janepixx, due to unnamed circumstances I wanted to have a beta reader but had no idea how to get one. Not to mention this is my first post to ao3 so I don't completely know how to format a fic. If you are offering to essentially be my beta reader I would immensely appreciate it, like you have no idea. If you have the time of course I would love to see the improvements you have for this chapter.

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   2. 1. janepixx on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Nov 2022 08:39PM UTC

         

         Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t think I will be a good beta reader. I only read fan fictions and have never been a beta reader, so sorry, that wasn’t really an offer. I wrote down the criticism because the premise of your story really intrigues me, but yeah, it is somewhat obvious this is your first fan fiction. I’ll try to import my criticism here as soon as I can for you to read, maybe it will be helpful. On the side note, have you thought about reading or watching about writing advices? Again, I’m not a beta reader nor a writer, so I think other people will be better at explaining on how to improve your writing.

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      2. 1. Greensoul404 on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Nov 2022 08:47PM UTC

            

            sorry I got the wrong idea, looking through I can definitely see the mistakes. I will make sure to look at "writing advices" in the future and will be happy with the criticism you have for this chapter alone. I hope you enjoy the writing I will provide in the future :)

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         2. 1. janepixx on Chapter 1 Sun 20 Nov 2022 09:59AM UTC

               

               Okay, so, before I start, I want to clarify that this isn’t a correction of every single mistake in the text, but more of a critique of general mistakes I found that will impact your writing in the future. Also, this is part 1, since not everything will fit into one comment.

               First of all, the formatting of the dialog needs to change. It’s a bit hard to read it, since it goes like this:

               “First sentence.” “Second sentence.” “Next sentence.”
               It’s hard to read, because it’s a bit difficult to see where the previous sentence ends and when the next one starts. Try to write them separately, like this:

               “First sentence.”

               “Second sentence.”

               “Third sentence.”

               It will help the reader to better see each dialogue clearly.

               There are some other issues I see with the dialogue. Example of this is at the beginning:

               “No,” said Jack “I’m not going to the dance,”

               There is really no need for “he said” in the middle of a sentence like this. It could have easily been written as:

               “No, I’m not.”

               There is also no need for him to repeat the “going to the dance” thing. It’s hard to explain (English isn’t my first language), but I’ll try. His mother already asked him if he’s going to the dance. In this case, Jack doesn’t need to repeat what his mother suggested to him, because we, as a reader, already know what the action is. People rarely talk like that, especially teenagers. It seems a little too… official? Idk, it seems like something taken out of the English grammar book for children. The reason this line worked in the animated series is because we don’t hear Jack’s mom on the phone, so we have to guess what she says based on Jack’s replies. But since you wrote her lines, there is no need for characters to repeat what others say like parrots. Otherwise it would look like this:

               “Hey, are you going to the school party tomorrow?”

               “No, I’m not going to the school party tomorrow.”

               “Do you mind if I open a window?”

               “Yes, I do mind if you open a window.”

               See? This dialogue is too stiff, it seems almost artificial. I would recommend avoiding phrasing like this in the future.

               Another issue I have with the dialogue is the constant ‘he/she said’. There are many other words that can replace them and add more meaning to how characters say their phrases. Those are known as dialogue tags, a group of words following quoted speech (e.g. ‘she said’). Their purpose is to identify who spoke and what emotion they put behind their speech. It’s important, since those tags can convey:

               -Volume (e.g. yelled, shouted, screamed, whispered)

               -Tone (e.g. shrieked, groaned, squeaked)

               -Emotion (e.g. grumbled, snapped, sneered, begged)

               -Intent (e.g. suggested, asked, demanded)

               These tags are more preferable in the text, as they convey a wider variety of emotions from characters than simple ‘he/she said’. Now, it doesn’t mean you should stop using such simple tags completely. You don’t need to always over complicate your dialogue with characters' emotions. But the ‘he/she said’ can become too stilted when overused. So there are some tips on how to use them. Now, I will use some examples from the internet, as there is a lot of advice on how to write dialogues.

               The first advice is to use dialogue tags sparingly. The more you use ‘he said’ and ‘she said’, the more the reader’s aware of the writer creating a dialogue. It reminds the reader a narrative convention is being used. Here are some examples from the internet:

               “I told you already,” I said, glaring.

               “Well I wasn’t listening, was I!” he said.

               “Apparently not,” he replied.

               And compare this to the following:

               I glared at him. “I told you already.”

               “Well I wasn’t listening, was I!”

               “Apparently not.”

               I think you see which example is objectively better here. Firstly, making glaring an action and not tethering it to the dialogue gives a stronger sense of the scene.

               Secondly, since we know the glaring person is speaking first, there is no need to add ‘I said’. The strength of the exclamation mark in the second character’s reply makes any dialogue tag showing emotion (e.g. ‘he snapped’) unnecessary. Because it’s on a new line, and responds to what the other said, we know it’s a reply from context.

               Similarly, in the first speaker’s retort, we don’t need a tag telling us his tone (that it’s curt, sarcastic, or hostile). The brevity, the fact it’s only two words, conveys his tone. We can infer the character is still mad.
               Using tags sparingly allows your reader the pleasure of inferring and imagining. The reader gets to fill in the blank spaces, prompted more subtly by the clues you leave (an exclamation mark or a pointed, cross remark).

               The second advice would be to use said and other tags only when necessary. As stated earlier, words like ‘said’ or ‘asked’ do not convey the emotions of your characters. In conversation between characters, alternatives for said can tell the reader:

               -The individual emotional or mental states of the conversants

               -The degree of conflict or ease in the conversation

               -What the relationship is like between characters (for example, if one character always snaps at the other this will show that the character is short-tempered and perhaps unkind towards the other)

               Again, there are many other alternatives you can use, for example:

               Shouted, bellowed, yelled, snapped, cautioned, rebuked for anger. Whispered, stuttered, stammered, gasped, urged, hissed, babbled, blurted for fear. Cried, mumbled, sobbed, sighed, lamented for sadness. Related, recounted, continued, emphasized, remembered, recalled, resumed, concluded for storytelling.

               Despite there being many other words for said, remember to use dialogue tags and ‘said’ synonyms only where necessary:

               -Is it clear who’s speaking? (E.g. There are only two characters in the scene and the first to speak is clear). If yes, you don’t need a tag

               -Too many tags make your dialogue start to feel like a compendium of emotive speech-verbs. Use colorful dialogue tags occasionally, for emphasis. They’re the salt and spice in dialogue, not the whole meal

               -Use emotive dialogue tags for the peaks and valleys of a scene. If a character screams or declares every line, your reader may become irritated by the constant visibility of the author’s hand.

               There are some examples in your text that could benefit from them. Like in the scene here:

               "W-what are they," Raf asked, his voice timid,

               You can get rid of ‘asked’ and put ‘stuttered’ instead. So, something like:

               “What are they?” Raf stuttered.

               Or in the next scene you wrote this:

               "Leave him alone," the gun was then aimed at the two boys. "Please."

               It should be that Raf shouted to get con’s attention, but the text doesn’t indicate that.

               “Leave him alone!” immediately then the gun was pointed at the two boys. “Please?” Raf’s voice wavered.

               Or this right here:

               "Don't look back, " Jack said Raf now leaning against him, "What did we just see," "No idea and I'm not sure I wanna find out."

               Again, the text can benefit a lot from dialogue tags and a little bit of action.

               “Don’t look back,” Jack urged Raf, who leaned against him.

               “What did we just see?” the panic in the young boy’s voice was apparent. It made Jack all the more determined to get out of here as fast as possible.

               “No idea. And I’m not sure I wanna find out.”

               The final advice regarding tags showing how people speak using action and gesture. There are some good examples in your text like this:

               "Would you just get to the point already?" Arcee glared at the grumpy medic before seeing Optimus silently urging her to continue.

               But unfortunately not enough to create a feeling that characters are doing something and not just stand around stiffly and just talk. Your characters do have bodies, so don't be afraid to use them! Here’s another example I took from the Internet:

               "What’s for dinner tonight?" he said.

               "What do you feel like fixing?" she said

               "It’s not my turn to cook."

               "Yes, it is. It’s Friday. Friday is always your day."

               "No, Saturday is my day. Friday is your day."

               "Seriously?" she said. "We’ve been together for 3 years, and you always cook on Fridays."

               It’s not bad, but it still leaves a lot to be desired, isn’t it? The next bit of advice will liven up any dialogue without overusing dialogue tags.

               "What’s for dinner tonight?" he said as he sat down at the table.

               She put her finger in her book and closed the cover. "What do you feel like fixing?"

               "It’s not my turn to cook."

               "Yes, it is. It’s Friday." She pointed to the calendar hanging on the refrigerator. "Friday is always your day."

               He got up to stand in front of the calendar. "No, Saturday is my day. Friday is your day."

               "Seriously?" She rolled her eyes. "We’ve been together for 3 years, and you always cook on Fridays."

               This scene tells a lot about the characters. He’s looking at the calendar, but she’s back there rolling her eyes. It seems she’s more than a little annoyed at him for some reason. Now your reader wants to know more about these characters, because you introduced some tension between them. It’s obvious the characters are about to argue, but we don’t know about what yet. It’s certainly more than whose turn it is to cook dinner.

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            2. 1. janepixx on Chapter 1 Sun 20 Nov 2022 10:01AM UTC

                  

                  This is part 2, as my critique couldn't fit into one comment.
                  This is it for tag advice. The other problem I saw in your writing is to just write the effects instead of describing them. Like in here:

                  "*huff* You have no idea,"

                  *POWOOSH* *CRASH*

                  *GASP*

                  This is simply not good writing. Those kind of this only work in comics, since it’s a visual media, and adding some cool effects like *BAM* or *WHOOSH* only adds the dramatic effect. But writing is a completely different type of media. It is all about the description, and the better you describe, the more clearly your readers will see the picture. My advice - don’t write like this in the future. I’ll try to write an example of how you could have described those scenes instead.

                  Firstly, is the scene when Jack and Raf meet for the first time.

                  Until he heard something above him. An older boy on a blue motorcycle landed in front of him, "Whoa." A closer look and he saw it was Jack from school.
                  "*huff* You have no idea," slowly he got off the bike and backed up a couple of steps before hearing the hum of an engine above.
                  If I was writing this scene, I would make it go something like this:
                  That was, until he heard a roar of an engine above him. He wouldn’t pay it any mind, as he was located right under the road bridge, but as he listened closely, he realized the sound was getting only closer and what sounded like… screaming? The boy didn’t get the chance to even think as right above his head someone leaped into the air and harshly landed right in front of him. The revving of the engine nearly deafened him, so he covered his ears. It was only after a few moments that he finally looked at the person in front of him, that he realized it was the boy from his school, Jack Darby. And to his surprise, the older boy landed perfectly on his motorcycle without any injuries.

                  “Whoa” Raf could only whisper, as he had never seen something as cool before.

                  Jack, on the other hand, wasn’t nearly as excited and was panting and huffing heavily before spotting Rafael.

                  “You have no idea,” his disheveled hair and tired face only confused the little boy. Jack hurriedly got off the bike and backed away from the motorcycle as it was about to do him harm.

                  As you can see, the description got bigger, but I tried to add a little more emotion to the characters' reactions. From Raf’s confusion for the loud noise above him, to him covering his ears because motorcycle’s engines are LOUD as hell, to his surprise seeing his school mate doing such dangerous yet, in Rafs mind, cool activity, to finally Jack looking tired, indicating his not so pleasant ride with Arcee from the cons.

                  I’m sure it’s not perfect and more experienced writers could write the scene better than me, but it is merely an example on how to avoid simply writing the sound effects instead of describing them.

                  This ties to the final problem with the text - not enough descriptions. As I was reading through the text, it felt like the events were moving too quickly, as if there were some scenes missing. Again, I’m not a writer, so all the advice I give I found on the Internet, as there are people who are better at explaining how to write stuff.

                  Of course, not every scene needs description. For example, your readers are not interested in knowing how your protagonist arrived from place A to place B. A few lines about, idk, traveling in the bus would suffice.

                  They then headed back to base, once there Bulk transformed and loudly asked for an explanation.

                  This scene is good, as you don’t waste readers time on describing every pebble they encountered before arriving at the base. It’s clear nothing interesting happened on the way back, so there is no need for description.

                  However, some of your scenes just lack action. Like in here:

                  "Wait, so you guys don't make your own blood?" Raf asked, the Autobots were confused "How in Primus's name are we supposed to 'make our own blood." said ratchet, 'the very idea was absurd' he thought. "

                  It’s not bad, but it could clearly benefit from adding a tidbit of description in there. Here is how I would write it.

                  “Wait, so you guys don’t make your own blood?” Raf asked quizzically.

                  The question made Optimus and the other Autobots pause. It was a weird sight to see Prime’s stoic face morph into one of shock. It seemed none of the bots knew what to say to that.

                  “How in Primus’s name are we supposed to ‘make our own blood’?” Ratchet turned to the youngest of the kids, his face showing he didn’t buy what the boy had just said, “The very idea is absurd.”

                  And another scene that acts a little later, when the kids explain what nukes are.

                  .....Everyone was a little scared now."......You, humans, have a weapon that causes mass destruction on a MOLECULAR LEVEL!!?" Rachet said, well, shouted at the end.

                  This… reads a bit childish, tbh. Maybe because of the prolonged dots at the booths ends of the first sentence. Here is my version:

                  As Raf and Miko continued to talk amongst each other, Jack could clearly see the bots shifting uncomfortably. Optimus seemed more concerned rather than scared, but he could not say the same about the others. He could see Bulkhead and Bumblebee step away from them just a little bit. Arcee had the most dumbfounded look on her face, as she glanced at each of the kids, wondering how delicate creatures such as these could have invented a weapon of such power.

                  “You,” Ratchet whispered, unable to believe the information he was given, “have a weapon that causes mass destruction… on a molecular level?”

                  Again, my writing isn’t perfect and someone else could write it better, but I wanted to show a little bit more discomfort from the bots, as it would show they do not possess a weapon of such power and the prospect of wielding it scares them.

                  Too bad he didn't do his research :)
                  Also, don’t add any smiley faces or any other emojis to your writing. It takes off the immersion and reminds the reader that this is a story someone writes and not a world they put themselves in.
                  Okay, this is all the criticism I have for the chapter. I will say this again though - I am not a writer and have never posted any of my writings anywhere, so I would recommend taking my advice with a little grain of salt. I will advise you to read or view other people’s writing tips to improve your writing in the future. Hope my criticism helps.

                  Last Edited Sun 20 Nov 2022 10:12AM UTC

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               2. 1. Tallun_the_Titanslayer on Chapter 1 Fri 09 Dec 2022 11:04AM UTC

                     

                     This is actually very helpful for someone (like me) who struggles to write English.
                     Thank you for this well written guide

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10. RDM (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sat 19 Nov 2022 09:16PM UTC

    Also, I started humming "Atom Bomb Baby" when I read Miko telling the bots about it.

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11. lulu2022 on Chapter 1 Sun 20 Nov 2022 11:11AM UTC

    

    this is amazing i love it

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12. Ropislue on Chapter 1 Mon 21 Nov 2022 01:36AM UTC

    

    One thing that always upset me in super hero movies is the idea that most people would run from a very clear enemy/target. Listen, I live out in the country, specifically within the good ol USA. I learned long ago to respect 'No Trespassing' signs.

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13. assignedsimpatbirth on Chapter 1 Tue 29 Nov 2022 07:19PM UTC

    

    God I love this so much and if you make a reader insert I'd read that too, platonic or romantic, because I'd LOVE to be an annoying nuisance that proves to be an actual real threat rather than the weak lil human you usually are in fanfics lol

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14. 1. Greensoul404 on Chapter 1 Fri 02 Dec 2022 02:16PM UTC

       

       Thanks, that's nice to hear, expect more from me soon for this fic. My niece got my family sick at thanks giving so I haven't been able to post. Expect a chapter soon ;)

       Last Edited Fri 02 Dec 2022 02:17PM UTC

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    2. 1. assignedsimpatbirth on Chapter 1 Fri 02 Dec 2022 02:43PM UTC

          

          It's always the kids haha my little brother managed to get me really sick right as I moved out a couple of months ago lmao
          Get well soon! c:
          Also I'm excited for more shocked cybertronians lol

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15. I_want_to_linger_a_little_longer on Chapter 1 Fri 02 Dec 2022 10:38PM UTC

    

    Oh my stars yes

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16. Drink your energon (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sat 03 Dec 2022 08:24AM UTC

    Honestly started watching Transformers Prime in August this year and imediately started wanting and making notes for a fan fic just like this. The whole 'WELL YOU"RE WRONG HA' is what caused me to be like 'what?' cus that's what I'm going for and I had to read this first chapter XD
    Your story sounds fun and I'd like to see where it goes. Humans can be bad asses.
    I do have something in my notes made by MECH the main character wears, that I like to call 'The Fuck You Armour.' That can't be crushed and has a design inspired by unsquishable rodents. Which is awesome.
    But I kind of watched TF Prime at a really uncertain point in my life. I just didn't wan't things to go back to the way they were a year ago and for myself to never comeback from the failure.
    - As a result I had started making a fic for myself that included some really dark themes such as the human main character attacking the TFP human characters after they snuk onto the Decepticon Ship (to the joy of Starscream) and tones of threats and trauma. It was just one bad thing to another.

    I also lost interest in the TFP style and prefered other fics from other TF universes because I'm in a better condition as of late. But I still feel I have to make my way back to finishing the story due to how invested my friends got into the first draft of the character and their interactions.

    So I'm looking forward to what you have in mind. The blood thing was funny and unexpected lmao.
    [Sorry for the ramble it's late at night atm hehe]

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17. 1. Return of drink your energon (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sat 03 Dec 2022 08:43AM UTC

       OMFG I'm back, just read the tags for [Humans Can Weld Metel]. Hype, by god! You go for it! Feral!
       Hears Ocean Man playing while thinking of Megatron's horror of getting anywere near to the sea.

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18. OvletOak (Ovlet) on Chapter 1 Mon 05 Dec 2022 01:23AM UTC

    

    Just want to say I will never forget humans as space orcs

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19. DufinenPuffy (Guest) on Chapter 1 Wed 07 Dec 2022 01:54AM UTC

    OH BOY, dont keep me waiting for the rest of this masterpiece pls
    i beg more of ya

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20. copyrightpolice on Chapter 1 Sun 18 Dec 2022 05:18AM UTC

    

    Please keep making more chapters, you have a AMAZING idea going. Humans should get more respect

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21. Chardinal on Chapter 1 Sun 18 Dec 2022 08:03AM UTC

    

    Promising start!

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22. DelicateFlowerWithAChainsaw on Chapter 1 Wed 21 Dec 2022 07:57PM UTC

    

    Interesting premise. I'll be keeping my eye on this.

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23. Lucylinia (Guest) on Chapter 1 Thu 02 Feb 2023 10:51PM UTC

    Already in love with this story. Best wishes!

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24. Firemists on Chapter 1 Fri 17 Feb 2023 09:55PM UTC

    

    Well, I stumbled upon this fic not realizing just how much I needed it! And now I'm just, more, please... So I'm going to go subscribe in eager wait for more updates and give kudos, because there aren't enough humans are space orcs fics in the transformers fandom.

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25. Livybee07 on Chapter 1 Sun 19 Feb 2023 04:54AM UTC

    

    This is freaking amazing! I NEED MORE!!!!

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