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Sirius didn't know how Remus had managed it.
Actually, he knew— of course he understood perfectly well how Remus had managed to become friends with Snape. Remus had always been the nice guy between them, and Sirius genuinely didn't remember him raising his wand once to do something bad against Snape. Peter had never done anything like that either— but he had given him some rather obscure, prank ideas that only Sirius knew about, because Peter probably thought they were similar in that respect.
Peter could think of fucked up things when he wanted to, and Sirius— well, it didn't help that Sirius almost killed Snape. No wonder Peter thought that maybe they had something in common after all. Then again, Sirius was still Sirius Black. But despite those situations, Sirius really wasn't exactly entertained by the things Peter suggested, and they abandoned those pranks, pretending they never existed. Perhaps even James wouldn't like to hear those ideas, despite his thirst to pester Snape. James was still, in the end, too much of a good boy next to Sirius and Peter.
But Remus was the complete opposite of most of them— Remus was good. Genuinely good. He was kind and generous and funny and handsome— and even when Remus was none of those things, when he was sad or angry or exhausted after the full moon, Remus was still extremely patient with other people. When Sirius almost killed Snape in fifth year, despite being very angry, Remus didn't even hurt him— Remus avoided him, of course, but he didn't punish Sirius physically, even though Sirius had begged him to have done so, and he was sure that very few people would miss the chance to hurt Sirius Black.
So Sirius understood how Remus had become friends with Snape, because Snape had certainly realised what they already knew— that Remus was, after all, an amazing person. And it certainly helped that Remus had never jinxed him before, or helped with the pranks. Sirius still wasn't sure how exactly they had become so friendly, though, because Remus never stopped hanging out with them, and Snape certainly still hated James, Sirius and Peter.
Sirius could clearly see the tension in Snape's shoulders every time they had class together. And even though Remus no longer allowed them to harass Snape, the boy was still very hesitant and extremely wary. Sometimes that made Sirius even more annoyed, because it wasn't like they made a living out of pestering Snape— though if Sirius thought about it, surely that impression wasn't wrong. Snape didn't know them— he didn't know what they talked about or what they did or what they thought outside of that constant game of cat on mouse they played.
Snape didn't know that James still secretly slept with a blanket made by his mother or that Peter didn't really like the dark or that Sirius was that insecure, silly creature— he knew none of it. Just like they didn't know about him. They didn't know what Snape liked besides Potions and Dark Arts. And it was nearly infuriating to Sirius to realise that they genuinely had almost no reason to annoy Snape, because up until then it had always seemed so justifiable. Snape, who had wanted to go to Slytherin from the beginning, who loved subjects they hated and was always around Lily.
But now Sirius saw him differently—and Sirius was having trouble accepting the fact that Remus, once again, was right. They were idiots, that was never exactly a secret to anyone, but Sirius liked to believe that at least about Snape he was correct, because Sirius had been wrong about many things in his life— from his own family, to other matters. There were few things in life that Sirius believed were certainties, and one of them was that Severus Snape was a nasty boy who would eventually become a Death Eater.
Well, surprise— apparently Snape was not going to become a Death Eater, and he was in mortal danger for it. And apparently he could be nice and funny and kind— and he was like any other boy, really. Sirius was the one harassing him for the boy he made up, and Sirius was the one who almost killed him for it.
It was almost pathetic how Sirius loved himself to the same extent that he hated himself sometimes. He loved himself because he knew some things about himself that were valuable— and he was proud of himself for being against his own family, even though recently Remus had made him see that he wasn't that different from them. But that never stopped Sirius from absolutely hating some parts of himself— like, for example, the impulsiveness, the naturalness with which obsession became addictive to him.
He was a handsome boy, maybe one of the most handsome of his year. And he had a name that mattered, even though he hated everything that went with it. And when he wanted to— when he tried hard, Sirius was smart and could get good grades. But he was also petty, too prone to fall into old snobby habits from living in the house he grew up in, too easy to get riled up in. And he was too jealous, too. James had complained about it once— because Sirius got mad at him because of jealousy, of course.
And Sirius, of course, was obsessed with things. Different things, but with the same intensity to him. He was obsessed with Quidditch, obsessed with adrenaline, obsessed, maybe, with his own friends, or maybe just with Remus— because he really liked being around Remus, and it got a little uncomfortable for Sirius sometimes— his dependence on Remus. And recently Sirius had realised, perhaps, that he was also obsessed with Severus Snape.
Snivellus . The boy whose life they made hell for years.
And anyone could tell that Severus Snape didn't remotely feel anything like that for him. Which, well— was new. Because Sirius had always been used to being loved, in a way. Or just not being rejected, at least not completely. He usually had a purpose for people, whether that necessity was for his body, or just for the person he was. Sirius would always be useful to his family while he was alive, because they couldn't just kick him out of the family. And Sirius was useful to his friends, and to his Gryffindor classmates.
The other students in the other houses needed him, too, in a way, if only because Sirius was attractive and he was always willing to meet new people. And the teachers, of course, adored him, even those who didn't approve of the things Sirius did outside of class time. Sirius at no point in his life until he met Snape had dealt with the clear and obvious rejection— Snape didn't need him for anything at all. Sirius was sure he wouldn't even consider kissing him even if Sirius offered.
And because of that, Sirius had nothing to offer him, not even his attractive carcass for Snape to destroy. Because it was true— Sirius suspected that given the chance, Snape probably wouldn't even try to really hurt him, or not anymore, anyway. Because he had Remus, and Remus kept them all in their places. Remus, who was important to Snape— because Snape liked him. Snape wouldn't risk hurting one of the boy's friends that he liked, because Snape was certainly a lot smarter than Sirius.
Not that Sirius— Not that Sirius understood, really, what he had with Remus or felt for Remus. And he knew, anyway, that even if he did intrinsically understand his own feelings, something that had never happened before, because Sirius had always been afraid to hear his own voice and discover in the things it speaks something terrible about himself, he knew that Remus didn't think of him that way. Remus had said that. To Snape.
Snape, who thought Sirius liked Remus. Snape, who liked Remus.
Not that it mattered much now, because, to his own surprise, Sirius was regretful, and perhaps envious. Envious of that relationship Remus had with Snape, of that trust between them, of the naturalness, of the calmness. Remus was never that relaxed with either of them, and Snape probably didn't have anyone he felt that comfortable with either. Not even Lily, perhaps. Because she was a girl who didn't like the friends Snape hung out with, and Snape certainly hated a lot of Gryffindors.
If Lily knew— If Lily understood that Snape could die, would she rethink the slow and gradual estrangement between her and Snape? Would she stop him from drifting away completely? Sirius almost wanted to tell her and see what would happen. If not to actually see what Lily would do, then to make sure that at least Snape had another friend besides Remus, another person willing to help him. Not that Sirius thought Snape would want Lily to know, because she would probably put herself in danger to protect him, even if she was a mudblood.
That word made Sirius' teeth grind. He could almost hear Walburga's voice, scolding him about how Sirius was a very weak boy who had had his principles all messed up.
Not that Sirius necessarily cared about Snape now— no, he didn't really care. He just had common sense, even if a little, and could better understand what he had really done to Snape all these years with the new information he heard. And now he also knew of the danger Snape was in, and Sirius couldn't not sympathise with what was happening to him, because something similar happened to him every time he went home. Sirius thought sometimes that on any given night, his parents would simply forcibly mark him, because then the Black heir would surely not run away after that.
Sirius was, after all, a Gryffindor- either because of sheer stubbornness in not accepting being placed in Slytherin, or because he genuinely was brave as lions were.
But Sirius wasn't dumb either, he understood perfectly well that Snape would never approach him if he could. And he wanted to get close, he wanted to perhaps serve more as a support than a problem. Sirius didn't want to become friends with him— at least he didn't think so. He didn't think they would match, anyway. But maybe Sirius wanted something similar with Snape— maybe Sirius wanted what he had with Remus. The companionship. The comfortable moments of silence. The distinct, but not exaggerated, trust. He wanted to have that with Remus.
Because it was always different with Remus. Sirius could hardly contain himself when he was around him, and that wasn't always ideal. Because most of all, Remus was a quiet boy, a boy who rarely raised his voice or was extremely animated for things deemed wrong, things that Sirius, Peter and James loved. He was, of course, adept at pranks, but not the pranks they constantly made. No. Remus liked silly pranks, only to be made between the four of them.
Sirius couldn't remember a time when the two sat side by side and just existed in each other's presence. Remus was usually able to remain silent, but it was as if Sirius couldn't contain himself within his own existence. It was as if he wanted to show Remus everything inside him, even the bad things— even the things he tried terribly hard to hide. Because Sirius was ashamed of himself, but Sirius also wanted to get rid of that feeling as soon as possible.
He wanted Remus to really see him and know, at last, who Sirius Black was. Because Sirius Black was loyal, companionable and attractive, but Sirius Black could also be timid, insecure and volatile. He could be the kid who was good at Quidditch and got good grades when he studied, but he could also be the kid who grew up in 12 Grimmauld Place, the kid who doesn't deal well with enclosed, dark spaces and uses a sharp tongue and sometimes violence to defend himself against even the smallest things.
Sirius no longer wanted to hide from Remus, but he found himself unable to be vulnerable— and wasn't it funny, the fact that one of the most closed and private boys he'd ever met, Severus Snape, could be so open and honest in Remus' presence? That Remus, in return, was also so open with him as well?
It was almost comical. Sirius had been his friend for years, and he didn't feel able to wring such reassurance out of Remus. On the contrary, if anything, Sirius now felt unable to make him relax. Remus probably thought about him and then immediately flinched in fear, because Sirius had broken his trust terribly, and the unpredictability of a person like Sirius Black was certainly not good for their relationship.
"Sirius, you haven't eaten anything yet." James caught his eye, staring at Sirius' plate, which was untouched "Is everything alright?"
"A-Ah, everything's fine." Sirius shrugged, picking up the fork in hand. He wasn't hungry, but James didn't like to see either of them skipping meals.
"You've been acting strange for a while now." Peter commented with his mouth full, and James slapped his arm for his rudeness. Peter shrugged " It's true." he said after swallowing.
Sirius glanced sheepishly at Remus, who was sitting next to him finishing a homework assignment, too busy with his book and quill to really see what they were doing. James and Peter knew that Remus and Sirius had been fighting, but the tension between the two had apparently dissipated over the days, and they had cleared up after Sirius eventually managed to look Remus in the face after spying on him the other day.
But Sirius knew things now— he knew about Snape, and he wanted to know more, and that wasn't something easy to just swallow and accept because much of Sirius' life was about hating Severus Snape.
"Maybe I'm getting sick." Sirius complained, fanning his own face.
"You should see Madam Pomfrey, then." Remus grumbled, not looking at either of them, still busy.
"Maybe I can go later." Sirius acquiesced, even though he knew he wasn't getting sick at all.
They dropped the subject, and Sirius forced himself to eat, but only because James was watching him even more intently now. He couldn't risk continuing to have all that attention on him, not if he wanted to go ahead with what he had planned.
Sirius didn't know exactly how he was going to even manage to get Snape to trust him in the slightest for them to talk. He could approach slowly, try to show himself genuinely changed, but there was a lot of history between the two of them, and Sirius was usually a person who was easily angered. If Snape answered him back meanly once — and he would certainly do that — Sirius would probably want to retort, and he didn't want to accidentally end up pushing Snape further away.
Asking for help would be a good idea, but Sirius wasn't sure how to bring that subject up. In fact, Sirius was sure that the moment he showed any kind of interest in Snape, everyone around him would immediately be worried, albeit for different reasons. Remus would certainly be afraid of Sirius planning something against Snape, and angry too, because they had finally resolved that what they were doing was childshing, the bullying, and James and Peter would probably be worried about pissing Remus off again, because they didn't want to fight, not anymore, at least.
And he didn't want to say what he heard that night when he spied on the two of them, he didn't want Remus to believe that Sirius didn't trust him—because Sirius did trust him! He didn't usually trust Snape, and even after understanding the reason for certain of the lad's attitudes, Sirius still caught himself a little hesitant. It was just natural. Sirius wasn't usually able to give himself to people easily, and his loyalty was hardly earned with just a few pieces of information. But he wanted to try, he wanted to trust Snape more, because now he knew this was the right thing- and Sirius wanted to do the right thing.
So Sirius decided to dedicate himself, decided to approach Snape— he decided to try. Much of what he wanted to do also depended on Snape's approval, and Sirius still wanted to keep that a secret. He doubted that Remus wouldn't eventually find out, especially since Sirius was sure Snape wouldn't think twice before complaining to him, but James and Peter didn't need to know, because Sirius didn't want to deal with the two of them bothering him, trying to figure out what he was planning.
"S-Snape!" Sirius said in a low tone, approaching the boy with a nervous smile. He didn't even have to use the map to find Snape, it was clear that if the boy wasn't somewhere with Remus or Lily, he would be in the bloody library. "Huh— Do you have time?"
Snape, who had his nose practically stuck inside his book, almost growled at the sight of Sirius approaching.
"What do you want, Black?" he said dismissively, clearly uncomfortable.
Sirius huffed, scratching the back of his neck, "Well, I just wanted— I just wondered if I could sit here?"
Snape looked around as if Sirius Black was going ballistic, and maybe he was, or at least that's what it must have looked like to Snape, who genuinely must not have been understanding what was going on. But more than that, Snape also looked around checking all the empty and available tables, soon turning back to face Sirius with irritation. There was no need for him to sit there with him, and yet Sirius went out of his way to ask that stupid question.
"You surely have something better to do than to soil your great image by sitting here with me, don't you, Black?" Snape spat, and Sirius swore his eyes were trembling with anger.
"Well, what if I want to spend some time with you?"
"I don't want to spend any time with you!" Snape closed the book angrily, his voice rising a few octaves. He stood up, and Sirius noticed that although they were about the same size, Snape still appeared to be more frail.
"Snape, please." Sirius held his wrist as Snape tried to walk away, and the Slytherin boy directed him a venomous look. Sirius could feel, beneath the soft skin, Snape's bones, protruding. He never seemed to eat enough, and always returned to Hogwarts thinner and thinner. Sirius almost wanted to change that— and he found it strange, the sudden, possessive instinct to protect. "I wanted to get closer to you— For Remus. We could, you know, try to be friends."
Snape's disgusted expression seemed only to have intensified, "For Remus?" he laughed mockingly "You'll have to excuse me, Black, but you've used Lupin's name before to trick me, so I find it hard to believe you."
Sirius flinched, but decided not to back down. What good was it to be brave if he decided to give up at the first challenge? No, Sirius had made up his mind about the situation with Snape. He would try as many times as it took.
"I'm serious this time—" he swallowed dryly, looking away from Snape's eyes. Sirius found that he really couldn't face them for long "I was an idiot in fifth year, a complete asshole, but I want to— I want to change that. Um— I know my word isn't much, but, here, you can take my wand." Sirius released Snape's wrist and reached into his pocket for his wand, delivering it into his hand. Snape stared at him as if he was indeed mad, but Sirius decided to ignore it "I just want to spend some time with you. I want to earn your trust."
Snape was silent for a while, watching Sirius's wand, but soon after he whispered "Because of Remus?"
"For him, yes." Sirius nodded "But— But I also want to apologise to you, I want to make things right. I—" Sirius huffed "I know I've done you wrong a lot, and I don't want you to think that my friendship is a consolation, like— like that's something fantastic or magnificent or— anyway, I just think that if we get to know each other better, things can get better too."
"Why don't you just admit right away that you're jealous of me and Remus and want to find a way to frustrate me." Snape grumbled, glaring at Sirius in irritation.
"Because I'm not jealous!" Bullshit. "I just— Listen, I really just want to spend some time with you, and who knows, maybe we can do this once in a while. I want to really apologize to you, and not just—and not just say sorry. That's not how I do things. You're good— You're good for Remus. I can see that. I could never— I could never deny him the chance to have something like that again., not anymore."
Because he'd already tried once. To take Snape away from Remus. To take Snape away from the other people who loved him, or would one day come to love him. At the time, Sirius justified himself by saying that Snape was too curious, and eventually he would discover Remus' secret. Sirius justified himself by saying that he did it to protect him— and in parts, it was true. But Sirius was also cruel and snobbish, and he didn't think of the consequences. He didn't think about what a possible death for Snape would cause, nor about his survival.
Snape sat up again, still holding Sirius' wand in his hand. It should be scary, handing over the only way to protect himself to someone who hated him so deeply, but Sirius couldn't feel anything but relief— he was a bit of a masochist, and maybe, despite people forgiving him, despite people tolerating him, Sirius liked to feel pain, liked them to hurt him, because only then could he feel truly apologetic. His friends were too kind to cause Sirius pain, but Snape did not and Sirius almost needed him to do something.
"For Remus." Snape whispered, looking at Sirius intensely, and opening his book again "You have one chance."
Sirius swallowed dryly, suddenly feeling a strange, warm happiness invade his chest. He'd never felt anything like this for Severus Snape— not even when he'd bullied the boy or when they almost got caught and his body was full of adrenaline. This was new and weird, and Sirius could feel the nervousness surging through his veins to his heart. Sirius wasn't used to being accepted by Snape— he wasn't used to being allowed near him, because until then Sirius had never asked permission.
The feeling of having that acceptance shouldn't have made him so excited, but Sirius couldn't help it. As he sat next to Snape, Sirius could only think that the boy who hated him had allowed him to be there— wanted him there, somehow. It was almost like the idea of taming a violent street cat after you discover that the animal only behaves that way for protection—you want to touch it even more after that, determined.
Maybe Sirius shouldn't keep comparing Snape to a cat— but, well, he certainly looked like one, now that he stopped to think about it.
"Behave yourself." Snape hissed, staring at Sirius suspiciously "I'm serious, Black, you only get one chance."
"I'll behave." Sirius nodded, and he found that he really meant it "What are you reading?"
Snape directed him one last sour look, but then sighed.
"A muggle book."
"Oh— what's it about?"
"It's a romance novel." Snape grumbled, staring at the book. Sirius noted with some delight that his naturally pale cheeks were gently rosy "It's a book Lily lent me."
Sirius smiled, and at the last moment stopped himself from speaking any provocation that might anger Snape—and he had thought of several, of course. But if he wanted to get close to the boy, Sirius needed to behave.
"Tell me a bit about it." Sirius asked in the gentlest tone of voice he could manage.
Snape sighed again, but started talking about the story. Somehow, they had stayed the rest of the day discussing the book, and Sirius could only remember Snape threatening him six times.