Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Parker isn't moving. Why isn't he moving? If they stay here, they'll die—whatever that thing was, it is going to eat them.

"Parker," Ben says, suddenly unsure if Parker is even breathing or if it's his own hyperventilating that moves his lungs. "Sugar, I need you to get up and go now, stop laying around like a lump of clay."

Nothing. Not a word, not a scathing remark, nothing.

"Sugar beet, love, darlin', if we don't move, that thing is going to get us!" Ben's voice sounds panicked even to himself. He never sounds panicked. "I can't see it, I can't hear it, I can't even smell the fucking thing, I don't know where it is!"

Could Parker be dead? Is Parker dead? He can't be—if Parker were dead, Ben would be dead. Right? Or would he be stuck in a decaying body forever? Just until that bastard in charge here decides it stops being entertaining? Will Arthur and John ever even know? Will they be able to find Parker's body down here, or will they be left mourning him without it?

… Will they mourn Ben?

"Parker, you have to get up right now," Ben growls, letting anger take the forefront—it's easier to focus on the anger. "Fuck you, this isn't funny."

He hits Parker's cheek then stops, staring at Parker's- his? right hand. "Wait, what the hell?"

He moves the fingers experimentally. Okay. Okay, he can work with this. He can address this later when Parker isn't dead or dying. Or just knocked the fuck out.

He listens for the beast and wonders why it hasn't killed him yet.

Ah, fuck. It's playing with them.

Wait. There. He hears a low snarl and the sound of claws clicking across the stone ground.

Ben reaches for Parker's gun, grabbing it just in time to shoot the thing through its mouth as it launches itself toward them. That won't kill it, but it doesn't seem that determined to eat them—the game isn't fun anymore if your food bites you back.

Ben uses Parker's right arm to drag his limp body away from the whimpering beast.

"If you don't wake up to help me," Ben struggles to get out, "I will bite off the hand you still have."

Still nothing. Ben grimaces as he drags them into a tight space in the walls—at least the thing won't be able to follow them, but he also has no idea where this tunnel might lead.

"Arthur, John, if you can hear me-" He grimaces as the walls of the tunnel begin closing in around him. "We're dyin' out here!"

He crawls for what feels like days when it opens up into a large cavern and he can finally fill Parker's lungs again.

"Parker!" Oh, that's Arthur's voice—wonderful, beautiful, perfect Arthur.

"There's something wrong with him," Ben says, reaching to grab John's hand, squeezing as tight as he can because anything else feels like too little, like Ben will drift away without this. "He fell, there's- there's- he isn't here, I don't know where he is, I don't know where he is-"

"Hey," Arthur says gently, his hand moving to brush across Ben's upper lip. "We've got you, Ben."

Arthur and John work together to lift Parker onto their shoulders. John's thumb runs over Ben's hand as they carry them toward the mouth of the cave.

It's another two hours without Parker in his head. Arthur had managed to get them back to the motel without much trouble—of course, it had made Parker seem like a drunk, but that's better than dead.

I feel like I've been trampled by a horse.

"Oh, fuck you," Ben groans, startling Arthur into immediately straightening up in the chair beside the bed. "You got trampled by a horse, you did? Well, boohoo, straight after that the horse tried to eat me."

"I don't know if horses eat people," Arthur speaks up, moving to sit beside the pair. "How are you feeling, Parker?"

There's a long pause.

Why can't I move my arm?

"What do you mean, you-" Ben stops, grimacing. "Ah, right. Took it."

What do you mean by that?

"It's mine now," Ben shrugs with his arm. "Took it."

"Parker, it's okay," Arthur says, clearly having made some quick connections between what he knows and what he can hear of the conversation. "Well, it's not, but- you'll get used to it."

I shouldn't have to get used to it. I should have my fucking arm.

"Well, what am I supposed to do about that, huh?" Ben huffs, "Should've let you die? Hell, I thought you were dead!"

Turns out I'm not!

Ben throws up his arm, narrowly missing Arthur as he tilts his head back. "Thanks to me!"

Parker grabs his wrist and Arthur immediately moves to wrestle them apart. "Look, I know it's… unnerving, Parker," he says, shifting his grip to hold Parker's hand instead. "But you need to calm down."

Ben pulls half a face at the string of swear words Parker shouts in his head.

"I'm not repeating any of that," he says, clicking his tongue. "Arthur is being much kinder than you deserve."

Than I deserve? He's giving you too much benefit of the doubt! You did this on purpose!

"I did," Ben confirms, as he watches Arthur's concerned face and the way the Englishman's thumb gently rubs Parker's knuckles. "I saved you, you sorry fuck, and now I'm wondering what would've happened if I'd left it be—maybe I'd just go back to being a god and I'd be out of your lives."

"Ben," Arthur says, frowning at him.

"You know!" Ben says, "Until you thank me, I'm tired of this."

He purses his lips.

Like that'll last.

Ben keeps his mouth closed.

Alright, you damn crybaby, pout! Like I care!

Ben flips him off.

"Maybe just… get some more rest," Arthur says softly, finally pulling his hand away. "We'll be right here when you wake up."

What, nothing for Arthur either? No joke about how you don't sleep?

Ben says nothing.

Fine. Fuck all the way off until you learn to stop throwing tantrums.

Oh, there is such irony there. Ben won't point it out, he's still going to hold to what he said, but the way Parker acts so high and mighty when it's him causing problems…

Parker does lay back down. Ben would call that pouting too.

Whatever. Parker will learn to be grateful once he gets over the arm thing. What's an arm anyhow, John has Arthur's eyes all to himself! At least Ben isn't doing that!

He'll get over it because he has no other choice.

Chapter Text

Ben's not really sure what time it is. It's dark. Parker is asleep. Arthur and John stepped out of the room some time ago but Ben was too busy pouting to listen to Arthur's explanation.

Yes, he's pouting. No, he won't stop until he has some sort of an apology out of Parker. He deserves an apology!

He feels the presence before he sees or hears anything.

He knows immediately what it is too.

"Well, well, well," the voice that used to be his own says, a laugh twisting through the words like barbed wire through an old fence. "I admit I'm impressed! You made it out alive, and all the better for it!"

"Better?" Ben hisses, his lip pulled up in a snarl. "In case you haven't noticed, the body I'm currently living in is bandaged to high heaven."

"And you have an arm!" Kayne claps his hands together. "It took you a while, much longer than it took your buddy John to branch out, but you got there eventually!"

"You're gonna wake Parker," Ben huffs, trying to sound annoyed instead of concerned. "What're you doing here?"

"Oh, don't worry about him, he's out cold!" Kayne waves a hand around as he paces beside the bed. "I just wanted to congratulate you! Maybe next you can get his other arm?" He giggles, sharp and unfit for human ears. "Oh, I'd love to see the panic in his eyes at that one!"

At Ben's frown, Kayne clicks his tongue. "Ah, c'mon, you used to be much more fun during these check-ins! Maybe I ought to tell Parker about this after all?"

"I thought you were letting us off the leash," Ben says, quiet and struggling to keep his voice even. "Leaving us to entertain you. If you're giving me more control…"

"Oh, my tiny little mini me!" Kayne giggles again. "I haven't interfered, I'm only here to toss in my 5 star rating, as it were! No, no, I'm afraid stealing your best friend's arm was all you!"

Ben swallows down his anger. He can't strain Parker's body with a fight he has no choice but to lose. "Look, Arthur and John will be back soon-"

"Believe you me, Benjamin," Kayne's delight sends a cold shiver through Ben. "Those two are about to have their hands full, I doubt they'll even have time to worry about you and your little buddy."

"What does that mean?" Ben asks as Kayne walks away. "What does that mean?!"

What- What's happening? What did you do?

"Ben?" Arthur's voice feels like a warm blanket and Ben immediately reaches out toward him. Both John and Arthur's hands find his own, gently holding him between them. "What's the matter? Why were you shouting?"

Ben, don't ignore me.

Ben chews his bottom lip worriedly. "You need to go. I don't care where, but you need to get on a train and just leave ."

"Ben, you're scaring me," Arthur says, running his thumb across Ben's knuckles. "Why? What's happening?"

"I don't know." Ben would be crying if he could, he thinks. He doesn't like that. He misses not caring. He misses being a god. He needs Arthur to understand. "You're in danger, please just trust me. I need you to go ."

Ben, why aren't you saying more? What happened?

"Okay," Arthur says, reaching up to cup his cheek, brushing his thumb across Ben's lips. "Parker, will you be able to travel?"

Not until this motherfucker answers my question.

"I am saying this as kindly as I can," Ben says, trying to ignore Arthur's worried expression and the annoyance radiating off of Parker. "We need to go our separate ways. Parker and I will only slow you down like this."

Bullshit.

Arthur only looks more worried. "Ben, what is going on ?"

"I need you to trust me," Ben insists, pulling his hand away. "Pack your things and get out."

Parker starts to get up and Arthur holds out a hand to stop him. "No, Parker, he's- you need rest. I don't want to reopen your wounds."

Fuck that! What the hell are you playing at, Ben? Are you trying to get them killed? Get us killed?

Ben grabs Parker's hand to stop his gesturing. "Look, sugar, it's not ideal but I can't tell you any more than I already have—I don't know more than that."

Parker slumps and Ben at least can take small victories here.

"It's not so bad," Arthur says placatingly, moving to grab his few belongings. "Let's meet up, soon as you can. In Albany, maybe."

Parker nods but says nothing.

"Great," Ben agrees. "We have a plan. We'll see you when we see you."

Hopefully. Fingers crossed. If whatever other gods could exist out there are listening, who might care to step in. Maybe Yog could pop in for a moment.

Damn it, that's stupid, Ben is spiraling. How can a tiny part of a god have spiraling thoughts?

He needs to focus. Parker needs him.

Arthur leans down to press a kiss to Parker's forehead and then one to the edge of Ben's mouth. "Stay safe," he mumbles as he pulls away. "For us."

"You got it, boss," Ben salutes, grinning, and even though it's never met Parker's eyes, he can tell it doesn't even look genuine. "We'll be fine, please just look out for yourselves."

Arthur smiles.

And then they're gone.

And Ben and Parker are alone.

He hopes he made the right decision.

Chapter Text

Ben and Parker sit in silence. Horrible, dreadful, agonizing silence.

Ben would usually fill the air with pointless chattering, but he doesn't feel like it right now. His mouth feels dry and he's pretty sure any words he attempts will come out like a frog's croak.

He's not Tsathoggua.

He's not even Nyarlathotep.

He isn't anything. Benjamin Octavius Leonard VanHoute the Sixth is a nobody. That isn't even a real name.

He's… Ben. He's just Ben. Ben is a tiny fragment of a god thrust into a dead man's head. He doesn't matter. He's the mechanism that exists to keep Parker's heart beating, just to see what will happen. He's-

Tired. Can he even be tired? He can't sleep. He can't be tired but he is.

He wishes he could give Parker back what he's taken. He wishes he could go back to being part of his old self again. He never wants to lose Parker. He doesn't know what he wants.

You're quiet.

Ben bites the tip of his tongue before scoffing. "You wanted me to be quiet, don't tell me you miss my dulcet tones already."

I didn't expect you to listen.

A little huff. "I suppose it's disappointing either way, huh?"

A beat. For a moment, Ben thinks Parker really has given up on talking any kind of sense at him. He wonders if that would be better.

Why did you send them away?

"You know why."

No, I don't.

"So they would be safe."

From what?

"I don't know."

There it is. Annoyance radiating through their shared head as Parker silently boils.

How did you know to send them away then?

He can't answer that. He doesn't want to answer that.

Ben? How did you know?

A twinge of worry floating in the pool of irritation as Parker's hand slowly comes up to brush his fingers lightly across Ben's arm.

Did something happen?

"I can't tell you."

Why not?

"I'm afraid I'll hurt you."

More worry. Parker's hand moves to interlock their fingers together. At least he isn't mad about the arm right now. He will be later, when it's convenient.

You're a fucking asshole sometimes, Ben, but…

"I'm your fucking asshole?" Ben offers, a grin that's a little too wide and a little too forced breaking out across Parker's face.

Insufferable.

Ben laughs, high and tight, like the sound is struggling to pull itself free from his throat. "You've known me long enough, I don't know why this comes as a surprise!"

Ben, you're deflecting.

"Am not."

We aren't schoolboys on a playground.

Not to Parker, they aren't. Ben wonders if that's how Kayne views them. Or perhaps, Kayne is the schoolboy and Ben and Parker are just the toys he's playing with.

If you have something to share…

"I don't," Ben says immediately, sharper than intended. "I don't have anything to share, and certainly not with you."

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

"Means it's not any of your business!" Ben hisses, pulling his hand from Parker's. "I'm just looking for a bit of privacy here!"

That isn't how this works! We don't get any privacy! We're stuck together, we might as well tell each other everything!

Ben grinds his teeth. Parker isn't wrong, necessarily, but he needs to drop this. Who knows what Kayne will do to him? He holds exposing their meetings over Ben's head as a threat, but what might he do if Ben exposes them first? Nothing good, that's for sure.

He wouldn't like losing hold of the leash.

"Parker," he says quietly, "I need you to trust me."

I do, Ben. I do. I want to protect you as much as you want to protect me.

He huffs. "Maybe I only wanna protect myself!"

You stupid fuck, we're connected. As far as I'm aware, forever .

"And that's the problem!" he shouts, his voice cracking. "That's the problem, Parker, you think we can't be separated but we can ! We can be torn apart and I'll be gone and you'll be- you'll…"

A silence stretches between them.

I'll be dead.

"I don't want to be Him again, I want to be… Me. I want to be Ben."

Then be Ben. Talk too much about things you shouldn't. What is going on?

"Kayne has been checking in." It comes out in a string all jumbled together. "He visits and- and he mocks me! Mocks us! And- I don't know, I don't know -"

Ben. Calm down. What did he say?

Despite the words, Ben can still feel the anger emanating from Parker and he hates it, he hates that this is happening, that Kayne has been coming by while Parker sleeps, that-

Benjamin. What did he say ?

"Our boys are in danger," he answers softly, chewing on his lip until he can taste blood. "He didn't say why, but they're in danger and we can't slow them down."

A beat.

The anger ebbs.

Okay. If our boys are in danger, Ben, then we need to meet them in Albany. We'll be slower but they'll need us.

"Yes, they will," he concedes, swallowing around the lump in his throat. "I just hope my warning buys them enough time.

So do I, Ben.

So do I.